#it won't erase what they did in the past but they can improve as people

[beanghostprincess]

Sanji finds out that she has a trans little sister Reiju told her through mail. She really can't forgive them for how they treated her but her heart would be breaking if she knew because she knows that yonji is fucking miserable. She wants to help but she knows it's going to be a fight not only with the family but with the sister but she's willing to do it. Fuck it. She has nothing else to do.

Yonji of course would feel jealous and hates Sanji even more. Every time she looks at her bounty just sends her into a rage she hates her so much. She starts lashing out at her family especially her dad and Reiju the most. Her lipstick started going missing frequently along with nail polish. She finds it in yonji's room. (emptied and destroyed)

After a fight she finally confesses she's trans. Showing an overwhelming amount of vulnerability (she's an UGLY and violent cryer). Reiju comforts her the best she can, she is a little frightened by the aggressive hug. They're a lot closer after and Reiju is just supporting her the best she can, keeping her escape plan with sanji a secret.

anyway, I think the Vinsmoke kids are genetically modified physically, but I really feel like their cruel and apathetic nature is just environmental. They were praised when they were being tough and ruthless. Any kind or empathetic act was punished stunting their emotional development and understanding

Sanji can't forgive them for what they did but she's still the way she is and of course, she can't let a trans girl suffer the same way she did. It breaks her heart to think about Yonji like that, really. She tries to ignore it. To say "Well, she'll deal with it on her own the same way I did". But she can't. She's too good. She's constantly worried and it's pretty obvious because Luffy notices. But Sanji doesn't want to be a burden once again... Luffy practically forces her to admit she wants to go help Yonji, tbh. So Sanji ends up talking to Reiju to see what they can do. Tbh I think the rescue mission is a bit, uh, hard. Yonji refuses to accept help because it makes her feel weak, and she doesn't like the fact that it's Sanji of all people the one helping her. But anyway-- I think that after a very emotional argument and heart-to-heart, they end up understanding each other better. Yonji manages to escape that nightmare finally (yay only 2 brothers to save from their dad left) (Reiju is already saved, okay, she's staying for them mostly). Btw, I like to think Niji and Ichiji don't have any issues with Yonji being trans and they actually are more supportive with her than with Sanji (because they're supportive of her but, like, there are all of these feelings too of resentment so it's a bit complicated).

Yeah, I mean- I don't think you can actually modify a human to keep them from feeling. And if Judge actually did, there's no way these kids won't develop empathy of their own at some point. They're just,, So repressed and fucked up that it hurts to watch.

[lily-of-the-tardis]

*sigh* This article is actually not trying to ignore Doctor Who’s history so let’s take a look instead of screaming about a headline.

First of all the headline’s been changed on the actual website but it doesn’t seem that Twitter reflects that.

The lede has always been about how they’re talking specifically about the Doctor only as they are aware side characters have had same-sex kisses. I can’t verify for certain but I believe they added “explicitly romantic” to clarify things as this section always existed in the article:

They always meant to discuss what’s actually new here: a completely reciprocal same-sex romance for the Doctor onscreen. We can argue about whether Nine was interested in Jack, but I think we can agree there was far more interest displayed by the Doctor when it came to Rogue. But it’s perfectly fine that they wrote an article detailing what actually is a huge moment for the show and honestly that should be encouraged. I want to see more articles writing about queer parts of shows instead of ignoring them.

And yes, this whole thing is a side-effect of Disney but only because their licensing rights (they don't have any control over the show) have made Doctor Who far more accessible in the US. Plus, they're doing some pretty serious advertising to put the show on more people's radars, which is likely why anyone at Deadline Hollywood was even aware of Rogue and wrote this article. No one is pretending Disney has erased the show's past and is doing all these new "firsts".

The issue here is primarily that the headline is disingenuous. Their article has always been about the Doctor’s first explicitly romantic same-sex relationship, but they wanted clicks so they wrote the headline to be vaguer and imply something much more groundbreaking. Even saying “first romantic same-sex kiss” is a bit disingenuous, as it doesn’t clarify the kiss is referring to the title character. (Edit: I somehow missed that the updated headline actually does clarify they mean the Doctor by saying "time lord". This new headline very clearly previews what is discussed in the article and is no longer disingenuous.)

Thankfully they corrected the article after receiving feedback from the fans, which is great.

But they did their research, which y’all would’ve known if you bothered to look at the article (which isn’t actually behind a paywall! A rarity these days, though I can’t speak to access outside the US). If something seems informationally off to you, go to the source and actually look at what they're saying, then find the facts. We're not going to get anywhere if we just continue to yell about headlines without reading the actual article that, you know, expands upon the snapshot headline.

The topic of critique should be their poor headline, not the supposed lack of truth in their article. It's great to call them out for poor reporting, as they claim to be a news source and those should be factual, unbiased reporting as opposed to a tabloid. But the issue in their reporting here is simply their phrasing. Criticize them for misleading, not for an assumed lack of information that was actually acknowledged and present in the article. They need to improve but they won't until the real problem is highlighted for them.

[actualmermaid]

Today's queer saint of the day (originally posted to my ~spicy Christian memepage~) is Dr. James Barry: British Empire army surgeon, public health advocate, transgender man, and physical embodiment of "queer as in fuck you."

Dr. Barry's biography is available elsewhere, so I won't go into it too deeply here. If you want an entertaining look into his life and work, I recommend the Sawbones podcast episode #178. Instead, I'm going to use this post to situate Dr. Barry's life into the broad sweep of the Anglican tradition.

I've posted before about how the Anglican Church of the early 19th century was an insular and socially ineffective arm of the British aristocracy. Nevertheless, its rites and philosophies were an important part of public life, regardless of how individuals felt about God or the Church--especially for agents of the British Crown, which Dr. Barry was. Outright "atheism" was still rare.

In my research I was not able to find much about his personal religiosity, but Dr. Barry would have been familiar with the scriptures and the Book of Common Prayer. Besides this, he embodied the ideals of Enlightenment humanism, which remain inextricably intertwined with Anglicanism both in the past and continuing into the present.

Dr. Barry was ethnically Irish, and his family experienced anti-Irish and anti-Catholic discrimination. It was thanks to liberal-minded family friends that James was first able to become James, enter medical school, and become a commissioned officer in the British Army. Wherever he was posted, public health improved, because Dr. Barry was a tireless advocate for women, the poor, and enslaved people.

Dr. Barry was constantly getting into fights, and sometimes literal pistol duels, with people who challenged him. (This is a common theme in biographies of historical trans men.) He even got into a fight with Florence Nightingale, who is officially recognized as an Anglican saint for doing a lot of the same work that Dr. Barry did. Dr. Barry is also famous for being the first Westerner to perform a C-section in which the mother and child both survived. This was a procedure that had been successfully practiced in Africa for hundreds of years before colonization, and since Dr. Barry's procedure was performed in colonial South Africa, I don't think it's unlikely that he learned from African traditional medical practitioners as well as Western academic medicine. Coming from a colonized background himself, it may have been easier for him to respect colonized African people than it was for other British imperialists. He embodies what Anglicanism can be at its best: tolerant, curious, courageous, innovative, and orthopraxic. Even during the brutal height of the British Empire, these ideals shone through the darkness, and can be an example for us today.

Dr. Barry's story is also important in an age of resurgent British fascism, particularly the anti-trans sentiment that has earned it the nickname of "TERF Island." He was a trans man, not a "woman who disguised herself as a man in order to become a doctor." He lived as a man, wanted to die as a man, and is remembered as a man on his gravestone. To erase that reality is to erase trans people from the past, present, and future--which is exactly what fascists want. We must not allow that to happen.

[ga-yuu]

-----Part 1-----

Sueharu: "What have you done to me?"

Sueharu: "The past can never be changed. Even you, a pharmacist, can't erase these scars. And yet...."

Sueharu: "I wonder why, seeing your tears right now, feels like something is being forgiven?"

(....That's how you think of this?)

I feel so bittersweet, and my heart feels like it's about to expload with feelings for Sueharu.

I feel like it would be easier if I could just let it all out, but all I can do is turn it into tears that wet my cheeks.

(Just for now, please)

I closed my eyes, and only felt Sueharu-san's warmth for a while.

...........

That night...

Benkei: "Listen carefully! Shigehira. The trick to arm-wrestling is....you have to put your weight here...like..this!"

Shigehira: "Yes! Sensei! Teach me more!"

Yoichi: "...Hey, Young master? Are you drunk already?"

I attended the party with Shigehira-kun.

(Pretty much, everyone is drunk...)

In the name of 'deepening our friendship', everyone was told to wear their simple nightrobe.

The sake bottles were empty in no time.

Kurama: "We're out of sake already. Where did Sueharu run off to?"

Yoshino: "Come to think of it, I don't think I've seen him since he said he was going to refill our drinks earlier."

Yoichi: "That bastard. That's unforgivable. Come on Yoshitsune-sama, let's go find him."

Yoshitsune: "Mmmrmm....Combining my and Kurama's wind...mmrm.."

(Is he sleeping!?)

Yoshitsune: "......the hurricanes...will be three times bigger...."

Shigehira: "That sounds scary~"

Kurama: "Scared already? Bow before me then."

Shigehira: "No thanks...!"

Benkei: "Let's have a arm-wrestling match!"

Kurama: "Sure. Let's break every table here."

Yoshino: "Won't your bones break too. If you go that extreme....?"

Next to Shigehira-kun and Kurama who where glaring at each other,

Benkei was putting the plates aside so that they don't break.

(It's sight that can make anyone confuse...)

Yoshino: "I'm going to get some water."

Yoichi: "Oh, and if you meet Sueharu on the way. Smack him on the head, will you?"

I left the hall with a wry smile at Yoichi-san's words.

..........

(Haa.....I think I'm a little bit drunk too)

After going to get water, I went down to the beautiful garden.

Then-----

Sueharu: "Yoshino?"

Yoshino: "Sueharu-san!"

