#it took me. 2.5 hours to send the message.

[altruistic-meme]

I talk so normally when the depression hits

i feel like shit but my sister is supposed to come over today to hang out. i think. i need to text her and cancel. but also i don't wanna just cancel on her like that. but also. i feel like shit. ugh.

[fowlfics]

2024 Writing Roundup

Big thanks to @chromatic-lamina for tagging me! 🥰 I saw that post before seeing the tag, and I spent the entire scroll down wishing I had been tagged in something like that… Only to find out that i WAS tagged in it 😆  Strap in, this is going to take a hot minute! (it took me 2.5 hours to gather all this info, but it'll likely take 5 minutes to read LOL)

I have posted 54 works on my AO3 this year, which is both more and less than what I’ve actually written xD More, because some of the fics I posted had been sitting in my drive for a very long time, now. And less, because there’s a bunch of zine fics I’m not allowed to let out yet :3c

(Also, due to the fact that I didn’t grab my fic stats until May, I will be only considering fics posted this year for kudoes/hits, rather than looking at what all fics gained this year)

This year was DEFINITELY a One Piece year, that’s for sure. There were six old fics I’ve posted (4 BSD, a Frieren and a Goncharov), and 11 zine pieces I’ve freed from jail (Batfam, Sailor Moon, CSM, HP, Original, two OPs and 4 BNHAs) which I will not be considering. As well as a translation of a polish fic that I’m also discarding for the purposes of this roundup! That still leaves 43 fics ✨

words posted: 123,867! A fairly decent number for me <3

additional words written: I’m going to treat this as just “unpublished zine fics wcs” bc otherwise I’d go crazy trying to track down the WCs of all the WIPs xD That’s be 25,522 words!

fandoms: One Piece, mainly! But also singles of HP, HTTYD, TMNT, TMBD and two BNHAs! 

highest kudos: Three of my fics broke the 1k mark this year - family connections sits at 1390, Kitchen ABCs at 1079 and You Are Loved at 1052~! Overall, I’m very happy with that; Those are some of the fics I’m happiest with. 

highest hit one-shot: That is once again family connections at 8,714 hits xD Close behind, at 8,361, is between crocodiles and flamingos

new things I tried: Hmm, don’t know if that counts, but I tried NOT going bonkers in Fic Fight xD I only did the minimum one fic this year, mostly because I wasn’t much in a BNHA mood but I also didn’t want to lose my streak at 4th year. I also wrote a HTTYD collab with Katia - that was a lot of fun! It was spontaneous and a very good way to bring the fic you want to read into the world without having to write all of it xD OH and also the TMBD because that fandom tends to write in 1st person POV! It turned out to be pretty fun xD OH x2 lol looping back, this year was when I started rawdogging it in discord instead of writing in docs! It has its advantages, that's for sure, but it's unsustainable for longer fics haha

fic I spent the most time on: 🤔 That’s a pretty difficult question. It’s hard to track how long I’ve spent writing each particular fic. I think it’d land on either between crocodiles and flamingos or Nature, Nurture, seeing how they’re both ongoing longfics. 

fic I spent the least time on: On vibes alone, I feel like A Wrinkle In Time was the shortest one because I wrote it for Tumblr 🤔 But there are a few fics with shorter wordcounts…

Okay I am going to try and timetrack the shortest fics I’ve got (so all under 1k), bear with me

Deus Ex Machina; wc: 705 - Aug 7th, 6:10-6:52am. Total of 42 minutes

Gifting a Horses's Birthday; wc: 841 - Feb 26th, 9:20-10:05pm. Total of 45 minutes

Godhood; wc: 858 - Aug 7th, 8:35-9:10am. Total of 35 minutes

Her Sister's Legacy; wc: 870 - Feb 27th, 5:10-5:55am. Total of 45 minutes.

A Wrinkle In Time; wc: 888 - Apr 9th, 10:50-11:34pm. Total of 44 minutes.

Disowned; wc: 990 - Feb 11th, 12:32-1:02am. Total of 30 minutes.

(The Nika fics were easy to check, I went through the doc history. For all of the rest (turns out I wrote the tumblr drabble in discord, too!), I had to check discord - thankfully, most of the time I tend to send a message and then start typing so it’s pretty easy to check the timestamps (all in my personal yap channel lol I’m not spamming general xD) That Dadan fic was actually the one I used to start my thread! )

Okay so that conclusion was unexpected XD Apparently I love torturing Sabo so much it made my hands fly o7

favourite thing I wrote: Oh that’s a difficult question! How could I possibly pick one of my babies over the others? xD If I had choose, it would be one of those: You Are Loved or Machinations of Love or Art of Remembering or Nature, Nurture! Or five other fics I decided not to include in order to keep it more succinct! The problem here - which, really, is the opposite of a problem except in the context of this question - is that pretty much all I have written for One Piece was written out of love xD (Also just to put this out here- my favourite zine pieces were for the KobyLu zine, CP0 zine (both will release in Q1 2025) and Pigment of Imagination (POs running till Jan 7th) - two of those pieces have focus on Sabo, and I’m sure everyone can guess which two xDD

favourite thing(s) I read: Well uh. I have read exactly 1,139 OP fanfics and 1.6k fics total this year so this is also a bit of a difficult question 😭 I have scrolled through my history and marked any titles I recognized as ones I enjoyed particularly well, but this is by no means a complete list xD 

TMBD:

A Crowded Mind by verynotokay 

Summary:

When malware takes over SecUnit and it nearly kills three of ART's crew, ART is left with two bad options: keep the governor module on with ART as the Client, or partition off part of itself and stick it in SecUnit's head.

> I loved the dynamics between ART and MB in here!

Autonomous Systems by @rj-abacura and @foxprints

Summary:

I’d been trying really hard to start working on myself in the run up to my Preservation humans heading home and my PSUMNT humans heading back to the university. And that’s my excuse for why I didn’t notice sooner that something was off with ART.

I’ve received my next assignment from the University. They’ve ordered me to recreate 2.0.

> Fake Marriage AU!!!! The angst is exquisite and it holds me at the edge of my seat all of the time LOL

Star Trek:

The Exiles by Moreta1848

Summary:

Spock is a child of two worlds. What if Nero had come for Earth first?

A rewrite of the 2009 movie with several key changes, continuing on past where the film ends.

> I’ve read this fairly recently, but it’s so good I’m going to include it on the list. I liked the author’s characterization, and the colour-language aliens were particularly interesting imo!

HP: 

The Evans Boy by lonibal  

Summary:

“Mr. Evans,” Ollivander said, smiling wider. “Any relation to Lily Evans?”

“Who?”

Harry Evans was almost like any other boy growing up in Cokeworth. He lived alone in a house nobody else could see, he stole food from the supermarket and never got caught, and he had a little brother who had been hidden after the night their mother was killed. Harry was a secret, and he promised not to tell.

A letter in an empty vault, a small boy with broken glasses, a portrait of a scowling girl. As Harry begins unraveling his own past, the threat against his brother grows.

How long will his secrets keep when Harry is the only one standing between his brother and the world?  

A story about family, friendship, growing up, and, of course, the most powerful magic of all

> This one was recced to me by a friend, and it’s still got me in a grip. Part 1 is finished, Part 2 is ongoing, and the Author had to have sold their soul to some supernatural being considering the speed of their updates 😭 

And, finally, OP: 

Heavy Boots by sinelanguage

Summary:

“Blackleg Robin,” she says with a mock bow. “I’ll have the misfortune of serving you today.”

Something crashes from behind her, and then someone yells; Fullbody’s gotten up, surely. Robin taps her toe on the ground, stretching out her legs.

“Now, if you don’t mind,” she says, “I believe our livestock is trying to escape.”

Or, Zeff finds Robin and takes her in. Robin and Sanji Roleswap AU.

> absolutely GORGEOUS fic. I love it so much, the roleswap is perfect and the writer’s style is very fun to read!  

Scars Fade, Bones Mend, Grief Remains the Same by @betsib

Summary:

Marineford goes as it usually does, except for three things: Akainu doesn't hit quite as directly, Luffy refuses to let go of his brother and Law ends up with both of them at his operating table.

While the world believes he is dead, Ace slowly recovers and finds a new home in an unexpected place.

> I have read this fic so many times 😭 It’s hands down my favourite AceLaw, and very nearly favourite OP fic overall. I inflict the following paragraph on pretty much anyone i can:

 Law stormed into Portgas’s room, slamming the door behind him. “You’re early,” Portgas said, eyebrows raised. “Ceremony didn’t go well, I take it?” “It went fine. Give me your spine,” Law said, ignoring the incredulous look on Portgas’ face. 

writing goals for 2025: Oh that’s easy, for one 😂 I want to finish my ongoing longfics (so Nature, Nurture and between crocodiles and flamingos) and continue the You Are Loved verse and AceNika verse. Definitely can set the goal of at least one Fic Fight entry, too! Other than that, I’ll just go with the flow. 

new works: Not going to be of much interest to the OP crowd, but I do have another TMBD fic I’m fairly far into. Beside that, I have the YAL-verse sequel aboutish half done, and I hope to celebrate Episode 483 anniversary with something even worse than last year xD As for zine pieces, it’d be more expedient to check the notes on my zine collection - I do need to update it a bit but it works as a rough estimate xD I will be able to post my Sailing the Stars piece the moment the year turns, so you got that ASL piece to look forward to for Ace’s bday! :3c 

tagging: well of course i’m going to toss it at the mdl crew: @mangogreent @goodlucktai (good luck Tai xD no but srs feel free to ignore, no pressure!), then @katia-anyway @deadnamedblog and whoever else would like to play! 

[naturecoaster]

Back in October, on what would have been my mother’s hundredth birthday, I stumbled on an internet announcement saying that The Sovereign Military Hospitaller Order of Saint John of Jerusalem, of Rhodes and of Malta Association would present their 8th Annual Baby Steps Camino® Advent Pilgrimage from Jacksonville to St. Augustine, Florida.  As I read on, I felt my mom was sending me a message from “the other side,” saying, “You can do this… and you should do this.   As I saw the specifics, a 3-day beach walk from St. Paul Catholic Church in Jacksonville Beach to the Nuestra Señora de La Leche National Shrine at Mission Nombre de Dios in St. Augustine, they had me at hello.  I have always wanted to do a pilgrimage, but I never knew there were work-up events like this, let alone one so close.    This pilgrimage, complete with Catholic masses, confession opportunities, and pilgrim social hours, is offered annually for any pilgrim's personal spiritual growth, to help them mentally prepare for a spiritually oriented Christmas, and to raise awareness of the Holy Family Hospital in Bethlehem. The Primary Work of the Order of Malta is Holy Family Hospital in Bethlehem Holy Family Hospital provides state-of-the-art maternity and neonatal care to women and children of the Bethlehem region without regard to religion, ethnicity, or ability to pay.  The Order of Saint John is a Catholic military order that was founded in the late eleventh century, just before the First Crusade. Its original mission was to provide care for sick, poor, or injured Christian pilgrims traveling to the Holy Land. Over time, the order also took on military duties to defend the Christian holy sites and the Christian city-states. The order has undergone several name changes – based on relocations and political conditions throughout its nearly 1,000-year history. After the fall of the Crusader states, the Hospitallers moved their headquarters from Jerusalem to Rhodes and later to Malta.  There, they became known as "the Knights of Malta". Today, the order continues its humanitarian work, known as the Sovereign Military Order of Malta.   They have evolved to focus primarily on humanitarian, medical, and social assistance to uphold human dignity and care for people in need, regardless of their origin or religion. They are active in over 120 countries, providing aid during armed conflicts and natural disasters. They also offer medical assistance, refugee care, and distribution of medicines and basic supplies. Max Schulman, adventurer and Pilgrim in the 8th Annual Baby Steps Camino® Advent Pilgrimage from Jacksonville to St. Augustine, Florida. As I read on, seeing that “Pilgrims are welcome to join us on 1, 2, or all 3 days of the pilgrimage,” my belief that this was perfect for me grew profoundly. It offered a fail-safe plan in case I couldn’t complete three 10-mile days in the challenging environment of Atlantic beach walking in December in North Florida. And these folks even offered a guided 2-1/2 mile “mini-pilgrimage" called the Bambino Camino™. For me, that meant IF I bailed out on Day One or Two – and even on the morning of Day Three, I could still walk through the gates of the mission with other pilgrims.  How did I prepare for the Pilgrimage? Physically, I had about 7 weeks to prepare, but I am a regular hiker. At least once a week, I took 2.5 to 5-mile-long walks on the Perimeter Trail at Whispering Pines Park in Inverness. This helped me get accustomed to sand versus pavement or grass.  This also helped me decide which footwear would be best for me, which is very important. Fortunately, a walking pilgrimage is not meant to be a race. It should be a steady, comfortable pace to facilitate contemplation and conversation.  Don’t let shoes or foot issues be more of a distraction than the distance demands.  You should train for several days in the last three weeks with the walking shoes you plan on wearing on your Camino.  To grow spiritually, I emailed some good friends and many cousins for their prayer requests. I told them my focus was the health and happiness of the special women in our lives.  Based on their responses, I made an intercessory prayer list and a gratitude list. Then, I broke the list into groups of 5 and transferred them to a few dozen 2x3 index cards in a plastic baggie. I committed to grow during this season of Advent and during the pilgrimage, to walk away from the noise of the world and walk towards peace and the Prince of Peace. I checked the cards a few times daily but didn’t try to read while walking.  The Eighth Annual Baby Steps Camino® Advent Pilgrimage Day One Our pilgrimage began on a cold, windy, overcast day… but everyone was smiling. The pilgrimage began on a cold, windy, overcast day… but everyone was smiling. Images by Max Schulman. We all parked our cars at or near St. Paul’s Catholic Church in Jacksonville Beach.  The check-in began at 7:00 am. The line was long but very well managed. The optional mass started at 8:00 am and was tailored to Pilgrims. It was followed by a short meeting, a group photo, a guided walk to the beachfront, and 10 miles of beach walking.  Our ending point was Mickler’s Landing on Ponte Vedra Beach. The motor coaches were waiting when we got there to go back to St. Paul’s for Adoration and a benediction just before 3 pm. After that, most of us walked two blocks to Sneakers Sports Grill for a “Pilgrim Social.” The event was high spirits, light appetizers, and great camaraderie. A 3 min. Video featuring a good portion of the walk can be found at https://www.relive.cc/view/vKv2gzje84O (and) https://www.relive.cc/view/vPv4dm4noRv (You do not need the Relive App. Click on the picture… and then the “Play” arrow.) Day Two We parked at (or near) St. John Paul II in Ponte Vedra. Check-in began at 7:00 a.m. and was much faster than on Day One. Once again, a Mass was offered at 8:00 a.m., followed by a short meeting and photo. Motorcoach transport was provided to the starting point (Mickler’s Landing, Ponte Vedra Beach), and no check-in was conducted there. Due to the steepness of the beach access and the sand being wet and loosely packed, a “Jumpstart” option was offered via motor coach that offered a 7-mile beach walking day.         A 3 min. Video featuring a good portion of the walk can be found at https://www.relive.cc/view/vmqX9poKBLv (and) www.relive.cc/view/v26Mon8rL3v Day Three Day 2 of the 8th Annual Baby Steps Camino® Advent Pilgrimage from Jacksonville to St. Augustine, Florida, as pilgrims walked 10 miles of beaches along Ponte Vedra. Images by Max Schulman. The final day offered a 10-mile combination of beach, street, and bridge walking.  From 7:00 to 7:30 a.m., folks arrived at the National Shrine in St. Augustine and were transported to the day's starting point at GTM Research Reserve on Ponte Vedra Beach.  At 8:00 a.m., the walk began after a prayer. As we continued, at around 10:15 a.m., the Bambino Camino™ pilgrims began arriving at the Shrine for the Baby Steps Camino™. Volunteer team members at the gate greeted and welcomed them into the parking lot and grounds. They were quickly transported to the starting point at the Vilano Beach Pavilion. The last bus left the Shrine promptly at 10:45 am. By 11:00 am, the Bambino Camino™ Pilgrims said their prayer and began their mini-pilgrimage back to the Shrine. A good portion of this portion of the walk can be found at https://www.relive.cc/view/vPOp1zrgV Finishing the Eighth Annual Baby Steps Camino® Advent Pilgrimage As the first Pilgrims got to the gates, they were greeted with joyous noise and a hearty welcome. From 11:30 a.m. until about 1:30 p.m., a tasty Pilgrim Meal was served, and many names and numbers were exchanged. Pictures were shared, generally accompanied by hearty laughs and short stories. Then the assembled group of pilgrims and volunteers moved to the trolley stop in front of the Shrine Church. With great efficiency, several hundred worshippers were transported to the Cathedral downtown for our closing mass. Max Schulman at the gates of the National Shrine of Our Lady of La Leche, where the 3-day pilgrimage was concluded. The mass in the Cathedral Basilica of St. Augustine began at 2:00 p.m., with the Most Reverend Erik T. Pohlmeier, Bishop of the Diocese of St. Augustine, presiding. This is the oldest Catholic parish in the contiguous United States, with its congregation established in 1565. The current structure was built between 1793 and 1797 and is designated a U.S. National Historic Landmark. The service was majestic, beautiful, and perfectly executed. Seeing the same Knights and Dames of the order who had shepherded us for the previous days in purple liturgical garments for this mass held significant meaning to me, creating a high aura of dignity, penitence, and the solemnity we should all feel for Advent.    Read the full article

