#it tastes like everything wrong with Mountain Dew and then WORSE

[punkrockisafulltimejob]

I just remembered why I don't drink monster. It tastes like shit

[hyperactivetransdrone]

So yall know how there are only 4 flavors of diet soda pop sold in stores most of the time

With Coca-Cola, Mountain Dew, and Pepsi the most common diets then Doctor Pepper being uncommon in terms of rarity and everything else being mythically rare

Well actually let's do a chart to show both of these:

Common:

Pepsi, Coca-Cola, Mountain Dew

Uncommon:

Doctor Pepper

Rare:

Literally every single other sodapop

Literally that's it, at least where i live and out of those mountain dew is the tastiest now before I continue to my next chart your probably wondering

"Why don't you just get Zero Sugar?"

Because 0 Sugar fucks with my blood sugar and according to my 5 minute Google search some of the sugars in some of the 0 sugars mess with your blood sugar but I don't know which ones and in which sodas and I'm type 1 so the thing that fixes my blood sugar isn't slowed or anything like type 2, it's literally dead, I don't make any insulin by myself I need an outside source for all reasons.

Anyway another thing that effects flavor is the source all rate those next

Bottled - Amazing Tastes really good

Straight from the tap into a glass (made of anything glass glass, plastic glass) - The Best, straight up cannot be outmatched, especially if it's a personal recipe

Fountain - Also really good, better than bottled, but worse than The Tap

Canned - Ew, it's drinkable but it really makes it taste bad

Now only generic brands of pop can be from the tap like root bear can be from the tap but A&W cannot bc the tap is like you made it yourself so you CAN copy Pepsis recipe but it is also made in a factory however you Local Root Bear can be made in a tap but CANT be in anything else (except maybe a glass bottle) so for this next chart of those 4 pop brands it will include everything but tap

Bottled

Pepsi - 6.5/10, pretty good but I like cream sodas and root bear more.

Coca-Cola - 6/10, good but it's too common for me to not be constantly tired of it.

Doctor Pepper - 7/10, good but tastes REALLY similar to coke and pepsi

Mountain Dew - 8/10, the most unique, ergo refreshing of the 4 but I like cream sodas and root bear and Local Sodas, and also unique sodas more

Fountain:

Pepsi - 7/10, slightly better than bottled, but that's probably bc it's fresher... relatively speaking

Coca-Cola - 6.5/10, same reason as Pepsi but again, too popular/common for me to like it anymore

Mountain Dew - 8.5/10, highest I'll give a soda pop that's not unique or local just because it tastes different than all the other pops here

Doctor Pepper - 8/10, same reasons as all the others but also it just tastes different enough from coke and Pepsi that it's just a little bit better

Canned (it's red so you cam probably guess my opinion):

Pepsi - 5/10, bad but coke does it worse probably bc coke is more common/popular

Coca-Cola - 4/10, actual trash, tastes horrible

Mountain Dew - 6.5/10, doesn't actually taste all that different from bottled but does taste good enough that it gets the highest score out of all of bottled

Doctor Pepper - 5.5, it's better than coke and Pepsi that's canned, that I'll say

Umm yeah I just wanted to say my annoyance, please tell me how I'm wrong but if you say

"Just drink normal soda!"

1. That can kill be because in 1 can there's like 36 carbs which is about as much as a stack of homemade pancakes, and it doesn't even fill you as much

2. I've been type 1 diabetic for... (if I Exclude the fact it was at the end of the year so I was practically a year older) like almost 6 years like 5 years and 2/3s a year so pretty much 6 years so I've gotten used to diet and now taste the coating of sugar around my mouth when drinking non diet pop now which just feels really gross like think of it like having plastic sealed to your hand, and I mean sealed, not like latex where you can get it off I mean you can't take it off with your hand, you just have to wait it off like that pine sap that gets stuck between your fingers that won't come off even after washing your hands

Anyway uhh feel free to disagree I will argue you (unless you yell then you are correct) and umm sorry for ranting, I already know no one will see this lol so if you do see this say hi to me :)

[steve0discusses]

Yugioh S4 Ep 15: Yami Joins the Bay Area Tribe By Throwing a Riot About Sports on Caltrain

So as you’ve probably guessed because of my lack of posts--I got kinda busy with life stuff and just got hit with this really nasty flu at the same time. Yes, I am in a Coronavirus-affected area but no, I don’t have it and I am not dying (although I did do the right thing and quarantined myself anyway, much like a whole lot of the Bay who are just...working from home. Traffic’s been great.) It’s just that every January/February I tend to fall apart and get the flu so bad I lose my voice for 5 days. This year was 6 days. I just catch the flu a lot, but at least I get my shots so it’s not as bad as it would have been.

So, I took a hell ton of Nyquil and Dayquil and while I’m...functional...I don’t know if any of this make sense. So forgive my rambling. I usually ramble, today I’ll be like...hella rambling. About TRAINS.

So anyway, Lets talk about Yugioh.

Lets board a Californian train!

Yugioh has decided that out of every vehicle they’ve devoted episodes to--they haven’t done trains yet, so it’s train time. Train time...in America...which is not a great place for trains. Like I never really think about it but...people take the freakin Greyhound over trains. Which is wild, guys, the Greyhound is...it’s a state of mind. We ignore trains so much.

It’s just really funny that they left Japan to go to America to ride a train when it’s like...the show takes place...in Japan. The land of wonderful trains. But wtv, they wanted ye Old Western experience.

Anyway, Rebecca really wanted to go on the train with them, but everyone pretty much decided that children were no longer safe on this trip with Yugi and co. The fact that Yugi and co are also children is something I guess we decided to push under the rug. I mean Duke Devlin has a freakin job and a work Visa at 17 so...that’s adult enough, right?

(*in a very Roaring Camp Railroad Commercial voice, and over the dulcet sounds of a banjo* More TRAINS under the cut!)

And then Arthur decided to just really grill it into Yami for some reason.

I think it was mostly to act as a recap but damn, Arthur Hawkins just really seems to hate Yami for killing Yugi. Anyway, lets get a good look at our train.

Surprisingly for this show, they decided not to put us on the Roaring Camp Railroad through the Santa Cruz Mountains, instead, they put us on an actual legit commuter train, and it blew my mind because...it’s the CALTRAIN.

That’s my train! What’s my Caltrain doing in Yugioh!?!?

They even got the paint job right! This is absolutely the Caltrain!

We never update this train. So yes, it still looks like this over 10 years later. It’s very underfunded.

+++THIS IS TRAIN FACTS FEEL FREE TO SKIP TRAIN FACTS+++++

So the Caltrain was originally privately owned tracks--which is how they are really nicely laid out--a private company bought everything/pushed out the old owners before the place got developed. When trains went under, the tracks were purchased by the State and then given to Amtrack to manage. So, Caltrain is strictly property of the State Government but still run by the Federal Government at the same time. Don’t ask me how it works, I don’t know, I just pay my taxes and it goes vroom.

We’ve wanted to extend the Caltrain down to Southern California for a very long time, but because of corruption and a lot of people in politics refusing to expand the Bay out of the fear of maybe dropping our housing prices to reasonable limits, and the fear of making it way too feasible to get more children to Disneyland, the track has stayed roughly the same length for over 40 years.

