#it was like an emphasis on the Thing chasing them not being like a scary demon

[wrenkos]

extremely vivid dream i had of venti and furina running down a hall being chased by this "heavenly being" or something ? hard to explain but i wanted to draw it

[tongue-like-a-razor]

Brother's Best Friend - Part 7

Jake Seresin x F!Reader

A/N: Yay we're finally back with our favorite BBF! This chapter was inspired by a photo of Glen at an amusement park that's been floating around recently. If anyone could convince me to step foot into a haunted house, it would be Jake.

Summary: The trials and tribulations of falling for your brother's best friend.

CW: Haunted house attraction with mild (fake) gore, swearing, SLOW BURN YOU'VE BEEN WARNED DON'T COME FOR ME XD

WC: 3000+

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Masterlist

“I don’t do haunted houses,” you say when Jake makes the suggestion for the fourth time that afternoon.

He and Bradley have just returned from the river log ride completely soaked and stupidly giddy. Jake raises his eyebrows at you. “You’ll go on the tallest roller coaster in the park but you’re afraid of a couple of zombie clowns?”

You cringe. “What the fuck are zombie clowns?”

Jake shrugs. “Whatever they are. It’ll be fun.”

“You’re really selling it,” you respond dryly. “But I think I’ll stick to the funnel cake.” You nod toward the stand a few yards away.

“You already skipped out on the log ride,” Bradley complains.

You eye his still-dripping shorts with a grimace. “It’s barely 60 degrees,” you say, tugging up on the zipper of your hoodie for emphasis.

Jake plants himself across from you at the bistro table and leans into it to get your attention. “You don’t actually want to sit here by yourself for another hour, do you?”

You shrug, glancing around. “I don’t mind, actually,” you say, your gaze drifting with the crowd as you pick out the best looking males. “I got asked out twice while you two were gone.”

Jake makes a disgruntled sort of face like he’s getting impatient. “Who asked you out?” he says with a hint of distaste as though he already disapproves. He glances around at the crowd of passersby suspiciously.

“Well, they’re gone now.”

Jake lets out an irritable sigh and looks back at you. “Come on, you’re not a wimp, Bradshaw.”

You shake your head. “That’s not going to work.”

“Let’s just go, Jake,” Bradley says. “We can’t force her.”

Jake stares at Bradley. “Didn’t you hear her? She’s being approached by random men. We can’t just leave her here.”

Bradley snorts. “Why not?”

Jake appears uncomfortable, but only for a moment. He shifts his weight in the chair and turns back to you. “I distinctly remember all three of us at Castle Frankenstein like ten years ago.”

“Mm-hm,” you reply. “And, since then, I don’t do haunted houses.”

Jake grimaces. “Why not?”

You give him a flat look. “You don’t remember?”

Jake furrows his brows and shakes his head.

“Oh yeah!” Bradley exclaims. “Good times.”

You stare at your brother crossly and then roll your eyes.

Jake glances between the two of you inquisitively. “All I remember is getting hot dogs right after,” he says.

You sigh. “You two assholes told me it wouldn’t be scary and then, after luring me in, you took off laughing! You left me behind to do the whole thing by myself.”

Bradley is chuckling smugly, but Jake looks mildly horrified. “Wow, we were shitheads,” he says with a cringe.

“Dude, we’re still shitheads,” Bradley points out.

Jake looks up at his friend with a wince and then rubs his forehead guiltily. “Y/N,” he says. “I promise you that, if you come, we’re not gonna ditch you.”

“Speak for yourself,” Bradley says with a playful grin.

Jake gives him a stern look before glancing back at you. “I promise I won’t ditch you.”

You watch him skeptically, your arms folded over your chest.

“You trust me, don’t you?” he asks.

You purse your lips, trying not to be swayed by the slight squint of Jake’s eyes when he gives you a hopeful smile. You can’t help but daydream for a moment. You picture yourself being chased by zombie clowns with Jake by your side, holding your hand. And, if they’d get too close, maybe he would knock them out to keep you safe.

“Come on, sugar,” Jake says, interrupting your thoughts. He starts rising from him seat and holds out a hand for you. “We can use Bradley as a shield.”

You snort while Bradley shakes his head with a chuckle. “You can try,” he replies, starting for the haunted house.

You let out a sigh and take Jake’s hand, letting him drag you out of your chair. “I’m already regretting this decision,” you mutter.

Jake laughs. “This is gonna be fun!”

…

You gulp nervously as you step into the darkness. The moment the doors close behind you, your hand reaches out for one of the guys, making sure you're not alone. Somebody gives you a pat on the arm, silently reassuring as you advance. Suddenly, a loud bang to your right makes you jump, and you hear Jake's snicker right before he moves behind to lay a comforting hand on your shoulder.

“Wicked,” you hear Bradley say as he travels slightly ahead of you. You follow your brother with Jake close behind, probably much closer than he would be in broad daylight, especially with Bradley just a few steps away.

“Remember,” Jake mutters from behind. “If you don’t run, they won’t chase you.”

You whimper. “Who won’t chase me?”

In the sparse, flashing lights, you see your brother take off down the hallway, setting off several animatronics as he goes. You slow your pace and Jake, who is still sopping wet, walks right into you. The sudden chill of his saturated clothes takes you by surprise and you yelp, springing away from him.

Jake leaps after you to grab your arm when you nearly trip over the cadaver that falls out of the wall and right into your path. “Having fun?” he asks facetiously as he helps you regain your balance, and you can sense the grin on his face without even seeing it.

“I hate you for making me do this,” you hiss.

Jake wraps an arm around your shoulders and gives them a squeeze. “You’re doin’ great, sweet cheeks.”

You wince at the cold seeping through your shirt and wriggle out of his grasp. “Seresin, you’re all wet!”

“Sorry,” he mutters sheepishly.

Just then, a large gust of air hits you from the side and you scream, flinging yourself right back into Jake’s arms. Jake pulls you in immediately and spins you away, blocking the air current with his back. But your relief is short-lived because, out of nowhere, two clowns with melting faces come barreling toward you with their arms outstretched.

You scream and, despite the sudden weakness in your limbs, start sprinting down the dimly lit corridor, completely forgetting Jake's instructions.

Jake catches up to you quickly and when the clowns all but overtake you, he curls his arm around your waist and practically lifts you off the ground as he runs.

When you finally round the bend and lose the clowns, Jake slows down and releases you, letting you catch your breath as he places his hands on his hips and takes a look around. “That was awesome,” he says with a huge smile.

You’re still gasping for air when you look up at him with a scowl. “You’re a lunatic if you enjoyed that.”

He claps you on the back. “Don’t worry, darlin’. We’re almost half-way through.”

“We’re not even half-way done?” you whine.

Jake chuckles. “Admit it, you’re having a blast,” he says.

You whimper quietly when he motions for you to follow him down another dark hallway. “I am never letting you talk me into this nonsense again,” you grumble, staying close behind him just in case another zombie clown pops out of the shadows.

But what you do not anticipate is the vibrating floor that makes you jerk backward, nor the fog that suddenly floods the corridor, nor the alarming screams that attack from all directions, making it impossible to communicate. You feel the floorboards shift underneath your feet and you hold out your arms to stabilize yourself. You stagger backward into a wall, and it rotates behind you, further disorienting you.

“Jake?” you cry, realizing that you’ve lost him in all the commotion. But your voice is drowned out by the continuous screaming still reverberating all around you.

In the flashes of light, you can see dozens of hands rattling a chain-link fence that looks like it won’t hold for very much longer. You try to push your way back through the wall – the way you came in – but it doesn't budge, meaning you’re stuck in this room until you find another way out.

“Jake!” you yell again, terror rooting you to the spot. The fence to your right finally rips open and gangly arms start stretching out toward you, making you jolt backward. You shriek, moving along the wall slowly because you’re too afraid to fall into another trap.

You reach the end of the chamber, which opens up to a tunnel, and whimper tragically. Going in will surely mean that you will have to complete the haunted maze without Jake, but the tunnel is probably the only way out of this room.

You only have a second to deliberate however, because at that moment, the fence behind you comes crashing down and a horde of zombies escapes. In the shadows, it looks like there might be more than half a dozen of them stumbling in your direction, tripping over one another to get to you.

If you don’t run, they won’t chase you. If you don’t run, they won’t chase you.

But the zombies are still coming, their hideous shrieks even more off-putting than their decaying faces.

You lunge into the tunnel and sprint faster and faster even as the passageway dips and winds and darkens. At a certain point, you are forced to stop running because it gets too dark to find your way without holding your hands out to feel the curve of the walls.

And then you hear his voice.

“Y/N!”

“Oh my god! Jake!” you screech.

“Y/N?” he yells back.

You start pushing on the solid wall before you because it sounds like he’s right on the other side. “Jake, where are you?” You can hear the zombies gaining on you further up the tunnel and you sob, “Jake, please get me out of here.”

Suddenly, a door creaks open to your right and you start, cowering from the blinking red light that filters into the pitch black passage. But then you see Jake’s broad-shouldered silhouette enter through the opening and, in your relief, you throw yourself right into him, burying your face into his chest as his arms close around your back. His grip tightens as you clutch onto the front of his soaked shirt, and you can feel his mouth over the top of your head. “I’ve got you,” he mutters into your hair. “I’ve got you.”

But before you can sink into the feeling of having Jake Seresin’s strong arms supporting your trembling frame, you hear the sound of footsteps as the zombies come hurtling through the tunnel. Without a word, Jake pulls you sideways, tucking you and himself behind the open door. He brings a finger to his lips when he sees that you’re about to cry out, and you hold your breath, watching the flashing lights illuminate the exhilaration in his eyes.

You close your own eyes as the zombies near, deciding that no amount of attention from Jake is worth participating in this traumatizing experience. And you promise yourself that you will never be swayed by his stupid, irresistible smile again.

That’s when you feel his body brush up against yours. You open your eyes to see his face hovering over your own, watching you intently as the zombies race by your hiding spot. His mouth curls into a smirk when it becomes apparent that his plan has worked as expected. You try your best to concentrate on the direct threat of flesh-eating zombies and not on his leg that’s pressed into your thigh, or his hand that you suddenly notice is gripping your hip, but it isn’t easy prioritizing escape when his eyes are dancing with delight only about three inches from your face.

You want him to kiss you. You want him to kiss you so badly. Right here in the darkness, concealed behind a heavy, wooden door, surrounded by a dense mist and a musty smell, with the added ambience of distant screams in the background. But, of course, you aren’t going to voice this desire. Because that would be more terrifying than getting eaten alive by a bunch of zombie clowns. So, instead, you say, “Get me the fuck out of here, Seresin.”

Jake nods, stepping away from you slowly, almost reluctantly. He holds his arm out to direct you out of the tunnel through the splintered door. He leads you past the holographic apparitions that float eerily along the walls, through the hall of warped mirrors that make your eyes hurt and your head spin, and over the various trap doors in the final stretch of your journey.

But he stops when you get to a dark, narrow split between two concrete walls. “This is the exit,” he says with a grimace. “Sorry,” he adds.

You shake your head. “I’m not going in there.”

“There’s no other way out.”

You stare at him in horror. “I’m claustrophobic.”

Jake drags a hand over his face. “That’s not good,” he says.

You feel yourself start to panic so you lash out by slapping him on the shoulder. “How could you not know that?”

Jake shrugs. “I forgot, I guess.”

Your breathing accelerates as your heart pounds painfully against your ribcage. “I hate your guts, Seresin,” you mutter. “You’re going to pay for this.”

In response, Jake gives you a very broad, very happy smile, as though you didn’t just tell him that you despise him.

“What?” you say heatedly.

Jake continues grinning. “You’re mad.”

“Yeah, I’m mad! Why are you so happy about it?”

He shakes his head. “No reason.”

You glare at him. “You should fear my wrath.”

He bites his lip, watching you affectionately. “It’s definitely the scariest part of this whole place.”

“I’m angry!” you yell, although you feel a fit of laughter start to bubble up in your chest.

Jake tries to keep a straight face. “Okay, but, could you be angry in there?” He nods at the chasm leading toward the exit, his eyes scanning the area behind you. “Because the zombies are coming.”

He ushers you into the fissure between the walls, keeping his hand on your back as you make your way forward. The only thing that makes up for this stressful conclusion to an already harrowing adventure is that his fingers seem to slip further down your back the farther you walk, trailing past the waistline of your jeans and stopping in the vicinity of your back pocket.

“See?” he says cheerily as the gap between the walls begins to narrow. “It’s not that bad.”

You try to concentrate on the light touch of his fingers as he hooks a couple of them into the back pocket of your jeans rather than the cracking walls rising up on either side of your body that seem to be closing in on you the deeper you go.

“Just so you know, there’s going to be a vibrating floor tile somewhere up ahead,” Jake says quietly, very close to your ear. “It’s coming up.”

You look over your shoulder sharply. “No,” you respond curtly, as if you could will this particular contraption away.

Jake squeezes himself in between your chest and the wall, his fingers regrettably slipping out of your pocket. The space is so tight that, no matter how much you press you backs into the walls, your bodies are still touching. “You can do this,” he says. “I’m right here.”

You frown at him, annoyed and love-sick all at once. Why did he insist on you coming? Why did he bring you along knowing he’d have to babysit you the entire time? Unless he doesn’t mind being with you. Perhaps it’s what he was hoping for.

Jake’s eyes skim worriedly over your face. “Are you okay?” he asks.

You draw in a wavering breath, content to let him fret for another several seconds over your wellbeing. Finally, you respond, “If we survive this hellhole, I’m going to murder you.”

Jake chuckles, placing his hands on your shoulders. “If we survive this hellhole, I’m getting you two funnel cakes.”

You let out a resolute sigh and nod. “Make it three. I want one of each flavor.”

Jake grins. “You got it.”

You bring your hands up to push at his chest, squirming in the compact space against his shirt. “How are you still wet?” you say irritably. “We’ve been in here for hours.”

Jake makes a face. “It’s been like six minutes, actually.”

You groan. “And this is why I don’t do haunted houses.”

…

Finally – finally ­– you step out into the cool, breezy sunshine with Jake on your heels. Bradley waves at the two of you from across the walkway, coming over to greet you.

“Took you a while,” Bradley remarks.

You grimace at him. “It’s only been like six minutes,” you retort sourly.

Jake looks like he might be trying to suppress a laugh.

“As if you took off again,” you reprimand your brother.

Bradley shrugs. “The trick is to race through these things and not stop to smell the rotting flesh.”

You shudder. “I need to sit down; my legs feel like jelly.”

“Log ride?” Bradley says to Jake. “While this one recuperates?” He nods toward you with a grin.

Jake pinches at his still soaking shirt and then wrinkles his nose. “I think I’ll sit this one out,” he says. “Promised your sister I’d get her funnel cake.”

“Three,” you remind him.

Jake graces you with an amused smirk. “I would love to see you try to get through three whole funnel cakes.”

As Bradley takes off in the direction of the log ride, you glance at Jake apprehensively. “You could go with him,” you say, cursing yourself for even suggesting it because all you want is to spend some time alone with Jake – not inside of a nuthouse.

Jake gives you a quick smile before starting for the funnel cake stand. “Don’t want to,” he responds.

You fall into step with him, wondering why he’d rather hang around you than his best friend. As he’s ordering the funnel cakes, you decide that you’re reading too much into things and he’s probably just hoping to dry off before going on the next ride, and that his decision to skip the log ride has nothing to do with you at all.

But then, as the two of you watch the mesmerizing creation of the world’s most delicious pastry through the glass window of the kitchen, Jake says this: “Heard you broke up with what’s-his-name.”

Your grip on the tray in your hands tightens but your eyes remain on the rapidly frying dough. It was a casual question, and Jake isn’t even looking at you, but his repeated interest in your dating life continues to give you hope where there probably isn’t any. He’s just making conversation. You shrug. “He was an asshole,” you say nonchalantly.

“Told you he would be,” Jake responds with an equally casual tone.

You bite your bottom lip aggressively, tired of the ambiguity behind his words. “That’s fine,” you retort. “I’ve got options.”

That’s when Jake turns to look at you with a troubled pair of eyes.

“Your words,” you remind him. “So, I took your advice.”

He narrows his eyes. “What advice would that be?”

“I told you someone asked out,” you say, setting the first of your funnel cakes down onto your tray.

“You said yes?” he gapes at you. “To a stranger?”

You watch him pensively for a moment. “You know, I think we’re going to need another tray,” you say, deciding to keep him in suspense for another minute.

Call it payback or something.

Read Part 8

A/N: Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this installment of torturous pining. Don't forget to send in your ideas for these two in my ask box!

