#it just never connects in my brain i am shocked every single time and it makes me :))))))

[josecariohca]

.

[mozzeralla-stix]

Heyyyyy! So can I request a Carl x fem reader where she’s insecure and Carl sees her body for the first time after her trying to hide it for ages. It can be smut or fluff or both🫶🏻

Every Piece of You

Carl Grimes x Insecure fem! reader

WARNINGS: unprotected sex, negative self talk, crying, body issues, L bombs, f! receiving oral

Carl finally sees reader for the first time and can’t help but show his adoration…

᠃ ⚘᠂ ⚘ ˚ ⚘ ᠂ ⚘ ᠃ ᠃ ⚘᠂ ⚘ ˚ ⚘ ᠂ ⚘ ᠃ ᠃ ⚘᠂ ⚘ ˚ ⚘ ᠂ ⚘ ᠃ ᠃ ⚘᠂ ⚘ ˚

I stare at my reflection in the mirror. Somehow, despite the beauty of having a clean and safe house to live in with running water and electricity, I still find my brain focusing so deeply on all the wrongs in my life. More specifically, the wrongs that are a part of me. There are a lot of terrible things I’ve had to do to survive on the road. My hands aren’t clean of blood, but time and improvement can change that. What can’t change- however- is my body. I pull the sweat filled shirt off of my body reluctantly, knowing I have to shower eventually.

As the garment drops to the floor I can’t help but stare at myself in disgust once again. Each curve and dip in my body only reminds me of how unattractive my frame is. It’s a wonder how I managed to get Carl to love me. Probably because he has never seen my body, I’m sure the day he finally sees me without clothes will be the day I’m single once again. I wrap my arms around myself while tears well up on my eyes. I can barely see my reflection with the liquid overwhelming my waterline, finally beginning to trail down my cheeks as I let out weak sobs. I can’t help but grieve the end of Carl and I’s relationship- as its inevitable end will one day come with the reveal of my body.

I hear a soft knock on the door followed by, “Y/n? Hun? Are you okay in there? I’m coming in.”

Before I can scramble to cover myself up or run to the door, I see Carl standing in the doorway. I feel fear rush through me- not ready whatsoever for this moment. Carl’s eyes light up, and his mouth suddenly falls slightly agape. I feel tears threaten to fall again once the shock leaves my body. “Carl! I’m so sorry. You weren’t supposed to see this. I know it’s awful. Please just don’t-“

“Oh my god Y/n, you’re beautiful.”

I am stopped in my tracks, my brows furrowing in utter confusion and disagreement. I shake my head side to side, refusing to accept such an impossible notion. “You don’t have to pretend, Carl. I know I’m not. Please just don’t leave over this. You don’t even have to see me like this ever again.”

Before I can continue, Carl walks over and gently pulls me into his warm embrace, placing my head gently in the crook of his neck. Sobs that I was holding back barreled their way through my barricades, forcing salty tears out of my eyes and onto Carl’s flannel. The comfort of his very presence: his smell, the tickle of his long brown locks on my cheek and neck, his steady heartbeat and slow breathing- it all became so overwhelming.

“Sweetheart, I think you’re so beautiful. Best thing I’ve ever laid eyes on. As upset as I am that it happened this way- I’m so happy I’ve finally gotten to see the love of my life in such an intimate way. Nothing could change my love for you.” Carl follows with a soft kiss to my lips before pulling away to look into my eyes- his soft blue ones giving me a loving look.

“Carl, I love you too. So much. I’m sorry.” I barely let out before pulling him back into a hug, gripping his flannel harder than ever as the tears slowly stop.

“It’s okay, don’t apologize. You’re so amazing. So pretty.”

Carl starts to kiss me gently, moving his hands down to grab at my hips. I feel myself tense up, only to be comforted by Carl placing one hand on the top of my head, lightly stroking my hair. Our kiss deep new as both Carl and I slightly tilt our heads to the side, hoping to feel even more of a connection between our two selves. I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him impossibly closer to me. In response, Carl tugs lightly at my hip and pulls my body flush against is as I whimper from the contact.

Carl slowly begins to guide me back towards the counter, pinning my hips to the surface once my back hits the edge. I let out a gasp and Carl takes the opportunity to slip his tongue into my mouth- forcing an unexpected moan out of me. I feel his tongue lap against mine, creating amazing friction between our two mouths. I tug at his hair, causing him to groan and lightly roll his hips up towards mine. The sudden contact makes me whimper, loving the satisfying rhythm developing between us. Carl trails his lips down to my face, stopping at the junction of my jaw and neck.

He latches onto the small patch of skin and begins to gently suck, leaving a dark mark on my neck. I moan and can’t help but buck my hips forward at the sudden rush of pleasure. He lets out a low groan and is only fueled further by my little reactions. I continue to tug on his hair and roll my hips with his, reveling in the feeling of our bodies being so close and intertwined. Carl trails down my neck even further- leaving dark, bruising love bites that are sure to show in the morning. He reaches my collarbone and bites down on the sensitive mound lining my neck.

“Ahh~ Ca- Carl! Please.”

Carl gives the bone one final nibble before raising his head and moving close to my ear, carefully whispering “Don’t worry, pretty girl. You’ll get what you want soon. patience..”

I nod my head feverishly and feel his hands begin to tighten around my hips, lifting me up so that I am sitting on top of the bathroom counter. A deep blush creeps up my neck and spreads itself across my cheeks, displaying my embarrassment and needy nature all to Carl. He leans down and starts to make out with me- this time with much more heat and desperation. I match his movements, the newly present wetness at my core pooling into my panties.

With his hands gripping my hips even tighter than before, he begins to roll his hard on up into me while guiding my hips towards his, creating strong friction between us two. I throw my head back in a daze of submission and pleasure, desperately following his lead. Each time his dick rubs against me through the layers of clothing I feel an electric shock run up my spine, causing loud moans to slip from my mouth uncontrollably. Carl let’s out a few of his own while he places his hand over my mouth gently, attempting to muffle my loud displays of enjoyment.

“Gotta be quiet for me, ‘kay my love? Can you do- mmph~ do that for me?”

I quickly nod and continue to do my best to suppress my noises, still following his hips with my own bucking movements. I whine as he slows his grinding, eyeing me up and down.

Carl slowly moves one hand to my back, looking into my eyes for approval for a moment before undoing my bra. I allow it to slip down my arms, revealing my bare chest to Carl. His eyes dilate with amazement, just before he looks up at me with a hungry expression. I have no choice but to stare back, frozen with arousal and embarrassment. I move my hands to the hem of his shirt, begging him to take it off as well. Carl quickly gets the message with a small chuckle and pulls the shirt over his head, tossing it into the pile of clothes forming on the bathroom floor. I stare in awe, never having seen his bare torso much. My eyes trail from his distinct collarbones to his chest, continuing my gaze all the way down to his toned abdomen and the patch of hair that leads beneath his jeans. I flush a dark red and dart my eyes to his forearms, the view of his muscles ever so slightly popping out due to his leaning position certainly not helping the color on my face. Carl’s hand then comes up to my chin- gently lifting it so that I’m looking him in the eyes.

“It’s okay to look sweetheart, it’s all yours.”

I practically melt at the comment before Carl places a chaste kiss on my lips. He then gently lowers himself down to his knees, placing his strong hands onto the top of my covered thighs.

He slides his hand up to the button of my jeans while his other remains on my thigh, slowly rubbing up and down. He makes quick work of the button, removing my jeans to reveal my panties. He spots the wet spot soaking through the thin fabric, and looks me in the eyes while he licks a strip from the area to the top of my cloth covered pussy. I let out a moan and tangle my hands in his hair, rolling my lips delicately against his mouth. He removes his mouth from my core to place soft kisses all around the inside of my thighs, biting down on the last placement to leave a dark hickey. The pleasure overwhelms me, until he lets go of the plush area and presses his thumb against the love bite, bringing a shiver up my spine at the small mix of pleasure and pain.

“Please! I cant wait any longer Carl..” I say as I tug at his hair again, barely able to contain myself. Carl sighs and gives in, gripping the hem of my panties and pulling them down to reveal my soaking wet core. He looks up at me and gives me a loving smile.

“God, you’re just so unbelievably beautiful. Every part of you.” He let’s out breathlessly.

I try to stutter out a thank you, but am interrupted by Carls tongue feverishly lapping at my clit, fueled by desire and the need to prove just how majestic he found my body to be. I begin to feel as though I am weightless, squeezing my eyes shut in pure bliss and Carl descends to my throbbing entrance. He licks up all of the juices seeping out of me, moaning as he does so. This sends waves of extra pleasure through me as the vibrations travel from my pussy to my abdomen. He then latches himself on my clit, sucking harshly on the enlarged bud. My back arches aggressively, letting out an incredibly lewd moan as I tug on his hair.

Carl moves away from my sensitive pussy, pulling himself up with a smirk. He moves his lips towards mine and kisses me, forcing me to taste myself on my tongue. He disconnects the intimate kiss and quickly removes his pants and boxers, revealing his hard and aching cock. Glistening pre-cum drips from the slightly red tip as my eyes widen, realizing that that is supposed to fit inside of me. I turn red and Carl catches on, pulling me into his tight embrace. His skin feels warm, sending comfort into my once tense muscles. He gently rubs my back before pulling away, placing a gentle kiss on my cheek.

“I promise it’ll fit darlin’, I would never hurt you. You’ll take it all so well for me, I know you will.”

I nod while he pumps himself a few times, lining his cock up to my dripping entrance.

“I love you, Carl.”

“I love you too, Y/n. So much.”

With that Carl gently pushed into my wet folds, causing me to gasp and throw my arms around his shoulders- pulling his torso flush to mine. I stuff my head into his neck and whimper, feeling a light sting. Carl wraps one arm around my back to grip the other side of my hips, while his other hand sneaks down to my clit and rubs the sensitive mound in a circular motion. The wavering pleasure helps me relax- allowing me to let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding in, while Carl continues to push himself into me so gently.

“F-fuck. Doing so well f’me darlin’. God~”

I can tell he is struggling to keep it together while his cock dips further into me, eventually bottoming out with a groan. I feel my chest fill with warmth and love, the energy between us filling the small room with rose colored feelings. I take a deep breath and sigh, adjusting to the feeling of being apart of him. My pussy instinctively squeezes my walls around him, causing Carl to whimper and buck his hips back into me. However, he doesn’t stop once he initially fucks himself into me- making slow yet steady thrusts into me. He looks down at our connection, watching as his hard member disappears with every thrust inside of me.

I gently scratch at his back and moan into his neck, practically squirming in his touch. The pleasure overwhelms me, along with the intense feelings shared between us in this intimate moment. Unexpectedly, I don’t feel any insecurity about being bare in front of Carl. The way he cares so deeply and ensured I’m not hurt, the way he longingly looks at my body while fucking into me, the way he rolls his hips ever so delicately to ensure this feels amazing for the both of us. Carl’s actions are filled with love and adoration. He loves me for me, every single piece.

My brain starts to go foggy with pleasure, as I let out soft moans and whimpers in an attempt to keep myself quiet. I allow Carl’s name to occasionally roll of my tongue, longing the way he groans in response to my desperate calls for him. I feel myself nearing the edge, tears starting to well up in the corner of my eyes- both due to the love I feel and the way that Carl perfectly hits my g-spot with every thrust.

My moans get louder and I can barely mumble a “Carl- Ahh mph~ I’m close!” against Carl’s shoulder. He gently lifts my head up with his hand and makes me look him in the eyes- the tears only getting more intense and rapid with our irises creating an unbreakable link between Carl and I. He smashes his lips against mine, moaning into my mouth while he passionately slips his tongue into my mouth.

The coil in my stomach gets impossibly tighter, a tense yet comfortable sensation growing in my abdomen. I begin to claw at his bare back- leaving dark red marks trailing all down him. Carl moans and rolls his hips once more, teetering me over the edge.

Everything falls apart within me and Carl pulls away from the kiss, whispering “Let it go, love. It’s okay.”

I yelp out a lewd moan at his word choice and ride out my orgasm, the rhythmic clenching and unclenching pushing Carl over the edge as well. I feel his cock tense up inside of me right before spilling his warm cum deep inside of me, enhancing the last bits of my orgasm.

Carl rests his forehead against mine while breathing very heavily, closing his eyes before pressing a soft kiss to my lips.

“I love you Y/n, every single piece of you.”

“I love you too, Carl. Always and forever.”

᠃ ⚘᠂ ⚘ ˚ ⚘ ᠂ ⚘ ᠃ ᠃ ⚘᠂ ⚘ ˚ ⚘ ᠂ ⚘ ᠃ ᠃ ⚘᠂ ⚘ ˚ ⚘ ᠂ ⚘ ᠃ ᠃ ⚘᠂ ⚘ ˚

oh my god i’m sorry this took so long. lots going on rn. hope you enjoy!! <3

[dzvelinaskebiyars]

Sweet Tyranny

Pt. 2

"I can't stop now that I have started playing his game, Y/n." He stands up from the ground too. "That's why, I'll be his dog and kill him."

You stared at him in shock, complete disbelief. Kill? He's going to commit murder? This was too much to process. "...Minami, murder isn't solution." You reminded him, hoping that he would understand. But his blank face was telling you otherwise. "You shouldn't kill. That's wrong!"

"Then what am I supposed to do?" He blankly asked, no emotion visible on his expression whatsoever.

"Tell the police! That man is wanted criminal, Minami!" You almost pleaded him but he shook his head in refusal.

Looking at your reaction, he regretted telling you this but there was no turning back now. "You can't understand the situation I'm in,Y/n. I can't tell police about it. Because if they arrest him then I won't be able to buy medications for my mother!" He raised his voice, his eyes begging you to understand.

"Do you think your mother would like the medications that you got by murder?!"

His eyebrows furrowed. "You don't understand..." Minami gritted his teeth in frustration. "You're not the one with a sick mother and so poor that barely can afford food to eat everyday! You don't understand, Y/n. You can't understand." The boy spoke in slightly higher voice. If you would look at Minami, anyone would think that he's angry. But, in truth, he's desperate. The boy is hoping that his one and only friend will understand his situation, no matter how fucked up it is, that she won't leave him. It's true that Minami respects Dino, that he might even be closest to the father figure the young boy could ever have, but he also understood the wrong of murder. However, did people like him ever had a choice in life?

Rich could do whatever they pleased. They could buy a house only to burn it down for fun without worrying. They never had to eat crumbs of old bread and be happy with it. They probably would be able to cure someone with the same illness as him mother in no time but Minami wasn't rich. He was only a child living in poverty.

"Lack of money is the root of all evil." said George Bernard Shaw and he couldn't have been more right. Money controls people, money controls society, money controls everything. Money controls every single one of us. People who are in desperate need for money, whether for selfish or selfless reasons, will abandon their morals in order to have it.

Money can't buy happiness they said. But lack of it surely causes misery.

But how were you, a child, going to understand that? Anyone would be terrified if their best friend just confessed to have the connections with the most wanted criminal in Brazil. "Minami...I-I'm sorry but that's just messed up. Police will help you, you know." You tried to explain but the boy just refused to understand. Or maybe it's you who refused to accept his point of view.

Minami stared at you silently for a moment before glueing his eyes on the ground instead. "Forget what I said. I-I just joked, sorry." He quietly mumbled but loud enough for you to hear him.

You knew. You knew he wasn't joking but the way he immediately changed the topic, you weren't able to question him further.

After that, you left as soon as you could. Were you scared? Of Minami? No. You wanted to help him, stay by his side and you would have gladly, if your mother wouldn't have called.

