#it rots things. it doesnt rot. it rots THINGS. my idea is that it absorbs the remaining vitality of dead things.

[organised-disaster]

My ugly and unpleasant son Woodrot

Annoying sound warning

[blooming-horticulturalist]

🌿What is wrong with my houseplant? // how to diagnose your houseplant 🌿

　✩ im definitely not a seasoned professional when it comes to houseplants, (i am a professional though) however a lot of basic plant care skills are transferrable, and i wanted to share my process for identifying "the problem" when i see a plant struggling, or my friends & family come to me for help✩

a) first identify the plant. take into account its natural habitat and what the growing conditions would be if it was in the wild. is it a tropical plant? does this plant come from the desert? does this plant usually live in the woods? if youre unsure, then look it up! this will help you get a bearing for what conditions this plant needs in order to survive.

- for instance, a tropical plant would generally need to be watered more often and cant stay dry for long periods of time, due to the natural humidity in that environment. a plant that naturally lives in the woods would likely need dappled or indirect light, due to the plant thriving under the coverage of trees. use logic to clue into the plants needs and research if you aren't sure

b) now that you have an idea of what this plant needs to thrive, compare that to it's current environment. is it getting too much sun? is it too close to the window during the winter and getting cold? is it too humid and keeping the soil too wet? try to match up the environment in your house/building to be as close to its natural environment as possible

c) ok, im pretty sure that its in the right environment, but it's still showing (x) symptom, what now?

i usually go through a mental checklist when diagnosing plants:

water—

- is it being watered enough? feel the soil with your fingers- is the soil bone dry? water it (you can't go wrong watering a bone dry plant, even succulents and cacti).

- is it soaking wet (dripping, pooling water, can be 'wrung out')? how long ago was it watered? a few hours ago, you're probably good. more than a day or two ago— there's a problem. plants need to dry out. check the container its planted in- does it have drainage holes? if not, repot that baby ASAP (and check for root rot)!! does the decorative planter it's sitting in have drainage? — if not you can remedy this by propping the plant up a few inches with a small piece of wood (or honestly anything you can find that's water resistant) so its not sitting in its drained water for days on end.

- is it moist up to a few inches down? it is being watered sufficiently 🌿 check if it needs to be watered when the top few inches are dry and go ahead and soak that baby if it does.

common symptoms of watering issues: drooping leaves/wilt, shriveled up and dropping dry leaves, rotting leaves (for succulents being overwatered especially), yellowing or browning on the edges

light- are the leaves turning a light yellow color? are you noticing leggy growth (where the stem grows long without producing a lot of leaves)? it's not getting enough sun! if its in low light move it to indirect or diffused light, and if you're still having the same issue after some time, move it into a spot where it will get hit by a sunbeam.

are the leaves turning a brown color? do they look burnt? are they getting dry and shriveled up? are they getting dull/dusty? could be too much light, move it to indirect light and see if that fixes it— if not, look for other symptoms.

potting space/ root issues:

DO NOT i repeat DO NOT repot your plants in autumn/winter

check your roots, like physically take the plant out of the pot or flip it over.

are the roots coming out of the bottom? not necessarily a bad thing, if the plant likes being hugged— definitely check for plant specific needs at this point and keep an eye on it. if you notice it dries out unreasonably fast, youre going to want to repot it. (ONLY if its spring/early summer). the plant doesnt have any room to absorb water. find a pot two inches in diameter larger than its current pot and, yk, repot it. plants get overwhelmed if its any larger and it wont have room to spread its roots if its too small. 2 inches is the sweet spot.

are the roots brown? take it out of the pot and smell it, does it smell rotted? most likely root rot. an easy fix— remove the plant, remove the soil, rinse it off, cut off rotted roots, repot it in new soil, and make sure its getting adequate time and drainage to dry out in between watering.

nutrients:

if you've checked for everything else and your plant is still wilting, it could need more nutrients. a really big tell of this is that its not producing new leaves or flowering, its staying stagnant and conserving it's energy. you can easily fix this by getting fertilizer sticks, powder, etc. from the store.

pests and fungi:

this one is the hardest and most complicated to identify.

