#it makes me think oh maybe it was me i understoof them wrong i can never fuckinh trust my judgement
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#my dad is so fucking#frustrating i fucking hate him so much#why can't he just stick to one thing? if you've decided to be an asshole then be a goddamn asshole#why these random bursts of affection and caring I HATE IT it hurts me more than you scolding me#because your love is so fucking conditional and fickle and i never know what to do to keep receiving it#and it makes me question everything about myself my thoughts my relationships whether if im actually ever right when im mad at people#it makes me think oh maybe it was me i understoof them wrong i can never fuckinh trust my judgement#like feeling unloved is all MY fault i am the one who can never get enough#i still don't know if that's true#broken three different relationships and I still don't know this about myself everytime i was like i don't feel like you love me and they#were like what no ofcourse i do but if you can't see it then fine fuck off i give up#he said he is concerned about my weight because he's scared i might get some diseases like thyroid (bc mum has it) or pcod or something???#like dude why tf did u not just say that pehle 😭😭😭😭 i spent like 5 days feeling miserable not eating properly because i thought you#hated my appearance all my fragile self esteem it's all broken now i can't eat dinner without thinking about you saying don't you dare have#dinner if you feel hungry just drink water#and the worst part is i can't even skip dinner because it gives me a horrible headache the next morning and then i can't study and work#which btw YOU can absolutely not tolerate i gave up on being happy for your dreams im just trying to make you proud and happiness feels#like a far fetched dream now but i keep going everyday because im so close to the finish line and maybe if i do this you would finally be#happy with me love me#i told him that my first loan file got sanctioned today and he was so fucking happy so proud so soft like eat the dragonfruit i brought for#you okay it's so tasty and take care of yourself celebrate this little win you've worked hard#like just. please. don't confuse me you saying shit like this made me sob so much harder than all your angry words
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