#it takes a lot. mentally especially. because there's also the added guilt? whenever i get money. even from jobs my mind

[castielsprostate]

I'm nosy af. I want to see Misha's bank statements and tax returns. I genuinely wonder (like, all the time) what decent rich people (not asshole rich people.. i know what they spend their money on) actually spend their money on. I've never had money. I spend everything i get on food and rent. I go into debt buying shampoo and deodorant. my laptop is 12 years old (and i had to get a loan to buy that and pay it off over five years.) My phone is newer (2016) but was a secondhand gift. I don't own a car. I don't have any pets. I've never in my life been on vacation. I have no insurance, I'll never be able to afford a house and I will almost certainly die tens of thousands of dollars in debt. (I looked into funeral expenses recently and thought FUCK i can't even afford to die!) I wonder what it feels like to.. not live like this? Misha was poor as a kid. I wonder if you get used to wealth if you've been dirt poor? Like i wonder if Dolly Parton is used to being rich now, decades after growing up in a shack with no electricity or running water. I can't even imagine ever getting used to not worrying about having enough food. If I was ever that rich (don't have to worry about food or rent money) I think i'd feel like the wealthiest person in the world. I legit can't even imagine it though. It would take me 20 years to earn $250,000, but Misha can do it in a weekend. Crazy world. (This is not a criticism of him. I love him. I bet he spends a lot of that money doing good things. I'd love to see his receipts, tho.)

oh anon i feel you!!!!! i grew up with literally eating 50p macaroni every day for WEEKS. in the winter we didn't have connected heating because we just couldn't pay for it so we had a diesel generator (this was in 2006). it got better, we got heating (sort of lmao) and we could afford wayyy more when my mum got a job. the little bits of money i got, i never got used to it, it always felt like this is the last im getting i need to save this and not spend that but it didn't go away but the feeling stayed. the feeling of "you're gonna lose this next month" doesn't go away. and we're talking an amount of 1k a month here lmao sjsjsjs i could NEVER imagine having to not worry about rent or food or getting clothes i need or new shampoo. right now i'm worrying about the 15€ i need for some things i genuinely need, but literally dont have the money for. the world would seem so much brighter if I wouldn't even have to look at my bank account and just put the card down yknow?

i dont think anyone that grew up poor, even misha or dolly tbh, every get used to having money :/ and as you said, he makes that in a weekend now (though he also donates a lot of money and uses it for good, a lot is going into investments, his kids' funds etc) but i still think he has that underlying worry gnawing at him that this is it and he's gonna have to do xyz and sell yzx and take up zyx job. it's a never ending pool of anxiety and stress that never ebs and it probably hits him right before going to bed

but then again, i'm just tumblr user castielsprostate what do i know

[jaskierswolf]

Weight on My Shoulders

A very self-indulgent prequel to my not so kinky soulmate AU (Tumblr/AO3).

Any references to events or messages involving my own darling soulmate @geraltrogerericduhautebellegarde is purely coincidental. I promise we are much more needy than this.

Ship: Geraskier (pre-romantic)

CW: Far too much pining, mentions of anxiety, long distance friendships

_____

Jaskier pouted as he wrapped himself up in his weighted blanket and duvet. Even with the additional weight he was struggling to sleep properly, but it did help. What would really help was a hug from his soulmate, but that was off the table. Geralt was a bazillion lightyears away, all the way in America, and Jaskier was stuck in miserable, grey England. They’d been talking online for two years, and the distance wasn’t getting any easier. If anything it was getting worse, and Jaskier wasn’t sure how much more he could take of it.

“Jask, you’re falling asleep, love,” Geralt hummed from the too bright screen that was lighting up his room. “Go to bed.”

“I’m in bed,” Jaskier huffed.

“Go to sleep, we can talk more in the morning.”

Jaskier whined, sinking further into his blanket burrito. “But I have work again tomorrow, I don’t want to sleep. I want to talk to you. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Geralt sighed, smiling warmly at him through the screen, “But I will be here when you wake, I promise.”

“I’d rather you be here with me.”

It was pathetic. Jaskier knew it was pathetic, but he just felt a warmth in his chest, a ghost of Geralt’s arms around him.

“I’m always here” Geralt hummed in his mind.

Jaskier leaned into Geralt’s mental embrace, letting himself soak in the glow of his soulmate’s warmth. He was struggling to keep his eyes open which didn’t really matter but he only had a few hours each day to video call his soulmate and he hated wasting any of them. It had been worse the last few days. Essi and Pris had announced they were going to honeymoon in New York, and whilst they wouldn’t see Geralt, they would be a whole lot closer than Jaskier had ever been. He’d even considered asking to tag along in their suitcases so he could afford the trip to the States.

He just missed Geralt so fucking much.

“I love you,” he mumbled again, wiping the tears from his eyes that he hadn’t even realised had formed. “I love you more than Dandelion.”

He tried to laugh but it sounded weak to his own ears. Dandelion was a musician, just like he was hoping to be, a beautiful tall elegant man with gorgeous long blond curls, and a laugh that could outshine a thousand suns. He was also Jaskier’s celebrity crush and inspiration. Jaskier had been obsessed since he was sixteen, secretly hoping that Dandelion was his soulmate. Not much had changed since meeting Geralt in his dreams. He was still completely obsessed with the musician, only his daydreams tended to include Geralt as well, a fact that his soulmate thankfully found endearing.

“Wow,” Geralt chuckled, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “That’s high praise.”

“It’s true! I would renounce my love of Dandelion for mere seconds in your arms,” Jaskier insisted, “and then I would never let you go and you’d be stuck with me.”

“It would be hard to work with a Jaskier in my arms.”

Jaskier scoffed, rubbing his eyes. “You’ll manage.”

“Sleep, Jask,” Geralt’s words were a low hum, added weight to his blanket and Jaskier could feel himself slipping. He supposed it was only a matter of time really, it was nearly midnight and Jaskier had to get up at an ungodly hour for work. “For me.”

And really that was just unfair. Geralt knew that Jaskier would do anything for him. He was just that desperate for attention, although despite his slightly less dramatic personality, Geralt could be equally needy, if you knew how to read him.

“That’s cheating,” Jaskier whined.

“I never said I play fair.”

“Betrayed by my own soulmate,” Jaskier pouted as Geralt hung up the call and his tiny little bedroom fell into darkness. Without the light of his phone, Jaskier was fighting a losing battle. “I love you, dear heart.”

“I love you too, a lot. Too much.”

Jaskier scoffed, turning to hug his pillow. “Never too much, never enough. Goodnight, my love”

“Night, Jask.”

_______

When he awoke the next morning, Jaskier had a notification on his phone. It wasn’t unusual. Geralt often left him little messages, pictures of Roach, or things that had reminded him of Jaskier throughout the day. Sometimes, if Jaskier was lucky, Geralt would leave him gifs of Dandelion, and on even rarer occasions, awkward selfies that were never flattering despite Geralt’s godlike appearance. Jaskier treasured every single one. But no, that morning he had a more unusual notification.

It was from Lambert.

They’d talked a couple of times, mostly in a group chat whenever Geralt wanted to include Jaskier on family film night or playing games online, which Jaskier was shockingly terrible at, especially the shooting games the boys preferred. Lambert had never DM’d Jaskier before though. There had never been an occasion to, so why bother?

So Jaskier was feeling more than a little anxious about clicking on the message.

“Geralt?” he tested, although he was pretty positive that his soulmate was asleep. Geralt would usually at least say good morning when he was awake, but there had been nothing but silence through their soulbond.

It came as no surprise when Geralt didn’t answer.

His phone buzzed again in his hand, another message from Lambert.

“Bollocks,” Jaskier groaned, sitting up in bed so he could find his glasses. They were buried under his blanket and looking a little bent out of shape but that was nothing new.

L - Guess who’s coming to England on a business trip!

Jaskier’s heart jumped and hope soared through his body, a flutter of wings in his chest as his pulse raced, only to be destroyed in the next second.

L - It’s not Geralt, shit. I should have started with that.

- It’s me.

- I’m coming to England. Found out this morning. All expenses paid. - I’ll be in London for a week, if you want to meet up?

Jaskier stared at his phone. He was excited, of course he was but he couldn’t help the ache in his heart. His friend was coming to England. Geralt’s family was coming to England. That was one step closer to meeting his soulmate in person, but it wasn’t far enough. He felt like shit. Guilt tore through him. Lambert was clearly excited about his news and yet all Jaskier could think of was how he wasn’t Geralt.

Maybe he could give Lambert something to take back to Geralt. They’d sent letters and parcels back and forth but it would be different like this, and he should be excited. He should be over the fucking moon.

And truth be told, if he hadn’t felt so incredibly needy already he probably would have been more excited, but his heart was feeling fragile. Jaskier had spent the last week or so wondering if Geralt loved him back in a romantic way, or whether they would just be the dearest of friends. Whatever it was, Jaskier would be fine. That’s how soulbonds worked. They would be perfect for one another, platonically or romantically but Jaskier fell hard and fast.

Surely Geralt would love him back in the same way, right?

Jaskier was too afraid to ask at this point. He just kept saying “I love you” and hoping that Geralt would hear the truth. Neither of them had spoken about dating other people, but Jaskier knew there was no hope for him. Perhaps the odd fling, but he’d tried that once and without the connection he had with Geralt, he just wasn’t really into it.

He sighed dramatically and picked up his phone.

J - That’s fucking brilliant!!

He added a stream of emojis for good luck.

J - and all expenses paid for?! Drinks are on you, darling x

L - You should be so lucky.

- Pay for your own drink you cheapskate.

Jaskier squinted at the screen, pushing his fringe from his face. His tongue flicked out to lick his lips, and he ignored the dryness in his throat. Logically, he knew he should get up and get some water but his bed was comfy and he didn’t quite want to face the day yet, especially as Geralt was asleep. Things just felt heavier when Geralt was asleep.

He sighed again and tapped out a message.

J - Can you sneak Geralt in your suitcase?

- I’ll pay for the luggage fee <3

Lambert started typing immediately and Jaskier waited with bated breath. It had been a joke but there was always a chance that Lambert would be allowed a plus one… right?

L - I’m afraid not

- I’m sorry. I know you want to meet.

- Geralt is just as upset. The bastard hasn’t spoken to me all day.

Jaskier couldn’t help but laugh at that. He’d sensed something had been bothering his soulmate, especially when Geralt was the one to insist they video-called before Jaskier went to bed, but it was nice to hear that he wasn’t the only one being pathetic and unreasonably grumpy. Sometimes it felt like Jaskier felt everything and Geralt was just putting up with him because he didn’t have much choice. In his heart, Jaskier knew that wasn’t true, that Geralt just showed his love in a more sedate manner.

Opposites really do attract.

He sighed and switched chats, typing out a quick message to his soulmate.

J - I miss you. I love you. I will be unbearably needy today. Sorry!

Flipping his phone to the camera app, Jaskier snapped a quick selfie. He looked like a mess of stubble, glasses and ratty hair… but Geralt never seemed to mind.

J - Isn’t your soulmate the best?

- Love me?

- I love you

- I already said that but it’s true.

Jaskier cursed and threw his phone onto the end of the bed before remembering that he hadn’t answered Lambert yet. He pouted and scrambled to find his phone again, struggling against the weight of his blanket. The blanket did wonders for his ADHD but it could be a pain in the arse to move sometimes. Reluctantly, he switched back to Lambert’s chat.

J - I can’t wait to show you around! Ooh we could go to the natural history museum, I’m sure some of the stuffed animals look just like you! Or maybe a show!

L - Not sure how much I’’ll be able to hang out, but we’ll have to get a photo to show Geralt.

- He’ll probably be jealous.

- But he’ll manage.

Jaskier rolled his eyes. Siblings could be the worst. He’d never really gotten on well with his own sisters but he could imagine having Lambert for a brother would be a hundred times worse. Still, he smiled at his phone. Geralt would be jealous. Geralt wanted to meet him. That was a good thing, no matter how much Jaskier pined to see his soulmate over Lambert.

This was a start.

One day.

They would meet one day, and then Jaskier would never have to let him go. He just had to be patient… for now.

[imkylotrash]

Golden

Pairing: Sky x reader

Requests: The reader is Stella’s sister but Sky is secretly in love with her and he confesses. Anonymous

and

Could you write where sky is with a princess of solaria (Stellas sister) and they attempt to keep it secret from Stella and set before the summer of the events on the fate the winx saga is set.

A/N I paired these request because they were so similar and would have the exact same plot line. Will be doing this to a couple of the requests since they’re so similar. 

“Free at last!” you exclaim as you walk out the doors of Alfea with Sky in tow. You’ve finally finished your last exam and now it’s time to just enjoy the summer. 

“So, what’s your plans then?” Sky asks propping his arm around your shoulders. There’s nothing new in this but you still get butterflies. At this point, it’s just a given whenever he touches you. 

“Oh, you know. Travelling through the realms, visiting all my rich friends. I may even buy a yacht just to pass the time.” It’s a bit of an inside joke between you and Sky. He knows you’ll have to return to Solaria and face the dragon. 

“What about you? Will you be alright?” You’re a little worried about leaving him here. Stella had decided to dump him just days before the exams once again proving that the girl had no regard for other people. Needless to say, you weren’t the biggest fan of your sister. She always tried to live up to your mother’s expectations and acted more than royally around school whereas you had decided that the disappointed frown your mother wore every time you saw her actually suited her face. 

“Yeah,” he says shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans, “I’ll be fine. I have Silva.” It’s right then and there you decide that there’s a greater need for you here than hiding away back in Solaria. 

“You know, my mother is already profoundly disappointed in me. I don’t think it would make much of a difference if I were to stay.” Sky’s smile is brighter than the sun when he realises you’ll be staying right here with him. 

“Thank you,” he says hugging you tightly. He’s never been one to share him emotions easily but over the years you’ve learned to decipher his many facial expressions and there was just no way you would leave him right now. Your mother is as delighted as you expected when you tell her of your plans for the summer but you figure she’ll forgive you at some point. The way you see it, there’s a throne waiting for you back at Solaria and you want to enjoy freedom as long as you possibly can. Sometimes, you catch yourself wishing that Stella was the older sister. She’d be much more suited for the royal life but there’s a strict code of conduct when it comes to heirs and you’re the first born so the crown will eventually be placed on your head.  

“You won’t be returning with me?” Stella asks as she’s packing up her suitcase. Her tone in stern already setting you off. 

“I’ll be spending enough time there once I graduate.”

“Oh yes. The ever-repeating speech on how this is your moment of freedom and you won’t give it up for anything,” Stella mocks clearly upset to be facing mother alone. You feel a pang of guilt knowing what you’re sending Stella back to but the two of you have never been able to see eye to eye especially when it came to mother’s expectations of her daughters. 

“You’re welcome to stay here at Alfea if you’d like.” It’s an offer made to be polite because you know she’ll never accept it. 

“Please. Someone has to be responsible and return home. Our people look to the royal family for support. We can’t all pretend to be someone else.” 

“I’m not pretending, Stella. If I could give you the crown, I gladly would. If I had my way, I’d be just another fairy attending Alfea.” It’s a discussion you’ve had more than once and it’s always the same outcome. You don’t want the crown and Stella does but your mother would never allow the two of you to switch. Stella doesn’t say goodbye when she leaves and you’re okay with that. Instead you head out to find Sky. 

“Ready for the summer of your life?” you ask him and he smiles. It passes by too fast. The picnics out on the field, Silva training with you, walks in the forest at night. It’s nothing grand but it becomes the perfect summer on the final day when Sky pulls you aside as all the students start to arrive. 

“I have to tell you something. I’ve been wanting to all summer but I was scared I might ruin it.” Your heart skips a beat but you tell yourself that it’s probably not what you think it is. Rather than making assumptions, you stay quiet waiting for him to speak. 

“When this summer started, I thought I’d spend it alone and heartbroken over Stella but then you stayed. And I know it seems insane since you’re Stella’s sister, but I just can’t help but feel the way I do around you,” he smiles. It’s too good to be true. There has to be some kind of catch or problem in your way but right now everything feels perfect. You carefully take his hand and intertwine your fingers with his and Sky’s cheeks turn red. He’s always so gentle and kind so you know you’ll have to make the first move. As you stare into his eyes, you notice little specks of green mixed with the blue. You finally close your eyes, lean in and kiss him. Something you’ve wanted to do since you laid eyes on him the first time. You pull away with a huge smile plastered on your face thinking this moment is perfect and then you spot her. 

“Stella.” Thankfully, she hasn’t seen you but it’s only a matter of time before she’ll spot the two of you. Hand in his, you drag him with you behind a tree keeping you out of sight. 

“Of all the things I imagined you’d say after our first kiss, Stella wasn’t one of them.” He’s teasing you but you feel horrible. Despite your many differences, you do care about Stella and it would kill her to know that you’re dating her ex-boyfriend. You’re not even sure if she’s properly done with him or not and just thinking about her finding out about the two of you is enough to make your skin crawl. 

“She can’t know,” you plead looking into his eyes. He has to understand the importance of it. She’s not strong enough mentally to handle this. 

“Hey, relax,” he says cupping your cheeks, “how about we keep it to ourselves until we know what this is?” You know you don’t want to give him up but you don’t want to hurt Stella. His offer gives you him and keeps Stella blissfully unaware of the relationship which is good enough for you. 

“Okay. Just you and me, no one else can know.” 

“Please just kiss me,” he whispers leaning in and you don’t know how you could ever refuse him. Over the next few weeks, you and Sky have stolen moments between classes and nights spent wrapped in each other’s arms. You know you shouldn’t but you love him. One night you whisper it when you think he’s sleeping and he almost gives you a heart attack when he whispers it back. 

“I thought you were sleeping,” you whisper-yell trying to hide your face in his chest. 

“You’ve been turning around every two seconds. It’s impossible to fall asleep,” he chuckles wrapping his arms tightly around you. 

“I’m sorry, I have a lot on my mind,” you sigh. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks turning on the lamp by his bedside table. It showers Sky in a golden light making him look more angelic than human. It’s not fair how some people look so beautiful without even trying. 

“Yes. No. Maybe. I don’t know where to start,” you reply sitting up and leaning your back against the wall. You want to tell Stella so you can be done with sneaking around. As much fun as it’s been, you’re getting tired of watching Stella try to flirt with him because she decided he was good enough after all. Of course, he’s been turning her down but it just doesn’t seem to click with her. But you also know it’s a risk telling her since she’s not likely to congratulate you. 

“I guess I’m just tired of sneaking around,” you finally say. He signals for you to lay down with him again and you have no reservation as you crawl into his arms. 

“I’m ready for it when you are. Frankly, I just want to tell everyone you’re mine so the boys leave you alone.” 

“Please, you literally have a whole fan club waiting for you at every corner giggling and blushing if you even look in their direction.” Sky has become very popular now that he appears single and you can’t blame them. He is ridiculously handsome and more importantly, he’s kind and patient and warm. Right about now, he’s your favourite person in the whole world. 

“I do not,” he protests but even he knows it is the truth. His face is serious when he says: “Maybe we should tell her. I know you wanted to protect her but we can’t hide it forever. You’re expected to marry at some point and so am I.” 

“I know. I know. I just feel like a horrible sister.” This feeling of guilt comes as a surprise. You’ve never been that close but you don’t want to be the reason she’s hurting. 

“You’re not a horrible sister. Everything you’ve done these past few weeks has been to make sure she didn’t get hurt. It’s not selfish to want to be happy, Y/N.” But that’s just it. You’re already far too aware of your own happiness. It’s the reason you always stay away from Solaria and the expectations of the crown. It’s why you’re lying in bed with Sky right now. You've always put your own happiness first and you’ve never had a problem with it until now. 

“I’ll talk to her first thing in the morning then.” He kisses you one last time before you both fall asleep. You wake up to a note from him informing you that Silva had added a morning practice which meant you had no reason not to march into Stella’s room right now and tell her about you and Sky. 

“Can I talk to you?” you ask entering Stella’s bedroom. 

“If you must,” she replies not even bothering to look at you. 

“I don’t know how to say this so I’m just going to say it. I’m dating Sky,” you force yourself to keep going even as she goes completely rigid, “and I have been for a while now. I’ve kept it a secret because I never meant for this to happen and I didn’t want to hurt you. But it’s getting serious now and I needed you to know. I promise I’d never ever go for him if I didn’t have feelings for him.” She’s quiet for so long you’re worried she might just never speak to you again. 

“I’m not happy you kept it from me but I suppose if he has to date someone else, it wouldn’t be horrible if it was you.” Relief floods your body as you realise that she’s not breaking and she doesn’t hate you. 

“Thank you.” This is about as heartfelt as it’ll ever be between you and Stella. You share a moment locking eyes with each other before she turns her back to you. 

“I’m going to go then,” you say slowly backing towards the door. Stella doesn’t say anymore but the fact that you’re still breathing is a much better reaction than you’d dared hope for. Immediately after you head to the training grounds to find Sky. Once you spot him, you run right into his arms and he lifts you from the ground. 

“I love you,” you say kissing him in front of everyone. It’s so freeing to know that the secret is out. 

“I love you too.”

[t-lostinworlds]

Not Going Anywhere (Tom Holland)

a/n: finally! lmao. gosh, i haven’t posted a fic in a while and im scared lol. also, i’m sorry for the lack of fics recently, i’ll try and be better with it. anyway, i’m not going to babble any more asdfghjkl hope you guys enjoy this one!

pairing: tom holland x actress!reader warnings: emotional scene, blood (fake), gun shots (kinda fake), character death (very fake lmao), lots of crying, and tom just being a wholesome boyfriend. word count: 7.5k+ requested:

first off, thank you angel! 💓 you’re too sweet omg 🥺 requests are a bit tricky for me ‘cause it depends if i get inspo or not but i did with this one haha so second, i’m so sorry this took soooo long. i hope i did it justice and that you like it love! 

masterlist on bio & pinned post

-:-:-:-:-

It was the last scene of the day but neither you nor Tom were too keen on it. Both of you read the script, of course you knew this was a long time coming. This scene has been sitting in the back of your heads from the moment you both decided to take on the roles but still, it never really does prepare you mentally no matter how much you try.

Death scenes are always tricky to shoot, depending on what the undertone is. It can be a slightly easy one, the death of an enemy in which you'd channel relief, pride, a sense of accomplishment—maybe even in a sadistic, evil sense, happiness and joy. Or it can go around the hard route, the death of someone you love. There are so many ways you could go about it, so many emotions you can tap into. You can have regret, guilt, hurt, sadness, anger, fear, loss, and the list goes on.

It would've been easier to act it out with a regular colleague or a friend, easier to separate from reality and to snap out of it when they call cut. It'd be less daunting if that was the case. But when it's done with someone who you love off screen, a person who you can't ever imagine a world without, to get your mind to a place where you'd have to picture losing them, then it gets even trickier, much, much harder.

Couples don't usually do movies together that often, it can become unprofessional as some would say, but that wasn't the case with you and Tom. Both of you have been praised so many times with your individual works as you two can stand alone and carry a role with nothing but award winning performances. But whenever you two share a screen together, then it's an even bigger force to be reckoned with.

It's always a director's dream to work with you individually and as a pair. You were a match made in heaven off and on screen, the one-take-wonder duo. You two just bounce off each other so well no matter the roles you play, may it be enemies, acquaintances, lovers, past lovers, co-workers, and so on. You two share a look and it all clicks, then everything just falls into place.

You two get it done right away in the right way.

You love working with Tom, love seeing him do his thing in the flesh and you enjoy watching all the breathtaking and raw performance he gives. Plus, you get to spend time with your man, a gift with how conflicting your schedules can get sometimes. Not to mention, you get to do what you love together, a fun time on set as you make the most out of it while staying at the top of your game, be each other's cheerleader while maintaining proper professionalism.

But when it's heavy and emotional scenes like this upcoming one, you do find yourself wishing that it wasn't with him.

"How do I look? Still gorgeous I hope," Tom joked the moment you entered the set, posing over dramatically with one hand on his head, the other on his jutted out hip and a duck face to match, sporting his dirt—with specks of blood—covered and torn outfit. What he wore was a white shirt, black pants, black boots and a gray coat combo. While you on the other hand, wore dark blue jeans, a black t-shirt, a gray zip up hoodie that was fully open and a black leather jacket over it.

On a normal day, his silliness would've made you roll your eyes with a laugh, but today, it didn't even manage to make you crack a smile. In fact, a frown made its way onto your lips at the sight of him all dirtied up, a purple bruise under his left eye, a couple gashes on his cheek and a cut on his bottom lip to complete his beat-up look.

