#it was one song and mothers of the disappeared isn't even one of my favorite u2 songs | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

two-person-job · 4 months ago

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hey guys i've added to this playlist so. time for part two!

@lexisism @milk-violet @floraldresvi AND OUR NEW ADDITIONS @camvrin and @ilyuu-archive <3

have fun! :)

nahoko (i miss you) - joe hisaishi

you KNOW I have to put kavexis. it's from the wind rises!! aka the most kavexis core movie I've ever watched!!!!! ugh I love this song and its title so much. there are a bunch of songs on the soundtrack that start with "nahoko" and they all have different things in parentheses. the encounter, her destiny, a rainbow, the proposal, I miss you, an unexpected meeting, and together are all of the songs that start with nahoko. (btw. alexis = nahoko for this) I'm such a sucker for symbolism, and I ADORE what you can say about these song titles. they are about nahoko to their core. everything about them is nahoko, but each one is a different part of the feelings attached to her. and this song in particular isn't just "wistfully gazing out of a window" it is stressed because jiro (kaveh) is stressed. he's trying to get to his lover, to his fiance, because she is sick. because he wants her to be well. because he misses her. nahoko, I miss you.

transparency - small crush

with great joy, I say zagreis!! transparency is one of my favorite songs. and with the enough I know of hades lore, let me ramble: (also!! spoilers for the supergiant game Hades ahead!!)

"I never knew how hard it could be / to stop talking with your tongue between your teeth / to feel real you must say what you mean / if you wanna go somewhere" though zagreus has made it to see his mother many times before, he has been untruthful about all of his reasons to go back to the surface. whenever asked why he seems to be fighting with a renewed vigor, he simply says that he wishes to visit persephone again. and he knows that there is a chance the unfamiliar feeling he has found may simply disappear, he still decided to find out the long way. a fitting decision for a boy as stubborn as him. "quit acting so upset / it's all just in your head / that you'll end up in an empty bed / with even colder sheets" meanwhile, aléxios has not been well. they miss the mysterious man they met recently, and wonder when they shall see him again. they worry if he was hurt. if he doesn't want to see them anymore. if something else possibly happened to stop him from seeing them. and though he has never gone further into their house than the kitchen, their bed has a cold spot where another body would have been. "you are here with me / we got the whole world pinned to the sleeves of our jackets / that we wear in the fall" once more, they reunite. once more, they learn so little but so much about each other. once more, aléxios and zagreus converse at her kitchen table. and every time afterwards, they grow closer, and they grow together. they have every memory they've shared sewn into the fabric of their being. both of their lives have changed, and neither zagreus nor aléxios could be happier about that. "if life's full of feelings, then why not feel them all? / if life's full of beauty, then why not see it all? / if life's full of change, why be scared?" if they are to be together, why should they not make the most of it? zagreus only has a bit of time with his mother, and even less with aléxios; the food they prepare for him almost always being left half-eaten on his plate. but he doesn't mind, and neither do they, for time spent together is time spent together. and the moments they have are filled with beauty. they are made of love, and care, and the feeling of holding someone dear to you closely. and though zagreus changes, and though aléxios changes, they change together. and it is beautiful. "and open up your eyes / see your visions impaired by the dark / claim back your sight / see all of your thoughts come to life" when aléxios is with zagreus, they feel like she can finally be loved without any chance of consequence. they do the same for zagreus, who can't believe how much adoration was waiting for him on the surface. yes, he had all who had grown to care for him in the house of hades, but nothing like this. like the motherly care from persephone, and the unconditional love from aléxios. he is stunned. and he is happy. (sidenote: he 100% calls aléxios "my love")

sweet talk - saint motel

OLIJAX!! OLIJAX MY BELOVED!! specifically, childe pining after oliver and trying his very best for their attention. "you're probably not aware / that I'm even here / well you might not know I exist / but I don't even care!" he doesn't mind that oliver doesn't look at him, he can look at them!!! how amazing is that!!! "sweet talk / everything you say / it sounds like / sweet talk to my ears / oh you could yell / "piss off! won't you stay away?" / it'd still be / sweet talk to my ears" and then. seeing oliver isn't even the best part (it's tied for #1 tho). he gets to HEAR Oliver SPEAK. SOMETIMES TO HIM!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??? WOOWOWOOWOOWOW. simply thinking about Oliver makes him feel all fuzzy inside. like wowowow. they're so. wow. !!!! maybe one day he'll go on a date with them! how spectacular would that be?

good luck, babe - chappell roan

CHAPPELL ROAN!! anyways. shroomiya :}

i think yoimiya wouldn't be that exposed to non-heterosexual relationships, so she wouldn't really realize that you could date people of the same gender. and because i'm too afraid of ruining a relationship to confess to her, she doesn't realize that what she feels for me is romantic. she assumes that we're just!! really good friends!! for so long!! and so eventually, she finds a nice man to fall in love with, but it doesn't feel right. but that's ok, you can't have a perfect life, right? and eventually, that boyfriend becomes her husband, and I, her maid of honor. the months after her marriage become years, and we're still very close, and one day, yoimiya comes to me with a problem. it's nothing her husband did, no, but more what she is doing. she doesn't know what she is doing. but she does know that she doesn't feel right in her relationship, for some reason hidden to her. she still follows her passions, he is kind to her. he loves her, she helps take care of him. and nothing was wrong with it. that's why she came to me, to ask why. and I would tell her something like "love can be uncooperative, and that's not anyone's fault. if he doesn't feel right, then it's better to do something about that then to let those feelings simmer. and remember, yoi, I will always love and be here for you." those words wander about in yoimiya's mind for months afterwards, and once more, those months turn into years. and throughout those years, we drift apart. through no fault of ours, however, simply by us both being more busy. then it all gets to her when she wakes up next to her husband, in the middle of the night, with her head in her hands, and realizes that she is no more than his wife. not to him, but to her. she doesn't feel the same amount of love for him as he does for her. and she thinks about me, all of those years ago, and she hates to say it, but i told her so.

HOT TO GO! - chappell roan

im obsessed with a couple versions of this. 1. olijax where oliver is playing music and this comes on, and ajax does the dance without even thinking (oliver didn't know he knew who chappell roan is) (there was a long conversation afterwards). 2. mizuha with mirei teaching kazuha the dance :} "like this?" "nono, your arms go straight up. yeah, like that!!" it took 7 minutes but he finally found out how to do the h. wish him luck when he realizes that he has to make a g with his arms. (he tries to make the letters by himself before following mirei's instruction) 3. me and yoimiya doing the dance BUT trying to do it while we're holding hands (it failed but it was fun). 4. scarayui where yui is like "hey scara do you want to learn the hot to go dance-" "no" (he learned it later by himself in case yui asked again)

the ENTIRE waitress musical soundtrack

PLEASEEEE I NEED KAVEH AND ALEXIS TO WATCH WAITRESS TOGETHER!! kaveh will be sobbing by the end. he will say "I love you like a table" to Alexis SO MANY TIMES. they learn to make pies together.

also!! baivi!! watching waitress together!! ougghogugh!! vi you would cry watching it. I think that baizhu would make you a pie the next day and give it a strange name and your reaction made him ever more sure he married the right woman.

but HIGH SCHOOL BAIVI?? "it only takes a taste"! ugh I love the idea of baizhu being really awkward in adolescence. he knows what to say ("if pies were books / yours would be shakespeare's letters!"), but is often too nervous to say it and often messes up. (the intro when dr. pomatter is comparing jenna to a kind waitress he used to know and jenna's like "thank you?? ig???" because he basically said "yeah she's old and a nice waitress just like you" BUT HE ONLY MEANT THE NICE WAITRESS PART and it's so odufosdhgdg) I love the thought of baizhu first reaching out to vi, and it's endearing how awkward he is. but vi loves it, because it's him trying to talk to her. "she was sweet to me, reminds me of you." / "you remind me of her, but, better." also it's DOCTOR pomatter and DOCTOR baizhu so. it's perfect.

also. honestly? I feel like baizhu has an INTENSE appreciation for musicians. he finds musical actors especially impressive, being able to move around so much and have such intense vocal requirements for each song? this makes it so instead of watching musicals he more studies them SKHFKHDF. vi asks how he's liking the musical and he goes "the vocal ranges of the actors are incredible"

scarayui "when he sees me" but it's not yui as dawn, it's scara. "I stick with real things / usually facts and figures / when information's in its place I minimize the guessing games / guess what? / "what?!" / I don't like guessing games or when I feel things / before I know the feeling" idk!! it just reminds me of scarayui!! but also, when dawn lists off things that would scare her off, it's instead scara listing off the endearing things he's found yui doing. the entire song, instead of dawn trying to convince becky + jenna why she's scared to try dating, it's scaramouche trying to convince someone that he does not, in fact, care too much about yui (lies!!).

STOP I LOVE THE SHROOMSYM WITH NEVER EVER GETTING RID OF ME OK HEAR ME OUT!! so. the character singing this. oklahoma/ogie for short. he was never really taught how to love someone as a child, seen well in the lines "my only friend was a stray kitty / called sardine!" ogie does not know how to love like most people, but he tries his best for dawn!! which brings me to sym!! who is both alien and artificial intelligence. naturally, he does not know most of how the people he interacts with work, besides from what he's learned from our media. this could cause him to be both good with words and terrible at talking. just like how curtis from the studio ghibli movie "porco rosso" was exaggerated, because he was based off of hollywood films, I believe, sym would be. uh. slightly off at times. he'd definitely try his best to interact with people, he'd try his best. (canonly he is quite skilled with words, but I think it is also canon that he learned most about people from media so. this is what I've taken from that.) I adore the thought of sym saying something really out of pocket and me going "sym. what do you mean by that." and him responding with something like "I've seen that phrase frequently used by humans in movies, is it not as popular outside of them?" UGH I love him.

but to elaborate. sym is like "it's ok, i'll never leave you! you'll never be able to escape me, don't worry" and he means to be reassuring but some media that has a "i'll never leave you" scene/line is similar to never ever getting rid of me. in the sense of ogie is being strange in this song. like you can't deny that he is being kinda wacky. but he has good intentions!! "gonna do this right / show you that i'm not lettin go / i love you means you're never ever gettin rid of me / "when you say never?" / ohhh, you could try / ohh but i / i love you means you're never ever ever gettin rid of me!" that's strange but he's trying his best and his best is not that great sometimes. but that's ok because i love sym he's so everything to me :) <3

(unrelated but "you will still be mine" makes me sob my eyes out every time. ough. he had his six string and i had my own thing though he can't remember what it is. he wrote me love songs yeah i liked that sad one so he sang it all the time. what was that one line somethin bout sunshine he sang it every nightt. SJHFJKHD IM GONNA CRY)

a guy that i'd kinda be into - stephanie hsu + 'be more chill' ensemble + be more chill

KAVEXIS PANTALOVI OLIJAX HIGHSCHOOL AU DONT EVEN TALK T OMEEE ODUODGUUGOGUGHG

so!! SOO!!! soooooo!! here are the different things i've thought of.

kavexis: kaveh is very smart, but how I view him in high school aus is that he's trying his best, but not doing too great socially. he's just not good with talking to people yet ok!! and Alexis, a more popular/well known student has known him since 7th grade, and they are at the very least friendly with each other. every time that kaveh sees Alexis pass by, he's filled with.. desire. desire to be close to her, desire to be more than just a friendly acquaintance, desire to be more to her. and so he tries his best to be just that. he makes an effort to become her friend, much to some jealous others disdain, and it works! meanwhile, Alexis starts to find herself seeing kaveh as more than just the guy she's known since middle school. more than someone she's friendly with. more than just kaveh. but most importantly, she finds that kaveh has become, or maybe always was, just the kind of guy she'd be into.

mehrak as the squip (I know nothing about be more chill but this sounds right BAHAHAH)

pantalovi: OGUOSDGUDIGHDG. pantalone, stuck-up and self-adsorbed. vi doesn't care much for him, and this seems to be exactly why he started to care about her. vi tried to ignore his attempts at talking to her, but eventually, she decides to humor him. and then something changes. vi was sure that nothing would come of her finally responding to him, but she was wrong. she thought that she already figured him out, but soon realized she never really knew him that well. he's gone from a guy that she'd never possibly think about, to the one constantly on her mind.

olijax: no this is The guy that i'd kinda be into selfship. like.. yeah oli has known ajax for a while blah blah they're nothing special together. partners on a few projects (he's mesmerized every time they talk to him), passing each other in a few hallways (he takes the long route to see them), but nothing more (he wants everything more). but one school year ends, another starts. everything is the same, everything is the same, except for ajax. he's definitely changed. oliver can't tell if only they noticed, or if there even was anything to notice, but they still do. but there is one thing that oliver is certain of: the change, whatever it is, is not unwelcome.

all I need - small crush

"how could i ever stray away / from your kiss / and at the end of the day / you're the one i really do miss" ough.. this fits everyone tbh i really like small crush. but the ones this makes me think of the most is zagreis, baivi, and kind of olijax (not those lines in particular but more the rest of the song).

meet the plastics - I'm not listing off all of these names so. mean girls musical.

"myy name is regiiiina georgeee...... and i am a massivveeee dealllllll" i love you meet the plastics. also idk i think it'd be fun as like alexis as regina with her smart loser boyfriend kaveh. and then mirei as karen but not because of like the ditsy girl thing but because karen's actor needs a powerful voice and honestly her songs are a lot of fun to listen to. and and uh can i be gretchen :} and oli you are. you are. janice. mirei you're also cady btw. you're both karen and cady. yui if you want you can be karen when cady is also in the scene. and vi. you're that one scene between cady and aaron where he asks what the date is and it becomes cady's new favorite day. grool.

if only / if only (reprise) - stray gods soundtrack

:( UGH shroomsym where I become a gardener (sym is a gardener but not in the. he has a garden sense. but in exocolonist, they are a group that i believe are immortal? and are more connected with vertumna, the planet exo takes place on :) but it's NOT what I expected in the slightest and feel as if I ruined my life. all of my friends, all of my memories, would eventually be replaced by only sym + the other gardeners and only vertumna. which, I suppose, is ok for a bit, but what about afterwards? what about when i've seen all of the wonders of vertumna and done everything there is to do? that's scary. "within me there will always be / something left behind in shadow / I'm tethered to you, I'm free / I've known i've loved you / before we were grown / never alone" but that's ok. everything changes, and things will forever get more interesting. what's the harm of a bit more time with my favorite gardener while we wait?

also.. baivi stray gods au could be a lot of fun.. maybe angsty tho i'll have to decide which romance route baizhu would be like.

the rest of the mean girls soundtrack

mirei going "hey kazuha let's watch mean girls together!" and kazuha agreeing and then getting his life CHANGED (he really likes musicals now).

mirei I ADORE all of karen's songs. "sexy" is so much fun it's so <3 !! ough. "if I could change the world I'd make it Halloween! every single day! and also have world peace!" mirei as a ditsy girl who's actually really in control of herself just likes the role. my beloved.

mirei as cady is also a lot of fun. going back to what I said for the mean girls roles, i wasn't joking, mirei you COULD be cady.

i love the idea of Alexis having the same amount of power as Regina George and then having Kaveh as her boyfriend. he's some nerd who's constantly singing her praises, and she loves him. if Alexis wants to watch the world burn, kaveh will bring her the gasoline :)

percy jackson musical soundtrack

um the obvious answer is modern au zagrius of zag + aléxios watching it together because. greek mythos yk. zagreus would be VERY upset at how it's not actually greek mythos, it's simply using the figures to create a new story set in a modern era. but aléxios probably doesn't mind as much and so he calms down :)

idk why but I just. really like the idea of mirei and kazuha watching musicals together. kazuha: "I don't care for musicals" mirei: "let's test that theory" (if this feels wrong then just swap the names hdkfsdkj)

("'I was walking in the strawberry fields with charlie beckendorf! / and we were holding hands! / and then i kissed him and he started growing sunflowers everywhere' / look, kid! / i hate to be the one to tell ya! / but i think that charlie beckendorf was also holding hands with a NYMPH! / that doesn't wanna wish you well / to tell you the truth? / the best thign is to BREAK UP WITH THE GUY / 'but he loves me!' / HE LOVES YOU NOT! NEXT!" idk how accurate that is but i dont want to look up the lyrics. ugh i love that stupid song. another terrible day.. stuck with these runts in the muck and mud.. george salazar you are perfect)

mayonaka no door / stay with me - miki matsubara

i finally looked up the lyrics to this, it's about finding familiarity with someone and never forgetting the important things they do for you. you know what I have to say to that. baivi. just that statement in itself, I feel, is very representative of baivi. loving each other, and keeping it that way.

