#it will not stop im afraid. in fact itll get worse

[the-hilda-librarians-wife]

Pathology professor: melanoma risks increases in patients with B-K syndrome-

Me: holy shit Bell Keeper is a skin cancer risk factor

[clownbeep]

This is gonna be kinda brutal. But I want to put it into writing

Big vent/whats been going on

Hah... I guess this is like my life story or some shit...

Trigger warning ahead.. Depression and a bit of gore/suicide talk so if you are sensitive to that please, for your own sake and mental state you might not want to continue.

For those who dont want to hear a pretty dark vent, I understand.

And those who are just scrolling by feel free to scroll past. I just personally want to get this out.

If you have dealt with emotional neglect/abuse and need to know it isnt in your head this might be the post.

By writing this it feels like hopefully someone else will read this and realise certain things are NOT healthy.

If you are questioning if you are being emotionally neglected/abused (im speaking in a parental sense but even romantically or sexually) im not someone to give you answers, but the fact you are questioning it raises some red flags. In a healthy relationship you dont wonder those things.

Sorry for the long prelude but heres what I wanted to say

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Ever since I was young, ive had bad ADHD, manic bipolar/depression, and sensory issues.

I was diagnosed around 13 I believe. My family (I didnt realise it then) always showed pity. Like I was some wild animal that couldnt be tamed and there was nothing they could do. Id do and say stupid attention seeking things just to try and get a shred of empathy.

My family didnt care.

When I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt regaurding pills and my liver had a chance of failing.. None of my family members cried over me. But a family friend. Someone not. Even. Related. Wept over me.

My family didnt care.

I cant say they never cared. They give me food water and luxuries like internet and a phone. For that I am grateful.

But in many other ways they have hurt me faar more than helped.

Once I got out of a short term stay in an inpatient mental facility I desperately needed contact with anyone who would care for me.

I have a younger sister, quite young probably around 7 at the time. She was a close friend of mine for that time. Id hang out with her so often to fill the gap in love it felt my family didnt give. One day I walked into the dining room and overheard my mother and father talking to my little sister. They told her to keep away because I wasnt "stable" because I was "dangerous" and could give her bad Ideas. And with one single action my only friend at the time and way to find happiness was taken away.

My family did not care.

When I stay in bed every day for months on end not knowing which day ill snap and end it all.... I get called lazy.

My family did not care

When I beg for medication to make me a functional human being they brush me off for years on end. Im losing my grip. I can barely remember things that have happened last week because I try so hard to forget everything its my automatic response to everything.

When I cant get to sleep because all of the memories come flooding back and im hit by wave after wave of horrific memories and the feeling if worthlessness... When I cant watch any videos or read posts about families because it brings on unwanted memories and emotions....

Is it me being dramatic then?

When you hear your family openly mocking and laughing about how stupid and dramatic and fake trans people are... How weird and unnatural and mentally insane these people are not knowing they are the very reason grsm and trans suicides are so high...

Am I a liar now? Am I insane?

When I tried to talk to them about my mental health issues. They took my only way of contact and made me feel like it was my own fault.

My family didnt care.

When I was nearly passed out shaking in a bathtub covered in wounds and blood all over... They showed pity, then lectured me for an hour for not telling them or for being impulsive and basically cleaned my wounds and sent me into my room.

My family didnt care.

Yes. I do agree, they cleaned my wounds, the physical side of showing care. However emotionally they were not there.

When my father drinks so heavilly every day he is home from work that he forgets half the things he tells you and can barely function.. They lecture my older sister for having a glass of wine (legal age)

They did not care.

My sister (23) tried for so many years to cling to what little attention she would get by getting good grades and going to college... She realised that it changed nothing about how my family felt toward her.... She snapped.

My family did not care.

She starves herself for a disease she does not have, she uses religion as an exuse to be one of the biggest christian extremists I personally know. Half the days she doesnt eat... Other days she burns book and gets rid of items for being demonic.

My lovely sister used to be kind and quite normal. However she couldnt find comfort in what little live her family gave. Starved for care she turned to religion to un unhealthy degree. Finding any way to keep her mind busy. Now I worry she will end up in the hospital for weighing so little.