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[cottonlemonade]

Haunted House

word count: 883 || avg. reading time: 3 mins.

pairing: Sakusa x chubby!Reader

genre: fluff, established relationship

warnings: none

request: watching Nightmare Before Christmas with some caramel popcorn dressed as a witch with Sakusa || fluffy, going to a Haunted House with boyfriend Sakusa

Going to the Halloween Fair was a tradition that no amount of annoyed sighs and fake pleading glances from your boyfriend could derail.

You loved October and marked the occasion in your calendar well in advance.

Under a lot of protest and promises of watching horror movies with him only to pick them apart for their inaccuracies, Sakusa - black mask securely in place - eventually piled into the car with your friends. It wasn‘t as if he didn‘t like them but he liked them a whole lot less when they were loudly singing along to Spooky Scary Skeletons on your way to the fair.

As soon as you made it through the entrance, discussing which you wanted to hit first - the snack stand or seeing if you could persuade Sakusa to rent a couple's costume with you, someone ran towards you and skidded to a halt.

“Y/n! Good that you‘re here! We‘re one person short for the haunted house!“

“Huh!?“ Your eyes widened - during your high school days, you helped out every year with the fair all the way from ticket ripper to face painting. Being a monster in the haunted house was an honor and when you were finally appointed zombie number 4 for the first time, you raced home to call Sakusa with the amazing news.

“I‘m here with someone.“, you frowned apologetically, pulling your boyfriend closer for emphasis. He raised his hand to greet as if necessary.

“Please, we’re desperate! And you don’t have to do it all night. If you could just stall for an hour until the substitute makes it here…”

You met Sakusa’s eyes who tried to read your expression for if you wanted him to play the bad guy and tell you no or if you wanted support. It seemed like the latter.

“One hour isn’t too bad.”, he said in a low tone with a slight shrug, “I’ll just look around what other things we can do and make a list for when you’re done.”

“You sure?”

He nodded.

You got on your tiptoes to give him a kiss on the cheek and then left with a sad theatrical wave as though taking to the high seas.

Luckily, the costume for your necessary character was very loose to begin with. Playing a classic Japanese ghost, you needed a white flowy dress and a wig of long straight black hair. Minus the wig and unappetizing makeup though, the dress was a lot more fitted on your much chubbier figure. You turned in the dirty mirror in the second corridor of the house, thinking this outfit would definitely not be out of place at a summer garden party, but it was the best you could do under the circumstances. You just had to dial up the creepiness. One by one you made people scream in terror and run panicked to the next room. Proudly, you cleared your throat and went to the break room after half an hour for a quick sip of water - wheezing, screeching, and chasing after guests really took a lot out of a person. As you gulped down the soothingly cold drink you spotted your boyfriend amongst your group of friends, clearly having been dragged to join a round at the haunted house and excitement bubbled in your chest. Sakusa was not easily spooked. The closest to scared you had ever seen him was when he spotted a bug sitting menacingly on your living room coffee table during the summer when the screen door was open.

The most terrifying thing for him about this experience would be getting close to people - you chuckled at the thought and an idea formed in your head. You grabbed a little spray bottle with water from the prop pile on the table and returned to your post.

Most of your friends didn’t recognize you while you made them run for the hills. Your best friend went “hi Y/n”, gave you a high five, and moved on. Before she left she informed you that Sakusa was not far behind.

You pressed yourself with hunched shoulders into the blind spot close to the entering door and waited.

You heard the next guest enter and when he passed you in the half-darkness you identified the black curls and broad tall frame in an instant. The giddiness almost made you dizzy. Sakusa stood still for a moment, most likely letting his eyes adjust before pushing forward. In those precious few seconds, you snuck up behind him and, just like earlier, stood on your tiptoes, bringing your lips close to his ear, spray bottle raised. Channeling all your acting skills you imitated a loud wet sneeze, spritzing a bit of water on his neck at the same time.

If you’d had to guess, you wouldn’t have said that Sakusa’s screams would be this high-pitched. Nor that he jumped so high into the air that he knocked down a plastic spider with his head.

All professionalism left your body and you doubled over, wheezing with laughter. Your boyfriend clutched his chest and breathed heavily on the opposite wall. “Oh you think this is funny?”, he pressed out, making you only snort and cackle even more. “Just you wait!” You yelped in delight as he chased you down the corridor for his revenge.

art: @oknbird on Twitter

a/n: request for @liquidcatt

Thank you so much for the request! This was so much fun to write 🌟 I hope you enjoyed it! 🫶🏻

[shikisei]

congrats on the engarde reveal i hope it filled u with undescribable emotion

a lot of "holy SHIT" dropped in the vc that night. also this

like "oh fuck the guy who i thought was some loser douchebag goober is actually the literal scum of the earth and proud of it" genuine evil mastermind behavior what in the hell. what scares me most is how meticulous and thought-out he is about everything while being completely unashamed of it. when i first saw him at the beginning of the case i said "whoa. is he bisexual" and then it just went downhill from there. CORRIDA TOO TBH. i know he's dead but like neither of them are seeing heaven ok! also where'd he even get that drink.

i think this case is super dangerous and high-stakes the engarde reveal added so much more to how Dire this is going to be and how we're going to have to fight viciously until the end, while not really knowing how we're supposed to fight. it's really scary. it's making me really wonder what we have to do in the trial and how things will turn out. if we go for guilty verdict, then we have to worry for maya, but if we don't, then we face the moral struggle of letting someone who doesn't deserve it walk free. it's a lot to think about.

aa1 cases feel more like they focus on the slow burn mystery unraveling while aa2 cases feel more like the thrill of the chase and has a lot of emphasis on the sense of urgency everything has. i think especially since the major cases (bigtop dni) heavily involve characters we are already familiar with and has their individual circumstances lined up a specific way (edgeworth, maya) and even the short-term development with some characters (pearl, franziska, even engarde i think). and how circumstances and interactions lead to something in very specific ways that wouldn't be possible if it were any different. this isn't to say aa1 doesn't have its spectacular character moments, but i feel like it was more like packing snow together on your own, while this game is a snowball is rolling down a hill.

[aloneandunreal]

august 7, 2023

i'm having trouble knowing how to start this. i haven't posted in awhile, but twenty hasn't been too horrible to me so far. it still feels weird to say that i'm twenty, but i'm starting to feel it -- just a bit. emphasis on just a bit. for this post, i wanted to write a bit about my love life. relatively non-existent, but there has been some movement in the past week or so. though probably not anymore. but i'm getting ahead of myself.

i've always been the type of person who loved love. or at least the idea of it. even as a child, i would always pick someone to have a crush on when the school year began. sometimes it would stick, and other times my eyes would move elsewhere. of course, because i'm me, i never confessed my feelings to any of them. but, there was a sort of safety and comfort in leaving it as just a crush. while i had always wanted to be in a relationship, they were sort of scary. unknown territory. still are! i've always been relatively non-committal; bored easy. for the short time i was in a relationship (8th grade, so i don't really count it), i almost immediately felt trapped. not because of him, it wasn't as if he was controlling or anything of the sort, but for whatever reason i felt bound to him. sort of suffocating, in a way. same goes for the girl i "dated" for three days (something i always try to put out of my mind) who was constantly texting me and being clingy. i guess i've always been the type to want my own space. to be left alone. and my eyes always move elsewhere after a certain amount of time. while i would never cheat, i can remember when i did have a boyfriend, i was already developing a crush on somebody else. after awhile, it was no longer exciting. i was bored. i'm still like this, in a way. not that i'd really know, considering i haven't ever been in a "real" relationship -- but still.

of course, a part of me is insecure that i had no dating experience in high school. or even a talking stage. there was one boy who liked me for awhile, and i even said 'yes' when he asked me out, but i didn't actually like him and broke up with him hours later. it simply felt nice being wanted. i liked "the chase" -- always have. this is a pretty horrible thing to admit, but it's the truth, and i can admit it because it's my private blog.

for me, the thought of dating someone, at first, is very exciting. i would love to. i want to do fun things, i want someone to love me, i want to be someone's 'special someone' and vice versa. however, then i really start to think about it and a weird feeling forms in my stomach. i don't understand it. i can't even explain the feeling because there are no words i can use to describe it. the thought that anyone could ever see me in a romantic and sexual manner is sort of unbelievable and horrifying. that's why i never know when it's the right time to 'date someone.' how long should the talking stage be for? rushing into things would give me anxiety, but waiting it out and not communicating with them "what we are" would also give me anxiety. i'm confusing like that.

most of all, i don't think anyone could love me unconditionally. both due to not feeling attractive enough; but also due to being an awkward person who is embarrassed constantly (over little things... or nothing). even if someone were to be interested, they'd get bored. just like i do.

i guess, at the moment, i just want to feel wanted. i want people to be attracted to me, and i want to be able to tell. i want to be the type of girl that is always remembered -- an enigma. of course, impossible for someone like me, but i can't help but want it. ironically enough, i even had a guy say to me "in a movie, you'd probably be the main character's best friend, with a really deep backstory." that made me feel great about myself (sarcasm). while it wasn't that serious, it's still something that made me think: what can i do to be more interesting? more cool? more memorable? nothing, probably.

even if i were to find someone i liked who liked me, and got into a relationship, i feel like i'd never be able to TRULY be myself. the song 'trying 2 fool u' by remo drive sort of encapsulates these feelings:

i've been laying on the floor trying to keep cool i've been licking off the dust, trying to fool you i've always struck myself as someone who's uncomfortable [...] i've always struck myself as someone who's impossible waving at the sky i wanted to let go, i didn't want to say goodbye

although i know this probably isn't the meaning of the song, i feel like i'll always be 'fooling' someone, at least initially. i feel like, no matter how hard i try, nobody will see the real me. it scares me to be that vulnerable. i open up easily, but not about things that really scare me. so, by 'fooling' i mean not showing my true self, the parts of me that aren't the prettiest. it's hard to explain, but i'm not sure i will ever find someone who will be patient enough with me to get comfortable. i don't think i deserve anyone's patience because i don't feel pretty enough (to deserve it). it's incredibly difficult for me to explain, but since i don't consider myself pretty, i feel like i have to be perfect in all aspects. if i'm not pretty, there has to be another valid reason to date me. pretty girls can be weird/strange, clumsy, quiet. they can complain and express their wants. on the other hand, i can't. i can't complain because i'm only being dated because i'm a people-pleaser. once i am no longer that, there is no other reason to love me. i'm only being dated because i always have self-control, never express my feelings. once i do open up, cry, complain, get angry -- that's it. there is no other reason for someone to stay with me. and the list goes on. i know it sounds irrational and strange, but i'm trying to explain it in the best way i can. basically: since i'm not pretty, i cannot have any other faults.

i'm not going to be editing/re-reading this, so it may be written strangely, so let's hope i don't sound absolutely confusing.

anyway. those are pretty much my feelings on love and relationships. i want it, but i also don't. but, mostly, i do want it. it just seems impossible for me to obtain, especially in this day and age. whenever i see a cute couple, or hear about my friend's relationships, a part of me wonders: why can't that ever be me? why can't something special and exciting like that happen to me? when is it my turn to be happy?

insert never had no one ever by the smiths because i am corny like that.

(slight NSFW) my inexperience with dating, sex, etc, is also probably an extreme turn-off for most people. most people were in relationships in high school, early college, etc. now that i'm a junior in college, i feel so inexperienced and embarrassed. i'm the type of person that needs to be good at things immediately; and the fact that i probably won't be good at kissing, any form of sex, etc is quite honestly humiliating. but there's no way to practice. and so if i ever do potentially meet someone, and want to go to that level with them, i'll have to explain that i've never done this before. how disappointing for them. i like to please, and when i can't, i get awkward and nervous. but, of course, i can't imagine myself ever getting to that point anyway. the thought of any form of sex scares me. not in a normal way, but more-so in a 'i'm insecure about my body' sort of way. how could anyone be sexually attracted to me? what if they aren't turned on? what if they realize i'm not what they expected? so many 'what-if's' and no answers.

but anyway. changing the subject, the reason i wrote this entry was to describe a situation that occurred almost a week ago. a good one! which is probably surprising after all this pessimism about love. i kissed someone for the second time and it was the most magical kiss of experienced so far -- of course, i'm putting it dramatically, considering i've only been kissed by one other person.

i'm not going to retell the story in full detail, but i met up with someone for a date in a different country while on vacation -- a one time thing, obviously -- as a spontaneous, adventurous thing (trying to push myself!) and it went incredibly well. the type of thing i'll probably remember forever. not because i'm madly in love with this person or anything, but simply because of the experience overall.

it was a nice date for the most part. of course, because i'm me, there were some things that i felt insecure about, but overall it was great. there was a sort of freedom in realizing this was a one-time thing, and i could really do whatever i wanted and likely never see him again. obviously, i didn't do anything actually "crazy", but i did kiss him. and enjoyed it. it was fun! i was awkward, of course, and unsure. i kept stalling. but he was very understanding and patient, maybe he even found it cute. the most exciting part was that i liked it more than my first kiss (but anything could be better than that!) and he seemed to enjoy it too. like, actually. genuinely. don't ask how i know. it was such an exhilirating feeling. i'm wanted! i'm wanted! he likes me! he thinks i'm pretty! and he's CUTE? how could a cute guy ever want me...

it boosted my ego maybe just a bit. i can't help it. i know, i know, male-validation is a killer. i know there's something much deeper here than simply wanting him to want me, but for a second i just want to stop those thoughts and feel excited about it. considering my non-existent love life, this whole experience with him felt pretty movie-esque. while it may have been normal for anyone else, it was just so special for me. not just because of the kiss, but just being able to get comfortable with someone like that. while i was awkward initially (no surprise), i grew more comfortable and less embarrassed (remember- everything is embarrassing to me), and i think he liked that. maybe i'm looking through rose-colored glasses, and things were not actually this magical, but whatever. i am still so excited i had this experience. even if nothing came out of it, it made me feel confident for a second, and it was fun and exciting. despite not seeming like it, i always have wanted to simply have fun and be adventurous.

of course, knowing me, there was a bit of overthinking and anxiety after the fact. i might have ruined the moment a little bit when he said something that made me feel insecure, and i felt the need to tell him. basically, he said to me: "i didn't think we'd get this far." which made me feel sensitive -- i don't think i am the type of girl who would kiss or get handsy on the first date. but this was a 'first and last date' sort of deal. so of course i was going to kiss a cute guy i'd never see again. anyway, i told him this. it felt like he was insinuating i was being "easy" and i hated that feeling. while there is nothing wrong with that, it's still looked down upon by most people. and as a woman, i wouldn't want to be seen that way. fortunately, he was pretty understanding, explaining that he mostly had just said it because he was happy i'd gotten comfortable enough to do anything with him. and that if anyone was the 'easy' one, it was him. whether this was true or not, i took his word and things were fine after that. it's not a big deal, but just something i felt i needed to mention in this entry. i'm stupidly sensitive.

i don't know what he was expecting to get out of me, but it went no farther than kissing (of course). perhaps he wanted more than that, and had wanted that since the beginning, but i'm going to be oblivious to the fact. for once, i'm going to recognize that i actually don't know what he was thinking and never will... so why overthink it? it's not that easy, and even writing this i'm thinking more deeply about the things i did and said (and cringing), but i'm going to try not to.

overall, as i've said multiple times, i am very happy with myself for going through with this date. because it was fun. it made me feel confident, even if it was just for a moment. unfortunately for me, this only lasted for a bit, which was unsurprising. male-validation only lasts for so long when you're insecure. i was trying not to overthink things, but i couldn't help but think... "why would he like me?" and "i think he's out of my league." it didn't help that i saw some horrendous photos taken of me. the bliss i felt was over. it felt nice while it lasted, but those feelings of ugliness and being unwanted came back soon enough. was he pitying me? because why would someone like him kiss someone like me. he was far too attractive for me. and the insecure thoughts go on...

i can't help it.

while i'm feeling a bit better now, those thoughts will probably continue to linger as i start to think about dating. it's all i ever think about. having a face so unlovable. i wish i had a face that could be loved -- adored. found beautiful. but, until i believe it, i won't ever realize if someone actually does. which i suppose is some sort of progress -- admitting to myself that i am insecure, and that perhaps this is all in my head, that my ugliness is not as bad as i thought and the little things i notice about myself are not noticed by others. but, of course, as of now, i can't believe that fully.

and so, those are my feelings on love at the moment. of course, i could go more in-depth, but i think that's all i have for now. despite my insecurities and nervousness about dating, deep down i do want to love and to be loved. is it possible for someone like me, though?

i hope soon the day will come that someone will find me special, beautiful, lovable. i hope soon it'll my turn to "be happy." i hope soon i'll be in the type of relationship that, now, i am envious of. i hope, i hope. but will i make it happen? that's the only question. despite wishing it wasn't the case, i also have to put in effort.

ending this, i'll leave some songs that give me some hope for love, or at least i can relate to:

everybody wants to love you - japanese breakfast (everybody wants to love you) / everybody wants to love you hate yourself - tv girl you'd fall in love with anyone / i think you'd fall in love with anyone / who fell in love with you / and they frequently do lloyd, i'm ready to be heartbroken - camera obscura hey lloyd, i'm ready to be heartbroken / 'cause i can't see further than my own nose at this moment andromeda - weyes blood find a love that will make you / i dare you to try [...] i'm ready to try / treat me right / i'm still a good man's daughter i want you to love me - fiona apple i want somebody to want / and i want, what i want, and i want / you to love me spit on a stranger - pavement honey i'm a prize and you're a catch / and we're a perfect match cupid - alexandra savior filled in a hole in the road, we were speaking in code / stuck in fantasy mode [...] i forgot how i ought to feel / it's a whole lot to hold back, you know that cupid shoots to kill

[oh-hush-its-perfect]

Alex Fierro's Introduction Full Breakdown

Okokok so. This is going to go full English-professor mode, where I'm drawing conclusions that are gonna seem a little far-fetched. That's what's fun about media analysis! I can say something is a symbol, and even if I don't have enough faith in RR's competency to know if he meant for it to be a symbol, it's still true! That being said, a lot of these choices I'm sure are intentional, either at a literal or subliminal level. Page numbers are going to be used not to assert a kind of authority or whatever— this is a Tumblr post, not an essay— but to help readers find the pages I'm referencing in case they'd like to do some digging of their own. Also, this is going to be really long. Really sorry to anyone with ADHD; I might make an audiofile of this so you can get the information without having to read the whole thing. With all that, let's get into it!

