#it was like 5pm maybe?? and i just woke up an hour ago which is 10am so it’s the longest ive slept in months

[prapais]

.

[smoochkooks]

—chapter four: white lies

this is a part of my an ode to a broken heart drabble series.

pairing: jeon jungkook/reader

genre: unrequited love, best friends to (?), heavy angst, future smut

word count: 1.5k

summary: it came easy to you to lie. but with every untold truth, you were hurting more on the inside.

previous || next

one year and 6 months ago

April was exceptionally moody that year.  

Every day you woke up to either heavy rainfall or a beautiful, cloudless sky. Alternatively, it could also snow for a couple of hours just to have it all vanish once the sun reappeared. As much as you loved Spring, you hated the capricious weather with passion.  

It was a normal, peaceful, Saturday afternoon. Saturday meant no classes to attend, no work to do on the side. It was just you in your small, cozy apartment, tucked underneath the blanket and binge-watching Attack On Titan.  

You were never an anime enthusiast per se, but you happened to befriend a doe-eyed weeb all those years ago. Your current occupation was just a part of the aftermath. It wasn’t like Jungkook was obsessed, not at all. He was actually far from it. Now, at the tender age of twenty-three, his old hobby was like a relapse. His love for anime was coming in waves every once in a while, gradually transforming into a two-months-long hyperfixation and then, it was nothing. And the cicle continued.

He was currently in the stage of re-watching Attack On Titan, hence why you had been forced to finally give the damned anime a try as well. Hell, he was even coming over tonight to have a marathon with you.

(He’d said that season three, his favourite, you had to watch alongside him.)

You: eren's annoying little shit  

Jungkook: told you so

You: but levi? damn I’d sell my soul for him  

Jungkook: for a 5’2 emotionally unavailable man?  

You: yep. that’s my type

It was far from truth. As much as you liked Captain Levi, he wasn’t Jungkook. You are my type, you wanted to write instead. There hadn’t been a man in my life who managed to even come close to you. But, as always, you kept those confessions to yourself.  

Right when you were about to play another episode, your phone buzzed again.  

Jungkook: I have a weird question  

You: I’m used to that  

You: shoot your shot.  

Jungkook: what’s your finger size?  

Confused, you read his last message once again. That was indeed a weird fucking question to ask, you thought. You had never really been a fan of rings. You only owed one - a gift from your grandmother she gave you for your sixteenth birthday. Rummaging thorough your drawer, you found it in a separate, black case.  

It still fit just right, so you took a ruler, measured the size and googled the results.  

You: it’s 7.5 I guess

You: why do you ask tho?  

Jungkook: I need you to go somewhere with me before our marathon if that’s okay

You: you didn’t answer my question  

You: but okay. what time?

Jungkook: ill pick you up at 5pm  

Jungkook: you’ll see  

Maybe it was for the better he hadn’t told you where he was taking you. If you had know, you would have backed away last minute. Come up with so lame excuse, blame it all on a headache or period cramps.

If you had known Jungkook was taking you to pick up an engagement ring for Soojin, you would have never come with him.  

When you parked in front of one of the most high-ranking jewellery stores dowtown, the solemnity of the situation hit you like a whiplash. You took a deep, shuddering breath. Jungkook was thinking about marrying Soojin. Jungkook was going to propose to her, soon. He was ready to spent the rest of his life with her. 

Jeon Jungkook, the love of your life, was about to slip out of your reach for good. 

You couldn’t cry. Not in front of him. You clenched your fists so tight the knuckles turned white.  

“I figured out you could help me,” Jungkook said, breaking the silence and unbuckled his seatbelt. “I checked Soojin's finger size once when she was showering and then I found out that your’s the same and well, you’re a girl so you obviously know more about jewellery than me and–”

“Jungkook,” you cut him off with a dry chuckle. You didn’t want him to speak. You didn’t want to see him. You wanted to jumped off his car and ran away from that place as far as possible. “You don’t have to explain yourself. I get it.”  

You smiled at him with reassurance. It was actually hilarious, how you mastered the art of feigning your real feelings when you were with him. It came easy to you to lie but with every untold truth, you were hurting more on the inside.  

“I’m here, so you don’t have to worry about chosing something horrible.”  

He grinned and you noticed a dust of pink covering the apples his cheeks. It was hard, so fucking hard seeing him happy because that was all you ever wanted and yet it pained you not to be the main source of it. Jungkook was twenty-three and already so in love he wanted to get married. You were going to see him in a black tux, a prince charming waiting in front of the altar for his princess.  

It ached. Why did it ache to see him happy?

The lady who worked at the jewellery store greeted you politely with a bow. “What can I do for you?” she asked.  

“We are looking for engagement rings.” Jungkook answered.

You could tell she was a bit astounded but her professional smile never faltered when she responded with, “Oh, that’s still quite unusual to see the couple chosing an engagement ring together.”  

You were about to protest but then, Jungkook did something you would never expect him to do.  

He grasped your hand.

(It was warm. His touch was soothing. Comforting. Then why did it hurt so bad?)  

“My girlfriend wants to chose the ring herself but she doesn’t know when she will get it.”  

To make matters worse, he sent you a wink. The store’s clerk cooed at the scene and clasped a hand over her chest. For her it was yet another day at work, yet another pair of adults who had decided to get marry.  

“You make a really beautiful couple.” she said. 

Even Jungkook’s hand squeezing yours couldn’t ease the sting you felt hearing her speak those words to you. You smiled lightly for good measure. She then pointed at the display and gave you some time and space too look at the options.

Your whole face felt hot. Jungkook was still holding your hand, still playing the role of a perfect boyfriend. He didn’t seem to notice what kind of effect it had on you. He didn’t know how fast your heart was beating, how warm his touch felt on your skin. It was all just a silly joke to him.

He leaned closer to you, so the store's clerk couldn’t hear him. His breath tickled your skin. “You’re blushing.” he whispered.  

“Shut up.”  

He chuckled and let go of your hand. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.”  

(No matter how much it hurt you on the inside, you already missed his touch.)

“It’s okay. Let’s chose my damned ring, shall we?” you proposed, mustering a nonchalant tone.  

Dodging uneasiness with humor always worked out, it seemed.

You felt odd and out of place standing next to him and staring at all those glimmering jewels. In the corner of the eye you saw the lady who worked there glancing at you from time to time and that was when you remembered you were supposed to act like a soon-to-be fiancée. 

“They’re all pretty.” you said to Jungkook. 

“Which one you like the most then?”  

You didn’t have to think long about the answer. The ring with an emerald stone caught your eye from the beginning. It was different than the others, definitely not a standard choice for engagement but something about its peculiarity made you want it to have it shinning on your finger one day.  

Except, you weren’t here for yourself. Jungkook wasn’t your boyfriend. You were helping him chose a ring for Soojin. And you knew exactly what she would like.  

So you pointed at the number thirty-two. A sparkling, white-gold ring with an oval-shaped diamond.  

Jungkook let out a hum. “It’s really pretty, yeah. Excuse me,” he called. “My girlfriend would like to try out this one.”  

You ignored the phantom pain you felt as you put the ring on. You flexed your fingers and just for a moment, you pretended it wasn’t a farce your best friend came up with. The diamond shone brightly just like the glimmers of happiness in Jungkook's eyes. He didn’t have to worry about Soojin's answer. He knew it would be thousand times yes.

You were good at pretending. After all, you had been practicing the art of it almost your entire life.  

So you drove with Jungkook to your apartment and listened to him babbling about his newest project at work. You made snacks, sat in front of your TV and spent the next couple of hours watching Attack On Titan. You cursed him for spoiling you a few bits of the show and Jungkook, like the petty Virgo he was, reminded you how you accidentally revealed him Little Women's ending because you had read the book years before.

As you laughed and bickered with him, you still remembered about the crimson box tucked in the pocket of his leather jacket, but you didn’t allow yourself to break. Not yet.  

It was only when Jungkook fell asleep around 1am that you stepped into the shower and let the tears flow.  

And a week later, when the dreaded became real–

Jungkook: she said yes!!!

A white lie was told to avoid hurting someone’s feelings.

You: I’m so happy for you, Jungkook!  

After all, the best you could do was give up your happiness for the sake of his own.

[dreamygeorgenap-archive]

Mmm if the podcast starts at 11pm ct time it means its 5am for george now i doubt he would be on or if he is doubt he would have his camera on because he goes to sleep at that time lol unless he and dream pull an all nighter

No, you guys have to remember they don’t have “bedtimes” and they don’t have to be up like us normal people have to be up for school/jobs/existing in daily life/etc. George’s alt stream was a few days ago, which started at 3am CST (my timezone) and Dream said they were in a call for 10 hours (7 hours prior to starting the streaming) so that means that they maybe woke up around idk 5pm CST? That’s assuming they immediately started a call when they first woke up, which they’ve both done in the past. Anyways, they don’t have ‘normal’ sleep schedules because their jobs are just to make YouTube videos/ stream/ hang out with friends/ etc. So it wouldn’t be “pulling an all nighter” to them, it would just be their normal awake hours. I think their sleep schedules kinda coincide with the times the podcast is supposed to be. 

Idk we’ll have to see, I’m leaning towards they’re not going to be on it but at the same time the last time they were on Train’s podcast Train said he contacted them like 2 hours before the podcast started and they said they would be on so who knows? 

[fi-chanwrites]

:o omg could i get some hcs of todoroki and kaminari and maybe aizawa with a s/o who's sleep schedule's gone all kinds of weird bc of quarantine? thank u!

AHHHH MY FIRST BNHA IM EXCITED.

Quarantine = No Sleep

Todoroki Shoto

Lets be real, this boy would keep the most regular sleep schedule

he is in bed for 11pm every night and awake for 6 am every morning

he would wake up and text you every morning to check if you were asleep. You never are.

You phone him as soon as he’s awake so you can talk to him before you sleep the day.

always fall asleep on the phone and h/e finds it absolutely adorable.

“are you not getting enough (y/n)-chan? That’s bad for you, you need to get regular sleep to function properly.”

“But shooooo, I don’t need to function properly... its quarantine”

“(y/n) it is 6 in the morning, please get some sleep darling”

“WE WILL NEVER SLEEP, COS SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK” Todoroki sighed down the phone, making you let out a giggle before yawning,

“plus I wanna talk to you more Sho, I’ve missed you” the little pout that adorned your lips made Todoroki weak, he couldn’t help but smile at you.

He saw your eyelids starting to close and heard your breathing even out, you were finally going to sleep. The cycle continued for days, you would call him when he first woke up and he had to convince you to sleep but it would be a bold faced lie if he said he didn’t love seeing your sleepy face every morning.

Kaminari Denki

We all know this boy is in the exact same boat as you.

Like he’s the one who’s been keeping you up til like 2 am on video calls

“don’t go to bed yet, I’ll miss you” complete with a pouty face and everything, like who can say no to that.

If you’re not talking on the phone then you’re texting eachother, texting “Good morning” even if its 5pm for you...

Both of you are vibing with bags under your eyes, living your best/worst lives

“are you falling asleep? its only 5am, thats weak”

“shut up Denki I’m tired lemme sleep for once”

You two would fall asleep on ft almost every night, like you’ll fall asleep and he just won’t hang up. He finds your breathing calming and it lulls him to sleep himself

“How long have we been on call now baby?” you asked him, yawning which just drove your point forward.

“ummm it says eight hours bumble bee” he smirked, already knowing that you were about to fall asleep again.

About five minutes later you were out like a light, Denki laid the phone near his pillow on his bed. All he could hear were the soft rises and falls of your chest as you breathed heavily. It was five in the morning on a Monday, normally the twoof you would have to be up in only an hour but of course quarantine ruined that.

He missed seeing you in person everyday, being able to hold you close and kiss you, but he would have to deal with seeing you through a screen for a little while longer.

He fell asleep, content with the idea that he would be able to speak to you again tomorrow, listening to your calm breath as his lullaby

Aizawa Shouta

Living with this man, he is so done with your shit, like he can hear you crying over anime at 3am and he’s just like “wtf am I dating?”

Will stay up with over weekends when he has marking to do.

Honestly relies on your ditzy, sleep deprived state to keep him entertained while he’s working.

You’re legit sleeping the day away while he’s busy working because you’ve been let off work completely for the time being.

He’d just be spooning with you, unable to sleep because you’re still on fuckin tiktok

man is ready to throw your phone across the room, he just wants to cuddle his girlfriend dammit

Aizawa turned over to cuddle into your back only to be greeted by the glow of your phone screen, and your shoulders shaking from your silent giggles.

“You should be asleep by now kitten” he mumbled into your shoulder, kissing the exposed skin slightly, his lips tickling you with each movement.

“Just one more... I promise” 

“(y/n) you said that an hour ago too, and you will continue saying it until its morning, then you’ll just sleep all day and I won’t have anyone to keep me company”

You sighed rolling over to face him, burying your head into his chest as he wrapped his arms around you.

“Fine I’ll go to sleep... I love you” 

“ I love you too idiot”

Tagging: @gulfwanq @happynoodle

[felicityfiction]

i listened to taylor swift and wanted to write a thing. woosang from ateez because their friendship is so precious!! this was written in like an hour. the grammar is bad and the tenses are alll over the place and theres nothing even resembling STRUCTURE but it’s 3am and i needed catharsis!

Wooyoung realises. Maybe a little bit too late.

the classic childhood best friends trope that i love because i think that the best kind of love develops slowly, and not all at once.

“The last time you saw me is still burned in the back of your mind”

Wooyoung glared at his phone, desperately wringing his hands together. pick up, pick up. fuck

the call went to voicemail. wooyoung dropped his face into his hands, pressing his palms into his eyes as hard as he could, breathing turning ragged. where are you where are you come back

he knew he had no right to demand anything at this point. this was his fault. but an eerily silent group chat sent chills down the back of his spine and left regret clawing at the back of his throat. i didn’t mean it.

he waited for a moment, then picked up his phone from the table. he scrolled down to his latest chat, rereading the messages that had already imprinted themselves onto the back of his eyelids, haunting him, taunting him.

me: god, san, please. just tell me where he is, if he’s alright.

san: it’s not my place to say anything. i can’t speak for him.

me: that’s bullshit. he’s avoiding me, not you. not all of you.

san: not the point

me: none of you are on my side.

san: how can we be? did you hear yourself last night, woo?

me: i get it i fucking get it. i was an asshole. i’m trying to make it right

san: i don’t know that you can.

the scene blazed across wooyoung’s memory, hot and painful. it was all clenched fists, parted lips and wide eyes full of-

of what, he didn’t even know. a mix of sadness, disappointment and regret.

the worst part was the lack of anger. his best friend had a temper shorter than anyone else he had ever met, but anger was easy. anger could be dispelled with time, breathing, and wooyoung’s self proclaimed irresistible charm.

wooyoung got scared when he saw emotions he didn’t recognise, not even after 10 years of friendship.

and because wooyoung was a coward, he pretended that he couldn’t see, and let his best friend walk out his front door to god knows where. that was a week ago. and in the span of that week, wooyoung spiralled. he was grasping at straws, trying to fix the situation.

nothing worked. his best friend had wiped himself off social media and gone radio silent on every messaging app. the number that he memorised like the back of his hand went straight to voicemail, every single time. the worst part was his house. it felt cold and barren, without the familiar voice trailing from the living room when wooyoung woke up.

wooyoung was missing something that he didn’t know he had.

—

“you gave me all your love and all i gave you was goodbye”

love.

wooyoung believed in love just as much as the next person. he was a clingy extrovert who thrived off attention. he had grown up with hugs and kisses from his mom, the occasional girlfriend, and hoards of his classmates in school that vied for his attention. jung wooyoung was the epitome of lovable.

jung wooyoung didn’t know how to love.

rather, he didn’t understand that love came in different forms. love could come from the most withdrawn, silent individual. you just needed to know where to look, beyond the physical affection and vocal admiration.

jung wooyoung couldn’t sense it.

not in the “tell me about your day” that always popped up when he ended dance practice at 8pm, exhausted and cranky but always ready to complain about every single thing that had ticked him off.

not in the magical cups of coffee that appeared on his school desk the day of exams, sometimes with a little post it note. “you got this”

not in the silent presence that was by his side watching him play video games with someone else. the presence that worked mutely in his kitchen, greeting wooyoung with a dinner that he never asked for, but was somehow always what he wanted. the presence that never uttered anything to ask for wooyoung’s attention, seemingly content with just being next to him.

jung wooyoung was a fool.

buried under his covers, he clamped his hands against his ears, pressing as hard as he could,as if he could drown out his own voice sounding in his mind.

are you out of your mind? he heard himself say, over and over again. this isn’t a good prank, man.

then silence. the silence that was always comfortable and reliable, suddenly turned suffocating and tense. it was as if a barrier had erected itself between him and the person he thought he knew like the back of his hand

again, those eyes. the eyes that conveyed everything his impassive face didn’t. shining with mirth when wooyoung lost a game, dripping with fondness when wooyoung danced on stage,blazing with irritation as he shoved wooyoung away from him if he was disturbing his studying.

blank, distant eyes. wooyoung felt his stomach drop, the same sensation that he felt

at that very moment, like he lost something very important that he couldn’t get back.

—

“so this is me swallowing my pride, standing in front of you saying i’m sorry for that night.”

wooyoung had had enough. all his friends wouldn’t give him a straight answer to a very simple where is he?

wooyoung was nothing if not stubborn. he was going to find him, and fix everything. he didn’t know how, but he was going to do it.

frankly, it was almost a miracle that they hadn’t seen each other in two weeks, not even by accident. it was like he was going out of his way to avoid the places in campus that he knew wooyoung was going to be at, as if he memorised wooyoung’s timetable and classes and oh

he memorised wooyoung’s timetable, classes and practices. wooyoung stilled, feet stopping beside an empty classroom as he stared blankly at the empty hallway in front of him. classes were starting, and wooyoung was supposed to be in his European History lecture, but he literally could not care less about world war 2 at this moment.

how had he never noticed?

he was always slouched against a locker when wooyoung ended a 6pm economics lecture, whining for food and sleep. always outside the dance practice room hidden in a far block on campus at 10pm on fridays and sundays, with a bottle of water and wooyoung’s favourite ice cream. he always knew when wooyoung’s exams were, and made it a point to appear after every paper, ready to take wooyoung out for chicken. as a celebration if he did well, as a consolation if wooyoung was ready to burst into tears.

always there,without fail. it was the perfect summary of their friendship for the past decade,really.

and wooyoung would be damned if he let that slip through his fingers.

walking with a flame of newfound determination, he wandered through the school until he arrived outside the science labs. as an Arts student, he was never here. perhaps because he was never the one waiting. never reciprocating.

but the large white doors of the biology labs seemed daunting to him, even as he came to a halt in front of one with a plaque reading “anatomy lab”.

anatomy practical, 5pm. block D, level 3.

that was what he found after searching up the timetable of the medical students in his year.

the clock ticked closer to 630pm, when the class would be released. wooyoung tried to use the remaining moments to compose himself. he wasn’t going to throw a tantrum, he was here to apologise. he couldn’t start with why the fuck have you not talked to me in two weeks you bastard.

he wasn’t the bastard. wooyoung was. he was prepared to start with hey, i’m sorry. can we please talk?

but then the doors swung open, and students in lab coats filed past him. some looked at him curiously, and some waved, asking about a party happening this weekend. wooyoung just nodded and smiled, chest tightening, body bracing, like he was ready to be slapped.

and a metaphorical slap had never hurt as much before.

black nike shoes screeched to a halt metres away from him. the same worn shoes that had a permanent place in the shoe rack in front of wooyoung’s door.

wooyoung was staring, and he forgot how to speak.

he couldn’t recognise the person with swollen eyes and messy hair standing in front of him. his best friend was always impeccably neat, something that wooyoung constantly teased him about.

now, he looked like he hadn’t slept in days. maybe two weeks. he looked at wooyoung as if he was going to lunge forward and sock him in the stomach.he looked at wooyoung with fear.

his lips clamped shut, while wooyoung struggled to get out the words he practiced. “i-“

he ran. wooyoung could only watch as his best friend bolted past him, barely grazing his shoulder as he fled. it still felt like a slap to the face. wooyoung was rooted to the spot, his blood felt like lead, he couldn’t move-

“if you don’t go after him, i will personally destroy you.” seonghwa glared at him, taking the place of the boy that ran, but substantially closer to wooyoung. he poked a finger into wooyoung’s chest, sighing loudly.

“he refuses to leave his house except for class. he won’t talk to anyone. he won’t go for his drone flying club or whatever the fuck he participates in. he’s broken, wooyoung, and we can’t fix him.” only you can

“fix him. fix the both of you.”

—

“if we loved again, i swear i’d love you right.”

wooyoung stood outside apartment number 4B, and his heart ached at how familiar it was. he was always welcome, but now it felt as if it was an impenetrable fortress that would swallow him whole.

he had nothing. no food, which he always used to appease his best friend’s anger. because this wasn’t anger. no prepared acts of acting cute, because this wasn’t irritation. just his heart in his hands, ready to be bared and presented. perhaps as a gift, more likely as a sacrifice. it was a sacrifice he was willing to give up.

