#it took me like three years to finally do it after nurse management basically begged me so i wouldn't get in trouble for call offs lmao

[coastercrushed]

so i figured it out. i might be having an allergic reaction to the augmentin ( first time taking it to my knowledge ) and that's why i've been awake for nearly three days

[brxnzedragxn]

i don't think i've ever elaborated on that to anyone actually in the time between jey leaving and roman coming home, and its going to be hard to do at midnight with. i shant say his name lest he appear but believe me i am being haunted by his theme[s]. but i'll try

okay so. after the sami incident jey left the bloodline and left home [world is shaped a bit different but most of the family lived in the same neighborhoodish sized area] entirely. he went full no contact because everyone was like well you just have to get used to listening to roman, you have to accept that it's going to take time before he settles into his position, you don't have to agree with him but you hear to respect him, etc etc. and he was like, "no. it's been three years, i loved sami, i'm not doing this anymore and if you're not going to support that then i don't need your support."

he pretty much Only told comet he was leaving, and comet, only here in this mess bc he followed jey home twenty years ago, said, "okay. we're leaving. i have to tell solo goodbye." and jey told him "no, YOU are staying here to take care of everyone the way you always do when we're gone. you can do it. i believe in you. i will be back for you but i don't know when that is."

and so comet was left to watch roman continue to fuck it all up and eventually get his shit kicked in and retreat to god knows where to nurse his wounded ego. and solo, who had wanted it during court when the twins jokingly offered it to him, stepped up and into the role, and, well, comet and jimmy were never that close, but he and solo were both late to learn to communicate like the rest of the family. and solo wanted it, and comet was like, okay. he's going to do better. he's always been more gentle than roman. we can do this.

but by that point solo was convinced roman was only wrong for being too weak to keep a grip on everything. roman had filled his head with thoughts of what he should be to be the head of the table. and he was furious at his brothers for being failures too. and at paul, who was basically their uncle, for letting roman a) do all that b) do all that for nothing. unlike roman solo kept insisting it was just for the time being, that he was going to fix it and then things could go back to normal, but unfortunately that's not how things work and it took a fair amount of begging and pleading and getting his shit kicked in before he understood that.

and jey came home a little different, and roman finally came home too, very very different. and comet Did Not forgive roman right away. solo, that was easy, he and solo has been close their whole lives. but roman never saw comet as family, or a friend, or anything--he was some fucking thing jey brought home, some pet whose goal was to embarrass him by virtue of being a wild animal trying to talk to him at school and then in front of his shield brothers and then in front of his company.

except now comets the only one who has told him he was being a jackass the entire time, the only one who wouldn't take him back with open arms, who held it all against him. and that hurts because he loves everyone else so, so much, stuck around through it even though he had no obligation to just to clean up roman's messes. and comet cannot stand him for what he did to the family, to everyone he brought home that comet befriended, to himself, to him, to the world. he just hates roman.

except he doesn't, he's just mad and hurt and confused because why would you do that! but somehow roman manages to convince him that he's changed and they end up together and then officially on paper comet is in the family. the end.

[goodieghostyarchive]

Unsure if I stated it on here, but for those unaware: (and warning because this is Gross health and medical stuff, but I need to vent because this still pisses me off)

for the last year and a half I was having Galbladder Attacks. Meds did not help me. Sometimes the pain was brief. Sometimes it lasted hours. Sometimes I threw up. I was constantly nauseous, any food I ate resulted in an instant bathroom trip

At the start, I told my first doc everything, including my family history of Galbladder issues. She diagnosed me with Gerd and told me "I hope we can figure out what's wrong, because you're too young to be having these issues" ???

She put me on a bland diet, prescribed me a medicine for Gerd. That didn't work. She put me on another diet, clear liquids. Didn't work. I lost twenty pounds and kept losing. In a month. She didn't seem fazed. At all.

These diets made me so constipated that I became impacted. I was full of shit. Literally. I had to go to the ER. They couldn't get it moving. Gave me meds. Told me to take laxatives and then told me to "come back if you haven't passed it by this time tomorrow and we'll manually remove it" okay

Soooo had to go back, but it was a different doc. Who told me "well you don't look like you're in pain so... go home. Here's more meds" despite me telling them what the last doc said.

I literally couldn't eat. It hurt to Sit. Or move.

So I went home. Took a ton of laxatives. And plopped myself on the toilet for hours. Basically laid an egg. Cried.

And for a little while the Galbladder attacks stopped. Probably because I literally couldn't eat for a while because I was that backed up.

And then they started again. A few months after we moved to our own apartment. The thing with galbladder attacks, is their frequency can vary a LOT.

I got a new primary who actually listened. And she got me referred to a specialist who was going to perform a HIDA scan to check out my Galbladder. Finally! Right? Finally looking up??

WRONG

Three days before the appointment, I experienced the Worst attack ever. I had to call out of work. (I had to do this often because the attacks would happen a few hours before I was meant to go in. I got yelled at by a bitch manager btw). Pain meds, again, didn't work. I was exhausted.

Eight hours passed. Not good. Usually they go away in fifteen minutes to an hour. So I have to go to the ER.

GALLSTONES

Had to have emergency surgery.

They gave me oxycodone for the pain after. The nurse told me that they "tried to move a camera through the bile duct to see if there were any more stones, but it kept getting caught on something, we think it was just a valve though" remember this

But then, five days later, I start getting the pain again. Weird.... Maybe it's the incisions. I'll see my primary and bring it up and get an extension on my doctor's note(because they only gave me a week, a week had passed, I was still recovering.)

My doctor took one look at me and said "honey you need to go to the ER, you're yellow" YELLOW.

Another trip to the ER

And y'all, this pain. This pain was HORRIBLE. It was so much worse. I felt like I was dying. My partners had to alternate between rubbing my back. I threw up three times. I had only eaten mashed potatoes. I was begging for sedation.

They had to go in, through a tube in my throat. And found two stones!!

Yay!!!

And now, currently, I'm still bloated all the time. Constantly burping. Super gassy. And going to the bathroom? Difficult, because I lost some sensation down there from being impacted!

I was experiencing a random stabbing pain as well, but that seems to have gone away.

I have a GI doc now though, luckily.

I feel like if my first doctor had actually listened to me, I wouldn't be in this mess and I would still have, you know, sensation

My GI is meant to contact me soon, I'm going to call tomorrow. More tests in my future. She thinks it might be: Chronic intestinal pseudo-obstruction (CIPO)

I just, idk anymore. I'm tired.

Bavk in the er again besties

[bleachluna]

Letters

Ended up skipping day 2 of @hitsukarinweek as I had no ideas for it but here’s my fic for day 3! Also on AO3

Dear Toshiro,

Can you please explain to me how the hell Soul Society managed to copy mobile phones from humans, and even put hollow tracking technology in them, but didn't make them able to send stuff across realms? I know you explained that SS phones in soul society can only contact those in soul society, and when they're here in the human world they can only contact those here, but I only realised how ridiculously stupid that is until after you left. What if there's an emergency and you need to contact someone across realms for whatever reason? Surely you need to get this fixed, I cannot believe if I want to talk to you I'm stuck writing letters like it's the 1800s. I'm even writing more formally than I expected, apparently letter writing brings it out of me and I absolutely hate it. You've gotta fix it. Not to mention I'm not a fan of leaving letters for Urahara to pass on for me, I'm not totally convinced he won't read them.

Anyway, it's been a couple of months since I saw you last. That's probably a good thing, that a captain hasn't been needed here, but I'll admit I wonder about you sometimes, I hope everything is ok on your end! I don't know what it was about turning sixteen but all of a sudden all of this stuff about trying to figure out careers is on me constantly. Yuzu figured out years ago that she wanted to go into healthcare, she took to it way back when we were kids. She was originally planning to go into nursing but her grades have improved a lot recently, she might be a doctor instead, but she's also thinking about midwifery. So there's stuff she's gotta figure out for sure, but at least she knows what area she wants to go into? I don't even have that. I mean how do you figure out what to do with the rest of your life when you're sixteen? I haven't even figured myself out yet. How did you decide to become a shinigami?

Other than that though things are ok. School is a little stressful because grades suddenly feel so much more important, but the work's manageable at least. Hollow level seems to be stable at the minute too which is great, one less thing to worry about! And Urahara improved his reiatsu blocking bracelet thing, I've had this one for almost four months and it hasn't broken so even less chance of getting eaten! Always a plus. But anyway, I hope things are good on your end as well, and that you aren't buried up to your ears in paperwork. Let me know if you ever have any plans to pop up in the human world!

Best Wishes,

Karin

P.S. - I sent this on the 22nd of June, let me know when this gets to you/when you send yours, I wanna know what sort of delivery time we're looking at here.

- - - - -

Dear Karin,

I don't even remotely have the skills or know-how to fix something like that, that's what the Research & Development Team is for. I agree it's a little daft that our mobile phones can't send things across realms, but I'm sure said team knows this and is likely working on it, as you said, it would be unfortunate in an emergency situation. Plus I know Urahara can be a little eccentric, but do you really think he'd read the letters? I'm sure it's fine.

It is a good thing I've not been needed, the last thing Karakura needs is more trouble and destruction. Have they managed to rebuild that major bridge you were talking about yet? Everything is alright here, or at least in my division anyway. I've been kept busy recently, a set of students graduated from the academy last month so I've had 18 new recruits to introduce to squad 10. As for the careers stuff, I honestly assumed from the work you did here and there for the clinic that you were interested in healthcare as well, I take it that's not actually the case then? Do you at least have rough ideas of the sort of thing you'd want to go into? I'm not sure I'll be much help in that respect, I can't wrap my head around half of the jobs that seem to exist in the human world. In some ways I had it easier, the choice was out of my hands. My reiatsu was getting stronger and Hyorinmaru came to me before I even knew what was happening, I needed to go to the academy to make sure my reiatsu didn't become dangerous, therefore I became a shinigami. I never had to wonder what to do with myself in terms of employment.

I'm glad to hear things are going well with you, I'm certainly glad to hear you don't have to worry as much about the bracelet breaking. Is your reiatsu still increasing? If it's stabilising that might be part of why this new bracelet is managing better. I know you're not particularly interested in getting involved with shinigami stuff, which frankly I agree with, but if your reiatsu is still increasing I do think it's worth training you to hide it properly. I am unfortunately always at least a little buried in paperwork, particularly recently with the new recruits, but it's manageable. I don't think I'll be in the human world soon, but I will let you know if I plan to.

Best Wishes,

Toshiro

P.S. - I got your letter on the 2nd of July, I should be handing this letter over to be sent on the 4th, schedule permitting.

- - - - -

Dear Toshiro,

Well I hope you make sure that the research team are working on it, because this really is ridiculous. And you're kidding right? I trust Urahara about as far as I can throw him, which is probably all of three feet.

The bridge is still being rebuilt, but I think they're in the last stages now thank god. All the diversions needed really messed with the traffic, maybe I can finally stop leaving the house half an hour earlier just to get to my soccer club. It's supposed to be twenty minutes max by bus and it's been taking easily twice that. Let me know if you find out which shinigami it was that released their zanpakuto on that bridge, I have some choice words for them.

An entire class of students graduated and you only got 18 newbies at the tenth? Was it a small class or is that the normal kind of numbers you see? I assumed there's like, thousands and thousands of shinigami, is there less than I thought? Is that why I only ever see you and Rukia besides the dude who's currently stationed here? And I don't know about going into healthcare, that's my whole problem! I don't know what I want. Healthcare is fine but I don't feel like it's my life purpose to go into it either so yeah, I don't know. Healthcare would be alright, sports would be cool maybe? But I don't think there's a whole lot of sports careers outside of professional (which is definitely not happening) or teaching, and I'm not convinced I'm the teacher type. I just don't seem to have this strong urge to go in a particular direction like Yuzu does. But wow, I didn't know that, you basically HAD to train to be a shinigami? I didn't know that was a thing that could happen, that your reiatsu can go that far on its own. That kind of sucks though doesn't it? That you had no choice? I hope you enjoy being a shinigami at least.

To be honest I think my reiatsu probably is still going up. I don't think it's as quick as it was before, it's settled a little bit, probably because there hasn't been much danger around recently, but I do think it's still inching up. Is that a huge issue? Obviously it became a huge issue with you so now I'm kinda nervous. I'm not gonna get kidnapped into the shinigami am I? I can train to hide my reiatsu without actually becoming a shinigami right? Frankly I trust you more on this than Urahara. And you better let me know in advance if you can, Yuzu says she wants to make you those dumplings you liked again.

Best Wishes,

Karin

P.S. - I got excited at first thinking that sending these took less than two weeks, that didn't seem that bad considering we're sending them via Urahara whenever someone comes through realms, but then your letter took almost a month to come, it arrived on the 27th :( I'm handing this letter over on the 28th.

- - - - -

Dear Karin,

The Research & Development Team is not under my command, they belong to the twelfth, I cannot make sure that they're working on it, but I shall ask at the next opportunity I get. I think you're selling yourself short, I'm sure you could get at least five feet, but I do see your point, I can't say I fully trust him either, not on an individual basis anyway. I trust him to want the best for everybody, and to work towards that, but I don't think he pays attention to what that means for the individuals in the situation. More of a 'the end justifies the means' sort of person from what I've heard. And I'm afraid I have no idea who it was who damaged the bridge, but given they were fighting a powerful hollow at the time I imagine it was the correct course of action. Better on the bridge than in the middle of town.

I get the impression there is less shinigami than you think. Most squads have just over two hundred or so members, so 18 new recruits is actually a pretty good year. As for why you only really see me or Vice-Captain Kuchiki, it's a combination of needing a strong enough shinigami to deal with the sort of problems that crop up in Karakura, while also needing said shinigami to have a vague clue on how to navigate the human world. Vice-Captain Kuchiki presumably has rather extensive knowledge having lived in the human world for months, and I've been known to visit for years so they know I'm alright with being there as well. I think it's alright to not have an idea of a 'life's purpose' when you're in your second year of high school. Maybe just pick something for now as a sort of in-between while you continue working out what it is you want? Sometimes a job is just a job after all. You could always try a career in sports and see how it goes if it interests you now, and switch later on? I'm sure you'll figure something out. I'll admit I was definitely reluctant to train as a shinigami at first, it was never something I wanted originally, so it was hard to deal with to begin with I suppose, but I don't mind it these days. It's stressful, but at least I'm doing something where I'm trying to keep people safe, that suits me well enough.

Unfortunately yes, in my case my reiatsu continuously going up was an issue, but I don't think it's as serious with you. Firstly, you've not got a zanpakuto knocking on your subconscious as far as I know (the telltale giveaway is weird dreams where someone/something is trying to talk to you and tell you it's name, in case you were worried about that), and the people around you aren't vulnerable. You're unlikely to cause issues with your reiatsu because everyone around you has some degree of spiritual power already. As for the other questions, I certainly hope you won't be kidnapped into the shinigami, and I don't think your brother or even Urahara would let that happen, but it's possible you'll get Soul Society's attention if it keeps going unchecked. Of course with Urahara keeping on eye on it and keeping the reiatsu blocking bracelet on you, I'd argue that it's largely taken care of and shouldn't get other shinigami on you. There isn't much shinigami training you can do without becoming a shinigami, but you can learn to withdraw and hide your reiatsu even as a human so don't worry about that. I would say to ask your brother but he's never been very good at controlling his, Urahara is your other option, or possibly Vice-Captain Kuchiki if she's around. Or if those don't work out and your reiatsu gets to a point where you're truly worried about it let me know, I'll train you in it myself if it comes to it. Also, I appreciate the thought but your sister doesn't need to go to trouble like that for me.

Best Wishes,

Toshiro

P.S. - I got your letter on the 17th of August. I think it's safe to say they take anywhere from over a week to just under a month to arrive each time.

- - - - -

Dear Toshiro,

Let me know what the research team says! If they say they're not working on it please heavily suggest that they do, and if they say they are working on it, please ask how long they think it'll take them. Just think how much easier communicating would be if we could just call each other. The end justifies the means is EXACTLY Urahara's vibe, which is exactly why I don't really trust him. So yeah, it wouldn't even remotely surprise me if he's been reading these the entire time, better to assume the worst and be pleasantly surprised than the other way around. I suppose you have a point about the bridge being a better location than in the middle of a bunch of people, I'll put up with inconvenient travel times over unnecessary death.

Only a little over two hundred per squad? There is less than I thought! That's way less than your average university over here, that's crazy! 18 newbies is good in that case, your squad must be pretty popular. And no wonder I only really ever see you or Rukia, you guys clearly need to work on getting more people up to the speed with the human world or you're gonna end up over-worked! I guess I could just go for sports now and switch later? I don't know, you kinda get it into your head that you've gotta figure out what you want and stick to it, but I guess there's nothing actually stopping me from changing paths later. Once school goes back in I'm gonna get a meeting and talk to the careers lady, see what she says. I'm glad you're alright with being a shinigami now, hopefully it isn't stressful too much of the time.

Well, I'll take your word for it, you know more than me on this but I'm still kinda wary. You're right that there's no zanpakto trying to get my attention so far at least so that's something. If I do get kidnapped by the shinigami I'm trusting you to break me back out, but yeah that is kind of the whole point of the bracelet, that it blocks off my reiatsu from others so hollows can't find me so easily (and shinigami apparently, yeesh) so hopefully this won't actually be an issue. I don't really want to ask Urahara to train me but I will if I have to I guess. Asking Rukia's a good idea though! I'll ask whenever she next pops up, she seems like she'd be good at that sort of thing, maybe that'll solve this whole situation. Or you know, you, if you happen to come sooner, whoever comes to the human world next I guess! I'd feel better knowing that I myself could do the thing the bracelet's doing. Although I do have a question, how do you do it in your sleep? Or is it not possible and you're just vulnerable a third of the time? That seems unfortunate. Also you're kidding right? Cooking is the primary way my sister shows her care and affection, if she wants to cook for you there's no stopping her so you can at least give us notice so we can get ingredients and stuff.

Best Wishes,

Karin

- - - - -

Dear Karin,

I will let you know what the research team says as soon as it actually comes up. I can see your point, I suppose it is better to plan for the worst and be pleasantly surprised otherwise. Good to see you have your priorities in order, is the bridge finally finished though?

I remember being surprised by the size of your high school, I assume universities are even bigger? Must be an administrative nightmare to keep track of all those students, I feel like I can have a hard enough time with the 226 members I have. Squad 10 was surprisingly popular this year, the only other squads who had numbers like that were the sixth and the eleventh, both of which always have high numbers. We did have 'human world' classes at the academy at one point, but they ended up being scrapped a decade or so ago, any information learned was rendered almost completely obsolete within a few years, meaning the stuff the students learned was more or less useless by the time they were actually getting stationed in the human world. These days we just give a brief information pack about the human world before they leave, currently being updated semi-regularly by Vice-Captain Kuchiki. Meeting with a staff member whose job it is to deal with career pathways certainly sounds like a good idea, I hope it goes well if it hasn't already taken place.

Once again, I certainly hope Soul Society would try such a thing, it would be incredibly stupid considering I don't think your brother, who damn near took on the whole of Soul Society and pretty much came out on top, would ever let you get kidnapped in the first place. And I'm fairly sure me, a captain, breaking out someone Soul Society captured is probably considered treason of some kind, but I can promise I'll be in your corner one way or another. Not to mention, I don't think most shinigami would be prepared for you anyway, most are too used to sword combat, I don't think the average shinigami would handle your hand to hand very well. I'm sure you've got nothing to worry about. As for hiding your reiatsu in your sleep, generally speaking you just practice it enough that it becomes second nature, most shinigami do it subconsciously after a while, including in sleep, although nightmares and the like can interfere a little bit. Your sister has met me what, three times? She feels strongly enough to cook for me? It really is unnecessary although I'm sure the thought is kind. I did say I'd give you notice if I came to the human world though, our sensors are showing an increase in hollow activity in Karakura recently. We're currently just monitoring, we're holding off for now as it might be temporary, but if it gets worse I'm coming to monitor the situation properly and to make sure no incidents happen with the hollow increase. Judging from the current rate, if it keeps going as is I'll probably be there in two weeks or so. With any luck this letter will arrive before I do but if not, I'll make sure to meet up with you somewhere.

Best Wishes,

Toshiro

- - - - -

Dear Toshiro,

Your letter got here super quick, less than a week after I sent mine! Looks like there's increased shinigami activity to match the hollow activity, which boy, you're not kidding that its increased. My reiatsu's jumped up again and I couldn't tell you if it was a response to all the hollows around, or that the hollows arrived because of me. I really hope it's the former. Hopefully you'll be here soon! I think I could do with the training sooner rather than later and if I'm being honest I'd feel safer. But anyway, in response to your letter:

The bridge is actually finished! Just in time for the increased hollows to fuck it up again I'm sure! Most universities are like 10,000 to 30,000 easy, and I think some are bigger than that? So yeah, only two hundred or so shinigami per squad is insane to me. I'm pretty sure the universities have whole administrative teams just for the purpose, does your squad have an admin person at all or is it just you? When I first found out about the shinigami I didn't think I'd sit here wondering about the bureaucracy of it all but here I am. Oh wow I would've loved to sit in one of those human world classes, would've been hilarious I bet. At least you give newly stationed people something, I imagine the culture shock must be a bit much, I'm sure Rukia's information is very accurate given how much time she's spent here. And the careers meeting is actually in two days, I kinda nervous about it to be honest, but hopefully it'll be helpful.

Well I suppose when you put it that way Soul Society kidnapping me would very much be poking the bear huh? I'm extremely saddened to hear that you wouldn't commit treason for me though, what kind of friendship is this??? But I suppose I'll take comfort in you being 'in my corner one way or another', whatever that means. Does it mean in the event of soul society kidnapping me and forcing me to be a shinigami you'd immediately put me in your squad? That's the vibe I'm getting. But that's good to know about the hand to hand combat and the reiatsu withdrawing while still asleep, I'll bear those both in mind. As for your potential visit, given hollows seem to be popping up left right and centre I'm assuming you're probably coming in a week or so, I'll look out for your arrival! I get the impression this letter isn't going to get to you before you arrive in the human world but just in case it does I'll let you know, Yuzu added the dumpling ingredients onto her shopping list. That means you've gotta be at our house for at least one dinner! Consider it repayment for the training I'm gonna demand from you.

Hope you get here safe,

Karin

[poetryofyouth]

I did it, I finally quit psychiatry

(I wrote this for r/antipsychiatry, but I thought I might as well post it here too. don't read if you're easily triggered)

It's been a long journey through hell, but I've had enough. I'm not taking any more shit from incompetent, clueless doctors who think they know me better than I do myself. Who do not listen to me when I beg them to change the medication and instead just give me more of the stuff that is making me worse. I'll finally be free.

I doubt anyone cares, but I'll just tell you my story from the beginning. This is going to be a very long story. Basically, I became depressed at 14 or 15, I'm a 22 year old woman now. The reason was mainly that I couldn't handle the pressure from school. I am a very ambitious, perfectionist but also extremely lazy person. I was constantly beating myself up for not achieving what I wanted to achieve but also unable to fix my behavior. I did also have some slight, not even that serious trauma from a emotionally neglectful childhood and my parents telling me I was a failure every time I would get a grade that wasn't an A. At some point it all became too much and I started self-harming. Then I got worse and worse, self harming occasionally but severely, until I finally attempted suicide at 17.

I was locked into a youth psychiatry institution against my. will. I had my rights, my freedom taken away and was forced to take heavy medications. The very first evening I asked the psychiatrist at the hospital about the side effects of the medications, but he refused to tell me anything and instead just said I should trust his professional judgement. Unfortunately I was too tired and unwell to keep asking so I just accepted not knowing what would happen to me.

