#it makes me Emo knowing that i'm not just speaking to the void and that there are ppl out there listening etc

[rayshippouuchiha]

Dearest Fox Void, I am glad you have returned.

I need to tell you about my transfem!Ed Elric idea.

Mostly, it's that Ed has never thought about her gender, but as soon as anyone brings up she may be a girl her response is to think about it for a bit, then go "Oh! No wait that makes sense." And proceed to go all in about it.

Specifically, I'm thinking about Ed being on the run with Greed and the others and needing a disguise. What better disguise when the country is on the lookout for a short loud blond boy alchemist than a fairly normal height blond girl? Ed transmutes his coat into a dress, keeps his hair down, adds a bit more heel to his boots and speaks quietly or not at all and Boom! that's just a shy girl.

After a little bit of doing this, with Ed seemingly not having any issues with the act, Greed tries to poke at Ed a little bit.

Greed: So, you seem to be playing a girl so well, what if you actually are one? (Expecting Ed to blow up about being a man and not into girly things, etc.)

Ed: [shrugs] It's not like it's a big deal, cross-dressing is fun, everyone enjoys it a little bit.

The Chimeras: ... no, no they don't.

Ed: ... What?

Darius: Honestly, kid, i'm not sure how you do it all the time. I think if I tried it I would feel uncomfortable even if I *could* pull it off.

Heinkel: Yeah, and you seem to... enjoy being seen as a girl more than as a boy.

Ed: ...

Greed is now expecting panic and loud, fervent denials, but Ed remains quiet. It's, like, half an hour before he comes back and is like, "no, yeah, turns out I'm actually a girl. Huh."

Greed: What??? Just like that??? No angst or anything???

Ed: [shrugs] it's not like it's anything bad. I just never thought about it.

Heinkel: [deciding that he's gonna roll with it to screw with Greed] so, are you gonna change your name? Edward is pretty masculine.

Ed: [oblivious to Heinkel's game and Greedlings internal screaming] Well, I want to keep being Ed, but I never really liked Edward much anyway. Maybe Eden?

Darius: [picked up on Heinkel's wavelength] sounds good to me.

So, yeah, now Ed is going by Eden and she/her pronouns. Every time Ed meets up with someone who really knows her (Al. Winry, Pinako, Izumi and Sig) and tells them, the general reaction is "no, yeah, that tracks" and Greedling is so *so* frustrated at the nonchalance. (Hohenheim is surprised, but his general demeanor makes him incapable of expressing it to the degree Greed wants.)

After the final battle, Ling leaves Ed with a cute outfit (think that one emo anime-girl pic that was everywhere. Or any hot-topic teenage girl. The red plaid miniskirt with the chains is required) and Ed loves it, and hates that she loves it, and is mildly weirded out by the fact that it is tailored to her. But, the important thing is that she wears it to Team Mustangs room to quit the military, which is how she comes out to all of them.

See I read this and all I can think is "where's the fic, anon?" because yes please and thank you????

[monscrow]

intro post, i guess!!!

askbox open only on weekends (when i remember lol); got too overwhelmed by spam, my apologies.

last updated 10/feb/2025

⚠️flash warning for blinkies at the bottom⚠️

free gaza, free palestine, stop genocide. you don't agree? block me.

i go by mons, crow and vic/víctor!!

my pronouns are they/them, he/him and any neos/xenos that you think would fit either comedically or off of vibes.

lvl 16, so, a minor !! beware

aroacespec, something like that; qprs are sick asf and all hail relationship anarchy.

art sideblog is @monscrowdraws

audhdcd (asd + adhd + ocd 😻😋) and hEDS. i use tonetags, feel free to ask for clarification!!!

bday is oct 7. 🎉🎉🎉

i'm mexican 🇲🇽!! i speak both spanish and english.

timezone is cst/utc-6.

i say slurs i can reclaim (mainly the f and t queer ones) and swear a lot, though if that makes you uncomfortable please either block me or lmk so i can try to tone it down when around you.

i love interacting!! feel free to tag me in stuff, send some asks (be it on anon or not), or message me! moots can ask for my discord even if we've never actually talked before. though i suck at keeping consistent; nothing personal i promise</3 /gen

i tend to spam-reblog so do with that information what you will.

some tags you might see me use here and there:

#mons rambles ← just my thoughts, ideas, opinions, and whatever i feel like throwing into the tumblr void.

#ask a crow / #anon asks ← askbox replies.

#save / #art save / #fav / #hellsite faves ← these are more for myself, but yeah they're pretty self-descriptive. just in case you get curious or anything.

hyperfixations/interests/things i'm passionate about !!! i guess, kinda

→ mcr (+ most of the members' solo projects)

→ killjoys (california + national anthem, but mainly calif and fanon)

→ demolition lovers lore (i have literally written like at least three different essays about it for school help me i'm so serious)

→ emo/alt/diy culture

→ will wood

→ bandom in general

→ sonic the hedgehog (franchise)

→ graphic design, arts and crafts, illustration, animation (that's right y'all graphic design IS my passion 😔)

→ fnaf (bonnie fnaf they could never make me hate you)

→ cosplay/costume-making

→ d&d

→ crows (no way, crow, really???)