“i know you’re in there.”

nothing

“i didn’t come here to hurt you.”

quiet.

“please.”

all he could hear was the ringing in his ears.

wooyoung breathed in once, deep. “fine. it’s okay, i’ll talk from here. i’m just banking on the fact that you’ll hear me out. it doesn’t matter if you don’t respond.”

this was the hardest thing wooyoung had ever done.

“i’m sorry. i know that’s the most useless thing to say right now, but i have to. i’m sorry i acted that way after what you said. i was being a complete idiot, and a jerk. you know i am that way, but that doesn’t excuse it. i’m really, really sorry”

breath two

“i miss you. it’s honestly been hell, these two weeks. my apartment’s a mess. all i’ve been eating is instant food, and honestly i couldn’t give a shit about all the tests we have right now. it’s always silent in there. i can’t blame all the guys for ignoring me, i deserve it, but it’s just- it’s just hard. i got used to you always being there. and it’s like i can’t function when you’re not.”

breath three

“i know i’m being selfish. i’m starting to think that i’m inherently a bad person, because even now i’m still thinking about myself. seonghwa said you haven’t left your house, that you won’t do anything. i’m sorry. fuck, i really am. you shouldn’t do all that. you shouldn’t have to suffer, you didn’t do anything wrong. i’m the one that made the mistake. so please, come back. you don’t have to come back to me, but the guys. they’re worried. so am I, but i’m past the point of deserving anything from you.”

breath 4

“i couldn’t stop thinking about that night.” wooyoung dropped his gaze, even though the door remained resolutely shut

“i know you can’t either. fuck, i messed up. i didn’t mean any of that shit, i honestly don’t know why i said that. but i’ve been thinking about it. about you. i think about you a lot.”

here goes nothing

“you’re important to me. you’ve always been, since we were dumb kids fighting over a soccer ball in the school playground. and i think i just finally realised how, how much i started to rely on you. i need you. it’s like i can’t breathe without you, and i just realised because you were always there,and i didn’t know to miss you. fuck, i miss you. “

“i’m pathetic. i don’t know how to understand you like you understand me. i don’t know why you put up with me, i’d probably get tired of myself. but you do. and i-“

wooyoung struggled to get his bearings through the shaky breaths that come through his lips, eyes blurry. there’s so much he wants to say.

like how he finally understands the meaning behind every little action that he took for granted. how his eyes have finally opened to another way of communicating, of expressing care and concern.

i know. i know it’s your language, and i must have been fucking blind my whole life to miss it but please don’t stop talking to me i’m just starting to understand.

how he realises just how much his best friend means to him, right when he’s on the brink of losing him

“i get it now. you’ve always been too good for me. and i’m sorry it took this for me to see what was always in front of me”

wooyoung can be brave for once. wooyoung can be the one giving.

—

“and if the chain is on your door, i understand.”

three words. just three words.

“i love you.”

wooyoung shuts his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose in a bid to stop the hot tears. the door is still shut, and the silence is threatening to overwhelm him.

“i don’t expect you to accept that. i know i hurt you. but i had to come and say it. maybe this is me being selfish again.”

one last breath.

“but i swear on everything we’ve ever promised over the past 10 years. i mean it. yeosang, if you can hear me, i love you. i should’ve said it back that night, i don’t know why i didn’t, because now i look back and i think i must have loved you from the start.”

wooyoung blinked rapidly, and tilts his head upright to start at the block of mahogany in front of him.

“if you’re out of your mind, then i am too.” a wry smile found its way onto his lips as his mind replays a decade of laughter and memories, bitterly juxtaposed against the crippling loneliness and fear he feels right now. he’s going to walk away, and his best friend isn’t going to chase him.

“i’m gonna go now. i’m sorry, yeo. i won’t blame you for not believing me.”

—

but apparently jung wooyoung still doesn’t understand kang yeosang.

kang yeosang has never been able to push wooyoung away. not when they were 10, and definitely not when they’re 20.

someone grabbed the hood of his sweatshirt and yanked him back harshly. wooyoung stumbled, and his heart flipped in his chest. before he can comprehend anything, he’s being pinned against the mahogany door, but on the other side.

wooyoung loves yeosang’s eyes, because they burn with an intensity that is incomparable to anything else. wooyoung is still crying.

“if there’s one thing i hate about myself, it’s that i don’t know how to not love you, jung wooyoung.”

wooyoung thinks that he finally, finally, comprehends everything as yeosang crushes their bodies together in a semblance of a hug. but it’s tinged with desperation, and years of unspoken words and hidden actions. it’s the physical representation of please don’t leave me.

jung wooyoung is a fool. but he’s starting to learn.

lesson number 1: he’s in love with kang yeosang.

[untitlednottitled]

number10

Pre-Event plannings

I had a grand plan, to be lawfully wedded to my bby on our 10th anniversary, 1 year after proposing to her on our 9th, in Jeju, in front of a field of flowers with a fantastical view of the sparkling sea. I even rushed and got the engagement ring ready before our planned trip to Korea in April! But alas, covid-19 had to happen and all was foiled. After the initial plan was foiled in Apr’20, we held out hope that we would still be able to travel by the year end.. but yeah covid gave us a great big middle finger, as yet again, cases skyrocketed and we were all but grounded in sunny Singapore. 

Finally, in Dec’20, I decided to propose before July’21! Since the ring and the JannPaul box has been hiding at the back of the closet for the past year, and i didnt want to put it off any longer.

i began to scout for and collate decor items bit by bit on carousell, shopee and other shopping sites. It was a painful process because my initial plan was to recreate “Venezia”, which was an ice cream cafe we went to at Sixth Avenue, back in our JC days before it bowed out of Singapore a few years ago. There was next to no mention of Venezia on google and I was also unable to find any useful logos of the establishment either! So that idea was scrapped. Next, there was the plan to create big cut-outs of either Monsta X or VIXX members who would seem ‘genuinely happy for the proposal’.. but once again, let down by google, as the images I managed to find were either too pixelated or not relevant enough. Sadly, that idea flopped too. In the end, I decided to go for a more normal but personal decor to surprise bby :)

Truthfully, there were many chances to surprise-propose bby, especially our most recent staycation at Park Royal Marina Bay, but I didn’t feel that I was ready to do it.. so I delayed it till our big dinner on July 10th. Why July 10th? SAF had the brilliant idea to schedule my ICT during our actual 10th anniversary date, so we decided that we would have our anniversary dinner earlier. Furthermore, after Gyu Bar, we decided that we could and wanted to try more fine dining. After much research and deliberation (between Whitegrass and Buona Terra), we finally went for Whitegrass, which had decidedly nicer deco and ambiance. 

The weekend before the 10th, bby suddenly suggested that after our big dinner, maybe we should go for a drive. This gave me a great idea - if i drove, this meant that she would have to come stay over, and then I would definitely be able to surprise-propose to her! I very easily agreed with her suggestion and went for a slightly higher-end car, an Audi. Thankfully, this rental was not far from my place and the rental wasn’t that much higher than the Honda Fit before. So far, all was going to plan. Then, we also decided that since we would be getting a car, we could travel slightly further out, eg. the East. We decided to go to Playground Ragdolls, which would be our first interactions with our dream pet for our new house! 

I ordered a huge preserved flower bouquet beforehand as well as a tiny flower-box, to be delivered on the July 9th, which was also my mum’s birthday. She requested to have chilli crabs for dinner, which my bro bought from Jumbo seafood. We had a scrumptious dinner that night, but extremely regrefully, I couldn’t invite bby to come over, because it would mean that she would see all the flowers and thus ruin the entire event. 

On the day itself

On the 10th, coincidentally, I had to take up a mover role, to help my bro move some of his guo-da-li stuff to his fiancee’s place in Pasir Ris in the morning. It was a very simple job that took up the bulk of my Saturday morning. After lunch, he sent me back and I quickly completed the deco and freshened up before leaving at 4pm to collect the car. 

Leaving at 4pm was an overestimation of the travelling time, but also to prevent any lateness. I reached the rental car location at about 445pm but could not find the car at all. Confused, i called the host and she was quite pekcek to inform me that I was 15 mins early.. i went ‘oops’ and apologised for my kiasu-ness. At least she wasn’t overly judgey about it. I took over the car and quickly got on my way to Lakeside. Along the way, the aircon vent handphone holder kept dropping everytime I made my way over a particularly high bump as the Audi aircon vent was different from the normal aircon vents i was used to, with horizontal panes. Other than the handphone holder dropping from time to time, the drive to Jurong was pretty smooth. 

I picked bby up at about 5pm and she surprised me with another street branded shirt, endorsed by Hyungwon of Monsta X. She even gifted me with a picture of him wearing the exact same shirt! I gifted her with the small flower-box and inwardly laughed as she whined about receiving another flower.. inside i was like ‘lol, wait till you get the one at night’. We drove off from Jurong to City Hall, which was supposed to get us to Chijmes in 25 mins? 

Oops, we will be so early! But in the end we spent more than 35 mins on the road, because google maps was being a bitch and not giving the correct directions and we had to circle round Chijmes twice because we couldn’t enter the place! Finally, we decided to follow the signs strictly and we managed to enter the Chijmes carpark at last. We wandered around Chijmes for awhile and took some pictures. I helped her take some pictures that she was actually satisfied with!!!! SDNJIADBNAIKFAUFAKLFDNA!!! 

After inwardly celebrating alone, we entered Whitegrass. Overall, the food was nothing to brag about, though the service was very good. Like what bby has said, the best things about the meal were the breads and the specially made financier by the Japanese Chef. The Chef came out to greet us and even wished us a happy anniversary followed by a picture of us hehe. 

Full af, we decided to drive to Sentosa cove to sneak a peek at the rich people but nope, not allowed to ba long long go in, so we rerouted to Palawan beach instead. well well well, no entry into the beach. hur. oh well, time to head home. Inside my mind was running in all directions, almost 1.5y in the making, it’s finally gona be time!!

We reached and parked in less than 30 mins and quickly made our way back home.. only upon reaching my doorstep that i realised i left my keys in the flower-box inside the car.. luckily my dad was still awake to open the door for us.

Once in, we discovered my room door was closed and i let her enter first. Once she sweeped her eyes around the room, i panicked a little and just grabbed the ring and knelt down. I was entirely FLUSTERED and my mind was blanked out. haha, i lost all sequence of events. i knelt at an awkward angle and i wanted to switch knees, at which point, bby looked down and saw me kneeling on both knees (facepalm ttm). but okay, eventually it got sorted out and we took some pictures, with creative advice from my fiancee (^^). i also told her the entire journey from the ring all the way to present time, honestly, without hiding anything. Tbh, i wanted to make it hella grand but I missed out on some deco and by the time i discovered, it was too late to order again. UGHHH. When we went off to bathe, it was already about 1am and we had an early morning ahead. We both went to sleep happy hehe. (i got myself a ring catto)

Ragdolls all day, err’ day

I woke up next to bby catto who suddenly wrapped me up in the blankets and took a picture of me -.-

anyways, after a quick breakfast, i wore bby’s present and went out. We went some place first, before heading to La Fez in the East. It was a Morrocan restaurant which had a very pink and cutesy exterior. The food was not bad as well, the bby ordered Shakshuka while I ordered the Lamb Shwarma. Not entirely filling but good enough for me!

 Next we set off for Playground Ragdolls.. but i think i missed a turn somewhere so we just parked at a nearby carpark instead. We wanted to walk to Tigerlily Pattiserie but changed our minds to head to Birds of Paradise nearby instead, since bby has been wanting to eat it. and hohoho, dark skies ahead started to thunder and shortly after rain poured down. We didn’t bring umbrella and neither were there any umbrella in the rental car.. so we decided to brave the rain. The initial rain was pretty manageable, a slightly heavy drizzle but manageable. The moment we were halfway to the next shelter however, it poured. and poured. and poured. Needless to say, we were both drenched.. and bby was wearing her Tory Burch too... nevertheless, we persevered and reached Birds of Paradise and got our ice cream too! (along the way we passed a mama shop and bought a $6 umbrella) We got roasted sesame and sea salt hojicha. Tbh, both were good but as we were practically wolfing the ice cream down and the quantity was really alot, the ice cream became pretty jelat after awhile. For the first time in a long long while, we threw away ice cream. Yes, bby was pretty horrible for throwing away ice cream, especially when she was the one who proclaimed she loved it. 

With our new umbrella, we eventually made our way back the way we came, dry this time, towards Playground Ragdolls! Since we were pretty early, we waited outside for a short while, before the host let us in. and wow, once in, we were greeted by 2 curious little Singapuras. At first glance, they looked like regular strays but on a closer look, they had a kind of refined quality that really separated them from typical strays. And then as the host continued her briefing, our eyes strayed to the ragdolls. OMGGGG all so floof and cute!! Bby and I settled down near the couch and started playing with an 8 month old female kitto. and omg she was so playful!! Immediate want! While playing, we didn’t forget to enquire more about the purchase process and also listened in on the other customers’ queries as well. 1 hour passed all too quickly, and it came time to bid farewell to the cattoes. 

On the way back to the car, bby remarked that she was a little peckish, so we decided to head to a drive-thru at marine parade.. but once there, no drive-thru to be seen!!! We stopped at the passenger waiting area for awhile to research but to no avail. Eventually we gave up and I drove her back to her house.

At her block, I helped to carry all the barang barang back up and I remarked to her that I was going to call her parents ‘Mother’ and ‘Father’ to hint them that I proposed. And I did, but apparently, only her mum caught it. Her dad didn’t, sadly. Unfortunately, I needed to rush back to return the car, so i couldn’t stay to explain further (Sorry Father, i will explain the next time i’m there!)

Anyways, I drove back to return the car and swiftly parked. The owner ‘received’ back the car without much incident also. Aaaaand that concludes mine and bby’s eventful weekend, in which we both had our relationship statuses changed from boyfriend-girlfriend to fiance-fiancee ^^. 

Honestly, I do regret not getting actual flowers for you back in 2011.. but lol, the virtual flowers confession did make our relationship more interesting though haha. Yet another interesting tale that we can tell our kids next time also. I feel so happy as I recount the entire experience and am so glad that it succeeded. This sat, we will be going to re-size the engagement ring so that bby will wear the ring for events soon!! can’t wait!!

[larryfanficwriter98]

Chapter Two

(Just an idea of the gifts I pictured)

Louis texts

Harry texts

Harry woke up on the tour bus feeling it move underneath him. He groaned burying his face in the pillows for a few minutes. The tour bus was the same as any other tour bus except the backroom was converted into a bedroom a few years back. The bunks were for his band and the bedroom was his. The original story when it got out was that it was for Harry's many women companions no matter how many times Harry denied it. Rolling over he grabbed his phone and saw he had a new message in the Anonymous app. He unlocked his phone and went to the app and saw it was from Louis.

Why volcano boarding?

Harry's lips twitched before he typed a reply.

Volcano ash stains are impossible to get out.

Harry watched the screen for a minute before locking the phone and rolling out of bed. He headed to the bathroom to shower and to get dressed for a day of traveling. When his phone went off he grabbed it and checked the message.

Why do it? Lost a bet didn't you?

No.

Maybe.

Okay so yes, but it looked like fun.

And paragliding?

Lost a bet.

Skydiving?

Lost a bet.

Bungee jump?

Got dared.

Double or triple?

...triple.

Brutal mates

Tell me about it. They didn't even do it with me!

Horrible mates, you've got. What about mountain climbing?

Unfortunately, that was my fault.

Figured why not...I now know why not.

Yeah? What's the biggest reason?

I'm scared of heights.

The harness digs into your balls.

Pretty sure I'm sterile now.

So what brought you to Anonymous?

An entire bottle of Wine.

I don't have many friends and haven't been able to properly date, and I'm currently traveling right now. I'll be back in England in six months and I don't know I guess I am a hopeless romantic who thought this was a good idea after a bottle of wine.

Yeah? Where are you traveling?

Different locations. Currently in Germany heading to Hamburg.

"Hey, Tommo your cereal is getting soggy." Louis jumped and looked away from his phone to look at Liam.

"What?"

"Your cereal. It'll get soggy."

"Oh. Right." Louis turned away and went back to texting Harold back but he made sure to shove a spoonful of coco pops into his mouth.

"Who are you talking to? New guy?" Louis hummed distractedly, "can I have some if your coco pops?" Louis hummed again as he slid his thumb over the keys before he realized what Liam just asked.

"What? No!" Louis looked to Liam, but it was too late as Liam was smirking and eating a spoonful of coco pops.

"Did hell freeze over or do we have a hidden box if coco pops?" Zayn asked walking into the kitchen

"Louis has a boy he's distracted by and I took advantage." Liam said feeding his fiance a spoonful of the cereal.

"Distracted enough to let you have coco pops? That's a good sign. Who is he?"

"No one. I'm hiding my coco pops again." Louis grabbed the box and held it to his chest then he looked at his phone again laughing at Harold's message.

"I have to head into work, but I'll see you, lads, later." Louis set his coco pops box down on the island and headed to the door slipping his Van's on grabbing his keys while replying to Harry.

Have to head into work. Keep me updated on that snack thief and I'll text when I can.

I'll send hourly updates.

***

Messaging Louis became one of his favorite things to do, he was often distracted by the sound of his phone going off. 8 out of 10 times it was Louis and the 2% it wasn't always made his excitement go down even if just for a moment. He hasn't told Louis he was Demisexual or a virgin yet, but not because he was scared he'd leave the conversation, but because it has never been brought up before. Truly.

He would send pictures of beautiful views to Louis and famous landmarks and Louis would return the favor with the picture of the Manchester sky. Either it is raining or sunny, Louis always had a sarcastic message to go with it. It was almost an unspoken agreement to not send selfies to one another. He doesn't know how it became a thing, but it was.

Louis would often send pictures of what he was doing like if he was doing the dishes or if he was at work then it was of the kids he watched at the daycare. The video game controller if he was playing with his housemates, or if they ordered pizza he'd send him a picture of a slice and ask if Harry wanted Louis to save him some. Harry would do the same and send him pictures of his own game he was playing with his mates on the tour bus, he'd send him a picture of his meals at restaurants. If he was playing the guitar he'd send him a picture of his Gibson.

For some reason it worked for them, it satisfied them in a way. Harry has been debating whether or not to give Louis his actual phone number so they didn't have to rely on the app, but he just couldn't bring himself to do it for some reason. He did however find himself buying Louis things from the local shops and gift shops. When his backroom got a bit too crowded in Japan, and because he was feeling bad about the time difference he went to the post office and got a box then paid for the fastest shipping to Manchester after buying a postal box for Louis Tomlinson. The security question was What is the color of Harold's Gibson guitar?

Louis arrived at the postal office still confused as to why Harry had asked him to get his mail for him. It took a few days for Harry to convince him, but eventually, he figured it couldn't hurt and he would just drop it off at the listed address anyway. He really liked Harry. He was funny and Louis had a distinct impression that he was extremely hot and he couldn't wait for them to share selfies. He couldn't wait to share phone numbers and calls and maybe even facetime.

"Name please?" The desk worker asked

"Louis Tomlinson. I'm picking up." Louis told the man who nodded and typed something into his computer

"There is a security question. What is the color of Harold's Gibson?" The man was just as confused as Louis had been at first until he heard the question

"It's a dark blue with a hummingbird." Louis told him

"He just said blue so here is the key."

"Thank you." Louis headed to the number on the key ring tag finding one of the larger boxes. He had half a mind to take back his agreement, but headed to the box and unlocked it. Sure enough, there sat a 20x20x20 box, but instead of Harry's name, it was actually addressed to Louis Tomlinson. He turned the box to read the label and his jaw dropped in shock when he realized Harry had sent it from Japan.

"That lying asshole." Louis said even though he was grinning and was kind of pleased in a way that Harry was so thoughtful. They hadn't talked about being exclusive to one another, but neither of them has talked to anyone else and they told the other one that. Louis had a feeling that Harry wasn't the type to just message five guys and Louis, after a week of talking to Harry stopped replying to the others. He headed to the desk with the box in his arms to return the key, but the man shook his head.

"It’s under a six-month rental. The key is for you to keep trying not to lose it." Louis nodded trying not to get too pleased that Harry was planning on sending him more things. He packed the box on his passenger seat then headed home eager to open his gift. When he got to the house he walked inside with the help of his ass and hips.

"Why do you have a box?" Liam asked curiously

"Because I do." Louis said as he set the box on the coffee table and opened his phone taking a picture of it and sending it to Harry. It was 9am in Manchester so in Japan, it was 5pm so Harry should be awake for another few hours. Some days he was busy though and hardly able to message which Louis understood if he was on a worldwide vacation. Louis wouldn't want to chat all that much either.

"Japan? From Harold?"

"Yeah, the little lying jerk." Louis locked his phone and tossed it to the couch before heading to the kitchen to grab a knife.

"Didn't he just arrive there though?"

"Yeah, about three days ago why?"

"You realize how much international shipping is? How much fast international shipping cost?" Louis paused and looked at Liam, "he must be well off."

