#it would be easier if I wasn't sick and in pain the whole time lol

[schnuffel-danny]

me: "oh I'm already on season 3 of Adventure time! that was fast! I must be at least halfway through the whole show!!" me, seconds later: "wh- WAIT NO ONE TOLD ME THERE'S TEN SEASONS OF THIS HOW MANY FUCKING ADVENTURES ARE THERE"

[lucigoo]

Weekly Roundup: 12th May - 9th June

As im sure yo can see, I've been a bot (a lot) lacking in my Weekly ROundup. between a broken and dislocatted wrist (well done me) and just life in general, well I havnt done it. So here we are, I'm back <3 So, its been a few weeks. What I'm gonna do is the normal 6 recs and then add all the fics I've written so we are all up to date. Hope you all had a good FEW weeks lol. As always, recs first:

A Song of War (will set me free) - Sylcian_SPH_Legacy - Wiedźmin | The Witcher - (Geralt/Jaskier, this is one of my fav Warlord Geralt fics) Summary: "Jaskier came home one day and asked a question who changed the path of the ones he called family. Oxenfurt went to war to protect life and save hope four months later."

And Howl Your Pain Unto The Moon - Jeanblack2056 - Wiedźmin | The Witcher - (Geralt/Jaskier, I adore post-Caingorn and Jaskier at Kaer Morhen fics) Summary: After The MountainTM, Jaskier gets himself a nice new curse to wear, turning into a werewolf. He's not aware of much, but there is still something telling him to go north, go to the mountains. When Lambert meets the werewolf on his way home, and recognizes him, the witchers are up for an interesting winter.

Jaskier the disney princess and the harpies - Cao_the_dreamer - The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher (Geralt/Jaskier, this whole series is brilliant imo.) Summary: Jaskier is adopted by a fmaily of harpies, shennanigans ensue Daisy Chain - kayte_overmoon - Wiedźmin | The Witcher (Geralt/Jaskier, Pregnant omega Jaskier and overprotective Geralt, chefs kiss) Summary:

Geralt meets a young, pregnant omega who makes him question everything he's ever known.

It would be a lot easier to leave him behind if Geralt wasn't already in love with him.

Oak & Ash - Morg47 - Multifandom [Archive of Our Own] - (The hobbit, Bilbo/Thorin, I still adore this series and this one is so good) Summary -

Long before the elves, Orome rode across the lands and purged evil from the forests he loved. Once the other races began to wake, he asked Eru for help protecting Middle Earth. Not long after, Orome found the hobbits. Deciding they were a gift from Eru himself, Orome took them in and began to teach them not only to hunt but also how to care for the lands around them. Any hobbit worth their salt knew how to drive out evil and vanquish it, just as their Valar taught them.

So really, how was Bilbo supposed to refuse a quest that would not only allow him to travel the lands that all hobbits loved but also vanquish one of the greatest evils still on Middle Earth? He was supposed to say no to cleansing forests and vanquishing darkness and seeing new trees? Not going was never an option.

The more evil they met along the way, the better.

Unpleasant Arrangements - Chrononautical - The Hobbit - (Bilbo/Thorin, Jelous Bilbo is just beautiful) Summary: The King Under the Mountain requires a consort. Bilbo is happy to help him find one. So. Very. Happy.

And now, as always, my fics, we have 5 fics and here they are: I Planted My Trees, And Watched Them Grow with You (Bilbo/Thorin, I;ve finally written the peultimate fic for the bagignshield-tober prompts by @smolestboop, I'm getting there lol) Summary: Bilbo is 141 years old, much to old for a hobbit and he feels it.

Hobbits were giving a gift by Yavanna. They know 24 hours before their time is up.

This is Bilbo's time to say goodbye to all those he loves and all who love him. Hitting Him in the Heart (Bilbo/Thorin, last weeks @flashfictionfridayofficial, plese mind the tags) Summary: Thorin hasn't recovered from the Dragon sickness, he is just able to trick everyone but his hobbit.

Bilbo takes matters in his own hands to save his dwarves and Erebor. He will save them the only way he can.

Touching me, touching you (There is nothing magic can’t do) (Sirius/Remus, for the @marauderswithpalestineproject prompt, its smutty) Summary: Remus is away with work, Sirius has had a stressful day.

Thank fully Remus as a suprise and a new way to be intimate with Sirus, even if they are on opposite sides of the world. It's not goodbye, it's not forever, it's just not right now (Sirius/Remus, for the @wolfstarbingo2024, please mind the tags) Summary: Sirius is a disaster of a man and he needs help. He refuses to get it though and Remus is bearing the brunt of that until he decides that he can't any longer. Everything has a golden hue, everything but you (Bilbo'Thorin, for this weeks FFF< again, please mind the tags) Summary: Thorin is gold sick, he is possessive and angry. Especially when he finds out his Golden One isn't beside him in the treasury where he belongs. And there we have it, I'm now all caught up, have a good week all <3

[pleasedontcareaboutme]

Today is such a weirddddd day ahhhh.

I'm going to get a bittttttt personal, but I thought I would share. Besides celebrating Toll today, I wanted to remember Acchan as well, since it's the 10th month since his passing.

Today's really special for me, because it's not only Toll's birthday and Acchan's anniversary, but it's also my mom's birthday. She passed away 4 years ago, so today, when visiting her grave, I thought both about Toll and Atsushi as well. It's so ironic really, it's as if life did this on purpose, that I must face reality, both the good and bad today ahahaha.

Honestly saying, had I not discovered BT, I don't think I could have ever visited her grave with a smile, really.