Overall, It’s less drive time than this duel that takes up this next arc, I’m pretty sure. I’m gonna guess that the duel will be 3 episodes long because c’mon. This is Yugioh. It’s always 3 episodes long, like a Nintendo boss.

Anyway, all these train facts are things that are probably so weird and foreign to places that have ample trains--but in America, we just don’t have a strong train lobby compared to our auto lobby. So, I’m sure that people in Japan making this series thought “Oh they’re on a train--it can just go forever because why wouldn’t it be long? Aren’t all American trains connected?” but uh...it’s a short train. Like we’re talking like a few hours max, and that’s only if they’re starting from Gilroy.

I will say that BART is longer and has multiple tracks, so you would think they’d just take BART instead. But, it goes under the ocean for part of it, and we’ll get to why that would have been a very big problem in this episode later. Also, BART is very gross and no one wants to animate that outside of a horror movie.

But at least they didn’t go way out of left field and take the SF trolley. The Caltrain does actually go pretty fast. It...kind of makes sense. They did actual research into a real thing that we do have.

++++END RANT ABOUT THIS TRAIN AND HOW NONE OF THIS EPISODE MAKES SENSE BUT IT’S YUGIOH SO I WILL IGNORE THAT++++

And youknow...there’s something just so adorable about seeing desert mesas reflected in the window of the Caltrain. It’s just delightful. Because, in reality the entire stretch of the Caltrain is very densely suburban/urban, and the only place where it isn’t surrounded by city is when it’s flanked by the sea.

But yeah, just put mesas on it!

*freakin curtains*

Joey and Tristan hit the “dining car,” which I don’t think is a thing in any form of commuter train. These trains are for trips the length of about 1 extensive Puzzles and Dragons session on your phone, give or take.

(And man, speaking of, the Yugioh PAD collab was so good, guys. Ah man. Been wrecking like every dungeon in multiplayer ever since Bro and I both got a Yugi to put as our leader. He’s basically one of the best leaders in the game right now and I feel like people at PAD were huge Yugioh fans because they were like “what if we made...basically every Yugioh pull into a freakin beast that broke every dungeon in the game?”)

I can’t believe Joey Wheeler went thousands of miles from his homeland and was like “I better drink an American soda” and chose Orange. I mean he might be drinking an Arizona Tea, but I’m pretty sure he thought “ah, Kenan and Kel, right?” and just nabbed the nastiest soda that exists outside of grape.

I feel like I can still taste the orange soda I drank over 20 years ago. It is terrible. It is SO orange. Gross. But at the same time...good? I really don't know with Orange Soda. It’s probably gross.

Meanwhile, Tea decides it’s an appropriate time for Yami to work on his social skills. Now. When he’s visibly grieving after being berated by his Basically-Step-Grandfather and Rebecca.

And then we find out something I’ve never realized before, and it’s that Tea is really bad at social cues. Like maybe even worse than Yami. Like, I dunno how Pharaoh could look more like an angry cat/hedgehog but Tea was not picking up on it.

And y’all I’m not making that up, these are the topics Tea actually came up with for the guy who just saw his best friend die/was very implicit in said murder. Beaches and Bathing Suits.

She got over Yugi being dead like immediately.

Of course, this episode is kind of weird because, much like this show has done so many times already, these guys are still struggling to truly understand that Yugi is two people in one body. Tea sort of comes to this realization as if she...forgot that she has stepped inside his actual head and seen this for herself.

Or maybe it’s denial, but I’m thinking maybe the show did this for the new people coming to the show, to explain a rather complicated thing that took 3 seasons to cement in our minds. But still, it makes Tea seem very forgetful over a guy she should sort of be dating I guess.

Anyway it’s their first real fight. Kind of. I mean it’s hard to tell if anyone on this show is dating, and it’s equally hard to tell if they are fighting, too.

Well, first real fight if you don’t count Zero when Yugi tried to make out with Miho over a card duel, but I think we’re all doing our best to forget that ever happened. Yugi especially.

Or I guess that time she strangled him nearly to death in the nurse’s office when Shadi took over his body. That counts as a fight, right?

Ah. Now we’re on Caltrain.

Don’t take it the wrong way, Caltrain is actually our higher end safe train, compared to our other transit, BART, which will always sit you next to a weirdo, guaranteed. Caltrain--you can take a good nap on Caltrain. BART...you will never feel comfortable enough to take a nap on BART (also because there’s not enough seating room anymore)

But a lot of people who take the train are just freakin WEIRD. I used to take the Caltrain with my older brother (different bro than the bro of this blog, this is my chaotic neutral bro) because we both worked near the same place in downtown SF, and he would always take with him--I kid you not--a 2 liter bottle of Mountain Lightning for a snack.

For those not in the States, Mountain Lightning is the offbrand Walmart version of Mountain Dew. Yes. I know what I said. It seems dumbfounding as Mountain Dew is already an off brand of Sprite--the true lemon/lemon lime--but indeed, like Inception, you can always go deeper, and if there is a soda so bewildering and random, my older brother will be ON IT.

Anyways, my older bro is a train weirdo, so not only does he prefer Mountain Lightning to Mountain Dew, he would take out a 2 liter from his backpack, tilt back his head, and just chug the whole thing straight from the huge ass bottle in front of God and everyone on that train.

He’d polish it off completely on the ride there and the ride back, because my older brother has this weird medical problem where he can’t really feel pain and he has an insane metabolism and never gained weight until he was like 32, so he can just...chug as much soda as he freakin wants. So, at some point of the trip he would have to use the very tiny bathroom, and it would be very urgent, and he’d just scramble over me to get to the aisle and then kind of skip and hop all the way there on the rush hour train that was completely full of people.

Like, most people don’t even know that Caltrain has a bathroom--well now you know, and for several years there, it was just always taken by my brother violently pissing. That was us (well...him). My apologies.

In case your curious, now my bro has hardcore acid reflux, and all he needs to do is stop drinking so much damn soda, but it’s been very hard for him, so he has cut back to “diet soda”. This is still a lot of soda and it still causes acid reflux. His doctor is working on him.

And yes, Diet Mountain Lightning exists. That’s just so many steps removed from Sprite at this point.

Anyways, enough waxing long about train memories, lets get back to the show, because it’s not this season of Yugioh until there’s a problem with the commute.

Unrelated to Pharaoh punching the walls, everyone has “disappeared.”

My bro looked up the Wiki that says there's “no explanation for the missing train passengers” but we all know what that really means on this show, right?

So, how many people fit on Caltrain?

There’s just NO WAY they’re alive anymore, right? Like Yugioh went and killed 756 Bay Area passengers because...it’s a filler season!

I really feel like there’s just no way Seto or Bakura will ever catch up to Darts’ death count at this rate.

After this, we have ourselves this fun train-jumping trope.

Pretty sure it was the superhuman opposing force of Tea jumping from the back train to the front of the train that forced the back to lose all of it’s 100+ mph momentum and immediately come to a full and complete stop.

Not sure how Darts did this thing with the train separating. But he did. Or maybe it was Rex and Weevil? Either way, he somehow managed to do this well enough to strand Joey and Tristan on the other side of the line that now has no engine.

