#it isnt even mental tiredness i feel Physically Tired

[sanitizarium]

off my meds for a couple days while i wait for my refill (theyre at home not at college) and so far the only effect i have felt is Im So Fucking Tired. Holy Shit. I Cant Do Anything

[argumentl]

Kaoru Interview - Burrn! Japan Vol.23 (Feb 2024)

Interview by You Masuda

FAN TRANSLATION

(Note: This interview was held mid-way through the Phalaris Final tour)

The next person to interview was Kaoru, straight after Die. When I asked Kyo about new material going forward, he simply said, 'Ask Kaoru about that', but to be sure, if there is any member creating the blueprints for future new material, there is no doubt that its Kaoru. Of course, I'm aware that its slightly too soon to be asking such things, but I started the interview hoping to at least pick up a few hints.

ーYou are currently mid-tour, but after finishing both days at Zepp Haneda, how are you feeling about it?

Hmm. Its quite.....exhausting (lol). It consumes a lot of energy, much more than we usually use for live shows. Phalaris has a lot of power packed into it, and you really feel it bearing down on you. I'm not even trying to be that active on stage, but still....its tiring (lol)

ーBy that you mean its something different from physical tiredness?

Yeah, the tone, the content of the show, there is a heaviness to it, its something that you just can't approach half-heartedly.

ーKyo said that the songs are all hard work to sing this time. As for performing, there seems to be a lot of songs that you just can't relax through.

Yeah, its the same when playing. It really questions the type of person who is stood there playing on stage...this isnt the type of stage I can just stand around carelessly on. I mean, not that I'm like that anyway (lol). But there is something about it where I just can't express myself unless I fully throw myself into that world. It feels like a heavy weight crashing down on me for this tour.

ーThis is the third tour in the Phalaris cycle, but I get the feeling the first two rounds were not as heavy as this?

They weren't. The first round was quite tasteful, and in the second round we emphasised the 'live' element of it more, it was like a lighter version. If its too heavy from the beginning, its kinda tough on the audience too.

ーWould you say this is an album with such a heaviness that it requires this kind of considered moderation?

Yeah, but we did think we need to moderate this tour too. If for example, we were to do a single limited live show in a big venue to close Phalaris, that would be even more intense. In the shape of a tour, there are times when we are reaching our absolute limits. Thats how tough it is (lol) It didn't seem right unless each show of the tour encompassed that sense of weight and culmination.

ーIn other words you are almost right at your tipping point?

Yes. If we were to increase the intensity further, there is no doubt that the shows would collapse into chaos...which may be ok in some sense, but then we would be unable to continue touring properly.

ーYou touched on this earlier, but don't you have any plans to do a seperate finale for Phalaris in a big venue at any point?

No, we aren't thinking about that, not for now at least. It doesn't mean there is a zero percent chance, but recently there just isnt the venue availability for that kind of thing. This has been going on for a few years now. If we had been able to find a big venue before announcing the tour, then this tour wouldn't have been seen as the 'Final'. So in a sense, ending Phalaris in this way is very rooted in actuality. It probably still would have been this heavy though, even if it wasn't labeled as the final.

ーFor Uroboros, you held a finale live in Osaka jo Hall after a bit of time had passed. Is there no possibility of such a thing happening for Phalaris?

Well, I don't know. Its a timing issue. If we found the perfect venue at the perfect time, and if we were all mentally in that space....I mean, it will be easier to know as time passes, but if we are mentally for it, there may be a possibility.

ーYour answer has raised my expectations somewhat, but I'm not going to get too carried away for the time being. Have you discovered any new feelings towards this album during the current tour?

Hmm....I've been thinking its a good album (lol)

ーIts not like you to sing your own praises (lol)

Well, I mean, after this, if we realease a new single, there will probably be Phalaris-like elements to it, but even putting that to one side, so many of our past songs just fit really well alongside Phalaris. So I think we have been very true to ourselves with this album. Although it sounds a bit odd for me to say that myself (lol). I'm not entirely sure about the overall balance of the album as a piece of work, but it fits so well with our other songs, there is a mysterious feel to it.

ーFitting with your other songs may have something to do with it, but at the time you completed the album, you also said that it contains every part of Dir en grey. I'm sure you werent consciously thinking that while you were making it though.

No, I think I was at times. Of course, this isn't the end for us, but I was thinking that IF the band were to end now, I would want this to be seen as our best work. So as for consciously putting all of Dir en grey into it, no, I don't think thats wrong.

ーMaking the album with that much conscious effort means its not all new. There are links to the past, as well as that link to pull you forward onto your next step.