Sorry really personal, actually bigggggggggg trauma dump lol, reallly long but I just want to let it out, since it is somewhat related to BT and Acchan ahaha. And, this is my diary lol, so I need to be honest with how I feel right haahah. Don't read it if you don't want to hear a pathetic debbie downer yap again ahahaha

I honestly did not have a great relationship with my mom when she was alive. There were many many issues going on in my family, and my mom couldn't handle the stress, so she often snapped at me and my siblings. She was slowly becoming an alcoholic, because she couldn't handle everything by herself. Back then, I resented her for it a lot. I thought to myself "why would she make her children see her like this" and many other nasty remarks in my head, but I kept quiet since I had no business in adult matters. But, now with an adult head, I feel terribly sorry for not understanding her better. My family was not that poor, but poor enough that my dad was forced to work abroad. He came home around once a month. Honestly saying, looking back at it, my mom must have felt so lonely. It must have been suffocating having to raise 2 kids without your husband you love dearly. I'm sure that's why she turned to alcohol as an escape. I regret so many things. I regret not being there for her, I regret not expressing my love for her, but mostly, I regret not expressing how I was just yearning for a mom. Had she knew how much I just wanted to love her, I'm sure her pain would have been easier to bear. But, instead I was mentally ill and put a whole lot more on her shoulders ajajajaiajsjjaj. I was a kid yes, of course, I just wanted a parental figure to be there for me, but still, I wish things could have happened differently. I wish she could have seen that I have recovered and I am living a great life now ( even though I'm still not a 100% yet ahah). Because despite her not being truly present, I felt her concern. I could see the sadness in her eyes when she looked at her helpless child she did not know how to take care of. Of course, I could be angry. I could be angry, it wasn't my fault. But I'm just sad, that I was born fucked up ahahahah. When my family was together, everything was great. Mom and dad loved each other, they tried to give us everything. But I, I had to become depressed and ruin it all. And finances had to interfere in a possibly healthy family life ahh. I wish I could have cherished those moments of happiness for longer, because now they are not possible to get back ahhhhh.

But how does this relate to BT yes well.

So around 5 years ago, my mom developed pancreatic cancer. Due to her lifestyle mostly, but genetics also played a role. I was so caught up in my head that time, I felt like it was a hassle to visit her in the hospital. I felt it was a hassle to call her, I felt it was a hassle to live ahahah. I was way too focused on trying to "better my future". I was obsessively trying to get out of my depression by isolating from everything and everyone and focusing on "being better" . But it became so obsessive I barely lived, I was functioning on autopilot, blocking out every emotion and "problems" from my life. I barely remember anything from this time, honestly. So I also blocked out my mom being sick. I did not, and couldn't acknowledge it. Fast forward, in just a few months she passed away. There was hope, there was despair. I don't fucking recall what was the last thing I said to her and anajajahjahahha I don't rmemeber the last time I spoke to herr ahahahhaha. This was all in the middle of covid so we weren't allowed to visit.

.I. don't. remember. when. was. the. last. time. I. saw. her. Since I never knew it would be the last sjsjwiwkaokwkelowlwlwl. She never called me because even on her death bed!!! she put me fucking first!!!! she didn't want to bother me!!!! cuz she knew I was doing school!!!! and she didn't want me to visit!!!! because she didn't want me to see her so "pathetic"!!!!!! And I just fucking let her do it because Im stupid. Im so sorrryy mom I wish I would have visited I wish I could remember your last words or your face, the last time. You weren't a bother I'm so fucking sorry I made you feel that way. I will never ever ever forgive myself. I was such a fucking brat even when she called me I acted annoyed sjshiauajahaioaiw.

But I could sense. Even then I could sense she wanted to redeem herself. I knew she could feel she was gonna pass and I felt it too. I felt her words kinder and it was so unusual. I felt she finally expressed her love and yet, I couldn't react well. I was a fucking idiot. Even for one last time I should have put my fucking ego aside and should have said I love you. But it was strange, it felt like if I were to do that, I would accept she was going to pass. I was emotionally really shut off, I did not cry once. But deep down, I knew I did not fucking want to let her go. It's selfish of me to say but fucks sake. Everything was terrible, but since she passed, everything got worse.

On that day she died, I did not cry. I remember my dad coming home, bawling his eyes out. Jesus christ. I just hugged him for around half an hour feeling every tear fall down his cheek and. I never want to see him like that again, ever. He was so heartbroken, I felt like looking at a lost little boy. I felt terribly sorry for him oh my god. A lover of 30 years just suddenly gone, that must have been terrible to endure. But still, I couldn't cry. I felt like there was something really wrong with me and even my family thought I was strange. It was like it didn't phase me at all. At around 4am I went to bed and went to school the next day. What a fucking idiot jesus.

And for 4 years, I kept going to school the next day.

Since she passed, I think each day felt even blurrier than before. Eat, sleep, repeat. I could not grieve properly, I could not express how I was feeling. I always struggled to open up to others, I always bottled up everything, until it all exploded ahaha. I think it took me 2 years to first cry about her death. But even then, I wasn't sure what I was feeling. There was regret, sadness, anger, love. They all came out in the form of tears. But it wasn't satisfying, it felt like there was still something heavy weighing down my whole being that I just didn't know how to get rid of.

Well fast forward a lot, until the day I met BT.

Well I did have good moments, bad moments in these 4 years. But I had a ton of emptiness. A lingering sadness that had no root cause, that consumed my every waking moment and made me into a shell of a human being ahaha.

Then sometime last year, I discovered Buck Tick. Honestly, when I heard Atsushi's voice, It was love at first listen ahaha. I did not know what it was, but I felt a presence. I am not spiritual at all. But I felt a really strong presence of someone or something watching me when I listened to their music. It sent shivers down my spine and made me a bit scared ahaha. But it made me all the more intrigued to see what this band was about.

The first live performance of theirs I saw was the Climax Together - Jupiter live. That moment is etched into my brain. When a random school night I went on youtube with an innocent curiousity, wanting to get to know this band, that I didn't know would later change my whole life.

