#it makes me Emo knowing that i'm not just speaking to the void and that there are ppl out there listening etc

[rayshippouuchiha]

Dearest Fox Void, I am glad you have returned.

I need to tell you about my transfem!Ed Elric idea.

Mostly, it's that Ed has never thought about her gender, but as soon as anyone brings up she may be a girl her response is to think about it for a bit, then go "Oh! No wait that makes sense." And proceed to go all in about it.

Specifically, I'm thinking about Ed being on the run with Greed and the others and needing a disguise. What better disguise when the country is on the lookout for a short loud blond boy alchemist than a fairly normal height blond girl? Ed transmutes his coat into a dress, keeps his hair down, adds a bit more heel to his boots and speaks quietly or not at all and Boom! that's just a shy girl.

After a little bit of doing this, with Ed seemingly not having any issues with the act, Greed tries to poke at Ed a little bit.

Greed: So, you seem to be playing a girl so well, what if you actually are one? (Expecting Ed to blow up about being a man and not into girly things, etc.)

Ed: [shrugs] It's not like it's a big deal, cross-dressing is fun, everyone enjoys it a little bit.

The Chimeras: ... no, no they don't.

Ed: ... What?

Darius: Honestly, kid, i'm not sure how you do it all the time. I think if I tried it I would feel uncomfortable even if I *could* pull it off.

Heinkel: Yeah, and you seem to... enjoy being seen as a girl more than as a boy.

Ed: ...

Greed is now expecting panic and loud, fervent denials, but Ed remains quiet. It's, like, half an hour before he comes back and is like, "no, yeah, turns out I'm actually a girl. Huh."

Greed: What??? Just like that??? No angst or anything???

Ed: [shrugs] it's not like it's anything bad. I just never thought about it.

Heinkel: [deciding that he's gonna roll with it to screw with Greed] so, are you gonna change your name? Edward is pretty masculine.

Ed: [oblivious to Heinkel's game and Greedlings internal screaming] Well, I want to keep being Ed, but I never really liked Edward much anyway. Maybe Eden?

Darius: [picked up on Heinkel's wavelength] sounds good to me.

So, yeah, now Ed is going by Eden and she/her pronouns. Every time Ed meets up with someone who really knows her (Al. Winry, Pinako, Izumi and Sig) and tells them, the general reaction is "no, yeah, that tracks" and Greedling is so *so* frustrated at the nonchalance. (Hohenheim is surprised, but his general demeanor makes him incapable of expressing it to the degree Greed wants.)

After the final battle, Ling leaves Ed with a cute outfit (think that one emo anime-girl pic that was everywhere. Or any hot-topic teenage girl. The red plaid miniskirt with the chains is required) and Ed loves it, and hates that she loves it, and is mildly weirded out by the fact that it is tailored to her. But, the important thing is that she wears it to Team Mustangs room to quit the military, which is how she comes out to all of them.

See I read this and all I can think is "where's the fic, anon?" because yes please and thank you????

[monscrow]

intro post, i guess!!!

last updated 30/nov/2024

⚠️flash warning for blinkies at the bottom⚠️

free gaza, free palestine, stop genocide. you don't agree? block me.

i go by both mons and crow.

my pronouns are they/them, he/him and any neos/xenos that you think would fit either comedically or off of vibes.

lvl 16, so, a minor !! beware

aromantic, graysexual, something like that; qprs are sick asf and all hail relationship anarchy.

art sideblog is @monscrowarts

super amazing pretty boyfriend !!!<3 🍎

audhdcd (asd + adhd + ocd 😻😋) and hEDS. i use tonetags, feel free to ask for clarification!!!

bday is oct 7. 🎉🎉🎉

i'm mexican 🇲🇽!! i speak both spanish and english.

timezone is cst/utc-6.

i say slurs i can reclaim (mainly the f and t queer ones) and swear a lot, though if that makes you uncomfortable please either block me or lmk so i can try to tone it down when around you.

i love interacting!! feel free to tag me in stuff, send some asks (be it on anon or not), or message me! moots can ask for my discord even if we've never actually talked before. though i suck at keeping consistent, nothing personal i promise</3 /gen

i tend to spam-reblog so do with that information what you will.

some tags you might see me use here and there:

#mons rambles ← just my thoughts, ideas, opinions, and whatever i feel like throwing into the tumblr void.

#ask a crow / #anon asks ← askbox replies.

#save / #art save / #fav / #hellsite faves ← these are more for myself, but yeah they're pretty self-descriptive. just in case you get curious or anything.

#🍎 ← beloved.

hyperfixations/interests/things i'm passionate about !!! i guess, kinda

→ mcr (+ most of the members' solo projects)

→ killjoys (california + national anthem, but mainly calif and fanon)

→ demolition lovers lore (i have literally written like at least three different essays about it for school help me i'm so serious)

→ emo/alt/diy culture

→ will wood

→ bandom in general

→ graphic design, arts and crafts, illustration (that's right y'all graphic design IS my passion 😔)

→ fnaf

→ cosplay/costume-making

→ d&d

→ crows (no way, crow, really???)

→ australian shepherds

→ the umbrella academy (s4 isn't canon in my heart + currently reading the comics !!! )

→ gravity falls

→ neurodivergencies/psychology/disabilities (this one's pretty meta ngl)

→ lgbtqia+ identities (emphasis on the aroace-spec ones + relationship anarchy)

→ politics/activism

→ linguistics + conlangs

→ fantasy in general (high fantasy, magic, vampires, tieflings, you name it)

→ boardgames

→ the count of monte cristo (2024) (also i just bought the book so i'll be reading that too !!)

→ parkour civilization

→ WEBFISHING !!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE LET'S PLAY WEBFISHING OMG FEEL FREE TO DM ME IF U HAVE IT AND WANNA PLAY TOGETHER :333

→ uhhhh there's more but i don't remember rn, i'll keep adding as i see fit (probably... maybe..... perhaps....... quizás........ puede ser..........)

dni

trump supporters, terfs, transphobes, anti lgbtqia+/queerphobics, exclusionists, ableists, racists, prolifers/antichoicers, proshippers/anti-antis, irl gore, pro-israel/zionists, pro-ai generated "content", pro-nft, non-critical media consumers, classists, ed blogs, sh blogs.

also, i'm aware that dnis tend to not be effective and i probably will still get shitty ppl in my inbox so i can and will block. though i'm p chill as long as you're chill. this blog is run by a very neurodivergent, mentally ill, mexican, transmasc, aroace faggot, and any kind of bigoted hatred will not be tolerated.

blinkies made with blinkies cafe !!!

pssst btw, before you go, if you read my intro post i'd heavily encourage you to like it, so i can know!!! :] (/nf though!)

[redstringraven]

ahh hi, i just wanted to drop by and say that while i’ve absolutely LOVED your enneagram series, your mikey installment just completely blew me away. he’s my favoritest boy in the world so i love love love seeing me some good analysis.

this isn’t to say that i think overall tmnt 03 fandom handles mikey poorly—absolutely not, i’m actually consistently impressed with how much love and appreciation he gets! but i feel like a lot of interpretations of him tend to sand his edges down a little? one of the reasons he’s my favorite 03 boy is because… well, he’s kind of a mean guy sometimes! i really really loved seeing your examination of where those seemingly out-of-pocket quips come from. and while we all love those moments of thoughtful empathy from him, like with his oft-quoted insight during leo’s emo arc, i am so happy to see you acknowledge this scene as something that can COEXIST with his fear of vulnerability and self reflection, not something that DISPROVES it. does that make any sense??? i don’t know i’m just SO happy to see a properly nuanced take on 03 mikey since he’s imo the most deceptively opaque of his counterparts in other iterations.

anyways yeah i just wanted to say i found your analysis really uniquely insightful and i will definitely be keeping some of your commentary in mind as i continue my rewatch of 03 :) (also did u HAVE to call me out so hard in the section on gluttony and needing to fill the void with more stuff to consume because um. ow. /lighthearted.)

