#it just makes me sad...i know its okay to transition later but i think about it and i cry. i dont want it later. i want it now

[skunkes]

Very quick mini vent sorry but trying to hold steady and take everyones "live with your parents and save money for as long as you can" advice especially as somebody with no prospects who will work some horrible low wage job for the entirety of his life and struggle to keep alive if he moves out but sadly and unfortunately and regrettably and torturously I am transgender and only getting older every year and I want my masculine appearance Now i want my deeper voice Now i want to be me Now.

[in1-nutshell]

What if Maxima got the matrix of leadership during RiD.  Grimlocks reaction to Maximum Prime

...oh no...

Somebody's not gonna like this...

Anyways, Hope you enjoy!

Maximum Prime and Grimlock

SFW, Platonic, Romance, Angst, Cybertronian reader

RiD2015

The team noticed the changes with their unofficial official Second in Command ever since Optimus had returned from his first away mission.

At first, they believed that it was just her getting used to having him back.

It would have made sense seeing what happened when the pair had first reunited.

But there was something different about this time around.

For one, Maxima looked much more tired.

Probably caused by her wandering around the scrapyard from the late hours of the night to the early hours of the morning.

Grimlock had often woken up to find Maxima sitting next to him wide awake and just tracing little shapes on his frame.

Grimlock groggily opening his optics.

Maxima was sitting near his side gently rubbing circles around his joints.

“Hmm? Maxi? You good?”--Grimlock

Maxima looks over at him.

He can’t exactly register the look she was giving him, blaming it on the sleepiness.

“I’m fine Grimmy. Just go back to sleep.”--Maxima

Grimlock gently moves his tail, so it slightly encircles Maxima.

“Y’know you ‘an tell me if ‘ers somethin’ wrong…”--Grimlock

Maxima leans to his side and vents softly.

“…Just gets some sleep Grimmy.”—Maxima

• Then it was the strange looks she was giving the team. • Most of the team couldn’t exactly pinpoint what exact emotion it was and partially brushed it off. • Bumblebee, Optimus and Ratchet had different gut feeling about those looks. • It looked almost like… aching.

Bumblebee comes over to Maxima’s side.

“Hey, you doing, okay? You’ve been acting… strange.”--Bumblebee

Maxima tenses a bit.

“I’m fine Bee.”--Maxima

“Is it about Optimus being here? I know it’s a bit of a rough transition, but—”--Bumblebee

“Its not that Bee. Trust me, its not something you or anyone can do.”--Maxima

“Then what is it?”-Bumblebee

Maxima vents a bit before giving Bee a sad smile and patting his back.

“This one’s on me Bee. I’m figuring somethings out. Its something that doesn’t concern you, Dad, Ratchet or the Team yet.”--Maxima

“Yet?”--Bumblebee

“It will come up soon, I’m just trying to make it as smooth transition as possible.”--Maxima

“Transition? Maxima what are you talking—”--Bumblebee

BEEP! BEEP!

BEEP! BEEP!

“Guess that’ll have to wait for later then.”—Maxima

Then a week later Maxima hugged everyone goodnight.

Something that wasn’t completely out of character.

But the length of the hugs were defiantly longer than normal.

The next morning the team took notice that Maxima hadn’t left her habsuite yet.

Optimus had offered to go see her, which eventually ended up with him being accompanied by Ratchet.

When the two hadn’t returned after a couple of minutes, the rest of the team decided to go see what the problem was.

But they didn’t need to as the pair began walking back with someone else behind.

The Bee Team looks up at the taller bot behind Optimus and Ratchet.

She looked strikingly like Maxima, but at the same time extremely different.

It was almost uncanny.

The bot steps forward.

“My name is Maximum Prime. I am here to aid Optimus in training as well as work with your team to defeat the oncoming threat.”--Maximum

“What threat?”--Bumblebee

“It is a threat that the other Primes’s have yet to tell us. But until then, I am here to help you all in your missions and training.”--Maximum

“Another Prime? But what about the Matrix?”--Bumblebee

“The Matrix I am holding is a near replica to the one in Optimus’s Matrix of Leadership. The only difference is that this is simply a temporary fix.”--Maximum

Bumblebee’s optics go wide.

“Lieutenant?”--Strongarm

“No… She would never… But he’s still here…”--Bumblebee

Grimlock looks around.

“Umm, has anyone seen Maxima around? She’s missing all this information, and I don’t think—”--Grimlock

Maximum looks at the dinobot and vents softly.

“Maxima is not here. She bonded with my Matrix to create… me.”—Maximum

Grimlock feels everything stop for a split second.

“What?”—Bee Team

“To be able to create me, Maxima had to bond with the replica Matrix. Giving me life… putting Her’s on pause.”--Maximum

Everything in the dinobot’s frame goes stiff.

“She isn’t gone. More, ‘on hold’. She will be back as soon as the threat is dealt with.”--Maximum

“And how long is this gonna take?”—Grimlock

Maximum gives him a sad smile.

The same smile that Maxima had.

“I am not certain Grimlock. As long as the threat is here, is as long as I will stay.”--Maximum

Maximum turns to Optimus.

“We need to start the training as soon as possible. There is much we still need to discuss.”--Maximum

The two Prime’s walk off leaving a very confused team and distraught dinobot behind.

The team did adjust to the new Prime and her presence in the Scrapyard.

But it didn’t feel right either.

Don’t get them wrong, the new Prime was a great assest and a good friend to the team, but there was a Maxima shaped hole missing.

Grimlock was especcialy affected by this new change.

He had just lost his best friend.

His partner.

His future Conjunx Endura.

Gone, at least for now.

Grimlock figured that until then he could practice asking Maxima the question.

The Dinobot was determined to get the moment right and hoped she’d say yes.

[obscurecharactershowdown]

Group E Round 2

[image ID: the first image is of Goo, a blue blob with a 2 little black eyes and a half smile. the second image is of Shrimp, a black creature with a blue and white collar. he has bright white eyes, 4 spindly legs, a long tail, and an oblong head. end ID]

Goo

okay so goo . goo is like the silliest little goofball ive seen on a web series . he dances with PINECONES and makes and says weird wacky analogies and keeps all of them in little notebook for later use and also made a 3-5 hour film for his best friend bot after they said they wanted a new identity BUT he single-handedly spent like 30mil dollars or something for that but it’s okay hes trying his best !!!!! also he did NOT deserve to be voted out for that i really hope goo and bot reunite btw because they didnt get to talk much right before goo’s elimination and not ONLY that but literally goo got eliminated BEFORE he got to see bot’s transition he doesn’t even know that their name is bot he still thinks its tbd (…like literally. he still thinks their name is literally “tbd” because they said their name was tbd. yeah he’s kinda dumb like that but it’s okay i love him for it/p) as far as i know anyways their silly little meaningful conversation before his elimination that made me cry "yeah,, i liked it !! but.. it was,,. a lot :[ listen goo,, i-i dont need this new identity to be such a big grand spectacle , i just want you to treat me like. llike me . with all the uncertainty lately, it helps everything feel just a bit more,, normal , yknow .?" “oh,, ohfor sure ,! i get it !! it’s like,, you just wanted a slice of cake, and i went and gave you the whole bakery ,:D !!” “hehe, yyup, nailed it !! ,:)” UWAHHHHHHH😭/LH/POS and also he’s apart of an alliance with his bestie called the cheer factory !!!! and they focus on cheering people up and theysure as hell do well at it !!!!! they cheered up clover and the floor ithink yes the floor is a character ssshshshshhsshh / and goo literally lost one of the challengesbecause he laughed at the floor’s joke in order to cheer him up AND HE DID NOT CARE he was just glad he got to cheer somebody up !!!!! “another satisfied customer at the,, CHEER FACTORY !!! :D” LITERALLY HE WAS SO HAPPY and also when goo and bot were separated into two seperate teams goo is IMMEDIATELY sad when he notices bot isnt with him “sigh… i guess the cheer factory has become the.., cheer llc. :[“ I FELT SO BAD FOR THE BOTH OF THEM / but ahemem anyways goo is a silly little goober and that’s why he should be in this competition !!!🎉🎉 also a few extra bonus facts about him (sorry not sorry/lh/silly) 1 . he doesnt have limbs but like he also doesnt write with his mouth . his voice actor said he dances on top of the paper until it leaves a smudge 2 . did i mention he dances with pinecones/silly 3 . he likes fudge sundaes 🎉🎉 4 . his voice actor has made him diss subway before due to a request on one of his livestreams ( “lalalalala- SUBWAY⁉️eat fresh my butt‼️>:[[” ) 5 . hes blue

Shrimp

Ok so Shrimp is public enemy #1 and I love him. He's the funny little guy you see on your loading screen during the game who you don't think much of until eventually you find an asylum on one of the floors of the Upturned Inn and oops! Shrimp is there! And you need to free him to progress, which Ik is alarmed by even though you can also just tell him you didn't see/free Shrimp. You can put a collar on this little guy to make him look snazzy, despite how little he's with you. On the floors where he's friendly he kind of just follows you around, so you get to have a little buddy for parts of the game! He's basically just your pet dog who may or may not be severely dangerous. And by may or may not I mean a definite yes he is, because he turns aggressive when he gets especially hungry. He can eat the food objects scattered around, though, so that's avoidable! He can also stay with you for nice little elevator rides, which does concern Ik, but it works out! until he starts trying to attack you but if you don't feed your dog then I don't care if it attacks you [additional propaganda 1]

[coelacat]

I am very intrigued by adam harding and stu sullivan please share a crumb of their lore🙏

hehe hi 👋

okay okay ill finally gush abt them

also i should warn that some fucked shit!! happens to these characters. dont read my lore about them if abuse/rape/substance abuse/bigotry isnt stuff you wanna see. anything under the cut is just a brief mention, but its there

so most of my ocs (the guys with relatively normal names, anyone named like. blade or some fantasy name ignore them for now) are a set of young adults in the 80s in small town midwest USA (some town in iowa, probably) (if any of this sounds familiar to anyone keep it to urself :)). i wanna cover their struggles with highschool, struggling with transitional periods, and then growing into adulthood. im debating if i wanna add and supernatural/scifi elements of have it focus on their relationships and internal struggles mostly, but those are minor details for later on down the road

adam!! hes like. My Main Guy. the one i ended up making this whole lil universe for. bold that i created all of this for him basically and i still named him after adam from the bible, yet it gives me a complex i deeply enjoy so i do it anyway. i am a god who created the world for man, not man for the world.

most of these characters play off 80s media stereotypes and expand on them, and i think adam is like. the most blatant example of this. you know that movie from the 80s-90s you last watched that had a misogynistic metalhead who pulled chicks because he viewed them as objects to win, loved his car, and was angry and violent most of the time, while people who were scared of him vaguely assumed he was satanic in some way? thats adam harding. bleached blonde hair done in a perm mullet, a shitty stache hes convinced makes him look mature, sad brown eyes, leather jackets, and steel toed boots, with tattoos to really top it all off.

semi repressed devout christian faggot who struggles with his own sexuality and identity. hes got daddy issues AND mommy issues (though his mommy issues are much more prominent) and an abusive and neglectful home life, he has to adapt to having a sister after being an only child his whole life, and he has to adjust to a move half way across the country, from southern california to the middle of nowhere hick iowa. as a result, hes quick to anger, never lets his guard down unless around other queers, but ultimately he wants to be good. he was told to be good by his mother, its been ingrained in him from a young age to be nice and do good things. its just unfortunate that his environment allows for that as little as possible. when he has the patience and energy, hes often a lot gentler, but its rare for him to not be running on fumes and a bit of nicotine.

his hobbies include chasing milfs and cougars, working on his car, working out, surfing, blaring Dio as loud as humanly possible, chainsmoking, basketball and wrestling. keep those last two in mind.

on the other hand, stewie "stu" sullivan is the star example of what a highschool student should be. athletically, hes the top of the school, hes got pretty hair and a handsome face, a kind of preppy style, and girls go wild over him. soft brunet hair, sweet freckles occasionally dotting his skin, and lovesick hazel eyes. hes even a total sweetheart who usually treats his girlfriends really well. his only downsides are his mild stupidity, petty mean streak, his shitty guard dog entourage, and his twin brother, kurtis.

stu comes from an upper middle class home, and hes got high expectations set on him. hes consistently been great on whatever local sports team hes been a part of, and the success of his whole future rests on his shoulders to continue doing well. he'll have a free ticket to college, if only he can stay the top of his school, athletically. in terms of popularity, hes pretty slow to give up that as well.

you can probably guess that having the constant pressure to be perfect from his parents creates a lot of friction, however, hes always been seen as the "good" of the two twins. he cant really rebel in any meaningful way, as the expectations placed on him keep him locked in place of being well mannered with adults. towards other students, however, stu will happily pick some fights to blow off steam. its usually with the teens that dont fight back, of course, and its usually only a couple petty insults and a half hearted shove. one affected girl thought that she mightve seen remorse in his expression when he walked away. she was written off as being down bad for him.

oh, right. remember those hobbies of adams i asked you to keep in mind? basketball and wrestling?

yeag .... that might be because stu is the top of the team for wrestling and basketball, and is constantly regarded as the schools mvp.

you can imagine how easily theyd hate each other. theyre both hormonal teenagers who are angry all the time and feel insanely guilty about being angry so they only get angrier and now theyre both challenging each others masculinity. adam very quickly comes for the top spot in the sports stu is good at, so they end up beefing with each other fast and hard. its a constant cock measuring contest with them, and they frequently bloody each others noses.

this sorta fued carries on, and they make no real progress with each other for like 6 months, until adam meets eve, a mysterious newcomer to the town who refuses to say much about herself. shes very obviously queer, and he latches onto her almost immediately as a result of that, and verious other reasons. eventually, eve will coax out adams queerness and he'll be a little more comfortable with himself and end up realizing "fuckkkkkj dude ive got a crush on that prettyboy whos blood ive tasted!!". stu will eventually be coaxed into realizing himself and fixing some of his issues as well as they get older, though all that stuff is a lot more vague in my mind at the moment.

the post i rbed from you tagging as them, id imagine is after adam meets eve, and starts spreading his faggot agenda to stu, but before either of them are fully comfortable with the fact that theyre into men.

stu will eventually have some gender fuckery going on too, but like. thats complicated and i wanna wait and explore that once i have a more comfortable grasp on his character.

if you want a voice claim for adam, i particularly like Randy from Idle Hands (1999) for him? i still gotta nail down voice claims for most other characters though. sorry that adams my favorite

[spacesully]

Tips on Writing a Book

(From a writer who's nearly complete with the novel they're writing.) These are opinions/tips that have helped me.

