#it seems so stressful but I AM glad that it seems like they had contingency plans etc in place and it wasn’t all announced today

[terramythos]

System Collapse by Martha Wells Reading Notes

Full Review Here!

-ohhh fuck new murderbot explodes

Chapter 1

-I am glad to continue the "slightly out of order even in microcosm" style

-ok WHAT is it redacting. It sounds embarrassing.

-"I could have said a one liner but the ag bot scientifically couldn't understand me if I did so why bother" omg

-Another Sec Unit with somewhat heavy focus, which potentially tried to kill Murderbot, I'm sure this will be irrelevant and have no implications

-multiple uses of 'it/us'.

-God I love ART

-well I think one fun idea we could explore is there being rogue Sec Units completely separate from Murderbot (/Three, who Murderbot freed). It is theoretically possible others could have figured out what Murderbot did, or even other methods it didn't.

Chapter 2

-"fuck proprietary software" rant. So real bestie

-the slavery theme continues. Like obviously it's major to Murderbot as a character, but here the surviving colonists are framed as "salvage" to a corporation. So. Yeah looking forward to more of that.

-YEAH MAYBE ART'S PROTECTIVENESS BECOMING HAIR TRIGGER VIOLENT RESPONSES lS A BIT CONCERNING.

-it's giving Rimworld vibes

-yaaaay more neopronouns wooooo

Chapter 3

-ARGUCUSSION. Might steal that

-murderbot I'm beginning to seriously consider that the threat assessment module is just anxiety

-WHAT DO YOU MEAN REDACTED. HELLO?

-murderbot adding increasingly catastrophic hypothetical contingencies to worry about is far too relatable

-ART quantum as fuck

-what does redacted meeeeaaaan why does it keep happening what is going on that murderbot doesn't want the reader to knowwww

-ok there being such a heavy focus on ART and how unusual it is and how much it is capable of doing and being at once… in conjunction with the title… is a little. Hm!

-Ratthi my friend Ratthi

-"HUMANS CAN ALSO HAVE AUTISM ITS NOT JUST ME" ok go off mb

-was redacted a nervous breakdown or something?

-Ratthi getting defensive about Murderbot 💖

-"at least nobody had noticed" lists 3 of the 4 people as probably having noticed

Chapter 4

-"I don't know how to respond when humans say [be safe]. It was always my job to get hurt". :(

-ok why would a pre-CR ruin be actively powered. That's a little. Odd.

-i know this is just a reminder expository dump but I do still enjoy the concept of alien material just causing weird shit to happen to human biology and technology sometimes.

-MB precisely citing a historical reference is. Something. Did it suddenly gain an interest in this

redacted

-Tarik going from "random extra red shirt coded character" to "oh wait you have a backstory and thematic character foil shit going huh". 👌 the good shit

Chapter 5

-its been spelled "hanger" not "hangar" a couple times which feels like an error

-'murderbot, why are you like this' I mean

-oddly specific media similarity queries is oddly relatable

-murderbot low self confidence is :(

-framing its friends helping it in a difficult time as covering for its mistakes sure is a way to look at things

-ok so I guess murderbot is having like. Ptsd related stress nightmares? Hence the redacted ("inaccurate") memory? Murderbot doesn't dream like a human as far as we know so it wouldn't be a shock that everyone is confused about it.

-I guess there could be another explanation but

-yeah the story describes it as a "flashback" which is a ptsd thing. But I guess then I'm surprised murderbot hasn't had something similar happen before considering some of the things that have happened in the series. I guess it isn't nearly predictable in humans irl either, but still.

-poor murderbot

-ok so when it said "I froze" it meant that literally in like a computer sense

-"I guess machine intelligences of that era were too polite to say 'that sounds fake but okay'" LMAO

-the pre CR system seems interesting and I like the framing of their convo in an extremely basic programming language (if that's the right term for it)

-telling that it doesn't have a word for 'client'

-and how did BE get there so fast…

Chapter 6

-not Tarik sitting like me

-GOD why did "explaining the existential horror of the governor module in LanguageBasic" make me laugh so hard

-so I'm pretty sure the implication is one of the main humans sold them out to BE, which is how they knew where to look for the separatists. Though since ART speculates they got there early, I guess the main colonists could have as well, but that doesn't explain the BE SecUnit trying to (presumably) hurt Murderbot.

-on that subject, that SecUnit might have (1) immediately identified Murderbot as an altered SecUnit and (2) that's the reason it attacked the ag-bot how it did, either to test the theory or because it knew MB would be okay. But that also doesn't explain how it would have avoided the automated report to its governor module.

-AdaCol2 being horrified about a governor module even existing:(

-OMG AdaCol2 having its own extensive media storage. That's so cute omg.

-so to this point in the series MB hasn't been characterized as "part human" despite being partially made of human material. It's always considered itself more of a bot with mostly inconvenient human neural tissue. And now that human neural tissue is causing worse problems than it has before (PTSD/flashbacks).

-SO when ART here says "the part of you that is human" that's significant. It makes me wonder if MB is going to be reframed as "part human" in a way the series has avoided so far… or if ART is genuinely just wrong about that.

-but MB's resistance to even being treated as a human indicates SOMETHING there… compared to its acceptance of being repaired and healed while framed as a bot-- and its fixation with being 'broken' like a machine when that's not really the problem.

-just. Very interesting to think about.

-MB did mention just before this scene that human neural tissue is essential to understanding visual media like TV shows. And we know how important that is to MB. So I also wonder if that is a factor in characterizing MB as "part human" (maybe even retroactively).

-OK the little cut in with Mensah saying "you just don't want to talk about [whats wrong with you]" supports the entirety of the above. So.

-& leaning heavily into the theming outside that… and Considering the title…

-oh Ratthi & Tarik having Something Going On recontextualizes some earlier scenes

Chapter 7

-ok this is the second hint that someone is leaking info to BE. And like the OBVIOUS candidate would be Tarik. But I kind of hope it isn't, if thats where we're going.

-'would it have been kinder to kill you, before you disabled your governor module?' 'yes.' What a fucking gut punch. Jesus. The whole exchange.

-Murderbot is not okay :(((

-inspiring change through the power of media! Yaaaaay

-I like the implication that MB used Sanctuary Moon to kinda.. rewire its brain after the governor module. To heal, I guess. Like that's pretty obvious if you think about it, but I like seeing it acknowledged directly.

-what a cool way to potentially solve the main conflict. It's so character appropriate. I really like this

Chapter 8

-"die trying. It's not the worst thing that could happen." AAAAAAAAA

-ratthi my friend ratthi

-i like the bit about media analysis and applying that to your own craft. Relatable

-last minute group project energy

Chapter 9

-'the documentary explained the reality of the situation. I think that's the opposite of a sales pitch.' LMAO

-he shot at Leonide? So… inner BE politics?

-there is something grimly funny to me about the shortening to "BE" for Barish Estranza for purely personal reasons 1 person maybe reading this will also understand.

-i think it's interesting that we mostly use terms like "forcible indenture" in place of just "slavery". It gets called slave labor, yes, but the corporate-whitewashing term being juxtaposed with the horrible reality of it is quite striking.

-more about ART being quantum. For lack of a better word as the narration hasn't used that term yet. But idk how else one would describe that

-i have a dreadful feeling Iris might get killed off but that would be one hell of a thing to drop this close to the end. She just gets a lot of characterization this book and there's a heavy emphasis on her importance to ART. and we already saw what ART was capable of just thinking MB got hurt or killed last book.

-sees 'Hostile!SecUnit' explicitly written in the text looks at Martha Wells I Know What You Are

-i know they're friends and that's like a predictable thing but I like how MB and ART have gradually changed to be more like each other

-i think AdaCol2 is just out of commission despite MB assuming it betrayed them. But ART had that comment about it being more sophisticated than it let on… but I don't think it would betray them based on the characterization so far, like its horror at the mere concept of a governor module and uploading the documentary for them.

-did we know SecUnit hands are metal

-Tarik being badass as a background detail

- YAY AdaCol2 back

-the idea of a human augmented to be the HubSystem is a little horrifying. And introduced in media res so like "don't think about it"

-ok a reasonable justification for not freeing the two SecUnits. Like it can't happen all the time. But it's still upsetting knowing what it's like to be one.

-BUT giving them the means to do so later like MB did with Three in Network Effect is nice. If ill advised as it realizes later lmao

Chapter 10

-if Leonide doesn't piece together that MB is rogue ill be shocked

-THE FREED SECUNIT HELPING THEM SCREAM CRYING

-ART drone is like. Drunk

-i kinda like the framing of the humans taking over to help SecUnit and ART

Chapter 11

-MB was worried about Ratthi :(

-'booped by the pathfinder' god why is that funny

Chapter 12 -oh no is Holism like. Another ART

-yeah, confirmed. Huh. So there's more than one semi omniscient space ship hanging around. It's not just Peri. I didn't even suspect that.

-yeah honey you DO need therapy.

The end!

Ok so. Thoughts. We kind of end in a similar place as Network Effect, with Murderbot deciding to leave the Preservation team to go with ART. This story feels like a character

development add on and I'm not sure if it was originally planned when Network Effect was written.

That's not really a criticism because we do learn interesting things. There's a heavier lean into ART and its functional existence. MB has a realistic response to the traumatic events of Network Effect and we have to deal with the fallout of it. Which I think is important instead of jumping to the next arc right away. We also get heavy characterization of 2 newer characters, Iris and Tarik. Tarik especially gets a lot of development. I legit can't remember if he was in Network Effect. But he's a human character foil to MB which I think is a good addition to the story. We have had multiple bot foils for MB so having a human one is good (Gurathin doesn't really count imo) Since as this book emphasizes, MB is kind of both.

My speculation on what we go to next? This book had a heavier emphasis on MB being partially human. That's always been true but not something MB likes to think about or identify with. And the trauma response to Network Effect is framed as a human part of MB. So how do we explore that in the future? I think back to how MB talking to Bharadwaj was integrated into Network Effect and how that explored its trauma and past. Now we have trauma and the present, and the implication that MB will get actual therapy, so will it be similar?

We can obviously examine a lot about the University. We got a taste that there's more to it right at the end with Holism's existence reveal. That's pretty major and there may be way more to it. All we know about the University really is ART and its humans. We could conceivably have non ART/Peri ship characters that are similar to it.

The big elephant in the room mentioned in this book is the ComfortUnit MB freed early in the series. What happened to it? And this book adds another SecUnit to that (2 technically but we only see one do something with its freedom). Will they come back into the story? And since they know how to free themselves will they spread that to other constructs? Will MB helping others on its journey have a knockdown effect throughout the Rim? That seems like the most likely solution to construct slavery, which is like the MAIN CONFLICT/problem of the series.

One thing MB has mentioned a few times is that some rogue Units do respond to sudden freedom with violence-- which is an understandable response, honestly. But that isn't something we have seen. MB just… kept doing its job for 4 years before the Preservation team discovered its secret in

the first book… and it's implied the one it freed in this book plans to do the same thing. Three wasn't violent either and is characterized as more… childlike, I guess? The ComfortUnit just fucking booked it the second it could. So we haven't seen violence happen with Three and the other Units MB directly freed but it's something that could be a conflict later on if suddenly a bunch start going rogue in that kind of ripple effect. There's the CombatUnit from book 4 that I vaguely recall had no interest in being freed and was incredibly violent. So who knows.

[sixcostumerefs]

Ok so I just mentioned this in tags and I know I’ve theorized it earlier in DMs this week to a few people who have messaged me about it, but I do actually feel like this was intentional as an all alt show or at the very least an all alt and Lexi show all week?

All of the shows for this week were announced last Tuesday, at the start of the week. They usually have the schedules for the upcoming week planned that weekend and finalized/posted on Tuesday.

That original schedule had two shows with quite a number of alts:

- the matinee, with all WE alts scheduled and no one announced for Cleves/Howard

- the evening show, with 4/6 alts on but Courtney and Lexi still scheduled

Bryony and Liv didn’t announce their dates until today but seem to have known since at least yesterday afternoon at the latest. Sophie is still in isolation so we knew that had to be a cover (either with one of the alts, with a returning emergency cover like Alicia, or by sending a tour member to the WE). It also seemed super intentional that the two roles the standbys have been consistently playing recently would be the ones that didn’t have any of the main alts scheduled but would still need to be covered (there was also a whole lot of other evidence that they scheduled the others intentionally so Bryony/Liv could cover those roles if needed but I’m not going to go into all of that for lengths sake)

Lexi had been on and off but has mostly been doing one show on every two show day and having one of the alts take over the other. She was backstage today during the show but didn’t go on and is scheduled for the evening show instead. With that in mind we can assume she at least wasn’t busy and that Six could have scheduled her to go on for the matinee instead of the evening show when seeing that 5/6 other alts would be on? That being said she normally does the evening show which there may be a reason for with her long commute time etc, but either way she was there and it seems like (from our perspective) they feasibly could have scheduled her.

Same thing with Courtney Bowman’s. As far as we know this was Courtney scheduled show off for the week, with her back for the evening show. Maybe she specifically asked for the matinee off, but again they may have intentionally scheduled her on for the evening instead of the matinee so they *could* have an all-alt show.

Lexi was backstage today during the show but didn’t go on. My bet is that she was effectively their standby: if Liv needed to go off she could go on, if any of the other alts needed to go off Liv could cover Aragon/Seymour and have Zara/Hana switch tracks mid-show. Obviously super stressful for them, but I’m guessing Six felt confident that that could be done since they’ve all been on doing their tracks so much recently + knowing Lucy they probably had a plan in advance in case this happened.

[adl-reborn]

I just realized I forgot to post this here...

Tales of Metroville: Thought Experiments

Aston hadn't slept in 3 days. He had been researching non-stop to discover the ailment from which his friend, Phoenix, was currently suffering. You see, they both were invited to dinner by the president. In theory they both were to be debriefed about current affairs and of any unusual goings on that the two most powerful known mutants on the planet might be needed for. Aston, however, had no need of it - his clairvoyance had alerted him both to the topics of discussion and of all such events including many not on the agenda. Meanwhile, the normally quite outgoing Phoenix barely ate and didn't speak at all, and when they both returned home he locked himself in the master bedroom to do who knows what.

If ever there was a good time for Aston's comprehensive ability to read peoples' minds, this would be a good one, but it isn't so simple with Phoenix. Try as he might, Aston could never do this with Phoenix. Even after years of trying, Aston could only ever manage to read vague emotional states, but that only told him the obvious. Distracted by this, so too was he unable to clearly see the path ahead. And so his research continued. Depression, Anxiety, MPD, and many others. He read through the DSM5 until he reached the chapter on autism.

At this point he paused as his sleep deprived mind called back to his childhood. His odd behavior as a preteen had prompted a visit to the psychiatrist - a visit which he left with a diagnosis of "Asperger's Syndrome". It was described as a milder form of Autism - one which could lie undetected in many. Needless to say he was familiar with it and had recognized much of himself deep within Phoenix's personality, but ultimately the DSM did not help beyond providing a starting point...

Luckily Aston did not need to look far to find his answers. Where official medical documentation failed actually autistic people filled the void, and crucially the true nature of a meltdown and a new concept - burnout, were introduced to him. Additionally, Aston found himself unable to read many of the individuals presenting their point - a correlation which Aston surmised was due to a radically different mind, but finding that out for sure wouldn't be easy...

The only way Aston knew to read minds of a type he had never read before was through a technique he dubbed a "mental fusion". It's theory of operation was similar in principle to what many Trekkies call a mind meld. This was a technique Aston had only ever done once - by accident, he did this to his father on the day he ran away - a fight had broken out between the two and they had inadvertently fused for but a few seconds. In that time they could feel each other's thoughts as one, and Aston gained a roadmap of the human mind, but Aston was overwhelmed by this and ran off into the forest. It was an ability he had sworn to never use again...but his friend was in danger and he knew it.

