#it’s 2 am here now as i’m writing this post lels

[tower-of-trash]

Royal AU

My bestfriend thought of this AU and we ended up talking about a lot of headcanons. I was supposed to finish a Bam x Rachel fanart today but then I suddenly lost the motivation to draw hands so I just gave up and drew this shit instead hahaha (I know there are lines and all that stuff that I didn’t erase but I’m drawing this at 1 am and I’m tired already).

Bam is a hidden prince from a fallen kingdom raised by his shady noble branch family with Rachel as his servant (but he refers her more as a big sister, she’s still a bitch tho). FUG and the Great Families in this AU rule each kingdom, with Jahad’s being the most powerful kingdom and Luslec’s as the largest kingdom. Anyways, a debutante ball has been set up for the noble children and that’s where Bam first introduces himself to the members of the Great Families through Shibisu (He is a son of a merchant with lots of connections sooo that’s why he was invited too). Shibisu introduces Bam to Khun, our blue boi experiences love at first sight, they met new people together (because Bam is a shy person at first), and they talked each other more often than their acquaintances. Yeah everything was all well, but little did Bam know that he was just being used to bring down the Great Families by taking advantage of his relationships with them. Chaos ensues.

[scris-fi]

speaking of ship art, what are your favourite DD ships? and do you ship your jester bois with anyone??

oof, take a seat. I won't get into details or else we would be here for hours.

To begin I'll say I am a big fan of jester and leper, love it, no furder explanation. Did people ship shieldbreaker and the antiquarian before or did we all read Denouncing the desert at the same time? great ship, amazing story 10/10. I also like grave robber and plague doctor. Like, don't get me wrong, abom and doc is adorable but I see them more as lab buddies. Who else who else... Well.. Dissy and Reyrey of course, but it's a clasic at this point.

All ships are good to be honest, I've read many fanfics with various ships and they all have great dinamic. I vote for all ships to have fun!! lel.

And now to the moment I've been waiting for. To talk about my boys.

Yes, I do ship my jesters. Yes, I do draw/write stuff about it. No, I'll not post it, because I'm shy. But here is an edit I've made :^D

Shipping my jesters started with the comps I've sent the most with.

I shipped Takko with my bounty hunter Archie in a "I like to bother this person in particular" kind of way. At first I used to ship my other jester with my shieldbraker Giovanni, cause it made sence to me to see 2 performers bonding over their scaring expiriences. But when she died I made a whole grieving arc and now ended up shipping him with my leper Ferdinand. (in a tsundere kind of way XD)

If I had the time and the audience I would talk about ships and stories for hours but I don't want to scare yah with a wall of text and memes. Thanks for the ask cause I love every oportunity I get to talk about my jesters or about DD in general, I love yah :^3

[rainandhotchocolate]

About Last Night - P2

A/N So i know I have a million other requests but I’m a sucker for this story sooooo here’s part 2222 lel enjoy!!

Mon 12:00pm

Sirius ~ So before I read the weekend news, should I be worried about seeing any murders I was supposed to be involved in? ~

Y/N ~ Don’t worry I planted your fingertips everywhere so they’ll know you were involved as well ~

Sirius ~ Oh thank god, I needed something to destroy my reputation ~

Y/N ~ And what reputation is that? ~

Sirius ~ Oh you know, cool edgy creative writing major with a soft side ™ ~

Y/N ~ Dear god you’re one of them :O ~

Sirius ~ Ur DiffEReNT thAN OthER giRlS ~

Y/N ~ **Blocked**

Sirius ~ I sincerely hope you know I was joking ~

Y/N ~ I guess I’ll have to find out :P What are you up to today? ~

Sirius ~ Well apart from giving my alibi to police, I have about 3 hours of classes today and an essay due ~

Y/N ~ Wow, that sounds like a super fun day – any good classes? ~

Sirius ~ Yeah I’m enjoying my lit class at the moment, we are doing genre fiction at the moment so looking into how writers create worlds, even within our own world, and why genre fiction is so looked down upon in literature society ~

~ and now that I’ve typed that out I am realising that it probably doesn’t sound wildly interesting ~

Y/N ~ Hahaha nah it does! That would be cool to learn about, I’m a sucker for genre fiction tbh, could never read the classics ~

Sirius ~ That just means you never found a good classic 😉 – What kinda stuff do you read? ~

Y/N ~ look I want no judgement here… I honestly mostly read fantasy/ sci-fi ~

Sirius ~ Have you read Dune?? ~

Y/N ~ Yes !!! Holy shit such a good series !! ~

Sirius ~ I’ve been trying to get my mates to read it for a LIFETIME its so good ~

Y/N ~ I would have thought Remus would have read them? He’s always got a new book with him ~

Sirius ~ I didn’t know you knew Remus as well? But yeah, he in theory would but he also has a long list of to reads and wants to go through them one after another ~

Y/N ~ Yeah, he studies with Lily a lot and I sometimes join them 😊. Also jesus that’s commitment, I’m usually picking up another book whilst I’m halfway through another ~

Sirius ~ I have no idea how he does it, if I’m being honest, if I hate a book I just don’t finish it (please don’t tell my literary friends I told you that, I would be killed in my sleep) ~

Y/N ~ Haha your secret is safe with me – imo I reckon that’s the best way to read, like why force yourself through something just because it’s a classic or whatever, I feel like that’s why so many people don’t read a lot you know? ~

Sirius ~ Completely! I actually just realised I have no idea what you study? ~

Y/N ~ Ahh that’s because I’ve been avoiding the question ~

Sirius ~ It can’t be worse than creative writing – I won’t even get a job after uni ~

Y/N ~ Oh believe me, it is. I study communications ~

Sirius ~ Oh dear lord you are every white girl who ever existed ~

Y/N ~ I know, I’m perpetuating the stereotype its very disappointing tbh ~

Sirius ~ So is that where you work then? ~

Y/N ~ Wow you remember a lot haha yeah, I’m doing an internship in social media management, it’s surprisingly soul-sucking ~

Sirius ~ Is that surprising… 😉 ~

Y/N ~ I mean, that was thinly veiled sarcasm haha but it’s actually not all bad, the strategy behind content etc is actually pretty interesting, and I’m working for an eco-friendly company so at least I get to come up with cool environmental memes ~

Sirius ~ Ahh yes, hit the youth with the memes ~

Y/N ~ See, you’re learning the comms ways already ~

 Thurs 11:28pm

Y/N ~ Whats ya facebook? ~

Sirius ~ Uhhh… Sirius Black? It’s not wildly hard to find, why? ~

Y/N ~ I’m gonna be real, I would like to stalk you ~

Sirius ~ Is this Y/N? ~

Y/N ~ :O ok you’ve known Y/N like 2 days how did you guess that ~

Sirius ~ Cause this message felt like one of those old school msn ‘my friend hacked me !!!’ ~

