#it looked like someone shit in a blender and poured a cup of water in it and turned it on

[dietmountaindewbae]

could you please do something white humbug alex and he’s subby and the reader is dom

ix. i think god is moving its tongue

alex turner x (dom) reader

requested by anonymus

word count: 2966

summary: nighttime was your favorite time, you were invited to a party on the beach, and you felt lonely but (humbug) Alex was quick to fix that.

warnings: degradation, oral sex, spit.

song recommendation: my own summer by deftones

Tides rolled down the endless dark sea, beneath the pale light of the moon, blowing smoke out thru your mouth, watching people all over each other, music loud, nowhere to hide but at plane sight. You looked for something exciting tonight, even though you had yet to find out what that could be, so you began searching around the beach house.

The inside was just like the outside, you were dazed, and the number of drinks you had kept you a bit dizzy but not enough to make you look like a dead girl walking, even though you felt like one. What could you do? Split a joint, drink more shots, dance, you were looking for more tonight, something that genuinely sparked something inside you, three easy getaways from your mind couldn't fulfill your necessities tonight, you fetched another drink, but that was until all heads turned to a loud blender crushing ice.

"Hey you, big star! Turn that shit off" Someone yelled at the guy with a blender full of ice, and liquor, he was dancing, his feet stomping to the music, banging his head a little, he wore a black leather jacket, some baggy denim jeans, and boots, his long hair reached to his jaw, he glanced at the guy who yelled at him.

"Fuck off! Who wants margaritas?" He listed 4 margaritas, then another one came asking for another, "No, four margaritas!" He drawled, signing 4 with his fingers.

"Not even a little for me" You joked, his eyes looked at you from bottom to top thru his dark sunglasses, and a smile appeared on the corner of his mouth.

"What's your name pretty baby?"

"Gimme one, and I'll tell you at least one letter" He smirked, and nodded while he put some ice for your drink, he poured the rest of the bottle into the blender, while he squeezed some lemons with his hand, but that wasn't working for him that well, the juice was everywhere except the blender.

"Where's the- lime squeezer," He danced, bopping his head to the beat, shaking the blender, and pouring the drink into your cup first, the rest could wait a little longer, "Full name" He demanded.

"We agreed on a letter," You specified, as you were about to savor your drink, he took the cup away from you.

"Full margarita, full name" You approached him slowly, you could feel his eyes on your lips, and your bright eyes.

"You can call me anything you want" You grabbed the margarita away from him, disappearing into the crowd, the rest complained their margaritas weren't served but Alex didn't care, he was fascinated by you, and now you found just the thing that would cure you tonight, he was willing to chase the girl with eyes painted silver and black, scarlet cheeks, and pouty lips, he thought you could be another perfect pray, you were the one that was letting him in, and he didn't know what was he in for, he was just drawn to you, like an instinct almost.

He followed the trace of a ghost, he was desperate to find you, otherwise, you could've been one of those girls he longed for, that he was too busy thinking you were make-believe, he was getting tangled on his own web, following your trace in every corner of the dark house, until he got outside, finding you shimming out of your clothes with a cigarette between your lips, and his margarita on your hand, he admired you, followed your movement, and you caught him watching, locking eyes together, he could read what you hid in your smile, so he wasted no time, taking the leap to get himself out of his leather jacket and boots, throwing his jeans and shirt away only to get to you.

He followed you in, and watched how your hair sank inside the water, the blue water making your eyes look like crystals, he wanted to see like your eyes do when you look up to the sky and smile.

"Hello, big star," You said to him just to tease him a little.

"Full margarita, full name" You giggled at how persistent he was, maybe you should have racing stripes the way you kept him in pursuit, you finally spilled your name at him, the full name, "It's lovely, mine's Alex" You nodded at him like your hello, "All on your own?"

"Well, I've got you now don't I?" He smirked at the comeback, "What about you big star?"

"I'm with me mates," You knew him, if someone didn't know who he was they would probably be living under a rock, most of the people that came were people who saw their performance today, you being one of them as well, your friends had dragged you in, somehow you made it, and just a few moments in everyone got lost, "But I think I've got something more exciting here"

"Do I excite you?" Someone was up to play with him, were you the one to beat him at his own game?

"We both know that answer," He told you, "Right?"

"I never said anything, you were the one that got here, went inside the pool, and chased me around like a little puppy without even knowing my name" When you hold him accountable like that, it was hard for him to look for a comeback, "I got you where I want you"

"Does that mean you want me too?" His doe eyes were so desperate to hear your answer, he was willing to keep chasing you to hear your voice again.

"Kiss me if you wanna find out" His face taking a complete 180 when you said those words, he put his hands on your hips pressing your back against the barrier of the pool, your hands running up his hair feeling him relax under your comforting touch, his lips were about to finally close that small fraction of space when you pulled his head back, your mouth attached to his neck, your thumb running down his adam's apple, he breathed heavily.

"Please don't make this any harder" He begs.

"I know what to do to make things harder" He was desperate for a little more, this had never happened to him, never came across a girl like you, and he liked that so much it made him sick, he always had the lead, never had he struggled to get with someone at a party, all of them were wrapped around his little finger, but no one had the control just like you, he willingly let go of his nature just to give into you, "What do you feel like Alex? what are you thinking?"

"I feel like more... I want more of you, all of you," He felt exposed, sensitive, weak, all of this for a girl with a face like an angel but a fire in her eyes.

"You sound so cute when you talk like that to me" He rolled his eyes, this time you loosely place your hand on his neck to wrap him up in a kiss he yearned for so deeply, he was needy, gripping your hair, kissing your mouth roughly until your lips were plump, feeling your tongue slip inside his mouth, he wrapped your legs around his torso, his hard dick pressed against you, a moan escapes your mouth into his when he pressed it harder against you, he made the water warm, his breathing unsteady.

"I swear I could fuck you here, and let everyone watch you get fucked up" That thought made you moan, your legs crossed tightly against his making the spot tighter, you could feel his hard cock against your cunt, and it made you feel so needy and wet.

"If you wanna fuck me, fuck me right and get us out of here" He completely forgot where he was when he kissed you like that, some people were even looking your way, but the question was how was he going to get out of the pool without everyone noticing his dick was the size of a thermos flask.

"Fuck... " He whispered under his breath, "But let's get out fast" When you pulled away it felt like a piece of him was taken away from him, your warmth and your scent getting him intoxicated, you turned and pulled yourself up, he took a good look at your body, compared to him, you were smaller, considered even weak, he could be the one who easily bends you over to fuck you, but he was weak enough to fall into your perfect tramp.

He tried to cover his boner when he went outside, grabbing a towel and loosely wrapping it around his hips, his v-line exposed, he covered you in another towel, and it didn't take long until you found a room downstairs, he was quick to take his boxers out, but when he tried to take your bra off you pushed him into the bed, "I don't think you understand how things are Alex... you're not the one in control... I am" You pinned his arms above his head, and if he wanted he could easily hover you over but something inside him stopped him, "And if anyone here is going to get fucked up, and bend over is you"

You spit on his swollen dick, spreading it up and down, "Fuck-"

"If you want to shove your dick inside me you'll beg for it" Your hand began to stroke him faster, squeezing your hand a little bit tighter, his eyebrows pushed together, his lips parted, and his mouth dry, then you slowed down, "Are you gonna be a good boy or a bad boy?"

"I swear I'll be good... please love, I wanna fuck your pussy, I know it's so tight, and warm... do whatever you want to me"

"You're so cute, you have no idea how happy you made me" Nothing has ever happened to him before, beg? you bet the girls were the ones who begged for it, gagged for it, but you had him right beneath you, trapped between your legs, begging to at least feel a little bit more of you, and it fitted him so perfectly.

You took your bra off, and his fingers ran up and down your waist, "You're so beautiful" He kissed you deeply, and you put your hands over him, curing that hunger inside him, allowing him to touch your body, one went up to knead your breast, while the other one gripped your ass tight, you moved your panties to the side, shoving his dick inside you, his thickness making your hiss until he was all the way in, your walls adjusting to his size, while he adjusted to your warmth, you made it harder for him not to cum at that moment.

"You feel delicious" You whispered, your breathing grows harsher, and your hips grind in circles, going up and down, it was so gentle, but feeling him fill you up so deep, it brought shivers up your spine, he held your waist in place, watching your every move, admiring each curve of your body, he let you take full control of him, "You could watch me ride you for hours" He was captivated, he couldn't stop himself from looking how his dick sinks inside you and glistens with your wetness, "You dirty little fuck" Your hips began to take the pace a little higher, arching your back and lifting your hips up and down, the moment you had called him like that something inside him had risen, you could see it in his eyes.

"Don't call me that" He exhaled, you look deep into his eyes, this was new to him, he wasn't used to being the one called like that, it made him feel so weak, and even a little fragile, he felt mixed emotions.

"A what?" You spat back, threatening him with your eyes, "Dirty little fuck?" You smiled, "Don't act like you don't love it" You kissed him deeply while grinding your hips against him, your walls clenched around him, and it only made you wetter that look in his eyes, his veiny hands, and strong arms, "Now shut up," You ordered, your hips grind rougher, now feeling the heat increase between your body and his.

The sweat on your chest glistened with the lights, your damp and wild hair, your eyes shooting stars, he was mesmerized by the amount of beauty, and hotness you carried, how your body rocks forward and back like tides, your mouth opens to moan his name.

"Tell me that you're all mine"

"I'm all yours" He whispered back in a trance, like you had him under a spell, "God, you're so fuckin' hot, babe... you ride me cock so good"

"If you like this... how about this" You switched the position, instead of facing him forwards you went backwards, so he could get a good look from behind as well, you knew he would love it, and his little whimpers were everything that you needed to hear to let you know how much he did.

"Fuck... don't stop" He tried to compose himself as much as he could, grinding your hips harder against him, following your pace with his hips, the shivers crawled up his body like little spiders, and his eyes rolled back, he pulled out just in time giving himself a few strokes but you took his hand away.

"Give it to me, I know you want it" He didn't want to though, he wasn't satisfied with the fact that you didn't get to finish and he did, but he couldn't help himself when you looked at him like that, your hand moving in just the right pace to make him finish, he groaned and made fists with the blanket, his heart at the limit, feeling it beat on his ears, but once he came down he saw you standing up from the bed fixing your hair, grabbing your bra from the floor.

"Where-"

"I had fun," You said, putting your bra back on taking your towel with you, and heading towards the door.

"But..." He breathed out, "You didn't get to finish... " He felt so stupid for not letting you finish first, that was the only thing he wanted, he just wanted to make you feel so high, but now he fucked it up, he felt guilty, and he needed to fix it.

"We don't always get to" His heart dropped when you grabbed the door knob. You seriously weren't going to leave, right? But you were, and that's when he stood up and shut the door again, he was more than confident, more than sure to take you there.

"Don't leave me," He begged you, "I'll finish you up, I swear" He sounded so confident, and desperate, you did consider it, after all, you had come here expecting to finish as well, "Please"

"How bad do you want to fix it?" You asked.

"So bad, please babe... let me make up for it, I'll show you how sorry I am" You liked the sound of it, the confidence he said it with, he kissed you with passion, walking backwards to the bed, slowly laying you down on it, he kneeled in front of you slowly opening your legs kissing your knees.

He slides down your panties carefully, taking a good look at your legs wide open for him, "You're drooling" You teased him, "Get on it" Your wishes were his command, and his tongue licked your wetness tasting every bit of it, devouring it, his lips sucked on your sensitive spot, your hand descending to his hair and twirling some strands between your fingers, his tongue licked everything that came out of your pussy, flicking your clit over and over, your legs began to shake, the pit of your stomach felt like it was on fire. The tip of his tongue circled your clit so lightly you quivered, he hummed with satisfaction when he felt you get closer, he never had tasted something so good in his life, and he loved to go down on you, he loved how your body arches, and rises with every lick. He slurped and gulped every drop of your arousal.

"How does it feel?-" You pushed his head in to keep eating you out, his warm mouth covering all your pussy, he was so eager to make you finish, he was giving all of him into you.

"It feels good... so fuckin' good" You moaned when his fingers entered your hole, looking for the spot to make you see stars, your stomach pinches like pins and needles, as you enter that state, the one where your legs couldn't move, forcing Alex's face down, sinking his fingers into you fucking you faster, while his tongue pressed down on your clit, "Eyes on me" He smiled at you when he felt he hit the spot you needed, your back arched, your eyes were shooting stars, "Holy fu- Alex!" He kept circling your clit with his tongue slowly dragging his fingers in and out of you, making you come down slowly from your high but still hitting that spot.

"That's it" He chuckled, "Do you forgive me?"

"Fuckin'- yeah I do" You answered him back both of you chuckling, he properly laid you down on the bed, him next to you laying on his elbow, resting his cheek on his knuckles, he was fascinated by every aspect of you, the roundness of your eyes, your pink lips, the redness of your cheeks, without him noticing he leaned in forward, and kissed you so tenderly, that when he broke the kiss off he sighed.

"Can I get your number or summat like that?"

"Maybe make me a margarita first and we can talk about it"

A/N

Hello! Missed me?

I wanted to say thank you so much for all the love you give my stuff, and all the requests you write to me are currently being worked on, being horny all the time is a dirty job but someone has to do it.

thank you so much for taking the time to read my stuff, you don't understand how grateful i am for it.

if you have more requests feel free to drop them or dm me.

follow me on wattpad for more! @ thegirlinkneesocks.

love you! <3

x

[9tzuyu]

dissolve (rewrite)

natasha x reader

note: this was just a huge vent fic idk. these type of fics seem to be the only thing im okay at writing. mistakes are mine as always. but i did proofread, yay!

if you want to read the original (as awful as it is) you can read it here!

wanrings: this heavily revolves around eating disorders.

i’m not tagging anyone because the content isn’t really the lightest to read.

words are used everyday, everywhere – whether to describe something or someone. there’s thousands upon thousands of them.

so you were having a hard time figuring out why you were struggling so much to justify your feelings through the basis of words. it was unnerving, draining and very annoying. your emotions should be simple, right? you were either sad or happy, angry or scared. but there was something more, something unexplainable. saying you felt alone only scratched the surface of the wave of emotion that took over. it was excruciatingly painful, far worse than any physical pain you ever had to endure. and for some reason it seemed to come crashing down at night while natasha slept peacefully. you weren't exactly sure how to express your emotions to the extent you felt them. how else was anyone supposed to understand your pain? they couldn't, not unless they could somehow shift into your body and feel your emotions themselves. but that was merely impossible as such powers do not exist. so you were inevitably stuck with words foreign to your lips. over the years you were deemed unsafe, a hazard, "an accident waiting to happen" you recall one doctor say. everyone’s eyes were on you at all times, monitoring every little movement you made. it was suffocating and at times doing more damage than good.

as an adult now you learned how freeing it could be without the fear of gaining weight or eating a bowl full of rainbow marshmallow cereal. your worth was not defined by your weight.

