#it truly is my fault tho lmao

[widevibratobitch]

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[todayisafridaynight]

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TRUSTING ME BRO I COULD CRYYYYYYYYYYYYY 😭😭😭😭😭I hope it does not disappoint... REAL THOUGH about the drama you mentioned in your tags, that's exactly how I felt reading If My Wife Becomes An Elementary School Student's title, for example, but I'm told it's wholesome☠️☠️I would love to hear about the one you were thinking of though!

I WILL BEAR IT IN MIND TO PREPARE FOR ARACHTAGON WHENEVER THE TIME COMES... totally understandable to get frustrated with RNG on top of that, RPGs can be so evil 😭😭😭still, again, I'm glad you're back to it! Also totally understandable to want to play on the original consoles... NOTHING beats the experience... the availability of playthroughs nowadays is nice for sure to be able to experience the series without investing that much!

I would LOVE to see more Normal interactions between Ichiban and Jo for real😭they have so much potential for silly moments... ever-thankful for your content and I Can't Say Enough always looking forward to whatever you might have in store :] whether it's that or something else :]

I EXPECT YOU'RE DONE WITH EPISODE EIGHT NOW AT MINIMUM SO I WILL JUST SAY the Ohashi arc and Episode Ø [<- why the hell is ep eight called this] are peak to me I am soooo glad you enjoyed the arc... LOVE the OST too, Yugo Kanno is a legend. HOWEVER all the songs on it are titled words that start with S and P so you get titles like Scarlet Pussy 😭

OH BUT SPEAKING OF SP'S WACKASS STRUCTURE pleeeeeaaaase consider watching SP: The Motion Picture and SP: The Motion Picture: The Final Episode after you finish the show... there is A Cliffhanger and those are the true conclusions to the story... and SP Final In Specific is what blew my nuts clean off...

STOPPP NO THAT'S EXACTLY THE DRAMA I WAS TALKING ABOUT BUT I DIDNT WANNA SNITCH ON MYSELF 😭😭 it really is a cute show..... im ngl it has some of my fave tsutsumi scenes/performances like it TRULY blew my expectations out of the water. i just feel SOOO awkward about it cause.. with a title like That and a premise Like That i wouldnt blame a single person for giving me a weird ass look so i generally try not to talk about it ☠️ its my guilty treat so to speak and i cant even tell if im making it sound worse than it actually is (╯x╰ )

in any case... i finished Security Police SO !!! onto After The Rain for me when it comes to Media Thats Awkward To Talk About But Please Believe Me When I Say Its Not What You're Thinking :]

LMAO PLEASE like... so long as you have the right equipment you don't even really have to do much extra grinding by the time you get to him... it truly is just hoping RNG doesnt dick you over ☠️ i've been cruising through the game since tho ! i dont expect myself to get into anymore awkward blockades anytime soon and then i can finally say i finished this game (●ˇ∀ˇ●)

THANK YA THANK YA it aint much but its honest work..... i have been real dead this week tho and i always get scared if ill draw again durin periods like this- i HOPE to come up with something soon cause there really is an untapped well of Good Stuff to be explored :]]

THE SOUND DESIGN OF SP WAS REALLY GOOD IN GENERAL THOUGH LIKE not just music wise was it good but i really loved hos inoue's migraines gave me migraines... immersion... but also just knowing when to keep things dead silent (like finding nishijima's corpse) did SOOO well to put emphasis.. the weird as hell names are just bonus points by now like. Gotta Let Bro Have SOMETHING As A Thank You For The Sound Design (╯▽╰ ;;) OH BUT IM GLAD THERE'S MOVIE TIE-INS CAUSE THE LAST SCENE HAD ME CONCERNICUS LIKE 👁️👁️? i was only able to find the first 2010 movie on the site i usually go to but its somethin...

[mikuyuuss]

I love that Mitsuri is a little silly and stupid at times, shes a girlboss AND a girlfailure to me <3 but apparently there are some people that genuinely dislike her for those things? I understand Mitsuri's character isn't for everyone, BUT WAIT, HEAR ME OUT.

I've always had this headcanon that Mitsuri had a somewhat sheltered childhood growing up, since In the Rengoku Gaiden, she randomly got discriminated by a stranger for her hair color, so I can only imagine that she probably got that on a daily basis.

I'm sure Mitsuri's parents don't enjoy seeing their eldest daughter bring harassed, so perhaps they might have coddled her a bit. Maybe that could explain why Mitsuri comes off as childish, innocent or """"stupid"""" as many people would say. For me, it's more like her personality just screams "sheltered kid", through no fault of her own tho.

(this is taken from the second fanbook, translated by @/violetheart08)

The fact that she's happy to have friends at the corps, suggests to me that she probably didn't have many friends growing up, she most likely got bullied too, and if that's the case, it's understandable that she can come across as overly friendly and excitable whenever she's befriending new people.

She's actually socially awkward like Giyuu, but just on the opposite end of the spectrum lol, that's why I love them both.

But still, it's not that Mitsuri is straight up incompetent. She's very creative and thinks outside of the box with her breathing style. She also adapts pretty well in high stress situations, we saw this in swordsmith arc, but also we see this very clearly in the Rengoku Gaiden too.

The fact that it only took her two years to become a hashira shows that she has a level of discipline to attain that title. Not only did Rengoku trained her well, this is also no feat that a truly "stupid" person can achieve.

The reason why I have this particular headcanon about Mitsuri is because some families do put A LOT of importance on reputation, especially asian families, when their kids start showing traits that would make them "different" they tend to "hide" the kids in order to protect their reputation so they won't lose their chances at marriage.

(Though I'm not saying all asian families are like this. This is mostly just based on my personal experience that I won't elaborate further)

It reminded me of this scene, when Mitsuri's family suggested that she can just stay with them forever when she was worried that she won't be able to find someone. I love Mitsuri's parents and they are VERY GREAT for their time, but also this is really relatable to me personally :(

And given how marriage was such a big deal in Taisho era, I imagine that it was a mixture of that and the pressure to conform and protect their daughter at the same time that led me to imagine that Mitsuri probably had a sheltered lifestyle.