;-; fjkjkd THANK YOU so much!! i'm so glad i could provide, and especially that i was able to do the mikester justice. he's a goofy guy, sweet boy, got a lot going on in that noggin' of his.

i think you hit the nail on the head, there; mikey's just as 'capable of being mean' as his brothers are. like, don having to remind him that they're just as much 'monsters' as the folks from the underground are. mikey's definitely freaked out in these episodes, so he might be walking the line of 'average' and stress-1, but i think it's fair to say this is some of that judgement, black/white thinking and pessimism rearing its head. and this is despite after he says they shouldn't trust the undergrounders, raph asks "why?". raph's got a good track record of detecting sus behavior, yet he's pretty calm right now...should be a signal that things are fine, but mikey's not receptive of it (speaking of, he's the only one out of the three who doesn't have any dialogue throughout the scene where the y'lyntian is monologuing up until he shuts down the guy's """offer""" for them to live in the underground city; i'm going to be self-indulgent and say his 8 was doing ye ol' sussing out power and intent here).

BUT YEAH NO, i agree and think that the insight scene in samurai tourist is a great example of "both can be true". more than one thing or feeling can be happening at once, you very much make sense and i shake your hand. u-u!!!

and fHLFDSKGHLSD i apologize for the call out >xDD the enneagram can and will do that as you begin homing in on your type. i've had several instances while reading up on my own where i just caught myself staring at a wall like

thank you so much for the wonderful words and the ask!! ;w; i'm so happy you liked it and that i did good by our friendly neighborhood battle nexus champion. have a wonderful day, duder! ✌🖤🌷

[thespectrespecss]

MAYBE WE GOT LOST IN TRANSLATION

Yet another Taylor Swift-titled blog. Dear self, if you're reading this sometime in the future, today, you discovered and accepted that everything isn't always what it seems, and anything is possible in prayer. But you realize more that everything isn't what it seems. Clarity is kindness. So, even with your own actions, it pays to be careful. *sigh*

Anyway, hi. After my well-intended sapilitang rest, I couldn't find the time to blog to accomplish backlogs for ministry. But I have recently been having good devotion times, especially following John Bevere's Wilderness Lesson Series. I really am getting a good revelation on the wilderness season with this series. It gives me more reason to be grateful for the things I have, where I am, and the people I'm with now. It's not a feel-good series, though. I feel so convicted, seen, exposed, and called out... God has a way of speaking the right words to you at the right time and season. It's up to you how you'll receive it. In my case, I'm at a "stubborn-kid-covering-her-ears" phase. Hehe. Not something I'm proud of. There's just this irrational fear of having to go through what I have to go through. Suntukan with Holy Spirit. But I know I'm kept steady by my loving Heavenly Father. Makulit lang si anteh. Just really praying for more strength to overcome. So much of what's in front of me is in a blur to almost zero visibility. It's like stepping into a void where you don't know where you're going or what's going to happen; am I going to get lost in an endless void? Am I going to be entering a parallel universe where we all get to live perfectly holy? Am I going to suddenly enter hell? Will I be seeing aliens? Endless questions, but God reveals in parts... and so I have no idea but I have impressions here and there. What are we doing now, God? How are we going to do this? Are we coming in slowly, carefully, gently? Or are we plunging in with a big splash? My mind is a mess right now. Still, I put my trust in the one who has already gone before me. Someone who has already seen what is ahead will guide me and be with me, lighting my path.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. - Psalm 23:4

I am thankful to be in this kind of intimacy with the one who knows me best. Grabe, God! Mahal mo 'ko?

*Sigh* So how about I recap some stuff that happened the past few days to put them here for memoriezzzz.

After my rest, I joined the painting day to prepare for our upcoming kids conference. I am proud to say I drew the things on these boards, plus 3 more boards with faces with different emotions. Almost forgot how happy coloring things make me. Also, I never knew I could do big art! This was a first, and it filled me up so much! Happy I got to do something I love for the ministry I love.

Discovered a new cafe. It's so perfect for co-working. Also got cool music played at just the right time. They usually blast Taylor Swift, perfect for my emo afternoons while working. Sometimes, they'll play my guilty pleasure opm (adie, arthur nery, etc). They also have very friendly crew. Coffee is an 8/10 for me-- nothing special but it doesn't taste bad. I also like their iced teas-- perfect for when I can't drink coffee after 3PM (hack to sleeping early). Hoping fewer people go here haha. Really enjoy just having my peace, quiet, and coffee here.

Started Saturday by people-watching as I waited for my friend to walk into the Prophetic Masterclass we're having in the church near this area. A little stoked with how the day will turn out but also a little nervous with what God is about to reveal. Agck. See next pic for a glimpse of the revelation...

Yep. Got this tattooed on my wrist in March and got prayed for Fear to be out of my body and out of my system during the sessions. I really felt as if good physically pulled something out of me. It was momentous and I always get in awe of God's peace and comfort when he just makes me tangibly feel all these.

Got a little distracted in the class because of this lady's cute earrings. I mean, LOOK AT IT!!! ORANGES!!!!! I love it so much. It's obviously handcrafted so it makes me love it more.

I really had a good week this week. I'm about to do some egress/ingress for some stuff to be transported from one mall to another for tomorrow's service... But I am so grateful for rest. Even when they had to threaten me to do it. I feel bad not being able to help but knew I needed the rest.

Thank God for always sustaining me even when I can't stand out of exhaustion. He's the best and I wouldn't ask for anything else. I just love being in his presence.

Loved this week, really. Thanking God for Rest. <3 --- Here's a selfie to cap this

[cadaceus]

C2E141

One last time, y’all. This campaign and these characters have meant so much to me, and this seven hour finale was definitely an emotional rollercoaster. (Yes, I shed actual tears at one point, which rarely happens to me with media. But this is a special occasion.) These liveblogs are nearly as long as the episode itself, so grab a snack! With that being said, here are my very last liveblogs for Campaign 2 of Critical Role. As always, major spoilers below, so beware. 

- Veth taking a level in Wizard, god I am really gonna cry ten minutes into this thing...  😭

- We got our first “stay with us” to Essek, I am emo...

- I was fully not expecting to say goodbye to Frumpkin, but now I’m on the verge of tears... farewell dear fey friend (Marisha saying “that wasn’t supposed to be what broke me” me too me too)

- “You’re a good person.” “I could be.” “You are.”

- “I think you’re a good person” I never thought that I’d hear Beau say that about Essek and this genuinely might be what breaks me... she thinks he’s a good person.... redemption is possible.... maybe love is real....

- If I end up crying over wizards, look away

- Jester lifting up Fjord’s arm to snuggle beneath it made me say “awww” out loud  🥺

- VETH GOING FOR A DIP IN THE POND, I AM GENUINELY SO PROUD OF HER

- “Aahhh!! It’s me! Your wife!” I am going to miss Jester’s sending so much

- Okay that accent bit was so funny, I am going to miss all of them so much

- REAL MOLLY IS BACK REAL MOLLY IS BACK REAL MOLLY IS BACK

- Oh but he doesn’t remember them... and Yasha is trying so hard to help him remember, it’s so so sweet 

- Something about the way he said “Tealeaf’s nice” made me tear up... I was neutral on Mollymauk early campaign because I went into things knowing that he passed away, but this whole conversation with the Mighty Nein is So Much. Also “Kingsley Tealeaf” 

- “Everyone should have a brother” as someone with three of them, I vouch for this  🥺

- a) I love Marion Lavorre (and Jester ofc!) so very much and b) I can’t believe that Jester’s parent trap actually worked??

- “I do not think Exandria is ready for how you’re going to change it” got to me... and it’s also so true. jester has already changed the world just by being kind.

- Good bye Marion... I love and will miss you so much! (And many thanks to Laura and Matt for creating an agoraphic single mother who raised a wonderful child <3)

- Beau and Jester teasing Marion for having a complicated relationship with Babenon reminds me of Caleb saying he has a complicated relationship with Essek...

