#it reminds me of cool about it by boygenius but more focused on feelings than settings | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

mygloviesme · 1 year ago

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cool about it. || myg

no. 15: once, i took your medication to know what it’s like

predebut/debut!yoongi x female idol

summary: kanako is an established idol with a growing career and a secret relationship with a producer from her label, haneul. when she’s asked to work with yoongi and rm to create a track for her, she gains unexpected feelings for a certain upcoming rapper. with her increasing fame, her controlling boyfriend, a set of six boys who seem to have grown an attachment to her, and a new boy who’d give her the world, how will she figure out a way to balance it all?

(definitely inspired by boygenius)

word count: 3.5k

genre: ANGST, friends(?) to lovers, slow burn, fluff

chapter warnings: toxic relationship (not w/myg), mentions of mental health, death of a parent, panic attack

inspo song: not strong enough by boygenius (again)

"i think i've been having revelations."

MARCH 29TH, 2012, 5:30PM

There’s scenes all around the smallness of the hyung line’s kitchen. Jimin leans his frame on the counter and holds a piece of paper in his hand, instructing Taehyung step-by-step. On the other end of the counter is Seokjin who’s placing a loaf of bread in the oven, his fourth one today. Then there’s Namjoon, who’s setting plates and bowls on the table because Seokjin wasn’t quite sure if he wanted Namjoon to do anything else. Hoseok is finishing up the broth of the udon noodles, and Yoongi is helping with the Aemono. Yoongi has always been good with dealing with tasks by himself, and it wasn’t an awful sight to see him so focused.

Seokjin did wake up very early in the morning to do most of the prepping and baking which made me feel special, if I were to be honest.

I didn’t hesitate to thank everyone with every dish they made today. The amount of effort and thought they put into today is more than I expected. They made sure to sit me down so I wouldn’t have to do much, just accepting a spoonful of whatever they were in the process of making. It was mostly bread however, but they insisted on a feast of what my mother made most.

It’s already a bit out of their comfort zone since the rest of them don’t do much cooking or baking in the first place, and it’s a completely different culture. Although my mother was only half Japanese, the only food she’d make was purely that. But I loved it. I can’t remember a time when I was hungry, but if I was, she always knew what to make.

My body is eager to help as always, so as I stand to assist a struggling Taehyung, Yoongi places his hand on my shoulder to sit me back down. “Nuh-uh. Here,” He says and hands me a yaki-onigiri to keep me content. like a child. I bite into it with a slight attitude, giving him a glare.

“Y’know this is torture.” I muffle with a mouth full of rice.

“Don’t be dramatic, Kanako. Just sit back and enjoy leisuring.” He reassures me with a peck on my lips. Kissing him lately has felt like a betrayal due to my past thoughts…and actions.

That night we left Jeju, I might've applied to an abroad program in the United States. I know, I know. But a lot has changed since then, including me. I don’t have a crawling feeling inside to leave anymore. Sort of. I’m content like this. Whatever happens, happens.

If I get accepted I just won’t go, simple as that. I’m needed here, I’m wanted here. I look at Jungkook who shoots me a smile, reminding me of the chosen family I do have. I can ignore the sinking feeling in my chest whenever I’m alone, right? The nights where Yoongi holds me and all I can feel is impending doom. I can ignore it. But maybe ignoring it on a day like this is asking for too much.

“Kay, just a little over a half an hour and everything will be ready.” Taehyung sighs with his hands on his side, clearly tired from all the focusing he’s been doing the past three hours. Jimin gives him a back hug and a small ‘good job’ into his ear. Jimin is definitely up there in my list of most affectionate, but it gets a little smothering when he’s drunk. Which has been happening more often.

Most of the time he and Taehyung will storm through the dorm doors with a bottle of soju and various gas station snacks at nine pm. Going outside for them has gotten easier and Bang-PD has been more lax. Only with them though, with me it’s sort of a non-negotiable that I can’t leave for another month. I don’t necessarily want to see the outside world because I’m not sure what will be waiting for me once I do. If anything at all. Maybe just a few more prying eyes.

I also don’t know if Haneul will ever try to find me again. When tabloids spread the news that I’m out again, what will he try to do? He was best at being unpredictable. It would be a lie if I said that the idea of running into him again didn’t terrify me. One hurdle at a time today though, it’s already hard enough thinking of my mother. Celebrating her, honoring her, is bringing back memories sometimes I wish I could forget.