"I bet it's daddy's credit card." Zayn said as he sat on the couch with Niall

"There's nothing wrong with having well off parents. Leave him alone. I actually like this one."

"Sorry Lou... you're right now open the box so we can see what he thought ya. Bet the insides are not as pricey as the shipping." Louis rolled his eyes at the gentle teasing before he cut the tape.

He opened the flaps and saw an envelope on top of the tissue paper that was hiding the contents of the box. Louis grabbed the envelope and opened it, pulling out a few pieces of paper that were folded together. Unfolding the letter he saw a messy, but somehow neat handwriting on the pages.

Louis,

I am so glad that my wine drunk mind led me through this really weird path of meeting you. You have brought a lot of joy in my life that I hadn’t completely realized I was missing. My friends and my family are all talking about how much I have changed since talking to you. You are hilarious, sarcastic, caring, and always seem to be one step ahead of me.

I'm sure the worker told you the box will be open for six months, I plan on sending a lot of things to you along my travels as long as we keep talking. I know we have exactly talked about exclusiveness and where this is heading despite both of us looking for settling down soon. I realize my situation makes it hard to meet and understand each other and I want you to understand more and more as I begin to trust you.

I hope you understand when I say I would like this to be between us. You see I am frequently in the public eye. Magazines, websites, articles, you name it. It's always been hard to meet people who are genuinely interested in me as a person either being friends or more. I don't have many close friends who I completely trust, I have a few and they're all very trustworthy, but a lot of people I have thought were my friends have used me in some way either for money or publicity.

I do not however believe you would do such a thing which is why I am telling you this. As much as I would like to completely trust you with everything, I can not and for that, I am truly sorry. I hope you understand because talking to you has been amazing and the highlight of this trip. Before I am home you will know the complete truth and hopefully, you will understand what being with me would entail in your normal lives.

Anyway, I bought you some things I have found around the local shops and gift shops. Some are cheesy crap that I thought was a good laugh while others were thought out and meaningful. I hope.

Yours,

Harold

Louis was only a tad confused, but after a second read through it made more sense. Louis folded the letter up and slipped it into the envelope ignoring the looks he was receiving before he pulled back the tissue paper. Everything was neatly and carefully wrapped in bubble wrapping even what Louis thought was a stuffed teddy which was ridiculous but cute in a way. He pulled the first item out and undone the bubble wrap revealing a Teddy bear as he thought with the German flag on the white shirt. Louis grinned as he fixed the shirt.

"Wow, a five-pound teddy. Impressive." Niall said

"Oh stop there's more in here he said there's a mix of cheesy cliche things and meaningful things. I find it cute."

And Louis meant that as he set the Teddy on the couch to grab the next Teddy. All the teddys were on top of the other items so he went through Poland, Denmark, Norway, Sweden, Finland, Japan, and Russia teddy bears. All the same bear and after Louis had lined them up he took a picture of them and sent them to Harold.

"I already don't like you two together." Zayn said

"Oh let Louis get spoiled. It's cute." Liam said hitting his fiance, "what else did he get you? T-shirts?" Louis glared at him as he debated which item to grab next.

There were a few boxes that had the German flag sticker on the bubble wrap so he grabbed those. He knew when they started talking Harry was almost leaving Germany so he was a little surprised Harry bought something from the country. What he unwrapped was boxes of German chocolate and German teas. Then there were boxes of natural wooden toys safe for children and Louis grinned knowing those were for the daycare that Louis had told Harry he bought toys for regularly. He honestly couldn't wait to open those boxes with the kids and test them out so he set those off to the side making a new pile.

He then moved on to Denmark flag items which were a simple black striped vase with a note that said ''Kähler Ceramics-For Your Future Flowers''. Following the vase was a Nisse souvenir, a little mermaid figurine, Danish chocolates of course, and Danish knitted sweaters just big enough for him to snuggle into which he had told Harry he liked to do often on cold winter days.

Moving onto Norway there were more sweaters which Louis was not complaining about one bit. They were all warm and big and he knew he'd wear them often. There were some Norwegian books printed in English that fit what he liked to read. Then there was of course the Norwegian chocolate.

After Norway was Russia and the first thing Louis pulled out was a Matryoshka doll, a few beautiful Russian lacquer boxes, a few birch bark crafts, and a lot of Russian sweets and chocolate. There was a large item that had the Russian flag sticker, but Louis could get to it yet so he moved on to Japan.

The Japanese souvenirs and gifts were a beautiful set of chopsticks that looked more for display than actual eating, a few Kendama toys, a few Koma toys, a Maneki Neko, a Japanese folding fan, a few different Daruma dolls, a Wagasa, and last some sweats and chocolate.

Finally able to get the last item out which was the main reason the box had to be so big. Multiple sticky notes were saying to grab it from the bottom and to be GENTLE. Louis was grinning as he bent over and grabbed the little edges that had arrows pointing to them in sticky notes.

"Need help?" Niall asked

"He says to be gentle not that it's breakable so hopefully not." Louis very carefully pulled out the gift. Niall moved the box away letting Louis set it on the coffee table.

He gently began unwrapping the smallest piece revealing a beautiful teapot and immediately he knew. He knew exactly what this was and he was going to kill him, he was going to murder Harold as he unwrapped the matching tray moving on to what he now knew to be a Samovar.

When it was revealed it was gorgeous and Louis didn't know if he wanted to cry or scream or faint. He immediately grabbed the Samovar and headed into the kitchen pouring water into the kettle and putting tea leaves into the teapot. He then plugged the Samovar into the outlet and turned it to its highest setting letting the water boil. Once that was down he poured the boiling water into the teapot and then the tea into a mug all in the manner of 12 minutes. Louis moaned shamelessly after the first sip of hot strong tea.

"So..it makes tea?" Niall asked

"It keeps water simmering so I never run out of hot water for my tea. I've been wanting one for years, but they cost hundreds of- oh that bastard."

"LOUIS HAS A RICH BOYFRIEND!" Liam shouted teasingly, making Louis glare at him as he grabbed his phone off the couch seeing Harry had messaged him back after he sent him the two photos.

Thought they were cute and hoped you'd like the cheesiness of it.

We need to talk about that last gift Harold.

No, we don't.

Yes, we do.

Nope.

Yes.

No. Absolutely not. Not talking about it...do you like it?

It's beautiful and lovely and I've already made some tea.

Good. So there's nothing to talk about then.

No more gifts!

😳😳😟😟😦😦🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺😨😨😰😰😥😥😢😢😭😭😭

Did you just send emojis explaining your sadness over my text?!?

Yes. I'm sending more for December. Your birthday is Christmas Eve Louis, I can't ignore that!

Well, how am I supposed to send you gifts if you're traveling?

Easily. You don't. 😁😁

😐🤨

😇😇

🤨🤨

(The story gets better after this chapter I promise.)

[feed-the-birdss]

James Asked

This is my submission for @tropewizardtournament! I hope you all enjoy!!

Read it on Fanfic

The humming sounds of the strange instruments that filled the circular room played alongside James Potter's tapping foot. The magnificent red and gold Phoenix next to the desk, whose name James could not remember, looked on at the messy haired boy pensively.

Before he started tapping his foot, James tried to engage in a staring contest with the bird because it wouldn't stop staring at him, but quickly realized the bird was going to win and resigned to his foot-tapping to distract him as he waited.

A few years ago, maybe even a year ago, James probably would've snooped around the office to get a good look at some of the nick knacks his wacky headmaster had lying around. However, he had been behaving a lot better over the past year. His mother had said it's because he's finally begun to mature. He guess that makes sense, but he doesn't really feel any different. He still makes decisions impulsively, like any other real Gryffindor. The difference is, his impulses are just directed towards other things these days. Like death eaters, and You Know Who.

Although, he could think of one impulse that hasn't changed even a bit, and it's the only one he's had to learn how to not act on. Red hair, green eyes, a freckled nose. James' foot's tapping slowly started to die off. Lily…he thought. Bloody Hell, he groaned. He really just didn't want to think about her right now. So he resumed his foot-tapping at top speed and started using his school shirt to clean his very dirty wand.

"Excuse me? But would you kindly stop incessantly tapping that foot of yours young man? Some of us are trying to sleep here."

As his foot stopped mid-tap, James looked up from the smudges on his wand to see the portrait of Armando Dippet, giving him the dirtiest look he'd ever seen on a portrait including the time he and Sirius woke up the fat lady as she was sleeping off what was an obvious hangover.

"Oh, uh—right, sorry mate," apologized James. He wanted to ask if he knew when Dumbledore was going to show up for their meeting, but thought better of it given the dirty look from before.

Without the tapping of his foot to distract him from his thoughts though, James was left with, well, his thoughts and the Phoenix, who didn't really seem to do anything other than stare at him.

His head looked towards the door of the office, "Where is he?" James asked out loud.

"Right here, Mr. Potter."

James stood up as the door opened and in walked the old man, half-moon spectacles, mauve robes and all. James was not exactly sure why he stood up, but a man like that somehow just automatically gets respect from everyone present when he walks into a room.

"Sorry Professor."

"Not a problem. I know I kept you waiting for some time. My most sincerest apologies, but Professor Slughorn and I got caught up in a discussion regarding our Head Girl's potion skills," explained Dumbledore as he walked to his desk to sit down.

James really did not want to talk or think about Lily tonight beyond Heads duties, but his curiosity got the better of him, and he couldn't help it, a conversation is always more interesting to him whenever she's mentioned. James sat down across from him and asked, "I don't mean to pry Professor, but may I ask why you and Professor Slughorn were talking about her potion skills?"

"You may." He said as he softly stroked the Phoenix, whose name James still couldn't remember, "Professor Slughorn is aware that I am very interested in the talents and skills of all the seventh years. Therefore, he let me know of Ms. Evans' exceptional potion-making abilities, and her quick wit. Which I do say, I have had the pleasure of witnessing myself, and it is quite something," he finished with a chuckle.

James couldn't help but smile back, "Yes. She's quite the girl," he agreed. However, saying that only reminded James of the fact this girl, he's pretty sure he's in love with, is not with him. The smile slowly left his face.

"To echo your words from before James, I must say that I don't mean to pry, but may I ask what is wrong? I've noticed you've seem off this past week. In fact, I think I overheard your good friend Mr. Black the other day mention that you've lost your 'strut' as he put it."

James was about to say that the upcoming quidditch game against Ravenclaw has been making him nervous, but he felt like Dumbledore's blue eyes were piercing him through those spectacles. He just knew that if he made something up, Dumbledore would know, and he didn't want a man he greatly respected to think him a liar. Plus, Sirius, Remus and Peter have re-instated the 'No Complaining About Evans Past 5PM Rule' again, and he was going a little stir-crazy today. So it poured out of him in one big huff, "I've fancied Lily since fourth year, and we're in October of our last year, and I'm terrified that I'll never get a bloody chance with her," James paused, "sir," he finished clearing his throat.

Dumbledore's eyes continued to exam him, and what made matters worse was that his Phoenix was still staring at him too. So there they were, James, Dumbledore, and this Phoenix, in this circular office, in loud silence, staring at each other. Sweat began to form on James' brow.

To James' utter relief, Dumbledore finally opened his mouth, "Hmmm, I see."

"Uhhh, yes," spluttered James, his brows furrowed in confusion.

"Forgive me James, but I was under the impression that you and Miss Evans were already together. So this is a bit of a shock for me."

James blinked. If expressionless calm-seated staring was how this man showed his shock, it is no wonder how he defeated Grindelwald. "What gave you that impression, sir?"

"Don't get me wrong. I am very aware as to how Miss Evans felt about you a year or two ago. My, I think the whole school was aware," he chuckled as James scowled. "Yet, there was barely a moment I can remember from last year or this past month, where you two weren't together laughing and smiling at each other. Naturally, I thought the friendship had turned into something more by now."

"I wish," sighed James. "We have become good friends, but I just—" he paused, "well sir, I just am a little nervous to ask her out after all the times she rejected me, and I feel like—you know, if she liked me back, Lily is the type of woman who would ask me out, but she hasn't yet…so yeah…"

Dumbledore, and to James' annoyance, the Phoenix continued to stare silently at him as James grimaced at the floor.

Once again, after a few moments and James' utter relief, Dumbledore finally broke the silence, "Mr. Potter, I am going to offer you some advice, and mind you, it's advice that I do not give lightly."

James' interest peaked. He was not venting for the purposes of getting advice here. He really just needed to vent to someone who wasn't Sirius, Remus, Peter (or his mother). However, when the greatest wizard in the world is offering you dating advice, you shut the hell up and listen. Although, he's pretty sure Sirius would laugh his ass off at the idea of Albus Dumbledore, sitting in a mauve robe, giving James advice on his love life as Dumbledore's pet Phoenix stared into his soul as he listened.

"I'll take anything I can get at this point sir." James encouraged.

Dumbledore's head titled forward slightly so his blue eyes were no piercing James directly, and he slowly brought the tips of his fingers together in front of his chest as he said, "Help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who asked for it."

James blinked. That's it. He thought to himself. I would be married to her by now if that was bloody true.

"Oh…okay," replied James blankly.

"Right, now James, I am very sorry to cut the love chat short, but we must be getting on with our meeting," asserted Dumbledore.

"Of course sir."

About a half hour later, James was walking back to the common room from Dumbledore's Office. As he and Dumbledore went over the protocols for prefects during the next Hogsmeade trip, he couldn't get Dumbledore's advice out his head. Help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who ask for it. Absolutely useless that was. What does that even mean? James couldn't count the number of times he's asked—begged—for something, anything or anyone to help him get a chance with this girl. Like, does he need to explicitly ask the school out loud? Is that what it is? Madness.

Madness…that kind of makes sense coming from Dumbledore. However, Dumbledore's madness is part of what makes him the greatest.

That's when James stopped mid-step and thought to himself, well, what the bloody hell have I got lose at this point anyway?

So he looked behind him to make sure the coast was clear, and then quickly hauled himself into the broom closet and slammed the door. The force of the slam caused a broom to clatter to the ground and dust to sprinkle down from the ceiling.

After quickly brushing himself off, he deeply breathed in the dust-filled air and tentatively said, "Hogwarts?"

He then paused as if expecting, and half hoping, the school to magically speak back to him. But after a second or two of silence he continued, "Right, so um, Dumbledore said you may be able to help me out with, uh, well my Lily issue, or my lil' problem, as Padfoot likes to call it. But I guess what Sirius says doesn't matter much to you right now.

'Anyway, yeah so, there's this girl, and well, I think I love her. But we're not together you see. We're friends—good friends—hell, I consider her one of my best friends these days, but I want to be more. Sometimes…Fuck, okay, I've never said this out loud, but, um, well I sometimes think she might, uh, like me back and stuff. Like, she's always making excuses to touch me, and she flirts back with me all the bloody time. And at the beginning of the year, when we were on the express on our way over here, the train rattled, and Lily sorta fell onto me, and I caught her. At that moment, I swear she was dying to kiss me as much as I was dying to kiss her…" James' eyes glazed over at the memory.

The dust in the air soon made James sneeze, which woke him up from his stupor, "Uh…right. So this girl. Lily. So I guess I should formally ask you for help? Okay—here we go, um…Hogwarts, I, James Fleamont Potter, am desperately asking, or begging if you accept begs, to give me the chance to date Lily Marie Evans…please and thank you…I guess?"

He waited a minute or two to see if anything happened. He's not sure what he was expecting, but he was kind of hoping for Lily to magically show up in the closet with him to ask him out…or snog him. He would be okay with either scenario really. Alas, nothing happened.

So he slowly opened the door of the closet, turned his head both ways to check that the coast was still clear and continued on down the corridor as if he was not just talking to himself in a broom closet.

He was just approaching the library, when he saw the unmistakable shade of red.

"James!" smiled Lily.

Holy shit. Thought James, as she smiled at him. He noticed her hands were covered in their customary ink stains he almost never sees her without, and her bag was slung over her shoulder.

"Hey Lils," smiled James. Trying his hardest to shield his nervous excitement. Was this it!? Was she going to ask him out? Was he all of sudden going to magically get the courage to ask her out? Were they going to snog?

"How was your meeting with Dumbledore?" she asked brightly.

This whole situation felt too mundane to James, and he wasn't getting hit with some splurge of courage or anything, so he felt like this wasn't the help he was promised. He's pretty sure Hogwarts would know how to be more obvious.

"Good. We went over the Hogsmeade protocol. Sorry I couldn't meet with him when you did, but you know…quidditch and all," he explained as his hand instinctively went to ruffled his hair.

"Don't worry about it." She said as they both started to head towards the common room, "Anyway, I've been dying to ask you all day, but what on earth has been growing on Sirius' upper lip. It's absolutely ghastly."

"I know! Moony tried to talk him out of it when he said he was going for it, but Padfoot refused. He's claiming the stache will match the motorbike he fixed up over the summer."

"Oh God. That somehow makes the whole thing worse. The scoundrel nearly gave my dad a freaking heart attack when he saw him come to pick me up on that thing," she giggled at the memory, "I had to tell him that as a witch, I was more than capable of saving myself if we crashed."

James laughed along with her, "that's probably true."

"Damn straight Potter." As they started to climb a staircase, she asked, "So other than rounds tomorrow night, what else do you have to finish before the quidditch game on Saturday?"

"Surprisingly not much, only that essay for McGonagall, and practicing nonverbals for DADA."

"That's good. The team looking alright?"

Luckily for Lily, just as James was about to go on a bit of a quidditch rant about strategies for the next game, the staircase they were climbing began to move. This was nothing out of the ordinary for any Hogwarts student, but both of them couldn't help but groan in response. They would now have to take a much longer route to get back to the common room.

As the staircase continued to shift, Lily furrowed her brows, "Is it just me, or is the staircase slowing down?"

"What?" asked James in confusion.

That's when the staircase stopped altogether. James and Lily widened their eyes. In front of them and behind them, the stairs were met with air. Neither side was connected to another staircase.

"Uh…James. Has this ever happened to you before?"

"Can't say it has Evans."

"Uh…right…what the fuck do we do?" she perplexed.

"Um…fuck, do you think we could jump down to that one down there?" He pointed to a staircase that looked about 15-20 metres below them. "How the fuck did we end up here? It felt like we were still anchored to that bottom staircase?"

"I'm so confused. We're literally, like, suspended in mid-air, and the closest staircases are about 20 metres above and below us….," she paused, "Do you think we could levitate each other down to the ground? Or we could jump and set a cushioning charm? Or we could send a patronus to someone and get help?"

"Ummm, not that I don't trust us to levitate or cushion each other, but like, probably safer to do a patronus and get someone to sort us out."

"Agreed. You know how to do one right? I saw you do it over the summer."

"Yeah, my dad taught Sirius and I. Do you?"

"I've been practicing for a few weeks with Marlene, and we've managed to only the get the silvery mist…so no I guess," she huffed.

"That's better than either Sirius and I were either to manage after almost two months of trying. Pretty impressive Evans," he flirted with a smirk.

Lily smirked back, "I just set you up for the perfect opportunity to show off in front of me Potter. You better take it."

James chuckled, and just thought him and Lily flirting at that very moment, "Expecto Patronum!" He yelled. Surprisingly nothing came out. "Uhhh…well this hasn't happened in a while. Let me try again."

This time, he thought of that moment on the train ride when he thought they were going to kiss, that memory worked when he cast the Patronus just this morning, "Expecto Patronum!" He yelled again with more power. Again, nothing happened.

It was clear Lily was trying to hold back a laugh, "Oh sod off Evans, you know I can cast it. You said so yourself."

"It's okay James. It happens to every guy. It's totally normal. Some men get performance anxiety when they're with a pretty girl," she finished with a fit of giggles.

"Not funny Evans," James said even though it was clear he was trying to hold a laugh back too.

Once they both sobered up a bit, Lily suggested, "Um, why don't I try levitating you, just on this staircase to practice a bit."

"Okay…" cautioned James slowly, "but, I swear, if you drop me, and damage any part of me necessary for quidditch, I am not going to stop all the angry Gryffindors from coming after you for hurting their chance at the Cup."

Lily rolled her eyes in response, "I'm not scared of some quidditch obsessed Gryffindors, and I am pretty sure the only Gryffindor who would ever dare hold a wand against me is Sirius, and we all know how that worked out for him last time," she challenged.

"Touché Evans, but the point still stands. Please don't hurt me," he jokingly begged.

"Stand still then James." Lily dropped her bag on the stair below her, took a deep breath and firmly said, "Wingardium Leviosa!" James stayed firmly on the ground. "What the actual fuck!? I got that charm the first time I tried in first year!"

"Don't worry Evans. It happens to everyone. Especially if you're with an extremely handsome lad like myself."

"Shut it! This is serious. I don't think any magic will work here for some reason."

"What!?" James eyes widened as he started furiously waving his wand and shouting, "Lumos! Lumos Maxima! Aguamenti!"

They both looked at each other with wide eyes in complete panic.

"Well fuck," gulped Lily. "What are we going to do?!"

James blinked, and then took a breath. "Um..shit, okay, we need to calm down and just wait, I guess. I don't think there's anything we can do if our wands aren't working," he reasoned.

