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orionsangel86 · 5 years

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You know when I first joined Twitter I had many reservations. I had always heard that Twitter fandom was pretty toxic and for that reason I tried to avoid it as long as possible. Eventually with Tumblr slowly dying I just went for it. I was... pretty damn naive when I joined up.

I have always said, over and over again, that my main reason for even being in fandom was to meet new people and make new friendships that would outlast Supernatural. At this point in time I feel I have accomplished this, though I am always open to making new friends. I like to think, that this being my primary reason for being here, it makes me a genuine person. I am not altogether that interested in popularity, getting the most followers, making my opinion the one everyone MUST believe in, and I never had much interest in “fighting” antis first hand. Sure I liked writing meta and would defend myself if I was attacked, but seeking out drama and forcing my opinion on others were never things that I cared about.

Twitter changed me. I said I was naive, and I was particularly naive to people seeking me out, being super nice to me, inviting me into lots of various fandom GCs and welcoming me with open arms. When people do that, you feel loved, you feel like you are a part of something, and very quickly it can become addictive. You very easily start feeling like those people are your friends, and you get protective of them. You support them, stand up for them, and turn a blind eye when their behaviour gives you pause.

The other thing you should know about me is that I am an empath. Sometimes this is a strength, and sometimes it is a weakness. I hate the idea of upsetting people, and I feel strongly towards those who are upset. I always try to see different points of view in a situation, and I am very consciencous of offending people - When I have offended others, I tend to dwell on it for a long time afterwards, wanting to make things right. But I also think that being empathic can make me prone to manipulation. Especially of the emotional kind. When that happens I can get defensive myself, when I suspect emotional manipulation I shut down very quickly, and I can get spiteful towards it. It’s a defense mechanism. I often regret my actions later. I feel like Twitter fandom has brought out some of my nastier qualities, but I feel that I need to explain where I think this has come from.

I was invited into a GC that in hindsight, was a bad place. It was supposedly a place created to vent about things that upset us, and to keep an eye on that “other” side of fandom - the bronlys. It was a secret place, you must never talk about this GC, I was told. This GC didn’t exist. I’m going to talk about this GC, and in doing so will probably get attacked, subtweeted, called out directly, called a liar, exposed for being this that and whatever, probably have my private DMs shared, and yeah... a whole bunch of shit probably. I’m altogether not prepared for any of that, but since I have that whole bunch blocked now, I’m hoping any shit they say about me will blow over. Anyone who truly knows me, knows I am not the person they make me out to be anyway.

When I first joined that GC the point was to call out hate towards the cast and the writers. To find tagged tweets and bullying and harassment and make sure that the wider fandom knew exactly who the problem people were. I believed in that process. I believed that we were doing good for the fandom in making newer fans aware of who needed to be avoided, as I had heard stories first hand of people who had come into fandom reached out to bigger fandom accounts and immediately been shut down and bullied just for saying they liked Castiel or shipped Dean and Cas. I was angry at those hateful people and wanted some kind of justice for them, so yeah, I joined in happily with the call outs.

But over the past year, things have changed. First, it was not just calling out bronlies, it was calling out extreme stans, who also tagged the writers in their hate. Sure, I wasn’t happy that anyone was tagging the writers in hate, so fuck those people. They can go to hell. I’ll support the calling out of those names too. Then, when people started turning on meta writers like me and taking the piss out of our meta, calling it bullshit and mocking us, it was hurtful, so when that GC rallied together to support me and my fellow meta writers and call out those assholes I was all for it. They were screencapping my meta and calling me deluded after all, why shouldn’t I defend myself and get my friends to help? People in fandom can be dicks when they want to be. But then again, so can we all.

Then it got weird. I think people in fandom started getting nervous about the final season announcement and how the show would end. Cas stans started getting extremely negative about his chances for survival. Destiel shippers started complaining about Destiel being queerbaiting and planning on going after the writers if it didn’t go canon. These were people who I was mutuals with, whose accounts I followed, and whose opinions, whilst they were kind of upsetting for me as a positive fan, were untagged personal opinions and not hate. Those people weren’t attacking positive fans, though sometimes discussions got heated, arguably it got heated on both sides. When the GC started going after those people I started feeling uncomfortable. But I kept quiet. This, I have come to realise, was a huge mistake.

