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kaimelia · 4 years ago

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could u do a part two of closure of christopher’s actual birthday like amelia that day and the kids idk

closure pt. 2

May 15.

The numbers on her lock screen seemed to burn an imprint into her eyes, unable to blink away the image of them even as she looked away. It was a day that she had dreaded, one she had felt guilty for dreading, and one that she knew would be difficult.

She glanced over at Link, sleeping soundly beside her, his features perfectly calm without the knowledge of the current time.

12:01 A.M.

Amelia took a deep breath, pulled the sheet off her legs, and kicked them to the side of the bed, steadying herself as she stood up. Her legs felt weaker than before, as if someone had dropped a weight on them while she had been sleeping.

She didn't intend on being up so early today; in fact, she'd went to bed early. The kids had settled sooner than expected (which she suspected had something to do with Link; he knew what today was and promised he'd make it as easy as possible for her), and she had gotten a few hours of uninterrupted sleep until her son woke up crying. She recognized it as his hungry cry, nudging Link's shoulder softly to let him know that she would handle it, and walked into the nursery to feed her son. By the time he'd settled back down and she returned to the bedroom, it was nearly midnight, and she couldn't seem to calm her mind back down.

Part of her was tempted to wake her boyfriend and ask him to just hold her, comforting her in the way he always did so perfectly, but she knew that she would start crying if she opened her mouth and tried to speak. And honestly, she didn't know if she would stop.

Her toes dug into the carpet of the bedroom as she padded across the floor, carefully opening the door to avoid the creaking that often woke them up in the night. She crept down the hall and into Meredith's unoccupied bedroom, tiptoeing into the attached bathroom.

Link was unlikely to find her in here, she thought as she eased herself down on the cool tile, her pajama shorts not providing any warmth of comfort.

She clutched her phone close to her chest and breathed heavily, focusing her eyes on counting the floor tiles, something to ground her and ease her mind of the importance of the day.

---------------

"Amelia?" His voice was quiet, yet Amelia cringed at the volume. She opened her eyes to find herself on the bathroom floor, her boyfriend standing in the doorway with concern spelled across his features. He looked at her like that a lot, she realized. Link watched as she sat up, returning to her sitting position from the wee hours of the morning. She glanced down at her phone.

8:37 A.M.

A third of the day wasted on something as minor as sleep. Something she could do any day yet had chosen to waste her time on today.

"I made you some tea," Link kneeled down to her level, holding a steaming mug of something that nearly made her want to puke. "You wanna go eat something? I made waffles for the kids." She shook her head, staring blankly ahead. "You wanna be left alone?" Her shoulders shrugged, and Link remained beside her for another minute before placing the mug on the sink counter, whispering a quick 'I love you' and exiting the bathroom.

---------------

Her phone buzzed on the tile, the vibration obnoxiously loud below her.

Addison.

She picked up the phone, staring at the letters that spelled out the name of her sister. Addison Montgomery.

Addison called every year on this day as she ate lunch; they'd made it some unofficial tradition to make sure to connect and check in with each other on this day, no matter what was going on.

She knew that answering the call would mean a conversation about her feelings, endless questions about Scout and Link, some prideful rant about how much progress Henry is making, and right now, Amelia didn't want it. She didn't want to converse about how smart and how grown up their kids were when her own son had never gotten the same chance.

Her face was blank as the phone rang in her hand until it ended automatically, a text coming through shortly after.

Call me when you can, okay?

She'd call, eventually. Probably.

---------------

Link tried to hide the shock on his face as Amelia padded down the stairs, but she could see his reaction.

2:13 P.M.

She felt that spending the entire day sitting on Meredith's bathroom floor was definitely a waste, even if getting up felt painful. The kitchen was quiet around Amelia as she headed towards the table, sitting down on the soft cushion tied to the wooden chair. "Can I get you anything?" Link placed his hand on her shoulder hesitantly, only relaxing it down as Amelia breathed out. "The kids are all in their rooms, reading or throwing barbies and Hotwheels at each other." He sank into the chair next to her, leaning forward to look at her. "Do you wanna be alone right now?"

"Just sit here, please." It was so quiet that she wasn't even sure if she was speaking until Link nodded softly, sitting against the wooden back of the chair, placing his hand over hers.

---------------

The layer of dust over the photobook made her feel even guiltier. She rarely touched these albums, maybe once a year if she was feeling up to it, but not always. They were tucked in a box in the corner of her closet, constantly covered by fallen clothes or whatever mess she'd not bothered to clean up.

After moving up to Seattle, she'd wanted to tuck all remnants of her previous life away, but Addison had convinced her over the phone to keep things. Which left her with a half dozen photo albums she didn't touch often enough to justify owning, but that provided some odd sort of comfort to her when she needed it.

She brushed as much of the dust off as she could before standing, tucking the book under her arm, and heading towards the nursery. Scout was asleep in his crib, his features perfectly relaxed and his limbs sprawled out on the small mattress. She reached for him, knowing it would ruin the sleep schedule they'd been trying to develop (but failing miserably), not quite caring at the moment.

She settled in the rocking chair, holding Scout against her body in a sitting position, the book in her other hand. There was a crinkling noise as she thumbed through the pages, the clear plastic protecting the photos making enough sound to disturb the sleeping baby in her arms. "Shh," she whispered, pressing her lips to the boy's head. "Just stay calm with Mommy for a little, okay?" He snuggled further against her, causing a tiny smile to appear on Amelia's face. "This is your brother, Scout." She pointed at the one photo she had of her first son, one Addison had taken before he was taken into the operating room, knowing her sister would want some physical memory of the boy. "This is your big brother, and today is his birthday. He's eight years old today." Amelia noticed Link standing in the doorway as she looked up.

"Sorry, I just came to check on him; I'll go." She frowned and held out her hand.

"Come here; I'll show you the picture." He walked over slowly, standing behind her with his hands on her shoulders, massaging the muscles she held tension in. "Addison took this the day he was born. I didn't want anything, at least I thought I didn't want anything to remind myself of him, but I wish I had more."

"He's beautiful," Link whispered, dropping a kiss on her forehead. Amelia sniffled, glancing between Scout and the photo of Christopher.

"I miss him, a lot. It's even harder now that Scout's here, because Scout will never meet his older brother."

"We'll tell him everything. If you're comfortable with that, of course. We can tell him all about how his big brother saved so many other babies, how his big brother was a superhero for his entire life." Her eyes glossed over, and she tilted her head to look up at him. "And now, he's a superhero who watches over us, making sure that we're all okay. We'll tell him how sometimes you're going to be sad about Christopher and miss him, and that doesn't mean that you don't love Scout any less." She bit the inside of her cheek, nodding slowly as tears began to roll down from her eyes.

"Okay," she whispered, looking at Scout, who had fallen back asleep in her arms.

"And Amelia, I want you to tell me what I can do to help. Because I can try to understand, but I'll never feel it like you do. So, whenever you need it, just tell me, and I'll do whatever I can."

---------------

Tears fell steadily down her face for the rest of the night, her body curled up in the familiar comfort of Link's embrace as he respected the silence of her mood.

She hadn't wanted to cry, but pushing those feelings down hadn't done anything to help her grief, so she allowed herself to find solace in her boyfriend's arms.

He ran his hand down her hair, wiping tears from her face and holding her tightly to him. She didn't think about the missed calls and worried texts from Addison or the fact that the clock had already ticked past midnight, meaning it was no longer the birthday of her late son.

"The grief hit me harder than I expected," she eventually spoke, pulling Link's arm around her tighter. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize, Amelia. As hard as it is to see you upset, I can't even imagine what you're going through, so please don't feel guilty for it." She nodded her head slightly. "Because, just like Christopher was a superhero for all of those other babies, you're a superhero for everyone here. And even superheroes need time to feel everything. Grief, happiness, upset, anger, everything." A shaky breath fell from her mouth.

"You're my superhero," she whispered, moving her head to gaze into his eyes.

"And you, mine."

#amelia shepherd #amelink #amelia x link #amelink fanfiction #atticus lincoln #grey's anatomy #amelink fanfic #greys abc #greys fanfic #scout lincoln #addison montgomery #my fics

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ehbunnehsblog · 4 years ago

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First off I just wanna say holy shiz! My last post did really good! So thank you guys for the support, liking, reblogging, following me and my content. I know it's just a basic nostalgia blog but it's really cool to know that some really like the stuff I post.

I always try to post stuff that is nostalgic to me but also stuff others might find nostalgic as well because this blog isn't just about me it's about you as well but anyways I saw this post a while back about what you searched up on YouTube as a kid and I thought hey why not do this myself! I thought it would be a neat little idea that would bring us together more and let you cool dudezzzzz get to know me so with all that said let's get to it! (Also I apologize if its absolutely cringe lol!)

1. Salad fingers

So pretty much everyone knows who and what salad fingers is we don't really have to get into it but idk how but I was just never scared of it. I remember as a child one of my friends was terrified of salad fingers yet I somehow was okay with it. I remember seeing a fake episode of it and it being a rickroll because that was sorta popular back than. I think salad fingers is pretty cool tbh its neat.

2. Wasabi Productions

This was a channel I frequented quite a bit. It had some really funny humor at the time I mean I was a kid so really anything was funny most of the time. The channel imo was just sorta random and the humor was pretty random. Humor in this era of YouTube was just something else lol.

3. Simply Spoons

Don't remember this one as much tbh but my friend at the time loved like absolutely LOVED One Direction and we would sometimes watch this channel and this person would do prank calls while trying to impersonate Harry Styles and etc. Because my friend at the time was super into 1D we checked out a lot of 1D content.

4. The Adventurous Adventures of One Direction

Another gem of 1D content was these videos. We watched them a lot everytime a new video came out we would check it out. I don't know if I have a lot to say about this channel except for that most of the content was 1D and cartoons. I think the person still posted some 1D videos so if you want to check it out I will leave links below.

5. SophieGTV

Okay imma get to it because I know what some of you guys are thinking yes I absolutely loved LPS Popular lol but actually just Sophie's stuff altogether I really liked also SHES CANADIAN LIKE ME! Not many youtubers I know are from Canada so that's really heccin cool but anyways I loved her channel as a kid if you were talking to lil me I would probably say shes my favorite YouTuber. Sophie doesn't post much anymore but I remember when EVERYONE wanted a face reveal but I hope she is doing well now. She posted one year ago but hasn't posted since.

6. LPS popular

Hunny you know it. You know it. *insert will Smith that's hot that's hot* I know i just posted that i loved this series but really though this was my YouTube childhood I was absolutely in love with this series. The tea! The tea! I can't I used to binge this series all the time I remember my old friend absolutely loved this channel. Dude I miss being a kid sometimes with a wild and wacky imagination if I were a kid again I would totally rebinge this series lol!

7. LPSHannah

This girls channel was also amazing I didn't watch her videos a lot but I definitely liked a good handful of em. Her channel was just really cool and she did a face reveal! I don't know when but its definitely surprising! She sadly stopped making videos though (just checked big sad) do to coppa but I hope what she is doing is making her really happy and all the best to her. You can now find her posting on Hannah's Haven.

8. NamanthaSuxx

I wanna say she is also Canadian but honestly I have zero clue. I used to watch her channel sometimes when she would post videos about Monster High because at the time I was into those dolls which idk for sure but I think might be coming back? Anyways i wasnt as into the channel as my friend who introduced me to Namantha's channel.

9. Jpopluvr1000

Okay idk if this persons channel was always named this but I remember looking at their channel because they made a lot of Bratz themed videos and well me I am a Bratz fan and I remember this person got I think all or almost every 10th anniversary Bratz doll and making a video on it. I was really into Bratz maybe even more than Monster High tbh like those dolls were made the year I was born. Getting real for a moment but it is crazy knowing that they will be having their 20th anniversary and I am really hyped for the new dolls like honestly I love the screening and it might even be better than the last dolls lol but anyways I loved this persons channel it was great.

10. Webkinz, LPS, Bratz and monster high pool party videos

This one is just one big group because all were under the same thing. I really liked and still like swimming and so that's probably why I liked these videos as a kid there are some I watched but can't remember the name of at the moment and YouTube doesn't let you make it so you can find old videos easily especially if you can't remember them. I did remember I watched StarryStarr33 and I think strawberry516 but I don't know about strawberry for sure.

11. Smosh

The duo Ian and Anthony were sorta like a must watch on YouTube back in the day. They were just really big and it was difficult to ignore how popular they were on the site for a while. I loved their Honey Boo Boo video and I also remember watching Ian and Anthony open things on another channel. The humor was also very YouTubery it probably wouldn't be good in professional stuff but for teens and kids at the time most of us thought it was pretty funny.

12. Bratz collection

Just like jpopluvr1000 I just really liked Bratz dolls and collections of them.

13. LPS music videos

Didn't matter what it was I loved LPS as a kid so I was willing to watch anything with them.

14. KyleMonkey

My sister showed me this weird dude who made a video with him just eating chapstick and another of him farting, spitting out grapes and just being crazy and yeah honestly idk what to say about this dude lol

15. Key of Awesome

Didn't check them out a whole lot tbh but I enjoyed some of their parodies

16. Fred

Everyone acts like the didn't watch him but you know some of them have. I liked watching his videos as a kid I remember when one of them was rated for older people for no reason. Also is it just me or did anyone else like his songs?

17. The Annoying Orange

Same deal just orange and an orange. These videos were cool I remember when Fred and him had that lil vs battle thingy you kinda just had to be there to understand the hype about the annoying orange. The humor has died out but it was a nice thing while it lasted unless you got easily annoyed.

18. Wafflepwn and the greatest freakout ever

I remember watching these videos with my friend at the time we just thought it was the most hilarious thing honestly the first video where the dude stick a remote up his butt still makes me chuckle somehow but I remember my dad being very upset when he saw I watched these videos and also having a difficult time coming to the fact that SPOILER ALERT!

It was fake all along. If people didn't know that you know these videos would be extremely problematic.

