#it took me forever bc i had to write a completely new tumblr skin

[quicktimeeventfull]

btw if you are making workskins for ao3 you can apply display:none to classes to hide content from users with creator’s style on but display it to users with creator’s style off. this allows you to make notes about important content that is only visible with CSS on. display: none hides content from screenreaders as well as from visual displays. it works like this: .hide { display: none; } <div class=“hide”>hidden content</hide>

[cornbake]

Shattered Pieces | Prologue

I normally don’t make posts on this blog but like I’m sad and I do what I want so fuck you. I am very upset about the final and the death of Mollymauk. At first I tried to keep everything cannon compliant but now I’m saying fuck it. I will say this one time and one time only. DO NOT tell me I am in denial, or anything among those lines. I do not need to hear that. Criticize the work all you want but if I see one person telling me or anyone that “Oh but we have Kingsly”, “You don’t need to write this it’s been fixed”, or “Stop crying it happen X amount of years ago” I do not want to see that. Bc A) no, fuck Kingsly. It might be because I am VERY emotional rn but no. Kingsly is not Mollymauk. I understand that coming out of what had happened would greatly effect a person but King? He’s an imposter in my eyes and I just can’t except that. Now as for the story. It’s on three platforms now. Here, Wattpad, and AO3. Wattpad and AO3 have all the chapters I have currently completed, as for Tumblr I will be rereading the chapters to proof read them before I upload them here. WARNING:  This book contains. Spoilers for the Second Critical Role Campaign, Violence, Swearing, Death, Me venting, and other things which will be stated when need be. ____________________________________________________________ This darkness was comforting, it was similar to a dreamless slumber, yet, he knew he wasn't asleep. Sleep wasn't this... permanent. It wasn't this cold, wasn't this... lonely. Although, it seemed oddly familiar to him; as if this wasn't the first time this had happened. It confused him, he couldn't seem to understand what was happening or what was going on. In fact, he couldn't seem to remember... Who was he? Where was he? Why was he here? Where was here? He had to pause as all the thoughts were straining and were starting to give him a slight headache. He tried to calm himself as to subdue the oncoming growing ache yet he couldn't seem to move. Or breathe for that matter. He began to become overwhelmed and freak out by this situation. He looked around and tried to desperately cry out. Nothing seemed to change. He was simply a conscious mind floating within this forever abyss of darkness. He was powerless to this world without any knowledge of time or state of being. He wanted out of this dreamless sleep, he wanted to think again. To remember who he was, to remember anything about him. Who was he? He looked around him, the darkness consuming him slowly, he could feel himself slipping away into the unknown. He wanted something different than what the void was claiming as its own. Memories. He wanted to remember. He wanted to know how he got here. He let his mind wander, yet no matter where it went it would hit a dead end. Nothing he did was getting him closer to understanding what was happening, or why it was happening. He wanted it to stop and be free. The more he let his mind wander, the more he became frustrated and more he yearned to be freed from this prison he was confined to. He snarled and growled, if he had a body he would be thrashing and throwing a tantrum. He didn't want to give up, something was telling him not to. Yet all the signs pointed to him being stuck here for as long as the clockless time ticked away. He had stopped. Stopped thinking and thrashing his bodiless form.  The headache returned to his mind which had been the cause of him stopping his search. He quieted his mind and just let the silences of the black void slowly take him. It was consuming, and that frightened him. He didn't want to let the darkness take him, he knew that would be counterproductive to what he wanted in his reach, whatever that might be. He listened to the emptiness around him, until he heard a noise. One outside of his constant thoughts. He perked up upon experiencing something new. He stayed quiet once more to listen. CAW! There it was again! His headache started to kick up again. He was headed in the right direction...Finally a way out of this mess...He tried to reach out towards the noise and call back to it. Nothing...His mind ached as his longing grew. The pain almost becoming unbearable, but he knew it was worth it when he spotted something different from the eternal darkness. A faint glow of red. It was subtle and he almost overlooked it in his reach for the noise that was now nowhere to be heard. He started to make his way over to the light. The closer he got the brighter the little glow got. His senses started to return, he could hear the pounding of bare feet, the heavy breathing of a man, the wind passing him as he ran, closer and closer. He reached out to grab the source of light, he could see an arm, reaching where he would be reaching. It was bare, it shown red with the light but he could make out its original color to be a lavender purple. He reached further still, strings of what he could now make out to be hair flew in his face. He took his outreached hand and moved them out of the way. He could feel pointed ears poke out and he felt hard forces growing out of the top of his head. He ran further still, not giving up. He got closer yet fell face flat into the ground as he tripped over something. He rolled to his back to see a long thin limb being formed, he watched it grow for a little before picking himself up and dashing after the only source of light he had. He was determined to reach it, he had to reach it. The sound of jingling reach his ears and he felt chains hang from his horns and ears, as the cloths on him slightly clinging as well. His body begins to sting as he watched his arms come to life with ink. He watched as a serpent coiled around one of his arms as its eye glowed red. He could feel every detail of the ink being placed onto his body. He couldn't tell what they were or their meaning but he didn't have time to dwell on it. The next stinging pain was different, it wasn't like the ink lines that now decorated his purple skin. It was a sharp, painful, sting, and it didn't leave. He felt another one cut into him, he winced and staggered to a halt. He reached a hand up to feel where the pain had came from only to feel a hot liquid oozing out of the sharp gash in his skin, he looked at his hand and saw dark crimson. Blood. He looked to the fading light and quicken his pace from before, his time was running out. He felt the sharp cuts slice into his flesh even more now, some more deadly than others yet those seemed to fade after a while. He was almost at the light with his arm outreached once more when he felt one final pain. It came from his chest and was by far the worst pain he had felt out of the lot of them. He fell, his eyes falling half-lidded as he did, he couldn't see what was going on, all he could sense was the white-hot pain that emanated from his chest. He was limp as the world slowed for him, his outstretched hand in reach for the blight yet dimly lit object, his eyes closed shut as he readied himself to get pulled into the darkness once more. When he felt it. A mostly smooth stone. He could feel the cracks from the bottom of the object and the slight warmth it gave off as he held it. He felt at peace, as he curled around the object the pain slowly faded. He had done it. He won.... ??? Male Tiefling Blood Hunter 5 1/59 HP Next>>

[thoseofgreatambition]

new life

anon: Call It What You Want and Ginny Weasley maybe? Thank you!

