#it is super long but i am getting this ALL OUT
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Note
ok, ok âsuck on my fingers.â and âdonât make a mess, baby.â prompt with the worse wolverine? btw i love your words!!!
warnings: SMUT, MINORS DNI, squirting, fingering, dirty talk, overstimulation, cum eating (kinda? i think thats whats this called idk he just sticks his fingers in ur mouth after fingering)
600 follower drabble masterlist
a/n: I'm gonna be so real I am coping hard rn. I am devastated and worried for the future but if writing wolverine smut is what helps that is what I shall do. I hope you like it!!
How long has it been? Minutes? Hours? Fuck at this point you'd believe that you've been here for days. Wrapped in his arms. Trapped under his adamantium bone and super human strength. The sheets slip through your fingers as your grip grows weaker. Logan has been teasing you, playing with you like a piece of meat.
Logan is upright against the headboard. Heâs got your back against his chest. One of strong arms is keeping you upright. Forcing you to sit there. His other hand is shoved into your panties. He didnât even bother to take them off.
Thereâs something playing on the TV in your room but you lost any sense of your surroundings about an hour ago. Logan likes to play with his food. Always has.
Your big hot boyfriend loves to make a mess of things before he eats.
âOh Fuck Logannnn.â You whine as he slips two of his fingers into your already soaked cunt.
Your panties are soaked from Loganâs touch. He wonât even bother taking them off. He likes the obscene sight of his hands down them. Loves seeing his fingers disappear and watch your cute face scrunch up in pleasure.
Youâre trying with all your might to squirm away. Not that you wanted him to stop but the pleasure was overwhelming. Your body was moving without your brain at this point. Pure instinct. Logan growls in your ear. Shoving another finger inside to shut you up.
âQuiet. Iâm not done with you yet.â You tilt your neck to the side as Loganâs rough thumb starts to circle your clit harshly.
The sounds of your pleasure are loud and Logan is unashamedly eating them up. His fingers movie faster and faster. Pounding into you with a force that makes you scream. Your dripping down his hands and onto the sheets. Logan tuts and shakes his head mockingly.
âDonât make a mess baby.â He scolds as he drives his fucking fingers deep inside of you. Fucking liar. He loves when you make a mess. Nothing boosts his ego more.
He feels so good. His fingers are tearing you apart. Heâs hell bent on making you come harder than you ever have. He can never get enough. It's like a competition with himself. Making sure you know only he can do this to you over and over. A pressure builds deep in your core and your eyes widen when you feel a certain feeling.
âLogan wait I-â Your pleas are silenced as another moan rips through your throat.
You chant his name over and over as your legs start to shake. Logan watches in awe as you squirt all over the bed. He doesn't let up as he pulls as much as he can. You're moaning only pushes him further. He's whispering dirty things in your ear but you can barely hear him. Your body is screaming in pure pleasure and its all you can hear.
"Too much." You manage to whimper out as Logan continues to fuck his fingers into you.
He hums and in a moment of mercy decides you've had enough for tonight. Such a good pet. His fingers are coated. He pulls them apart and smirks as he brings them to your lips.
âCome on, suck on my fingers." He coos as you lazily open your mouth. Your perfect pretty lips surrounding his fingers, sucking your own juices from his fingers.
"Taste yourself, see why I can't get enough of this delicious cunt." His eyes grow dark as he watches your lips take his fingers so easily. You look up with glossy eyes. Completely fucked out because of him.
"Cute." He presses a kiss to your forehead and pulls you closer. His fingers slip out of your mouth and he dips back down into your soaked underwear. You whine when he gently brushes over your sensitive clit.
"Shhh sweetheart," His moves are softer this time, gentle.
"Just relax. Let me get my taste too."
361 notes
¡
View notes
Text
TRY AGAIN â JJH
PAIRING: jaehyun x female reader SUMMARY: if you could have it your way, you'd never have to see, hear, or even think about jeong jaehyun ever again. a fortuitous blind date, and that same dimpled smile after all those years, is somehow enough to make you reconsider. maybe he was always meant to be by your side. GENRE: exes to lovers! au, slight coworkers! au, romance, angst, slow burn, humour, some pining, a touch of smut WARNINGS: swearing, alcohol consumption, too many descriptions of coffee and wine, mentions of sex, general mature content and themes, reader is not good at talking about her feelings, joy x doyoung, i try to write about the complexity of relationships and personal growth (i fail miserably) WORD COUNT: 32.4k NOTE: oh. my god. it's finally here! there's certainly something different about writing for your ult. office scenes inspired by the internship i did at a big 4 firm that ended up rejecting everyone from my department (yes i'm still bitter). i actually wanted to get this out back in august to celebrate jolo but alas, Life. i guess this is a parting gift? (jaehyun i am nothing and nobody without you.) i poured a lot of heart into this fic and posting it feels like letting my child go out into the world alone... be safe my darling xx
You shouldâve brought an umbrella.Â
The early evening sky was darkening faster than usual, ominous grey clouds hovering between the skyscrapers like an unspoken but imminent threat. Though the ground was still dry, you had a feeling it wouldnât be for long. Your haste to leave your apartment this morning had robbed you of the good sense to check the weather forecast, mind too preoccupied with tonightâs agenda to spare a thought for the possible torrential downpour that summer seemed to be so fond of.Â
A glance down at your feet sent a twinge of annoyance through you. Of course you picked the black pumps to wear today. They were pretty, which was why you had slipped them on in the first place, wanting to make a good impression even if you told yourself you didnât really care that much, but they were also expensive, and you did not want to get them wet. You said a silent prayer. Hopefully the impending rain would be kind to the leather.
âYou better not be flaking,â Joy warned, voice crackling through your phone speaker. âI donât really care what he thinks of you for not showing up, but itâll reflect badly on me, and I canât have that.â
You suppressed a smile. Ever the drama queen.
âI am literally walking out of the station right now. The Italian place, right?â you asked, pausing for a moment at the top of the stairs to gather your surroundings. The restaurant she had picked out wasnât exactly an unknown location to you, but it had been a while since you last visited, and the buildings seemed to look back at you with a dazed unfamiliarity.
She gave an affirmative hum. âTwo streets down from the exit. The reservation is under my name, but I think he might be there already.â
âYippee. How exciting.â
There was a loud sigh from the other end of the line, and you could almost hear her rolling her eyes at you. âYou do know I set this up with your best interests at heart, right?â
âAre you sure itâs not because you were bored and needed to use some poor soul for your own entertainment?â
âHey, Iâm not the one who put three packets of salt in Jungwooâs coffee,â she fired back.Â
Okay, maybe that one was on you. But it had been pretty funny seeing him spit it out all over the office kitchen counter and then meticulously clean up the mess with paper towels, all the while eyeing everyone on your floor with suspicion.
âIâm just saying,â she continued, âgive him a chance. I think you guys could really like each other.â There was a pause. âPlus, heâs super fucking hot. Like if I wasnât happily taken I would be climbing him like a tree.â
âGross. Iâm filing a complaint with HR.â
âReporting me to my own department? Iâll make sure that file never even makes it through the portal,â she cackled at your empty threat, and you joined in with her. âSeriously though, just give him a chance. At least stay until the mains come out.â
âFine,â you acquiesced, though you made sure she heard the huff that accompanied it. âBut if he starts talking about cryptocurrency I am leaving.âÂ
Joy only laughed, assuring you he probably wouldnât, and bid you goodbye with a parting command for you to enjoy yourself.Â
On days like these, you couldnât decide whether you were grateful or unlucky to have been placed on a team with her for your first project at the company. Technically speaking, Joy was your senior by almost two years, but even at that first daily stand-up half a year ago, filled with nervous smiles and clumsy introductions, you had the feeling the two of you would gel. By the time that first project wrapped up, the two of you had long progressed past mere co-workers, having bonded over 8-hour days of Powerpoint formatting and your mutual dislike of olives. You had never been more thankful for someone so vivacious to show you the ropes, and help you settle into the new environment with such ease.
However, Joy was a meddler.
Her meddling was what had you currently navigating the crumbly asphalt in your nicest shoes to meet the apparent hunk she had set you up with. You didnât know much about the guy since she refused to give you his name, afraid youâd search him up on social media and then make up some excuse to back out once you had seen his face â like you had done with the previous two that sheâd picked out for you.
Apparently, this one was from the Digital department, and had been at the company for a little over a year. Those were two out of the three pieces of information that she had deigned to bestow upon you, the third being that he had dimples, which she thought youâd appreciate.
Oh, and now the fourth one being that he was âsuper fucking hotâ.
Who knew? Maybe you would enjoy yourself. Getting back into the dating scene was pretty low on your priorities, with your career and trying to stick to a consistent gym routine taking up the majority of your time, but you were never opposed to a bit of fun.Â
Maybe Mr Super-Fucking-Hot could be a bit of fun.Â
Just take it easy, you thought to yourself, spotting the glass windows of the restaurant as you rounded the corner. Il Giardino, read the sign that hung above the door. Cute.
Hastily, you shifted your bag and cardigan to the other arm and smoothed out the creases in your black trousers. You had tried for something a little dressy, but also office-appropriate since you were coming straight from work, and not like you had tried too hard and spent an unnecessary number of hours thinking about what to wear on this stupid blind date. Another quick glance at your reflection in the window, just to make sure there was no food or lipstick in your teeth, and you pushed past the door.
Soft jazz filtered through your ears as you stepped inside. The restaurant was nicely decorated, a few vintage Italian posters hanging on the exposed brick walls, and an overall rustic feel that paired well with the warm, earthy ambience. Judging by the patrons already seated, this place was a popular date night location, with all but one table occupied by couples sharing soft touches and flirty smiles over half-filled glasses of red wine.
Joy certainly knew how to pick a spot.
You gave the smiling hostess Joyâs name for the reservation, managing a weak smile of your own when she informed you that the other half of your party had already arrived, and followed her through the tables further into the restaurant. Outside, the first few raindrops had begun to splatter against the asphalt, slowly darkening the road with wet patches that were sure to grow into puddles. It seemed you had arrived just in time to escape the rain.
The hostess stopped at a more private table towards the back, and gestured towards the empty seat with that same welcoming smile. Mystery man, aka Mr Super-Fucking-Hot, was sat with his back to you, leafing through what you assumed to be the drinks menu. His silhouette from behind was alright-looking, you supposed, if you really had to put a label to it, but there was something vaguely familiar about the shape of his head. Perhaps you had crossed paths in the office lobby before?
You approached the table, trying to sneak a peek of him out of the corner of your eye, just to see if he lived up to Joyâs oh-so-generous description, without being so painfully obviousâ
And froze.
âIs everything alright?â the hostess asked, still beaming at you.Â
You barely heard her through the cotton wool that seemed to suddenly fill your ears, hands instantly clamming up as you took in the man in front of you. His warm eyes widened a fraction of a millimetre with recognition, quickly followed by something else you couldnât place.
This was not happening.
âIs everything okay?â the hostess tried again. The corners of her mouth were beginning to slip, and she cast you a mildly concerned glance.
How strange you must have looked, standing stock-still beside your reserved table like a statue. The only things that could dispel the notion you had suddenly turned into stone were the light flush to your cheeks, and the deafening pounding of your own heart that you were sure the whole restaurant could hear.
âEverythingâs fine, just give us a minute please,â Jaehyun finally said, flashing the hostess a kind smile. She took her cue to leave, but not without another curious look between the two of you, hurriedly brushing away the waiter who was approaching the table and preparing to rattle off the specials.Â
Hearing his voice seemed to break the spell that had rendered you so immobile. You straightened, shifting your bag higher up your shoulder, and turned to leave. Whatever this was, you were not entertaining it.
Chair legs screeched abruptly against the floor.Â
âWait,â he pleaded.Â
Your eyes landed on his hand latched around your wrist first, before they moved to his face again. Slowly, his fingers loosened, but he kept you in his hold.Â
âWill you sit, please?â he asked softly.Â
You looked at him. Really looked at him, taking in his full, straight brows, the slope of his nose, the pinkness of his lips. His cheeks had slimmed since you had last seen him, allowing the sharpness of his jaw to really come through. Breathtakingly handsome as he always had been. A little older, a little more masculine, and yet somehow still the same.
And maybe because you still saw him, the boy that you loved, the first and likely only boy you had ever truly loved, you did sit, sliding into your chair like it was made of ice.
âItâs been a while,â he began, lowering back into his seat. You gave no indication that you had heard him at all, eyes focused on the flickering tealight candle at the centre of the table. The wax was a pinkish red colour, and the light scent coming from it was sweet, with a touch of tartness. Pomegranate, maybe. At your silence, he cleared his throat and tried again. âHow have youââ
âDid you plan this?â
He pulled back a bit, as if in genuine shock. âNo, I swear, I had no idea it was you. Joy only told me it was someone from her department, and that you were pretty, and she thought youâd be my type.â A pause. âDid you?â
Your reply was icy. âWhy would I plan to see you?â
He looked away at that, sucking in a breath through his teeth. You were probably mistaken, but something akin to hurt flashed in those eyes as he gave a short nod at your words. Likely a trick of the light. It was a little too dim in here. What reason would he have to be hurt? Why would he be bleeding when you were the one with cuts all over your hands from picking up the glass shards of your own broken heart?
An uncomfortable beat passed. âWell, Iâd say it was nice to see you, but you know Iâm not good at lying,â you said. Shouldnât have sat down in the first place.
Grabbing your bag and cardigan, you made to stand up again, regretting your decision to come here, regretting giving in to Joy so easily, regretting leaving the house this morning without a stupid fucking umbrella. The drizzle outside had turned into a downpour in no time, and the street drains were definitely going to clog up tonight.Â
Seoul and its fucking summer monsoon season.
âCan we justâplease, can youâfuck. Can we have dinner and just talk? As friends?â His hand shot out across the table, as if itching to grab yours again, but thought better of it, letting his fingertips rest against the edges of the linen napkin you hadnât even bothered to unfold.Â
A refraction of light from his sleeve caught your eye. His cufflinks. He was wearing the cufflinks you had gotten him for your high school graduation all those years ago.Â
They had been expensive. Four months of pay from your part-time job at the ice-cream parlour was just enough for the pale pearls set in sterling silver. You supposed it would have been silly of him to throw them away when they were so valuable. It wasnât like you had thrown away the gold pendant he had given you either. That necklace hadnât hung around your neck for a long time, but it still sat somewhere in the depths of your jewellery box, underneath all the newer ones you had bought for yourself or received from friends over the years.
âFine,â you found yourself saying. âSure. As friends. Why not?âÂ
Sinking back into your seat, you reached for the wine menu immediately. Enduring the next hour in the company of your ex-boyfriend without a drink? Unbearable. As much as you liked to convince yourself you were over him, from your behaviour tonight it was clear you most certainly were not, and only alcohol could soothe that blow to your pride.
Your eyes flitted down the page of reds, then the whites, then the sparklings. Christ, the prices in this place were not pretty. Joy would have to be in a completely separate tax bracket from you if these were the kinds of establishments she frequented.Â
For a brief moment, you thought about ordering the most expensive bottle on the list â a Penfoldâs 2018 Shiraz â just to be spiteful, but decided against it. If you were really going to be sharing a meal âas friendsâ, he would not be footing the entire bill. You wouldnât let him.
