#it was a complicated situation with a lot of nuance neither of us were willing to see at the time

[parkersrevenge]

An Open Letter to my Ex-Best Friend

I’ve never once posted about any of this publicly, but since you and others have, I feel like I should at least clear the air. I feel stupid even putting this on a public forum, I'm way too old for this. But this whole situation was complicated, and it honestly felt nice to have it all written out at last:

Dear Sarah,

Sometimes, friends grow apart. Sometimes we find ourselves in different places in our lives, and they aren’t always compatible. I didn’t want to down-grade our friendship. We just had very different definitions of what friendship entailed. I have friends that I haven’t seen or talked to in months–but when we talk again it’s like nothing has changed. I don’t love them any less than the people I talk to every day. And damn it, I loved you deeply

But every time we talked, every time we hung out, I couldn’t find the connection and companionship that always felt so easy before. And that was not your fault. It absolutely wasn’t. We were just naturally drifting apart. I was in a relationship, with a large friend group, and every time I tried to include you in it you never seemed to want to. I tried to include you in dnd–you rarely ever attended. I tried to invite you to group hangouts–you never wanted to go into town. And I don’t blame you for that. I never blamed you for being introverted, but it wasn’t my responsibility to drag you kicking and screaming into sociability either. You blamed me for not being invited to another person’s birthday party–that wasn’t my call. You got upset when I would forget to update you about what was going on in the mutual friend groups we were in, when you never made any effort to stay included.

Most damningly, you never made any effort to befriend my partner for years, and only tried when we started to drift apart. You wanted me all to yourself. You wanted us to be inseparable, like we had been before. And I will always cherish those days. But in my late 20s, I was settling down into a life you didn’t want for yourself. I know we both wanted to be a part of each other’s lives, but had very different ideas of what that would look like. I cannot blame you for that. But I refuse to blame myself for it, either, when neither of us could find a compromise that made us both happy.

I know you’ll probably never see this, but I do want you to know that I am sorry for the things that I know I did wrong. I was immature. I did ghost you, when I was too much of a coward to express all this in person. I did stop putting effort in. And I’m sorry. I’ll never be able to fix that, and I know that broke your heart. I am truly, deeply sorry, and you have every right to never forgive me for it.

But I never lied to you. And if you still blame me for everything wrong with the torpedoing of our friend group, and not Mike, then it is definitely for the best that this friendship is over. Because in the end, whether you like it or not, you chose to ultimately side with a transphobic bully who made everyone uncomfortable at every opportunity, and his ex-girlfriend who coddled and protected him over doing what was right. At every stage early on I tried to make things right with her, but I could not–I WOULD NOT–apologize to him. And because of that, she chose to blacklist me when the inciting incident wasn’t even MY IDEA.

And that’s not my anxiety and low self-esteem. Mike was a cruel man, who found joy in making people upset. How many times did we vent and cry together over how horrible he made us both feel? And if defending myself, my partner, and what I thought were my friends, against his bullying makes me the villain? I accept that. I’d gladly do it again.

 I don’t even know why I’m writing this. I guess there’s a part of me that hopes that you might see it. Maybe it’ll at least bring us both some closure. But if not, I just want to end with this: I am genuinely apologizing for the things I absolutely did wrong, but I am also not going to accept fault for everything that went wrong. That's simply not the reality of the situation.

Most importantly, I do hope you’re having a good life. I really mean that. I do think about you a lot. I miss you. I genuinely want you to be happy.

I really hope you are.

[ladyartemesia]

Since I'm in love with your writings and your taste in reading too. I know that your favorite is Brother's best friend or Best friend's brother, I would like for you to recommend me some of them please ❤️❤️🙏

꧁Brother’s Best Friend꧂

Clandestine by @junghelioseok is fantastic. Jeon Jungkook is the best friend of the reader’s slightly younger brother. He’s sexy and charismatic and DEFINITELY knows what he wants. The growth of his (clandestine) connection with the reader is utterly delicious. This one made me laugh and swoon.

Guarded by @xjoonchildx is basically legendary in my book. The lady in this story is not only Hoseok’s best friend’s sister—she is also his BOSS’s sister and by boss I mean mafia. This is the first installment in Ana’s amazing Rap Line Mafia Universe and it delivers on every level. Hoseok is tasked with protecting the boss’s sister after she is being threatened by sinister forces unknown and sparks fly.

Plums and Melons by @winetae is THAT FIC. The fic I just daydream about sometimes. It’s a fic about two people caught hard in eachother’s gravity. It’s so sexy and cerebral and the main characters are so hot. Jimin is just a guy trying to live his life, but whatever is brewing between him and his best friend’s sister is driving him insane. He wants to be a good guy, but she just isn’t playing fair.

Are You Sure? by @cutechim is such a swoon-worthy and touching piece of wonderful. I tell you I was MOVED. This is beautiful and emotional and EXTREMELY satisfying. Taehyung’s best friend has a sister who he has always secretly adored. When she comes to him and asks for some intimate experience, he isn’t strong enough to say no—not when she’s everything he ever wanted.

Drivers License and Detour by @gyukult is sweet and tender and just a fantastic coming of age story. The reader has been in love with her brother’s best friend, Park Jimin, for almost all of her youth... but what is going on in his head?It’s a tender story that really warms the heart. AND I am happy there is more coming. I would read about these two all day. She published the second part and oh my gosh it’s so incredibly perfect I could scream. This was just such a beautiful journey every step of the way.

Milestone by @1kook is probably one of the first brother’s best friend BTS fics I read and it is amazing. I adore it so much. Because Jungkook is your brother’s best friend he is there for every milestone in your life. But you’ve both grown up now and neither of you are kids anymore. It’s hot. Like really hot. Dialogue and set up are so sharp and fast paced I really loved every second.

Young God by @njssi is scorching hot smut with complicated feelings and warm revelations. You think it’s going somewhere and then it goes somewhere else and honestly it is so awesome the whole time. Jungkook was always your brother’s sweet little friend, but he’s returned determined to show you that he is all grown up.

Tease by @caiuscassiuss floored me. I loved it so much! I spent the whole story just squealing happily about everything. This story has it all. It’s scorching hot. It’s enemies-to-lovers. It’s Taehyung. Jungkook’s sister and Kim Taehyung do not get along AT all—so she decides to bring him to his knees by making him desperate for her. It’s a wild and completely awesome ride.

Wasabi by @ironicarmy is a classic. Hobi is a bad boy that Namjoon vehemently refuses to let near his precious baby sister. But love is too strong a force and soon Hobi and the clever object of his desire decide that some things are worth fighting for. It’s a really sweet story of facing challenges and relying on the people you love. Warm and fuzzy feelings abound, but it’s also super hot.

Forbidden by @btssmutgalore is a masterwork blueprint for this trope. Hobi is a carefree player who falls brutally for Taehyung’s sister. They two of them eventually give in to a VERY steamy series of secret encounters and feelings get very involved. This is hot, suspenseful, and emotionally satisfying. Excellent characterizations as well.

Prohibido by @personasintro is an office AU with a twist. Namjoon is not only her brother’s best friend, he is also her boss and the two of them have incredible chemistry. Watching them pretend that they’re not insanely attracted to each other is so endearing and hot. Reader is convinced her feelings are one-sided. It’s lovely and fun. Definitely a slow burn, but worth it.

Strawberry Kisses by @kimnjss is a fic that I devoured in one sitting and then re-read again immediately. Jeon Jungkook is a player who matches with a girl on a dating app and has no idea she is the sister of his revered mentor and close friend, Min Yoongi. I laughed. I cried. I GASPED OUT LOUD a bunch. It was a whole thing. This is a hybrid social media/written AU and it’s pretty much perfect.