1.) Create a vague outline.

Don't spend too much time on writing out the details of the novel. World-build, create the characters, set up basic themes, and plot. I feel like the best writing comes through when you do minimal outlining. When I began writing The Vigil Experiment, I barely had an outline. I wrote the first chapter on a whim and it felt like the main protagonist was talking to me. It was not until later chapters (5/6) that I started outlining and plotting. I had a clear plot in my mind that I wanted to get down on paper, ensuring that I could identify any plot holes during the editing process. People may disagree with me because they believe it will make the plot sloppy, but that's not always the case. If you know how you want the book to end and the lessons it'll teach, then you have a basic outline. From there, you can write. I like to write with the flow, then put in more plot details through an outline after writing a few chapters into the book. This is just what helps me get my creativity going :)

2.) Practice. Practice. Practice.

People may not believe me when I say the key to writing is practicing it. What do I mean by that? Write short stories! Whether it's fan fics or essays for school, anything that can enhance your writing is worth exploring! Although I don't do it as often as I should, I can't help but notice how much my writing style improves every time I write an essay for college. (Using new vocabulary and transitions that make my writing easier to comprehend. It improves my prose.) I used to write short stories about characters I made up a while ago that have helped me tremendously when it comes down to writing. Practice folks!

3.) Listening to music.

Put on some Luke Hemmings or 5sos related and I'll write for hours. The inspiration music gives me is incredible. Writing a sad scene? Alright, put on some Billie Ellish. The aurora around music has captivated me to write even more. A lot of my inspiration draws from music, not just lyrically. It's the vibe of the music that uplifts me to weave words into sentences in my tales. It's so nice.

4.) Avoid distractions.

This is inevitable, as some of us are prone to get distracted. (Me) To minimize distractions, I turn on do not disturb on my phone for a few hours and put away everything that takes my focus off of my book. Remember to take breaks and be kind to yourself. It's okay to get distracted and wander away sometimes, but don't forget to stay focused on your goal.

5.) Don't edit your first draft. Go with the flow.

I had done this mistake, and I still do it occasionally, but I stop myself before I indulge in it. It's so easy to get lost in edits while reading back while writing. If you continue to do this, you'll never reach the end of the book. Trust me, I know from experience—it took me months just to finish three chapters.

6.) Rewrite IF needed.

If you realize that first or third person doesn't fit the narrative of your story, rewrite! Take your time and no rush to finishing your book. Only do this if you think certain perspectives are a better fit for your story.

7.) Take your time and have confidence in yourself.

Take your time and write at a pace that feels comfortable to you. Take your time and savor the journey instead of rushing towards the finish line! If it takes you years to finish writing a book because of the ups and downs of life, then embrace it! Trust in your writing abilities and avoid putting too much pressure on yourself!

8.) Promote early!

Another topic people may disagree with. The earlier you promote, the more opportunities you will have for success. Once you start outlining your book and have a clear idea of its content, begin promoting snippets and teasers to generate interest. Upload unedited snippets and your journey! I recently viewed a instgrammer whose book is in the works and they've been uploading unedited snippets and their journey of writing the book. Of course, keep it minimal to provide no spoilers, but provide a mini synopsis to captivate the audience in learning more about you and the book.

9.) Create Realatable Charchters.

This is very important! The process of character creation is what hooks people and keeps them engaged in your story. If there's a lot of development, they'll grow attached, especially if your character is relatable, someone the readers can see themselves in. It's my favorite part of the process because I get to observe people on social media and in real life. How can I get someone to relate to my character. I take notes, study behaviors, and even see likeable attributes in people for fictional characters. To help, I do character studies on fictional characters that people adore. Right now I'm doing a character study on Alastor and Lucifer from Hazbin Hotel. So far, this has helped me understand their personalities and analyze how they would respond and what actions they would take in certain situations. Lucifer, with his cunning nature, rarely loses his temper. Alastor, with his hands hidden behind his back and a constant smile on his face, maintains an air of deception to unsettle his enemies. The characters' body language tells the whole story. Lucifer's polite demeanor is evident in his use of phrases like "please," even during moments of frustration, suggesting his upbringing in Heaven. See, character studies can be influential, as you can implement some of these traits into your own. Just don't copy and paste characters, make them unique.

10.) Add as many scenes as you can think of and delete later.

Your first draft is your first draft for a reason. Go overboard, get creative! Get rid of scenes in the editing process.

11.) Have fun!

The most important step is to have fun. Make sure not to exhaust yourself with too much work. Immerse yourself in the boundless sea of creativity. If you start to feel fatigued or uninterested, take a break from your book and focus on something that brings you joy. Come back to it once you rediscover the joy it once brought you. Remember, you want to write and bring your words to life on the page.

Good luck with your novels and writing journeys! These tips are optional, so feel free to disregard them! I wanted to share these as a glimpse into my writing process, in case anyone was interested :)

[nouveauxamoris]

i think u should post more design hcs... if i may suggest the big three in the bitch brigade :3

IM SO ON IT! just like the last design hc post, i’ll add little rundowns of some of the design traits!

DAZAI

my dazai design has gone thru a LOT of phases, as well as just a bit of exploration… a few common and solidified traits about him however:

- dazai’s very tan, and his hair is VERY curly, bordering coily. in my hc he’s ethnically mixed :3 (japanese and bangladeshi!)

- soft but sharp face, big nose, and soft big eyes. thick eyebrows too! i based his colour scheme off the manga one, so, dark brown almost black hair instead of a lighter brown, and dark brown eyes instead of a chestnut brown.

- SNAKEBITE PIERCINGS! in me nd the lovely @fiftyofhearts ‘ hcs (hes the asker here hai ethan :3), he got them done w ranpo and yosano.

- he’s fat. okay. i said so. the silhouette of his big ass clothes (the trenchcoat specifically) makes him look a little smaller, but thats still very much true.

- he’s scruffy. goes through periods of shaving vs not shaving but generally has a little bit of wispy facial hair more often than not. also, he’s transmasc!!! he binds w bandages also its not good. don’t do what he does. i don’t encourage unsafe binding

- 14 to 16-zai was very hyperfem. i don’t think he had that realization that he was trans until a liiiil bit later. maybe around 17? very subtly transitioned. i dont think he outwardly came out to many people other than probably chuuya, oda, and ango. everyone else just caught on eventually. he definitely went solely by his last name to disassociate from his deadname and eventually chose the name “osamu” as his first later on

- prisonzai is FULL of facial hair! his hair has gotten a lil longer too. that’s due to the fact that i’d imagine honestly his hair grows Very fast. and they’re not gonna give him a razor to shave this is literally prison

- he’s a lesbian btw

SIGMA

somehow, the sigma design has stayed relatively linear.

- LATINA SIGMA REALNESS!!!!!!!!!! a little ethnically ambiguous canonically because she was made from a book. duh. but tbh i think shes argentinian

- tan skin, very cool undertone. soft and droopy eyes, SUPER thick eyebrows, and white eyelashes. very round face and big and wide arched nose. she has a bit of a pathetic and sopping wet look to her, but she still looks very kind and gentle. most of the time while she’s masking (usually while working), that kinda works in her favour. adds to the warm and inviting feeling she’s got goin on. however, her resting face is very sad and miserable.

- she’s tall and lanky, kinda skinny. very lean and relatively average build. her colour scheme and outfit design is adjacent to the way she’s drawn in the manga. i love her so much but i dont like the anime depiction of her outfit… sorry bbg. she’s perfect in every way however

- i think generally, she’s very androgynous. enjoys dressing very androgynously too. you know how in stormbringer lippmann is described as like, so androgynous to the point where if he dressed femininely men would go crazy ‘nd if he dressed masculinely women would go crazy?? yeah. she’s got something similar goin on. switches between dressing femininely and masculinely and very in-between often. always doing something cute.

- in my eyes she is so transfem. no sort of medical transition, tho… just socially. came out that page serving cunt and she’ll continue to the day she dies

- she wears press on nails me-thinks. usually black almonds or stilettos, sometimes she switches it up to purple however.

- hair cut is kinda weird but like ???? its like if u mixed a hime cut w a wolf cut basically. or smthn like that. lots of layers. yes that’s her natural hair colour btw, she’s just cute like that.

- she’s also a lesbian btw

JŌNO

i’m only rlly getting into drawing jōno recently.. so lots of things keep changing. however, i HAVE decided on something.

- jōno is very much so blasian. lightskinted…. hair is pretty wavy but rests pretty straight just cuz of the haircut. the red is dyed btw. she didn’t care much abt the colour, someone asked to fuck w her hair, and she begrudgingly told them to go crazy. everyone seems to like it however, so she’s down w it.

- SMILE LINES. SMILE LINES AND EYE WRINKLES. product of keeping her eyes closed literally all the time. and her stupid smug resting face. she’s also filled with freckles and beauty marks. majority of them are on her face, but she’s definitely got some around her body as well.

- jōno is Tall. around 5’11” ethan has decided. she’s got a very graceful build but she’s NOT small, nor thin. lots of muscle and fat collecting around her thighs and legs, her strongest asset when it comes to physical strength methinks. have you SEEN how violently she’s able to kick people??? cmon now.

- very elegant woman in every aspect Except personality. i love her she’s actually SUCH a bitch

- again. TRANSFEM! if i like a male character.. heh… well… let’s just say they’re no longer male. (unless you’re dazai. he’s boybossing it up every day)

- she’s ALSO a lesbian btw

- i don’t have a lot to say for her i just love her so much omg

[icyfox17]

1, 4, 8, 22, 26, 29, 30, 32, 35, 40, 52, 58 (It’s Golden Hour Somewhere :) and 61 (Wilbur Soot and Lovejoy!)

I know that’s a hekkin ton, so you don’t have to answer all of them XD

1. Are you an albums person or a singles person?

Albums !!! I think . askdfjksd

4. Is there a song you love but don't like its music video?

oh i am sure there are lots... especially songs from when i was a kid bc radio music always has hypersexualised music videos and those always made me feel so so uncomfy... can't think of an example rn though :0

8. Is there an artist or song that you like, despite being of a genre you don't usually like?

OOOHH HTHIS IS AN INTERESTING QUESTION HMM

Scared of the Dark by lil wayna, ty dollar sign, and xxx. i do Not like mumble rap and i really didn't like the verses but the CHORUS WAS SOOO GOUGHOGHOUGHOG EXPLODES that i listened to it on repeat and now i love the song (even tho i find the guys voice in the verse funny)

29. Songs you love to dance to:

funny you should ask that bc i have a playlist~ ... I JUST DELETED IT BY ACCIDENT FUCKKKKKK AWOFEIJAWEFLK

anyways. i will fix that later welp KFJSAKDJF

come on eileen by dexys midnight runners is A CLASSIC AND MUST BE ADDED IT'S THE BEST DANCING SONG EVER IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY AND EVER SINCE I READ BEES FIC HONEY AND TANGERINES IT MADE IT EVEN BETTER I CANNOT DO THIS RAHSSSSSS

disco by surf curse is another song that is just INSTANT DANCE VIBES how can u NOT dance to it

kiss goodnight by IDKHOW is another really lovely song that always makes me want to dance :)))

30. Songs you love to sing along to:

now this one i ALSO have a playlist and i will NOT delete it this time ohmgyod im actually so sad i loved my dancing playlist HELPS FDKJKJD

songs that are Simply Bangers hehehe this one's for when i just wanna shout lyrics at the top of my lungs

but for specific onesssss

Locked Outta Heaven by Bruno Mars // IT'S SO GOOD IT MAKES ME FEEL UNHINGED IL OVE IT SO MCHUH ABRKARKJWBAEKAWJKB unfortunately the lyrics make me feel Uncomfortable singing bc . major ace here woOOO but it's fine i just live in denial and try to remind myself that most ppl are actually yknow normal about sex unlike me LMAOFASJKFKJ

You Make My Dreams by Hall & Oats // literally any 80s song makes me so inexplicably happy and i Need to sing the lyrics aloud at the top of my lungs man