Slowly Aston opened the door - inside was Phoenix, sitting in the fetal position rocking to soothe his frayed nerves. He held his legs tight against his belly and did not speak to greet Aston. Where Phoenix once stood a timid child remained. As Aston approached Phoenix turned and looked apprehensively in his direction. Aston could see in Phoenix's eyes that his distress was great. As Aston sat down close to Phoenix he was apprehensive at first, but a calming touch from Aston soothed him enough to stay. They sat like this for a while - Aston holding an obviously distressed Phoenix, but he knew what he must do and that it would be uncomfortable.

Slowly Aston moved his right hand to Phoenix's right temple. Phoenix became agitated for a moment and started shaking his arms but Aston calmed him with the left. Once positioned, he waited for Phoenix to calm down and gently positioned his left hand. With his hands in position a faint blue glow began to appear, glowing brighter with every second. Phoenix let out a yell..."I'm sorry..." Said Aston. They both yelled in unison as their minds became one. In an instant they both found themselves unconscious

One hour later...

Aston awoke but not in reality. His fusion was more complete than he had anticipated - he surmised he must be in a shared dream as they both were extremely exhausted. Aston, being a proficient lucid dreamer realized this straight away, but he knew if he could recognize this that the dream is important in some way. In the distance he hears a cry.

It is Phoenix - crying out for help. Alone in the distance. In this dark void he can see nothing, and conjuring a flashlight nor a vehicle has no effect. He continues to run in the direction of the yelling but to no avail - Phoenix remains out of reach. Aston calls out to Phoenix but there was no response........

2 hours later

Aston awakens once again - this time in the house but in his bedroom. Objects are not in their designated places so here too this is a dream. Aston proceeds to navigate to Phoenix's room. He lies on the bed staring at the ceiling unresponsive. As Aston approaches Phoenix apparates into a standing position and then runs up to Aston crying to which they both share embraces...

2 hours later

The sound of screaming pierces in Aaron's ear once again waking him. Again he is in Phoenix's dream - the same one as the first time. Aston remembered well how he failed to handle this dream the last time so he tries a different tactic. He calms his mind and senses Phoenix's precise location. Though they can not see each other, Aston knows he and him are now together. Aston sits down next to Phoenix.

"It's alright...I am here to comfort you." Stated Aston. What was once a cry became a whimper, and the once dark void is now illuminated by a dim yellow radiance. "I am here for you Phoenix, no matter your darkest hour nor your worst fears." The yellow radiance grows in illumination from Phoenix's chest. The two mutants once again embrace one another, and the once dark void is now pierced by a blinding light. "Do you mean it?" Replied Phoenix. "I'll let the actions do the talking..." Aston returned...

2 hours later

"So you finally found it"

Aston awoke once again - this time in a peaceful garden surrounded by a lake with small gentle waves. A fog obscures any view beyond.

"Welcome to my world" stated Phoenix to the now slowly arousing Aston. "I never thought I would see you here, but I figured one day you might show up." "What...is this place?" replied Aston, "it seems peaceful, relaxing even."

"This is my comfort zone" replied Phoenix, "I come here to escape the demands of the world when they become too much to bear." "I couldn't come here for far too long - we were too busy saving the world." continued Phoenix, "I thought I had lost it forever - in its place I only found darkness."

"That was your first dream, and the third. What about the second?" Replied Aston. "The house is where we always go when we're done for the day." Phoenix stated, "I thought maybe I could relax there." "It didn't work out as I had hoped...but at least you were there." Phoenix continued, "If I had been alone in there I don't think it would have done anything. I was just laying there, worrying about all of the drone strikes, supervillains, contingencies, space nukes. You know, all that crazy stuff they brought up at the meeting."

"It's all so stressful you know! And, it's kind of hard to explain, but the lights...they felt blinding, and the klinking of so much silverware on porcelain didn't help either. It felt like I was expending every last drop of my being to not explode from all of the stress!" "I...had no idea." Replied Aston, "I was just sitting next to you. I already knew everything they had to say but since you had said nothing I didn't know what to expect! Even now after fusing I still struggle to comprehend the sheer depth of your thoughts. To be honest the buzz from the busted TV was starting to get on my nerves though...you don't think..."

"I know what you're going to say - I was diagnosed with ADHD, not Asperger's." quipped Phoenix. "Since when have I ever lied to anyone let alone you?" Replied Aston. "I just spent 72 hours straight tearing the internet apart to figure out why you locked yourself in a room. Not because I wanted to get back to saving the world - we both know it doesn't need saving right now. I did that because I knew you were deeply distressed...but I couldn't understand why until now." "This is not a place for argument." Aston continued, "This is a place to escape to when the going gets tough. Just as I can sort of read your thoughts now you should be able to read mine. Look, and see I am not wrong. All you need to do is look at me, focus, and visualize my mind inside yours."

Phoenix was skeptical, but did as asked. To his surprise it worked - all of the research Aston had done up until the point of fusion was laid plain to see. Every disorder in the DSM5. All of the documentaries, YouTube videos, and articles read. So too was Aston's past - all of the struggle he had to endure. He had a fake ID in high school - not so he could drink, but to rent an apartment of his own away from his father's prying eyes in Metroville - far from anywhere he would think to look. His Asperger's was plain to see - a similar but less intense mirror of Phoenix's own past.

As he came out of the vision Phoenix embraced Aston. "Thank you, Aston..." He finally said, "I think you saved me...from my own mind." "It's no sweat, that's what friends do am I right? Sometimes the heroes of the story need saving too." They both stood up, and the dream ended.

Aston awoke holding Phoenix in his embrace. So too did Phoenix not long after. Aston now could see some of Phoenix's thoughts, but Phoenix still remained an enigma - further refinement would be needed to fully understand his mind. "Did you sleep well?" Aston inquired? "Yes...or at least better than I have in the past few months." Replied Phoenix. "I'm glad...seems you needed it." Aston stated. "No kidding...I guess I needed to not feel completely alone for once." Said Phoenix, "Say...that technique you used to get inside my head...I thought you couldn't get inside my head." "That's what I thought too...until I figured out just how different your mind is wired compared to the norm." Replied Aston, "I took an educated guess that you were Autistic - that led me to find out that your brain is almost 100x more complicated than a normal human, and I daresay probably more complicated than mine." "Does that mean I have the same abilities you do then?" Phoenix inquired, now intrigued. "Maybe..." Replied Aston, "You want to find out?" "Sure, but I bought pizza the last time we trained so it's on you this time." Stated Phoenix. "Gladly!" Replied Aston, "I think this will be fun!"

[tayerroos]

Patchwork Tales: Book 1

A “9" roleplay compendium.  Read on AO3 Chapter: 11 [First] [Back] [You Are Here] [Next] Warnings for this chapter: Graphic Violence, Death, Suggestive Material

[prongsisabadger]

TWP Chapter 28

Wolffe and I spoke casually as we made our way towards the bridge. Not a lot had happened since I’d been gone, the Pack had mostly been assigned extractions, rescue missions and patrols among other things. The clone commander didn’t show his feelings on the lack of battlefront action, but then again, I was still his superior and it might have looked like he was complaining to some. He was glad I was back, I could tell that much. Wolffe might have looked like an emotionless steel blast wall, but the man was still a sentient, and sentients interacted with the Force. It was a quiet, tame feeling he allowed himself in the confines of his mind, but he would never allow it to show. Clone Commander Wolffe was many things, emotional was not one of them, even if he did feel things deeply in the privacy of his soul.

Like Obi-Wan, he felt safe because he was strong and reliable and fiercely loyal. But my Master at least allowed himself to show feelings to those he cared for and trusted the most. Wolffe was the kind of person that didn’t open up easily even to his closest friends, regardless of how deeply he felt about things. It was the kind of self control and discipline only extensive training and programming in a Kaminoan facility could grant. I was pretty sure Master Plo and I were the only ones that had an idea of how Wolffe felt about certain things, and it both felt like privilege and like I was intruding on something deeply personal. Those were things the Force told us about him, not things he had volunteered himself, so Master Plo and I had come to the silent agreement that we would not speak about them until he volunteered the information himself. It was both heartwarming and sad to have such a close, intimate look into a person such as him and not be able to share them because at the end of the day it would have been very intrusive.

That is how I knew it hadn’t been the 104th who had gifted me the vibroblade, it had been him. That is how I knew he was annoyed at the celebration the 212th wanted to throw for me. That is how I knew he liked my older armour best, because it didn’t have a wide, loud orange stripe. That is how I knew Art hadn’t been completely dishonest when he told me Wolffe was a little too protective of me.

And now, walking side by side, finally having a moment to ourselves in what seemed like years, I could feel how at ease he was. The Force around him flowed naturally, almost visible in how bright it felt, and yet, to the naked eye, he looked no different. His back straight and his pace leisurely, face relaxed as he spoke of his brothers’ shenanigans. He was so at peace, and for a moment there I didn’t realize that very peace was being reflected within me.

I was so lost in the feeling of the Force around him that I missed the question he asked me.

“Huh? I’m sorry, what was that?”

Wolffe cleared his throat and repeated the question, never taking his eyes off the corridor ahead.

“I was wondering about the new robes, Commander. They suit you.”

I looked down at myself. Right, the new robes. Last time he’d seen me I had been wearing a style that resembled Tusken robes. They had soon proved to be quite inefficient when I’d accidentally caught fire twice.

“Oh, right. I thought that since my armour represents who I fight for, who I fight with; then my robes should tell a story too. Where I came from, where I am, where I’m headed.” I answered truthfully.

“But, Commander, you don’t have the insignia of the Republic on your-” said Wolffe, confused for a second until his mind clicked. I could see the realization in his eyes. “Oh- don’t let anyone know that.” he added seriously, taking me by the arm and guiding me towards the wall for privacy. He looked in every direction before looking me dead in the eyes and saying the next words. “Some could call that treason, Commander.”

I smiled at him and put a hand on his bicep.

“You are not anyone, Wolffe. I trust you. You know I fight in this war because I have to, but I am not a soldier. I fight so that the Dark Side doesn’t win, I fight so that innocents don’t suffer, I fight because I can’t bear to see the Jedi commissioning an army of slaves and do nothing about it. I’m not blind, Wolffe, clones aren’t free, the war has hit you the hardest and until you are free to do your own will, the least I can do is keep you alive. This war cannot last forever.”

Wolffe was not one to show emotion, but I knew stoic when I saw it, and I had the Force. He wanted to disagree with me, he wanted to tell me he was a free man and that he fought because it was the right thing to do, but he knew that was not true. He wanted to tell me he was not a slave, he wanted to tell me that his brothers and him did not need protecting, that they did not need pity or saving, but he knew it wasn’t true.

He wanted to be angry, to contradict me, to defend the system, the very people that had created them, he wanted to say that without the war they would not exist. But existing to fulfil somebody else's purpose, to die for that cause that wasn’t his own, to know his life had no meaning of its own, that was not living. His eyes were conflicted, his soul tormented, his conscience raging because he wanted to fight, but he didn’t know how much of that will was his own.

In the end, all he could do was take a deep breath in to try and calm the storm raging inside of him and say:

“We will not betray your trust, Commander. I will not betray your trust.”

…

I had an entire week off with the Pack before our next deployment, and I spent every single moment of it catching up with the boys. After a disastrous night bar hopping in Coruscant, I promptly decided the Jedi had the right idea when they said alcohol was no good. One hangover was enough to last me a lifetime, thank you very much. I spent the day after napping on a cot while Art worked on my left shoulder blade, and only got up to sip on my water bottle -which Boost, Force bless him, refilled every time I emptied it- and to go to the refresher. At some point during noon, Twitch brough Art and I lunch from the mess hall and stayed to chat before going off to do some reading of his own. It was a very lazy day, and so were the ones that followed. Except for the evenings when Headfirst came to drag my ass to the training facility and made me do my lightsaber drills while he did his own thing. We would wrap up the day with a spar which, to be completely honest, wasn’t always a fair fight. Since I had the advantage of Jedi training, Headfirst had gotten into the habit of playing dirty. We had to agree on a new set of rules when he decided trying to get me angry with misogynistic comments was a perfectly good idea. He had a black eye for the next two days.

Once our week was over, briefings and preparations for our next mission to Khorm started. It was the first mission I would be in command of, Master Plo was being held up in Coruscant my Council duties and would not be coming with us. So the mission was technically in my hands -even if I did have Wolffe and Vero Zapal, our admiral. The situation in Khorm was unknown to us. Like in Orto Plutonia, the republic had lost contact with a clone division stationed there. The entire overview looked, at first glance, like a re-living of Orto Plutonia, since Khorm is also a frozen planet, but something felt terribly off to me. I told Wolffe and Zapal this, and that we would be going in to investigate with the utmost caution. Things never happened the same way twice, and I doubted the universe was going to go easy on me on my first command.

I was going to take every precaution and plan every last second of the mission, and prepare at least one contingency plan. I knew from experience that battles had a knack for throwing plans out the garbage shoot but it paid well to be prepared. Every maneuver, every flight route, every entrance, nook and cranny of the facility was taken into account; and every plan I made, I ran by both Wolffe and Admiral Zapal for their opinions.

It’s safe to say I didn’t really sleep well that week, not because of nightmares or resurfacing memories, but stress and anxiety does have a knack for making sleep restless. I meditated more during that week than I had before any battle I’d faught up until that point. I practiced mindfulness every morning as I woke up and tried my hardest to keep the Force as close to me as I could.

I tried to keep my appearance as neat and put together as I could, and tried to do the same to my quarters, but the amount of holomaps and  datapads on my desk were too many to keep in a neat pile. I didn’t want any aspect of my life to be neglected during that time, because neglect leads to darker places and I would not allow myself to be distracted in any way. Lives were at stake.

My friends helped in any way they could when they weren’t busy making their own preparations. Some sat with me during lunch, even when I was too busy reading to talk to them, others forced me to exercise or to take recreation breaks, others simply checked on me at night to make sure I wouldn’t stay up too late reading. It warmed my heart, even when I couldn’t tell them how thankful I was for taking care of me.

I also fell into the habit of performing my lightsaber drills every morning and every night. The funny feeling I had about the mission only grew as our departure date neared and something told me I needed to be ready. In any other situation, I would have considered the possibility that I was being paranoid, but we were at war against a very real enemy. It was only paranoia if they weren’t out to get you, and our enemy was.

It was almost time for lights out when Wolffe walked into the training facility. Only a section of it was lit up, the one that I was still using. I repeated form after form, one, two, ten, forty times until I was satisfied with it. I felt him approach me from the darkness, but I didn’t acknowledge him until he stood a few feet away from me, watching, waiting for me to stop. I didn’t.

“You should turn in for the night, Commander.” He said finally, never shifting his posture. Straight, solid, face and body language betraying nothing as he stood with his hands at his back.

“My forms aren’t as good as they should be, I’m staying for at least another 50 reps” I said, never stopping, my pace never dwindling. “Go to bed, Wolffe.”

He said nothing, but he also didn’t move. Wolffe just stood there, watching me move through the forms once, twice, three times. He wasn’t annoyed, I knew that much. He wasn’t pitying me either, he was simply there to make sure I didn’t work myself to exhaustion. He didn’t even feel resigned, it felt like he knew me well enough that he didn’t expect me to stop when he asked me to. He felt determined, like he knew the only way to get me to listen right then would be waiting for me to be done. There were times to insist and times to wait, he had known me long enough to identify each of those instances and react accordingly.

Wolffe knew I was nervous and doing my very best so that everything went smoothly. He knew the thing that stressed me out the most was the fact that his brothers’ lives, my friends’ lives might be in danger. He knew I would blame myself for each and every loss we suffered, and he knew this was my way of getting ready for that. Because we would lose men, we always did. But up until that point, I had never been the one in charge, I had never been responsible for the cones’ deaths, not really.

So Wolffe stood there, silent and strong and reassuring. Because he knew nothing he said would make me feel any less responsible, because he knew the best thing he could do was to be there for me.

[scaryscarecrows]

I Am Faded Through

AN: Title from Breaking Benjamin’s ‘Torn in Two’ which is basically Antoine’s theme song. He’s a pretty well-adjusted sort, but right now he’s tired and he’s stressed. Post Laughing Batman incident, Happy Timeline version.