if it's growing brown spots in the middle of the plant or you notice leaves rotting, there could be a fungus or mold issue. you can try spraying the soil with neem oil or hydrogen peroxide! if that doesnt work you're going to want to take steps to repot it in clean soil. a common cause of this is overwatering and humidity, so make sure youre letting your plant dry out (and even wilt a bit) before watering it again.

if youre noticing bugs, little brown or white spots on the back of leaves or stems, excessive wilting and misshapen leaves, holes/damage that you cant find the cause of, or what looks like little cobwebs (spider mites), you're likely looking at pests. you're going to need a chemical (or natural nonchemical) pesticide treatment. if youre unable to identify the pest on your own i recommend taking a sample or picture to your local nursery and asking someone experienced for help and recommendations! your best option for the time being is neem oil spray, as there's no chance of accidentally pesticide burning your plants.

✩　again houseplants aren't my specialty, and a lot of figuring out any issues a plant is having is trial and error and being observant of symptoms. you cant always identify one issue by one symptom, you have to be patient and see how the plant reacts to changes you make!

if youre a beginner, dont get discouraged!! taking care of plants is a learned skill and it takes time and experience to be able to notice patterns.

good luck :) i hope your prescious plant baby survives! feel free to ask me questions if you need help, but no promises I'll be able to. ✩

🌿

[sparkys-ec-corner]

hey your local tbi goblin here to nag you incesantly unt you give the info-(again, please tell me if im being annoying!)

ok i kept this until something came to me and miraculously it did, tbi anon! (watching mario's motheavenly pv helped haha!!)

i dont remember if i mentioned this in any of my previous tbi-related answers, but something i've considered for a very good while is that ma-possessed riliane has a monstrous, "rotting" appearance

ma revealing herself to allen during endgame is quite literally her turning to him, stating her name and her power bursting out of riliane's body. no such thing as the vortex just appearing, no no no!! poor allen gets knocked some meters away from the force of the mini explosion (poor boy tho, witnessing ma screw up with riliane's body like that.......)

some other ideas that are somewhat formed but still subject to change in terms of context:

ma absorbing cain and abel because both were arrogant and stupid enough to try fighting her (how ironic, huh?). hansel also gets absorbed as to save gretel.

amostia waking up once ma awakes within riliane's body and saving allen from her as per gretel's request. he chews out on allen for not noticing that ma was inside of riliane's body, but gretel cuts him off because it wasnt time for fighting; if ma got any closer to any of them and absorbed them, she could forcibly ascend and erase the universe, and although amostia could brag about being the only one who could deal with her, she would surpass him if she absorbed more irregulars.

the "boy, what will you choose?" line from motheavenly changes to "nightking, what will you choose?" and is spoken by amostia

allen yanks ma from riliane's body and hands her out for amostia to fulfill his part of the deal (amostia would help them if he got to kill ma personally). [i can't imagine this scene without feeling catharsis, for whatever reason lol]

hansel giving ma a second chance, because in the end they were all irregulars, therefore all peers. none of them are saints. all have their own sins and regrets. but well, it doesnt work, she doesnt accept it. cue amostia

endgame stuff is so disorganized in my brain, im still figuring out stuff. OOF, sorry!!

[philosophicalparadox]

Dark Headcannons for the Demon Bois, part 1: predatory and dietary habits that are horrifying

You know what, I'm in a hard place right now so I'm going to try to elevate my mood by writing horror HC's because I desperately need to unclutter my brain so here it goes:

Mephisto/Samael

Is a viper, and functions as one.

Is venomous, and has highly hematoxic and mildly neurotoxic venom that causes massive internal bleeding and a sense of drunkenness. Kills humans in about 15 minutes up to two hours, depending on metabolism and level of invenomation. He has limited control of the amount of venom produced since he has no hollow fangs and doesn't inject the venom directly. Kissing him can turn into a kiss of death very quickly if he wants it to or if you're careless.

He uses camoflauge. His entire wardrobe is a bizarre form of blending in by standing out. Predators usually try to make themselves as inconspicuous as possible. He takes advantage of this assumption by being very noticeable, giving his human onlookers a false sense of security. No predator would willingly draw that much attention to themselves, right? Again it's like a hyena - let all the prey know you're there and let them think they're prepared, and then wait for one to drop their guard and attack them from behind.

