#it truly does feel like other people are just having a wildly different experience in the world than i am sometimes

[gideonisms]

this is going to make me sound way too online which at this point is a given. anyway I think that online interactions about shared interests are the way I prefer to make friends full stop. like I have been only partially successful in making friends irl and the experience usually gives me so much anxiety that the process of getting there is grueling. but the people I made friends with 7 years ago due to shipping the same anime boys are like, still my friends and we interact multiple times a week. idk what to do with this information hvjklllkjjk

[emmitaaa4]

I want to preface this little rant by saying that I am all for ship and let ship—at the end of the day none of this has any significance, and we should all get to enjoy our silly little ships to our heart’s content. Me personally I just want Elain to do whatever the hell she wants and be happy in the end. That being said, rn I just felt like getting something off my chest.

From what I have seen and understood, most of The Other Side believes that Azriel feels entitled to Elain. That he sees her as a sexual object, or at the very most as a rebound he doesn’t truly care for, nor respect; he does not think of her beyond what he can get from her sexually. They say his attitude towards her is toxic in its ‘possessiveness’; he doesn’t consider her an equal, for he sees her as a perpetual damsel in distress he must save; his attraction to her / feelings for her are a symptom of some twisted trauma response.

We know that they believe that. We’ve heard it. Over and over and over. Since 2021. Hell, everybody’s momma probably knows it, too, with the way that rhetoric is spread. But Elriels have made it plenty clear that we have a very different interpretation of the text and do NOT agree with those assessments of Azriel (nor half the things the poor man is diagnosed with, bless his fictional soul), considering what we do know of Azriel’s character and his relationship with Elain, based on the books--and yes, the bonus (see this, this, and this post). Otherwise—i.e. if we believed him an incel x fuckboy hybrid (probs the first of his kind!) who is only interested in getting her in is bed—we would obviously not be shipping them together: most of us (99% I’d say lol) care about Elain more than we do Az, or care about them both just as much.

So it is getting pretty tiring to see us shippers—the actual humans behind the screen—labelled as having a toxic/immature view of what love is, of being “too young/naive” to see the supposed red flags, of mistaking lust for love because we have not experienced a healthy relationship (?), of actually promoting toxic relationships & advocating for toxic masculinity (which someone told me on tiktok just now)(stay away from tiktok, folks). Those generalizations are wild to me, not only because they are wildly untrue and condescending, but because Elriels are a colorful bunch, you know—when you’re speaking of the fandom Villain™, you’re speaking of people of every demographic, speaking of daughters mothers grandmothers, depressed uni students (pardon the self-insert), etc... I need to get thicker skin, but those statements can get pretty hurtful in the long run. And I’m tired of feeling the need to justify myself as if we’re wrong for shipping two people who MUTUALLY want one another and lets be serious, no its not “just lust”.

I know I know, I am probably being dramatic. But it’s just weird to see a ship being so demonized and its shippers along with it, all because louder portions of the fandom disagree with our opinions and insist on toxifying ours. Just to be clear, I know that many have had unpleasant experiences/interactions with Elriels, just like many Elriels have had the same with Gwynriels and/or Eluciens. I condone none of the disgusting behaviour I’ve seen from some shippers, and in fact I abhor it. As everyone should.

To end this on a good note.

Elriels, I say we run with it. Az wants Elain for himself. He is jealous and his mind is plagued by thoughts of her. Her presence is too much to bear, for he can’t stand to be in the same room as her and pretend like he feels nothing. He is ready to beg on his knees for a chance to worship her, and it took Nesta one look to see it.

AZ IS OBSESSED AND I SAY WE EMBRACE IT.

[that-ari-blogger]

A Gift (Labyrinth Runners)

One thing about The Owl House that fascinates me is its relationships. The series is about complexity, and so the relationships function a lot like the characters. They have tropes they appear to fit into but are more intricate upon closer inspection.

Labyrinth Runners is an episode that highlights this specifically, to the point where the theme shows up in almost every single shot.

Let me explain.

SPOILERS AHEAD: (The Owl House, One Piece, Lord Of The Rings)

Let’s start with the opening scene. Gus makes a friend, except that friendship is built on a manipulation, then he makes a real friend in Willow. We have a bad relationship, and a good relationship established, and that recurring motif/Chekhov’s gun that is the breathing thing.

We also have our perspective character, who is neurodivergent. Now, despite being neurodivergent myself, I am about as far from an expert as you can get, but I can see myself in Gus.

This actually relates to the themes mentioned above, because in my experience, neurodivergence affects how a person interacts with people. It makes interpersonal skills less intuitive, and as such, makes relationships more complicated to navigate.

There is a cannon event amongst neurodivergent folk of catastrophically misreading a room and having that memory burned into your brain. That’s what I mean here.

I am not going to go into depth on this reading of Gus and how it impacts individual scenes, purely because I don’t know enough and don’t know what is neurodivergence and what is just me projecting. I am more complex than the label, and judging by what show I’m analysing, I would hazard a guess that Gus is as well. But again, I can barely identify that the term fits us both, I don’t know what is and isn’t part of that.

If someone does know more, please enlighten me in the replies and reblogs and stuff.

Anyway, the episode then begins in earnest, and let’s just highlight a few small elements before we get into anything big.

Bump and the illusions professor immediately move between the fake coven head and Edric. Their relationship with each other is displayed by how quickly they both make the exact same decision, and the fact that they move in tandem. They are co-ordinated, they have a history, and they have a shared set of values.

They also show of their connection to their students here. This is the law of the Boiling Isles, these teachers do not know about the Day of Unity’s true purpose yet, and yet they are willing to risk confronting an emperor for their student without having to think about it.

Meanwhile, the wall in Gus’ room features a ton of photographs, none of which are of a single person. Even the “BANNED” images relate to each other to become one image. They feel like one photograph cut up rather than three separate images. The memories meanwhile are all about Gus’ relationship with Willow, Luz, and Matt.

For the record, this episode gives credit to the Gus x Matt and Viney x Skara ships, and I would like to step in with all the authority that my pretentiousness affords me and claim the former of those two for the romantic aces. I am genuinely going to come back to this idea later.

Focusing on the actual plot of the episode, I don’t need to point out that Adrien is a foil for Gus, but I think how that operates is fascinating.

Both intentionally present themselves as different to how they truly act, and both wield illusions. But even in these details, the characters diverge wildly.

Gus presents himself as more confident than he actually is, constantly making himself appear tough, or clever, or whatever the situation demands. When he meets Hunter again, for example, he is immediately no nonsense in a way that he really shouldn’t be considering the Golden Guard’s reputation.

But you will notice, all he is doing is matching Hunter’s intensity beat for beat. When Hunter dials it back a bit, Gus backs off as well. It’s a prey behaviour, like a frog puffing out it’s chest to seem bigger.

Adrien presents himself as an underdog when he infiltrates Hexside, and reveals himself to be oozing confidence on a level that makes me want to clarify something.

This man isn’t brave, he’s an eejit. He gets challenged multiple times in this episode and doesn’t take it seriously, which leads to his downfall. His confidence is built on a lie.

I love that he just has a coffee at all times, that fits the director vibe so unbelievably well.

Then there is the thematic parallels, and this is where we get theme inception as the episode loops in on itself. The relationship between Gus an Adrien is defined most of all by their different relationships with others and each other.

With Gus, we have seen how important people are to him. He compares himself to others, he is unquestionably the team support.

With Adrien, however, we are introduced to this man berating everyone under his command. The illusion was perfect, the captain’s performance was flawless in my opinion, and yet Adrien wasn’t satisfied. He sees himself as infallible and can’t be bothered to even guide those under him.

I also want to point out that I have acted on stage, and I am studying to go into filmmaking, so I do recognise Adrien’s style of direction as something I have encountered in real life.

Adrien is the type of person who, if this operation had gone well, would have turned on a dime and very publicly cried about how much he knew the people under him cared, and even bought him flowers. He had a vision, and he wasn’t sure they could achieve it, but the performers surpassed expectations under his careful guidance. You know he's talking out of his arse, but he wants to convince the audience, not you.