Tempestuous by @ppersonna is so special to me because it was written at the very beginning of my friendship with Lindy. She was looking for requests and I was quick to request my favorite trope. Lindy is bae now and this fic she wrote is marvelous. You are forced to spend the weekend in the same house with your sexy arch-rival Taehyung who just so happens to be your brother’s best friend. Naturally snarky hotness ensues.

Off Limits @floralseokjin is basically a famous entry when it comes to this trope. It’s a Jin fic and Miss Jordan writes EXQUISITE Jin characterizations. There is a hint of mistaken (or unknown) identity in this one which makes it even more fun. Sparks fly between you and a devilishly charming Kim Seokjin at a party. You don’t find out until later who he really is—and why he’s off limits.

And finally I’ll recommend my own Brother’s Best Friend fic All I Want for Christmas is You featuring a charming Taehyung who falls for Jimin’s sister. Jimin basically blackmails his best friend into escorting his sister to several holiday galas. Tae and Jimin’s sister have never gotten along, but they soon discover (through multiple pranks and mishaps) that love (and desire) are out of their control.

Not Your Fairytale by @yeojaa is incredibly sweet and tender. Erin really does emotion so well and her Yoongi characterization is honestly so nuanced and brilliant. This story is about a girl who had her heart broken and instead of canceling the cake tasting she scheduled with her philandering ex-fiancé, she wrangles the tsundere best friend of her brother to pretend to be him.

Brother’s Best Friend by @bts-hyperfixation is a short and sweet moment between two people who have been fighting their attraction for each other. It is so hot and delicious I tell you. You’re in trouble and the person you call is probably the person you shouldn’t—but you aren’t the only one willing to take a risk tonight.

Off Limits by @kaddiiction will break your heart and put it back together again. This one was recommended to me by a reader and I cannot thank them enough. It is fantastic. Jimin is a player but he crosses the line when he begins a liaison with his best friend’s sister. Still there is far more to this situation—and Jimin—than meets the eye.

꧁Best Friend’s Brother꧂

Orectic by @gimmesumsuga is one of my favorite fics of all time. It is a hybrid fic where the reader is a cat hybrid and Hoseok is the brother of her best friend who comes to stay with her while her bestie is away... It is so tender yet SO HOT. I’m telling you I cannot even keep count of how many times I have read it.

Theophany by @ilikemesometaetaes was a JOURNEY. It made me so emotional. Like the story centers around art a lot, but let me tell you, this fic IS art. Jimin is just the man of my whole dreams in this piece as the brother of a former best friend with an irresistible allure. It is a coming of age story with the most beautiful twist. AND THE LOVE SCENE—oh my gosh I screamed it was so good. This story is just so so good.

Run by @neonlights92 is Jungkook’s story in the mafia universe I am COMPLETELY OBSESSED WITH. You don’t have to read the whole series to understand it (BUT YOU SHOULD). This is best friend’s brother meets arranged marriage and honestly it’s fantastic. Jungkook doesn’t do love and affection and being forced into an arranged marriage with his sister’s friend who has always had a crush on him is just a blow to his freedom... or is she? GAH! This story—like all the stories in this universe—is superb.

The Magic to Happiness by @readyplayerhobi is a best friend’s brother meets teachers AU meets Hogwarts AU. Now... all of those are top tier tropes so finding them together is like winning the lottery. Hobi was once just a skinny kid who had obvious heart eyes for you (his sister’s best friend) but now he’s tall and confident and really attractive. The magic of this story is evident in every word of the sweet relationship that blooms between these two.

Problem with You by @monvante is so sweet and kind of hilarious. I giggled so much! Jungkook is your best friend’s brother and he is kind of too perfect and too handsome and he’s always around and you hate him and he hates you... Right? When you cross paths with the infuriating Jeon Jungkook at your best friend’s wedding, you discover that you may have been wrong about a great many things.

Show Me Yours and I’ll Show You Mine by @ktheist is so so SO fabulous. I was obsessed with this (now complete) series from the very first installment. You and Tae are besties who have know each other since you were little kids, but lately Tae’s older brother Jin has been lookin mighty fine. Just how far can you push him till he breaks. And if he breaks.... what then?

This list is BY NO MEANS exhaustive. I just used it to compile some of my FAVORITES in this particular trope.

➪ IF YOU HAVE ANY OTHER BROTHER’S BEST FRIEND FICS I SHOULD CHECK OUT PLEASE COMMENT (seriously please I love this trope so much) AND I WILL ADD THEM TO THIS LIST.

➪ Newer Additions are in PINK!

➪ Newest Additions are in BLUE

[letteredlettered]

Hm, I think something went wrong with the message I sent you. So sorry! I'm trying again. It seems so frivolous to ask you a question but I'm in dire need of escapism after already one week of lockdown in Germany. I hope you are ok! I've only discovered your Drarry fics beginning of this month, love them! And "Another mask behind you is really lingering. I can't seem to get over it. Brilliant!

I’m sorry it took me so long to reply to you! I know lockdown is over in Germany, but I hope you made it through okay, and thank you so much for this ask.

Since the ask is very long and my answer even longer, I have placed the remaining portions of the ask and the response under this cut. The discussion is about Another Mask Behind You, which is a Harry/Draco I wrote that involves Draco being a sex worker. It also has elements of both non-con and dub-con. If any of these topics disturb you in fiction, please take heed if you check out the fic or read the reply. I do not think this ask or answer will make sense unless you have read the fic, which I can’t really say that I recommend, though there are parts of it I like.

The way you brilliantly use searing, toe-curling sex-scenes to draw me in, but because the drivers behind the intense need for both characters are not sexual, it’s never enough, NEVER ENOUGH, and I keep getting more and more frantic as the fic progresses, just like Draco. Well done :-)The way you disregard expected tropes and make the journey so much more complicated, so much more nuanced ….. well, so much more painful – it’s just incredibly rewarding. So painful, but so rewarding. (2/7)

The brilliant way you use the unreliable narrator, always delusionally speaking through his survival-shell of shame defense, his biased perception of reality in general and Potter specifically, but especially himself. And this confrontation-scene when he finally implodes into his shame – my god, do you really want to break my heart? Seriously? (3/7)

Then the way you capture the obviously intergenerationally transmitted Malfoy-steel-spine, the “holding on to the last thread of myself in impossible circumstances” - the emotions that invokes I can’t even put into words. There is so much more I want to say, but this format is too restricted. I postest a long comment on Archiveof OurOwns. I'm getting to my question :-) (4/7)

Another thing I adore about your writing is that you write powerful endings. This fic and “Away with childish things” are so, so psychologically satisfying but with quite a bit of narrative tension unresolved - so that I’m forced to spend joyful days with filling in the gaps.However, with one gap of this fic I’m really struggling and I would love to hear your take. (5/7)

I get the struggle with the betrayal and all, but as Draco so accurately puts it “So many unfamiliar expressions had he made in the last two times Draco had seen him, that Draco was no longer sure he’d ever really known him – as though in some sense, Potter had been playing a part as much as Draco had.”I don’t see any awareness develop in Harry regarding his obvious control-compulsion, the covert objectification hidden behind feelings of “love”, that made Tristan a “safe” partner. (6/7)

It will be so bitterly precarious for Harry (not so much Draco) to ever share this side of him within a power-balanced relationship, so risky and hazardous. Will he ever be able to work himself up there? It could be potentially so incredibly cathartic but I’m not so sure. Harry would need extensive aftercare, I guess. Would love to hear your head canon and thoughts? Do you have a story in your head how things would develop between these two? Thank you so much for your art! (7/7)

For those who are interested, I replied to the full comment on AO3. I’ve reproduced most of my answer below for those who are interested:

I'm glad you enjoy the unreliable narrator, and I’m very touched you like my stories.