“My Her castle crumbled overnight.” 

“I’m doing better than I ever was.”

@lovelaughlivesmilebright: Maybe This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things and Ginny Weasley?

“I’m locking the gates.”

anon: style (i think that’s what it’s called?) and ginny (lesbian relationship)

“It’s been a while since I have even heard from you.” 

pairing: ginny x reader

warnings: none

word count: 936

a/n: this took forever!!! I’m sorry for it! I just love this idea, i don’t think I’ve gotten ginny x reader before, and with three prompts I wanted to chose the right plot to make it all work right. thank you for being so patient! I bet some people would have gone the “her family wasn’t supportive route” but honestly as a queer girl it hurts too much to write that so here we are. ALSO FRED LIVES BC I AM THE AUTHOR AND I SAY SO. some of these quotes were a stretch. I apologize for that. 

Ginny had gone almost completely underground after the war. She and Harry had done a bit of dating and realized that it wouldn’t work out-- a completely mutual thing. 

She’d been confused why-- she and Harry got on well, they were good companions and had fun, but after a few months of looking inward she’d realized that she was only attracted to other women. 

Which made a lot of things make much more sense. 

Her family-- especially the twins had been supportive, which was a blessing, but Ginny still didn’t feel right. She’d had a whole life planned for after the war, and now it felt like everything had changed. 

This wasn’t a bad thing. 

It really wasn’t-- but she was quite curious as to how the hell she had taken so long to figure this out. 

So here she was-- in a little cottage in Wales, using the money she’d scrapped together after being accepted onto the Holywood Harpies’ team to find her own place. Her mother kept talking about how much she missed her, but honestly?

Ginny had spent so much time surrounded by people, being a leader, trying to do what was right and fight the wrong that it felt like she’d never let herself be herself. 

She wasn’t even sure who Ginny was sometimes. Ginny was known as this fierce girl who would fight for justice tooth and nail. That was still true. If the war revved up again she would be on the frontlines. 

But the war was over-- and she needed to know who she was besides all of that. 

Then there was you. The girl who had arguably shaken up the foundation of her entire life just by flouncing into it. 

Her castle had, effectively, crumbled over night. 

You’d fallen in love with Ginny Weasley. 

You’d been in love with her for a rather long time-- since your third year of school, but had made yourself content on dating other people. When you were younger, you’d believed her to be straight-- just like she had, and telling her how you felt just didn’t feel worth it. 

Now though-- she’d come out to you as a lesbian, and you weren’t sure what to do. Ginny had isolated herself quite a bit. You didn’t know if it was because of the war or because she was trying to figure out what the hell she was doing but it meant that your best friend rarely saw you anymore, and love or not it was getting under your nerves. 

You strode through her front garden, locking the gates to her garden before staring at the edifice of her home. There was a deep breath sucked in, the cool air filling your lungs as you walked to her door and opened it, not bothering to knock. You two were far beyond that. “Ginny. It’s me.” 

“Y/N?” you scowled a bit, as she sounded almost annoyed at your voice. 

The hell was going on? “It’s been a while.” 

She turned round the corner and you found yourself staring eye to eye with your best friend and the love of your life. “A while since what?” 

“Since I have even heard from you!” you bristled, taking a step towards her. “You’ve been hiding away for months! Your family’s worried about you, I’m worried about you, everyone is worried about you!”

“I’m not hurting anyone! I just want to be alone for once.” was it so wrong to just want a bit of time to herself to figure things out? 

Your scowl only grew, “Really? You’re not hurting anyone? Seeing your family only a few times a month isn’t hurting anyone? Not answering letters isn’t hurting anyone? Making yourself into a hermit isn’t hurting anyone?”

“I’m doing better than I ever was!”

“Without us?” she flinched, and you took another step forward. “What is happening?”

Ginny faltered for one of the first times since you’d met her, and you found yourself looking at the same girl you’d met so many years before right before you got sorted. Someone who wasn’t sure what was happening. “I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing now. I spent so long fighting... now there’s no fight.” 

Your shoulders slumped and you let out a sigh. “You could have told us that. Everyone would have understood.” 

“That’s not what they expect from me.”

“Who gives a shit? You literally led an underground movement during our sixth year. People have stopped expecting you to do what they expect a long time ago.” 

That brought the smallest smile to her lips. You reached out and brought your friend into a tight hug. “I get wanting space. But there’s too much space, Gin. And this is too much space.” 

She burrowed her face into the crook of your neck and breathed in your scent. It smelled like home. “I’ve missed you.” 

There was a little bit of a hitch in your breath as you felt her lips ghost across your skin as she spoke. “Gin?” 

You really weren’t sure what was happening until you felt her pull away just a bit to press her lips into yours and you were immediately overwhelmed at the softness of it all. How warm everything was. Your hands threaded through her hair as you strode a bit backward until she had you pressed against the wall. 

When you two finally broke apart she pressed her forehead against yours, “I’m in love with you.” 

Your lips twitched into a smile, unbelievably happy at your good luck.”I love you too. Now come home.” 

“I am home, though.”