The waiter, under the impression that things had somewhat cooled down, finally approached your table, albeit a bit cautiously. Hearing but not really listening, you let him sing praises about the wild mushroom ravioli, ordering it just to save yourself the effort of reading through the rest of the menu. When he reached the beverages portion of his spiel, you settled for a more reasonable bottle, a 2021 merlot.
It was only once he had left to put your orders in that you realised that you had not even checked if Jaehyun was driving tonight.
âIâll pay for the wine, if youâre not drinking,â you said, fiddling with your napkin. You could probably finish the whole bottle yourself anyway. Maybe that would make it easier to look him in the eye.
âYou really donât need to do that,â he replied, voice soft but firm. The weight of his eyes on you was almost a tangible thing. âIâll have a glass.â
Your waiter returned, making a show of uncorking the bottle before pouring it out into both your glasses. You couldnât down the first one fast enough, draining half the contents in one long mouthful like it was your first taste of water after finishing a marathon. Jaehyun was more deliberate with his glass, taking only a few small sips before he set it down on the table again. If he noticed the speed at which you emptied yours, which it was pretty hard not to with the way you were gulping the wine down, he said nothing.
God, this was fucking awkward.
âSo,â he began, trying to mask the crack of his voice with a cough, âwhat made you agree to this thing?â
You reached for the bottle. âFelt like I owed it to Joy,â you said, pouring yourself another glass. âI flaked out of the last two she organised.âÂ
Maybe you should have just gone on that first one with Taehyung, or Taehyun, or whatever his name was. Then you could have avoided this situation altogether.Â
âSo you do this kind of thing a lot, then?â came his careful question.
You were curt. âNo.âÂ
He blinked a few times, the movements slow with confusion at the abruptness of your answer. You knew you were being difficult. You wanted to be. Five years could heal most things, but unspoken words could linger like splinters under your fingernails, festering below the surface. Calluses had hardened over the splinters of your breakup, tough and protective, but now it was as if they were pushing through to the surface again, your fingers newly tender at the sight of him after all those years.Â
A small part of you wanted to give him a taste of your hurt, wanted him to feel the prick of tiny wood chips in the flesh behind his nail beds. The larger part, however, knew malice would do no good for you. You had survived the pain. There was no reason to survive poison as well.
âNo, I donât,â you tried again, a little softer, a little less jagged around the edges. âI think she just likes to set them up for fun. This is my first time on one of these blind uhâŚâ The word date sat heavy on the tip of your tongue but refused to budge. âOne of these things.â Maybe another mouthful of wine would wash it down.
âHer definition of fun can be rather interesting,â he said, politely filling the silence.
You hummed in agreement, raising the freshly filled wine glass to your mouth again as you scrambled around in your head for something, anything to say. It had been a while since you had last been out on the dating scene, and you were well aware of it, but good grief, it was like your conversational skills had evaporated into thin air.
âHow do you know Joy?â was what you decided on after a deliberately slow sip.
Thankfully, Jaehyun seemed to still know how to carry a conversation. âSheâs one of the HR reps for Digital, so weâve spoken a few times before. And her boyfriend is a friend from university.â He paused to take a sip of his wine. âHave you met him?â
You shook your head lightly. âNo, not yet. Hoping to, soon.âÂ
âYouâll like him. Doyoungâs a great guy. Patience of a saint.â
âHeâd have to be to keep up with her,â you said, hints of a chuckle sprinkled in your voice.Â
Something about the fact that he was already privy to more of Joyâs personal life than you were had a sliver of jealousy wriggling in your stomach. She was supposed to be your friend, and yet you knew very little about Doyoung besides his name, while your ex-boyfriend across from you had been buddy-buddy with him for probably years and years. Not that it was a competition to see who held more information about their coworker outside the office, but the feeling that you were somewhat losing didnât sit well.
âItâs actually my first time on a blind date as well,â he said, allowing himself a tentative smile. âYou know how convincing she can be. I mean, I donât think Iâd ever go on one if she hadnât roped me in. It feels a bit silly meeting up with a complete stranger, you know?â He turned his smile to you, still tentative but coloured with a tinge of hopefulness, like he wanted you to understand, like he knew you would.Â
How could you not? There had once been a time where you believed that you and Jaehyun had been two halves of the same soul, carved into existence from the same stone. There had once been a time where you knew him almost better than he knew himself.Â
A time rather distant from now.
You kept your answer non-committal. âSure,â you murmured, wishing his pretty face wouldnât fall so quickly at your nonchalance, wishing you hadnât caught the slightest droop to the curve of his mouth. Everything about him was still too familiar. âIâm just a bit surprised to hear that, I guess. You were so desperate to meet new people back then.â
Three seconds passed in silence.Â
His eyes dropped to his lap, as did yours to your own. This previously reasonable bottle of merlot was loosening your lips rather unreasonably.
âSorry, that wasââ Unnecessary? Mean?Â
True?Â
âI didnât mean to say that,â you finally managed, the words spilling out of your mouth in a tumbled rush.Â
Or maybe you had.Â
Jaehyun could only flash you a weak smile. âItâs fine,â he said, though you both knew it wasnât really.
Frigidity returned to the air between you, stopped just short of freezing over by the reappearance of your waiter, along with a plate of goatâs cheese arancini. Jaehyun politely gestured for you to eat first, watching as you speared the crusty surface with your fork and moved it over to your own plate. For a few seconds, the only noises that could be heard from the table were the clinks and clanks of stainless steel utensils against ceramic plates. The arancini could not have come at a better time, affording both of you the opportunity to hide behind the guise of eating, and put off the need to make strained conversation, even if the time it bought you was fleeting.
Meet new people. Those were the exact words he had said to you all those years ago. Han River on a Tuesday night, cherry blossom petals fluttering through the balmy April air, the iciness of winter finally melting away into a distant memory to reveal fresh green carpets and vivid blooms â few things could have been more romantic. Spring is the season of love, they said.Â
But for you, spring was the season of loss. It was the season when love ended, when love could be taken back and snatched away in the blink of an eye. On a Tuesday night in April, you learned that your love was not just not enough, but that it was a burden, an obstacle between Jaehyun and living his life to the fullest. That time spent with you was time squandered. That you were robbing him of the complete university experience, and to an extent, his youth.
Jaehyun had always been a wanter. He wanted boldly and he wanted freely, never dwelling too long on how his wanting could appear in the eyes of others, never shy about his desires. When he was ten years old, he wanted a dog, despite the reddening of his nose and the watering of his eyes whenever heâd get within armâs distance of the bichon frisĂŠ. In tenth grade, he wanted you, with cans of peach soda and sweet little notes in your locker until you finally said yes to being his girlfriend after three days of public pursuit.Â
(You had arguably wanted him more, and for longer, though nobody had been none the wiser â you were rather good at hiding your feelings.)
Two months into your first year at university, his wants changed. He wanted more space and more freedom to meet new people. He wanted to be able to attend club social outings, and get to know his seniors, and play drinking games with his new roommates, instead of trekking to the other side of Seoul every week to see you, his girlfriend, who had now become his obligation.
It would have been a lie to say you hadnât noticed a shift in his behaviour in the months leading up to that fateful night. Smiles had become a little wearier. Texts had become sparser. You had chalked it up to the challenges of settling into the new routine and rigorous coursework, and the distance between your schools that occupied opposite sides of the city. Sure, the hour-long subway ride from his campus to yours wasnât the greatest asset to your relationship, but 18-year-old you had remained optimistic it would endure whatever curveballs your first year of university and the beginnings of real adulthood would throw at you.Â
You had survived the CSAT together and emerged in one piece. What else could be harder than that?
âYouâre right though,â he said quietly, eyes fixed on his own piece of fried goatâs cheese. âI guess I was.â
You let your fork drop with a soft clang. âLetâs not, uhâwe donât have to talk about that.â Pink petals were swimming at the edges of your vision.Â
Please, letâs not talk about that.
A flicker of something behind his eyes could almost convince you he wanted exactly the opposite of your unspoken plea. Maybe this was a conversation he didnât actually want to avoid the way you so desperately did.Â
And maybe he would have said something too, if not for the waiter who returned at that precise moment.Â
âThe mushroom ravioli,â the waiter announced, setting the plate down in front of you, âand the amatriciana spaghetti. Enjoy.âÂ
Four pieces of pasta covered in sage butter looked back up at you.Â
You made a mental note to never order ravioli at an Italian restaurant ever again.Â
The sound of scraping utensils returned to your table, lightly blanketing the stilted pause in conversation with idle noise. Without much enthusiasm, you sliced at one of the four pieces of your ravioli, throwing what you hoped were sneaky glances at the full plate of spaghetti sitting in an appetising red sauce laid out before your ex-boyfriend.Â
âDo you want to try mine?â
Sneakiness had never been your forte.
Your polite refusal came quickly, even if it was rather weak to your own ears, but Jaehyun was already twirling a portion out onto the share plate the waiter had kindly provided a few minutes earlier. He made sure to scoop some sauce and pancetta bits on top as well, before gently pushing the plate towards you.Â
âThanks,â you mumbled, though you made no move to dig in.
Everything wasnât supposed to feel this familiar. You werenât supposed to soften so easily at the sight of his dimpled smile. You werenât supposed to feel that strange tug in your chest at his thoughtfulness, at the way he could still pick up the slightest change in your expression. And maybe the bar was too low, and here you were fawning over nothing more than the bare minimum, because what guy would see his date enviously looking at his food instead of her own and blatantly ignore it?
But with Jaehyun, it was different. You knew it was. Within every action, there was familiarity and practice, there was thought and care, there were years of history that were unerasable, even with the passage of time. You werenât the same wide-eyed teenagers now as you had been then, and yet scenes from the rest of that excruciating first semester flickered in your mind.Â
A silent breakdown during a business administration lecture. Your roommateâs concerned expression when you decided to skip dinner again.
The tug in your chest was leading you back into dangerous territory.Â
For the third time tonight, you debated grabbing your things and walking straight out. You had only promised Joy that you would stay until the mains came out. If you were going to leave now, technically, you would still have fulfilled your end of the promise. Arguably, this wasnât the best time to make an exit â fifteen minutes earlier would have been much better so that the kitchen would have time to cancel your stupid ravioli before they started preparing it. Leaving now wouldnât be the most optimal, but it was still an option. A tad heavy on the dramatics, but you could live with that. Youâd just never be able to step foot in this establishment again.
A shame. The spaghetti looked good. Youâd have to search up if this place did delivery.
âYou can go if you really want to, I wonât hold it against you,â Jaehyun said quietly. His eyes were fixed on the fork he was twirling through his dish. You supposed you shouldâve been surprised at the way he could read your mind without even looking at you, but you couldnât find the energy in you to pretend.
âBut,â he continued at your silence, âif youâre willing to stay, Iâd really like it if we could just catch up?â At this, he finally met your eyes and offered a small smile. âIt has been a while, after all.â
Maybe it was the sincerity contained in those soft brown eyes. Maybe it was because you really did want to try the amatriciana spaghetti while it was hot and fresh off the stove. Whatever it was, you found yourself resolving to stay, despite all the reasons not to, despite the sound of them loud and clear in your head, ready at your disposal. Allowing yourself to indulge in nostalgia once in a while couldnât be that bad for you. Right?Â
So you stayed. And you ate (his spicy amatriciana scored a landslide victory over your mushroom ravioli). And you talked. As two friends would do, catching each other up on the things that had shaped your lives since you had gone on your separate ways.Â
Conversation was clunky at first, that was to be expected. Even the closest of friendships would encounter some choppy waters when reconnecting for the first time after five years. But conversation with Jaehyun gave way to smooth sailing much quicker than you would have expected. He still wore the face of the boy who would sneak an extra serving of fried sweet potato from the cafeteria because he knew you liked them, but he wasnât quite the same. Older, certainly. Maturity wasnât something that went hand-in-hand with age like you had thought when you were younger, but he was more mature too. Surer of himself, and his place in the world.
You heard of the summer he spent in the UK after graduation, visiting his uncle and their family, appreciating classical architecture and the leisure inherent to rolling green hills that he hadnât been able to find in the metropolis he had grown up in. (The food, however, was an entirely different story. He had never been so overjoyed to see a bowl of rice that wasnât covered in mushy peas or sitting in a puddle of questionable-looking curry.)
He learned of your semester exchange in Amsterdam, including the unfortunate incident involving you, a runaway bicycle, and the freezing water of the Dutch canals. Fortunately, a nasty cold and two weeks in bed over the Christmas break were the worst things that came of it. Those few months had been eye-opening, to say the least. Stepping outside of your own bubble had made you realise how much more there was to the world, and how little you knew of it.
Yes, Jaehyun had changed, but then again so had you. The realisation dawned halfway through dessert, slowly settling over you as you spooned at the tiramisu in the centre of the table. Perhaps it hadnât been fair to him that you had been harbouring this seed of antagonism towards him for all these years. He, so afflicted by youth, as you both had been back then, was only doing what he thought was right and necessary. Could you really fault him for that? You had seen enough of life now to know that sometimes, nobody was to blame.
There was a comfortable lull in the conversation before he spoke again. The sound of his voice drew you away from the window, where you could see that the rain had slowed from the earlier dramatic downpour to a lighter shower.Â
âI know I probably wasnât who you were expecting today,â he said, a little hesitant and gauging your expression.
âYou definitely were not.â You gave him an amused half-smile over the rim of your barely-filled glass, which he returned. The bottle of merlot sat tall and empty on the table.
âI just wanted to say,â he began, taking in a breath, âIâm glad it was you. It was really nice to see you again. And Iâm sorry if you were disappointed that it was me.âÂ
There was something sad in the curve of his mouth, you thought. It tempered the warmth in his eyes.
âIâm not disappointed,â you heard yourself say. âReally.â
It was the truth. You knew he could see it written across your face. Dishonesty and insincere flattery were not familiar weapons you wielded. He knew that. He knew you.
Jaehyun sat back, bringing his own glass to his lips and draining the lingering contents. Perhaps to hide the private smile that broke out across his handsome face, which you pretended not to see, turning your attention back to the raindrops pattering against the window.Â
The evening air was cool on your bare arms when you stepped out, taking shelter under the awning in front of the restaurant. You werenât the only one who had forgone a weather app consultation today. Jaehyun stood beside you, hands tucked neatly in the pockets of his slacks, a not unwelcome companion while you waited for your taxi to arrive. Heâd call one later, after he made sure you had gotten in the car and were on the way home.
âI guess Iâll see you around?â he asked, tone light.Â
You cast a sidelong glance at him. His profile was backlit by the warm light emanating from inside the restaurant, carving out the straight bridge of his nose, a soft shadow cupping the fullness of his bottom lip. Would there ever be a time the sight of him wouldnât take your breath away?
âMaybe,â you breathed. Letting him back into your life wasnât a decision you felt ready to make yet, and you had no intention of promising him anything you couldnât be sure youâd be able to deliver. Even if you would only be promising him friendship.
He didnât push it further and hummed in understanding. Then your taxi was pulling up in front of the restaurant, the splash from the tyres just missing the hem of your trousers, and you were bidding him goodbye, staring a second too long at the dimples that appeared, and trying not to step in a pothole puddle as you clambered rather ungracefully into the car.Â
But because realisation was never punctual, it was only when you arrived home, carefully kicking off the black pumps and patting them dry with a microfibre cloth, that you realised two things.Â
First, you had left your cardigan at the Italian restaurant.