→ australian shepherds

→ the umbrella academy (s4 isn't canon in my heart + currently reading the comics !!! )

→ gravity falls

→ neurodivergencies/psychology/disabilities (this one's pretty meta ngl)

→ lgbtqia+ identities (emphasis on the aroace-spec ones + relationship anarchy)

→ politics/activism

→ linguistics + conlangs

→ fantasy in general (high fantasy, magic, vampires, tieflings, you name it)

→ boardgames

→ the count of monte cristo (book + 2024 movie)

→ webfishing :3

→ uhhhh there's more but i don't remember rn, i'll keep adding as i see fit (probably... maybe..... perhaps....... quizás........ puede ser..........)

dni

trump supporters, terfs, transphobes, anti lgbtqia+/queerphobics, exclusionists, ableists, racists, prolifers/antichoicers, proshippers/anti-antis, irl gore, pro-israel/zionists, pro-ai generated "content", pro-nft, non-critical media consumers, classists, ed blogs, sh blogs.

also, i'm aware that dnis tend to not be effective and i probably will still get shitty ppl in my inbox so i can and will block. though i'm p chill as long as you're chill. this blog is run by a very neurodivergent, mentally ill, mexican, transmasc, aroace faggot, and any kind of bigoted hatred will not be tolerated.

blinkies made with blinkies cafe !!!

pssst btw, before you go, if you read my intro post i'd heavily encourage you to like it, so i can know!!! :] (/nf though!)

[redstringraven]

ahh hi, i just wanted to drop by and say that while i’ve absolutely LOVED your enneagram series, your mikey installment just completely blew me away. he’s my favoritest boy in the world so i love love love seeing me some good analysis.

this isn’t to say that i think overall tmnt 03 fandom handles mikey poorly—absolutely not, i’m actually consistently impressed with how much love and appreciation he gets! but i feel like a lot of interpretations of him tend to sand his edges down a little? one of the reasons he’s my favorite 03 boy is because… well, he’s kind of a mean guy sometimes! i really really loved seeing your examination of where those seemingly out-of-pocket quips come from. and while we all love those moments of thoughtful empathy from him, like with his oft-quoted insight during leo’s emo arc, i am so happy to see you acknowledge this scene as something that can COEXIST with his fear of vulnerability and self reflection, not something that DISPROVES it. does that make any sense??? i don’t know i’m just SO happy to see a properly nuanced take on 03 mikey since he’s imo the most deceptively opaque of his counterparts in other iterations.

anyways yeah i just wanted to say i found your analysis really uniquely insightful and i will definitely be keeping some of your commentary in mind as i continue my rewatch of 03 :) (also did u HAVE to call me out so hard in the section on gluttony and needing to fill the void with more stuff to consume because um. ow. /lighthearted.)

;-; fjkjkd THANK YOU so much!! i'm so glad i could provide, and especially that i was able to do the mikester justice. he's a goofy guy, sweet boy, got a lot going on in that noggin' of his.

i think you hit the nail on the head, there; mikey's just as 'capable of being mean' as his brothers are. like, don having to remind him that they're just as much 'monsters' as the folks from the underground are. mikey's definitely freaked out in these episodes, so he might be walking the line of 'average' and stress-1, but i think it's fair to say this is some of that judgement, black/white thinking and pessimism rearing its head. and this is despite after he says they shouldn't trust the undergrounders, raph asks "why?". raph's got a good track record of detecting sus behavior, yet he's pretty calm right now...should be a signal that things are fine, but mikey's not receptive of it (speaking of, he's the only one out of the three who doesn't have any dialogue throughout the scene where the y'lyntian is monologuing up until he shuts down the guy's """offer""" for them to live in the underground city; i'm going to be self-indulgent and say his 8 was doing ye ol' sussing out power and intent here).

BUT YEAH NO, i agree and think that the insight scene in samurai tourist is a great example of "both can be true". more than one thing or feeling can be happening at once, you very much make sense and i shake your hand. u-u!!!

and fHLFDSKGHLSD i apologize for the call out >xDD the enneagram can and will do that as you begin homing in on your type. i've had several instances while reading up on my own where i just caught myself staring at a wall like

thank you so much for the wonderful words and the ask!! ;w; i'm so happy you liked it and that i did good by our friendly neighborhood battle nexus champion. have a wonderful day, duder! ✌🖤🌷

[thespectrespecss]

MAYBE WE GOT LOST IN TRANSLATION

Yet another Taylor Swift-titled blog. Dear self, if you're reading this sometime in the future, today, you discovered and accepted that everything isn't always what it seems, and anything is possible in prayer. But you realize more that everything isn't what it seems. Clarity is kindness. So, even with your own actions, it pays to be careful. *sigh*

Anyway, hi. After my well-intended sapilitang rest, I couldn't find the time to blog to accomplish backlogs for ministry. But I have recently been having good devotion times, especially following John Bevere's Wilderness Lesson Series. I really am getting a good revelation on the wilderness season with this series. It gives me more reason to be grateful for the things I have, where I am, and the people I'm with now. It's not a feel-good series, though. I feel so convicted, seen, exposed, and called out... God has a way of speaking the right words to you at the right time and season. It's up to you how you'll receive it. In my case, I'm at a "stubborn-kid-covering-her-ears" phase. Hehe. Not something I'm proud of. There's just this irrational fear of having to go through what I have to go through. Suntukan with Holy Spirit. But I know I'm kept steady by my loving Heavenly Father. Makulit lang si anteh. Just really praying for more strength to overcome. So much of what's in front of me is in a blur to almost zero visibility. It's like stepping into a void where you don't know where you're going or what's going to happen; am I going to get lost in an endless void? Am I going to be entering a parallel universe where we all get to live perfectly holy? Am I going to suddenly enter hell? Will I be seeing aliens? Endless questions, but God reveals in parts... and so I have no idea but I have impressions here and there. What are we doing now, God? How are we going to do this? Are we coming in slowly, carefully, gently? Or are we plunging in with a big splash? My mind is a mess right now. Still, I put my trust in the one who has already gone before me. Someone who has already seen what is ahead will guide me and be with me, lighting my path.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. - Psalm 23:4

I am thankful to be in this kind of intimacy with the one who knows me best. Grabe, God! Mahal mo 'ko?