40. Which was the best concert you’ve ever been to?

i love ALL of the concerts ive been to but... half alive . half alive was SO FRICKEN COOL DAWGWGAOJIAWEAAEWR THE LIGHTS THE DANCING I CANT I CANNOT GET OVER IT IT WAS ONE OF THE GREATEST MOMENTS OF MY LIFE /SRS IT WAS INCREDIBLE OHMYOGDDD

52. Do you make playlists to be listened to in a specific order or in shuffle? Or both?

so i used to. hate shuffling. bc i am very very picky about the order of songs i listen to (like when i shuffle i will just . look at the queue and edit it intensely). so i used to make them for a specific order and actually one of my favourite things to do is figure out songs that transition super super nicely into each other oguhoguhgo so making a playlist that is perfect from start to finish is my dream... however rn i have such a big?? music taste??? that the playlists are so long and curating it to be the Perfect Experience would take too much time so now i just add shit and shuffle ofssdlkfd

58. Send me a song and I'll tell you the colors it made me think of, without looking at cover arts or music videos.

well that's just kinda unfair the word gold is literally in the title HELPPP but i picture the field that's in the music video (wait help "without looking at the music video" too late for that buddy it's engrained in my memory with how many times ive watched it), like that greenish colour that's what i think of yellowish green

but okay okay im turning it on now and the colours i get while listening to it is faded pastel yellow from the guitar intro, it turns more brownish orange in the verses, DEF a deep yellow/brown when the bass comes in

the chorus is green to me, the ooOooOOo is green and yellow to me

gosh i love golden hour

61. Make me choose between two artists/songs/albums.

ooohhh this one is hard bc like lovejoy has so much more stuff but wilbur soot changed my life

im choosing wilbur bc of since i saw vienna but do know that this hurt me asdjkfasdjkhf

[lemon-inferno]

Reborn Rich episode 7 ✔️

It is the beginning of the end. Episode seven felt much like a transitional episode that began to tighten its hold on our Do Jun, just to release him later on. Up until now everything was going smoothly for him, but now he’s beginning to encounter challenge after challenge in the faces of his “family”.

I’ll separate this episode in to characters.

First Do Jun. I was really excited for this episode simply because of how the previous one ended. The face off between Do Jun and his grandfather in that dimly lit room was everything for me. It was, as I said, the beginning of the end. I love the timeframe this show has, the real events footage they use. The way they’re going with this, Do Jun is going to be responsible for how modern day (fictional) Seoul developed. I mean, it was already implied when he chose that particular piece of land to get from his grandfather. But now with the DMC too, this is quickly turning into “Do Jun built modern day Seoul” kind of thing, lol. (If you’re not familiar with what DMC is, it’s a real place in Seoul. If any of you are into fashion, Seoul Fashion week happened there in 2022. But it’s really much more than that.)

Another thing about Do Jun: the romance associated with him. I’m glad he rejected her offer. The way the preview set it up, I almost thought there’s a chance he’ll accept. For all we know, she could’ve been the one to order his murder in his previous life as Hyun Woo. I’m not really interested in the romance at all, so I’m glad it didn’t really take that course. I’m guessing we won’t be seeing Min Young for a while. It was implied we wouldn’t, at least to me. With the bar exam and the sad shot where she stands alone. Yeah, I think she won’t be very involved. Or at least, I hope. BUT THAT IS JUST ME, OKAY?

Next the grandfather, Jin Yang Cheol. I have a love-hate relationship with this character. He’s not truly evil, but he’s also wrong. But I guess that’s the point. He’s a good business man, not a good family man. Still human though. He feels for his children, he blames himself for making them out to be enemies and yet he can’t swallow his pride (and his company) for them. It must be what he wants and nothing else. He made his oldest son a cripple to save his company. Then he says he feels guilty about it. For me, the bad outweighs the good in him.

Oh Se Hyun, my beloved. He’s gained my trust. I was really suspicious of him for a while, but I think he’ll remain beside Do Jun for the rest of the show. I’m starting to like his character more and more. And I’m very happy to see more of Tiffany. Sorry, I mean Rachel.  She is awesome, I love her. The role is basically herself with another name, but I love her.

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT PART FOR ME! I was waiting for Do Jun’s parents to be more involved! I had this thought in the back of my mind, I didn’t give it voice because I would’ve remained annoyed while watching the show and I didn’t want to ruin my own experience. I’m really, really happy that Do Jun’s father backed him up and I can’t wait to see more of Do Jun’s relationship with them. I’m sure that as Do Jun, he understands they had no control over what happened and they don’t even know their son was “swapped” in Do Jun’s mind (I assume). I’m still betting that they were actually his real parents even when he was Hyun Woo, but if I love it’s a bet I’m willing to lose.

The only moment of this episode that I didn’t like was when the lightbulb burst. It’s such a trademark move for kdramas to have that cheesy moment where someone saves a girl from something incredibly stupid and unthreatening in the most dramatic way possible. After nearly 10 years of kdrama I should be used to it. Cope, remon.

Anyways, that’s pretty much it for now. Looking forward to episode 8 and 9!  

[cantfightmoonlight]

"I don't know if I'd say prefer? I like flowery language just fine. I just don't trust it is all. While with flowers? Well, a flower is a flower whether or not the sentiments behind them are sincere, right? That and they're pretty too look at. Kind of like that annoying face of yours," She teased back, shaking her head lightly back and forth. "Though out of the two, I think you may be more like the flowery language than the plant which is exactly what makes you trouble, Trouble."

"I could argue otherwise, but then we'd just keep going back and forth now, wouldn't we?" Bri murmured softly back. A mischievous glint dancing across her gaze as a new counter popped into the back of her head, but rather than say it outright, she chose to hold her tongue. "Mhm. Then how about later? Does later work for you in terms of dinner?" She mused. Her voice still no more than a soft hum as she teasingly took the time to glance him up and down. Only at the mention of her memory, the corner of her lips couldn't help, but inch up some more. "There are worst ways to go. Trust me. And 'perhaps'? You're leaving things very open ended you know that, Benjamin? But, okay. A book I like... A book I like," She continued to hum out as she turned back towards the books at hand. "Are we talking my actual favorite or the book I like to say is? And what about you? Out of all of these books, which one is the one you could never part with?"

"And yet you still make the choice to forget? What pulled you back? If you don't mind me asking? Only... you don't have to do that, you know? Try to reassure me? I'm okay. I mean I'm not, but I... I think you're probably right in the fact that there is bound to be someone or something that will draw him back here, I just... I don't think it will be me," She admitted quietly. And why would she be? The second Jonah stepped over the border, he'd go back to remembering her as the girl who died two years back. And as nice as it was that Ben felt like Bri was worth remembering, even vaguely, she knew deep down that she wasn't the someone or the something worth coming back to. She was one of the details that slipped through the cracks and no amount of hope would change that, just like how no amount of delusional optimism had made her transition into a vampire any less difficult. Sometimes hope, however pleasant of idea, could cause more pain than it was worth. "So, it's not that I'm worried so much as simply-" sad? Though, that was the one word she couldn't bring herself to say out loud. So, instead she only shrugged.

"Which part? The getting to know me part or being an exception?" She asked. A hint of a smile finding its way across her lips again as she curved a brow over at him curiously. "Yeah, well, dying will do that to you. But, yeah, there is something kinda magical about this place, huh? I mean I think I would have probably preferred not to have been turned to in a vampire, but I also am not sure if, as a human, I would have wanted to give all of this up either? And thank you for your service. The Gentlemen's Association would be proud," She let out a light laugh.

"Oh. Well, in that case," Bri trailed off, tentatively taking a step closer as her hands reached up and gave the collar of his shirt a light tug. "Would you, Benjamin Anak Bandi, like to go count some books with me in that oh so very talked about bedroom of yours?" She murmured back.

"It's a sign for cross my heart, my dearest darling," Ben teased. "Ah, so you prefer flowers over flowery language. You know, blue orchids, for their rarity, are an excellent gift for those that we hold most near, dear, and darling to us." He chuckled, careful not to comment on the blush in her cheeks, instead thinking that answering her question would be teasing enough. "I believe you called my face annoyingly perfect, actually. I'm not trouble. I'm merely pointing things out. " Nothing trouble about that, Ben thought. He thought about her critique, considering how best to counter her counter. He led his classes on the premise of open discussion and debate, where no answer was truly wrong but could be teased into a more focused and detailed argument. "I feel like this is about to get into a 'slow and steady wins the race debate' but with a Formula 1 without a steering wheel and a bike." Humming, Ben conceded, "I made no stipulations as to when dinner had to occur, only that it should." He couldn't help but laugh. Really, if there were any words that were going to stick with him, he supposed those weren't the worst. "Well, your killer memory's going to be the death of me, I just know it. Murder by memory," he said, grinning. "Something you like other than me. Perhaps of the book variety."

Ben liked most of his books, too. All of them, really, even the bad ones, even the ones that he hadn't particularly enjoyed reading. The art of the written word was enough for him. He was drawn out of that when she asked what it was like to leave. "It's... strange. To forget things and to know you've forgotten them. Details that slip through cracks. He might not forget you, but even if he does, he'll remember something. Sometimes, people cling to us, even if we forget the details. I always reminded myself that I had something to come back to, something I couldn't leave for good. Even if he forgot you, there's going to be something that pulls him back. I think you're going to be a part of that. It's fine to say things like that. It's fine to be worried. But a little hope can go a long way. Try to hold onto it, yeah?" He didn't know if her cousin would remember her completely, but he'd remember something. It was the something that brought Ben back, that made him decide not to leave. He let her change the tone to something lighter, feeling like she needed it. "I certainly don't mind it. Look, most people don't understand that they're supposed to be asking questions, but that's the point of living, isn't it? The pursuit of knowledge? It's not just about learning more about the world around us but about learning about the people that we share this world with, too."

He had to wonder what made her make the choice to move in the first place, other than some apparent idyll about suburban life. "Just because you made the choice doesn't mean that it can't sometimes be a difficult one." He snorted. "Half the time, I'm quite certain the Cove doesn't want any of us here. The other half I'm convinced that this really is the only safe place left for supernaturals and not to coexist, and not just because all of the other spaces have been wiped out." Sometimes, too, he worried about being nothing more than human in a place that had so much to fear from humans, but a part of his newfound job was to bridge that gap. Just as being in education was about the spread of knowledge, Ben thought that being the Coalition leader wasn't much different. "Too many surprises is bad for my poor human heart," he said wryly. "And your secret's safe with me. No one will ever know you think being a professor is awesome."

Ben paused what he was doing and looked back at her, an eyebrow raised. "I mean, I haven't started cooking yet. If you'd like to count books, you need only ask," he murmured. "I suppose that wouldn't make me much of a gentleman at all, would it? I'd have to make sure the ice cream to ketchup ratio would be equal for us both."

[makiema]

finally finished writing about how much stormbringer enhances the skk dynamic which was at a nascent stage in Fifteen and anticipates the developments which happen later and culminate in Dead Apple where the faith they have in each other is absolutely remarkable! the fact that i said i’d do this in a few hours yesterday but it took me like 24 hrs to finish i have an attention span of a whole 2 minutes 💀

my favorite thing about stormbringer is that it actually builds up on the concepts/themes introduced in Fifteen so it's a glimpse into what has changed in dazai and dazai & dhuuya after one year of being together. As much as it's about chuuya confronting his past and his identity this is also about dazai’s development from who he was in fifteen. chuuya and rimbaud both left their marks on dazai and in Stormbringer we see him, actually trying to emulate or follow in a sense a way of life, that chuuya and rimbaud represented. Stormbringer is not just about chuuya, abt his test of humanity, or he coming in terms with who or what he is. it's about dazai too. it's about dazai developing or at least attempting to develop what he calls “boyish”/ “ordinary” in Fifteen. its not about chuya having an identity crisis. in fact what we understand from Code 04's last section is that chuuya never considered it as his crisis and neither did dazai. so to dazai “saving chuuya is important, human or not doesn't matter” and when dazai gives chuuya time to think abt what the operation will cost him chuuya doesnt so much as flinch form his purpose. This goes on to show unlike verlaine he doesnt care about memory and certainly doesnt consider it as the only determinant of someone being human. He cares more abt yokohama and his friends and in that, in caring abt his “family”, he is just as human as the next person. whether he’s factually human or not comes secondary to his desire to save people. This is a message that the quality of being human has more to do with embodying human qualities or humanity than having memories and lineage. so yeah stormbringer is essentially about embracing humanity but this happens on 2 levels: both chuuya and dazai embrace humanity. Going back to the boyish or ordinary bit, im talking abt this segment:

here dazai is shocked because he assumed everyone “gangsta” and everyone crazy powerful delighted in homicide, in deliberately indulging in the macabre. but he is proved wrong. He logically concluded that anyone with power more than average and belonging to the underground would kill people and delight in that because it’s a given they lack any kind of moral understanding. To that end, they’d be exalted at the prospect of relentlessly shooting a dead body, mutilating it and dishonoring it. The mafia code (any general mafia code) works in a way where honor and death goes hand in hand. So only the lowest of the low would do that to a dying person, who even when faced with certain death is loyal to his own organisation. This really shows that even within the mafia dazai is the only person whos like the devil incarnate. So yeah dazai at this sate far lower than even a mafia member. But chuuya who actually embodiess the mafia code and is incredibly loyal to his organisation and “family” [ putting family in quotes bc he himself calls his friends family 🥺] ofc kicks the gun away. From dazai’s pov chuuya being as insanely powerful as he is should also do the same. But chuuya comes along and suggests that even enemies should be shown respect where it’s due. And that is what an ordinary person, oblivious to mafia life (mafia life as in waht dazai makes of it) thinks. So in undermining the binary between “ordinary” and “mafia” chuuya proves that being mafia doesnt necessarily mean selling your soul to the devil and giving up the last smidge of humanity. In fact by embodying qualities like compassion and kindness and mutual respect, you can make the mafia a better place for yourself and for the other members. Now in Stormbringer, we see how this affected dazai. here dazai is introduced as someone mercilessly killing to set up the channel. 