And second, Jaehyun had footed the whole bill.
There was a reason the seventh floor was your favourite floor in the building.
It wasnât because of the little in-office cafe with the cute but ridiculously overpriced pastries that tasted even better than they looked, or the deceptively comfortable bean bag chairs by the far window that would always tempt you with a mid-afternoon nap every time you sank into one of them.
No. The seventh floor was your favourite because it had a Nespresso machine. Free use. Company-funded.
A seventh floor coffee was one of the only things that could get you to leave the comfort of your desk and willingly walk up two flights of stairs. (The elevators always took too long.) On Monday afternoons like these, after an entire morning swimming through attendance and sick leave reports from the last quarter, the promise of a smooth and velvety cappuccino felt like your only hope for humanity. Unfortunately for you, it seemed like everybody else had the same idea, if the line in front of the coffee machine was anything to judge by.Â
âYou should have told me!â
You gave Joy an incredulous look. âRight. Because I definitely knew exactly who he was.â
âWell, you could have worked it out. Youâre a smart girl.â
âYou said a total of three sentences about him.â
She paused, fixing you with a contemplative stare. Her eyebrows were doing that weird lifting thing when she was running something through her head. âFive sentences,â she finally managed, tapping around the rim of her empty mug.Â
Why she came up with you at all when she wasnât a coffee person, would probably take two sips of the espresso, and then complain it was too bitter, was beyond you. Sometimes you wondered if she was really that good at her job, or if her workload was just so non-existent that she could take five coffee breaks a day. It couldnât be the latter, because you had seen that her calendar was full for the entire morning.
âLetâs not spend the next fifteen minutes talking about last Friday,â you sighed, already pushing thoughts of dimpled smiles and warm eyes to the far corner of your mind. Hopefully not to be revisited for a while. âI want my head outrageously blank while I enjoy this cappuccino. Swear to god Junmyeon is trying to drown me with those leave reports.â
âYou know he only assigns them to you because youâve never told him you hate doing it.â
âHe assigns them to me because Iâm the only one available who can get it done properly. Youâre always blocked out, and Jungwoo has that weekly coaching session. Jisung tried to help me do it this morning, and he didnât even separate paid from unpaid leave. The numbers looked like we were bleeding PTO.â
She gave you a sly smile. âYou know you can block yourself out too,â she said off-handedly.Â
âYou can what?â
This was new information.
âYouâre telling me someone else could be sifting through that 70-page file if I just schedule in a random meeting with myself?â you asked again, to which she nodded.
âHas yet to fail me. But make sure you name it something that makes sense, and donât do it all the time, otherwise itâll look suspicious.â
Corporate bullshitting was a fine art, and you were beginning to realise you were still but a novice at it.Â
âAnd lay off the intern,â she added. âHeâs just a child.â âHeâs taller than Junmyeon.â
âA child in spirit, then. You know what I mean. He sort of reminds me of a cute little mouse,â she mused, trailing off. If her apartment complex didnât have a pet ban, you had a feeling she would be taking in every stray animal off the street.
However, she was right. Jisung had been a bigger help than you had expected of a second-year commerce student. Even if it was just skimming through a finished presentation pack to fix up any typos and align text boxes, you couldnât deny that having an extra pair of eyes and hands had made your life a little bit easier. Maybe you would even miss him once his summer placement came to an end and the semester rolled back around. As long as there werenât too many more incidents like the one from this morning.
Speaking of this morningâŚ
âHey, does that mean youâve been making yourself unavailable so you donât have to read theââ
âOh look! The lineâs getting shorter. You should move up before someone cuts in.â
You shuffled forward, but not without throwing her a displeased look along with a grumble or two. Next time the quarterly attendance analysis rolled around, you were definitely making use of the trick she had just told you about. A quick glance up ahead. There were now three people in front of you in the line, but only one green capsule left on the rack.Â
Please, caffeine gods be willing, let that last one be yours. Â
âI canât believe I told you that I thought your ex-boyfriend was super fucking hot. I feel so icky, like Iâve betrayed you somehow,â Joy said, making a face. The dimpled smile fought its way back into your consciousness, and you suppressed the twist in your stomach that seemed to accompany every recollection of it.Â
âItâs honestly fine. Thereâs no way you could have known.â You shrugged, partly to reassure her it wasnât a big deal, and partly to shake off that funny feeling in the pit of your stomach.
The better part of your weekend had been spent trying to make sense of the night, after battling a merlot-induced migraine for most of Saturday morning and early afternoon. Three glasses had been a necessity to get through dinner, but it was ultimately overkill. You were no longer the girl from two years ago who took advantage of her afternoon class the next day by destroying a few soju bottles with your roommates. On a weeknight, too.
Joy gave your arm a soft squeeze. âStill, Iâm sorry I put you through that. Hopefully it wasnât completely awful?â
Completely awful, it was not. Awful at some parts? Maybe.Â
Truthfully, you hadnât been prepared to see Jaehyun again. Not to say that you had never thought about it â you definitely had, running simulations through your head about how you would run into him on the street, ignore his greeting and walk past him like he didnât even exist. But those were the musings of a heart-broken teenager, turning to spite and cheap endeavours at revenge to cope with the loss of her first love. Last Friday did have spite rearing its ugly head, but that spite was short-lived, and only one aspect that made up the whirlwind of emotions that came with seeing him again after all those years.Â
âNo, it wasnât all bad,â you were about to say, when your eye was suddenly caught by a movement up ahead.Â
A slender, veiny hand reached out to grab the last green pod from the coffee rack. You watched as the thiefâs fingers closed around the capsule and slotted it into the machine. He pressed the lever down â because of course, it was a man. Not only was he on the better side of the gender wage gap, but he also had to be ahead of you in the caffeine race as well.
The sound of the capsule being punctured was the final blow.Â
âMy coffee,â you lamented under your breath.
âHave some patience,â Joy chided. âWeâre nearly there. Youâre like a zombie when you donât have your little cup of bean juice.â
You shook your head glumly. âThe last Peruvian. I waited for so long. It was supposed to be mine, and he took it.âÂ
âWho did?â
âThe guy at the front.âÂ
Your eyes were still glued on the hand as it wrapped around the mug filled with your favourite blend, completely unaware that it had just robbed you of the only small pocket of joy you had been looking forward to all afternoon. Peering around the two people still ahead, your gaze travelled up his exposed forearm and the sleeve of the white dress shirt cuffed there. If only you could catch a glimpse of the face that had stomped all over your hopes and dreamsâŚÂ
The lady in front of you shuffled closer to the coffee machine and finally cleared your line of sight. Coffee stealerâs ear came into view before his face did, and he wasâ
âJaehyun?â
His name fell out of Joyâs mouth before you could even get your own to start working again and beg her not to call out to him. For a moment you were afraid you had conjured him out of thin air from the uninvited thoughts of him circling the outskirts of your mind. At least now you knew he wasnât a hallucination.
Jaehyunâs eyebrows pinched in confusion first, then surprise, before finally smoothing over with recognition. He offered a small wave, eyes flitting from Joy over to you, and then he was walking over, and you were fighting for your life trying to mask the panic that was bubbling away inside your chest.
You shot Joy a frantic look. Why did you do that?
I donât know! Sorry, said her returning one. The corners of her mouth were turned down in an apologetic frown, but she quickly schooled it into a smile at Jaehyunâs approach.
âIâve never seen you on seven before,â Joy said, the spitting image of friendliness, nevermind that you were beside her and desperately looking for an exit out of the incoming conversation. âYouâre always holed up somewhere on ten.â
You supposed you should have known this would happen sooner or later. Six months without running into each other when you worked at the same company, in the same building, was the exception, not the rule. You were just grateful Joy didnât try to bring up her clever little dinner setup that had been plaguing you the entire weekend, or try and rope the two of you into awkward and unnecessary introductions.
âSomeone told me I should come down and try the Nespresso machine. Apparently itâs really good,â he said, gesturing at the mug you had been staring at for the past three minutes.
âIt is,â were the first two words you managed. Both pairs of eyes shifted towards you, waiting for the rest of your comment to come, but you could only disappoint, the syllables hanging thick and dumb in the air.Â
There appeared to be some sort of blockage in your mouth-to-brain pipeline.
Joy cleared her throat lightly, throwing you a sideways glance. âWhich one did you try? They all taste the same to me, but she only drinks the green ones,â she said, ignoring the panicked twitch of your mouth. She knew full well that he was the one youâd been staring daggers into ever since he grabbed that stupid capsule. Your stupid capsule.
Jaehyunâs eyes flicked between your face and the steaming drink in his hand a few times.
âDo you want mine? I think I might have taken the last green one.â He offered the mug to you. âI didnât really know what to press, so itâs just a cappuccino. Regular milk. I havenât had any yet.â
âItâs fine, you should have yours. Iâll get another one,â you politely declined. No matter how much you liked the Peruvian blend, it was not worth the charity from your ex-boyfriend. Even if it was the only thing that could get you through the rest of the afternoon. Even if he was holding the exact thing that you had been planning on getting.Â
Hopefully the kitchen staff would restock those capsules by tomorrow.
The look he gave you was not a convinced one, but he didnât push further. With your dismissal of his offer, the three of you lapsed into a sticky silence. Even Joy, who was so adept at making topics of conversation out of nothing, had little to add, passing up the challenge of pulling meaningful sentences out of your mouth. The stifling tension between you and Jaehyun must have been more powerful than you thought.Â
âShoot, I think Iâm getting a Teams call,â Joy suddenly said, making a show of pulling her phone out and tapping the screen.Â
Liar. She didnât even have the app notifications turned on.Â
âI should probably take this, but Iâll see the both of you later.â She flashed a contrite smile, and then she was off, almost speed-walking her way down the stairs you had come up together, all the while pressing her phone to her ear with a little too much urgency for a mid-afternoon cold call. By the look on Jaehyunâs face, he hadnât been all that impressed by her impromptu theatrics either.
âAre you still in the line?â
âSorry, yes,â you muttered at the woman behind you. Clearly, you were not the only one impatient for their caffeine fix.Â
Finally, you were at the counter. You stared blankly at the rack of capsules. The empty space where the green ones were usually stored was glaringly obvious, jumping out at you while you skimmed through the other blends for a passable alternative. After many more seconds than would have been necessary to pick one flavour out of the remaining three, your fingers closed around a gold one. It would have to do for today.Â
Jaehyun watched as you dropped the capsule into its slot and made your selections. Why he was still here with you was somewhat of a mystery. You wouldâve thought that Joyâs hasty exit would have prompted him to do the same, saving the both of you from having to make bumbling small talk about the weather, or the weekend, or whatever else that two people working at the same company, with no other relational history, could talk about to fill in the silence.
Maybe he wanted to talk about the dinner bill. The fact that he had settled it, without you even noticing, had been weighing on your mind. It was less of a money thing â though you were pretty sure the total hadnât been a modest number â than a pride thing. Being indebted to others always left a smear on your conscience.Â
Being indebted to your ex-boyfriend was like someone had shit all over it.
Whatever. If he didnât bring it up first, you would. This was the 21st century. You were both financially independent adults. Splitting the bill on a first date didnât have to be such a contentious thing.Â
Although technically, it was far from your first. And it wasnât a date either, because you had refused to label it as such in your head.
The last few drops of milk and espresso trickled into the mug, before the machine stopped whirring altogether. You knew he was still there. You could feel his presence behind you. He had probably been waiting for the noise to stop so that youâd be able to hear him speak. Taking your mug off the stand, you turned to face him.Â
âYour cardigan,â he said.
âHuh?â
Confusion splashed over you. You werenât even wearing one today.
âI have your cardigan,â he amended. âFrom Friday. You left it inside the restaurant. One of the waiters brought it out, but you had left already, so I took it with me.â He scratched the back of his neck. âI have it now, if you want it back.â
âYou do?âÂ
âI mean, itâs at my desk. I brought it in today,â he added quickly, seeing the way you were looking about his person like you were expecting it to materialise into his hands.
You blinked a few times, trying to clear the brain fog that had decided now was the perfect time to strike. âYes, Iâthank you, um, for that. I can take it off youâŚ?âÂ
Had you meant to have it sound so much like a question? It seemed like your capacity for human speech was always afflicted by some sort of malfunction in his presence.
âOkay, uh, do you want to come up to my desk? Iâve got it there.â
The elevator ride up to the tenth floor was a short one. You could have taken the stairs just to get the extra steps in, but with both of you holding uncovered drinks, three flights of stairs combined with your clumsy fingers were a slip hazard just waiting to happen. Still, despite the short journey, the seconds inside the elevator seemed to drag on for much longer.
Before you could lose your nerve, you opened your mouth to crack the silence.Â
âLet me pay you back for dinner.âÂ
Good. It sounded good. Firm, but not overbearing. Hell yeah, you were getting the hang of this conversation-with-your-ex-boyfriend thing.Â
Jaehyun seemed a bit taken aback by that, turning to you slightly with surprise woven into the crease of his brow. âYou really donât need to do that,â he said after a beat.
The elevator dinged, and he stepped out through the sliding doors before you could form a coherent response. It took a second for you to follow, the coffee inside your mug almost making a dangerous appearance all over the elevator floor as you caught up with his strides.Â
âThink of it as me taking care of a junior colleague. I am your senior, you know,â he said over his shoulder, a smile gracing his features at the latter part.
âOnly by half a year,â you grumbled. âThat doesnât even count.â The light shake of his broad shoulders let you know he had heard your gripes over his attempts at enforcing seniority. His accompanying laugh was a soft one. You barely caught it above the noise of the tenth floor office.
The mellowed cosiness of the fifth floor HR department was hard to be found here. You were used to some chatter, with the occasional high-pitched laugh from Joy punctuating the air. On days he was feeling particularly jovial, Junmyeon could be heard humming from whichever desk he had decided to park at for the day (such was the beauty of hot-desking and hotelling). The few occasions you shared a table with him had allowed you to recognise the melody of The Beatlesâ Strawberry Fields Forever â always the same song, and he hummed everything except for the words âstrawberry fieldsâ, which he insisted on singing, albeit softly.
Nothing about Digital was soft or cosy. Except maybe the sofa in one of the open creative spaces. The floor buzzed with activity, from the influx of incoming call ringtones to agenda-packed meetings in conference rooms. A group of people were clustered around a floor-to-ceiling whiteboard covered in diagrams that were undecipherable to you, engaged in animated conversation while pointing at various parts of the board. Some of them greeted Jaehyun as he walked past with you in tow.
âI had no idea Digital was this busy,â you mused out loud, following him as he weaved through the desks.
He chuckled lightly. âWe like to talk a lot. And some of us can get a bit loud,â he said. The joking undercurrent to his voice had you thinking that the second part was said with someone in mind. âBut itâs more hectic than usual. Weâve just won a really big bid and Johnnyâs excited about his first time leading one of the streams.â He paused to wave and give a thumbs-up at the man standing at the very front of the whiteboard group (you assumed this was Johnny), who returned the greetings with just as much enthusiasm.Â
Jaehyun had always been a people person. That was one thing that would likely never change.