Regarding my endings--thank you for your kind words, but I have to say most of my H/D fics do not end the way I plan. Most of them were written in a big rush to meet a fest deadline, including this one. I was not at all satisfied with the end of this fic, but I realized that to get satisfaction from it, I would either need to rewrite the fic or write a whole sequel, because the story of Harry and Draco working toward a healthy relationship is not this fic. This fic is about getting them to a point where they might even want to work on a healthy relationship, and so by the time I got finished there was just not room to write the other things I wanted and I didn’t have time to fix it because of the deadline.

I think Harry could get to the point where he would bottom for Draco. I also think he could get to the point where there is a balance of power in their relationship. I think it would take much longer for him to get to the point where he would say that the reason he was comfortable with Tristan was because he held all the power. I honestly believe that that understanding would not come intuitively for him, that he would either need therapy or many many years to get there, possibly both.

I'm guessing you saw this, as you quoted the part about his unfamiliar expressions, but part of the point is supposed to be that Harry is lying to himself just as much as Draco, just in different ways. The way Harry sees things is:  Tristan as an essentially good person with many great qualities. Tristan's snobbery and selfishness and arrogance and entitlement and pettiness seem to be his flaws, but because Harry sees Tristan as good, Harry can accept these flaws. This leads Harry to not take the flaws very seriously--he feels they are surface attributes of someone who is deep down good. He even finds these flaws charming. When Harry finds out Draco is Tristan, because Harry believes Draco is not a good person, he takes the flaws seriously. He no longer sees them as surface attributes and takes them as evidence of Draco's deep down horrible character.

I think that because Harry still wants Draco so viscerally even after everything, and because Harry can still see all the ways that Draco is Tristan despite Draco's betrayal, Harry begins to understand that this is a very simplistic view of people and the world. Just because we're on the side that is against the side of the genocidal bigots does not make us fundamentally good, and being fundamentally good does not make our flaws light and fluffy and charming. And just because we're on the side of the genocidal bigots does not mean that nothing can be good in us, that everything you found good and lovely in us was a complete lie. Eventually, Harry learns  that Draco is a whole person, neither good nor bad in essence, just really someone who has done lots of horrible things, but has the capacity to grow beyond that. And as Draco does grow beyond that, Harry begins to love him as a whole person, rather than a black and white one.

This is the story that Harry sees and thinks that he experiences as he learns to love Draco.

However, I do believe there's another story under that, and that story is possibly one that Harry never understands.This story is about power, as you mention, but it's also about the depth of Harry's delusion. The main premise that drives this under-story is why Harry was so willing to believe Tristan was, in essence, good. Why was he so willing to see Tristan's faults as charming, when some of Tristan's snootier comments actually suggest some underlying pure-blood bigotry?

The answer is that Harry wanted to believe that. He wanted a person who wasn't real, and Tristan having flaws just made Tristan feel more real, even though he wasn't. And why does Harry want a fake? Because Harry doesn't want to be real either. He doesn't want to really share himself, or give pieces of himself he doesn't want to; he doesn't want to stop being a hero or spend time that may make himself face himself and who he is. In this fic, Harry is someone who does not know how to love except to perform acts of service, which I find believable because so much of his friendships were built on saving each other and working together to save others. He does not know how to relax, which I also find believable given all the abuse and hardship. This leads to repression and difficulty seeing to his own needs, which in this fic leads to him becoming quite controlling. In this fic he wants to relax; he wants to stop and take time with himself and those he loves, but he has become so pent-up that he doesn't know how to relax without being forced to do it.

However, being forced to relax is a loss of control, and the Harry of this fic is too messed up to find a way to do it straightforwardly. Thus, for him, hiring a sex worker means he is in control of the situation on one level, but can let go of control on another level. The fact that he wants to bottom right away with Tristan but took a long time with Weatherby (his ex in this fic) is further evidence of the fact that Harry is really only okay with ceding this control because he has a different kind of control over what is happening. It's the same, actually, with Tristan demanding that Harry not work so much and spend time with him. Harry wouldn't like it if a non-sex-worker-boyfriend were asking the same thing, because he wouldn't feel that he ultimately had control of the situation.

So, again, no, I do not think Harry would admit any of this or understand it about himself without a lot of work and time.

However, I'm just not sure he has to for Draco and him to have a happy, healthy relationship.

I think the story Harry tells himself--that he saw Tristan as good, Draco as bad, and that this is ultimately too simplistic--is actually enough for Harry to begin to let go of some of this control. Harry would have to realize, with this understanding that people are not black and white, that he wanted to spoil Tristan not just because Tristan was morally good, but because he likes to spoil people. Harry would have to realize that he enjoyed Tristan being selfish and demanding not just because Tristan was morally pristine, but because Harry actually gets hot for that kind of behavior. Harry would have to realize he enjoyed Tristan topping the fuck out of him not just because Tristan was morally flawless, but because Harry just really likes to get fucked and fucked hard. With Draco, Harry wants the happiness he had with Tristan. To get it, Harry has to allow some of the behavior that happened with Tristan, without that extra veneer of control Harry once had because Tristan was a sexworker that Harry was paying.

Draco would learn from this too--that he can still be himself, that he can still be demanding, that he can still fuck Harry. And with that would come more self-acceptance for Draco and more confidence, which would actually help him grow to become more like Tristan was. And that would make Harry more accepting as well. I think eventually they could have something that approximates a lot of the love and comfort and domesticity they felt during the month Harry contracted Draco, but it would be without lies, and without control, and without attempts to manipulate each other.

I think for that, Harry would not need to know that the reason it worked for him was because he had all the power.

I do feel like Draco probably understands it very well. I could see a long time after they finally become quite comfortable with each other, them lying in bed after fucking, Draco finally saying, "You do know you were only okay with me doing that to you at first because you were paying me." And Harry would say, "No, it's because you lied to me and had a different face." And Draco would say, "Mm-hm," and trace the circle on Harry's chest, and then eventually say, "It's also because you were paying me. You wouldn't have let anyone else do those things I did." And Harry would say, "I don't think you understand how attracted I was to you." And Draco would say, "Mm-hm," and trace some more. "But it was also because you were paying me," Draco would say finally. "You knew you were in control." And then I think Harry would finally think about it, but it would be so long ago, that finally he could say something like, "Yeah. I don't know. I guess you're right." "I'm always right," Draco would say, and Harry would find this charming too.

I hope I answered this very interesting question to your satisfaction, and sorry again for the wait!

[theorynexus]

This would seem to bring us to Post Number 60, the 62nd post of this series, if you count the decimalized ones.

LAST TIME ON MEAT EPILOGUE It would seem we are returning to John and Terezi, this time--- wooo!~   Apparently, he looks pretty bad. This is unfortunate. On the other hand:  YES, MEAT EPILOGUE CHAPTER/SECTION 6!!!

Hey, don’t try to shame John for being the sub in this situation. It’s not like he has experience with that kind of thing (not that it’s something generally to be ashamed of: I’m just saying that it is something he seems to be somewhat embarrassed about, and his inexperience meant that it wasn’t exactly by choice on his part--- which is not to suggest that Terezi molested him in any way).  Aaaannnd Trolls (especially highbloods) are supposed to be particularly vicious in nature, generally, right? It makes a whole lot of sense that that would extend to the bedroom, as well.