songs from the "boo, bitch" tv show soundtrack (paraphernalia by temples, medicine by dayglow, dead girl! (shake my head) by au/ra, AMERICAN GURL by kilo kish)

im going to sob. my favorite tv show. my beloved. I NEED to watch this with yoimiya. :(( ugh ok maybe it's really predictable maybe it's not good. but MAYBE it changed my life. maybe i've watched it five times. maybe it took me until my 4th time to realize that one of the characters put his friends faces over the actors on a fast and furious poster. ugh i love you boo bitch </3

sweetest - small crush

putting this as shroomsym because me adding this song to this playlist was a very personal choice. "you are the sweetest thing / you make my phone ring" i almost always have do not disturb on, and the settings make it so only a few people can actually make my phone vibrate when they text me. the line you make my phone ring means a lot to me in the sense of if you make my phone ring, it means i really love you. "every time i talk to you / feels like i am falling / more and more each day" every time i talk to him he finds a new way for me to fall in love. a new thing about him that makes him even more endearing. some things repeat every time i see him, some things are consistent, but he is ever-changing. "walking down the street / I saw you and you saw me / something just feels right / an unbreakable light / is shining on my face" sym only appears if you look for him. sym only appears if you want him to. i want him to. and so he does. i saw him after he saw me. "didn't know i could feel this way / didn't know i could feel this way / didn't know i could feel this way" didn't know i could feel this way.

assigning songs from my latest romance playlist to mine and my friends' selfships :}

@lexisism @milk-violet @floraldresvi

it got a lot longer than I thought. so. have fun! <3

best friend - laufey

kavexis or verali. definitely an alexis selfship. the parts that are more about how you're best friends reminds me of kavexis, but the parts that are lovingly insulting feels more reminiscent of verali

magnolia - laufey

this song is about yoimiya. or it's mizuha and it's kazuha thinking about mirei. a lot of this song feels more like poetry than lyrics?? which leads me to say that kazuha would hear it whenever he sees mirei.

death, thrice drawn - the scary jokes

baivi? verali? I can't really place this one. but. when I think selfships with lots of pining, baivi and verali come to mind!!

jeanine - the scary jokes

kavexis angst where both alexis and kaveh are feeling overwhelmed and end up kinda neglecting each other. with the line "love is just a name for you to call me by", this song talks about how though they are still acting in love, the feelings are starting to fade. it also goes into someone being emotionally absent, and not being vulnerable enough for the other. both people are stuck in a space between "I can't find time to talk to them" and "they can't find time to talk to them", and lots of conflicting "it's my fault/I shouldn't be to blame here" thoughts. one of the last lines is "just like the smote cedars in the yard, I have fallen so hard for you" which shows that yes, they are in love. yes, they adore their s/o. but. it's not a love that is gentle anymore, it's hard to live with and difficult to manage. very "I love you, but at what cost?"

starstruck - the scary jokes

this song has a permanent spot in my shroomsym playlist for a myriad of reasons!!!! firstly. sylvia is being depicted as a figure who shows enough to be admired, but never enough to be known. that's sym for a while!! and the entire song is just someone gushing and wondering about her.

no leverage / no pleasure - the scary jokes

scarayui because of the "I just can't have a normal heart" line and all that's added onto that. with all the scaramouche lore I know very little about, I believe this fits his character? loving, despite it being against his nature? but since yui isn't on tumblr anymore. this is actually really hard wait. this could lead off of the kavexis angst from "jeanine"?? i'll go with that dfjdjdfk

crushed out on soda beach - the scary jokes

shroomiya angst because. the first lines "I tried just burning the whole thing down today / but decisiveness is such a foreign tenant to my psyche" represents someone trying to break up with their partner, but being too indecisive to do so. later on in the song, it goes "you called my bluff / I love you too much / would you please stay with me? / cause after all is said and done / I want you here, stay with me!" this song is representative of wanting the end of the bad parts of a relationship, but not the good parts. it's about wanting the relationship you used to have, wanting to go back to when everything was normal and better than normal because it was beautiful. "I could hardly stand under the weight of my little crush on you" shows how much yearning can take a toll on someone.

bets against the void - the scary jokes

baivi angst this time. "these days your light beam penetrate / the sorrowed skin that i've been living in". baizhu's condition is getting worse, but vi and everyone else's love and care for him motivates him to try to be everything he could be. "but still I wait for piercing pain / i'll feel when your feelings fade / I feel so good today" he knows that all of the good he feels now is temporary. when vi's gone, or busy, or tired, or sick herself, he feels worse. but how is he supposed to push that onto her? when they both feel so good today, isn't that all that can really matter? "the sun is just a copper coin / I flip in bets against the void / imitating choice / 'til I feel good again / i'll keep them in a tin can / then i'll have copper coins to spend" baizhu's trying to find optimism in vi, in qiqi, in everyone who comes to bubu pharmacy, and he is, he really is, but it's getting difficult to find much more meaning in that optimism. he has all of the little memories from people he's known and loved and cared for, but he doesn't have much to do with them. "will you remember me / when our spirits scatter off?" will you remember him, when he can't remember you? when he isn't there? when he can't be everything you deserve? when he loses all he was? "I know I'm an artist / 'cause I just can't stand the thought / that a love as beautiful as ours / could be forgotten" he knows you'll never forget. and that's just why he wants you too. he wants you to be able to move on a live a life as amazing as it always was. but he also knows that you won't be able to do that. so he will make sure you remember your love as beautiful, and make sure to pass it on to everyone you continue to meet.

anata no koibito ni naritai - choo kyuu mei

MIZUHA!!!!! "koi ni ochite iru" THAT DAY I FELL IN LOVE! "kocchi wo mite yo!" LOOK THIS WAY! "choco yori amai! ondo de tokeru!" SWEETER THAN CHOCOLATE, YOUR WARMTH MAKES ME MELT! ik the translation is rough but!!!! KOI NI OCHITE IRU!!!! THAT DAY I FELL IN LOVE!!! KOIBITO NI NARITAI! I WANT TO BE YOUR PARTNER! I want to make a mizuha animatic of you two falling in love.. and being in love.. and that day you fell in love!

also dreszhu. though I know little about it, I like the idea of baizhu seeing dresvi and going "OMG SHES SO BEAUTIFUL" before regaining his composure lol

what will you leave behind (end titles) - max LL and maude plante-husaruk

spiritfarer is everything to me. BUT this song feels like shroomsym and baivi!! for shroomsym, sym is immortal. there is a way to become immortal with him! this song is about loss, about moving on, about grief, and about getting over it and learning how to lovingly remember instead of feeling constant grief. immortality comes with watching the death of all your favorite people, but the last line "but it's ok, we'll be together my friend" would be how sym would be there through it all.

with baivi though!!! baivi is the sort of couple that goes through and sees everything. they grow old together, watch friends come and go, watch relationships blossom and deteriorate, see the landscape around them shift and change, and learn every little thing they can, and more. they guide each other through every difficulty, every problem they may ever have. and they make their own world, out of love and beauty and patches of everyone and everything in their lives. baivi is a couple that grows old together.

hikouki gumo - yumi arai

kavexis. alexis gets to see all of kaveh's dreams up close, everything he wants and everything he does to reach those wants. hikouki gumo is the ending song of "the wind rises", about an aeronautical engineer (I think?) who falls in love with a woman with tuberculosis. though he stays with her as much as possible, she doesn't survive. however, they get to love in the most beautiful ways possible. they love in paper airplanes, they love in carefully-chosen gifts, they love in dropping everything to see each other, they love in spite of everything that encourages them not to. they love no matter what may happen. that's kavexis to me, passion and dreams and unconditional love. kaveh would do anything for alexis, and all she wants is for him to love her. "i've loved you since the wind brought you to me" is my favorite quote from that movie, and I think it suits kavexis :}

itsudemo dare ka ga - shang shang typhoon

sunvi? this is the ending song of "pom poko", and is playing during a lot of friends reuniting. I feel like sunvi is about never truly being apart, only in different places. this song talks about never forgetting the name of the people who loved you. sunvi is about remembering. remembering favorites and dislikes, anniversaries and birthdays, names and relations. everything that matters, and everything that doesn't. because if it's connected to someone you love, is anything really insignificant?

le temps des cerises - cora vaucaire

this is a song that plays in "porco rosso"! the woman that sings it in in love with the main character, though he feels as if he will never be good enough for anything. he has too much guilt about his past mistakes, and doesn't want anything bad to befall someone he cares about, so he stops caring. but she persists, and I think that's very reminiscent of a possible mizuha or pantalovi au. for mizuha, kazuha feels as if he isn't stable enough for relationships. also everything that happened with tomo, he doesn't want that to happen to mirei. but she doesn't care. all she cares for is kazuha, and that's what matters to her. slowly, she teaches kazuha that she loves him with all the risks he may see in being close to someone. as long as they get to be together, she'll be happy, and so will he. pantalovi has something similar, with how pantalone is in the fatui and all. how could that end up in safety for vi? how could he make sure she'd be ok? by not involving himself with her, is his first thought. but similar to mirei, vi is persistent! she will love freely! and he will have to learn to accept that. and he does, because he loves her. pantalone will make sure NOTHING bad ever happens to vi, who appreciates the sentiment, but once again similar to mirei, won't mind what happens as long as she is with him.

socks - out of luck

MY FAVORITE SONG FOR SHROOMIYA!!!! "what's up? how you been? / I wanna be so much more than friends!" lots of realizing you're in love and wanting to confess and not being good at telling someone you love them but trying anyways!! wanting to be with someone forever and never being forgotten and sharing things that only you and them know! yoimiya reminds me of giggling into pillows at a sleepover, and that's what this song also feels like!! failed confessions and flustered glances!!

i do adore - mindy gledhill

baivi. vi is so deeply in love with baizhu that him just asking her about her day makes her a blushing mess!!! they're different in so many ways, but not in a way that sparks argument, in a way of someone who's always cold has someone who's always warm!! they compliment each other in such a personal way, it feels as if they were made for each other!! no matter how many times vi fails at telling baizhu how she feels, or how much he means to her, he understands. he is able to tell by the absolute adoration radiating off of her, that all her words are laced with love.

sakura kiss - chieko kawabe

i put the ohshc intro on here because of who this playlist is about jhsdjh. but also mizuha kavexis and shroomiya are all couples who would shout these lyrics at a sleepover turned karaoke night. KISS KISS FALL IN LOVE!

pretty girl - clairo

high school au baivi, kavexis, and shroomiya. helpless girls + kaveh who'd do anything for their favorite person.

for baivi, vi would see him in the halls, and it'd start off as just a little hallway crush. but she'd find herself constantly looking for him, trying to find out what he likes, what he doesn't, who he's close with, who he isn't. she's writing him little love notes to stick in his locker, and though she's been found doing this by a multitude of people, none have told baizhu!! she thinks. one day, one day, she'll find the courage to tell him how she feels. (and one day, one day, baizhu will find the courage to strike up a conversation with you) this could also work with sunvi + pantalovi but I think it's cuter with baivi <3

for kavexis this song fills my brain with the image of kaveh in fluffy pajamas and looking at his phone, which has a message from alexis that says something like "thank you!!" and he's blushing because SHE saw worth in HIM and thinks that HE was worth not one, but TWO. WHOLE. EXCLAMATION POINTS!!! they might as well have gotten married already!!! kaveh is so hopeless and in love with Alexis, and thinks that she's so out of his league!! but she thinks the same about him. so they're both stuck in the pining stage with a VERY annoyed alhaitham.

for shroomiya. I would do anything for her!! I'll make her snacks!! this is affection in the form of simple acts of love that are filled with adoration, mistakes made to make someone laugh, and endearing habits belonging to someone you love. I could be her pretty girl!!!

kool - meet me @ the altar

honestly? kavexis. both of them think that the other is so cool! that the other should look in the mirror and think about how beautiful they are! both are such daydreamers, and could spend the entire day just thinking about the other. but they'd much prefer being with them, thinking about them is a good temporary substitute. pining and doesn't know the other feels just like them!!

cat serenade - beetlebug

MIZUHA MIZUHA MIZUHA MIZUHA!!!!! "I've never been the kind to fall in love / it's just me and a couple of fleas and that's all I want" HE NEVER WANTED TO STAY IN JUST ONE PLACE BUT IF IT MEANS ANOTHER DAY WITH YOU HED STAY A CENTURY! kazuha slowly realizes again what it's like to find a home not in a place but in a person, and finds himself imagining all the places he'll go with mirei. he'd go fishing with mirei. go to liyue with beidou and mirei. search for flowers for mirei. everything has mirei added on, and honestly? he doesn't mind. he could use a couple more years of his life, if it means those years will be with you.

honey jet coaster - nasuo and route BLUE - yuki nakashima and kawaii dake ja nai - nasuo

shikimori intro and outro. and the shikimori-themed song. that means baivi. highschool au baivi again where everything with vi or baizhu apart of it is beautiful! everything has to be about the other, and if it's not, then they'll find a way to make it!! every single thing baizhu does is endearing. every bite of food vi takes baizhu finds himself smiling at. ik I compare you to shikimori a lot vi but I think it would be reversed? like. yes ur like shikimori. but for the Cool Person/sweetie who's madly in love with the Cool Person dynamic of shikimori and izumi, baizhu would be the shikimori. while baizhu is always making sure that vi is ok, that she doesn't accidentally hurt herself, that she isn't overworking herself, she's making sure that he doesn't have to worry!! vi's doing everything she can to take care of herself so baizhu doesn't have to constantly worry himself over her, but he still does. and whenever vi tries to bring up possibly being a nuisance to him, he shuts it down before she can get the full sentence out. he worries because he loves her. he worries because she matters to him. he couldn't imagine a world without her, and doesn't want to.

every little thing - cybergirlfriend

shroomiya and mizuha. mirei would GUSH about everything kazuha does!! his handwriting, the way his voice gets softer when he talks directly to her, the way he looks at her with a warm smile after grabbing her hand.. anything and everything she can think of!! and I'm never going to have an empty mind when yoimiya's around. it's always full of thoughts of her!!! <33

biri-biri - yoasobi

i can't say yoasobi without also saying mirei. which is why this is another mizuha song. she's waiting!! she's hoping!! she's anticipating what kazuha will say, do, and everything else about him!!! when will she see him again? what will he say next? where is he right now? when will he hold her hand again? she's always wondering!! and he always has the answer, and it's always "whenever and whatever you want".

shake & shake - sumia

this is the intro to a really weird anime that me and someone else are watching together so I put it on the playlist. anyways this is shroomiya. we'd watch the anime together and laugh at how weird and i'd teach her the choreography in the intro <3

chicken noodle - small crush

kavexis? verali? for kavexis, kaveh is the mess. nothing goes right for him, except for alexis. she's the right in his world of wrongs. when he falls in the mud, she picks him back up and cleans him up. when he loses something, she spends hours helping him find it. he's a mess, but you're the best.

for verali it's swapped. I love you alexis but from what I know of verali you'd be the mess <3 she struggles with falling asleep on time, and he texts her at exactly 10:30pm to go to bed without being prompted to do so. he brushes her hair when she forgets to. he always makes sure that her working space is clean. whenever alexis asks him why, he tells her that he's just doing the bare minimum.

signal dreams - small crush

shroomsym!! "i would rather be living in a dream / if that's the only way I could get close to you" anything for you! everything for you! dedicating your days to someone who doesn't know that you think of them the amount that you do! doing things for someone that they'll never know of! picturing yourself with someone you think will never look your way again!!! he's a dream, and i'm doing fine asleep.

freshman year - small crush

sunvi. vi getting her view on everything skewed. she's having to get used to a new life, a new place, new people and nothing she can do to make the scenario more comfortable. but sunday can do something. so he does, and makes her feel as welcome as he can. he makes sure that she is loved properly, and cared for in the way she needs to be. "but I wish I knew then what I know now" if only she always knew how much sunday would do for her. (he'd do anything)

rumblin tummy - small crush

i swear I didn't plan for it to end like this but. tbh. this fits with everyone.

shroomiya: similar feelings to socks!! i'd never waste a day if it's spent with you! <3 no emotions are useless, no words are meaningless, because they're for her. everything is about her. everything is for her.

baivi: days upon days upon weeks months years and lifetimes spent with each other. spent sighing and dreaming and falling in love too many times to count, and then falling in love again!!! finding new ways to say I love you every day, and new ways to reciprocate.

kavexis: kavexis actually really feels like a couple who has a lot of accidental synchronization!! complimenting outfits, texting each other at the same time, confessions piling over each other because you were both so adamant that the other spoke first.

mizuha: making sure that the other is always cared for. during any absence, any reason for not being together, they are both always secure and excited to see each other again. and they always do, they always, always reunite.

shroomsym: I'm never ever going to be free from him, and honestly, I don't mind. I'd waste all my time finding him, talking to him, and thinking about him while I'm not with him.

sunvi: making space for each other, making time for each other, anything to accommodate to your beloved. because that's what you are to each other. everything you do, is in honor of them. sunvi feels like the type of couple to always be intertwined with each other, when you see sunday, vi is not too far behind. when you see vi, sunday was just making his way over with a bag of food and a kiss for the crown of vi's head.

verali: though he may deny it at times, veritas lives for all of alexis' mannerisms. everything she does fills him with love. everything she says makes him so, so happy. he'd really love it if he were able to just be with her for the rest of his life.

pantalovi: he always makes sure that vi is taken care of, because that is always the top priority. vi is everything to him, and he's everything to her. how could either of them be any less? when all of their spare time is spent on the other, how could there ever be any doubts that their love is less than unconditional and absolute?