When I saw the performace, the first few seconds, I started bawling my eyes out. It's like something posessed me. When I looked at Acchan, I felt a familiarity, like my mother was looking at me. That feeling, that, is undescribable. It's like I could feel him standing next to me, the presence was so strong. When I looked at the lyrics of jupiter, I immediately knew it was about his mother, and that time, I did not know his mom also passed away. But that song, that night, changed my life. I think the pent up grief left my body that day ahahha. There was an understanding coming from Atsushi's voice, presence, that no other human has ever made me feel. I felt like I was finally seen.

After that, I read more about buck tick, listened to more songs. Grief began to hit me. I started feeling like everything that happened 4 years ago got cut open and decided to belatedly tear me apart ahaha. How does one explain to others that "sorry, I can't go to work, because the grief I've repressed 4 years ago is hitting me now and I'm unable to function.,, ahah.

Thanks to BT's music, I learned how to feel. I learned that it's okay for me to cry too. That I don't have to be the one to bear everyone's stress. I don't have to be the strong one.

And honestly, I don't want to be the strong one.

I want to cry because I miss my mom!!! I want to tell everyone that I miss my mom!!!! even 4 years later!!!! I want express my love for her that I couldn't in her last moments!!!

And it's all thanks to BT. Their lyrics, their music, their lives. That made me believe it was okay to cry. That even Acchan, then a 20 year old man, can write music about missing his dear mom. And even at 50 he still can!! Then so can I.

Honestly, I strongly, strongly believe BT are my guardian angels. I think Acchan made me feel like I still have a mother. He filled in that role of a parental figure I was yearning for. When I miss my mom, I miss Acchan, when I miss Acchan, I miss my mom. They are one and the same to me. Now, the grief is shared. Since he passed, there are 2 fundamental pieces missing from my heart. But now, I am happy. It is bearable, because I'm able to cry. I can cry and I can love. I can write a 10 page essay about both of them, and why I love them. And because of that, I'll manage. Had I not discovered BT, I would still be stuck in a numb state of mind. But now, I'm sad. And for the first time, I have also felt happiness.

During the recent streams, I felt something really intense. A really intense gratitude. I never cry in front of my family, but that day, I cried to my sister that I am really greatful to have met BT, and that I miss my dear Acchan and mom deeply. Well, I think one could find me weird for this, but she understood me and said she was glad that I met someone like them ahahaha.

I met the people in my life that made me want to live, that made me want to love. That made me want. Anything at all. That made me want to continue, even with an aching heart. Because even an aching heart is a sign that it is alive, that it's beating.

Honestly now, today is a great day. Because I'm able to both remember my mom and Atsushi, with deep love.

Honestly, it's ironic, because when my mom was alive, she always wanted to be in a band, to sing, and to make music. Life was just unfair to her. So since Acchan's passing, and since I started feeling my mom's lingering presence again, I've been learning how to make music. I've been learning how to sing and play the guitar. It's a tough thing, but it's what's keeping me alive right now ahahah.I think Atsushi and my mom will both be kept alive as long as I do music. I do not know how and what this will end up like, but one things for sure, I am passionate. I am passionate to keep the legacy of my mom and Atsushi alive. If I can do that through music, I want to do it. Even as a hobby, but I want to sing for both of them.

One thing I regret is not being able to show BT to her ahaha. Well, by now I'm sure she has heard Atsushi sing ahaah. But nevertheless, I'm sure she would have loved BT. She loved music like their stuff. 🤍

So yes today, there are 2 birthdays and 2 people I remember. But it's a great day,because I remember. 🤍🤍

There’s one more thing I want to mention. So I went to her grave with my dad and sister today. We bought flowers, I bought a rose and some flamboyant flowers, that Acchan likes so much. My dad mentioned how he is feeling like mom is signalling him that it's okay for him to be happy!! That he doesn't have to be consumed by grief, and he can start to live again. He said "mom is angry at me and keeps telling me to leave her some space hahah". And honesty ah. Well I'm just beginning to grieve, but to see my dad slowly gain his spark back is great. Our relationship is pretty distanced since everything that happened, but I still wish him the best.

Well for now, I need Acchan and mom ahaa. I'm sorry I can't let you go yet, I need you.But I hope when I'm able to stand on my own legs without help, and you can sense I'm doing fine alone too, you will both signal me to leave you some space ahahha.

I love both of you, forever. I will write poetry for you and buy flowers. My heart will be filled with warmth when I think of you both. Thanks to you, I was born. And hopefully, I continue to live, with passion and love 🤍🤍🤍

Dear dear Acchan and mommy, I miss you so so much and I'm so happy to have known you both, you will be kept alive by me, as long as you wish to be 🤍🤍🤍

🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍

The night I met you

Was the night I was born

We're rapt in dreaming space

In the Milky Way

[bambisgarden]

FINALLY. I'VE FINALLY HAD TIME TO READ THIS. Okay, let's get started...

I've always been told "once a cheater, always a cheater," (as i'm sure others have been told too) but reading this has shown me the troubles both parties go through when cheating occurs. I know there's a possibility for the cheater to feel guilty, but I'm always automatically on the cheatee's side, so it's hard to really take in the cheater's feelings. Though, I'm pessimistic and always think of the negatives... Like would the cheater be genuinely sorry, like the reader was, or would they put on a good front for a while then go back to their own ways... That wasn't the case here, so I'll just shut up. I'm rambling LOL.

Anyway, the whole point of this paragraph is to say this fic was great at capturing the aftermath for both sides of the relationship.

I could feel the guilt the reader felt, and I could feel the cognitive dissonance Mingyu felt. It was really nice to read something that helped me expand my viewpoint and gain more insight on a tough subject.

