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autisticangus · 4 years ago

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anyway im so out of the loop on the mcelboys

i pretty much only keep semi-up to date with Sawbones at this point, not cuz i dont still LIKE everything else, just a lot has been goin on in my life

if anyone wants a long and rambly update on All Of The Bullshit im gonna stick a read more down here, asks are open and its cool to message me abt any of it if u want cuz i have some really nice and cool followers/mutuals here that make me comfy talkin abt that shit

as far as the future of this blog goes i wanna start using it more again! the mcelroys have gotten me out of some really dark places before so i hope having more connection to this community and the people here and their content again will help me like it has in the past! ill probs post more general mcelroy content here than previously rather than just taz btw i just gotta fuckin uhhhhh,,,, catch up on a bunch of shit again before this blog is even semi active lmaoo but im like alive and on tumblr regularly again!!

Wow u clicked on this and wanna hear me talk? Ur awesome and sweet, thanks for caring!

These past two years have been extraordinarily tough. This is gonna be a pretty long and detailed post that deals with the sensitive topics of emotional abuse, abusive relationships, and alcoholism. Please read on with caution.

Back in March of 2019, so this was about 3-4 months after i left tumblr, I got a new boyfriend and things started out really good, he was kind of a "bad boy" and it was fun at first. Im kind of a goody-goody so it was very interesting for me at first to be with someone so different who had such different life experiences than me. I liked hearing his stories of living in a traphouse, and running with gangs, and selling drugs, and knowing people who had killed people. I assumed a LOT of it was lies, obviously, who just brags about that shit u know? I just rolled with it, didnt take it seriously, and found the imagined scenarios interesting to listen to. So much of it was obviously played up to make him seem cooler, and I shouldve seen that as the red flag it was, and all my friends did but I didnt.

He had a serious alcohol problem, I mean I had coffee in the morning and he had 2 four lokos before noon. it was bad. about 6 months into the relationship he decided i was cheating on him with my ex who i had recently reconnected with, we missed being friends and things were really going well talking and being friends again, he was really important to me! but my boyfriend saw this as yet another thing i was doing wrong. when he decided i was cheating, that become his focus of alcoholic rage. nearly every time he got drunk, which was several times a week, he would accuse me of things, he would yell and scream, he would call me horrible names and make me cry for literal hours, he never hit me but that shouldnt even matter, i was emotionally battered and mentally bruised and everything hurt. he gaslit me into believing i said and did things i never said or did, i admitted to things that were not real, and then i was yelled at for admitting them. i didnt know what to do.

he was threatening my ex too, he would get drunk and say he knew where he lived (he didnt) or he knew what car he drove (he didnt) and explained to me many times that although he had never killed someone, people had been killed before at his command. he said a bullet in the back of my ex’s brain was just a phone call and $500 away. somedays he would tell me he was just going to do it himself, with a hammer, or a kitchen knife, or whatever weapon he could get his hands on during his explanation of how he would do it. my only option was to agree, to say it didnt matter to me what happened to him, i had to pretend my on

/ly concern was him going to jail for the crime, if i showed any sign that i didn’t want my ex murdered, it clearly meant i was cheating on him.

i pretended to block my ex on social media to get him off my back and it worked a little bit but he still brought it up. and even if he didnt directly mention him, he would always tell me when he was drunk that i was the cause of all his problems, i was why he was so self conscious, i was why he drank so much, i was why he had to work so hard, i was why every single issue he had was happening. logically i knew it was wrong, but i was so conditioned to it by then that i just went with it. i knew that agreeing and apologizing made the fighting end quicker.

things spiraled this past summer. his job needed us to relocate so we moved like 4 states away, away from all my family and friends, and lived in a tiny hotel room for a month. during this time, his drinking was somehow worse. he was drunk literally every night but he was passing out so we didnt fight and i was relieved. i was depressed being stuck in the hotel room all day alone, but thankful i wasnt being abused at least. then he started getting into drunken fistfights with his coworkers in the hotel parking lot. one day he came home just in time to find one of his drunk coworkers trying to break into the room with me there desperately trying to keep him out. i was terrified and wanted to go home but he convinced me to stay. a couple weeks after that we travelled for his work again several more states away. his drinking got a little bit better here, but i was so depressed and lonely, i was so isolated, he was all i saw day in and day out besides his coworkers and i was nervous around them. one day the guy who tried to break in on me, purposefully, while drunk, hit another coworkers car and totaled it and tried to run the guy over and i saw the whole thing. a week later my boyfriend was also fired because he got so drunk he passed out in the hotel parking lot and the company needed to save face with the hotel after the whole car incident.

so we travelled back home, but not my home, to his where we lived isolated on a mountain with no phone signal or wifi. the house was old and not well kept from being empty for several years, half the appliances didnt work. i was more isolated than i have ever been in my life. for 4 months i stayed there and just dreaded him coming home because i knew he would be drunk again and he'd yell or accuse me of things or otherwise belittle me. it was horrible. my friends all said to leave and my parents said to leave but i was so brainwashed into thinking that if i was just a good little housewife and if i just stayed home and did the dishes and the laundry that he would be nicer but he still found things to point at and say i was cheating. he was also becoming really controlling about my food intake and weight and i already struggle with an eating disorder so that just made me feel even more like i had to stay, my brain felt like if i wasnt under his watchful eye id gain weight again, like somehow it was thanks to him i had lost weight and not my own choices.

one day last week i expressed to him wanting to leave, saying how unhappy i was, i told him how sad i felt and how i didnt think we were such a good match. he didnt take me seriously, so the next day when he got sloppy drunk before 5 pm i packed a small bag and went to my moms. i was just gonna stay for a night or two but he called and screamed at me for leaving without telling him, i told him he just didnt remember me telling him because he was so drunk, and he accused me of not caring about his feelings and made me sound like the bad guy for leaving without his permission. i told him it was just for a few days but the angrier he got the more i knew i was in the right and told him i was done. i told him we were breaking up and id come get my stuff soon.

i got my stuff while he was at work this past weekend and moved in with my best friend. im safe and happy now. things are looking so much better for me and im so thankful to my friends and family who supported me all the way to the end.

i just wanted to make this post because, i know its not mcelroy related, and a lot of ppl probably dont care for stuff like this on this kind of blog, but i think its important.

its important to friends and family of people in abusive relationships to be steady. dont give up your ground. even if the person keeps pushing back and wont leave the person, keep being there for them, it can take a long time, it took me almost 2 years to leave, it takes some people even longer, but just stay there for them and be there for them when they finally make that step. dont give up on them.

and to those who have been in these kinds of relationships, and especially those who are there right now: it is not your fault. it is so, so hard to leave, i know, but please try to find help and support and resources to do it. if all your friends dont like someone, theres a good reason for it. please dont fall into the trap of thinking your friends dont have the best intentions for you. there are so many things you may overlook in the moment that others can see from a mile away are horrible. especially if you have been abused in the past. its incredibly hard to tell what is a red flag when your gut instinct is that anything and everything is a red flag. surround yourself with people who you can trust and listen to them

and trust me, i know how hard it is when youre stuck in that spot of KNOWING you should go but fearing that first step away. its scary. its difficult. but it is worth it. find someone safe you can be with. and if you arent sure, find a reason to leave for just a few days, an excuse, anything. give yourself space from the abuser, tell yourself youre going back in a couple days, just get out from under the thumb long enough to clear your head and things will make more sense with the fog lifted.

when i first got in my car and put my kitten on my lap and told her we were going to my moms for a couple nights, i didnt know if that was the truth. i planned to come back and i knew i didnt want to. i only took enough stuff for a couple days. i couldnt imagine my life changing so drastically. where would i live? how would i make money? who take care of me? i had no clue about any of those things. but after a couple days away I realized i would take care of me. i remembered that i had worked jobs before i was with him, i could do it again. i remembered that i had options of where to live. all of those things were so clouded when i was with him, they felt like impossibilities. once i was away, even just for a short time, things were so much easier to parse.

and i know i had many privileges in this journey not everyone is afforded, and my heart goes out to those who read this and are in this situation and the options i had just arent accessible to you, i am so sorry, i wish i had something more to offer you but all i have is my story, and a wish that it gives you some hope at the very least, and a promise that if you need someone to talk to, im here, i will listen, and you will be heard and loved.

i just want everyone who reads to take something small but important away from it. love your friends, love yourself. please stay safe. please dont give up. remember love should not hurt.

#angus.txt #getting deep in here but it felt good to write #i love u all so much ok pls be good urselves

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fatrainbowmermaidunicorn · 5 years ago

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Promise (Jungkook x You x Yoongi ONESHOT)

MASTERLIST

A/N : And also, I’m trying a new thing here and you are in no way obligated to do it but if any of you like my stories and want to give some support, why not buy me a coffee? ☕💜

“I’m pregnant,”

“Oh fuck,”

Y/N looks at the boy in front of her with wide eyes. Did the firat word that came out from his mouth is oh fuck?

“Jungkook?”