#kazuha as kevin g (this is a joke but could be really funny)#if any of you think i mischaracterized ur guy PLEASE tell me and i will rewrite what was ooc.#i should probably never write again until i'm not tired. that sounds really dramatic wait #i should probably pause on writing stuff for a while after this because im pretty exhausted.#sighh but i really hope you guys like this! the playlist is at 100 songs :)#sweetest is the most recent song. didn't know i could feel this wayy didn't know i could feel this wayy #oguougohgiogh #:shroom is typing...#:baivi:#:kavexis..alekav:#:mizuha:#:olijax:#:pantalovi:#:scarayui:#:shroomiya:#:shroomsym:#:zagreis:#YAYYY ZAGREIS!!#um. i hope you guys liked this. and that i didn't forget anything to remove/add and that everyhting is finished.#lmk if i like. messe up on the post idk im tired man but i really wanted to finish this!!!!#OK lets go!! YAYYY #YAYYY IM SO HAPPY YAY I HOPE YOU GUYS LIKE HTIS!! <333 #UM UH UM UH!!#OK WE HAV ETHE READ MORE LOL #IF THAT WASNT THERE ID JUST PUT A WALL OF TEXT ON UR DASH BAHAHAHHA #OKOKOK #!!! OKOKOK!!!!!!#I HAD YUMMY FOOD TODAY #SHROOM THIS ISNT AN ALL ABOUT YOU OKOK TIME TO HIT POST BUT BEOFRE THAT #I REALLY DO HOPE YOU GUYS ENJOY

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miamoo27 · 2 years ago

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Hustlers

This Saturday, my boyfriend and I went to New York City to see a show. On our way there, we took the Lincoln Tunnel. The whole time we were in the tunnel, he blabbered on about “Men in Black” and the scene when they drove on the top of the tunnel with that Elvis song blasting. Honestly, if you put me in a car and we go into the city, I won't listen. I will be too busy watching and observing everything. Later on the way home, I was thinking of a thousand different stories to tell for this class. It was only when I passed my favorite building that I settled on this one. He asked me if I would be uncomfortable telling it. I said, “when have you ever known me to be uncomfortable” he responded, “only if you are in crowds.” Thank god this class isn't a crowd.

Every Sunday, my father would take me to Greenwich Village to visit my half-sister or go to the Guggenheim museum. My brother never went because he had Lacrosse practice or was with friends. My mother was separated at the time from my father; besides, even in the past, she never went because she hated my half-sister. I was a 13-year-old girl with dreams of becoming “Gossip Girls” Blair Waldorf. Instead of going to 5th ave and eating croissants, we went to Greenwich Village. When my parents graced each others’ presence in the same house, there was always fighting and alcohol, so going to the city with my dad was the only time I would spend any quality alone time with him.

I remember waiting for my father’s arrival on my porch with my greasy skin and hair pulled back in a bun. My bangs never looked clean despite scrubbing the shit out of them with Herbal Essence. My armpits always smelt no matter how many showers I took or how much Degree Sport deodorant I applied. My eyeliner smudged, making me look like a raccoon, and my pants never fit me correctly (an issue that has followed me into adulthood). I waited with my knocky knees, rubbing them nervously. My mother usually gave me a dirty look behind my back as she muttered some Italian curse words that either only some tiny village in Italy could understand or she made them up entirely. I watched as my dad's red Jeep pulled up.

I hopped up into my dad’s car and could still feel the beaming tension from my mother on the stoop of my house. I was ready to embark on the 40-minute drive to my sister’s apartment.It was the same drive I would take to go anywhere out of my small town. Nothing new. My dad would play 107.1. He thought that was the “cool channel.” He would sometimes take the top off the jeep, but I would complain my hair would become a mess. He seemed happy, like I said before, despite his failed marriage and failed wife.

Once we were on the bridge, I liked to look backward at New Jersey, watching Fort Lee disappear in the distance. I didn’t mind what was in front of me because if I turned my head forward, I’d see all of the apartment complexes of Washington Heights beautifully placed on the rolling hills of the Manhattan cliffs. The ride to the city was overstimulating and beautiful like some urban carnival ride with flashing lights and weird smells. Going from suburban tranquility to the hustle and bustle of the New York streets always intrigued me. I recall finding myself on the edge of my seat, eagerly awaiting the next sight. Sometimes we would see dogs playfully fighting or colorful displays of road-rage insanity. My dad would change gears and try to have a conversation with me at this point. I was too mesmerized by the whole experience I would answer him in a few words (or sometimes less). I only went with you for the ride. I welcomed any opportunity to leave Jersey and see New York.

There was one particular building I fell in love with. Hustlers. To go to Greenwich Village, we always took the West Side Highway, where I would get the chance to see boobs on a huge sign right off the road. I had no boobs at the time and still don't which is the reality of my experience of being a woman. Sometimes you do not get huge boobs. Sometimes you do. Despite the building being a hot spot for lonely men (no judgment), the architecture was alluring. A portrait Banksy painted also was on the side of the building. Looking closely on the left side while driving, you could see a "gentleman" pouring flowers on the ground. I wasn't staring just to see Banksy. I also was looking at the girl with crystal blue eyes and huge boobs staring at me. A new girl was on the billboard every month. I did not know if I wanted to be them or if I wanted to be with them. They all had straight, silky hair and huge boobs (always huge boobs), and I wished I could go inside the cement building, say hi to the gentleman with the flowers, and see one of the girls. Staring was a risky choice with two homophobic parents, though.

When I would stare at them with my father sitting next to me, my cheeks would light up. I would feel my body getting hot with embarrassment and wish my father was not in the car. I knew what my feelings towards the billboard meant because I had the same for men. The questions running through my 13-year-old mind made me nervous that I would always have a stomach on our way back from the city. And I would avoid eye contact with the next girl on the billboard when we went back into the city.

But my boyfriend didn't care. On Saturday, when we drove past Hustlers, we looked at the girl. Instead of being embarrassed or keeping my thoughts to myself. At 22, my parents may have no clue about my wondering eye for the same sex, but the person I love does, and he embraces it. With love, I accepted that part of myself.

#creative writing #bisexual #self love

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unimportant-ramblings · 2 years ago

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You're so lucky we're best friends, because I wouldn't tolerate Rentposting from anyone else. What prompted this latest burst???

I am so lucky we're best friends for a multiplicity of reasons! But we must always remember that I am a dirty theatre kid and went through a PRONOUNCED rent phase at like 13/14, I know all the lyrics, I would wake up and put the rent dvd in my little portable dvd player and watch the first couple scenes before i went to school, it is my mother's favorite musical of all time (MoR continues to be absolutely impossible to predict) like. I have seen things bro.

The recent burst is 1) because it's Christmas adjacent so I can listen to the soundtrack while getting in a seasonal vibe. Oh and also. It gets dark at like 4 I need some comfort food

But 2) for all its faults, it's also just this fascinating piece of cultural and theatre history. Like Jonathan Larson dies the day of the first off Broadway preview.... the show isn't finished? Or at least not polished? A show can change so much in previews? Workshops? Come on! And I think you can really tell that there are pieces of the show that don't connect; the homeless aspect completely disappears after act 1, the tone whips wildly from scene to scene, act 2 by and large has less good songs even for a second act, things like Mark's line "I'm the one of us to survive" seems to be tied to the point in the script where Joanne and Maureen are also HIV positive but thats not the case in the "finished" version and TELLINGLY THE LAST SONG IN THE SHOW IS SO BAD something that you'd think they'd fix after they had seen it staged, but he never gets a chance. Like I could go on!

And it's so interesting because the number one show that rent gets compared to is Hair; countercultural shows that fundamentally changed broadway. But Hair is famous for being a very different kind of show- it continues to maintain its hippy ethos by having open, changing direction, the songs are changed or reranged. The plot of Hair is minimal because it's about the feelings and the more open they can be with the audience, the more effective Hair can be.

Rent, meanwhile. Despite the obvious problems that rent has, Larson's death meant that the entire production was frozen in amber. Any alterations to the original direction have been met with heavy fan and critical negativity. And I mean, I'm a phantom fan, I'm a cats fan, I like a replica. But with rent,,,, the show doesn't feel done!! And there are big problems that feel like someone with a keen eye could just. Fix. a lot of them but they never will.

This is added to the fact that Rent essentially modeled theatre Fandom for the next 30 years at minimum. Oh also it somehow won the pulitzer. Like it's fascinating.

I will never, ever be free of Rent and I must inflict this on my beloved mutuals from time to time 💕💕💕

#ironically its living rent free in my brain #rent #rent musical #sonofcarnelian #broadways #musicals #asks

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esther-dot · 4 years ago

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I don't think romance is big plot in ary@ arc like Sansa. She didn't share those ideologies and romanticism like her sister. Yes she does like flowers but she didn't associate it with romance mostly nature. She does like songs and story because of adventure in it and for inspiration like Nymeria. I don't think she understood what she felt for gendry. When she claimed that Ned loved Cat because she was offended to believe that her father didn't love her mother. It isn't about romance.

(continuation of this convo)

I agree, and I think the way songs are mentioned in their chapters shows off their different personalities and worldviews, as well as offer insight into their troubled relationship. I didn't mean Ary@ was somehow wrong. The girls are simply different and that's a point the author is making. Sansa not only loves the songs, she thinks life is meant to be a song, so there is genuine frustration and confusion that it isn't:

She turned to walk off, but Ary@ shouted after her, "They won't let you bring Lady either." She was gone before Sansa could think of a reply, chasing Nymeria along the river.

Alone and humiliated, Sansa took the long way back to the inn, where she knew Septa Mordane would be waiting. Lady padded quietly by her side. She was almost in tears. All she wanted was for things to be nice and pretty, the way they were in the songs. Why couldn't Ary@ be sweet and delicate and kind, like Princess Myrcella? She would have liked a sister like that. (AGOT, Sansa I)

And then we have Ary@'s perspective in which songs were just another painful reminder that Sansa excelled where she didn't:

So the singer played for her, so soft and sad that Ary@ only heard snatches of the words, though the tune was half-familiar. Sansa would know it, I bet. Her sister had known all the songs, and she could even play a little, and sing so sweetly. All I could ever do was shout the words. (ASOS, Arya IV)

I’d think that would frustration would feed into her dismissal of romantic songs, as well as the fact that she can't identify with the romantic ladies Sansa adores:

I smell snow and smoke and pine needles. I smell the stables. I smell Hodor laughing, and Jon and Robb battling in the yard, and Sansa singing about some stupid lady fair. (AFFC, Ary@ II)

but to Sansa, those same ladies and songs, they give her strength.

"I'll come," she promised.

Ser Dontos disappeared. She could hear him huffing and puffing as he began the descent. Sansa listened to the tolling of the bell, counting each ring. At ten, gingerly, she eased herself over the edge of the cliff, poking with her toes until they found a place to rest. The castle walls loomed large above her, and for a moment she wanted nothing so much as to pull herself up and run back to her warm rooms in the Kitchen Keep. Be brave, she told herself. Be brave, like a lady in a song. (ASOS, Sansa V)

My favorite contrast, the one that really makes it clear who these girls are is this:

Perhaps I will die too, she told herself, and the thought did not seem so terrible to her. If she flung herself from the window, she could put an end to her suffering, and in the years to come the singers would write songs of her grief. Her body would lie on the stones below, broken and innocent, shaming all those who had betrayed her. Sansa went so far as to cross the bedchamber and throw open the shutters … but then her courage left her, and she ran back to her bed, sobbing. (AGOT, Sansa VI)

Whereas Ary@'s thought is:

He is a man of the Night's Watch, she thought, as he sang about some stupid lady throwing herself off some stupid tower because her stupid prince was dead. The lady should go kill the ones who killed her prince. (AFFC, Cat of the Canals)

I mean, how can you not love that that's Ary@'s solution? Hilarious. Anyway, it's just very clear that one girl is a romantic character and the other isn't. Ary@ calls romantic songs stupid and Bran calls kissing stories stupid. Those two like adventure, not romance. That's not a judgment of them, it's just a contrast.

#ask dot

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etlunainmorte · 5 years ago

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~ 1st May, 1884 ~

Sous le dome epais ou le blanc jasmin,

A la rose s'assemble,

Sur la rive en fleurs riant au matin,

Doucement glissons De son flot charmant,

Suivons le courant fuyant,

Dans l'onde fremissante,

D'une main nonchalante,

Viens, gagnons le bord,

Ou la source dort et,

L'oiseau, l'oiseau chante.

So, this was the song that everyone was talking about. The Flower Duet from Lakme. It does sound enchanting. It calmed your mind and filled your head with happy thoughts. And everyone seemed to think so, as well. You could clearly see the elated expressions on their faces from one of the upper boxes you and your companions were watching the play from. Act One in and you're fully taken in! The grandeur, the bright lights, and the flowers! Yes, the flowers! Everything was so enchantingly beautiful,...

Apparently, focusing hard on Lakme was the only thing you could do that one evening in May. Why?

You carefully peeled your (E/C) eyes off the flowery stage without putting down your Galilean binoculars and gave a sideways glance to the man sitting right next to you on your left. And, surely, for the third time that evening, you caught the man gazing at you, his cold eyes seemingly giving your senses the opposite effect and making your head spin.

You suppressed your little cough, shrugged your shoulders a bit, and pretended to sit up straight as you focused your sight back to the stage. And still, you could feel the man's gaze boring into you.

There was,... something truly different about the Duke and you noticed it the moment he arrived from London to visit you here in Paris. It's as if an intimidating kind of aura surrounded him with the way he carried himself. You swore you even felt smaller than ever before when you stood next to him to greet him. Or maybe it was just your imagination playing tricks on you? After all, you haven't seen the man in ten years. You remembered him telling you that he had some urgent matters to attend to with regards to the land ( far too massive ) and the titles ( far too great ) that his father has left him ( his younger brother inherited the lesser title of Earl from their late uncle, as customary ) and that he needed to go to London for them.

Of course, your friendship thrived despite the long distance. The two of you continued to exchange letters, lengthy, in fact, about your daily lives, your etiquette lessons, his thriving businesses, your passion in the arts, the expansion of his father's land, your fondness of your family's little garden, and his hobby in music. And in these letters, he promised to bring you to London one day, to see his humble home, to attend both the Season and the Little Season with him, to bask in the rustic countryside, and to wander about the garden he claimed he has built just for you.

Oh, how your heart fluttered when you read those words from the man! And from that point onward, you waited for the day of his return. Everyday, you hoped to see him in your doorstep, smiling at you and sweetly calling your name,...

And after ten long years of waiting, he has finally arrived! But, there was something truly different about him. It seemed that London has morphed him into a different kind of person.

Gone was the boy who always skipped his Latin lessons just to play pirates with you. Gone was the little trouble maker who often has to dress up like his younger twin to escape his duties as the eldest son. Gone was the little man who always read William Blake's poems for you.