Also, yes, yes I did cry while reading this.

Some of my fave parts below:

“Well, you should. I’m glad you had the decency not to defile our bed,” Mingyu spat…

did you hear my heart shatter? BECAUSE IT DID

“Not the one you need to apologise to,” Seungcheol bit back, and Mingyu knew he had to say something now. God knows you apologised enough times.

THIS HURT ME bc i just recalled the countless times reader apologized behind closed doors DDD:

You often forgot they weren’t your clothes; you were so used to wearing them.

SOBBING. AGAIN.

"You know, all of the restraining, the formalities. I get why you’ve held back, but it’s been two months... You’ve imposed all these restrictions on yourself, none of which I asked you to do."

damn. something abt knowing she made those rules herself and not him really clutches my heart LOL.

“In some sick way, I appreciate it because I know you regret what you did. It’d be worse if you acted so normal. If you showed no remorse, then I’d be like fuck. I’m on my way, I guess.” Mingyu confessed, wiping your tears.

i felt this with my soul 😮‍💨 and so true, mingyu. so true. i agree.

He almost hated that he felt terrible for you, especially since you brought this upon yourself.

He knew you deserved their anger and resentment, but it didn’t mean that it made it easier for him to hear it. Mingyu hated watching you sink with every insult or backhanded comment that was thrown your way.

OH THE PAIN *falls to the floor* I love these paragraphs, because it truly shows that dissonance inside him. And although I can't relate, I can put myself in his shoes and know I'll feel the same way.

“Oh and also, no more apologising. I’m not trying to rewrite history, but if you keep apologising, I won’t ever get past it."

MINGYU BIG BRAIN.

Also, I'm glad they broke up, because it helped Mingyu realize what he really wanted and if this was worth fighting for. I felt the pain every time they had sex because I just knew if I was in Mingyu's situation, I would be thinking the same thoughts. Those aren't images that can easily be erased.

Overall, thank you for writing such a realistic fic; it was refreshing to read. ♥️

Drift Away | k.m.g

Summary: You made the biggest mistake of your life, and now, Mingyu is trying his hardest to forget and forgive you, but how long till your infidelity rips you both apart? Besides, it’s not like you’d blame him. You hurt him. You did the one thing you promised never to do.

☆ 18+ minors dni |☀︎fluff | ☁︎ angst | ♕ smut |  ♥ completed works

Word Count: 9321 words

Pairings: Kim Mingyu x Female Reader

Genre/Trope(s)/AUs: Fluff, Smut & Angst, Idol! AU, but like it’s not that important. It just sets the tone, I guess? Like why he stays in a dorm, etc.

Content Warnings: Cheating AU! slut shaming, blaming, crying, fighting. Soonyoung is kind of a dick, but it’s truly very warranted. Chan makes lame jokes, and it’s adorable. Cheol is the best human ever. Insecurities about wealth and fame gap between the reader and Gyu. Mingyu is honestly the bestest boy ever, and the reader makes a terrible choice, but let’s see.

Smut Warnings: Unprotected sex, oral (f receiving), fingering, pussy slapping (like once). Is Mingyu growling a warning? Creampie. I think that’s it.

Authors Note: This fic involves infidelity, I don’t condone it, but I’m aware it’s different for everyone, just know that this is a work of fiction, and you should never feel like you should accept anything, but the best for you 🥺 High key broke my own heart writing this.

Authors Note 2: Thank you so much to @spacequokka​ for beta'ing this angsty mess for me. I love you dearly for this! 💕 also, thank you so much to my fellow emotional mess baby @the-boy-meets-evil​ for helping me edit. Finally, a big thank you to my lovely SVTHub friends for reading this over thank you lovelies, @multi-kpop-fanfics​, @bitchlessdino​ and thank you @onlymingyus​ for the title 💕

Authors Note 3: Also if you’ve seen this fic before, it’s because it was something I’d published once for a different group, but I wanted to revisit and rework it 🩷

Cross Posted to AO3

© playmetheclassics 2023. All rights reserved.

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[itsnotyouitslyme]

The Travel

BLUF: Rotating ankles each way 15 times every 30 minutes and then doing feet raises and curls 15 times helps with swelling. Cruise control is a game changer. To visit my family involves a 400 mile drive, I drive because I have a ridiculous dog named Chloe who I bring everywhere with me.

We have arrived safe and sound ahead of the winter storm and the deep freeze.

Enough about the ending, let's talk about the preparation that goes into traveling when chronically ill.

Since this was Christmas it added a few more steps like shopping, wrapping, and extra packing of my car. I started buying gifts after Thanksgiving and this year I opted for gift bags instead of wrapping. It was a lot easier and I didn't have to sit on the floor in weird positions, getting up and down. (I did this fine last year mind you.) I would gift bag gifts in 10-15 minute increments and then have to sit down to rest. Last year, I made personalized resin ornaments and a friend's kid hung it up on the tree this year with a smile on his face. To which I said to my friend "eff you and your kids" and then I got to making some resin ornaments last minute this year. I hadn't touched resin since around April because my hands hurt from holding anything too long but because her kid enjoyed it so much (and let's be honest I LOVE creating and giving personalized gifts) it inspired me to try this year. I was able to complete about 16 of them, not too elaborate but a step up from last year I think (I skilled up :)). Sometimes you just need the proper motivation to overcome your fear (that I wouldn't be able to do the resin ornaments so why bother trying). I deeply adore her and her family and am thankful they inspired me to do my resin ornaments.

There's also the preparation for packing up my house for me and my dog. I like to come back to a clean house after traveling. Since I've gotten sick, my definition of "clean" has changed drastically. Prior to getting sick, I was cleaning my whole town home and changing my sheets once a week. Now, I clean parts of my home weekly and rotate them with the following week. I change my bed every 2 weeks or so (It's a king bed and takes about 30-40 minutes for me...that's A LOT of time to be standing and moving around so I dread doing it). I have cut down changing my duvet cover every time since I use a top sheet.