"Right, okay…that's good…you're calm, I should be calm too," she took a deep breath, "I am calm. Totally zen. So let's just wait. Someone is bound to walk by eventually. Might actually be interesting to camp out here for the night."

"Uhhh…I don't think we'll have to worry about that. I know for a fact that McGonagall does rounds of the entire Gryffindor Tower after the midnight, and it's still only 11."

"Gee, I wonder why she does that?" questioned Lily with a knowing smirk as she sat down on the stair she was standing on.

James followed her lead and sat down as well, "Well, she only caught us that one time in second year, but you have to give her props for continuing to try."

"You boys should give her a special goodbye prank just for her on her last round of the year before we leave."

"We should! Why didn't we think of that!?"

"Because we all know I come up with Marauders' best ideas," claimed Lily confidently.

"HA! Yeah right Evans, you only once suggested a prank for Slughorn, and while yes, it relieved us of Potions for a week, it was not, by any means our best prank," argued James.

"Well, that's unfair. The quality of a prank is completely subjective then because while I know that one's the best, you seem to see another bogus truth."

James chuckled, "Whatever Evans, agree to disagree?"

"Fine," replied Lily with a smirk and a sarcastic huff.

With Lily's back against one bannister and James' back against the other banister lounging on the step below her, they then went on to discuss some of the Marauders' other great pranks and whether or not Lily's influence played any part in their brilliance.

After a good hour having debated the brilliance of the Maurader pranks, coming up with ways to sabotage Sirius' moustache, and Lily explaining to James why she thought muggle candy was better than wizarding candy, Lily remembered her unanswered question from earlier.

"So you never did tell me, how is the quidditch team looking for Saturday's game?"

"Oh right! Glad you asked actually! We're doing pretty well. That being said, we really need to clean up our defense. Our offense is next to perfect thanks to me and the other chasers, but Ravenclaw's defense is always better than ours. I mean, they like to double-team the best chaser on each team, and for Gryffindor, that's me. Sirius and Cootes wanted to do the same with Ravenclaw, but all their chasers are so bloody similar in style, it's hard to pin-point which is actually the best, you know? So I am trying to train them to fly in between their three chasers at all times so that they can't pass to each other. This way—"

"James, can you shut up now?" pleaded Lily.

"Hey! You asked!"

"Yes, I did ask, and now I deeply regret it."

James chuckled and rolled his eyes, "You always do this. You ask me about quidditch, and then tell me to shut up part way through my answers. So I think as punishment, you should be forced to listen to the rest of my quidditch talk tonight."

"Well, I only ask you because it's cute to watch you get so excited," stated Lily nonchalantly. James's reaction to that response, however, was anything but nonchalant. His ears were ringing, and his heart was soaring. Yet, to his total shock, he still managed to put up his famous flirtatious smirk.

"You think I'm cute when I talk quidditch Evans?"

"Sod off James. We both know I think you're attractive, and we both sure as hell know you think I'm attractive."

James wasn't really expecting that answer. His ears and heart were still ringing and soaring. I mean, attraction doesn't necessarily mean that she fancies him…could it? That's when James remembered, could this weird stuck on staircase thing be Hogwarts' way of helping him? He'd totally forgotten that he asked for Hogwarts help at this point, but it's starting to make sense now. This is his chance! It must me! There's no other explanation.

But, sweet Merlin, why couldn't Hogwarts have been a bit more obvious in it's approach!? Or at least given James time to come up with a game plan and consult with the Marauders!? Now he was starting to get nervous.

"Earth to James?" motioned Lily with her wand and hand.

"Sorry what?" piped up James.

"I just asked you what your plans are for Hogsmeade."

This was it. He was going to ask Lily Evans out, and she was going to say yes. Hogwarts was on his side this time. Nothing was stopping him now.

He took a deep breath, ruffled his hair, and said, "actually…Lily? I was wondering if you wanted to—"

"What on earth are you two doing up there!?"

James and Lily both looked down to see a furious looking Professor McGonagall from the bottom of the staircase in the corridor.

"It's not what it looks like Professor! We didn't do anything! The stairs just stopped moving, and we got stuck here!" yelled Lily down to her.

James was still reeling from him lost moment with Lily, and just stared wide-eyed at both of them as they yelled to each other.

"It most certainly does not look that way Miss Evans. What did you two do to the staircases? This must have taken some extreme magic! Will I find Mr. Black perched behind some pillar?" She asked as she quickly grabbed her wand from her robe and said, "Homenum Revelio!" She paused and turned her head wildly to see if the spell revealed anything. Lily and James just continued to stare at her, after a moment or two with no appearance from Sirius, McGonagall said, "It's just you too, but still, you two need to get down here this instant."

"We can't! We're honestly stuck. We didn't do anything to the staircase," stressed Lily.

"Our wands aren't even working up here," added James.

"I highly doubt that." McGonagall assured. She then made some fancy movements with her wand and proceeded to float up to their staircase.

James and Lily looked on with wide eyes and open mouths as their straight-line professor gracefully floated herself up the staircase like some sort of angel—all grace and ease.

"Merlin's Beard you two, why didn't you just jump onto the other staircase? It's only a metre or two. Honestly."

James and Lily's mouths were still open as their heads turned confusedly to look at the small gaps between each staircase.

"We swear professor, that gap was like—like 20 metres before, and our wands, Merlin, our wands weren't working…at all…I—I don't know what's happening," spluttered Lily.

"It's just Hogwarts doing its thing I guess," reasoned James with a small shoulder shrug. He had just begun to accept that Hogwarts worked in mysterious ways at this point.

Both Lily and McGonagall started staring daggers at James in that moment.

"James Fleamont Potter, if this was some sort prank, so help me—"

"It wasn't me! I had nothing to do with it!" directly, James added as an afterthought.

McGonagall looked at him with a thin-mouth, scrutinizing him to the best of her ability, which usually worked on James. However, James remained steadfast in his innocent stare. McGonagall sighed, and her mouth loosed slightly to say, "well, whatever happened here, it looks like everything's in place anyway, other than staircase being slightly off, but Albus will know how to fix it. No one was hurt, and it's not past the head students' curfew yet. Therefore, I suppose you two should just head straight to your dorms for now. However, don't let this happen again Mr. Potter."

James was about to argue once again that this was not his doing, but decided against it and just nodded quietly. "Yes Ma'am."

"Good, now off you two."

Lily grabbed her bag, then grabbed James and proceeded to, carefully, jump up to the next staircase as McGonagall magicked herself back down to the main corridor to go get Dumbledore.

"Do you promise that you didn't pull anything back there?"

"I swear to you Lils," he implored

Lily looked back at him earnestly, "Okay, I believe you. But Merlin, that was actually ridiculous."

"Yeah, but still not the strangest thing that's happened in these halls I bet."

"Too true, Potter. Too true," replied Lily as they walked back toward the common room. James couldn't help but notice that Lily seemed somewhere else in that moment though, as if she was trying to work out some puzzle in her head. There was the slightest turn of her mouth, and her green eyes didn't seem as bright as usual. James was a bit out of it too though honestly. He still felt like Hogwarts was trying to tell him something here, but he just needed another sign—another moment.

"Um…James?" Lily asked quietly all of a sudden.

"Yeah Lils?" For what must have been at least the third time that night, James felt like this was Hogwarts' doing.

"What were you going to say back there? Before on the staircase…about—about Hogsmeade, I mean. Before McGonagall interrupted and all," Lily's cheeks were turning red.

James' heart started hammering. This had to be it. Now was his chance. Hopefully, Hogwarts, or anyone else for that matter, wouldn't interrupt him this time.

"Yeah…right, so Evans—Lily…you've become one of my best friends this past year, and well," James' hand went to ruffle his hair, "I don't want to mess it up and all, but you have to know that I still fancy the pants off you."

"Wait…what? You do?" Her eyes brightened, and her cheeks turned impossibly rosier.

"Yeah, and I don't think I'll stop fancying you anytime soon…I honestly don't know how you feel. Well, I mean, I know you like me as your friend and all, but—" James' hand went to his hair once more as he stopped outside the sleeping Fat Lady's portrait and turned toward Lily, "I would really love to go to Hogsmeade with you Lily."

Lily's mouth kept opening and closing. This was worse than the three-way staring contest between him, Dumbledore, and that Phoenix. He wasn't even sure if his heart was still beating at this point. Maybe Hogwarts wasn't helping him after all. Maybe Dumbledore is as mad as he seems. After what felt like an eternity, James broke the silence in desperation, "Look, Lily—"

"No, wait! I have something to say. I just need to gather my thoughts. So shut up for a minute Potter," demanded Lily.

"Uhhh…right. Okay," nodded James.

Lily was just simply looking at him now, and despite her rosy cheeks, and brightened green eyes, she seemed expressionless, like Dumbledore was. Another eternity later, she took a deep breath, "James?"

"Yeah?" cautioned James.

"Why did you not ask me out before if you still fancied me?" asked Lily in an eerily calm voice.

"Honestly, I don't know. Well, I mean, I'm still kind of recovering from the whole 'giant squid' thing…" finished James with a chuckle. Lily hit James on the arm in response, "Ow!"

"This is not funny Potter!" yelled Lily.

"You two! It is past midnight! Head students or not! You shouldn't—"

"Fawkes," said James. The portrait swung open and James and Lily stepped inside the empty common room.

"Lily, look. I've been wanting to ask you out again since the summer, but I've honestly just been too scared, until now I guess, and I also thought that if you liked me back, you would've asked me out by now."

"Well, I thought you didn't like me that way anymore!" exclaimed Lily.

"What!?" James' eyes widened. "You fancy me back?"

"Yes! Since, like, halfway through sixth year you fool!"

"Why didn't you ask me out then!?" marvelled James wide-eyed.

"Like I said! I didn't think you still fancied me anymore!"

"What gave you that ridiculous idea!?"

"I don't know! I just thought, well…the ball was your court!"

"What bloody ball Evans!?"

"Ugh…James!" huffed Lily as she rolled her eyes, dropped her bag, stood on her tip-toes, took his face in her hands, and brought her lips to his.

James just stood there for a second, before he realized what was happening and began to move his lips in time with hers, and his arms immediately went around her waist to hug her close against him. He was in absolute heaven. He couldn't fucking believe. He was actually kissing Lily bloody Evans in the fucking Gryffindor Common Room. He was thanking every God and deity out there.

Lily finally released from him to catch her breath, and softly whispered against his mouth, "I would love to go to Hogsmeade with you by the way."

"Good," he replied, affectionately rubbing his nose against hers before he continued to passionately kiss her.

After a few solid minutes of snogging, James and Lily parted ways to head up to their respective dorms with grins on their faces, racing hearts and a flush in their cheeks. James even stopped halfway on the staircase to catch his bearings. He didn't want to walk into his dorm looking like a right sod. Then he remembered he owed someone—or something—a thank you.

He gently placed his hand against the stone wall, and said, "Thank you Hogwarts. As a gift, I promise to learn every word to the school song, and to never, uhh personally that is, put off a dung bomb in your halls ever again, and—"

"Uhhh…James?"

James looked up, and to his absolute horror, Sirius, Remus and Peter all stood there on there at the top of the staircase outside their dorm on the verge of laughing their asses off.

"What the fuck are you doing mate?" laughed Sirius.

"Yeah, who are you talking to Prongs?" snickered Peter.

"I'll have you know, that I have a date with Evans and I was just thanking the place that helped me get it."

That shut them up for a second. Sirius, Remus and Peter had abruptly stopped laughing, and each of them had dumbstruck looks plastered on their faces. Before Sirius utter with a grin, "well, it's about bloody time. What'd you do to finally seal the deal though?"

"I asked for help."

[bunnyhani]

No No Tears No!

Pairing: (Platonic!) Yang Jeongin x Hwang Hyunjin

Genre: Fluff and Angst

Warnings: Talk of anxiety, desciptive scenes of feelings of depression and suicidal thoughts. Cursing. Self-hatred, self-doubt. Unhealthy coping mechanisms!

A/N: Please be careful when reading. Do NOT read, if you get triggered by these topics. Stay safe!💕

Summary: Jeongin hated crying. He always said to his friends and other people important to him, as advice that if they need to cry, they should. In fact, he often encouraged people to cry, as it kind of releases pent up emotion and can ultimately make you feel better. But Jeongin himself couldn't take his own advice: he just hated crying. So he just avoids it. Not a smart choice.

-------------------

Jeongin hated crying. He always said to his friends and other people important to him, as advice that if they need to cry, they should. In fact, he often encouraged people to cry, as it kind of releases pent up emotion and can ultimately make you feel better. But Jeongin himself couldn't take his own advice: he hated crying. Of course everyone hated crying, but his hatred towards it was on another level. So he wasn't surprised when he often found himself pushing the tears back, swallowing his sobs and feeling awful after it. Still. He just couldn't handle the emotional state that happened when you were crying. The feelings it brought. When his friends asked and sometimes even jokingly called him a hypocrite, he always said something about the messiness of it. The snot running from your nose, your eyes becoming red and irritated. How you're running out of breath, and there was also a danger of getting an eyelash in your eye. How dumb the sobs sounded.

While all this was true, there was another reason too. Another one, that he wasn't particularly fond of sharing. To him, crying felt like the peak of sadness. It felt like everything in chest was getting squeezed and crushed into nothing. All the emotions that had been trapped inside, went through, escaping when he sobbed his heart out. They hurt even worse than they originally did. It just hurted, ached so badly that he thought he was going to break. The maximum point of sadness. To him... It felt like losing. Failure. Failure of trying to keep everything together and composed.

But for some reason, lately he has been crying more than he would like. He doesn't really know what to do with himself. So he doesn't do anything.

It started a few weeks ago. It started with sleeping troubles and self-esteem issues. He couldn't fall asleep easily and when he did, he would wake up a few hours later and would have trouble falling asleep again. Jeongin never had a good self-esteem to begin with, he didn't like looking at himself in the mirror. While he mostly didn't say he was the most awful looking human being on earth, he didn't like himself. He never did. He just didn't think too much. But both his views on himself kept changing as his sleeping schedule kept on getting more and more messed up. It all spiraled into another level of hatred when some spots appeared on his skin. He looked hideous. Although it was only four or three spots, it was awful. He felt ashamed. Usually his skin was clean and smooth looking. Now it wasn't. The weight in his chest just got heavier every day, his appetite disappeared and soon he didn't see any other living soul except his mother's. And that too was only because they lived under the same roof. His weight started dropping and he knew often that he should eat, but he didn't. He ate very little, maybe one meal a day. His weight started dropping. He kept declining his friends' invitations to come outside or other meetups. Jeongin didn't even know why, it wasn't like he did anything important with his time. He felt pathetic. It was the summer break and he was just laying around in his room in the dark, doing nothing else but crying and going through his phone, and making his mom dinner. It didn't take for him to realize that his depression was acting up along with his already active anxiety. And that realization required a bit of a shake for him too...

Jeongin woke up, back aching and he felt like he had been run over with a truck. His chest was heavy, but he didn't pay attention to it because it was a part of his life already. He made the dinner, not eating it yet, deciding to force himself to eat later. Now he just wanted to lie down and sleep more. Jeongin's field of vision started blurring as tears made their way into his eyes. He was snapped out of his thoughts at the familiar stinging sensation that told him about the tears' arrival. He blinked his eyes rapidly, taking deep breaths. Jeongin didn't want to cry. The boy got up from the kitchen chair and walked back to his room, misty eyed. He wanted to cry out of frustration, why would he be crying? He did not want to cry. What part of that very clear statement did his body not understand. He lied on his bed, thoughts running wild, and at one point, he just thought: I don't want to live. And that was all he needed before he was sobbing like a small child. His sobs were raw with emotion and he tried to stop it. He did. The boy couldn't stop it, no matter what, he was there just crying, laying in a fetal position in his bed. He tried to tell himself how sad people close to him would be, how he would never be able to see his favorite band ever again. But to his horror, he didn't care. He couldn't bring himself to care. Nothing mattered.

After his sobs started to quiet down, he felt numb but drained. He was annoyed with himself, that he felt this way. Why was he like this? I guess on the plus side, the crying saved my life. I would have done something stupid if I wasn't busy crying so much that I could barely breathe, let alone move. Jeongin wasn't happy with it. He was so tired that he couldn't even properly think about suicides. That thought alone scared him. If only he would have known that the realization if wanting to die and that his depression was active again, would make his thought world even darker.

For the next few days, Jeongin didn’t get any better. He felt numb to it all, but he also felt like he was close to crying and breaking apart any second now. His friends messaged him, asking if he’s okay. Commenting on his absence, how little he actually responded back to their texts. How dull even his texts were. Honestly Jeongin felt like he wasn’t really there. Like something was missing. Maybe his head wasn’t in the game or he himself was so emotionally drained that he didn’t have anything left. Not enough emotions to actually reply back properly. Write a heartfelt message, apologize for his behviour. When his friends complained about something, the best he could come up with: it will be okay and oof. Which was a big change, since he was usually so composed, always ready to help and give good advice. That was the reason why people even came to him in the first place, because he always had good advice and could provide a new way of looking at things. He felt the need to apologize. To say that this wasn’t him. But that was where the whole thing kind of fell apart. This was him. He was just extremely good at hiding it. Jeongin just shook his head as another text popped up, completely ignoring it. Sorry Seungmin-hyung, he thought and shifted his gaze back onto the wall that he had been staring for a good 30 minutes.

It was 5pm when the doorbell rang, indicating that his mom was home. He felt rage surge inside of him, gritting his teeth, he ran to the door to promptly rip it open. His mom was there smiling and Jeongin had the urge to kick her. Her mother’s smile fell from her lips when she noticed her son’s expression. Jeongin just turned on his heel to go back to his room.

“What’s wrong?” His mom asked, the look of worry on her face.

“You have your own damn house keys, why don’t you use them? Why do you force me to always come and run to open the door for you?” The boy exploded. He bit his lip as he tried to hold himself back from cursing his mother’s whole existense down to Hell. Jeongin didn’t wait for any reply and went back to his room, resisting the urge to slam his door closed like an angry child. He was aware that he was being childish and also knew that this was another symptom. Let’s add: irritation to the list of symptoms, he thought bitterly to himself. He didn’t want to hurt his mother. But now all the emotion was too much to handle and he wasn’t sure what to do with himself.

“Why did you get mad over that?” His mother shouted from the kitchen and Jeongin wanted to cry out of anger.

“Not every fucking day can be a good day!” He screamed back. Oh my God, I’m a fucking child, he scolded himself. Oh no wait, I’m just an edgy teenager. An ungrateful brat, your mom did nothing to deserve that. I have no right to act this way, I have no reason to feel “depressed”. I have no right to feel this, no reason at all. Someone has it worse than me… He was disgusted with himself. Again, he started crying. Then he fell asleep.

The next time he woke up, was to his phone ringing. It scared him so badly that he banged his head against the wall behind him. Jeongin hastily reached for his phone, heart beating wildly in his chest. Hyunjin was calling. He huffed and put his phone down again, letting it ring, not wanting nor daring to pick it up. But what if Hyunjin was in trouble? The ringing made his anxiety make it’s presence known. Hyunjin deserves that I at least answer to him, he guilted himself and grabbed the phone, just about to press answer when the call ended. He stared at the phone, eyes wide. Part of him felt smug, but a part of him was terrified. He just rested his head back against the mattress with a blank face. Well, if Hyunjin had any urgent business, he would text him. And when Jeongin had gathered enough energy, he would reply back to the tall dancer. But right now, that goal was just a hazy dream in his mind, as he was drained after the sudden adrenaline he got from being scared by his phone.

It was maybe about 10pm when Jeongin was somewhat alive enough to grab his phone again to reply to Hyunjin (who had been messaging throughout the day, not spamming, but just dropping a few messages here and there). He read through them and he felt kind of sorry. He took a deep breath and sent a text saying:

DesertFoxie: Hi hyung. I’m sorry I didn’t pick up when you called. I’ve been super busy, you know, doing my summer reading and all that shit. Honestly it took a lot out of me so I kinda may or may not have slept for like 4 hours. What did you want to talk about? Why did you call?

Sent,10:03pm

Waiting for an answer was nerve-wracking, especially when he saw that Hyunjn pretty much went online as his message went through. He swallowed thickly as the older started typing an answer to him. Should he wait for the answer? Or should he ignore it? Or just go offline and watch the window of the text then, so he could read through it without marking it straight away as read. It would give him time to ponder carefully what to answer. Despite his curiousness of his hyung’s reasoning, he did put his phone down and just stared at the oh so interesting wall again, just waiting for Hyunjin’s reply.

Hyunjin-hyungie: Hi. I was just wondering that how have you been doing recently. I’m really worried of you, Innie. It’s been awhile that you’ve been this distant to any of us… Please just know that I’m here. Tell me how are you.

Sent, 10:05pm

Ok, his hyung was the best person ever, Jeongin decided. He weighed his options for a moment, finger drumming against his thigh. Should he be honest or say that he was fine? He was so lonely. And he wanted to talk in a way, but at the same time not. He sent a message asking Hyunjin that did he want an honest answer. Of course, Hyunjin said yes. Jeongin nibbled on his lip and threw his head back in frustration. What to choose.