For, standing before you that one sunny morning, was none other than the man, himself. The intimidating, the tall one,...

... The Duke of Red Grave, himself.

Vergil Sparda.

As your sight jumped back and forth from Lakme to Millika, your mind went over everything that occurred the moment Vergil returned. During the last fortnight of his stay, he has graciously sent you gifts, taken you to Balls, has sent you flowers every morning, and has sent you poetry every evening.

However, despite all this attention you were receiving from him, you could not help but wonder why he still felt somehow absent. Yes, he has given you gifts. Yes, he has sent you letters. Yes, he has engaged with you but, somehow, it felt as if the Vergil you have known has disappeared. It's as if, suddenly, there was this man who barely actually spent time with you. To actually talk with you, to laugh with you, to exchange stories like how you used to. Simply put, he was always very busy. And now he seemed,... cold. Distant.

The Vergil you came to know,... was gone. That even though he was around, you felt empty.

You were still thinking deeply about it when you came out of the Grecian house of the theatre arts that you barely noticed it when the man took your hand and led you towards his own lacquered carriage bearing his symbol. And when you finally came to your senses, you found yourself sitting comfortably across the long - legged Duke, feeling your bottom sink deliciously amidst the deep blue velvet cushions of his luxurious vehicle.

"Y - your Grace?" You mumbled in confusion as you looked into his unfathomable eyes. "Where are the others?"

The Duke didn't even smile. Instead, he gave you a curt nod and gestured at the window to his left. "Dante and his lady are on their way to Morrison's. It's,... getting quite late. I must keep my word to your father that I would bring you home as early as I could."

"Oh."

Vergil didn't say anything else. Instead, he looked away from you and gazed at the streets of Paris outside the window as the carriage started to move.

As if those same, stoic eyes didn't stare at you for the whole duration of the play.

The thirty - minute ride back home was spent as unimaginably quiet as possible. Not that either of you don't want to speak to the other, no. It just felt like starting a conversation somehow felt awkward between the two of you. The silence even went so far that you could already feel your neck aching with the way you're forcefully focusing on the window to your left.

And, just then, when the carriage finally entered your family's estate, you heard the man clear his throat, making you turn towards him.

"Did you enjoy the play, my lady?" He asked all of a sudden.

Surprised at the question, you answered, "Why, yes! Yes, of course, Your Grace."

Vergil cleared his throat once more as he looked back outside. "Good."

When the Duke's vehicle came to a halt just in front of your house, the man swiftly opened the door, went outside, and opened the door for you. He took your hand and gently helped you step out of the carriage. By this time, the household has already settled down for the evening, with only the Head Butler left awake to open the door for you.

Then, as you were expecting him to lead you straight to the door, he turned to the right, forcing you to quicken your pace due to his wide strides.

Your dainty hand still on the crook of his left arm and the other lifting your long, (F/C) chiffon skirt to prevent yourself from tripping, you looked up at the man and saw,... something strange in his eyes.

Strange, and yet,...

... it felt really familiar, somehow. And exciting.

"Your Grace? I - is there something wrong?"

The man's eyes widened. He looked down at you and gave you a slightly awkward smile.

"Nothing! Nothing, dearest."

"Where are we - ?"

"Do you still remember? I used to escape my Latin tutor to spend time with you on your little garden."

Wha - ? "Y - your Grace?"

"Then we pretended we were pirates. I let you be the Captain for one day and we played and played, until the sun went down and my mother came looking for me."

"I,... ah,... well, yes! Of course. How could I forget?"

"Then, father gave me an earful. And Dante was so jealous when he found out I spent the whole day with you! I remember he sulked all day and didn't talk to me for a week. Did you know he has such a huge crush on you back then?"

You gave out a little laugh at the reminder. "Yes, I remember that huge crush but, I didn't know he ignored you like that for a week!"

Vergil chuckled. What's,... going on? "Then, when I heard you were sick, I borrowed Dante's clothes and knocked on your window."

"Yes, and nobody noticed it was you and not your brother. But, I did."

"My lady, how did you recognize me again?"

"You were carrying around your book of poems. Dante would never do that."

"Why, yes. Indeed, you are right." The man nodded.

"And I let you in because I was scared that someone would see you outside my window." You added. "It was,... such a huge breach of etiquette. Inviting a boy inside a girl’s room."

"It was such an experience."

"Yes. And it was,... actually quite nice. Being read poetry to you when you're sick."

"And I did that a couple of times. Even when you're not sick. The Garden Of Love was your most absolute favorite.”

“Why, yes, it still is.”

“Hmm.”

"You were such a naughty boy, Your Grace."

Vergil's eyes lit up, and when he looked at you, despite his facial features staying a little bit stoic and awkward, you felt something really warm within them.

Could it be,... ?

But, no. You decided to not let your hopes up.

Then again, the way he talked to you just now. It's as if the old Vergil you knew slipped through the very small kink of his intimidating armor and said hello to you once more.

It's as if somehow, deep within the shell of this cold man, lie still the soul of an old friend that you spent most of your childhood with.

And the way he looked at you,...

... it felt as if this old Vergil really wanted to be set free.

"Vergil."

Huh? "Your Grace?"

"I'm just Vergil." The man quietly said when you two finally arrived at the garden. "Please, call me Vergil." He spoke, not taking his eyes off you as he led you towards that old stone bench.

"Isn't it wrong to call you just by your name?" You asked him, the sweet scent of the white roses before you drifting to your nostrils.

The man raised an eyebrow. "Is it?"

"Yes,..." You answered uncertainly, helplessly watching as the man settled next to you and took both of your hands.

"Not in my book, my dearest." He said, raising both of your hands and giving each one a chaste peck.

Just now,...

Did you feel your heart skip a beat just now?

The way he's gazing at you, his eyes not leaving yours. The way he held your hands, his own, big ones gently rubbing them. The way he sat next to you, his closeness giving you more warmth than you could handle on a summer evening,...

What,... is going on?!

"Your Grace - "

"Vergil."

"Vergil." You repeated. "Is there something wrong? Something you wanted to say?"

"Is it wrong to stay like this for a while?"

God! This is getting really uncomfortable,... "W - what I mean is - "

"Come with me to London, (Y/N)."

All of a sudden, your tongue decided not to cooperate with you. Yes, you were excited when the man promised you in those long letters that he would bring you to London one day.

But, now that he's asking you, why did it feel so,... different?

"I'm sorry but - "

"So, you will not go with me?"

"I will! I mean,..."

"Yes, (Y/N)?" The Duke asked, not a hint of amusement in his tone. "I told you in my letters. I promised to take you there with me. You said, yes. And, here I' am, fulfilling that promise to you. So, I will ask once more: will you go to London with me?"

You felt your heart doing flips, and you even had an urge to pry your trembling hands from him but, his grasp was just too tight.

"Is it just - ?" You nervously asked, fearing you might be wrong in your assumption. "Just the two of us?"

"Yes."

Oh, my God,... "T - then, I should tell my parents that - "

"Let me make this clear for the both of us." The man interrupted you. "Marry me, (Y/N)."

Were your ears deceiving you,... ? Just now, did he just ask you,... ? "Y - yes? I mean - !"

"What is it? What's the matter, my dearest?" Vergil asked, closing the gap between the two of you and leaving you no choice but to face him head on. "I couldn't help it. I have loved you ever since I've known you. And my feelings for you only became deeper when I went to London. When I was separated from you. You don’t have a single idea how much I’ve dreamed of this very moment. I want to be with you. Always.”

"Your Grace, I - "

Were your senses deceiving you? Or did he just press his incredibly soft lips against yours? Did your eyeballs just roll up your eyelids at the incredible sensation of his mouth moving gently and yet firmly against yours, urging you to reciprocate? Did that same mouth, which rarely blessed anyone with a smile, render you totally useless right before him? Did those same hands, that held yours a moment ago, and which started to move up and down your back in a soothing rhythm, hypnotize you? Did that deep voice of his, which softly moaned your name, just make you forget everything else as you finally held onto him for dear life? Did the way he uttered those three words finally move you to the point of surrender?

You never knew, and you never wished to find out. For there was only one thing in your mind at that moment,...

You awfully missed this man. This fiercely loving, unbelievably caring, and absolutely adoring man, who was mysteriously hiding behind his cold, cynic, and intimidating shell for some reason you wish to find out. You missed him too much for your own good.

And now that he's holding you, and loving you, and caressing you this way, you wished this sweet moment would last longer. You fervently wished for this contact to not end. Your heart longed for this man to stay with you forevermore.

However, as the popular belief went, all good things must come to an end, for just when the rhythm of his caresses started to change, he decided to stop. And this earned him a little, almost unnoticeable whine from you.

The corner of the man's lips went up in an unmistakable smirk, and just when you felt the heat creep up to your ears, he tipped your chin up to make you look straight into his darkened eyes and said, "I'll take that as a yes."

Once again, your own words failed you as you tried to let out a comprehensible argument. After what happened, how could anyone just say no to this handsome devil, anyway?!

"And now, I must make my preparations." The man said as he gave you a chaste peck on the forehead. "I will go back to London this instant."

"Wait! I thought you said - ?"

"I know." The man interrupted as he cupped your cheeks. "And I will be back before you even know it. As a matter of fact, you will never notice me coming towards you."

You helplessly shook your head as laid your hands on his, feeling the joy and mirth go back to your system after such a long time of this man's absence. "That's so Vergil of you, I guess. You creeping up on me and surprising me like that."

"For your information, my dearest, I don't creep." The man answered, clearly frowning at what you just labeled him as, but still not letting you go. "You should leave the creeping up to Dante, for I would only sweep you off your feet. Ouch! That hurt!"

And how could you not pinch him?! How could any stoic man such as him stay calm and serious and collected as he tell jokes?! It was so,... Vergil of him!

Oh, God! How you missed this side of him!

"You're so unfair, Vergil." You told him as you shamelessly wrapped your arms around his neck. "Leaving me for ten years, then going back just to propose to me out of the blue like that? You know you could've done that before going to London in the first place, and I would say yes. I would always say yes to you, Vergil."

"Forgive this fool for not doing it earlier, then." He answered as he held you, wrapping you in his embrace and pressing your body closer to his.

You hummed in satisfaction as you basked in his embrace. Burying your face in his fragrant shirt, you said, "You're so unfair. And mesmerizing."

"Well! We'll see about that."

"About what?" You asked as you looked up at him. "About you being unfair, or you being mesmerizing?"

Vergil smirked and inched closer to your ear. And with a voice that sent your senses to oblivion, he whispered, "Both. But I'm afraid we'll both have to wait until our wedding night to find out."

Even before his meaning sank, the man swiftly stood up and offered you his hand. "It is really getting late. You must go to bed now, my dearest. I insist."

"And you, My Lord?" You asked in a playful voice, matching the same degree of mischief that he has a while ago.

Vergil gave out a theatrical sigh. A very rare sight, indeed. "I'm your Lord now?" He asked, his eyebrow raised skeptically once more. "Anyway, to answer your question, as I've said, I would immediately go back to London. Probably to wake up the whole household with the good news. And make my preparations."

The little walk back to your house was enjoyable but, the parting proved to be really difficult. The man bid you good night and sweet dreams, and you bade him farewell for now with a forlorn wave of the hand. You don't know how long you'd wait for him this time around, however, he has assured you that he would be back before you even know it. And you trusted him, for he never broke his promises.

Until then, you would eagerly wait for his return. But, right now, you must go to sleep,...

... and dream of this one evening in May,...

... when the man of your dreams, your childhood love, the man you adored and waited for for ten years,...

... has finally declared his love for you.

***

🌸 I hope you still remember this little prize of mine for you, @harlot-of-oblivion . Thank you so much for supporting my work! 🌸

***

🌸🌸🌸

***

#devil may cry 5 #vergil sparda #devil may oneshot #un soir de mai #vergil x you #vergil x reader #victorian era #@harlot-of-oblivion

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roswelldetails · 5 years ago

Text

RNM 2x06 - Sex and Candy

EPISODE SUMMARY:

Maria’s (Heather Hemmens) investigation into her mother’s disappearance leads her and Alex (Tyler Blackburn) to the home of a mysterious boot maker named Travis (guest star David Anders). Meanwhile, on her journey of self-discovery, Isobel’s (Lily Cowles) night out leads her into the arms of someone unexpected. Finally, after making some major scientific strides, Liz (Jeanine Mason) is dealt a devastating blow. Geoff Shotz directed the episode written by Rick Montano & Vincent Ingrao (#206). Original airdate 4/20/2020.

DETAILS:

Max and Isobel's fight:

Lights start flickering when Max starts getting aggressive and then get brighter as he gets more worked up.

The first attempt to expel it seemed like he was causing an earthquake. He blew out all the windows in the gym, knocked Isobel down, and there was shaking. But it didn't seem to go beyond that room - no damage is seen when Michael arrives or around town.

Note, after the earthquake thingie the lights go out

His hands are doing the electric power thingie and THEN he also grabs the lightning.

I think Isobel used her telekinesis to stop it and then push it away, which seemed to work...but if so then why couldn't Noah do that last season?

Was it the sheer volume of electricity? There was definitely MORE than with Noah.

Michael uses his telekinesis to manually reset Max's heart. This is very smart of him. Note that he's using his own heart/pulse to get it right.

They are using the antidote to Liz's serum to try to heal Max's mind.

Michael says that they've been giving him antidote injections for three days (time jump).

Three days of antidote and no new memories for Max.

Isobel remembered her blackouts within a few hours of getting injected with the antidote in 1x10.

Note: Liz hesitated using the antidote this way in 1x10 because Isobel could still be dangerous and they didn't know about the 4th Alien yet. There doesn't seem to be a similar hesitation with Max. Because Liz trusts him more? Because him forgetting her is more personal? It's not like there isn't a chance that Max is still dangerous…

Maria arranged a Mexican market in the Pony parking lot to subsidize her income.

Buffy the Beagle is Forrest's dog!

Maria comments that the meteor shower makes animals act strange. And humans too.

Forrest and Maria are organizing an open night mic at the Wild Pony. Free drinks for performers.

Maria clearly approves of Forrest and Alex getting to know each other. She smacks Alex for his awkward flirting.

The bootmaker's farm is about an hour outside of town.

The Science:

Kyle and Steph are watching a "surgical separation of craniopagus twins".

Craniopagus Twins = twins attached at the cranium/head. (Aka not a heart surgery).

"Did you know, ever since 1947, twin births in Roswell are higher than the national average? Maybe it's aliens."

Speaking of awkward flirting…. "You're just my favorite person I can't stand."

The Spanish:

Le cambio una bolsa de chiles para mi papá...for the free fries next time you come to the Crashdown.

Liz is bartering. She says basically, I'll trade you a bag of chiles for my papa for free fries next time you come to the Crashdown.

Note, the captions for this are wrong and use the Spanish word for grasshoppers instead, but you can clearly hear Liz say chiles. Thanks to @rosaortecho for pointing that out to me.

Max says:

I'm trying to eat clean. Uh, tiene carne seca sin como se dice, preservativos.

He's trying to say, basically, does the jerky have preservatives.

Quiere carne a sin preservativos?

Basically, you want meat without condoms?

Lo siento. Uh, no lo entiendo.

I'm sorry, I don't get it.

Él quiere decir conservantes.

He means preservatives.

Gracias. Estoy embarazado.

Thank you. I'm pregnant.

Michael asks Max who he's texting. Max says everyone has been messaging him but Cameron is the only one who hasn't responded, which isn't like her.

Wildly curious who he was texting though. It's not like he's a social butterfly. His mom? The sheriff? Who? As I pointed out to some friends the other day, he spent his 21st birthday getting trashed with his SISTER. This is not a trait of a guy with lots of close friends.

Just as another note, Michael says he ghosted her. When exactly was that? Yes, Max ran out on her in the middle of a handy in 1x03, but they addressed that the next day. She "broke up" with him in 1x07, but they were still good right up until she left town.

Isobel:

"Does he seem different to you?"

Alex and Maria playing "Never have I Ever" in the car. Good way to do background on characters.

Maria has never cheated on a boyfriend

Alex has never been in a real relationship. Not even "Kellie Sommer-something".