"Stop trying to ruin my Zen," you grumbled, crossing your arms over your chest with a pout on your lips. It was already dark inside your mind, emotions at the ready for when they call action. And seeing him be his dorky self, trying his best to make you laugh, just being the sweet boy who owns your heart, it wasn't at all helpful in a sense that with what's coming, it makes you think what life would be like if those adorable traits of his would become a memo—

"I'm not," Tom chuckled softly as he slowly made his way over to you. Once he reached a close proximity, his warm palm found its way to rest on your cheek. His touch was gentle, thumb caressing your skin comfortingly, a loving smile making its way onto his lip as he kept his gaze steady on your troubled face. "Just making sure you don't get too into your head, darling."

Tom's eyes held nothing but utter concern because he knows you like the back of his hand, knows how you work. With actors, it's always taxing mentally and emotionally when it comes to scenes like this, but with you, there's an added weight. Because, one, you always go that extra mile, to dig much deeper into your thoughts, to make your brain work harder at channeling emotions on command and in a quick switch. That's what made you known to be such an incredible actress, pure talent mixed with hard work of course.

And two, you were doing the scene with him, your real life lover. For you to see his face and watch him slowly wither away, Tom can't even stomach the thought of what you could possibly be feeling, what kind of thoughts were swimming inside your head. He can't even begin to imagine if it was the other way around. He absolutely admires your strength for holding it together because if it was him, he would've already been balling before he could even get out of his trailer.

With that said, Tom was worried to the bone. It always pains him to see the struggle you go through to get your mind there. He hates seeing you in a state that wasn't pure happiness, even if it was all acting.

"It's really hard not to," you whispered, flashing him a small smile as you leaned into his touch. Tom's heart broke at the soft shake in your voice, a sigh coming out of his lips as he moved closer to press it against your forehead. His strong arms found their way around your form to give you the warmest hug he can muster without getting all the dirt and the little bit of fake blood he had on him, on you.

"I know, angel, I know," he whispered against your skin, giving your waist a gentle and loving squeeze that made you close your eyes with a shaky breath.

Tom has had a fair share of tough, emotional scenes, of course he understood. Some of them were even done with you, though none were as tragic and heavy as to what lies ahead.

He knows how hard it is to not let those dark thoughts cloud most of your mind. He's been guilty of failing at it a couple of times. Some scenes just affected him in real life before he could stop it. Tom so badly didn't want you to experience the same. He doesn't want you to go far too deep for the sake of your mental state, especially with how much worse this scene is going to be compared to previous stuff you've done. But there's not much he can do other than to be there for you to help you get through it and to make sure to snap you out of it before it gets way out of hand.

"You two ready to go?" Jessica, the director, interrupted with a sympathetic smile. You unwillingly broke away from Tom's embrace to give her a small nod.

"Don't think I'll ever be ready but let's get this over and done with," you breathed out. She watched the two of you for a moment, the gloominess in the atmosphere too obvious for anyone to miss. It's always like that with emotional scenes, the set catered to help the actors be in the zone, but it's a lot heavier this time around. When it's a real life couple, the difference is huge.

With a soft, understanding smile, she reached over to you and gave your shoulder a squeeze. "Two more minutes and then we start." Jessica nodded at the both of you curtly. You and Tom flashed her grateful smiles to which she gladly returned.

Once she walked away, Tom's gaze landed back on you, slight dread and concern glowing in his eyes but a reassuring grin played on his lips. He was trying his best to stay calm about it, even though he wasn't looking forward to it as well. He just didn't want to add more to your already worrying mind by looking too frantic with his concern.

"Come here and give me one last kiss."

"Don't say it like that," you groaned, squeezing your eyes shut as his choice of words weren't exactly the best.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that, darling," Tom rushed once he realized how it sounded like, rubbing your arms comfortingly and giving it a gentle squeeze, silently urging you to look at him. Once you opened your eyes and met his gaze again, he tilted his head to the side with an adorable pout. "Can I have a kiss? Pwetty please?"

You shook your head at your man with a sigh, the corners of your lips lifting just a little as you met him halfway for a short but sweet, loving kiss.

"You've got this, okay?" he whispered once you pulled away, his breath hot against your lips as the tip of his nose nudged yours tenderly. You flashed him a small yet thankful smile, nodding in response before leaning close again to give him a quick peck.

"Places you two!" Jessica called out.

Tom's hands found yours, his fingers delicate as he lifted them up to his lips, a kiss on each of your knuckles and another reassuring squeeze before he lets you go.

You treaded your way towards your first marker, Tom's just a couple feet behind you. You looked over your shoulder in hopes to find his eyes before everything starts, a wash of relief coating your body once you saw that it was already set on you. You two shared a look, Tom flashing you one of his many charming grins—one that you adore so much—in reassurance, throwing in a thumbs up as he put his right foot forward. You did just the same, only breaking his gaze when you felt someone tap you on the shoulder.

You turned to one of the crew who handed you a Glock filled with blanks, a soft thanks escaping your lips followed by a deep intake of breath. You closed your eyes before exhaling slowly, clenching and unclenching your fist around the gun as you slowly slipped into character.

The two of you were undercover agents, partners turned recent lovers to be specific. The start of the scene was that you've just managed to get Tom out from his unfortunate capture, the abandoned warehouse where he was kept and you just escaped from, situated behind. You've managed to take out all the guys in the warehouse together but you have no idea if someone had called in backup so it was needed and safer to get as far away from the place as soon as possible. Hence why you two are going to be running from point A to B. But once you reach point B, then the scene happens.

"Ready and action!"

You took on a sprint, chest heaving as you kept looking back to make sure Tom was following. He was running just loosely behind you, a slight limp in his movements given that he isn't in the best of conditions due to the kidnapping.

"Come on!" You slowed down a little to wait for him, offering out a hand for him to take. He was so close to reaching it when his gaze shifted from your hand to somewhere behind you, eyes widening at the sight.

"Look out!" Tom exclaimed, hand quick to grab your outstretched one to pull you into his body. Both his arms wrapped around you tightly as he turned around in one swift motion so that your places were now switched. Then you heard five deafening gun shots, Tom's body jerking the same number of times before he slowly leaned forwards, his body getting heavier as his weight slowly rested more on you.

"No!" you shrieked, one hand wrapping around his torso as you lifted the other one hurriedly to aim your gun at the armed person behind him, pulling the trigger a couple of times to let loose of the blanks. You heard a thud next, an indication that the person has been taken care of.

Tom's whole body slumped, you struggling to hold his weight as he gradually slipped from your grasp, your heart beating rapidly against your chest when you felt something damp coat your fingers that were rested on his back. Your gaze landed on his face with wide eyes, calling out his character's name a few times as you tried your best to let him down on the pavement as gently as you can manage.

Tears welled up in your orbs, your throat closing up as you kneeled beside his body, anxiously checking to see what was wrong even though you already knew that everything was wrong. You took off your jacket hurriedly, bunching it up and placing it under his head for support. A sharp pain squeezed at your heart at the sight of him struggling to breathe, coughing out blood while he willed his eyes to stay open, his white shirt slowly turning crimson.

"No, no, no," you croaked, letting go of the gun to cup his face, fingers trembling as you tried to keep his head steady. Frantically, you reached into your pocket with your free, blood-covered, shaking hand, taking out the phone and hastily dialed zero to send out a distress signal.

Tom lets out a groan laced with pain as his eyes scanned your face, muttering out your character's name to get your attention, voice barely audible.

"Yeah, I'm here, I'm right here," you whispered as you met his brown orbs, a soft smile on your lips as you dropped the phone so you can tend to him with both hands. You brushed away the hair that managed to stick on his sweat-littered forehead, his blood from your hand tainting his crown, not the best of sights to see.

Tom's eyes started to gloss up as he kept letting out ragged breaths. You let out a broken sob as the heartrending sound filled up your ears, squeezing agonizingly at each vein in your heart. "S-Stay with me, please," you stammered, his skin turning a bit colder against your warm palm, your breathing turning shallow as you struggled to keep your own self together.

"Help! Please help!" you wailed, looking around the empty place frantically before your gaze landed back on the man in your arms, life slowly slipping from his grasp. "You're going to be okay," you repeated over and over, unsure if the words were said to reassure him or yourself.

The feeling of your jeans getting wet at the knees from the blood that pooled on the ground made you let out a broken cry of despair, eyes scanning his body for only a moment, the sight of red making you want to hurl. And you were too scared to look away from his eyes for far too long, scared that things will take a drastic turn in a split second.

Slowly, weakly, Tom lifted a hand up to cup your damp cheek, thumb caressing your skin as a small, tired smile made its way onto his lips. This made you cry even harder, your nimble fingers curling around his wrist, turning your head slightly for a second to give his palm a warm kiss.

"R-Remember when I-I said I'd t-take a bullet for y-you?" he sputtered, though the smile on his lips was still there, charming as always, his thumb capturing the tear that escaped your eye before it could have the chance to land on your skin.

You bit your bottom lip to suppress a whimper, shaking your head at his ability to make light of the situation. You let out a shaky breath. "I do, I remember. To prove how much I mean to you even when it's not necessary."

"I'm sorry," he whispered, running his thumb over your cheek, a few tears escaping his eyes as he scanned your gorgeous face distorted in utter distress, as he stared at the pain that glowed inside your beautiful orbs.

"N-No, there's nothing to apologize," you breathed out, your thumb grazing the apples of his cheeks as you stared right into those brown eyes you've grown to adore and more. "You saved me," you sobbed, flashing him a small smile laced with gratitude. "You saved me."

Tom nodded slowly with a hum, eyes staring right back at yours with the utmost adoration coating them, although in a few short seconds, it was quick to be replaced by worry. "You n-need to g-go," he hissed in pain, his hand grabbing your wrist to try and pry you away from him. It still wasn't safe to stay and he wanted nothing more than for you to be as far from harm, well and alive.

"No! I'm not leaving you here," you protested, a sob tied at the end of your sentence as you took his hand and placed it back on your cheek. And he held it there, channeling all the strength he had left for him to feel your skin for a couple moments more. "Help is on the way just, s-stay with me," you croaked.

Tom's breathing started to turn labored, his head falling back gradually as there was not much strength left for him to keep it still. "Hey! h-hey, look at me," you rushed, command in your tone as you went to hold his face with both hands, keeping his head steady only to see that his eyes were slowly fluttering close. "Keep those eyes open! Keep those eyes open," you said through gritted teeth, your man listening to your voice that was filled with desperation as he met your gaze again.

"P-Promise me—" Tom interrupted himself with a cough of blood, letting out a soft groan before his eyes were back on yours. "Promise me, y-you'll find h-happiness."

"N-no, don't say that, you're going to be okay." You shook your head desperately with a whimper.

"Promise me," he repeated, voice firmer this time.

Your bottom lip trembled. "I promise, just h-hold on, p-please," you choked. "Somebody! Please h-help! Please!" you yelled at the top of your lungs, urgently looking towards nothing, a sob following suit as your voice broke, hope slowly leaving you.

"H-hey, sweetheart, l-look at me," Tom called out as he tapped your cheek weakly. A whimper escaped your lips as you met his gaze once again, the emotion that shined in them so clear as day. He knows that it was time, and the certain look he was giving you made you understood. Although, you still shook your head in pure denial, muttering protests after protests under your breath as you gave his hand that rested on your cheek a tight squeeze while you kept the other steady on his face, horrified to let go even for a split second for he might be gone when you do.

"I love you," Tom breathed out, voice soft but the truth loud and clear. It was the first time he had uttered those three words, and you so wished it was done in a much, much more different circumstance. You leaned down to swiftly capture his lips in a bitter-sweet kiss, a sigh coming out of him only to be mirrored by a soft cry from you.

"I love you too, oh so much," you whispered to no one but him and him only, pulling away to meet his eyes, a certain glow now coating them at the sound of those lovely words filling up his ears. A satisfied smile made its way onto Tom's lips, his eyes locked with yours, glowing with utmost love.

But as Tom took in one deep, sharp breath, you held yours, only letting it out in a form of an excruciating sob once he completely stilled in your arms. His hand slowly slipped away from your face until it fell limp on his side, his chest laying flat, no more sign of any movement.

"No, no, no," you cried, tapping his cheek to get him to move again but to no avail. You shook your head frantically, your tears blurring your vision some more, heart in your throat as the droplets coated his face at a faster pace. "No! P-Please!" you screamed, cupping his face with trembling hands, letting go for a moment to hold his shoulder, shaking him harder in utter anguish. "C-Come back! P-Please! Come back to m-me." Your fingers found its way back to rest on his cheeks as you choked in short breaths, his eyes wide open but already dimmed, those bright, brown beautiful eyes somewhat turned gray.

"Don't leave me please," You croaked out, voice now hoarse from all the crying you've done. "I can't live without you. Please, come back to me," you whispered one last time, taking a few seconds more to stare at his face, looking at him as a flicker of hope coated your eyes for a split second before it completely died out. You dropped your head onto his chest and let out deep, broken sobs, choking in sharp breaths in between each sound that only made things more heart wrenching to hear.

It was so hard for Tom to keep his own tears at bay, a stinging, horrible feeling gripping at his chest as you cried your heart out. To watch the absolute hurt across your beautiful features, the desperation on trying to "bring him back" was too much of a painful sight to see. If he had a choice he would've opted on closing his eyes, but Jessica had specific instructions to keep them open, to make it more realistic, more effective in a sense that it would pull at the viewer's heartstrings a bit more.

But my God it was so hard to watch you be in so much pain and lay completely still, the heartbreaking sound of your sobs, the way you begged, it was absolute torture, especially when he can't do anything about it just yet. And the way your touch was frantic, desperate, it was hurting his heart harshly, agonizingly and he so badly wanted it to end because he can't take any more of just watching you go through so much pain. But most especially, he wanted it to end for your sake.

At the sound of your own cries, lungs burning with your head pounding, ears ringing, chest too tight and filled with utmost pain, you didn't even notice Jessica call out cut. The moment you knew it was all done was when you felt strong arms wrapping around your form that was still shaking with sobs.

"Hey, hey it's okay, it's over darling," Tom rushed as he sat up quickly, prying you away gently so you could meet his eyes. It broke his heart to pieces when he saw the hurt that still coated your orbs, though he was glad to see the relief slowly seeping back in once you blinked away the tears. You finally snapped out of it once you were able to take a good look at him, your bottom lip trembling as you tilted your head to the side, as if to examine if he was actually real. "I'm okay, see?" Tom hummed, voice gentle as he took both your hands and placed one on each of his cheeks, his skin warm against your touch. "I'm here my love."

All you could do was nod with a breath of relief, body falling forwards so you could sink into his arms, not a care in the world about the fake blood that drenched him. You just needed to be close to him.

Tom sighed as he pulled you tighter in his embrace, pressing his warm lip against your crown in the process. "Breath my darling angel, it's over," he murmured, followed by sweet nothings as his hand ran up and down your back comfortingly, your breathing slowly growing calmer at the tender sound of his voice.

You stayed like that on the ground for a minute, Tom only pulling away slightly when he heard footsteps approaching. "Do we need another take?" he asked dreadfully as he saw Jessica make her way over. He desperately didn't want you to go through that all again but it was out of his control. And if another take was needed, he's going to have to ask for an hour break, for your sake.

You lifted your head up just in time to see Jessica shake her head no, gesturing towards the both of you as satisfaction coated her face. "It's already the best for me. I mean, they call you two the one-take-wonder duo for a reason. And I've got tears in the crews' eyes to further prove my point." With a knowing look, she added, "But you two can watch it back if you like."

Tom turned to you, hand going up to wipe the couple more tears that littered your skin, touch sweet and reassuring. "Do you want to?" he asked softly.

You gave out a small nod. "Yeah, maybe I can do things better," you sniffled.

Tom scoffed loudly at that, gawking at you with wide eyes, taking full offence of your own words for you. "Are you kidding me? That was already amazing," he stressed. "Quit being so overly critical of yourself, darling," he added, taking both your hands in his comfortingly.

"Thank you bubba," you whispered, looking at him with an adorable pout, eyes glowing with the utmost gratitude that Tom felt his heart melt ten times over, especially with the nickname.

He flashed you a bright smile. "Now, let's get you off this wet floor." And that he did as he helped you up, pulling you in for another warm hug once you've got your feet under you.

Crew members quickly crowded you both as they helped you out of the now wet hoodie and coat, giving you each some water and two big, black warm jackets to compensate for the cold. You and Tom then made your way over to the director's chair right after.

You now stood beside Tom in front of the monitor as they started to play the clip back. Both your arms were fully wrapped around him, cheek pressed up against his chest as he slung his arm over your shoulder. His heart was turning soft at how adorable you were being, although he felt a sense of worry as well, since it seemed like you were scared to be too far away from him.

Even when they were fussing around the two of you, he saw how you kept giving him a glance, like you were scared to let him out of your sight. And once they were done, you were quick to grab his hand, as if you didn't want to feel the absence of his touch for far too long. So, he made sure to keep you as close as he can, giving you random kisses and squeezes in comfort from time to time, to reassure your mind that he was, in fact, here.

"Whew, look at you go," Tom praised, staring in pure awe at the monitor as he rewatched your performance, giving your arm a loving squeeze with a kiss on the forehead to match. "You make me look so talentless, love."

"Shut up," you said in pure disagreement given that his performance was breathtaking just as always. He did make things more real, made it hurt even more the way he portrayed dying so well. Your own performance improved because of his. As said in the beginning, you two just bounce off each other so well.

You peeked at the monitor for only short moments as you can't bear to watch it back fully, snuggling into him every once in a while with your eyes fluttering close. Tom was quick to notice this, giving you another peck on the forehead to remind you that it was okay, that things were alright. You hummed at his sweet gesture, squeezing his torso lovingly in return.

"Damn," Tom gushed once the clip ended, wiping away the stray tear that slipped with the back of his hand before turning to you with nothing but utter pride in his eyes. "And the Oscar goes to..."

"Stop," you whined, burying your face on his chest shyly, prompting a hearty chuckle from him.

"One-take-wonder duo I tell you," Jessica admired, giving you both claps on the back before she lifted up her megaphone. "That's a wrap everyone!"

Loud cheers and applause filled the air, Tom giving you a tight, warm hug as you both slowly relaxed in each other's embrace, glad that the day was almost over. You then made your way to where your teams were sat. Both of you were quick to notice how most of them were smiling proudly at the two of you with a bit of shine in their eyes.

"Harry," Tom gasped as soon as his brother came into view, Harry's face red with a faint sniffle coming out of him. "Were you crying?"

"No," the young lad grumbled, turning away in hopes to hide the way he wiped his face but still failing miserably.

"Oh Harry come here," Tom lets go of you for a moment to tackle his brother in a bear hug, making smooching noises as the older sibling tried to give the other a kiss on the cheek, Harry squirming like his life depended on it. You couldn't help the soft laugh from escaping your lips at the sight of the two boys, Tom's head perking up at the sound, a bit of relief coating his features as he tilted his head at you with a smile of his own.

"Get off you div," Harry groaned, pushing Tom away playfully, the older lad laughing before pulling away from him. "It's not my fault you two made it look so real. I genuinely thought Tom died for a second."

"Aw, thanks bro—"

"Correction, Y/N made it so real. The moment you started crying," Harry paused, blowing out his cheeks with a shake of his head, turning to you with both hands up in surrender. "I went."

"Thank you Harry." You shot the young lad a tired but grateful smile, giving him a quick but lovely hug.

"I'll let that pass for now because I do agree," Tom said, shooting his brother a playful glare before he made his way back to you, arms taking home around your waist as he looked at you adoringly. "You were incredible my love."

You smiled at him, leaning closer so you could give him a sweet kiss, just to show more of your gratitude. Tom hummed in pure satisfaction against your lips, giving your waist a tender squeeze before pulling away.

"Let's wrap up the day shall we?"

With that, the two of you made your way over to the wardrobe trailers to get out of the dirty work clothes and into comfier ones. Once out of the trailer, you now wore a pair of black leggings and Tom's pink hoodie to which he insisted on letting you wear over your tank top, given that it was starting to get colder out. He, on the other hand, wore his black sweatpants and a tight maroon t-shirt, handsome as ever but the make up on his face—the bruises, cuts, fake blood—were a bit of a distraction, feeding more thoughts to your still troubled mind.

"Come here, love." Tom beckoned you over once he noticed how you stared at him with a certain look in your eyes and a matching frown. His warm hands found yours, pulling you closer to him so he can give you loving kisses all over your face, all sloppy, loud and sweet. He only stopped when he was satisfied with the little giggles that escaped your lips. "Stop thinking too much, darling."

You flashed him a smile, nodding to say that you understood. "Are you not cold?" you asked in concern, slight guilt swimming in your orbs given that you somewhat stole his hoodie. Tom chuckled with a shake of his head, slinging his arm over your shoulder to pull you closer to his side as you then made your way to the make-up trailers.

"As long you're here beside me? My human heater? Never."

***

It was finally time to get back to the hotel.

You and Tom sat at the very back of the van, your head rested on his shoulder while his head rested atop of yours. You've been nothing but silent the whole ride, Tom not pestering you much because he knows you were drained to the bone. He just gave you occasional squeezes on the thigh, his fingers sometimes drumming some random beat just to distract you a little for what was going on inside your mind.

The moment your shared hotel room door closed, lock clicking in the process, Tom dropped your bags on the floor with the loudest sigh of relief.

"Shower together?" Tom offered with a wriggle of his brows, jokingly of course as there was no malice in his intent. You both were too tired for it, a simple shower would suffice.

A sweet smile made its way onto your lips as you nodded, taking up on his offer.

Tom moved over to you to give you a short kiss, mumbling a 'wait here' against your lips before pulling away and disappearing into the bathroom. He came back out not long after sporting nothing but his black boxers, beckoning you over with an open palm to which you gladly took. Hot steam met your skin as you stepped inside the en suite, Tom stopping by the sink as he turned to face you.

"Arms up," he said, your brows furrowing in confusion but you did as told anyway. Once you have both hands in the air, Tom took hold of the hem of your—his—hoodie and lifted it up your body, a pout making its way onto your lips once it was off. He gave your jutted out lip a peck, chuckling at the slight confusion on your face before he went to take your tank top off next.

"I'm not a baby anymore Tom. And I didn't lose any limbs," you pointed out with a soft giggle, top-half now naked in front of him

"Says who? As far as I know, you're still my baby." He shrugged, hooking his fingers on the hem of your leggings and pulling them down—along with your underwear—until he was squatted on the floor. He tapped your thigh lightly, silently telling you to lift each leg up one by one so he can take off the fabric fully. Now, you were left completely bare for him. You looked down at your man and shot him a pointed look, Tom meeting your gaze through his eyelashes as he lets out a sweet chuckle.

"Just let me take care of you love, you've had a long day," he hummed, giving each of your thighs a chaste kiss before he stood back up to his full height. He just wanted to let other things occupy your mind instead, didn't want you to sit too long and think about the scene you just did. Plus, he really did want to just take care of you, to show you the utmost love and affection as you deserve nothing but all and more, especially after today.

Another sweet kiss landed on your lips before he got rid of his boxers next, taking your hand soon after as he guided you inside the glass shower box, pulling you right under the hot water. And take care of you was exactly what he did as he helped you wash up as well. You've told him a couple of times how he was being a bit much, especially when he stole the loofa off your hands to do it himself, shampooed and conditioned your hair. But he simply repeated the same thing over and over:

"Just let me take care of you."

A few more giggles and chuckles with a couple sprinkles of making-out later, you two got out of the shower and dried up. Then after that, Tom gave you one of his shirts to wear—paired with only your panties—and helped you blow dry your hair so you could take a quick nap, an easy breezy task for him since it was not the first time. He's done it before on various occasions.

Once you were soundlessly asleep—after a few more kisses from him as he tucked you in because yes, your boyfriend is extra—Tom took it upon himself to order in some food, that way you'd have something to eat when you wake up, knowing that you probably wouldn't want to go anywhere to have a meal. He sent Harry a text in the process saying that the two of you would be staying in for the night in case the team wanted to go out for dinner.

In his gray sweats and white t-shirt, Tom sat down on the couch right by the window near your side of the bed, pulling out his computer to get a bit of work done while he waits. He didn't want to risk waking you up by slipping in beside you, didn't want to disturb your blissful sleep.

He kept giving you glances from time to time, just to check up on you, his heart growing bigger whenever he does so. Warmth just spreads across his chest each time he sees your beautiful face with nothing but slumber and peace coating your features.