PSA: If you don't use a top sheet you are doing the devil's work.

(I'm not religious please take that as the joke it's intended as)

ANYWAY

So this entire preparation phase has been happening since like December 3rd? Some days I couldn't do anything and others I was able to do a bit more. Once you become chronically ill spontaneity really leaves your life. You have to carefully plan every aspect of your life and then prioritize when you have less energy or more pain, like me not changing my duvet cover each time anymore. Sometimes, things just have to be scarified so that can cook yourself dinner that night or take a shower. There are only so many spoons you have each day and some days you start out with less than you thought you would.

The drive itself wasn't bad, I just left at a different time than normal because of the winter storm that was coming in. For the first time I was drowsy while driving, I have emergency energy drinks for such occasions (Yes, yes I know...no caffeine but desperate times). I was able to get past that point and started jamming out to music. At one point I did have my left foot up on my dash and it worked out well for the swelling LOL. Chloe slept most of the ride as usual. I did hit traffic in NJ and through NYC (I usually avoid most of this driving early in the morning or late at night.) The stop and go traffic was not good on my right foot and ankle, that's where the worst of my swelling happens.

I ended up making it safe and sound but the journey was definitely not as easy as it used to be. I'm hoping to find some decent compression leggings this week and that should help out with daily activities, plus the driving.

What did help was rotating my ankles each way about 15 times periodically (every 30 minutes or so) and then raise my feet up and curl them under 15 times. I think this helped with the swelling, I still had some when I got to my dad's but it wasn't too bad.

I only had 32 oz of water prior to and during the drive (I did have an energy drink as well) so that I wouldn't have make any additional stops and I believe that really didn't help. I'm back to 64 oz already today at 2pET so we are getting better. I'm off to have a little nappy with Chloe. I had a few revelations while on the drive and will be blogging more about those later.

[raspberrybluejeans]

given the birth of a second hyperfixation in this new era of mine i decided to try and think of all of the ones i’ve had before lol. long ass post under the cut

I don’t know the exact order of some of these things but roughly, and mostly categorized by what school I was in at the time because its easier to remember where I was spending my time thinking about these lol:

Robin Hood. (just elementary school I think) Just in general. Consumed anything I could find about him. Somehow believed I was his descendent 💀 I actually visited Sherwood forest and I can’t remember if this Started the madness or if I was already starting lol

Warriors (elementary and I think going into middle school a bit too) The king. the big one. It was my fucking lifestyle. Believed I was a cat in a human body. I had my dad preorder the books as they came out, they’d come in the mail and I’d read the whole thing in a day. I literally prayed to StarClan. I prosthelytized these books to anyone who would listen. I still proudly display the books in my room they are a part of my soul even if I barely remember particular events of them anymore lol

Fushigi Yugi (middle school I think) I don't know how tf I found this anime and I've never heard of anyone else talk about it before. I don't even remember what it was really about anymore. But I know I was making OCs and drawing fanart and had books of notes and little fanfiction things that I never shared with anyone lol. I vaguely remember that this show actually had a trans character, though its anime so of course it wasn't done particularly respectfully lmao. But I think its part of why it stuck with me so much at this time that my gender was starting to trans lmfao. (All i remember is the protagonist was going to get the ability to grant wishes at some point, and one character who was mostly seemingly male asked if she would use her wish to term him(?) into a woman)

His Dark Materials (middle school) I ate these books up and I liked The Golden Compass movie too, but definitely not as much as the books. I made myself a daemon and I am so sad to say I don't remember his name anymore. At the time I was still identifying as female so the daemon was a male lol. I think I had decided his settled form would be a Jaguarundi even though I was still a kid lmfao. I remember gently forcing my friends to make daemons for themselves too lol

Hetalia (middle school. pretty sure the hyperfixation was about done before starting high school) I don't know that I want to share much details about these dark times but I was so insane 💀

Star Trek (high school) I watched The Original Series when I was younger with my dad and I loved it but didnt particularly hyperfixate until high school, where I started also watching The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, and Voyager. Loved them all so much. Made OCs, fanart, etc. For some reason I never really got into shipping with Star Trek though. I've always said they feel like my family members so it feels wrong LOL. I do ship Spock and Kirk and stuff but it took me awhile to get into seeing actual ship fanart because it felt like seeing your parents kiss or something 😂 I remember I would draw little star trek things and look up lore and I'd talk about the different species and stuff to anyone who would listen lol

SuperWhoLock (high school) I sort of fixated on each of these more at random times, though I'm pretty sure that Doctor Who was the strongest interest of the three? I think I did cosplay stuff for all of them, fanart stuff for all of them. Read so much Sherlock fanfiction it makes me sick to think about now

Homestuck (high school) pain. OCs, fanart, cosplaying, everything. Parodies of real songs made to be about homestuck filled my song library. Madness

Marvel (high school and slowly tapered off into the medicated years lol) MCU, Xmen, comics, everything. I watched all the movies religiously and I had a subscription to the marvel comics app where you could read most of the comics or whatever. I LOVED The Young Avengers and I was sad that they never really made a movie or show for them, but I'm sorta glad they havent now. They would have fucked them up. I also loved the XMen First Class movie and was obsessed with Cherik. And I ate up all the MCU crap, I loved Thor and Jane. I just watched Thor: Love and Thunder which was my first MCU movie in quite awhile and the Thor and Jane stuff in it was kind of cathartic tbh