The two of you arrived at his desk, a quieter one next to the windows offering an almost unobstructed view of the city. He dug around his workspace, pulling out a Jo Malone gift bag.Â
âIgnore the bag,â he said, catching your wary expression. âI didnât want to stuff it in my duffel with the rest of my gym stuff.âÂ
You took it from his outstretched hand, with a quick glance to check that it was in fact your cardigan. The ribbed black fabric sat inside, folded neatly over itself.Â
âIt got rained on quite a bit, so I washed it. I hope thatâs okay.â
âOf course, thatâs kind of you, Jaehyun. You didnât have to.â For a moment, you wondered if he still used the same pine-scented laundry detergent. The smell of it used to cling to his school uniform, a burst of freshness you always sought during the muggy summer days.
âThank you,â you said, giving him a grateful smile. âI thought I lost it for good.â In your mind, you had already made peace with the fact that you would probably see the thing ever again. Yet all weekend, it had been taking up space in Jaehyunâs hamper, uncertain as to when it would finally be able to reunite with your closet.
You gave him a careful look.Â
âDid you plan on seeing me today?â you asked.Â
âNo. Yes. I meanââ The tips of his ears took on the faintest hint of a pink flush. âI didnât know if I would run into you, so Iâm glad I did. But otherwise, I was just going to give it to Joy and get her to pass it along to you,â he trailed off, gaze shifting sideways to the cityscape posted on the other side of the glass windows.Â
Neither of you had bothered with exchanging contact details after dinner, an oversight that was more deliberate than not on your part. His re-entry into your life was something you hadnât felt quite ready for. And yetâ
âDo you want my number?â
Stupid mouth. The words were out before you even registered that you had spoken. You prayed he wouldnât pick up on the unintended suggestion of the question, though judging by the quick raise of his left eyebrow, you werenât the only one who realised the other possible interpretations of your words.Â
âI mean, just in case something like this happens again. So you can contact me directly,â you added quickly. Heat slowly crept its way up to your cheeks. You hoped he wouldnât notice.
âSure,â he said, lips curling into a smile. âIf thatâs okay with you.âÂ
Considering you were the one who had said it out loud in the first place, it would have been strange if you suddenly decided it was not okay with you.
There was some fumbling with each otherâs phones, before you were typing your number to add into his contacts, and he was doing the same to yours. Would he realise yours was still the same string of digits as it had been five years ago?
âWell, Iâd better get going,â you said, handing back his phone. Now was as good a time to make an easy exit as any. You had planned on gossiping with Joy in the level seven kitchen for the rest of the hour, but back to your desk appeared to be the more likely destination this afternoon. 70-page files didnât read themselves. âThanks for the cardigan. Iâll see you later, then?â
Jaehyun looked like he had more to say, but you were already turning around, ready to leave the hubbub of the tenth floor. Ready to leave the presence of your ex-boyfriend-turned-friend? Acquaintance? You shook your head lightly. A drink was needed to unpack that box of worms.
A call of your name had you pausing mid-step.
âYour coffee,â Jaehyun said, tapping you on the shoulder to hand you your mug.Â
âThanks,â you mumbled, taking it from his grasp. You hadnât even bothered to take a sip of the non-Peruvian cappuccino, the surface still untouched. It was probably cold now. Maybe youâd pass it off to Jungwoo, this time sans the salt.
âYou know, if the dinner bill thing bothers you that much, you can just make it up to me later.â
You blinked at him a few times. âMake it up to you how?â
âAh, thatâs for me to decide,â he replied, a boyish glint to his smiling eyes. Both his dimples popped out, and you found yourself unable to choose which one to focus on.Â
Then he was moving, and you were left staring at the broad expanse of his back as he walked away. Head full of thoughts wondering what the hell kind of favour he would now hold over your head, you almost walked straight into Jungwoo as you came out of the elevator.
âHey, I got a Nespresso from seven. You want it?â you asked, offering him the coffee you stopped yourself from spilling all over him. He eyed the mug apprehensively.
âYou put salt in it again, didnât you?â
âNo? Where did you even get that from? Hang on, how do you know it was me?â
Jungwoo sucked in a breath through his teeth. âSo it was you! I knew it! You know, you really are a scary woman,â he grumbled. âWho ever would have thought an evil spirit lurked behind such a kind face?â
âSo thatâs a no to the coffee?â
âI donât trust you anymore, so no.â
âSuit yourself,â you shrugged, making your way back to your desk. The attendance reports stared back at you as you logged into the monitor, drawing a sigh out of you. You took a sip of the coffee.
And frowned.
You brought the mug to your mouth again. Like the first sip, the second was also lukewarm. But like the first sip, the second also tasted exactly the same as your usual Peruvian blend. Maybe there really was no difference between all the different coloured capsules, you thought, skimming through page 33 of the file.
That thing about realisation never being on time? Still true.
On the subway ride home, gripping the handle with all your might while sandwiched between two middle-aged men in stuffy suits, it dawned on you.
Jaehyun had given you his coffee instead.
âThanks everyone for dialling in today. Weâll chat soon.â
The screen reverted back to its default background as the call ended, and you let out a sound somewhere in between a groan and a whimper. Junmyeon did not look to be faring any better, head in his hands while his elbows rested on the meeting room table.
âCan somebody please tell Jackson and the rest of the Marketing heads that Summer Fridays doesnât mean they can just take Fridays completely off?â he groaned, the sounds escaping through the gaps in his fingers. âOur absenteeism looks like itâs at an all time high. Nayeon, youâre friendly with him, arenât you?â
The girl pressed at her temples. âI mean, we were in the same advertising and PR club back in university, if that counts for anything. But yeah, Iâll schedule some time with him and go over it.â
âGreat, thank you,â Junmyeon sighed, throwing his head back. âAlright, Iâll send around a debrief email later this afternoon. Thanks everyone for your time.â
You didnât have to be told twice. A second later and you were out of the eighth floor Marketing meeting room, already on your way to the Nespresso machine downstairs. Another coffee at 4pm was slightly pushing it, but you needed a pick-me-up urgently to wash away the gruelling two hours spent going through company policy with Marketing.
The buzz of your phone was a momentary distraction from your mission.Â
It was a message from Jaehyun. Something silly in response to a text you had sent earlier in the day.Â
jaehyun [04:07 pm]: in dire need of a fake mango right now jaehyun [04:07 pm]: mmm fake mango milkshake
The smile that crept up onto your face was almost like a reflex in the way it couldnât be helped.
Now that you were acquainted again, it was like you saw him everywhere. How you had managed to completely avoid each other for the last half a year or so was a fascinating mystery. Some mornings youâd run into him in the building lobby. Heâd hold the elevator doors open for you, and youâd exchange pleasantries on the ride up to the fifth floor, where youâd get off and bid him goodbye, or see you later. And see him later you did. Whether it was at the seventh floor coffee machine, or in line at the cafeteria on twelve, the sight of his face had become a nice interruption to the hours spent at a monitor, or in a call like the one you had just escaped.
He would come down to the fifth floor sometimes, stopping by Joyâs desk or yours to say hello and have a chat if you werenât busy. You found yourself wishing he would spend less time with Joy than he did with you â not because you wanted to see him more (because that was absolutely not the reason at all), but because he was steadily gaining a lead over you in the Joy friendship competition. The three of you had spent a few lunch breaks at the cafeteria together, granted that your schedules matched, with an odd appearance from Jungwoo every now and again.
You saw more of Johnny (loud) and Mark (louder), Jaehyunâs friends from Digital who youâd normally hear before youâd see them. Johnny was his âbeloved coffee mateâ (Jaehyunâs exact words) and possibly the only other person in the building who cared about the green Peruvian capsules as much as you did. Mark was⌠Mark, for lack of a better description. There was nobody the boy couldnât strike a conversation with. If he really needed to, you suspected he could probably get along with a wet paper towel.Â
You had been offered an invitation to join the three of them for one of their weekly lunches outside the company building. Johnny was more than happy to let you know he was somewhat of an expert at finding the hottest eats in the area, having put half his floor onto the cold noodle place he had sought out at the start of the month. And laugh as you had when he proudly told you about it, Johnnyâs influence was no joke. News of the restaurant had somehow trickled its way down to HR, with Junmyeon just the other day asking around the team if anyone had tried the place before.Â
Perhaps youâd join them next week. It was always nice to be ahead of the trend.Â
You arrived at the seventh floor kitchen and sighed. The rack was out of green capsules again. Although, maybe that was to be expected. It was nearing the end of the day, and the gold capsules were finished too. So much for a 4pm pick-me-up, you thought, though it might have been for the better â too much caffeine in one day always made you a bit antsy and had your resting heart rate up in the high 80s.Â
With empty hands and a pout on your lips, you made your way back to the fifth floor.Â
Joyâs eyes were glued to her screen when you walked past her. âJaehyun stopped by while you were in that Marketing call,â she said without looking at you, squinting at a spreadsheet.Â
âDid he?â you replied, trying your best at nonchalance despite the little flip of your stomach.Â
âAre you talking about her handsome friend from Digital?â Jungwoo peered around the table with a playful grin on his face.Â
You were back on good terms now, thanks to your promise to pay for his lunch from the cafeteria for a whole week to make up for the coffee incident. The look in his eyes right now had you thinking life was better that week where he had been afraid of you.
âYeah, thatâs the one,â Joy said distractedly in between clicks of her keyboard. âJisung, can you just double check these numbers for me? Iâm in the second tab of the Excel file.âÂ
The intern was quick to comply. You had a feeling she was his favourite senior.Â
âAnyways, I think he left you something.â
You made your way over to your desk, ignoring Jungwooâs oohs and ahs. Sure enough, there was something sitting next to your diary and the three empty glasses you hadnât had the chance to rinse out yet.
It was a coffee capsule. Specifically, it was a green coffee capsule.Â
There was a sticky note stuck to the back of it, which you turned around to read. His handwriting was still identical to that of the silly little notes he used to leave in the margins of your home economics workbook.Â
saved this last one from johnnyâs clutches. enjoy ^.^
Despite the jitters from the end-of-day caffeine fix, you smiled the whole way home.
âIâve found a way you can make it up to me.â
You pulled the phone away from your ear to check the screen. 9:34 am. The Saturday morning still had you in its clutches, and it took a few seconds to process the sounds you were hearing.Â
âWho is this?â you croaked, sleep lacing your voice.Â
âItâs Jaehyun.âÂ
You sat up a little straighter against the pillows. âJaehyun?â you echoed.Â
âYes, itâs me. Do you not check the caller ID before you answer?â
You grumbled something about it being too early on the weekend to have your head screwed on properly, to which he laughed, a vivid sound even through the phone.Â
âDo you have plans later today?â
You hesitated. Technically, no, unless a hot date with Netflix and whatever leftover snacks you could find in your pantry counted as plans. You were due for a grocery trip soon. The three eggs and single sprig of spring onion in your fridge would not last for long. Cooking had never been something you enjoyed, especially not after a full work day, and yet living alone required so much of it. You didnât want to make up a non-existent dinner reservation, partly because you knew heâd be able to tell the untruth just by listening to your voice, and partly because something unpleasant niggled at your insides at the thought of lying just to avoid him. Â
âWhy, whatâs up?â you asked instead.
âWell, you know that jazz festival?â You gave an affirmative hum. âI have tickets for today. Mark and I were supposed to go together, but he just called me saying he canât make it. Something about a leak in his apartment from all the rain. SoâŚâ
You stifled a yawn. âSo?â Your brain was still trying to catch up with the land of the awake and living.Â
âCome with me?â
The words took a while and a few blinks to register. When they did, your first instinct was to say no. Jaehyun was fine in small doses. A quick chat over coffee, sporadic texts throughout the day, conversation within the safety of a group setting â these were all fine. Manageable. Nice, even. But Jaehyun in the flesh, outside of the office, with nobody else around to buffer the strange sort of tension that seemed to always thrum between the two of you â that was an entirely different ball game altogether. Sometimes, a mere run-in was enough to have your heart going a little faster than usual, nerves lighting up at the unexpected sight of his face.Â
âI am not above begging. Please donât make me go to this thing by myself.â
And yet, there was a flicker of something pleasant and sweet, something akin to excitement that curbed the nervous flutter in your gut. You were fifteen again, waiting outside the movie theatre, a little too giddy at the thought of spending time with the boy whose sweet smile had become the cause of your stomach somersaults. And that was before you had even admitted to yourself that you liked him, as more than a friend.Â
âWhat time is it?â you found yourself asking.
So maybe you were seriously considering it. You had been meaning to put that new film camera to use. The thing had been collecting dust in one of your drawers ever since you bought it on a whim one night scrolling through Pinterest. Somehow, the rows of tables and monitors in the office didnât seem like the most interesting camera subjects compared to the scenes of concerts and beach bonfires that had driven your impulsive purchase.Â
âWell, the doors open at 11, but the first performer is at 12. And Lauvâs set isnât until later in the evening.â
âLauv is performing?â Your voice had gone up almost an octave, but you couldnât care enough to be embarrassed. This was a crucial piece of information. Now you had to be there.Â
He laughed. âSo is that a yes?â
âYes. Yes, itâs a yes.â The covers were flipped off your legs in an instant.
It wasnât that Jaehyun looked bad in slacks and a dress shirt. That was not the case at all. But you had grown used to them on him over the last few weeks, and the sight of his long legs in a pair of well-fitting trousers no longer caused a spike in your heart rate.Â
Jaehyun in casual clothes outside the office was uncharted territory.Â
The midday sun was strong outside the subway station. Clad in a black graphic tee over a pair of baggy green cargos, Jaehyun stood idly at the entrance, face hidden by the brown baseball cap on his head and eyes trained on his phone. How someone could look so gorgeous in something so ordinary was a secret only he knew the truth of. He caught sight of you from across the road, waiting for the pedestrian light, and raised his hand in a wave.Â
âItâs different seeing you out of your work clothes,â he said.Â
âDifferent good or different bad?â
A soft smile grazed his lips. âJust different. You look younger.â
âSo do you,â you replied.Â
You look like the boy I was in love with all those years ago.Â
âDid you taxi?â
âNo, I took the bus. Thereâs one that goes straight from my building. I didnât know you lived around here,â you mused to yourself.
âMy place is really close.â He pointed somewhere behind him. âFive minutes that way, tops. You should come over sometime.â
A slight pause. Jaehyunâs eyes flitted down to the pavement. You werenât sure if the heat in your cheeks was from the sun or something else entirely.Â
âAnyway,â he cleared his throat, âwe should probably go. It takes 40 minutes to get there, so if we leave now we should be able to catch the 1pm.â
The subway on the weekend was nowhere near as awful as it usually was during the weekday rush hours, but packed nonetheless. You definitely preferred being stuck in a carriage full of bright-eyed and chattering teenagers than the usual crowd of solemn-faced office workers. When a seat finally freed up, Jaehyun was quick to offer it to you, manoeuvring himself so that he could stand in front of you as you sat down. Toe to toe, the tips of his shoes grazed yours, and you were suddenly reminded of study periods at the library. The two of you could never agree on who first started the game of footsie under the desk.
