t/a rambles 1
back on my bullshit part 1
... should look into the tactics ogre games for novel inspo
bc my novel is also a political drama
... UNINTENTIONALLY
actually id call it a coming of age story in rhe new adult genre
since mc is probably 23-25
i have so many feelings about the novel ugh
i love my ocs so much and i put them all om opposing sides for this novel
the most complex relationship i have in it i think is alex and his mother
or rather prince kreutzer in this au
queen elaine and her son prince kreutzer .. god its so fucked up bc kreutzer loves his mother- he was largely isolated as a child and his mother was always so loving and sweet and they were so so close
but the prince never knew of the shit his mother did as queen
she is a tyrant
she must have lost a child once. a princess, i think
probably to the king who she may have ... overthrew or usurped maybe but regardless of that shes in power now
and because she lost a child she became overly protective of kreu
and consolidated her power
heard of a plot to infiltrate her kingdom and assassinate the son of the previous tyrant king (?) and she just
fucking ruled with an iron fist because she has so little trust in the goodness of people
that she thinks the only way to achieve good is to force it
and as a result she kills anyone who steps out of line thus making the people resent her deeply
but to kreutzer shes his mother
his loving and doting mother who does all she can to protect him
the novel actually starts um
after the queen is assassinated
h a
its not her story but shes a big part of it even after her death bc a big portion of the theme is like
coming to terms with the complexity of individuals
no one is all good or all bad
and kreu starts out unable to understand this
he has a very black and white view of moralitt like his mother at the beginning
on his coronation day theres an assassination attempt made on him but he gets whisked away by the court jester
after that a coup is staged and rebels take over the country
and the prince is forced to hide with a traveling circus that the jester brings him to
where every performer... is a fugitive or criminal!
and thats where his personal growth really begins bc
he learns abt these people and realizes
his world view was wrong
people are complex
people do bad things... for just reasons
and vice versa
esp Keith who makes a major appearance in the novel
his entire bg story takes place outside the novel as well hahaha but its a lot
after a raid on his village, hes orphaned along w his little sister who is ill
so to make ends meet / buy medicine he does literally every fucking crime under the sun
starting off with petty theft and scaling up to murder
literally sacrificing every last shred of innocence he has
for the sake of his ailing sister
who... dies anyway!
and im thinking, tbh, its a fantine/cosette/thenardiers type sitch where this quack doctor is basically scamming him
except instead of fantine dying cosette does
anyway
thats where he fucking hits rock bottom
he could handle things as long as he had someone to fight for you know
he was alright with it bc his sister was there, his saving grace
but when she dies hes all alone
thats probably when lydia finds him
i imagine he would he on the verge of suicide
or at the very least dying of self imposed starvation and neglect
but honestly probably suicide
julie's death on top of the crushinf weight of all the crimes hes committed
the innocence he lost, the lives he took
its just way too much and hes just a naive kid
lydia finds him and takes him back to the circus
takes care of him gives him food and water and shelter and slowly
tries to reach him
slowly teaching him that there is still life to be lived
that he is so young, and it is far too soon for him to lay down and die
that he should live for his dead family, because that is what they would want
to keep their memory alive in his heart
and he begins to come around slowly
starts doing chores for the troup
then he finally sees one of their performances
acrobats and the trapeze and the glitz and the glamor
its the first time in years where he ... wasnt thinking about his dead sister or his trauma
he asks lydia to teach him how to "do that"
he says while pointing at the stage
and so she does
and ever since then hes taken up performing full time as a .. daredevil type act
doing outrageously dangerous things for the thrill of it
it excites him, the risk
he loves to see how close to the edge of death he can walk without falling
and it fuels him
makes him enjoy being alive again
and he's.. happy
god
by the time you meet keith in the novel he's just this happy go lucky teen with this smugness about him
a kind of dangerousness belying a sweet exterior
he's all jokes and laughs at this point and you'd never be able to tell what he went thru at first glance
or at all really
bc honestly, at this point he honest to god is okay
lies and dirt - Last Thursday at 6:00 AM
he... doesnt need anyone's pity. he doesn't need anything but the feeling of being alive now
and one of the major points of the novel is prince kreu's relationship with him... bc at first they really clash and kreu is just... he's a fucking criminal and all of then deserve to hang
keith plays this off w jokes at first but kreu keeps being antagonistic bc he just cant believe a criminal like him is getting away without punishment
but then one day keith snaps at him
knife to the prince's throat dangerous, cat like eyes, the usual smile on his face no where to be found
you're right. i'm a thief. a liar. a criminal. a murderer. i'm all those things.