And then I was medicated 💀 The medication was good in some ways, but it seriously deadened all of my emotions. I just did not deeply care about anything or anyone and thought that was just part of maturing. The MCU movies getting worse and worse until they were unwatchable kind of crushed me and the urge to be interested in anything as well. The closest thing I had to big interests in this time was weirdly enough all games: Pokemon Go, Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp, and Minecraft. Not full obsession but they took up most of my free time. But I sort of realized that most of my zest for life died around the time I started taking the medication. And the main reason that I stopped taking it was that when I forgot to take it the detox symptoms or whatever were so violent and it literally would make me sick for days just from forgetting ONE day. So I decided to stop taking them (I weaned off them slowly) and have mostly not regretted that decision. Now I get the thrill of hyperfixations again, which feel even more exciting after being numb for so long lmao

Our Flag Means Death. Obsessed obsessed obsessed. I think I may have read more fanfiction for these ten bitch ass little episodes than anything else before. I made the sideblog to allow myself to go full balls to the wall without flooding my main lmfao. I loved being a part of this fandom as it was born and it has been so much fun. I joined a discord server for this show and I love talking to them. Even though the hyperfixation has faded I still adore this show and I am SO happy there's going to be a season 2, I can't wait, and I hope the hyperfixation sparks up again when it comes out. I can't wait to tear apart every little detail again.

The Magnus Archives. This shit hit me out of left field. I was sad from my OFMD era being burned out and I was tired of all of my music and I decided to listen to this just for something to do. This shit grabbed me by the gooch and swung me around the room. I listened completely blind I had no idea what was going to happen at all and I am just fucking losing my shit. That ending literally has me eating drywall. And since it ended like over a year ago pretty much everyone else is over it now and I have no one to talk to and I'm losing my mind. Help. Help.

Notable shoutouts for things I really loved/love but they never fully manifested into like. obsession (at least they haven’t yet lol)

Animal Ark (elementary) I just ate up these books I read so many but didnt quite have enough lore to obsess over lmao

Animorphs (elementary/middle) not sure why this didnt really manifest into obsession. i own all of the books though, and still display them lol

Several random animes I no longer remember. (middle) There was some period where I'd watch any anime/read any manga I could get my hands on and have a brief little moment with that lol

Merlin (high school) loved it but alas. no insanity

Teen Wolf (high school) even closer to hyperfixation but not quite

In The Flesh (high school) I think this one almost could have been considered a hyperfixation but I got into it like. basically right when it got cancelled and it just SHATTERED my heart I did not recover for years I still live in terror from that

Welcome To Nightvale (high school) So I was MAINLY obsessed with the fact that the protagonist was gay and less so with the actual plot lol. I did cosplay for this though, I was even Cecil for Halloween one year. I want to restart listening to this soon, to give it another chance, since I have a new appreciation for spooky shit. Once my TMA era has faded lmfao.

Ice Planet Barbarians Series (I think I was reading these right around the time I stopped taking meds lol) I started reading the first one as a joke because it has a funny name and funny cover but I actually loved it. I loved the world and the lore and everything. It frustrated me in the end though because a) each book got too formulaic. Every book was a brand new couple. Girl I want to hear more about the established couples and their families and shit. and b) because gay stuff was almost impossible given the way things worked in this series lol. Anyways close but no cigar. I read at least 20 of those fuckin books tho

Howl's Moving Castle book series (Post Medication Modern Era) I fucking adored these books, they were so easy to read and the world was so delightful and funny. I wish there was more. But there was not enough lore or community for me to hyperfixate

The Hobbit & Lord of the Rings books (PMME) Fucking incredible even if they were very hard to read. I'm almost certain I would have had a full LOTR era if OFMD had not hit me like a train. So maybe this will happen eventually but I think I've been enjoying it The Normal Amount for a longer amount of time instead lol. I did also have sort of a mini era back in high school or something over The Hobbit movies but now that I've read the books those leave sort of a bad taste in my mouth lol

Black Sails (PMME) I was still too obsessed with OFMD when I watched this lol. This show was so good and had I seen it before OFMD I might have gone super crazy for it. I still think it was such a good story though.

Theres a good chance that I'm forgetting some stuff here but oh well lmfao. If you actually read all of this I give you a kiss on the lips

[punkscowardschampions]