To kick off, let's talk about Alex being in the form of a cheetah when she first meets Magnus. Of course, there's the obvious impact of him seeing her but only so breifly, as well as introducing the conflict between her and the rest of Hall 19. But that could have easily been accomplished by almost any animal. The choice of a cheetah being implicated implies two qualities of Alex that will be recurrent throughout the two books she's in: 1. She has a tendency to run away, as we'll later learn when she describes how she became homeless, and 2. To Magnus, she's elusive. She can't be caught or held down. The event that shows this so transparently is how Alex refuses to define their relationship at the end of the series, despite it clearly surpassing the normal bounds of friendship.

But the cheetah isn't the animal Alex is in the form of when Magnus first gets a good look at her; she's a weasel. Weasel's bring up all kinds of connotations: ferocity, slickness, a lack of charm. When we want to describe someone as an untrustworthy person, we call them a weasel. RR had Alex take this form to play up her comrades' feeling of distrust towards her. She could be a double-crosser. But paradoxically, the up-front and vicious mannerisms of a weasel also have a transperency. She does not try appealing to her Hallmate's sense of goodwill because she doesn't have anything to gain from it. So even though there is the implication that she might be an antagonist, there's also evidence from her actions and mannerisms that she isn't. The weasel's long and skinny frame also allow for a smooth transition into Alex's actual body, which is convenient.

As Alex transforms into her usual human form, Magnus describes her as "a regular human teen, long and lanky, with a swirl of dyed green hair, black at the roots, like a plug of weeds pulled out of a lawn" (pg. 50). That simile at the end is of particular interest. Let's compare it to another time Magnus describes Alex's hair, in Ship of the Dead: "Her hair had started to grow out, the black roots making her look even more imposing, like a lion with a healthy mane" (pg. 136). By contrasting these two different examples, we can see the development of Magnus and Alex's relationship. The first time he sees her, he thinks of her hair as something nasty— note the word choice "weeds." Later on, though, he becomes more affectionate towards her, more complentary. The immedient negative reaction is less his actual impression, though, and more the reaction he expected to have based on everyone else's reaction to Alex.

Her clothes are equally as interesting; as Magnus describes it, Alex wears "battered rose high-tops, skinny lime green corduroy pants, a pink-and-green argyle sweater-vest over a white tee, and another pink cashmere sweather wrapped around the waist like a kilt" (pg. 50). Aside from the obvious fact that this outfit is a) bizzare, b) fire, and c) Alex's signature colors, which add a layer of style to what can otherwise be a somewhat boring series fashion-wise (excuse me, Blitz), the outfit reveals a crucial facet of Alex's backstory in a kind of subtle way. These are expensive clothes, like the Stella McCartney dress in Alex's room. Note the mention of fabrics (corduroy, cashmere) and patterns (argyle). These indicate wealth and status. Even the high-tops; shoes like that don't come cheap. But I'd like to return to the very first word of the section: "battered." Alex's wardrobe show-cases a proximity to wealth, but also shows that that proximity has been strained and lengthened, maybe for an extended period of time. Alex dresses like a rich person, but she isn't one. Least, not anymore.

The last word of that outfit-introduction is also of interest: "kilt." At the current moment, Magnus thinks that Alex is male. No one has indicated otherwise to him. Everyone has been referring to Alex with he/him pronouns. Samirah called Alex her "brother" (pg. 29). His first thought in seeing what he at first perceives as a guy with a jacket wrapped around the waist is That looks like a kilt. This thought tells us about Magnus: despite being open and accepting, he still has some lingering notions of gender conformity from his years in wider American society.

Magnus also indicates that the outfit "reminded me of a jester's motley, or the coloration of a venomous animal warning the whole world" (pg. 50). This is rather self-explanatory, but it's still worth noting that Magnus sees the outfit as something bizzare, strange, and even perhaps comical. This places Alex at odds with the other people Magnus has met. It also reveals that Magnus has zero fashion sense. But we already knew that.

After finishing up staring at the ensemble, Magnus finally gets around to actually looking Alex in the face. First Magnus says that he "forgot how to breathe" (pg. 50), which, yeah, relatable. This is justifed by saying that Alex has the same face as Loki, but the very same sentence that asserts that that's the case also suggests an alternative reason: Alex has "the same unearthly beauty" as her father. Here we can see the beginnings of Magnus's attraction to Alex, though at this point, he still has a lot of internalized homophobia. Though there's certainly some truth in that Magnus was unnerved by Alex's resemblance to Loki, the idea that Magnus pointed out that Alex was pretty without elaborating on that thought until about a chapter later— after he was informed that Alex was presently a girl— can tell us a lot about how Magnus perceives sex and beauty.

Of course, Alex's eyes are given special attention. She has cool eyes; what can I say? But I'd like to focus in on how Magnus here depicts Alex's heterochromia as "completely unnerving" (pg. 50). Again, let's contrast this with how he describes them after getting to know Alex a little better in Ship of the Dead. In Chapter 3, Magnus describes "[Alex's] dark brown eye and his amber eye like mismatched moons cresting the horizon" (pg. 25). Once again, this shows the development of their relationship— but this time, it's in a much more personal way. Eyes are the windows to the soul; they are culturally important and biologically important in inter-personal connections. In you look into someone's eyes, you're giving them your full attention, and you're implying a kind of closeness. The way that Magnus describes Alex's eyes in the second passage is downright intimate. At this point, he is in love with Alex, and it is clear when contrasting the two descriptions.

As my last point, I'd like to discuss Alex's first words on page: "'Point that rifle somewhere else, or I will wrap it around your neck like a bow tie'" (pg. 51). First of all, Alex saying this with a "perfect white smile" (pg. 51) on his face implies that she is used to being threatened. She is not afraid of being shot; she counters the promise of an attack with a promise of her own. This pleads the question: why is Alex accustomed to violence? What events of her past or qualities of her life have brought her to this point? The threat itself reveals Alex's trauma from being genderfluid in a society with rigid gender norms, as well as her antagonistic relationship with her father. Magnus makes a comment that Alex "might actually know how to tie a bow tie, which was kind scary arcane knowledge" (pg. 51). Like Alex's wardrobe, the idea that she may have experience in high-class fashion also implies her former status as a rich kid.

I could go on. I could break apart Alex saying "'Pleased to meet you all, I guess'" (pg. 51). There is a wealth of information in this short page span that tells us things about Alex Fierro in the present moment, quietly demonstrates things about her past, and characterizes the narrator Magnus Chase. This passage is also effective in hindsight in marking the progress of Magnus and Alex's relationship.

But I'd like to take a step back and look at not the pieces, but the whole picture. Alex Fierro gets a full page of pure description— her outfit, her face— and about a chapter of introduction. This comes after several chapters of build-up. Alex Fierro is an important character you need to keep your eyes on. Alex Fierro is emotionally significant to the main character, Magnus Chase. Alex Fierro is one of the most developed and well-rounded characters that Rick Riordan has ever written— heck, she's one of the best characters in middle-grade books period. The extended emphasis on her and her alone tells us exactly what role she's going to play in this story: she's the star.

[apixrl]

DRIVER'S LICENSE.

katsuki bakugou x fem! reader

WARNING(S): angst. cheating. swearing because it's bakugou.

word count: 4.5k

song: drivers license // olivia rodrigo (i wonder why...)

note(s): so i captioned this *at the time of writing* 'hello and welcome to i've had the worst two weeks ever so i wrote a katsuki oneshot to cope' and it's probably one of my most personal pieces of writing tbh

"-come Tuesday and we'll potentially see an end to this heavy downpour of rain. Temperatures will be on the rise to around-"

The talk on the radio cut short at the jab of your finger, heaving a great sigh which faded into the muffled pitter-patter of rain from outside. The streets had been showered with heavy downpours for the last week or so, no sign of sun or a still and restful day. Notwithstanding the miserable outdoors, the windscreen wipers on your car never ceased in their duty to grant you a clear view of the road ahead. And whilst you were grateful for their devotion, it didn't feel clear in the slightest. In fact, the road had never felt so blurry.

Shivering against the cold night chill and tucking your knees cosily to your chest, you eyed the raindrops on the windows. They raced against one another before they dripped down to your car's body, their glossy presence obvious thanks to the many hues of street lamps that surrounded them. You could have watched them for hours, being honest. Something about the droplets of water battling it out quite enticing. Anything to take you away from the cruel reality you were living in.

Your heart ached and yearned. But to no avail, the one you ached and yearned for didn't love you back.

Not anymore, at least.

Just the mere thought provoked a pulsating pang to resonate throughout your entire body. A pang filled with grief and sadness. Anger and hurt. You missed his sun-kissed face on the sunny mornings. You missed his eyes and how they gazed at you from across the room. You missed the smiles and laughter he would only show for you and you alone. The sense of glee and euphoria that came with that honour. Yet all of it was gone and there was no way you could get it back.

The memories of what had been triggered more waterworks. Hot, salty tears dug at the corners of your eyes and trickled down your face. Your motionless car concealed your cries and sobs. Every thrash against the wheel as you questioned to nobody in particular what went wrong and why. How you didn't see the signs sooner. What you could have done better. When he stopped loving you. If he ever planned to stop loving you. Whether it would have hurt more if you found out sooner.

All these questions with nothing to answer them.

Katsuki Bakugou had always fascinated you. From the very moment you met. You accompanied your friend on a double date, and he was the guy who she matched for you. Whilst he originally acted as though a blind date was the last place he wanted to be, underneath the aggression you could tell there was something much more genuine and true.

And your assumptions were correct. Truth be told, Katsuki Bakugou was one of the most genuine and truest people you had met (at the time). Once it was just the two of you, he allowed his true colours to unveil. Through the smallest of kind gestures that still haunted your mind to this day. Then upon confrontation, as you bid each other goodbye at your back door, his denial resulted in a flirtatious contest which then proceeded to an intimate night that changed your life forever. From there your mind was set.

He was the one.

Emphasis on was.

So blinded with a fairy tale love you grew so accustomed to, you never saw it coming. Never in your two-year relationship - that had so much strength and commitment built on top of it, never did you think that Katsuki Bakugou would throw it all out of the window like it was nothing. Disregard your loyalty and adoration for a drunken one night stand that slowly became an occasional hookup. Which soon became a mandatory pastime once a fortnight. Then twice. Maybe more than that. You wouldn't put it past him with what you knew now.

He kept it from you for nearly six months. Six months. The only reason you discovered his lies and deception was because you were let off early one night from work. You worked a night shift, see. Your last job had fallen to shambles, and it was temporary whilst you searched for a new one. And whilst that did take a toll on your relationship with Katsuki Bakugou, mostly finding time for intimacy since his working hours were during the day, none of that gave him any right to go and do what he did.

That wasn't one of the only reasons, you knew that for sure. There were other motives for his lack of loyalty. But you were never told. After you froze at the sight of another woman under his hold and stormed straight back to your car to flee. After he chased you down the flights of stairs in nothing but baggy pants into the streets of a twilight Musutafu. After you screamed into the darkness and belted your fists against his chest. Fists that were driven with rage and hurt and every emotion that burned like the hottest of fires and froze like the coldest of ice. He never even told you. He never made an effort to address it. Nor had he attempted to call or even try to visit your Mom's house - where you stayed as you searched for a permanent place to live. Just because you retreated for your car and cried that it was over, he never tried. But that didn't mean you weren't allowed an explanation. An apology. Something to give you a form of closure and a reason to move on. But you never did.

That wasn't even what hurt the most, either.

As silly as it was, the thing that hurt you the most was the very car you sat in.

EIGHT MONTHS AGO . . .

The red glow of traffic lights hit Katsuki's vermilion irises as he stared dead ahead at the long line of vehicles, the ash-blond heaving a sigh into the air. His finger tapped impatiently against the steering wheel he gripped with one hand, the spare rested casually against your upper thigh affectionately.

"I can't believe we have to sit through this torture just to go to some damn party," Katsuki grumbled, taking a glance over at you. His brows furrowed when he met you peacefully slouched down, nose dug into your phone as you presumably played some sort of game to pass the time. Like you had no care in the world for your predicament.

"It's your best friend's birthday, love," You mused back, Katsuki surprised you even listened based on your focused expression directed towards your phone. "It's not like we can just miss it,"

"Yeah, but we could have missed all this pain by taking the train instead of driving across town during rush hour,"

"Trains are icky, the seats would have ruined your suit and my dress," You pointed out, looking at the blond over your screen, sending him a sweet smile. He cocked a brow, a smirk creeping its way onto his lips as a scoff of a laugh broke out between them.

"Right, and laying down like a sloth is gonna help keep your dress uncreased?" He returned, amused at your realisation. At his comment, you sat up faintly and pouted your lip.

"Driving means more time to play Gravity Pops, and so does traffic,"

"Seriously? That's the game you're playing? You're such a dumbass,"

"Yes! I'm in the top 11% globally! I need to get to number one!" Was your protest, your arms flailing ahead of you briefly for dramatic emphasis. Katsuki clicked his tongue and rolled his eyes, though the small smile plastered over his lips betrayed his initial reaction. Unable to deny your determination, he spoke with confidence and almost a sense of pride.

"Number one, hm? Clearly rubbing off on you aren't I?"

"In a way, yes,"

"That's my girl," Katsuki remarked, earning a giggle from you that was uplifting to hear. It was there your attention went back to your phone, but Katsuki wasn't done. "So, speaking of cars, Y/N," Hearing his chosen tone - which sounded suggestive, you eyed him closely. Hesitant to reply as you had a sense of what he planned to say.

"...Yes?"

"Have you thought any more about getting your driver's license yet?"

Called it.

"...No,"

"What?" Katsuki began, tilting his head. He was surprised that he felt surprised. You had said those words in regards to this topic countless times. Still, he persisted. "Is that a no meaning you haven't or no meaning that you don't want to?"

"Both?" You half-guessed, sheepishly grinning at the look you were sent. "Look, cars scare me okay? And so do roads. And people. My nerves wouldn't be able to handle it! I can barely communicate with people face to face, so me being on the road is a recipe for disaster!"

"I know but -," Katsuki exhaled sharply, understanding your reasoning. You had voiced these concerns when confiding to Katsuki about your fears of the road. Something built and corrupted from social media as well as phobias and fears in general, it was a battle you had yet to overcome. You wanted to drive but was terrified of messing up or causing chaos on the road. Potentially inflicting harm to someone and yourself. You still weren't sure what triggered it all, but over the years it had manifested into something quite irrational, to say the least. Katsuki had been supportive of it and whilst he truly would love to always act as your personal taxi - you couldn't hide from it forever. It wasn't his job to keep you in your comfort zone. That, and he couldn't always be there for you that way. What if he was miles away and you had somewhere urgent to go like the hospital? "It's not as scary as you think. I know it's hard to believe that but seriously. The freedom you get from driving is amazing,"

"I'll think about it a little longer, okay?" You said with hesitancy, looking at Katsuki for a sign of confirmation. He nodded in defeat, knowing you probably needed more time and felt put on the spot. So he averted his eyes back to the road to check if the traffic had moved at all. It had not.