Yeah, and I've been feeling this even more so on the current tour. That's why I've been thinking this is a good album (lol)

ーI love hearing this kind of thing from the artists themselves. Hearing about the songs fitting well reminded me...With all these songs from Phalaris in the setlist, certain other songs might also come to mind, but to hear songs like Different Sense and Downfall in there, its like they were meant to be. That may be an odd way to describe it...

Heh, I understand. They wouldn't be out of place even if they were on Phalaris. We didn't choose to include specific types of songs while we were making it, but if you search through our past music there are some things that do just roll into place. Its probably going too far to say I was realising this when completing the album, but I feel like I can see Phalaris more clearly now. With this tour, I really do feel that sense of completion.

ーThat may be what a sense of completion actually means. You finally reach that point after realising for yourself what the flow of your past work has created.

Yes.

ーIn that sense, I think this is a very interesting outcome. But with such an intensity to the show from the outset, there is the possibilty of the audience being left behind at somepoint, if you don't get it exactly right.

Hm, I wonder. Some people might have felt that way about Phalaris 2, but this is just us being us. Its just not blowing up with excitement at the end this time, its kind of a different feeling from what we've done previously. The heaviness of the mid-section of the show is due to us being thorough, but I don't feel like its exceptional (lol)

ーAs you just said about the end of the show, closing with Kamuy is a bit different from the feeling we usually get at the end. Did you choose to play this song last, in line with bringing Phalaris to a close?

Well, it was also the first tour to play Kamuy. If we had played it at previous tours, it might have ended up in a different spot in the setlist. But for sure, to play it for the first time at the final, it could go in no other spot. Even if we were to do a seperate final in a big venue, I think it would still come at the end of the encore, not the end of the main.

ーEnding the live with the disquieting tone of Kamuy in the air, then raising the lights and bidding farewell to the audience...even with this familiar parting scene, its quite different from past tours.

With that we simply just want to say thank you to the people who came. Its a way to express thanks at the end of each show. We could just disappear off stage after Kamuy if we wanted to, but as I was saying before about 'the type of person who is stood on the stage', I want to keep this time that I have to express my thanks to the peole who come to see us. I mean, the 5 of us could all gather together in the centre for a farewell or something too, but that kind of structure somehow doesn't seem very 'us' (lol)

ー Yeah, lets save that for another occasion (lol) By the way, it must have been a difficult transition to go from finishing this phase of Phalaris, to confronting the new single 19990120.

Well, it wasnt easy. We did the 25th anniversary tour last year, so from there it was like, 'Should we do some old stuff?'. We would usually be looking at doing new material at this kinda time, but we talked about it, and what with covid and such, we thought there might be a few people out there who hadn't been to see a live show for a while. So we thought we could use some kind of tool to get more people coming back as we move forward. Not in the sense of making an album of self covers or anything, but since the 25th anniversary of our debut is in Jan 2024, we thought we might as well try something. We just wanna try out what we can, because of course there is always loads that we can't.

ーYeah. Self covers or remakes can give the impression of being backwards looking, but as we talked about how past songs have fit so well in the current tour and helped you realise how far you've come, it could be said that looking afresh at these songs from 25 years ago might be the link to future discoveries.

Whether or not this links to new things is hard to tell untill we do it, that wasn't really in my mind. But for now its more like a tool to stir up the 'Lets go and see Dir en grey again' feeling. I can say this, back in the day there were a lot of so-called heavy bands I used to go and see. I admired them and started my own band, I'm that kind of person too (lol) But I think a lot of people like that eventually start to think 'Ah, I havnt listened to that kind of music for a while', they even stop listening to music at all sometimes. Or if they do listen, its the same stuff they listened to back in the day. I wanted to strike a chord with those kind of people and get them thinking about coming to see a show. As well as letting them connect with Phalaris, its just a good starting point to get back in. So these new remakes are part of a plan, as opposed to something we just really wanted to do.

ーDir en grey have rerecored old songs in the past, but those past remakes have been more about updating old songs to match the contemporary sound of the band. Was there no such intention this time?

Its not like there was NO intention, of course, we wanted to put some of our current selves into them while making them. But we didn't want to change them outright. So in that sense, they are different from our past remakes.

ー Without trying to make any big intentional changes, you wanted the natural differences between then and now to shine through?

Yeah, that kind of thing. I think in that sense, we achieved our aim.

ー I see. I actually dug up an old interview from 25 years ago, and have been re-reading it. In it you were speaking about the background to each song and such, but Kaoru, how did you feel back then about releasing 3 songs at once for your major debut?