- LEAVE CALEB ALON E FUOIKJLKGKNL 

- THIS IS ....... SO MUCH WORSE THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.

- Caleb’s biggest trauma(s) coming back to haunt him, I am genuinely going to cry I’m not ready for this I’m not okay

- Beau saying to Jester “Thanks, cutie” I love themmmmm

- INITIATIVE AAGJASKHDKJ AAAAAHHHH

- Essek’s Gravity Sinkhole did nothing? uhhhhh Mr Stark...

- EADWULF???? HELLO?????

- Essek using his entire turn to save Caleb last battle 🤝 Caleb using his entire turn to save Essek this battle

- ASTRID???? I TRUSTED YOU??? WE ALL TRUSTED YOU????

- Another Counterspell chain sdfdghjkdl wizards !!!

- “It’s just business” is literally the Neutral Evil line, it always gives me chills when any character says it

- This hurts more after Liam confirming on Twitter that Astrid/Caleb/Eadwulf were all three a romantic item... please stop hurting Caleb, you loved him  😭

- THE FJORD VS EADWULF SWORD FIGHT IS SO CINEMATIC I LOVE IT HERE ACTUALLY

- Essek taking every opportunity to pull Caleb to safety makes me so emotional...  😭

- “You’re not the first student I’ve had to put down” I am burning with my anger for you, old man 

- THE DISPEL WORKED LET’S GO CALEB.....

- Remember when Matt said that Essek doesn’t openly show concern/emotion? And now he’s saying “I’m scared” in front of his closest friends and his worst enemies.... growth my love.....

- BEAU AND VETH LETS GO CHAOS CREW LETS MF GO BABEYYYY!!!

- FJORD COUNTERSPELLING THE DIMENSION DOOR..... and Matt having him describe it.... is this taking the place of a “HDYWTDT” *eyes emoji*

- CALEB GOING DOWN NO, THANK GOD FOR THAT DEATH WARD

- Veth’s illusion of Caleb’s parents flanking Caleb in the flames.... that got me too, Liam

- “Stay down.” yeah, okay, that was sexy

- ASTRID BEING THE ONE TO ACTIVATE THE COLLAR IS LITERALLY POETIC JUSTICE... Trent being beaten by the student who stuck with him longest I love this so much, she deserved that moment honestly

- Break Time, AKA Emma Makes Her Weekly Mug Brownie Interlude

- Sometimes I feel like “death is too good for you” is a copout, but in this case it fits so well, I want this mf’s reputation destroyed and the entire operation exposed and overthrown let’s goooo

- “I loved you both so much”.... Astrid and Eadwulf walking away.... oh, Blumendrei... I know this is not the end of your story. What’s past is prologue, loves

- The Empire Siblings are gonna burn down the whole system because it’s the system that enables individual corruption... I am so fulfilled by this, god i love them

- “I love you too” OH MY GOD I LOVE THEM SO MUCH, FJORESTER ARE THE CUTEST FOR REAL

- Jester and Essek’s friendship still means so much to me btw just in case anyone wanted a check-in

- Veth giving the flask to Kingsley!! Good for her, good for her!

- OH Blumenduo are back already! I truly thought that was going to be their last appearance of the Campaign, why is this taking me more by surprise than Trent’s appearance

- “[Caleb] notes how similar Eadwulf and Fjord are” this is Widofjord adjacent... this episode we have gotten Widomauk-adjacent, Widojest-adjacent, and Widofjord-adjacent (and Blumentrio ofc), now come through Shadowgast and we can get a full Bingo on the “Bisexual Maelstrom” card

- Speaking of relationships, I am lowkey into the Fjord/Jester/Kingsley dynamic LOL no one look at me I’m in hiding

- I’M NOT READY TO SAY GOODBYE TO VETH AND CAD 😭 It makes sense and the fact that they have their families back is beautiful but also consider this: I’m sad and I will miss them 

- The goodbyes to Caduceus..... I am going to cry aren’t I?

- “If he’s anything like his mom, you won’t see him until it’s too late” Okay that made me giggle, I love Veth and I love Luc and I love their little family

- IS ESSEK LEAVING TOO? THAT’S GONNA BE WHAT BREAKS ME ISN’T IT

- If Essek leaves and we never see him again, getting a triple whammy of goodbyes I will be so incredibly sad, I cannot do this  😭

- If anyone is interested, no I am not doing well

- I was lowkey ready to get an Essek’s feelings for Caleb confirmation tonight, I guess it makes sense that we didn’t but I hope that this is not the last time we see Essek... I want to write another emo post about him and about how much he means to me but I will refrain

- CALEB BEING A TEACHER IS THE ENDGAME I WANT FOR HIM PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

- Wow, I really was not ready to see Caduceus and Essek go for some reason... I really wanted this Campaign to end on the image of the Mighty Nein together as all nine of them... I’m feeling so numb right now having to say goodbye  😭

- Oh, we’re in the epilogue now!

- When Fjord said “[the sea] is my favorite place to be” I genuinely felt that on a spiritual level... the ocean is home, it truly is and always will be for me as well

- “I CAST MODIFY MEMORY” FJORD LMAOOOOOOO

- Okay, that Widobrave ending is what made me shed tears for the first time this episode... not to be Personal but my biological brother graduates High School tomorrow, and for some reason this conversation just reminded me so much of me and him and now I’m emotional

- NOT THE SYPHILIS BANDITS DSYUHDFJKLSFJ;DS OKAY I NEEDED THAT LAUGH

- “I’d like to hear about your friend” Kingsley aww

- Beau giving Kingsley her first diary to help him realize who they all are is actually so perfectly fitting, I love that!

- “The other eight and I, yes” Caleb counting all nine of them again  😭

- CALEB BEING OFFERED AN ASSEMBLY SEAT WTF AAAHHH

- Oh shit, Astrid took the Assembly seat... I’m not sure how I feel about this, I feel so bad for her for having to stay in the system that abused her for so long and I would have loved to see her burn the whole thing down, but I hope that she at least has a sense of contentment with this title

- “I go where you go, baby” Beauyasha.... my darling loves....

- Beau’s dad??? But also Beau being the one with power over her father is so Good, I’m glad that she got justice on that front as well!

- This talk with Artagan... “I didn’t want you to be a god. I wanted you to be my friend.” and in the process my love you created divinity... maybe divinity is the friends we made along the way

- OH SHIT WE ARE GETTING ALL THE VANDRAN LORE TONIGHT I’M READY LET’S GO LET’S GO

- VANDRAN AND AVANTIKA WERE AN ITEM???

- Wait crack theory: Sabian was a half elf right? Could he be the son of Vandren and Avantika? Or is that too much of a stretch? 

- Vandran going with them!!! Also I feel like that moment between Fjord and Vandran was lowkey a tease to a post-campain Uk’otoa one shot and I am ready for it already 

- THIS BEAUYASHA MOMENT... “i’ve never known anyone as deeply as i know you” & “explore every bit of you in multiple ways ;)” & “your past doesn’t scare me, it only makes you beautiful” .... this is so much they are so much i love them so much

- “I will have you and then some” Beauyasha   😭

- I’m torn between “oh my god there’s still half an hour left?” and “how is there only half an hour left??”

- “You will let this Skyspear live at least?” oh my god so Yasha killed the last Skyspear then? Oof...

- YASHA GIVING ZUALA(’S GRAVE) THE BOOK OF FLOWERS, OH DEAR HEART

- And Beau’s talk to Zuala about being the luckiest woman alive and sacrifice.... 😭  

- PLANTING FLOWERS AT ZUALA’S GRAVE... “NO BETTER GRAVE MARKER” THIS IS MAKING ME SO EMOTIONAL, I KNOW I’VE SAID THIS A LOT THIS EPISODE BUT THIS TRULY IS SO BEAUTIFUL

- So... I may or may not be crying again

- Shadowgast with a steel chair??