*Sigh* So how about I recap some stuff that happened the past few days to put them here for memoriezzzz.

After my rest, I joined the painting day to prepare for our upcoming kids conference. I am proud to say I drew the things on these boards, plus 3 more boards with faces with different emotions. Almost forgot how happy coloring things make me. Also, I never knew I could do big art! This was a first, and it filled me up so much! Happy I got to do something I love for the ministry I love.

Discovered a new cafe. It's so perfect for co-working. Also got cool music played at just the right time. They usually blast Taylor Swift, perfect for my emo afternoons while working. Sometimes, they'll play my guilty pleasure opm (adie, arthur nery, etc). They also have very friendly crew. Coffee is an 8/10 for me-- nothing special but it doesn't taste bad. I also like their iced teas-- perfect for when I can't drink coffee after 3PM (hack to sleeping early). Hoping fewer people go here haha. Really enjoy just having my peace, quiet, and coffee here.

Started Saturday by people-watching as I waited for my friend to walk into the Prophetic Masterclass we're having in the church near this area. A little stoked with how the day will turn out but also a little nervous with what God is about to reveal. Agck. See next pic for a glimpse of the revelation...

Yep. Got this tattooed on my wrist in March and got prayed for Fear to be out of my body and out of my system during the sessions. I really felt as if good physically pulled something out of me. It was momentous and I always get in awe of God's peace and comfort when he just makes me tangibly feel all these.

Got a little distracted in the class because of this lady's cute earrings. I mean, LOOK AT IT!!! ORANGES!!!!! I love it so much. It's obviously handcrafted so it makes me love it more.

I really had a good week this week. I'm about to do some egress/ingress for some stuff to be transported from one mall to another for tomorrow's service... But I am so grateful for rest. Even when they had to threaten me to do it. I feel bad not being able to help but knew I needed the rest.

Thank God for always sustaining me even when I can't stand out of exhaustion. He's the best and I wouldn't ask for anything else. I just love being in his presence.

Loved this week, really. Thanking God for Rest. <3 --- Here's a selfie to cap this

[cadaceus]

C2E141

One last time, y’all. This campaign and these characters have meant so much to me, and this seven hour finale was definitely an emotional rollercoaster. (Yes, I shed actual tears at one point, which rarely happens to me with media. But this is a special occasion.) These liveblogs are nearly as long as the episode itself, so grab a snack! With that being said, here are my very last liveblogs for Campaign 2 of Critical Role. As always, major spoilers below, so beware. 

- Veth taking a level in Wizard, god I am really gonna cry ten minutes into this thing...  😭

- We got our first “stay with us” to Essek, I am emo...

- I was fully not expecting to say goodbye to Frumpkin, but now I’m on the verge of tears... farewell dear fey friend (Marisha saying “that wasn’t supposed to be what broke me” me too me too)

- “You’re a good person.” “I could be.” “You are.”

- “I think you’re a good person” I never thought that I’d hear Beau say that about Essek and this genuinely might be what breaks me... she thinks he’s a good person.... redemption is possible.... maybe love is real....

- If I end up crying over wizards, look away

- Jester lifting up Fjord’s arm to snuggle beneath it made me say “awww” out loud  🥺

- VETH GOING FOR A DIP IN THE POND, I AM GENUINELY SO PROUD OF HER

- “Aahhh!! It’s me! Your wife!” I am going to miss Jester’s sending so much

- Okay that accent bit was so funny, I am going to miss all of them so much

- REAL MOLLY IS BACK REAL MOLLY IS BACK REAL MOLLY IS BACK

- Oh but he doesn’t remember them... and Yasha is trying so hard to help him remember, it’s so so sweet 

- Something about the way he said “Tealeaf’s nice” made me tear up... I was neutral on Mollymauk early campaign because I went into things knowing that he passed away, but this whole conversation with the Mighty Nein is So Much. Also “Kingsley Tealeaf” 

- “Everyone should have a brother” as someone with three of them, I vouch for this  🥺

- a) I love Marion Lavorre (and Jester ofc!) so very much and b) I can’t believe that Jester’s parent trap actually worked??

- “I do not think Exandria is ready for how you’re going to change it” got to me... and it’s also so true. jester has already changed the world just by being kind.

- Good bye Marion... I love and will miss you so much! (And many thanks to Laura and Matt for creating an agoraphic single mother who raised a wonderful child <3)

- Beau and Jester teasing Marion for having a complicated relationship with Babenon reminds me of Caleb saying he has a complicated relationship with Essek...

- LEAVE CALEB ALON E FUOIKJLKGKNL 

- THIS IS ....... SO MUCH WORSE THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.

- Caleb’s biggest trauma(s) coming back to haunt him, I am genuinely going to cry I’m not ready for this I’m not okay

- Beau saying to Jester “Thanks, cutie” I love themmmmm

- INITIATIVE AAGJASKHDKJ AAAAAHHHH

- Essek’s Gravity Sinkhole did nothing? uhhhhh Mr Stark...

- EADWULF???? HELLO?????