Alternately, bait them with a lure. Sex is a go-to and tried and true method for this. I suspect he takes a certain pride in eating succubi. They are after all usually the ones to be doing the eating.

Also viperish are his self defense mechanisms, but thats a post for another day

He is designed to be a Human predator, fundamentally. Humans are a prey species that requires a certain amount of specialization, so not many demons actually eat them except opportunistically. Samael is not one of them. His physiology and psyche are designed to prey on humans and human-like things. That being said, humans alone aren't terribly high a energy food source, and for a big demon, that is a big problem. That combined with the Vatican means most of what he eats prey wise are other demons. And half demons.

Samael in mythology was known for eating children. I suspect that the reason Samael has no or very few Nephilim is because he kills and devours them all, in effect re-absorbing any of his transferred power. It is too dangerous to have more than one of himself after all.

Many of his self defense mechanisms are also viperish but thats a post for another day.

Unlike Amaimon, Samael can not eat or digest carrion. He can manage to choke down something a human would get sick from but only because he has a few centuries of antibodies at least.

Amaimon

Kinda already did this but Amaimon is basically a hyena and a komodo dragon combined. He will gladly eat bones and rotten corpses. Including perhaps Naberius and other kin of Rot.

When hunting, Amaimon is a truly terrifying persistence predator. He isn't "fast" in long chases but he is strong and has a lot of stamina. He also has the sense of smell to track for a long long ways.

Being reptilian, Amaimon has an enormous appetite but a slow metabolism. He can go days between meals and then binge on whatever is there.

Amaimon is not venomous - he hardly needs to be, preferring to crush and maim prey to slow it down - but he DOES have intensely caustic stomach acid, which he can regurgitate to severely burn attackers or well armoured prey alike.

Due to his diet of dead things and life in the soil, Amaimon is a carrier of some pretty nasty bacteria in both his mouth and his innards. His saliva and fecal matter are biohazards to most humans.

Lucifer

Lucifer is a quintessential omnivore, akin to a bear or a skunk. Fruit, root vegetables, greens, and opportunistic protein.

Due to his body being in a constant disarray and the status of his intestines being dubious at any given time, Lucifer prefers simple protein sources - fish, legumes, rabbit, chicken - because they're easier to digest.

Also due to his bodily issues, he is one of few among his siblings that really couldn't survive without cooked food. Especially meat. Anything that makes digestion harder is something he can, and has to, live without.

Lucifer does not lack predatory instincts, but he has to be in a real state of desperation to act on them impulsively. That said, he functions perfectly well on his own in a solitary survival situation and has no reason to be remorseful about what he has to kill for his food. Or how he has to kill it.

Which brings me to an interesting point - tool use. Lucifer is fascinated by mechanical things and likes to create and build and do things with his hands. As a result, if he does hunt for prey, in a situation demanding it, he does so with traps and tricks and weapons of his own making.

Egyn

Egyn is very shark like and as such is mostly a carnivore, eating a lot of fish and bivalves - but he also LOVES fatty meats like beef and pork.

He thinks humans taste disgusting and they're too bony anyway, but he will bite if he is scared.

Egyn prefers soft foods that smell good. His sense of smell is his strongest sense, so if doesnt have an appealing odor he won't touch it.

Also has a slow metabolism but is not really as gluttonous as Amaimon.

Iblis

A firecracker that, like Lucifer, prefers food cooked.

Also an omnivore that likes carbs and proteins. High metabolism demands them.

Is not nearly as picky as Egyn or Lucifer but absolutely and passionately hates mushrooms or any other earthy tasting or bitter food.

Astaroth

Has the slowest metabolism of them all and rarely ever needs to eat. When he does, he greatly prefers to either leech (parasitic) or scavenge.

Leeching is done by way of mycellial contact. He is a very, very sneaky and silent predator that consumes the energy of his victims slowly and steadily, often knocking them unconscious with spores, or failing that, poisoning them with toxic mycelium themselves.

Despite the above, Astaroth rarely ever kills his victims. If he does so it's by accident (anaphylaxis) and he makes sure to "use" as much of their body as he can.