Conclusion: YouTube still felt so new and different at this time and things were growing although a lot of the humor would not fly for understandable reasons I feel like it was charming and I was very lucky I got to be on YouTube. I was very young so a lot of the channels I watched were more kiddy and childish but it felt sweet and nice. A lot of these channels were so cool and sometimes I would stay up late and watch them. With all that said I will probably make a second one of these. I was very unsure whether or not I wanted to post this because a part of me thought it would be cool but another felt like it would be cringy and wanna know what? It's both lol that's my entire conclusion this post was cool, fun and very very cringy but hey why not make another again sometimes? It will be cool to look back on and maybe if I forget something I can just come back here and remember it! Do you have anything you searched a lot as a kid? Comment below!

☆With all that said if you like what you see please give me a follow and a like I make many more posts like this☆

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princesspiratecat · 3 years ago

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The Rise and Fall of the Shepard Family Part 22: Spring, 1083

(This is a long one, but hopefully worth the read!)

Part 1& Part 2

Part 3 & Part 4

Part 5 & Part 6 & Part 7

Part 8 & Part 9 & Part 10

Part 11 & Part 12 & Part 13

Part 14 & Part 15 & Part 16

Part 17 & Part 18 & Part 19

Part 20 & Part 21

Never before had Gwendolyn felt so happy as she did when her sister had arrived to visit her at her little hovel. She hadn’t been able to stop the tears from flowing, and soon both of them were wiping them away.

After the servant had left, Gwyn had demanded to know everything, but Gwendolyn didn’t know where to begin. There was so much to tell, and all of it pained her to speak of.

“Is this really where you are now residing? This little hovel?” Gwyn turned a discerning eye towards the house as they walked nearer to it, and Gwendolyn felt herself blush with shame. She had tried to keep it neat and tidy, but there wasn’t much she could do without a proper set of tools. The hovel was just too poorly constructed for even the most basic of shelters. It felt like a blessing when the weather had finally turned and she no longer had to worry about rain falling on her bed. She could only hope it would not snow or rain again.

“I’m afraid so. The day of my birthday Marcelle hastily had my bags packed and drove me here in a covered wagon. He told me this would be my new home after we arrived. I should have suspected something that morning based on his behavior.....but I fear, I blindly trusted him.”

“Do not blame yourself. How could you have known what he was going to do? This has taken us all by surprise. When I found out you had been sent away, I could hardly believe it. It is Marcelle that must take the blame, not you.” As they reached the front room, Gwendolyn stoked the fire and began to prepare a meal, as the sun would be setting soon and she imagined her sister must be hungry. She immediately noticed how much food there was in the basket, and it was of better quality than what she normally was given.

“What do you mean, us? How did you come to find out that I was here in the first place?” They sat down to a nice hot bowl of soup Gwendolyn had made from a fat hare she had caught yesterday.

“I didn’t. Francine wrote about a month ago, and the letter had been given to me by Oswin.”

“Oswin? You mean, Oswald’s younger brother?”

“The very same, yes. I had thought it strange that she hadn’t invited me to visit her for such a long time, but in the letter she explained that she had suddenly been forbidden to see me by Marcelle, yet didn’t say why. In her next letter, she told me that the engagement had been broken off, and you had been sent away, but that she didn’t know where you had gone. When I confronted Aélfgiva about seeing you, she said she would talk to Marcelle. Not long afterwards, he wrote to say that a servant would fetch me in the morning to take me to you, and here I am.”

The humiliation that Gwendolyn had endured upon being sent off was awful in and of itself, but the idea that her entire family was now somehow tainted, and not good enough to associate with any of the Allards, hurt her even more. “ I had not thought that my exile had been extended to my entire family. This is worse than I had imagined.”

“What exactly did he say to you? How did he justify his actions!? How could he bring you to this shithole, in the middle of a forest?!”

Slowly, Gwendolyn revealed all that her sister did not yet know. She tried not to dwell on the parts of the story that were especially painful, and rushed through his unkind words when he had dragged their family down to the mud, implying that they were nothing. She found it was nearly impossible for her to say the exact words he had said about their father, because the loss of him was still fresh pain for both of them. But somehow she got through it all, and then shared how she now viewed everything.

“This hovel....this dung heap of a house, is his feeling about me, about us- made manifest and clear. But it’s worse than our house was. It’s worse than anything I’ve ever had to endure. And I was left alone to fend for myself when the snow storm came. I had to find food for myself, otherwise I would have starved.”

There was such anger on her sister’s face at hearing those words. “What about your dowry?! We had so many excellent animals. Surely it was worth more than this!”

“Oh Gwyn.....don’t you see? This is my dowry. This hovel is now all that I have....” Putting her troubles into words made them all the more real and soon Gwendolyn could not stop the sobs from violently shaking her body again. She got up and leaned her head against the counter, as the tears just kept on coming.

Gwyn said nothing, but silently cried as well.

“I’ve been clinging to the idea of Frances for months now. And I cannot understand why he hasn’t come to see me, even if it’s just to say goodbye. Am I really so terrible that I do not deserve such simple consideration? How can I be his future bride one day, and the next not even fit to say a single word to him? I cannot make sense of it......” she was sobbing so hard now that she could not continue.

“Oh, please don’t upset yourself further. I do not believe Frances has any idea where you are��, said Gwyn. That got her attention and her head snapped up.

“What!?”

“I do not believe any of them know. Marcelle must have kept it a secret from all of them, because if one of them knew, they would all find out. Frédérique would never keep a secret like that from her brother, nor would Francine. The letter that she sent made it clear. He could not write to you, so she wrote to me. And that is why Marcelle forbade any of them from speaking to any of us.”

“I had not considered that. But....you must be right.”

“Perhaps that is also why Marcelle sent me a map and allowed me to see you. He still thinks that his children will blindly obey him. Indeed, he must feel very comfortable with that idea, which is why he didn’t think it necessary to keep you and I apart any longer. If his children don’t speak to us, he has no reason to continue punishing you.”

“Yes. He may also not want to be seen as the type of man who punishes two young girls who have done nothing wrong. I noticed how he sent a lot more food, of higher quality this time around. He even sent linens. He has never done that before. He wants to appear the good benefactor still- at least to you and Aélfgiva.”

After a long silence Gwendolyn gained some composure of herself and sat down by the fire again, staring into the orange flickering flames. It gave her some relief to know that Frances didn’t know where she was, and perhaps hadn’t given into his father so easily. Everything her sister had said made perfect sense.

“I like to think that Marcelle has some heart left. I like to think that he still cares about us. Only his pride got in the way", said Gywn. Her sentiments may have been true, but Gwendolyn no longer wished to think about him. It was now time to turn their minds to the task of getting her out, and how they would accomplish that.

“I must speak with Frances. I must. I have had so long to ponder the situation, if I don’t get any answers, I fear I will lose my mind and go mad.”

"Of course you shall. And I will assist you in any way that I can.”

The next morning they poured over the map and calculated that Gwendolyn had been taken over twenty miles from the Allard estate to the hovel, which was in the middle of two very small villages that neither had heard of. Having no money and few resources, the main obstacle in her leaving would be where she would go. She could not stay at the orphanage, and of course going back to the estate was impossible.

“If only you had parted on better terms with Oswald, then perhaps we could ask his family”, Gwyn said.

“What better way could there have been? Oswald did not want to break off the engagement for any reason. I tried to spare his feelings as best as I could, but given that I hadn’t seen him for so long....it was difficult. I realized that day that he had changed beyond recognition to me, and I no longer knew him.”

“You have been engaged most of your life to someone, and yet still remain unmarried. Do you not ever wish you had married Oswald instead? At least you would not be alone now.”

Gwendolyn’s features clouded into sadness, as she had realized the same thing her sister spoke of from the very beginning of her troubles. Her life seemed to consist of always waiting, always hoping, always dreaming of having a family of her own and finding that she belonged somewhere, and she resented it.

“Maybe, but would I have been happy? What Frances and I had was real, and what Oswald and I had was a youthful fancy. I know that now that I am older. I can never go back.”

When they tallied up their resources, it was decided that Gwyn would return home when the servant came to fetch her, as was planned. She would then combine the meager allowance she and Edith were given at the orphanage, and income from the pelts of the animals Gwendolyn had caught, and try to procure a horse. Then she would ride back and come and fetch her sister, then they would ride to Grimsby. She would speak with Frances at any cost and Gwyn agreed that it was imperative that she do so- even if it meant further punishment from Marcelle.

The next morning was a cold one, and snow began again to fall upon the ground, but only lightly. Despite the foul weather she knew she would have to shelter herself from, she felt better than she had in months.

“You have Mama’s strength, and you will get through this. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

She tenderly embraced her sister goodbye, and watched the wagon grow smaller and smaller as it slowly disappeared down the road, which was beginning to freeze. She sat down upon a log and got lost in her thoughts, contemplating how happy the visit had made her. It had brought her comfort, relief from her loneliness, and hope all at once. She was lucky that she still had some family left, even if they were orphans now. I’m not alone. I have the love of my sisters.

She turned to head into the house, but then heard a horse in the distance and stopped to listen. It was the sound of a single horse, and she wondered if something had gone wrong with the wagon. Was her sister in trouble? The sound grew closer and closer, and she headed back down the path to the road, shivering slightly in the cold. But it was not the servant or her sister on this horse. It was Frances.

#sims 2 stories #sims 2 challenges #new foundations

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cross-d-a · 4 years ago

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Pass the happy!💖 When you get this, reply with 5 things that make you happy and send this to the last 10 people in your notifications!

(I have decided that Discord notifs count because I love you dearly and wanna hear what makes you happy)

HELLO!!!! I love you and I kinda really needed this and I think you know that so thank you!!!!! I love and appreciate you SO MUCH!!

Also I've literally been thinking about this post for two hours and so I'm not gonna stick to just five- I'm gonna list MORE than that because I wanna remind myself that there are many wonderful things in the world to be happy about and also PICS!! I'm adding PICS bc I CAN!!!!!!!!!

under the cut bc it gets LONG! :)

1) YOU make me happy, Sierra!!!!!!! Also @s1utspeare and @vishcount and of course my bff @haru-tl !!! You guys are so fucking incredible and talented and AMAZING!!!! I love you all SO MUCH!!! You always make my day!!! And all the dmbj peeps!!! I am so lucky to know so many wonderful people!!!!

2) as long as we're on the subject of people- I absolutely can't leave out my coworkers!!! Literally some of the best people I've ever met in my life. I have so much fun with them. I can always count on them making me laugh.

Like today, we were talking about this reptile house a few towns away and my manager was telling us about their cool anaconda exhibit where you can crawl under the glass tank and watch them eat and she mentioned their teeth being scary. So I googled Anaconda Teeth and went WOAH THEY'RE COOL and our Resident Snake Expert came over and went actually that pic is from the movie Anaconda. And then he helped me find Real Pics and the teeth were even COOLER. I left the Google search up on the work computer and a couple hours when I was on lunch I heard Mike exclaim: "I had NO idea that ANACONDAS had TEETH!!!!!!" Which?? MIKE?? WHAT??? Hahaha everyone burst into laughter :)

3) my cat BOOTS makes me happy!! He's always asking for belly scritches and he drools when he's happy. Here's a pic bc I adore him:

4) my new baby boy So Mun from The Uncanny Counter makes me VERY happy!!!!! He's just- the Sweetest Boy to have ever Baby'd!!! I adore his little crinkly-eyed smile and curly hair!!! He's just so GOOD it makes me cry!! Also!! Disabled rep!!!!! LOVE HIM!!!!! Look at his lil' FACE:

and bc he is Unfortunately Very Hot in his mourning outfit:

adding this too bc LOOK AT THAT ADORABLE SMILE I wanna SCREAM

5) my Pangzi necklace makes me happy!!! I have an Iron Triangle matching set, but the Pangzi one I first put on bc of Brigid's Pangzi chapter for Swiftly Tilting and then I kinda just- never took it off haha. It's just so pretty and makes me feel like I've got a bit of Pangzi with me at all times. I love that man SO much and if I can be even a fraction of how wonderful he is, then I can die happy

6) the smell of the sea makes me happy!!! It makes me feel refreshed and relaxed! I live by Puget Sound and on very lucky days I can smell it at my house! Tonight was a lucky night! I came home and it smelled like the seashore, so I kept my window open as I folded laundry :)

7) my new collection of Kpop CDs makes me happy!! It's entirely bc of Vish's influence and I LOVE her for it!!! The packaging is just so pretty and I always love being able to hold things that give me Good Feelings in my hands :)

8) since we're on the subject of COLLECTIONS, I love to collect things!! And one collection of things that makes me happy are my books!! I have- too many. Working in a bookstore makes it too easy to buy them! But seeing the bright spines on my shelves gives me delight. I particularly really like my queer manga collection!! I've got four whole shelves of it! :) I'd offer a pic but I'm too tired to go upstairs, haha but I love the art and the representation 🌈

9) I ALSO really love all the figures I collect! Seeing characters that I love on a daily basis makes me happy. I usually decorate my bookshelves with them. One set that makes me particularly happy are my Pingxie ones. They look like they're getting married and it delights me:

10) another purchase that is entirely bc of Vish (I ADORE you!!) is my Chimmy blanket!! He's just so adorable and bright and coming home every day to see him waiting on my bed makes me very happy

11) yet another bright yellow thing that makes me happy is my dmbj Xiao Ge coaster!! It's so sparkly and fun AND it's a friendship coaster I share with Sierra!! We've got a matching set, babe!! I love you!! Let's just shake them around and be distracted by the sparkles forever!!

12) coming back to work from my weekend to find a bunch of manga to shelve always makes me very happy!!! Buying/pricing/shelving manga is my favourite thing to do at work! I love seeing familiar and new titles!