My family did not care.

My oldest sister (27) Is married to a continuously cheating husband who she keeps letting back into her life. She was raised with a failing marrige and doesnt seem to see when she should call it quits.

Not to mention her husband has touched someone legally under the age of concent. Did she report him to the authorities? No.

All of these horrific things stemming from bad parenting. Unhealthy relationships and neglect.

Neglect emotionally can cause just as bad things as physical neglect. They are both horrifically dangerous in different ways.

These are the only big things I can remember... Basically age 15 and below are a complete blur to me and I cant remember much of it without thinking for a looong time. Even then I cant remember a lot of it... I feel like ive lost my whole damn childhood. And it hurts more than if they had just hit me or physically harmed me.

Im not underplaying physically harm. But in my personaly opinion I would rather my family have beaten me badly because at least then id have an easier way to prove to people how severe the abuse was. You can see bruises and confirm broken bones... But years of feeling completely useless and being shut off from most of the world other than the internet... It fucks you up in a way I dont think can be healed.

I dont know if I can ever love myself or... Remember things. Its terrifying to think Ill post this and a few weeks later probably not even rememner unless its brought up. Or meeting people and having conversations... And they are just... Gone.

Gone.

I suppose the biggest reason im writing this is well... In the future I dont want to forget in some ways.. I want like to be 100× as awesome knowing itll start as soon as im out of here..

If I dont have anything to compare it too then what is the point?

Ive layed out basically most of what I remember

A large amount of time I look around and nothing registers... Everything is familiar but I cant remember anything for a moment or two.. I feel like my memory is slipping so fast and im terrified.. I cant do anything to stop it and I cant make my mood be stable without the medication my family cant be bothered to get ...

I suppose this is a bit of a vent. I know its kind of everywhere and unorganized..

If im honest.. Tumblr is the only place where people have given me a home I wish I had..

I came out as trans here... Everyone was so damn supportive.. I didnt say anything but I cried hard and the kindness.. It was amazing.. It was such a jarring difference to how I feel when I say anything in real life.

Ive met friends here and ive had some much fun here. If youve stuck around this far thank you so much.. If you didnt I dont blame you.

I just wanted to share what has been flashing in my head these past few days.. It hurts a lot and ive even considered suicide recently..

Im trying hard. As hard as I can.. I have no escape though.

I cannot leave home. I cannot escape. Im not being dramatic.

I

CANT

LEAVE

And its terrifying because I know without medication or at least being somewhere AWAY from family.... I feel like im going to break soon.

I dont want to do anything stupid.. But some days I cant think straight and do things that harm myself and its not good. Its not okay. Im aware that I need help but I have no idea where to go/turn.. I have no ID or drivers liscence.. I have no transportation to and from a job to get money so I can leave... I live in the middle of nowhere.... I just..

I dont want to lose touch. I dont want to do anything bad.. I want to be functional.. I want to do more than eat and sleep my life away because I have nothing else to do..

Im so damn sick and tired of this all.. And at times I really do feel like there is only one way out.

Its always there and I just feel like one of these days im gonna be pushed over the edge and not be thinking clearly enough to stop it.

Im thinking semi clearly right now which is my im posting this.. Because im afraid and alone.

I have nowhere to go irl I have no friends Irl i just have tumblr and media and thats it. I dont expect anyone to be able to help I just wanted to write this so anyone knows what happens if I leave media..

If I tell my family my issues they will blow me off again for the 11th time or so (not exaggerated)

And if I do something to get sent to the hospital and get the help I need the cycle will continue with them being pissed and me getting sent home in a month or less anly for my family relationships to get worse..

Im spiraling fuether and further and I cant keep up the facade of being fine. I need help. And i have no way to get it. Ive just been suffering for years...

Sitting around and doing nothing but using your phone or drawing or whatever sound fun in theory... But if thats all youve been able to do for years with little to no real life social contact its gonna mess with your head... I dont want to be a shut in... I just

I dont know what to do.

Im sorry for rambling. I will most likely delete this later feeling embarrassed I posted this...

Im just tired..