They gave me very high doses of Seroquel (Quetiapine), SSRIs and other stuff that I don't even know because they didn't even tell me the names of what they made me take. I just know the names of the medications I was supposed to continue to take after the hospital stay because they were in the papers they gave me. Then after a few days I begged the doctor to take me off the meds because I was so tired I could barely move. I had never felt worse in my life. she refused and instead upped my dose further.

I got worse and worse until I managed to get access to a razor blade I injured myself with on purpose. When my roommate told the nurses what I had done, I was forcefully, against my will restrained onto a bed. Yes, they actually tied me to a bed. And then pushed the bed into a small room where I was alone, and tied to the bed, unable to move. Of course I had a severe panic attack. The room had video surveillance, but it took them quite some time to notice that I was having a panic attack. they finally came and gave me something to breathe into and I calmed down more or less, but they didn't untie me. I later had to pee, and they didn't even untie me for that. I had to pee into a bedpan while tied to the bed, with a nurse watching me. it was incredibly humiliating. I was not untied the entire night. I was restrained until the next morning. When they finally untied me, I had quite seriously injured myself from fighting against the restraints. I had basically torn the skin off my ankles, the scars are faded now but they were visible for many years. It was quite painful. I do consider this incident of being restrained against my will psychiatric abuse, especially because I was restrained for so long. In total probably 10 hours, maybe even more.

Then the hospital didn't really know what to do with myself. I had of course lost any trust I had into the nurses and doctors and shut myself off from them. So they transferred me to a different institution, a more high-security one. Of course I wasn't asked if that was okay, I had to comply. I had began to form relationships with some of the girls, so being taken away from the small support system I had was very stresssful, especially considering how fragile I was at that time.

The other institution wasn't much different, but it was good for me to be taken away from the people who had abused me. I got a tiny bit better. I started to trust the nurses there a little bit. I got along with the other patients and over all liked the hospital better for maby reasons. And then they noticed I was a little better. And then they decided I was well enough to go back to the other hospital. Of course I wasn't asked this time either. But I had made more progress there in two weeks than in the other hospital in a month. I had again started building a little support system. But worst of all, I was forced to go back to the place where I had been abused, and at the time I was still very affected by the experience. I felt incredibly powerless and betrayed, but I didn't have a choice.

Then back at the first hospital I decided I would get better, for no other reason than to finally be able to leave that horrible place.

Then two things were getting severly uncomfortable. I was weighed every week and started noticing significant weight gain. At the same time, I was hungry all the time. painfully hungry, ravenous, even. I basically felt like I was starving all the time but still put on weight. Of course that was because of the high doses of Seroquel, but no one told me. I told nurses, doctors and therapists about the hunger and weight gain, but they simply didn't tell me that was a side effect, they told me an increased appetite was a sign i was getting better. I legit thought I was losing my mind.I have struggled with weight all my life and putting weight on like that made me feel horrible.

Then the doctor decided I was well enough to start taking up school work again. I begged him not to force me to, I told them the pressure of school was the reason I was sick in the first place. Of course no one listened to me. I was forced to do school work even if I knew it wasn't good for me. they didn't care.

Then, after three months of hell, I was finally released. And only because it was Christmas, and my parents refused to leave me there over Christmas. I got a therapist and medication for home.

Then after the Christmas holidays I, against my will, started going to school again. And after about two weeks, my new therapist told me that I had to choose between dropping out of school or going back to the hospital, because school was already making me severely suicidal again. And that was one of the few good things a mental health professional had said to me. I dropped out of school and actually started getting better for real. I sometimes forgot to take my medication, and every time I did, I instanty felt better. I suddenly didn't feel like a tired zombie anymore, I actually had emotions, I felt... alive. So I begged my psychiatrist to let me stop taking medications, and a few months after being released from the hospital, I was free of them.

And everything was great. I got a job, then I volunteered in New Zealand, then, when I was in a more stable place than at 17, I took up school again and graduated with flying colors. I was doing incredibly well.

And then I started university. The first semester went okay, but my mental health quickly started deteriorating. It was the academic pressure again. That's simply something I cannot handle. Soon I started self harming again, and it became more frequent than ever before. I also got into a bad, one might even say toxic, relationship. My girlfriend had issues on her own, but her behavior towards me was often extremely triggering and I very frequently self harmed because of something to do with our relationship. I do not want to blame her for my behavior, but she often made feel worthless, like I was not good enough for her. She would frequently cancel our dates at the last minute, and when she didn't, she would be half an hour late, and when we were together, she didn't make me feel very appreciated either. I was very much in love with her and always blamed myself for everything she did. She once even talked me into having sex with her, when I had said no repeatedly. She did not accept no for an answer and kept pushing until I slept with her to make her shut up. I felt like I didn't have a choice. She didn't force me to, but she simply did not accept my "no". Anyways, it was not her who took the knife to my skin, but she was a big factor in why I did it. I never told her she was a reason for my severe self harm, I didn't want her to feel bad. I didn't hide my wounds fro. her, I mean we did see each other naked and I always had at least four or five big bandages. We just kinda... ignored that.

So then I was getting desperate and decided to get professional help once again. I went to a free psychiatrist from the student councellors and she prescribed me Seroquel once again. I told her I didn't want to take it because it had made me gain a lot of weight and made me very tired. She laughed in my face and told me Seroquel doesn't do that. I don't know if she was just incompetent or lied to me on purpose, because these side effects are experienced by pretty much every single person who takes Seroquel, they are listed in the information leaflet, and I know many people who have taken this medication, all of them had them. During the appointment, she did not even ask me how I was feeling. She prescribed me 200 mg of Seroquel XR. Now, the recommended starting dosage is 50 mg. She prescribed me a starting dosage of four times the recommended amount. Unfortunately, I did not know that back then, I didn't expect a doctor to be that negligent. I took the first 200 mg pill that very evening before going to listen to a debate. Seroquel XR takes a while to kick in, but oh boy did it kick in. I didn't even notice the tiredness that much because I was having severe heart palpitations. My vision was going from normal to black and to normal again all the time. I was dizzy and desoriented and felt my heart was about to jump out of my chest, and sometimes it stopped beating for several seconds. I legit thought I might die in the audience of a debate on ethical farming.

Of course I didn't take the pills the next day and started looking for another psychiatrist. I got an appointment relatively quickly at a private one, it was relatively hopeless to get an appointment with one my insurance would pay, but I thought if she could help me, money wouldn't matter. She prescribed me some stuff that didn't do much harm but also didn't do much good. basically, i was a little tired but that was it. i got a therapist.

About 9 months passed, I had several psychiatrist appointments where I told her the meds didn't do much good, but she never really changed anything. She also insisted that I would get tested for Borderline personality disorder and the psychologist she told me to go to diagnosed me with it. My therapist at the time agreed with me that there was no way in hell that I have BPD, but she also said that when psychiatrists see an adult who self harms, BPD is the only thing that can explain that for them.

Then fall came and a new uni semester started. I had been alright over summer, I had broken up with my girlfriend, but of course with the start of the semester, everything came crashing down.

I lasted a month in university until i impulsively took the whole pack of Seroquel I still had laying around and went to the hospital telling them i was suicidal and also told them what i had done.

Now, I have to say that the nurses in this hospital were absolute angels. They treated my with respect, I almost felt mothered. I was given a lot of activated charcoal and basically had a good night in the hospital. I also got stitches for my freshest self harm injuries, but I had several ones that were too old to be treated that way.

The next morning I was transferred. Can you guess where to? The mental hospital i had been to as a teen. Again, I didn't have a choice.

But overall, the experience at the emergency ward was not as horrible as the first time. I was an adult now and actually treated like a human person. it says a lot about my first experience that I was very surprised by that.

I felt better rather quickly, mostly because the stress factory university was eliminated. The doctor there again insisted that I had BPD even when I said that was ridiculous. They evalued me again and the psychologist came to the conclusion that I had a borderline accentuation, basically borderline borderline.

The emergency ward doctor talked me into treatment at the psychotherapy ward, so I did that for 8 weeks. it was okay, again I was treated way better than as a teen. I was allowed to have an opinion about the medication, I was even allowed to read the little side effect pamphlets. But overall it didn't really do it, I self harmed less but I still self harmed.

During that stay I decided to drop out of university and start an apprenticeship as a baker. I found a company to work for, I loved work, then Corona happened. The company had to shut down. They laid me off after I had only worked there for three weeks. Basically I fell into a hole again, became a depressive husk again.

Then some time passes and a new therapist asked me why I didn't want to go to university anymore, she basically thought i was too intelligent not to. I told her how I could never focus, how I struggled with procrastination, how I couldn't handle the pressure and she recommended that I get assessed for ADHD. Now, I had suspended I had ADHD for years, but I didn't want to bring it up myself. I didn't want to seem like hypochondriac, or an attention whore, and after all, I had told so many people about my struggles and they never suspended ADHD. But I was relieved she brought it up and I had an "excuse" to get assessed. I was professionally diagnosed with ADHD soon after and happily went to my psychiatrist with my brand new diagnosis, I was full of hope that I would finally be "fixed". She basically told me she couldn't help me because she didn't know a lot about adhd. She prescribed me a very low dosage of Strattera (10 mg) and recommend me a specialist. I called the specialist, but they told me they couldn't give me an appointment and I should call in a few months, maybe it would be possible then.

It was july, and over the course of summer I decided I would try university again. Maybe if I was medicated for ADHD, I would actually be able to study. In fall of 2020, I started a brand new program, something very different from what I had done before.

I realized pretty quickly that the Strattera wasn't helping so I found a private ADHD specialist. I was extremely excited for the appointment. Again I thought "I only have to get through these few weeks, then I will finally get proper treatment" I didn't get proper treatment. He prescribed me more Strattera, which didn't help. The next appointment was a month after the first and again, I was excited. I was sure thia time he would fix me. I was sure after that appointment I wouldn't have to suffer anymore. But again, despite me saying I wanted to try something different, and that Strattera was not helping at all, he prescribed more Strattera.

Then university was getting really stressful, I had exams before Christmas, I was frustrated about him not listening to me. I started having suicidal thoughts again, I even relapsed with self harm, it had been months since the last time. But I more or less got through it in a piece, I even passed the exams (surprisingly), and was again looking forward to the next psychiatrist appointment after the Christmas vacation.

Strattera wasn't doing nothing, but it was not doing anything helpful. Basically, it made me feel quite relaxed, chill, less stressed. Which sounds good at first. But in order to get anything done, I rely on negative motivation. Basically, if I'm not panicking over possibly failing an exam, I'm just simply not going to study. So Strattera took the tiny bit of self-discipline and motivation that I had away and replaced it with a "idgaf"-attitude.Of course I told the psychiatrist. But can you guess what he did? Bingo, he upped the Strattera dosage. Again.

Then I had a second appointment with a new therapist, an ADHD specialist for adults. I told her how he did not care what I told him about Strattera and she was extremely upset and said that I can't let myself be treated like that. I needed to call him immediately and yell at him until he does something actually useful. I was baffled. I am not a confrontational person at all and I had never even considered actually arguing with a doctor. Yes I know, it sounds stupid in hindsight, but even after all that I had experienced, I still naively thought the professionals know best.

Okay so I called him. unsuccessful. I texted him. he ignored me. He had ignored my texts telling him that I was actually worse even before that last appointment, even though he told me to contact him with any concerns, and said that he prefered texts best, I thought he was maybe busy or something and didn't think much of it, but then he was ignoring my calls and texts. I was basically ghosted by a s

psychiatrist.

Okay I thought, then I'll simply go to someone else. To my suprise I got an appointment really quickly. I knew this wasn't a good sign, because good psychiatrists, if there even are any, don't have appointments free that soon.

But still, I had hope. And was of course disappointed again. I went to her with a professional ADHD diagnosis, but for her, that wasn't good enough. She had the audacity to tell me I needed another diagnosis from her psychologist friend who, by the way, has his office in a town over an hour away. She refused to treat me at all until I got that second diagnosis. Now,. I went to her out of pure desperation, out of knowing I simply could not go on like this any longer. Because I needed treatment quickly. And she told me she wouldn't give me that. I couldn't keep a few tears from escaping my eyea, she noticed and said very condescendingly "you don't have to cry, that's normal procedure". I tried my best to fight the tears, but as soon as I left her office, I started bawling my eyes out in the middle of town

And then I knew I was done. I had tried and tried again to get help, and I had not gotten it, I had not been listened to. Something in me snapped right in front of that office building.

I went home and threw my medication in the trash. Sure, it's bad to quit cold turkey like that, but honestly I don't care. I'm done. I'm done with psychiatry, I'm done with doctors. I have had the patience of a saint, but enough is enough. That was yesterday. And today I flipped a coin, twice, once for the psychiatrist and once for the new therapist. It told me to quit both of them, so I did.

I'm done with the mental health industrial complex. It has not helped me in all those years. I have only been sedated. Fuck psychiatry, fuck psychiatrists. Maybe I am simply meant to be miserable. I'll probably drop out of uni again, I thought I would be able to do it with treatment, but I did not get treatment, and I simply cannot do it this way. I've already attempted suicide because of academic pressure twice. Maybe I'll just have to live a miserable life working a low-paying job until I'm sad enough to finally actually kill myself. I'll probably always be a wreck, but at least I won't be a sedated wreck any longer. I'll be free, until I will be free for real.

Thank you for reading all this. I know it was a lot, but I needed to get it off my chest. Thank you.

[pink-peony-princess]

Matters of the Heart

"Why?"  I groaned rolling over throwing a pillow across the room at my alarm clock.  It was 5:30 in the morning and I was not in the mood to get up.  Not only was it Friday, which meant it was the end of the week and I was exhausted, but I had a massive English final and to top it all off I was feeling pretty crappy. As I sat up, rubbing at my tired eyes I couldn't help but notice the aching of my limbs, my scratchy throat and my stuffed up nose.

I knew I needed to get up though,so I reluctantly left the warmth of my bed and trudged down stairs,  finding that I was the first one awake.

For a few minutes the house was silent,and I relished it,knowing that by the end of the day I was going to have a pounding headache. It was at that moment when I started mentally kicking myself for fighting with my big brother Shawn when he had suggested getting a flu shot a month earlier. He wasn't happy, and it took a fair but of convincing,but eventually he let it slide. I hated needles, and he knew that.

"You look like you're about to fall over Aimee," Shawn appeared suddenly, laughing when I jumped slightly in fright, coming over to where I was leaning against the counter.

I looked up and smiled half-heartedlly.

"I feel like it!" I groaned.

"Hug?" he asked opening his arms for me to step into. Ever since I could remember we had always shared a hug first thing in the morning.

It was a ritual,  and just because I was now seventeen and a senior in high school didn't mean that I didn't love it.

"Aimmee, you feel warm," he spoke, resting his hand on my forehead as I leant into him "Why don't you stay home today Sweet Pea?" he asked as I waited,  snuggled in his arms for my coffee to finish brewing,sniffling every so often.

"Can't," I sighed,  " I've got a massive test first period for English," I told him before swotting his hand away.

"Well at least make sure you take some Tylenol,  and have plenty of water," He told me, as I grabbed my coffee,  ready to leave the house.

"Shawn,I'm not a baby!" I huffed,rolling my eyes.  I hated it when he went all over protective on me,  especially when it came to my health.  Of course it was just my luck that he and our other three housemates and his best friends,Brian, Dave and Connor were all well respected doctors at the local hospital's Emergency Department.

He hummed in response, clearly not impressed with my answer, but didn't push it. Normally he would've put his foot down and told me point blank I wasn't going. I knew I still had a ways to go though as I still had to get past the others. 

I considered them to be brothers to me, just the same as Shawn, so I was very close with all of them. Consequently they were all extremely protective of me,  something which I hated, as I really wasn't too fond of anything medical. I'd had a couple of bad experiences when I was younger that had put me off hospitals.

"Brian and Dave just left, and Connor's on call," Shawn told me as I grabbed my house keys. "I'll be home tonight. Bri and D will be home by lunch, so call one of them if you need to come home early. " He kissed my head before opening the door for me,  and telling me to 'have a good day'.

Several hours later, and the day was turning out to be worse than expected. I had just come out of second period, and my head was throbbing, my throat aching as the pain killers I had taken earlier had long since left my system.To out it simply I was feeling like the walking dead.

"I love you babe,  but you really are looking a bit rough hon." My best friend Emma spoke as she came to meet me outside the classroom.

"Let's just go sit down, " I begged as the halls started to fill. We walked in silence, not saying much, but as we were making our way through the doors to the lunch room I suddenly became very light- headed.  White spots obscured my vision as I made a grab for the closest object, the side of the door.

"Are you okay Aimee?" Emma asked, coming to a stop behind me.  Do you need me to call Shawn?"  She asked as I tried to keep myself upright.

"He's at work call Brian or Dave please." I managed to get out, between sharp breaths, as she led me to a lunch table. As soon as she had me seated and stable she pulled out my phone from my bag and called. I could hear talking, but was too focused on not passing out, or throwing up to actually pay attention.

"Dave said he's on his way right now," she spoke making me sigh in relief. At least now I knew that if I fainted I would be in the presence of a doctor or doctors given that Brian was home now too.

"We may as well go up to the office, " she suggested taking my bag from me, and giving me a sympathetic smile. We trudged slowly up to the office building, and once I was there the school nurse made her leave, taking me to her office where I lay on the cot in silence, trying to will away the dizzyness that was now causing the room to spin even more. 

I felt like I was on one of those spinny rides they have at amusement parks.

I wasn't really paying attention to the time or my surroundings so it startled me slightly when I heard the nurse's voice and realised that she was no longer in the room with me.

"She's in here. She drifted off about ten minutes ago, the poor darling," she tutted as the door opened. Dave stepped into the room, dressed in scrubs, his ID badge identifying him as a doctor at the hospital still attached to his pocket. Clearly he had just come from work.

"I'm sorry I made you leave early," I apologised,  coughing.

"Aimee, don't be ridiculous, you know the guys and I would drop anything any time you need us honey." I knew it was true. They had lived together since their intern year, and when I moved in I basically gained three other family members.  It wasn't much of an adjustment though as I already saw them as older brothers, so I knew he meant what he was saying.

"So you're not feeling too good ha? " he asked, coming over to the cot, and giving me yet another sympathetic smile.

"You could say that," I laughed at the gross understatement before, letting out a few harsh coughs, making Dave's brow furrow.

He took my hand, and pulled me into a sitting position slowly.

"I feel dizzy," I mumbled, holding his hand more tightly.

" You're okay, it's probably just your Eustachian Tubes. If they get blocked, it messes with your balance, and can make you feel dizzy," he explained calmly as he waited for me to get my bearings. Once I felt normal enough to stand,Dave took my bag,  and led me out to his car, keeping a supportive hand on my lower back the entire time.

"How long have you felt sick?" he asked switching into doctor mode almost immediately as soon as we stepped out of the office. "Aimmee?" he asked again as we got strapped in.  It was only then that I realised I hadn't answered his question.

"Since last night," I admitted,  leaning my head on the window.

"You really should have gotten the flu shot," he spoke a few minutes later.

" D, don't lecture me,  you know I hate needles!" I grumbled, turning to glare at him.

"I'm just saying." He held his hands up in defense.

"Well just don't say!" I snapped back.  "Sorry, " I added when I saw the look of shock. " I get mean when I'm tired."

He smiled, nodding in response, but didn't say anything, instead turning the car on and heading for home. Something which I was greatful for as I wasn't in the mood to talk.

The next thing I was aware of was my door opening slowly and Dave rubbing my arm gently.

"Aimmee, we're home honey," he spoke as I squinted, readjusting to the light. He was patient as I got out of the car, and made my way inside, helping me into the warm house and straight upstairs to my room.

"Take this," he spoke, handing me some decongestant for my cough and some aspirin for my headache. 

I made my way slowly over to the bed once I had taken the given medication, curling up as Brian walked in with a soft smile, still dressed in his scrubs, stethoscope round his neck. "Hi sweetheart, I just want to take your temperature." he told me  coming over to the bed, with a thermometer in hand, sitting beside me.

"I'm going to turn the heating up,  and get a few more blankets," Dave told us before leaving the room.

"Sit up for my Aimee," Brian spoke, pulling the covers back.

"No," I whined, rolling over to try to avoid it.

"Come on Aimee, it'll only take a minute," he promised as Dave returned and came over, helping to roll me over. True to his word it was only a minute later that the machine beeped and I heard them both hum.

"You got yourself a substantial fever hon. I want you to get into a singlet. You can have a thin blanket if you're feeling cold, but the more we reduce the outside heat sources the better."

"You shouldn't be having to look after me," I huffed as I got out of bed in order to remove my excess clothing. "You haven't even removed your stethoscope or the gel from your hair, " I pointed to the way his hair was still spiked back with gel,  knowing that when Brian got home, removing  it was always the first thing he did, kind of like washing the day away.

"How about you let me worry about that hey?" he suggested, before laughing as I nearly fell, trying to remove my school pants, leaving me in just bike shorts and a crop top. Once I was changed he got me situated, propping up pillows to help with my cough.

"Thanks," I mumbled. "Hey where'd Dave go? " I asked noticing for the first time that he wasn't in the room anymore. 

"He had some paper work to catch up on," This wasn't unusual as Dave was the Head of the Emergency Department, with Shawn, Connor and Brian working as his deputys, helping to lead the charge as the hospital is one of the biggest in the country,getting code blacks several times a month.  

"As do I, so get some sleep. Just shout if you need anything, I'll be in the lounge drowning in paper work." He smiled as he pulled the quilt up around me and walked out the door.

I woke to whispers a while later, not knowing where I was, or what time it was for a few moments.  When I felt the gentle touch of a hand on my forehead,  and then my wrist,  I came back to reality.

"She's still too warm," someone whispered.

"Aimmee?" I recognized the voice as Brian. Slowly I managed to open my eyes, squinting, and letting out a small moan at the instant headache the newfound light was giving me.

"How you feeling hon?" he asked, sitting on the bed, and rubbing my arms gently. He had changed into sweat pants and an old teeshirt since the last time I was awake, his hair now flopping over the right side of his face.

"Cold, sore, tired...," I listed off, trying to fight the urge to cough again. I just wanted to roll over and curl back up.

"How 'bout you come down stairs and have something light to eat, get some fluids into you,  and I'll heat up a hot water bottle for you?" he suggested, standing up from the bed.

I really didn't want to, but I knew I really didn't have a choice, and that no matter what I said, he would make me.

"Fine," I sighed, slowly sitting up, and following him and Dave at a snail's pace down the stairs.

"Why'd you go to school?" he asked as I got settled on the couch.

"Had a test I couldn't miss," I answered between another set of bone rattling coughs.

"That doesn't sound good." He folded his arms and eyed me carefully.

"Yeah well, it doesn't feel too good either."

"Will you let one of us listen to your chest?" he asked, probably already knowing the answer.

I shook my head. He left it at that, and went to get some food for me, also heating up the hot water bottle as promised. When he returned he made me eat a piece of toast and have some honey lemon tea to help soothe my sore throat, before finally letting me go back to sleep. That was where I was when my brother stepped into the house, I don't know how many hours later.

"How are you feeling?" Shawn came to sit on the couch with me, still dressed in his scrubs.

"Pretty crappy." I sniffed leaning into his side, and relishing the warmth.

" Brian,when was the last time she had medicine?"  he asked, pressing his palm to my to head.

Brian poked his head into the room from the kitchen. Probably having been preparing dinner, as they all took turns usually.

"About five."

"So about an hour ago," Dave surmised, coming over to sit on the other side of me,and looking at his watch.

"You're still feeling warm Princess, I'm going to go get some wet washers. You're having the flu shot next year Princess." he called as he left the room.

"But Shawn!" I whined, he knew how much I hated needles.

No,we are not having a repeat of this. Wouldn't you rather avoid this if you can?"

"You don't even know it's what it is. How long does it last though?"

" Seven to ten days, give or take. That's if it is the flu though," he qualified from the other room.

"I am sick of feeling sick," I grumbled as I chucked yet another batch of tissues into the bin that Brian had left beside the couch for me.