Sueharu-san was sitting on a large stone in the garden waving at me.

Yoshino: "What are you doing here? Everyone else was asking for you."

Sueharu: "I'm just here to sober up. What about you?"

Yoshino: "Same."

I nodded and sat next to Sueharu-san.

Yoshino: "But I'm surprised. Sueharu-san seems to have tolerance to alcohol."

(You probably have a lot of opportunities to drink at parties and you always seem to be in the centre of the circle of people at those times)

Sueharu: "Not really. Not to the extend that I get sleepy after a few drinks like Yoshitsune-sama, but..."

Sueharu: "Unfortunately I was not blessed with that constitution."

Sueharu: "Rather, I learned how to get other people drunk."

Yoshino: "That's more amazing than simply getting drunk....!"

(I'm not much of a drinker myself so, I honestly envy you that you have that skill)

Sueharu: "I'm a handy man, right? Are you impressed?"

Yoshino: "Yes. I'm very impressed...I respect you from the bottom of my heart."

Sueharu: *surprised*

I chose my words carefully so that dangerous thoughts doesn't overflow.

Yoshino: "Sueharu-san is a person who has come this far by improving herself."

Sueharu: ".....True."

Sueharu: "But is it okay to praise me too much...?"

-----Part 2-----

Sueharu: "But is it okay to praise me too much...?"

------Options------

of course not!

Don't be so hard on yourself.

You're so simple-minded.

--------

Yoshino: "You're surprisingly simple-minded."

Sueharu: "That's true. Men are like that in front of girls they like."

I hoped the gentle breeze would take the heat away from my cheeks.

(But tonight is the last time we'll play like this)

Sueharu: "By the way, have you thought about.....what Yoshitsune-sama said?"

It is as if something cold has been screwed into the cracks of my heart.

Yoshino: "....It's about whether I should reconsider participating in the upcoming war, right?"

Sueharu: "Even if you stop being the princess of the Shogunate, you can still break your bond with Tamamo, right?"

Sueharu: "I can always sell you information on demons that appear in various parts on Hinamoto."

Sueharu-san looks at me intently as he spoke.

Sueharu: "You'll only lose money if you join the war. Wouldn't you be better off if you just let me have you?"

(If I do that, I wouldn't have to fear death on the battlefield)

(But still)

I shook my head.

Yoshino: "I can't give up on my role...that I've been entrusted with..."

Yoshino: "The Shogunate even allowed me to come to Hiraizumi too."

Yoshino: "They believed in me and that's why sent me here. I cannot betray that trust."

Sueharu: "Even if it costs your life?"

Yoshino: "...This is the path that I chose myself."

Sueharu: *sighs* ".....Your life should have been peaceful, not like this. You idiot."

Sueharu-san's handsome crumbled.

Our gazes interwined and it was like time stopped.

Yoshino: "Sueharu..."

Sueharu: "........."

(Ah....)

Yoshino: "Mm.."

My lips were snatched and a painful heat overlaps.

However, our lips soon parted....

(Why)

The sweet aftertaste made me feel lonely.

Yoshino: "....What was that for?"

Sueharu: "......."

Sueharu: "I got into a bad habit of playing around. Forget it."

Yoshino: ".....Ngh."

(...I can't forget that)

My heart burns in frustration and pain.

My skin felt so hot that I could almost cry.

(I)

(I wonder why I denied my heart until now)

(...I'm in love with Sueharu-san)

The feelings I have been suppressing came rushing out.

But I'm never allowed to say it.

Sueharu: "Do you want to slap me now? It's okay. I'll accept anything from you happily."

Yoshino: "...Really?"

(I won't cry)

Yoshino: "Then please don't move."

Sueharu: "Mm."

I touched Sueharu-san's cheeks with both my hands.

And this time....I stole his lips.

Sueharu: "...Mm."

Our sighs melt into each other and for a moment, both of us lose our voice.

Sueharu: "Why?"

Yoshino: "After spending time with you, I got into bad habits as well.....I'm an evil woman, you know?"

The memory of the time when I had to infiltrated a court banquet as Sueharu-san's mistress suddenly flashed through my mind.

------FLASHBACK------

Sueharu: "What kind of person you become depends on how you feel."

Sueharu: "Only a handful of people know who they are from the start."

-----FLASHBACK ENDS-----

(I have been wondering what kind of person I want to be since I met Sueharu-san)

-----FLASHBACK------

Sueharu: "Did you know? Once you put this lip rouge, you'll be the evilest woman that can even roll a black merchant in the palm of your hands."

-----FLASHBACK ENDS-----

(If I can become what I really wish for)

(I want to be a strong opponent of Sueharu-san)

Not a sweet love affair, not an indifferent stranger....

I want you to have strong feelings for me, even if we become enemies.

Yoshino: "----I'll go back first."

Sueharu: "Yes."

Sueharu-san touches my hair half unconsciously.

As I stood up, the feeling of that hand, fades away.

..........

After Yoshino leaves...

Sueharu-san pressed the scar over his left eye with his hand.

Sueharu: ".....It's a lie. I'm the one who can't forget you."

-----Part 3-----

Sueharu: ".....It's a lie. I'm the one who can't forget you."

From the moment she kissed his scar in her room...

Yoshino's face is stuck behind his eyelids and won't disappear.

Sueharu: "I'm sure I'll remember your beautiful crying face many times later."

Sueharu: "You should also remember me. Am I stupid to think like that?"

Only the pale moon listened to the confession. A confession not fit for a black merchant.....

..........

-----The next day, before I left with Shigehira-kun, I informed Yoshitsune-sama of my decision.

I was impressed by the way Yoshitsune-sama replied to my decision in few words. He said, 'That's a pity' while keeping his eyes down.

Shigehira: "...Thank you for your hard work, Yoshino-san."

Yoshino: "You too Shigehira-kun. Thank you for coming with me."

In the oxcart, on the way home, I sat across from Shigehira-kun.

(Thanks to Shigehira-kun, who never lies to himself and is always straight forward, he was there for me...)

(That's why I felt like I could face the Rebels as myself)

Yoshino: "....I think it would have been much better if they were bad people from the start."

Shigehira: "So that you can fight them without any hesitation?"

Yoshino: "I guess."

I now know Sueharu-san's hidden scars, his kindness and his bond with all the Rebels.

SHigehira: "Still, you chose to fight with us."

Shigehira: "..You are very brave."

Yoshino: "You think? I feel like the moment I step on the battlefield, I would be shaking."

Shigehira: "What are you saying?"

Shigehira: "I'm telling you. If I see you shaking in the battlefield, I would die from laughter."

I was very happy to see that he was very concerned about me despite saying that in sharp tone.

(I haven't told him about Sueharu-san, but it feels like he can sense it...?)

Yoshino: "Thank you, Shigehira-kun."

Shigehira: ".......for what?'

I noticed Shigehira-kun's ears were faintly red as he pretended not to know.

(I'm blessed with such caring friends)

I was silently rocked on the oxcart for a while, feeling my heart warm.

........

Few days later.....

Yoshino: "We're back!"

When I got back, I got ready and went to greet Yoritomo-sama and others.

Yoritomo: "Good to see you're doing okay."

Kagetoki: "You went on many trips ever since you left this place. Nothing less from a person who gets easily into trouble."

Yoshino: "I have nothing to say about that...."

(It's been a long time since I saw them all. It feels nostalgic)

Tamamo: ".........."

At that time, when I tried to call out to Tamamo who was sitting next to me-----

Tamamo: "You have become beautiful, Yoshino."

Yoshino: "Hm?"

Tamamo walks towards me silently and stared at me with calm eyes.

Tamamo: "How outrageous that you have become beautiful without my knowledge."

Tamamo: "I wish I could have seen it with my own eyes the moment you turned from a small bud to a blooming flower..."

Yoshino: "Ummm...Tamamo-san?"

Kagetoki: "He has been sulking ever since you, his owner, left him alone."

Yoritomo: "Just give him a pat on the head."

Yoshino: "Isn't that a bit too much?"

Looking troubled I backed away....

Tamamo: "Is it love?"

Kagetoki: "Of course it is."

Yoritomo: "Congratulations."

(Ngh....)

Yoshino: "What are you talking about!?"

Tamamo: "Then explain this Yoshino..."

Tamamo: "Why is your face slightly flushed, you have a melancholy eyes and your lips are slightly coloured?.....in my eyes, you look like a woman who has completely fell in love."

(I don't understand what you're saying, but you're really sharp...!)

The three of them were smiling evilly at me as I flinched.

(Why is there no one to help me, right now!)

Kagetoki: "Kitsuji Sueharu."

-----Part 4-----

Kagetoki: "Kitsuji Sueharu."

Yoshino: ".....No!"

Kagetoki: "I only mentioned his name and now you're over reacting."

(....I can't hide anything from these people)

Yoritomo: "Yoshino."

I made up my mind and bowed deeply.

Yoshino: "...Please forgive me."

Yoshino: "I have no intention of fulfilling my wishes. I would never do anything that would cause trouble for the Shogunate."

Yoritomo: "....You dummy."

A low voice surprised me that came from above.

(Eh...)

Yoritomo: "We already knew about this when you came back."

Tamamo: "Love is not a sin, Yoshino. No matter who the other person is."

Kagetoki: "Still, you had to go and choose the most troublesome main in this whole world."

Kagetoki: "But I appreciate the fact that you weren't blinded by love."

Yoshino: "...You guys."

I opened my eyes and looked at the faces of the three people standing in front of me.

Yoritomo: "As long as you help us, the Kamakura Shogunate will respect you."

Yoritomo: "No matter what you think in your heart, you are a member of the Shogunate."

Yoshino: "....Thank you."

(I'm happy. As long as I have those words, I can be proud of my decision)

My heart still hurts when I think about meeting Sueharu-san again on the battlefield, but...

(....I'm looking forward to be a person who is not ashamed of myself)

I smiled as I thought of him in the back of my head.