The food arrived about thirty minutes later, Tom setting his laptop down to open the door, room service strolling in with fresh and hot food. He closed the door after he tipped the guy generously, walking over to the table to take some chips off the plate, humming at the wonderful taste.

Opting on letting you sleep for a couple minutes more, Tom went back over to the couch. But just as he was about to sit back down, he heard you let out a troubled groan in your sleep. Surely enough when his gaze landed on you, your face was now contorted in pure distress, brows knitted together as you shifted on the bed, one hand desperately clinging on the pillow while the other on the white sheets.

"Tom!" you yelped and bolted straight up, eyes frantic and chest heaving as you looked around the room for him.

"Hey! Hey." Tom was by your side in an instant, the bed dipping as he sat down, his hands cupping your face gently to make you look at him straight in the eyes. "Darling, hi, I'm here," he whispered with a sweet smile, heart aching at the sight of fear and the fresh sets of tears that now coated your eyes.

Your bottom lip trembled as you stared at him for a couple seconds, moving closer towards him so you could bury yourself in his arms. "I'm sorry," you mumbled against his chest, both your arms wrapping around his torso as you let out uneven, shaky breaths.

"Nothing to apologise for angel. It was just a nightmare," he murmured, rubbing your back sweetly as he swayed you side to side. "It's okay, you're okay." He held you like that for as long as you needed, whispering sweet nothings into your ear in hopes that it'll help you calm down. Tom only loosened his hold around when you softly pulled away, breathing now calmer, sniffling close to none.

"Want to watch a movie while we eat? The chips are really good," he said, both hands now holding your face, thumbs caressing your cheeks tenderly as he wiped away the little tears that sat on your skin. "Spider-Man: Far From Home so we can nitpick and criticize my performance together?" he added jokingly, earning a soft giggle from you as you nodded.

With half of the food gone, you were well into fifteen minutes of the movie. There were a couple of pauses done of course. Now you were snuggled up cozily beside him, your head on his chest as he rested his back against the stacked pillows. He had one arm over your shoulder to keep you close, fingers grazing up and down your arm soothingly while his eyes were set on the screen in front, his warmth comforting you in more ways than one.

The whole pole sequence in Venice was when he felt you start to shift in his arms, a shaky breath coming out of you when you saw him hit that wall as he got drenched in water. And then you spoke,

"Tom, what if—"

"Stop it right now and don't even finish your sentence," he scolded, already knowing where you were going with this. You pulled away from his embrace and sat up straighter just so you could have a full look at him, a deep frown already on your lips.

"You do your own stunts," was all that you said, but Tom already knew what you meant by it, didn't need you to explain further.

With a sigh, he sat up as well, touch tender as he ran it up and down your arms. "Darling, I am being careful with the stunts, you know that. And when it's something too dangerous, you also know that I refuse to do it," he said. "Plus, you're right there to stop me when I'm pushing myself too hard. You're looking out for me too, my love."

Even though you gave him a nod, Tom saw how that still didn't ease your mind, saw it clear in your eyes. He couldn't blame you either knowing how that scene made you think the worse of thoughts. He understood you completely, knowing that if the roles were switched, he would be behaving just the same if not much worse with how overprotective he is of you. He'd probably wrap you in a bubble to be honest, to make sure you're as far away from harm as possible and that nothing was going to happen to you.

"Come here," he hummed, taking your hands and pulling you close until you were straddling his lap, giving your fingers warm kisses before he placed them, flat against his cheeks. Tom's warm palms found their way under his shirt that you wore, settling his hands right on your waist, his thumb running over the swell of your belly fondly, skin touching skin, makes you feel much closer to him.

Tom gaped up at you with nothing but absolute love in his eyes, a glow that's made your heart grow warmer, a look that's added more sincerity to his words. "Nothing's going to happen to me okay? You're going to be stuck with this very handsome face for a long, long time."

You giggled at that, dipping your head so you could capture his lips in a kiss filled with the rawest of emotions from gratitude, happiness, adoration, passion, love. Tom didn't need words for him to know that you were thankful for him, that you were so happy to have him in your life, he can already feel it. Your actions will always speak louder volumes, justifying all the emotions you needed to get across that simple words never could.

With a satisfied groan, Tom pulled you even closer, his hands snaking up your bare back, your shirt hiking up at his action. He felt up your warm skin deliberately, touch driven with passion as he nibbled on your bottom lip, wanting to taste more of you. You happily obliged with a soft moan, your fingers treading through his slightly damp curls as you welcomed him in. And Tom made his presence known through his touch, to remind you that he is here with you, that he will always be here, and that he is—

"Not going anywhere."

-:-:-:-:-

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[bi-bard]

Through Every Nightmare...-Will Graham Imagine (Hannibal)

Title: Through Every Nightmare...

Pairing: Will Graham X Reader

Requested: Nope

Word Count: 1,700 words

Warning(s): Nightmares, mentions of manipulation, mentions of mental illness, cussing

Summary: (Late Season 1) (Y/n) wanted the best for Will. Always had. So when (Y/n) gets a hint that others are fighting to tear him apart- whether they were aware of it or not- (Y/n) had to step up and draw a line in the sand. Evil can only go so far when good actually stared it in the face. 

Author’s Note: Hey... look what’s been added to the list!

Please consider supporting my Ko-fi account. It would mean a lot to me. If I know there are people interested in it, I’ll get the monthly donation part set up. 

Buy me a coffee? https://ko-fi.com/khoward0 

-----------------------------------------------------

I happily scratched one of the dogs behind their ears as I fix my sleeping bag. The dog stepped closer, starting to lick my face, making me chuckle. 

“You don’t have to sleep on the floor,” I looked over to Will as he spoke.

“I figured it would make both of us more comfortable,” I replied, standing up completely. 

“So the long scarf is going to be more comfortable?”

“A light piece of fabric versus a whole human body? Yeah, I think the long scarf would be more comfortable.”

“I see your point,” he chuckled. 

I waited for him to lay down before grabbing the long scarf from my bag. I tied one end around his wrist and held up my arm so he could tie the other end around mine.

“Would you mind telling me the method to your madness,” Will asked. I pulled my arm, making his move as well.

“When you have a nightmare or start sleepwalking, I’ll feel you pull on my arm,” I explained. “I’ll be able to help you sooner.”

“Where’d you get this tip?”

“An old friend did this with his mom when he started taking care of her,” I shrugged. “I just thought that it would be helpful.”

“Thank you,” he grinned at me. I nodded one before laying down and getting comfortable. 

“Goodnight Will,” I said softly, noticing him shifting with his blanket.

“Goodnight, (Y/n),” he replied. 

A few hours later, there was a sharp pull on my arm. I instantly woke up, coming to my senses. The dogs were almost all surrounding the bed, worried about their owner, especially Winston, who had started nudging me with his nose. 

“Will,” I said softly, sitting on the edge of the bed. “Hey, Will.”

He sweating a lot and shaking. He was still pulling away from something. I gently touched his arm, hesitantly shaking him. 

“Will,” my voice was a little louder. With a sigh, I grabbed his shoulders and gave him one solid shove. I sat back as he sat up quickly.

He was panting, trying to focus on what was around him. His dream had muddled with reality for a moment before he looked at me. The next thing I knew, I was pulled into a bone-crushing hug. Will hid his face in my neck and I gently ran my fingers through his hair as I hugged him back.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly, sounding like he was near tears. 

“You don’t have to apologize,” I mumbled. “I’ve got you. You’re safe. I’m right here.”

Slowly, his breathing calmed down. I switched from playing with his hair to rubbing his back. He seemed to pull me even closer.

“Do you want some water or anything,” I asked. He shook his head. “Okay, let me at least get you a new blanket.”

“Don’t go,” he begged. 

I nodded even though he wasn’t looking at me, “Okay, I won’t.”

I don’t know how long we sat like that and I didn’t care. I just wanted to know that he was alright. That’s all I ever wanted. 

--Time Skip--

A few days later, I found myself at the door to Jack Crawford’s office. I gently knocked, waiting for him to tell me to come in. I shut the door behind me carefully and sat in the chair on the other side of his desk.

“May I ask what this is about,” he asked.

“It’s about Will,” I said. “I don’t think he should be in the field.”

“If this is about him becoming disoriented, I’ve been told that he’s fine.”

“That’s not it, sir,” I shook my head. “I’m sorry but I don’t think you’re being told everything. Will is having intense nightmares and he’s having episodes of sleepwalking. I believe that the intensity of these episodes are at least partly due to the work he’s doing in the field.”

“Has Will told you that he’s having trouble?”

“Does Will commonly admit that to people?”

“Agent Crawford,” I turned around to see Dr. Lecter in the doorway. 

“Dr. Lecter, come in, we were just discussing Will’s current mental state,” Jack said.

I looked away, now looking towards the floor. I didn’t have any evidence but I had a feeling that Hannibal had also been manipulating Will in some way. I noticed the startling connection between Hannibal’s therapy and Will’s behavior. 

“Sir, I was just looking out for a co-worker,” I explained. “I’m sure that Dr. Lecter and Dr. Bloom would agree that the field is taking an obvious toll on Will.”

“I have to agree Agent (Y/l/n),” Hannibal added. “The field is a dangerous place for him to be.”

“Will is saving lives,” Jack replied. “I wouldn’t ask him to do something if I didn’t think he could handle it.”

“You’re willing to risk Will’s life for others,” I asked. “Not just physically, you’re asking him to sacrifice his stability for your work.”

“I believe you’re speaking out of term, Agent,” Jack glared at me. I clenched my jaw. “Now, I suggest you leave and calm down before I get angry.”

“One more thing, Sir,” I asked. He nodded. “I’ve spent almost a week with Will. I’ve watched his nightmares and his sleepwalking episodes. He doesn’t just wake up a little sweaty. He’s cried and broken down. He’s absolutely terrified... not of what he saw but he’s scared of his own mind. I can only help so much without your support and Dr. Lecter’s support. I’m sorry for overstepping but I don’t want him to fall over the edge for you.”

“Have a good day, Agent,” Jack said bluntly.

I stood up and walked out quickly, trying to hide any emotion that could’ve shown on my face.

“Agent (Y/l/n),” I turned around to face Hannibal. “I’m glad someone else said something. Jack has yet to listen to my suggestion that the field is hurting Will.”

“I was just looking out for him.”

“I can assure you,” Hannibal grabbed my arm as I tried to walk away. It was like he could sense how I felt about his work. “We are on the same mission here, (Y/n). We both just want to help.”

“I’m sure we are,” I faked a smile before turning and walking away. I just wish I knew what Hannibal was doing.

--Time Skip--

A few days later, I was standing in the waiting room of Hannibal’s office. I knew it was risky. Something deep in my stomach made me think that this was a dangerous situation to be in. I straightened my spine as the door of the office opened.

“Agent (Y/l/n), what a delightful surprise, come on in,” he stepped out of the way, letting me walk in.

I only walked in as far I had to in order to get through the door. I simply stepped to the side to let Hannibal shut it after me. 

“May I ask what this is about,” he asked, walking towards his desk.

“I want you to know that I’m not accusing you of anything and I’m just asking questions,” I explained before asking anything. “But my questions are going to be blunt... why are you manipulating Will?”

“Well, that certainly sounds like an accusation,” Hannibal chuckled. “Why do you think I’m manipulating him?”

“His episodes,” I said. “I know the work in the field has also harmed in but it all happened so fast. I just want the truth, Hannibal.”

For a moment, I thought I saw something similar to guilt flash across his face. It’s gone as soon as it’s there, “As far as I can tell, you love Will, yes?”

I nodded.

“You’re in love with him?”

I nodded again. 

“I promise that I don’t have any intention of harming Will,” he placed a hand on my shoulder. Deep in my gut, I didn’t believe what he was saying but I couldn’t argue with him because I didn’t have any evidence. “If I’m overstepping, or I’m doing more harm than good, tell me.”

“I will,” I said bluntly. “Never doubt that.”

“I’ll be sure not to,” he grinned. “I have a patient coming in soon. I do hope that I get to see you under better circumstances next time.”

“Me too,” I nodded once before turning around and walking out. 

I was terrified. Absolutely terrified. Especially because I didn’t know where to go from here.

--Time Skip--

“Hey,” I said as I walked into Will’s place. I scratched the dogs’ heads as I walked in. Will was standing there with his arms crossed. “You look like an angry parent.”

“Why the hell did you go talk to Jack,” he asked.

“Because you’re obviously not okay and I’m tired of waiting for him to notice,” I explained. “If you’re looking for an apology, you’re not going to get one.”

“Hannibal told me that you saw him too,” Will added. He took few steps closer to me. “He said that you admitted something interesting along with your question of whether he was manipulating me or not.”

“What was that,” I asked, trying to ignore the shock that I felt when Will held eye contact with me.

“That you loved me,” he said, stepping even closer. “That you were in love with me.”

“And if I were?”

“Being willing to sleep on my floor would make a lot of sense,” Will smirked. I think he had just noticed how close we actually were.

“Will,” I said softly. He hummed. “You’re making eye contact.”

“I know,” he replied, grinning at me. “Can I...”

I nodded. Will leaned down and kissed me gently. I felt my cheeks heat up as I carefully touched his sides. He cupped the sides of my face. I pulled back slowly, letting out a breathy, nervous laugh. Will smiled at me. 

“Will you... stay with me tonight,” Will asked, “not in the sleeping bag but next to me in the bed.”

“Sure,” I nodded. “Of course. Whenever you want.”

“Thank you,” he mumbled. “For everything.”

I grinned and kissed him again. I felt like my efforts had some value. I was doing something right. I was trying to help him... and he knew that.

And that meant everything to me.

-----------------------------------------------------

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[june-night-rose]

Why Karate Kid III is amazing

(NOTE: THIS POST CONTAINS PLOT SPOILERS!) 

I watched the third Karate Kid movie with my family, earlier this year, and I loved it. So, I was surprised to find out that lots of people, including Ralph Macchio, dislike the film. The main complaint seems to be that it’s just the first film all over again, with a few added plot devices. Tonight, I want to tell you what I loved about this film, how it explains Daniel LaRusso’s friendship with Mr. Miyagi, and the moment that he stopped believing in mercy. The key to understanding this film? A bonsai tree. Daniel’s main complaint at the start of this film is that he wants to enter the tournament again. Mr. Miyagi continuously refuses, which makes Daniel upset. Why is he doing this to him? Why won’t Mr. Miyagi just let him keep winning? At the same time, Mr. Miyagi takes Daniel to see a very special Bonsai Tree from Okinawa. He has planted it high up on a cliff in the middle of nowhere to keep it safe, and from prying eyes. Did you notice a connection? Daniel didn’t. Despite having the conversation with Mr. Miyagi about the tree, Daniel is completely unaware of a fact that viewers may also have missed: that Mr. Miyagi thinks of him like the precious one-of-a-kind tree, and is only preventing him from entering the tournament to keep him safe. So begins our journey with the precious bonsai tree mirroring Daniel LaRusso in this film. The next time we see the tree, Daniel is doing the unthinkable, by trying to retrieve it to sell it in order to keep Mr. Miyagi’s shop open. Daniel is already feeling frustrated that Mr. Miyagi won’t let him enter the tournament, he’s already being bullied into it, and he has no idea that his sensei already has a plan to save the shop. This tension escalates as the tree falls from his grasp and lands in the saltwater below. Daniel hurries to retrieve it and wash off the saltwater before the tree dies, at the same time attempting to ‘wash away’ the guilt he’s feeling for having tried to take the tree in the first place. At that moment, long before entering the dojo, he becomes a Cobra Kai member: just like the saltwater begins to poison the tree, Daniel’s mind is poisoned by the thought that Mr. Miyagi will never forgive him. He ceases to believe in mercy. With everything that these characters have been through, it might seem unrealistic that Daniel will just suddenly think that Mr. Miyagi won’t forgive him. Think back to the first film, when Daniel angrily throws his bike away, then immediately cowers as his mother spies what he’s done. The majority of Daniel’s reactions to things highlight a lack of trust, which finally reaches the breaking point in this movie. When do we see the tree again? First, Daniel brings it to Mr. Miyagi, frantically telling him what happened, and trying to apologize. Mr. Miyagi only asks him “Why”. When given the explanation, he accepts it. Mr. Miyagi is more concerned with saving the tree, mirroring his concern for Daniel rather than becoming angry with him. Seems like someone who shows plenty of mercy, right? No reason for Daniel to worry. As soon as the tree hits the saltwater, the damage is done. Even with Mr. Miyagi's acceptance of his explanation, Daniel is convinced that he has to do everything on his own. And, it's not because he's prideful, it's because he feels so guilty about taking the tree. He’s sure that Mr. Miyagi won't forgive him. He's lost his faith in him. As Daniel begins to try to do everything on his own, continuously refusing Mr. Miyagi’s concern, he becomes more unstable. The character gets hurt plenty of times, but never realizes that he’s hurt on the inside as well. Daniel tries to hide his lessons with the new teacher, and Mr. Miyagi helps him, offering a chance to talk, whenever Daniel wants to. But, Daniel's fear of not being forgiven continues to grow, especially since he's not sure that what he's doing is right. He continues to try to do things on his own, while Mr. Miyagi becomes sadder, and tries one last time to reach out to him, only to be yelled at and told to go away, since, Daniel says, he didn't care, anyway. Right before this scene, when Daniel attempts to sneak through the house and back to his own room, we see the bonsai tree again. This is the point at which, in the movie, the bonsai tree has no leaves left, and is potentially on the verge of dying. I thought that that was an incredibly meaningful choice by the filmmakers, because it shows just how much attention they paid to the details of the tree matching the different scenes. At this point, not only Daniel’s friendship with Mr. Miyagi is at stake, but his well-being in general. Daniel’s mental state becomes even more apparent to the viewers as, when he finally realizes that he’s wrong, he actually says that there’s no way Mr. Miyagi will forgive him. By the end of the film, Daniel and Mr. Miyagi go to replant the tree, which has now healed. Their friendship has healed, and Daniel’s belief in mercy has healed as well.

A famous line from Mr. Miyagi in this film is: “Must not lose to fear.” 

Don’t lose to fear. There is mercy. 

[tinyboxxtink]

"Weird Secret Friends" *Chapter 9*

Chapter 8

Chapter 10

Aw SNAP, an early chapter?! Yes children, I woke up and I just wanted to write. This story really does mean a lot to me, and I have been neglecting it for the last few days. So I decided to give you one today, and one tonight. I just have so much to say, and I wanna get it out there as fast as I think of it! I know y'all want that too.

So I don't know if these actually need warnings, but there is serious discussion about alcohol and addiction. If you're sensitive to that, read with caution. I'm really sensitive to it and I wrote it, but it's more therapeutic to me. I don't know how others feel about it.

Also-- I did my best to fix the continuity issue in the last chapter about the Sonny crying at Y/N's mom's funeral, AND I think I did a good job at fixing the continuity with the fact that I literally started this story with her drinking an appletini. Like a moron.

And if you think my explanation is 'unbelievable', I actually do the same thing so I know it's a thing! Don't @ me.

Also Also-- This chapter is all Y/N and Sonny, some cousin bonding time. I hope y'all appreciate it.

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--------------

You rode to the train station in silence, but when you got out of the Uber to walk in by yourself, Sonny quickly trailed behind you.

“I’m a big girl Sonny, I don’t need you to hold my hand,” You rolled your eyes.

“I-I know, but it’s an hour until your train leaves, and--” He nervously explained.

“Afraid I’ll go to the bar and just derail my life in twenty minutes?” You crossed your arms.

“...No…” He softly looked at the ground.

“Well, you're right. I'm just gonna throw it all away right now,”

“Y/N don’t do that--”

“I’m not kidding, Sonny!” You looked at him seriously.

“...What?” He was stunned at your admission.

You looked around the train station, people were bustling about running to their trains and finding their people, it was a madhouse. You needed to talk this out seriously; so you pulled him to a waiting area and sat down with him.

“Well as you so nicely pointed out, I am basically on the verge of breaking my sobriety every fucking day. And now I know why you wanted me to avoid Rafael, but I didn’t listen and as much as you didn’t want it to, it already broke me. Last night I broke, and now that-- now that he’s gone, or run away, or whatever-- All I can think about is making this pain go away!” The thoughts that had been running through your head since you left Rafael’s apartment just came spilling out of your mouth.

“Sunshine…” He sighed.

“And you’re right, I don’t have anyone else. I don’t have anyone else to lean on, except for you. And I can’t keep doing that, you’ve done it long enough,” You started to feel tears catch in your throat.

“Wha--but I don’t mind, I--” He protested.

“Really? Because the way you were telling Rafael, it sounded like you were sick of it,” You tried to keep your voice steady.

“I’m not--” He ran his fingers through his hair. “I’m not sick of it. It’s just--”

“A lot,” You finished for him.

“Right,” He looked at you sadly. “But-- I don’t understand, then what do you wanna--”

“I need to go away,” You interjected with a very somber look.

“What?” He half laughed. “Go away? What does that even--”

“I need to go...away,” You repeated, not wanting to say the words out loud.

“Like...a facility?” He asked; you nodded. “Y/N I didn’t mean you had to--”

“I know you didn’t mean that Sonny, but I don’t see any other way,” Tears filled your eyes.

“I don’t-- I don’t wanna do this again! I don’t want you to have to take days, weeks off work watching me, moving to Jersey, checking my room and my apartment, you’re too old for that shit now!” You looked up to the sky, willing the tears to stay in your pupils.

“I mean, Y/N come on I’m almost 31, I’m not ancient--”

“But you’re a grown up, with a grown up job and a career, and a life. And I can’t just-- make you put your life on pause because I’m a fuck up,” You barely whispered.

“You’re not a--”

“I am,” You shook your head. “I am, and I accept it. I can’t have-- normal, things. Like friendships or relationships. This absolutely proves it,”

“No, it doesn’t,” Sonny took your hand. “Look I told Barba and now I’m telling you: This...this might be on me,”

“No it’s not,” You took his hand this time. “Don’t do that,”

“No, it really might be,” He insisted. “You’ve...you’ve never just opened up to someone like you did with Barba. Not once. Not with anyone but me,”

“Yeah well clearly that was some kind of fluke,” You rolled your eyes with a tear filled laugh.

“Was it?” Sonny asked you sincerely. “When’s the last time you approached a guy or girl for that matter, sober?”

“I mean, I was sipping an appletini…” You looked at the ground in guilt.

“Y/N…” Sonny rubbed his temples.

“What?” You shrugged. “It’s not like I’m the Hulk, Sonny. I don’t take a sip of alcohol and ‘Hulk Out’. I like to at least attempt to feel like a grown up, so I order ONE drink and nurse it for hours. You know this. It’s just, when I get upset…”

“You lose it,” He finished for you.

“...Yeah,” You looked back at the ground.

“So why don’t you just come stay with me for a few days, until this whole ‘Barba’ thing passes, and you can be...normal, again?” He put a hand on your knee. “You don’t need to…’go away’, like a mental patient,”

“...Because I don’t know if it will pass, Sonny,” You admitted. “I’m not kidding when I say this broke me. It...it broke me. And he wasn’t even my boyfriend! We fucked one time and all of a sudden I was going through his stuff like a crazy girlfriend,”

“...Didn’t need to know that, but alright,” Sonny shuddered at the thought of you in the throes of passion with Rafael.

“Whatever,” You sighed. “The point is, I-- I lost it, with him. That’s never happened, not once. I’ve never…’cared’ about someone like that. I just bang them then leave,”

“Wasted” Sonny added.

“....Well yeah, obviously,” You laughed sadly.

“Which brings me back to my original point,” He replied. “You may have had some liquor in your system, but were you drunk when you talked to Barba?”

“...No,” You shook your head.

“Were you tipsy?”

“....No,"

“Did you get drunk while waiting on me and talking with him and then decide to go back to his place to...do stuff?”

“No!” You hit him softly.

“And last night,” He continued. “Last night when I walked away and left the two of you. Did you run back inside and drink yourself into a stupor because you hurt me?”

“No!!” You shook your head. “No, I-- I might have wanted to, but then Rafael took me inside and he-- well, first of all his friends humiliated me--”

“They what?” Sonny’s fists began to clench.

“Calm down, Son,” You took his hand. “Rafael defended me, he even punched a guy for insulting me!”

“He WHAT?” Sonny gasped. Rafael would never do something like that, not for anyone. He was always so cool, calm and collected, always the epitome of decorum. If he had lost it on someone in public, that really did mean something.

“...So he defended you, then took you home?”

