#it just feels wild we might get some vague idea our little tumblr world extends

[sadaveniren]

You know what. I realized these polls are gonna be a great way to get a roll call for our fandom.

[emmalenalouisaellis]

Dear Diary ~ Reflecting on  Personal and Public Scribbles

“I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.” ― Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest

I preface this by saying this is not a complaint against computers. I have one, and for much of my adult life, I have worked on a computer. 

Typing is faster, smoother, and even though it's not foolproof, it has some form of spell-check. Or, since Word isn't always a comprehensive lexicon - something that can be found in a Google search or too - it is much easier to look through than an extensive, cumbersome dictionary.  Simply put, having a laptop is the ideal solution for a dyslexic writer like myself who has to sometimes wade through dozens of notebooks and character sheets, plot points and extended drafts to ensure that I can bash out something vaguely resembling a novel.

But, ever since I was a little girl, I have always looked forward to Christmas time. Because amongst the assortment of brightly and delicately wrapped gifts, I find myself with a brand new and unmarked diary. Every time, I feel the crisp, clean pages on my fingers, the soft, secure spine, where the neatly cut ribbon falls in matching or contrasting colours. I take up my favourite pen and write my name, neatly as I can on the front page. This, more than any other present, belongs to me. It will become my secret, my confidant, in a way that still charms me. A perfectly imperfect, personal collection of handwritten scribbles. A permanent memento of me that will still exist despite the ever-growing digital age.

And with the pandemic showing it isn't "over yet",  One might think that even here, as I write my thoughts over the internet, such things are archaic and cumbersome. Because as time goes on, more and more of us are clustering around screens to stay connected with loved ones or work colleagues - the world' Zoom'ing by as we are encouraged to remain apart, at home and sensible.

But to me, there still needs to be a balance. We can choose to broadcast everything - some of us do: posting publically to our friends we've met online and face to face through the years - using social media.

As one of my public faces, even my Tumblr has been meticulously polished, written and rewritten in a bid to be 'likeable' or 'relatable'.  This is partly because I love receiving comments and recommendations here, and seeing someone gave it a note makes me feel like my words are validated.  (For all those that do - old and new: Thank you).

The whole thing is very much a viewing platform and snapshots I feel noteworthy and vital enough to broadcast in many ways. It’s the sitcom of my life and that of others, and all of it plays out from the comfort of our own homes to keep others from worry and concern, all whilst sparking general curiosity. Talking points.

Ida Lupino (c. 1952). Courtesy Film Forum via Photofest

Whereas, in contrast, writing a diary feels more individual. Here I can rant and cry or smile and sigh without judgement and filters, simply recording my own reflections on the page without an audience. And there is something so aesthetically pleasing about it that you can't get from a typed out document. Sometimes there is blood from papercuts, ink splatters where I scribbled too fast, dried tears and smudges from my hand - but all of it is raw, personal and mine.

As someone with learning disabilities, I find it difficult sometimes to open up to others. But my diary is somewhere just for me, and very often, the words flow.

A diary is a beautiful expression of self-love, sometimes loathing by me and for me.

If we choose to share it, it reflects trust and openness, which I suppose is why there are so many cliché moments in teen dramas of girls feeling violated when they have their diary snatched and read by their peers.

But that’s the problem and the wonderful appeal of books: they can quickly transport us to another world.

When I was younger, I was by chance glancing over my Granny’s bookshelves when I found what would become one of my favourite books ‘The Country Diary of an Edwardian Lady'  by Edith Holden. 

Since its first publication in 1906, the book has charmed many with its beautiful drawings of wild and garden flowers and a hint of charming recordings and recolections in words and paintings the flora and fauna of the British countryside in the four beautiful seasons. 

Much like her work - little stories and poems in my own diaries. I fill them with recipes, pressed flowers, autumn leaves and ticket stubs or add poems I’ve also fallen in love with when writer’s block strikes.

When I can, I love to write in fountain pen with flowing blue or green ink, or make more occasional, frantic scribbles in pencil. In contrast to my organised, documents and manuscripts, I am confident there are many spelling mistakes littering the pages. But that’s part of the charm. 

And the internet can often help enhance these futher. You only have to go on Pinterest to find beautiful pictures to print out or post in virtual corkboards and scrapbooks. Thanks to the interconnected world wide web, there are plenty of poems I can search for and add into my diaries to compliment my own ideas.  For example on the blog by Bella’s Rose Cottage I came across this beautiful little poem:

“The kind of flowers,

I find to be the workhorse of my cottage garden…

the self seeders,

who behave a bit naughty…

the sort of flowers that give the garden

that lived in look,

like the magic of finding a secret garden,

wild around the edges…

flowers to press in the pages of a book,

to remind you of a lazy summers day…

tucked into a little nook to sip quietly…

watch the puppies frolic…

a day to maybe,

use long seedpods of the Toadflax,

as a book mark…

and enjoy a nap…..”

- Bella Rogers

It was so pretty, that it helped inspire me to write this post. Spring is now upon us and with it a chance to reflect and enjoy new beginnings - and opportunities.  It’s nearly the weekend and now with renewed inspiration, the words are once more flowing freely from my fingers as the creative itch begins as always with those magical words:

'Dear Diary,'

I wonder what I shall write about today…

 Have a beautiful day 

x Emmalena