Whoo hoo that is a long post. Sorry for the Wall O Text but these ideas (most of which can be found in Savages as well) need to be freed unto the world.

[wincore]

AGREEEE, WORKING OVER THE WEEKEND IS THE WORST esp since im in uni full time and i work 9-5 on the weekends which means... no breaks for me ever.. 🥲

MASSIVE CRUSH ON OIKAWA OMGGG I SUPPORT THIS!!!!! but i am unfortunately much older than 15 and still enamored by 2d men 😔 life’s rough like that HDJWKDJ YES ATSUMU CAUSES PROBLEMS ON PURPOSE.. HES THE WORST!! btw.. ive heard that the oikawa to atsumu stan pipeline is very real... so if u get to s4.. u may develop atsumu brain rot like me 👁_👁

OOO alright run on, extracurricular, vincenzo, true beauty, love alarm, & perfect crime. NOTED!! ive actually been meaning to watch extracurricular for a while now, it looks so interesting!! now that it has the wincore seal of approval i must watch 😤 OMGG SAKURADA DORI I SAW HIM IN ALICE IN BORDERLAND!! super good show but really gore heavy at some points 👁

ahh ok thank u for the reccs, ive been thinking about starting demon slayer too!! shoplifters sounds really interesting :oo crime??? i havent watched a full movie in a while so i will def check it out!! THESE R ALL GOING IN MY NOTES APP.

NEXT YEARRR omg it sounds far away but i know time passes so quickly nowadays so I WILL WISH U LUCK ONCE AGAIN 💛 i hope u update us when the time comes!!

UGHWHHD EVEN THIS SYNOPSIS IS MAKING ME MISS UR WRITING?!? I LOVE THE WAY U WORD IT... “given a choice to pretend, you find that jaehyun is the lesser of the two burdens to bear” AHHHHHHH omg “he’s in a relationship and doesn’t rlly care about the soulmate system” THIS IS ALWAYS SUCH A PAINFUL SCENARIO IN SOULMATE AUS PLSS!!! Wait is the soulmate of yn gonna be an oc/vague character or another member :O EITHER WAY... PAIN! THIS IS GETTING ME SO EXCITED AND U HAVENT EVEN MENTIONED ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT JAEHYUN’S LIKE IN THIS FIC YET

RUNWAY CHARACTER CAMEOOOS YESS I LOVE RUNWAY YN!!!! i actually reread it last night and ugh i was reminded how much i love yns personality... just the process of experiencing all tht self doubt with them!!! so real & makes u root for them :’)

“if jeno plays edward i need him to that apple scene like taemin did” WHHHHHWJDJJWJDBW THIS MADE ME CHOKE ON THE WATER I WAS DRINKING LMFAO

GODDDD THESE TROPE/MEMBER PAIRINGS, HARD AGREE HARD AGREE!!! HAECHAN AND RENJUN ARE E2L 100%!!!! i think bc the ppl in the bff2l category cant convincingly hate yn back LOL

“gets complimented on his lyricism often but like every song’s about you” STOPPPPP HES SO PERFDCT FOR THIS TROPE!!!!!

OMG I SEE EXACTLY WHAT U MEAN ABT SICHENG IN ROYALTY/CHAEBOL AUS... i think like u said it’s because of his poise & the way ppl are generally in awe of him but also bc of his reluctance to open up!! more reserved until he trusts u... funny and kind but sometimes perceived as aloof... those r some prince tendencies! “what are corporate businesses but modern day kingdoms” LMFAOOWJDJ SERIOUSLY THO

“mans really said i will not give you any onscreen idol personality to work with” HDJWJDJWJSJ LITERALLYYYY this is why i have trouble reading jaehyun fics sometimes bc sometimes they can feel “inaccurate” but its mostly just bc there’s no Standard Personality Stereotype to go off of. but a random & uncommon trope i think he’d pair well with is exes to lovers!! Yes im basically just a jaehyun + angst advocate.

