#it really does seem like a shared experience and a vital part of new york culture from my perspective as a outsider so like

[thewhizzyhead]

I don't have the proper words to like describe it aptly, but the song 'same train home', despite it coming right after a gruesome tragedy, is just so fuckin soft and warm and comforting and not just in the 🎶"Oh let them stare in judgment, let them witness this/ Swan leans into Mercy, pulls her deep into a kiss" 🎶 sense (though I will argue that section is one of the best written parts of Warriors). I mean it in the sense of the train being the only constant among the lives of new yorkers in the story and how both the warriors and us, the audience, enjoy brief respites in it. I dunno how to fuckin describe really I'm at a loss now, but I like the brief comfort everyone involved takes in it as both the audience and the characters near the end of the story. oh and it also does help that the song is like genuinely fuckin beautiful

[rumblelibrary]

The Diary of Doctor Laszlo Kreizler

Chapter 1

Synopsis: Alienist’s notes are private, sometimes gruesome, secrets of others and of himself.Those pages belongs to secrecy and decadence, have a glimpse to this world made of drafts, notes, accidents and reflections. Or maybe it is you the only person that should ever reach for it.

While you read this imagine Laszlo mostly at the end of his day, scraping the ideas and the thoughts, adjusting previous notes with additions, closing the day behind himself with a couple of sentences while sitting in his evening robe, a good glass of whiskey and his glasses bridged almost at the tip of his nose. Or maybe imagine yourself, you sneaky thing, reach for it from a far shelf.

Word count: 3k

Warnings: listen, this is the set of ideas and confessions of a man living in the 1890’s. Most of them will be outdated, rough, even deprecating in some analysis of the roles of men, women and social status, religion, etc.So be prepared, my point is to make Laszlo reflect upon those topics, but to be as faithful as I can to his time. Mention of death, mutilation, self harm and a minor depiction of a fight. Psychologically troubled young children ahead! Author’s note: I am a nerd for a good Victorian novel and a sexy Alienist.I have always been charmed by Laszlo’s mind and inner conflicts. So I took the chance and tried to have a run into that rollercoaster.  The story is placed between season 1 and season 2.

Diary belonging to Dr. Laszlo Kreizler.  This is a professional book of annotations over medical treatments of an alienist toward his patients. Do not disclose and send it back to the address if found: Kreizler’s Institute, xxxxxx, New York City (NY) L.K.

Samuel Griswold Goodrich, Illustrated Natural History of the Animal Kingdom (c1859). Contributed for digitization by University Library, University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign.

Schiller in his “Die Weltweisen” wrote: So long as philosophy keeps together the structure of the Universe so long does it maintain the world’s machinery by hunger and love. From the philosopher point of view sexual life takes a subordinate position in human’s life, from recent studies pushed by European philosophers, everything is about sexuality and its development. I like to think of the experience of being an alienist as the process of Queen Penelope that, while waiting for her husband Ulysses return, undoes her craftwork every night. I undo the fabulous constructs of people’s beliefs to go back to the rough sketch that stands at the beginning of their loss, their complex, their pain. Maybe that’s why working with children is so motivating and fascinating. They can be saved and yet, I am well aware, some of those sketches already traced in their young lives equal to scars that not even the most advanced theories could cure. But I can sooth them. I can prevent them the torment, the anguish, the recollection at night of those monsters. I feel like a poet would be a better alienist than a philosopher, but I have got no poetry nor philosophy in my veins, but the cold experience of the razor blade judgment of Life itself.

Today I observed a fight among the children at the Institute. Age range between 10 and 12. Boys. The fight was over the possession of a side of the playground, the territory of a pack  of youngsters formed under the name of Steven. Peculiar lad, coming from a military background finds comfort in replicating the schemes he lived in his family. He takes the role of the Father/Captain of the team and subjects children that come from a similar background story, but do not posses his same attitude to the command. All quiet on the front, until the space he declared is own spot got affected by the presence of others.  Intruders. I knowingly let the events unfold to see how Steven would react to his challenged authority. His reaction was, at first, worded, a sketch, a stage-play of an action he witnessed over and over, and he knew the part so well that some of the contending kids lowered their stance against him. Among considering to mildly intervene into this pyramid scheme of authority, another boy, Jan, calls himself on the role of the educator and hero of the masses and proceeds to unfold a wild and well assessed punch on the newly declared dictator face. Balance is established again. No need for me to arbitrate, once more the laws of nature seem to apply to children as in a state of nature.

Meet John Moore over lunch. His job at the newspaper is picking up, he is charmed by the spirits and the wits that he finds in his shared office with all the other writers. He mentions many, goes on and on over qualities and troubles, gossips and tendencies, and even little scandals here and there. To be aware of all those details gives me no interest, but to see a dear friend so invested clearly gives me something to pick up. To consider also the amount of details and the way he describes this or that member of the journal, I can do a small exercise of analysis. It is almost too easy because John is painfully genuine, even some of the kids at the institute would beat him hands down in a battle of lies. The more he likes somebody, the more he goes on about all the details and the characteristics, often letting aside the physical appearance. When he doesn’t like somebody he has a couple of adjectives for the wits and around four or five for the physical aspects that usually indulge on some repulsive idiosyncrasies.  John is a man that painfully fits in the storyline of The Picture of Dorian Gray: to him physical beauty is spiritual beauty and, of course, the other way around. This part of him surely intrigues me, makes me want to tease more from him. But, as a friend, it concerns me as John is way too prone to purposelessly decide that somebody with good eyes is also a good human being, which is a very romantic and admirably naive way of judging matters. I noticed some names that keep repeating in his narration. I dread that it is synonymous of a soon encounter from my side with the objects of his admiration. Fetiches, I dare to say, that I will have to annihilate before they sediment into his mind, perpetuating a narration that soon sees John being mislead by others.

Reserved: Tickets for the Eroica, Symphony n. 3 by Ludwig van Beethoven. Thursday evening.

Note on the show: the first movement lacked the pathos needed to begin with, I am not sure that the guest orchestra really managed to portray the wider emotional ground needed to withstand the whole representation. As the evening progressed there were some outstanding performances by the cellists. Still not approving the choice of reprising the early quick finale movement against the lengthy set of variations and fugue that we are used to in presence of the Eroica. Underwhelming the performance of the horn and oboe, vital in the comprehension of the genius of Beethoven. 

Niki is a new addition of the Institute, quite old for the standards. He is already 16, he will leave when summer ends to some expensive college his family meant him to stay. His parents expect me to make him “normal” in the time we are allowed together.  He is Austrian and I let him act it out like I don’t understand German for the first week of hist stay until today. I believe I hit his pride, which is good, in the moment I answered back to one of his sneaky comments. Now he knows. He is not safe from me, he doesn’t like it. The young man has a tendency to danger, risky tasks and edgy situations. In his mother’s own words “Niki is not afraid of anything”. The phrase didn’t raise any excitement in the father, rather some sort of painful acceptance that is role as the alpha male of the house is probably not only being challenged, but  already diminished, if not abolished. I have taken in consideration that Niki will break himself a bone or two in the process of the therapy, probably out of the spite of boredom or rebellion. It took him less than few days to turn himself into an outcast among the outcasts, which only drives me closer to analyse the complexity of his narcissistic wall of self defence. I gave him a physical challenge to lift a certain weight, he is a pretty skinny one, he didn’t like the challenge, but I am sure he will take it. He is a brainy guy, he hates to be questioned on unfamiliar ground. He won’t sleep at night thinking about it.  A challenge, in this first phase, can only bring me closer to the ease of his pains. To continue the observation.

It is a sad privilege of medicine, in particular the one I practice, to be able to witness the weaknesses of the human nature and the reverse side of life. Nevertheless, I oblige this same privilege of the study as life moves into shades of darkness. To be aware of it gives more solace to my soul than to be victim of patiently waiting for the inevitable unfolding of the events. To be able to understand more about psychology would bring more comfort and elevation to any human being, the times might not be there yet, but eventually something will move into the direction of a more wholesome approach.

Dinner meeting with Sara Howard, at the restaurant Jardin Des Cygnes, 7 pm sharp.  Do not expect to reach the dessert. Do not know if John will be participating due to undeniable tension among the two and the fatal despise of John over French cuisine.

The case that Sara unfolded tonight to my ears feels more and more like pulled out from some gothic book or from the mind of a Roman historian that needed to justify the godly origins of an Emperor. One killing, apparently random, a very constructed iconography over the body. Signs and insults, shapes and drawings. Is this a work of art? Does the killer wants his victim to be his Mona Lisa? His David? I am charmed and destabilised. If this was a murder like any other, then why to spend so much time into it? Based on the description the act of killing itself was quick: a sharp cut over the throat, almost like not wanting to ruin too much the surface to use as base for, what? I keep rerunning those symbols over and over as Sara described them to me, my mind is flooded with the designs of greek philosophers that needed to explain themselves why the sky is above our head and never collapses on us. Hilarious how, no matter the science advancement, in the mind of many the sky stands inevitably overt their shoulders, suffocates them, brings them to a death of the soul and not of the body. Is all this graphic charade indeed only a form to scream for attention?  To stress the eyes of an unaware viewer? It seems ridiculously elaborate, a scream for attention would be quick, it would be like guided by instinct, not reasoning, craftwork. Any man with a knife can paint in blood red the walls of a room and that’s asking for attention. That is the primal howl: look at me! I am here! But this one.  I don’t know yet.

Spent the early morning reading anew my copy of The Metamorphosis by Ovid. Didn’t touch it in a long time and I got bedazzled by the world of terrible sensuality, anger and selfishness of those gods and mortals. I think back at all the deviances and weaknesses of human kind and I try to relate it to all of those humanoid figures. Niki would be a minotaur, the lonesome son left in the labyrinth and his strive for success is his bull’s head. Or maybe a centaur, because of his wits and strategic thinking. I might keep up the process, maybe this is the way to understand my patients better, to understand the killer better. Must remember not to romanticise it. Greek gods were probably the first form of self indulging of a society that needed gods to be forgiving and allowing favours and punishments, but only in exchange of sacrifices. But the sacrifice never comes from the God’s will, but from the will of the man that perpetuates the act of killing. To sacrifice someone or something is the sadistic response to a lack of love deeply inherited in human mind that becomes neurotic. Is the killer giving the God of his own neurosis a body to feast upon? 

I talked with Jan this morning. The young boy is about 10, but he acts like a full grown adult. I could easily asses that’s the reason why he could challenge Steven in that fight. Two children mimicking adults situations they know too well. Jan is son of an industrial man, but he is also son of the dialectics of the industrial revolution. He sounds like he swallowed some of those books about working class rights and communism, probably pushed by a resentful surrounding (mother?uncle? the midwife?) over the social role of his father. As much as incredibly smart and lectured, Jan lost most of his early occasions in life by spending a considerable amount of time using his fists. The anger ever present in the young boy always surprises me, he seems to be holding a power, a strength of a full grown man in those tiny arms. Nevertheless, he is already the tallest of the group. He is surely an idealist, which makes him also tragically fragile. His strength mixed with his heart of gold can make him the best of the heroes or the worst of the villains. He apologised for the fight, he specified how he didn’t like the sound of Steven’s voice, more than the sound, the level of pitch.  I can’t stand somebody shouting orders, I just don’t listen anymore. He is so mature even about his own feelings, almost a gentleman in his chivalry toward the weaker children, honest with his open heart and resentful against any form of injustice.  I am not spared by his ways, he would come at me whenever he feels like I was being partial over some of the kids, his sense of justice blinds him and transform a perfectly balanced boy into a ranging animal.

Ordered book, to be delivered around tomorrow evening: Introduction à la méthode de Léonard de Vinci by Paul Valéry. Suddenly feeling myself as a gross ignorant in art themes. I always regarded myself aware of the artistic personalities and tendencies of present and past, but this new amount of perceptions over the human figure and the human body leads me to document myself more. I could ask John for advice, but he wouldn’t take things at matter that seriously. I can almost hear him say how I can make gruesome a pleasant topic such as art. I should probably wait to see the body to push any further aesthetic study, but I find myself not being able to stop. I reckon, I can allow myself a vice or two.

Today I saw the body of the killed man, courtesy of the Isaacson's. To be fair, I had underestimated it. In Sara’s descriptions, probably due to her more analytic mind, all the charm of the representation got lost in favour of a less cryptic and reasonable understanding of the act. Sara got what some alienists will call a masculine mind, which I don’t perfectly agree on. If I apply that same approach John would be a very feminine mind, all wrapped up in romanticising even the ugliest. I guess that dividing the world in “fragile and gentle” and “strong and powerful” is just easier to explain the fluctuation of something that doesn’t need a real name or a category like human inclinations on thoughts.  I got a feverish sense of patience by looking at the body. Each symbol traced with sapient slowness, dense of the time that the killer spent with the body. That is a work of hours, he had time and meaning. He had resources and was able to spend not less than the time he needed to reach, a vision? An ideal? A message? Is it the message meant to be understood? Am I supposed to unravel it or it is maybe just the way the killer communicates within himself? And if I do decifrate the code, will that bring me closer to him? Or to his next victim?

Reminder: ask John to replicate all the symbols on the bodies in the correct measure and order. It might be needed some hard convincing. Addition: scheduled meeting, his house, 3 pm.

It wasn’t a day like any other when I met you. Or maybe it was, and that’s why I got so struck by it and now I am here playing it over and over through what my memory clung on so desperately. In my own experience, life was often similar to swimming in a lake. Those rich, dense lakes in the north of (illegible cancelled word) were my father used to bring us during summer. I still feel the pull, the draw down toward the abyss. It ashamed me, in a way, the fear that such a simple feeling aroused in my young mind, unaware nevertheless, that such a feeling would follow me through all my existence. It was a prophecy and, like most of the prophecies, was a riddle. I cradle in my heart the charm of those days, the mindless happiness. The foolish feeling of freedom. Little I knew that freedom would be taken away from me that soon, that the body that used to navigate me over the dense waters, helping me to fight the haul toward the unknown, would become my own cage. That day. Today. The day where I met you, the day I was afloat.  The child gasping for air felt the wrench become a gentle push and now he is floating on his back over the scary waters of reality and malice. It gave me relief and it gave me terror, because since that very moment I knew that I would never be able to move on from the sight of you. From the feeling of your eyes lingering on me. From the smile you so easily shone upon me. From the whiff of imported perfume that hit me when you turned on side exploding that swan like neck. And nothing, not even my stern look, could dim that wave of hope that your sole presence washed over me. The abyss roars, calls me to a home of damnation and terror and curses my name and yet you repeated that hell-bound name of mine after me and I felt safe.

John told me so much about you, it feels like I have always known you.

The rope is gone from my neck, the guillotine won’t fall on me, I am spared, I am free.

I have read your latest article, I am thrilled to help with the case.

I am in disbelief.

Your voice.

Dr. Kreizler

How dare you? How dare you to come into my life, to appear, like a vision, mystical, in a way I despised at University when all those theology students talked about the divine. In this very moment I can’t recollect much of what you said, something about the case, about going with John at the obituary. It feels confusing, I feel overstimulated, my memory fails me, I am not sure anymore. I write these few lines and it is passed the hour of the witches and I wish, I demand, to never see you again, because life should never grant hope to a condemned man. 

[lilbabycee]

georgia // steve rogers ✈️

↳ summary: after a mission, the reader comes back with some serious injuries and steve doesn't know how to handle it.

↳ relationship: steve rogers x reader

↳ word count: 2.9k

↳ warnings: near death experiences, fluff and angst, hurt/comfort, another overused trope

↳ author’s note: more steve for you because i love this man - enjoy! <3

You’re curled on one of the sectionals in the common room, watching the sun peek out from a blanket of clouds not unlike the ones that you’re lying under right now. The sky is swathed in purples and yellows and oranges and you take the time to enjoy the unobstructed view from the floor-to-ceiling windows at the Avengers Compound. You can feel yourself sinking into the grey ocean that is the obnoxiously large sofa beneath you and you think that if you drown then this would be a hell of a way to die.

He isn’t speaking to you. He hasn’t even seen you in weeks, harboring a grudge so strong that you think the weight of it could crush even his super soldier body. Leaning the side of your head on the couch, you find yourself momentarily distracted by the picturesque scene in front of you, but then your eyelids droop and you are snapped back to the reality of your situation. You can’t sleep without him and he knows that. After all of these years you still don’t know exactly what it is - maybe a product of the Red Room, maybe years of murdering innocents coming back to haunt you, but you can’t sleep alone. You were used to it for years, not getting more than two hours of sleep - if you were lucky - most nights. But long gone are the days of sneaking into bed with Natasha, because once Steve came along, you didn’t need it any longer.

Steve. You sigh in frustration, one hand wiggling out from underneath the fluffy white blanket to rub at your eyes and run over your face. Maybe you’re being dramatic. After all, waxing poetic about your boyfriend wasn’t going to bring him back from wherever the fuck he was in France right now. Prior to a few years ago, you only had yourself to look out for and nobody else. You had become accustomed to it, doing whatever was best for you and not having to take anybody else into consideration because, ultimately, you worked alone. But then you joined the Avengers, became a part of a team, and then you realized that you were surrounded by people who valued your life more than you did.

It was jarring to say the least, but on top of that, you met Steve. It was instant, the connection that you two shared. There was always a sense of admiration that went both ways, and you brought each other a sense of normalcy in a world that was otherwise chaotic and often unbelievable. You love him more than you love yourself on most days, you find. But his Captain persona has a tendency to spark arguments with the intensity of a forest fire, igniting the fire within his belly but in contrast, you become cold and withdrawn and defensive.

It doesn’t happen often, but when you do fight, the entire compound knows about it and the team is forced to witness the tension between you two for days, weeks. This was especially painful for both Sam and Natasha, as they are both so close to the both of you and they always feel as if they had to pick sides.

You miss him, you realize, when rare tears prick at your eyelids and you close your eyes to try and ward them off. This time of the year is especially hard for you, having to watch families and children and happiness and beauty all around you. You can’t stand it. It just reminds you of all of the things that you decided that you couldn’t have, things that can’t fit into the lifestyle that you have so carefully perfected over the years. You’d been spiraling over the last couple of days, truly spiraling and the only person who had noticed was Natasha. There was so much of herself that she saw in you, having grown up the same way without love and affection and comfort.

Steve would comfort you. He’d tell you that your feelings are valid and that you have every right to feel sad and that you’re not alone in your emotions. He’d come cuddle you and call you baby or honey or doll and kiss you so hard that the whirring freight train of despair on a circular loop in your head would come to an abrupt stop and you’d forget about all of that, at least for some time. But he isn’t here so you’re stuck the way you are: sad and cold and tired and alone.

Your ears perk up and you can sense somebody standing behind you. It’s not Steve - you would know - and you peel your eyes open slowly, turning around regardless, curious as to who else could be up at 7:20 a.m on a Sunday and not training. Your eyes meet green ones and you exhale a laugh. Those verdant eyes are flooded with concern and what looks like a hint of… guilt?

“‘Tasha,” you greet slowly, raising an eyebrow skeptically. “You’re not training. Everything okay?”

“I feel like that’s what I should be asking you,” her voice is soft and filled with that same concern, unnoticeable to somebody who does not know her as well. “How’re you feeling?”

You bark out a laugh again, wincing when you feel the soreness of your throat and idly rub at the smattering of bruises that mar the skin on your neck. You become acutely aware of the deep cuts on your legs and your bandaged wrist, sighing when you remember how long you’ll have to spend in medbay with Dr. Cho to change all of them.

“I’ve been worse,” you shrug, slowly becoming increasingly aware of how every small movement comes with a sharp sting of pain. You were no super soldier: you still healed like a regular human being, although people often seemed to treat you like you weren’t one as a result of your extensive spy training. It’d been weeks now and you still aren’t fully healed, something that frustrates you to no end as you were just about tired of sitting on your ass. “I’ll get over it eventually, but it’ll just take a couple more weeks. At least, that’s what Dr. Cho said.”

“You know that’s not what I was referring to,” Natasha gives you a deadpan look and you hold her gaze because you’re nothing if not stubborn.

You know who else is stubborn? St-

“-and Steve,” she continues. You snap out of your slight daze and focus on maintaining eye contact with her. “I spoke to him and told him to come speak to you - he doesn’t know how bad you’re doing.”

“You know that after Georgia he doesn’t wanna speak to me,” you’re surprised at how soft and resigned your tone is.

“He doesn’t wanna speak to you or you’re not giving him the chance to?”

“You know perfectly well that that’s not the case, Nat,” you shoot her a murderous glare and she smirks, walking around the sectional to sit next to you, lifting a corner of the blanket to sidle up next to you. You drop your head on her shoulder and close your eyes again, feeling a strong pounding sensation at the front of your head. A groan leaves your lips and you bury your face into the redhead’s shoulder.

“Steve is absolutely one of the most stubborn people I have ever met,” Natasha starts slowly. “But he also has one of the biggest hearts of anyone I’ve ever met. You and I both know that for a fact. You have to put yourself in his shoes. Imagine how he felt when he saw you like that, blood pouring out of your head and laying on a table on the quinjet, helpless. If that was him, you know how panicked you would have been.”

---

three weeks ago...

You’d thought that you’d taken all of them out, running next to Sam and turning the street corner back towards the quinjet. This part of the country had been virtually abandoned, a true ghost town. It had taken several hours to fly from New York just to do some recon, even in the quinjet.

Steve and Natasha were running several feet ahead of you, and they had disappeared out of sight, turning another corner, when it happened. It was supposed to be a quick and simple in-and-out, not meant to take any longer than a few hours, so the relief that it had all gone to plan was almost palpable in the air.

That was until a massive man rushed you with a dagger, obviously desperate and probably out of ammunition. He went for Sam first, a swift and split-second stab to the side - a wound which ended up being non-fatal, thank God - and continued to attack him when you jumped on him from behind. You knew that you were out-muscled - the man stood at over 6’5 and was built like a tree - but you managed to get him away from Sam. You were sure that you could overpower him with purely your agility and skill, but he fought dirty. After tackling you to the ground, he grabbed you by your neck in an attempt to asphyxiate you and damn he was strong. You struggled to pry his hand off of your neck, the intense pain making your vision cloudy and your head spin. Taking advantage of your temporarily incapacitated state, he stabbed you in the shoulder and then repeatedly in the legs, crushing your wrist by putting all of his weight on it. You came to the realization that he was trying to get you to lose as much blood as he possibly could, wanting to drag out the experience. You faintly heard Sam struggling to speak into the comms and hoped that Steve and Natasha were coming back.

The man, with a wicked grin on his face, proceeded to smash your head repeatedly against the concrete sidewalk. The last thing that you distinctly remember was hearing Steve’s heavy boots sprint over to where you were.

You were told that after that, Natasha took care of your attacker while Steve carried you back to the quinjet in a panic. Nat was able to help Sam limp there, surprisingly it really was more of a flesh wound and hit no vital organs. You had been in a medically induced coma for four days after your heart had stopped because of the gallons of blood that you had lost. They tried to restart your heart several times and when they finally succeeded, they wanted to make sure that you were healing in the way that you were supposed to be. When you woke up to Steve sleeping, slouched in a hospital chair beside your bed with your hand gripped tightly in his, you gave him a weak squeeze to wake up. He jumped up and immediately started crying while calling for the medical staff.

After you were left alone, Steve walks back in with a far sterner expression on his face than when he first came in. You try for a weak smile, but you are severely concussed and struggle to form coherent sentences so you are not in the mood to fight with your boyfriend. But it looks like he is in the mood to fight with you.

“You shouldn’t have done that,” he begins, standing at the head of your hospital bed with his arms crossed over his chest.

You roll your eyes and heave a sigh. “Steve, can we do this another time? I’m really not feeling up to-”

“No, Y/N,” he barks, effectively silencing you. His Captain voice has made an appearance and your frustrations start to arise. You know that this won’t be a quick scolding. “We’re a team. And you have to make decisions that are best for the team. What you did was unnecessarily put yourself at risk when Natasha and I were readily available to help you. Instead of communicating with us, you took on the task by yourself and look where that’s gotten you. I know that it’ll take a while for you to recover from these injuries but I don’t want you coming on missions for another month after your recovery. It’s-”

“Captain Rogers,” you interrupt him, your defensive walls up and your tone frosty. “With all due respect, sir, I did what I thought was best at that moment. I was protecting Sam. I don’t know what taking me off more missions will do for the team, or me, for that matter. I was trying to protect Sam from death-”

“You died, Y/N!” he shouts at you, voice cracking slightly, and your mouth snaps shut. “You died and I saw you die. Forgive me if I don’t want that to happen again.”

He clenches his jaw and his eyes dart around, a sign that he’s trying to avoid tearing up. Your expression has softened considerably and as you open your mouth to speak, he pins you with a glare so fierce that only air comes out.

“You’re off the missions. I’m not taking no for an answer.”

That’s all he says before swiftly turning on his heel and slamming the door behind his retreating figure.

---

Starting to speak, you look at Natasha’s side profile as she stares directly ahead of her: “I know. But he’s acting like Sam wouldn’t have died if I hadn’t helped him. It’s just that I’ve gotten over this. And I’m in pain, Nat. I’m tired. I’m exhausted and my throat hurts and I feel so weak but he’s not here.”

At the end of the sentence, your voice cracks and Natasha’s hand comes up to rub comfortingly at your back. Your body is too busy shaking with sobs for you to realize that Steve just walked in. He sees Nat and smiles at her before his eyes hone in on your fragile - a word that he’s never used to describe you before - body. His smile drops abruptly and he rushes to your side, his stubbornness be damned. Steve had no idea just how badly this had been affecting you, because he was too concerned with waiting for you to come and apologize to him.

“Baby,” he coos softly, gently caressing your cheek. Your head lifts and his heart sinks when he sees your bloodshot eyes and dark bags, coupled with your shaky hands and severe bruising. He hasn’t even seen you in the weeks since the hospital - he took a mission in France with Bucky almost immediately after - and he feels like crying himself when he sees how much the lack of communication has broken you. He’s always considered you the strongest person he knows, untouchable and tenacious. But this, this. It breaks his heart. “Hi, baby.”

