#it looks like a baked bread straight from the oven im taking a bite

[hyunpic]

woah…..

[artificialqueens]

Rupaul's Bake Off ~ Hobnob

A/N: The great British bake off is so close i can taste it. People don’t know this about me, but i go into a hibernation like state whilst waiting between seasons of bake off. I then emerge from my cocoon as a sweaty moth, ready to watch some fuckin cooking and pound a few brews.

Alas, bake off moved to channel 4 and i can’t stand channel 4 it can suck my flaccid wang. Too many adds, I’m not about that life, you know? When i found out i looked my mum straight in the eyes and cried. She told me i was loved and held me tight. Thats the only intimacy i ever got from mum :(

I was craving some classic bake off, that really kept with the feel of the show. Bless mary berry that sweet old thing. She was faithful and stayed with the BBC! I burnt my paul holywood cookbook when i found out he was moving to channel 4. Liar!!! Dickhead!!!

Enjoy~ Hobnob

Ru: So then i said if those are your rates ill kill the child myself.

Ru: Shit we on?

Ru: Hello hello hello! Four weeks in, 12 bakers down to eight. They’re on a roll!

Ru: Welcome, to Rupaul’s Bake Off!

~

Ru: Alright ladies, how are we feeling today?

Laganja: Well actually i-

Ru: Hahahahaha thats wonderful!

Ru: For todays challenge you’ll all be making shortbread, and since our ratings went up by 4, we can actually afford real flour.

Trixie: We used washing powder. Magnolia Crawford died.

Ru: I hear your complaints. Magnolia’s family will be notified.

Trixie: Her body is still on the floor. We used her left leg for pie week.

Ru: Her death drop was sickening!

Ru: Are you ladies bready to make some shortbread?

*general mumbling*

Ru: Well on that note lets- WAKE UP PEARL.

Pearl: Im a dude that loves to snooze.

Ru: Gentlemen, start your ovens, and may the best woman, bake!

Pearl: where am i.

~

Ru: Alright Michelle what we looking for in a good piece of shortbread?

*Michelle grabs a tesco’s own brand tray of shortbread and cuts a piece in half*

Michelle: No soggy bottoms.

Ru: But Michelle i heard you love a soggy bottom!

*cackling from Michelle and Santino*

Ru: Now Santino, what are you looking for in a piece of shortbread.

Santino: I want to have a have a childhood flashback like in ratatouille.

Ru: Santino your fired.

Michelle: Its literally impossible to fuck up shortbread, I’m exited to see what these girls can turn out.

Santino: I think one of the contestants died last week.

Ru: You know michelle i completely agree. Ill be keeping my rye on them!

*more cackling*

Ru: Alright we only booked this room for half an hour get out.

~

Ru: lets see how some of these biological women are doin.

Ru: Sharon Needles, how it do?

Sharon: Hoh hoh its going great Ru!

Ru: Now I’m…seeing alot of plastic rings on the counter…whats that all about?

Sharon: See Ru, at greggs they serve their shortbread with fun plastic rings on top!

Sharon: I love greggs this is really a homage to that.

Ru: I uh…ok

Ru: So how about the Shortbread itself, how’s that coming along?

Sharon: I wanted it to have a spook-tastic theme!

*Ru nods*

Sharon: So i put live spiders in the mix.

Ru: Christ…

Ru: Alright ill let you get back to work thanks Sharon.

Sharon: Hoh hoh!

~

Ru: Katya, hows everything cooking?

Katya: Im making ravioli Ru.

Ru: But the challenge is to make shortbread.

*Katya leans in and whispers*

Katya: Ru ima level with you here, i ate all the flour.

*Ru sighs*

Ru: Alright can we get Katya another bag of flour?

Pit crew: We can’t she snorted it all.

Katya: Im so happy to be here!!!

Ru: For fucks sake. there were 20 bags of flour.

*Katya takes another drag of her cigarette*

Katya: Party.