[ursoself-satisfying]

do you think eugene is maybe scared of long boat trips? i was thinking about it the other day, maybe he plans on going on holiday with his s/o and the only way to go abroad would be on a boat right? but maybe he would get a little (a lot? im not an expert on this) ptsd while being on the boat and his s/o supporting him but not fully understanding because lets be honest, no-one apart from the soldiers fully understand this sort of stuff, and maybe there's another veteran on-board who helps him?

Before we get into it I wanna say I totally agree n that unless u actually have experienced that ur rly not gonna understand what the person is going thru n this applies to all kinds of trauma but just bc u dont understand doesnt mean u cant do ur best to or that u cant still love support n help them handle it n it doesnt mean they're not gr8tful for ur involvement even if u dont understand,, writing for post war eugene is always tricky cus I dont wanna assume ik how any of this goes or the extent of what it entails i havent done this I've barely done any research its heartbreaking tho n unfair n I just wanted to say all that before u get into this cus it's a combo of both asks but also more of a touchy subject than I feel like I've addressed here so that's just a heads up but enjoy!!

Omg eugene my bby

I def think hes still afraid of boats big time,, so when the two of u decide to go abroad for ur honeymoon it's a big decision for u two to make one w lots of beforehand discussions n considering all ur other options but in the end the push of ur families n the pull of the convenience of a boat eases u both into the decision, even tho nothing about it u kno is going to be easy,, Eugene is p nervous cus I mean the nightmares have lessened n u both have been learning how to handle his flashbacks n the like but u had never tried anything like this yet so on one hand it could be a good time to test the waters but on the other hand neither of u have any idea how itll actually go

Even just in the car on the way there he starts to get shakey n then on the dock it gets a bit worse but ur hands r on him somehow the whole time either locked in his or on his leg or arm or stuck in his pocket n that comforts him, ur touch anchors him n keeps him from drifting to worse thoughts it keeps him thinking about u instead,, its till hard tho just thinking about it being back on that boat forcing himself to remember hes going to France n it's not occupied n hes not alone n hes going to get to see the sights w his wonderful wife n thoroughly enjoy those bright French mornings n that it's going to be quiet, no more bombs or raids or alarms just u n him under thin sheets hot n sticky n just together n safe

But first,, the boat

On the boat? It was rough,, every bit of turbulence n every odd sway made him anxious n as much as u tried to entice him to enjoy more of the boats activities like a cabaret show or even just playing some chess out on the deck n tho u could get him out a few times n he did enjoy himself,, he spent most of his time in the cabin trying to ignore the fact he was on a boat at all,, the rest of his time not being coaxed out by u he spent napping in a deck chair w u often lounging beside him n watching over his sleep carefully, also making sure he didnt burn n lathering her exposed skin in sunblock as much as u could as he slept

U two kept busy in the cabin tho I mean it was ur honeymoon after all ;;;))) so he ravaged u as often as he could bc not only were u a comfort but also a distraction,, u did other things as well tho like laying n listening to ur favourite radio shows or playing guitar to him or sketching him or dancing together or once even doing a silly little fashion show where he def tripped after putting on ur heels

He did have a few attacks tho but u had prepared as best u could n even if some of ur cabin took a beating in an outburst u had always managed to talk him down n he spent a lot of time in ur arms

His breakdowns btw would come suddenly when something would trigger him like a sudden movement or a splash against ur window n then he would get angry n scared n become protective of u until his aggression bubbled over into hot tears drowned out by ur soft words of confirmation trying to tell him u were on a modest cruise liner n u were going to Europe n that the guns n the bombs n the tropical climate were all far away n u would pull him into a cold shower w u n he would often (fuck u hard first then) just cling to u n cry until he could calm down n fall asleep n if he stirred in his sleep u would repeat the process until he could sleep soundly

He was gr8tful to finally be off the boat n back on land tho n once in Paris the two of u could rly enjoy ur honeymoon beginning w breaking in ur hotel bed ;;;)))

But then the two of u got to see the Eiffel Tower n the Seine n the Louvre n Notre dame n it was all so amazing!!!! U spent half the time w ur head in ur sketchbook n he spent all his time taking photos of u w ur head in ur sketchbook lol