“Well, I---” You looked down in shame. “I asked him to,”

“Ah,” Sonny nodded. “I see,”

“But only because you said you didn’t wanna see me! I...I didn’t think I had anywhere else to go,” You explained.

“But he let you,” He added.

“He wanted me to,” You shrugged. “But Sonny I swear, nothing was supposed to happen. I just wanted to crash on his couch until I could talk to you. But...I don’t know, we-- he washed my clothes, and then we were watching BoJack, and then we were laughing and he was tickling me, and it just-- happened,”

“Organically,” He clarified.

“...Not the way I’d word it but yeah,”

“And you didn’t drink anything?” He raised an eyebrow.

“No!” You cried. “No, and I didn’t want to hurt--”

“Sunshine I promise you, this isn’t about my feelings at all right now,” He assured you. “I’m just pointing out that you have never just...accidentally slept with a guy,”

“Meaning…?” You quirked an eyebrow curiously.

“Meaning your MO is get drunk, get laid, and leave. Correct?”

“...Well when you say it like that…” You shifted uncomfortably.

“I’m not trying to guilt you Sunshine I’m making a point. Now, am I right?”

“....Yes,”

“So you genuinely had feelings for Barba. Real, unaltered feelings,”

“....I guess so,”

“And I’m not blowing smoke up your ass when I say that Barba would never, ever punch a guy for anyone. Especially not someone he worked with, in front of a bunch of colleagues. I mean, his ‘circle’ is probably buzzing right now with talk about how ‘barbaric’ he was, for some girl he just met,” He explained.

“What are you saying, Son?” You studied his face curiously.

“I’m saying like I said before, that this might be my fault, Sunshine,” He sighed, once again running his hands through his hair.

“If I hadn’t been so...against you and Barba, I wouldn’t have spout off my mouth about his--- usual way of dating. Because it sounds like with you, he’s anything but his usual self,” He explained.

“...And then you wouldn’t have gotten upset about it and responded the way you do when you’re upset, and then you wouldn’t have ended up a mess last night, and you two would still be in your happy little bubble of bliss,”

“Sonny,” You sighed and put a hand on his shoulder. “I appreciate the sentiment, but I think we both know that this...’beast’ inside of me, is always gonna be there,”

“Well…” He murmured.

“You said it yourself! I’m still an addict, I’m still battling it everyday, even though I’ve gotten so much better at it. Even though most days I am perfectly fine; I’m not normal. Normal people don’t end up at the bottom of a bottle of vodka whenever they have a bad day, or stress out,” You cringed at the memory of that constantly happening back in the day.

“Yeah I know…”

“And it’s not fair for me to put that on someone. Especially someone I barely know! Especially someone who is not used to, or even ready for any kind of normal commitment! I mean, honestly I’m glad it happened now, because if we had gotten any deeper and the inevitable happened, the blow out would have been much more...messy,” You looked away in shame, just imagining the chaos your drunken alter ego could cause.

“...How so?”

“Sonny, if I lost it like I did last night after spending one night with Rafael, can you imagine the kind of havoc I’d wreck if we had been dating for a while? If we were married?” You half laughed sadly at the thought. “Cops would be called, I’m sure,”

“Sunshine….” He spoke softly, hating to hear you degrade yourself so much. He'd heard it so much in the past, he knew if you were going into the dark place, the damage was bad.

“Somehow or other, the monster would have shown herself to him. And clearly, whenever it was gonna happen-- he wasn’t going to respond well,” You shook your head with the same sad smile.

“But maybe if you had gotten closer, maybe he would have changed. Maybe he wants to change-- he’s just...freaked out right now,” Sonny pointed out.

“Don’t,” You shook your head while looking at the ground. “Don’t do that,”

“Do what?” He asked you quizzically.

“Give me false hope,” You looked up at him with tears once again welling up in your eyes. “You know that’s the most dangerous thing for someone like me,”

“But that’s just it Sunshine,” He put both hands on either side of your face. “I really don’t think it’s false hope,”

“Yeah well,” You scoffed with a sarcastic laugh. “I won’t hold my breath. And the bottom line is-- if that ever happens, then it will. But I’m here now, and right now all I want is to drink until I forget this weekend ever happened,” You wiped tears from your face. “So I need you to--”

“I’m not sending you away,” He said sternly.

“Sonny!” You stomped your foot. “I’m not kidding! You can’t--”

“Look Y/N,” He started. “You have done so well these past few years, better than I’ve ever seen you. I am so proud of you. You’re in school, you’re thinking about the future, you have dreams. And if you just...abandon that for even a month or two, you’ll have to drop your classes and start over,”

“Yeah but--”

“I know you think that going to rehab is the thing you’re ‘supposed’ to do when shit like this happens, but honestly I think it will only send you three steps back, not forward,” He looked at you with very genuine eyes.

“...Y’know the old ‘monster’ wouldn’t have even told me any of this,” He pointed out. “She would’ve gotten on that train and headed to the liquor store at the Jersey train station,”

“...That is true,” You nodded with a soft smile.

“I think you’re more in control than you think, Sunshine,” He put a thumb on your chin. “...But, maybe to make us both feel better, I’ll put a limit on your card for a bit,”

“...Yeah, probably for the best,” You gave him a small smile. Just then you both heard the speaker announcing your train was boarding.

“Well, I guess I better go,” You stood up with your duffel and gave him a long, hard hug. You really did love him more than anyone in this world, and knowing he wasn’t mad at you and still loved you meant everything to you.

“Alright Sunshine, you call me when you get back to the apartment, yeah?”

“Yeah,” You nodded; he gave you another hug, scared to let you go.

He was being supportive and brave on the outside for you, because he really did want you to keep going on the path you were on. But something deep down inside of him was constantly worried about the monster inside you. He wanted to protect you 24/7, but you were right-- he had a life and a career in the city, he had to trust you to be on your own.

“I love you, Y/N. You know that, right?”

“Yeah,” You nodded with a bigger smile. “I love you too, Sonny,”

You gave him one last kiss on the cheek before heading to your platform, leaving Sonny alone in the station. He waited until he couldn’t see your figure headed towards the distance before pulling out his phone and dialing a number.

“Barba,” He said seriously. “We need to talk,”

[blackfemmecharacterdependency]

BFCD Reviews by Nesha: Final Space, Season 3

Everybody that know me know that I’m high class #Quillective trash and my main thoughts and feelings go out to Quinn Ergon and Gary Goodspeed - precious Gemini gems, and of course the BABIES: Little Cato, Ash and Fox #NeshaLuhDaKids I had some attachment to Avocato once upon a time, but that n***a got on my LAST nerves this season, so we currently at “Do you, Boo” status by the end of S3, and eventually, yes, I’ma get to why that is. 

Disclaimer for somebody who stumbled across this post because of the fandom tags - I am an independent partaker of this content, not “part of the fandom,” and my audience in particular is NOT for everybody. SO: If you may have been criticized in the past for casual racism, tone deafness to Black women’s concerns or accused of misogynoir or antiblackness, leave now. 

If you don’t like cussing, AAVE, general ratchetness and mean lesbian energy, you too might wanna go. A bitch can be eloquent, but I type like I talk, at times, so it is what it is and I don’t curate for kids, dudes, or nonblacks. That’s just what that is.

I wanna start with Ash Graven. This season is about Ash more than anybody else, despite the fact that there was a lot of emphasis on Avocato’s toxic ass man pain and growth in Quinn and Gary’s relationship, ULTIMATELY, nobody in the crew did more coming into fruition as Ash did, and I have a lot to say about her, because I have a lot of feelings.

♡ Ash Graven

1. Ash is a kid. Lol. Everybody got very confused because of the unnecessary transformation that Invictus gave her. Ash did not “grow up,” her body was altered. That’s a fuckin kid in a woman’s body. A kid who has previously been living with survivor’s guilt, parental abuse/neglect/exploitation, chronic trauma, and a disastrous superpower that most people could not be trusted to carry. She’s a child having a coming of age moment in this season that is mostly molded in manipulation. If you hate on Ash, go fuck yourself. ESPECIALLY if I’ve caught you stanning other characters who have been shit characters, in this fandom or not. Ash was dealt a shit hand and nobody had her back but her brothers, and she’s done what she could and thought was best to care for them. Anybody that missed that - just don’t have kids, K.

2. Ash has no parental guidance. As far as she knows, the only adults who have ever had her back are dead and the ones that she’s stuck with now, she GAVE a chance to try to trust them. She gave Quinn a chance to try to see some of Nightfall (the only adult that we’ve seen not exploit her) in her. She gave Gary a chance by choosing him over Clarence, when she had to make a choice. She even gave Clarence’s ass another chance - with which he responded by dying to not fail her. Now, she has Gary, who just a few days or weeks ago, idek, forced her to try to summon her powers while she was both injured and also upset over having to leave her brother behind - TO SAVE HIS GIRLFRIEND! And she got snatched away in the process and left behind with the enemy, to be mentally assaulted and returned changed, only to have them not trust her.

I love Quinn too. I love her dearly. But the facts were that she was dying and having an episode that nobody could really help with, and Gary didn’t take the time or consideration to think about the stress that he was putting on Ash by putting her in the position to make her feel like she needed to save Quinn for him. Whether or not she was the only one who could, that is a lot to put on a child, and not only did he do it, but he didn’t even seem to think that hard about it whenever he then left her ass. Sure, he was glad when she was returned, but that was a fucked up situation that yet another adult put her into, and the first thing that he should have wanted to do when seeing her was to apologize and try to make it right. It was a huge miscalculation to treat her as a potential enemy that he and Avocato needed to vet. EVEN IF that’s what she was to them, both of them should have had the sense to assess while still treating her as the kid that they supposedly knew.

3. Most of her trauma has been recent and continuous. She looked up to Nightfall, watched her die, and had a meltdown. The events from Season 2 (with Clarence almost killing Fox and leaving him to die, her leaving his side to help out, seeing that Sheryl was treacherous to her own son, losing Nightfall), and the events that are taking place in Season 3 are only in the span of a few months.

They were only stranded for a month whenever we see them surviving together. That girl has had more happen to her to hurt her than to help her and nobody around her BUT Little Cato has been sensitive to that. And they are all fucking adults.

These things being noted - changing Ash’s design was the absolute worse fucking thing. Aging a girl up to make the bad things that follow more palatable is what that seems to be. Ash is still a kid. And THEN, they allegedly made her a queer kid. I say allegedly, because that “reveal” was so poorly done and subtle and weak that I, an almost 40 year old queer, didn’t realize that that’s what they meant whenever they said that they were gonna reveal somebody as a character who is part of the LGBT community.

So... FS production just gon’ decide not only to transform her body into that of a woman, when her mind is still full on traumatized child and hormonal teenager, but also, she likes girls, and they didn’t even do it in a cohesive way that added to the story. They threw it in, like, “BTW, she likes girls, and also, she’s full grown now.” then immediately went for the “Villain” lever, and bitches just ate that shit up. Fuck y’all, forreal. 

& Fox

He didn’t deserve that shit. And, I know a lot of people felt that he was pointless and boring, but his ass was sweet and caring and searching for love and acceptance. As a background character, I liked him. But, he was literally just fodder for Ash’s downfall, which was unfair and problematic, considering that his ass is definitely Black coded. Don’t play. He was voiced by a Black man, spoke with a blaccent, and definitely would be read as Black if you wasn’t looking at him and seeing an alien. They gave him a sacrificial negro trope, the big friendly negro that can kill you but loves everybody trope, and they used his death to just push some narrative forward to set up the one verified queer character as a villain. They got they ass in a vehicle and rolled right over another Black character, and another queer character. Chile...

 ♡ Little Cato!!!

My precious have not been getting some good for too long, and I have had it. He’s not focused on so much this season as he is in the background of other people’s stories, but a very important takeaway is and will always be that Little Cato, aside from Fox, really was the only one here who consistently treated her like she mattered, so it made a lot of sense that he could be the catalyst for her finally having ENOUGH with these people.

I really wish that he could have found out the truth about his past from Avocato, because that’s really who OWED him that truth, but Ash did the thing that I’d expect and told him, to be honest with him. She even told him that Avocato wanted to tell him and that she took that right away from him, because she didn’t believe he deserved it, and I’m respecting her for that, too. I wish she could see how much it hurt Little Cato for her to try to take him away from his home. 

Little Cato has lived before, for a while, and he’s not mature enough to behave as a man, but he at least has a loving foundation to draw from, and having had that support, this is more of his home than it is Ash’s. He doesn’t know how to explain that to her, and she doesn’t know how to understand that for him. Just a tragic situation for two kids with a lot of problems.

♡ Quinn Ergon & Gary Goodspeed

Quinnary notes that might not be featured in the BFCD Reviews by Nesha:  (Quinn Ergon/Nightfall x Gary Goodspeed) rundown - 

I've had two favorite parts of this season so far and they're very mediocre things that you wouldn't think would be like my favorite part but they are. One of them was that the first thing Gary does when she wakes up is to ask her about her sister (someone obviously very important to her who he's previously promised to allow to let live through Quinn's memory and says he wants to hear about her when he's trying to keep Quinn from dying). Because... He really did care and wasn't just saying something to keep her.

Quinn's mother fucked her up in a way that is so frustrating because Black mamas really will traumatize you about their younger kids. That shit hurt. You showed your daughter dead bodies to make her think about that in the event that your other daughter might be in battle? Bitch wtf

Whenever we say that Black girls are programmed to put everybody ahead of us, that's unfortunately not just including Society, it's in households too. And Quinn comes from this place where that is her reality... Then she meets Gary and he doesn't even register for her as anything special. He doesn't appear impressive or incredible in any way... But he (admittedly) weirdly locks on to her and shares himself - thinking that he's showing himself to her, and ultimately he DOES. And he wants to see her too, beyond all this, who she is, at her most humane. He wants to know about her sister. About someone who mattered to her enough to have the helm of her trauma when she was out of touch with reality. Very soft. Very sweet.

The other was when they were talking about how they met and stuff and Gary absolutely cringed thinking about how corny he was when he approached this woman. A lot of dudes never do that. The complaint of earlier seasons that Gary was overbearing, obsessive and creepy , if you missed the fact that he has terrible abandonment issues from his father’s death and his mother’s rejection, here we have him, in his adult state, looking back at the way he was and being embarrassed about it, and that’s growth!

A close third is whenever at the beginning of the Season he says "Quinn it's been a month eventually you have to open up to me about what you've been through" and she says "I will in time" and he respects it but he reiterates that he's there whenever she needs him. I don't think that people realize how revolutionary that kind of statement is especially for a character like Quinn to hear - who has always felt like she had to take charge, had to take the lead, had to make the sacrifice.

Even when she realized that she was dying, she didn't want to burden him with the information. Not even like ‘a thing that she knew if that could help prevent it and she didn't want him to have to go after it,’ but... she didn't even want him to have to deal with knowing about it!

Maybe she thought that she would just drop, maybe she didn't realize that he was going to have to see her in that condition. And then once she realized that he was going to have to see her in that condition one of the first things she says is "I should have told you." Girl is on her deathbed wishing she had done it differently, for Gary's benefit.

I saw somebody on Twitter tried to come for her about not going to Gary after he killed Fox (you know, shortly after her surgery to save her from the very brink of death, and listen... Quinn comes to see about Gary when she can. She’s done it several times. In fact, I’ma make a whole POST about Quinn and Gary moments SPECIFICALLY to point out to haters in the main tag - where they got Quinn Ergon, and by extension, me, FUCKED UP.

Stop Playing in Quinn Face

HI! HELLO. ACTUALLY MY FAVORITE PART OF THIS SEASON IS THAT QUINN AND GARY JUST FUCKED. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANKS. OK. Back 2 bidness

See.. after Gary and Quinn got over the humps of Quinn’s Final Space poisoning... everyone got it... nobody told her until Avocato was mad and told her during a lash out, and let me say something about Avocato’s fucking audacity this season... 

♡ Avocato (Note: His name is A-V-O-C-A-T-O. Some of y’all be tryna stan and y’all can’t even spell his name.)

I done seent Avacata, Avocata... That’s not that dude name. Be writing whole ass expositions about some other Ventrexian n*gga. Hope this helps:

AVOCATO. Listen, boy. YOU decided to be a traitor to your people and your king and queen. YOU decided to dedicate your cause to the Lord Commander and lied to your son his entire life about killing his parents, raising him, and never talking to him about it.

Yet and STILL - whenever you had the chance to finally tell him, you ain’t do the shit. Lord Commander gave you the perfect ass opportunity - WHEN IT CAME UP, and even then, with that boy looking you dead in the face and being glad that now he knows everything... you ain’t Ventrexian man up.

Then, whenever you were supposed to be checking on Gary after his traumatic murder fight with Fox and Invictus, you turned it around and literally made it about you. attacking him in the process and only after a physical fight did you apologize. (And y’all still didn’t get back to what had happened to Gary, which was no real fault of his own). 

Fast forward to after you willingly agreed to stay behind and fight and y’all lost. Now, it was Quinn’s turn to be the center of your blame and you lashed out at her because everybody is dying, despite the fact that y’all agreed to stay behind and fight, nobody even told her that y’all were sick, AND you still wasn’t 100 with Little Cato. 

You just had a lot of mothafuckin audacity this season, Avocato, and I personally was not here for the shit. Even when Ash blasted yo ass, your main thought was to threaten to kill her if she took Little Cato, instead of assuring her that despite what you’ve done, Little Cato was safe with you. No, she wouldn’t have listened to you. But, the words you chose tell us about who you are and how you are. You a war mongering killer that don’t ever take responsibility for his shit, and even in those brief moments that you do, its always somebody else’s problem. 

I’da thunk that LC getting snatched away would be humbling for you, but I guess you were chosen by the writers for minimal growth. Bye, Avocato. Witcha bitch ass. We is not cool right now, but you do you. Hope you find some growth up there in ya ass, where ya head been. 😁 Can’t believe I mourned yo ass. You coulda stayed dead as hell.

FINALE NOTES:

OK BITCH OK THIS FINALE WAS HYPE!

Let me pull it up so that I can liveblog it for the shit that I need to conclude this journey. 

We start out after Ash done took Little Cato and burnt off. Gary and AVOCATO done said they finna go get they son. Chile, I cannot handle Biskit voice. I like that lil’ dude but ya voice, Mane. I can’t with it. 

OK OK OK... Whenever Quinn comes up to Gary to talk to him and say potential goodbyes, she look like she wanna say some and that makes me think about whenever she looked like she wanted to say something in season 1 and didn’t. Quinn as grown a lot in her feelings for Gary, but she still has that hard time with talking about her feelings, but I love that you can see them in her face.

Chile... these folk was kinda taking they time gettin started, huh? Knuckas, do y’all remember that everybody finna die of FS poisoning? Lol. Also... why didn’t they start hallucinating and shit? I guess its not until it covers ya face? 

NIGHTFALL. 😥 I love you, Sis. I miss you. But, “Because I’m you and WE think of everything...” YES. I HAVE BEEN SAYING THAT! EVERYBODY EXPECTS QUINN TO THINK OF EVERYTHING AND WHENEVER THEY DON’T THINK OF THE THINGS, SHE GETS BLAMED FOR MAKING THE TOUGH DECISIONS THAT NOBODY ELSE COULD EVEN MAKE. Underappreciated, really. And people still mark Nightfall as a villain, despite the fact that she not only sacrificed herself, but also came specifically to help another Gary. Sidenote - Nightfall didn’t actually pursuit Quinn’s Gary until Quinn was trapped in Final Space and she thought she got a signal from him. So, I’m still salty AF that she been labelled as a villain just because people don’t like her, when her actions have all been to try to help. Here is no difference. She thought of the things that she didn’t think a younger version of her would think of, and left it for Quinn to find. Nightfall be on RNS, and most of y’all didn’t deserve her.

Quinn’s identity crisis is so sad, but I liked that Nightfall EVEN thought about that. And Sheryl... you kinda starting to grow on me. I hate to give shitty mothers who find compassion in old chance a try, but she do seem to really be giving it a go. 

Ash is so fucked up that she rushes right into the devil’s arms. This reminds me of when trafficking victims go back to their abusers because they don’t have the resources to adjust in the system. 😪 She REALLY believes what she’s saying. She really feels like Little Cato is safer with Invictus with the Team Squad. That’s sad as fuck, bruh. 

THE. ACTING. AND. ARTWORK. IN. THIS. CONFRONTATION. SCENE.

Avocato... I’m proud of you for FINALLY taking responsibility ad opening up about it. Little Cato’s reaction is precisely how kids in the system are, as well. They wanna be at home with their parents, no matter who their parents are or what they’ve done. and Avocato meant what he said and did what I referred to earlier as “Ventraxian man up.”

“I’m sorry we failed you,” from Gary was so important. Because, they technically did fail her. Had Ash seen the same amount of love from Gary as she’s seen him give to others, she might have been more receptive to the truth and less susceptible to lies. But, as she had just said earlier, it was too late for kind words. She’s currently beyond accepting them from him. For a brief moment, it breaks through, but without that ability to know love from an adult properly, she can’t accept that apology right now.

H.U.E. with his big robot, Lord Commander...EYE. There’s so much happening right now bitch processing has left the room girl. Biskit did so damn much this episode. And it was good to see everybody on the team have a moment to help things, instead of like one person having to handle the bulk of things. 

Quinn’s begging voice... its such a contrast from whenever she sent out the SOS in season 1 and was afraid and angry. Like... the desperation here shows her softness. 

Ash’s RAGE Bitch...

Gary’s “I love you...” She looked so happy! And then she just sat with it. I feel like she definitely loves him too, but she doesn’t communicate that way. But, her FACE. She was just... did she think that he didn’t before, or was she just speechless because she didn’t expect to hear it? Because, we gotta be real... Sis probably has not ever heard those words from anybody before. And that first time, when it’s really there is a DOOZIE. She had an abusive mother, a seemingly jealous or competitive sister, and we saw how nobody in the Infinity Guard respected her ass when she was serving them the real. I think this is the first time she’s been in love or felt it and when Gary said it, she had to collect herself. The way she ran to him and jumped into his arms??? SHIPPING CRACK. And Mooncake was a part of their hug too. I have a lot of feelings about this dynamic since Quinn and Mooncake are the only characters that we’ve seen Gary have these “love at first sight” reactions to and Mooncake is the first character that I recall Quinn being nice to in S1. 

So.. my heart was very full when they ripped it from my chest moments later. Mooncake has been watching Team Squad members be self sacrificing for a little while now, and he loves his family and Gary so much that he rushes straight towards danger. (Sure, I don’t think that he estimated how powerful Ash could be at this moment), but he had to at least consider that he might be caught or left behind.

Bitch, Ash is GONE. She said, “Fuck all y’all!” Not knowing whether or not Mooncake is destroyed makes it very hard for me to know how much I can stand this, but I also want to hope that he is gonna survive. Quinn having to make the decision to lightfold is hella sad, but even though Gary is destroyed, he has to know that this is exactly how Ash must’ve felt whenever he had to make the call to leave Fox behind. She hated to do that to Gary. She even seemed more regretful about it than Gary did whenever he had to leave Fox and when he left Ash. Sure, its because she loves him more than he loved Fox and Ash, but its a terrible position to be in to have to hurt somebody you love like that. On the other hand, they gave her hella shit for them not escaping when could have the first time, so naturally, she was going to make this decision. 

It very much sucks that Invictus is free and my brain can’t eeem FATHOM what that means for everything and everybody, but the Final Space poisoning left the Team Squad’s system, so maybe there is a rejuvenation of some sort in Invictus’ power? Or does Final Space poisoning leave your system as soon as you leave Final Space? I don’t think that was clarified. 

Anyways, I still don’t hate Ash. Y’all can say whatever about it, but I see sad white boys get forgiven all day every day on this site, and I’m upset, but I’m not letting my baby go. I’m not cheering her on, but unless she dies, I’m gonna hope for the best for her, like I said here. 

DAMN this season was some shit. Ionknow if I’m emotionally capable of watching another season of Final Space in progress. If they make it back for another season, I will most likely just wait until the end to dive in and let them shock my senses all at once instead of on a weekly goddamn basis, because GODDAMN GODDAMN GODDDAMN!

@andromidagalaxie @daintyurbanprincess @shslargue @space-finally​  The Quinnary Moments Masterlist probably won’t be ready by Quinn’s birthday, since her birthday is the day before Juneteenth, but I’ve started on a little fic that I might have the first installment of posted by then. We shall see. 