And it's interesting to see how prices can change if it goes out of print! Sometimes every single book in a series but ONE is the same price. Like last month we had a series where like/ volume 8 was worth $250 vs the regular $7.99 for the rest of them. And someone BOUGHT IT!! Things like that can happen randomly. It can be bc it was a smaller printing for that particular volume. OR something special happens in it (new character appearance/fan favourite story arc/BOOBS), so more ppl want to keep it which means it's harder to come by (and then sellers raise their prices BC it's difficult to come by). You usually see the collectible value go up for out of print BL or older series like Aria or Lupin III. Not everything that's out of print is collectible, but it's always interesting when it is :)

13) DAY6's The Book of Us: Gravity has graciously given me a big serotonin boost the last couple days!! It's just- I dunno! Uplifting! Catchy! Full of energy! :)

14) similarly, I've been listening to Close Your Eyes by Isaac Hong almost exclusively for like- five days now! It's from The Uncanny Counter and it makes me very happy! It's very emotional and just reminds me of my baby boy So Mun :)

15) sunshine makes me happy!! I'm at that point in the year where I don't want rain anymore, just sun! So it's always nice having my windows open at home with the sun shining through. Or the back doors at work propped open while we go about our day. It's almost impossible to feel sad when you get to bask in the warmth of the sun and smell the nice fresh air

16) finding weird random books at work makes me happy! It's so fun seeing the kinds of things people read! And sometimes you find cool ephemera in the things people sell to us that they don't want back. Like- look at this pic from an older fortune-telling birthday book I found. She is 1000% Drowning Him and I love that for her :)

17) reading manga makes me happy. There are just so many wonderful and ridiculous series out there. There really is nothing "too weird to publish" in the manga world. I was reminded of this the other day when I discovered a series about a girl who timetravels and finds out that her soulmate is a Neanderthal. You can literally find a series about ANYTHING in the manga world and I love that about it. There's no limit to the imagination and there's something for everyone :)

18) when I'm in the mood, writing and drawing make me happy. There's just something about creating that really just- fills the soul :)

19) making playlists makes me happy!! I love having playlists for characters and relationships and fics and even specific fic chapters or moods or going to sleep! (And rec playlists! Like Vish's :) ) It's just- so satisfying having the Perfect Playlist on hand! Plus it's fun actually making them- like figuring out the mood/lyrics and what they fit into :) I listen to music almost constantly, so this is essential! :)

So thank you Sierra!! It was nice to remind myself about a lot of different things that bring joy to my life!! I love and adore you SO MUCH 💖💖💖

#cross talks #ask #ask game #kinda?????????#good stuff

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flowerslut · 5 years ago

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TWILIGHT

an updated, slightly more modern take on the original soundtrack.

note: I’ve been casually working on this playlist series for most of the year, analyzing thousands of songs, and then sorting through hundreds after that. I mainly focused on finding modern, beat-for-beat replacements of each song, with exceptions here and there. This has been tons of fun and I hope you enjoy! (I’ll be posting New Moon’s playlist later this week.)

(NEW MOON) (ECLIPSE) (BREAKING DAWN)

spotify link

[track list and commentary under the cut:]

Supermassive Black Hole — Muse ➼ ➼ ➼ Machine — Imagine Dragons

Machine was the only song I even considered for this. There aren’t many songs that you can hear and think “vampire baseball”, but I think Machine is one of them. And let’s be real, if Imagine Dragons had been putting out music between 2008-12, they would’ve absolutely ended up on one of these soundtracks.

Decode — Paramore ➼ ➼ ➼ Out of My Head — Digital Daggers

Decode was easily the most difficult song to duplicate on this soundtrack, and probably on all five of them put together. I’m still not 100% content with this choice, but it was still the best contender. (It was between Out of My Head and seven other songs.) Decode is an impossible song to duplicate, but Digital Daggers has the high energy rock-like, ‘fuck with me’ attitude to their music that late aughties Paramore encapsulated.

Full Moon — The Black Ghosts ➼ ➼ ➼ Free at Dawn — Small Black

This replacement speaks for itself once you give it a listen. Just visualize panning over those foggy mountains as you listen to Free at Dawn. Go ahead. It just works.

Leave Out All The Rest — Linkin Park ➼ ➼ ➼ One More Light — Linkin Park

Okay, listen. Even if I had wanted to I would’ve never been able to replace with Linkin Park with anything other than Linkin Park. Call me a sentimental fool, but I’m still sore over Chester’s passing. I don’t care if it’s too sad of a song. I don’t care if, lyrically, it doesn’t really work. This was my #selfishchoice of the soundtrack. Linkin Park stays.

Spotlight — Mutemath ➼ ➼ ➼ The Deadroads — The Rural Alberta Advantage

Fun upbeat poppy guitar strumming? Sign us the fuck up. Another song that just works.

Go All the Way (Into the Twilight) — Perry Farrell ➼ ➼ ➼ Bright Whites — Kishi Bashi

No offense, Perry Farrell, but I never liked Go All the Way. It was always the main one on the soundtrack that I skipped when I was younger. Now, Bright Whites? Try putting that as your soundtrack’s orchestral banger, and now we’re talking.

Tremble For My Beloved — Collective Soul ➼ ➼ ➼ Song For Zula — Phosphorescent

Both songs here have a great otherworldly love song feeling to them. This was another fairly easy choice. Song For Zula is a little more upbeat and happy sounding than Tremble For My Beloved, but eh. It’s fine.

I Caught Myself — Paramore ➼ ➼ ➼ Mind over Matter (Acoustic) — PVRIS

Replacing Paramore was hard, and having to do it twice seemed like some sick joke I was playing on myself. But not many artists out there can replicate or even match the power of Hayley William’s vocals. Well, I’ve apparently been sleeping on PVRIS, because those vocals? Top tier, y’all. Once I heard Mind over Matter, it was clear it was the winner.

Eyes on Fire — Blue Foundation ➼ ➼ ➼ Unfair — The Neighbourhood

Eyes on Fire is another song nearly impossible to duplicate. I stuck with a moody The Neighbourhood instrumental to keep things dramatic without messing up the mood of that tense scene.

Never Think — Robert Pattinson ➼ ➼ ➼ I Take All the Blame — Vivek Shraya

Don’t worry. I have another Robert song on a later soundtrack replication. (I won’t tell which one.) This Tegan and Sara cover by Vivek Shraya was the obvious choice to replicate Pattinson’s acoustic hit that I still listen and fight back tears to all these years later.

Flightless Bird, American Mouth — Iron & Wine ➼ ➼ ➼ New American Classic — Taking Back Sunday

And behold, (what I believe is) the biggest change made to the soundtrack. And also an older song than anyone probably expected. (The album Where You Want To Be came out in 2004.) I tried other modern-day acoustic dudes. Sorry, but they don’t match up to Iron & Wine. (And don’t freak out about lack of Hozier, he’s coming. Be patient.) A classic was the obvious choice, and a New American Classic ended up winning this one. I think it’s perfect, but that might just be my high school emo phase acting up again. Doesn’t matter if that phase ended up overlapping with my introduction to Twilight...

Bella’s Lullaby — Carter Burwell ➼ ➼ ➼ Rêves — Nuit Pluie

Not much of a reason for this. I wanted a lullaby-esque piano melody. That’s what we’ve got with this one.

Now, a lot of the time the soundtracks for the Twilight Saga would add a song or three to their lists depending on the country, the edition, the purchase location, etc. (This is my own version of giving myself a Free Space.) For Twilight, I gift you two bonus tracks:

This Is For Keeps — The Spill Canvas

The One Fell Swoop album by The Spill Canvas was a Twilight-era staple for myself and a lot of people who were in their mid-to-late teens during Twilight’s release. I mean, listen to the song. The lyrics, the melody, the mood. It’s like the song was a collab with Stephenie Meyer herself. (And with it’s release in 2005, the same year of Twilight’s publication, who really knows...)

Monsters — Matchbook Romance

I know it’s another mid-00 song. I know this is supposed to be a ‘modern take’ on the soundtrack. I know, I get it. This song is only added just because I was really bummed about 15 Step by Radiohead being left out of the actual Twilight Soundtrack back in the day. Like, how are you going to have them play during the credits and not supply us with it on the soundtrack? So here’s a slightly-harder rock jam that, lyrically, just screams paranormal banger.

#the twilight saga #twilight soundtrack #WHEW!!!#im honestly so excited about this #this is my favorite non fan fiction project I've completed in any fandom TO DATE!!!

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whiskynottea · 5 years ago

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An Interruption in the 1st Law of Thermodynamics.

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 15, Chapter 16, Chapter 17, Chapter 18, Chapter 19, Chapter 20, Chapter 21, Chapter 22, Chapter 23, Chapter 24, Chapter 25, Chapter 26, Chapter 27, Chapter 28, Chapter 29, Chapter 30, Chapter 31, Chapter 32, Chapter 33, Chapter 34, Chapter 35, Chapter 36, Chapter 37, Chapter 38, Chapter 39, Chapter 40, Chapter 41, Chapter 42, Chapter 43, Chapter 44, Chapter 45, Chapter 46, Chapter 47, Chapter 48, Chapter 49, Chapter 50, Chapter 51 Chapter 52, Chapter 53, Chapter 54, Chapter 55, Chapter 56, Chapter 57, Chapter 58, Chapter 59

AO3

(long) A/N: This story was born as a result of my procrastination. I wrote the first chapter instead of working on the paper for my PhD, an evening I was alone in the lab. I couldn’t resist, because I could see Jamie right there in front of me, teasing Claire in the class. Now, a year and a half later, I have finished writing my paper and my PhD thesis, got my PhD and I prepare for the next stage of my life. I guess what I want to say is… It has been a journey.

I posted the first chapter as a one-shot and your feedback made me go on. Back then I knew the beginning and the end of this story and thought it would be about 20 chapters long. Well, these two kids had other plans. They had so much to do in between, to live together, that the story kept becoming longer and longer. And I loved it. I loved writing them. I really, really did.

When I was a few chapters in, I posted something about English not being my native language (as if that wasn’t obvious -- I had just started writing in English). The amazing @theministerskat saw that post and sent me a dm offering to beta Thermo. She was the first person I talked to on Tumblr and has stayed with me since then, correcting approximately 124,472,539 wrong prepositions in the process. Kat, I hope you haven’t regretted that dm. I can’t thank you enough. Love you.

So, here we are. The last chapter! Thank you all for the love you have shown to this story. Thank you for your reblogs, comments and likes. Thank you for your messages. Thank you for being a part of this journey! You’re amazing.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Chapter 60. An Interruption in the 1st Law of Thermodynamics

Oxmas.

A little Christmas bubble in Oxford before the end of the term, created for the students to celebrate the holiday together. Even if it had to be a month early.

Music, colourful Christmas markets, trees going up on the streets -- even at the centre of the old Bodleian court. I could never have imagined the Bodleian court looking more beautiful, but apparently, everything looks better with a Christmas tree.

My legs were hurting from the midnight ice-skating Malva, Mary, and Maisri had dragged me to. The three M’s of my Catastrophe, as I called them. But it was fun. A lot of fun. So much fun that I had forgotten myself for a while and laughed with all my heart.

Then I’d remembered that I would never tell him how great midnight ice-skating with friends was.

Him. Sometimes it was difficult even to think of his name, let alone say it.

But life was going on and I was still at Oxford, with friends and our magical Christmas campus. Thinking about how terrible the holiday would be back at home, I decided that I owed it to myself to have a little bit of fun here.

I didn’t want to think about the end of the term. I was supposed to go to the US and then to Lallybroch with Jamie. Lamb wouldn't be in Edinburgh, because when I announced my initial plans he’d decided that he wouldn’t fly back. He was at a critical point in his research, he’d said.

Back then, it was fine. Lamb was happy and he’d eased my guilt for leaving him alone in a single phone call.

It was the reason I still hadn't told Lamb about Jamie. I didn’t want him to come back because his little niece couldn’t handle a break-up. And now, once the term was over, I would spend a month in Edinburgh alone, most probably studying for the next term. The ideal Christmas break. Just awesome.

“You’re still in your pyjamas?” Malva’s eyebrows shot up the moment she entered my dorm room.

“Yes?” I asked confused, as I watched her walking towards me, shaking her head.

“Today is the event at Bodleian’s Old Schools Quad, remember? The one with the projections of maps on the buildings? You said you wanted to go!”

I had said that, but then I forgot about it. It would be amazing, seeing the maps from the Bodleian Library collection projected onto the library’s historic buildings. I shot Malva an apologetic glance and got out of bed. “Give me ten minutes?” I implored, and headed towards my closet.

“We’ll wait for you outside,” she said, before I heard the door click shut.

I wore my favourite pair of jeans and a soft, warm sweater. Boots. A woollen scarf and a beanie, that meant I didn’t have to put any effort into taming my unruly curls. In less than ten minutes, I joined Malva and Mary who were giggling at something next to the front door.

“What?” I asked, walking towards the entrance.

“Well, our little shy daisy here has something to tell you, Claire.”

My eyes shot from Malva’s teasing smile to Mary’s blushing cheeks. “Oh my God! What?”

“It’s nothing!” Mary exclaimed, much louder than normal. Startling herself with her raised voice, her next words came out in a whisper. “It’s nothing, nothing. I’ve only met him once.”

“Him? Who?” I inquired with a grin on my face.

“Alex,” Malva replied instead of Mary, batting her eyelashes and faking a swoon.

“Who is Alex, Mary?”

“This guy,” Mary murmured. “I dropped my scarf last night and he picked it up and gave it back to me. He was so kind, and he smiled…”

“And?” I pushed her, but Mary had hardly heard me, lost in her reverie.

“We were walking in the same direction,” she continued, her voice dreamy. “And we talked, and I don’t know how, but I didn’t stutter at all. He had the most beautiful eyes, and he’s a fresher too.”

“Which college?” Malva asked, chewing her lip. “We should pay him a visit!”

“Nnn-o, no, no.” Mary faltered. “And I don’t know that, anyway. An older guy materialized next to us all of a sudden and told him they had to go. Alex looked at me and said --”

“Till next time,” Malva spoke, imitating a man’s low voice.

“Yes, but not like that, you know,” Mary corrected, smiling and blushing even more. “But he doesn’t have my number and I-- I don’t know how…”

“Come on.” I linked her elbow with mine. “He might be there tonight.”

I was sure Mary hadn’t seen a single projection all night, her eyes scanning the crowd for him, for Alex. It was sweet and honest, and it made my heart hurt. So I focused my attention on the lights dancing on the hundred year old walls. The old and the new, in perfect conjunction. With my eyes on the Old School Quad buildings, I didn’t notice another him until he was standing right next to me.

“That interested in maps, are you?” Robert’s French accent stood out from the British ones around us. I hadn’t seen him since that night at the bar, three days before. We had agreed to go out for drinks again, the way people always do when they say goodbye because they feel like they have to. He had my number and I had his from when we were back in Zambia, but, as expected, neither of us had called.