“Are you sure?” He ran his hand through his hair multiple times, brows furrowed. “I mean.. it could be a false positive. We only did it a few times and its your first time too. How can you be pregnant?”

“Well…” Y/N held up the 10 sticks in front of him. 10 sticks of pregnancy tests that has a big fat positive sign on it. “If all 10 of this faulty, then maybe I should just sue the company. And also,” she pass him a slip of paper. “I already went to the doctors to confirm before I came to you. I needed to be sure too,”

“Y/N…” Jungkook weakly took the paper and scan its content. Yes, his girlfriend is a few weeks pregnant.

“We are going to be okay right Kookie? We love each other. And I know we are young, but we can do this right?” Y/N tried to smile, holding his hand. “I can find some work and you can do so many things. You have a bright future ahead of you. You c-”

“Thats exactly it Y/N,” Jungkook cuts her off and pull his hand back.

“W-what do you mean?” She looks at his retracted hand and back up at his face. Something is going to go very wrong, she can feel it.

“We are young. A-and I do have a bright future ahead of me…” Jungkook looks at her with sad eyes. “Y/N… remember that audition I went to?”

“Y-yeah?”

“I didnt win that but I got 7 different other offers instead and I have chosen one. I’m going to be a trainee. A trainee to become an idol!” Jungkook smile. Y/N knows this has been his long time dream. She wont stop him from going right?

Y/N looks at the smiling boy in front of her.

“You got in?!” She jumped excitedly and hugged him. “Then whats the problem? You can train and I’ll find work for a few years first until you debut. We can stay in Seoul together Kookie and start a new life!” Y/N grins. “I know you will debut and be successful one day. You are Jeon Jungkook, I believe in you Kookie,”

“Y/N…” Jungkook pushes her slowly, breaking the hug and is met with confusion from her. “I cant bring you… I… uh… I am not allowed to date until I debut and a few years after that in fact..,”

“W-what?” Y/N was shocked to the core. What is he saying? Is he breaking up with her? When shes carrying his child? “But.. what about..” she looks down and rub her still flat stomach.

“I-I dont know,” Jungkook sighed. “Honestly, I dont. But.. we will find a way, I promise okay?” Jungkook smile and hugs her, kissing her forehead. “I’ll never leave you and our baby alone. You will never ever be alone, I promise,”

/////

“Eommmmaaaaa!”

Y/N was drag out from her memories at the sound of her 5 year old daughter calling her name. She quickly wiped her tears and look at the little girl.

“Yes Jasmine, what is it baby?”

“Until when will grandma sleep in the ground? Its dirty!” She pouted. “Is she not coming home?”

“Well.. baby… grandma uh.. she went to a special place to sleep, and the ground is the way in. She likes that place so much she told me to tell you that she wont be coming back until quite some tine. Okay baby?” Y/N stroke her daughter’s hair softly.

“Okay eomma. But tell her to come back soon. I miss her,”

“I know baby. I know,” Y/N sighed and hugs Jasmine tightly, whispering, “I miss her too. More than you can ever know,”

The day Y/N told Jungkook that she was pregnant was the last day she ever saw or heard from him. He went back home that night, with a promise that everything will be alright, that she wont be alone and he will come up with a plan. But he dissapeared the same night, no texts, no calls, no messages, no one knows where and never came back. Y/N worked hard to raised her daughter up alone with the help of her single mother. Jeon Jasmine, she named her, but she can never answer when the little girl asks why her family name is different than her eomma or where her appa is. Soon, Jasmine stop asking and the three of them live happily together, the memory of Jungkook locked away. Until Y/N’s mother passed away a week ago and Jasmine keep wondering where she went.

Grandma sleeping at a special place is the best excuse she could come up with and after a week, Y/N decided that its time. She have to move on and make new memories someplace else with Jasmine.

A new job, a new place, a new life, just the two of them.

“And baby? We are going to a special place too. Not the same place Grandma went to, but another one okay. Lets go. Pick up your stuffed bunny and lets go okay?” Y/N place her on the ground and picked up the two luggage bags, fitting only the things they needed the most. New memories requires new things, right? and she take a step into a new future, hoping to forget every awful memory that ever happen in Busan.

You promise I’ll never be alone. Then what am I now Jungkook? Y/N sighed and looks down when she felt a tug at her hand and saw Jasmine smiling at her, making her heart soared. Well, Kookie, maybe you are right, I will never be alone afterall.

/////

Y/N looks up from the newspaper in her hand to the small building in front of her. This is the right adress, so this must be the place.

Hiring Coffee Girl

Y/N tapped the newspaper again, takes a deep breath and walks in. Being a coffee girl is not exactly a high paying job, but after dropping out from school to raise Jasmine, Y/N only works a few odd jobs here and there in her small hometown, which means she has no experience to apply for a high paying job in the big city of Seoul. But coffee? That she can do.

“H-hello?” Y/N nervously looks around the building. How can a supposedly entertainment company be this quiet. Yeah, its a small, unknown one, but surely they must have a handful of staff atleast? Theres not even a reception in this building. A building that doesnt even look like an office. Y/N wandered around the building, finding courage in herself to explore more. She came all this way, with what little money she have, she have to ace this interview.

Getting a little deeper into the building, she passed a few closed doors and finally hears music coming from a bright lighted room. With shaky hands and sweaty palms, she makes her way to the room and knock softly on the slightly ajar door.

“H-hello? Is anybody in here?”

No answer.

After knocking a few more times Y/N decided to push the door, only to be greeted by the bright light of the room. With blinking eyes she focuses herself and saw the room is some sort of a music room, with a grand piano located right in the middle of it. But what catches her eyes the most is the man sitting at the piano, head between his hands, slumping in frustration.

Y/N nervously take a few small steps closer and whisper.

“H-hi. Hello? S-sir?”

Still no answer.

“S-sir?” She reached out and tap the man’s shoulder, who immediately whipped his around, glaring at her, making her jump.

“What?!”

“I-I’m sorry. I didnt mean to disturb you but I-”

“Who the hell are you?!” The man turned fully at her and Y/N managed to sink in his features. He is good looking, no doubt. With short black hair, his beautiful pale skin glowing, his dark eyes shooting her death glares.

He is the most beautiful man she has ever seen.

“Are you deaf? Or u cant talk or something?” He waves his hand in front of her, making her jump again. “Heeellloooo?”

“S-sorry. I-im here to interview for the coffee girl position?” She stuttered.

“Do I look like an interviewer to you? Get out from here. This is private practice!” The man huffed and turned back around to his piano, shuffling through his music notes.

“Sorry,” Y/N quickly bows and turned to leave but stopped in her tracks when she heard a loud sigh from that same man, while loudly mumbling to himself.

“What cant I get this next note right? God damn it!” He slammed his hands on the piano keys, making a loud noise. Y/N knew she shouldnt, especially after the man just told her directly to get out but she turned around and approach him anyway.

“M-maybe I can help. M-may I? See? Your music notes?”

He looks up and glares at her.

“You? Coffee girl? What the hell do you know about music?” He scoffs.

“Maybe not as much as you Sir,” Y/N starts to get annoyed. How arrogant is this man? “But it seems like you are stuck and maybe a fresh perspective from a coffee girl can help,” she gritted her teeth, glaring back straight to his face. The man kept quiet for a moment before sighing.

“Fine, what do I have got to lose anyway,”

Y/N smile and took the papers he offered. After reading through and thinking for a moment, she smile.

“How about this? May I?” She gestured to the piano. “Sure. Go ahead,” he scooted a bit to give her space.

“I was thinking of something like this,” she starts to press the keys, making out a beautiful melody that fits the next part of the song perfectly. The man turns to her, mouth gaped open.

“H-how did you think of that? I have spent 4 days locked up in here, trying to think of the perfect continuation for that part!”

“Well,” she smiles, “sometimes a fresh perspective is all you need,”

“Are you sure you are just a coffee girl?” The man looks at her skeptically.

“Well, I am not practically hired yet, but I am hoping I would be. I reaaaaally need a job,” Y/N shrugs.

“No, I mean, you must have some sort of knowledge or maube some dumb luck or talent in music to do this so effortlessly. Who are you?”

“Well.. I do have a big interest in music. Me and my boyfriend, well, uh… my ex boyfriend,” Y/N gave a small smile at the memory of Jungkook, “use to compose songs together. I also studied music a little before I dropped out from school,”

“Do you still need a job?” The man looks at her with a serious face now.

“Yeah. I absolutely need one,”

“Then I am going to get you one,” he flashed a gummy smile and pull her hand.

“Wait, where are we going?!”

“To meet the CEO,”

“C-CEO?! Does the CEO really need to interview me for just a coffeegirl position!?” Y/N shrieked, making the man laugh.

“Of course not. We couldnt care less who will make us coffee. But I am going to make you a song writer for the company,” he grins again.

“W-what?!” Y/N felt dizzy. Is this man for real?

He just smile and continue to drag her to a room on the second floor. Suddenly he stops right before entering the room and smile, his hand shooting out to hers.

“I am going to be your colleague. We are going to spend a lot of time together since we are gonna be writing songs. I should at least know your name coffee girl,” he grins.