* * *

Sam was a good patient. He stayed in bed-or sometimes the couch, so he could watch TV-and took his medicine when he was supposed to and was generally a cooperative boy.

The boss is...Mark’s dubbed him a Patient From Hell, but Frank’s a generous sort by nature and...it’s just...he could word it a little better, but...well...

Mark isn’t wrong.

Jason has attempted to get up about five times, succeeded twice, argued about the painkillers and lost, and is generally only alive because he’s a spiteful, stubborn bastard. Frank expects nothing less; anyone who builds an army to kill Batman has to be stubborn. Surviving an explosion of that magnitude? Yeah.

They’ve given him a babysitter, though, because he keeps trying to get up and track down Batman. Frank can’t blame him, he really can’t, but...Batman’s nowhere to be found, they’re handling it, and he about died.

Antoine’s on duty right now, and has been more often than not. That mess at the asylum dredged up some nasty memories. Frank gets it. He does. But the kid’s gonna be sorry if he sleeps in that chair again.

If he doesn’t move, Frank’s happy to go get Trent and make him move. It’s for his own good. But he’s going to try the nice route first. He knows what he’d rather have.

Jason’s asleep, one arm hanging off the bed and the other flung over his face. He’s breathing easy enough, with no signs of nightmares (he’s ripped some stitches once already), but he’s half-squirmed out of his blankets. Frank sighs, remembers when Sam was little and would, somehow, manage to kick his blankets halfway across the room, fling a leg off the mattress, and still wake up bouncy.

Kids.

He pulls the blankets down, settles Jason’s arms by his sides, and tucks him back in. There.

Frank had hoped, just a little, that Antoine would be awake. But no. Of course not. He’s young, he hasn’t suffered the horrors of an out back yet. He doesn’t know any better.

He sighs and shuffles closer to shake him awake. He feels bad about it, is the thing, and if he could, he’d happily turn around and leave. But it’s for the best; the shadows under his eyes are halfway to his damn jaw, he’s pale and sickish-looking, and Frank will bet money that he’ll get some nice cracks out of his joints when he gets up. So he crouches down, reaches over, and gives him a little shake.

“C’mon, Antoine. Wake up, bud.”

He does, sort of, jolting upright and leading with his right fist. Just like he did last time. And just like last time, it’s sloppy and wild and Frank easily tips to the side to avoid it.

“Hey,” he says gently. “Come on. Time for bed.”

“F-Frank…?”

“Yeah.” Now that he’s not running on fight-or-flight, it’s safe to ruffle his hair. “Time for bed.”

“But…”

“I’m gonna take over for you, okay? You need a night’s sleep in a bed, not a chair.”

Antoine blinks a few times before shaking his head and settling back into the chair with a sleepy, “Said I’d--”

“Nah-uh. Come on.” He stands up, knee cracking, and holds out his hand. “Let’s go.”

“Can’t.” This sorry, stubborn little… “M’good. Chair’s comfy.”

“Up we go.”

“Can’t.” This is new. Frank goes back down so they’re at eye level and waits. “I gotta stay here.”

“Somebody’s gotta stay here, bud,” Frank says gently. “I’m gonna take over for you so you can sleep and not wake up all hunched over.”

“I gotta stay here,” Antoine insists, voice low and borderline frantic. “I gotta stay here, this is my fault--”

Where’s Mark and his bag of sedatives when you need him?

“Hey-hey, knock that off.” Frank gives him a little shake. “This is Batman’s fault. And Scarecrow’s. And okay, maybe we shouldn’t have signed up to pick a fight with the Bat, but--”

“Uh-uh.” He straightens up, grimacing as he does so, and pokes at a bruise on his wrist. Frank resists the urge to make him stop it. “Something was up and I knew something was up and I didn’t--”

“Shh.” Now he does tug his fingers away from the bruise. “Stop that, and listen. There was nothing you-or anybody else-could’ve done to keep him from making questionable life choices. You hear? Nothing about this is your fault--”

“If I’d been paying attention--”

“We were in way over our heads--”

“The fucking Amazon all over again--”

And there it is. Frank’s been waiting, a little, for that to come up. Antoine doesn’t like to talk about it, says he’s over it, and most of the time that’s true. Just like most of the time Riley’s okay with cookouts. Just like most of the time Frank can drive at night.

Most of the time being the key phrase.

“No, it’s not,” he says carefully. “Everybody made it out, everybody’s fine, and that wasn’t your fault, either, you know that--”

Antoine laughs. Well. He makes a noise related to laughter, but it’s broken and very unsettling.

“Something wasn’t right,” he says, breathing still too fast and too shallow. “I knew something wasn’t right, but I didn’t want--I didn’t know how to--Jesus Christ--”

“Come here.” Frank leans up and over and tugs him into a...it’s meant as a hug, but Antoine’s ramrod straight and shaking. “Come here, come on...there we go. There we go. You’re fine. We’re all fine.”

Antoine resists the hug for all of five seconds before going limp and letting himself be rocked a bit. Hey, it doesn’t matter if you’re two or twenty, it works. There’s probably some sorta science behind it.

“Sh-sh-sh...you’re good, you’re good, I gotcha…”

“I’m sorry,” he chokes, and Frank tightens his grip. “I’m sorry, I just--I don’t know what got into me--”

“Stress and overtired. Don’t be sorry.”

“But--”

“Shh.” He pats his shoulder. “Just settle down now. Come on, deep breaths.”

Frank seriously considers going to get Mark and his bag of sedatives anyway; the shaking isn’t stopping and Antoine sounds like he’s about to start hyperventilating. But he manages to keep himself together, and when Frank moves to let go of him he doesn’t fall out of the chair or anything.

“You good?”

It’s obvious he’s not, but he shrugs and nods anyway.

“I’m good.”

Frank lets him have that, because what’s a man got if he doesn’t have his pride, and stands up--owwowow, old, getting old is awful, floors are your new enemy. Wow.

 “Don’t make me call Trent. I’ll take over, you need a decent night’s sleep.” Antoine’s quiet for a few minutes, but he does finally struggle upright. Good. “Go on.”

“You’re sure?”

“I’m not asking.”

“Okay.” He yawns and rubs at his jaw, visibly cringing at the stubble. “G’night…”

He stumbles off and Frank settles down in his place. He’s tired. It’s...it’s been a long few days. He’ll be glad, truth be told, when this is all over. He can fly blind. It’s not unheard of, to fly blind. But he’s never liked having to. That’s what contingency plans are for.

Jason sighs, squirms a little bit before going still again, and Frank pulls out his tablet to check the drones’ settings and make sure nobody’s malfunctioning. They don’t seem to be, but they’re not picking anything up, and...well...he’s not sure, nobody is, how much of Batman is still there. Does he know how to use all his gadgets? Who knows. Not them. Frank’s hoping no, but Jimmy’s rightfully paranoid and he’s been updating the programming as much as he can, under the circumstances.

What was that--nothing. Absolutely nothing. Frank sort of wishes it was something. Not knowing is awful.

Maybe Batman’s dead. That would be perfectly fine. Preferable, even. But he doubts that. They should be so lucky.

Scans are blank. Scans are always blank. Scans, searches...he’s nowhere. It’s infuriating.

Never mind. They’ll find him. He has to be at least injured, right? Surely.

Out of nowhere, Frank has the horrible idea of a squad hefting up a piece of rubble and letting him out of whatever hidey-hole he’d gotten stuck in. Maybe...just...nope, nothing there either.

Where are you, you son of a bitch?

Zilch. He sets the tablet aside and looks up at the ceiling, eyes tired, and pops his neck. They’ll find him eventually, Frank’s positive.

He just hopes it’s not when he pops out of a grate to slaughter them all.

THE END

[braincoins]

“Come on, it’ll be fun.”

“I don’t know...”

“Please?”

“Okay, but... in costume? You’re sure?”

“Trust me.”

Technically, Lance was here to cover it for the site. 

I love my job so much.

He was getting paid to attend the first Starlight Con, where the geeks of the city could pay honor and homage to their superhero. And he had a press pass to get him into basically any and every event he could want to attend! 

Cosplayers were everywhere, most as Starlight, but he caught a few Paladins wandering around. The dealer’s room was packed with superhero-related RPGs, CCGs, video games, and comics. 

Lance spent a good chunk of time in the artist’s alley, which was full to bursting with fanartists, fanfic writers, and a slew of fancomics. These were the hardcore fans (aside from the cosplayers), and he interviewed a few (and let them promo their stuff in return).

“Starlight does so much for this city, and she really captures the imagination!”

“I think it’s important for my daughters to see a strong black woman hero. She’s their idol - and mine, too.”

“I just think she’s super hot.” Because of course the fanboy contingent was out in spades. Lance drummed up some controversy asking their opinions on Paladin, and there was almost a literal fistfight between two fans when one said he thought Paladin and Starlight should hook up and the other said that Starlight didn’t need a man. Convention Center security was right on that, thankfully. Lance quietly decided not to publish the video he got of the fight; it’d just be embarrassing for them both, and “nerds fight over their opinions” wasn’t exactly newsworthy.

He was taking a lunch break when he saw two people stroll in wearing the best costumes he’d seen yet. They were Starlight and Paladin, of course, and they were almost immediately thronged by con-goers eager for pictures. 

The Starlight cosplayer seemed a little anxious, but her partner whispered something in her ear, then grinned and posed for the cameras. She copied him somewhat uncertainly and everyone snapped away and thanked them. Huh, first time cosplaying, maybe? Well, hers, for sure. He snapped a couple pics as they walked by and went back to eating his overpriced hot dog. Lunchtime was sacred. Hopefully he could catch up with them later.

There was a panel starting at 1 PM about the need for superheroes in this day and age. Lance got there early for some good crowd shots, recorded the whole thing, and got some interviews with the panelists afterwards. There was a police representative who gave the standard “vigilante” line, of course. One of the panelists said she was a cop but stressed that her opinions were her own and not representative of the city PD before saying that she loved Starlight and was glad she was out there, but that she didn’t want normal civilians trying to do what Starlight - and this new one, Paladin - were out there doing. “They’re... unique. Let them do the dangerous stuff. There are so many other ways of being a hero: adopting a pet from the shelter, or adopting a child from foster care! Donating time and money to a soup kitchen or homeless shelter. Taking a moment out of your day to do something nice for someone else.” Lance got every word she said... but didn’t get her number sadly. Oh well; can’t blame a guy for trying.

Coming out of the panel, he ran into the super-good cosplayers again, but they were thronged by other cosplayers asking about how they made their outfits. “Starlight” was uncomfortable with all the attention and questions; “Paladin” seemed to be enjoying himself, saying it was a “trade secret” and he could tell them but then he’d have to kill them and making everyone laugh. Lance let them be for now.

He prowled around the dealer’s room some more. There were some modern day snake oil salesmen here, of course, claiming that their smoothies or drink powders or “super foods” would make you healthy and strong just like Starlight! Lance tucked his press ID into his shirt; they’d pounce on him if they saw a chance for free advertising. He did take free samples though; most of them tasted kind of chemical-y, but there was some sort of granola crunchie thing that was actually pretty good. Might not make me a superhero, but at least it doesn’t taste like cardboard dipped in paint thinner. 

The con organizers seemed to have segregated the wackos into one area. Most of them were obvious nutjobs, but there was one, run by what looked like a high school girl, that made a pretty compelling case for Starlight being an extra-terrestrial. “It explains her gadgets!” the girl declared. “Super advanced tech, like nothing anyone’s ever seen!” She leaned close to Lance to confide, “And I think her ears are actually pointed. I mean, what point in making them look like that otherwise? It’s not like pointed ears are a necessary part of a ‘starlight’ themed aesthetic, y’know?”

“You think Starlight’s a space elf?” he asked skeptically.

She frowned as she straightened up and folded her arms. “That’s reductive. I think she’s an alien who happens to have pointed ears. ‘Space elf’ is just silly.”

“Oh, sorry, of course. Thanks for the food for thought, though.” But, it was a good point: why did Starlight want her ears to look like they were pointed?

Most people weren’t interested in looking too deep into the gift horse’s mouth. They were just happy Starlight existed and was willing to help out. There was another panel at 3 of people who had been saved by Starlight. Lance had to run and it took a flash of his press pass to get in since they’d just closed the doors.

Heh, I wonder if Shiro’ll be here. Everyone at the paper knew that Shiro’d been saved by Starlight hundreds of times, probably. He was probably her #1 Most Rescued or something.

But, alas, no sign of his colleague. Some of the “panelists” were mundane - “Starlight helped me carry my groceries” - but there were some more exciting ones. One guy had been part of a small crowd evacuated from a Planned Parenthood when a wackjob had threatened to blow it up.

“I tripped and fell and I could feel my ankle give. Probably wasn’t broken, I thought - and I was right, as it turned out - but I didn’t think I was going to hobble out of there in time. But then Starlight showed up, picked me up, and ran out of the building.

“You all probably know the rest of the story: the bomb did blow, but it didn’t have enough force to do more than knock out some windows. Made a mess of the waiting room, though. And that was where I tripped. It might have killed me, or at least injured me a lot more.”

A woman saved from her abusive partner. A group of kids who’d not only been saved in the moment from a drive-by shooting but who had thereafter dedicated themselves to making their neighborhood safer, following Starlight’s example. A teenager who said he’d never met Starlight or seen her in person, but that following her crime-fighting career gave him a reason to keep going every day despite the bullying he endured for being trans. “She’s black, like me. When she’s not wearing the mask, I bet she has to put up with bullshit all the time. But she doesn’t let it beat her down. She keeps going out there and saving people. Knowing she’s out there lets me know the world’s not as bad a place as it seems sometimes.”

Lance interviewed every single one of them afterwards, even the little old lady with the groceries. No task too small for our hero, he thought with a satisfied smile.

He was about to leave for the day - the con went all weekend, and he wanted to file the report soon so maybe more people would come tomorrow - when he came across the couple with the awesome costumes again. Last chance! He called out, “Hey, Starlight! Paladin!” and jogged up to them.

They turned towards him; Paladin smiled widely but Starlight just groaned, “Oh my god.”

“Fantastic costumes! Can I get a picture? I work for the online version of The Daily World, and you’d be a great cover image for the story!”

“Anything for one of the citizens of our fair city,” Paladin said in a deep voice. I love it when they’re in character, Lance thought. 

“This is too much,” Starlight protested, doing a spot on impression of that weird, British-y accent of hers. “In the paper? Are you kidding me?”

“Really, you’re a knockout, both of you!” Lance assured her. “Best costumes I’ve seen!”

“It’s important to have only the very best equipment when you’re fighting crime,” Paladin agreed.

“You’re loving this,” she accused him.

“I absolutely am,” he replied with a wide grin. “Come on, Starlight. It’s for the paper.”

She sighed. “Oh, very well. I suppose it will look nice.”

“You gotta pose,” he told her, striking his own ‘Valiant Defender of the City’ pose in demonstration.

“Oh, this is ridiculous.” But she did her own pose anyway.

Lance snapped a few pics. “Perfect! Fantastic! I swear if I didn’t know better, I’d think you two were really them!”

Paladin started laughing, but then Starlight grabbed his arm. “Okay, that’s it, we’re leaving.”

“Aww! We’ve only been here a few hours!”

“That’s more than enough. Besides, if we’re too tired, we won’t be having any fun tonight.”

“Fun or fun?” he asked her.

“Either.”

“Okay, we’re leaving.” He waved at Lance. “Take care, citizen!”

“You too!” Lance said with a laugh as Starlight hauled him towards the exit. He checked his photos of them, which were all excellent, of course, chuckled, and headed out as well. He had a story to write.

{The Adventures of Starlight & Paladin}

[dragon-moms]

Entry 202 - Merry

Dear Diary,

Today was a good day!

We had to get up early to be there for Baroness, you know? Because they were sealing her phylactery away.

“I do hope my mother is right about this,” Myrmidon said, looking worried as they ate breakfast.