“i think most of them would pair well with bff2l??” FACTTTTTTT and no im not just saying this bc its one of my favorite tropes.. heh... i think i told u this before?? but ur like the main reason i started enjoying e2l!!! i didnt like it before bc i love the PINING in bff2l but then i started reading ur works n was like OH SHIT! THERES LOADS OF PINING HERE TOO...

i think yangyang is not bff2l or e2l, he is in his own category which is Annoyer2Lover HDJWKDJ ex: troublemaker, wasted nights

OMGGGG I DID NOT EXPECT ROYALTY AU TO HAVE SUCH A LARGE LEAD IN THE SURVEY??? and cryptids is so low 😔😔 cmon guys, vampires r fun!!!

WE R LITERALLY WRITING ESSAYS TO EACH OTHER RN BUT I LOVE IT 🥺🥺 its a such a nice break to read ur response when im burnt out from studying!!

OMG IM GOING THROUGH #moonwrites AND IM LITERALLY AN IDIOTTTT IVE BEEN OFF TUMBLR FOR SO LONG I DIDNT REALIZE THAT ROMEO ROULETTE HAD A PREVIEW OUT????

“And I get what out of this?” “Me?” IM IN LOVE WITH THIS CHARACTERS PERSONALITY ALREADY LMFAOO

“—and when this whole game you’re playing is over, you’re going to say I rejected you.” ?!?!???? THE WAY JAEHYUN IS A LITTLE SHIT! THEIR PERSONALITIES ARE BOTH SO FUN PLSJWJDJEJ IM MORE EXCITED NOW!!

pls disregard the part in my last ask where i asked abt romeo roulette.... i had no idea all of the information i needed was sitting right in front of me 😔😔

- tata

WHAT 9 TO 5 ON EVERY WEEKEND???? the system has failed you this honestly feels like a villain origin story 😭 when does it get better???

ALSO let me answer the other asks separately for better readability lol we really out here writing essays GOOD THING i have practice writing but like. this is infinitely better to write 🥰

PLSSS SOMETIMES I WILL SEE AN EDIT/TIKTOK OF OIKAWA AND BE LIKE DAMN I REALLY NEED TO CATCH UP I MISS THIS MF also are you daring me to ruin my life for 2d men bc i will do it without hesitation. wait till i watch hq again and get that atsumu brainrot with you he seems annoying enough for me to like ^_^

AND YES PLS I WAS SO ABSORBED IN IT!! extracurricular was the most gripping show i’ve watched in a while like yes enough teen romance give me two unhinged teenagers doing crime 🤩 AND OMG??? THAT’S WHERE WE SAW HIM TOO and although niragi was literally vomit-inducing human trash, sakurada dori is like. a good actor. except i hated coffee&vanilla which starred him it was literally so cringe i couldn’t 😭 i blame the writers for that though. IM EXCITED FOR S2 OF ALICE IN BORDERLAND THO i really like horror (and i can tolerate gore if ive been desensitized enough) and like i read the manga too!!! the games were really interesting (although morbid).

😭😭 MY NOTES APP IS FULL OF RECS FROM FRIENDS ALL OF THEM HATE ME FOR NOT WATCHING THE SHOWS BUT LIKE. i binge 3 or 4 at a time and strike them off and then go 6 months without watching a single tv series hhh.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! I SURE WILL UPDATE !!! it’s so exciting to think about grad school sometimes :33

AHHH IM SO GLAD YOU LIKE IT AND THE PREVIEW TOO SGSDJKDS there’s a few differences in the actual fic i think bc i changed up the language (and i dont remember what else bc i refuse to look at my writing) JAEHYUN RLLY IS A LITTLE SHIT he’ll be like hm yeah im pretty chill :) and then proceed to beat yn at her own game at times. (she wins mostly dw) the fact that i made her soulmate cha eunwoo like girl if i were you i’d crash their relationship 🥱 (jk) but like. jaehyun too is 🤩 despite being dry af

ASDKDSKDS YOU REREAD ALL (ALMOST) 19K WORDS ??? IM SO GLAD YOU LIKE THAT FIC SM AAAAHHH IM FEELING LIKE AN ACTUAL AUTHOR 🥰 i loved runway yn too they were like boss attitude with 20% anxiety.