Alex says that whenever he was with a woman he was trying to disappear. Except for Sophomore year after Battle of the Bands. Seven Minutes in Heaven in Haley Moore's hall closet. Alex and Maria kissed and it was Maria's first kiss (and boob graze). She always thought she'd marry Alex. Had to come up with a new plan after he came out.

Alex says "I did too."

"Kissing you in that closet was the first time in my life that I enjoyed touching someone."

Max picks up Liz for their first date…

Just as a note, Save Tonight was the opening song in the pilot of OG Roswell. During the "oh, Max Evans is staring at you again." exchange between Liz and Maria. So, it might go well with new beginnings or something ;-)

The Science:

"Psychogenic amnesia limits retrieval of stored memories, but if we light up your limbic system and gustatory cortex with some familiar signals…"

"Your milkshake might bring all my memories to the yard?"

**Note, second reference to this song in the context of Liz bringing Max milkshakes. First was in 1x06 by Isobel. Hmm. 1x06 and 2x06… maybe they should crack this joke in 3x06 too.

"Sometimes when people wake up from comas they have different personalities, different tastes even…"

Everything you ever wanted to know about psychogenic amnesia:

But, my main takeaway is that it's a specific type of amnesia where there's abnormal memory function but no brain damage or other clear cause of it.

Limbic system:

Basically the part of your brain that stores emotion, behavior, and long term memory.

Gustatory cortex:

Basically the part of your brain that processes taste.

Maria compares Michael to Chad because he starts fights and lies. Alex disagrees and lists ways that he was doing good things:

He lied to protect his family from Alex's family.

He shouldered the burden of a murder he didn't commit for ten years so that Isobel didn't have to.

He pushed Maria away to protect her - which might be a good thing too because of all his baggage.

First Date:

Max went to Ranch camp one summer and dislocated his shoulder while trying to read Lord of the Rings on horseback. #nerd.

Liz references the gala as not their first date, but there was also the desert in high school. I guess she doesn't count that either.

Side note: Cam and Liz talked about him peacocking in 2x03, but that kinda felt out of character at the time to the Max we knew. This Max DOES seem like he's peacocking a bit. Got dressed up, taking Liz horseback riding. He admitted to trying to one up whatever they did together before. Just an interesting (to me) observation.

Liz looks panicky when Max suggests truth serum (because Science!Liz probably could make truth serum), but once she realizes he means whiskey she's like, "oh yes, that's fine." Oh Liz…

Diego details:

They were engaged just last year

Liz left without saying goodbye

Bioengineer

They were working together on the Denver study

They would come home and keep talking about work

He had ideas to help improve it

They both spoke The Science

He pushed her to get better at The Science

When the funding was cut she realized she loved the work more than him

Liz couldn't figure out how tell him that so she packed her things in the middle of the night, hit the road, changed her phone, and blocked him on Facebook.

**This is the first time LIZ has mentioned social media. Interesting given the crap Maria keeps giving her about it!

Travis and fresh warm milk. What is up with it??

"Nice ring. Does it keep you from burning up in the daylight?"

David Anders introduces himself as Travis.

Just as a point of interest, Maria researched enough to find the bootmaker, figure out where he lives, but she didn't get his name???

Vampire Diaries/Originals reference.

Travis says he can't help with car stuff.

The milk was from a cow named Jennifer. He milked her for the last time today. (Creepy).

Weird contradictory statements from Travis:

"You're the best thing I've seen in a long time."....

"Mm, I'm sorry. So many customers and all their ugly faces get all sewn up and stitched together in my mind."

"Yeah, that's the woman that bought them boots. While back. Nice lady. She paid cash."

Second reference to animals behaving strangely during a meteor shower:

"Meteor shower's got my girls singing a bit off key tonight. Jennifer, she likes a good lullaby."

"Okay this guy is going to turn us into skin suits." (OG reference? Or just general sci-fi?)

Meteorchella at Planet 7 (Coachella-style party during meteor shower?) with any excuse to add sparkles!

Kyle says he's at Planet 7 because he's trying not to hang out with people from high school.

Isobel says she's trying to have fun without feeling like prey.

Don't think the details of Kyle/Isobel dancing matters all that much, but as a point of amusement I'll share that in the panel on Tuesday night they shared that Lily whispered something different to Trevino on every take...And they got progressively dirtier to the point that she finally felt like she crossed a line and profusely apologized. Also the lick was a Lily addition.

Max's confession about killing the drifter:

Kind of an interesting thing, comparing the first version of the drifter story in 1x06 to the 2x06 version. 1x06 was more dramatic, but 2x06 was more personal, I think.

1x06

"There are moments that define our lives, and there are moments that divide our lives. Incidents that separate us into two different people: who we were before and who we will be after. Forever…One day we were children and the next we were something else. I was a killer. Michael an accomplice. And Isobel...Isobel was broken."

2x06

"I killed a man once, on a camping trip. This drifter came out of nowhere, attacked Isobel. I wasn't even thinking. I killed him. With this. I arrest people who kill people. Most of them usually regret what they did. You know, you can just tell that they're forever broken. It's like a piece of them dies with their victims. So when I could feel that darkness, like I had to kill, I wanted Isobel to let me die. Because I couldn't risk hurting even one innocent person. Cause life just wouldn't be worth living."

Kind of an interesting narrative choice to confess to murder on a first date and then have the girl just brush it aside.

"No, it just hit me why you're so happy and idealistic, and I feel like an idiot. You are that way because you don't remember me. It's a clean slate. It's like when you got out of the pods with whatever memories you had erased it's probably for your own good."

"Last I heard you were the love of my life."

"Your cohorts, they left out some details. Cause if you had your memories I'm positive the worst thing that's ever happened to you is connected to me. And I can't bear the weight of making you remember that again."

**Note, second time this has been implied. Last time was by Michael in 1x08 regarding the alien symbol.

"...it's gotta have some connection to us right? Maybe it was something we saw somewhere before the crash."

"Sorry, are you, Max Evans, acknowledging that we must have had lives before we hatched out of the pods? You never want to talk about home."

"Hey, Roswell is home. Look, I'm sorry man. You're right. I've spent a lot of time not talking about where we come from or why we're here. Keep thinking I can pretend the past away and just be normal. But if Isobel's blackouts are some alien thing, then I need to know more. Okay, and this symbol? That's all I have to go on. I mean don't you think it's strange that we don't have any memories? I mean, no parents, no language. We weren't infants, man. We were seven."

"I just figured our memory faded. Over 50 years in those pods. Maybe it was just time. Or maybe whoever put us in those pods doesn't want us to remember."

Travis and Trevor's house...with added bonus of his ring that Alex comments on.

Leather ribbons/strips on the wall are for (from?) Hayley and Gertrude. More cows, I presume.

There's also a framed Purple Heart on the wall next to a photo of Travis?

"War really messes with a man's mind. Gets it all twisted up.

Timeline issue!! Alex says Mimi was missing for 3 weeks, but according to the clearly established timelines in 201-203 it was 4 weeks (or a month ish). I wrote about this here:

Maria put her jacket on a scarecrow to trick Travis. And did she leave it there?

(Answer: yes. She doesn't wear it for the rest of the episode. Smart of her, actually).

Michael sees Trevor come out of the house and is about to shoot him. Maria immediate knew it wasn't Travis and threw herself in front of Michael's gun

Trevor shoots Travis.

A bullet from the Crashdown shooting falls out of Max's journal. Does it look like it has blood on it? Or maybe just ketchup? If it's THE bullet it would make a lot of sense that he kept it hidden - evidence that Liz was shot. See this comparison between one of Wyatt's bullets in 1x02 and the one Max finds in 2x06

"Sorry about my twin here. He's had a rough go."

"Combat does not make you an axe murderer."

"No, it wasn't the combat. It was the R&D. If a paramilitary group ever asks you to take part in a study, you run the other way. He showed up a few weeks ago. Locked me up out back. Lucky y'all showed up when you did. Gave me a chance to escape."

R&D is a military acronym for Research and Development. (Aka...The Science.)

Priscilla - the cow Mimi's boots were made from.

This is literally the only direct information gained about the boots from this little sleuthing excursion.

Well, and that Mimi paid cash, which isn't like her.

Side note - I didn't really know what Paramilitary meant, so just in case any of you are also not good with military stuff, Paramilitary groups are like private armies. Like, I dunno, the private security firm that Jesse and Cam discussed in episode 2x04. 👀

Male doctor operating on Steph clearly states:

"All right we're approaching an arterial junction."

A female doctor replies and its less clear. What I hear is...Blood gasses are back? Anyone else hear something that makes more sense than that?

He replied something like...the stint through here

She says something about pH levels.

Max admits that he didn't know what would happen when he decided to bring Rosa back. He just wanted to fix the worst thing that ever happened to all of them.

"I can't believe we were Shyamalan'd by an evil twin."

I think Alex is referring to the twist ending? Or maybe just the insane axe murderer stuff.

M. Night Shyamalan wrote and directed the Sixth Sense, Signs, Split, etc…

During this scene is the first time we see Michael's tattoo… it's on his arm. I struggled with getting a cap of it, but I know there are gifs going around.

I had every intention of detailing the dialogue in the trailer scene, but before I could get to it, Carina posted the script, so I didn't think it was a good use of my time. Here's the script:

The next morning, Alex calls the Sheriff from outside the trailer for an update.

The Sheriff tells him that Travis and Trevor burned their home and ran...weren't caught by the sheriff. Which means we may not have seen the last of them.

The Spanish:

"Oh my God. Dios mio, Max. I took off your pants before I even said I love you. I'm some kind of zorra."

Dios mio basically is Oh My God! So Liz really was spiraling. She went, "Oh my God, Oh my God..."

Zorra - female version of Zorro. Basically a vixen, bitch, prostitute… the internet has all sorts of fun words that it translates into.

"I call this one Visceral Werewolf Part 2, dedicated to my boy Chee Chee, may he rest in peace."

Can we have more Bert? Bert is the best. Also kudos to his goofy friend who is wayyy too excited about this.

Forrest's slam poem:

Locked up for days,

Time slipping away,

On my knees I would pray to break free from this cage.

But bargaining for keys, you forget hidden fees.

And wishing for what you’re missing ain’t the same as living the dream.

And now I’m fighting to stay on this side of the cage.

Even though I know a part of me wishes I’d stayed.

Ain’t no prophet or rebel or savior or devil

Could have predicted, fought, cheated or leveled.

A life with potential that’s squandered,

A comfortable cell is a question I ponder.

Am I a free man or a prisoner wanderer?

Max's memory flash:

Young Max, chained to the ground as described in 2x03.

Max looks scared.

He's dressed all in white like the 1947 aliens after the crash (As shown in 1x12 and 2x03).

He's in a cave or something like a cave.

Holes in the wall are glowing an orangey red color.

The ceiling is like the alien ship material with the alien symbol in it.

A figure approaches from behind him, bends down, and places a hand on his shoulder.

It mirrors the figure approaching Nora in 2x03 and touching her shoulder before burning the military men...probably the same person? Noah? The stowaway? Someone new?

After the figure touches Max, he looks at the hand, and then a red glow lights his face.

MUSIC:

1. Xocoyotzin Herrera "Esperanza"

2. Jose Luis Lepe "La Carreta"

3. Eagle Eye Cherry "Save Tonight"

4. Lousiana Red "I Done Woke Up"

5. Whissell "Magnetic"

6. Stop Dead "Alchemistress Dance"

7. Orville Peck "Turn To Hate"

8. Kim Petras "Close Your Eyes"

9. Orville Peck "Queen Of The Rodeo"

10. Moontricks "The Fall"

11. Years & Years "Hypnotised"

12. Jordan Critz Feat. Birdtalker "Through Your Eyes"

This time I couldn't find the Whissell and Stop Dead tracks on spotify - however the Stop Dead track is referenced at being by Chelsea Dawn in the closed captions. Which I did find. Trying to confirm this. Let me know if anyone else had better luck!

#roswell new mexico #rnm season 2 #rnm spoilers #rnm 206 #sex and candy #episode details #long post

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xxisxxisxxis · 5 years ago

Text

Gateway Drug | Part Thirty-Nine

Table of Content or Part Thirty-Eight

Read here on wattpad

Word count: 4K

Warning(s): Explicit language, Drug abuse

Tag List: @unknownoblivion @sinningsixx @edwardtriggerhandzz @lemmyjelly @haileynicoleseavey17 @cierrasixx19 @oskea93 @mgkobsessed @vamprlestat @sharon6713 @itsametaphorbriansblog @miriampraez @allie-mcginn @rebeccaphillips14 @nicholeh7 @fandomshit6000 @lilmou5ie @tamedhearts @divaanya @kingbouji3 @evrsncnewyork @6ixx6ixx @ratedrkohardychick91 @floregrohlssard @oldschoolimagineblog @thanks2pete @abaldboi @swoopygorl @justjodeye @liith-ium @caos18blog @ytwahsog @shamlessobsessions @scarecrowmax @toadspleen @random-internet-user-4471 @solohqrry @loveofmyloif @sparxx27 @kaitieskidmore1 @xpoisonousrosesx @cruecifymesixx @ijustwanttokiss70srogertaylor @emmaelizabeth2014 @meetthesixxter @sixxsixxsexx @sublimeprincesswasteland @arianareirg @girlnight-terror @mcnibberachi

LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANT TO BE TAGGED

PMRC DEMANDS CENSORSHIP, DEVELOPES A LIST OF THE "FILTHY 15."

1. Prince, "Darling Nikki", flagged for sex/masturbation

2. Sheena Easton, "Sugar Walls", flagged for sex

3. Judas Priest, "Eat Me Alive", flagged for Sex/Violence

4. Vanity, "Strap On Robbie Baby", flagged for sex

5. Mötley Crüe, "Bastard", flagged for violence/language

6. AC/DC, "Let Me Put My Love Into You", flagged for sex

7. Twisted Sister, "We're Not Gonna Take It", flagged for violence

8. Madonna, "Dress You Up", flagged for sex

9. W.A.S.P., "Animal (Fuck Like a Beast)", flagged for sex/language/violence

10. Def Leppard, "High 'n' Dry (Saturday Night)", flagged for drug/alcohol use

11. Mercyful Fate, "Into the Coven", flagged for occult themes

12. Black Sabbath, "Trashed", flagged for drug/alcohol use

13. Mary Jane Girls, "In My House", flagged for sex

14. Venom, "Possessed", flagged for occult themes

15. Cyndi Lauper, "She Bop", flagged for sex/masturbation

Tipper freaking Gore, the wife of the senator at the time, Al Gore, and bunch of other political housewives got their panties in a twist in 1985 and decided to demand artists either censor themselves when creating music, leaving no room for even the slightest hint at sex, drugs, alcohol, satanism, occultism, violence, language, or anything else almost every artist uses one of to express themselves in their music.

When musicians across the board practically told Tipper, the other wives, and everyone else that called themselves a member of the Parents Music Resource Center, to go fuck themselves, they decided to slap censorship stickers on records that contained any of the mentioned offenses.

Even John Denver got hit with censorship for his song "Rocky Mountain High."

It didn't shock me when my mother was photographed with Tipper after attending one of the hearings.

Mötley was invited to a hearing to defend their content and speak their opinions with a handful of others being censored, but they never batted an eye when the news first came out because they knew having an "X" or "XX" or "XXX" rating for violence, language, sex, drugs, alcohol, etc. would only make kids buy the record more. And it did.

"It's bullshit." I state, tossing the news paper article aside.

"It's politics." Fred replies taking a bite of his bagel.

"These womens' sex lives must be atrocious or else they'd be spending more time on their husbands' dicks and less time on these people's." I motion to the article with the list on it.

"Babe--"

"If these polotical lunatics spent as much energy taking care of their own damn kids, as they're spending attempting to villainize artists who're expressing themselves, they would realize that it's not Mötley Crüe's or anyone else's job to raise their children. If you're so scared of your kids trying all this stuff, have a conversation with them about it and tell them about it, honestly, instead of relying on the music they listen to, to properly teach them about it. And at the end of the day, they're gonna buy the record whether their parents want them to or not, and they're going to try all kinds of stuff, no matter who talks to them about it, if they really want to try it." I continue my rant, Fred, Doc, Nikki, Vince, Tommy and Mick all looking at me, waiting for me to be done.

"Are you done, Sister Christian?" Vince asks me and I glare at him.

