#it would be so hard. and would probably break ones heart yknow. anyways. fan meta etc

[hopecomesbacktolife]

so I rewatched this episode recently and I am now Thinking Some Thoughts TM about The Librarians season 2 episode 9 And The Happily Ever Afters

namely, I was thinking about how I feel like there’s been discussions about the general plot, admiration for the funny bits and Fleve moments (as there should be!) a general appreciation for the overarching plot of the episode, how it’s compelling that they turn away from their “happily ever after” or, as Ariel put it, “their heart’s desire” right? and, while I’m sure we could even discuss whether these AU lives shown in the episode would really be these characters’ most secret, deepest wishes, given what we know about them—

I want to set that aside for a minute and really think about the premise. Ariel was saying that no human has ever been able to turn their back on that willingly, right? and my first thought was some abstract idea— humans being unable to turn their backs on true love, on the person they want to be with, or perhaps on the job they want most, or even something like having their own peaceful home, right?

but then I thought, okay, what would this be for me? My deepest desire, the thing that makes my heart ache with yearning— is it belonging? love? What would it actually look like to have the offer of your wildest hopes to be real, and to, for the good of the world and to save you and your friends’ (and the entire world) lives, to walk away from that?

and it’s that last bit of the question that really stopped me in my tracks because. and I don’t know if this is just because I’ve been thinking of STIV a lot recently, but. really? truly? if we’re being honest? deepest, fiercest desire? thing I would long for most in the world? fictitious alternate life that would be hardest to give up as it constitutes a happy ending? like, for me, that’s a Star Trek world, no question even about it. A hopeful optimistic future where humanity is among the stars, racism, sexism, homophobia, human xenophobia, and other forms of bigotry have been virtually eliminated, everyone’s basic needs are met and we’re no longer seeing constant and insidious human rights violations? humanity come together to create an equitable, fair, good world for all that has done away with money and everyone’s needs are met, medical care is free, incredibly accessible, and available to all, people are free to pursue their interests with no capitalistic control upon them, we’ve reached the stars and are caring for our earth, each other, and making friendships with new species?

like, ough. It’s Gillian Taylor being able to come with Kirk and crew back to the 23rd century and live there, you know? It’s that scene in Diane Duane’s TNG novel Dark Mirror where [redacted] is in awe at the prime universe’s wondrous hope and equality and loveliness! it’s The ultimate fantasy, this post-scarcity post-bigotry equitable utopia, you know?

If I was stuck in a life AU like the others in the show, I’m almost certain it would be being put into Star Trek. and I just. can you imagine, being placed into a Star Trek life, and then being asked to give that up, to save the world? how do you give up a future beyond hatred, beyond bigotry, beyond systemic inequalities and oppression and war and capitalistic medical systems and. and. how in hell could someone give that up? how is saving the world the very giving up of the better-future-dream made real, made tangible? when saving the world is somehow going back to the one that seems Worse, where we’re still dealing with all of these hates and bigotries and money-originated-violences? how is that saving the world? and, to be selfish, to give up a world free of homophobia, with instantly available medical care?

I just. god, with the self-reinforcing nature of the AU life spell I just. I don’t know if I’d be able to give it up. Would anyone be able to convince me that it’s not real? And even if, somewhere in my heart of hearts, I know that it isn’t real, that I’d been stuck into a materialized Star Trek AU that isn’t real life… could I give that up? to be completely serious, you know, envisioning that as a real life situation… could I truly look at that life, and say yes, this is exactly what I want, in this life I would never be denied medical care and have no need to work under capitalistic society and am fully accepted and cherished in my queerness and in space… and to say yes, it’s everything I’ve ever yearned for, and then to shut the door on that, and knowingly return to the world of our current day?

I don’t know, y’all. I mean. Even if I did do it, which isn’t 100% certain—but looking within myself I think I could have the strength to do it, but I’d need some time to bid farewell in my heart, it couldn’t be sudden— the very act of seeing a Star Trek future and being in it and then… to willingly leave… it would break my heart so deeply, I just. how does one recover from that? my throat hurts with the sheer emotion and sadness at the very thought; how could one knowingly, informedly leave such a place and not have your heart forever changed? I think I’d always feel a little wounded, a certain especially tender spot somewhere deep within myself. To have held that future and then let it slip from your fingers…

I think this is especially poignant and moving to me given that this comes immediately following And The Point of Salvation and we know that Ezekiel remembers everything, and even though he seems to be fine because the writers don’t let his character breathe and give him the space and respect he’s due / Julian Bashir-ify him / are racist and don’t let him express it onscreen, there’s no way that didn’t majorly fuck him up psychologically, and I feel like, as sweet as this episode is presented onscreen, it’s kind of the emotional narrative successor to the previous episode because it’s like, the other side of the forever-changed-self coin. to really, truly walk away from what you most desire?

for me, to walk away from a brief moment of living in a Star Trek world? to quote another story, I think I might be brave enough; but I don’t think I’d ever feel the same and, I think there would be so much indescribable sadness to the aftermath of this.

Even if we argue that each of their life AUs were vastly more personal than worldwide-altering hopes and dreams, still, and even given that these events were followed up by the season finale (which was very good as well!!) I think the characters would all really, really need time to sit with and process the grief of losing… whatever their heart’s-desire-lives were, whether we agree with the accuracy of the ones we saw on screen or no. I think they’d need to really mourn those brief flashes of an alternate life; and even after they went back to work and proceeded “as normal” I think these sadnesses would crop back up from time to time as a certain sound, certain name, certain object or scenery or other occurrence briefly brought their memory back to those brief flashes of another time, another life. And they’d help each other through it, of course, but. what a particular sadness that would be.

I dunno, I guess I just got to thinking about how incredibly difficult and heartbreaking it would be to be placed into a Star Trek future and then have to make the choice to give that up, and how I don’t think any of the Librarians or Eve would bounce back to normal immediately, how they’d need to give themselves time to feel all of the emotions and process the losses of the time when they inhabited their hearts’ desires because, ough, I would be such a mess.

maybe sometime I’ll write a fic about this because there’s so much unexplored emotional potential and angst/hurt/comfort territory going on here, but I had to get these thoughts out because the concept of being handed your deepest, dearest wishes and then being asked to recant to save the world is so, so much more intense, more heartbreakingly bittersweet, more layered than we really got screen time for, and is (to me at least!) so worth exploring in terms of how it would affect the characters in the weeks/months etc beyond the events of the episode. ough, just. so many feelings about this♡