LOOK JENO BETTER BE PULLING MOVES LIKE THAT TO IMPRESS THE GIRLS 😤 if he hits himself in the forehead with the apple, bonus points bc that was true comedy (as invented by taemin)

AND YES. LIKE I KNOW MARK HATED DONGHYUCK SO MUCH HE WANTED TO LEAVE SM BUT LIKE HE’S TOO NICE WITH EVERYONE ELSE 😭😭😭 i cannot picture him pissed off apart from that summer fight </3

thinking about dejun getting rejected by a girl he wrote a song for. rip brother.

IM GLAD YOU PUT THAT INTO WORDS BC THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT IT IS!!! he’s got all of these regal qualities but he’s still human ykyk so it makes for the most amiable person on earth 😌 i love this characterization of him!!

oof exes to lovers with jaehyun... i had a similar idea a while ago (with theme song sincerity is scary by the 1975) that i discarded bc i don’t think i’m cut out to write that 😭 (YET) so i will keep this is mind. u r so right about jaehyun feeling inaccurate bc it’s like he’s very mild in personality onscreen sometimes?? so him having strong personality traits makes me go 🤔🤔 that man is overreacting. (jkjk but like you get the idea)

WAIT RLLY OMG BC OF ME???? i would never enjoy e2l irl bc irl dudes are 🤢🤢 and if they annoy me i will end them. but in fiction the mutual pining and initial disgust at yourself for liking the other??? helllooo 🤩🤩🤩 especially if it’s in a romcom style <3 bff2l is also better in fiction bc if the relationship doesnt work out irl and the person become uncomfortable with me i will just get annoyed jskshdl

LMAO YOU ARE SO RIGHT ABOUT YANGYANG HE’S JUST THAT™ DUDE skgkhs he feels like someone fun to hang out with but he would annoy you the whole time. also he is cute 🥰

AND EXACTLY!!!! IM HAPPY FOR ROYALTY AUS BUT CMON. LOOK AT THOSE VAMPIRE TEETH. feel like media ruined vampires for people 😔 

THIS IS SUCH A NICE BREAK FROM STUDYING HONESTLY!!!! im like working on two semi-large projects AND studying course and out-of-course material simultaneously so my brain is a little fried. thank u for this 😘

[madeintimeland]

im oversharing this got long sorry. just reminscing on shit ive thought about a million times over again