"Viv, it's publicity. Who gives a fuck?" Nikki asks me. "The kids are gonna go for the nastiest rated album anyway. The more 'X's the better."

"Yeah, but the audacity of--" Tommy's teaching his hand around my shoulder and covering my mouth before I can continue and I look at him where he's beside me.

"I've got a headache. I'm hungover, Viv. I love you, but I don't need to hear a Vivian Bitch Fit right now." Tommy explains to me.

I just look at him like he's lost his mind for shutting me up, and he cautiously moves his hand away.

I give him a ten second reprieve before shouting, at the top of my lungs:

"The audacity of these people pisses me off!" I finish what I was going to say and Tommy and Nikki are both jumping out of their seats a little at the sudden shouting, covering their ears, wincing, before Nikki's looking at me, sharply.

I roll my eyes at him and he grabs roughly at my thigh under the table, uncomfortably sinking the tips of his fingers into my flesh.

Ignoring him, I take a sip of my coffee, as he glances around and stands up.

"I gotta piss." He tells us, but I know why he's going to the bathroom.

I wait for him to disappear past the "Men's Room" sign in the Denny's before I get up and follow after him.

I walk in, catching the tail end of him snorting a line, and I cross my arms, waiting outside of the stall he's in.

I hear the familiar "click" of a needle being uncapped.

"Nikki. It's 10:00 in the morning." I tell him.

"Fuck off."

"Nikki."

"Fuck off."

"Nikk--"

"Fuck off."

"Make me."

I wait for him to come out of the stall and do what I dared him to, but I just hear the sound of him sighing out in relief as opiate hits his system, drowning out whatever argument we were about to get into.

When he didn't want to hear me complain or try to talk him out of stuff, he would run to his favorite room in his mind: his heroin den.

If we were at home, he'd lock himself in the closet, with me begging him to come out.

He'd open the door for me right before passing out so he could at least say he tried.

If we were in public or at a hotel, he'd lock himself in the bathroom and do the same thing.

The sound of vomit smattering the floor has me wincing as he mumbles "fuck it" and opens the stall door, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

"Don't fuckin' give me that hit dog look." He tells me, moving past me to the sink, splashing some water on his face, smearing his already smeared eyeliner that makes him look like a raccoon that's been digging around in a dumpster.

"I'm not giving you any kind of look." I mumble, forcing him to look at me as I wet a paper towel and wipe his black-coated eyelids clean.

The smell of his vomit infiltrates my nostrils and I throw the paper towel away before pulling at his wrist to leave.

Being that he's perfected his magical potion, he isn't too jittery from the coke or nodding off from the heroin.

He's just quiet.

We leave Denny's and head straight to the airport to head back home, being they wrapped up the last show of the U.S. tour last night.

Next is Europe.

Once we land in L.A., Christmas music blares through the speakers of the airport and reminds me that it's already nearing the end of December.

Apparently Vince is reading my mind because he mumbles, "apparently time flies when you're in hell."

Amen, Vince. A-fucking-men.

The second Nikki and I get into the limo to take us to our house, he's busting out a vile of blow that's nearly empty.

"Fuck, I gotta get Jason over, asap." He tells himself and I rub my lips together.

"You know, we haven't even bought a Christmas tree since we've been married." I tell him, trying to distract myself from his previous comment.

"Yeah." He says, basically blowing me off and I reach the toe of my sneaker out and nudge him on the kneecap as he gets the tip of our house key and scoops some from the bindle, snorting a bump.

"Babe." I continue to tap his kneecap until he's got his hand around my ankle, loosely, stopping me.

"What, Viv?"

"What did I just say?" I ask him, crossing my arms.

He just blinks at me, smirking a little.

"I'll gladly tell you when I finish this." He holds the bindle up.

I lean forward and take it from him, holding it hostage when he attempts to take it.

"You'll get it back when I get a Christmas tree." I tell him, raising my brows.

"Are you fucking me right now?" He asks, chuckling, not thinking I'm serious.

"No...but now that you mention it, I want that, too. Then you can get it back." I add and he smirks.

By the time we get to a department store, get my clothes back on and his pants zipped back up, grab an artificial tree, lights and ornaments, and finally get to the house, it's nearly one in the morning.

"Okay, Saint Vivian, gimme my shit back." Nikki states, carrying the boxed up tree while I carry the bags of lights and ornaments.

"Put the tree up so I can decorate it and I will." I reply.

"That wasn't apart of the deal." He argues, his tone still light.

"Well now it is." I reply.

"That's cheating."

"I made the deal. I make the rules." I shrug.

"You're making me work for something that's already mine." His free hand pulls at my waist, turning me to him and I grin mischievously as he shakes his head a little. "That's it, Sixx." He tells me before crouching enough to wrap his arm around my thighs and throw me over his shoulder.

I laugh manically, partially out of fear that he'll drop me, but also because this is the Nikki I fell in love with.

Playful, lighthearted, aggravating but meaning well, Nikki.

He manages to dig his house key out again and unlock the door before stepping in and turning on the lights in the foyer.

"Baby, put the bags down for now." He tells me and I drop them as carefully as I can while he puts the box the tree is in, down.

He's walking us to the living room, laughing when he pretends to trip and I gasp, digging my nails into him like a cat holding onto its owner to avoid a bathtub full of water.

When he flips the next light on, he stops immediately.

My mind is in shambles for a moment as I try to put together why so many people are in my house once Nikki's nearly dropping me out of shock, not even hearing them all scream out, "surprise!"

Steven and Tansy are at the forefront of people as the explosion of glitter, a mixture of neon and pastel decor, an abundance of various alcohol options, scantily clad women, a handful of Nikki's friends he hangs out with outside of Mötley Crüe, and a big ass, two-tier cake with every curse word known to man written in pristine is cursive font on the sides of it is soaked in by mine and Nikki's eyes.

Steven's wearing a beer hat, smiling widely, while Tansy looks like a sallow Barbie doll, but she's still forcing out a grin for the sake of us, and everyone's waiting for mine and Nikki's reactions.

Nikki and I exchange looks, confused as ever.

"Why is it a surprise?" I finally ask, deciding it's best if I ask instead of Nikki, because all he wanted to do was come in, shoot up, have a few lines, fuck around with me some more, and pass out.

But instead he's being forced to socialize in his own house.

His safe place has been infested.

Steven and Tansy seem horrified that we don't understand the reason for the apparent party.

"...Because it's your birthday?" Tansy reminds me.

"And Nikki's was a couple weeks ago, but he wasn't here to celebrate it." Steven adds, his smile is long gone, his eyes focused on Nikki who looks like he could kill someone right now.

"Oh, right!" I pretend that I know that it's my birthday today, and everyone seems to let out a breath of relief. "It's been a long day." I explain, stepping to the two blondes, hugging them both tightly. "Thank you so much."

While everyone else starts going on with the party, music starting to blare throughout the house on the stereo speakers, cracking open beer, whiskey, and vodka, as girls strip down to bikinis to go swimming, Nikki's still standing at the door, the look on his face is a mixture or pissed off, disappointed, and "I need another dose."

"Babe." I say gently to grab his attention, hazel eyes looking to me as a jaw tightens. "C'mon, just for a couple hours."

"I'll be right back." He tells me, shoving through people to get to our bedroom.

I brush off his attitude the second I feel hands on my shoulders, squeezing them a little and I snap around to meet Duff's chest.

"Hey, birthday girl." He greets me cooly, and I'm hugging him before I can stop myself.

Something wet falls on my hand when I pull away, and just as I'm about to look around for whatever it was, his fingers that are sticking out of leather gloves that just cover his palms, are brushing at my face.

"What's up?" He asks me, furrowing his brows a little.

What is up? Why the hell are you crying?

"I-I'm happy." Is all I can say, chuckling, wiping more tears.

He knew it was bullshit. I was happy, sure. Happy to get the fuck off the road. Happy to get a break from Nikki and Tommy harassing Vince. Happy to get away from Doc's constant pressing for more tour dates to milk as much money as possible. Happy to be able to hangout with balls of optimism and sunshine like Duff and Steven and have Slash show me his pet snakes like he'd been meaning to, and for Izzy to tell me what music I should have been listening to, and for Axl to go on and on about Tansy but then completely deny he was interested in her because he was too much of a dork to just ask her out.

"I'll be right back, alright?" I tell Duff, looking around to see Nikki's nowhere to be seen.

"Okay." He tells me, swigging from a bottle of vodka.

I thread through people who tell me "happy birthday" and I thank each of them, genuinely, before opening up the bedroom door, and shutting it behind me, stepping to our bathroom.

"Baby?" I ask, seeing Nikki standing at the mirror, teasing his hair some more. "I had no idea they would do this." I tell him.

"I had no fucking idea it was even your birthday, apparently." He grumbles. "Shows how much I care, right? Husband of the year. Something else to be hung over my head anytime we get into a fight."

"Hey, I didn't even know it was my birthday. The guys didn't either. You've all been busy and working hard and tired. I'm not going to hold this over you, Nikki." I assure him, fixing a piece of his hair for him.

I didn't realize his pride was so hurt by the gesture Steven and Tansy made.

I found out later it was Duff who brought up the idea to Tansy, who recruited the Ken to her Barbie: Steven, to help her orchestrate it.

That was another indication to Nikki that he needed to slow down, forgetting his own wife's birthday, but he didn't listen to it a bit.

"I really don't want to do this shit, Vivian." He tells me, rubbing his eyes.

"And I do?"

"They're your friends." He sighs.

"What's mine is your's." I say as I kiss his cheek and he groans.

"You owe me." He tells me as I step out of the bathroom. "Matter of fact, I want my coke back."

"Um, I can't hear you, babe. I'm sure I will when these people leave." I tell him.

"Viv--"

"I-I think you're breaking up, I'll talk to you later." I keep going, walking to the bedroom door.

"I'll break something up when these people get the fuck outta my house!" He calls back and I shut the door behind me.

The night goes on as people play beer pong on the dining room table, dance on whatever and whoever they can, snort lines off any flat surface available, and chug whatever is in their cups, drowning pain and becoming oblivious.

I hate to break it to Nikki, but I don't want these people driving in their condition, so they'll have to stay here tonight or call cabs.

After a few hours, people are either pairing off or grouping off to go get laid, passed out, or too high to function properly and are just chilling out.

Steven's observing his work, drinking from his beer cans perched in his hat when I approach him, looking for Duff.

"Have you seen Duff?" I say over the music and he nods.

"Yeah, I think he's by the pool." He tells me.

"The pool?"

"Yep."

I furrow my brows, stepping to the French doors leading outside, seeing Duff and Tansy sitting down on the pool deck, talking

"Is he pissed?" She asks me, referring to Nikki, after I sit next to her.

"I would say go see for yourself but I don't want to toss you into the lion's den." I admit. "He hasn't come out all night."

"I'll go talk to him." She says. "If he's mean to me I'll just cry and make him feel bad like I do to Vince."

Duff and I exchange looks at her confident words before she's walking away in her neon pink bikini.

"Everyone calming down?" Duff asks in a slur, and I nod, glancing through the doors to look at the guests for a few seconds. "How does it feel to be twenty-two?" He adds, rubbing his nose and I raise my brows a little, glancing at the bottle of vodka he's been working on all night.

"It's weird." I mumble. "I was a senior in high school five years ago." The reality hits me and he raises his brows. "God, I'm old."

"You were seventeen your senior year?"

"In pre-k my teacher decided I was too smart for the class and vouched for me to be moved up to kindergarten, and it didn't take my kindergarten teacher long to convince the principle of the elementary school to let me start in the first grade since they hadn't really started in on their curriculum for the year." I explain.

"I couldn't even meet the basic requirements of alternative school." He tells me.

"You're a freaking genius, you just didn't apply yourself." I tell him and he shrugs.

"I had more important things to get done.

"I guess you did." I agree, gently scoring the bottle of alcohol away from him.

"I know you're tired of me saying this, but, Viv, you gotta get back to dancing."

"Yeah?" I ask.

"Yeah. I mean, imagine me giving up music for someone I'm in a relationship with so I can hold their hand or fucking babysit them or whatever. I mean, sure it shows I love them a lot, but it would just make who ever I was with look like a fucking bitch. And I've talked to Nikki before and he told me he didn't want you to quit dance and he wanted you to go to school." He explains. "Why didn't you?"

"I had more important things to get done." I repeat him.

"I don't know if you're selfless sometimes, or just not thinking." He says, before his face suddenly falls. "I sound like an asshole right now, I'm sorry." He apologizes and I shake my head.

"I'm not upset, I know what you mean." I assure him.

"Okay." He rubs his eyes again like a sleepy child.

"Do you need me to help you to bed?" I offer and he waves his hand at me a couple times.

"No, no, I got it." He assures me, standing up.

He nearly falls over.

"Yeah, I'm sure you do." I comment, helping him inside as he apologizes.

"I'm sorry I'm being out of hand right now, Viv, I don't get like this every night." He tells me as I open our guest bedroom and thank God nobody's in here, although it's obvious someone has been screwed to oblivion on the bed.

I just throw the blanket on the edge of the bed over the mattress and help him lay down.

"Thank you." He says as I pull his boots off and set them nice and neat on the floor at the foot of his bed.

"You're welcome." I reply, setting the garbage can beside him incase he needs it. "Goodnight."

I'm about to leave, but his hand gently grasps at my hand, stopping me.

"What is it?" I ask him.

"I'm really glad we met and we're friends, Viv." He tells me, grasping my hand in his like I'm going to walk out anyway and not listen to what he's got to say.

"I am, too, Duff." I say back, smiling a little. "Sleep tight, okay?"

"Yeah." He nods his head.

"Alright, goodnight."

I go to kiss him "goodnight" on the cheek, but my entire system and body locks up the second he misreads my intentions, and kisses me.

This sounds so counteractive to who I am now and what I stand for currently, and it was ignorant of me to think such a way back then, when so many people close to me were heavily affected, some of them even dying, by drugs and alcohol...but I use to wish I liked alcohol or drugs, or even felt drawn to them.

By '87 I'd had several miscarriages, my marriage was hanging by a thread after only being married for four years, I was having an identity crisis and my entire world was seeming to fall apart and it became routine to buy a bottle of vodka or whiskey, or pills, or blow and just stare at it--trying to convince myself to go for it--for an hour before pouring it out or flushing it.

The people around me, which by that point was mainly Duff and his band, started to pick up on this struggle I had. And although they knew I had to be in some kind of extreme pain to be considering reaching such lows, they carried an "if you don't laugh about it, you'll cry" method of pulling me out of such spells.

Anytime we would be hanging out and I'd opt to try something they were doing, they would call it the "Golden Question Game" because the "Golden Question" was always "is Vivian actually gonna do it this time?" and they wouldn't argue with me about it or try to stop me because they knew the answer would always be "no" even if I didn't think it would be.

I even made the reckless suggestion to try heroin, and got as far as Izzy getting it in the syringe for me, trying to explain to me how to shoot it, how to angle it, how to know I'd hit a vein, with Steven, Slash and Duff all waiting to see if I was that desperate for an escape.

Like everything else I would think about doing, I just sat on the floor next to Izzy and stared at the golden liquid in the syringe and thought, "who the fuck are you to get pissed and angry at Nikki and Tansy for their addiction to this shit, and how it's destroying them, and then turn around and do it yourself?"

I shot it into the air away from me, handed the empty syringe back Izzy, thanked him for letting me waste his time and dose of smack, went to the bathroom with Duff at my heels, and cried.

I never went through with any of it because I knew I would never, ever, come back from it.

I would've drank myself to death or drugged myself past the point of no return and would have ended up a statistic.

I just needed a new escape because my original high became a heroin addict, and December 23, 1985, had me realizing more about Duff than what I had noticed before: Vodka was a hell of a lot easier to be around than heroin.

#nikki sixx #vince neil #tommy lee #mötley crüe #the dirt #gateway drug

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dukereviewsxtra · 4 years ago

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Duke Reviews Xtra: Alice In Wonderland (1985) Part 2

Part 2 Opens Where The Last One Ended With Alice Scared Of The Jabberwocky, Wishing It Away, The Jabberwocky Disappears As She Hides Behind A Chess Board When She Accidentally Knocks It Over...

Seeing That She Knocked Down All The Pieces Onto The Floor, Alice Starts To Pick Them Up Only To Discover That They're Alive But They Can't Hear Her...

One By One Alice Lifts Up The White Queen (Played By Ryan Stiles)...