And you know it's possible that I'm wrong about all of these lmao, but just the fact that she has a comparably normal childhood is a good enough reason as to why she's more positive and naive compared to her peers. I know this is all just a headcanon, but I do wish people can be a bit more considerate towards Mitsuri before hating on her for being "loud" "stupid" and "annoying"

[vigilskeep]

hi harker :) your post about the M!American VA for the Inquisitor being underrated & F!British VA being your least favorite had me wondering:

what are your opinions about the deliveries of all 4 VAs? as in, do you think there's some specific areas where each shines and/or falls flat in? or specific character archetypes they play well? (no worries if you don't really have an opinion on this tho ^^)

small disclaimer that i haven’t played the whole game with the majority of these so i am totally open to discussion from those who have

female british VA is my least favourite. like i say she does better in plot moments and i quite like the venom she puts into it when she’s angry but i can’t get over how really gratingly bland she sounds in casual conversation/when asking questions. she did not bring the effort for that and it’s so much of the game that i can’t let it slide. good for upper class characters who are a bit stiff and maybe a little socially inept. though actually, fun to play with f!cadash and probably also f!adaar (haven’t tried it) just because the voice itself by nature puts a different spin on those less traditional backgrounds for it

male british VA is okay! another posh one. he always sounds a little wry and amused, which comes off kind of emotionally disengaged. which is good in light scenes and for a certain type of character, but when the feelings should actually hit and he should get angry or upset, a lot of the time i don’t think it quite connects

american female VA is... also okay. i really like the basic sound of the voice and i think it’s very versatile in terms of character type. i also don’t think it had any super amazing moments that stuck in my memory to come to mind. kind of the opposite of the british female VA’s strengths and weaknesses i guess? but can i say i really dislike the assumption in some fan spaces that this voice is only usable for dwarves and qunari as if the actress isn’t literally a human woman like 😭 so weird. i loved her as my lavellan. to me, generally suits a more cool and experienced character

american male VA is easily the best experience i’ve had so far. listening to him do casual conversations is like... wow he is truly the only one of these four who showed up to work every day and actually performed rather than simply reading the lines off the script lmao. he comes off a little more gruff/aggressive overall imo. i do find his deep voice weird coming out of a tiny elven frame if you’re going for a lavellan but it’s not that strange. i still can’t fucking believe he’s zevran

overall i do not think the voice acting is that good in inquisition and i don’t think it’s the fault of the voice actors. from the way lines are often slightly misread compared to what it feels like the line’s intent must have been, or are sometimes just tonally bizarre for the scene, i get the impression the cast had very little direction and were left to do a lot of guesswork on their own

[evilwetbread]

why are people brewing up crack theories that ragatha is intentionally an evil manipulator . hang HANG ON !!!!! i must voice my thoughts on the matter i am not standing for this

wordwall incoming 🥰🥰🥰

so rags is a people pleaser, tho that probably goes w/o saying.

that trait in itself is a rather toxic one to have but i doubt she’s aware of that. she seeks solidarity in others and will do anything to be viewed as a form of support in order to give herself a sense of stability, and when she feels she isn’t viewed as such, she becomes incredibly insecure and desperate to “right the wrong” (like how she was constantly worrying over pomni in ep 2; she was both hurt by the events of ep1, and seeking validation that pomni doesn’t actually hate her, which resulted in both guilt-tripping and acting almost patronizingly towards her.) a lot of the time ragatha will simply act ingenuinely because she thinks it’s what will get people to enjoy her company.

saying that “she manipulates people into feeling helpless without her” feels so backwards to me cause for all intents and purposes, she acts the way she does because She’s the one who feels helpless if she isn’t of use to others. she wants to feel wanted, and in her mind that means never addressing when she’s upset or hurt. most of the time when she feels that way, it manifests through passive aggression (“oh and don’t worry about the whole Abandoning Me For The Exit thing!” at the time of saying that i doubt she was over it lmao)

and of course, she plays down the severity of the whole Trapped In The Circus situation too. looking on the bright side to a fault.

none of this, mind u, is intentionally antagonistic. is it messed up? yeah. but a lot of us would act the same way in her situation

personally i think it WOULD be fun to see ragatha do something horrible- not because she WANTS to, but because she’s oblivious to how truly damaging bottling things up can be.

i want to see her snap, i’ve seen both goose herself and rags’ VA allude to it on occasion. ep 5 is definitely one i can’t wait for teehee

anyways if u read this far thank u . and also take everything i said with a grain of salt just because i Dont Know what goose has planned for ragatha, but she definitely isnt INTENTIONALLY malicious

[yourlittlettoy]

Alright, it’s long overdue but let’s finally get a lil intro post going ☺️

Hi everyone!! My name is Cece 💕👋🏻 it’s so very nice to see you here 🥰😉

My pronouns are she/her 🎀 , I’m in my 20s 🙆🏻‍♀️, I’m bisexual 🤝🏻, and I’m a… lee 🙈 (18+ only on this account pls and thx ☺️)

T-wording (yeah yeah I can’t say the t-word, sue me lmao) is certainly my main kink, but I may or may not also have certain other “preferences” as well 😳 but you’ll have to find those out yourself if you were so inclined ~

I’m a shy gal, despite sharing more than a reasonable amount of traits as a typical golden retriever lol. I’m very nerdy, enthusiastic, curious to a fault, certified member of the good girl’s club 😇, and have so much love 4 u 💖💘💗!! However, unfortunately for you, even the love won’t stop me from being a serious pain in the butt. Consider this your warning ⚠️😂.

Last thing I really want to mention, is that I am not good at being consistent when it comes to responding to messages/asks. I just want to make it clear right now that: my response times or responses at all (or potentially lack thereof) does not reflect a lack of affection and/or enthusiasm towards getting to know you, valuing you, or appreciating your interaction! I truly am so thankful for each and every one of you that take time out of your day to reach out/interact with lil ol’ me 🥺 and in a perfect world I would be responding to everything and everyone with full attention and time devotion! I just also lead a busy life outside of Tumblr and often time is simply scarce. Please grant me this grace 😊 and believe me when I say I LOVE READING ALL YOUR INTERACTIONS whether I have a chance to tell you that in a response or not! Thank you for this treat even though I can’t always reciprocate 💞 (feel free to double/triple etc message to keep yourself at the top of my inbox if you really want a response tho! Cause believe me I wanna give it to you! So the frequent reminder helps!)

Anyway, if you made it all the way here, thank you for reading my intro post!! Welcome to my blog! Hope you enjoy your stay here 😚💝 stay lovely ✨💫⭐️

[alleyskywalker]

I finally got to writing down my thoughts/feelings/notes/reactions on S2E1 of HOTD. Under cut because spoilers.

Thie episode – but really just this show – had pacing issues, which was one of its biggest problems, very reminiscent of what entirely killed of the seeds of good or at least decent plot points in GoT S8. IDK what genius decided to cut the number of eps to 8 – or why, given that this show is very popular – but then they had this issue somewhat last season too. We are also starting to see how recklessly cutting characters comes back to bite you in the ass, at it’s just the start here.