He decided to say fuck depression and anxiety, pushing himself to reply back and tell the truth, like Hyunjin had requested.

DesertFoxie: You know… The usual depressing bullshit. Actually no. You don't know, because I haven't said anything. I've been hating myself for a few weeks now consistently. Idk why, I just find myself disgusting. So I've been eating less and then I've eaten more and foods that aren't very good for you. But mainly not eaten a lot. Mainly because I don't have an appetite. Like I can't bring myself to care that I'm eating very sugary and chocolaty ice cream, not good for my skin since I'm trying to clear it up. But later, I will be like lol that's your fault, shouldn't have eaten u ugly ass, etc.

DesertFoxie: Oh and I've been isolating myself a lot more than usual. Hence why I'm hard to reach.

DesertFoxie: Aanndd my insomnia is acting up. And apparently, so is my depression.

DesertFoxie: I feel awful because my emotional state is so dumbly depressed and numb that I can't even put a proper thank you text together for you know… Checking on me and listening to me right now… Anyways, that's why all my advice (when people ask) has always sucked and been like oh yeah it will get better, drink water, sleep... I get why people would get frustrated with me.. I usually give good advice and support them (I do but fkalfkd) I just.. then give that bullshit that anyone can say ir figure out by themselves…

DesertFoxie: Like.. I can't.. just give you advice? Something just isn't there. Maybe it's my head. Maybe my emotions.. I don’t know.

DesertFoxie: And it's getting hard to pretend to be fine to my mom. Que me being in my room and avoiding all humans once and for all. We can add to the list of symptoms: irritability… I don't want to snap at mom. Because no. 1. She will most likely get mad at me. 2. Yeah just no that’s a bad idea.

DesertFoxie: It kinda makes your head feel heavy too? You feel so sluggish… I hate depression... It kind of feels like crying. Everything hurts and aches, everything gets squeezed in your chest so badly to the peak of heaviness and sadness and goes away and the next thing you know, you don't feel anything for a week. You hate everything. Nothing matters. I wrote a whole paragraph of how depression feels, yet I feel like that's not nearly enough. Like there is so much more, something so unexplainable. And you just want to sleep…

DesertFoxie: I just want to keep saying this isn't me but it is. I'm just good at hiding it.

Sent, 10:25pm

Jeongin held his breath after writing all that. He started regretting the choice after a minute already. Was that too much? Shit I’m too much, he thought and closed his phone. His heart was hammering in his chest and the familiar stinging of tears returned again.

“Fuck my fucking life, tears, just go away!” He screamed into his pillow. He was so so tired and done with the seemingly endless tears, actually he was done with living overall. If only he could just not exist, living would be so much easier. Unfortunately, he couldn’t do that, so he just settled for waiting Hyunjin’s reply, heart in his throat. The sudden ping from his phone scared him yet again. He glanced over and the text he saw, made his heart stop.

Hyunjin-hyungie: I’m coming over.

Sent, 10:22pm

Jeongin was pacing back and forth his room, biting his finger. Was Hyunjin mad? Was he not? Holy shit, he had probably angered his hyung. He didn’t need to inform his mom about Hyunjin’s arrival, since she had gone to a very long walk. Now he was extremely grateful for his mom’s obsession with long hikes and walks. He could trust that his mom wouldn’t be home, when Hyunjin and him would most likely talk. A lot. This time, Jeongin wasn’t looking forward to talking with him. This time the whole conversation would resolve around him, and honestly he wasn’t quite ready for that, but he knew he owed that much to Hyunjin. Fun. Then he heard the front door open and someone frantically kicking their shoes off and before he had time to move, the hurried steps got close to his room and his room’s door was opened. And there stood Hyunjin. The older boy was a bit sweaty and panting from probably running the apartment complex’s staircase up.

“Jeongin”, he breathed out and took maybe two or three long steps so that he could wrap his arms around the younger. Hyunjin hugged like he was afraid Jeongin was going to disappear from his arms.

“Hyung?” Jeongin asked tentatively, bringing his skinny arms around the tall boy.

“I’m here, hyungie is here. You’re not alone”, Hyunjin whispered.

The two boys sat one the floor, side by side, holding hands. Jeongin wasn’t quite on board with just draping himself over Hyunjin, although he was sure that the older boy wouldn’t mind at all. They had talked. A lot. And now it was silent, it had been for the last 8 minutes. Then Hyunjin broke the silence and asked a question that he had been thinking about since he saw the metaphor in the text messages.

“Why did you compare the feeling of depression with crying?” Hyunjin asked. Jeongin sighed.

“Well… Uhh… I don’t like crying. It feels like… Crying feels like the peak of sadness and it makes it feel like everything in your chest gets crushed. Well.. more like your heart… Like crying sucks.. Your eyes hurt, you get eyelashes in your eyes, your nose is running and your like running out of breath and it just hurts. It feels like the sadness is just squeezing into the maximum level”, he explained with a quiet voice, fiddling with Hyunjin’s long fingers.

“Is that why you always avoid crying?” Hyunjin asked. Jeongin just nodded.

“I guess we have to work on that then”, Hyunjin concluded. Jeongin lifted his gaze to his hyung in confusion.

“We?” he asked, confused.

“Yes we. It’s not like I’m going to let you deal with all this alone, I’m your hyung, you know. I’m here. And I will gladly help.” Jeongin just lowered his eyes to the ground and squeezed Hyunjin’s hand tighter. Perhaps the both boys knew that Jeongin cried silently next to his strong hyung, but they didn’t say anything about it.

Yes, Jeongin hated crying with passion. But now he wasn’t alone with everything, he had Hyunjin by his side.

[tbzhours]

falling for you

changmin/q x you, friends to lovers au, fluff 

[summary] you’re contemplating if you’re in love with changmin as you wonder if he’s also in love with you [words] 3.5k  [a/n] not a request; i hope you’ll like my first one-shot for this blog though ♡ 

“Rise and shine.” Changmin’s voice greeted you when you heard him standing at your bedroom door with his backpack on and a cold coffee drink in his hand. You quickly shot up, the blanket flying below you as your eyes widened at the sight of him and your clock, indicating that you’re late for school before you cursed with your hands digging into your hair.

Luckily, you were the type to do your morning routine fast. By 15 minutes without breakfast, you’re already out of the front door, running onto the sidewalk where Changmin stood, waiting for you with that funny smile of his.

“Did you do the homework?” He asked, following your fast footsteps from behind. Your eyes widened again, staring back at your best friend in shock.

“We had homework?” You screeched. Homework would be the last thing on your mind before you sleep and you were sure there were none. Nothing was coming to your rushed mind as his smile was still painted on his face.

“No we didn’t. I just wanted to freak you out.” Changmin giggled as you glared away, rolling your eyes.

“Why didn’t wake me up?” You asked in an annoyed tone. You looked at your watch, trying to do math in your mind but you shook your head as you couldn’t even count with the lack of sleep you got from staying up late listening to your favorite artist’s new album. Actually, you typically stay up late on a school night. It was just your thing and of course, a little coffee could get you through the school day at least (and a nap right after but you wouldn’t admit that that was always the reason why you couldn’t fall asleep at night).

“We’re not late.” Changmin handed you the cold coffee in his hand and you took it without a wonder why you’re drinking a cold drink in the middle of winter. He smiled, seeing you take a sip as you shivered, knowing it was the taste that made you do that rather than how cold it was. “We’ll catch the bus that’ll give us 5 minutes to run to class.”

“I don’t think I’ll make it.” You frowned, walking a little fast. Changmin could already feel your need to rush as you shook your head again.

“You got your coffee and we’ll catch the bus. We can make it!” Changmin cheered at your side as you both stopped at the crosswalk.

“Not if I tripped.” Your eyebrow rosed, your eyes peeking over the edges of your glasses with the straw of your coffee at your lips.

“Then you’re on your own.” Changmin laughed and you punched him on the arm. Payback. He gave you an offended painful look with his wide mouth opening without a sound but you shrugged nonchalantly, walking away as he followed when the lights turned green.

You both got on the bus, seated next to each other when you took out your headphones, not wanting to converse about school. (Like seriously, you’re on your way there, there’s no need to talk about it).

“Struggling already?” Changmin said when he saw you trying to fix your untangled headphone and took it from you. Your eyes met his and he smirked, “Reasons why you shouldn’t stay up late on a school night.”

The way his lips curved so close to you made your heart race. You wondered why it wouldn’t calm down. Was it the coffee? Your lack of sleep? Or the jog to the bus? Whatever that was, you couldn’t figure out what this feeling was.

It stayed out of your mind for a few days, even when you’re out to watch a movie with your other friend, Eric. He was your seatmate in homeroom and you both clicked when you learned that he doesn’t like homework too (unlike Changmin. You’d always call him the crazy one but you also appreciated that he’s always reminding you about them). Changmin was supposed to come along but he declined it to dance some more with his dance club. You were excited to go into the arcade area at the cinema with him to beat each other’s scores on the dance arcade game every time there was a new movie coming out, but that chance didn’t come tonight.

“Thanks for coming along, Eric. I would have been sad if I had to come alone.” You said in such a sarcastic sound, obviously trying to make Changmin feel bad for not coming. Eric laughed at your joke and played along.

“Of course. I’d never skip going to dance club if Changmin wasn’t the leader.”

“Let’s not talk about him.” You smiled hardly, the thought of him made your face burn (or even worse, your head boil).

“Sure, the way you sound implied so.” Eric followed your lips before you got off your chair, catching him off guard. He hovered over the table that was between you both and asked, “Where are you going?”

He followed you into the arcade game room with the popcorn bag and can in his hands, watching you get onto the dance game stage.

Only you and Changmin’s names were in the scoreboard until you gasped, your eyes widened at the sight a new name ranking first on the screen.

“What? What is it?” Eric asked, his concerned voice overlapped the other game noises around the room.

“Someone beat my score!” You cried before getting off the stage, taking your phone out to text Changmin. Oh just wait until he finds out, you thought.

Eric looked confused, twisting his head before following you out of the arcade room.

While watching the movie, you were distracted by the thought of Changmin not texting you back. Your feet kept shaking without Eric noticing. As you both left the movie room, you didn’t listen to Eric’s comments about the movie and asked him, “Is Changmin still at the dance studio at this time?”

It was a Friday. You thought it would odd for him to not text back when he usually leave before 5PM. “I think so? He said he was going to stay later than usual today for some reason.”

“Okay, good.” You nodded and walked in front of him, facing him as you walked backwards. “Well, see you then. I’m heading out first.”

“Oh, okay! See you later!” Eric waved as you already turned around. He smiled, seeing you walk out of the door as he started to eat the leftover popcorn from the bag in his hand.

You entered the dance studio building beside your school, following the music that echoed throughout the hall. It felt awfully quietly though. It was as if there were only one person using the rooms as you found Changmin dancing so powerfully in front of a mirror wall.

You were at awe. You have never seen him sweat this much before and it made your heart raced again. You thought he looked hot though you would never admit it, and maybe it was better to say you’d rather run your hands through his hair but you threw that thought away when you were caught staring at him at the door.

Changmin stopped the music and laughed at your still expression. You saw his dimple appearing on his cheek and never knew that feature could make your hand turn into a fist so fast.

You walked up to him, remembering why you came as he stood by the music stereo with his hands on his hips. “You cannot believe what just happened!”

“What?” He was holding in his laugh. You don’t come here often but when you do, he would stop whatever he’s doing just to listen to you.

“Someone freaking beat out score at the arcade!” You shook your hand with your fisted hand on your forehead. “I texted you but you probably didn’t see it.”

“Yeah, oops.” Changmin shrugged and laughed as he showed you your text on his phone, which he saw just now. You rolled your eyes as he set it down. “But that means you’re at third place. Now you have two opponents to beat.”

“I hate you so much.” You huffed when you saw his smirk and his eyebrow winking with such pester. “This is why we have to go together next time. I can’t stand being third.”

“You lost your streak at being second. Wasn’t that a goal?”

“Wow, I can’t believe you.” Oh, the shade. If you could punch him, you would totally do it.

“I’m just kidding!” His laugh rang in your ears. “Let’s go together next time then.”

The weekend went by so fast that you didn’t know you would get the Monday blues as soon as you wake up that morning. Luckily, your school day went by fast and you remembered about studying with Changmin after school when he threw shade again during lunch, knowing you can’t study alone (you were easily distracted, like your music and even as simple as a pen with a lid).

As you headed there, probably 10 minutes later than the scheduled time, you found him asleep. His head was resting on an opened textbook and his face was facing you. You carefully set your things down at your side before sitting down on the chair next to him. You found yourself doing the same, resting your face on the side as you stared at his face.

Without even realizing, you started to notice the features of his face; how nice his eyelashes were, how sharp his nose was, and how pretty his lips were that you wished he wasn’t granted with that cute annoying dimple on his cheek.

Something moved your face toward his with your hands holding onto the edge of the table. You leaned in and painted a quick peck on his rosy cheek which woke him up at the force of your lips. You quickly moved back, realizing what you just did as your eyes widened at a waking Changmin.

Changmin didn’t even noticed the touch as he got up, rubbing his eyes at you. “You’re finally here.”

“Yeah, just now.” You smiled at him so he won’t notice your red ears.

“Should we get started?” He asked, turned back to the textbook that he was reading. You nodded as you took your book out from your bag.

An hour went by and you were started to fall asleep. You took a drink from your water bottle and saw how focused Changmin was. That didn’t stop you from distracting him as you asked, “Hey, do you wanna go see that one horror movie that came out a few days ago?”

“Sure. That means I’ll have to skip dance practice.” He turned to you with a judging look and you rolled your eyes again, whispering a “whatever”. He giggled quietly, seeing your tested expression. If you really knew, you would know he just enjoys messing with you.

The movie date hangout went by so fast that your thoughts the next night were full of Changmin. You couldn’t stop thinking about how he held your hand in that room when you both were scared to death of whatever’s going to pop up from the horror movie you suggested on the screen, or even how he even suggested to crash at your place because his house was (only) 2 blocks away from yours.

Well, it’s not like he doesn’t do that often, BUT honestly, you couldn’t tell if you were falling in love with your best friend. The thought of him slipping your name from his lips last night when he dropped you off before saying ‘nevermind’ and turning away still lingered in your mind. You had to write down whether you were really falling in love or not before you realized the list you made in front of you and your shocking scream shook your house.

You ran out of your house, beating your usual rush out time in the morning, hoping to find Changmin at his place but your feet wouldn’t move when you’re standing 10 feet from the front door.

You sighed and made your way to the convenience store instead, hoping that getting ice cream could ease your mind over falling for Changmin. You both had been friends for so long and the things you both do were what friends usually do too. It’s not like he would feel the same, right?

To your surprise, Changmin was also at the store. You didn’t realize until someone stood beside you in front of the ice cream freezer. You jumped unintentionally, causing him to laugh at your funny action.

“What are you doing here?” You asked as if he shouldn’t.

“I should be ask you that.” His smiled beamed. “And you, why are you eating ice cream? It’s not cool to promote this cold winter weather.”

“Because I’m craving some. Let me be.” You opened the freezer and grabbed a cone before offering him, “Want one?”

“Sure.” He shrugged with a nod. You handed him one and he was a little confused when you closed the freezer.

“Who said I was going to pay for yours?” You laughed, passing by him as he frowned.

As you both were walking back to your neighborhood, regretting on eating the ice cream, Changmin suddenly asked you about the annual dance at your school that happens a month before prom. You were glad he brought it up because you forgot about it (which you were going to ask him about) and you were still distracted by the thought of being in love with him.

Your cheeks were pink when you looked at him under the night sky. “I don’t have anyone to go with so I’m not going.”

“Sure.” Changmin joked and laughed. “It’s not like you want to go anyway.”

“That’s true.” It was like a pre-party for prom. All dances sound the same to you so you shrugged, taking another shivering bite of your cone. “Don’t tell me you’re going.”

“I’m not sure. Eric kept asking me about it, but if you want to go, I’d totally take you there.”

That made you stop in your tracks as he took a few steps ahead before noticing. Your cheeks were burning again but he couldn’t tell by the color of your cheek. Actually, he was distracted by how red your nose was, but he held in his giggle when you held your chest high and asked, “Are you in love with me?”

It took a few seconds for Changmin to think. If you had to count, it would be two white breaths he took with a smirk on his face and a small kick of his feet before he whispered, “It’s a secret.”

Then he turned around, letting a refreshing sound out of his mouth in hopes that you wouldn’t see his obvious eyes. “I can’t believe we’re eating ice cream in the cold!”

“I’M SO SAD!!!” You cried one night at your place at Paney, another friend of yours. She was one of your closest friends after Changmin, one of which you could tell her anything and she would not judge you the hell out. Despite that, she still gave you the most judgmental look as you looked up from the dry pillow your face just landed on. Your voice calmed down as you asked, “How many times have I said that?”

“So many that I couldn’t count.” Paney laughed, watching her friend hide their face in the pillow again. She softly smiled, absorbing the emotional rides you were feeling. “You know, just tell him how you feel. That’s what I did with Sangyeon and look at us, happier than Romeo and Juliet.”

“Easy for you to say.” You mumbled against the pillow and looked up at Paney once again, giving her another chance to give her advice.

“Well, do what you feel then. I’ll support you in whatever you choose.” She came closer to you with a sly lip reaching her ear as she whisper, “Especially if the list you made said otherwise.”

There was not a mention of the dance anymore until the night of it when you went to the convenience store again. You couldn’t tell if Changmin was really going to go that dance and it didn’t matter to you if he was or not. It’ll definitely hurt to see him with another person but then again, you would never admit that.

You were standing by the freezer like the other night to buy some ice cream when you heard Changmin’s voice behind you, “You didn’t go to the dance?”

“Changmin, oh my god!” You screamed, turning to see him as if he shook you. He dared to laugh as he hid his lips behind the back of his hand. You were leaning against the freezer and blinked a few times before asking, “I thought you went to the dance.”

“Well, you think I’m there now?” He smirked with his hands up to his shoulders. He started to look through the ice cream freezer, his cheeky smile painted on his face. “I just came home from dance practice though, if you were curious.”

“Yeah, I sure was.” Changmin glared at your sarcasm as you walked past him, heading out of the store. He couldn’t see your hidden smile as he followed you out without asking why you were there in the first place.

“So, what are you planning to do tonight?” He suddenly asked, knowing that bringing up that dance would be pointless now.

“Nothing. Probably just chill.” You looked at him as he walked at your side. “You?”

“Same, and maybe get some homework done.”

“Wow, who does homework on a Friday night?” You asked, almost choking a laugh.

“Someone who works hard first before playing hard.” His offended eyes looked at you at the sides.

“Sure, sure.” You almost rolled your eyes and thought that he could relax a bit. It’s the weekend and he seriously needed to chill. Inviting him might help with that, but then, you heard him sigh as you turned to look at him.

“Can I ask you something this time?” Changmin asked. That question gave you a heart attack that you couldn’t look at him when you nodded. With little effort but curiosity, Changmin asked, “Are you in love with me?”

He had been meaning to ask you that after the night you asked him. You stopped walking, making him stop in his tracks too as your silent answer kept him impatient from all of the milliseconds waiting. This time he asked a different one, “Why don’t you ask me again?”

“Why? Are you really in love with me?” You finally pulled the courage to ask again, heck your face turned to him when you whispered. Your heart skipped a beat when he held onto your hand, intertwining your fingers together and lifting them up to your shoulders to show them off.

“Does this count as being in love with you?”

His touch made you blush the heck out of your life. Your breaths were a little shaky as you replied in denial, “I don’t know where you’re going with this.”

“Yes, I’m in love with you.” He said it so confidently that you couldn’t believe your ears. You wouldn’t mind him saying it again as his words rolled in your mind.

“You can’t be serious.”

“The fact we somehow ended up together right now, I think yes.” He smiled as his dimple formed, melting your heart. You sighed, turning away to hide your frown.

“You’re making me sad.”

“Then that’s a good thing. I know.” Changmin pulled your locked hands so you could look at him. It actually pulled you closer to him, heating your cheeks up even more as your breath touched his smile and you knew that somehow, you both had become more than friends.

When you both reached your place, standing by the front door, you couldn’t help to ask, “Are we official then?”

Changmin hummed, his eyes looking to the side. “If it won’t entirely change the way we are with each other before.”

You slightly turned your head. “What do you mean?”

“Like crashing you place at 1AM to pull all-nighters, waking your ass up in the morning for school, getting coffee. You tell me.”

“What’s gonna change though?”

“I don’t know. Maybe more things like this.” Your hands were connected as Changmin closed the spaces between your lips before he clashed his with yours. Your eyes naturally closed as your lips danced along the song that you both were creating with his smooches. When he pulled back, he giggled. “Why are your eyes still closed?”

“Because!!!” You finally opened your eyes and met his before looking away. Your foot rolled at its tip as you whispered, “I prefer cheek kisses.”

Changmin smiled so easily that he would do anything for you. “I can give you that too.”

And when he peck your cheek, you asked him to stop as he gave another one just to hear you laugh.

