#it reminds me of the scene from the 2000s wonka movie

[acornered]

My most controversial/pickme opinion is that I simply do not like the chocolate man. I know this is so Hater of me and I can't help it, I just find his vidoes gross and annoying. Sorry I hate fun and whimsy, but all I can think whenever I see his stuff is how wasteful and unnecessary it all is.

Yes the talent, the artistry, the skill and time but...who is eating these concoctions? Are they going to waste?? Do people actually consume and enjoy this food or does it just get thrown out?? Not even taking into account the ethics of sourcing that much chocolate because I'm not qualified to speak on it but it just cringes me out and I can't not think about it whenever his videos cross my dash :/

[allthefilmsiveseenforfree]

The Producers (1968)

I love the Turner Classic Movies Big Screen Classics series, because it gives me the chance to see amazing films from the 20th century that I missed growing up the way they were meant to be seen. So often when I watch movies at home, even ones that I’m excited about, I find myself reaching for my phone to check - nothing honestly. I’m not a Kardashian, I don’t have an empire that depends upon my interaction with the computer that lives in my pocket. So it’s nice to devote my complete and utter attention to these classic films when I get the chance, especially films like The Producers. 

The Producers is one of those movies that I’ve been familiar with my entire life but have never seen. I’ve seen the 2005 version based on the musical, but I was frankly unimpressed by the over-the-top, verging on manic, performances. Golden Age Mel Brooks, though? That’s definitely more my speed. With all that cultural baggage hanging off it, was there any hope of this modest tale about two guys who seek to make the worst flop that Broadway has ever seen living up to the spectacle that it later, ahem, produced? Well...

While some aspects of the movie have not aged quite as well as others, the marks of Mel Brooks’ genius are scattered throughout this picture and the performances by the unbridled Zero Mostel and the sublime Gene Wilder are what really ensured that this movie would still be delighting audiences 50 years later. 

Some thoughts:

Ok. Obviously not every joke is still going to land 50 years later. Pretty much Ulla’s entire part in the movie is pretty cringey. Also the “hahahaha look at those FREAKS” vibe surrounding the clearly queer and gender nonconforming Roger De Bris and Carmen Ghia feels pretty hostile. I mean, we were still up to our eyeballs in gay panic jokes and man-in-a-dress gags in movies through the early 2000s, so it’s not super surprising. I am glad that these bits are brief in this film, and that as a whole, we’ve (mostly) moved our taste in jokes a little bit forward.

That being said, there’s a lot of brilliant stuff in here, not the least of which is the satire of trying to guarantee failure by making a musical called Springtime for Hitler and it, y’know, succeeding. Although, to the audience’s credit, it succeeded because they thought the play was making a mockery of Hitler, not celebrating him. If only that were somehow relevant to the times we live in. 

Kenneth Mars as Franz Liebkin is so fantastically committed to his part and his ridiculous German accent. I’ve seen Young Frankenstein more times than I can count, so I was delighted to see the seeds of his brilliant role in that film, Inspector Kemp, here. 

This movie is QUICK. Like, on the verge of breakneck speed. It feels like we go from Idea to Find the Play to Find the Author to Find Hitler to Opening Night in about 30 minutes! I can’t tell if this is a virtue or not - I certainly was never bored, but I would have loved some more “getting the play up and running” hijinks from Gene Wilder and Zero Mostel.

Speaking of...more and more I’m beginning to think that the greatest talent that we’ve lost in my lifetime was Gene Wilder. What that man could do with a pause. HIs sweet, innocent face morphing into something hysterical and then back again in the blink of an eye is just mesmerizing. it’s so interesting to see little bits and pieces of what he would go on to do later in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and Blazing Saddles and Young Frankenstein. He was one-of-a-kind, and damn this made me miss him.