Y/N ~ You’re a smart boi, Black ~

Sirius ~ thank you kindly stranger ~

 Fri 6:45 am

Y/N ~ I AM SO SORRY ~

~ MARLENE STOLE MY PHONE ~

~ I PROMISE I’M NOT A STALKER ~

Sirius ~ Why on earth are you awake right now ~

Y/N ~ Because my body never allows me to sleep in ~

Sirius ~ how rude, also don’t worry I accepted your Facebook request so you can stalk all you want 😉 ~

Y/N ~ Literally am going to stab Marlene ~

Sirius ~ At least she’s up front ~

Y/N ~ Wait why are you awake rn? ~

Sirius ~ James wants to make the firsts soccer team at uni and has decided I must train with him ~

Y/N ~ Well that’s gross ~

Sirius ~ Couldn’t have said that better myself ~

Y/N ~ so what does this training consist of ~

Sirius ~ Mainly James trying to shoot balls at my head as I attempt to goal keep ~

Y/N ~ Can’t see that ending well ~

Sirius ~ Excuse you, I happen to be VERY athletic. I am a multisided human being thanks ~

Y/N ~ I am so sorry to have placed my predisposed ideas on you ☹ pls forgive ~

Sirius ~ I will have to think about it – right now James wanted me to do suicides and I must go into hiding ~

Y/N ~ Godspeed ~

Sun 2:58pm

Y/N ~ Ok I know I promised not to stalk, but what the fuck is going on in this picture ~

~ file ~

Sirius ~ oh no no no no no no no no ~

Y/N ~ ehheheheheheheheh ~

Sirius ~ I really thought my privacy settings were better than this ~

Y/N ~ Yeah this was very easy to find ~

Sirius ~ I’m going to kill James ~

Y/N ~ You can’t blame james for this beauty ~

Sirius ~ Oh I really can, he decided it would be hilarious for us to have a photoshoot when I was completely trashed one night. And then proceeded to post everything and tag me ~

Y/N ~ James sounds like a fun night out ~

Sirius ~ I wouldn’t say that to lily ~

Y/N ~ What she doesn’t know won’t kill her 😉 ~

Sirius ~ You are slyer than I thought ~

Y/N ~ I think I’m going to frame this photo and place it all over your uni ~

Sirius ~ You wouldn’t ~

Y/N ~ You may need to convince me otherwise ~

Sirius ~ Anything to avoid that embarrassment in my life ~

Y/N ~ Perhaps you’ll just have to owe me for sparing you ~

Sirius ~ I think that’s a fair deal – what about a coffee? ~

Y/N ~ I think a coffee or two would be a fair trade off :P ~

Sirius ~ Well I have the most disgusting week of midterms but perhaps on the weekend? ~

Y/N ~ Sounds LIT ~

Sirius ~ You’ve just made me regret inviting you anywhere ~

Y/N ~ That’s what I’m here for 😉 ~

 Wed 3:07pm

Sirius ~ Bit of a creepy question, but did I see you at uni today? Navy Skirt, Black Jumper, & tights?

Y/N ~ Wow you really observe an outfit don’t you ~

Sirius ~ I mean I noticed the outfit cause I thought it looked good and then I realised it was you and so it stuck in my head ~

~ in a less creepy way ~

~ in fact let me just completely start over – were you at uni today? I think I saw you! ~

Y/N ~ Maybe, what was I wearing? ~

Sirius ~ I hate you ~

Y/N ~ 😉 Well to answer your question, yes I was at uni – it was Lily and I’s weekly cheap lunch date ~

Sirius ~ Classy ladies you two are ~

Y/N ~ Couldn’t describe us better myself ~

Sirius ~ Oh by the way, are you going to Remus’ party this Friday? ~

Y/N ~ Mmmm I was thinking about it, why? ~

Sirius ~ No reason, I just knew Lily was invited and he mentioned inviting some of her friends ~

Y/N ~ Mmmm, yeah he told Lily to bring Marlene and me along, unsure though as Lily is particularly annoyed at James this week and he will of course be there and be annoying ~

Sirius ~ What if I can promise he won’t annoy her? ~

Y/N ~ I really don’t think you should make a promise you can’t keep :P ~

Sirius ~ Ah, you underestimate me! James has to go home this weekend to see his parents so he won’t actually be there ~

Y/N ~ This is a very interesting development – we may reconsider ~

Sirius ~ Well Remus does throw a great party ~

Y/N ~ DO you actually know what James did anyway? She usually likes to rant about it but she’s been shut in her room the past 2 days ~

Sirius ~ Honestly I’m not sure, James has been unprecedently quiet as well ~

Y/N ~ Hmmm how odd ~

Sirius ~ Indeed it is ~

 Friday 4:42pm

Y/N ~ What are you guys wearing tonight? ~

Marlene ~ Not sure, I’m torn between a velour tracksuit or the classic Canadian tuxedo ~

Lily ~ Both very classy options ~

Marlene ~ You know me, go hard or go hard ~

Y/N ~ You’re both incredibly unhelpful ~

Marlene ~ Worried about meeting a certain dark haired texter? ~

Y/N ~ Am I not allowed to want my best friends’ help on my outfits?? ~

Marlene ~ I mean I can’t help you look hot if I don’t know who its for 😉 ~

Lily ~ God forbid she looks hot for herself ~

Marlene ~ Hey, you’ve gotta play to your audience ~

Y/N ~ How would you even know what he likes ~

Lily ~ She stalked him around campus yesterday ~

Y/N ~ um MARLENE ~

Marlene ~ I just wanted to know his style, habits, if he was a psycho killer ~

Lily ~ She has a point, if he’s as annoying as James we have to protect you at all costs ~

Marlene ~ We need to make sure she isn’t sucked in by his serial killer prowess ~

Y/N ~ You’re making me sound like prey ~

Marlene ~ 😉 ~

Y/N ~ How did you even stalk him, Lily has no classes with him ~

Marlene ~ I have my ways ~

Lily ~ She flirted with the office assistant until she gave her Sirius’ schedule ~

Y/N ~ You minx ~

Marlene ~ No one can resist my charms ~

Lily ~ That is yet to be determined actually ~

Y/N ~ very true Lils, we’ve never met anyone you’ve dated yet ~

Marlene ~ Sooooo not the point, and we’ve gone off topic! How are you going to wow Mr Black ~

Y/N ~ That is 100% not what I asked ~

Lily ~ you may as well have ~

Y/N ~ You both suck ~

Lily ~ Wear that flowy black dress you refuse to ever wear!! ~

Marlene ~ YES YOU LOOK BANGING IN THAT ~

Y/N ~ ugh but it’s a casual party ~

Marlene ~ Who gives a shit, stand out ~

Lily ~ He’ll be drooling ~

Y/N ~ I don’t need him to drool I just want to make a good first impression ~

Marlene ~ Aha the truth finally comes out ~

Y/N ~ if you were actually in your dorm I’d be hitting the roof with a broomstick rn ~