Bea & Fraze

A mess

Bea: Hey Bea: Soooo how'd you do end of term? You've finished now too, yeah? Fraze: I did well enough. No doubt you did too. Fraze: Yeah I'm done too Bea: 👏 Congrats! Yeah got a first on my big project, thank God, worked hard enough Bea: Off celebrating tonight then? What you up to? Fraze: Cheers. Nicely done, babe. Knew you would Fraze: 'Course. Whole group of us heading out on a crawl soon. What plans are worthy of a first then? I dread to think Bea: Thanks 🙂 Bea: That'll be fun, probably avoid the mongrel or go there first before the real carnage, ay? Bea: Well, trying to organise something worthwhile but everyone's being useless Bea: I'll make something happen on my own if not, I guess...What else is a girl to do, like? Fraze: No need to thank me, you put the work in as per. Fraze: It's first stop, gotta get all the free drinks flowing in my honor. Charity ain't gonna extend any further and I'm in my overdraft Fraze: If anyone can you'll figure it out, give your brain a final go before the blow out Bea: Not that my victory laps can extend as far as home Bea: Still so much to do, not sure if I'll fit in a flight back, like Bea: Ahh, tis what the overdraft was made for 😉 if it helps ease your pain, sure I'll be buying my own tonight as well 😒 hard old life init Fraze: Can't get the staff. Fraze: Yeah, I should've reckoned on coming your way though, yeah? Begging and borrowing'll be a real fucking mare Fraze: You can do a few days can't you? Work on the flight like Bea: Don't worry about it, there's no need it'll be School's out for Summer next time, so obviously I can be back then, at least for some of it Bea: Enjoy your freedom Bea: Even if it is on limited fundzzz, sure you won't let that stop you Fraze: Yeah Fraze: Goes without saying Fraze: don't put yourself out and I won't worry Bea: What, d'you wanna come and watch me work? You'll be so bored Bea: I'm doing you a favour, trust Fraze: Sounds like it Fraze: Cheers for that Bea: You're welcome Bea: I'd just be knackered, the train to London is bad enough Fraze: Fair enough. Always doing that though, aren't ya? Say hi to Joe for me next time, make it really worth while trip Bea: If I see him, I will Bea: I've not got any friends in Dublin Bea: Hardly think you or your friends want me gatecrashing your plans Bea: think what that'd do for your street cred 😂 Fraze: oh yeah a hot girl on my arm would proper tank it Bea: Would with the other hot girls Bea: Unless homewrecking is their game and I'm not feeling being a party to that Fraze: I don't play games with them so I could care less Fraze: You know I'd survive no need to use me as an excuse for not showing up Bea: How thoughtful of you Bea: Such a gent Bea: It isn't an excuse, though like I want to come back and see that Bea: Can take a look at my syllabus if you don't believe me, fucking hell Fraze: They know what they're getting, so do you Fraze: We've all got shit to do, Bea Fraze: I'm making time to have this convo right now, aren't I? Bea: Excuse me for pointing out I got a shittier deal Bea: Shut up and take it, yeah? I don't think so Bea: No one is making you, I was just making conversation or is that off the cards too now Bea: Okay, good to know Fraze: We made this deal together, don't act like I fucking forced you Fraze: You said yourself that Dublin is shitty for you so how exactly are you the martyr here, living it up in London? Fraze: Don't start, you know exactly what I was trying to say and it ain't that. Fraze: We're both busy, we both wanna pass, if you wanna see me then do Fraze: If you don't, just say it instead of wasting my time Bea: Well, its a good thing we're both getting an education now, isn't it? Bea: You act like I'm there all the time, I hardly ever go out, not like you; one rule for you another for me! Bea: Its not about want, is it Bea: and I've said I can't already so, take that as your answer if you're going to be so pig-headed about it, Fraze Fraze: If you're gonna be such an idiot then yeah, it is. Fraze: I'm not some useless pisshead, but cheers for the vote of confidence Fraze: I don't go out half as much as I want, so nah, it clearly ain't Fraze: Fine. I'll head out now then, yeah? since you're done with me Bea: Don't call me an idiot Bea: Or put words in my mouth Bea: OR put that on me Bea: obviously Uni isn't one long party but that isn't my fucking fault Bea: nor am I saying you shouldn't be going out Bea: Do what you want Fraze: Unless what I want doesn't suit you Fraze: Cheers for the permission to go out though, ma, nice one Bea: Fuck you Bea: Want me to give you a fucking pat on the back for however many sluts you can fuck in a night? Nah Bea: You've got your mates for that Bea: Don't paint me out as some crazy over-protective bitch Bea: I don't have to like it, and I certainly don't have to hear about it Bea: How would you like it? Fraze: Fuck you Fraze: you're pissed at me for wanting to see you, pissed at me for seeing other girls, I can't fucking win with you Fraze: I ain't painting you any way, that's all you. Your words from your mouth Fraze: And I wasn't offering you a peek into my little black book either Fraze: I've never held that over you so you can fuck off for suggesting it Bea: Don't tell me you didn't say things when I can see them right there with my own eyes Bea: You called me your Mum, its hardly complementary Bea: Yeah, best kept secret Bea: That's healthy, that's fun Bea: for fuck's sake Fraze: You see what you wanna see, babe Fraze: It wasn't meant to be. But cheers for calling my ma a crazy bitch like Fraze: You've gotta even more a judgey know it all since you started hanging with that cambs lot, very healthy and fun that Bea: And you believe your own bullshit Bea: I'm not buying Bea: The comparison shouldn't ever enter your head, how fucked up are you? Jesus Christ Bea: Well if I'm so fucking awful why don't you just do it then Fraze: Better than believing yours right now Fraze: How fucked up are you? I was joking 'cause you love telling me what I can and can't do. End of Bea: I haven't told you once what to do Bea: but sure Bea: its all my fault Bea: so do it, stop being a pussy and do it Fraze: stop telling me what to do Fraze: Jesus Christ Bea: You want to Bea: so why don't you? Fraze: You have no fucking clue what I want Fraze: I told you and you still don't Fraze: why don't you listen Bea: well, distance and time apart will do that Bea: why don't you find someone who's clued in? Bea: another one, like Fraze: Fuck's sake, Bea Bea: Don't Fraze: One rule for me, one for you Fraze: Stop it Bea: No Bea: Its too late Fraze: It's not Bea: It is Bea: you're not going to do it so I have to Bea: or its just stalemate and who wants that? Fraze: Bea, don't Bea: S'no