#it still feels unreal even now
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It's weird to think that future ZB1 stans might not understand why Zhang Hao P01 was a very shocking thing. Even when I talked to my sister, she couldn't fully grasped it.
I guess only people who followed Boys Planet through every episode could understand.
#like#THE Sung Hanbin#the one who always has 1 mil points gap from p02#it still feels unreal even now#sorry that i can't shut up about this yet#i live Hanbin too#really#it's just...#is it a dream#though I have a hunch that after debut song#Zhang hao might not get much killing part anymore#but for now let me revel in this moment#rei's random words#boys planet#zhang hao#zb1#zerobaseone#*i LOVE Hanbin too
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they don’t do fantasy cinematography like they used to, because i rewatched 'the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe' last night and it felt so beautiful and nostalgic ♡
#2000s fantasy films i love you#i don’t know enough about film to talk much about it but i like that cgi and vfx weren’t as advanced as they are now#like Narnia‚ LotR‚ even the early seasons of GoT just looked so much more beautiful and realistic to me ; ironically in a way that#is a bit unreal because it just has that ethereal factor idk ! personally i think it’s utilizing practical fx alongside a sprinkle of cgi…#but ahhh i don’t know how to explain — it just delivers fantasy while still maintaining a natural feel....#— 𝓭𝓮𝓵𝓲𝓬𝓪𝓽𝓮𝓼
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Sometimes I think of Amy Pond, who grew up being called mad by those who wielded the word as a tool of exclusion and shame —
Amy Pond, who though forced into the hands of four psychiatrists, still clung to that which they called madness until those systems which elevate psychosocial conformity above humanity stripped it from her —
Amy Pond, whose imaginary friend reappeared for a single hour after twelve years and reignited that faith before disappearing for two more years —
Amy Pond, who spent those those two years under the same implicit threat ingrained in her through psychiatric violence, and thus began to believe the man who stopped the invasion was “just a madman with a box,” only for him to agree, and to also call her “mad, impossible Amy Pond,” reframing madness as non-negative for the first time in her life —
Amy Pond, who ignored the disembodied voice of her imaginary friend even as she ran away with him for real, who still lived each day with the traumatic internalization of deviancy dictated upon her by the psychiatric-industrial complex that shaped her from childhood —
Amy Pond, who wouldn't acknowledge the Doctor's voice, such that it took an Angel in her eye that was literally killing her to ensure she couldn't reality check herself —
Amy Pond, who stood before a room which muttered about “the psychiatrists we brought her to,” and though afraid, escaped their rigid parameters of acceptable existence.
#I like seeing it as indicating she began hearing his voice when he was gone for all those years! why else wouldn't she say anything?#actually psychotic Amy agenda#Amy Pond#eleventh doctor#reclaimed language#oh look its another antipsychiatry themed doctor who post#sumn abt in Fairies At The Bottom Of The Garden audio AND Imaginary Enemies comic we see Amelia bein called slurs against psychotic people#(shes called psycho in both)#like!!! and SO MUCH OF AMYS STORY is about her claiming her agency in ways that previous companions weren't allowed to-#companions whose status as a Wife was a signifier of an to end of their value individually- 'this is no place for a married woman' etc#in some cases Wife-ness forced upon them *as* a denial of agency 'I spent all that time trying to find you I'm not going back now!' etc#whereas Amys story deconstructs that; Amys “Choice” is an illusion- Amy being a Wife doesn't demote her agency as an companion#anyways I love that aspect of reclaimed agency for Amy but ALSO#“madness” as an expression of agency against systems of oppression is SO relevant. the mind defends itself and the alternative isnt better#the oppressive system in this case being ableist structures and the psychiatric system ITSELF which is a whole other layer#the moral being that even if the Doctor WAS a delusion? he'd still be a needed coping mechanism for a child who says “ppl always leave”#and instead of examining her feelings of abandonment they insist 'aLiENs DoNt ExIsT' as seen in the 'sTaRs DoNt ExIsT' psychiatrist in TBB#they don't care that she's in PAIN- why would they?- they just care that she's 'abnormal' and therefore not deserving of humanity#(eleventh) doctor is neurodivergent tag#I mean technically this is about Amy but I once (twice) used that tag on the post about the Master. its the spirit of it!#and Amy Pond + her Raggedy Doctor as “mad” people is very *chefs kiss*#((you know what im putting the tag on my last Amy post :D ))#Mels experienced this very differently and I'll make a post about her at some point- I just wanna make sure my points are got across better#sumn abt Amelia's “crazy” was Mels' “delinquency.” Amy treated as if she doesn't know her own life while Mels treated as threatening#sumn abt adultification of Black girls while Amy is infantilized#Amy Pond who could rewrite reality in a reborn universe because she grew up with a Crack in her wall that no one believed was special —#ableism#saneism#unreality#because I mean Amy's stand against psychiatric dehumanization was to REWRITE THE UNIVERSE with her Crack powers
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all jokes aside, i am actually going to see taylor swift next week. for the first time in my life. whoa.