[haunted-rum]

Writing all of this here because I don't really know who to talk to about this, and I no longer have a therapist. I also have no money for a therapist.

There's a lot, so I'm putting this under a read more. TW for brief and vague mention of past childhood abuse, stalking? kind of, and just overall a potentially dangerous living situation.

I don't even know where to start with this. So I've been dealing with a lot of chronic health issues: chronic pain, dizziness, fainting, leg weakness. It started with chronic pain stemming from my lower back when I was 15. Over the past 10 years, the pain has spread to everywhere else in my body with the worst of it being in my lower body (hips, knees, ankles), my hands, and my neck and jaw. The dizziness, fainting, and leg weakness started in 2022.

My doctors have not been able to figure out what is wrong. My rheumatologist seems to believe that it could potentially be lupus based off of my symptoms, but unfortunately, none of the tests are showing anything that could lead to a diagnosis.

Over the past two years, I've gone from needing a cane to needing a rollator, and now I'm having to contemplate using a wheelchair because I can't walk around for more than an hour without being in excruciating pain even with the rollator. I went grocery shopping with my family yesterday which took about 2.5 hours and I could barely stand up on my own by the end of it. I'm still in pain today.

The more I move around, the worse my pain gets. I just want to be able to go out without worrying about if I'll collapse or be in extreme amounts of pain. Literally just riding in a car hurts and makes me nauseous and dizzy and gives me a headache (even worse if the sun is out with the constant flickering or whatever that happens when you drive past a bunch of trees and shit).

That's just my physical health issues. There's also my depression, anxiety, and PTSD. The above health issues are worsening my depression and anxiety, and the fact that I'm stuck living in the house I was abused in as a child is triggering my PTSD.

Add on to the fact that my grandma has been sending money to this scammer in another country. She's given this person our address and is telling them information about me and my medical issues. When my mom decided to message this person to try and get them to leave grandma alone, they responded by bringing up me and my health issues which felt like a veiled threat.

At first I was like, "They're in another country, they can't do anything to us," but apparently - and I just found this out yesterday - they have people in the US that live within a few hours of our home. And sure, maybe they might not pose any actual harm to us and it's all talk, but we don't know that. These people know our names, our faces, our address, my medical history, and probably everything else.

I already didn't feel safe in this house (also my family keeps misgendering and deadnaming me). I need out before something worse happens, but I don't have any money and I can't work because of my disabilities, and my application for disability keeps being denied.

[yoshistory]

i was feeling so fucked up and frustrated and took a nap and woke up instantly back to normal. soooo nice. i had a dream i infiltrated the worst person alive to me's house and threatened him by sending the message "$2.5 million. you have 5 hours" while waiting in his house to kill him and following him around as he moved. awesome dream

[mersuperwholockabuff]

i work in a vet office. i don't get paid very much but i'm not in it for the pay. however.

i didn't get a raise last fall for my annual because my company got bought out and corporate only do raises in feb.

ok. at least i'll get it in the spring.

then corporate said they couldn't afford to give everyone raises

bullshit. you can buy out places but you can't afford 3% living wage??

then CEO sends out a message company-wide promising everyone that he has made it so we will get our 3% this year. making cuts elsewhere.

the bull is strong. cuts are prob his bonus tho. idc as long as we get the minimum.

THEN. corporate decided to only give a raise based on 'hire date'. aka when they took over. aka in the fall. aka the raise is now <1% instead of 3% for my company

ok. bull. but this is corporate bull. corporate do this legal bull all the time. can't win against corporate.

the management that i have grown to trust/respect sat me down and said so sorry, we know how hard you work and that you were counting on this raise but we didn't even know corporate was going to do this. we did everything we could, but you get the <1%. sorry.

ok. at least everyone got the prorated bull and it was based on hire date on not on merit/work ethic/performance. and i know my management did everything they could.

oh. no no no no.

turns out the management that i have grown to trust/respect lied to me.

my subordinate. who has marks/complaint. who shows up well enough but does not go above/beyond. who does the minimum and that is it (and that is okay). got a 4% raise.

WHAT?!

the management that i have grown to trust/respect told her that they managed to convince corporate to give actual raises to the people they were worried would quit if they didn't get one. and not to tell anyone.

excuse me.

don't get me wrong. that girl deserves a damn raise. but explain this fucking math to me.

she gets a 3/5 on performance reviews. is difficult with her hours. and only has one role in the hospital. no degrees or certifications. she now makes $18/hr

i get a 4.5/5 on my performance reviews, have literally 0 tardies or absences, have been in management at this place for 2.5+ years, hold more than one role and am cross trained everywhere, have a close relationship with management (a good one), have literally moved mountains to accommodate business needs, and have 3 degrees and multiple certifications. I now make $18.63

AND YOU TELL ME YOU DID EVERYTHING YOU COULD?!?!

you. my trusted management. got someone MORE THAN 3%?!?! and you didn't even SPLIT IT UP. and then lied to me about everyone getting the same 1%. to my face. as i cried in your office about my financial concerns over my possible cancer diagnosis. you. who said sorry to my face followed by 'i love you'.

I AM MANAGEMENT. I have been for a long time before this hospital too. I get having to make tough choices. but i am on your team. if you had just told me what was up or that some people were getting uneven numbers it would not be okay but it would have been better than you LYING. the disrespect is insane.

as management you should never ask a staff member to keep something a secret. that's how you know you are doing something morally wrong. if you can't stand at a staff meeting and explain yourself, you are wrong. also, THEY WON"T KEEP IT.

surprise bitches. you thought i wouldn't quit if i didn't get a raise? you thought you could take advantage of me again and again and again? you thought wrong. i'm out. and i'm not the only one.

I KNOW MY WORTH and it is more than this.

[ocean-anchored]

Dear future self... March 17, 2024

First I just need to vent because I'm triggered & angry. Before I continue & try to end on a happier note of how things are going. I am seriously so beyond frustrated with this whole situation with Meliss. I keep sitting here staring at this because I don't even know what to say anymore. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm mad. I'm bitter. I'm so sad & part of my wonders why. I know we had what felt like such a close relationship & I just don't understand how we've gotten here. Especially after how I felt like I've been there through her brutal times, through pregnancy, Grayson's birth & her "rebellious" phase of being lost & how she treated me & didn't have any mental energy for me so long after. I think I just feel so hurt by her. That after everything, & that it had gotten to the point of yah I started to see someone, maybe wasn't extremely proud of who they were but her empathy was just... gone through that. I didn't feel like she was much caring then or supportive & her way of support was a 2.5 hour voice note telling me how I've been doing bad, how wrong I've been acting & that she's on this perfect path with God that she can speak into my life & point out all these issues in my life critically but not actually creating an open space. Don't get me wrong, I know how things went down before this, my approach in talking to her definitely wasn't the best, & I know that I deflected a handful of things as well, but I felt like she had the dad talk with me which was so triggering especially considering she had literally just gotten her life back on track & somehow believed she could be the leader in telling me how to act rather than gently talking to me. She crushed my entire feeling experience of the time working up to that point, & took zero responsibility for any of it so yes I understand that I came in hot & certainly wasn't in the best headspace so I get that. But we have always been able to reconcile. We've always been able to send an ice breaker in some way & find our way back. I know she tried to do that a few short months after things happened & yeah I wasn't ready that's for sure. But then I tried to back & she was cold about it. Of course she missed my birthday which was so typical as a family thing & that just dug the bitterness in even more. I probably shouldn't have wished her a happy birthday because when she replied, I clearly felt another deeper stab that hurt even more that she would reply right away & it just felt like I wasn't important to her. I've really been struggling, missing her a lot these last few months & obviously desiring to reconcile with her & sending her a miss you & love you text again I thought maybe would be an ice breaker to try again but it wasn't & now that I've tried to open this up to actually talk because her messages are so cold, & she responds with how she's had such a drama free life for so long that she's careful on who she lets in? Like excuse me. Are you actually joking? That you're not the dramatic one majority of the time? & to honestly think that I'm trying to reach out to cause drama for you rather than to simply want to reconcile with my sister who used to be my best friend because I miss her & want her part of my life? Like seriously. It was soul crushing. Like why am I bothering trying??? Talking to Ed about this, like I understood that I have fear in getting through this with her, fear that I'm too vulnerable for her because she's too strong minded & strong willed with much less empathy & comes on so strong like dad did, but I still wanted to make that step & at least trying to open the door to this but to have her just slam it in my face like that just made me feel like she's not ready & maybe my fears of wondering if she's really changed that much, is it true? I really had hope that she's grown.

[from-a-reckless-writer]

Alex was vexed.

Alex was beyond vexed, actually. She should be on her way to the OB's clinic with her wife, right now. But instead, she's stuck in Lena Luthor's ivory tower tracking down stupid xenophobic goons relying on her little sister to bring her wife to an OB appointment on time. And to top it all off, she finds out said sister has been keeping shit from her! Okay, fine she's not really entirely mad about that. Kara has her own life and boundaries are healthy, she gets that. But today, it just seems like Kara keeping something from her is the big cosmic cherry atop Alex’s ice cream of a shitty day.

It’s been thirty minutes since her last message and Kara still hasn’t texted back. The way Alex's eyes widened when she read Kara’s wrong send, must’ve looked like when cartoon characters' eyes on TV bulge out in exaggerated shock.

She’s on the fiftieth “WHO IS IT? JUST TELL ME!!” message to Kara when Nia strolls in, humming, all cheery and dandy—not even an anti-alien arms dealer can get in the way of her delight with her new Dreamer suit, it seems. It makes Alex want to punch the cheeriness out of her. She tries to take a deep calming breath, that absolutely does not help at all.

Kelly hasn't replied to her either. She was itching to call her but felt like she'd be nagging more than helping. They did just get off the phone about an hour ago after all. Kelly repeatedly reassuring Alex that it's absolutely fine and yes, she understands and yes, she knows Kara will be picking her up and Alex, just calm down. Who can blame her though? This is their child they're talking about.

Alex tries to put her phone down and attempts to rein it in but Nia stops to address Alex's rigid posture with a wave of her hand.

“Hey, Alex— whoa, what’s with the whole grumpy face?”

“Look. At. This.”

The words are grinded through her teeth as Alex twitching hands hold out her phone for Nia to read.

Nia gasps.

“Oh! She’s seeing someone?!”

“Looks like it,” Alex says, slumping herself onto Lena’s chair.

“Wait—who? How did we not know?! Kara doesn’t know how to keep secrets!” Nia throws her hands in disbelief.

That was right! She doesn’t know how to keep secrets! (Except maybe for the 4 years she was lying to Lena, but that’s got to do with Luthor’s denial too somewhat so...doesn’t really count.)

But back on the situation at hand, Nia was right! This was the girl who tried to tape a drawing of a unicorn to their childhood bedroom, as pathetic attempt to cover up a fist-sized hole in the wall from Eliza. This was the one that Cat Grant cracked down after approximately 2.5 seconds of her debuting as Supergirl. How the fuck did she manage to keep something from Alex?