[do-lvn]

Fifth avenue

yo yo here’s a little soft fic about my baby gray. this pic made me think of this so enjoy loves! I'm going to quickly dedicate this to Luna for helping me pick out the beginning @rockstardolan

SUMMARY: Grayson works at a coffee shop on fifth avenue, when he meets (Y/N) he tends to become very fond of her over the next couple of weeks.

gloomy was all Grayson could think of to describe the day. it was a Tuesday and he worked a full 9-hour shift. so with only getting 3 hours of sleep due to Ethan staying up till 5 am playing music, he was very grumpy. He sluggishly walked in and checked his name on the old list hanging from the employee lounge.

“Hello, Mr. Dolan nice to see you here so early!” He looked over at John, the employee of the month for the past 7 years. he was always so cocky and Grayson couldn’t stand it. “good morning John, And please. call me Grayson.” he pulled his apron off the rack and slowly walked over to the door flipping the ‘open’ sign on. once he saw the lights start to flash he sighed and walked back over to his station.

He wanted nothing more than too to go back into his car, drive home and curl up into a ball of sleep. he almost fell out but the sound of the bell hung from the door woke him up. he looked up and almost fell over at the sight of you. you walked in with a friend, a cute smile on your face. He had never seen you before with the 3 years of working at the old Cafe.

“Hello!” You chirped up. He fought the smile from his face which only resulted in a smirk. “hi, welcome to Ridgewood, how may I help you?” You looked over the menu, and sighed. “you go first Emily, I got to think.” Emily walked up and gave Grayson a smile, “hi, I’ll take a medium hot chocolate, with marshmallows.” Grayson quickly jotted that down, he looked over to analyze your features as you looked over the menu. (Y/N), c’mon.” you looked down. “Just a small hot chocolate.” he smiled and walked over to the machine.

John walked over, “I got this you take their order.” he looked up to the group of businessmen that had just walked in. he grunted and walked. “How can I help you?”

You looked over at Emily, “okay, he's cute right.” you laughed and shrugged. “Yeah, if you're into coffee men.” she slapped your arm and continued to drool over John. “Here you go ladies.” you grabbed your cup and smiled. Grayson looked up and sighed, he didn't even get your number. (Y/N) he liked the way it rolled off his tongue. He would see you again he knew it.

And was he right, you walked in two days later with the same craving of a Ridgewood hot chocolate. You were alone this time, no Emily. Yet gray did see her, she had come back that same day to get john’s number, he was upset that you weren’t there but even happier now that you were alone. 

“Hi, again. I'll have a small hot chocolate.” he smiled and walked over to the machine this time happy John had the day off, so he could make it for you. He handed it to you and slightly touched your hand. “Thank you, uh..” you trailed off and took a peep at his name tag with a smile. “Grayson, thank you Grayson.” he smiled back. “You’re welcome (Y/N)” you must have looked shocked because he laughed. “You were here two days ago, I don't have that bad of a memory to forget a pretty girls name.” you laughed and tucked a strand of hair behind your ear. “Thank you, I’ll see ya around.” he waved and watched you walk out. “Excuse me sir.” he shook his head to look at the line of people he had to deal with. “You seem whipped.” he looked at the girl in front of him. “You said whipped? Sure I'll get you some whipped cream with that,” he responded completely dodging her comment. “Uh, sure.”

The next day you appeared again, this time happier than the last. “Hi, Grayson! I’ll take a medium hot chocolate.” he chuckled “oo a medium.” you laughed. “Hey its cold!” he grinned and walked over to the machine, this becoming his favorite thing to do for you. “A medium hot chocolate for you.” you took a sip and smiled, “thank you, you make the best. I'll see you again!” he waved and smiled going to continue taking orders. “Her best friend is hot.” he looked back at John “aren’t you dating her?” he shook his head. “No. but we are talking.” he scoffed, “you're 25 talking to a 19-year-old.” John laughed, “she’s 21. Turns out she met (Y/N) through her brother. They used to date and when they broke up her and Emily stayed friends. It's quite interesting, maybe if you had the balls you would actually ask for her number and hear it from her.” gray ignored him and just looked at you get into your car, “yeah, fuck off John.”

The next week you didn't appear and it started to affect gray, he even had it ready for you one morning, ready to give it to you on the house but you never showed up. He started to overthink john’s words. “Hey, John how are you and Emily. John looked up from the machine “good, I asked her out last week.” he nods, “have you seen (Y/N)?” John chuckled. “Yeah a lot actually, I'll tell her you asked about her.” his eyes widened. “No, no you don’t have to do that.” he nodded. “Whatever you say, dude, now go take those orders, thanks.”

“Hey (Y/N), I’m going out with John. I’ll be back tomorrow.” you nodded. “Sure! Bye.” it had been a month since you set foot in Ridgewood and it had only got colder, and today was a good day to get some hot chocolate. You looked out at the snow falling and smiled. You grabbed your keys and walked outside. It was 5pm only 30 minutes before closing time. When you finally arrived you caught gray walking out. “Hey Grayson!” he looked up and smiled. “(Y/N) long time no see.” you laughed. “I know, but are you leaving?” he nodded. “Yeah, my shift just ended. Why did you want a hot chocolate?” you smiled. “If it's not too much to ask.” he shook his head. “Not for you. What are you feeling today, medium or small?” you grinned. “A medium.” he smiles. “I’ll be right back.”

You walked over to your car and sat on the hood. He walked back out “here you go.”

‘Thank you Grayson.” he nodded “are you doing anything tonight?” you smiled and shook your head, “nope just me and this hot chocolate,” he laughed. “Can I change that? Would you like to go see a movie?”

“Is this you asking me out Grayson?” he chuckled, “I believe so.” you nodded. “Well then, yes Grayson I would love to go see a movie with you.” with a smile he grabbed your hand. “Alright your pick.” you started to think when a car pulled up. “Hey! Gray! Let's go.” he looked at the side of the car and scowled “you got my car dirty Ethan.” you looked over and almost did a double take, twins.

“Would've never expected you to have a twin.” Grayson looked back at you. “Yeah, no one ever does. But um here,” he handed you his phone “I'll text you when I get out of these shitty work clothes, I’ll pick you up and we can watch whatever you pick.” you smiled and handed him his phone back after giving him the digits he wanted. “I’ll see you later Grayson.” he waved and pushed Ethan to the passengers' seat. You laughed as Ethan groaned. “Fucking shit Grayson.” he laughed and drove off. You sat atop your car and finished your hot chocolate in the snow watching as it slowly fell and landed in your lap.

You stayed there another 5 minutes when you decided to go home and freshen up for your night with gray.

Grayson rushed inside and ran to his room. “So who was the hot chick?” Grayson scoffed. “Her names (Y/N) and I have a date with her tonight.” Ethan sighed, “damn looks like you beat me to it.” Grayson ignored the nagging of his older brother and jumped in the shower, wanting to quickly get ready and not take too long.

Meanwhile, you were currently brushing your hair while blasting tame impala, your phone right next to you for that one text you awaited. When it finally dinged with a text from gray asking for your address, your heart pounded.

“Coming!” Grayson fixed his jacket and looked up at the sight of you his heart thumped. “Well ms (Y/N) you ready?” you smiled and got into his car noticing two cups of hot chocolate ready for the both of you.

“So ready.”

[chrysolina]

Our chance

Ask - @glitterquadricorn Can I request something? I want one with chris evans and a baby. Maybe his wife telling him that they're finally pregnant after a couple of years of trying. Him with babies makes my heart flutter!

Gurll you and me both!! Here it is, I hope you like it 💕💗

Summary - after years of being unsuccessful in stating a family, maybe your chance to have one was over..or is it?

Pairing - Chris Evans x reader

Warnings - brief SMUT (18+), crying, floof

M A S T E R L I S T

The quiet lull of the passing cars echoed around the silent, sleepy private estate in Sudbury, every house in the exclusive estate dead silent with the promise of sleep for every individual - all but one house.

The grandest house in the estate - the Evans house - wasn’t lit up with the signs of life but within the house, nobody was sleeping. The sounds of grunts, heavy moaning and skin slapping against skin reverberated around the house, as muffled at it may be, it was still loud enough to hear.

The two of you had lost all sense of discreetness and mindfulness for poor Dodger after round two and were still going at it like animals. On what could’ve easily been round five or six even, you felt that tight bundle of nerves in the pit of your stomach unravel for the sixth time tonight and begged Chris with his release by slamming your ass into his thrusts and tightening your pussy around his incredible length.

To your pleasure, Chris thrust his hips into yours a final few times and gave you his release at the same time as yours, stuffing your already overfilled pussy with his cum again, begging it worked this time.

The two of you were indeed very eager to start a family of your own after seeing so many of your friends and family with their own bundles of joy. Both yours and Chris’ parents didn’t help either wondering if you were considering giving them more grandchildren and were always keen to praise yours and Chris’ natural parental ways whenever the time came up.

After a long talk on your honeymoon, you and Chris decided that after a year of work and finishing filming projects off, you’d start trying to conceive.

That was three years ago and you still had not one positive pregnancy test to this day.

You spoke about everything with your trusted GP, who only reassured you these things are temperamental and take time. She even checked your insides to see if everything was in order - and it was.

After another year of intermittent trying and no luck, you went to her that same morning, asking for anything you could take or do to help the process along. She understood your feelings of disappointment on a personal level and prescribed you a small packet of fertility pills that’d help boost your fertility - only for a maximum of seven to eight days.

As soon as you got out of the clinic and back in your car, you rang and told your husband about the pills - asking for his opinion on whether you should have them - he agreed profusely and suggested you take one straight away.

He didn’t warn you, however, of how well he‘d test the pill once he got home.

The pasta bake you made that night wasn’t touched; Chris didn’t bother eating that night instead he kissed you passionately, hauled you over his shoulder and ran upstairs to bedroom, a raging boner painfully straining his boxers. And that’s where you spent the rest of the night.

To take extra precautions, before allowing you to cuddle to sleep Chris ran to the drawer, pulled out his favourite butt-plug and shoved it snug in your pussy to almost guarantee conception. Believing he did a good job, he cleaned you up and joined you under the covers holding you close as the two do you fell into a warm slumber.

You woke the next morning with an incredibly well sculpted chest littered with little dark hairs in your face. Instead of the usual morning kiss, you chose to trace patterns all over Chris’ chest with your fingers, ghosting maticulously over certain areas like Chris’ tattoos.

A rough grunt resonated around your bedroom and quickly found your face smooshed into Chris’ chest, his large hands snaking around your shorter frame welcomely.

“G’morning handsome,” you sighed dreamily at your snoozing husband and popped you head up to look at the sleeping beauty himself. ‘Too dreamy to be real’ you thought to yourself. Chris only hummed in return and placed his hand suspiciously over your lower stomach, as if he was...cradling it.

“Chris, what are you doing?” You sighed with deep suspicion laced in your morning voice.

“M’nothin..just saying good morning to my two favourite people..” your breath caught in your throat and his touch on your stomach suddenly felt more sensitive and warm at the hint of conception, but you laughted it off as shock.

“Ha, ha..very funny Chris” you rolled your eyes at him, not knowing he was watching from one slightly open eye, smirking incredibly smugly at your faithless response. You may not had believed him but Chris was, if not 100% certain something had happened last night. He could just feel it.

The rest of that week consisted of relaxing, catching up with old friends and walking dodger around the local parks and trails. Since you rarely got to have this amount time off as an actress, you relished in the change of pace even if it was without Chris.

It wasn’t until one night after having a takeout curry you quickly began to feel unwell. Your stomach felt like it had been punched from the inside out several times and your curry and naan bread were gonna make a reappearance pretty promptly.

You bolted to the downstairs toilet and threw up the contents of your stomach quicker than you could comprehend, leaving a very confused Dodger alone on the couch.

The trips to the toilet became more and more frequent as the days went on and you couldn’t stand it much longer. Chris had been in Atlanta for a week doing final touches to a film out there and you were all alone heaving your stomach up.

You couldn’t bring your teary self to call Chris, you knew that he’d bolt straight home to be with his wife, you also knew how important his job was and instead of being the incredibly inconvenient wife of major actors you stayed calm and quiet. For his and your own sake.

The sickness lasted for another three days, to your great discomfort. To your shock, you also found that your favourite lace bra’s were becoming more snug and sensitive as the days went on, not to mention the bouts of fevers you’d been experiencing.

There was only one explanation left in your mind as you drove to the nearest 7/11 early one morning and picked up three different pregnancy tests, all varying in prices and specific jobs. You discreetly paid for the items and drove back to your loved home, quickly greeting dodger and hurried to open up all three, reading through each instruction manual carefully.

You were halfway through reading the sticks when you heard your phone go off, someone had text you. To your surprise, Chris had text telling you he’d be back by this evening and that he couldn’t wait to see you. ‘What a man’ you smiled to yourself and bolted back to the bathroom to pee on those sacred sticks.

What could’ve been the longest four minutes of your life, the timer on your phone went off and you ran to the bathroom to see what the sticks read, Dodger eagerly dashing behind you too. Closing your eyes, you grabbed the sticks messily and peaked at them with one eye open, the other eye flying open in shock.

‘Positive’

‘Positive’

‘2 weeks pregnant.’

Fuck, it was finally happening. You were pregnant.

The barrelling shock that you had a life, a baby inside of you knocked the wind out of you causing you to sit on the toilet seat shaking on shock. This was it, you were finally going to be a parent and Chris would be.. “CHRIS!” You yelped out and rose to your feet, stumbling through the bathroom back to the living room.

‘What do I tell him? How do I tell him? What time is he coming home?’ You were quick to text a response back to Chris, wishing him a good flight and asking what time he’d be home - to which he replied ‘5pm sharp, can’t wait to see you babygirl (; x’. You giggled knowingly at his tone and set about thinking of how you’ll break the news.

Ideas evaded your mind for a solid hour at least. You paced the whole length of the house twice and even took to sitting out in your backyard pool, your feet absentmindedly sifting through the cool turquoise waters for longer than you imagined. You were running out of options until an idea struck your mind - the perfect lightbulb moment.

You locked Dodger up in the house and dashed off to the nearest Toys-R-Us incognito-style and bought a white-cream baby-grow with the words ‘my daddy is the best in the world’ - it was cheesy, yes; but it got the message through. You paid for it and left quietly, returning home to wrap up the gift and make a nice homecoming meal for your beloved husband.

As by his word, Chris’ voice echoed from the front door at exactly five o’clock and you hurried down the stairs with his gift swaddled up in a beautiful white box and bow clutched tight to your chest, the slight rattling from inside made you squirm uncomfortably.

“God I missed you Y/N,” he sighed lovingly and yanked you into his arms, the gift placed gently on the hillside by yourself as you got embraced by Chris.

Before you could welcome him back, his lips found yours in a smouldering and sobering kiss and quickly brought you back to reality. “Mm honey, I got you a present..you might..” he chased your lips and met them again in a smiled kiss. “You might want to sit down to open,” you pulled yourself out of his grip and picked up the present, holding it out to Chris giddily.

“What is it, baby?” He looked you suspiciously, dropped his suitcase handle and bags and took the box off you. Tentatively he unwrapped the ribbon and opened the box up, only to find a pile of tissue in his face.

“Just open it Chris,” you whined with a grin and continued to watch him get to the bottom of the box and pull out he baby-grow. “What’s this?” He placed the box down with a rattle and unfolded the baby-grow. “my daddy is the best in the...world...” Chris stopped and looked to you with tears welling in his eyes. “You’re not..?”

You nodded to the box with as much of a tight-lip you could muster. He dug under another pile of tissue and tears began to roll down his face once he reached the bottom of the box. There they were, three positive pregnancy tests staring right at him.

A strangled cry of your name passed his lips and in an instant Chris was hugging you with all his might, sobbing softly into your hair.

The similar happy tears you’d concealed had finally come to pass and you found yourself crying into his soft t-shirt, your hands clinging on for dear life.

“You’re really..we-we’re gonna..” you beamed into his shirt.

“Yes Chris, we’re gonna be parents.” You squealed as he lifted you into his arms, your lefts immediately locking around his tiny waist. Hot wet lips immediately found your own in a searing exchange, an unknown promise tangled up in the kiss. “Thank you Y/N/N..” Chris sighed into your neck and sucked on the crook of your neck tenderly.

“No Chris.. thank you, for everything.”

[cloudsofcollection]

My Experience with Ayahuasca

The way these few weeks orchestrated itself to align my soul with my ayahuasca ceremony was very intentional. I’m grateful that I’m able to trust my intuition to guide me to good and I’m grateful that I have the strength to follow through. Discipline takes work. It’s not that it’s difficult.. It just takes genuine work and effort. The gifts that come from that discipline make it all worthwhile and can even have you question why it took you so long to get here in the first place. But everything is as it is supposed to be. The struggle. The lessons. The choices made. Everything.

For the most part, I felt very relaxed and ready. I had been preparing for as long as I could remember and I trusted that I could handle this experience. I originally wanted to go to Peru, the sacred land where the magic started. To be in the jungle with the plants and the medicine, I couldn’t even begin to imagine what that would be like. All year, I asked questions and researched how to get there. I accepted that it wasn’t time, but one day it will be. I had then crossed paths with someone who had done ayahuasca… here… in Winnipeg. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. If I can’t experience the jungle, what better way to do ayahuasca than to do it in my hometown, the city I was born in (rebirth is such a strong theme for me right now). A few months had passed. My heart was still yearning and this time the universe was taking the lead in our harmonious dance together. She guided me to this woman, Lori, who’s partner holds ceremonies in Winnipeg. Get this… she was the newest hire at my work. This allowed me to create a friendship with her, a bond that I could trust and feel safe with. It is incredible how magical this Life can be if we let it. There are so many loving and supporting energies that want you to be happy and want you to live the best Life. We’re all in this together.

Originally, the ceremony was supposed to take place a week ago, December 29. I was excited to end 2018 with a healing experience to help me recharge for the next year. I had felt ready and I anticipated it more and more with each day. The night before the ceremony, I received a message from Lori saying that the ceremony needed to be postponed for another week because her partner had caught the flu. At first, I was frustrated and upset. I allowed myself to feel those emotions and with each breath, I accepted the situation. I then realized that I have more time to cleanse, prepare, and rest. I said to myself, “I guess I have more work to do.” And I sure did. I spent my New Years alone. At 5pm on New Years eve, I packed a bag and booked a hotel room. I was going through an exhausting time because of the holidays and everything that comes with it. I felt drained in all areas and needed to refill my vessel. I had a very spiritual and intimate evening with myself. I was relearning how to love me again. As it hit midnight, I laid in a bath tub with my crystals. I aligned my chakras, did a breathing meditation to centre myself, and brought in the new year being reborn.

I woke up right before the sun started to rise. I stretched with the sun and enjoyed breakfast with my fellow crows. This will be my new ritual every year (maybe even every season). I am beyond grateful that I followed my intuition. I was broken before this. I felt like I “needed” to be with my family to celebrate or I “needed” to be out with friends partying. But deep, deep down.. that was all ego. When you can get out of your head, and into your heart, it can be so healing. This needed to happen for me because immediately after my beautiful experience, I was back in work mode. I had 4 days until the ceremony and I worked at my job all 4 days.

~ It was during this very moment that my heart had felt full. The sun was shining through me & I could feel absolute gratitude for all Life ~

Leading up to meeting the medicine, I chose to make some changes in my lifestyle (my guides also helped me with this as well). With about a week left, I took care of myself and my health. I chose carefully and intentionally what food, what feelings, and what information to process. I cut out caffeine and only drank water or herbal teas. I chose to ate mainly vegetarian dishes with the occasional fish or chicken. I ate ALOT of fruit. This alone took training and discipline. During this time, I was staying at my grandmother’s house and let me tell you… my grandmother’s cooking is my favourite cooking. She puts so much love into it, it’s always perfect. With that being said, it was really hard for me to watch my brother eat adobo, which is my absolute favourite, as I munched on a spinach and apple salad. Or how much I wanted to have a slice of Little Caesar’s pizza hours before my ceremony.

~ vanilla chia pudding with mashed bananas & blueberries ~ avocado toast with bruschetta ~ spinach salad with apples ~ quinoa with mixed veggies ~

Now that I’m on the other side, I’ve realized that those temptations and cravings are temporary. And temporary gratification is worth the lifelong gifts you can receive if you choose otherwise. My vessel was clear and pure for the medicine to be absorbed and for the healing energies to transform. I was ready. One step led to another and fast forward to January 5, at the peak of the new moon in Capricorn as well as a solar eclipse, I had journeyed with courageous and beautiful beings.

There were seven of us. The number seven is considered to be “the Seeker, the lifelong Searcher of Truth”. And that is exactly what we all came here to do, to seek our truths of our world. These people were all strangers to me, but I felt safe. I felt like we’ve walked this path with one another in a different Life. The ceremony was held in an art gallery in the heart of downtown Winnipeg. We had open space and it was perfect for the size of our group. I became comfortable in the corner close to our main guides. I laid out my crystals and stones that were also ready to walk this path with me. After brief introductions, smudging, and settling into the energy of the room, the ceremony began.