“I-Im Y/N. L/N Y/N,” Y/N reached out and shook his hand.

“Hi Y/N. I’m Yoongi. Min Yoongi, and it would be a pleasure to work with you,”

/////

“Working hard?”

Y/N jumped when that soft whisper hits her ears and turned around to smack the source of the voice right in the head.

“Owww!” “Serves you right Min Yoongi!” She pouted. “I told you dont sneak up on me when I am working!”

“But I brought coffee, and donuts. Is that enough to forgive me?” He gave her his famous gummy smile, holding up the tray of hot coffees and brown paperbag filled with donuts.

“Hmmm, depends,” Y/N crosses her arms and pretends to think. “Is it strawberry filled?”

“Of course it is. Dont you know by now to not underestimate Min Yoongi?”

“Then you are forgiven,” she smile and catch the bag that Yoongi threw at her. “Mmhhm delicious!”

Yoongi took a seat in front of her and smile. Writing music time is his favorite part of work. Sure, it has always been his favorite, but ever since that fateful day Y/N walks in looking for the coffeegirl position, it has gone even better.

“So, how was your band mates?”

“Oh right!” Yoongi smile. After years or training and just coped up writing music, he is finally introduced to another 6 trainees that will soon debut with him as part of the same group. Earlier today was the first time they actually officially met each other. Sure, he has seen them around the company sometimes, but never propeely introduced. “They are great. But I am the second oldest. Which means I have 5 bratty little brothes to deal with. I thought having you is punishment enough,” he laughs.

“Yahh. Who are you kidding? You love me,” Y/N giggles and continue to eat her donuts, which fillings has now dripped on her chin. Yoongi smiles at the sight of her scrunching her nose, brows furrowed trying to wipe the mess and mumble only loud enough for him to hear.

“I do. I really do love you,”

“Did you say something?” Y/N looks up at him, taking him by surprise.

“N-no. Just got some inspiration for the music. Stop eating and lets get to work you piggy,” he laughs and ruffles her hair.

“Yah, Im no piggy!” Y/N giggles. “Anyway, how long do you think PD-nim will keep with the rule that only married woman can meet and work with your group? I want to meet them too!” Y/N pouts.

“Well, a rule is a rule, and we are all devastatingly good looking you know, you might fall in love,” he laughs.

“That rule shouldnt apply to me. I have a kid!” Y/N protested. “And I am already working with you, for so many hours a day too! Whats the difference?”

“You might have a kid, but you are still single,” Yoongi rolled her eyes. Y/N had introduced Jasmine to him a month after they started working together, and just like her mother, the little girl managed to win his cold heart in a matter of seconds. “And its different with me. You knew me before I was an idol. Before I get all this cool clothes, 10 inch makeup and this swaggie dance moves. You already see me as a friend,” Yoongi smiles although deep inside he wished Y/N would say something about how he is more than a friend.

Y/N shrugs.

“Whatever. I still think the rule is stupid. I worked here but I cant see them? Stu-pid,” Y/N rolls her eyes and start to work. “But hey, atleast I get to spend time with you. And thats more than enough, right Yoongs?”

Yoongi smile at the nickname.

“Absolutely,”

/////

Y/N woke up that morning with her heart beating fast. She can feel something is happening today but she cant put her finger on what it is. Anxiously, she gets ready, take a shower, prepare breakfast for the two of them and send Jasmine off to school and make her way to the studio. Yoongi has a schedule today, so she will be working alone.

She smile at the thought.

Who knew that grumpy man she accidentally met a year ago, yes, a year ago, become one of her bestfriends and also a member of an idol group. Yoongi has debuted a year ago and to this day, she still dont know who his bandmates are or ever meet them. She always miss their show due to her busy schedule, balancing between work and taking care of Jasmine, and since the group dont have that many shows to begin with, she never get the chance to see them.

1 new message Yoongs 😊

Y/N smile and clicked open the text. She knows hes busy but he never fails to atleast wish her a good morning. Without realizing, her face etched with a huge smile. Y/N shakes her head and clears her throat as she realized what shes doing. Why am I smiling just from his name anyway?

Im taking you to lunch today. You are finally meeting my infamous bandmates. See you at 1 😘

/////

Y/N smoothed down her wrinkled shirt as she paced back and forth in front of the building, waiting for Yoongi. She dont know how to feel right now, nervous? Not exactly. Trying to impress? Not so much. But she do want to atleast look presentable in front of Yoongi’s bandmates. She has been bugging him to let her meet them for a year and now that he managed to do so, she should atleast act her best.

A few minutes later a small van with tinted window stopped in front of the building and out the first face she seens coming out fron the sliding door flashed her a big gummy smile.

“Yoongs!” She jumped and hugs him. Yoongi laugh and hugged her back.

“Wow, someone is excited to see me. I feel so touched,”

“Yah, I’m lonely. Writing songs alone is not as much fun as it sounds okay!” She pouted playfully and smack his chest.

“I know, I know and I’m sorry. To make it up to you, I am finally giving you your wish. Come meet my bandmates,” he takes her hand and leads her closer to the van. One by one they climb out fron the van, smiling, shaling her hands, telling her how they love her songs and how Yoongi talked so much about her.

“Thats Seokjin-hyung, Jimin, Namjoon, Hoseok..” Yoongi peered inside. “Wheres the maknaes?”

“They are coming out. Tae is trying to wake our sleeping beauty,” Jin explained. “Sorry, our youngest like to sleep,” he gave a small laugh.

“Its alright. You guys must be tired. Thank you for still making time to have lunch with me,” Y/N smiles. Before Jin coukd answer, Taehyung climbed out from van.

“Hes awake! I did it. Hi, I’m Taehyung,” he grins and gave his hand for a handshake. Y/N who is still starstruck by his beauty awkwardly take his hand as the “sleeping beauty” everyone talked about climbed out the car, which almost give Y/N a heart attack.

“Hi, sorry, I’m Jung-

“J-Jungkook?”

All six pairs of eyes are opened wide at whats happening in front of them. Their faces turned from Y/N’s shocked face to Jungkook’s disbelief reaction.

“Wait, do you guys know each ot-” Yoongi didnt managed to finish his question when suddenly a pretty girl ran up to the group and hugs Jungkook tight.

“Babyyy, I have waited for so long! Me and the baby is hungry!” She pouted playfully and rubbed the slight bumped on her stomach. Y/N’s mind is spinning as she tries to register what is happening in front of her. “Oh sorry, I didnt realized theres someone else,” the girl giggles and turn to Y/N, bows and sticks out a hand.

“I’m Nayla, Kookies’ fiancee. And this is our soon to be Kookie junior,” she smile and rubbed her stomach again. “And you are?”

“I-I,” Y/N’s eyes flicked over to Jungkook’s face who just look at her with a sad expression. Not sad for the situation, but more like sad for her. “I uh, I have to go,” she bows quickly and ran back inside as fast as she can, leaving everyone in confusion.

/////

“Hey.. Y/N? Are you in here?” Yoongi’s soft voice calls out to here and she sense a figure coming closer to her as she quickly wipes her eyes but to no avail. The tears just keeps on coming. Yoongi sighed and sits on the floor besides her.

“H-how do you know I’ll be here?” She whispered, making Yoongi smile.

“Because, this is your sad room. I know you come here when you had a writers’ block, or you feel like your work is not good enough or when you are feeling anything bad at all,”

“Y-you notice?”

“Of course I do. I just thought you would appreciate it if I leave you alone whenever you come in here,”

“Then why arent you leaving me alone now?”

“Because I dont know what makes you sad this time. And I want to make you feel better. But I cant do that if you wont tell me. So… can you tell me? Please?” Yoongi scooted closer and tuck a stray hair behind her ears. “Please?”

“I-,” Y/N sniffles. “J-Jungkook…”

“You know Jungkook? I know hes a maknae brat, but what could he have done to make you this upset,” Yoongi wondered out loud. “Want me to beat him up?”

Y/N lets out a small smile in between her tears.

“N-no,” she smiles and takes a deep breath. “Jungkook… he uh..” Y/N starts to cry again. “J-Jungkook.. he is… Jasmine’s father,”

“What?!”

“And Yoongi, he has a fiance and a baby on the way!” Y/N burst out crying and Yoongi immediately leap forward and engulfed her in his tight hug. “Im alone Yoongs.. I thought when I find him I wont be alone anymore. B-but.. Jasmine and me will be alone,”

No, Y/N,“ Yoongi strokes her hair softly. “I promise you Y/N. You wont ever be alone. I’ll take care of you. I promise, I’ll take care of you,”

/////

Maybe its true when people say omce you notice or know something, you will never unseen it. After that fateful lunch meet up, Y/N keep seeing Yoongi’s band mates everywhere in the company. Of course, Jeon Jungkook included. Funny how for the one year she worked there, she didnt even crossed their shadow.