Lily ~ Where are you?? ~

Marlene ~ Where do you think 😉 ~

Lily ~ Not the office assistant ~

Marlene ~ 😉 ~

Lily ~ How!? I was with you the whole time, you never exchanged numbers ~

Marlene ~ Exchanging numbers doesn’t have to be an oral task… unlike other things 😉 ~

Y/N ~ We get it, your sexual prowess is above all of us ~

Lily ~ I’m honestly impressed, she was cute ~

Marlene ~ I’m offended you’d be impressed tbh ~

Y/N ~ Ok so you are both coming over to my house in an hour to dress and intoxicate me ~

Lily ~ Deal ~

Marlene ~ Maybe give me an extra 30 mins 😊 ~

Taglist:  @averytruerayofsunshine @siriuslyjanhvi @blushingskywalker @blackpinkdolan @thebabblingbookworm @cherrie511 @imlukesnirvana @avengersassemblee @maraudersandco @sly-vixen-up2nogood @katbernoulli @sirius-lysad @evyiione @minerva26love @aikeia @gollyderek @greatwombatblaze  @songforhema  @your-typical-giggle

[bentchcreates]

Carla De Guzman Trio

(Marry Me, Charlotte B; Driving Home; and Up All Night)

I took too long to post a review of Carla’s book that I was able to read and finish two more of her short stories. Heehee. I’m posting these review in the order that I’ve read them. :)

Marry Me, Charlotte B

This was actually my first book from her. I got my copy at MIBF 2016, the same day I first met her, but I went ahead and read her other books first. LOL. This was also the last book I’ve read in 2017 and ugh, I don’t know why I waited so long to start with it. I liked it so much!

It felt like a reality show Devil Wears Prada*, which I think was a strong influence in the writing of this, but it’s wonderfully separate from that because the romance here is swoon-worthy friends-to-lovers. I also love that (spoiler alert?) Nellie undergoes a mini-makeover, but (another spoiler alert) she didn’t really need it. LOL. I don’t want to say anything anymore because I feel like I’m just gonna go ahead and tell you the story, haha. But watch out for the conflict (Rob’s fault, but not entirely)and the brilliant way they patch things up, the red-herring, and the side romance of Nellie’s clients. It’s amazing! Robert is charming and clueless at times, which made him even more adorkable in my opinion.

I also love the pop-culture references especially the RuPaul ones; and the word-styling** was perfect. It made the reality-TV setting more authentic.

Admittedly, I was confused in the first few paragraphs because I thought Charlotte B was the name of the protagonist, so I didn’t understand why everything was revolving around Nellie.  After about three pages, I read the blurb behind the book and it finally made sense! Hahaha! I love the Charlotte B character, though, and I rarely do fancasts of books I read but I couldn’t shake the image of Jessica Lange being Charlotte. Jessica Lange in AHS Coven, but less evil glam, and more Miranda Priestly-boss levelz. ;)

Also, Donna is the level of chill I will forever aspire to be. Now that I think about it, maybe the character is also influenced by another Donna character from that TV show with lawyers that I sometimes watch with my cousin. (I completely forgot the title, I’m sorry. I’ll edit this when it finally comes to me.)

I absolutely enjoyed this book more than I expected. The print book is quite thin so I was pleasantly surprised when a lot of things happened (a lot of kilig-things happened, specifically) and towards the end, I kind a forced myself to slow-read the last few pages because I didn’t want it to end yet, I didn’t want to leave the universe Carla created yet, but no such luck. I was super excited for things to fall into place for my girl, Nellie.

*I have only seen the film (a fifty times, at the very least) and haven’t read the book yet. **WillReadForFeels taught me this word over at Litsy. XD

The following are two short stories available for FREE at Instafreebie (links below)

Driving Home

I remember feeling ridiculously giddy when I started reading this because the heroine, Isabel, picked an orange (my favorite color) Volkswagen as her car. (I love Beetles, but my heart belongs to the Samba!) Also, Nacho, her LI, is a tall man (my heart belongs to them, too, choz) and this is a bestfriends-to-lovers story that spans a couple of years (slow-burn romance burns my heartstrings on fahyerrr)

It’s quirky and light-hearted, and while it’s deeply rooted in local places (compared to other books by Carla featuring amazing places all over the world) the sense of adventure is still as fascinating to read.

I also love the shout-out to Ang Bandang Shirley in the dedication at the end of the story. I don’t remember ever hearing a song from them before (I’m so sorry again, ehe) but I’m adding them now to my Artists To Discover playlist.

Up All Night

This is another adventure I thoroughly enjoyed. This time, Carla takes the readers to Hong Kong and Macau with a cute MC (another Canlas girl!! I’m so happy!) and a crushable LI. This combination of protagonists exuded strong Asian Drama feels for me and when this story becomes adapted on screen (TV or Movie, idc) I know I’ll bingewatch this several times. LOL.

I love the photo inserts (taken by the author/with the author herself) and the inclusion of food in the cultural aspects of the tourist spots mentioned in the book. I especially loved the ‘pink slip’ incident and the special restaurant date that resulted from it. The end scene made me squeal internally at 2 AM, so be prepared for that! Heehee.

I need more of Penelope and Anton!! So bad! I mean, I liked how this short ended, but may I demand for an epilogue from the author? Like, maybe a 30k worded epilogue (lels) because I need to know what happens after that end scene happens! I have so many follow-up questions! Haha

4.5 of 5 Stars for each. I loved all these stories! They were awesome books to start 2018 with and I am looking forward to reading more from Carla this year!

Blurbs:

Marry Me, Charlotte B!

“Marry Me, Charlotte B!” premieres their first ever season! 

Chronicling the everyday life of the fabulous wedding planner Charlotte Bertram and her team, the show features wedding planning tips, a colorful cast of characters, and an unexpected love story. The season focuses on Charlotte B’s biggest challenge yet—planning the royal wedding of Pop Princess Renee Winters to her beau Congressman Ewan Walters, while searching for her apprentice. Will it be her sexy son Robert? Her quiet assistant Nellie or her fabulous receptionist, Donna? Diva meltdowns, wedding madness and gorgeous weddings set in the beautiful backdrop of San Francisco come together to make for great reality TV that will have you screaming, Marry Me, Charlotte B! Marry Me Charlotte B airs its first episode…right now.

Buy Links:

Marry Me Charlotte B!:

Amazon Kindle: https://www.amazon.com/Marry-Me-Charlotte-Carla-Guzman-ebook/dp/B00WG9Y4G4 Print: https://somemidnights.typeform.com/to/eQWo23

Up All Night: https://www.instafreebie.com/free/Qm5Ie Driving Home: https://www.instafreebie.com/free/580X3

About the Author:

If you ask Carla what she does for a living, she will tell you that she’s not quite sure.