You only sob harder as Natasha shoots him a look and stands up, presumably heading towards the kitchen to make herself some breakfast. Steve takes her place after mouthing a thank you - to which she responds with an eye roll - and takes care to wrap his strong arms around you without pressing on any of the more severe bruises.

“Honey, I’m so sorry,” he whispers. “I was bein’ hard-headed and selfish and I didn’t even think about how hard my best girl has it. But you shoulda seen yourself, babydoll. I thought I had died right along with you on that table…”

Fuck it, you think as you throw your arms around his neck. Sharp pain shoots through both of your arms but you don’t give a fuck because your Stevie’s here and he’s apologizing (?!!) and he’s so warm.

“Stevie,” you sniff, almost childlike in your need for affection. “I’m sorry. I wanted to help Sam and I thought I could take him.”

He chuckles, pressing a long kiss to your forehead. You close your eyes serenely as his lips linger and he starts caressing the side of your bruised neck with his thumb.

“That’s okay, doll,” he smiles. “You probably coulda taken him and I know it was a tough situation. I just want my baby to feel better. I’m sorry I haven’t been here; I needed to clear my head because I was just so damn scared. My worst fear is losin’ you and having that realized, living through that… I couldn’t bear it. But I’m here now and we can make sure that you rest up. You been sleepin’, sweetheart?”

You shake your head - too fast because the pounding in your head intensifies and you groan - and lean up to press a kiss on his cheek. His cheeks warm and you smile fondly at him, pleased that even after all this time you have an effect on your man.

“Well, we’ll have to fix that, won’t we honey?” he smirks as he easily lifts you up with your arms wound around his neck. He starts striding towards your shared quarters and lays you in the bed. “Cold, baby?”

You nod and make grabby hands at him, feeling especially needy - a side that you could never show to the rest of the Avengers because they would bully you for the rest of your life. He only laughs, whipping off his shirt and joining you in bed.

“Comfortable?” he asks, looking down at you. You snuggle up to his chest - fuck your broken wrist and crushed windpipe - and feel yourself drifting already. You come to realize that this is where you belong - wherever your super soldier is, whatever he does, you know that you’ll love him to the ends of the earth…

...or at least all the way to Georgia.

tagged: @literaturefeen​

[nonsensicalobsessions]

Aiden’s Story

from Symphony without Strings

It was bad.

They had all been sitting down to breakfast when Tom’s phone rang. That in itself wasn’t alarming. It was the way Tom’s face froze, his eyes quickly flitting to Liam, Aiden, and Liam again as he gracefully rose from the table to take the phone in the privacy of his room...and the determined, bright voice Tom assumed as he shut the door...

He knew it was bad, the way Tom tore out of the small apartment they were all sharing close to Sloan Kettering, before he’d managed a bit of breakfast, before finishing his tea, still sitting, steaming in his cup at the kitchen table.

Liam looked at the abandoned cup and plate, and his lip wobbled. “Papa left awf’lly quick, Aiden. Do you think Mama’s gotten really really sick again? Like she was in London? Because she was doin’ so good yesterday...she was, Aiden, she was...!”

Aiden crouched down so he could look into Liam’s eyes. “Your Mama was doing very well yesterday, wasn’t she? So let’s hold onto that. She was so happy, we haven't seen her that happy in a long time. She was able to play for us, and with us, and your Papa made sure she didn’t wear herself out, so it isn’t anything like that,” he was quick to add. “Maybe she does need some extra cuddle time, just like Papa said.”

And if it was worse than that, Aiden would make sure he began to take yesterday’s memories and cement them in the little boy’s mind, so he would have them forever. Because that is what Aiden did. He made sure that things lasted, whether they were memories, or decisions.

He was the one that kept things together. And he knew it.

His role began the day he found Merry crumpled on the floor outside the ladies’ toilets in the music building at university. He didn’t realize it at the time, but when he held her hand and said that he reckoned that he would step in and act as the baby’s father, as well as Merry’s mother and friends, it was the first step on the journey that was leading him to this apartment on this nippy autumn morning in New York.

He helped her keep her health together and keep going to school during a difficult pregnancy. Cheered her and supported her as she gave birth a hell of a lot faster than she wanted to, without any pain relief, even as she wept and cried out for some Tom guy right when the contractions were at their worst. Yelled when she accepted her Doctorate degree...and looked at her right when Liam was a year old and instinctively knew something was very, very wrong with his dear friend, and all but forced her to see a doctor. When she began chemotherapy less than a week later, he immediately stepped in and began caring for an energetic and bright toddler who was confused as to where his beloved “MarMar” was, as well as who this strange man who had burst into his life unexpectedly and seemed like he was planning on staying for awhile.

Despite his own mother’s vehement and violent disagreement, Aiden doggedly found employment close to Merry. He knew he was in it for the long haul, however long that haul may be. He was terrified it wasn’t going to be long, at all. Merry’s father passed, and Merry’s mother made it clear she didn’t care if Merry did, as well. Merry’s grandmother, bless her soul, had also passed, hence the animosity...but that was another story. At least Merry was now financially independent, and would not have to worry about her hospital bills, or Liam’s care. Merry immediately set up a trust for her son, and hired Aiden to be Liam’s tutor, caretaker, and guardian, with a much better salary and benefits package than he could ever hope to get with his experience and degree in any other environment. He was promptly installed in their household, and was a part of the family.

He was also Merry’s power of attorney for everything: financial, medical, parental...

In short, he held her and Liam’s lives in his hands.

He and Merry held many emotional conversations about this. Especially about her living will and desire for final arrangements as her health continued to deteriorate.

For all Merry was desperately reaching for any and all possible experimental treatments to prolong her life, hoping for the miracle that would prolong her life with her son, she was also practical in other regards.

“Aiden, I refuse to be kept alive by artificial means should it become clear it is my time to go. It would be unfair on you and Liam. I beg of you, if or when my quality of life is so poor I am no longer living but existing, please...let me go, my friend. If I get to a point where my mind is gone, let the body go as well...don’t have my son be tethered to a shell...”

The two of them sat with an attorney and crafted highly specific Living Will and Advance Directive Orders, in the event that Merry would be unconscious or otherwise unable to specify when she would want medical care and therapies to cease. Aiden was her designated medical healthcare proxy. There was a very rigorous set of definitions of what was considered necessary care and what was not, and when she would be considered past hope. For example, should she begin to experience multiple organ failure, all life support would be withdrawn, and she would be allowed to pass away in peace. “Life support” itself was given a set of definitions—unnecessary and invasive tubes removed, as well as machinery. A strict set of “do not resuscitate” orders were drafted. “Multiple organ failure” was considered three major organ systems vital to life shutting down.

Merry was driven, and exhaustive. Aiden was silently impressed. She was always very precise in her approach to her beloved music, which is partly why she was such a brilliant student...but it was the way she put so much of her soul into the whole of the piece that made her such a phenomenal musician. For this, Merry was the student: laser-focused, leaving nothing to chance. All she wanted was to be able to die with a modicum of dignity, in as little pain as possible, while keeping her wits about her as long as she could.

She had her funeral planned and all the money ready pay for the entire affair—a grim set of work, but she was determined that should it be necessary, no one be burdened at the moment of crisis. She kept insisting that there be as little fuss as possible. Aiden had to keep gently reminding her how funerals were for the living, and as she would be past caring what would happen, she should let him be a little more involved with these decisions. Merry was unaware of the DVD he had created that her son would dub The Secret Mama Movie that would, if necessary, serve in part as a video and retrospective at a memorial service. Merry and Aiden spent one never to be forgotten weekend going through photos and videos together, getting drunk on wine, tears, and laughter, putting together things Merry said she would like used for the service, and then it was all put away in a box that Aiden prayed fervently he would never have to open. It was placed in the very back of his closet, on the top shelf, in the very back corner. It was placed in an old Amazon delivery box, sealed with silver duct tape, but only one layer. Aiden figured if he had to open it, he wouldn’t want to have to fight with it very hard. On it, he simply wrote, “DO NOT OPEN UNLESS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY.”

Aiden hand-carried the box from Baltimore to New York to London back to New York, along with the thumb drive and thin sheaf of paperwork. He never made a move without the papers and thumb drive, and while the box didn’t technically need to go to London with him, he wasn’t sure how the trip was going to go, and thought it might be best to have it with him. Just in case.

Now he was pacing as Liam happily played with a friend, waiting to hear from Tom to see how Merry was faring. He had received a confirmation that Merry was battling what they had feared, cytokine release syndrome. He and Tom spoke briefly during Liam’s nap, to coordinate how they would handle talking to Liam, as well as having someone be with Merry as often as possible. Aiden knew Tom would want someone with Merry 24/7, but it would be difficult. Liam would not take well to Tom disappearing from his life, nor should he. Tom would not want to distress Liam in that manner in any case.

So, Aiden would make sure Merry was not alone when Tom was back to make sure Liam could have his time with his beloved Papa. Not that this was a hardship. He did not want Merry to be alone either. If she was improving, that was one thing. If she was holding her own, but critical, no one would wish for her to awake but semiconscious, with no one to help ground her.

If she was deteriorating...

It would be a cold day in hell before Aiden would have Merry slip away from everyone unnoticed. No, by the gods.

It took a little bit of doing, but Aiden worked it out with a neighbor who was happy to sit with Liam while Aiden headed to the hospital to meet with Tom, have a quick exchange of information on both sides on how the day went on both sides of the hospital walls, and Tom would head back to the apartment for the night, and Aiden would remain with Merry.

The first night was difficult. Aiden had met Dr. Kelly Florence before, been introduced as her medical proxy, power of attorney, and keeper of her Advance Directive Orders and Living Will papers. He had already visited her numerous times before now.

But he was not emotionally ready to see her in such poor physical condition, even though he had tried to prepare himself as much as he could, and had seen her very ill in the past. But this was different.

He spent most of the first night holding her hand, talking to her.

“Merry? It’s Aiden, love...Tom is back with Liam, and I’ll be with you tonight. You don’t have to worry about a thing, so just relax, and rest. We’ve got this in hand, Kelly has got you full of the good drugs, she caught thus in plenty of time, so just take it easy...can you squeeze my hand? Let me know you’re in there?”

Her hot, small hand was lax in his, but it was so soon. Not even twenty-four hours yet. He was sure once she’d been on the medication for twenty-four hours, she would be so much better.

She wasn’t.

The second night, Aiden was so exhausted from not having had any sleep to speak of he spent most of it in the recliner chair he had dragged to her bedside. As before, he held her hand, and began the evening by talking to her of Liam, trying to find some sign Merry was still in the fight. Tom was distraught when they had met hours ago, saying how difficult it was to get Merry to respond to anything he did or said throughout the day, and her fever was proving resistant to controls as well. Liam had been a handful on the home front, picking up on the residual tensions of the adults, and was clingy or recalcitrant by turns.

Sometime before dawn, Aiden was awoken by a soft hand, gently shaking him awake.

“Aiden? It’s Kelly. Can you wake up for me, please? I would like to speak with you...”

He sat up with a crash, and winced, immediately checking to see if the noise he created when he flailed wildly in the chair had disturbed Merry. Kelly was resting between them, and immediately set about soothing him. “Relax, Aiden. She’s still very much out of it. I wish I could have left you to sleep as well, but I wanted to speak with you...”

His eyes bleary, Aiden checked his watch. “Kelly, Tom will be here in about an hour, and you could catch both of us then, ‘n’ not have to repeat it all...you know he’s gonna ask you to go over it all again, ‘n’ then some,” he yawned.

“No, Aiden.” Her voice was sober. “This isn’t a conversation for me to have with Tom. This is a conversation for just you, and me.”

It was a testimony to how very tired Aiden was that he didn’t understand what Kelly was trying to say. “Izzit ‘cause ’m here right now?”

“No, Aiden...it’s because Merry is now beginning to approach multiple organ failure.”

Aiden’s breath caught in his throat, and his blood froze. No. No. Kelly could not, could not be saying what he just heard. His pupils dilated in shock, terror, and the first crashing wave of what promised to be a punishing, cataclysmic tsunami of grief. Merry had come so far. Her body could not be failing her now. She had come so close to getting her last chance for life, love, no, for all of it...!

“What...what exactly are you saying?” He managed through gritted teeth.

Kelly’s eyes were very red and she was unashamed of the tears welling in them. She was never a doctor to lose her compassion, even though she had to retain her objectivity to survive and function.

“The fever is so high, Aiden. Her kidneys and liver are showing signs of severe strain and have since the onset of this damned thing. Now it is becoming very hard to maintain her blood pressure and her pulse becoming erratic. She is not rousing to anything but the most painful stimuli. She is not showing signs of overt pain, Aiden. We will continue to press on as we have been. But the terms of her living will and advance directives are very clear. I know she trusts you implicitly to make the best call for her. There are no decisions to be made right now, and if there were I would strenuously urge you to wait and reflect upon them. But...and I say this to you in the strictest of confidence...she asked you to make this decision for her if need be. Not Tom. You, Aiden.” She paused. “In any case, Tom is not ready to face a decision of this magnitude. Nowhere near ready...no one is ever ready, I suppose, to say goodbye to a loved one, but Tom...”

Aiden reached out blindly, and grasped Kelly’s hand. “I know what you’re trying to say, Kelly...I even asked Merry, once, if she wished to transfer everything over to Tom, and her exact answer was, ‘Oh, God, no.’”

They sat and looked at Merry in silence.

“You need to prepare yourself, Aiden. The time may come for you to...make a final act of love for her. It will be something I know you will carry in your heart for the rest of your life, and affect the relationship you have with Merry’s son, and her son’s father. You need to be aware of what her status is.”

“She isn’t in any pain?”

“She is not, Aiden. We are constantly assessing her. I give you my personal promise I will not have her suffer. She has suffered enough.”

Aiden nodded, his throat so choked he could not speak.

Kelly wordlessly took him into her arms, and let him cry.

When Tom arrived an hour later, Kelly had left word she would speak with him later about Merry’s condition, and Aiden was in the bathroom, having just taken a quick shower. Tom failed to notice how worn Aiden looked, simply because he was so exhausted and worried himself.

“How is she? Any better? I saw Kelly’s text, I couldn’t tell if Merry was any better or worse from what she wrote,” Tom immediately began.

Aiden shook his head. “She’s the same as yesterday, Tom.”

His face showed his clear disappointment. “No better at all? I’d hoped...”

Aiden reached out and grasped his hand, and squeezed it. “I know, Tom. I know.”

Tom reached out and hissed at finding Merry’s face still so hot as he lovingly brushed her cheek with the back of his hand. “Has she responded to anything? Have you spoken to her about Liam?”

“No, Tom...she is sleeping so soundly. I am simply letting her rest.”

Tom latched onto this idea quickly. “You’re right, you’re right, of course...she needs her rest. I won’t disturb her. I’ll simply sit and make sure she isn’t alone...”

Aiden gave Tom a quick, one-armed “man-hug” and left.

The following day, Aiden was settling Liam down for his afternoon nap, and allowed himself to check his phone—again—in the hopes of an update.

From Kelly:

Regret to inform you data indicates you are closer to having to make a decision.

With feet made of lead, he walked to his closet, and pulled out a box that had a single layer of duct tape sealing it shut, and opened it with his pocket knife. He needed to go through it all, one more time.

When he opened the sealed lid, he was surprised to find a envelope bearing a seal with Merry’s monogram on the back. “What...Merry...? This is not supposed to be in here,” he muttered, and carefully opened it. “Merry, I beg of you, I cannot take any surprises right now, woman, I can’t...”

Inside the envelope were smaller envelopes: one, her distinctive handwriting instructed, “To be read before you have to decide” and the other, “To be read after the decision has been made, and done.”

Aiden looked at Liam, sleeping peacefully not four feet from where he stood, trying desperately not to fall apart, and noiselessly left the bedroom, so he could sit in the bath with the door locked, his back against the door.

He opened the “before” letter, and saw it was dated long before he knew who Liam’s father was, but after they had settled the living will and other legal papers for her end of life wishes:

“My dearest Aiden:

“If I know you like I think I do, you are wondering how on earth I got these letters into your box after you taped it shut. To which I have to say: really, Aiden? Only ONE layer of duct tape? And here’s a hint that will serve you well in the future...ALWAYS tape the bottom shut, as well...”

Aiden grabbed the box and flipped it over, and sure enough: he could see where Merry had skillfully cut open the bottom layer of tape and covered it over again so it looked undisturbed upon a cursory glance from the top. He had to stuff his fist in his mouth to stifle the peal of hysterical laughter that was threatening to erupt from his mouth. “Honestly, Merry...”

Her letter continued:

“I am also willing to bet you are worrying yourself into a misery, trying to decide it now is the right time, or if you should wait...what is the best thing to do? What would I want? Are you rushing? Should you get another opinion? Are there other options? 

“...and worst of all...

“How are you going to look Liam in the eye and tell him someday that you made this choice?

“Well, here are the answers for you, my dearest friend, because I cannot bear to think of you in such pain:

“—if you are even looking at this letter, then yes. Yes, it is the right time. Because you love me so well, you would never even think about making this decision otherwise. What would waiting accomplish? Prolonging it another day? Two days? A week? To what purpose? If you can come up with a real answer to what waiting will accomplish, then, perhaps, yes, put it off a bit...and that is the best thing to do. But if there is no reason to wait, then there are no real other options. No other opinions. And someday, you will look at Liam in the eye, and tell him you made this decision because you loved me so well, there was no other choice to be made.

“The last night you expect me to be present, if you feel that guilt will eat you alive for the knowledge of it, spend it with me one last time, playing tunes you know that I’ve loved hearing you play so well. Then kiss me, and know I will be watching over you until we meet again, and meet we shall. 

“Love never dies, Aiden. And while I may not have been able to give you the same love I have given to Tom...it is because I gave it to him first, and once given, could never be taken away. Nor would you ask me to do so, for once given, can never be taken away in the full measure. You deserve so much better than an abridged version. You deserve nothing less than the full score.

“And I do love you, Aiden Forsythe. Thank you for everything that I have written above, but most of all, thank you for having been my friend, and for this one last favor. You are, and always have been, the one who has held me up, held me together, and most importantly, held and will continue to hold my beloved son Liam as I no longer able to do so.

“Meredith Skye”

The letter fell from between his nerveless fingers. He sat, for many moments, simply breathing, for he was able to do nothing else.

His phone beeped, and he looked at it.

From Tom:

Aiden, I don’t...she won’t open her eyes to look at me anymore. Kelly says she isn’t hurting, but...she doesn’t respond to my words or touch, and not even the incessant shrieking warnings from these machines jar her, and you know how she hates those sounds...was she this out of it last night?

Aiden responded:

Tom, I am bringing my violin to play for her tonight. I think that will help her, a lot.

Tom texted back immediately, much heartened by this idea. He was certain Merry would respond to that.

Aiden rose, found his violin, and began tuning it.

He arrived at Merry’s bedside, carrying his violin and a vast amount of coffee. Tom was seated at Merry’s side, his head resting on the bed next to where he had clasped her small hand in his. Merry’s skin was pale, almost grey, whereas Tom’s was flushed.

“Tom?”

Tom awoke with a start, and his head turned towards Merry’s face without even thinking about it. Seeing she had not moved, he sat up slowly, and began to rub the back of his neck. “Oh, Aiden...yeah, Kelly said they could shut those alarms down, there’s a central bank...no sense in giving both of us headaches and shredded nerves...so I guess I fell asleep.”

“Nothing wrong with that. I brought a lot of coffee, help yourself, I know for a fact it’s better than what’s available in the floor machines...”

“Ah, no, thank you. I hope once I get Liam settled for the night to get some sleep myself. If I have a load of caffeine, I won’t rest a wink.”

Both men conveniently ignored the fact that neither would be able to truly get a decent’s night rest.

“Liam getting to sleep for you alright then?”

“Not too badly,” Tom lied. He had been holding Liam in his arms until his son fell asleep, which was wildly contrary to his normal good sleep habits. As to who was being comforted by this new arrangement, it was difficult to say. Once Liam was well and truly enjoying the sleep of an exhausted preschooler, only then did Tom get up and leave his son’s room.

“Good, good...”

Tom looked wistfully at Merry. Aiden could tell he did not wish to leave her side. Did he know, somehow? Did he have a sense, an intuition his beloved Mozart was slipping further and further away from him?

“Liam is waiting for you, Papa Bear,” Aiden prompted him gently. “He can’t wait to tell you all about his walk this morning...the keyword to take away from the adventure is what Merry doesn’t know...” he stopped. He had been about to joke, in the camaraderie of men against women, nay, fathers and uncles and suchlike against mothers, that what Merry did not know would not hurt her, but found he could not continue. Abruptly, he turned away to look out the window. “He had an exciting morning,” he concluded.

This time, it was Tom who gave him the one-armed hug, before departing.

“Merry, your son is fine,” explained Aiden, before he turned around to look at her on the bed again. “It’s a well known fact boys need to eat at least a pound of dirt in order to grow. Scientific truth. Look it up.”

“I can vouch for you.”

He turned his head to see Kelly leaning against the doorframe, a tired smile on her face.

“Kelly, do you ever go home?”

“Oh, Aiden, didn’t you know? Home is where the heart is, and my heart is here.” She approached him carefully. “I saw Tom leave. I have not given him fact and figures, and he does not know to ask for them. He asks me general questions and I give him general answers. I have not lied nor misled him...but I have not been as painfully honest as I could have been, either. I will give him the unvarnished truth tomorrow...I am holding hope, for one more night. If it is foolish of me, then he at least has one more night of it...and if it is not, then why disturb him? He is already in torment.”

Aiden nodded mechanically. “Is there any hope, Kelly, or...?”

She held her hands up. “Aiden, I am flooding her poor body with everything I think she can withstand at this point...because there is nothing left to lose.”

Again, he nodded, and opened his case.

“Bless you, you sweet darling,” Kelly sighed. “Are you going to play for her, then?”

“I will keep it down,” Aiden promised, as he began to apply rosin to his bow.

“I’m not worried about the noise.”

“Then Kelly, I plan on playing for her all night through...a concert for one.”

The doctor’s eyes softened. “Of course. I should have realized. I will make sure you have the privacy you require.”

Aiden played...

Old favorites. Folk tunes, such as “Ashokan Farewell and “Scarborough Faire.” Older melodies, as Merry always had a soft place in her heart for Simon and Garfunkel’s “Bridge over Troubled Waters,” “April Come She Will.” The newer tunes that he always gave her a hard time about, but now had tears coursing down his face, as he played them as tenderly as with as much love as his fingers could convey, like “The Prayer” and “You Raise Me Up.” But it wasn’t until he started pieces from her beloved Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit films that he felt his heart truly begin to break. She loved them so much, but could barely play or listen to them after she broke with Tom, she had confided to him. She had played them for Tom...and now, Aiden was determined to play them all for her, as many as he could, even as his fingers protested as fiercely as his heart did. It had been years since he played so many pieces at once. But by the gods, he was going to play them for her...May It Be. Into the West. In Dreams. The Last Goodbye...as many as he could manage.

The tears were streaming down his face as he bowed The Last Goodbye when the door came open, and Kelly came in, waving strips of paper at him. He dropped his bow, upset. She’d promised him privacy. This was his chance to give something back to Merry, something she’d given to Tom and not enjoyed since, and now he was giving it back to her, and now it was spoiled...

Kelly was...throwing her arms around him, before he could even set the violin down. “Aiden! Aiden, you bloody miracle worker! Ever since you started playing, her numbers started improving, I swear to God, it’s like a miracle! You need to see these numbers, it’s...her blood pressure, pulse, her temperature, you need to see these numbers, Aiden...!”

“She’s showing signs of improvement, then?” Aiden was refusing to believe.

“Aiden, I’m saying the only decision you have to worry about for the immediate future is what you’re going to play for an encore.”

His face broke into such a wide smile, it is a wonder it didn’t split his face into pieces. “Oh, that,” he said. “Piece of cake.” 

First he hugged Kelly until she squealed.

Then he broke into a gentle but spirited version of “Considering Hobbits” as dawn began to break across the horizon...

...and he saw Merry stir a bit, and give the slightest of dream smiles.

He bent down, and kissed her forehead. It was still hot. She still looked quite ill.

But he knew she was still in there.

“Love you, Skye,” he whispered fiercely. “There and back again.”

When Tom came later, he found Aiden running his hands under cold water.

“Aiden, your fingers!” Tom whispered, aghast. “What did you do, man, play all night long?”

“She seemed to like it,” Aiden replied nonchalantly.

“Did she wake up? Say anything?” Tom asked eagerly.

“Nooo...but I thought I saw her smile,” Aiden answered honestly.

Tom never did learn how close he came to losing his Mozart over those few days. Aiden never mentioned to Merry how he played his heart out that night, thinking it might be his last chance to be alone with her—knowing full well if Kelly was to break the news as they knew it to Tom the following day, it would take a bomb to dislodge him from her side, even if it wasn’t her last night drawing breath.

A year later, however, there was a changing of the guard. Aiden was formally relieved of his duties as Merry’s medical proxy, not that there was the overwhelming need there had been before, as Merry’s condition had improved drastically from Dr. Kelly Florence’s treatment, and she had never looked back. Merry refused to say the word “remission,” in fact she would become very touchy and cross if the word was used in front of her, but the truth was she had not had a reoccurrence of leukemia in over a year at this point. 

Aiden, Tom, Liam, and Merry were living comfortably together, an odd family arrangement by any definition, but it worked and suited them perfectly. For awhile Merry needed to stay close to Sloan Kettering, but as time passed, she was no longer required to come in as often, and she was obviously growing stronger and healthier. Tom would come and go as his jobs required it, and it was during one of his absences Aiden approached Merry with the idea of having Tom become her proxy, instead.

“Merry, I am not saying I no longer wish to be your voice,” he earnestly explained to her. “But think about it. I am aware...well aware...of how very close you and Tom are,” he teased, for the sheer joy of watching her face color as he made his voice more suggestive and leered at her like a caricature villain.

“Stop it,” she muttered. “You came back very early, and Liam was at a sleepover...”

Aiden playfully bumped her shoulder and continued, “Just think about it. I will be your proxy until the end of time if you wish. However, as the situation has changed, I wanted to let you know I was open to the idea if you wanted to rethink things. I believe Tom could handle things better, since you’re now...”