“She’s existed for millenia,” Dagger said. “Even if she’s making a mistake, and gets destroyed, she’s had a good run.”

“I am unsure if it is appropriate to talk about our mother that way,” Myrmidon said.

“I don’t really care, though,” Dagger said.

“I understand your point, Dagger, but I think we’d all rather she stick around for a while,” Philly said.

“Yeah! And she’s smart, you know? I’m sure this is the right thing to do,” I said.

“She knows magic, but she’s never known how to handle stuff like this,” Dagger said, and then sighed. “But I guess I’d rather her stick around a little longer, at least, too, so whatever…”

“It will be nice to go home after this,” Myrmidon said. “I am glad we waited, but I am filled with nervous energy on getting back to our place. I am sure there is much work to be done.”

“Yeah, I wonder what state my kitchen is in, you know?” I said. “And I bet I’m going to have to make all new bread starters, after being gone so long… they might have gotten, like, ruined or something…”

“Never fear, my sweetest, I shall get to work immediately building you quite the kitchen and oven when we return,” Myrmidon said, smiling.

“What? Why? Mine is fine,” I said. “At least, it should be.”

Myrmidon took a moment. “Ah, I… had assumed at this point you would be moving into my mother’s place with me.”

That caught me by surprise, Diary! “I am?”

“Well, it seems difficult for us to raise a child together if we are living apart, does it not?” Myrmidon said. “And I need to be close to my mother due to my duties… it also seems easier to expand our place than yours, as it was designed with future expansions in mind.”

“Well, that makes sense…” I said. “We’re all a family, we should be, like, in one place, right? But I like my little place…”

“We can see once we get back,” Philly said. “There’s no rush on this stuff any more.”

I smiled. “You’re right, there’s not!” Then I gasped. “Oh! Now that you don’t have to be a secret, we’ll have to build you a chamber!” I said.

Philly chuckled. “I was fine sleeping on the table…”

“There’s a lot to do,” I said.

“We shall get it all done, I have no doubt,” Myrmidon said.

Soon, we’d all gathered in a place far down in the Peak, the entrance to the Hoard of Antiquity. We found Maude waiting for us there.

“Hello!” I said, waving. “What are you doing here? I, like, didn’t think you liked Baroness that much.”

“Hi,” Maude said, smiling. “I’ll just be honest, I’ve never seen a lich’s phylactery before. I wanted to look at the enchantment. And I doubt Glory is going to tell me to leave.” She rummaged in her bag. “Also, I have some more parchment for you all.”

“I’ve spent the last two days signing things… aren’t we done yet?” Philly asked.

“Almost,” she said. “Turns out there’s a lot of things that go into giving up an entire territory.”

“It’s not even mine,” Philly grumbled.

“Hey, I want to be done too, and get back to the archives full time,” Maude said. “This part-time aide stuff is exhausting.”

Philly spent some time signing things while we waited for everyone to get here.

As she did, Maude chuckled. “I can’t get over the enchantment on that crown. I doubt I could design something so efficient for my own element. It doesn’t tire you out?”

“Not enough for me to worry about it?” Philly said, also still humming, somehow, her magical glowing claws holding the parchment while she signed it. “I just wish it was on something else.”

“It suits you,” Maude said.

Philly made a displeased noise, and handed Maude the parchment back. “There, I’m done.”

“One more thing,” Maude said, and handed her a piece of parchment.

“This doesn’t look like…” she started, looking at it.

“It’s your proof of citizenship,” Maude said. “Citizen number is right there. You’re official now.”

Philly just stared at it for a while, until I couldn’t stand it, and gave her a big hug.

“M-mom,” she said, chuckling.

“I’m sorry I’m just so happy!” I said. “I’m so glad you don’t have to hide anymore…”

“Maude finally get everything figured out?” Gloria walked up to us, with the Queen behind her.

“Yeah, I think I’m finally free of it, after I get all this turned in,” Maude said.

“Thank you for handling this issue for us,” the Queen said. “It was… we appreciate the hard work. Allowing us to trust you eased our mind on a difficult situation.”

“Of course, your highness… any time,” Maude said, embarrassed. “I’m just better at the research part than the rest of it…”

“Where is my mother, may I ask?” Myrmidon said.

“A team of adjudicators is clearing passages around her. They’re moving very slowly to be careful,” Gloria said. “Should be here soon, though.”

“Only Baroness, a contingent of guards, and I shall go inside to the vault,” the Queen said. “We hope this is acceptable. There were quite a lot of concerns about our safety during this, and this was the solution that was agreed to.”

“We understand,” I said. “We just want to be here for Baroness, you know?”

The Queen nodded.

Soon, some adjudicators appeared, and a bit after that, a very nervous-looking Baroness carrying a package wrapped in lots of cloth walked into view.

“...hello,” she said.

“Mother!” Myrmidon said, approaching Baroness.

“Look out!” an adjudicator shouted.

But it was too late. Myrmidon had already taken Baroness’ free claw in theirs. “I am so glad to see you well once more…”

The adjudicators seemed very confused and on edge. Gloria pulled them aside to try to explain.

“You should have told us you were doing this,” Dagger’s voice said. “But of course not, you just do whatever you want…”

“I am… sorry,” Baroness said. “But I had assumed we desired to get back to our place as soon as possible, after this ordeal… I did not want to delay further…”

“It is alright, as long as you are safe,” Myrmidon said.

“It’s good to see you outside of bars,” Philly said from my shoulder.

“Yes… thank you for coming,” she said. “Though I am capable of handling this transfer alone…”

“Is that your phylactery?” Maude asked.

“...yes,” Baroness said, holding it close. “As I promised.”

“Mind if I see it, before you seal it away?” she asked.

Baroness seemed nervous. “I… suppose that would be acceptable… but it is charged with the same energy as myself, so please do not come close…” She gently unwrapped the cloth.

“It’s a book!” I said, surprised. “I thought it would be, like, a magic something!”

“It is very powerfully enchanted,” Maude said, looking at it. “But I don’t recognize the title.”

“It is… of no importance,” Baroness said, averting her eyes.

“Surely you chose it for a reason, my lady?” Myrmidon said.

“It is… it is the research report of my University thesis…” she said, wrapping it back up. “But it is unimportant…”

“I’m sure that’s exactly why you used it,” Dagger said, eir voice full of sarcasm.

“If we may,” the Queen said. “Our time is unfortunately limited, and we are required to open the vault. So Baroness, if you would.”

“Yes, your highness,” Baroness said. “I should be back shortly,” she said to us.

With the adjudicators keeping Baroness far away from the Queen, they entered.

“Are you all heading back to Orin after this?” Gloria asked. “You could probably get back there tonight, if you flew hard.”

“I suppose there is little additional reason to delay,” Myrmidon said.

But that didn’t feel quite right to me, Diary. Like, I wanted to go. I wanted to try to get life back to a normal, you know? But Gloria wasn’t going to come back with us. And we’d all been so separated, so stressed, even after we got here to the Peak… it seemed bad to just leave, you know? After all we accomplished?

“Do you not think so, my sweetest?” Myrmidon asked.

“What?” I said.

“Gloria asked if we would like to bring a dinner with us for our flight. Do you not think that a good idea?”

“Oh, I’m sorry… I was distracted…” I said.

“What were you thinking about, Mom?” Philly asked.

“Just… well, I mean, we can’t just leave, right?” I said.

“Are we forgetting something, my sweetest?” Myrmidon asked.

“I just mean… Philly hatched, you know? And Gloria, you got married! And Baroness is free now… and… it just feels like we should celebrate, right?” I said. “Be all together and, you know, have a party, maybe…”

Gloria chuckled. “A lot of party-worthy things have happened, I suppose.”

“Yeah! Right? And if I was at home, I’d make a lot of food or something… but if I go home, some people probably can’t come, so we should probably do it here before we go, right?” I said.

“I am not sure if we are capable of throwing a party here, my sweetest,” Myrmidon said. “We are simply borrowing a small chamber from the Queen, after all.”

“Right…” I said. I looked to Gloria. “Should we just go then?”

Gloria ran her claw over her spines. “Well, I suppose we haven’t really celebrated our wedding yet,” she said. “Maybe the Queen and I could throw a little thing, for family and close friends, and we can double up with those other reasons to celebrate.”

My face lit up. “You think so?”

“I mean, sure. Flare won’t stop pestering me about it anyway,” Gloria said. “Let me talk to the Queen about it. Spend one more night here, and I’ll have an answer by the morning.”

I went over and gave Gloria a hug. “Thank you!”

“Nothing to thank, Merry,” Gloria said, looking a little embarrassed, maybe. But happy! “I can’t promise anything… but I think it’ll be possible.”

Soon, Baroness and the Queen came back out.

“It is done,” Baroness said.

“We shall keep it safe,” the Queen said. “Please do not violate our trust in you.”

“I am a good person,” Baroness said. “I promise not to misuse your faith in me.”

The Queen nodded.

We went with Baroness to the small place she had stayed in since arriving, and talked.

“How does it feel to be a grandma?” I asked her.

“...not significantly different,” Baroness said. “I am unsure if I am supposed to alter my actions in any way.”

“Nothing like that,” Philly said. “Just, I don’t know… be yourself, like you have been.”

“...I seem capable of that,” she said. “At the very least, I would like to get back to our magic lessons.”

Philly smiled. “I would too. I have a lot to learn!”

“I may be… busy with other tasks… research tasks… but I should still have time,” Baroness said.

“Maybe I can help you with those, too,” Philly said. “That’s what an apprentice does, right?”

“...you are correct,” Baroness said.

They both looked happy at that idea, Diary. I hope they have fun, if they work on it! It seems hard, but I mean, I guess some people would find baking hard, so that’s fine!

When we finally got back to the chamber we were using, there was a letter waiting for us.

“Ah, it seems Gloria has put together a party as you suggested,” Myrmidon said, smiling. “Two days from now.”

I was so happy, Diary! “Oh, I’m so glad! Should I make something?”

“I am sure it will be catered, my sweetest,” Myrmidon said, chuckling.

“Eating in front of everyone else is going to be a little embarrassing,” Philly said. “What with how much I eat…”

“It’s how much everyone eats…” Dagger’s voice said. “It’s fine.”

“I suppose so…” Philly said, chuckling a little.

I’ve been thinking a lot, Diary. About getting back to normal. About how “normal” is actually a big change, you know? And I’m happy, I really am!

But I’m glad we can have a little party, and all be together again. After all we’ve been through.

I hope we get to do it again, soon, after that, too!

For now, though, it was a good day! Probably a 7.8!

Goodnight, Diary!

[lfthinkerwrites]

Foundation

Chapter title: Foundation

Work: From the Case Files of Edward Nigma, Private Investigator

Fandom: Batman

Rating: PG

Summary: Edward and Penelope, among others, begin to plan ahead.

AO3 Link

Commissioner Gordon leaned back in his desk chair with a sigh. It had not been a good day. When he'd arrived back to GCPD headquarters from his awkward meeting with Mayor Sharp, he'd called in his senior detectives to his office and informed them about the commission that Sharp intended to form. As expected, none of them took it well, especially Bullock. Gordon couldn't blame them. Every action they'd taken as police officers over the past ten years was about to be called into question. If Sharp's earlier remarks were anything to go on, they'd especially be grilled on the actions they department had taken since Nigma had reformed. Gordon removed his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. He hadn't been thrilled when Nigma had decided to, in his own words, 'use his intellect for good and assist the GCPD,' but he'd never imagined things would get quite this complicated.

"Long day Jim?"

Gordon put his glasses back on and sat up straight. "You could say that," he grumbled. "I had my first official meeting with Mayor Sharp today."

"And?"

"He's not happy about what happened with Goodman. He's forming a commission to investigate parole practices and the GCPD's conduct." Gordon reached into his pocket for his book of matches, only to come up empty handed. "He also asked me to keep a tighter leash on Nigma."

"No doubt he's not happy about Nigma being the one to catch Goodman."

"Neither am I, but I got the feeling there's more to it than just the Goodman case. Sharp seems to have it out for Nigma. Which is a bit surprising, considering Nigma all but got him elected in the first place. Got any ideas why?"

There was a pause before the masked man in Gordon's office spoke again. "Remember when Sharp hired Nigma last May? I think there was more going on there than just finding who was leaving threatening notes. I think Sharp wanted to test Nigma's capabilities and then try to bring him under his control."

Gordon rubbed his chin. "That makes sense. Nigma being Nigma, of course he wouldn't play ball, so now Sharp wants him out of the way." Gordon sighed. A vendetta between the newly elected mayor and a former super villain. This was the last thing he needed to deal with. "You think Nigma knows he's persona non grata?"

"I'm certain he knows. And I'm certain he has some kind of contingency plan in the works. We're going to need to keep an eye on him."

"That'll be easier said then done. Because of Bullock's jackass stunt during the Goodman case, Nigma's not going to tolerate us sticking our noses in his business." Gordon tapped his fingers on his desk, really wanting a smoke about now. "A man like Nigma, thinking the mayor's office, the police department, and you are all up against him? That's not a good scenario for any of us. He might start to pick up old habits."

The only response Gordon received was the sound of the wind rustling the window blinds. Gordon shook his head. "One of these days, we're going to finish a conversation before you do that."

January 2nd, 2007

12:30 pm

"So you did speak to Edward then?"

"I did," Joan answered, taking a sip of water. Penelope sat across from her, watching her every move. "He told me what's been going on." Joan watched as her friend sighed in relief.

"I'm glad," she said. "I wanted to tell you last week, but-"

Joan held her hand out. "It's alright Penelope. I should tell you right now though, that I can give you information, but that's as far involved as I'm willing to be."

"That's fine Joan, anything you can tell us-"

"Penelope," Joan gently interrupted. "I mean, give you information. I told Edward yesterday that I don't want to hear about any of this from him. I'm still officially his psychiatrist. I don't want anything to compromise our sessions, as infrequent as they are."

Penelope nodded in understanding. "Of course."

Joan took another sip of water. "I don't suppose I need to tell you to be extremely careful. If Strange and Sharp are willing to be this brazen with regards to Edward,there's a chance they might target you as well for helping him."

"I can more than handle Sharp," Penelope said confidently. "And I'm not afraid of Hugo Strange. If they're using their positions to compromise this city, they need to be confronted."

A wan smile came to Joan's face. She was beginning to see glimmers of who Penelope was before the Asylum had gotten its hooks into her. Her face grew serious again though as she spoke, "It's not just them you need to be careful of Penelope. You need to take care of yourself. I don't want to hear about you taking any more unnecessary risks."

"I'll be fine Joan," Penelope answered.

Joan nodded. "Also," she said in a low tone. "You need to keep an eye on Edward."

Penelope looked confused at her. "Why?" she asked. "You don't think he's trying to game us, do you?"

"No," Joan said. "If Edward says there's something going on, I believe him. But this is going be an extremely stressful situation. I worry about what this could do to his mental state."

Joan watched as Penelope's expression went from confusion, to a look of blank coldness. Joan knew that look well. It was the expression Penelope used when something was concerning her, but she didn't want to let on that it was. "Do you think he's in danger of relapsing?"

"Not yet," Joan answered. "Edward's made a lot of progress over the past year, but he's not cured. He still has compulsive behavior and anxiety. And I think the Goodman case clearly shows that he's still letting his ego get in his way." Joan took a breath. "There's something else that bothers me. I believe that there's something from Edward's past that he hasn't dealt with."

Penelope arched an eyebrow. "Something relating to his past as the Riddler?"

"No. Something personal. About two months after he woke up, he received a visit from a friend of his. I'm not sure what they spoke about, but he was hysterical. He was screaming, crying, throwing things. He had to be sedated. After he woke up, he refused to speak about it. I've never been able to get him to open up about it since."

Penelope's expression turned from blank, to thoughtful. It was as if what Joan said had triggered a memory. Joan found herself leaning forward. Had Edward spoken to Penelope about it? How close were they? Joan wondered briefly if she knew about Edward's daughter. The man had sworn her to secrecy about the girl, so if Penelope didn't know, she wouldn't be the one to tell her. Finally, Penelope's face turned blank again and she looked at Joan. "If Edward doesn't want to talk about it, I can't force him." She shook her head. "Trying to get him to do anything he doesn't want to do is like trying to herd cats."