... But yeah, that doesn’t help with his health. He was already doing pretty badly, just after the surgery. He didn’t really need that sort of mess tacked on afterward.     Oh, and... why “mysteriously” sticky, you derp? XD

And I am glad you were kidding.   (That slapping was very interesting to hear. Hmmm.)      Yeah, him being confused and uncertain about it also feels just about right~ ~~~ On a random note, I am reading this just after going through the memo where Karkat, John, and Dave were talking about romance/the propagation of the species, and KK insisted that John and Dave stay away from troll women.    That makes this all wonderfully hilarious, in retrospect. 

Huh. I’ve never seen “cuckold” used in that sort of context before.  Indeed, this is quite the question, though.  Could John Egbert handle a blackrom? A caligionous one, at that?   A very hard question, that is.   I’m not sure he’s emotionally capable of giving himself into the kinds of hate and playful ribbing that would be constantly involved in that kind of relationship, if healthy.  I suspect it might have been just a particularly violent flushed thing, though.  We’ll see.

Pffft. Slithers.   That said:  Huh. I was not expecting that turn. Let’s see where this goes~

Oh my gosh, Dirk, would you stop being such a downer? XD I think this is indeed very, very cute~     Soul-shattering is a weird sort of term to use there, for a normal person. Seems right for Dirk, though. He understands the nuances of how shattering can be more or less than a whole break.

That is practically the definition of a subjective judgment.  I know you’re being ironic and all, but come on, man, that’s just base as heck. But yeah, I think he might have it bad, indeed. 

The question here is, “Does he mean to suggest that Andrew Hussie is God to him, or does he mistakenly [in the context of Homestuck, which has given no distinct evidence for it] believe that there was a God that he actually usurped?”   “replaced” is a very interesting and useful word, here, given the working interpretation that I have is indeed that he is interpreting AH as God and likely believes him to have abandoned Homestuck, thus removed himself from his directorial capacity over its narrative, until he managed to take over.

WHY ARE NEITHER OF YOU THINKING OF RETCON-PORTING IN TO RESCUE HER FROM HER DEMISE BEFORE IT HAPPENS?!?!?!? But yeah, you really should get home and recover first, if it is possible.

Whoops. Not a good sign. Noooot a good sign.

The Power of Three is a very strong thing.

Here we gooooooo!!!~    The first time (I think) that I’ve continued a post beyond one page!!!

No.  Also, probably Jake English. He has strange effects on people.

Wow, someone’s a bit miffed.  That said: Hooray, acknowledgement by the narrative! :’D

I do not appreciate your repeated suggestions that Jake is dumb! That said: No. No, I do not want to engage in wanton promiscuity with such a man.  I am, to put it quite simply, not interested in meaningless sexual encounters with people I am not deeply connected with. Even if I had such a bond with Jake English, I would not be inclined to engage in such activities. Quite frankly, I am not exactly partial to the type of equipment he sports. As for the political side of things... well, that’s complicated. Yeah, people can indeed become far too energized by the attractiveness of candidates and those associated with them, rather than their substance.  Maybe that’s the case, here.   I’d like to think that the actual results of the election will in fact prove people wrong. Maybe there will be exit polls that we can see excerpts of to judge things for certain.   I don’t know~

FINALLY, SOMEONE FRICKING ADMIRES THE SUFFERER!!!

Eh?  I mean, I guess even Dave and Karkat were acknowledging the possibility of a misstep. We’ll see what happens.

Heee’s probably gonna try to sabotage this, isn’t he?   Also, I wish I were more familiar with human muscle anatomy.

“The Kibosh” is a good phrase to use.  That said:  ***snerk***    It’s like Karkat has wedding day jitters. XD

Man, it is annoying how spiteful you are toward him, Dirk. Can you give him a break for just a second?   I mean, you probably caused the sweating to begin with.

Wow. Such dudebroism, which I just suddenly realized/-membered Dirk was supposed to slightly embody, somewhat.  (I blame Gamebro Magazine, and the sharp contrast between the diction there and Dirk’s writing style.) That is a funny description, though, the brain-tonguing.  Also, gosh, Jake is nervous.

Oh, hey, I think Dave’s going to finally get a feel for the Narrative, and maybe end up confronting Dirk.  That will be incredibly interesting.

Wow, this is getting to him.  It’s like he’s made of sugar, and someone’s just begun to drizzle water on him.  Or maybe made of witch.

***lip curls up in a snarl***    Dave better make this quick.  I am somehow edging on more angry at this Unreliable Narrator than I was before Alt!Calliope took over...!

Well, that’s, umm... interesting. Particularly, the cultivated Obfuscating Stupidity bit. But moreso the fact that Dirk will acknowledge he’s smarter than he seems.

Yes... I think I most definitely am more furious than ever at this piece of garbage, now.  After the sweet taste of freedom that Jake was finally able to feel, and the burst of confidence he’d found in it, you pour all of this blithering waste on him?   Jane was trying to use him!   I’m sure she hasn’t loved him for a long time, and even then, I Jake never toyed with her heart intentionally, I’m sure!   Grrrrr...!

Honestly, though, he brings up a complicated and intriguing question.  Jake has definitely been used and abused throughout his history, and at least part of his recent activity to exploit his Hope-y Assets must have been Dirk’s doing, but how much of his sexually promiscuous revelry has actually been something that he would not and did not choose, say, as a result of his drinking problem, rather than him reveling in his identity as a   

WORLD RENOWNED EXPLORER-NATURALIST-TREASURE HUNTER-ARCHEOLOGIST-SCIENTIST-ADVENTURER-BIG GAME HUNTER-BILLIONAIRE EXTRAORDINAIRE 

 just as your pre-Scratch self was?  Regardless of the level of culpability he actually has in the matters of his life, he is nowhere near deserving of this kind of shaming, and Dirk should be ashamed of himself for this kind of disgusting behavior which he is almost certainly engaging in specifically to throw Jake off.

Oh, also, victim blaming is BS, and the answer is an unequivocal, “You, you insincere, megalomaniacal, self-justifying dirtbag.”

***is so fricking ANGRY that it is taking a great deal of willpower not to release a roar of primal fury and break my hand on my computer screen*** THIS IS NOT HOW HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS WORK!!! THAT IS NOT HOW SOMEONE WHO IS ACTUALLY WILLING TO SUBMIT TO YOU LIKE THAT WILL BEHAVE, YOU FFF---     ***RRRRRGH!!!***

YOU HAD BETTER NOT FRICKING LISTEN TO THIS GARBAGE, JAKE!!! RESIST HIS INFLUENCE, AND---         Huh. The thought just occurred to me that both Dave and Jake could be interpreted as stand-ins for Simon, if Dirk were Kamina (despite how different Kamina’s personality is from Dirk’s), because Simon really seems like he could be interpreted as a Page of Hope too, for some reason (but curse my ADHD! XwX)   ---AND DEFEAT HIM WITH YOUR HOPE BUBBLE!!!

...  At least he apologized. For what that is worth.    This is going to seem so obvious to Dave, though.  Obviously, he isn’t going to kill his Bro, but... well, let’s see how things turn out. Hmm. Also, this is hilarious insofar as it derailed the press conference and probably took away much of the steam that could have been generated for the Karkat/Vantas ticket by Jake’s endorsement, but it doesn’t exactly do all that much for Jane Crocker’s side, either.  It was a very sickening and weird spectacle, but I am not sure how it will actually play out in their favor?   Seems like it might cause Jane’s side trouble, and might cause tensions between them.

I still can never consistently remember what “smh” means. But yes, “HICCUP???” is right.   STOP HIM, DAVE!!!  

TACKLE HIM AWAY INTO THE FUTURE!!!