theres so much art i want to create and so little motivation. i should start smoking weed again bc every time im high i get my best ideas or at least like, it takes away the layer of film over my brain that stops me from being able to come up with creative ideas, but also im scared its going to send me into mental hell again. like i need to be in a perfect state for it lest i fear im going to invoke my months long existential crisis again and i Cannot be doing that shit rn. but also i wonder if its going to be worth it anyways if i can create something to leave on this earth again. like ive been so bad at creativity lately like i want to draw and produce things and im bubbling over with energy and i feel the ideas fermenting in the deep recesses of my brain like theyre nestled into the grooves and folds but i cant access them yet. and i know i can if im stoned. i might turn into a hermit hunched over my tablet all hours of the day just making shit tbh. i absorb so much of the things around me and i know if i try to make something now its going to basically be direct copies of the things i saw but if im high im sure i can actually create something new and beautiful. im scared of being intoxicated again but i was scared to drink again too and i got drunk and proceeded to love it and want to drink every single day because surprise surprise i have alcoholism coded into my dna and consequentially have an addictive personality in general. which is why i felt like my life was useless without weed. all up until i was finally able to get my hands on a stash that would let me smoke whenever i want versus when i would get a small amount every couple of months and completely and utterly fail at ratioing it out and binge it all and then have ridiculously introspective trips where id start to go a little crazy at the end (i have a distinct memory of looking at a meme that had a woman on it and thinking ‘jesus christ... what the fuck is that’ and then spiraled into thinking about how life is pointless but i didnt have enough weed to continue with that train of thought and if i did i may have had my crisis a lot earlier, it was just inevitable) i just felt like being high was the only time i could actually get in touch with my inner self again. like i used to before the thick clouds of depression and psychosis settled in. but then i finally was able to get high for longer than short bursts of time and it all came to a head where my brain broke and i have existential terror now that i feel im going to not be able to deal with confronting again. but every time i say that it never ends up staying permanently, it comes in waves, it all comes in waves. back and forth. i feel beauty in life and then i feel fear. i feel like its all worth it and then i cant stop thinking about the inevitable heat death of the universe and the pointlessness of it all. and then i get a hug or listen to a really good song and i feel like its worth it again. i wonder if this is just a period in my life im not a total stoner or if its actually permanent. anyways point is i want to make so much stuff that my hands ache and my brain rots when i think about how many things inspire me. thats why my aesthetic tag is #inspiration, its been like that for many years now, its stuff that inspires me. but at what point am i going to turn that inspiration into reality? im bad at initiative. my initiative is going to be when i pick up the pot again because im too lethargic and procrastinatey to create the things i want any other time. but when will that be? i cant see a therapist or anything rn and working it out on my own has been mildly successful, not bad, im not spending every single day in terror like i was at this point last year. it started all going away around august after starting in march. march 30th in fact. from then on its been a constant battle with dissociation. funny because just earlier in march was some of the best experiences of my life. i think if lockdown never happened this never would have happened either but at the same time im left wondering how anybody can go through their life without wondering about the meaning of it all and coming out the other side with purpose and resolve. mine was to enjoy myself and find as much beauty and love in life as i can before i die and enhance the lives of the people around me while i can because i feel too small to do anything on a grander scale. and im fine with that, for the most part, but i still get attacked by these waves of thought where i wonder what the purpose of reality is . i always have to smack myself and remind myself no dumbass you already went over this a million times, just enjoy yousrelf while youre here. but when im high its a million times worse cuz the only time i can get my mind off it is when im replacing it with horny thoughts and thats not the only thing i wanna do when im high ofc i want to experience and create and listen to music. but i mean i havent smoked since june. i think the 15th ? i could go back and read my journals to tell exactly when it was but yeah its been almost a year now and i feel like i might have it in me again. i used to love getting high and working on shit so much. some of my best works and most  creative projects and honestly just most enjoyable periods of my life were when i was high. going back to what i was saying about early march 2020 being the best time of my life, idk what it was about me but i was just having a grand old time experiencing absolute beauty playing ark with my friends, feeling so creative and developing new ideas and experiences, and using the freedom and motivation i felt ingame to also want to explore the world irl. i seriously was close to actually finally reading my survival manual and start camping and shit and i wanted to visit my relatives in their hella secluded farmhouse in the middle of fuck nowhere kansas, cuz i did visit there during that time period and i loved it to death, i felt so free. two different relatives actually and they both had that same aesthetic about them. of course they were horribly racist but i mean, thats rural kansas for you. i just wanted to camp in their woods. its funny because that month was simultaneously the best and worst of my life. all because of weed! if i never started smoking or rather never found a reliable source at that point in my life i wonder how i wouldve turned out? id like to chalk this up to fate that im like this, maybe its for the best, maybe smoking again wont help me but maybe it will. i have a way to ease myself back into it i just need that leap of faith and  bravery like i felt when i was drinking again. its funny because i used to be such a fucking druggie and i wanted to get high all the time and then after my existential crisis that all just. stopped. i feell ike everyone i know is sick of me talking about it but it really fundamentally changed me on the inside even if it doesnt seem like it much on the outside so i feel its right of me to talk about it sometimes. it makes me feel better at least. like this is jsut a thing t hat happened, not a fated break from the universe i cant come back from yknow? i dunno. ive rambled on way too fucking long and idk if anyones gonna read this. tldr i want to draw and create so many things and i have too many ideas to deal with but i only feel ill be able to unlock my creativity and motivation if im high but due to bad past experiences im terrified to get high again. i mean ive done and made some pretty cool stuff since then but the motivation and ideas are much fewer and far between compared to the absolute deluge i get when im stoned , whether any of my ideas are actually any good or if they were just high ramblings is up to debate but i think it gave me a really good way of looking at things and i made some pretty cool stuff and i miss it a lot but i dont know if going back to it is going to be a mistake or not and im not brave enough to find out if itll hurt me again or if im ready. yyyyaaaayyyyy hahahaha ✌

[anajuli-mirkstone]

20Q: Tell me about ana-juli as a Kaldorei! Do you think she would radically different? Did you ever plan on her becoming another race? What race would you choose other than the one she is now?