The uneasy feeling spreaded in your heart, consuming it and filling your brain up with immense fear. "Say goodbye to Minami and come back to home, we've to talk." that's what your mom said and maybe you were just overthinking but the way she said goodbye instead of see you later won't leave your mind, not even for a second.

You hurriedly opened the door of your house. Your mother was in the living room, talking someone on the phone but when she heard that you were back, she hang up on them.

"What's wrong, mom?"

She hesitated for a moment before opening her mouth. "We're going back to Japan."

@kikaicore this one is incredibly short, I know, but I promise next part will be longer. Plus I have such angst in my mind lol.

[vickyvicarious]

Another thing I didn't mention the other week that kills me about 'The Plan That Failed' is the way Griffin's name is used. This is following up on a pattern I noticed a little bit ago, but... in a really sad way.

So, Kemp never calls Griffin by name. When they first met, he repeated the name back in confusion, but never actually acknowledged aloud that the person he is talking to is the Griffin he vaguely remembers. Or at least, while he does so by implication, he doesn't do so by name:

“Griffin,” answered the Voice. A younger student than you were, almost an albino, six feet high, and broad, with a pink and white face and red eyes, who won the medal for chemistry.” “I am confused,” said Kemp. “My brain is rioting. What has this to do with Griffin?” “I am Griffin.” Kemp thought. “It’s horrible,” he said. “But what devilry must happen to make a man invisible?”

Kemp goes right to the concept of 'a man becoming invisible' rather than lingering in any way on 'so you are Griffin'. And in the moment, that sort of makes sense. Apparently he barely remembers Griffin from school (if at all), and so there's no particular shock of recognition for him. It's more shock at what's going on. But then after that, a distinct pattern begins to emerge, where Kemp only calls him by name when he's being vulnerable/civilized. When he is afraid of Griffin's violence, or thinking of him as something monstrous, he calls him by some kind of title, usually 'The Invisible Man'. And it's rare for Griffin to get his name used at all.

But even all of that was still just in the narration. Of course, the way this book is written as a sort of adaptation of various peoples' stories of what they remember may mean none of the dialogue has to be taken as exact. But still, even in that case it's notable that not once does Kemp call Griffin by any sort of name out loud. That whole pattern I've been discussing is only in his narration. At no point in any of their dialogue does he call him Invisible Man, but he also never calls him Griffin. The only way he addresses him directly, ever is "you." In contrast, Griffin says "Kemp" to him quite often.

So there's a distinct imbalance there too. Griffin is confiding his past, giving vent to his emotions, hoping for understanding and using Kemp's name often as an interjection which affirms a connection between the two of them. Meanwhile Kemp is walking a fine line verbally between outright either acknowledging Griffin's humanity (by using his name) or totally denying it (by directly addressing him with a title). This of course reflects his thoughts and also his actions, as he's listening to Griffin's story but in large part only to buy time so he can be caught.

But then... that changes.

Kemp’s hand went to his moustache. Was that a movement downstairs? “And it is killing we must do, Kemp.” “It is killing we must do,” repeated Kemp. “I’m listening to your plan, Griffin, but I’m not agreeing, mind. Why killing?” [...] “Humph!” said Kemp, no longer listening to Griffin but to the sound of his front door opening and closing. “It seems to me, Griffin,” he said, to cover his wandering attention, “that your confederate would be in a difficult position.” “No one would know he was a confederate,” said the Invisible Man, eagerly. And then suddenly, “Hush! What’s that downstairs?” “Nothing,” said Kemp, and suddenly began to speak loud and fast. “I don’t agree to this, Griffin,” he said. “Understand me, I don’t agree to this. Why dream of playing a game against the race? How can you hope to gain happiness? Don’t be a lone wolf. Publish your results; take the world—take the nation at least—into your confidence. Think what you might do with a million helpers—”

Suddenly we get Kemp calling Griffin by his name, out loud, several times in rapid-fire. At first, I noticed this particularly because the first time he does so is right after Griffin proclaims that they will need to kill people. Also, every single time he says it, it's paired with his own doubts/refusal to agree to this plan. But while that is all true, it's not the most significant detail here. More salient, I think, is the way that every use of Griffin's name is immediately preceded by mention of people arriving to capture him.

When Kemp finally calls Griffin by name, it's done in a clear attempt to distract him. The only time he grants him the courtesy of reaching out to him as a fellow human in this way is a lie. He's trying to use that connection in order to trick Griffin. He's essentially treating Griffin's name (which after the pattern in narration seems so clearly to me to be essentially shorthand for his humanity) as a tool to arrest him.

Honestly, this entire situation is pretty messed up all around. It's hard to say that either Marvel or Kemp ever really 'betray' Griffin, because they were never given even footing with him in the first place. They certainly didn't choose to help him, they both felt coerced. And yet, this moment... really does feel like a betrayal. It feels cruel, somehow adds insult to injury.

Kemp has been teetering between considering/treating Griffin as a fellow human, or the Invisible Man a monster. Certainly, the scales have been tipping steadily towards the latter, but it's not until this moment that everything comes crashing down. And it feels like such a bitter extra sting of irony that when it does happen, when the moment comes, he calls him by name.

But he's committed to the opposite course.

[koraesrambles]

Reasons I'm enjoying gotham war: a thought exercise.

I wanted to do a deeper analysis but am sitting in a restaurant waiting for my family to get here so might as well dive into it and I can do a more scholarly deep dive later.

I want to talk about Gotham Wars, why I'm liking it, what I think about it, and what I think they're doing well. I'm new to comics (tell me, at what point does your brain start to explode when you try to read the entire DC batfam canon in 2 months. Asking for a friend) but I'm not new to storytelling, so here we go!

K, so im a huge angst fan. It's a disease, not everyone is here for the angst but I most certainly am. The batfamily is so incredibly messed up, which is just right up my alley. I love WFA but let's be real, if they're not crying I'm not as invested. So this run where they are absolutely beating the shit out of my favorite character (Jason Todd)? Mwah. Beautiful. 10/10 will read 100 times.

I read stories for the connections between the characters, not so much the plot. Which is a personal preference thing. So the obvious plot holes and issues with the various characters points of view just don't really bother me. I can suspend my disbelief to think that heroes are running around in spandex beating people up, I can suspend it to think catwoman training an army of thieves to eat (I mean steal from) the rich is a viable idea. I don't care about the logistics, I care about how those things effect the characters.

And MAN do they effect the characters. Honestly I've loved Selina throughout this run. She could get a post all on her own. I love that she's refused to slander Bruce, I love how protective she is over her kids (step kids? Exs kids?) And I love every single interaction she's had with Jason. Honestly the moment that hit me hardest with her was when she's looking for Jason and thinks that if she loses him Bruce will never forgive her.

Obviously, Jason is a worthwhile human that has value outside of Bruce, but I think it really gives us a glimpse into Selina's mind right now. She loves Jason, she's grateful for his support and cares for him, but at the end of the day, he's the love of her life's baby boy, and it is that identifier that will pop up during times of stress.

I LOVE everything about Jason's involvement with this. I like that the tie ins are showing how he disagrees and the main storyline has him already convinced. I love that it explores both sides of his character, I love how it shows how important he is. And he is SO. IMPORTANT.

Bruce has obviously lost his ever loving mind (rip) and vacillates wildly between thinking his children were a mistake and wanting to protect them from everything. Up to this point, though plenty of the bat kids are sympathetic toward Selina, they aren't actively helping her, except of course for our boy Jason Todd.

Jason is actively working against Bruce (shocking right?) And I LOVE that Jason even tells Bruce that it's not just to spite him (though I'm sure that's a plus) it's because he believes in what Selina is doing. And Bruce cannot handle it.

Like I said before, Jason is Bruce's baby boy. The one he can't lose again. The one he needs to protect. But also he has to stop him from murdering people. And above ALL ELSE he cannot stand to see Jason in cahoots with someone else. Bruce doesn't share well under normal circumstances, let alone when he has totally lost his mind.

This vacillation has a lot of people irritated because they think that Bruce is being written inconsistently. I disagree, I think my man has lost his ever loving mind and he wants to both protect his children and STOP them. Him telling Jason he loves him not once, but TWICE within the span of a few panels while simultaneously ruining his life and leaving him completely defenseless is just... dude. My man. My psycho baby. Stop that.

Jason has always been fiercely independent and now that independence has been stripped from him. He literally can't protect himself. He's going to need to rely on other people to help him and heaven knows he doesn't have a good track record of people helping him out when he needs them.

Luckily, Dick knows about the drugging now and is super pissed off (GOOD!) Cannot wait to see where that goes next.

So tldr: why am I enjoying gotham wars? Mostly because so far everyone is obsessed with Jason Todd, which is highly relatable. Also because these relationships are being torn to shreds and looked at from a very interesting lens. Bruce is gone gone gone. Cannot wait to see his horror when he realizes what he's done.

[comfreyhollywings]

there's a tarot reading i did the other day when i talked about you. there's rose incense i'm currently burning. its fragrance hits the back of my throat, and it's welcoming to me. this is a ritual i have always done whenever i want to dedicate my time, space, and energy for you.

the keywords of that reading is: the weight of the world is on your shoulders and i want you to know something.

you are my anchor and have always been it. you know me just as much as i know you; every single side of me. manic, calm, spiraling, or absolutely overjoyed.

you can tell me if i'm overstepping, and feel free to tell me to stop. but here's what i've observed: the world is me. i'm your world.

you haven't said it through words in particular, but you have told me through your actions. i speak prayers and you always answer. every single time without fail. and when i told you i wanted to move towards the next stage in my work and love life, you immediately moved me to a position where i could receive it.

my boyfriend is the month of august, and i am a behavioral technician. as someone still studying the law as an undergraduate, i'm still learning the reigns and that is okay. i pressure myself to be in a position to pay more bills. i'm learning self-care as i order from door dash. i cook more often. sometimes i go manic and immerse myself in scenarios still. i'm seriously considering a second job as a community assistant for a government job.

i joke about my joints popping. the economy of the world. the concept of the self. bam, i get mistaken as someone who's older than i actually am. whether i'm in my thirties or mid twenties.

i'm twenty.

 odd. if it was someone else, i would've thought the world was as their fingertips. the thing is that i've never felt more inadequate before in my life. this inadequacy stains my cheeks and desecrates the stupid part of my brain always craving 'worth'. i have to be worth something.

what i'm really afraid of is not living up to everybody's expectations. but they're not my expectations, are they?

knowing that's me is.. shocking. what /is/ the concept of me??

you had once described me as someone 'aquarian-themed', detached and solitary, but still so loving. dreamy and almost out of this world. remote. you had accurately described what i was like as a person, and i couldn't help but crack a smile. like we were telling an inside joke. it's true i had aquarius placements in my natal chart, but i hadn't thought too much about it until you brought it up.

but the thing is, when you brought it up—you made me realize a key point about myself: i am deathly and deeply afraid. i am scared of human connection. this is why i isolate. and you are reeling me out of this foggy forest, chanting:

'no love however brief is wasted.

no love however brief is wasted.

no love however brief is wasted.'

figuratively, i am kicking and screaming while you drag me out. a part of me wishes it stayed stuck in that forest. except, i know that's just the familiarity talking. isolation is addicting but it makes you a husk of a person; a mere observer as a husk of a person. you don't interact; but that's not the same with others. you'd watch others interact with anything.

so okay, here's what i think. i think you're.. a lot.

not in a way where someone so much as looks at a person and thinks, 'oh, they're a lot!' as a way to otherwise tell them that there's no space in their lives; that they should water themselves down.

love is naturally, a lot. love is the most terrifying, brutal force in existence asides from genuine war. love is what makes you buckle down onto your goddamned country after being bombed, and holding on for dear life while you attempt to protect your citizens. love will naturally correlate with war; and it has always been that way. manic love will either blindside you to the worse, or uplift you in bliss.

there's a literal goddess of love looking out for me; being able to pin me down on the dot while i stare like a deer in headlights.

essentially what i'm trying to say is: being vulnerable has made me realize i don't have to work for love.

isn't that terrifying?

[youareaveryspecialpersonxxxx]

Boredom volume one

Everything is so embarrassing. being genuine makes me cringe. when im not in love with someone i have no idea who i am or what to do all day. i write about how everything is so embarrassing. i buy mint flavored electronic cigarettes and vape until my hands shake, and when i don’t have the plastic tube in my mouth because it dies or runs out i supplement by popping wintergreen breath mints constantly. i have gone through about one container every day since we broke up.

My brain is crumbling, like how i imagine a preserved butterfly wing would if you touched it. Or what would happen to an old Monet if you let the icky oil on all your fingertips mess with the molecules of the paint or whatever. I never realized that my only hobbies were sucking on necks, texting I love yous, and reading books that were earnestly recommended to me. I know how to look at someone with wide disarming eyes and bat my eyelashes, then turn around and joke that I’m not charming; i don’t know how to fill a day by myself. i am crawling inside a huge vat of molasses, armed only with a graph-papered journal and overdue library books. i push my hands and my arms through the inky thick, and once a day or so i get into the car and sting my hands on the black steering wheel that’s absorbed all of the day’s 102 degrees of heat. i go back home. i sit on the couch. sometimes i’m so bored that i talk to the dog. i watch tv until my head hurts from the screen, i check if he still has our photo on his social media pages, the one where he’s sitting in my lap and im wearing a blue striped shirt, his face turned to me in shock, my face a cats-got-your-tongue grin. small miracle he hasn’t taken it down yet, i think every time i check. that’ll probably be the moment when all of this really sets in.

how do voluntarily single people do this, sitting around all day without someone always on your mind, always above you, always whispering in an animal pitch only your ears are tuned to? that wants to know your every impulse, how you are feeling and what you are doing and how you feel about what you are doing? how you feel about how you’re feeling? what are you up to this weekend, omg i wish i could be there with you, i miss you, i love you infinitely, this is real, we’re forever. i feel like the channel my brain was tuned to, thought it would always be tuned to, got disconnected, turned to static before i could put my feet down firmly on the ground. 

i’ve asked about four of my friends to recommend hobbies to me. one said that i should start styling people; i used to like clothes, but now im too apathetic to buy them, or care about how many rolls of fat they produce on my waistline, one or two. one friend said that i should spend a month just sleeping with women and turning myself lesbian again, and that i should’ve known being with a guy was a futile exercise. two of the others smiled uncomfortably, without teeth. one is in a relationship, about to move in with her girlfriend. i feel that her reticence to acknowledge my situation, much less provide any advice on it, is reflective of her own fear that the same thing will happen to her, when there is more at stake and it’s not as easy as going back to school and saying hi in the hallways instead of hosting giggly sleepovers every other night. 

which is not to say that going back to school will be easy. we have all our stuff in storage together. I haven’t even broken it to him that I lost the key to the unit yet, but I’m hoping i get it handled before i have to break the news in the first place. it’s a thirty minute drive away, with him, which means plenty of silent time to remember how he used to look at me when i would drive and he took passenger, how i would put my hand on the side of his thigh, and how the day we put our stuff there in the first place, i let him sleep and listened to music on earphones because it turns out Uhaul vans don’t have speakers. Surprise! That day, we couldn’t connect our phones, so I played the radio, because silence kills me, it kills me, and Katy Perry came on, “Last friday night”, and i asked if it was okay how loud it was, because he had a headache. He said “of course, of course, it’s fine.” but there was this pained expression on his face for a couple minutes, and when I turned it off he said “Thank God! I hated it.” Us in a nutshell I suppose. Cheers to August.