My only real complaint about this movie is that it’s definitely very obvious that this was Mel Brooks’ directorial debut. Someone once explained to me that when you’re looking at the Best Director Academy Award, you should be thinking about who was the person who best knew where exactly to place the camera? I think about that a lot now when I watch movies, and some of the camera choices here are just bizarre. There’s one crane shot over Central Park where we appear to be zooming in on the characters but instead it zooms into the trees and then does a quick cut to Leo and Max next to a hot dog cart. Reaction shots are too long or not long enough. It’s clear that there was a learning curve going on here, which I don’t begrudge, but it’s definitely noticeable. Thankfully, good writing can make up for a lot of sins.

The way Leo looks at Max during the performance of the play, and his beautiful speech in the courtroom scene knocked me out. It reads so much like a love story! They even have a meet-cute at the beginning, they spend all their time together, they become partners for life essentially, and the looks of sheer adoration they give each other - it’s so sweet and full of love, I really was shocked. I’d be interested to read some queer criticism about this film to see if this reading was a taboo-pushing intention of the film (much like Blazing Saddles was specifically designed to combat and critique racism).

This is a classic for a reason, and, in my humble opinion, far superior to the 2005 adaptation of the musical on the strength of Gene Wilder’s performance alone. We’ve technically got a few more weeks of spring - I’d advise you to make the most of it and revisit this gem that gave us Springtime for Hitler, if only to be reminded of a time when people actually found the idea of Nazis laughable.

[totalconway]

The Right Kinda Fat Shit

A bit of water went under the bridge between acting in ‘The Unsung Docker’ and my next acting job. In that time I got to open for some big name comedians including Steve-O from Jackass, Doug Stanhope, and Donell Rawlings from Chapelle show.

In that same time I was awarded the ‘Fuck off to Melbourne Award’ at the annual Doustie Awards (The Perth Comedy Scene Awards) but I had already set my sights on a move to Sydney to pursue my comedy dream a little less then 2 years into starting stand up.

So after I packed my things and left my job I headed for the big city lights of Sydney. I had only been to Sydney a handful of times prior to moving there, once to see Danny Green vs Anthony Mundine, the second was to see Jay and Silent Bob Live after their Perth show sold out and the third time was to perform at the Sydney Comedy Store to perform at their Christmas show. It was a huge honour for me so early in my comedy career to be invited to perform at the Sydney Comedy Store as it is arguably the best comedy club in Australia. It felt like I was being presented with a black belt for an art form I was still wrapping my head around. My decision to move to Sydney was made easier by the fact that one of my best mates was heading over as well and we agreed to rent together in the inner west suburb of Petersham.

After working for 10 years on the Docks, manual labor jobs was something I was trying to avoid at all costs so I applied for some weird jobs. Some jobs I didn’t even realise were a thing including a job making sales commission on selling Paralympic Pins. After sitting in the interview and listening to the lady explain in a thousand different ways but never actually saying “You will sell Pins for a commission” I politely declined and hauled my unemployed ass back to Petersham.

After the success of ‘The Unsung Docker’ I was keen to dip my toe in the acting pool again, if only to fill in my days of unemployment creatively. I went searching through the website ‘StarNow’, which is essentially the Craiglists of media work and applied for numerous gigs. Along with the short films and University projects I applied for I also applied to be represented by an acting agent so they could make the job search easier for me. After a few days I received a call about my application and they were super keen to have me on their books which was weird because the only film credit I had was ‘The Unsung Docker’. I’ve always been skeptical of people who are too excited to offer me something because 99.9% of the time its something you don’t want.

I reluctantly agreed to sign with them, I figured if this was a scam they wouldn’t be able to get any money out of me because I’m fucking broke but sure enough a week later true to their word they sent me out for my first audition. The gig was paying $2000 for a days work playing a delivery man for a Tatts Lotto commercial. Being $2000 for a days work I wasn’t exactly confident because I felt you needed to have some serious acting chops to make $2000 a day. In my mind that’s like ‘Home and Away’ money. But sure enough, I went to the audition and for the first of many times in my acting career I was the right kinda fat shit.