PERMANENT TAG LIST

@vanityasvoriaclover @whyarentyoulaughingj @fainting-fancy @hermione-who @rexster10 @oh-the-snowinthemoonlight @blusnowflakee @notstandingstill-imlyinginwait @thephelpstwins @l-am-tired @dramatic-and-young

TUMBLR WONT LET ME TAG PEOPLE WTF TUMBLR

[shytiff]

Small July Wins

1 - atikah and racheel came over, oa webinar (rheumatology), duolingo (DL)

2 - they ended up sleeping over, DL, "attended" pak Kus' webinar just becausee hes my skripsi advisor

3 - a page of padi cbt, idai webinar (respiratory disease in covid era), DL

4 - ran 3 laps in my house complex (afterwards my heart was pounding against my chest), hopecardis webinar (arrythmia), DL

5 - 1 ma article (moluskum kontagiosum), perkani webinar (congenital heart disease), DL

6 - DL, idai webinar (pregnancy and newborn stuff in covid era), put sheet mask on lol i neglect my face a lot lately

7 - accompanied juan with mom to perbanas institute for sbmptn, while waiting we went to lucky cat and imeri to get apd, picked up juan, went to social pot (kokas) afterwards, DL. Lucky cat was empty, the vibes of a cafe felt new to me (it surely has been a while). I felt super refreshed. Did some writing for ma article there. Tried salmon and black olive spaghetti, caesar salad, mom drank piccolo. The spaghetti kinda tasted like mi telor but with salmon lol. Talked and laughed plenty with mom :) i rarely talk with her nowadays. Im glad the awkwardness melted away

8 - videocalled with apa salahku for gaby's birthday, zoom for school prep (covid safety stuff), a bit of cbt padi, DL

9 - negative rapid test alhamdulillah, fk digital (kejang anak), cbt padi, DL

10 - some exercise, talked with shiko on zoom, DL, aand since i started padi CBT i finished 2 tryouts (150 questions). It’s not a lot but Im proud of myself :)

11 - went to tj duren with ara, but while we wait the n95 seller we went to citraland, tried fried salmon roll at shigeru, ended up meeting the guy at cl, afterwards we got pisang goreng madu bu nanik, went to rodalink pesanggrahan, ended up getting seirockya at puri, and then i dropped ara off at tj duren. Theeen i went to devis place to hang out and sleepover. Lots of foods. Delicious "lava cake" made from instant brownie mix. Played werewolf. In the morning i managed to finish the pre and post tests in OCI Covid. Happy tummy and laughter :) i hope i can be more productive after this

12 - DL (thank god i freezed streak for weekend because i completely forgout about it yesterday), during sleepover @ devi’s we watched love for sale, a copy of my mind, and love for sale 2. The frustration is real bruh we rly wanted to know more about Arini. Did UKDMA (2 attempts, score: 24, 58), wrote 1 MA article, sorted my downloads folder a bit. After ‘wasting’ (happy times is never a wasted time but still, there’s stuff to do) my time yesterday i felt more urge to do something useful

13 - actually started my day with DL and padi cbt wow (brain still fresh from sleep), CBD about BPPV with dr Widayat. Since ive experienced one before i asked and asked and asked lmaooo. Packed up some of the stuff for tomorrow, hoping to not forget things. Read the journal for litrev before bed

14 - DL, first day of school after a while -- turns out weight distribution is key to avoid sore butt LOL. You kinda have to also support your body weight on your feet. Theres no sore butt at all during my 50 mins trip (amazing feat if you ask me). Went to poli rhinologi (DPJP: dr niken) she kindly gave me a patient to examine, and casually told me to put anterior tampon. I, who have never attempted it, was holding back my fear of trying something new lol. Alhamdulillah, i can somehow do it (even though one tampon fell, tiffany paboooo). The ppds kindly explained stuff to me and i feel like i shamelessly ask nowadays. Like it would be a waste not to ask something. Next was CBD @ Ara’s, we ate Ayam Bakar Mas Walid. Liqo with kak Kartika.

15 - DL, did litrev in the morning bcs i fell asleep lmaoo, tweaked tumblr a bit (i like low contrast the most), fell asleep while watching larynx anatomy video until 1:30 pm yalll i missed half of cbd. Tried to read stuff for poli larfar tomorrow.

16 - DL, ppds i met today lives in poris and worked at puskesmas kalideres lmaoo. Had a bit of headache and gassy stomach that felt better after sleeping and eating. thank god i was picked up by mom and theres food and stuff. i guess the difference of being at home and kosan is that you kinda remember more who youre fighting for. my mind felt healthy-ish lately, of some sort. but the headache made me sluggish

17 - DL, nevermind about the healthy mind part lmaoo

18 - DL, physical activity, padi cbt (after 200 questions i was today years old when i realized there were answer keys on telegram 👁️👄👁️), read optima tht batch 1 2020. Watched khs playing chess blindfolded against try guys and then i was purely amazed by what the human brain can do. It somehow motivated me to study lol

19 - DL, finished optima pem tht batch 1 2020, made 1 cbd ppt, webinar "holistic skin rejuvenation", free mindset tryout

20 - DL, haven’t got minicex but at least im trying to stay hopeful!1!, read the notes from today’s cbd since i basically only heard the whole thing on my motorbike like a podcast, did nasal irrigation n took a slow release vit c

21 - started the day with some stretches and squats, trying to drink more water!!, listened to kak dela's tips for ukmmpd from mindset, DL, read a bit abt epistaxis, the clear wallet i ordered from china finally arrived, edited 1 buku pld article

22 - was in poli onko this morning w ara, a patients consciousness was decreasing so code blue was activated. Finished poli at 1 am. It's been awhile since I last saw emergency situations. Went to maison weiner, ate almond croissant there and bought chocolate sourdough and chicken pie. Despite not getting minicex, the road home was not hot, the sun hidden away. The wind is breezing, podcast is on, talking about mindfulness. Todays quite a good day. Im healthy, insyaAllah. I hope my family will also stay healthy. Woke up at 11ish pm, DL, made my ppt for lcbe exam ((tomorrow)) til 1 am

23 - DL, lcbe exam with dr arie (turns out he picked epistaxis over sinonasal tumour), met up with racheel devi silvi at mcd and jco. Hojicha oreo mcflurry tasted good. Got lost on the way to racheels house lmaoo. She flies to malang tomorrow. Can i wish for life to stay simple and happy forever?