Ru: Right Im going over there.

~

Ru: Leganjy estrangy, it smells great over here!

Laganja: Actually mawma its pronounced la-

Ru: Wonderful!

Ru: How are you approaching the classic shortbread recipie?

Laganja: Well mwahmah i baked my shortbread with pot cuz if it aint green i aint interested you best believe!

Ru: You smuggled marijuana on set??

Adore: Rupaul that was my weed she stole it!!!

Laganja: You fucking dickpig son of a spazzy cunt i didn’t take nothing.

Adore: You also stole my copious amounts of ketamine gurl, most unsportsmanlike…

*Laganja whips out her gun*

Laganja: You willing to die over this? Take it easy okuur?

*She aims the gun at adore’s temple and speaks in a soft voice*

Laganja: I feel very…attacked.

Ru: Oof i doughnut want to be caught up in this pickle. Take it easy…bake oven.

*Roaring laughter from Michelle*

- Ru: Sasha Velour!

Ru: Make this quick I’m running out of food related puns.

Sasha: Want me to give you a quick run-through of what I’m making?

Ru: Sasha you bread my mind!

Ru: Oh i do got more.

Sahsa: I really wanted to get an in depth look at the inner workings of shortbread.

Shasha: So my piece will be a deconstruction of shortbread at its essence.

Ru: Its… just the raw ingredients and you’ve painted 3 of the eggs.

Sasha: plus i infused the oats with the tears of a crying dove.

Sasha: Its the future of baking man. Don’t even trip.

Ru: I have only just met you.

Ru: But i love you.

Sasha: Right on.

*Ru checks her casio sports watch*

Ru: ALRIGHT LADIES STOP BAKING WE’S DONE TIME’s UUupP.

Ru: Time to judge this shitshow.

~

*Ru Michelle and Santino look at all the trays. Santino begins to cry*

Michelle: Uh- lets start with Trixie mattel’s!!

Santino: So first off its fucking pink. And there’s bits of glitter sticking out of it.

Trixie: Yeah that glitter isn’t edible.

*Santino, Michelle and Ru take a bite* Michelle: Why does it taste like regret and plastic?

Trixie: I melted 3 barbie dolls into the mix. I was feeling the fantasy.

*Santino begins to choke and collapses on the floor*

Ru: Sickening!

Michelle: Movin on.

Michelle: Bianca Del Rio, lets see what you made henny.

*Michelle picks up a tray of paper slips*

Ru: Tf is this.

Bianca: THEY’RE ALL INSULTS FOR LAGANJA ESTRANJA.

Bianca: I WANT TO SLASH HER FUCKING FACE.

Michelle: That went to a very dark place.

Bianca: I WILL ABSORB HER LIFE ENERGY AND RETURN TO THE SHADOW RELM.

*Michelle puts down the tray and looks at the rest of the trays*

Michelle: The rest of these aren’t even shortbread. Ru did you have to cast a group of twats, how do you fuck up shortbread.

Ru: Now seems like the perfect time to plug my new product.

Ru: It’s a literal piece of shit. Just a big chunk of shit.

Ru: Think of the…possibilities.

Adore: Did Santino die?

Ru: Now available on ebay. Bidding starts at ten quid.

Adore: He isn’t breathing.

Ru: While you think about the series of events that led you to this gig, the judges and i will deliberate.

*Ru looks over to Santino’s dead body*

Ru: Michelle and i will deliberate. ~

Ru: Alright so what do we think?

Michelle: Katya snorted all the flour then spat in a tray, Pearl is asleep inside the oven, Bianca keeps coming at queens with carving knives, I think i saw Trixie sample Katya’s tray of spit, Laganja has a loaded gun, Adore doesn’t belong here, Sasha is immaculate and i love her god bless and Sharon started coughing up blood.

Ru: The ‘steaks’ are higher than ever!

Michelle: And Santino Rice died.