"Okay," Katsuki said. "But I can't be your taxi service forever,"

"But I like you being my taxi service," You jokingly said, a little sadness in your tone. "Your road rage is funny and I like watching you get out of the car and walk to my door after pulling up in my driveway,"

"What do you mean?" Katsuki asked, catching the twitch of a smile on your face upon saying those words. It struck his interest in what you could mean.

"You know, like when you say you're coming to pick me up?" You explained. "You pull up at my driveway and I don't know... simple things like that just remind me of how much I love you. It's dumb really, but it's important to me,"

"Really?" Katsuki questioned in disbelief. How something so small and meaningless could mean so much was puzzling. He couldn't understand why it was so special to you. But that didn't invalidate it in any shape or form. So he pushed that aside, replacing his wonder with gratitude. He returned to your bashful and flustered features, feeling a smile grow on his face.

"Yeah," You said, shrugging to downplay your words. "I love you. Stuff like that means a lot to me,"

"I love you too, even though you're a dumbass," Katsuki said, humbled by what you had said. The two of you shared a gentle exchange, your hand grabbing hold of Katsuki's as you gave it a squeeze. He squeezed back, and silence ensued. Had he realised such a thing sooner, then Katsuki would have pulled up in your driveway much more than he had been doing. But at that a thought struck his mind, victoriously smirking as he had an idea on how to potentially sway your worries. Or begin swaying it. Something was better than nothing, after all. "But what if I wanted you to pull up in my driveway one day?" His words caused you to look over at him in curiosity, hearing the seriousness in the question. It caught you off guard momentarily, having to contemplate as you gradually concluded that he had a point.

"Well one day, maybe I will," You vaguely replied and sat up a little bit. The hand holding yours pulled back and lifted to land on your shoulder, gripping reassuringly tight.

"I hope you do, I'd like to get in on this driveway action," He joked and smirked, faith riddled in his expression. You giggled ever so slightly, tempted to lean forward and peck Katsuki on the lips in thanks, but never a thing was to happen as the alerting red light from outside switched to warm amber.

"Ah!" Katsuki yelled in triumph, his attention leaving you swiftly as he got back into the driver's seat. Giving you no opportunity to respond to him and overall ruining the moment. "Took fucking long enough!"

The light turned green, and he set the car in motion, leaving you with your thoughts and the words he had uttered that day as the traffic stood still.

All your efforts, all your time devoted to getting over your fear of driving and the road as a whole... all of it was pointless. You did it for him. You promised him you would overcome your fears and better yourself. He built that motivation up brick by brick until you could grab hold and seize control. He wasted all that time to get you to reach such a stepping stone only to abandon it once it was through.

Just so you could pull up in his driveway, just like he requested. And what did you get in return when you finally did? A stab in the back and the loss of your other half.

You wiped your eyes via the sleeve of your hoodie, dampening the cuffs. Sniffling and exhaling a shaky breath, your gaze landed on nothing in particular. Yet somewhere within your clouded mind, you found interest. As that was where your gaze remained for a certain amount of time. You weren't sure how long exactly. It could have felt like an hour and only been five minutes. Or it could have felt like five minutes and was actually an entire hour. Either way, the clock ticked on and didn't wait for you to stop.

It was a good thing you had pushed your fears down and rose above them. It just pained you that you didn't even do it for yourself. Without Katsuki Bakugou, you never had any intentions of doing so. As a matter of fact, you had set out to take the train or bus for the rest of your life. Hell, you were going to use a bike and scooter if you got desperate. Had he even acknowledged how much work you put in just to get where you were? Was all that effort part of the reason why he decided to cheat? There was absolutely no telling. Absolutely no telling at all.

You wondered what he was doing now. Was he laid in bed resting peacefully? Out with his friends for a boy's night only? Maybe cooking his favourite curry? Possibly on a late-night jog despite the harsh weather? It never stopped him other times.

Did he ever think about you? Regret what he did and the actions he took? Had he ever considered apologising? Would he ever apologise? What if he was celebrating the fact you were no longer in his life? Had there ever been any love there for you in the start? Did he ever actually want you to get your driver's license because he believed in you? Or was it so he could get rid of you with much more ease? Make his departure less severe and less selfish? A way to justify his choices because it's not like you were hopelessly left to suffer everyday life now that you had a means of transport. Was he really that cruel?

Your thoughts were interrupted by the sharp jingle of your phone, the device lighting up as it sat in the passenger seat to your left. It took two or three rings for you to glance over at it, E/C eyes sore and drained from crying out. You squinted them to read the caller, seeing the name 'Work' fade in and out on the brightly lit screen. For a second or two you argued back and forth on whether to even bother picking up. Something about reaching across for your phone requiring a magnitude of energy you no longer possessed. Having spent it all on your cries of agony and the deprivation of your old life as a whole.

However, you had ignored your work in the last couple of weeks too many times now. So many times that pulling the same stunt again would probably risk you losing your job. It's not like your work was interested in why you felt such overwhelming pain... all they cared about was you turning up to do what you were hired to.

So using a forceful hand, you leaned over to pick it up. You fumbled to grip your phone and accepted the call with a dainty tap of your thumb. Then you blinked away your tears and subtly sniffed, pressing your phone to your ear to address the caller.

"Hello?" You practically croaked, quick to clear your throat and push any signs of upset down. It was presumably dry from how much you'd cried in the last two hours.

"L/N! Hey! Glad you finally picked up!" Unlike the droll and unvarying tones of your boss, the person on the other end was much more lively and greeting. So much so you could only assume it was none other than your work colleague, Etsuko. Probably the only person you genuinely liked where you worked, and the only person who made the time pass by faster. "I was worried you were gonna leave me on answer phone again,"

"Hm, what? Oh right. Yeah. Sorry about that. Haven't been feeling too great," You lied, even though it wasn't a complete fib. You hadn't been feeling great at all. You had never felt so rock bottom. It all just originated from your mind over anything else. But when did work care about that?

"Sounds like it, I hope you've been okay!" Still cheery as ever, Etsuko followed up with a laugh to fill the silence you created by not saying anything. "Is everything well? It's nothing serious, is it?"

"No. It's not. Just some dumb cold I caught," You excused. "I'm better now, though," Slouching down in your seat, you decided to ask the question that had been roaming your mind the last minute or so. "So why are you calling?"

"Oh, right!" Etsuko said. "Mr Kobashigawa was just wondering when you planned on coming back - for schedule reasons and to get people to fill in for your shifts,"

"I er...," Not entirely sure how to answer, you stuttered as your words cowered away in your attempt to speak. "I don't -,"

"It's okay, he doesn't need an answer yet," Etsuko reassured. "Maybe in the next day or two, though? He wasn't really specific, being honest,"

You sighed at the guilt brewing in your stomach. You weren't even sick for crying out loud! Why were you lying just so you could wallow in your own sadness?! Like that was going to change anything! Sitting around and crying wasn't going to give you what you wanted. You weren't getting him back. Katsuki Bakugou wasn't yours anymore. He made that clear by cheating. By making minimal effort to give you an explanation. By causing you so much pain with little care or concern. Why couldn't you get it through your thick skull that your feelings didn't matter anymore?! That they were being wasted on a lost cause. A lost relationship!

"Well I mean -," You started, running a hand through your hair as you tread carefully on your words. "I could come in tonight? Has Mr Kobashigawa got someone to fill for me yet?"

"Um... no? I don't think so?" Etsuko answered, uncertainty in her voice. "Let me go check. Be right back!" And with that, the line fell dead. The call didn't end, just Etsuko placing the phone down to get an answer for you. Leaving you all by your lonesome once more.

Reflecting, you could see the logic in your thoughts. The best course of action would be to hold your head up high and live life the way it was before. When you were happy. Just... excluding the factors that actually made you happy. Which was him. Wouldn't that be healthier than crying all the time?

Yes, it would. But was it what you wanted? Not really.

"L/N!" The voice in your ear startled you to the point you nearly dropped your phone, panicking through a gasp as you fiddled to grab hold of it again.

"Wa-! Careful you nearly scared me half to death!"

"Oops, sorry!" Etsuko giggled softy, sounding as perky as ever. "I'm just excited to tell you that nobody's filling in your shift! You can still come in for ten-thirty!"

"I-I can?" You asked. After an upbeat 'yeah!' filtered through your ears, you considered your options. Remaining in the serene, quiet confines of your car with only the downfall of rain to accompany you sounded like utter bliss, given how you felt. But you felt an internal kick up the backside which told you - no... demanded you to just get over this moping attitude of yours and look on the bright side. To get over the lack of closure and simply... move on.

Yeah... if he found out you were an utter train wreck thanks to the damage he inflicted; Katsuki Bakugou would probably revel in it. He had a history of gaining pleasure from other's misfortunes... or it was rumoured he did (during his younger years, anyway). You had never wanted to believe it but you couldn't find a reason to refute it anymore. After all you had been through, it seemed to fit his character and personality more than ever. So with that fact apparent, you held a firm forefront and searched for a determined tone, and made your answer to your friend.

"You betcha I'm coming in! I'll see you in half an hour!"

Too enthusiastic? Probably. Still, it was better than acting pessimistic and hopeless. No matter, however, because that was exactly the attitude Etsuko had been hoping for.

"Alrighty!" She exclaimed, smile audible in her voice from the other end. "I can't wait to get our dynamic duo going again! I've missed you!"

"Yeah, me too, 'Suko," You hummed in agreement.

"Great! Catch ya later my partner in crime,"

"Heh. You too, dumbass," You found a reason to smile from her childish behaviour, though your choice of wording seemed to hit a nerve. It did more than that, it practically reverted all that confidence and progress you had made in the last ten minutes of being on the phone. All from one innocent word that escaped your lips.

Dumbass.

That's what he used to call you.

The phone call had ended without you even noticing, your phone still pressed to your ear as a small buzz sounded into it. You stared dead ahead, flashes of all the times he had said that word to you running through your memory. It was his form of a pet name. Some might see it as a little degrading on the surface, but you never minded. Once you learned the deeper meaning of the name, it became something equivalent to the likes of 'Sunshine' or 'Angel'. If anything, you ended up preferring it to those sorts of nicknames. Hence why Katsuki Bakugou had called you it on so many occasions.

No. Stop it. You can't let something like that bother you. Not after the efforts you just went to. Stop. Shaking yourself out of it, you returned to reality and permitted your phone to drop onto your lap. Your hand once holding it gripped onto your steering wheel, the other following shortly behind to do the same.

"I love you too, even if you're a dumbass,"

That rung in your head one final time, tormenting and mocking your present. The things you'd be willing to do to hear him say that to you one last time...

"No," You firmly shook your head, banging it lightly against the headrest to return yourself to reality. An attempt to knock those words to the back of your mind where you could lock them in a securely tight safe for the rest of eternity. "Just... just don't think about it. Easy. Just focus on what you're doing now," You reached for your keys which sat in the ignition, taking hold and turning them ever so slightly. Your car stirred to life, engine rumbling and the dials lighting up in a form of warm greeting. "You're going to work. No more feeling sorry for yourself,"

No more feeling sorry for yourself.

Your eyes set themselves on the road ahead. The vacant, dark and solitary road that didn't wait for you to make your decision. Life moved on after all, so if you were going to do anything - it was to catch up and take the winning lead.

So despite your circumstances; your inner desires and wishes and begs for what you wanted back but to no avail would ever get, you pulled out of your parking space (which had long exceeded the time limit, thankfully nobody was around to see) that drowned in pitiful rains of the night, and began to make your way down the street. In search of a place better than the one you were trapped in.

An endless road that wasn't all that clear, you were going to tackle it. Not for anyone else, unlike the last time you met difficulty and hardships. No, no, no. This time it was for your sake. All the mental energy to recover and become a better version of yourself, in the endgame it was all for you. You could push past all the deceit and lies you had been told and you could push past your normality which was him. Katsuki Bakugou. The man that hurt you as nobody had ever done before. You could create new normality without him.

A thought of forever he created and destroyed, resorted to driving alone past his street, never to be thought of again.

[prurientpuddlejumper]

Cozy Sweaters

Jackson Neill x Reader

Sequel to Cold Hands, requested by @detectivebarba​ & written for @storiesofsvu​’s Fall Bingo! 

Warnings: Angst. Angst. Angst. Fluff? 

Summary: Oh my god they were roommates.

3,350 words

September 8th

The living room of your apartment—what used to be your apartment—was abuzz with heated voices.

“We’re sorry, but you said you were moving out!”

“So you just gave away my room?! I’m allowed to change my mind!”

Your roommates glanced between each other, awkwardness thick in the air.

“Ed is moving here all the way from England on the promise that he would have a room. He already bought his plane ticket. We’d really be screwing him over.”

“But… where am I supposed to go?”

Jenny sighed and shook her head. “Listen, if this wasn’t so last-minute, I’d understand, but you were supposed to move in with your boyfriend next week. We already made plans to fill your spot…” She really was sorry, in other words, but you were stuck.

“Can’t you still move in with him?” Todd added, and Jenny shot daggers from her eyes.

“He cheated on me!”

“Yeah, but you said he didn’t want to break up, right? Just work things out.”

“I am not,” you hissed through gritted teeth, “ever taking him back after what he did.”

September 13th

Every one-bedroom apartment listing in the greater NYC area was out of your price range. You tapped your friend group, colleagues, and acquaintances for roommates and came back empty. You went on Craig’s List and met with a few strangers seeking roommates. The ones who weren’t terrifying never called you back.

Meanwhile, Jackson Neill had been blowing up your phone.

Well, not blowing up—the first night he got drunk and filled your inbox begging you to come back, sobbing and slurring into your voicemail, spamming indecipherable text messages. The next morning, a single text read: “I’m sorry. That was inappropriate, and it won’t happen again.”

And it didn’t.

But he sent another message a few days later telling you he’d found some more of your stuff, if you’d like it back. That you were always welcome to talk if you wanted to. He wanted to be there for you. You didn’t message him back.

September 14th

It was a cold, rainy day on campus, so you risked taking a shortcut to the dining hall. You turned the corner of an old brick building, and there he was, walking out of the Department of Religious Studies, jacket collar pulled up over his neck because the forgetful fool could never remember his umbrella.

He froze at the same time you did.

All you could hear was your pulse drumming inside your skull like rain. You knew you’d run into him eventually, but you hadn’t decided how to react, and your body wasn’t offering any suggestions.

He gave you a pitiful smile and lifted his hand. “Hi.”

“Hey.”

One leaden foot shuffled in front of the other, and you kept walking. He nodded with a wan smile and sad eyes and didn’t chase you.

The outdoor seating was closed because of the weather, so the dining hall was crowded and buzzing. You snatched a small two-seat table just as another student left, brushing a stale French fry off it onto the floor. Sinking down to enjoy your cheap sandwich, you glanced around the crowd.

A middle-aged man with a soggy jacket and salt-and-pepper hair, who had no right to be so breathtakingly handsome, was searching desperately for a seat while precariously balancing a tray of soup and coffee.

He felt your gaze on him, and you were fixed with a beam of frozen green eyes.

You waved him over.

“I wasn’t following you, I swear.”

“I don’t know, eating lunch? At lunchtime? That can’t be a coincidence.”

The corner of his lip wanted to smile, but he didn’t seem entirely sure you were joking.

“Just sit down and eat,” you sighed. “There’s nowhere else.”

He sat.

Silence crackled between you like the sky before a thunderstorm as you ate your lunches.

“So,” Jackson started cautiously, “how have you been?”

You gave a dry snort. “Oh, just fucking peachy. I’m going to be homeless in two days, thanks to you.”

“What?!”

Jackson listened with a deepening frown as you told him about your roommate plight. Then he offered you a room at his house.

“Go to hell. I’m not going to move in with you like nothing ever happened!”

“No, it wouldn’t be like that. I have a spare bedroom. It’s a big house, and I could use help with the bills. Please—it’s the least I can do. Just until you get back on your feet.”

September 17th

It wasn’t like you had much choice.

You moved into Jackson’s house as originally planned, albeit under different circumstances. Instead of sharing his bed, he cleared out the spare room he’d been using, in theory, as a “gym,” and in practice as a storage closet. There was plenty of space, and with how late he always worked at the university, you’d barely see him anyway.

This might just work out.

September 20th

This was never going to work.

Your heart broke all over again every morning you walked downstairs and saw Jackson in the kitchen making pancakes, because every time, you had to fight the urge to come up behind him and wrap your arms around his waist like you used to do.