The photos were brilliant n sweet n excessive n there were def a few of u bare n freshly fucked (pardon my french) w the Parisian skyline out the window behind u, the morning like shining thru ur messy hair like a halo,, but there were also many of him from the perspective of u kneeling over him n many more of both of u playfully holding up the tower or picnicking in front of a cathedral w u plucking at ur guitar or him w a bottle of wine at his lips

It was all v picturesque n romantic n perfect n u thought he deserved nothing less n he thought the same for u ::""))

U spent about 4 weeks there together n he had throughly used his time to fuck u in every way possible n use every toy u brought with but then it was suddenly time to go home n u were concerned about eugene being back on the boat but he seemed less nervous when u got on n he admitted to feeling a lot better after the first trip n this time he actually went out w u n u played board games w other passengers n danced in the halls n sang w the cabaret n he still sunbathed n napped n made love to u n wrecked ur cabin n u still listened to all ur radio shows n drew n sang but ur lives felt more full somehow after this experience

Oh n u def showed off everything u had bought is Paris n as much as he loved that silk dress on u he loved peeling it off u even more ;;;)))

He rly did feel better when u were finally home to ur little cottage for the first time together as a globetrotting married couple ::"")) he felt better that he hadnt handled it nearly as bad as hed expected n urs n his trip abroad left u feeling loved n cultured n more experienced in life plus u both had taken a huge chance n now u were better for it n felt more capable n confident that he was getting better n it was an affirmation that u would take care of him n that u would always be there for him, just as u had said in ur vows ::""))

He was happy to consummate ur new marriage in ur own bed for the first time tho lol n on top of that gr8 feeling it was just gr8 that he felt less held back w u there w him especially after the boat experience

So yeah a quick note I rly do think he would be terrified of ever stepping foot on a boat again n would refuse it n be vvv adamant about not doing it again for a vvv long time but I think he could be worn down n would EVENTUALLY be ok w it but maybe not this fast n tho I dont feel like I go into much detail here he def has a hard time on the boat as well like hes just agitated the whole time n probably was prescribed some medication for it if just some motion or sea sickness meds n maybe anxiety but i would say it prolly makes him drowsy so hes kinda out of it which keeps him calm but doesnt stop certain flashbacks n maybe he lashes out n hurts someone once in a while cus it's incredibly traumatic returning to that environment but anyway yeah he would be v fidgety n not like it but in this scenario hes willing to take a chance given how well hes been recovering n how much he trusts u n how much u have helped him n the option had pull so that's why but rly I dont think irl he would have gone back on a boat anywhere near that soon but this is romantic fiction so ::))

Also I have a v specific image of who eugene is w if u cant tell lol so I'm sorry for that specificity but I'm so whipped for him n his gal I lov sm I hope u enjoy n guys I'm so motivated to finally write out the storyline I have for him I'm gonna finally get out his fic ok I promise

[themeed]

well i managed to crawl out for a month but uh. last night was a big trigger fest.

went to my friends with another friend. they complimented me on my weight loss and said it was obvious i had lost a shitton. (which. like 20 pounds, yeah, i... guess thats a lot but its not Enough).

other friend struggled w ed in middle school. their mom made some Comments recently and now they're uncomfy and they asked about weight loss. friend we were visiting said they could stand to lose maybe 15 or 20 pounds if they wanted, but they certainly dont qualify as fat.

which. is the same amount as they congratulated me on.

we all compared body types and fat content. comments on our thighs and stomachs and backs and chests.

and i am now. wearing my comfort hoodie. watching youtbe. dissociating. ive had 630 calories today because i know i cant restrict super hard so fast. i smiled this morning after skipping dinner and waking up hungry, that lovely hunger that aches but doesn't hurt. you know you could eat but you're not Hungry hungry even if you can feel your empty stomach. its... a good feeling.

im gonna have a sandwich and some ice cream for my second and final meal for the day and itll probably be some... 430 cal, ending around 1060 for the day.

gods. i want to go to sleep. i want to lie down and waste away.