With the episode/season paced as it is, there was no time to spend on Jace’s diplomatic endeavors. Were they strictly necessary? No, I guess, but they could have been…interesting? And helped him grow/develop/showcase to the audience as a character. Like, I actually want Jace to be a character this season, yk?

So given that, as much as I am sad that they cut my girl Sara Snow, I can’t be too mad about it because they just kinda…cut all of it for the most part.

The North intro was kinda funny tho. For a second I was so confused because I was like “is the KIT narrating this?” Cregan is very Northy-North lol. Is that sword Ice? “You, at least, have the mercy not to threaten me with your dragon.” – lol, I’m glad Cregan got this little snipe in at Jace for his Targ revisionism. Like, yea, sure “treated” aha. Also, I liked the little Decimation reference, complete with the white/black stones.

The Daemon and Rhaenys scene was good. I like that she takes no shit from his ass. Also liked her little monologue about how hearing of Laena’s death made her go into denial and she couldn’t start grieving until she actually saw her body. It feels very realistic.

This is not what I ever envisioned Alyn to look like lmao. He feels kinda too old? But on the other hand, I guess it maybe makes sense if he’s meant to be Corly’s son. Another question though: why are we getting introduced to him and not Addam first, given who the dragonrider will be? Are they…for some reason…merging the two brothers but keeping Alyn of the two???

AEGON this ep/season! Wow, this show is truly bipolar. First, they character assassinate him in S1 and now he’s so…idk, likeable isn’t really the word. But, compounded by TGC’s charm, he really, really has the potential to be a kind of sympathetic or at least fascinating character here. Excited to see this develop.

Loved seeing him as a father. Really, we needed more interaction between Aegon, Heleana and the twins, but you know. Pacing issues. The council scene with  Jaehaerys was adorable – that Aegon cares to bring his son into council, even if he’s a bit young for it now, but you can really see him trying to be the father he never got to have in Viserys. And you can see how much he adores this kid.

Really, Aegon, for all his impatience and lack of true competence is so clearly trying. He’s impatient to go to war, but brashness of youth of course, plus it’s not like Aemond is not chomping at the bit as well. But Aegon can be restrained (for now) and does listen to his councilors. You can say that’s a sign of his weak will, and yea in part it probably is, but it’s not a terrible trait really? For a young, inexperienced king to listen to more seasoned counsel.

AND THE PETITIONS SCENE. He genuinely wants to be a good king to the smallfolk, acknowledges them as a necessary backbone. No, he has no idea what he’s doing, but really who’s fault was that? (Looking at you, Vizzy.) It was a great bit of comic relief, especially with TGC’s acting, but also just a great portrayal of what an idealistic but really inexperienced, naïve, and not naturally-suited young king might be like. “He came all this way.” Awww. He tried lol.

Aegon and his buddies! I love seeing him have friends. Will be interested if they play any more significant roles (like during the war) than just background chatter. The banter was cute. Very dumbass teenage boys vibes.

Dalton Greyjoy mention!

Fuck Larys. That’s all I’m gonna say on that.

Aegon and Helaena’s conversation njglgjls. He really has not way how to communicate with her and she doesn’t really know how to convey her thoughts/feelings in general. But of course she’s afraid, poor girl :( But as estranged/kinda awkward their relationship is it doesn’t seem…terrible, yk?

The Alicent and Otta scene was nice. It felt like they found some understanding and a way to work together. But I do get the sense that yea, Otto is not completely satisfied with it (maybe Alicent’s definition of “victory” seemed lacking to him, which he’s not…entirely wrong there).

Luke’s funeral montage was very touching – the music was gorgeous. (I can only hope they allow Jae the same respect next ep…) Speaking of that montage, ahhhh Alicent in the sept praying for the dead… The fact this girl prays for Vizzy ffs. And also Luke. She recognizes that he was just a teenager and even though it pains her, she affords him his respect. As Criston says, “she has a gentle heart.”

Criston and Aemond’s conversation was so great on several levels!

First, of course, Aemond and his father-that-stepped-up making battle plans was great! They really do just have such a great camaraderie and dynamic of trust. Aemond believes in Criston’s excellence; they trust each other with secretive plans and vulnerable conversation. Loved the bit of Criston putting his hand on Aemond’s shoulder briefly before leaving the room.

The “that makes her a fool” line actually comes across better in context than it did in the tailer. (Although, still, who calls their mother by her name??) For one, Aemond’s frustration is understandable, he feels misunderstood and unfairly so (given that Alicent and the small council did start this whole thing, as he points out) but also he’s probably hurt, given his history with Luke. Remember how he had wanted to make a present of Luke’s eye to Alicent? He thought she was on the same page with him on this and she’s…not. Second, Aemond actually doesn’t realize this is what might be going on with Alicent – he seems kind of surprised after Criston’s explanation, the way that line is delivered. He’s having his realization out loud but he’s also not had time to digest it yet.

Ok SO I am in no way one of those weirdos who thinks that Alicent and Criston’s relationship is all about Rhaenyra (lol). BUT she is a point of common trauma for them. What Criston describes – Rhaenyra being a “cunning spider” and having an emotional influence over Alicent and Alicent capitulating to her because of her “gentle heart” is, yes, a description of Alicent, but it’s also a description of his own relationship with Rhaenyra, at least how it had felt from his POV. He understands Alicent’s feelings here so well and can empathize with her and defend her to Aemond because he loves her, yes, but also because he’s been there too.

OK, now ALICOLE.

I mean…Am I glad it’s canon? Well, yea, I’ve been shipping it super hard. Do they deserve to have consensual sex that brings them joy? Yes! Do I think it’s “hypocrisy”? Nope, lol, not matter now much TB screech that it is, it just isn’t. I’m pretty sure I’ve rebloged posts explaining why not.

That all said…man did they not handle this well, or at least certainly not in the best, most compelling way they could have. Now, I understand that my love for asexual/courtly love romance is not something most people share, so this relationship was going get physical if it was to be canon at all. Also, this show isn’t really the right genre for a drawn out slow burn romance, necessarily. But. It IS quite a big leap to suddenly go from “implied” and “romantic tension” to…fucking on a regular basis, just because Vizzy has finally kicked the bucket. Especially with these two characters.