God, you wanted him back. If only you could erase the image of him with her from your mind.

October 7th

Jackson begged you to take him back.

One thing after another had gone wrong after he publicly confronted the Meyerist Movement. The cult pressured the publisher to pull his book. The university put him on leave while they investigated his alleged relationship with a student. You wandered into the living room that night and found him curled up on the couch, and his resolve broke.

There were tears in his eyes as he tried to pull you into a hug, and when you jerked away, they cascaded down his cheeks. He kept saying he was sorry over and over.

“Please. I need you. Everything is falling apart—if I could at least have you to hold onto… just one thing that wasn’t broken. Please, just tell me how to make it up to you. Haven’t I done enough? If I could take it all back, I would. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me? Please let me hold you?”

This was hard for you, too. Part of you wanted to give in, tell him it was all OK, let him kiss you, and see him smile. The worst part of all of this was that you still loved him, but you could never trust him again. He put on such a sweet, innocent act—he was a wonderful boyfriend—but now you knew he was a manipulative liar.

You should never have moved in.

“There’s no undoing the past. We both need to move forward, not back. I’m going to start looking for other places to live.”

October 8th

Morning brought a more sober Jackson knocking at your door. Dark circles hung under his eyes, but he hadn’t been crying recently.

“Please don’t feel like you have to leave. I can get my shit together. I’m calling a therapist today.”

“That’s a good idea.”

“Yeah.” He stared at his feet, shifting on the hardwood floor.

“Jackson… I’ll only hurt you if I stay. This is too hard on you.” For us. “Besides, I can’t freeload here forever.”

“You do pay rent, you know.”

“I know, but—”

“I only have the kids every other weekend, and it’s a big house. It gets lonely. You’re doing me a favor being here.”

November 10th

In the last month, Jackson convinced you there was no hurry to move out.

He was a great roommate. He cooked, cleaned, respected your boundaries. He was a truly decent man, if an unfaithful lover, but since you were just friends now, it didn’t matter who he fucked. The biggest concern was that he wanted you back, and living together was a constant source of emotional pain. But on that front, he finally seemed to be moving on.

Whenever the topic came up, he assured you that you were welcome to stay as long as you wanted.

“It’s just so hard to find a decent place in my price range.”

“I mean it,” Jackson reiterated, adding emphasis. “If you want to stay, I enjoy having a roommate.”

You searched for hidden motives in his voice, his expression. Was this part of a long game to get you back? But his tone was friendly and open. Knowing how quickly he jumped from his ex-wife to you to Sarah, there was no way he didn’t already have his eye on someone new. At this point, you were just roommates.

“You mean permanently? Isn’t living with an ex a recipe for disaster?”

He chuckled. “The last few years with my wife were much worse than this, trust me. We were trying to stay together until the kids went to college, but emotionally, we were already divorced. It was awful… sharing a room. Constant fighting.” His eyes took a dull, faraway look as he remembered.

Worry lines creased your brow. “Are you sure you want to put yourself through that again?”

He grinned, snapping out of it, and patted you on the head like you were one of his kids. “You are nothing like her. We’re friends.”

You liked the sound of that. Friends.

November 14th

The sound of screams greeted you as you opened the front door and hung your keys on their hook next to your jacket. Jackson was watching a scary movie marathon in the living room, apropos of the foggy autumn weather.

“Candyman. Care to join?” He patted the cushion beside him.

You stayed up past midnight in your pajamas, sharing popcorn, laughing, and hiding your eyes from the gory parts. Jackson remained on the opposite side of the couch, careful not to touch you.

November 19th

You caught Jackson having lunch with an attractive student. It made your blood freeze, then boil when he walked with her back to his office.

Alone.

Fists clenched, you pressed your ear to the closed door, and heard… an essay on the role of religion in perpetuating homophobia. He was helping her edit a paper. Like professors do.

You followed them all the way from the dining hall just for talking.

When did you become a crazy ex? Why would you care if he was schtupping a hot student? You wanted him to move on—you were glad he didn’t tear up every time you walked into the kitchen anymore. But you knew then that you weren’t over him yet.

If you saw him out with someone new, it would sting like he was betraying you all over again. So you tried hard to be the one to move on first.

November 30th

A car honked outside.

“Oh, that’s my date,” you apologized to Jackson. “Gotta go.”

You got a little rush of schadenfreude from the kicked-puppy look that flashed across his face as you left him mid-conversation, sitting at the kitchen table across from your abandoned teacup. It felt like a big fuck-you, letting him know you’d be fucking someone else. A dare: let’s see if you really meant it when you said we could be friends.

But the look had barely contorted his features when he swallowed it down and smiled, “Be safe.”

He was probably going on plenty of dates himself and just didn’t tell you out of consideration for your feelings. He didn’t want you to feel used, betrayed, and immediately replaced. You were both moving on.

After a string of Tinder hookups, you felt like Jackson was out of your system, romantically speaking.

December 17th

A light dusting of snow floated down through the pale morning air. Jackson woke up on the left side of the bed, as he did every morning, and as he did every morning, turned to his right hoping to find you there. The blankets were cold.

He shivered.

You had a date last night and didn’t come home. He waited up, but never heard your car in the driveway, your keys in the door. Since you weren’t there to see his red eyes, he allowed himself to cry.

February 14th

A dull, rhythmic thumping carried through the walls. The creaking of a mattress. You cried out a name, voice cracking as you came for the second time.

It was the same guy again.

Casual hookups he could handle, but it had been the same guy for weeks now. Jackson told himself he deserved this. This was what he did to you, only while you were together. When you trusted him not to. He deserved to hear the one he loved being taken by another man.

As much as he wanted you to be his, you weren’t. He had no right to feel burning bile rising in his stomach at each of your moans and gasps. You were doing nothing wrong.

“You live here. Of course you can have dates over. No, it’s not awkward. We’re friends.”

A hot tear slid from his eye as he buried his head in a pillow.

This guy better take care of you.

May 1st

He didn’t have a roommate anymore. Not really. You spent all your time at Rodney’s apartment.

Soon you would move out, and he’ll have lost you forever.

He wanted to warn you not to move so fast, but what right did he have to judge? He let you move at the same pace with him. Let you trust him, fall in love with him, have a spare toothbrush on his sink within a few months. All the while, he figured a little action on the side wouldn’t hurt. Did he think he could chase two of you at once and get to keep the winner?

Idiot.

Sinner. That’s what his mami would say.

The few times you were home, he didn’t express his concerns about your boyfriend. He would only sound jealous, and it would push you away. If he wanted to be someone you would still answer the phone for when you moved out, he had to be a good friend, not a jealous ex.

Fuck. He hoped it worked out between you and Rodney. He really did. He hoped you were happy.

October 2nd

You came home for the first time in weeks crying. Heavy tears rolled down your face, legs shaking as you crawled up the stairs to your bedroom. Jackson was off the couch in an instant, spring up to follow you.

“Hey… Hey, what’s wrong?” He gingerly touched your shoulder, palm spreading out to make comforting circles when you didn’t shake him off. “Did something happen? Do you want to talk about it?”

You shook your head, sniffing as you slumped down onto your bed. Jackson sat beside you, worry etched into his features. He was so cute. After all this time, he still cared about you. You thought about all the times he’d begged for you back, in the beginning, desperate to hold you again. Fuck, you just wanted to feel that wanted again.

“Rodney and I broke up,” you mumbled.

“Oh. I’m sorry to hear th—”

You gripped the hair at the back of his head and tugged him roughly into a kiss. Every muscle in his neck and shoulders tensed. A surprised noise was muted between your crushing lips. You could have sworn, for a moment, he started kissing you back, but then his big hands clamped like two vices on your shoulders, and he pushed you away.

“What are you doing?” His eyes were wide.

“What does it look like?” you purred, fingers clawing at the buttons of his cardigan. “I want you to take me, Jackson.”

His hands stopped you from leaning close again. “No. Stop it.”

“Come on, this is what you wanted, isn’t it?”

“We can’t… I won’t take advantage of you like that. You’re just upset, and—”

“Fuck you! So you’ll fuck anyone and not give a shit—you’ll fuck around on me and break my heart, but you won’t fuck me when I’m asking you to?! The one time I just need you to be there, and now you’re on your high fucking horse, pretending to be a good guy?! I bet you’d screw Sarah! Fuck you. Fuck you!”

Your shoulders shook as your tirade broke down more and more into sobs. Deep down, you knew he was right. You’d regret it in the morning. But you couldn’t he just… want you?

“Why? Why not? Am I that… am I that unlovable?”

“Because you crying.” Tears were shimmering in his eyes as he said it, softly wiping a tear from your cheek. “You’re crying.”

With a gasp, you threw yourself down on the bed and buried your face in a pillow. You screamed into it, your own breath hot and wet against your face. Jackson’s weight shifted the mattress beside you, and your hand shot out in panic, blindly groping toward the movement. You felt pathetic. Needy. But you didn’t want to be alone.

“Don’t go.”

The mattress sank back down under him. “I’m not going anywhere. I won’t take advantage of you, but if you want me to stay, I’ll stay. As long as you want.”

That was all you wanted to hear in that moment, to know someone wouldn’t abandon you. His warm hand rubbed your back in slow circles as you wept, patiently listening as you told him everything in disjointed, broken pieces. How you were just being paranoid—invading Rodney’s privacy when he left his phone unlocked. You were paranoid because your last boyfriend cheated. Then you found the lewd messages, and it didn’t seem real. Plans to meet at a bar downtown. You didn’t believe it until he was toweling off, telling you something came up with his mom, and he’d be out for a while. And you followed him down to the bar and saw them together.

“He was an asshole,” Jackson said.

“Am I doomed? Cursed? Why does everyone cheat on me? Is it my fault?”

“No. Of course not.”

“Shut up! You did it, too,” you snapped. “I’m just not special enough to hold anyone’s attention. I’ll never be enough.”

“No,” he growled with a ferocity that startled you, “You’re wonderful, and anyone would be lucky to have you. That guy was an asshole, and so was I for taking you for granted. You did nothing to deserve this. One day you’ll find someone who appreciates you… who learns to treat you the way you deserve to be treated before they lose the best thing to ever happen to them.”

You shifted to press yourself closer to him. The tears didn’t stop, but a warmth spread through your chest. Jackson felt like a cozy sweater—warm and familiar. Easy to cry into. His arms were surprisingly solid and thick, but gentle when they closed around you.

He was a comfortable old sweater you could slip back on after leaving it in the closet for a year.

***

Hours passed by, and you had no more tears left. No energy left to move. Jackson was still beside you, keeping watch, as promised. You were curled up with your head in his lap, his fingers in your hair.

When he was sure you were asleep, he carefully extracted himself from under you, gradually shifting your head onto the pillow so you wouldn’t wake up. He breathed, heart aching as he looked down at your sleeping form. You deserved better than tear-stained cheeks. He knew he had no right to be so angry, but he couldn’t stand seeing you hurt again.

You wouldn’t have been if he had just…

He let his tears fall silently. This was about you, and he didn’t want to make you console him, but you were asleep now. He could let go.

He ran his fingers through your hair one last time. Then, with a furtive glance, he bent and pressed a tender kiss to your forehead.

“I love you,” he whispered. “I never stopped.”

• ● • ━━━━━─ ••●•• ─━━━━━ • ● •

Tags: @beccabarba​ / @itsjustmyfantasyroom​ / @thatesqcrush​ / @dianilaws​ / @permanentlydizzy​ / @mrsrafaelbarba​ / @madamsnape921​ / @astrangegirlsmind​ / @neely1177​ / @onerestein​ / @dreamlover31​ / @isvvc-pvscvl​​  / @shroomiehomie / @storiesofsvu​ / @welcometothemxdhouse​​ / @feedthemadness-sweetie​ / @law-nerd105​ / @amelia-song-pond​ / @michael-rooker​ / @xecq / @madpanda75​ / @alwaysachorusgirl​ / @bananas-pajamas​ / @leanor-min​ / @mad-girl-without-a-box​ / @katierpblogg​ / @worldofvixen​ / @sassyada​ / @detectivebarba​

[possiamo-andare]

Just You (1)

JJ x Reader x Rafe (love triangle)

MASTERLIST

word count: 3.1k

summary: A new girl moves to OBX and a love triangle ensues. Your usual yearning, fluff writing :)

a/n: gosh, it has been too long. university has me swamped but since it’s the holiday break, i will try and update as much as i can. as of rn my other fic, sweeter, is on hold, while i try to write more and get back into the groove of things :) love y’all <3 

~

Many people do not care to know the difference between new and old money. To the working class, new and old money were relatively the same. To some extent, that was true. People that had either new or old money were rich nonetheless but when you grew up rich like Rafe Cameron did, the difference was all that mattered.

The main difference was how the money was procured. Old money was passed down. No one from old money had to work since they were born rich. Their manners were taught at a young age. New money meant that they had worked for what they had. At some point, they were not rich and now they were. They were not as defined and they had to be taught, at an older age, how to act. Rafe’s mother used to say you could see who was from old and new money from their ties. If it was a man, their ties would be neutral colours, nothing flashy. People from new money usually had something to prove and so they would buy extravagant things. For women, it was their heels. Women from old money had small heels that were polished as well. Women from new money had tall heels and they had never learned that they should polish the heel along with the shoe.

Growing up as someone from old money, Rafe had normalized that there was a divide between the rich people in Figure 8. Of course, there was a divide between the Pogues and the Kooks but that divide was course and palpable. This divide was subdued and rarely ever spoken about. Kooks that came from old money lived on the west side of Figure 8 while the Kooks from new money resided on the east. This unspoken rule proved to be useful since the two groups of rich snobs never liked to speak to each other anyways. This rule had been in place years before Rafe was even born and he had thought it would still be there even after he died. That is, until Y/N moved in down the street.

It was at the beginning of June when she moved in. The first sign that things would end terribly was when her family pulled into the parking lot. Her mother drove a beat up blue Camaro while her father trailed behind in a black motorcycle. Most people that lived on the west side of the island didn’t have flashy cars but they were well maintained and not so loud. Everyone knew they were from new money before they even exited their cars. And when they did, it was confirmed these people had just become wealthy.

Rafe’s family, like most on the street, watched from their windows as a tall, burly man with a long black beard and sunglasses opened the truck of his wife’s car and carried two large bags in the door. His two sons, both similar in size and features, followed after him. They carried two pink suitcases inside as the man’s daughter and wife stayed outside to open their garage.

Rafe’s eyes glanced over their house. It was one of the bigger houses on the block but it looked more like a huge cottage than anything else. His mind went to the thought of hippies invading their neighbourhood. He gulped. If they were some type of laid back, motorcycling hippies, he’d go crazy for sure. He knew Sarah would love them though; she always complained about how boring their neighbourhood was. But boring meant normal and that’s what Rafe wanted.

As his mother gossiped on the phone, Rafe watched the mother and the daughter laugh together. The mother looked like a hippie. Her hair was tied up on the top of her head and it had clearly not been brushed. She wore a light green skirt that reached to her ankles which then led to the flip flops that she wore. A white t-shirt was tucked into her skirt and she had big bracelets of all different colours dangling off her wrists. The daughter’s style was similar to her mother’s. She wore pink bootcut jeans and a white crop top, black chunky platform boots pulling the look together. Her hair was different from her mothers and was let down to blow in the breeze. They all looked like polar opposites from everyone else living in Figure 8.

At first, Rafe could care less about the girl or her family across the street. Granted, he would religiously watch through the window for when she would come outside to ride her bike around the neighbourhood with her brothers, and yes, he would sometimes wait until she was outside for him to take out the trash but he didn’t like her. If anything, it was the opposite. Rafe was too good for her. At least, that’s what he led himself to believe.

The first time he spoke to her was two weeks after she moved in. His mother had told him to stay away from Y/N’s family and Rafe had done an amazing job at doing so. Unfortunately, that all stopped when he had to pick Sarah up from school. She had thrown up in the middle of one of her classes and since both his mother and father were at work, the responsibility was on Rafe to pick Sarah up and make sure she was okay. Although reluctant to go back to his old highschool, Rafe knew he’d be in trouble if he was late in picking up his sister. When he entered the school's administration office, he finally came face to face with the girl he had been watching for two weeks now. Except, her back was turned to him as she argued with the secretary.

“That’s what you call a vegetarian dish?” Y/N raised her voice, not particularly enjoying being ignored by the school administration. When she first had come to this school, she had checked off on her form that she needed vegetarian dishes for lunch. Now, everyday since she had come, they had served her horribly chopped up lettuce with vinegar.

“Miss -” Ms. Buzden said, placing her phone on hold. It was the student’s lunch break so she usually called her sister during this time but Y/N was keeping her from doing so.