“Don’t say it,” Merry interrupted him, pointing her finger at him.

He held his hands up in the air. “What I was going to say, Madam, was you are now enjoying a state of health where if such a decision had to be made, it would either come as a complete shock to everyone involved, because you had your head locked in some musical clouds and stepped in front of a bus, or else we had a long lead time, and we were all starting from the beginning again...in short, like anyone else in the world. No corporate knowledge required.”

Merry sat back on the sofa they were sharing, looking at him for a long moment. Liam was asleep, and she and Aiden had started watching a movie that had lost their interest about half an hour into the viewing. She tugged at her hair, a short curl that barely covered her ear, a nervous habit she had acquired now that her hair regrowth was just long enough begin to annoy her instead of be a source of wonder. 

Aiden batted her hand away. “Knock it off, Shirley Temple.”

Merry growled at him, “I’ll show you Shirley Temple...” and tackled him.

This was new, this aspect of their relationship. Aiden had never known feisty Merry. Playful Merry. Non-pregnant, non-puking Merry.

Healthy Merry.

As they wrestled and battled for dominance with throw pillows, they were all while mindful to keep their laughing and smack-talking volume to a dull roar lest they awaken Liam and then it would be hours before they get him back to sleep. Aiden easily pinned Merry under two sofa cushions and smugly declared, “I win, Shirley,” and leaned back gently on her as she threatened him with dire retribution if he did not release her immediately...and “stop calling me Shirley!”

As Aiden allowed her to fight her way out, he reflected it was a good thing he had never met this Merry, because if he had, he would have fallen hopelessly, helplessly in love with her, and it would have been soul-rendingly painful when he realized she could have never seen him as anything more than a friend.

But then, as he observed her crawl and snarl, he realized something even more profound: he never could have met this Merry, as she had not yet come into being. This Merry was the result of everything that had come before, and he was just happy to be a part of her life now, in whatever capacity, whatever role he could be.

Merry settled the cushions back to their proper places, and ignored Aiden’s irritating smirk. For all that she had been laughing and growling and playing the game, her mind had never thinking about the proposition Aiden had posed to her.

Aiden had a definite pattern of behavior: he would think often bring up a serious topic he was uncomfortable with, and then deliberately clown around afterwards to lighten his tension and the general atmosphere.

As he had just done.

But why would this make him so uncomfortable? It shouldn’t, for all the reasons he just brought up. If anything, he should be happy. Relieved. Merry knew, logically, she was doing so much better. She knew her relationship with Tom was rock-solid. She knew that Aiden was also comfortable and confident with his place in her life, as well.

“Aiden,” she said, pinning him with her best “Mama” stare, “fetch me the box.”

“Box?” Aiden parried, immediately beginning to sweat. “What box?”

“Oh, don’t even, Aiden. The box in your closet with the duct tape all the way in the upper right hand corner.”

Aiden’s sweat was cold now. “How do you even know about...”

“Because that is where you’ve always kept it, Aiden. It’s at the very top in the corner, so no one can see it, and it’s on the right because it’s your dominant hand. So go.”

Confused but still feeling caught, Aiden did as “Mama” told him, because none of the males in the home was immune to the Mama-voice.

Once she had it in her lap, Merry flipped the box over and pried up the tape. She did not worry about being neat, and the tape came up leaving strips of the cardboard hanging from it. She seemed to take fiendish glee in the messy job. She did not want this to be a clandestine affair. She wanted this box to be as visibly opened as possible.

Aiden opened, then closed his mouth again as he realized what was about to happen.

Merry went straight for her envelope...and found it open...and found one missing.

“Oh, Aiden,” she whispered compassionately. “So, it was like that, then.”

She set the box aside, and opened her arms. For all that Aiden was taller, he still curled into her hug to rest his head on her shoulder. “When?” was all she asked. 

All Aiden would say was, “Honey, the cytokine release...you were very sick. Kelly...she never told Tom how bad you were. But she did tell me, as your medical proxy, that you were...it was bad, Merry.”

Merry was very still, looking ahead of her at nothing, her eyes fixated at some point in the distance that only she could see. “Did you violate any of the directives?”

“No! I never had to make any decisions at all. But, we came close, Meredith Skye. Closer than I want to think about. When Kelly told me that you were getting to the limits stated in your living will, I opened the box. I wanted to read through everything one last time, to make absolutely sure I knew exactly what you wanted. Imagine my surprise when I found this envelope waiting for me that I hadn’t put in the box to being with...”

Merry’s face smiled, very slowly. “Did it help?”

“Gods, yes...Merry, I don’t think I could have faced everything without it. As it turned out, you began to improve that very night, but...the letter made a huge difference.”

Merry squeezed her dear friend tightly. “I am glad, for the obvious reasons, that you didn’t have to make any decisions...but also because you didn’t have to carry that burden. I am so sorry, Aiden. So, so sorry to have put you through that.” Aiden could feel her tears, as they fell into his hair.

“Don’t cry, Merry,” he pulled himself up, and wiped her face. “I am honored to have been the one who has been there for you. The letter you wrote me...I’ve read it until I can recite it, and I will never lose it. And I am not leaving you now. I will still always be here for you. You understand me, don’t you? You get me...right?”

Merry looked into Aiden’s anxious eyes, the same anxious eyes she looked up into almost a decade ago, in the hallway of the music building, outside the women’s bathroom...the same eyes that were terrified but resolute when her water broke, terrified but tender when she had to give that horrible last push to bring Aiden into the world, determined when he all but shoved her into a car to get her to a doctor’s appointment, unwavering when they signed the sheaf of papers in from of them...unhesitating when they boarded a flight for London. 

“Yes, Aiden, I get you,” she answered.

They sat in silence for awhile, not sure what to say next, before Merry looked at Aiden, and grinned. 

“You’ve always been the one to ‘get me,’ and now it’s your turn.”

With that cryptic statement, she stood and kissed his head, and told him goodnight.

Once she was in bed, she received her goodnight video chat from Tom: “All well back at home then, Merry?”

“Yes, Tom. Miss you dreadfully, and can’t wait until you are home as well. Only three more sleeps!”

Tom looked at his phone and laughed at her phrase, knowing well this is exactly how she phrased it with Liam earlier when he was tucked in...he hated missing bedtime/storytime with their son, but he had a shoot that couldn’t be avoided. “So, how many things is he racking up to tell me when I return?”

“Heaps,” Merry responded cheerfully, as she pulled and tugged at the blankets to get them just as she wanted. Tom sighed happily, watching her build a nest. How he adored this woman...

“We all are, come to that,” she added. “Liam has stories...and so do I. Even Aiden has stories. And we’re all going to share them.”

“Sounds marvelous,” Tom saw Merry was sleepy, so her added, “but for now, I think it’s bedtime for all little cellists. Goodnight, Mozart.”

She blew him a raspberry, and then blew him a kiss, as he laughed and ended the call.

Aiden probably wouldn’t tell the full story, but it was time he told his nonetheless, Merry decided. He needed to tell it, so he could close the book, enjoy peace in his heart with the closure, and begin to find his own story.

Tagging: @winterisakiller @ciaodarknessmyheart @villainousshakespeare @alexakeyloveloki @tinchentitri  @hopelessromanticspoonie @yespolkadotkitty @just-the-hiddles @vodka-and-some-sass @theheartofpenelope @sabine-leo @wegingerangelica @o-sacra-virgo-laudes-tibi @jessiejunebug @scorpionchild81@theoneanna @blacksuitofdoom​ @mishaandthebrits​ @rjohnson1280​ @ms-cellanies​ @noplacelikehome77​ @toomanystoriessolittletime​ @catsladen​

[xoruffitup]

Adam Driver/Pale in Burn This

It’s now a week since I saw the play, and less than a month until I go back for Opening Night! Now that I’ve had some time to process past the initial fangirl feels and “He was so incredible, HOW?!”, I’ve finally got more substantive reflections on Adam’s performance and character. (Warning: Spoilers abound!)

This has got to be one of the most interesting and demanding roles Adam has ever played. (Except for maybe that weight loss for Silence) The character of Pale encompasses practically the entire spectrum of human emotion - Including the primal extremes of soul-wrenching grief and violent, blistering rage; along with the tender stillness of affection between the two. The amount of energy Adam expends traveling between these polar extremes so often and so quickly throughout the play is simply awe-inspiring. Somehow, there’s never a moment that feels forced or melodramatic. The most compelling and compulsively attractive quality of his character is his overwhelming vitality - His overzealous emotions, the honest brunt of his emotional expression that is abrasive and shocking and disquieting, because there’s never a single moment when it is filtered through niceties, excuses, or pretense. He is the embodiment of primal instinct and the depth of hard, gritty human emotion most of us would often rather not confront. 

(Also, he has a New York accent through the whole thing. Think the coffee shop skit from SNL.)

I already explained in another post how I saw the play, at its heart, being about the conflict between socially-mediated and disingenuous human emotions vs. the chaotic but purpose-giving deeper forms of human experience. Burton and Pale are representative of these two different modes of being, and Anna finds herself torn between them. Although Pale’s character is brash, crude, and insensitive, his unapologetic honesty and the sheer force and size of his personality make this a performance that is unforgettable in its authenticity and compulsion. He is truly perfectly cast. The director, Michael Mayer, stated very aptly: “Adam has this explosive, dangerous, unpredictable animal quality that really is this character Pale.”

Before I recount the particularly memorable moments of Adam’s performance, I do want to examine the character himself a little bit first. I have to admit, I think I would feel a lot less charitably towards the character had anyone else portrayed him. This is half because Adam has a way of making the character insistently charming, and of course half because I have an instinct to always love Adam on sight. :)) But because I can never quite turn off my feminist analysis lenses, there are still plenty of aspects to this character I have problems with. 

Yes, he’s technically separated from his wife, but he’s still cheating and the fact that he doesn’t tell Anna he’s married before they sleep together is highly suspect.

He lapses into violence when he and Burton meet, and never knows when to draw the line when it comes to being antagonistic. He never pulls his punches, neither in actions nor in words.

While it’s clear Anna reciprocates the attraction, he keeps assuming his welcome and access to her sexually, before giving her the space to work through the many complications their relationship causes. 

He makes unacceptable comments about Anna’s body before they’re intimate. (”You know you got no tits at all.” Yes, it’s a funny moment and Adam pulls it off for genuine laughs without it sounding lecherous, but still a red flag.)

He never confronts or admits the fact that he should have been more present for his brother. Anna says that Robbie talked about Pale and liked him, but Pale never seems to give full recognition or respect to Robbie’s sexuality or his artistic endeavors as a dancer. (It sat heavy with me when he used a slur to refer to Robbie and Larry.)

There were a couple moments when the character vacillated a little too close for comfort towards thoughtless, irreverent masculinity. Without Adam to endear the character to me, it’s likely I would have come away disliking him in full. 

But then - There were the touching, debilitatingly gentle moments that Adam portrayed with such feeling, it was impossible not to be taken in and share this character’s pain. 

He weeps. A lot. I mean full-body, hiccuping, sniffling, red-face weeping. Adam would sweep his hair back from his face, and that wasn’t the face of an actor working to manufacture tears - It was the face of an utterly broken man trying desperately to hold the tears back.

The sounds that are impossible to distinguish between screams and sobs. The first time he breaks down, he sinks to his hands and knees and with his head hanging, just starts screaming under the weight of everything he’s feeling. It’s jarring and unexpected, after his character spent the last 10 minutes in a rapid-fire, curse-laden monologue bitching about parking and how dirty and shitty the whole city is. But these screams aren’t angry anymore. They’re so full of every other emotion, they’ve become empty and helpless. Rather than extending the blistering, raging energy Pale charged in with - The primal sound is him breaking apart and all of the rage cracking open to abandon him, leaving him utterly hopeless. 

Although he makes comments about Anna’s body and her state of undress when she answers the door that hint yes, he notices her, he does seem to fall into their intimacy just as haphazardly as Anna does. This is a very, very fine balance Adam does a fantastic job portraying, because if this were lost then the character would lose any shred of likability or respect. He’s not preying on her because she’s grieving. If anything, it’s actually the opposite. He’s the grieving one in need. When they first sit down on the couch together and he puts his arm around her to hold her, he seems to be the one seeking comfort more than she. Their first physical contact is gentle and respectful, and Pale seems to seek it because he’s the more vulnerable in that moment. And its out of that vulnerability that they share a moment of profound connection. When they kiss, it doesn’t just feel like a distraction. It feels like the first genuine form of mutual understanding that’s happened on the stage so far. 

Although yes, he takes it a bit too far in assuming they’re a ~Thing now and of course they’ll continue sleeping together, this intimacy with Anna is just as bracingly genuine as everything else he does. And although the character can be insensitive, this is not selfish. The intimate moments with Anna are achingly quiet and fragile, showing that both of them are on equal terms to the extent that they’re exposing their true selves to the other. Pale becomes slow, quiet, and tender - The effect equally as impactful as his massive, violent moments; And devastating in its difference from his louder moments.

This line alone - One of the most memorable moments to me, the first time they kiss: “Let’s just start up the engines real slow here … maybe go halfway to the city and stop for somethin’ to eat … You talk to me, okay? … You’re gonna find out there’s times … I’m a real good listener.” He’s opening up and being honest with her about the extent of his own grief, but at the same time wants to give comfort just as much as he’s seeking to receive it himself.

The fact that he LISTENS when Anna breaks thing off, and finally gives her space to think everything through and make choices independently. The way he silently got dressed, tied his shoes, gathered his things, and gave her that last soft kiss before he left. 

“I’m gonna cry all over your hair.” - Delivered as a chagrined apology.

While looking up the script, I found this quote in a summary of the play and it really captures Pale’s essence perfectly: “Menacing, profane, dangerous and yet oddly sensitive, Pale is both terrifying and fascinating and, in the end, the one who brings to Anna the unsettling but compelling love that, despite her fears and doubts, she cannot turn away.”

NOW, let’s talk about Adam. It’s no exaggeration to say his first appearance on stage is as a literal hurricane. He doesn’t appear until about 15 minutes in, but then remains on stage for about 30/40 minutes in a blistering, restless bundle of raw energy. He is utterly absorbing, even entrancing. First he’s stalking around the stage yelling about the traffic, bitching that his pants and shoes have dirt on them, criticizing Anna and her apartment. Then he and Anna begin probing the topic of Robbie, and he starts coming apart - His rage unraveling into loud, dramatic misery. Once he sinks to a level of such wretchedness that Anna begins trying to comfort him, their exchanges turn gentle and sympathetic. She leans against him to comfort him, he puts an arm around her, and next thing you know they’re gently kissing. It’s nothing short of a stunning progression, considering that during Adam’s first five minutes yelling on the stage when he seemed clearly repugnant to Anna, I could not for the life of me see how these two were going to end up attracted to each other. And then within a half hour together, it happens. And it’s believable and incredibly touching - Thanks in large part to Adam’s insane range that enables him to embody such polar opposite emotional states and unite them within a single convincing character. 

LET’S TALK ABOUT THAT PURPLE ROBE SCENE. He comes out from Anna’s bedroom in her purple silk kimono-style robe and it’s THE MOST HILARIOUS SHOCK I’VE EVER SEEN. My brain needed a moment to process which was a DAMN SHAME because he first comes out with the robe untied and just underwear underneath before he ties it. So people - Be ready to check out that chest for those couple seconds it’s on display!! :’D

He then spends a few minutes struggling to get his massive arms through the billowy sleeves with holes in weird places, and it’s simply hilarious. As if him wearing this robe (and paired with knee-high socks!!!) wasn’t enough, this entire scene just becomes more and more golden. When Anna’s roommate Larry offers him tea, Pale admonishes him for making it wrong and goes to make a proper pot of tea himself. So picture this - Adam in a women’s purple silk robe, expertly fussing with a kettle on the stove, then very precisely pouring out tea with a dishtowel wrapped around the kettle handle (to keep from burning him of course.) I just.... cannot believe I was blessed to witness that. :’)

I honestly don’t know how Adam doesn’t lose his voice! He does an insane amount of yelling and screaming, and holds nothing back. But even as he’s yelling most of his lines, he’s sending the audience into hysterics every other minute. Pale’s monologues are absurd and bizarre and only half lucid. It would be so easy for both actor and audience to just get lost adrift in these long verbal onslaughts - But Adam manages to give meaning to everything, and also somehow convey a connection between his far-fetched rants and some emotion the audience can tap into. The way Pale sees the world and the descriptions he uses are thoroughly unconventional and strange - And yet Adam’s delivery elevates them to more than just the ravings of a man on amphetamines. He becomes insightful, perhaps even clever, with a total lack of self awareness and thus zero pretensions. 

All in all, the two most important elements of Adam’s performance:

He can deliver the kind of sweeping, consuming, all-encompassing emotion and desperation that this character demands

He can balance the spectrum of the character’s explosive emotional displays with just enough control to make Pale someone we can still root and feel for. He makes Pale just purposeful enough that he never quite hurdles past the point of losing self-control or becoming unhinged. Yes, his character is unsettling and threatening in some moments (we certainly believe Anna when she says she is scared of him), but he is not aggressive or violent by nature. The audience can recognize that the volatility within him is just as likely to turn him gentle and sincere as it is to cause the explosive moments. We can feel all too easily why Anna cares for him so quickly and deeply. 

Not only does Adam bring the character to life with unforgettable spirit and biting intensity, he also brings heart and sympathy to a character who - for me - could easily have had neither on the page. I’m so thankful I got to see this stellar performance, and it’s truly no exaggeration to say Adam is hands-down one of the most talented actors in the biz. I hope lots of fans will get the chance to see him in this insane, brilliant role. <3 If anyone has any further questions at all, I would be more than happy to answer!

[letterboxd]

The Last Artists.

“From the outside it seems like this dream scenario… but the truth is it took years working on drafts and wondering if anyone would ever read them.” —Joe Talbot on The Last Black Man in San Francisco.

A love story to San Francisco, to one grand Victorian house in particular, and to a life-long friendship, The Last Black Man in San Francisco was many years in the making. And it paid off: Joe Talbot picked up the Best Director prize at Sundance 2019 for his debut feature, a story drawn from the life of his best friend (and the film’s leading man), Jimmie Fails. A close-knit family of creatives grew around the project, and became a vital support system for Talbot when his father had a stroke just weeks before the shoot. Since January, critical accolades for the film have snowballed. Most recently, it appeared in our ten highest-rated features for the first half of 2019.

Letterboxd reporter Jack Moulton took the opportunity for a lengthy chat with Talbot about his remarkable debut feature. The interview contains a virtual masterclass in first-time feature film development (and the persistence required to see it through), along with some never-before-seen images shared exclusively with us by Joe. Also: some plot spoilers, which we’ve left until the very end.

Joe Talbot and Jimmie Fails in 2014, photographed by Talbot’s brother, Nat Talbot.

Thanks for agreeing to a good chat with us. Are you on Letterboxd? We have our suspicions that you might be. Joe Talbot: Yeah. I love it. I found Letterboxd before we shot the movie. I use it to save movies to watch for later and look up movies people recommend. Occasionally I read the reviews of films I’ve just watched, they’re often really thoughtful.

Can we share your username? You could be the next Sean Baker. The one I have right now is more of a lurking profile so it’s not very formal. I made one that’s a little more presentable for you under my name.

Are you in San Francisco right now? I am. If you can hear my heavy breathing, I’m actually walking up one of the steeper hills that Jimmie and Montgomery crest in the movie and see the skyline. That’s what I do for every interview, I like to walk up the hill to put me in the film. Just kidding, this is the first time I’ve done it. I’m just walking with a friend and we’re about two thirds of the way up. Woo!

We’ve just published our halfway top 10 of the year. The Last Black Man in San Francisco is in second place, between Avengers: Endgame and Booksmart. How does this make you feel, and how do you cope with reviews (whether they’re full of praise or criticism)? Wow, that means a lot. I find the reviews informative, though have to admit I don’t read too many of them. In general, it’s great to know that there are people that love movies enough to get into debates and write passionately, either about how much they loved them or didn’t like them at all. Having platforms like Letterboxd and finding those communities online can be really great, even if they’re not made up of people in your city.

Given that the film has relatively low stakes—it’s not life or death, it’s house or no-house—what gave you confidence that audiences would connect to Jimmie’s story? I don’t know if we were ever confident. You never fully know. You hope that if you share something that has meaning to you then it will have meaning to others. That was our guiding light.

We finished the movie four days before the Sundance screening, so that was the first time watching it with any audience. I looked over at [Plan B producer] Jeremy Kleiner when the movie ended; he said “the tweets are good”. I looked around and realized the whole audience were on their phone as soon as the credits rolled.

I only had a short film play at Sundance before [American Paradise in 2017, also starring Jimmie Fails] so I didn’t realize part of our culture now is the need to immediately respond to something—but luckily they were nice. It will be much more anxiety-inducing going into my next feature now that I know how all this works.

We wanted to make something that captured the San Francisco that we grew up in and feel very strongly about. We’ve travelled to Chicago, DC, New York, LA, and Atlanta with the film and I was surprised to see how much people were connecting to it. In a way, Jimmie and I say it is unfortunately universal because it means the same things are happening everywhere.

This idea has lived with you and Jimmie for a long time. Can you talk us through the journey of the film? We’ve been informally talking about it for at least seven years and it’s gone through so many incarnations. We always envisioned it as the first feature that Jimmie and I would make after many years of making short films together. This story felt big enough in scope and there was a lot that we wanted to cover.

We wanted to tell a story about Jimmie and this Victorian home he once lived in and make it a valentine to the San Francisco we grew up in, that we see as being lost. We also wanted to celebrate all the wonderful people who are here that make this city what it is. That’s a big part of what we are afraid of losing: the very people that make San Francisco ‘San Francisco’.

An alternative poster for the film, illustrated by Akiko Stehrenberger.

We both lived with my parents for five years—we ran our operation out of the living room there. The first thing we did was shoot a concept trailer for Vimeo. It was a five-minute piece of Jimmie skating through the city telling his grandfather’s story, much like the [feature’s] opening sequence, though I filmed it hanging out of the side of my brother’s car.

Afterwards we got emails from people saying they wanted to help; they would become our core collaborators on the film. Khaliah Neal, Rob Richert, Luis Alfonso de la Parra, Natalie Teter, Sydney Lowe, Prentice Sanders, Fritzi Adelman, Laila Bahman and Ryan Doubiago. They spent years with us, hashing out the script over my parents’ kitchen table and working with us to create a look-book, run an ambitious Kickstarter campaign, write grant proposals and so on.

We felt like these oddballs—the last artists in San Francisco. You get a lot of noes along the way, having never made a movie before, so it was the emotional support that helped us persist through the difficult times. We were excited to be learning together, as a group of mostly first-timers, and were constantly making things.

Our look-book was very elaborate, thanks to our stills photographer Laila Bahman. We built it as a website and staged the scenes as if we were filming the movie, with costumes and heavy art direction. We knew people we pitched were probably seeing materials from other filmmakers who were further in their careers and probably better writers than us. We knew we needed to show the world of the movie so that executives’ imaginations wouldn’t be running off with thoughts of Michael B. Jordan or Donald Glover; that this is Jimmie and this is the plaid shirt we want him in and this is his Victorian. It’s his story.

That helped us get into the Screenwriter’s Lab at Sundance, but I didn’t get into the Director’s Lab, which I was initially bummed about because I really needed that experience. Our Kickstarter was very successful and those backers created a grassroots ground-swelling around the movie that pushed it forward, even though it was difficult in pitch meetings as we weren’t the most bankable pair in such a risk-averse industry.

In a last-ditch effort, my crew and I decided to do our own Director’s Lab instead. We felt if it doesn’t work now then that might be it for Last Black Man. I’d never made a proper short with a budget before but a producer named Tamir Muhammad, who had a short-lived venture within Time Warner called OneFifty, gave us the money to make what would become American Paradise. It gave the crew a chance to get in the trenches together before moving on to a feature, and show the potential of what we could do.

The team who’d assembled from our concept trailer years before all worked on American Paradise, from Khaliah Neal, Rob Richert and Luis Alfonso down the line. We worked with production designer Jona Tochet and even the sound team of Sage and Corinne (who would all go on to work on Last Black Man). In a city increasingly devoid of artists, we felt we’d found our people.

The short was different from Last Black Man, but features Jimmie playing the same character. After it played in Sundance it got the attention of Plan B’s Christina Oh. They took a big leap of faith on us, only having ever made that short. There’s not a lot of people willing to do that.

Khaliah, Christina and Jeremy approached A24 and we were in production two months later. From the outside it seems like this dream scenario of having the incredible indie studios Plan B and A24 behind us, but the truth is it took years working on drafts and wondering if anyone would ever read them. I think the extra time we had helped, because if we had the chance to make it two or three years ago, I don’t think we would have been ready.

Jimmie Fails and the creative team behind ‘The Last Black Man in San Francisco’ at the 2019 Sundance Film Festival. / Photo: Sue Peri

What was the first movie you made with Jimmie when you were teenagers? The first half-decent thing we made was a movie that my brother and I co-directed called Last Stop Livermore. I am actually in it alongside Jimmie and that was my first and only time in front of the camera. I learned my place pretty early on.

Didn’t you have a cameo in Last Black Man? I swear I saw you. I did have a cameo. As long as I’m not speaking, I’m okay. But even then when I just had to look at Jimmie once it was very difficult for me to do. I needed four takes for that shot, ha ha. I’m much more comfortable on the other side.

Jimmie, however, was really good in [Last Stop Livermore]. We made it while I was in high school before I dropped out, and it got into the San Francisco International Film Festival. Like everything we do, it’s based on something that happened in real life when a friend and I felt like we were fish out of water, going off to meet some girls in the suburbs.

That attention the film got, however minor, encouraged us because until that point only our family, friends and my high school teacher had seen our movies. Oh and Jimmie still had a flat-top—just thought I should add.

The film features the most important house of the year [Editor’s note: at least until the rest of the world sees the Parasite house, designed by the great Namgoong]. How did you find Jimmie’s house and what made it the house? It took us over a year and a half to find the house. We combed the streets with my co-producer Luis Alfonso de la Parra and production designer Jona Tochet and knocked on doors. In hindsight, a more efficient way would have been to use Google Maps but this way we could see inside the houses.