By day, she works a regular day job and writes for a lifestyle website. By night, she’s an author and an artist, spending her midnights at her desk and making these silly love stories. She loves to travel, coming home to her dog Kimchi and spending her weekends having dinner with her crazy family.

She’s currently on a quest to see as many Impressionist paintings as she can, and is always in search of the perfect pain au chocolat.

Twitter: https://twitter.com/somemidnights

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/somemidnights

www.somemidnights.com

somemidnights@gmail.com

[savemefrommyselfxv]

Want to write but idk what to write.

Ahahah. Mm. Ok let's try to reply. - Ahahah. Mm. Ok let's try to reply. // Live in songs, live in heart, this is hard. But ahah why does "live in song" makes it sound like a goodbye adios HAHAH boo Hm see ok let us have me be truthful. I am baina baina, pendulum, much, between: 1) "And then once upon a time I was done. I wanted to truly pull cold chords." vs 2) "Homegirl. I don't want to lose this friendship." and then now its like idk ah, hahah I rmmbr one of my earliest early opensilvers I wrote about how I wanted to play the role of a lighthouse and a pantau and I wanna look out for you ish without being stifling. but then I also wonder if that's even my role to play and if it's my place to hold high expectations upon you and. See like when you said moral amphibian phase is back and clarke quay is a big hint to wtv like. Idek if I hm idk :( and ya la like see hahahah it's not my place to put disappointment upon anyone either and of course it's much a breeze for me to uphold instead the image of hey this boy is trying in his deen etc etc hahah but yeah. Truest true of companions would see us for the real us. So hm. (ahahah so ya lor actlly now that I do a quick scroll, much of my unpublished writes probs revolve around these themes) (I still do wanna know how your days go but yeah ahah idky I can't just drop u a text or wtv entah ego hahah) So ya ok lel but yeah I guess if we were "cool street friends" which means minusing all the fratata of fitrah flow, it's probs easier to accept you for you, and I wouldn't hold thaaaat high hopes for you but yeah while I'd still root for better, brave, righteous you who'd leave all vices and be protected and all, but yeah ahahah stupid eh why does it hurt to know you'd dabble in vices (ok la actlly idk if you do, so I try not to think abt it and I try to think of sunshine you and the seeker you and you with great ilm and advices and you with gusto and enthusiasm to crash good gatherings and you who'd help your mother and nenek and you. Happy bright you. But yeah ahah people are people and we each are whole because of our broken parts too but ala hahahah ah kk rambles)(maybe I should just publish my other previous writes that's probs more coherent) // But yeah ahahah but then I also rmmbr what you said about "oh if you think you're doing it for me then don't bother. It'll backfire and not worth it." // But then I also think about how you're one of the few who'd catch my more artistic poetic, life in symbols metaphors and multilayerings, and like ya hahahah you catch my thoughts and our frequency is decently good and ya la. Your mind is a wonderment and ya. The whole we vibe decently good thing. // So macam mana? Hahahah flow all ways but takut dried up but then again there's the whole "If it comes, let it. If it goes, let it." and Yeah ahah. I'm not here to play superhero, and yeah goes back to your "don't bother, backfire" thing And like I'd be tempted to just: "If I promise I'd go back to not pulling cold chords, and to invest more into being a friend/mirror/kindergarten/chillerdeepdiver who's there for you etc etc, at least for the next 3/4 months will you promise me to try your hardest to hustle hard, get it tgt in wtv ways, leave all moral amphibian and be the best you through baby steps and a journey?" But. Ya ah see I'm not here to play superhero and who am I la to impose wtv tho ykno of course I wish good for you :( and the whole "love for your brother what you love for yourself" and yeah. I once wrote how having companions journey through with us, is a great gift, through it all but hm. Idk idk idk. Ahahahaha ok la HAHA idk how to end this and ya basically idk I guess this friendship is too cool/precious to let it die but haiya haiya. HAHA Ah. :') + :'( oki. I liked Gene's class today tho. Ahah and then I also got a chance to hear ust Nuzhan share about qurban and sacrifice today and yay guess who is on part time security officer duty now .... Me :) HAHAGA aka night shift so yeah I guess I could squeeze in time to write either on trips back from work or night shift or off daysssssss ahah speaking of which how wassss the kidsexplorer thing AHA I didn't know you were into kids but yaaaaa twas one of those places that I would have applied at if I was looking for part time job or yeah the other one Id do would be like camp instructors ah. But yeah some friends weren't encouraging me to, cuz they were looking out for my solat etc which hm yeah I guess they have a valid point. so did you go for tafsir tuesday today? :) ahah. Aight ok until then here's to abrupt ends HAHAHAH drop me a text whenever ah or idk you could letter writes back but YA, HAHAHA I still think it's queer bcuz ruminating is for all to read whereas open silver is truly idk hahahah I guess only you read (but of course Allah As Shaheed) mmm but yeah. High key lowkey of such a friendship. Sirr. Unsirr. Hm. Ahah. Until then, mir'a (are we sure it's even the right word ahah) Ummmm and yeah ahahaha clarke quay. Hm hahahah. I rmmr I once referenced clark quay in one of my old writes. "Ask me How are you So that I could answer That lately I've been fumbling And losing grip of the 2 ropes And that the chilly nights So much so as Inspire me To want so bad Some companionship Upon sitting by the midnight river And drunkards backdrop And pretty lights of skyscrapers to speak of metaphor scars That recently have been peeling Today I figured I'd never actlly had a Chance and a one To talk me through that. Thorough and through to clean slates. /// 19 to 20 but swear, it's almost like I'm back to the square root Of 13." Aight. Until then. Ahah also(!!) the other time when I had the vivid dream there was this quote I'll just screenshot and post ah. It was intriguing but yeah. couldn't exactly figure. Until then until then. 3:12am type of incoherent rambles :"") (lmao my phone died and yada yada but ok here's to posting my writes) 26/7

[tsushini]

get to know the blogger

so, I just wanna do this because I feel like telling more about myself today because maybe some followers of mine want to know more... dunno, hope you don’t mind it. I’ll add a read more just to shorten things up. Here’s the link for the original post.

1. If you didn't have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time? That sounds awful but maybe work harder? Write more, work out, improve myself? or maybe just nextflix and eat lel.

2. What is your favorite piece of clothing you own / owned? I love t-shirts but my favourite right now is this panda hodie I have that have a hole for my thumb on each sleeve, it’s pretty cute.

3. What hobby would you pick up if time & money weren't an issue? Dancing. I already play the guitar, write and do a bunch of art and editing stuffs but I’ve always wanted to learn how to dance, seems fun. I’ll try it soon.