on the way home a song from my mental loop playlist came on. then one from a self harm perspective. my friend and i listened to an anxiety vent playlist. scream sang the whole way. it didnt help. made it worse?

maybe.

im not doing so hot. im worried about my job status too. and rent and my dads birthday.

i think im gonna go pass out. this totally counts as my journal for the new List Of Organization.

i pasted it on my freezer fridge door.

ive made progress recently, in terms of philosophy and uncovering and understanding my issues. responsibility and suicidal thoughts and attachment issues and how much im hurting and have been hurt and dissociation as a coping mechanism for mental and emotional abuse and then as an anxiety mechanism too. and to cope with school and the boredom and not being able to do what i want and the lack of freedom.

i dont know if ill ever get to the point where i uncover why i hate not being free in my own definition. like thats such a core part of who i am and i am terrified of that being rooted in abuse. if i dont value freedom who am i? but also... i think ive always valued freedom. i think how i approach it has changed. when i was small i didnt care about the opinions of others and their actions or anything. but here i am now caring a Lot. and part of that is... in later elementary, from then on, peoples opinions and words started precluding actions that infringed on my routines and worldview. and then it scaled into full on abuse by my mother. words started mattering a whole FUCKING lot, and actions as well. words had to be careful, actions could be covered up with the right motive and words. a tool for power and put downs. and i hated it and feared it.

and when i started fearing others, noticed how i wasnt free to Be anymore... i started panicking and dissociating and i couldnt handle NOT being me so i stopped.

i stopped being me because i couldnt stand to see me destroyed or warped or killed by the spirits of envy and hatred all around me.

that makes it sound so poetic, but i was scared and it was terrible and awful and scary. and i cant say i regret it because im still not me.

ill never be the same me again. im not even fully me of now.

freedom is. so important to me. it sucks that that was put in jeopardy. that a singular sun in my world was destroyed on someone else's whims, for someone else's COMFORT. as if the mind of child is something okay to smother when they disagree with you.

fuck that. i hate her. i hate this. i hate that this happened. i hate that im not me. i cant hate myself. i cant even be myself and i hate that fact its frustrating.

im making progress but i dont know if i can even hit a point where i comfy enough to be me. if i can reach an understanding with the others and stope fearing. if theyll ever stop being frustrated with me long enough for us to effectively communicate. if we can. if its fair for me to expect or ask explanations for emotions and rules. if its okay. if ill ever be okay again.

im crying now.

im gonna get some water and curl up.

just asked that we all have access to this journal here in the system. i.

im scattered. hey, more progress ig.

insight, at least.

i need a therapist but i dont know if im willing to trust someone with all of these innermost thoughts and ideas and the backstory. i dont know if i can trust a strangers judgement.

what if they call me a liar and call it a day?

yea we can just move on and find a new therapist. it will hurt though. leave us with more issues. devastating to be invalidated by someone with a license. like yea the system has issues and all and you cant guarentee people dont have bias or are otherwise a good fit or even fit for the job every time. it still sucks that i have to go into this with that uncertainty. it makes it harder and easier, i think, to know that. therapists are imperfect, theyre people just like you and me. i just. thats more comforting than i thought it would be. i thought realizing they were professionals meant like. their word has to be taken as holy or some shit. no it doesnt theyre people. theyre trained, but quality control is questionable and bias is extensive and training is sometimes pretty niche. i need to look for someone specifically trained in like. 4 or 5 things. like. anxiety, depression, borderline, osdd/did, autism, add/adhd, possibly ocd, and DEFINITELY cptsd. i dont know what exactly i have but i know i have more than one and i kinda need to work through a shitton and find out whats UP. seriously. i might need medication. id like to try cbt/dbt first and work on integration/personal identity first. but holy SHIT.

im not mentioning ed beyond In The Past if i can help it ahfjfsgkf. like ed i have in hand. i know its a way to feel in control because im afraid of the world and also to approach the body i want, fulfill society standards in a way i wish i didnt care at all about but i do care at least a little despite my denial, and to combat dysphoria/prepare for top surgery.

gods above. im kinda fucked up huh. like more at once than i think is possible and i might be giving myself more issues if i dont handle my new job in a healthy way.