- Essek using his entire turn to save Caleb last battle 🤝 Caleb using his entire turn to save Essek this battle

- ASTRID???? I TRUSTED YOU??? WE ALL TRUSTED YOU????

- Another Counterspell chain sdfdghjkdl wizards !!!

- “It’s just business” is literally the Neutral Evil line, it always gives me chills when any character says it

- This hurts more after Liam confirming on Twitter that Astrid/Caleb/Eadwulf were all three a romantic item... please stop hurting Caleb, you loved him  😭

- THE FJORD VS EADWULF SWORD FIGHT IS SO CINEMATIC I LOVE IT HERE ACTUALLY

- Essek taking every opportunity to pull Caleb to safety makes me so emotional...  😭

- “You’re not the first student I’ve had to put down” I am burning with my anger for you, old man 

- THE DISPEL WORKED LET’S GO CALEB.....

- Remember when Matt said that Essek doesn’t openly show concern/emotion? And now he’s saying “I’m scared” in front of his closest friends and his worst enemies.... growth my love.....

- BEAU AND VETH LETS GO CHAOS CREW LETS MF GO BABEYYYY!!!

- FJORD COUNTERSPELLING THE DIMENSION DOOR..... and Matt having him describe it.... is this taking the place of a “HDYWTDT” *eyes emoji*

- CALEB GOING DOWN NO, THANK GOD FOR THAT DEATH WARD

- Veth’s illusion of Caleb’s parents flanking Caleb in the flames.... that got me too, Liam

- “Stay down.” yeah, okay, that was sexy

- ASTRID BEING THE ONE TO ACTIVATE THE COLLAR IS LITERALLY POETIC JUSTICE... Trent being beaten by the student who stuck with him longest I love this so much, she deserved that moment honestly

- Break Time, AKA Emma Makes Her Weekly Mug Brownie Interlude

- Sometimes I feel like “death is too good for you” is a copout, but in this case it fits so well, I want this mf’s reputation destroyed and the entire operation exposed and overthrown let’s goooo

- “I loved you both so much”.... Astrid and Eadwulf walking away.... oh, Blumendrei... I know this is not the end of your story. What’s past is prologue, loves

- The Empire Siblings are gonna burn down the whole system because it’s the system that enables individual corruption... I am so fulfilled by this, god i love them

- “I love you too” OH MY GOD I LOVE THEM SO MUCH, FJORESTER ARE THE CUTEST FOR REAL

- Jester and Essek’s friendship still means so much to me btw just in case anyone wanted a check-in

- Veth giving the flask to Kingsley!! Good for her, good for her!

- OH Blumenduo are back already! I truly thought that was going to be their last appearance of the Campaign, why is this taking me more by surprise than Trent’s appearance

- “[Caleb] notes how similar Eadwulf and Fjord are” this is Widofjord adjacent... this episode we have gotten Widomauk-adjacent, Widojest-adjacent, and Widofjord-adjacent (and Blumentrio ofc), now come through Shadowgast and we can get a full Bingo on the “Bisexual Maelstrom” card

- Speaking of relationships, I am lowkey into the Fjord/Jester/Kingsley dynamic LOL no one look at me I’m in hiding

- I’M NOT READY TO SAY GOODBYE TO VETH AND CAD 😭 It makes sense and the fact that they have their families back is beautiful but also consider this: I’m sad and I will miss them 

- The goodbyes to Caduceus..... I am going to cry aren’t I?

- “If he’s anything like his mom, you won’t see him until it’s too late” Okay that made me giggle, I love Veth and I love Luc and I love their little family

- IS ESSEK LEAVING TOO? THAT’S GONNA BE WHAT BREAKS ME ISN’T IT

- If Essek leaves and we never see him again, getting a triple whammy of goodbyes I will be so incredibly sad, I cannot do this  😭

- If anyone is interested, no I am not doing well

- I was lowkey ready to get an Essek’s feelings for Caleb confirmation tonight, I guess it makes sense that we didn’t but I hope that this is not the last time we see Essek... I want to write another emo post about him and about how much he means to me but I will refrain

- CALEB BEING A TEACHER IS THE ENDGAME I WANT FOR HIM PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

- Wow, I really was not ready to see Caduceus and Essek go for some reason... I really wanted this Campaign to end on the image of the Mighty Nein together as all nine of them... I’m feeling so numb right now having to say goodbye  😭

- Oh, we’re in the epilogue now!

- When Fjord said “[the sea] is my favorite place to be” I genuinely felt that on a spiritual level... the ocean is home, it truly is and always will be for me as well

- “I CAST MODIFY MEMORY” FJORD LMAOOOOOOO

- Okay, that Widobrave ending is what made me shed tears for the first time this episode... not to be Personal but my biological brother graduates High School tomorrow, and for some reason this conversation just reminded me so much of me and him and now I’m emotional

- NOT THE SYPHILIS BANDITS DSYUHDFJKLSFJ;DS OKAY I NEEDED THAT LAUGH

- “I’d like to hear about your friend” Kingsley aww

- Beau giving Kingsley her first diary to help him realize who they all are is actually so perfectly fitting, I love that!

- “The other eight and I, yes” Caleb counting all nine of them again  😭

- CALEB BEING OFFERED AN ASSEMBLY SEAT WTF AAAHHH

- Oh shit, Astrid took the Assembly seat... I’m not sure how I feel about this, I feel so bad for her for having to stay in the system that abused her for so long and I would have loved to see her burn the whole thing down, but I hope that she at least has a sense of contentment with this title

- “I go where you go, baby” Beauyasha.... my darling loves....