Now, Alicent, I can get. She’s a widow, her marital vows no longer bind her. She has also completed her duty as a wife, mother and queen (re: providing heirs). Social interest in her private life is as low as it could ever be for a woman in that society. (So, not low enough really lol but historically, widows had a lot of freedom, compared to unmarried girls and wives.) But Criston? How does this work for him? His vows are still in place and he had been so heartbroken about having broken them the first time. I mean, yes, this is a very different situation and relationship. He’s older, he’s already broken those vows once so it’s like…how much he got to lose there? He can’t go back ever to NOT being an oathbreaker. But I really would have wanted to see some more set up. We should have seen them fight their irresistible pull toward each other, until they finally broke.

I did love her putting the cloak back on him afterward. A nice little anti-parallel to how he takes it off during the sex scene with Rhaenyra.

There really, really was no need to have Helaena walk in on them having sex after B&C. There had to be better ways to establish that this was a regular thing for them now and that the whole “we can’t do this again” is just Alicent/them being in denial. A way that didn’t take away from a moment that is/was supposed to be so horrific and impactful.

I do love the contrast of Alicent and Viserys always doing it missionary style and now with Criston she’s on top!

Blood & Cheese. Oh god. I have spent the last few days so angry about this. I’ve rebloged do many posts about this that I’m not sure I want to spend to much time on it. It’s just depressing at this point. But I will say a couple of things:

Helaena’s reaction does make sense to me. I’ve seen a lot of people, including TG people, saying that it was bad, and she should have been more frantic. But, frankly, she did seem pretty panicked and frantic to me. It’s just this Helaena does not emote/externalize much. At some point it seems like she almost dissociates from the situation. It’s understandable that she picks up her daughter and runs – she can’t save her son but while the assassins are distracted, of course she takes the chance to try to save her daughter. Even the necklace thing kind of makes sense. In the books, she asks them to kill her in part because she can’t stand to make the awful choice between her two boys – she’s rather die than choose. But here she hears them talk about her being a son; when they reject her necklace they also repeat how “that’s not a son.” Only a son will do, so offering her life is pointless, but trying to outbid the person who hired them might not be.

 The people (TB, lbr) shrieking about how this was Alicent and Criston’s fault are just willfully dense. If Alicent wasn’t having sex, she might have been sleeping or reading in her room or preying. There is literally nothing that implies that she would have been with Helaena if she wasn’t having sex, ffs. Also, Criston is not the only fucking kingsguard or guard. Wtf were there like no other guards idk. That’s just a plot hole/devise that looks ridiculous. But nonetheless, he 1) isn’t on duty 24/7, that’s unrealistic, and 2) is Alicent’s sworn shield, so he wouldn’t have been guarding Helaena or the kids anyway.

This is where we see that cutting Maelor was a BAD IDEA. It’s going to potentially create even more problems down the line. Who would have thought that cutting characters left and right might be an issue? /s It really diminishes the horror of Helaen’s situation and sets up this kind of unrealistic replacement choice which makes no sense because like…why would they even need her to tell them which one is the boy? It’s not that hard to feel the kids up and see which one has the right genitals, yk? I’ve seen people try to do some interesting analysis for how this scene is Thematically Relevant but nah. That’s just cope the way I used to cope with things in GoT that went wrong in the last seasons by doing metal gymnastics to try to spin them in a more palatable way for me.

But even if they fucked up on the foresight and found themselves with a situation where they needed to play this without Maelor…They could have still tried harder. For example: framing it less from the assassins’ POV and more from Helena’s, having the scene be longer, maybe in these circumstances have her try to offer her life/emote more like in the book, have Alicent actually be present too, have the rape threat against Jaehaera, have Daemon actually order Jae’s murder or at fucking least have him say “a son for a son” on screen because you KNOW the rabid part of this fanbase will act willfully blind and dumb to pretend he’s not at fault. I really think it’s that last one that makes me the most angry in the end, as the murder of a toddler is awful and horrific even without the Sophie’s choice.

And to piggy-back off that last, it’s the diminishing of the horror for TG and the whitewashing of TB as much as possible that gets to me the most, I think. They made this horrific, impactful event almost a par for the course (for the GoT/ASOIAF universe) sort of thing and with as little responsibility and plausible deniability given to TB as they could. The blatant bias (that they then have the audacity to pretend isn’t there) is infuriating.

In conclusion: there were plenty of nice things, but the disappointments really overshadowed them.

[themessyaofmind]

so i've been thinking why the fuck this thing with buck and tommy shock me to the core? man, i've survived WORSE than a break up with other ships before. Whats worse than main characters death? or love confession causing one of them to be dragged into super hell? or when they jump to a cliff together (and thats it the show dont even bother to explain if they alive or not)? or the ship whereas they were assigned to kill each other?

and i come to a conclusion that it is my own expectation that kills me! it isnt even my fault tho, to have such a high expectation because the last few episodes, hell nah, even since their first meeting it feels like something sparks more between them that makes me wanna keep hoping and wishing there will be more! and sure as hell they give us more through chemistry, soft touches, backstory for tommy, him calling buck as evan, him hanging out with eddie, with 118.. what else should i do beside believing that this is it, buck will finally settle himself with someone who truly understand him and his found family.

but then 8x06 happened (which i dont think i can watch the entire ep) and im trying to find out where i was wrong? did i watch all those prev eps about them in a wrong way? and my current answer is NO, all those things that i saw in prev eps are still there. tonight ep is just something.. that need to happened outside those things? idk how to explain it but im starting to at least trying to get the purpose behind this story line for the sake of my sanity lmao

anyway, i'm done with my lil mental breakdown 🤣 i guess i'll still live in my own bubble of bucktommy's world through all those amazing fanfics out there in ao3 or here in tumblr dot com!

i'll try to continue watching 911 if i can because my baby bi buck obviosly still there and i honestly do like the other characters even though it will break me everytime i realize tommy won't be there anymore

and special thanks to ✨️Lou Ferrigno Jr✨️ for bring us the better version of tommy kinard, the first and probably the best boyfriend that evan buckley has ever have 🥰

[dearjjunie]

always (kang taehyun x gn!reader)

wc: 901

genre: angst, fluff, right person wrong time au

warnings: hint towards sex in the beginning (literally the tiniest hint), a lot of late night/early morning emotions put into this :,)

a/n: this is my first time in years writing a fic so i apologize in advance ! but i will be working hard to improve my writing in hopes to make you guys happy ! (even tho this may be angsty oops.) pls remember to like and reblog if you enjoy <3 mwah

he looks down at you laying against his chest, you look so peaceful he couldn’t even think about waking you up right now. moving your hair from covering your face as he kisses the top of your head “you deserve more than this” he whispers softly into the night as you shuffle and pull him closer, if he had it his way he would stay in this place forever. holding you close, saying sweet nothings knowing you won’t hear him or remember, but keeping hope that maybe his words will become a part of your dreams, that maybe it’ll be different next time. slipping away as quietly as he can to make sure you’re asleep, looking back one last time before he closes the door.