I though it was a great talking point, but it was hard work (lol) We had first talked about releasing two songs. So we went to LA with this idea and got to work in the studio, but then it somehow got suggested to do three songs. I honestly didn't even know how we were gonna get even two songs recorded, so I was rather skeptical that we could manage three. (lol)

ーWhat song was number 3?

That was Yurameki. We had started pre-production on all three at first, and sent them to Yoshiki. After that we chose the diametrically opposed Zan and Akuro no oka as the two songs to record. But when we went to LA, it was like, 'Ok, lets just do all three'.

ーI can hear the voice of your producer when you say that (lol). Back then, it wasn't that unusual for two songs to be released as a single at once in this category, but three had a big impact. What kind of things made a big impression on your memory back then?

Firstly, there were a lot of people around. Also, it was non-stop photoshoots and interviews. I was always writing music within this kind of bustling situation. It was really easy to lose focus of where we were heading with it all, so I tried to keep a tight hold on only that. But there were still a lot of days where I just had no idea what I was supposed to be doing.

ーYou were having like, 10 interviews at day, right? Wasn't it a bit like those artists who come to Japan for promotion, but like every day?

Yeah, even for photoshoots we would have 3 different studios booked, going here, going there, interviews in between, every time.

ーI'd like to ask about the three songs. On the new release, Yurameki is song number one. Was there any meaning behind recording them in this order?

After finishing the arangements, when we were starting the recording stage, we thought this order would be good based on how the song starts and ends. Its only for this reason.

ーI was going to ask more about the song order, but as for Yurameki, it was a bit of a curve ball for Dir en grey back in the day, wasn't it?

No, not really. We had melodious songs even then, I didn't think it was that much of a curve ball. Its Shinya's song, but he had been writIng songs during the indies era too. It was a recognition of our Shinya-esque songs.

ーAt the time, you said, 'Its a pop song, but we wanted to change up the style'. Does that mean you thought a lot about how to put it out there?

In the end, if we kept it ordinary, it would end up sounding like a totally ordinary song. I actually paid a lot of attention to parts that you wouldn't notice even if you listened to the song (lol). For example, the chord work. Yoshiki would tell me to do impossible things like, 'How about we try this?'

ーWhat do you mean by 'impossible'?

To put it simply, impossible chords and stuff. (lol) But he would say, 'Its only for the recording, so its ok, right?' So we changed our plans, and recorded all the chords one string at a time, then layered them up to make the sound. Not like playing every string simultaneously, but recording phrases one string at a time. So in the end the texture of the sound came out with more of a bang. I was spending a lot of time on those parts that no-one would probably notice.

ーIn other words, you deconstructed the song during recording.

Yes, I took advantage of the fact that they were chords that couldn't be played normally, and recorded them in a way which was unique to the studio.

ーI see. And about the songs Akuro no Oka and Zan, Yoshiki's opposite comments about both songs are in this old article. You said that for the former, he said he was concerned about the collision of sounds, and for the latter, he said 'I don't care about the collision of sounds'.

Heh, that sounds about right.

ー The collision of sounds. These are words I sometimes hear. In short, its where sounds are mixing at a place and a time where they shouldn't, right?

Yes. Maybe its because I'm a guitarist, but I tend to like adding more and more sounds and layering them up. I would suggest something like, 'I want to add this kind of phrase here', and Yoshiki would say, 'No, that gets in the way of the other sounds, change it'. So I would add something different, and he would say, 'No, thats no good either. Do you really need to add something here?'. For me it was like, 'well, I may not need to, but I want to'. It might be a guitarist thing. I say this, because Yoshiki did tell me, 'HIDE was like that, always wanting to add extra stuff in'. (lol)

ーIt must have sent shivers down your spine to hear that. In addition to this, you also said about Akuro no oka, that 'Including the guitar solo, the developments in this song are really satisfying to play'. Is it these chord progressions and such that feel pleasant to guitarists as a rule?

That is part of it. I've always felt comfortable playing this song. But when we were doing the remake, I did wonder whether I should try to go even further with it. Like, could I make it feel even more satisfying? I did actually try it, but it ended up feeling so good, it didn't line up with the original song anymore (lol). So I gave that up. It wasn't Akuro no oka anymore, it had a kind of palacial feel to it. I thought this wouldn't work (lol)

ーI feel like I also want to hear the palacial version, but we do need to preserve the foundations of the song, right? (lol) Okay, so next, the complete opposite of Akuro no oka, Zan. The song itself had been around from the beginning, and it seems like it went through many minor changes to get to where it was?

Well, because we had played it a bit live. But originally, we made it in the studio with me just telling everyone stuff like, 'Im gonna play this part like this, so you play the drums like this' etc etc. And then for the CD release, I actually remade the arrangement, so we could do it properly.