(course I say this like in 1400 AD the Bay wasn’t full of the Ohlone. this place was basically always developed because...the weather’s hella good when it’s not on fire.)

Now if you go East--southern Utah looks like this, and parts of me wonder if maybe the artists thought they were taking the train all the way to Florida. Did the English dub add “we’re taking the train to the airport” because they knew there was no one in their right mind in America who would take a California-Florida train?

I have no other explanation for why the Bay Area looks like this, than to assume that this is an alternate California where there never was a Loma Prieta Earthquake and also one where Seto and Pegasus bought out and destroyed both Steve Jobs and Bill Gates. Which makes Seto and Pegasus sound like just real true heroes, never paving any sort of way for Mark Zuckerberg to happen and unintentionally (or intentionally who knows) screw up our elections.

Or maybe that was entirely Darts? Maybe it was Darts who’s been eating up the Bay, harvesting nerd souls for the leviathan and knowing that no one will miss these Twitter developers if Twitter never happens in the first place. Especially if he’s just ghosting entire Caltrains willy nilly.

But anyway, fun fact about the Caltrain that the creators of this show didn’t know--the train is a push-pull train, so...It has an engine on both sides of the train. Joey and Tristan...still have an engine. It would have never stopped, even with Tea’s incredible backward momentum.

This is normal train stuff and is something you should always assume about a commuter train that cannot afford the time to reattach the locomotive in order to turn around, but we forget about this in TV shows basically all the time.

However, there are fantasy rules that we give to TV that we sort of don’t extend to other places. We suspend our disbelief for things like this train stopping in a track that would, realistically, have another train passing by in 10 minutes anyway. Things like rogue waves that topple over ocean liners. Or CEOs in Silicon Valley who have ass-length blue hair that is tied with one single hair precarious band.

The point at which we no longer can suspend our disbelief when it comes to TV is SO interesting to me. Because I’m fully willing to let go of the fact that Caltrain is A Push-Pull train because it’s still a fun trope although this can never really happen to you on...almost any train at all anymore. But if this were a movie? People would be losing their freakin MINDS. Look what they did after Star Wars. They lost their entire minds over force-field science that doesn’t even exist.

Like, maybe the people who made this episode really do know that San Jose is the 3rd largest city in California, and that this is a push-pull train, and that there are no mesas anywhere near the ocean of San Fransisco. Maybe they did know that--but they decided to suspend our disbelief by pushing this Wild Wild West fantasy aesthetic SO HARD so it makes it believable although this is just...so wrong. Mostly because...it’s fun TV. Not because it makes any sense, but because I would like to have fun instead of thinking.

Which is also how most romance novels work ps. But Yugioh, although *almost* understanding the key ingredient to how romance actually works, I will assume never figures that out.

I hope.

Also, Rex is here.

Bro would like to bring up that Red Eyes is not a rare card in the real world. So Rex is going out of his way to venge a card that costs...$4.50 at Target. That’s less than a meal at McDonalds. This card may have been in a Happy Meal at McDonalds.

*pictured here, the actual canyons of San Jose*

So something that’s interesting between Yami and Joey is that Yami gives in basically immediately and decides to duel Weevil, who would be very easy to just gently push off of this train. Joey on the other hand, looks down at both of his punching fists and is like “why would I bother?”

Not that it mattered, it’s just interesting that even Joey has more restraint than Yami, who has 0 restraint, apparently, when it comes to dueling cards.

Joey has more restraint that Yami, and Joey is the kid who has tried to punch out Seto Kaiba in nearly every conversation he has ever had with Seto Kaiba over the last 4 seasons.

Also, Tea is just standing on top of this train like it’s a completely normal day outside. Girl has no fear.

Wouldn’t these people be covered in bug guts? Like how are they not getting assaulted by so many flies and birds?

But because she has no decent cards the Oricalchos just kicks her out? I dunno. There’s a lot of weird physics in the next scene.

And she just grabs onto a moving train with her bare hands. I feel like Tea is just so woefully overpowered in this group but for the wrong game. I say this a lot. She’s like their One Punch Man but will never, ever know.

So anyway, that was a long time between updates and now I’m out of sync and behind on everything so...hell knows when the next update will be. Depends on the length of episode I guess? Bro really wants to get to what comes next soon though. He’ll pester me until I do it.

Now I can’t mention Mountain Lightning without sharing with you what you do with 2-4 liters of Mountain Lightning after your brother leaves and then just...doesn’t have enough room for all of his Mountain Lightning AND his baby in his car, so he just leaves it in your house.

It’s called Mountain Dew Cake <-(that is a link) and it’s actually pretty damn good.

I made this once and fed it to a British person and they were like “this is so decadent--what’s in this?” and I uh didn’t know how to respond to that other than “it’s really just Mountain Dew, I’m so sorry” and that was a lie, because it was full of Mountain Lightning.

Anyway, if you just got here, this is a link to read these recaps in order.

[aflower-exe]

The one in which you get stuck in a closet with Baekhyun

[ 3:27pm ] A group project? Really? You look around the room at the faces of your classmates. Of course you would have to complete a group project in the one class that you have no friends in. “The assignment is simple. I want you and your partner to build a 3D diagram of your assigned biomolecule. The partners will be posted on the board. When the bell rings please move in an orderly fashion”

Your class definitely did not move in an orderly fashion. In fact one might say it was a downright bloodbath. Your classmates were pushing and shoving their way to the board as if it was the last piece of food during an apocalypse. You roll your eyes and take your time packing up. You were clearly in no hurry to see who your partner was. You actually kind of dreaded the thought. I mean there were some pretty bad options. You could be with Nayeon the ditzy popular girl who you swear has never not worn her bright pink blazer, or maybe Johnny the know it all who thinks speaking more than one language is a personality trait, or even worse you could have Irene who’s stare is said to be so cold that the temperature around her actually drops.

As the crowd dissipates, you walk up to the board. Your heart was pounding out of your chest as you glided your finger across the board in search of your name. “Y/N (Phospho)Lipid-” Lipids? Easy. You could draw a lipid molecule in your sleep. With a deep breath you move your finger over to see the name of your partner. “B A E ” Bae… Bae Suzy? You think that’s the pretty girl that always humming behind you but you’re not entirely sure. Either way you could’ve done a lot worse. “K” what? That’s not the next letter of bae suzy. Wait...It couldn’t be... “Looks like you and me are partners” You feel a long slender arm wrapping around your shoulder. Of all the people... you think, cursing silently. You throw Baekhyun’s arm off of you, giving him the space to maneuver himself in fromt of you. “Consider yourself lucky. It’s not everyday a girl like you gets to be partnered with someone like me” He smirks. You take a deep breath to suppress the rage building inside of you. “Lucky me” You reply between gritted teeth. You push pass Baekhyun and make your way through the halls, desperate to get home. “Hey wait up!” Baekhyun calls, he starts running to catch up, “Seriously for someone with such short legs you sure do walk fast.” You clench your fist and walk faster, hoping he’ll give up. “Hey, ____, slow down we need to talk” “Don’t worry about it. I’ll do the project myself and write your name on it, just leave me alone” you call over your shoulder, making sure you maintain your speedy pace. “No wait that’s not—” Baekhyun sighs and grabs your arm, stopping you from running away, then pulls you into a dark closet.