24 - DL, originally meant to be a minicex session turned out to be story time by dr Ezzy, she told us about cases that she managed, one of them is putting on tracheostomy for a baby with Moebius syndrome that went viral on twitter. We didnt even present our case and she only asked us for the scoring form. Thank you doc our lifesaver :”” after trying so hard for minicex the last 2 days turns out maybe its fated so we can meet and be inspired dr Ezzy. Mom picked me and we went to Maison Weiner before going home. Passed out from 6pm until the morning lmao

25 - a bit of exercise, DL, tried kemonyu.id mentai from duta garden, i’ve had better mentai than it but at least its on promo. it uses butter rice so that’s something new to me. rapat nemo to decide dates

26 - DL, liqo with kak Kartika about things you can do in Dzulhijjah, A2, started reading optima pem dv batch 1 2020

27 - DL, round was cancelled bcs no patient, lazed around and slept and lazed, continued reading pem dv optima, did like a half of 1 pamela reif video and my HR soared in 2 mins lmaoo

28 - DL, finally mustered the will to finish DS etika profesi, finished reading optima pem dv batch 1 2020, 2A, did 1 pamela reif video (titled 10 mins calorie burn that wont kill u), read a bit of my dv notes

29 - DL, ppds at poli were so kind!, ate shabu2 by mom and basically fell asleep

30 - DL, made ppt PKL, alhamdulillah PKL went ok with dr ika

31 - watched annabelle comes home and suicide squad with keisha karin juan, DL, relatives came to our place, ara also came for a sleepover and after i picked her up we went to dajens place lmaoo they set up bbq

[backonefish]

ANNUAL WRITING SELF-EVALUATION 2016

@paynner tagged me in this (i hope this is still her name :p). And I’m super excited to do this even if I really don’t have much to say. But anywho, here goes.

1. List of works published this year: 

A Whole New World

In a World Like This

(it hit me the minute I posted my second fic that both the titles were incredibly similar and it was too late too change. Le sigh. Tis life)

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

I know IAWLT was the more popular one, but I’m quite impartial to my first one, AWNW (what the hell are these acronyms? Is this what I get for naming fics after song titles?). It was the first one I wrote for the 1D fandom and it kind of took a life of its own. The minute I saw the prompt, the plot fell into place and I loved being able to write all the Disney into their banter. It was just so much fun to write. I don’t think I’ve written anything that has been that much fun and I kept having to tell myself to focus on actual life and not write.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

Um… neither? I know I’m more proud of AWNW, so ergo, the other should be my least. But I really loved writing both and I’m quite proud of both. I mean they’re not literary masterpieces, but I liked them enough to publish… Having said that, there is still stuff I would like to change.

For AWNW, I still feel like the bet was a little too rushed and forced. I had to keep re-writing that part and wished I could’ve fleshed it out more. I also feel like I suck at endings, bc I get super into developing the plot and once I figure out how to end it, I rush into it so quickly and just want to be done. And then when I go back, I wish I had a full more bodied ending. I dunno if that makes sense, but it’s something I need to work on.

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

Can I pick two? I’m going to pick two. Both are from AWNW. (this part turned out to be quite long. sorreeee)

“I Just Can’t Wait to be King” is what wakes him up on Wednesday. It used to be what woke his parents up every day when he was a child and the Lion King was the best thing ever. Except he’s no longer a kid and karma’s a bitch.

Today when he drinks tea, he covers Simba’s face with a strategically placed thumb. He places the mug in the sink once he’s done, only to double back and place a kiss on Simba’s face. It’s really not Simba’s fault that his neighbour is an asshole who can’t respect sleeping hours.

That night, Louis stuffs his ears with cotton and hopes for the best.

---

On Thursday, hopes come true. For the first time that week, Louis is woken up by his alarm. Not some –

The angst filled notes of “Let it Go” comes thudding through the walls. Never mind then. Hopes are meant to be dashed.

---

It’s Friday and “Tale as Old as Time” is playing through his walls and really, being woken up every fucking day by a piano playing, Disney loving neighbour, is a tale as old as time. Tomorrow is Saturday. Surely, his neighbours understand the sanctity of a Saturday.

---

Surely he has been more wrong in his life? It’s currently 7:20 and Louis is lying in bed listening to a much improved version of “A Whole New World.” Neighbour #2 is getting better at this. Too bad the same can’t be said for Louis’ sleep.”

K, So I loved this bit bc I was quite proud with how things flowed. It was one of the first ideas that came to me about the fic and stylistically, I enjoyed the movement from one day to the next and the chance to incorporate the Disney songs into the transitions.

And

Perhaps he too should write a poem.

He pulls out a blank sheet of paper and chews his pen.

Harry. He’ll write a poem for Harry.

Hair that shines like a princess

No. He scratches that out and starts again. It’s still too soon.

Skin as soft as a petal

Hair as shiny as the sun

Eyes so – what rhymes with petal? Metal? Nettle? Kettle? Ah, yes. That will work.

Eyes as green as my kettle

Harry, you are my number one.

Dimples as deep as the sea

Lips that make me want to come

Heart as pure as can be

Harry, you are my only one.

Perfect. Literary genius, he is. This is Pulitzer Prize worthy. He rewrites the poem carefully on a fresh sheet of paper and then decorates it with hearts and flowers. He spends the rest of the day in eager anticipation for when he gives the poem to Harry.