It reminds me of how good it used to be, how untainted I was. It was like living in a cloud when she was alive. As long as I could go home with her, talk to her about my day, I had no reason to dislike my life. I wouldn’t have felt the need for Haneul to be in my life. To pass over the control and let him steer the wheel. Because we crashed, the car has been totaled, and I think only one of us made it out alive. It’s him. And for the first time, I’m angry about it.

Jungkook drags me out of my day-nightmare with an arm over my shoulder.

“Jungkook, she’s my girlfriend.” Yoongi scoffs. That word makes me flinch and I think Yoongi notices, but I’m too afraid to say anything about it.

Seeing Jungkook be so prideful in the hold he has on my heart makes Yoongi spiral at times. I think I’ve spent more nights being cuddled by the boy than Yoongi.

“And she’s my sister, so now what?” Jungkook replies. Sister. Why did I ever think I could leave?

“Okay you guys, no fighting.” I throw my hands in the air playfully, earning an eye roll from Namjoon. “I think Jungkook has grown attached, Kanako.” He says.

“It’s fun this way,” Jungkook chirps. “It’s not like anything’s ever gonna change so…I think I’ll stay attached.”

Fight or flight. Like instinct. I try to play off shrugging Jungkook off my shoulder and laugh nervously, “Y-Yeah. Nothing is ever…uh- I’m gonna go to the bathroom.” My whisper grows into a shout and I dash to the bathroom. Just to collect myself, because this is one of those moments where I feel like running away.

You would think it has gotten easier, but does this mean they depend on me now? At least Jungkook does, and that itself scares me and excites me. Breathe, Kanako.

I practically jump into the restroom and shut the door. I run to the sink, gripping the counter and shutting my eyes closed. I’m attempting to catch my breath but it’s going faster and faster by the minute. I haven’t had this happen before in a long time, but today would be the day for it to happen for the first time in months. It’s much more agonizing this time. My body is aching underneath my clothes and I can’t find a way to help myself.

There’s a ringing in my ears from how fast I’m breathing, and eventually I start crying. Panic attacks are fear-inducing, especially when it feels like you’re being suffocated by yourself. I can’t balance between crying and breathing so all that’s coming out is short, fast breaths. I hold my chest as if to console my heart, rubbing it because as I start to feel an immense, physical pain. I can’t bite back the sobs anymore to try to keep quiet so I let them out. I don’t realize I’ve fallen to the floor so I try gripping on the tile to see if that would ground me better but it doesn’t.

Everything I learned about controlling these has suddenly left because I’m just a sobbing, almost-fainting mess on the floor.

“Kanako? Are you okay?” I hear a voice from the other side of the door. I can’t respond, not really anyway. A couple sounds come out of me, an attempt to say ‘yes, I’m fine’ but it’s not coherent whatsoever.

I hear the door creak open and see Yoongi with a worried Namjoon behind him. Jungkook follows suit and soon they’re all crowding behind the two men.

“I’m fi- leave…” I cry out, now embarrassed which adds to the panic.

Yoongi gestures for them to step aside as he crouches down to me. My eyes are foggy from my tears and I know I must be a sight to see. Not a good one, one that would make someone scared. I don’t want this to make him scared of me. To run away from me. Why hasn’t this panic attack stopped?

I cover my face with my hands and Yoongi touches my arm which makes me flinch. It’s like all my senses are heightened. Every movement is so sensitive.

“Kanako, breathe with me.”

“I can’t breathe…I can’t.”

He breaks my hands away from the grip on my face, revealing his face to me. He’s calm, collected. But I can see a tinge of worry. I know part of him doesn’t know what to do, but when it

comes to each other, it’s pure instinct. Like I said before. Yoongi has a large part within me that I know so well, and vice versa.

He imitates a slow breath, in and out. I struggle at first, my body shaking with every try. My mouth has formed into a slight pout and my eyebrows are furrowed as I follow him.

“In…and out. One more time.” He whispers. I can see his chest move up and down, his hands moving to my face. His fingers are icy cold against my hot, red cheeks.

“Ts too much.” I mumble. My eyes flutter slowly as I feel my breath regulate. Like I’ve come down from a high, I feel a sense of exhaustion.

“Just one more time for me, baby. One more.” He insists and I follow. His thumb caresses my cheek as we breathe.