âSee those girls over there?â you asked quietly, nodding towards a group of likely high schoolers down the other end of the carriage. Jaehyun turned his head to follow your gaze, catching sight of the girls who immediately erupted in whispers and giggles upon making eye contact with him. âTheyâve been staring at you for the last two stops.â
He was quick to turn back towards you, nose scrunching and slightly embarrassed. âKids these days are so weird,â he said with a soft groan. âWhy are they doing that?â
âYou know theyâre only staring because youâre handsome.âÂ
Despite the pinkness of his ears, he was smiling wide. âYou think Iâm handsome?â
You blinked up at him. âI didnât say that.â Did I? âI meant they probably think youâre handsome. Which is why theyâre staring. You know. Itâs nice to look at good-looking people.âÂ
The rushed explanations did nothing to shake the feeling that you had slipped-up somehow, and he had caught it. Jaehyunâs dimples only deepened at your backtracking.
âYou know what I mean,â you finally huffed, biting back a smile at the deep sound of his responding laugh. âWhatever. I think this is our stop.â
The festival couldnât have picked a better day to be held. The skies were clear and blue, and the air carried a light breeze that provided a welcome relief from the heavy stickiness of midsummer. It was a nice change from the sporadic rainstorms that had plagued the city over the last two weeks or so. Markâs leaking apartment was proof of the temperamental weather. If you had one bone to pick, the sun was a tad strong, but that was to be expected. You had come prepared, tugging the bucket hat down further to cover your face.Â
Alaina Castilloâs set was well underway by the time you and Jaehyun made your way into the venue grounds. A decent amount of people had already arrived, trickling in to fill up the gated area in front of the main stage. The two of you filed in with the rest, finding a place towards the back of the growing crowd where there was ample room to breathe without inhaling someone elseâs breath.Â
You had never been one for being stuck in a swarm of people. A harsh reminder of why that was the case appeared when, out of nowhere, a strangerâs elbow dug into your arm, knocking you sideways in their determined path towards the barricade.Â
The steadying hand around your shoulder was instantaneous.Â
âAre you okay?â Jaehyun asked, and you mumbled something affirmative in reply, trying not to dwell too much on the warmth of his skin on your bare arm. His eyes followed the stranger who was still pushing on through the crowd in front. âPeople really need to watch where theyâre going,â he muttered, brows drawn together in a frown.
The rest of the afternoon proceeded more smoothly. It was a little unsettling how normal and nice everything felt. Jaehyun kept close to you for the sets that followed, the distance between the two of you gradually shrinking as the crowd grew in size. The occasional brush of your forearms as you moved to the music was no longer something to jump at like you had the first time it had happened. You managed to snap a few pictures on your almost-new film camera, mostly of the artist performing, but there was one of you in there somewhere amidst the stage shots, taken by an insistent and smiley Jaehyun during one of the set breaks.Â
âSo this is why you wanted someone to come with you,â you said, sliding onto the bench and passing him one of the burgers from the food truck.
âItâs so much more efficient when you can line up for two things at once. If I was by myself, Iâd either wait for the beer and let my burger get soggy, or wait for the burger and let my beer get warm and flat. This way the food is fresh, and our drinks are ice cold out of the fridge.â
You cracked a smile. âAnd here I thought you called me because you enjoyed my company.â
âI do enjoy your company,â he said without missing a beat. âThe other stuff is just an added plus.â
You took a sip of the cold beer, hoping it would stave off the quick flush of your cheeks. Jaehyun said things so easily. Too easily. It was harder and harder to adhere to that invisible boundary you had been so adamant on protecting.Â
Why were you so reluctant to let him back in? Why all the walls? He made it too easy for thoughts like that to creep in and loiter in the back of your mind.Â
Evening had begun to settle, the brightness of the midday sky fading away to a twinkling twilight blue over your heads. The music was quieter at the picnic tables by the tents, where festival-goers sought respite from the main stage crowds with a cold beverage and something greasy. Between mouthfuls of an early makeshift dinner, you and Jaehyun sat in your own bubble, comfortably falling into conversation about the performances throughout the day, or whatever else happened to be on your minds. Â
âYour mouth opens so wide,â you said, watching as he all but inhaled half the burger in one go. His nose scrunched up as he tried to take the massive bite, and the sight of it was such a far cry from his usual cool guy image that you couldnât pass up the opportunity to snap a picture of it. The click of the shutter had him looking up at you mid-chew with a dismayed expression.
âThatâs not fair. You attacked when I wasnât ready!â
âIâd hardly call that an attack,â you said, not without a smile. âI was just getting a candid.â
He wiped his fingers on the napkin. âOkay, my turn then,â he said, gesturing for you to hand the camera over. You obliged, letting him point the lens at you and fiddle with the knobs along the top. His slender fingers navigated the controls with a practised ease.
âRelax,â he added softly, noticing your fidgeting. Twenty-something years, and you had made little progress in mastering the art of posing for photos. âPretend the cameraâs not here, and itâs just you and me.â
Right. Like that was supposed to make you loosen up.
âI actually used to be really into photography. Got pretty good at it too,â he said.
âReally? I donât remember that.â
âPicked it up in uni,â he explained. âHad all this free time on my hands and didnât know what to do with it. Besides drinking.â A pause. âHonestly, first year second semester was pretty rough after⌠you know.â
The last part caught you somewhat off-guard. After that fateful April night, you had always assumed Jaehyun was off living his best life, blowing through society events with the new friends he had made, maybe even letting a few of them warm his bed now that you werenât around. It wouldnât have been the biggest surprise. Even at nineteen, Jaehyunâs good looks were uncontested. His sweet and attentive personality was the cherry on top of an already delectable cake. Whatever he got up to when the sun set, you were none the wiser, having completely wiped his existence from your phone by the time your first semester exam period rolled around.Â
Though you didnât go as far as to block his number, he never reached out, and so Jeong Jaehyun became a relic of the past, embracing his newfound freedom now that he had shed himself of you, his unwanted baggage.
Or so you thought.
âBut yeah,â he continued, âI started getting into photography. Burnt a hole in my wallet trying out a bunch of different cameras,â he said with a chuckle. âI liked film the most though, I think. Itâs the only one I still use now.âÂ
âWhat do you like about it?â
He took a moment, pausing in thought. âThe colours, mostly. How itâs a bit muted, it has that vintage feeling.â You hummed in agreement. âSelfies on a film camera are fun as well.â
âYou must really like looking at yourself,â you teased, enjoying the sight of his ears flushing with colour from where they poked out above the camera.
âNot like that,â he said in reply to the raise of your eyebrows. âItâs more like⌠when you take a selfie on film, you canât see yourself, right? Whether the focus is focusing, or if the angle is right.
âOr if your whole face is actually in the shot, not just your right eye.â
âExactly. But then taking the picture anyway. Thatâs what I like.â He pulled away from the camera to flash you a small smile. âIsnât it funny, the way we try so hard to capture moments of time?â
Jaehyunâs attention returned to the viewfinder, leaving you to quietly dwell on his words. How else could one keep a piece of time stored away if not through photos? And yet, photography would never be able to capture the entirety of a moment the way a memory could. The sound of the bandâs bass guitar from the side stage in the adjacent garden. The smell of summer carried by the evening breeze as it ruffled through his hair.
The warm feeling in your chest as you sat across from him at this wooden picnic bench, surrounded by people, sharing wistful conversation and a basket of fries.Â
The feeling of coming home.
The shutter clicked.
âGot it. That last one is going to turn out so nice.â Jaehyun smiled triumphantly, cheeks dimpling. âIf you make this your profile picture you have to add the âphoto byâ. I need my credits.â
You blinked away the precarious thoughts. âAlright, mister photographer man, give it back now. Donât use up all my film before Lauv.â
He handed the camera back to you, looking very pleased with himself. The light from the nearby tents cast a dusky glow over his face. Jaehyun from Digital was sharp and polished. The Jaehyun before you now, with his hair dishevelled from taking off the cap earlier, was softer, more open, and more subtle in the way he had slipped under your defences and picked the locks chained around your heart.Â
The question now was whether youâd let him in further than you already had.
He tugged at his collar. âGod, itâs still muggy at night, isnât it?âÂ
âYou stay here, Iâll get us some more beers,â you said, already standing up.
If anything, you were grateful for the errand, a welcome distraction from the tumultuous battle between your heart and your head that always forged on at any thought of him. The line for the bar was no shorter than it had been half an hour ago, to nobodyâs surprise (this was a festival in Seoul, of course the queues would be severe) and it was a while before the two cold plastic cups were in your hands.Â
The short time away from him had given you the space to steer your mindset back onto the charted platonic course. A little voice in the back of your mind objected, and was making a damn convincing argument about why you should be more inclined to go beyond plain friendship with Jaehyun, but you chose to ignore it, suppressing the nagging with a deep breath and a smile that you hoped looked less conflicted than how you felt. Beers in hand, you carefully made your way back to the picnic table â only to be met with a rather interesting sight.
Jaehyun was still where you had left him, thankfully. But the two girls that now stood around him were a new addition.Â
âHey,â you greeted, tapping him on the shoulder to pass him one of the beers. The taller girl visibly deflated when he flashed you a grateful smile, taking the plastic cup from your hand. The shorter one, however, ran her eyes up and down your figure with an almost calculating gaze.
âIs this your friend?â the shorter one asked, question directed at Jaehyun.
âUh, yeah, umâhi,â you answered very eloquently, introducing yourself. You tossed a glance between Jaehyun and the two girls. âDo you umâare you guys friends?â
âWell, no, not really. Minjeong and Jimin just cameââ
âWe were actually going to ask if you guys wanted to join us up closer to the main stage?â the shorter one (Minjeong perhaps?) asked, flashing a sweet smile you suspected was more for Jaehyunâs benefit than yours. âWe have a blanket and a few chairs set up, so you can sit and watch the closing set. Itâs much more comfortable than standing inside the barricade.â
âJaehyun looked a little lonely by himself,â the taller one added.
Lonely because you left him for ten minutes to go get some cold drinks? These girls were unbelievable.
âWhat do you say? Want to join us?â
Maybe you shouldâve taken the group of highschoolers on the subway earlier more seriously as a forewarning. Not that you had any say in what Jaehyun could and could not do â he was his own person, and the closest thing you had to a claim on him had disintegrated years ago. If he wanted to go hang out with pretty strangers, he could go and do exactly that, and you didnât have to follow him either. The invitation had clearly been meant for him more than it had been for you.
So what if you had been looking forward to enjoying the last set together? You were a big girl. You could brave the main stage crowds by yourself if you had to.
Jaehyun glanced at you, searching your eyes while you tried your best to keep your face neutral and devoid of the uneasy thoughts bubbling away beneath your skin. He was his own person. He could make his own choices.Â
After a second or two, he seemed to find what he was looking for, and turned back to the two expectant girls with a polite smile. âWeâll take our chances with the pit,â he answered. âBut thank you for the offer. Thatâs kind of you guys.â
The two girls made their exit shortly afterwards, but not without a final look at him, and a decidedly less enthusiastic one at you. It was quiet for a few moments, the two of you sipping on your beers without a word, waiting for the other to speak.
âYou could have gone with them if you wanted to,â you finally mumbled, eyes fixed on the contents of your cup.
To your surprise, Jaehyun let out a soft chuckle. âI donât know if you noticed, but Iâm pretty sure Minjeong had an engagement ring on her finger.â
âOh, what?âÂ
You definitely had not noticed, too occupied by the saccharine looks she was throwing his way.
âYeah. It was a pretty big diamond too. I think she must have forgotten to take it off today.â
You turned to look at him then. Jaehyun already had his eyes on you, sporting a lazy grin. âCome on, you canât think Iâm the type to mess around with married women?â
âThatâs not what IâI didnât knowââ
âDonât worry,â he interjected. âYouâre still cute when youâre jealous.â
The quick heat rising to your face dispelled any of the remaining nonchalance in your expression. âI wasnâtâIâm not jealous,â you spluttered. âI was just worriedâI mean, not worried,â you paused, sighing. âI thought youâd leave me.â
His eyes sought out yours, keeping them captive once they grabbed a hold.Â
âI wouldnât leave you.â
The teasing brevity to his voice had disappeared. Somehow, you had the feeling he wasnât simply talking about the jazz festival. The sincerity in his gaze made it hard to look away, but you had to, in the name of self preservation. Too long staring into those brown eyes was an unnecessary test of the upper limits of your heart rate.Â
âMaybe she came with her husband. He could be up there on that picnic mat, waiting for her.â
He laughed, throwing his head back. âTrust me, if her husband was here, she would not have been looking at me like that.â
To their credit though, finding a spot to watch the main stage proved to be rather difficult now that everyone had arrived to catch the final act. For a moment you considered leaving the pit to take the two girls up on their offer. But with Jaehyun by your side, you were able to navigate the crowds with a bit more peace of mind, his presence a solid and comforting anchor within the sea of people. A few rogue pushes here and there had you stumbling â and perhaps the two beers on a rather empty stomach were coming on faster than you had expected â but he was there, steadying you with a gentle hand around your arm, or the light press of his firm chest against your back.
And maybe you leaned into him for longer than necessary to regain your balance, but was that really a crime? To enjoy the touch of a friend? Was it a crime for warmth to pool in the pit of your stomach at the sight of him swaying along to Lauvâs Enemies?
No, the little voice in your head denied forcefully. Jaehyun grooving to the music had always been one of your weaknesses.Â
As the closing chords of Paris in the Rain sounded out across the venue, you pulled out your film camera.
âWalking down an empty street.â
A gentle nudge of Jaehyunâs shoulder had him turning towards you, nose scrunched in a happy half-laugh from watching the performance. You moved to face the back of the crowd and raised the camera high, pointing it towards the two of you.Â
Was the stage in the shot? Was Lauv?Â
Were you?
âPuddles underneath our feet.â
Call it courage, or liquid courage, or just plain recklessness on your part. Rising up on your tiptoes, you pressed your cheek to his, and clicked the shutter button.Â
The final chord of the song struck, softly, like an afterthought, and the crowd burst into appreciative hoots and applause, marking the end of the performance.
You were beaming as you turned back towards him. âDo you think I got that one?â
Jaehyun simply stared at you, lips parted and turned up slightly at the corners. He looked more caught off-guard than he had when you had told him you thought all the Cigarettes After Sex songs sounded the same. You felt the glowing smile on your face slip, little by little, as you let his eyes roam your features, gaze indecipherable. They flitted to your lips, and for a second you were sure you stopped breathing.
Just do it! Just fucking do it! screamed that little voice in the back of your mind.
And perhaps you wouldâve done it too, whatever it was, if it werenât for the shove from behind that sent you almost face-planting into his chest.
âWhat the hell?â you yelped, whipping your head around.Â
What was with the people here today? You never thought jazz lovers could be so aggressive and insensitive to othersâ personal space. Trying to find the perpetrator was a futile task, since the crowd had started to disperse following the end of the performance, moving in all directions.
Jaehyun looked over you with concern, the earlier expression on his face now gone.Â
âCome on,â he finally said, fingers gently circling around your wrist. âLetâs get out of here before we get trampled by the crowd.â
Overhead, the blue-black sky that had been so cooperative for the whole day emitted a low rumble, as if to emphasise Jaehyunâs words. Sure enough, by the time the two of you arrived at the station, it had started to sprinkle. Perhaps the clouds had been holding back the rain until the very end of the festival. How considerate of them, you thought.