Ten pm finally rolls around when Harry texts Louis to say that he’s home. Louis bounds over eagerly, knocking obnoxiously until Harry opens the door.

“Here,” he bypasses Harry’s greeting to thrust the poem taped to a bouquet of flowers he’d picked up on his way home.

“Lou,” Harry breathes, caught off guard, “What is this.”

“I wrote you a poem,” Louis points at the paper, rocking on his feet impatiently. “Read it.”

“Okay,” Harry says, floored. He places the flowers on the table and carefully pulls the poem free. He reads silently, lips mouthing along the words. When he’s done he looks at Louis, eyes wide and slightly teary.

“This is the nicest thing anyone’s done for me,” Harry says, voice wavering slightly.

“So you liked it?” Louis asks, shy all of a sudden.

“I loved it. Your kettle is very green,” Harry agrees.

Louis nods. He’s quite proud of that line. Harry reaches out to cup Louis’ jaw with one hand, poem still clutched tightly in his other.

“Your lips make me want to come too,” Harry whispers, leaning down.

This is my other favourite bc its so absurd. The poem is so bad. I love it. It’s crazy and stupid. It was the most ridiculous thing I could write and I did write it and it just worked with the nature of the fic. Also I could easily picture Larry being this ridiculous about shit (*cough* the wind makes nice waves) and being so in love with each other that they can’t see how bad it is. So yeah. These two pieces.

(also wow, apologies for all the grammatical errors in AWNW)

5. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

Ahhh, I love every single kudo, like, bookmark and comment. I’m still flabbergasted that someone would take the time to appreciate my fic in any sense. So thank you.

If I had to pick one (im sorry if this is cheesy) but I loved the comment paynner left on IAWLT. I wrote it based on her prompt but never in a million years would I expect her to leave such a heartfelt comment on my fic. Like, she picked excerpts she liked and commented on it, promoted it on tumblr and then even proposed to me (I said yes). It honestly doesn’t get better than that. Forever grateful.

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

Oh… um right before I started writing Larry. I used to write for other fandoms and stopped bc I was no longer inspired? And just real life got in the way and I didn’t see the purpose of writing anymore.

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you

This is super tough. I want to say the Harry and Louis I wrote for AWNW. They’re both so ridiculous and over the top. I never imagined writing them like that and it actually working.

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

Well one, I started writing again, and two, I’m writing RPF and AUs which I never imagined id do. But moreover, I wrote more comedic, light hearted fluff. I used to write angst bc I get angst and it was what I always wrote. So coming back into a completely different genre was nerve-wracking but also so much fun and quite rewarding. I got to be sillier in my work, insert more of my thought process into the characters, and actually create worlds.

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

I want to return to angst next year, and write a longer fic. Mainly, commit to something long enough to actually write it. The last time I wrote a multi-chaptered fic, I was so tired by the end of it and was the worst at updating. So yeah, commit to writing, create a proper schedule to write, and all that jazz.

Oo I also really want to develop my side characters more. Make them more well rounded and bodied and more central to the plot.

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

Can I just say all the authors in this fandom have been a huge inspiration. I’ve been reading fic for the past year and a half and I’m always so incredibly floored by the variety, talent, and uniqueness of each fic. So, yeah, a huge thank you to everyone who has written.

I will pick out three (bc I love doing things in threes) who have definitely been a positive influence.

Zarah5 (I hope that wherever she is, she’s doing amazing.) Stylistically, the way she writes… wow. The ability to convey emotion and fears through actions and dialogue only, is so unique and I’m in awe of how she does it. Her plots are so detailed and nuanced and just pull me under (see what I did there? I can be punnier than harry). Also her sentence structure? She embodied the characters as the narrators so well and utilizes that into unique sentence structures. I’ve yet to see someone who can write in such a manner.

@alienproof so I’ve commented on chelsie’s work about how she creates atmosphere. You read her fics and you’re instantly pulled into the mood of the world. Finding Lou? The Wonderlands? Omh, the wonderlands. Guys, you don’t understand how much I love that fic. I’ve never waited that eagerly for a fic update in my life. Her Louis and Harry are so much older, but so well written, their fears and motives and dynamic. And the atmosphere. It always boils down to the atmosphere and I love it.

@paynner . duh. I adore her writing. ADORE. Her fics are the best pick-me-ups you could ever need. They’re so funny, so smutty, so unique. Also she’s this plethora of prompts and every time I come across one of them, I’m like ooo I want to write it. Obviously, I went and wrote one. So, literally, she’s been the most positive influence. But yeah, I love her mind, I love how well she writes and I LOVE how somethin’ bout you was so different than her usual style of writing but it works so well! I remember only realising who the author was bc princess isn’t subtle at all, but otherwise I got so sucked up in the world and the plot and the unique way the love/hate dynamic worked that I couldn’t even tell it was her. Oh, also – how the hell did she manage to write so much in a year? 

You people amaze me. And make me think, hey i should give this writing thing a shot too.

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

Lmao, my love for BSB? Im still amazed that I was able to insert them into a fic. I literally wrote three dates for Harry and Louis in IAWLT bc I wanted to write about the Backstreet Boys and then I went and named the fic after their song. Sue me, I’m trash for them.  

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

Write what you want. Write what’s fun. You’ll enjoy it more than if you try to write what other people want to read. Also write for fic exchanges bc it puts you on a deadline and provides you with prompts and gives you an automatic audience. (I guess this is mainly for newer writers, but I really have no new wisdom for experienced, established authors… )

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

Oh… finishing for sure. I’m working on a med school, friends with benefits fic, set in Canada which is multi-chaptered bc why not bite off more than I can chew. The entire thing is planned out, but I’ve been stuck on the third chapter and life is a thing that refuses to be ignored… so yeah. Lets see. But I’d like to get it finished this year.

keep everything crossed

14. Tag three writers whose answers you’d like to read. ;)

@donotdialnine and @juliusschmidt who I’ve recently been reading again. So much love for their work. And @sadamenoito bc i’ve read all her fics a few too many times. Dunno if you’ve done it already, but if you haven’t….