Once I’ve calmed down he pulls me into a hug. I can't really reciprocate with my current state, but I try. I feel lightheaded and almost like I can take a really big nap, but I think I just need food in my system. “I’m sorry.” I muffle into the shoulder of his shirt.

I can feel him shake his head, “You have nothing to be sorry for, don’t say that.” He says quietly.

The boys come back one by one, Yoongi helping me stand. My legs feel shaky and I didn’t realize I had been in an uncomfortable position until I’m struggling to walk. Yoongi’s arm is looped around my side and he gives me a warm kiss on the cheek. The boys smile at me softly, Taehyung stopping us as we walk. “Hope this makes you feel better.” He says and gestures for us to meet in the kitchen.

I turn the small corner and see it. The table. It’s lined with so much food, all reminding me of my mother. It smells like our house did. Yoongi let’s go of me and I walk to the food. There’s udon, yaki-onigiri, aemono, and loads of bread placed beautifully in the middle. There’s steam coming off of almost everything, it’s so perfect. It’s for me. It’s for her.

“It’s amazing.” I beam. There’s a couple tears that fall on my already stained face, but these are happy tears. Joyful tears. I feel like a young child again, having everything set for me. I don’t remember things feeling so optimistic until this point. They would do anything for me, wouldn’t they? Just like family. My family. I turn to the boys who wait anxiously.

“She would’ve loved you all.” I whisper.

MARCH 29TH, 2012, 8:23PM

There’s a sizable dent in the food, but it looks like we haven’t even touched the bread. There’s still heaps of it but that’s only because of the amount that Seokjin made. Taehyung and Jimin made two, so when you see it all sliced up in front of you, it could make a mini-bakery.

“-And then I told her about him, she made him this bread and insisted I gift it to his mom.” I laugh, explaining the story of my first boyfriend in grade school. I was only nine but my mom loved being over-the-top. She always talked to me about my wedding, we’d plan it out, rehearse what it would look like. She’d spend hours on a ‘wedding dinner’ just so we could have fun playing pretend. I always knew she would put her all into it. She did it with everything else.

Nothing was too small of a celebration for her. Although she only worked as a grocery clerk at the market down the street, she made sure I never knew about her financial troubles. Still, my belly was always full and she made sure to surprise me all the time with clothes and accessories. I never knew where she got any of them, but I assume she might’ve snuck herself into the lost and found once in a while. Just something I think she’d do, including what her close friend from Japan has told me.

Right or wrong, she cared. I was happy.

“Kanako, I hope I’m not speaking out of turn…” Namjoon trails off, and I nod as if to give him permission to continue.

“Who did you…stay with? After she passed.” He asks quietly. I take a deep breath when I think of the answer, memories resurfacing once again. Yoongi, I know, probably wants to scold Namjoon but it’s a good question. I want them to know more about me. It feels safe enough to open up.

“Well, my mom had a friend in Japan. Her name is Rie, and she basically dropped everything to come be my legal guardian. There were some complications, though. After a while things got weird because of certain assets my mom passed down to me instead of her. She was mourning still and I think she just sort of took it out on me. She signed all my paperwork so I could be a trainee here but fled after that. She doesn’t ever call me, not that I would’ve known the past couple months. I don’t know, it’s complicated.” I shrug.

Jungkook furrows his brows, “She took it out on you?”

“I mean like, yeah. I didn’t take it personally because I was never close with her. I think she saw me as this attachment to my mom she wanted to forget. It was never anything bad. She would just leave money for me to buy dinner, never take me to appointments, stuff like that. It was a pretty hard two years.” I admit, picking at the vegetables in front of me.

The boys are dumbfounded, having never heard of Rie until now. It feels the same for me in a way. She was so absent in my life, I only ever saw her in court for the majority of those years. She never looked at me or talked to me. I was hurt because of it. I needed someone, but she made it clear that that person would never be her. So I forgot about it. All about her and Japan and any remnants of me that still lingered there. In come Haneul.

“We’ll take care of you now.” Jungkook says.

My brain feels fuzzy as I speak, “I-I know. And I wanted you all to know that,” I perk my head up to make eye contact with all of them. So they know these words are for all of them. “That I really love you, and appreciate all you’ve done for me. I hope that…it stays like this. For the rest of our lives.” I smile happily. That was not easy for me to say, but Jesus. It felt so fucking good to. Like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, that ongoing burden I could never escape from. I’m letting myself be loved. I want to be smothered by it, I want to be so sick of it. I want so much of it that I’ll never know anything else besides it. That’s what I want.