Me? Petty? Nonsense.

"Oh yeah?' "Yeah" I'm sorry, that is the best line and line read in the series. I am not accepting debate on this subject. I am right.

At this point, we need to talk about Bump, of all people. Because authority is a type of dynamic that The Owl House has been playing with for a while.

The series is inspired by One Piece, for which every villain factors into the idea of abuse of authority. So naturally, The Owl House has featured the same idea presented through Faust, Bump, and now Adrien. These are people who use their authority for personal gain, but that’s not what authority is.

According to One Piece, and Lord of the Rings, authority does have a place. There are kings and pirates, but it’s a duty, not just a position.

In One Piece, the role of a captain is the leader, the person who has the spirit to push on forwards, the person who will protect everyone when the time comes. Luffy is the captain because it is his dream, but because these people are loyal to him, rather than the other way around.

This keeps coming back. Authority comes from loyalty. If you just have someone who claims leadership, they have nothing. This happens in Drum Island specifically, when the king Wapol is contrasted with Dalton. Wapol claimed authority and expected everyone to bow to him, Dalton was chosen by the people to be king.

For Lord of the Rings, it is important to understand that Tolkien was a soldier who fought in the First World War, so his grasp of authority is slightly different to what you might expect. I’ve mentioned this before, but in Lord of the Rings, there is only one perfect king, and he doesn’t have a kingdom, he has a sword.

Every monarch in Lord of the Rings biffs it in some way shape or form, except for Aragorn. The power to do what you want corrupts here, and when a king forgets his purpose, that being to lead and protect his people, his kingdom fails.

Remember, a soldier wrote this book. The top role of those who are in charge of Middle Earth is to protect those who they look after. It is not a position of power; it is a position of service.

In The Owl House, Bump’s primary role at all times is the defence of his students. Once again, he doesn’t know about the day of unity’s true purpose. He is just casually willing to stand infront of agents of the highest authority on the Isles and call them out on their bollocks.

Linking back to when I mentioned the ships. I declared that I had authority, but there was nothing actually there. Bump has asserted his role as a protector and leader, and when questioned, his response was to show off his team. This man is a leader because he is trusted and respected, not for any other reason.

That idea of authority comes back in a minour way at the end of the episode, when the Captain gets given power and immediately turns it on Severine, who is fed up and quits.

Hunter works out how to navigate the labyrinth rediculously quickly. He's not immune to magic, but he's got skills, even on the worst week of his life. So far.

Which brings me to Hunter, who exists in this context of Gus, and that breathing technique. The friendship between these two has been extensively documented, but I want to highlight the breathing technique in contrast to the Captain.

People reciprocate what they have been shown. The Captain was only shown power as a cudgel and used it that way when he got it. Gus, meanwhile, was shown how to recover from a panic attack by Willow, which he then passed along to Hunter, who gave it back later on. It’s a demonstration of healthy friendships giving back and re-enforcing themselves, but there is something incredibly meta about the gesture.

This is the moment The Owl House establishes a relationship with you, the reader. Specifically, that of a friend who will help you out when things get tough. The technique is called box-breathing, at least in circles I’m in, and it genuinely works as a method of getting through panic attacks.

If you feel rough, you can think about this, and you can use it. The episode has shown you how it works, and even given you something to laugh about to take your mind off your stress. It’s a gift, and it feels like something the writers were taught and wanted to pass on to their audience.

I like to think that this episode has helped a few people on a very personal level.

Final Thoughts

This episode does present me with a rare opportunity. The voice actor who played Adrien, Noshir Dalal, has a Tumblr. Which means, I can ask a question to him directly.

So, @noshirdalal, what was the process behind this character, especially the voice? Were you given a specific brief for everything? Or were you given free reign to do whatever you wanted? Or somewhere in the middle?

Anyway, next week is Oh Titan, Where Art Thou, so stick around if that interests you.

Previous - Next

[queer-geordie-nerd]

"The other photo on my wall is a black and white portrait of Andreas giving a military salute. In the photo he’s already bald from chemotherapy. Bald and intensely alive. Another old warrior, just like my father. Eccentric, wildly talented, deeply spiritual, Andreas had the ability to lift you to a whole different dimension when you were lucky enough to be in a scene with him. Any scene, even the most ordinary, the most insignificant one. (He would probably protest and say that “insignificant” scenes don’t exist if you’re a truly serious actor.)

Under all the latex, he was the most human of us all. You had a feeling that he could get away with any choice, even the most outrageous one. He was that free. He was that brave. I remember a scene we had one day on B5. As I was learning my lines at home, I didn’t think much of the scene. I saw it as an exposition scene, with lots of words and not much emotion. In the scene, the following question is discussed: is it justified to sacrifice a certain number of people (and aliens of course – we were on B5!) to save an even bigger amount of people (and aliens)? To me the scene seemed like a dry, philosophical, purely theoretical discussion between our characters. I was looking forward to working with The Master but wished for a more emotional scene. Oh well, I thought, even this was better than nothing.

So I come to the set, all made up. I sit in a chair. And there, facing me, is the big lizard G’Kar, looking at me. I say my first line and look into Andreas’s red eyes. Before answering me, he pauses. I see his chin trembling. I see a tiny tear appear in the corner of his eye. And, suddenly, I am moved beyond words. And, suddenly, I too feel a tear in my own eye. And, suddenly, the scene becomes a completely different scene from the one I had envisioned at home. The dialogue suddenly becomes deeply personal. The words don’t matter any more (or, more precisely, they suddenly start to truly matter, having been illuminated by the personal stake invested into them).

What Andreas brings to those words is his whole being, his whole human experience, all his pain and sadness. And, suddenly, we soar. And I am lifted to another realm. And while this is happening, I’m aware, somewhere in the corner of my mind, that I’m privileged to take part in a master class in acting which starts with one of the most important lessons: no scene can ever be dismissed as insignificant. Even if it is, an actor’s job is to make it personal. The job is nothing more (and nothing less) than to make EVERYTHING personal. Only then the words start to matter and the scene has a chance to come alive. I thank Andreas in my mind, grateful for that unexpected moment we all live for.

But Andreas is also deeply introspective and insecure. When I call him one day after the show had ended and ask him how he is, he says: “I’m mourning the death of my career.” He also says: “I’m just a mediocre actor. That’s not enough to ‘make it.’ The world needs exceptional actors, not someone like me.” (And I’m thinking: if you’re mediocre, where do I belong?) His insecurity is endearing to me and just proves that the best people are modest and humble. It also proves something I’ve been aware of for a long time: only fools are perfectly self-confident. Doubt, especially self-doubt, is a part of wisdom. A part of being human.

He comes to dinner to our house and brings a Greek desert he has made himself. He gives me the recipe. I have kept it on my fridge ever since. He collects coupons from the papers and uses them for grocery shopping. He has a weekly budget he sticks to, no matter what. He tells me he wants to collect a million dollars in his bank account before he dies. “Does it have to be a straight million?” I ask, laughing. “Yes, it has to be a round number,” he answers, dead serious.

I propose to Peter and Andreas that we do my beloved play, the one that I never had a chance to do: Harold Pinter’s “Betrayal.” In my mind it would be a dream job with a dream cast in a dream play. Peter is somewhat game but Andreas says he’s “burnt out” theater-wise. He says (and he’s right) that theater requires a different kind of readiness, a different kind of stamina, a different kind of mental and physical form. “We’ve all lost it. Since we’re not doing it any more,” he says and gets me worried. Would I ever be able to do theater again?

Billy comes up with the idea of doing a record. We all contribute two songs. It’s a lot of fun. Andreas says he can’t sing but Billy is persuasive enough and Andreas finally agrees to do it. Although he’s not a singer and is off key most of the time, he steals the record with his absolute honesty and his genuine feeling, capturing the very essence of blues.