- Caleb’s plan for saving his parents... it’s clear he has thought of this so much, oh my darling love  😭

- Caleb burning down his chance to change his past is so symbolic and something he really needed to do, it does make me emotional though

- The other book was him writing to his parents?? Oh bby boy  😭  

- While I would have loved for Caleb to open his own magic school (especially with Essek, or the Mighty Nein, or someone else as well), I am so pleased that he stays with Veth and that their friendship continues for the rest of their life because again: they mean so so much to me, and in a way they remind me of me and my biological brother (which I never realized before this episode) and yeah. They just make me Emo

- Also. Caleb being a professor was my Number One Endgame Hope for him and the fact that it came true is just so surreal in the best way possible. I’m so used to being robbed of happy endings. The fact that the Mighty Nein all got theirs makes me incredibly happy. A story does not have to be sad to be impactful. Happy stories and happy endings, especially during a time period of tumultuous real life circumstances, have just as much value and meaning and they always will. Caleb is teaching the next generation magic, and he is teaching them to be Good, and he is nurturing them, and that just means so much

- MATT CRYING IS GONNA GET TO ME

- “Let’s do it again” Please, let’s.

- Okay, everyone. I made it all seven hours in one piece with surprisingly minimal tears (though who knows, this might all sink in tomorrow.) I already wrote my thoughts earlier today about how much the Mighty Nein mean to me and how much this show and these characters have kept me holding on during quarantine and today... I’m still not ready to let them go, but I know that I can always revisit to say hello and to say thank you for changing me. Until then though... I love you all more than you could ever know. And for the last time of Campaign 2... is it Thursday yet?

Good night 💗

[sleepless-in-starbucks]

Hewo! I know I was literally just hear but like, I like your inbox soooooooo yeh. ALSO you introduced me to my new obsession *coughAnalosleepcough* and that deserves some recognition or whatever. So uhhhhhhhhhhhhh, meep. quack quack. moo. mooove bitch get out the way. (in a john cena voice) ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT. I'm feeling very memey right now. Send help. Or send me Analosleep fics\headcanons. Whatever works to make sure I don't die. I'm sowwy I have done this (Not really tho)

oh,,,, so you want analosleep do you,,,, :3

a dangerous thing to say to an idle Me, Hewo…. a dangerous thing….

(warnings for sleep deprivation, self-deprecation specifically around feeling things/feeling sad, referenced nightmares + isolation, panic attack, happy ending ofc; tagging @emo-disaster for the fic idea + the fact that it’s their ot3 I’m legally obligated to tag ‘em)

~~

When Logan shot up in bed in the dead of night, his first instinct was to slam a hand over his mouth.

Of course, this seemed to be a poor choice on his part- it was hard to breathe through sobs when you couldn’t pull in the air through your mouth, as sobbing often demanded you do- but in reality, it was the most logical one. It was the only way to muffle his sobs; aka, it was the only way to make sure he didn’t wake up his partners. They were cuddled against him, Virgil simply curling into his side whereas Remy had their arm through over his midsection. Though both were snoring softly, Logan knew that, if he wasn’t very careful, they’d be awake soon enough. Insomnia and poor sleeping habits made both of them into very light sleepers.

Which made the whole ‘not waking them as he fell apart’ thing a little difficult.

Slowly, Logan lifted Remy’s arm off of himself, tucking it against his partner’s side. Remy stirred at the movement, and Logan immediately froze, holding his breath as well as he could until Remy seemed to have settled back down.

He pushed himself up, careful not the creak the mattress too much as he quietly jumped over Remy. He hit the ground quietly enough, the result of having pulled this move off many times for happier reasons- usually to escape Remy trying to keep him in bed all day (and often being immediately caught a moment later by Virgil) or to get out so he could make a surprise breakfast for his partners. Using it in such unpleasant circumstances was grim, but if it worked…

Logan was careful as he crept out of the bedroom, well aware of exactly where the hazards and noisy spots were. He moved towards the dresser first, claiming his glasses before moving towards his escape. The door was tricky- it always squealed halfway through opening. Even opening it as little as possible, it still whined, and Logan winced, quickly turning back towards the bed to see if either of his loves had awakened.

Remy remained on their side, motionless and facing away from him, but Virgil had moved, face scrunched up as he reached out for the warmth that had left when Logan did, but his eyes thankfully still closed. Logan waited in the doorway as he watched Virgil grope about, letting out a small breath of relief when he found Remy’s arm and tugged them closer. With luck, he’d assume that Remy was Logan and fall back asleep, paying no mind to the lack of a third body in their shared bed.

Feeling secure in a successful escape, Logan slipped fully out of the bedroom, padding down the hallway towards the kitchen. He wiped impatiently at the drying tear tracks on his cheeks, happy that, at the very least, his sobbing had sorted itself out.

All he had to do now was get a drink of water, wash his face, take a breath, and go back to bed, pretending like nothing happened. Because that was the truth of the matter- nothing had happened! Nothing at all! It had just been some stupid nightmare- hell, was it even bad enough to be called a nightmare? Logan really didn’t think so.

After all, it had been bland- just him, him in some void of a place, all alone. Which was fine, what did he care, the only thing that even mattered a little was the odd lingering feeling dream-him had, the feeling that earlier he hadn’t been alone, that earlier Virgil and Remy had been there, but they were gone by the time the dream started, gone because they didn’t want to be there, gone because they didn’t want to be with Logan, gone because they had left him because they didn’t want him couldn’t deal with him couldn’t be with someone they didn’t love-

Logan stopped in the doorway to the kitchen, hand coming up to his mouth again as another sob tried to bubble out- this time not to muffle himself (the kitchen was down the hall from the bedroom, he was plenty far, he hoped) so much as to stop the sobbing before it could start up again.

Because it was pointless, really, to be crying over some stupid dream that wasn’t even real, that he knew wasn’t real and therefore didn’t matter to him at all, that didn’t mean anything because it was just. a. dream.

His body, however, wasn’t getting the message, and his attempts to stop his sobs were failing. All he could manage was keeping them quiet, even as he leaned against the kitchen doorway and slid down it, hitting the floor not-so-gently as he continued to remind himself why this all was just stupid.

Stupid, pointless, not even real, just a dream, get over yourself, even if it was real you could deal with it, this is stupid, whiny, emotional, this is-

“Honey?”

Logan froze at the sound of his partner’s voice. Why were they awake? He had been so careful- and they needed their sleep, why would they have come after him-

Remy was already dropping down to crouch next to him. They looked odd like this- hair messy instead of carefully arranged, sunglasses no where in sight, wearing baggy shirt and shorts instead of their fitting jacket and jeans- but they also looked soft, so Logan didn’t mind. At least, they normally looked soft- right now, forehead creased, eyes worried, they looked unhappy, and Logan hated that.

Logan opened his mouth to speak, but a sob came out instead, and even though he slapped his hand over his mouth as soon as it slipped out Remy had still heard it, their eyes only going wider in worry. They reached out, placing their hands on Logan’s shoulders. When he didn’t react, they started moving their hands over his arms, grounding, comforting, familiar.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, shh, you’re okay, I’m here, you’re safe, you’re okay, darling it’s alright, you’re alright.”

“Why are you awake?” Logan managed to ask, this time successfully stifling the sob that tried to slip out instead. There were still tears running down his face, yes, but it was dark- he could probably convince Remy it was just a trick of the light, convince them that Logan was fine, that they could go back to bed and Logan would be there soon enough, completely fine, as if nothing had happened (because, in Logan’s mind, nothing had).

“I woke up when you opened the door.” Remy answered, still running their hands over Logan’s arms soothingly. “Virgil did too. I thought you were just going to get water, but he said you looked upset.”

“I’m fine.”

Remy chuckled, but they sounded pained. “Babes, you’re crying on the kitchen floor at two am in the morning. This isn’t fine.”