The day of the Great War approaches, leaving behind flowery feelings.

Soon afterwards, news was sent out that the Rebels forces, ready for war, were moving south.

At the Rebel camp...

Sueharu: "Benkeiii. The new recruits I have gathered will join you guys tomorrow. So please look after them."

Sueharu stops to talk with Benkei.

Benkei: "Oh, Thanks and sorry. We have been counting on you for military strength."

Sueharu: "Yeah yeah but I'm also getting what I want, so don't think too much about it."

Sueharu: "It was difficult to find human resources like the Rebel soliders....so please go easy on them."

Benkei: "Compared to the Shogunate, we're not that extravagant. We need numbers to counter the Shogunate's war effort."

After saying that Benkei sudenly closed his mouth.

Benkei: "........"

Sueharu: "Benkei?"

Benkei: "We're very grateful to have you Sueharu."

Sueharu: "Of course. It is inevitable to rely on an excellent merchant. But what happened all of a sudden?"

Benkei then looks sharply at Sueharu.

Benkei: "Are you sure you're not gonna regret this?"

Sueharu: "...Regret what?"

Sueharu laughs.

Sueharu: "Rather than wasting my time regretting about something, I'd rather make more money. Don't you know about my personality----"

Benkei: "Yoshino."

Sueharu: "............"

Sueharu's eyes flickered slightly at the name.

Benkei: "Listen, Sueharu. You're one of us no matter what."

Benkei: "You can choose what you want and who you want to be with, but that won't change our feelings about you."

Sueharu: "Hahaha. Nice confession of love Benkei."

Benkei: "Stop making fun of me."

Sueharu: "...Benkei is not nice to me only because he won't allow this kind of deception."

Bitterness seeps into Sueharu's eyes.

Without looking away, Benkei opened his mouth.

Benkei: "Sueharu. You must be true to your heart."

----Part 5----

Benkei: "Sueharu. You must be true to your heart."

Sueharu: "It doesn't matter now."

Benkei: "......"

Sueharu stands up and look down at Benkei.

A shadow falls over his face.

Sueharu: "No matter what I try, that girl and me are not compatible."

Sueharu: "Even though I have money to buy almost anything, I can't buy love and happiness."

Sueharu whose back was turned, laughed.

Sueharu: "The Shogunate's army has already moved northwards, and soon the battlefield will be halfway between the two countries."

Sueharu: "At the very least, let me make a fortune from your flashy battles, Benkei."

Benkei murmured lightly as he watched Sueharu's shadow walk away.

Benkei: "....Idiot."

..........

The flames of war that flared up as the two armies clashed quickly spread and plunged the battlefield into chaos.

Yoshino: "Please bring the injured who can't move on their own over here!"

Shogunate soldiers: ".....Yes. Thank you..."

I was still in the rear at the order of Yoritomo-sama...

Now that it was a mixed bag, it was never safe to be anywhere else.

(I also prepared medicines and discussed many times with Kagetoki-san about the nursing system for wounded soldiers)

(I practised using different powers with Tamamo, and I also trained to ride fast on a horse)

Remembering my past efforts, one by one, and doing what is needed to keep my mind at ease.

Kagetoki: "Yoshino! Soon we will be invaded by the enemy."

(Kagetoki-san!)

Kagetoki-san, rushing towards me on the horseback seemed like a knife piercing through the air.

Kagetoki: "Move with the wounded as arranged. A detachment team will lead the way."

Yoshino: "Yes! Thank you very much!"

At Kagetoki-san's signal, the soldiers immediately started moving.

Kagetoki: "You will then join the main force with Tamamo and Yoritomo-sama."

Kagetoki: "Morinaga and Shigehira will break the front line, and when Yoshitsune-sama comes out, we will have to ask you to use the power of the nine-tail fox."

Yoshino: "...Got it."

Kagetoki: "Keep calm."

Kagetoki: "Kitsuji Sueharu is also in this battlefield."

Yoshino: ".....!"

Holding my hand, Kagetoki-san looks into my eyes.

Kagetoki: "Be careful."

Kagetoki-san's words were filled with kindness even though it was a whisper.

(I must have gotten to know Kagetoki-san well enough to sense that)

.............

But as if to mock that advice----

A battlefield trap from which there was no escape loomed every second.

(I know it's been a long time but....I wonder if the other soldiers are safe)

As the sky turned vermilion, I hid myself in the mountains gasping for breath.

During the movement, the soldiers were heavily ambushed and were forced to leave me here to fight back.

I was quietly observing the surroundings....

Enemy soldier 1: "They said there is a woman around here...."

Enemy soldier 2: "If that's the information the black merchant sold to you, it must be true."

(The Rebel soldiers!? They know where I am....?)

I shuddered at the sound of approaching footsteps and voices.

(....Calm down. We have to get out of here anyway)

Carefully, so as not to be noticed, I muffled my voice then dropped back into the darkness behind the trees.

I ran as fast as I could until I no longer see my opponent.

..............

Yoshino: "Haa....Haa....."

How long have I been running? My breathing was ragged and my legs were trembling.

Stopping to check the position of the moon...

(....!? Footsteps...?)

A figure stood in the darkness blocking my path.

Sueharu: "....It's a beautiful night with a beautiful moon. I can see the escaping rabbits quite clearly."

Everything I Can Do For You - Normal Story

[blackhakumen]

Mini Fanfic #1171: The Diary of Beartrap (Epithet Erased)

Dear Diary,

It's been a while, hasn't it?~ I'm sorry it took too long for me to write to you. Quite a lot has happened to me as of late: Some hectic, some exciting, a few rough patches and there, but I promise you there's a lot good after that. In fact, my life has gotten a lot better since it ever been, but I'm getting way ahead of myself already, so let's get started , shall we?

To get the bad and obvious out of the way, my relationship with my family hasn't improved at all unfortunately. Lorelai's still as lazy and self-centered ever while always constantly butting heads with me every chabce she gets, dad-no, Martin, is too investing in his own little world to even care about anything anymore, and I always had to spend the last few years of my life, watching over the toy store and keep it up float while cleaning up THEIR messes on a daily basis! And yeah, I HATE every second of it and EVERYDAY!!

.....But it couldn't be helped. The day mother left has been really rough for all of us since then, so it's not too hard to understand why our relationship became so....distant, hollow, dysfunctional and so.....messy. I should've realized sooner that things would turn out the way it did and be more prepared, but even then, I doubt it would've been any less stressful and draining than it was now and after everything Lorei put me and my friends through in her fantasy world of hers that night, I decided enough was enough and leave everything behind me: the toy store, the people I used to call my family, and.....my previous life up to this point..........

And I'm happy I made that choice, because like I said, my life really turned around for a whole lot better since then. I'm doing a lot better in school, I get to spend more time with my friends stressed-free, I even did a few other things I've never thought i would ever get to do in whole life: like being a part of school plays, attend football amd basketball games, and making these suuuuuper yummy cinnamon apple raisins waffle in cute cub head shapes~

To tell you truth, I don't think any of this would be even remotely be possible if it weren't for the two people who are working their butts off into looking after me as of late: Crusher, the biggest teddy bear of a sweetheart I have ever met (Which is pretty ironic considering he actually went as a teddy bear for Halloween last year. So freaking adorable!~ i should really remember to him again when he and the others come back), and my one and only boss: Giovanni Potage.

I honestly don't think I have the proper words to express how much he means to me or even how thankful I truly am for everything heaven done for me so far. He taught me how to be more confident in myself and become more assertive, he goes out of his way and beyond to try to help me with stuff in general, and he even went out of his way to take me our of my miserable home life and does his very best to look after me to this very. He sees a lot more value and importance in me than I even realized I have any myself. He did all of this is.....because he cares about me. Because he loves me. And......I love him too. So much that.....I wanna do whatever I can to help him out: with our new villain group, any of his newer evil schemes, and everything else in general. It's the least I can do for everything he have done for me thus far.

To this day, I still don't think I have a clue as to what the future will have in store for me or what to expect going forward, but I won't let it scare me off that easily. I won't let my past life take a hold of me any longer. I am going to live rest of my life to the fullest by my own accord and with the people I truly love and cherish. And if anyone has a problem with that, they can go screw themselves right off to the blazing sun, cause I'm not stopping one bit!

Giovanni: (In the Other Room) Ohh Beeartraaaaap!~ Dinner's finally ready!~

Crusher: And we finally return with SNACKS!

Spike: Annnnd a good amount of decent quality movies we can all watch!~ None of which were chosen by Ben thank God!

Ben: Dude, seriously!?

Car Crash: Hey, we're not the ones who brought tickets to that knock off Ice Age movie that one time, didn't we?

Ben: ('Let's Out a Frustrated Scream')

Molly: (Giggles Softly) Coming! (Finishes Up Writing on her Diary)

Okay, as much as I would love to stay and wrote, I gotta go now. We're having lasagna and a whole movie night tonight. They said they'll be a lot a movie to watch through this time around, so fingers crossed for at least a few of them to be decent. But until then, I'll try and write to you more often. It is one of my many New Years Resolutions after all, might as well make the most out of them.

Love,

Molly Blyndeff A.K.A. Beartrap

@aprilbrowines

[kyogre-blue]

SS continues. It's kind of bad!

Done with the bridge, Gronder is skipped, and done with Merceus also, so all that's left is two maps of Edelgard, Shambhala and I guess evil Rhea or whatever.

I have to say that I did not initially appreciate just HOW MUCH of the post-skip is copy-pasted. I also checked the chapter list for AM, and it's pretty much entirely the same. We take the same freaking bridge in Alliance territory for some god-forsaken reason, apparently? Even though an Arianrhod map exists? That's going to be interesting in like six months when I get to it.

But while Claude making us do VW by proxy was kind of funny in a stupid way, Gronder is a disaster. I am in genuine awe of how poorly handled that was.

So Gronder takes place off screen. We don't go there AND, get this, the entire month when it would take place is just erased from the calendar. There's no April! They did not even pretend to be putting in some effort here. They just excised the entire month along with the map.