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Here is my JOURNEY during my first watch of the first two seasons of the show. (I watched Season 3 in progress and waited until it was over to write up this review) and my probably incoherent tag of whenever I do me a lil’ liveblogging: Nesha Watches Final Space, and here is my review on Quinnary: BFCD Reviews by Nesha: (Quinn Ergon/Nightfall x Gary Goodspeed) FINAL SPACE

[outerbankslut]

Empty... JJ Maybank

Summary • Soulmates were everywhere in the world and you just wanted to find your own.

Warnings • Mentions of wanting to commit suicide (essentially an allusion to it once). Underage drinking and insinuation of alcohol addiction. Mentions of abuse (from JJ). Literally wrote this in two hours today so it’s probably badly written. Swearing as well like once.

Word Count • 1.6k (Imagine)

Masterlist

(GIF by @toesure)

    A WHISPY BREEZE settled over the area as you took a swig of the vodka bottle in your hand. The beach was practically empty considering it was the late hours of the night and the sun had fallen from its place in the sky leading to the peak of the moon. Whenever you needed a break from life, school or just people you can’t to the beach. It was your safe space of safe haven if you will.

You could purge your anxieties there just by screaming out into the void of the ocean with the lapping of the waves and roaring of the wind covering any evidence that you were making a sound. You could drink your sorrows away and no one would stop you. You felt like if you wanted to you could just walk into the ocean and never return. Become one with the waves.

Maybe you would feel something, anything other than emptiness. It wasn’t like that for most people. Because most people meet their soulmates before they’re 12. Those were the lucky ones.

You were the unlucky one. 18 and not one sign that anyone was out there. Not one small burst of emotion ever. When you meet your soulmate for the first time all the emotions they feel you feel. Sometimes it could be hard to decipher but you would know. To be empathetically linked to someone was the worst and the best things at the same time. Of course you didn’t know personally though. You just knew you wanted that feeling, of knowing someone was there and feeling something for once. You were the black sheep in the family having an unknown future of who you would be with.

Your parents had found each other when they were 10. The closely tied bond you hold with your soulmate comes with you through childhood into your teen years and evolves into whatever. Could end up a romantic relationship later in life or just stay a simple friendship. It could all get really confusing sometimes. But most ended up dating their soulmate even feeling pressured to do so despite not wanting to which you were glad you didn’t have to go through really.

Of course you can reject your soulmate but that comes with a lot of mental anguish even if they’re not a good person. It’ll still hurt, like the worst pain imaginable on both ends.

And yet here you were still alone in the world, your family didn’t even speak to you these days. You didn’t have any friends really apart from the girls you worked with at a small diner. Most people didn’t want to be associated with you, thinking great shame of people who didn’t have a soulmate yet. Which was stupid but it was how the world was. Especially for someone of high status in figure 8. You were lucky your parents hadn’t kicked you out yet.

But the beach was a place where you could wash away those thoughts with the the stinging of the vodka down your throat and the warm feeling erupting in the pit of your stomach. At least that made you feel something. Just a small something.

You breathed out a long sigh, just that warmth that you felt from the addictive liquid was more than enough for you. But at the same time you craved the feeling of a close connection. You wanted to feel what someone else felt. No matter the feelings you just wanted to stop feeling so empty, so absent from your own life.

    JJ MAYBANK SAT a ways off in his own little area of the beach in front of a small tree that sat embedded right next to the beginning of the sandy beach. His body was scaled in small bruises from jabs and punches. The boy suddenly felt a small feeling of contentment erupt. A second ago he felt like shit. He had no clue where the feeling came from and an idea came into his head suddenly but he shook it off.

He looked around just to check but didn’t see anyone immediately so brushed it off. It was dumb of him to think that. He would probably never get close to finding his soulmate. That’s what his dad had always told him. And being that his dad lost his mum even though they were soulmates made him almost lose hope in all of it.

He rested his arms on his knees which were bought up closely to his chest holding himself tightly together and close. It was almost a defence mechanism holding himself close and making sure no one else got close enough to witness him falling apart slowly after every hit he took and insult he attempted to shake off but he always took it to heart. It was hard not to when you value your parents opinions so much.

He did have his friends to confide in but at the same time they didn’t understand how he was feeling. He felt so alone and isolated. Yet they were free with their soulmates—John B with Sarah Cameron, Kiara with Pope—and then there was him. The lone wolf. They couldn’t relate to feeling like a fuckup all the time for more reasons than one. To be a failure at something that seemed so simple, finding his own soulmate. He was looked upon as abnormal in this world and he was sick of it, sick of what he couldn’t control defining him.

Then JJ felt the feeling he got for a second fizzle out. It was just empty. There was no feeling to fill what was there. JJ frowned, it was like someone was flicking a switch on and off on his emotions. Then it returned the same feeling and then boy swivelled around on the sand again landing his eyes on a figure in the distance as he squinted.

Your figure. You were alone sitting in the sand like he was much further down the long stretch of beach with what looked like a bottle in your hand. Then you got up and walked down to the water so your feet being covered in a cool sensation as you stood there and felt so calm.

And just like a switch JJ felt calm. He felt all his worries fall away for a split second. He felt utterly euphoric sitting and watching on curiously.

JJ felt drawn to you. His body was telling him to move. Screaming in fact. Every muscle wanted to go up to you, to hug you. But there was a part of him that counteracted that. A small reservation rooted so deep he didn’t think he could shake it. He wanted to go over. He wanted to help make you feel whole, so that he could feel whole too. Maybe you’re would help each other, after all aren’t soulmates meant for that. JJ felt a spark of guilt and regret as he thought about his different options. Make someone else’s life either better or worse and same goes for his own life if he went over. Or he walks away and forgets this ever happened. Forget that he may have just found his soulmate.

While the boy debated in his head what to do you felt foreign feelings bubbles up in your stomach. You felt guilty and regretful. But for what? And then you caught sight of the figure on the beach too. He was almost just a small dot to you but you could make out that he was wearing a jumper and a red cap. He looked deep in thought. Was he it?

JJ had weighed up his options. He’d thought about it but he still felt hesitation every time he moved to walk over to you. And he understood it. He didn’t want to be rejected. He didn’t want deal with being abandoned again. He couldn’t take it one more time. It was easier to block everyone out than risk anyone getting close. JJ looked tough but really he was fragile. One more thing could break him. One more person leaving him and all hope he had would be out of the window. And if you weren’t his soulmate, though by now he could almost completely tell, he would be crushed. He couldn’t give himself false hope again. Like every time he thought his dad was proud of him it made JJ happy and then the next minute he’d be telling the boy what a disappointment he was. It was enough for JJs self worth to drop through the floor. JJ wasn’t worth it. And it wasn’t worth him the pain he’d feel at the end of it all. He sent a lingering glance in your direction and he’d made his decision. And then suddenly JJ wasn’t frozen after all.

You watched from afar as he turned your way before he stood up. Maybe this was it. Maybe you’d finally found them. You almost felt a spur of happiness at the thought. An emotion not very often experienced. And JJ felt it too, making it harder for him to walk off the beach in the opposite direction to you as the giddy feeling dissipated into the ocean air. That was the hardest part, leaving. JJ was doing to you just as people in his life had done to him. Maybe he shouldn’t be walking back home right now instead of walking down that beach towards you but he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t let someone care about him like that.

When the emptiness returned you realised it wasn’t going to happen. None of that meant anything. You would never find them. There was no one out there for you. You just weren’t meant for a soulmate.

Note • I wrote this cause I was in my sad feels and wanted something angsty. I also I just realised I write no dialogue but eh. Honestly I don’t even know what I fuckin wrote lmao <33

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[mooshs-crack-headcanons]

Hey can we get some relationship headcanons with lady, trish and lucia? Thank you moosh! 💝💝💝

Possible tw: talking about Lady's survivors guilt because Arkham is a piece of purple blobby shit. 

Lady 

Lady is without a doubt a very strong woman, after having to deal with everything her father caused at the tower and everything that lead up to it including the murder of her mother, to killing him and slowly recovering from the guilt the best she can and suffering from it all even to this day, and that's not even getting into her successful career as a devil hunter. Even with how hard her life has ever since the death of her mother, Lady is strong and has learned how to treat her mental wounds and how to move on as best as she can. She's especially pleased now that she has the rest of the crew and you to call as family. You are very lucky to have this woman at your side. 

Lady loves hunting demons, she has ever since she started her revenge against her father, so if you're in the business (which I'm going to say is likely because I don't see Lady dating a civilian without having lots of guilt about you being possibly put ton of danger because her name is pretty big with rival hunters and devils alike) expect to be hunting partners like Dante and Trish are which she finds quite amusing seeing you in action especially on big jobs where the both of you have to bust out the big guns (and in her case literally.) 

With you two being partners, both in business and romantic sense, you can expect cut on jobs to be fairly equal (sometimes with her giving you most of the cut because you're so cute) compared to whenever she teams up with the rest of the crew which she keeps most because everyone has at least a little debt owed to her, and Dante (who has the biggest ridiculous amount of debt) has bitched and whined over this fact the most before going back to pout over his strawberry sundae, which the sight makes Lady laugh every time. 

She has surprisingly really soft hands, which you would expect calluses and for her to have joint issues given how much she shoots things on a weekly basis but the woman takes good care of herself and practices regular self care so whenever she holds you hands, caresses your face, or mindlessly runs your sides when in bed her touch is very comforting. 

She likes giving attention to scars, whether it be hers or yours she likes for the two of you to trace each other's and tell the either the cool stories about the badass ones you've received from jobs or share the the mental ones and the anguishing hardships from them that will end in the two of you finding quiet comfort in each other's embrace. 

Kisses with Lady go through a variety of stages depending on where you are in the relationship. In the beginning they are quick and flustered (especially on Lady's part) then they turn into more and more confident with time as the two of you get over possible embarrassment before finally they turn into kisses that tingles your brain and makes you forget how to breathe before one of you pulls back and gives the other a cocky smirk before going back to doing whatever they were previous. 

Lady's preferable date locations are at bars, she really likes the occasional drink and it's fun to hear gossip and possible leads for potential jobs. Lady is actually a lightweight so when she does have the occasional drink be prepared to take care of the mess afterwards because she is a clingy drunk and it's actually pretty funny to hear her complain to Dante about terrible lines when her pick up lines are godlike in cringe and it's fucking adorable added with the cute shade of pink dusting her cheeks. But without fail Lady is also a bitchy nightmare when she's hungover so also be prepared so her to often harshly snap back at you the next day but know she never means the harsh words thrown your way, just let her shoot Dante a few times and she'll be good as new. 

An activity that she absolutely loves doing with you before bed is taking a shared bubble bath together. She finds it super relaxing with you leading into each other and washing each other's hair as you talk about whatever that occurred in your dangerous lives that day, also a bonus if there's music playing in the background because she loves hearing you hum along with the tune as your hands make work shampooing her hair. 

Somewhere around the time she realized things between the two of you are very serious and that the two of you are going extremely steady, does she decide that she has to be a hundred percent honest with you. She loves you and you deserve to know about the truth about the nights that she leaves you alone in bed to do whatever random thing around the apartment to distract herself from sleeping. Her haunting guilt, even though she's come to accept that what her father did wasn't her fault...the guilt still comes up from time to time, his face still imprinted in her mind. When she tells you one night before the two of you were getting ready for bed, something in her just - broke and she had to come clean. When she starts telling you the details of how her father sacrificed her mother for being a descendant of the priestess that Sparda sacrificed, how that he probably never did love either of them and that he just manipulated them both for his own plans and that sometimes she would desperately think of somehow she could've changed things and at that point each word she speaks gets harder and harder to understand before she breaks down crying. Hold her and let her sob into your shoulder and let her take all the time she needs to let it all out. Once she's calmed herself does she apologize for having to see her like this, these types of situations are hard but make sure you tell her that you love her and other comforting words that slowly give her peace of mind. Your relationship noticeably deepens that night. 

Once long further down the road of your relationship does Lady start thinking about the future. Yes she loves hunting demons but she would absolutely love to retire one day and finally settle down with you and just...somehow live a normal life. However those are thoughts for way into the future and she still hasn't had her fill yet and she's proud to have you right along with her. 

Trish 

Trish has always been since the moment she was created a woman that was very hard to get a good read on what she's feeling, she just radiates this smug badass confidence everywhere she goes whether it be hanging around the office or gracefully slaying demons. However despite this everyone who has been around for long enough knows that expressing sometimes feelings can be really hard sometimes for Trish, with her still being demon and all. That doesn't mean she doesn't feel anything; the exact opposite in fact given the dmc rules she has cried therefore she feels human emotion, so she feels a lot but given her demonic nature she doesn't know at times how to apply them and that was the one of the exact reasons why she left Dante to travel the world to do some self discovery shortly after dmc 1, so that she can learn what exactly to do with these new sensations. And with that journey it eventually leads her to having you be a major role in her life. 

Trish can be a bit unpredictable and when it comes to this they're often moments that show her devilish side off, especially on jobs (again another case of not feeling very comfortable dating a civilian) where she jumps around the battlefield, bright volting yellow electricity trailing her every movements, slashing through devils one after another and another before leaving you completely abandoned and going off on her own or with her still massacring every demonic thing that moves but this time she's looming over you almost like a predator on prey when actually she's only taking a front row seat watching you beat the shit out of demons on your end or right after the two of you slay all enemies in one area she either complements or taunts you on your kills one form the other depending on your kill count versus hers and this ends with her challenging you to a friendly spar before going any further on the current job. 

With Trish being a demon and all she has a great memory so she remembers a lot of mundane things about you, some things that even you didn't notice. She remembers all of your favorite restaurants, your favorite breakfast dishes, what preferred time you wake up, how exactly you like to be held, what tell signs that you're embarrassed, and her personal favorite: what exact words to say to see those pretty cheeks heated up. 

Her hands are fairly smooth given the healing aspect to demonic nature but uniquely her touch always has a sparking touch to it so that's something you're going to have to get use to every time your skin comes in contact with them, but after awhile you'll find comfort in it every time your hands interlock together the electricity is like a spark of a reminder that two of you are there together and alive. 

She is absolutely not afraid to spook you at times either at your place or at the office with taking on different human forms, one time she took on her Gloria form to sneak behind you while you were cleaning your pistols and tapped a few fingers along your shoulders and next thing Dante knew was there were several new bullet holes in the kitchen that he didn't remember there being before. 

You know how I talked about the electric sparks on her hands? Well that doesn't just apply there but on other parts of her as well. So that being said it's no surprise that kisses between the two of you are quite electrifying, and again something that will take time to get used to but eventually it's quite comforting. 

Trish, like Lady, loves self care and that includes going on shopping sprees so expect a lot of dates at various stores, your girlfriend with Dante's -stolen- borrowed credit card in hand getting you everything your hearts desire. 

Being a full demon Trish technically doesn't need to eat or drink anything but still she goes for the occasional pizza slice since that's usually the only food to be found at Devil May Cry, which she only does when she's bored and wants to do 'human things' however if you so happen to cook anything she will always 100% eat your food. It doesn't matter if your cooking skills would put Gordon Ramsay in an absolute shit fit, she will eat all of it and proclaim that it's the best meal she's ever had, this is a cute way she's found a small way of expressing her love. 

In the beginning of your relationship, Trish has to actually remind herself that you're human and even though you're strong you're nowhere on the same level of strength that she and Dante are on, and that even though you can handle yourself you do need protection from time to time. But she doesn't just need to remind herself that on strength but also on the emotional aspect as well. As a human you've come into this world feeling emotions, she's only felt them for a few decades which in a demons lifespan is barely anything. Trish loves you deep down and she's told you that countless times, but there are situations that you've been dragged to your absolute worst and she...has no idea what to do. She feels awful and wants to comfort you but she just doesn't know how to express that, so she can only sit there next to you and listen to you sob for hours and just feel...hopeless. Over time the two of you find a way; she confronts you about this and tells you that she doesn't want to feel hopeless without being able to express and be able to properly comfort you, which ends up with the little system of whenever you feel sad that she says next to you and holds your hand, the light bolts of electricity becoming the way of her expressing her comforting presence to you for however long you need it forehead has all the time in the world, and if you need something further feel like it feel free to cry on her shoulder and tell her everything that's bothering you, she's a great listener and her memory is great after all. 

I think out of everybody it's Dante that notices and feels Trish's feelings the most, call it a demon thing with feeling auras and such, or that he really knows his friends, or just it's possibly both. He actually prefers when Trish wants to go on jobs with you instead of him, and sure it's a little weird seeing the clone of his dead mother with someone that isn't his dad, but he really appreciates that you bring something really amazing out of his old devil hunting partner, thinking about how vastly different the demon servant that led him to Mallet Island is to the woman he sees now, and even though he doesn't comment on it the sight of the two of you excitedly bustling out of the door to go on a hell spawn killing spree always without fail gets a smile on his face. 

Lucia 

Lucia has come a long way with her self acceptance. She's artificially a demon and not human and for a good while she worried there might be a day where she might lose control of the devil inside and kill Matier and everyone else she loves and cares for, but a certain son of Sparda changed her way of thinking and now she's proud to have her powers to protect the ones she holds dear, and that includes you. She's a proud guardian of Vie de Marli and she hopes that one day she can be just as strong as Dante, and with it that's her motivation to continue to train. 

Lucia has a duty to kill demons and she views it as the way to get stronger, out of her Lady and Trish she is the one that would be alright dating a civilian although with you being a civilian that puts an even heavy weight on her shoulders to make sure the island is protected at all costs, but if she were to prefer she would rather you be a demon hunter so she wouldn't have to stress as much. 

I think Lucia would really want whoever she's interested in to be liked and respected by Matier, she is her mother after all, adoptive or not. But I really don't think there's too much to make Matier not like you, she trusts her daughter's judgment after all but still expect the cliché: "If you hurt my daughter-" speech, and despite the older woman's small figure and age this is probably the most terrifying moment you'll ever see from her. 

Lucia's, even with the healing aspect from her demonic nature, hands are fairly callused with how much she's gripped her blades over the years. Maybe it's because of her artificial status that she can heal herself quickly like all demons can but it's just not perfectly on point, she does have many scars from slip ups from the past that never fully healed that she keeps mostly hidden. 

Despite her most being present on Vie de Marli she does like to travel to the Devil May Cry office to take jobs from Morrison from here and there. It took awhile for her to feel comfortable around everyone else who was Dante bit she came around and she actually likes spending time with Kyrie when Nero brings her over. So eventually when she considers everyone in the crew trusted companions does she bring you along on one of her trips. It really does warm her heart to see you around having a fun time with these ragtag gang of colorful personalities, maybe if she has the chance and the island isn't at that much threat she could also bring Matier along? 

Kisses with Lucia are awkward at first. You're most likely her first s/o so she has absolutely no idea what to do. She had pinned feelings for Dante awhile but after seeing him in day to day situations at the office she came to learn that it would never work between them and she would prefer to stay friends, but now she has you and an actual relationship? She gets embarrassed from the slightest touch so kissing is a whole different realm for her. But of course over time and she learns to have some confidence with you she slowly becomes used to it and those awkward fumbles become slow and sweet passionate entanglements. 

Dates with Lucia on Vie de Marli mostly include late night patrols around the island, a time where it feels like it's just the two of you on the island where any type of conversation can start. But on the mainland with Dante's suggestion Lucia really likes going with you to Fredi's dinner the food there is quite different from back home and the people that work there are so nice, she once got a compliment from Cindy about how pretty she was and the shocked flushed look on her face was so adorable and precious that it's something you'll never forget until the day you die. 

Lucia when she's not on duty has a hobby carving wooden figures, the process really relaxes her. So a lot of gives from her are of beautifully sculpted animals with your name carved neatly onto the bottom of them. You end up having lots of them on shelves in your study and whenever you're sitting down doing whatever while Lucia's away they bring a nice sense of comfort like she's still there with you. Another bonding moment the two of you have is her teaching you how to carve, it's a sweet moment with her place next to you holding your hands as she instructs you what to do, all potential shyness that she normally shows gone and instead replaced by full confidence, which is always really nice to see from her. 

Lucia has long before your relationship learned to accept what she is, but there are some times where she has moments of doubt that you would be much happier dating another human instead of a devil as herself. After the two of you have visited the office a couple of times and she sees how you've become good friends with Lady that her insecurities come up and she has the thoughts of if you'd be more happy in a relationship with Lady, another human, than her, an artificial demon. With this plaguing her mind she becomes more distant, which with her not being really good at hiding when something's bothering her you notice fairly quickly. When you finally approach her about it she does come clean and tells you what's troubling her and even more than she's still doubting her strength as a guardian and isn't sure if she's able to protect you, Matier, and everyone, and even more so that even though she has demon blood (even though artificial) that she is nothing like how strong Dante is. You then tell her that her being demon or human doesn't matter, that you love her for her and that she is strong but she doesn't have to be strong for everyone she can show weakness and that everyone does, and that you know Dante is proud of how far she's come and how far she can still go. She looks at you with a mystified look before pulling you into an embrace telling you how to Sparda she's so lucky to have someone as amazing as you. 

Lucia likes to think about Sparda from time to time, with all the stories that she's managed to get out from Matier and the various things she's read in books she wonders what type of man he really was deep down to love a human woman - Dante's mother - and if what he felt about her was anything how she felt about you. 

[geekkatsblog]

Reviewing Grey's Anatomy Episodes but this time its Season 17

(To those people on my page who don't watch Grey's Anatomy but are being subjected to this I'm so sorry but I really just like to vent about this show.)

Its season 17 now Yay.

They're dealing with the covid 19 pandemic and I'm sure the writers probably did lots of research to make sure that they had the most accurate representation of the situation in the hospitals and otherwise.

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First we're going to start with the love triangle that is Teddy, Tom and Owen.

Owen

Now this is in no way excusing what he's done in the past for the longest while I've loathed Owen Hunt but..... now I feel sorry for him. He saw he had a problem he went to therapy to get himself right, he was actually a good partner for once and communicated in his relationship, he took his time and didn't jump into marriage spontaneously and then Teddy cheated on him over but dial to be heard by everyone in the operating theater with Owen on their wedding day. (I don't want to sound bad but this might also be karma coming to but him in the ass.) I felt so much 2nd hand embarrassment for him and the pain he had in his face the whole time he pretended not to know about her cheating was just oof. I loved though the end where he drove away for the mean time I really do agree with him taking some time and space before he makes a decision. Most of the times he made a lot of sudden decisions that later came back to bite him.

Teddy

Oh Teddy, she used to be one of my favorite characters from a little after she came to the time she left but now they just carried her character so far down hill that it's hard to keep the same energy I had before, now. Everyone at Grey Sloan is on Owen's side and giving her the cold shoulder and she really wants everyone to mind their own business (I honestly agree though, you're in the middle of a pandemic mind your business and do your job now isn't the time to be shunning coworkers because they cheated.) However when she did explain her side I kinda understood it a bit better. It's still an awful thing to do but I know plenty of people who sabotage their own happiness because they aren't used to it. Hell I do it myself sometimes. But then I was also pissed when she just pretended she did nothing wrong at first. First thing first she acted kinda offended when Owen explained why he hadn't called to cancel the wedding to her. Was it kinda sus? The answer is yes but you literally cheated on him that same day, you needed the extra time sis. Not to mention the several time he hinted to her that he knew and gave her the chance to confess yet she lied through her teeth whenever he hinted at it and flat out lied again when he asked if she had anything to confess. I get the whole sabotage route but God was I happy when Owen got in his truck, drove off and left her.

Tom

I was honestly rooting for Tom in the beginning, despite him being a douche I knew deep down he had a heart somewhere, but I actually started to feel less sorry for him last season when he continued to sleep with Teddy despite knowing her situation which he pointed out to her several times and she still ignored it. I know he loves her but let's be honest, she's going to pick Owen as long as he decides to actually take her back and Tom will be left alone and heart broken with his $100000 worth of boxes in booties and a golf club to measure 6 ft distance between him and everyone else. Honestly I kinda saw a panic attack coming, if they're treating Teddy bad then they're probably treating him even more like crap based on the fact that no one besides Teddy, Catherine and maybe Amelia liked him to begin with. This may also be an unpopular opinion but I actually agree with Catherine for making him resign of chief of all chiefs his head hasn't and probably won't be in the game for a while. At least he still gets to be head of neuro. He bought a whole $100000 dollars in booties alone by mistake during an already tough pandemic between that and everything else going on around him I'm not surprised he broke. What did surprise me was that no one even went near him to help even after the attack was finished. Dislike him or not at least ask him how he's doing geeze.

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Jo and Jackson (Never thought I'd have to put the two of them together in a title.)

Truly the biggest shock of the night besides the trailer for next week which I will freak out about later.