but i'll tell you one thing, prince: i'm not worthless.
he pulls the knife away and walks off leaving the prince stunned
after this lydia talks to kreu
explaining that maybe he shouldn't judge keith so quickly
hinting that the circumstances of his life were... not ideal
when i first found him, he was already half dead. perhaps not physically, but in the eyes. you could see the reaper in them.
hhmgmgn i need to think more abt the circumstances around this scene
ah
keith must have been looking for a good place to die
the music from the circus reminded him of better days, when he played songs with his family. i imagine him.. outside the tent, somewhere obscured and there's music flowing from its interior... he's tired. he sits down against a barrel and he's been starving, exhausted... letting sleep take him away on the songs from the circus back to a time he used to be happy...
lydia fines him and shakes him but his eyes look glassy and he's unresponsive
he's taken poison
must have been something from his former days working as an assassin
something he saved for himself just in case
and that's when lydia takes him in and nurses him back to health
she's a water mage w healing capabilities so she's able to do it
and i imagine at first keith is
hurt, angry
why am i still alive?
i
im fucking myself up in the feels
i hate this THIS ISNT EBEN IN THE FUCKINF BOOK
IT ALL HAPPENS BEFORE IT
KEITJS NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER HERE
BUT IM SO FUCKED UP
ugh
after kreutzer learns a bit abt keiiths origins he
actually thinks a lot. and tries to make amends. apologizes to keith
who doesnt say anything much
he's sitting, eyes away from the prince, fiddling with the knives he uses for his performances
"a raid took my parents away. illness took away my sister."
"i did a lot of things for money. most of it i'm not proud of. but i would have done anything to save her... you know?"
"you've got someone you love too, don't you?"
kreutzer thinks of his mother. the surrogate brother who disappeared on him and never returned
"i do."
"then, you get it."
after this they start to really bond almost as siblings.. which is really funny bc kreutzer doesnt need to be protective of keith
keith can MORE THAN take care of himself
but its new for kreutzer to feel.. responsibility for someone else like this
he was always the one protected before
keith laughs at this a lot
what're you trying to do? be my big bro?
but secretly he
...really likes having family again
as idiotic as kreutzer is
ofc lydia has always been there for him but as a surrogate mother
an older sib is new
and.. kind of nice
in canon modern au they really are basically bros LOL
actually cousins via mothers
but alex/kreu goes to live w keiths family after his mom (lain) dies
so they essentially grow up like brothers
i didn't even get started w the fucking mess that is alan and kreutzer
alan goes by calisto also and
he
hes the court jester but he was trained from a young age as a snake in the kings court
he was supposed to kill the prince when the time was right
but alan and his dumb fucking gay ass
FALLS IN LOVE WITH HIM INSTEAD
spoiler alert: its unrequited
btwn alex and alan is NEVER requited
in ALL aus
its because alan ... doesnt love himself at all. he has no sense of... purpose or identity
alex can never love someone like that
but either way he becomes the prince's personal servant and entertainer and
this idiot falls for him
the naivete he displays, the timid stateliness, the unfitting title of prince bestowed on his shoulders- kreutzer is far too soft to be the leader of this kingdom and alan increasingly has the desire to protect him
even as kreu grows older and more skilled in his studies there is always the anxious trepidation
they also grow up together from around ages 11-present at the time of the novels start
god alan loves him so much it hurts me
but its so one sided
alex loves cyrus in modern au ):
alan could never be more than just a phase tbh
poor guy
alan and his low self esteem and depression
the worst part of this thougg is that
because alan feels aimless and without purpose
when he falls for kreutzer he ... finally has his OWN cause to fight for
and he
takes it to the extreme
betraying everyone that trusted him to do his job for the sake of a man who wont ever love him
it bites him in the ass too
bc i kill him off as a catalyst for other stuff h ahahahhahahahahahahaha
not just kill him off but horribly
because HE FUCKING BETRAYED HIS ENTIRE SIDE
THEY ARE, UNDERSTANDABLY, PISSED
Alan is so fuckong flawed
hes a fuckinf mess and i love it
ugh
im thinkijg of another scene in the novel
once kreutzer gets captured bt the coup
rebels
he actuallt submits himself voluntarily bc keith gets kidnapped and used as ransom
keith tells him hes a fucking idiot
keiths life doesnt matter
dont fucking come for me!