She sighs, “I thought so too. Kara owes me a gossip session.”

“Us,” Nia corrects, “She owes us a gossip session, ooh and maybe an expensive bottle of wine, too.”

Nia starts to pace in thought in front of her, “Who do you think it is though?”

“I don’t know," Alex mumbles, "Have you seen someone hovering around CatCo?”

Nia gives her a shake of her head.

“You think it’s Andrea?”

“Negative. I already asked her if it was Andrea.”

Nia stops pacing, puts a hand on her hip and the other under her chin, “Well, it can’t have been someone she only met recently, right? I mean- They’re already at the ‘I love you’ stage! It must be someone we already know.”

Well, Nia isn’t wrong but that can’t entirely be true either. Her sister is the kind of person to fall easily. She's seen it firsthand. This girl- guy? Person? Can be somebody she met yesterday at Noonan’s and Kara would totally claim that she’s in love with them. It really isn’t much of an impossibility, this was the person who wrote about “Soul Mates, Sparks and Serendipity” for CatCo’s Valentine’s issue two years ago, for God’s sake.

Alex scoffs, “Knowing Kara, she probably confessed her undying love six minutes into the 2nd date.”

Nia snorts, “True. Maybe it's—" Nia trails off then gasps.

"Do you think Lena knows who it is? She must, right?”

“I doubt. If she didn’t tell me then why would she tell Lena?”

Nia shrugs, “I dunno, she tells Lena everything.”

Alex narrows her eyes at that statement. She will not rise up to that bait, she will not.

“Kara, tells me everything."

"Well, apparently not."

Alex inhales deep, lets that one pass with a roll of her eyes. The conversation with Nia is a welcome distraction from the overwhelming urge to check her phone again for Kelly or better yet just call her throughout the entirety of the whole appointment.

"Where is Luthor anyways?”

She asks instead, brain trying to chant, Kelly will be fine. Kara will make sure she's fine. So her kid will be fine. Everything will be fine. And then you are going to interrogate Kara until she tells you who this new person is. Yes. Okay, okay. That sounds better.

“Oh, she said she’s goi-”

Nia is interrupted by the familiar click of heels.

“Aaaand here she is,” Nia drawls out as she whips around gesturing to Lena who comes into view.

“Hey, do you know who-”

“Miss Luthor!”

Nia doesn't get the question out; interrupted by Jess who comes in scurrying after her boss.

“Hold that thought,” Lena quickly mutters to Nia with a smile, before turning to face her assistant, “What is it, Jess?”

“Obsidian is requesting to move the private audience with you on Thurs— Friday. Which makes it an issue because you already agreed that the charity event be held on Friday. And then Mr. Arquete also said to tell you that he needs the proposal ASAP or else he’ll be withdrawing. And finally, R&D is also requesting another meeting later at 6. Something about the new interns?”

“Is that all?” Lena sighs out, rubbing her knuckles against her eyes.

“Yes.”

“Tell Andrea Rojas that I’ll kill her if she keeps pushing this meeting back. I’ll see her on Saturday. And fine, give Arquete the contract. His wife just divorced him, his threats are useless anyway. And then tell R&D I’ll be down after I finish with this mess."

This is one of the best things Alex admires about Lena, she’s the ruthless take-no-shit leader who calculates everything in a split second, even it took Alex a few months before getting the hang of the whole DEO director thing. But Lena seems to be a natural. She tunes out the rest of Lena’s conversation with Jess as she spins round and round in the chair.

“Do you think she’ll tell me if I ask?” Nia whispers, eyes not meeting Alex's, fingers flying through her phone already dialing Kara’s number.

“Can’t hurt to try,” Alex shrugs absentmindedly.

“Can’t believe she calls them ‘babe’, though,” Nia mutters bringing the phone to her ears.

“Can’t believe she didn’t tell me, Nia.”

There is a hierarchy of gossip when it comes to their circle. Alex at the top because, well, because she’s Alex— she knows everything. Then comes Kelly, because if you need a secret kept it’s Kelly you go to. Then you have Nia, because for some reason the youngest person on their team somehow has all the resources to help you. It was frightening at first to learn the long list of contacts Nia has on her phone, very essential to both being Dreamer and a CatCo journalist. And then you tell Lena, the newest addition who is just as efficient as Nia. Although, her ways are more intimidating and a lot more expensive than the former. And finally the last person, the one on the bottom tier, the absolute last person you tell the gossip to—emphasis on absolute—is Kara.

Because once Kara knows, the whole world knows. She’s as bad as Brainy. Actually no, even Brainy can keep a secret sometimes.

It’s a miracle that Kara has the rest of the world convinced she doesn’t moonlight as National City’s resident superhero. That, Alex thinks, is one of the most impressive things her sister has ever pulled.

Nia still has her phone to her ear when Lena finally turns to them.

“Nia, what were you—“ but then she immediately turns around again, calling out loudly, “Oh, wait Jess! Move the R&D meeting to 5 tomorrow. I have to sign off early today. I have dinner with Kara at 7.”

I have dinner with Kara at 7.

Alex’s ears hone in on what Lena just said. Realization dawning on her. Nia whips around to face Alex, eyes wide, jaw open, hand slowly lowering to terminate the call.

Alex was wearing the same expression.

A dinner with Kara.

Lena Luthor was having dinner with Kara.

At 7.

I’ll pick you up at 7. Love you, babe.

OF FUCKING COURSE!

Distantly, it registers to her that Jess has now left the office and Lena is speaking again.

“Right, so-”

Lena doesn't even get to finish because two people scream at her at the same time.

“YOU’RE BABE!!”

[dystopiandilfs]

Dream's discord podcast. Basically him answering questions for 2.5 hours. This will sort of be in order but I fucked up my notes so it might not be in order completely. (From 13th May 2021)

For reference the photos at the end are: A prototype of fidget spinner merch as loads of people asked, a reference photo of his favourite merch and a photo he sent of his hair to prove he wasn't a brunette.

•He said his teeth are mostly straight but he's thought about getting Invisalign. He's never had braces. He has a tiny gap in the left side of his mouth and his canines are longer and sharper (vampire arc). He's never had teeth surgery so has his wisdom teeth still.

•He thinks pineapple on pizza is good.

•He likes seafood like lobster and crab. He had crab made in an air fryer last night. He like peas. He thinks quesadillas are good and likes most food.

•He hates Coffee and most drinks

•The Dream Shorts team is Ken who is his personal reminder (Ken's main job is to spam him with texts so he doesn't forget things as he's got a habit of reading texts and not replying) and also comes up with a list of sets for Dream shorts. The builder is a friend and munchymc builder "his talent gets wasted on Dream's shorts but we pay him so"

•His editors are currently Dizzy, Firesale and Mjcr. Willz doesn't edit for him anymore

•The mask animation isn't done but Mask should be released May 21st. He wants to release them together as "the whole song is a double meaning and the whole nuance will be lost without the animation" but no matter if the animation is done the song is getting released on the 21st.

•He and Sapnap eat together often.

•He and Sapnap prefer medium rare Steak

•He wants a home gym it's something he's willing to splurge on. They currently have a weight rack but they haven't even set it up.

•"Eat the rich? Shut up shut up" - Dream

•Talked about money basically saying "Most people don't understand how money works I don't have millions in my bank account it's in assets like merch, land and warehousing for that stuff" (He's not in his landlord arc)

•He's been debating Pride Merch because of Rainbow Capitalism. He doesn't want it too be seen as a money maker and if he does most proceeds would go to charity. He's currently super busy merch wise with Sapnap joining and George in the middle of joining. He did say "Only if the LGBTQ+ community in this community wants it" He thinks he's going to at least change the merch website to a pride one. Sapnap wants to make pride merch including a rainbow flame on his.

•He wants to create a charity that's centered around helping LGBTQ+ one day because he thinks that there's a lack of them. He mentioned that creating a charity was expensive and took a lot and was a complicated process including a board of directors but he wants to do it someday.

•He wanted to buy a bunch of houses in Florida which was a service to house mostly LGBTQ+ youth and people stuck in abusive households for free to get them out of bad home environments. But he didn't because he didn't want people thinking he was profiting of of abuse victims and LGBTQ+ community.

•He said he's terrible with time management and replying to people which is why Ken helps him (and also helps George and Sapnap). He mentioned how Sam messaged multiple times and Dream just forgot to answer but felt bad "I feel like people think I hate them..... Cause I'd be mad if people did that to me"

•He tries to reply to a few texts a day (community number). He also can't do birthday messages everyday because you can only reply at certain times so it's not abusing the system so if you get one it's special. He said he does try but it's got a weird time gap.

•Him and the manhunt winner are trying to come up with a good time to film

•He wants to stream this MCC on twitch and says his team is good.

•He talks about why he's not partnered with Twitch. Basically Twitch has a lock rate (in which you make money) and you legally can't stream on YouTube. So legally if Tommy wanted to stream on YouTube he couldn't. Someone then mentioned how Bad is a twitch partner but still streams on YouTube "Bad streams on YouTube but he has for a while and I don't think that he cares" - Dream

•He likes to reply to every donation he gets on stream and feels bad when he doesn't so he'll turn them off when he streams and wants a platform deal where he can be payed to stream (not twitch). If he gets a streaming partnership he will stream a couple of times a week. He looked in to Facebook but they don't have an alias system meaning you can see everyone's actual Facebook account and personal info, he doesn't like seeing real names on Facebook so it would require a lot of altering if he was to stream there so he's thinking it's probably going to be YouTube.

•He was asked about if his demographic was what he expected and he said he went in with no expectations, he didn't even know what stans were, wasn't really on social media so he wasn't aware of the fan culture. "You guys are a handful sometimes but it's worth it"

•He also mentioned how he and the DreamSMP changed the twitch audience demographic. It used to be male dominated in both streamers and audience and now it's almost split which is unheard on.

•He has 5 fidget spinners in his house. Two in his bedroom. Two in his office. One in the living room.

•He likes his Minecraft skin as he thinks the arm is cook and you never see the rest of his skin really. He says it's unique and different and "me". Dream: You can't even tell half the skins apart on MC.

•He's not lost the motivation to stream. Most of the times if he wants to stream he gets George or Sapnap to do it and he just turns up. It's more beneficial to them as they have donos and subs on. (Don't we fucking know it "can you say hi to")

•He has listened to Lovejoy. Says the ep was great and they're very talented and awesome. Doesn't know what his favourite song is but probably would pick One Day because the chorus slaps.

•RIP to acoustic Roadtrip. He said instead of acoustic Roadtrip we get Mask so no losses today for Dream stans.

•"With Roadtrip I went to Parker and I said Hey I have a story I want to tell through music. I have no experience with that can you help me" He said sure. He crafted the music and melodies and how things are formed where it's catchy. I have less comfort singing that. I love the song and it's my song, it's very representative of me and I'm sure I could sing it but it's a song I'd be kinds of scared to sing live, with Mask I basically did everything. I sat there the entire time and maybe an hour out if the 100 I wasn't in the call. Dream came up with the lyrics and main melody for Mask (First one he's ever come up with) "That was just notes in my fucking voice memos"

•The clip we heard of Mask was a prechorus not the actual chorus. He thinks he'd be more comfortable to do a mask acoustic and it's more melodic than Roadtrip. The chorus also has a lot of instruments similar to Roadtrip. Mask starts of slow and guitar with minimal reverb and is more raw.

• He doesn't want music to be his main thing. It's something fun to do and he's passionate about it as it's a way to express emotions. He wants to release mask then go from there. He wants to release at least one more song but has nothing on his mind currently. His two ideas were Roadtrip and Mask.

•He wouldn't quit his job to become a pizza delivery man.

•His favourite features on himself are eyes or freckles and he also confirmed that he does have eyebrows.

•He was told that Parkour warrior would be bought back some time in the near future and he got excited for it. "Even if I don't win, which I will, it'll be fun"

•Went on about his MCC team but I'm not going to put that in as we should be getting them today. He did say he wasn't on Pink but he did sound confused. (For reference he's always in Pink as it's the last team announced and keeps the hype up by announcing the biggest streamer last)

•Said he and his mum had the Mr Beast burger. He recommends because he likes the avacado. He mentioned how Mr Beast uses "Ghost Kitchens" which is basically where he gives restaurants permission to cook his food so it's restaurant quality food.

•His favourite piece of merch is the circle smile. (The pool photo on Instagram). He said the quality was bad (he worked with a different company and didn't have his own company) and it was elasticy feeling and he's planning on re-releasing it again but with good quality.

•He's started to send merch out in custom packaging. So his bags have the smile and will mostly be green. Sapnap's has the flame and is either black or white. He's also trying to make it so every order has the sticker packs for both him and Sapnap.

•He loves the coins as it's cheaper than a hoodie but still celebrates the milestones and will last a long time. He mentioned how the old coins are getting removed off the site and how if you have any of the coins your special because only a few thousand get made. He's kept around 100 of each coin that he wants to give away in person.

•He wanted to have a cool store where you could access computers that give you access to the DreamSMP in spectator mode. But it's too costly and would require too much time and isn't safe fight now. He doesn't think it'd be worth it financially.

•Most of the hoodie are black instead of multiple colours because of limited supply and covid. Getting the colours are harder because if the pandemic which hopefully won't be an issue soon.

•He wants to do a short meetup tour with Sapnap and George with a few locations in the US (and if others nearby want to join like Quackity or Karl they can). He also wants to visit Australia, UK, Canada, Mexico and Philippines and do something like that there but definitely at least visit with George and Sapnap.

•He's never been to the Philippines but his mum has. He wants to set up a place in the Philippines where he can ship merch in bulk and it would help to reduce shipping. However it would probably be big milestone merch.

•He's not got the vaccine yet but will get it when he needs to. He doesn't leave the house so he doesn't see the point.

•He's the ideas man. George's footcam video was Dream's idea. The T-shirt video was Dream's idea. Most if not all of the Dream Team's videos are Dream's ideas.

•Said he's got a similar/the same hair colour as Froy (Dream buddy at this point the only difference between you and Froy is that one of you is dating Richard Madden /lh)

[litttlesilkworm]

Is it true that Gorbachev never supported Valery Legasov? Did he have a "court" as they say, or did he realize that Legasov was an expert one should listen to?