(at least that's what you believed prior to any relapses.) everything was going well in your life. you were a college graduate working as a psychiatric nurse and you had found love, something your teenage self could only dream of. natasha was by your side through everything. and really, the only downfall in the relationship was that she had to travel a lot for her job. but you were secure enough in your relationship not to worry or decide to call things off. in the end natasha always made up for it when she came back, so you couldn't complain too much. things were going well for you, really, they were. until they weren't. (and you didn't know why.) it happened out of nowhere. work was a little more stressful than usual, but it was nothing you couldn't handle. natasha had been away for three months, only stopping by a few times to check in on you. but again, your wife being away for so long wasn't anything new or worrisome. the two of you had followed the routine of her leaving and coming back more than a thousand times; yet somewhere along the way you lost yourself. food became less of a priority, your hunger decreased drastically, and within the first month you'd lost thirteen pounds. it truly was an accident, slipping into a full blown relapse was never part of the plan. but thirteen pounds lighter you wanted more, to feel small again. you didn't have an answer as to why you became so attached to your eating disorder, but it didn't seem like it would be letting go any time soon. the rate at which you were going natasha would most definitely be able to see a difference; not only on your weight, but in the person you once were. she'd ask what happened and why it happened, poking and prodding for an answer, but you didn't have one. so here you stood in the kitchen of your shared home, a cup of sliced fruit in one hand and your cell phone in the other. you poured the fruit into the bottom of a blender along with a spoonful of yogurt and half a cup of soy milk. another half cup of ice followed suit. while the fruit blended, you shamelessly scrolled through your instagram. there was nothing interesting going on in other people's lives, you didn't even know why you had social media in the first place. it was dumb, and quite frankly you didn't give a shit whether or not sharon went to the beach. the sound of your blender coming to a halt brought your attention back to the real world. you poured your smoothie into your water bottle. the green liquid would be your breakfast and lunch for the day - dinner was still up for debate. a soft sigh left your lips. work was beginning to feel more like a chore and less of something you enjoyed. you were quickly growing tired of it. nonetheless, you grabbed your keys and rushed out of the door.

you thought about the irony of working as a psychiatric nurse with an undealt eating disorder telling teenagers how to deal with their own issues. you felt hypocritical to say the least, especially given that all the nasty side effects were starting to make themselves known.

your hair was beginning to thin, small clumps of it already starting to fall out when you tugged a little too hard. bruises could be seen scattered left and right on your body, and you were cold. god you were cold. your fingernails were tinted blue, warmth seemingly too far out of reach. you looked ill, and it didn't go unnoticed by your coworkers.

a few hours into your shift you found yourself sitting behind the nurses station filling out paperwork. lunch had passed and when your coworker, steve, asked if you were going to eat something you lied straight through your teeth, telling him you'd grab something when the patients were eating dinner.

but steve rogers could read you like an open book. he knew you were lying because he already knew what was going on. the signs of an eating disorder were quite obvious when you were a licensed therapist. and despite your futile attempts at hiding it, everyone could tell something wasn't right.

steve played it by ear for weeks until he contacted natasha, but by then you'd already lost a considerable amount of weight. as soon as she heard the news, natasha booked the next flight home. unfortunately for her though, there was only one flight and she would have to wait two and a half weeks before being able to leave.

you didn't know it, but those were the longest two and a half weeks natasha ever had to wait.

– patients were having group therapy, so you could tune them out - not that you should, but it was hard to focus when the only two things you could think about were food and your weight.

the need to lose weight sounded so stereotypical for someone with an eating disorder, but honestly it wasn't about that. it was never about wanting to be thin. you genuinely didn't know why this was happening. the only thing you noticed was how rewarding it felt seeing the number go down, as if for you were good for becoming less. it was addictive. and it didn't help that you based your entire worth on how much you could lose.

the next time you stood up from behind the nurses station steve met you in the the cafeteria. while the patients ate you took occasional sips from your smoothie. the bottle was still full of its contents from the morning. you had completely forgotten to drink it during the day, but you didn't seem to mind it that much.

the surprise touch of steve's hand on your shoulder startled you.

i am gross, you thought. do not do that.

steve caught onto the slight flinch your body produced as a reflex, but he didn't say anything about it.

"you can leave early, boss said so."

he laughed as he saw confusion plaster your face.

"what? no!"

"go home, seriously. we have this handled. you know tony doesn't like being told no."

you bit your lip, puzzled by the sudden request. most people wouldn't mind being sent home early, but all it did for you was give you a level of anxiety reserved for food.

what you didn't know was that natasha was home waiting for your arrival. she came back just short of an hour after you left for work.

while you were gone natasha made a few thorough rounds in the house looking for key signs of your eating disorder. there was bound to be evidence given that you didn't know she was home.

unsurprisingly, natasha found a glass scale beside the counter of the bathroom floor along with empty bottles of laxatives in the trashcan. the food in the fridge had been expired a few days past their date, giving her the indication that you weren't eating as much as you should be. her concern grew even more when she found your food journal on your nightstand. flipping the pages, natasha could see that throughout the moths she'd been gone your calorie intake had decreased significantly.

guilt began to gnaw at the back of her throat.

during the few days natasha stopped by, she hadn't noticed anything wrong with you. but then again she knew most people with eating disorders were very good at hiding them up until the point they were discovered. three days wasn't near enough time for her to catch onto your tricks, not when her mind was still focused on her job.

natasha always listened intently whenever you would talk about your eating disorder, the first time being six months into the relationship on a date you felt like you had ruined.

but talking about it was much different than experiencing it with you, natasha had never done that before up until now. she read nearly every article there was about anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder and ednos. sometimes when you were asleep she would watch documentaries on the disorder, always making sure to keep her volume at a low level.

the videos that hurt her the most were the ones teenagers struggling with the simple task of eating food.

(although natasha knew it wasn't that simple.)

it hurt because she knew that was you at some point in time.

upon your arrival, natasha cooked dinner. she wanted to hold onto the one sliver of hope that steve was wrong - that he was just overreacting - but she knew in her heart he was right about his assumption. however, dinner would only confirm what natasha so desperately wanted to deny.

when you walked through the door you were greeted with the overwhelming scent of food. you cringed at the thought of having to eat, but as soon as you looked up to see the redhead who'd been gone for so long your frown was washed away. a wide smile overtook your face and you rushed to jump into natasha's arms.

"i missed you so much," you whispered. "i thought you'd be gone for another few weeks?"

natasha's arms found their way around your waist as your legs wrapped around hers. "what? i can't come home early to surprise my wife?" you giggled in the crook of her neck. she smiled feeling the vibrations against her skin, happy to know that you'd missed her just as much as she missed you.

she sat you down, back facing you, she tended to the food. "you've lost weight," she commented, not missing the sharp inhale of your breath.

"how was work, nat?"

she nodded to herself. yeah, she didn't expect you to be so open on the first try.

"it was fine. dinner's ready, i made your favorite!" natasha threw a smile in your direction as she carried the plates over to the table. she had hoped to see your face light up the way it used to, but seeing the panicked look in your eyes further confirmed your relapse.

if nothing else, natasha wanted you to have a meal before she brought up the conversation.

"great... i love it, thank you nat!" your attempt at being enthusiastic failed miserably and you knew by the look she gave you, she already knew what was going on.

but throughout the meal, and despite the shakiness of your hand as it gripped the metal fork, natasha didn't say anything.

you weren't really sure which was worse; being confronted or knowing the both of you knew what the other was thinking and still not addressing it.

natasha's meal was good, you couldn't lie about that, but each bite you chewed caused the tightening in your chest to constrict further.

now you couldn't be good. or worthy. or deserving.

nat took away your plate when you were halfway through. she knew your limits, and she didn't want to push you too much out of your comfort zone.

"go change, i'll wash our dishes. meet you on the couch?"

you did as you were told, taking as long as you could to do so. except this time was different. you didn't glance in the mirror like you usually did, you chose to fully take in your figure.

what you saw was not what you expected to see. for the first time in months you saw a version of yourself that wasn't twisted and turned to be something you didn't know was real or not.

your skin was dry, hair thinned out beyond your belief, eyes sunken and dark underneath. the revelation gave you an odd feeling – was once again something unexplainable, unjustifiable by words.

good.

that was how you were supposed to feel, right? after all of this time, after the many pounds of protection and warmth lost, you were supposed to feel good.

but you didn't. and you never would.

there was something so surreal about the realization of your own destruction. you were aware now, which meant you had to either take responsibility or choose to lose everything you worked so hard for.

"y/n?"

your wife's voice snapped you out of your gaze and you scrambled to pile your dirty clothes and rush out of the bedroom.

as you made your way into the living room you could feel the intensity of natasha's gaze. any other time you would not mind her green eyes looking at you, but this time around you felt like you were in trouble.

she patted the empty spot next to her, to which you reluctantly joined. but even after everything you still tried to play it cool.

"what's up? is everything okay?"

she gave a low chuckle, "you tell me."

"what do you mean?"

"oh i think you know what i mean."

natasha’s reply was met with the loudest silence you ever had to sit through.

she bit her lip, "you know i got a call from steve a few weeks ago. he's concerned about you, and from what he's told me so am i."

you were quick to respond, automatically knowing what steve’s phone call was about. "i'm fine. so what if i've lost a couple of pounds? that doesn't automatically mean that im relapsing, natasha."

your quick snap reminded natasha that this kind of confrontation was like walking on eggshells.

she tilted her head, licking her lips. "i'm here with you, always." nat put a hand to the side of your face, gently rubbing her thumb at the top of your cheekbone. "i'm here."

it seemed pointless now to try and say anything because your secret was already out.

your mind began racing back and forth.

you wanted to keep what you knew best and natasha understood that. even by reading your body language she knew what you were debating.

"you know, to keep it you have to give it away." your eyes darted to meet hers. "mhm. you can still have that piece of you. mourn it, grieve it, do whatever you need to do to move onto a stage where it doesn't hurt you. and from there you can help other people, share your experience, let yourself heal by helping others."

she paused, “we all have choices. some of those choices are taken from you while others leave you with only one option.”

although what she said seemed to resonate with you, there was one thing still holding you back.

"i just want to be good."

natasha hummed. you had explained it to her in the past, though your words were jumbled together as you tried to describe it.

"you can be good in other ways. you're allowed to live a life outside of the barriers your eating disorder puts in the way."

you swallowed the lump in the back of your throat. "i don't even know how it got to this point. in january i enjoyed ihop and dennys. in february i could have oatmeal and bananas, sometimes half of a sandwhich if i was feeling brave. now it’s march and i only eat one or two things a day. the idea of having a full meal makes me want to cry. and i just- i don't know how to stop."

natasha wouldn't show it, but your words cut through her heart like a knife. her mind wandered briefly to all the teenagers in the documentaries she'd watched, hoping you weren't too far gone into your eating disorder to ever come back. those cases scared her the most.

"you've got my complete support. you've tackled this before, maybe this time you can beat it? i know its easier to abuse your body instead of growing comfortable in it, but i think you’ve got this. i know you do."

"what about your work?" your question caused natasha to frown. "you think i wouldn't set my job aside for you?" you shrugged, it's not like you felt like you were worth being taken care of anyway.

natasha grew hesitant to tell you her news, but did it anyway because she’d rather you hate her than see you dead. "i've already made some appointments for you. the first one is tomorrow morning."

"i figured you would natasha. it's okay."

you spaced yourself out the rest of the day. each time you made the executive decision to recover, whether that be a genuine recovery or not, the process never failed to remind you that even trying to recover from an eating disorder felt like mourning the loss of a friend who was never good for you in the first place.

[viastro]

cafe chuu | lee chan

ミ★ synopsis: in which chan works at a cafe and you come in everyday asking for him to make you a surprise drink. [requested by @dreamingmira​]

ミ★ genre: barista!chan, fluff, humor

ミ★ warnings: none!

ミ★ word count: 3,290

ミ★ pairings: chan x female reader

ミ★ notes: hi guys! this was requested like over a month ago by @dreamingmira​! this is so long overdue i am so sorry omg. make sure to give lots of love to our boy, lee chan ! i hope you guys like it <3

“Ooo, here comes the guy who boosts all our sales!” Chan rolls his eyes at Soonyoung’s comment, walking into the backroom to put on his apron. 

“Shut up.” Chan says with a smile, taking off his jacket and putting it into his locker. Soonyoung leans against the wall, chuckling as he watches his friend tie the back of his apron on with ease. Yeri walks into the room to grab her water bottle from her locker, giving Chan a playful wink and finger guns, “He wasn’t lying though.”

“We just make good drinks!” Chan argues, and Yeri chuckles.

“Just admit it Chan, everyone develops a crush on you as you take their order. That’s why we have so many regulars! Did you know that every time I’m at the register someone asks me where you are?” Yeri tells him, wiggling her eyebrows for good measure. Soonyoung laughs at the expression on her face, causing Chan to chuckle as well. 

“You guys are crazy.” He mutters, turning around after closing his locker. He runs a hand through his hair before walking towards the front counter, ignoring the quiet squeals Soonyoung and Yeri make from behind him. Well, attempts to ignore.

“I’m your biggest fan! Can you kiss my coffee cup?”

“Can I have a mocha... with you on the side?”

“Oh my god! Good one Soonie!”

“Thank you, I try. I really try.” 

“I hate it here.” Chan says, causing Soonyoung and Yeri to crack up. He walks up to the counter, and closes his eyes once he realizes how many people are waiting in line. Soonyoung nudges him from behind, and Yeri giggles before heading over to the sink to wash her hands. 

“Hi welcome to Cafe Chuu, what can I get started for you?” Chan asks with a smile on his face, and he notices a blush immediately form on her cheeks. 

“U-um… you…”

“What?”

“I mean! What’s your best drink here?” Chan bites the inside of his cheek when he hears Soonyoung and Yeri start snickering behind him, and he has half the mind to turn around and pinch both of them. He lets out a breath, before giving the customer a smile.

“Well, I’d say…”

“Thank you! Come again.” The customer turns around and waves at Chan, before heading out the door, giggling with her friends. Chan lets out a small sigh, turning around and leaning back against the counter. It’s almost the end of his shift, and he’s quite literally exhausted from how many orders he had to take, as well as how many of them he had to make. 

“Head’s up Chan, someone’s walking in.” Soonyoung calls out from the sink, causing Chan to turn around and face the front of the shop. His eyes widen slightly when you open the door, the setting sun hitting your skin in a way that makes it appear as if you’re glowing. You run a hand through your hair, letting out a small huff as you walk up to the counter, staring up at the menu.

Yeri and Soonyoung both exchange looks as they take in Chan’s awe-struck state. It’s the first time they’ve ever seen him be like that rather than it being the customer. Yeri takes the chance to look at you, and she grins at the fact that you’re not bursting at the seams because of Chan.

“What a turn of events.” Yeri mutters, giggling to herself as she turns back to clean up the area near all the syrup. 

mmm, not really wanting a cappuccino right now… you think to yourself. You raise a finger to your lips, and Chan watches as you place it in between your teeth as you continue to try and decide what drink to order. Soonyoung turns and sees Chan with his eyes wide, bright blush on his cheeks as he stares at you, and he chuckles. 

You just got out of “work” at the advertising company you intern at, and you’re fucking thirsty. Not for water, no, you chugged a shit ton of that at work. Instead, you’re thirsty for a drink you’re unsure of at the moment. It’s one of those moments where you want to drink something but everything that comes to mind just… doesn’t feel right.

don’t really want hot chocolate either… you purse your lips to the side, before looking straight ahead and making direct eye contact with the oh neptune.

The cashier is the most gorgeous man you’ve ever seen in your 20 years of living. His hair is parted slightly to the side, showing a sliver of his forehead. He’s wearing specs and a sweater, overall giving him a soft aura. You find yourself internally quaking at the fact that he’s so pretty until you remember that you have a drink to order.

“Hi.” You greet, a grin breaking out onto your face when he just blinks at you. 

chan’s brain: ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod

“Hello?” You say again, and that’s when the handsome cashier snaps out of it. He runs a hand through his hair, another blush forming on his cheeks at the fact that he literally just got caught staring at you in awe. He gives you a small smile, and you find yourself smiling back. 

“H-hi! Welcome to Cafe Chuu. What would you like to order?” Chan stutters, and you hold yourself back from cooing at him. 

pull yourself together bitch.

“Surprise me.” You tell him, and he raises an eyebrow. 

“Surprise you?”

You nod your head, giving him finger guns, to which he lets out a startled laugh. He tilts his head to the side, before grinning and inputting a number into the register. You get ready to take out your card, only for him to just hand you a receipt. He turns around to begin preparing your drink, and you look at him with a confused expression.

“But I didn’t pay?” Chan looks over at you, giving you a warm smile. “It’s okay, it’s on me.” 