#and with! my!! friends!!!#i've been a fan for 15 years now this is not funny#and she's never been in my country before#i just know i'm going to fucking die right there at the stadium#i don't even know how i feel about this it still feels so unreal#please everyone manifest ivy/holy ground mashup for me#it's been a long time coming*
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pll was my entire adolescence i swear to god. like i grew up on that franchise it also was the original catalyst for turning my entire friend group gay
#pretty little liars#in typical kavya fashion it started with the books for me i didnt even know there was a show#and the show was my first tv show ever. i was mind blown by the concept#like 22 FORTY MINUTE EPISODES??? INTO SEVEN SEASONS??? THATS LIKE A HUNDRED MOVIES#there are only 16 books and they finished the first book in two episodes how does this work#like how is there so much content for this one thing. i didnt know it was possible#i had never watched a tv show before unless you count like. random cable tv episodes of like chhota bheem#cant believe im used to the concept of tv shows now they feel so unreal. how does one get back to being sated by movies after youve seen em#i still havent finished the show btw its insane to me. that franchise defined my teenage years#and was also both my and my best friend's first representation of lesbianism lmao it triggered so many gay crises
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Guess who’s also going to the Stockholm date now🥹💚
Looking forward to see some of you wonderful kääryle either there or in Berlin🤘💚
#it feels so unreal that I actually got both#I was so sure I wouldn't be able to get even just one#also I both hate and love that the german gigs opened presale yesterday since then I had some experience with what to expect#and also just less back and forth now#so today waiting for the stockholm gig I was way more calm#still very happy of course#I am gonna see the boy twice :D!!!#and even if it doesn't work out with the berlin show (I hope it does)#I have a hard time seeing my social worker banning me for participating in the stockholm one#given that it is a saturday#so in the worst case scenario (knock on wood that this is indeed the worst case scenario) I will still get one show :'D#käärijä eu tour#personal#me
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pain is so annoying. i'm trying to make this a funny relatable post with a creative metaphor but the pain is currently humming like a swarm of mosquitoes inside my eardrums and is louder than my ability to write. the worst part is that it's making me want to pound extra adderall with an energy drink so i can actually hear my own thoughts and focus on something other than the incessant sucking drainage but that is called """being an addict""" so i'm probably gonna lay down and try to go to sleep instead even though i'm not very tired, which is called """depression,""" and then i'm gonna be too distracted by the nervous system's air raid sirens to fall asleep so i'll lay awake looping through the same miserable thought spirals for hours, which is called """anxiety.""" dumbest fucking use of metabolic energy possible i fucking Swear-
#negative#if i could take 500mg of adderall a day all my problems would be solved forever <-things that are not even remotely true#ugh i feel so bad right now it's unreal.#the good news is i don't Constantly feel like this anymore i'm just having a bad night. the bad news is I Still Wish I Was Dead#autoimmune tag
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my aunt is going down a crazy religious route and now she thinks me and my family should move out of gotham because, according to her, it is "full of demons and evil" and she even thinks that batman is a vampire
#she's always been a bit strange#but now she's getting more extreme every day#i get that she's genuinely worried about us#but i still laughed in her face when she said it#i couldn't help myself#don't even really feel bad#it was really funny#only in gotham#just gotham city things#maybe batman really is a vampire tho#it kind of makes sense#unreality
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"I didn't really raise either of you in a gendered way" When I was like 10 or 11 maybe 12 but definitely not 13 yet, one day you asked me if I wanted to try on the wedding dress you married my dad in. I liked playing dress up and I liked hanging out with you, so I said yes. We're in the living room that you would (already have?) marry my stepdad in. You button up the back of the dress, I don't know why this becomes a core memory. You married my stepdad in a sundress, very casual, very small "event", only the barest of minimum people required to officiate and witness the wedding were there. You tell me, "Maybe one day, when you get married, you can wear this dress. Oh, but you don't have to if you don't want to! But, do you want it?" I still have the dress. I'm a man. And I don't think I'll ever marry. "You can get rid of it, you won't hurt my feelings." I can't.
#i literally like. have such a chip in my shoulder about marriage it's unreal.#it's like. i don't even have the extreme fundamentalist excuse. everything was presented as a 'choice' or a 'suggestion'#but like. somehow. i still extrapolated Something from that. what you expect from me. what you want for me.#and as i got older. it became increasingly clear that i would never be able to. be anywhere close to that.#i don't know. i don't know why i'm just. going through it rn.#i don't know if it's cause i haven't seen her in a long time. fucked up but i think it's been a year if not longer.#she hasn't seen my piercings yet. that's how long it's been.#and like. i had such an intense one sided rivalry like. posturing myself as the better son bc#i'm the one who stayed when i had every fucking reason to leave. and. comparitively.#he has valid emotional reasons but i'm the faggot. i'm the tranny. you are and always have been the golden boy.#and you have NEVER lived up to it. and there are reasons. but you still get more humanity than i ever will.#even though objectively like you just fucked up. so much. so badly. at every turn.#idk i need to stop talking about it. but like. ever since it finally seemed like he's getting divorced#from. like. like. okay fine while i'm at it. it would have been FINE if you just fucked off had a kid got married#like. i COULD accept that and be happy for you. if NOT for the fucking fact that you ended up in.#just. a horrible horrible relationship where the poor kids you brought into the world were not safe.#and you are not free from guilt either.#man i really just. i need to fuck off for real.#but he's been living w my mom w his kids. and you know what. i feel like i'm free from my duties.#mom is occuied w one of her kids and her grandkids now. i know they may be exposed to psychological damage#but physically. they are safe. and god. is it naive. to hope that make he can reconcile w her.#not as a responsibility but like. he needed it. badly.#not like i'm ever gonna get the reconciliation i need. not that i even want it.#like. as a person. i just don't like him.