Thank you for a great ask, Comrade! 💜💛💚 And please forgive me for such a belated answer! And the same goes to all the authors of all the other anon asks I received but have yet to answer - I deeply value each and every one of them and promise to respond to them very soon! 

I do think that David Dencik’s Gorbachev, though not without charm, comes across as this kind of annoyed and needy monarch in the show. The real Gorbachev, with all his shortcomings, was a lot warmer - in a folksy kind of way - and much more personable. Look at this photo for example, of a room from which the Politburo meeting room was modeled in the show, and how Gorbachev sits together with the rest of the members, and not at the head table like a king:

And as to your question more directly - I actually have just the kind of a fascinating text here that I think, will speak for itself as far as the extent to which Gorbachev listened to and trusted Valery Legasov. The text is a transcript of the Politburo meeting that took place in the morning of May 5th in 1986 - merely a week after the accident. It actually is kind of a riveting read - a glimpse into how all those decisions had to be made in real time, with only meager - and constantly changing - information available. 

I wanted everyone to enjoy it, so I translated the discussion section from Russian (please see below).

Legasov really shines in this meeting and one can easily see just how much respect he instills in people around him. There is a rather amazing passage where Legasov voices his disagreement with Velikhov’s plan on how to drain the water from under the reactor. Gorbachev immediately takes Legasov’s side and approves his plan. He then sends Shcherbina out of the room during the meeting to make an immediate phone call to Chernobyl to instruct them to ditch Velikhov’s plan and start implementing Legasov’s. That was my favorite part.

Legasov also consistently sounds like the calmest person in the room. Just calmly and intelligently doing his job, solving what is essentially a scientific problem. Even from the transcript it is easy to extrapolate how much respect he commands around the table. 

I took the liberty to include some of my own notes/comments in the translation as well. And I am happy to answer any questions I can!

@elenatria, @alyeen1, @shark-from-the-park, @drunkardonjunkyard, @green-ann, @valerafan2, @johnlockismyreligion, @attachedtofictionalpeople, @the-jewish-marxist, @potter012

SHCHERBINA: We found ourselves in front of a situation that has not been considered before, which is why there hasn’t been any protocols in place for this type of an occurrence. The very project itself is built upon never allowing such a situation. There was an uncontrollable speeding up of the reactor. Immediately after the accident, there has been a lack of preparedness on-site to evaluate the situation. The Civil Defense did not warn people. Until the evening there were weddings being held in the city. The fire had to be smothered as soon as possible, and the radioactive fallout had to be reduced. 4 thousand tonnes of materials have been dumped at the reactor. We were able to knock the surface temperature down from 500 to 200 degrees. What shall we do beneath the reactor? People have approached the pool. It is possible that there is an opportunity now to release the water.

LIGACHEV: Don’t get ahead of yourself.

RYZHKOV: We’ll need to see about that. The most important thing is to avoid the explosion.

SHCHERBINA: The most difficult thing is deactivation.

(Note: Deactivation refers to the clean-up and burial of contaminated soil and water, etc - LSW)

GORBACHEV: The most important is to deal with the danger that is below.

SHCHERBINA: People are working selflessly.

(Note: It seems like they might all be talking over each other in an agitated manner. Wish we could hear a recording of this - LSW)

LEGASOV: The work is organized the following way: Comrade Shcherbina is in charge of organizing, Comrade Meshkov studies the reasons of the accident and I work on recommendations regarding prevention of the further spread of the fallout. There are also groups in Moscow conducting the analysis.

(Note: Legasov truly shines here, stepping in calmly and intelligently to get the discussion back on track. - LSW)

The considerations regarding prevention of the consequences of the accident that are being voiced in the West should be taken into account. These aren’t just guesswork, but a result of studies, conducted with other past NPP accidents taken into account. We had to do all the calculations on site, because we didn’t have any established protocols in place.

GORBACHEV: Plus in this case, there is water under the reactor.

LEGASOV: This was done to save money, otherwise one would have to build two separate buildings. Minsredmash did not agree with that. If we had 4-5 pipes that would be stretched away from the reactor and into some distance, this would not have been a problem. This is a miscalculation of everyone working in the energy industry.

GORBACHEV: What about the containment structures?

LEGASOV: Considering the force of the explosion that took place, a containment structure would not have saved anything.

GORBACHEV: We need to focus on what comes next.

LEGASOV: 10 hours later, we were able to stop the reactor. But it continues to emit radioactivity, because after a year of being in operation, it has accumulated a lot of isotopes. The heat output of those debris has been 14 megawatt in the first 24 hours, while today it is 8.5 megawatt. This is like burning 60 tons of coal every 24 hours. Besides that, graphite is burning, too. There is 2.5 thousand tons of graphite there in total. One ton burns up every hour. This equals 24 tons per day. The graphite will burn up completely in one-third of a year.

The number one task is to create a way of filtering out the radioactive isotopes. Right now the amount of them that gets emitted into air is 100-fold less than there would be without taking measures to drop sand and other materials on the reactor from the air. The area located in the vicinity of the reactor has been sacrificed, because dumping the materials from the height of 200 meters raised dust, which increased radioactivity near the power plant.

Currently, the mass that has been melted in the reactor is moving downward. This is difficult to control, because there hasn’t been monitoring devices installed that would allow doing that. This is my fault, too. But, not a single NPP in the world has something like that.

(Note: Remarkably, Legasov accepts blame for something he hasn’t even designed. Only that he hasn’t voiced his concern about this highly improbable scenario. Or maybe he did but doesn’t think he did it strongly enough? - LSW)

On the first day after the accident, the temperature of the melted mass was 1100 degrees, while yesterday at 18:00 it was 20 degrees. It goes up by 135 degrees every day.

(Note: “20 degrees” is clearly a typo and should say ~2000 degrees, as a quick calculation can confirm: 1100 + 135 x 7 days = 2045 degrees. - LSW) 

Last night, an experiment was conducted: the melted mass fell into water, and there hasn’t been an explosion. However, if the melted mass from the reactor reaches the water below, there will be powerful formation of steam.

The situation continues to be troubling. The reactor needs to be cooled from below. An underground tunnel needs to be created, and liquid nitrogen needs to be delivered via it. In 2-3 days, we need to allow the circulation of air. Yesterday, there were no air drops to enable the draft.

Regarding the potentially dangerous zone. It cannot be larger than 250 kilometers. Within which the active zone would be 30-50 kilometers. Our institute has previously considered a “Backstop” scenario, concerning this problem. So we have exact calculations on that account.

GORBACHEV: What would happen if the fuel reaches the ground water?

LEGASOV: This is where Velikhov and I could not find common ground. The pool needs to be emptied of water by pumping, not by shooting at it to pour it out.

GORBACHEV (to SHCHERBINA): We should let the site know, so they don’t shoot at it.

(Comrade SHCHERBINA steps out)

LEGASOV: And as for adding the concrete layer, that’s the final operation.

GORBACHEV: What about the remaining three blocks?

LEGASOV: The first two are in working condition. Barring another explosion, they will be fine. As for the third block, it might catch fire if there is another emergency.

GORBACHEV: Should we invite the foreigners? We shouldn’t do it in vain. But if we have to, then don’t be deterred by it.

LEGASOV: We were shown the cipher telegrams regarding this. Only two things were unknown to us: the French foam and the remote controlled robots from West Germany. So there is no need to send a general SOS message, whereas all the ideas originating overseas should be sent to the group for consideration.

RYZHKOV: If the strategy with pumping the water out via a pipe works, can the same pipe be used to pump the liquid nitrogen in?

LEGASOV: Yes. But it doesn’t cancel out the idea of a tunnel.

RYZHKOV: We should do both.

SHCHERBINA: I was just informed that the water pumping has begun.

(Note: looks like Shcherbina returned to the room after calling the site with this information. So, within this brief time span, Velikhov’s plan of shooting at the bubbler pool (with some sort of a projectile?) was rejected and Legasov’s idea was not only approved by Gorbachev, but actually started being implemented in real time. Amazing. - LSW)

(Note: another interesting takeaway is that they were arranging to bring Joker from West Germany way earlier than it was portrayed in the series. - LSW)

ALEXANDROV: Legasov reported everything correctly. Regarding the foreign assistance: it would be good to bring doctors who specialize in bone marrow transplants.

ALIEV: This type of a specialist is already working. 

(Note: this must be Robert Gale. - LSW).

LIGACHEV: Is there a possibility of a chain reaction?

ALEXANDROV: There is. But not an explosion, i.e. a momentary process. But there would be major steam generation.

SLAVSKY: Our Ministry is participating in limiting the consequences of the accident. My first deputy is there on site. One of the reasons for what has happened is that the Atomnadzor (Note: a nuclear watchdog/inspection agency - LSW) has done zero work. What is being done right now is correct. No further suggestions.

BREZHNEV (minister of transport infrastructure): Together with Comrades Shchadov and Usanov we went on site yesterday to survey the situation with approaching the water through drilling. The start of pumping is eased by its location. After the pumping, one must start pumping the clay-concrete mix. The drilling is complicated by the fact that the reactor cannot be approached to a distance closer than 250 meters. We have arranged with the military for them to deactivate the area so we could approach to a closer distance, 50 meters.

GORBACHEV: We should be picking up the pace. We should be working not only as if this was a wartime situation, but a nuclear one - around the clock.

RYZHKOV: Comrade Brezhnev should return on site and organize this work.

GORBACHEV: Yes.

GROMYKO: What’s the percentage of the fallout that enters the atmosphere?

LEGASOV: The SO is exceeded 22-fold. There will be zirconium. First, there was iodine coming out, and now it’s the rare earth minerals. The zone in the radius of 30 kilometers is dangerous. Iodine decays halfway in 8 days, and after 80 days there will be nothing left.

SEDUNOV (Deputy Chairman of Goskomgidromet): We are watching the situation with radiation from airplanes and the land sites. The spread of radioactivity depends on wind direction. First, the cloud went north, then west and south. There was a spread of radioactive air into Poland, Scandinavia, then into Romania and Bulgaria, yesterday - into Turkey. In Kiev, its level increased 80-fold above background, this morning it is 45-fold. A norm for the public is considered 10-fold above background over a year. In Minsk and Lithuania it’s 3-fold. In the North Caucasus, 2-fold. We suppose that in Kiev, it will start receding. But if the wind changes, the cloud can head toward Moscow. 

(Note: Goskomgidromet is the weather forecasting agency. - LSW).

SHCHERBITSKY: Someone confused roentgens and milliroentgens.

(Note: not sure what he is referring to? - LSW).

SEDUNOV: It is important to watch the isotope content of the precipitation. Iodine goes into milk. Today that’s where most of the danger is coming from.

GORBACHEV: What to do with the cattle?

SEDUNOV: No need to destroy it. The Kiev water reservoir may become polluted.

LYASHKO: The water probes are being taken every hour. Radioactivity was only found in upper parts of the Pripyat’ river. We banned the public from drinking water from open sources there.

SEDUNOV: In Moscow everything is normal so far.

SHCHADOV (minister of coal industries): It is dangerous to break through the wall. Water should be pumped out and then the mix should be pumped in. If necessary, we’ll dig under the building. 

(Note: Shchadov circles back to talking about the water problem and backs Legasov’s strategy. - LSW)

AKHROMEEV (deputy defense minister): Task number one is controlling the radiological situation. We started the deactivation of roads and other sites. Three thousand people are working on it. Today we will finish preparing the deactivation plan and report to the working group.

SOLOMENCEV: How effective is the cleanup?

AKHROMEEV: It reduces radioactivity by a factor of 3 to 4. We have to create burial sites for topsoil and water. We also have set up medical facilities at 7 thousand person capacity.

LIGACHEV: What does Akhromeev think about approaching the water under the reactor?

AKHROMEEV: My opinion is to break it with a cumulative projectile. 

(Note: I think this means an anti-tank missile. A true military man’s response, and one vote for Velikhov’s plan. - LSW)

RYZHKOV: There are enough people.

AKHROMEEV: If needed, we will bring more.

LYASHKO: The Dnieper system provides water for 32 million people. The water samples are taken every hour. Yesterday there was no alarm until the evening. But today, there is. On smaller rivers, radiation levels have increased and are now 10^-4, with 10^-8 being the norm. (Note: Units? - LSW). These areas were instructed to switch to water from closed sources.

Luckily, there are artesian wells here. If need be, we will bring water tanks. What would be more difficult is if we would have to dump the water out of Kiev Reservoir. There is already a water shortage in the South. We need Gosomgidromet’s recommendations on how long we should hold the water in Kiev Reservoir.

GORBACHEV: How are the evacuated people?

LYASHKO: Evacuation was carried out in 3 hours in place of planned 6. One bad thing was that we had no protocol in place for this kind of scenario, no training has ever been conducted. The food for the evacuated has been organized. There turned out to be a disconnect between the services of the 3-rd Minzdrav group and the regional medical services. (Note: Minzdrav is the Ministry of Health Services - LSW). They were kept too secret. I spoke to Comrade Burenkov about it. The situation is getting better now.

The census of the evacuated has been complicated by the fact that there were many who have left on personal transport for the holidays to other towns, to visit family, etc.

Construction workers were sent to other objects. 3.5 thousand people were assigned to the “Mayak” factory. Many went to work at agriculture jobs. They will receive medium wages. Because of property loss, people will have to be paid a compensation out of Gosstrakh (Note: a state insurance agency - LSW). The people from the countryside should be given a one-time amount of 100 rubles for the head of the household, and 50 rubles for each family member. The public insists on being provided more information and guidance: what to do in the situation they are in.

SHCHERBITSKY: It is very important right now.

GORBACHEV: I thought we have already decided to provide such information locally.

LYASHKO: We need the minister of health and the scientists to speak and broadcast these regionally. Water from under the reactor should not be let out into soil, even if it goes into a pit. A pool should be built. We can build this type of vessel. We also need vessels for the deactivated soil. But places like that should be guarded.

VLASOV: We will do that.

LYASHKO: The school year continues. The primary school needs to be let out in a week, the tenth graders should finish as usual. All the children, evacuated ones, should be taken into summer camps. I am requesting openings for them. The milk gets doubly checked. If there is contamination, it is being sent for butter and cheese production.