Joan laughed a bit. "Tell me about it. He is probably the most stubborn person I've worked with in my fifteen years as a doctor." Joan's smile fell a bit. "Even now, Edward won't prioritize his mental health unless he has no other option."

Penelope chewed her bottom lip a bit. "Joan, I can't force him to seek treatment, or be responsible for him."

"And I'm not saying you should. Believe me. But we both know what signs to look for. If you see any evidence he's slipping, call me immediately. If Sharp and Strange really are out to get him, then they'll take full advantage of any vulnerability."

There was a pause, before Penelope nodded. "I will Joan."

The waiter arrived then, bringing each of them a plate of salad. Joan watched for a few minutes as Penelope pecked at hers, deep in thought. "Getting back to the case," she said, "What are your next steps?"

"Edward said he was going to meet with a few associates of his and let them know what's going on." Penelope finally took a small bite. "I assume he meant Oswald Cobblepot and Selina Kyle. I was going to start researching Hugo Strange's background." She looked up at Joan expectantly. "You worked with him at Arkham for a few years didn't you? Before I started?"

"Yes," Joan answered. "For about two years, when Jeremiah Arkham was still in charge." Joan's lip pursed at the memory of Hugo Strange. He'd a been a cold, calculating man with outdated ideas on therapy. It didn't surprise her for an instant that he'd be targeting Edward, even when the man was reformed. "He was the senior psychiatrist then. He actually did have some success in treating some of the more hardcore patients." Joan took a bit of her salad. "Strange was fascinated by the criminal behavior exhibited by our more infamous patients. He was more interested in studying them than he was in actually treating them. He brought several research proposals before Dr. Arkham and the rest of the Board at Arkham, but he was turned down every time. Back then, the Board of Arkham actually wanted to attempt to make rehabilitation the primary goal."

"Was that why Strange left?"

Joan shook her head. "No. When Strange did treat his patients," Joan's teeth grinded at the memory. "His methods wouldn't be out of place in Victorian Bedlam. He used aggressive punishments. Withholding food, solitary confinement, electroshock therapy."

"And Dr. Arkham allowed this?"

"Absolutely not. When he found out just how far Strange was going, he fired Strange. He left for Europe after that. No one at the Asylum saw or heard from him for years after that. I thought that would be the end of it, but then Dr. Arkham died and Sharp came in. You know the rest."

"And then last year, just after the riot, Strange returns and takes my old position at the Asylum." Penelope took a sip of water. "I've been thinking. After you left, Sharp did begin using harsher punishments to deal with the more unruly inmates. Then Strange comes in almost immediately after I leave. Is it possible that Sharp and Strange were in communication with each other?"

Joan shrugged. "It's possible. That sounds like a question for Edward though." If Sharp and Strange had been communicating with each other, Joan thought, then whatever they were doing was a long time coming. It was a disturbing thought. Judging from how little Penelope was eating, she felt the same way.

Tuesday, January 2nd, 2007.

9:00 pm

Dr. Leland had been shocked when Edward told her what he'd been up to, but ultimately accepting. She'd never raised her voice once. Selina on the other hand-"Are you serious Eddie!?" she yelled at him as soon as he was finished speaking. "Dr. Strange and Mayor Sharp have had a target on your back for the past six months and you're just NOW telling us about this!?"

Edward held his hands up in supplication. He was glad he was out of range of Selina's wine glass, should she decide to hurl the contents at him. He'd just gotten this suit dry cleaned after all. Not to mention Oswald would be less than happy if his immaculate table cloth was ruined. "Now now Selina, don't be like that. And in my defense, we weren't exactly on speaking terms six months ago."

Selina pointed her finger at Edward. "Then why didn't you say anything after what happened at Jervis' hideout last summer? Or even after what happened with Tut!?" Selina's green eyes narrowed. "We've known each other for fifteen years Edward. You should have told me. Do you still not trust me!?"

Edward sighed. He didn't quite expect Selina to be this agitated. She really did care about him. "I wouldn't be telling you this now if I didn't Lina."

Selina's face softened somewhat, but she let out an irritated huff. Oswald graciously held up his hand. "Now now Selina, let's not get bogged down by arguments about trust." He lit his cigarette and took a long puff. "If either this Dr. Strange or Mayor Sharp think they can intimidate Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot with such lack witted strong arm tactics, they've got another thing coming." He turned his sharp gaze at Edward. "What do you require from us Edward?"

Edward leaned back in his chair. "From you Oswald, our usual arrangement should be enough. You supply me with men and with space, I'll supply you with information."

"Consider it done."

Edward turned to Selina. "Keep your eyes and ears open. You know where to find me if you find out anything."

Selina rolled her eyes, but nodded. "Sure thing." She leaned forward in her chair and gave Edward a half-hearted glare. "No holding anything else back from me Eddie. I mean it."

"Fine Lina. I promise."

Selina relaxed, then gave Edward an inquisitive look. "Does Ellen know anything about this?"

"No, and she's not going to." She was only 15. There was no reason for Ellen to be caught up in any of this nonsense. He wasn't Batman, dragging children into fighting his wars. Selina didn't look happy with this, but didn't say anything in response. Edward finally picked up his own wine glass and took a sip. This was going to be a long case.

Friday, January 5th 2007

9:00 am

Edward arrived at Penelope's office bright and early, managing to avoid the front desk receptionist or any building security that might be around. Her office door was painfully easy to unlock, so he made his way in, propping his cane up against her desk before he hopped onto it, and began to wait for her. He idly drummed his fingers on the solid wooden desk when his eyes strayed over to the bookshelf she had set up on the left side of the room. He walked over to it, figuring he may as well find something to do to pass the time. He skimmed over multiple psychology textbooks, scientific journals and packed up case notes before he pulled out a copy of Dostoevsky's Demons and walked back to Penelope's desk, hopping back on and beginning to read. In undertaking to describe the recent and strange incidents in our town, till lately wrapped in uneventful obscurity, I find myself forced in absence of literary skill to begin my story rather far back, that is to say, with certain biographical details concerning that talented and highly-esteemed gentleman-

Edward barely manged to get through the first paragraph before he heard the door to the office open. He looked up to see Penelope carrying a paper cup of coffee in her hand. She hadn't noticed him yet. Time to change that. "Good morning, Dr. Young!" Edward chirped.

Penelope looked up with a start and gasped, reflexively throwing her cup straight at him. Edward barely managed to dodge the steaming hot liquid as it spattered across her desk. Edward looked at the mess and looked back at her, almost put out. "Well, that's a fine way to greet someone!"

Penelope's face flushed red after she recovered from the shock and realized just it it was that was in her office. "Jesus Christ Edward!" she shouted, slamming the door behind her. "What are you doing here!?"

Edward frowned. "I thought you wanted me to come by to update you."

"You should have called me!" Penelope continued, pulling off her dark blue winter coat and hanging it up on the coat rack. "You scared me half to death!"

It suddenly occurred to Edward that showing up unannounced in the office of a woman who had been recently kidnapped and threatened with death might not have been the best course of action. "You're right," he admitted. "That was a bit rude of me." Penelope looked surprised that he was willing to admit fault. Edward tried to ignore it. "I'll clean up the coffee. Do you have any paper towels, or-"

"In the bottom drawer of my desk, on the right hand side." Edward leaned down and pulled out the roll, then tore off a few sheets and began to wipe up the coffee. At least none had manged to get on her carpet. "Were you reading my books? Why?"

"I was bored," Edward answered truthfully. "And I've found one of the most interesting ways to get to know a person is to examine what's on their bookshelf."

"I'll take your word for it," Penelope said. Edward finished mopping up the mess and deposited the damp paper towels in the wastebasket before looking back up at Penelope. She was back to business as usual. ''How did your meeting go?"

"Well enough. Oswald and I have our usual understanding. Selina was a bit put out that I didn't tell her sooner, but she's on board as well."

"What about Selina's friends?"

Edward didn't miss the brief flicker of unease he saw on Penelope's face. "I assume you're referring to Harley and Ivy. They won't be involved. Ivy and I aren't exactly on the best of terms and Harley can't be trusted to keep quiet. What about your meeting with Dr. Leland?"

"It went well," she answered. "She told me a bit about how Strange was when they worked together." Penelope walked closer to where Edward was standing. "You don't happen to remember anything about him from when he was at Arkham, do you?"

Edward creased his brow as he tried, and failed, to recall. "No details no. I remember that I hated his guts, but I'm certain I feel that way about every doctor I had in Arkham." He sheepishly adjusted his hat. "Dr. Leland and present company excepted, of course."

If Penelope had been offended, she gave no indication of it. "I didn't think so."

Well, this was a bit awkward. "So," he said. "Have you been by GCPD yet?"

"Gordon hasn't called me in yet. I think he wants to give me more time. Aaron called me yesterday though. He said that Gordon warned the senior detectives and officers that Sharp's going to announce a commission to look into what caused the Goodman incident."

Edward snorted. "No doubt he's trying to set up Gordon and GCPD as a scapegoat for that."

"Or you," Penelope added. "Edward, I think for the time being, you should keep a low profile."

Edward raised an eyebrow. "That's going to be a bit difficult, don't you think? I am me, after all."

"You know what I mean. Don't take any high profile or highly unusual cases. Don't be seen to be interfering in GCPD business. Sharp can't accuse you of being a public menace if you're under the radar."

Edward hated to admit it, but she did have a point. It would probably be a good idea to stay out of Bullocks way for the time being as well. "Well, I do have a backlog of wandering wives jobs from just after Christmas, before I got sidetracked by Goodman." He frowned. "What a waste of my precious intellect though."

"Your 'precious intellect' will survive you taking it easy for a few weeks Edward." Penelope said, not unkindly. "I think it would be a good idea though to check in regularly. Just in case if one of us hears anything."

Edward grinned a bit. "If you want the privilege of my company Penelope, all you have to do is ask." He laughed a bit when he saw Penelope roll her eyes. He caught the slight smile she had all the same. "I agree though. How about this: barring anything job related or some catastrophe, I'll meet you here, this day and time."

Penelope considered this for a moment. "I think that will work. Just don't surprise me like that again."

"I won't. And on days when I don't have an update, I can regale you with tales from my cases."

Penelope shook her head. "I can hardly wait," she drawled.

[mikecardenmpreg]

recovery, etc.

so its been just about a year since i got back into therapy and i just want to say this because i didnt make it clear enough when it happened. when i went in for my intake session last december, they wanted to hospitalize me. like. that day. right then. they didnt even want to finish the interview. they just wanted to admit me. because people reporting numbers like mine were in hospitals on suicide watch. they did not want me to leave the premises. i had to assure them that i wasnt going to kill myself (even though i knew that wasnt a promise i could make). i had to sign a CONTRACT promising i would not kill myself before my first therapy session. the intake specialist was skeptical but he let me go (though he had no idea how i was able to function on a daily basis - jokes on him though because i wasnt functioning at all). he had a look in his eye that told me he wasnt sure letting my leave was a good idea. when i went to my first therapy session with ann a few weeks later, she also wanted to hospitalize me and again i found myself assuring someone i didnt know that i wasnt going to kill myself (and that still wasnt a promise i could make). a year ago i was so sick that i was nearly hospitalized for my own safety and for the safety of others. i smiled and joked and laughed through it all. i reblogged relatable sad posts. i tried not to make it seem like it really bothered me. but i was barely hanging on. 

i got my diagnosis on december 13th. i didnt talk to ann much but i told her just enough for her to deduce i had bpd. its something i knew for at least two years. i sat with my knees to my chest the entire session, uttering a few words here and there, picking at the fraying knees of my jeans. she took notes. she told me my numbers were concerning, that people with numbers like these are generally in inpatient care. i stared. nothing behind my eyes. i was a shell. she said “hopefully next time we meet youll be more comfortable with me and we can talk some more”. i felt like an asshole for sitting there and wasting her time. i thought i was a lost cause. i thought there was no way i was gonna get better.

and for the longest time i didnt. i was hurting so much. i was separated from all my friends and still dealing with the aftermath of not one but two absolutely devastating (at the time) rejections. i wanted to kill myself so badly but didnt have the means to do it efficiently and effectively (ive always been too scared to actually try to kill myself in case it didnt work - something ive told my therapist). i felt like the biggest fucking loser. i remembered the summer of 2012 and thinking (back then) that there was no way i could feel worse than i did then. i was wrong. how i felt in december 2016 through january-march 2017 was the worst ive ever felt in my entire life. looking back its mostly static. dont remember a lot of it. all i remember is being angry and suicidal and wanting to hurt everyone around me.

in april i started dbt. it took awhile for me to get into the class. ann had me take other classes to help cope with my other problems (anxiety mostly) and helped me process some of my issues until i could get into dbt. borderline is a little out of her area of expertise but she knows how to listen and is very very good at validating all my little hang ups (i love my therapist).

it took me a few weeks to see the value in dbt. for the first few months all it did was dredge up old shit and trigger me until i was hollow and numb. every week it felt like i was being ripped open and flayed. every week i got to relive a different traumatic memory. every week i disassociated to keep myself safe in this room of strangers (who were also disassociating to keep themselves safe). (disassociation is not a healthy coping mechanism) 

but then i went on medication for my depression and anxiety and the combination of that, dbt, and regular therapy sessions actually began to like work? like? thats wild? and i started to see changes in my life because i was learning how to communicate appropriately and deal with my trauma effectively. and i stopped dwelling on the things that made me feel bad and started diving in to the things that made me feel good. i started spending more time with friends and reaching out and actually putting an effort into being a better friend. i started being honest and open with my parents about my progress rather than being super secretive and hiding things. and somehow the constant stress dreams and nightmares and violent thoughts and suicidal ideations stopped. i was finally able to enjoy things again. i was even able to spend time with my parents and actually enjoy it. hell i even looked forward to seeing them and talking to them (which is a really fucking big deal).

there have been slip ups along the way. things have happened that have really bent me out of shape. but i was able to deal with those things and recover. last december i was prepared to ruin every relationship i had. i told my parents to not come to my graduation. i almost deleted all my friends phone numbers and unfollowed them on all social media so i never had to speak to them again. i was ready to isolate myself from everyone so that when i killed myself (which i was getting ready to do) i wouldnt hurt anyone.

im not gonna say that i cant believe that person then and the person i am now are the same people because i can absolutely believe it. there are times when i want to go back to my old ways because regressing is a lot easier than constant progress. and getting better doesnt always have 100% positive results. ive learned a lot about myself and others along the way. ive had to sever ties. ive learned that some people arent capable of change. ive learned that sometimes taking a break from the people you love the most is the best thing you can do for yourself (and for them). ive had to have hard conversations because getting better has forced me to learn that you gotta actually work for what you want. 

i havent been perfect this whole time either. i still havent learned how to value my own feelings over the feelings of others or how to accept that other people care about me. im sure some day i will. a year of therapy isnt going to fix everything. but some day ill have a breakthrough.

the whole point of this though is that if i can make it through my darkest moments and turn my shit around....anyone can. but its important to know beforehand that its a process. nothing happens overnight. nothing happens in a month. recovery is something you have to work at day and night for the rest of your life. its something you have to want. it doesnt come easy and its not pleasant. its not all soothing baths and flowers and handwritten journals. its crying and screaming and addressing your past traumas and welcoming them into your home like theyre family (and then accepting that they happened but not letting them dictate your every move). its being honest - brutally honest - with not only yourself but with others. its letting go of people you love and learning to exist in the void of loneliness (until the people you love learn to accept the new you). its showing up every week (or month or whatever) and saying something for once, even if you think its stupid, even if you think its irrelevant. recovery is ongoing. im about to finish my first year. i still have a lot of work to do and im actually kind of excited to do it? which is cool considering my contingency plan has always been to kill myself.

anyway. i just wanted to say that. i dont pat myself on the back very often but ive accomplished a lot this last year. and not gonna lie but ive referred to myself as “most improved patient” in my head multiple times these past few months. im in a pretty okay place right now. im glad im still here (despite the world getting worse literally every day). im glad i have people i can share that with. and i hope some day soon i can return the love and support ive been given tenfold :)

[ts-hvv4]

RITES OF PASSAGE

Let’s Look back fondly on those who have been voted out:

SARAH: We never got to talk and thats sad. Sorry to see you were first boot.