“It’s enchanting, isn’t it?” I asked in a light voice as I moved my eyes over another projection.

He made a low, affirmative sound, but when I turned my head towards him, he was already looking at me again. “So, how do you find your first Oxmas?”

Robert shrugged. “It’s weird, isn’t it? The term hasn’t finished and I still have to work on an essay for the 26th, but everyone is so cheery. And you know, the trees, the lights…”

“They create a totally different atmosphere,” I finished his thought. “It will be weird when it’s over, going back to the pre-Christmas mood.”

“Definitely,” he agreed. “But I like it.”

“Well, celebrating Christmas twice can’t be bad.”

His eyes changed for a moment, and his mouth became a hard line. Before I had the chance to say something, he smiled.

“Christmas is not my favourite time of the year,” he explained softly.

I was ready to ask how that could be, but I stopped myself in time. His mother. Maybe Christmas brought back memories of family traditions, and his mother was an inextricable part of this time for him. As Ellen had been for Jamie. I wondered whether not having so many memories from my parents was beneficial from time to time. But then, I would give my soul for a few more moments with them.

I took a step towards Robert and squeezed his arm in solidarity. Neither of us spoke, but we didn’t need to.

At some point, Malva disappeared and a bit later I felt someone pinching my arm.

“Ouch!” I turned to look at Mary. “What?” She was blushing again, and when I looked next to her, I saw a skinny guy with brown hair and the sweetest smile who was blushing too.

“I didn’t find him, but he found me,” Mary whispered to me, her eyes shining with happiness. “Do you mind if we leave?”

I bit my lip to stop the smile from growing wider on my face. “No, of course not. Good luck!” I watched them until they disappeared into the crowd.

I spent the rest of the night standing next to Robert, admiring the projections, enjoying the comfortable silence between us, and letting the colours of light sneak into my heart.

“So, what’s the plan now?” he asked once the event was over. He looked around, searching for something. Or someone. “It seems that my friends ditched me,” he observed a moment later.

I snorted. “Yeah, mine too. Not big fans of maps, it seems.”

“Booze sounds better,” he commented.

“Does it?” I wondered.

“Oui. Join me for a pint?” Robert winked at me, then looked nonchalantly at the people leaving the library.

“You know that once I take the beanie off, a jungle of curls will be waiting underneath it?” I half-joked, half-prepared him for what he would see.

Robert laughed, then looked at my beanie as if I was hiding a little monster underneath it.

“You’re right,” he grimaced after a long moment of examination. “We better just walk around.”

His grimace became sincere when he felt my blow to his arm. “You’re an arse,” I added, for good measure.

“I think I’ve heard that one before,” he laughed, rubbing his arm. “That hurt,” he grumbled. “You’re paying for the drinks.”

“Fine! But no hair jokes for the rest of the night!”

“Deal!” he said, tugging on a curl, stretching it out and watching it spring back.

We went to a crowded pub, sat at the only available table in a corner, but Robert didn’t let me pay for the drinks. We talked about life in Oxford, the medical school and his courses on economics, and I tried hard to keep Jamie out of my mind, not to break down just because Robert had some common classes with him. Robert talked about his father’s business in France, and listened to my stories from my travels with Lamb. When we left, he announced that he would walk me back to my dorm, because it was late and he was a gentleman. Ignoring my snort at his description of himself, we started walking towards the dorms of Lady Margaret’s Hall.

It was much quieter now that the events were over, but students were still walking around, laughing, flirting, and giggling. The night was beautiful, and a few stars hung in the clear sky. I took a deep breath and tried to empty my head from all thoughts of my heartbreak. I had fun tonight, and I was allowed to. I was entitled to it.

When we arrived at my dorm, I turned to say goodnight only to find Robert’s face a few inches away from mine. My heart stopped when I felt his hot breath and smelled the peppermint in it, from drops he’d bought from a stall at the Christmas market. I held my breath in turn, knowing that it smelled exactly the same. I had eaten half his peppermint drops on our way back to my dorm.

I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. Before I had time to think, Robert tilted his head closer to me, and the next moment he brushed his lips against mine. It was gentle. A start. An invitation for more.

And I freaked out.

I took a hurried step back, raising a hand to my lips and looking at him through wide eyes.

Robert frowned at me, then took a step back, too. “You’re single, aren’t you?” he implored, perplexed.

“How?” I asked, not wanting to affirm his notion.

“How did I know?”

I nodded.

“You haven’t mentioned him once tonight or the other night at the bar, you’re not constantly on your phone texting him and you didn’t send him a picture from the event. Even though you loved it. It wasn’t so hard to figure out,” he concluded and shrugged, his gaze falling on my lips again.

“I guess I’m quite easy to read,” I murmured and heard him chuckle.

“I like that.”

I nodded again, not knowing what to say. The truth. I had to tell him the truth. I was never good at lies, anyway.

“Robert,” I started and his green eyes locked with mine. He was one of those people who didn’t even have to try to look good. Robert was the definition of a handsome man. But that didn’t matter at all. I took a deep breath and continued. “You’re not wrong. Jamie and I, we…” I swallowed, cursing myself for stumbling. “We broke up. But I’m not ready, and I don’t want to move on before I am. It wouldn’t be fair, to either of us.”

Robert nodded and raised his chin, in defeat or acceptance I wasn’t sure, but kept his eyes low on the ground. “I understand.”

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled, wanting him to look at me again. “I’m still in love with him.”

At that comment, Robert looked at me and gave me a wistful smile. He took a step towards me again and placed a warm, gentle hand on my cheek. His thumb caressed my cheekbone as he murmured something in French, so low that I wasn’t able to catch it. “You’re a good one, Claire,” he said, at last.

“I don’t know about that,” I disagreed.

“I do,” he insisted, then took a step back and turned to leave. I stayed rooted in place. He had only taken two steps away before he turned back again, grinned at me, and said, “See you around, Miss Bennet.”

As I walked up to my room, I wondered whether he was a good one. If I had made a huge mistake by stopping him, by not kissing him back. He was beautiful, smart and witty, even if he was a little bit more cocky and authoritative than I would like.

And yet, kissing him now didn’t feel right.

Robert had a wonderful French accent, and all I wanted to hear was Jamie’s heavy Scottish one.

I fell onto my bed, hating Jamie for ruining my Oxmas, my chances for a future, my life. Hating myself for loving him so much.

Mary came back from her date after midnight. Alex had kissed her and her exhilaration permeated the thick layer of unhappiness that surrounded me. I was happy for her. I was glad she had found someone who was so like her, who could understand her, and care for her. Who didn’t mind if she was shy or stuttered, and saw the lovely person she was.

By the time Mary fell asleep, I couldn’t find it in me to be upset anymore. But I couldn’t force myself to be happy either. I slipped into my semi-depressed state with ease, and when I realized sleep wasn’t a choice anymore, I put on my thickest winter coat and headed out to the gardens.

I don’t know how long I sat by the river, crying, while trying to stop my stupid heart from suffocating me. At last, I lay down on the cold grass, closed my eyes and wondered what kind of an idiot I would be if I ended up with pneumonia. Maybe that would be enough of a shock to delete Jamie from my mind.

Maybe.

I woke up with the dawn overtaking the night sky and a hand holding mine. My heart began beating faster and faster, and I closed my eyes again, trying to figure out what to do. This wasn’t a woman’s hand. It wasn’t Mary’s, or Malva’s. It was a big, warm, male hand that seemed strangely familiar. But who was I to be sure about the familiarity of hands? I resolved to leap to my feet, take a look at the person lying beside me, and if I didn’t know him, run back to my dorm as fast as I could.

But then he spoke. And his voice was a balm that soothed reality away.

“If I lay here, if I just lay here, will you lie with me and just forget the world?”

My heart stopped and I felt my eyes grow abnormally wide as I opened them again. I tried to breathe, but I couldn’t. I tried to react, to turn and look at him, but I was afraid that he was just a dream and the moment I turned he would dissolve into thin air. He had spoken to me in my dreams before. He had never been there when I had woken up.

“But you’ve never touched me,” I croaked with effort.

“What?” His whisper was barely audible. Tentative.

“You’ve never touched me in my dreams before.”

A chuckle. “Yeah, bummer.” His voice quivered and a shiver ran down my spine. “I couldn’t touch you in my dreams either, Sassenach, and I decided to do something about it.”

My whole body tensed.

The gall of him.

I sat up so quickly the world tilted on its axis for a few seconds. When I found my bearings again, I slowly turned to look at him.

God, he was beautiful. Those red curls, the bright blue eyes, the wide mouth. I suddenly realized why I couldn’t kiss Robert. His soft brown locks, his shining green eyes, his full lips -- they were all wrong. Perfect, but wrong.

A small smile curled Jamie’s lips and I realized he was drinking me in too.

And then it hit me. The hurt, the desperation, the anger.

“What are you doing here.” It wasn’t a question. It was an interrogation. I set my jaw, resolute to be rigid, determined not to cry.

“I had to see you,” he said in a low voice and moved to take my hand. I snatched it away from him.

“Why? Are you trying to establish a new tradition? Do we have to see each other once a month now that we’re not together?”

“Twenty-six days,” he countered.

“What?” I asked incredulously.

“It’s been twenty-six days since that night.”

That night. I knew exactly how many days it had been. A part of me had died over the course of each one of those days. I kept my hard gaze on Jamie for a long moment, then stood up. “Well, you saw me. Now, goodbye, Jamie.”

“Claire!” he yelled, alarmed, as he sprang up and rushed to me. “Wait.” He towered over me and grabbed my arm, afraid I would leave if he didn’t have a proper hold on me. I didn’t know if he was wrong about that. I wanted to get away, far away from him. Even looking at him hurt. “Please, Sassenach.”

“What do you want?” Ice infused my tone.

“I need to talk to you.”

I didn’t want to listen to him, and yet, I wished for him to tell me everything. I wanted to know his heart, his thoughts. I needed answers, so many answers, but just looking at him and knowing he had decided he didn’t want to be mine was stealing my breath. He was here, but he wasn’t my Jamie anymore.

I took a step to leave and heard him gasp, as if I had shot him. I froze in place, balling my hands into fists.

I was fighting with myself, struggling to find what I wanted, and how much more pain I could handle. I closed my eyes, trying to set my feelings in order before they could choke me.

I felt like I was four again, standing in the aisle with the chocolate bars at the grocery store and trying to choose one. It was one of the few memories I had with my dad, shopping together. I will never forget how I had stared and stared at the chocolates, licking my lips as if I were imagining their taste on my tongue, trying to decide which one I should put in our cart. And then, surprising myself, I had suddenly started crying. Soon my silent tears turned into wailing, bringing my dad’s attention back to me.

“What's wrong, Claire?” he had asked, eyebrows scrunched in a frown.

But I couldn't answer his question. I hadn’t known what was wrong. I only knew that I wanted to do what he had asked and choose only one chocolate, but I also wanted to buy all of them. And I felt tired, too tired to decide. I only wanted my mum, because mum would know which chocolate was the best. So I kept crying, and crying, until my breath came in gasps, and my dad's face was blurry in front of me.

He had held my shoulders and pulled me into a hug, then, his big hand drawing circles on my back to soothe me.

“In here,” he had said afterwards, tapping lightly on my chest, “Snuggle our feelings. And they are so many, sweetheart, that sometimes they don't talk to each other and try to get out of our chest all at once. And we start crying, because we are confused and we don't know how to feel. I want you to take a deep breath, stop crying, and tell me what's wrong.”

And with my father squatting in front of me, his hands tucking errand curls behind my ears, I had told him that I didn't know what I wanted.

I felt the same now, only that I was not four anymore, and I couldn’t throw a fit. Jamie was here, standing in front of me, looking me through pleading eyes, and he was all the chocolates. And yet, I couldn't have him. I couldn't trust him, not anymore, but I didn't want to leave either. I couldn't.

So I inhaled. Exhaled. In and out, again and again, following my dad’s advice. My coat was soaked from lying on the grass for so many hours, and my hands felt like ice cubes. And I decided to listen to him.

“Let’s go find a bench. My arse is freezing.”

I started walking and heard him falling in step behind me, undoing the zipper of his insulated jacket. “Here,” he offered, catching up with me in two wide strides.

“I’m fine, thank you,” I dismissed him, keeping my chin high.

“Please, Sassenach.”

“Don’t call me that!” I hissed, breathing hard. He had decided that I was not his Sassenach before he made that video call. I was plain Claire to him now, and he had better deal with it.

“Please, Claire,” he repeated, rectifying his slip.

I took his jacket begrudgingly and wore it. It was dry and warm, and it smelled like him.

Dammit.

Two minutes later we were sitting on a bench, watching the sky changing from a deep blue to a lighter one. It was beautiful. This would be one of my favourite moments with him if his surprise had happened a month ago. Now, however, I could feel the bitter taste of these twenty-six days in my throat every time I swallowed.

“I’ll hear you.”

“Can I hold yer hands, please?”

“No.” My voice was colder than my hands as I shoved them into his jacket pockets.

Jamie took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair. It was such a simple gesture and so him, that I felt my heart clench inside my chest. “I miss ye, Claire,” he whispered. “Every moment, every day.”

I resolved not to talk until he was done, and to keep any tears at bay. I would not cry. I would not.

“I miss ye when I wake up and I don’t find yer text on my phone. I miss ye when the guys do something funny and I can’t text you to laugh with you about it. I miss ye when I finish training and I can’t call ye to see how ye’re doing. I miss ye when I go back to the dorm and canna talk to ye about my day. I wake up every day, knowing that no matter what happens I willna be happy, Claire... I canna think of myself without ye.”

Fuck my resolution. I had to speak.

“You didn’t seem to have any problem with that, twenty-six days ago,” I deadpanned.

“I was a fool.” Jamie’s voice trembled. “I thought… I thought breaking up would be hard, but we’d get over it and then everything would be easier for both of us. I could see ye struggling here, and I couldna even hug you when ye needed me, when ye were tired from long hours in the library. Ye couldna come to my races or be there to calm me down when I was stressed. Another guy in the team broke up with his girlfriend who lived in another State and he got over it, eventually. And we arena in different States, Claire. We live on different continents,” he explained as if that detail had eluded me. “I felt torn all the time, between ye and my life in the US. I ken that I was the one who changed our plans, I was the one who went to Michigan--”

“I never said anything about our plans. I never complained, and I supported your decision from the very first moment. I was the one who told you to go. That is not why we broke up. We broke up because you stopped believing in us. Because you wanted somebody who would be closer to you.”