[quodekash]

i just rewatched the greatest showman for the millionth time and my brain wouldnt shut up so i wrote down all the thoughts i had and expanded on them and stuff and now im sharing them here cos why the flip not 

also a lot of these things probably seem super obvious to most people, but unfortunately i am stupid and slow and it took me ages to realise that races exist and even longer to realise that racism exist and even longer for me to realise that it’s an actual problem. (and its the same thing with all discrimination in general) 

Main Thought #1: Barnum Sucks and Jenny is Amazing 

Jenny is not a bad person. The only thing she did “wrong” was kiss Barnum on stage where there were photographers and stuff, but that was because Barnum led her on and she was hurt and stuff so she might as well ruin his image. Barnum is the problem, he’s always the problem. 

And Barnum’s reaction to her singing wasn’t “wow she’s so talented, look at this gift she has, this is lovely”. You can see it, there’s hunger deep in his eyes, there’s excitement of the potential power he could have over her, there’s shock because she could make me successful. With everyone he meets, he never sees potential, he doesn’t do things for them out of the kindness of his heart, he isn’t helping others. He’s using every single person like tools for his own self gain. 

And Charity sees Barnum’s face there, and she’s not even jealous. She’s scared. She reads her husband’s expression like a book, and immediately knows: this poor woman’s life is going to be ruined. And Charity won’t be able to do anything about it. 

Later on, when they’re on tour, Jenny is flirting with Barnum I think, but he rejects her. But she knows he has a wife, she’s met her and she’s also met his kids. Although Barnum would probably twist the story to make it seem like Jenny forced herself upon him, that it’s her fault he cheated, I don’t believe that one bit. Jenny is a kind person. She wouldn’t have tried to pursue him if he hadn’t been giving her signs or reasons to, if he hadn’t been engaging with her in return. He was leading her on, making her think there could be something between them. But then he realises she’s actually grown attached to him, that she wants to be with him, and he doesn’t want that, he just wanted to use her for fame and money and success.

“I’m just another one of your little acts.” He was using her like a tool, just like he did with everyone else he’s ever seemed to care for.

She kisses him and says “That was goodbye.” I feel like she wouldn’t kiss him randomly for the first time as a goodbye. That’s a jerk move. She wasn’t kissing him for the first time, she was kissing him for the last time, because they’ve been doing things together throughout this entire trip, we the audience just haven’t seen it. But he cut her off, not out of love for his wife, but because he doesn’t want her, he wants her fame. 

“I’m not in love with her!” “Of course, you’re not. Not with her, not with me, not with anyone. Just you and your show.” The one person he only ever cared about was Charity, the only person he made a real personal connection with was Charity, the only person that he was never trying to gain from was Charity. He finally regrets everything he’s done because he realises it was the final straw. It wasn’t him cheating that made Charity leave. It was her realisation that he doesn’t care for others, he only cares for himself. Charity is freaking perfect and lovely and Barnum doesn’t deserve her. 

Main Thought #2: Barnum Sucks and Lettie+TheGang are Amazing 

The reason they all feel so betrayed is because they’re outcasts. People hate them, the only people that talk to them are people who only want to give them hate and pain and misery, and hate and pain and misery is all they have ever known their lives to be. But then they met Barnum. And Barnum introduced them to people like them, other people who are treated badly for reasons beyond their control. Most of them probably didn’t even have a family, they were probably abused, disowned, homeless. But Barnum treated them like people, he talked to them like friends, he gave them a job and a meaning and a reason to be and they were happy and had a family. They finally had a place to belong, could finally feel like human freaking beings, and he closed the door on them. He’d gone up the social hierarchy ladder, one rung at a time, slowly climbing up and up, until he joined the oppressors. 

They take a stand against Barnum, against the people who made their lives hell, against everyone who ever wronged them because they’re human beings who don’t deserve how they’ve been treated, they deserve love

Main Thought #3: Barnum Sucks but Lettie is Freaking Awesome 

“Maybe you are a fraud. Maybe it was just about making a buck. But you gave us a real family.”

That translates to something along the lines of: Yeah, you suck. But you gave us a reason to live.

Lettie’s saying that, yeah, Barnum freaking sucks. He doesn’t really care about anyone other than himself. But, without realising it, he gave them a place to belong, and that’s pretty freaking special. She’s trying to tell him that he’s horrible, but he managed to do some good things. Maybe he can change and manage to do even more good things, but intentionally this time.

And then Barnum kisses Lettie on the cheek, and she makes this face of hope and joy, and I used to think like ‘ew I hope she doesn’t have a crush on him that would make this a lot less meaningful’

But I’ve only just realised (cos im really flipping slow) that her face there was her thinking about how far they’ve come, how he’s becoming a better person, that he’s gonna start turning into the person he appeared to be when they all first met him: a kind, open-minded guy who’s willing to give everyone a chance at love.

Main Thought #4: Anne and Phillip 

“You’ve never had someone look at you the way your parents looked at me” 

I used to think, in rewrite the stars, that Anne is being stupid and hopeless because obviously there’s hope what are you talking about? But I’ve only now realised (cos it took me way too long to become a more open person, and to understand that, hey, sometimes people hate other people, and, hey, racism exists) that her reality, every single freaking day, is terrible comments, people staring, people whispering that she shouldn’t exist, and even after finding a home in these people, there are still the comments, there are still the stares, there are still the whispers. The terrible people will always exist, and there’s no hope trying because she’ll always be hated. Her hands are tied, she can’t change anything in anyone, no matter how much she feels like she might belong.

But Phillip is sure that they can rewrite the stars, that they can change things, if only they’re brave enough. They could leave the room, hand in hand, and there’ll be comments, there’ll be staring, there’ll be whispers. But they’ll go through it together, they won’t stop their love for anyone or anything.

And then Phillip is in hospital. He’s dying. And the moment he wakes up, the moment she knows he’s safe, they kiss. Right there in the hospital, in front of so many people. Because she’s realised that life is too short, too precious, to let it go to waste. They shouldn’t be ashamed of their love, shouldn’t hide it, because either of them could be gone at any given moment, so they might as well shout their love to the freaking heavens.

Main Thought #5: idk what to title this one but it’s short

IT’S SO MEANINGFUL THE WAY THEY HUG (at least at first) INSTEAD OF KISS AT THE END OF THE MOVIE

I love it when couples don’t kiss after making up from a fight. Like you don’t need to display romantic affection. You can just show that you’re there for each other, that you’re sorry, that you love them and you’re gonna try to be better in the future. And that can be communicated with a big long comfortable hug, it can be communicated with your eyes, it can be communicated verbally. I’ve always thought that it’s so much more meaningful when couples don’t kiss after something important for their relationship happens. Somehow it’s so much more personal to be vulnerable with each other, to hug or look into each other’s eyes or to talk or anything else, instead of kissing.  

Random Thoughts That Aren’t Important At All But I Felt Like Sharing Them: 

THIS ENTIRE SOUNDTRACK IS SO BEAUTIFUL 

All the songs are so freaking good. And yeah, This Is Me is a good song, and I like the song. But it’s so overplayed and the rest of the songs in the soundtrack don’t get nearly as much love and respect and appreciation even though every single song is basically perfection 

JENNY IS SO TALENTED HOW 

i am in love with this entire cast 

THE DOPAMINE LEVELS FROM WATCHING THIS MOVIE ARE FREAKING INSANE 

with every single song that came on i said out loud to my family “this is objectively the best song” because they’re all such freaking good songs 

THIS MOVIE IS SO FREAKING GOOD I LOVE IT 

[skullfacedog]

ok I know trying to force myself to remember my repressed memories is bad and all, thinking too much about it is bad, ik, HOWEVER I am desperate to know if they’re real so I did some research last night to try to figure out what daycare I went to as a kid bc I’m angry that I just do not remember anything about my daycare. and I looked thru like, every single daycare in my hometown that I could find online and it’s so frustrating bc I don’t recognize any of them, I feel like I’m just trying to piece together tiny splices of memories that are extremely blurry and distorted and it’s like, well I KNOW for a fact that I went to some daycare or separate preschool thing as a 5 year old before elementary school, I never went to pre-k in a normal elementary school I went to some separate preschool thing instead. but either the place I went to is closed now and I can’t find info on it online or my memory is so shit I can’t recognize it from the pictures I looked at, or it’s visually changed so much in the past 12 years that I just don’t recognize it anymore which is definitely a possibility. there’s 2 in particular that kiiind of seem familiar but I’m not entirely sure. I hate talking to my family unless it’s necessary but I may try to casually ask my mom at some point what the daycare/preschool I went to was because I was just thinking about it or something. but she’s dealing with a lot of medical stuff rn so I don’t wanna casually ask smth like that rn lol.

I also tried doing some research into convicted criminals in my hometown. none of them look familiar and I can’t find any that have been records of working at a school or daycare at all, which is kind of shocking that there are no convicted criminals who worked with kids in my hometown like there’s no way there’s just no pedos who worked with kids in that town?? so all that really tells me is that they were never caught :/ or I guess they could’ve moved and been convicted in another city/state but it seems impossible to find what I’m looking for online. the fact that there are no sex offenders who worked around kids in my hometown kinda makes me doubt my repressed memories more but ik a lot of those people, especially if they’re religious which my hometown is highly religious, get away with it for the rest of their lives. and that makes me so mad. I hope my abuser is dead or living a miserable life and slowly rotting and I really hope he’s not able to hurt anyone else.

another thing I remembered recently is my parents not wanting me to go to a religious summer camp because they previously had an outed pedo at that summer camp (he was in jail and I was 17 at the time so I was mad they still didn’t let me go lmao) and I swear I remember them connecting that situation to another time a pedo was outed after working with kids, seemingly in our hometown but I don’t remember if they said where it was? I’m p sure they just said like “nevermind” and changed the subject but I could be misremembering bc that was 9 years ago and I have absolute shit memory lol (my high school years are blurry as fuck I love trauma brain!!) like idk if I’m just making shit up to fit my narrative or if that rlly happened bc if it did that’s sus af. and I didn’t think much of it at the time so I didn’t take note of it. but whatever, I’ll prob just ask my mom about the daycare so I can get the name and once I have the name of the daycare I can do more research to figure out if they had any sus workers or convicted criminals who previously worked there or any bad reviews, and look at pictures online to see if it triggers any memories. ik I’m not ready to remember the whole thing but I just need enough to know if my feelings are legit or if I’m literally just insane and gaslighting myself into believing I have repressed CSA because I want to be sicker or whatever. I keep thinking like idk I was kinda a normal kid tho there was nothing sus about me... but then I think about how quiet I was, how I was so scared of sexual topics but in private would be utterly fascinated by it, how I was the most obedient child in existence. I literally have paraphilias and traumakinks and I’m like hmmmm maybe I am making it up and never actually experienced csa lol <3

also been wondering lately if I have a system trauma holder who just hasn’t shown themselves bc none of my current headmates are trauma holders. so like @ my trauma holder if you exist ily ty for doing your job and keeping the rest of us safe, shoutout to trauma holders fr. ty for bearing our burden and allowing me to live a SOMEWHAT normal childhood despite having neglectful religious parents and not identifying as human on top of everything else lol.

[yourmidnightlover]

never go back

Summary: spencer notices how your boyfriend takes advantage of you and finally does something about it.

TW: titty sucking, oral (female receiving), cheating, dom!spencer, scratching, slapping (only one), cursing, choking, spencer dirty talk lol, penetrative sex, creampie. *let me know if i missed anything*

WC: 3,724

A/N - i'm using noah as the 'other man' schtick in probably all of my future one shots bc i can't find it within myself to create a new character each and every time. so your douche of a bf will always be noah miller. if you ever get a nice bf i'll be sure to change his name but for now this is what we're working with. got it? got it.

masterlist

-------------------------------

there are many things that people should go back to. schooling, maybe an old job, an old vacation spot.

your boyfriend was not one of those things.

mostly because your boyfriend sucked.

it was now a fact that spencer reid himself had come to believe quite a while ago and now, well now he had reason.

he had always felt as though you were too good for noah, similar for practically anyone in existence (himself included). he was always a complete ass to you no matter the circumstance.

there was one time the entire team had been back really late from a case that took a toll on all of you. it was emotionally and physically draining. the flight back had been delayed because of weather issues in the state you had been in, meaning you couldn't leave until days after it was solved.

any time you had gone to answer the phone, spencer would be able to see your stance and body language through the glass window. you had been apologizing for something you couldn't even control. you would narrow your brows the way you only did when you were being yelled at. you bit your lip the way you did when you were being made to feel guilty.

he was guilt tripping you for something you couldn't even control.

when you had gotten back it wasn't any better. noah had been giving you the cold shoulder. he was defensive when you asked what was wrong.

and that was only 3 weeks into the relationship.

after being together for 2 months, you had gotten flowers delivered on your desk. you assumed they were from your boyfriend, reasonably so, and went to go thank him. spencer saw the shock in your eyes when you saw your boyfriend huddled in the corner with some new intern. spencer saw the look in your eye change from sadness to anger in the blink of his own.

you took a deep breath, and walked away from the situation, completely missing the way he tucked the intern's hair behind her ear as he leaned in to whisper something to make her giggle. when you got back to your desk you threw the flowers in the garbage can, not even bothering to read the note.

it was pretty indirect, but looking into it he realized it was an issue that should've been addressed. every time the team would go out together, everyone was clearly invited. you would always decline because 'noah wanted to take me out tonight' or 'noah said he needs me, so i'll have to rain check'.

it wasn't because you were a bad person, the opposite actually. it was because noah was taking advantage of your kindness.

because any time you needed him, 'noah's out with the boys' or 'noah had to work late' or, here's a kicker, 'noah had a hard time at work'. as if you don't have a hard time looking at dead bodies while he just has to write up reports.

even when you got injured during a case, shot in the shoulder, noah seemed as though he couldn't have cared less. he wouldn't even go to your apartment to visit you while you were in recovery because 'noah didn't have time to visit'.

spencer could even recall when you went out with the girls one night, spencer being the designated driver, that you had told them how 'noah didn't want you to dress too provocatively so you had to wear something more modest'.

now, spencer doesn't care all to much about what you wear because, frankly, it's none of his business. but now that he heard how noah cared oh-so-much, he decided to wrack his brain for the 'provocative' outfits you've worn. there was not a single one that anyone should make a comment about. you looked stunning no matter what you wore, so you'd grab any man's attention no matter the clothing on your body.

but spencer? he made sure to never be that much of an asshole to you. he made sure to make up for him being an asshole.

he would grab you some morning coffee like you always had before you had a boyfriend. he would make sure to tell you that you looked lovely when you were able to go out with the team. he would visit you when you injured yourself and were lonely, he even stayed back for a few days with you to help you get through it.

hell, he was the one to get you the flowers. you had been having a rough week and spencer thought it might cheer you up. he had gifted you a bouquet of 12, blue chiffon flowers because those were your favorite.

but this was his breaking point. you had come to his apartment, once again in the middle of the night, talking about noah fucking miller cheating on you.

he had done it once before when he was 'out with the boys' you decided to stop by when he said he'd be back, wanting to just be the amazing girlfriend that you are. so when you walk in and hear your boyfriend moaning along with another woman that isn't you, you immediately run back out. you run back out and drive all the way to spencer's.  

and here you are again. spencer wasn't mad at you, it was noah he was mad at. he couldn't believe what he was hearing.

spencer had always liked you, no, he's always loved you. everything about you. how could he not? you're perfect.

but loving you how he does and seeing you being used as a toy to fuck for a certain noah miller not only made his heart ache but also made his blood boil.

spencer wasn't an idiot. he had heard the way the old morgan had referred to women. the thing is, noah is way more of a fuckboy than the old morgan ever was. and that scared spencer to pieces. he knew that you would only be missing out on team outings just to get fucked by a douchebag. he knew that the only reason said douchebag wouldn't visit you was because you couldn't fuck. he knew that the reason said douchebag was cornering that intern was to fuck her, too.

so when you arrived at spencer's place, this time you weren't crying. you were furious. you were angry and upset, as was spencer.