Unfortunately, the interiors would usually be gutted and have IKEA furniture and granite table tops. As a filmmaker, it was depressing, but as a native San Franciscan it was heartbreaking because the details inside all these beautiful houses were destroyed. It’s a thing that a lot of real estate agents do when they flip houses.

We ended up going back to a house that I had driven past as a kid on my way to elementary school. My mom, my brother and I would pick out our dream Victorian houses on our family car ride since we couldn't afford a proper one. I went back to one of the houses that had always stuck with me. After we found that house, it felt like we had cast a major character in the movie.

When we first knocked on the door of the house that would become Jimmie's home in the film, an older gentlemen greeted us and within seconds beckoned us inside. As we entered, we found a home that had not been gutted, but instead had been lovingly restored. Jim, the homeowner, much like Jimmie, the actor, had spent more than half of his life working on the house.

He carved the witch hat you see in the movie shingle by shingle and did the honor of putting it on the roof himself. He fixed the organs you see in the film and built Pope's hole in the library. In many ways, he felt like the spirit of San Francisco.

As a now elderly man, we would have understood him declining our wants to film there -- or charging a buttload to help him in his retirement. Instead he welcomed our big crew into his house and charged us next to nothing. I still don't fully know why, but I can imagine he saw shades of himself in Jimmie's love for this Victorian.

In the years we spent location scouting, we would also meet people on the street that we put in the movie. Dakecia Chappell was working at a Whole Foods in the confectionery section, near a ‘potential Jimmie’s house’ around the corner and she was just really charming, so I offered her the ‘Candy Lady’ part in the film. We met the mover who tells Jimmie the homeowners are moving out late one night at a taqueria on Mission Street. This extra time allowed us to capture the little details of what our San Francisco is like.

Even after your major backing from Plan B and A24, was there a point on set where it felt like everything was falling apart? I’m sure there are directors that aren’t plagued by the self-doubt I had. I didn’t go to film school and I felt isolated in San Francisco since a lot of the filmmakers have left for Los Angeles or New York. I was feeling this imposter syndrome. You’re both really joyous and grateful that you finally have a chance to make a movie, but also feel the weight of the city and wanting to honor what’s happening to people there. In every stage you have big and little freak-outs. The only thing that got me through it were the people around me. They bring perspective when you might not have it.

A couple of months before we shot the film my dad had a stroke. He survived, thankfully, and he would say half-jokingly “I survived to see the movie”. My parents struggled as artists themselves in their lives and yet they created this loving home that allowed us to make the movie. I look up to my Dad a lot, so when that happened that was really scary, and it happened during the height of the pandemonium of prep.

By that point our creative collaborators felt like family and they did everything for us. They came over to my house, brought us food, did as much as they could to take work off my plate so I could be with my own family. That always sticks with me when I remember tough times. You could say it’s just a job, but they treated it like so much more. So while it sounds corny, I think the spirit which comes with people being so loving and kind becomes imbued in the film.

Very glad to hear your dad is okay. The scenes with Jimmie’s parents are so powerful; you really get a greater sense of his isolation. It’s amazing his mom agreed to be in the film as a fictionalized version of herself. How did you and Jimmie sketch those scenes? The scene with his mom is loosely based on something that happened. Jimmie was raised mostly by his dad and he’s very close to his parents now in a way that’s very different from the relationship that he had with them growing up. He and his dad have worked through a lot.

Jimmie Fails as Jimmie. This and the header photo are by Laila Bahman.

It’s hard to pack in all the complex details that makes someone who they are because you don’t have enough screen time to do that sometimes. These elements were pulled from the walks we’d take during the earliest developments when the idea was more informal and we’d talk about Jimmie’s family.

One story that Jimmie always recalled both humorously but also quite painfully was about the guy who had driven off in the car that he and his dad were living in at the time. We thought it would be funny if there was a character who never acknowledged that he’d stolen the car but claimed that he was still borrowing it. We knew Mike Epps would be the perfect person for that. It was a story that came from a kernel of truth but took on a life of its own.

Why was Jimmie’s dad pirating The Patriot, of all movies? The tonal juxtaposition made us laugh. Ha ha, it was in the public domain.

We loved the score. What are some of the soundtracks that inspired you while making the film? The Last of the Mohicans, The Day of the Dolphin, The Claim, Batman (and also the animated TV show’s score actually rivals Elfman’s), and Far From the Madding Crowd.

You’ve spoken in another interview about how you and Jimmie fear friendships like yours aren’t possible with the type of gentrification that’s going on. However, nowadays you can meet some of the important people in your life over the internet. Could the bonds we make online compensate for what’s being lost on the streets? I think the internet is a double-edged sword. It both brings people together that you could never have met, such as how many of our closest collaborators first found our concept trailer online. But I do fear it also plays a part in people developing shallower, less intimate connections. I have friends who I love who will go to events seemingly just to get a good Instagram photo out of it. I’m sure I’ve suffered from similar instincts. That scares me.

Montgomery adds so much tenderness and insight to the film. Given he’s Jimmie’s best friend and he’s also an artist, is he your avatar in the movie? How did the casting of Jonathan Majors inform the development of his character? Montgomery is actually not based on me. Jimmie and I have a friend from the Bay named Prentice Sanders who is one of the more original people we’ve ever met. His spirit influenced the first shades of the character. When Jon came on he took those early sketchings to a whole new level, creating his own backstory, mannerisms, and interests.

On the vanity in his room, Jon decided to put up Tennessee Williams, August Wilson, Barbara Stanwyck, Canada Lee, Richard Wright and Ralph Ellison as inspiration. He had a hand in every little detail. In fact, Jon and Jimmie became very close in real life. They still talk nearly every day.

Warning: the last section of the interview contains spoilers, including for the endings of both ‘Last Black Man’ and ‘Ghost World’. This is your last chance to back out…

How do you direct Jimmie? I imagine you can read each other’s minds at this point. Yeah, there is a weird unspoken connection between us, as we grew up together. Knowing each other for so long allowed us to be vulnerable around each other. As a director, inevitably there are days on set that are stressful, scary, and tense, so being able to go for a walk around the block together to recalibrate and feel present was helpful.

This film asked something much different than anything we had done before. We’d never written a feature script and most of our shorts were ad-libbed. Honestly, everyone broke their backs to make this. Cinematographer Adam Newport-Berra was a hero. Nobody phoned it in.

But more than anybody, we asked the most of Jimmie. There’s a scene where he’s across from his real mother and the bravery from both of them to do that set a tone that everyone on set sought to honor.

Joe Talbot and Jimmie Fails on the set of ‘The Last Black Man in San Francisco’. Photo by the film’s cinematographer Adam Newport-Berra.

Your collaboration with Jimmie has been so strong for such a long time. Is it a relief for you or maybe a sadness that this phase with him is nearly over? It doesn’t feel like it’s over yet, but I’m sure when it does there will be a little bit of sadness. The movie continues to sell out theaters on a Wednesday afternoon in San Francisco and opened in the little neighborhood theaters that indies barely make it into and it's playing alongside Toy Story. There’s a feeling in the city now that’s hopeful.

It’s been wonderful to witness because I feel like we’ve been working through our feelings about San Francisco in making the movie, and in some ways Jimmie leaving at the end feels a bit like us, how perhaps we can’t be here anymore. I’ve only ever lived in San Francisco my entire life but maybe it is time to go somewhere else.

However, in putting the movie out there I’ve seen so many more natives that feel like people I grew up with 15-20 years ago. People who I thought had been lost but are still out there, fighting to exist somehow through all the changes. I feel like part of me is falling back in love with San Francisco again and I think that feeling is going to go on for a long time.

A lot of people are contacting us saying that they left the theater and they just started writing their own scripts, or writing poetry, or sending us paintings that were inspired by the movie. In a city that is increasingly difficult to exist in as an artist and not always inspiring, this always means something to us.

On the film’s ending: to you, where is Jimmie going? Jimmie is going to start his legacy somewhere else—to fully be himself and start anew, following the footsteps of his grandfather. And it’s more fun to shoot it that way than have him ride away on a BART train.

One interpretation of the ending we’ve heard is that it was all in Mont’s head, and in “reality” it ended on a more tragic note. So some viewers felt it as hopeless, but you in fact intended it to be more hopeful? I think we wanted to leave it open to interpretation. I talked to Thora Birch [who has a small role in Last Black Man] about the ending of Ghost World, because that always left an impression on me. I interpreted it as a suicide when I saw it as a teenager and she had told me that she felt that way about it too, but there are also people who thought she was going off to art school. I feel our ending works in the same way.

I don’t see any interpretation of it as invalid, but what your relationship is to your city affects what you bring to it. Either way it’s a bittersweet ending, because it is a loss for Jimmie and Mont’s friendship, and for the city. Like, San Francisco doesn’t deserve him anymore.

Discover the films that inspired the look and feel of ‘The Last Black Man in San Francisco’.

[carmenlire]

Sitting Pretty

Part II to my Mafia AU!

read part I

read on ao3

“Shut the fuck up, Jace.”

Alec’s voice is barely a whisper of air between them. His total concentration is focused on the lock before him. One hand is holding the end of a stethoscope to the vault door while the other turns the combination lock painstakingly slow.

Barely even breathing, he really does not need to listen to Jace try to rap a verse from A Milli under his breath.

Thankfully, Jace stops trying to impersonate his favorite rapper and Alec listens as the last tumbler falls into place with the quietest of snicks.

Alec loops the stethoscope around his neck and with a sharp gesture to Jace, he carefully starts to open the vault door.

Wryly, he reflects that most seventeen year olds probably don’t have their own lock pick kits and they sure as hell couldn’t be found in the private library of one of the most influential judges in the city.

Alec will be eighteen in September but that seems a million years away. It’s a warm June night, the humidity enough so that five minutes outside has his shirt sticking to his back, but he can feel his freedom so close that he can almost taste it.

He hasn’t told his dad about his plans yet. He’s not afraid but he doesn’t relish that conversation either. Robert keeps talking about grooming Alec to follow in his footsteps eventually. This summer is an apprenticeship of sorts and Alec has gone along with it, hoping that it will help soothe ruffled feathers in a few months when he tells his dad that instead of following in the family’s footsteps, he’s been accepted into Columbia’s pre-law program.

So far, his assignments have been small and nothing he hasn’t done before. He might have just graduated from high school but he’s been well-versed in the Lightwood’s business since he was fourteen and just learning the most effective ways to extract information from a particularly tight-lipped source.

Tonight’s assignment is a little more sophisticated, a little more high-stakes. He and Jace-- his adopted brother that the family had taken in almost ten years ago-- had been told to visit Judge Huckley’s townhouse on the Upper West Side and secure a packet of incriminating evidence that the man had on Alec’s father.

They’d dressed as police officers, slipping into the back door unobserved. After spending the afternoon studying the blueprints of the home, they’d made their way to the library on the second floor with careful steps, making sure that they avoided the security cameras Huckley had installed along the hallway.

Gaining entry into the library, Jace had been lookout while Alec went over to the safe hidden behind a Matisse painting. The vault was over a hundred years old and by sheer coincidence, it had been one of the first models he’d ever practiced on.

Most people had soccer practice after school. Alec learned the fine art of lock-picking, among other equally vital skills.

As he opens the door, Alec nods once at Jace and his brother pads quietly into the hallway. Looking through the contents of the safe with a penlight, Alec sees a few pieces of jewelry tucked safely away and a dozen folders. Huckley isn’t due back for quite some time-- they’d watched him leave with his latest mistress almost an hour ago-- so Alec opens the top folder, skimming through the contents.

He knows what he’s found almost immediately.

He takes the folders and lays them on the desk to take with him. Turning back to the safe, he finds the packet with Lightwood scrawled across the front. He opens the packet and takes the first page out to make sure he has whatever Robert needed.

As he sees photographic evidence of his father and one of his underlings disposing of a man Alec knows was a snitch, he nods to himself grimly.

He’s just closing the safe door and spinning the lock back to the precise number that it’d been left at when he hears it.

The front door opens and Alec can hear two sets of footsteps echoing in the foyer.

Jace ducks his head into the library with a panicked look. For being groomed to take over, Alec’s experience out in the field is paltry at best. While he paid attention during his lessons, Alec thought that he’d just have to bide his time on small assignments until he could get the fuck away from the family business and forget just how tarnished its name was.

Jace, for his part, is on the same page. Alec went with him just last week to the ROTC office. His brother wants to be an Air Force Captain one day and Alec knows that neither of them have signed up for this.

Still, Alec learned well at Robert’s knee and he remains calm as he takes a crucial second to process the fly that’s just landed in the ointment.

Grabbing the folders and incriminating evidence, Alec jerks his head toward the balcony. They might have to scale down the wall to the ground but there’s no other choice.

Jace has taken a single step into the library when they both freeze.

There’s the unmistakable sound of someone getting slapped, a pained cry followed by a sickly thud.

“You goddamn whore,” Huckley bellows out from downstairs. “Did you plan this? Do you have any idea how much you humiliated me this evening, in front of my friends and colleagues?”

There’s an indistinct reply before Huckley’s speaking again. His voice is full of rage, full of wounded pride and righteous fury and Alec takes a shaky breath as he listens.

“Judge Huckley, the biggest fucking cuckold in New York City. How many of my friends have you fucked, you scheming bitch? Did you think I wouldn’t find out? Timbers couldn’t keep his eyes off you-- or should I say your tits,” he sneers. “I thought you were a suitable prize to show the boys but it turns out you had your own plans. I saw the way you looked at him, at Foster and Merynthal. You’ve made me the laughingstock of the ninth circuit and I won’t have it.”

There’s the sound of a hand hitting flesh and the woman cries out. Jace and he share wide-eyed looks as a short scream rings throughout the house before it cuts off abruptly. Without thinking, Alec moves forward towards the door, towards Jace.

He’s stopped by Jace’s hand on his chest. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing,” his brother hisses and Alec glares back.

“Are you kidding me? We can’t just let him kill her, Jace.”

Shaking his head impatiently, Jace replies, “What do you want to do? Run down there and blow this mission? Huckley is twice our age and it sounds like he’s drunk. You can’t take him. You’ll get your ass kicked if he doesn’t outright kill you.”

“Someone has to save her,” Alec hisses and shoves Jace aside to stride down the corridor.

He walks to the entryway staircase, with its wrought iron railing that curves against the wall. At the top of the stairs, he looks down and his gut churns at the scene.

The woman’s dress is torn to shreds, half hanging off her body. Huckley’s a looming shadow standing over her as she tries to cower away. Closer now, Alec can hear her desperate pleas and he flinches as Huckley serves a vicious kick to her midsection that has her folding into herself, whimpering.

“I swear I didn’t do anything,” she whispers and Huckley laughs menacingly before he abruptly bends down and grabs a fistful of her hair, yanking her up to just inches from his face. She gasps for air before choking on her breath, all the while tears fall silently down red cheeks imprinted with stark finger marks.

“I knew you were a fucking slut when I picked you up at that club the first time. I thought you were a smart whore, though, and that you knew better than to play with fire.”

He yanks her closer, seems to get off on her pained yelp. “Do you know what happens when you play with fire, little girl?”

He doesn’t give her a chance to respond before he leans imperceptibly closer and whispers, “You get burned.”

A hand wraps around the woman’s throat and Alec’s learned enough to read the intent in Huckley’s position, in the tension in his arms.

Huckley’s voice wavered in the way a drunk’s does. His movements are violent but the slightest bit unsteady. He’s made up his mind and Alec knows that he has no intention of stopping until she’s dead.

Alec bolts down the stairs. His mind feels a million miles away as he focuses on one thought. He can’t let the judge kill the girl. He has to do something.

Even as panic and fear drown his gut, it’s like everything is razor sharp. There’s a calmness to his movements, an icy focus as he takes the stairs and runs over to the pair.

Without ceremony, he yanks the judge away from the woman. Huckley’s fingers leave scratches along her throat and blood wells up in the shallow tears. She gasps for breath after desperate breath, clawing her way away from the two men.

Alec’s attention barely wavers, though. Huckley wrestles in his grip before getting free. Like a charging bull, he spins around and puts his full force behind a right hook.

Alec ducks just in time and it’s like the red flag’s been waved.

Alec might be young but he hit his latest growth spurt a few months ago. He’s well over six feet tall now but Huckley still towers over him by a few inches and he’s built like a goddamn bulldozer while Alec still has the leanness of youth.

His agility serves him well but it doesn’t take long before he punches Alec in the stomach with a surprisingly sure hit to his solar plexus that makes him feel like his lungs have been wrenched from his chest. He doubles over and Huckley uses that to knee him in the groin.

With a low groan, Alec falls to the floor and he’s barely aware of Huckley turning him over before there are now hands at his throat. Alec chokes on his breath and his hands scramble up to claw futilely at Huckley’s grip.

Alec has been in his share of fights but nothing like this, nothing where the stakes were so fucking high, where the victor claimed his prize by killing his opponent in cold blood.

Vision going grey at the edges, Alec’s not aware of anything but the blood pounding in his ears and as he looks up, his gaze is hopelessly lost in Huckley’s. Moonlight spills through the windows and bathes them both in icy silver.

Alec looks into the eyes of a madman and sees his own death reflected in the unseeing gaze.

He can feel his heart constrict as he tries to take a breath, tries desperately for just one desperate inhale.

In the next minute, though, something comes over him.

Alec will remember this night for the rest of his goddamn life and the next few minutes are seared onto his fucking soul like the most stubborn of stains.

With a shaking arm, he has just enough strength left to raise it to Huckley’s face. He pushes his thumb into Huckley’s eye, and feels Huckley’s bellow of confused pain deep in his chest. He keeps going. Alec doesn’t give up and his focus is entirely on this one simple task.

He feels the give of the eye and almost immediately, blood starts pouring down Huckley’s face, dripping onto Alec.

Huckley’s grip slackens and Alec pulls away, takes a greedy gulp of air that has nausea building in his throat. He’s gasping, reaching for great lungfuls of merciful oxygen and Alec doesn’t know if it’s the rage or the alcohol or the madness still clouding the judge but Huckley lunges for him again.

The next few minutes are full of grunts and whimpers and wheezing breaths. Flesh hitting flesh and guttural groans echo in the foyer as blood stains the once pristine marble floor. Alec lands more hits than he takes, however, and as he straddles Huckley, he keeps punching the man with all his might, losing himself in the rhythmic pattern.

Huckley lies prone but Alec can still taste the edge of terror that had gripped him, still sees his death lingering just out of reach and he can’t stop. Barely aware of it, Alec reaches a bloodstained hand with scraped knuckles around Huckley’s throat and leans down.

He sees awareness in the judge’s one good eye, a light of recognition.

Hovering over the judge, Alec meets his gaze and now he sees what he must have looked like just a few moments before. He sees the gut-wrenching terror as Huckley faces his own mortality at Alec’s own hand.

For his part, Alec doesn’t feel anything right now except bone-shuddering relief and blazing goddamn satisfaction.

“The Lightwoods send their regards,” he says softly and then he breaks Huckley’s neck, relishing the snap of bone and tendon.

The hall falls silent except for Alec’s great, heaving breaths. Someone touches his shoulder and he jerks back, falling on his ass.

Huckley is a still body beside him.

Looking up, he sees Jace watching him carefully. Neither man moves and Alec’s mind feels wrapped in cotton. Now that the fight is over, it’s like someone’s cut his strings and he collapses, suddenly out of energy.

A whimper cuts through the silence though and Alec’s head snaps up to see the woman still in the house, looking at him with wide eyes full of fear.

He lurches to standing and Jace doesn’t move, doesn’t say anything as Alec takes the few halting steps over to her. She whimpers, and tries to crawl back but Alec reaches her in just a second.

Crouching down, he catalogs the cuts on her cheek and the tear stains that reflect the moonlight.

He reaches a hand out and runs a careful finger over the dark finger marks on her neck, already bruising blue.

The woman watches him and distantly, Alec wonders that she isn’t breathing, that her chest isn’t even moving.

He raises his eyes from her neck to her eyes. There’s a moment, brief but bare where they just study each other.

“If you ever tell anyone who was here, I will find you and those will be the last words you ever speak. Understand?”

She nods once and Alec echoes the gesture before he smiles, just a little. “Leave.”

Scrambling up, the woman stumbles toward the back door. Alec watches dispassionately as she stumbles and trips, falling down onto her knees before she gathers herself up and flees into the night.

Alec stands and his vision wavers. Turning around, his gaze snags on the body and he freezes.

“Oh God, Jace,” he whispers, staring at Huckley. “What did I do?”

His knees give out and Alec falls hard to the marble floor but he doesn’t feel the impact as he studies the judge laying on the ground, neck twisted and face grotesque.

He can’t breathe.

Alec’s barely aware of the wrenching gasps he’s taking as he tries desperately to get some goddamn air to his lungs. It feels like his chest is on fire as he look at the man’s he’s just killed.

His eyes fall down to his hands and he sees dried blood under the nails and palms stained red.

Choking, Alec bends over and throws up right onto the floor. It feels like his organs are trying to escape and he viciously wants to cleanse himself.

I’ve never killed a man before, Alec thinks dully. I’m a murderer.

On his hands and knees, Alec heaves up everything until he’s spitting up stomach acid.

He doesn’t startle this time when he feels Jace lay a hand on his shoulder. He doesn’t look up, though.

Jace gently guides him until he’s sitting up and Alec watches him with glazed eyes.

Jace wipes his mouth and leans forward until their foreheads are touching. Neither one says anything and Jace takes a shuddering breath before he pulls away and catches Alec’s eyes.

He stares into Alec’s goddamn soul.

“You did what you had to,” his brother says hoarsely. “You saved that woman and you killed Huckley out of self defense. He didn’t give you a choice.”

Taking a bracing breath, Jace seems to bolster himself before he continues. “You need to leave,” he says slowly, making sure that Alec understands.

Alec frowns and starts shaking his head. “I can’t leave--”

“Alec,” Jace cuts in sharply. “Take the folders and the evidence and go home. Give them to Robert and take a shower. Burn your clothes. Listen to whatever else he has to say. Let me deal with this.”

“I can’t ask you to--”

“You’re not asking me,” Jace stubbornly replies. “I will clean the house up and set it to rights. I will dispose of the body.” Ignoring Alec’s flinch, he continues, “You’re my brother. Nothing’s changed with that. Let me do this, Alec.”

Let me take care of you is what Alec hears and he’s quiet for a minute, studying Jace before he finally nods.

“Thank you,” he replies hoarsely.

Jace pulls him into a bone crushing hug and Alec wraps his own arms around him mechanically.

He feels a piece of himself knit back into place at the embrace.

“I love you, Alec. I will stand by you, no matter what.”

Pulling back, Alec nods once before he climbs to his feet, Jace following.

He stares down at Huckley’s body and as nausea builds again, he swallows hard. He makes himself study the corpse and sears every detail onto his memory.

This is what I’m capable of, Alec thinks.

He backs away and heads toward the floor where he’d dropped the papers. Grabbing them all up, Alec tries to ignore just how badly his hands are shaking.

Looking at Huckley one last time, Alec turns his back to the scene, to Jace taking off his coat and rolling up his sleeves.

He leaves through the front door and doesn’t look back again.

It doesn’t take long to get home and Alec goes directly to Robert’s office. He sees the light on and pushes the door open, letting it swing until he sees his father bent over paperwork at his imposing desk.

Looking up, Robert opens his mouth before he shuts it close with a snap.

“What happened,” he asks briskly.

So, Alec tells him. The room is silent as Alec explains about the woman and the madness lurking in Huckley’s eyes, and his own desperate need to survive.

Robert listens without interruption until Alec winds down. There’s a few moments of silence before Robert stands.

“You got the file I needed, I assume?”

Nodding dully, Alec holds it out along with the dozen other folders.

“Huckley seemed to be blackmailing a few people. I found these files in his safe. From what I’ve seen, there’s at least one senator and the owner of a shipping company on his list.”

Robert takes everything, tapping it against his palm a few times as he considers his heir.

Finally, he brings a hand onto Alec’s shoulder. Desperately, Alec tries not to flinch away.

“I’m proud of you, son,” he says as he releases Alec and turns back to his desk to settle in his chair.

He stares out the window as he continues, “I remember my first kill. I was nineteen and I found out that the bastard had been doctoring the books and skimming some of my money-- some of our money-- from the till. He never saw it coming.”

Robert’s voice is bemused, proud as he tells Alec about it. Alec feels sick.

Straightening in his seat, Robert flips open the folder about the Lightwoods and starts reading. Absently, he remarks, “Go take a shower and dispose of your clothes. I’ll send a man around to make sure that Jace did a thorough enough job and we won’t mention this again.”

He looks up at Alec and smiles a little. “I was worried, you know,” Robert admits softly. “I didn’t know if you had it in you. I wondered if you had the skills and stomach to take over one day. I’m glad to see that my fear was for nothing.”

Robert dismisses him the next minute and Alec turns on his heel and makes his way to his bedroom.

He strips out of his clothes and lights the fireplace that has him sweating almost immediately in the June heat. He watches as flames devour his blood-stained clothes, as they erase the evidence of what he’s done.

Heading towards the bathroom, Alec turns the water on before stepping into the shower. He doesn’t know how long he stays under the scalding spray but he scrubs and scrubs and scrubs at his skin until it’s raw, until it’s painful, until he can’t feel anything but the burn from the water and the soap.

He can’t get clean, though. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be clean again.

It’s a few days later when Alec comes home from the library. He’s been spending as much time as he can alone, away from everyone and everything he knows. He doesn’t want to be around anything familiar, feels like he’s tainting things by his mere presence.

The library is his safe haven, even if he has to pretend that he doesn't see Jace across the room standing sentry with worried eyes.

Climbing up the stairs, Alec’s exhausted. Opening his bedroom door, he kicks it shut behind him and freezes when he sees the gift laying in the middle of his bed.

He walks over and picks up the box with the accompanying card.

Alexander is scrawled across the front.

He flips open the card and his soul lurches at the note. Somehow, he’s not surprised.