“No!” he protested, his gaze bore into mine with insistence and flame. “No, not somebody. Not anybody. I wanted ye to be close to me, and I thought that if we were in a long-distance relationship for years the pain of not seeing each other would become too much, until we couldna take it anymore. Or what we had would become less. I thought that we would gradually fall apart, and I didna want that. I thought that we didna have any other option, Sassenach. Every time that ye missed one of my calls, or I missed yers, I became more sure of it. Then I thought…” he trailed off.

“What? What else did you think, Jamie?” I prompted, impatient. He was a mess but I didn’t feel merciful in that moment to go soft on him. Not after everything I had been through.

“I thought if we were destined to be together, maybe we would find each other again once ended up in the same country. But now I know, Claire. I dinna want to find ye again after how ever many years, and realize that ye don’t want to be mine anymore. That there is a big part of yer life that I know nothing about. I dinna want to miss yer first day in the OR, or yer graduation. I dinna want to miss yer smiles after yer tutorials, even if I can only see them through a screen. I dinna ken what I was thinking when I believed I could do it without you, but I can’t. I can’t and I don’t want to be without you.”

I huffed, partly because I didn’t want to let his words have an impact on me. “Twenty-six days. Took you long enough.”

“I tried, at first. I tried to go on, to tuck you into a corner of my heart and keep living. But I couldn’t, Sassenach, because all of my heart was yers. I could have come to find you after those first few days. And maybe I should have, but I didna, because I wanted to be sure. But no matter how hard I tried, living without ye didna become easier. It became harder. I kent how I was with ye, and now I ken how it is to live without ye. It sucks, Claire. I’m miserable without ye. All I could think of this past month--”

“Twenty-six days,” I interrupted him.

He smiled, shaking his head. “I love ye. A Dhia, I love ye so much it hurts. Twenty-six days. All I could think of was ye, Sassenach. How I wanted to share everything with ye. How I needed to ken where ye are, what ye’re doing, and how ye feel. I missed ye with every breath I took. And now I ken that I canna go on without ye.”

I’d resolved not to cry, but treacherous tears were rolling down my cheeks without asking for my permission.

“And how do I know that you won’t change your mind again? How can I trust you again, Jamie?” My question found its target in his heart, and I saw his sharp intake of breath from the impact. “You broke my heart,” I whispered, as an explanation. “You broke me.”

He looked down for a moment, but quickly locked his eyes on mine again. “I fucked up. I know I did. Forgive, mo nighean donn. Forgive me, please.” He paused for a moment, and extended his hand between us, palm facing up. He didn’t remove it when I didn’t move to take it, and he continued. “All I’m asking for is another chance. One chance, Sassenach. If ye’re not ready, if ye need time, I can wait. I will wait for as long as it takes.”

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t think time would change how I felt. I loved him, I knew I did. But he had given up on us, yielding to his fears. He didn’t believe we would make it through all the years of our separation. He had chosen a life without me and broke me in the process.

Well, and he regretted it. It was clear that he did. I could see it as much in the pain in his eyes as I could hear it in his voice when he spoke.

I watched Jamie’s chest rising and falling with every breath he took while he waited for me to say something. His hair was a mess from all the times he had run his hand through it. I wanted to fix it, and then run my fingers over his cheekbones, over the curve of his lips. And yet, I was frozen in my place. Not even to take his hand that lay on the bench between us.

“How can we ever be the same again?” I asked, unsure. I started caving in, and I didn’t know how to feel about it.

“I dinna want us to be the same. D’ye remember the first time I talked to ye?” he asked with a timid smile. “In Mrs. Fitz’s class, ye were keeping notes on the first law of thermodynamics.”

I didn’t know where he was going with that, but I stayed silent and let him go on.

“The conservation of energy. Nothing is lost, Sassenach; only changed. And I don’t care if we change, as long as we change together. This… Me without ye… It was an interruption in the first law of thermodynamics. Because I was lost. And that’s against the laws of physics.”

I laughed. This was ridiculous. Jamie blushed, and then laughed with me.

“I ken what I want now, Claire. I want ye. I want us. And I will fight for us, if ye let me, because what we had -- what we have -- it’s true. It’s truer than anything I will ever get. It’s more than I could ever ask for.”

I kept my eyes on the river, the grass, the sky. I felt my heart beating faster in response to his words, as if each time he spoke he glued another of its broken parts back in place.

“All I’m asking for, is a chance,” Jamie implored. “A chance to prove myself to ye, mo ghraidh.”

“A chance,” I murmured, trying to sort the tangle of emotions in my chest.

He came closer, now brave enough to take my hands out of my pockets and wrap them in his. “I know ye and ye know me. Ye’re the only person in the world that really knows me. Ye’re my heart and my soul Claire, and I canna leave without them, can I?” Without taking his eyes from me, he leaned into me and kissed me gently on the lips.

And damn him, it felt right. But I didn’t kiss him back. I had more to say.

“You didn’t talk to me.” I kept my voice calm. “You had all these thoughts in your head, and you left me here in the dark, thinking that everything was alright on your end. And when you made up your mind, you just called me to announce the verdict of a trial I didn’t participate in.”

Jamie opened his mouth to reply, but closed it again. I guess there was nothing he could say that wouldn’t be a lie. He had decided for both of us.

“This…” I started again. “This is not how things work, how relationships work. If you have second thoughts, I need to know. If you need something I’m not giving you, I need to know. If you believe that we’re fucking falling apart,” I finally barked, unable to keep the anger from my voice, “I. Need. To. Know.”

Jamie nodded, but I was far from finished. “What we’re trying to do is bloody hard. We need to talk, and talking includes the unpleasant discussions too. I’m not going to try again without knowing that you’ll do that.”

“I give ye my word, Claire. We will make this work. I will do anything I can to make sure it does.”

“Will you talk to me? Always?” There was no ice or blaze in my voice now. Just a question. A sincere question that demanded an honest answer.

“Always,” Jamie vowed and leaned into me. “I will not give up on us, ever again,” he whispered on my lips, and I drank the words in.

I had trusted him with my heart before and he broke it. But he was right when he said that I knew him. And I knew he’d torn his own heart apart in the process too. I could still see the pain in the way his sweater hung a little too wide on him, in the black bags underneath his blue eyes. I looked into his eyes, those eyes I knew better than my own, and saw the truth in them.

“One chance, Jamie Fraser. You won’t get another.”

“I willna need another. Ye’re mine and I’m yers, and I will never let you go again.”

“Promise?” I asked, as if that would seal the deal. As if his promise would secure my happiness.

“Promise,” Jamie nodded emphatically, his eyes overflowing with tears that split when he closed them and kissed me again.

And this time, I kissed him back. It was long, and soft, and encompassing. It was an offering of his soul, and I took it, keeping it safe inside my chest. A treasure and a hostage.

“Plus,” Jamie said once we stopped to catch our breath. “I offer you a chance to torture me forever for making the worst mistake of my life.”

I laughed, cupped his cheeks and kissed him again.

I closed my eyes. Life was nothing but chances and choices. Decisions. Paths waiting for us to take them. A huge aisle with chocolate bars.

I looked towards the path in front of me and I saw Jamie and me together -- arguing, fighting, kissing, laughing. I saw a man who wasn’t flawless, but was mine. I saw a future that wasn’t perfect, but was real.

I saw happy moments and sad ones. I saw difficulties and dreams coming true. I saw us facing life with our hands clasped tightly together.

When I opened my eyes again, I saw a risk, but a risk worth taking.

“Challenge accepted, Jamie Fraser.”

And just like that, the next chapter of our lives began.

#thermodynamics #the first law of thermodynamics #jamie x claire #high school AU #college AU #outlander fanfic #outlander fanfiction #last chapter!#I can't believe it!

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the-kings-of-games · 4 years ago

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i’m not popular enough to get tons of asks, but I pushing off zine work and secret santa so fanfic writer asks! (YGO only)

1. What’s your favorite character(s) to write for?

Answered here

2. What character(s) do you find the most difficult to write for? Why?

Characters that don’t get much of a reaction from me from the beginning or at any point, and characters I have never considered writing before (like Bruno). Never feel like I’d write them so I never put thought in their character and stories.

3. Do you have a favorite scene you’ve written from [Fanfic Name] story/chapter?

Yeah, from Two Fingers Crossed Over Your Lips, Chapter 8: Domestics (Orinthoptershipping). It’s when Crow is laying on top of Bruno on the couch, and they share a kiss. Crow is flirty, and Bruno is cute. I think this is the best example of my portrayal of Crow, lol.

4. Did you have any ideas that didn’t make the final cut of [Fanfic Name]?

No, for the most part, I end up using pretty much everything I write out. I’m the kind of person to go back and cut out entire scenes because I tend to write out scenes I like/want to do and find ways to connect them together. It can be kind of counterproductive because some scenes might actually pull you away from the plot you wanted, but I never never plot before I write, lol.

It doesn’t mean, however, that that I have never ended up writing something bigger than I expected. Currently, it’s The Supreme King’s Husband (Prologue) because I just wanted to add in Yūsei and Kizuna, omgs. QWQ

5. Do you listen to music when writing?

Yes, I do. It both keeps me focused and distracted at the same time.

6. If you listen to music when writing, what [do] you listening to when writing [Fanfic Name]?

A lot of Joji, Jack Strauder, Oliver Tree, CUCO, and the like. Pretty much this mix.

7. What story/headcanons do you feel the proudest of?

I really love my headcanon of Crow being masculine leaning genderfluid afab (assigned female at birth). It’s really fun exploring this headcanon, and I always write Crow with this in mind. However, it’s only 5D’s Crow, not Arc-V Crow. They are both Crow but, in a lot of ways, are essentially two different characters, and I’m very attached to the former. Crow didn’t start doing he/him stuff until he was, like, nine, and Yūsei and Jack have been super supportive about it since the beginning. Crow was she one day, and he the next day. Still Crow. ^^ This is from one of my many Crow WIPs:

"It doesn’t matter how I look or what I call myself, I’d always be their friend, and they’d always be my brothers. The bond we share is irreplaceable, and I’m thankful to have met them in the first place. They’ve always supported me, and they know it’s my right to tell people about me, when and how. If I wanted it to be different, they’d be the first one to know. As it is right now, though, I’m happy with the way I am."

Crow has two feminine outfits he wears occasionally: a yellow dress with red flats (a gift from his girls), and a yellow blouse with a green plaid skirt and black knee highs. To go with these looks, he wears his hair down with his headband around his neck and shiny lip loss Trudge bought for him.

8. Do you prefer writing one-shots or multi chaptered stories?

One-shots by a long shot, lmao. That being said, I sometimes don’t finish one-shots either.

9. If you had to assign a theme song to [Fanfic Name], which would you assign?

I don’t think in music. I do that thing where you pick a song and write a fic with it but not the other way around.

10. What is the line you’re proudest of from [Fanfic Name]?

One of my favorites, from the aforementioned Chapter 8: Domestics (Ornitoptershipping):

Closing his eyes, Bruno was taken back to the beach, the one he woke up at with no memories, but this time, he didn't feel the confusion, nor the faint touch of grief at the bottom of his heart. Instead, he only felt the quiet crash of the waves on his skin, the sun shining brightly over his head. This was now a memory he remembered twice.

(I really like this one-shot a lot, lol.)

11. How would you describe your style? (Character/emotion/action-driven, etc)

A lot of dialogue, stream of conscious narrative. I think. I never really thought about it.

12. Who is your favorite author?

I don’t really have one at the moment. I don’t read a lot, lol.

13. When did you start writing fanfic?

I got more serious about it in high school, but I think I started during middle school? KHR was a thing then, lol.

14. How do you feel about your older work?

Answered here

15. What is the fanfic you’ve written that you’re most proud of?

From YGO, probably The Distance of Time which features Orinthoptershipping. It’s very dialogue heavy, but it was a lot of fun. I’m very thankful of the people who took the time to read it, and even more those who commented and gave feedback.

16. What fanfic tropes do you avoid writing for?

I don’t do gore, violence, or torture. I don’t dislike them, I just don’t write them (so I don’t have any practice either).

17. What fanfic tropes do you gravitate to writing for?

I love ones that explore the idea of soulmates. I’m a big fan of the soulmates AU, but I love the different ways that people just complete each other that borders on more realism than trope. I mostly write fluff though, and attempts at humor because I think I’m funny.

18. Do you prefer editing as you write, or waiting until it’s finished?

I edit as a I write, which is bad because I don’t edit afterwards and miss typos (lol) and sometimes makes writing take longer to finish.

19. What words do you think you tend to use the most?

Epithets probably; otherwise, I don’t know.

20. What feedback makes you the happiest to hear?

I love comments that think my pacing is good and my character interpretations are great. If someone tells me that they can imagine this happening in canon, I’m over the moon.

21. Is there an idea you’ve always wanted to write, but haven’t yet?

Yes, and they’re all WIPs.

22. Do you enjoy making OCs for your fanfics, or prefer sticking to canon characters?

I mostly stick to canon characters and don’t like doing OCs (unless they’re extras or side characters). Writing OCs makes me a little uncomfortable actually because I fear veering into self-inserts which I cannot write because that’s even worse than doing OCs. The only OCs I like do are OC babies of my favorite ships.

For YGO, I currently have two: Sky Hogan, the daughter of Crow (Papa), Jack (Father), and Yūsei (Dad); and Mira Princeton, the daughter of Chazz (Mama) and Jaden (Dad).

23. How much do you stick to canon?

I try to write characters based off of canon as much as possible. If I don’t see a character doing something, then I don’t write them doing that thing. I’m more about filling in blank spaces than trying to rewrite inked ones.

24. Do you prefer AUs with the characters, or sticking to the original universe?

I do original universe most of the time.

25. What scene in [Fanfic Name] took the longest to write? What was difficult about it?

Smut scenes because they are pretty much one continuous scene, lololol. There’s no scene changes for the most part, so keeping up momentum is a must and a difficulty.