it always ended like this, with you waking up alone in a bed with memories of him still there. the slight dip and creases in the sheets that he left behind, the faint smell of his cologne still in the air, the tooth brush he left behind knowing that even after the cycle of push and pull continues, he’ll always be back.

it would start with a text, claiming it would be different, he changed, telling you he wanted you truly and only you. only to be left with nothing but the remains of his presence that he left behind, no matter how hard you try to stay away you come running back just as fast as he does. but you weren’t innocent at all, it was equal fault if not the universe itself for making soulmates meet at the wrong time.

maybe one day you can both get it right.

that’s the day you decided to make it work.

a few months later you’re laying in bed with your mind racing, endless thoughts of him, your future, anything and everything going around your head, things have been so good, the only thing you need is him. you groan as you fail to doze off again, not finding a comfortable sleeping position anywhere. ‘fuck it’ you say as you reach for your phone on the bedside table, praying to the universe this time will be different.

yn

why is sleep so uncomfortable

delivered 4:38 am

taehyun

why are u awake . it’s 4 am

delivered 4:40 am

yn

i could ask u the same lmao

delivered 4:41 am

taehyun?

delivered 4:42 am

do you wanna meet at our spot?

delivered 4:44 am

i cant stop thinking about you

delivered 4:44 am

taehyun

i’ll be there in a bit just wait for me at the tree

delivered 4:53 am

slipping on some comfy warm clothes and shoes, you start your way towards the tree that has become your designated meeting spot to get away from the world.

after a short walk you arrive, sitting on the ground with your back against the tree and pulling your knees closer to your body, you sigh and take in the view around you, checking your phone for the time that stares back at you. 5:12. less than half an hour before blue hour, the magical hour as everyone calls it. you wish with everything in you that was true, you needed something to work out right.

hearing footsteps and raising your head up, noticing the blue-haired male also in comfy clothes standing a few feet away from you, he walks over and grabs your hand to pull you up, with no words spoken you both start walking up the hill to your spot.

once you got to the top you sit on the hill with him following your actions, your eyes gazing over the city below. all those people with such different lives, everyone being different but always the same.

you feel his eyes on you, looking towards him as you tear up “i’m tired of this game, i want you. only you.” looking into those brown eyes full of stars as you admit what you’ve been holding in for so long.

he turns his body towards you and motions you to do the same, grabbing your face with both hands as he wipes your tears with his thumb. “it’s always been you, only you.” you let out a sob as you cling onto him, wondering how things got so complicated so quick, why it took so long for the emotions overwhelming you to break free.

he pets your hair as you pull away, looking deep into his eyes for any signs of hesitation, any sign that this was like the other times, only to find nothing but love and adoration. “i’m sorry i took so long, but i know what i want. you.” he whispers to you with sincerity.

you look over to the city again, seeing the blue hue over the scene in front of you, looking down at your phone as you get a notification, with him curiously doing the same as the time turns right in front of you. 5:53. you look back up at each other “i need us to be real this time” is all you’re able to get out before he’s softly pressing his lips against yours, this kiss is different from past ones, used to the rough lust-filled kisses. breaking away from the gentle kiss, you look into his eyes and smile for the first time that day “then let’s be real” he smiles and leans in for another kiss. today was the day you were both determined to stay.

[blackmagickwolf]

in honor of the new LiS game coming out i think it's time for me to actually yell into the void my LiS Amphibia AU idea, bc fuck yes

okay so, it WOULD be easy to place Marcy in Max's place bc she moves away and Sasha in Chloe's bc rebel punk and all that... but we're NOT DOING THAT

HERE we're placing Marcy in Chloe's place, having been the one "left behind" and Anne being the one that moves away. That leaves us with Sasha. Sasha here is... (drumroll) Rachel Amber. DUN DUN DUN

SHE DOESN'T DIE THO! NOT IN THIS AU SHE DOESN'T!! NOBODY DIES!! (just some people that do need to die, but not our main girlies)

these dynamics would be SO tasty to explore mostly bc we have an angry, spiteful, defiant, punk-rock Marcy. instead of Joyce and David it would be Olivia and Yunan, and they're at their wits end (lmao) bc even tho Marcy's... behavioural issues are at the forefront of things with her most of the time, she actually never stopped appliying herself with school. if that, she actually became more applied (her escapism here is of course still her games and books, but also her schoolwork, bc then it means she gets to leave, and if Anne ever comes back and she's not there? well, it wasn't her fault now, was it?). in Blackwell Academy she would be focusing on digital art, for her webcomic.

Sasha as Rachel Amber i feel it doesn't really need to be changed a lot lmao. her dad is rich and her mom walked out and that ofc gave her ✨issues✨, and so one day she finds Marcy, maybe at the junkyard while they're both separetly trying to do some mischif (Sasha doing graffiti, Marcy chucking things into a fire) and they bond over her woes and the like. at Blackwell she would be focusing on music, writing and composition.

Now for Anne! i feel like she would want to go to Blackwell mostly so she could see Marcy again. those years she spent away she did make friends, but those friends weren't Marcy. she started to take up photografy bc she "wanted to show Marcy all the new things and places they could go when/if Marcy visited", and obviously that never happened but she ended up liking the hobby enough that she started to go pro, tho she likes using analog cameras the most. she's like her show self in the way that she's just adrift in life, her only real goal being seeing Marcy again, so she tells her parents she want's to study photografy and of course Blackwell is the best choise.

everyone is like their S1 selves personality wise at the beginning, but the inminent threat of the end of the world and time and space just fucking collapsing make them have their character arcs in speedrun lmao.

IT'S SASHANNARCY!!! and it's such a clusterfuck 💖

Marcanne love eachother v much but Marcy has now abandonment and anger issues to deal with while also wanting to hold Anne and never letting her go again, and Anne just feels so guitly for practically ghosting her childhood best friend, so they're walking on eggshels the most of the time.

Sasharcy truly try to bring the best in eachother, but end up bringing up the worst most of the time. they enable eachother a lot, but sometimes (just some) they do get the emotional mature brain cell enought to not just fall to pieces bc they love eachother so much they'd to several legally and morally questinable things for the other.