“Y/N.” Y/N smiled, finally happy she had caught the woman’s attention.

Ms. Buzden rolled her eyes, sighing deeply. “Y/N, dear, if you have a problem with lunch, please take it up with the lunch ladies.”

Y/N sighed, leaning against the secretary’s desk. “I tried to, Beth, but she told me to come here. I will not be ignored.”

Rafe was almost as surprised as Ms. Buzden was when Y/N used her first name. As he stood behind Y/N, waiting for his turn to ask where Sarah was so he could sign her out, he watched in slight amusement at the fact she was nonchalantly complaining to the secretary.

“Well, I don’t know what to tell you dear.” Ms. Buzden forced a smile, finally looking over Y/N’s shoulder to Rafe. “Rafe, sweetie, you’re here to sign out Sarah?”

Rafe hesitated for a moment, knowing Y/N’s eyes were on his. He felt as if an imaginary spotlight had shown on him for a solo and he had forgotten the words. His eyes glanced toward Y/N for a moment but it did not help his stage fright. Her beautiful eyes were squinting in his direction and for a moment he thought he would faint underneath her stare. His eyes quickly returned to the secretary’s and nodded quickly. In an embarrassing turn of events, Y/N spoke before Rafe did.

“Hey, I know you.” Y/N’s bracelets clang together as she lifts her hand up and points at Rafe. “You’re my neighbour. You’re always watching me through your window.”

As the secretary busies herself with printing the paperwork, Rafe busies himself by stuttering and gasping for breath at the accusation she had just posed. In an attempt to save himself from anymore embarrassment, Rafe tries and fails at coming up with a good excuse. Instead, he denies the accusation entirely.

“I do not watch you.” Rafe stubbornly blubbers out. He’s trying not to seem so embarrassed but she’s caught him so off guard that there’s nothing else he can do.

Y/N snickers, watching the poor boy stumble on every word. For someone older than her, he was not very mature. “No, you’re right. Watching would imply a causal aspect to the activity. More like you stalk me.”

This time, Rafe boiled over with anger. How dare this girl accuse him of stalking her? Rafe did not chase after any girl, no matter how attractive she was. “That’s a bit arrogant, isn’t it? To think everyone’s eyes are on you?”

Y/N continued to smile, unbothered by Rafe’s obvious rudeness. She shrugs, looking back to the secretary for a moment and grabbing her terrible vegetarian lunch before looking back to Rafe. “Not everyone’s. Just yours.”

And with that, she leaves the office. And Rafe knows he is screwed, because he just met the love of his life.

~

JJ Maybank shared almost everything with his friends. Emphasis on almost. They had always relied on him to be the funny one. To always goof around and take nothing seriously. So, when his dad first started beating after his mother left, he said nothing. He felt it was an unnecessary burden to put on the people that truly loved him. Eventually, the bruises and scars were too overwhelming to keep a secret anymore and he began to confess all his issues to his friends. But even then, as JJ tried to open up to the people he cared the most about, there was one thing he could never share.

He was scared of love.

Not just any love, but specifically romantic love. Every time he felt himself begin to develop deep feelings for anyone, he soon backpedaled and left them hanging. It was too scary to give himself to anyone. It would be a lie if he said it had nothing to do with his mother leaving. He had always believed that there was no love greater than his parents when he was growing up and when his mother left, it shattered him. Of course, he never blamed her for leaving considering how abusive his dad was but it killed JJ to know she did not want him to come with her. He had begun to believe that she didn’t think he was important to bring along. He believed that if she truly loved him, she wouldn’t leave without him. That’s what scared him the most; the fact that someone can change their mind about love so quickly.

So, JJ ran at the first sign of love. And he never shared this with anyone. Until that day.

In early June, when Y/N had first moved to OBX, there was a Start of Summer Fair. Right after classes ended on the last day of school, people in the community organized a fair for everyone who was excited for the summer to start. It was exactly two weeks after Y/N had moved in. Exactly two hours after she spoke to Rafe. Funny how the world works.

Behind the fair, there was a small lake where rarely anyone ventured. It was usually muddy and no one in their right mind would go swimming there. With that being said, JJ wanted to go swimming there. He had spent a solid hour with his friends at the fair before becoming exhausted. It wasn’t so much that his friends were exhausting him but a girl named Anna was. He had gone out with her once and had never called her back (as per usual) but she had not picked up on the hidden messages JJ had given her. Instead, she followed him around during his entire time at the fair like a little lost puppy dog. Just as she announced she was going to the bathroom, JJ had almost died from boredom. Thankfully, her going to the bathroom let JJ slip away from his friends and sneak away from Anna.

“What do you want us to tell her?” Kie asked, watching as her best friend was breaking off from the group.

JJ shrugged, not possibly being able to care less. “I don’t care. For all I care, tell her I died.” A bit harsh, yes, but that’s how JJ operated. Abandon them before they abandon you.

The idea to hide near the lake hit him as soon as he left his friends. No one went back there, not if they wanted an infection. Although slightly disgusting, if that was what he had to do to get away and have a moment of peace, he would make that sacrifice. Unfortunately, he found no peace because the second the lake came into view between two thick trees, JJ saw a girl in the water. At first, he was going to leave, maybe even shout a quick joke her way for getting in the dirty water. But when he saw what she was doing, he became curious and couldn’t help but venture forward and investigate.

Y/N, too invested in what she was currently doing, did not see JJ approaching at first. Daisies had begun to grow around the lake, which was already odd on it’s own, but some of them floated on the surface level of the lake. Y/N thought a bunch of Daisies would be a good surprise for her mother so, in an effort to be thoughtful, she emerged herself, from the waist down, into the water. She was not afraid of the muddy water staining her white dress (she had worse stains on her clothes), even excited to show her mother the lengths she went to to get the Daisies. So, with one hand, she held onto a wicker basket full of Daisies and with the other hand, she grabbed a hold of the daisies in the water.

JJ watched in complete and utter fascination as this girl who he did not recognize, fearlessly went into the lake and plucked some Daisies to put in her basket. She almost didn’t even look real. He blinked quickly to make sure she was even actually there. When he opened his eyes and she was still there, he was glad he hadn’t imagined her.

Finally, Y/N sensed a presence that was not her own. Quickly turning to her right, she made eye contact with JJ and her face softened. He was the least threatening person she’d ever seen and something about him made her heartbeat pick up.

She brushed this feeling off and instead, with a small smile on her lips, spoke confidently. “Hello stalker.”

JJ blushed, shoving his hands into his pockets and taking a few steps closer to the lake. “I’m sorry. Was just wondering what you’re doing here. No one comes here.”

“You’re here, aren’t you?” Y/N quips backs, a playfulness in her voice.

JJ thinks he might faint. “Um, well, I’m hiding.”

Y/N giggled. “Me too actually.” She grabs more daisies and puts them in her basket. She looks back up at JJ and speaks to him again. “Who are you hiding from?”

JJ gulps. He doesn’t want to scare away this girl by telling her why he’s come back here. He knows anyone else would judge him but, as he looks at her, he can see she would never judge him. “I’m hiding from a girl.”

Y/N nods, not expressing any disgust and JJ’s heart jumps for joy. “I see. Ex-lover, I presume?”

JJ shrugs. “We only went on one date.”

“Must’ve been a terrible date.” She jokes, and JJ realizes that she’s completely stopped what she’s been doing to listen to him.

JJ shakes his head, focused on her cute round cheeks. “Not really. She was nice.”

Y/N pouts. “Then why are you hiding from her?”

JJ feels as though it is too complicated to explain. And besides, how would he start? He’s never told anyone why he truly has never had a girlfriend. But something about this girl makes him trust her completely. He knows it’s the arrogance in her eyes. “I’m scared.”

Y/N nods, as if she understands him completely and he feels as though she does. “I see. You know, when I get irrationally anxious over something like this, I play the What If game.”

JJ’s brows pull together in confusion. “What?”

Y/N moves through the water and closer to the edge where JJ stands. When she arrives at the water’s edge, she reaches her hand out for JJ to grasp. He hesitates first and knows it’s because he likes her so much already and this will be the first time they will touch. The first time he’ll feel her skin against his is beside this muddy lake. Eventually, he grabs her hand and helps her out of the water and he knows, the second his hand touches hers, she’s his dream girl. His hands are on fire and he feels a pit in his stomach grow as her hand grips tighter onto him. There’s a spark and he’s sure there has never been anyone else that made him feel this way.

“The What If game,” Y/N starts, placing her basket on the ground. She starts to ring out the water from her dress but continues to keep eye contact with JJ. “is really easy. Here; tell me a fear you have about falling in love but make sure it starts with ‘what if.’”

JJ thinks for a moment. There are so many and he doesn’t know where to start. Finally, he chooses his biggest fear. “What if she leaves?”

Y/N smiles. “What if she doesn’t though? But, what if she does and then you find who you’re actually supposed to be with? The game is to just rationalize every irrational fear.”

JJ nods, a small smirk growing at the corner of his lips. “You’re not one of those girls who believes every breakup brings you closer to your soulmate?”

Y/N laughs. “Yeah, I wish. I’m not your manic pixie dream girl - wait, what's your name?”

JJ extends his hand, ready to feel her skin again. “JJ Maybank. Yours?”

Y/N smiles and shakes JJ’s hand. This should be interesting, she thinks. “It’s Y/N.”

“So, Y/N,” JJ starts, her name feeling good coming from his mouth. “If you’re not my manic pixie dream girl, then what are you?”

Y/N smiles. She was right. This is definitely going to be interesting. “I’m just yours.”

~

tagging; @tovvaa​

[trainingdummyrabbit]

oh! what about zora for the ask game?

ok i totally fell asleep before finishing all of this but [cracks knuckles] OKAY SO

> First impression gay

> Impression now oh my god. she is so cool and so interesting and so dumb and such a fucking Weirdo. shes such a fascinating character and i cannot wait to learn more about her. i fucking Love it when superpowerful characters are genuinely given trouble by complete normies, Just because they Happen to be flailing around in the exact way that they cant deal with them. zora is just... a smug hypocrite that happens to be able to back up most of what shes saying. its very interesting. another to study under a microscope. also that character design??? LITERALLY peak. i will never be over how cool she looks. also her voice actor did such a FANTASTIC performance with her. absolutely superb.

> Favorite moment oh MAN that ones so hard. she has so many standout moments throughout her entire appearance! though i really have to hand it to the forest chase scene in specific for just. the sheer silly antics. it was just fun all the way through! zoras the type of character where it Is very fun watching her in her element... but also i wanna see her genuinely be caught off guard by something completely dumb. and that scene is exactly that! also special shoutout to “cowboy :)” “You Got It Buddy!” and the entirety of great at cowboy. hearing that for th first time was So hype.

> Idea for a story hmmm... honestly, i cant really think of anything terribly creative! i would Love to see just... more of her being petty and silly though. love that part about her so much. maybe some shenanigans between th blisstrio being dorks together.

> Unpopular opinion so like... i really dont like any redwood shipping, like ultimately no hate towards people who Do like th ships, its just like... listen. i totally understand that there are Not a lot of characters you Can ship, and a Lot of people heavy focus shipping in fandom, its just. <:/ it just doesnt feel Right to her character to me. any of theirs. 

> Favorite relationship honestly, the dynamic between the redwood trio was IMMENSELY fun to watch, again, its the “wildly outmatched characters hold their own against overpowered adversary through sharp wit and dumb luck alone.” also zora being genuinely caught off guard by percy’s... percyisms... its Very fun to watch-- especially when she goes along with it. zora is one of the most fun characters to watch go along with the genre, despite her Scary Bounty Hunter thing.

> Favorite headcanon its not my headcanon, but i absolutely Adore the headcanon that zora plays around with her guns as a stim. like.. spinning and tossing em, clicking the mechanics... shes so skilled and comfortable with em that she just. swings em around for emphasis. and for funsies. genuinely cannot think of her any other way.

[Ask Game]

[whump-town]

A Cumbersome and Heavy Body

Chapter Five: They Told Me That The End Is Near

Summary: Stubborn until the very end, Aaron Hotchner isn’t going to go down without a fight. It’s just getting hard to tell the difference between fighting them and fighting the cancer.

Word count:  3195

Author’s Note: I’m about to fuck yall all kinda of ways-- buckle in babies cause shit is GETTING FUCKED

Warning: the subject of this fic is cancer and it’s treatment, cursing, maybe out of character (idk, man. hotch is weird)

Welcome to the final show Hope you're wearing your best clothes You can't bribe the door on your way to the sky You look pretty good down here But you ain't really good

She hates everything about labeling his days as “good” or “bad”-- this stupid emphasis on each thing that he does and how well he can perform it. The doctors will ask how he is, nearly expecting to be told something other than like he’s dying, and that always frustrates her beyond words. She can feel Hotch tense each time, looking to her in his desperate attempt to conjure a lie they will believe. “Good” or “bad” and he wants to say “okay” so that they don’t poke him more. So they don’t stand him up in the room and run their hands down his sides feeling for more swollen nodes and inclinations to infections or whatever other bad nonsense will rear its ugly head.

Mostly, she hates how there are “bad” days and there are days that aren’t gut-wrenchingly horrible but they aren’t “good” either.

Tuesday he’d smiled and sat for three hours with Reid. The genius turned on the sofa to face Hotch in the recliner, rocking himself gently as he spoke about anything and everything on his mind. Emily had watched them for a moment from the kitchen, shocked at the painless ease Hotch was sitting with. Enjoying something close to normalcy as Reid doesn’t look at Hotch and see the sickness overcoming his pale skin. Doesn’t see how tired he is or how weak. He’s just Hotch and they’re sitting in the living room talking about quantum mechanics and then attachment theory and diagnosing schizophrenia.

For three hours there is so much normalcy to their chaotic lives. For three hours there is “good” and for the remaining hours after Reid leaves there is something close to right in the middle. It’s fighting tooth and nail over some supplements he’s supposed to have in this meal replacement that tastes like chalk. She chases the fight with vodka and he locks himself in his office to drink the meal replacement in the sort of isolation that affords him endless frustration with no outward consequence. He ends up sitting in there and hoping she forgives him for being such a pain in the ass. He knows she probably will.

Then he does something stupid, something entirely brought on by impulse.

“You’re a fucking asshole.”

He can’t finish the job on his own, the clippers shaking painfully in his grip. His arm hurts and he can’t stand long enough to get the whole thing even. “It’s falling out, anyway.” He tells himself that it doesn’t matter, that he should be lucky he made it to this age without losing it. He tries not to think about it, mostly. To the way that his father used to smile at him and rustle it just to see the strands sit in all kinds of directions. How Haley would curl against him, arm over his shoulders, and brushing the strands as they talk.

But it’s just… hair. Mostly.

And “good” had melted into bad as Emily stood over him, running the clippers through his remaining hair. She’d cried and he had too but he had the free hands to wipe those tears before she could see them. She’s always the strong one, the least he can do is pretend for a moment.

Standing behind him, she can see every bone in his back. His pale skin stretched over each vertebra, like the hard pressure across knuckles clenched tightly. The plethora of scars in various stages of healing-- several from tubes and wires and tests and others from the childhood he refuses to speak of. A canvas with a story right there for her to see. There are no real secrets between them anymore.

The last bit of hair falls and she looks at what they’ve done. “You’ll have to wear a hat,” she tells him. She steps out of the tub, using his shoulder to balance herself. “I always thought you had a weird-shaped head but now I know.” There’s nothing abnormal about his head, she’s just thinking about how cold he always is. That at least now he’s got an excuse to wear a beanie inside and how he’ll look like a dork with the assortment of color and variations Garcia’s going to knit the second she catches wind of this.

She offers him her hands so that he can stand too and it’s a testament to their proximity that his shirtlessness isn’t strange. She’s watched his skin ease apart under the pressure of a scalpel. Sat beside him on the bathroom floor, head on his shoulder as the night moved on but they both knew he’d be back here all together too soon to get up. The scars are nothing to the vulnerability that he’s shown her.

Standing she… she sees the protrusion of his collarbone. Of the harshness, the invasion of the central line snaking into him. It overcomes her and she pulls him into her. Throwing an arm over one shoulder and around the other, pinning him against her. “I love you,” she whispers turning her face into his neck.

Her warmth seeps into him, in every place that her skin rests against his. The desperation in her tone makes him smile, the way that she holds him. He’s empathetic to her pain but it feels good to be held, to be loved like something someone is terrified to lose. “You know,” he says. “I kind of figured. You’ve stayed around too long for someone who, supposedly, hates me.”