ーGenerally speaking, this is the least fitting of the three songs to be a single. Did you ever question or doubt putting this out as a single?

No, I definitely wanted to release it. So much so as to even say 'I want Zan as the first song' (lol). But it would be tough with only Zan, so thats how we came around to the idea of releasing two songs. Like, 'It has impact, but we need something with a different feel to it too'.

ーI see. It might have been a lot different if not for this decision. The three songs were recorded at the studio 'ONE ON ONE' in LA. (Note: This later became 'EXTASY STUDIO' when Yoshiki bought it, and is now in the hands of a different owner under the name '17 HERZ STUDIO'). This place was well-known for being used by Metallica, but how was it, recording overseas so suddenly?

Well, it was super luxurious. I've never had such a cushty recording experience since (lol)

ーDid you feel like, 'We made it!'?

No, I didn't. Not that long before that I had being doing home recordings, or usIng super tiny studios etc up until our indies era. So no, even being placed in that situation didn't make me feel like we'd made it. It was more like, 'Okay, what do we do now?' (lol) Being in that unfamiliar environment, there was a lot of pressure to make something lasting. We had unlimited use of equipment, but at that stage in our growth, we had limited knowledge, and undeveloped ears. So even if we heard something, we were unable to tell whether or not it really sounded good. It was me, who listened to nothing but heavy music, being told, 'Maybe this sounds better?', but then just responding, ' Nah, I just wanna make it sound more distorted'(lol) I only ever had this kind of exchange back then. But of course, my knowledge, brain, and ears were not fit for that environment. It was a bit of a waste in some sense. But it could be quite interesting if we were to do that kind of thing now. I didnt understand how the sound of a studio works back then, but if it was now, as well as having understanding, I would be able to really experiment with different things. I'd understand about mic positioning, about creating ambience, and all sorts. But back then I knew nothing. (lol)

ー Its seems almost pointless to be in that environment with such a lack of understanding and appreciation, but I think the experience itself probably meant a great deal to you, right?

Yes. I learned the importance of taking time to make something. Looking at a song from different angles, trying to dig into it in different ways. Before that things were never really much deeper than, 'Ok guys, lets make something'. I learned how to put great care into my work for the duration.

ーIts a very valuable thing to learn early on that its not all easy. Ok, so in January you will hold the FC limited live shows in Kawasaki and Osaka. You'll be in 25th debut anniversary mode in mid-Jan, right?

Well, yeah. And after that is the European tour, which will be a bit different from a regular tour. And the after that, a domestic tour entitled PSYCHONNECT. This time its 25 years since Gauze (lol).

ーIt's one anniversary after another, right?

Yeah (lol) The timing was just right to fit a tour in this Spring, and when we talked about what kind of thing to do, a Gauze themed hall tour was suggested.

ーJust to make things clear, this doesn't mean you are going to re-record the whole of Gauze, does it?

No no no (lol). If we did that people would be like, 'Enough of this already, record some new material!' (lol)

ーOf course. But at same time, I'm still kinda curious about hearing something like that.

Even if we were to do that, now isn't the time for it. People would end up thinking, 'What, are you gonna rerecord your entire catalogue??' (lol) That wouldn't be much fun.

ーYeah, interest would drop if it was nothing but rewriting history.

If I was a fan, I'd probably be thinking, 'Is this all they're doing from now on?'

ーRight. The thing we are really all waiting for is some new material after fully digesting Phalaris. Have you begun anything in that direction?

Nope, not yet (lol). I don't even know whether its ok to say this, but I haven't started yet. But actually, I was thinking about getting started today (lol).

ーYou might start writing new music straight after this interview?

Yeah, the interview just came into my schedule at exactly this time.

ーI can't wait to hear what you come up with. When I interviewed you just after the completion of Phalaris, you said that with no regular touring during covid, it had been difficult to communicate and exchange ideas with the other members. Does this mean that normality has returned to the bands' interactions. Are you able to make new music whilst interating with the other members on tour again?

Yes, we had already got back to a sense of normality by the tour before this. but now we are actually discussing next moves and stuff, and we are ready to get started. Straight after this interview, to be exact (lol).

ーLet me ask you one more thing. We touched earlier on the European tour which will be held in March. Its the first overseas tour to have past albums as a theme. What were you thinking about when deciding this?

We had originally talked about doing it in 2022 as part of the 25th anniversary run. But with the pandemic, and also trying to balance it out with the Phalaris tour, we were unable to make it happen then, so we slided it over to 2024 just as it was. People might be wondering why we are doing it at this time, but we had planned to do it from before, and now we just finally have the chance to.