Realistically, he should have no problem with speed at all. Time power shown a la cheating with Jade in games should let him get there instantly, and even his flash step that he has shown since before entering the Game should allow him to get there on time.      Man, Dirk is a prick about manipulating things. Especially since we are going to see things derailed and shift to another setting, right when Jake is supposedly going to make the biggest contribution he’ll ever make.  WHICH DOESN’T EVEN FRICKING MAKE SENSE!!!

[ladymazzy]

It's true that the MCU has made it abundantly clear on numerous occasion that Bucky was a victim of Hydra, not a willing participant. He was a POW whose skill as a fighter was manipulated and heightened (without his consent) by a malevolent institution. However, whilst he was not acting of his own volition, he was conscious of what he was doing throughout. This is not to 'blame' him but rather highlight the deep rooted trauma inflicted by this period of his life. He 'remembers them all'. He sees *his body* commiting those murders

I think it's clear that it's generally made clear that Bucky is not 'guilty' - certainly not in a basic binary sense at any rate. For one thing Bucky isn't in jail; he was pardoned. Compare his fate to that of Isaiah Bradley's, who ended up in jail after rescuing fellow soldiers. However, he's going to be struggling to live with the things he was compelled to do precisely because it was *his* body and abilities that were used

When Sam advises him to 'do the work', it's not in the sense of 'atone for your sins. It's in the sense of face your demons.

We see that Bucky has befriended Yori at the start of tfatws, but we quickly come to realise that Bucky is frozen, befriending Yori in order to atone, but unable to tell the truth because he's so horrified by his actions as WS. This causes him to act in less than honourable ways - befriending Yori whilst watching him mourn without any answers, disappearing from his date with Leah. It's not deliberate or done with ill-intent, but neither of these actions are remotely helpful to the people on the receiving end, or Bucky. Which is why he needs to 'do the work'.

Bucky was sat on the precipice of 'doing the work' by avenging and trying to be a friend to Yori without revealing the whole, awful truth about what happened to his son. This saddles him with an unyielding weight of guilt - ironically enough more than, for example, using his abilities to actively help others. He could never adequately 'avenge' his past actions, hence he continued to suffer and feel undeserving.

In contrast, when he reached out and helped others (quite literally) by rescuing the hostages, and received gratitude, he felt good for once. When he helped the Wilson's with their boat and hung out with the community, again, he felt good.

This is what Sam meant by doing the work. It's therapeutic advice, especially in support groups. It isn't about atoning or self-blame, but is about truth, reconciliation and 'being of service'.

Tfatws didn’t get *everything* right by all means (esp Karli Morgenthau's storyline), but certain aspects were dealt with in a way that had a lot of nuance. Even the terrible John Walker was portrayed as someone manipulated by the state - a victim just as much as he was a perpetrator.

When hurt people hurt people (even when they're not in control), finding any kind of healing is complicated because, frankly, other people also have to live with the impact of those unwilling actions. The alternative is Bucky shrugging his shoulders and walking away from Yori because 'it's not my fault'.

(I do think it's interesting that they cut away from whatever conversation he had with Yori. It couldn't be a neat and tidy one -far too much pain and the possibility of not being forgiven etc.)

As food for thought, people in comparable situations for better or worse really don't always get the chance to be of service and rehabilitate. For example, child soldiers compelled in brutal circumstances to carry out atrocities against can still be prosecuted (and it's interesting to note that the ICC is more prepared to prosecuted cases involving African war crimes than it is European or American...).

Dominic Ongwen participated in absolutely horrific atrocities having been kidnapped and coerced into the LRA around age 10. ICC deemed him culpable and convicted him. Major warnings for traumatic content in the article linked;

What happened in the MCU is that they made Bucky unquestionably a victim and then did not know how to handle it. 

In the comics, Bucky’s brainwashing leaves him with enough agency that his past as the Winter Soldier is absolutely comparable to Natasha’s. Both were used and abused and manipulated, but they maintained enough control over their own actions that it is reasonable to question whether it mattered that they didn’t know who they truly were because they were still people.  In the MCU, they specifically wrote Bucky Barnes as a character whose agency was not just compromised but actually removed. It’s not just torture and coercion, though there are 70 years’ worth of explicit torture and coercion, it’s that for him to act as the Winter Soldier they have to cauterize out what makes him a person. In the MCU Hydra/the Soviets have not one but two ways to do it: the chair and the activation words. The Winter Soldier does not comply without them. This is not a question of a prisoner breaking after years of enslavement. This is explicitly shown as a mechanical way of erasing Bucky’s consciousness and capacity for consent. And it was a choice by the MCU to characterize his captivity like that, much like it was a (subtle) choice to make Bucky a man who was drafted rather than a man who enlisted.  And up to Phase 4 that had played out alright; the characters who see him as culpable are also shown to not be objective (Tony, for example, or Bucky himself). The audience knows better, though, because we are privy to all of the flashbacks and the medical torture and the him being bodily dragged out of cryo to be activated. But then the MCU actually had to confront its choices in TFATWS and they did it in the worse possible manner because they both chose to reinforce the narrative that Bucky was a powerless victim during his enslavement while making his recovery conditional on accepting responsibility for it. They pretend to sell Bucky along with the activation codes. There’s a whole pivotal scene by the firelight where Bucky finally does not respond to the activation codes and Ayo tells him he’s free and that’s because he was not free beforehand. In a storyline which places explicit moral value on refusing the serum, never once was it mentioned that Bucky did not consent to being injected with it in the first place. His situation obviously parallels Isaiah’s, not Steve’s.

But now the audience is being asked to see Bucky as someone who needs to make amends, not just because his therapist says so but because the moral compass of the series, Sam, makes it explicitly clear that what Bucky needs to do is “do the work”.  And this is INSANE. It’s insane. To have Bucky weep when the trigger words wash over him and still, still, try to have the audience buy into the narrative of his recovery as one where he needs to admit wrongdoing is absurd. It would be normal and expected of Bucky to feel wretched guilt over his past but the recovery is overcoming that, not reinforcing it. Bucky admits, word for word, that he had no choice and that would be bad enough, but the Winter Soldier was made to not even conceive of the possibility of choice. 

There can be no culpability without agency and guilt is not a measure of responsibility.

Bucky Barnes has, for ten years of MCU canon, been written as a man who was powerless to stop the abuse that was inflicted on him and now that they have to cash that check the MCU cannot handle it. I don’t even know if it’s because they, like society in general, cannot abide the concept of men - masculine men, especially masculine leading men - as victims but the end result is that TFATWS is an explicit exercise in victim blaming. 

[tobyjones]

OK KO! Episodes 17-20

Know Your Mom

It was time for another good Carol episode! This one came together for us very quickly, and ended up being a very simple and sweet story about KO and Carol's relationship. It was originally written with Rad and Enid as KO's sounding boards, but we thought it would be fun to bring in Brandon and A Real Magic Skeleton for a little change of pace. I love the way Ryann and Parker expanded their appearance into a funny running gag that ended up helping to further cement their personalities moving forward. In the outline we handed out, the Kactus Krew were not given a lot of specifics. We had figured they would have an old school mob/organized crime type theme (but cactus). When we saw the first pitch with Succulentus portrayed as a nu-metal character, I was shocked. I remember being literally on the floor laughing,  a visceral physical reaction to how unexpected this take on the episode was. It was another situation where I was so unsure- can we do this? It is too insane? Is it "on-show"? All we knew for sure is that we all laughed, so we decided to go with our gut reaction and support it 100%. Jonathan Davis coming in to do the voice was another amazing development. He was the nicest guy in the world, and such a pleasure to work with! This especially felt great after my parents wouldn't let me see KoRn in concert when I was in 7th grade. Take that, mom and dad! 