The ride back into the city felt shorter than the one to the venue, though it couldnât have been. Saturday nights were even busier than the weekday rush hour, with people young and old out and about, ready to tame the weekend with sheer determination and a bottle of soju in the stomach. This time, there were no free seats in your carriage, but you didnât mind. Standing with Jaehyun, your heads pressed together to go through the videos in his camera roll, made the time pass faster. There was something to his photos, you decided. Something in the angle, or the light, or the composition, that made them look nicer than the ones on your phone. Maybe you ought to take a photography course too.
The clouds may have been considerate enough for the festival to hold off dumping their contents during the day, but they certainly were not for the two of you tonight. Standing under cover at the subway station exit, you watched as the torrential deluge only seemed to worsen. Thunder cracked angrily through the air. It wasnât July without the threat of flash flooding.Â
âAny drivers around?â Jaehyun asked.
You gave a sad shake of your head. âNobodyâs picking up my request. Must be because of the rain,â you muttered. Overhead, the sky split open with a strike of lightning, startling you, and you jumped back a bit, further into the covered area of the exit.
âHow about the bus?â
âI think I just missed one,â you answered, checking the timetable on your phone. âIt says the next isnât for another twenty minutes. But with the rain, it might be delayed even longer.â
You flicked through the taxi app, then the bus timetable app, and then finally back to the weather app, which you always seemed to forget to check on days like this. Three consecutive 100% signs stared back at you, and you let out a sigh. The sky would not be clearing up anytime soon.
âMy apartment is only two streets down, if you want somewhere to wait out the rain,â he said.
You looked up at him. The smile on his face was guileless, but at the same time, there was something guarded about it, like he was expecting your rejection. Perhaps you had studied his face for too long, because then he was shifting his weight from one foot to the other, and averting his eyes to the ground.
âOr you donât have to, we could justââ
âOkay,â you said.
His head shot back up. âOkay?â
You shrugged, a smile finding its way to your lips. âIâd rather not be soaking wet on the bus.â
âOkay,â he repeated, corners of his mouth turning upwards to mirror yours. âTo my place, then.â
The usual five minute walk to Jaehyunâs apartment from the subway station turned into a two-and-a-half minute mad dash under the downpour. Despite your attempts at keeping to storefront shelters and ducking under the cover of big trees, the short trip had ended up with the both of you drenched to the bone, teeth chattering as you dripped rainwater all over his lobby.
You said a silent apology to the building cleaners.Â
It was a relief to be dry again. Jaehyunâs sweats swamped you, the French terry fabric pooling around your feet as you sat on the couch in his living room. The top was no better, reaching almost to your knees, with the sleeves completely covering your fingertips. His clothes werenât always this big on you. At least he still used the same pine-scented laundry detergent.Â
The sound of the running shower blended smoothly with the raindrops pelting violently against the balcony window. You wrung your hands, unsure of what to do while you waited for him to come out of the bathroom. It was easy to feel out of place in a home foreign to you. The sleek furniture and minimalist colour palette of the apartment looked nothing like Jaehyunâs childhood bedroom.Â
Maybe you shouldnât have agreed to come to his place. While you were pretty sure he hadnât invited you up with any ulterior motives in mind, there was still something ambiguous about being in your ex-boyfriendâs home and wearing his clothes. And only his clothes.Â
You would have liked to keep your undergarments on, but they had also been soaked through. Going bare in these too-big sweats had seemed the less questionable option, compared to sitting with a wet patch around your butt and crotch. Heat flooded your face as you thought about your underwear and bra hanging on the heated towel rack in the bathroom.Â
Whatever. It wasnât like they were things heâd never seen before. And as for his clothes, of course youâd wash them before giving them back to him.Â
It was then that you decided that you had enough of sitting around in a puddle of fabric and your own thoughts. Jaehyunâs living room wasnât all that big, even if it felt roomier than your own, with enough space to fit a decently-sized couch and small coffee table. The tv on the far wall sat atop a rather large entertainment unit that, upon further inspection, also housed a record player and an impressive collection of vinyls.Â
You padded over, eyes flicking through the various titles printed on the covers. One of them had been taken out from the shelf and sat splayed on top of the cabinet. Maybe he had meant to play it, or just forgotten to put it away. Slowly, you let a finger trace around the edge of the jacket and over the black lettering of the title. Youâd recognise that white album cover anywhere.
Only you knew how much effort it had taken to source the thing, scouring auction sites and dodgy online stores until you finally bit the bullet and ordered it from a reasonable-looking seller with a 4.7 star rating. But it had all been worth it. The unadulterated joy on Jaehyunâs face as he undid the wrapping paper to reveal Frank Oceanâs Blonde was not something you could easily forget. Later, you found out that it had probably been a bootleg, since the official Blonde vinyls were a limited release, but he had hardly batted an eye when you broke the news.
âStill my favourite birthday present that anyoneâs gotten me,â Jaehyun said.Â
Dressed in a plain white tee and a pair of grey sweatpants, he leant against the bathroom door, surveying you with an easy smile. You must not have heard the shower turn off, the noise drowned out by the storm raging outside. His hair, still damp from the shower, hung over his eyes, and you watched as he brushed it back with his right hand, arm flexing with the movement.
The sudden flare in your lower belly was something youâd rather not feel, alone in these four walls with him, with nobody else around to witness or put a stop to whatever might follow. Youâd like to think self control was something you had a firm grip on, but it seemed Jaehyun was made to put you to the test.
âActually think it might be my favourite present ever,â he added, pushing off the door frame. He reached you in a few strides, maintaining a polite distance between your bodies.
âI didnât even realise you still had this,â you murmured, letting him take the record from your hands. You tried not to flinch at the brush of his fingers against yours. âYou didnât even have one of these back then,â you said, lightly tapping the case of the record player.
âI changed my mind, actually. The turntable is my favourite present.â
An unfamiliar twinge of dread zipped through you. âWho gave it to you?âÂ
Could it be an ex-loverâs gift sitting on display in his living room? That did not sit nicely in your stomach.
âMyself.âÂ
He was holding back a laugh, eyes squeezed into crescent moons and too busy appreciating his own joke to catch the quick roll of your eyes. Instantly, your chest felt a little lighter, and the dread vanished as quickly as it had come on.
âHere, let me put it on,â he said, shuffling over towards you to lift up the case on the record player. With gentle fingers and a delicateness you didnât see often, he unsleeved the record and carefully placed it on the turntable. A few fiddles with the side knobs and a precise adjustment of the needle arm later, the opening bars of Frank Oceanâs Pink and White filled the air of his living room.
For a minute, there were no words exchanged, the two of you simply content to enjoy the music as it filtered through the speakers. There was a quiet smile on Jaehyunâs face. You wondered if he, like you, was thinking of the last time you had listened to this album together.
The image of the two of you, sprawled out on his bed, sharing a pair of wired earphones, was hard to shake. It had been early evening, or nearly twilight. Sometime before sunset. The reflection on the ceiling of his childhood bedroom had changed along with the sky, until the only light left in the room was the dim blue glow from the laptop on his desk. At his motherâs call for dinner, he had gently shaken you awake, fingers light on your shoulder and against your cheek.Â
Jaehyun was undoubtedly handsome in the light. But there was something about dusk and the softness of the shadows on his face that made him all the more compelling. You usually werenât one to initiate, so the kiss you pressed to his mouth in the barely-lit room had surprised you both.Â
Even now, the thought strangely sent a flood of heat to your cheeks.
âSorry, did you want something to eat? I havenât been a very good host.â
The grumble of your stomach answered before you could. You bit back an embarrassed smile, but Jaehyun was not so frugal with his amusement, letting out a short chuckle. Your feet followed him as he made his way to the kitchen. Perched on the marble countertop, you watched as he rummaged through the fridge.
âI have eggs, yesterdayâs leftovers, and a shit ton of beer cans,â he announced.Â
You exchanged a glance.
âLetâs do ramen, actually. That sounds better.â He bent down to dig through the pantry, pulling out two red packets, before moving back to the fridge and getting two eggs. âI can crack these in too, andâwhy are you looking at me like that?â
It was your turn to laugh, the wide grin on your face a contrast to the cautious smile on his.
âAre we having ramen?â
His brow creased a little. âI thought you liked ramen?â The innocent tilt of his head made him all the more endearing to look at.
âI do, but⌠did you really invite me back to your place⌠to have ramen?â
It took a few seconds for the ball to drop. You held back giggles as his ears flushed hotly, as they always seemed to do on the occasions you decided to indulge yourself and tease him.
âCome on, thatâs notâyouâre doing it on purpose,â he said, bottom lip jutting out with the suggestion of a pout. Despite his grumbles, the shape of his mouth slowly settled into a defeated smile at your visible glee of having flustered him.Â
Jaehyun, soft-spoken and easy-going, was not the type to be easily ruffled. You excelled and enjoyed the challenge of it more than most.
âNo,â he said once your laughter had somewhat subsided, voice low and velvety. âBut I wouldnât be opposed.â
And suddenly it wasnât so funny anymore.
The silence that followed was a loud one. It was hard to ignore the way your mouth dried up at his words. Something warm and tingly spread from your stomach all the way down to your toes as you stood there under his level gaze, eyes drawn to his like magnets. He had to know. The effect his words had on you were surely plastered all over your face, obvious in the tight grip of your fingers against the countertop and the shortening of your breaths.
Jaehyun leaned in a little closer and you felt the inhale stick in the back of your throat. Then he cracked a crooked smile, pretty teeth all on display.Â
âDonât dish it out if you canât take it.â
He moved away then, busying himself with pouring water into a pot and bringing it to a boil while you tried to blink yourself out of the daze. âRamen okay?â he asked over his shoulder.
You cleared your dry throat, somehow finding your voice again. âRamen is fine. Thank you,â you added after a beat. You took a deep breath, waiting for the rush of blood to drain from your face.Â
Something sour settled in your chest â something akin to disappointment, though surely it couldnât be. Disappointed that what? Jaehyun wasnât actually sexually attracted to you? When you were obviously still attracted to him, despite all your attempts at convincing yourself you werenât?
You scoffed to yourself. As if.
A quick shake of your head was almost enough to clear your mind, save for the remnants of that sour feeling that lingered. You asked if there was anything you could do to help, not wanting to simply sit around on your thumbs and wait to be fed. He had insisted you do exactly that, warning you there was only enough space in the kitchen for one, and assuring that there was nothing he needed from you besides patience and faith in his cooking.Â
Patience you could give him. Faith was a little harder to muster, given your memories of the kitchen disaster from when he had tried to make okonomiyaki.Â
The questionable, half-burnt half-uncooked taste was one thing. You finding random pieces of cabbage on the tiled floor for days afterwards was another thing entirely.
However, it seemed Jaehyun had improved from his old ways. The steaming pot he brought over to the coffee table not only smelled delicious, but looked the part too. You helped carry over the small bowls and chopsticks, along with two cans of beer, despite his requests for you to just sit and be ready to eat.
You took the first bite, blowing on the noodles to cool them down before slurping them into your mouth. All the while, he watched you, an expectant expression painting his face.Â
âWow. Youâve grown up, Jeong Jaehyun. Who wouldâve guessed youâd become such a whiz in the kitchen?âÂ
He smiled, a bashful one at your compliment. âBeing able to cook ramen is nothing impressive,â he said, digging in with his own chopsticks.
âThere was no way you could have made this for me when we were 17. Look at this egg!â The centre was perfectly soft, not too runny, but not rock hard either. Just the way you liked them.Â
You took another mouthful. âYouâre a changed man,â you said. âHonestly, your place is a lot cleaner than I expected it to be.â
âThatâs what living with four other guys will do to you. I had to learn how to clean out of pure survival,â he chuckled.Â
âWas it really that bad?â
He grimaced. âYou shouldâve seen my dorm room. Basically a biological hazard.â
âThey didnât let non-students into the building. Your building RA was crazy scary, remember?â Even now you could remember the perpetual scowl of the law major when Jaehyun brought you into the dorm lobby.
âIt was probably for the best. You wouldâve broken up with me on the spot the second you walked through the door.â
You shared a laugh. Strangely, jokes about your break-up were light-hearted in their landing, the words leaving much less of a prickly uncomfortableness than you had been expecting. Perhaps it was still an event of importance in your life, but that cloudy unpleasantness you had come to associate it with had dissipated. It was a turning point, certainly. But so was graduation, and moving out, and travelling overseas for the first time.Â
Your feelings about those things werenât all bad. As you shared the pot of ramen and sipped on your beers, you realised, neither were your feelings about Jaehyun.
âIâm telling you, I was drinking Taeyong under the table. And I do mean that literally. He was passed out and laid across the stools.â He grinned, proud at the memory of beating his senior even five years later. You couldnât help but grin too, amused by the sincerity of his expression and the way his shoulders set in accomplishment.
âOkay, okay. So now youâre a better drinker, youâve gotten good at cooking, and youâre cleaner too.â
âAnd funnier,â he added.
âThat one is still up for debate,â you joked, and his eyebrows furrowed together in mock offence. Digs at his sense of humour were not taken lightly.Â
âJust because you donât get my high quality gags,â he sighed, shaking his head. âYouâre missing out.â
You nodded, making a noise of agreement if only to appease him.Â
âWhat about me? How am I different?â you asked, voice curious.Â
Jaehyun didnât miss a beat. âHmm, I think you got older?â
âCome on, Iâm being serious!â
His laughter subdued then, surveying you thoughtfully. A quiet smile tugged at his lips when he spoke again.Â
âYouâre more outspoken than you used to be.â He paused, taking a sip from his can while trying to find the right words, all the while keeping his eyes on you. âYou prioritise yourself more. And youâre more sure of who you are. You shine brighter, I think.â
Strange, how a personâs gaze could strip you down and make you feel so naked. There was nothing but earnestness in his eyes, plain and absolute, and the intensity of it was almost too much for you to bear. After all your time apart, Jaehyun could still see you, and see through you.Â
I think you still know me inside out, and that scares me, you wanted to tell him.
Instead, you looked away first, tearing your eyes away from his with considerable effort. The pot of ramen on the coffee table, lukewarm now, was almost finished. The music had also stopped playing a while ago. Neither you or Jaehyun had bothered to get up and flip the vinyl to the other side, too busy eating. All that was left was the rain, and even that had faded to a soft pattering against the glass, following its own rhythm.Â
Hastily, you stuffed a piece of kimchi into your mouth, for lack of anything better to do. The crunch of it in your mouth was loud, and you fought back a cringe.
âDid your mother make this?â you asked, hoping your attempt at diverting the conversation wasnât so obvious.
If Jaehyun noticed, he didnât show it, only nodding in confirmation.Â
âShe dropped some off last month,â he replied. âRemember how you told me herâs was better than your own motherâs?â
You let out a scandalised gasp. âAs if I would ever say such a thing! Donât let my mother ever hear something so blasphemous about her favourite daughter.â
âYouâre her only daughter.â
âAnd you care too much about technicalities. Just because Iâm the only one doesnât mean I canât still be the favourite.â
The crisp crunch of another piece of kimchi punctuated the end of your sentence. There was certainly something different about Mama Jeongâs recipes. If there was one thing you missed besides Jaehyun himself, it would have been his motherâs cooking. The woman knew her way around a stovetop better than a Michelin chef, at least in your eyes.Â
You thought of her warm smile, and her even warmer embrace. Jaehyun had inherited many things from her, kindness being the greatest of them. Back then, she had been so sure of your future place in their family, welcoming you into her home as if you were her own daughter. You wondered where she stood on that now.