Now to expand the channel one would need to keep doing it right? To mercilessly kill ppl and stuff but instead what he does is hand the channel over to chuuya bc he knows chuuya wouldnt handle it like him. im not suggesting that dazai miraculously becomes v good or anything with dazai the key words is “try” or “to some extent” like in Fifteen when Chuuya asks “do u wanna live” he’s like “ not to that extent”. similarly its not to say he doesnt kill people anymore. it is that he tries to lessen the number of casualties by handing over one of the most troublesome channels to chuuya who would manage it in a much more humane way. That dazai draws from his friends/at least tries to is smth we’ll see again later on when he deals with akutagawa. He talks about odasaku and ofc its baffling to him that a mafia member as powerful as him would be taking acre of orphans. and dazai says but he cant afford to be that kind and proceeds to shoot akutagswa but again does so in a calculated way such that he doesnt end up killing him ( im NOT justifying dazai’s abuse not at all im just saying that its hard to believe he coincidentally knew the exact no of bullets that aku could block. and had odasaku’s words and his way of life not been in the back of his mind he could’ve ended up killing aku) coming back to chuuya and dazai we also see him avoiding further conversation on the jewelry channel thing as he says “leave that for now”. He does a similar thing again when mori brings up the concept of double suiciding with chuuya.

 Its a HUGE thing for him to digest that him suiciding would inevitably spell the doom for chuuya. this puts an unimaginable responsibility on him. And he avoids further discussion on this. Now we know dazai is the rambly type. Even in the most dire moments he goe son with his LOONG monologues so really he is the last person who’d avoid a conversation but he deliberately does it in these 2 instances because its hard for him to grasp these things. That he can go against his nature and do a conscientious thing by handing over one of the most grisly channels to chuuya (i dont think dazai’s nature is evil. Or even if it is, its a a social construct keeping in mind the war ravaged times or its mori’s construct because he does exploit dazai to the hilt. but dazai ofc thinks of himself as non-human, devious. perfectly devilish...etc.) And also the fact that someone as suicidal as him is actually responsible for the life of someone else is really too much to take in. a whole 10 seconds pause indicates just how much he was thrown off when mori opened his eyes to the reality of things: if he dies, chuuya inexorably dies as a consequence. also i dont think the “wow” here or the next bit :

is something jokey. if it was like haha double suicide with chuuya is the worst haha wanna do it w pretty lady kind of a deal. that pause would have been unnecessary. dazai’s immediate reaction would’ve been whining and shit. the use of “froze” too implies the gravity of the situation. so ofc what is “wow” is how much meaning his life has for someone else. and for some so much....better than him. and what is unacceptable is this sad, sad truth that his life (to which he ascribes no value) would be so inextricably linked with someone else’s and hold so much meaning to them. it is like when a suicidal person at the brink of suicide understanding his life is not his own. his life and death holds consequences for ppl surrounding him. so both of these are huge things to grasp and at both these times dazai is visibly shaken up so much so that he doesnt want to do his favorite thing- ramble in a condescending tone. smth he does in so many instances. this really is a testimony to the fact that things are changing in him. the redemption process has begun. he’s no longer the kind of maniac he was before he encountered chuuya. when zuko underwent his transition in atla he was so shaken up after one (1) right decision he had a fever. i think this is true for anyone who’s trying to change. change is after all a huge thing for everyone. ofc he’ll be unsettled. so anyways this is proof that he has indeed come a long way from being someone who revelled at the prospect of meaningless bloodshed.

now coming to the concept of love he assumes he’d get sick of love and die:

and that death is the singular goal worth chasing after because it makes you feel more alive/get a fuller picture of what living entails. but here he is erring by supposing love is something that’ll bore him/have no meaning. and it cant provide him that “something” he’s looking for. at this point he hasn’t loved so he doesnt know whether he’ll be sick of it or if it'll have no impact. And yet he’s morose and regretful. this is a kind of self-imposed constraint hes putting on himself. he cancels out the v idea of love because hes convinced it isnt worth it. he hasnt even been in love okay scratch being in love that sounds romantic and i really dont mean love in a romantic sense here...its just love. in general. any form is cool. anyway so dazai is not familiar with any kind of love. He is entirely alien to the concept. he doesnt even know what a friend/partner is so he doesnt know what love is. this is cleared out here when rimbaud confesses he did everything for paul and dazai is unconvinced:

chuuya ofc admonishes him and shuts him up for good, he says dazai has no right lookind down upon smth he doesnt understand. he doesnt understand friendship, love. or loyalty. or how important those feelings are at this point. now this situation is turned on its head in stormbringer. but before we go into that let’s look at the message rimbaud had for both of them. ik he specifically asks for chuuya to “live” but there’s purpose behind including both of them in the frame. it’s a message they should both take to heart. and at the end of it its implied both are changed after hearing it:

and in this message the first bit is for chuuya. what he says is basically memory doesn’t make u human... ”you are you” just a frame or not doesnt matter. and even if hes just a frame, he is still beautiful. beauty actually is a v important concept in literature starting right from Plato to Shakespeare. i’d not bring this here but because bsd is so deeply rooted in literature i feel like the reference to beauty, and later on to soul and even warmth and also the universal tone of this message carries some meaning. so the thing is  both Plato and Shakespeare were endorsed the idea of love as a force awakened in the world by beauty which then leads the soul to perfection. so humans and by extension, all life are beautiful frames that can inspire love. this concept is also there in Romantic poetry like Keats and Wordsworth all of them talked about loving beauty in nature and how that can elevate the body mind and soul. so essentially in telling this to chuuya what ehe basically means is that chuuya just by being him, by being a beautiful framework can inspire love and warmth in others and thats a great purpose! how much chuuya understands of this purpose with his one (1) braincell and his low self esteem is questionable but he gets some sense of belonging. now this is a two way relationship so ofc dazai has to be factored in. he comes in the next part: 

these are from 2 different translation so the disparity im sorry ;-; but anyway,  this last part abt the world being a cold place. then paul. then “warmth” is a message to dazai who’s been introduced to us as cold-hearted and having like no bearings of a human being. this is the reason why its important for both o f them to be there. now going back to chuuya being a beautiful framework, the framework can be beautiful in so far as its beauty is appreciate by someone and inspires warmth and love in someone. this again is the whole beauty/beholder nature/the romantic concept that is there in shakespeare and in Romantic poetry where both are a part of a codependent relationship. so what rimbaud implies here is that dazai can have that kind of a relationship with another person (chuuya) just like rimbaud had with paul which makes him warm and the world doesnt feel cold anymore. rimbaud has no regrets about what he did because. so the idea is that dazai and chuuya can share the same dynamic. also after this, the narrative says that their hearts are now changed and wont return to what they were before....and even their souls are refined in a way. but in Fifteen we dont have a concrete proof of how this happened bc the novel ends at this point. Instead, Stormbringer shows exactly how deep the impact of those words is: 

this is the third instance of dazai showing hesitation and once again this has to do with chuuya. the seed of the dynamic that rimbaud was talking about  is already germinating in him. his reactions, his fidgeting, his hesitancy, in response to chuuya’s situation is such a big contrast to his cocksure self when he’s conversing with adam and verlaine. after this of course we have: 

not only does he clearly express his concern but he gives chuuya 2 whole mins to make a decision and based on that he’s prepared to overturn the operation. the success rate of an alternative plan will ofc be lesser than the og one but that doesnt faze dazai. he’s ready to turn the tide for chuuya’s sake and if this is not development idk what is. just a year ago, he was someone to whom the concept of rimbaud going thru all that trouble for his friend was a lost concept. ironically enough, now he finds himself doing something that is along the same lines. he puts chuuya above his mission. to him, chuuya is more important than getting a satisfactory result. another bit that i wanna talk abt is that one controversial section where dazai says he’ll save chuuya, human or not, and then the justification is: 

i think a lot of people got mad bc of this and honestly at first glance i was peeved too. as a chuuya stan some of the shit dazai has done so far did rub me the wrong way. i love skk obv but still those were moments that kind of left a bad taste in the mouth. i’ll discuss them later on bc stormbringer helps allay that feeling. coming back to the “i wanna see chuuya suffer” part firstly context is important. ofc someone like dazai cant be expected to be upfront about his feelings with ppl (or AI) he barely knows. so what be relays to adam, is only partly true and its actually a kind of a twist in concept. the things is, and this is  smth dazai knows all too well is that ppl suffer simply on account of being human. human suffering is brought on because humans, by virtue of being humans, feel. so when he says he’s willing to acknowledge chuuya as human despite what N and Verlaine said he’s already admitting that chuuya suffers. so there is really nothing “new” to see for him. he knows chuuya suffers already and he does too because they’re both humans trying to make it thru their messed up lives. also chuuya “ceasing to be human” is a p huge concern for him bc he himself is like that. just like with the suicide thing, it bothers dazai when someone else shares his situation/his fate like as long as his life is his own, he has no problem ending it whenever but the situation is complicated when someone else’s life span is determined by that decision. and similarly, as long as he is “no longer human” its not that much of an issue because he’s like resigned to a doomed fate but someone like chuuya ceasing to be human or worse yet never getting to know if hes human or not are pressing matters. so anyways what he actually means here is that in saving chuuya, he saves someone who suffers just like he does and in their case, even the cause of suffering boils down to a shared psychological conflict: what essentially constitutes being human and if im human or not. now this sharing of pain and suffering is the foundation of forming a connection with someone, which makes life a little better. here again, what rimaud imparted to dazai and chuuya is driven home. also dazai’s key anxiety is not finding meaning/anything. this “anything” can be assumed to be something that justifies life. so all his anxiety and frustration stems from the fact that there really is no discernible meaning to be found in the mechanism of life. so it is an empty pursuit because it is true that nothing can explain why feelings of pain and suffering are exponentially heavier than feelings of happiness or why after getting to experience one (1) free day we’re back to square one where life is grueling. these are questions that really dont have an answer so every time dazai like gazes into the abyss and says he didnt  find anything, he is not so much asking if he’ll ever find anything as swallowing the hard truth that there is nothing to be found, no singular entity exists that can magically justify everything. again drawing upon literature or philosophy more specifically, there’s a concept called Absurdism which says the only philosophical truth so to say is this that life is absurd and looking for meaning is futile. instead what we can do is accept that it is absurd and deal with it in the best way possible, by finding little sources and moments of happiness, and strewing them together so we feel somewhat content. even if it is just for a fleeting second. and this happiness/contentment amidst a wretched life (altho temporal) can be found in friendship, in sharing, and even in having fun with people you’re comfortable with! this is actually why dazai wants to save chuuya and now it may seem like im interpreting his words through the shipping lens but thats not so and it can be corroborated by looking into dazai’s words to odasaku. after chuuya, dazai’s next attempt at friendship was odasaku who he found “interesting”. now when odasaku sort of like threw hands and chose death over having to live a life without the orphans, dazai tried to stop him not by saying stuff like life is good. and things will def change for the better. but instead he admits that living is hard and the sense of void is ubiquitous and yet he doesnt want him to  up and die because then he would be sad. because the little comfort that he got from odasaku and something he probably assumed odasaku also got from him would be gone. [how much odasaku considered dazai a source of comfort remains unclear. in fact the reason odasaku gave up and died was because he did not have this. this feeling of sharing in someone else’s suffering and seeking comfort in friends in the real world. instead he was too vested in his ideal world. his over reliance on an entirely idealistic concept is actually what pushed him over the edge. and this would have been the case for dazai too had he not encountered and sought comfort and companionship in chuuya and eventually in odasaku ] so this again goes on to show how rimbaud’s words changed dazai’s heart. and in a way dazai really has been doing this unconsciously form the v beginning like by teasing chuuya continually in Fifteen. you dont expect someone as cold as him to indulge in friendly bickering and taunting so often but he does. that there is significance and even happiness in that is something he learns over time, after rimbaud’s words to him. although these things seem futile on the surface they give a moment’s respite. so although chuuya spinning dazai on a rope in stormbringer might seem weird to everyone, they still serve a purpose:  

what shirase puts forward is particularly relevant here because neither dazai nor chuuya is fully aware of the extent of their feelings (or even what those feelings are like they dont know what label to put. so typical oblivious lovers) for each other or what they stand to gain just by driving each other nuts but there is something intangible but satisfying to be felt. a kind of contentment that helps him continue. one day at a time. there is no one great “thing” that can make him like wake up one day feeling like he doesnt want to die ever again. but again like i said before, the key word for dazai is “extent” so, these little things to some extent contribute to a sense of fulfilment which helps him keep death at bay. thats why he’s bent on saving chuuya bc he knows they can share in their suffering and make life better for each other. its not like he wants chuuya to suffer. chuuya will suffer nonetheless like every other human. but in suffering together there is something to be found so he doesnt want him to cease being human. 