My son,

The first kill is a rite of passage for the men in our family. His death marks your ascension to manhood and what a man you’re turning out to be.

I hope you like the watch and that every time you check the time, you’re reminded of the pride a father has for his son and your capability as the future head of this family and its empire.

You will be king one day, Alec, and I know you’ll do a spectacular job of it.

I’m proud of you, Robert

Alec blinks furiously before he opens the box and sees a silver Rolex staring up at him. The watch cost a fortune and Alec laughs a little, hysterical, and such a gift.

If he’d only known what he’d have to do to get something so exorbitant.

Taking the watch out, he slips it onto his wrist. It’s heavy, seems to weigh more than it should.

It fits perfectly and gleams against his arm. Shivering a little, Alec swallows hard.

He likes it.

Moving over to the window, Alec stares down at at a bustling New York. He’s not stupid, is well aware that the Lightwoods have dwelt in the shadows for decades. He’s the latest in a long line of men who have been groomed to take over such a dynasty.

Alec had thought that he was almost free, though. He wanted to be a lawyer. He wanted the sunlight.

He’s so cold that he doesn’t think he’ll ever be warm again.

With a sigh, something hardens in his chest. This is his life. This is who he was always meant to be.

He knows now that there was never any hope of escaping, that something dark lingers in his chest and clouds his soul.

Huckley was a vicious, heartbreaking lesson but Alec’s learned it well. It wouldn’t do to chafe against tradition.

He sent his regrets to Columbia’s admissions office just that morning.

There’s grief but Alec can’t help but remember those seconds of satisfaction he’d felt before he snapped Huckley’s neck. There’d been pride there before the devastation and Alec knows enough to know that most people wouldn’t have felt that.

Jace finds him a few hours later, still standing in front of the window.

Alec looks up and Jace sucks in a harsh breath before moving over to stand next to him.

Staring over the city-- his city one day-- Alec murmurs, “Did you mean it when you said you’d always stand by me?”

From his peripheral, he sees Jace’s eyes close and his expression looking mournful for a split second before he opens his eyes and meets Alec’s steady gaze.

“I did,” he says somberly. “You’re my brother and my best friend. I’ll always be by your side.”

Alec stares into eyes he knows as well as his own before he blinks once, slowly, and turns to look back out the windows.

“Then, this is our life now,” he murmurs. “And what a life it will be.”

Over the next few months as New York sinks into summer, Alec takes on increasing responsibility. Robert lets him in and Alec learns more in three months than he had in the previous five years.

His assignments become more dangerous and Alec watches life trickle from men with increasing frequency. He’s put through his paces as he becomes intimately acquainted with what it means to look into a man’s eyes and snuff out his life.

September rolls around and Alec turns eighteen. With it, he takes on even more responsibility and his days start to follow a routine.

Alec doesn’t feel anything, though. He does what he’s assigned and he learns the ropes and he watches his father, cataloging all the mistakes he sees and making a list of what he’ll change when he takes over one day.

He doesn’t expect to so soon.

A few weeks after his birthday, Alec walks into Robert’s office and sees his life change once again at the hands of a dead man.

Robert’s throat is slit ear to ear in a grotesque simile of a smile. His father’s eyes are unseeing and Alec walks over mechanically and sees the note pinned to his chest.

Nobody steals what’s mine. Consider this a warning, young Lightwood, that you don’t follow too closely in your father’s footsteps.

It’s not signed and Alec doesn’t have time to figure out who did this before he’s calling for the only person he can think of.

Jace comes running into the office and stumbles to a stop at the scene.

“It looks like Robert took on more than he could chew,” Alec says coldly. “I need you to dispose of his body and get a few people in here to clean this place up.”

Jace nods once and steps closer to lay a hand on Alec’s shoulder.

Stiffening, Alec shrugs out of Jace’s grasp. He stares at what remains of his father as he says, “I’m fine, Jace. I believe I gave you orders?”

There’s the barest beat of silence before Jace replies softly, “Yes, sir.”

Nodding once, Alec leaves the office and goes all the way to his bedroom before he slumps against the closed door.

He doesn’t know who killed his dad but he needs to find out. He needs to tell his men-- no longer his dad’s employees but his own.

Distantly, he thanks God that Izzy is away at boarding school in London at that by a stroke of fate-- which might not have been so coincidental at all-- Max and his mother are visiting her for a few weeks.

Alec gets through the next few months in a blur. He becomes the leader his father always pushed for and his men fall in line with barely a hitch.

He takes over operations and acquires an Athletic Club to use as a front, selling the townhouse and its memories in the process. He works around the clock and shores up relationships and alliances with those who think he’s too young and too vulnerable or too inexperienced to take over the Lightwood Empire.

He proves them all wrong. He oversees construction on the club and makes investments all over the city. More often than not, Alec sleeps in the bedroom he’d fortified at the gym and he makes so many decisions that his head’s dizzy with it.

He spends what little free time he has looking for his father’s murderer. Alec might not have loved the man but in this business, slights can never go unnoticed or unavenged. Alec needs to retain his father’s power and build his own and he can only do that by finding the person who killed Robert and making an example of them.

Alec throws himself into business and doesn’t look back.

A year later, Alec’s sitting in his office looking over his arms dealing profits for the month when there’s a knock on his door.

Bringing the glass of whiskey up to his mouth, he sighs before taking a lingering sip. If it’s not one thing it’s another and Alec’s job is never goddamn done.

He looks down at his watch, at the shining reminder that keeps steady time, and frowns a little.

“Come in,” he calls and settles back in his seat as he sees Jace enter.

“He’s waiting for you,” his brother and right hand man says.

Standing, Alec nods once. “Thanks, Jace. Has he given anything up yet?”

Jace shakes his head. “He refuses to say anything about the lead we’ve found. He’s all yours, man.”

Alec smiles and its glacial. “Well, then, let’s get to the party,” he murmurs and moves to leave the room.

Before he can though, Jace is stopping him with an arm across his chest.

Alec looks up at Jace with a raised brow, not saying anything.

“There are rumours floating around about Bane and I think we need to talk about them first.”

Shrugging out of Jace’s hold, Alec reaches for the door.

“As long as Bane stays out of my way, I’m leaving him be. I have bigger things to worry about than an emerging rival.”

“You’re not worried that he’s going to unseat you? That he’s taking over from his father and by the rumours, doing a damned good job of it?”

Exasperated, Alec rolls his eyes. “He hasn’t come after me yet and until he makes a move, I refuse to split my men even further. I’m still on a shaky foundation, Jace, and I can’t afford to throw my focus onto a man who might never become an issue.”

Jace opens his mouth but Alec stops him with a firm look. “Leave it, Jace,” he says sternly.

He waits a beat to make sure that Jace won’t disagree further before he turns toward the door and heads to one of his interrogation rooms.

Bane was a big name in the underworld but Alec can’t pay him any mind when he’s still trying to figure out who killed his father, when he's still establishing his own rule.

He’s started hearing whispers about his perceived weakness and Alec can’t afford for those to go undefended. He needs something fast and the man currently waiting to be questioned was almost guaranteed to have the answer.

Alec rolls up his sleeves as he strides down the corridor.

He’s relaxed with the quiet authority his men admire shown in his graceful steps. Alec’s the king of his little corner of the world and the next few hours are more of the same.

What a difference a year makes, he thinks wryly and looks down at his watch in reflex, unaware of even doing so.

He nods to the guard stationed outside the door and the man opens it for him as Alec steps smoothly through it.

The man chained to the chair in the middle of the cement floored room looks up on autopilot before he freezes.

He knows that Lightwood has a reputation. He’s heard the whispers and shrinks back in his seat as his chest lurches in fear.

Alec Lightwood stares at him with cold eyes and an icy smile that shows just how unbothered he is by what’s about to happen. With an almost imperceptible nod, another guard rolls a cart laden with tools to the middle of the room.

What he sees on it has the man choking in terror, trying desperately to wrench himself from the chair.

Alec watches his expression with an amused smile and reaches for one of the knives lined up neatly in its tray.

“Now, Randall, I have a few questions. . .”

[kchatjjigae]

Another big day in Kdramaland! We’re counting down the last hours of Leila’s stay in Korea with a march through the city. We get all classy and cultural with tours of a few palaces, one we meant to and one on accident, get our Coffee Prince on while we chase away some hanger, then activate our idol hunting skills as we cross the river back into Gangnam on a hunt for JYP. The offices, not the man. All this before we hit the critical point of our day: Korean Pizza. 

So, so, so many pictures ahead. 

Unlike the leaving of Alix, we knew right from the start of planning the trip that Leila wasn’t going to be with us the entire time the three of us planned on staying. Leila knows precisely at what length journeys stop being fun for her and plans accordingly. It was part of the reason we chose to hit Busan first over Seoul as it would be easier for her to get back to her plane. I’m not certain I’m the person who can leave when I know that other people are still there, having fun without me, but I do admire her for her strength to say “Naw, Bishes, I’m done.” Especially now knowing that she was doing these last few days on a sprained toe. 

As I mentioned in the last post, this day was going to be a Leila and I date, where we toured the palaces, possibly the Hannok Village, and any other old thing we wanted to see that SaraG and Alix had already seen before. It’s not that they don’t appreciate them, but as they’d seen them before, they thought they’d fill their time with new experiences instead. We were all, you do you boos, we’re gonna get our saeguk on. 

Now with the change in our numbers, SaraG has decided to join us! 

With a quick consult to the Naver Maps, we head back towards the palaces, thankfully, at the palaces subway stop. Throughout the station, as we headed above ground, I saw adverts for their palaces museum, which said it had some of the clothing and regalia in residence. Unfortunately, I didn’t make it there, and it’s probably one of my biggest niggling regrets. I’m sure if I’d just said, hey, I really want to go here, the ladies would have been fine with it, but at the time it didn’t seem important enough to make a fuss. That’s okay, it will give me something to go to next time! 

You know, when I go visit the whole giant palace WE ACCIDENTALLY MISSED. 

So we popped above ground and SaraG decided she wanted to hit up the coffee shop next to the palaces where she’d catch up on life now that she has a phone back and wait for us to do our thing.

As we approached Gyeongbokgung Palace, the main royal palace during the Joseon Dynasty, built 1395, the sun was bright and warmer than when we’d been there previously. So the hanboks were aplenty. Here I should probably mention, surrounding these historical areas are hanbok rental shops, where you go in and get dressed in period clothing, rented by the hour.  If you do, not only do you have a fantastic experience, but your entry to the inner palace is free. As we wandered the grounds, this totally makes sense! Watching the people walk around in hanboks really adds to the atmosphere, helps you picture what it would have been like during the Joseon dynasty. Just with less slavery and more selfies.

There was a hot minute where Leila and I had talked about doing this, but as things had changed in the dynamic and, frankly, I wasn’t up for another ahjumma belly pat-down, we decided to pass. Maybe next time. 

On our way in, we spotted a photoshoot going down to what we imagined is an up and coming girl group. You could tell between shots they were freezing in their outfits, their puffy coats tossed to the side, but they took it like troopers. I wonder how those shots turned out.

The outer courtyard was just as beautiful as before, but this time it was even more exciting as we got to go in! Well, after we purchased our very cheap tickets. I did have a moment of GAH when at the self-automated booth, my credit card was declined. There is nothing quite like that moment of panic when that happens. 

Side note. When you’re in Korea, or, I guess, anyplace overseas, use your credit card, not your bank card. I actually went into my bank to talk about this with them about how best to pay for things. I ordered some won beforehand but had planned on just using my bank card while I was there. My bank said that there are actually more fees attached if you do it that way, however, there are no extra fees if you use your credit card. So that’s what I did. I just got cash a couple of times using my bank card, but primarily used the card, just transferring my savings right over to it once I got home.

We ended up having to go through the person manned line where, after hesitatingly giving my card over with crossed fingers, I had no problems getting our tickets.

As it was early, the place wasn’t hugely packed, so we wandered around the buildings on our own, deciding to forgo a guided tour. BIG MISTAKE! Oh sure, we got along fine, had no troubles, but when we saw the cute little school-aged tour guides working on their English skills to other tourists? We were beyond jealous! (We also missed Steve.)

How epic is this?

You’d think by now the experience would be old. The same architecture, the same colors, the same carvings that we’d seen in Busan. But, there’s just something being around all that history, something that has survived, in one form or another, for all these years that’s just fascinating to me. You picture all the things that went on. How was this even created? Built? How did they choose these colors? The toppers at the corners of buildings I couldn’t’ stop looking at.

I also couldn’t stop talking in the formal saeguk accent, which I’m sure was annoying, but I couldn’t stop. 

Check out this throne.

Now picture your favorite Kdrama saeguk hero perched upon it. Do you have a favorite? Share, please! 

Not sure what this is, but it has flowers and faces on the knees. Who does that? It had to be something important. Unless it was just some arts and craft gift to some king of old and he stuck it there because his niece painted it and he’s a good uncle who simply made up some vital reasoning for it to be there. Who’s going to argue? He’s a king!

See how much fun I am to travel with? That’s the sort of brilliance I come up with.

We wandered the endless maze of rooms, of separate buildings, trying to make sure we got through everything we wanted to see. Seriously though? I could probably spend hours there just going through every nook and cranny. Taking each tour, finding out precisely what that thing with the face knees was. 

Seriously, look at this ceiling!

Watching the young girls work industriously on their selfies, again I was reminded that a good selfie is hard work. You want to be all judgy, but they were having so much fun trying different, unique poses, giggling with their friends, all dressed up prettily in hanboks, and it just looked like fun. Plus, they are going to have some great photos later!

And the girls weren’t the only ones in on the game.

As I was saying in the previous post, the fact that this exists in the middle of ultra technologically advanced Seoul is pretty amazing. Seeing all of this history while on the edges you see high rises and electronic billboards, is the perfect blend of the past and the future. Which, in a nutshell, is the ideal description of South Korea itself.

Some areas were busier than others, a few school trips, but everyone was friendly and pretty respectful.

There was another lake in the middle of the grounds.

We were working our way towards a large pagoda in the background as we didn’t really have a map to go along. It’s like when I lived in New York City — just keep the Empire State Building in sight, and you’ll always know where you are. We tried to get to the pagoda but couldn’t seem to find our way, eventually giving up and turning back instead checking out the lake as it was on our way back and people were getting hungry. 

As hanger is a very real thing, we decided to be along our way, to meet up with SaraG, but not before a quick stop off at the bathroom (yes, I have now peed in every single royal palace. Its a thing.) and the gift shop, before heading back to the front. 

But not before one more selfie and one more…weird experience.

We stood in front of my camera… side note: Fun Stephanie Fact of the post? I have very long arms. While it’s a bitch to make sure shirts fit, on the upside? I’m brilliant with group selfies. It’s where I really carry my weight on trips, also why you see my smiling mug front and center on every group shot. I’m not an attention whore, just monkey-like.

So we’re standing there with my camera, and this guy comes up to us and asks if we’d like him to take our picture. Delighted, we said yes and handed him my phone. Posing, we smile in front of the first building where he begins to take photo after photo, crouching into the ground, bending himself in half, moving the camera around, like we’re shooting some sort of album cover. We’re just standing there, smiling, feeling more and more hilariously awkward as he slowly inches forward to us. Should we be moving? Should we be practicing our posing? Are we now disappointing Tyra Banks with our lack of Smizing? Is this guy going to steal my phone?

Finally, he hands me back my phone and with a smile and a bow, simply walks away as we shout thank yous out to him. 

What a weird-fun experience.  

From there, we met up with SaraG, and we decided to wander the neighborhood looking for food and the Changdeokgung Palace, which is known for being the one with the Secret Garden. However, finding food wasn’t as easy as we anticipated and we walked and walked, circling the edges of Gyeongbokgung. We were turning into a more residentially neighborhood and were despairing we’d never find food. Then we found a cute little coffee shop on the corner of an intersection, said good enough and tramped in. There was, in fact, bistro-style food, so we sat there, basking in the sunlight, recharging those batteries, taking a moment just to hang and chat. It was lovely.

Side note. Sitting at a ShareTea drinking bubble tea writing this. It’s post-move, I’m exhausted from a solid week of non-stop, my house is in disarray, so while this post will be late, it’s for a good reason and taking the time to write it is actually giving me a much-needed rest. What makes me think of this is my previous statement: It was lovely, which comes straight from what I hear from the song playing over the shops loudspeakers. 

But now back to it because it really is driving me crazy my house is such a mess. 

Where were we? Ah, a random neighborhood in Seoul. Batteries charged enough to move, we got to our feet and continued onto where we thought the second palace was. Spoiler alert? It was not where we thought it was. We may have done a little shopping in some boutiques as we passed, nothing serious, just some meandering. Looking up, we realized we were right outside the Hannok village, which was straight uphill, up a butt-ton of stairs. Leila noped it and while I was initially disappointed, it was pointed out we had actually been there a few days ago when Alix marched us through on the Kpop shop lookout. We consulted Naver maps again and realized we’d actually walked out of the palace in completely the wrong direction. Feet being what they were, we couldn’t face walking all the way back and then onto the palace. Luckily we were right by a bus stop which appeared to be able to take us right to where we wanted to go and was even more luckily enough to be placed right next to a Churro shop.

Churro in hand, or, more realistically, churro in mouth, we boarded the bus on our way to the next palace.

We passed Gyeongbokgung, which, great news, meant we were at least headed in the correct direction, we passed Gwanghwamun Plaza with its giant statues of Sejong and Admiral Yi Sun-sin . I looked longingly out the window at them. I hadn’t realized we were so close! Visions of Faith popped into my mind, and I itched to explore. Naver announced our stop was upon us, and we piled out of the bus, realizing, uhoh, we should have probably recognized that there were more palaces in the area than just the main two and I probably should have been more specific when I looked at it in the map.

Whatevs. It was a palace, and we were there! So we paid the fee and piled in. It was fun to explore with the three of us. Deoksugung palace was actually a later palace, used for ceremonies and visits of state when the actual people lived in a more modern building. It was interesting to see the two together. New meets old. We continued our long-held tradition of going to the bathroom on royal grounds before we heard it, the drums in the distance. Turns out we were at the wrong palace at the right time, the ceremonial changing of the guards. We watched the procession march by us, the bright colors of their regalia, the bouncing feathers of their hats. 

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Changing of the guard at the Deoksugung palace. From old to new, now headed to Gangnam. #deoksugung #palace #guard #travel #seoul #southkorea

A post shared by Stephanie (@kchatjjigae) on Mar 16, 2019 at 10:27pm PDT

We headed back towards the front gates, following them along, where they waited for the actual ceremony to begin. It was fun to see these people, not at attention, just hanging out, bored. A reminder they are real people, not fixtures of the past.

Once we had our fill of palaces for the day, it was time to begin the real task, heading over the river to try and hunt ourselves down some idols, it was time to go visit the JYP offices. After a wrong start, or a wrong stop, hopping off a stop too soon, we were ready for it, prepared to see the legendary building where the likes of 2PM, Got7, Stray Kids came from. Though not yet. Turns out, he’s cleverly not anywhere near the subway stop, so we hoofed it there, stopping for more, much-needed caffeine. On the way there we passed the location of the Seoul Olympic Games which we saw the empty buildings from our position on the street. Sure, we didn’t actually go to them, but we saw the buildings, so I get to count that on the list of places I’ve been on this trip. 

Don’t agree? Go ahead, fight me. 

Finally, we were there! 

It’s an office. Dude. Get yourself a gift shop. Something. Other fans were milling about. We’d buy stuff. Mr. and Mrs. McFeeley are huge Stray Kids fans, I would have gotten something for them, and the ladies would have encouraged me, despite my DON’T LET ME BUY ANYTHING MORE. But I’d simply be able to get around that by saying, “I said I wasn’t allowed to buy anything else for RYAN. This would be for Sean. Totally different person”. But, since they didn’t have a gift shop, the point was moot. Across the street was a coffee shop, and you could see, the way people were positioned, a lot of them were just waiting for someone to come in or out so they could take a photo, be it for dispatch or just a fan site. Not wanting to be one of those people, we simply circled the block, and when we passed a snazzily dressed and perfectly coifed man, we crafted stories about who he was and what he did for the company.

Good times. 

Realizing we weren’t going to get to have the idol meet-cute we’d desperately dreamed of, we decided it was time to move on, back across the river. 

Oh! I think it was here, but if not, it’s the perfect time to talk about it. Remember the whole thing that was happening while we were there, with Seungri and his band of ugh? All about secret cams and chats and douchebaggery? Well, it’s no lie to say that this is rampant across the country. Did you hear about the member of staff who put a camera in one of the girl’s rooms on a variety show? Or there was a sting that happened at a hotel where people were recording women? It happens all of the time. While we were on the subway, we were separated, which happened when we wanted to snag an actual seat. This particular time, it was Leila and me on one side and SaraG on the other. Next to her was a man on his phone, who we joked looked just like a police detective from a drama. See? I just had to say that, and you know EXACTLY what he looked like. Turns out? 

Not so police-y. 

We got off the train, laughingly told SaraG our ideas, and she was like, “Ummmmm…yeah, he was watching pervy hidden video footage.” Apparently, there are Instagrams out there dedicated to this shit, and this guy is just, sitting on the subway, casual as can be, watching it. Ew. 

Shaking it off, we decided first on our list was to cross something off Miss Leila’s list, stopping off at the mall by our subway station and picking her up a foundation she’d seen online, but had yet to see it anywhere in Seoul except for this mall. And I was on a mission too! Find the Flying Tiger, a Copenhagen store, take a picture and show it to my friend Thea who is a big fan of their New York store. It was a huge shocker to see that they were in Korea!

We wandered around the food court, looking for something to eat, but it was pricy and not what we were looking for  (we’ve been spoiled eating beautiful and delicious food for under 10000 won.). Despite how tired we were, we decided we wanted to skip the food court, instead planned to hit Hongdae in order to find something better. Added plus? This would get Leila her last night in Hongdae with some buskers. Where did we end up? Korean Pizza! After seeing some Eat Your Kimchi posts on the weirdness that could be Korean Pizza back in the day, I’ve always wanted to try it. There was a Mr. Pizza in LA that every time I went to KCon I’d say, this was the time I was going to go there, but as one of our group was a vegan, it always managed to be pushed to the side. (We felt bad enough dragging her to Korean BBQ.) In Haeundae, our apartment was right above a Pizza School where we would pass by and look at the poster proclaiming all of their weirdo pizza flavors and planned on hitting up that one, but we just never had the chance. Tonight was the night!

I wish I’d taken pictures of the menu to tell you exactly what we had eaten, but I can tell you, one of them had mashed sweet potatoes, and the other one had galbi. Both were actually pretty yummy. We’d chosen this particular restaurant in the din of all the others as  1) was something we could all get behind with all of the other choices, and 2) was an upper floor establishment, overlooking all of the buskers. Dinner and a show!

As we ate, Leila and I investigated one last thing stop on our phones, the Han river. We knew it was close, had crossed it several times via subway, but had yet to go and find it in person. Had yet to find out which pairing of us were going to officially breakup on its shores as Korean dramas tell us is the norm. It was a must on all of our lists, and we couldn’t believe we hadn’t been there yet. It was a little difficult for us to pinpoint the best place to go to as you couldn’t really put Han River into the map, sure we’d find a shore but what else would we find when we got there? We found a park that seemed promising, but, honestly, at that time of day, after all, we’ve done, and now knowing about Leila’s poor toe, we decided to pass. 

But don’t worry Han River fans. There are still two of us who have days left and hours to fill….

With this, we close out another chapter of our trip. Another day passed. Another person packing up to go home. Which leaves SaraG and I. All by ourselves for three days. Will we make it? Will our friendship survive? Or is it going to be the relationship that crashes by the shores of the Han? Stay tuned to find out! 

    KOREAN ADVENTURE DAY ONE: AIR PLANES, TIME TRAVELS, AND MULTIPLE SARAG(S)

Korean Adventure Day Two: Sadly, No Zombies

KOREAN ADVENTURE DAY THREE: THE SOLO JOB

KOREAN ADVENTURE DAY FOUR: BY THE POWER OF STEVE!

KOREAN ADVENTURE DAY FIVE: STAIRS, AND MEERKATS, AND POLICE…OH MY!

KOREAN ADVENTURE DAY SIX: EMERGENCYS, BELLY RUBS, AND TIPSI TEXTS

KOREAN ADVENTURE DAY SEVEN: THAT WEIRD SHAPED ARTY BUILDING IN GANGNAM

KOREAN ADVENTURES DAY EIGHT: KPOP TAKES A VACATION

KOREAN ADVENTURES DAY NINE: WE LOVE A MAN WHO LOVES A MARKET

KOREAN ADVENTURE DAY TEN: STEPHANIE DOESN’T DO NAKED

Korean Adventure Day Eleven: Let’s Get Saeguky Another big day in Kdramaland! We're counting down the last hours of Leila's stay in Korea with a march through the city.

[mademoisellempala-blog]

In the past weeks and months I have been thinking a lot in the midst of entering a new age. I have been hesitant to write this mostly for the reason because I don’t see myself in a place of wisdom yet to be able to share profound things I have learned throughout my short life on this planet. But it is through recent conversations and events that I have felt the need to write about something that is so vital to life itself and my journey for this whole year. I have realised to have reached an age where I’m asking myself more questions about life, its meaning and purpose overall since I’m still figuring out all this while taking each day at a time. We all go through life lessons and circumstances that strengthens or weakens us but most importantly what I figured is how we decide to go on about them. Making decisions and having the possibility of choice is a powerful tool I am learning to use in order to build and shape a life that I really want for myself and I consider worth living. In this regard there are many different aspects of life I learned which are crucial.

Live with integrity and conviction

I have learned that conviction or strong beliefs in something is important to live a full and purposeful life. When you know what you stand for and what you believe in, it is easier to go through life because you won’t be drifting where the wind takes you. Conviction helps you to stand firm to your beliefs and stay true to yourself. In a world of many information and noises, it can be difficult to know what one stands for because one doesn’t want to offend others with an opinion that appear critical in the eyes of an other. But we cannot go through life trying to shape our beliefs depending on who is in front of us and change our views to please others. I realised about myself that I grew up being a people’s pleaser and was doing just that and at some point realised I didn’t know who I was or what I even stand for because I didn’t want to be disliked, so I changed with my surroundings and environment. I believe that having core beliefs of what is right and wrong are fundamental to live a life of integrity that should first of all please you. Because without integrity, compromise of your own values will become common. So every day I try to live full of conviction in what I believe no matter if someone agrees with it or not. And yes, the emphasis is on try, because it’s something that needs to be developed innit?