~ This was my time traveling space ship (hehe). My fucking awesome homies to the left: obsidian, selenite, amber, lapis lazuli, and a pine cone :) ~

Jeff, our ayahuasquero, blessed the medicine. I kept wanting to watch what he was doing because I was so intrigued. But that was my ego talking. My spirit was telling me to “centre in and stay grounded because it doesn’t matter what he looks like, what matters is where you are about to go”. I was the first one to receive the medicine. My female companion, Lori, came to me with a gentle smile and with a whisper, passed me a small wooden cup and said, “cheers”. With gratitude, I drank the ayahuasca very slowly, wanting to feel every bit of it move through my body. I closed inwards and gave thanks. As I sat still, I moved my awareness to my body, needing to stretch and move the energy through me. I repeated to myself, “I will heal. I will grow. I will let go. I will heal. I will grow. I will let go”. It was time for me to lay down. The lights turned off and it didn’t take long for me to feel the magic. At first, a red light dawned over me. I opened my eyes to see where it was coming from, but there was no red light anywhere. I only could see it with my eyes closed. This resonated with my root chakra and gave me the gift of grounding. My spirit was preparing me for my journey. I then saw a tiny eyeball blink at me and it scared me. I opened my eyes and took a deep breath. This was going to be some crazy shit.

I closed my eyes and then I saw a key hole. It was inviting me in and I trusted it and kept going. Mama Aya appeared. She carried this essence of an ancient wise grandmother. Her face was a carving on a large tree trunk. Her roots extended out to me, comforting me, telling me that she was here to help me. Jeff began to sing. The timing was perfect because the medicine had finally settled and I was somewhere else. The frequency of his voice was creating images and colours within my mind. Everything was very bright and electric. “This is a lot. This is intense,” I said to myself. Fear began to rise. I wanted to go home and be in my bed. I wanted to be in a familiar place. Everything I was experiencing was new and different and it was a lot for me to process. In my head, I was trying to figure out what to do next. I would try to enjoy the intense high I was feeling, but it felt like system overload. I called over to Lori to comfort me. I looked up at her, and she came to me as a bird. I told her I wanted it to stop because it was a lot. I felt her touch and she continued to comfort me. She looked down on me, and whispered, “it’s okay Mel. It’s the medicine. Everything will be okay.” It took me awhile to release resistance. I felt cold, I just wanted to be warm, I wanted water but couldn’t figure out how to grab it. There was a moment where I knew I was going to throw up, but couldn’t get up. I accepted that I was going to throw up on myself and call it a night. This was it. This was my experience. I whispered out loud, “I need help. Can someone pass me my water bottle? Where is my bucket?” But a voice came to me and said, “you can have whatever you want, but it’s you that needs to do it. No one else can do it for you.” So I sat up and opened my eyes. Thank God. I took a few deep breaths and observed my surroundings. The art gallery was no longer a gallery. But a blur of energy floating through the air. Every direction was a different realm. I came back to contact with my physical body. “Where is my wrist? Yes.. there it is. Grab the hair tie, Mel. Put your hair up. Drink some water. Where are my glasses? I got this. I got this. I have control. Shake it off. Try to throw up. It’s okay, just get it over with.” I couldn’t throw up even after hunching over my bucket with my finger in my mouth. I talked to myself, ALOT. (I mean, I talk to myself alot as it is so it makes sense that it was necessary for my experience. Lol) I laid back down and snuggled in my blanket. Intuitively, I went in the fetal position. Jeff and Lori were going back and forth in song. It was so beautiful. The song was coming from their heart and it helped carry me through my fear. Their song also moved the plant medicine within me. Everything was working together in every moment. I never felt so connected. I then felt like I was being packed into a cocoon. Spirit animals surrounded me in a circle to protect me. I could feel their physical touch pat me as if I was a baby. Waves of energy were pouring into me. My demons were nearby, but my spirit animals were warding them away. But I couldn’t have them do all the work themselves. It was my turn. I began to release resistance. I opened up from my cocoon and spread my body out. In that very moment, my heart opened and I was blessed with so much love. Ethereal beings showed me their world and it was so bright. It felt like they were each taking turns feeding me and nourishing me with love and light. They cleansed my body and had me in a bubble of unconditional love. I saw codes and symbols but I couldn’t understand it at the time. “What is happening? What does this mean? How do I integrate this information?" System fucking overload. My galactic family was showing me light language. Matter did not exist here. There was nothing physical to this experience. I had to touch my face and body just to make sure it was still there. I felt detached from my body. I felt like my mind was floating through consciousness and all it has to offer. Everything worked in frames and layers, pulsing back and forth. Now I wonder what would have happened if I stepped into each frame. Everything was detached, yet all connected. 

~ This is the best image I could use to describe the pulsating frames & layers. Holy fuck, I was inside bismuth ~

Then Mateo started to play his didgeridoo. I was in awe the whole time with what I was experiencing. I couldn’t help but say out loud, “this is so beautiful. How is this happening? How are you doing that?” There were moments when Lori and Jeff greeted me in my corner. They had me sit up as the blessed me and placed mama beads around my wrists. Jeff had blown tobacco smoke around me to cleanse my energy. They both worked so well together. Their intuition, guidance, and all-loving energy made the ceremony perfect. I was in admiration by what the medicine and sound can do together to any experience. It was very spiritual and deep and our energies were all working together collectively. There was a moment when I had felt that everyone was hovering over me. Watching me and protecting me. Their spirits came through and journeyed into my world for a moment. I couldn’t believe all the beauty and love I was witnessing within. I now finally understand how our universe is holographic because I was in the matrix. I traveled through space and time and I am so grateful that I was filled with the most loving energies.

Leading up to the ceremony, my angels were sending me messages of support. They do this by showing me angel numbers (one number repeating itself 3 times, for example: 222, 444, 555). On the day of the ceremony, I didn’t feel or see any messages. But I knew that was because I needed to do this one on my own and I needed to trust that they are always with me and sure enough, they were.

~ When trying to use words to describe my experience, I was blank at first. I came across this photo and this is very close. This is where my galactic family greeted me and showered me with love~

I was finally coming back to Life. The medicine was still within me, but my travels were coming to an end. I was coming back to my physical body and needed to reground. I felt a wave of excitement and happiness. Everyone was very pleased with their journey. We began to share stories and exchange wisdom with one another. It was hard for me to process everything at the time. My body was back on Earth, but my mind was still running around the universe. As I sat up, I enjoyed the aura of our space. Everyone was happy. Everyone was working through their blockages. People had break downs. People had break throughs. We supported each other and it was perfect. We sang songs and gave hugs. As we let light into the gallery, the reflection shined through the window. A beam of light stretched across the room and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. It was the most perfect way to close my ceremony. It’s so beautiful to see how the medicine works. It doesn’t work for you, it works with you. There is a relationship between the medicine and the human being. The medicine is there to show you what you are willing to see. The human being is there to receive the gifts and share it with the world. I learned a lot about my flight or fight tendencies. I initially craved for warmth and something familiar because the unknown scared me. But man oh man… the moment I let go and released resistance, the unknown was the most sacred and most wonderful world I could dream of. It was hard for me to fall asleep because my ego was coming back & I started to judge myself. I was telling myself I was acting obnoxious or I was talking too much, and as I was doing this to myself, I could feel my heart hurting. My rose quartz necklace even broke from tossing and turning so much. And rose quartz helps with the heart and unconditional love. So I placed my hand on my heart and told myself to be gentle. Focus on the good, because there was so much to be gained. I also now see my potential as a human being. There is this world that I can tap into to gain wisdom and to recharge my vessel. I woke up the following morning feeling awake inside and energized, but my body needed to rest. I needed a full day in my pajamas, my grandmother’s cooking, and the opportunity to share the love I gained. The best gift I gained from my experience is feeling secured. I feel secure in my body and in my skin. My eczema is healing. I’m letting my hair down. I’m comfortable with who I am and I have so much love to give. Now all I can do is spread my light and inspire others to ignite their own.

There is so much to our world outside our four walls. We are conditioned to live in fear, but once we move from that, we possess so much magic within. Our Creator gave us the tools to succeed, but we must come back to our natural selves. Love, light, and nature are our best healers. They are here for us and are wanting to shower us with many gifts. You don’t have to see it to believe. You first have to believe, then you will see.

I will work with plant medicine again, but in moderation. This experience was very intense and a lot for me to process. But I survived. I didn’t throw up, and I didn’t shit myself so that’s always a win. Haha!

Wherever you are, I am sending you so much love. I encourage you to challenge your beliefs and explore the corners of your mind, and push through your inner fears. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise.

Love and light to you and yours,

Mel

[amnachil]

The College Society Chapter 1 Part 3

Hi :) Here is the next part, sorry for the little delay !

Enjoy :3

Liam Saturday September 9 – Sunday September 10

Pasta's Place was a rather famous restaurant in town. Located near to his appartement, it was a nice and wide building, which probably could host more than one hundred of customers at one time. By the way, Liam didn't want to work here at first, but he needed money. The boss and owner, Shannon Liliano, was the sister of Mrs. Liliano, who owned a bakery in his highschool's town, and thanks to his mother acquaintance, he had been hired here. The boy arrived at Pasta's Place at 3pm, and introduced himself to the young girl who welcomed him.

"Well, nice to meet you Liam." she said. "I'm Judith Liliano, but you can call me Judy. I will present you to the team and then explain the work. You'll see, it's easy once you get used to it."

They started by meeting their coworkers, and then he helped to get the restaurant ready for 5pm, hour of opening. Judy explained him approximately everything. She was nice and kind, and Liam felt reassured by her attitude. Eventually, the first customer came in, and the process began. The young lad was doing the dishes on the washboard. It was exhausting, way more than he thought. C'mon Liam, you can do this. Think about the money. Moreover, it was also repetitive, and he felt quickly bored. (He wasn't used to work a long time on something... He was more the kind of boy to let his mind ramble). Fortunately, after four hours, Judy came to see how he was doing.

"I can imagine it's a little frustrating, but someone needs to do it." she told him. "I was at your place not that far ago."

"Don't worry, I can handle it." he assured.

(To be honest, he was tired, his hands were trembling and he had an headache, but she would take him for what, if he admitted this ?) (He didn't have a lot of pride, but at least enough to not confess  he was weaker than her). (Was it seriously that hard every night ? Because he wasn't sure to be really able to handle it).

"Liam, are you there ?"

The lad blinked, surprised. He stared at her, and frowned. Did she said something ?

"You literally were sleeping on your feet, were you ?" she asked while holding her laughs.

"May... Maybe... It's exhausting you know ? I don't know how you have handle this so far."

Realizing what he was saying, he blushed. Can I really be that clumsy ? Judy just laughed.

"You deserved a break big boy. Come with me."

She led him towards the kitchen to a little room, where worker were supposed to eat during their breaks. The girl told him to sat, and took two plates from a counter. She took a place in front of him, and smiled.

"You'll see why we're quite famous in town."

Liam looked his plate (obviously it was pasta) and the surrounding. In a corner, there were a TV switched on, but otherwise, they were alone.

"I'm not really hungry." he said.

His gurgling stomach belied his words, and he blushed. Judy stared at him with a smile, and ate a big mouthful of her own plate.

"Don't be shy. A big and strong man like you have to eat anyway. Besides, our pasta are really really good. You'll love it."

Did I already tell I have no willpower ? The young lad didn't want to eat. Food wasn't its friend anymore. (Yeah, food was like a living thing). But his belly and Judy were insisting. Liam took his fork, and started to eat. As promised, it was awesome. He didn't imagine pasta could have this taste. Without any restraint, he polished his plate in no time, and felt rather satisfied.

"As I told you." laughed Judy. "Do you want more ?"

"No."

Liam realised he answered too fast, and too agressively. I really don't want anything more but I don't have to be this rude.

"No thanks." he corrected himself. "It was nice, but I'm fine now."

As he said before, food wasn't its friend anymore. He remembered him too many bad memories. I have to put limits, that's all... C'mon, let's back to work.

The ringtone of his phone woke him up the next morning around 11am. Like an undead (or whatever, the point being he was dozy), he stood up and checked his phone. Mom, 38 calls. Okay... Slowly, he put his phone back and laid down onto his bed. Wait... Mom, 38 calls ?! He raised up suddenly, and realized what it meant. He was supposed to meet her this morning ! Without even taking the time to dress, he rushed towards the door and opened. Rachel Strucker was waiting there, drinking a coffee in a little procelain cup. Wearing an original flowery hat, a long red dress and high heel, she smiled cheerfully to her son.

"38 calls before you finally wake up, that's less than I expected."

"Hi mom."

She entered in the room, and put her purse shaped like a heart in a corner. Well, at least she didn't change that much since the last time I saw her... I bet she'll firstly say it's dusty, or I'm not her son.

"Are you eating well Liam ?"

Shup up. Not you mom, the voices who are laughing. (To err is human, after all). (He was still his son). Of course she would ask that. She had noticed month ago that he stopped to enjoy his food.

"Don't worry mom, I'm fine. By the way, how are ya doing ?"

Liam knew she went through a difficult period with the problems they had been facing recently. It was already impressive that she didn't fall into depression. After all, between him moving and his siblings leaving... (That was a part of the sad story Liam didn't want to tell).

"At least I'm alive." she answered quite ironically. "But we're not here to discuss about me. Did I said your appartement was dusty ?"

"Not yet, but I reckon you thought it loudly."

His mother nodded unthinkingly, and took a close look at him. She sighed with weariness, and threw up her hands.

"My lord, tell me what went wrong with this boy ?"

What ? He blinked, surprised. She was waiting something, but he didn't know what. Just think Liam... What did you do wrong ? Maybe she glimpsed the beer in the fridge ? Or the pizza, the burgers and the pasta. It would have been a problem, but she didn't open the fridge yet. Did she have a new haircut ?

"You're in underwear Liam." she eventually sighed. "And despite the fact I find you cute my little boy, I must remind you I'm your mother. Go get dressed please."

Rebecca Wednesday September 13

Since the induction seminar, things were going well for the young girl. After all, several members of the swimteam were nicer than she first thought, and she started to feel at ease with them. And for her delight, she now had two friend in her promotion. Well, more one friend and one fucking little smart Aleck. After all, she wouldn't really consider Nick as a friend. He was too immature, noisy and mischievous. Anyway, Rebecca finished her diner quickly, took her bag and went to the pool with a mix of excitation and fear. She had not make any swimming yet, and she was eager to show her team what she was capable of. She entered in the locker room, get dressed, and then went in the pool. She glimpsed Nick, sat on a bench playing at his gameboy, and Laura, selecting swimming caps for the next tournament. The other were all in the pool. I somtimes wonder why Nick joined this team... He had nothing of a sportsman. Well, he got a "normal" body, tall and slim, without neither muscle nor fat, just a flat stomach and chest. Theo appealed her attention when he shouted :

"Hey Rebbie, are you going to train a bit ? I want to see what you're able to do !"

"Coming captain."

She kindly went into the water, and once perfectly ready, she started to swim in crawl. Slowly at first, and then faster and faster. Quickly, she did a serie of lenght, tempting the others. Theo yelled :

"Faster Rebbie ! Faster !"

Maybe he didn't know that, but he used exactly the same sentence than Bob. The sentence she got used to when she needed to do her best. That was why she sped up. She could hear the clappings, the supports, but only Theo's words counted. Faster. When she eventually finished her series, they all were astounded. A bunch of students rushed her to congrat her performance. Rebecca smiled. Guys, I'm a national athlete, to surpass my limits is my job, you don't have to be so surprised. She felt proud of herself while listening to them, but she lost her smile for a second when she glanced at Nick. This asshole didn't move from his bench, at all. He didn't even raise his head. He was still playing. He could have at least watch me ! She wanted to tell him something, but a remark caught her interest.

"Black girl are always good for sports." was saying the sophomore called Matthew. "It's natural."

Rebecca turned towards him and frowned spitefully.

"What do you mean ? You think I'm doing this only because I'm black ?"

"It's playing, at least."

She clenched her fist and wanted to punch him in the balls without any hesitation, but Theo took part hastidly and placed himself between them.

"C'mon guys. She did well, it's the only thing which matter. Just go back to your training now."

They all obeyed, but Rebecca and this asshole of Matthew stared nastily at each other for a long time...

After the training, in the shower, the young girl was still pissed by this fucking motherfucker. He dared tell she was good because she was black ! Seriously ? He's jealous. A girl is better than him, he's just jealous. Laura, who was next to her, whispered :

"You know, this bar of soap did nothing wrong."

Rebecca blinked, surprised. (She was crushing the soap in her fist). Theo's girlfriend smiled softly.

"There will always be people to point out your difference when you're better or worst than them. It's safer to ignore them as much as possible."

"I know that." responded the black girl to Laura. "But I expected university to be different. In my highschool, a lot of girls and boys were laughing at me because I was tall and athletic. They said I was a boy without balls. I thought this was over now."

"Sorry to disappoint, but college isn't a paradise." confessed the small girl. "We may be older and freer, we're not perfect for all that. Racism still exist, as all the vice which affect humanity."

Rebecca nodded slowly. She knew that, even if she pretended the contrary. Matthew was just a stupid jackass, and sadly not the only one.

"Anyway, you're really good at swimming." continued Laura. "Theo was stunned by your performance. I think he would love to see you in tournament."

"I'm sorry, I already told you I can't. I have to focus on running."

Bob agreed for a sport, but not for competitive sport. He thought she could manage to practice swimming, but she had to keep her mind focused on running. Plus, her parents wanted her to study. And I can't count on Nick nor Liam to help me with lessons... The first one was certainly too geek to be a good student, and the second was... miles away.

"It's exactly what I told him." assured Laura. "But Theo is a bit stubborn when it comes to tournament, so don't be mad if he insist a bit."

"Don't worry. I didn't saw him train, by the way. Did he give up to be trainer ?"

She knew he was doing law studies, and was quite good at it. According to Pete, his father was a famous lawyer, and the son followed in his footsteps. However, Rebecca mainly saw him drunk or stoned.

"He's training during the afternoon, with me. It's quieter." revealed the small brunette girl. "And trust me, he's good. Anyway, will you come to the induction seminar of our sorority this weekend or have you a tournament ?"

"Well, I have a big training and a tournament." replied Rebecca. "Is that bad to miss this event ?"

"Not so much... As you probably guessed, we'll drink, make party and drink again... Plus, the fraternity Theta Omicron will be right next to us so... we'll certainly also have sex."

The black girl smiled, discomforted. She was not used to this kind of talk, because she didn't really have many female friends... (Honestly, she didn't have friends from highschool at all). Laura, who have finished her shower, got dressed and headed towards the door.

"See you soon Rebbie. Good night." she concluded.

Pete Friday September 15

One week after the beginning of the classes, the young lad started to understand why Friday wasn't a good day. His private law's professor gave them an essay, as the last week. And he hated this, because he had to make it during his sunday's evening in addition to his new job at Mcdo. It was a part-time job, in order to finance his studies. Pete went out of the amphiteater B, and glimpsed Theo, waiting for him leaning back against a wall. Jeezus... I shouldn't do this. Just... I should ran away. Despite his thoughts, he came closer, and smiled to the swimteam captain. This one was wearing a singlet and a bermuda short, showing his perfect body to whom wanted to see it. He had this dark handsome stranger style Pete loved. When they were close, the captain smiled.

"Hi little boy. Why are you blushing like this ?"

You know why... Damnit, this is bad. Since the induction weekend, they grew closer. Sexually closer. In highschool, Pete experienced several boys, despite not being popular, (there always are some boys curious, and he was glad to show them), but Theo was... at another level. But in the same time, the swimteam leader was dating Laura. I'm a lover, I'm not official... that's not good. Nevertheless, it was so enjoyable. And Theo was so hot.

"You're just... good-looking today." answered softly Pete. "Even more than yesterday."

"But less than tomorrow..." whispered his friend. "This induction seminar of the fraternity will be... joyous."

As he said "joyous", Theo slipped his hand under Pete's tee-shirt, and stroked his belly. My god. It feel so nice... Looking around, the young lad realized they were alone, all the students were gone to eat. He focused on his captain, and murmured :

"Are you seriously loving me being a bit fat ? I think it's kinda weird, you know ?"

Theo barely listen to him. While his right hand continued to rub Pete's stomach, he kissed him in the neck, and came closer. His hardenning penis struck against the freshman's short. I can't control this... He is too hot, too eager...

"You're not fat." whispered Theo. "You're perfect... This little pudge is perfect...Don't hold yourself back from doing sex, you know you want it... Relax yourself."

Pete hesistated a second. The time his lover put his hand down in his boxer. Then, he gave himself to Theo.