this covers more or less the intertextuality between Stormbringer and Fifteen. i just wanna talk a bit more about a couple other moments in Stormbringer that i feel are p important because they put some things in the series in perspective and also made the dead apple moment 10x more emotional 🥺 one thing that really strikes me is the absolute fanon level of comfort that dazai and chuuya share in Strombringer. its like scenes form k-drama lol. 

so yeah this stuff. compare this with dazai’s reaction @atsushi when he drops im not saying that its not just a joke and that what im saying should be the right way to look at this contrast. its not like that at all. but what this does is give an estimate to the readers just how close and comfortable dazai feels when its chuuya. and this plus everything i rambling on abt for so long also gives us an estimate about the sincerity of dazais feelings. now 2 things always bothered me : the fact that dazai actually left chuuya and the fact that after the fight against lovecraft he actualy deserted him (this again can ofc be construed as just a humorous bit but still it did leave a bad taste in my mouth) dazai leaving the mafia is ofc something he had to do to fulfil oda’s dying wish but it still dint sit right with me that he would abandon chuuya. just like oda levaing is harder on dazai, dazai leaving is harder on chuuya. its always harder on the one left behind. so anyway, these sorts of things sometimes made me doubt dazai’s feelings but now that stormbringer clears it all up i do think there is a larger motif at work here. when mori offers dazai to come back to the mafia in s2 we see him saying that it was mori who kicked him out and that he did so because he was afraid dazai would usurp his position. so he set it up in a way that dazai would be forced to leave but on his own accord. now more than usurpation i believe what mori really did fear is that dazai had no allegiance to the mafia (which is actually true) bc he doesnt have that sense of loyalty and that to him his friends were more important than swearing allegiance to mori. (which again is true). so by getting oda killed, the message that mori seemed to be giving out was if dazai didnt leave he would do it again. and if we consider ango’s betrayal which had already transpired at that point, the one mori would next target to sort of get at dazai would inevitably be chuuya. this is only conjecture but still, i do believe this might as well be true because then it would explain why dazai didnt carry chuuya back to the base after their fight [something he was v comfortable doing in Stormbringer. in fact in the first case he carries chuuya back to the billiards bar and not to the mafia’s base so he could hear albatross’ last words 🥺] its because mori needs to know unlike dazai, chuuya is absolutely loyal to him which regrettably he is. it kinda becomes imperative therefore on part of dazai to make it seem that way to mori. that they really are at each others throats and that dazai is insignificant to chuuya. and that the mafia comes before dazai. (which is not true bc we see chuuya protecting his friend [shirase] while also staying loyal to the mafia in Stormbringer) 

mori also in his own way tries to provoke hostility b/w them like in Dead Dpple when he was all like yeah so dazai is the star and chuuya is merely bait. so it kinda makes sense if dazai left the mafia not only to like do good work but also to protect chuuya from mori. also the fact that chuuya did the same thing— left the Sheep and joined PM to protect Shirase from the mafia makes be believe that my speculation is plausible given all the parallels we find between dazai and chuuya. 

and the last bit is about the brilliant Dead Apple scene and how much added context it gets in light of Stormbringer. 

in this scene dazai first says: “you used Corruption believing in me?” and then the translation is “how beautiful” which is an okay translation but the exact thing dazai said was “nakasetekurerune” which literally is : youre gonna make me cry you know? now my knowledge of japanese is like duolingo level but i do know “nakasete” has to do with crying and “kureru” is used by the receiver to indicate he’s receiving a feeling/object from someone close. so basically chuuya trusting him is something so beautiful that it could almost move him to tears. now lets look at dazai’s intro in Stormbringer:

dazai, being dazai, ofc would be able to tell genuine trust from fealty out of fear so ofc the fact that chuuya has this kind of blind faith in him is overwhelming for him. also stormbringer really expands on the sight effects of Corruption in full detail. its so PAINFUL and to think that chuuya would jump into it right away for dazai’s sake.....no wonder he is so soft when deactivating him. and then he proceeds to flirt for a little bit with the Snow White and the kiss of life reference. but this flirting doesnt seem even a little out of place now. it doesn't feel like smth meaningless or smth that dazai is just saying as a joke. that there is absoluetly no subtext to making a statement like that. instead that kind of flirting feels like smth inspired from a deep, deep familiarity with someone who really shares his heart and soul. when he talks to chuuya abt the problem of not knowing whether he is human or not, it is a problem that is as central to him as it’s to chuuya. not feeling fully reconciled to a human identity is a problem thats fundamental to both of them. I don’t think familiarity gets any deeper than this where you share the exact same psychological problem. so its really wonderful how we can trace the skk development now: what starts out as a crush on part of dazai or not a crush exactly rather, a feeling of perplexed admiration because chuuya is breathtakingly beautiful inside out, eventually gain all these layers and develops into something meaningful where they have so much faith in each other and where they literally help each other live. knowing someone out there shares your exact issue so you’re really not alone in this is perhaps the greatest comfort in the world. also now its clear how both of them would have turned out had they not met each other and had they not taken in rimbaud’s advice. chuuya in his desire to learn about himself and frustration at not being able to do the same would have perhaps spiralled downward and ended up becoming like verlaine. he is his double here after all. and had dazai not seen chuuya up close being the wonderful person he is, he too would have probably ended up developing a god complex and becoming like fyodor. dazai is there to save chuuya literally from dying a monster and chuuya is there to remind him he too can try and mend his ways and embrace his human side. after all chuuya has so much trust him in! (despite him having questionable methods) for both of them, it starts out as an attempt to be more human, then establishing a fruitful partnership, and finally coming in terms with their feelings to some extent. for dazai, he’s comfortable enough to engage in occasional flirting at this point and for chuuya it’s playing along with dazai’s antics (well with the ones he get 💀 pretty boy has half a functional braincell) and openly showing his concern for him. so really by confirming their feelings what strombringer does is enhance the skk development in a way that Dead Apple doesnt seem like fan service anymore. the fact that dazai would casually flirt or be comfortable with chuuya landing on his crotch 💀 all that isnt as ridiculous as it first seemed because stormbringer lays the groundwork and anticipates all the intimate/flirty skk moments that have happened till now and ig will happen again soon. 

[frattsparty]

My Heart Needed You Part 11

AN: this chapter starts out sweet but was very hard to write, obviously I had in mind her story but writing it was sad and I’ve basically gone back and forth if I should change it - TW below. @lexondeck had the amazing idea to bring our friends of Charming back. I hope you all like this chapter, but please read with caution and I hope this doesn’t offend or hurt anyone.

Warnings: consensual sex, angst, talk of abuse and sexual assault, miscarriage. Under 18 please do not read.

Tag List: @lexondeck @redpoodlern @nessamc @withmyteeth @chibsytelford @thegirlwhowritesfics

With everything that has happened the last few weeks, the drug run gone wrong, Christobal being taken, the hunt for who took him, and having to see the gruesome side of what Nestor does for Migue, your house, deciding to live with Nes until it’s done. Needing a break was an understatement.

Nestor had been so open and honest with you about how he ended up being who he was for Miguel, and you couldn’t help but feel guilty that you haven’t been as equally as honest with him.

You just weren’t sure how to tell him, or if you should tell him everything. You were grateful to have a few days away and miles between the two of you so you could get your thoughts in order. Wendy had called a few weeks ago saying she and Nero were having a small party for Abel’s birthday. Inviting you, Chibs, Hap, and Tig and Venus - but with rules of no club talk and no kuttes.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to drive you?” Nestor snakes his arms around your waist as you zip up your small weekend bag.

You grab his hands, lacing your fingers with his and he places a kiss to your neck. “It’s just a few hours, I’ll be there for 2 days and I’ll come right back.” He hummed in response now leaving a trail of kisses over your neck.

“How long until you leave?” He says as he pulls his hands from yours and moves them under your shirt to rest on your stomach.

“Mmm, probably an hour,” Moving to face him you wrap your arms around his neck and his move to your hips, as the two of you start aimlessly swaying,“Do you have something we need to do before I leave?” Your fingers are tracing lightly on the back and side of his neck.

“I can think of a few things,” he whispers in your ear as his hands make their way to your thighs lifting you into his arms causing you to squeal at the quick movements.

Your lips meet in a desperate kiss, your hands holding him to you. He lays you down, moving quickly to pull your shorts and underwear down while you pull off your shirt and bra, you move to your knees grabbing his belt and pulling him to you. As quickly as you can you are undoing his belt and pants, pushing them down as he pulls his shirt over his head.

He pushes you back and moves over you, lips meeting in a slower, greedy kiss. Your hands are roaming his back, lightly scratching with your nails, as one of his makes its way between your legs, immediately finding your clit. You gasp and let your head fall back.

He kisses from your lips, to your jaw, down your neck and landing on your chest where he bites and sucks leaving marks only the two of you will see, all while he works you with his skilled fingers. You are clinging tightly to his shoulders, “don’t stop, please Nes.”

His hand moves fast as he leaves open mouth kisses to your neck, “cum for me, baby.” With that you are thrown over the edge. Gasping and moaning his name, and your nails dig into his skin.

Before your breathing even settles he moves his body between your legs and pushes himself into you. His moan in your ear has you squeezing him tightly. “You are perfect, Hails.” He moans as he slowly thrust in and out.

While you love slow and gentle Nestor, right now you need more. “Harder Nes,” you gasp out as your hands move to his ass pulling him into you further. He gladly obliges and with one arm wrapped above your head holding you in place, his other hand on your cheek, and his face in your neck he thrusts into you hard and at a punishing pace. In no time you are chanting his name, gasps and grunts filling the room.

His hand that was on your cheek finds its way to your clit, roughly rubbing and circling, and before you can get any words out you clench around him tightly and cum again.

He pulls out of you and between breaths says, “roll over, Hails.” He’s quickly moving to help you and position you how he wants you. So you’re on your  knees, chest and face pushed into a pillow and he quickly enters you again. He grabs your hands, lacing your fingers and he leans fully over you, his body completely covering you, and moves faster chasing his own release causing you to head towards another. You are so sensitive, you need him to cum so you start pushing yourself back to meet his hips. “Cum for me, Nes, I need you to cum for me, please fill me up,” you beg him as you are gasping and moaning, squeezing his hands tightly. After a few more rough thrusts you are both over the edge and Nestor is filling you up.

“Fuck,” he said as he pulls out and rolls over next to you. “Now you should be feeling me everytime you walk while you’re gone.” He flashes a big, cocky grin as you roll your eyes still trying to catch your breath.

“I’m getting a shower, you are not welcome because I need to be fast.” Pecking his lips, “I’m going to be late and you and those hands will make me even later.”

He’s chuckling as you pull yourself from his arms and slowly walk on wobbly legs to the dresser pulling out fresh underwear. As you walk into the bathroom you look over your shoulder and see Nestor in all his glory watching you with a look of love on his face with his hands resting behind his head.

You quickly wash your hair and while you're rinsing the conditioner you are hit with cold air. You open your eyes and see Nestor sneaking in with a guilty but not sorry smile you couldn’t help but giggle at the sight of him. He quickly moved to you and wrapped his arms around your waist, hands resting on your butt.

“I’m going to miss you,” he said softly as you were twirling the ends of his hair with your fingers.

“I’ll miss you too, but I’ll be back first thing Monday.” You assured him, reaching up and leaving a soft kiss to his lips.

He moves his hands up holding the sides of your neck deepening the kiss, and you both stand there under the shower spray holding each other.

The water starts to get cold and you know it’s time to get on the road so you aren’t late. “I have to go, Nes.” Squeezing you tighter he nodded leaving a sweet kiss to your lips. “You get dressed and I’ll get your bags,” he gave you another squeeze.

He gets out of the shower first wrapping a towel low on his waist, and then holds his hands out to help you and quickly wraps you in a towel. Kissing your cheek he heads to the bedroom. Technically this one was his but in the last week you’ve moved fully into it, but you’ll be going to stay at his house until yours is ready. You got the house on the beach,and immediately hired a contractor to make all the updates and changes you want. It should be ready in no time and you couldn’t wait.

You braid your hair in two braids, mirroring Nestor’s daily look, and get dressed. As you headed down the stairs you stopped by to let Miguel know you were leaving and you made sure to give Emily a hug. Letting them both know you could come back early if they needed you.

When you get to the door Nestor is there with a large cold coffee and he had your bags in your car.

“Drive careful, Hails. And let me know when you get there okay?” He says as he gives you a tight hug, you nod wrapping your arms around his waist and resting your chin on his chest.

He grabs your hand and walks you to your car, opening your door for you. But before you get in you turn and take a hold of his face to give him one more kiss. “I love you!”

He smiles, one that met his eyes and always melted your heart. “I love you too. Have fun with your boys!”

***

The drive to Norco has taken a few hours, but it has been smooth and you got there before anyone from Charming. When you pull in you see Wendy and Nero on the porch and the boys swinging in the yard.

As you open your car door you hear the sweetest sound and tears come to your eyes as both boys scream for their aunt Hailey.

They rush to you and you to them, grabbing them both up in a big hug. “I’ve missed you boys so much!” These hugs were exactly what you needed.

You put the boys back down and made your way to Wendy and Nero, giving each a long hug.