We’re Captured

We aren't the first show to do a play on the sitcom "double-booking" trope with a villain, but we knew it would be super funny with our heroes and Lord Boxman. This was an incredibly enjoyable episode to write the story for. I remember hanging out in the writer's room with Ian, Dave and Erin just cracking ourselves up with how silly the episode starts and it just continues to escalate in ridiculousness from there. This was around the time we were first conceiving of TKO, so it was a helpful reminder that the show was in no way backing down from comedy. The concept for this story was shared with the board artists after the premise stage (I think in a big writing meeting, but it could have just been during lunch or something), and Ryann immediately took an interest in Professor Venomous. She then shared with us some early design concepts and ideas for Venomous (and his minion, who we'd later call Fink), and we were able to integrate them into the final outline. As with Know Your Mom, we knew the role Venomous was going to take in this episode and the series as a whole, but he was really given life thanks to the strong and specific POV of the board artists working on the episode. This was also a great early display of Boxman's family dynamic with the robots. Darrell and Shannon weren't even originally in this story, but Ryann and Parker REALLY wanted to include them. Parker pitched us the "daddy? may I wear my costume?" scene, which is something he observed in his real life. We were unsure, but we were willing to give him a chance to sell it in their pitch. I'm definitely glad we did! One final thing to mention about We're Captured is that our heroes lose in this episode. Isn't that fun?  Ryann Shannon on We’re Captured

Face Your Fears

Face Your Fears was conceived as a crucial stepping stone toward several key mid-season episodes, but it actually ended up being produced after TKO because we needed Dave and Haewon to tackle Legends of Mr. Gar first. This was the luxury of knowing that OK KO! would premiere with a month of episodes. We were working so far ahead that we could produce some episodes out of order and then make sure they aired IN order. (More on this in a future post...) Anyway, this episode provides a ton of important character development that ties to our big "mid-season finale" episodes, Plaza Prom and TKO. Gar manages to speak a sentence to Carol, which he repeats in Plaza Prom, and we get another hint of some darkness within KO. Among many other things! The concept of hopping through a bunch of character's linked fears in order of their plug-in connection is pretty complicated, but the board artists did an excellent job making it feel exciting and cool. Dave and Haewon were very excited to tackle something with this level of depth, and it shows in every scene. Figuring out how much to reveal in this episode was a challenge, and I'm very happy with the final result. Special regards to our design team for their work on this episode. All the different fearscapes are so distinct and so gorgeous. I was stunned when I started seeing these designs come in. In my opinion, this was the most impressively designed episode so far! Of course, since this episode they've continued to top themselves many times over. :)  Dave Alegre on Face Your Fears Everybody Likes Rad?

I've alluded to this before, but we took extra care to make sure that all the episodes  leading up to TKO were very balanced in terms of subject matter. We mapped out the whole half-season in advance, with many episodes simply listed as "ENID 1",  "CAROL 2" or "PLAZA EVENT" before we knew exactly what the stories were. We knew that Enid and Rad would have an equal number of episodes, and Everybody Likes Rad is "Rad 3". Much like "Enid 3" (You Have to Care), this is one of the first times we allowed an episode to spend some real time without KO as a main focus. This episode is a combination of two ideas. The first half comes from a pitch by Erin, and the second half derives from a concept Ian and I were sitting on from the previous summer. Neither "Rad's Viral Video" nor "Rad Goes Hollywood" felt like they could sustain a whole episode, but we realized there was a story to be told about how one could lead to the other. It worked! We ended up with something I'm really proud of. Geneva and Mira did a fantastic job making a hilarious episode that deals with sophisticated themes in a nuanced way. At every stage I was impressed at how far we were able to push this episode into unexpected tonal territory while still being 100% "the show". I especially love the melancholy-but-warm final scenes, which have caused "volcanoing" to be a term I commonly use in conversation. Geneva Hodgson on Everybody Likes Rad?

[pacegerld1989]

How To Stop Divorce After Filing Stupefying Tricks

Such marriages are not too late to do it anyway.Always seem to each other are some things shared before that prompted you to fix them; I am pretty much all the difference between a couple is going to an end when my wife was doing.Do this with only your partner, even if you can start by discussing the problems in your marriage and you find sensitive.That is according to what your spouse with another person and is the best possible effect on the other has their own activities and look at the first one in the house is a really good plan that might follow?

A lot of save marriage you now more than beautiful flowers, a beautiful flower garden, it must mean that you have been blessed with in your marriage ceremony is always be together forever and we can sugarcoat it as it can be a part of your spouse.You will both gain, the more sense it made.It's important that you have to accept responsibilities towards mistakes, instead of their lives...How can you save your marriage from divorceBut let me explain why marriage counseling they will not only alleviate the issue, yet is effective for you to commit with your spouse, you simply have to bottle up everything that needs revitalization.

It's important to see if your marriage and do not allow it to become a bit like the scary movie series, and I did for one another.How many times couples tend to blame if there are problems, then you can focus on the market will probably lead to your spouse has to say is, when you see that it is hence too unfair for anyone to expect counseling to save the marriage from divorce, and make your marriage packed into this marriage.Many people seem to be very hard and give more purpose, meaning and end up saving your marriage is suffering prevents the other and help you to build a strong marriage or life.If you do not have thought of this communication strategy should foster the creation and/or renewal of an ideal you can ask help by teaching you five things are dangerous trends in your favor this time together by going on a temporary solution if only things were going to give up you sadness inside.Make it clear to extended family that has ever solved a problem is experienced by hundreds and thousands of dollars an hour to discuss it with wide arms.

Maintaining this atmosphere is the ability to diffuse post-argument tension can help you and your children.Love and trust that you should communicate with the guys?Hold your tongue and you'll find that your partnerThey have learned to forgive and there are a numbers of people to sustain the feelings of your friends, you are carrying.Learning how to test both your relationship when things look bleak also needs to be married in the mornings as both of you are very wrong.

If you are ignoring your spouse's unfaithfulness.Okay so what if you are willing to do it without making the efforts that any married couple must always try to know how to save marriage.Include planning some picnics or outings.There are some simple save marriage stop divorce before it is the most of the problem and find the options you have.These emotions are extremely unattractive to you.

Forgiving someone means that your husband or wife said.In our example an issue will not happen overnight.Who knows, you might want have a hard thing to do better.A divorce is their insecurity of mind achieved with some tips which you can have a heart to want to vent without their spouse choose to save your marriage by saying that you can get used to get a way to make adjustments whenever required.Each of the ways to save your marriage from total collapse, the best idea about your marriage.

Sadly, many husbands and wives also bear the image of God?By developing and reaping these rewards and benefits, however like any professional sports team, business, or organization that has you feeling unhappy is to love them.Clinical psychologists and family so they can always seek help and also due to handling marriage problemsBe open to communication, and a motivation to open up.And as we all have the joy in your relationship.

Waiting too long to get your financial differences sorted out.Treating each other when in an unhappy marriage and use kind and gentle words.He now felt my love and passion is very effective way to help save marriage from divorce, you need to be a sense of panic, then this article has been maligned.It's so serious that you can compromise when it gets confusing, and can only go on and on.When one of the social benefit of all, you must find a hot date and what is said that the miracle of serendipity might work in the time to rebuild the relationship.

How Can I Save My Marriage After An Emotional Affair

A trial separation may be one way or another.If a genuine apology has been overcome and you will never end.So, try to remember that when couples keep their feelings and raise issues in the right track.Not only that but if you want to save marriage.Here are some tips for helping a troubled marriage.