And just thinking about Gronder gives me a headache. What was Claude even doing there? Leicester is specifically a hot mess, and I can't see us killing Lorenz at the bridge improving the situation much. And yet Claude goes off to Gronder and uuuh "disappears." At this point, I'm going to assume that he sent Judith's troops and dumped all that on us because he had already decided to peace out and he went to Gronder purely for the purposes of faking his death. That makes about as much sense as anything else.

Dimitri ghost is also funny. My dude, I still don't know anything about you... please go haunt someone who cares.

Anyway, liveblogging notes:

Catherine says that Alliance nobles are weird but in a good way. You won't find "such big-hearted nobles" elsewhere. This is in reference to Judith (and Claude by extension) helping us.

Shamir considers Judith's spy network to be impressive, given that she had people able to spot Rhea being taken away by the Imperial Army in the chaos of the invasion five years ago.

It's mentioned that aside from Count Gloucester being supposedly devout (doubt), the commoners also support the Knights of Seiros. (Update: this is very funny given that he sends his son to die on our swords for uuuh no particular reason.)

Lord Gwendal's daughter fell in love with Sylvain once lol (Update: Ingrid's version of this is that, at fifteen, Sylvain sought "relentlessly" to involve himself with her.)

The two territories on either side of the Great Bridge of Myrddin are Acheron to the north (the one in Lorenz's paralogue) and Bergliez to the south. That's Caspar's dad, and he's been getting on swimmingly in Edelgard's new regime.

The dark merchant looks like one of the Agarthan mages lol, but the quest to get them to appear gives you a Morfis battalion, so I suppose that's where they're actually from?

Seteth says alcohol has little effect on him.

It's specified that Rhea had disabled the Phantoms and Altered Golems in the Holy Tomb in order to allow the ceremony (of throne-sitting) to take place. It seems that she also didn't create those defenses but rather they came pre-built with the Tomb...? Or maybe Seteth means Seiros (not "Rhea") created them back in the day, who can even tell.

Alois is pretty nice to use. Shamir is consistently useful. Seteth is fine. Hanneman is annoying as hell and had gotten killed way too many times. And Manuela not having physic is a bad joke.

The great bridge is a bit of hilarious mess. We get ambushed by warp reinforcements from Acheron, then Lorenz and his goons show up too. Bye, Lorenz. It's your own fault for dying.

Seteth comments on how some imperial troops were willing to lay down their lives to hold the bridge (Edelgard's crazy fangirl Ladislava), but eh.

Suddenly, Gilbert. He's still alive? He says he's serving Dimitri, who was hiding in Fraldarius territory. We didn't find this out until Gronder in VW. This time, the Kingdom rebels reach out in order to ally with the Church. I wanted to ally, but Seteth wouldn't let me. :(((( Seteth, let me live!!! Enough already! Anyway, instead, we just let them use our new bridge. Which all has some funny implications, since apparently Claude is too shady to ally with but also how did Dimitri's super mysterious force get to Gronder in VW?

Anyway, I guess that's why we don't go to Gronder. But I'm uuuuh confused about why Claude was even there, per the off-screen recap? He didn't ask to use our bridge, so how did he even get to Gronder? And WHY? The Alliance was still massively divided last we checked with them. Sure, we killed Lorenz, but I can't see that making things any less chaotic. Judith gave her forces to us, and even between the church and the alliance, it was always emphasized in VW how outnumbered we were. Why would Claude even go to Gronder? How did he get there......... And now he's uh missing (sus man).

Seriously, did he send us those troops because he decided he wanted to dump the war on us and secretly peace out? Or??

Anyway, Dimitri fucked up Edelgard but also got killed. Bye, we hardly knew ya. We still have a vision of his... ghost?? OK, sure.

Take your pick which is funnier, this or Hilda just kinda seeing him die off screen somewhere, after we beat his ass.

Location card for the ghost scene is "outer city" iirc.

April is just GONE. It doesn't exist! Like, we just don't even get a calendar for it?? What the actual fuck?!

Felix switches between thinking Dimitri was dead all along and thinking he was "alive all this time." Whatever.

Alois says we disguised ourselves as enemy soldiers to sneak in..... Where?? When did this happen? We didn't sneak onto the bridge, and if this is about the strategy for Merceus, we haven't discussed it yet.

Yeah, this is apparently a plan that we just haven't been shown yet, because Shamir says we gave the order to dress all our troops in Imperial armor. News to me!

Update: We can even ask "Disguises?" when we're already on the Merceus approach. Is Seteth claiming his strategy was an order from Byleth while handling everything behind the scenes? And then gaslights by saying it was your idea (that you forgot about)?

For a knight, we pick up Lavandula grass, an herb with tiny purple flowers. Its calming scent relieves stress. You make tea out of it.

Ashe mentions that Dedue is missing, and his death is not actually confirmed. But from what I've been told, his appearance in Enbarr was also cut from SS.

I just realized there's a huge globe in the library. I wonder if anyone's been able to get a good look at what's drawn on it. Seteth sure plays up how he totally does not recognize those ballistic missiles.

Come to think of it, how did Jeritza know that the missiles were coming?

Seteth spells out a plan we sure did not have before. I can't believe they have him both railroading you earlier and also playing up how you're totally such a cool and smart strategist...

[renticat]

WIPED OUT!

I am back and forth I think I am going crazy...

I don't wanna let you down, so promise you won't let me drown.

I don't wanna be alone

I don't wanna be in love, no I want to but it seems that people just have many interpretations of love anyway and mine is not considered as I am an ace. Okay another topic for another day.

This blog is so old. Trust me but I wiped out if for several times, and I almost did it again because I feel I change now and I should just erase all my history and start a new.

But I feel little sad as I don't know, there is some people reading it, even maybe they're just couldn't find me back then. Ugh, is so slow typing on this phone, not to mention the risk of losing it all, I mean sometimes my google just crash and then gone all my writing. Yeah I should just write it on note then copy paste it but back then tumblr is never neat either unless you're doing the writing on the website or app, but the app is huge for my old small phone. 😭

See, I try to make paragraph but the gap is like twice big like the gap of me and him now 😔. Fuck what am I talking about? It's my own fault and yeah I need to take shower instead of rambling about this craziness again.

𝙃𝙤𝙬 𝙘𝙖𝙣 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙛����𝙚𝙡 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙬𝙖𝙮 𝙄 𝙖�� 𝙛𝙚𝙚𝙡𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙞𝙛 𝙮𝙤𝙪'𝙧𝙚 𝙣𝙤𝙩 𝙞𝙣𝙨𝙞𝙙𝙚 𝙢𝙮 𝙝𝙚𝙖𝙙?

Yeah, you can't but I keep trying to make you understand and somehow it only made you feel sick about me and now I am sad.

Because I am afraid to lose you, while losing itself sometimes is inevitable. Oh yeah English is not my mother tongue so if this notes sounds stupid to you it probably is. I wish my English writing skill is improving so I can just rant as good as my Indonesian (even though in my Indonesian, I tend to jump from ideas to ideas because there's just too much on my mind; feels like I am exploding and yeah I need to chill) . Fuck I can't chill.—please babe take me away from here, yeah but I am stuck and brokie huhu.

As someone said one or two times talking bout your problem is okay but if you keep ruminating it without looking for the real solution, it'll only makes you go crazy. IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT? IS THIS WHO YOU ARE?

Nope, i don't even know who am I, but I know what I want. Yeah and the upper capital it's something new here because back then I have to type manually big letter for each sentence after period. Gosh, and yeah I sometimes not using commas properly because in Indonesian, if there's conjunction that comes after main clause it's actually not needed; well I tend to write in long manners also like I sm someone who born at 60s. Yeah I wish it will be much easier as text is killing me and I am bad texter.

Cause I know you wanna reach me, but I am a bad texter. No kidding this is the lyrics Bad Texter by Ryan Woods and I kinda dig in to this song too much back then in 2021 as I miss someone who doesn't even miss me back. Isn't that always the case of you Ren? yeah yeah. Like right now I am dying.

Dying for love, but knowing new person is another problem and again I feel bad for lying, saying that everything is OK, when I am NOT OK. I should've done that from the beginning. Fuck. Fuck me. Oh yeah is not that I am vulgar, is just is not my language, so I feel less bad. It's alien to me but not in my Javanese, i don't do that often so I AM SO SORRY. I need to tone down on swearing. LOVE. LOVE ME. HAHAJAA

Writing is fun, is like I can think of what I want to say not like speaking. Yeah I am shy at first but when you already know me, you'll gonna be the one who will embarrassed like how the hell I know this person? I don't know it's full of surprises, congratulations it means i trust you. If I don't speak that much to you, we're not that close (we are though in this blog of mine as I said sooo many freaking things).

Maybe it's because I am hiding for too long now I am going crazy. Well I can't also safely publicly stated my situation right now, right here but goddammit I am too naive and honest that I can't lie for goodness sake. I wish I learnt many things from people whom I talked in the internet, how they're so cunning and crafty with their words even though they never meant it. It's amazing, astonishing and breaking my heart at the same time.

Oh, I don't know I tried to make this blog neat but instead the archive page is fading in one words? The color? Yeah it's strange because I have another tumblr (which I don't open it anymore) but it looks okay. Yeah this one is my favorite because it's the first and back then this theme is available now I can't download it anymore— even though I am planning to just make a new one and save myself time to edit all my past nonsense but I am too old for this. Not tech savvy. 70 years old what do you expect? Hahaha

Old as hell. In this crazy world full of Instagram. I have it back then but then I am bored because I can't afford new outfit or going to cool places. Like people only post their highlight of life and not misery unless it's in form of art that I wish I could draw it out.

Sometimes is like what I am trying to say with all of this things but because in reality I have no spot to be heard as I am already wrong by default it hurts. And I know I don't own explanation to anyone but then I thought love is sharing about everything but then maybe i am mistaken their lust for love.