- Beau’s dad??? But also Beau being the one with power over her father is so Good, I’m glad that she got justice on that front as well!

- This talk with Artagan... “I didn’t want you to be a god. I wanted you to be my friend.” and in the process my love you created divinity... maybe divinity is the friends we made along the way

- OH SHIT WE ARE GETTING ALL THE VANDRAN LORE TONIGHT I’M READY LET’S GO LET’S GO

- VANDRAN AND AVANTIKA WERE AN ITEM???

- Wait crack theory: Sabian was a half elf right? Could he be the son of Vandren and Avantika? Or is that too much of a stretch? 

- Vandran going with them!!! Also I feel like that moment between Fjord and Vandran was lowkey a tease to a post-campain Uk’otoa one shot and I am ready for it already 

- THIS BEAUYASHA MOMENT... “i’ve never known anyone as deeply as i know you” & “explore every bit of you in multiple ways ;)” & “your past doesn’t scare me, it only makes you beautiful” .... this is so much they are so much i love them so much

- “I will have you and then some” Beauyasha   😭

- I’m torn between “oh my god there’s still half an hour left?” and “how is there only half an hour left??”

- “You will let this Skyspear live at least?” oh my god so Yasha killed the last Skyspear then? Oof...

- YASHA GIVING ZUALA(’S GRAVE) THE BOOK OF FLOWERS, OH DEAR HEART

- And Beau’s talk to Zuala about being the luckiest woman alive and sacrifice.... 😭  

- PLANTING FLOWERS AT ZUALA’S GRAVE... “NO BETTER GRAVE MARKER” THIS IS MAKING ME SO EMOTIONAL, I KNOW I’VE SAID THIS A LOT THIS EPISODE BUT THIS TRULY IS SO BEAUTIFUL

- So... I may or may not be crying again

- Shadowgast with a steel chair??

- Caleb’s plan for saving his parents... it’s clear he has thought of this so much, oh my darling love  😭

- Caleb burning down his chance to change his past is so symbolic and something he really needed to do, it does make me emotional though

- The other book was him writing to his parents?? Oh bby boy  😭  

- While I would have loved for Caleb to open his own magic school (especially with Essek, or the Mighty Nein, or someone else as well), I am so pleased that he stays with Veth and that their friendship continues for the rest of their life because again: they mean so so much to me, and in a way they remind me of me and my biological brother (which I never realized before this episode) and yeah. They just make me Emo

- Also. Caleb being a professor was my Number One Endgame Hope for him and the fact that it came true is just so surreal in the best way possible. I’m so used to being robbed of happy endings. The fact that the Mighty Nein all got theirs makes me incredibly happy. A story does not have to be sad to be impactful. Happy stories and happy endings, especially during a time period of tumultuous real life circumstances, have just as much value and meaning and they always will. Caleb is teaching the next generation magic, and he is teaching them to be Good, and he is nurturing them, and that just means so much

- MATT CRYING IS GONNA GET TO ME

- “Let’s do it again” Please, let’s.

- Okay, everyone. I made it all seven hours in one piece with surprisingly minimal tears (though who knows, this might all sink in tomorrow.) I already wrote my thoughts earlier today about how much the Mighty Nein mean to me and how much this show and these characters have kept me holding on during quarantine and today... I’m still not ready to let them go, but I know that I can always revisit to say hello and to say thank you for changing me. Until then though... I love you all more than you could ever know. And for the last time of Campaign 2... is it Thursday yet?

Good night 💗

[mazojo]

Hiii Maria I'm gonna take you back to the sin bin with another question: so if Noah was real, do you think that you and him would be compatible at all? If yes, why? If no, why not? Feel free to ramble, ya girl is curious

Dont you love it when Kato takes you out of your misery and lightens your existence with an ask of your bby boi Noah Marshall? Because saME

asdfghjhgfd you know I L I V E for your asks Katoooo

That being said lets dissect this asK *cracks knuckles and fails*

okay so i will start off by saying that throughout my very trashy crushing experience, I've discovered (because this is such a breakthrough to scientists all around the globe) I tend to go for certain types. Either guys who are smart and cocky assholes that are lowkey soft on the inside or troubled emo™ souls who just need a hug but hide it all with an outgoing personality (asdfghj look at me describing guys like I am in some sort of otome //rip my dating life).

Of course, Noah Marshall kiiiiinda falls into the latter category but kinda doesnt.

See, even though my rat boi is emo and needs a hug he isn't really very outgoing nor hides it. He knows life sucks and screams it into the endless void that is existence and that is very sexy of his part.

In my opinion, Noah Marshall need someone like MC, which even though we share some similarities.... overall we don't asdfghjk. MC isn't afraid to voice her opinions, she will fight anyone in her way and in my opinion and personal HC, she is outgoing and friendly, quite a bit the opposite of my boi Noah. He needs that shining presence that lights up the room as she walks in, someone who will laugh at his dark jokes and still be soft and confident, someone stubborn who knows when to hit him in the head when he is being an ass ya know?

I am..... very much not that lmaoooo. When it comes to dating and such I am more like Noah and thats the reason I think we wouldnt work out. My personal take on him when he likes someone (I have this big ass head canon list in my notes on how he acts when he realized he had a crush on MC lolll) is him being awkward and saying lowkey the wrong things but still trying to act Kool™ about it and I feel that asdfgh.