Sashanne, oof. Sasha wants to hate Anne. that's the person that caused Marcy so much hurt! but she just... can't. she is absolutely smitten and whipped for Anne (for Marcy too, but in a different way) and feels guilty about it bc she feels like she's betraying Marcy by not hating her. and Anne for her part at first feels jelous and intimidated by how strong of a bond Sasharcy have, and kinda doesn't like Sasha for her Head Bitch In Charge attitude/persona she puts at school, but THEN she sees her defending Kate (she's staying there as a character) from Victoria (she's also staying as a character), and sees her in a different light.

Sasha and Anne would see eachother more frecuently at first bc they're both in the dorms and Marcy isn't (but she stays over visits so much she might as well be. the dorm sign says SASHA in big bold letters and at the bottom theres a little "and Mar-Mar" added), but they all meet for the first time (as in Sasha and Anne meet eachother and Marcy and Anne see eachother again after years) in the dorms a few days before classes start, and just a couple of days after the move-in day (i feel i need to disclose that i am not a USA citizen so i have 0 idea how dorms work) enough that everyone is fresh in the dorm but Anne's parents are not there anymore.

I just have such the strong visuals of Sasha lounging on her bed either reading or on her phone, the door is open, Marcy is sitting like a gremlin on the little desk chair (you know, the ones with lil wheels) playing some game on her switch and she wants to show Sasha something, so she kicks the chair around so it moves and turns so she can show her something on the screen.

meanwhile Anne started to hang out with some of the girls and maybe Kate invites her out for tea or someone else invites her out of the dorm, and on her way almost out she passes by an open door and just hears

"Sashy!! look! godamnit you GOTTA look at this!!" followed by someone else's laugh

and she goes COLD. bc she knows that voice. it's been years and she will never forget that voice. so she literally backpedals and sees Marcy and a blonde girl she doesn't know. and can only say

"...Marcy?" still as a fucking statue and almost in shock

and Marcy, who was mid leaning in the chair trying to show some horny character design (she was playing Hades in her switch, i have just decided) to Sasha for them to joke about, just fucking freezes and as consequense just crashes in the fucking chair. Sasha catches her before she hits the ground tho, and is so focused on Marcy that doesn't even notice some is at her door until Marcy speaks

"...Anne??" and she sounds so incredulous that Anne is kinda hurt. Marcy for her part, thinks she's got a concussion, bc there is no way that Anne Boonchuy is right there, in Arcadia Bay and more importantly in Blackwell Academy.

at the moment of the fall anne also reacted but a bit slower than Sasha, so she's left with literally just a foot at the door and an arm mid reach motion. Sasha is confused as fuck and looking between Marcy and Anne as she connects the dots, dawning realisation making a tension so thick like a boba pear stuck on a straw. Anne then is about to talk when

"Anne! hurry or we'll miss the bus!" and the tension is broken. Anne backtracks out of the room and turns to the person calling and to Marcy in quick succession

"I-?... you??...gonna- later!" and runs away, following the calling friend "I'm coming!!"

Marcy proceeds to have a slight breakdown and ends up falling asleep with Sasha hugging her. that's the first time she stays the night in Sasha's dorm (the first of many)

by the time Anne comes back to the dorms, the door is closed.

[randomgentlefolk]

CPC CHAPTER 164

I'm crying on the ground. Sobbing with my cat yet again. I feel so peaceful and destroyed at the same time.

Lambcat really said we should start the year with a breakdown huh

I'm gonna hold my breakdown until I talk about the moment.

Lance to the rescue!! Man I love that guy. I also really love how he looks in the panel I put as my pfp. He looks so soft and gentle :')

The interaction between Lance and Lorena is rising my hope that they will still be friends after the chaos ends.

This did caught me off guard lmao 😭 I'm sorry for saying this but is he implying that he has a thick skull because nahh he did himself dirty

Y'ALL IT'S THE MOMENT WE'VE (or at least me haha) ALL BEEN WAITING FOR. Lance!!! Fighting against his kingdom!!! I'm so proud of him YOU GO LANCE!!!

Huge respect for Lance and his friends tho for CARRYING THAT HUGE PILLAR LIKE WHAT. Remember when I said something along the line of "if Frederick say he's weak while he can carry an entire llama, then I'm terrified of what Lance can do"? Yea this just proved my point.

Also I'm going to keep saying that Lance is going to have a sick scar with that x mark.

I once again wonder what is the legal age for alcohol in cpc? In US and the country I live in, the legal age is 21. But I think it's 18 in UK right? If it's 18 in cpc then that makes sense because Lance is 19 and Blaine is 20 (i'm saying this because of the beer pong comment by Lance's friend)

Sheesh, I hope Leland will be defeated from the king position soon. I don't want anyone to be executed. That would be disturbing.

Oooh!! Syrah and Saffron probably showing their fighting skill in the future episodes??? I hope so!!

Thank you Maria! It's nice to see that The pastel siblings now believe that Frederick truly loves Gwen.

Feeling like your legs are paralyzed whenever you're gonna face something you're terrified of is so real :( you can do it, Frederick! I believe in you!!

LELAND CHILL???? MAN YOUR HANDS ARE BLEEDING. Eat a snickers damnit. You're not you when you're going through a heart break xd

Oh. Okay. Ouch. Massive ow. Y'know when I said how the Monika's room episode and Frederick's monologue about what he wants really hits for me? Well add this to the list because wtfff.

Aww Gwegg :( She kept blaming herself even though it really isn't her fault. What Gwen said is pretty comforting though. Them apologizing to each other </3 It really is the shit when you realize you haven't treat yourself kindly. Like when you keep wondering why everything is wrong then you look at your inner self and go "oh. That's why".

GWEN SAYING "No matter what happens, I'll never let go of you again!" HAJWHSIWBS

INTOOOOO LEELATHAE'S BACKSTORY!!

*cue 1996 batman transition*

Aww the births of The Pastel Siblings! Though Leelathae's thought during each of the births...it breaks my heart :( it seems that she view the births of The Pastel Siblings as a way to apologize for her "mistake" (in which she didn't make any mistake at all), even though it shouldn't be like that at all...

I'm surprised no animals appear at Maria's birth lol. I was really expecting for a deer or birds to suddenly appear haha.

This IS making me a bit worried though. I don't know much about child births and stuff but while it is normal to still feel pain after giving birth, is it possible that there were some complications leading to Leelathae's dead 3 years after giving birth to Gwen and Jamie? I'll let someone more knowledgeable to figure out what is happening with Leelathae since I have no idea at all.

Anyway! Finally, a close up on Pastel Siblings as babies!! I know we've seen them before in the portraits beside Jack's bed, but it's nice to see them clearer.