"Well maybe you'll think about that next time I say it's time to get your flu shot," he sassed, coming back into the room with several cold washers. I couldn't help but roll my eyes, he always had to be right!

"I saw that!" Dave laughed, poking my side and winking.

"Saw what?" Shawn asked, looking between the two of us.

"Nothing," I answered with a smile, trying to convey my innocence. " But seriously Shawnie, I know being a doctor is practically in your DNA,  but could like not use this moment to do a 'I told you so. '," I huffed, throwing my weight to the back of the couch again.

He and Dave just laughed, before they worked together, placing the clothes around my body- under my arms, on my forehead, even my feet.

"You know if you let one of us take a look at you,  then we might actually be able to help you," Connor spoke from the door, arms crossed,  it was the first time I'd seen him all day. He looked tired, but somehow there was still a teasing glint in his eyes.

"No," I answered immediately, shivering at the thought.

He sighed coming to sit on the edge of the couch.

"We're not going to do anything to hurt you honey,  but you've been sick for over 24 hours now, and nothing is changing."

"Not all doctors are nasty, cold people like your previous one," Shawn added with a gentle smile,  reaching to take my hand in his. "Besides, I'm your brother and I wouldn't let anyone hurt you, we all took an oath not to do harm."

At least let us check your temperature again and eat something."

I looked down ringing my fingers before looking back at them all.

"Okay, but can we watch a movie after?"

...

It was now several hours later,and the movie (Monsters, INC.) had finished, and we were all in bed, but I lay awake tossing and turning, unable to find a comfortable spot. I could feel that my fever had gotten worse, I was sweating, but freezing, I had aches and pains, and my whole body felt like lead. On top of that I now had a weird stabbing pain in my chest that was getting worse, and it was freaking me out. At first I thought it was just from all the coughing, but when it wasnt getting better after a solid half an hour of trying to ignore it, I knew something was wrong.

I got up slowly, and made my way down the hall to my brother's room, opening the door, seeing him splayed out on the bed, shirtless and snoring.

"Shawn?" I whispered, hoping to wake him, but it didn't do anything.  "Shawn?" I tried again, this time shaking his arm a little bit, still nothing. Finally I was about to give up when I heard a voice from outside.

"Aimee?" Connor asked, stepping into the doorway, his face illuminated by moonlight flooding through the window.

"Con," I sighed relieved.

"What's wrong? " he asked as I came to stand next to him, him pulling me into a hug.

"My heart hurts," I hicupped into his chest.  "My heart hurts," I repeated.

"Okay,calm down," he soothed, rubbing my back, and starting to lead me back downstairs, but not before shaking Shawn awake, and telling him to wake the others, all of which came into the lounge room minutes later, rubbing tiredly at their eyes.

"Now what sort of pain is it?" Connor asked,sitting next to me, and taking my pulse, as the others watched.

"It feels like I'm being stabbed here, " I told him holding my hand over my chest. Their brows furrowed.

"Does it hurt more when you're lying down or sitting? " Dave asked, coming over to me.

"Standing and lying down," I answered.

"How long has it been hurting?" Brian asked, feeling my forehead once again for the fever. "Her fever has spiked," he muttered, "Right I need to listen to your chest for a minute Poppet," Dave spoke standing and running to his room.

We sat quietly as we waited for Dave, me trying to get a hold of my emotions, as Connor sat beside me, rubbing calming circles on my back.

"I  don't like this," I mumbled leaning into Shawn's side so that my face was in his neck, my voice muffled.

"You're doing great though Princess."

"But what if it's something bad?" I whispered, looking up at my brother.

"Aimee, I can't promise you anything right now, but I do know that you have four people here with you that are going to look after you. Right now, your only job is to let us do our jobs okay?" he smiled pulling me into him more tightly.

"You alright Princess?" Dave asked kneeling down beside the couch.

"No," I whispered the tears coming back as he went to place the stethoscope to my chest.

He sighed before dropping his arms and looking at me. "What are you scared of Sweetheart?" He didn't look angry, merely concerned so I told the truth.

"I don't like hospitals, or doctors," I admitted feeling stupid.

"Look Princess, I know you haven't had the best experiences with them in the past, but right now we really need to figure out what's going on. Try to remember that it's just me okay, just D, one of you're annoying big brothers. Don't think of it negatively, just think of it as we're trying to make you feel better," he suggested.

"Can you explain everything?" I asked, my voice breaking a bit.

"Of course,everything will be at your pace, okay?"

I nodded, showing him that I understood. " Is it okay, if I lift this up, so I can listen to your heart and lungs?" he asked tugging at my sweater lightly. I nodded again, holding Shawn's hand just a little bit more tightly.

"Just think, you're really quite lucky, it's not everyday that you get the Head of the Emergency Department doing a personal consult for you," Shawn said.

"That is true." I smiled despite everything.

"I know I'm the best," Dave laughed, as he stood up to listen to my lungs.  "Deep breath in for me." I did as asked, waiting impatiently for it all to be over.

"There's definitely some crackling, especially on the left side of the lungs, and I'd like to double check, but it sounds to me like there's some inflammation around the heart," he spoke, allowing me to lean back.

"What, what does that mean? " I asked, my heart rate spiking again.

"If I'm right it means that the virus has effected the layers of your heart. Basically the tissue has gotten inflammed and is rubbing together. That's what is causing the pain."

"Is it dangerous?" I panicked feeling the blood drop from my face.

Connor looked at me before answering carefully. "It can be, but chances are that it's viral Pericarditis,  so it should resolve within a few days with minimal intervention." he explained gently.

"Per, whaty-what?" I asked, feeling more confused than ever.

"Pericarditis,  it's the medical name, " Brian explained, all of them them laughing at my sheer confusion.

"So what now?"

"Well as Dave said we need to check- get some x- rays to confirm, and while we're there we'll investigate everything else that's going on.  It's almost certain you've got the flu, and that's what has caused it, so we   need to get that sorted for everything else to get better," Shawn explained.

I groaned, letting my head drop into his lap,  unfortunately this created the urge to cough, and with every cough that I let out, the burning,  stabbing pain only intensified.

"We really need to get you to the hospital," Shawn urged seeing my discomfort, before bending down and picking me up, cradling me in his arms.

The other dashing upstairs to get into clothes other than pyjamas, and grab their badges. None of them seemed to care that they weren't in scrubs, and when I asked Shawn if it mattered he responded with "As long as we have our badges with us,  it's okay. It's not mandatory to wear uniforms."

Once they were ready, they bundled me up in blankets, Shawn insisting that they protect me from the cold winter air, even for the short walk from the house to the car. I tried to be helpful, and support some of my weight as Shawn carried me to the vehicle, but I just didn't have any energy,  and every time I moved, it hurt. Eventually I gave up, having tried to shuffle into my seat, twisting the wrong way and sending a shot of pain straight through my chest.

"Just let us do the work," Dave stopped me as I tried again,holding my arms, and bringing me to a holt, and so from that point on I was something of a jelly fish. Except for the shaking, I could barely stay still the whole drive, my legs trembling of their own accord, no matter how hard I tried to stop them.

"You'll be alright, " Connor commented,  giving me a much needed hug as he helped me out of the car 20 minutes later.

By now I was feeling straight up petrified, and the worst part about it was, all four of the guys knew it. And there was absolutely nothing I could do.

"Come on," Shawn whispered, leading me slowly towards the hospital entrance.

Inside, they led me straight past the admissions desk, briefly filling one of the nurses in as we made our way into the room, Shawn helping me gently onto the single bed.

"Not anyone I don't know," I begged, holding onto Shawn, as the others moved around the room,  collecting things and setting up equipment. I tried not to pay attention as I could already feel the anxious knots forming.

"You know we're not meant to be treating you Princess, at least not here, we're family," he responded, kissing my hand, while grabbing a gown from a draw and passing it to me, turning around so I could get changed,the others not paying attention.

"Actually Shawn," Dave spoke once I was dressed in the hideous cloth, "The pit is in overdrive, I had five new admissions just in the last half hour of my shift, and the other doctors are overloaded, I really don't think anyone will mind, and if they do they can take it up with me as the Head of the Department. She needs to be seen to, especially if our suspicions are right, " Dave interrupted, patting my arm gently.

"Aimee?" Brian called, getting my attention. "We'll take this really slowly hon, but we need to hook you up to a couple of things, okay?" I nodded, managing a smile as they went about starting to attach everything.  A blood pressure and heart rate monitor, which I knew, a mask,  which Shawn was quick to explain that I needed as I tried to remove it. "Leave it there baby, you could really do with the extra oxygen at the moment. You're heart is racing, and your blood pressure is also a little higher than it should be. Heart rate 120, BP 130/90," he called to the others as he watched the monitors that were now displaying my vitals. 

"That's a little higher than it should be Aimee, just try to relax, I know it's scary, and I know that all the lights, and the noises won't be helping,  but I promise you, you're in the best place right now, " Connor promised, coming over, and warming his stethoscope up in his hands before placing it against my chest.

The machines attached to me started beeping, as my heart rate picked up again, only making me feel more anxious and agitated.The guys seemed unfazed though, Brian quickly shutting them off with no trouble. " It's just an alert to tell us that you're vitals are higher than they should be," he explained when he noticed me watching his every move.

"Aimee?" Connor called, resting his hand under my chin, and turning my head gently so that my focus was on him again. "Ignore all that sweetheart,the guys will sort that out okay, all I need you to do is focus on Luke and I okay?" he smiled when I nodded, before helping me to sit up. "Breathe in for me Aimee, and out, and again," he spoke as I took shaky breathes, holding Shawn's hand in a death grip.

"There's definitely some wheezing there.  I'd like to get a chest x-ray, and start you on fluids," he told me as he moved the stethoscope away, and allowed me to lay back again. "I'll order the x- ray now, you should be able to have it done in the next half an hour," he added as he went to the computer in the corner of the room, and pressed a few buttons.  "Done, they'll page us when they're ready for you," he smiled.

"Right, is it okay if I have your left hand Princess?" Dave asked stepping up to the side of the bed. I only realised what he was dining when I  saw the tray that he had placed down next to my side.

"No," I cried, panicked, realising that it was a needle, and other equipment, necessary for an I.V. "Can't you just give me something to make me better?" I asked desperately wanting to avoid an needles at all costs.

He sighed, taking in my stressed appearance." Three days ago an anti- viral may have worked, but somebody decided to be a difficult patient," Shawn looked at me pointedly as we all laughed."but now," he continued "not so much. Even with the anti-viral your body would have struggled.  So now that the virus has taken hold your body really needs the extra help. Fluids included, " he explained, as Dave picked up the wipe from the metal bowl, wiping my hand down. I couldn't help the shudder that ran through my body, I had always hated the smell of hospital disinfect, and the sterilization wipes were no better.

"Sorry, he murdered as he finished, and chucked the wipe into the bin next to the bed. " Ready?" he asked, looking to me as he positioned my hand and opened the packet housing the needle.

" Do I really have to?" I asked, looking up at my brother, hoping he would help me out. Instead, he rubbed my back before agreeing with Dave.

"Sweetheart, you're in pain baby, this will help with it okay. It'll give you some relief,listen to me. Take a breath, listen to my voice.  'll sit up here and hold you. It'll be over in a second and then that's the worst over. Okay. Dave's a pro," he insisted,  gesturing for me to move over so he could hop up onto the bed. He smiled encouraging allowing me to snuggle in.

"Don't cry Princess, " Dave murmured,wiping softly at my face with a tissue to dry the tears that were now falling. "On three, " he warned, causing me to bury my head in Shawn's neck. "One, two, three," I felt the pinch, of it breaking my skin, but it was nowhere near what I had been expecting, and I found myself looking up in surprise.

"Not so bad right," Shawn laughed.

"The expectations are always worse than the reality," Dave added, as he attached the tubing,  and removed the tray from the bed. "You're all set little one, " he told me as he finished hookingme up to the fluids, and pain relief, before kissing my head.

For the next half an hour we sat in relative silence,  all exhausted given that it was still so early. Finally Connor got the call to say that they were ready for me at radiology, Dave offered to take me so the others could get food, and Shawn could sort my admission papers. At first I wasn't too happy at the idea, but when Dave promised that he wouldn't leave my side I relaxed, and let him transfer me to a wheel chair, leading me down the maze of corridors.

"D," I asked as we came to a stop outside a lift.

"Yes? " he asked, bending down so that he could hear me more easily.

"Why do Cheetahs have spots?"

He didn't answer me for a minute, but then he started laughing, "Oh my goodness, I think the pain relief is starting to take effect."

" I feel fine now." I shrugged as the doors opened and he wheeled me in, still chuckling.

"I bet you do Princess, I bet you do."

The x- rays were quick and easy, only taking about ten minutes, after which Dave took me straight back up to the room.

"Someone's pain meds have taken affect!" he announced as he stopped just inside the door, and helped me to my bed.

Brian looked up from where he was sitting on the small chair in the corner doing paperwork and smiled. " I can see that, her eyes are huge, how much did you give her?" he laughed, standing up,  and coming over to the side of the bed.

"What do you mean? " I asked as Brian pulled a light from his pocket.

"You're pupils, they're extremely dilated. "

"What are you doing?" Shawn asked as he and Connor walked in.

"She's high on pain meds," Dave explained with a chuckle. "We may as well do the exam now, while you're not in too much discomfort."

"Okay," Weirdly I didn't feel as nervous as I did before.

"Wow, those meds got you good baby, this is the most relaxed you've been in a medical setting,  ever!" Shawn laughed taking my hand as he stopped next to me. " I didn't know pain meds effected you like this."

"Alright " Dave tapped my leg bringing my attention back.  "I just want to check your heart and lungs first little lady, can you lean forward?" I nodded allowing him to do what he had to do. 

"There is some slight wheezing,  but other than that and the inflammation everything sounds perfect. " he smiled. "Your heart rate has come down too," he noted looking to the monitor.  "That's good! So what else besides your fever, and the chest pain are you feeling?"

"What?"

"What other symptoms do you have? " Connor clarified, standing next to Dave.

"Cough, runny nose, sore throat, chills, head aches, fatigue." I listed, laughing slightly when the guys mouths dropped a bit in shock.

"Why didn't you just let us help you?" Shawn asked, clearly exasperated.

I shrugged, "I don't know, I guess, I'd rather just deal with it on my own. Or that's what I did think until it started hurting," I whined,  "It feels like someone's stabbing me!"

"Let me have a look at your ears, nose and throat okay Princess," Dave spoke, ignoring the last bit of what I said. I was glad though because I just wanted to feel better. And the sooner he figured out what was wrong, the sooner he could make that happen.

"Well it's official Princess, you've got yourself a nasty case of the flu," he announced with what I thought was a rather unnecessary smile as he finished looking at my throat. "It's one of the worst ones I've seen in a while, I don't know how you're breathing through your nose, at all, or eating for that matter. Your throat is red."

"Yeah well, I'm not feeling that great right now,  trust me," I grumbled. "I just wish my chest would stop hurting.  "It stopped, and then it started again. "

"Radiology just sent through your scans, it's definitely pericarditis," Brian replied from the corner, causing me to groan.

"This sucks!" I whined, flopping back against the bed, "and it hurts."

"I know baby," Shawn spoke, clearly sympathetic.

"I'll put some more pain meds in your I.V okay,  it should help,  mbut really all we can do is relieve the pain, and keep you on bed rest until the virus runs it's course," he spoke gently as he readjusted the blankets for me, and put some more stuff in my I.V. "That should take too long to work. "

"Hop back in with me, I'm cold," I whined, pulling his arm so that he moved closer to the bed. I felt like all I was doing was whining,  but I just felt crappy.

"That'll be the fever, " Brian nodded. "You've had stuff for it though, so we just need to let it do it's thing. Provided it doesn't get too high, it actually helps your body get rid of the virus. "

"The beds barely big enough for one," Shawn laughed, still focused on me.

"I don't care," I whined continuing to pull at his arm.

"Fine,"  he sighed, hoping in next to me, and allowing me to curl up once more.

"So what have you learned from this whole thing?"  Shawn asked smirking from beside me as I struggled to keep my eyes open half an hour later.

I glared at him, causing all of them to laugh, "Go on, what have you learned?" he asked tickling my side.

" I don't know if I can say it, it hurts too much," I laughed, going along with the joke. He pouted.

"Hey no fair!" I argued, he knew that I couldn't resist it when he pouted, it had been that way since we were kids. "Fine, I should have listened to you, cause you know best," I grumbled, holding my chest as if I was wounded.

"Was that really so hard?" Connor laughed watching from where he was packing up excess wiring,  placing them back into their relevant draws.

"Yes, it was incredibly painful," I sassed back.

"Truth hurts princess!" Shawn laughed, pulling me into a hug.

"That it does," I agreed, resting my head on his shoulder again  and closing my eyes. Never again would I be so stubborn. But there was no need for them to know that, not yet anyway.

[pinkpeonyprincessblog]

Matters of the Heart

"Why?"  I groaned rolling over throwing a pillow across the room at my alarm clock.  It was 5:30 in the morning and I was not in the mood to get up.  Not only was it Friday,which meant it was the end of the week and I was exhausted, but I had a massive English final and to top it all off I was feeling pretty crappy. As I sat up, rubbing at my tired eyes I couldn't help but notice the aching of my limbs,my scratchy throat and my stuffed up nose.

I knew I needed to get up though,so I reluctantly left the warmth of my bed and trudged down stairs,  finding that I was the first one awake.

For a few minutes the house was silent,and I relished it,knowing that by the end of the day I was going to have a pounding headache. It was at that moment when I started mentally kicking myself for fighting with my big brother Shawn when he had suggested getting a flu shot a month earlier. He wasn't happy, and it took a fair but of convincing,but eventually he let it slide. I hated needles, and he knew that.

"You look like you're about to fall over Aimee," Shawn appeared suddenly, laughing when I jumped slightly in fright, coming over to where I was leaning against the counter.

I looked up and smiled half-heartedlly.

"I feel like it!" I groaned.

"Hug?" he asked opening his arms for me to step into. Ever since I could remember we had always shared a hug first thing in the morning.

It was a ritual,  and just because I was now seventeen and a senior in high school didn't mean that I didn't love it.

"Aimmee, you feel warm," he spoke, resting his hand on my forehead as I leant into him "Why don't you stay home today Sweet Pea?" he asked as I waited,  snuggled in his arms for my coffee to finish brewing,sniffling every so often.

"Can't," I sighed,  " I've got a massive test first period for English," I told him before swotting his hand away.

"Well at least make sure you take some Tylenol,  and have plenty of water," He told me, as I grabbed my coffee,  ready to leave the house.

"Shawn,I'm not a baby!" I huffed,rolling my eyes.  I hated it when he went all over protective on me,  especially when it came to my health.  Of course it was just my luck that he and our other three housemates and his best friends,Brian, Dave and Connor were all well respected doctors at the local hospital's Emergency Department.

He hummed in response, clearly not impressed with my answer, but didn't push it. Normally he would've put his foot down and told me point blank I wasn't going. I knew I still had a ways to go though as I still had to get past the others. 

I considered them to be brothers to me, just the same as Shawn, so I was very close with all of them. Consequently they were all extremely protective of me,  something which I hated, as I really wasn't too fond of anything medical. I'd had a couple of bad experiences when I was younger that had put me off hospitals.

" Brian and Dave, just left, and Connor's on call," Shawn told me as I grabbed my house keys. "I'll be home tonight. Bri and D will be home by lunch, so call one of them if you need to come home early. " He kissed my head before opening the door for me,  and telling me to 'have a good day'.

Several hours later, and the day was turning out to be worse than expected. I had just come out of second period, and my head was throbbing, my throat aching as the pain killers I had taken earlier had long since left my system.To out it simply I was feeling like the walking dead.

"I love you babe,  but you really are looking a bit rough hon." My best friend Emma spoke as she came to meet me outside the classroom.

"Let's just go sit down, " I begged as the halls started to fill. We walked in silence, not saying much, but as we were making our way through the doors to the lunch room I suddenly became very light- headed.  White spots obscured my vision as I made a grab for the closest object, the side of the door.

"Are you okay Aimee?" Emma asked, coming to a stop behind me.  Do you need me to call Shawn?"  She asked as I tried to keep myself upright.

"He's at work call Brian or Dave please." I managed to get out, between sharp breaths, as she led me to a lunch table. As soon as she had me seated and stable she pulled out my phone from my bag and called. I could hear talking, but was too focused on not passing out, or throwing up to actually pay attention.

"Dave said he's on his way right now," she spoke making me sigh in relief. At least now I knew that if I fainted I would be in the presence of a doctor or doctors given that Brian was home now too.

"We may as well go up to the office, " she suggested taking my bag from me, and giving me a sympathetic smile. We trudged slowly up to the office building, and once I was there the school nurse made her leave, taking me to her office where I lay on the cot in silence, trying to will away the dizzyness that was now causing the room to spin even more. 

I felt like I was on one of those spinny rides they have at amusement parks.

I wasn't really paying attention to the time or my surroundings so it startled me slightly when I heard the nurse's voice and realised that she was no longer in the room with me.

"She's in here. She drifted off about ten minutes ago, the poor darling," she tutted as the door opened. Dave stepped into the room, dressed in scrubs, his ID badge identifying him as a doctor at the hospital still attached to his pocket. Clearly he had just come from work.

"I'm sorry I made you leave early," I apologised,  coughing.

"Aimee, don't be ridiculous, you know the guys and I would drop anything any time you need us honey." I knew it was true. They had lived together since their intern year, and when I moved in I basically gained three other family members.  It wasn't much of an adjustment though as I already saw them as older brothers, so I knew he meant what he was saying.

"So you're not feeling too good ha? " he asked, coming over to the cot, and giving me yet another sympathetic smile.

"You could say that," I laughed at the gross understatement before, letting out a few harsh coughs, making Dave's brow furrow.

He took my hand, and pulled me into a sitting position slowly.

"I feel dizzy," I mumbled, holding his hand more tightly.

" You're okay, it's probably just your Eustachian Tubes. If they get blocked, it messes with your balance, and can make you feel dizzy," he explained calmly as he waited for me to get my bearings. Once I felt normal enough to stand,Dave took my bag,  and led me out to his car, keeping a supportive hand on my lower back the entire time.

"How long have you felt sick?" he asked switching into doctor mode almost immediately as soon as we stepped out of the office. "Aimmee?" he asked again as we got strapped in.  It was only then that I realised I hadn't answered his question.

"Since last night," I admitted,  leaning my head on the window.

"You really should have gotten the flu shot," he spoke a few minutes later.

" D, don't lecture me,  you know I hate needles!" I grumbled, turning to glare at him.

"I'm just saying." He held his hands up in defense.

"Well just don't say!" I snapped back.  "Sorry, " I added when I saw the look of shock. " I get mean when I'm tired."

He smiled, nodding in response, but didn't say anything, instead turning the car on and heading for home. Something which I was greatful for as I wasn't in the mood to talk.

The next thing I was aware of was my door opening slowly and Dave rubbing my arm gently.

"Aimmee, we're home honey," he spoke as I squinted, readjusting to the light. He was patient as I got out of the car, and made my way inside, helping me into the warm house and straight upstairs to my room.

"Take this," he spoke, handing me some decongestant for my cough and some aspirin for my headache. 

I made my way slowly over to the bed once I had taken the given medication, curling up as Brian walked in with a soft smile, still dressed in his scrubs, stethoscope round his neck. "Hi sweetheart, I just want to take your temperature." he told me  coming over to the bed, with a thermometer in hand, sitting beside me.

"I'm going to turn the heating up,  and get a few more blankets," Dave told us before leaving the room.

"Sit up for my Aimee," Brian spoke, pulling the covers back.

"No," I whined, rolling over to try to avoid it.