And then he gets sick. We go to his house and read the Tibetan Book of the Dead, according to his wishes. He had found love by the end of his life. His wife put together a short film with clips from his performances. We watch the breathtakingly handsome young Andreas in a hot, sexy scene on some Greek island with the most famous model of the seventies, Verushka. We all laugh and Andreas laughs the most. We watch him do theater somewhere in Africa with the great master, Peter Brook. We don’t want to let him go. And when he dies, his wife invites us to sit with him and help him “make the transition,” as is the Buddhist way. G. and I sit there for half an hour. He looks like the Greek god that he is. He’s majestic. He’s like a sculpture. His body is cold and peaceful and so beautiful, so absolutely perfect. And death seems natural and not scary at all. Farewell, dear, sweet, talented man! We were lucky to know you.

My friends are with me all the time, alive or dead. After a while it doesn’t matter anymore. Sometimes the dead ones seem more alive than the living. Maybe it’s my nature. Maybe it’s my age. Maybe it’s just how it is."

- Mira Furlan, Love Me More Than Anything In the World

[elysiumblue]

Pick a card - What can you do to change your life? 🌊

Inspired by the super moon in Aquarius, here's a general reading for you to guide you to a radical change for your highest good.

The messages I channelled in this reading are SUPER intense. If you're not ready for harsh messages, this is not a reading for you. Also, don't force it to fit your situation if it doesn't resonate. Take what resonates, and leave the rest behind. Use my message for guidance and inspiration only. Don't make blind moves if my messages don't make sense for you at all.

👇🏻 Pick a glitch you feel drawn to👇🏻

And find the corresponding reading for you below!

Pile 1

I feel that you're super determined to be successful. Such pressure to be "great" in life may be from your family. They may be very harsh on you, or maybe you just want to prove them wrong, like showing them you can be successful. You may also follow some path suggested by your family. For example, it seems like being a lawyer is the only successful path in your family's eyes, so you work so hard to be a lawyer.

I have to say that you really have the quality to be successful. You have the patience, have the perseverance, have the intelligence to plan for long term... just everything. I really feel that you can do everything you want and nail it because you're so determined to be the best. (Are you an earth sign? That's earth sign energy for me 😳)

However, have you ever thought about what you TRULY want to do? You're killing it even when it's a torture for you to pursue this path... just imagine if you're truly enjoying it. Imagine your flame is burning wildly, and freely, and glow so brightly in the field you truly enjoy, instead of keeping the anger in your heart, and feel the burning pain.

You know that success takes time. It's not something that can happen randomly one day. So why not take a break, and reflect on the direction you're moving in. I believe that nothing can be truly eliminated. This is same for the effort you've invested in the past. Even if your true passion is something that is totally different from what you're working on right now, I can guarantee that the experience from the past can still help you in your new journey. Also, your unique experience can help bring innovation to the field you wanted to work on. I really believe that bringing real innovation into the world is the best thing a man can do in their life, instead of following a path flawlessly.

Don't be afraid of people walking away from you. It's inevitable that you will disappoint someone, but does it really matter that much? Imagine if today was the last day of your life, and you're living a life that you don't like. Disappointing yourself is the ultimate betrayal, as you have no one to blame on. Why waste time and energy to build a jail to trap yourself, when you can break free. The people you can meet are either warden or inmate in the jail. You deserve so much more, as everywhere you go, success follows.

Take your time in your journey, as success can never miss you.

Pile 2

I can see that you have to cut off some person that doesn't serve you anymore from your life. I feel that the person you have to walk away from is a feminine figure, like a demanding mother or girlfriend. They don't have to be a female tho. You definitely know who is ruining your life and making it insufferable, because I can see that you're at your limit. You may be a masculine, but it may also just your energy for now. I can see that you're trying so hard to use logic to justify this connection, but it seems that your calculation is wrong, because you miss a major factor in this equation, YOURSELF.

Why do you feel that you're lesser than them, and have no real purpose other than feeding all your life force to them, so they can look so beautiful and glowing? You're not a piece of log in the fireplace. You're a person, with your own purpose that your life shall burn for. There's only 1 real person that's living if you continue feeding the other person, but it should be 2 living people on earth. The world wants you to be like an individual person too.

Don't be afraid of the pain that will come from cutting ties with that person, because it'll probably be less than one third the pain you're suffering right now. You may be suffering for a long time, but please believe that the cycle of pain can end right now, if you decide to put an end to it.

Stop living for others. Start living for yourself. It's not serving the world when you're serving a meaningless purpose. Remember that your existence matters. Explore what you want to do for yourself, and fight for yourself. Start glowing, so you can stop being someone else's shadow.

(I can also feel that this situation may require quick action because of how bad it is. You really need to do something right now or at least make a change in your thought patterns, so you can stop being delusional in this situation.)

Pile 3

Do you have a feeling that your thoughts are super volatile? It can be thoughts that you have to devote, or even sacrifice for someone. It can also be like your thoughts are super strong and wild that it doesn't seem like belongs to you. It you resonates with this, you may have dark spells being casted on you. If you don't feel like it's your situation at all, then it's not your pile. Go pick another one.

Someone has casted some dark spells to sabotage your life. I don't even want to dig deeper into this situation, as I don't feel safe to do so. But I am very sure that someone need to know this as soon as possible, so I am delivering this message.

Seek professional help right now. Your life is a mess, because someone wants you to be ruined. You have to solve the problem or it will only be worse for you. Go figure out who's sus. I don't want to go into the energy it's so creepy 💀😭

[coeluvr]

As someone who also had to move to a completely different country at around the same age as the MC, i feel so hard for them. The sting of knowing that you got robbed from getting to know and experience our own culture, and the guilt for never being able to truly enjoy it even once you do. Because it's not something you grew up with and it can never feel like it really belongs to you. You're just left with nothing, belonging nowhere, and watching other people being able to enjoy what you didn't get to.

I've more or less made peace with this but it was still nice to see MC being able to feel bitter about Helios's trip to their homeland, even if what happened to MS is not his fault. MC was wronged and they deserve to feel like they were.

Hey, anon!

My parents are immigrants so I grew up with 2 different cultures and also never felt like there was a place I truly belonged in.

For some I'm too X and for others I'm too Y and it used to feel like I could never be whole, I was just 2 halves of a puzzle that wouldn't match. I have made my peace with it too but I also feel guilty that I am more used to the current culture around me rather than the culture my parents left behind.

I'm glad someone feels a bit seen in this IF although the situations are wildly different.

I do plan on making MC kind of go through what a lot of us go through and I'm excited for MC to feel angry or sad that they will never truly belong in what used to be their home as much as they'd like to.

Helios does hesitate a lot on speaking about Vesphire to MC due to his father being the reason MC's whole life was uprooted but MC is entitled to feel how they feel and he just has to deal with it lol.

[jaywalkers]

hiii i recently finished reading sunset like survival (it was so so so fucking good. epic. amazing. is living in the most inner part of my ribs being cradled gently !!!!!!) and i was v bewitched and fascinated by how u handled andrew choking kevin and the consequences in each subsequent loop ! the guilt andrew felt and anger as well towards kevin for not like idk defending himself properly ? (sorry if that’s the wrong word) say no basically . the way kevin assumed their deal was broken bcs andrew hurt him and the betrayal suffocating him GOD ,,,,,,, and how they grew from it just wow wow wow laying at the bottom of ur feet looking up at u in wonder rn !!!!! i could FEEL the choking incident hovering above the two of them like a cloud and to see it resolved in a way that didn’t quite erase it entirely but allowed them to perhaps move on from it ? truly stunning ,,,,

did u have any specific thoughts on why u chose it to be a major focal point during the loop, ur thoughts on how it was handled in canon ( the way it was moved on from ? treated humorously) and anything else rlly that comes to mind ? also i love all ur writing sm <3 the way i’m able to immerse myself in ur fics and see the way u breathe life into these characters is beautiful. truly. ily 💖

ah! first of all thank you so much for not only reading s,ls, but also for loving it as much as you did! it's always such an honour that people took time to experience the gender-crisis fuelled monstrosity that is timeloop au even two years out.