MALIK: You were cool and I liked you but you stopped being as active. Love to hear more from you though!

NED: Sorry bro, it was either going to be you or me. I saw from the other season you played that you seem to be a really skilled player, so it’s a bummer (and probably fortunate for me) that we didn’t get to see that play out this time. I assume that life just got in the way the first few days-- I totally understand that-- and I hope you’ve done well since we last spoke!

JAKE: You were fun to talk to but unfortunately a bit inactive and an easy vote.

SARAH: King of Starbucks. ILY but you were kinda inactive so Im sorry you left </3

MALIK: We didn't meet tbh but I heard thing about you.

NED: I didn’t get to play with you this time, but honestly I’m really glad I didn’t have to compete against you. Dude, you are a force to be reckoned with and I am so thankful this game wasn’t a repeat of Open Ocean (https://survivor-pacific-islands.fandom.com/wiki/Survivor:_Open_Ocean) where you voted me out first while I was on a ski trip two years ago!!! I don’t know if you’ll read this but you are one of the most dominant, scarily good players I’ve ever seen and I know if you lasted longer this game would have gone in a completely different direction. I know it’s been a while but I hope you’re doing great!

JAKE: I didn’t play with you and idk you.

SARAH: pls send me more pics of ur kitty cat. I love.

MALIK: I know you frrom Facebook! Sadly you didn't last here.

NED: I was hoping to be able to meet you but unfortunately things didn’t pan out that way. I’ve heard great things about you and I’m hoping we’re able to meet after this game ends!

JAKE: I didn’t play with you but I heard you were a crackhead rip

SARAH: We never got to chat but I screeched when I heard tribal council about how you snaked Kage in Thera.

MALIK: I actually really enjoyed your company! Sorry you left early, things just happened.

NED: Birch, you’re an incredibly kind person and I loved getting to know you. I really appreciated your openness and getting to see firsthand your genuine care for others. The only reason I voted you out is that it became apparent that you were probably not going to be on my side moving forward, but I hope you’ve been doing well since the world ended a couple weeks ago and I’d love to hear about how things are going since we last talked about them during the game. 

JAKE: You were really nice in the game and I enjoyed our conversations, unfortunately I don’t think you connected enough with everyone which lead to your vote out.

SARAH: I literally never know if you are loyal to me or if you want me dead. You are a WILDCARD and I love playing with them but you were pretty bad for my game so I had to vote you out. I am sorry :(

MALIK: I heard you were chaotic! But also didn't officially meet you so sorry there.

NED: We didn’t really talk much but u seem cool. HAGS! I don’t know Kage so that was what I would say if we were in middle school and I was signing his yearbook

JAKE: Idk what you were on but you were kinda crackdt during our tribe swap which is why I think people wanted you out LOL

SARAH: I heard you went around telling everyone Andrea/Ned/I are in a F3 alliance really early on in the game. LOL 1) who are you? 2) how do you know me? 3) imagine after getting voted out having the audacity to still talk to ppl about the game. We love cheaters!

MALIK:  Girl, girl, girl. You wanted me in your group, then you were talking RECKLESS about me, being fake about it but then spearheading a vote against me when I didn't do a damn thing to you. You say it wasn't personal but I felt it was because I didn't see why you went so hard to go after me. But gg to you though.

NED: Olivia!!!! Dang, I am really sad this went the way it did. When we talked on day 1 I was planning on being with you all the way. It just became clear that I wasn’t in your serious long-term plans when other people came to me about the 5-person alliance you were in pre-swap that you hid from me. I wish it could have worked out, because you’re super cool and you honestly should have gone much further than you did. You were a great player both strategically and socially and I needed people like that on my side, not against me! I can’t wait to talk to you again and catch up after the season’s over, because you’re a great person and I loved the time we had together.

JAKE: I was shook to see you get the boot pre-merge and I thought we would reunite again at some point, robbed and gone too soon

SARAH: Sorry you left, I loved the way you played on flops and would have really loved to work with you this season

MALIK: I actually really grew to like you a lot Keegan! Hard to connect to at first, but towards the end of the game, I really liked you. I hope we'll talk more afterwards.

NED: Dude, I really enjoyed talking to you and voting you out broke my heart because I know how much you wanted to be there. It came down to the same situation as Olivia, because I knew you were in the alliance with Olivia and also the one pitching my name as a contingency plan, which honestly scared me. My goal in the early stages of the game was to fly under the radar and make as few waves as possible, so it was my priority to eliminate anyone who might throw out my name and possibly expose the cutthroat game I was actually playing. I felt I had to take that opportunity to vote you out, because I know you’re an extremely competent player and would have been a hurdle for me to overcome down the road. I’m sorry things ended the way they did, because I truly did enjoy talking to you and comparing notes on Survivor! Also, you freaking killed it in the music video challenge and should probably go pro.

JAKE: I couldn’t really connect to you that well on our original tribe but you did seem like a nice person.

SARAH: Im sorry we didnt talk too much. We just happened to not be very similar and as much as I can force a convo, it was weird as fuck.

MALIK: We hit it off immediately at the beginning and you were my favorite, and then similar to Olivia you ghosted me and didn't say much to me. I really did like you in the beginning, and I wish you had just told me how you felt then. Because you really did seem cool.

NED: Trent, you are the freaking man! While you were here, you were killing it as a player, and that’s on top of having a BABY on the way!! It was really great getting to know you and play with you at the beginning of the game-- it was honestly kind of scary how well-connected you were, and I respect the heck out of you. I hope you’ve been able to spend some more time with your wife while all of this has been going on and I can’t wait to catch up with you!

JAKE: I hope you are less stressed now that the game is over, tbh I wasn’t sure how much I could trust you early on because Sharifa and Kurt told me about the alliances you had without me, and I did lie to you about the Birch vote LOL but when we tribe swapped we did get really close and I appreciate you sacrificing yourself basically this round, hope I am doing you proud!!

SARAH: KING OF BOOKS. Lets still chat about it. I'm sorry that you got fucked over bc of your idol. You seem so genuinely nice that I would love to be friends after this.

MALIK:  I LOOOOVE YOU SO MUCH! I was worried coming in about how we'd get along this game, but we left off where we were last time!! I'm glad me and you were there for each other and I'm glad you could protect me from the evils! You were so robbed!

NED: You are one of the coolest people, for real! I loved talking to you on the heroes tribe and I'm sorry for exposing your idol and voting you out lol. I hope you're doing well!

JAKE: I  couldn’t really connect with you when we finally merged, plus I heard about your idol and I felt like it was a smart choice for you to go.

SARAH: MY LITERAL BEST FRIEND. I AM SO SORRY U GOT SNAKED BUT I CANT WAIT TO SEE U SOON. ILYILYILY

MALIK: was glad I connect with you more privately and I missed you. You did end up throwing me under the bus, and I was very pissed with you and the others but I still have love for you  It's ok

NED: You suck at this game. Hope to see you never

JAKE:  We didn’t talk as much as I’d like, but I also was threatened by you coming into merge because I perceived you as having a lot of solid connections which intimidated me, which is why I pushed to vote you out that round. The conversations we did have were really nice though!

SARAH: I am so glad I got to meet you, you are a literal icon and although I'm pretty sure I was way more loyal to you than you were to me, I feel like we get along super well and I'm happy we get to chat about this season after everything is over :)

MALIK: I was drawn to you immediately for some reason, but I think it's the villain charm. Sorry like I tried to work with you TWICE, and you lied to me and tried to vote me the first time(likely) and then waited till then to think we could now work together because you're down and out, vs when I was. That turned me so off of you and even when you weren't my target, I was happy you were out of there. I do really think you're a cool dude though and hopefully after the pandemic we'll see each other!

NED: We didn't get the chance to talk a ton so it's understandable that we went after each other. From what I've talked to you though, you seem really dope and I think we'd get along really well.

JAKE:  I couldn’t get a good read on you throughout merge and even though we had an alliance together I was wary of you, but besides that we had some really good conversations about animal crossing and CS so I hope you’re doing well.

SARAH: You played a good game and it wasnt until the last minute I realized that you play a very cut throat game. No shame. Props.

MALIK: I've missed you. I was so sad to see you leave, and I didn't think we'd connect how we did. I miss the talks of anime and shows we had together!!

NED: My German friend, I love you and I hope you're doing well. I wish I could have stayed in Germany longer because the people at the airport there were really nice and it would have been cool to meet you! I also met some German college students in Sweden and they were dopeeeee so if you're anything like them then you're dope too.

JAKE: Dennis you are a sweetheart but I knew you were too much of a threat to let slide by any longer in the game after you worked hard to solidify yourself in the majority again. I’m sorry for lying to you about the vote, was just idol paranoia and stuff.

SARAH: I loved talking stratgey with you and loved playing with you. Sorry if you didnt feel the same :(

MALIK:  I. LOVE. YOU. No. lie. I didn't expect to connect with you so much after it all went down during the merge, and even though I hurt you with voting you that one time, I tried to make it right between us. I definitely want to keep in contact with you the most after this season. Our bond took me by surprise. 

NED: It was fun but difficult talking to you! You said I never talked to you but I vividly remember complaining to people about how you left me on read all day multiple times lol. But it's chill, I've only heard great things about you and the fact that you're Jake's friend can only mean you're really cool!

JAKE: I’m happy that I finally got to play a game with you and even though it was a rocky ride you had my back in the game and I appreciate that a lot. I wish I listened to you more though

SARAH: Theres a reason you have never been voted out before until now. You are good at what you do. You are good at every aspect of this game. I am sorry that I used you to get far and cut that off. To be fair, I knew you were not loyal to me. However, I do believe our relationship and the things we talked about personally were real so Id love to still chat after this game.

MALIK: You are such a sweetheart and I'm glad we got to play together, I see why you've won twice, you were ON IT. And if it wasn't for TS I probably wouldn't have caught on to how amazing you were playing. You did that damn thing, but you had to go (Even though that wasn't when I was going to attempt it.)

NED:  I'm gonna freaking cry typing this. Sharifa you are incredible and I hate myself for ruining what we had. Talking to you was one of my favorite things to do during the game and I had to do what I did or else you'd be a 3-time winner! Tell me I'm wrong! You're still amazing and I'm so thankful we got to meet during this game.

JAKE: So I was pretty upset when I found out that you and Kurt had turned on me and were lying to me so much (especially with the emotional way you framed our alliance) but I do respect you a lot as a player because damn you’re fierce and now I know why you’ve won twice and made the finals 3 time, you are a true villain.

SARAH: You were going to win this game after Sharifa was voted off. You are well liked. We barely talked and butted heads and I still liked you. If you ever want to chill, lets grab a drink after this whole COVID19 thing.

MALIK:  Easily my #1 guy here. we bonded like from the beginning, and we really grew an amazing relationship with each other, and merge was strained but we kept reconnecting, and then you leave when I'm left out on knowing you were the true vote. I'm sorry I never knew you were really going home, and I NEVER did vote you. Sorry you think so, and I hope you forgive me by the time you see this but I never did vote you, and I hope you give our bond another chance. Lukas was supposed to tell you but idk if he did or he forgot and I hope you forgive me. If not I'll count my losses and leave it there.

NED: Kurt, you are one of the kindest people I've ever met in an ORG. You're so friendly and funny and down-to-earth and I truly enjoyed getting to know you as a person, not just an ally. I hope you can forgive me for going so overboard when I voted you out, you're still a homie and I'm really grateful for you during this game.

JAKE: Same as above with Sharifa but we did talk things out after that Sharifa vote. I wish things went differently in the game but it is what it is, outside of the game you were really fun to talk to and vent with all of the shit going on as I felt I could relate to you with a lot of things.

NED: Dude, you are so freaking hilarious and I WISH we had met pre-merge!!! By the time we got to know each other it was kind of too late to change up my gameplan, but I want you to know that the conversation I had with you the night before you left is probably the best, most real conversation I've ever had with anyone in any game. I'm so thankful for that, it really lit a fire under me to win that final immunity and I honestly just loved talking to you. I hope we can become actual friends after the season is over because you're incredible!

JAKE:  I never really trusted you in the game and I think our relationship was rocky for the most part, no hard feelings though because you were hilarious and a great troll the entire time and I hope we can turn up at club cafe one night when this pandemic ends xxx

MALIK: Such a crazy person!! You were so amazing and I'm glad we met at the merge. You had funny moments and crazy ones but what would this game be without you.

[silversundown2]

Two Steps Forward

Just a little drabble based on that lovely caryl pic. This contains sparse spoilers for the first episode of season 8. But when I say sparse, I really mean it ;)

A quiet moment between Carol and Daryl during the upcoming battle. Tucked away in an alley while waiting on the others, they have a much needed talk.

Plans and contingencies. The number of bullets left in her gun and how many arrows Daryl has left. Those are the only things running through her mind at the moment as she paces back and forth in front of him. He sits perched on the bike, relaxed and easy like he hasn’t got a care in the world but Carol knows that’s not true. That he worries and plans and his own muddled thoughts could likely rival her own, but all outward appearances say otherwise, leaving her confused. They’ve been waiting here in a back alley for the last five minutes. A meeting spot for Tara and the others to join them and step five hundred in their multi wave plan to take down Negan. A plan that never seems to end no matter how much progress they make. One step forward, two steps back. A game of whack a mole that spawns two more moles for every one they kill. “I only have eight bullets left. Shit. The supply is too far to go back…” She trails off, looking in the direction of where they’d kept their stash during this particular mission. “Gonna be more at the next stop.” He offers quietly. Still so perfectly zen that she can’t help but arch a brow in his direction, her feet coming to a stop in front of him. “What is this?” She asks him matter of factly. Curious and wary. The storm may have calmed for the moment but it still swirls around them further out in the form of gunfire a few miles a way, the groans and screeching of walkers a block over and actual clouds that hang heavy in the sky, gray and muted and just waiting for the right moment to pour down on them. “What’s what?” He replies, genuinely confused at her question and she huffs. “This zen thing you’ve got going on right now. Morgan been giving you lessons?” He winces a little and she frowns. She’s being snarky and rude and that wasn’t her intention. The last thing she wants to do is harsh whatever positive mood he’s seemed to grab on to. She just wishes she had some herself. “I’m sorry….that came out wrong. It’s not that I’m not glad to see this…good mood. I am.” She adds, her voice softer than before. He doesn’t answer for a moment and she figures maybe he won’t. That she’s poked him a little too hard, made a mistake and set them back a step when they finally seem to be moving forward. Even just a little. She almost turns away again to restart her stressed out pacing. Intent on running through the day’s plan in her head for the tenth time when his hand snakes out to reach for her hip, landing there in a tentative hold. Tugging her back around. “Hey, dunno if it’s a good mood. That might been reachin’. I do think the rest of this….it’s gonna work out. And when it does…when this is over…” She’s frozen in place while the warmth from his palm over her hipbone seeps through her shirt. It’s the most intimate way he’s ever touched her. They’ve hugged before, more than once but this is something entirely different. The intention behind it feels a world away from the frantic and desperate reunion hugs they’ve shared over the years. A man doesn’t reach for a woman this way unless he’s either certain or hopeful that it’ll be welcomed. Unless they are something more. His soft but cautious words prove as much. His eyes flitting down to her lips and back up again as if he’s been caught doing something forbidden. Her own hand comes up to cover his, an instinctual reaction more than anything else but once her palm ghosts over his knuckles and the slight tremble in his grip becomes more evident she’s certain she must be holding her breath for whatever might come next. “You sound sure it will be. Over.” She says, her voice resigned even if she so badly wants to believe. “Gotta think that way. The hell is the point otherwise? And when it is…” “Then what?” Her tone is breathy and encouraging, wanting to hear him finish that sentence and confirm what they both feel but can never seem to say out loud.