Suddenly other fans were fighting against the GC people. They (we) were called “the fandom police” and “the bully squad” by so many others. I started noticing how other fans, fellow Destiel shippers, were blocking me and avoiding me for my associations with this group. I watched as the GC people started slagging off accounts that were my long time mutuals, my close friends, people I had met in real life and knew to be good people all because they had voiced a slightly negative opinion about the show. If you are relatively well known in Supernatural fandom, chances are this GC has slagged you off.

At the same time, I had watched how some of my friends within the GC “clique” had started changing, how their behaviour online was becoming aggressive and mean. How they were antagonistic and bullyish. My friends. People who I knew were good people before. The dog piling, the condescending tones, the entitled sense of righteousness, it all added up. I started trying to voice my concerns, both to people I was close to within the GC privately, and timidly within the GC itself - for which I was shut down. I started reconsidering my own behaviour online. Had I too acted like this? Had I also aggressively gone after people for simply voicing a negative opinion? Had I also shown myself to be exactly what this GC was supposed to be fighting against?

Some of the others privately admitted to feeling the same way. Some of us backed off and stopped associating with the main GC accounts. We kept our distance from them, some I know muted them. But none of us left the GC. I wish I had back then rather than letting it escalate further.

It had once again got worse from just going after people with negative opinions, now they were going after anyone who disagreed with their specific opinions. Either you agree with us, or you are an idiot. I couldn’t stomach it anymore. My friend, who was also in the GC, decided to query this new line of thinking because she disagreed with the “big opinion”. This is what kicked off all the drama. I’m not going to go into detail about it because otherwise it’ll get too obvious and personal and I want to keep this vague because whilst these people have hurt me and spread lies about me I actually don’t intend to call them out personally or reveal whose who in the group.

Just know this. By the time I eventually spoke up it was apparantly too late. My admittence of my discomfort was seen as a betrayal. There were private DMs in which I got defensive and snapped back whilst emotional about basically losing all my closest Twitter friends, and some messages I sent which I am not proud of. If they get out, fair enough. Judge me all you like. Just understand that I was extremely upset and confused how no one else apparantly saw the issues I was seeing; that this GC was indeed bullying and policing fandom, and that these people were intimidating, threatening, and manipulating everyone into believing they were victims.

I tried to let it drop, I tried to ignore it. I wanted to keep quiet. But my quitting the GC, my request to those who were calmer and less inclined towards bad behaviour to at least keep the ones who were bullying fandom in line, didn’t stop them. Their behaviour has only escalated further and Twitter fandom right now is an awful place because of it. The bronlys must be laughing at us, because Destiel fandom has turned cannabalistic.

I spoke out recently. I tried to keep it vague in a tweet about the recent drama in general. But one thing I said gets pulled out separately and suddenly I’m the big bad wolf invalidating people and I’m a horrible person who is clearly fetishising destiel as I want them to fuck on the map table apparantly?!?! I mean, this is what these people do. They take something and blow it up. They twist your words, they basically throw a dictionary of large complex words at you claiming you are x,y,and z. they use terms like gaslighting and strawmanning aimed at you and in the confusion it takes you forever to actually realise that they are doing those things themselves. Constantly. To everyone.

Look I took it too far. I subtweeted too. I exhibited those bad behaviours as well. Hell, I learned from the best after all. I was in that GC for a year. Of course I am still trying to unlearn those behaviours. I am not proud of my behaviour on Twitter. After this post, I will try to do be better. Everyday. I will be better. I apologise to anyone I may have hurt by supporting and encouraging that behaviour.

I have had mutual friends tell me privately that I need to stop. What upsets me, is that those mutuals aren’t exactly telling the others to stop too. No. Those were the mutuals who stayed quiet whilst those particular people just constantly attacked and bullied everyone. So I’m sorry, but this is me not stopping, this is me making one last post on the topic. This is me telling my story as I see it. This is me pouring my heart out and getting it off my chest. This is my truth. I’m not spinning lies here, I’m not trying to twist anything, because I think I also come across quite badly. But the recent accusations against me, claiming I don’t care for anyone else in fandom, that my calling out “so called bullying” is just my personal vendetta against people who used to be my friends. Well, yes. Technically you’d be right there, they did used to be my friends, but no. Where you are wrong, is saying I don’t care. Because if I didn’t care about the bullying that I am STILL seeing on my timeline via upset mutuals reacting to the hurtful tweets of those I have blocked, I would just ignore it and not cause myself further drama. If I didn’t 100% believe those people were bullies, they’d still be my friends. I wouldn’t have called them out. Why would I put myself through all this if I didn’t 100% believe what I’ve been saying? That’s just madness.