ーWould you like to return to overseas touring as it used to happen previously?

Well, yeah, but its not easy. The reality is a lot different now than how it used to be. Its really not as simple as to just say, 'Let's go' now. In this case, we managed to make it work by seeing if we could do it at this particular time, but I can't be sure about future overseas tours. So to the fans in Europe, I want them to come and see us this time. Don't wait for next tme.

ーIts really interesting that the themes for this European tour are Uroboros and Withering to death. Your first ever tour of Europe was with Withering to death. These two albums have been influential in Dir en grey's overseas activities.

Yeah, we were overseas the most with those albums, and with The Marrow Of A Bone. I had thought about digging a little deeper, era-wise. Like maybe taking Vulgar overseas or something. Maybe if we have a chance in the future.

ー There are still many paths open to you. What about a Gauze world tour?

Heh, that would require a lot of motivation (lol) It would be impossible otherwise (lol)

ーWhether or not you ever manage that, there are still a lot of other things you need to do, and things you can do. I'm looking forward to seeing what kind of year 2024 is for you.

Thank you. Hopefully it won't be long before we have something new to put out.

[alloutshirt]

/

[cuntess-carmilla]

I generally address questions left in the tags of my posts by messaging the person directly, but I think this is very important to discuss, so I'll do it publicly hoping to benefit you and anyone who might read this.

#ive got a genuine question here#asking in good faith#is chronic fatigue caused by depression actually chronic fatigue?#like my symptoms were permenant confusion always being so tired that even keeping my head up was exhausting#and what to most people was a 10 minute walk took me 90 minutes because i was physiclaly unable to go faster than an extrenely slow shuffle#the only medical diagnosis at the yime was depression and none of yhe doctors took me seriously when i told them about this level#of tiredness#like it was extreme and getting dressed was an all morning activity#and yet the doctors did nothing!#so i guess im just curious as to whether what i had was genuine chronic fatigue or just extreme depression symptoms#please let me know if you want me to delete this reblog if the tags make uou uncomfortable#i had all of the symptoms youve mentioned in your post but i just dont know if it counts because depression isnt a physical illness

People with chronic fatigue are almost always misdiagnosed with depression and/or anxiety first. Some of chronic fatigue patients (especially people with ME/CFS) in some countries are forcibly hospitalized in mental hospitals by deeming that chronic fatigue is a mental illness with no physiological root (which is demonstrably FALSE), or downright claiming that our only illness is supposed delusions about our health. If you can stomach it, look up the case of Karina Hansen in Denmark.

Don't get me wrong, depression sucks, and ironically enough, most people who experience chronic fatigue also have some level of depression because it's a very emotionally miserable condition. A lot of us have medical trauma and trauma from being met with ableism in general as well.

However, as you yourself said, depression isn't a physiological condition, but a mood condition, meaning it's emotional. The reason why able-bodied people with depression tend to be inactive and waste away isn't because they physically cannot do more, it's because they feel no motivation to live their own lives, which IS a serious problem, but it's not the same as chronic fatigue.

Contrary to biased research, there's no proved uniform biological cause for depression. That doesn't make it any less real, and some people die from it (suicide), I just don't think that emotions should have to have a biological backdrop to "justify" them being taken seriously and receiving support. Emotions matter. Compassion and a community's responsibility to care for its individuals shouldn't depend on biology.

That said, addressing that depression is real, debilitating and potentially dangerous, it doesn't cause PHYSICAL fatigue, and it doesn't, alone, cause cognitive issues. The belief that it does comes from a bias in the medical and psychiatric fields, which are very ideologically and financially invested in not treating chronically ill patients as physically ill.

A double-edged sword for our conditions being taken seriously as physiological is that some psychiatric meds do help SOME of the physiological roots of chronic fatigue (benzos can act as mast-cell stabilizers, some antidepressants raise blood pressure, some sedating meds used for anxiety can treat neuropathic pain, mood stabilizers and anxiety meds can soothe out insomnia granting you better rest, etc), so don't necessarily rule the possibility of a physiological reason for your fatigue if you're taking psych meds and they do help. I use a combination of antihistamines and clotiazepam to treat my mast-cell disorder, I use Wellbutrin to help a little with my orthostatic intolerance and to get an extra boost of energy, and I use Lamictal/lamotrigine to stop my Wellbutrin from exacerbating my insomnia and causing me to get anxiety episodes, as I get that from stimulants.

I'm no doctor and I don't know you personally, but as a fellow patient who's been researching for a long time and in contact with other patients for about as long, what you describe here sounds like chronic fatigue. Maybe you have depression too because, again, a lot of us are depressed at least partially DUE to chronic fatigue, but the symptoms you're talking about sound like classic chronic fatigue and if I'm right I really hope you can find the root of yours and treatment that helps you.