fuck.

anyway. yeah. im back. im not better than ever but im making progress. todays a bad mental health day so far. i want to lose another 10 pounds before i see a therapist just in case. if they say i should try losing weight i am going to glare flatly and absolutely spill how much ive lost but not the timeline or ed habits. but yknow. 165 or so before starting? puts me solidly in the Chubby At First Glance But Not Super Overweight category.

me and my friends also tried to weigh my tits the other day. kitchen scale and leaning down put them at 4.5 lbs each, theyre big enough to try, but thats probably an understimation by like, 40% just by sheer volume. thats like. 10, 15 pounds minimum of boob weight. i want it gone. gone. away please. off my body. no tits or an A cup. and an A cup is highly unlikely so full top it is.

gods. okay ive gone on long enough im going to get water and lay down now. im still dissociating pretty heavily.

[stormaggeden]

12/23/17 , 3:40 am

I listened to an acoustic version of a happy song. It sounded like the end of a sad movie, where the protagonist has finally come to terms with the fact that they will die soon from a terminal illness and that they are going to live life to the fullest. The camera has a very soft well lit, almost over exposed ethereal look. Sun beams dance through fall leaves, signifying beauty in the end of life. Flowers blow softly in the wind and soft clouds slowly roll by. Protag laughs and jokes with friends. The sun sets and they look a lil sad but they sigh as if they are readying themselves. They linger in the door frame, and the shot fades as the door closes.

Sometimes, well lately anyways... Ive felt like that. Like Im resigned to my sadness, that Im going to try and live life although its terrible. And the thing is, Im not even living life to the fullest. Im just resigned. I try to tell myself Im young and things could change, get better. But everyday feels worse, I feel worse, I look worse. Everyday I give up a little more, and I dont know how long until I give up completly. I used to be very suicidal, but I was so afraid I never did anything. Im not saying Im going to kill myself.. just... that sometimes it looks like the better option.

I just, dont have anything to live for anymore. I cant hold down a job and my debt is inescapable at this point. It will control and haunt me the rest of my life. I have no friends, well none that talk to me or I can see. I have my Mom, and my sister who has moved away. I love my Mom, but shes in the same place I am. And feeling her depression just makes me feel more hopeless. Like we are both doomed to this progressing hell.

I want to escape. But everything I try backfires and makes me feel worse than I did before. Exercise hurts, alot. My back gets worse and Ill never recover. I try to make friends, and no one wants to be my friend. Im to weird and awkward. No one cares if I exist. I tried dating. No one really wanted to talk to me. And the one person I thought I was hitting it off with stopped talking to me out of the blue. And jobs... I get so much anxiety and pain. I cant seem to do anything. Simple jobs I can do, jobs with very little people interaction. But they dont make a lot. Further solidifying my debt for eternity. And whats worse is that the debt is tied to my Mom, so I cant just not pay it. Itll affect her.

Im doomed. I feel like Im stuck in a personalized hell. One that other people would say was not that bad or actually great. But for me, hell. I feel like I lose myself everyday. A little bit of me dies and soon I'll be nothing. Just a sad shell of what used to be.. me.

I used to be happy. I cant even remember what that feels like. Sometimes I laugh and almost have a good time, but its like Im on the edge of happiness. Almost there, but not close enough. I always feel dejected, disconnected. I feel like a person watching things happen from a screen. Food isnt enjoyable. I cant sleep well, everything is uncomfortable. Im always in some sort of pain. Breathing is laborous. I cant seem to make a real smile. Sometimes I see my Mom's face. She looks so sad, disapointed. She needs someone to be there for her. She needs someone to be happy with her. And Im never happy. And so shes alone and sad and sad for me. And I feel like there isnt anything I can do. I dont know how to feel happy anymore. I dont know how to be there for her. I just want to hide away and die in my sleep. I dont want real life anymore. Even my cats seem different. Like they are sad about me. Like I dont pet them the same way or something.

Im a disappointment. I am nothing. I am cursed and haunted and bound to this mortal world by immaterial concepts. I want free. I want to feel something. I want someone to care about me. Want to see me. Like seeing me. I dont want to feel this way anymore. Someone, please. Help me.