What you consume, you become

This is something I learned to appreciate and accept throughout the past year. It’s a great realisation that my view of the world can be dramatically shaped by what I consume. Be it opinions of people, news, movies, shows, music, social media or vibes. Being informed and up-to-dated about what happens in the world is not only important but I find a necessity to live because political, societal and economic events affect our everyday life whether we like it or not. At the same time, the news is ever more negatively loaded with pessimism and end-of-the-world thoughts. If that’s the only thing I consumed, my world would be shaped by hopelessness and despair. The same goes for the other things we consume on a daily basis; this is to say that the more things we watch, read, or talk about are filled with hope and expectation, that’s when our perspective on this world can change drastically. When I catch myself reacting a certain way to a situation, I think of what I have been filling my spirit with during the day or in the past weeks because it turns out that it is those things that manifest. What comes out of you, words and behavior, is the result of what is inside of you. Therefore, I am not just concerned about what I say or how I behave but most importantly with what is inside of me since ultimately it is that what is going to come out of me. Being filled with hatred, anger and comparison is not going to bring out love, patience and peace – it’s just as simple as that. There is this popular saying from commercials that say “start your day right” and there is so much truth in it because the first things one does in the morning determine the course of the day. Taking time in the morning to relax, pray or meditate for a few minutes instead of rushing to my phone and check the newest posts on social media and news-outlets has had a tremendous impact in going with a positive mindset into the day.

Know the ‘why’ behind the ‘what’

Not too long ago I have started to become more critical about what I do as my choice of studies, professions and other activities. I want to be sure that I’m doing things for the right reasons with no ulterior motives. I don’t want to be doing things just for the sake of doing them or ‘because that is what everybody else is doing’ or because of long traditions that say ‘this is the way we have always been doing things’. In the journey of discovering my purpose, I want to have purpose in everything I do that contributes to my growth and the person I am. However, this is not to say that I have my life is completely planned out and I’m not ready for spontaneous nonsense because these are also part of living in the moment. I guess what I’m trying to say is not to settle for less than what I know is out there for me and be critical of my decisions to not pursue things (degrees, jobs, careers, activities etc.) for the wrong reason. It is how, especially this year, I started things and found myself quitting on them because I afterwards realized that it didn’t bring me peace since the reason behind me doing them were not the right ones.  

Set boundaries

This is something I’m still learning every day to set boundaries of what I can/should/want to tolerate because I feel there are people out there who don’t respect boundaries or whatsoever. So, having conviction of what you want in your life and don’t want is key to not accept everything that makes you uncomfortable. Drawing the line is for you and not against another human being because you’re the one living in your reality and knows best what you can take in and what you cannot accept. Now I have decided what I want and everything that isn’t it, I say ‘no’ to them.

Not everyone can have a seat on your table

As painful and hurting as it can be, it is true that with life moving on, not everyone can move with us into our future. Sometimes we try to hold on to friendships because we’ve been friends for so long and grew up together, but ways go apart and life directions do too. Therefore, it’s fine when the seats at your table consists of only a few numbers of people who love and support you in your decisions and dreams. Not everyone can understand your dreams and thus will not be supportive and it’s ok because the few people who are left will always be more than enough. I’m not a fan of Drake’s lyrics saying “no new friends…” because it’s a narrow and unhealthy way of viewing the world and relationships because true friendship is not defined by the number of years you’ve known each other but the quality of time when you spend with the people. And truly quality doesn’t come in numbers..

Make a decision

Decisions, decisions. Indecision is a peace killer… It is important to make decisions just for the sake of peace. If you don’t sort the trap of indecision you will live in constant imprisonment to your own indecision. Often times I find myself in situations where I seem not to be able to make a concrete decision between choices. I figured I have put myself in such situations and created them even though deep down I exactly knew what I wanted. And that initial feeling is most of the times the one we lean towards to. Because a lot of times we are making up stuff and creating room for indecision and call them options. Having options is a luxury and nothing bad but pretending to have options that are overwhelming and take away your peace, is surely not the best option neither.

Travel alone at least once

This year I had the dream to travel solo around the East Coast of the USA. It was the first time I travelled alone for a longer period of time where I could just do what me, myself and I desired to with no consideration or regard for someone else. And it was AWESOME! Travelling by yourself is one of the greatest growing experience a person can have because you learn more about yourself by spending time with you and rely on only you and no other person. I enjoyed going to parks and read a book while lying on fresh-cut grass with marvelous city views. I loved waking up when I felt like it and start the day off by having brunch or breakfast, or just eat a fruit on my way to a museum to then have amazing lunch from the food truck afterwards. Taking walks in big cities not knowing where I was going was very adventurous. I love doing nothing in pretty Cafés and enjoy my solitude (not loneliness because there is a big difference), I loved going out for dinner at restaurants I discovered around the corner when going for a walk and attending poetry nights in the mind-blowing city of New York. It’s the most refreshing and deliberating feeling since you are the only person you have to spend time with for the rest of your life; so you might as well like spending time with yourself, right?

Document your journey

Now this is just for those of us who want to grow personally and see change in our character. Although we as humans are naturally made to continually evolve and grow, some are comfortable staying the same, which is fine because everyone makes their own decisions, right? At the beginning of the year I started to document my journey weekly, sometimes daily or monthly to affirm myself of my growth. It’s also a nice way of keeping track of what one has experienced and can always go back and read about it because I tend to forget quickly what I did even two days ago haha. It helps remember different experiences that happened and reminisce back. Anyways, I find it helpful to see that I’m not the same person today I was a few months ago and that I have gotten to a different place mentally and spiritually.

Enjoy the journey of becoming

I’m learning this patiently every day that it is not about the destination of where I want to be in life but the journey to that is as important as the goal. Having this mindset also shifts the way I perceive happiness, disappointments, good news and defeat. It becomes relative when I’m aware that individual incidents don’t determine my path or the person I am.

Don’t do it alone

Life is not meant to be lived alone no matter if it’s a happy life or a life filled with hardships. I may be more of an introvert person who enjoyyy her alone time more than group hang sessions. But I don’t take them for granted neither – because friendships are precious, and we should cherish the once who are strengthening us in life. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness but strength because one acknowledges the limits of one’s power. Living in a western-cultured society that puts the individual in the centre of success and defeat implies that everything that I have ever achieved is because of me, myself and I. But in reality, no human being can ‘make it’ with their own effort since from the moment we are born and in our infant ages our simple survival depends on the people who nourish, protect, and take care of us.

Be more self-reflective

I guess this post is a way for me to reflect on what I have learned especially this past year and take it to where I want to progress in life. I try to be more critical of my views and perspective while also not being too hard on myself when I don’t figure something out right away. I am more open to correction and new learning experiences because I will never reach a level of complete knowledge. I’m still learning to be more empathetic toward others and understand their point of view by accepting the reality of opposing views.

Surround yourself with positivity

This! This is so crucial for when you want to live a positive-filled life. One need to like what one does, and one needs to have a positive environment. That’s why choosing the right people in your circle and what you consume, as mentioned above, are essential if you want to have a positive world surrounding you.

Soo this ended up being more than I actually wanted to write but if you’ve made it to the end, kudos to you & thank youuu!

xx

    TWENTY-FIVE In the past weeks and months I have been thinking a lot in the midst of entering a new age.

[thanhtuandoan89]

Internal Linking for Mobile-First & Mobile-Only Indexing

Three years ago, I wrote a post for the Moz Blog advising how the latest news on mobile-first indexing would impact internal linking strategies, particularly for larger sites.

“By now, you’ve probably heard as much as you can bear about mobile first indexing”, I joked in my introduction. Little did I know.

Only now — in the summer of 2021 — are Google, supposedly, maybe, finalizing the rollout of mobile-first. Even as of August 2021, Google is still very much actively crawling sites with Googlebot desktop*.

As with the recent delays to the Core Web Vitals rollout, the issue here for Google is that they can’t push changes which make their results worse. As Mike King pointed out back in March over at iPullRank, there’s still a big disparity between the mobile and desktop versions of the web, especially when it comes to links.

I don’t need to persuade most SEOs that they should care about links, but I maybe do need to remind you that internal links are, for most pages, a much bigger part of how they get their strength than external links. On an even vaguely established site, it’s not unreasonable to think that including a landing page in your top nav is going to generate more impactful links than most digital PR campaigns could ever hope to. And yet, sites tend to focus disproportionately on the latter, which is perhaps what brings us to this conundrum today.

In this post, I’m going to point out some of the common causes of disparities between mobile and desktop internal linking, when you should care, and what you can do to fix these issues without throwing UX under the bus.

*(thanks to Dom Woodman and the wealth of data at his fingertips for confirming for me that this is still the case!)

A brief history of mobile-first

Back in 2015, SEOs had two months’ warning to prepare for what the industry nicknamed “Mobilegeddon”. This wasn’t the first time that Google had factored mobile friendliness into its rankings, but it was probably the first time they tried to make a really big deal out of it as a way of steering webmasters — a sign of things to come.

About 18 months later, in November 2016, we got the phrase “Mobile-first indexing”. Over the next few years, SEOs with access to multiple Search Console properties became familiar with the routine trickle of emails informing them of sites moving over to the new paradigm.

During this period, some SEOs, including the late Russ Jones, myself in the aforementioned post on the Moz Blog, and my old boss Will Critchlow, started to voice concerns about the potential impact on the linkgraph:

The overall impression at the time was that Google was using a hybrid index for now, but that “mobile only” was already on its way.

Fast forward to March 2020, and Google warned we had six months to prepare for the final toll of the desktop index. This initially suggested a September 2020 rollout, then that became March 2021, and then, as I’ve mentioned above, that date too seemed to pass without incident.

We should assume, though, that this is still coming, or perhaps largely already here, and as such that our mobile sites need to present the version of truth we want Google to see.

The roles of internal links

Internal links, like all other links, fulfill multiple vital functions:

Allowing search engines to discover new URLs

Passing on clues as to topical relevance, via their anchor text, and source URL

Passing on authority, via PageRank or equivalent

That’s of course without even getting into their roles in user experience, which is a topic for another post. (Although if you want to learn more about internal links, I recommend this Whiteboard Friday.)

A disparity in internal links between desktop and mobile versions, then, is likely to have far-reaching implications. (This also goes for any other two versions, such as rendered and raw HTML.) In most cases, one of the two versions will be the one that the site’s SEO practitioner(s) were happy with, and as such the other will not be.

At this point it’s common best practice, at least for your major templates, to routinely produce a list of links from both versions of the page and look for discrepancies.

That said, some differences are more impactful than others. For illustrative purposes, I’ve compared the desktop and mobile versions of five homepages, and in the rest of this post I’ll discuss some of the more interesting differences I noted, and what I’d recommend to the respective sites. Just to be clear: I am not involved with, or indeed pitching, any of these sites.

The five homepages I looked at were:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/ — the UK site of the global e-com juggernaut

https://www.optimizely.com/ — the well known CRO software

https://www.ebuyer.com/ — an electronics e-commerce site

https://www.zoopla.co.uk/ — a UK real estate site, similar to the US’s Zillow

https://www.nytimes.com/ — an American broadsheet newspaper

Interestingly, of these, two had no differences at all for us to discuss — congratulations to Optimizely and Zoopla for paying attention back in 2018. For the other three, read on...

Less harmful examples

Anchor links within a page

The Amazon UK homepage links to itself no fewer than six times, with anchor text such as “back to top”, “see product details”, and “next page” (within a carousel). These links are all unique to desktop, although the mobile version does have a “Top of page” link instead of the “Back to top” link.

Amazon UK desktop (top) vs. Amazon UK mobile (bottom)

You probably don’t need to be too concerned about links like these from an SEO perspective. There’s no dramatic difference in optimization or targeting implied by the different text, and pages linking to themselves probably aren’t going to reshape the linkgraph.

Links to non-indexed pages

Amazon UK desktop (top) vs. Amazon UK mobile (bottom)

The main nav link to the “Pet supplies” category on the Amazon UK homepage comes with different internal tracking tags on mobile vs. desktop:

Desktop: https://ift.tt/3jhR20M=nav_em__ps_t2_0_2_14_24

Mobile: https://ift.tt/3jhR20M=navm_em__pets_0_3_17_11

From a general SEO perspective, this isn’t an ideal way to handle internal link tracking — both of these URLs have a canonical tag pointing at the actual indexed page, but there’s still unnecessary dilution and wasted crawl budget here, compared to just tracking the link click using a JavaScript event listener.

However, from a specific mobile/desktop parity point of view, this isn’t a big deal. As I said, they both share a canonical tag pointing to the same place, so we end up with equivalent behavior.

A similar rule applies when linking to pages like “my account” or “basket” — there may be differences in desktop and mobile implementations, but as both pages are noindex and/or robots.txt blocked, it isn’t a big deal.

Anchor text

Ebuyer has a few instances of the same element using different anchor text on mobile vs. desktop:

Ebuyer desktop (top) vs. Ebuyer mobile (bottom)

Note the longer anchor text on mobile(!). I also noticed something similar on the New York Times site, although that may be due to them rapidly testing different headline variants.

Either way, I don’t think this is a huge deal as long as the behavior is intended and the implied topic is largely similar, which it is in these cases.

Common problems & solutions

Device-specific elements

One of the most common causes of disparity is navigation elements that are desktop-only. The example below is from Ebuyer, and shows a bunch of links that I was unable to find anywhere on their mobile homepage.

These links all point to URLs that also feature in the top-nav, so the impact on the link graph may not be huge. However, Google is likely to place different weightings on a prominent homepage link like this vs. a link buried in a navigation, so there are SEO implications to this disparity. Ebuyer’s desktop site implies that these are some of the most important subcategories on the site, whereas their mobile site gives them a more equal footing with other subcategories in the mega-menu.

Happening across millions of sites, this is the sort of issue that might impact the quality of Google’s results. Ebuyer has presumably featured here the categories that are core to their business, and if they rank slightly better in these cases than in other cases, that means Google is slightly more likely to show people results from a business that is highly competent in that area. That, from Google’s perspective, is surely a win, but one they miss out on by exclusively using the mobile version.

From Ebuyer’s point of view, the choice of what to feature in this element is a strategic lever that is lost when Google stops counting their desktop links. The only real solution here is to develop a mobile equivalent to this element, but one can be creative. It could be somewhere slightly different on the page, for example, or it could be a carousel on mobile but static on desktop. Alternatively, you can accept that this is a desktop-specific UX element that should be disregarded in any SEO consideration, and instead must justify itself through its benefit to conversion rates.

Mega-menus & subcategory linking

Many sites, especially e-commerce, handle internal linking by having a huge mega-menu on desktop that collapses into a hamburger menu perhaps four layers deep on mobile. This leaves users very many clicks from anything they might hope to find, and the ironic thing is that super-exhaustive top navigations aren’t necessarily optimal from an SEO perspective either. Sure, they get a lot of pages crawled and pass on a little equity, but they do nothing to concentrate relevance around subtopics, and they don’t allow you to focus your strength where it’s most needed.

Some sites improve on this with a section-specific subnavigation, for example these links on Amazon that only appear within the Grocery section:

This is a great alternative to a mega-menu in general, in that there are fewer sitewide links (meaning that each remaining sitewide link is a little stronger), and, proportionately, more links between closely related pages.

However, of course, this element doesn’t appear at all on mobile. D’oh.

Similarly, Amazon has these featured subcategories on desktop, performing a similar role:

Again, I’d say this is a great idea from an SEO perspective, but these links don’t exist on mobile.

Zoopla handles the same issue much more neatly:

Sidebar links to relevant subcategories

They similarly have subcategory links that only feature in the relevant category, but then on mobile, they retain them — just moving them to the bottom of the page instead of a sidebar:

Sidebar links shuffled to bottom of content on mobile

This isn’t hugely attractive, but it doesn’t matter — few people will scroll to these depths anyway, and Zoopla’s SEO strategy is robust to the mobile-only index as a result. Plus, because of the focus on interlinking only relevant subcategories, the volume of links here isn’t extreme.

SEO copy & hidden content

A similar argument could be made for Ebuyer’s treatment of SEO copy here:

It’s right at the bottom of the page, so perhaps this is an opportunity for internal linking? Indeed, there are a couple of links at the end of this block of text.

Without going too much into the benefits and drawbacks of this kind of copy in general, I’d say this is a little excessive for the bottom of an e-commerce category page (you can only see a fraction in the screenshot above). Instead, Ebuyer could do something similar to what they’ve done with their footer:

Collapsed or tabbed content can be a great way to handle bulky internal linking structures on mobile

On desktop, all of these footer sections are expanded by default, and all visible. On mobile, they’re hidden in these expandable sections. This is generally a good way to handle SEO elements on mobile, as Google has said repeatedly at this point that there’s no downside to doing this.

Conclusion: On-page linking, but tastefully

I’ve tried to explore here some of the common issues that sites face when aiming for mobile/desktop linking parity.

To quickly recap, the main issues I recommend sites focus on are:

Missing navigation elements

Opportunities for deep-linking without resorting to mega-menus

And my suggested solutions are:

Pushing linking widgets to the bottom of the page on mobile, rather than removing them altogether

Using tabs, carousels, expandable sections and other creative solutions to make better use of on-screen real estate

I’m keen to see more examples in the wild, though — how is your site handling mobile-first internal linking? Tell me on Twitter!

[drummcarpentry]

Internal Linking for Mobile-First & Mobile-Only Indexing

Three years ago, I wrote a post for the Moz Blog advising how the latest news on mobile-first indexing would impact internal linking strategies, particularly for larger sites.

“By now, you’ve probably heard as much as you can bear about mobile first indexing”, I joked in my introduction. Little did I know.

Only now — in the summer of 2021 — are Google, supposedly, maybe, finalizing the rollout of mobile-first. Even as of August 2021, Google is still very much actively crawling sites with Googlebot desktop*.

As with the recent delays to the Core Web Vitals rollout, the issue here for Google is that they can’t push changes which make their results worse. As Mike King pointed out back in March over at iPullRank, there’s still a big disparity between the mobile and desktop versions of the web, especially when it comes to links.

I don’t need to persuade most SEOs that they should care about links, but I maybe do need to remind you that internal links are, for most pages, a much bigger part of how they get their strength than external links. On an even vaguely established site, it’s not unreasonable to think that including a landing page in your top nav is going to generate more impactful links than most digital PR campaigns could ever hope to. And yet, sites tend to focus disproportionately on the latter, which is perhaps what brings us to this conundrum today.

In this post, I’m going to point out some of the common causes of disparities between mobile and desktop internal linking, when you should care, and what you can do to fix these issues without throwing UX under the bus.

*(thanks to Dom Woodman and the wealth of data at his fingertips for confirming for me that this is still the case!)

A brief history of mobile-first

Back in 2015, SEOs had two months’ warning to prepare for what the industry nicknamed “Mobilegeddon”. This wasn’t the first time that Google had factored mobile friendliness into its rankings, but it was probably the first time they tried to make a really big deal out of it as a way of steering webmasters — a sign of things to come.

About 18 months later, in November 2016, we got the phrase “Mobile-first indexing”. Over the next few years, SEOs with access to multiple Search Console properties became familiar with the routine trickle of emails informing them of sites moving over to the new paradigm.

During this period, some SEOs, including the late Russ Jones, myself in the aforementioned post on the Moz Blog, and my old boss Will Critchlow, started to voice concerns about the potential impact on the linkgraph:

The overall impression at the time was that Google was using a hybrid index for now, but that “mobile only” was already on its way.

Fast forward to March 2020, and Google warned we had six months to prepare for the final toll of the desktop index. This initially suggested a September 2020 rollout, then that became March 2021, and then, as I’ve mentioned above, that date too seemed to pass without incident.

We should assume, though, that this is still coming, or perhaps largely already here, and as such that our mobile sites need to present the version of truth we want Google to see.

The roles of internal links

Internal links, like all other links, fulfill multiple vital functions:

Allowing search engines to discover new URLs

Passing on clues as to topical relevance, via their anchor text, and source URL

Passing on authority, via PageRank or equivalent

That’s of course without even getting into their roles in user experience, which is a topic for another post. (Although if you want to learn more about internal links, I recommend this Whiteboard Friday.)

A disparity in internal links between desktop and mobile versions, then, is likely to have far-reaching implications. (This also goes for any other two versions, such as rendered and raw HTML.) In most cases, one of the two versions will be the one that the site’s SEO practitioner(s) were happy with, and as such the other will not be.

At this point it’s common best practice, at least for your major templates, to routinely produce a list of links from both versions of the page and look for discrepancies.

That said, some differences are more impactful than others. For illustrative purposes, I’ve compared the desktop and mobile versions of five homepages, and in the rest of this post I’ll discuss some of the more interesting differences I noted, and what I’d recommend to the respective sites. Just to be clear: I am not involved with, or indeed pitching, any of these sites.

The five homepages I looked at were:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/ — the UK site of the global e-com juggernaut

https://www.optimizely.com/ — the well known CRO software

https://www.ebuyer.com/ — an electronics e-commerce site

https://www.zoopla.co.uk/ — a UK real estate site, similar to the US’s Zillow

https://www.nytimes.com/ — an American broadsheet newspaper

Interestingly, of these, two had no differences at all for us to discuss — congratulations to Optimizely and Zoopla for paying attention back in 2018. For the other three, read on...

Less harmful examples

Anchor links within a page

The Amazon UK homepage links to itself no fewer than six times, with anchor text such as “back to top”, “see product details”, and “next page” (within a carousel). These links are all unique to desktop, although the mobile version does have a “Top of page” link instead of the “Back to top” link.

Amazon UK desktop (top) vs. Amazon UK mobile (bottom)

You probably don’t need to be too concerned about links like these from an SEO perspective. There’s no dramatic difference in optimization or targeting implied by the different text, and pages linking to themselves probably aren’t going to reshape the linkgraph.

Links to non-indexed pages

Amazon UK desktop (top) vs. Amazon UK mobile (bottom)

The main nav link to the “Pet supplies” category on the Amazon UK homepage comes with different internal tracking tags on mobile vs. desktop:

Desktop: https://ift.tt/3jhR20M=nav_em__ps_t2_0_2_14_24

Mobile: https://ift.tt/3jhR20M=navm_em__pets_0_3_17_11

From a general SEO perspective, this isn’t an ideal way to handle internal link tracking — both of these URLs have a canonical tag pointing at the actual indexed page, but there’s still unnecessary dilution and wasted crawl budget here, compared to just tracking the link click using a JavaScript event listener.

However, from a specific mobile/desktop parity point of view, this isn’t a big deal. As I said, they both share a canonical tag pointing to the same place, so we end up with equivalent behavior.

A similar rule applies when linking to pages like “my account” or “basket” — there may be differences in desktop and mobile implementations, but as both pages are noindex and/or robots.txt blocked, it isn’t a big deal.

Anchor text

Ebuyer has a few instances of the same element using different anchor text on mobile vs. desktop:

Ebuyer desktop (top) vs. Ebuyer mobile (bottom)

Note the longer anchor text on mobile(!). I also noticed something similar on the New York Times site, although that may be due to them rapidly testing different headline variants.

Either way, I don’t think this is a huge deal as long as the behavior is intended and the implied topic is largely similar, which it is in these cases.

Common problems & solutions

Device-specific elements

One of the most common causes of disparity is navigation elements that are desktop-only. The example below is from Ebuyer, and shows a bunch of links that I was unable to find anywhere on their mobile homepage.

These links all point to URLs that also feature in the top-nav, so the impact on the link graph may not be huge. However, Google is likely to place different weightings on a prominent homepage link like this vs. a link buried in a navigation, so there are SEO implications to this disparity. Ebuyer’s desktop site implies that these are some of the most important subcategories on the site, whereas their mobile site gives them a more equal footing with other subcategories in the mega-menu.

Happening across millions of sites, this is the sort of issue that might impact the quality of Google’s results. Ebuyer has presumably featured here the categories that are core to their business, and if they rank slightly better in these cases than in other cases, that means Google is slightly more likely to show people results from a business that is highly competent in that area. That, from Google’s perspective, is surely a win, but one they miss out on by exclusively using the mobile version.

From Ebuyer’s point of view, the choice of what to feature in this element is a strategic lever that is lost when Google stops counting their desktop links. The only real solution here is to develop a mobile equivalent to this element, but one can be creative. It could be somewhere slightly different on the page, for example, or it could be a carousel on mobile but static on desktop. Alternatively, you can accept that this is a desktop-specific UX element that should be disregarded in any SEO consideration, and instead must justify itself through its benefit to conversion rates.

Mega-menus & subcategory linking

Many sites, especially e-commerce, handle internal linking by having a huge mega-menu on desktop that collapses into a hamburger menu perhaps four layers deep on mobile. This leaves users very many clicks from anything they might hope to find, and the ironic thing is that super-exhaustive top navigations aren’t necessarily optimal from an SEO perspective either. Sure, they get a lot of pages crawled and pass on a little equity, but they do nothing to concentrate relevance around subtopics, and they don’t allow you to focus your strength where it’s most needed.

Some sites improve on this with a section-specific subnavigation, for example these links on Amazon that only appear within the Grocery section:

This is a great alternative to a mega-menu in general, in that there are fewer sitewide links (meaning that each remaining sitewide link is a little stronger), and, proportionately, more links between closely related pages.

However, of course, this element doesn’t appear at all on mobile. D’oh.

Similarly, Amazon has these featured subcategories on desktop, performing a similar role:

Again, I’d say this is a great idea from an SEO perspective, but these links don’t exist on mobile.