"he did it again, spence," you breathed out as you paced across his living room floor. "i was supposed to meet him in a few hours but i was going to surprise him and i caught him with another tramp! i didn't even confront him. i just- i just left!"

"cheated? noah?" he asked as if he didn't believe it at first, not wanting to seem like as much of a dick as noah.

"yes! cheated. god! i am so ANGRY!" you ran your hand through your hair, a grunt leaving your mouth. "and... and frustrated! and... UGH!" you sighed aggressively.

"and what?" spencer asked as he stood up, slowly making his way to you. "what else?" he said, his hand now brushing that stubborn strand of hair behind your ear.

"i-i'm..." you trailed off, getting lost in his beautiful eyes.

if you were honest with yourself, you'd admit how much you loved spencer. but you thought he'd never love you like that. not since you helped him through jj getting married. he really thought she was it for him, at least that's what you'd come to think he believed. over the years you had grown so much closer and grown such an attraction for each other that the other person knew about. it was ironic, truly.

"say it, y/n," spencer leaned over you, his lips ghosting over yours. "i need to hear you say it."

"god, just kiss me," you said, your hands flying to the back of his hair to push his mouth to yours.

there was no hesitation from spencer to give you everything he had. his hand on the side of your face remained there as his other hand drifted to your waist to pull you closer to his body. your tongues met fervently with covetous, passion, and longing yet with just gentle firmness that felt protecting and as if it was how everything was supposed to be.

"please, spencer," you quietly whispered once you unlatched from one another.

"please what, princess," he asked, his hand running through your hair.

"i just... i need you," she pleaded with him, her hands still tugging gently on his hair. "please," you put your foreheads together, breathing in each others air as you silently begged him to help you in any way that he could.

"i'd do anything for you," he whispered so delicately as if the entire team were standing right beside you. "you know i'd do anything for you."

"then do something," you demanded.

spencer took action by kissing you just as intensely as before, this time his hands went to your ass. he grabbed your thighs to signal for you to jump, once you did you wrapped your legs around his torso as he carried you into his bedroom. he set you down just in front of the bed before you began to undo his shirt, him returning the favor by undoing yours.

"god, i've wanted you for so long," he growled, nipping gently at your earlobe as he laid you back on the bed. "lift your hips," he ordered, you obeyed his every command. you always would. "good girl," he praised as he ran his hands down your now bare waist.

"please," you begged, your hips bucking up to get any source of friction. "spencer..." you trailed off.

"i know, princess. i know," he said before climbing on top of you, connecting your lips with his once again, this time much more eager than before if that were possible.

as you arched your back, he took the opportunity to unclasp the hook on your bra. you shrugged it off your shoulders to allow him to throw the bra somewhere else in his room. he finally took a breath, removing his lips from yours to admire the view in front of him.

"god, you're so beautiful," he growled before placing gentle but eager kisses along the tops of your breasts, massaging the one his mouth wasn't on.

he pressed his knee between your legs, allowing you to buck your hips up to get that release you wanted so bad. you whined as he took your nipple in his mouth, his tongue flicking past it rapidly as he occasionally nibbled on it gently.

"spen-spencer," you ran your hands through his hair, tugging gently on the roots.

"mmm," he sat his head up, trailed kisses up your throat. "god, i love you so much."

"i-i love you," you moaned, pulling his head up to connect your lips together. "i love you so so much."

"i'm so glad to hear that," he huffed a sigh of relief. "because otherwise it'd be awkward when i did this," he began trailing kisses down your body, leading down towards your center. "i'll show you what it's like to be with a man that actually loves and respects you, yea? show you what it feels like to actually be pleased by a man? what it's like to be with a real man?" he teased.

his fingers trailed around your entrance, gathering your arousal that'd been building for what felt like ages. he pressed gentle kisses around your pussy before finally connecting his lips with your clit, a low groan emitting from your body because of the contact.

"yes, please," you shot your head back, relishing in the feeling of the direct skin contact.

"hey," spencer slapped your thigh, your head shot back up to see him between your legs, a truly beautiful sight that you'd never get tired of. "eyes on me," he demanded before going back down on you, not breaking eye contact as he brought out sounds from you that you weren't even sure you could make. "talk to me, princess. let me know how it feels."

"fe-feels so good," you sighed, taking your breasts in your hands and massaging them. "i-i can-can't even think," you stuttered out, too caught up in the pleasure to form a coherent sentence.

you had felt so good as he sucked on your clit, succeeding in bringing you closer to the edge than noah ever has, but when he inserted two fingers into your entrance...

"oh my fuck!" your hands shot down to grab onto his locks, pushing him further into your body, a low groan leaving him.

his fingers didn't stop their work. he curled them at just the right spot, sending you flying over the edge. spencer used his free hand to grab onto your thigh to keep them from closing in completely on his head, still working you through your high. he placed a kiss on your clit once more before he brought his head up to you, connecting your lips passionately.

"could noah ever make you come like that? huh? could he make you feel so good you could barely even think?" he grabbed your chin in his hands, holding it in place to look at him as you shook your head the best you could. "no?"

"mm-mm," you tried to shake your head 'no' once more.

"did you think of him while i was going down on you? were you thinking about how he fucked that little tramp?" he asked harshly, you shook your head 'no' again. "oh, what were you thinking, princess?" he finally released your face so you could speak.

"ab-about how well you know my body. about how, how good you looked between my legs. about how much i love you," you replied quickly, knowing exactly what to say.

"right answer," he connected your lips once more. "what do you want, love?" he asked, peppering soft kisses along your jaw where his hands once held your throat firmly.

"you. i-i want you in-inside me," you swallowed, your hand finding his and pulling it up to your lips to press a kiss to it, then another, then another, then another. "please, doctor?" you used your best puppy dog eyes you knew he couldn't resist.

"god, call me that again," he rasped lowly.

"what... doctor?" you took his hand and started sucking on his fingers, letting them slip in and out slowly and then moving onto the next.

"fuck, yes," he growled as he pressed another kiss to your lips before lining himself up at your center. "are you sure, princess?" he traced your jaw with the fingers you were previously sucking on.

"yes, sir," you nodded. "i'm sure."

you felt him slowly push inside of you slowly to allow you to adjust to his size. you had your suspicions of how big he was, but feeling him inside of you made it all much more real.

"fuck, you're so tight," he moaned into your ear quietly as he slowly pulled back out, going in just as slow.

"sp-spence-"

"wrong," he slapped your face gently, a whimper leaving your lips before he grasped your face to make you look him in the eyes.

"doc-doctor," you corrected yourself.

"good girl," he said, feeling your pussy clench from the praise. "oh you like that?" he felt it again. "maybe you just like hearing me talk, yea?" his pace began picking up slowly. "you like hearing how this pussy makes me feel? how tight... and warm... and wet it is?"

"u--uh huh," you nodded your head the best you could as he began thrusting much more rapid, hitting that special spot inside of you with each movement.

"it seems like you haven't felt this good in a long time huh? haven't had your pussy pounded like this in a while?" he asked as he was catching his breath.

"ne-never, doctor," you confirmed, hands reaching around his back and dragging your nails down, surely leaving scratch marks all down them.

"fuck," he growled. "noah never made you feel this good princess? never made you forget how to speak in sentences? never knew how to get you going like this?"

"n-no, no! never! god, never!" you cried as you pulled his body even closer to you. "i-i'm close, please!"

"you wanna come all over my dick, yea? you want to show me how much your pussy loves it when a real man fucks it?"

that was it to let that spring burst inside of you, parts flying everywhere. you cried his name as he worked you through your orgasm, holding onto his shoulders and hair to keep you grounded.

"cum inside me, please," you begged. "fi-fill me up."

"fuck, whatever you want, princess," he kept pounding into you at a rapid pace. "god, i'm gonna come inside you, and send you back to that scumbag of a boyfriend so he can see that you're mine now. so he can see what happens when his girlfriend is mistreated and fucked by someone who knows what they're doing, yea?"

"yea, yea!" you whined, nails digging back into his skin as he released his load into you, thrusting it gently back inside after.

"god, i love you so much," he moaned into your ear, pressing a kiss to your cheek by your ear.

"i love you," you replied, stroking his hair to help him come down, him still inside of you. he began thrusting inside of you once again.

"don't want any of it to spill out before you get to him," he felt you clench around him one more time. "you're very responsive, princess. i like that about you."

"it-it's just you, spence. it's always been you," you pulled him in for another kiss.

this one was full of passion but not the kind of eagerness. it was full of desire and longing, pent up emotions flowing out into one another fluidly.

"now let me go see my soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend," you huffed as he pulled out of you, wincing from the overstimulation. "i'll see you later?"

"i'll see you later," he pressed a kiss to your forehead before helping you gather your clothes.

driving back to his apartment, you felt rather giddy with yourself. should you have felt bad? absolutely not. he's a manipulative asshole who's used you for sex on numerous occasions, so he deserved the bittersweet irony of what was coming to him.

*get it, coming to him? lol i'm sorry i had to :)*

you knocked on the door softly, greeted by a rather chipper noah who grabbed your face as soon as he saw you, connecting your lips. his kiss was nothing like spencer's. his lips weren't as soft and tentative. they weren't plump and round, they were harsh and rough and unpleasant.

he quickly led you to the bedroom, not to your surprise. he sat down on the bed, you straddled his hips, acting as if it were spencer instead - which was pretty hard to do after knowing what he was like in the sack.

you felt his boner through his pants quickly after you got on top of him. then when he flipped you over and pulled your pants and underwear down, he was met with a surprise.

"someone's excited to see me," he chuckled before licking a thick stripe from your slit to clit, very aggressive to where it almost hurt to have the pressure. "god you taste so good, doll."

he continued at this for a while, inserting his tongue to your hole very once in a while and licking up yours and spencer's arousal with it. you faked your moans and whimpers as his ministrations became more eager, not really getting you anywhere.

after he was finished with your turn - no, he didn't even make you cum - he laid back on the bed as if he were waiting for you to get on top of him again.

"actually," you stood up from the bed, pulling up your clothes with you. "i'm done with this. we're over."

you watched his face as he took in the information just released to him. it changed from surprised and shocked, to confused, to disgusted, to angry and frustrated.

"what the fuck?" he sat up from the bed, a disgruntled look on his face. "you wait until after you cum to tell me this?" he walked over to you, arms flailing in the air.

"yea. i did. and by the way, i didn't cum," you informed him. "that's something you've never really been good at making me do. although i'm not sure how you've been able to convince me to do anything with the way you treat me."

"what do you mean? i'm a good gu-"

"shut up for one second, please," you rolled your eyes, running your hand through your hair. "i know you've cheated on me numerable times. i stayed because i thought that maybe there was a reason, but i've come to realize that i was just... settling with you," you shrugged.

"you've treated me like crap since this 'relationship' started and i'm tired of it. i know someone who not only treats me with respect and kindness, but can also actually make me cum. shocker," you chuckled.

"who is this asshole? what the hell-"

"i wasn't finished, sweetie," you spat out viciously. "he's not an asshole. you're the asshole. you're the one that's getting dumped. so this is goodbye," you turned around to walk out of his room before leaving him with one more thought. "how did his cum taste with mine?" you tilted your head innocently, smiling at his shocked face as he realized what you meant before walking out.

and you were never more glad that you didn't have to go back to him anymore.

taglist:

@muffin-cup​ @greenprisca​ @averyhotchner​ 

[roscgcld]

DAYDREAMING!AU || new reality

;request: rn i’m obsessed with your writing & the daydreaming!reader<33 but i also love angst so what would happen if she ended up getting really hurt protecting another student - hope that wasn’t too weird.. again, i love your writing !!

note: ahaha, i am glad that a lot of people enjoy my daydreaming!reader works; she is also one of my babies as well >< and originally i wasn't going to do this cause i had no idea on what to write - but i had managed to layout a rocky plan before i got some bursts of inspiration lol. ended up becoming too loud though ><” I am sorry for that~

pronouns: she/her

daydreaming!reader masterlist

“There is a chance that she will never wake up from this.”

Shoko gave the others in the room a concerned glance as she glanced up from her tablet, hating how silent it was besides the quiet beeping of the machines around the occupied bed. Laying in the bed was Y/N, a breathing tube carefully inserted into her mouth with the ventilator beside her being the only thing that’s keeping her oxygen levels normal. “The amount of damage she took was quite large. And even though she had managed to regulate quite a strong barrier of Curse Energy around her at all times, it wasn’t enough to brace her for the impact of her being slammed into the build.”

The mission shouldn’t have ended this way - the first and second year students were sent on a mission to deal with a few Finger Bearers that had appeared in the city due to the lack of sorcerers on duty at the time. They were under the care of a few First Grade sorcerers, all hand-picked by Yaga-sensei to ensure the safety of the kids.

However, things rarely go to plan in the jujutsu world.

Yaga-sensei sighs softly as he leans back into his seat, his eyes glancing over at his student that was clearly battling to stay alive. Guilt started to eat him from the inside out, since this was technically his fault. Sure, everyone knows that there is no way that you can go on a mission without enduring some casualties. But the fact is that this was not what he had expected for the outcome to be.. “I am going to kill them myself.”

“G-Gojo-san!” Ijichi hissed out as he glances over at the white haired shaman in the room with wide eyes, the man having been leaning against the wall opposite from the hospital bed with his arms crossed over his chest. His head was tipped forward with an almost too casual expression on his face, yet anyone can tell the barely suppressed anger that lurked underneath. An anger that was only a few moments away from exploding. “You can’t - don’t say things like that!”

“And you expect me to sit back as they failed to save the children?” Gojo asks in a loud voice, effectively squashing whatever confidence Ijichi had built up inside of him. The hand that was resting arm tightened, the veins at the back of his pale hands started to protrude out as Gojo’s anger started to show itself. “I need a good explanation on how their incompetency put our student in this state. 5 First Grades against 3 Special Grade Curses? With 7 talented students by their side and they still can’t handle it? Give me a fucking break.”

“Not everyone can be like you, Satoru.” Yaga-sensei finally mumbles out as he rests his forehead into his hand, fingers pinching at the space between his eyes tiredly. “If anything, it was my fault. I had underestimated the brains of the Finger Bearers, and because of that, all my calculations were wrong. I put retrieving the fingers over numbers. So if you want to find someone to be angry to, the blame is on me.”

The room went quiet after Yaga’s explanation, both Ijichi and Shoko sharing a caution look before casting a glance over at the blindfolded man. After a few tensed moments Gojo pushed himself off the wall and walked out of the hospital room without another word, closing the door behind him quietly; a stark contrast to his usual habit of either slamming the shoji doors too hard, or leaving it open completely.

That out of character move definitely had Shoko sighing in concern. “That idiot...I hope he’s not going to do anything stupid.” She mumbles softly before she turned back to face the young girl laying on the bed, quietly reaching over to brush her fingers through the soft strands that had fallen over Y/N sleeping face. “You better wake up soon, sweetheart...I worry that this might finally push him over the edge.”

Occupying each seat outside of the small waiting area in the infirmary were the other students; wounds bandaged, yet their anxiety was palpable in the air. They had heard what had happened, yet were sheild by the other sorcerers who had called for back-up. Last they heard of Y/N was a scream before what sounded like a building collasping. “Do you think Y/N-senpai is alright?”