"Come on Aimee, it'll only take a minute," he promised as Dave returned and came over, helping to roll me over. True to his word it was only a minute later that the machine beeped and I heard them both hum.

"You got yourself a substantial fever hon. I want you to get into a singlet. You can have a thin blanket if you're feeling cold, but the more we reduce the outside heat sources the better."

"You shouldn't be having to look after me," I huffed as I got out of bed in order to remove my excess clothing. "You haven't even removed your stethoscope or the gel from your hair, " I pointed to the way his hair was still spiked back with gel,  knowing that when Brian got home, removing  it was always the first thing he did, kind of like washing the day away.

"How about you let me worry about that hey?" he suggested, before laughing as I nearly fell, trying to remove my school pants, leaving me in just bike shorts and a crop top. Once I was changed he got me situated, propping up pillows to help with my cough.

"Thanks," I mumbled. "Hey where'd Dave go? " I asked noticing for the first time that he wasn't in the room anymore. 

"He had some paper work to catch up on," This wasn't unusual as Dave was the Head of the Emergency Department, with Shawn, Connor and Brian working as his deputys, helping to lead the charge as the hospital is one of the biggest in the country,getting code blacks several times a month.  

"As do I, so get some sleep. Just shout if you need anything, I'll be in the lounge drowning in paper work." He smiled as he pulled the quilt up around me and walked out the door.

I woke to whispers a while later, not knowing where I was, or what time it was for a few moments.  When I felt the gentle touch of a hand on my forehead,  and then my wrist,  I came back to reality.

"She's still too warm," someone whispered.

"Aimmee?" I recognized the voice as Brian. Slowly I managed to open my eyes, squinting, and letting out a small moan at the instant headache the newfound light was giving me.

"How you feeling hon?" he asked, sitting on the bed, and rubbing my arms gently. He had changed into sweat pants and an old teeshirt since the last time I was awake, his hair now flopping over the right side of his face.

"Cold, sore, tired...," I listed off, trying to fight the urge to cough again. I just wanted to roll over and curl back up.

"How 'bout you come down stairs and have something light to eat, get some fluids into you,  and I'll heat up a hot water bottle for you?" he suggested, standing up from the bed.

I really didn't want to, but I knew I really didn't have a choice, and that no matter what I said, he would make me.

"Fine," I sighed, slowly sitting up, and following him and Dave at a snail's pace down the stairs.

"Why'd you go to school?" he asked as I got settled on the couch.

"Had a test I couldn't miss," I answered between another set of bone rattling coughs.

"That doesn't sound good." He folded his arms and eyed me carefully.

"Yeah well, it doesn't feel too good either."

"Will you let one of us listen to your chest?" he asked, probably already knowing the answer.

I shook my head. He left it at that, and went to get some food for me, also heating up the hot water bottle as promised. When he returned he made me eat a piece of toast and have some honey lemon tea to help soothe my sore throat, before finally letting me go back to sleep. That was where I was when my brother stepped into the house, I don't know how many hours later.

"How are you feeling?" Shawn came to sit on the couch with me, still dressed in his scrubs.

"Pretty crappy." I sniffed leaning into his side, and relishing the warmth.

" Brian,when was the last time she had medicine?"  he asked, pressing his palm to my to head.

Brian poked his head into the room from the kitchen. Probably having been preparing dinner, as they all took turns usually.

"About five."

"So about an hour ago," Dave surmised, coming over to sit on the other side of me,and looking at his watch.

"You're still feeling warm Princess, I'm going to go get some wet washers. You're having the flu shot next year Princess." he called as he left the room.

"But Shawn!" I whined, he knew how much I hated needles.

No,we are not having a repeat of this. Wouldn't you rather avoid this if you can?"

"You don't even know it's what it is. How long does it last though?"

" Seven to ten days, give or take. That's if it is the flu though," he qualified from the other room.

"I am sick of feeling sick," I grumbled as I chucked yet another batch of tissues into the bin that Brian had left beside the couch for me.

"Well maybe you'll think about that next time I say it's time to get your flu shot," he sassed, coming back into the room with several cold washers. I couldn't help but roll my eyes, he always had to be right!

"I saw that!" Dave laughed, poking my side and winking.

"Saw what?" Shawn asked, looking between the two of us.

"Nothing," I answered with a smile, trying to convey my innocence. " But seriously Shawnie, I know being a doctor is practically in your DNA,  but could like not use this moment to do a 'I told you so. '," I huffed, throwing my weight to the back of the couch again.

He and Dave just laughed, before they worked together, placing the clothes around my body- under my arms, on my forehead, even my feet.

"You know if you let one of us take a look at you,  then we might actually be able to help you," Connor spoke from the door, arms crossed,  it was the first time I'd seen him all day. He looked tired, but somehow there was still a teasing glint in his eyes.

"No," I answered immediately, shivering at the thought.

He sighed coming to sit on the edge of the couch.

"We're not going to do anything to hurt you honey,  but you've been sick for over 24 hours now, and nothing is changing."

"Not all doctors are nasty, cold people like your previous one," Shawn added with a gentle smile,  reaching to take my hand in his. "Besides, I'm your brother and I wouldn't let anyone hurt you, we all took an oath not to do harm."

At least let us check your temperature again and eat something."

I looked down ringing my fingers before looking back at them all.

"Okay, but can we watch a movie after?"

...

It was now several hours later,and the movie (Monsters, INC.) had finished, and we were all in bed, but I lay awake tossing and turning, unable to find a comfortable spot. I could feel that my fever had gotten worse, I was sweating, but freezing, I had aches and pains, and my whole body felt like lead. On top of that I now had a weird stabbing pain in my chest that was getting worse, and it was freaking me out. At first I thought it was just from all the coughing, but when it wasnt getting better after a solid half an hour of trying to ignore it, I knew something was wrong.

I got up slowly, and made my way down the hall to my brother's room, opening the door, seeing him splayed out on the bed, shirtless and snoring.

"Shawn?" I whispered, hoping to wake him, but it didn't do anything.  "Shawn?" I tried again, this time shaking his arm a little bit, still nothing. Finally I was about to give up when I heard a voice from outside.

"Aimee?" Connor asked, stepping into the doorway, his face illuminated by moonlight flooding through the window.

"Con," I sighed relieved.

"What's wrong? " he asked as I came to stand next to him, him pulling me into a hug.

"My heart hurts," I hicupped into his chest.  "My heart hurts," I repeated.

"Okay,calm down," he soothed, rubbing my back, and starting to lead me back downstairs, but not before shaking Shawn awake, and telling him to wake the others, all of which came into the lounge room minutes later, rubbing tiredly at their eyes.

"Now what sort of pain is it?" Connor asked,sitting next to me, and taking my pulse, as the others watched.

"It feels like I'm being stabbed here, " I told him holding my hand over my chest. Their brows furrowed.

"Does it hurt more when you're lying down or sitting? " Dave asked, coming over to me.

"Standing and lying down," I answered.

"How long has it been hurting?" Brian asked, feeling my forehead once again for the fever. "Her fever has spiked," he muttered, "Right I need to listen to your chest for a minute Poppet," Dave spoke standing and running to his room.

We sat quietly as we waited for Dave, me trying to get a hold of my emotions, as Connor sat beside me, rubbing calming circles on my back.

"I  don't like this," I mumbled leaning into Shawn's side so that my face was in his neck, my voice muffled.

"You're doing great though Princess."

"But what if it's something bad?" I whispered, looking up at my brother.

"Aimee, I can't promise you anything right now, but I do know that you have four people here with you that are going to look after you. Right now, your only job is to let us do our jobs okay?" he smiled pulling me into him more tightly.

"You alright Princess?" Dave asked kneeling down beside the couch.

"No," I whispered the tears coming back as he went to place the stethoscope to my chest.

He sighed before dropping his arms and looking at me. "What are you scared of Sweetheart?" He didn't look angry, merely concerned so I told the truth.

"I don't like hospitals, or doctors," I admitted feeling stupid.

"Look Princess, I know you haven't had the best experiences with them in the past, but right now we really need to figure out what's going on.Try to remember that it's just me okay, just D, one of you're annoying big brothers. Don't think of it negatively, just think of it as we're trying to make you feel better," he suggested.

"Can you explain everything?" I asked, my voice breaking a bit.

"Of course,everything will be at your pace, okay?"

I nodded, showing him that I understood. " Is it okay, if I lift this up, so I can listen to your heart and lungs?" he asked tugging at my sweater lightly. I nodded again, holding Shawn's hand just a little bit more tightly.

"Just think, you're really quite lucky, it's not everyday that you get the Head of the Emergency Department doing a personal consult for you," Shawn said.

"That is true." I smiled despite everything.

"I know I'm the best," Dave laughed, as he stood up to listen to my lungs.  "Deep breath in for me." I did as asked, waiting impatiently for it all to be over.

"There's definitely some crackling, especially on the left side of the lungs, and I'd like to double check, but it sounds to me like there's some inflammation around the heart," he spoke, allowing me to lean back.

"What, what does that mean? " I asked, my heart rate spiking again.

"If I'm right it means that the virus has effected the layers of your heart. Basically the tissue has gotten inflammed and is rubbing together. That's what is causing the pain."

"Is it dangerous?" I panicked feeling the blood drop from my face.

Connor looked at me before answering carefully. "It can be, but chances are that it's viral Pericarditis,  so it should resolve within a few days with minimal intervention." he explained gently.

"Per, whaty-what?" I asked, feeling more confused than ever.

"Pericarditis,  it's the medical name, " Brian explained, all of them them laughing at my sheer confusion.

"So what now?"

"Well as Calum said we need to check- get some x- rays to confirm, and while we're there we'll investigate everything else that's going on.  It's almost certain you've got the flu, and that's what has caused it, so we   need to get that sorted for everything else to get better," Shawn explained.

I groaned, letting my head drop into his lap,  unfortunately this created the urge to cough, and with every cough that I let out, the burning,  stabbing pain only intensified.

"We really need to get you to the hospital," Shawn urged seeing my discomfort, before bending down and picking me up, cradling me in his arms.

The other dashing upstairs to get into clothes other than pyjamas, and grab their badges. None of them seemed to care that they weren't in scrubs, and when I asked Shawn if it mattered he responded with "As long as we have our badges with us,  it's okay. It's not mandatory to wear uniforms."

Once they were ready, they bundled me up in blankets, Shawn insisting that they protect me from the cold winter air, even for the short walk from the house to the car. I tried to be helpful, and support some of my weight as Shawn carried me to the vehicle, but I just didn't have any energy,  and every time I moved, it hurt. Eventually I gave up, having tried to shuffle into my seat, twisting the wrong way and sending a shot of pain straight through my chest.

"Just let us do the work," Dave stopped me as I tried again,holding my arms, and bringing me to a holt, and so from that point on I was something of a jelly fish. Except for the shaking, I could barely stay still the whole drive, my legs trembling of their own accord, no matter how hard I tried to stop them.

"You'll be alright, " Connor commented,  giving me a much needed hug as he helped me out of the car 20 minutes later.

By now I was feeling straight up petrified, and the worst part about it was, all four of the guys knew it. And there was absolutely nothing I could do.

"Come on," Shawn whispered, leading me slowly towards the hospital entrance.

Inside, they led me straight past the admissions desk, briefly filling one of the nurses in as we made our way into the room, Shawn helping me gently onto the single bed.

"Not anyone I don't know," I begged, holding onto Shawn, as the others moved around the room,  collecting things and setting up equipment. I tried not to pay attention as I could already feel the anxious knots forming.

"You know we're not meant to be treating you Princess, at least not here, we're family," he responded, kissing my hand, while grabbing a gown from a draw and passing it to me, turning around so I could get changed,the others not paying attention.

"Actually Shawn," Dave spoke once I was dressed in the hideous cloth, "The pit is in overdrive, I had five new admissions just in the last half hour of my shift, and the other doctors are overloaded, I really don't think anyone will mind, and if they do they can take it up with me as the Head of the Department. She needs to be seen to, especially if our suspicions are right, " Dave interrupted, patting my arm gently.

"Aimee?" Brian called, getting my attention. "We'll take this really slowly hon, but we need to hook you up to a couple of things, okay?" I nodded, managing a smile as they went about starting to attach everything.  A blood pressure and heart rate monitor, which I knew, a mask,  which Shawn was quick to explain that I needed as I tried to remove it. "Leave it there baby, you could really do with the extra oxygen at the moment. You're heart is racing, and your blood pressure is also a little higher than it should be. Heart rate 120, BP 130/90," he called to the others as he watched the monitors that were now displaying my vitals. 

"That's a little higher than it should be Aimee, just try to relax, I know it's scary, and I know that all the lights, and the noises won't be helping,  but I promise you, you're in the best place right now, " Connor promised, coming over, and warming his stethoscope up in his hands before placing it against my chest.

The machines attached to me started beeping, as my heart rate picked up again, only making me feel more anxious and agitated.The guys seemed unfazed though, Brian quickly shutting them off with no trouble. " It's just an alert to tell us that you're vitals are higher than they should be," he explained when he noticed me watching his every move.

"Aimee?" Connor called, resting his hand under my chin, and turning my head gently so that my focus was on him again. "Ignore all that sweetheart,the guys will sort that out okay, all I need you to do is focus on Luke and I okay?" he smiled when I nodded, before helping me to sit up. "Breathe in for me Aimee, and out, and again," he spoke as I took shaky breathes, holding Shawn's hand in a death grip.

"There's definitely some wheezing there.  I'd like to get a chest x-ray, and start you on fluids," he told me as he moved the stethoscope away, and allowed me to lay back again. "I'll order the x- ray now, you should be able to have it done in the next half an hour," he added as he went to the computer in the corner of the room, and pressed a few buttons.  "Done, they'll page us when they're ready for you," he smiled.

"Right, is it okay if I have your left hand Princess?" Dave asked stepping up to the side of the bed. I only realised what he was dining when I  saw the tray that he had placed down next to my side.

"No," I cried, panicked, realising that it was a needle, and other equipment, necessary for an I.V. "Can't you just give me something to make me better?" I asked desperately wanting to avoid an needles at all costs.

He sighed, taking in my stressed appearance." Three days ago an anti- viral may have worked, but somebody decided to be a difficult patient," Shawn looked at me pointedly as we all laughed."but now," he continued "not so much. Even with the anti-viral your body would have struggled.  So now that the virus has taken hold your body really needs the extra help. Fluids included, " he explained, as Dave picked up the wipe from the metal bowl, wiping my hand down. I couldn't help the shudder that ran through my body, I had always hated the smell of hospital disinfect, and the sterilization wipes were no better.

"Sorry, he murdered as he finished, and chucked the wipe into the bin next to the bed. " Ready?" he asked, looking to me as he positioned my hand and opened the packet housing the needle.

" Do I really have to?" I asked, looking up at my brother, hoping he would help me out. Instead, he rubbed my back before agreeing with Dave.

"Sweetheart, you're in pain baby, this will help with it okay. It'll give you some relief,listen to me. Take a breath, listen to my voice.  'll sit up here and hold you. It'll be over in a second and then that's the worst over. Okay. Dave's a pro," he insisted,  gesturing for me to move over so he could hop up onto the bed. He smiled encouraging allowing me to snuggle in.

"Don't cry Princess, " Dave murmured,wiping softly at my face with a tissue to dry the tears that were now falling. "On three, " he warned, causing me to bury my head in Shawn's neck. "One, two, three," I felt the pinch, of it breaking my skin, but it was nowhere near what I had been expecting, and I found myself looking up in surprise.

"Not so bad right," Shawn laughed.

"The expectations are always worse than the reality," Dave added, as he attached the tubing,  and removed the tray from the bed. "You're all set little one, " he told me as he finished hookingme up to the fluids, and pain relief, before kissing my head.

For the next half an hour we sat in relative silence,  all exhausted given that it was still so early. Finally Connor got the call to say that they were ready for me at radiology, Dave offered to take me so the others could get food, and Shawn could sort my admission papers. At first I wasn't too happy at the idea, but when Dave promised that he wouldn't leave my side I relaxed, and let him transfer me to a wheel chair, leading me down the maze of corridors.

"D," I asked as we came to a stop outside a lift.

"Yes? " he asked, bending down so that he could hear me more easily.

"Why do Cheetahs have spots?"

He didn't answer me for a minute, but then he started laughing, "Oh my goodness, I think the pain relief is starting to take effect."

" I feel fine now." I shrugged as the doors opened and he wheeled me in, still chuckling.

"I bet you do Princess, I bet you do."

The x- rays were quick and easy, only taking about ten minutes, after which Dave took me straight back up to the room.

"Someone's pain meds have taken affect!" he announced as he stopped just inside the door, and helped me to my bed.

Brian looked up from where he was sitting on the small chair in the corner doing paperwork and smiled. " I can see that, her eyes are huge, how much did you give her?" he laughed, standing up,  and coming over to the side of the bed.

"What do you mean? " I asked as Brian pulled a light from his pocket.

"You're pupils, they're extremely dilated. "

"What are you doing?" Shawn asked as he and Connor walked in.

"She's high on pain meds," Dave explained with a chuckle. "We may as well do the exam now, while you're not in too much discomfort."

"Okay," Weirdly I didn't feel as nervous as I did before.

"Wow, those meds got you good baby, this is the most relaxed you've been in a medical setting,  ever!" Shawn laughed taking my hand as he stopped next to me. " I didn't know pain meds effected you like this."

"Alright " Dave tapped my leg bringing my attention back.  "I just want to check your heart and lungs first little lady, can you lean forward?" I nodded allowing him to do what he had to do. 

"There is some slight wheezing,  but other than that and the inflammation everything sounds perfect. " he smiled. "Your heart rate has come down too," he noted looking to the monitor.  "That's good! So what else besides your fever, and the chest pain are you feeling?"

"What?"

"What other symptoms do you have? " Connor clarified, standing next to Dave.

"Cough, runny nose, sore throat, chills, head aches, fatigue." I listed, laughing slightly when the guys mouths dropped a bit in shock.

"Why didn't you just let us help you?" Shawn asked, clearly exasperated.

I shrugged, "I don't know, I guess, I'd rather just deal with it on my own. Or that's what I did think until it started hurting," I whined,  "It feels like someone's stabbing me!"

"Let me have a look at your ears, nose and throat okay Princess," Dave spoke, ignoring the last bit of what I said. I was glad though because I just wanted to feel better. And the sooner he figured out what was wrong, the sooner he could make that happen.

"Well it's official Princess, you've got yourself a nasty case of the flu," he announced with what I thought was a rather unnecessary smile as he finished looking at my throat. "It's one of the worst ones I've seen in a while, I don't know how you're breathing through your nose, at all, or eating for that matter. Your throat is red."

"Yeah well, I'm not feeling that great right now,  trust me," I grumbled. "I just wish my chest would stop hurting.  "It stopped, and then it started again. "

"Radiology just sent through your scans, it's definitely pericarditis," Brian replied from the corner, causing me to groan.

"This sucks!" I whined, flopping back against the bed, "and it hurts."

"I know baby," Shawn spoke, clearly sympathetic.

"I'll put some more pain meds in your I.V okay,  it should help,  mbut really all we can do is relieve the pain, and keep you on bed rest until the virus runs it's course," he spoke gently as he readjusted the blankets for me, and put some more stuff in my I.V. "That should take too long to work. "

"Hop back in with me, I'm cold," I whined, pulling his arm so that he moved closer to the bed. I felt like all I was doing was whining,  but I just felt crappy.

"That'll be the fever, " Brian nodded. "You've had stuff for it though, so we just need to let it do it's thing. Provided it doesn't get too high, it actually helps your body get rid of the virus. "

"The beds barely big enough for one," Shawn laughed, still focused on me.

"I don't care," I whined continuing to pull at his arm.

"Fine,"  he sighed, hoping in next to me, and allowing me to curl up once more.

"So what have you learned from this whole thing?"  Shawn asked smirking from beside me as I struggled to keep my eyes open half an hour later.

I glared at him, causing all of them to laugh, "Go on, what have you learned?" he asked tickling my side.

" I don't know if I can say it, it hurts too much," I laughed, going along with the joke. He pouted.

"Hey no fair!" I argued, he knew that I couldn't resist it when he pouted, it had been that way since we were kids. "Fine, I should have listened to you, cause you know best," I grumbled, holding my chest as if I was wounded.

"Was that really so hard?" Connor laughed watching from where he was packing up excess wiring,  placing them back into their relevant draws.

"Yes, it was incredibly painful," I sassed back.

"Truth hurts princess!" Shawn laughed, pulling me into a hug.

"That it does," I agreed, resting my head on his shoulder again  and closing my eyes. Never again would I be so stubborn. But there was no need for them to know that, not yet anyway.

[one-leaf-grimoire]

“illusion”

Chapter 15

Hi! This chapter has some sad parts but MC finally stands up to a big threat. LMK what you think!

Warnings: none, this chapter is SFW

A03 LINK // SFW LINK

The true nature of my Illusion Magic is in the way that it effects the human brain. My magic can trigger responses within the mind of another, forcing their brain to release the hormones and electric signals necessary to conjure up what I want them to perceive. Images, sounds, feelings... but one spell does this better than any other; the spell I have only cast once before.

Fear Landscape.

This spell targets a single region of the brain, the amygdala. Stress hormones are released in a massive stampede, causing pupil dilation, heart rate increase, and restriction of breathing. All of these things compound upon each other until the body shuts down. 

The first time I used it was an accident. We were on a mission in the woods, and were almost done, when a massive wolf appeared out of nowhere. The spell manifested in that moment, probably triggered by my own fear. I don't remember it very well, since I blacked out in a similar fashion to today, into a warm, golden sleep. But according to Alice, the wolf collapsed into a whimpering pile, giving us enough time to escape.

I never really thought about what happened to that wolf. I wonder if it died, just like the dozen or so men that were unlucky enough to be around me today.

But now, lying silently in a hospital bed while the nurses checked up on me for the fifteenth time tonight, I have plenty of time to reflect.

I killed that man... the general. I killed all his men. 

The nurses and doctor keep talking among themselves. From what I've gathered so far, the slime mold penetrated my body much farther than they thought at first, and kept proliferating even after the caster was dead. It'll take a while for me to heal completely.

It's been around three days since the attack- at least, I think it has been that long. My mind has been foggy and disoriented, so I can't be quite sure. My only reference for time is the light coming in through the curtains, and the three times per day that a meal is brought to me. I'm barely able to eat, but it could be worse.

After all... someone was hurt much worse than me that day.

The door creaks open once all the nurses are gone, and none other than Captain Hervey and his two vice captains come in. My gaze flickers up to Julius's face first, catching a glimpse of his worried expression. I quickly look to Hervey next. "Captain..."

I start to sit up, but Hervey raises his hand to pause the movement. "Stay still, you're injured enough as it is." He lets out a heavy sigh, his eyes narrowing for a moment. "How are you feeling?"

"As good as I can." I motion vaguely at my right arm, where green mold veins still linger under my skin. "The doctor said maybe two more days before my system gets flushed of this stuff."

"I see." Hervey nods a little. "It'll be good to have you back on your feet..."

I gulp nervously, scared to ask the next question.

"Captain... is Alice-"

"She's still in her coma."

I fall silent. 

"The doctor doesn't think she's going to wake up."

... she's... not going to wake up? 

"Like... not today? Or-"

"Not ever." The words come out sharply, freezing my heart.

I was told as soon as I was conscious enough to listen. The other Shining General was a powerful ice mage. He managed to trap Julius in Ice before making a break for it. Hervey took off in pursuit, but it was too late; The general ran into Alice's group, and in the fight... 

"People don't recover from a frostbitten brain." Hervey muttered, a little callously. I'm too weak to even summon tears, but I feel every part of my soul being shredded apart. 

Alice... you have to wake up... you have to.

"But I told you; My ice magic countered his. I killed that Bastard... both of us felled Generals in this battle. That's why I'm here today."

I look back up at Hervey as he walks to the side of my bed, producing what looks like a small plaque. "Captain, what's this for?"