Zoopla handles the same issue much more neatly:

Sidebar links to relevant subcategories

They similarly have subcategory links that only feature in the relevant category, but then on mobile, they retain them — just moving them to the bottom of the page instead of a sidebar:

Sidebar links shuffled to bottom of content on mobile

This isn’t hugely attractive, but it doesn’t matter — few people will scroll to these depths anyway, and Zoopla’s SEO strategy is robust to the mobile-only index as a result. Plus, because of the focus on interlinking only relevant subcategories, the volume of links here isn’t extreme.

SEO copy & hidden content

A similar argument could be made for Ebuyer’s treatment of SEO copy here:

It’s right at the bottom of the page, so perhaps this is an opportunity for internal linking? Indeed, there are a couple of links at the end of this block of text.

Without going too much into the benefits and drawbacks of this kind of copy in general, I’d say this is a little excessive for the bottom of an e-commerce category page (you can only see a fraction in the screenshot above). Instead, Ebuyer could do something similar to what they’ve done with their footer:

Collapsed or tabbed content can be a great way to handle bulky internal linking structures on mobile

On desktop, all of these footer sections are expanded by default, and all visible. On mobile, they’re hidden in these expandable sections. This is generally a good way to handle SEO elements on mobile, as Google has said repeatedly at this point that there’s no downside to doing this.

Conclusion: On-page linking, but tastefully

I’ve tried to explore here some of the common issues that sites face when aiming for mobile/desktop linking parity.

To quickly recap, the main issues I recommend sites focus on are:

Missing navigation elements

Opportunities for deep-linking without resorting to mega-menus

And my suggested solutions are:

Pushing linking widgets to the bottom of the page on mobile, rather than removing them altogether

Using tabs, carousels, expandable sections and other creative solutions to make better use of on-screen real estate

I’m keen to see more examples in the wild, though — how is your site handling mobile-first internal linking? Tell me on Twitter!

[epackingvietnam]

Internal Linking for Mobile-First & Mobile-Only Indexing

Three years ago, I wrote a post for the Moz Blog advising how the latest news on mobile-first indexing would impact internal linking strategies, particularly for larger sites.

“By now, you’ve probably heard as much as you can bear about mobile first indexing”, I joked in my introduction. Little did I know.

Only now — in the summer of 2021 — are Google, supposedly, maybe, finalizing the rollout of mobile-first. Even as of August 2021, Google is still very much actively crawling sites with Googlebot desktop*.

As with the recent delays to the Core Web Vitals rollout, the issue here for Google is that they can’t push changes which make their results worse. As Mike King pointed out back in March over at iPullRank, there’s still a big disparity between the mobile and desktop versions of the web, especially when it comes to links.

I don’t need to persuade most SEOs that they should care about links, but I maybe do need to remind you that internal links are, for most pages, a much bigger part of how they get their strength than external links. On an even vaguely established site, it’s not unreasonable to think that including a landing page in your top nav is going to generate more impactful links than most digital PR campaigns could ever hope to. And yet, sites tend to focus disproportionately on the latter, which is perhaps what brings us to this conundrum today.

In this post, I’m going to point out some of the common causes of disparities between mobile and desktop internal linking, when you should care, and what you can do to fix these issues without throwing UX under the bus.

*(thanks to Dom Woodman and the wealth of data at his fingertips for confirming for me that this is still the case!)

A brief history of mobile-first

Back in 2015, SEOs had two months’ warning to prepare for what the industry nicknamed “Mobilegeddon”. This wasn’t the first time that Google had factored mobile friendliness into its rankings, but it was probably the first time they tried to make a really big deal out of it as a way of steering webmasters — a sign of things to come.

About 18 months later, in November 2016, we got the phrase “Mobile-first indexing”. Over the next few years, SEOs with access to multiple Search Console properties became familiar with the routine trickle of emails informing them of sites moving over to the new paradigm.

During this period, some SEOs, including the late Russ Jones, myself in the aforementioned post on the Moz Blog, and my old boss Will Critchlow, started to voice concerns about the potential impact on the linkgraph:

The overall impression at the time was that Google was using a hybrid index for now, but that “mobile only” was already on its way.

Fast forward to March 2020, and Google warned we had six months to prepare for the final toll of the desktop index. This initially suggested a September 2020 rollout, then that became March 2021, and then, as I’ve mentioned above, that date too seemed to pass without incident.

We should assume, though, that this is still coming, or perhaps largely already here, and as such that our mobile sites need to present the version of truth we want Google to see.

The roles of internal links

Internal links, like all other links, fulfill multiple vital functions:

Allowing search engines to discover new URLs

Passing on clues as to topical relevance, via their anchor text, and source URL

Passing on authority, via PageRank or equivalent

That’s of course without even getting into their roles in user experience, which is a topic for another post. (Although if you want to learn more about internal links, I recommend this Whiteboard Friday.)

A disparity in internal links between desktop and mobile versions, then, is likely to have far-reaching implications. (This also goes for any other two versions, such as rendered and raw HTML.) In most cases, one of the two versions will be the one that the site’s SEO practitioner(s) were happy with, and as such the other will not be.

At this point it’s common best practice, at least for your major templates, to routinely produce a list of links from both versions of the page and look for discrepancies.

That said, some differences are more impactful than others. For illustrative purposes, I’ve compared the desktop and mobile versions of five homepages, and in the rest of this post I’ll discuss some of the more interesting differences I noted, and what I’d recommend to the respective sites. Just to be clear: I am not involved with, or indeed pitching, any of these sites.

The five homepages I looked at were:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/ — the UK site of the global e-com juggernaut

https://www.optimizely.com/ — the well known CRO software

https://www.ebuyer.com/ — an electronics e-commerce site

https://www.zoopla.co.uk/ — a UK real estate site, similar to the US’s Zillow

https://www.nytimes.com/ — an American broadsheet newspaper

Interestingly, of these, two had no differences at all for us to discuss — congratulations to Optimizely and Zoopla for paying attention back in 2018. For the other three, read on...

Less harmful examples

Anchor links within a page

The Amazon UK homepage links to itself no fewer than six times, with anchor text such as “back to top”, “see product details”, and “next page” (within a carousel). These links are all unique to desktop, although the mobile version does have a “Top of page” link instead of the “Back to top” link.

Amazon UK desktop (top) vs. Amazon UK mobile (bottom)

You probably don’t need to be too concerned about links like these from an SEO perspective. There’s no dramatic difference in optimization or targeting implied by the different text, and pages linking to themselves probably aren’t going to reshape the linkgraph.

Links to non-indexed pages

Amazon UK desktop (top) vs. Amazon UK mobile (bottom)

The main nav link to the “Pet supplies” category on the Amazon UK homepage comes with different internal tracking tags on mobile vs. desktop:

Desktop: https://ift.tt/3jhR20M=nav_em__ps_t2_0_2_14_24

Mobile: https://ift.tt/3jhR20M=navm_em__pets_0_3_17_11

From a general SEO perspective, this isn’t an ideal way to handle internal link tracking — both of these URLs have a canonical tag pointing at the actual indexed page, but there’s still unnecessary dilution and wasted crawl budget here, compared to just tracking the link click using a JavaScript event listener.

However, from a specific mobile/desktop parity point of view, this isn’t a big deal. As I said, they both share a canonical tag pointing to the same place, so we end up with equivalent behavior.

A similar rule applies when linking to pages like “my account” or “basket” — there may be differences in desktop and mobile implementations, but as both pages are noindex and/or robots.txt blocked, it isn’t a big deal.

Anchor text

Ebuyer has a few instances of the same element using different anchor text on mobile vs. desktop:

Ebuyer desktop (top) vs. Ebuyer mobile (bottom)

Note the longer anchor text on mobile(!). I also noticed something similar on the New York Times site, although that may be due to them rapidly testing different headline variants.

Either way, I don’t think this is a huge deal as long as the behavior is intended and the implied topic is largely similar, which it is in these cases.

Common problems & solutions

Device-specific elements

One of the most common causes of disparity is navigation elements that are desktop-only. The example below is from Ebuyer, and shows a bunch of links that I was unable to find anywhere on their mobile homepage.

These links all point to URLs that also feature in the top-nav, so the impact on the link graph may not be huge. However, Google is likely to place different weightings on a prominent homepage link like this vs. a link buried in a navigation, so there are SEO implications to this disparity. Ebuyer’s desktop site implies that these are some of the most important subcategories on the site, whereas their mobile site gives them a more equal footing with other subcategories in the mega-menu.

Happening across millions of sites, this is the sort of issue that might impact the quality of Google’s results. Ebuyer has presumably featured here the categories that are core to their business, and if they rank slightly better in these cases than in other cases, that means Google is slightly more likely to show people results from a business that is highly competent in that area. That, from Google’s perspective, is surely a win, but one they miss out on by exclusively using the mobile version.

From Ebuyer’s point of view, the choice of what to feature in this element is a strategic lever that is lost when Google stops counting their desktop links. The only real solution here is to develop a mobile equivalent to this element, but one can be creative. It could be somewhere slightly different on the page, for example, or it could be a carousel on mobile but static on desktop. Alternatively, you can accept that this is a desktop-specific UX element that should be disregarded in any SEO consideration, and instead must justify itself through its benefit to conversion rates.

Mega-menus & subcategory linking

Many sites, especially e-commerce, handle internal linking by having a huge mega-menu on desktop that collapses into a hamburger menu perhaps four layers deep on mobile. This leaves users very many clicks from anything they might hope to find, and the ironic thing is that super-exhaustive top navigations aren’t necessarily optimal from an SEO perspective either. Sure, they get a lot of pages crawled and pass on a little equity, but they do nothing to concentrate relevance around subtopics, and they don’t allow you to focus your strength where it’s most needed.

Some sites improve on this with a section-specific subnavigation, for example these links on Amazon that only appear within the Grocery section:

This is a great alternative to a mega-menu in general, in that there are fewer sitewide links (meaning that each remaining sitewide link is a little stronger), and, proportionately, more links between closely related pages.

However, of course, this element doesn’t appear at all on mobile. D’oh.

Similarly, Amazon has these featured subcategories on desktop, performing a similar role:

Again, I’d say this is a great idea from an SEO perspective, but these links don’t exist on mobile.

Zoopla handles the same issue much more neatly:

Sidebar links to relevant subcategories

They similarly have subcategory links that only feature in the relevant category, but then on mobile, they retain them — just moving them to the bottom of the page instead of a sidebar:

Sidebar links shuffled to bottom of content on mobile

This isn’t hugely attractive, but it doesn’t matter — few people will scroll to these depths anyway, and Zoopla’s SEO strategy is robust to the mobile-only index as a result. Plus, because of the focus on interlinking only relevant subcategories, the volume of links here isn’t extreme.

SEO copy & hidden content

A similar argument could be made for Ebuyer’s treatment of SEO copy here:

It’s right at the bottom of the page, so perhaps this is an opportunity for internal linking? Indeed, there are a couple of links at the end of this block of text.

Without going too much into the benefits and drawbacks of this kind of copy in general, I’d say this is a little excessive for the bottom of an e-commerce category page (you can only see a fraction in the screenshot above). Instead, Ebuyer could do something similar to what they’ve done with their footer:

Collapsed or tabbed content can be a great way to handle bulky internal linking structures on mobile

On desktop, all of these footer sections are expanded by default, and all visible. On mobile, they’re hidden in these expandable sections. This is generally a good way to handle SEO elements on mobile, as Google has said repeatedly at this point that there’s no downside to doing this.

Conclusion: On-page linking, but tastefully

I’ve tried to explore here some of the common issues that sites face when aiming for mobile/desktop linking parity.

To quickly recap, the main issues I recommend sites focus on are:

Missing navigation elements

Opportunities for deep-linking without resorting to mega-menus

And my suggested solutions are:

Pushing linking widgets to the bottom of the page on mobile, rather than removing them altogether

Using tabs, carousels, expandable sections and other creative solutions to make better use of on-screen real estate

I’m keen to see more examples in the wild, though — how is your site handling mobile-first internal linking? Tell me on Twitter!

#túi_giấy_epacking_việt_nam #túi_giấy_epacking #in_túi_giấy_giá_rẻ #in_túi_giấy #epackingvietnam #tuigiayepacking

[bfxenon]

Internal Linking for Mobile-First & Mobile-Only Indexing

Three years ago, I wrote a post for the Moz Blog advising how the latest news on mobile-first indexing would impact internal linking strategies, particularly for larger sites.

“By now, you’ve probably heard as much as you can bear about mobile first indexing”, I joked in my introduction. Little did I know.

Only now — in the summer of 2021 — are Google, supposedly, maybe, finalizing the rollout of mobile-first. Even as of August 2021, Google is still very much actively crawling sites with Googlebot desktop*.

As with the recent delays to the Core Web Vitals rollout, the issue here for Google is that they can’t push changes which make their results worse. As Mike King pointed out back in March over at iPullRank, there’s still a big disparity between the mobile and desktop versions of the web, especially when it comes to links.

I don’t need to persuade most SEOs that they should care about links, but I maybe do need to remind you that internal links are, for most pages, a much bigger part of how they get their strength than external links. On an even vaguely established site, it’s not unreasonable to think that including a landing page in your top nav is going to generate more impactful links than most digital PR campaigns could ever hope to. And yet, sites tend to focus disproportionately on the latter, which is perhaps what brings us to this conundrum today.

In this post, I’m going to point out some of the common causes of disparities between mobile and desktop internal linking, when you should care, and what you can do to fix these issues without throwing UX under the bus.

*(thanks to Dom Woodman and the wealth of data at his fingertips for confirming for me that this is still the case!)

A brief history of mobile-first

Back in 2015, SEOs had two months’ warning to prepare for what the industry nicknamed “Mobilegeddon”. This wasn’t the first time that Google had factored mobile friendliness into its rankings, but it was probably the first time they tried to make a really big deal out of it as a way of steering webmasters — a sign of things to come.

About 18 months later, in November 2016, we got the phrase “Mobile-first indexing”. Over the next few years, SEOs with access to multiple Search Console properties became familiar with the routine trickle of emails informing them of sites moving over to the new paradigm.

During this period, some SEOs, including the late Russ Jones, myself in the aforementioned post on the Moz Blog, and my old boss Will Critchlow, started to voice concerns about the potential impact on the linkgraph:

The overall impression at the time was that Google was using a hybrid index for now, but that “mobile only” was already on its way.

Fast forward to March 2020, and Google warned we had six months to prepare for the final toll of the desktop index. This initially suggested a September 2020 rollout, then that became March 2021, and then, as I’ve mentioned above, that date too seemed to pass without incident.

We should assume, though, that this is still coming, or perhaps largely already here, and as such that our mobile sites need to present the version of truth we want Google to see.

The roles of internal links

Internal links, like all other links, fulfill multiple vital functions:

Allowing search engines to discover new URLs

Passing on clues as to topical relevance, via their anchor text, and source URL

Passing on authority, via PageRank or equivalent

That’s of course without even getting into their roles in user experience, which is a topic for another post. (Although if you want to learn more about internal links, I recommend this Whiteboard Friday.)

A disparity in internal links between desktop and mobile versions, then, is likely to have far-reaching implications. (This also goes for any other two versions, such as rendered and raw HTML.) In most cases, one of the two versions will be the one that the site’s SEO practitioner(s) were happy with, and as such the other will not be.

At this point it’s common best practice, at least for your major templates, to routinely produce a list of links from both versions of the page and look for discrepancies.

That said, some differences are more impactful than others. For illustrative purposes, I’ve compared the desktop and mobile versions of five homepages, and in the rest of this post I’ll discuss some of the more interesting differences I noted, and what I’d recommend to the respective sites. Just to be clear: I am not involved with, or indeed pitching, any of these sites.

The five homepages I looked at were:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/ — the UK site of the global e-com juggernaut

https://www.optimizely.com/ — the well known CRO software

https://www.ebuyer.com/ — an electronics e-commerce site

https://www.zoopla.co.uk/ — a UK real estate site, similar to the US’s Zillow

https://www.nytimes.com/ — an American broadsheet newspaper

Interestingly, of these, two had no differences at all for us to discuss — congratulations to Optimizely and Zoopla for paying attention back in 2018. For the other three, read on...

Less harmful examples

Anchor links within a page

The Amazon UK homepage links to itself no fewer than six times, with anchor text such as “back to top”, “see product details”, and “next page” (within a carousel). These links are all unique to desktop, although the mobile version does have a “Top of page” link instead of the “Back to top” link.

Amazon UK desktop (top) vs. Amazon UK mobile (bottom)

You probably don’t need to be too concerned about links like these from an SEO perspective. There’s no dramatic difference in optimization or targeting implied by the different text, and pages linking to themselves probably aren’t going to reshape the linkgraph.

Links to non-indexed pages

Amazon UK desktop (top) vs. Amazon UK mobile (bottom)

The main nav link to the “Pet supplies” category on the Amazon UK homepage comes with different internal tracking tags on mobile vs. desktop:

Desktop: www.amazon.co.uk/gp/browse.html?node=340840031&ref_=nav_em__ps_t2_0_2_14_24

Mobile: www.amazon.co.uk/gp/browse.html?node=340840031&ref_=navm_em__pets_0_3_17_11

From a general SEO perspective, this isn’t an ideal way to handle internal link tracking — both of these URLs have a canonical tag pointing at the actual indexed page, but there’s still unnecessary dilution and wasted crawl budget here, compared to just tracking the link click using a JavaScript event listener.

However, from a specific mobile/desktop parity point of view, this isn’t a big deal. As I said, they both share a canonical tag pointing to the same place, so we end up with equivalent behavior.

A similar rule applies when linking to pages like “my account” or “basket” — there may be differences in desktop and mobile implementations, but as both pages are noindex and/or robots.txt blocked, it isn’t a big deal.

Anchor text

Ebuyer has a few instances of the same element using different anchor text on mobile vs. desktop:

Ebuyer desktop (top) vs. Ebuyer mobile (bottom)

Note the longer anchor text on mobile(!). I also noticed something similar on the New York Times site, although that may be due to them rapidly testing different headline variants.

Either way, I don’t think this is a huge deal as long as the behavior is intended and the implied topic is largely similar, which it is in these cases.

Common problems & solutions

Device-specific elements

One of the most common causes of disparity is navigation elements that are desktop-only. The example below is from Ebuyer, and shows a bunch of links that I was unable to find anywhere on their mobile homepage.

These links all point to URLs that also feature in the top-nav, so the impact on the link graph may not be huge. However, Google is likely to place different weightings on a prominent homepage link like this vs. a link buried in a navigation, so there are SEO implications to this disparity. Ebuyer’s desktop site implies that these are some of the most important subcategories on the site, whereas their mobile site gives them a more equal footing with other subcategories in the mega-menu.

Happening across millions of sites, this is the sort of issue that might impact the quality of Google’s results. Ebuyer has presumably featured here the categories that are core to their business, and if they rank slightly better in these cases than in other cases, that means Google is slightly more likely to show people results from a business that is highly competent in that area. That, from Google’s perspective, is surely a win, but one they miss out on by exclusively using the mobile version.

From Ebuyer’s point of view, the choice of what to feature in this element is a strategic lever that is lost when Google stops counting their desktop links. The only real solution here is to develop a mobile equivalent to this element, but one can be creative. It could be somewhere slightly different on the page, for example, or it could be a carousel on mobile but static on desktop. Alternatively, you can accept that this is a desktop-specific UX element that should be disregarded in any SEO consideration, and instead must justify itself through its benefit to conversion rates.

Mega-menus & subcategory linking

Many sites, especially e-commerce, handle internal linking by having a huge mega-menu on desktop that collapses into a hamburger menu perhaps four layers deep on mobile. This leaves users very many clicks from anything they might hope to find, and the ironic thing is that super-exhaustive top navigations aren’t necessarily optimal from an SEO perspective either. Sure, they get a lot of pages crawled and pass on a little equity, but they do nothing to concentrate relevance around subtopics, and they don’t allow you to focus your strength where it’s most needed.

Some sites improve on this with a section-specific subnavigation, for example these links on Amazon that only appear within the Grocery section:

This is a great alternative to a mega-menu in general, in that there are fewer sitewide links (meaning that each remaining sitewide link is a little stronger), and, proportionately, more links between closely related pages.

However, of course, this element doesn’t appear at all on mobile. D’oh.

Similarly, Amazon has these featured subcategories on desktop, performing a similar role:

Again, I’d say this is a great idea from an SEO perspective, but these links don’t exist on mobile.

Zoopla handles the same issue much more neatly:

Sidebar links to relevant subcategories

They similarly have subcategory links that only feature in the relevant category, but then on mobile, they retain them — just moving them to the bottom of the page instead of a sidebar:

Sidebar links shuffled to bottom of content on mobile

This isn’t hugely attractive, but it doesn’t matter — few people will scroll to these depths anyway, and Zoopla’s SEO strategy is robust to the mobile-only index as a result. Plus, because of the focus on interlinking only relevant subcategories, the volume of links here isn’t extreme.

SEO copy & hidden content

A similar argument could be made for Ebuyer’s treatment of SEO copy here:

It’s right at the bottom of the page, so perhaps this is an opportunity for internal linking? Indeed, there are a couple of links at the end of this block of text.

Without going too much into the benefits and drawbacks of this kind of copy in general, I’d say this is a little excessive for the bottom of an e-commerce category page (you can only see a fraction in the screenshot above). Instead, Ebuyer could do something similar to what they’ve done with their footer:

Collapsed or tabbed content can be a great way to handle bulky internal linking structures on mobile

On desktop, all of these footer sections are expanded by default, and all visible. On mobile, they’re hidden in these expandable sections. This is generally a good way to handle SEO elements on mobile, as Google has said repeatedly at this point that there’s no downside to doing this.

Conclusion: On-page linking, but tastefully

I’ve tried to explore here some of the common issues that sites face when aiming for mobile/desktop linking parity.

To quickly recap, the main issues I recommend sites focus on are:

Missing navigation elements

Opportunities for deep-linking without resorting to mega-menus

And my suggested solutions are:

Pushing linking widgets to the bottom of the page on mobile, rather than removing them altogether

Using tabs, carousels, expandable sections and other creative solutions to make better use of on-screen real estate

I’m keen to see more examples in the wild, though — how is your site handling mobile-first internal linking? Tell me on Twitter!

[nutrifami]

Internal Linking for Mobile-First & Mobile-Only Indexing

Three years ago, I wrote a post for the Moz Blog advising how the latest news on mobile-first indexing would impact internal linking strategies, particularly for larger sites.

“By now, you’ve probably heard as much as you can bear about mobile first indexing”, I joked in my introduction. Little did I know.

Only now — in the summer of 2021 — are Google, supposedly, maybe, finalizing the rollout of mobile-first. Even as of August 2021, Google is still very much actively crawling sites with Googlebot desktop*.

As with the recent delays to the Core Web Vitals rollout, the issue here for Google is that they can’t push changes which make their results worse. As Mike King pointed out back in March over at iPullRank, there’s still a big disparity between the mobile and desktop versions of the web, especially when it comes to links.

I don’t need to persuade most SEOs that they should care about links, but I maybe do need to remind you that internal links are, for most pages, a much bigger part of how they get their strength than external links. On an even vaguely established site, it’s not unreasonable to think that including a landing page in your top nav is going to generate more impactful links than most digital PR campaigns could ever hope to. And yet, sites tend to focus disproportionately on the latter, which is perhaps what brings us to this conundrum today.

In this post, I’m going to point out some of the common causes of disparities between mobile and desktop internal linking, when you should care, and what you can do to fix these issues without throwing UX under the bus.

*(thanks to Dom Woodman and the wealth of data at his fingertips for confirming for me that this is still the case!)

A brief history of mobile-first

Back in 2015, SEOs had two months’ warning to prepare for what the industry nicknamed “Mobilegeddon”. This wasn’t the first time that Google had factored mobile friendliness into its rankings, but it was probably the first time they tried to make a really big deal out of it as a way of steering webmasters — a sign of things to come.

About 18 months later, in November 2016, we got the phrase “Mobile-first indexing”. Over the next few years, SEOs with access to multiple Search Console properties became familiar with the routine trickle of emails informing them of sites moving over to the new paradigm.

During this period, some SEOs, including the late Russ Jones, myself in the aforementioned post on the Moz Blog, and my old boss Will Critchlow, started to voice concerns about the potential impact on the linkgraph:

The overall impression at the time was that Google was using a hybrid index for now, but that “mobile only” was already on its way.

Fast forward to March 2020, and Google warned we had six months to prepare for the final toll of the desktop index. This initially suggested a September 2020 rollout, then that became March 2021, and then, as I’ve mentioned above, that date too seemed to pass without incident.

We should assume, though, that this is still coming, or perhaps largely already here, and as such that our mobile sites need to present the version of truth we want Google to see.

The roles of internal links

Internal links, like all other links, fulfill multiple vital functions:

Allowing search engines to discover new URLs

Passing on clues as to topical relevance, via their anchor text, and source URL

Passing on authority, via PageRank or equivalent

That’s of course without even getting into their roles in user experience, which is a topic for another post. (Although if you want to learn more about internal links, I recommend this Whiteboard Friday.)

A disparity in internal links between desktop and mobile versions, then, is likely to have far-reaching implications. (This also goes for any other two versions, such as rendered and raw HTML.) In most cases, one of the two versions will be the one that the site’s SEO practitioner(s) were happy with, and as such the other will not be.

At this point it’s common best practice, at least for your major templates, to routinely produce a list of links from both versions of the page and look for discrepancies.

That said, some differences are more impactful than others. For illustrative purposes, I’ve compared the desktop and mobile versions of five homepages, and in the rest of this post I’ll discuss some of the more interesting differences I noted, and what I’d recommend to the respective sites. Just to be clear: I am not involved with, or indeed pitching, any of these sites.

The five homepages I looked at were:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/ — the UK site of the global e-com juggernaut

https://www.optimizely.com/ — the well known CRO software

https://www.ebuyer.com/ — an electronics e-commerce site

https://www.zoopla.co.uk/ — a UK real estate site, similar to the US’s Zillow

https://www.nytimes.com/ — an American broadsheet newspaper

Interestingly, of these, two had no differences at all for us to discuss — congratulations to Optimizely and Zoopla for paying attention back in 2018. For the other three, read on...