Because here’s the thing, I HATE bullies. I have been bullied my whole fucking life, and what I hate MORE than that, was that through that GC I also became something that I hated. Because by associating with them for that year, I might as well have called myself a bully too. And that I just can’t forgive.

So my reason for writing this post is twofold.

1. Yes, it’s to defend the lies spread against me. So that those wondering if I am actually a fake bitch with a vendetta against certain people can make up their own minds. Perhaps this post exasperates that, or in your minds confirms their accusations about me. Maybe it does. I would argue that I am not fake. This isn’t fake. This is my personal truth and a very personal account of things that have greatly hurt me and caused me much internal conflict over the past few months. Those people who I am accusing (whose names I have left out to stupidly protect their privacy because believe it or not I’m not a bitch who encourages harassment against anyone even people I consider bullies) will never admit that their behaviour is wrong. They will continue to attempt to convince anyone who asks that I turned on them for no reason, or because I blindly follow my friend who they are also attacking and exposing right now for getting emotional and taking a DM convo too far. If you choose to believe them that is your right, clearly you and I were never close enough for you to trust my word over the words of people whose behaviour is clearly and proudly splashed all over their own social media accounts. Frankly, if you see all that, and still believe that behaviour is okay, you are no friend of mine.

2. It’s because I want people to know that actually, through all the pain and drama and emotion and loss of friendship, and conflict and struggle with my mental health, I do care. I care too damn much. If I didn’t I wouldn’t have spent an hour of my Sunday writing this out. Because this has been toiling and whirling inside me painfully for months and I am fed up of it. I had to write it down. I had to get it out of me. I want these people out of my life for good, but I can’t sit by and let bullies continue to manipulate my fandom, my mutuals, my friends who I see encouraged by their behaviour to imitate it. They are unfortunately very good at encouraging others to also partake in their behaviour. Please do not fall for it. Please consider your tone when tweeting or replying to someone with an opposing opinion. Please don’t feed bad behaviour by liking it and tweeting it just because you agree with the specific opinion buried within the condescension. Please don’t throw around strong accusations like homophobia against your fellow queer fans just because they have different desires from this dumb show that we all love.

If you can all do that for me, then I will promise to do it for you too.

I am terrified to post this post. I know that in doing so I am burning quite a few bridges. I know that those I accuse will do everything in their power to make out that I am insane, that I am a psycho. I know that I am exposing myself to more attacks, more harassment. I am sure there will be plenty of twitter threads dragging my name through the mud. They’ll dismiss all of this, call it bullshit, once again claim its just my personal vendetta against certain people. I guess I’m hoping that by anticipating all this and writing it down, it might give those people pause to just stop and leave me be. Stop the cycle of bad behaviour that has caused all this escalation and go back to enjoying the show without policing everyone else.

At this point I just want everyone to know the truth. Whether you believe it or not is your prerogative. This show ends in a few months time and I just want to enjoy it without seeing bullying in my timeline. That’s what this has always been about.

We must stand up to bullying. We must not let it ruin the final few months of this show. This post is my final word on the topic. I won’t respond to anything else. I won’t respond to any threats, any subtweets against me going forward. Hateful anons will be blocked. I won’t respond to anyone asking me for more info and I have no intention of naming people personally or giving more clues as to the GC or the people who were in it. So please don’t ask. Just keep an eye out for bad behaviour in fandom and if you see it, block or mute the source, only call it out if you know you have the mental capabilities to tackle the gaslighting. But absolutely do not support it. Do not feed the bullies as attention is what they want most of all, that and making their words the only words fandom follows.

I am done with this now. I won’t discuss this more.

#personal #fandom wank

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ashen-star-mage · 6 years

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My Favorite Fandoms and Why

I’m a huge nerd. Hopefully that’s clear for anyone who follows my blog or posts. So naturally I like a lot of fandoms, but there are a number that I really really like and some I’ve followed since childhood.