Yuji was the first one who dared to break the silence, glancing up from his clenched hands before him to glance at the others. “I mean...it must have been bad, since she was charted off as soon as back up arrived.” Yuji mutters softly as he tightened his fingers together, trying to stop them from shaking. He felt awful - if only he had spared a few seconds to glance over at his senpai, maybe she wouldn’t be in the condition she’s in now. “It’s not every day you’re rushed straight to Ieiri-sensei’s office...”

“...If there is one idiot who can pull through, it’ll be her,” Maki mumbles out quietly after awhile, looking away from her kouhai to stare down at the wooden floors of the building they were in. “Even if it’s bad, she always pulls through it...there is no reason why she can’t do it this time.” She mutters softly just as a pair of footsteps came towards them, causing everyone to look up at the approaching figure. 

Gojo paused when he spotted the others, the question they wanted to ask was clear as day. And for once, Gojo wished that he was able to reassure them like he always does. For him to be able to put up the act that everything was alright, that everyone will be okay. 

But he knew that it’ll do no justice if he did. “Is she...is she alright?”

The question that fell from Yuta’s mouth was left hanging in the air for a few moments, the sliver of hope they had moments ago slowly dimming with each passing moment. Quietly Gojo slipped his hands into his pockets, his blindfolded eyes downcast; too scared to see their reactions. For once, he wished that he was not the one to break the news to the students. “Y/N-chan...might not recovery from this.”

His words sent shock waves through the students, yet he balled his fists up in his pockets to continue with what he had to say. “She hit her head too hard...and if she was not subconsciously protecting herself with Cursed Energy all the time, the impact would have caused her skull to crack in two on impact. But it still took a lot out of her person, and Shoko said that-”

The sound of a metal chair being thrown backwards echoed across the room, causing Gojo to look up just in time to see Yuta standing up with wide eyes as he hastily tried to calm his friend. “Maki, you need to calm down.” He tried to reason with the girl, who had her backed turn to the group, her hands shoved deep into the pockets of her jacket. “This isn’t your fault-” Yuta tried to reason, only to pause when Maki just silently started to walk away, leaving with no more but a loud slam of the main door that echoed down the hallway once more. 

For a few moments no one said anything else, yet the first one to move was Megumi; who turned to face his sensei. “Can we visit her?” He mumbled out quietly, to which Gojo just glanced over at him with a slightly raised eyebrow. “Usually people talk to someone who is in a coma. Might jolt them awake or give them encouragement to fight harder...I am sure Y/N-senpai will get lonely if no one visited her..”

“Why not?” Gojo said after a few moments of thought, giving his students what he hope was a reassuring smile as he turns a little; nodding down the hallway. “Shoko managed to stabalise her condition. Just make sure to sanatise your hands at the door.”

Quietly the group of students followed behind their silent sensei, keeping close to one another as if they were trying to give each other comfort. The walk to the room seemed too far, the door seeming to grow further and further away from them with each step. It was if it was trying to stop them from seeing the truth; yet they didn’t stop. Yet soon they found themselves standing before the smooth door; the single grey name plaque with her name written in black resting in the silver plaque holder. “Right, here we are.”

After everyone was handed a blob of hand sanitiser and had wiped it onto their skin, the small group entered after a quiet knock to the door. “Y/N-chan, I’ve returned with the others...minus one, that is.” Gojo hummed out in delight as he made his way towards the bed, a silent gesture for the others to do the same. “You know Maki-chan though. Once she finishes beating herself up, she’ll come running back. She always does~”

Quietly the others made their way into the room, eyes scanning over the beeping machines and many wires connected to the sleeping girl. “Y/N...senpai..” Nobara mumbles out in shock, her eyes resting the ventilator; not believing that a girl that was bounding about the college earlier today now needed help to do something as simple as breathing. “No way...there is...”

A warm hand rest on the top of her head, Megumi quietly giving her a form of comfort whilst his wide eyes stared at the bed before him in shock. No one dared take a step forward, like they were standing on the other side of a fragile glass bridge that was moments away from breaking. “Y/N..”

Gojo felt the hole started to eat inside of him as he watches how his students were staring at their fellow classmate in shock. Quietly he settled down in the only seat at the corner of the room, watching from the shadows at how the others will react to seeing her in such a state. The first person to snap out of it was Yuta, who quietly places a hand on Toge’s shoulders before giving it a light squeeze. “Shall we go and say hello?” 

Quietly Yuta made his way towards the bed, only to hesitate one step away from grabbing onto her hand. He stared at the frail hand, a simple IV needle carefully taped on the back of her palm for a few moments; a clear look of uncertainty on his face. Yet he took a deep breath, and with a trembling hand, carefully took Y/N’s cold hand in his. “I...Hi, Y/N...” Yuta mumbles quietly into the hospital room, voice barely heard over the constant beeping of the heart monitor. “Sorry...we took awhile to visit...and sorry that Maki isn’t here...I am sure she’ll drop by when she is ready though.”

The only response he got was the sound of the steady beep of the heart monitor, to which he just tighten his grip ever so slightly on Y/N’s unmoving hand. He could hear the soft giggle that Y/N would let out at his words, and if he felt tears welling up in his eyes as he hears her voice bouncing around inside his head.

“It’s alright, Yuta-san! I am sure you were busy before that. And I know Maki-chan will come after you leave - but you didn’t hear that secret from me~”

The silence of the hospital room made Yuta sick to the stomach, the idea that he might never hear Y/N’s voice again started to really sink in. Her usually warm and familiar touch felt cold and lifeless, causing Yuta to carefully tuck her hand underneath her hospital blanket; as if he was trying to warm it up once more. “I...I am going to go grab her favourite stuffed animal from her room. I am sure she’d love to have something of comfort whilst she’s here...if you’ll excuse me.”

Without another word Yuta just walked out of the room quietly, Yuji being the only one turning to watch his senpai leave with a look of concern. Out of everyone Yuji was definitely the one who seemed to be able to hold himself together the most, so it was no surprise when he was the one that went next. “Yo, Y/N-senpai,” Yuji greeted quietly as he walked towards the hospital bed, easily dodging all the wires and such. After all, this wasn’t his first time visiting someone he cares for in the hospital. “Can you hear me? I hope you can - or not Fushiguro might lecture me for being loud.”

The other sorcerer couldn’t even find his voice whilst Yuji continues on; his voice soft yet soothing as he looks down at his senpai with nothing more but a soft smile. “I know you’re trying your hardest go come back to us, and you’d probably tell us that we’re not the ones to blame. That you’re a big girl now, and things like this happen all the time.” Yuji continues, the only indication to his change of mood was the slight quiver that was hard to hide. Yet Yuji continued on anyway. “I hope you know we miss you...and we’re worried sick that you’re in the state you are now. But I know that you need some time to rest up, and soon you’ll be back on your feet again, right? ‘Cause..b-because that’s how you’ve always been.”

Silence enveloped the room once more, with Yuji just not sure on what else to say to her as he stared at her pale face. The other three in the room sort of just huddled together, all of them unsure of what to say to her. They weren’t the best with emotional words - beside Toge, who usually doesn’t use words at all - so asking them to keep their tone in check whilst referring to their unconscious classmate is a little too much for them.

So after awhile Yuji decided to lead them out of the hospital room, giving Gojo a parting smile before he closes the door behind him. Leaving him alone as he stared at the slumbering figure of his student as he rests his elbows on his parted knees. Quietly he rests his head in his hands, eyes closed as he tried to push back the light migraine that was coming on. He hates that it is his duty to break the news to the others - her parents, her elders. Heck, he has to give a call to Nanami and Utahime to tell them the bad news. 

If it was anything else, he wound be more than excited to blow their phones up. But this? He wishes that the duty was handed to someone else - because he himself doesn’t even believe that this was happening in the first place. 

He wishes that this was all just a terrible nightmare.

Maki quietly pushed the window open as she climbed in from the roof, the doors of halls of the infirmary long going silent; cicadas chirping away in the night sky. Maki quietly stuffed her hands into the pockets of her hoodie, eyes racking over Y/N’s sleeping form, to the amount of machines that were working by her side to make sure that she’s alive. “Hey, idiot...I’ve arrived.”

Quietly she made her way towards Y/N’s bedside, her eyes clouding over with an unreadable emotion. If she was being honest, she didn’t know how to react right now. On one hand, she was pissed - she is pissed off because she could have done something to help Y/N. Maybe if she was just faster, just a bit more aware, maybe if she was training to try harder. Maybe if she can just try harder-

A loud slap sounded across the room, Maki having pulled her hand out of her pocket to slap across her cheek hard to snap out of the spiraling thoughts. The burning sting on her cheek reminded her to return to reality before she started to trash the room out of anger, something that she and Y/N had been working on for some time now. Y/N would always say, “You should never turn to anger and violence to deal with your issues!”

Maki wonders what her reaction would be if she had saw Maki slapping herself so hard that there was a light handprint on the side of her cheek. “You’re so annoying, you know that?”

With a tired sigh Maki settled down in the seat that Gojo had occupied earlier in the day, keeping her eyes on the steady heart monitor; her eyes following the spike that indicates the faint heartbeat of Y/N. “Who the hell knew that it took an entire building to really get you hurt.” Maki sigh as she tore her eyes away from the screen, looking down at her boots quietly; examining all the scuffs and scratches on marring the smooth leather. “Call me stupid, but I really thought that it’d take more than that. Remember when you had jumped out the window of the 10th floor and left with no more but a bruise? You were crying about it ‘cause you couldn’t wear dresses for about 2 weeks.”

Maki let out a tired laugh at the memory of finding Yuta trying to reassure a crying Y/N when she found the bruise on her knee; Yuta just patting her head with the most amused look on his face whilst she cried her eyes out at the idea that she can’t wear her cute dresses until it cleared up. “Imagine what will happen when you wake up from this? God, that is going to be a pain.”

A soft sigh left Maki’s lips as she glances over at the stuffed sheep that Yuta had brought from her room; along with a few more random stuffed animals that surrounded her head like a halo. This caused her to smile sadly as she rests her head on her shoulder, watching her for a few minutes without saying anything. Maki had always been bad with words and emotions; with all the things she had gone through when she was younger. Wording how she feels and emotions are not Maki’s favourite thing to deal with, since she wants to keep this badass, strong woman front she has on all the time to prove something to her elders.

“You better wake up from this, or not I am going to kick your ass.” Maki mutters after a few moments, getting up with a tired sigh before she casts her another glance at Y/N. Without missing a beat, she reaches over to brush strands of hair away from her face, warm hand resting on her head for a few moments before she places a few parting pats on her head; something she had always done when she needs to leave for a mission or a meeting outside of school. 

“‘Night, brat. Wake up soon, okay?” Maki mutters, and with a final sigh she made her way towards the window she climbed in once more, quietly shutting it behind her after she hauled herself over the railing. It was only in the dead of the night that Maki quietly lets her tears fall, biting her lip hard to stop whatever sounds that were threatening to leave her lips. 

Because at the end of the day she is stubborn, and refuses to believe that this might be her new reality.

A week had passed since the day that the others found out that Y/N had fallen into a coma of a sorts, and everyone would visit at least once just to see if there is any sight of change. That there might be a sign that she was going to wake up soon. And there were slight changes; a few days after she had been admitted she was allowed to get off the ventilator and rely on oxygen instead. But she was still in bad shape.

Nanami tries to make time to drop by to visit as well, coming over to quietly read pages of the book that he was reading. Whenever Y/N was sick, she would call Nanami over the phone and ask if the man can read to her; something about how she finds comfort in his voice that puts her at ease. And since Ieiri had encouraged them to talk to her more for stimulation, Nanami takes the time to read to her after a long day of work. It brought him some comfort as well, listening to the constant beeping of the heart monitor and the humming of the other machines around her.

Gojo would sometimes drop by as well, only to berate Nanami for his ‘boring’ book choices; and an unconscious Y/N has to endure two adults arguing about book choices and how Gojo’s titles are definitely not appropriate to even bring onto school grounds.

Besides the occasional argument, sometimes Gojo will prop his phone up against a vase of flowers that Yuji brings so that Utahime can FaceTime him; the students from the Kyoto side being able to see and talk to the slumbering Y/N. For the most part, everyone was shocked that she was in the state she was in; having never expected such a bright and talkative person can fall into such a state.

The most distraught one was definitely Todo, who had almost jumped out of his seat and make a full on dash towards Tokyo if it wasn’t for Noritoshi and Mai joining together to restrain the man, along with Principal Gakuganji threating to hold him back from their planned trip to Tokyo the following week that had him calming down.

But barely - the man is still more than ready to just up and run across the country just so he can be closer to his ‘beloved Y/N-chan’.

Every day, without fail, Toge will come into her hospital room with a new accessory to pull her hair back into; carefully brushing her hair out and applying dry shampoo so it wasn’t greasy to the touch. Once he was satisifed he’d carefully style her hair back so it didn’t get in the way of her checkups, taking his time with everything so he gets to spend more time with her. He doesn’t say much, he usually finds that doesn’t whenever he is around her; so he takes his time when he does her hair in hopes that she can feel that he is there for her.

Yuta and Megumi will find time after classes to go and visit her together, telling her about everything that had happened whilst she is asleep. Sometimes Nobara will visit as well, must for the most time she’d come alone in the evening after dinner to just rant to her about everything that she found annoying that happened over the day. Nobara usually stay until Ieiri comes to kick her out, hoping that Maki might come in as well to visit Y/N.

But Maki never does - yet everyone knows that Maki finds the time in her day to go and visit her like everyone else. However, no one dared to ask her how or when she does it. They’ve accepted that it was probably a sensitive subject to her, and that it’s off limits to ask her unless you want her to ignore you for the rest of the day. Gojo had learnt it the hard way when he had teased her, only to be thrown out the window of their classroom by an annoyed Maki.

Even his Infinity is no match for that woman’s wrath.

Days soon led into weeks, with slow but not so encouraging signs of improvement from the young girl. The elders of her clan and her parents had visited the college as soon as they can, and had kept tabs with every single thing that is going on with her. There was no denying the fear of her suddenly relapsing once more, and soon it will become too much for her parents to bear. The idea of keeping Y/N around, knowing that she is in so much pain, just for their selfish want of keeping her alive was a reality they want to avoid. 

The once vibrant and lively campus soon turned gloomy; the hallways of the school quiet without the familiar sound of bunny-themed slippers running across its worn-out flooring. The chime of a familiar giggle was missing in the air, along with a dreamy voice that just never seems to stop; no matter what time of the day it is. There were days where the others forget that Y/N was not there to make dinner for the night, or she wasn’t there when they want to ask her opinion about something. Her room, which once served as a sanctuary for the students who can’t sleep at night, now became too painful to even walk past on certain days.

Yet everyone tried their hardest to go on with their days, knowing that it was what Y/N wanted them to do. If they were to allow their grief to consume them whole, they knew the delicate routine they had rebuilt would crumble before them. And if there is one thing they can do to keep Y/N’s memory alive, is to live their lives to the fullest. To try and cherish each and every day, no matter how painful reality is without her by their side.

They have to try, for her sake.

It wasn’t until a month passed when Yuta had came running into the lunch hall, looking like he had seen a ghost as he tried to catch his breath. “Okkotsu-senpai?” Megumi asks in concern as he looks over at the older man, putting his tray down to try and give his panting senpai a hand. “Are you-” He asked, only to have Yuta put a hand up to stop him as he took a few deep gulps of air.

“A-Awake...Y/N...Y/N is awake.”