I am extremely shy (or am I? because shy people are a myth and we must stray away from them asdfsdfgh) and when I like someone I will most definitely:

Explode (Asdfghj Maria.exe stopped functioning)

Make terrible jokes that most people wont find funny because I have, a sense of humor resembling one of those bad joke books !

Probably ramble about things and make finger guns and unnecessary peace signs while at it (people who know how to properly speak to human beings excuse my lameness)

not make the first move because I overthink every decision of my existence and I would rather die than text someone because if you've ever interacted with me, you know i am a teeeeerrible texter that adds too much emojis/reaction images/gifs and writes long ass paragraphs instead of adding a proper short response like a functioning person ;w;

This is why, very much like Noah, I need an extroverted or just overall out there personality who is able to break through my shell to be comfortable

(this suddenly turned into an exposing myself essay im sorry asdfgh).

I dont think we would be very compatible because we would both be a mess and fail at holding a romantic conversation asdfgh I do think we would make good fiends tho! he looks like he is into dope music and I like to think I am a good listener and help him out through his problems (and provide hugs, he needs them :(((.

Although I do say that physically he is very much my type because bois who have long messy hair and wear beanies are a big y E S but I dont really look into that asdfgh just stating some points

AnywaYS to conclude this very important™ post about my bby boi Noah, I don't think we would really be compatible to be honest. We are way too terrible at the whole dating shenanigans and we would both end up combusting in our mutual pinning lmaoooo. 

bUT can I still give him a hug?? he needs one :(

[too-young-to-be-too-old]

6/21

I nearly forgot that it is supposed to be my birthday on Friday. How can something that I used to spend months getting excited about suddenly turn insignificant? Is my perception of myself and what I care about turning insignificant? I can feel my thoughts slipping away as I try to just survive into the next day, sweating through my layers of PPE and the insults that are thrown at me like tomatoes thrown at a lackluster improv show. Maybe I'll reclaim what is inside my head.

If I can figure out what that is...

------------

I'm being emo. I know. I don't care. I am speaking into a void that exists within a hellscape.

Earlier today I had a thought. I think I already know the answer, but it is still interesting to ponder. What's the connection between suicidal ideation and nihilism? Because I certainly feel like I'm walking that line like a tightrope above a pool that hasn't been cleaned in too long and there's something lurking in its water that's just out of sight.

I feel like a burden to everyone around me, but I also feel like I am wearing a mask of someone who is okay but that mask has been fused to my face for so long that it feels like I am suffocating in my own skin. I don't know. Putting these feelings to words helps, though. It lets me at least begin to understand how I feel so that maybe one day I can fix it. I can't remember when I didn't feel like this, though.

I've been waiting my whole life to get to this point where I have finished my education and started living my adult life, but all I feel now is a sense of dread and longing for a past that I never had. I was so focused on growing up and being mature when I was young, telling myself that older me would thank younger me for it, but now all I feel is a sense of loss for the childlike wonder of the world that I never had. I wish I could go back in time, sit younger me down, tell them a few key sentences and hold them while they processed them:

"You are worthy of love even if no one shows it to you. The love you deserve just needs a different environment."

"Your worth is not tied to how productive you can be, how out of the way you are, how grown-up you act, or how many other people's problems you're balancing on top of your own."

"You need to find what you love now before it's too late. Make that your ambition."

Maybe if someone had told me these things then I wouldn't vent to a piece of metal on my lap...

[arisefairsun]

ok I seriously love romeo. when I read this in freshman year everyone hated him bc he was so sensitive and emotional but that was what I loved about him. even though I'm a girl I relate to him so much bc of that and he thinks with his heart far more than he does with his brain. I love how he is so different from the other boys in verona bc he doesn't want to fight, and I love his contrast w juliet. it's like they're fire and water or the sun and the moon like I just love his character so much

THANK YOU. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one in the world who loves Romeo’s personality. Let me just ramble about him because I absolutely love this boy.

He lives in such a dark, abusive, coercive society, doesn’t he? A society that does not allow its citizens to achieve freedom—a society that despotically forces the men into violence, war, bravado, machismo, and this empty, meaningless concept of a dehumanized man that should have no feelings, no fears, because otherwise he is unmanly and shameful. It is a society that does not accept those men that do not behave as such. Look at the deification of machismo in the opening dialogue between Sampson and Gregory. Look at Mercutio’s constant mocking of Romeo for choosing to be a lover and a poet rather than a fighter:

Alas poor Romeo! he is already dead; stabbed with awhite wench’s black eye; shot through the ear with a love-song; the very pin of his heart cleft with the blind bow-boy’s butt-shaft: and is he a man to encounter Tybalt?

Look at the way the Nurse urges him to ‘man up’: ‘Stand up, stand up; stand, an you be a man’. Even Friar Lawrence shows his contempt for his unmanly attitude:

Art thou a man? thy form cries out thou art.Thy tears are womanish; thy wild acts denoteThe unreasonable fury of a beast.Unseemly woman in a seeming man!O ill-beseeming beast in seeming both!

Romeo, as Montague’s heir, is expected to perpetuate these senseless masculine ideals. Benvolio is certain that Romeo will fight Tybalt (‘Romeo will answer it’), and so does Mercutio (‘Marry, go before to field, he’ll be your follower’). He does not, cannot comprehend why Romeo didn’t accept Tybalt’s challenge, why he stated that he loved the Capuet surname ‘as dearly as mine own’, why he literally said he loved Tybalt (‘O calm, dishonorable, vile submission’). To Mercutio, Romeo is only truly Romeo when he is jesting in his male circle: ‘Is not this better now than groaning for love? Now art thou sociable; now art thou Romeo. Now art thou what thou art by art as well as by nature’. (Little does he know that the reason Romeo is in such a good mood in this scene is that he spent the previous night talking to Capulet’s daughter about the insignificance of names and social labels.)