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New dad lore unlocked, what the fuck do you mean your friend knew Luca di Montezemolo so you did a test drive with a Ferrari once
#begging my dad to stop being so much cooler than me#me: I get into f1#dad: Have I ever told you about that time I drove a Ferrari on Circuito di Fiorano#f1#formula 1#ferrari#luca di montezemolo#I guess#my dad if I ever became religious: Have I told you about that time I met God#me at 21: maybe vroom vroom cars can bring me out of depression#my dad at (almost) 60: oh yes minor anectodote I met the guy Niki Lauda won two championship with#I can't stress enough how this is so fucking unreal my family does not come even close to the kind of money LdM makes#We are NOT the kind of people who would casually hang with a millionaire#Also I genuinely believe my dad's friend must have been sketchy to know LdM#I also feel like I can never read my two eye anymore like even the tag of an ao3 fic with Luca di Montezemolo#'Luca di Montezemolo/Niki Lauda' you mean my dad's friend's friend?????????#now I feel like I have a weird distant relationship with this guy#like I know I don't know him and maybe it's my problem that I think of old formula 1 people like that#but I sort of divorce mentally from the fact that old formula 1 grid are actual people they're like distant characters from a complex#mythology#and now I feel like if I was a paesant in ancient Greece and my dad just told me he partied with Dionysius once#does it make sense#rip LdM I don't feel comfortable watching your pictures from the 70s thinking slay twink anymore#I will miss saying you have American Next Top Model hips#do you think it's ethically correct to objectify some twink from the 70s if your dad met him#I know he is still alive now and he's old and stuff I don't care there ard two Luce di Montezemolo in my head one is the one still alive#and I don't give a fuck about him the other is still photogtaph from the 70s and gives me gender envy
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#seriously seriously one of the most beautiful pieces of music i have ever heard#i feel so conflicted thinking about this but i was always afraid to get more into shinee because of jonghyun#i remember the exact day he died when i was in high school and i remember feeling slammed with the news even though he was just guy from...#...clue + note to me and as i have gotten more into kpop in the past few years i have been there for all of shinee's comebacks from don't...#...call me on and i always kept them at a distance bc even though i thought they seemed so cool i was worried to get into them and always...#...feel like someone was missing. and now that my little sister has gotten so into them i have too#and it does feel like someone is missing all of the time and we watch so much content of jonghyun together that sometimes it hits me all...#...over again how unreal and bad it is that he isn't in the world with us anymore#i am so sad too thinking about how i almost didn't hear some of the most beautiful music out of the fear of grieving him#one of the most beautiful voices and i click with his words so so much#like he's my friend and i almost never got to know him :( and that thought it so much worse than the worry of having to miss him :(#it also makes me sick bc if it would have changed anything for him at all. he's still making so many people happy. he's still there for me.#i don't get this emotional every time i listen to him but sometimes it all hits me#music#Spotify