GORBACHEV: We have got the project of the resolution. What should we add? We should take into consideration that the situation is very difficult in all aspects: radiation, an enormous territory. There will be no definitive answers from scientists as far as the future goes. That’s why we need to work by the worst-case scenario. The top priority should be the reactor with all the options considered. The working group must consolidate all the necessary resources and mechanisms.

At the same time, the work with the public needs to be underscored: living conditions, jobs, healthcare, etc. Water is a special question. What should we do? We should carry out all the calculations, all the forecasts. Especially planning all that needs to be done in the danger zone.

Separately, we must decide how to be with the outside world. Information must be provided in a calm and balanced manner, without overconfidence but firmly. Panic is the luxury of the subordinates, and not of the Politburo or the government.

The local channels in Ukraine should broadcast more expanded information. Across the Soviet Union, primarily the facts should be broadcast. Maybe the informational frame can be expanded to the outer world, as well. Our adversaries are asking us questions that would on one hand, allow them to judge us as a whole, and on the other hand - smear us with mud. If we add more information now, it will be natural, because the time passes, and with that the amount of facts. But we should not create a picture of overconfidence. We are facing the fact that this situation is a signal to everyone. The public’s opinion should be turned toward the steps we are taking towards nuclear disarmament. This accident, on a nuclear object, tells us that a nuclear war should never be allowed to happen. We should talk about this at a press conference. So, the information needs to be added to, but responsibly.

As for bringing the foreign specialists? As I understood from Legasov, there is no need for it. If there will be a need, then we’ll decide. 

DOLGIKH: This is written in the next to last section.

GROMYKO: I agree with what Mikhail Sergeevich had said. It is correct that the situation remains serious. In the second section of the project it says: to consider.

GORBACHEV: It should say: approve the proposed measures and intensify the work.

GROMYKO: Section 10. We raised this question at the United Nations. We should use what we’ve already talked about previously.

SHCHERBITSKY: Section 9 needs to be expanded, to mention informing the populace regarding the situation.

GORBACHEV: Add this.

MEDVEDEV: Perhaps we should make a mention of periodically informing our friends.

GORBACHEV: It is already in the project. I suggest incorporating these suggestions and approving it.

POLITBURO MEMBERS: Agreed.

GORBACHEV: Boris Evdokimovich, you said that the analysis of the causes of the accident has been completed.

SHCHERBINA: Yes. On 25th of April, the power plant started conducting an experiment to test the reliability of its functioning, which has been approved by the Chief Engineer. It has been a crudest mistake to conduct such a test without taking the reactor functioning into account.

GORBACHEV: What kind of experimenting was it? This is a nuclear power plant.

SHCHERBINA: These kinds of experiments are conducted at power plants. But the nuclear watchdog agency should have been informed of that. The first scientific deputy hasn’t been there.

GORBACHEV: What about the version with hydrogen?

SHCHERBINA: No. There were two explosions inside the reactor.

GORBACHEV: What about the automated systems?

SHCHERBINA: None of the three systems worked.

GORBACHEV: There has already been resolutions regarding the improper operating procedures at Chernobyl NPP.

SHCHERBINA: The personnel have not been properly chosen.

CHEBRIKOV: We have two reactor systems - two-line (the more reliable ones) and the single-line ones. This is a single-line reactor. It doesn’t tolerate fluctuations in the operating procedure. Unplanned things lead to adverse circumstances. There are three systems in place to stop the reactor everywhere, but this one only had two. Capturing the extra heat output - that’s what the experiment was for. Its planning was done without involving the reactor designers.

SHCHERBINA: The hydrogen version was discarded right away. The problem was with the reactor vibrating and speeding up.

DOLGIKH: We should wait for the results of the final analysis.

GROMYKO: We should start discussing this in Central Planning. A big misfortune had struck us. Someone made an oversight, committed a crime and must be punished. What sort of thing they decided to experiment with. The decision should be such that many generations would not forget about this fact.

GORBACHEV: I suggest approving the resolutions regarding the liquidation of the consequences of the accident at Chernobyl and inviting Hans Blix to the USSR.

POLITBURO MEMBERS: Agreed.

The resolutions are approved.

[heystephen]

hey, we've never met or talked or anything but I just read your doc so I wanted to thank you for sharing your story and I hope you can move on from all the hurt and trauma.

long ask below lol I hope you don't mind I mean well.

I largely relate to some of the things you talked about and experienced similar things in an abusive relationship around the same age, so I understand the need to share your story. And as someone that's come out the other side /finally/ it took me months to be able to not check their socials every hour on the hour (they threatened to hurt themselves if I ended the relationship so there was some added panic there).

Then, I decided to completely block them out of my mind and out of my life cold turkey so I promised myself to not check socials or think about them until the last exam I had (we had broken up in march and the exam was mid june) And honestly, I had been prepared to check up their socials the minute I walked out of that exam, but I ended up forgetting because I was so focused on making myself feel good and have a good time to make it up for myself for all the shit I let myself experience. I remembered a few days later and laughed at myself (I still checked their profile to see if they're still alive, and who'd have known (not me I really believed every word they told me) they were still there!!

Anyway, I spent the next 2.5 years avoiding any serious relationships be it platonic or romantic (no dating, only 2 hookups(aka kissing) in 2.5 years and very superficial friendships) and only focused on being my best self and doing things I liked and I wanted to do and being the person that I always needed someone else to be in my life, you know, like you're always looking for someone to share your interests with, make them happy, have fun with them, etc but /I/ became that person /for myself/ (10/10 would recommend tbh as long as you're not hurting yourself or others) and then I was SO into living for myself that I almost missed out on being in the best relationship ever. So I'd recommend living for yourself while also keeping your eyes open as long as you're feeling even a lil bit ready. I didn't think I was ready until it hit me in the face that I wasn't gonna get an opportunity like that.

Anyway, throughout all that time, one thing that I kept at the back of my mind was a random quote that I didn't even know if it was correct or not, which was that it takes 7 years for your body to replace every cell, and I celebrated that anniversary of being completely clean from that person a couple of weeks ago so I wanted to send you a message explaining the backstory a lil bit and passing the torch to you (if you want it, of course)

You're gonna have good days, you're gonna have bad days, but you'll get through all of them and you'll be better for it. Not for the shitty experience you had, but in spite of it. And if spite is what it takes more power to you. The time will pass and you'll get through everything, I have full faith in you, even if things don't seem to be that great right now.

After years, you still might get triggered after/during certain situations, and you might spend years looking behind your back and double checking things people tell you and trying to figure out if they're manipulating you or not. You might start wondering if after everything you've become a manipulator yourself and start double checking yourself on everything you say or do. But you'll realize that you're not, and that the friends you do have (I totally read the messages in the notes of your posts) maybe aren't perfect people, but they're just right for you, and YOU'RE just right for YOU. And you will get to let it go, and step into the daylight, and find yourself all over again and be full of love for yourself and the people around you. Even if you're not feeling like that right now, that's what all those notes and this ask are for - we have plenty of love for you when you don't feel like you're in the right spot to give it to yourself.

So, I'm sending you all my love and support, and I'll be keeping an eye on you from afar to send you more of these messages if it feels necessary <3

~much love, from someone on the other side of the planet <3

i have re-read this so many times and i cant begin to put into words how much i needed this, i appreciate it so so much. you are so wise and i am so grateful for the advice and reassurance you’ve given me.

[natsspammityspamspamham]

Dino Watches Anime (Jan 13)

With the snow outside and cancellations everywhere, I have more time to kick back, relax, and not do anything. Seriously, playing out in the snow and being an absolute bum is my specialty.

Dropped

Darwin's Game 

It just seemed like Mirai Nikki but updated to smartphones instead of flip phones and with a new interface and system. Seriously, it’s like someone watched Mirai Nikki and went “I can remake this and rake in the money”. The animation wasn’t good (according to our local sakuga geek, there were less than 10 animators who worked on the 40 min premiere because of the inhumane conditions of the studio which adds to the yikes), the soundtrack was great (but I won’t watch a show just for the soundtrack/seiyuu cast), and overall, I felt like I didn’t want to put myself through a show like this.

Uta no Prince-sama

I couldn’t do it fam. I watched two episodes and nearly cried on the inside because it felt like Kiniro no Corda but with a new bland face with new bland characters. I never watched either of these fully. I tried to watch just for the seiyuu (*ahem* Miyuki Sawashiro), but imagine having your life hobbies made into an absolute joke by a character who can’t even read music and is in the composition department while her main song of choice is “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” and the ikemen around her and swooning over it and writing their own songs for her. The guys all have the same faces too! They’re triangle heads that can only be differentiated by colour palette. I’m telling the difference based on voices at this point. I don’t want the ikemen, but I would like people to be into my music too ya know! You may think that I’m dropping this anime purely out of spite for the story and characters, and you’re damn right I am. 

Seasonal Stuff

Pet

This is this close to being dropped, and I don’t mean for the strong BL vibes. It’s a little cringy but not that bad (I’ve watched a lot of cringe straight romance and to me it’s all the same). It just feels so poorly constructed right now. The universe just hangs by a thread with characters I feel ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for. Everything in this anime feels so cheap. I’m giving this one more week before I give it the axe.

Rikei ga Koi ni Ochita no de Shoumei shitemita 

Okay, this anime is stupid, but we all went in knowing it was going to be very stupid. You’ve seen the screencaps. You’ve seen the cliches. Now get ready to have a pretentious science spin on it as if you haven’t seen these scenes a million times before elsewhere, and the characters (at least one of them) know it. The art... it’s present. I mean, character designs are giving the guys of Reddit what they want (especially with Sora Amamiya being really popular and singing the OP along with voicing the main character). Yuuma Uchida is also there. Nothing really worth noting here except “stay in school kids so you can become a pretentious science kid with no people skills!”

Dorohedoro

I might just watch this anime in place of “Pet” because this anime has a much brighter outlook and despite being CG genuinely looks better anyway. It’s the horror that I wanted to fill the void with (since Pet genuinely isn’t scary or innovative). Everything was pretty good with the first episode! I’m looking forward to seeing more!

From here on out, the rest of the seasonal list are the ones I look forward to the most! Get that head lizardman!

Runway de Waratte 

At first, this doesn’t seem like something that would come out of Shonen Weekly, but it inspires a good message about being who you want to be even with limitations if front of you. You have a girl too short to be considered a model and a guy who designs fashion without having the money to pursue it further. I know nothing about style, but I do know things about being short! Maybe that’s why I have such a soft spot for it...

ID:Invaded

This anime gets more interesting as we go along. I’m all into murder mysteries and things like that, and with the sci-fi mixed it, I checked to make sure I was up-to-date with this one. Each episode gives a new mystery with more details outline our jaded and imprisoned detective’s motives and backstory. I wasn’t sold on the character designs at first, but once you get over that hurdle, it’s all good. I like the psychological aspects of it too!

Kyokou Suiri 

Ever wish you had a female protagonist who was upfront about her romantic motives? Ever wanted to watch a show involving youkai? Here’s the show for you! Plus, her character design is so cute. Mamo sang the ED for this anime too. The animation is great, the story looks amazing (read ahead a few chapters in the manga), and this is one of my most highest anticipated anime for the season!

Jibaku Shounen Hanako-kun

Here’s one of my favourite pilot episodes! This anime left such a strong impression on me that I went straight to my non-otaku friends going, “You’ve gotta see this guys”. The art style is consistent with the manga, and according to the not-so-quiet manga readers, we’re in for a really good anime. 

All the characters in this anime are also adorable and really simple-minded on the surface. Hanako-kun being a boy is a really funny twist on the local urban legend (I’m one of those kids who never dared to say “Bloody Mary” in the washroom so what can I say?)

Recently Completed

Hana to Alice: Satsujin Jiken

Remember Aku no Hana? This is what happens when rotoscoping has a bit more budget. This anime was slow, a little cringy, but it felt really real. The voices felt real, the characters felt real, and the story felt... mostly real. I don’t regret watching this movie art style and all because I think it captures a bit of the exaggerations of being a teenager (rumours blow up like balloons)

Sennen Joyuu

Satoshi Kon really has a certain way of telling stories. I’ve watched Perfect Blue, Paranoia Agent, and Tokyo Godfathers, and while this didn’t have as strong of a punch as the latter, this film was still strong. It shows a story of a young maiden’s resilience, perseverance, and undying love... all things I can’t relate to... but it was good!

Sakurasou no Pet na Kanojo

This show was a trip. You thought it was a fanservice anime until things got really heavy. This anime was funny, it made me feel things with the themes it took on, and it made me remember that the best girl doesn’t always have to win to be a good anime. The art was cute and sweet, the voice acting was so fricking funny (according to the cast, the improv wasn’t always included but the ones that were left along with the dialogue were pure gold), and the story was exceptional for an anime which seemed to have no base whatsoever. And plus, this had something a lot of anime don’t... A CONCLUSIVE ENDING. Give this anime a watch if you haven’t. It’s melodramatic comedic romantic teen drama at its finest.

Orange

Speaking of melodramatic romantic teen dramas, here’s another one that fits that bill! Minus the comedy, more suicide, and far less cohesive plot. Imagine throwing letters into the Bermuda Triangle and having your 16-year-old selves really reading those letters. I was wondering how they were going to explain sending their letters to the past, but they should’ve come up with better BS than that. Aside from really bad plot holes, this anime was alright. It was slow... really slow. I finished this whole 13 episodes plus the movie in about 2.5 hours after trimming the slow recaps. 

The art was alright. The story was slow, but near the end (excluding the last episode and the movie) it got really heavy. It hit close to home. I struggled with suicide for years, and I felt what this character felt. Certain lines of that dialogue just hit hard. It was depicted in a way that didn’t feel as romanticized. He wasn’t saved by just one person, his trauma didn’t go away just like that, it took a group of friends and planning to help him realize that there was more to life then just regrets.

Would I recommend this? I mean, it was recommended to me, but I’m not forcing this anime on anyone... not because of the themes but because it was darn boring and cliche 70% of the time.

Still Watching

Darker than Black: Kuro no Keiyakusha

Same things apply as previous entries

Hunter x Hunter (2011)

My brother expected me to finish this a while ago but I put it on the back-burner because the number of episodes seemed daunting. Everything else is good though.