“What the hell!!” You scream, pulling away. “What is wrong with you?” “You weren’t listening,” He pants “and you walk so goddamn fast”. You squint your eyes but you can barely see his figure in the darkness. “Where even are we?” You ask. “I don’t know i thought this would be a classroom” You feel around for a light switch, patting down everything near you. Suddenly, you feel something… strange. It’s soft and warm and… damp. “Baekhyun… please tell me I’m touching your very sweaty arm” “... That’s not me” Baekhyun stutters. You feel your stomach start to drop, but before you could let out the scream that had been building inside of you, the lights flicker on. “A janitor's closet?With the way our class always looks i assumed we had no janitors” He frowns. “If that wasn’t you then what was—” You slowly turn your head to the large, moldy sponge that your hand was resting on. You gag and pull away, wiping the slime off of your hands and onto the wall. You reach your hand for the door and twist the doorknob gingerly, but it doesn’t open. “Baekhyun… it’s stuck” You twist on the knob again, this time with both hands but the door doesn’t budge. “Step aside…” Baek sighs. He moves your hand and pulls on the doorknob, twisting it with two hands. “____… I don’t know how to say this, but I think we’re stuck” You bang on the door and scream for help, but all the students and faculty are long gone. Baekhyun joins in, banging on the door, so ahrd you’re sure it’ll break. “This is all your fault. I offered to do the entire project by myself but you just had to stop me. Now we’ll never get it done.” “Hey, i was just asking you to slow down. As far as I’m concerned it was your unbridled bitchyness that got us into this mess.” “Oh fuck you” You say rolling your eyes in annoyance. “Wouldn’t you like to” You sigh pull your arms in close to your chest, scared of what might happen if you leave your fist unattended.

You and Baekhyun slouch onto the floor, making sure to keep as much space between the two of you. After a while the tense silence becomes peaceful, and you find yourself growing tired. You watch Baekhyun as he rests his head on the metal shelf behind him. Just when you think he’s fallen asleep, he starts to sing a soft tune. His voice is like honey, warm, smooth, and sickeningly sweet. No matter how much you despise him, you couldn’t help but feel soothed by his voice. You soon find it impossible to keep your eyes open, and before you know it, you’re asleep.

[ 7:45pm ] What a terrible dream… you think. You stretch your arms out and yawn loudly. Imagine being partnered with Baekhyun… god that would be terrible… “Good morning princess,” you have got to be kidding me “or evening. I don’t actually know what time it is my phone’s been dead for hours” You sigh loudly and Massage your temples, his presence already an annoyance, “Y’know I actually thought this was all a bad dream… i wish it was a bad dream” “Nice to know you’re dreaming about me” He smirks, a mischievous look gleaming in his eyes. “You are… infuriating… to say the least. I don’t care how cute you are I don’t know how girls put up with you” “So you admit that I’m cute?” You feel your face flush. You open your mouth to respond but you know the bright blush that shrouded your face was all the answer he needed.

The two of you find yoruself sitting in an awkward silence for what seems like forever. “So… do you have any plans tonight” Baek says, his voice smooth and confident. “Excuse me?” You say, a dark, angry blush rising to your cheeks. Baekhyun chuckles, “The project. We’re partners, remember?” “Pfft, duh! obviously! i mean what else would you have meant by that” You chuckle nervously. What else would he have meant? Did you expect him to ask you out? Did you want him to ask you out? Now it was Baekhyun’s turn to blush, but unlike you he looked you dead in the eye. “Stop looking at me like that” you say, avoiding his gaze. “Can I ask you a question” He says, his voice suddenly serious. You narrow your eyes at him, scanning his face for any sign of mockery, “Shoot” “Why do you hate me?” Woah. You were not expecting that. “What?” you stutter. “I’ve always been nice to you and yet you’ve always hated me.” He’s right. He may be egotistical and arrogant, but he was always nice to you. Why did you hate him? Was it his perfect voice or his perfect hair? Was it his effortless charm and gracefulness? Or maybe it was his smile that you could just spend eternity getting lost in. “You’re just so… perfect. All the girls like you, all the teachers like you, you drive a nice car and wear nice clothes. And you’re so nice to me! I go out of my way to be bitchy to you and you’re still nice. I just—” Baekhyun cuts you off by colliding his lips with yours. Of course, the kiss is perfect.His lips are soft and plush as they melt into yours. He tastes like piña colada lip balm and mountain dew, a strangely addicting combination.

When he pulls away his hand is still resting on your cheek. Before you can think, you reach your hand up and punch him dead in the face. The sound of your fist colliding with his nose seemingly amplified in the tiny closet. “What the fuck!” He screams, his hands holding his now less than perfect nose. “Why the hell did you kiss me?” You ask. You actually didn’t mind him kissing you. In fact, you wanted him to do it again. But you couldn’t let him know that. You’d never hear the end of it. “Why the hell did you break my goddamn nose?” “Hello? Is someone in there?” You hear a voice calling out from the hall. You stand up and move towards the door “He-” “SHHHH,” Baekhyun whispers, covering your mouth with his hand, “Do you want someone to come in and see that you broke my nose?” You push his hand away and turn to him, “Don’t you wanna get out of here???” Baekhyun pouts. He seems conflicted. “Yeah, but—” “Oh my god. You’re embarrassed that i broke your nose. Do you want me to lie to protect your delicate emotions?” “Oh fuck off—” Before you even get the chance to respond, the janitor door opens and you are greeted by the familiar fluorescent light of the hallway. In front of you stands a middle aged teacher who you’ve never seen before. “What are you two doing in here, school ended 4 hours ago. And why is he bleeding?” “Because he’s an idiot” The teacher squints her eyes at you, eyeing you up and down. “I didn’t know that idiocy caused people to start spontaneously bleeding from their nose” “I think it’s a new phenomenon. It’s chronic, very serious in fact i should be taking him to the hospital now”

You grab Baekhyun by the hand and hurry out of the school, “Thanks for saving us” you yell, not bothering to wait and hear the teacher response. Once the two of you are out of the door Baekhyun pulls away from you and stares. “Aren’t you gonna apologize?” “For what” “For breaking my nose!” Baekhyun huffs. He still has a hand covering his nose. “Sorry” You mutter “You are? You’re actually sorry” You press your lips together in an attempt to seal in the laugh that was threatening to erupt out of you. “No, not really” Baekhyun looks at you. For a moment it looks like he’s ready to scold you. His eyes look stern and he presses his mouth into a straight line. Then he starts laughing. His laugh is infectious.It’s light and airy and joyful and you can’t help but join in. As you laugh you can’t help but think, maybe he’s not so bad after all.

[ a/n: idk why i had so much trouble coming up with an ending to this lmao. This is lowkey cute i hope better writers revamp this idea someday. I really like the whole enemies to lover idea with Baekhyun. Hope you enjoy this!! ]

[tsthrace]

Once Upon a Time

Awhile back, I asked y’all to send me a song so I could take its energy, lyrics, and/or feeling and write you a 1,000-word Clexa fic.

This one shot is a VERY angsty take on Once Upon a Time by the Moody Blues, as requested by @cynic-and-a-saint​.

Lexa has betrayed Clarke. Clarke has gone into hiding. They can't stop thinking about each other. Not so much a one shot than a snapshot of all the things going on in their thoughts. Set in that sweet little gap between 2x16 and 3x01 where so many fab fics have been born.