I'm seeing people use the term "chronic fatigue" incorrectly all of a sudden lately. Granted, I've only seen it on Twitter, but I still want to talk about it here. If you're using the term improperly, I'd like it if you'd stop and inform yourself on the subject.

Chronic fatigue is not just being very tired, in case you're not aware. It disables you and comes with cognitive dysfunction (persistent state of confusion, inability to focus, inability to process new information or articulate your thoughts, poor memory, and more).

Chronic fatigue especially ISN'T being tired due to punctual external reasons that'd tire any person without a preexisting condition and it DOESN'T go away with proper rest. Proper rest simply avoids worsening it, and even that can fail, seeing as obtaining proper rest when you have chronic fatigue ranges from very difficult to Not Happening.

Not everyone's chronic fatigue is equally disabling, some people can lead a "normal" life at a great cost (and risk of permanently making it worse) while others are bedridden, but it's not a tiredness caused by a factor that if you remove it, will fix it, unless of course you find effective MEDICAL TREATMENT that makes it go away AS LONG AS YOU KEEP TO YOUR MEDICAL TREATMENT, or get a specific SURGERY in case yours comes from tethered (spinal) cord and/or CCI. This surgery consists on fusing some of the vertebrae of your neck permanently, by the way.

Some conditions that cause chronic fatigue; your brain being deprived of enough oxygenated blood (orthostatic intolerance, anemia, hypotension), your immune system attacking your own body (autoimmunity), metabolic issues on a CELLULAR level (ME/CFS), gastrointestinal issues, chronic pain, and a long, long etcetera. Mine comes from a combination of a genetic mutation that makes ALL my organs function poorly, orthostatic intolerance and autoimmunity.

It's a disabling condition nearly impossible to combat and even more impossible to push through. I've been trying to treat mine for 3 years, researching and trying new things non-stop for 3 years, and I'm still housebound and unable to work.

Please, I beg you, don't trivialize the term "chronic fatigue". The medical establishment and society at large already don't take it seriously, believe it can be cured by positive thinking/CBT or exercise, or believe it's a myth to justify laziness.

Please, don't turn "chronic fatigue" into the next "gaslighting" or "emotional labor". The harm that'd cause to the disabled/chronically ill community would be unmeassurable. We deal with enough disbelief and lack of care as is.

[hospitaldoors]

i only have enough energy to be scared for a very close circle and being scared for my parents again has just taken it out of me completely

And more than anything i just feel like talking about it is pointless. There will always be someone more tired, more in pain. Sadder. More hopeless. Worse trauma. Worse family issues. I talk about it, it makes some people worry, and in the end i just feel bad for worrying them, and guilty for adding anything more. I’ll have an episode and then spend the next two weeks fucking hating myself for putting more stress on anyone. Or someone feels guilty for hurting, and that’s just. Awful. Pain is pain, no one deserves to feel bad bc of that.  & then “Oh man SAME” except, not same? Not to say that others arent tired, exhausted, sad. Just, when taken into contexts and evidences its.. not the same, theres a lot of quantity and severity discrepancies.But being sad or tired isnt a pissing contest. Its not a bragging right, its not a stretch to feel special. It just sucks. So like, why even complain about that. why should i feel bad about that. Some days i find myself wishing i had a pain that no one i knew could relate to so i could just..i dont know, hurt and not get some ‘haha we’re all in this TOGETHER’ reply with some undertone of it just, not mattering bc that’s everyone right now. and its stupid, and selfish, but everything just feels very empty, invalid. What is the point in speaking up if it just makes things worse what is the point of talking about tiredness if everyone already knows, because they are tired. what is the point of hanging on if everythings just going to be stupid and tiring and ijfidfjgddfkdf I have been in a state of ‘hanging on’ for so long it definitely makes up the majority of my life existence. People say there are certain beings who cant exist outside a state of crisis, and I live in constant fear that that’s what the world thinks of me. Over dramatic, exhausting, scattered. I can’t find any lies in that. The things im scared of are the only things that really feel valid to me anymore. You can’t look at someone and tell them that you’re tired of hanging on without a lot of people getting very scared, but I am. I’m tired, and I’m scared, and things just _seem_ to be getting worse for me. My family is in danger again. It’s difficult for me to focus on supporting myself, and doing so is taking a more severe physical toll far faster than i was prepared for, with pretty upsetting implications - that, feeding into earlier things, I wont talk about more than a few here-there complaints that can be shrugged off. I’m vocal, but its all very inconsequential - I feel that if I can’t get my mental/emotional situation fixed ASAP then its going to completely wreck my relationship.  more than that but the longer I exist like this, the more it builds me into something I cant stand. I don’t talk about it, people assume im being melodramatic when I hit the wall I do talk about it, people assume im melodramatic because I never shut up What is the balance there? Where is the middle ground that just settles the perspective to ‘arch is having a hard time’, & does it even really matter if I’m ALWAYS having a hard time? This is normally something I’d post on my vent, just kind of swallow it and step away. I don’t want any big interventions, or huge notes, or doting friends. I don’t want anyone taking all their energy and putting it towards trying to make me feel better, to ‘fix’ everything. My state is not anyone's responsibility. I don’t want that. I’m not even sure what I want - to be understood, maybe? I don’t know, the longer I think about it the more I feel like maybe I’m just stupid and theatrical. This sounds very fatalistic, and I guess it kind of is. At the end of the day though i’ll just keep going. I don’t think there’s anything else for me to do. The world feels very empty these days. It all feels very hopeless. It’s hard to look forward to anything when nothing in the future feels real. But I’ll be there to see it anyways, I guess. I always will be.  Things have got to be okay at some point. I just have to keep trying. I don’t /feel/ like I can make it happen, but I know I can, if that makes sense? I’m so scared.