Still, she tries her best to avoid them l at any costs until one day, while she went to the rehearsal room early to meet Yoongi. He usually came early to finish a verse or two before their dance rehearsal and Y/N usually meet him there for a little catch up on work and leave before the others arrive. But as she pushed open the door, Yoongi was no where in sight, but she was met with a sweaty, dancing Jungkook instead.

“Oh.. uh, hi,” Jungkook immediately turned off the music player and stops, wiping a small towel over the sweats on his face.

“Uh.. hi.. s-sorry. I was looking for Yoongi. He usually come here early..” Y/N looks down and fiddles with her fingers from the awkward tension. How can she felt awkward with the same guy who whispered words of love in her ear years ago?

“Oh. Something came up, so hyung will arrive a bit late today. You are welcone to wait,” Jungkook motioned to one of the couches.

“Uh.. thanks..” Y/N looks around, still not sure what to do. Should she just leave and text Yoongi?

“So how are you? We havent seen each other for so long,” Jungkook cuts off her thoughts, smiling at her. Y/N looks at him. How can he be so casual when the last time they saw each other is when she told him she was pregnant? And never heard from him again?

“Im good,” she smiles. “Im a song writer now. But of course you know that,” she slapped her forehead. “Obviously I write songs for your band,” she gives a small laugh. Jungkook smiles back at her.

“Yes, you are. So how is working with hyung? We are all scared to disturb him when hes writing, but you seems to be able to work well with him?”

“Yoongi is great actually. And he helped me a lot,” Y/N smile at the thought. “He works really hard. Im actually here becayse he actually always tired to fit in some writing before all of you have to rehearse your dance,”

“Ohhhh, typical hyung,” Jungkook smiles. “But Joonie hyung told me the rap line has something came up today. So they will be late. You want me to take a message?”

“Well…” Y/N thought for a moment. “Yeah, that would be great actually. Just tell him that I cant stay because I need to go school,”

“School?” Jungkook looks at her, confused. “Are you still studying?”

“Oh right no,” Y/N laughs, realizing Jungkook must be confused. “I need to go to Jasmine’s school. They are having a-”

“Jasmine?” Jungkook cocks an eyebrow and Y/N realized she never actually had a chance to introduce him to his daughter. Y/N feels her eyes starts to water and smile softly. This is the forst time Jungkook even hears his daughter’s name.

“Jasmine… well,” she spoke softly, eyes never leaving his. “Jasmine is my daughter. Well, actuallu, she is our daug-”

“Stop,” Jungkook raised his hand to stop her from finishing her sentence. Y/N looks at him with confusion. “Dont finish that sentence. I know what you are trying to say Y/N and I dont want to hear it. I dont want to know about her. At all,”

Y/N felt like her heart stopped. She knows Jungkook most probably dont love her anymore, but she had thought he would atleast feel something for his daughter? A little girl who never knew who her father was.

“Jungkook, I-”

“I know maybe you think by bringing her up I will feel regret, or maybe you can rekindle our love or something,” Jungkook sighed. “But let me tell you this now. I dont know how or what kind of funny joke the universe is trying to pull, that you somehow ended up working here of all places, but we are over. What we had are in the past and we will never be together again. We were teenagers, and I dont think I was even in love with you back then,” Jungkook runs a hand through his hair while Y/N is still dumbfounded about everything he says.

“Jung-”

“Let me finish ok?” He stops her. “I dont regret what I did. I know that makes me an asshole, but I am happy now. I love Nayla. I will do anything for her. And we have a baby on the way. And that baby is my daughter. I love my career and I have a bright future ahead of me, so please, please dont do anything that would jeapordize what I had or I swear Y/N, I’ll make you regret it. Clear?”

Y/N blinked a few times, the pain in her chest is killing her, her eyes trying hard to blink back the tears. Is this the Jungkook that she knows and love? How is he this heartless?

“C-clear,”

“Good,” without hesitation Jungkook turns and plays the song again and continue his dance, leaving Y/N standing there, frozen.

“Hey, you are early today,” Y/N turns and see Yoongi smiling at her. Without realizing, the other members are already entering the room one by one, chit chatting and placing their bags at the corner, ready to rehearse. She lifted her head to look at Jungkook, who is smiling and greeting his hyungs like their conversation never even happened.

“Yeah..” she smile weakly. “I uh just want to tell you that I dont feel well, so I’m gonna head home early today. Have a fun rehearsal,” Y/N smile, bows and quickly ran out before Yoongi can say anything.

/////

He knows. Jungkook knows that Y/N is avoiding him ever since the conversation they had in the rehearsal room. Jungkook didnt regret what he said because he meant every single word. He have a good thing going with Nayla and his career and he doesnt want a blast from the past to ruin it. But why is it he found himself cranking his neck to see if Y/N walks pass the hall? Or feeling irritated that Y/N didnt make any more effort to talk to him, or to introduce Jasmine to him? Or the feeling of extreme annoyance that Yoongi keeps on talking about her? He knows for sure that Yoongi knows about their history. Though his hyung never mentioned anything about it, but from the way Yoongi eyed him up and down or the sarcastic remarks he makes sometimes, Jungkook knows Yoongi knows exactly what happened. But what he doesnt know is, if Yoongi know about that conversation that took place a few days ago.

“Lets go Kookie,” Taehyung nudge him, snapping him out from his thoughts. Taehyung and him wanted to grab some food after the tiring rehearsal while the other hyungs decided to just go back to the dorm and sleep the say away, exhausted. They walked the short distance to their favorite snack stall near the building.

As Taehyung chatted away happily while stuffing his face full, Jungkook caught something at the opposite road in the corner of his eye.

Y/N.

He hasnt seen her for days already. Jungkook keeps on staring, blanking out everything that Taehyung is saying.

What is she doing?

Y/N turns to face him and thats when he realizes that she was talking to a little girl. Jungkook’s heart immediately beats faster at the sight fo the girl’s brown doe eyes, smiling and looking up to her mother with clear adoration.

Jasmine. His daughter.

Jungkook smiles without realizing. Sbe is so beautiful, and happy. Happy without him. Without a father. Because her father disown her. Jungkook’s smile turn to a frown. But the frown gets deeper when he saw Yoongi walks towards them and Jasmine immediately runs to his hyung and hugs him as Yoongi kneels to her height. He saw how Yoongi adjusted his daughter’s beanie and ruffle her hair. And how her tiny hands hugs Yoongi’s neck as he picks her up. How Y/N smiles warmly at the two of them. To everyone else, they look like a freaking happy family. But Jungkook knows better.

Because thats his family. And he wants it back.

/////

Ever since then, Jungkook has been following Y/N’s every step. And hes not being subtle about it either. Hes obviously watching and staying close and keeps on making snide remark about Yoongi and his closeness to her whenever they are together. At one point Y/N have had enough and drag the maknae to an empty rehearsal room.

“Why are you acting like this?”

“I dont know what you mean,” Jungkook shrugs. “Can I go now?”

“No! You know exactly what I mean. Why are you acting like a jealous freak?!” Y/N is frustrated with his behavior

“Fine!” Jungkook raised both his hands. “I dont want you close to hyung. Yoongi hyung,” Jungkook crosses his arms in front of his chest.

“Why the hell not? Hes my friend. And who are you to tell me what to do?!”

“Well, for starters, I’m the father of your daughter. I dont want you to simply let my daughter close to anyone!”

“What?!” Y/N looks at him in disbelief. “You said Jasmine is not your kid remember. What? You suddenly want us back now?!” Y/N scoffs.

“N-no. I dont want that. I just…” Jungkook is loss for words.

“Then what do you want from me Jungkook? You said you dont want me to get close. You said you dont want to get to know your daughter, but you flipped out everytime Im close to Yoongi! What the hell do you want?!”

Jungkook kept quite, his chest heaving heavily from his breath, trying to control his emotions. Y/N takes a deep breath and looks at him.

“Jungkook.. I love you. I admit it. I love you. I still do. Even after years you left me and treating me like crap ever since we met again, I still love you,” Y/N confessed. “Choose me Jungkook. Marry me and lets forget the past mistakes. Be with me. Be here for me, for Jasmine. For once in her life. Marry me Jungkook,”

“I-I cant…”

“You… cant? Why? Why Jungkook? Tell me why!”

“I-I dont know! I dont know okay!But all I know is that I dont want to get married now Y/N. I am still young!” Jungkook lets out his frustration. To be honest, he really dont know how he feels.

“You are engaged to Nayla, Jungkook! Engaged to be freaking married!” Y/N screamed back.

“Nayla and me will only be married in a few years time. We never picked a date yet,” Jungkook justify.

“Then fine, okay. I’ll wait. I have waited for so many years, whats a few more.m right? Jungkook, I love you. Please,” Y/N sniffles. “Please, leave Nayla. We have a family. You, me and Jasmine. Please Jungkook, Nayla will understand. We are a family. We are meant to be together!” Y/N reached out and hold his hand. Hoping this time, he wont leave them again.

“Its not because of Nayla or anyone. Dont you get it?! Its you! I dont want to marry you!”