Your eyes glance down to his nametag, Chan. You raise your hand up your arm, rubbing your bicep as warmth floods your face. You nod your head at him, “Thank you, Chan.” 

“Of course. The drink will be ready in five minutes or so, you can go and sit at the tables while you wait.” He tells you, and you nod your head, walking over towards an empty seat. Once you’re far enough, Chan turns back towards the blender and lets out a breath, raising his hand up to his chest just to rub the area where his heart is. 

“Oooo~ does our star employee have a crush?” 

“I think he does~”

“That’s so cute~” Chan rolls his eyes at their teasing from behind him, reaching over towards the syrup and grabbing the lavender flavored one. You rest your chin on your hand, watching him from your seat as he prepares your drink. 

he has broad shoulders… epic… 

“Are you making a lavender latte?” Yeri asks in amazement as Chan pours the freshly brewed coffee into the container. He doesn’t respond, instead focusing on adding the lavender syrup and stirring it. 

“Yes he is.” Soonyoung answers for Chan, giving his friend the thumbs up when he nods his head at him. Soonyoung and Yeri both step up closer behind Chan, watching as he carefully pours the milk on top of the sweet lavender flavored coffee. 

“It smells good…” Yeri mutters as she takes a whiff of the drink, to which Chan chuckles. 

“I’ll make you some after this customer leaves. She wanted me to surprise her, so I did something that’s not on the menu.” Chan explains, and Yeri grins. 

“Okay, cool guy.” Chan chooses to ignore that comment in favor of putting on the lid and protective sleeve over the cup. Soonyoung and Yeri watch as he heads over to your table instead of calling out your order number, beginning to giggle to themselves.

“My God, I’ve never seen Chan whipped for someone before.” 

“This is the craziest day ever. Write this shit down in the calendar, we have to celebrate this day every year. It’s a new holiday.” Soonyoung hurriedly whispers, causing Yeri to reach for a pen and run over to the calendar on the wall. 

“Hi, here’s your surprise drink.” Chan tells you with a smile, placing the cup carefully onto your table. You get a whiff of the drink, turning to the cute barista and giving him an excited grin. “It smells sweet, which is perfect because I literally have a stroke when I drink coffee that doesn’t have any creamer or sugar.” Chan laughs at your comment, and you feel your heart warm at the fact that you were able to make him let out that wonderful sound. 

“I hope you like it.” Chan says softly, before turning around and walking back to the counter. You let out a small smile, looking down at the drink on the table. You pick it up, blowing the hole in the lid to try and cool it down. 

Chan, Soonyoung, and Yeri watch your reaction as you finally take a small sip. Chan lets out a breath of relief when he sees your eyes widen in surprise, a smile gracing your features as you move to take a larger sip. Yeri and Soonyoung grin at Chan, finding him acting like an awestruck puppy rather endearing. 

You stand up from the table, drink in hand as you walk towards the exit. You place your hand on the door handle, before turning around to glance at Chan. Soonyoung and Yeri immediately duck behind the counter as you turn, and Chan has to hold back his laugh. You give him a small wave, “Bye Chan, thank you for the coffee.” 

He waves back at you, and you watch as his eyes sparkle at you, “I’m glad you liked it!” 

And with that, you turn and walk out of the cafe. 

While Chan sinks to his knees, letting out a happy squeal into his hands. Soonyoung and Yeri immediately hound him, teasing him for every little thing.

“Hi welcome to Cafe Chuu-” The words die in Chan’s mouth as he looks up from the register, locking eyes with you. You have half your hair tied back, and he takes notice of the pink ribbon in your hair and he almost explodes. You’re staring at him with a shy smile on your face, and he lets out a breath at your beauty.

“Hi Chan.”

“Hi.” He breathes, and Soonyoung chuckles at how awestruck his friend is once again. 

it’s been like one day and he’s still in awe, he thinks to himself as he watches the tips of Chan’s ears turn red. 

“W-what would you like to order?” Chan stutters, and he looks down at the floor, reaching his fist up to his mouth and biting it at the fact that he fucking stuttered. He internally curses himself, but you giggle at his nervousness. He lowers his fist at the sound, looking up and seeing you smiling at him. 

“Cute.” You mutter, before looking back up at the menu, thinking about what to order. Chan bites back a grin, trying not to giggle like a baby at the fact that you called him cute.

me!! she thinks i’m cute!!!

“Chan?”

“Yes?”

“Can you give me another surprise drink?” You ask, looking down from the menu and making eye contact with him. He purses his lips, before giving you a thumbs up. “Heck yeah I can.” 

“Let me pay for it this time!” You add, handing him your debit card. Chan chuckles, taking it from you and swiping it, before giving it back to you. You flash a bright smile, shooting him finger guns once again. “I’m excited for what you’ll make me this time.”

“You have too much faith in me…” Chan trails off as he doesn’t know your name, and you feel your heartbeat wildly in your chest as he waits for you to tell him. 

“Yn, my name is yn.” 

“Yn… that’s a beautiful name.” He mutters softly, and you feel heat rise to your face. You immediately turn around and walk towards an empty table, cupping your cheeks with your hands to try and make the warmth go away. Chan watches you walk away, a lovestruck smile on his face. 

“I’ll take over the register, you go make her drink.” Yeri says from behind him, snapping him out of his daze. Chan thanks her, patting her shoulder before walking over to the different tea assortments. He grabs the matcha green tea, officially getting into business.

You watch him from your table, the small smile never leaving your features as he makes your drink. You feel your heart skip a beat when he looks up at his coworker, letting out a laugh laugh at a joke he makes. You cannot believe that someone like him exists, being both handsome, cute, and sweet all at the same time.

i bet he even feeds stray cats. 

Chan turns and locks eyes with you, giving you an excited grin and pointing at the cup of milk he just frothed. Your small smile grows even bigger, lifting your hands up and making a thumbs up. Now satisfied with your reaction, he goes back to preparing your drink.

oh my god i bet he respects elders.

Chan carefully pours the tea into the cup, then the froth over the tea. He sprinkles a bit of matcha powder mixed with sugar over the frothed milk, before putting on the lid and the protective sleeve. He walks over to you, ignoring the stares you and him receive as he places it onto the table. 

“How come he never delivers the drink to me when I order?”

“Is this a new company policy? If so, I love it.”

“Ugh, he’s so cute.”

“Ooo, I saw you using matcha back there. I’m excited.” You tell Chan, and he grins down at you. You carefully take a sip, and your eyes widen once again at how tasty it is. You look up at him, giving him a thumbs up, and he smiles widely. 

“It’s so good! Thank you Channie!” His eyes almost bulge out at the nickname, and he turns and coughs into his elbow to try and hide the growing blush on his cheeks. “Y-you’re welcome yn.” 

“Really, this is so good.” 

“I’m happy you like it.” Chan says shyly, and you smile. He turns around at the sound of Soonyoung having trouble with the register, and he chuckles. “Duty calls!” 

You wave at him as he turns around and walks off, and this time he shoots finger guns at you, causing you to laugh. He grins happily, returning to register and giving a kind smile to the customer waiting to order.

“Hi! Welcome to Cafe Chuu, what would you like to order?”

Chan lets out a sigh, taking a sip of water as he hangs up his apron. It’s the end of his shift, and he’s ready to go home. At the same time, he doesn’t want to head home just yet, and that’s for one reason and one reason only.

You didn’t visit today.

It’s been a month since you first came to the cafe, and you’ve visited everyday since then. Or at least, every time Chan is on his shift. The two of you have somehow gotten closer. If the cafe was busy? Then he’d just write a cute note on your cup and deliver it to your table. If there weren’t many customers? He’d sit across from you after handing you a drink, and the two of you would get to know each other. 

Chan discovered that your favorite flowers are lilies, and you find the sky to be prettiest when the sun rises. Not when it’s a foggy morning and you can’t see anything, but when the sky has brilliant splashes of pink, orange, and sometimes purple as the sun rises across the horizon. It fills you with a sense of calm.

While you learned that Chan’s a dancer, and he works hard to master his craft. He goes to work during the day, then at night he goes to a studio and creates choreography. You also found out that Chan does, indeed, feed stray cats outside of his apartment complex.

the epitome of a good man.

Chan likes you. He likes you a lot. Seeing you come into the cafe, whether it be in the evening after you got off your shift, or early in the morning before you go to the subway, just being able to witness your smile has him in a good mood for the rest of the day. He’s come to look forward to your visits, so you not coming today has him in a bit of a sad mood. Soonyoung and Yeri noticed, both letting out giggles at how upset he looks as he steps out of the backroom. Chan glances up at them, giving them a glare, before walking over towards the door. 

“We’ll see you tomorrow Channie!”

“Yeah, yeah.” He mutters, stepping out of the cafe. He takes in a deep breath of the fresh night air, feeling a wave of relief hit him. He turns, beginning to walk towards his apartment complex as the stars begin to come out. 

Chan lets out a small sigh after a few minutes of walking, “I wish she came today.”

“Chan!”

“It’s like I can still hear her.” He says softly, simply coming to terms with the fact that he just imagined you calling his name. It’s not like you were running towards him from behind, trying to get his attention or anything.

“Channie!!” 

“Damn, it really is like I can still hear her.”

“Lee Chan!” Chan finally turns around at the third call of his name, realizing that he’s not just imagining it. His eyes widen when he sees you running towards him, a smile on your face when you finally catch his eyes. As soon as you’re a few feet in front of him, you double over, wheezing. 

“Holy SHIT. I haven’t ran that fast in like... three years.” 

“Are you okay?” 

“Yeah, I just. Zoo wee mama.” You suck in another breath, before standing straight up, giving Chan an apologetic smile. “Sorry, I just got out of my intern thing. Boss kept me a bit later to try and teach me a new program on the computer. Training stuff, you know the deets.” 

“Oh! It’s okay yn, don’t worry.” You let out another breath, trying to hold back your giggles as you recall Yeri and Soonyoung telling you that Chan was moping around during the end of his shift when he realized you weren’t coming. However, as soon as they told you he left, you ran in the direction they told you he went in until you finally saw him. 

whipped !!

“I, uh. Do you wanna go eat at the convenience store with me? I didn’t have dinner yet.” You offer, and Chan stares at you with the familiar awestruck expression you’ve gotten used to. He lets out a soft smile, nodding his head as he looks into your eyes with nothing but adoration. “I’d love to.”

You hold your hand out, and he glances down at it for a moment. Slowly he reaches out, intertwining his fingers with yours. You let out a breath, finding that your hand fits his like a glove. 

a perfect match. 

“Let’s go eat unhealthy ramyun!”

“How many are you going to eat?”

“Probably like, three.”

“Jesus Christ yn.”

“What else did you expect? I come to the cafe everyday and ask for a surprise drink with lots of sugar, this should be expected.”

“I hate how right you are.”

[flindersarcade]

My safe hot drinks 🍁

In honour of fall / autumn 🍂 coming in for Americans (and my continual cold despite the weather) here’s some hot drinks!

Hot chocolate 🍫

Misery Hot Chocolate - 15 calories

Tastes like hot chocolate if you squint... I drink it before every school test for the energy and fullness it gives me! Honestly kind of a miracle

Ingredients

Hot water

Almond milk (unsweetened) - 7 cals

Teaspoon of unsweetened cocoa powder - 7 cals

Shit tonne of fake sweetener - 1 cal

Teaspoon instant coffee - 0 cals (optional)

(Half a teaspoon of cornflour / cornstarch - 10 cals COMPLETLY OPTIONAL but makes it so thick like a fancy cafe)

Method

Pour boiling water into a mug. Add cocoa, sweetener and coffee and stir because it’s gonna CLUMP. I mean you can stop here and not add milk but I’m assuming you’re not a psychopath so just splash in a tiny bit. Cry as you drink this abomination

Tea ☕️

Chai masala - 7 calories

If you can bear the weight of how culturally incorrect this is compared to the creamy delight that is actual chai masala, this is incredible! You can sub in honey, or my favourite sticky honey chai I don’t since honey has so many calories it terrifies me :/ sucks because I keep bees

Ingredients

Chai loose leaf black tea mixture - 0 cals

Almond milk (unsweetened) - 7 cals

Sweetener - 0 cals

Method

Fill your cup with a tiny bit of milk then up to the top with water. Pour this into a little saucepan, add the tea and put it on the stovetop. Boil it then simmer for ages like 7-10 minutes until it smells good. Strain into a cup, add your preferred sweetener (or don’t) and drink that creamy incredibleness

Matcha 🍵

Matcha latte - 10 calories

Genuinely my favourite drink. Allegedly good for the metabolism but honestly who trusts that. If you can froth your brand of almond milk do it’s so good

Ingredients

Matcha powder (don’t buy the weirdly cheap health supermarket one it’s a bad idea it’s so grainy and bitter honestly just buy like the second cheapest or it’s unbearably bad ok rant over) - 3 cals

Almond milk (unsweetened) - 7 cals

Sweetener - 0 cals

Method

Boil your water, then add a little tiny bit of cold so it’s not boiling. Idk I heard it on a podcast it stops it burning or something don’t ask me. Whisk in a tiny bit of matcha with a fork while wishing you owned a cool bamboo whisk. Drink it in a tiny bowl if u want to be fancy - bonus of warming up your hands!! Sweeten and pour in your almond milk (or drink without)

Coffee 🎃

Pumpkin spice latte but it’s really goddamn sad - 10 calories

I’m not American so I couldn’t drink a real one if I wanted to but according to the internet the high cal version is pretty similar to Starbucks. I get the feeling someone is lying. Either way it tastes good to me! Get into the Halloween spirit

Ingredients

Watered down shot of espresso - 0

Pumpkin pie spices (cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, cloves etc) - 0 (at least I don’t count it)

1 tsp pumpkin (you can use a purée but I just grab a chunk of cooked pumpkin) - 3 cals

Almond milk (unsweetened) - 7 cals

Method

You can use a blender but who has time to wash that. Take your pumpkin and add whatever spices and sweeteners and some hot water and MASH IT!!!!! Until it’s liquidy enough that it can dissolve. Add your coffee and almond milk and stir until you can just pretend it isn’t lumpy. I would Not recommend drinking the last few sips it will be sludge but the rest? Pretty good

Dirty tea 🧉

London smog (hear me out) - 7 calories

Ok so every time I mention this to someone they look at me like I’m crazy but I swear it’s good. Works really really well with chai too!!!

Ingredients

Earl gray / lady gray tea bag honestly just any flavour you have - 0 cals

Shot of espresso - 0 cals

Almond milk (unsweetened) - 7 cals

Sweetener - 0 cals

Method

Boil a kettle and brew your tea strong. Add it to a cup and sweeten as desired. Add a shot of espresso and some almond milk. Cross my heart it’s good

Tips:

Almond milk calculated as .2 of a glass of unsweetened! Feel free to use any amount of any milk if you don’t have a ridiculous fear of milk like I do :D

Honey will make most of these drinks 100 times better

If you have any sugar free / low calorie drink flavouring things add them and let me know how they go!!

You always deserve the full calorie version. If you are looking for permission to have a 300 calorie hot chocolate, this is it. Go ahead. You always deserve food. Never limit something you enjoy.

Send me pictures and let me know if you like these!!!(particularly the London Smog and pumpkin, my irls think I’ve lost my mind and I’d like some backup)

Enjoy and stay safe <3

[drariellevalentine]

Medically Inevitable

Chapter 5- Heartfelt Housewarming

Warnings:- Alcohol

Characters:- Arielle Valentine, Ethan Ramsey, Sienna Trinh, Landry Olsen, Elijah Greene, Jackie Varma, Aurora Emery, Ines Delarosa

Pairing:- Ethan Ramsey x Arielle Valentine

After a night of restless tossing and turning, you get up skipping your usual morning routine and head into the shower. Stripping yourself of your clothes, you step into the shower, hoping the hot water washes away yesterday’s events. You close your eyes and everything comes flooding into mind.