"It's a special commendation from the Wizard King himself," Hervey explained, giving me a strained smile. "You've been promoted to Senior Magic Knight."

"Congratulations," Malota says, giving me a rare smile of her own from the other side of my bed. "You're basically at the top now."

"You've impressed all of us. Well done."

I look at the foot of my bed, where Julius still stands, and he gives me the same smile as the others. He's happy for me, I can tell, but that tenseness is easily explained; today feels like no time to celebrate, while Alice lies unresponsive in another room.

Impressed... congratulations...

The words feel bitter in my mind.

"I... I'm getting this now... because I murdered someone, right?"

My voice is numb, cold and emotionless. My head falls back onto my pillow, and I stare blankly up at the ceiling. 

Hervey exchanges a glance with the other two before clearing his throat. "NO! Well, yeah... but don't think of it that way. You defeated an enemy of our Kingdom, and now he will never harm anyone again."

That general... his magic hurt. I remember how Giles writhed in pain, and how my mind snapped as he pushed me past my limit. But, I saw something in his eyes. He had a family... there were things in this world that he loved. But me... I can't love anything. Love was ruined for me, so I ruined it for all of them, too...

"I didn't even mean to do it." Slowly, my eyes flicker close. Maybe if I pretend to be asleep, they'll leave me alone. "I was trying to escape..."

"Our bodies do unexpected things when we think we're about to die."

Julius's voice pulls me out, and my eyes open again. I can't bring myself to move and look at him, but I'm listening... I'm listening.

Julius...

"You did what anyone else would have done... but you deserved this promotion before that, trust me." 

Even from where I lay, I can hear the smile on his lips. This time, there is no tension.

How many people have you killed, Julius? You've been to battle far more than I have... and I've heard the stories of your terrifying power. That power scares me, too, but at the same time... I know it protects me.

If I had any less restraint, I would have reached out to him, begged him to take my hand, pleaded for him to stay. I don't care who sees, I don't care who disapproves, I just want him here with me, forever.

But there's just enough restraint within me to keep me still. After that awkward moment, Hervey leads the others out, leaving the plaque on my bedside table.

------------

It's not until later that night that the full gravity of the situation dawns on me. Alice, my closest and oldest friend, was going to die, and I could do nothing about it.

"You're in my group, right? So I'll protect you! No matter what. And you're going to protect me too!"

Alice said those words to Cecelia. She promised that she would live.

Alice... I'm sorry I ever doubted you. You're my friend, nothing less, and I know in my heart that you could never hurt me. As sure as the sun rises, as sure as it sets... you would have never betrayed me.

But why...

I roll over in the dark, my delirious mind breaking down as tears and wet sobs rip from my throat.

Why did I have to realize that after it's too late?!

I clutch a pillow tightly as I cry, holding onto it for dear life. And maybe it's just my imagination... but I feel it hug me back, warm and soft.

-----

When I wake up the next morning, there was no large pillow that I could have been curled up into. The side of the bed next to me is warm; at least, I think it is. But I can't see anyone there, and my fever makes the entire world burn.

Maybe that was just my imagination.

-----

"There you are! Oh, god-"

Two days later, I'm sitting up in bed, feeling good enough to eat. I look up from my soup to see the door open, and two very familiar older people come rushing towards me. I drop my spoon in surprise.

"Mom? Dad?"

Indeed, it's my parents, and a moment later they both tackle me in a hug that's definitely more rough than they should be giving me right now. I let out a hollow gasp as the air is knocked out of my lungs, but I quickly get over it and smile. "Hi... It's good to see you two."

I hug back, burying my face into their shoulders, and am suddenly overwhelmed with... nostalgia. Both of them pull back and start fawning over me, telling me how proud they are of me, and how worried they were before they could visit. It's bittersweet, and it takes everything I have in me to keep from bursting into tears. 

All the pain and trouble I've gone through, I did it for them. For the hope that I could free them from the path they think they're trapped on. Marrying a Kira will give us status for life, but now that I'm a Senior Magic Knight, we don't need that status. By myself, I can support them, and then...

"Oh!" My mom's eyes suddenly lit up. "Look who insisted we bring him with us!"

"Huh? Who-"

I look around her shoulder, and my blood runs cold.

"Hey."

Lawrence Kira stands there in the doorway, not even the faint ghost of a smile upon his face.

My heart starts to pound.

He's here... oh god...

"Congrats on your promotion." He walks inside, and I feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. "Looks like you got pretty hurt, though..." He comes to a stop at the foot of my bed, and I resist the urge to scoot back further. My grip on my mother's hand tightens slightly. "How long are you going to keep this up?"

Uh oh. I open my mouth, not sure what to say. He better not use this time to confront me... he's evil. I look over at my parents, who also start to look worried. In front of them, too! He knows that if he pressures me here, my parents will join them. They're looking forward to the wedding, and they don't want me to get hurt again... I start to panic. SHIT!

Finally, I manage to cobble together a response. Play dumb! "Um... well, they should let me out of bed tomorrow-"

"I'm not talking about that-" Lawrence snaps. "I'm talking about you playing Magic Knight for years and years. Face it, you're not cut out for this." He motions at my fading injuries. "You almost died, I don't want you to face something like that again before our wedding."

"He has a point, Darling," Dad pipes up innocently. "If you died... I don't know how I would go on living."

"I know, but I'm not going to die." I tighten my hold on my mother's hand again. She doesn't say anything, but I see something flicker in her eyes. I look back over at Lawrence, his stone cold grey eyes staring right into my soul. "Lawrence, I killed a General. A Diamond General. And I just got promoted. Do you think I'm weak or something?"

"Not weak..." He crosses his arms, and I see his cool exterior waver for a moment. "But you're not strong enough to avoid this type of injury... you Captain knows it too." His confidence returns, and he points at my plaque. "Have you ever heard of a pity promotion? It's not unusual for a weak magic knight to receive a big promotion right after they sustain a bad injury. It's supposed to convince you to leave, because you've done enough. And that's true for you." 

I feel my heart sink. No, I've never heard of pity promotions before, but that adds up.

Am I... am I really that weak?

"I... I- er-"

"FILLER WORDS-" Lawrence snaps, shutting me up immediately. He calms himself after the momentary outburst. "Stop using filler words, remember?"

I nod, my hands shaking.

"Listen... you're not being disgraceful." Lawrence offers me a shallow smile, stepping forward. I feel my heart jolt again, like a deer cornered by a hunter. "But it's time to leave this path and become what you're meant to be..."

I... I can't... I have to... I-

"My wife-"

"No."

The word slips out, and Lawrence freezes. His eyes widen a little, somehow getting colder.

"What did you just say?"

Shit, shit, shit! My heart pounds, but it's too late to go back.

"I- I said no." I take a shuddering breath, ignoring my parents' shocked faces. "I don't want to marry you, Lawrence, and I'm not going to."

The words don't quite register for Lawrence, ricocheting around between his ears. But once they do, it's obvious. His cheeks start to redden, and his wide eyes crumple with rage.

"You... you can't just say no now! We've been engaged since I was ten!"

"Honey, what on earth are you thinking?" Both of my parents look scared. Their whole lives, they placed their entire future on this marriage, not considering any other way to protect us. But now, I've found another way.

Yes... through my own strength, I forged a path! With the help of Alice, I created a fate far different from what Lawrence tried to create for me. I won't let Alice's work go to waste! I found a life I can live with pride... and I found someone that I want to love with all my heart!

"I am a Magic Knight, Lawrence." I sit up, shaking off my parents' hands, and point accusingly at the man who's caused me so much pain over my entire life. "You are the lowest of the low. You forced me to do things I wasn't ready to do. You hurt me, and manipulated me- and I'm not going to just lay down and take it any more!"

My voice raises steadily in volume, and so does my courage. Somehow, a smile starts to grow on my lips, and I clench my fist as I say the words I've always wanted to say.

"For my family, and for my own pride, I reject you, Lawrence Kira-"

Just as I utter his name, I see something in his gaze snap.

Oh- God-

Instantly, mana caves in around him then shoots out at me. I don't have time to finish my sentence. Poisonous, thistly grey vines hit my throat, wrapping around it and blasting me backwards. My parents both scream, and I hit the wall above the bedframe with a resounding CRACK. My mouth opens with a silent scream, the thistles pricking my skin and drawing blood. My back hurts, my legs kick helplessly, and my fingers claw uselessly at the tight chords that choke the life out of me. But at the same time...

That's it Lawrence. Show the world what a monster you really are.

"YOU WENCH!" he basically gargles, still overcome with indignancy and rage. A vein starts to pop out of his temple. "Do you think I'm going to just let you leave? After all the work I put into you?! YOU'RE NOTHING BUT AN UNGRATEFUL SOW WITHOUT ME!"

The thistles tighten, and I start to taste blood too.

More... more... show me more of your hate!

Lawrence looks unhinged as he clenches his fist, controlling his magic. "So... I'm going to teach you a lesson... and then you're coming right back to the castle WITH ME-"

He's cut off suddenly. I crack open an eye to see both of my parents on their feet, hands and Grimoires up. Both are already forming magic in their hands, Eye magic and Memory Magic, and both are targeted at the prince. Lawrence's eyes widen. "What- What do you think you're doing-"

"Let go of her." My dad's voice is deadly soft. Both of them aren't freaking out, but I can hear the urge to tear into Lawrence in his words. "Now."

"I don't care if you're a prince. You don't touch her ever again." My mother's voice holds the same quiet threat.

Lawrence opens and closes his mouth a few times, and I feel his thistles weaken slightly. All I can do is hold my breath and stay still as the edges of my vision start to blur. 

yes... both of them stood up for me... Mom, dad, I promise this wasn't a mistake!

"If you defy me... your status will mean nothing. Society will ostracize you," Lawrence threatens. "Are you really going to throw everything I gave you away?"

"Status means nothing, now that we know what you really are like," my dad's voice starts to waver. "Let her go before I show you what I'm really like."

After one more tense moment, the thistles disappear. I let out a deep gasp before collapsing back down onto my bed, a trembling mess. My parents immediately retract their magic and rush to my side. "I-I'm fine-" I wheeze, sitting up with their help.

Lawrence still looks mad, but that calculated coolness in his eyes returns.

"You... you'll regret this."

Without another word, Lawrence turns dramatically and storms off, slamming the door behind him.

The nurses are called back in, fixing up the wounds on my neck. They aren't deep, but Lawrence's Thistle Magic leaves millions of microscopic wounds. It hurts like a bitch, too.

But the whole time, up until my parents leave, only one thought circles through my mind.

I did it...

I'm free.

[softbiker]

Born to Run - Chapter 4

Warnings: some language, descriptions of injuries

Word Count: 2.5k

A/N: this chapter features a proposition, some explanations, and an intro to a new character :) the response to this series has been overwhelming! I did not expect it to get very popular lol. As always, let me know what you think!

Steve flicked the cigarette he was holding and returned it to his lips. Its glowing tip lit his face from underneath as he took a slow drag, then exhaled through his nose, letting the smoke float around his face.

“She did a damn good job, way better than Barton.”

“Under pressure, too.”

“Does she have anybody here? Family or friends?”

Sam and Steve turned to Bucky, who had his arms crossed while he listened to their exchange.

“No one,” he shook his head. “She’s alone in that house.”

“That’s good,” Steve nodded. “Less of a risk.”

“So…” Sam looked between the two of them. “We all agree?” Steve raised his eyebrows at Bucky.

“No,” Bucky frowned. “But I know I can’t stop you.”

***********************************************************************

A week after the carnival, Y/N finally understood a bit more about her situation. After applying careful pressure to Charlotte, she learned that Mr. Van Horn’s use of the word “gang” was not a stylistic choice: Barnes and his friends run a motorcycle club called the ‘Avengers’ that had quite the reputation around town. Some feverish googling revealed that no criminal charges had ever been filed against the members, but it didn’t stop people from being suspicious. Several local news articles accused them of a string of vandal acts in 4 neighboring counties, spray-painting a skull and crossbones on public buildings and signs.

Y/N kept a close eye out for her neighbor after that - she listened for his motorcycle leaving the house and planned her own trips around his absence. She had the locks changed on the front door and went to the hardware store for a security alarm for the front and back doors of the house. Still, she was on edge whenever she was at home, alone in her quietly creaking house, with nothing but the sound of the TV for company. She started taking melatonin to help herself get to sleep at night.

As far as she could tell, Bucky was making no attempt to see her, either. He often left his house late at night and returned sometime after she had left for work, or stayed gone for a couple days at a time. If he worked a real job she couldn’t tell what it was - his comings and goings were so sporadic there was no way he was holding down a 9 to 5 somewhere. In any case, Y/N was just glad that their opposing schedules never allowed their paths to cross.

A week after the carnival, Y/N was sitting in her office at the clinic, filling out invoices for supplies. As a kid, she never imagined being a doctor would involve so much paperwork and planning, but somehow the dull minutiae of “real” jobs would always catch up with you. She puffed out a sigh and leaned back in her chair, refreshing the email page on her desktop. A reminder for a birthday party she wouldn’t be able to attend popped up, along with a student newsletter from her medical college she kept forgetting to unsubscribe to. She went back to her invoices.

A knock at the door startled her from her pile of paperwork. Charlotte poked her head in.

“Um, exam room 1,” she squeaked, clearing her throat before she continued. “The patient is ready in exam room 1.”

“Oh,” Y/N frowned. “I thought we had seen our scheduled patients already this morning? Is it an emergency visit?”

Charlotte’s eyes darted to the side before she nodded.

“Alright, then.” Y/N stood from her desk and slipped her lab coat back on. “What am I in for?”

“Um...I think you should just see for yourself.” Charlotte’s voice was tight, an octave higher than usual. She scurried back to her place at the front desk before Y/N could ask her anymore questions.

With her mind spinning a thousand worst-case scenarios, walked down the hall and opened the door to exam room 1.

Fuck.

The room was practically at capacity with the 3 burly men occupying it. On the exam table, swinging his long legs, was a smiling Steve Rogers; Sam Wilson sat in the chair next to him, browsing a pamphlet on STDs; and leaning against the wall next to the door was the man she tried so desperately to avoid - Bucky Barnes, in the flesh. His thick arms were crossed over his chest as he glared at the other two men, not sparing her a glance.

“Hi, doc.” Steve lifted his hand in a small wave. “I came to check up on my stitches.” Sam looked up over his pamphlet and waved, too. Y/N’s eyebrows furrowed.

“And you needed two friends to come with you?”

“Yes, ma’am,” Rogers nodded.

“We’re here for moral support,” Sam piped up.

“Uh huh.” She glanced at Bucky again, who continued to give her the cold shoulder. “Okay. Should only take a couple of minutes.”

She washed her hands, worked on a pair of gloves, and stepped closer to examine Steve’s forehead. Having three large, and reportedly dangerous, men in one small exam room with her set her nerves on edge. Their complete silence while they watched her certainly didn’t help at all, but she was nothing if not a professional, so she took her pen light from the pocket of her lab coat and leaned into his personal space as if it didn’t bother her.

“Hm. This has healed up nicely, Mr. Rogers,” she nodded, tucking the light away.

“Just Steve is fine.”

“Steve, then. Let me just cut these stitches out and then you can be on your way.”

“Sounds good.”

She opened the cabinets above the sink and pulled out some bandages, scissors, tweezers, and alcohol wipes, laying them all out on a moveable tray next to the exam table. She could feel Bucky’s eyes on her and it made the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. Still, he was silent as he kept his place by the door.

While she wiped down the area and started clipping the stitches, Sam made light small talk - asking about her weekend, how she was enjoying the clinic and the town, if she’d be going out of town for Labor Day. Y/N wasn’t quite sure what to make of it all, but gave him polite, short answers. She never asked him about himself, but she’d prefer to stay at arms length of all these men.

She swiped the cut again with an alcohol wipe and then covered it with a bandage, stepping back from the table.

“Alright, you’re all done, Steve.”

“Thank you, doc,” Steve smiled appreciatively. “You do good work.”

Y/N shrugged, tugging her gloves off and tossing them in the trash.

“It’s not like you really have a lot of options.”

“You’re right,” he nodded, looking at Sam. “Which is why...we have a proposition for you.”

Y/N blinked. Had she heard him correctly?

“What does that mean?”

“I think you must have heard about us by now, doc,” Sam said, rising from his chair. “The Avengers could use a medic like you.”

“We’re...accident prone,” Steve added. “And as you know, there’s not a hospital nearby, so we’re stuck with having one of our members doing a little first aid whenever we get beat up. But having a real doctor around? Could really save our asses.”

“I’m sorry...what exactly is it that you’re asking me to do?”

“It’s just some extra work on the side. After clinic hours, you’d be available for a member of our club if they needed any medical care. We could come to your place or bring you to the clubhouse, we’ll get you any supplies you need. And of course we’ll pay you.”

Steve was calm and confident while making his pitch, Sam standing beside him and watching her closely. Y/N’s brain was spinning. They were basically asking her to join their motorcycle club, right? Staying at the clubhouse and patching up their buddies? What the fuck was happening. She looked over at Bucky, who had stayed silent this entire time. His eyes were on her now, and they looked...wary. Tired. It was like he was asking her something but she just couldn’t hear him.

“No, I’m afraid I’m not interested.”

“Not interested? In getting extra money for doing your job?” Sam’s eyebrows went up.

“My job is running this clinic, not playing nurse for a biker gang,” Y/N fumed. She took a deep breath and squared her shoulders. “You’ve really got some nerve coming in here and telling me that - but I took out your stitches and answered your question, so I’m going to have to ask you to leave now.”

She crossed her arms, giving the three of them a final glare before opening the exam room door and motioning for them to get out. The men shuffled out, their massive height filling the doorway. Steve glanced at her as he passed.

“If you change your mind, the offer is still on the table,” he said. Then they were gone.

Back in her office, Y/N slumped forward and laid her head on her desk. What the hell was that? How was this happening to her? ‘Young doctor moves to a small town, joins a biker gang’ sounded like a really bad premise for a movie.

She ate her lunch alone at her desk, obsessing over the situation. Joining a biker club was insane. Completely batshit. There was no chance in hell she would consider it. But on the other hand...Steve had said they would pay her. How much could they offer? She had to admit, she was weakly tempted by the money. If an extra paycheck helped her pay off her student loans faster, she could get out of here...move back to the city, back to her life. Her texts were full of friends begging her to come back and visit, sad that she was stuck in the middle of nowhere. Besides Charlotte, she hadn’t really managed to make a lot of connections here. It was lonely and hard...and patching up a few bikers on the side for a year or so could get it all over with.

But no, she told herself. Still not worth it. Absolutely not worth getting arrested when the Avengers got busted for drugs or human trafficking or murder. These bikers could end up ruining the rest of her life. No way. She’d take the slower, safer route, even if it was more boring.

Around mid-afternoon, Stacey, one of her other nurses, announced another walk-in patient.

“He says he wants you to look at his shoulder, he thinks he might have injured it in a football game,” she shrugged. Y/N nodded and slipped into the exam room.

Yet another large, muscular man in her clinic - where was this town getting all of these beefy men? He had removed his leather jacket and was sitting on her exam table in a white t-shirt and jeans; his hair was shaved on the sides and longer on top, slicked back from his forehead, and his arms were covered in tattoos. He had a nice enough face, she thought, even though he looked like his nose had been broken one too many times, and there was something...shifty about him. A little greasy.

“Good afternoon Mr…” she glanced at her chart. “Rumlow, is it?”

“Oh, you can call me Brock,” he smiled, a little sleazy.

“Okay, Brock. So it’s your shoulder bringing you in today?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Okay. Let’s have a look then.”

He nodded and pulled off his shirt before she could tell him not to, revealing even more tattoos across his muscled skin. He turned halfway, showing her his right shoulder.

“Oh, wow. Um, well there’s a lot of bruising here,” she said, stepping closer. The skin all around his shoulder and collarbone was bruised purple and blue. “How did this happen?”

“Playing football with some buddies,” he sighed, turning to give her that smile again. “I guess we like it a little rough.”

“Hm.” She ignored his comment. “Can you rotate it?”

She tested his range of motion, felt the area and asked about his pain. She brought Stacy back in and did an X-ray, to check for a break in his humerus. The results all seemed fine, which was a relief, as she was starting to feel uncomfortable with the way he was looking at her.

“Well, the good news is that you don’t have any broken bones - I think you just have some really deep bruising from the impact,” she said, putting her X-rays to the side. “So I would advise you to just be gentle with it, take it easy, and put some ice on it every day. The muscles need a little time to heal - so no football for now.”

“Alright, doctor’s orders,” Rumlow raised his hands in surrender.

“Anything else?” Y/N asked politely, ready to be out of the room.

“Well...now that you mention it,” he said slowly, pulling his t-shirt back over his head. “I was wondering if you were taking on any new patients. No special conditions - other than a sweet tooth, that is.” There was something in his smile, like he knew something she didn’t. She cleared her throat.

“If you’d like for us to keep your information on file, you can ask Charlotte at the front desk and fill out some paperwork,” she nodded.

“Alright then.” He hopped off the table and turned to slip his jacket back on. She could see a skull and crossbones tattoo on the back of his neck.

“Have a good day, Mr. Rumlow.”

“Brock.”

“Right.” She held the door for him and was glad when he was down the hallway and out of sight.

*************************************************************************

Y/N was in bed by 9:00 that night, too tired to care. Maybe living in an old woman’s house was turning her into the spinster she had always feared. But today was just too much, and she crawled into her bed with her clothes still on and passed out.

She woke to someone pounding on her front door.

Blearily she glanced at her alarm clock - 2:05 am. Why would someone be here at that hour? The pounding continued as she dragged herself out of her warm covers and stumbled towards the front door, remembering to grab her pepper spray off the lanyard on her nightstand. She crept up to the door on soft, silent feet, waiting for the banging to stop.

“Who is it?” she yelled when they took a break.

“Bucky,” he called, sounding exhausted. “Please, open the door?”

She hesitated, her hand hovering over the knob. This man was the rumored enforcer of a dangerous motorcycle club. She should not help him or be his friend, or let him in to her house at 2 in the morning.

“Please?” he called again. “I’m not gonna hurt you, I swear. I just...need your help.”

She sighed. Probably more stitches, or a broken hand from punching someone. Y/N turned the lock and swung the door open. Bucky was leaning hunched against the door frame, one of his hands pressed to his stomach. In the glow of the porchlight she could see it was covered in blood, soaking the lower half of his shirt. He looked up weakly when the door opened, giving her an apologetic look.

“I didn’t know where else to go,” he panted. “I’m sorry.”

[drakewalkerfantasy]

Flames of yesterday: Chapter 13

Summary: 5 years ago they made a mistake. They were two broken men drinking away their love life issues, and one girl trying to help a friend. What the night leaves them with are two broken hearts and one nearly broken friendship. 5 years later, two are still broken and another one fixed. But what happens when they all meet again? Will it open old wounds and bring all the their insecurities rushing back?  Or will it mend the two hearts still looking for warmth, unable to find it after their parting?

Words: 4606

Authors notes: A crossover of Open Heart and The Elementalists, a collaboration series by @drakewalkerfantasy​ and @fluffy-marshmallow-heart​

Sorry that it took us awhile to come back with another chapter and thank you to everyone who send your asks. We really appreciate this :) Also this chapter got lengthy, but I hope you will love it.

Ethan x OH MC (Diana)

Beckett x TE MC (Oriana)

**Warnings: **

Leaving Diana and Oriana sleeping, Ethan and Beckett walked across the street to Donahue’s, taking a seat at the bar. Ethan ordered them both a scotch on the rocks. The men were silent as the bartender made their drinks and set them down in front of them. Ethan tipped his glass in salute.

“To your successful surgery. You were perfectly adequate in there.” He took a sip while Beckett rose an eyebrow.