Within a few seconds the students were sprinting across campus, none of them believing what Yuta had said until they have see it for themselves. What is usually a 10 minute walk from the lunch hall took about four minutes with them sprinting, possibly annoying half of the cleaners of the school that they were breaking the no running rule. Yet they didn’t stop even at their annoyed outcries, the simple wooden door of the infirmary almost coming off its hinges at how hard Maki had thrown it open.

Maki was the one who pushed the hospital room door open, causing the people in the room to jump in shock. Including Y/N, who had let out a soft squeak of shock; her voice hoarse from not using it for so long. The others blinked in shock at the sight of Y/N’s bright eyes meeting theirs at the doorway, ones that blinked before she gave them the biggest smile she can muster.

“H-Hi.” Y/N mumbles softly, to which Nanami just gave her a rare smile as he gently rubs her back, Gojo smirking softly as he recorded the reactions of the others by the door. He had gotten over the shock a few moments ago. “Don’t strain yourself, Y/N-chan. Remember what Ieiri-sensei said about straining your voice.” The blonde man hummed before he turned his blue eyes over at the shocked students as well. “And that goes to you too. If you all stress her out, I am not against tossing you all out.”

Y/N made a noise and turned to try and reassure the older man, not noticing how the others were staring at her in shock. The first person to move was Maki, whose eyes look suspicious wet as she stormed into the room. “I am going to kill you.” She growled out loudly, to which Y/N jumped before she held her arms out for protection; feeling a shiver of fear go up her spine. Yet before she can make a move to stop her, Maki suddenly wrapped her up in a hug, the arms that Y/N held out to try and pacify her angry classmate freezing from the unnatural reaction from Maki.

Y/N blinks for a few moments before she smiles softly and wraps Maki up in her arms as well, gently patting her head as Maki silently wets her shoulder with her tears. “I know.” Y/N mumbles out softly before her eyes met the others, giving them a soft smile as she gently gestures to the others to enter her room. Soon there was just a huge ball of crying teenagers hugging one another on Y/N’s hospital bed; Gojo and Nanami having moved aside to give them more space for their reunion as they watched on from the other side of the room. “Should we stop them?”

“Nah, we might get murdered if we try.” Gojo said with a hum as he grins over the sound of intelligible crying, looking over at Nanami who had a ghost of a smile on his lips at the sight. “Besides, this is great content. I never had a video of Maki crying before.” Gojo admitted, to which Nanami’s smile dropped as he looked over at him in annoyance. 

“Why am I not surprised at all?”

© roscgcld — all rights reserved to me, rose, the author and creator of these works. do not repost/translate/claim my work as yours on any platform

[nightingaelic]

Not a good idea, maybe, but still... NV Followers' reaction to how the Courier tells the follower that sometimes all their adventures seem like a kind of deathbed dream to them (a bullet in the head after all...)

Just know, anon, that I am strongly resisting the urge to go full Shane Madej and Ryan Bergara with every single one of these reactions.

"Maybe this is all just... me." The courier waved their hand through the scorching air, tracing the shimmering line of the horizon that sang false promises of water. "A mirage. An oasis in the desert that I can't quite reach, but my eyes keep telling me is there if I just walk far enough."

Their hand went to the scar on their forehead. "I don't know. The things I've seen, since Goodsprings... if I told them to half the people in the Mojave, they'd toss me in the same shack as No-bark. HELIOS One? The Burned Man, in the crispy flesh? Jason Bright and his followers? Hell, the Sierra Madre? How do I know I didn't actually bite the dust in that graveyard, and all of this is the work of the bullet Benny put in my noggin?"

Arcade Gannon: "I guess there isn't a very convincing way I can answer that question," Arcade admitted. "But the fact that I know exactly how close you came to dying could be some evidence to the contrary. I doubt you were walking around with much medical knowledge about cranial vulnus sclopetarium prior to encountering it firsthand."

The courier looked somewhat interested, so the researcher continued hesitantly. "Did that doctor who checked you out not explain what happened to your brain? It's honestly a miracle that you're still walking around."

"I might've been a little preoccupied with the shock of being awake," the courier admitted. "Here, show me."

They guided Arcade's hand to the wound site, which he felt gingerly, trying not to awaken any pain. "Okay, close, very close range, left side... trajectory was too high, so it missed the speech center... probably sustained the most damage in the frontal and parietal lobes... well that tracks, that would affect problem-solving skills and spatial relationships..."

"Arcade?"

"Mm-hm?"

The courier grinned. "Just keep talking to me in Latin and I'll stop caring whether I'm dead or not. It sounds nice."

Arcade blushed.

Craig Boone: "Mmm." Boone pondered the thought, but immediately felt the shadow of guilt fall over his shoulders. Had any of his targets felt that way as they lay dying? Had Carla? He tried to shake the feeling off before it reached his face.

The courier, for their part, didn't notice, or at least knew enough to pretend not to notice. "That snake Benny was using a handgun, too, and who knows what caliber," they said, looking off into the distance.

"Low," Boone offered.

"Come again?"

"The bullet," Boone clarified. "It's still in your head. Slow and small caliber, if you're not already dead from it."

"But I could already be dead from it."

"Nah."

The courier looked as though they wanted to probe further, but Boone straightened his sunglasses and walked past them, signaling that the conversation was over. Headshot wounds, hypotheticals, they weren't his strong suit, but he did know one thing: The orders he had followed and the lives he had ended were far too real to be the figment of some Mojave wastelander's imagination.

Lily Bowen: "Come now, dearie, you're giving your imagination too much credit." Lily patted the courier lightly on the shoulder. Well, as lightly as a nightkin could. "Grandma's seen many strange things too, ever since she left the vault behind."

The courier smiled. "Stranger than the ones I've seen? Like what?"

Lily made an ugly face. "I saw many things when working for the Master. Golden geckos in Klamath. Ghosts in Baja. The Master himself, with his brain in the computers and the computers in his brain."

"Eugh." The courier mimicked the face Lily was making. "One of those, huh? Always seemed unsanitary to me."

"Good things too," Lily went on wistfully. "I saw Marcus' first city, when it was big and full of people. Humans, but also super mutants, ghouls. How I would have liked to take Becky and Jimmy there."

Her voice faltered a little, remembering the grandchildren that had been lost, left behind long ago. The courier reached out and took her hand. "I'm here, Lily."

After the memory passed, Lily returned to her smiling self. "You are, pumpkin. We're here together."

Raul Alfonso Tejada: "I know how you feel, boss." Raul sighed. "There are plenty of things in my past that I can't help but question the authenticity of. All I can say is that after a while, you stop asking and just go along for the ride."

"Right." The courier crossed their arms. "I suppose it's not that different a mindset from becoming a ghoul. Time stretching on in front of you, no clear end in sight, no expectation there will ever be one."

"Eh." Raul shrugged. "That might just be a mindset of mine. I stopped worrying about dying a long time ago. Or maybe I was looking for it, but never managed to find it. Either way, time doesn't bother me the way it used to."

"But it still does?"

"Sí. Now I worry more that I'll forget the crazy things I've seen altogether, or that they don't mean anything."

The young courier looked like they weren't quite ready to ponder that possibility. They stood together in silence for a while, watching the horizon's haze.

"Should we keep going?" the courier finally asked, shouldering their pack.

"Desde luego."

Rose of Sharon Cassidy: "Sometimes I wonder the same thing," Cass replied with a nod. "Well, not the exact same thing, but somethin' similar. Plenty of times in my life, I've woken up in someone else's bed or on the floor of a bar and wondered if I actually survived the fight I was in the night before, or if I finally drank enough to make my heart stop. It's a strange feeling, but then someone douses me in water or slaps me too hard on the ass and the pain of the wakin' world creeps back in, little by little."

"Do you slap them back?" the courier joked, chuckling.

"Them and the world," Cass confirmed. "I always figured if I'd actually died in my sleep, why bother makin' up some desert full of sadness and sunburns to fill my time? Had enough of that in life, so I can't see my mind keepin' it around. Much rather conjure up a house by the beach somewhere, with a basement full of caps and enough booze to last me 'til the bombs fall again."

The courier eyed her mischievously. "Maybe you're in hell."

Cass held her canteen up. "Well then. To bein' stuck in hell with a true friend."

She drank, long and deep, and the courier retrieved their canteen to do the same.

Veronica Santangelo: "Oh, Six." Veronica's face filled with sympathy. "Is that really what you think about, when you're trying to sleep at night in the casino and Cass is snoring in the bed next to you?"

The courier blinked. "Cass snores?"

"How have you not noticed?" Veronica pulled her power fist off and flexed her fingers, re-stimulating her circulation as best she could. "Arcade said he wanted to trade with me, after Boone had his second night terror incident, but he changed his mind again after one night of her racket. At this point, I'm used to it. When she's not around, I have trouble sleeping, can you believe that? Brotherhood bunks really prepared me for the Lucky 38."

"No, I hadn't noticed." The courier sat down on a nearby rock and stretched their legs out. "I guess I haven't been there much, lately."

Veronica sat down next to them. "You know, the more often you're gone having adventures around the desert, the more crazy things you're going to see. People who rest on their laurels and stick to the Strip don't lie awake wondering if they actually died back when they choked on those buffalo gourd seeds at The Gourmand."

"Touché."

ED-E: The eyebot let out a few beeps of disagreement and rolled from side to side in mid-air, indicating as best it could that in its experience, being shot in the dome was a good method for scrambling circuitry but was actually terrible for fusing new connections. The courier laughed and reached out to rub the robot's side. "Thanks, buddy. Maybe I'm right, or maybe reality is just a weird place."

ED-E beeped its satisfaction and bounced forward as if chasing the mirage. The courier trailed after the eyebot, their giggles blowing out with the wind into the desert for all to hear.

Rex: The old cyberdog whined and licked its companion's hand, uncertain what they were asking. Any dreams the canine had were good ones, long runs over grassy plains and prey that was always a hair too slow. Life with the courier was good too, but full of many more dangers than a savannah dotted with rabbits and deer. The courier scratched the dog on his ruff affectionately, before continuing over the hot sand toward their destination. Rex followed behind, happy and panting.

[nat-20s]

Part 5 of Wonderful! Au. *boyband voice* banter’s back alright!

Also on AO3

~*~

Jon: Hello everyone, and welcome back to our regular format. If my husband being horribly soppy-

Martin:-hey!-

Jon: -turned you off the how, this should be a refreshing return to formula, though I can’t guarantee there won’t be further horrible soppiness-

Martin, performatively under his breath: -most people thought it was charming-

Jon: -as that tends to happen when one is recording with the love of their life. If last week’s episode is the only one that you like, too bad, I’m back in full form, and should be at least through the rest of the season.

Martin: This show doesn’t have seasons? Due to the whole lack of a narrative thing?

Jon: I was referring to spring.

Martin: Oh, right.

[A beat passes.]

Martin, flatly: Oh. Great goof hon.

Jon, smug: Thank you.

Jon, sincere: Also, before we get properly started, I did want to actually thank everyone who sent well wishes.

M artin: Yes! We got positively inundated with lovely messages, it definitely brightened both of our days. I would even say it was wonderful.

[Jon groans.]

Jon: I am..not proud of the energy we’ve created for this episode so far, and we haven’t even hit the small wonders. Speaking of, do you have a small wonder this week?

Martin: Mine’s bad action movies.

Jon: Really? I had no idea you even liked them, let alone consider them wonderful.

Martin: Okay, so, saying I like them is a bit of a misnomer? It’s more that I like what they can do more than the movies themselves?

Jon: Elaborate?

Martin: It probably comes as a surprise to no one that I’ve tried my hand at a fair amount of mindfulness and mediation techniques. I’ve found poetry and journaling have been helpful for actually processing life events and whatnot, but when it comes to giving your brain a hard wipe and reset, nothing is half as quick and effective as a shitty shoot-em-up. Somethings about 2 hours of cartoonish, pg-13 violence held together with the absolute loosest of plots brings me to a state of mental blankness that would make a monk jealous.

Jon: How have I never witnessed you doing this? When are you sneaking off to go see Micheal Tarantino or who ever films?

M artin: That’s definitely not the right name.

Jon: Martin, dear, I don’t care. And you’re dodging the question.

Martin, fond: I’m not dodging anything. Since apparently we’re getting into it, you haven’t caught me cavorting with a movie involving more explosions than character development lately because I haven’t been. Haven’t needed it, in recent years. Turns out when you’re not crushingly lonely and working a literal nightmare of job, there’s less of a drive to try and escape your own thoughts. Shocker, I know. Still, to anyone out there that feels like their brain is on fire, go try watching a fast and furious. Any of ‘em, it doesn’t matter. Or even better, Chronicles of Riddick. I can’t remember a single goddamn detail of that movie, which makes it perfect for what I’m talking about.

Jon: I have the strong feeling that th is is a “mileage may vary” scenario.

Martin: Well, yeah, that’s this whole podcast. Plus, I imagine that movies like this would cause more stress to someone who cares about, say, world-building or rules consistency.

Jon: I wonder who you could possibly be referring to.

Martin: It’s a purely hypothetical person, love, don’t worry about it. Any small wonders?

Jon: Yes! Particularly relevant to the last week, my small wonder is stripping the sheets from your bed when it’s been too long between washes.

Martin: How very specific. M ost people would just say ‘clean sheets’.

Jon: Well, for one, I’m fairly certain that we’ve already covered clean sheets-

Martin: Shit, have we? Thank god other people keep track of this, otherwise this show would be unbearably repetitive.

Jon: Christ, yes. I typically check the website a good three times while prepping, and every about one out of those three times I find I’m trying to do an topic we did 30 episodes again. Anyway, um, it’s just nice, I think. When you’ve been too busy or sick or away for awhile, tossing the sheets in the wash makes a room instantly seem nicer. Of all the chores out there, this one, at least for me, has the highest reward to effort ratio.

Martin: Hard agree. Especially when the y have that slight funk of having been around to long, getting rid of that is such a relief. Speaking of, we need to change our sheets soon.

Jon: We can do it after the episode. Who goes first this week?

Martin: Considering last week was only me talking, I’m gonna say it’s you.

Jon: Alright, then. My first thing this week is Martin K. Blackwood.

Martin: Absolutely not!

Jon: Oh, you can do a whole episode on me, but I can’t do one little segment on my husband, whom I love very dearly?

Martin: Not while I’m sat here, no!

Jon: So you’re saying you don’t want me to tell the internet that your resolve to be kind even in the face of indescribable cruelty is one of the mot breathtaking things I’ve ever witnessed, or how I find it incredibly endearing when you get so emotional that your voice comes out as a squeak, or even that, on a more base level, you’re very physically attractive, and I could lose entire days thinking about your arms alone?

Martin, audibly blushing, voice the aforementioned squeak: Oh my god, Jon!

Jon, laughing: Then it’s probably for the best that my actual first thing is best friends.

Martin, peaking the audio levels: Oh you absolute bastard! Do you enjoy this? Do you get some sort of perverse sense of entertainment from riling me up?

Jon: Oh, don’t you start. As if you’re not as bad as I am. Maybe even worse.

Martin: That’s not…

Jon: Yes?

Martin: Okay. Maybe it’s slightly true. Really, what is romance for if not flustering your partner with compliments?

Jon, teasing: I certainly can’t think of anything.

Martin: Hush, you.

Jon: No, I don’t think I will.

Martin: Fine. I suppose you can tell our delightful audience about the power of friendship or whatever.

Jon: I would’ve assumed more enthusiasm, considering this segment is still, indirectly, about you.

Martin: In what way?

Jon: In the way that, to the shock of all, you’re my best friend.