“I’ll be fine.” Logan corrected. “You should- you can go back to bed, I’ll be there in a moment.”

“Then I can wait a moment so that we can go back to bed together.” Remy told him, one hand moving from Logan’s arm to cup his cheek, thumb wiping away some of his tears. “I know how you react to these things, love, and I’m not going to leave you alone to repress and ignore your problems away.”

“Go to bed, I’ll be fine.” Logan repeated, turning his head away from Remy and the hand cupping his cheek. He closed his eyes, as if pressing them shut would stop the flow of tears, would make Remy be sleeping again, would put everything back to a few minutes ago when everything- as far as his partners were aware- was fine, would make it so neither of them had to deal with him now, deal with him like this.

And that was the really ugly part of all this, the reason why he couldn’t just shake the thought, shake the stupid nightmare that wasn’t real- because it could be real, so easily, so easy that Logan was surprised it wasn’t real already, because his partners must have made some mistake when they picked him and every day that passed that they didn’t undo it was a miracle to him.

Because they were so- so feeling, Remy so lively and real and carefree, and Virgil may often be stuck in the throes of his anxiety but when he wasn’t he was so alive and bright and happy in his own way it was nearly infectious, and then there was Logan, Logan who had as many feelings as a worm and smushed them all down to the point they barely existed anyways, until all he was was stupid pointless outbursts and annoyance and waking up his partners who needed to sleep and not worry about him or his stupid fake unrealistic problems that came in the form of night time terrors and sobs he just couldn’t silence-

“-gan? Logan, I need you to breathe for me.”

Breathe? Why did he need to breathe? Wasn’t he already breathing? Why was Virgil (and when did Virgil get here?) asking him to breathe when he was already-

Oh.

He wasn’t breathing.

That was why.

He tried to do as Virgil asked, tried to take a breath in (since apparently at some point he had stopped), but it got stuck halfway up his throat, choking him instead. He bent over as he coughed, someone squeezing his hand reassuringly as he did so, Virgil still in front of him. Virgil took Logan’s free hand and pressed it against his chest.

“Breathe.” Virgil repeated, taking a deep breath as he spoke. Logan knew what he was doing- over-exaggerating his breaths so that Logan could follow them. Logan was more than grateful for the gesture.

It took a few minutes of Virgil coaching him through the breathing exercise and Remy- who Logan had finally identified as the one holding his hand- murmuring reassurances before Logan finally got his breathing under control. As soon as he did, Logan ducked his head, refusing to meet Virgil’s focused and earnest yet incredibly worried eyes any longer.

“Hey, Lo, can you look at me?”

Logan ignored Virgil’s polite ask. His boyfriend sighed before softly cupping Logan’s cheek. He didn’t force Logan to look up, however. “Can I see your pretty face, love?”

“Don’t want to.” Logan murmured, shaking his head minutely against Virgil’s palm.

“Alright.” Virgil responded easily, still cupping Logan’s cheek. “Can you tell me what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Logan said. “I’m fine.”

“You already tried that, hun.” Remy pointed out, words accusatory though his tone was only gentle. “And if I didn’t believe you before you had a panic attack, I’d definitely not believe you now.”

“I’ll be fine.” Logan said instead, well aware he was just repeating what he had told Remy earlier, hoping it would work this time. “I’ll be fine, just- you can just go back to bed, I’m sorry I woke you-”

“We’re not going back to bed until we know what’s wrong.” Virgil said, calmly but firmly. His hand remained against Logan’s cheek, thumb now rubbing a circle right beneath his eye. “And something’s pretty clearly wrong.”

“And whatever it is, you can tell us, sweetheart.” Remy added. “We won’t be angry, or upset, or anything. We just want to know what’s hurting you.”

“It’s stupid.” Logan told them bitterly.

Virgil clicked his tongue. “If it’s got you this worked up, it’s not stupid. And even if it were, I’d still want to hear it. We can’t help you til we know why you need help, starshine.”

Logan didn’t respond to that, allowing the conversation to be overtaken by silence. Remy and Virgil seemed to be alright with it, Virgil continuing to rub circles against Logan’s face and Remy continuing to ground him by squeezing his hand, neither of them showing any signs of stopping soon.

“…I had a dream.” Logan finally admitted after a good five minutes had passed, forced to accept that nothing he said would get his partners to simply give up on him (and a horribly illogical part of him spoke up too, saying this meant not escape but comfort, but Logan ignored that part). He cleared his throat. “A nightmare, actually.”

Both his partners made a noise of upset. “What was it about?” Virgil asked.

“Nothing, which is why it’s so stupid.” Logan lamented, angry at himself. “It was just me, sitting around doing nothing.”

“Is that all?” Virgil asked, gently prying, clearly unbelieving that there was nothing more to the nightmare.

“Yes!” Logan said, snapping, not at them but at the general idea of such a thing having brought him so low. “That was all- I was just there, minding my own business, alone, alone because-” Logan cut himself off, ignoring the lump that was starting to reform in his throat.

“Because what?” Remy pushed, quietly.

Logan swallowed. “Because-” He could say this, it wasn’t that hard, just the truth, “because you- you two had- you weren’t actually there I just knew that- that you had- you had left.”

Something that had just barely been fixed broke inside of Logan as he said that, and suddenly he was crying again, which really wasn’t making him feel any less stupid. Now, however, his partners were here, Virgil moving to hold Logan’s face with both his hands, gently wiping away the tears but not minding if he missed some; Remy’s grip moved from his hand to his waist, their arms wrapping around him and holding him comfortingly close.

“Shh, darling, handsome, honey-love, it’s okay, it’s alright.” Remy murmured, laying their forehead against the side of Logan’s head, a warm and real reminder that they were there. “No wonder you were upset, sweetness, I’d be upset too.”

“And it’s not stupid.” Virgil added, taking a moment to tuck Logan’s hair behind his ears so that Virgil could see his eyes. “Being left behind by people you care about is terrifying, Lo.”

“But it wasn’t real.” Logan protested, his voice raw and ugly from crying as he spoke. “It was just an illusion, a product of my mind, and you two are- you’re here, now, and not gone- yet- not gone and-”

“We’re not gone ever.” Virgil corrected. “You’re stuck with us forever.”

“I don’t know why…” Logan muttered, looking downwards, as if that would hide his comment.

“Because we love you, ya dork.” Remy said, voice light but sincere. “Because you’re cute and you make nerdy science jokes and have our favorite meals memorized even though you can’t cook and you’re the best at giving surprise cheek kisses and while it’s really stupid you’re always trying to be admirable and deal with your issues alone, which- like I said- is stupid, but sweet in theory.”

“Don’t want to bother you-”

“And you’re not.” Virgil cut him off, pressing a kiss to his forehead. “You’re our very beloved boyfriend, Logan. If you’re hurting, we want to help you. You’re never bothering us, especially not over something like this.”

Logan didn’t speak for a moment, processing what his partners had told him. He almost wanted to come back with a lie, almost wanted to look at it and find that their words were false and empty, but he didn’t find that- it was late, they were all tired, and yet their voices were real and honest, in a way that couldn’t be faked ten minutes after awakening.

With a sigh, Logan leaned his head forward, Virgil immediately moving up so that Logan’s head hit his shoulder. “I’m sorry.” He mumbled.

“Don’t be.” Virgil told him, starting to run his fingers through Logan’s hair. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“I was being illogical.”

“We all are sometimes, dearest.” Remy said soothingly.

Once more, silence fell upon the three of them, but it was more comfortable this time, Logan allowing himself to relax against both his partners as they held him. The nightmare was still playing in the background of his mind, but it didn’t hold as much sway over him now, the loneliness of the false memory nothing against the warmth of his reality.

“Should we relocate?” Virgil asked after a good five minutes had passed, still combing through Logan’s hair. Logan had started to lean more and more heavily against him, slowly but surely falling back into the embrace of sleep.