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My boyfriend made me this massive playlist of songs that remind him of me and there is a category of songs on there that are clearly just songs he added that are related to when I am ranting/talking shit or angry or upset or being a hater and beating one of the three most deadest of horses in my life because I’ve never gotten over anything ever before and I stay losing the idgaf wars and I am so full of frustration and unfortunately he has to deal with my struggle to manage that sort of thing but also they are mixed in with the sweetest most kindest loving songs ever too so it’s hilarious to listen to
#I am so glad I have somebody in my life i can just breakdown or go insane in front of if I have to#and after some of these tweaking sessions I will be like ‘yep I have finally done it he thinks I’m insane now for sure’ and he still love me#The patience that man has is unreal#also I have never once been angry or mad towards him we have never even had an argument before so it’s not like these songs are because I#have never directed that energy towards him ever it’s mainly because I talk to him about the things/people/events I struggle with that#make me feel that way#just for clarification lol
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Internet archive I love you❤️❤️❤️
#my 14 year old self is crying tears of joy rn#I was able to recover videos of a yt channel that I used to follow as a teen but was closed by the owner from one day to the other#for *years* I thought I'd never see them again (aside very few scattered reuploads)#granted my interests changed and I was occupied with other things#but every once in a while I was wishing I could just watch at least my nr 1 favourite video of them just one more time#but NOW I found out that someone salvaged basically the entire channel and just - put the videos up for downloading?!#it feels so unreal because after all this time I can just watch them again? as often as I want?! and they're mine to keep forever?!! ahhhh#I'm getting unreasonably emotional over this but that channel genuinely meant a lot to me at the time#I still remember that I was on the school bus home when I discovered it was gone#and I swear if I hadn't been in a public setting I'd legit have cried over it. it certainly ruined an otherwise really nice day for me#granted my 14y/o self probably had a bit of a dumb sense of humour (harmless. but dumb. what do you expect from a 14y/o?)#(hence I'm also hesitant to mention the channel name bc I'm not sure if I'm ready to potentially embarrass myself)#but I still feel an odd fondness looking back because I know how much those videos meant to her <3#especially my one favourite video which 1. was the sole reason I discovered one of my favourite tv shows ever#and 2. was probably the spark that really ignited my initial interest in animation and digital arts#bc for the first time I consciously realised that you can actually do cool and fun stuff even as just one single person#and that you don't need an entire animation team to just - express yourself creatively and bring your ideas to life#like I'm not even joking when I say if it wasn't for that channel I might have ended up in an entirely different education/career path#anyway I'm happy. but I'll stop now. oh gods I'm abusing the tags again instead of just writing all that *into* the actual post#internet archive#personal#selnia talks
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Apologies for the bummer, too personal post, but just because I need to vent (if that's even the right word here) -
What is it about the death of immediate family members that feels so unreal? My stepfather died unexpectedly this weekend, and even though I have fully internalised that on an intellectual level, on an emotional level it hasn't hit me at all yet. Same happened when my grandma died, it felt like it took my heart months to actually catch up to what happened.