Jo

So Jo has decided that in order for her to feel herself again she has to do the devils tango with someone and because they're in a pandemic and she trusts him she chose Jackson. The night of the appointment to do the deed Jo ends up crying in his mouth. The way she treated him afterwards at first was a little uncalled for in my opinion, I mean she was the one who asked for the favor. But later they talked and it was all cool again. Jo didn't really have that big of a plot this episode so not too much to talk about.

Jackson

Agreed way to quickly to doing the devils tango with Jo if you ask me. Seems a little sus. I really hope they aren't rushing him and Jo into anything give the girl some room to breath and also give Jackson a proper plot he seems to be a plot filler for everyone right now like they have no real purpose for him on the show at the moment. I'm beginning to really think that he was the one who was supposed to die last season. I really do love his and Richard's relationship. Jackson never really had a good father and Webber seems to be filling that spot quite nicely. Him pushing Webber to fight to get better and convince him that his career can be saved was heartwarming. And can we take a moment to talk about Harriet finally appearing from the world of Narnia to bless us with her presence? And boy was she a blessing. That baby that plays Harriet was awesome from her repeating Vic saying she can't be a step mom all to her facial expressions. I hope to see baby Harriet again very soon. But speaking of Vic, did she not know that Jackson was a father? How the hell did she expect to never run into her at some point? Then there's the whole question of what did she even expect of the relationship with Jackson if she never intended to even try to accept being around his daughter? also if she really want to be Robbie Rotten from Lazy town and avoid being around kids, maybe she should call or text first instead of showing up in just a fluffy jacket and nothing else.

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Deluca

Glad to see he finally got the help he needed and is back put tho work. I felt so upset last season when everyone just treated him like crap without trying to help him, but they made up for it a little by trying to help him with the intervention. He was also right about the sex trafficking case and I was so glad to see that he was able to be there as her doctor. Plus he's now also finally in dark blue scrubs it has felt like forever before he got those but I digress. He is now on his way once again to be a kick ass surgeon with the awesome skills hes already showcasing. I just hope he continues to look after himself. Deluca shine like the star you are babe.

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Maggie

Has finally found a man who understands her, he is so nice and kind and caring the whole episode I was mentally yelling go get it hun to the screen. She deserves someone who can take her seriously and understand her awkwardness as well as her tendencies finally she has stepped out of the role of cheerleader and support character and is branching out to something else and I'm here for it. And her yelling at Catherine, to share her piece of mind. I was so proud. Go get it sis.

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Richard

Richard Webber is back in the building, finally the king has returned to himself and already solving problems in day one. At the beginning when he publicly called Catherine a pain in the ass I was so stoked I finally thought that he was done being pushed around by her but then he took her back in the end it also kinda felt like she bought him in order to get him back with the hiring him as the new chief of chiefs but I wish them the best of luck, Webber deserves to be happy. I was also happy to see him and Bailey interacting like friends again. For a while it was awkward between them but now it's like the balance has been restored. Side note, him laughing at Teddy and Owen made me laugh so loudly especially when he asked Teddy if her name was still Altman despite the fact he clearly knew about the phonecall drama, not gonna lie I'd do the same.

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Catherine

Not much there, just her being angry at the pandemic and loss of money, lack of power to save lives as well as trying to win Webber back which she successfully did after firing Koracick and giving Richard his job and finally giving him a heartfelt apology without being petty.

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Bailey

It might just be me but so far despite the fact that it's only been 2 episodes. Bailey seems somewhat better this season. Her guilt over Deluca was definitely warranted but at least she tried to make up for it (and just like Harriet her OCD has decided to rejoin us for a visit from Narnia.) For the past few seasons she's been a slight pain but now she seems more like herself.

Her and Ben are adorable as usual, coming every 12 hours to clap for the doctors just to see her then the cute hand signals they made for each other, between Ben, Link and recently added to the group of awesome partners Winston, I'm beginning to wonder where I can find me one of these super thoughtful understanding handsome men. The two guys that knocked her over as well spraining her ankle really should have to pay or something or at least apologize, they literally just knocked a doctor off her feet and made her wheel chair bound, the chief ro be exact. Her and Webber are on talking terms and well again but she really needs to know how to express concern better. She once told Ben that when she's scared she yells but a lot of things would have gone a lot more smoothly if she'd just reminded him he was a high risk for covid and state her concern for him to begin with instead of barking out orders.

I'm also wondering if shes going to be able to handle the whole Covid situation so well for the whole time, with all the chaos and disorganization with the whole ordeal not to mention the whole fit she had with the germs in the episode. I think it'll be a good storyline now that Grey's seems to be bringing mental awareness back up.

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Link and Amelia

They have now officially reached my list along with Ben and Bailey and a few others that are no longer on the show that have reached the stage of killing the couple goals on this show.

Despite the fact that they're not only raising their own baby but also Bailey, Ellis and Zola yet their relationship is still solid. I'm so proud of my baby Amelia she has come a long way from the woman who didn't even want kids to begin with.

I loved the fact that he wasn't upset over her forgetting his birthday and acted like nothing was wrong, just so she wouldn't feel bad about forgetting. I would have been livid set a reminder on your phone babes. Either way she definitely made up for it later with the whole redoing his birthday thing. Also welcome to the world Scout. Looking forward to seeing them more often.

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Levi

How did it all turn so bad, Nico has turned into such a jerk at this point I'm not even sure I'd be to upset if he left if it wasn't for the fact that I ship the person he was before and Levi so much I'm still hoping that they'll go back to how they were before Nico became a lying hypocrite. At the end I was practically begging Levi to push him away, Nico doesn't deserve it not after the way he treated him and he hasn't even shown a hint of remorse to this day.

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Meredith

The biggest shock of the whole episode. I honestly knew something was going to happen to her from the time she fell asleep and started the dream on the beach. Dreaming of beaches have never been a good sign on Grey's I just thought she was going to collapse from stress because she really had been pushing herself all episode. The thing with Meredith is that she cares so much for her patients and does anything she can to save them, but based on the preview of the next episode and the tests they showed it doesn't seem to be test. And let's just talk about that huge bombshell they dropped by bringing back Derek I never thought I'd see Patrick Dempsey on the show again. By the end of the episode I was already literally shaking in anticipation for the next episode. I know they can't kill Meredith, without her there literally is no Grey's Anatomy. That being said I really hope they don't give her cancer, (I know Patrick is involved with helping a charity for cancer.) And I also really hope she isn't getting alzheimers I just hope it's nothing serious in general. She's been through enough man. I just want this to be a really touching moment where I get to see Merder have some touching moments and it doesn't end up to be Izzie and Denny all over again. I don't think anyone is ready to handle that. I read in a spoiler that there's supposed to be some more visitors arriving on the beach and I'm stoked for it so I really hope it's a real spoiler I'm tired of rewatching the newer seasons to experience some of the old joy.

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Imma need them to give that intern Perez an official recurring contract for the show because he is currently one of the best things to come on that show in years. He's a breath of fresh air.

[chikkou]

Will you talk more about Lisa?? Lisa the character specifically but also your feelings on his feelings about Buddy? I just thought your analysis was so good and I want to hear other thoughts you have on her.

yall are honestly spoiling me rn sdhkfdjfks this is like a dream come true 

i already got into the stuff with buddy in this ask here but i have a LOT to say about lisa and the connection between her and buddy so u better settle in!

ok so firstly ill start with lisa. i played the original lisa game (lisa the first) not long after it first dropped in 2012, and im not even kidding when i said it changed me LMAO.... seeing a story about a girl suffering is nothing new, but austin jorgensens approach to it was so fucking unique. you dont just witness it, you get to EXPERIENCE it right along with her. many stories that involve sexual abuse/rape show or otherwise depict it explicitly for the shock value, which is both disgusting and, in my opinion, extremely fucking exploitative. i feel that it is horrific to dignify an act so deeply evil with screentime. but lisa stood out to me immediately because, even though you know exactly whats going on, the game NEVER shows anything explicit. everything is layered in subtext and symbolism, and austin is fantastic with indirect storytelling, so you learn so much from just a little drop of information. this applies not just to the game proper, but to the character as well.

in case its not clear: i absolutely ADORE lisa. she is my favorite character in all of the games, bar none. its going to sound kind of fucked up, but as a kid around her age going through some fucked up shit, her committing suicide at the end felt like a sort of victory to me. she knew she could never escape from marty or what he was doing to her. he leaks into every single part of her psyche, everything she ever cared about or loved is ruined because of him, and even the vague memory of her mother is completely corrupted, and turned into a muddled version of him. lisa the first also had the added benefit of some religious commentary, as there are crosses all over their home and marty is characterized as an extremely religious man, which i fucking LOVE and wish had come back in the painful, but its an acceptable loss. anyway, lisa committing suicide at the end was an act of defiance against not just marty, but martys god, as suicide is considered a mortal sin in catholicism. lisa knew she’d never be free of marty in life, so she escaped the only way she could; she was defiant to the end.

ive seen people complain that the painful has a bit of a “lost lenore” thing going on, since lisas death seems to fuel the Manpain of both brad and buzzo, but i actually disagree. on the contrary, its just like austin himself said - lisa will never be gone. lisa is ALWAYS there, with brad, and buzzo, and buddy, and marty, and yado, and the ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD. i dont necessarily think that there is something paranormal going on in the game, but i AM going to say that, unlike other cases of a girl/woman dying for a mans backstory, lisa isnt just a bittersweet memory they can reflect on and then put away when its convenient for them. she is a presence that is felt throughout the entire game. brad sees her more than once, sometimes watching, sometimes reprimanding him. buzzo is clearly haunted by her, as he cries out to her a few times in the joyful. every character who was directly touched by lisa - brad, marty, and buzzo - calls out to lisa as they die. call it their guilt or call it her actions, but in either case, it is clear that lisa just as significant of a character in the painful as she was in the first, even if she cant always be seen. even in a meta-sense, every game in the series - even the joyful, whose protagonist doesnt even know who she is - is named after her. she is at the center of everything that happens in them. 

that actually brings me to buddy, because i find the dynamic between her and lisa fucking fascinating. as i previously mentioned, brad never talked about his past with buddy, and snaps at her for bringing up his adoptive son dusty (rando), so it goes without saying that she definitely doesnt know who lisa is. in spite of that, though, lisa is a fucking massive part of buddys life, and while she may not know the person herself, i think she is aware that when people (and brad especially) look at her, they arent seeing HER. 

i mentioned it in another post, but even though brad takes it upon himself to raise and “protect” buddy, he seems to almost unwittingly recreate lisas appearance, primarily by allowing her hair to grow long even though he knows what a risk that is to her safety. he also treats buddy in a manner thats incredibly similar to how marty treated lisa (sans sexual abuse, of course) - he insults her, does not let her leave the house at all, and forces her to do unsavory things that no one should ever have to do (in buddys case, this means killing at least two innocent people because brad doesnt want a “weak” daughter). the most literal comparison between buddy and lisa is the fact that they are both very young girls being essentially held captive by their father figures, albeit for different reasons, and both long for freedom from their captors. 

theres also the fact that both buddy and lisa have to deal with misogyny and the effects of rape culture firsthand; they both battle against men who feel entitled to do with them whatever they please, and the threat of ongoing sexual abuse looms heavy over both of their heads. neither one can seek help from anyone; the neighbors in brad and lisas town seem complacent at best, if they even know what is happening to lisa at all, and buddys only allies (sans rando) are long dead by the start of the joyful. this is not just a hypothetical or a distant possibility. this is the real, tangible fate that will befall them if they cant somehow secure their safety.

sadly, because lisa wasnt playable in either of the rpgs, we dont know if she was able to fight as brad was, but it is highly probable that she had the innate skill but was never able to learn it (as marty highly discouraged them from learning “their grandfathers karate,” and seemed disgusted whenever brad did so). however, she did have ONE weapon she could make use of, and this is a weapon buddy ends up using, as well - her femininity. she became close to bernard (aka buzzo), made him fall in love with her, and then used him as a last ditch effort to stop martys abuse by having him mutilate her face. im not saying lisa never cared about bernard - in fact, i think she DID really love and care for him - but her own fucked up experiences with “love” meant she really couldnt understand what it was supposed to be like, or that it was wrong to manipulate the people you care about. lisa did very few things wrong - it pretty much just stops at the maiming of the cat and her manipulation of bernard - but she knew that she would never get away from marty without some kind of drastic action being taken, and scarring herself was her last ditch effort before ultimately committing suicide.

buddy ends up taking a somewhat similar tack in the joyful, and like in lisas case, its simultaneously resourceful and horrific. one of buddys key moves in the joyful is to flash the enemy (which the player obviously doesnt see) in order to distract them long enough to get the kill. its fucking horrible and disgusting and makes you feel so dirty, but then, how must buddy feel having to do something like that just to survive? shes just a child, but in a world where almost every man is out to get you, she knows this has to be done to save herself, very much like lisa. unlike in lisas case, though, buddy is successful in securing her safety in this way - lisas effort is for naught, and leads to her committing suicide not very long after. 

in a way, i sort of attribute buddys brutality to lisas omnipresence; all of the men pursuing buddy are just like marty, monsters who would harm a fucking child for their own disgusting ends, and i think that when buzzo said that lisa wouldve loved olathe, what he means is that she would have loved seeing so many horrible men being punished for what theyd done. so in my opinion, buddy carving out a place for herself in olathe by killing all those who would subjugate her seems very much in the mentality lisa would have had. sure, there are some innocents who sadly get roped into it, but that would definitely not be her intention; for example, if buzzo could have practiced amputation without harming a living thing, i dont think lisa would have asked him to practice on the cat. note the LACK of brutality at the beehive and the swamp bar, two of the few peaceful places in the painful and both devoid of predatory men hunting for buddy - lisa has no qualm with any of them. but marty? brad could hardly even get a full sentence out before killing him on the spot. i dont doubt that that has a great deal to do with lisas presence. 

ok i talked for a while LMAO but basically i think that, in a more metatextual sense, lisa and buddys relationship really strikes me as an accurate depiction of generational trauma. of course it was intentional with the more obvious trauma chain (marty to brad to buddy), but the trauma chain of marty to lisa to buddy is rarely ever addressed due to lisa not physically appearing in the painful. however, i believe it may inform buddys actions a great deal more than people realize - after all, buddys experience is unique, but who could understand it better than lisa? who knows that sort of pain, of being alone on an island, the lone woman trapped with a man (or men) who want nothing more than to cause you harm? even without her realizing it, lisa is guiding buddy, encouraging her to take back what is hers no matter the cost, to punish those who would try to take what they want from her. lisa might be dead, but she is a vengeful presence throughout every game, and buddys actions feel like theyre meant not only to save herself, but to avenge lisa, even if she doesnt realize it. at the end of the day, buddy and lisa both get to exact revenge against all the men who have wronged them, and they succeed. they are aggressive, and violent, and selfish, and ANGRY - and they have every fucking right to be. 

[schrijverr]

I Wrote My Own Deliverance

Chapter 2 out of 10

Alexander Hamilton is reborn as Alex Hambleton. He is desperate not to make the same mistakes twice, but it seems he is stuck in the narrative, unable to get out. Familiar faces pop up all around him as he attempts to keep his previous life a secret and write himself out of the story.

On AO3.

Ships: none

Warnings: Mild homophobia, beginning and ending indicated with a *. Tell me if I missed anything or if you want me to tag something!!

~~~~~~~~~~

Over the course of the first semester he fell into a nice rhythm, wherein he spend most of his days cooped up in the library or following his courses. He and Aaron rarely spoke, but they had fallen in a sort of camaraderie where they proof read each others work and studied in silence.

Alex was lucky that he did not share any classes with former acquaintances, since he was still a spit-fire, ready to argue with anyone about his beliefs and that would come back to bite him sooner or later.

The fact that it was working, should have alerted Alex that it was going to come crashing down, but alas he was oblivious when he exited his dorm near the end of the first semester.

*

He was trudging over the field when he heard a posh voice preach: “Homosexuality is a sin. It is unnatural and the people who follow the Devil will meet them in Hell.”

Alex stopped and did a double take.

As much as he tried to keep out of too much trouble in public, this guy got on his nerves more then anything and it did not seem that anyone in the crowd was about to say something to the guy.

So, he hauled his poly bisexual ass over there and got ready to fight.

“Homosexuality is a lot more natural than your haircut, fuckface.” he called out loudly, not missing the relieved slump in some of the bystanders that were glad someone else had stood up first.

“Excuse me?” the fuckface in question replied.

“Same-sex couples have been identified in nearly every species on the planet, reincarnations have kept their gender identity and sexual orientation over many lives and countless of bodies. Just because you’re ignorant and stupid, doesn’t mean you can go around insulting people who are just existing.” he said.

Fuckface was starting to say something back, but Alex just steamrolled forwards: “Not to mention how redundant Hell is when we have verified reincarnations, just because someone remembered a past life and interpreted it as a vision, doesn’t mean it’s true.”

He glanced around and added: “No offense to religious people, of course, just that you cannot force your beliefs on anyone else and I’m not even going to start the argument of how cruel God would be to send his saved souls back.”

People were rallying behind him as fuckface started to look more and more uncomfortable on his little box.

“I would tell you to suck my dick, but alas I have standards.” Alex said, “Now, if you excuse me, you can shove your backwards and ignorant ideals up your ass and pray for forgiveness, since you are not really loving your neighbor as thyself.”

*

And with that he marched away, not caring that the guy was getting mobbed by the fired up bystanders.

He didn’t get far though, before he was stopped. A friendly freckled face smiled: “Hey man, I really appreciate that, I was about to give him a meeting with my fist, but perhaps better that I didn’t. Sorry, I’m Jonathan Lawson, call me John.”

Alex smiled back, mentally cursing himself for being caught unaware, as he replied: “Alex Hambleton, pleasure.”

Johns eyes grew wide and this was exactly what he had wanted to avoid. Trying to save himself the lie, he asked: “I’m sorry, did I say something wrong?”

“No, sorry, just a familiar name.” John smiled back sadly, excitement falling of his face.

“Ah, I got that before, always awkward.” Alex assured him, “I was on my way to the library.”

“Hey, me as well, I was meeting two friends there, I’m probably late.” John answered, “Here, I’ll walk with you.”

“Sorry for holding you.” Alex said, starting to walk.

“Nah, don’t worry, if you hadn’t shown up I would have fought the guy and I would have been even later.” John grinned and, by god, Alex had missed that smile, “You being there will be the best explanation anyway.”

“Glad to be of service.” Alex grinned back, a pang in his heart that he couldn't hug his Laurens.

Alex had been right that Herc and Laf would be the people waiting for John. Their eyes widened when they came into view and Alex pretended he didn’t see the small shake of the head John gave them and how sad they looked afterwards.

Instead he smiled and stuck out his hand as he introduced himself: “Alex, nice to meet ya. I am here to verify that John has a valid excuse for being late.”

And that was Johns cue to jump in: “Yes, you see there was this asshole, and when I say asshole I mean asshole.”

“Homophobic asshole.” Alex added for him.

John nodded: “And you know me, I wasn’t about to let that slide, but then before I could punch him Alex here jumped in and he verbally ripped him apart, which was glorious and probably better since now I’m not bleeding or at a police station and somewhat semi-on time.”

Lafayette and Herc looked back and forth between them, then Herc sighed and said: “Of fucking course, anyway I am Hercules, but call me Herc.”

“And I am Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier de Marquis de La Fayette, but everyone just calls me Lafayette or Laf.” Laf grinned, shaking Alexs hand excitedly.

“It’s a pleasure.” it hurt Alex to let go of Lafs hand after that.

“So are you a reincarnate?” Laf asked.

Alex forced himself to look surprised and scandalized. To ask about someones past life was similar to asking ones sexual orientation, it wasn’t that weird, but also not really a socially accepted thing to do.

“Oh, desolé, I forget you Americans don’t ask that.” Lafayette smiled innocently, but Alex had known the other long enough not to trust it.

“No problem, but no, not as far as I am aware.” he lied smoothly, feeling slightly bad at their crestfallen expressions, “But you’re French? Je parle français!”

Lafs eyes lit up as he spouted it in quick French: “Quelqu'un d'autre qui parle la plus belle langue du monde! ”

“Je dois dire que j'aime beaucoup ça, oui.” Alex grinned.

“Hey, no excluding.” John pouted.

“Don’t you speak French too, John?” Herc asked.

“I used to, but I forgot.” John grimaced.

“Anyway, as fun as this is, I still have an essay to finish and a few sources to find.” Alex changed the subject. It was fun to see his friends, but it hurt that it couldn't stay like this and every moment was a moment he could slip up.

“Same, here I’ll come with you.” John offered, “We were planning on studying already. One more person at the table won’t hurt.”

Alex hesitated, then gave in.

One day wouldn’t hurt, right?

Wrong.

One day turned into two, turned into a week and before he knew it he had befriended all three of them to the point of no return.

He wasn’t complaining, because being here with his friends, alive and in the flesh, was amazing, but it got increasingly harder not to join in whenever they made references or jokes only past him would have gotten.

Naturally he pouted about exclusion and Lafayette would give him a kiss on the cheek as he apologized and changed topics, never explaining.

It was good, especially when they found out they all took American History together next semester, which was given by Professor Washburn. Not hard to figure out who that would be, given, well given everything so far.

They were all excited of course, but Alex was more nervous than anything. Would he be able to keep his mouth shut when faced with Washington?

Seemingly he was not the only one who had put together who their teacher was. When he entered the room with John and Laf both gave the man a lazy salute while Herc nodded at him, Alex settled on looking confused hoping to avoid any conversation.

Washingtons eyes widened and John said: “Hey, Alex, save me a seat, I wanna talk to the prof for a sec.”

“Yeah, me too.” Laf added.

Herc and Alex didn’t ask questions, just waved them off. Alex watched closely as his two friends greeted Washington. The man grinned broadly and he clasped both on their shoulders, sending a pang of longing and jealousy through Alex, before it was replaced by fear as Washington gestured over to him.

Lafayette and John shook their head sadly and said something to Washington that Alex couldn't make out as Washington nodded in reply, a small sad frown on his face.

The three said their goodbyes, before Laf and John made their way back. Alex couldn't help, but ask: “So, what was that about?”

“Oh, nothing much really.” John tried to avoid the topic.

“Why did you point at me?” Alex asked, god why did he always have to know everything? Make sure everything was going as planned?

“Because.” John answered.

“That’s not really a reason honestly.” Alex told him.

“Just let it go, alright?” John said.

“Laf?” Alex turned to the Frenchman.

Laf in turn shrugged: “It’s a past life thing, mon ami, we knew him. He thought he recognized you, but we explained, so that it wouldn’t be awkward.”

“Ah, thank you.” Alex said, curiosity sated and suspicions confirmed, “Why was that so hard to say?”

John threw his hands up in the air and snapped: “Because you are really similar to someone we knew and it still kinda sucks that you either aren’t him or aren’t remembering.”

Then he got up and sat somewhere else, the pit of guilt already forming in Alex stomach, he just had to keep fucking up, didn’t he?

Herc noticed and tried to comfort him: “Don’t take it to personally, Alex. You’re still great and we’re glad we know you. John was just close with the other Alex, well, Alexander.”

It didn’t really help and Alex just nodded, deciding to just keep his head down for now, not wanting more attention then necessary right now. Especially knowing who was standing in front of the board.

Of course the intention of keeping his head down did not last long and before he was really aware of what he was doing, he was ripping into this kid, Chris something or whatever. It didn’t matter, he was dumb and his opinions were shit, and Alex was letting him know.

“How on earth can you think that General Gates would have been a better leader for the Revolution instead of, oh, I don’t know, the Father of Founding Fathers, General and President Washington, who lead the American troops to victory?” he argued angrily.

“Washington took unnecessary risks and suffered many humiliating defeats that General Gates could have prevented.” the other kid sniffed.

“Those risks, as you like to call them, paid off.” Alex spat, “You’re sitting here because of them, deserving or not, and I suggest you pay better attention so you can realize how absurdly wrong you are.”

It looked like the kid was going to say something else, but before he could, John had stood up and threatened: “If you don’t keep your fucking mouth shut, it will meet my fist. Don’t test me.”

“Mr.-” Washington began.

“Lawson, sir.” John supplied

“Mr. Lawson, as much as I can appreciate discussions, I have to ask you keep the violence to yourself since it will not be condoled in this classroom.” Washington said.

John sat down, but he’d kept glaring at the Chris kid for the rest of the lecture. Though he seemed to have cooled down at the end and less angry at Alex since he joined them again while walking out of class.

“Hey, sorry for overstepping earlier.” Alex told him, just in case.

“It’s alright, just fresh wounds, I shouldn’t have snapped at you.” John replied, he’s always had a big heart, “Besides, you made it up by fucking up that stupid Charles kid.”

“Charles? I thought he was named Chris.” Alex said, putting together why the argument had felt familiar, and getting a few snorts.

“You got really into that debate.” Lafayette said, a silent push to explain hung unsaid in the air.

Alex shrugged: “I’m an immigrant, I tried my whole life to get onto American soil, read all about the history and it irks me that privileged fucks like that don’t realize how fucking lucky they are to be born here. I know the Founding Fathers did some fucked up shit, of course, but, I don’t know, it’s hard to explain.”

“Nah, I get it.” John slung an arm around his shoulders and pulled him a side hug. Alex went willingly, the novelty at being allowed to do this was still amazing.

They talked some more as they walked when a black girl in a mellow pink top stalked her way over to them. Herc asked: “What the hell did you all do to piss her off.”

“Hey, I did nothing!” John exclaimed offended.

Lafayette looked scared, but turned up his sweetest smile as he asked the girl: “Hello, mademoiselle, what can we do for you?”

“I’m hosting a party, you’re invited.” she told them, “All of you. I’m Angie.” then she rattled off an address and a date, “Don’t miss it.”

“Wouldn’t dream off it.” Laf managed before she was gone.

The four of them shared a look and Alex said: “Was it just me or was that weird.”

He looked to the girls retreating back and saw her meet up with two other girls. One of them had wide eyes as she said something to Angie, then looked their way, blushing when she locked eyes with Alexander.

“No, that was definitely weird.” Herc assured him, snapping him back to the conversation.

“But it’s a party.” John cheered, “We have to go, I missed parties over the winter break, god the Christmas Galas were not something I looked forward to, but this will be fun.”

“Christmas Galas?” Alex raised a brow as a shit-eating grin crept onto his face.

John pushed him away with a fuck off and Alex silently mourned the presence of a warm arm over his shoulders as he tried to focus on John telling him about his father who was a Senator in South Carolina.

They laughed at John for a moment, before Alex mused: “You think it would be okay to drag my roommate with me? He never does anything fun, I want him to loose the stick that crawled up his ass.”

“Just take him.” Herc said.

“Yeah, what’s the worst that can happen?” Laf added.

Alex grinned and said: “You don’t want me to answer that. I am a chronic over-thinker with a tendency for the negative.”

“Try me.” Lafayette challenged.

“Well at this rate he murdered her previous lover, probably, and she kills him in return, she seems severe enough to pull it off and then I was there and I get charged just for being an accessory and my visa gets revoked and I get deported.” Alex theorized, taking small joys in bouncing off the truth for Aaron, though he had not realized how close to the truth he was for their invitee.

John laughed and ruffled his hair: “You’re a tiny idiot.”

“Like you’re one to talk. You’re hardly taller than me.” Alex pouted, his new life had not granted him more height sadly while it seemed that everyone elses had.

They traded more jabs as they walked before they had to split up for their dorms. He threw open the door and greeted Aaron, who startled violently at the noise, with a: “I have been invited to a party and you are going. I cannot let you die of being a boring nerd.”

“Alexander, do you want me to remind you of how much time you spend on your own studies?” Aaron asked, he had grown less skittish around him through time, especially when Alex showed no signs of remembering.

“Yeah, but I don’t have a stick up my ass.” Alex whined, “Come on, Aaron, please. Just for once in your life do something other than being the prime student who has no opinions.”

He watched as emotions warred on Aarons face. It was a low blow to call upon his last life while the other couldn't bring it up, an ultimate guilt trip.

“Alright.” but it worked.

Alex cheered and told him that it was that weekend, before plopping down at his desk and starting up his laptop, planning to finish the essay Washington had assigned for the end of the month, three weeks away.