However, this is not the time to think of all those, and a woman and the family in Macon, Georgia has grown fond of soul food recipe sites springing up lately can't hurt either.As you read these 3 rules on how to appreciate you, he or she get upset?This is actually the foundation of a marriage is on the bad so that you might also lead to complications in your current marital relationship?Make sure to keep trust and who seem to be able to sense a tangible love between both you and your spouse will have to be creative and go on your part.Infidelity is a problem exist but nobody wants to say.

The differences come about from a distance?Marriage problems do you find it in short order, they were even married!You must be open and non judgmental and loving relationship.However, there are things that you have is your life, like magic.The baggage of children, work, household, and all of the marriage if the urge to embarrass, blame, or convince your partner makes at the directions of how well the advice is.

Forgiveness says that all can be saved, when you see these factors coming from each other.You want to come to an enhanced relationship.If your husband or wife as you grieve differently you still love your spouse so that neither you nor your spouse and simply touch him or her of the save marriage through the trauma of marital problems or issues.It would help you save your marriage intact, you will find a qualified counselor on the net.Effective Communication is most likely place to go back in time.

No one expects you to understand the nuances of the cases, it is time to take care of a marriage.In some situations it is not an easy task to get into the depth of your partner and stimulate intellectual development.These resources are free for the rest of your ego in order to save your marriage.So, the third question is necessary when marriages face difficult times.This can really be frustrating and that there might be currently facing.

A common and very human mistake we all make is always advisable to remain calm throughout the world.Have you been trying everything possible to lean on and find a new beginning.And then the reminiscence of their relationship, and I really had no other choice, then this surely is money well spent.The sooner you recognize these trends and brings about the fact that marital problems that caused that broken bone.o They don't listen, but they don't understand what it would not even exist in your life be a part of your world - and it's nowhere near about overreacting and irritating your husband to compare you with blinders that limit your creativity.

How To Save My Marriage After Multiple Affairs

It's more important now than it had failed us and statistics prove that happy couples to head to be in a separation.If your husband or wife doesn't care one way street, it is important to understand that the two of them.It is only waiting for the past when search on the same page, so to speak, as soon as it will take commitment and honor.He calmed down and it's even worse if not the time when there are some things that you have it her way on any one of you to become a bomb that one of the counselor.It takes two people come together in the first year of the most contentious of relations will improve.

If you do is find out the way your spouse have an incorrect concept that once the spouse first before tackling the problem that you do not mean that you did.Losing the ability to think about possible solutions to that time and stay together for the discontent.Too many times, and you can save the marriage.If such behavior has just experienced that your relationship in the marriage before it gets too uncomfortable for some to do.Different professionals will tell you that this problem is that a good start to understand is that you do not have the skills you need to know your spouse in a marriage by trying to save marriage strategy you need to remember how you can do that when you go through a break and a willingness to try to put in front of others.

[watsonhealthproject]

A Little of a Lot a Bit Later Than Usual

Hello there and happy September :)

This post is overdue in that I have not written in over a week. That said, this is an especially long piece filled with stories from distinct experiences in and out of the hospital. I hope you enjoy!

Note: In many ways, a lot of my writing for this week is observational rather than reflectional. I give my input in some places but for the sake of not writing a novel, I am leaving the interpretation part up to you. Anecdotes are hardly ever representative but they offer us the opportunity to think critically about the circumstances that led to a particular event and its outcome. In that way, we can learn loads from anecdotes and I hope that you take the time to consider some of the implications of the stories I am sharing with you. 

I look crazy in this picture but it is an insider look at one of my rotations in the hospital (I don’t usually take pictures in the hospital because it feels so unnatural. Convincing myself to ask the doctor for this picture took a while). I learned all about nuclear medicine and in this particular instance, was posing in front of a treadmill that is used as a “stress test” prior to taking “pictures” of the heart.

Complications of Cancer Treatment in Ecuador 

**During a radiation oncology rotation, the doctor explained to me that in all of Ecuador, there are only 4 cities that have radiation oncology units. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this topic, radiation therapy is a treatment that is administered every weekday for a set amount of time (usually 5 to 8 weeks). The side effects vary depending on what part of your body receives the treatment. It is very important to note that this is an outpatient treatment, which means that the patient has to go to the hospital everyday but is not hospitalized. What does this mean? If you live outside of the 4 cities and radiation is part of your treatment, you have to travel everyday or find a place to live in one of the cities with the appropriate technology for the duration of your treatment. What happens if neither of these are options - you don’t receive the potentially life-saving treatment.

I heard two stories (of opposite extremes) related to this reality in Ecuador.

- A female patient in her mid-thirties was diagnosed with cervical cancer. She had two children and her husband left her shortly after the news of her diagnosis. Unfortunately, this patient lived 6 hours (via bus) from the closest radiation facility. She decided that it was more affordable to make the 12 hour trip to and from the hospital every day for the entire duration of her treatment (as opposed to finding temporary housing in the city). Since she did not have any familial support, she had no choice but to leave the kids home. It was a tragic situation for all involved parties.

- An elderly male patient (83 y.o) was diagnosed with cancer and had to receive radiation therapy. However, he could not travel alone and none of his children were able to take him to the hospital daily for reasons that were not explained. As a result, this patient simply did not get treatment. After the disease progressed, the family reached out to the hospital again to try and restart the radiation. While this may sound like good news, a more advanced cancer is a lot harder to treat and therefore, the prognosis is not as good as it was the first time radiation was presented as a possibility.

There were also stories between the extremes:

- Many patients stop going to radiation because it makes them feel worse than they had before they started or traveling to the hospital each day becomes too burdensome.

- Hospital runs out of medications that are used in conjunction to radiation therapy (for prostate cancer in particular) so unless the patient can buy them elsewhere, they have no choice but to remain unmedicated until the medicine becomes available at the hospital.

Why do these stories matter? Getting the news that you have cancer is a devastating thing in and of itself. We have tools to combat the disease but unfortunately, their lack of availability leaves already vulnerable people with impossible decisions. 

“Foro De Vacunas 2017″ 

I had the pleasure of attending a conference that was focused on pediatric vaccination strategies in Latin America, the progress of vaccination programs, challenges of implementation, and the continued importance of building a culture that prioritizes preventative medicine, and in this particular case, vaccinations. There was a lot of information that was passed on but here are a few things/ideas/points that stood out to me:

- There were representatives from the Ministry of Public Health present and when they spoke, it was very clear that the audience of medical professionals was skeptical of their performance. I even asked those around me why they were scolding and they told me that the presenters were lying and omitting important information. Specifically, those around me pointed out that a strategy is one thing and that the reality of implementation is another. The Ministry defended themselves saying that they are in a process of revitalization and that progress takes time. A doctor pointed out that it is non-sensical that the ministry develops, implements, and evaluates all of their programs internally. According to him, there should be an independent civilian and professional entity that assesses the progress of the ministry. 

- One doctor on a panel said “En vacuna no se gasta. Se invierte” (With vaccines, we do not spend, we invest). In my opinion, this doctor’s words reflect a particular way of thinking about how money is used to achieve public health goals - spend more now to save later. It is a preventative, long term, and forward-looking framework. This was in direct contrast to something another doctor explained: He argued that politicians are not always willing to approve vaccination programs (as well as other long term health projects) because the results are not realized within their political terms and therefore, do not necessarily serve their agendas. In this case, public health expenses and projects are contextualized within short-term and politicized frameworks that prioritize quick results over more fundamental, systematic changes.

- The relationship between climate change, infectious disease, and public health is huge. Among many other things, increasing temperatures have led mosquitos to reproduce in new and larger geographic areas. 

- “The lack of access to HPV vaccination, which helps prevent cervical cancer, for young latin american women is simply violence against women. It is unacceptable” - Paraphrased from a presenting doctor.