Sousei no Onmyouji

I only watched the first episode.

Boku no Hero Academia Season Four

Same things apply as previous entries. It seems like the Overhaul arc will end in the next episode or two (depending on how much they milk this).

Re:Zero kara Hajimeru Isekai Seikatsu

Groundhog Day but isekai. Seriously, this is a pretty big staple in terms of big isekai. Everyone’s fighting over who’s the best girl meanwhile Subaru is trying his best not to die every five minutes. Seriously, Subaru is a champ and what I’d want out of a Mary Sue isekai protagonist. Get em Subaru. Prove to me you’re not a car.

This will be me for the next few days because it’s getting colder where I am so watch me slip on the ice and die!

[rivet-ing-titanic]

April 26th, 1912 - American Inquiry Day 8

The Evening Star of Washington DC, April 27. 1912, shows Ernest Gill, right, in opposition to his Captain, Stanley Lord, left. 

Day 8: The subcommittee returned to their normal way of conducting the inquiry, although later than normal due to how late testimony was being given the night before. Notable among the witnesses today is Captain Stanley Lord, and Marconi Operator, Cyril Evans, both of the SS Californian. Both men will spend the rest of their careers, and lives with the shadow of that Sunday night, and their actions, or lack there-of. Before testimony is heard, Senator Smith reiterates that “everything that transpires in connection with this inquiry is public, and no attempt whatever to suppress any part of the testimony, or the circumstances surrounding it; will be made.” 

Witnesses:

Philip Franklin, Vice President, International Mercantile Marine Co.;

Ernest Gill, Donkeyman, SS Californian;

Stanley Lord, Captain, SS Californian;

Cyril F. Evans, Marconi Operator, SS Californian;

Frank O. Evans, Able Seaman, RMS Titanic (recalled);

Notable Quotes/Lines of Questioning or Summarized Testimony:

Philip Franklin starts the morning off by explaining the circumstances that had transpired in order to subpoena the captain, Marconi officer and several crew of the SS Californian in Boston on April 25th. Consideration was given for their arrangements to travel to Washington working around the ship’s next planned sailing on the 27th. When the Inquiry started this morning, Lord and C. Evans are on their way by train from Boston to Washington, and would arrive later that afternoon to testify.

Senator Smith also questions Franklin again about the official and non-official communication regarding the accident, when he first heard and from whom, who he communicated with, and what was communicated. Franklin is very forthcoming and had already provided the subcommittee all relevant telegrams, but Smith continues to query him about it.

There is very interesting conversation between Franklin and Smith regarding the Titanic operator’s conduct in the matter of the ice report around 5pm Sunday from the Californian that he originally ignored but picked up about 30 minutes later from the Baltic. I appreciate and would support Mr. Franklin’s testimony, and essentially arguments made against what Smith has been saying, in regards to timing and conduct, and whether the operator should be employed by Marconi or the ship owner. LINK to the second half of Franklin’s testimony which I believe is worth the read.

At the end of what seems like a tense back and forth between the two, Senator Smith and Mr. Franklin discuss how he and his employees have been treated through-out the inquiry. While Franklin understands the position, he emphasizes how he would desire to send non-Americans home, but Smith digs his heels in. Smith reiterates why them being there is so important, and that until he is satisfied that they have been completely thorough in this inquiry, he will not allow anyone to be sent home.

Senator Fletcher asked if it would be practical to run ships in pairs across the ocean, to which Franklin replies that he does not think it practical, and continues to insist as Fletcher inquires more into his reasoning.

Ernest Gill, second donkeyman (person in charge of a ship’s engine room) of the Californian¸ is read his own personal statement  by Senator Smith, and affirms all that was read to be true. READ THIS WHOLE THING!!! 

In Gill’s statements, he tells of what transpired on the night of Sunday April 14th. He recounts that he had seen “a big vessel” from the deck around 11:56. He states that “They could not have helped but see her from the bridge and lookout.” Then, unable to sleep he comes back on deck around 12:30 and sees the rockets, saying to himself, “that must be a vessel in distress.” It wasn’t his duty to notify the bridge “but they could not have helped but see them [the rockets],” so he turned in with the belief that the ship would go to the distressed vessel’s aid.

“The next remark I heard the second pass was, ‘Why in the devil they didn't wake the wireless man up?’ The entire crew of the steamer have been talking among themselves about the disregard of the rockets. I personally urged several to join me in protesting against the conduct of the captain, but they refused, because they feared to lose their jobs.” – Gill

“I am quite sure that the Californian was less than 20 miles from the Titanic, which the officers report to have been our position. I could not have seen her if she had been more than 10 miles distant and I saw her very plainly. I have no ill will toward the captain or any officer of the ship, and I am losing a profitable berth by making this statement. I am actuated by the desire that no captain who refuses or neglects to give aid to a vessel in distress should be able to hush up the men.” – Gill

 Seriously, read Gill’s statement, it isn’t very long and its got juicy deets.

“From the position we stopped in to the position at which the Titanic is supposed to have hit the iceberg, 19 1/2 to 19 3/4 miles; south 16 west, sir, was the course.” – Lord

When they finally did go to Titanic’s aid, Lord estimates (per the Californian log book) it took them 2.5 hours to get to her location at full speed in the morning. When asked had they received the C.Q.D. from Titanic, Lord estimates at least 2 hours. Gill saw the rockets at 12:30; Titanic went under at approximately 2:20; going full speed, based on estimates the Californian, that night of the sinking could have gotten there right as Titanic potentially saving those in the water, and almost 2 hours before the Carpathia. This is if they went when they saw the rockets later after the wireless operator had turned in. Had they received the Titanic’s initial C.Q.D. which was sent at midnight, the Californian could have been there when the Titanic was not yet fully foundered, and potentially saved a lot more lives. (This is my own trail of thinking based on testimony, NOT fact.)

” I saw several empty boats, some floating planks, a few deck chairs, and cushions; but considering the size of the disaster, there was very little wreckage. It seemed more like an old fishing boat had sunk” – Lord

In regards to the distress signals, Lord tells a short story about how things played out. He claims to have seen a “peculiar light” coming along, however they “could not distinguish where the sky ended and where the water commenced. You understand, it was a flat calm” and another officer told him he thought it was a star, so Lord went below. “A quarter past he [the officer] said, ‘I think she has fired a rocket.’ He said, ‘She did not answer the Morse lamp and she has commenced to go away from us.’ I said, ‘Call her up and let me know at once what her name is.’ So, he put the whistle back, and, apparently, he was calling. I could hear him ticking over my head. Then l went to sleep.” - Lord

“We could not have seen her Morse code; that is an utter impossibility.” –Lord who also claimed the distress rockets could have been mistaken as a shooting star or not seen at all. Interesting though, because according to Gill, multiple people saw them.

The Californian’s chief officer (Stewart) woke C. Evans at 3:30 saying "There is a ship that has been firing rockets in the night. Please see if there is anything the matter."  At that point he got word from the Frankfurt(German liner) that the Titanic had sunk and her location. This was followed up with an official message from the Virginian, with the same details.

There was lots of talk, as they headed towards the Titanic’s location, between the crew members of the Californian, regarding seeing rockets and informing the Captain of said rockets earlier in the night.

According to C. Evans, Gill had mentioned “I think I will make about $500 on this” in regards to telling the press about the rockets.

“I should think between 150 and 200. We had great difficulty in getting through them to get to the wreck” – F. Evans (regarding bodies in the water, they passed through them to get to the overturned collapsible boat)

“The first child was passed over, sir, and I caught it by the dress. It was dangling. I had to swing it, and a woman caught it. The remainder of the children - there was a fireman there and with the assistance of a young woman they caught the children as they were dropped into the boat. There were none of the children hurt. That was the only accident, with this woman. She seemed a bit nervous. She did not like to jump, at first, and then when she did jump she did not go far enough, and the consequence was she went between the ship and the boat.” – F. Evans

Evans says she parted between the third and fourth funnel. 200ft. of the stern left visible, sitting horizontally for about 4-5 minutes after the forepart went down. Stern then plunged forward perpendicular.

  SEE American Inquiry Day 7 here.

[imdoingthismspaintadventure]

Worm 2.5 - In which Taylor makes a questionable decision

When we last read Worm, the trio were being horrible and Taylor NOPE’d out of school. possibly to consider Tt’s offer. I guess we’ll see how that goes

If you looked at Brockton Bay as a patchwork of stellar and squalor, upper class and lower class with no middle ground, then downtown was one of the nice areas.  The streets and sidewalks were wide, and that meant that even with skyscrapers in every other lot, there was a great deal of blue overhead.

So BB is a city with huge class disparity where the difference in wealth between districts is vast. It sounds more Gotham than Metropolis. (Even if Gotham is probably unmatched in how much of a shithole it is. Holy shit that place is cursed)

Following my retreat from school grounds, I hadn’t been sure what to do.  My dad worked an unreliable schedule, so I couldn’t spend the rest of the afternoon at home unless I wanted to risk having to explain what I was doing home on a school day.  I didn’t want to hang around the general area of my school, so that had left me the options of the half-hour walk to downtown or a trip to the Boardwalk.  Between my morning runs and the previous night’s escapades, I had seen enough of the Boardwalk, so I’d decided to head downtown.

Yeah that seems sensible. Going to the boardwalk seems like it risks an encounter from one of Lung’s subordinates, which were apparently seeking revenge. Although that shouldn’t be a problem given than Armsmaster took both the credit and the blame.

Poor Danny, he’s totally lost control of this situation.

I didn’t want to dwell on the subject of school or Emma, so I turned my focus to the recent message from Tattletale.  She wanted to meet, presumably to repay the favor she felt she owed me.  I considered the possibility that it was a trap, but I couldn’t imagine any angle where it would be.  She just didn’t have any reason to go after me.  The worst case scenario was that it wasn’t Tattletale, but that wasn’t the impression I’d had.  What she said in the message seemed to flow with what I had seen of her last night.  I would be careful, nonetheless.

Yeah I can’t think of any reason they would have to go after her besides being cartoonishly villanous, and they didn’t seem like the type.

That it is a trap from someone else (like one of the flunkies who were in the fight and saw the bugs) is more believable, but that is also unlikely, I think.

I think it’s genuinely Tattletale wanting to meet, which is also the most narratively interesting situation.

 It was perplexing.  These guys were, in large part, virtual unknowns. From what I knew of Grue and Hellhound, they were both marginally successful B-list villains who had been barely scraping by.  Now both were on a team that was pulling high profile heists and confounding even the likes of Armsmaster.  The two of them seemed totally different in methodology and style, and if I was remembering right, both Grue and Hellhound had lived in different cities prior to teaming up and setting roots in Brockton Bay.  That raised the question: who or what had drawn these four very different individuals together?

Damn, seems like they leveled up! They got much more organized and competent! And are pulling larger scale heists!

They do seem pretty different! A darkness-generator seems more stealth based, as opposed to the feral monster dogs. But they seem to have good synergy!

Maybe Tt organized them and brought them together? We know so little of both her and Regent...

It was possible that Tattletale or Regent were the uniting factors, but I couldn’t really imagine it, having seen what I did of their group dynamic.  Grue had poked fun at Regent rather than treat him like a leader, and while I couldn’t put my finger on it,  the more I imagined Tattletale uniting that group of unconnected people with powers, the harder I found it to picture.  In fact, when I thought about it, hadn’t Grue said they had fought for a considerable amount of time over how to deal with Lung?  It didn’t really sound like they had any leadership worth speaking about.

So they seem to be competently organized while also having no organization at all and frequently bickering. Hmm.

Maybe there’s a shadow leader, or another group behind them? Or maybe they just work like that, in some weird way.

It wasn’t hard to sympathize with Armsmaster.  The whole scenario there was just bizarre, and it was made worse by the fact that there were practically no details as far as Tattletale or Regent went. Information, it seemed, was a major factor when dealing with capes.

Knowledge is power. If you know somebody’s weakpoints or full extent of abilities, it makes things a lot easier

Information is often underestimated in series that are all about powerlevels and strength, but I love it when it makes a difference.

The streets were busy with people on their lunch break.  Businessmen and businesswomen were heading to restaurants and fast food places.  My stomach growled as I passed a line of people waiting their turn at a street vendor.  I checked my pockets and winced at the realization that I didn’t have enough for even a hot dog.  My lunch had been in my backpack.

Have I mentioned that Taylor’s daily life sucks hard? Because it does.

I stopped myself before I could finish that train of thought and put myself into a worse mood by dwelling on what had happened at school. Still, as I thought back to the circle of villains and Tattletale’s message, the amusing thought crossed my mind that I could ask them to repay the favor by buying me lunch.  It wasn’t a serious thought, but the ridiculousness of the mental image – me eating a burger with a group of supervillains – put a dumb smirk on my face.  I was pretty sure I looked like a moron to anyone on the street who happened to glance at me.

Hehehe

That sounds awesome.

Supervillain burger time!

As I thought on it, though, the notion that I might actually consider taking Tattletale up on her offer of a meeting nagged at me.  The more I thought on it, the scarier the idea got, and the more it seemed to make sense.

Uh oh, I can feel the incresingly more likely villainous path for Taylor creeping closer

What if I did take them up on the offer?  I could meet them, talk with them, see what they had to offer, and all the while, fish for information.  If I got anything worth sharing, I could turn around and give it to Armsmaster so he could use it against them.  Just going by what Armsmaster had said about these guys and the scarcity of information on them, it would be a pretty major coup for the good guys.

Uhhh that sounds shaky at best and a horrible idea at worst.

You would have to get close to them and then betray their trust. Which is both rough, cause you tend to form emotional ties with people, especially for someone as isolated as Taylor; and it is also dangerous, as you make very dangerous enemies in the process who know a lot about you

Okay, so they would likely see my ploy as a monumental betrayal if and when I pulled it off.  I would be making enemies.  That said, I suspected that when it came out that I was a hero and not a villain, they would count it as such regardless.  Didn’t it make sense to leverage as much information as I could from them before they caught on, as far as their misconception went?

What the?

Someone finding out their assumptions about you were wrong and someone finding out you personally betrayed them and screwed them after getting close to them are two very different things

I feel like we are in a very high speed bad decision train of thought.