“Adequate? Dr. Ramsey, I know we don’t know each other well, but I can assure you that nothing I have done in my entire life has been classified as ‘adequate’. I’m more used to the term ‘brilliant.’”

“And cocky.” Ethan grumbled, taking another sip.

Beckett just shrugged. “Sometimes cockiness is earned. You of all people should know that.”

Ethan sighed. “Okay, Dr. Harrington, I guess I can say that I understand why you’re the top surgical intern and everyone speaks so highly of you…including Diana.”

“She’s also brilliant.”

Ethan agreed. “She really is. She’s…one of a kind.” He eyed Beckett, who sat there nursing his drink quietly. “You’re not one for small talk I take it?”

“Not exactly. It’s not that I’m not interested, it’s just that most people look at me and how I carry myself, and assume I’m a snob. It…takes me awhile to warm up to someone. Not to mention, we have a bit of a history together. One that I’ve basically managed to forget until starting at the hospital. It has caused problems with my wife and I all over again.”

Ethan nodded slowly. “So, your wife knows about when we…your wife knows how both you and Diana have met me before?”

Beckett gave him an incredulous look. “Of course, she does. She’s everything to me, we don’t have secrets. I told her before she and I became serious. I mean, I was always serious about her, but…it was difficult on her to know that Di and I had been intimate, and in such a provocative way…” He trailed off as a small smile formed on his lips. “However, if it wasn’t for Di, then we would never have gone on our first date. Ori always says she fell in love with me on that date.” His smile broadened at the memory.

Ethan watched the way Beckett had completely brightened when talking about his wife. Wracking his brain, Ethan realized that Beckett never looked like that when he was around Diana. How could he have missed that? It’s his job to be observant, and he’s one of the best diagnosticians in the country. “How long have you all been friends?”

Beckett glanced at him.  “I’ve known Diana almost my whole life. Oriana and I got together five years ago. With Diana’s help.”

“Five years?” Ethan asked, confused.

“Yes, just a few months after…” He trailed off, clearing his throat. “Long story short, Di and I stopped speaking for a while. And one day, Diana approached Oriana and somehow managed to convince her to give me a chance, even though we didn’t know each other, we’d never met. But…” His face turned bright red. “I’d had a huge crush on her for several years already.”

“If you already wanted to be with someone, then why did you…”

“I was drunk. And it’s not like it didn’t feel good, it felt amazing. But it was wrong. That’s why we stopped speaking. That’s why she went to Oriana. To try and fix things between us. Di and I…we were never romantic. And we never will be. Growing up together, everyone expected us to eventually fall in love and get married, but…that spark…it was just never there.”

Ethan looked at him thoughtfully. “That’s why you originally didn’t want to participate that night, isn’t it? I remember she practically had to beg you. I knew you weren’t a couple because of that.”

Beckett looked away, embarrassed, the tips of his ears turning red. “I really don’t like thinking about it. And suddenly seeing you again forced me to think about it. I didn’t want to know you. I didn’t want Di to know you. I hated you after that night.”

“That’s…understandable.” Ethan said quietly. Beckett still wasn’t looking at him, so he decided to bring the conversation back to Oriana. That seemed to get him talking before, it should again.

“I know today scared you, Beckett. I didn’t realize your wife was pregnant. Hell, I didn’t realize you were married.”

“She’s almost as far along as Dolores.” He replied absentmindedly. “Though I’m a bit surprised you didn’t know I was married. Everyone else does. I literally have a picture of her in my locker. And an ultrasound picture.”

Ethan chuckled lightly. “I guess I wasn’t paying attention.”

Beckett rolled his eyes. “Yes, you were. You’ve had jealousy written all over you since we started at the hospital. You assumed Di and I were together, and therefore didn’t pay attention to anything else.”

Ethan opened his mouth to argue but Beckett cut him off before he could. “I’ve seen the way you look at her. I’ve seen the longing, the respect, the passion, the…” Beckett paused a moment. “The love. My advice? For what it’s worth…don’t waste time denying your feelings. If there’s anything I’ve learned today…time is precious. You’re not going to know how she feels until you say something, do something. I wasted three whole years not introducing myself to Oriana. The two of you already know each other. There’s still chemistry after five years of not even knowing each other’s’ last names. Tell her. She may be more receptive than you think she is.”

Ethan swirled his drink around, the ice cubes clinking against the glass, deep in thought before Beckett cleared his throat to get his attention again. “And also…call me Beckett. You’re going to be important to Diana, which means you’re going to be important to me. So, stop calling me Dr. Harrington. Unless we’re at work. In which case, please, always call me Dr. Harrington.”

“It is a bit awkward, isn’t it? I didn’t expect to see either of you ever again.” Ethan chuckled.

Beckett put his glass down and turned to fully face him. “I didn’t either. But let me tell you something. If you hurt her, I will make you regret it. And what I’ll do is nothing compared to what my wife and Diana will come up with to do on their own.”

Ethan’s mouth fell open as Beckett turned back forward and took another drink calmly, as though he’d never made a threat. Finishing the drink off, Beckett stood up. “I’m going to head back. You coming?”

“I’m…going to have another drink. I’ll see you later.”

Beckett nodded and left the bar, heading back across the street to see if the girls were awake, leaving Ethan’s mind whirling, completely lost in thought at everything he learned that day, especially the relationships between everyone. He couldn’t tell if Beckett still had a problem with him, but considering everything he said, Ethan’s leaning towards no. He may have a strange way of saying it, but it sounds like he wants Ethan to make a move. It caused his heartbeat to speed up just thinking about all the ways he wanted to kiss Diana.

-----------------------------------------------

A couple of weeks later Diana walked through the empty corridors of the hospital running straight into no one else but Ethan Ramsey himself, gasping from the contact. She felt Ethan’s arms catching her by her waist preventing her from the fall. Their heartbeats fastened from the contact and their eyes meet.

This was the first time since Dolores that they found themselves alone again. Their bodies pressed, their faces so close that they could see even the smallest features of each other. Ethan’s eyes flickered to her lips and his breath caught from unbearable desire for them to meet. Words that Beckett said floating to his mind:

“don’t waste time denying your feelings.”

And yet here he is, doing exactly this. Trying to ignore the pull between them. Trying not to think of the last time their lips met. He closed his eyes for a second, warring with himself, while more words inside his mind made his heart flip.

“She may be more receptive than you think she is.”

He groaned quietly, listing all the reasons they shouldn’t be together. All the reasons he shouldn’t kiss her. But his face moved closer to hers, their lips almost brushing and their breath mingling. He froze searching her eyes, giving her time to pull away, but she didn’t. When he finally was ready to give up and finally kiss her his pager beeped pulling them both apart, his hands falling to his sides.

“Dr. Ramsey, I.... I’m sorry. I was thinking about patient treatment and I... I didn’t notice you.” mumbled Diana.

“It’s okay. I should have seen this coming, but... I got distracted...” said Ethan, fumbling with his pager. Quickly checking the message he received, his brows furrowed. “I... I need to go.”

“If everything okay?” asked Diana worriedly “if Dolores and little Ethan doing fine?”

“Yes... yes, they are doing great actually. Dr. Harrington done an excellent job. They both are out of impending danger.” replied Ethan. “and will be moved to postnatal ward in a matter of weeks.”

“Ohhhh, this is great news. Right?” smiled Diana, her hand finding his, squeezing it before letting go. Their fingers brushing lightly sending a shiver through both of them.

“Yes. This is.” said Ethan. They both standing still unable to move away, unable to take their eyes off each other. After some time, Diana was the first to break the silence.

“Dr. Ramsey, I... I need to get back to my patients,” spoke Diana chewing on her lower lip, the action alone draw Ethan crazy making him want to catch it between his teeth. “It was nice to see you,” added she after a moment of silence turning to leave...

“Wait...,” exclaimed Ethan catching her by her wrist gently without thinking. “I could use a favor,” said he, throwing a quick glance on his pager. “How busy are you right now?”

“All my patients are stable. As I said I just thought about patient’s treatment, but other than this I have nothing what needs my immediate attention. Do you need something?” ask Diana locking her eyes with Ethan’s, the proximity of them made her heart skip a beat.

“I just got paged that radiology got a new f.M.R.I. machine and Chief Emery ordered me to test it out. As they didn’t done it yet,” said Ethan with a note of annoyance in his voice. “Can I use you as guinea pig?” asked he still holding her hand.

“You want to stick me in f.M.R.I. and scan my brains?” asked Diana, raising her eyebrow questioningly.

“It’ll be easy. I’ll simply ask you a few questions and see which part of your brains react.” smirked Ethan, playful glint sparkling in his blue eyes.

“Uhhhh, what... kind of questions?” hesitantly asked Diana, stepping away from him, while he took a step forward backing her to the wall the space between them electrified.

“If you are too afraid or want to keep your secrets, I alway can be yours guinea pig and you can scan my brain instead,” he said lowering his lips closer to her ear. The breath of air skimming along her sensitive skin, making Diana inhale sharply, the slight shiver running through her spine. “Please, I really need this machine up and running. Will you help me?” more seriously asked Ethan taking a step back.

“Okay, I... I’ll help you,” replied Diana finally. “And so you know, Doctor... I have nothing to be afraid and no secrets to keep.” she replied throwing at him daring glance.

“Excellent. Come with me then,” said Ethan turning around heading toward the imaging lab, Diana following him.

After couple of minutes they reached the lab entering it together, Ethan softly placing his hand on her lower back, leading her in. A shiny white f.M.R.I. machine dominates the room.

“I will need to give you an injection of the magnetic contrast media, before going to control room.” he said, before adding softly noticing how she shifted uneasily “Are you sure it is okay? If not I can be a guinea pig for you. It’s really fine with me in case you are afraid of injections or small spaces.”

“Dr. Ramsey, it’s really unnecessary to worry about me. I’ll get the gadolinium. And can you keep this?”

“Diana, I cannot help myself but do it,” he whispered in a quiet barely audible voice, taking a beautiful gold chain with a small star from her hands. Their fingers brushing slightly. “Ummmmm...” started Ethan watching Diana filling a syringe with the contrast metal. “You may want to take your shirt and bra,” he said, his eyes flickering to her blossom and his cheeks started to burn.

“Doctor, if you wanted to get me out of my clothes... you should only ask,” said Diana teasingly looking him deep into his eyes, holding out the syringe. Slowly she unbuttoned her shirt taking it off and placing on the chair behind Ethan, her hand brushing his. After a moment of hesitation, she turned around looking at him over her shoulder. “Doctor, can you help me with my bra?” he could feel the heat spreading through his body and his eyes slide over her petit frame. Slowly as through the dream he came closer to Diana standing behind her, his hot breath skimming over her bare skin sending a wave of shivers through her. Unhurriedly he started to unclasp her bra, his fingers lightly touching her skin lingering there for a moment longer. His breath caught deep in his throat when the lace material slid from her leaving her chest bare. He could feel how his body reacted instantly when she turned toward him, standing just a whisper away.” I’m ready,” she murmured, her face raised up and she stood unmoving in front of him, the double meaning of her words made him gulp audibly placing his hand flat against her lower back. She feel his breath skimming over her lips and his face moved closer, internal warring clearly written in his eyes. After another heartbeat and a moment of hesitation Diana took a deep breath unwillingly stepping back. She took a robe hanging on the wall putting it on to cover her nakedness.  After this she laid flat on the table waiting for Ethan to approach her.

Gently taking Diana’s hand in his he palpated the veins in her arm, their eyes meeting for a split second, before performing intravenous injection. After what disposed of the syringe and pressed the buttons on the machine. watching Diana’s table slide into the donut of the massive magnet enclosure.

Leaving the magnet room, Ethan went to the enclosed room sitting at the workstation, checking on Diana through the glass.

“Can you hear me alright?”

“Loud and clear.” Diana’s voice came through the speakers. “Probably even too loud.” added she after a moment.

“Sorry,” said Ethan quieter after adjusting the volume “Let’s then begin our first scan,” continued Ethan powering up the magnet. He could hear how the machine started to humming, cycling, clicking and buzzing from the next room. “Okay, so far your brains looks like a brain. So far, so good. Now let’s test the detection of the contrast media. I will ask you a set of questions, to see how different parts of your brains would react on them.”

“What kind of questions?” asked Diana, something in Ethan’s voice hold the promise that this may get interesting and this promise made her excited and scared at the same time.

“Am I making you worried?” questioned Ethan, his heart skipping a beat when the set of questions lined up in his brain. He took a deep breath knowing that no matter how much it would cost him, but he must know the truth.

“N..no, You can ask whatever you want,” replied Diana, taking a deep breath, ready for any questions to come. “I have nothing to hide.”

“Soooo, let’s begin,” said Ethan softly. “What does makes you happy?”

“I...,” started Diana her minds working overtime, before she calmed down a little her voice flowing gently through the speakers making Ethan’s heart beat faster. “The people who are surrounding me. Who care about me. Who makes me who I am. The people who can make me grounded, who go through thick and thin for me and with me. The people who no matter what are here for me. Who do everything to make sure I’m safe and happy.”

Ethan’s hearts skipped a beat and his eyes landed on the screen, watching how Diana’s hypothalamus glowed slightly. Before asking a next question he took a deep breath.

Here goes nothing. I need to ask this. Just in case. Thought Ethan looking back at Diana through the glass.

“Do you have feelings for Dr. Beckett Harrington?” asked Ethan holding his breath, eyes focused on the screen trying not to miss anything.

“Of course, I have feelings for him,” exclaimed Diana before realization of what exactly was asked sinked onto her and her eyes widen. A subtle unseen smirk spread her lips. “I have feelings of respect, admiration...”

“That’s not what I meant,” protested Ethan, feeling a notes of teasing in her respond.

“Oh... didn’t you?” said Diana, her smile widened before disappearing from her face. And Ethan could see how her hypothalamus lightened once again, noticing an emotional respond of her brains. “I know what you have asked. I have no romantic feelings for Beckett. He is great and amazing, but I never seen him like this. But he’ll always be a bit older and more responsible brother, not by blood, but by choice. He always was there for me, always protected me. Seen me in my worst and best moments. I just... I cannot see him more than my brother, he is more than a blood... he is family I chose. He and Oriana are my family.” she spoke passionately, emotionally and her brains were lit brightly with every word. After a moment she stopped to speak, finally breathing out.

“I... hmmmmm,” Ethan cleared his throat, readying himself to another, last question. He hold his breath, feeling how his heart started to race. “Are you... are you involved with anyone romantically?”

“Does the work counts?” asked Diana teasingly, knowing quite well this wasn’t an answer he was looking for.

“Definitely not.” replied Ethan with impatience lacing his voice.

“Not fair,” pouted Diana. “But if you really wants to know... For this machine test purposes, than no... I’m not involved with anyone romantically,” stated Diana not missing another second and Ethan’s heart skip a beat when he seen a slight orange glow of another part of Diana’s brains. She didn’t lied, this he knew for sure, but she also didn’t tell the whole truth what made Ethan wonder if Beckett was right and Diana would reciprocate his feelings willingly if he would make a first step. And now, at this moment he knew for a fact that even if she didn’t have been involved with anyone romantically, some part of her wanted to be. And a memory of this person gave the strongest impulse to her hippocampus. He could read it nice and clear, right in front of his eyes. And without any doubts left in him, he knew that the person she wanted to be with was him.

Everything finally clicked together, her flirting with him, the constant pull between them and every single gaze they shared. Without thinking twice he quickly powered down the machine and raised up returning to the magnet room. His heart picking up the pace, thundering uncontrollably when he pressed the button making table slide back from the enclosure and Diana appeared in front of him. They eyes locked. Gently he helped her up to her feet and without even thinking for a second longer pushed her against the f.M.R.I. machine locking their lips in a passionate, hungry kiss. The kiss they both have been waiting and craving for five years.

He slipped his hand under Diana’s thigh lifting her leg up and around his waist, pressing harder into her. His hands exploring her body under the robe groaning into their kiss. His tongue thrusting inside her mouth swirling around hers. Their kisses grew hungrier and harder leaving them breathless. Their hands grabbing onto each other with desperation making them want more. As through the fog they could hear a faint sound of pager coming from Ethan’s waist making them unwillingly break the kiss both breathing heavily.

Quickly Ethan looked at his pager before meeting Diana’s gaze again, his heart beating uncontrollably taking in her disheveled state, realising he probably didn’t look better. Running his hands through his hair he took a step back, his mind filled with panicking thoughts.

What have I done... How could I allow this to happen. No matter how I want it... want her. I’m still her superior. We shouldn’t. I can ruin her career. I probably already done. thought he backing away from Diana toward the door.

“I.... I should... Sorry, I need to go. You should put your clothes back on. Sorry,” mumbled Ethan placing his hand on the doorknob without turning around, closing the door behind him. While outside the room he took a deep breath fleeing towards Harper’s office leaving Diana behind, feeling both glorious and pissed off.

The rest of the day for Diana passed uneventful and it seemed that Ethan was trying to avoid her once again. During the day she was able to finally decide on patient’s treatment what already showed first sings of success. She was already on her way out of hospital, when suddenly her pager beeped. She could feel how her heart flipped with hope while her eyes landed on the display and disappointed sigh left her lips. Quickly she went back to the hall where all interns were gathered. Diana’s eyes browsing through the crowd looking for her best friend. After a moment her eyes landed on Beckett and she moved forward standing next to him.

“Hey, do you have any idea why Chief Emery gathered everyone there?” she asked quietly Beckett, watching him to shake his head worriedly.

“Not a slightest,” replied he looking at Harper Emery standing up front with Ethan, carefully listening for what she about to say.

“Some of you may have heard already, then In a couple weeks’ time, will be annual National Medical Symposium in Miami. From our hospital I appointed Dr. Ramsey to attend this conference this year. Along him the board decided to send two interns who are on the top of their class and also already show the brilliant results during their internship in that hospital,” spoke Harper sternly throwing a glance on a stunned looking Ethan.

“We didn’t discuss me taking anyone along. I’m not a babysitter,” hissed Ethan.

“It was board’s decision,” hissed in reply Harper, before clearing her throat to continue. “As I said we are sending two interns to gain some valuable insight into the industry and brighten their knowledge. This year along Dr. Ramsey, we will send… Dr. Haynes and Dr. Harrington. Congratulations on your success. Please come see me in the morning for more details.”

“Shit...,” cursed Ethan meeting the eyes of the two dumbfounded interns, who looked at him in shock. His heart thundering inside his chest.

That’s going to be a long, long weekend. He thought as he fled to his office. The three of us back in a hotel. Did Harper somehow find out about our history together? But if she did, why send us? She’s already suspicious of my interactions with Diana. This is why the board gets on my nerves, they do whatever the hell they want to.

Back in the atrium, Beckett and Diana stared at each other. “This isn’t happening.” He whispered. “There’s no way I can go and leave Oriana behind, especially while pregnant. I’m going to have to turn the opportunity down and…”

“Don’t you dare!” Diana whispered back harshly. “You can’t leave me alone with him in a different state for a weekend. He’s too wishy-washy and I’m sick of it. We’ll probably sleep together, and he’ll run off again, leaving me to fend for myself in a city I’ve never been to, all alone this time. Beckett, please, I can’t do this alone.”

“He wouldn’t do that again.” Beckett argued.

“Oh, right. I forgot. Lately he only does that after kissing me!” Diana began marching off.

“Wait!” Beckett caught her arm. “What are you talking about?”

She glared down the hall towards Ethan’s office. “I’m not talking about anything that hasn’t happened before. If you’re not going then neither am I.”

“Di…” Beckett tried to reason. “It’s a fantastic opportunity.”

She shrugged. “You’re right, it is. Too bad we’re not going.”

Beckett sighed heavily. “You’re being immature.”

“I’m being guarded.” She corrected.

“Why can’t you two just figure shit out? Diana, he may be sending all kinds of mixed signals, but it’s not as if you’re marching into his office right now to confront him about them. You’re just letting it continue. If he’s too high and mighty to admit his feelings freely, then you need to step up and make him. Or, I don’t know, tell him how you feel so he doesn’t have to guess either. You convinced Oriana, a complete stranger, to go on a date with me, a complete stranger to her. Where is that confident girl? The Diana I know would have approached him and nipped it in the butt already. Why are you dragging this out?” Beckett snapped.

“Because I love him!” She whispered frantically, before slapping a hand over her mouth, her eyes wide.

Beckett grabbed her hands, holding them tightly. “That’s your answer. Do you want to lose him because you never told him how you felt? That’s what would have happened with me and Ori if you never talked to her. I’ve already talked to Ethan, but apparently, he’s not as outgoing as my wife. If you can’t bring yourselves to talk to each other now, then this trip will force you to. And like it or not, Di, that’s what both of you need.”

“Still…I can’t do it on my own.” She murmured.

“You can and you will.” Beckett assured her. “Stop dancing around each other and face things head on. Neither of you are going to be able to move forward until that happens.”

“Why do you have to make so much sense all the damn time?” Diana muttered, throwing her hands up in defeat.

“It’s what I do.” Beckett smirked.

Diana eyed him thoughtfully, her eyes beginning to light up mischievously. “You know what, Beckett? You’ve given me an idea.”

He frowned. “I know that look. What are you doing.”

“Oh nothing. I have to go make a call, will you excuse me?”

“Diana!” He hissed, but she was already running into the nearest girls’ room. Shaking his head in frustration, he turned to go to the locker room. A few minutes later his phone buzzed with an incoming text. He pulled out his phone, seeing Oriana’s name flash on the screen.

Oriana: “Miami!!!! Beck, that’s amazing! I’m SO proud of you!! And Ethan suggested I come?? Omg, Beck, I’m so excited!!!! Please thank him for me!!!”

He groaned loudly, sinking down onto a bench. There’s no getting out of this now.

Tags: @annekebbphotography @gardeningourmet @zigortega4life @eileendannie @alesana45 @thequeenofcronuts @friedherringclodthing @mfackenthal @coffeebeandragon @drakewalker04

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[etherealwaifgoddess]

What He Wants (Pt. 8)

Main Characters: Bucky Barnes x Enhanced Reader

Summary:  On going series of Bucky getting his shit together and falling in love with you.

Warnings/ Content: A bit of angstiness but not a ton and it ends with a sweet moment.

Word Count: 1341

Author’s Note: Hi Lovelies! So our boy has agreed to back home with you, yay! Let’s get his butt up and moving, shall we? Also, I apologize for the angsty bit in this part, it honestly made my heart hurt writing the one bit. Not as bad as when he took off towards those terrorists in part six, but it still made all sorts of sad. You’ll know it when you get there. Or maybe not and I’m just WAY too attached to the characters in my head LOL.

If you missed the first few parts, you can read them here: One Two Three Four Five Six Seven

XOXO -Ash

What He Wants, Pt. 8

You’re as shocked by his concession as he is. “Okay.” You agree, finally breaking the contact. It had been more intimate than you intended and you shut down the twinges of desire that are flaring up. You return to your chair on the other side of his bed by the window and start making arrangements for him to travel back with you. Distracting yourself helps keep the shaggy haired soldier out of your mind for a moment so you can stop thinking about how handsome he looks sitting there all disheveled. It is beyond inappropriate but your body reacts to him in ways you had forgotten were possible. Damn hormones, you curse internally. 

Bucky is having his own set of problems while he tries to look around the room instead of staring at you like he wants to. You are a mystery to him, you could be so soft one minute and then bitingly sarcastic the next. You have a temper which amuses him, he loves watching the apples of your cheeks flush when you snap at him for something. Before the war he would have done everything he could to charm a girl like you. All soft, feminine curves, begging to be worshiped, and that long curly hair he just wants to get his hands wrapped up in. He stifles a groan and pulls his eyes away from you yet again. You are trying to help him, nothing more, he reminds himself. You work with sad, broken, charity cases every day and you are just trying to make him your next project. He doesn’t deserve to think about you the way he has been for the past ten minutes. You would never want a basket case like him around long term. He’d probably be out on his ass in a week once you get tired of him. It is worth a shot though. He isn’t ready to face the Avengers again and it is a tempting offer of help that might actually do some good. Steve had pushed him to go to therapy for years between missions but he was never willing to trust he’d have the same luck Steve did with talking about his problems. Some demons need to just stay buried. 