This is brutal. This is terrible. This is the abusive impact that patriarchy and toxic masculinity and social oppression have on a boy who just wants to go on talking about blushing pilgrims and love’s light wings. Unlike the other boys in Verona, Romeo does not care about his social identity. He simply chooses to ignore it. Think of his reaction to the fight in the first scene: ‘O me! What fray was here? / Yet tell me not, for I’ve heard it all.’ There is weariness in his words. He is tired of the feud. He immediately starts rambling about love instead: ‘Here’s much to do with hate, but more with love. / Why then, O brawling love, O loving hate…’ But it’s not as simple; he just cannot forget about it so easily. In act III, his identity as Montague’s heir brings him so much anxiety and distress that he attempts to take his own life, hoping that this will allow him to extirpate his own name from himself:

O, tell me, friar, tell me,In what vile part of this anatomyDoth my name lodge? tell me, that I may sackThe hateful mansion.Drawing his sword.

These lines are heartbreaking. He is so tired. He is ‘world-wearied flesh’. I don’t think it’s fair to dismiss his emotions and say that he’s just an idiot going through an emo phase. No. Romeo is desperate. Romeo needs affection to survive, and I don’t think that’s a joke if we take into account the brutality of his society. He needs to believe that there is something that’s more powerful than hate in life.

For instance, I can never get enough of the juxtaposition in the first scene. The chaos of the fight, the phallic violence, the toxic pride of Sampson and Gregory—all of this contrasts beautifully with Romeo’s first entrance. From the moment Lady Montague asks, ‘O where is Romeo?’, the characters shift toward a more lyrical, dreamlike speech. They mention Aurora’s bed, the worshipped sun, an artificial night, etc. The force of poetry accompanies Romeo’s character even before he comes on the stage. The language of the scene invites us to conceive Romeo as a different boy, one that isolates himself, one that cries under sycamores, ‘with tears augmenting the fresh morning dew, / Adding to clouds more clouds with his deep sighs’, while the other men shed blood over a thumb-biting gesture. Romeo is lyrical, he is poetry itself, an ardent defensor of the power of dreaming. And yet, in the first act, his poetry is poor and his understanding of love limited, stereotyped, void. It’s artificial and forced. As Friar Lawrence remarks, ‘thy love did read by rote, that could not spell’. Romeo’s 'love’ for Rosaline exposes again the banality of his society. 

It’s not until he meets Juliet that he transcends the limited customs of his society and begins to explore his real self. With Juliet he finds a new kind of love, one that’s personal, real, daring, full of meaning. During his first conversation with Juliet, they both triumph at composing a perfect Shakespearean sonnet together. The poetry is finally mutual, real, alive. From that moment on, though, they will generally speak in blank verse together; Romeo finds a new voice, a different sort of dream, in Juliet’s company. He changes his nonsense, excessively elaborated speech for a much more honest, spontaneous language. He can do so much better than his society—he can be a far better poet than he thinks. Juliet, who shows a greater command of her language, demonstrates this to him.

Something I love about him is that even if he is the romantic lead of the story, he is far from being the perfect prince: he is a helpless, scared child. Juliet is certainly more determined than him, far more careful and resourceful. When she is threatened by her father to marry a man she dislikes, she immediately asks the Nurse for help (‘O Nurse! How shall this be prevented?’). When the Nurse betrays her, she immediately turns to the friar (‘I’ll to the friar to know his remedy’). After Romeo’s banishment, on the contrary, he just lies on the floor 'with his own tears made drunk’, refuses to listen to the friar’s advices, and even attempts to kill himself. But I don’t think we should despise Romeo for this; Romeo needs help and protection and that is not a joke. Romeo goes through a lot of anxiety because he is forced to become someone he doesn’t want to be and that’s just not his fault.

Even if both of them are very protective of each other, it is Juliet who most mentions her need to protect 'my Romeo’. Despite all her fears, this is what finally makes her drink the friar’s potion:

O look! Methinks I see my cousin’s ghost,Seeking out Romeo that did spit his bodyUpon a rapier’s point: Stay, Tybalt, stay!Romeo, I come. This do I drink to thee.

Juliet fears that Tybalt, one of the major exponents of toxic masculinity in the play, will destroy her Romeo if she doesn’t defend him. It is as if there were two Romeos: his imposed identity as Romeo Montague, based on honor and violence; and then the identity he chose himself as her Romeo, based on love and tenderness. He attempts to break the patriarchal norms by rejecting his household in the balcony scene ('Had I [my name] written, I would tear the word’); however, he doesn’t ask the same from her. Ultimately, his death in Capulet’s vault destroys his obedience to the feud (and he uses poison, often attributed to women and weakness, as opposed to Juliet’s dagger).