to answer your two questions: (under a cut bcs she's LONG)

i don't like how it's handled in canon, and while i accept it and love to see other people's takes on it (how it is/isn't in character, that it proves/detracts from kevins role), i personally think it's out of character for andrew and is a point of no return for the kandreil dynamic that i love.

the baltimore scenes are the inherent breakdown of the kandreil dynamic; by the end of tkm, it's wildly different to how it was at the start of the novel and not in a way that serves kevin's character well (or even andrew, really). with andrew and kevin's deal percived to be broken and all neil's secrets out in the open, there's no need for kevin to be a part of that dynamic when it comes to the character-driven plot, only the moriyama narrative. andreil become the most prevalent dynamic, and kevin is detatched — shut out, really, right before the apex of his character arc. neil and andrew base their following opinions of him based on his choices during baltimore and give him little further choices.

during/following the choking incident, as seen in kevin and andrew's tiff on the court a few chapters later, andrew wants kevin to prove that he can stand up for himself without andrew's help — maybe to justify breaking the deal off on his end, or out of frustration with kevin. what he doesn't understand is that kevin has a formal relationship with violence, especially as a punishment. he won't — he was groomed not to. that ultimately leaves them at an impasse until kevin gets his tattoo, part of his character narrative that neil and andrew for once are not there to witness because they've excluded him from their inner dynamic by this point in the plot.

so why did i posit it as a major focal point in the loop?

first of all, i'd already decided to set it in the baltimore 'arc', and within that for kandreil in canon there are two key events that influence the rest of the plot, and in my mind the loop happens because these two events are so out of character for the universe that they warp reality. and those two events are:

neil dying (kidnapping)

andrew choking kevin

ergo — both of these things need to be fixed to fix the loop. the loop in my opinion does actually help facilitate that second one, because for kevin and andrew to help neil they cannot be at odds. kevin and andrew's pov's are first because they cannot fix neil's problem without first fixing their own, and that has always been the one of equal standing between them.

andrew wants kevin to stand up for himself and kevin wants to not be afraid. similar things but different at the core of them. the loop forces them into close proximity — kevin is always near andrew's hands and andrew is always near the reminder that he hurt someone who did not deserve it. bridging that is a way of andrew learning that he can relearn trust, and kevin learning he doesn't have to forgive to stop fearing something.

also the loop allows andrew to see that kevin wasn't withholding information because he doesn't care about neil — he was withholding it because he cares about neil. kevin sees that andrew hurt him not because he doesn't care about kevin, but because he was so blinded by fear for neil. it puts them eye to eye and forces them to put things out in the open at a pace that suits them, with a static environment they can't escape. i don't like the choking scene — but it lends well to forcing andrew and kevin to air all their other grievances alongside it.

i hope this all makes sense!!!!!! again thank you thank you thank you for reading it and loving it and engaging in it so fervently! s,ls is a fever dream of a fic but i do dearly adore it and im so glad someone wanted to hear me character dump for a few hundred words about it <333 get off anon so i can kiss you on the lips

[swordpen]

On Criston/Alicent and Queerness

I think the biggest surprise of House of the Dragon for me wasn’t the gore or the truly batshit political decisions some of the characters make—it was how much I connected to Criston and Alicent’s relationship as a queer person.*

(*Standard disclaimer that my personal experience isn’t universal, queer people aren’t a monolith, I’m just analyzing this relationship within a context.)

Of course, when you think about queerness and HOTD, I’m sure Criston/Alicent is the last thing on your mind. In fact, in the parts of the fandom that interpret Alicent as queer/a lesbian, Criston/Alicent is basically the embodiment of compulsory heterosexuality. It’s two people violently clinging to the roles assigned to them: as knight and queen, man and woman, heterosexual and chaste. Criston especially is toxic masculinity walking around in armor, an incel who puts Alicent on a damaging pedestal and becomes bitter and violent when Rhaenyra refuses him.

I think this reading is pretty valid (although that last part is vastly oversimplified, and—well, we don’t have time for that). It’s probably what the show wants us to take away. But metaphorically, I saw a lot of my own struggles with queerness reflected in Alicent and Criston.

For all the power they wield relative to the smallfolk, Alicent and Criston both lack the privilege afforded to Rhaenyra: Alicent as a woman, and Criston as a lowborn knight sworn into the royal family’s service. Unlike Rhaenyra, when things get tough, they cannot leave—they must hide their feelings and continue to work within society. When Rhaenyra has sex with Criston, she holds a damning secret over his head, and while Viserys might forgive her, outing Criston will get him killed or worse. Alicent saves him, and he becomes the person she puts the most trust in, a second parent figure to her children. But if they do have romantic feelings for each other, they must keep that effectively closeted, while Rhaenyra and Laenor fairly openly pursue anyone they want. There’s also the whole underlying thread of religious guilt and repression, which is of course not limited to queerness at all, but is a dimension of Alicent and Criston’s relationship that hits home all the same--as does the ambiguity around Criston's celibacy and desire for sex, with the narrative making it clear that their bond is meaningful without it.

In all fairness, courtly love as a trope has always felt especially queer to me, even for how blatantly unhealthy it is: unfailing devotion that can never really become a relationship, deep feelings cloaked in several plausible deniability layers of “duty” and “honor.” And as someone incredibly careful and anxious, I really can’t imagine being as brazen as Rhaenyra. (I also have a bad habit of getting attached to characters other people don’t like as much.) It’s probably no wonder I connected to Criston and Alicent in a different way than Alicent and Rhaenyra. 

Both relationships are tragedies: Rhaenyra and Alicent are two girls whose love for each other is twisted by the patriarchy, yes, but also the wildly different positions they hold within the power structure. As much as they love each other, their conflicting philosophies and experiences have made it almost impossible for them to truly understand each other. 

Criston and Alicent also hold wildly different positions in the power structure, but their philosophies and experiences align far more. They do understand each other, the roles they have to play, the powerlessness they have to combat. They’re good at it. Their tragedy is that it still will not be enough.

[onmytallesttiptoesspinning]

Fic Author Q&A

Tagged by @ussjellyfish

The questions:

Why do you write fanfic?

Isn’t this the eternal question? For me it’s twofold. I love writing, obviously. I can’t remember a time in my life where I didn’t love writing. I love the act of creating something and sharing it with the world, and that’s something I’ve chased after in my life in so many ways - in writing, in music, in my work at one point. 

But more than that, there’s a social aspect to it, as well. I think as humans, one of the fundamental ways we connect with others is through the things we love, and participating in a fandom by sharing the things you love and the ways you love them feels like such a special thing to me. The fact that you can brighten someone’s day with a fic, or that someone can brighten mine with a comment, the fact that there are people out there who want to connect with each other over those things is really meaningful to me. 

Which of your posted stories do you think about the most, even though the story is “finished”?

Omg you’re giving me the chance to yell about my favorite thing I’ve ever written??? Bet. It’s such a redheaded stepchild of a fic in terms of the fandom it was written for. It’s gen, it’s very starkly written, it’s not happy or sweet or funny (and it’s for a comedy) or even really satisfactorily wrapped up, but I hold this fic so closely to my heart in a way I don’t think any other fic has ever quite matched. It’s only 2500 words but it took me a year to finish. I really think this is just some of the best character work I’ve ever done. And it turns eight in a few weeks! I would write some things differently now - I’m older, after all, and I’ve grown as a writer - but behold, A Better Daughter (or, Five Times Erin Gilbert Hated Herself).

And an honorable mention to how to say goodbye, another gen fic that’s very much not my normal MO but this was one of those rare moments where I wrote something and looked at the end result and went “this is exactly what I wanted it to be.” I truly think this may be the best thing I've ever written. It’s sad and it’s sweet and I love it so, so much.

If you could give yourself fic advice from when you first started writing fic, what would that advice be?