You can also find it on ao3.

-----------------------------

There were moments when Clarke could rest in the beauty of this world. Moments when she opened the hatch of the bunker and the sun was peeking through the forest, lighting up the dew on the grass. Moments when chatting birds were all she could hear. Moments when she could feel the green and blue expanse of this world reaching far beyond the stupid conflicts of this particular place.

Moments when she could forget. Or remember. She wasn’t sure which she wanted more.

She remembered looking down on this planet from the Ark. She couldn’t see the destruction or the blood or the bullets. All she could see was everything at once and wonder how her people destroyed their miracle. She remembered when the drop ship landed, and she was sure she was about to die, but instead the planet was alive and endless.

Which is what she felt this day, her back against a tree as the sun spilled through the thick trees onto her face. She reached down for one of the blackberries in a pile on the ground next to her. She’d found a new cluster of the prickly bushes that morning and risked the pokes and scratches for the explosion of sweet and tart. She’d never tasted anything like them before she came to the ground. The Ark grew fruits and vegetables, yes, but they were stubborn and bland without natural sunlight and the secrets of seasoned soil to nourish them.

The first time she had tasted blackberries was in Ton DC. After Finn. Before…

In her mind, she lived a hundred lifetimes in that one night. A dozen times betrayed. A dozen times when she doesn’t pull the lever. A dozen times when Lexa stands fierce beside her. A dozen times when her life goes dark. A dozen times when the battle has ended, the celebrations have gone quiet, and they are together in the night.

Nothing happened. Everything happened.

Her sleep was haunted by images of children gasping for breath, their parents’ skin bubbling with radiation, an entire mountain dying. Her mind moved their pain and destruction to a city she’d never seen—children burning, men screaming, buildings tumbling, the flames closing in on their Commander whose eyes have finally gone fearful.

It was the least she deserved.

Clarke took a deep, jagged breath and picked up another blueberry. It tasted like a miracle. She was angry. Too angry. Move on. The voice in her head was harsh. She’s not worth it. She never has been. She shook her head. Every time, she waited for the flames to take Lexa, waited for her sash to catch and the shoulder piece to melt into her skin. But every time, she opened her eyes just as the flames licked at the Commander’s feet.

She never let Lexa burn.

---

“This has gotten out of control, Heda.” Titus paced back and forth across Lexa’s throne. “They’re calling her Wanheda.” He stopped and looked Lexa in the eyes. “She doesn’t deserve it.”

“Yes, she does,” Lexa said evenly. “We ran.” She looked down. “And she destroyed the Mountain.”

“You saved your people, Heda.” Titus squinted at her. “And she saved hers.”

Lexa wondered if he could see the worry in her eyes.

“She’s powerful, Lexa. Her legend grows. I’m told the Ice Queen searches for her as we speak. To take her power.”

Lexa wasn’t expecting how her heart skipped, but her face remained stone.

“Every moment she lives undermines your authority.”

Her head didn’t move, but her eyes darted like a blow in his direction. He wasn’t wrong.

She took in a slow breath, letting a thick silence settle over them. Finally, she let the breath out. “You’re right, teacher.” She saw the corner of his mouth lift just a millimeter. She knew him well enough to know that he thought he’d won. Lexa was careful not to let her face betray her own satisfaction. “We need to capture her, bring her to Polis.” She looked Titus in the eyes. “Quietly. And unharmed. I don’t want her weakened when I deal with her.”

“Yes, Heda.”

She saw the smile in his eyes as he bowed. He doesn’t know how well he trained me, she thought as she watched him stride out. Lexa waited until the sound of his feet disappeared down the hall.

“Give me the room,” she said to the guards. They nodded silently as they swung the doors closed behind them. When she heard them click shut, she let her body slump into the chair, her head resting against one of the branches that made up its back. After a moment, she stood up, pushed in the clasp of her shoulder piece, and let it fall with her sash into a red puddle onto the floor.

She let out a long breath and closed her eyes—which was always a mistake. She saw Clarke’s face whenever she let her eyes close. Torchlight. The edge of a battle. The Mountain. The weight of disappointment in those blue eyes wouldn’t let go of her. More sadness than anger, which made it almost unbearable.

Most nights, Lexa was barely sleeping.

She replayed the scene in her head over and over, cringing whenever she heard herself say, “I made this decision with my head and not my heart.” It was a lie. Worse, it was a lie she had convinced herself was true, at least at the time.

The truth was, Lexa couldn’t forget the moment she had risked everything she had built, everything she had become, in order to be close to Clarke. Her impenetrable strength. Her ruthless decisiveness. She set that all down when she pulled Clarke towards her and kissed her.

And Clarke had pulled away.

It stung. It stayed with her. It was with her at the Mountain. It was with her when she was given a choice. Her people or Clarke’s. She meant for her head to guide her, but when Clarke was nearby, there was no getting her heart out of the way. And her heart had been hurt.

Lexa bit her lip and shook her head hard. That’s not why I did it, she told herself over and over again. But the truth was, she didn’t know. She could never be sure. But the Commander had to be sure.

She rubbed her eyes and picked up her shoulder piece.

The truth was, Clarke made her vulnerable. And the truth was, sometimes Lexa wanted to be vulnerable.

---

Clarke rubbed her stomach. Too many blackberries. She smiled. It was worth it.

Her head spun as she heard a rustle behind her. She peeked around the tree and saw a squirrel digging in the leaves. She let out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding. She knew Bellamy and her mother would be looking for her. Niylah had mentioned Azgeda hunting parties creeping across Trikru land. Clarke stood up and rubbed her eyes. She should get back to the bunker. Everyone was searching for her. Except…

Thoughts tumbled through her mind without permission. Was I just a pawn? Did she ever care? She shook her head hard, berating herself. Let her go.

That night instead of fire she dreamed of the door. The armies ready to launch. Warriors straining and the door cracking open. The world halting with one word from the Commander. Emerson’s smirk. Lexa’s eyes in the torchlight.

Forgive me, she pleaded with her. Please.

She woke up in the pitch black of the bunker. She took a few heavy breaths in the dark then turned onto her side. Her pillow was wet where she had been crying. Her jaw clenched hard as she reached up to run her fingers over the wet cloth.

She said we would fight together. She said she trusted me. She said we would get our people back. Clarke’s jaw ached, and she noticed she hadn’t taken a breath. She closed her eyes, though it was all the same in the darkness of the bunker. I only asked for what my people needed. Not anything else. She leaned into me. She kissed me. I didn’t ask for that.

I didn’t ask for you.

More tears spilled down her face, and every tear brought a flash of anger so sharp she could feel it cutting into the lead floor of the bunker and drawing her into the dirt below.

I didn’t ask for you. The thought washed out like waves on a beach and then came back again changed and real and true: Come find me. The rhythm pulsed through her—the heat of anger then the blank emptiness of a longing she couldn’t exile. I didn’t ask for you. Come find me. Out and back again. Over and over.

Her jaw let go as her breath followed the rhythm. Finally, she drifted off into a black sleep.

Clarke woke up twelve hours later thirsty and with a sharp headache. She checked her supplies for the dried ginger turmeric tea that Niylah had given her for pain. One cup left, and enough dried meat for just another day or two.