Ru: Ive heard enough…Bring back my goirls.

*Michelle cackles*

~

Ru: Alright ladies…ive made my decision…

*Trixie raises her hand and Ru sighs*

Ru: Yes Trixie?

Trixie: Where’s Manila?

Ru: i-uh…oh shit yeah Manila was sposed to be here.

Ru: Manila?

*Manila pops her head out of a fruit bowl. She’d been disguised as a pineapple the whole time!*

Ru: Why you hiding gurl?

*Manila speaks through broken sobs*

Manila: Someone…someone left the cake out in the rain.

*shady rattlesnake noise*

Manila: I-I just don’t think that I can take it, coz it took so long to bake it.

*A single tear rolls down her pineapple cheek*

Manila: And I’ll never have that recipe again.

*Everyone hugs Manila and cries*

Ru: Mmm thats some good telly.

Ru: Alright I’ve made my decision…

Ru: Stacy layne Mathews, you are the star baker of this weeks challenge.

*Everyone applauds, and nods in agreement*

Stacy: Thanks. As they say back in the swamp, “i am in a swamp, but why?”

Ru: Preach sister.

Ru: Unfortunately…this is the hardest part of the competition…who will be eliminated.

Ru: So Im going to let Michelle Visage decide.

Michelle: Trixie you killed Santino Rice.

Michelle:…

Michelle: thank you. You are safe + immunity for next weeks challenge.

Trixie: Bitchin!

Michelle: You know what, ill cut to the chase. Hermione granger the stranger you can go home.

Laganja: mwwuuaaumahch, it’s pronouncéd lega-

Ru: Get out.

*Even louder applause as everyone else throws rotten tomatoes at a sobbing Laganja*

Ru: Thats not all…every guests here tonight…leaves with a piece of shit!

Ru: See you next week!

Ru: LET THE MUSIC PLAEEH!!

*Everyone shuffles about to the sound of ambient rainforest noises.*

A/N: It was me, tammie brown all along.

If you managed to stick with the entirety of this script you get a shank in the back plus free PPI congration!!!?!?!?!?!!!!!!

[musicprincess655]

Knight and Bishop, Ch. 25

Pairing: Semishira, Kawashiki

Rating: T

Tags: a/b/o, royalty au

read on ao3

“You have to have the fighting spirit. You have to force moves and take chances” - Bobby Fischer

So Eita was honest enough with himself that he could admit it.

He had a crush.

A big crush on Shirabu, and he wasn’t completely sure how to approach it. On the one hand, Shirabu’s age shouldn’t be too much of a barrier. He was hardly a child, and if he was interested in a relationship, there was no reason not to pursue one.

On the other hand, he could get burned so easily. They’d already proven how badly things could go if they didn’t communicate. And Shirabu may not be that much younger than him, but he did have a kind of impenetrable feeling around him. Eita wasn’t keen on the idea of rejection.

So for now, he was playing it safe. He didn’t have to do anything about his crush immediately. Instead, he would continue spending time with Shirabu as they had been doing, and in the meantime, he would try to adjust to life in the castle.

Which meant he would have to start making friends here. He was already most of the way there with Taichi and Ushijima, but the new guard Goshiki was probably worth another look, and it was better to get to know all of them better, anyway. He’d probably be working closely with them in the future.

They were busy most of the time – there was still fallout from the war to deal with, and as it moved into October and the first snowfall of the year threatened, they were busy making sure there would be enough to last the citadel through the winter.

Still, Eita did find some of their free time to spend with them. Taichi was just as sarcastic and biting as he’d always been – Eita could see why he and Shirabu were best friends. Goshiki was a sweet kid with a surprising amount of insight, and it wasn’t long before Eita had switched to calling him Tsutomu. He rarely called anybody by their surname once he got to know them, with Ushijima and Shirabu as glaring exceptions.