“Can I get you anything?” You ask him as you wrap up your message to Fury letting him know the change in travel plans. 

“Nah, I’m okay, doll. Actually, yeah. What should I call you? I know Minerva is just a SHIELD alias” 

You shake your head, you never use your name outside of your real life. “Nope, sorry Sergeant. You can call me Minnie like all my other friends.” 

“Minnie, like the mouse. I can’t see that fitting.”

“Blame Michaels for it.”

Bucky chuckles, “Okay, mouse, when do we leave?” 

Your body heats at the nickname, damn him for making it sound so intimate. “As long as you get discharged we can leave tomorrow. It’s a fourteen hour flight and we need to leave no later than noon. We’ll get into Philly around 8pm local time.” 

“Well, let’s get the doc then. Get me cleared to go.” 

You laugh lightly at his new found enthusiasm to go home with you. The sound hits Bucky in the chest like a grenade. He thinks it might be the most genuinely happy sound he’s ever heard. It’s pure like crystal bells and a deeply buried part of him wants to spend the rest of his life finding ways to have you keep making that sound. He fights to get himself under control, irritated you keep having an effect on him. You are out the door, off to find the doctor and he slaps his right hand against his forehead, trying to knock some sense into himself. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The doctor clears Bucky after running through the basic vitals and checking on the rapidly healing wound. His only stipulation is that Bucky keeps his weight off of it for a few days until it has fully healed over. He warns Bucky that despite the serum he still might have a slight limp and he’ll need to be careful not to push his body out of alignment by catering to it. 

The doctor is insistent on calling in two of the male nurses to help Bucky get up for the first time, just in case he falls. Bucky seethes with disapproval but he quickly realizes his right leg is completely useless for the time being. They give him a single crutch to tuck under his right arm and help support his weight. Relying on the crutch he hops a few steps forward with an awkward gait. 

“It’s going to take some getting used to.” The doctor warns him, “I want you up and taking a walk for a few minutes every hour until you leave. The more mobile you are the better. And you’ll need to get up once an hour on the plane to avoid blood clots.” 

Bucky just glares and grunts as he forces himself to hobble along. He hates the way your eyes looked at him so softly as he struggles to do something as simple as get himself to the bathroom. It is beyond demeaning and he feels like a complete disaster. Left arm missing, right leg useless for the time being, and his head all mixed up and fried from decades of ice and wiping. But he makes it to the bathroom and he slams the door behind him, needing a moment alone. Carefully lowering himself onto the closed lid of the toilet Bucky takes a bracing breath and finally lets himself break down. Tears flow endlessly, his shoulders shaking violently. It is all just too much. He shouldn’t be alive, he should be at peace with Steve and his ma and his sisters. But this world keeps pulling him back to fuck with him some more. He wants to believe in happily ever afters, but they weren't meant for guys like him. Slowly, he gathers himself back up, reigning in the burning in his chest and drying his eyes. 

When Bucky exits the bathroom the two male nurses are waiting to ensure he makes it safely back to his bed and you are standing at the edge of it, waiting for him with your endlessly patient expression. He shuffles back slowly, but manages to get himself situated without help. It is a small victory and he’s glad for it. 

You fight for control of your face, he doesn’t need to know the walls of the hospital are paper thin and you had heard every sob and sniffle he made. He especially didn’t need to know how those broken sounds had torn you apart limb by limb and it took every ounce of strength you had not to run to him. So you hand him his phone as if nothing is wrong and ask him casually what he is in the mood for, for dinner. The conversation is light and you’re determined to keep it that way. He deserves time to rest and relax, and you’re going to make sure he gets it.

It isn’t until late that night when he wakes up to catch you sleeping in the same wooden chair you’d been inhabiting all day that Bucky realizes you must have been staying with him since they’d brought him here. He wants you to have somewhere comfortable to rest, you don’t deserve to sleep awkwardly in a hard chair because of him. “Minnie” he whispers in the darkness. 

“Hmm?” You wake up groggy, “Whatcha need, Buck?” You mumble. 

No one but Steve had ever called him Buck but it sounds so perfect coming from your sleepy lips. “Why don’t ya go get in a real bed, doll? You can’t sleep there all night.”

“Hmm mmm. No. Not leaving you.” You protest sleepily. 

“Damn stubborn woman.” He grumbles.

“Stupid man.” You reply before slipping back to sleep. 

Bucky is irritated you’re staying in the chair but he is also exhausted and in the end sleep wins out. 

Tag List Lovelies: @my-current-fandom-is @amazonianbeauty @blacklightguidesnic @ladyemofhousestark @abswritesfandoms

[singledadchronicles]

It’s an Introduction

Hello All Who May Someday Stumble across the Tumblr,

This is going to be my introduction. First and foremost if you feel like reaching out, you can call me M. I am currently 28 years old, divorced, and have a young child. I was married for just short of 9 years to someone who told me on her way out that she wished we never would have gotten married at all, it ruined her life. I am going to post a lot of stuff on this blog that I won’t even tell my family about. Real feelings I have had, do have, and day to day thoughts. I’m not usually one for introspection but I do find that I need to be to move on with my life.

I am also going to try and stay away from talking badly about my ex-wife. I loved her and even if for what ever reason she didn’t love me back I won’t speak negatively about her. I promised that to myself so that my daughter will not think anything less of her mother. So that extends to here on the off chance that someday she grows up and stumbles across this blog and begins to read about her dear ol’ dad. 

I guess I can give some more information about me. I am from the Mid-West area of the United States of America. I am a Conservative leaning Libertarian. My blog will not deal with politics or anything in that realm so please don’t hold that against me. I am a veteran, having served just 20 days shy of my five year mark with the Worlds Greatest Navy, USN. I am a proud veteran and served with many great men and women during my time.

Better background now on why this blog will go on. I am a single dad. I know there are single dads who blog, vlog, tiktok, youtube, run websites, what ever. But I think for the most part my experience is unique. I married my wife when I was 19 years old, twenty two days after she graduated high school. She was 18, I was 19, and I knew from the first moment I kissed her that I was going to marry her. Maybe that was my mistake. We moved to the town where she would go to college and I worked for a pharmacy as a shift supervisor. Around September 2012, I was only making about $500-$600 a month and we couldn’t survive, I asked for a raise or to be trained for promotion two days before the company came out and said the max salary for a hourly employee was now only going to be $.50 more than what I was already making.

I was in a recruiters office the next day. My ex-wife and I were infatuated with one another. In March of 2013 I left for bootcamp and A-School. When I got my orders to my first duty station my ex left school and moved with me. She gave up her dream because I wanted to provide for my family. Of note, I begged for her to stay and complete her degree. Two years would seem like nothing if she could come to me with her degree and then we could both really work on careers we were enthralled with. She refused and moved. I don’t blame her or hold it against her, it is just what happened. 

I will be honest about myself too. I am not an easy man to deal with. When I get angry or upset I need time to cool down so that I don’t say something I do not mean or something in a hateful way that was not meant in that vain. My ex-wife however is a get the problem over quick  and get past it type personality so we clashed a lot. We NEVER laid a finger on each other. But we were not mentally good to one another. I can take my blame in that. I was a young guy and I did not have great control over my emotions. I still at 28 struggle (Part of putting this blog out here) to control my emotions. But through it all we fought for one another more than we fought with each other. 

We struggled for three years with infertility, we tried to be a if pregnancy happens it is meant to happen couple so no protection was ever used after we got married. We found out in early 2014 that my ex had PCOS. We fought that battle together. She took injections and we had to have a schedule of when the best time to have a baby was. After three failed attempts of IVF (We got pregnant once but the baby was not a “viable pregnancy” and we lost that embryo after 8 weeks) we took a break. Again we said if it was meant to happen it would happen.  So in late 2014 we told the doctor that we wanted to do an aggressive treatment, that this would be our last shot before we looked into adoption. IVF and infertitlity are much harder mentally than anything else and my ex and I were worn out. Thankfully that “Last ditch effort” paid off and my ex got pregnant. We welcomed my beautiful child into the world in 2015 and she has been the light of our lives sense.

In 2016 thought my own personal tragedy struck. On October 3rd of that year I was changing my child’s diaper at my parents house on leave from the Navy in between duty stations. I was transferring to a base close to home and was very excited. Suddenly I felt a pain in my stomach and asked my dad to take over the diaper change (he never changed grandbaby diapers) he saw something was up and jumped in as I took off for the restroom. I sat down on the toilet and next thing I knew I was on the floor of the bathroom looking up at my dad and he was asking if I needed an ambulance. My reply (according to my dad) “Yeah I think so cause I have no clue how I got down here”. I tried to get up but pain shot through my body again and next thing I knew I was surrounded by paramedics and they started to tell me to relax I was having a heart attack. To just keep breathing and that I was going to be fine. 

I waited in an emergency room for pain meds, so long that I apparently got so frustrated I snapped one of the handrails off the bed. They refused to give me pain meds because they thought I was just a junkie trying to get my fix (It’s in my charts that the refusal for medicine was because I was showing physical signs of being an addict). At the first hospital I was treated until midnight (approximately 15 hours) like I had pneumonia. The doctors could not figure out what was wrong with me. I was taken to an ICU as my oxygen levels dipped and it was at midnight that the doctor on staff looked at what is called a lipase level and saw that it was over 13,000 (Normal lipase for an adult male is between 40-50) and had me medevac’d to a different hospital so that I could be taken care of. 

What I actually had was Necrotizing Pancreatitis. Basically my pancreas was revolting against my body and trying to kill itself and take others with it. A massive revolt against my body. I remember only three things that happened next. Getting to the second hospital and having them not give me pain meds again until they assessed my situation, a doctor telling me that I could die and asking if I had a living will to take care of my wife and daughter, and that same doctor coming back and asking who had permission to make any calls on my behalf. The last part I raised my head what I could and pointed at my dad (who was with me this whole time) and my wife. They video recorded that so if anything happened they had evidence. 

I spent the next 14 days in a medically induced coma. When they finally brought me out of it it took 9 nurses and two doctors to take out my breathing tube because I was fighting them so much. I can say I spent 90 percent of the next year of my life in a hospital. I missed my child’s first birthday and barely got out of a hospital in time for their second. Also during 2016 my ex-wife’s mother was diagnosed with cervical cancer. So my ex was not only dealing with me being in and out of the hospital but also her mother. 

I’ll talk about her mother more in another blog post. She was an amazing woman.

It was at this time thought that I think my world really started to spiral. I was told I would no longer be able to serve in the military (right as I had really felt I was getting the hang of it and wanted it to be my career). My medical retirement took a little over a year to process and finalize and I was retired 20 days short of my five year mark in the Navy in 2018. That was the first time I felt really lost.

My ex-wife became an esthetician around this time and I became a stay at home dad. Anyone who knows me would tell you that this is not in my nature. Not that I don’t want to spend time with my child, but I have always seen myself as the provider, the patriarch, and the “Man of the house”. You may not like it but it was how I was raised and it’s a value I still hold.  Fuck off if you don’t like it.

So I started a management job at a retail company and whenever my ex wasn’t working I was. This was probably the start of the deterioration of our relationship. We started seeing one another just long enough to argue, eat, or have sex. It was one of the three, period, the end. We went on like this for a little under a year.

In December of 2019, 7 days before Christmas, as my ex and I woke up to go to school (we had moved back to where she had started college so she could finisher her degree and I could do my degree as well) she looked me in the eyes and said “I don’t love you anymore...I want a divorce.” At that moment I felt like it was out of nowhere. I yelled, I cursed, I felt betrayed, abandonded, and hopeless... I went to class, took my child to school, and for the next three days came home to a woman who didn’t want to be with me anymore and wasn’t willing to let me try and fix anything. She had made up her mind, and had a million reasons why. Her biggest being that she didn’t love me anymore and she couldn’t put her child through to parents pretending to play house.

Now here I am, 6 months post divorce (we separated the weekend before Christmas and our divorce was finalized the first of January), trying to figure out dating as my ex wife begins her plans to move in with her new boyfriend and start her new life. I am still single, still depressed, and still not over her. I’m trying to be, and my ex and I have an exact split schedule for our child. We probably have the most legit 50/50 custody of a child ever and that’s really nice.

This blog is to help me move on, to express my feelings somewhere, where I don’t have to be afraid of telling the truth about myself and what I am going through. This was the introduction of what could be a very fun experience for me. Lots of stories and even some more background to come. 

Thanks for Reading,

M

[celtics534]

I Don’t Care

Written for the SIYE “First Time” Challenge. Inspired by I Don’t Care by Ed Sheeran and Justin Bieber. A muggle AU where Harry and Ginny have never met.

Read on: FF.net, AO3, and SIYE

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“Come on, mate!” Seamus yelled over the chest-pounding music. “Stop being such a spanner.” 

  Harry glared at his Irish friend. “I told you I would come with you, not that I would enjoy myself.” 

  “But sitting in a corner is so --” Seamus made an obscure gesture with his hands. 

  “So ‘ Harry ’?” Harry supplied, giving his friend a sideways smile. He still couldn’t understand why Seamus had begged him to go to this damn party. Not once had Harry expressed any interest in going to a house party hosted by Dean (Seamus’ old school mate). Harry hated loud noises and really wasn’t that fond of people, which was why he always let Seamus lead any interviews they conducted during investigations. 

  Seamus just laughed, thumping Harry’s shoulder with his wide hand. “That’s right.” Across the room, a chant started as Dean chugged down his pint. Without a second glance at Harry, Seamus was gone, joining in the shout. 

  Harry felt himself relax. This was what he preferred when forced to be at a party -- being able to keep to himself. It wasn’t that he hated everyone... no, he just didn’t fit in with any of these people. He’d rather nurse his drink, hope that Seamus forgot he was here, and try to sneak out the back door rather than go anywhere near what they were calling a dance floor . 

  “Ah, I found my fellow party hater.” A voice spoke somewhere to his left. Harry turned to see an incredibly attractive redhead. He’d always had a thing for redheads, but this woman -- If Harry had been a cartoon character, his jaw would be on the floor. 

 The woman smiled at him, and even in the horrible blue and green lighting, Harry could see an adorable dimple near a cluster of freckles. 

  “Mind if I join you?” she asked, gesturing to the empty armchair beside him. 

  “Uh --” Harry mentally slapped himself. “Yeah, of course.” 

  The redhead sat down, taking a minute to settle herself before leaning forward and holding out her hand. “I’m Ginny.” 

  Harry shook it, surprised by the strong grip and calluses. “Harry.” 

  Ginny’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “Harry, like Harry Potter?” 

  Here we go , Harry internally groaned. People always looked at him differently once they knew his name. The fact that his parents had died taking down Britain's most notorious serial killer since Jack the Ripper was not something he wanted to be known for. Everyone knew about the son of Lily and James Potter, who had been left an orphan because of Tom Riddle. 

  “You and Ron had that midnight duel with Malfoy.” Ginny laughed. “Ron came home during the winter holidays and told me that story!”

  It took Harry a moment to realize what she’d said. “That stor -- yeah!” Harry felt his lips curve into a smile for the first time that night. “Yeah. It was great. We had fake swords that Ron threw aside to punch Malfoy in the nose. But how do you --” It was like a lightbulb went off as he connected the dots. “Ginny Weasley...as in Ron’s little sister?” 

  “Not my preferred title.” Ginny let out a little laugh. “But it’s true. Ron is my older brother.” 

  Harry had heard stories about Ron’s annoying little sister for years. She and her brother, Percy, had been accepted into a prestigious independent school while Ron the rest of the Weasley brothers had been in the same district as Harry. But surely this couldn’t be the “pain in the arse” sister. She seemed too… 

  “I feel like I already know you.” Ginny took a sip from her glass. “Between Ron and the twins. You’re famous!” 

  After only an hour of conversation, Harry felt Ginny was the most incredible person in the world. Not only was she beautiful, but she was also kind, considerate, and funny. 

  As the night turned into the early morning, Harry was unable to look away from her lips as she told amazing stories, wanting nothing more than to kiss them. He was never like this. When it came to women, he tended to admire from afar until he plucked up the nerve to give it a go and pitifully flirt with them. He was awkward on a good day, especially when it came to a beautiful woman.

  With Ginny, he was still awkward... but there were none of his normal flustered ramblings. He was talking with her smoothly, which in his book was close to a miracle. Because with a girl like Ginny Weasley, he should be on the floor in a floundering puddle. But Ginny… she was just so real . No one else in this damn house felt like that. Hell, he could count the number of people who felt like this on one hand. 

  "So, what did you do?" Harry had his face close to Ginny's under the pretense of hearing her, but really he was just enjoying what he assumed was her perfume. It was some sort of flower that he couldn't name, but God, it was one of the best things he'd ever smelled. 

  Ginny grinned as she shrugged nonchalantly. "I had to jump."  

  "So you just jumped off a cliff? Not even knowing how deep the water was?" 

  "It was that or be known as the team chicken."

  Harry shook his head, his smile reflecting hers. "And you couldn’t have that." 

  “That’s right.” Ginny laughed. “I knew they wouldn’t kill their new star striker.” She shrugged with a proud smirk on her lips. 

  “I would love to give cliff diving a go,” Harry mused, taking a swig from his bottle. 

  Ginny gave him an appraising look. “I could take you, see if you’ve got the bollocks to jump.” 

  “There are other ways for you to check that.” The words were out of Harry’s mouth before his brain could form a roadblock. “I -- I mean.” He started to splutter, something he’d impressively avoided up to that point. Fuck, that is not something you say to a mate’s sister, Harry!

  Instead of dumping her drink over his head, though, Ginny gave him a coy smile. “I’d be more than happy to conduct multiple tests, if you’re up for it.” 

  Harry’s brain short-circuited. He had no idea what was happening or where to go from there. He knew his mouth was hanging open, but he couldn’t seem to get his body to listen to any instructions.

  Ginny laughed.“But there are some first steps that need to be completed before we can test out my hypothesis.”

  “Which,” Harry cleared his throat, “Which steps are these?”

  “Oh, you know.” Ginny shrugged. “Dinner one night. Movie another. I’m not the kind of girl who skips the basics.” 

  “Dinner.” Harry let the word roll his tongue as if it was the first time he’d ever said it. “Dinner. Yeah -- um -- are you free tomorrow night?” 

  Ginny beamed at him. “Now I’m not.”

  Harry honestly couldn’t believe his own luck. Here was an incredible woman who wanted to go out with him, and not just for his name. “Great. I can pick you up at seven?” 

  “Seven sounds perfect.” Ginny pointed to his phone that had been sitting in front of him on the coffee table. “Can you unlock that?” 

  He did as he was told. Once the home page glared brightly at him, Ginny took the phone and started clicking buttons. After a minute she handed it back to him, with the screen displaying her contact information. 

  “Now.” She grabbed his beer and downed the remaining drink. “Shall we dance?”

  Harry’s brain was still lost in another universe (which might have explained his answer), but he managed to say, “Hell yes!” 

  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

  “I don’t care.” Seamus laughed, taking another large gulp from his cup. “Emma Watson is fit as fuck. And that’s just what I’d want to do if I’d meet her. She'd be the best shag of my life.”

  Harry snorted, which he could barely hear over the deafening music blaring throughout Dean’s house. Somehow, Seamus had convinced Harry to come to another party. It was all a blur in his mind how he agreed, but his girlfriend had said she would come too. Inexplicably, knowing Ginny was coming made everything better for Harry. Just the thought of Ginny coming to his rescue lessened the knots of anxiety in his stomach.

  Before Harry could give his mates a cheeky response, arms wrapped around his shoulders and warm breath surrounded his left ear. ���Hello, luv.”

  Harry twisted his neck to find himself enveloped in red hair. “Hello, Gin.”

  Ginny pressed a kiss to his lips. “Come with me to get a drink?”

  Without hesitation, Harry stood up. Seamus made a pointed gesture. “There he goes, lads! Leaving us to be with a bird.”

  Harry grinned at his mates. “She’s my own Emma Watson, can you blame me?”

  “She’s the best shag of your life?” Seamus asked with glee. Ron, however, groaned.

  “I don’t want to know, Harry.” Ron pointed his bottle at Harry. “I’m fine with you dating my sister, but I don’t want to know anything.”

  Harry didn’t speak, he just winked at Seamus who laughed and waved him away. “Don’t keep her waiting then!” 

  It took Harry a moment to make it through the crowd. His eyes were hyper-focused on Ginny’s long red hair. Finally, he reached her. She was pouring punch into a plastic cup. Harry bound his arms around her waist, letting his lips fall onto her neck. 

  Ginny tilted her head, allowing him better access. “If you keep this up, we won’t stay for our agreed hour.”

 Harry smiled into her skin. The previous night, while laying in his bed after an hour of not talking, Harry had complained about being stuck at parties for too long. Ginny had laughed and said they would only stick around for a few hours. Harry had then used some of his individualized negotiation tactics he saved only for her. In the end, he was able to shave three hours from their allotted party time and was able to have another hour of silence. 

  “Works by me.” Harry ran his tongue over a small cluster of freckles by her ear.

  Ginny’s breath hitched. “I’d hate to leave without saying hello to everyone” She put her freshly filled cup down on the table and twisted in his arms. Her mouth connected with his, and just like that, the loud music and people faded into nothing. The only thing that mattered was the way her fingers played with his messy waves and how her tongue worked with his. 

  “Then again.” Ginny pulled back, a coy smile on her slightly swollen lips. “I could make rounds and be ready to leave in fifteen.” 

  Harry kissed her again. He couldn’t believe that only a year ago she’d found him skulking in the corner of this very room, hating everything and everyone. She made him feel like he could deal with anything, all of the crowds, any bad nights that happened. 

  Harry shifted his attention from her mouth, up her jaw, stopping beside that cluster of freckles again. “Shall we dance, first?”

  Ginny let out a low laugh.”Hell yeah.”

[elegiacmarquise]

The Legend of Zelda: Stone of Paths: Main Characters and Introduction

Here we are the designs of the Link and Zelda from the concept of a fangame I’m creating: Stone of Paths, which it could be considered as a prequel of BOTW. Before I start, however, I do want to thank my friend g0thi-cr0c, who patiently helped me with the translation of the first messy draft: thank thank you a lot!