“Dr. Valentine, your post-op patient is in distress!”

“What happened? She was fine two minutes ago!”, you say.

“Fluid buildup in her lungs, she can’t breathe!”

“Heart rate’s above 160. It’s in atrial fibrillation!”

“BP’s crashing, she’s hypotensive!” Everything swirls around in confusion. You’re frozen in place, unsure of what to do.

“What do you want us to do?” Your mind is jumbled. You can’t focus.

“Dr. Valentine! What do you want us to do?!”

You’re wrenched out of your reverie as your bottle of body wash drops to the floor.

“Arielle? You okay?” Sienna asks.

“Yeah, just dropped something. Be out in a sec.”, you pull back the fogged glass door and grab your blush coloured towel, which matches your room’s aesthetic. You remember the day you went out shopping with your brother’s girlfriend who also happens to be one of the huge fashion icons and designers, to buy everything you needed for your apartment. After drying yourself off, you slip on a silk robe and leave your bathroom to see Sienna and Landry waiting for you.

“Hey.”, you say plopping down on the furry bench at the front of your queen sized bed.

Si comes and gives you a hug. “What happened yesterday isn’t your fault, okay.”

“I know. I just can’t stop thinking about what would have happened if the nurses hadn’t bailed me out yesterday.”

“You can always go over your cases. It helps to be prepared.”, advises Landry.

“Thanks Landry.” They exit your room as you head into your closet to get dressed. Deciding on a teal wrapped top, a navy blue pair of leggings, matching boots and accessories, you grab your mini backpack which you packed last night and head to the kitchen.

“Okay. I have 15 minutes.” You throw some strawberries, a banana, and vanilla almond milk into a blender and grab a straw. Pouring the smoothie into you regular glass, you pop a straw and grab a protein bar. You have breakfast as you scroll through your messages with 10 minutes to go. Washing out the cup and placing it in the dishwasher, you head out to your car, protein bar in hand. You play a few tunes as you drive all the way to Edenbrook, singing along.

You park your car and head towards the locker room to drop your belongings. Heading into the atrium, you notice a huge crowd of interns. Entering the atrium I find it full, some interns scattering around, while the others are pushing each other to get in front of the crowd where Dr. Ramsey is standing with a piece of paper on his hands.

"Gather around interns," Ines's cheerful voice rings through the atrium.

"Back! Back! Christ! You all are like a bunch of rabid dogs!" His angry voice announces.

Sienna, Landry and I go and join the crowd where Elijah and Jackie are already present. Tiptoeing I try to get a better look at the paper. But it's really hard to see it from here.

"Wow! It looks like everyone signed up for the competition," I state shocked seeing the huge list in front of me.

"Of course they did. It's an opportunity for a lifetime!" Landry says excited.

"Yeah exactly, only a complete jackass would think about passing it," Jackie smirks .

"Gee, thanks!" I roll my eyes playfully.

"How about this? Whoever ranks the lowest picks up the keg for tonight's party?" Elijah suggests.

"I like the way you think," Jackie says and then turns around to check the list.

"Great! Sienna already whipped up a few treats and she’ll be going shopping to pick up the rest of supplies while we decorate the house. I told everyone to come by 8," Elijah grins and Jackie turns around to look at him.

"What do you mean by everyone?" Landry questions.

"My question exactly," Jackie adds.

"You know the other interns," Elijah smiles.

"I have told a few residents about it too," Sienna says, "And also a few nurses." Sienna kinda blushes? You make a mental note to ask her later.

"Guys, our place is nice but not that big! We have to keep it small," Landry states.

"You have a point," I start to say and look over at Elijah whose expression turned into a sad one. "But it's about tonight only! And it's not like everyone we invite is gonna show up," I smile a Landry, "Chill out dude."

"Famous last words..." Landry says, his voice low.

"I can't believe I am about to throw an party at last!" Elijah chimes.

"Ooh! Are you talking about you homecoming party tonight?" Ines asks from behind him.

"You've heard about that?" I ask surprised.

"Everyone's heard about that," She smiles.

"Cool. So are you coming?" I return the smile.

"Yeah. And do you guys mind if I bring Zaid along?" She asks sweetly.

Dr. Mirani. In a party! That's beyond my imagination.

She must have seen the hesitation on our face so she starts to explain, " I know his sense of humor isn't everyone's cup of tea but he's loads of fun at a party. Trust me."

"Of course," I smile trying to remove any trace of the hesitation from my face ," The more the merrier."

"He has a sense of humor?" Jackie acts shocked after I Ines leaves and I nudge her playfully. And the rest of my roommates shoots looks at me.

"What? What'd you expect me to say?" I ask shrugging.

They all give me a fake angry look before looking forward where Dr. Ramsey just pinned our score sheet.The crowd of interns moves forward threatening to cush him.

“Now you can stop badgering me with quest about where you stand.”, Dr. Ramsey’s cold voice announces. “If you would like to challenge your rankings, fell free to swing by my office and I’ll immediately disqualify you. Good day.”, his nonchalant voice adds before walking away after pining the ranking sheet.

“Is it just me or is he more grumpier than usual?”, Sienna asks quietly so that only the five of us can hear.”

Jackie shrugs, “He’s probably annoyed cause he has to pick an intern.” The crowd of interns slowly disappear leaving the gang and a few other interns in the atrium. We look towards the board to check our rankings.

“Let’s see who’s number one.”, Landry says looking at the list.

“It’s Aurora, that little-", Jackie stops when she sees her but it’s too late.

“Please continue!”, she sneers.

“That little colleague whose aunt signs my checks.”, Jackie painfully finishes.

“Jackie...keep reading.”, Sienna nudges her.

“I’m fourth. Fine, I guess. Landry’s seventh, Elijah’s tenth.

“And Arielle you are- nineteenth," she says kinda surprised.

"Nineteenth? Looks like you are on the keg duty Valentine," Elijah says.

"It's okay. I just need to work harder," I say.

"Are you sure? I mean you are not me but you aren't that bad," she says playfully trying to lighten up the mood and at the same time establishing a point- I deserve more than the 19th ranking. "Are you sure Dr. Ramsey doesn't have it up for you?"

“No, I think it's what I deserve. I just need to work harder and it'd pay off," I force a smile.

You rush after Dr. Ramsey to update him about Shonda.

“Dr. Ramsey!”

“Yes?” He turns to look at you but he seems rather distant.

“I wanted to update you on my post-op patient from last night.”, you tentatively say.

“You mean the ones that the nurses had to intubate? I’ve already been informed.” You wince waiting for his berating...but it never comes. You’re surprised.

“Aren’t you going to berate me?”

“No. I have work to attend to and by the look on your face, I gather that you already feel bad.” He turns to leave.

“Wait!” He turns to look at you. “I wanted to invite you to a housewarming party my friends and I are hosting later tonight. It’ll be a nice breather from work.”

Ethan’s PoV:-

You’d never thought an intern would invite you to one of their parties. You’re about to agree when you remember that you have work to do. “I’ll have to decline.” Her face falls. “But I appreciate the invitation.” She turns to leave.

“Rookie. Wait.”, you find yourself saying. “What the hell are you doing, Ethan!”, you think. She turns to look at you.

“All my patients are stable. What do you need?”

“Radiology just received a new f.M.R.I machine a week ago but they haven’t tested it yet and I’m getting impatient.”, you reply.

“You want me to stick my brain so you see all my deepest secrets? Alright!” You laugh.

“Follow me.” You lead her to the equipment room. You’re about to tell her what she needs to do until you realise that she’ll need to take off her shirt. “Shit!”, you think. We’re doctors, surely this is normal! you try to convince yourself.

Arielle’s PoV:-

“You can keep your shirt here any make sure you take off all jewellery.” He gestures to your earrings, necklace and many rings. Then it hits you. “I’m going to be half-naked in front of my boss. Why did I agree to this?!” You turn around, facing the wall and take of your shirt, revealing your matching teal lace-up bra. Great day to wear a lace-up bra, thank god it doesn’t have any metal! You turn sideways and take off all your jewellery, shoes and ID. “Done. Now what?”, you turn to face him.

Ethan’s PoV:-

You gulp at the sight of her. You’ve never seen someone so pretty in just a simple pair of leggings. The sight of her long violet ombré tresses cascading down her shoulders- “Shut up Ramsey! She’s your intern!”, you think. “Have you taken off all metal?”, you gesture to her very lacey bra.

“My bra isn’t wired so I won’t have to take it off.” You’re thankful for that. You bring the syringe of gadolinium near her. “Sit here and lean back.”, you instruct her. Palpitating her veins, you inject the gadolinium, trying not to focus on the scent of vanilla and cinnamon from her. You dispose the syringe. “You help her onto the machine, instructing her not to move.”

“Why do they make these damn machines so high?”, you hear her mutter. You stifle a laugh.

You head into the adjacent room, turning on the machine. “Is my voice audible?”

“Yes. It’s loud and clear.”

“Okay. Can I start?” She agrees. “If these questions are too personal, tell me and I’ll ask something else.”

“You do realise that I’ve already told you a lot about my personal life, right?” You ignore that.

“What is your middle name?”

“Cerise.” (Cherry in French)

“Cherry?”, you ask. Your lips quirk up.

“My mother named me Cerise for two reasons. One, her main pregnancy cravings were cherries. Two, apparently my lips were the colour of cherries when I was born.”, she answers. You see her temporal lobe glow.

“Do you have any favourite childhood memories?”

Her hippocampus, neo-cortex and amygdala glow. “I do. When I was little, I would visit my godfather every Friday evening and stay there until he would drop me off at school Monday morning. I would enter the house and he would have all the ingredients lined up for some kind of dessert or pastry as long as it had chocolate. We would bake together, laugh and talk and I would tell him about all the stupid things that would happen in class.” You smile at the thought of a little Arielle baking.

“Okay. Tell me about one of the happiest days of your life.”

“Probably when my niece was born.”

“You have a niece?” You’re surprised. Her prefrontal cortex glows very brightly.

“Her name is Arabelle, Belle for short. It was an unplanned pregnancy and there were some ups and downs, but the moment she came it was absolutely beautiful. To become an aunt and hold your niece in your arms for the first time, it’s one of the most beautiful things in life. She turned 4 years old a few months ago... Is the machine working properly?”

“Yes, it works alright. That’s enough questions.” You power down the machine and go back to the equipment room, when you hear a thud. You rush into the room to find Arielle getting up from the floor.

“Ooh! Very hard floor!”, she rubs her arm.

“How did you manage to fall down from the machine?”, you ask while helping her up.

She shrugs, her lips widening into a grin. “There’s a reason why my brother calls me Calamity Cerise!” She pulls her shirt back on, along with her jewellery, ID, and shoes. She saunters over phone in hand and shows me a picture. “This is my niece Belle.” She pulls up a picture of an adorable 3 year old dressed in a powder blue fluffy gown. Beside her is Arielle, wearing a beautiful matching dress with a huge smile on her face.

They look absolutely adorable.

“She’s cute.”, you respond.

“She is, isn’t she! She wanted a photoshoot for her birthday. This was one of the pics.”

“Thank you… for the assistance, Dr. Valentine.” You turn to leave. You’re about to ask her when the party starts, but you stumble on your words and leave.

Arielle’s PoV:-

You’re just finishing your shift as you notice the time. Your shift ended early, so you decided to go with Sienna to help shop for the party. You text her and meet her at the parking lot.

“Hey Si, ready to go?”

“Yeah! I made a list of all the things we need to buy!” You take your car and drive towards Walmart.”

“Okay, so I’ll pick up the plates, cups, and other stuff. You pick up all these snacks.” We’ll meet at the dairy section in 20.” You head towards the snack aisle and pick up tortilla chips, crackers and a few other snacks that Si told you to buy. Hmm... we need drinks! You head towards the drink aisle where you find Bryce.

“Hey Bryce! What are you doing here?” He whirls around, his face breaking into a smile when he sees you.

“Elle! I thought I would buy a little something for the party.” You notice the bottles of tequila in his hand.

“Aww Thanks! Now, help me in getting those Sprite and Fanta bottles up there. I can’t reach.” He laughs and picks them up from the shelf with ease, placing them in the cart. You lead him to the dairy section, where you find Sienna waiting for you.

“What took you so lo-Hi Bryce!”

“I found Scalpel Jockey in the drinks aisle.”

“Okay, so I already made a bunch of desserts, we just need different cheeses and meat. I’ll head towards the deli and you two find some blocks of cheddar and gruyere.” She heads off.

“Okay, let’s go for cheddar, mozzarella, gruyere and pepper jack. I’ll get some vegan versions.” You slide over to the non-dairy section and pick up a few items and drop them into the cart. “All done, Bryce?”

“Yeah, found everything! I’ll stand in the billing aisle, you go bring Sienna.” You go to the deli section and bring Si over.

“Did we get everything Si?” She goes over the list. “Yeah, Jackie and Elijah said they’ll bring the beer and a few other drinks so we should have everything.” You finish billing and head to the parking lot. Bidding goodbye to Bryce, you head to the apartment to find the place fully decorated.

“We were wondering when you guys would show up. We decorated everything already!”, says Landry.

“Great! Elijah, you can help me whip up some dips while Landry and Jackie set up the rest of the food.”

“I’ll go pick up the keg stand and a little something special.” They give you a questioning look. “It’s a secret!”, you sing as you head out to your car. Picking up the keg stand and karaoke machine takes longer then you expected. By the time you come home again, the apartment is packed. Bryce comes and helps you with the very heavy stand.

“What’s in there?”, he asks pointing to the other box I had in my hand.

“I called in a favour and got us a karaoke machine. Give it to Elijah, he’ll hook it up.” You head to your room to get dressed. You pull out a fitted black crop top with a sparkly violet miniskirt. Brushing on a little lipgloss, you decide to focus on your eyes and add a little eyeshadow to your usual makeup. Lastly, you take your your hair from the Dutch braid you purposely did this morning, your hair falls in thick curls. Spraying on a little hairspray, you quickly take a pic and post it with the caption ‘Housewarming party ready!🥳’

By the time you come out of your room, the keg stand is completely set up.

“Arielle! You’re going first!”, Elijah yells.

“Hell No! Scalpel Jockey can go first.”

Bryce saunters over and starts while Elijah sets the timer. “1..2..3...........25...28”- Bryce flips over, as the people cheer.

“I’m feeling a little woozy.”, he sits down. You step up, putting you hair up in a loose bun.

“Ready Arielle, 1..2..3..Go!” You flip over, planting your hands on the ground and kick you feet up in the air as you guzzle down beer. “1..2..3..4.................30..”, You’re getting really lightheaded. “43..44..45”, You flip back to the ground and sway like a pendulum until one of the surgical interns steady you.

“Damn Arielle! 45 seconds! Anyone want to top that?”, Elijah shouts.People line up after you’re lead by Ines to sit down. She gives you a glass of ice cold water as you turn to see Zaid at the keg stand. You nearly spit out the water in your mouth at the sight. He surprisingly managed for 20 seconds. He takes a seat beside you as the surgical intern who steadied you goes next.

“I don’t know why you youngsters do this to yourselves!”, Zaid grumbles.

“Me either!”, you answer as your stomach rumbles. You forgot to eat lunch.

You head over to the snacks area where you have a few of Si’s mini treats.

“Yo Arielle!” You turn around to see Elijah yelling from standing on a ‘stage’. You head over and see the karaoke machine fixed up.

“How in the world did you manage to get a karaoke machine at this caliber?” You smile.

“I have friends in high places. Now who’s going first?” Bryce and a few surgical interns hold a riff-raff as you and a few others cheer them on. Bryce wins, that guy has got pipes. Now comes duet rounds. Jackie saunters over, partly drunk.

“So this was the surprise you were talking about.” You nod. She suddenly drags you to her the stage. You see Elijah manning the controls.