Juliet revitalizes him in every possible way. She introduces him to a brighter, kinder world. Picking up again the saint/pilgrim motif, he asks her to 'call me but love and I’ll be new baptized’. He finally finds someone who doesn’t believe in the coercive customs of their society—someone who fearlessly states that he would still be as valuable even if he were not a Montague. While their households continue to fight over the importance of names and honor, Juliet is so skeptical that she even wonders, 'What’s Montague? It is nor hand, nor foot, / Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part / Belonging to a man.’ She’ll fight anyone over her Romeo. She is ready to do anything in order to take care of him (more on this here). And Romeo himself rejoices in her protectiveness. He knows she’s stronger than all the swords in Verona ('Look thou but sweet and I am proof against their enemy’). To him, she is a light forcing her way through the physical restrictions of their world, freely expanding her light across the whole sky and shaming 'those stars / As daylight doth a lamp’. She is his sun. There is so much life in her that he believes she could revive him with her kisses as if he were a Disney princess (‘… And breathed such life with kisses in my lips / That I revived and was an emperor’). He is in love with her mind, with her light, and not only with her body (FIGHT ME): 'How is’t, my soul? Let’s talk, it is not day.’

In short, Juliet builds a new identity for him, one that’s free from Verona’s rules and the feud, one that’s tender and blissful and full of light, as they always say. This brings him hope—Juliet’s brave, restless energy turns his dreams into reality. Look at his intrepid words:

With love’s light wings did I o'er-perch these walls,For stony limits cannot hold love out, And what love can do, that dares love attempt.Therefore thy kinsmen are no stop to me.

Love is his strength. Romeo’s courage is of a different kind than that of the other men. It is not based on violence and rage—he dislikes those. Romeo’s bravery lies in his tears, his softness, his emotions, his dreams. His inability to live without Juliet denotes his inability to live without freedom, subjugated to the toxicity of the feud and masculinity. In the balcony scene he tells Juliet 'I would I were thy bird’; he tells her he wishes to say there 'forgetting any other home but this’. And indeed, he chooses Juliet’s breast as his final resting place. Productions don’t generally make him die on her breast, but that’s what Friar Lawrence describes: 'Thy husband in thy bosom there lies dead.’ It tragically echoes his words in the balcony scene: 'Sleep dwell upon thine eyes, peace in thy breast, / Would I were sleep and peace so sweet to rest!’

They are a team. They love, help, save, trust each other. The intimacy they achieve by the end of act III is remarkable. Look at the Nurse’s words when she finds Romeo crying in the friar’s cell:

O, he is even in my mistress’ case,Just in her case! O woeful sympathy!Piteous predicament! Even so lies she,Blubbering and weeping, weeping and blubbering.

He shows as much despair as her. They are not the typical straight couple—a perfectly disciplined man, an oversensitive woman—Romeo and Juliet share their pain. For instance, I’m in love with this passage from the farewell scene:

JULIETO god! I have an ill-divining soul!Methinks I see thee there, thou art so low,As one dead in the bottom of a tomb.Either my eyesight fails or thou lookst pale.ROMEOAnd trust me, love, in my eye so do you.Dry sorrow drinks our love. Adieu, adieu!

This could be paraphrased as ‘I’m scared.’ ‘I’m scared, too.’ This is beautiful and not so easy to find in literature. This is a man who doesn’t pretend he is too strong to show weakness. Romeo imagines his blood being sucked by sorrow, and he doesn’t mind telling Juliet. Indeed, he always stands up for his own emotions and his right to feel. I’ve always been in love with his response to the friar’s words in 3.3:

Thou canst not speak of that thou dost not feel:Wert thou as young as I, Juliet thy love,An hour but married, Tybalt murdered,Doting like me and like me banished,Then mightst thou speak, then mightst thou tear thy hair,And fall upon the ground, as I do now,Taking the measure of an unmade grave.

Romeo is unable to cope; he is weak, sensitive, and spends too much time dreaming. He is the kind of person who needs people by his side. He simply needs affection and that’s precisely what his society prohibits him from having. But instead of mocking him for this, I believe it would be fairer to judge those that instill such anxiety and despair in this poor child who just wants to spend his life poetizing the power of love but who is tragically forced to kill and hate. He is such an idealistic young boy, isn’t he?—completely governed by his dreams, madly in love with his own fantasies. I can never get enough of this funny exchange between Mercutio and Romeo:

ROMEOI dreamt a dream tonight.MERCUTIOAnd so did I.ROMEOWell, what was yours?MERCUTIOThat dreamers often lie.ROMEOIn bed asleep while they do dream things true.

This is not only a man showing his emotions and clinging to his dreams, this is a man who was raised to promote toxic masculinity, rage, and violence, and who does what he can to distance himself from that. We should never forget that. Let’s not decontextualize Romeo and Juliet’s actions from the feud. They are not ‘normal’ kids living in a ‘normal’ world. I think that’s people’s problem with this play—they forget the patriarchal, abusive society Romeo and Juliet were raised in. Two idiots getting themselves killed? That’s dumb indeed. But that’s not what happens in Romeo and Juliet. Romeo and Juliet cling to each other because they accept each other for what they truly are. It’s the fact that they are left alone, that nobody else is willing to accept them, that their society feeds itself with blood and hate and prejudice—this is what kills Romeo and Juliet. To me, it’s the story of two young people who rebel against all the chaos they are to inherit from their parents. And Romeo’s rebellion lies in his emotions. This is the 21st century, for God’s sake. Are we going to mock a boy who is just too tired of all the unhealthy ideals being forced on him? Romeo is quite a unique character—how many men living in a society that encourages them to show off their masculinity would refuse to perpetuate it? Let Romeo cry. Let him fall on the ground in tears. Let him sigh and talk about how his 'heartsick groans, mist-like,’ will 'infold me from the search of eyes’. The fact that he is vulnerable is proof that he doesn’t want to be dehumanized by social constructs. It’s the bravest, most revolutionary thing he could have done in his world. The problem is not Romeo, but Romeo’s society.