4. What does your perfect room look like? My room’s pretty nice now but I’d like a room on the attic or something with some big ass window so the sun is always shinning through it, a small ladder to climb onto the roof, plants, one of those mattresses on the floors instead of a bed, a nice and clean bookshelf... something nice and peaceful.

5. How often do you play sports? That’s a good joke.

6. What fictional place would you like to visit? All of them? I wanna be a wizard tho... maybe Hogwarts.

7. What job would you be terrible at? Client support, telemarketing and anything that will make me deal with annoying shitheads being stupid.

8. When was the last time you climbed a tree? God, dunno... when I was really young? I should climb more trees...

9. If you could turn any activity into an Olympic sport, what would you have a good chance of winning a medal for? Eating chocolate. Running away from crowded places. The Olympic metal for the one that’s always late, but I’d never show up to get my gold metal.

10. What is the most annoying habit that you or other people have? I have the worst habit of overthinking and putting other’s needs in front of mine and some people have the habit of taking advantage of my bad habits.

11. What job do you think you'd be really good at? I have no idea, I usually think I’m pretty bad at everything but I would be really good at sitting in the office doing my job and minding my own business but anyone could do that.

12. What skill would you like to master? WITCHCRAFT! Just kidding, I wanna kill it on the dance floor and draw well.

13. What would be the most amazing adventure to go on? Realistically it would be really nice to just leave any worries behind, drive for as long as you want and then explore that place for a day or two. My parents and I did that when I was really young but they stopped wanting those type of trips, now they plan everything. But fictionally, imagine a land full of mystical beings who are friendly with anything and everyone. That would be the best.

14. If you had unlimited funds to build a house to live on for the rest of your life, what would the finished house look like? Something rustic. I like nature and plants so maybe a simple house with a nice front porch with a few plants I can take care off and stuffs.

15. What's your favorite drink? Lemon Iced Tea from Lipton. I used to drink 2L of that a day! Now I can’t drink it. lel

16. What state or country do you never want to go back to? I’ve only been to Spain and I live in Portugal... but I’d really like to go back to Porto, it’s so awesome.

17. What songs do you have completely memorized? All of them. Every single one.

18. What game or movie universe would you like to live in? Scott Pilgrim vs The World. Imagine bumping into one of your friends playfully and accidentally starting a battle.

19. What do you consider to be your best find? I don’t understand this question but I’ve found some pretty neat rocks.

20. Are you usually early or late? Late.

21. What pets did you have when you were growing up? I had a dog for about 15 years that died about 2 years ago and a cat that didn’t live that long and died way earlier than the dog because of cancer. Now I have about 6 or 7 cats and 1 dog so...

22. When people come to you for help, what do they usually need help with? Advice, editing, creating a logo, photoshoots, music classes for kids, playing some concerts, a one night stand... Shall I continue? People ask me for a lot of shit.

23. What takes up too much of your time? Breathing and writing.

24. What do you wish you knew more about? Some cultures that I know very little about. Recently I’ve been looking into Japanese and Korean cultures but I’m very uncertain about what I’ve learn and I’d like to know a lot more about Indian culture, Chinese culture and any African culture because I know nothing about them. If you know anything about or are part of any cultures at all then please teach me. I am actually asking you.

25. What would be your first question after waking up from being frozen for 100 years? “What the fuck?”

26. What are some small things that make your day better? Water, sweets, seeing that the people I love are having a nice day and feel alright, the sun and my animals.

27. Who's your go-to band or artist when you don't know who or what to listen to? Right now it’s BTS, I really love them a lot. They’re pretty amazing artists. But I like rock a lot and jazz and it depends on how I feel at the moment. but yeah I’ll probably listen to BTS anyways.

28. What's the best way to start the day? Not getting up.

29. What TV shows do you like? I don’t watch tv much but I do use netflix and I’ve just finished Stranger Things s1, Rick and Morty s1 and I’m watching Jessica Jones. I also like Sherlock even though I’ve missed maybe the last 2 seasons... ups.

30. What TV channel doesn't exist but really should? An Adult Swim tv channel.

31. Who has impressed you most with what they've accomplished? I’ll be honest for a second... My friends impress me a lot on a daily basis.

My best friend hates college but never gave up. He gets up every day, rides the bus and takes the metro in the city which is tiring as shit, goes to those classes he hates, goes to the library to study even though he hates it and comes back home tired as hell but still plays a game with me and our friends and talks for a bit before going to bed. Every. Single. Day. Except weekends, but you get it.

My friend moved from Protugal to England, had a really tough time in London but still studied what she wanted, moved to another city 4 hours away from london to study what she wants, lives alone in an unknown city on an unknown country and keeps getting up every day and doing everything on her own even if things get tough.

And there are many more stories I could tell but those things really impress me because I can’t leave the house without panicking and they do it and even more on a daily basis. I can barely leave my room and they leave their house and walk into the middle of an unknown city every single day and that’s fucking amazing. My babies are fucking amazing.

32. What age do you wish you could stay at permanently? 17. Not an adult but not too imature. I could still get a part-time job and party without anyone bothering me or asking questions about children and marriages.

33. What TV show or movie do you refuse to watch? Any horror stuff.

34. What's your ideal way to spend a weekend? Reading, writing or doing whatever I want without anyone annoying me.

35. What is something that is considered a luxury, but you don't think you could live without? There are a lot of things that are considered a luxury in my opinion since there’s a lot of people who can barely get something to eat in my country so... everything I own, including all the food on my fridge, is considered a luxury in my opinion. But if I need to say something, probably my computer.

36. What is your claim to fame? I don’t care.

37. What is something you enjoy doing the old-fashioned way? A lot of things but there are things that I like to do like my grandma taught me like tea with natural ingredients instead of buying the bags in the store, some gardening tips, some food, the cleaning with my own too hands and sewing... You get it.

38. What's your favorite book or movie genre? Fantasy, super heros and romance, I guess. But no clichés, I hate it when I can guess what will happen.

39. How often do you people-watch? A lot... It sounds creepy but as an artist I like to draw from life even if I’m not too good at it so... Every time I get a chance I either stare at someone and draw them or stare at someone and make up a story about that person in my head.

40. What have you only recently formed an opinion about? Music from other countries. I thought that listening to kpop would be weird but nope. They’re so awesome, they’re beating american artists, to be honest! They dance, sing, act, compose, they do so much shit!! I can’t believe they’re this awesome and I thought it was weird.

41. What's the best day of the year? None? I’m the type of person that hates Christmas so... Maybe the first day of Summer.

42. What subject interests you that not many people have heard of? As mentioned many times before... Kpop and Korean and Japanese culture.

43. How do you relax after a long day of work? Watching something on Netflix while cuddling with the closest animal.

44. What's the best book series or TV series you've ever read or watched? I really like John Green’s book “Looking For Alaska” because there’s no chapters, there’s just a countdown to eminent doom and a lot of stuff I can relate to in between, and I love Mr.Robot. It’s the best.