“Now for the one and only, Jackie and Arielle! What song will it be?”

“None Of My Business” You laugh, she still manages to choose a sassy song when drunk. “You ready Arielle?” They’ve never heard you sing, so they’re in for quite a surprise. You turn to the screen, blue for Jackie, pink for me and purple for both of us... sounds good.

She starts, her voice bold and sassy, a little bit of her accent shows through.

“Damn, I heard you and her been having problems”

“She likes to fight, I guess you both have that in common”

“Go Jackie!”, Si yells.

“Started at the top but now you at the bottom”

“But baby, this is none of my business”

“You think you can top that Arielle?”, Jackie asks with a smirk. You don’t know if it’s the alcohol coursing through your veins from the keg stand or the sugar rush from Si’s treats, but you know one thing for sure, you’re going to give them a show. You keep your voice sultry and sassy.

“You moved on, that a wrong, been a while, baby”

Jackie’s shocked. “Damn Arielle, where you been hiding those pipes!”, Bryce yells. You smirk and flip your hair.

“So did I (so did I, so did I)”

“Took her home to your home”

“But trust me that ain’t on my mind (on my mind, on my mind)”

You start slowly moving your upper body to the beat, flipping your hair for extra flair.

“I-I-I-I-I, I-I-I-I-I”

You and Jackie both belt out, her taking a lower range while you hit that high. Elijah and Bryce whistle.

“I saw on my feed”

“She looks a little like me”

“I-I-I-I-I, I-I-I-I-I”

“I can’t help but see”

“It’s not jealousy, no”

You both finish off the song receiving a huge applause once finished. You saunter over to Jackie, “Is that up to your standards, Miss Varma.” She smirks and heads off.

You decide to get a drink and enjoy the rest of the duets. A while later, someone taps your shoulder. You turn around to see Bryce. “Elle, you have to sing with me. I may have bet a 100 dollar bottle of whiskey to Mark and Rosa that i would sing much better than them but I can’t find a partner.

“Fine. What song?

“Trampoline.” You give him a look. “Please?” You let him drag you towards the stage for the second time.

“Looks like you found a partner Lahela.”

Elijah announces the rules in the mic to the huge crowd, “Listen up! Bryce and Arielle will sing the same verses as will Mark and Rosa. It’s up to you guys to decide which pair is better!”

You know you’ve had one too many drinks, and Bryce had to choose one of the sultry songs. You turn towards the screen. Pink for the girls, blue for the boys and purple for all. You and Bryce are up first.

You start singing in a breathy but sultry tone.

“I’ve been having dreams”

“Jumpin’ on a trampoline”

He matches your tone, going just a bit deeper.

“Flippin’ in the air”

“I never land, just float there”

“As I’m lookin’ up”

“As I’m lookin’ up”

“Suddenly the sky erupts”

You both sing together, his voice hitting those deep notes while you hit those whistles.

“Flames alight the trees”

“Spread to fallin’ leaves”

“Now they’re right upon me”

The alcohol in you takes over, you start swaying your hips to the sultry beat gaining the attention of the crowd. The surgical interns whistle.

“Wait, if I’m on fire”

“Then how am I so deep in love”

“When I dream of dying”

“I never feel so loved”

You and Bryce reach the peak of the song, him singing that low bass as you match his tone at a higher pitch, leaving the crowd in awe. Bryce sings the next few lines, leaving you to sing the beautiful breathy chorus.

You both finish after alternating lines and earn whistles and applause from the crowd. Bryce saunters up to Rosa and Mark, “Think you can top that?” Mark forks over a hundred dollar bill and walks away.

“I believe that you owe me a thank you.” He sweeps you up into a hug.

“Thank you so much Elle. Come over some time, I’m sharing this with you.” He heads off. You sing a few songs with Sienna, Ines, Jackie and Elijah until you find yourself winded.

You’re heading out to catch a breather when you notice the crowds of people laughing and drinking. You see Si standing alone and head over. “Hey Si, where’s Wayne?”

“Oh! He had to go home. He has work tomorrow morning.” You frown.

“Si.” You give her a pointed look.

“I know, he was really rude. But I promise he isn’t always like that!”, she says.

“Okay Si, I believe you. But if you need someone to talk to, I’m here okay?” She nods and heads inside as Elijah wheels past.

“Hey Elijah, don’t you think the party’s getting a bit out of hand?”

“Sienna cleared it with Farley until midnight.” You look at him.

“Which is in 10 minutes.” He’s about to respond when a girl about your age walks near.

“Could I squeeze through?”

“Yeah, of course.”, you respond.

“Are you guests of this rager or...” You smile. “It’s ours. I’m Arielle and this is Elijah.”

“Hey...”, you can see him blush. He totally likes her.

“I’m Phoebe, I live right down the haul.” You can’t stand to witness anymore of this cuteness and decide to play Cupid.

“Hey Elijah, why don’t you show Phoebe around and let her play a game or two.” You turn to Phoebe. “He’s really good at beer bong.” They nod and head inside as you smile. Suddenly Landry rushes towards you, followed by Jackie.

“Someone just ratted us out! I saw Farley entering the building!”, Jackie says.

“What are we going to do? We can’t possibly get this in control by the time he gets here!”, Landry says.

Shonda’s advice comes back to you. “Okay! Here’s what we’re going to do. Landry, break out the board games and sit everyone down. Jackie, tell everyone to go inside and quiet down. I’ll placate everyone with leftover treats. Go! Between the three of you, with some help from Sienna, Elijah and Phoebe, you manage to get everyone under control. You rush towards your room and slip on a robe just as the doorbell rings. You open it and act nonchalantly as your roommates shush everyone. “Hey Farley, is everything alright?”

“Miss Raines, I received a complaint about your party extending the duration of time and the level of noise.”

“What? Everyone already left and I was getting ready for bed.” You ‘yawn’.

“My apologies Miss Raines, carry on.” He turns around and leaves. “Mission Accomplished! Now, everyone stay quiet please.”, you say as everyone cheers quietly. The party slowly dwindles down until your roommates and Bryce are the only ones left.

“You don’t have to help clean up, Bryce.”

“It’s alright Elle. Also, how come you never told me you could sing? I actually thought that you were lip syncing.” You laugh.

“I learned to play the piano at a very young age. Singing just came naturally. It was one of my mother’s favourite hobbies.”

He smiles. “I think that’s the last of the trash. Goodnight Elle.” He kisses me on the cheek and leaves. I smile thinking I might have just found another brother.

After locking the doors, you head back into your room to sleep. You slip off your clothes and drop them in the hamper. You put on a silky white pajama set and enter you bathroom. You wash your face with a face wash and pat it dry. Skincare has always been something that is very important to you, especially when Naveen has taught you so many tips and tricks from his Indian heritage. You start with your usual eye cream to get rid your dark circles, eyelash serum and lastly a night moisturiser.Then you lightly braid your hair and flop into bed, tucking yourself deep under the fluffy blush coloured blanket.

You wake up to ‘Dancing With Your Ghost’ by Sasha Sloan. You slip on a matching robe and head out to the kitchen for your tea.

“Good Morning Ari!” You notice Elijah at the dining table and greet him back. “Look who was up all night.” He points to the sofa. You walk over and notice Danny sleeping, Sienna lying on him peacefully. You take your phone and take a photo without them noticing.

You tiptoe back towards Elijah and show him the picture. He smiles. “Honestly, Danny would be a much better match for Si, Wayne wasn’t like anything Si described.”, you say.

“Ari, that’s enough playing Cupid. You’re going to be late if you don’t get ready.” You notice the time, no tea for me today! You head towards your room to get ready.

Later that day, you’re walking in the pristine white halls of Edenbrook when you get a page. 911 for Mrs. Turner! You run to the stairs.

I charge into the room to find her in respiratory distress, the nurses running around to help her.

"She's crashing again?" I ask the nurses, shock and fear clearly noticable in my voice.

"Yeah, just like last time," Marlene answers.

"Body temperature is skyrocketing. She's in AFib, her B.P. is crashing and she's got a pulmonary edema," Danny informs me her condition but barely a word enters my brain.

My mind's got blank the second I saw her lying unconscious in the hospital bed.

Get a hold on yourself Arielle! She's your patient, you need to help her. She'd die under your watch if you don't act quickly!

"What do you want to do doctor?" Sarah asks.

"I-I-" I try to say something but my brain gives up. I can hardly form a coherent sentence.

"I want to... breathe," I say, panic rising with each passing second.

"What?" The nurses stares at me shocked. But despite that I take a moment to myself and breathe.

I close my eyes.

I can do it. I have to do it. I just think.

I just have to guide the nurses. Calm down Arielle. You've got it.

I count upto three, to calm down and subside my tension.

"Here's what we need to do.”, I open my eyes.

"Sarah prep the I.V. We have to get fluids in her. Marlene get the ice packs and cooling blankets. Cool her down so that she doesn't get heat stroke."

"Right away Dr. Valentine," Sarah moves to get an IV stand.

I turn to Danny then. "And Danny get the defibrillator. Then we intubate."

"On it doctor," he says and rushes to get the equipment. After dealing with the patient, you head towards the ER. Later, when you’re heading for your lunch break, you come across Dr. Ramsey.

“Rookie. I heard you kept Mrs. Turner alive.”, he acknowledges.

“I did.”, a small beam of pride hits you. He turns and walks away when one of his files fall down. You reach down and can’t but help notice the quizzical patient name, ‘Patient X’ as you pick up the chart. He quickly turns around and quite rashly pulls the CT scan from you.

“Thank you.”, he hurries down the hallway. You wonder who it could be, and why he is so secretive.

[lemonlushff-iy]

Summary: Kagome comes home to Montana from her new life in California…only to be greeted with hostility and the demons of her past. Some mistakes can never be forgiven. She just hopes that maybe this one can.

RATED M / NSFW

Story inspired by Clearwillow​’s “New Moon Ride”, written with permission and for the March 14, 2020 White Day celebration…and slowly uploaded much sooner…

Read parts 1-7 here

One Last Ride - Part Eight

His tongue felt fuzzy and it was far too bright in the room. A pounding headache drilled through his skull, and he wanted to just roll over and die.

Fuck...what had he done last night?

He wanted to try and remember, but his splitting headache was making that far too difficult right now. God damn! Who the hell was turning on a blender at this ungodly hour?

What time was it anyways?

He rolled over with a groan and just barely pried open an eye to grab his phone and wake it up.

9:00 am

Why did he feel like he was running late?

Something in the back of his head told him he needed to get up.

Right now.

Wait.

FUCK!

Souta's graduation!

Inuyasha pushed himself out of bed and stumbled around his room, rummaging through drawers to find a nicer pair of his jeans and a button down, white tank top, and undergarments. He rushed to the bathroom, turning on the water and jumping in...even though the water was still freezing.

He was almost worried his balls would never recover from the shock factor, but he needed to be a man and suck it up.

In and out.

That was the goal so he wouldn't smell like whatever the fuck he smelled like. He gave himself a quick once over with soap, only hitting all of the necessary areas before he was throwing the shower curtain open and tripping over the  bathmat. His head smacked into the mirror over the sink across from the tub, and he let out an embarrassing whimper.

God dammit all to hell!

When the fuck had the bathmat bunched up?!

Fuck!

His head was already throbbing. He didn't need this shit too.

Inuyasha placed his hands on either side of the sink, trying to take deep, calming breaths and not tear the bathroom to pieces. Ma would never forgive him. And then he'd be down a bathroom.

Showering out back in the open wasn't exactly something he wanted to do.

Then again...he wouldn't mind it if he had an appreciative audience…Someone with black hair and stormy, blue grey eyes...

His eyes widened. Where the hell had that come from.

He didn't have time to contemplate it. He needed to down half the bottle of Advil in the medicine cabinet and like, four god damn gallons of water. Why the hell did he drink as much as he did yesterday? He remembered playing the drinking game with Kikyo, but that alone shouldn't have caused this.

Fuck, did it even matter right now?

He pulled the bottle of pills out of the medicine cabinet, opening the top and popping a few into his hand before throwing them back and swallowing. He did his best to towel off, shave, and get ready before running down the stairs.

Coffee. He needed coffee.

And all the goddamn water in the fucking kitchen.

"Well!" his mother greeted, seeing him enter the kitchen like a bull in a china cabinet. "Would ya look who's finally awake! I take it you had a grand ol' time last night!"

"Great time," he groaned, looking for a coffee mug and she moved to stand in front of the coffee pot.

"Oh no young man...You better not be thinking about getting coffee...I know you know better than that…"

She wasn't...oh you had to be fucking kidding right now.

"Ma...I ain't seventeen anymore."

"No...but you sure as hell act like it! Do you know the kinda scare I had last night? Seeing Kagome dragging your drunk ass home?"

That gave him pause. Kagome? Why the hell did she take him home? She was out with her friends. He was out with Kikyo...Come to think of it...How the hell did he get home last night? It hurt too much to think about that right now.

God fucking damnit he needed some godamn coffee!

"Ma, I don't have time for this," he rumbled.

"And you do not use that tone with me!" his mother scolded, crossing her arms over her chest, and he heard his father's near silent chuckle come from outside.

"I'm sorry Ma," he ground out through his teeth, "but I have a really bad hangover and I really need some coffee before I go to Souta's graduation.

His mother arched her brow and picked up the coffee pot, pouring the last little bit down the sink, and he paled.

"If you're going to behave like a delinquent, then you can suffer through the consequences of your actions. Maybe you'll learn now since I clearly failed to raise you right!"

She was digging in deep today huh?

"I cannot wait until I’m done building my damn house so I can move outta here!” he snapped, a low growl rumbled out from his chest, and his mother sent him out to the front porch, yelling at him about manners and respect and he honestly stopped paying attention, the sheer volume of her anger only making his ears ring. His headache wasn't any better and he didn't get his fucking coffee.

Fucking fantastic.

He slumped down into a chair next to his father who only smirked at him, holding out his coffee cup.

He glanced at it wide eyed before grabbing it and downing the remaining coffee in a few deep gulps.

"Thanks Pops," he smiled weakly, handing the cup back to him.

"You're welcome," he replied, a smirk still tugging the corner of his lips. "I take it you had fun last night?"

"I'm sure I did - I just can't seem to remember how much fun and what kind right now."

"If you can't remember, maybe you had too much fun."

"Not you too," he groaned.

"Nah," he chuckled, "I think your mother already did a fine job. And...don't tell her...but I'm not upset. Disappointed that you mighta been a little reckless...but you're a hard working man, son. You're allowed to blow off a little steam every now and then. I'm just surprised ya did it on your date."

"It was Kikyo's idea," he groaned, resting his head in his hands. "She wanted to play a drinking game."

"Huh. Liking the girl more and more. Just don't tell your mother. She wouldn't approve."

"And she's all for this...I know."

His mother had been ecstatic when she had first heard that he and Kikyo were talking. She loved her for reasons he didn't quite get. Not that there was anything wrong with Kikyo, but she hadn't reacted this way about one of his prospects since...not since Kagome.

His ears swiveled towards the road as both men heard a car approach, and his father stood with a groan, patting his son on the back.

"Don't get into too much trouble today, ok? I can't take another night of calming your mother...No matter how sexy she gets when she's angry."

"Pops!"

"Have fun now!" he chuckled, going back inside and Inuyasha sighed as the car pulled up. Kagome was in the driver's seat, her mother next to her.

That put Souta in the back with him.

Great. The back.

This would be fun.

He opened the door and slid in, trying to look cheery, but he wasn't quite sure he hit the mark.

"Morning sunshine," Kagome greeted chipperly as he buckled himself in, glaring at her. "Don't give me that look," she chided, picking up a thermos from the cup holder and handing it back to him. "I brought you something."

He raised a brow in question before opening the canister and groaned as the sweet...or rather bitter...smell of coffee floated up to his nostrils. He inhaled deeply, sighing.