It was almost surprising to learn that Tsutomu was the same age as Shirabu, now that his birthday had come and gone. In a lot of ways, he seemed much younger, but that was only on the surface. Tsutomu had a kind of wisdom that couldn’t come from anything but experience, and he carried himself with pride, even if he forgot himself a lot in his excitement. He was young at heart, and probably always would be, but that didn’t mean he was a child.

And Ushijima…Eita had a lot more respect for him after everything that had happened up north. Granted, he’d thought Ushijima was as cold as his mother when they’d first met, but if knowing each other for a few years hadn’t changed his opinion, the way Ushijima treated him after the battle had convinced him. Ushijima, in his own way, cared deeply about his people, and could often see to the heart of their issues by observation alone. He would make a good king someday.

All in all, Eita was pleased with the people he was closest to in the castle. They were a good group.

He’d noticed that Shirabu seemed to be withdrawing in on himself, though. He came looking for Eita to play a game or just to talk less, and when Eita did go looking for him, he usually found him tucked in a far corner in the library, isolated from everyone.

Eita could understand the compulsion to push people away, but in the long run, that wasn’t going to help Shirabu. Luckily, Eita had an idea.

“You should come down to the village with me tomorrow,” he said, once again finding Shirabu with his nose buried in a book. Shirabu looked up, only his eyes showing over the top.

Eita had always liked brown eyes. Blue or green or any other color would be distorted to him, but brown was always clear.

“I’d rather stay here,” Shirabu said.

“Come on, it’ll be fun,” Eita insisted – gently, because he didn’t like what had happened last time he pushed too hard, even if it was probably better for both of them. “They’re celebrating the harvest festival starting tomorrow. Haven’t you ever been to that?”

Shirabu shook his head.

“It’s a lot of fun,” Eita promised. “There’s always a lot of games and food and dancing at night. Ushijima-sama is going with Taichi and Tsutomu.”

Something in Shirabu’s face relaxed at the promise of people he knew that would be there.

“Fine,” he said slowly. “But I’m leaving if it’s too much.”

It almost turned out to be too much. Shirabu had given the crowd gathered in the village square a look like a deer seeing a hunter. Someone had knocked him into Eita’s side, and he almost looked ready to turn tail and run until Eita caught him and held his hand.

“Stay close,” Eita said. “Don’t wanna lose each other in the crowd.”

He couldn’t help falling back into his usually accent down here in the village, but he wasn’t trying that hard to keep up the noble accent, either. This was a day to have fun.

Shirabu, despite the death threat he’d thrown at Eita for that, squeezed his hand every time the crowd pulled at them. It wasn’t as bad when they drifted closer to Ushijima and Taichi and Tsutomu. People naturally parted for the crown prince.

Eita pulled Shirabu all over the place, looking at all the games and grabbing bites of food they could carry around with them. Shirabu actually looked like he was having fun, smiling as he followed Eita around. It was a good look on him.

Finally, though, Eita could sense that Shirabu was starting to get overwhelmed by the people surrounding them, so he took them both to a familiar door.

“Hey Ma!” he called, stepping into the smell of freshly baked bread like a warm bath.

“Eita!” she yelled back, a smile in her voice. “Grab the cookies from the oven, would ya? We’re near out.”

Eita stepped into the kitchen, covering his hands with a towel to go into the oven for the baking cookies. He turned around to see Shirabu staring around with something like awe.

“Here,” he said, passing one of the cookies to Shirabu. “Careful, it’s hot.”

Shirabu ignored him and bit into the cookie instantly, making a face when he burned his tongue. Then it smoothed out into something undeniably happy when he actually tasted it.

Eita didn’t have long to hang around, instead hurrying the cookies up to his mother at the front of the bakery. She kissed him on the cheek, setting them out in a hurry. This was always one of their busiest days of the year, and the bakery was packed with people.

“We’re also runnin’ low on rolls, dear, if you’ll put more on,” she said. “Did I hear someone else come in?”