Logan nodded against Virgil’s shoulder, humming tiredly. Crying took too much effort.

Virgil just chuckled. “Babe, you wanna pick up our moonbeam?”

“Of course.” Remy said, quietly but happily. There was some shifting around Logan- part of which involved him removing his head from the crook of Virgil’s neck- before he was settled in Remy’s arms, his partner holding him close against their chest.

“No offense, babe, but you look worse than I do when I haven’t had my coffee.” Remy teased as they carried Logan back towards their room, Virgil following behind.

“Oh, don’t be mean to him.”

“I’m just saying!”

Logan hummed again and pushed himself closer to Remy. “Shhhh.”

“Aw, sleepy nerd.”

Virgil gently slapped their arm for that one, Remy chuckling soundlessly before leaning over and giving Virgil a kiss. “Love you too.”

Finally, they reached their bedroom once more, Virgil pulling Logan’s glasses off for him as Remy settled him down on the bed.

“And this time-” Remy  got on the bed as well, barely a second between them letting Logan go and them pulling him close against their chest once more, “you’re going to sleep until noon.”

“That’s too late.” Logan protested sleepily.

“And you’ve had a rough night.” Virgil said, climbing in behind Logan and wrapping his arms around both him and Remy. “You can have a little bit of sleeping in. As a treat.”

“That’s grammatically horrible.”

Virgil just laughed quietly and kissed the top of Logan’s head. “Go to sleep, nerd. Worry about my grammar in the morning.”

And, surrounded by the solid, real warmth of his partners who had no intentions of going anywhere, Logan did.

[mazojo]

Hiii Maria I'm gonna take you back to the sin bin with another question: so if Noah was real, do you think that you and him would be compatible at all? If yes, why? If no, why not? Feel free to ramble, ya girl is curious

Dont you love it when Kato takes you out of your misery and lightens your existence with an ask of your bby boi Noah Marshall? Because saME

asdfghjhgfd you know I L I V E for your asks Katoooo

That being said lets dissect this asK *cracks knuckles and fails*

okay so i will start off by saying that throughout my very trashy crushing experience, I've discovered (because this is such a breakthrough to scientists all around the globe) I tend to go for certain types. Either guys who are smart and cocky assholes that are lowkey soft on the inside or troubled emo™ souls who just need a hug but hide it all with an outgoing personality (asdfghj look at me describing guys like I am in some sort of otome //rip my dating life).

Of course, Noah Marshall kiiiiinda falls into the latter category but kinda doesnt.

See, even though my rat boi is emo and needs a hug he isn't really very outgoing nor hides it. He knows life sucks and screams it into the endless void that is existence and that is very sexy of his part.

In my opinion, Noah Marshall need someone like MC, which even though we share some similarities.... overall we don't asdfghjk. MC isn't afraid to voice her opinions, she will fight anyone in her way and in my opinion and personal HC, she is outgoing and friendly, quite a bit the opposite of my boi Noah. He needs that shining presence that lights up the room as she walks in, someone who will laugh at his dark jokes and still be soft and confident, someone stubborn who knows when to hit him in the head when he is being an ass ya know?

I am..... very much not that lmaoooo. When it comes to dating and such I am more like Noah and thats the reason I think we wouldnt work out. My personal take on him when he likes someone (I have this big ass head canon list in my notes on how he acts when he realized he had a crush on MC lolll) is him being awkward and saying lowkey the wrong things but still trying to act Kool™ about it and I feel that asdfgh.

I am extremely shy (or am I? because shy people are a myth and we must stray away from them asdfsdfgh) and when I like someone I will most definitely:

Explode (Asdfghj Maria.exe stopped functioning)

Make terrible jokes that most people wont find funny because I have, a sense of humor resembling one of those bad joke books !

Probably ramble about things and make finger guns and unnecessary peace signs while at it (people who know how to properly speak to human beings excuse my lameness)

not make the first move because I overthink every decision of my existence and I would rather die than text someone because if you've ever interacted with me, you know i am a teeeeerrible texter that adds too much emojis/reaction images/gifs and writes long ass paragraphs instead of adding a proper short response like a functioning person ;w;

This is why, very much like Noah, I need an extroverted or just overall out there personality who is able to break through my shell to be comfortable

(this suddenly turned into an exposing myself essay im sorry asdfgh).

I dont think we would be very compatible because we would both be a mess and fail at holding a romantic conversation asdfgh I do think we would make good fiends tho! he looks like he is into dope music and I like to think I am a good listener and help him out through his problems (and provide hugs, he needs them :(((.

Although I do say that physically he is very much my type because bois who have long messy hair and wear beanies are a big y E S but I dont really look into that asdfgh just stating some points

AnywaYS to conclude this very important™ post about my bby boi Noah, I don't think we would really be compatible to be honest. We are way too terrible at the whole dating shenanigans and we would both end up combusting in our mutual pinning lmaoooo. 

bUT can I still give him a hug?? he needs one :(

[too-young-to-be-too-old]

6/21

I nearly forgot that it is supposed to be my birthday on Friday. How can something that I used to spend months getting excited about suddenly turn insignificant? Is my perception of myself and what I care about turning insignificant? I can feel my thoughts slipping away as I try to just survive into the next day, sweating through my layers of PPE and the insults that are thrown at me like tomatoes thrown at a lackluster improv show. Maybe I'll reclaim what is inside my head.

If I can figure out what that is...

------------

I'm being emo. I know. I don't care. I am speaking into a void that exists within a hellscape.

Earlier today I had a thought. I think I already know the answer, but it is still interesting to ponder. What's the connection between suicidal ideation and nihilism? Because I certainly feel like I'm walking that line like a tightrope above a pool that hasn't been cleaned in too long and there's something lurking in its water that's just out of sight.

I feel like a burden to everyone around me, but I also feel like I am wearing a mask of someone who is okay but that mask has been fused to my face for so long that it feels like I am suffocating in my own skin. I don't know. Putting these feelings to words helps, though. It lets me at least begin to understand how I feel so that maybe one day I can fix it. I can't remember when I didn't feel like this, though.

I've been waiting my whole life to get to this point where I have finished my education and started living my adult life, but all I feel now is a sense of dread and longing for a past that I never had. I was so focused on growing up and being mature when I was young, telling myself that older me would thank younger me for it, but now all I feel is a sense of loss for the childlike wonder of the world that I never had. I wish I could go back in time, sit younger me down, tell them a few key sentences and hold them while they processed them:

"You are worthy of love even if no one shows it to you. The love you deserve just needs a different environment."

"Your worth is not tied to how productive you can be, how out of the way you are, how grown-up you act, or how many other people's problems you're balancing on top of your own."

"You need to find what you love now before it's too late. Make that your ambition."

Maybe if someone had told me these things then I wouldn't vent to a piece of metal on my lap...

[arisefairsun]

ok I seriously love romeo. when I read this in freshman year everyone hated him bc he was so sensitive and emotional but that was what I loved about him. even though I'm a girl I relate to him so much bc of that and he thinks with his heart far more than he does with his brain. I love how he is so different from the other boys in verona bc he doesn't want to fight, and I love his contrast w juliet. it's like they're fire and water or the sun and the moon like I just love his character so much

THANK YOU. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one in the world who loves Romeo’s personality. Let me just ramble about him because I absolutely love this boy.

He lives in such a dark, abusive, coercive society, doesn’t he? A society that does not allow its citizens to achieve freedom—a society that despotically forces the men into violence, war, bravado, machismo, and this empty, meaningless concept of a dehumanized man that should have no feelings, no fears, because otherwise he is unmanly and shameful. It is a society that does not accept those men that do not behave as such. Look at the deification of machismo in the opening dialogue between Sampson and Gregory. Look at Mercutio’s constant mocking of Romeo for choosing to be a lover and a poet rather than a fighter:

Alas poor Romeo! he is already dead; stabbed with awhite wench’s black eye; shot through the ear with a love-song; the very pin of his heart cleft with the blind bow-boy’s butt-shaft: and is he a man to encounter Tybalt?