"I love you...thank you."

He didn't realize what he had said and who he had said it to until after he had drank some of his sweet, sweet coffee and he saw Souta giving him a bewildered look.

"I—"

"—Don't worry about it. I know what you mean," Kagome smiled weakly, turning around to regard him with a soft look in her eyes. "You had a hell of a night and I figured you might need it. Your mother wasn't thrilled when we came home."

"She wasn't that thrilled this morning either," he muttered, slumping down in his seat, and he heard Kagome giggle...the sound and her gesture tugging at his heart strings, drawing an unbidden whimper from his throat.

Fuck. Today was going to be a hell of a day.

Why had he said that?

Fucking fuckety FUCK!

He didn't even love her anymore, but it had flowed off of his tongue so easily. Like an unchecked habit.

The rest of the car ride had been painfully awkward despite Kagome's mother doing her best to diffuse the tension. Between his hangover and that hell of a blunder, his day was off to a great start.

And he still couldn't remember much of the night before.

He remembered a lot of making out with Kikyo…

Maybe some pool?

But nothing more concrete than that.

Inuyasha glanced over at Kagome as they sat in the auditorium, listening to their old principal give some long, boring speech about the future and starting a new chapter of their lives and blah, blah, blah. He was pretty sure the guy used the same damn speech at their graduation.

He couldn't have mixed it up a little, could he?

"So what exactly happened last night," he whispered nervously, and she tilted her head to the side towards him.

"You mean you don't remember the hot, hot sex we had?" she whispered back, bewildered, and his brain completely shut down as his throat went dry.

...They...What?!

"We...I…" 

How the hell had that happened?

The fifteen year old in him was snarling that he had gotten so drunk that he couldn't remember his deepest teenage fantasy becoming a reality. She had been the star of his every "dirty" dream. For years she was the woman he had imagined touching...caressing...fucking...making love to…He had imagined her screaming his name in pleasure as their bodies slid together so many times...but he couldn't remember it when it actually fucking happened for real?

Yeah. The teenager in him was beyond pissed.

The adult in him, however, was mortified that he would do something so completely and utterly stupid. This woman had destroyed him. Left him hollow and broken and miserable for years. She had left a shirt in his room unintentionally after they broke up...he was ashamed to admit that he had clung to it at night for months after until her scent finally disappeared and he tucked it into a box under his bed.

A box of Kagome. Photos and ticket stubs and little things that reminded him of her had been abandoned there, left to rot away and forever be forgotten.

What really puzzled him was the lack of "sex" smell when he had woken up. Sure, he smelled like shit...but shouldn't he have still smelled some trace of...that on him?

"I'm kidding," she snickered, and he relaxed a little...but his heart still grew oddly heavy and bitter.

"That wasn't funny," he hissed, and she raised an eyebrow at him.

"No? You don't think so?"

"Not even a little. Can't you be serious for one goddamn minute?"

"I thought we were trying to be civil?"

"Yet you're the one jerking me around!"

Kagome took a deep, calming breath before fixing him with a hard look.

"You want to have at it again? Fine. We can do it again. But not here, and not now.

No. I don't know what you did last night.

I just know that you and Kikyo were in no shape to be driving so I left the girls to take both of your sorry asses home so you wouldn't crash and die. So you're welcome," she snapped.

His jaw twitched before he forced himself to grind out a barely audible thank you through clenched teeth.

They sat through the majority of the ceremony in silence...but he didn't need to talk to her to know what she was feeling. He could feel and smell the pain and frustration and guilt radiating off of her in nearly tangible waves. He felt this old, long forgotten, yet familiar desire to comfort her and apologize bubble up from the pit of his gut...but what the hell did he have to apologize for? She was the one fucking with him!

She was always the one toying with him like he didn't fucking matter...

"Do you still have a hangover," he heard Kagome whisper, and he told her he did. He watched her silently reach into her purse, taking out a small reusable bottle of water and a ziplock baggie with a handful of pills.

"Here," she said handing them to him, and he felt his heart ache again as he accepted her peace offering.

"Thanks," he whispered, throwing some of the pills back before handing everything to her.

"Keep it for a while," she advised, nodding towards the water bottle. "You need to re-hydrate. I brought it for you anyways."

"Ok," he smiled wanly, and she weakly returned it.

Soon he heard the closing music start to play and the graduates walked back down the aisle, ready to meet their family outside of the auditorium in the warm June sunshine.

He stood, following Kagome and her mother outside to find Souta, where they all shared rounds of hugs and 'congratulations', and 'we're so proud of you's.

Inuyasha happily volunteered to take photos of the small family, a strangely content, honored, almost paternal feeling washing over him as he did.

"Inuyasha dear, why don't you come take my place? You should be in a few photos too."

He was about to refuse, but thought better of it. Mrs. Higurashi wanted him in a few photos. He couldn't say no to her...so instead he swallowed, nodded, and took her place to the left of Souta. His fingers accidentally grazed Kagome's arm as he wrapped his around the young man's shoulders, and he noticed her straighten in surprise, clearly restraining herself from shooting him a questioning look. Instead, she moved her fingers from Souta's back to his arm, giving it a gentle squeeze.

He could feel the heat from her skin radiating through his shirt, burning him. Scorching everywhere she touched.

He didn't know why...or what the hell came over him, but his hand left Souta's back to give her arm a light squeeze, and her scent changed.

Remorse.

His eyes flitted to her face and he was surprised to see her looking at him, her eyes pained.

What he wouldn't give to ask her what she was thinking now...What he wouldn't give to comfort her...

His breath caught in his throat.

No.

He didn't care. 

He just had to last the week, then she was gone. Off to her life in California, just the way she wanted it.

Unless her boss let her stay. Which was highly unlikely.

"Inuyasha...Kagome...Smile! It's a happy day," Mrs. Higurashi encouraged, and he watched Kagome turn away from him, shooting the older woman a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.

He followed her lead, and a few minutes later, they were done.

A friend called out to Souta, drawing his attention from his family, and one of the teachers came over to speak to the proud mother, leaving him alone with Kagome.

He felt the heat of her eyes on him and he awkwardly glanced at her again, confirming his suspicions.

"Yeah?" He asked a bit more roughly than he intended, and Kagome snapped her attention away from him.

"Nothing."

"I don't think ya'd be looking at me like that if it were just 'nothing', Kagome."

She turned to regard him again, her lips pressing into a thin line as she told him, "Honestly? When you shave, you just look more...you. The you that I remember, at least. It just...everything is taking me back to our graduation day. "

He remembered it well. It marked the beginning of the end. One last summer together.

"Huh," he muttered, and she rolled her eyes.

"You and your damn 'huh's."

"What...you don't like 'em?"

"I never have."

"Huh," he smirked, doing it intentionally this time, and a small smile graced her lips before she turned her attention elsewhere. "I was just thinking that maybe I should grow it back out if that's what this makes you think of," he explained rubbing his chin, unsure of why he felt the need to.

"You look handsome either way, Inuyasha," she disagreed. "You always have. You should do what makes you happy. You don't look like a boy if that's what you're worried about. I don't think you could. I was just...I guess I was just feeling nostalgic."

"So...I look like a man now, huh? A handsome man?" He drawled, and she rolled her eyes again.

"Don't start."

"I didn't. You did. You started this whole conversation about my facial hair."

"And if I would have known that it would lead to this I would have kept it to myself."

"Mhm…" he agreed. "Maybe. But you didn't. And now I know you still think I'm handsome. Gotta say, it's kinda nice knowing you still think I'm attractive after all these years."

"I've always been attracted to you, Inuyasha...but you've always known that, haven't you?"

Yeah. But that hadn't been enough, had it? In the end, she still left him. Why hadn't he been enough? What was he lacking that made him not good enough? What was so wrong about him that...that she didn't want to be with him anymore? He had told her he'd wait...and he had fucking meant it! It didn't matter how long it took. He'd still be here for her.

That was part of the problem, wasn't it?

She never had any intention of coming back.

Even for him...the man she "loved".

"Inuyasha?" Kagome whispered, pulling him away from the dark turn his thoughts had taken. "What's wrong."

"Nothing," he growled, startling her, and she straightened, confused but prepared to fight him again.

"Inuyasha!" a light, airy, feminine voice called out, and he watched Kagome's face morph into a mask of indifference as Kikyo waved.

"You should go to her," she encouraged.

"Kagome…"

"Inuyasha!" Kikyo called again, and Kagome waved him off, leaving him to stand by her mother and join in the conversation with their former teacher. He knew a dismissal when he heard one.

He spun around on his heel and greeted Kikyo, smiling as she shyly took his hands.

"The set up looked great...Thank you again for all of your help."

"It was my pleasure," he replied, trying to smile, but his conversation with Kagome and his previous dark thoughts hadn't quite loosened their grip over him yet.

"Listen...last night…"

"Was fun?" he supplied, and her smile only brightened.

"It was," she agreed. "I'm sorry for making you drink so much though...I didn't mean to let things get that far out of hand."

"It's ok...I'm still here ain't I? Somea last night is a little hazy still...but I'm glad you're ok."

"Me too. Glad you're ok, I mean. And that I'm ok," she blushed. "I guess we have Kagome to thank for that…"

"So I'm told," he mumbled. Damn. He wished he could remember what happened.

"We were that bad, huh?"

He could only shrug. "I guess it's been awhile since I drank that much," he admitted.

"I wasn't very nice to you during that game. I learned a lot of interesting things about you though…"

His eyes widened nervously.

"What kinda stuff."

Kikyo's face turned bright red as she stood up on her tiptoes to whisper into his ear. "Little things...like your favorite position for sex. Maybe we can try it out soon?"

He swore he turned bright red as she leaned in to kiss him, and he heard Souta catcall in the background.

"Damn!"

He smirked when the boy yelped. He couldn't confirm it...but he was pretty sure Kagome had smacked him upside the head.

She was jealous.

He'd be sure to give her something to be jealous over then...and he deepened the kiss, pulling Kikyo closer and sliding his hand into her hair. When they parted after several long minutes, her lips were swollen red, her pupils dilated, and her hair only slightly mussed up.

"I gotta go," he murmured apologetically, and she swallowed, nodding. "Call me later when you have a minute? Maybe we can set up another date...to try out that thing you talked about."

"Yeah...ok…"

___________________

That’s better right? Lighter? I thought it was lighter. One and a half more parts guys and then that’s it! I’m posting all I have for chapter 10 for white day too...because I want people should feel like it’s ok to post those, and lead by example, right?!

Wall of tags! Let me know if you want in or out!

(If you get tagged in this post after requesting tags, it’s because that’s how I’m keeping track of them. If you requested a tag and aren’t there, I might not have seen it so please ask again!)

@clearwillow, @keichanz, @dangerouspompadour, @nartista, @kaze-ranna, @superpixie42, @sticky-llama-perfection, @pinkpigeonstudio, @mcornilliac, @itzatakahashi, @zelink-inukag, @juliatheanimelover7, @csim28, @smmahamazing, @the-lucky-ones311, @cyncyn981, @animemomma96, @ayari17, @underwater0phelia, @sailorbabydoll92, @l-taisho29, @clearwillow, @animelove1313, @littlemissinukag, @gofoulpuppycollector​, @umacaking​, @chanin29​

[jacktherph]

jack, my friend!! i hope all is okay. i'm wondering about your experience as a barista?? are there things about its portrayal in the rpc that are inaccurate or annoying to you?? being a barista is probably the most popular job characters have on here!! what impact does being trans, ace, queer have on your workplace environment if you don't mind talking about it?

oh man olivia, oh man. you’re gonna have me GO aren’t you?? i’m doing better ilusm bb

okay so disclaimer that i’ve only been a barista at sun-dollars (think of synonyms) for a year now. i’ve never done it at some fancy, privately owned shop, and my experience isn’t that of everyone else!! i’m also pretty damn low on my totem poll, too, so keep that in mind

so when i was hired, i worked at a small cafe store for a few months; small outside patio, small parking spaces, located in a tiny strip mall off a main road, maybe a max crew of 20 or less?? but now we all relocated to one of the busiest drive thru stores in our district; large outside patio, giant inside seating, one of the only stores with a conference room in the CITY, a drive thru that pretty much… never stops, and a stand-alone building on the same main road. and wow what a difference there is

this thing ended up being super long so it’s under a cut

note:: this is really for people looking to portray accurate, non-dramatized versions of barista life, and the whole thing is largely fueled by personal experience. hope it helps??

on THE JOB ITSELF :

if you think its an easy job, please get out of my face. if you think it’s super complicated and hard, there’s a bit for you to learn here. and most importantly–if you think fucking with a barista is fun, go to hell

firstly–there is a lot to remember. there’s the drink standard; how the drink is supposed to be made without any customization. then there’s whatever people add and change about it. then there’s “i asked for five mocha pumps but this tastes like you didn’t put five in, remake it.” and then there’s “i think i know how a drink is made, but i don’t, but i’ll still tell you how to do your job.”

there is a specific routine for making drinks called SEQUENCING that we’re supposed to learn as soon as possible. it ensures that, if you’re on bar, you are always making part of a drink and finishing another. steam milk, queue shots, turn and start blending a frappuccino, while that’s in the blender turn back and finish the hot drink, hand it out, steam another milk, queue more shots, turn and pour frappuccino, hand it out, etc etc etc

personally, i’m not the best on bar. i know people who are stunningly gorgeous at it – who can sequence without fail. but it requires a LOT of mental work. not a lot of room for talking unless there’s only one drink or two to make. any character who is “skilled” at being a barista probably doesn’t spend their shift talking, but working in hasty silence when it is busy

being on register is my personal skill. i always work drive thru orders. yes, we have specific buttons for everything, but with as many combinations as sun-dollars has, there’s still an infinite number of ways to mess it up if you don’t know what you’re doing. and if the order comes out wrong, it gets made wrong, and then the barista on bar gets the brunt of the abuse from the customer and has to mess up their sequence by remaking it

on TIPPING YOUR BARISTA :

at sun-dollars, we’re paid just slightly above minimum wage and a huge chunk of our money is tips, which at a store of our size are still under a dollar earned an hour, then divided by how many hours you worked, and how many people worked that week and their hours too. tips don’t always add up to much, because people never think about tipping us

but here’s the thing. we make everything by hand just like someone would at a restaurant. sometimes more than once if one little thing is wrong. we burn our hands on hot coffee and water, we slip and fall, we haul heavy things around. even if you don’t see it, we do it. so please… tip your barista because we make everything and serve it to you just like at any other food business

on MONEY EARNED :

a part-time barista position, maybe working 25-30 hours a week with included tips, is NOT ENOUGH TO HAVE AN APARTMENT ON. not anywhere outside of fantasy land anyway

take that example. if i get 10.55/hour, and work 25 hours one week and 16 the next (which is a GOOD week for me, holy shit), and my tips are… $15 for both weeks, then I’ve made around… $475~ after taxes are taken out. no. so many of my fellow partners have second, third jobs. or their spouse earns the majority of the money. or they still live at home–like myself. it simply isn’t a job you can live on independently

i.e. this is a callout to the “barista who somehow lives without a roommate and doesn’t constantly complain about how hungry they are” trope

on WRITING ON CUPS :

yes, sun-dollars used to write on cups. but now we have a sticker system that is ten times more efficient. yes, we still write on the cups if our machine goes down, or if we have a messed up drink, any number of things. but it isn’t common for a busy store to write on cups daily anymore

that being said, let’s talk about our big fave trope: muse a writes their number on the cup for muse b because they flirted at the handoff plane. YOU CAN GET FIRED FOR THIS. it is immediately a fireable offense, no questions asked. i know it ruins the CUTESY moment but it’s a thing. best to keep your ship intact and employed by having them ask when the barista is on a break. 