Still clinging onto that idea, perhaps, or were her sights now set on someone else?
âYouâve got somethingâŚâ Jaehyun murmured.
He reached across the table, over the pot and the small bowls, the movement quick and almost instinctive. Soft fingers found purchase on your left cheek. His thumb was gentle as it brushed away the stray chilli flake from the corner of your mouth.
Just the lightest touch against your bottom lip. And the warmth of his hand cradling your face.
Then he froze, as if to catch himself, but the damage was already done.
Jaehyun pulled his hand back with a start, an inscrutable expression across his face. He spilled a quick apology that you smiled away, putting on a composed front. At least, you assumed it was an apology. It was hard to hear anything above the buzzing chaos of your mind. The air filled with idle noise as the two of you shuffled in your seats.
âI should umâI should probably get going,â you mumbled, avoiding his eyes. The meal had long been finished. Your hands were already beginning to gather up the bowls and utensils into a stack for easy carrying.Â
Jaehyun hummed, something akin to resignation in the noise. âYeah, uh⌠I guess so.â
âLet me help you clean up first, and then Iâll be on my way.â
Despite his protests against you assisting with any kind of housework, there you were at the sink, helping him scrub everything nice and clean within the small space of his kitchen. Maybe he was right about there only being enough space for one person behind the counter. The aluminium beer cans went into their designated bins, and you made sure to wipe down the coffee table too.
This time, your half-damp, half-dried clothes found their way into a Byredo shopping bag â Jaehyun would rather die than not smell good â though your shoes still squelched rather uncomfortably when you slipped your bare feet in. By luck, you were able to book a taxi and could pass on the wet walk to the bus stop.
You thanked him again for bringing you along, noting that you probably got more out of the alleged âfavourâ than he did.Â
âTrust me, going with you made the whole thing so much better,â he said, both cheeks dimpling in your favourite smile of his. âAnd let me know if you need to get the film on your camera developed. I know a place.â
The ride home was flavoured by a sudden loneliness. Maybe it was the view of the city at night, or the absence of people out on the rainy streets, that had an empty feeling settle in your chest.Â
Perhaps you should have delayed leaving his apartment. Perhaps you shouldnât have left at all, and instead weathered the night away with Jaehyun on the couch, some slasher flick playing on the television while you shook under the blankets and tried not to scream at the jumpscares, like you used to. You never did understand why he liked horror films as much as he did.
Perhaps heâd slot his fingers between your own and give them a reassuring squeeze, and gaze at you with the kind of amused fondness he only ever reserved for you.
Heat flooded your face. As if you were entertaining the thought of spending the night at your ex-boyfriendâs place. And getting butterflies at the thought of holding hands?Â
How embarrassing.
One thing was for certain. The walls you had put up were cracking, and there seemed to be little hope of patching them up.
âWill you stop messing with that thing?â
Jungwoo clicked his tongue against his teeth, fingers still fiddling with the ribbon on the gift bag.Â
âItâs not straight,â he grumbled, pulling at the bow.
âYouâre so pedantic.â
âItâs called being detail-oriented,â he fired back, leaning against the backseat of the taxi with a sigh.
You raised an eyebrow. âYou say that like Iâm not.â
âWell,â he trailed off, shrugging his shoulders. His mouth formed the shape of a smirk.Â
You flicked a glance towards the rearview mirror, checking to see if the driver was paying attention to the two of you in the back. After verifying he was not, you landed a few (softâŚish) punches on Jungwooâs upper arm, revelling in the shocked little noises he made, along with a few mumbles of âthat actually hurtsâ and âcrazy womanâ.Â
How nice it was to let your hands fly without the threat of some other fifth floor witness reporting you for physical harassment.Â
âIâm telling Joy the present is entirely from me,â you warned, turning around to face the front again.
âRight, except the card inside says my name too. So thatâs not going to work.â
You reached into the gift bag, pulling out said card before rolling down the window. âLet me just throw this out.â
It was Jungwooâs turn to deliver a light smack to your wrist. You dropped the envelope back in the bag, not without tossing an eye-roll his way. He knew just as well as you did that there was no real substance behind the threats â banter with Jungwoo was more for amusement than anything else. Deep down, you were quite fond of him, even if your actions tended to say otherwise, and youâd like to wager he quite enjoyed your company too.Â
You couldnât wait to get a few shots in him later tonight. Word had it he was a notorious lightweight.Â
âHopefully nobody vomits. Iâd hate to be cleaning that up in my own house.â He shuddered at the thought.Â
âOh, donât you worry about that,â you smiled sweetly, patting him on the shoulder. âYou just focus on sticking to your limit, okay? I heard what happened at last yearâs wrap up event.â
He bristled. âNothing happened! It honestly wasnât even that bad. Iâm getting unfairly slandered,â he sulked. âI think you should stop hanging out with Joy so much.â
âYeah, alright. Should we just skip her birthday party and turn the car around then?â
âShut up.â
The taxi pulled up in front of Joyâs apartment complex, a tall modern thing with much bigger windows than your own building. And so much more glass, too. After splitting the taxi fare with Jungwoo, the two of you stood at the entrance, waiting for the intercom to connect.Â
âAre you sure you pressed the right buttons?â Jungwoo asked, peering over your shoulder.
âYes, of course. Apartment 814.â
âMaybe you should let me try.â
You let out a sigh. âItâs three numbers, Jungwoo. How is it going to be any different if itâs you pressing them instead of me? Do you think the keypad is going to magicallyââ
âHello?âÂ
An unfamiliar male voice crackled through the intercom. âAre you here for Joy?âÂ
âYes,â you and Jungwoo answered in unison.Â
âGreat, Iâll come down to get you guys now. Will only be a minute!â and then the line disconnected.
You and Jungwoo exchanged a glance. âIs he going to let us in?â you asked.Â
âHe literally said heâd come down to get us,â he answered flatly. âDo you not listen?â
âIt was hard to hear him clearly with all the noise in the background,â you grumbled in defence. Hopefully Joyâs walls were thicker than your own, and her neighbours would not lodge a complaint halfway through the night.
The elevator doors slid open to reveal the face of the intercom answerer. It wasnât detective work to match up the real thing to the pictures Joy would sometimes show you, though he looked taller in real life than he did in the photos from their weekend Jeju trip.
âSorry about the wait, it was a bit hard to hear the doorbell,â he greeted, ushering you both inside with a warm smile. âIâm Doyoung, by the way.â
You and Jungwoo both introduced yourselves as you stepped into the elevator after him, to which he responded with a hum in recognition, and a knowing grin.
âAre you on door duty for the night?â Jungwoo asked.
Doyoung nodded, pressing on the button for the eighth floor. âIt appears I am. She has her hands full with guests to entertain, so,â he trailed off, eyes glazing over for a split second, âyouâll see what I mean when we get up there.â
You had never imagined that a 2-bedroom apartment could fit so many people. Granted, it was nothing compared to the kind of parties you frequented during your university days where cheap spirits and green soju bottles lined the counter, but it was quite a distant cry from the gathering you thought it would be. Judging by the look on Jungwooâs face, he had not been expecting this either.Â
There had to be at least forty people. It almost made you wonder why she didnât just book out a space instead of letting everyone invade her and her boyfriendâs shared home.
Doyoung made his exit rather quickly after letting you in, probably off to tend to one of his many other duties as unofficial host â poor guy was likely in for a very busy night â leaving you and Jungwoo to fend for yourselves in the entryway of the apartment. There was barely any room left in the tiled space for you to put your shoes.
How did Joy even know this many people? was the thought at the forefront of your mind as you helped Jungwoo stack his sneakers next to yours on a rack further down the hallway. Her present was left on a table near the entry piled with gift bags and wrapped boxes that you assumed was the designated drop-off area.Â
Speaking of the birthday girl, you spotted her mingling in the living room and pointed her out to Jungwoo, though it was no easy feat finding her. The number of people, coupled with the dim ambient lighting, made it a challenge to recognise familiar faces. Joy, champagne glass in hand, was swept away in conversation with one of the most beautiful women you had ever laid eyes on. The gorgeous lady held a matching champagne flute in one hand, while the other was wrapped around the arm ofâ
âJunmyeon? What the hell is he doing here with that beautiful woman?âÂ
Jungwoo took the words right out of your mouth, a somewhat displeased noise making its way past his lips. You couldnât help but echo the sentiment.
âCanât believe this turned into a work function the moment we stepped through the door,â you all but groaned. âAnd here I thought having you around was bad enough already.â
You expertly dodged the elbow he jabbed into your side.
Joy spotted the two of you then, lingering by the kitchen, and quickly excused herself from the conversation to rush over. The champagne wobbled precariously in her glass as she approached, engulfing the two of you in a sweet-smelling hug.
âMy little children! Iâm so glad you could make it!â she cried, resting her chin in the space between your shoulder and Jungwooâs. You exchanged a glance with the boy amidst the chorus of âhappy birthdayâs.Â
There was a 77% chance she was drunk already.
âHad a little too much fun tonight?â you asked, helping to prop her upright again.
Joy only beamed in response. âAll the more fun now that you two are here. My favourite fifth floor prisoners.â She gave your cheek a soft pinch.
âQuick question,â Jungwoo began, âwhy is our manager in your house?â
âWith his arm around a beautiful woman way out of his league?â you added, swatting her fingers away from your face.
âThatâs my sister Irene,â she said, like it was common knowledge.Â
You raised an eyebrow. âSince when did you have a sister?â
âOkay, well not my real sister,â she amended, hurriedly waving off your words. âShe was a senior in my department. I was really close with her back in university, so, basically my sister. I think we look pretty alike, honestly.â
âAnd her relation to Junmyeon isâŚ?â
Joy threw a conspiratorial glance around before leaning in, beckoning the two of you closer. This time, a few drops of the champagne did manage to escape via the side of her glass, narrowly missing Jungwooâs white socks.
âI set them up. On a date!â she whispered, eyes glinting with pride. Why she chose to whisper when it was already hard enough to hear her above the noise at her normal speaking level was beyond you.
You blinked at her a few times. âYou set up a goddess like that⌠with our manager?â
Joy waved another hand dismissively. âOh, please. Like Junmyeonâs not handsome too. You only think that because youâre too used to seeing him frown and squint at a monitor.âÂ
You cast a glance in his direction. Maybe she was right. Junmyeon did look somewhat more like a human without his glasses and the semi-permanent lines etched into his forehead. He even looked (dare you say it) quite nice. But maybe it was the poor lighting that made it seem that way.
âAnyways, itâs been about⌠two months now? I think they look pretty good together,â she mused, following your gaze.Â
Junmyeon must have said something funny â a rather loose use of the word by your standards â because Irene had her lovely face scrunched up in a laugh, the pitched sound of it ringing out clearly above the noise of the apartment. In her amusement, she even threw a hand out to slap him lightly on the arm, which he appeared very pleased by.
Sure, you laughed at his jokes too, but it was more out of corporate self-preservation than actual amusement.Â
âHe kind of has been in a better mood recently,â Jungwoo said thoughtfully.
Joy grabbed his hand with fervour. âYes, exactly! See? Thanks to my sacrifice, we can all enjoy a nicer, much more pleasant office environment.â
âIâd hardly call that a sacrifice,â you chuckled. âYou take too much pleasure in playing matchmaker.â Joyâs response was nothing more than a guilty smile, followed by her emptying the rest of the glass.
It was then that you heard it â the deep, reverberating laugh that always bordered a little bit on breathlessness. It was slightly unnerving how quickly you could pinpoint the sound of his voice without even seeing him, or knowing that he had entered the room.Â
You turned around first, eyes drawn to the entry hallway in search of the face to which the laugh belonged. Of course he was going to be here. You knew that. He had said as much two days ago, bidding you farewell across the cafeteria table with a promise to âsee you on the weekend at Joyâsâ.
Lunch with Jaehyun had recently become a rarer occurrence. From what he told you, and the bits of information you gleaned from Joy about Digital, Johnny had pulled Jaehyun onto his team to try and get a firmer grip on the reins not even two weeks ago. Already, the intensity of the new workload was obvious.
You certainly saw him less, much to your disappointment â you could admit that to yourself now.
Jaehyun emerged from the hallway then, midway through another laugh with an arm slung around Doyoungâs shoulders. Funny, how all the other faces were so murky and hard to identify under the dim lighting. And yet, the shape of his dimpled smile was unmistakable to you, as bright as the beacon of a lighthouse on the midnight sea.Â
Doyoung scanned the room, catching sight of Joy with you and Jungwoo. He gestured at his girlfriend, and Jaehyun obediently turned in your direction, likely wanting to give his greetings to the birthday girl.
Your eyes locked, and your heart gave a woeful little squeeze in your chest.
âIâm just going to do a quick check on the drink inventory,â Doyoung said as they approached, âIâll be right back. And please take care of my favourite guest.â With a final friendly pat on Jaehyunâs shoulder, he was off, ducking into the kitchen.Â
âHappy birthday!â Jaehyun beamed, arms circling around Joy in a hug which she enthusiastically returned. He grabbed Jungwooâs hand, pulling him in for one of those man greetings. (Since when were they close?) Their apparent friendship was an unexpected development.Â
And then it was your turn. You wondered if it was as easy for others to find solace in a mere gaze as you did with Jaehyun. His eyes did not stray far, wandering around your face, something tender and comforting in his appraisal of your features. A hand came up to brush against your lower back, a gentle and quiet greeting against the excitement of the previous two. His lips pulled into a soft smile as he called your name in greeting.Â
âYou two are ridiculous,â Joy scoffed.
You inhaled sharply. Was it really that easy to tell? The depth of your attachment?
âYou planned this, right? I mean seriously, matching outfits?â she asked, gesturing at you and Jaehyun.
You blinked a few times, looking down blankly at yourself. The dark wash denim and white silk that you had picked out yesterday looked back at you familiarly. Then you glanced at Jaehyun, taking in his white t-shirt, half tucked into a pair of jeans that were exactly the same wash as yours.Â
The coordination was completely unintentional â you had no idea what you were going to wear tonight the last time you had spoken to him â but the look on Joyâs face told you there was no use in trying to convince her of the truth.Â
(You wouldâve argued that the cowl neck of your white silk top elevated your outfit above Jaehyunâs plain white tee, but you digressed.)
âOkay. Iâm done with this,â Jungwoo said, throwing his hands up in defeat. âIâm going to do what single people do, and that is to get a goddamn drink.â
âMe too, another bubbly,â Joy chimed, grasping onto Jungwooâs arm as he turned to leave for the kitchen. âSee my success rate? Let me set you up with someone. My hairdresserâs daughter went to Korea University Business School and graduated not too long ago.âÂ
The rest of her appeal to play matchmaker for Jungwoo was swallowed up by the music and chatter of her guests. And then it was just you, and Jaehyun, and the thirty other people filling up the living room.Â
The two of you shared a glance before dissolving into a few light giggles.Â
âI do think I pull it off better,â you teased, giving Jaehyun another once-over. He was as handsome as always, the white cotton draped picturesquely across his lean frame while the dark jeans made his mile-long legs look even longer. He could wear a garbage bag and make it look couture.Â
âI wouldnât be so sure about that,â he said with a crooked smile.Â
He raised his arm to reveal the denim jacket draped across his arm that you hadnât noticed before, too busy making sad little googly eyes at him that you hoped other people couldnât see. The jacket was coloured in the same wash as his jeans, and your own.Â
You gave a scandalised gasp. âNo, a matching set? How am I supposed to beat that?â
âYou canât. You can only admit defeat to the double denim. I out-Justin-Timberlaked you.â
âJustin Timberlake is not a verb.â
He only grinned in response, teeth pearly and eyes sparkling as he took in the slight pout of your mouth.Â
âWhatever,â you conceded with a wave of your hand, though a smile crept its way onto your face. âYou win. Letâs get something to drink.â
Jungwoo and Joy were nowhere to be found when the two of you made your way to the kitchen. What you did find was an impressive selection of bottles atop the marble counter, a selection that easily outdid the ones from your university days in both quality and variety.Â
At least one thing was the same. Green soju bottles were always a dependable presence.Â
âShall we go for your favourite?â Jaehyun asked, holding up what looked to be a bottle of wine. You moved a little closer, peering at the label through his fingers.