You’re at your best when you aren’t comparing yourself to other people. Your strengths aren’t everyone’s strengths, your likes aren’t everyone’s likes, but you’re not here for them, you’re here for you, and if you aren’t having fun, why is this even your hobby? 

Write what makes you happy, or what pokes at your soul and won’t go away. 

Be braver. Let go of the fear of doing it badly, it probably won’t turn out as badly as you think, and people aren’t going to think less of you even if it does

What’s your relationship to fic stats?

They’re there. I look at them every once in a while. It’s interesting to see a breakdown of my fandom life over time.

Is there a pairing or scenario or friendship you miss writing? If so, why? If not, why not?

I don’t think I’ve ever had more fun in my life than when I was writing Ghostbusters (2016) fic. I had a complicated relationship with the aggressively confrontational experience that was being in that fandom, but it played to so many of my strengths and so many of the things I really just love writing (snappy banter, ridiculous humor, a touch of self-loathing) and I got so much joy out of writing it. That fandom was where I discovered my love of writing humor, and I’ll always love it for that

What motivates you to write?

I motivate myself to write. If I don’t want to write, I don’t. If it stops making me happy, I stop. Sometimes for a couple of months, sometimes for years at a time to the point where I think it’s something I’m never coming back to. 

I always do, though.

Why do you write for the fandom(s) that you write for?

Honestly? No idea. Truly, genuinely, no idea. Sometimes I watch something, or read something, and my brain just comes alive. My fandoms are wildly varied in tone and characterization and themes, but they all, at one point, made my brain go, that’s the one.

If you’re stuck writing a WIP, what do you do?

Talk to a friend about it. I’ve got some lovely ones who very kindly let me shout ideas at them even when those ideas are objectively terrible, and will help me workshop those ideas into something less objectively terrible.

If that doesn’t work, come back to it later. Both in the sense of, as prev said, take a walk, go to the dog park, get some housework done. But also in the sense of, sleep on it. Then sleep on it again. Accept that maybe this isn’t the story I want to tell right this second after all. Maybe it’ll be the story I want to tell in a week, or a month, or two. Let myself come back to it on my own time, or not at all.

What do you wish people knew about comments?

A really kind comment absolutely makes my day. It’s not even a motivation thing for me. If I’m going to write it, I’m going to write it. If I’m not, I’m not. It just brings me so much joy. If you’re coming back and rereading something of mine I would love to know that. If you’re reading something I posted a decade ago, do you have any idea how happy it would make me to know that something I created in my early 20’s in a fandom I’ve long since moved on from, is still out there being enjoyed by the next generation of people in that fandom? I save a lot of my AO3 comments. I go back and read them, often more than once, when I need a boost. I try to respond to them and sometimes I succeed and sometimes I don’t but I always treasure them.

Maybe there’s a question you wish had been on here. What’s that question (and answer)?

I’m stealing the question @ussjellyfish stole: How are you feeling about writing today?

And the answer is, generally good. I’m coming off a small break, a period in time where I burnt myself out a bit on writing and also life kicked me in the ass pretty hard, and I’m getting my momentum back, finding joy in writing again instead of staring at my screen in increasing angst. I’m working on things I’m excited about, having fun again, making new friends through writing and sharing it again with existing ones. I’m on a good upswing right now.

Tagging @beautyofsorrow , @candycurlsofmaddness and @dinovia-grant if you're so inclined

[jupiterjelliez]

Ink Demon vs Vesty

I'm rambling my thoughts here!! There's been plenty of questions surrounding whether Ink and Vest share thoughts, are two completely different people or simply just different forms of the same being (similar to Ink Bendy and Beast Bendy in BATIM [as in they were the same person, just looked different]) so here are my thoughts about it. I'm gonna be using the names Ink (Bendy/Demon) and Vesty so it's easier to tell who I'm talking about. They are the same person. Ink is no longer just a wandering souless monster anymore, he can speak and think for himself. Ink Demon only appears after you hurt Vesty, which what we know from the Keeper tapes, he was severely wounded, tortured basically and probably does not respond to pain that well. Traumatic reasons yknow? That's when Ink actively looks for you and tries to hunt you, always having the black and white presence whenever he's out to kill you. If you're playing the game straight through, it's a low chance to get an Ink Demon attack after the transformation scene outside of Gent. In my personal experience at least, I didn't see him once until the ending. Okay, if they're the same person, why does he act so wildly different towards Audrey? This is more getting into headcannon possibly canon territory as none of this is truly explained. I personally think, because Bendy has always been visioned as a monster for his entire life, he tries to deceive you in some way. His Vesty form is the only time someone has ever looked at him with joy, so he plays up that role. Being nice, helping out, not speaking, just to make Audrey think they are not the same. The transformation scene has to be my biggest evidence, as when it's revealed, he glances at you and just does a walk of shame to go hide, both from the signal towers and probably the crushing reality of Audrey now knowing. When Audrey mentioned the Gent building, Vesty was very visibly upset and did not want to go. Audrey pushed and he had no other option but to help and follow. He is aware he is extremely vunerable in this form, that's why he stays out of trouble, he isn't stupid. The second Audrey loses sight of him, he completely dissapears. This also is never explained, nor does Audrey ever comment on it. Next scene is the Ink Demon stopping Audrey from entering Gent, no black and white filter which presumeably means he's not killing her. But the towers flash on, he transforms and has no other choice but to leave. When it comes to in-game scenes and such, Ink Demon feels way more friendly-ier then beforehand after the Gent scene. For example, before recruiting Vesty, Ink would always say how it's fate for her to die and how he'd find you regardless but afterwards, he warns you of Wilson and offers to help you when at your most vunerable (ending cutscene). I'm not saying Audrey and Bendy are now buddy-buddy, but they definitely have some sort of respect for one another. For christ sakes, Bendy quite literally saves her from being consumed by Shipahoy. He only gets aggressive once again when Audrey tries to break the cycle, the one thing he didn't want her doing. If you had trauma of no one ever liking you and only hurting you, I bet you'd become immediatly aggressive to whoever would hurt you. As to why after shocking Vesty, Ink Demon immediatly tries to hunt you down and the second he doesn't feel your presence in Animation Alley, he calls out to you instead. I don't blame him at all. That mf has been thru some shit. Anyways I think that's it, my silly lil BATDR theory / headcannon.

[butchbenrey]

Are there any theories, predictions, or hopes you experience in regards to hl2vrai?

Also, consider this: benrey that is of copious spikes

god i have a complicated relationship with the idea of hl2vrai for so many reasons, most of them being really personal so i dont have as many theories or expectations as youd might think. the whole announcement and trailer happened during a really rough period of my life so the whole thing kinda has the ooze for me. still, i know i'll watch it when it comes out. i can't not, hlvrai has been my whole thing for nearly 3 years now.

as far as what i expect to happen, i think benrey probably wont come back. or if he does, itll be for a gag or something. this is gonna sound so bitter (because it admittedly is) but it seems like the crew is largely obsessed with teasing their fans for liking benrey too much and i imagine theyll keep dangling him over our heads. maybe thats too cynical, i dunno. i honestly don't think most of the science team will be returning? like obviously gordon, coomer, and g-man will, and people have theorized that tommy is that second g-man we saw which i can definitely get behind. but baaulp didn't like playing tommy and i don't get the vibe that gir is particularly attached to bubby either. i imagine the crew would wanna switch things up because they're notoriously unpredictable.

also, from the moment i saw alyx with a fat cigar in the trailer i've been pretty confident mira will play her, which i was initially really hyped for but now have complicated feelings about (again, for personal reasons).