yes, we misspell names. it happens. whether your fingers slip up on the touch screen or you just didn’t hear it right. but no barista i know would risk their job and security by purposefully writing a malicious name on a cup. end of

on CUSTOMER CONNECTION :

the cafe store had been around for years in a community where snowbirds (old people who come to the warmth of arizona for the winter) are the largest customer base. that, plus the small crew, meant that the partners (baristas) had a long-established rapport with many of the customers. i remember on my first official day working, so many people kept telling me “my usual” and my partners had to keep reminding the customers to order properly, since i was new and didn’t know them yet

but once i got to know the regulars–and it definitely took a lot of time–it showed me the incredible connection people have with their baristas. we joke that as baristas, we’re unpaid therapists with a coffee in hand. people tell their barista SO MUCH. but it’s fascinating, really; sometimes it’s just plain oversharing, but sometimes you just get to be connected to a person you see every day, even if it’s only for a minute or two

now, at my drive thru store, i have my personally labelled “night regs” who i see pretty much every time i work. i know their names, their orders by heart, and sometimes stuff about their family or lives. and for those who are grateful, you’d be surprised the brightening affect on someone’s day it can be when you remember their order and ask them about something they mentioned last week

recently, a family who comes through my drive almost every day suffered a loss in their family. i could tell something was different because they weren’t joking around with me. they ended up sharing and it brought us really close. they even came to visit me when i worked on christmas day. recently, they had a family bbq and actually drove all the way to the store to bring me a plate of leftovers because of an inside joke we all have. i don’t give them discounts–big no no–or free drinks. they pay like everyone else. but we’ve grown really close and they make my work day nicer because i know i’m making people happy

so often when i see people writing baristas, the character is a certain archetype: the aloof one, the bubbly one, the romantic one, for examples. but i think the connection between a barista (even an introverted one like myself) and a regular is really undervalued!! the fact that we have worked so hard to maintain that customer personal connection with our regulars even though we have thousands more people a week has really shown me a lot about how people interact with one another

on RUDE CUSTOMERS :

it takes a LOT to kick someone out of a store. like a LOT. we’ve only ended up kicking out one person because they were repeatedly stealing from our food display, and then we could only do it once we got proof. so no, being rude to the barista once isn’t an offense that can get them removed. somehow

people are rude. collectively. some are nice, but people are rude. whether it’s the cranky person who insists they ordered their drink iced but the sticker says hot, the person who repeatedly asks “is my drink ready?” even though the sticker line is as long as i am tall, the person who demands their drink be remade for any reason valid or otherwise with a big attitude, or the drive thru car who has an attitude because they expected to be in and out but their wait time is 15 minutes because the car ahead of them ordered for their entire church. people will find a way to be rude, even if they don’t know it

what do we do? we smile, apologize and take blame, and do it over. especially at sun-dollars; the customer IS ALWAYS RIGHT. welcome to the service industry

on ACCEPTANCE :

i’m very lucky when i can say sun-dollars is a very accepting environment. being a trans and queer partner, i had my identity accepted right away by my coworkers. i also make it a point to let them know that if they have any questions about my identity, they can ask it to my face within reason. this has led to some really heartfelt interactions with my fellow partners, because it was how they learned some things about identities other than theirs

customers… well it’s touch-and-go. i live in a primarily… single-minded area. but i know i’m not the only one who knows this – being trans in a workplace is a touch-and-go thing. i’ve had people who only hear my voice call me “miss” at the speaker and correct themselves to “sir” at the window when they see my beard. i’ve had stubborn old people refuse to say my name. you still have to serve them, and personally, i avoid correcting people to avoid any sort of confrontation

my specific workplace is very personal; we know a lot about one another’s personal lives. what else is there to talk about when cleaning? some partners have been insensitive, but we talk it out and it’s done and fixed. sometimes we snark at one another using personal jabs, but that’s something we all participate in. and we know where the line is and not to cross it. but i’m sure many workplaces are like that

on ETC :

you will get messy. i end a time on bar with my fingers sticking together, my arms covered in fake-tan from chai or frappuccino roast pumps, and one partner told me once she went home to find mocha in her belly button of all places

you clean the bathrooms too. in all their shitty mess. and people treat public bathrooms terribly. but doing bathrooms is also a good release from the business of the bar

that drive thru headset? paid-for walkie talkies. yes, we gossip, we laugh, we trade jokes. we rag on customers out of earshot. let us have fun

WE DID NOT INVENT OR TAKE PART IN THE SECRET MENU. we cannot make your drink unless you tell us how it’s made. we’re not gonna google your weird invention when we have other things to do. you either come prepared, or you get something else

if you’re going to pay separately for a large order, TELL US FIRST

there will always be that one partner you hate working with. it happens in every job. there will always be that crew you love working with. you don’t always get to choose when that happens. c’est la vie

if it’s closing time, customers need to LEAVE. this is an issue of safety for when we work with money. even your best friend, your spouse, or your elderly mother cannot be inside the store during closing

at sun-dollars we have a weekly thing called the “clean play,” where people come in after the closers and do a deep-clean of the store. we rock out to music, enjoy there being no customers, and have fun. good setting for fellow workers!!

don’t give us pity on holidays. you’re the reason we’re there

i once had a woman come in half an hour before closing, and she was so mad we didn’t have the food box she wanted that she called corporate to complain. we now have more waste at the end of the night because we have to order so many boxes so we never run out

sometimes you’ll have to run out before or during a shift to pick up product from other stores

people take it personally when you finish a seasonal beverage. really personally when you’re out of anything, really

seeing regulars outside of the workplace will always be awkward. some even ask if you remember their drink. you might

people will complain about things out of your control. smile and nod and say you’ll let your manager know

when in doubt, give it to your shift supervisor

ADDITION :: my wonderful friend @morbidrpa​ wrote about her experience as a barista/manager in a smaller, single-location coffee shop. go check it out for varied experiences!!

[feitanswife]

How to kinda sorta feel like an adult/exist without someone doing everything for you

*learned entirely from experience and tested by a real person

1. Buy a bundle/container of spinach (high in iron and fiber, the two things I, an otherwise healthy 20 y/o have had random health problems with due to my parents never feeding me anything healthy) put it on/in everything. Breakfast sandwiches, savory dishes, get creative it adds no taste! This goes hand in hand with #2 and 3

2. Buy a blender, learn to love smoothies. Smoothies lie to you about their contents. The one I had this morning? If I hadn’t made it myself I’d have no idea it was 50% spinach leaves and chia seeds. You can’t taste them, it’s trendy for the instagrams, and my digestive system has never been more grateful

3. Half-cook. Buy instant food and put more shit in it. You don’t need to know how to make pasta sauce from scratch, just buy the box, put some chopped up leftover chicken and green stuff in it halfway through the cooking time, suddenly you’ve made an actual meal in 10 minutes. Instant ramen + bag of frozen veggies + random leftover meat cut into chunks = better than my moms homemade soup tbh

4. If you have a dishwasher, small things like tongs, forks, cups that aren’t really that dirty, anything that doesn’t need to pre-soak... never hits the sink. Never. Do not pass go, do not collect 200$, go STRAIGHT to the dishwasher.

5. Ready your coffee maker the night before. After you drink your fill and won’t be using it for the day, fill it up with grounds and water. When you wake up all you have to do is press a single button, no more half-asleep fumbling.

6. Having a candle lit and any music playing in the background will make you feel like 150% more grown up and sophisticated I promise

7. Target’s Opalhouse brand candles are only 7.99 for a pretty big one and they’ve got the most scent payoff of any candle that price I’ve ever seen. I can smell my “island nectar” one across a table, unlit, with the lid on. Red Shed has really good ones too but I have no idea where those ones are sold and they’re a little more expensive.

8. Cauliflower is just dollar store broccoli, it has all the same nutrients just... less of them. But you can mash it up and make discount mashed potatoes which is neat.

9. LAUNDRY!!! Read your laundry labels, write down notable things on a board/paper and put it up by your washer! Mine says things like “hand wash yellow leggings and rose print skirt, suede and velvet things turn inside out before washing, do not under any circumstances wash the wool pencil skirt mom I’m not losing another one YES I’m still mad about the patchwork mini from 10th grade!”

hand washing isn’t hard. You know how you’re supposed to fill the cap of the soap and pour it in the washer? You only need like 1/2 that much soap usually. Take the cap and don’t rinse it if you need to hand wash something, the excess on the lid is usually the perfect amount to wash bras or a skirt in the sink. And FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T PUT BRAS IN THE DRYER THAT SHOULD BE CONSIDERED A CRIME! AND DONT HANG UP KNITTED THINGS IT MAKES THEM STRETCH!

10. Everybody and their brother has said this but cake mix: milk/milk sub instead of water (yes I’ve tried, almond milk makes a difference too, esp almond coffee creamer, that’s what I get since it lasts longer in the fridge and I really only use it in smoothies/coffee) melted butter instead of oil (or just really nice olive oil if you’re not for the dairy) and an extra egg if you’re feeling fancy

11. Invest on a basic cheap set of piping tips and bags if you ever think you’re going to make cupcakes for any reason. Frosting cupcakes to an acceptable level is literally one of the easiest things to do with the right equipment and people act like you’re Picasso for squeezing a bag of sugar goo over a tiny cake!

12. Get a small, easy to care for plant to put in your windowsill. Rosemary is always a good bet cause then you can make rosemary chicken which is delicious, but a succulent or two works if you, like me, kill everything you touch. It makes you look and feel responsible even though all you do is dump water on it like once a week.

13. You always need tape, AA batteries, rubber bands, and a small screwdriver. The moment you don’t have one is when you need it. Do yourself a favor and get a battery tester.

[redditnosleep]

Has Anyone Else Seen This Strange Infomercial?

by crystakat. Warning for child abuse.

February 11th

Let me tell you the secret of the century: being a single parent is hard. Yeah, of course it’s worth it and all, but I’m not sure how anyone does this for eighteen years. Shift at the hospital, hurry home and check on Tommy, four hours of shut-eye tops, then another eight hours working retail, rinse and repeat. It’s awesome.

With a schedule that tight, you think I’d froth at the mouth for the chance to get some extra sleep, but lately my insomnia’s getting real bad. The circles under my eyes are starting to look like a permanent fixture. When Tommy’s crying is ringing in my ears and I feel like I’m about to shatter into little pieces, there’s only one outlet: late-night TV. Infomercials, to be exact. More infomercials than you can count.

Sitting in front of the ghostly blue glow of the screen is just about the only thing that helps distract from a one-year-old’s incessant wailing. Yeah, yeah, before you revoke my “good parenting” card, I’ll have you know Tommy cries over nothing. The kid’s fed and watered, but he’ll scream like it’s the end of the world.

There’s no feeling quite like slipping into a near-fugue state at two in the morning with the words buy now, and we’ll throw in a free pack of refills! ringing around in your head, like ping-pong balls ricocheting in an empty room. At some point, if you’re lucky, you’ll slip into unconsciousness and wake up with your face mashed into the couch.

I’ve pretty much seen them all by now. Catalogued in them head. There’s the blender that promises to make meal prep 5000% more efficient, the hairdryer from heaven, the neck-cushioner that’ll cure your arthritis, the vacuum cleaner that connects to Bluetooth and probably can sleep with your wife. A hundred perky men and women going on about weight loss pills and makeup and kitchen knives and towels that’ll revolutionize your life, no really, we promise or your money back.

Well, all except one. Last night, I saw a new infomercial that I’m still not quite sure if I hallucinated or not. It was maybe 3AM, and my mind was throbbing, pulsing inside my skull. I’d all but given up on sleep. The blonde woman on the screen had just finished her spiel about cubic zirconia jewelry, and then this way-too-catchy jingle was blaring from the TV:

Spleeno! Spleeno all your worries away! Spleeno! Spleeno makes a better today!

It was a chorus of high-pitched voices, I think, something childish like you’d hear in a toy commercial. The lyrics to the jingle flashed across the screen in fat, cartoonish letters.

Next, there was one of those “before” montages. You know, the clips of people cracking eggs onto the floor or groaning about their bad back, before the miracle product swoops in to save them. It was pretty standard: a black-and-white shot of a young woman applying mascara in the mirror, making an exaggerated mess of it by smudging it all over her eyelids. She frowned at the finished result. The camera zoomed in on her clumped-together lashes. The whole time, this glum, almost comically sad tune played in the background.

It transitioned into a full-color scene of the woman beaming into the mirror. The words SPLEENO! hung above her head, and the music was now generically upbeat. Look. I hadn’t slept in around thirty-six hours, and I’d started to feel like my brain was melting out of my ears, so I don’t know what I saw. But it sure as hell looked like this pretty girl brought a pair of tweezers up to her eyelids and began plucking out her lashes, one by one, all with a TV-ready smile splayed across her face. No time lapse or anything. It might have gone on for five minutes or fifteen. When it was finished, she almost looked normal, but if you looked close, you could see her completely bare lids.

The infomercial ended with the SPLEENO! jingle playing again while the woman beamed into the camera. She picked up a tube of mascara, looked at it, then tossed it aside. It was so strange that I figured it had to be a parody, complete with an “after” montage of overacting and smiling. I know this sounds crazy, but afterwards, I felt almost relieved. Like some small weight I didn’t even know was there had been taken off my shoulders.

Then Tommy’s crying started up again, and the feeling was lost.

February 13th

I saw it again last night. Honest to god. I actually did pass out for around an hour before waking up, feeling like absolute crap. I peeled myself off the couch to check on Tommy. He was sleeping for once, and I promptly returned to the living room to tune in to my favorite channel.

I watched the same toaster infomercial twice before it came on again. When the jingle started, my heart sped up: Spleeno! Spleeno all your worries away! Spleeno! Spleeno makes a better today! Whatever this was, it had one hell of a catchy tune. The kind that crops up in your mind at the worst of moments.

Call it morbid curiosity. I wanted to see what was going to play this time. It was too early to be an April Fool’s prank, but maybe it was all a joke by someone with a seriously weird sense of humor, or promo for an upcoming movie.

The jingle ended, and the colors quickly faded to black and white. I watched as a middle-aged man came on screen. He was dressed in his pajamas, his hair tousled in a TV version of a messy bedhead. He stood in front of the mirror and cupped his cheek with a grimace, then opened his mouth to inspect his teeth: they were yellow and crooked, some of them sitting at angles that looked downright painful. I could see black spots of rot on his molars. He poured a cupful of mouthwash and gargled, but his face creased as if he was in agony and he quickly spit it all down the drain.

The scene shifted, and the now-technicolored man was dressed smartly in work clothes, his hair slicked down with gel. SPLEENO! danced across the screen in burning pink letters. The counter was littered with teeth. He looked into his mirror and smiled, revealing a completely toothless mouth with raw, bloody gums. I should have been disgusted, but that reaction never came. Instead I was... fascinated. The man didn’t look to be in pain. He seemed almost elated. And why shouldn’t he be? His pain was gone. I wondered how he felt—light, carefree. I felt a little scared for feeling the way I did, but I couldn’t deny it, either.

Afterwards, I stuck around to watch a mattress commercial, but found that my eyes closed of their own volition, and I finally fell into shallow, dreamless sleep. I woke up feeling unsatisfied, like I’d had some unfinished business in a dream, but couldn’t remember what.

February 17th

I’ve stayed up every night since Tuesday and it hasn’t come on a single time. I know what I saw, but at the same time I’m starting to doubt myself. Maybe I dreamed it all up. Either way, I haven’t slept a minute in three nights.

I almost crashed the car during a milk run for formula and diapers this morning. Tommy is driving me up the wall. I could swear he wakes up and starts sounding off the minute I get home, and shuts up once I’m at work. God, I wish I had the money for a sitter. Just one night of peace and quiet might be enough. Nothing around me seems solid, anymore. It’s like the world is slipping away, and there’s only me, a sack of blood and bones dragging itself to places that feel like hollow imprints. I know I look like shit, but I’m finding it hard to care.