~~~~~~

Sorry for my Google Translate French, I gave up on learning the language when I was twelve. The convo was this:

A: “I speak French!”

L: “Someone else who speaks the most beautiful language in the world!”

A: “I must say I’m quite fond of it, yes.”

[dismas-dumbass]

Mom says that a house is like a body. And every house has eyes and bones and skin. A face. This room is like the heart of the house. No, not a heart, a stomach.

-The Haunting of Hill House

Hackett Siblings wanted for some absolutely chaotic drama!

CW: suicide, ptsd, mental trauma, death, substance abuse

henlo, welcome to the ad where i lose my shit cause i’ve lost control of my life. anyway! i have the idea for a rather messed up group of siblings slightly based off the Haunting of Hill House show. The basics are that there’s a large house, there’s a large family, something reaaaallyy rreeaally bad happens to the family when the kids are young that have fucked them up for the rest of their lives, fun stuff like that! obviously the situation is more subtle/personal rather than what goes on in the show [i’ll try to be vague due to spoilers] but i think it’s still something that can be rather creepy~ pretty much 95% of the info presented in this version of the ad is rather flexible and flimsy and i definitely don’t mind working with y’all to make it something amazing!! also, no knowledge of the show is needed whatsoever but just be a tiny bit careful if you do wanna see it/don’t like being spoiled mostly just due to the fact that with the themes that will be in the ad the show will probably be discussed as well!

a loooootttt of the details aren’t set in stone btw! i’m pretty much outlining my thoughts and the general concept but things may/will change and things will be added/subtracted as more people contribute to the idea!

if you have any questions or even if this strikes your fancy you can contact me on discord [mine’s dismas#9766]! if there’s more than one of ya then we can get a group chat going so that way we can see what ideas we all have for this! i can’t wait to write with y’all! <3

Backstory

alright, so the gist is that the Hackett family used to live in a rather big and fancy house. why they were there is up in the air so here’s a few suggestions: A. like the show, their parents were fixing it up. now, whether that means they’re going to sell it right after or live in it is open since both angles are rather interesting! B. they inherited it. from who? who knows! could be a relative that one of the parents knew, could have been random. it’s just a harmless house right? it might be good for the family! C. they just moved there. weird house for a good price? why not! it might be fun! 

whatever the reason, the siblings were in the house for some time. whether they’re natives to Dyrne or outsiders is open since all of the concepts can cover those possibilities easily! there’s no strict timeline yet as to how old they were when they were in that house but more than likely the youngest [twin] siblings were no younger than 6 so make of that what you will with the age ranges~ i would say that they were in that house for about a year or so? technically not too long in their lives but enough to cause lifelong damage?

their parents were good people. they had their flaws obviously and raising literally seven kids was an undertaking but they managed fine enough. mostly through the power of having the older siblings taking care of the younger. but even then they were loving parents. their father was a bit of a mess but well-meaning [think: one of the little siblings learned a swear word from an older one and their father tries to track them down, shouting throughout the house ‘get your ass in here now or else you’re grounded!’] and their mother was more organized yet didn’t hesitate to create a tiny bit of harmless chaos every once in a while. they loved each other, they loved their kids.

now, obviously, there’s the subject of the house itself. what’s the history behind it? that’s definitely left open due to the very reason why they’re there. but there’s probably something wrong with the house. physically? spiritually? mentally? whoever walks those halls won’t exactly be coming back out the same, that’s for sure. And that’s sort of what happened. the official story was that the Hackett family lived in the house for year, doing whatever, and then a fire broke out which caused the death of their mother. the rest of the family was able to escape and the father gave the testimony that it was an electrical fire -when investigated, he was proven innocent of any wrongdoing.

so what’s the actual story? It’s a bit of a mish mash of weird memories, mostly. it’s not really known whether the house is actually alive alive or if its history is just a horrible set of coincidences of bad stuff happening to people. the actual night was a blur to the siblings, all of them being ushered out of the house by their frantic father and herded into the car. when they asked where their mother was their father didn’t answer so they were just left crying after their missing mother. they didn’t even know that there was a fire even though maybe one of them said that they smelled smoke. they didn’t find out until one of the officers at the scene talked about it. for whatever reason, each and every one of them were silent on why they were brought out of the house by their father.

it’s still something they don’t know about.

to be fair, it was almost a partial relief to be out of the house. as i mentioned with the family they were held together well enough and were loving but things started to change when they moved to that house. slowly, surely, they started to encounter strange happenings, feel strange things, and started to view each other differently. what exactly happened to each family member is left open since they mostly don’t speak of their experiences except for the youngest. even their father, who may have experienced quite a lot, was tight-lipped about what happened to him, especially on the night of the fire. the experiences changed them, messed with them, and caused them to splinter and falter and break. after the death of their mother there was obviously quite a few years before everyone split up but they eventually did, going off to do their own things with their own scars hidden beneath their lies. some moved away, some stayed, but they still stayed in touch in some fashion. just not enough to be considered personal anymore.

what brought them all back together was the death of their father not too long ago. The poor man must have been consumed by guilt of some sort and took his own life, leaving his children behind to deal with the aftermath. they still never got any secrets from him nor any answers so all that’s there are feelings of confusion and loss. where the story begins is the revealed news that all the siblings are going to be living under one roof -in that house. the youngest daughter, for whatever reason, decided to purchase their childhood home back and has been in the process of restoring it. the reason why each sibling decides to go along with this is up in the air but the end result is the same: all seven siblings, plus any other family they may have, are now living in that house again.

Siblings

all the siblings except the one i’ll be playing are not set in stone! i’m going for a redheaded family sort of feel so the face claims i’ve put for each of them are something that i prefer but! tbh i’m super flexible and and at the end of the day it’s not a dealbreaker to choose someone else~ since i don’t wanna restrict folk’s fun over a fc choice! overall the sibling's interactions between each other are not that amicable -some may try to cooperate but old wounds come up and oftentimes a fight arises. they still have their weird traditions such as drawing straws if they need to do something and nobody wants to or they all fall silent at the same time [not often, obv., since they're mostly shouting over each other] that cause people on the outside to look at them strangely. at the end of the day, they can't escape the fact that they are siblings and are from the same disturbed family.

beliefs as well are varied and open! none say that they believe their youngest brother whenever he tries to convince them of what happened at the house though whether or not they believe that inside their heads is another matter entirely~

also! don’t feel as though you have to base your characters off any from the show! it’s just a nice start-off point and if you’re inspired but it’s definitely not a requirement whatsoever!

tbh a lot of the siblings aren’t fleshed out a lot & what happened to them in the house is also open so feel free to go wild!! i mean it; you can add as much as you want so that you can create a character that you’ll love to write for!

Eldest Son- 51. Toby Stephens.

being the eldest, he was the one to usually look after the younger children if their parents needed to do something. he built up a sort of protector complex where he has to make sure that he knows where all the other siblings are at all times. he fails constantly, of course, since he can’t even manage to have one of them listen to him. still, he feels responsible for all of his other siblings and takes it personally when he can’t get something done for them. he has his flaws, obviously, in that he tries to say that his way is the right way and can be as stubborn as an ox so despite his best intentions he clashes with some of the other siblings. this may be why none of them tend to listen to him.

Second Son- 50. Tony Curran.

He is one of the quieter siblings, preferring to be by himself when not needed. It isn’t that he dislikes his siblings; he just likes to be alone rather than among them. he’s kind and thoughtful so whenever one of the others needs help he’ll try to be there but besides that don’t count on him being somewhere on his own. Actually, it may be difficult to count on him in general because he loses track of time often and before he knows it he’s two hours late to moving some furniture for someone. this is probably the reason why he tends to be by himself -he doesn’t seem to grasp the passage of time as others have.

Eldest Daughter- 47. Sarah Rafferty.

she’s cruel. not absolutely cruel but cruel enough. she likes to poke and prod her siblings and see what sets them off. she thinks it’s funny and likes to observe the aftermath of her machinations. she likes to claim that she’s just bored but in reality she’s absolutely insecure herself and wants to bring others down to feel better about herself. don’t tell this to her face because she will absolutely try to turn it back on you and make you out to be the bad guy while she is the victim. also, don’t try to get revenge -she’ll just be more inclined to do something worse to you.

Second Daughter- 46. Amy Adams.

she’s neutral towards, well, everything. she kind of just exists and she doesn’t like that. not a lot of passion, not a lot of purpose. maybe she tries something daring once in a while to feel something but comes up short. it’s difficult for her to emotionally connect with others in a deep way and oftentimes she finds herself alone. she doesn’t like being alone, though, since being alone means she’ll be alone with her thoughts and she hates that. If she can even feel that properly, anyway. she’s not emotionless in the sense that she is sociopathic but her difficulty feeling things has caused her to have a sarcastic and thorny exterior towards anyone she meets, fueling her involuntary self-isolation.

Third Daughter- 43. Jessica Chastain. Reserved for spooky spice

she's the face of the family. the most energetic. the most chaotic. the one to threaten to break someone's kneecaps if they dare harm her siblings. she'll give a show-stopping smile and then tell you to eat shit afterwards. due to the minimal age difference she always had to watch the twins and therefore she is close to them, especially Thomas. some joke that she's actually Thomas' twin -she can sort of just sense whenever the youngest Hackett is in trouble. she's not happy about anything seeming messy, of course, so she spares no second to chastise anyone [including Thomas] about what they have done wrong. her status among stardom cannot afford any blemishes so catch her changing the subject whenever an interviewer brings up the fact that her younger brother is a drug addict. trust her, she knows. she knows all too well. and maybe her motivation for buying up the Hackett siblings' childhood house was to try to get Thomas some actual help after he failed out of rehab for the umpteenth time. their father's suicide may have just reinforced her decision to go forward with this.

Twin One- 42. Michael Fassbender.

maybe he’s one of the most normal. maybe’s he’s the most normal. maybe he has to be -his twin is an absolute trainwreck of a human being and his family is an equal amount of mess. maybe he’s just good at saving face and hiding the damage caused by the house [and maybe by his siblings]. some days, he sort of forgets that he’s a twin and that said twin is a drug addict. when they were young they were close though he would often play kind of cruel tricks on his younger twin such as locking the door to the basement after daring Thomas to go down the stairs, leaving him in a room alone with the lights off, and things like that. he grew out of it, matured, and tries to ignore the fact that he may or may not have been part of the reason why Thomas is the way he is now. he's too focused on being a professor at the college to fully see the cries of help his younger twin is showing.

Twin Two Thomas Hackett- 42. Michael Fassbender. Taken by Dismas.

so you’re asking me if i have a problem. i probably do. the youngest of the Hackett family; he’s probably one of the most heavily affected by the events at the house. for those familiar with the show think a combination of inspiration between Luke and Eleanor Crain, but also with even more issues maybe as well as none of the siblings being on his side whatsoever on anything. he had quite a few strange encounters ranging anywhere from encountering something in the basement when he was locked in one time by his twin to being trapped in a room with so much noise that he passed out for hours. now, figure, he’s a young kid when all of this happened [probably around 6 or so, could be a tiny bit older] so he doesn’t know how to deal with any of this. this really fucks him up. on top of that, whenever he told his family, none of them ever believed, further fueling the feeling of being unwanted. he was probably the closest one to their mother, being the youngest and the most vulnerable of the children, so he was absolutely devastated when she perished in the fire that fateful night. he blamed his father, thinking that he did something to her and tried to hide it with said fire. he never stopped believing in that, nor in the experiences he had in the house, and it pretty much ate at his soul. not only that but nobody still believed him so he always felt useless. he developed a bitter and angry attitude to try to hide this but the wounds were never able to be covered for long and so he eventually turned to drugs to soothe his pain. obviously, it never fully did so he just fell deeper into the rabbit hole. he dropped out of high school and started to do all sorts of jobs and favors in order to get his next fix, oftentimes winding up being arrested for petty crimes. he earned a bad reputation around town and the only reason why he didn’t face too much jail time is due to one of his siblings always bailing him out. wash, rinse, and repeat.

nowadays he goes between being sort of okay and having his own place to being absolutely drugged out of his mind and having to crash at a sibling’s place if they’re local -mostly his twin or the youngest daughter of the family. he’s failed out of rehab recently which may have been one of the reasons why the youngest daughter decided to purchase and fix up their childhood home; so that he can have a stable over his head for once and maybe recover from his habits. little does she know, or maybe care, that the house was the reason for his down spiral in the first place so he is not thrilled whatsoever to be stuck in the same building with all the same people who did not believe him. he hates it here.

Other Ideas

this is pretty much going to be only the possible family of the siblings woops but with the house being rather large there’s a ton of room for more than just the siblings themselves and more than likely some of the other siblings are going to be in some sort of relationship unlike Thomas. now, of course, maybe not all of the spouses/partners/children live in the house after all but then again they might! i have a few small ideas:

the loyal partner- this partner is loyal to the sibling they’re married to/with, always making sure they’re alright and making sure the sibling is well taken care of. maybe even spoil/indulge a little too much the whims of the sibling. they may seem a little more oblivious to the chaotic dynamics of the siblings and the strangeness of the house. they just think that everyone needs to get along and everything will be okay! except it’s never that easy and they probably just look foolish for suggesting that.

the angry partner- they hate it in the house. all the fighting and the tension and the drama; they think it’s a bunch of bullshit. they especially think all the spooky~ stuff that apparently happened in the house is all bullshit too and won’t hesitate to call anyone out if the supernatural is even entertained. they just want to live their life in relative peace with the sibling they’re with 

the mediator partner- they may not necessarily believe in the unbelievable -in fact, their career hinges on finding out why people process stuff the way they do [ex. a therapist or psychologist]- but they still try to see all angles. they’re typically the one trying to quell the arguments between siblings and trying to see why the siblings feel the way they do about things (and about each other). they’re curious, however, about the house itself and may start poking around in the wrong places to try to discover the truth.

[one tiny suggestion! perhaps the mediator partner is married to Thomas’ twin brother and they have a kid with the face claim of Reece King? ;^; he has slightly similar facial features to Michael Fassbender + i think it’d be sweet if the partner tries to see why Thomas is fucked up the way he is and maybe even begins to sympathize/believe him after they start to figure stuff out?]

Plots

alright! so the obvious plots are going to be the interactions between siblings~ their personalities may give a hint to who they do or don’t get along with but in all honesty they all have bad enough blood with each other to have issues one way or another. so! drama! one of those ‘if you leave them in a room for long enough they’ll find something to fight about’ type of things! they do love each other -really, they do- but their experiences in the house changed them forever and there’s no gaining that back. they can only move forward.

they’re already living in the house for a short period of time [maaaybbe a month? a few weeks?] so they’re all settled in and dealing with the presence of each other and it’s not going exactly swimmingly for obvious reasons. maybe some try to cooperate with each other? others not so much. there’s plenty of fighting and slamming doors and shouting and leaving the area/the house to cool off. on more than one occasion Thomas has already stated that he’s leaving for good and going out on his own. he never follows through with the threat -he can’t. he’s as tied to the house as everyone else is and now he can’t escape. but you get the gist. it’s going to take a while for them to see eye to eye with each other. if they ever do, anyway.

future plots to explore are, of course, up in the air but they can deal with the siblings learning more about each other, learning more about their parents, and learning more about the house. and, of course, learning more about their town as well! Whether things start to get better or if they down spiral even further is going to be rather interesting to see~

for initial threads it could be fun [in a morbid sense] to do a past one where they’re attending their father’s funeral since that was kind of actually a shitshow. imagine all the siblings, with their awful traits, having to deal with the death of their parent and just in terrible pain. so, what else to do than to cause issues with each other and create quite a few commotions? obv. when the sibling’s personalities are solidified we can discuss this further! overall the first types of posts will be their interactions with the site plots, the town itself, and between them when they’re at the house so there’s plenty of room for drama!

[flamereign]

so i’ve always sorta wanted to make a short (ish) overview of lea’s mental/emotional state during & post kh3,  as the game in all it’s Disney Is For Kids!!! fashion glossed over a lot of the results, repercussions and consequences of going through the kind of trauma axelea went through. of course, this is based on my view of events ( i.e. lea did not relinquish his heart willingly and did not cope well at all to his heartless state as axel which does have repercussions on lea’s state of mind once he got his heart back ) and what i’d imagine that would do to a guy who spent about a decade in a really emotionally toxic environment basically suppressing his emotions / memories and even his past identity.  as i just want to give an overview, i tried keeping it as short and to the point as possible, but it did still get a tad long thanks to my tendency to ramble so sorry in advance ... 

in any case, thanks for reading!  here goes

during and early post kh3 lea gets easily overwhelmed by emotions. as i stated earlier, he did spent about a decade believing he couldn’t feel,  even resulting in him gaslighting himself whenever he did feel something. because he essentially lost his heart around age 15-16 you could say he’s basically still stuck in puberty, only with some added ptsd to the mix: lea literally has to relearn how to process and identify emotions within himself after a decade of suppressing them*. emotions, therefore, tend to hit him hard and fast, can take him utterly by surprise and he has difficult getting them back under control. this can lead to either an overreaction of a certain type of emotion ( for example laughter that turns to unstoppable giggles,  tears that turn to uncontrollable sobbing, mild anxiety that can flip to a panic attack at even the smallest triggers ),  contrary emotional reactions ( crying when happy, wanting to laugh when actually feeling angry or nervous, or even just a lack of emotional response when he's feeling sad ) loss of temper / anger due to embarrassment or even complete dissociation / a feeling of numbness. *see also point 3

this emotional overload leads to hypersensitivity especially if there are added outside stimuli; if it gets really bad even the touch of clothes against his skin feels like too much. in some cases, it can also result in a feeling of extreme depersonalization**, a feeling like he’s not part of his own body anymore,  like his consciousness is torn in every which direction and he’s about to splinter apart. his usual reaction is to isolate himself to a contained space with little to no outside stimuli ( so a dark, quiet and small space ) until he can come back to himself. if for any reason he can’t,  it will result in an anxiety attack or even him flipping to rage form and lashing out. **in this case, it actually helps him a lot of there is a weight placed on top of him to ground him back into the here and now: sometimes this means he’ll go sit in the shower under a really hard stream of water,  or he’ll go huddle into a really tight space or, if there is someone around he trusts, he’ll even calm down if they lay down on top of him as it also reassures him they’re real and they’re there.  anyone else touching him is a big no no in this situation, however. 

lea has a mild case of alexithymia as a result of the decade long suppression of his own emotions and feelings.  though this condition is defined as a personality trait,  in lea’s case it’s more of a result of that very specific trauma ( see also the point 1 ), and will get less impacting as time goes on and lea learns to readjust to life with heart and emotions once more. alexithymia is mainly characterized by: a) difficulty identifying feelings and distinguishing between feelings in the self and in others, b) difficulty describing feelings to others.  point a) also results in point 1 and 2 while point b) results more in point 4 below and actually makes talking about his experiences and his feelings quite taxing for him.

as a result of all of the above, he still shows a lot of avoidance behaviors:  deflecting ( mostly with humour or self depreciation ),  distracting himself w/ something else instead of letting himself process ( like, throwing himself immediately into training to become a keyblade wielder and saving his friends rather than, yanno, give himself some fucking time to breathe ),  becoming defensive or angry when people push ( exceptions here roxas / xion / isa / others, depending on plotted relationship, but even then it’s difficult for him to fully open up ) and he’ll rather avoid talking about the heavy stuff altogether for as long as possible, preferring to act like things are fine even if his body language and facial expressions clearly show things are, in fact, not fine. 

to add to the above:  unlike axel,  who had a kick ass poker face, lea has a really hard time hiding what he feels,  but that still doesn’t make it easier for him to express what he feels.  he may be an open book to others,  but it’s not as obvious to himself. of course contextually or depending on the situation he can infer whether his own state of mind is happy or sad or anxious and he does still have previous experience to draw on,  but if the context or situation can’t help him it could be that he cries but will not be able to say if they’re happy tears or sad tears,  if he feels unsettled he won’t be able to easily discern if it’s anger, if it’s frustration, anxiety or simply because there’s something physical going on ( lack of sleep / eating / oncoming illness etc etc ).  as you can imagine this is very frustrating to him and does not help the bullet points i already expanded on above. 