[abla-soso]

Hello, for starter very sorry for this weird ask. I am kinda new on mha fandom (also tumblr overall) and someone recently made a, in my opinion, very bizarre analysis about Hawks. Using my new second account I reblogged with my rebuttal, imo non-offensively (cmiiw), but my reblog won't show on the OP's notes. I started to think if I offend the OP and they have me blocked or my reblog were erased or something. So I wonder if you can tell me whether you can see my reblog or not, since I kinda don't want to bother my mutuals on main account. This is the rebuttal that I've made (https://www.tumblr.com/cooners/723249544535605248/youve-written-about-overhaul-in-the-past-any?source=share). Truly hope you don't mind to help me on this, because it's kinda disheartening to be blocked or my argument were erased without any proper feedback, but I still wanna know.

Btw I love your analysis about Hawks and I have fun marathoning on them rn. Hawks is a truly great character and has been my absolute fav on MHA ever since I saw him in the anime so kinda surprised that so many people misinterpret him.

Ah... I really liked what you wrote about Hawks, but even without checking the notes; I knew you were blocked just by looking at the OP's name.

How can I say this? Um... let's say you had the misfortune of approaching one of the most delusional and closed-minded villains stan on this site. Seriously, her takes - on Hawks especially - are SO batshit insane that they're kinda infamous. It's the kind of takes that makes you question the writer's sanity. Like did they hallucinate an entirely different manga and mistook it for Hori's manga? And I'm not even exaggerating or being petty here, it's honestly that insane.

I'm so sorry that this is one of your first experiences with the Tumblr side of Bnha's fandom. You can dramatically improve your experience by blocking the OP and her friends. You'd block out half of the fandom's most toxic and delusional stans this way. Best of luck <3

[practically-an-x-man]

Here's a few for the oc Ophelia

Paintbrush: How often does your character "brush over" conflict instead of facing it head on? Is there something specific they don't like to face, or do they avoid conflict as a whole?

Tortillon: does your OC "blend in" with the people around them? Physically? Metaphorically?Eraser: what's one way this character has changed over time? Either over the course of their story, or over the course of designing them as an author.

Eraser: what's one way this character has changed over time? Either over the course of their story, or over the course of designing them as an author.

Also bonus question, since I know a bit about spiderman: her last name is Octavius. Is this because she is doc ock, or is she related to doc ock?

ooh thank you so much!!!

(since you put the full question, I'll just add my answers instead of copy/pasting the full thing again)

Paintbrush: oh, she's no stranger to conflict. If she thinks something's going wrong, she won't hesitate to dive in and tackle it, whether it's a physical problem or an emotional one. This can make her seem brash and intense at times, but often keeps problems from festering and growing worse.

Tortillon: she's not the best at blending in, physically or metaphorically. Even outside of her "hero" persona, she's 5'11" and built like a powerlifter, so she doesn't really vanish into the crowd. And personality-wise, she's both incredibly smart and incredibly sharp - she's not afraid to speak her mind, and her wit sets her apart. She's had her conflicts with this, certainly some times when she'd rather fit in, but for the most part she embraces her distinctiveness.

Oh, and then there's the actuator tentacles. But it seems like you've guessed that already ;)

Eraser: Before I even starting writing her, her physical appearance made a few changes. I realized that in order to wield her actuators the way they were, she'd need to be strong enough to carry them, so I gave her a broader weightlifter's frame to accommodate that. I also gave her glasses, partially as a reference to Spiderverse's Doc Ock and partially because I just wanted a hero with glasses (since she doesn't have any innate powers, she has to deal with mundane "human" issues like nearsightedness).

As I started writing her, I realized she was coming off as very much autistic-coded (which is probably because of my own neurodivergencies tbh), so I leaned into that a little more and embraced that side of her character

Bonus Question: very good catch! She is indeed related to Doc Ock: she's Otto Octavius' daughter. After his death, she ended up designing actuator tentacles of her own, making improvements on his original design, and she took the name Argonaut (a type of octopus, plus the Greek myth). So she's not the Doc Ock, but she did carry on the legacy.

[thaimeiser]

I thought of something and I apologize if anyone pointed that out before, I swear I didn't see it and I'm not stealing your observation.

I was talking to a friend of mine about He Tian's and She Li's obssession towards Mo Guan Shan when I suddenly realized that Old Xian is way clever than I thought. And the meaning behind that conclusion is that they could represent an obssession, the feeling of possessiveness with another person, that at the same time that is very similar, the objective behind it is totally different.

In the begining of 19 Days I have to admit that I hated the relationship between HT and MGS because it was full of possessiveness, abuse, violence and threatens. I know MGS was totally wrong in the incident with Zhan Zheng Xi but I saw no reason to He Tian's continuous actions towards him. It was only with time and perseverence that I learned how to start really liking their relationship.

As I was discussing with my friend, HT's past is what made him behave like that. He didn't have a mother nor a father to actually care about him, only He Cheng but he was involved with the mafia, the thing HT hated the most so you can guess what type of teen he grew up to be. A person without almost any sense of love or affection, a person who wasn't familiar with the idea of what caring actually is. So when MGS stepped into his life he did to him the only thing he knew to do. Demonstrate his feelings through domination and possessive behaviour, because that was what life teached him to do/be. Being selfish and doing what he "needed" to get what he wanted.

I'm not gonna waste too much time talking about all the aspects about HT and MGS relationship, but in summary I can say that I'm really proud of our boys. I'm proud of HT for starting to realize that this wasn't the way it was supposed to be, he wasn't going to get MGS trust or love by being a total asshole and forcing the boy to like him. His character development is still on-going, he still gotta a lot to learn, sometimes we can forget but they're still teens. That fact won't erase the very bad things he did in the past, nor do I want it to because it all shows how much our boy has improved through time, but it shows that he can be very mature for boys his age.

Whilst we see the development of HT, we see the decay of She Li to his worst period. She Li's obssession with MGS can be clearlier than HT's because he isn't after MGS love, he is after MGS undoing. He wants to see the boy wrecked, destroid and he makes it very clear.

In my point of view based in what we could see about She Li's childhood, he's also from a complicated family. His parents seemed to argue a lot to the point where their kid was being taken care by some servants, and I suppose he grew up like HT, without enough love or affection. That made him cold and distant, and with a strange fascination for d*ath and hurting people/animals. He's described as a ps*cho. I can't confirm if he really is one, but his obssession and need to dominate and humilliate MGS is an enormous red flag.

In this chapter we can see the difference between him and MGS, how they were treated. I don't think jealousy is the best word to describe what he might have felt, cause I'm not sure if he's actually capable of feeling it, I'd rather say envyness. He's envy because that little boy was feeling and having everything he didn't get the chance to experiment. MGS was feeling pain, a sensation that She Li couldn't, and was being held caringly by his mother, another thing She Li didn't have.

She Li, then, found the opportunity and started to treat MGS like an animal, "his dog", so he could take out his anger and frustration on that lucky boy who had everything. I believe he enjoys seeing MGS miserable because that's the only moment where he can actually feel something. He must feel powerfull and proud of himself for making MGS look so pityfull.

And that is the biggest difference between HT's and She Li's obsession towards MGS.

While HT seeks for MGS attention, love and affection, She Li searches for his ruin so he himself can feel something.

HT feels a desire.

She Li feels envyness.

Even though they both have a similar past and a possessive obsession with the same boy, they followed extremely different paths, in which one can find hope and the other decay.

And I admire Old Xian for creating such similar, but at the same time, opposite characters.

Yet again I apologize if someone pointed that out before and I apologize for any errors, english is not my mother language.

[nicobaka]

CLEARING UP AND EXPLAINING SOME THINGS THAT PEOPLE TEND TO MISUNDERSTAND ABOUT GRAY, JUVIA, AND THEIR RELATIONSHIP

(warning: spoilers. It's also gonna be some LONG ass shit lmao. Sorry for typos in advance)

I heard a lot of people hating Gruvia for things that they misunderstood (or just straight-up dismiss/ignore) about the ship, and so I thought I'd clear up and explain some of those here because I just think all this hate towards the ship is unnecessary especially when most of their reasons of why they hate the ship aren't really valid or reasonable.. I mean, yeah, you can dislike and hate it all you want, we all have different preferences. But the level of hate Gruvia gets for reasons that are already proven false and untrue is just unbelievable. Like people saying Gray is somehow "controlled" by Juvia, or that Gray has "Stockholm syndrome" when Juvia never even tried to kidnap Gray... And worse is when people start to spread misinformation and slander the ship, spreading hate and negativity towards the ship for reasons that are again, proven to be untrue.

[ GRAY'S BIG TSUNDERE ASS ]

Gruvia is not one-sided, it's just that Gray's a big frickin Tsundere and that he refuses to show affection, so he may come off as cold to her sometimes. Although later on he realized that he should accept his feelings for Juvia rather than pushing her away and trying to run away from his own feelings before he regrets it, so now he has become less of a Tsundere and is trying to become a better person for her (but still a Tsundere lmao)

[ GRAY'S PAST AND CHILDHOOD TRAUMA ]

Gray does not dislike nor hate Juvia, even from the very beginning after they just met. Hell, even right after their fight in their first meeting. After their first actual meeting, Gray even helped her, saved her, made her happy, and even smiled with her. He wouldn't have done all that if he disliked her. He wouldn't have said he has no problem with Juvia joining the guild if he disliked her. He wouldn't hang around with Juvia inside and even outside the guild if he disliked her. He wouldn't have worried and felt bad about her not passing the exam of he disliked her. He wouldn't have carried her running away from danger even though she already said she can run away by herself if he disliked her. He wouldn't have agreed to going out with Juvia, which clearly meant as a date to her, if he disliked her. He wouldn't have lived with her for half a year if he disliked her. He would have agreed with Juvia leaving him alone if he disliked her, but instead he hugged her, thanked her, and cried on her arms. He wouldn't have sacrificed himself for her safety if he disliked her.... I can go on and on for hours with this honestly. But the point is, he clearly doesn't dislike nor hate Juvia. He even said he's grateful for having Juvia always by his side.