Martin, pleased: Oh, is that what I am?

Jon, exasperated: Yes, dearest husband, I wouldn’t have married you otherwise. Though, upon reflection, I knew you were my best friend before I knew I held romantic feelings for you.

Martin: When was that?

Jon, letting out a breath that vibrates his lips: God it was...2016? I think it might’ve literally been the day after you told me about your CV.

Martin: That early? Huh. I wonder if that’s what people were picking up when they said they we were close.

Jon: What people?

Martin: I don’t know specifically, that’s just what Daisy told me.

Jon: Daisy? When the hell-?

Martin: It...was when she was interrogating me? And, because sometimes I have to be a parody of myself, pretty much my only take away from that interrogation was “people think me and Jon are close”.

Jon: Well then. It’s not like they were wrong.

Martin, smug: No, no they weren’t.

Martin, sincere: And you’re my best friend, too.

Jon: I was certainly hoping that you’re in this relationship for more than my good looks and incredible fortune, both in the monetary and luck sense.

Martin: You say that as if you aren’t good looking, which we all know is patently untrue.

Jon: You’re biased. You’d say I was good looking if I were nothing more than some primordial ooze with thoughts about its station.

Martin: I’m being completely objective. If you were primordial ooze with thoughts above its station, you’d be the cutest ooze of them all. That’s just scientific fact.

Jon: I’m starting to think we might be insufferable.

Martin: Starting to? Might be?

Jon:…

[Jon clears his throat]

Jon: What I find wonderful about the concept of best friends is, to me, they’re the closest thing real life has to soulmates. I don’t personally believe that there’s some..grand mystic force that drives people to be tied together in the manner that narrative typical soulmates are, and if there was I don’t think it would necessarily be the kind of emotional, heartfelt bond one would hope for, but I do believe that there’s individuals that get to know one another, and because of that knowledge, they chose to stick with one another. It doesn’t have to be a romantic, which is why I say best friend rather than specifically ‘spouse’, but I would argue that the basis of a strong romance like you and I have, is very much rooted in that connection. A true best friendship is an equal partnership, and there’s a sense of..matched sensibilities and understanding that can be utterly incandescent when it happens.

I also think that having one or more best friends makes living life on a day to day basis both better and just flat easier. The dark times aren’t as dark, and the bright times shine even more. I know from my own personal experience there are events that I..that I don’t know how I would’ve made it through without you. Hell, last week my..recovery period would’ve taken much longer if you hadn’t been there.

It’s an amazing thing to have someone to share things with, both triumphs and burdens. Um, also, according to Dictionary.com, the term best friends in English has been around since the 1200s. Something about that delights me, like, yes, we’ve had this casual way of referring to a Favorite Person for roughly 800 years. That makes it a hold-out from early Middle English. I dunno, it’s one of those things that make me feel overall very charmed by humanity.

Martin, audibly smiling: No, yeah, hard agree.

Jon: What’s that look for?

Martin: Nothing. Just. I love you a whole lot, you know that?

Jon, voice soft: I may have heard you say that once or twice. Per hour.

Martin: Only that often? I really need to be more diligent about that.

[There’s a bet of silence, presumably where they’re making doe eyes at each other.]

Jon: What’s your first thing?

Martin: Oh, um, right. Rats!

Jon: The expression or the animal?

Martin: Jon, have you ever once heard me say “rats” as an expression? Obviously I’m referring to the animal.

Jon: Ah. Should’ve known, considering that what, a third?, of all your segments have been on animals.

Martin: Yeah? And? You got a problem with critters? With creatures? With lil guys?

Jon, laughing: No, no, it’s very sweet. I’m just surprised you never became a vet.

Martin: Oh believe me, I wanted to. But then I learned that it was not, in fact, a job composed entirely of getting paid to play with other people’s pets.

Jon: You had that job, though, didn’t you? I thought I remembered you mentioning a month long stint at a doggie day care.

Martin, sighing dreamily: Best job I ever had. Too bad that place was shut down after it was revealed to be a money laundering front.

Jon: Good lord.

Jon: Martin did you...did you know it was a money laundering front at the time?

Martin:

Martin: Would it make you feel better if I said no?

Jon: Martin!

Martin: I figured it out like a week in, but, like, who cares? The pay was decent and the floor was super easy to clean, which is very much a plus for even a front of a doggie day care.

Jon: That’s...rather a lot. How about instead of getting into that any further, you tell me about rodents.

Martin: I would love to. But first, we have a shoutout!

Jon: Ooo, a shoutout. Does it specify who should read?

Martin: Let me check. It...does...not…..

...

Jon: Martin?

[A beat.]

Martin: Right! Sorry, um. This week’s shoutout is from Tim, to Danny. It says, “Danny! My favorite person who shares genetic material with me! I wanted to say thank you for your podcast obsession from 4 months ago, and specifically for telling me about these marrieds. They’ve gotten me through many a dull hour at the publishing house. Also, with this shoutout, I’ve officially gotten ahead on the Superior [Last Name Redacted] Brother scoreboard, so suck it. Love you lots, and looking forward to your visit next month, Tim.”

Jon: Oh.

Jon: Um. That’s very..sweet? I think? Mostly?

Martin: Yeah, I’d say so. Uh. We have to take a quick break because, uh, someone is..at our front door! Be back with you all in, from your side of things, just a moment.

[fangirlwriting-stories]

I Told You That I Love You (Please Believe Me)

Summary: Roman isn't sure how much longer he can deal with Janus' hatred, so he decides to try and at least ask him why so he knows what he's doing wrong.

Roman knew that Janus didn’t care about him.  He said it so often that Roman had learned how to not react to it.  Sometimes Janus was feeling particularly cruel and said things like “I do, in fact, care deeply for you, Roman.”  Which, of course, since he was Janus, meant that he didn’t care in the slightest.  There had been a time Roman might have assumed he was being genuine.  But that was before he learned that Janus always spoke in lies.

Roman had a tendency to lash out when he was hurt, meaning that more than once he’d responded to these statements with some kind of anger.  But could you blame him?  It  hurts  to be so often told by the person of your affection that you didn’t matter to them.

Because when it came down to it, that was the real problem.  The way that somehow, despite everything, when Roman saw Janus his heart still fluttered.  He still saw the way that Janus cared for those he loved and wanted that for himself.

Janus didn’t care like Patton, where he was constantly checking up on others.  But when a side was reaching their breaking point, Janus stepped in.  He cared for Patton when he was sad, and Remus when he was lonely, and Virgil when he was panicked, and Logan when he was overwhelmed, and Thomas when he was weary.  He was gentle and soft in a way that he almost never was.  Janus stepped in when someone was tired, and couldn’t make it much further on their own.

And Roman was so tired.

But despite Janus slowly becoming more accepted, him fixing his relationship with Patton and Logan and even Virgil, eventually, Roman wasn’t extended that same grace.  He understood.  He’d made so many mistakes.  But understanding why Janus still hated him didn’t make him any less tired.  And didn’t make Janus any less magnificent.

Magnificent enough that Roman had come to expect the way his heart raced when Janus entered a room.  How could he not love Janus when he was so… Janus?

It didn’t really make the renewals of hatred any less painful.  Roman thought it might actually make it worse, since as Virgil had sung about, when you care for someone, not much hurts more than their scorn.

So Roman slowly started to avoid Janus when he could.  It was more difficult than it used to be.  Janus was around, and for some reason, when he spotted Roman alone in a room, he didn’t immediately head the other direction, but instead walked in and sat with him most of the time.  And Roman didn’t  understand.

Why was he here?  Why did he insist on spending time with someone he had no problems admitting that he hated?  It made no sense.

It reached a point where Roman wanted answers, and he couldn’t think of many places better to get them than the person that was causing him these issues in the first place.  So he gathered up his courage to go knock on Janus’ door… and ended up standing in front of it for an hour and a half.

Okay, it probably wasn’t actually that long, but it felt that way.  He thought anxiety was supposed to be Virgil’s thing, but Roman couldn’t seem to get his heart rate to calm down long enough to knock.

He supposed it didn’t really matter in the end, because he was there long enough that eventually Janus opened the door and saw Roman standing there.

“Can I help you?” Janus asked after a long pause.

“Can I ask you something?” Roman said quickly.

Janus raised an eyebrow.  “Sure.  Come on in.  But can we make this quick?  I needed to find Patton.”

“Oh, well then nevermind!” Roman exclaimed, leaping about six paces back.  “I can ask another time, I’m sure that’s much more important!”

Janus blinked at him a couple times, then sighed.  “Okay.”  He walked across the room, took Roman by the arm, and pulled him into his room.  “Clearly you need to talk about this right now.  Come on then, out with it.”  He shut the door behind them both and turned to lean against it, preventing Roman’s escape.

“Oh, no, no, it’s fine!  I’m just being silly, we can do this another time, or never!  Never is good too!” Roman said, trying to ignore both the way his mouth was starting to run away from him and the way Janus was starting to look irritated.  He could do this, he just needed to last long enough to throw this whole thing in the garbage and do it later.  Or never.

“Roman,” Janus said.

“And I don’t want to bother you with something so silly, I mean I—”

“Roman.”

“—don’t need an answer to this right away, it’s such a small thing, it’s not—”

“Roman,” Janus snapped.  “Out with it.”

“Why do you hate me?” Roman blurted, and Janus’ eyes snapped open in shock.  Roman had to resist the very unprincely urge to slap his hand over his mouth.

Janus narrowed his eyes a second later, and Roman wanted to go immediately back into his room and never come out again.

“Roman, what are you talking about?” Janus asked.

“I… I’m sorry,” Roman said, looking away.  “I just… I want to know why you hate me.  Is there any way to make you like me?  Or just forgive me?  Because I’m so sorry.”

“Roman,” Janus said, moving across the room and towards him.  He had that gentle look in his eyes that was reserved for sides he cared about, but that didn’t make any sense.  “Why would you think I hate you?”

“Well— you tell me all the time,” Roman said hesitantly.

Janus stared at him.  “When have I done that?”

“You say you ‘care deeply’ for me.  But you lie all the time, so…”

Janus stared at him for a second longer.  “Are you kidding me?”

“…No?”

Janus gave a short laugh and ran a hand through his hair.  He muttered something that sounded like “Why the hell am I in love with you again?” except for the fact that there was no way that was what he actually said.  A second later, though, he walked across the rest of the space between them and took Roman by the shoulders.

“Roman,” he said.  “Listen to me.  I definitely speak in lies all of the time.”

Roman blinked.  “…Oh.”  He looked down, trying to process that.  “Really?”

“Really.  I thought we covered this already.  And why on earth would I tell you that I hate you to your face so many times?  When the others are around, no less?”

“Why would they care?” Roman mumbled before he could stop himself, and Janus’ hands suddenly lifted off his shoulders.  Roman winced.  Well, he screwed that up.

“Roman,” Janus said again.

Roman managed to drag his gaze up to Janus.  “Yeah?”

“You’ve seen me telling the others I love them, haven’t you? Did you think I was lying to them?”

“Well, no,“ Roman said.  “But that’s different.“

“How is that different?“

“Well they deserve it.“

Janus’ face fell, and Roman’s heart did the same a second later.  “Wait, no,” he stammered.  “I meant— wait, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—”

“Roman,” Janus cut him off.  “When someone tells you they love you, do you assume they’re lying to you?”

Roman blinked.  “Well, yeah,” he said.  “Obviously.”

For some reason, that just seemed to make Janus more distressed, and Roman didn’t know what he was doing wrong.

“Oh, sweetheart,” Janus said, his hands drifting up to Roman’s face.  They rested on his cheeks, and Roman pulled in a sharp breath.  Janus looked like he was about to cry.

“What… what did I do wrong?” Roman whispered.

“Nothing, sweetheart,” Janus said, pulling Roman into his arms.  Every place their skin connected felt warm, and Roman wondered when the last time he got a hug was.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Roman,” Janus repeated, which was definitely a lie, because Roman did things wrong all the time.

Janus seemed to pick up on what he wasn’t saying somehow, and shifted to start running his hand through his hair.  “You haven’t done anything wrong,” he repeated.  “Or, I suppose, if it helps, you’ve done absolutely everything wrong and I despise you, Roman.”

Roman took a shaky breath.  It felt like it shouldn’t have been easier to believe such if Janus told him like that.  But he decided for right now to let that not matter, and just drank in the warmth Janus was giving him.  They weren’t moving, after all, and it had been such a long time since he had just gotten to exist with someone like this.

“Breathe,” Janus said softly, and Roman realized he was starting to shake.  “It’s okay, Roman, breathe.”

Roman buried his head in Janus’ shoulder and breathed.

“Can I help you?” Janus asked softly.  “How can I help you, Roman?”

“Don’t go,” Roman said, sudden and not very prince-like at all.  “Please don’t go, I— I’m tired.”

“Okay,” Janus said.  “Okay.  I won’t go.  I’m not going anywhere.”

Roman opened his mouth, and nothing came out.  He wasn’t even sure how to ask, but his brain wouldn’t stop screaming at him.

Janus, somehow, seemed to read his mind.  “Roman,” he said, sounding a little exasperated but thankfully not to the least bit angry.  “I’m going to completely abandon you without a single thought as to how it will affect you.  Considering I don’t care about you in the slightest, that will be very easy for me.”

Roman buried his head further in Janus’ shoulder.  “Sorry,” he mumbled.

“It’s not alright,” Janus said.  “I’m very annoyed by it, especially considering how hard it is for me to lie.”

Janus ran his hands through Roman’s hair again.  “Do you want to go lay on my bed, sweetheart?  You said you were tired.”

“Not like that,” Roman protested weakly, except for the fact that he kind of was, and Janus’ bed looked very comfortable, and if it meant Janus would stay…

“If you don’t want to, I’ll force you,” Janus said.  “But if you want to stay, I won’t let you.”

“…Can I?” Roman asked.

“Of course not,” Janus said, leading them over towards the bed.  “I generally find naps in the afternoon to be horrendous after all, and I avoid them at all costs.”

Five minutes later found them both in pajamas bundled under many heating blankets, with Janus still running his fingers through Roman’s hair and Roman definitely not complaining.

“You know,” Janus said quietly.  “We’re definitely not going to have to have a talk about you assuming people are lying to you when they tell you they love you.”

Roman tensed.

“But it absolutely has to happen right now,” Janus continued.  “Especially if you’re not ready.”

Roman was quiet for a minute.  “You really don’t hate me?” he whispered.

Janus simply squeezed him with an extra summoned hand in response.

“Why?”

Janus hummed in thought.  “Do I have reasons for how much I absolutely detest you?  Let’s see, there’s quite a few of them.  Let me think.”

He pulled gently at a knot in Roman’s hair and summoned another hand to gently untangle it.  Roman felt a little bit like he was floating.

“Because you’re incredibly cruel when you’re trying to be kind,” Janus said.  “And you’re so terrible at coming up with ideas and ways to inspire, both yourself and others.  You look terrible when you dress up.  You’re about the least forgiving person I’ve ever met.  And you definitely don’t have this sparkle when you’re excited that’s just infectious.”  Janus gave him a look.  “I’ve seen it so often lately.”

Roman was still too busy catching up on all the compliments Janus just gave him to respond in any way, which was completely unfair, because he was the romantic side, and he should be able to come up with long poetic speeches about the person he… was in love with…

Roman looked up at Janus for a moment, and somehow, Janus seemed to read what he was thinking on his face again.  And then Roman thought maybe he could come up with a speech later, because Janus was suddenly looking very embarrassed and that was much more important.

Roman started to grin.  “You,” he proclaimed happily.  “Like me.”

“Preposterous.”