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The White King (Played By Harvey Korman) The Red King, And The Red Queen (Played By Bo Peep From Babes In Toyland) Who Believe That Alice Lifting Them Up Was A Tornado...

Hearing A Voice, Alice Looks Around The Room And Notices A Painting Of An Owl Come To Life As She's Transported To Looking-Glass Land...

Where The Owl (Played By Jack Warden) Explains That Until She Conquers Her Fears Of The Jabberwocky And Growing Up, She Will Be Unable To Return To The Real World And Will Have To Remain In Looking-Glass Land, Where Everything Is The Reverse Of What She Expects...

Walking In The Forest, Alice Has An Interesting Conversation With Some Talking Flowers (Including A Tiger Lilly (Played By Sally Struthers) And A Rose (Played By Donna Mills) Until The Red Queen Shows Up, Only This Time She Can Hear Alice And She's Full Size...

Telling Alice That She Is To Take The Place Of One Of The Pawns Of The White Queen In A Gigantic Game Of Chess. The Red Queen Tells That She Must Reach The Eighth Square To Become A Queen And Once She Does, She'll Be Able To Go Home After That She Disappears...

But Don't Worry, We'll See Her Again Later...

Boarding A Train To The Fourth Square, Alice Gets In A Car With A Goat (Played By Bobby Ewing) A Man In A Paper Suit (Played By Steve Allen) And A Horse (Played By Mr. Miyagi)...

Hurt By All Their Teasing And Rantings, She Calls The Goat Silly, As The Train Picks Up Speed With No Emergency Cord. But Pulling The Goat's Whiskers The Train Stops As The Conductor (Played By Merv Griffin) Tells Her To Get Off The Train...

Once Off, She Asks A Gnat (Played By George Gobel) If She's At The Fourth Square And He Says That She Is As He Warns Her To Stay Out Of The Woods...

But Not Heeding His Warning, Alice Meets Tweedle Dee And Tweedle Dum (Played By Steve Lawrence And Eydie Gormé) Who Sing The First Song In Part 2...

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Though In The Age Of The Coronavirus, It Ought To Be How'd You Do, Shake Elbows...

But Not In The Least Tired, They Take Alice To The Oceanside, Where They Tell The Story Of The Walrus (Played By Karl Malden) And The Carpenter (Played By Louis Nye) Which Is Our Next Song...

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Leaving The Tweedles After That, Alice Walks Through The Woods Again Only To Eventually Run Into The White Queen Who Sings The Next Song...

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But As A Consequence Of Living A Backwards Life, The White Queen Ends Up Becoming A Sheep...

We Then Watch As Alice Is Chased By A Giant Vulture, Which She Initially Believes To Be The Jabberwocky Only To Meet Humpty Dumpty (Played By Jonathan Winters)...

Unfortunately, However, The Jabberwocky Shows Up Again And Knocks Humpty Off Of His Wall As He Chases Alice Only To Lose Her Again...

Hiding In A Bush, Alice Meets The White King And His Messenger, Haigha (Played By Uncle Jesse)...

Who Sing The Next Song As They Take Alice To Meet The Lion (Played By Mermaidman)...

And The Unicorn (Played By Beau Bridges) Who Are Fighting For The Crown....

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However, They Call For A Temporary Truce When They Become Intrigued In Alice, Whom They Perceive To Be A "Fabulous Monster"...

Alice Attempts To Hand Out A Tray Of "Looking-Glass Cake" But Alice Cuts It The Cake Keeps Making Itself Whole, Explaining To Alice That Looking Glass Cake Has To Be Past Around Before It Can Be Cut, She Passes It Around And It Finally Cuts...

However, When A Loud Drumming Sound Happens, Alice Goes To Investigate When Everyone Starts To Ignore Her...

Captured By The Red Knight, When The Drumming Stops, Alice Is Soon Rescued By The White Knight (Played By Lloyd Bridges) Who Sings The Next Song As He Takes Alice To The Eighth Square...

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Leaving Alice At The Eighth Square, Alice Becomes A Queen As She Reunites With The Red And White Queens Who Invite Each Other To Alice's Dinner Party As They Have A Few Queenly Tests For Alice As We Get The Next 3 Songs From Them...

The First Song Is Good...

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But The Other 2 Songs You Can Just Skip As They're Not As Good As That One...

Leaving The Red And White Queens When They Decide To Take A Nap, Alice Finally Arrives At Her Castle Where She Not Only Reunites With The Red And White Queens, But The Queen And King Of Hearts, The White Rabbit, The Mad Hatter, The March Hare And The Doormouse, Who Sing The Next Song...

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But Despite Being Happy To See All Her Friends From Wonderland, All Alice Wants To Do Is Go Home, So, Giving Her A Present To Cheer Her Up...

Now, Do You Remember Last Time When I Talked About The Angry Video Game Nerd And How When He Talked About This Movie He Said That The Only Scary Scene With The Jabberwocky Was At The End Of The First Part?....

Well, When Alice Opens The Present, The Jabberwocky Pops Out Like A Stripper At A Bachelor Party And Starts Terrorizing Everyone In The Castle...

Now, For Some People This May Not Be Scary...

And If You're Not Scared, Great, I'm Amazed At How Brave You Are...

But To A Child, This Is Probably Scary!

And Even The White Knight Fails To Stop This Guy...

Running Through The Hall Of The Castle To Hide From The Jabberwocky, She Finds The Painting Of The Owl Who She Asks For Help Only For Him To Appear To Her And Remind Her That The Only Way The Jabberwocky Will Be Defeated Is By Acting Brave...

But Maybe Alice Won't Have To, As She Finds The Way Home Through A Mirror...

Then Again, I Lied, As The Jabberwocky Pops His Head Out Of The Mirror Like Jack Torrance Saying...

Seriously! This Isn't Scary?!? Cause I'd Sure Be Scared As A Kid!...

Anyway, This Leads Alice To Tell The Jabberwocky That He's Not Real And She Doesn't Believe In Him, Which Causes The Jabberwocky To Disappear In A Puff Of Smoke...

Passing Out In A Chair, Alice Is Woken Up By Her Mother Who Believes Alice Is Finally Old Enough To Join The Adults For Tea...

Very Happy, Alice Heads Upstairs To Change Only To Hear The Voices Of Her Friends From Wonderland And Looking-Glass Land, Who Appear To Alice Through The Mirror To Say Goodbye To Her Through Song...

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And That Is The 1985 Version Of Alice In Wonderland And It's One Of My Favorite Versions Of The Story...

This Adaptation Is Nothing But Fun, As Enchanting Music And A Wonderful Cast (For The 80's) Gets Us Through The Story, If You're Looking For A Great Adaptation Of Alice In Wonderland, This One Will Give You What You're Looking For And More...

Till Next Time, This Is Duke, Signing Off...

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the-lunar-mistress · 5 years ago

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Never Ending Survey: Sazlethan Mahvash

Rules: Repost, don't reblog, tag 10 blogs!

Tagged by: @captainkurosolaire

Tagging: @unkemptandtired @shadowheartxiv @clouded-vxle @quantum-milktea @glorified-thieves @bluebell-bluebird @yisu-xiv @fortress-and-flame @muted-howl @othard

BASICS.

FULL NAME: Sazlethan Mahvash

NICKNAME: The Lunar Mistress, Hingashi's Viper, Lulubell Vixen, Jewel, Saz

AGE: 63 (appears to be in her late 20's)

BIRTHDAY: 18th sun of the 6th umbral moon

ETHNIC GROUP: Rava Viera

NATIONALITY: Othardian

LANGUAGE/S: Dalmascan, Hingan, Old Auri, Common Eorzean, some Thavnairian

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Bisexual

ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: Demiromantic

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Single

HOME TOWN / AREA: A small village in the Golmore Jungle

CURRENT HOME: Hingashi

PROFESSION: Madame of The Viper's Nest - dancer's guild and lounge. Informant, assassin, and arcane specialist for The Court of Thieves. Black market Alchemist.

PHYSICAL.

HAIR: Snow white, often worn in a braid, pulled up into an intricate design with pins, or in wild untamed curls

EYES: Celeste green, hazy violet

FACE: Sharp angles, unnatural beauty, freckled

LIPS: Full, plush, and pouty

COMPLEXION: Tawny brown

BLEMISHES: None

SCARS: Burns on the palms of both her hands that are covered in ink, and whip scars littering the surface of her back.

TATTOOS: A tattoo of vieran origin along the bridge of her nose and chin. A moon tattoo of similar design between her breasts. And finally runes in the shape of an elemental wheel are printed on her palms and feet in aetheric ink.

HEIGHT: 5 fulms 10 ilms

WEIGHT: 153 ponzes

BUILD: Toned, curvaceous, and feminine. Built like an athletic dancer. In pristine physical condition.

FEATURES: Freckles, wide set eyes with lush frosty lashes, iconic black lipstick

ALLERGIES: ...people.

USUAL HAIR STYLE: Fitting for the occasion. However, it does fall to her ankles and she will never cut it.

USUAL FACE LOOK: Stoic, calm, and relaxed.

USUAL CLOTHING: Often tight revealing clothing or flowing dresses. Expensive fabrics inported from all over the realm. Notable colors being black, deep violet, and gold. Lots of jewelry.

PSYCHOLOGY.

FEAR/S: Deep waters, drowning, abandonment

ASPIRATION/S: Unknown

POSITIVE TRAITS: Charming, tactful, diplomatic, romantic, idealistic, peaceful, intelligent

NEGATIVE TRAITS: Indecisive, detached, a trouble maker, superficial, self-indulgent, devious

TEMPERAMENT: Choleric

SOUL TYPE/S: Scholar

ANIMALS: Snake

VICE HABIT/S: Drugs, sex, alcohol, and violence.

FAITH: The Kami

GHOSTS?: Of course. They never cease their rambling..

AFTERLIFE?: Yes.

REINCARNATION?: (Unknown) Bituun

POLITICAL ALIGNMENT: Centrist

EDUCATION LEVEL: Self taught

FAMILY.

FATHER: Unknown

MOTHER: Unknown

SIBLINGS: Unknown

EXTENDED FAMILY: Unknown

NAME MEANING/S: Moon-like

HISTORICAL CONNECTION?: ???

FAVORITES.

BOOK: Anything she can get her hands on

DEITY: Unknown

HOLIDAY: All Saints Wake

MONTH: October

SEASON: Summer

PLACE: Some secluded cove in the middle of nowhere

WEATHER: Warm, a light breeze, night

SOUND / S: Silence, hissing, screaming, moaning, howling, singing

SCENT / S: Lavender and cedarwood, sex, sweat, blood, rain

TASTE / S: Blood, Sahnti's cooking

FEEL / S: Expensive fabrics, skin on skin, flower petals, steel

ANIMAL / S: Snake, coeurl

NUMBER: 1

COLORS: Black, gold, purple

EXTRA.

TALENTS: Alchemy, dancing, singing, killing, manipulation, magic

BAD AT: Making friends, remaining stable

TURN ONS: Physical beauty, blood, unwavering dominance, intelligence

TURN OFFS: Weak minded people, filth, ignorance

HOBBIES: Hedonism, performing, people watching, baking, reading, playing instruments, stargazing

TROPES: Femme Fatale, Lady of black magic, The Ophelia

QUOTES: “Even in the wild submission is not given, it is earned. A wolf will not expose it’s throat because it’s told it should. Why then, would you expect a human being to do less. Earn it.”

“All was dark yet splendid–”

“If you want change, you have to invite chaos”

“Lick the blood from my hands and tell me you still love me.”

“Why should I apologize for being a monster? Has anyone ever apologized for turning me into one?”

“It is a sweet and precise torture.”

"I heard you call to me in my dreams. I heard you weep...and it was the sweetest sound I had ever heard..."

"Please...stop talking. If I cared about the words coming out of your mouth, I would not be trying to actively read the ones in this book. You understand now? Good. Now leave me."

"Did you just...pull my hair? For gods sake woman have some class. This isn't a bar fight."

"Do you think I'm bothered by the idea of spilling your blood? Sweetheart. The very ground you stand on is soaked with my sins. But go ahead and keep screaming. Let me feast on the terror I see in your eyes."

"Did I stutter? Clothes. Off. Now."

MUN QUESTIONS.

"Go ahead. Scream. Let me hear the results of my efforts on your tongue."

Q1 : If you could write your character your way in their own movie, what would it be called, what style would it be filmed in, and what would it be about?

A1: I'm pretty bad with coming up with names. I don't know honestly. I like names that are symbolic and don't tell you anything about the movie till the very end. Like a song whose title isn't in the chorus. It would definitely be erotic and R rated. High fantasy without any restrictions. Dark, magical, and probably a bit of a psychological horror. It would be about all those Unknown details no one knows about her. A bit of a narrative.

Q2 : What would their soundtrack/score sound like?

A2: Haunting sympathy pieces. I dunno like...HANS ZIMMER THANKS

Q3 : Why did you start writing this character?

A3: I was really depressed about a year ago. Writing her was a way for me to dump and cope with all those negative emotions without feeling bad about feeling the way I was. Her character and the way I write her is very raw and passionate and relatable.

Q4 : What first attracted you to this character?

A4: Sazlethan is a small part of me but she is also everything I'm not. Probably even what I wish I was. She's sexy and smart and could care less about what anyone could possibly think about her. She perseveres through the situations I put her through and grows for these things even when it gets rough. And I admire the strength he has and the dedication she puts into her passions. She always gets back up on her feet.

Q5 : Describe the biggest thing you dislike about your muse.

A5: It is literally impossible for her to settle down and build any kind of relationship. She gives a little and then just disappears.

Q6 : What do you have in common with your muse?

A6: Wine, sex, zodiac, and minding our own damn business.

Q7 : How does your muse feel about you?

A7: Saz is vengeful and I can't fight. She'd most definitely kill me.

Q8 : What characters does your muse have interesting interactions with?

A8: Characters who don't play by the rules.

Q9 : What gives you inspiration to write your muse?

A9: Movies and music

Q10 : How long did this take you to complete?

A10: Can I sleep now?

#tags #thanks for the tag bb!#sazlethan mahvash #survey

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rainyrowan · 6 years ago

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Sunkissed - Chapter 1

description: Wedding of the century rolls around as the previous college clique, along with the rest of their family members, stay in preparation for it. During this time, Riley meets Lucas, a gorgeous, green-eyed wallflower who happens to be immediately taken by her. Little did she know, he has a deep secret. One that will either change her views on him forever or make her feel closer to his world.

word count: 2,626

pairings: riley x lucas

Song: Annabelle’s Homework by Alec Benjamin

chapter one; riley

Sparkley Farkley: Did you know that the slowest marathon time ever is 54 years, eight months, six days, eight hours, 32 minutes, and 20.3 seconds? Yeah, in 1912, an Olympic marathoner from Japan supposedly disappeared during the middle of a race. Some say that he stopped to get a drink from an outdoor party, but ended up staying longer than he should have. Risque, if you ask me. Anyways, he was too embarrassed to finish the race, so he flew back to Japan instead. Years later, he decided to finish what he started by running the whole marathon himself. What I'm trying to say is WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? Riley, you're seriously taking much longer to get to the boardwalk than this Japanese marathon guy. Hurry!!

I looked at the horrifically long paragraph Farkle had sent me and sighed. Being best friends with him also meant being best friends with your very own encyclopedia, which can be extremely useful at times. Although, it really isn't when your phone is constantly being bombarded with numerous texts about everything and nothing.

Gentle reminder that I live farther from the beach than you do. I'll be there soon! Don't miss me too much :)

I quickly text back. I gripped onto my camera strap, which is draped over my shoulder, as I start quickening my pace.

When we became closer over the years, Farkle and I both created a tradition of spending almost every Saturday down at the boardwalk. In regards to this, the main rule that we've agreed upon would be that if one of us couldn't make it, we would have to have an extremely valid excuse. Me being the more "laid back" friend, I've been pretty lenient on Farkle if he couldn't make it. Wish I could say the same about him, though.

Last night, I had to stay up till two in the morning helping my mother out at the flower shop. Arranging flowers isn't as easy as one may think. In result, I woke up later than usual, causing me to be about 30 minutes late. So far, I've received a fact text from him for every minute I ran late. It truly amazes me how he could just drop these facts off the top of his head.

I'm practically already running when I see Farkle by the entrance, arms crossed.