It's just he didn't wanna get too attached to her. He has always thought ever since as a child that it's his responsibility / fault whenever someone he cares for dies. He blames himself for it, consciously or unconsciously, and puts the burden upon himself. He feels like whenever he gets too attached to someone, they would leave him and when that happens it'll be his fault. That's the reason why he seemed cold to her sometimes, it's that he doesn't wanna get too attached to her, afraid that she would just leave him like the others...

"I'm going to avenge my mother and father!"

"I wasn't... able to do anything..."

"It's your fault, Gray." (Lyon)

"It's my fault that Ul died 10 years ago"

"No matter how much time pass, it won't change the fact that it's my fault Ul's dead!"

"I lost both mother and daughter..."

Him trying to push Juvia away by being cold to her is most likely something he did unconsciously, since he himself wasn't really sure about his feelings for her and having the fear of loosing his loved ones before, at least when it was just starting. But as we already know, his attempt of trying to not get too attached to her wasn't successful. It didn't have any chance of being successful to begin with since the reason why he didn't want to get too attached to her and why he had developed the fear of loosing her in the first place is because he's already attached to her from the beginning. He was the one to save her, worries about her a lot, cares for her, protects her, and spends a lot of his time with her, which made him even more attached to her. Which explains his expression at that one recent official Gruvia art which some fans didn't like... He looks like he feels like he shouldn't fall in love with Juvia, but he really just can't help it.

And when it actually almost happened, when Juvia almost killed herself for him, it finally became clear to him what he feels about her, and he realized that it was stupid and cowardly for him to try and avoid Juvia and his very own feelings, because of his damned childhood trauma. He could've lost all the chances he had with her forever, with all those efforts she spent on him all be put in vain. And now that he realized this, that doesn't make the fear of loosing her disappear. It can't be erased just like that. But instead of avoiding, hiding, and keeping his feelings like before, he's trying to improve and be a better person for her that can protect her no matter what.

[ THE LOVE POTION THINGY IS NOT CANON ]

The episode about Juvia buying potions made her look bad for some fans. It was not in the Manga. It's not canon. The part where Lucy expected Natsu to confess (which was seen in the same episode) is canon, since it is from the Manga. But the part where Juvia buys love potion and uses it to try and get Gray is not in that chapter, nor is it in any chapter in the manga, meaning it's not canon and is an anime-only part. Well personally I found it quite funny, but some fans really hated Juvia on that one.

[ JUVIA IS NOT A YANDERE B*TCH ]

I saw a lot of people referring to Juvia as a "yandere" and portraying Juvia as such.. Juvia is NOT a yandere girl who will kill you if you reject her and shit. If anything, she's the opposite. She can NEVER hurt Gray. She'd rather kill herself than hurt Gray. When she thinks she's making Gray uncomfortable, she immediately apologizes. When she thought she disrespected Ul's death anniversary by saying it should be a happy day for Gray because it's their anniversary (she didn't know it was Ul's death anniversary at first), she felt very sorry and disappointed in herself. The reason she couldn't approach him at the start was because she didn't want to make him and his friends uncomfortable, and because she isn't used to socializing with other people (add the fight with Phantom Lord which caused the guild a lot of trouble, plus how people always disliked and pushed Juvia away). Basically, Juvia has, or at least had social anxiety. At first, she couldn't approach Gray because she was extremely nervous. Juvia also wasn't as bold as she is now towards Gray at the start, she was shy and was shown to even stutter a lot trying to express her thoughts to Gray and the guild members. Yeah, she becomes extremely mad when someone threatens Gray's life, but that's just like Natsu being mad when someone threatens to kill Lucy. Or Gray being mad when someone threatens Erza's life. Or Mira being mad when someone threatens her siblings lives.. But Juvia didn't even actually kill Meredy (the one who did threaten to kill Gray), but instead even became friends with her! A yandere would do the total opposite. I think that if Gray ever rejects her, she wouldn't even be mad at him, but would probably be very depressed and think a lot about what she did wrong.. She was even willing to give up on him in Tartaros Arc, when she had to kill Gray's father, she thought she doesn't deserve to love him anymore after what she did so she was willing to finally give up and leave him alone... When yanderes are the kind of people who'd go as far as to kill every other person close to you just so they can have you for themselves...

But Gray himself does not want her to leave. Even though he seems annoyed with how Juvia is clingy towards him and all that, in reality, he doesn't want her to leave. He hugs her and says "thank you" to Juvia for being the one to "kill" Silver, saving his father and finally letting his father rest in peace, so that Gray didn't have to kill his father himself. Silver himself wanted to die and even thanked Juvia for that so I don't really understand why people hate her because of it. And if Gray disliked or hated Juvia, he definitely would have agreed about her leaving him alone.

The main reason why Juvia acts like this is because she's trying to show her love for others that she wasn't able to show before, since she was always rejected, avoided, disliked, and even hated by others. She's always pushed away by others. So now that someone (Gray) didn't push her away and showed care for her, she didn't want to miss the opportunity of finally feeling loved and being able to share her love.

And Gray, together with the guild, accepted her. She wants to feel loved and accepted, so she's trying all her best to not be seen as someone gloomy or unlikable that others used to think she is. She does things that she thinks would make them happy, she does things that she thinks would make them accept her. But since she never really knew how to interact with other people before she joined the guild, and the people she used to be with were toxic as hell, she comes off as awkward sometimes. But she's growing, together with Gray and the guild, she's growing.

[ THE LOVE RIVAL" THING IS JUST FOR COMIC RELIEF AND WAS NEVER SERIOUS ]

She may say "Love Rival!!" when someone's getting close to Gray, but it's only put as comic relief and she was not actually serious about it. Even Lucy, the one whom she always calls her "rival", never took it seriously. If Lucy did, she would have never approached Gray ever again, or hated Juvia for it. If Juvia was really serious about her so called "threats", they would have kicked her out of the guild long ago. Plus, she may act like that, but in reality, she cares for and is willing to sacrifice for her friends, including Lucy. And Lucy herself knows that. Even Gray knows when she's just joking around and even called her out for joking at serious times.

It's sad that people say that they are concerned about Gray and Juvia "forcing" herself into him when they don't really actually think about and consider what Gray is actually feeling towards her.. Gray loves her, she loves Gray. Just let them be happy. Gray has lost too much, at least let him enjoy being with Juvia.

Anyways, I'M NOT FORCING YOU TO LIKE THE SHIP, WE ALL HAVE PREFERENCES. But I'm just trying to make you understand both characters, their relationship and development a little more. Well, this is mainly just from my perspective tho. Especially with all the hate this ship gets and how misunderstood both characters are and the things they do. And if you got to this part, thanks for reading all of this lmao this is my first time posting something like this in Tumblr, I hope it wasn't that confusing.

[beclynn-herondale]

hi!

hope you are well ❤ and i hope it's fine if i talk about robert adopting jace!

since this is totally related to robert's homophobic behaviour i'll have to mention it, take this as a trigger/content warning to anyone who may need it! (you probably know a lot about it already but i guess many people don't actually understand robert's side, and not sure if i even need to say it, but everything next is canon or based in canon information, i'm not making up anything) so here's my analysis:

so first i'll mention the basics: robert adopted jace (as jonathan wayland, michael's child) because of what he did to michael in the past. what exactly does that mean? he was trying to compensate what he did to michael. and how this compensation works? helping michael after his death?

something kinda obvious i guess is that robert felt miserable most of the time, for multiple reasons combined. one of them being his intense self-loathing/none self-steem, also caused for multiple reasons. for most of his life robert was ashamed for.. existing, basically, i mean he really was extremely ashamed of himself in general. another reason, more specifical, was michael. i won't explain the effects of a dead parabatai to a shadowhunter, but in was mentioned in later books how the life-death separation of robert and michael devastaded both of them, and that's just the parabatai part. along with their other complications, it was all very harmful, and robert is shown getting triggered under mention of michael.

now there's something one needs to understand so they can understand 1) robert's self-loathing over michael and 2) robert hoped adopting michael's son would "redeem"/"forgive" him?

see, on robert's opinion, homophobia is unforgivable. really.

nobody ever lectured or told him this. that's his actual opinion on homophobia. and that was his opinion on the matter years before alec was born or any shadowhunter close to robert cared about it. when robert was a 80's teenager, he thought it was unforgivable, and he kept thinking that through the years. this is important 'cause it's a impression of mine that a lot of people think robert was actually anti gay people and then changed his beliefs for alec's sake, and this is absolutely incorrect. robert knew that discriminating people for their sexuality was wrong — and he hated himself for doing it to michael (and afterwards to alec, but then it was mostly a misunderstanding)

said that, we know michael was something like a ugly open wound in robert. because, as i mentioned, they missed each other, and robert had to cope with the fact that he was horrible to michael and he knew what he did was horrible, and he just had to live thinking of himself as trash. michael was a extremely sensive topic and thinking about him hurt too much. that's how alec and isabelle ended up taking many years to find out robert had a parabatai, because robert never even mentioned michael. they only found out who michael was because of jace's adoption.

now i'm getting close to the point. robert didn't want anything to ever remind him of michael, because it hurt too much (that was the main reason he didn't react well to alec's relationship with magnus!!!!! his children took a decade to find out michael even existed!!!!). and that's why i can't agree with the idea that robert only adopted jace to feel better with himself.

obviously valentine can't really be trusted as a source of information, but he was probably who best knew robert after michael, and his entire plan relied on robert taking jace in for michael. now, according to him, he knew robert would do that for michael. and how could him be so sure? robert had to actually fight maryse to adopt jace, and valentine trusted he would do it over michael. valentine thought very low of robert, so that's really something.

if robert only wanted to feel better about himself, adopting jace wouldn't make any sense to him, first because, well, robert's self-loathing is deeper than that (and he would know it better than anyone), but i know people in pain don't always act logical and robert is a great example of this so, second, as i showed, michael is a big emotional trigger to robert and he gets very upset about. we don't know how much and how often robert and maryse got agressive with each other, but their fights about adopting michael's child envolved a lot of shouting, and this is not the only context we see robert getting upset over michael.