Less harmful examples

Anchor links within a page

The Amazon UK homepage links to itself no fewer than six times, with anchor text such as “back to top”, “see product details”, and “next page” (within a carousel). These links are all unique to desktop, although the mobile version does have a “Top of page” link instead of the “Back to top” link.

Amazon UK desktop (top) vs. Amazon UK mobile (bottom)

You probably don’t need to be too concerned about links like these from an SEO perspective. There’s no dramatic difference in optimization or targeting implied by the different text, and pages linking to themselves probably aren’t going to reshape the linkgraph.

Links to non-indexed pages

Amazon UK desktop (top) vs. Amazon UK mobile (bottom)

The main nav link to the “Pet supplies” category on the Amazon UK homepage comes with different internal tracking tags on mobile vs. desktop:

Desktop: https://amzn.to/2Wg4OIV=nav_em__ps_t2_0_2_14_24

Mobile: https://amzn.to/2Wg4OIV=navm_em__pets_0_3_17_11

From a general SEO perspective, this isn’t an ideal way to handle internal link tracking — both of these URLs have a canonical tag pointing at the actual indexed page, but there’s still unnecessary dilution and wasted crawl budget here, compared to just tracking the link click using a JavaScript event listener.

However, from a specific mobile/desktop parity point of view, this isn’t a big deal. As I said, they both share a canonical tag pointing to the same place, so we end up with equivalent behavior.

A similar rule applies when linking to pages like “my account” or “basket” — there may be differences in desktop and mobile implementations, but as both pages are noindex and/or robots.txt blocked, it isn’t a big deal.

Anchor text

Ebuyer has a few instances of the same element using different anchor text on mobile vs. desktop:

Ebuyer desktop (top) vs. Ebuyer mobile (bottom)

Note the longer anchor text on mobile(!). I also noticed something similar on the New York Times site, although that may be due to them rapidly testing different headline variants.

Either way, I don’t think this is a huge deal as long as the behavior is intended and the implied topic is largely similar, which it is in these cases.

Common problems & solutions

Device-specific elements

One of the most common causes of disparity is navigation elements that are desktop-only. The example below is from Ebuyer, and shows a bunch of links that I was unable to find anywhere on their mobile homepage.

These links all point to URLs that also feature in the top-nav, so the impact on the link graph may not be huge. However, Google is likely to place different weightings on a prominent homepage link like this vs. a link buried in a navigation, so there are SEO implications to this disparity. Ebuyer’s desktop site implies that these are some of the most important subcategories on the site, whereas their mobile site gives them a more equal footing with other subcategories in the mega-menu.

Happening across millions of sites, this is the sort of issue that might impact the quality of Google’s results. Ebuyer has presumably featured here the categories that are core to their business, and if they rank slightly better in these cases than in other cases, that means Google is slightly more likely to show people results from a business that is highly competent in that area. That, from Google’s perspective, is surely a win, but one they miss out on by exclusively using the mobile version.

From Ebuyer’s point of view, the choice of what to feature in this element is a strategic lever that is lost when Google stops counting their desktop links. The only real solution here is to develop a mobile equivalent to this element, but one can be creative. It could be somewhere slightly different on the page, for example, or it could be a carousel on mobile but static on desktop. Alternatively, you can accept that this is a desktop-specific UX element that should be disregarded in any SEO consideration, and instead must justify itself through its benefit to conversion rates.

Mega-menus & subcategory linking

Many sites, especially e-commerce, handle internal linking by having a huge mega-menu on desktop that collapses into a hamburger menu perhaps four layers deep on mobile. This leaves users very many clicks from anything they might hope to find, and the ironic thing is that super-exhaustive top navigations aren’t necessarily optimal from an SEO perspective either. Sure, they get a lot of pages crawled and pass on a little equity, but they do nothing to concentrate relevance around subtopics, and they don’t allow you to focus your strength where it’s most needed.

Some sites improve on this with a section-specific subnavigation, for example these links on Amazon that only appear within the Grocery section:

This is a great alternative to a mega-menu in general, in that there are fewer sitewide links (meaning that each remaining sitewide link is a little stronger), and, proportionately, more links between closely related pages.

However, of course, this element doesn’t appear at all on mobile. D’oh.

Similarly, Amazon has these featured subcategories on desktop, performing a similar role:

Again, I’d say this is a great idea from an SEO perspective, but these links don’t exist on mobile.

Zoopla handles the same issue much more neatly:

Sidebar links to relevant subcategories

They similarly have subcategory links that only feature in the relevant category, but then on mobile, they retain them — just moving them to the bottom of the page instead of a sidebar:

Sidebar links shuffled to bottom of content on mobile

This isn’t hugely attractive, but it doesn’t matter — few people will scroll to these depths anyway, and Zoopla’s SEO strategy is robust to the mobile-only index as a result. Plus, because of the focus on interlinking only relevant subcategories, the volume of links here isn’t extreme.

SEO copy & hidden content

A similar argument could be made for Ebuyer’s treatment of SEO copy here:

It’s right at the bottom of the page, so perhaps this is an opportunity for internal linking? Indeed, there are a couple of links at the end of this block of text.

Without going too much into the benefits and drawbacks of this kind of copy in general, I’d say this is a little excessive for the bottom of an e-commerce category page (you can only see a fraction in the screenshot above). Instead, Ebuyer could do something similar to what they’ve done with their footer:

Collapsed or tabbed content can be a great way to handle bulky internal linking structures on mobile

On desktop, all of these footer sections are expanded by default, and all visible. On mobile, they’re hidden in these expandable sections. This is generally a good way to handle SEO elements on mobile, as Google has said repeatedly at this point that there’s no downside to doing this.

Conclusion: On-page linking, but tastefully

I’ve tried to explore here some of the common issues that sites face when aiming for mobile/desktop linking parity.

To quickly recap, the main issues I recommend sites focus on are:

Missing navigation elements

Opportunities for deep-linking without resorting to mega-menus

And my suggested solutions are:

Pushing linking widgets to the bottom of the page on mobile, rather than removing them altogether

Using tabs, carousels, expandable sections and other creative solutions to make better use of on-screen real estate

I’m keen to see more examples in the wild, though — how is your site handling mobile-first internal linking? Tell me on Twitter!

[ductrungnguyen87]

Internal Linking for Mobile-First & Mobile-Only Indexing

Three years ago, I wrote a post for the Moz Blog advising how the latest news on mobile-first indexing would impact internal linking strategies, particularly for larger sites.

“By now, you’ve probably heard as much as you can bear about mobile first indexing”, I joked in my introduction. Little did I know.

Only now — in the summer of 2021 — are Google, supposedly, maybe, finalizing the rollout of mobile-first. Even as of August 2021, Google is still very much actively crawling sites with Googlebot desktop*.

As with the recent delays to the Core Web Vitals rollout, the issue here for Google is that they can’t push changes which make their results worse. As Mike King pointed out back in March over at iPullRank, there’s still a big disparity between the mobile and desktop versions of the web, especially when it comes to links.

I don’t need to persuade most SEOs that they should care about links, but I maybe do need to remind you that internal links are, for most pages, a much bigger part of how they get their strength than external links. On an even vaguely established site, it’s not unreasonable to think that including a landing page in your top nav is going to generate more impactful links than most digital PR campaigns could ever hope to. And yet, sites tend to focus disproportionately on the latter, which is perhaps what brings us to this conundrum today.

In this post, I’m going to point out some of the common causes of disparities between mobile and desktop internal linking, when you should care, and what you can do to fix these issues without throwing UX under the bus.

*(thanks to Dom Woodman and the wealth of data at his fingertips for confirming for me that this is still the case!)

A brief history of mobile-first

Back in 2015, SEOs had two months’ warning to prepare for what the industry nicknamed “Mobilegeddon”. This wasn’t the first time that Google had factored mobile friendliness into its rankings, but it was probably the first time they tried to make a really big deal out of it as a way of steering webmasters — a sign of things to come.

About 18 months later, in November 2016, we got the phrase “Mobile-first indexing”. Over the next few years, SEOs with access to multiple Search Console properties became familiar with the routine trickle of emails informing them of sites moving over to the new paradigm.

During this period, some SEOs, including the late Russ Jones, myself in the aforementioned post on the Moz Blog, and my old boss Will Critchlow, started to voice concerns about the potential impact on the linkgraph:

The overall impression at the time was that Google was using a hybrid index for now, but that “mobile only” was already on its way.

Fast forward to March 2020, and Google warned we had six months to prepare for the final toll of the desktop index. This initially suggested a September 2020 rollout, then that became March 2021, and then, as I’ve mentioned above, that date too seemed to pass without incident.

We should assume, though, that this is still coming, or perhaps largely already here, and as such that our mobile sites need to present the version of truth we want Google to see.

The roles of internal links

Internal links, like all other links, fulfill multiple vital functions:

Allowing search engines to discover new URLs

Passing on clues as to topical relevance, via their anchor text, and source URL

Passing on authority, via PageRank or equivalent

That’s of course without even getting into their roles in user experience, which is a topic for another post. (Although if you want to learn more about internal links, I recommend this Whiteboard Friday.)

A disparity in internal links between desktop and mobile versions, then, is likely to have far-reaching implications. (This also goes for any other two versions, such as rendered and raw HTML.) In most cases, one of the two versions will be the one that the site’s SEO practitioner(s) were happy with, and as such the other will not be.

At this point it’s common best practice, at least for your major templates, to routinely produce a list of links from both versions of the page and look for discrepancies.

That said, some differences are more impactful than others. For illustrative purposes, I’ve compared the desktop and mobile versions of five homepages, and in the rest of this post I’ll discuss some of the more interesting differences I noted, and what I’d recommend to the respective sites. Just to be clear: I am not involved with, or indeed pitching, any of these sites.

The five homepages I looked at were:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/ — the UK site of the global e-com juggernaut

https://www.optimizely.com/ — the well known CRO software

https://www.ebuyer.com/ — an electronics e-commerce site

https://www.zoopla.co.uk/ — a UK real estate site, similar to the US’s Zillow

https://www.nytimes.com/ — an American broadsheet newspaper

Interestingly, of these, two had no differences at all for us to discuss — congratulations to Optimizely and Zoopla for paying attention back in 2018. For the other three, read on...

Less harmful examples

Anchor links within a page

The Amazon UK homepage links to itself no fewer than six times, with anchor text such as “back to top”, “see product details”, and “next page” (within a carousel). These links are all unique to desktop, although the mobile version does have a “Top of page” link instead of the “Back to top” link.

Amazon UK desktop (top) vs. Amazon UK mobile (bottom)

You probably don’t need to be too concerned about links like these from an SEO perspective. There’s no dramatic difference in optimization or targeting implied by the different text, and pages linking to themselves probably aren’t going to reshape the linkgraph.

Links to non-indexed pages

Amazon UK desktop (top) vs. Amazon UK mobile (bottom)

The main nav link to the “Pet supplies” category on the Amazon UK homepage comes with different internal tracking tags on mobile vs. desktop:

Desktop: https://ift.tt/3jhR20M=nav_em__ps_t2_0_2_14_24

Mobile: https://ift.tt/3jhR20M=navm_em__pets_0_3_17_11

From a general SEO perspective, this isn’t an ideal way to handle internal link tracking — both of these URLs have a canonical tag pointing at the actual indexed page, but there’s still unnecessary dilution and wasted crawl budget here, compared to just tracking the link click using a JavaScript event listener.

However, from a specific mobile/desktop parity point of view, this isn’t a big deal. As I said, they both share a canonical tag pointing to the same place, so we end up with equivalent behavior.

A similar rule applies when linking to pages like “my account” or “basket” — there may be differences in desktop and mobile implementations, but as both pages are noindex and/or robots.txt blocked, it isn’t a big deal.

Anchor text

Ebuyer has a few instances of the same element using different anchor text on mobile vs. desktop:

Ebuyer desktop (top) vs. Ebuyer mobile (bottom)

Note the longer anchor text on mobile(!). I also noticed something similar on the New York Times site, although that may be due to them rapidly testing different headline variants.

Either way, I don’t think this is a huge deal as long as the behavior is intended and the implied topic is largely similar, which it is in these cases.

Common problems & solutions

Device-specific elements

One of the most common causes of disparity is navigation elements that are desktop-only. The example below is from Ebuyer, and shows a bunch of links that I was unable to find anywhere on their mobile homepage.

These links all point to URLs that also feature in the top-nav, so the impact on the link graph may not be huge. However, Google is likely to place different weightings on a prominent homepage link like this vs. a link buried in a navigation, so there are SEO implications to this disparity. Ebuyer’s desktop site implies that these are some of the most important subcategories on the site, whereas their mobile site gives them a more equal footing with other subcategories in the mega-menu.

Happening across millions of sites, this is the sort of issue that might impact the quality of Google’s results. Ebuyer has presumably featured here the categories that are core to their business, and if they rank slightly better in these cases than in other cases, that means Google is slightly more likely to show people results from a business that is highly competent in that area. That, from Google’s perspective, is surely a win, but one they miss out on by exclusively using the mobile version.

From Ebuyer’s point of view, the choice of what to feature in this element is a strategic lever that is lost when Google stops counting their desktop links. The only real solution here is to develop a mobile equivalent to this element, but one can be creative. It could be somewhere slightly different on the page, for example, or it could be a carousel on mobile but static on desktop. Alternatively, you can accept that this is a desktop-specific UX element that should be disregarded in any SEO consideration, and instead must justify itself through its benefit to conversion rates.

Mega-menus & subcategory linking

Many sites, especially e-commerce, handle internal linking by having a huge mega-menu on desktop that collapses into a hamburger menu perhaps four layers deep on mobile. This leaves users very many clicks from anything they might hope to find, and the ironic thing is that super-exhaustive top navigations aren’t necessarily optimal from an SEO perspective either. Sure, they get a lot of pages crawled and pass on a little equity, but they do nothing to concentrate relevance around subtopics, and they don’t allow you to focus your strength where it’s most needed.

Some sites improve on this with a section-specific subnavigation, for example these links on Amazon that only appear within the Grocery section:

This is a great alternative to a mega-menu in general, in that there are fewer sitewide links (meaning that each remaining sitewide link is a little stronger), and, proportionately, more links between closely related pages.

However, of course, this element doesn’t appear at all on mobile. D’oh.

Similarly, Amazon has these featured subcategories on desktop, performing a similar role:

Again, I’d say this is a great idea from an SEO perspective, but these links don’t exist on mobile.

Zoopla handles the same issue much more neatly:

Sidebar links to relevant subcategories

They similarly have subcategory links that only feature in the relevant category, but then on mobile, they retain them — just moving them to the bottom of the page instead of a sidebar:

Sidebar links shuffled to bottom of content on mobile

This isn’t hugely attractive, but it doesn’t matter — few people will scroll to these depths anyway, and Zoopla’s SEO strategy is robust to the mobile-only index as a result. Plus, because of the focus on interlinking only relevant subcategories, the volume of links here isn’t extreme.

SEO copy & hidden content

A similar argument could be made for Ebuyer’s treatment of SEO copy here:

It’s right at the bottom of the page, so perhaps this is an opportunity for internal linking? Indeed, there are a couple of links at the end of this block of text.

Without going too much into the benefits and drawbacks of this kind of copy in general, I’d say this is a little excessive for the bottom of an e-commerce category page (you can only see a fraction in the screenshot above). Instead, Ebuyer could do something similar to what they’ve done with their footer:

Collapsed or tabbed content can be a great way to handle bulky internal linking structures on mobile

On desktop, all of these footer sections are expanded by default, and all visible. On mobile, they’re hidden in these expandable sections. This is generally a good way to handle SEO elements on mobile, as Google has said repeatedly at this point that there’s no downside to doing this.

Conclusion: On-page linking, but tastefully

I’ve tried to explore here some of the common issues that sites face when aiming for mobile/desktop linking parity.

To quickly recap, the main issues I recommend sites focus on are:

Missing navigation elements

Opportunities for deep-linking without resorting to mega-menus

And my suggested solutions are:

Pushing linking widgets to the bottom of the page on mobile, rather than removing them altogether

Using tabs, carousels, expandable sections and other creative solutions to make better use of on-screen real estate

I’m keen to see more examples in the wild, though — how is your site handling mobile-first internal linking? Tell me on Twitter!

[camerasieunhovn]

Internal Linking for Mobile-First & Mobile-Only Indexing

Three years ago, I wrote a post for the Moz Blog advising how the latest news on mobile-first indexing would impact internal linking strategies, particularly for larger sites.

“By now, you’ve probably heard as much as you can bear about mobile first indexing”, I joked in my introduction. Little did I know.

Only now — in the summer of 2021 — are Google, supposedly, maybe, finalizing the rollout of mobile-first. Even as of August 2021, Google is still very much actively crawling sites with Googlebot desktop*.

As with the recent delays to the Core Web Vitals rollout, the issue here for Google is that they can’t push changes which make their results worse. As Mike King pointed out back in March over at iPullRank, there’s still a big disparity between the mobile and desktop versions of the web, especially when it comes to links.

I don’t need to persuade most SEOs that they should care about links, but I maybe do need to remind you that internal links are, for most pages, a much bigger part of how they get their strength than external links. On an even vaguely established site, it’s not unreasonable to think that including a landing page in your top nav is going to generate more impactful links than most digital PR campaigns could ever hope to. And yet, sites tend to focus disproportionately on the latter, which is perhaps what brings us to this conundrum today.

In this post, I’m going to point out some of the common causes of disparities between mobile and desktop internal linking, when you should care, and what you can do to fix these issues without throwing UX under the bus.

*(thanks to Dom Woodman and the wealth of data at his fingertips for confirming for me that this is still the case!)

A brief history of mobile-first

Back in 2015, SEOs had two months’ warning to prepare for what the industry nicknamed “Mobilegeddon”. This wasn’t the first time that Google had factored mobile friendliness into its rankings, but it was probably the first time they tried to make a really big deal out of it as a way of steering webmasters — a sign of things to come.

About 18 months later, in November 2016, we got the phrase “Mobile-first indexing”. Over the next few years, SEOs with access to multiple Search Console properties became familiar with the routine trickle of emails informing them of sites moving over to the new paradigm.

During this period, some SEOs, including the late Russ Jones, myself in the aforementioned post on the Moz Blog, and my old boss Will Critchlow, started to voice concerns about the potential impact on the linkgraph:

The overall impression at the time was that Google was using a hybrid index for now, but that “mobile only” was already on its way.

Fast forward to March 2020, and Google warned we had six months to prepare for the final toll of the desktop index. This initially suggested a September 2020 rollout, then that became March 2021, and then, as I’ve mentioned above, that date too seemed to pass without incident.

We should assume, though, that this is still coming, or perhaps largely already here, and as such that our mobile sites need to present the version of truth we want Google to see.

The roles of internal links

Internal links, like all other links, fulfill multiple vital functions:

Allowing search engines to discover new URLs

Passing on clues as to topical relevance, via their anchor text, and source URL

Passing on authority, via PageRank or equivalent

That’s of course without even getting into their roles in user experience, which is a topic for another post. (Although if you want to learn more about internal links, I recommend this Whiteboard Friday.)

A disparity in internal links between desktop and mobile versions, then, is likely to have far-reaching implications. (This also goes for any other two versions, such as rendered and raw HTML.) In most cases, one of the two versions will be the one that the site’s SEO practitioner(s) were happy with, and as such the other will not be.

At this point it’s common best practice, at least for your major templates, to routinely produce a list of links from both versions of the page and look for discrepancies.

That said, some differences are more impactful than others. For illustrative purposes, I’ve compared the desktop and mobile versions of five homepages, and in the rest of this post I’ll discuss some of the more interesting differences I noted, and what I’d recommend to the respective sites. Just to be clear: I am not involved with, or indeed pitching, any of these sites.

The five homepages I looked at were:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/ — the UK site of the global e-com juggernaut

https://www.optimizely.com/ — the well known CRO software

https://www.ebuyer.com/ — an electronics e-commerce site

https://www.zoopla.co.uk/ — a UK real estate site, similar to the US’s Zillow

https://www.nytimes.com/ — an American broadsheet newspaper

Interestingly, of these, two had no differences at all for us to discuss — congratulations to Optimizely and Zoopla for paying attention back in 2018. For the other three, read on...

Less harmful examples

Anchor links within a page

The Amazon UK homepage links to itself no fewer than six times, with anchor text such as “back to top”, “see product details”, and “next page” (within a carousel). These links are all unique to desktop, although the mobile version does have a “Top of page” link instead of the “Back to top” link.

Amazon UK desktop (top) vs. Amazon UK mobile (bottom)

You probably don’t need to be too concerned about links like these from an SEO perspective. There’s no dramatic difference in optimization or targeting implied by the different text, and pages linking to themselves probably aren’t going to reshape the linkgraph.

Links to non-indexed pages

Amazon UK desktop (top) vs. Amazon UK mobile (bottom)

The main nav link to the “Pet supplies” category on the Amazon UK homepage comes with different internal tracking tags on mobile vs. desktop:

Desktop: https://ift.tt/3jhR20M=nav_em__ps_t2_0_2_14_24

Mobile: https://ift.tt/3jhR20M=navm_em__pets_0_3_17_11

From a general SEO perspective, this isn’t an ideal way to handle internal link tracking — both of these URLs have a canonical tag pointing at the actual indexed page, but there’s still unnecessary dilution and wasted crawl budget here, compared to just tracking the link click using a JavaScript event listener.

However, from a specific mobile/desktop parity point of view, this isn’t a big deal. As I said, they both share a canonical tag pointing to the same place, so we end up with equivalent behavior.

A similar rule applies when linking to pages like “my account” or “basket” — there may be differences in desktop and mobile implementations, but as both pages are noindex and/or robots.txt blocked, it isn’t a big deal.

Anchor text

Ebuyer has a few instances of the same element using different anchor text on mobile vs. desktop:

Ebuyer desktop (top) vs. Ebuyer mobile (bottom)

Note the longer anchor text on mobile(!). I also noticed something similar on the New York Times site, although that may be due to them rapidly testing different headline variants.

Either way, I don’t think this is a huge deal as long as the behavior is intended and the implied topic is largely similar, which it is in these cases.

Common problems & solutions

Device-specific elements

One of the most common causes of disparity is navigation elements that are desktop-only. The example below is from Ebuyer, and shows a bunch of links that I was unable to find anywhere on their mobile homepage.

These links all point to URLs that also feature in the top-nav, so the impact on the link graph may not be huge. However, Google is likely to place different weightings on a prominent homepage link like this vs. a link buried in a navigation, so there are SEO implications to this disparity. Ebuyer’s desktop site implies that these are some of the most important subcategories on the site, whereas their mobile site gives them a more equal footing with other subcategories in the mega-menu.

Happening across millions of sites, this is the sort of issue that might impact the quality of Google’s results. Ebuyer has presumably featured here the categories that are core to their business, and if they rank slightly better in these cases than in other cases, that means Google is slightly more likely to show people results from a business that is highly competent in that area. That, from Google’s perspective, is surely a win, but one they miss out on by exclusively using the mobile version.

From Ebuyer’s point of view, the choice of what to feature in this element is a strategic lever that is lost when Google stops counting their desktop links. The only real solution here is to develop a mobile equivalent to this element, but one can be creative. It could be somewhere slightly different on the page, for example, or it could be a carousel on mobile but static on desktop. Alternatively, you can accept that this is a desktop-specific UX element that should be disregarded in any SEO consideration, and instead must justify itself through its benefit to conversion rates.

Mega-menus & subcategory linking

Many sites, especially e-commerce, handle internal linking by having a huge mega-menu on desktop that collapses into a hamburger menu perhaps four layers deep on mobile. This leaves users very many clicks from anything they might hope to find, and the ironic thing is that super-exhaustive top navigations aren’t necessarily optimal from an SEO perspective either. Sure, they get a lot of pages crawled and pass on a little equity, but they do nothing to concentrate relevance around subtopics, and they don’t allow you to focus your strength where it’s most needed.

Some sites improve on this with a section-specific subnavigation, for example these links on Amazon that only appear within the Grocery section:

This is a great alternative to a mega-menu in general, in that there are fewer sitewide links (meaning that each remaining sitewide link is a little stronger), and, proportionately, more links between closely related pages.

However, of course, this element doesn’t appear at all on mobile. D’oh.

Similarly, Amazon has these featured subcategories on desktop, performing a similar role:

Again, I’d say this is a great idea from an SEO perspective, but these links don’t exist on mobile.

Zoopla handles the same issue much more neatly:

Sidebar links to relevant subcategories

They similarly have subcategory links that only feature in the relevant category, but then on mobile, they retain them — just moving them to the bottom of the page instead of a sidebar:

Sidebar links shuffled to bottom of content on mobile

This isn’t hugely attractive, but it doesn’t matter — few people will scroll to these depths anyway, and Zoopla’s SEO strategy is robust to the mobile-only index as a result. Plus, because of the focus on interlinking only relevant subcategories, the volume of links here isn’t extreme.

SEO copy & hidden content

A similar argument could be made for Ebuyer’s treatment of SEO copy here:

It’s right at the bottom of the page, so perhaps this is an opportunity for internal linking? Indeed, there are a couple of links at the end of this block of text.

Without going too much into the benefits and drawbacks of this kind of copy in general, I’d say this is a little excessive for the bottom of an e-commerce category page (you can only see a fraction in the screenshot above). Instead, Ebuyer could do something similar to what they’ve done with their footer:

Collapsed or tabbed content can be a great way to handle bulky internal linking structures on mobile

On desktop, all of these footer sections are expanded by default, and all visible. On mobile, they’re hidden in these expandable sections. This is generally a good way to handle SEO elements on mobile, as Google has said repeatedly at this point that there’s no downside to doing this.

Conclusion: On-page linking, but tastefully

I’ve tried to explore here some of the common issues that sites face when aiming for mobile/desktop linking parity.

To quickly recap, the main issues I recommend sites focus on are:

Missing navigation elements

Opportunities for deep-linking without resorting to mega-menus

And my suggested solutions are:

Pushing linking widgets to the bottom of the page on mobile, rather than removing them altogether

Using tabs, carousels, expandable sections and other creative solutions to make better use of on-screen real estate

I’m keen to see more examples in the wild, though — how is your site handling mobile-first internal linking? Tell me on Twitter!