She would need to visit the trading post again. But first, she needed to hunt.

[ao3feed-bemorechill]

all I need is one last chance (to prove I'm good enough for someone)

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/2MUtqvP

by aletterinthenameofsanity

Jeremy can’t do a lot of things anymore.

He can’t masturbate, can’t slouch, can’t think of the taste of Mountain Dew without feeling phantom shocks travelling down his body.

-

Jeremy has nightmares that leave him waking up with a scream wedged between his teeth and sweat coating his body. He has nightmares of what might have happened if the SQUIP had succeeded, if Michael hadn’t shown up, if-

The ifs haunt Jeremy. He fucked up so bad, and the consequences could have been so much worse if Michael hadn’t been the best friend a guy could ask for.

Jeremy still blames himself for everything that happened and everything that could have happened. Michael and a lot of Jeremy’s friends went through hell because of Jeremy’s desire to be popular.

-

“You’re allowed to hate it,” Rich says, and Jeremy blinks at him.

“What?”

“The SQUIP. You’re allowed to hate it for what it did to you.”

“It just made me realize my flaws-”

“No, it didn’t. Dude, you’re a good guy. Whatever that SQUIP told you- it was fucking wrong."

-

(Jeremy deals with the aftermath of the SQUIP. He fucks up, falls in love, and figures things out.)

Words: 4806, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Fandoms: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz

Rating: Mature

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Categories: M/M

Characters: Jeremy Heere, Michael Mell, Chloe Valentine, Rich Goranski, The Squip (Be More Chill), Brooke Lohst, Christine Canigula, Jake Dillinger

Relationships: Jeremy Heere/Michael Mell, Rich Goranski & Jeremy Heere, Jeremy Heere & Chloe Valentine, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Jake Dillinger/Rich Goranski

Additional Tags: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Dubious Consent, Past Sexual Assault, this was supposed to be fluffy and happy, but then I actually started listening to the musical again, and shit there's a lot of traumatizing things that happened, like "do you wanna hang" is sexual assault, and the shock will fuck up the brain, Scars, haha i will shit on your happiness before giving you a happy ending, and you will fucking enjoy it, also on the list of things Jeremy and Michael have to deal with, is the fact that all of the cool kids used to bully them, because that's lots of fun, having your new friends be the people who used to assault you in the hallway, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Rape Recovery, Recovery is the name of the game folks, Implied Sexual Content, First Time, Bisexual Jeremy Heere, also liberal references to the Lightning Thief musical, because that shit is awesome, Consent Issues, Self-Doubt, Post-Canon, concept: Jeremy singing Good Kid, which is a GOOD concept, No Proofreading We Die Like Men, Established Relationship

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/2MUtqvP

[2016-17creativewriting-blog]

I’ve been dreaming weird.

I can’t hear you, the cicadas are so loud.

Wind twisting the trees,

blowing through the open window and scattering my papers

across the floor,

around the house. The lighting bugs showing off, love.

Next to this river before a storm.

The stars in their hiding places

the morning pushing away the night, upstream

the unforgiven are pure didn’t mean much

didn’t mean you. Either the dew didn’t set

last night or the sun pulled it up before we woke.

Blank skies away in their own minds,

walking down the street.

They didn’t see you there, or worse,

not walking, not looking.

The river’s dam has been porous since

back when the dam didn’t do much and the river was high

like the times my dad talks about, when he was a kid and the old

man told my dad of when the river was higher even before then,

when the old man himself was a kid.

Old man, how did you die? They said you went

night fishing and the boat got away. You jumped in and drowned.

My grandfather fished for silversides on this river.

He said they found an old river boat floating downstream.

They kept it tied up and built a dock around it. Then the river

froze one winter and that spring it washed away.

Comparing water to past

shoes to strangers

landscape and time

weather and others

spiritual autobiography

short history of my time

Short history of time

landscape was never the subject matter

language was the subject, God.

You’re walking in the water and down the street

Your pants rolled up, your hair shorter

That old church in roan mountain,

Someone shot one of the men singing.

I don’t know why, it was back in the time of riding horses.

On the radio,

why does medication hurt this kind of hurt?

He said he stole all the rhinestones out of Carolina

Don’t look back. Turn the channel.

I lost myself in the corn field and yelled my way out.

The moonshine in the evening rising moon

circle my uninvited.

Hotel in the desert.

Strange dream.

Floating down the canals of cities I have never seen,

boats floating, for no apparent reason, just to say they can.

Water sloshing up the walls. Girls that sit and watch

from the boats and from the streets, their lizard boots,

black jeans with slits cut in the knees,

How to not find someone in this?

There was plenty to chase after, but not for you.

Stealing the evening from time once in our life,

while I spent half the summer looking for shoes.

Someone asked me if they should cut their hair and I don’t

know it’s just boring how all girls look the same.

Don’t be mean to yourself

came from the meanest one,

even worse to herself.

Blue, white morning

waiting for me now alone in the subtle way

people leave you in your sleep.

Mexico must be made for us to hide.

My mind keeps running over in a rusted pickup truck,

sun at noon drying me out.

Blue mist coming up after the sun

river disappearing in the summer

snapping turtles laying on the grass

shooting down when they see me coming out the other side.

That box of things you kept

with a name in it. I figured,

you wanted to be remembered.

I don’t know the fun in that.

Do I understand?

Car driving away from my self

I can’t be my own back seat driver,

with nothing to trade.

Dry south wind blowing in my face and through the long dead grass on this mountain

the sun coming down at the end of a picture book

I’ve been scratching against this paper the way a dog licks

water out of a bucket, or more like, the way a trout

rises to the surface, and lifts it’s upperhalf out of the water.

Nothing to trade with and little nothing at that.

Mad fingers in a haunted house on a bloody fret broad

sunset loser with a sensitizer

Pack up my laugh like drug I can’t stop.

All the sudden,

I don’t want it anymore.

I don’t feel like wearing shoes today.

All the sudden, the night is slipping into the morning

I packed my shades to leave.

Upper corner of the book with the theme standing on the roof

looking down through my hair

darkness after the evening redness in the west.

Black and white theaters

selmer glowing light flashing in my mind.

Slow tremolo.

Nashville cooking my mind. Summer heating the mornings

quicker as the leaves turn strange.

I think you’re more ready than anyone.

I think you’ll greet the end of the world like an old friend and hug his neck.

I think you’ll see him and if not,

you’ll die anyway.

Robbers stealing the night away like all my Beatles records I needed.

Not cool man, not cool.

I’d kick those kids in the neck,

if they didn’t exit so quickly any way.

Soundless and effortless, or at first, but not afterward maybe.

No, definite, like tying down a boat and losing your watch.

Signals.

The world I’ve been sitting in silence wasting

I wanted time to move slower

Rubber Soul tripping up my stairs

lost in Los Feliz with some kid, standing for double meanings.

When will you come back, again in the night for me to hug your neck like death on a train?

Love in strobe light black light. Nobody else came close.

I’m taking a nap for once in my life,

hang up the phone, pull your cover up tight.

Mascara in the rain—

margarita like lemonade.

Shaggy happenings.

Rain sleeping through the day and then coming to me in the night.