I turned around and headed in the direction of the public library.  It was only a few blocks away.

The library was busy, which made sense, given the number of offices and businesses around, the number of people wanting some quiet during their lunch hour, and people doing research or casual browsing they couldn’t do at their workplaces.  I would have included Brockton Bay’s biggest and fanciest high school, the nearby Arcadia High, in that generalization, but I doubted many students were spending their lunch breaks at the library.

Going to the library to clear your mind and think about all of this?

The Central Library looked almost more like a museum or art gallery than anything else, with tall ceilings, pillars and massive pieces of artwork hung to frame the hallways between the major sections of the building.  I headed up to the second floor, where there were about twenty computers and a line of people waiting their turn to use them.  I anticipated a fifteen or twenty minute wait, but as the clock approached one o’clock, people headed back to work and the line rapidly thinned out.  A free computer came up within a few minutes of my joining the line. I let the person behind me go on ahead, waiting a bit longer so I could get a station with a little more privacy.

Oh is she heading to the library computer to avoid being traced as she responds? Smart!

Also I would love to be in that library. All of the yes.

By the time I sat down, I had a pretty good idea of what I wanted to write.  I found the message with the search function and clicked on the username ‘Tt’.  A drop down menu appeared, and I chose ‘send private message’.  It gave me the option of making an account, signing in with an already existing account, or sending the message as an anonymous guest.  I chose the last option, then typed:

Subject: Re:Bug

Bug here.  Would like to meet, but want proof you are Tt.  I’ll reciprocate if needed.

Welp we put the plan in motion it seems! A very dangerous plan at that!

Going to the library, using an anonnymous identity, asking for proof...Taylor is being very smart in doing something that seems very dumb

I didn’t send it right away, taking a moment to consider.  Getting decent proof would prevent any potential problems like the message turning out to be a trap laid by, say, Bakuda.  Leaving the burden of proof on Tattletale and leaving it up to her to decide if she wanted verification I was indeed ‘Bug’ meant I didn’t have to worry about coming up with exactly how one might prove their identity.  I reread it twice over, then sent the message.

I don’t think it would be Bakuda, especially now that you commented on the possibility.

The reply came only two or three minutes later.  It was fast enough that I couldn’t imagine Tattletale taking the time to check and double check every aspect of her message the way I had mine.  Was that recklessness on her part, or just the benefit of experience?

Maybe she has a knack for these things? Or has done this before?

I closed the tabs I had opened in the meantime and checked to see what she had written.  It was a private message, from her to me, and it set my fight or flight instincts in high gear:

Subject: re:Bug

Proof?  Last night you didn’t say anything until I asked your name.  Big guy had a mess of nasty bites and you pepper sprayed him and I told my pal G that when he asked.  Good enough?

G R and me will meet you at the same spot we crossed paths last night, k? Don’t have to get gussied up if you catch my drift. Rest of us will be in casual wear.

If we meet at 3 will that give you enough time to get there from library with everything you need?  let me know

Ta ta

Oh what the fuck

Tattletale knows you are in the library? That is concerning

Is that her power? Is she able to know where people are and what they are doing? Therefore knowing their “secrets”, hence the nickname? That seems very powerfull

Let’s hope her mental-type power doesn’t also include reading minds, cause if it does, you are already extremely fucked.

Remember what  I said before about this being a bad idea? With the possibility of a mental power in their group, multiply that ten times.

My heart pounded.  She knew where I was, and she was letting me know. Why?  More to the point, how?  Had I unwittingly entered an online exchange with a savvy hacker?  I knew my way around computers, my mom had made sure I had one since before I could read and write, but I would be lying if I said I could tell if I was being hacked or do anything about it.

She could have just seen your library IP, I guess. Powers seems more interesting though.

I would have interpreted the casual mention of my location as a veiled threat if it didn’t run contrary to everything else in her messages to me.  Besides – Tattletale was talking about meeting me in casual clothes.  I took that to mean they wouldn’t be in costume.  I couldn’t understand why, but at the same time, it was hard to imagine her threatening me with one breath just a sentence after she’d offered to meet me in a way that made her totally vulnerable.

I would say her mentioning it was more of a power flex, than it was a threat.

And that move not only makes her vulnerable, it makes you vulnerable, It means that they both know your identity, and you know theirs. Which both sound really bad

Tattletale had unwittingly raised the stakes for my scheme.  My primary goal was to gather information on them, and here I was getting a chance to see them with their masks off.  It was too good to be true, which made me wonder what kind of safeguards they had in place to protect themselves.

I think the stakes were already higher than you realized. This is an insanely risky move. There is a reason why only trained professionals are double agents.

I just had no idea what I would be getting into.

That is an understatement.

The screensaver came up while I stared at the monitor with thoughts racing through my head.  The words ‘BROCKTON BAY CENTRAL LIBRARY’ scrolled across the screen in varying colors.

I bet it never hits the corner.

If I went, best case scenario, I could get enough information to turn them in.  I’d get mucho cred from the good guys and respect from an international celebrity.  If I’d judged Armsmaster right, I’d get even more brownie points if I gave him the info and let him – or helped him – make the bust.  On the flip side of the coin, the worst case scenario was that it was a trap, or they’d figure out what I was doing.  It would mean a fight, maybe a beating.  There was an outside possibility I could get killed, but somehow that didn’t concern me as much as it maybe should have.  Part of the reason for my lack of concern, I think, was that the possibility existed any time I went out in costume.  That, and from my interactions with them last night, I didn’t get a ‘killer’ vibe from them.

They are still villains! Villains you would royally piss off!!

Also I can’t help but feel that the “mucho cred” you would get from the heroes and the world is slighly idealized. The Risk/Reward ratio on this one is not good

On the topic of the status quo… if I didn’t go, what would happen?  This particular window of opportunity would likely pass, as far as being able to get the dirt on Tattletale and her gang.  That was okay, as I thought on it.  It was a high risk, high reward venture anyways.  Taking that path would mean turning down the meet, then killing time for the rest of the afternoon, trying to avoid dwelling on the fact that I had missed two straight afternoons of classes and might, maybe, miss more.   It was depressing to think about.

Is she subsconsciously putting herself in very dangerous situations as a form of escapism ? That doesn’t seem healthy

“Excuse me?”

Startled, I looked up.  A middle aged woman in a red jacket stood just behind me.  As I met her eyes she asked, “Are you done?”  She gestured at the computer, where the screensaver was still scrolling.

“Excuse me, ma’am, I was in the process of making a mistake”

Heady with the relief that she hadn’t been, irrationally enough, Tattletale, I smiled and told her, “Give me thirty seconds.”

Subject: Re:Bug

See you at three.

Well, we’re all in now. Let’s see how this goes.

[allsystemsarenotgo]

A friend and I were talking one day, and she shared this with me.

She was much like me, raised with a quarter between the knees, terrified of the things we were taught to avoid and trying to live reasonably noble lives. She wasn't allowed Birth Control for religious reasons (pro-life) as well as to prevent enablism. Her family was much more religious than mile, though I still went to church during my Sophomore, Junior, and Senior years of high school.

She married a guy 10 years older than herself, who was a long-time routine customer of her family's business. They married right after she graduated high school, long before she applied to higher education.

She is a nurse now. She has 3 kids, works long hours at a hospital, and her husband is a successful farmer as he always has been. She struggled at times, but she made it through.

She knows life would have been easier without the first child, but she was innocent and naiive and I think she realizes that she jumped in the deep end of the pool before learning how to swim.

I did the same thing.

All through high school I pledged to abstinence until marriage. I hated everything to do with sex. The topic, the drama, the action, the result. I wanted nothing to do with it.

But I also never dated through grade school at all. I never had a girlfriend. Plenty of crushes (M.S. above being one of them), but just as many denials. Because I didn't drink, smoke, do drugs, have FFA animals, or play athletics, I also wasn't a member of any social group. I was always the kid in the corner of the cafeteria scarfing food down in 5 minutes and sleeping the other 20, or asking to go to a teacher's classroom, where it was serene and quiet.

My freshman year of college, I even wrote an essay on abstinents for English class. That really didn't go over well in regards to having to read it out loud. There might as well have been fruit flying at me.

My dorm was set up such that we had 3 private bedrooms that shared a living space and bathroom. One of the roommates always had girls over, and he never tried to be quiet (or if he did, he failed...badly).

So those two things were my indoctrination to college life. Getting judged and leered at for writing an abstinence essay, and having to listen to a roommate multiple times a week.

Towards the very end of my freshman year, a girl from high school messaged me. We started talking, and she admitted that she had always had a crush on me and was too shy to ever say anything.

Error #1: For no good reason whatsoever, I agreed to formulate a relationship with this female

So when I moved home from the dorms, I hung out with the lass a few times, but my parents were moving out of the country and closer to my school, so I could live at home. That meant that this would now be a 1.5-hour-each-way medium-distance relationship.

So every 4th or 6th weekend during the remainder of that summer and into the fall semester, I would drive up and spend a day with her. Sometimes, I would drive her out of the country and into the city to give her a glimpse of escape (it was very impoverished where we grew up).

Error #2: Doing whatever made her happy

I really enjoyed the time that we spent together. She got me a purity necklace for Christmas that year. She said she understood that my preference meant something to me.

But then, something changed. She would start dropping enuindos and jokes and send me photos that I didn't ask for.

Error #3: Not standing up for myself

She said that I meant something to her, and asked me if she meant something to me. At the time, I did not comprehend that as a trap...but I wanted to make her happy, so I said "yes".

The next thing I know, she is booking a hotel for us for Valentine's day. Wherein, I learned a thing or two or five or ten that I really wasn't interested in learning in the first place.

-Provides Clorox to help scrub the thoughts from your mind-

After that, she wanted me to come see her more and more often. But I was tied up with school and life.

Mind you, we usually had a phone call every night, or at least every other night. Same time, right before bed. Sometimes we would fall asleep on the phone with eachother.

Error #4: Accepting anything as fact

Well one night, I called her, and she answered...but it was noisy in the background, like she was driving. But she never talked while driving, and wouldn't answer the phone with family in the car.

She said she was in a friend's car and they were going to the beach for the night, which was completely reasonable for the time of year and her group of friends. She cut the conversation short saying they had arrive, so we bid our greeting. But she didn't hang up, and something told me that I shouldn't either. So I didn't.

"Who was that?"

"Don't mind him. He was just calling to check on me. He's controlling like that."

"He sounds like a jerk"

"Enough about him. He won't do this."

-Provides more clorox-

And that's how I found out that her primal needs were more important than our "relationship".

Unfortunately, shortly after I broke up with her, I was sent a photo of her quite visibly pregnant. Fortunately, the timetable did not add up to Valentine's day (aside of the fact that it was physically/biologically 95% impossible).

That summer, I started a job at the student newspaper. Right off the bat, one of the graphic artists and I got along very well. We spent way too much time at work talking to eachother and goofing off, instead of working. Enough so that our boss took notice and things got tense for a bit with him. We still cranked out work no problem, but we were both too young to understand workplace policy and procedure when it comes to "dating but not dating", which is basically exactly what we were doing. We spent alot of time together. I would go to her dorm after class and we would watch movies and just goof off or do whatever. We enjoyed time together.

Error #1: So cliché. So, so cliché.

So Valentine's day rolls around, and she asks 'the question'.

So something in biology: There is a term called "Once an animal has the taste of blood, they will always hunt for it." Unfortunately, humans can sometimes be considered a sub-species of the animal kingdom.

Like the dumbass that I am, I accept to the terms and conditions.

And at the end of the night, she asks: "So are we officially dating now?"

"I...I guess?", I answered nervously.

Errors #2 to #457: Not escaping

And just like that, I was suckered into nearly 2.5 years of having a FWB while having to, very creatively at times, mask it as a legitimate relationship.

We enjoyed the time we spent together.

We enjoyed going places together.

My mum liked her, her parents liked me. (Dad was skeptical at best and thought I could do better)

The small issue: I struggled to communicate at times. I didn't know how to find my voice, so there were times that I would have to text her how I felt. Sometimes I would hide in a corner just so I could cry. (I later learned of my autism, and it all made sense and I learned how to resolve this)

The big issue: I was completely burned out on intimacy. After almost 2.5 years of emulating laboratory rabbits, I was done. My usefulness had expired.

The biggest issue: We were both suffering academically. We had no common interests at all anymore, and we had put eachother ahead of our own academics so much that we were both risking academic expulsion.

So we mutually agreed to break up.

She dropped out of university (and never went back or finished her schooling), and I changed majors twice before getting my Bachelor of Science.

My first relationship lasted from June 2009 to April 2010.

My second "relationship" lasted from February 2011 until May 2012 (Although we started spending time together in significant amounts starting August 2010)

I have not had a girlfriend since May 2012.

I had one friend in my senior year of college, who gave me some non-physical affection while also keeping me firmly locked in the friendzone. But quality time, by itself, only goes so far.

I have not had any physical affection since May 2012.

I have not spent quality time with a female since May 2013.

For most of that time, from May 2013 to August 2019, I really didn't mind it at all. I have been so tied up in working, hobbies, and life in general, that I completely ignored women.

But as my birthday loomed near in October 2019, it donned on me....I was on a crash course to being eternally lonely.

So I have tried online dating. I have gone on a few first dates, but no second dates.

Sometimes, I want to give up. The fight just doesn't seem worth the reward.

And honestly?

Sometimes I feel exactly like my friend's remarks at the top of this post. Sometimes I wish I would have been a little more rebellious, a little more care-free, a little more out-there.

But at the same time, ...

Sometimes I wish that neither relationship would have ever happened.

That I would have never learned the true definition of intimacy.

That I would have never done whatever it took to make the other person happy.

That I wouldn't have been such an easy push-over.

That I would have stuck to my initial pledge in life

That I would have spoke up more and defended myself.

All I am now, is damaged product.

I don't truly know how to love.

I don't truly know how to feel.

I don't truly know how to be myself.

I don't truly know how to be intimate.

I am human, I am male, so of course I have my moments. But I don't want that to be the reason for a relationship. I want it to be the least-important factor, or not a factor at all.

I want a relationship founded on trust, honesty, fortitude, common interests, personality, maybe even a little faith.