“Then we figure this out.” He seems determined, watching her face as she takes in his reply but his lack of confidence betrays him quickly and he turns flippant a moment later. “Maybe hold up at the kingdom and stuff ourselves with pomegranates for a while, join the choir. Fuck, I don’t know.” He’s nervous and this is certainly not the time or the place to be having a conversation about them, but really, no time or place ever feels right anyway so why should that stop them now. His hand still holds firm at her hip, the light grip never wavering even if his bravery does. Carol knows her time at the kingdom, keeping her away from her family and from him, has prompted an insecurity that runs deep. Even if he tries his best to shove it back down any time she might get a glimpse. “Never liked pomegranates much. What else ya got?” The corner of his mouth quirks up at her sassy tone, a smile threatening to tug at his mouth, making her feel accomplished. She waits eagerly for his next suggestion, her thumb brushing soft waves across the back of his hand. “Lotta options. Lotta new places. Probably some we haven’t found yet. Maybe we see where the bike takes us?” “Deal.” She responds almost instantly. Not needing a moment to think because that sounds like the best damn plan she’s ever heard. His face lights up at her agreement, a pleased blush tinting his cheeks and forcing him to duck his head for the briefest moment.   It’s only then that she realizes she’s drifted closer and closer over the last few minutes, standing between his parted legs, ready to dip her head and press a light kiss to his waiting lips. She’s about to do just that when the sound of gunfire springs them apart in an instant. Followed by a call for help and a herd of walkers rounding the corner of their alley. She’s too worried about whoever is in trouble, too distracted by the flesh eaters that are heading straight for them, to be disappointed just yet. She’ll feel that disappointment later though, that much she’s certain of. “Be careful. See ya back at the checkpoint.” He tells her right before he speeds away, leading the herd after him while she parts in a different direction. Toward the call for help and whatever might be waiting there. When this is over she’ll find him again. Put words to how she feels and make good on the kiss that was ripped away from them at the last moment. For the first time in what feels like forever worry and regret aren’t the only things to cloud her mind. Thoughts of the future drift in too, hopeful and bright. She can’t wait to find out where the bike takes them.

[dxmedstudent]

Part 1: I'm the 5th year med student with the critical supervisor. Thank you so much for your supportive reply, I honestly was half-expecting to be told to suck it up/toughen up. So your kind words meant a lot to me. If I fail 1 rotation, I fail my 5th year - so God forbid that I fail. You can appeal if you have mit circs, but not sure whether I have them. I only have 2 wks left of this 7-wk placement, wondering whether it's worth mentioning to uni, but considering it.

Part 2: It’s good to talk/other students might be helped. Wondering if I’m being oversensitive as other staff members/colleagues seem to just take this consultant on the chin, though. Re counselling service, not sure whether they can help in ways other than offering sessions, which I’m not sure I need. I have a hx of dep/anx/ocd, but I was doing well enough to finish weaning off meds 2 weeks ago and had my last cbt session last week            

Hello, it’s really good to hear from you again. I’m glad it helped. I don’t believe in telling people to ‘toughen up’ or put up with inappropriate behaviour. I actually think this is a huge problem in medicine; many of us are so used to lack of support, belittling, bullying, shouting or even outright abuse from colleagues or patients and their relatives, to the point where it just becomes something we all expect to put up with.  We DO get better at dealing with crap like this, but that’s not because we SHOULD. It’s simply because we keep getting exposed to it. I definitely am a lot less upset by patients shouting at me now than I was as a student, but that doesn’t make someone doing that acceptable. You’re not being over-sensitive, I do wonder if your colleagues are perhaps more inured to such behaviour. Or perhaps they too are fearful and just want to keep their heads down and survive. Perhaps they find it as unpleasant as you, only perhaps they too try to keep it on the inside. We don’t know how much our peers are suffering if they choose not to open up to us. Your real endame here involves two separate objectives: 1) pass the year, which means passing the placement.2) survive this placement and year with your mental health intact, because you do NOT want to go back to where you were, or worse. Both are equally important. It’s really great that you’ve recovered mentally enough to wean down your meds and finish CBT, it’s amaing progress! And that’s definitely a good sign for your general resilience and future. I’m glad to hear your mental health is generally going in the right direction. I’m not a fortune teller, and I wish you many, many years of mental stability and inner strength. But I have to suggest that when you’re newly recovering, it’s a particularly important time to take care. Just like a newly broken bone fresh out of the cast is still not quite like new, so our minds and our souls are also tender when we’re recovering mentally. you’re doing so well, but take especial care of your mental health, and keep a close eye for any signs you might be relapsing or might need more support. Because we’re still a little vulnerable whilst we’re still recovering.You know yourself, but perhaps it wouldn’t nurt to get some extra counselling or support though the weeks you’re stuck with this supervisor. It certainly wouldn’t hurt. In terms of passing, remember that once they’ve signed you off (or not) there’s little you can do about the outcome, except perhaps appeal. In terms of appealing, it helps if your university know what’s been going on beforehand. A heads-up can make all the difference. Universities care about students with mental or physical health problems, if they know that they actually have one. The biggest mistake people often make is not being honest with their university about what they are struggling with. I know time is short, but it’s still probably worth discussing it with your university. What’s the worst that happens if you tell unviersity about your mental health, or that the supervisor’s bullying is affecting you, and then you get failed? They might do nothing about it. Which is exactly where you’d be if you never informed your university at all. We all fear people treating us harshly because we have a health problem, but when universities don’t even know you have a problem, and you mess up, they treat you most harshly.  At the very least, talking to them about it might put you in line for mitigating circumstances, should the worst come to the worst.But they are unlikely to ignore what you’re telling them, because it’s in their interest to choose carefully where they send students every year, and universities move students if it doesn’t work out. I’ve seen it. More importantly, they are under legal obligation not to discriminate in terms of disability, and it would get them in trouble if they are ignoring the effect this has on your mental health. I suspect that your university would be more interested than you realise. Plus, think about the students that may benefit from this supervisor being monitored or having their students taken away; you might help someone next time around whose mental health is really fragile. It shouldn’t be the main reason you consider something, but most of us would like the horrible experiences we suffer to end with us. I get that talkng to universities about things like this can be scary and intimidating and deeply unpleasant; I’ve accompanied people to advocate on their behalf or lend support when they’ve been to such discussions. It is not nice, but it’s sometimes a necessary evil, to stick up for yourself and to ensure that you are getting the appropriate treatment you deserve.  Apart from that, you can just try to do your best and get by. I doubt they will fail you, but I think you should consider what you can do to fight your corner, in case they do. I’m a huge fan of contingency plans and planning in advance, because it’s stressful to be put into a situation at short notice having not thought of what your options are. This is regardless of whether you deserve to be failed, or how unlikely it is. Because we plan for serious things even if they are unlikely.And if they happen to fail you, it’d work in your favour if you’d been honest with the university about what was going on, and how they’ve been treating students. That will definitely paint a picture of the struggles you’ve been facing. Even if they won’t remive you from the placement, it might make them realise you have mitigating circumstances, between the tutor and your mental health. Good luck, and keep me updated. I hope you pass the rotation smoothly and continue on your way to much nicer rotations.

[sablelab]

Three Days in the Highlands -  Chapter 22

DISCLAIMER:

This is a complete work of fiction and as such is an entirely fabricated tale created in my imagination.  .

SYNOPSIS:

Sam and Caitriona start off on their first day’s adventures in the Highlands and arrive at the picturesque village of Kinloch Rannoch.

Chapter 22

 The drive to Mount Schiehallion was not that far away from their home, but nonetheless they still needed to get a move on as Sam wanted to make a quick stop in Kinloch Rannoch village to find out the conditions on the mountain this morning to see if it was safe to climb and also to pick up a few things for the picnic he planned to have on the top of the mountain. He intended to emulate their perfect date today and nothing was going to stop him from achieving that aim. He already had most things he needed for their climb and he’d prepared a little feast in the kitchen for their lunch while Caitriona was in the shower.  He wanted to make this another experience that Cait would remember forever … this was after all a weekend of surprises.

Although tempting, Sam couldn’t bring himself to go back to the bathroom and join her as he knew that if he did, they would never leave the house.  His thoughts however, were not that far from his love and he whistled happily imagining Cait’s lithesome body with the hot water cascading over it as she showered.  Sam had to close his eyes and he emitted a deep sigh as the vision of Caitriona’s naked beauty was very clear in his head.  Just the way she’d sauntered to the bathroom with her little provocative walk and taunting remark … “You just might regret that decision,” had left him smiling from ear to ear as he’d reluctantly left her alone and made ready for the day’s outing. He had regretted that decision somewhat but there were still some days remaining where he could make amends.  

 ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The weather appeared to be perfect for climbing and walking today and the conditions on the mountain would most likely be ideal for their climb. However, despite the amazing landscape of this area, the rapidly changing Scottish weather could be erratic.  Mother Nature was fickle and conditions on the hills could change rapidly. Even in the summer, a sunny day could turn to rain, hail, wind, cold, or clouds … sometimes all five  … in a matter of minutes. Up on a mountain it could be even more extreme, so it was important to be prepared even if the sun was shining when they left home. For this reason you had to be prepared in the Scottish mountains for all types of weather.  Mount Schiehallion could be unpredictable today and they would not know if the weather would change once they were up there, so Sam had thought of all contingencies should the conditions not be favourable.

 They were both dressed accordingly for a hike and he’d made sure that Cait had worn her proper clothing, walking shoes and they had the appropriate equipment they would need for a day’s hiking.  The two of them had been on several hikes in the Los Angeles hills together and because of the summer weather they’d not required a lot of special clothing bar the essentials of sun protection and the like, but it was different here in Scotland. Luckily it was not Midge season as the pesky little insects could be quite irritating despite the fact that only half the Highland midge population actually did bite. The other half, the male of the species, fed on flowers.  Using proper repellent was usually enough for the wee beasties to keep their distance and Sam had some just in case there were still a few around.

He had hiked many times and climbed many Munros but this was Cait’s first time and he wanted to make it memorable for her.  He was always extra careful for himself and for those with him, but with Caitriona, Sam had pulled out all the stops … he was taking no chances with her today, certainly not with the love of his life.  He never headed out on a climb under equipped. His navigational skills were well honed but none the less Sam still had a compass, appropriate maps and GPS in his kit essential in planning a walk in this area. He’d made a checklist and had mentally ticked off all the things he needed to make this a safe climb for Caitriona, not that Mount Schiehallion was difficult, because it wasn’t, but he needed to be a good Boy Scout like he was trained to be as a child and Be Prepared like their motto stated.

Cait was an experienced hiker and Sam knew that she would not find the terrain that difficult although there were some rocky boulders to manoeuvre the closer they got to the top. The walk would take roughly two hours and they should reach the summit in time to place a rock on the cairn and then have time for lunch until they returned back to base camp where they were to leave the Audi.  Mount Schiehallion wasn’t that steep although he was not past zigzagging if it was more comfortable for Caitriona. Apart from the rocky boulders the terrain had some scree and boggy vegetation but they would avoid that by keeping to the designated path up the mountain. It was a really beautiful walk with lovely views along the way and Sam knew that Cait would enjoy the peacefulness of their surroundings on their hike. They would also cross a couple of streams which meandered through the glen and perhaps they would stop for a rest beside one of them if Caitriona was at all tired from the climb.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

As they drove along the road into Kinloch Rannoch every so often Sam looked across at his lady love and observed her out of the corner of his eye. They had only been in the Highlands since yesterday and already Caitriona looked as if a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She appeared contented and had a special glow about her.  Her skin was radiant and her demeanour one of complete ease. She was relaxed and seemed not to have a care in the world.  Bringing her here this long weekend was paying dividends as the break away from all the stress and long working hours was evident to see. Cait was a different person and Sam loved seeing her so happy.

“Hey babe?  Penny for your thoughts.”

“W …what?”

“I said what are you thinking about honey? … Besides me of course.”

She laughed, “You wish Heughan.”

Caitriona turned her head to look over at Sam so virile and handsome behind the wheel of the Audi that she was filled with happiness at this most wonderful man and how he made her feel.  Her eyes slowly roamed over his body taking in his countenance and admiring the man who last night and early this morning had made her the happiest woman in Scotland.  Her eyes swallowed the essence of the man she loved to distraction while her mind danced with vivid pictures of the two of them together.  Her heart was beating with irregular rhythm as eyes caressed Sam’s torso before resting on his face.  Stretching out to touch her love’s cheek, Cait’s fingers lingered there as she spoke truthful words from her heart.

“I’m so happy Sam.  So very, very happy.”

“That’s good to know hon.”

Taking his foot off the accelerator, he slowed the Audi down then Sam turned his head and as he did so, Cait’s fingers slid closer to his mouth.  Warm lips kissed the tips of her fingers while blue eyes held her gaze.

“I’m glad you feel that way.  I do too.”

Sam pulled the Audi over to a shoulder on the road and turned to face Cait.

“Ever since you brought me here I have felt like I belong.  This place and your house have bewitched me until I am filled to overflowing with emotions that have consumed me.  I just love everything about you and … here … in the Highlands … that I can’t really explain sufficiently … but it feels right.  The final piece of the puzzle that just fits is here Sam …. Here with you.”

“I know what you’re saying Cait. Last night meant the world to me.  You are my everything and this place is our sanctuary away from all the noise.”

“Yes … it is.  I love it here.  I love you.”

Sam reached out his hand from the steering wheel and placed it firmly on Caitriona’s thigh giving it a gentle squeeze.

‘You make me happy Cait and I know I’m the luckiest man knowing that you feel the same way.”

Love radiated from her eyes.  They were sparkling with joy and happiness and matched the smile on her mouth. When Caitriona smiled, just the sight of her bowed lips warmed his heart.  In response Sam lifted her hand to his mouth and placed a kiss to Cait’s knuckles, before holding it to his heart for safe keeping. “Love you babe.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Sam manoeuvred the Audi Q5 further down the winding road towards their destination. Despite being the weekend there were few cars on the road and it seemed as if they were the only two people out and about at this hour of the morning.

This area of the Highlands had exceptionally remarkable landscape and many stunning scenic areas with undulating hills and moorland all around Loch Rannoch. For anyone visiting the area they would experience the seclusion, the vastness, the quiet and the purity of the mountain air … the very things that had attracted him to build their dream house in this region of the Highlands. There was a plethora of native flora and the shores around Loch Rannoch were richly wooded with natural Scots Pine forest, as well as birch, oak and juniper; while Rannoch Moor was an internationally important blanket peat bog.  Choosing to live in this area was the best decision Sam had made and he was so glad to be showing Caitriona the region they had both fallen in love with when they were filming in this region and at Dunalastair Estate.

They had the road all to themselves and the drive took in some magnificent scenery along the way particularly when Sam drove the Audi along the wooded roads beside the shore of Loch Rannoch. The Loch was breathtaking especially in the early morning sun. It was beautiful and its wide expanse of blue water reflected the sky and the woods around it on this gorgeous sunny day. Following the stretch of water as far as the eye could see was invigorating for them and a cool breeze from the Loch wafted through the open windows of the Audi. Both Sam and Caitriona couldn’t help but feel in awe of Mother Nature in this wonderful surrounding.

“Oh, Sam this area is stunning. The Loch is beautiful and it looks like diamonds glittering on the water.”

“Aye  … that it does. The reflection of the sun makes a kaleidoscope of striking patterns on the surface.  It’s a good sign Cait that the climb this morning will be in good weather.”

“That sounds promising.”

“Just to be sure though, I’ll call into the Country Store and ask Mrs Graham for any additional advice about climbing today. You know Scotland … beautiful one day …”

“Perfect the next …?”

Sam laughed. “Not quite hon, but things can change very quickly on the mountain even if it is sunny when we set off.  Mrs G will know the weather conditions.”

“Local knowledge is everything isn’t it?”