26. Are titles for your stories easy to come up with?

I suck at making titles. I can have whole fics done but back petal so hard because I forgot to give it title.

27. What time of day do you prefer to write?

Past bedtime.

28. Is there a part of [Fanfic Name] you’re surprised no one has picked up on yet?

I’m not sure what this is asking, lol.

29. What part of the writing process do you enjoy the most? (Brainstorming, outlining, writing, editing, etc)

Writing it. I don’t brainstorm or outline, I just write what comes to mind. I brainstorm only if I need to connect things together. Finishing it is a close second.

30. Do you write down all your ideas? What makes you decide to write one versus the other?

I never write down my ideas; it’s either I start on a WIP or I don’t. What I decide to write depends on my mood.

31. What was the development process of [Fanfic Name] like?

I write for three hours and produce only a thousand words, smh. Agony.

32. What story do you think showcases your signature style the most?

Fluff with subtle angst, I guess.

33. Have you ever stopped yourself from writing something? Why?

Yes, because I already have so many WIPs, I shouldn’t start on another one. (Does this stop me? No.)

34. Have you felt emotional while writing a scene before? What scene was it?

I might have, but I have terrible memory. U_U

35. Where’s your favorite place to write?

In my bed in the dark, on my phone. (Computers tire me out after a while.)

36. What fanfic of yours has the symbolism you’re proudest of?

I’m not sure what symbolism is.

37. Would you ever collaborate with another writer for a story?

Yes, but it will be a really big learning experience because I’m using to have most, if not all, control over my writing. I try to be open, but getting used to new things is hard, you know?

38. What story of yours are you surprised that people liked as much as they did?

Honestly, for YGO, any of them. The feedback for YGO isn’t a lot, lol, or it’s because I write characters/ships/tropes a lot of people don’t go for? I’m just glad I now know the people who like my stuff. I know my writing is good, but I won’t force people to read it.

39. What area of writing do you feel strongest in?

Characterization, if I’m not being too big-headed, lol.

40. What area of writing do you want to improve in?

I need to stop feeling the urge to rush ending and give the settings more details.

#yugioh #Kizunashipping #ornithoptershipping #i have three zines and one secret santa on my to-do list #lmao #im lazy but like to talk about myself #i do indeed have a big head #Flame muses

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cometorub · 5 years ago

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Is (01) Answering: —> this survey

1. Do you want to remain anonymous?

Yes

2. How old are you?

3. What’s your sexual orientation?

Lesbian

4. Your pubic hair?

Hairy

5. Are you virgin?

Yes

6. How old were you when you first masturbated?

7. How did you discover masturbation?

Curiosity about how my body worked

8. How old were you when you had your first orgasm?

9. Can you tell us more about your first orgasm? How did it happen?

I learned how to finger myself properly

10. How often do you masturbate?

A few times a week

11. When was the last time you masturbated?

Yesterday

12. Do you masturbate to any stimulus?

Occasionally to music or porn

13. What do you think about?

Lots of things. Mostly gay sex (male it female) but anything works really.

14. What’s the last thing you thought of or masturbated to?

Imagined getting eaten out

15. Have you ever walked in on or caught someone masturbating? (If yes, please tell us a little more about it)

16. Have someone ever walked in on or caught you masturbating? (If yes, please tell us a little more about it)

17 Have you ever had cyber sex?

18. Have you ever had phone sex?

19. Have you ever had a wet dream?

Yes

20. What’s your favorite method of masturbation? (i.e. Hands/Toys/Lotion/etc.)

Hands

21. Are you loud or quiet when you masturbate?

Quiet

22. Do you ever masturbate in pjs? If so what type and how?

Yes, often I'll just wear a big t-shirt to bed but sometimes I leave sweats on and I just go underneath them.

23. Do you ever touch any other part of your body whilst you masturbate?

I'll trail my fingers up and down my stomach and press into pressure points behind my hips on my lower back.

24. Has anyone ever watched you masturbate live online?

25. Has anyone ever watched you masturbate in person?

26. Have you ever watched someone masturbate live online?

Yes

27. Have you ever watched someone masturbate in person?

28. Have you ever masturbated with someone? (Mutual masturbation)

29. Do you enjoy watching others masturbate?

Yes, only girls

30. Do you enjoy being watched while masturbating?

I wouldn't know, never tried it. I think I could be into it.

31. Who do you like to think about when you masturbate?

Typically no one I know, occasionally someone I have had brief chemistry with but don't have enough of an established relationship for it to be weird. When I am in a relationship I can think about my partner.

32. Have you ever told them you think about them while you masturbate?

33. Does anyone know you masturbate? How did they find out?

A few close friends do, because we talk about things like that openly.

34. Have you masturbated because your partner wasn’t around to help? Where were they?

Yes, when I was younger and didn't have to freedom to see my partner often I would have to take care of things myself.

35. What’s your most embarrassing masturbation story?

I don't have one (yet).

36. What’s your funniest masturbation story?

Probably when I got my head on the ceiling after masturbating in a loft bed. I may have momentarily forgotten where I was.

38. Have you ever masturbated in unique or strange places?

Typically just in my bed, or on the couch/in my desk chair if I'm home alone.

39. Have you ever used something unique or strange to masturbate?

40. Is it easy for you to orgasm or do you have to work for it?

It used to be easy but now it's rather difficult, I have to go awhile without touching myself so that it feels new again in order to get really good results.

41. What’s the easiest way for you to get off?

I honestly am not sure

42. Is there only one way you can get off? (i.e. Vaginal/Clitoral/Toy Use)

I don't think I could orgasm without any clit action.

43. Are you able to achieve orgasm through only non-conventional or indirect methods? (Breast Play/Hands-Free/Anal)

44. Do you ever double penetrate while you masturbate?

I've tried it a couple times. It's not bad.

45. Do you ever suck on a dildo while you masturbate?

Not typically. Once in a while my fingers, maybe.

46. Do you edge when you masturbate? (Get to the point of orgasm and stop repeatedly to enhance the experience)

Sometimes

47. What position do you typically masturbate in?

Laying flat on my back with my legs up, or sitting up with my legs tucked behind me and something in between them to support me (pillow, etc.)

48. How do you react when you orgasm, arch your back, pull faces? Etc

My hips go up/forward into my hand. I don't make faces, but I can't keep my mouth closed.

49. Describe how an orgasm feels to you when you cum? If possible

Warm. Like a quick spike of energy and pure pleasure glowed by this wash of warmth and relief. My muscles get very relaxed, I almost feel like I'm melting.

50. Describe a typical masturbation session.

I'll make sure that I'm not in a situation where I would get caught, then I slide my hand into my underwear. I'll rub around and pull on the outside of my vagina as I think of/try to come up with something that will turn me on. When I'm ready I'll start working on my clitoris, alternating between up and down/circular motions, starting slowly and working my way up to faster movements. If it's a passionate enough session I'll take off anything I'm wearing on my bottom half to give my legs more freedom to spread. If I'm wet enough to do so comfortably, I'll slip a finger or two in and out of myself, but I always end with my clit. If it's a good orgasm I'll feel very content and relaxed afterwards and I'll just lay there and decompress

51. How long do you usually last?

Anywhere from 5 - 30 minutes

52. What’s the quickest you’ve ever been brought to orgasm?

Like 3 minutes (I was listening to a really good song)

53. What’s the longest masturbation session you’ve had?

An hour

54. What’s the most amount of times you’ve cum in a day?

55. How wet do you get? Do you leak fluids when you orgasm? (If yes, please describe)

Sometimes barely at all, sometimes decently wet. I don't squirt or anything, it's usually pretty thick and slowly comes out of me after I orgasm.

56. If you are older than 35, how has masturbation changed for you over the years?

57. Are you going to masturbate tonight after taking this survey?

Not sure

58. Are you sexually aroused taking this survey?

A little

Thank you so much for your answers! ❤

Scroll down for survey if you want to take part

We want to know more about the way our female followers masturbate.

You can answer as many questions as you want. I’d love to hear from you!

If you want me to add some more questions feel free to message me and make sure to reblog this. Thank you.

Here’s the survey if you wish to share your answers on how you do it —> click here ❤️

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lovemesomesurveys · 5 years ago

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01. Do you ever use sleep as a way to cope with bad moods? Yepppp. 02. What’s the most self-destructive thing you’ve ever done? Self-neglect and just not taking care of myself like I should. 03. Have you ever wanted to believe in something, but couldn’t? Yes. 04. Right now, would it be scarier for things to dramatically change, or for things to stay exactly the same? It terrifies me to think that things will just stay the same and never get any better. That’s how it feels. If things dramatically changed for the worst, then yeah that would obviously be very scary. Although, things dramatically changing for the better could be scary, too... things have been this way for the past few years and I just wouldn’t know what to do with myself I don’t think. I’d have to make other changes as well. My life would changed a lot. 05. What was the last thing you lost sleep over? I just have a shitty sleep schedule.

06. If you can remember what helped you fall asleep when you were a child, do those things still work? I’d watch a movie or TV until I fell asleep. I still sleep with my TV on. 07. Do you have a favorite lullaby? No. 08. Have you ever purposely avoided saying goodbye to somebody? Yes. 09. Was (or is) it difficult for you to watch your siblings mature? If you’re an only child, is it difficult to watch family members in general get older? It’s wild to me that my younger brother is turning 21 in February like....what??? I literally watched him grow up. He’s already a much more mature adult than I am and ever was and has accomplished so much. I’m SO proud of him. It makes me sad cause he still lives at home, but the day will come when he moves out and I’m gonna bawl lmao. 10. What do you imagine are the best and worst things about being famous? The fame part would be the worst. You have no privacy and everyone is watching and judging your every move. You’re critiqued on everything. People can be so damn cruel. You’re expected to keep up with appearances and look a certain way. It sounds so exhausting to me. The best part I would think would be the opportunities and getting to do what you enjoy. I’m sure you get to meet a lot of cool and interesting people and experience a lot of cool and interesting things. The money part probably isn’t too bad, ha. Though, bad can come along with that as well. All and all, I think it could be fun, but I think it could also be very exhausting, both physically and mentally. I personally have no desire for that kind of life. 11. Have you ever felt bombarded by major life events? Oh, I most certainly have. 12. Have you ever blamed an outside force for a problem you were having? Yes. 13. What’s your favorite song that was written specifically for a movie? Hmm. I know there’s songs I like from movies, but of course I’m failing to think of one at the moment and I don’t feel like thinking too long about it. 14. Have you ever known anyone that you desperately wanted to impress, for any reason? Yes. 15. Do you think the overall meaning of a song is lessened when it doesn’t come directly from the writer’s personal experiences? No. Even if the singer themselves didn’t experience what they’re singing about, some of the people listening to it have and can relate to it. 16. If you have a dream job, would you have to sacrifice anything to get it? I don’t have a dream job. 17. Have you ever been in a relationship or friendship in which you were clearly more into it than the other person? Oh yes. I often felt that way. 18. Of all the people you know, who changes most frequently? (Feel free to interpret “changes” however you want.) *shrug* 19. What moments, if any, do you hope to always remember as if they happened yesterday? I have countless memories I hope to always remember. 20. Do you find yourself getting more optimistic around New Year’s, or does that time of year have a negative affect on you? No, definitely not. Going from one calendar day/year to the next doesn’t change anything. It’s just another day. 21. If you ever imagine leaving where you live now, where do you imagine going?  I’m not sure. Definitely a different city, but likely the same state.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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mutfruittea · 5 years ago

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Fallout OC Interview

tagged by: No one, but this looks like fun and figured ‘why not?’

I’ll tag:

@mouseclarke

As well as anyone that wants to! If you were lookin’ at this and think “Oh man, that looks like fun. I wish I was tagged” CONSIDER YOURSELF TAGGED by me. ^-^

1. Choose an OC.

2. Answer them as that OC.

3. Tag 5 people to do the same. *cough*

1. What is your name?

“Samantha Wright”

2. How old are you?

“A bit over 228. Give or take a few years. It’s a long story.”

3. What do you look like?

4. Where are you from? Where do you live now? “Ha! A small town in the middle of nowhere. I was attending University, in Texas, when I met my late husband. Shortly after we got married, he joined the military and that moved us around for a while. We were stationed near Boston when he was discarded… I mean discharged from the Army. This was all before the war. Another long story. Currently I live with my family in Diamond City.”

5. What was your childhood like? “Not much to say. My mother’s family was conservative; my father’s family was liberal and I’m the result of that co-parenting situation.”

6. What groups are you friendly with? Are you allied with any factions?

“I’m the General of the Minutemen and the Overseer of Vault 88.

I’d say I’m friendly with most groups in the Commonwealth, but a few of these groups have requested to remain anonymous.”

7. Tell me about your best friend. “Oh Nicholas? You’ve gotta remember to keep hydrated around him, because he is one S A L T Y sonofagun. He’s an alright detective too. You can tell him I said that.” *wink* “His office is behind Arturo’s, just follow the neon signs. I sincerely hope that you never need his services.

All joking aside, he’s a good man and an even better friend. The more I think about it, he’s more of an older brother at this point. I’m not sure where I’d be with out his help and support.”

8. Do you have a family? Tell me about them! “My son; Shaun and Sister-in-law; Natalie. Shaun has a perpetual thirst for answers that grows increasingly difficult to quench each passing day. He’s polite, smart and accepting of everyone. Even if they are not accepting of him…

Natalie is a pistol. She’s astute, quick witted and is ALWAYS giving Piper and I a run for our money with her debates. Recently, she’s been on about exploring the Commonwealth with us. We’ve pacified her with a promise to revisit the topic at the end of the school year. Boy… is she counting down the days. Ha! Honestly, I admire that fire within her.”

9. What about a partner or partners?

“My wife, Piper… “The spine of my book, which without my pages would scatter.” I don’t recall who or what that quote is from, but it’s the closest to describing how I feel about her.”

10. Have you ever heard of The Brotherhood of Steel? What do you think about them? “I’ve heard of them. Hard to miss that massive entrance and announcement they made. I’ve worked with them sparingly. Our core morals and values don’t always line up.”