speaking of alyx, i definitely don't think the gnome himself is coming back but i do think that the gnome series will have something to do with hl2vrai. ever since the gnome finale theater scene with the peppa pig monologue i've assumed "the girl" that "gordon" would meet soon was alyx. i imagine she'll have some memory of the gnome series somehow, or she'll have some knowledge of the higher powers at play (like whatever the fuck gaben was talking about wrt his games being their own entities and shit) or whatever. i wouldn't be surprised if they built on that meta aspect of the gnome series and make the game of half life 2 itself its own sort of character in a way. like, the nature of the copy of half life vr that "gordon" was playing within the fiction of hlvrai was left really ambiguous. "gordon" questioned it of course and was baffled by the weird ai but eventually just came to accept it. it was only truly interrogated by coomer at the very end, and not for long. but with the trailer for hl2vrai being narrated by coomer and having such a focus on how the ais were left to rot without the player, it seems like the meta aspects of the story will come into a bit more focus. but also, maybe not. because as much as the gnome series toyed with examining the nature of the game, most of it was ultimately left ambiguous. we'll see, i guess.

those are my expectations and predictions. my hope is that it's not as cynically self-referential as the brba stream and everything surrounding it was. ultimately i don't care if benrey's not in it, i don't care if none of my predictions are true, i don't care if it's wildly different from hlvrai in every way. they'll make a high quality work of art no matter what. i just don't want it to have that same weird mild contempt for hlvrai fans that i had seen not just in the brba stream but also cropping up here and there in other streams. like, the "stay tuned and benrey will be at the end of the stream" joke was funny maybe for the first 3 times but after that it just got really tiring. i think rtvs has every right to not be happy with their fans and they don't owe us anything but that doesn't mean i have to like it when they're mean about it, y'know? it just gets old really quickly and i don't super love being the butt of the joke just for being a big fan of a series they made. shrugs.

alternate answer: i hope the sacred texts come true

[progmanx]

Hi. I also love your fic very much. Please write more ๑(◕‿◕)๑ In response to that earlier ask about Nicole's sexuality, and I very much want to stress that I am not intending to actually argue or anything like that, I think the game kind of implies, intentionally or not, that Nicole just doesn't really think about men like that and didn't before the start of the game, either. She very noticeably excludes herself from the people that care about Zac Efron supposedly being gay, for example, and says she's never liked any guy enough to call him her boyfriend, which really clashes with her openly calling girls hot and very clearly being attracted to both a bunch of the girls and also Principal Lynn and wanting to be in (albeit abusive) relationships with girls. That's not to say that your reasoning doesn't make sense, of course. For what it's worth, what you wrote in regards to Nicole's general thoughts really resonated with my experience as a distinctly unaware and the deeply in denial Lesbian back in high school, and I was also kind of surprised to learn that you weren't directly going for that purely because of how well you captured that feeling. (Also I saw that you just upped the chapter count to 6 so I am currently chewing on my arm and shaking the bars of my enclosure)

THANK YOU SO MUCH! <3

It was gonna be 5 chapters, but, uh, 24k for a finale, with that much to chew on, way too much for any person to process, yeah. Need to split that.

I don't really want to get more into the weeds with this. Well. That's a lie. I love doing that. It's fun! And, yeah, nah, it doesn't read at all like you're trying to argue or anything, I totally get it. It's all good!

Personal experiences are going to greatly influence what we get out of media, and yours clearly did in a meaningful way, and that's awesome. Mine did as well, just in a different way. And probably not in the way you're thinking, lmao.

Nicole is supposed to still read as Nicole, sound like Nicole, be Nicole, first and second and fiftieth priority, regardless of whatever's going on behind the curtain on my end.

If she doesn't, then yours truly has whiffed it BIG. Because the story doesn't work if she isn't Nicole anymore. Which sounds really basic and obvious but, well, it's still true.

Like, she's not gonna suddenly realize at the end of the fic "oh I might maybe sometimes like guys" because that would be so WILDLY OOC for her that I think whoever is standing next to her might ask if she's been brainwashed or something.

The far more important thing to recognize, I think, is that despite 'what I was going for' not lining up with what you thought I was 'doing', it still resonated with you and reminded you of the stuff you went through, and how you felt about all of that.

If you and the anon were both, for the sake of simplicity, similarly surprised by seeing that in the comments section, as the actual writing in the text does not seem to imply nor suggest anything nearly that concrete, well...

That is extremely deliberate. Like I said, Nicole is Nicole. All other elements are tertiary and, in all honesty, all but irrelevant.

I also said, iirc, in that same comment that I personally am not someone who finds labels to be the most helpful, as so much of all of this, in my experience, is so hyper-dependent on the person standing next to you. I know how important they are to others, and if they help you feel more comfortable in your own skin, hey, that's awesome!

For me, for nearly every character and story I write, with very few exceptions where it is narratively or thematically relevant (or just, like, part of their fundamental character construction like Kate Kane aka Batwoman being a lesbian under DADT, or part of the pre-existing story like Korra and Asami Sato being bi), I just write the characters as who they are and let whatever potential audience I may or may not have sort it out.

That is to say: no one is ever straight, and 90% are bi/pan, because if I do my job right, and just write the people as they are, nobody will ever even know something is 'different' since sometimes it's just not the central focal point of a character.

With Nicole, you can absolutely make the case that, yeah, this is an example where it really would be. She's seventeen, all of this other shit is swirling around---I get it, I really do. I'm not even trying to say I'm right, because I don't think I am lmao.

This just what made the most sense to me, internally, behind the curtain, deep into a google doc nearing 250 pages and 85k words (it was supposed to be 30k and 3 chapters) over the course of 34 days.

I just approached this from a different angle, one that is more focused on depression and anxiety and PTSD, than necessarily sexuality. Not to discount that approach, far from it, but for the story I wanted to tell, hammering home in explicit terms that Nicole is Gayest Gay Who Ever Gayed felt like it would be somewhat distracting from what I'm going for.

Hopefully that elaborated, and thank you so much for reading, and for being so cool about reaching out! :D

[starsweepers]

me: i'm not going on another cleo rant reality: so anyways that was a lie-

lemme start off with cleo is not meant to be nice. she is not some sweet, misunderstood character. she's a mean, misunderstood character. if the live action is truly drawing from g3 then less so because apparently g3 cleo has like. no family problems because nefera's apparently an angel and all that? i haven't watched but that's what i've gathered. so then she's just a mean character but she's a mean character who's a love interest and can be nice on occasion. which is so counterintuitive to the absolute experience that is g1 cleo. the core of cleo ( in g1 and in my canon ) is a girl under pressure to be perfect and to be a princess due to the horrible manipulation and anxiety caused by her father and older sister. sometimes i think the writers of the movies or at least jy understood this because based off her portrayal in the movies, i actually don't think cleo's character is written that badly ( not perfect but compared to some- ). she is haughty, she's a bit snide, she says a few mean things here and there to sell her nature, she is pretentious... but she's far from being the character that the others make her out to be. deuce at one point basically says her heart is rotted and it's just? it's so obvious the writers are trying to shove down the viewers' throats that deuce doesn't like cleo anymore and has moved on to clawdeen lightning fast. he's genuinely pretty mean to her. he's the one who talks behind her back about her and everything, and clawdeen disguised at bloodgood even tries to be critical of her when all she was doing was literally dropping off notes as she was asked to do. cleo just gets upset deuce and clawdeen liked each other so fast which like?? valid? her heart was broken and it was recently? like a summer during highschool is not a long time?? and if they're following g1 at all then she's under a lot of pressure and tension from her family to remain cool, confident, and royal like. so yeah she does and says some slightly mean things but also like?? compared to what the others said and did to her, it's a little weird. she becomes the brunt of the "she's mean" jokes despite the fact she's barely mean in comparison to the other characters. they treat her very badly but then make her part of the crew and a good person in the end which makes all the cruelty feel a bit gross? especially from deuce.