[jiminnieblues-blog]

get to know me tag(s)

yoo so recently i’d been tagged to do three get to know me tags, and i dont want to make three separate posts for each so im gonna combine all of them in this one post which is under a cut bc……….its really long LOL anyways i was tagged by @lovhobe, @elementaljimin, and @protectkimtaehyung thank you so much guys!!!!!!!!!!! <333 im glad i got to know yall better asdfgh

im tagging @jiminslipgloss​, @jxxminmols​, @kismet-soo​, @baeklipse​, @sonyeondn​, @neckatie​, @kihyunswife​ and @bulletproofbookworm​ you guys are welcome to do however many of these you want lol i just didnt wanna tag people separately for each tag

i was tagged by @lovhobe​ to do the 20 questions one tysm!!  instructions: answer the 20 questions and tag 20 amazing followers you would like to get to know better. (lol yall already know i aint tagging 20 people)

name - zara

nickname - um a few of my friends like to call me zar-zar and i get called zaro by my family a lot

zodiac sign - cancer

height - 5′ 3″

orientation - straight

ethnicity - pakistani

favorite fruit - pineapple i think

favorite season - fall

favorite book series - idk um i’ll be that person and say harry potter lol i cant rlly think of a good series rn but my fave book is the kite runner 

favorite flower - i dont rlly know a lot of flowers but i like roses and the vibrant colors that orchids can have

favorite scent - fresh laundry

favorite color - purple

favorite animal - zebras?

coffee, tea, or hot cocoa - hot cocoa

average hours of sleep - five

cat or dog person - i like both but i think i like cats a little more

favorite fictional character(s) - this is hard bc i used to be in a lot of fandoms asdfghjkl draco, red & gold, percy, bakugou, link and i have more from all the drama i watch but the list will be to long lmao !!!

number of blankets you sleep with - three

dream trip - idrk?? somewhere out of the country i guess i dont leave the us unless im going to pakistan lol

blog created - i had to check my archive lmao but i made this blog in oct of 2015

number of followers - :^)

NEXT i was tagged by @eternaljimin​ for the get to know me tag tysm !! there werent any instructions just.........answer the questions lol.

a - age - fourteen lmao.........................

b - biggest fear - tight spaces

c - current time - 10:35 pm

d - drink you had last - water

e - everyday starts with - getting out of bed??

f - favorite song - im saying this just bc it just came out but RUMOR BY KARD IS A BOP WATCH IT AND SUPPORT THESE LEGENDS  

g - ghosts are real? - idk my dude

h - hometown/country - us

i - in love with - jimin?

j - jealous of - i was just watching sbs kpop star and there are these two kids who are eleven yrs old and are so talented i wish i was talented you feel 

k - killed someone - why would someone even ask this akshf ofc not

l - last time you cried - i think i cried today lmfao

m - music you last listened to - RUMOR BY KARD

n - newest thing you bought for yourself - i think the last thing i spent my money on was cheez its from the vending machine @ school ajksf

o - one wish - i wish my life went smoothly and that i wasnt mentally ill?? lmao

p - person you last messaged - @jiminslipgloss​ :)

q - questions you get asked often - since i wear the hijab i get a lot of questions abt that i also get questions on my rbf like ‘why do you look so depressed all the time’ asfkjkj

r - recommended (movie? series? book?) - i just remembered that i read this book called this blinding absence of light and it was rlly good a little explicit but it was a damn good book i rlly wanna re read it 

s - song you last sang - i dont rmbr but it was probs a track from hamilton lol

t - thanks, last person you said thanks to - the waiter that gave me food @ a restaurant i went today 

u - underwear youre wearing - not sure what this is asking but im wearing a purple one rn???

