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#it isnt worth it. bc actually it has caused rifts and missunderstandings in multiple connections i've had online...
bunnihearted
·
2 months
Text
ཻ۪۪♡.
#i want to learn how to vent healthily
#bc i have this incessant pathological need to like share every thought i have
#and if i dont i get this restless uneasy feeling in my chest and i get restless and worried and like wtf?
#whats wrong w me? maybe it has smth to do w that during my entire life i have never been listened to or been helped
#like during my life i've asked for help repeatedly but when i have i've only been dismissed or not believed etc etc
#so maybe that translated into my head to just feel the need to share it in a public space.....
#bc i used to write rverything in a diary but i filled them too quickly and i cant afford the money or space to do that
#so i started using twitter and now tumblr... but that has only resulted in me like feeding into it?
#it's not healthy to feel the need to share EVERY thought or else u feel crazy. i also shouldnt focus or dwell on thoughts sm
#i do have issues bc of my disorders and anxiety. plus avpd in swedish is literally called 'anxious personality disorder' 💀
#so it is in me to be anxious and worried and neurotic
#but still i want to learn how to not be fixated on thoughts and feelings (also a challenge bc bpd makes feelings feel all consuming)
#if i think smth - that also can be totally untrue and only based on my worries -
#i can just think it and let it go. idk have to dwell on it and obsess over it. (im trying mindfulness for years lol)
#bc most of my venting is like me getting stuck in feelings and idk why i feel the need to express it constantly?
#it isnt worth it. bc actually it has caused rifts and missunderstandings in multiple connections i've had online...
#i do feel like venting isnt smth bad.. and i think emotions are PERSONAL and like completely unrelated to truth and other ppl
#but i get it.. esp when u only know eo online and dont know everything going on in eo's heads
#then u only get that as a full image when it isnt the whole picture
#so like idk. i WANT to be able to get a healthier outlook on it.. bc this isnt working
#both bc of myself and for myself but also in relation to others
#and like. why do i like never see anyone else on thmblr/twitter that post EVERY thought like me???? (i dont think its wrong to do bc *i*
#have a different pov on it and idc abt other ppl's vents but .. yeah idk why do i do this but no one else does it at the level i do?
#so idk i've just been thinking of this lately bc yeah.. yeah i just dont know i dont know.... :///
#i actually want to be able to not ruminate and get stuck in it but idk how to break free?
#plus expressing positive emotions & thoughts is terrifying to me like idk why but i cant????
#why??? i feel like im undeserving of good things that i cant even express smth nice bc im like .. i dont deserve to think/feel that??
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