“Yeah,” Eita told her. “I have a friend. He needs a breather from the festival.”

“Put ‘im to work if he’s up for it.”

“Will do.”

Eita headed back to the kitchen. Shirabu was still standing awkwardly, avoiding anyone who walked around him.

“C’mere,” Eita said. “Help me out.”

Shirabu wrinkled his nose, but he looked grateful for some direction.

He was absolute shit at anything to do with baking, and Eita spent more time fixing his mistakes than he did actually following his mother’s instructions, called back to them every so often, but it was fun anyway.

After a particularly vicious critique of Shirabu’s nonexistent kneading skills, Eita got flour thrown in his face for his troubles. He opened his eyes to the strangest look he’d ever seen on Shirabu’s face, before Shirabu burst out laughing.

It was the ugliest thing Eita had ever heard in his life. Shirabu gasped and squeaked in his inhales, snorted and gurgled on the exhales. It was adorable.

Finally, though, night started to fall, and they shut down the kitchen. Umi – home from wherever she’d been adventuring, promising stories later – took whatever was leftover out in a cart. She would sell things for a reduced price around the bonfire they were setting up.

Eita’s mother came back into the kitchen, collapsing at the table in the corner where the family ate together. She looked exhausted, but happy. The harvest festival was their last big day before the winter, and they had to make enough money for supplies. It seemed like this year had been a good year for them.

“Sit with me,” she told both of them. “Your brother’s makin’ tea.”

Eita sat easily, but Shirabu followed much more slowly.

“Ma, this is Shirabu Kenjirou,” Eita introduced him as he sat carefully, back straight and on the edge of his chair. “He’s a friend o’ mine up at the castle.”

“He’s pretty,” a small voice answered. Tomoko walked in to sit herself down as well. It was easy to chat with his family, and even Shirabu relaxed enough to join in. His mother liked Shirabu, he could tell.

Eita kept an eye on the fading light for when the bonfire would go up. When he judged it dark enough, he stood, pulling Shirabu with him.

“We’re goin’ to the dance,” he told his family.

“Have fun, dear,” his mom said, in a voice that told him she knew.

They ran into Ushijima, Tsutomu, and Taichi on their way to the bonfire. Eita could feel his heartrate starting to pick up from the sound of the fiddles. People were already dancing by the time they got there.

“Dance with me,” Eita said, holding out his hand to Shirabu.

“What?”

“It’ll be fun,” he insisted.

“I don’t know how to dance like that,” Shirabu said, nodding at the fast, jig-like steps.

“That’s the fun thing about dances like this,” Eita said, close enough that he could now take Shirabu’s hand. “If you don’t do what you planned to do, you just made up a new dance move.”

And before Shirabu could protest more, Eita dragged him out into the dance. Shirabu looked terrified for a split second before Eita put a hand on his hip and started to guide him.

Eventually, Shirabu stopped trying to fight it and followed Eita’s lead. His eyes were starting to shine, and he was smiling again.

Then the musicians started to play a song that was especially for couples. Eita kind of wanted to stay, even if it wouldn’t mean anything to Shirabu, but he could see Tsutomu and Taichi standing on the sidelines, watching over Ushijima.

They deserved this more than he did.

“You two go have a dance,” he told them. “I can watch Ushijima-sama for a while.”

They both shot him grateful looks before going out to dance. Eita settled in.

“This dance is for couples, is it not?” Ushijima asked.

“Yeah,” Eita said, watching Tsutomu sneak a kiss before they started dancing. “They deserve it.”

“I am glad they get along so well,” Ushijima said. “They make each other happy.”

“Mmm.”

Eita looked over at Shirabu, eyes shining in the firelight. He was drooping with exhaustion, but he looked happier than Eita had seen him away from a book. Eita felt his chest squeeze. Great. On top of his crush, he wanted to take care of Shirabu and make him happy.

But if this was the result, it was worth it.