Look at the way the Nurse urges him to ‘man up’: ‘Stand up, stand up; stand, an you be a man’. Even Friar Lawrence shows his contempt for his unmanly attitude:

Art thou a man? thy form cries out thou art.Thy tears are womanish; thy wild acts denoteThe unreasonable fury of a beast.Unseemly woman in a seeming man!O ill-beseeming beast in seeming both!

Romeo, as Montague’s heir, is expected to perpetuate these senseless masculine ideals. Benvolio is certain that Romeo will fight Tybalt (‘Romeo will answer it’), and so does Mercutio (‘Marry, go before to field, he’ll be your follower’). He does not, cannot comprehend why Romeo didn’t accept Tybalt’s challenge, why he stated that he loved the Capuet surname ‘as dearly as mine own’, why he literally said he loved Tybalt (‘O calm, dishonorable, vile submission’). To Mercutio, Romeo is only truly Romeo when he is jesting in his male circle: ‘Is not this better now than groaning for love? Now art thou sociable; now art thou Romeo. Now art thou what thou art by art as well as by nature’. (Little does he know that the reason Romeo is in such a good mood in this scene is that he spent the previous night talking to Capulet’s daughter about the insignificance of names and social labels.)

This is brutal. This is terrible. This is the abusive impact that patriarchy and toxic masculinity and social oppression have on a boy who just wants to go on talking about blushing pilgrims and love’s light wings. Unlike the other boys in Verona, Romeo does not care about his social identity. He simply chooses to ignore it. Think of his reaction to the fight in the first scene: ‘O me! What fray was here? / Yet tell me not, for I’ve heard it all.’ There is weariness in his words. He is tired of the feud. He immediately starts rambling about love instead: ‘Here’s much to do with hate, but more with love. / Why then, O brawling love, O loving hate…’ But it’s not as simple; he just cannot forget about it so easily. In act III, his identity as Montague’s heir brings him so much anxiety and distress that he attempts to take his own life, hoping that this will allow him to extirpate his own name from himself:

O, tell me, friar, tell me,In what vile part of this anatomyDoth my name lodge? tell me, that I may sackThe hateful mansion.Drawing his sword.

These lines are heartbreaking. He is so tired. He is ‘world-wearied flesh’. I don’t think it’s fair to dismiss his emotions and say that he’s just an idiot going through an emo phase. No. Romeo is desperate. Romeo needs affection to survive, and I don’t think that’s a joke if we take into account the brutality of his society. He needs to believe that there is something that’s more powerful than hate in life.

For instance, I can never get enough of the juxtaposition in the first scene. The chaos of the fight, the phallic violence, the toxic pride of Sampson and Gregory—all of this contrasts beautifully with Romeo’s first entrance. From the moment Lady Montague asks, ‘O where is Romeo?’, the characters shift toward a more lyrical, dreamlike speech. They mention Aurora’s bed, the worshipped sun, an artificial night, etc. The force of poetry accompanies Romeo’s character even before he comes on the stage. The language of the scene invites us to conceive Romeo as a different boy, one that isolates himself, one that cries under sycamores, ‘with tears augmenting the fresh morning dew, / Adding to clouds more clouds with his deep sighs’, while the other men shed blood over a thumb-biting gesture. Romeo is lyrical, he is poetry itself, an ardent defensor of the power of dreaming. And yet, in the first act, his poetry is poor and his understanding of love limited, stereotyped, void. It’s artificial and forced. As Friar Lawrence remarks, ‘thy love did read by rote, that could not spell’. Romeo’s 'love’ for Rosaline exposes again the banality of his society. 

It’s not until he meets Juliet that he transcends the limited customs of his society and begins to explore his real self. With Juliet he finds a new kind of love, one that’s personal, real, daring, full of meaning. During his first conversation with Juliet, they both triumph at composing a perfect Shakespearean sonnet together. The poetry is finally mutual, real, alive. From that moment on, though, they will generally speak in blank verse together; Romeo finds a new voice, a different sort of dream, in Juliet’s company. He changes his nonsense, excessively elaborated speech for a much more honest, spontaneous language. He can do so much better than his society—he can be a far better poet than he thinks. Juliet, who shows a greater command of her language, demonstrates this to him.

Something I love about him is that even if he is the romantic lead of the story, he is far from being the perfect prince: he is a helpless, scared child. Juliet is certainly more determined than him, far more careful and resourceful. When she is threatened by her father to marry a man she dislikes, she immediately asks the Nurse for help (‘O Nurse! How shall this be prevented?’). When the Nurse betrays her, she immediately turns to the friar (‘I’ll to the friar to know his remedy’). After Romeo’s banishment, on the contrary, he just lies on the floor 'with his own tears made drunk’, refuses to listen to the friar’s advices, and even attempts to kill himself. But I don’t think we should despise Romeo for this; Romeo needs help and protection and that is not a joke. Romeo goes through a lot of anxiety because he is forced to become someone he doesn’t want to be and that’s just not his fault.

Even if both of them are very protective of each other, it is Juliet who most mentions her need to protect 'my Romeo’. Despite all her fears, this is what finally makes her drink the friar’s potion:

O look! Methinks I see my cousin’s ghost,Seeking out Romeo that did spit his bodyUpon a rapier’s point: Stay, Tybalt, stay!Romeo, I come. This do I drink to thee.

Juliet fears that Tybalt, one of the major exponents of toxic masculinity in the play, will destroy her Romeo if she doesn’t defend him. It is as if there were two Romeos: his imposed identity as Romeo Montague, based on honor and violence; and then the identity he chose himself as her Romeo, based on love and tenderness. He attempts to break the patriarchal norms by rejecting his household in the balcony scene ('Had I [my name] written, I would tear the word’); however, he doesn’t ask the same from her. Ultimately, his death in Capulet’s vault destroys his obedience to the feud (and he uses poison, often attributed to women and weakness, as opposed to Juliet’s dagger).

Juliet revitalizes him in every possible way. She introduces him to a brighter, kinder world. Picking up again the saint/pilgrim motif, he asks her to 'call me but love and I’ll be new baptized’. He finally finds someone who doesn’t believe in the coercive customs of their society—someone who fearlessly states that he would still be as valuable even if he were not a Montague. While their households continue to fight over the importance of names and honor, Juliet is so skeptical that she even wonders, 'What’s Montague? It is nor hand, nor foot, / Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part / Belonging to a man.’ She’ll fight anyone over her Romeo. She is ready to do anything in order to take care of him (more on this here). And Romeo himself rejoices in her protectiveness. He knows she’s stronger than all the swords in Verona ('Look thou but sweet and I am proof against their enemy’). To him, she is a light forcing her way through the physical restrictions of their world, freely expanding her light across the whole sky and shaming 'those stars / As daylight doth a lamp’. She is his sun. There is so much life in her that he believes she could revive him with her kisses as if he were a Disney princess (‘… And breathed such life with kisses in my lips / That I revived and was an emperor’). He is in love with her mind, with her light, and not only with her body (FIGHT ME): 'How is’t, my soul? Let’s talk, it is not day.’

In short, Juliet builds a new identity for him, one that’s free from Verona’s rules and the feud, one that’s tender and blissful and full of light, as they always say. This brings him hope—Juliet’s brave, restless energy turns his dreams into reality. Look at his intrepid words:

With love’s light wings did I o'er-perch these walls,For stony limits cannot hold love out, And what love can do, that dares love attempt.Therefore thy kinsmen are no stop to me.