regardless of the motivations and traumas that guided axel’s behaviors and actions ( which i will make a separate post about ),  getting his heart back has been a quite eye-opening experience to lea to the extent he’s willing to go to survive,  to all of his worst qualities and sides and to the fact that he’s capable of doing the things he’s done:  his past as axel and the things he’s done are causing a tremendous amount of guilt, identity issues*** and even self-loathing culmulating in mild depression.  in short, the confidence he used to have as a kid and as a nobody have taken a big ass dent.  despite the fact that the keyblade has chosen him,  he often doubts and second guesses on whether he’s even worthy of it and had it not been for his determination to save his friends and fix past wrongs,  he might’ve even renounced that power all together thinking he doesn’t truly deserve to be a wielder.  this self-doubt and lack of confidence caused him a lot of issues in his training even getting the keyblade to appear and is, imo, one of the big reasons why he was overpowered so easily by xemnas in that final confrontation.  ***in my opinion, the traits of the nobodies can be seen as that actual person’s worst traits magnified -- in a way, axel can be seen as lea’s inner darkness: the selfishness, the impulsiveness, the temper, that manipulative side, the ruthlessness and the dishonesty are all traits that were already there, but were always balanced out and trumped by his positive traits. lea post kh3 has gotten to know a lot more about himself and essentially does not like the things he found out:  quite understandably he’s having a hard time accepting and reconciling axel with who he is as lea now and as a result he subconsciously tries to suppress the parts that are axel while consciously trying to accept them, which causes him to feel like he’s not sure anymore who he is and who he is supposed to be.  this only adds to the guilt and self-doubts he already experiences.  this is also why i thought that him letting other people use the name axel for him so easily was a really weird decision in the game. 

with his tendency to doubt his own worth also comes paranoia. one big example is the automatic suspicion he feels at nice / friendly gestures, actions or words -- a suspicion mainly borne from the thought that he doesn’t really deserve those,  or that it shouldn’t be as easy. especially during kh3 this will largely center around the other wielders of light or really anyone who’s known him as axel. 

a large part of the paranoia is also linked to his ptsd; he is very hyper-aware:  this can be hyper-awareness in specific situations -- for example he’ll feel uncomfortable in large crowds, or in spaces with low visibility, he’ll flinch at loud & sudden noises, will go from relaxed to ready to attack in the span of a second if someone or something startles him and he will shy away from touch from people he doesn’t know -- or even in a general sense meaning that in any given situation where things seem to be going well or he’s feeling happy he’s always in some part waiting for the other shoe to drop or for the situation to blow up in his face as some kind of karmic retribution. as a result, there’s part of him that has become very sensitive to change as any signs of abrupt and inexplicable change in his life will be interpreted as a sign of impending doom, to put it very dramatically. this in turn can feed into the emotional overload and bodily hypersensitivity i described further above. 

for that latter part, the same can be said about his relationships with other people. i don’t think it’ll come as a surprise to know that with everything he’s gone through and the losses he’s faced as axel, his part of the blame in that aside for a moment, lea has some major abandonment issues.   this also ties in with his low confidence, self-doubt and guilt complex: it’ll take a long time for him to trust that someone will actually want to stick around and part of him is also hypersensitive to signs of behavioral changes in others towards him -- in short, part of him is also always waiting for the people he cares about and who obviously also care about him to wise up about what a failure he is and consequentially leave him. if by any chance this does happen, even if it is through no fault of any party, he’ll always instinctively place the blame on himself, putting it down as something he’s said or done to make that person go.  as a result, if that person returns lea will be both clingy as well a avoidant as he a) wants for them to stick around and b) doesn’t trust them not to leave again, so it’d be better to simply keep his distance. 

the above also results in him not wanting to show his flaws, his doubts and weaknesses: he loathes failure, internalizes and bottles up a lot of his negative emotions towards himself and others and pushes himself beyond his boundaries often just to try and prove that he can ( despite not truly believing that he is ). he’s afraid that if the people he cares for and respect know about his doubts and fears, it’ll increase the risk of them leaving him behind. this is especially apparent in kh3 towards his fellow keyblade wielders: despite having his doubts about being worthy of the keyblade, it’s not something he would’ve ever said or shown, believing that if he showed any signs of not being able to handle the weight of the keyblade, they’d sideline him or boot him out completely. considering a big motivation for him joining the battle in the first place was to atone, to fix past mistakes by helping to save his friends, the idea of having that chance taken away caused a lot of fear and inner stress, resulting in frequent bouts of exhaustion and depression, more self-loathing, defensiveness and even anger if someone tried to critique his actions or question his motives. 

due to the above described symptoms of his ptsd, depression and emotional instability, he has issues with insomnia. whenever he does manage to get sleep, he also frequently experiences very vivid nightmares and night terrors. whereas as axel he’d turn to sleep to pass the time,  as lea he tends to avoid sleep altogether unless absolutely necessary.

obviously i realize that reading all of the above combined makes it sound as if lea’s struggling under huge emotional and mental strain every day ( and technically speaking he sorta is because this is not something that turns off from one day to the next ),  but i also want to add that lea himself doesn’t particularly think of himself as unhappy or depressed 24/7 ( or even at all ) so it’ll not always be super apparent in his attitude or the way i write him in threads. imo, lea’s strength has always come from his empathy, his mental fortitude and his ability to adapt --- and i don’t want to forget that on top of all the negative, he’s finally experiencing all the positive sides of having his heart back as well. this, plus the fact that, unlike axel, he actually has a support system to fall back on, friends that support him and who he can support in return, definitely help him a lot in his day to day activities. 

nevertheless the above are all factors i take into account to determine the way axelea thinks and chooses to react to certain situations and in his interpersonal relationships and are thus important to my portrayal of him. so to anyone who’s read this entire thing:  i love you from the bottom of my heart. 

[felicismagic18873]

Beyond the Blaze (12)

Summary: 4 Years old, Alyssa Potter finds her life taking a magical turn as she steps into a world of cute green giants, talking robots and misunderstood aliens. All of it is almost enough to make her forget the probable destruction of her own world.

Tony Stark hated paperwork. It was a known fact, a reality known by anyone who had ever worked under him. Sitting idle reading over boring clauses and fine print was not his thing. Its why he had a legal team, after all. This well-known fact is what Stane used to cover his tracks and deceive the person who he claimed was like a son to him

And it was also the reason Tony never signed whatever was handed to him anymore, actually, he refused to have things handed to him at all.

After Ob-Stane's betrayal, Tony and JARVIS went over any contract he was presented with together. JARVIS could double and triple check each clause and their after-effects within half a minute. This proved to be especially useful during research and paperwork for 'Project Ohana'.

After going through dozens of legal methods and Jarvis calculating their odds of succeeding he at one point considered just throwing a lot of money at the social services and hoping for the best but even that had its risks, risks he was not willing to take, not in this case.

After some research, it was clear that their options were limited to either adopting the kid or somehow getting into contact with the mutant community and figuring something out. Giving the kid up to the system was out of the question and he was saving the mutant option as a last-minute resort.

Adoption it was.

Due to the Newyork invasion, the need for adoptive parents outweighed the need to verify the eligibility of the parent and Tony (not without some semblance of guilt) hoped that it would help to fast track his own application.

But adopting a kid was, evidently, not as easy as it sounded, especially not for a reformed weapon seller. After going through dozens of other legal methods and Jarvis calculating their odds of succeeding he, at one point, considered just throwing a lot of money at the social services and hoping for the best but even that had its risks, risks he was not willing to take, not in this case.

So, in the end, he just sent in the paperwork needed to became a potential adoptive parent hoping for the best, all the while deliberately ignoring the word 'parent'. If anything it was more like him applying to have a roommate, yep, that's it. A tiny roommate

Looking up from his screen, Tony glanced at Dum-E whacking away at a small stool blocking his path, not yet realizing he could just take a few steps back and go around it.

A tiny roommate he'd be responsible for. Perfect.

-----------------------

Bruce was having an exhausting day. He didn't get much sleep the previous night, tossing and turning until he finally gave up and decided to meditate instead. Hulk was restless and no matter what he did, the other guy didn't give a single damn about the physical and mental stress he was causing Bruce.

Then, his meditation was interrupted by a call from Captain America who was keeping his promise of keeping in touch with him. Apparently the guy they were chasing managed to disappear after stabbing him multiple times and breaking Black widow's arm. Not the least stressful news to get first thing in the morning.

During breakfast, as he finished another call asking over the duos condition, Bruce idly contemplated blocking any other calls from the Captain for the rest of the day, Tony would support him wholeheartedly he was sure.

Though considering their last interaction, he was sure Alyssa wouldn't mind either. He realized she might actually be happy about it. Now that was a conversation they had to have soon. Not that particular day or week, but soon.

Bruce looked over the kid munching down apple slices while revising her tables, it was a mystery why such a sweet child would dislike Captain America to the point of making a face whenever his name was mentioned. He wondered if it was something she had picked on from Tony, not that he had could see Tony do such a thing. Then again, Bruce though leaning back against the couch, he didn't imagine Tony would end up trying to adopt Alyssa either. There was something about that that still bugged him.

So, after breakfast, he decided to go down to the lab. He managed to convince Tony to eat a few sandwiches all the while wondering how the man functioned during his working sprees when no one was around. By now even Alyssa had taken to handing random snacks to Tony whenever she saw him.

Once he was sure Tony had finished his food, he approached the issue that he had wanted to discuss with Tony in the first place, his promise to Alyssa about her future, which considering his current situation with the other guy, might not have been the best idea.

Bruce looked at Tony with tired eyes "Tony," He sounded exhausted, even to his own ears, "I am not against you. I want her here as much as you do. All I'm saying is that you shouldn't have promised Alyssa anything. Who knows how this will turn out and if it doesn't work, Tony, it will break her heart."

"No, it won't. Because this is going to work, " Tony said confidently while he added to the protocols in Javis's programming relating to the said girl.

Bruce rubbed the bridge of his nose, "And how exactly is this plan supposed to work?" He asked in an exasperated manner, "Tony, I can not adopt. Not even if I wanted to, " He stressed the words trying to make Tony understand where he was coming from," and we have no idea whether you will even be considered for the program much less deemed eligible to adopt. So, how can you be so sure this will work?" He stepped between Tony and the screen making Tony look at him.

Tony stilled for a second before continuing, "It'll work because it has to," Tony simply said, waving away the screen, "and if it doesn't we'll just find another way because we don't leave tiny avengers behind."

Bruce let out a tired but fond chuckle letting go of the smidgen of annoyance he felt, " Tiny avengers huh? Is that what we're calling them these days?"

"Yup," Tony popped out the 'P', shrugging. Even in his stained T-shirt and ripped jeans, he looked poised and confident starring down a man that even the army was afraid of, and Bruce kind of loved him for that.

Bruce absent-mindedly wondered how his life had gone from being a ran away to fighting aliens to discussing adoption with Tony Stark. Though the last did not seem so ridiculous after everything he had observed in the past weeks.

He could almost understand the sentiment behind Tony refusing to accept the fact that something may go wrong. He could see that Tony had the same doubts he did but he just wanted to hold onto hope a little longer. To do so otherwise felt like accepting defeat.

Bruce moved away from Tony and picking up the plate Tony had put on the workshop desk, he took the dishes over to the sofa instead. Placing the dishes on the side table he sat down for the first time since coming downstairs an hour ago.

Tony glanced at him once finishing off the task he had undertaken, then joined Bruce on the couch as Jarvis processed the changes. Tony thought that adding a 'Nanny protocol' was the best way of preventing any further incidents like Alyssa's meeting with Loki. It was a good idea, Bruce gave him that but something told him that if Alyssa wanted to get in trouble, there was nothing that could really stop her.

Thankfully, Hulk had calmed down the moment Bruce had entered the lab, he knew the other guy liked tony but he had had no idea how much until now. Bruce stayed silent for a while, closing his eyes and relaxing a bit. He thought over Alyssa's study session the night before. He had started teaching Alyssa from actual books than her practice books, which she had finished in a matter of days, and she took to her studies like a fish to the sea so she had no problem following him as he taught her things like tables and square roots. You know, everyday stuff.  

Speaking of-

"Any news on your application?" He spoke softly, opening his eyes to look at Tony. According to Jarvis after submission of the application, they were supposed to be informed whether or not Tony was qualified for adoption.

Tony stilled, "What day is it?" His eyes had a panicked look in his eyes.

Bruce hoped that the conclusion he had drawn from Tony's reaction was wrong, "Monday." he carefully told Tony, seeing as the panic from the eyes finally reflected on his face. And he knew-

"Shit!" Tony cursed.

Tony had forgotten the date. Bruce controlled a sigh, looking up as if begging for help.

Tony stood up in a quick movement." I was supposed to get the email today, or rather Pepper was. " He ran a hand through his hair, nervousness rolled off of him even though he was trying his best to hide it.

Bruce followed Tony with his eyes as he paced a bit, muttering to himself about how stupid it was that he forgot and that it was all Dum-E's fault for feeding him questionable smoothies, they must have messed with his head. Why else would he forget to set a reminder?

Bruce allowed Tony to rile himself up for a few moments then decided to interrupt the tirade by asking, "Pepper?"

"Jarvis, get me, Pepper" Tony declared before turning to Bruce, "Yes, Pepper. Do keep up Bruciekins." He seemed confused at Bruce's confusion like it was perfectly normal for Pepper to be getting Tony's email.

Bruce frowned a bit, " Pepper is not your PA anymore."

Tony rolled his eyes a bit, " Yes, I know. I was the one who gave her my company, remember?" Then looking at Bruce his features softened a bit, "She insisted that I give her email as the contact, something about rash actions and yadda yadda," He explained making talking signs with his hands.

Honestly, it made a lot of sense. Something Bruce had noticed over time was that Tony felt everything so very deeply. It was both a blessing and a curse. Small things that Bruce would not even think twice about seemed to ring with Tony, like him making dinner or Alyssa deciding that her Iron man Pj's were her favorite and wearing them whenever she could get away with it. Tony would try to hide it but Bruce could usually catch the fond smile tucked away at the corner of his lips.

But at the same time, it also made him very susceptible to being hurt which was probably the reason he tried not to let people know exactly how much he felt. But those that did know, a small group that now included Burce, knew that when he was overwhelmed he acted, well, reckless.

Who knows what Tony would have done if he read the email while as emotionally charged as he was nowadays, it was definitely a good idea for Pepper to break whatever news was in there to him gently, to act as a buffer.

It took about a minute before Pepper appeared on the screen. They were lucky that she picked up, seeing the fact that she was surrounded by a mountain of paperwork and probably would be busy the whole day. She was in the office working, which made sense since it was only ten in the morning.

"Mr.Stark, " Pepper spoke absently her eyes still locked on the papers before her, her red hair stood out against the bland decorations of the office. The frown on her face as she rubbed her forehead hinted at an upcoming headache. Bruce winced with sympathy.

Tony threw open his arms and grinned, "Peppermint!" He said with such affection that even Pepper couldn't help smiling, breaking the professional act she was trying to keep, as she put down her pen and leaned back on the chair, "Give me the good news, come on lay it on me."

Pepper shook her head looking amused, '' Uh-huh" She closed the file with the pen acting as the bookmark and rested her chin on her palm "What exactly do you want Tony? I'm busy." She gestured at all the files, "Oh Hello, Doctor Banner," She finally noticed him, giving a small wave of her hand.

Bruce raised a hand in greeting, " Bruce is just fine, Miss Potts." His lips twitched at the impatient look on Tony's face.

"Pe-"

"Then I insist on Pepper," She replied ignoring Tony's attempt to talk.

"The email, Pep! The email!" Tony finally burst out.

Peppers' face fell, she picked up a pen and started fiddling with it, not meeting their eyes and even before she spoke Bruce knew it wouldn't be good news.

"I didn't call because, well, I hoped to tell you in person," Pepper spoke quietly as if she was talking to herself, she looked at Tony for a second as if deciding whether or not it was okay to tell him. "Tony they didn't reject your application," She began slowly, "but it's under process. " She took a deep breath, bracing herself, "Tony, taking in your, well, colorful past, the process could take up to five to six months and that's just my minimum estimate," The pen was put away as Pepper; looked at Tony for his reaction.

Bruce also found himself focused on Tony. It was easier to focus on him than the dread that filled his stomach. He knew this was going to happen and yet nothing could have prepared him for the sudden sorrow he felt. Somehow the little girl had wormed her way into both of their hearts, even Hulk loved the little beastie.

Tony's face became blank before settling on what Bruce was starting to recognize as his go-to expression to process what was happening. His lips pressed close, eyes focused somewhere left to the screen and a small furrow between his eyebrows.

It took a few moments for Tony to break out of his thoughts. He wordlessly took one of the projections floating around and crumpled it in his hands like a ball. No one spoke, letting him gather his thoughts.

Tony threw the ball from one hand to the other eyes fixed on the bluish glow as he paced, "Okay," He started, taking a small breath, " it's fine, we're fine. We can figure something out." He stopped with a sudden jerk, "You know what doesn't make sense," He turned to look at Pepper, " They are willing to put the responsibility of the entire country, no the entire goddamn planet on our shoulders but when it comes to taking care of a kid I'm too irresponsible? Seriously? Assholes!" He threw the crumpled ball angrily towards the projection of a goal.

The goal flashed a new high score as the ball went through.

Bruce pressed his lips together and took a few calming breaths then he walked up to Tony and laid a gentle hand on his forearm. Tony immediately turned all his attention towards Bruce, the nervous energy almost emitting from his body. Bruce gestured to the chair placed near the working station. To his surprise, Tony didn't argue. He just allowed himself to be pushed into the chair

Tony cursed under his breath and threw his head back, staring at the ceiling, his fingers drummed an erratic beat on his thigh. Bruce could almost see the calculations happening behind his eyes, probably about their next step. Tony exhaled through his nose then said in a considering manner, "Didn't Rhodey once date someone in the CPS maybe he can-"

"Tony, they're just doing their jobs." Bruce interrupted before Tony could go on with that line of thought.

Tony cursed again.

Bruce absently noticed that Pepper was being too quiet, he glanced at her but she looked lost in thoughts. It took a few seconds for her to break the depressing silence.

"There is one way," She said softly like it wasn't meant to be heard.

Tony removed the hand he had placed over his eyes and gave her a very hopeful look. Bruce was mostly curious to see what she came up with.

"Look, I was thinking....maybe I can adopt her."

Everything stood still for a second.

"What?"

Pepper took a deep breath, exhaling through her nose. She corrected her posture, sitting up straight and looked straight at Tony, "I was approved for adopting two years ago.", She admitted, "I was planning to adopt anyways. And with what you told me about Alyssa's mutant status, well why not now?" She stopped for a second, "This way she can get the training and protection she needs without any legal problems and you get to be with her, " She nodded to herself, Bruce wondered whether she was convincing them or herself, " I can move into my floor at the tower if you haven't given it away" Pepper raised her eyebrows leaning back in the chair looking smug.

Tony kept starring at her before breaking out into a huge smile, "That is...great. Perfect! " He laughed happily, "Pepper potts you are a lifesaver! I love how your mind works, really, no joke. You are the most amazing woman I've ever met. You can adopt her and once I'm cleared-"

"We'll just transfer the rights." Pepper completed his thought and the old-time friends shared a satisfied smile, Bruce wondered whether this is how they looked after a successful deal. Their years of friendship were evident by their casual understanding of each other's thoughts.

"Miss Potts,-" Bruce couldn't stop himself from interrupting the small celebration though he knew it might work out better for them if he didn't.

"Pepper." Pepper corrected.

"Pepper then. Pepper you don't feel pressured or coerced to do this, do you? " He asked, wanting to make sure, "Because we can figure something else out, Adoption... it's not a small decision."

"I wouldn't have offered if I wasn't okay with it Bruce." Pepper let out a small reassuring smile, "You guys saved hundreds of lives, this is my chance to at least save one."

It made both of the men pause for a second as they looked at each other.

"If you're sure."," Bruce asked again, looking straight towards her to see any sign of discomfort.

"I am"." Pepper leaned back on her chair and replied confidently.

"Okay then," Bruce agreed and allowed himself to return her smile if Pepper was okay with it, he had no problem with the idea. It was the best they could do right now and honestly when he thought about it, Alyssa could use Pepper's influence in her life.

"So now that we've established that Pepper is willingly doing this, I am gonna give a green light on the shopping cart for Matilda," Tony declared as a list full of children's clothes, toys, and other necessities appeared on a side screen.

"Sure," Bruce chuckled, knowing he was the one who had acted as the figurative red light. "Knock yourself out,"

"Nothing strawberry flavored," Pepper warned with a stern look.

Tony looked like he wanted to argue before thinking otherwise," Nothing strawberry flavored." He agreed.

-----------------------

Alyssa was used to getting ready for parties and get-togethers, her uncle loved taking her to his parties, cause while Dudley usually ended up making a scene, she was usually well behaved. Even her aunt loved to show off the girl they had taken in from the kindness of their hearts ( as if she didn't insist on dumping her in the orphanage the whole first year Alyssa stayed with them), she wanted people to see how well they had raised her.

So, it wasn't a new thing to get ready in a pretty dress but that night she got ready with extra attention. Mista Tony had picked out a beautiful red dress with a bow in the back for her and she loved it. She combed her hair, pulling them back in a half up half down ponytail with Bruce's help, it was a bit tilted but you couldn't tell when she moved around and she also tidied up her room, packing away all the workbooks that littered her bedside table.

She wasn't as messy as Dudley but she wanted to make a good first impression. She was gonna meet Tony's Pepper today. She remembered seeing the red-headed lady that day in the living room but Tony explained that she didn't mean what she said and that she was going to help them now, she was the reason Alyssa got to stay with Tony and Bruce. Alyssa wondered if that meant she was now Alyssa's Pepper too.

If what Mista Bruce said was true then Pepper was going to be like Melina but Alyssa already had a Melina. She put a hand over her heart then clutched the Lilly shaped pendant tight until it left imprints on her little hand. Sometimes at night, she found herself thinking of what might have happened to her friend and it upset her to the point of holding in sobs. She missed Melina to the point of hurting.

Alyssa broke away from her thoughts, putting down the last dish on the dinner table. She had undertaken the task of setting the table each night, after such a long time of doing chores it felt weird sitting idle so she'd managed to get Bruce to assign her some simple ones.

"Pepper alert, " Tony declared from where he was lounging on the couch reading over some files.

Alyssa looked up seeing the said woman entering the penthouse. Miss Pepper looked very pretty, she was wearing a grey dress with some sort of coat on top. It reminded Alyssa of the people Uncle Vernon used to have on his business parties so Alyssa decided that she must have come straight from work.

Pepper greeted Bruce first then gave a short hug to Tony before turning towards Alyssa, she bowed down a bit to meet her eye to eye, " And you must be, Alyssa. Its good to finally meet you."

Alyssa smiled at her and curtsied, remembering what Melina taught her," Its good to meet you too, Miss Pepper. Thanks for helping us." The locked stayed warm around her neck, the warmth of it comforting her a little bit.

Miss Pepper looked a bit surprised before she smiled, "Anytime sweetheart and I'd really like it if you called me Pepper."

Alyssa thought over it for a while, "Okay, I can do that. " She nodded happily.

"Hey! That's not fair. " Tony exclaimed playfully.

Alyssa grinned at Tony before turning back towards Pepper, " I'm going to go wash my hands now, excuse me."

If she had stayed a bit longer she would have seen Pepper turn to Tony with an amused smile and ask, "Did you teach her that? The curtsy and stuff? "

To which Tony shrugged, "Nah, that's just Alyssa."

She would have also seen the thoughtful look on Pepper's face but as she was too busy washing her hands, she didn't see any of that.

When Alyssa returned, the adults were already sitting around the table, discussing things like lawyers and stuff. She climbed into her chair next to Tony and listened to them carefully even if she didn't get some of the things they were talking about.

The food tasted as great as always, Mista Bruce was a really good cook even better than Aunt Petunia or the lady from the street over who always had yummy food at her parties. They talked about a lot of things, what kind of books Alyssa liked to read and how far along she was in her studies. It was nice

Then Mis-Pepper told her about the adoption process and how everything was going to work. They told her that she'd have to live with Pepper for at least six weeks before the adoption becomes legal, then they might have occasional visits from a social worker but that was about it. Alyssa thought over it for a while before tentatively asking if she could still go to the lab with Tony and study with Bruce, Please.

Her request seemed to stump all of them for a while then they hurriedly explained that not much had to change since Pepper was moving to the tower. She would have two rooms, one that she already had and one on Peppers floor and she'd have Peppers name as her guardian, that's it.

Alyssa took a breath of relief, she was glad she didn't have to leave even if she did like Pepper.

It wasn't long before it was her sleeping time, this time however Pepper joined the two men in tucking her in. Alyssa snuggled deep into the covers and looked up at the three people standing around her bed, two of which she already loved and one she was sure she could learn to love. She blew a kiss, smiling as Tony and Bruce caught it and placed it on their heart just like she had once told them. Pepper looked on with a curious but happy smile.

Alyssa was asleep within minutes, safely burrowed beneath the covers, her family surrounding her.