I don’t remember much of the commercial, it never made it to air. All I remember was pushing an empty refrigerator box and pretending it was full. My experience in manual labour had given me the skills to be able to look like I work harder than I do so I was able to nail the performance. The only other thing I remember from the shoot was that the little girl in the scene was a spoilt little rich kid and was as annoying as fuck for the whole day. She kinda reminded me of Veruca from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory only she didn’t die chasing golden duck eggs.

When the shoot was done I had to wait a few weeks to get paid and after union fees and my agents cut I ended up only making about $1100 which is less Home and Away money and more regular Delivery Man money.

In between acting jobs I was still hitting up ‘StarNow’ to find independent projects to cut my teeth on. Only two stood out, one was playing a a security guard ( I think my character died in it but I don’t remember) the other was me in a suit watching a chick dance in front of me with a red light filling the room. The scene felt like a cross between a David Lynch film and a soft core porno. I have yet to see either of these films but I’m sure I nailed the fat guy character they were looking for.

During this time, I finally buckled on avoiding manual labour work and got a job at the Airport working for REX Airline which is a small regional airline. One of the most brain numbing jobs I ever experienced, so much so I started regretting not taking that sweet sweet Paralympic Pin money. The REX job was to purely help me pay the bills and it barely did that. My excitement for living in the big city lights of Sydney was starting to dimmer.

During one particular shift I got a call from my agent saying that I had been offered another gig. I didn’t even have to audition I just had to meet the director and see if we “vibed”. I asked my agent why I didn’t have to audition for this film and she blew so much smoke up my ass I felt like I was sitting on top of a volcano. She said “I was the best actor on their books”, “how incredibly talented I was”, and “how I have a big future in acting”. Pretty much saying I was the next Heath Ledger and for a millisecond I actually believed it until I read the character description “Fat, Balding, pale, poor skin etc etc”. The gig was for an anti obesity health campaign and I was like, Fuck that! two seconds ago you were describing me as the next Heath Ledger and now you want me to do a role that is me just being a fatty fat boombardy FUCK THAT. Then she said it was paying $5000 so I agreed to do it. 

We didn’t really need an excuse to party in Petersham so being offered $5000 for an acting job is as good as any. We also had friends over from Perth and what better way to celebrate my thriving acting career than getting drunk with the Perth crew. Partying was not the best decision because I ended sleeping in and had to race to the meet and greet with the director stinking of piss (alcohol and my own) looking super haggard and feeling paranoid I may have flushed $5000 down the toilet. I managed to get to the meeting in time by spending my last few bucks on an Uber, walked into the meeting looking disgusting and smelling like an alley way. I walked in to meet the Director gingerly and feeling a bit embarrassed about the state I was in. Too my surprise though, my night on the piss had helped me become the living embodiment of their ‘Fat piece of shit character’ they wanted for the commercial. So I left the meeting on a high but with no more money, I ended up spending the next 3 hours getting home for round 2 of Partying Perth style.

It actually paid about $10,000 because every year it aired I would get paid another $5000 in roll over cost.

The shoot ended up being 3 days and it was pretty chilled, I literally had one scene with no dialogue. I pretty much just had to sit there and be fat and sad which was surprisingly hard considering the guy directing the commercial was mostly known for working on comedies so we had a lot of banter in those 3 days. The third day of the shoot was my time to shine, I had to sit there and be told how my fat is killing me etc etc. It was the most important shot of the commercial because this is where they drive home the point that Fat is Bad.