“How was your drive?” Nero asked as he let you go.

“Great, I left early so traffic wasn't too bad, a little slow in San Diego but that’s all.”

He grabs your bags from the car and puts them inside for you, and heads back to the boys, while you and Wendy go to the kitchen. “I’m so glad you could come, I’ve missed you.” Wendy says as she gets you a drink.

“Me too, I’ve missed you and those boys, even Nero.” You chuckle.

“How are the boys doing?” You want to make sure they are doing well here. “Anything you need?”

“The first couple of weeks were rough, lots of tears and I guess you could call it anger. But I have Abel in therapy and that has really helped him a lot, Thomas transitioned with no issues.” She looks at you giving a small smile, “we’re doing really well. I couldn’t have done it without you taking care of literally everything.”

You nod. “It was all worth it knowing they are okay and thriving. This is what Jax wanted, for them to have a normal life without all that the club brings.”

Before the conversation went further another vehicle pulled up, and you could hear the boys screaming. You and Wendy gave each other big smiles as you got up and headed out.

“Aye there is our girl!” You heard from Chibs, you practically skipped off the porch and over to him where he immediately engulfed in a hug. “I miss ye darlin.”

“I miss you too!” Next came Happy, the man maybe quiet but when you lived in Charming he quickly became your favorite Son but you wouldn’t tell the others that.

“Hey Hap,” you mumbled as he squeezed you a little too tight.

Then you were lifted off the ground by Tig, “oh I’ve missed you, Hailey girl!”

“I missed you too, Tiggy!” You said as you squeezed his neck.

When he set you down, Venus took over and hugged you tightly. “Oh honey, we’ve truly miss you so much!”

“I’ve miss y’all too!”

Once all of the hugs and greetings were done you texted Nestor letting him know you made it, and then everyone went and sat out in the back deck. The boys played, Nero grilled, and we all chatted. It was such a fun night and Abel had the best time with his aunts and uncles, opening gifts. As the sun went down all the boys were outside running around and the sound of giggles filled the air. You, Wendy and Venus were inside cleaning up the kitchen.

“So, Hailey, how has it been being closer to home?” Venus asks as she starts drying dishes

“Yeah, how has it been? Nero told me that there may be a man in your life.” She turned away from the sink looking at you with a smirk.

“How does he know?!” You ask a little more shocked than you intended.

Chuckling Wendy says, “Marcus called him a few weeks ago and may have mentioned it.”

“It’s a long story, but he’s actually my ex-fiancé. We had always been best friends out while lives, our moms were best friends, and then as we got older we just became…more. By the time we were 17 we were all in. He was everything to me, my first and only, I mean he was it for me. We’re trying to rebuild now and it’s going really well.” You smile.

“So what changed, Hailey, why is he an ex-fiancé? Because you clearly still love him with that look on your face.” Venus points out.

“I’ve loved him my whole life, I can’t remember a time where he wasn’t by my side. He was a SEAL, and I was in law school. We bought a fixer upper house between home and San Diego. Almost every week we went to a beach restaurant and walked the beach after, he would reluctantly go dancing with me.” At that you all giggle. “Just before his last deployment he took me to the beach and proposed, obviously I said yes. He left about a month later, and it was just…” you pause, trying to keep your emotions at bay. “It was just really hard and some things happened while he was gone that I couldn’t tell him about, or anyone really. His brother knew and he helped me but I couldn’t face Nes, so I ran when he got home. That’s how I ended up in Charming, actually” you chuckle, “Gemma figured it all out, she’s one of the only people who ever knew. She read me like a damn book.” Taking a deep breath and wiping the tears from your cheeks you continue. “I hadn’t actually seen him in 5 years since his brother's funeral, and honestly, that didn’t go so well. He said some things out of anger and grief that hurt, so I didn’t go back after that.”

The three of you make your way to the dining room table with the tea Wendy made. “So, how did the reunion happen and go from not speaking to this?” Wendy asked.

“When Jax died and you all moved away I had told my parents that I didn’t know if I wanted to stay in Charming. Doing everything I did for Jax leading up to his death was a lot, and it hurt. I still work for the club and some others, but I just couldn’t be there anymore.”

Your hands are fidgeting with the mug in front of you. “My parents had gone to dinner at the Galindos and told them what was going on. Miguel needed an attorney that was fully on staff with him, and his accountant was subpar. Since I’m qualified for both he made an offer that just felt right, I’ve missed home. So when we got there Miguel and Nestor picked me up, and I just broke down, finally letting out the emotions of the last couple of months. For the first few weeks we kind of avoided each other, things were tense.”

Taking a sip of your tea, they both ask, “then what happened?”

You chuckle at their impatience, “honestly we got in a big fight, he wants answers to why I left and I just can’t tell him. So I stood my ground and he said things he shouldn’t have, it was kind of a blowup.”

“Hailey, why can’t you tell him?” Venus was watching your face, and you could tell she knew that what you were keeping wasn’t something small.

You look up at her, and since the first time you met her you felt safe in her presence. Moving your eyes to the table you whisper, “I feel ashamed, embarrassed, like I failed him.”

“Hails, baby, what happened to you?” Venus is looking at you with a mix of love and concern. “You can tell us.”

You shake your head, “I still haven’t even told Nes. After the fight he agreed that he won’t ask me again, and that when I’m ready he’ll be ready. But the weekend after that fight there was a party for business associates, and Nestor and I just, I don’t know, reconnected. We spent that night together and that’s it.”

“Are you going to tell him?” Wendy asks quietly.

“I can’t,” you look at her sadly. “I just know it will hurt him, and I’m afraid of what he will do.”

“What happened, Hailey?” Venus is now looking at you with a more serious look, “baby, did someone hurt you while he was gone?”

You can’t  look in their eyes, you just nod.

“You can talk to us, Hailey. Clearly whatever it was is still hurting you. Don’t carry this alone.” Wendy grabs your hand, squeezing it trying to encourage you.

Not moving your eyes from the table, “Since I was a teenager, I had worked for Miguel’s dad doing financial stuff. Numbers were easy and my dad was his lawyer, so he trusted me. During law school I would go down once a month or so and meet with him in person. I’ve always been a little afraid of him, I know what he is capable of.” You take in a shaky breath.

“I usually always had Nestor with me or even my dad, but when Nestor deployed my dad was working a big case with his law firm so I had to go alone. A lot was going on with the Galindos then so Jose was…on edge. More ruthless than ever.” You peek up at them and they both give you a reassuring look. “Nestor had been gone for about nine months, and honestly I was struggling. We didn’t talk much, I felt so alone. I was planning a wedding, finishing our house projects, nearing the end of law school. I was so lonely and stressed beyond measure, and I think I kind of let my guard down. So I went to Mexico and Miguel and his mom weren’t there, that should have been a red flag for me. But Devante, Jose’s second in command, pushed for me to come so one of Jose’s men came and picked me up, which was normal so I didn’t question it.”

You pause for a few seconds, taking a drink of your now cold tea. “When I went there I just got a terrible gut feeling. I walked into the house and I could hear Jose losing it in his office. Once I got down there his anger was right on me. The cartel wasn’t doing well, another cartel had come up and they were taking ground, and money.”

You are dreading telling this, but it’s been years since you've gotten to let this out and truly the only other person who you told everything too was Niko.

“Jose grabbed me and he just started screaming at me, saying awful things like how stupid I was, that I was ruining him, I’m a whore, endlessly berating me. I could smell the alcohol on him. While he was screaming he started hitting me, he busted my lip, gave me a black eye, bloodied my nose. When he was done I was covered in bruises, and I learned quickly that he wasn’t done. He shoved me into his desk and he pulled my clothes off…he forced himself on me and at that point I had no fight left in me.” Tears were streaming down your face as you look up, and Venus and Wendy both were wiping tears from their eyes.

“Devante cleaned me up, and the next day he brought me to Jose. And again Jose forced himself on me but this time Devante made sure to threaten me telling me to look like I was enjoying it because he was taking photos. That if I told anyone he would prove I was lying with those and use it as blackmail to control me, and that he would kill my family, and Nes. I believed him because I knew what he did for Jose, and truthfully I would have done anything and agreed to anything in that moment for it to be over so I could go home.” You wipe your nose with your hand and take a deep breath. “Once he was done, Devante told me to call someone to come get me and they just left. I called the one other person besides Nestor who I knew would protect me at all costs, his brother. So he came down and it took everything I had to keep him from doing something stupid. I begged him to just take me back to California.”

“So you never told your parents?” Wendy asked.

Shaking your head, “no, I believed his threat and I knew Niko wouldn’t betray my request to not tell anyone. He took me to his place in San Diego and cleaned me up as best he could. I stayed there until the bruises on my face faded and I felt like I could be at my house alone. Since I didn’t tell anyone, every month I still went to Mexico, I made sure to always have Niko with me so I could come and leave immediately. Before Nestor left I stopped birth control because we wanted a baby when he came home so I just decided to stop it.” The tears are pouring from your eyes now, you can hardly see. “I got pregnant.” You whisper barely loud enough for them to hear. “I took a pregnancy test at the office one day because I panicked, not even thinking that I had to go to Mexico that day alone. The test was in my bag and somehow Jose and Devante found it. Then all hell broke loose. Jose just started hitting me until I was on the ground and he kept kicking me, telling me he was making sure there was no evidence, no proof.”

They both gasp and reach for your hands. “Baby, I’m so sorry.” Venus’ voice broke as she spoke.

“When he was done I got to my car and I just kept driving until I got to Nikos house. He met me at the door and I passed out. By the time he got me to the hospital I lost the baby. I had to actually have a procedure done to basically help it all along because my body was struggling. This was five days before Nestor came back. I couldn’t face him, I felt so terrible, so dirty.”

“Did Niko know you were leaving?” Venus asked as she rubbed the back of my hand.

“He did, when I told Nestor I was leaving I went right to Nikos house and he helped me move to Charming.”

“Had you not talked to Nestor during any of this?”

“Not much, it was the least we talked during any deployment, so I was already having a really hard time and then with everything else I was a shell of myself. I think Niko could see how hurt I was from not hearing from Nestor, and he was mad at him for shutting me out. That’s why he was so willing to help me leave I think. Before Nes came home I packed my stuff, and when he got to the house I gave him my key and ring and I left.”

“Hailey, how have you carried this? And you still haven’t told your parents? Or Nestor? Did Jax know?” Wendy got out between sniffles.

“Gemma and Niko knew the most, Jax knew pieces, but that’s it. Nestor knows I was hurt he figured that out in our fight, but he wants to know everything I just can’t tell him. I can’t lose him when he knows the truth.” Your tears are back at the thought of not having him.

“But Hailey, he deserves the truth. He clearly loves you, neither of you moved on with another relationship in all those years, and clearly keeping this inside is hurting you. Don’t let what Jose did ruin your future. Because baby, when you let the past dictate the now and the future, you only ever get to live in the past.” Venus told you as she stood up and envelopes you in a motherly hug.`Thank you for trusting us with this.”

“We are always going to be your family, Hailey. We’re here anytime you need us.” Wendy said as she joins the embrace. As you were all pulling yourselves together the boys came barreling in and Wendy sent them straight to the bath, while you got yourself ready for movies on the couch which was a request of both boys.

You all piled in the living room, Abel was on your right side tucked under your arm holding your hand tightly, while Thomas climbed right in your lap. The three of you cuddled up and before too long were all asleep. What you didn’t know was that Nero snapped a picture of the three of you, and sent it to Marcus who happened to be with Miguel and Nestor.

Seeing you cuddling with your boys made Nestor’s pulse quicken, and let him imagine coming home to that view. Miguel gave his friend a knowing look, a smile on both of their faces. “You’ve gotten a second chance brother, take advantage of it.”

“I plan on it, Mikey.” Nestor said confidently.

He couldn’t wait for you to be home tomorrow night and moving back into the house even if it was just until your new house was ready.

[thefreakishmuffin]

The Owl House season 2 analysis: Eda and the Owlbeast

(May not have as many screenshots in this one, so I apologize in advance for the long walls of text. I’m getting the pics I can from google).

Alright everybody, strap in, because this is gonna be a pretty long read, as this is the part of the episode that hit me the hardest. And I mean that in the absolute best way possible. But son of a gun, just when I think The Owl House can’t depict the struggles of mental illness and trauma any better, they top that bar and go above and beyond. Dana Terrace and the rest of the crew, you’re doing amazing!

So let’s start off with Eda. After losing Raine and getting an inside view from them about the Emperor’s plan for the Day of Unity, Eda has started to work herself to the brink of exhaustion, feeling like she has to protect those around her. In an attempt to help Eda relax and get some sleep, Hooty makes her cookies spiked with sleeping nettles, which apparently gives you heightened and eerily vivid dreams. And here is where we get to what I feel is the most intense part of the entire episode.

Part of the reason Eda’s been avoiding sleep is so that she won’t have to come face to face with the Owlbeast again. But now, she decides to confront the Owlbeast herself. She states that the Owlbeast is the reason she ran away from home, and the reason she never got close to anyone. She decides that now’s the time that she’s gonna be the one to haunt the beast that has always haunted her. She seems very vengeful here, with a kind of rage in her eyes.