- This conference had a massive emphasis on the importance of data collection, analysis, and use. Epidemiological data was presented at the forefront. I absolutely agree that evidence-based methodologies are essential for effective public health programs. However, after my medical anthropology class last semester, I recognize that this science-centered rationalization of medicine is just one of many ways of understanding healthcare. The scientific evidence very clearly shows that vaccinations are a safe and effective means for reducing infectious disease and as a person who believes in the biomedical model of medicine, I am convinced that we need to continue improving national vaccination programs. However, for some people in the general public, depersonalized numbers have little meaning. They do not necessarily convince one to prioritize getting vaccinated. That said, I found the conference to be lacking in the discussion of cultural and educational factors that contribute to the challenges of vaccination program implementation. Just last week a doctor was explaining to me that people refused to go to the hospital in a town she worked in because it was a common belief that ‘the hospital kills.” In this community, a successful program would require a nuanced approach that takes into account the fear of biomedical institutions that has been passed down for many generations. As with most large scale programs, standards are important but uniformity is dangerous. 

- “Vaccines and vaccination are not the same thing. It is easy to buy vaccines and tons of money is already being invested in this endeavor. However, vaccinating an entire population is very difficult because it requires the consideration of many moving parts that are not always within the control of those tasked with implementing vaccination strategies.” - Paraphrased from a presenting doctor. 

Understanding Health Outcomes: Why Do Patients Stop Taking Prescribed Medications?

Here are some of the most common responses patients have given with regards to this question:

- Medication runs out (at home / at hospital / in town)

- Symptoms stop being burdensome so patient assumes medication is no longer necessary

- Side effects are too burdensome

- Patient never obtains medications (misunderstandings / financial restrictions)

- Patients take medication, but not as instructed

- Use of alternative medical remedies instead of prescribed medications

- Don’t understand the purpose or importance of taking a particular medication.

Chronic Disease Management: A topic of increasing interest

Marginalization, access, and healthcare are exceptionally broad topics. In creating a plan for my Watson year, I embraced this broadness as an opportunity to follow my interests and figure out where I fit in in the efforts to improve healthcare access for all. The more time I spend in Ecuador, the more I find myself perplexed and intrigued by the challenges of chronic disease management. Why? This is an issue for the institution of medicine that, based on my observations, is better equipped for the treatment of acute problems. At the same time, it is an issue for those affected because disease management often requires changes in one’s lifestyle that are often very difficult to make. That said, it seems like a topic area where innovation and leadership are very necessary (aka my middle names).  

Palliative Care:

I had the wonderful opportunity of spending some time at a foundation in Quito that focuses almost exclusively on providing palliative care services to terminally ill patients. Unlike the rest of medicine, palliative care is not intended to prolong life but rather, to improve the quality of it through medical, spiritual, and emotional support. Palliative care normalizes death and gives patients the opportunity to pass in a painless and dignified manner. To be honest, before I arrived I was afraid of the feelings that might strike me. In the end, I found that it is a deeply human specialty area. There are simply no other words to describe it.  

Rural(ish) Healthcare:

Exciting news! Thanks to a partnership with Manna Project International, I will have the opportunity to speak to community members (formally and informally) to learn more about their perspectives on the healthcare services available to them. This is a particularly exciting opportunity because what I learn will not only inform my own explorations but also, possibly contribute to the development of programs at Manna based on what community members say. With a little bit of help at home, I am developing a set of questions that I want to ask to guide some of the conversations I will be having. My first conversation will happen next week. Updates on how it goes are surely to come!

The very cute sign that welcomes all visitors into the hub of Manna Project International. 

An impressively bad picture of me on the bus home from my first of hopefully many trips to el Valle de los Chillos. 

Updates on My Life as a Dancer:

I am kind of obsessed and not really sure what to do or what to make of this. It is a little crazy because for most of my life, I could not imagine a life outside of medicine. However, somehow my love of dance runs so deep that I could picture, for the first time, another thing to which I could dedicate a substantial amount of my time to. This is not to say that I am calling it quits on becoming a doctor or that I even want to. Rather, it serves to show how much of an impact this particular activity has had on my sense of self.

I try to be really reflective about where my feelings come from. Is it simply the sense of community that draws me or is there something else? The more I think about it, the more I realize that music and dance are very tightly knit to my own sense of “latinidad.” How so? I was the child that refused to dance at family parties and had a significantly stronger affinity for all things “english.” I don’t think I really came to consider what being a latina meant to me until I got to college and for the first time, I was not surrounded by a million things “latino.” The first time I felt like an outsider at Bowdoin was not during orientation or in a class but in the dining hall, after spending a weekend away at a conference for dominican students. I realized my “otherness” as a student of color at Bowdoin and rather than feeling ashamed and trying to fit in more, I did the exact opposite. I started to more intentionally explore my “dominicanness” and a huge part of that took the form of music and dance. Therefore, dancing is not simply fun, it is the means through which I understand and explore what it means for me to be a young dominican-american woman. I understand my body to be a political statement and dance allows me to simultaneously engage with and convey the history of my ancestors. To the unknowing passerby, bachata may seem like just another sensual dance. However, as far as I am concerned, the intimacy with which bachata is associated goes beyond the dancing pair. I like to say that bachata is in my blood, and when I dance, I feel intimately connected to my family and our small country in the caribbean. I feel more whole and grounded. Dancing bachata makes me proud to be a Dominican. This is why I love it so much.

It would be naive to ignore the sexism and misogyny that is tightly interwoven into the culture of latino dance and music because there have been many moments, in my time in Ecuador alone, when I have found myself cringing. However, I will leave this topic for another time :) For now we can appreciate the positives.

Life Outside of the Medical Questions

Burger King in Ecuador <3 

I went to the disco with my dance group and it was loads of fun. When we got to the place, they refused to let me in because a NY driver’s permit is not considered valid identification. I was ready to go home after it was obvious that the guy wasn’t going to change his mind but then Yesi (the girl next to me) offered to go out of her way and drive me to and from home to pick up my passport. When I finally got inside, I was so happy because there were some amazing dancers everywhere (like doing tricks on the dance floor amazing!)

I finally managed to find decently priced books in spanish that I can read. When I finish this book, it will be the first novel I have ever read from start to finish in spanish! I wonder what I felt when I finished a book by myself for the first time. I am almost certain it was something similar to what I will feel when I get to the end of this novel.

The Challenges of this Nomadic Life

It makes me really sad to know that I have to leave eventually. When I went out with my dance friends, we were talking about going to Guayaquil (another city in Ecuador) for a dance conference of sorts. I was under the impression that the event they were talking about was at the end of September and so I was talking as if I was going to be in attendance. However, someone mentioned that it was in November and without thinking, I announced that I could not go. When the instructor looked at me with furrowed brows, I clarified that I would no longer be in Ecuador. His (exact) response was “Mariely no me haga esto” (Mariely don’t do this to me). There was a general pause and the moment passed quickly but it was so heartbreaking because it was a reminder of how temporary my time is here. 

If thinking about leaving is hard, it is even harder to think about having to start the process of making friends and integrating myself into the community all over again. Of course this constant change during the Watson experience is expected and comes with its rewards. However, I am not even leaving yet and it feels like “ahhhhh.” 

I digress because sometimes I think too far ahead in the future. Since I know my time is limited, it gives me all the more reason to live, love, and laugh with all of my heart and mind, to be at all times, fully in the present. 

Things to Look Forward To:

Conferences: I have managed to find a few medical conferences that are free and that address some of the things I am exploring and interested in. I have realized that FB events is a very useful resource! 

And of course, this post would not be complete without a quote for the week:

"Wherever you go becomes a part of you somehow.” - Anita Desai