She laughs. How many times had she gone out of her way to mumble “I hate you” at him? For waking her up to make her go back to bed so that she doesn’t spend her whole night on the floor as miserable as him. To have something to say in the face of the scary things that happen, when he squeezes her hand too tight or when he’s that numb calm she knows is no good.

“I do hate you,” she sniffles.

He laughs. An actual laugh. “Good,” he replies, wrapping his arms around her. “Good.”

Wednesday he makes her French Toast with a black beanie pulled down over his ears, one she’d seen only in the winter to stave off the threat of the ear infections the icy fingers of the wind give him. They talk while they eat and it’s a truly monumental thing to be shared between them-- a meal.

There’s something about sitting there and watching him perfect some glorified egg bread that annoys her. Knowing that likely, tomorrow this will be like a slap to the face. A taunt to see him now and then. Today he will the Aaron that she knows. The Aaron that peers over her shoulder while she’s trying to do things, baiting her into pointless arguments with his bad French and even worse German. To the Aaron who walks soundless and who grins when he turns up silently behind her and makes her yelp with a jump.

She watches the ease in which he takes to his french toast bleed away like the color in his face until lunch brings one of those meal replacements and he can’t do it. Then she finds the french toast she thought he’d eaten in the trash where he’d purposely tried to cover it. Knows that next week they’ll find the meal replacements didn’t work and do something else to his poor body. Cut another hole, insert another tube.

She hears him fall that night.

After hearing him laugh loudly over some stupid thing she’d said.

After playfully fighting with him over stealing one of his sweaters-- he has so many it’s not going to kill him to let her borrow one.

After just sitting with him on the couch for hours listening to music and sitting in the dark.

She hears him fall and, worst of all, she hears how hard he tries to cover it up. The sound is not as distinct as it should be with no crash that rattles dishes or a harsh thud. A stumble, really, a softer thump as he leaned into the wall for support but found none.

“Aaron.”

He’s sitting up against the wall, shoulders sunk in and head hanging. When he looks up she sees the blood pouring down his face, the tears pooling at the corner of his eyes. “...can’t stop it.” He coughs, wiping at the blood across his lips. “It won’t stop, Emily.”

She runs to the bathroom, grabbing a wad of toilet paper and not thinking twice about manipulating his face in her hands. One hand holding the back of his head while the other dabs the blood up. “We’re supposed to go to the hospital when this happens,” she reminds him. He’ll need platelets or something invasive but more than likely he’ll be submitted to an hour-long wait in the E.R. to be told it was the right thing to come in but altogether unnecessary.

He groans, not in pain but in the general theme of the awfulness he knows will ensue if she makes the decision they will be going to the hospital. To the cold beds and the wheelchairs.

“Water and bed,” she says, instead of what he’d thought would be her asking where his shoes and coat are. She smirks at him, knowing what he’s thinking and seeing the surprise written across his face. “We’ll tell them Tuesday about it,” she assures him. Tuesday when they’re probably going to tell them he needs to come back in another day. When they see the supplements aren’t working and he’ll probably need something invasive and painful. Then they’ll deal with the nose bleeds popping back (and that cough she’s noticed but has let convince himself she hasn’t noticed).

“Bed,” she says again when the words seem like they haven’t processed.  

“Bed,” he repeats thickly, her fingers clamped over his nose thickening the nasally quality of his voice.

They shuffle down the hall, Emily’s fingers curled around his hip and his arm over her shoulder. Heads bent in towards one another. He whispers an apology, feet hardly leaving the ground, and leaning on her a little too much. He imagines the beginning. When he’d laid on his bed, thinking about her and thinking about his father. The way the cancer had eaten his father away and he can see in the mirror, he watches closely and knows the same thing is happening to him.

His father had done what he can’t-- ended it.

It had been Aaron who found him. So strange to see such a violent man seemingly… peaceful. His memory is a patchwork of things, his childhood full of too many greys of undetermined moments, but that sight. Seeing his father’s lifeless body in the high-backed office chair he’d spent so many waking hours in has been unforgettable.

He can’t do that. He won’t make Emily see that or leave that sort of memory for Jack. It’s important to him that it be like this.

“You have to sit up.” She props him up on pillows, ignoring his complaints. The blood has slowed and there’s nearly no point in wiping it away. He just watches her, vacantly staring back as she tucks the blankets around his chest. “Sleep,” she instructs, kissing his forehead. “Do you want me to stay?” He knows she will. She’ll sleep right here beside if he asks but… no. He’ll be okay.

It snows.

He watches it from the only window in his room, she’d pulled the curtains back before she fell asleep. He sees her and her giant shadow with the yellowing light from the street pouring in, eating out the deep consuming darkness looming over him. Until today he’d only ever suspected she was dragging his office chair into his room but he’d never caught her, always waking up after she’d moved the chair back and gone back to her own room. Leaving behind only the three deep dents in the carpet where she’d sat for hours. There had been so many nights he’d spent sitting and watching Jack sleep as a baby-- some irrational fear that the baby would stop breathing in the middle of the night and so long as he was watching Jack would keep breathing. He needn’t ask silly questions, he knows she’s using the same irrational approach.

Clenching his teeth he tries to bite down against a cough breaking out, afraid to wake her some such peaceful slumber. He pulls himself upright, curling down as his temples throb, and his body shakes violently beyond his control. A goal in-sight-- the water on his nightstand and getting Emily back to bed-- he powers through it and overcoming the weakness of his body feels so satisfyingly familiar. To days when there was pain but no cancer and he loves the triumphant that washes over him.

The water is warm and stale, left there by Emily yesterday when she’d forced him to take his medicine (even though he thought he’d throw it back up and he had). It kills the ache of his throat, dry and bitter, and he clears his throat softly to take the rest away.

“Emily,” he whispers. Moving his lips cracks the dried blood on his face he grimaces as he smells the thick scent of the blood. “Emily, get up.” He won’t leave her to sleep in this chair all night. He’s made the mistake plenty of times, knows it’s no good. “Come on,” he touches her arm, palm against her bare skin. She jumps his touch is so cold. “Sorry, sorry--”

She really sees him and jumps even harder. Yelping in shock. “Oh! Oh, God!” She wraps her arms around her chest, breathing quickly, startled. “Fuck Aaron,” she shouts. “You scared the shit out of me!”

He rubs his nose, tries to dislodge the blood.

“Is-- Is something wrong?” She pushes her hair back from her face, “are you okay?”

God. He’s hurt her irreparably, hasn’t he?

“Nothing.” He offers his hand, even if the hand trembles visibly enough in the low light. “Nothing, I promise.” She takes his hand, allowing him to guide her up. “You shouldn’t sleep in that chair,” he informs her softly but still with that distinct fussiness to his voice.

She looks back to the chair and up at him, “I guess I’ve finally been caught.”

He smiles. The first time he’d put two and two together he was angry. Overly frustrated, seething over something so… sweet. She’d sat with him through the night, watching him sleep, just trying to be close and he’d been mad. Not now, though, now he can see how tired he is. He can feel her hand still clutching his. “It’s okay,” he shrugs. “It’s late, let’s go to bed.”

She frowns, brows crinkling as she looks around them in confusion. Sleep riddled brain torn between the rational thought that concludes he’s right, she should go to bed, and the worry she’d felt hours ago about leaving him in this room. She’s not sure what to do now, which thought to travel and act upon.

“Do you--” he looks down at the thrown back covers on his bed. Remembers this wouldn’t be the first time she’s slept in that bed beside him. Likely more than just the memories he can think of now, unprompted. He blushes, embarrassed he even had the thought but she looks down to and nods.

She doesn’t want to leave him alone.

He doesn’t want to be alone.

They start side by side, neither entirely comfortable. She falls back to sleep first. He can feel her breath even back out and within a few minutes she turns over towards him, her hand resting over his wrist. He looks back to his office chair, the giant back of the old thing. She’s so afraid to lose him, they all are. He can feel it in every little thing that they do. How Dave lingers a little more after each visit, hugs him a little longer. The way Derek looks at him, how close he stands. Even in Spencer and Jack who soak up his attention like flowers to the sun. Turning and facing him, finding him wherever he is to enjoy just one more moment. Hanging on to his every word.

He wakes soaked in sweat, shaking as Emily talks to someone rushed, too quickly to sound anything but frantic. Afraid.

He opens his eyes as a sea of red flushes through the room, the shrill of an ambulance breaking up the serene silence the snow has muffled the Earth with.

“Aaron?”

She’d woken to him struggling to breathe. Both had turned over in the night and while she’d turned toward him, he’d turned away from her. Her arm over his hip, her head against his back, they were nearly welded together. If not for the proximity-- his arm pulling hers closer, her leg in-between his, she likely wouldn’t have heard him at all. But she’d felt him jerk in his sleep, fighting his body for air.

And he wouldn’t wake up.

“Aaron?” she calls a second time. She should go open the front door, let the EMTs in but she’d seen a sliver of his eye. His cheek is cold against her palm but she cries, tears streaming when he opens his eyes. When he turns his face into her palm. “There you are,” she beams. His eyes slide back shut. “Stay awake,” she asks, her nerves getting the best of her and she shakes him. Pleased when his eyes open back up and find her. “Stay awake, don’t you want to see the snow?”

The stretcher is cold and he mourns the loss of his thick comforter but the drugs flooding into his blood makes him loose, pliable. He doesn’t fight being taken from his bed, even if he longingly looks back for it. Lets them strap his legs down place an oxygen mask over his face. The snow means nothing to him. He hates it, honestly, but as they step outside, Emily tossing his winter coat of him like a blanket, he looks up at it falling down on him.

Her hand slips away and he looks back for her, confused. She stands in the street, face turned to the fat snowflakes falling around her. All the light coming from street lamps high above her head. He’s reminded of a lifetime ago. When she’d gone against his orders and gone to investigate Michael’s death with a ferocity he hadn’t seen coming. When she’d avoided his eye and said she’d understand if he wanted her badge and gun after that little show. She’d forced his hand, made him call the Vatican, and consider his own allegiances. To when they were two very different people than they are now-- younger, naive… alone.

She catches up to them, slipping her hand back into his. Her fingers freezing cold as they curl around his. “Don’t you love it?” she asks. She looks back out, watching until the doors shut behind them and all she has is a tiny window.

He doesn’t but she does.

She looks young, weightless.

In a way, yes, he does love it.

@laiba-the-person, @emily-hottie-prentiss, @unionjackpillow, @clockedstar, @baumarvel, @blakeprentiss, @qvid-pro-qvo, @aaron-hotchner187, @ssalavellan, @lazyhater 

[firaknight]

I’m gonna make Adeleines opinions on all the dream friends and then maybe the helpers idk (and a few others cuz fuck it!)

Kirby: 10/10 best goddamn friend

Huge ball of love and joy!!! The happiest little friend!! He may be small but he is packed with love!!! One of Adeleines best friends and she care him :)

Bandee: 10/10 Friend :)

Friend from way back during the Crystal Shards incident! He’s a little anxious (think Tuter from Bear in the Big Blue House) but he’s very sweet and strong! He’s supportive of her and also squishable. Dees are surprisingly squishy!

King Dedede: 10/10 Mentor figure!

He’s super cool! Helped her find herself during Crystal Shards and was the first to get her to speak to everyone! She used to only speak French and barely spoke English (tragedy had occurred a few years before and she hadn’t recovered from it yet, being so young when it all happened), and he taught her a whole bunch of stuff along the way! She learned how to speak a lot of English, got a bunch of random trivia out of him, and learned how to be strong! He’s almost a dad but she’s too scared to try and call him that (he would ABSOLUTELY let her call him “dad” tho)

Meta Knight: 9/10 Oddly nice!

She was nervous around him early on because “mysterious knight has a sharp sword and doesn’t seem to care about safety” but he proved her wrong! He’s surprisingly chill and she really enjoys his company!

Rick, Kine, and Coo: 9/10 Old friends!

She’s known them since she was 3! Her mom introduced her to them before Dreamland 3 happened and she’s best buds with them! They’re all a lot bigger than you’d think and she can and will snuggle up with them in a big sleeby cuddle pile. All are soft except for Kine who is smooth :)

Marx: 7/10 Kinda scary but SOFT

He’s kinda creepy looking, especially when he’s got his wings out, but he’s not as terrifying as he looks? He’s got some odd little ticks but he’s snuggly and smol! He’s fluffy and it’s really weird? Like, he doesn’t look like he’s fluffy??? But he is??? She cannot wrap her brain around it but tries not to.

Gooey: 7/10 Funky lad

Points taken off because of him being Dark Matter and thats got a lot of trauma behind it for her, but Gooey is a legit funky friend. She was terrified of him at first (see: Star Allies title screen skits) but she’s friends with him now! He’s got a habit of holding everything with his tongue and exploring with said tongue (stuff gets slimy real quick) but aside from that he’s a malleable squishy friend!

Daroach: 8/10 Rat boy!

He’s got a New York accent and he’s a chaotic little bastard but absolutely sweet!! He’s made Adeleine an honorary Squeak Squad member and even gave her a little bell to commemorate the event! He takes her on occasional treasure hunts (safer ones because she’s fragile and speed is not her forte) and she gets to keep whatever she finds and an even portion of the total spoils!

Dark Meta Knight: 10/10 Adopted dad

Dude literally said “Is anyone gonna adopt this poor, fragile child who deserves the world?” and then didn’t wait for an answer. She was originally almost just as scared of him as she was of Gooey, but she warmed up to him super quick! He looks scary (and can be) but is really just a short ball of love and purrs.

Magolor: 7/10 What is he saying.

He’s the cool wizard friend but points off because half the time he’s speaking in Halcandrian and she has no idea what that is or how to translate it, nor does anybody else. He’s wacky and absolutely does magic tricks for people (Adeleine being one of them since she has a very vague grasp on magic and that stuff looks super cool to her) but like... what is he saying????????

Taranza: 9/10 Spider friend!!!!!!

He’s really good friends with her! They both sorta have someone they lost and still grieve over (Adeleines being her mom and Taranzas being Sectonia), so they look out for one another in that aspect, but they get along really well!!! He’s kinda soft and he sticks out his tongue when he’s happy!! They both go to Floralia and drink tea together at least once a month!!!

Susie: 6/10 Tolerable...

Susie is not a personal favorite for Adeleine on account of the fact that she tried to invade (emphasis on tried) Cloudy Park to mechanize it. She only succeeded in getting data from Kracko (who nearly fucking obliterated her and her robot right then and there) and was quickly chased out. The two have just... not liked each other since and Adeleine wasn’t very happy to see her join the group. She’s done some good things!!! She created super eco-friendly tech and gave it out to Dreamlanders and such, but her personality can be bitchy and she tends to not get along too well.

Francisca: 8/10 Cold but a friend!!!

She’s very very pretty and Adeleine kinda envies that (she doesn’t exactly have the means to keep herself looking pristine. The best she can do is wear something that isn’t her smock and fluff up her hair a little) but they’re close friends!! The two make gelato sometimes and it always turns into a fun mess because Adeleine has no fucking idea how to bake literally anything other than cinnamon rolls and gelato is WAY outside her skill level. It always tastes good tho!!!

Flamberge: 9/10 Cooking buddy!

Don’t let these two into the kitchen at once unless you want a banquet of food to come out of it. Berge brings out Adeleines more chaotic side and they get into trouble a lot. They make up for it with cooking! You’d think Berge would burn stuff with her fire magic but nope! Shes a frighteningly good cook! They can often be found cooking together!!!

Zan Partizanne: 8/10 Gives me mom energy but doesn’t seem to like me.

Had a bad habit of insulting everyone because she didn’t like them (see: Kirby Twitter) but she’s warmed up to everyone. She tried to keep up that “tough-guy” facade because she hates being seen as weak, but Adeleine has caught her holding Kirby like a kitten and bouncing/rocking him whilst baby talking him. She’s shown some genuine care for Adeleine, but sometimes it’s reeeeeaalllyy hard to tell if she genuinely cares about her or not.

[cerberus253]

How would Drago try to impress S/O? And how far could his jealousy and possessiveness go? Because I can assume that Drago will be somewhat jealous even if someone from Ice's team is just talking to someone else. Well, because IT'S HIS PEOPLE. HIS. Everyone quickly moved away from what belongs to His Majesty!