“W-what?” In shock, Y/N drop his hand, mouth gaping open. Jungkook finally said it. Shes the reason why. Shes the reason why Jasmine doesnr have a father. Jungkook left not because he was afraid of commutmentor anything. Its because… of her. Jungkook just doesnt want to marry her.

“Wait Y/N, thats not what I meant,” Jungkook quickly realized what he said and try to reached for her hand again but she swatted it away.

“No Jungkook. For the first time you left me, I finally understand. Its very clear now why. You dont love me. You never did. And you never will. All this years I thought if I found you, I can trt to make you fall in love with me. But how can I? How can I if you never love me in the first place?” Y/N laughs emotionlessly. “I-Im gonna go,”

“No Y/N, wai-”

“No Jungkook. Let me go. And this time I promise I will leave you alone,”

/////

“Hey…” Yoongi smiles and take sits down on the steps besides her. Y/N quickly try to wipe her flowing tears but failed. Its just too much. “I didnt mean to eavesdrop… but I passed by the rehearsal room, and I kinda heard everything. Are you… okay?”

“Why are you so nice to me Yoongs?” Y/N sniffles, letting her tears flows down. She doesnt want to keep it inside anymore. “I am sure you have better things to do than be with me and all my drama. Than entertaining a kid who is not even yours. You dont have to be nice to me just because you feel like you have to. Im okay,”

“Is that what you think Y/N? That I have to?” Yoongi gave a small laugh. Y/N nodded.

“Im a nobody. Just a small town girl who you helped to get a job. You have big things ahead ready for you Yoongs. And I am sorry I drag you into this,”

“Hey…” Yoongi cups her face to make her look at him. “You might be a small town girl who I helped. But I know for sure that even if I didnt, you will be great elsewhere. So actually, I am the one who should thank tou for picking to work with me,” he flashed his gummy smile, making Y/N smile a little. “Y/N… you might be a small town girl, but you are so much more to me,”

Y/N looks him, confusion clear in her eyes.

“You are the girl whos talent so raw, so amazing, it amazes me. You ate the girl who with just a smile, or even a yawn,” he laughs, “makes my heart beats uncontrollably. I dont know how or when it happens… actually, I do,” Yoongi smiles. “It happens from the first day you tapped my shoulder and said I should open up and listen to some fresh persepctive. My heart cant stop beating at the thought of you ever since then, my mind cant stop thinking about you ever since and I just cant bloody stop smiling at the thought of you, at the sound of your name Y/N. There.. you know everything now. So I hope you dont think that I have to take care of you. I hope you know that I want to take care of you, because the thought of you and Jasmine alone or sad or unhappy makes me want to protect you, love you and just.. make you smile again,”

“Yoongi..,” Y/N whispered his name so softly while his eyes still locks on hers. “I… but I cant-”

“Hey,” he takes her hand and rubs it softly. “I am not telling you all this so that you will forget Jungkook or choose me. Its not my intention. Im telling you all this because you need to know how you make me feel, how important you are, how loved and how I need you. You dont have to say anything,”

“Yoongi…” Y/N cleared her throat, eyes glistening with tears. “I care for you. You are what makes me so strong to be here, to start this new life after I move. To face Jungkook and Nayla everyday. But Yoongi… Jungkook is my-”

“I know,” Yoongi smiles and squeezes her hand. “Jungkook is your first love. And its not easy to forget him. I know he is your first love Y/N, and I dont mind. Because… I am going to be your last love, and I promise I will wait however long that takes,”

Y/N mouth gaped open, but nothing came out. Speechless as she stares at Yoongi’s smiling face.

“I love you Y/N,” he whispered and kisses her forehead. “And you dont have to say anything,”

/////

Jungkook is going crazy. He didnt mean to say what he said. He was just so stressed about his feelings that it just came out. He loves Nayla, and the baby. He is happy. Was happy. Everything changes when Y/N appeared again in his life and he starts to doubt everything.

The jealousy, the longing, the constant nagging from Nayla asking why hes acting different… its all just too much. And when Y/N asks him to pick her, choose her, there and then, he lost it. He was scared, he was lost and he doesnt want to do something he will regret. But apparently, he did it anyway.

Its been a few months since then, and Y/N avoided him like a plague. It doesnt help that Yoongi is helping her to avoid Jungkook too, and worse, that hyung is getting extremely close to her too, and that shameless hyung is no longer hiding his feelings for her. His whole band knows about it now, and theres nothing Jungkook can do to stop him. Jungkook needs to see Y/N, to talk to her, to explain everything. He knows what he wants now. Its very clear now. He loves Y/N. He wants to be in her life again, to be Jasmine’s father, to watch her grow up with Y/N by his side. Never again missing anything in her life. Jungkook will be damned if he lets Y/N go to Yoongi. His own band mate. His own hyung. But what if its too late? What if Y/N stops loving him in this past few months? What if he lost his chances for good. He needs to see her.

And he needs to see her now.

“Y/N, please. Just hear me out,” Jungkook pulls her hand before she could escaped. After months trying, he finally gets hold of her writing schedule and waited at the music room where she and Yoongi always work together. He made sure its the day where Y/N is alone, no hyung in sight and waited for her for hours until she showed up. She has no where no run now.

“I have nothing to say to you Jungkook,” Y/N tries to escape but failed.

“But I do. So you need to listen!” Jungkook gripped her hand. “Please?” Y/N sighed and nodded. She cant never resist thise doe eyes.

“Thankyou,” he gives her a small smile. “Y/N, first I want to say I’m sorry. Sorry for saying I dont want to marry you. Sorry for saying I dont want to get to know our daughter. And most of all… sorry for leaving you all those years ago.. when I promised you that you wouldnt be alone,” he takes a deep breath. “I regret everything I did to you. I was stupid, a brat and selfish. I know that. But I also know one thing… I know that I love you. In love with you. And I dont want to live another day without you,”

Jungkook stops and looks at her, trying to gauge her reaction, but nothing. He cant read whats shes feeling, so he decides to continue.

“Y/N… I’ll do anything. I’ll go as fast as you want or as slow as you want. If you want to get married now, lets do that. If you want to wait for 10 more years, I’ll do that too. Please Y/N, you dont have to forgive me, but please, accept me…”

“What about Nayla?” Y/N finally speaks after being quite for a while.

“Nayla..” Jungkook sighs.“Theres something you should know Y/N. That baby.. its not mine,” Y/N gasps, surprised by his confession. “You see… I have been chasing after Nayla for quite some time… but she has always been in love with this one guy, her ex boyfriend. Then one day, she came to me crying, saying shes pregnant and her boyfriend left her… she was scared, and alone.. and for the first time, she said she wanted me. I said yes. I accepted her, and accepted her baby as my own. But.. she left… the guy came back, said he wanted her back and she went back to him. Nayla is not a problem to us anymore Y/N. We can be together,” Jungkook smiles.

After a moment of silence, Y/N lets out a long laugh.

“Y-Y/N?”

“So thats why you are acting like this. Because Nayla left you? Thats it isnt it?”

“What?! No!” Jungkook panics as he realized what Y/N must be thinking about. “No Y/N. I have realized long before she left me that I love you. I want to be with you. You and Jasmine. You!” He held her hand tightly. “Please, believe me Y/N,”

“How can I Jungkook? You have done nothing but breaks my heart and hurt me…”

“I know, I know. But I promise. And this time I really promise, that I will spend the rest of our lives to prove to you that I love you. To shower you with the love that you deserve. To be the father that our daughter deserve. Y/N… I know you still love me,” he places her hand in his heart. “And I promise, you will never be alone again. I will show you how much I love you. I love you Y/N. I love you with everything I got,”

Y/N looks down and looks back up to the face that she had always, always love. The face that he always longed for. Slowly, a smile appeared on her face.

“I love you,” Jungkook smile and leans closer, to finally give her the kiss she has been waiting for so long.

/////

Yoongi immediately turns away from the door and walks out from the building. He is pretty sure Y/N wouldnt notice that he missed their session today.

He was so excited to surprise her today, bringing her favorite donuts. Y/N has been happier lately, and they have been so much closer ever since the Jungkook situation. Yoongi had thought he actually stands a chance. That Y/N has finally moved on ftom her first love. From the speeech he hears Jungkook gave her, and that smile on her face before he leans in to kiss her… well, he knows hows thats going to end.

Yoongi sat at the bench along the road alone, munching on the donuts he bought slowly. This is where he usually meets with Y/N and Jasmine, before they went off for some food or fun activities on his free day. None of that anymore. He is sure Jungkook will be doing that with her now. Yoongi sighed.

“How can someone sounds so sad while eating such delicious donuts?” Yoongi immediately turns around to the sound of the voice and see Y/N walking towards her, smiling. Ia she here to tell him about her and Jungkook. He dont need to know. “And Min Yoongi, are you eating my favorite donuts alone?!”

Yoongi try to give her a smile and pass the bag to her. Y/N smile and take a seat besides him.

“Why the long face?”

“Nothing you need to know,” Yoongi shrugs. “You look happy today,”

“Yes. Its a good day today,”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I fell in love,” Y/N smiles and Yoongi felt his heart breaking.

