#it probably breaks down as a metaphor; sadly; somewhere in the peach/goomba interactions

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now, you're probably wondering what i'm gonna need all this speed for. after all, i've been jogging in place under this highway overpass for 12 hours. but to answer that, we need to talk about the standard model of particle physics in terms of super mario 64, and if you thought my other tangents were complicated, just you wait. okay: 

particles can only decay into products of equal or less energy. this is why “those damned vector bosons” were so hard to find -- W and Z boson interactions are very rare unless you are able to generate enough energy to start from a (more massive) top quark. SM64 doesn’t seem to have mass-energy equivalence, but neither does our universe at tangible scales, so if you assume the powerups from earlier installations in the series are simply objects that instantaneously give mario enough energy to become next-generation matter, then you could say that finding the vector bosons was a feat of sheer skill approximately equivalent to completing “watch for rolling rocks” in 0.5x a presses, since within the verisimilitude of the mario universe it would be like accelerating mario to the point that he became a level 3 fire-flower mario without ever eating any powerups (in order to observe vector boson decay):

(as a sidenote, since fire power is not accessible to mario in SM64, one must assume -- because this was perhaps the beginning of dr. egadd’s meddling in parallel universes, ultimately culminating in a handy and portable paintbrush that allows bowser jr. to revise an entire probabilistic distribution of timelines in super mario sunshine -- chronologically SM64 must precede the original SMB, which implies that somehow bowser’s infernal machinations caused the mario universe to lose an entire spatial dimension and/or travel to the past relative to our universe, which is thoroughly beyond the scope of this essay)

thus mario in the PU grid can be thought of as permissible particle excitations in their respective fields, and QPU-alignment can be thought of as appropriate routes to the particle interactions you would like to observe:

yes, this would seem to imply that many particle collisions generated at the large hadron collider and immediately discarded by the event filtering system may have been capable of containing interesting interactions or novel physics, but it likely would have been in overly complex edge cases that involved diverging from the most efficient QPU-alignment, and returning to it, before generating the uncommon particle interactions under observation: 

”but that can be difficult if you’re not near out of bounds” -- or, stated another way, unsual particle interactions may have resulted from a chain of QPU-misaligned and individually uncommon interactions, each on the tail of their own individual probability distributions:

it’s necessary of course to note that one particle can have one or more decay products, so it’s perhaps more helpful to specifically identify mario as a quark and not an electron, with the fireballs he carries being a more appropriate analogy for electrons (and neutrinos). if we assume mario can decay into a mario/wario pair of equal or lower energy -- propagating, transforming, subdividing, and recombining across the PU grid -- thus we can derive 1) matter/antimatter asymmetry and 2) baryon/lepton number conservation, which can both be thought of as simply protagonist bias: 1) any character can transform into another, but there must always be more marios than warios or else it would be a wario game, and there cannot be an exactly equal number of marios and warios without significant localized asymmetries or else they would all annihilate each other and nothing would be happening, which we know not to be the case, and 2) all characters interact with multiple types of fireball, but they cannot decay into them, nor can fireballs decay into characters:

of course, really each generation of matter has its respective type of fireball, and even aside from character transmutation, mario can also change the color of his clothes without changing his identity, as well as some other stuff (i.e. yoshi, the force carrying boson of electromagnetism; the 8 goombas of the strong force, which have color charge; or the mass-governing peach boson) -- but these details don’t much matter much for our purposes:

in this way you can think of all particle collisions as some combination of marios and antimarios (and luigis and antiluigis) throwing hot and cold fire and antifire at each other and constantly trading identities in some kind of freaky friday writ large, with a virtual horde of goombas and yoshis popping in and out of existence in an attempt to try and mediate the conflict, while peach and bowser govern the parameters of war from their ivory towers. the more astute among you may have also noticed that bowsonic and marionic material can also decay into each other. ha ha, yes! they can, and it is also possible to create a peach boson out of marionic matter, but this was only recently confirmed in 2012. peach may employ an extremely difficult-to-detect type of peach-only fireball for political ends, but it has never been observed (the graviton). now, take “defacto speed” as an analogue for relativistic time dilation:

hgggq... fuckign..,. loop quantum gravity

as you can see, hhh the nature of probramming a circuguit in the guantum gomputer, hehh 

*stumbles while jogging in place and just fucking goes zooming off into a portal to another universe*