Initially, I was worried how Leelathae would react to Gwen, but nevermind that

I'm so happy about this scene :') Leelathae realizing how beautiful Gwen is, even calling her the most beautiful in all the land. Also her saying as long as Gwen thinks she's beautiful, then what other people think doesn't matter makes me sob. Mother love is always something so touching.

On the other hand though, it made me a little confused now on why she asked Jack to lock up the children and never let them out. Looking at one of the fast pass episode's thumbnail, maybe it's because of the witch? We're nearing the end and there are still so many questions.

And now, INTO THE PRESENT! And the moment....

*cue 1996 batman transition*

I'M. I'M GONNA CRY. The fact that Gwen doesn't recognize Leelathae?? The fact that they're wearing the same robe???

WHEN LAMBCAT SAID THERE WASN'T ENOUGH GUT PUNCHES, SHE WAS BEING FR. I don't have anything to say about this scene, but at the same time I want to say a lot about this scene. Gwen's mom telling her that she's beautiful, Gwen crying without knowing why, I'm going to cry.

But hey, Gwegg is finally whole again! True love kiss is real after all ^_^ i love how Lambcat does a little spin at the classic true love kiss. But now that Gwen is finally awake...Well, let's just wish her, Frederick, Aurelia, and Celso good luck at dealing with the officially confirmed big bad wolf/serpent, Leland.

We kinda should thank Leland a bit, though. If he wasn't there ripping off all of the thorny veins, Gwen would get pretty hurt if she still wakes up while sitting up

Yooo the newest fast pass being the final chapter of Leelathae's diary? I hope we will have our questions answered!! And the fact that there's a witch in the thumbnail...hm.

That's it for now!

Mono out! (But still in to hear your thoughts)

[andvys]

Okay I’m now thinking about one of those trends of ‘meeting your younger self’ for Steve and Cheer… how sad would their younger selves be to see that they didn’t get married, that their relationship was so different now that even though they still adored one another they didn’t truly know each other anymore. Not in the way they once did, they aren’t intertwined with each other anymore

me even tho i know it’s my fault that they didn’t end up together LMAO

STOP THIS MAKES ME WANNA CRY EVEN MORE MY BABIES 😭

their younger selves would be distraught!!!! like “what do you mean we don’t stay together!? he/she is the one” 😭😭😭😭

[starofhisheart]

MAJOR SPOILERS FOR OFMD S2 EP6-7 under the cut

Ok, that was A LOT. I have so many feelings but no coherence so i'm gonna do this bullet point form but def not in order, just in order of me remembering wtf happened lol

-IZZY AND WEE JOHN IN DRAG!!!!! Wee John looked STUNNING with that Divine-esque appearance and Izzy had that transmasc drag king kind of thing going on (iykyk) that made me love him even more

-Izzy singing LA VI EN ROSE took me tf out!!! i'm glad he got to finish it after the *ahem* distractions bc Con's voice is so beautiful I could listen to it forever. We better get it in the album!!! Also someone posted the lyrics translated and i cannot get over the lyrics:

"It's him for me,/And me for him, for life/He told me, he swore to me, for life"

-But not only was he singing the second half had fucking gentlebeard doing the dirty in the next room asdfghjkl which.....was hot, ngl. The passion was electrifying. I'm sorta glad we didnt rlly see it with everything that happened after bc it all kinda left a bad taste in my mouth.

Also Stede Bonnet canonically gets turned on by violence confirmed

Or trauma. Whatever.

-What else happened in ep 6 cause all i can think of is drag and singing and sex-

-oh yeah there was that shortlived sexually-charged torturer who i distinctly recall him being in another scene in the promo so unless that got the cut perhaps he's not dead...?

-Lupete missing all the action cause they were doing the nasty all night lmao so real

-Jim best wingman (gender neutral)

-Stede...Stedey boy, can I call u that? Now i'm gonna say this nicely, but WHAT THE FUCK DUDE? Stede in his white guy w undue confidence era fr. Zheng Yi Sao was so right for what she did truly

-But in all seriousness i feel like this whole thing in ep 7 was such a parallel to s1 but also a very necessary bit of conflict in their journey together that was bound to happen. THey want different things and neither is wrong or right for that. Stede did react poorly tho but like he just had sex w the love of his life, his first man, and Ed the very next day is like "aight i'm out". I'd be pissed too. After killing someone which we know is a big trigger for him historically.

But Ed also had a valid reaction. He's wanted to retire for a while and stede knows this but it hasn't seemed to have sunk in quite yet. He fears that Stede only sees Blackbeard and...its fair of him to have that impression tbh. These are two messy, traumatized dudes who have never had a real relationship and there's gonna be bumps. I hope we get s3 so we can better explore that like Djenks wants.

-Ok back to the fun stuff:

-Izzy barging in on GB and the docking joke. love his cringefail ass.

-IZZY IS HAPPY FOR ED EVEN IF ITS NOT WITH HIM

#growth

-the edizzy apology which was so typical of them. i expected it but bc i'd been building it up in my head all week w twitter pals it felt a bit anticlimactic but thats not the shows fault. it was very much in character and if they're satisfied so am i. i always have fic for more

-stizzy commiserating over losing ed pls thats all i've ever wanted!!!!!

izzy: "when i told him i loved him he-"

stede, like he's heard this story before: "shot u yes"

and the look they gave each other after!!!!! stizzy nation how we feelin?!

-izzy being like "stede no" when he was on his macho bullshit w zheng yi sao (also motivated by trauma bc he just lost ed, he cant lose MORE family!!!). i just like how protective iz seems of stede now.

-izzy''s "you're good for him" CRYING THROWING UP ETCETERA

-ed catching 1 fish and deciding thats his life now. adhd realness fr

-the swede whew is it hot in here or is that just jackie's effect on her husbands?

-jackie and ed actin like old friends. swede highkey shading ed adfghjkl

-anyway im sure there's more but i need to rewatch. there r things i wont go into bc its possible spoilers for the finale (tho its mostly just speculation some is based on bts not everyone may have seen). i am looking forward to and terrified for the show to end next week thats all i'll say

[impmansloot]

Anon with re: Vivienne post

Ah, got you, got you! My bad, haven't put all the ideas you outline together, but yes, I do feel like with Vivienne it is a very unpleasant display of prejudice towards black woman with. I won't call it character flaws strictly? With nuanced personality maybe?

Have a feeling that if she was white or, even better, white guy the reception would have been maybe not dramatically, but definitely different. Certainly more room given to express opinions players would disagree with.