[floramodus-archive]

==> Flora: Confess

floramodus raddddia i know im like

floramodus half hammered and the past 24 hours hasnt helped me much as a mentally stable individual but you know what? fuck it man i love you and not in a friend way though you are! one of my closest friends i just i love you alot romantically youre a hellfire in the arctic and i love you

tlmetravel im sure you think you do, sweets its the alcohol im not angry at you for relapsing, as a side reminder for later need help sobering up?

floramodus i need help for you to take me serious for once.

tlmetravel i am

tlmetravel im very serious about you needing to sober up

floramodus im already half sober because dean hasnt let me have anymore since he got home the point is: im not saying anything because im drunk. im not clinging to you because im drunk. i just had to watch my fiancee die, again, in full detail. im not saying these things out of of my ass, aradia, i love you.

tlmetravel you had to see that? on valentines day?

floramodus i made a choice to find the answer and i did, timing aside.

tlmetravel im proud of you for it im also sorry you had to see it oh, my poor girl, how you must feel happiness absent so strongly

floramodus ///I HATE HER MOIRA

tlmetravel //:)c

floramodus your avoiding the main topic and at this point i want dean to leave so i can go get moonshine because whats the point aradia. whats the point in dancing around it instead of telling me cold turkey? what do you gain from seeing me falter

tlmetravel im not trying to dance around it so much as give you the opportunity to take it back once youre more clear headed

floramodus thats almost painfully hilarous?

tlmetravel why is that?

floramodus because once again you arent taking me serious and i knew it would be this way for months. i knew sober or drunk youd find a way to make me regret speaking

tlmetravel im sorry if i have im just not sure what you want me to say

floramodus is it worth pursueing or am i barking up the wrong tree?

tlmetravel you have such a penchant for making yourself unhappy youve already dealt with enough serious, life altering topics think you might want to give it a rest before tackling this one give yourself a break

floramodus love in general? or love with you?

tlmetravel love in general is life altering

floramodus guess what! cock a doodle do my life is altered always! thats how we exist! thats how we keep sane! if you want to say no thanks than do it aradia ive been through worse.

tlmetravel you have thats why im not letting you have this discussion right now or make it into something trivial this is a battle for another day go to bed, flo

floramodus im not sleeping till you give me an answer i can sleep with

tlmetravel you are so endlessly cruel to yourself

floramodus i can sit on this couch all night and all day and die again and gain radia.

tlmetravel you do realize youre just proving my point

floramodus i dont care ///i typed that so loud every dog in my moms house just went off

tlmetravel regardless, im not what youve mistaken me for, flo im just happy and i think you just want to be happy too you have the right to be, at any rate //fck

floramodus just say it ///FUCK THEI R SCREAMING AND I PRESSED ENTER BUT ANYWAY

tlmetravel are you really so deluded as to think that just because /you/ dont care, the rest of us get a free pass as well? that well turn a blind eye to your safety breaches just because you throw a tantrum? you have /got/ to stop doing this to yourself you have /got/ to stop treating your life and everything in it with this kind of dangerous levity so no! you arent getting an answer! youre not getting anything until you tuck yourself in and let yourself /rest/ before taking on any more

floramodus ///I THOUGHT THat said fuck

tlmetravel //let dolly say fyck

floramodus well i guess this couch will be cozy while i sit here awake for as long as it takes

tlmetravel you will Not use your well-being as emotional blackmail not against me dave might let you and the rest of your friends might but you dont get to press on my moral values because /i have none/ and you will sit, and you will rot, and it will be for nothing at all

floramodus ///tfw aradia even makes me, the mun, feel like a piece of shit i love her

tlmetravel until you realize its pointless and let yourself out of this cage youve built out of whatever survivors guilt you brought back with you

tlmetravel //shes amoral and ppl forget and I love

floramodus you may have no moral values but ill tell you what i have thats less than that? the fucks i give about my place in the universe. i spent 7 years of my life questioning my existence to lose that existence and you know? i dont fucking care anymore. my life is mine to burn ///i like how u posted that and i sent the same screenshot 2 seconds earlier to joseph cause im living