With umbrellas we went out in the mud and jumped off the ledges

dark cameras with no moonlight and no alibi.

What’s coming to me,

you or the rain?

Get in my truck and we’ll drive out to lost crystal canyons.

You were lost and I was chasing my own imagery,

where I found out where you got off,

now, do you wish you were lost, question-mark.

All my stunts still look like someone else anymore.

I got an apple watch and some Jack Daniels.

Looking out the window my neighbor

running the trash down the driveway, the legs of her pajamas

tucked in her shoes, hair in her mouth.

Walking to the tennis courts,

someone ran over a rattle snake,

tiny massasauga eyes looking up at me.

Sistrurus Cartnnatus Edwardsii

we’re just making it worse.

Fashion keeps biting its tail, because it tastes good.

What is Boxing Day? The day after Christmas,

good to know.

I’ve got itchy bones and I’m going to New York.

I’ve been told they’ve got something in the air,

intangible and sparky that makes October sunshine a little less or a little later.

The way the Tennessee river has something hotter than the same thing here,

a difference in dialect or handwriting.

Putting on makeup in the dark.

You’re not coming back again

standing all alone in the corner with his antennas up.

Mister I want to disappear like you.

I’m not paying taxes and I’m not talking anymore.

I’ve been dreaming to an Ex-Beatle album,

waking, hanging off the bed by 5 AM.

Funny smile running through my telegram

Break your feet heels.

Everything I’ve started, I’ve not liked

                                 I’ve stopped

I’ve got some aces up my sleeve.

Not waving, drowning.

Presentation of fashion and comp. of words.

Laying on your cot, but no train whistles and you’re not alone.

Is she going to impress me, art?

God or the measure of yourself by self infliction?

God. Everytime.

Tie my shoes.

I keep forgetting it’s Halloween-

         make noises.

Walking in the dark with too much grace,

us fools on parabellum,

reading Frankenstein commentary in the dark.

Someone rolled toilet paper around my truck.

I think it was Haden McMillan.

Tapping on my desk.

Snapping my fingers. Slow.

Looking out my least favorite window.

2nd grade I looked at my least favorite face for about 7 hours a day.

What satisfaction, what hot bowl of ice cream,

freezing just in time,

do people get from cutting the grass

growing from their dirt?

Third party insight … I guess.

Sprouting seeds wanting only an inch or two, but I look down and feel the half inch or quarter

between my toes. Yes … I would guess.

It is good.

I keep cutting my face in the shower, shaving.

If I didn’t shave in the shower I wouldn’t.

I saw a man wearing lipstick. No vanity.

Daylight savings and smoke this fall.

It rained Tuesday night and I woke with leaves on my windshield,

But the fires started again on Friday, on Holston Mountain and the smoke got worst on Sunday

night. It’s been so hot tomatoes grew until November.

Playing on the floor with your wheelchair in your mouth

says the one in muddy boots

Sleight of hand keep me guessing

there is something against the protagonist

off the streets

up in an apartment for the right lady to wander her way around.

World War II in photographs,

aesthetics of the dark, there’s nothing to lose when you can’t see

what you’re stumbling around.

The right eyes in the right place.

middle part girl with a diamond shaped face.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled

you’re here, but I’m a little lost

I’m, doing it and I still don’t understand.

It could change at any moment, but I don’t like thinking that.

I could run around, but instead

I sit at home and read the dictionary in the dark and change up my hair

She plays guitar with her left hand in aching pain.

Strip off your heels and put on your avocado mask.

I had a nightmare last night

you were in the paper again.

It sounds like a dirty chord in the minor bond girl’s Christmas song

Your mother’s a fish.

><(((“>

Guitar solo, you drink too much

Makes him drink just the same

Yabba dabba doo

I know the weather in heaven. To bed, early, with no dessert.

That’s what it’s like.

Making fun of the dead in all our free time.

I don’t want to live in a city and I don’t want to work.

Oh lord, how the evening falling,

the world standing still, watching a finger turning the lights

Low, just low enough to see, two eyes looking down on me.

White teeth grin, extra teeth.

I’m not enjoying the street lights so far,

when it should be dark, at least outside.

I want to be able to use a telescope.

That should be a measurement in find the luminance of darkness.

Enough lux for a telescope to function-

when buying a house one should take this into account.

I keep finding myself standing in corners,

Around the house, or in an unfamiliar room,

I’ll find myself there. And if there is some obscure corner in the space of all your things,

I’ll be there in your clutter of corner objects, if you’re looking, or if,

You find me, by chance alone.

Upside down, in your closet, I scratched my name into your wall.

I feel tall when I see you in there. And the only mark

I’ve made in this world was stretching my shirt and the construction of a gazebo

that has yet to be built, but all the elephants are sitting around, waiting.

I read a book of poetry by an old painter’s

widow, which broke my soul and left me

shaking in my skeleton.

How conviction came to be in a used book sale,

I decided was the result of the death of the previous

owner, which I’ve concluded must happen to us all, and certainly me.

I remember sitting on the floor in the kitchen,

Don’t call me. I hate you.

That’s funny.

What’s funny?

That’s sad.

What’s sad?

                                             The French

                                             Rock and roll

                                             Genius

Moved from Paris to L.A.

That’s not sad, that’s funny.

What’s funny?

The French rock and roll genius moved to L.A.

I’ve got something sad to make me

lie in the floor and form sentences that don’t end with punctuation, but run

on in the space around my head and hang there.

The washouts that think they’ve discovered a new sadness.

Rain forests, and the shortness of time.

I’m waiting for them to have something real to think,

I’ll have it all figured.

I’m a step ahead.

I’m across the river,

(8>/–< in my flying saucer.

I’ve laid on the floor for three weeks and now

I’m ready to wrestle an alligator.

Show your teeth and put your lippy on.

Hoffner guitars and slimy pizza,

I’m going to use the edge of my hand, cut out what I

don’t like looking at. What’s in my head that I don’t love?

Every spring my dad watched the trees fill up the top of Beck Mountain,

from the road, just a few inches of the top divisor between the sky and the new green leaves.

he took one or two added to mean summer is here and planted tomatoes, but he

doesn’t do that anymore.

He doesn’t look for the trees, he just knows when it’s ready, and time to plant.

Dodging bullets,

your rapid fire questionnaire.

I’ve been caught,

what a slippery slide guitar,

I knew there would be music but I had no idea the rhythm.

I knew you’d take me by surprise but you cheated the cards and still lost.

Looking from behind the eyes of a painting in a haunted house at the lounge

lizard holding onto the dark iced scotch,

Mister Goodnight behind the black and white telecaster,

howling at the moon from the bathtub to the bar.

Make sure you ain’t got a tail and you don’t look like a ghost.

Organ Halloween

something spooky in my rear view mirror.

Long finger nails, the little flames and sparky girls.

Pattie Boyd.

fingermonkey.

Grace Kelly.

Alexa Chung.

Preextinguishing the celestial bodies and flicking the cigarette out early.

Spitting at the camera. Old film—as long as I keep gravity downhill,

I’ll find something to write about.

As long as I keep inertia far away, I can find a girl.

I think so.

By the end of the novel I consider the antagonist to be immoral.

Summer again, hanging things out

mixing our potion under moonlight again.