Not intimacy.

I just want to not be invisible, or to only have one attribute visible.

I want to be seen for all the other attributes.

I am not A-sexual. I still feel emotions and feelings. I just don't want to let them out of the locked box which contains them. Not without lots of context and preparedness.

[yoon-kooks]

With Love and No Regrets💋 2

Pairing: ??? x Reader, Taehyung x Reader (this chapter)

Genre: Angst, Handwritten!AU, inspired by TATBILB

Summary: Seven stories, seven regrets, seven letters… to all the boys you may or may not still think about…

Word Count: 2.8k

Parts: Prologue // 1 // 1.5 // 2 // 2.5 // 3 // 

Warnings: none

A/N: hands up if you remember your first crush ever 😔✊

Fifth grade might’ve been your prime. You were a whopping ten years old, all the kindergarteners looked up to you as their senior, multiple boys in your class had their eye on you, and you developed your first crush. His name was Kim Taehyung.

Unlike Jungkook who you had met in kindergarten, the existence of Kim Taehyung was unknown to you until fifth grade came around. And boy did he hit you like a truck.

Taehyung was cute. Perhaps one of the cutest boys in your class, up there with Kim Namjoon and Jung Hoseok. And sure, you would’ve loved for fate aka your teacher to seat you right next to him for the entire school year. But the truth is, fate wasn’t always so kind. Because Taehyung always somehow ended up on the opposite side of the room from you.

But why leave everything up to fate? You weren’t that passive when it came to love—at least not at age ten. So you found another way to connect with the boy.

One stormy October morning, you discovered a common interest between Taehyung and yourself. Rainy days were always your favorite because your class was blessed with some free time in the school’s computer lab during recess. After all, you were the type that opted to stay behind a screen instead of facing things head on.

“Ahin, how are you level 77 already?” you asked your best friend as you glanced back and forth between her level 77 mage and your level 32 bandit on the computer screen. Her character had a lot more swag with the sunglasses and shit compared to your basic ass character with the default clothes.

“That’s because my screen time isn’t limited to one hour a day like you,” Ahin shrugged. “At this rate, you’ll be a noob forever, Y/N. Taehyung’s gonna over-level you soon.”

“Taehyung plays StapleMory, too?” You were intrigued because StapleMory was already your favorite MMORPG, but with the addition of a cute boy thrown into the mix, you’d have to beg your mother for an extra hour of play time.

“Yeah, he started playing a few weeks ago and he’s only a few levels behind you.”

“What’s his username? I wanna add him to my friend list.”

“Why? Are you in love with him or something?”

“What? No, of course not.” You didn’t have a crush on him just yet. You didn’t even know what a crush felt like.

“Well I don’t know his username either,” Ahin said. “I just heard him talking about it with Hoseok. Try asking them instead.”

You’d only made the smallest of small talk with Taehyung in the first month back from summer break, so you didn’t know him well enough to casually start a conversation with him at recess without it feeling a little forced. On the other hand, you did have an already established acquaintance with Hoseok thanks to summer school a few years back.

You peered down at the pair of boys several computers down from where you sat, locked onto your target, and rolled your chair over in that direction. When you caught a glimpse of familiar character sprites on their screens, you knew what to do.

“You play StapleMory, too, Hoseok?” The character on his screen was a heavily armored warrior holding a long blue spear.

“Y-you play too, Y/N?” He looked shocked. Shocked but not upset. Though maybe if you both had put two and two together sooner, you could’ve advanced your acquaintanceship with him beyond summer school.

“Yeah, and Ahin plays too.”

“I play too,” Taehyung jumped in. Contrary to his natural handsomeness, his character was on the ugly side equipped with a bow and arrows. “Well I just started, so I’m only level 30.”

“Oh, so you’re still just a noob,” you laughed as if being two levels higher than him was anything to boast about.

“Well what level are you then?”

“Higher than you.” You really should not have had that smug look on your face, but you did.

Taehyung narrowed his eyes at you. It was a challenge. “What’s your username? I’ll add you.”

“YoungHinata.”

“Is that some kind of Naruto reference or something?”

“Yeah, duh.” You didn’t know. It wasn’t your username.

After typing the username in, Taehyung’s jaw dropped. “Level 77? That’s… impressive. You already have your third job advancement?”

You wanted to psych him out a little, not impress him. Clearly that didn’t work out, so you abort. “Nah, I’m just kidding. That’s Ahin’s character.”

“Haha very funny. I guess I’ll add her then, not you.” Taehyung sent Ahin a virtual friend request right in front of your eyes. “Unless you wanna tell me your username.”

Were you feeling threatened? No. But did you want Taehyung to be your friend? Yes.

“It’s… TacoCat98.” You admit you were self-conscious about the name, and you would’ve picked something a little wittier like TacoBelle if you’d known you’d be playing with a cute boy. But nobody could’ve predicted that.

“Seriously?” Taehyung laughed at your username as he typed it in. He had no right to clown you when his own username was something as simple Vante, and you totally did not get the reference if there was one. And he only stopped laughing once he saw your character. “You called me a noob when you’re only like two levels above me? Noob.”

“It doesn’t matter! I’m still higher than you, so ha!” You got the last laugh, but not the last say.

“Not for long, Y/N… Not for long.” The confidence in Taehyung’s voice was admirable with a hint of flirtiness, but you wouldn’t let him get the best of you. Or so you thought.

-

It had quickly become a regular thing for you to hop online after school with either Ahin, Hoseok and Taehyung, or just Taehyung. Your mother was pleasantly surprised to see you zipping through your homework with newfound motivation, and she even granted you an extra hour of screen time to reward your excelling academics. Little did she know that your motivation had everything to do with a boy.

With that valuable extra hour of play time, you did everything in your power to stay ahead of Taehyung. You grinded, took on quests, asked Ahin for advice on the best equips and places to train, and you did so without a minute to waste. The only time you took a break from leveling up your character was when a certain notification popped up on your screen.

[Vante has logged in!]

[Vante sent you a message!]

Vante: hi Y/N >:)

TacoCat98: why r u sending me a mean face? :P

Vante: freedom of speech?

TacoCat98: ok?

Vante: come train with me :(

TacoCat98: where r u now?

Vante: where the fire boars are

TacoCat98: kk

You might’ve been in the middle of a jump quest that you’d have to restart later, but you were willing to forfeit some good EXP in exchange for time with Taehyung. The two of you were close enough in level where it’d be mutually beneficial to train together on the same map anyway. So you hustled over to the fire boars.

As soon as you walked through the portal to where Taehyung said he was, you witnessed a hoard of flaming pigs chasing an ugly green-haired archer. Rather than extending a hand to help the boy out of danger, you take pleasure in watching him struggle to find safety on a nearby platform.

“why didnt u help me????” A speech bubble appeared over Taehyung’s character. “i almost died!!”

“i didnt wanna kiss you,” you typed, with a very embarrassing typo. “i meant KS you… not kiss you lol”

“r u sure that was a typo?” Taehyung changed his character’s facial expression to a hmm face.

“KISS wouldnt have made sense in that context!!” K.S. was the abbreviation of kill steal, which was when someone (often a noob like Taehyung) is trying to kill a monster but then a higher level player passes by and instantly kills the monster as a form of mockery. Kiss, on the other hand, meant something very different.

“right…”

“RIGHT.” You made your character flail around in the air like a kid having a tantrum before jumping down to release all your awkward energy out on the fire boars. “can we just train now??”

You sent Taehyung a request to join your party, and he accepted it, but he remained right where he was instead of joining you on the battle grounds.

“or we could just talk,” he typed. That not only surprised you, but also meant something to you. It meant he’d rather spend time chatting with you over leveling up his character. You were more important to him than the game itself.

You jumped back up to the safe platform and faced Taehyung’s character. “we could.”

You didn't know if he was just luring you away from training so he could sneak past you in levels as soon as you logged off, but maybe it didn’t matter. You only had two hours a day to do whatever you wanted on the computer, and Taehyung was what made your time feel well-spent.

And if he ended up surpassing you in levels as a result of that, you’d lose bragging rights and that hold over him, but something in you wanted to believe he wouldn’t leave your noob ass behind.

-

For a solid year, you never grew bored of Taehyung and his antics. Even in the classroom, it became apparent that you two were no strangers. You teased him about his new haircuts, he teased you by shouting “TacoCat98” across the school yard, and you both exchanged ugly faces as you passed by each others’ desks. All of that was innocent and cute, though the more intimate stuff remained online.

You can’t remember the exact moment you first acknowledged your feelings for Taehyung because it was your very first crush and you had no way of recognizing the signs. For a while, you assumed your first crush would be Namjoon because he had all the stunning physical qualities you thought you wanted in a boyfriend. But with Taehyung, it was something else that you couldn’t quite comprehend. All you knew was that he made your day a little brighter. And you found yourself thinking about him. A lot.

But nothing could’ve made you realize your crush more than when he asked you about it right after graduation.

Vante: hey

TacoCat98: hey

Vante: do you like anyone?

It was your chance—the golden opportunity. You wanted to scream “YES, IT’S YOU” through your computer. But on the off chance that he didn’t feel the same way, you wanted to save yourself from a potential rejection. You told yourself you’d only confess to him if you felt 100% confident that he felt the same way. Despite having a gut feeling that that might’ve been the case, you needed more answers.

TacoCat98: lol why r u asking?

Vante: bc u know how my group of guys had a talk after the grad ceremony?

TacoCat98: umm no? and yall arent “guys” yet btw. youre still boys lolol

Vante: whatever -_-

Vante: anyway

Vante: the BOYS had a talk about who we liked in our class

Vante: so i know who likes u

Someone liked you? That was definitely news to you. No one (to your knowledge) ever had a crush on you in your ten years of life. Naturally, you were curious as a kitten as to who it was, and if it was in fact Taehyung himself. Or maybe he was just bluffing. If that were the case, you were going to bluff back.

TacoCat98: well i know who likes u too :P

Vante: who?

For some reason, your dumbass didn’t anticipate him asking you to spill the tea. Especially not when you were alluding to your own crush on him.

TacoCat98: u tell me first and then ill tell u

Because how romantic would that be if the feeling was mutual and realized on the online platform where it had all begun to bloom?

Vante: hoseok

TacoCat98: wat

Vante: hoseok said he likes u

Vante: ok next

You needed a long minute to comprehend what had happened. Hoseok liked you? Hoseok? Hoseok didn’t even know you the way Taehyung did. You rarely even spoke to him outside of when he’d play StapleMory with you and Taehyung. So how was it possible for Jung Hoseok to develop a crush on you out of nothing? Spoiler alert: It wasn’t possible. But you didn’t know that at the time.

Vante: so… who likes me?

An idiot liked Taehyung. And that idiot was you. But after he didn’t confess to you like you had hoped, there was no way you’d confess either.

TacoCat98: actually i promised to keep that a secret

Vante: but u said u would tell me >:(

TacoCat98: well im srry!!

TacoCat98: it’s not like you were sharing your OWN crush, so why r u so mad lol

TacoCat98: hoseok probably wanted to keep that a secret but u told me anyway

Vante: true

Vante: dont tell him i told u >.<

TacoCat98: ok i wont

Vante: good

Vante: now back to the original question… tell me who u like

TacoCat98: i dont like anyone lol

Vante: seriously…

TacoCat98: really i dont lol

Vante: everyone has a crush

TacoCat98: and your crush is…?

Vante: ahin

He typed it without hesitation, not a sliver of doubt. He confidently told you about his crush on your best friend as if that information wasn’t going to get back to her. Maybe he intended for you to tell Ahin so he wouldn’t have to confess himself. Or maybe he just wanted to make you jealous. The latter was what he accomplished.

As a friend, you loved Ahin and envied her for how easily she got along with the boys in your class. Just as her StapleMory character outshined yours, she had the same effect at school. It honestly didn’t surprise you that Taehyung chose her over you. You had just hoped and envisioned that this time it was you.

TacoCat98: AHIN!!! can i tell u something?

YoungHinata: sure lol

TacoCat98: i like tae

YoungHinata: omg

YoungHinata: really????

YoungHinata: u should tell him!!

YoungHinata: he always acts like he likes u too

TacoCat98: i dont think he likes me like that

YoungHinata: y tho???

TacoCat98: i just have a feeling :(

YoungHinata: well youll never know for sure unless u confess to him

TacoCat98: nah im fine with him never knowing

TacoCat98: i just wanted to get it off my chest so i told u instead of him lol

-

After elementary school ended and middle school started, you were more thankful than ever that you and Taehyung had established an online friendship. You wouldn’t have otherwise known he attended the same middle school because you had zero classes with him in sixth grade and literally never saw him on campus. You owed a lot to the online platform for all the opportunities it provided you with in chatting with your crush. At the same time, a relationship built upon online engagements had its limits.

[Vante has logged in!]

TacoCat98: hihihi

Vante: i havent seen your face around these parts in a while

TacoCat98: blame my teachers >:(

TacoCat98: more hw = less staplemory

Vante: same

Vante: dont u think it’s weird tho

TacoCat98: whats weird?

Vante: how we talk on here but not irl

TacoCat98: i guess we never see each other at school anymore

There were a million better ways to respond to Taehyung’s comment, but that’s how you chose to respond. You had every opportunity to say, “hey let’s meet up at lunch tomorrow” or “wanna get milk tea after school?” But you were too dense to realize what he wanted out of that conversation. You took it more as a subtle breakup like “we can’t be friends anymore because things are awkward now irl.” After all, you were on the wrong side of an unrequited love, and it was almost inevitable that he’d develop other crushes on his new classmates who outclassed you.

It was only after you both quit StapleMory later that year and left your friendship to die in cyberspace that you heard a rumor floating around regarding you and Taehyung. One of your new middle school friends said Taehyung had asked her if it was true that you had a crush on him.

How did Taehyung know about that? And why did he even care? He was supposed to like Ahin. He told you himself that he liked Ahin. If you were his crush, he would’ve told you. He should’ve told you. Because you were fully convinced he no longer cared about his little gamer friend when there were plenty of prettier kids to pursue. And whether or not it was the truth, you took it to heart, despite all the other signs that had said otherwise.

So, no. The rumor wasn't true. You didn’t have a crush on him. Not anymore.