tlmetravel //do u know how. pissed shed be at dave if she knew he let her go through w those amputation experiments?  not v much bc shes incapable of being angry at him but shed Want to be and I,

floramodus ///asdfghjk

tlmetravel you dont get to play with fire just because you dont know what to do with yourself. you dont get to use your own life as a punching bag for your whims you dont get to keep expecting for these bridges to go up in flames when so many of us love you you dont get to look at love and call us stupid

floramodus i never even said any of you were stupid

tlmetravel then why do you keep treating us like we are

tlmetravel like well let this slide if youre loud enough

floramodus im not treating you guys anymore than the best i can ! its not my fault you take my life so personal! what do expect of me? to sit in a goddamn corner and suckle vitamins for the rest of my immortal days?

tlmetravel youre our /friend/! itll always be personal for us

tlmetravel wed destroy anyone who hurt you but, to our great despair, the only one keen on hurting you is /you/

floramodus im not hurting myself im doing what nature and common sense dictate

tlmetravel oh thats rich no, you are purposely doing what hurts you the most out of whatever misguided sense of survivors guilt but guess what none of it will make you feel better and it sure as Hell doesnt make us feel good

floramodus guess fucking what! the clouds told me bec lives! im doing something right with my life! even if i have to cleave my goddamn skull in!!! two!!!

tlmetravel youre making accomplices out of innocent people by not letting them help

floramodus you arent scientists. you arent magicians.

tlmetravel you are actively tying their hands behind their back because they love you too much to tell you any of this i dont care, flora and i dont pretend to and i wont pretend to just the same as you so blatantly dont care about /my/ good friend, i dont care about yours i dont give a flying fuck if your dog lives

tlmetravel non gratum anus rodentum it only matters to us because it matters to you

floramodus ///the acid fucking crashed my laptop

tlmetravel and your high-brow, dr frankenstein, 'oh im a scientist you wouldnt understand' act is not pulling the wool over anyones eyes youre self destructive bec just gives you an excuse to con us out of doing anything about it //God ™

floramodus //im not responding until tumblr boots back up cause she is nuclear moira

tlmetravel //good im not saying you dont honestly care for bec im saying he also doubles as a handy excuse

floramodus so what do you expect me to fucking do. how do you expect me to react to you saying the last goal i have in life is just that, a worthless goal. do you expect me to be gratify? do you expect to graciously bow to your ancient wisdom and sit in a bumbo and learn how to be "healthy" again for the sake of comfort.

tlmetravel yes

floramodus your goddamn right im self destructive i wont hesitant to tear my self apart for any goal worth it what are you gonna do about it? be content your fucking right? humanity believe a nuclear bomb would kill us all but that didnt stop them and it wont stop me

tlmetravel or you could just treat yourself as a tool, a means to an end, because god forbid you see yourself as a person, because you /know/ deep down that how you treat yourself? isnt how you should treat a person humanity really isnt the pinnacle of reason nor does humanity interest me, were talking about /you/

floramodus im human in theory but guess what? im not a person. im a god, a means of survival

tlmetravel does that flawed rhetoric make you sleep at night at least? because i really wish it would

tlmetravel because its good for absolutely /nothing/ else

floramodus i wasnt put on this earth to be comfortable ive been living in gunpowder since i was 6

tlmetravel you really dont want to start a sob story competition with me trust me you know why id be afraid, if you did love me?

floramodus despite my urge to tell you to shove it back in the textbook you crawled out  of ill play your game. why

tlmetravel because youd put me above yourself and im historically against pedestals its a frightening thing to love someone who would damn herself in a second without looking over her shoulder death doesn't just happen to you, icarus, it happens to everyone around you your wounds are not just your own though they sting you most

floramodus icarus had one life. i have infinity

tlmetravel i dont care each one of your lives is as precious to us as if it were your last just because you /can/ doesnt mean you /should/ by all means, go on with this madness, tear yourself limb for limb if your heart is really in it just dont expect me to be quiet about it in fact, place no expectations on me at all hellfire, you called me hellfire, indeed

floramodus let he who has the match wick the bridge in flames