45. Where is the farthest you've ever been from home? 180km? About 4 maybe 5 hours? Sevilla, Spain? I think that’s it.

46. What's the most heartwarming thing you've ever seen? Cats maybe. Oh and the other day my dad offered some cake my mom made to a friend of his, and the expression that man had on his face was so pure as he looked at my dad and whispered “it’s actually good...”

47. What is the most annoying question people ask you? “why are you nervous?”

48. What could you give a 40-minute presentation on with no preparation? A lot of things... I know a lot of shit and I talk a lot about lots of shit... I could give an hour presentation about how chocolate is nice if I tried hard enough and felt like it.

49. If you were the dictator on a small island nation, what crazy dictator stuff would you do? I would make people be nice, never fight and never scream out of rage at each other and watch how many people would fail on the first day.

50. What is something you think everyone should do at least once in their lives? To not give a fuck.

51. Would you rather go hand gliding or whitewater rafting? Neither but hand gliding sounds nicer.

52. What's your dream car? Volkswagen Kombi

53. What's worth spending more on to get the best? Tough one... Concert tickets if it’s a once in a life-time opportunity, something that would make you happy and satisfied if you can keep it and, in my personal opinion, plane tickets to Seoul, South Korea.

54. What is something a ton of people are obsessed with, but you just don't get? Getting a lot of money and quick. I can’t understand why everyone wants so much money but then don’t pay attention to their loved ones and end up damaging their health for money and hurt who they love because “they need money”... I can’t understand.

55. What are you most looking forward to in the next 10 years? When I get to eat chocolate. hehe ＼(￣▽￣)／

56. Where is the most interesting place you've been? North of Portugal. “Parque Nacional da Peneda-Gerês” it’s beautiful, it’s big and has a lot of “secret” waterfalls that aren’t marked because they don’t want people to ruin them but they do anyway.

57. What's something you've been meaning to try but haven't gotten around to it? Soy milk and vegetarian food. I’ve drunk chocolate soy milk but not normal soy milk and I’m curious about vegan food.

58. What is the best thing that happened to you last week? BTS tweeted “obrigado” which is Thanks in Portuguese and it really warmed my heart and soul. Also I decided to start warking out and start a new diet and that was pretty cool. Oh yeah I went to this international Tourism fair they do every year in Lisbon and got a bunch of maps from Japan, Taiwan, Cuba I think and some other places. That’s cool.

59. What piece of entertainment do you wish you could erase from your mind, only to experience it for the first time again? Either 3D Movies or Music Festivals.

60. If all jobs had the same pay rate and hours, what job would you want to have? I’d want to be the same thing I’ve always want to be, a writer, a song-writer or maybe a composer or dancer. Even if this jobs had the same pay rate and hours, they require a lot of skill, effort and even luck sometimes, so don’t go around judging jobs by how much your paid, artists deserve a lot.

61. What amazing thing have you done that no one was around to see? I have a weird skill at catching things I drop mid air before they fall or break but I’m not that clumsy around people so...

62. How different was your life 1 year ago? Not that different but it had a lot less pills, a lot less happiness, less music and less determination.

63. What quirks do you have? I have no idea... I really don’t, sorry...

64. What would you rate 10/10? BTS 12/10 STRAIGHT TO HEAVEN HELL YEAH THEY FUCKING RULE REALLY

65. What fad or trend do you think should come back? The way people dressed in the 50s was pretty cool and that hippie trend about peace on hearth and rock’n’roll was also pretty awesome.

66. What is the most interesting piece of art you've seen? I’ve always loved some of Frida Kahlo’s paintings and her story as well (what a hell of a woman) but I love “Composition II en rouge, bleu et jaune“ by Piet Mondrain because it’s so simple and yet it’s one of the most famous paintings in the world.

67. What kind of art do you enjoy most? I enjoy paintings and going to art museums and all that but I’m mostly into photography than any other form of art.

68. What do you hope never changes? Me mostly but also my cats. Imagine them getting even more lazy... how awful...

69. What city would you most like to live in? I haven’t been too far, I’ve only gone to Spain so as far as I’m concerned I only know 0,1% of the world. With this in mind, fuck this I’m moving to either Tokyo, Japan or Seoul, Korea.

70. What movie title best describes your life? I can’t believe this is the hardest question ever... “Into the wild”

71. Why did you decide to do the work you are doing now? I’m not working currently, I’m helping everyone around me for free and for fun.

72. What's the best way a person can spend their time? Doing what they want and love

73. If you suddenly became a master at woodworking, what would you make? A lot of shit, a box at first, then bts stuff, then I’d do diy stuff, then props from sci-fi movies like thos guys on youtube... The sky is the limit...

74. Where is the most relaxing place you've ever been? A waterfall in the middle of nowhere at Parque Nacional da Peneda-Gerês.

75. What's the luckiest thing that has ever happened to you? I probably don’t remember. I dunno.

76. Where would you rather be from? Korea, Japan or somewhere where respect for each other is kinda important.

77. What are some things you've had to unlearn? Oh boy... How to use Adobe Illustrator, Flash and Dreamweaver, how to play the piano and read music sheets properly, how to dance ballet and ball dances (I had a few classes when I was younger)... How to properly take a picture, how to capture an event by filming and photograping it, you get me... a lot of shit...

78. What do you look forward to in the next 6 months? Peace, quiet and the results of my new diet.

79. What website do you visit most often? Youtube and Tumblr.

80. What one thing do you really want but can't afford? I’d say travel but I’d really like to strart some kind of project alone like selling my own art or do youtube or something like that but I’m really unsure about everything in life and I don’t have a job so it’s pretty complicated.

81. Where do you usually go when you have free time? Bed.

82. Where would you spend all your time if you could? Bed.

83. What's special about the place you grew up? I don’t have one place I grew up in because I was always going from my grandmas house back to my parents house and back to my grandmas house so...

84. What age do you want to live to? I'll die when I die, dude.

85. What are you most likely to become famous for? Jesus, dunno... being a bitch? I’m my best friends photographer, I do a lot of editing, I play guitar with an orchestra and I write a lot of shit so... I don’t even know.

86. What are you absolutely determined to do? Oh boy, am I determined to breathe!

87. What is the most impressive thing you know how to do? Disappoint people? I’m not impressive.

88. What do you wish you knew more about? Again, I want to know more about other cultures and I want to try and understand them all.

89. What question would you most like to know the answer to? Is my anxiety going to disappear.

90. What question can you ask to find out the most about a person? I usually ask if they put the cereal first or not.

91. When was the last time you changed your opinion or belief about something major? I’m always changing my opinion on a daily basis because I acknowledge that I too make mistakes and I too sometimes am wrong.

92. What's the best compliment you've ever received? Someone told my I can captivate other people with the way I talk and that my company makes them happy, best compliments ever.