*All answers should be about works published in 2016. Also, you can skip any questions you hate or don’t want to answer, but please leave them on the list so that others can do them if they want. :)

[zhuhongs]

new sage zhuhongs lore that no one asked for just dropped.... the guardian brainrot origin story (abridged bc some things actually ARE too personal for me to share on tumblr but this is a watered down explanation why im insane abt guardian) under the cut. as always.. its fucking Long (like 4k) also cw for abuse ments in passing

It’s now the 4th month of 2021 and so far my year has been squarely categorized by my obsession with Guardian. This obsession is absolutely no coincidence, it came to me at the absolute perfect time. I feel like I’ve said it all before, but I feel the need to say it again, over and over until I can finally fully separate myself from this feeling -- until I’ve finally gotten it through my head.  Guardian was here to teach me about myself. Teach me who I was, what that former self really looked like, and then gave me something to embody. Something to strive for and make me really grow from my previous misguided attempts at caring about others in all the wrong ways. 

Perhaps now is finally time to part with it. I don’t think I’ll ever fully part with it per say. The fact that I feel compelled to write this is proof that Zhenhun has a very special place in my heart. But still, I want to get the bulk of my feelings towards it squared away. It’s time to make peace with it. I want to be able to enjoy other things and move on. Like an old uniform on graduation day, it’s my last time wearing it. From now on I’ll fold it nicely and put it in a box to stumble upon it in the future and smile at the memories made with it. Smile at the me who used to wear it and reminisce about what was and what now is. All of my writing is a time capsule to myself. For my own sake, I want to take responsibility for my feelings. If I don’t do that, I feel like my emotions will just be left to hang without getting it’s due process. I just want to ache and revel in these feelings until I’m satisfied with it. And at the moment I’m not satisfied. I feel like I haven’t properly said it. Even spanning the 32 pages I've written on the matter in my review and in my reflections, and all the projecting in my fics, I didn’t say it right. I didn’t get to the meat of what I felt for this show and what I feel for these characters on a purely emotional level. In all my previous writing I felt like in a way I was distancing myself from who I am and what specifically made me feel this way. In a way, the fact that I am writing this, documenting it in words, betrays the rawness of the emotion I felt. But alas, I must write it, because I don’t know how to be any other way

I still haven’t fully learned from my past relationships. I’ve changed but I haven’t grown much. I didn’t become a healthy adult, but I want to. I think I’m in the process of doing so. But in the recent past I took another path, I grew to resent my exes and blame them to varying degrees. And then I finally made peace with them all. Some of them I can’t contact anymore, and some I’m better off not contacting. Most importantly, I made peace with my most recent ex. I talked with him, apologized and let him apologize to me. This was how it was always meant to be. I couldn’t blame him anymore, how could i? I learned to understand him and resemble him. What we did was immature, we’ve both realized it now. Time to let the past be the past. Time to grow up.

This finally brings me finally into Guardian and more specifically, Zhu Hong. I love Zhu Hong so SO So SO very much. She’s the kind of character that resonates with me so personally that I don’t think I’ll forget about her for years to come. I have a few characters like that but Zhu Hong (as well as Shen Wei but we’ll get to him later) has made it into the core list of characters that If I was a serious kinnie, I’d kin them. Zhu Hong’s infatuation with Zhao Yunlan so heavily parallels my own feelings towards my ex in high school it's absolutely insane. She doesn't love Zhao Yunlan in a way he understands. Her love is misguided. She tried to be devoted and self sacrificing but that manifests as her being like “I'll cut ties with my clans for u” which is something Zhao Yunlan would never want. On a fundamental level, she misunderstands Zhao Yunlan as a person. He would never ask anyone to sacrifice themselves like that for him. It’s a meaningless sacrifice. It yields nothing but pain. But in her head, she is promising him everything she could possibly give. Why can’t he see how much she loves him? Why can’t he reciprocate? She doesn't get it. She has an image of him in her head and that's not him! This is exactly what I felt about my ex. I would do anything for him, I was in such a bad place and he was the only person that made me feel okay. Why couldn’t he understand how I loved him? Why did he tell me that he wanted to see me find someone that I could spend the rest of my life with? Why did he say that he wanted to be friends with me long enough to attend my wedding? What I wanted was him!! Why didn’t he get that.

But of course he got that. He knew that I wanted him, but he knew that I didn’t really love him. It was just an idea of him. He was trying to let me down gently the whole time, and it wasn’t registering in my head. I was the one who got attached and misinterpreted things. He was doing what Zhao Yunlan did, letting me down gently at every opportunity. When she said she’d betray her clan for his sake, that she wore high heels to be the pretty version of her that he liked, how she begged Zhao Yunlan in tears to love her, and said if he can’t love her, then at least leave her to a place where she can feel love -- it cut into my skin like a razor. I saw myself in Zhu Hong and just like her, I pushed harder and harder so my ex would finally see me as an option. Until it finally culminated in me figuring it out the hard way. I saw every risky text I sent and every desperate letter I wrote, and every calculated piece of clothing I wore and everything about the way I acted towards him. Looking back on it, it was all so sad. 

I thought I loved the idea of someone being able to love me and distract me from my family situation. I thought I loved the familiarity and the way he was considerate of me. I did care for him for himself too but I didn’t love him in a way that he could understand. I was too intense, too unwarranted, too desperate. When I think back on some of the things I told him, some of the texts I sent him, god. I feel so ashamed of myself. It was so intense, unsightly -- it was ugly. Not in the self loathing way either. Like really, if I showed you screenshots of the things I said you’d ask what the fuck was wrong with me. Those weren’t things you were supposed to just tell someone. It was inconsiderate and borderline manipulative. It wasn’t right. Given my circumstances, I understand why I acted like that, but it doesn’t excuse my actions. 