She is nuanced, that's true, but I think I can consider her loyalist stance a flaw to me personally, it's generally something that for many players who are pro-mage puts her into a morally gray area--the same way cassandra being a super cop seeker and сullen being an ex-templar does--but I'd argue she's much more sympathetic because actually Vivienne cares deeply about mages and the tranquil too if you care to learn more about her. Probably the same way Sera cares about the poor and doesn't want to see any more blood of her people. (we do love cass btw even if she gives us nothing as a divine). And she also truly cares about you if you befriend her.

But if we're talking actual flaws there's her cattiness (which is just fun most times let's be real), her envy (towards Morrigan), and then there's classism too (towards Sera and Solas, there might be more tho?), and as a Divine she still pretty violently dissolves the College of Enchanters formed by independant mages if you had an alliance with them during the game. Don't get me wrong, Dorian is at fault with most of those too, and listen my guy literally excuses slavery at some point which is. yeah. not great. it's a product of the society he lived in and he does change his views, but i think he doesn't do this until like tevinter nights afair and I've barely seen people grilling him on that, he's still one of the most adored companions

Reception totally would be different. I mean, reception to Сullen is way more positive than to Vivienne overall, and he's not even a loyalist mage, he's pretty much a templar who has a clear dislike of mages (unless you romance him and you're apparently not like other mages). No hate to сullenites btw... just making a point. but also if you like сullen but hate vivienne what's your excuse lmao

Either way all dai characters are flawed in some way but most times it just makes them more realistic unless we're talking plainly bad writing of course. It's just Vivienne gets more heat for it

[leliwardens]

Hello! I love reading your posts about leliana, and was wondering in your canon inquisition worldstate....who eventually became Divine, and do you think they're the right choice? 👀

HI HELLO THANK YOU FOR READING AND LIKING MY POSTS. I sure do love making them audskfsdf.

In my canon it's Vivienne! As for "right" choice...hmmmm. OOC wise, I try to approach Dragon Age with a no truly correct good/bad or right/wrong mindset when it comes to choices, and try to do roleplay aspects for it. Like my Warden keeps the Anvil and my Hawke has the templar!ending for IC reasons. For Divines tho, I feel this so strongly because I think they all have their own faults and shortcomings, even Leliana, honestly especially Leliana even if she's my pookie wookie love of my life. (To no one's surprise I have so many thoughts about Leliana and her approach to being Divine and her reforms and her radical politics...like girl the elves we gotta talk about that!)

But IC wise for the choice itself, it's actually very simple. My Inq is a spirit of hope, purely, not even an abomination just a spirit stuck in a flesh body until Trespasser and the first thing Leliana tells her about in Haven is wanting to never leave her Warden's side again after everything is over, and being a spirit that is rather simple with few complex thoughts (at the time at least) Hissera took that as a request. Further solidified with the Warden's letter to Leliana ("Guide her back to the light? I understand! I will guide her back to you! Her dearest is her light!!! :)").

So there's no politics or moral choices to Hissera, or even any sort of forward thinking that Leliana would bring "hope" long term, just "I did what your desired and now you will never be separated again!" Then Leliana has to not only grapple with such a massive, huge world changing decision was made on such a simple whim, but also learn you were all kinda one step away from possible annihilation with how influenced Hissera could be due to her nature lmao.

AND why for Vivienne over Cassandra, is despite her frosty relationship with "Compassion", she still works with spirits as a Knight-Enchanter and strongly opposes demons, which is enough for Hissera to consider her one of her closest companions and support her as Divine. Though she's still not grasping the scope of it really even then and is just "hooray for Vivienne!"

[diamondcitydarlin]

idk I guess it's an unpopular opinion (tho again maybe not because I feel like for as much as that was a TRAGIC cliffhanger we're all kinda like...into it, right? lmaooo) but I feel like the break-up was a long time coming and needed to happen in order for them to progress the relationship forward. Of course I love post season one fics where they're already a couple after failed armageddon and everything's perfect and fine and that's kind of what I just entertained until I knew more of the story was going to be told because IN THAT CASE!!

I guess it's been said already, but I've always felt like for as close as they were at the end of season one and for as much as it seems like they've carved out a niche for themselves that works, there's something about it that has always felt sort of tenuous for me, and I feel like it's manifested in times that I've written them in post season one, either solo or in RP with a friend. Sometimes it's heaven/hell not being done with them and only pretending to stand back while thinking of a way to get them, but often it's that plus their own sense of loyalty to themselves or outer entities, etc.

As season 2 establishes and as I always kind of suspected, Aziraphale has never really 'given up' on heaven, perhaps not aided by the fact that I don't think Crowley ever gave him specific details of what went on during his trial. The tribulations of the first act of the story don't really destroy Aziraphale's confidence in what he's always believed to be true, it just leads him to think the wrong people have been in charge, still leaving him with this sense of 'this = good' and 'this = bad' and, well...Crowley is still a demon.

Now, of course, Crowley usually falls into a rationalized category of 'Not Like Other Demons' for Aziraphale and most of the time that's fine, but when push comes to shove it turns into a bigger, more divisive issue than anything they can ignore because, ultimately, Az thinks everything will be fine once they're both on the same side of 'good'. Once Crowley is as he used to be. Because surely that's what he REALLY wants as well?? WHO WOULDN'T WANT TO BE AN ANGEL??

And in that way, Crowley has his own sense of loyalty that clashes with Aziraphale's, but I think it's really a loyalty to himself. I don't mean that in a derogatory way at all. I don't mean to imply that he really IS selfish and evil. I mean to say that Crowley has accepted who and what he is, that for as much as God's forsaking of him still haunts his sense of self, he accepts his fate with lurid enthusiasm. Unforgivable, that's what he is. Fine! Because if earning god or heaven's love means being other than what he really truly is and wants to be, then it means nothing and also fuck them.

In that way though, Aziraphale is also 'not like other angels' for Crowley, because there's this sort of understanding that he either doesn't care or accepts him anyway and honestly I think the reason Crowley avoids talking about that for so long is because he doesn't really want to know which it is. But then he finds out, because circumstances have forced them to. And I notice that while he is devastated, he doesn't seem surprised. Sort of like Crowley always knew they were going to have to face this crossroads eventually and knew what Aziraphale was going to choose.

I can't really fault either of them for making their respective choices. If anything, my admiration for Crowley's character has increased a hundred fold and I was already partial to him lmao. It's not easy to choose yourself and your own self-preservation and the truth of who you are over anything else, over the threat of really, truly being alone, but...he does, and I think there's a takeaway in that. And I get where Aziraphale is coming from too, even for how painful and seemingly selfish it is (but I don't think it is, not in intention anyway).

idk this became a ramble but I feel like it all makes sense and is crucial to really exploring what that love between them could truly be in the end.