These are truly some mind boggling, thought inducing questions. I love it so much- Ana as a Kaldorei would be the very polar opposite of Ana as a human.

How, you might ask? I will tell you how my dear reader:1. Humans are traditionally raised by two human adults of same sex or opposite sex, a mother and a father in Ana’s case. Very young her parents were taken from her by war and plague, and with this stripping of identity Ana was thrusted into the arms of her spineless, vanity driven aunt and her abusive, power hungry uncle. 

 - Ana originally was meant to be a humble farm girl who would have never known the life she does now. It was with her uncle and aunt Ana was exposed to darker magics by a traveling sales man whom, passing through her family’s estate, owned a wicked book he found she (a potential showing fire Mage) could find great use of (her family oppressed her magics and never allowed her to learn from masters of the craft).- Now, Kaldorei (as I have read, have been told, and believe) are not raised by two single beings. They are raised by the clan of kaldorei and brought up strict on the belief of Elune. While I understand Mage elves are (within thousands of years) transformed into Highelves (quel'dorei), I find it hard to believe they do not still rely on their fellow elves to help them rise into their full potential? I may be wrong, and for that I am sorry.

2. Ana-Juli would have never been exposed to the darker arts. She would have been too absorbed in honing her power of fire, becoming a respectable Noble (albeit discredited by kaldorei ancestors) elf maiden, focused on her studies and her work. She wouldn’t have time to indulge the wicked sinners she has met thus far.- At a young age Ana rejected the theory of nobility, it was all her aunt ever tried to shove onto her shoulders. She drowned Ana in the lifestyle, attempted to forcibly forge her into a Lady of nobility and this drove Ana into being a runaway girl by eleven. She relocated in Eastern Plaguelands and found a home with a backwoods witch. Now even if she never found that sale’s man with the book? She still would have been corrupted by the witch who (as an alchemist) tested and experimented on unsuspecting (but equally sinister) travelers. 

3. Ana-Juli would have never met the Ratking on good terms, and never made friends with the psycho.- Again, Ana would have been raised properly and into a sophisticated woman of noble stature. She would know the Ratking to be a tyrannical dictator who slaughtered masses as he so pleased. She would have worked actively to fight against his cause.

4. She wouldn’t be so chronically depressed or have any similar mental disorders- save the common PTSD. Her self image and self worth would be intact.- I find Kaldorei women (even quel'dorei) to have good senses of self worth, and if Ana were such a race she would never have been exposed to the humiliations of her childhood. Her step-grandma (or adopted? Her uncles/fathers mother) was an evil, vindictive and spiteful woman who tore Ana’s dignity to shreds every chance she got.

5. She would have never been exposed to as much death as she has as a Human.

The only thing that may not change about elven Ana is her kind heart, and good soul (even as a Shadow sworn Ana tends to be merciful). She accepts people’s other beliefs and tolerates others ideas. Harboring hate is exhausting, no matter your race.

-

I have never truly planned her to be anything else. 

Why? 

I always found humans (as the baby race) easy to manipulate. No matter the person, no matter how strong they are, can be torn apart and stitched back together into whatever image is desired. The innocent becoming sinners, sinners becoming saints. What ever you want from them you can achieve it with abit of patience.

Ana makes a good human. She has morals and hesitations, and thinks for herself enough, but the Shadows has its claws in her now. She believes strongly He is the only true Lord of the Gods. There’s no changing her mind. I don’t think she would be as vulnerable as any other race, given they all are brought up in their own cultures and beliefs- It would be totally different.

Now… Unless she were to die? Then she would return a forsaken, which even then she would still be an undead human soooo~… I think that kinda counts? Kinda does, kinda doesnt. 

-

If she were to be any other race I would see her transformed as stated above. Undead human. She’d still lead the cause of a Shadow sworn even in death, the only difference is she may be blessed with the magics of Shadow Priest, a sinister version of her fiery mortal self. I don’t think the same fire magics would flow through dead veins? But even if they did, fire and rot just do not seem like a good combination. Lets go with Shadow magic instead!

Holy cheese balls, @centoridellanir​ I’m sorry it’s such an eyeful!