However, when she’s about to head down the hall, the dream transitions Eda back to her old room from when she was young, and finds herself transformed into her teenage self as well. We see here that she’s at home with her family, and it’s here that we see her father for the first time. It’s here that she runs up and hugs her father. This shows that she does indeed love her father very much, and has been missing him all this time. Her father even calls her by the cute nickname of ‘pumpkin’. This shows that the two of them have - or at least have had - a loving father-daughter relationship.

Unfortunately, things start to go south when Eda’s father, who we learn is named Dell, pulls out a little party favor for his kids before heading out to the Mandible. The sudden loud noise appears to scare the Owlbeast inside of Eda, triggering her to go into her Owlbeast form. This causes the Owlbeast - which I interpret as Eda herself, as she is reliving traumatic flashbacks - to attack her father causing severe damage to his right eye.

Now this could be very well be why Eda was so uncomfortable when Lilith spoke of reconnecting with their father. Eda feels terrible about what happened, and is nervous about seeing their father again after the incident. She is burdened with guilt for what happened. However, she tries to tell herself that it wasn’t her fault, but rather the fault of the Owlbeast inside of her. 

The dream transitions to another scene later in her life, about her mid-twenties, where she was dating Raine. But this isn’t a happy memory, as here Raine accuses Eda of lying to them about her curse, and how they feel as if they don’t know her anymore. It’s here that Raine admits to Eda that they are joining the Bard Coven, and that they are breaking up. The emotional devastation of this moment activates Eda’s curse. Raine asks Eda if she’s okay, to which Eda pushes Raine away and states that she’s okay. Raine, unable to help despite still loving Eda, takes their leave, knowing that Eda will never let them really help her. Present day Eda pleads with her past self to let Raine help them, to which her past self insists that everything is fine and that she’s okay.

This, to me at least, is a very big metaphor for mental illness, and how it can push those you love away simply by refusing their help. Eda, not wanting to hurt or burden anyone with her problems, constantly tells everyone she’s fine. By not letting others help her, she’s hurting herself in the process. And in turn is pushing away those who genuinely want to help her, but they don’t know what to do if she won't tell the what’s going on. The Owlbeast is making it a point for force Eda to relive some of the moments of her life where the Owlbeast curse affected her relationships with others the most. 

Eda then attacks the Owlbeast when it shows up again, repeatedly blaming the creature for ruining her life and making her miserable. But then Eda turns into her Owlbeast form herself, and is ensnared by a mysterious figure in a cloak decorated with celestial patterns, and where its face should be is dark with a crescent moon - or perhaps an eclipse. The figure then states, “Don’t bother beast, you can’t run away anymore. It’s over.” With a menacing laugh.

I’ll be honest, I don’t know totally what to make of this being. But I assume it has something to do with the Day of Unity, given all the celestial bodies and eclipse symbolism that the two have in common. Is this perhaps the being that created the spell that cursed Eda? Does this mean that this curse will play a vital role in the Day of Unity? I honestly don’t know. I’m kinda stuck on this one. This scene felt very ambiguous to me.

Eda takes off in flight, only to fall into the sea with her figure becoming the scroll that possessed the spell that cursed her in the first place. the scroll gets picked up by a passerby, and is presumably taken to the night market. We then have a sad Eda sitting on the banks of an ocean, with the smaller version of the Owlbeast trying to get away from her. But there is a red string connecting them. This could be the ‘red string of fate’. It originates in Chinese folklore, but the idea is that the string connects two destined soulmates. Now, I don’t think the Owlbeast is a soulmate to Eda, but this does sow that the two of them are definitely tied together. 

And it’s here that it finally hits Eda; just as she is haunted by the Owlbeast, the Owlbeast is haunted by her as well. She now tries to show kindness to the shrunken Owlbeast as it climbs up onto the shore, exhausted from trying to be free from her. And then one of Eda’s potions washes up on shore. And Eda does something amazing here. She accepts the reality that the two of them are stuck together, regardless of whether they like or not. And that the potion is the only reason the two of them can see each other and communicate face to face. Eda then says, “If we can’t learn to accept each other, this nightmare will never end.”

Eda asks for a temporary truce, to which the Owlbeast agrees by drinking some of the potion from Eda’s hand and resting on her lap, seemingly in a moment of peace. the sky changes color to a beautiful, rainbow-like scene, to which Eda states, “I’ve never had a dream this pretty.” And then she finally wakes up.

This whole scene was symbolic of someone accepting a mental illness. A piece of themselves that they resent and wish they could live without. As someone who suffers from a few mental illnesses myself, this part of the episode really spoke to me. Eda is accepting the reality of her curse, but is doing her best to try and not to resent it, now accepting that it’s a part of her. And I think she’s even coming to the understanding here that, even though the Owlbeast has blame for pushing Eda’s loved ones away, she shares just as much blame as well for never allowing those she loved to help her.

This particular part of the episode highlights just how important it is to allow others to help you when you are suffering. You are not a burden to someone who unconditionally loves you and is willing to do everything in their power to help you, no matter what. Just earlier she was saying that she needs to protect those she loves the most from the Emperor’s plans. Now that Eda is once again surrounded by people who love her, she is no longer going to try and push them away. But instead, she’s decided she’s going to protect them no matter what.

Eda wakes up from her dream to find that she can now transform into a new form she has complete control over. One that we’ll call her Harpy form from now on. This, I believe, is now a version of her Owlbeast form that she can control. This can even be a metaphor for someone fully accepting themselves with their mental illness and, in a way, “transforming” themselves into their best self.

[ow7]

FARAWAY MANILA

ofttimes, the indifference is there. however, at several waking hours, my words walk on eggshells and then some. it is hard to say we don't count numbers here, because my voice cracks when i try to really say something. i was once near, and then faraway. sometimes, the distinct definitions of these two different words are unclear: i was near, but a little too far from getting a low-priced milkshake; faraway, but a little too near to having an exploding head syndrome.

later in life, i would realize that noise had always been there, scattered throughout political, climatic, road, and all sorts of maps; and i would finally accept its beauty, even the most awful part of it. at which point, things would at last be fair, and i would no longer be pressed for anchoring distorted signals this crumbling world could bring.

when i think of our former house, it evokes the times when i could hear the echoes of my own footsteps, mud-caked on a black and red carpet whose style was so much more of a quirky royal than plain. clearly, it would never match the once we had in our other previous houses.

yes, i had been to so many places, but my presence was most felt on this side of that faraway. one day, the self might just refer to this as the smallest chunk of my whole essence, but i hope i could convince her that i was there, and i knew this for sure because i could see.

i could see the slow-mo flight of my father's ceramic plates that broke into small pieces of tossed coins, landing back and forth on that sham expensive flooring. this scene would replay for at least a couple of times. the clinking sounds would echo inside my brain over and over until a singular pattern was made. the coins, on the other hand, would later be picked one by one so they could be traded for chocolate peanut clusters, or quite simply sympathy. which, i was not so sure would ever be enough.

i could feel the pleasant minuscule frequencies of silence every time i was left alone in that house. once, i dreamt of being attacked by hundreds of wooly caterpillars, breaking loose from small glass vessels. so early, they grew their wings although they had not gone through the orthodox metamorphosis, at least the ones i knew. how incredibly ugly it was to succumb in restlessness, and never have time for change.

i woke up, and i felt the itch on the lower layers of my skin, buried deep into the flesh like needles, except these needles were assembled and hungry for blood. i thought i could tell my parents about it so they could fight them off, but no one was there. yet, the birds i would never know the names of were there, sitting on that tree whose few branches spied on my windows. they would talk slowly so as to tell me that dreams might be real sometimes, but this time, they were not.

the message is still clear: the instantaneous little gifts of being clueless and vulnerable and open are most received when distances—both the long and the short ones—are perceived in the way that you lay your fingers on dirt and carpet and broken plates and candies and traffic and dreams; and you feel like you are some child of the moon or of any other gigantic creation for it.

you get stuck in an aspect of one whole transition for an unknowable amount of time, and you most probably find pleasure in complaining, and that's okay. it is much easier to complain than to think that we live inside a video game where suffering might be unjustifiable, might be pointless. it is easier to rely everything on a talisman and then blame it when something does not turn out so well. this is all because you can never control gravity, even any of the classical elements of this harmonious universe.

you are innocent. it does not make you immaculate. it does not make you dirty either. it just makes you who you really should be. you cannot control everything, but at least you can get mad and happy and sad and even indifferent sometimes.

you are both near and far,

and it won't matter whether

you are oblivious to it or not

because everything will be okay.

art by jyoucyo on twitter

[obscurecharactershowdown]

Group E Round 1

[image ID: the first image is a pencil drawing of Monmouth, made by the submitter. Monmouth is a man with short hair, wearing a cloak with a clasp against his neck. behind him is a tree branch with leaves. the second image is of Goo, a blue blob with a 2 little black eyes and a half smile. end ID]

Monmouth

a young wizard in the service of the villain, the witch Nimiane of Endor, who defects to the side of the heroes in the second book. Monmouth is a pauper son and green man (seventh child born with nature-based magic) and had to hide his talents among the wizards who raised him. biggest claim to fame is transforming an entire slave ship into a floating aspen grove in order to free the captives. also, he has a knife

Goo

okay so goo . goo is like the silliest little goofball ive seen on a web series . he dances with PINECONES and makes and says weird wacky analogies and keeps all of them in little notebook for later use and also made a 3-5 hour film for his best friend bot after they said they wanted a new identity BUT he single-handedly spent like 30mil dollars or something for that but it’s okay hes trying his best !!!!! also he did NOT deserve to be voted out for that i really hope goo and bot reunite btw because they didnt get to talk much right before goo’s elimination and not ONLY that but literally goo got eliminated BEFORE he got to see bot’s transition he doesn’t even know that their name is bot he still thinks its tbd (…like literally. he still thinks their name is literally “tbd” because they said their name was tbd. yeah he’s kinda dumb like that but it’s okay i love him for it/p) as far as i know anyways their silly little meaningful conversation before his elimination that made me cry "yeah,, i liked it !! but.. it was,,. a lot :[ listen goo,, i-i dont need this new identity to be such a big grand spectacle , i just want you to treat me like. llike me . with all the uncertainty lately, it helps everything feel just a bit more,, normal , yknow .?" “oh,, ohfor sure ,! i get it !! it’s like,, you just wanted a slice of cake, and i went and gave you the whole bakery ,:D !!” “hehe, yyup, nailed it !! ,:)” UWAHHHHHHH😭/LH/POS and also he’s apart of an alliance with his bestie called the cheer factory !!!! and they focus on cheering people up and theysure as hell do well at it !!!!! they cheered up clover and the floor ithink yes the floor is a character ssshshshshhsshh / and goo literally lost one of the challengesbecause he laughed at the floor’s joke in order to cheer him up AND HE DID NOT CARE he was just glad he got to cheer somebody up !!!!! “another satisfied customer at the,, CHEER FACTORY !!! :D” LITERALLY HE WAS SO HAPPY and also when goo and bot were separated into two seperate teams goo is IMMEDIATELY sad when he notices bot isnt with him “sigh… i guess the cheer factory has become the.., cheer llc. :[“ I FELT SO BAD FOR THE BOTH OF THEM / but ahemem anyways goo is a silly little goober and that’s why he should be in this competition !!!🎉🎉 also a few extra bonus facts about him (sorry not sorry/lh/silly) 1 . he doesnt have limbs but like he also doesnt write with his mouth . his voice actor said he dances on top of the paper until it leaves a smudge 2 . did i mention he dances with pinecones/silly 3 . he likes fudge sundaes 🎉🎉 4 . his voice actor has made him diss subway before due to a request on one of his livestreams ( “lalalalala- SUBWAY⁉️eat fresh my butt‼️>:[[” ) 5 . hes blue

[backhurtyy]

Now onto revenge of the sith. THIS is the Anakin I know with the long hair and everything. The infamous “kill him. Do it” line. Also I think the disconnect for me on why this is supposedly such a big thing is that. The Jedi kill people all the time esp aliens? Why should him killing a Sith Lord which are so ~dangerous and evil~ be any different? Also it’s that guy from clone wars the evil robot guy? Idk his name yet. OH general grievous of course, how is he coughing when he’s a robot? Anyway. Also I asked my dad if he knew who Ashoka is and he goes “I Ashoka my dishes in the sink” and I THOUGHT he was gonna make a dick joke and it almost killed me. Are we not supposed to know Palpatine is the other sith at this point? He’s way too recognizable in voice and what we see under the cloak for anyone not to know who he is immediately but they’re really pushing the secret identity thing it seems lol. I love Anakin but he is so many red flags wrapped up in one in general and with Padme especially he’s just. I used to love him a lot but now I’m like mmm he says words. Obi Wan mentioned Cody! Its that guy! Idk what that means but it’s that guy! The “hello there” “general kenobi” part happened but Grievous doesn’t pull out all four sabers until a little later I feel lied to. “Are you going to kill me” “I would certainly like to” I love this Tik tok audio. Also palpatine is the Sith Lord, who would’ve guessed that’s crazy. Also all of this bc Anakin wants to save Padme. She’s like I can just… get an abortion it’s no big deal and he’s like no! I will simply become evil there is no other way! Palp told Anakin to kill everyone and he’s walking down the hallway in like full dark attire and all I can think is “oh ani what have you gotten yourself into.” Also I realized at some point, Padme was definitely an awakening of some kind for me as a kid she’s just so pretty. Order 66 they said the thing, that’s not good. I forgot Anakin kills all those kids, god that’s. That’s bad. Obi Wan doesn’t want to kill him he’s convincing Yoda he can’t, this is breaking my heart. Not the shot of Anakin crying after killing everyone NELLIE this is so fucking sad. I used to quote the end of this movie all the time as a kid cause I thought it was FUNNY and NOW look at me I wanna cry. And to think, Anakin does get to kill Obi Wan in like episode 4. God this whole thing is killing me, Anakin is just so angry and Obi Wan just wants to help he’s so sad. The transitions between Padme giving birth and Anakin being operated on, damn. Vader’s theme softly playing as Anakin taking his first breath in the suit, ugh. Padme saying there’s good in him in her last breath, him immediately asking for her when he gets up. Padme and all the flowers in her hair in her casket, still with a baby bump I’m gonna lose it I cannot take this. I always loved that shot of her too idk why. This movie was my favorite one when I was a kid and now I see why I think it still is it’s just. Fuck man. The Whole Time I’m like ani please just talk to anyone about this have A conversation, someone will help and he just doesn’t 😩 - 🤍