11. Who are your enemies, and why?

“The usual characters; Raiders, Gunners, Super Mutants, aggressive wildlife, etc. Preston doesn’t like it, but I usually don’t fire the first shot. I’d never ask this of those is one of our settlement or even of the Minutemen under my charge. It’s just a personal choice. I like make sure I’m not accidentally targeting a non-hostile. Yes, I lose the attack of opportunity, but there have been some close calls in the past.” *Pats Dogmeat’s head*

12. What about The Enclave? *apparent forced smile* “I haven’t had the pleasure.”

13. How do you feel about Super Mutants? “One of the reasons I rarely fire the first shot. The FEV process is brutal, but inconsistent. I’ve met a few Super Mutants that were altered physically, but not mentally. Interestingly enough, I discovered this anomaly is not isolated to just the Commonwealth. After some research and asking around, this has happened before in different areas around the States. Mind you, these are just rumors and personal experience.”

14. Have you ever fought a Deathclaw? “Oh yeah. OOOooohhh yeahhh.”

15. What’s the craziest fight you’ve ever been in? “The craziest? Oh my, it would have to be when defending the U.S.S. Constitution with Ironsides. Never in a million years would I have imagined myself fighting scavengers off a land-bound ship along, side a robot that fired missiles and wore a bicorn hat. If it wasn’t for the evidence on top of that skyscraper, I’d think It was just a fever dream.”

16. Do you like fighting? “No, but there are times when a person is called to do things they don’t particularly enjoy.”

17. What’s your weapon of choice?

“I know it’s controversial, but I rarely leave home without my laser riffle. Especially since Shaun built most of the modifications on it. It’s sentimental to me if nothing else.”

18. How do you survive? Your wits, your charm, your skills, brute force, some combination? (a.k.a. what’s your S.P.E.C.I.A.L?) “I’m not the strongest, perceptive or most agile. My mother used to say I had “the endurance of a goldfish on land, but could sell a scuba tank to a seahorse.” I’m not entirely sure that was a compliment or not.”

[[ S 4 - P 4 - E 4 - C 10 - I 7 - A 4 - L 10 ]]

19. Have you ever been in a vault? What do you think about them? “Yes, I have… I think what VaultTech has done is deplorable. The idea of a safe place to survive the war was a good one, but the human testing was not. While not all the experiments caused bodily or even psychological harm, the subjects were unaware, let alone consenting, of being participants.

The Vaults themselves are standing the test of time pretty well and make excellent, secured settlements. I’ve been working with the Overseer of Vault 81, another Vault where the scheduled experiments failed. Her advice has been essential in establishing Vault 88, though… we have a BIT more of an open-door policy.”

20. How do you beat all the radiation around here? Has it affected you?

“Avoiding it when I can, wearing a hazmat suit when I can’t, keeping Rad-X and Rad Away on hand. Preventative practices are best, but not always an option. The best advice I received was, “Early intervention is key. It’s easier to treat light radiation exposure than fully progressed radiation poisoning.”

21. What’s your favorite wasteland critter? “I have a soft spot for deathclaws. My wife calls them “human meat grinders” and I 100% agree… but damn they look cool.”

22. What’s your least favorite wasteland critter? “Molerats for sure. They can swarm and surround you if you’re not careful. Not to mention they are a nightmare for crops.”

23. How do you feel about robots?

*Shrugs* “If they’re non-hostile, I have nothing against them. We have a settlement run entirely by robots. I happily attended the Zwicky wedding. Lovely couple by the way. Codsworth has been a family friend even BEFORE the war.”

24. How many caps do you have on you right now? “I’d prefer not to answer that, if it’s all the same to you.”

25. Nuka Cola or Sunset Sarsaparilla? “Ooo, Nuka Cola has good variety of flavors.”

26. Do you do chems? “No. Nothing against those who do. “As long as you’re not hurting anyone.”

27. Do you ever think about the Pre-War world? “Sometimes. Certain dates and places bring back memories, but I try to remain as present as possible. That life is gone…”

28. What’s your deepest regret? What would you do differently? [It’s noted that after being asked this question, Samantha looked over the interviewer’s shoulder into another room; where a woman was doing dishes and two children laughing while attempting to put together a mini robot model]

“I have none. No regrets.”

29. What’s your biggest achievement? Or what do you hope to achieve? “Rebuilding the Minutemen is something I’m proud of, but it was a collective effort. I don’t think I can claim that as a personal achievement. As far as what do I hope to achieve? I’m not sure. I don’t measure life by what I have accomplished or what I will accomplish. I’m just a regular person doing my best.”

30. What do you want for the future? For yourself? Your friends? The world?

“I want to be part of a safer Commonwealth. Everyone coming together not jut in crisis, but in celebration as well. With the Institute gone there is more of a chance for that to happen, but we have along way to go. It may not happen in our lifetime, but we can lay the groundwork for future generations.”

#piper #piperwright #samantha #samanthawright #fallout #fallout4 #fallout 4

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thelifeofkaiblog · 5 years ago

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Tomorrow will be a game changer.

•*•*• 16th December 2019 •*•*•

My dad’s mum “Agnes” (85ish) has been emotionally abusive for 50+ years. She had 3 kids: A, B and C. My dad is B and the other two are his sisters (one 2 years older, one 2 years younger). A was her favourite, then C, then Dad. She was deliberately intimidating, very strict, Never happy with him and told him he’d always be useless. A could almost never do anything wrong in her eyes and C got a level of it somewhere between my dad and A.

All 3 had 2 children each. A had “Abbie” (26) and “Aaron” (23). B had me (24) and my brother (21). C had “Carly” (26) and “Celia” (21). Abbie, Aaron and Carly are all joint favourites of Agnes. Then Celia and my brother are next. I’m not even on the board. I don’t know why, but she has always been nasty to me whenever we visited.

She also spoke down to me about my mum and almost tried to make my dad leave her, saying she “trapped” him by getting pregnant with me when they had only known each other for a few months. Even though she had never said she was proud of my dad or even liked him, she still didn’t think my mum was good enough - I think she meant not good enough to be linked to her, rather than not good enough for her son that she didn’t treat very well. I’d say that’s partly why she doesn’t like me, but she has been fine with my brother.

Growing up, we saw her once or twice a year. My dad’s dad “Benny” was nice enough, but her being horrible to me and cold to my mum put us off going. When I was about 12, my Mum stopped going to see them completely, aside from the rare family gathering with A, C and their families. None of my cousins liked me. Aaron and Celia were close, as were Abbie and Carly, but my brother and I were outsiders - though Celia and Aaron were nicer to him than Carly and Abbie were to me. They became bitchy as teenagers and have stayed that way ever since - even my parents find them unpleasant. Celia was lovely, until she hit 15 and started becoming like the other two. Aaron seems to be the only one fairly happy to talk to us when we’re there, though he doesn’t really talk to me.

A is one of those people who puts on a nice exterior, but is quite snobby and looks down on you - like a subtler version of Agnes. C is a bit blunt with her thoughts and feelings, but she’s a pretty nice person. She seems to have a genuine interest in me on the rare occasion we see her, which is refreshing.

Aside from 31st May this year, I hadn’t seen any of them since Benny’s funeral in September 2017. Since I was 13 or 14, my parents gave me a choice whether or not to visit Agnes and Benny because of how Agnes treated me - though my dad was in denial, but my mum wasn’t. She said it’s not fair to force me to go through that every time, even if it was just once or twice a year. Agnes would send birthday and Christmas cards to me, like she would to the others, but she always treated me badly in person and I wasn’t allowed to say anything because it would come back to bite my dad.

On 31st May, I decided to give her a chance, as she was a widow and I was hoping she may have softened a bit with age. I should have known better. She ignored me for the first couple of hours, only talking to my dad and brother - but that was expected and I called my nan (Mum’s mum) to vent and I explained that I’d mentally prepared a speech, just in case she went off on me. My nan told me to try to get through it and stay “invisible”, which was already my plan, so it’s what I did. My nan knows Agnes hasn’t been nice to me, but she didn’t realise how nasty she was - it was mostly denial because my nan tries to ignore the bad in people.

Agnes, my dad, my brother and I went to a pub for lunch. Pub portions are often big. When my brother ate all of his, she said nothing. When my dad left some, she said nothing. When I left a little, she had a dig at me. If I’d have eaten it all, she’d have had a dig at me. I just tried to ignore her. I told my dad in private and he asked if I was sure she’d said something. For once, my brother backed me up and said she did. My dad told me we wouldn’t stay with her much longer, so to try to ignore her.

We got back to her house and she finally started talking to me. She asked about my job. My dad hadn’t given her the heads up that I had to leave my job when my health deteriorated. I sat there like a deer in headlights, not knowing what to say. I looked at my dad, hoping he’d take over, but he didn’t. I explained why I’d had to leave - more frequent chronic pain flare ups and one started up at work (incredibly painful and embarrassing) that lasted on and off for seven days. My doctor wrote me off as indefinitely too ill to work because I was in pain most days, with no pattern, so no reliability for work.

She scoffed and essentially tore into me about how she believes my health problems are all because I’m 7 stone overweight. She didn’t even have to shout it, she was just pushing it on to me. I was gobsmacked and had no idea what say. I looked to my dad and brother, who were both on their phones. I was desperate for one of them to intervene and tell her to shut up. They did nothing. I was being hounded by her about my weight, as though I hadn’t just told her my doctor has signed me off for genuine illnesses and conditions that I’d had for a long time.

I couldn’t hold it in any more. I was holding back tears and I politely, but firmly told her that she had absolutely no idea what she was talking about, she was not a doctor and I was tired of her always picking on me. She denied it, but I told her I’d had enough because she’d been doing it my whole life and I wasn’t going to take it any more. I stood up, turned to my dad and asked him why he was letting her do this to me. I asked him for the car keys and said I’d wait in the car until he was ready to leave. She tried to stop me, but I shrugged her off and told her to leave me alone, then I locked myself in the car.

My dad spoke to her in the house and came out to tell me she was bothered that she’d upset me, but he understood. I told him I felt betrayed that he hadn’t said anything to stand up for me. I cried the 2 hour drive home and, when I got home, my mum was really disappointed that my dad hadn’t intervened. It’s been 7 months and Agnes still hasn’t apologised or called to check on me. My dad has seen her a few times since, so she’s had chances, but she’s convinced she’s right. She’s done more damage than she could ever imagine and doesn’t care. I’m expendable.

A few days ago, she sent Christmas money, as usual. I told my dad I don’t feel comfortable accepting it because of everything she’s done. He understood, but said he wouldn’t said it back because it would be rude. I decided to write her a letter explaining why I didn’t want to accept it and that I’d be happy to explain about my health if she promises to be open-minded. I showed it to my parents to get their approval before sending it. The ball will be in her court once it arrives tomorrow. She either apologised and genuinely makes up for it, or I cut her out of my life. I feel more free, now that I’ve sent it. She doesn’t deserve another chance, but I’m giving her one for my dad’s sake. I just hope Agnes or his older sister don’t give him crap about it. I don’t think his younger sister would because she knows what their mum is like, even if she didn’t get it like I have.

This is my letter....

“Dear _______,

I find this letter hard to write because I’m worried it won’t be given a fair chance, but I have something important to say. I truly appreciate the money you have generously sent me for Christmas, but I am reluctant to accept it.

All I have ever wanted from you is acceptance and understanding. I don’t want the last time we speak to be negative, but I also can’t subject myself to any more insensitive judgement. The illnesses and disabilities I have, along with the constant battle for decent medical care, are difficult enough to deal with, without added negativity from anyone else - especially if they don’t know what I’ve been through and haven’t shown an interest in finding out.

I have always wanted to feel unconditionally loved and supported by you, but the nitpicking whenever I visited has made me feel less than compared to (names redacted - my cousins and brother). Its pushed me away.

I know you may not recognise that you have done this, but my parents have two and keeping the peace meant not saying anything about it for years. You also probably didn’t mean any harm, but it has damaged our relationship and how I feel about myself.

I am very grateful for your gift, but I don’t feel comfortable accepting it. Dad has said he can’t return it, but understands why I’m hesitant to receive it.

If you ever wish to try to understand me and my challenges, I am more than happy to try to explain it, but I’d need you to be open to learning about me without judgement or dismissal. It is much more complex than you believe and I hope you can Sunday accept and acknowledge that because I don’t want this to be the end of our relationship, but I won’t let people hurt me anymore.

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and a great New Year. Please take care.

Best Wishes,

(My name redacted).

#journal #tlokb #thelifeofkaiblog #letter #last chance #abuse #emotional abuse #family #conflict #health #health issues #illness #disability #hope #new year #christmas #pain #hurt

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rawwithlove-storyteller-blog · 5 years ago

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A Love Story

He took me to an ice cream parlour in London on one of our first dates. As we sat enjoying our desserts, he told an astonishing tale of his past and I absorbed it, having never removed my eyes from his gaze. The ice cream melted as he offloaded, each detail more shocking than the next. To protect his privacy, I won't get into details, but many of my friends would have gotten up and walked away. I didn't; I was intrigued. I wanted to know more.

In the months to come we became good friends. I wanted to be around him all the time. I never knew what he would do or where he would take me. It could be the cinema or an impulsive trip to Paris, either option was offered with the ease of asking “so how do you take your coffee?” He was the quiet man who would sit in the corner of a room whilst simultaneously being in control the show. Our time together was extravagant and reeked of easy money - made so easy, it’s money to be spent.

On a trip to Mauritius, as it came to an end, we sat in a romantic candlelit restaurant looking at our menus. He spoke to me very clearly and calmly. After the trip had ended we were to return to London and he never wanted to see me again. It had been months of him demonstrating his desire to be with me. The trips, gifts, and time spent together were his way of courting me. I had always politely rejected his advances, giving just enough to show interest but concealing my emotions. He wasn't my usual type. His past was dark. His current situation… well, the less I knew the better.

He stood by his word and refused to speak to me. I wrote, called, and all but pleaded, but he ignored my advances. It was only once I lost him that I realized just how extraordinary he was. Having achieved all that he had, despite his past, and being so humble was inspiring to me. I desired him and was willing to do whatever it took to get him back. He, in return, had put his guard up and there was no penetrating it. I wanted to be with him so, when we finally met, before he could utter a single word I kissed him. Our first kiss. He had made his point loud and clear and I would no longer play any games; I was his.

"He had made his point loud and clear and I would no longer play any games; I was his. "

Our relationship finally began.