but kreu doesnt listen obviously
and they torture kreutzer bc i love suffering and
after that
they make him listen in a mock trial
to the testimonials of all the people hurt by his mother
death to the queen! death to elaine of koel!
all the horrible stories of lives unjustly cut short because of his mother
it breaks him
because he loves his mother so much
but she's done all these
horrible things
he doesn't know what to do
how to make amends
the damage was done
and he takes their wrath
their scorn and anguish and
i'm sorry
as if sorry could ever fix anything
but it is his burden to carry, his punishment to suffer in place of the queen
ironically this makes lilya have a change of heart
she was infiltrating the queens court just as alan did
and she is directly responsible for her death
her assassination, i think
or the king's? either way
shes part of the rebel forces and she DESPISES the queen
good fucking riddance as far as she's concerned
that woman made her life hell(edited)
so she can rot in it for all lilya cares for
but seeing kreutzer there
bloodied tortured sobbing broken and taking the punishment doled out to him without so much as a word of protest(edited)
she thinks...
this... isnt right
this is wrong.
because kreutzer was not responsible for the sins of his mother
as much as people want to blame him, take out their anger on him
lilya was at first all gung ho about ending the royal bloodline
lies and dirt - Last Thursday at 7:02 AM
but she reconsiders this moment
feels something tugging at her
this isnt right
she remembers her sister back at the circus— lydia. who she always loved dearly but clashed with, leading to her abandoning the circus and joining the rebellion.
retribution is deserved, but should it be served? what then makes us different from our oppressors?
or sth like that
so she rescues kreutzer
takes him back to the circus.
and reunites with her sister after so many years
after that ik not entirely sure what to do w the novel LOL bc i know there has to he a big battle bc
the rebellion forces begin to quell opposition
like how the communist regime in other countries started in ernest bc people felt oppressed but then they went too far and started culling the middle class
so then kreutzer leads his own rebellion force against them to take back the country
then
once he wins he uses his kinghood to
dissolve the monarchy
and embrace democracy instead
asking lydia to lead
hes much too tired to lead, and she is much better suited for it
but hm inhabe to think more about that entire segment
after this he takes over lydias spot in the circus as its owner and organizer and with keith he spends the rest of his days helping people just like keith
also they properly mourn alans death
it takes forever for kreu to come to terms w his mothers assassination and crimes
he probably never truly works it out
but he begins to be able to recognize that she is both the tyrant queen and his loving mother
that they do not cancel eachother out, that they are not mutually exclusive
they are one in the same
UGH IM SO UPSET
I WISH ID FUCKING WRITE THIS BC I WANT TO FUCKING READ IT
the message i wanna convey is like
people.. are complex, imperfect, and the systems they create are also subjected to that
but everyone does things for a reason. no matter what that reason is
and i want lydia to address this too when she becomes the new prime minister of koel
a democracy is not perfect, because man is not perfect. there will be hardship, mistakes made along the way. but together we can grow, improve, and learn about one another— and better our society for it. and i believe anywhere injustice goes, justice will always follow(edited)
sth like that ig
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