There was some tension on this day because the big honchos of NSW Health who were paying for the commercial wanted to sit in and watch and make sure the scene was delivering their Fat is Bad message. So my first thought was what better way to show off my comedy skills in front of the director than to crack a joke during this pivotal scene. When the Doctor said to me “All that toxic fat can lead to blah blah... its not looking good” I turned to my wife in the scene and said in the saddest voice I could “I better lay off the meat pies then”, This popped the tension in the room and got the whole crew laughing. Its not the best joke but it was good enough to send the crew into a giggle fit after a hard couple of days. Everyone was laughing except the producer who came marching down yelling and screaming about having a bit of respect for NSW Health who were there and are taking this very seriously (Fuck off cunt). NSW Health have been paying to fat shame me for 3 fucking days, they can go fuck themselves if they can’t handle one Meat Pie joke. Getting told off made the crew laugh even harder. They struggled like school children being told off at an assembly but once everyone got their composure back we shot the scene and it was a wrap. 

After the fat commercial I felt I was done with acting. Don’t get me wrong acting is a lot of fun but it kinda loses its magic when you’re whole role is sitting their looking fat. 

One of the ways I tried reigniting the spark to do acting was when I came across a ‘Kickstarter’ campaign for Troma’s new film Return to Nuke em High Vol 2. Troma was a big part of my childhood with the toy line Toxic Crusaders which was inspired by the animated series and not the incredibly gory live action movies. With ‘Kickstarter’ campaigns they have rewards depending on the amount of money you donate and for $3500 you could have the legendary Lloyd Kauffman direct a 5 minute short film that I would write. I jumped at the opportunity to buy this reward not only would I be following in the same steps as actors like Kevin Costner, Samuel L Jackson, James Gunn who got their start doing Troma films, but it was a great excuse to head over to New York. 

I purchased this reward which was $3500USD, it was not only all the money I made working on the fat commercial but it was also all of my pay from REX Airline for that fortnight after.( I didn’t take into consideration the exchange rate). I made my investment in 2015 and I finally received the DVD copy and posters at the end of 2019. It was a slow process but definitely looking forward to heading over once this COVID-19 shit is over and done with. I don’t think I’ll use the original script I wrote in 2015 called Love/Life about a guy who develops a relationship with the girl who catfished him, she also happens to be a Banshee.

A few months later I got sent for another audition this time it was a paid short film called The Spa. What was the role? Well Fat delivery man of course! but this one was different, it was an amazing script and I actually had dialogue which is always great. 

I ended up scoring the role of Moose and part of the job requirement was having to do table reads with the other cast members. Still being naive I thought this was a bit of over kill for a short film but if I’m getting paid and it gets me out of a days work so I’m happy to do all the table reads you want. I’m glad they did the table reads because when I went in for the rehearsal I was star struck by the cast. 

After the Fat Commercial I had bitch and moaned to the universe to give me a role that would show I could hold my own against the best of the best and not just a guy whose there for being the right kinda fat. In return the universe slapped me into check when I walked in for the first table read and saw the cast that included Chris Haywood, Jay Laga'aia who have pretty much starred in every great piece of Australian cinema and  Peter Moalaeua who I had seen on a bunch of TV commercials. They say be careful what you wish for and I was definitely worried I had bitten off more than I could chew. It was a dream come true to work with the likes of these actors and also a huge motivator to make sure I could hold my own against these acting beast.

The shoot for The Spa was absolutely amazing, working with some of the most talented actors and crew in the country. Watching Chris Haywood and Jay Laga’aia on set was one of the greatest experiences. Observing them walk around just nailing every take and then joking and laughing with the rest of the crew and doing so with absolutely zero ego.

This reminds me, after the shoot Jay Laga’aia drove me as close as he could to my flat in Petersham and then gave me his $50 Taxi gift voucher to help me get the rest of the way home. It was a crazy experience driving home with Jay because we’re talking about comedy and what not and I’m sitting there like Jay Laga’aia is giving me a lift home, this dude was in fucking Star Wars.  

Working on The Spa was an amazing experience and it is incredibly humbling to sit back and watch the success it has had. Being showcased at film festivals all around the world and picking up numerous awards. 

Acting is a weird industry. I’ve loved all the opportunities I’ve gotten, even the shit ones because sometimes you have to work through the Fat Shit Roles to get the skills to be the Fat Shit you’ve always dreamed of. The right kinda fat shit.