Pokemon

A fandom I’ve followed since childhood. I was part of the original Pokemon generation who were kids when the first games (red, blue and yellow) came out. I love how even in the beginning there was no end of things to do in Pokemon. Bored with your team? There’s 151 of them and more on the way. Then you could battle and min-max your team to your heart’s content, and way back in the day you could even gamble in Pokemon games. I love the art style of Pokemon and the beloved creatures that are way too easy to get attached to. It’s like to the point where when someone (I’m not naming names) KOs your favorite Pokemon and then it’s time for some serious payback. We’re talking Hyper Beam on a 10% health Pokemon payback. Modern games have given us even more to do in games. If battling isn’t your thing, you can breed them for cool moves and other things (and potentially become a twisted Pokemon eugenicist). You can hunt for oddly colored Pokemon (shinies), something I never had the patience for. You can participate in Pokemon contests, and bond with your team by feeding or petting them. Pokemon designs are really diverse too, from ‘normal’ animals to plants to the gods themselves. Gods that can be caught and battled by ten year olds for some reason. Also it needs saying that for some reason teenage boys (and perhaps girls too) detest Pokemon because it’s not cool. What’s cool for teenage boys? Skateboards and saying ‘radical’ all the time? Ninja Turtles reference by the way. I was definitely in the minority liking Pokemon in my teenage years, but when I got to college, suddenly it was cool again and everyone was allowed to like it just like when I was a kid. Pretty awesome right? I’m really hyped for Sword and Shield, just like I’ve been hyped for every new main series game.

Star Wars

Another fandom I’ve followed since childhood. While Pokemon took us to a land of wonderful creatures of all stripes, Star Wars takes us to that galaxy a long time a go and far far away where there are adventures, cool ships, and magic space wizards. In my opinion, Star Wars introduced the world to some of the coolest and most iconic ships. Like the wedge-shaped Star Destroyers that struck terror into all who saw them, or the Millennium Falcon, the fastest hunk of junk in the galaxy. And who could forget the characters. Definitely a diverse cast in terms of archetypes, Luke the naive and idealist farmboy, Leia the tough no-nonsense princess, Han Solo the lovable rogue, Darth Vader one of the most feared men in the Empire and an extremely iconic villain. The list goes on. Even if the galaxy is almost always at war, be it the clone wars, galactic civil war, or other conflicts, it was somewhere I always wanted to go some day. Meet the characters, try not to get force-choked, fly a ship through hyperspace. Star Wars may have started as three very well-done movies, but it has turned into an incredible multimedia franchise. The Legends series (formerly expanded universe) really fleshed out the galaxy and lore beyond what the movies did and so did the prequels. Say what you will, but they had some really good aspects to them. Then there are the games like my favorite of all time, Empire At War, game that would transport you into that galaxy far far away for a few hours at a time and let you blow up stormtroopers or rebel scum to your hearts content. Or clones or clankers (battle droids) if you prefer that. The fans have definitely done their part too, like the 501st Legion and Rebel Legion, two incredible professional-quality Star Wars costuming organizations (both of which I want to join some day). They really do their part to bring the galaxy to life.

Disney/Pixar

Ah, Disney, the company that has been entertaining us with beloved child-friendly characters and stories for many decades. A lot of generations can say they grew up with at least one Disney movie. I love how Disney movies appeal to people of all ages. They have characters both kids and adults adore and stories and even humor for both adults and children as well. Then there’s Kingdom Hearts, the massive Disney and Final Fantasy crossover that brings tons of Disney characters into one universe. Also Disneyland and Disney parks which bring the magic of Disney to life with animatronics, costumed actors, and various other things. Unless someone outright hates Disney or animated films, there’s bound to be something in the Disney canon for almost everyone. I have too many favorite Disney films to name, but some I’m particularly fond of are Mulan, Tangled, Wreck-It Ralph, Alice in Wonderland (my namesake). I’m definitely planning some Disney cosplays in the future, and now that Disney owns Star Wars, those characters could count too.