Instead of being scared by the things I’ve just said like I usually would be, instead I know they’re answers. Because I’m secure in this. This is stability.

“It will. We love you too, Kanako.” Jimin vocalizes. He’s leaned back and a smirk appears on his face, “At least I do. Dunno about them.” He jokes, but it does make me nervous. Haha, funny.

Taehyung gives me a shove, “W-We do too.” They nod in reassurance.

Yoongi places his hand on my thigh to give it a gentle squeeze, “You know I love you.” And these words are for him, he knows they are. They’re different. The love I have for him is the

same yet so vastly different from the others. “I love you too.” I whisper.

Jungkook yawns purposely, “Kay, I’m stuffed. What else do you wanna do, Kanako?” He asks, disrupting the moment that was happening between me and Yoongi.

They all look at me to await my answer, and I think to myself. A few seconds, maybe a minute or two until I’ve decided. It’s dangerous, a risk, a bad idea. But it’ll end this night perfectly.

I look at Yoongi, then the boys. “Let’s sneak out.”

MARCH 29TH, 2012, 11:34PM

We’ve waited impatiently for the night to surely end for all of the staff in the building. Seokjin being so tired he nearly opted out on our venture, but eventually he succumbed to my begs. Once it was time to get a move on, we all decided to change into clothes more fitting for the cold night.

I stand in my tank-top and jeans, standing in the middle of what seems to be a disorganized symphony of boys changing. Everyone’s throwing on hoodies, sweatpants, jackets. Whatever they could throw on in a hurry to keep the energy alive. We’ve seemed to hype ourselves a little too much, so I hope this night doesn’t disappoint them.

Hoseok pauses, “Wait!” Which catches everyone's attention. Jimin is mid-way with slipping his hoodie on so he pauses with his arms in the air.

“I know a guy.” Hoseok smiles mischievously.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Namjoon yells at him in annoyance.

Everyone seems to be on edge, ready to be out the door. Although some of them have enjoyed the luxury of the gas station two buildings over, most of them haven’t even visited the city in these past months. You can imagine how much they would itch for a night out. Even with all the risks. This will be fun, good risks. Not bad ones. Don’t think about it.

Hoseok continues, “I know a guy that can get us all in a club.”

Yoongi puts on a irritated expression, “Hoseok, are you talking about Dae? That guy’s super sketchy!”

“Yes it’s Dae, but so what?”

Taehyung takes off his shirt slowly, “Wait is this the one that almost got arrested for-”

“Okay everyone shut up!” Hoseok throws his hands in the air, “I promise it’ll be worth it.”

I fold my arms in confusion, “What about Jungkook?” I ask.

Hoseok shrugs, “There’s a lot more to do in a club than drinking. Dancing…having fun, you know.”

I look at Jungkook who’s almost going to burst, his eagerness obvious to all of us. But it’s a bad idea, he can’t be clubbing at fifteen. Who knows what else there’ll be? He’s just a baby.

“He seems too young to experience club life.” I pout, wanting to protect the boy.

Jimin throws an arm over Jungkook’s shoulder, “I’ll make sure he’s okay. Isn’t that right JK?” Jimin gives a smirk to the boy who smiles vigorously back, looking at me after. I sigh and turn to everyone else in the room to see how they feel about it. Most of us aren’t clubbing age and maybe that’s for a reason, and Yoongi doesn’t seem particularly happy about it. He’s never been one for a party, but it sort of peaks my interest. Thinking about him with a drink in his hand, dancing on me under the club lights. I can’t pass up on that. Shit.

“What do you think, Yoongi?” I question him. His lips lift into a curious smile, and I think he wants to see me under those club lights too. “Might be fun.” He says.

I spin back to the group of males whose eyes have turned puppy-like, paired with a nice little pout. Everyone but Seokjin, the eldest who looks at me seriously.

“I mean…if this is what you want, Kanako. I’m all for it.” Seokijn says.

I bite my lip nervously. New experiences, right? Wouldn’t my mother want this for me? Maturity and adult-hood has eaten me alive, I’ve almost forgotten my age. I’m eighteen, and in two years I’ll be twenty. I need these young experiences, these risky ones I’ve never had. The good ones.

I smile deviously, “Okay, let me change first.”

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an: feeling like the dad in coraline while I wrote this

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