I wonder if this is how people lost in the desert feel, when they see that last mirage of cool water.

February 18th

It came on at 1AM. I can’t explain it, but the moment I heard the first notes to the jingle, I felt a wave of relief crashing down on me. The world felt real again.

I kept my eyes glued to the screen. There was an elderly woman this time, walking down a set of stairs to that same sad tune. With her coiffed gray hair and red sweater, she looked like a character out of a Christmas movie, the sweet old lady about to serve her grandkids chocolate-chip cookies with a smile. She wasn’t smiling now, though. Each time her right foot made contact with the steps, she winced, quickly shifting her weight to her left. Bad knee. Once she got to the bottom, she rested on the banister and caught her breath. The next few clips showed her hobbling around the house—I realized it was the same one the others were shot in—and clutching at her kneecap every few seconds.

Right then, it was as if I could feel the pain shooting up my leg, too. I wanted her to be free of it. I wanted to feel light again. I watched as the TV cut to a close-up shot of the old woman sleeping in bed. Her gray hair was spread out on the pillow like a halo. The camera slowly pulled out, revealing the rest of her nightgown-clad body and the smooth, round stump of her right leg. I noticed it’d been severed just above the knee, and it looked to have healed completely, the skin intact except for a line of white scarring. I examined her face. With her mouth curled into a smile, she was the picture of tranquility. I couldn’t help but smile myself. Her pain was gone now, discarded with the unbearable weight of all that putrid flesh. For the first time in a long time, I felt at ease, perfectly content, even. I kept smiling as the jingle ran again.

Spleeno! Spleeno all your worries away! Spleeno! Spleeno makes a better today!

I didn’t sleep for the rest of the night, but I kept grinning anyway, enjoying the way those words rolled off my tongue.

February 20th

Yesterday was the best one yet! I didn’t go to work, just in case I’d miss it while I was gone. Tommy was crying as usual, and he was annoying as ever, but I didn’t let him distract me.

I kept my attention on the TV. The infomercial came on around midnight—earlier than usual. It featured a man and his dog. A golden retriever. Even with the grainy quality, I could see that it was a beautiful specimen, its coat sleek and its eyes bright. Too bad it just wouldn’t shut up. Its barking went on and on, all through the night, and my heart clenched with sympathy as the man groaned and clapped his hands over his ears. The barks seemed to grow in volume until it was unbearable. I shook my head as the man tried a pair of earplugs to block out the noise. I knew all too well those didn’t work. Tommy’s cries could penetrate through anything.

I was on the edge of my seat waiting for what came next. The black-and-white gave way to color, and the man went from tired and groggy to well-rested. He got up from bed and stretched, then went to the kitchen to fix himself a cup of coffee, humming the whole time. As a stream of coffee poured into his mug, I noticed a large yellowish mass lying on the kitchen floor. The dog’s body looked broken, and its head was stained with a bloom of red, but the man’s newfound happiness was so infectious that I hardly paid it any attention. The now-familiar SPLEENO! hung above the pair. I realized my face was wet with tears of joy. The man had gotten what he wanted: silence. The tears kept coming even after the screen went black.

Spleeno. It’s a wonderful sound. A wonderful word. It takes all your worries away. It makes you realize you have to hold on, and if something’s standing in the way, then you have to get rid of it.

That night, I slept like a baby.

[dumpsterfirebooks]

Tag Thing- 11 Questions (from a bunch of people)

Rules: always post the rules, answer the questions given to you, write 11 questions of your own and tag 11 people. I’m not going to tag anyone and write questions because this post is already crazy long.

@runesandfaes​

My Questions: 1. When is your birthday?

8/27

2. Favorite season?

Fall

3. Favorite villain?

Umm of movies or books it’s super early and my brain isn’t fully functioning yet.

Books I love The Darkling and I suppose Heathcliff is deemed a villain.

Movies- Jareth the Goblin King.

4. Stars or the Moon?

Stars.

5. Favorite book?

Wuthering Heights.

6. An unpopular opinion?

Nesta Archeron is a completely normal character. She’s been through shit, yeah she’s not the nicest but if you reread her 4-5 chapters she’s in in ACOTAR you’ll see that precious Feyre actually started that fight at dinner.

7. If you could be any mythological/magical creature, what would you be?

Siren for sure. Power to use your voice to make shit happen can’t pass that up.

8. Which book character can you see yourself in the most (Personality/Character traits-wise)?

Nesta Archeron. Although Callie from the Bargainer has some solid inner commentary I relate to.

9. Which book character, in your opinion, do you think would be the best partner for you?

Well shit umm I always fall for the troubled, morally questionable men in real life and fiction. So I’d probably go for Des or Cass but the healthiest option would probably be someone like Gideon Lightwood.

10. If you could control any one of the 4 elements, which would you choose?

Fire and water would probably be the most fun but air and earth have more power. I’d go with air, you could put fires out by lowering the oxygen or push it forward with wind. You could use the wind to cool places down or move heat around.

11. Your OTP?

Hmm Nessian from ACOTAR, Elorcan from TOG, Delypso from The Bargainer. Wissa? (Will and Tessa) from TID, Warenette from Shatter Me, I haven’t started Lady Midnight but I’ve heard I’m going to ship the hell out of Emma and Julian.

@feyre-and-aelin

My questions:

1.How did you get into SJM?

Amazon kept recommending ACOTAR and I’d seen it on bookstagram a lot with the “stars that listen” quote. I read both ACOTAR and ACOMAF about 2 months before ACOWAR. When I got done I immediately bought the TOG series and the rest is history.

2. What would you do with a million dollars?

I’d love to say I’m a wonderful person that would do a lot with it and help a lot of people but I’m going to be realistic. I’d pay off all my parent’s bills, my brother’s bills and student loans, travel the world, buy a small piece of land up in New Hampshire, and build a small house next door to my parents. Make a donation to The Progeria Research Foundation, small things for my friends like a plane ticket for B to see her family for Christmas, a year of diapers for my friend who has a little monster. Then I’d save whatever is left.

3. Do you consider yourself a morning or night person?

Morning by default. If I had any say in the matter I’d be a night person. Unfortunately 6 years of having to wake up at 4:30 AM every morning has turned me into a morning person.

4. What tv series are you into right now?

Actually good shows: Game of Thrones, Black Sails even though it just finished, Law and Order: SVU, HTGAWM, Grey’s Anatomy.

Trash t.v.: Vanderpump Rules, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and Cheshire, Below Deck and Below Deck Med.

5. What’s your favorite tumblr blog(s)?

I’m going to forget people I know so I’ll just go with the ones I’ve talked to lately or can remember off the top of my head. @catastrophicallyinlovewithbooks, @cassiancalore, @highladyofdreamcourt, @dr-woodsprite, @regularlyconfused, @feyre-and-aelin(I know that’s you), @paperbacktrash, @lronteeth, @rowan-buzzard-whitethorn, @modernbookfae, @runesandfaes, @highladyofnorta@highladyofnorta

I apologize in advance you guys are going to get a notification that you were tagged in a super personal post with my answer to Luna below.

 6. If you had to pick one fictional character to spend the rest of your life with, who would it be?

Yikes umm I’d go with Cassian or Desmond Flynn. Cassian can cook and that’s helpful as hell because I don’t want to be the only one cooking for the rest of my life. He’s funny, good looking, and he could teach me how to fight. We don’t know much about how he acts in a relationship though so idk. Des on the other hand can’t cook but he can do magic to make your favorite foods appear, and he remembers shit like that. He’s great at dirty talk and always seems to leave Callie satisfied but wanting more. At this point in time I’d have to go Des because I know more about him.

7. If you were stranded on a deserted island and there was one naturally growing thing there for you to eat, what would you want it to be?

Super hard question. Cashews because they’re high in protein and other vitamins. And you don’t have to cook them.

8. How many followers do you have atm?

909

9. What would you say is your favorite thing in the world?

Books because people and pets aren’t things. Otherwise I’d say my family.

10. Would you go back inside a burning house to save your pet(s)?

Yes.

11. Have you seen/did you like Spiderman: Homecoming?

Not yet. I’m slacking on my Marvel movies I still haven’t seen Doctor Strange.

@lronteeth asked

1)    Which event in history you’d want to witness if you could time travel?

I used to say Salem Witch Trials but then I went and visited and a solid number of the women killed were named Sarah/Sara so that’s not a thing anymore. So I’ll go with the War of the Roses because English history fascinates me.

2)    How did you meet your best friend?

We went to the same day care as babies and were in the same kindergarten class.

3)    If you can be invisible for a day, what would you do?

I’m boring I’d hide and read uninterrupted.

4)    Your first kiss story

So this isn’t going to be cute or romantic at all fair warning it’s dark as hell. I’m usually a super distant person and I love pushing people away so my first kiss didn’t happen until I was 16. It was my guy best friend Adam. We were hanging out after school and we fell asleep on the couch in my living room. Sometime around 2AM I woke up to him on top of me kissing me with his hand down my pants. Yay violating someone without their consent. Because I was young and stupid I was freaked out but not for the right reasons. At the time, I cared less that things went down the way they did and more upset that I thought we were just friends. He informed me that “it was romantic like a fairytale where the guy wakes the girl up by kissing her.” So yeah there’s that.

5)    Most embarrasing memory

I once texted an older guy friend in a band “good luck” but my phone corrected it to “good lick” and I didn’t even notice the typo until he questioned it.

6)    Best 3 books you’ve read this year

-A Strange Hymn, Heir of Fire, The Sun is Also a Star

7) Worst 3 books you’ve read this year

-Local Girls, The Fall Guy, 14

8) Make your basketball team out of book characters

I have no idea how many people are on a basketball team, yikes. I fill my spots with SJM’s fae men because they all seem tall and physically fit enough to play basketball.

9) Book trope you hate

It’s all a dream

10) Describe your style

Put all the things in a blender, hit puree, pour into cup.

[kelliehighet]

Photos and My Stories.

Here are the photos and all of my responses to them (matched by numbers.)

Whilst engaging in the writing process for this task I found that for the most part there is no a direct visual relationship between the image and what I wrote about it. I looked at the photo and something in it would trigger a memory or feeling, that would sometimes then trigger another memory or feeling, and then I would take this and further explore the fictional possibilities of it. Some of the responses are are completely auto biographical, some are partly based off events that happened in my life, and others are completely fictional. However, none of them appear as ‘obvious’ responses to the imagery, which I think is due to that process.

1. Things never felt that heavy when we were younger. It was traditional for us to raid her step Mums’ wardrobe. The aim was to take the black satin dresses, throw on the ugly fur coats, slip into the slutty red heals, and then stumble around waving our hands in a way that demanded presence. We! Are! So! Important! Then we’d tear the room apart to find her credit card and use it to order Thai food. But we hated tofu. So we’d walk to the local shops and buy hot chips with chicken salt. Talking about our weird science teacher and her brother’s new fascination with reptiles.

­­2. Yesterday I caught mum all teary eyed because some snails had destroyed her basil plant.  She’d hosted a dinner party the night before, so she plucked them from the garden and placed them into plastic water bottles filled with leftover champagne. I’m not sure if the light looks sort of enchanting because that’s how summer works, or if I’m just drowning in the bubbles.

3. I had just finished my usual three-hour shift at the bakery after school. Instead of throwing out the left over pastries I’d asked mum to drive me to the hospital so I could give them to you. Some nurse was trying to poison the mash potato. You were uncharacteristically grumpy and ranting about something that was wrong with the TV. I checked my phone excessively, time was going so slow, you were really agitating me, old people are annoying, I was tired, wanted to get home; it’s not my fault, how was I meant to know, according the odds you should’ve already died six months ago.

7. It was a Saturday. We were fourteen years old and desperately wishing to be older. So I stole whisky from my parent’s basement and mixed it with pink lemonade. We had matching purple pajama pants that were covered in little cartoon cows. I bought three-dollar glitter eyeliner; we drew love hearts on our cheeks and it stained my skin blue. I was glad it was a Sunday because I wouldn’t be seen in public like that. Mum spent twenty minutes brushing my hair after I threw up in the toilet. It was bright pink. We’d poured a lot of raspberries into the blender making cocktails.

8. Tomorrow I’ll wake up all disorientated in the backset of my car. And I’ll think, shit, my neck is going to hurt for weeks. Hopefully it’ll be early enough to make it home before anyone wakes up. I can get changed, clean my teeth, and straighten my hair. Mum will tell me I look pretty. Then I’ll arrive early to my lecture, and I’ll sit with that girl, and we’ll chat about that cute guy. For lunch I’ll have rice cakes because my stomach will still feel queasy. Life will continue, no matter how I change it.

12. Life is beautiful. That’s what you’d always tell people. “It’s my 21st birthday.” You were verging on eighty, but wanting to make the pretty waitress laugh. Mum was so sad that you hadn’t told anyone sooner. Like what the fuck. You thought roast duck in Prague would make up for this? Paying for the whole family to frolic around Europe was a pretty sick cover up. I suppose dancing with a champagne glass in your hand meant forever young. But at your funeral I cried talking about the seaweed in your garden that you’d stolen from the beach. We don’t go on holidays in summer anymore.  ­­

13. Mums’ new boyfriend was always around. Like a little yapping dog that seemed sweet until it nipped at your finger. Whenever they broke up he’d buy my sister and I things to make her feel guilty. One time it was a rice cooker. I ate a lot of brown rice those days because someone had told me it was healthier than pasta.

15. After my best friend and I turned nineteen she met some guy in a coffee shop. He was a barista with stylish black hair who’d chased her all the way to the car park holding a Lush bag she’d accidentally left at her table.  They went on a date to the zoo and then he got to know her better than I did. A few days ago we went to see a movie together.  Afterwards we talked about the unseasonal wind, how good dark chocolate tastes with peanut butter, what courses we were taking at university, and then I drove her home. She messaged me a week later; it was a picture of her dog rolling around in the sun. I suppose it’s nice having someone around who cares so much.

16. My chin was red and painful by the time I got home. He’d taken me to the lake so we could hang out; his stubble had given me a pimple. I wondered how long it would take to pick all of the twigs out of my scarf, and I needed to wash those jeans before my sister noticed they were missing. Hopefully nobody had heard the sound of his car in our driveway. My skin felt foreign. I wanted his mark to make me happy, but instead I changed into an old Power Puff Girl shirt and curled up in a little ball on my bed. I didn’t cry. He waited four days to text me. By then it had gone.

17. It’s okay, because sometimes, in certain moments, everything seems so wonderful.  I’m laughing, I have friends, boys will kiss my neck, and we’re all so cool. The other day I spilt tea on the kitchen bench. My heart was beating sort of fast, it was 6:00pm, my stomach had been churning all day, it’s March; I just hate the change in light. Then I sat on the couch in my dressing gown and spent four hours staring out the window. I couldn’t say what was there because I don’t remember looking. To be honest I never think of you at all.

18. It was completely expected. That’s what stung. “I think you should just find somebody else.” I knew there was so much wrong with us, but it felt unfair that something so desirable was capable of disappearing that fast. So at brunch I told Mum’s friends that he was smart, played soccer, drove a red car, and had nice arms.  Then I drank four cups of tea and stabbed my scone incessantly with a fork. I threw up afterwards because the diary in the cream had made me queasy. He didn’t break my heart. I did. Using everything unsaid he’d left behind.

19. I was sitting on her bed trying to blend out the dry patches of foundation that clung to my skin. We had to look good that night. She needed to: Get. It. Over. With. A few weeks back this gorgeous boy had driven her to his family house all the way in Adelaide, then he’d ignored her after discovering she was a virgin who didn’t want to rush things. She’d only talked about guys to me since. My eye shadow was navy blue and sparkly. We mixed vodka with Red Bull and twirled around the living room listening to songs on spotify. I stood staring at the lights when she left me in the club. He’d told me I was beautiful yesterday so it didn’t matter that I was alone.