“You love me,” Roman crooned, because he was starting to feel very in his element, and it was making him much less self-conscious.

“Simply absurd.”

“And I think it would be reasonable to assume,” Roman said with a beaming smile.  “After the way you’ve been behaving, that you’re in love with me.”

“I’ve never heard such a ridiculous statement in my life.”

Roman leaned in and rested his forehead against Janus.’  “Except you’ve been speaking in lies for the past half hour,” he said.  “And I love you too.”

“How many times do I have to explain that I don’t only speak in—” Janus stopped.  “What?”

“I love you too,” Roman said happily.  “I thought that must have been rather clear, with how upset I was that I thought you hated me.”

Janus blinked a couple of times.  “Ludicrous,” he said weakly.

“Can I kiss you?”

Janus responded by leaning in, and Roman soared.

Janus didn’t hate him.  As a matter of fact, for some bizarre reason, Janus seemed to love him back.  And the rest could be worked out with time.  They could talk.  Roman could ask the others if they really weren’t lying when they said they loved him, like Janus seemed to believe.

Roman smiled into the kiss.  Right now, if someone else told him such, he felt like he could believe them with ease.

[antigoneidk]

can't help falling in love|t.h.

summary: when words can't speak enough, songs will do

pairing: tom holland × reader

words: 2k

a/n: well I think we all fell in love with this Tom right? I mean who wouldn't??? Wish more of that content cause I'm a sucker for him..

"Over yours tonight?"

"Yes. Bring your guitar too."

"We're about to have fun tonight."

"As we always do!"

And when it was just the two of you, you always had a great time. The chemistry that had been developed between you and Tom was indescribable and everyone seemed jealous of what you have created. It was amazing how much two people can connect, two different souls in such a little period.

You loved your little secret "rendezvous" as you liked to call them. He'd come to your place, or you'd go to his, sip wine and talk for hours and hours about everything. From how the world was created, to how your nail broke, or the way some theories of very famous scientists may be wrong, or how his brothers crashed his car without him knowing, even analyze the way social media work, or begging him to show you videos of the set for his upcoming film. Maybe you'd complain about how early you have to wake up the next day and he'd make fun of you before he realizes that he's going to wake up as early as you. And you'd beg him to stay, or the opposite. 

And after that, you'd grab your guitars and play until you fall asleep on the couch.

He looked so handsome concentrated on not losing any chord, not ruin the melody. His brown eyes focusing on the strings, his fingers following the sound in his mind, his body relaxed, and his ears longing for your voice.

How he adored listening to your angelic voice. He couldn't explain the way his heart melted with the sweet sound of yours, his stomach filling with butterflies, his mind following the heart on this chaotic, exciting, endless road. He didn't know if he was in love or not. It was confusing inside his head. He never knew what falling in love means, the symptoms are different from one person to another. But he was only looking forward to the time he'd have to spend with you, the feeling of enthusiasm getting stronger as the day went by. He knew that you were the only one that could bring the peace he searched for, it was you that brought those feelings that he wanted to see for himself. He admitted once that he wished you'd be more than just his close friend to himself. Yet, the fear of losing you was massive and your presence in his life was more important than his feelings. So the only way was to push them to the side.

You knocked on his doorbell and fixed your guitar on your shoulder while waiting for the door to open. You looked down at your shoes noticing how dirty they got but as you were about to somehow clean them with your hand, you heard the door open and your eyes met his.

"Hi," you said cheerfully leaving the guitar to your side and wrapping your hands around his shoulder. His familiar scent came to your nose, your eyes closing for a moment enjoying his smell, but also the sensation of his arms tightening around your waist.

"Hey, beautiful" he mumbled softly and let go of you. "How are you?" he asked grabbing your guitar and closing the door behind you. 

"Now that I am here I'm so much better" you confessed. "Oh, you didn't wait for me to help"  you complained seeing that everything was already prepared for you.

"Why would I need help?" he asked.

"Because...I am your friend and you don't have to do all of these for me"

"But what happens if I want to do all of these for you?"

You stared back at him without any answer to his question. You tried to read his face, understand if he was joking or not. If he was playing with your feelings or if he was just completely clueless. His puppy eyes nearly convincing your heart that everything was true, your mind shouting to not believe this. It was a battle happening right in front of you, however, you stood still and did nothing.

"I'm pretty sure you do not so stop saying things you don't mean and let's go drink"

____________________

"But she fell in love with him Tom. She was happier than ever. She was willing to be there for him  for the rest of her life, she stood by his side through everything, his madness, his anger, his sadness, his happiness-"

"He was suffering y/n-"

"If he loved her enough-"

"Do you know how is it feel to be stuck on a chair and not move even a single finger? No matter how big your love is for someone, sometimes you're losing the fight" Tom sipped his last drop of wine and looked back at you.

"If we were in this position, would you die just like him? Even if you loved me more than anything?" you questioned.

"I seriously have no idea y/n"

"I'd live for you Tom" normally you wouldn't admit this, the wine gave you the courage though to do so. "If I was William in that stupid chair, I would want to live with you for the rest of eternity" you glanced at him meaning every word you just said. Your love for him was like no other and for sure knew that you were more than willing to move every mountain to be with him forever.

"Stop saying things you don't mean y/n" he copied your words and grabbed your guitar from the floor, unsure if he should play it cool or say something more.

"You are not romantic babe" you played it off resting your hand on the couch and placing your head at the top of it while waiting for Tom to tune the guitar. "Also I was thinking of something today while I was working"

"You were thinking again?" he asked sarcastically.

"You piece of...give me that" you laughed and took the guitar in your hands."So, as I was saying, I was thinking that maybe today you should sing with me"

"Are you drunk?" Tom asked you disagreeing already with the idea you had in mind.

"What?"

"You know that I can't sing and even if it wasn't for that I would never sing with you"

"Why?" it felt kinda offending hearing those words as you didn't know why he felt that way.

"You have the voice of an angel y/n. I'm never gonna sing with you 'cause you'll hear how bad I sound and we don't want this trust me" he pulled his guitar close to him and smiled in your direction.

"I heard you singing before and you sound incredible so cut the excuses and follow me okay?" you didn't wait for any of his complaints. You started playing the song you imagined singing with him all day. The first reason being the fact that it was an easy song to play and sing. The second reason was the lyrics of it.

"Wise men say

Only fools rush in.." you began singing.

"Come on Tom..but I can't help falling in love with you" you continued hearing only whispers.

"Shall I stay?

Would it be a sin... I can't hear you

If I can't help falling in love with you"

Tom gained some courage and started singing louder. He didn't want to be unable to hear you, it was the thing his heart desired. But your expression, your eyes wide open begging him to join you. He could resist to them ever.

And the lyrics.

"Like a river flows

Darling, so it goes

Some things are meant to be.."

You both stared at each other as you kept going. It felt more than just a song, more than just a famous melody. Those were words that none of you had the strength to say, not even dared to try. The fear of loss, the shyness of the last minute. You were saying to yourself that his teasing was just for fun, nothing more. Tom was doing the same. It wasn't complicated at all, but both your minds trapped in this maze, wouldn't detect the way out that was right in front of your eyes.

"Take my hand, 

Take my whole life too

For I can't help falling in love with you..

For I can't help falling in love with you" 

You bit your lip and positioned the guitar to your legs keeping eye contact with him. The silence in the room was comforting, calming.  It definitely could say more than words.

Fuck it.

"I wish I could kiss you right now" Tom whispered under his breath, loud enough for you to listen. It was shocking. You blinked quite a few times doubtfully, assured that this was only a prank. But he was there looking at you, waiting for a reply. You were confused and he saw it too. His palms started sweating and his heartbeat increased in the blink of an eye. The voice inside him would stop yelling 'you screwed it' and his feeling got hurt quickly. He was ready to listen to you making fun of him, the plan that would break his heart in two. But your silence was currently the only thing he didn't want to. He searched for any signal on your face, even your body language but you were standing still as time had stopped.

"Then do it" 

He didn't hesitate for long. He was dreaming after all. Because this wasn't the reality he lived for sure. 

Fireworks, fireworks, fireworks.

He swore he heard them. The moment his lips captured yours he could hear those fireworks in his heart and ears. Bells were ringing and angels singing. Damn, I'm kissing one of them he thought. His right hand touched your neck deepening the kiss he was yearning for. Your lips in sync warm against his skin. His tongue over yours exploring your taste. Your perfume fueling his nose and brain, the butterflies dancing in their music now. 

It was magical. The goosebumps all over your skin making it even more real. Heart about to explode, all of the happiness hitting throughout your body. It was happening and still, it seemed like a fantasy. You slowly touched his chest and moved upwards to his shoulders making sure that you were really touching him and not any of your pillows. The sensation of his lips in yours was so much better than your imagination. Perfectly made for kissing you and only you.

You broke the kiss and the brightest smile he ever saw was on your lips. The lips HE was kissing.

"Y/n you have no idea how bad I wanted this to happen" he touched your forehead and with his thumb started to draw small circles. A tear rolled from your eye and dropped to his hand.

"Why did it take you so long?" you asked and closed your eyes feeling his breath hitting the skin of your face and hands.

"Baby don't cry. Please" he murmured.

"I'm just happy you know. It's no longer a fantasy or a dream. It's real" you admitted with your shaky breaths making your work hard. But you couldn't care less at that moment.

"I was afraid of losing you y/n. What if you didn't feel the same way? How was I supposed to know?"

"You wouldn't lose me okay? I'm feeling the same way Tom" you carefully brought your fingers at the top of his lips and touched them as you dreamed to. "I'm yours. I'll always be yours."

**the movie mentioned was me before you

**the song they were singing was can't help falling in love by Elvis Presley

Thank you for reading❤

[lordabovehelpme]

What did you say?- Din Djarin x Reader

Request: Hi! I love your writing so much, you do the Lord’s work <3 I just had this cheesy ass little thought about what if before Reader knows Mando’s name she calls him “Tin Can” as a joke-y nickname but Din gets thrown for an absolute loop when she starts just calling him “Tin” for short because of how funnily close it happens to be to “Din” and she doesn’t even know 😭- @starspangledwidow

A/n: Wait this is so funny. I’ve never even thought of this before. I had a blast writing this. I hope you like it! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Come on tin can, it’s not that hard.” He glares at you from where you stand in between his legs. He’s on his back on the floor, squeezing into a panel and trying to rewire a few things. “Red to red, blue to blue.”

“I know.” It comes out harsh and he fights the urge to kick you.

“Well if you knew then it’d already be done.” Patting his knee you lean down to look at what his hands are doing. “Okay here lemme hold that.” You press up against him and slide your arm into the small hole, grabbing a handful of wires and pulling them to the side, giving him more access to the two he needs to fuze together.

“Thanks.”

“Yeah no problem Tin.”

His head slams into the metal and you yelp. His legs flail around and he curses.

“Oh my goodness. What just happened? Is there another one of those ice spiders, because if there is you’re on your own. Actually on second thought, I’m not risking it. Bye!” Pulling your arm out of the now terrifying hole, you cringe. “I’m gonna go get the kid. Okay peace out my man. Good luck with your new friends.”

He just lays there as you walk away. His brain works a mile a minute to figure out what you actually said. How did you even know his name? Or did you even know? Did you just guess?

Not looking at what he is doing with his hands, he curses when he burns his finger. Groaning, he finally gets the wires together and slides out of the panel. Walking over to the fresher he opens the cabinet and pulls some bacta cream out.

“What did you do?” He turns to see you standing with the child in your arms.

“I uh,” He shows you his finger before applying some cream, “uh, burnt myself.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. You gonna be able to fly us out of this desert?”

He hates how he loves the mischievous glint in your eyes. “No, my hand is going to fall off.”

You giggle and the child coos. “Alright well, at least you’ll still have the other one. We’ll meet you up top okay.” Flashing him a smile over your shoulder, you climb up the ladder.

He just shakes his head at you, his own smile hidden by his helmet. Climbing up the ladder a few minutes later he sits in the pilot seat. He was already taught the lesson of not climbing up after you. Smiling under his helmet wider at the memory of how you screeched at him about how “he was a pervert” and he was “looking under your skirt.” In reality he hadn’t even thought of it, but he always gives you a minute now.

“Alright Tin, where to?”

You snap him out of his thoughts and his head quickly looks at you. “What did you say?”

“I asked where we were going next. What’s up with you today?”

“No no no.” His visor stays trained on your face. “What did you call me.”

You look at him weird, eyebrows lowering and your head slightly moving back. “Umm I called you Tin because Tin can, you know? Do you not like it? You just never seemed to mind it before.”

It's like the weight of the world lifted off of his shoulders and he sighs. “No no it’s fine. I was just wondering.” Embarrassed that he hadn’t connected the very simple dots he turns back to the dashboard and plugs in some coordinates.

“Okay, great! So where are we going though?”

“Oh, back to Nevarro, we have to drop off these bounties.”

You nod. “Sounds like a plan!”

***

Every single time you say that nickname his head spins. He’s tripped twice, jammed at least three fingers, and hit his head countless times. He almost has a kink in his neck from it snapping to look at you so many times.

“Hey tin, can you open this for me?”

You walk around the corner with a jam jar and once again his hand slips from where it was cleaning his blaster. The weapon falls onto the ground with a loud clank. “Um yeah, here give it to me.” He reaches out and takes the jar from you.

“Sorry, I tried to do it but I must have screwed it on too tight.”

“No, it’s fine.” He turns the lid and it pops open.

“See these muscles aren’t just for murder!” Giving his bicep a squeeze of thanks you take the jar and walk back into the kitchen area. “Thanks!”

Picking the forgotten blaster up from the floor, he places it back in his holster. He walks over to where you spread some jam on a piece of bread.

“Hey tin, want some toast?”

“So you know how we’re going to Nevarro, and we’ll be around other people?”

“Umm yeah. What about it?” You suck the jam off of your finger, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“Well, can you not call me Tin around others. I don’t mind it when it’s just us, but not around others.”

You grin mischievously, “Why? Are you embarrassed?”

His hands do that thing where they clench and unclench, signifying his thoughts. “No, I just… I-” He sighs. “It’s similar to my name.”

“What?” Shocked you wait for him to continue.

“It’s close to my name, my actual name.”

“Oooo.” You smirk. “Are you going to tell me? Or am I going to have to guess?” When he gives you no response you start. “Ain?” He scoffs. “Alright not Ain. Bin? Cin?”

“Are you just going to go through the whole alphabet?”

“Yes. Din?” He tries to stay still, to seem unfazed. But you know him all too well. “Din! It is isn’t it?”

“Don’t go telling the world. You can’t tell anyone, you hear me?”

“Yeah yeah. Oh my that’s so funny. Who would have thought! Man, that must have been super weird for you. Wait, now it makes sense why you’ve been so on edge recently.”

You’re properly laughing now.

“It suits you.”

“It suits me?” You can’t see it but his eyebrows raise.

“Yeah, simple yet unforgettable.” You both just stare at each other for a second. “Don't worry, I won’t tell anyone. I promise.”

“You better not. Or I won’t open anymore of your jam jars.”

You place a hand over your heart, your mouth open in shock. “Hey! That’s like eviler than evil.” You wave the knife you used to spread it. “You’re mean.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hehe this was such a good idea! Thank you for requesting dear! I hope you liked it! 

As always, please consider reblogging or leaving a comment. I love hearing what you guys have to say! 

With love, Lordy :) 

Masterlist

Taglist: @ficthots @along-the-lines-of-space @jedi-jesi @coldlilheart @remmysbounty​ 

If you want to be added/removed from my taglist- just give me a holler. :)