Soon after we became inseparable. The relationship was adventurous and excessive. He was incredibly generous. We were the underprivileged ones with difficult upbringings - we weren't meant to live the way we did. We felt invincible. I loved him without condition.

I had found the person I could finally open up to about my past. The many events I had chosen to forget, my experiences of love, love lost, pain, and secrets. To this day I don't think there is anyone in the world that knows me as well as he does. To be that open and accepted was something I had never felt before; I was at peace.

We sat in bed one day and I told him a story.

It was the story of the human heart. I believe that when we’re born, our heart is filled with the purity of having never experienced any pain. It’s vibrant and full of joy. As we get older, though, and feel the disappointments of life, our hearts become a bit more wounded. A dent here, a scratch there.

In my youth I experienced enough pain to last a lifetime. My heart took a beating. Like a man returning from battle, I was wounded but functioning. I didn’t have much left that resembled a heart, so it became even more precious.

I held my hand up and showed him my open palm, where an imaginary, fragile heart lay. Then I closed it tightly. Too much had happened to me and I was riddled with fear, as I loved him deeply. If I placed what little I had left in his hands and he were to hurt me, well… I’d have nothing left to give. It could destroy me and it was a risk I wasn’t sure I should take.

He looked me in the eyes, having realized the importance of what I was saying, and opened my closed palm. he took the imaginary heart and held it to his chest. “Leave it with me,” he said, “and I’ll protect it from now on as you heal.” For the first time in my adult life I felt truly loved by a man. My heart strengthened.

We were married in a town hall. It was a small ceremony with only two close friends who also served as witnesses. I wore a dress which I bought off the rack for £15. He looked amazing in his designer suit. As we read our vows, I cried.

Unbeknownst to us, the marriage would be our downfall. The timer had started and it was the beginning of the end.

He came from a religious and strict Muslim family. Their culture was so different to mine and they had expectations of us which I could not meet. I had always been a free butterfly, off on a new adventure and filled with a joie de vivre, free to live my life without structure. Only now, I had the man I loved by my side. He embraced and accepted me even as some members in his family rejected the adventurous western woman. I wasn't going to set a good example for his sisters and community. I wasn't going to convert to Islam.

It didn’t matter much as neither of us were religious. As the years went by, he always stood by my side despite his family’s disapproval. It wasn't that they disliked me as a person, it was that they knew I would never be like them. He had a son from a previous marriage and his son became my son. I loved him as if he were my own.

Life wasn't always perfect, but it was ours. We were each other’s escape and strength. It really felt like it was just us in the world, living in a luxurious bubble.

Then the bubble burst.

A criminal case, which he assumed had been closed years ago, had been reopened. He was being charged and the penalty was up to 12 years in prison.

We were devastated. We imagined our only worry in life was the decision or whether or not to convert religions; now it was whether he would stay or leave.

The day he was taken, we spent the morning in bed lying in each other’s arms. It had been organized that he was to be extradited to another country later that afternoon. He never asked me if I would stay with him and I never declared that I would wait. I would wait, though. His prison sentence became my prison sentence.

It was decided he would serve 18 months, I found out during one of our daily calls. I told him it would be alright and to be strong. I’d take care of the rest. He was always my rock and now it was my turn to be his. I was suffering, but I never let him know. He held my heart and I wanted to be his reason to keep going.

It was also around this time that I began to live two separate lives. I chose not to tell anyone of his prison sentence, instead opting for a fake breakup before miraculously getting back together when he returned. He had left on a long business trip and no-one would see him for 18 months. I was embarrassed by the thought of potential gossip and being judged. I was ashamed that if I told anyone the truth then I’d have to come to terms with the crippling pain of our separation. Family and friends would certainly ask me to leave him; I was young and could start over, they would say. We weren't the perfect couple, after all. There were two close childhood friends which I confided in, as well as my mother. Many of my closest family and friends will be shocked, as they will only find out when they read this.

"Many of my closest family and friends will be shocked, as they will only find out when they read this."

Two lives, one person. Sometimes I was the supportive wife, picking up my stepson from my husband’s ex and having him for our designated weekends. Liaising with the solicitors. Accepting daily calls from prison. Other times I was the grieving ex, not quite ready to date again. When friends pushed for me to move on, I simply said I needed more time. Ensuring I never painted him in a bad light, I was awaiting his return.

We wrote each other 100 love letters during his sentence. It was exciting to get home and receive a beautiful bouquet of roses. Even in prison, he didn't forget an anniversary or Valentine’s day. He was always romantic. He continued to support me and I continued to support him.

Finally, the sentence was over and he returned home. He was a different man from the one I knew, worn down and defeated. He never complained and I never saw him cry. There was no self-pity. He just wanted to get on with his life, so we didn’t speak of it again. We had reconciled and I was happy to have my heart back.

The topic of converting to Islam became more prevalent with his return. He would do anything in the world for me, and I anything for him - except convert my religion. It became a stubborn battle of wills.

We tried our best to not bring it up. Neither of us liked confrontation or arguments. We were a perfect fit otherwise, but there was always the elephant in the room. He had become religious and wanted me to join him on the same path.

I want to be clear that I respect Islam and all religions. I have a Quran. I educated myself on this beautiful religion, which is often misunderstood. It’s based on sound ideals that I admire and aim to follow, but it simply wasn't my path. I tried to be more open to converting, but it didn't come naturally. I asked God for guidance and decided I would continue without a religion, remaining spiritual.

We moved and travelled to other countries. Perhaps a change of continent would change our ideals and help us in our vision of the future; it didn't.

It all came to a head one bright and sunny afternoon as we drove in Cape Town. He was leaving me, having become unable to come to terms with my desire not to convert. I jumped out of the car and walked along the ocean’s boardwalk. I walked until darkness literally overcame me. It was over and I was to return to London without him.

They say time heals everything, but I disagree. As the months went by, I felt progressively worse. I was traumatized. I had given him all I had left of my heart. I had nothing left to give - not even enough left to love myself. This double life had taken its toll on me. I lost his son as well. it was too much to bear.

I left to visit an aunt in Colombia. She lived on a farm out in the countryside with stunning views of the West Andes mountains. It was stripped down to the vital necessities but incredibly charming - no electricity and no need to check my phone. I had escaped as far as I could go.

We sat on rocking chairs facing the mountains and she asked me what was wrong. I told her everything. The ice cream parlour, the trips, the romance, the son, the prison sentence. The double life. The religion and having lost my heart.

I needed to tell someone to extract this pain which was torturing my mind. The words flowed out like a poisonous venom. I cried often and would pause only to find I had even more to eliminate. She sat in silence, rocking in her chair, listening but never making eye contact. At some point I released the last bit of poison and was exhausted. I observed her peacefully rocking away. How could she be so calm? My world had ended. I lost the human that knew me the most. I was shattered and had lost my joie de vivre.

Finally, she broke her silence and asked if I had told her everything. Could it be that I’d missed a detail? No, I pondered, I had told her everything. I offloaded it all. There was nothing left to be said. “Good,” she said, “If there’s nothing left to be said, then it’s a thing of the past. Move on.”

And just like that, I felt a sense of relief flow through my body. I was resurrected. It was over and my life began again.

Much has happened after as I began to rebuild. I travelled solo for 8 months in search of simplicity and peace of mind.

I did see him again. We spoke about what we had gone through. He apologized for if he ever made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. It was not his intention as he loved me entirely. He just knew we had a different future ahead of us. I told him of my travels and living in the jungles - of all the amazing people and experiences I had discovered as I fell in love with myself again. I was healing and had my heart back; a new one I created from within. He was proud of me. I was still the butterfly that never clipped my wings.

We are no longer in contact. Occasionally I have heard of him or seen him in the background of a picture. We don’t share mutual friends. I don’t know what country he lives in.

We used to say that our last thought on our deathbed would be of each other. He was the man that met me as a girl and saw me flourish into a woman. I will forever treasure our time together and, despite the pain, there’s nothing I would change about it.

There is so much I chose not to disclose to protect his identity and story. This story covers 6 years and countless cities around the world.

However, if he were to ever read this, I want him to know this is my last love letter to him. I want him to know I live a life full of love and he will always occupy a space in my growing heart, till our deathbed and beyond.

#love

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sunsiac · 6 years ago

Text

king and queen / jaehyun [1]

genre: murder mystery, romance, angst

member: Jaehyun

word count: 1.3k

warnings: none

summary: a young prince and a knight's daughter are an unlikely pair, but nonetheless, these two were attached at the hip as children. Without any royal duty or stress, it proved to be an unexpected yet beautiful friendship. even as they grew up together, they only developed to be more inseparable.they proved this when she, hakyeong, turned 16, and he, jaehyun, gave her one of the most precious gifts he could; both of their first kisses. but it was bad timing. their respective responsibilities dawned on them quicker than they would've imagined, forcing them to grow apart. 5 years later, the both of them 21, meet again after jaehyun's older brother who is about to be crowned king is found dead. A string of murders throughout the castle force them to come together and find the one behind it before one of them is next.

—

HAKYEONG :

My parents, both being knights, were away often. But when I had heard as a child that my parents wouldn't be coming back, I knew I wasn't as sad as I should've been.

Because, I thought, 'well, how different could it be?'

It was different, it was probably all too different for someone that young to understand at first. But fortunately, before I realised the whole of everything, I was taken in by someone. A friend of my mother's.

That was when I met the person that changed, honestly, everything.

Because, though I've lived in the kingdom for many years, I can confidently say that I've never met anyone like him. Even as an 8-year-old, he was probably one of the most interesting people I'd ever met to this day.

Maybe it was because he was a prince, but I like to think otherwise.

I met him thanks to my adoptive brother, Yuta, who used to tell me about a quiet kid that he saw around occasionally. When I eventually ran into him myself one day, I remember him having a special charm that a lot of other kids didn't at that age. He was chivalrous and charismatic all while still being a mischievous little kid.

So, when he finally admitted that he was a prince a couple months later, I wasn't very surprised.

One of the fondest memories I have of him is from when we were both around 10, and he had suddenly asked me,

"Hakyeong, would you want to be queen when you grow up?"

I remember looking at him with such confusion.

"What are you saying, Jaehyun? I can't become queen. I'm going to be a knight." I'd laughed.

He shook his head, "Sure you can! My mom said that one day I'd have to pick a queen to be with me. So why can't it be you?"

It warms my heart when I remember how genuinely confused he was about this.

"Because, to be a queen, I'd have to marry you. And princes can't marry knights."

"Then I'll marry you as a king!"

He was my best friend for almost all of my life, and I had so many memories with him that were so precious to me.

When we were 12, we abandoned everything for a bit and spent the day by a creek. When I went home later that night, my clothes soaked through, I had gotten so many questions from my adoptive parents. But I did nothing but smile.

When we were 15, we both were the right age to take horses out from the farm near my house. I remember his horse always stopping to eat the weeds on the sides of the road. I teased him about it for years.

When I turned 17, we both gave each other our first kisses.

He was such a big piece in my life, more than anyone else had ever been. But, we were forced to grow apart at that point. Though we both knew that sooner or later, we'd both see each other less to learn what it took to be a knight and a prince, we didn't think we'd cut off all contact.

Of course, we tried at first. But, a knight and a prince's schedules often have a hard time of lining up. So, inevitably, we grew apart.

I knew neither of us wanted it to happen, but even if I didn't like to admit it, we were probably better off this way. If we had the same kind of relationship we did when we were younger, we'd never get anything done.

There are a million reasons that we're better off strangers, but sometimes I still wonder what it would be like if we weren't.

But if one thing's for sure, it would be more difficult than before. Not only because we've both changed, but because around a year ago or so, the king was diagnosed with a sickness that no one could identify. All we knew after that was that he'd pass away at some point, we just didn't know how or when. And although he'd been mostly fine, he's been bedridden for most of the past months.

Even I didn't know how I would talk to him about that.

Now, they were already making plans to crown the oldest; Jung Hyeonsik, Jaehyun's older brother. And I was genuinely happy for him, considering that we were always friends. Still, definitely more so after I began training to become a knight, though. He always led lessons, and, well, because I already knew him, we became better friends.

And, I enjoyed Hyeonsik's company because it was like one of the only pieces that hadn't changed much after I turned 17. Because, even after Jaehyun and I had grown apart, and I learned to live in the castle, Hyeonsik still always found time to talk to me.

And I was so grateful for that, because it was lonely at first, coming to a place that I wasn't very familiar with. And though I didn't live very far from the castle, the setting was quite different from what I was used to.

But because of him, I quickly got used to it. Quicker than I thought I would. Because, even though life was plain for a while, I was as happy as I could be. And I hoped that it would never end, the little talks we had in the middle of sword fighting, or the reassuring he always gave me that Jaehyun and I's schedules really just didn't match up.

But it did. It ended in the absolute worst way possible. It ended with blood.

—

The first thing that I saw that night when I came into Hyeonsik's room was blood. So much of it. I wanted to look away badly, the display in front of me breaking my heart and disgusting me at the same time.

It was gruesome to say to the least. Though everything was gathered into more or less one spot, the bedsheets his inanimate body lay on were soiled through with blood, the blankets letting drops of it drip down onto the tile floor below. I remember putting a hand to my mouth almost immediately at the sight, a wave of emotion crashing down on me. Thankfully, no one in the room paid attention to nor minded the tears that came soon after.

Besides myself, there was only a small group of people -around 4 or 5- in the room, making the atmosphere eerily silent. The only sounds were the faint whispers of a few who were standing near his body, and the cries of a pair standing not too far behind them.

One of them was Hyeonsik's wife, Soyeon, who after of a few circumstances, was another close friend of mine. She was a normally postured woman, but she was now crouched down close to the ground, hands over her face. You could tell from the colour of her skin and the sobs that racked through her body that she was crying hard.

And it just seemed to be getting worse as I looked around.

The other was someone I recognised immediately, even from the door. He wasn't exactly sobbing like Soyeon, but he was obviously just as much of a wreck. Jaehyun's expression mimicked my own, his tear-stricken cheeks making my heart break just a sliver more than it already had.

I didn't know what to do at that point. I knew, that I should probably go up to him and say something, but at that moment, I didn't have the courage to do anything.

—

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