Love is his strength. Romeo’s courage is of a different kind than that of the other men. It is not based on violence and rage—he dislikes those. Romeo’s bravery lies in his tears, his softness, his emotions, his dreams. His inability to live without Juliet denotes his inability to live without freedom, subjugated to the toxicity of the feud and masculinity. In the balcony scene he tells Juliet 'I would I were thy bird’; he tells her he wishes to say there 'forgetting any other home but this’. And indeed, he chooses Juliet’s breast as his final resting place. Productions don’t generally make him die on her breast, but that’s what Friar Lawrence describes: 'Thy husband in thy bosom there lies dead.’ It tragically echoes his words in the balcony scene: 'Sleep dwell upon thine eyes, peace in thy breast, / Would I were sleep and peace so sweet to rest!’

They are a team. They love, help, save, trust each other. The intimacy they achieve by the end of act III is remarkable. Look at the Nurse’s words when she finds Romeo crying in the friar’s cell:

O, he is even in my mistress’ case,Just in her case! O woeful sympathy!Piteous predicament! Even so lies she,Blubbering and weeping, weeping and blubbering.

He shows as much despair as her. They are not the typical straight couple—a perfectly disciplined man, an oversensitive woman—Romeo and Juliet share their pain. For instance, I’m in love with this passage from the farewell scene:

JULIETO god! I have an ill-divining soul!Methinks I see thee there, thou art so low,As one dead in the bottom of a tomb.Either my eyesight fails or thou lookst pale.ROMEOAnd trust me, love, in my eye so do you.Dry sorrow drinks our love. Adieu, adieu!

This could be paraphrased as ‘I’m scared.’ ‘I’m scared, too.’ This is beautiful and not so easy to find in literature. This is a man who doesn’t pretend he is too strong to show weakness. Romeo imagines his blood being sucked by sorrow, and he doesn’t mind telling Juliet. Indeed, he always stands up for his own emotions and his right to feel. I’ve always been in love with his response to the friar’s words in 3.3:

Thou canst not speak of that thou dost not feel:Wert thou as young as I, Juliet thy love,An hour but married, Tybalt murdered,Doting like me and like me banished,Then mightst thou speak, then mightst thou tear thy hair,And fall upon the ground, as I do now,Taking the measure of an unmade grave.

Romeo is unable to cope; he is weak, sensitive, and spends too much time dreaming. He is the kind of person who needs people by his side. He simply needs affection and that’s precisely what his society prohibits him from having. But instead of mocking him for this, I believe it would be fairer to judge those that instill such anxiety and despair in this poor child who just wants to spend his life poetizing the power of love but who is tragically forced to kill and hate. He is such an idealistic young boy, isn’t he?—completely governed by his dreams, madly in love with his own fantasies. I can never get enough of this funny exchange between Mercutio and Romeo:

ROMEOI dreamt a dream tonight.MERCUTIOAnd so did I.ROMEOWell, what was yours?MERCUTIOThat dreamers often lie.ROMEOIn bed asleep while they do dream things true.

This is not only a man showing his emotions and clinging to his dreams, this is a man who was raised to promote toxic masculinity, rage, and violence, and who does what he can to distance himself from that. We should never forget that. Let’s not decontextualize Romeo and Juliet’s actions from the feud. They are not ‘normal’ kids living in a ‘normal’ world. I think that’s people’s problem with this play—they forget the patriarchal, abusive society Romeo and Juliet were raised in. Two idiots getting themselves killed? That’s dumb indeed. But that’s not what happens in Romeo and Juliet. Romeo and Juliet cling to each other because they accept each other for what they truly are. It’s the fact that they are left alone, that nobody else is willing to accept them, that their society feeds itself with blood and hate and prejudice—this is what kills Romeo and Juliet. To me, it’s the story of two young people who rebel against all the chaos they are to inherit from their parents. And Romeo’s rebellion lies in his emotions. This is the 21st century, for God’s sake. Are we going to mock a boy who is just too tired of all the unhealthy ideals being forced on him? Romeo is quite a unique character—how many men living in a society that encourages them to show off their masculinity would refuse to perpetuate it? Let Romeo cry. Let him fall on the ground in tears. Let him sigh and talk about how his 'heartsick groans, mist-like,’ will 'infold me from the search of eyes’. The fact that he is vulnerable is proof that he doesn’t want to be dehumanized by social constructs. It’s the bravest, most revolutionary thing he could have done in his world. The problem is not Romeo, but Romeo’s society.

[worddonor]

I understand.

Well. As far as my little brain can comprehend. To a degree: I know how you feel Lord...when you say you want a relationship with us and not just for us to call on you when we need something or need assistance or rescuing from a tight situation. You want us to speak to you all hours of the day, when we're excited and when we're upset or just to chat and spend quality time together. We are made in your image after all.

It's good to feel wanted for who you are and not just what you have to offer. I get it now Lord, it hit home recently and again tonight. I know I'm a difficult human being, not the type of person people desire to have around, I wouldn't want to be around me much either - I'm a moody bastard at best. The past few weeks have had me feeling used more intensely than ever (even if it wasn't the truth, it felt that way). Used for everything but who I am, perhaps those on the other side don't see it that way, but when the only time someone reaches out to you or is especially nice toward you is because they need this or that or because they feel they owe you - it's pretty disappointing. It's as if every interaction, even with family lately is a transaction devoid of presence. I didn't think I'd ever be the guy worrying over what seems frivolous to be honest, but it stings nonetheless. It's probably why I enjoy speaking to the void so much. I will be honest though, it's not always doom and gloom - there are times when I chat with my older sister where I can sense we're both paying close attention to the other in those moments which keeps the words flowing and much is learned.

Either way I always wonder if I wasn't here would it make much difference? Probably not. I believe (I guess I shouldn't believe THIS belief - sorry Uncle Rick, but ok) I add auxiliary value. The kind of value that's nice to have or necessary only when you've run out of all other options - the last resort. I know that Jesus loves me and YOU deeply. I'm HIS first choice. You're HIS first choice (remember we're dealing with omnipotence here). If that wasn't true, do you think He would've gone through all that suffering for nothing? He is someone who desires my company. Someone who has given me the world. Someone who gets more than a touch sad when I don't say hi or have time to chat. The creator of the universe wants to spend time with me.

Fancy that.

Just for laughs, I found the below meme quite funny even though it's in a mocking tone its too cute not to share. Plus, it is true though - once you experience the love of Jesus, you'll find it hard to search for love anywhere else. You have to forgive the doggo for wanting you to experience Jesus' love too, lol. If you have Him, you have everything you'll ever need - trust me. No-one loves like Him and no-one will be by your side every single step of the way, giving you wisdom, encouraging you, mourning with you and lifting you up in a multitude of ways as He WILL, no matter what your situation.

Ok, enough of the emo purge.

Stay up good people, Jesus truly loves you more than I or any other human being is capable of - so let him in and let him shine a light in the places you've locked away so deep you've forgotten they even exist. Prepare to be shaken up for the better though. I know I'm being turned upside-down and inside out as I write this. My flesh and my spirit are cut up with the constant battle for dominance of my thoughts and thereby my actions. After praying I feel strong and joyful, but as soon as my foot is off the go pedal my thoughts turn to self-loathing, cussing, anger and bitterness toward those I felt abandoned me. If I'm completely truthful with myself: I never took the risks to connect with people regularly despite opportunities to do so. I wasn't brave enough to spit out even the simplest of conversation starters, overthinking always choked me out. I hate that, but now I have to press on for the rest of my life's sake. My spirit seems over the moon about it all though - it can't stop speaking in tongues (which I just started doing like in the last two weeks - newbie over here). If my victory over the man I've been up until now is going to come, I best continue praying that way. I've heard and read it's the only direct line to the Lord that leaves NO GAPS open for the evil one to penetrate. It's power beyond the usual which is what I need to break through the wilderness I've been trodding through for years now.

Watch this space - or don't: your call. If you don't ever again, remember: when you're feeling alone, useless and/or forgotten by all, remember the one who loved you enough to die for you.

His door is always open and he can't wait to chat to you :).

P.S. That line sounded so infomercial-rag (pronounced "raaa-ggghhh" [it's a guttural sound, the "gghhhh!!"]).

Sorry man.