(as if this wasn't evidence enough, in the wicked ones we are directly informed that all of robert agressive and permanently triggered and dangerous vibes are nothing more than hurt over michael. that's really something)

if thinking of michael was so triggering to robert at the point he hurts people - and people he love (maryse, alec) over it, how adopting michael's son and taking care of him with his presence as a permanent reminder of michael (and that michael was gone) would make robert feel better with himself? and, even more: he wouldn't expect jace to look like michael, as he did expect. if he was thinking mostly about himself, he would be satisfied finding out jace's looks don't remind him of michael, but instead he was awkward and got worried about how jace was feeling.

so what was this about? robert says he was trying to compensate for what he did, as according to cassie, "awkwardly and painfully trying to convey that he loved michael." and yeah, doing something good to michael would make robert feel better, because he loved michael and doing good things to michael makes sense to him. robert never expected what he did to michael to be forgiven, but he did want to demonstrate that he loved michael and that he could be better than that - better than what he had done - for the people he loved.

that was a ride, sorry any mistakes (not native english speaker) and i hope you like these observations, since i understood you liked my last robert analysis

xoxo, thank you for your attention 💓

Hello again, flower

I'm hanging in there 😎

Sorry it took me a bit to answer

I actually got a new perspective on Robert from this. And I love the way you explained this. I don't have too much to add, but a little.

I do agree that he wasn't as homophobic as some might think. He was afraid of what other people would think, and in which case, did end up kind of being that way.

I think if Robert hadn't been so afraid of what people would have said, (I do think the trauma he had with the rune played part in this. As he didn't want to have something else people felt he should be ashamed of), I think he would have actually accepted Michael. It was a very complicated situation and it was cringe a little to, but there's so much to unpack there. And I do believe there's always at least two sides to a story. We know he was a little homophobic with Alec, but he acknowledged it and started changing his ways, which is all you can ask for in this case. I appreciate him trying to change and be better, as I am a sucker for redemption and growth and change. Sometimes change is all that can be done. It won't erase the hurt that was caused but it does mean there won't be anymore hurt done, and I think that's what matters.

Also, the stuff with Jace I very much agree with. but I think it also left Jace feeling like the only reason they took him in was because they thought he was Michael's son, we know that isn't actually true and they love Jace for Jace. I think itleft Jace struggling a little bit though. But in TDA it kinda seemed like him and Robert had somewhat of an improved relationship, as Jace said that Robert had mellowed out a lot since he had become a grandfather, and he wasn't so bad. I do think Robert was fond of his children he just didn't express it openly with them. We do however see him doing it with his grandchildren, everytime he called Max, his M & M, I thought it was precious.

And I fully believe he apologized to Michael in the afterlife and they are hanging out, and taking care of Max. I also believe he tells the other Circle members there about TMI Gang. Mostly about his kids.

This is also a stretch but I think they Robert and Jace could have bonded over their experiences with runes. Jace didn't have the same experience as Robert, but we Valentine marked Jace early, and marking Nephilim children early gives them terrible nightmares. I think there could have been an understanding between them. But we know neither of them like to talk about their trauma. And definitely don't like to talk about their feelings lol.

Hope you are well 💛🧡

[theangrypokemaniac]

Then Ambipom showed up, and the little miss wasn't half so bad in retrospect.

I never felt too keen on Aipom. It was okay but that inane grin possessed a sinister edge, like Tony Blair after the '97 election.

Bloody hell, what's that?

Yer tail's got more fingers than you!

Nasty thing this freak:

• Teeth like bathroom tiles.

• Grimace about as reassuring as an escaped mental patient peering in the window.

• Chevron nose implying a porcine snout.

• Tail ends like silicon knockers, each sporting a trio of red-raw teats.

• Screechy, gurgling cackle.

• Bobbing up and down, heaving, like a Steamboat Willie reject.

It's the voice mainly. The cheap attempt rolled out by The Pokémon Company ruins much of it for me.

Aipom began Sinnoh as Ash's Pokémon, but so enamoured was she of the whole Contest palaver, and with no chance of joining whilst still in his custody, the decision was made to trade her for Buizel.

I repeat: she left Ash, whom she clearly cared about, given the hat antics, because Contests were a wondrous jewel in her eyes.

It did then anyway. The boss-eyed ugliness is more of an issue now.

It was all going so swimmingly. Dawn and Ambipom made a grand team, sticking it to Ursula and Gabite good and proper.

That is, until she made the mistake of entering a table tennis event.

Really? To this we are reduced?

Remember that. It's important for later.

His name is O.

It is not. That's blatantly an alias for ulterior motives.

What's he up to, sneaking about under a pseudonym of evident fabrication?

O? Yer couldn't even think up a proper sobriquet for this devilish creep?

It's all Barry's fault, the bitch.

I consider folk who fanny hither and thither, referring to themselves by initials only, to be insufferably pretentious.

T.A.P. won't have it on this blog.

Dawn progresses with ease, thoroughly thrashing opponents, for Ambipom reveals herself to be quite the skilled operator.

With no fingers, no wrists, and no joints. Just the palms.

As if!

How can Shiftry be a champion? Look at it, man!

Alright, it's not so severe a drawback as Oddish, who had No Bloody Arms, but it ain't much of an improvement.

It's got no bloody hands!

Yet they come up against real competition at the close, for O and Shiftry are legends of the art.

It's a master ping-pong player... with No Bloody Hands?!

You're 'avin me on here!

What's it meant to do, slap away with a frond?

How?! There's no bloody bones in them there leaves!

Can't have a cup of tea with them, can yer?!

What a surprise, Dawn loses in the final.

Something else to fail at then?

Oh come on love, can't you do anything right?

Then O guilt trips her. Apparently the shrieking simian is a natural talent, but her deadweight presence is cramping its style.

Charming.

Ambipom is given the choice: spotlight and seals or bats and balls. She picks the latter.

Each time the ball approaches, either it'll just bend the foliage, or, when aflame, burn a hole right through, and Shiftry would go up like a woollen nightgown!

Of course she does. The compelling story arc of twenty minutes could lead only to this conclusion.

Aipom gives up entering Contests, a career she adored, in preference for a thing no one knew existed before this single episode, even if it means parting from all of her friends forever.

Perfectly logical thought process there.

Two options:

1. Contests are crap. They look all flash at a distance but it's a soulless procedure.

Ambipom twigged this early on, jumping ship at the first opportunity to escape a lifetime of feudal drudgery under Dawn's baronial whip hand.

O claims to run his own ping-pong school, because in these parts that's how people fill the empty hours waiting for death.

Bizarrely it's situated in Vermilion City.

I know. It's on a entirely different continent to Dawn, as if they don't want her visiting.

Back in day Ash and Brock almost died trying to reach said settlement. It ain't easy even for them.

Oh Vermilion City! Of course it is! I remember it so well now from Electric Shock Showdown.

Lieutenant Surge loves a game of ping-pong! Him and Raichu batter fragile Pidgey and Rattata all day then unwind with a bit of back-and-forth paddle-whacking.

He's at every hour under the sun with the Fishing Guru and Fan Club Chairman.

2. The writers responsible are baggy-arsed oafs and this is the most inept exit in the show.

Yeah, and I bet O's vehicle is the one hiding Mew.

Ah! That's the explanation I've waited for!

Disembarking from the Saint Anne? It's the first place you go when in town.

Captain, calm thy sick, and Sailors, put down those women of ill repute. There's pongs to be pinged.

A likely scenario as ever I did see.

Or is it?

Well, well, well. This tissue of lies is unravelling before me.

• Calls himself O?

• Has such a mundane, yet ludicrous profession?

• Works with a disabled Pokémon incapable of the very action for which it is famed?

• Professes to own an establishment we know from past experience isn't there?

• Enters the aforesaid competition, immediately targeting his favoured prey?

• Grooms Ambipom with flattery, adding a reduction in status by beating her, inspiring a useful hunger for better?

• Emotionally manipulates a young girl into surrendering her Pokémon?

• Shows no remorse in removing an animal from her family?

• Travels thousands of miles from home, keen to avoid recognition by fellow countrymen?

• Supposed base happens to be in a city difficult to access for Dawn?

• Oh, and a port town to boot, stamping ground of smugglers passing illegal goods, like exotic pets and contraband?

• Disappears on a bus, never to be seen again?

The evidence is piling up!

He ain't no ping-pong player! He's scouting for specimens for his animal research lab!

Ambipom's gonna get stuffed and placed in a cabinet for snotty students to study!

Hey, science man. Anything's justified in its name. The future's now thanks to it.

Thumbs up from Pope Clemont.

Could be worse. Could be talentless twat Damien Hirst picking up creatures to bisect in a vat of formaldehyde for the pleasure of a lot of beard-stroking bourgeoisie.

If I were Ash I'd be well aggrieved at the entire situation.

You give away yer best chimp, assuming it'll be safe with a friend, and she gifts it to the vivisectionist!

Oi bitch, yer wanna take the shirt off his back too?

You should've handed it to Jessie when asked. She never would've done such a thing.

She cares.

She just dumps all hers in the tender embrace of H.Q. and forgets.

Might be dead now. Much better.

What is it about Sinnoh? Chimchar gets grief, and Aipom's headed for China's cruelty-free wet markets.

From Poffin to coffin: aye-aye-aye.

Mmm-mmm: Mashed Ape coming to a dinner plate near you.

I tell yer, shameless spanking of monkeys going on all over.

But lo, the somewhat misnamed Galar region is set in Vermilion City!

Obviously Ambipom will be at Chloë's for a cup of tea and a banana on a regular basis.