However, I loved that ugly, desperate girl that I was. I love her, I comb her hair and treat her well. I mother her. She was so fragile and deserved so much love. She got some of it, and she's on her way to receive more of it. However, I cannot be her forever.  I can’t put people on pedestals and promise them things they don’t want. I can’t love misguidedly. I need to understand people and understand myself. I’ve grown a bit. Right before watching Guardian I actually reached out to this ex after two years of not talking and we reached a mutual understanding of both of our faults at the time. It was really nice. It was healing. I’ve moved away from the person I used to be, slowly, I’ve become more whole, and happier with myself. 

So much of my current self has been in response to myself in highschool. Not just with my ex, that's just one isolated event. But that behavior was in relation to something broader. There are so many little things that happened that I look back on and just question why I had to be like that. In all aspects, I'm just so embarrassed by how I acted. I'm moving away from acting like that and wanting to do things for people that they genuinely didn't ask for. I don’t blame myself for how I was, I really don’t. Given the abuse I was living in, all my actions make sense. But now that I’m away from that household and away from my father, I’ve been taking a lot of time to reflect on myself in every way possible (as i’m sure many of you have witnessed). I can’t always live by blaming others. My circumstances can explain why I do something but they don’t justify them. You need to separate yourself from the unpleasant parts of your upbringing and evaluate how to live a happy life. This is a big theme of the Guardian drama.  Yezun does what he does because he cannot address his past. He can’t see past his “betrayal” so he takes it out on others. Many of the other side characters also have this same issue. They can’t accept the unpleasant things in their lives and move past it, so they take it out on others. 

It's no coincidence that the current me that doesn't want to do that to people currently looks at Shen Wei and is like... Oh hello I want to be Just Like You. Zhu Hong was this way too. When she realized that she couldn’t compare to Shen Wei, she tried to figure out why that was. She attended one of his classes and confronted him, all trying to figure out what it was that he had that she didn’t. What he had was purpose and understanding. He’s not obsessed with Zhao Yunlan nor does he put him on a pedestal (in the drama, if I don’t specify what version of Shen Wei I mean, I usually mean drama Shen Wei). He knows that obsession will only lead to ruin. Zhu Hong needs ZYL’s attention, she craves it. She goes out of her way to do things she doesn’t want to do to get his attention. Shen Wei doesn’t do that. He purposefully doesn’t seek Zhao Yunlan out until they meet naturally. He has other things to do when he’s not with Zhao Yunlan. He is complete, he has people he cares about and a duty to protect. Shen Wei loves Zhao Yunlan but can live without him. He wants ZYL but he doesn’t need him. He is better with him but can do without. Zhao Yunlan thinks Zhu Hong is using him as a distraction, as something to project her love onto because she doesn’t have much else to love. Because if she really understood him, then she’d never do the things she did. She’d never say she’d cut ties with her clan or offer to face danger with him. He doesn’t want that. He wants to see her become a fully realized person. Not someone who is one sidedly devoted to him with no other cares. He wants to see Zhu Hong grow. Zhu Hong, Shen Wei, and Zhao Yunlan all spoke to very different yet very personal parts of myself. And these three characters all did the same with one another. It was a very… interesting thing to watch. It made me crazy. 

Before I do a deep dive onto why Shen Wei resonates with me I want to take a step back and talk about Zhao Yunlan himself and not just his relationship to others. The thing about Zhao Yunlan that just makes me crazy was his self sacrifice. I talk about it a bit with Zhu Hong but I’ve always just loved the idea of self sacrifice. Yes that’s bad, I know, I know. Let me continue. I think about the way he decided he was going to burn for the sake of humanity and that it wasn't a bad thing. I was an honor in a way. To burn himself and light up others. I’ve always wanted to be able to sacrifice myself and let my pain be meaningful. Because if I was going to be in pain anyways, why not make it count. Zhao Yunlan (and Shen Wei but this isnt about him yet) did just that. He sacrificed and neglected himself over and over again and at some point people became concerned. And I always had situations in my head where I did that and people finally saw the pain I was in despite my best attempts to hide it. But Guardian also taught me that sacrifice just for the sake of it is meaningless. You need to build yourself up first before anything you sacrifice can be meaningful. Like the storyline with Lin Yusen. He wanted to catch the criminal that killed his crush and constantly put himself in harm's way, but it was useless. He wasn’t skilled enough to catch them and ultimately he got in the SID’s way. And that’s what I have been doing all this time. Putting myself in harm's way for nothing. It was meaningless because I had no meaningful self to sacrifice. It was pain just for the sake of it. Just like what Zhu Hong was offering Zhao Yunlan. All of the aforementioned things were staring me directly in the eye while I watched Guardian. It was a sign. A sign that I needed to pack it up and stop looking at the idea of someone and change myself. I needed to stop myself from these unhealthy thought patterns and grow into something new. 

This now finally brings me to Shen Wei. I just resonate with Shen Wei -- all iterations of Shen Wei -- in so many different ways that’s unbelievable really. I never would’ve thought that a character could be so personally tailored to me at this moment, and yet here he was. What Shen Wei had that hit the combination of everything 20 year old Sage wanted was that he that he was a professor, as well as graceful and restrained yet still perfect at reading and comforting people, had tendency towards self sacrifice and self neglect, and also just had the Peak aesthetic for me. He was the absolute perfect character to project all of my issues onto and also look towards to rebuild myself as a better more adult version of myself. 