“Well.. good for you then. I have to go. Ill see you?” He starts to stands up to leave but Y/N pulls his hand.

“Wait. Dont you want to know more?”

“Actually no,” Yoongi shakes his head and try to break free but Y/N tighten her grip and frown.

“No sit,” and Yoongi has no other choice but to follow. “I had a talk with Jungkook today,”

Yoongi kept quiet, wondering why he is putting himself through this hell.

“He told me he regrets everything he ever said, or did to me. He told me he wanted to try again. To be with me. To be with Jasmine. He said he finally realizes what he wants, that he loves me. And wants to spend the rest of our lives together. Its everything I wanted to hear Yoongi,” Y/N smile.

“Yeah? Congratulations. I am very happy for you,” Yoongi forced a smile.

“And do you know what I think about while he is saying all that?”

Yoongi shrugs.

“All I can think about is how I dont want any of that from him anymore. Instesd, all I can think about is all the days I spent with you. To spend my days with you. Laughing and having fun with Jasmine and you. The way you smile, the way you always here to listen to me, the way you care, the way you… love me…”

Yoongi feels his heart beats faster but his tounge is tied.

“And I realized… that I want to be all of that to you too. I want to be the face you remember, I want to take care of you, to listen to you, to make you smile, to make you laugh. Yoongi, do you know what I’m trying to say?”

“I-Im not sure? Maybe you can enlighten me?” Yoongi tries to keep a straight face but he cant keep his gummy smile from showing.

“Min Yoongi, I love you,” Y/N grins. “And I want to be your last love too. No, I’m gonna be your last love, and it starts now,”

/////

“I love you,” Jungkook smile and leans closer, to finally give her the kiss she has been waiting for so long.

Y/N stops him before his lips can touch hers and smile.

“Y/N? Whats wrong?”

“I dont love you anymore Jeon Jungkook. And I promised you that I’ll leave you alone remember? And unlike you, I always keeps my promises,”

#bts #bangtan boys #bangtan seonyeondan #bts fiction #bts fanfic #jeon jungkook #BTS jungkook #jungkook scenario #jungkook angst #jungkook fiction #kpop #kpop fanfic #kpop scenario #min yoongi #bts yoongi #bts suga #min suga #yoongi fanfic #yoongi angst

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tfw-no-tennis · 5 years ago

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hhhhhhxh

more abt hxh bc my last post was too long n i had to split it off holla

so i left off talking abt when gon woke up....i love how polite gon is to pretty much everyone - hes such a good lad all the time. s/o to his aunt for raising him right (tho i think hes also just a rlly good boy inherently too)

also is he named gon bc ging was like ha ha im boutta be GONe lol seeya kid!!!! like ????

i find it interesting that kurapika and hisoka fought....we really havent seen them interact at all yet. also hisoka is so smirk-y i hate that bitch...what did he say to kurapika??????

this poor red shirt old guy lmao hisoka is SO clearly uninterested in fighting him and then he fucking dies. rip mdude

what did hisoka whisper to HIM??? guess we’ll never know #RIPLegend

oh mannnn if killua had just won against pokkle then he wouldnt have had to deal with illumi doing That to him :( my smug son......

leorio is such a good dude....also its so funny to me how tall and lanky leorio is, espec compared to the other 3 main characters lmaoooo

or maybe those 3 are just rlly short??? i mean gon and killua are literally 12, but whats kurapikas excuse

GODDDD I HATE THIS BIIIIITCH. FUCK OFFFFFFF tho the evil piano music slaps. but jeeeeesus illumi is so creepy and awful, and seeing him take off his disguise is not any better a second time...he and hisoka truly deserve each other wrow

does illumi have hair powers??? cause it kinda looks like it. or maybe hes just gay and dramatic

ok but the sick electric guitar riff (?) that played when illumis face was revealed was lowkey kinda hilarious

man i was so wrong abt killua knowing that that was illumi :( poor kid

killua is immediately freaking out and meanwhile illumi looks bored as hell. dude ur the worst

killua: [freaking out] illumi, completely blank-faced: hey

I HATE HIMMMM even tho his catman design is regrettably kinda cute

why do illumi and hisoka both have such snatched waists i hate this

wtf so killua has another different brother??? i assumed he attacked illumi....how many fuckgin zoldyk sibling are there?????

leorio ur too normie for this conversation lmao. also wow fucked up family huh

killua looks so like...small and helpless, which is so at odds from what we’ve seen of him so far :( this poor kid

illumi totally has some weird brain powers man callin it now

gon: wow killuas family sounds wack... satotz: oh lmao you havent even heard the rest

KILLUA ;_;

this poor baby assassin :( :( :(

IMMM INCONSOLABLE. HE WANTS TO BE FRIENDS W/GON.......ARE YOU KIDDING....AUGHHHHHHHH

meanwhile gon decided he and killua are BEST FRIENDS like 10 mins after they met. GOD

like in the recap ep he called killua his best friend ;_; and meanwhile killua doesnt even think they ARE friends god destroy me

this calming classical music is throwing me off vbhjfjhbsdkgndks

i sense that leorio and kurapika are rapidly acquiring a new son

DAMN THIS IS SO FUUUUCKEDDDDD illumi is such a crusty bitch wow. leave killua alone asshole

all that stuff abt killua like, only thinking he wants to befriend gon but really wanting to kill him....that sure sounds like some ‘worst fears’ type of shit for someone like killua....illumi is such a classic abuser wow

i have 2 know is satotz like, repeating this entire conversation verbatim in a calming monotone to gon rn. like....

LEORIOOOOO I LOVE UUUUUUUU AUGHHHH him telling killua it doesnt matter if illumi is his brother, fuck that guy, beat him up as usual and leave.....ooooughhhh leorio is such a good dude ;_;

and the OF COURSE him saying the obvious - that gon and killua are ALREADY friends....i love this, i feel like leorio said all the exact things the audience is thinking...yet it still didnt get thru to killua bc hes so rattled by illumi appearing, and the abuse in general

i think if gon were there things wouldve gone much differently

of COURSE crusty bitch illumi is like oh ok now i have to kill gon.....biiiiitch i hate uuuuu

also that just shows that hes lying to killua (which we already knew obvs), bc if it were inevitable that killua would kill gon to like, test himself or w/e, then why not just wait for that to happen? that would have a much bigger impact on killua than illumi killing gon....its obvious that illumi is just manipulating him, but killua is too BSOD to be able to tell (also, hes 12)

ok bitch illumi is preaching abt not needing friends but he and hisoka are definitely fucking and theyve been teamed up for the entire hunter exam it seems.....what a hypocrite. hate this guy

god im so glad we didnt rlly get to see whatever the fuck illumi did to that random hunter examiner guy’s face. jeeeeesus. also i cant tell but i wonder if him forcing that info out of the guy was the result of his freaky mind powers or if the guy was just like oof ouch pins in me face

LEORIO AND KURAPIKAAAA THE PROTECT GON SQUAD!! and joined by new member hanzo!!! who ironically beat gon up for 3 hours str8 like, a very short amount of time ago lmao. but still i love that sm

illumi u dumb bitch.....tho i dont buy for a minute that he didnt already realize that killing gon would disqualify him...he defs just wanted to get under killuas skin even more :^(

KILLUAAAA ;_; when he goes to step back from illumi but illumi tells him not to....ughhh HATE this guy, leave this poor kid alone. no wonder he wanted to leave

illumi saying theres only 1 way that killua can stop him - does he mean by killing him, or something more specific, like some forbidden zoldyk murder technique?

‘your beloved gon’ wow gay. theyre 12 and theyre dating ok. killua is literally that kid whos like wow i wonder if gon likes me...and meanwhile gon is like wow cant believe me and killua have been dating for 3 months now

leorio saying ‘we wont let him kill you or gon’ ;_; leorio ily sm...thats like the exact right thing to say - hes offering protection and reassurance as an adult figure...unfortunately killua is clearly too freaked out to even process anything outside of illumis gaslighting and abuse

also illumi is defs doing something to killua w/his eyes via his freaky mind powers. js

illumi i hate you stop being weirdly cute. augh

classic abuse tactics, being like ha ha nvm i wasnt gonna kill gon! jk!

killua just shutting down completely after that :( :( noooo

and then he kills that old guy and leaves, ‘proving’ that illumi is right....noooooOOOO

and now we boutta see gon go FULL shounen protag for the first time, oh FUCKKKKKK yesssss

this is the first time we’ve seen gon angry oooh man and of COURSE its on killuas behalf,....im so fuckign emo already looooord

god ok the episode preview where its gon saying ‘do leorio and i look alike?’ YES U DO LOL youre father and son so jot that down

oof, gon and illumi have such fundamentally different POVs on like, family and life and morals, and you can tell by their 4-line exchange before gon does the ICONIC one-handed grab’n’fling

AUGHHHH gon saying hes gonna rescue killua....SO good...he recognizes that killuas family is wack as hell and killua shouldnt be w/them - the classic ingrained ‘found family is more important than blood family’ stuff

tho thats an interesting contrast to gon himself, whos looking for his deadbeat dad