This night, Pete came back to his appartment quite late. He worked at Mcdo until 2am, and felt tired. And I have to wake up early in order to get ready for the induction seminar... Honestly, he was dying to go, and to have sex with Theo as much as possible. (He knew it was bad, but he couldn't restrain himself). However right now, he wanted to sleep. Gently, he went to the bathroom, and get naked. Pete took a moment to watch himself. His momma had told him he was ugly, back in the times, but with Theo, he didn't feel ugly. She was doing this only to provoke me. And she's crazy anyway. Blond, with blue eyes, he was 177 cm (5'10") and weighted 73 kg (160 pounds). Of course he wasn't fat. Not even chubby. He just have a bit of belly, which was the reason why Theo loved him. The swimteam captain was the first man he met loving bellies. It's weird but... I please him thanks to this... Pete was aware it wasn't thanks to his personality, because they didn't know each other for a long time. Theo just liked his body. And if I lose weight, he will stop... I don't want him to stop... For now, the freshman really needed Theo in his life. His mother had assured he would fail his first year, but with the junior by his side, he felt stronger. And on the romance side, she would be happy to know he found a boyfriend. Well, he's not really my boyfriend, but she doesn't need to know that. A knock at the door made him jump.

"What the fuck you want Mike ?" he asked.

His roommate, a footballer, answered through the wood :

"I need to pee, and you're in this fuckin' bathroom for at least ten minutes now. What are ya doing ?"

"Nothing important. Wait a second."

Pete wore his pajamas, and then opened the door. He smiled to Mike. This one was a tall (really tall) and beefy freshman. He looked strangely to the smaller boy, and then sighed.

"I said I wanted to pee. You will not stay here to watch me, right ?"

To be continued

Part 5 next week ! (I said that last time too :x)

[stopthespione]

The Second Cigarette

Yesterday, Monday, was a pretty fucking stressful day. I’ve been studying non-stop since the weekend and by 6pm all my brain cells were screaming at me to stop. I had a quiz at 7pm and I honestly wanted to study some more because I haven’t finished the coverage yet; I couldn’t. I was too mentally exhausted. That morning though, I visited the church, prayed, and lit two candles. I invoked St. Joseph of Cupertino to pray for my pitiful brain, and also called out to the Heavenly Father to guide the youth of my generation.

Please save us. Me, especially. I don’t want to flunk this subject. I’ve been doing my part. I need guidance and presence of mind. Please.

I no longer remember what I did or where I went afterwards because my mind was too preoccupied by all the cross and longitudinal sections of the nervous system. 

Time skip to 5pm, I was reminded by my stomach that I haven’t even eaten lunch yet, so I went to the staff garage and laid out my utensils. A couple of my colleagues were there as well, reviewing for our Histology quiz. 

“Corpora amylacea,” said my short-haired friend.

I looked at her, my mouth gaping and my eyes wide. “Ohmygod. What is that?” She showed me the structure and I internally panicked. I’ve been studying non-stop, but there I was with still a lot more studying to do. I wanted to fall on the floor and bury myself. I really need to work on my studying habits. 

When I was done with my long overdue lunch, I smoked my last cigarette and pondered if I should stay and study with them. I chose not to because I was feeling the pressure and I didn’t want to surround myself with bad juju. I packed my stuff and went to the Basic Sciences department, sitting beside a brown-haired girl on the hallway who also had her laptop on her lap. 

 I woke up my jet black HP Paviliion and opened all my socials. 

I should really study... I told myself. I should... I minimized Chrome and clicked on my reviewer. It was almost 6 and my neurons were degenerating one by one. 

“Okay. That’s it. I’m done. I can’t do this anymore.” The cursor went to the taskbar and clicked on the Messenger tab.

    Mom. Please get me some ice cream. I need ice cream. 

Time flew before I knew it, our quiz was done and everything went better than I expected. I could have gotten a perfect score if I’d studied some more, but it could have been worse. I was contented with my performance for that quiz.

....I think.

I couldn’t sleep immediately when I got home, despite being so mentally and physically exhausted. I decided to write on my thin black notebook of secrets and did some research on the Angels of God. I even read a bit of St. Thomas Aquinas’ Summa Theologica. Just because. I don’t know why, I just felt like doing some Bible and religious studying. I slept at a little past 3am. 

That was a bad decision; I had to wake up before 5:30am. 

I’m going zombie mode again. What the heck am I doing to myself? I thought after hearing my mom reprimanding me because we were going to be late again. 

When I got back to my room after taking a shower, I saw my lamentable white earphones in pieces on my bed. 

“Noooo! Delilah!” I scolded, turning to look at her. “Bad girl!” I don’t know how many earphones of mine she’s torn apart. I was used to it by then so I was going to let it go, but I seriously can’t live without earphones... It was going to be a tough Tuesday.

After my only class, I went to my new hangout spot which was an overrated coffee shop near the university gate to do some much needed studying. But after two and a half hours, I’ve already finished my tea latte and my phone was about to die. 

I was listening to no music, I had no umbrella on my person, I was homeless, and the second day of April had clear blue skies. The sun was shining down on everything carelessly. I didn’t know where to go, yet again. I could go to the library, but like I said, I had no music.

I decided to go to the little village beside campus to find shade and smoke some cigarettes. My pointy red sunglasses reflected the local lady’s nonchalant face, “Two blues, please,” I said. She handed me the cancer sticks and I went on to my smoking spot beside the egg waffles stand. 

“I am the homeless girl of San Francisco.” I told my new best friend-- my hand-phone.

As I was lighting the second cigarette, a bee approached to where I was sitting cross-legged and at first I was planning to ignore it, but it flew closer and closer. I ain’t getting bee stung. Nope, no sir. I went to the other side of the alley and that was the moment when my eyes accidentally drifted to the old coffee shop I no longer go to. 

Well, that’s just fucking dandy. I thought, and did a long inspiration. 

There he was, yet again, the man who was clothed in the blue dress shirt n days ago; he was wearing the same shade of skies, but now it’s a buttoned-up short sleeves. 

Fuck. 

I bought two more sticks because the second one lasted too shortly for my nerves to calm down. 

Fuck. I thought as I made my way to my spot, carrying all my baggage with me. I was shaking beyond my control. I don’t know. Maybe I was smoking too many cigarettes. 

I lit the third one. I wanted to consume a fourth one, but the paranoid skincare-crazy monster in me told me not to do it. 

Well, I guess the library it is, then.

It was too cold inside.

I need me some music. 

Fucking hell. 

[weakeninghope]

Kiss me (whispering words of love) chapter 2

Pairing: Ash Lynx/Eiji Okumura

Rating: Teen

AO3 link here

Summary: Eiji and Ash meet to talk about Eiji's pictures and end up talking about everything but Eiji's pictures.Or: their first "date-not-a-date"

Notes: "It'll be up this week" I said, replying a comment todayhahahello I'm back! your local authour is way too anxious and is in love with this project and wants to write as much as possible about it! I'm really excited about sharing it with you guys and I really want to thank you for your support in last chapter, I'm really glad you like this idea <3 and stay tuned, there next open mic night is next chapter! We'll have another round of Sing vs The Stool, make your bets.See you next chapter <3Song referenced is Light your heart up by Aimee Blackschleger! (or Mako's theme from Kill la Kill) I think it really suits Eiji

new chapter under the cut!

Despite having come home late that night -for a good reason though- Eiji woke up at 8AM. He had been taking a lot of naps frequently, going to sleep at 4AM and waking up at noon; but that time he woke up instantly, Ash being the first thing in his mind. That night, he dreamed about his song. He dreamed about the two of them, together, holding each other in a secret place only they knew about.

Get a grip on yourself, Eiji.

Has he texted me yet? Eiji thought as he grabbed his phone from the nightstand, since he was still in the bed.

He hadn't. The last message was from Eiji himself, a reply to Ash's “see you tomorrow at 5PM, Mr.Photographer, don't forget the camera ;)”. It took Eiji a few minutes to prepare himself to write an answer. He had imagined Ash winking and his mind had crashed like his old computer would do every time he wanted to use it. In the end, he settled for a “I sure won't, Mr Fancy Singer.”.

Seconds after hitting the “send” button Eiji had already felt embarrassed. Was that too bold? Ash hadn't answered what if he was angry or if that was a joke and he wasn't interested in meeting Eiji at all? What if-

Ibe's coughs broke the turmoil in Eiji's mind. He was still pretty sick and even though he slept well through the night, he woke up a few times, feeling congested and with a runny nose. Eiji didn't mind taking care of him but the other way around; he liked being useful to his boss and most importantly, his friend.

Ibe had helped him to cope with his feelings. Ibe brought him there.

It was thanks to Ibe that he was going to have a d- to meet with Ash that afternoon.

“Ei-chan, I see you're up.” Ibe-san said in between a few dry coughs. “How was yesterday night?”

“It was nice” Eiji said as he got out of bed, stretched his arms and then yawned a little. “But we can talk about it later, I'll change your towel for now and make breakfast, you just rest, okay?” Eiji gently told his boss as he approached him and replaced the old towel with a new, fresh one. The cool feeling of the towel would make Ibe-san's burning forehead feel better.

“I'd like to see the pictures you've taken.” Ibe-san said, gently smiling at Eiji. A snort escaped the Japanese's lips when he remembered Cain the pop-star, the shorty rivaling a stool, the glaring snake and...

Ash.

He blushed when he came to his mind. He looked at the time. 8:30 in the morning. Still no response.

“What's so funny?”

“Nothing, nothing. It was just a particularly special night. I'll tell you when you're better, now rest.”

After that, Ibe-san complied and didn't say anything else as Eiji went to the kitchen to start preparing some Japanase food they both loved for breakfast. He decided to stick with some natto, but he also cooked a porridge for Ibe-san to eat. He made extra natto for himself, he loved it way too much, and it was healthier than all the greasy American food they sold there.

The morning went by slowly for Eiji, since he was checking the phone every 5 minutes to see if Ash had replied, even if he had the sound on and would notice if someone talked to him anyway.

Until a few hours later, when Eiji was getting ready to cook lunch, he heard the phone.

It was a text from Ash.

Eiji's heart was beating fast in his chest, and it did even more when he read the text.

“Sorry, I crashed into the bed and I've just woken up. See you in a few hours.” it said. Eiji exhaled a sigh of relief. He wasn't angry after all, his anxiety disappeared with one simple text.

Eiji carefully typed his reply “At least you're up now, don't be late!! :D” Eiji wondered if the emoji was too stupid but he would come off as rude or too demanding without it, he just hoped for Ash not to think something weird-

“I certainly won't” was Ash's replying text.

Why was he so smooth even by text? How was Eiji supposed to compete with that?

Never mind. He had to make lunch, to eat, to dress up and to mentally prepare himself about meeting Ash. He felt like a middle-schooler thinking about their first crush.

Okay maybe when he met Ash and when he heard him the world stopped and his heart was beating fast and for a few seconds he couldn't even take a picture because he wanted this memory to be his and his alone and wanted to capture it with his eyes instead of using the camera and-

Okay, he totally had a crush on Ash, but that was okay, people have crushes, it doesn't have to be mutual.

But what if it was mutual?

Eiji combusted again, and time flied until he had to dress himself up for the meeting. He told Ibe-san he was off to show some pictures to one of the singers (which was half true, but he hoped that Ash said that as an excuse to meet him).then grabbed the camera and left the apartment, the cafe was around the corner so he was sure he wouldn't be late.

The Japanese dressed himself up as he usually did, nothing fancy, he didn't want a lit sign in his forehead saying “I'm trying to impress my crush”, but he dressed up pretty okay so he figured out nothing would happen if he didn't choose any special clothing.

He regretted his choices later when he saw Ash. When Eiji arrived, the blond was already there. Ash was sitting at the background of the establishment, and there were only 4 people, so they were pretty much alone. He was wearing a plaid, green shirt which was a little bit oversized, but you could see his lean, noticeable collarbones, a pair of slightly ripped jeans and red Converse-like shoes.

There he was, dressed up like a street kid and looking handsome as hell.

Ash made a sign with his hand as Eiji got closer to the table and then he said “Here, Eiji.” soothingly.

Wait. How did he even know his name?

“Hello, singer who apparently knows my name even though I didn't tell you.” Eiji replied.

“Shorter told me. We're friends, in fact, I sang yesterday because he was pretty insistent about my good singing voice.”

“Well, he is right” More than right

“So you liked my performance?” Ash asked in a sing-song tone. “You asked me that yesterday.” Eiji said, but he didn't mind answering Ash's question again because even if asked a million times, he would always say the same “I loved it.”

“That's good to know.” Ash said “But you didn't throw money in the hat” Ash finished in a fake retort.

Shoot! The hat! In those kind of events, there's always this “pass the hat” thing where you throw donations for the singers if you liked their performance, but Eiji was way too distracted and ended up forgetting about it...

“You're right, I'm so sorry! I was so distracted with taking the pictures that the idea didn't even cross my mind... I can make it up to you by treating you to what you want to drink or eat here, though.” Eiji apologized.

“Well, if you insist, Eiji.” Eiji gulped at how his name sounded in Ash's voice “I won't refuse your offer” He said.

“So what brought you here?” He continued.

“Well... I don't know if Shorter told you, but my boss is sick and I came here in his stead to take the job. Even though I didn't manage it as I thought I would. The kid battling a stool was... beyond my expectations” A muffled laughter accompanied Eiji's response.

“Oh, you mean Sing. It's the first time this place holds this kind of event but every time he comes here with his friends someone has to hold him from kicking the stools near the counter, I figured out this would happen.” Ash explained. God, his voice was amazing, it drew Eiji in, he couldn't stop listening, he couldn't stop staring at his deep, green eyes. He was thoroughly delighted.

“Like what you see?” Ash mockingly asked “Since you staring so much”

“Ah! Sorry, I spaced out hearing you talk... I really like your voice.” Oops. That slipped.

“You like it but you don't give a poor singer like me some money to pay for his expenses, so mean, Eiji...” Ash pouted.  Even though Eiji knew it was a joke, Ash's pout was something he wanted to take a picture of. And he had the camera in his bag. God, that was so tempting.

“I told you I forgot!” Eiji half shouted, jockingly.

“Right, right. I know. So why photography?”

Ash looked genuinely interested about Eiji's job and the reasons behind it and Eiji couldn't believe himself. The conversation paused when Shorter came to take note of their orders; Ash ordered a cappuccino and Eiji ordered a green tea. Before leaving, Shorter gave Ash a pat on the back and whispered something to Ash's ear, so Eiji couldn't hear it, and Ash clicked his tongue.

“What was it?” Eiji asked “Do you have to talk to him about something important?” He asked, in spite of Shorter being in the counter already.

“Nah, he was just being a dick. Now tell me.” Ash insisted, a glint of excitement in his beautiful green eyes.

“I used to be a pole-vaulter in Japan but I got injured and everything was over in a second, so my boss took me here with him months ago because he saw I was feeling down. In fact, I got diagnosed with clinical depression after my injury. Pole-vaulting was the only thing I liked, I devoted my life to it, it was the only thing I was useful at and when I was pole-vaulting I felt... like I was flying.” Eiji rambled. Crap! What if Ash got bored?

“I see. I envy you if you know how to fly.”

“I don't anymore. I envy you because you made me fly with your voice. You got rid of my broken wings and I think... I'm stronger now” Eiji gently said. He trusted what he was saying. He meant it. He really meant it and would say it a million times if Ash needed to hear it.

“This wings thing sounds like a song line”

“How did you know it? It isn't even popular. Yes, it's from a song called Light your heart up, it cheered me up a lot when I felt down.”

“You know what?” They paused for a second, Shorter came with their orders and since they were too hot to drink, they continued their little talk “I completely understand what you feel. But I never had wings in the first place. I was born in a cage. My mother left when I was born, my father neglected both myself and my older brother, so when he turned 18, I began living with him. He's a novelist, but he's not having much luck right now with finding an editor so he pretty much does odd jobs, we live in a crappy apartment and I thought I could earn so money if I followed Shorter's idea. I rarely do what Shorter's advises me to, since inside his bald head -I know it surprised you, but yes, he's bald, he shaved his head- there's a lot of ridiculous ideas. But this one was good” Ash explained as one of his hands slipped across the table to clasp Eiji's. “Since I met you.”

Since I met you. Since I met you.

Eiji was left agape, but he intertwined his fingers with Ash's, and at that moment, he decided he wanted to desperately know more about him, he decided that he wanted to listen to his voice without this sad shift in it when he was talking about his past. He had suffered enough already.

“It must have been tough.”

“It was. It is. But I can't do much about it.”

“Hey, can I ask you something?”

“Sure, go ahead”

“Is your real name Ash Lynx?”

“Oh, no. It's a nickname, I actually want to become a singer. I like music, I listen to almost every genre, I like the feeling it conveys and how it makes people feel.” Ash stated with a soft smile. His love for music could be perceived in what Eiji decided was a melody by itself.

“Before you ask me about it” Ash said “It's Aslan. Aslan Jade Callenreese.”

“It sounds like a meaningful name. I like it.”

“Aslan is for “day-break”, it means so in Hebrew, since I was born at dawn. Jade is for the color of my eyes. Nothing special” Ash deadpaned.

“It is more special than Eiji Okumura.” Eiji said, and he added something, feeling bold and rubbing his thumb over Ash- Aslan's hand “And it does you justice, since you're so bright.” However, Eiji couldn't contain the soft blush that appeared in his cheeks, so he turned his head to aside for the other boy not to notice.

“Oh” Aslan raised an eyebrow “Do I light your heart up?” He teasingly asked

“The important question here is if you want me to do so- of if I light yours up” Eiji let go. He didn't know if he wanted an answer. The possibility of a yes set his cheeks ablaze and his heart could be able to beat a mile a minute but the possibility of a no made him feel like something wasn't working; that his wings were, indeed, broken.

“Hey, I'm an amateur singer, not a lightning technician” Ash claimed with a laugh. Another soft sound Eiji would treasure forever.

“Now that you say so, I really worried about your sound technician yesterday, I thought the stool could have hit him”

“Yeah, we all thought so. Shorter too. He started calling him Bones since that moment; Shorter gives nicknames to everyone, you're probably the next in line.” Ash chided while throwing a menacing-not-menacing glare to Shorter, who didn't seem to notice.

“I see.”

“Eiji-”

Ash was interrupted by the loud ring of Eiji's phone. Carefully, he took it out of his bag and answered Ibe-san's phone call. Apparently they had ran out of meds and his fever had gotten a little bit worse and the cafe was already closing and-

Good lord for how many hours had they been talking? It seemed like 5 minutes! They had spent the whole afternoon talking and he discovered a lot of interesting facts about the boy; he was two years younger and was afraid of pumpkins -as ridiculous as it sounded- but that time 5 minutes-likeish was the best time of his last years even though he felt he didn't deserve such a talented angel because Eiji was mediocre and his photos weren't even cool-

“Ei-chan?” He heard Ibe-san weakly ask from the other line of the phone. He had spaced out again. It happened with a lot of frequency, he tended to get lost in his thoughts, intrusive thoughts mostly when something good was happening to him.

Snap out of it, Eiji. Blanca told you that the fact that you even make it out of bed every day is something to be proud of. There's always a path to keep walking on, and you're not alone this time.

“Yes, sorry. I'll be back in a second with what you asked me. Hang in there!” Eiji replied as he hung his phone in a rush.

When he was about to got up from the chair he noticed that he was still holding Aslan's hand and if he wanted to get up he had to let go.

Oh, he didn't want to lot go.

“Got to leave?” Aslan casually asked.

“Yeah. My boss's fever's gotten worse and I've got to go take care for him and Shorter's glaring at us like he wants to kick us out.”

“He's a jerk, don't mind it” Ash said as -unfortunately for Eiji- he let his hand go and got up.

“I'll walk you to the door”.

When they made it out of the cafe they were silent for a minute, neither nothing what to say or what to do. Everything had been so intense; Aslan really felt like Eiji had lit his heart up even if Eiji didn't know it, and Eiji felt so happy he could die.

Or maybe not, because he wanted to meet with Aslan again, so he talked to make up another excuse.

“In the end we spent all the time talking nonsense and I didn't show you the pictures I took of you. Want me to show them to you tomorrow?” Eiji shyly asked. Please say yes. Please say yes.

“Tomorrow is their day off” Aslan pointed at the cafe “But we can meet on Tuesday” He then told Eiji with a soft, gentle, warm smile, as warm as the sun in early autumn's day afternoon, even though they had spent the whole afternoon holed inside a cafe and it was pretty late at that moment.

“And we can keep texting” Eiji said. Ash eyed him curiously “That is, if you don't mind” Eiji said, lowering his head.

Suddenly, he felt Aslan's hand on his head, lifting it. Then his beautiful, soft hand, the ones which holded the mic with grace the night before, traveled around his face and ended up on his hand again.

“Your hand is warm, Eiji.” Aslan whispered. And okay, text me when you get home, so I know you got home safely” He said with a smirk even though he knew Eiji was, in fact, two years older than him and that he lived literally five minutes away from where they were standing.

“Fine, I will.”

And then he let Aslan's hand- he kept calling him Ash in his mind, but he hoped that he can start getting to know the person behind his singing, which was already amazing. He wondered if Aslan composed songs of his own, too.

After a quick walk, Eiji got home, and after a long hour of nursing Ibe-san and watching TV without any text message from Aslan, he received a message from him:

“We left a question unanswered. You light my heart up. Do I light yours?”

Eiji screamed.

Of fucking course the answer was the biggest yes in his entire life.