I’m really really sorry, true Zelda fans, if this AU is kinda inconsistent with canon: despite I tried to inform myself as best I can do, I’m aware there are something I’ve might be missed; therefore if you notice some continuity or even logical errors, tell me! As you may notice in the next lines, the following are the basics of the games: so I didn’t deepened some parts of the story nor the character, and if I can get some help from some enthusiasts, I can be more than happy! So criticism is more than accepted! Short Version (also known as tl;dr): Setted 10.500 years before BOTW main events, the quest of this incarnation of Link is to defeat a Ganon which split itself into the three (plus two after an event) timelines which started from Ocarina of Time. Starting from the northern of the Akkala Region during the Child Timeline, the Hero of Paths (initially a simple forester) will be helped by Cice, a fairy sent by Zelda to call Link, Tiusha, the daughter of the Gerudo Matriarch and Nanas, a Sheikah who discovered and passed a part of his life to study and develop the Sheikah Slate and its correlations with the Guide Stones. He will give Link the fruit of his studies in order to travel to other timelines. Even the Princess herself will help the hero, albeit her distant relationship with him: initially emotionally afflicted by a tragedy happened in the game’s beginning, she will slowly be aware of herself and unlocking Hylia’s powers. In the final dungeons her presence will be fundamental! ———————————————— Link, the Hero of Paths: the main protagonist of this game; he lives with his horse Epona in the village of Redleaf, northern Akkala: a zone particularly liked by wayfarers for its peculiar position between mountains and seaside. His job is to be a forester but often he helps his fellow villagers in their everyday duties. Gifted by a very good sense of orientation and sword skills, Link is already celebrated in his homeland, mostly for bravely protecting it by the countless monsters who usually scare the wayfarers during their wander. His adventure starts in the beginning of Autumn: the entire village of Redleaf was preparing to host the yearly Fall Festival, and since it was the period of the year which traditionally attracted most tourists, Link overworked himself to make surd the festival was going as best it could be. In the day the festival begun, a mysterious, horrific, creature suddenly appeared in the town nearly destroying it, causing both the tourists and the locals to run away. As soon as he could, Link took his wooden sword and fought the monster but was unexpectedly hit hard by the beast, leaving him nearly dead. In his uncertain state, he heard a muffled voice which tried desperately to tell him something he couldn’t distinguish. That voice vanished just after. Soon after, he was woken up by Cice, a little Fairy who took care of him. After the fairy presented herself as to be sent by Princess Zelda, who desperately tried to send him help with her weak telepathic powers. The magic being begged Link’s help in order to save Hyrule from the return of Ganon and his fellow army, promising him the safety of the village as well: when the forester accepted, Cice hurried Link and Epona to go to the Kokiri Forest, where the Master Sword was protected  and to defeat Ganon as soon as possible. In the woods, despite the Deku Tree and the Sword’s spirit agreed for the Hero to extract it, they both weren’t as sure as they were with the other Links: despite their awareness of the heroic nature of the Akkalan forester, they still had the sensation he was too weak to defeat this force, but didn’t know what exactly led them to these thoughts. They felt this incarnation of Ganon was really different, almost as he came from another world but at the same time they couldn’t prove it, so they preferred remaining quiet. With a new sword in the sheath, the hero ran towards Hyrule Castle, where he met Zelda for the first time a little before trying to defeat Ganon. Despite the weakness of her powers,Zelda still cared about his arrive, to the point to give him some of the best weapons in the castle. She also made her mother bless him, despite the queen being deeply worried about the lack of her daughter’s actual powers. But when Link managed to defeat the beast and everything was about to be restored into their original form, a dark force revived Ganon, allowing him to be even more powerful than he used to be; it destroyed the already corrupted castle, killing almost everyone who lived there at the sole impact, including the Queen of Hyrule. In the tragedy, during the escape from a falling castle, the Hero accidentally lost the Master Sword, but at the same time found the barely surviving body of Princess Zelda. Cice ordered the swordman to escort her to Kakariko Village, the birthace of her old nurse Impa; she the only surviving person who could cure her. After a troubled travel, they arrived to the village: surprisingly, Impa was already aware and prepared of their visit, having been advised by the late spirit of Zelda’s mother in dream. Without anything else to do, and shocked by the dispersion of his beloved villagers and failure of his heroic duties, the swordsman was requested by Impa to met Nanas, a Sheikah scientist. A former ambulant shopkeeper, he’s known for leaving behind his former life to do researches about a miraculous Stone (which will be called the Sheikah Stone terminal in BOTW). This stone can memorize some new information which can also be manipulated into runes; they afflict the surrounding world with the connection of a smaller rudimentary tablet made with an extremely rare material (also known as a first version of the Sheikah Slate we’ll see in BOTW). As Link first stepped into Nanas’ home, the stone glowed in a light Nanas didn’t ever see before, and automatically installed an unusual  rune the scientist remembered not programming: when activated, Link could see passages otherwise invisible which could lead him directly to the monsters Ganon sent through all Hyrule. The first passage he found brought, in spite of himself, to the first beast he met in a deserted Redleaf village. After finally destroying it,Link could open another secret passage which led him… in the same place. But something at the same time seemed to have changed: some of the buildings, or new faces which couldn’t recognize Link at all. As the hero remembered, they were preparing themselves to host a festivity; however, when asked about the Fall Festival, the people looked at him strangely and replied they actually were excited about the upcoming visit of King Horatio Casimir Hyrule. Between the greeting crowd, the King recognised Link instantly, deeply surprising the hero: as the King would tell him in a second moment, the true reason he visited such a far village was a Prophecy that has been handed down for centuries. It told a green dressed Hero would come from another Hyrule’s Land of Autumn at the time in which a single Princess Zelda existed in all the three timelines and introduced the Fallen Timeline. Unlike the other two parallel Hyrules, the people living in this one were generally aware of not being the only one. Added to the fact the King didn’t have a distinctive legacy since the premature death of his wife, he became slowly worried about the right time for the prophecy to happen, so he decided to go against the court’s will, both relieved and even more worried to be right about his encounter. In fact, both Link and Ganon would have to come at the same time; in order to prevent a total destruction in his land, the King explicitly asked Link to bring him the Zelda from his dimension, defeat Ganon and finally reunite both the timelines he was in, along with the third one. Therefore, after hearing the King’s request, Link and Cice went back to the Kakariko village in his world and told Impa, Zelda and Nanas about the three Hyrule timelines; they started their main quest, in order to find the Master Sword again and rebuild Link’s native village. Princess Zelda Telene Hyrule: the Princess of Hyrule and first female born in the Royal Family of Hyrule after 100 years, therefore a descendant of Hylia. For this reason, added to the possibility of an incoming menace, her concerned parents took the drastic decision to rarely let the Princess go out of the castle; this norm had become harsher after the premature death of her father when she was still a child. The Queen of Hyrule, who wanted to show the daughter the variety of the reign’s population and tey to make feel Zelda less alone, decided to bring in her castle some exponents of every Hyrulean race; and the child became particularly close with the Fairy Cice. Aside of her isolation, she spent a rather peaceful childhood. While she was already prepared to act as a proper princess and was raised in a peaceful period, Zelda was still worried about her future both as a queen and as a descendant of Hylia, fearing to disappoint her loving yet severe mother. Even at the beginning of her eighteenth year of life she couldn’t do anything aside from a weak power of telepathic speech she gained when she was a toddler. In an apparently normal day of her life, an huge malevolent entity possessed her castle, imprisoning almost everyone in it: the Hyrule army tried to defend from the beast but were mortally defeated. While the Queen and her daughter tried to think about a solution, Zelda decided to send a telepathic help appeal to everyone in the kingdom which only a comatose Link received. With both hope in her heart and worry about his safety, she asked Cice , the smallest being in her castle, therefore the most likely to pass unnoticed to Ganon, to reach for the hero and to cure him with a mixture of a medicine she prepared herself and the fairy’s own healing powers. She couldn’t do anything but revolving her prayers to the Goddess Hylia and searching for the best weapons in the castle, in order to give Link the best aid she could offer. Usually described as calm, imaginative and compassionate, this Zelda often shows the tendency to be overly obsessed by negative thoughts and guilt feelings, especially after almost her entire court was killed by Ganon. Despite her first encounter with Link in the castle was hopeful, she will close herself after the accident and feel useless to have not helped enough to avoid that tragedy. Spending most of her day in her room, she often asked herself the reasons she was gifted by such a weak power and why she wasn’t as powerful as her ancestors, trying to give herself an answer she couldn’t completely satisfy. She saw Link’s presence as the concrete incarnation of her own failures  to her duties as both a Princess and a descendant of Hylia; therefore,when he came back to Kakariko Village from his interdimensional travel, she preferred avoided directly talking to him, preferring being mediated by Impa instead. However, she was aware about the vicious circle which her behaviour could to her and the few people she could trust, so she took the wise yet difficult choice to restart a temporary new life and get used to the simple village life. Despite she was still emotionally overwhelmed by her beloved mother’s grief, she was strong enough to become Nanas’ assistant; while she offered him to do some smaller works for him, she slowly became fascinated by his researches. She also befriended Tiusha, a cheerful Gerudo girl who kept staying in Kakariko village after finding her ideal voe in Nanas. Despite her firstly avoiding behaviour, Zelda became progressively closer to Link as well: she was deeply displeased about the lack of help she offered him, but eventually apologized to Link in tears and was happily forgiven, keeping evolving herself further. Positively influenced by both Nanas’ brilliant mind and constant effort in what he does, by Tiusha’s optimistic yet powerful behaviour and by Link’s selflessness and courage, she slowly became more free by her negative thoughts and influence of her mother visiting the lands around Kakariko village for some research requested by Nanas. In order to travel safely and to reassure a worried Impa about her wellbeing as both a surrogate child and as a Princess, Zelda also restarted practicing archery and learnt some sword basics. However, the moment Zelda will remember the most was when another emotional crisis came: the sudden miss of her mother’s love and role model rapidly interrupted her slowly healing process. This time, however, something changed; her heart was instilled with her first wish, a spark of hope in her previously pessimistic mind-set: to visit the Spring of Power, the Spring of Courage and, lastly, the Spring of Wisdom. She was insecure about her mastery with the weapons, so she asked Link, who already had to go there in order to find the Master Sword, if he could escort her. When the green dressed hero accepted, they prepared themselves and left the village despite Nanas, Cice and Impa’s doubts. Acting as the third and last guide in the game, after Cice and Tiusha, her bond with Link intensified to the point of revealing him her past and her feelings when the swordsman escorted her and protected her from the monsters. When they arrived to the Spring of Power and defeated Ganon together, Zelda started to slowly regain Hylia’s powers, fully obtaining them as she arrived to the Spring of Wisdom. As she would tell Link and Cice, when she prayed at each Spring, she internally reached up a state of ecstasy and felt surrounded by a comforting light Link would only catch a small grasp of; she also heard the reassuring words of her mother, who told her she was proud of her progress and that she would be a great Queen to Hyrule . Lastly she saw a beautiful and mysterious woman who kissed her right hand without saying anything. Back in her world, a Triforce jewel in her gown appeared. She felt for the first time in full peace with herself, as she felt her telepathy power improving and other abilities unlocking. As she progressively gained her powers, her help was crucial during in the resolution of the last few dungeons, and her intervention (as King Horatio hoped) was crucial to reunite each Hyrule into an united big reign. Along with Tiusha, Cice and Nanas’ technology,she participated in the final battle with a dimension-merged Ganon, the most dangerous Hyrule ever witnessed; her godly abilities,united with Link’s skills and Master Sword (merged from the three dimensions by Hyrule’s unification) managed to defeat and seal it.   This incarnation of the dimension-merged Ganon, however, lasted for 500 years until it became more intelligent and powerful: its freeing became the Calamity Ganon whose legend was narrated in Breath of the Wild. At the end of the adventure, despite facing up a first politically difficult period, Zelda was crowned as Hyrule’s Queen and her wisdom and diplomacy were loved by her subjects; it’s hinted in the game’s credits she visited the Redleaf village to speak again with a Link who implicitly accepted to marry her. Their children’s progenie after 10.500 years will give the birth to King Rhoam,and then to the Zelda of Breath of the Wild. Nanas’ discoveries and research, already known and developed by a small elite of Sheikah people Link would meet into his journey, were made famous by Zelda’s narration of the events: even more people were interested in his technology and his very first uses of the terminals and the Sheikah tablet, to the point they developed them for more uses, just as the future Sheikah Towers and Shrines. King Horatius from the Fallen Timeline abdicated the throne in favour of the owner of the Triforce and willingly dedicated himself to help the now Queen Zelda as her political adviser. Thanks to their resourceful knowledge about politics, as well as Hyrule’s cultures and timelines, their governing guidelines were useful to keep the Reign in peace for 500 years. Thank you a lot for reading! I hope you’ll like it:3

So… I happened to be more into Zelda.

After my initial skepticism due to its high praise from both critique and pubblic, I finally brought Breath of the wild, which it’s revealed to be the best decision I did in a while: I loved that post-apocalyptic setting, that ruins, the charm of villages and characters blended with a fun gameplay and the fitting music! *v*

I also loved the characters and the sparse storytelling, and even the Zelda herself, to which I never really was a fan due to her kinda aggressive behavior and unfitting character design, she has still a lot of interesting and relatable parts! I especially like how she struggles to do her duties and her difficult relationship with her father. I didn’t like however, how fastly and suddenly she got her powers.

I’m looking forward to buy even more game from this saga, despite I still like Mario and Pikmin better, maybe starting from Skyward Sword, which has such an intriguing plot.

[svntlago-blog]

what’s up y’all, i’m emily ! i’m 21, use she/her pronouns, and i hail from the est timezone ! i’m incredibly pumped to be here, but enough about me — time to introduce this absolute unit of a dumbass, charlie. i was gonna do a real bio, but being lazy is a lifestyle so i’m just gonna attempt to do a summary for y’all instead. buckle up pals !

(  sean teale  /  cismale  /  he/him  )  .  introducing charlie santiago, the host for the connard . they’ll be twenty seven years old , and arrived at hartly one month ago . you’ll always see brass knuckles around wherever he is . 

trigger warnings for maternal death, implied child abuse, incarceration, and mentions of alcoholism and drugs.

hello and welcome to a happy childhood, soon to be ruined !

his dad ran out on his mom when she was still pregnant with him, but the two of them were peas in a pod when he was born and he was such a mama’s boy; some of his most cherished memories were when they would cook meals together, experimenting and all that bc once upon a time she wanted to be a chef and basically ? it was precious.

she died tho sry

eleven year old charlie was shipped off to his mom’s brother, a hard-drinking ex-cop named tony with nothing better to do than take out his frustrations on a kid he never wanted in the first place.

one thing his uncle did love, though, was boxing. charlie was dragged along with him to the local gym nearly every day, watching the guys train and listening on as his uncle offered pointers and encouragement to the fighters.

eventually, charlie found himself in his own pair of boxing gloves, participating in scaled-down training of his own, and he loved it.

after high school, he threw himself into training even harder, knowing that his ultimate goal was to pursue boxing professionally.

making it was the most incredible feeling, and charlie was on top of the world — he was undefeated, raking in cash, and rising as an up-and-coming name in the boxing world.

at least, he was, until a substantial amount of cocaine was found in his bag one night.

it didn’t matter how much he protested that it wasn’t his — charlie was charged, tried, and wrongfully convicted of possession of a controlled substance. he spent over a year locked in a jail cell until he was released, but he spent the whole time keeping himself in shape, provoking fights if only for the practice, and letting his rage simmer until he could get the hell out of dodge.

three days after he was released from prison, the outbreak started. talk about shit timing am i right lmao

he waded through zombieland alone, struggling with the abrupt transition from jail to outside to apocalypse but managing to keep himself alive.

two weeks after the outbreak, charlie found an abandoned german shepherd on the side of the road. he took in the stray, naming her lola and nursing her back to health. she now follows him everywhere, and the two are fiercely protective of each other.

he mainly kept to himself, avoiding big settlements at first until everything had a chance to settle ( at least a bit ). he stumbled upon hartly about a month ago, and decided it was time to finally be around someone other than lola for once.

as for personality, he’s kind of a dick ngl, in day to day interactions he’s curt and rude and usually looking for a fight. deep deep deep down, he’s actually very soft and kind, but he’s learned better over the years than to expose that soft underbelly to people.

that’s all ?? for now ?? lbh i probs missed smth but oh well

wanted connections !

surrogate sibling — he never had a sibling but like ? he should’ve. these two would probably bicker to no end, but charlie would be incredibly overprotective and really want the best for this person ( the best = not getting eaten by a zombie, ideally ). he puts on such a front for the rest of the world that i want someone that he genuinely cares for !!

ride or die / best friend — i beg

opposites — he is dumb and angry and mean so let’s rope a nice lil bean into putting up with his bullshit ! who knows if there are any nice lil beans left in the zombie apocalypse, but if there are, i’d love to subject them to charlie’s particular brand of jackass.

confidant — charlie would rather die than talk about all his mushy feelings, but even assholes need someone to trust with deep shit and good gossip !

fwb / fling — tbh, he basically only cares about his dog, but a guy’s got needs, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ fuck the apocalypse am i right ? this is open to all genders !

exes — like, pre outbreak maybe ?? charlie is still a hot mess. could’ve ended well, could’ve ended badly – we can connect the dots together.

suspicions — for whatever reason, charlie doesn’t trust this person. maybe they’re acting shady ( in his opinion ), maybe they didn’t trust him first, whatever. there’s tension, and in a world full of zombies, that can be bad for business.

enemy — charlie is fucking annoying so i imagine he’s got some of these. enemies are an especially dangerous thing to have when you’re already dealing with being attacked by zombies, so i think this would be an fun take on what happens when “humans vs. zombies” becomes “humans vs. humans”.  

in conclusion plot with me xoxo my discord is emily#8589 or hit that heart and i’ll come to u !

[spawnofloki2-blog]

Story

    Okay so I wrote this to go along with a Role play me and my friend do. I'm probably going to go back and fix it but this is the first draft. So basically the main character's (Phoenix) best friend commited suicide (Storm) and this is the aftermath of that.

Her tears stained her now pale skin. They had become a shallow white over the days from her starving and withholding sleep from herself. She tiredly continued to wrap the rope around the loop, making a sloppy noose. But she couldn’t bring herself to hang it up, she didn’t want to go out like he did, no this was going to be special she told herself.

    She made her bed, smoothing down all the wrinkles. A bag of bitter almonds lay on her desk, begging to be opened. “Two to six almonds contain enough cyanide to kill a person.” She quietly whispered to herself, or so she thought. What she wasn’t aware of was a being glancing at her from the shadows. She had known the man when she was younger she called him Mr. Shadow Man, but now that she was older she had stopped believing in her so called “imaginary” friend.

    Phoenix was about to grab a handful of her last meal when there was a knock on her door. She was scared of the person entering her room and seeing her trying to kill herself. Luckily they didn’t turn the door knob.

    “Hey kiddo?” The oddly quiet voice of her father called through the door.

    She shuddered and tears streamed down her face, she evened her voice to not give her father a reason to worry about her. “Yeah?”

    “The Fernandez’s and Redfox’s are here, just wanted to let you know in case you wanted to see them.” He held back a cry. He had been helplessly watching his little girl suffer with the pain of her friend leaving her. He had known the pain of Igneel leaving but he knew that he was alive.

    “Okay, tell them that I say hi.” She softly spoke.

    Natsu nodded lightly, “It’ll be okay Phoenix.” he eagerly waited for her answer.

    “I know dad.” Natsu walked away and went to visit with his guests.

    Phoenix instantly took a handful of almonds and ate them all at once. She wanted to make sure that she wouldn’t wake up again. If Storm could quit why couldn’t she? The room began to spin and she had to grip onto the edge of her desk. Her hand wandered for a cup, a cup she ended up knocking over.

    “Hello? Phoenix?” It was Seevo.

    Thump. Thump.

    “C’mon pyro, we want to help.” This one was Coal.

    Thump. Thump.

    “Just let us in already.” Erikson.

    Thump. Thump. Thump-

    Her body fell to the ground, suddenly exhausted. The three men heard this and opened the door, their own hearts racing. Coal knelt by her and sat her limp body up, hoping she had just fell asleep. The son of Gajeel walked around the room, something made him question what had happened. It wasn’t until he saw the bag of almonds that he knew what had happened.

    “Fucking idiot!” he growled. Seevo looked over at him, a look of fear and uncertainty. As Erikson displayed the bag to the others the only sound was the hollow groans coming from Phoenix.

    Within a moment they were on their feet thundering down the steps. They ran past their parents and Coal grabbed his keys off the coat rack. Coal tossed the keys to the Redfox as he slid over the black car. Coal took the back seat and kept holding on to his dying sister. The key was thrust into the ignition and the purple haired boy had just enough time to climb into the old car before they sped out of the driveway.

    Like something out of an action movie the car flew over bumps and sped down the road. Seevo had decided to call his mother, Erza, and explain what had happened. All of the adults scrambled to their vehicles and drove to the hospital.

    "C'mon sis, don't you dare leave me too." The blonde quietly whispered as he rubbed her head.

    Erikson hit the wheel in frustration, "First Storm, now the Pinky, who is gonna die next?" he roared. "Me?! Seevo?! Oh I know, it'll be your mom Coal!"

    "Why would you say that?" Coal squealed, warm tears fell from his eyes.

    "Would you two please stop yelling? We need to get to the- ERIKSON STOP THE-"

    While the blackhaired dragon slayer was talking to his comrade he had failed to notice the light in front of him had turned red. A big white van had rammed into the side of the car and they all jostled from nothing restraining them to their seats.

    The airbag saved the two boys up front, but the same couldn't be said for the other two. Coal was slammed against the side of the door, giving him a concussion. Phoenix's slow heart rate continued to fade, the poison absorbing into her blood.

    The boys quickly got out of the car and ran to the hospital. They burst through the emergency door of the quiet hospital. Nurses stopped and looked at three teenage boys that had entered.

    "Please help! She poisoned herself!" Coal wheezed. The nurses hurried over and set her in one of the hospital rooms. The boys were ushered out of the room, even though none of them wanted to wait helplessly in the waiting room.

    The nurses hurried to get her vitals which were dangerously low. The doctor had ran in with the tool that would be used to save her life. They were pumping the cyanide out of her system when the monitor flatlined. Her head lolled back as she shuddered her final breath.

    It was at this time that the parents had arrived at the hospital, hugging their children. The Dragneels had managed to get to the hall. Doctors wheeled a new machine into the young girl's room, one that had two paddles hooked with wires. 

    Even though the environment around them was bustling with noise and fear, it was muted to the Dragneel family. People in the hall had to hold back the two men and Lucy fell to the ground sobbing. Natsu and Coal tried to break through the wall of people, but they had no prevail.

    Clear!

    It was dark and warm, fire creeping up the brimstone walls. She had heard of places much similar to this in the horror novels she read.

    Clear!

    She kept turning around, trying to find a way out. She saw a dark figure of a man, "What's going on? Where am I?!" She desperately asked the figure.

    After trying for what seemed like hours, Coal, Natsu, and Lucy made it to her room. They all stopped, not wanting to believe the sight in front of them.

    The figure disappeared. "No! Wait!" She ran over to the spot in which it had once stood. Warm tears ran down her cheeks, she wished she had never eaten those almonds. She felt a cold hand grasp her shoulder.

    The doctors looked at one another then logged the time, the time of death. The pink haired father pushed aside the nurses and knelt by his daughter's lifeless corpse. He grabbed her hand and sobbed. He never wanted to see his little girl leave him again, not after all that had happened to him and their family.

    She turned around and saw an extremely tall man. He had pale skin with quite a few scars and tattoos. His arm and leg had been replaced with ice replicas, and his eyes were as cold as ice. She tried to scream but couldn't make any noise, she was too terrified. The man had a scar that ran over his eye with a line underneath it, identical to… Storm's.

    The medical professionals in the room made the mistake of trying to escort them out. Coal had yelled at them, screamed at them practically. They left for the family to grieve, closing the door behind them. 

    "Please, don't do this. You can't do this!" Lucy sobbed as she clung onto her husband.

    Phoenix screamed as the man got closer to her, confusion clouded his eyes. She backed up and began to run, but it seemed she couldn't escape the place she was in. "Please! I want to go home!" She yelled.

    The family slowly got up, knowing that they could do nothing more. She was gone, and nothing was going to change that, they all thought. The parents left, hugging each other and sobbing over their lost child, but Coal however lingered in the doorway.

     He looked down, his hair fell in front of his red puffy eyes. He wasn't sure how he was going to survive now, knowing that his sister was gone. He turned and took a step out, but stopped when he heard something.

    He thought he heard his little sister say something, but his ears had to be playing a trick on him, right? He turned around to prove to himself that it was nothing but a figment of his imagination, but was startled by the heart monitor's abrupt beep.

    His own heart rate increased as he saw the monitor's line spike slowly. No, that's impossible. He told himself. She's dead! But the beeping became steadier, picking up on a heartbeat.

    Outside the room the rest of the party had became aware of the passing of the thirteen year old Dragneel daughter. They solemnly traveled to the room to say goodbye one last time but were greeted with her teenage brother right next to her crying.

    "She's alive!" He cried, tears streaming down his face.