‘but it wasnt his choice’ that so good ily gon BEST boy, hes so perceptive and good......he knows that killuas hand was forced and that he needs to be RESCUED (love that word choice) from his shitty abusive family

of course kurapika and leorio voiced complaints ;_; best parents

kurapika should be a lawyer tbh

leorioooo ;_; such a good dude, saying he should be disqualified instead

HOW is leorio a stronger combatant than that old dude hvbajufjbsja that guy had some moves it seemed, and leorio has,....a knife? a briefcase? the classic premed attitude of ‘fuck it, i could die anytime, lets do this’? like.....cmon vhabjdfjbhsf i refuse to believe this man is of any use in a fight. ill believe it when i see it

pokkle pls ur not plot-important enough to be jumping into this convo rn

tho i am curious abt what hisoka said to kurapika. tho i agree that thats irrelevant to the discussion

gon repeating satotz’s wisdom :’) and saying that killua will definitely pass if he takes the exam again...ough

gon is SO GOOD i cant get over it !!!!!!!!! AUGHHHH....recusing killua from his abusive family and making it so killua never has to see them again is like...so good. what a good good perfect boy.

also thats like, the perfect response to this. killing illumi would just start a ton of drama, and killua would be conflicted abt that....but removing killua from his situation is perfect

ok ive ranted a lot ill talk abt the rest later woohoo

PREDICTIONS:

i predict that hisoka will show up in this upcoming zoldyk arc somewhere bc illumis gonna be in it (i assume) and theyre dating. also hisoka is a central character so itd make sense for him to show up in the second major arc. tho tbh this could end up being completely false and i wouldnt be that shocked lmao

i think leorio is gonna get Big Sad someday bc hes like, so normal compared to the other MCs, and also hes suuuuch a bleeding heart (i love him....) so i feel like thats gonna lead to some sadness for him once his friends start doing crazy shit or w/e

also i predict that if he gets nen itll be like healing nen or st. does that even exist??? idk jack shit abt nen lmao

i think that illumi has hypnosis powers or something, even just based on design alone. it could defs be for aesthetic (character design in hxh is wild), but his eyes look noticeably different from any other characters. also he was doing some freaky shit to killua. also i held this prediction before seeing the part where this is brought up so we’ll see if its right lmao

as for this upcoming arc - ruth and i are wondering if itll be similar to the vinsmoke drama in one piece - character goes back to abusive family, squad goes to rescue them...and then character refuses to be recused. w/sanji it was partially bc the vinsmokes threatened to kill zeff, his TRUE dad, but i predict in this case it could be more like the zoldyks saying ‘look killua these 3 weirdos showed up looking for you, convince them to leave or we’ll kill them’ and killua will be like, oh shit bc like.....think abt it. the vinsmokes targeted zeff (and not the strawhats) bc they knew they could easily kill him. same goes here, i assume - a family of trained assassins vs Good Good Fishing Rod Smell-Power Boy (who hasnt thrown a single punch yet), Lanky Dr Man With A Switchblade We Havent Seen Him Use Onscreen, and Mx 2 Wooden Sticks, Bloodlust, and Arachnophobia - 3 For 1 Deal! its a no-contest. so thats one thing i could see happening, potentially

im way too tired to remember my other predictions rip lmao

#excited 2 see moreeee #lj watches hxh #hxh

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bloomvroom · 4 years ago

Text

vent poetry

anger issue stuff/vindictive fantasies due to cptsd regarding abuser

trigger warning for violence & gore I guess _ Youve been hanging around for a while now, its been some years since you raped me Its been some years since you begged me not to leave you since you asked me “Do you really want to throw all we are away over this?” right in the same day that you raped me

And I hoped id never see your face again after I cut you out of my life and I tried to heal but you wouldnt leave me alone Dragged you inside my mind to school cuz you stalked me outside my house always in presence, moved on my fucking street and you dont like letting go of me And you tore into my family, but yknow they already hated me cuz they didnt wanna believe my dad sexually abused me they already desperately wanted to call me a liar for sure, all to keep their blissfull facade of things being all fine, they just couldnt bring it over themselves to call a 13 year old little girl a liar right back when I cut my dad out of my life too cuz he tried to fucking rape me that one weekend in his new flat after mom left him Yeah youve been the chance they waited for, if it happened more than once, surely the girl is fucking lying right? You gave them the push they needed so they finally could set themselves free from pretending like they give a damn, so they called 16 year old me a liar, oh and you told them you raped me on accident, oh but like theyd have prefered it if you had that left part out but they made do with what you gave, I did some sorta roleplays with you, so you couldnt differniate, right? Doesnt matter that they never asked for my version of the events, or that you raped me out of nowhere, no sexual activity prior to it at all, no roleplay, nothing at all, they took it from there and came up with more excuses to explain away how obviously traumatized I am, my aunts husband said my mom didnt stop me from watching violent manga porn in my childhood and thats why im so fucked up now, I have no fucking clue where he got that from, for sure, but its quite of concerning that he knew I saw that sort of media in my childhood, but for real, my dad was the one actively telling me to go look up this sort of porn, after hes been showing me lolicon anime cuz he tried to groom me with it, after he instructed me to masturbate to hentai cuz he liked watching me, ah but whatever, they dont care abt that, do they?

Cuz they only care about the way youve came into their life and gave them the blessing of finally getting to call me a liar out loud, oh youve given them what they wanted, youre so buddy buddy now, and they never wanted to question how fucking creepy it is for a guy to actively befriend the family of a girl that has claimed shes been raped by the guy, how fucking weird it is that this girl went to a lawyer to get help cuz the guys been stalking her, and how they might be part of that stalking too, oh but why would ever question anything? anyhow? why would they?

They even let you move in with them, yeah why would the guy that shes accused of having raped her and stalking her wanna move in with her family after shes refused any sort of contact with him no matter how much he pushed for it? What kind of guy would do this knowing its gonna hurt her? its gonna devastate her? Yeah, what sort of powerhungry guy would - hey what again is rape most of the time motivated by? A hunger for power? A thirst for control? Mh, I wonder - I wonder how long you can hold your breath wasting your life creeping on me, over your inability to get over that I had the audacity to leave your ass after you raped me, thinking that id just move on and not leave u for it, oh for someone that obsessed about me for such a long time its like you barely even knew me,

And I know I should feel like crying when I think of it but all I feel is the shivering in my arms and legs from the adrenaline, and the waves of rage and violent urges that wash over me when I remember what the world let you get away with, when I remember my pathetic family and their farce when I remember how much of a dissapointment youve turned out to be, You should have really known so much fucking better than that, your own mother liked to get to close to you for comfort in your own childhood, you know what it feels like to be preyed on, yet you continued the cycle of abuse its pathetic, cuz I trusted you so much, trusted you in a world where barely anybody understands what its like if a parent sexually abuses you as a child, and you knew what its like, cuz it happened to you too, I trusted you to want to be better than that, I trusted that you wanted to heal and recover just like me, but boy was I wrong

You acted out on me, got triggered for sure, but you cant heal from what you refuse to see yourself as victimized of, you never liked accepting that what your mom did to you is really that bad, you held me so tightly and told me youd never let me go now that you know that I wont judge you for what youve been through, you cried in my arms that day, when we still were a couple, and you said somewhere you know what your mom did really counted as sexual abuse but you just cant let go of the illusion that she loves you, cant let go of the illusion that it wasnt even that bad, that it didnt count cuz only women can get victimized but that it feels so good to finally get to feel vulnerable, and youd never let go of me, and you do everything to make sure what happened to me never repeats

few months later you raped me’ and now youre crying out loud for gods sake just leave me the fuck alone, I cant cope with the amount of urges to murder you I get, but sadly enough I know thats sorta what youre getting at here, I know deep inside you just hope I snap and kill you cuz you cant get what you did out of you, cant get what she did to you out of you and now youre turning it around on me, and you hate me so vehemently hate me for leaving you, hate me for having been kind to you before, yeah, hate me cuz you cant have me, hate me cause you hate yourself, hate me cause youd like to end your miserable life cuz you know you cant take back what you did, well ive no sympathy for you You can beg, and you can threaten and all I do is fantasize about gutting you like a fish, I wanna cut the skin on your back open and unfold it so you can be the angel youve always wanted to be, I wanna stitch that lying mouth of yours shut, I wanna break all your fingers so you regret having ever touched me with them in those ways, I want to step on your body as its bleeding out, I wanna crush your bones with heavy shoes, I wanna hear you break like you tried to break me that day, I wanna stuff your throat full of white feathers so you can know what it felt like to be called “purity in person” too, try coughing up how you really feel, Id like to see you try, put you on a pedastal like you put me with a noose round your neck so you can know how graceful this fall is’