First I want to talk about Shen Wei as a teacher. I’ve said a lot about my relationship with teaching and academia but I’m gonna repeat it. I have a very long complicated relationship with academia and teaching.  Ultimately, I always loved school. I saw it as an escape from my family and a place where I could be myself, mostly unmonitored. Since I was abused and quiet but also talkative -- academia was the perfect outlet for me to voice myself growing up.  I was quiet with my peers, but in class I could go on and on about the material because it was acceptable and even encouraged for me to do so. So I indulged in it and made learning and being smart my personality trait. Because I felt that that was all I was good for. After all, I was an Immigrant Daughter™. I had to be smart to prove that my parents' sacrifices were worth it and to keep them happy. But that’s how I felt my entire life and thus made academics my thing even when I knew that I didn’t have to be the best. And teachers always liked me and praised me. To the point where I saw my teachers as more on my level than my peers. Due to the trauma I just could never relate to my peers and felt so alienated from everyone so I drew more and more into academics and yea. I always wanted to be a teacher because I saw how much I admired my teachers and how they made me feel seen. I saw them as like a stand in adult figure for my parents that were not always around and when they were around.. Well..yk. That’s not the healthiest things lmao… here we are. I wanted to be a good adult figure in the lives of kids like me.

As a teacher I tried my best to do that. To get on my students' levels and to let them have fun in my class and let it be a distraction and have them trust me and thus learn to trust others. That was the underlying goal in all of my work. I loved teaching for the way I got to see into my students lives. And a lot of it was really sad. I taught elementary students and hearing some of them tell me about how their parents were in jail much like my own father was hard.. It was really hard.  I hope I could’ve taught them something of use. Or at least have been a small place of comfort to them. They taught me so much about being human and about caring for others. I just. I have so many thoughts on teaching and Shen Wei echoed those sentiments very clearly to me. I really love his teaching philosophy and the way he treats his students. In the drama he said to Zhao Yunlan that there are no bad students, only incapable teachers who don’t try hard enough or something along those lines. And that really reflects my policy on teaching. One of my students said something to me once like “you must hate our class, because we;re all bad kids.” And I was frozen in place for a second like “Absolutely not!! There are no bad kids. Anyone who told you that is a liar. There are only adults that refuse to listen to kids and get on their level.” and I really truly mean that.  Watching him made me double down on my approach to teaching and I’m very excited for my session to start again in June.

So with that context, seeing the way Shen Wei cares (like truly cares!!) about his students was inspiring to me. Shen Wei is kind and warm to others because he sees himself in them. The most notable example is with Li Qian. The first time he sees her necklace and asks about it, she gets defensive and puts it away. And he backs off and stops asking because he, too, knows what it’s like to keep something like that and not want anyone else to see it. When Li Qian is in the hospital after her suicide attempt, he brings here food and sits with her and listens to her. The way she speaks about her grandmother hits him like a truck. Rewatching the first episodes, it is so interesting to watch Shen Wei’s expressions, they tell SO much. In this scene he looks particularly Affected. He knows exactly how Li Qian feels. They parallel each other really well. She cares about her grandmother as the only person to show her love and becomes upset when she does so much for her and brings her back to life at her own expense only for her grandmother to act like a different person. This is how Shen Wei feels about ZYL and Ye Zun in a way. Zhao Yunlan was the only person to see him and he goes to great lengths to pay back all of his debt to him, but given the timeline situation, Zhao Yunlan doesn’t understand that. When Li Qian describes the similar situation with her grandmother, he understands. He understands because he knows he’d do the same for Zhao Yunlan at this point and Zhao Yunlan would not get it. Because to him, the two have only met a few days ago but for Shen Wei they met years ago. And also the same is true for his feelings towards his brother. Because he knows how much he did for his brother and how he mourned him and really truly thought he was dead because they were both tricked, but Yezun hates him and Shen Wei can't help but be mad towards him. He sees how Li Qian acted and can’t help but to see himself and a path he could’ve gone down if the circumstances were different. This quality is one of the many things I love about him.

 It literally drives me insane because I’ve really learned to do that recently. Like not to project (i am.. Thats like the point of this) but Shen is very “i love everyone because I love you.” He loves people, cares about them, empathizes with them, and wants to help them because of the love he’s received from others. Simple small acts of kindness resonate with him for a long time and he keeps that kindness in his heart, knowing one day it will come back to him. And it’s just so good!! I’ve really come to realize that and want to embody it. All the kindness people show me is just so inspiring. I still have a turtle figure that a girl gave me in 4th grade when I was in the hospital, I remember when someone gave me their parking pass at uni when they were leaving so every time I go, I leave mine for someone else, I remember my coworker that bought me a water when I left my wallet at home, just!!! People!! We care about one another. And small, meaningless things can be a world of change for someone else. And Shen Wei really just reflected that for me and that’s why I love his character so much. I want to be like that. In every way, I want to radiate the same warmth and understanding but also have the strength and knowledge behind me to be reliable and dignified. 

(there was a lot more but this is most of where it got into Deeply Personal territory so yea.. <33, maybe someday i’ll share that one but not today )

IN SUMMARY In all iterations, Shen Wei and Zhu Hong get me like no other. They both hit for me in incredibly personal ways and I’ll just never forget about them and what they did for me at this point in my life. They’ve cemented themselves into the core of my personality and I’m always going to remember them and how they reflected my past and also my present. And hopefully, in some ways I will succeed in moving forward like they did and look back on it fondly. Regardless, I’m never gonna forget Shen Wei or Zhu Hong. They both mean too much to me in a very personal way for me to ever truly forget that. Of course, this intensity will fade but at my core, these characters are too perfect to forget. Congrats you two, You’ve joined the ranks of Minori, Kiriyama Rei, Homura and Honoka Maki in terms of characters that will never leave me. I hope that one day I can graduate from some of these feelings and live how I want. Live the way you’d want me to live. Till then, I’ll write these feelings down. Over and over again, in varying levels of eloquence, until I can finally absolve myself of these feelings.