93. As the only human left on earth, what would you do? Steal a lot of shit and try to travel as far as I can go without knowing how to fly a plane or drive a boat? (do you drive boats? I don’t even know.)

94. Who inspires you to be better? BTS and my friends. They’re always doing their best all the time.

95. What do you want your epitaph to be? brb.

96. What haven't you grown out of? My parents’ house.

97. In what situation or place would you feel most out of place in? In public alone or when people are talking about something I don’t know or like.

98. What's the dumbest thing you've done that actually turned out pretty well? I went to Porto to meet someone, it’s about 3 to 4 hours driving depending on how you drive and that person was too busy to meet me so I got to know the city and I loved it. Best weekend ever and didn’t even care about that person.

99. If someone wrote a book on an event in your life, what would the book be about? Some weird ass shit, let me tell ya.

100. What's something you will never do again? A lot of stupid shit.

101. How do you hope you'll change as a person in the future? I hope I change for the better but I’ll definitely get thinner and healthier.

102. What keeps you up at night? Netflix.

103. What's the most surprising self-realization you've had? That all I need in order to get better is myself and that I don’t like and I don’t feel the need to have a person close to me as in more than friends as in relationships as in I don’t like people getting too close and it’s not a problem to me so... yeah.

104. What is the most illegal thing you've ever done? Smoke weed? Smoke some kind of other drugs? Drinking underage at 8am in a public space near a school? I think I stole something once... can’t remember. I went through a weird phase.

105. How do you get in the way of your own success? By thinking I can’t do it by myself.

106. What are you afraid people see when they look at you? My fears, my anxiety, my craziness and everything bad in me.

107. What is your biggest regret? Starting this no sweets diet.

108. What do you look down on people for? Being ignorant as in doing something bad and not caring about it or as in being racist or homophobic or as in offending someone and not caring about them. disrespectful people are the worse.

109. What bridges do you not regret burning? Let them burn. All of them. No regrets.

110. What lie do you tell most often? I’m fine. Everything’s fine.

111. What would be your spirit animal? A Sloth or an Elephant. Both of them are pretty cool once you learn about them.

112. What is the best & worst thing about getting older? The best is doing what you want and the worst is the responsibilities they just drop on you on your 18th birthday like you know everything now.

113. What are you most likely very wrong about? About how cool and nice Japan seems, it sounds too good to be true. People actually wait for other people to exit the train before entering?? that can’t exist...

114. If you had a personal flag, what would be on it? Nothing because I’m too lazy to design it.

115. What's happened that changed your view on the world? Life and anxiety happened and fucked me up. And this shitty teacher was an asshole as well.

116. What is the biggest lesson you've learned? If a teacher fails 24 out of 25 students, the teacher has a serious problem.

117. What is the most immature thing you do? I pout and whine a lot and I hide my hands on my hoodie sleeves and then hide my face, that’s very child like.

118. What are you famous for among your friends & family? I painted my hair blue once.

119. If your childhood had a smell, what would it be? Various flowers blended together.

120. What one responsibility do you wish you didn't have? I hate that I’m the one cleaning and cooking and all of that and that I’m the one my dad comes to talk about the problems he has with my mom. He screams a lot about it, I end up just nodding my head for an hour straight and I hate that it feels like a responsibility to hear his problems.

121. What are 3 things you want to accomplish before you die? All I want is to feel happy, no anything, just whatever makes me happy.

122. What do you want to tell your 10-year-old self? Do not steal your friend’s Barbie’s clothes even if she’s a bitch and she didn’t invite you to her birthday party.

123. What's the best thing you got from your parents? Everything I own except my life.

124. What's the best thing about you? Dunno, I help anyone that needs help without asking for anything back.

125. What blows your mind? BTS and how strong they are.

126. Have you ever saved someone's life? I kinda did since me and my friends are all some depressed little shits and I’ve met a lot of people who had a lot of problems and thought about suicide a lot and we are all still little living shits, I guess you could say we all saved ourselves.

127. What are you really good at but embarrassed to be good at? Doing extremely explicit research for writing certain things about certain types of people... I’m good at finding stuff...

128. What would a mirror opposite of you look like? A short man with really dark skin, long hair, an athletic body, confident and pretty dumb I guess.

129. What are 3 interesting facts about you? I love every single animal in the world, all of them. I love reading not only romances but also poetry, I own a book about the history of haikus and Matsuo Bashô who kind of created them I guess. And, even though I hate spiders and other bugs, I refuse to kill them or harm them except the occasional spider I vacuum when I clean the house.

130. Which of your scars has the best story behind it? I have one on my leg I got when I was younger while trying to iron a skirt that my dad refused to let me use so I told him I didn’t need him for anything and did it myself and somehow ended up touching the side of the iron on my leg and hurting myself.

131. What's the title of the current chapter in your life? “This should’ve never been written”

132. What were some of the biggest turning points in your life? When I decided to start seeing a psychologist.

133. What's the hardest lesson you've learned? Rather their family or friends, people are people and they will disappear eventually. Either voluntarily or not.

134. What do people think is weird about you? I’m 100% weird. There’s nothing that isn’t weird about me.

135. What mistake do you keep making? Trusting people.

136. What have you created that you're most proud of? A few videos, a few photos, a few drawings... I’ve done a few things now that I think about it. Good question.

137. What do you doubt? Myself.

138. What are some of your morals? I like to respect everyone even if they don’t respect me or if they have different opinions from mine. I like to be respectful to older people the most because where I was raised everyone who is an adult would take care of you. That’s not the case any more though.

139. What do you want to be remembered for? Being nice, helpful and weird.

140. What do you regret not doing in your childhood years? Having fun.

141. What is your favorite fragrance? I like sweet smells like strawberry and roses.

142. What do you think your last words will be? ups.

143. Who or what do you take for granted? My family most likely and my best friend.

144. Why would you be annoying as a roommate? I listen to music loudly, I sing all the fucking time and I’d prank my roommate every week.

145. What is something you're insecure about? Is this a trick question?

146. What's the best & worst piece of advice you've received? Once my uncle gave me a potato for my birthday and I, as the 5 year old child I was, cried my heart out. After I stopped crying, my uncle sat me down and told him that I shouldn’t judge his gift so harshly. He told me he’d plant that potato and grew it just to give it to me for my birthday. He taught me to never judge anything that is given to me because I’ll never know how hard the person who gave me the present worked to give it to me and that I should accept everything as long as it is given to me with love and care. Afterwards he gave me a radio and it stopped working a few years ago but I still have it. Since then I’ve always hated when people gave me anything stupid and without any care or love put into it, like socks on Christmas. The worst one was when someone told me to just relax and to not be so stiff and I stopped studying and dedicated my life to drugs, alchool and stupidity. Way to go, dude.