idk. i have problems with the fast he got turned into obsessed lover boy for claw in the movie. and he's generic love interest in the show i think? ( i haven't watched so while i'm not saying the show is bad, when i critique it, it's more just me feeling like the writers were lazy... i think they made some weird choices but g3 ultimately is different from g1 so not fair to compare... though doesn't feel like live action follows g3 entirely so it's this weird mix and i have to address everything ). and then cleo just gets turned into generic love interest for frankie? no family trauma or struggles she's just. the snootyish popular one who can be loyal and is apparently obsessed with humans? which is even weirder given she's one of the only monsters who was born human and turned monster eventually? and the show must give them better chemistry because movie cleo and frankie is nothing. and then in regards to their relationship in g1 honestly i think making them a couple would invalidate the super important friendship they have. so much of the g1 show is around frankie being able to connect people ( because she's/they're made up of different parts, she/they knows how to help others come together ). making cleo her/their love interest invalidates that ( i'm using both pronouns currently because i'm referencing both g1 and g3 frankie ). unpopular opinion maybe but they did it because deuce was easy main character love interest and so then just throw cleo into the gay ship for the brownie points. gestures wildly at all the other characters that weren't in a healthy and adorable relationship prior. gestures wildly at toralei and clawdeen?? twyla and howleen? all the other incredible characters who were perfect for a relationship with frankie? again. haven't watched the show so biased thoughts on that lol. ( disclaimer: g3 cleo and frankie could be totally adorable and make sense i just think it's a poor and weird decision by the writers in such a vast and creative universe of characters when cleo was in a loved and respected and healthy ship people enjoyed prior? ) but basically cleo in the movies isn't terrible and gives me room to pull g1 content in and make her a fun mixture of live action plot and drama and then g1 backstory and cutes. but man she gets sidelined hard in the movies. she was the one who was following frankie to begin with to get the message for help and she listened. she was the one who came up with the selfie idea and gave her phone to clawdeen for deuce because she still loves him but the writers made him move on from her like old cheese. she ran clawdeen's entire prefect campaign. cleo listened and was willing to change and was one of clawdeen's first supporters through it all. and yet the writers are supposed to have us believe she was atrocious to deuce as a girlfriend because of the things he says? like no her family has to be mean in the live action because it makes no sense otherwise for her to seem like two completely different characters. that or deuce is just a liar to the max in the live action. which, again, could be possible because the writers are trying to sell the idea that cleo and deuce aren't a thing. it's very weird to me because i love live acton cleo and i love g1 cleo. and i think it's more how the movie cleo was treated that irritates me more than anything because she did cleo things but was just. absolutely ignored or mistreated or etc.

[monstersinthecosmos]

❤️, 🚦 ,😎

❤️ What is your favorite line that you’ve written in a fic?

And this was it, this was the bottom, this was as depraved as it got, wasn’t it? Sorry Mom. Sorry Dad. It wasn’t your fault. Something went bad along the way. Blood for lube and fucking a dead guy. Bye-bye, this was it.

🚦What sort of endings do you prefer to write: ambiguous, bad, happily ever after, etc.?

I think I like ambiguous endings the most? Cause all my work is kinda sad I think and like, especially for example writing about Armand/Daniel as often as I have, ALL ROADS LEAD TO DANIEL'S DEATH. Canon is not happy. I enjoy sitting with that anxiety that even if we have a moment of calm, even if they're nice to each other for a bit, even if they have fun sex or something, all roads still lead to Daniel's death. And like in more broad terms. being ambiguous always feels more appropriate to writing about vampires who are immortal, for whom there is no real ending.

I would tag if I ever wrote a truly bad ending just for fic etiquette LOL but like. I'm not interested in writing happy stories or fluff, that's not why I am here. :)

😎 What fics do you prefer on a scale of canon compliant to wildly original?

It's so weird because it depends on the fandom? With VC I kinda have an all or nothing feeling; I would happily read canon compliant OR read AU but like, I'm not interested in reading canonverse fics where the lore is different, for example. Like I will almost never want to read smut fic where their dicks work, it's just not interesting to me. (Never say never and the right author could do it for me I'm sure!) But at the same time like, when we say "wildly original" I still want it to be recognizable. Like, I don't care how good the concept is if the characters aren't recognizable. I'm not interested in reading about OCs that share the names of the characters I'm into; the real exercise here is like, how does Armand's personality change if he makes it to adulthood? How much of his personality is innate and how much was the canon-specific trauma? How do you arrange those pieces in an AU to do a cool thought experiment that still has you coming back to think about canon and learning about canon? Overall I'd say I haven't read a ton of VC fic because until recently there really just hasn't been a lot of it on AO3 anyway so I think I haven't really explored AUs very much, but that's what I'd look for. (Your fic Our House is so fuckin good though and exactly what I mean, like a really cool character study where we've removed these people from their environment and played with what changes and what stays the same!) Anyway I answered that as a reader but, it's same for writing! I don't imagine myself writing fics I wouldn't want to read. =P

[fiymywings]

i wont drag this out too long i prommy but i just wanna get some of my ymkr thoughts out

the one thing im most sad about ymkr eos'ing is, karma and alma genuinely were one of the better (i wont say one of the best since "best" in context to a very personal disorder that changes person to person is very very subjective) DID reps, esp in mobage

karma isnt this murderous evil dude and he doesnt attack people at random or for fun or anything, hes cold sure but its very clear in story he holds resentment towards the world and himself for being the "evil" that he feels alma cant bare to hold himself and talks a lot about just wanting to disappear once his job is over which i think is smth that resonates with quite a few alters that hold onto the trauma of the system and protect the host both in one

alma isnt scared or afraid of karma either, both because of his own personality and emma's own word that karma isnt a bad guy

i also really liked that switch triggers didnt feel too janky, though it did lead to me also getting jumpscared With emma when karma did show up but i much prefer that over a 10 second thing where someone yells "HES MORBING!!!" or overemphasis on the switch, sometimes switches do feel overdramatic but a lot of the times it just kinda happens

and to reiterate on my point from "karma isnt murderous", while he does attack people in some of the stories, a lot of it is justified in that alma is about to get seriously injured and hes often trying to de-escalate with no results. this is Wildly Different from media where say the alter is killing people to relieve stress (COUGH.) or just attacks people for being mildly annoying (COUGH .) protective alters, surprisingly, tend to be much more harsher or strict on perceived threats than random people! thats their whole job!

i know from experience some people tend to be iffy on the whole two alter only system format but i really truly dont think the alter count really matters, CPTSD does tend to cause more issues with your identity in context to dissassociation but if someone only developed one extra person in their noggin despite everything then more power to them, im Still splitting even in my mid 20's because of horrific depressive episodes alongside me recovering from some other trauma i experienced

this doesnt necessarily make the 2 alter thing Unrealistic, but its a testament to how strong they are at heart and moreover how strong their traumaholder is for having kept themselves together and helping the system move together as only two. obviously some people will also only have some issue with the same trauma while others will develop really bad issues (i.e. alma developing a system from his families death while hollow seemingly only developed OCD tendencies as a trauma response)

i think the difference of circumstance kinda matters here because almas case was a genuine arson due to slander while hollows case was a genuine accident that he holds guilt over unknowingly feeling like if he'd just taken the machines apart the fire wouldnt have happened (speculation! i dont know if he ever actually came to this conclusion yet but ... well :,) )

ANYWAY . going forward due to my lack of knowledge on the main story i hesitate to say i'll continue to write alma and karma's/hollow's story in plot to ymkr, but i cant really bare to leave them behind either, so ill probably just keep writing them with my oc/sona (oc for hollow, sona for alma/karma) and continue developing them within what i can !!! i'll love them forever and no service end will ever change that for me \o/

again, i'll be trying to archive their things, but i will have to do so cautiously because my phone storage isnt infinite...

i don't know, i think i just need some time T_T;; this isnt the only thing i'm kinda grieving the loss of in the span of a few weeks, though as silly as it is considering the game isnt living breathing, because its so personal to me im actually feeling a bit pained about it + the back to back losses is kinda taking a toll on me so i'll just be logging in and doing what i can... ill start archiving in october since i have quite a bit of time to grind and get the last meister pieces to fully max out the recent hollow

[tw1stedthicket]

sad rant below lol just ignore me i just need this to exist in the world rather than not in my brain.