#admittedly i was very close to my grandma for most of my life#while my feelings towards my stepfather have been quite negative ever since I entered my teens#so i'm not even sure if there will ever be that sense of feelings catching up in this case#but there's still something unreal/unbalancing about someone who has been a presence in your life for most of it just not existing anymore#the only thing that does feel real is the effect his death has had on my sister and especially my mum#who now has to deal with the horrible yet banal bureaucratic practicalities that come with sorting out someone's death#since i live in a different country than my family the only horrible practicality that hit me so far is the unexpected cost of#buying plane tickets in the middle of summer#which is such a trivial unimportant thing in the grand scale of things but also not something that i can just not worry about at all#thankfully it's just a matter of me being a bit more mindful of my spending over the next month or so#and not a full-on 'i'll need to skip meals' type of situation#thank god for small mercies#personal#death#sorry for the ramble#just needed to get this off my chest#also apologies in advance if you'll see even more vampire posting/reblogging from me over the next few days#i wasn't kidding when i said iwtv is helping to keep me sane
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[wip]
i have been working on this ezioleo request for so longgggg,, im about halfway through coloring and then i can do some MINOR shading
#wip#tendebill art#im still tired as fuck#all day i think about going home and drawing#then i actually get home and im too tired to even start working on anything#idk why march feels so busy#not to mention this was supposed to be my only event-free weekend and now it turns out theres a family thingy on saturday#technically i dont have to attend but i know i should#is it too much to ask for enough time and energy to draw gay italians and also maybe my ocs for an entire day???#also public transit exhausts me#up to 2hrs on the bus/tram daily will do that to a mf i guess#and i just realized i havent touched my ps3 since feburary >:/#unreal#cruel even
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turns out that eating breakfast after taking the meds you should eat with food is a good idea
#i feel a lot better than i did yesterday#the weird jittery bit of the meds eased up quite a lot#im still not used to it but i think it's gonna help me a lot#i wasn't aware that this kind of. like... clarity? was normal??#i can actually focus on things now. i can sit totally still if i want to. my brain isn't impossibly loud.#idk!! i never thought id be able to get help for this and it's unreal that a tiny fucking pill just... makes my brain function better#we'll see how the next few weeks play out bc it might not be great for me over time and i might need to try out other meds#but idk. ritalin seems to be working decently well and im happy#wait holy fuck i just realized i might be able to actually clean my room now#i haven't been able to fully clean my room in YEARS#ive been able to clean sections of it or like. halfway tidy up most of it#but a full deep clean has been out of the picture for so long bc i can never focus hard enough or get enough motivation to continue#i might actually be able to now. fuck. this changes so much.#i know that probably doesn't seem like much but my room has gotten so out of hand and it causes me stress#i can't even let people INTO my room because its embarrassing and makes me feel horrible#maybe i can actually invite people over now
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