147. What irrational fears do you have? The fear that people are always staring at me no matter what. If I go out in public I will feel like everyone is staring right at me, judging me.

148. What makes a good life? Happiness.

149. What's the last adventure you went on? There was this event last week that seemed like a fucking journey. It was a tourism thing and there were so many people from so many countries showing their culture. It was pretty neat. I also went alone to an appointment I had with a specialist to help me with my diet and that, for someone with anxiety, was an adventure and a half.

150. What is the most memorable gift you've received? A potato. Since that day I’ve always hate receiving gifts.

[myinnerocean]

16.02.2017

Here is your post Joi. I’m sorry I didnt visit tinychat again but guess what,my mom came and told me she needs her laptop back.So just after i found a way to tc again ,theres a new problem ,meeeh.Idk for how long that will be but I guess for a while.I am gonna try tho to make a post on here every once in a while or if something interesting happens. In a month ive got my A-levels.Damn.Thats soo crazy.I have Gesundheit and BVWL within in a week,then a month break (no school that time yeeah) and then my German and Englisch exam and another month later my oral exam in biology.And then another month till everything is finally over. Right now school kinda sucks bc were not writing exams anyway but still gotta go there.Thats annoying as fuck but whatever,ist just one month left. Nothing special happened lately so I am not sure what to tell you lel.I bought a shirt from lamb and he sent it today,I’m soo excited,it looks super nice.Meanwhile i meet up with Lars and are a very happy girl.Idk man I am just too lucky that I found him and I know it sounds like 2 much but its like we both know we wanna mary and were telling each other and  i just hope itll work out.He is literally my other half.It just couldnt fit better and i completely opened up to him.Meh I should stop now I dont think you wanna hear. Please tell me if you fell in love some time ago because i wanna know.Sometimes you post on lucidcrime and it doesnt sound good and it makes me worried and kinda sad bc i have no idea whats going on in ur life.I just wanna be part of it again. Btw writing feels good,its like an old feeling i missed lel. So please tell me about ur inner mind because i wanna know how you are rn  and what you think of life. Yours Ju

[hideitfar]

Hello friend.

haha didn’t know giving you space was such a hard thing to do. Wanted to text you so many times the past weeks. To tell you Stella came home, to tell you how much I liked school this semester, to tell you how friendly everyone became (maybe because last sem, graduation goggles are on, everybody is just being really friendly, I said hi to so many people this sem I think it outweighed all the ‘hi’s’ I ever said to the psych people in the previous semesters). I just wanted to tell you about whatever was going on.

I also wanted to tell you I realised you unliked my heart :( wanted to tell you that you’re stabbing me for not coming tonight. I also wanted to ask you about K. Do you like him? I want you to know, that I’d choose you over him. Wanted to tell you that when I sat at service last week, without you, without him, I kept tearing. I wanted to go to choir room and give you a hug. PCN kept pushing, go and love that person you know who’s struggling. But I can’t :( I cannot because I realise my love is something you don’t want now. And I cannot deal because I realise I upset you. If I didn’t love you, it would be easier. It would bother me that I’d upset you, but I would be fine. But I’m not that fine now.

I write this because I still want to reach you but I don’t know how. I want to be so indirect, but this still is direct. haha. Wanted to post a note on facebook, post on instagram, but I didn’t want the world to see. I want you to know how I feel, I want to communicate more. (How did we get here? I admit, the first week, I was PMS-ing. I was being emotional, more than usual, and then it just spiraled out of control lol.) And here goes the main message.

hmm, I keep thinking about what you said on insta. That you felt that I didn’t need you anymore. And I guess we have different perspective on how we see the relationships we have in our lives. Not like of opposite polarity or what not, just viewing the elephant from different points.

At the start of uni, when the boys were asking Qi why she got no boyfriend and all, I remember very clearly what one guy (can’t even remember who anymore lel) said to me, “you’re someone every guy needs”. Got me thinking, and I realised that I never wanted to be needed. I want to be wanted. There’s so many things in life we need, but sometimes we just don’t want them.

Not sure if it’s the insight that psychology gives me about us as people, but that view just generalised to everybody in my life. Can I survive without all the people I love so dearly now? Yes. The beauty of human resilience, a strength heavily downplayed. Would I die? Also yes. I would die a million times, over and over again, when I wake up every morning wondering where all these people went. Where you went. But we would also move on. Eventually. And all the more as children of God, because our everlasting hope is in Him. The point is, the hard truth is we don’t need each other. #hardtruthswithqi

But do I want you? Yes. Very very very very very much. 

Why do I want you (is it if I were a boy this is confession script)? Natural inclination I would say. And a deeper meaning to that, would be that God has wired my heart to want you. Out of that inclination towards you, we’ve blossomed over the years of our friendship. More so in the past 2 years I would say? It grows every year. And from all that growth, I appreciate you more. I love that you are such a strong human. To love other people even when it is so hard so painful so tiring. You stay. I appreciate your wisdom and reason (a spiritual gift really). To see things in light of eternity, and to know what should be done. To know and stick to what is correct. (yes not all the time, because we fail many times, but you are good at that, a strength you have) I love your honesty and sincerity. Basically your authenticity. You r real. You r human. (I study psych, and I love raw humans). And I also love the trust you give me. You make me feel important and that I am doing something right in life. 

For that I’m sorry I let you feel like you became less important to me :( you r important to me. Because even though I would not need you to carry on with life, but my want and desire for you is greater than a significant number of people in my life and without you, it would take me a long time to recover.

haha I usually let your mood swings blow over. I thought that was bad, me ignoring your emotional needs. So this time I pursued you. I wanted to know if I could do better to love you. Remember, I intended, and still intend to love you more.

Anne Usha Mahendran, I have hope in the Lord that we will be fine, I’m just being needy (I dont want you to ever think, oh no, how we ever going to recover from this and be ‘normal’ again? We will not la, we will emerge stronger and that’s our new norm, tyvm). Honestly, if I were to rate how upset I am on a scale of 0 (not at all) to 10 (very), I’m about a 6. Not like very high, but it would be a 2-3 fold increase from my usual 0-2 sadness ratings in average life. If you reply me somehow hahaha I would reply you again. Or when I feel like it I’ll talk to you again if you ignore me. LOL, but as much as I can, I’ll let you have space. If you think I’m doing a bad job at it, tell me also, like post on instagram with the caption “try harder”. hahaha then I will try harder at giving you space. and whenever you feel like you already miss me annoying you, you also can post on instagram “you are one annoying friend”, and we’ll start with a good hug.

MY DOORS ARE WIDE OPEN FOR YOU BECAUSE I STRONGLY FEEL YOU R SUCH A WORTHY FRIEND AND I WANT YOU. (punchline)

yes this is a sekret blog for miself when I get very upset. lol. haven’t used it in the longest longest time. maybe because you became my tumblr.