‘DEWIT 😈😈😈’ yeah okay palpers let’s get you to bed

i think the difference is the context in which anakin kills dooku? like yeah the jedi kill people but typically only when there’s no other option (i.e, civilians are being endangered and the only way to save them is to take out the bad guy) or like. when obi wan is fighting maul in phantom menace and it’s the only way he can stop him and try to save naboo. but anakin has an unarmed man in front of him— yes, he’s a sith lord, but he’s still unarmed and taking him in as a prisoner would likely have ended the war had palpatine not been pulling strings— and also kills him from a place of rage, anger, frustration, and desire to end the war, with the urging of palpatine, who is technically a civilian. it’s not a way to protect anyone. it’s done purely for selfish reasons. or at least, that’s my understanding of it, i’m sure others have explained it better!!!

as for grievous he’s a cyborg so i think he used to be human or like some alien species, but something happened to him and his lungs and stuff were put into the metal body??? i did not fact check that so i could be wrong but i’m pretty sure that’s what happened to him lmao

it’s dumb for them to expect us to not know who palpatine is because like. the original trilogy established it was emperor palpatine??? so idk why they push it so hard. probably dramatic irony or something lmao

ladies if his name is anakin skywalker… 🚩🚩🚩

CODY MY MOST BELOVED I MISS HIM EVERYDAY!!!!! the biggest crime of this century was them not including more of cody in anything because he’s. the best. and idk if you’ve started watching clone wars yet but. if you haven’t you’ll get to see him a bit more!!! he’s obi wan’s husband commander and they have some awesome moments together 💖

anakin makes me so sad because. he loves so hard and so fiercely. and it brings the galaxy to its knees. like that quote that’s like ‘i love you to the point of ruin’ (is that real or did i make that up???) is just. that’s him. thats anakin skywalker. and it’s worse too because that love is only a bad thing because of palpatine!!! because palpatine abuses it and turns it into fear and preys on it and— like if palpers hadn’t been there he would have been the best brother to ahsoka and obi wan, the best husband, the best father, the best jedi…. GOD. IN TEARS.

bestie if the movie makes you sad you have GOT to read the revenge of the sith novelization by matthew stover because. that shit ruins my life daily. it is so fucking sad. i’m so— ani. obi. best friends and brothers who love each other even at the end.

[petri808]

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10

Inukag AU

“Ready to go, dear?” Mrs. Higurashi asked her daughter as the young woman looked around the room one last time.

Inuyasha watched carefully, noting the hints of nervous energy flowing from Kagome as she nodded, seemingly going along with leaving the hospital. She was finally discharged, and one would think it would be a happy moment, but based on those subtle changes, he suspected otherwise. Inuyasha didn’t want to alarm anyone, so he dutifully followed behind, carrying Kagome’s small suitcase. He could ask her later in private.

The entourage that joined in were, he, Miroku, and Sango trailing Mrs. Higurashi and Kagome in separate vehicles back to the Higurashi residence. They’d left the decision up to Kagome as to where she wanted to go, and she’d picked her childhood home. Inuyasha couldn’t say he was happy about it, but it was understandable under the circumstances. It would be too weird for her to go to their home so soon when he was still really just a stranger in her eyes. So, to make the transition as painless as possible, they’d brought all the things Kagome would need and placed them in her old bedroom. Sango helped to gather and pack all the clothes, toiletries, and any other items she was sure a young woman would want to have. While he and Miroku did the heavy lifting and transporting of the boxes. It was… painful for Inuyasha. To see their shared bedroom barren of half its contents as if they’d broken up for good. The room was cold enough, and the emptiness now exacerbated. Tonight, would surely be the hardest-to-date to go home.

But alas, Inuyasha knew he couldn’t let this pain consume him. He was making great strides in endearing himself to Kagome again, so to risk it all by letting emotions ruin it, would be the stupidest thing in the world. Three and a half months of the loss of Kagome’s presence already felt like a lifetime of heartache he wouldn’t wish upon his worst enemy. Well, except for the one who helped to put him in this mess. But it wasn’t fair to blame it all on his ex. He was a big boy. The burden was just as much if not more on his shoulders. So, Inuyasha chose to use that acknowledgment to motivate him and not let the pain drag him down. This was a second chance at a redemption he was lucky enough to be granted. Though it was extremely awkward at times. Kagome’s personality was fully intact and still very much the sweet, yet feisty brunette that had stolen his heart. Dealing with everything really brought back all those feelings one gets when starting a new relationship. Excitement and dread to not do or say the wrong thing or make a bad impression. He wasn’t in the same depressed and angry mental space as when they’d originally met, but the anxiety was definitely back full force.

Once they were all settled at the Higurashi home, Mrs. Higurashi and Sango went off to the kitchen to prepare a dinner for everyone. Miroku stayed in the living room tending to the twins, which left Inuyasha alone with Kagome. With her consent, they were in her bedroom, he helping her to carry and move boxes, or put away items to make it feel like home again.

“Is it weird,” Kagome questioned as they puttered around the room. “Being in here for you?”

“A little,” Inuyasha answered honestly. “I’m comfortable in here after all these years, but it’s different now.”

The woman nodded her head quietly, clearly in the throes of her own thoughts. “My mom mentioned you stayed for a short time in here… after the accident.”

Inuyasha stopped moving and turned to Kagome. “I did. I hope that wasn’t a problem.”

Again, Kagome shook her head without a verbal response. “It’s just— strange, even for me to be here.” She continued after a long, exhaling pause. “My last memory is of the college dorms, so to move straight back here is weird too.” She sat down on her bed. “I… feel like I’m not supposed to be here.”

He moved closer, sitting on the bed too, but leaving an arms-length between them. “Stop me if it’s too uncomfortable, but… I couldn’t help but notice you seemed sad or nervous back at the hospital. I didn’t wanna say anything with everyone around, but… if you wanna talk, you know I’m here for you, right?”

Kagome slowly nodded. “You’re right, Inuyasha. I was nervous about leaving. Not because I wanted to stay, just nervous about what to expect once I did leave. I’ve been trying so hard to process everything going on and to stay positive, but it’s not always easy.”

Inuyasha could feel a verge of tears building in the woman’s eyes and it sent a pang to his heart. He hated seeing her have to go through all this. Hated himself for having caused all of this. It brought a wave of his own tears to the forefront. “I’m so, so sorry Kagome,” his head and ears drooping. “But I promise to help you through this. Even if at the end we part ways, I just wanna make sure you get through this.”

“I know,” she smiled weakly. “I believe you, and you don’t have to keep apologizing Inuyasha. You didn’t intend for any of this to happen.”

He made a bold move and reached out, placing his hand over hers. “Could you tell me, what is scaring you the most right now?”

Kagome paused. “Mmm, it’s the not recognizing things. I’m sure there’s been changes during the time I can’t remember. What if I don’t recognize places around town and get lost? What new technologies have popped up? There’s just all these unknowns— and it kind of scares me a little. It feels… like I’m all alone even though I’m not alone. Does that make sense?”

“I think… I understand. Everyone around you knows what’s going on but you don’t, so it makes you feel alone?”

Kagome snapped to attention with excitement. “Yes! That’s exactly it!”

With no chance to process the elation, Inuyasha found himself being hugged by the woman so tightly, he could do nothing but melt from the contact. His arms wrapped around her to return the gesture, pushing all the calming energy could into Kagome that he could. It felt… breathtaking to be in her arms again and he couldn’t stop himself from burying his face into her hair, smelling the strawberry scented shampoo he’d grown to love on her.

When Kagome finally pulled away, a few happy tears trickled down Inuyasha’s face. Concerned, she reached out to his cheek and wiped them away. “I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“No, no,” his hand covered the one resting on his cheek as he smiled weakly, struggling to hold back the dam. “I’m sorry for crying, it just… I just,” a few more tears rolled down. “I missed you so much Kagome. I-I know this is much harder on you, but Kami I just miss you so, so much.” That was it, Inuyasha couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. “It hurts to not come home to you. I swear I’m gonna insane sometimes wishing I could go back in time, so the fight and accident never happened. When you hugged me, it just felt so comforting, that…” his words choked, and all he could do to stop from rambling was let out a long sigh.

Kagome smiled and smoothed her thumb against his skin, “it’s okay to let it out, Inuyasha. I get it. This is hard on both of us. I’ll admit it’s a little surprising to me too how natural it feels to be here with you.”

“You’ve always been the better person,” Inuyasha mumbled out. “The one who could always make things better. Me, I’m just winging it.”

“I think you’re doing just fine,” she smiled. “One step at a time, right?” Kagome cupped both his cheeks. “Like you said, we’ll get through this. I have faith we will.”

Inuyasha nodded quietly, sniffling the last remnants away. “I really don’t deserve you Kagome.”

“Hush. I saw something special in you once, and based on what I’m seeing now, I was right. Do you really think I’d have given you the time of day if I didn’t think you deserved my attention?”

“No…”

“Exactly.”

That made Inuyasha snort a laugh. “Kami. This is why I fell so hard for you. You were never too afraid to call me out on my bullshit!”

Now it was Kagome’s turn to blush. “Thanks… I guess?”

Inuyasha smiled and chuckled. “I’m glad we could talk to each other like this again.”

“Me too,” Kagome smiled.

After that night, every night, Inuyasha called Kagome after dinner to see how her day went and to tell her, “sweet dreams.” During the first few calls, there were more silent moments than talking moments despite their breakthroughs, but it was improving. They’d play games like 20 questions to spark a conversation, which often did the trick, or if in a particularly good mood, a mild form of truth or dare. It was a great way for Kagome to ask anything she wanted to of Inuyasha and no matter how tough the subject matter was, he’d answer them truthfully. She was having to learn about him all over again, so he did his best not to get upset if Kagome didn’t know something as mundane as his favorite brand of chips, or what his favorite color was. Sometimes he was tempted to test her memory to see if telling a falsehood would gain a pause, but in the end thought against it. He couldn’t risk upsetting her, even if it was meant as a tease.

As he sat on the Higurashi’s couch next to Kagome fidgeting with his fingers, the nervous energy was obvious from both sides. Inuyasha pressed forward despite the butterflies in his stomach threatening to unfurl his breakfast.

“No really, you tell me what you’d like to do?” Even though Inuyasha knew a lot about Kagome, he didn’t want to behave as if he did.

“But you’re the one asking me out on a date. Shouldn’t you have something planned in advance?” Kagome retorted in exasperation of the ridiculous back and forth going nowhere.

“I figured it would be nicer if you chose.”

“Oh.” Kagome paused. “I guess I assumed since you know me already, you’d just pick a place I like.”

“I mean, I could, but I didn’t think that would be very fair.”

“Inuyasha, it’s okay. I promise. I accepted the fact you know a lot about me, so something as simple as dinner or a date, it’s okay to choose.”

“Sorry, I just didn’t wanna do anything that makes you uncomfortable.”

Kagome smiled and took his hand. “And I appreciate it, really I do. But could we just pick somewhere already? I’m starving!”

Inuyasha chuckled, his frayed nerves dwindling away. “Yes, m’lady. There’s a new sushi place that I think you’ll like…”

On his days off, they went out together on dates, sometimes him choosing the location, sometimes her. Since she couldn’t remember the last 5 or so years, there were several changes around town that were new to Kagome. Initially, she’d worried before leaving the hospital about how she’d feel about all the changes, but those concerns had melted away, and her excitement often became infectious for Inuyasha. She’d drag him around to see the sights, almost wanting him to show her all the changes. He rarely went out, so there was a lot for him to learn too. Baby steps were the name of the game. Simple dates, no touching yet, not even hand holding, letting Kagome guide the pace. Inuyasha also found their times together becoming more exciting to him. Over time, all relationships tend to find a groove where one feels comfortable, settled. Not that there’s no excitement anymore, but it’s just not the same as the rush of a brand new relationship with all the what if’s, the embarrassing moments, and heart racing unknowns.

No matter how many dates they’d gone on so far, each time Inuyasha pulled up to the Higurashi home, the same flutter of energy pulsed inside of him as if his inner demon just couldn’t wait to see its chosen mate again. Inuyasha was still nervous about the future, but so far things were going great between he and Kagome. Who would have thought such a horrible circumstance could lead to this kind of exhilaration? Because he swore… he was falling in love all over again.