"I'm sorry!" I pant. I take a second to breathe before I continue speaking. "I.. I woke.. Wow, I'm not cut out to be.. an athlete, huh?" I joke.

He rolls his eyes as a grin forms on his face. "Where were you?"

"I was up all night helping my mom with the flowers. I woke up super late. I'm so sorry."

He nods in approval of my excuse. "That's okay. However, I don't think we could go to the diner now. Brooklyn and her minions are there. Seated in our spots too!"

The thought of Brooklyn made me sick to my stomach. Brooklyn was the Regina George of Harbor High School, and basically all of Santa Cruz. Like your typical teen cliche, she was the popular girl who also the prettiest. Brooklyn also had her own entourage, as she always had two minions following her. With her bitchy personality, you may say that it's surprising that she gets all the guys. With her body, though, it really isn't. It's probably how she had my crush of four years and counting, Charlie Gardner, falling for her.

"Well, I guess we would have to postpone our meal then," I say, linking my arms with his. We enter the boardwalk and head straight for the arcade. We're surrounded by all the games you could never ever get tired of. From Dance Dance Revolution to laser tag to racing games, the Santa Cruz Boardwalk Casino Arcade has you covered. Farkle and I have our common favorite, air hockey.

He let go of my arm, dashing straight to the air hockey table. "You ready to get your ass beat?"

He asks, slipping in a token. We love each other very much, but when it comes to air hockey, it's like we're two different people.

"You should be asking yourself that, Minkus." As air starts to shoot through the tiny holes from the table, we both grabbed our paddles. Suddenly, the puck falls through my pocket instead of Farkle's. "Well, that's a first! I guess I'm starting."

I hit the puck as hard as I can towards his goal. Hoping that this time my first hit would make it, he blocks the puck in a swift move and smiles. "Not today." This goes on for quite a bit. I concentrate on the puck as it glides across the table back and forth. That is, until a distraction came my way. Charlie.

I offer him a double take before actually realizing that it was him. He probably didn't even notice me, which was a good thing on my part. I didn't want him to know that I was here. Out of impulsive thinking, I ducked down to hide behind my side of the table. This wasn't really the best decision, though. Farkle managed to make a goal and yell on behalf of his victory. I don't even have to see what's happening to know that attention was surely brought towards us.

"Farkle!" I call out in a whisper. He walks around the table and takes a seat next to me.

"So, explain to me why we're hiding behind- "

"Riley!" Charlie exclaims. Mortified, I lift my head up to find him standing right in front of us.

"Hi, Charlie." I saw awkwardly. Thankfully, Farkle gets up off the ground and pulls me up, as I was too scared to even move.

Farkle clenches is jaw subtly enough that no one could notice, except for me. It's safe to say that he never liked Charlie. I don't blame him. Most of the time, he can be a total jackass.

I'm not too sure how or why I've liked him for so long, and still currently do. I like to think it's because of the fact that I'm always seeking the best in people. I don't necessarily like making assumptions out of people based on looks or first encounters. For Charlie, I realized how much of a good person he is, deep down, whilst working on a school project with him in the public library. My father, who so happened to be my teacher, assigned both of us as partners for a project that we had to turn in a matter of three days. Within those three days, we'd head to the library at night to work, but we were never productive. All we did was talk. Well, all Charlie did was talk. About himself, of course. I would just sit and listen. It was kind of odd not taking part in the conversation, but I mostly did not mind. As a matter of fact, I remember feeling like it was for the best since I would most likely say something stupid. Plus, I got to learn more about him and who he truly was. The downside of it was that I had to take our project home and finish it myself, but I thought that it was worth it. From that moment on, I couldn't help but keep thinking about him, about us.

Charlie extends his hand out to Farkle, expecting a shake, but he steps back. "I'll wait for you outside." He tells me. No, no. Please don't leave me alone with him.

"Well, that was awkward." He laughs. "But anyways, I am so glad I caught you. I was wondering if you're free like right now? I was hoping that you could help me out with something."

Crap. As much as I would love to help him, I promised Farke that I would spend the day with him. However, as I was looking up at Charlie's mesmerizing brown eyes, I seem to have ignored that fact. "Um, sure." I squeaked. I clear my throat and try again. "What would I be helping you with exactly?"

"You see, we're doing headshots in drama, and you're kind of known to be a really talented photographer," I blush as he says so. Along with the fact that his words make me swoon, another thing about Charlie that I liked was the fact that he is a performing arts fanatic. I'm presuming that it's something that he would like to achieve in the future. He's actually really talented if I'm being honest.

"So, would it be alright if you got a couple of portrait shots of me by the beach?" Charlie asks.

"Maybe in return, I can buy you a milkshake afterward."

Farkle is so going to kill me after this. "Er, okay."

"Great! C'mon, let's go." He starts heading towards the exit as I trail behind him. Hoping that he was the gentleman I thought he'd be, I expected him to open the door for me. Instead, he ends up leaving it to close behind him. I sigh, disappointed for getting ahead with my thoughts. Once I've exited the arcade, I immediately scan my surroundings in search for Farkle.

"I'm here." He calls out from behind me. I turn to find him leaning against a wall.

"You're going to hate me," I confess.

A smirk creeps up on his face. "Not gonna lie, I was already kind of assuming."

"You're not mad?"

"No," Farkle says softly. "I still hate that bastard, though. But I mean if you like him that much-"

I pull him into a hug. "Thank you," I whisper.

"Yeah, okay." He wraps his arms around my back and chuckles lightly.

"Riley?" Charlie yells.

I pull away from Farkle and adjust my outfit. This would technically be the first time I get to hang out with Charlie alone, so I obviously want to look presentable. However, that's clearly not the case since I'm currently in my maroon Harvard sweater that Farkle had actually bought me from when he visited last year, along with a pair of faded ripped jeans.

"Do I look okay?" I ask.

He holds two thumbs up. "Can't say no to a girl in Ivy League gear."

"I love you, and thanks a bunch!" I plant a quick kiss on his cheek before running towards Charlie.

Once I've caught up to him, we both head to the beach together.

I truly do love the beach. I love the ambiance of waves crashing against the shore, along with the wailing of seagulls as they soar across the sky. Not to mention, the smell of the ocean beach as well. Everything about the beach is so captivating and peaceful, especially since it's a little early and not a lot of people are here. The afternoon is the absolute worst time to visit the beach. The fact that there are so many people who usually come on a day to day basis, makes me a little anxious to go.

Charlie leads me to where the dock is located. Farkle and I would usually come to take pictures underneath the dock. This area is quite aesthetically pleasing.

"I think this is a great spot." He says, placing his bag down as I begin to adjust the settings of my camera. I let him know that I'm ready once everything's all set. Charlie then runs towards the shoreline and starts posing of a shot. Since I'll be capturing portrait shots, I made sure that my camera is set so all my photos can have a shallow depth of field. This way, Charlie will be in focus as the background will be a bit blurry. After taking a few photos here and there, I stop to look at them. Charlie was perfectly centered, the lighting was on point, and all shots have great composition. Perfect. I think to myself. However, Charlie apparently doesn't exactly think so when he sees them.

"Yeah, this situation just isn't working for me. Let's try something different." He looks around for a moment. "Here, why don't you get some bird-eye shots of me laying on the sand."

I was a little offended that he didn't like the photos I originally took. I spoke out, irritated. "I thought we were taking portraits?"

"I'm just trying to think outside of the box here, Riles. Maybe the photos will turn out better." I scoff at what he had just said. What difference does it make? You're just going to be lying down. And I thought all headshots were portraits. There he goes acting like a douche, but here I am, still taking interest in him.

Charlie lies down on the sand and places his hand behind his head. From the looks of it, he could pass for a Hollister or Abercombie & Fitch model. I stand directly on top of him to get good shots. If I'm being honest, this isn't the ideal position I'd want to be in. It's a little uncomfortable and weird, really.

Suddenly, water hits the shore and Charlie attempts to save his khaki pants by jerking straight up. Instead, jerking straight up somehow caused me to tumble forward, allowing both of us to fall back down. I also end up dropping my camera on the sand. Water continues to run beneath Charlie, which caused his whole outfit to be soaked. "Shit!"

The water still kept going around us. I panic as I watch it slowly ooze towards my camera. Miraculously, the water stopped before it could reach it. I graciously let out a sigh of relief. "Will you get the fuck off of me now?!" He yells in annoyance. I flinched when he does so and realize that what was happening: I was on top of Charlie Gardener. Because I was on top of him, I didn't get hit by the water at all. I quickly scurried to my feet and grabbed my camera. I turned to Charlie, who was still really angry that he was drenched. He got up from the ground and gathered his stuff. "Thanks to you," He snaps. "I am soaking wet, and I have rehearsals for the musical after this!"

I feel a familiar tightness gripping my throat. As Charlie continues to curse at me, a burning heat rushes through my body and I can hardly breathe. The DJ over by the boardwalk starts blasting music that seems to be ten times louder than usual. My surroundings then become too horrifically bright. My hands become clammy as I start to lose control of my body. My vision starts to get blurry and my heartbeat begins to speed up to the point where I could hear it.

Once Charlie finishes grabbing his stuff, he walks over to me. He stops and takes a deep breath. "Just email me the photos whenever you can." And with that, he walks away. When I've lost sight of him, I walk towards the pebbles near the ocean. I stare out to sea, trying to take big breaths. I stay until I've finally coaxed my heartbeat back to normal.

#gmw #rucas #riley matthews #lucas friar #my fics #girl meets world #well here she is! my lil project that ive been ingacnito with #hope you enjoy!#chapter 2 is linked to my wattpad #so feel free to check it out:))

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caasiturner · 6 years ago

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Hurricanes and Jon.

Jon Bellion is an extremely talented artist. My favorite album of his is The Human Condition. Every single song is a straight banger, his beats stir up all kinds of emotion, and his lyrics speak to the depths of my soul. My favorite track is, however, Hand of God. Throughout the song he speaks of his stresses, ex-girlfriends, and the struggle of life. The line that really resonates with me is,

“ I might break

Angry at all the things, angry at all the things I can't change

When you're lost in the universe, lost in the universe

Don't lose faith

My mother says, "Your whole life's in the hand of God"

Nothing has changed, he is the same

"Your whole life's in the hand of God"

That’s hard for me to accept. I can’t see that hand. We sung about it a lot growing up, “He’s got the whole world in his hands, etc, etc. etc.” We talked in Sunday School about how there’s a God who’s got His eye “on the sparrow”. We are told there’s someone who knows our every need. But as an adult it’s really hard to believe.

As I’ve reiterated countless times before I tend to be a doubting Thomas in search of constant reassuarance. A person who needs tangibles, reasons, hard data and evidence. I need to figure everything out, most likely due to never knowing during my childhood. I need to be able to hang onto things, to fully understand. I don’t take things at face value, I research, I make hypothesis and test them, I deduce and find the answer.

But life has a sense of humor.

Every time I start to figure out things the slightest bit, I am humbled, reset, back handed if you will. This year I finally saved my first thousand dollars. Now maybe to you that’s insignificant. For me it was huge. I grew up under the poverty line, and through a lot of sweat and blood, I’ve been paying my own way since I was 17. To finally see four digits in my savings was an amazing feeling.

I struggle hanging onto relationships. I’ve been transparent about this multiple times. It’s been hard getting over my latest relationship mostly because she was nearly everything I thought I wanted. Some days it’s hard to believe there’s something better out there. Or that I am even meant to be with someone. But, after not speaking since summer I finally felt in a good place mentally and emotionally.

Then this week happened.

My clutch in my car is now shot. It’s gonna cost over five-hundred dollars to fix. Everything I worked for is gone in a single day. Just like that.

The girl I felt I had finally moved on from texted me, asking for help. My heart literally dropped and I wasn’t sure how to feel. Anger in the fact you hit me up because you need something. Confusion in why would you turn to me. Eagerness to assist and concern in because I still care for you as a person no matter the past.

I yelled at the sky. I’m frustrated. Angry even. Tired of fighting. Aching for this horrid year of 2018 to be over.

I feel like a ship trying to weather a storm. Every time I conquer one wave, yet another crashes down. I feel like I’ll never get my head above the water, as if God Himself finds a sadistic joy in personally holding me under. I strive and fight so hard, yet all ends the same. Empty. Meaningless. Hopeless even.

I just want to figure this all out. Know what I’m suppose to be doing. Know what I’m doing wrong. Know why everything is a constant struggle. Know why am I even here or what my purpose is.

People say I bless their life all the time. I’m so genuine or so kind or so this and blah blah blah. You don’t know me. You can’t even imagine half of what I’ve felt or gone through. Walk a mile in my shoes and you’d probably trip over the size of my feet. You don’t see my inside world, what I battle every day, or the stuff I see. You don’t see the tortured mind of an artist, the confusion of a twenty-two year old, the anxiety and worry of someone who’s living far above his years, the broadness of my back as I carry countless bags of baggage and multiple burdens (some self-inflicted and some who are by rights others to carry).

You don’t see the homesickness for someone I haven’t yet met. The tiredness of being called “baby” by people who don’t mean it (Shout out my guy Ed Sheeran). You don’t see how lost I am or how badly I want to be found. You don’t see how “I don't want to kill myself because others will get the job of cleaning up my blood from a gun shot, cutting the rope above my head or telling my parents I'm dead. I just want to disappear.”

How’s that lyric go Mansionz?

“...Nobody knows, nobody knows, no one (no one)

You'll never know, you'll never know me,

I wanna believe in religion

But nobody reminds me of God

I wanna believe in what I hear and what I read

But it mostly reminds me I'm lost

I wanna believe that when I fuck it's romantic

But no lovers remind me of love

And I need to believe in moderation

'Cause believers believe in too much

I learned to lie

I learned to lie when I was younger

Tell me somethin' true...”

Yeah. I feel that on a spiritual level.

But.

To live by feelings is to live falsely. Feelings lie. Feelings change. Feelings come and go. What holds us together?

Faith.

A “ Complete trust or confidence in someone or something.”

A “ Belief; the assent of the mind to the truth of what is declared by another, resting on his authority and veracity, without other evidence (Webster).

Faith in there being a greater plan. Faith in a better tomorrow. Resting my life and hopes and dreams, without other evidence, into “The Hands of God.” A higher being. Something larger than myself. without seeing the end result. That’s completely counter intuitive my nature.

Maybe Puddleglum from The Chronicles of Narnia states it best in C.S Lewis’s classic The Silver Chair. Our hero is hard pressed, and a witch is doing all she can to convince him to lose his faith in the great lion Aslan and his memories of life above ground. Just as he is about to give over to her power he states,

“ All you've been saying is quite right, I shouldn't wonder. I'm a chap who always liked to know the worst and then put the best face I can on it. So I won't deny any of what you said. But there's one more thing to be said, even so. Suppose we have only dreamed, or made up, all those things-trees and grass and sun and moon and stars and Aslan himself. Suppose we have. Then all I can say is that, in that case, the made-up things seem a good deal more important than the real ones. Suppose this black pit of a kingdom of yours is the only world. Well, it strikes me as a pretty poor one. And that's a funny thing, when you come to think of it. We're just babies making up a game, if you're right. But four babies playing a game can make a play-world which licks your real world hollow. That's why I'm going to stand by the play world. I'm on Aslan's side even if there isn't any Aslan to lead it. I'm going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn't any Narnia. So, thanking you kindly for our supper, if these two gentlemen and the young lady are ready, we're leaving your court at once and setting out in the dark to spend our lives looking for Overland. Not that our lives will be very long, I should think; but that's a small loss if the world's as dull a place as you say.”

Do I have that faith? Faith to believe no matter what lies I tell myself it’s all for a reason? That there is something out? That this world I currently see is but a shadow, a vapor, a breath, a blip in an endless line of eternity? That there are no accidents, or meaninglessness?

Can I believe that?

I want to. I am tired of keeping my hands on the Wheel of this ship. I’m tired of trying to keep my ship afloat. I’m tired of trying to do everything from my own power. I’m tired of failing at attempting to run out this storm, keep my sails aloft, or row my own way.

So this is me.

I’m giving over for I have no one else to turn to.

Friends and family can’t help me. Money won’t save me. Running away is a temporary solution. So here is a public declaration. I surrender. I give up. Take this wheel. Beach this ship if you have to.

Just take my life and place it into your hands.

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