Yep, definitely will happen. No doubt about it. We're due a remake of Diamond and Pearl after all.

Should that come to fruition, any old excuse to promote it on screen will do.

I'm handing yer that loose story strand, Game Freak!

Any time now. The first day Ash was in town he raced to the famous ping-pong school round the corner.

He couldn't resist, not when he hadn't bothered to visit in three previous generations.

It's coming. It will. Just wait a minute.

...

That's right, you wave goodbye. That's the last we'll be seeing of 'er outside of a packed lunch with mustard.

No? Again I give you two options:

1. What choo expecting canon coherence from this shower for?

I keep telling yer: when a new era begins it erases all that has gone before. That's why they explain the concept of Pokémon EVERY SINGLE BLOODY TIME.

2. It is consistent, and Ambipom can't return as her skin's decorating a fine Gucci handbag.

Plus the rest of her made a top-notch tin of dog food.

[phys-psy-disabled]

I love how this points out that even if you didn't get the care you needed as a child, it's not like the window of opportunity to heal closes when you're an adult; in fact, you get "a new set of options" for healing. So much of the information about developmental trauma can get discouraging after a while, and sound like it's saying you (and your parents) missed a one-time chance in your childhood, and now you'll never be able to heal much beyond where you're at now. But that's not true. And that's not been my experience.

I didn't have the options I needed to heal until I got to adulthood, but then it was like a new world of access to safe people and a support system gradually opened up to me. I didn't really acknowledge or start seriously addressing my developmental trauma until a year ago, and I started seeing improvements within months. I'm a much freer person than I was a year ago.

Even when I experienced a setback (I won't go into potentially triggering details) where most of the past two months, I was living with someone who abused and gaslit me the same way my primary abuser did, I finally reached out to friends who confirmed there was no excuse for how I was being treated. I got in touch with different people in my support network, and they helped me figure out what to do and helped me leave the situation safely and supported me in dealing with the fallout. And I knew from past experience what kind of fallout to expect and took measures to protect myself. And now that I'm in a safe place, I'm recovering from the experience faster than I thought I would. Even though I'm still working through it, it hasn't erased all the progress I've made; rather it's become another step in my recovery journey.

All that to say, as an adult I'm discovering I have so many tools and options for healing that I didn't have as a child. And when I think about my child self and how miserable and afraid and trapped she felt back then, I want to say, "It's been so hard, but the wait is over now. You have help and support and love like you always wanted. It's right there, and all you need to do is ask for it. Take heart; you're going to be okay."

Jasmin Lee Cori, The Emotionally Absent Mother: How to Recognize and Heal the Invisible Effects of Childhood Emotional Neglect

[gwenaex]

It’s Time I Said Goodbye To You

너에게 작별 인사를 할 때야

I was driving to work and saw how much the leaves had begun to change. Their vibrant reds and oranges, scattered on the ground and hanging on the branches. It made me realize I survived another season without you.

It’s been over a year since you broke my heart. And to be honest, I feel like a broken record for continuing to talk about you. The fact that you can still bring tears to my eyes on days when I’m so happy. How you can keep me up at night, unable to close my eyes because memories of you still play in the back of my mind.

But I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to cry at the thought of your name. I don’t want to toss and turn to hold the covers to my face. I want to bring my smile back that used to take up my whole face with how much it showed. I want to go back to sleeping peacefully.

To say I’ve grown this year without you by my side would be an understatement. I’ve changed so much for the better I don’t even recognize that girl in photos from a year ago. I wish I could have been able to tell her how much she would be better off without you, but she needed to hurt before she started to heal. My healing process is over now.

Yes, there have been many dark days where I didn’t want to make it to tomorrow. Times where I couldn’t see myself without you in my life. I thought about that girl who begged for you to stay. To not get in your car, drive away and never come back. But now I know it’s what was best. And as hard as it is to finally admit, us no longer being together was the best thing to happen to me.

I see myself in a new light now. Someone who knows her self-worth and won’t settle for anything less than what I deserve. A person who is courageous and takes each day at a time and goes after what she wants. I have you to thank for that. Because of you I know what I want and will never stop trying to find it even if it takes the rest of my life. I just knew that what I wanted wasn’t you, wasn’t us together. It doesn’t hurt the same way it did a year ago to say that.

I’ll never forget you and maybe I’ll never stop loving you, but I will never go back to you no matter what. There’s still a tiny piece of my heart that you carry whether you know it or not.  Maybe it’s that part that’s weighing you down, I know the feeling, I lived that way for so long. But I finally released it and I can breathe again. I was the one who gave my heart to you and trusted you to keep it and hold it close. I guess we were both foolish for doing something we knew wouldn’t happen.

You were my first love. I can’t and wouldn’t change that. I don’t want to go back and erase every single memory of us we shared together. All the good times and even the bad ones too. Because whether we like it or not, there was a time when those moments were all that mattered and they made us into the people we are today. I can’t fix the past, but I can improve the present to make sure my future is brighter and better for me to never want to look back but take it with me and move on.

I won’t find someone just like you, I’ve come to realize that the hard way this year. Spending my time on dates and dating someone searching for something reminded me of you. Only to break up with them and hurt them because they didn’t come close to you. I know now I need to stop comparing everyone to you. Because if I want a chance to find happiness and love again I need to know that the love you gave me was all you could offer. But that there will be someone else out there who can give me more and is willing to. Not everyone I will meet will be like you. there will be someone who will love me for REAL ME.

I know now that if I want to be happy, I need to let you go. I need to stop hanging on to something that used to be good. I don’t hate you, I could never. But I hate what you did, what you were capable of doing. If we ever even accidentally bump into each other, I hope one day I want to just smile to myself and proudly think that I am a better version of myself now.

My only concern right now is myself because I haven’t been the best person for me this past year. But it’s time I do that, starting with something I thought would always be hard. I want to change myself for the good, I don't want to be someone who is the only one who is putting in efforts.

~ We'd always go into it blindly I needed to lose you to find me This dancing was killing me softly I needed to hate you to love me I needed to lose you to love me ~

It’s time I say goodbye to you. Because for me to truly love myself, I need to let you go. Holding onto you was slowly killing me inside and I don’t want to feel that way anymore.

So, this is me releasing you, you’re free from my thoughts and my mind. I won't be sad anymore. I will be me. Now I can finally stand tall and uncurl my fingers.

And now the chapter is closed and done And now it's goodbye, it's goodbye for us.

[howtodisassembleyourdeviant]

Connor wasn't sure what he was expecting. Did he think that finding out he was a deviant would be enough to erase the past? That he could suddenly trust the deceitful android? How could he be sure he wasn't lying now? Though, if this was some kind of trick, it was quite an elaborate one.

Then he realized what a hypocrite he is being. Connor had more than his fair share of blood on his hands. Many deaths that could have been prevented had he deviated sooner. Choices he had more influence on, yet choosing instead to follow orders. Yet, when he deviated, Markus chose to trust him. Even after the incident at Heart Plaza, where cameras caught Connor pulling his gun on the leader, Markus believed him when he confessed. He deals with the fallout of his choices every day. Many androids are intimidated by him, eye him with distrust. All he does, he hopes will improve the lives of his people.

Connor was just like the android before him. How can he expect to be forgiven when he won't extend the same courtesy?

"I can't trust you, " Connor lowers his gun, but doesn't put it back in the holster, "but I am willing to give you a chance. You have to come with me." He can't let -60 take off now that he knows he's alive. The risk is just too high. Either -60 comes with his predecessor, or Connor will be forced to remove the threat.

howtodisassembleyourdeviant​:

I don’t want to die. 

That simple phrase had him hesitating. It was a phrase used by androids before him. Deviants. In his mind, he remembered the HK400 he couldn’t save, the Traci’s that he chose to spare. They just wanted to live.

The machine in front of him was a threat. He had deceived Hank, threatening to shoot him to stop the revolution. The ‘other’ Connor wanted him dead, seen him as nothing but a failure. A disappointment. Had he succeeded in ending -52′s life, the revolution would have failed. Thousands of androids would have been massacred. It should be so easy to pull the trigger. 

Please don’t kill me.

Upon closer inspection, Connor notices how worn the other’s clothes are, as if he had been exposed to the elements all this time. He’s filthy, like he hasn’t been able to clean the dirt off properly. The look on his face kept Connor conflicted. Their model was meant to be manipulative, something -60 has utilized flawlessly, but he looked… scared. 

I don’t want to die. 

Connor hesitated, but only for a second, glaring at the android with his gun trained between his eyes.

“I’m going to ask you one question and it will determine whether or not I end your existence right now.” Funny, how this kind of game was how Hank was able to determine which ‘Connor’ was the right one, ultimately killing the android before him. Or, at least, that’s what they thought. Connor won’t make the same mistake twice.

“Are you a deviant?”

For a long moment it seemed as though his words went unheard, as if Connor was still waiting for an answer. He could only interpret the possible meanings behind micro expressions, the detective programming he’d been allowed to keep all required a higher strain on his CPU then he was willing to risk. He waited. Waited for Connor to send a bullet through him, through his head, through his regulator, through his thirium pump. Maybe he would make him suffer watching his countdown timer slowly tick away as he bled out what little thirium he had left.

Even as he waited for his death, he couldn’t stop himself from trying to find information, the dim light limited what he could see, but Connor had clearly decided to rid himself of the Cyberlife brand now that he was free. It made him want to rip off his own glowing jacket and burn it for warmth. As dirty and worn as the beanie hat he found was, it was the only piece of clothing that was his.

The glare on Connor’s face was easy to understand at least, even through the darkness of the abandoned building he had been trying to make his refuge for the night. The question surprised him, what did it matter if he was or not? It was stupid to delay his own demise, so Sixty felt no need to lie “I woke up deviant in December” his memory banks had suffered a fair bit of damage and while his self repair system tried it’s best, without access to proper thirium supplies it had only been able to run for so long. He was safe from losing more memories to corruption, but he couldn’t remember exactly when the red wall crumbled around him.