Blonde and shirtless

fuzz French thin toast

18” Paiste 505 chaos and confusion

I’m the aviator, the fully qualified survivor.

My parents are arguing over a dog’s smile.

I’ve got sand in my hair and you’re in a movie star trance,

making noises in your sleep in the passenger seat,

you have no idea how much I drink in my sleep.

I wrote a letter in the desert

that I’m not going to send until Christmas

If you go to jail, I won’t bail you out, but I’ll come visit,

          I’ve got a hole in my pocket.

I’ve got some money hiding in the lining of my jacket.

I’m going to spend everything on deeply superficial

               put the queen out of power.

I’m turning into a natural actor

waking up in places different to those which I’ve fallen asleep to, and these strange sitcom scenarios

in which I play the part so well,

have no meaning at all and feels like a script you’d rather read than watch.

[aion-rsa]

Lego Star Wars Holiday Special Is Everything Star Wars Doesn’t Need Right Now

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This Thanksgiving, around the time we’ll all be reading articles online about whether or not it’s safe to insult your extended family in person, or over Zoom, there will also be a new Star Wars “festive” product to watch on Disney+. The Lego Star Wars Holiday Special is coming whether your want it or not, and even if you haven’t paid attention to any of the other Lego Star Wars things, something in the Force tells me everyone is going to have an opinion about this thing specifically.

Stream your Star Wars favorites right here!

In an exclusive report, USA Today revealed that the special will reunite Rey, Finn, and Poe Dameron to celebrate Life Day, the Star Wars holiday first introduced in the original Holiday Special that aired on CBS in 1987. Executive producer Josh Rimes described the new special as It’s a Wonderful Life but in the Star Wars universe. Rey will meet a young Luke Skywalker via time travel, and there will also be Lego versions of other Wookiee characters from the original special.

So, Lego Rey is going to meet the ghosts of Star Wars past a la A Christmas Carol, and the whole thing is going to be zany and heartwarming, right?

Well, maybe.

Previous Lego Star Wars projects almost always emphasize goofy humor, with varying degrees of success. But, when it comes to this new holiday special, to paraphrase the opening theme song of A Series of Unfortunate Events, we really should look away. Just because there’s a cutesy new Star Wars thing that is threatening to mine nostalgia from the entire saga AND the embarrassing 1978 Holiday Special, doesn’t mean we need to watch it.

Star Wars fans should think hard about what this kind of thing really is: A subpar Star Wars product which has the same relationship to actual Star Wars as “cheese product” has to real cheese. Even before it airs, The Lego Star Wars Holiday Special combines the three things that are the most embarrassing about Star Wars junk: The tendency to make cool Star Wars things into reductive Lego romps, nostalgia as a product, and a dishonest love for the objectively terrible 1978 Holiday Special.

Like Darth Vader swooping in on Rebel pilots Dutch and Tiree during the Death Star trench run, let’s knock out those first two real quick. Most of the Lego Star Wars movies and shows are not very cool and destroy their own potential by being Lego products. I mean, the best Lego Star Wars thing is The Freemaker Adventures. Not only does that series star mostly entirely new characters (the Freemaker family) but it’s closer to canon, and best of all, it features the most powerful Black family in Star Wars.

And yet, for all of the good things about The Freemaker Adventures, it’s still not quite canon, and that’s mostly because of the Lego aspect. This bothers me. It’s the most racially diverse version of Star Wars, but it’s relegated mostly to a Lego-joke. Why not feature these characters in a regular Star Wars thing?

Lego Star Wars isn’t necessarily evil, and it’s (probably?) not hurting anyone, but anything interesting or progressive that happens in a Lego Star Wars thing (like the Freemakers) is undone by the fact that it is Lego. It’s impossible to take it seriously, and while fans of Lego Star Wars stuff will tell me to lighten up, I’d like to point out that it’s possible to be funny without being zany. Star Wars already has a fantasy hyperbolic artifice by nature. The Lego version just reduces it to a toy ad, an overtly commercial venture designed to entice you to buy Star Wars-themed Lego kits.

Look, a saga-spanning Star Wars Holiday Special doesn’t sound bad on its face, but the question is: why does this have to be Lego? Why not just an animated Star Wars Holiday Special done in the style of Forces of Destiny or The Clone Wars? The premise sounds fun: Rey discovers the World Between Worlds from Rebels and then travels back in time to meet everyone significant from all of Star Wars. Thinking about this as a piece of non-Lego animation is much more exciting. Thinking about it as a Lego thing just telegraphs out the message ahead of time: This is just a new notch in Disney’s partnership with the toy company.

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What would happen if you had a Star Wars Holiday Special sponsored by 7-Eleven and all the characters were just drinking Slurpees the whole time? This is kind of why I hated the Michael Bay Transformers movies; they were commercials for Hummers, Camaros, and Mountain Dew. At its worst, Star Wars is a commercial for its own merch and toys, and adding Lego on top of that just makes it seem all that more superficial.

Which brings me to the larger point. This feels desperate. If Star Wars — as a brand — were trying to mitigate some of the sourness caused by The Rise of Skywalker, this doesn’t feel like the way to go. If the Sequel Trilogy proved anything, it’s that nostalgia will only get you so far. Playing the hits is fun at first but bringing the Emperor back for reasons in the third act of a trilogy that’s supposed to be about a new generation of heroes shows a lack of imagination…and an unwillingness to move forward.

And the Lego Star Wars Holiday Special shows that Disney has learned nothing on that front. Why does Star Wars have to pay any kind of homage to the 1978 Holiday Special in 2020? The original Holiday Special is a media product that George Lucas himself wishes he could take back. Look. I know it’s funny to say “Release the Holiday Special, you cowards.” But, come on. It’s really bad. Do you want to see Chewbacca’s uncle or whatever low-key masturbating to weird dancing girl holograms? Do you want to see Mark Hamill’s bizarre haircut? Do you want to see Carrie Fisher furious that she has to put words to the Star Wars theme song?

The Holiday Special is Star Wars on coke, trying to play it cool at a five-year-old’s birthday party. It is not a good look. George Lucas was right. We shouldn’t have nostalgia for things that are truly terrible just because there are kitschy aspects to them that are interesting to pop culture historians. Nobody actually liked the Star Wars Holiday Special when it aired, and that’s not because people were wrong. It’s just bad.

Yes, the brief animated cartoon which introduced Boba Fett is cool. But we have a wonderful live-action version of this called The Mandalorian. Where’s my animated 20-minute Baby Yoda Christmas Special? Doesn’t that automatically sound better than this Lego thing? Want to evoke some real nostalgia that actually won’t suck? Why not do a holiday episode of The Mandalorian, but in the animation style from 1978? THAT would be cool. In comparison, The Lego Star Wars Holiday Special feels like the extension of a marketing deal that is being passed off as a narrative. It may fool very young kids, but older ones (including those in their 30s and 40s) should know better.

Nobody asked for a Lego Star Wars Holiday Special. Let’s not repeat history by just trying to do the same thing, but only worse. The path to the Dark Side often comes from many kinds of negative tendencies— greed, jealously, fear — but the one we tend to leave out is the one Star Wars displays the most often: bad taste. 

The Lego Star Wars Holiday Special premieres on Nov. 17 on Disney+.

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