Hmmmm, I want to say Drago would try to impress his the S/O by getting them gifts that they want and just showing himself and his skills off. Personally, I love seeing Drago just do whatever; it could be the stupidest thing, but just because I just love him so much I’m always happy to see him just... be him. Like, those comic panels of him skateboarding with a backwards cap and talking funny is so dumb to me, but I absolutely ADORE him and his unintentional silliness XD So, yeah, gifts that he wants to give to them, and that they want, and just doing sick-ass stuff that he thinks is cool and it makes him look cool. Seeing as how “dramatic“ he is with his evil plans, it wouldn’t surprise me if he could be driven to go overboard with something. Like, let’s say it’s the S/O birthday and they love going to amusement parks or something, Drago would make sure they get ALL the prizes they want, be first in line for EVERY attraction even if that means cutting dozens of people, and Hell, he probably would try to rent the whole place out, or at least their favorite ride (emphasis on the word “try,” because it won’t happen, but he’ll try).

Now, there’s a difference between “jealousy“ and “territorial,“ with the former being wanting something that isn’t yours, and the latter being protecting something that is yours basically.

Drago would be both. He’s definitely jealous of humans getting the run of the planet and not demons, so there’s some actual proof, and with theoretical situations, I want to say it depends. Like, yes, he gets jealous easily and it can frustrate him, but depending on how attached he is with and to something will determine how immediate his outwards reaction would be. So, if he was jealous of the people the S/O was hanging out with, then it would be pretty noticeable by Drago being grumpy, easy to ignite, and his aggressive talk about said people. If it was the Ice Crew talking to somebody else for whatever reason, Drago would probably be more annoyed, especially if they should be doing something for him at that point in time and not “lazing about.“

Drago’s territorial-ness would be a lot more... scary. If someone was trying to recruit the Ice Crew, he’d be more like “They’re MINE; I found them first!“ and most likely, but begrudgingly, bargain with them to stay. Now, if someone was trying to get with his S/O, well, heh heh heh... Let’s just say my dreams will become a reality. Sometimes I have dreams about some random dude trying to get with me no matter how many times I say “no,” so I finally get annoyed and yell for Drago to deal with him, to which he GLADLY does. He jumps from seemingly out of nowhere, usually behind me or the dude, cracks his knuckles and does that evil villain snicker, which would usually scare them off at this point, but I would still let Drago chase him down and teach him a lesson.

In addition, if the S/O was hanging out with someone they like just as friends, but Drago gets a little paranoid and thinks the other person is trying to get with what is already his. He would be obviously bothered and pissed, definitely going out of the way to secretly threaten said other person, but I want to doubt that he would so easily go and break their kneecaps or something without the S/O say so. Not saying it would never have the possibility of happening, so if it did, Big Oof for Drago because that S/O gonna be PISSED with him, and Drago wouldn’t want his S/O hating him.

In conclusion, if ya mess with a dragon, ya get burned. Plain and simple. You make him jealous, you get an enemy. If you try to take something from him that he already owns, say goodbye to your precious kneecaps and skin.

[writerforfun]

Book cover: Do It Right,

CHECK THIS OVER!

I'm not good at this either, so lets work on it together.

I have added videos and tips to help you.

#1 Cover Power

Focus on the emotion, not the details. Authors get too caught up in the exact details of the book, and they want their cover to match. But readers who haven’t read the book yet don’t care about those details. It’s much better to use a strong, powerful cover that gets them reading the book than to use a less powerful but more accurate one.

Find the best picture you can. Start with a beautiful picture and the rest will be much easier. Get a picture that represents the emotional experience your book is promising – if it’s a thriller, the picture should be dark and scary; if a romance, it should be light and romantic.

Use the right colors. You can easily change the color scheme of any picture by adding a color wash or gradient over the top – easy to do in Photoshop or with my online design tool. Each color evokes certain universal emotions, which is why certain genres will usually use its own palette. Take good images and make them even more powerful by adding strong colors.

Use contrast. Use lots of contrast between light and dark, but also color contrasts – take a look at a color wheel to see color opposites that harmonize well. Green and red and hard to pull off without looking Christmasy – but teal and orange are always winners, and purple and yellow can also work. Red only goes well with whites and blacks. You can use a vignette effect around the edges to get that extra “pop.”

Avoid bevel and drop shadow. The #1 indicator of an unprofessional cover is heavy bevel or dropshadow effects on your text. Amateur designers usually add it because they don’t know how else to make their text stand out against the background art.

First of all, your cover text doesn’t need to be as bold as you think it needs to be. Professional book designs have text with natural contrast but still with patches where the text may not be super clear. That’s fine. “Needs to be legible as a thumbnail” is a myth – your cover will also be displayed online right by its title in clear print. Having an impactful cover is more important than having text that is easy to read.

Choose your emphasis. A lot of authors aren’t sure whether to stress their series title, book title or author name. You can’t stress everything. Almost always, stress the title and have the series title very small. You can’t give readers so much information that they’re distracted from the images – because the image is what should be causing that emotional gut reaction. Hook their interest first, then they’ll click the thumb to read all the details. But they aren’t going to try and figure everything out if your cover hasn’t already hooked their hearts somehow.

Don’t be interesting. A lot of authors think they need to be novel, different or interesting to stand out or surprise readers. For almost all genres, that’s a big mistake. Readers have developed genre expectations; they’ve gotten used to how books in their favorite genres are ‘supposed’ to look. For non-fiction, it’s OK to have a very interesting central image, but that’s because it’s expected for that genre. If you’re famous, and have a million people ready to buy your book, you can do whatever you want with your cover. But for the rest of us, your cover is the advertisement – it’s probably the first and only thing potential readers will ever see of your book; and if it isn’t good enough to punch them in the stomach or pull at their heartstrings, they’ll never even read the summary. Don’t take risky chances. Make the cover tell readers very clearly the genre, setting and major conflict.

No collages. Authors usually think in terms of a “scene” – so they ask designers to make them this specific episode from the book. That’s very hard to pull off with stock photography and Photoshop, and will probably look bad. It’s also hard to match characters exactly. Don’t cram in 5 characters all doing something with their unique superpowers and pets and clothing, being chased by their nemesis. It’s almost always better to go simple, with one or two main characters (or none) with one main background behind them for setting.

Remember, it’s always better to make a powerful emotional impact than to be accurate.

Should you use stock photography? In my opinion, yes, always, because it’s usually good quality. Illustration or art doesn’t work well except in some non-fiction, children’s books or chick-lit. The danger is that other authors are going to use the same photo – that’s true, but in my experience it’s better to use a great photo that sells more books than it is to use something unique but weak. Just search the top 40 or so in your categories to make sure nobody else is using the photo you chose. Also, you shouldn’t really use a stock photo exactly as is, with no changes, especially if it’s something special like a vampire image. Especially if it’s amazing, a lot of other people are going to use it. It’s better to find a model and turn them into a vampire with Photoshop (you can hire someone to do that for you).good

Happy Writing!

[cbspams]

The Boyz - Checkmate (Other version I watched)

Aight. Y'all knew this was coming and we are here now. We are HERE. NOW.

God okay let's start first with the literal opening shot. Remember Danger? Round one? Swinging pocket watch, the hat?? The flashy costumes, the confidence?? YEAH DUDES BRING IT BACK!! And not only that but they connected it to Reveal and Quasi una fantastia. Once again guys, we stan continuity. Literal story arc.

The conscious decision to start with Younghoon who ended Quasi. The conscious decision to have the barren tree burst into full bloom, only to melt into the fiery background of Reveal. Juyeon's entrance with the crown that he took back at the end of Reveal. Continuing on to Q who had the crown stolen from him at the beginning of Reveal, having him take it back and open the performance with a small solo dance as he did in Danger. (Side note, that ripple stop effect with the backup dancers? Beautiful.) I know Q did the jump off in Sword of Victory but Sunwoo did the major stunt in Danger and just that pass off, including all the elements. I'm screaming!!

Climbing up the staircase to the shadow screen throne was a beautiful touch. I've complained about this before with other groups and I've praised TBZ time and time again for this but their story building and concept execution is probably the best I've ever seen. I think a lot of 4th gen groups tend to struggle with creating cohesive story lines but TBZ does it really well. I wouldn't say flawlessly but as performances, excellent job.

I'm a tiny bit puzzled as to why Sunwoo fell from there but (theory time) I could see it as a fall from grace and then Checkmate being a struggle to reclaim the crown again. Kind of like how they fell from 1st place in round 3 and now this live round is their stake in clawing their way back up to Kingdom again.

The backup dancers were on! point! I know in the other performance I watched (linked above), TBZ did everything themselves but in this case they obviously couldn't do that. So having the backup dancers create that tension with the stop and go choreo was a good decision. I loved their costumes as well! All black but still fitting with the theme, the hats particularly got me to think like ah, this is royalty.

Sunwoo is such a performer holy shiiiiit. Facial expressions on point! I loved the kind of gothic hallways the LED screen had on. Checkmate is a darker song than any of the ones they did before. Danger and Reveal are both exciting, energetic songs whereas Quasi was really beautiful and not gentle necessary but passionate? But anyways Checkmate starts in a minor piano progression and the LED screen change just served to bolster that feeling.

Three-way chess hehe. I wonder how you play that? Did y'all know there's like a 5 dimension time travelling chess game on Steam? Physics folks are scary.

Juyeon's complete freeze when Hyunjae has his line is incredible. Same with Hyunjae when Juyeon starts singing again! The discipline!

YOOOO okay I had to rewatch the performance for this part but if you look carefully on the chessboard, it looks like none of the three sides have their king piece!! I was drawn to that when Younghoon says Check your king, like okay!! Go off!! They just know for a fact that people like me exist who scrutinize every detail dhjkf

Sunwoo looks so clean in his lines and his dance. Kevin being pushed around is both hilarious and also impactful because his line is I ain't never satisfied, and the image + vocal cue brings up the image of both a spoiled royal and also an ambitious one. They just flipped the table for Hyunjae to stand on so I'm like. What happened to the pieces?? Lmao, they probably just shoved them off to some backup dancers or smth but that was funny to me.

I like their continued use of swords as well. TBZ used a katana for their 90 sec performance but obviously with this performance being more medieval, makes total sense to have more European style long swords.

Since Checkmate is obviously a chess term, they did a complete chess royalty concept and I adored it. The costumes are everything, I love the detailing in the beading and chains! The split between black and white! Silver accents!!

Their chorus dance was so good, aughghghgh.

Once again, the backup dancer army. Just. Wonderful additions to creating the world of the performance. And again, similarly to Kevin on the chair, Sunwoo on the chair being lifted like a palanquin just continues to reinforce the idea that they're the best, above everyone else. Sunwoo commands the soldiers (dancers), tells them to go this way or that. He is the king and there's no question about it.

Sangyeon, Q, Jacob and Eric. Please. My heart. One thing about this section, I love that they really used the full extent of the stage. They didn't hesitate to use the audience stands too, which I think most groups would be too scared to consider. (I also wonder if it's an intimidation tactic lol. Did you see ONF's E-Tion and Wyatt?? Jaw: dropped) When Jacob and Eric are doing the sword fight, the lights flipping was really interesting because it reminded me of how you can see light reflected off metal when it clashes but also it gave me a vague illusion of fighting while darting between shadows, half blind, chasing each other??

YES PLEASE LIFT NEW UP HES IS BEST BOI. Continued appreciation of backup dancers. I know they did this so everyone could move into the next position which is why I think it's fine. But overall, even though I appreciate the dancers and think they're amazing, I always feel a little questionable when it's just the backup dancers doing something on stage. Personal nitpick though.

THE BOX. THE FUCKING BOX. DUDE MINATURE SCALE IT AND HAVING THE BLACK AND WHITE KINGS INSIDE?? AND THEN!! ON STAGE!! THE BIG BOX!! TRAPPING JUYEON AND HYUNJAE!! BITCH PLEASE!! WHAT THE FUCK HOW DO YOU THINK OF THIS!! I loved that they included a ribbon to "force" the two together in a struggle, and just artistically from a dance perspective it's pretty bomb. It restricts the kind of movements you can make so they did a beautiful job of going back and forth in a literal confined space, tied together. The perspective of the walls of the box also gave a really neat illusion of endless hallways on all sides, like they're in an infinite space. I loved it. So much.

Small thing but the confetti being the same dark color as the walls. Good shit.

Facial expressions ON POINT while walking through the salute. The aggression, the glower. Jacob especially looked really cool and intimidating and sexy?

Yeets chess piece. Jokes aside, that's a good impactful ending, and the continued messages on screen behind them just. Ugh. Literally so good. So. Good. Continued emphasis on the moon, on being kings. Having the army in front in formation like a crown. TBZ standing so tall.

I don't even think I really have any complaints about this performance. It's just that good. Everything was amazing.

Score: 10/10

[impalementation]

“Darkness! And horror of darkness. Unfolding, restless, visitant, sped by an ill wind in haste.” -Xander, 1.09 The Puppet Show

“No, I'm not saying she craned her neck. We are talking full-on Exorcist twist.” -Buffy, 1.04 Teacher’s Pet

“Oh, okay, th-this is nice... and scary.” -Willow, 1.01 Welcome to the Hellmouth

“Scary! I'll tell you something, though. There are a lot scarier things than you.  And I'm one of them.” -Buffy, 1.10 Nightmares

buffy season one imagery: horror

[commentary below the cut]

Every season of Buffy makes use of the horror aesthetic. It’s part of the show’s DNA. But season one is dense with the visual language of horror to a degree that really sets it apart from the other seasons, even the gothic season two. @blorgon-schmorgon rightly pointed out the way that the season transforms the high school setting into a place of shadowy danger, much like season seven transforms Buffy’s home into a haunted, unsafe house. But I think that season one’s use of horror imagery goes beyond the high school setting, too.

I’d argue that season one is in conversation with horror as a genre. The Master’s candle-lit cavern is a vampire movie staple. Natalie French twisting her head around is right out of The Exorcist. That shot of the vampires shuffling across campus in Prophecy Girl is taken straight out Night of the Living Dead, and other zombie movies. When Willow, Jenny, and Cordelia scream at them, it could be a scene from any number of teenage screamfests. In fact, Prophecy Girl is practically a cornucopia of horror tropes: Cordelia parking with a boy, the gore of the mangled jocks, the Master’s campy Come To Me gesturing. The creeping hell-vines remind me of movies like The Thing or even Little Shop of Horrors. Which means that when Buffy beats the Master and his various associates by the end of the episode, she’s also “beaten” the tropes of horror on a meta level.

That might sound pretentious, but we know that the origin of the show was literally the idea of turning the traditional horror victim into the hero. From the Welcome to the Hellmouth commentary:

WHEDON: In the credits, where it starts out with this scary organ and then devolves instantly into rock and roll, which is basically trying to tell people exactly what the show is in the credits. Which is, here’s a girl who has no patience for a horror movie. Who is not going to be the victim, who is not going to be in the scary-organ horror movie. She’s going to bring her own youth and rocking attitude to it. - [ x ]

With that quote in mind, I think it makes a lot of sense to see season one’s horror aesthetic as a bunch more church organs that Buffy--and the show, by extension--doesn’t have patience for. In Welcome to the Hellmouth, Angel stalks Buffy to an alley in a horror movie way, and then Buffy leaps down and tackles him. In the very first scene of the show, you think you know how this cliche horror tableau is going to go, and then Darla turns it around. In The Puppet Show the creepy horror movie puppet turns out to be a demon fighter. In Nightmares, Xander punches the clown that scares him, and the perfunctory way he does it (“I feel good! I feel liberated!”) could be seen as both a play on the resolution of It as well as the show giving the finger to the scary clown trope. In Prophecy Girl, it seems meaningful to me that Buffy is so afraid of the Master and her death. That grotesque old horror villain is scaring her. But because Buffy is brave enough to face that fear, she is able to be reborn from the trope of the helpless virgin sacrifice into a person who is no longer impressed by horror. “Oh look, a bad guy,” “What can I say? I flunked the written,” “You have fruit punch mouth,” “Save the hypnosis crap for the tourists,” “I may be dead, but I’m still pretty. Which is more than I can say for you.” Even if Buffy is still scared, she no longer lets these villains have power over her.

To connect things to season seven again, I think it’s telling that seven also has a pronounced horror aesthetic, both with regards to the high school (the dark basement) and Buffy’s house, and also just in general. Those scenes of the Bringers chasing the potential Slayers are very horror, as is the Sluggoth and Anya’s mutilated frat boys. And of course, everything in Dawn’s part of Conversations With Dead People. Seven is full of deep shadows and chiaroscuros to a degree that hadn’t really been seen since season two. But these aesthetic choices make a lot of sense when you keep in mind that seven claims it’s going “back to the beginning,” and that the beginning of Buffy was its commentary on horror as a genre. Season seven’s emphasis on girls being chased by horror movie terrors connects directly to the subversion of the slasher victim that Buffy originally embodied all the way back in Welcome to the Hellmouth, and continued to embody thereafter. By returning to visual and narrative horror tropes, and once again overcoming them, seven completes the arch that season one started.