big deal, happens to everyone, right? Bea: who makes it nowadays Fraze: Us. We do Fraze: Just stop Bea: Only because I'm letting you cheat on me Bea: we're letting each other, whatever Bea: it shouldn't have to be like this Bea: you'd feel less guilty Fraze: It doesn't have to be like anything Bea: but it is Bea: and i'm sick of it Bea: i need a break Bea: i'm crazy you're right Fraze: I didn't mean that Bea: Regardless Bea: the shoe fits Fraze: It fits me too then, so fucking what? Bea: The what is a why...Why are we doing this to each other? Fraze: You know why Bea: Its hard Bea: and it doesn't make it any easier Fraze: I know Fraze: What do you want me to do? Bea: Be here now Bea: but you aren't, and you can't Fraze: I'll get on a plane right fucking now, then a train as many as it takes Bea: you can't always do that Bea: and shouldn't have to Bea: thought you didn't want to be told what to do? Fraze: Fuck off Fraze: I love you Bea: Promise? Fraze: On my life Bea: Don't Fraze: I do Bea: But don't on your life Bea: I love you too much Fraze: I have to. It's true and you have to know that Fraze: You are my life, Bea. That's it Bea: Exactly Bea: I was meant to let you have a life, have the uni/teenage experience whatever Bea: then see where we stood and I can't even do that Bea: still holding you back from here Fraze: No Fraze: Bullshit. You've never done that. I'm only here studying in the first place 'cause of you Bea: That's not true, you got in on your own merit, don't do yourself down Fraze: Yeah it is and you know that too Bea: Well, you're still passing now and I've been less than helpful Bea: its a miracle I am Fraze: This ain't cambridge, babe Fraze: Or architecture Fraze: You're smart, stop being an idiot. You don't need a miracle you just need to keep working like you have been Fraze: I've not helped with that Fraze: If you seriously want a break from me, say the word, yeah? But don't make it something it ain't. For me or you Bea: Its still an achievement, Cambridge is not the be all end all people make it out to be Bea: degrees a degree and its just a piece of paper that helps us get to where we want, fingers crossed still, like Bea: you should be proud, I am Bea: but I've not been working as hard as I should Bea: Like you said, I'm always in London Bea: that's the real waste... Fraze: You can do this. If you haven't been working hard enough go from now Fraze: There's so much time left Bea: I know but Bea: No Bea: I know Bea: I have to get my shit sorted Fraze: You and me both, babe Fraze: in it together, yeah? Same as always Bea: Yeah Bea: just don't fall in love with any of them okay Fraze: Okay Fraze: I won't if you don't either Bea: Not going to happen Bea: I can assure you Fraze: Good Bea: You idiot Fraze: You love it Bea: Must do Fraze: Go out tonight though, yeah? You deserve to celebrate Bea: Ha, s'not going to be much of a celebration Bea: Isn't like I'm surrounded by friends here either lol Bea: I'm clearly just not made for it, like Fraze: I'll trade you this shower of cunts if you like Fraze: not the be all and end all either I promise you Bea: I know its true, not as if I don't have the opportunities, I just can't fake interest or maintain something that doesn't feel worthwhile Bea: So, not technically missing out Bea: Just...must be nice to be normal Fraze: I'll let you know how it feels if I ever get there Fraze: fuck knows why you'd wanna be normal, everyone in cambs wants to be you babe Bea: Come on, you're normal Bea: Mr. Average in every sense of the word 😉 Bea: too soon to joke? Fraze: come on, you can do better than that Bea: Yeah, true Bea: Currently cussing out Ronnie too, taking up all my bitchy energies, she's needy like that Fraze: Give her a fuck off from me Bea: Its been heavily implied, and returned, naturally 🙄 Bea: Needs must and I need drugs so Fraze: Not enough in all of London to make her bearable Fraze: Fuck that Bea: Not inclined to disagree rn Bea: That's Friday nights for ya Bea: what would it be without the drama Fraze: better Fraze: you've gotta ditch that lot they're doing you no favors Bea: They aren't THAT bad Bea: I can handle them Bea: and myself, for that matter Fraze: I know you can Fraze: Shame they can't handle themselves Bea: Aww babe, they won't appreciate your concern Bea: I think its cute though Fraze: Fuck off Fraze: I'm not concerned I'm ashamed to have 'em on my radar Bea: Well, its not like you've gotta be seen with them Bea: or will be any time soon Bea: much to Charlie's dismay Fraze: Thank Christ Fraze: Watch you don't get seen with 'em too much Bea: I'll do my best to lose the paps that follow me everywhere I go then Bea: I'm sure worse happens under the watchful eye of campus police, I'm golden Fraze: Valid point Bea: I know what I'm doing, babe Fraze: Keep it that way then, yeah? Bea: Don't tell me what to do Bea: Ha Fraze: Hilarious Fraze: Don't tell me not to give a shit it's too late for that Bea: You're dramatic Bea: What do you take me for? Bea: Insulting Fraze: You said yourself you've gotta sort your shit out Bea: Charming Bea: You didn't have to be so ready to agree Bea: I'm not doing anything wrong Bea: Anything you don't do yourself Fraze: I'm just looking out for you, babe Bea: I don't need you to Bea: Thanks very much Fraze: Tell me something I don't know Fraze: I'm not saying you do Bea: Then why persist Fraze: You know that answer too Bea: I know what you'd say but I don't think I agree with your reasoning Fraze: Do or don't, it is what it is Bea: No, it isn't when its MY life Bea: I'm not a fucking pet project for you Fraze: Of course you're not Fraze: What are you getting mad at me for? Bea: Because I'm not a little girl who needs saving Bea: Fuck! Bea: Because that's all I am to you Bea: STILL Fraze: You've never been that to me Fraze: Don't be stupid Bea: Bullshit Bea: Just keeping me around to fuel some kind of fucked up hero complex Fraze: You're the one chatting bullshit Fraze: For some who doesn't wanna be treated like a kid you're determined to act like one Bea: So clearly what you want Bea: Or you're just a prick talking down to me like I don't know life Bea: I know as much as you Bea: More Bea: Want to be clued in? Of course not, no one wants to hear that shit, not even my fucking 'hero' Fraze: Fuck's sake Fraze: You're a genius yeah? Happy now Bea: No Bea: Obviously not Fraze: Go get high then, that'll sort it Bea: Better than anything you've got to offer Fraze: Clearly Fraze: Don't let me keep you, off you fuck like Bea: Already am, don't flatter yourself that this was anything more than whiling away a train journey Fraze: Wouldn't dream of it, babe Bea: Sure we'll catch up next time I'm in town Bea: won't that be fun Fraze: Can't wait Bea: Toodles!