I crave death. Why am I questioning my sexuality again. I wanna cry dude I wish I didn't know any labels and just wanna fuck off into the woods and say I don't fucking know what I am except confused. I really, really like women, but also think sex with anyone is cool (even guys) because stimulation from multiple forms feels good and connection itself can feel good

and men can be cool but I don't really wanna date them though tbh, but also I can't say with 100% earnest that I have no appreciation why people are attracted to men because even though I do feel disgust sometimes at some things I also think painting with too broad of a brush erases the qualities/dynamics in people that transcend gender and are attractive in everybody and I can admit that I am attracted(*?) at times to men

or i at least feel kinda fuckin sick of it being funny to be repulsed by men bc like cmon touch grass at some point youre an adult why aren't men also great and desirable learn a different method of expressing your interest in other things than an online way of saying "ew cooties" to all of men who are individuals too

also I do think that at least for myself any hard line I draw feels redundant as fuck because the world is chock full of people and perhaps sexuality in and of itself is a phenomenon experienced in the context of others in relation to yourself meaning that it's heavily alchemized and influenced by people and there are always people who come across my path that I feel like I could really go through life loving and ppl's own genders can change as well or how they interpret even just "woman" means something wildly different and varying in its own way from a binary meaning that the utility of an identity emphasizing one specific "format" of person makes me feel icky, and also why the fuck does it make sense that i can be attracted to ppl who are bigender or genderfluid for example and they are women at times but men at others, like, is that a different kind of man? idfk.

but also I kinda feel like I don't know how to parse attraction vs. desire vs. arousal, and sometimes what I feel for men is more so arousal and getting off to the notion of being wanted -

except that probably has more to do with things like self esteem & someone finding me desirable, yknow (which is not hard to find in men, which with them being cool and all is like...well...*obligatory you have to be cool and reciprocate kicks in*) and even tho women are RIGHT THERE sometimes it's harder to believe that women, the vastly cooler ppl (lol sorry men i didnt mean to go back to being mean), would find *me* desirable, plus also it's prolly preferable sexual dynamics emphasizing wanted-ness (submissive peeps like myself WANT that setup of attention and desire and control so naturally I might gravitate toward that feeling), and overall male approval and validation can be a hell of a drug

a drug i might add that historically at no point in time in my life has ever been fucking normal and led to authentic experiences and always leaves me feeling like I just enjoy a cat and mouse feeling more than anything and being wanted - which in itself is interesting because a big aspect of feeling the resonance of an identity like "lesbian" that centers women is in how much greater i think life would be if i *wasnt* ever attracted to/desired/whatever men and vice versa and just lived in a world without those complicated feelings where every guy truly was just a bro to me and it was all kumbayah and i never had to worry about any ambiguity at all and i would pull that switch permanently off forever, and also because the fun always always stops the moment the other guy is interested in going further than just sexual messing around stuff and them experiencing legitimate /attraction/ like not just arousal or desire or pursuit but like legitimate ****romantic*** connection & that's a very gross and uncomfortable feeling that just kinda makes me feel guilty and wanna say "oh, buddy..."

except i don't know how to take it that as of the past few weeks i have been feeling fucking strange and topsy turvy because i for some reason have had my sex drive shoot through the fucking empire state building

and i know men are extremely easy access and you can play them like a fucking fiddle when all you care about is transactional (sorry men) and that's cool when you want to be all subby about it and let them dominate you which ppl into that are happy to do if you are a playful participant except also it feels incredibly shameful for me because i don't think that's what i truly want.

because why is this here when for the last few years i have been utterly enamored with women to the point i wanted to say "fuck all men!" and have been super happy to imagine life with women

and i also have some weird internalized beliefs/scripts im aware i unconsciously hold regarding women's sexuality and sapphic women's sexuality in particular that why do i sometimes feel like women are just purer or something and are like the people getting-fucked and not doing-the-fucking like deer or some shit like that classic tumblr post about how gay women dont owe anybody anything other than the nastiest sex they want to have. and all of the sparklies and butterflies in the world at beautiful women are also not just "hehe so pretty" but also "I WANT TO FUCK YOU INTO THE MATTRESS" and even how lesbian sex is im not sure how they do bdsm and i kinda feel at times like i'm operating solely in a vacuum just theorizing shit because it's not like i've even been able to have a single fucking conversation with a lesbian in my life -- ive met plenty of ppl attracted to women and even sapphics that are, but it's always a point of comraderie sometimes like "haha women are so pretty right"

NO FUCK SHIT DAMN IM TIRED OF THAT

I WANT TO MEET UP WITH A HOT WOMAN FOR COFFEE AND HAVE A GOOD CONVERSATION WITH HER AND FEEL AUTHENTIC AND REAL AND HEAR ABOUT HER LIFE AS SHE HEARS ABOUT MINE AND WE CLICK AND THEN MAYBE GO TO SOME STORES AND HANG OUT A LITTLE AND BE FLIRTY AND WE PICK OUT WHAT THE OTHER PERSON LIKES LIKE "HEY THIS IS SO YOU-CODED LOL" WHEN HOLDING A LITTLE FUCKING GHOST MUG

AND WE BE SILLY AND WALK AROUND OUTSIDE AND MAYBE FIND OTHER COOL THINGS TO DO TOGETHER THAT WE BOTH HAVE SHARED HOBBIES IN AND THEN SHE HOLDS ME AS I TELL HER ABOUT HOW VULNERABLE A FEELING IT IS TO BE SO HAPPY IN LIFE AND STILL YEARN SO BAD

AND SHE WOULD HOLD ME CLOSE AND CARESS MY HAIR AND TELL ME THAT MAYBE I JUST HAVE NEEDED SOMEBODY TO SHOW ME THAT I WAS WORTH YEARNING FOR TOO

AND WE BUY EACH OTHER LITTLE TREATS AND CALM EACH OTHER DOWN IN A PANIC AND LEARN TO TALK ABOUT HARD SHIT AND SHE GIVES A FUCK MAN AND WHEN IT COMES TO THAT POINT

WHENEVER IT IS

THEN SHE IS MATURE AND SMART ENOUGH TO BE HONEST THAT SHE WANTS TO FUCK ME AND WE CAN FUCK LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE AND HAVE DIRTY FUCKED UP FANTASIES LIKE WE ALL DO AND HAVE OUR MOMENTS AND IDK ITD BE VERY NICE IF SHE REALLY DID KNOW WHAT SHE LIKED AND SHE LIKED TO DOMINATE PEOPLE AND MAKE THEM FLUSTERED AND GOD LIKE IDEK HOW TO PARSE WOMENS SEXUALITY TBH BUT I KNOW I WANT IT

AND IM NOT HAPPY ANYMORE MAN. IM NOT SATISFIED AND FULL ANYMORE ON JUST THESE SUPER WONDERFUL DREAMS OF RELATIONSHIPS AND HAPPINESS KNOWING I HAVE THE FREEDOM TO PURSUE THEM I NEED TO ACTUALLY FUCKING PURSUE THEM

LIKE IM FUCKING LONELY AND THE THING ABOUT LONELINESS IS THAT ITS LIKE A FUCKING NEWTON CRADLE OR SOME SHIT THAT PINGS OFF ITSELF AND THE LONELIER YOU ARE THE HARDER IT IS TO STAND YOUR GROUND AS YOURSELF AND AS A WHOLE PERSON AND A COMPLETE PERSON AND YOU FEEL LIKE A WEAK DOG WHO IS PRONE TO BEGGING THE LONGER TIME GOES ON AND IT BECOMES EVEN MORE SHAMEFUL TO SHARE WITH OTHERS THAT SEE YOU AND WANT TO AVOID THAT DESPERATION AND I HATE THAT IT'S PROBABLY MY FUCKING RITALIN IVE BEEN ON THAT HAS MADE ME NEED DOPAMINE AND WANT TO BE HORNY AS SIN ALL THE GODDAMN TIME BUT I ALWAYS JUST END UP CRYING WHENEVER IM ALONE BECAUSE IDK IF I NEED MY HAIR PLAYED WITH AND KISSED OR MY FACE SHOVED IN A PILLOW BUT I NEED IT DJDIDIFIFOGOGOVOVOGOG