“Yes Mrs Graham certainly has her finger on the pulse with everything and everyone in Kinloch Rannoch that’s for sure.”

Cait gave a little chuckle.  “I can’t wait to meet her then. She sounds like a fountain of information.”

“Aye  … That she is.” Sam gave her a smile while his happy eyes reflected the colour of the loch.  Blue … so blue … they were piercing; she could easily drown in them.

“Is the village near … or do we still have a way to go before we get there?”

“It’s just a little way ahead Cait.  Not too long now.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

As they neared the township the sight before them was certainly appealing to say the least. The picturesque village of Kinloch Rannoch with magnificent views of the loch and hills was simply breathtaking. It was situated in the shadow of Mount Schiehallion that dominated the glen, and the mountain looked beautiful with its cone-shape majestically overlooking the hamlet. Sam reduced the speed of the Audi as he leisurely cruised across the stone bridge built over the River Tummel and into the quaint, idyllic little village nestled in the valley and sitting on the banks of the river.

It was easy to see why tourists flocked here in the summer months. It was a magical place.  There was something about this village … or was it the mountain … that made you believe that you had been transported back to Brigadoon … the mythical village in the Scottish Highlands that emerged from the mist for one day every hundred years. This was the place to spend an enchanted day and that was what they were planning to do like so many others who came to this area. This remote, tranquil and quiet rural community with its small population was very popular with tourists and locals alike seeking outdoor adventures such as nature trekking, mountain biking or fishing in the river in the stunning scenery. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

However, the peaceful village was a far cry from its bloody and rebellious past. Like many parts of the Highlands, Kinloch Rannoch’s history was bloody and was ravaged during the Battle of Culloden. Formerly a tiny hamlet it was enlarged and settled, under the direction of  James Small,mainly by soldiers discharged from the army, but also by displaced crofters. Small had been appointed to run the Rannoch estates, which had been seized from the clan chieftains who had supported the Jacobites.  After the Battle of Culloden  Kinloch Rannoch was in a desperate state. There were no roads, the people were starving and thievery was commonplace. Additionally, the soldiers dispatched to the area to hunt down the Jacobite survivors contributed to the general sense of lawlessness within the town.

Small provided for disbanded soldiers to become crofters. He gave advice for the building of roads and bridges, the planning of schools and the erection of churches which in time saw the village prosper.

Thinking subconsciously about the history of this pretty spot made Sam feel a little sad, especially knowing that Culloden was the end of the clans and the Highland way of life. There was no part of the Highlands that hadn’t been touched by that bloody battle and that sadness was exacerbated more so because those particular scenes were still yet to be filmed. However, Sam shook those melancholy thoughts from his mind because this area was indeed beautiful now and he and Caitriona were here to have a wonderful, memorable day and certainly not to dwell in the past or to think about filming the last two blocks of Outlander.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

They proceeded a few meters further into the township driving down the main street with picturesque little stone shops and houses bordering the road. They passed by All Saints Episcopal Church with its beautiful spire before reaching The Town Square where there was a hotel, a general store and a lovely cafe where people were sitting at tables outside enjoying the morning sunshine.

“Look Sam … There’s a marble obelisk in the square. I wonder why they have a monument?  Do you know why?”

“Aye … There is an inscription engraved on it that says …  In memory of Dugald Buchanan the Rannoch schoolmaster, evangelist and sacred poet.”

“He must be quite famous in this region to have a monument.”

“He is.   After Culloden he and his wife helped James Small who was appointed to oversee resettling the area and taught the villagers new trades and crafts.”

“It was so sad what happened after Culloden for the Highlanders, but to have an admired person who helped them get back on their feet was a feat in itself.”

“Aye …‘twas.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Finally they arrived at the Rannoch Country Store the hub of the community which also doubled as a Post Office.  Sam parked the Audi Q5 in a small parking bay, and he and Caitriona got out of the car and walked hand in hand to the entrance of the store. It had large windows giving any passerby a good view of the goods that were for sale inside. There was a small display board out the front advertising the day’s specials for the locals and a stand with fresh fruit for sale. Sam peered inside the window but there were no customers in the shop and he couldn’t see Mrs Graham either. As Sam ushered Cait into the shop before him, a little bell tinkled as they opened the door and entered the premises.

It was such a charming way to alert Mrs Graham to customers waiting in the shop if she was out the back.  While they stood at the counter Caitriona casually glanced around the well stocked store marvelling at the array of goods on offer. As well as the counter for postal matters and shelves stocked with everything you could possibly need in the way of sundries and produce, there was also an area set aside for tourist information and pamphlets about where to go and what to see in the area.  This certainly was a well-stocked village shop and offered everything from fresh fruit and vegetables, dairy produce and chocolate to Merlot, magazines, maps and gifts.  Caitriona smiled and gave Sam a hooded look at her observations but before he could answer in kind a little, elderly lady popped her head around a corner and with a cheery hello welcomed them to Kinloch Rannoch.

“Awright 'n’ guid mornin’ tae ye baith.”

Mrs Graham was a comely woman, with a ruddy complexion, grey hair pulled up into a loose bun and an open friendly face.  Her sparkling eyes surveyed the people in her shop and realising who it was, lapsed into some broad Scottish slang.

“Och tis ye Sam.  Ah didnae ken ye wi'oot mah glasses.”

Sam held his mirth in check as the storekeeper took her glasses from around her neck and placed them on her nose.”

“Good morning to you too, Mrs Graham.”  

“Ah, that’s better… Ah kin see ye properly noo. Hoo are ye Sam? Lang time nae see. Whit urr ye daein’ in Kinloch Rannoch?”

“Nice to see you again too Mrs G. We are here for the weekend.”

“We? 'N’ wha is this bonnie lassie then?” She asked peering inquisitively over the top of her glasses at the beautiful woman with Sam.

Turning to where Caitriona was standing, he introduced her proudly to Mrs Graham. “This is my girlfriend Caitriona.”

The lady smiled at her and then gave a surreptitious glace towards Sam as if to say … I like her very much.  I approve. Good for you Sam … “Ah see …”

“Hello Mrs Graham. Nice to meet you,” Cait replied holding out her hand to shake the woman’s hand in greeting.

“A’m chuffed tae catch up wi` ye tae Caitriona. Noo whit kin ah dae fur ye Sam?”

“Can you tell us about the weather conditions on the mountain?”

“Ur yiu aff tae climb Mount Schiehallion?”

“Yes we are.”

“A’ve bin tellt that th’ conditions ur perect fur climbing.”

“That’s good to hear. You know the weather can be fickle on the mountain.”

“That’s true bit nae th'da.  Is thare anythin’ else that yi’’ll need?  Maps? Fairn? Directions?”

“We pretty much have everything, but maybe some of Rannoch’s famous smoked meats would go down well,” he replied indulgently.

“Dinnae fash yersel. Ah will gang 'n’ git ye some.”

“Ta gey muckle.” Hearing other Scots talk always made his own speech emulate theirs and Sam’s “Thank you very much,” resonated in his Scottish brogue.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

When Mrs Graham had moved away to get the produce Sam turned to Caitriona, wrapped her in his arms and placed a chaste kiss to her brow.

“She’s a treasure Sam.”

“Yes she is. The locals are all like that … friendly and hospitable.  They get a lot of tourists through this area but the hospitality of the people is second to none.”

“I noticed that there are some pamphlets over there with information on the area, I’ll get some and read up and see what other things we can do here.”

“Good idea Balfe, but you can ask me any questions you have and I will answer them for you if I can.”

“Okay Mr. Scottish Encyclopaedia.”

Sam tightened his hold on Caitriona, while she snaked her arms up around his neck. Like two koalas hugging he couldn’t resist planting another kiss, but this time to her lips. “Ask away Balfe …”

“'Ere yer then Sam,”  Mrs Graham said as she re-entered the store with the savoury goods  Sam had requested in her hands. “Och … Sorry tae interrupt ye lovebirds,” she said with a chuckle in her voice as the two of them sheepishly broke away from the kiss but not from each other’s arms.

“Thank you Mrs Graham.  I’m sure it will be delicious.”

“Safe climbing ye twa.”

“Thank you again and we will.”

“Ttwas bonnie tae catch up wi` ye.  Dae poap in again if ye kin.”

“We’ll try but we are only here for two more days.”

“Weel then … Ye 'n’ Caitriona micht lik’ tae follow th’ Clan Trail aroond th’ loch tae discover mair aboot th’ clans oan anither day … Ye kin pick up a leaflet ower thare.” Mrs Graham informed them pointing to where the tourist information was located.

“We just might do that.  Thank you Mrs G. I believe there are interesting story boards placed at accessible points around the loch shore that tell the fascinating tales of clans prominent in the district.”

“That’s true … ‘n’ verra interesting tae.”

“Perhaps we will if we get the time.”

“Neist time then?”

“Yes, next time we’re here, we’ll certainly come back and visit.”

“Good bye Mrs Graham and thank you very much,” Caitriona added smiling at the genial woman.

“Cheerio the nou ye twa.  Hae a bonnie day.”

“That’s the plan Mrs G. That … is … the … plan!”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

If you need a translation of the Scottish slang … Here ‘tis!

“Awright 'n’ guid mornin’ tae ye baith.”  

(Hello and good morning to you both.)

“Och tis ye Sam.  Ah didnae ken ye wi'oot mah glasses.”

(Oh, it’s you Sam. I didn’t know you without my glasses)

“Ah, that’s better… Ah kin see ye properly noo. Hoo are ye Sam? Lang time nae see. Whit urr ye daein’ in Kinloch Rannoch?”

(Ah, that’s better…I can see you properly now. How are you Sam?  Long time no see. What are you doing in Kinloch Rannoch?)

“We? 'N’ wha is this bonnie lassie then?”

(We?  And who is this lovely woman then?)

“Ah see …”

(I see)

“A’m chuffed tae catch up wi` ye tae Caitriona. Noo whit kin ah dae fur ye Sam?”

(I am delighted to catch up with you too Caitriona.  Now what can I do for you Sam?)

“Ur yiu aff tae climb Mount Schiehallion?”

(Are you going to climb Mount Schiehallion?)

“A’ve bin tellt that th’ conditions ur perect fur climbing.”

(I’ve been told that the conditions are perfect for climbing.)

“That’s true bit nae th'da.  Is thare anythin’ else that yi’’ll need?  Maps? Fairn? Directions?”

(That’s true, but not today.  Is there anything else that you need? Maps ? Food? Directions?)

“Dinnae fash yersel. Ah will gang 'n’ git ye some.”

(Don’t worry.  I will go and get you some.)

“Ta gey muckle.” (Thank you very much)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“'Ere yer then Sam.”  “Och … Sorry tae interrupt ye lovebirds,”

(Here you are Sam.  Oh … sorry to interrupt you lovebirds)

“Safe climbing ye twa.”

(Safe climbing you two)

“Ttwas bonnie tae catch up wi` ye.  Dae poap in again if ye kin.”

(It was great to catch up with you. Do pop in again if you can)

“Weel then … Ye 'n’ Caitriona micht lik’ tae follow th’ Clan Trail aroond th’ loch tae discover mair aboot th’ clans oan anither day … Ye kin pick up a leaflet ower thare.”

(Well then … You and Caitriona might like to follow the Clan Trail around the loch to discover more about the clans on another day. You can pick up a leaflet over there.)

“That’s true … ‘n’ verrra interesting tae.”

(That’s true … and very interesting too.)

“Neist time then?”

(Next time then?)

“Cheerio the nou ye twa.  Hae a bonnie day.”

(Goodbye you two. Have a lovely day)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[austentatious]

(mis) adventure #100

February 17 2017

Some afterthoughts:

I recently had my interview at a medical school. I was stressing out a little but not as much as when I was about to take oral exams in college. I was even more panicky in college than this. I must really have been extremely neurotic then. I walked to the school because I thought it would be faster than taking a taxi and made it in record time but my interview schedule got messed up. They scheduled me for the day before but I firmly told them I am sure I scheduled for February 17 so they told me to wait as they sort it all out.

What was supposed to be a 10:15 AM interview got pushed back until 2:30 PM and in that time, I was less and less antsy and more and more excited to just get it over it. I was unbelievably calm going in the interview room even if I was assigned to 2 interviewers, their table 2 meters away from my chair. It felt like I was in a Spanish Inquisition. I maintained poise and smiled a lot as what my friends have told me. They told me it would be a getting-to-know kind of interview, they ask about strengths, weaknesses, how you handle stress and conflict, they ask about orgs, or the essay we’ve written.

1. After telling them about Pakistan and its restrictive culture, how my mother was boxed in a domesticated sphere when she was there but when we moved to the Philippines, she got involved in politics, Dr. V said, “You must be a strong, independent girl” and I found myself telling her that I was raised by strong women. We didn’t have a father figure, our uncles were rarely in our house and my grandfather died when I was 8 and that shipwreck of a house was manned by women. Women were the people that kept us afloat in the storm. My grandmother went to the fields with men to farm and went home to our house to cook us dinner. My mother worked alongside men in our Barangay. I was taught that being a woman doesn’t make you less of a person. This was my final essay in Philosophy of History--using Plutarch’s method and way of writing in Lives, I wrote about my mother and grandmother. I compared their lives--the similarities and differences in their narratives and the most important lessons I learned from them both. This was the essay I lost, the most essay I wanted my Mom to read. I could’ve went on and on about the women whose backs weren’t bent with the restrictions of gender and misogyny but the interview as about me and not them.

2. The final words of my essay was that I was first motivated by the idea of learning and affluence which was why I was pursuing medicine but now, I am more propelled into action by the inequality that exists in the healthcare system to which Dr. V looked at me perplexed that I was going into medicine for the money and I thought she must have not read my essay word for word and missed my explanation that I no longer think that. That associating being a doctor with money was the mindset of a 12-year-old girl who was constantly told my relatives that being a doctor means you’ll be rich. No one told me the amount of money, time, and sacrifices that had to be made to be a doctor. Every one of my relatives told me I’ll be rich and all I heard was that I could give my mother a comfortable life if I pursued medicine and it didn’t hurt that I was interested in biological sciences. I felt disappointed that Dr. V didn’t understand this narrative. A lot of people dream of being a doctor or a lawyer because they believe they will earn so much. What kind of bubble was she in to still be surprised by this?

3. They asked me what will happen if I am not granted a scholarship to their school and I told them I will apply to another school, somewhere cheaper. My second choice was a school in Baguio City with a cheaper tuition fee. They don’t offer scholarships but it is cheaper, more manageable. The same Dr. V was so surprised by the fact that my going to their school is so contingent upon the scholarship, as if she could not fathom that a poor girl dared to apply to their school. She asked me repeatedly if I would continue to enroll at their school without the scholarship and I repeatedly told her no. I am sorry that I can’t fight for my dream to be studying in their school without the scholarship. Some dreams have to be put off or changed because of certain lacks. I am disappointed that she didn’t seem to understand this no-brainer the first time.

I may have misunderstood her look of surprise at every turn. I may be thinking too narrowly for being disappointed at her. I am sure she is a fine doctor but she doesn’t seem to understand how it is to be poor. I can’t believe I was defending myself in front of her during the interview. I believe she is not sold by me so I don’t know what will happen to my application but I think I made a mark. I like Atty. D though. He seems more pleasant and more understanding.

Nevertheless, it’s still my first school choice. I love Ateneo but I am not impressed by every teacher I encountered there. After encountering a bad professor during my freshman year in college, I have stopped thinking that everything about it is good. You can’t meet people you like all the time.

P.S.

The questions they had for me weren’t about org or how I handle stress. They asked me to tell them about a time when my principles were challenged, to tell them the last time that I cried. These weren’t questions I was prepared for. They were too personal, too vulnerable but I managed to answer them without faltering. The whole interview was a discernment process for me. I am glad I learned so much about myself too. They asked me why medical school over doing research in plants. I wondered that too but I found myself immediately answering that the state of research on plants in the Philippines does not concern me as much as healthcare. I am more burdened by healthcare than I am about research and that, for me, is a good enough reason to pursue medicine.

[ruizbrooke89]

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