Purity isnt something you can steal, you shouldnt have tried to from me, Purity is something thats not as real as people pretend it is, the childhood innocence you miss, you should admit to why you feel that way, but im out of patience to give advice, youll only obsess over, like you used to, Im saying it now, the only fantasies ive got with you anymore are those in which I torture and kill you for every day you overstayed, for every day you sabotaged me and my life, when you came into my life, and when you left me bruised and more broken than ive ever been before, sabotaged the way I tried to go to school and graduate, stalking me like you did, I tried my best to succeed in life even as you kept trying to drag me down, I kept going anyway, and I did good in my own way, I kept going slower, slower, slower, but I still went my way you could slow me down, but you could never get me to stop never get me to give up, This is one hell of a sick game youve been playing with me, why cant you just accept it? You raped me and theres no second chance after that, You can deny it, try to act like you didnt, but I know you hate yourself for it, dont make it my issue, it makes me so sick when you think I could ever feel anything more for you at this point, more than the urge to grab a knife and slice your throat just to finally put an end to this, an end to this you and me havent been a thing since we’ve been sixteen, but you feel me with such violent shine when my mind goes dark cuz youve been trying to trap me in my own room full of fear cuz you keep reminding me of the way you raped me, oh and I feel like a tiger in a cage, like a tiger in a cage and im about to rip you open with my teeth, But theyd never understand the amount of damage youve dealt to me, would they? Id be the “bad one” So why dont you do me a favour and just kill yourself? You keep clinging to a possible future you had envisioned with me, but I never agreed to that, I always told you if you do something that hurts me, ill leave ya’ and you didnt even think id really do it, I promised you to stay with you for life unless you do something thatll hurt me real bad, you promised you never would, looks like you broke our promise and yet your the one crying out loud feeling the need to make me feel just how angry you are cuz I had the audacity not to stay in an relationship with my rapist

#vent poetry

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rhapsody-in-heaven · 8 years ago

Text

the “perfect girl”

we met at a club.

i had about 8 shots that night. i wasnt drunk, and i didnt feel like i was doing stupid things or anything like that. but with that about of alcohol you couldnt have called me sober.

you danced pretty well. and with the amount of alcohol i had i blurted out “how do you move like that?!” maybe that surprised you, maybe that intrigued you either way we started dancing. at one point you started making out with me. at first it was fine. it was a night out and i was having fun at a club.

but then it got too aggressive, it happened to much and you came on too strong. but i never told you to stop. because im awkward. and i dont have much experience. and i just dont know how to say no once somethings already started. we were dancing for far too long too. my legs were killing me. and although it was fun at first, it got too long and i didnt feel like i was having fun anymore. and again, you were aggressive. eventually my legs couldnt take anymore and i needed to sit down I thought that that was a subtle hint that i was done. you came with me tho. I was sitting with my legs together but you swung them apart, came really close and started stroking my crotch. id be lying if i told u i didnt feel uncomfortable. it was hot, i was tired, and i was sitting with my legs together for a reason. still i didnt know how to tell you no. and no, im not blaming you. you didnt know, i shouldve said something. but i just didnt know how to tell you to stop. maybe you thought i was into it i dunno. i assumed what happens at the club stays at the club, so more or less i was fine. 2am rolled around. the club was closing. you asked if i wanted to go back to your place. I said i didnt think that was a good idea. you backed off. you asked for my facebook ohkay cool - why not? (looking back tho, i regret saying no not that you were a bad guy or anything, but i feel like i unintentionally led you on). and that was that. except it wasnt. you messaged a lot. and in those messages it actually seemed like you wanted to get to know me. that was - unexpected. you told me i was cute and pretty and that you couldnt get me outta your head. and i felt like you were into me. but again, im super inexperienced and i dont like to assume things. you were with me for less than an hour and i wasnt sober. and now i get this vibe that youre into me? very into me. there were times you asked to hang out and trust me i thought about it. you seem like a fine person. but our schedules never really worked out. plus i felt like you were into me and didnt wanna lead you on. then came kosmic. you messaged me asking if i wanted to get a drink. i said sure. i was expecting to pay my own. but you did before i could get the money out. i didnt want you paying because 1. no ones ever done that unless they were a friend. 2. i didnt wanna feel obligated to stay with you because you did. we talked and chatted and u asked me why i never met up with you. if i just broke up with a boyfriend or had another boy or if u werent my type. “ahh” i thought “he is into me” i told you the truth - ive had two boyfriends ive know each of them at least 18 months before starting. truthfully even now i still dont really know what it was you wanted from me. was it a relationship? was it a fling? if you say youre “into me” i kinda get that i peaked your curiosity enough that you wanna know more about me. if you say you “liked” me, that’s where i have a problem. you know nothing about me. that girl you thought i am is not me. you hung out with me while i wasnt even sober for not even an hour. how can you tell me you like me. you say you can be yourself around me. that its so natural to just be you when your around me. i feel awkward right now i feel awkward anytime a guy ive just met is msging me a lot and chasing after me. thats the real me too. the me who goes crazy with her friends is the real me as well. the me who tries to keep it professional at work is me. and the me who cries herself to sleep is me too. im not trying to pretend to be someone im not around you. so yes i feel natural too but my natural around you is not a comfortable natural. its awkward natural.

but you dont know that, you dont even know i feel awkward right now. you know nothing about me. you say that it doesnt matter? ohkay maybe for you it doesnt, but for me it does. we talk for a while. well kinda - its loud and to be honest i cant hear most of whats being said. not exactly the best place to have a conversation. you tell me i dont seem awkward like i said. if only you knew how awkward i felt. this dream girl you have conjured up in your head. the one who you cant get out of your mind. Is. Not. Me. you’ve idealized me into your perfect girl. when the truth is you know NOTHING about me. want an example? you told me that when you go clubbing u usually dunt dance with girls. but you did with me because it felt so natural. i tell you that i dance with anyone i can - thats not to say a lot, thats just to say i dont mind dancing with strangers if its for a night of whole hearted fun. you tell me you didnt know that ....exactly my point. you say we could still have fun tonight. and you start making out with me, so aggressively that I feel like a doll. again, i dunt know how to tell you to stop. you stop for a while give me this shrug like youre done and go in again - and again - and again. “the way you kiss too!” you say. “youre always smiling so i dont wanna stop” I think to myself, im smiling?? riiight i smile when i feel awkward and dunno what to do. omg my personality itself is making him misunderstand.

because at that moment i felt so fucking uncomfortable. i felt like a doll, an object - and yet i still couldnt tell you to stop. im not blaming you, i should have told you, and i really need to learn how to say stop. but if you thought for one second i was enjoying it that just proves how much you dunt know me. it was fine at first, but after it wasnt. and the dancing that night? with you it was never fun. the alcohol in my stomach and the fact ur so aggressive. holding on to me so tight that i felt the need to throw up. and spinning me around so hard you spun me to the ground. yes i had alcohol and i wasnt exactly sober but i danced with others that night but i didnt exactly fall on my butt with them. see when i said i wanted to dance, i wanted to dance with my friends. how do i tell you that this was fun, but i wanna have fun with other people now. i didnt know how. anyways stomach was queezy u were holding onto me too tight. i needed to throw up. so i went to the washroom it wasnt a lot - out and done with in 5 seconds. i came back out - you were there. i get some water, sit for a while and tell you that im heading back down to the dance floor. you lose me in the crowd. i get a message telling me that youre at the bar on the second floor. should i ever wanna come and “hang”.

ive been “hanging” with you for the last 90 mins. i actually felt that was 70 mins too much. i ignore the msg. i have fun dancing with my friends. I regret not leaving after the first 20 mins because i felt like the night would have been so much more fun. youve met me twice in person both times i had a number of shots in my system you see how ridiculous you telling me you like me sounds to me?

you say you dont need to know me, im sorry, i gotta call bullshit on that.

how did you feel when you found out that i could dance with anyone? did u still feel like i was the one sent from heaven?

how was it when you started to realize i was right? that the person you like is not the girl sitting in front of you, but in fact does not exist?

ive said this before and ill say this again, even now, i have no idea what you wanted. was it a relationship? was it a fling? i dont know. but telling me you like me without knowing me and trying to get to know me more as a person is not that convincing after you asked me to go back to your place after that first night at the club. it wasnt the fact that i broke up with someone or that there was someone else it was the fact that i didnt know you and didnt know what youre intentions were. i dont mind flirting at a club and having some dirty fun. as long as it stays there.

and thats what i was doing. i thought thats what you were doing too.

if youre trying to convince me otherwise maybe you shouldnt have made out with me maybe you shouldnt have played with my crotch maybe you shouldnt have asked me to go back to your place. even making out i get, touching my crotch is a step too far, and asking me to go back with you, just feels like youre looking for a one night stand. telling me im the girl you cant get out of your head, who you want to get to know on a more emotional level, is not convincing when you stroke my crotch and ask me to go back to your place an hour within meeting eachother without ever asking anything other than my name and my major. that “perfect girl” only exists in your mind. today you message me saying that you were thinking about what i said. why you found me attractive, because you didnt know me i danced with you for so long and that you love dancing. was there something more you were going to say? it seems like a half finished thought, and honestly im kinda curious. but its been a few hours and even though youre online, you havent replied. maybe if you do - ill be completely honest with you and tell you everything i talked about here (in summary of course) but you probably wont.

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