v - vacation, your dream vacation - i dont rlly have one lol

w - worst habit - idk if this counts but i lose my temper a lot? is that a habit? if not i tend to space out/get distracted a lot esp in class

x - x rays youve had - my teeth, my ankle, a few of my fingers

y - your favorite food - rice !

z - zodiac sign - cancer

for the third one i was tagged by @protectkimtaehyung​ for the seventy questions tag tysm!!!!!!

do you have a good relationship with your parents? yeah

who did you last say i love you to? um listen im rlly not tryna be edgy but i seriously dont rmbr the last time i said ily irl

do you regret anything? i regret a lot of things lol

are you insecure? unfortunately

whats your relationship status? single

how do you want to die? asdfghjkl um a painless death i think

what did you last eat? rice

played any sports? i used to play tennis and swim but now i do kung fu

do you bite your nails? no

when was your last physical fight? i kind of have......to fight in kung fu so like when i last had class lol

do you like someone? no

have you ever stayed up forty-eight hours? yeah

do you hate anyone atm? i tend to hate a lot of ppl lmao?

do you miss someone? uhm i dont think so

have any pets? no :// i used to have parakeets but i gave them away and i just recently found out that they passed away :(((

how exactly are you feeling right now? i was kinda happy but since its sunday night im starting to feel shitty bc i dont want to go back to school tmrw afjh and im rlly tired

ever made out in the bathroom? no

are you scared of spiders? yeah lol

would you go back in time if you were given the chance? this is an interesting question bc it depends like if i were given just one chance then mayyyybe id go back and change smth i did that was stupid but if were given the chance to go whenever i want then probably not bc thats way too much pressure/commitment to have a power like that sdhfa 

where was the last place you snogged someone? i havent snogged anyone lmfao

what are your plans for this weekend? sleep

do you want to have kids? how many? i dont want to have kids bc childbirth doesnt seem appealing to me but idk i might change my mind when im older/more mature

do you have piercing? how many? one on both ears

what is/are/were your best subjects? the only classes i have solid as in are art, lit, and w4p lol math and science are def not my thing

do you miss anyone for your past? from my past, yes

what are you craving right now? sleep

have you ever broken someones heart? in first grade some kid liked me and i embarrassed him in front of his friends to get him to stop liking me so yeah i was wildin in first grade

have you ever been cheated on? no

have you ever made a significant other cry? no

whats irritating you right now? my tiredness? 

does somebody love you? oh geez i hope lmao

what is your favorite color? purple

do you have trust issues? yeah

who/what was your last dream about? um i dont think i remember v clearly

who was the last person you cried in front of? my mom

do you give second chances out easily? i dont think ive been in a situation where ive had to but i probably wouldnt 

is it easier to forgive or forget? wow um can i say neither lol

is this year the best year of your life? definitely not

how old were you when you had your first kiss? havent had one

have you ever walked out naked? no

favorite food? rice

do you believe everything happens for a reason? hmmm probably idk man i dont think too hard lol

what is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? scrolling through this hell website

is cheating ever okay? no

are you mean? i probably dont come off as mean online but im not gonna lie i def get mean irl

how many people have you fist fought? i dont think ive been in a situation where i had to punch someone?

do you believe in true love? ive never experienced romantic love so i wouldnt be able to say but probably aajkf ive read/watched too much and analyzed too many relationships for me to say love is real but...........love isnt real yall

favorite weather? when the sun is covered by clouds and its a little chilly

do you like the snow? ive only encountered snow like twice so idk but i feel like i wouldnt like it very much lol

do you want to get married? idk man

is it cute when someone calls you baby? pet names arent rlly my thing lol 

what makes you happy? sleep...........im rlly tired rn 

would you change your name? no

would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? this is an interestingly phrased question lol. well i dont rmbr the last person i kissed so idk

your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? wow that would be rlly sad LMAO but id turn him down and tell him to get better standards wtf

do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? well they wouldnt be considered my friend if i couldnt act like myself around them so yes

who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? i just texted my friend so we can play video games aslfkh 

whos the last person you had a deep conversation with? literally the same dude from the last question lol

do you believe in soulmates? um no i dont think so?

id there anyone you would die for? my family/friends

thanks everyone again for tagging me !! <33