Fire Emblem

A tactical RPG with one of the world’s saltiest fanbases (at least in my opinion). I’ve described the series as chess-meets-Final-Fantasy to people who have never heard of it. Basically you have an army of very relatable characters who can talk to each other for combat bonuses and you have a bunch of enemies and undoubtably a giant evil dragon to fight. These games have been pegged as being rather difficult, considering weapons can break mid-battle, characters who die in battle never come back (until recent games), and experience points are limited (more in older games). Fire Emblem used to be such a niche series, only known to a few dedicated fans, but luckily Fire Emblem Awakening saved the series and made it really popular, to the point of being a mainstream series now. I only got into the series in high school, but I’ve been hooked ever since. The mix of strategy, RPG elements, and interesting characters and plots really was a winning combination. The character relations are deep, especially when there are 40+ playable characters per game. Each character can talk to around half a dozen others several times, revealing character backstory, personality, and interesting and sometimes funny interactions between them. I think Fire Emblem Awakening is one of my all-time favorites, and not just because it saved the series. It was a great standalone game. Some of my favorite characters are Lilina from Binding Blade, Nino from Blazing Sword (just Fire Emblem in the international release), Lissa, Chrom, Frederick, Robin, and Nowi from Awakening, Flora and Mozu from Fates. I even cosplay Mozu. I should honestly dust that cosplay off and wear it again. I love the character.

Hyperdimension Neptunia

Definitely still a rather niche series. It’s extremely meta and loves trampling on the fourth wall. This series is basically the video game console war (Wii vs Playstation 3 vs Xbox 360) with all the players (pun intended) personified as anime girls. It’s not just those systems either. Sega is a major player, as in main character major, and video game piracy is personified too. The characters are fantastic and their interactions are equal parts endearing and hilarious. There are way too many video game references and tidbits. Like how Vert (Xbox personification) complains about overheating just like a real Xbox 360. Or how the enemies you fight are based on classic video game enemies like the ghosts from Pac-Man or the space invaders. This franchise is rather unique for me in that I like almost every character. With Star Wars or Fire Emblem for example, there are definitely a fair number of characters I’m neutral towards, but both those franchises have way more characters than Neptunia. I think my favorite characters are Vert and Nepgear (personification of the Sega Game Gear).

RWBY

Say what you will about the animation style at first (believe me, I was turned off at first but then I came back years later to give it another try) but this series has some of the most epic fight sequences and choreography in any series I’ve seen. All the main characters have superpowers of varying sorts called semblances and throw in a bunch of cool weapons that are also guns and you’ve got a recipe for epic combat. It’s so tragic and sad that Monty Oum, the series creator passed away, since he was a real driving force behind the epic fight choreography. I normally don’t like series just because the fighting is good (I’m not into most shounen battle anime). There needs to be more than just epic fights. I like character-driven stories and RWBY provides quite the diverse and likable cast. The team dynamics (RWBY stands for the names of the four characters on team RWBY) make for very interesting character interactions.

Disgaea

Probably the most wonderfully absurd fandom on my list. Disgaea is about playing as the demons as they get into mischief and are forced to fight even worse demons and sometimes rogue human super-villains and angels too. Also did I mention the exploding peg-leg penguins called Prinnies who also talk like surfers for some reason? Because they do exist and they’re so great they even got a few games that star them as the main character... even though they’re supposed to be the fall guy and cheap slave labor of the Disgaea universe. The main characters, Laharl being a great example, are a departure from the ‘good guy’ protagonists of your typical RPG. He’s greedy, petty, and likes to brag about himself. Sure he’ll do the right thing after much prodding, but he really likes to play the role of the villain too. Aside from the absurd characters and plots, there’s the absurd game mechanics. Lv 99 look too low for you? Try Lv 9999 and then reset to lv 1 and grind back to Lv 9999 multiple times. Also stats reaching the millions and billions and damage several magnitudes beyond that with the right overpowered sword (which you can level up by going inside it).

Tales Series

A series that’s somewhat similar to Final Fantasy in terms of being a mostly fantasy RPG, but also with hack-and-slash team battle mechanics. It’s a series that I feel is terribly underrated and needs more love. Final Fantasy is great but I feel like Tales deserves more recognition. The series has a lot of great characters and heavily emphasizes character interactions and character development. A perfect example is Luke fon Fabre, a character whose spoiled, whiny, abrasive personality makes him hard to like, but due to certain events he becomes one of the most beloved protagonists in the series (and a personal favorite of mine). This series is known for playing archetypes and tropes straight (like the chosen one trope, or unshakable destiny) and then turning them on their heads and deconstructing them, only to reconstruct them, then deconstruct them again. The combat is fast-paced and exciting, and while I love turn-based combat as well, the Tales fights, especially boss battles are fantastic. I describe the series as Final Fantasy meets Super Smash Bros in terms of battle system. My favorite game in the series is Tales of the Abyss.

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