âI do enjoy a good red,â you replied, accepting the glass he offered you with a quiet âthank youâ. You took a small sip â because tonight, you felt no need to gulp down alcohol like a camel to ease your nerves â before adding, âMerlot is far from my favourite though.â
âReally?â He raised an eyebrow. âI do seem to remember how you pretty much finished a whole bottle by yourself. At dinner, that time at the Italian place.â
You held back a wince at the recollection of that fated blind date. Of course heâd remember that. It would be hard to forget the way you all but sculled down three full glasses in the time it took him to finish one. A quick sideways glance revealed the slight upturn to the corners of his mouth, paired with a telling glint in his eyes. Jaehyun was teasing.
âIt was honestly quite impressive,â he said, lips curling into a full-blown smile now.
âThat was different,â you said. The next sip went down a little faster than you would have liked. âThat was out of necessity.âÂ
There was no way I couldâve made it through that night without alcohol in my system, you almost said, but caught yourself just in time.Â
A few seconds passed before either of you spoke again.
âWere you really upset to see me?â
Gone was the playful lilt to his voice. This question was asked softly, carefully, the sound of it so delicate you were afraid it would shatter in the air at your clumsy reply. Slowly, you turned to look at him, seeking the reassurance you were sure you could find in his eyes, but they had moved to the contents of his own glass. You followed their path, watching as he gave the liquid a few absent-minded swirls.
âMaybe. A little, I think,â you admitted. âI donât know. There was a lot going on in my head that day. When I realised it was you.â
A pair of giggling women â Joyâs guests who you didnât know â approached the counter, one of them tentatively reaching for something in front of you. Noticing her struggle, you shuffled slightly towards Jaehyun, trying to make some space around the counter. The one with her hand outstretched flashed you a grateful smile, which you politely returned, although with far less vigour.Â
Perhaps the bustling kitchen in the centre of all the foot traffic wasnât the best place for a conversation like this.
There was some fussing with the bottle cap, or whatever it was that they couldnât quite get to work, followed by a considerably clean pour for two people who were clearly not quite sober. Then they were gone, giggling the entire way out of the kitchen and freeing up the space around you.
If you wanted to, you could have stepped back and returned to your original spot before their arrival. Put some more distance between you and Jaehyun again. Not that you were seriously encroaching on his personal space, but it was enough for you to recognise the proximity.
Instead, you took the smallest of steps closer and placed a hand on his forearm. His eyes flitted down at the touch, taking in the way your fingers lay feather-light on his skin, just above the ridge of his wrist.Â
âIâm glad it was you,â you said. The words were true, but the honesty of them still tasted odd on your tongue, and you fought back a cringe. Jaehyun finally turned to meet your eyes, some semblance of hope, or maybe it was relief that coloured his expression. âAnd Iâm glad weâre here, now,â you added.
You hoped he knew you werenât talking about the far right corner of Joyâs kitchen.
Jaehyun smiled, and it was like the sun had finally risen up over the stark mountain peak, bathing everything in a warm, golden glow. It was the kind of warmth you didnât realise you craved until the full force of it spilled over you, washing away the blue and the cold.Â
âMe too,â he said softly.
Even if you hadnât fallen victim to Joyâs schemes, you would like to think the two of you would still end up here, only via longer and slightly different routes. Perhaps an unexpected run-in in the lobby on a Tuesday morning, or the eventual and excruciatingly awkward introduction through Joy. Whatever it may have been, youâd like to think you wouldâve found your way to each other again eventually.Â
Curiosity tickled your mind. âWhat about you?â
âHmm?â
He was still smiling, the lines by his nose just visible, and he had his eyes on you, though there was a faraway look about them. Something about his gaze reminded you of the way youâd regard a painting, framed and hung up on a wall in some art museum â carefully examining the details of the brushstrokes against the canvas, yet all the while trying to hold the whole piece in your mindâs eye, and let it touch the surface of that primal emotion somewhere inside of you. The depth of his gaze was enough to make you self-conscious, and you quickly averted your eyes, taking another sip from your glass. It was a good excuse to school your features before you spoke again.
âHow did you feel when you saw me? Were you upset?â
Jaehyun regarded his own glass wistfully. âNot exactly upset, no,â he began, though a movement in his peripheral had him trailing off.Â
Another of Joyâs guests had appeared, hovering beside the two of you with his eyes set on the bottle of whiskey directly in front of you. Politely, Jaehyun side-stepped away from the counter and wrapped a gentle hand around the bend of your elbow, guiding you out of the hectic buzz of the kitchen. It stayed there, warm and comforting, until you found your way back to the open space of the living room, and even then he was slow to let you go, fingertips lingering a just second too long before they retreated back to his side.Â
âI think I was surprised, more than anything,â he continued. âDidnât really know what to expect, not that I was expecting much. I never even thought Iâd get to see you again after university. Thought you were gone for good.â
He paused, one side of his mouth quirking up slightly. The movement was small, and you wondered if you were supposed to have caught it at all.
âYou stood there, with your bag in one hand and your cardigan in the other, looking like you were waiting for me to spontaneously combustââ
âOkay, Iâm sure it wasnât that bad.â
ââand all I could think about was how you were even prettier than I remembered. And back then I already thought you were the most beautiful girl I had ever seen.â
At that, you were quiet. Whatever silly rebuttal or attempt to defend yourself died quickly on your tongue as you let his confession settle beneath your skin, warming it from the inside out. Jaehyun was not even one bit fazed, looking like he had just said something trivial about the weather, or stated some objective fact like âgrass is greenâ. For him, honesty had never been the heavy, cumbersome challenge it was for you. Judging by the resigned smile on his face, he wasnât expecting some grand response from you either, which was all the better, because god, what were you supposed to say to something like that?
âOh, there you are,â came a voice from behind you, followed by a hand on your shoulder.Â
Joyâs timing was impeccable, as always.
âSorry, this one is coming with me,â she said to Jaehyun, looping her arm around yours with half-drunken determination. âUs fifth-floors have some business to settle. With darts.â
Your eyes followed the direction of her outstretched arm, where sure enough, there was a dartboard hanging on the wall by the balcony. Jungwoo was there, standing obediently with his hands crossed in front of his stomach as he politely nodded along to whatever Junmyeon was animatedly saying. The beer bottle Jungwoo cradled, now forgotten, seemed more like an accessory than an actual beverage. He caught your eye and sent you a frantic look.
You whipped your head back to Jaehyun. âPlease donât let her take me.âÂ
Surely, he could see the pleading, the desperation in your eyes.
Jaehyun, having witnessed the whole exchange between you and Jungwoo, only grinned. âIt does sound like some serious business,â he said, cheeks dimpling. Joy made a noise of agreement and gave your arm a little tug.
âYouâre more than welcome to come and spectate, Jaehyun,â she called out over her shoulder as she herded you towards her destination. His only response was a hearty laugh. You stared at him in despair as you were towed away by the birthday girl. Next time youâd invite his boss to the function.
The game of darts (or seven games, if you were being precise) was decidedly less awful than you had expected. Junmyeon had promised not to speak about work and by some miracle, actually stuck to his word. Maybe you even got to know the guy a little better, outside of his office habits like the specific order in which he drank his three teas everyday (yuja, then chamomile, and lastly peppermint). Like you, he was somewhat of a wine enthusiast, though his knowledge of French vineyards was far superior to yours.Â
By the third round, the game had clearly left your little work circle. Jaehyun joined in at one point, competitiveness getting the better of him. Doyoung tried his hand too, and he was honestly abysmal, but smiled the whole time and seemed to be enjoying himself, even if he had to pick the darts off the floor on every turn. Out of all the players over the course of the seven games, Junmyeonâs date Irene had been the most unexpected hidden card, scoring three bullseyes in a row.Â
Oh, to be a goddess and have perfect hand-eye coordination.Â
âYou feeling okay?â you asked a rather blank-looking Jungwoo. His eyes were beginning to droop, and so was the rest of his body, long limbs sprawled out against the leather. You could swear he only had his initial bottle of beer and the two celebratory soju shots Joy had forced him to take (from which you were not exempt either), and yet here he was, half-asleep on the couch.
âHmm,â was his eloquent reply.
The party was slowly drawing to a close, the living room much emptier now than it had been when you first walked in. Junmyeon and Irene had made their departure some twenty minutes ago, and there were only a handful of guests left, most of them getting ready to leave as well. Grown adults didnât gamble with their sleep schedules.Â
Doyoung emerged from the hallway, running a hand through the mess of hair on top of his head, already tousled from the fifty or so times he had repeated the action throughout the night.
âOkay, sheâs knocked out,â he sighed. On his face, you glimpsed the first sign of relief you had seen all night. âI donât think sheâs going to puke, but I left a bucket by the bed just in case.â
You flashed him a grateful smile. âThank you for tonight. I canât imagine it was easy having to wrangle all these people for so long.â
âOh, itâs no big deal. As long as Joyâs happy and had a good time.âÂ
Even though he was clearly exhausted, Doyoung smiled, and the fondness held within it felt like a private thing you shouldnât have witnessed. Your mind went, now as it always did, to a certain dimpled smile.
âIâd better get this one home,â you said instead, gesturing at Jungwoo slumped on the couch. You turned towards the boy, patting his shoulder gently. âCome on, time to go.â
âMmffh.âÂ
Another brilliant and enlightening response.
The owner of your favourite dimpled smile stepped out from the bathroom to the sight of you struggling to get Jungwoo upright enough to loop an arm around your shoulders. The half-asleep boy was lean, but definitely heavier than he looked, or perhaps the few glasses of wine over the course of the night had sapped some of the strength from your body. Jaehyun was at your side in an instant, shouldering most of Jungwooâs weight as the two of you dragged him to a standing position.
âIâll come with you,â he said, no room for discussion in his tone. You had no mind to protest anyway.Â
Doyoung was already busying himself with clearing plates and glasses from the living area when Jaehyun bid him farewell. The guy seemed to have formulated a detailed plan of attack to get his apartment back to the no-doubt spotless state it had been prior to tonight.
âI sorted out most of the empty bottles so you should be able to just throw them out in the morning,â Jaehyun said over his shoulder. He crouched on the ground, guiding Jungwooâs disobedient left foot into the correct shoe, carefully doing up the laces once both feet were inside their corresponding sneakers.Â
You tossed a glance back at Doyoung whizzing around the place like a Roomba, feeling a pang of guilt for not having done much to help him clean up. Even though you had been a much more gracious and tidy guest than other people in Joyâs company, you couldnât help but feel like there was more you couldâve done, apart from babysitting a very not-sober Jungwoo and making sure he didnât crack his head open on the corner of the coffee table.Â
âItâs fine,â Jaehyun said softly. You turned to look at him, half-surprised, and he only flashed you a small smile. âDoyoung likes to clean. I think he finds comfort in it.â
He was fluent as ever in your micro-expressions. Maybe one day youâd learn to stop being surprised by it.Â
The taxi back to Jungwooâs place was shorter than you had expected. His head lolled between your shoulder and Jaehyunâs in the backseat, before finally finding a home in Jaehyunâs lap. Even when you finally tucked the younger boy safely into his own bed â after going to great lengths to extract his building code which involved a series of profuse apologies to his neighbours who you had mistakenly rung in the middle of the night â there was an impressive imprint on his right cheek that exactly matched the side seam on Jaehyunâs jeans. You couldâve sworn there was a small, wet patch of drool left behind on the denim, and you were sure Jaehyun himself had noticed it too, but he gave no indication of complaint.
âAre you far from here?â Jaehyun asked once the elevator had brought the both of you back down to Jungwooâs lobby.
âIâm actually just a fifteen minute walk away,â you answered.
The invitation in your voice was silent, and you knew he wouldâve accompanied you home even if you lived on the other side of the city. Still, some achingly pleasant emotion settled over you when you heard his footsteps fall in with yours against the pavement. He took his place between you and the open street, shielding you from the bustle of late night delivery bikes and club bound taxis.
Though the days still resembled summer, nights were when the beginnings of autumn could reveal itself. The slight chill in the air was not unbearable, but still noticeable against your bare arms, and just enough for goosebumps to spring up on the skin there. Before you could even bring your hands up to wrap them around yourself, Jaehyun shrugged off his jacket and wordlessly draped it over your shoulders.Â
âThanks,â you mumbled, drawing the collar close around your neck. The stiff denim was a little rough, but warm from his body heat all the same, with faint traces of his woody scent lingering on the fabric.
Jaehyun thrust his hands in his pockets and grinned. âNow you out-Justin-Timberlake me.â
âStill not a real word.â
You supposed there was something about night-time that made it feel all the more forgiving to the emotional afflictions of the human condition. Perhaps it was only against the muted palette of the midnight blue sky and the dimly lit city streets that you felt brave enough to face the truth of your feelings, without agonising over the consequences of acknowledging them. Even so, you found yourself wishing the night would stretch on for just a little longer. Honesty always seemed to wear off faster than it came on.
âYouâve been crazy busy lately.â
Jaehyunâs responding laugh contained little amusement. âCrazy busy is one way to put it. I canât believe Johnny has had to deal with all of this the whole time. This client is so,â he paused, trying to find the right word, before finally settling on âdemanding.â The look in his eyes gave you the feeling there were many other more colourful adjectives he wanted to use instead.
The two of you passed the convenience store corner of your street. Your place was not too far up ahead, the glass building doors almost visible if you squinted. The night was coming to an end, and something cold and heavy settled in your chest to accompany the realisation.
âThey want us in New York working on the new client site as soon as possible, so weâve been running around trying to get visas and everything sorted,â he sighed.Â
Your footsteps faltered.Â
âYouâre going to New York?â you asked.Â
He nodded.Â
âWhen?â
âWithin the next week, if everything comes back approved.â
You hadnât even noticed that you had come to a standstill until Jaehyunâs footsteps also slowed to a stop. The both of you stood like that, under the dim glow from the streetlights, in the middle of the sidewalk.Â
âWeâll probably be there until the end of the year, at least until the design piece is done,â he said.Â
Did your face betray the sudden drop of your stomach? Did the sound of a fissure cracking through your chest escape through the slight parting of your lips?
It was silly, really. That one small piece of information could turn your entire world on its head. International travel on a project wasnât a rare occurrence. And you supposed you wouldâve found out sooner or later, even if he hadnât told you, because he had no obligation to update you about every development in his life, even if they involved crossing continents. Even if you wanted to know every little detail.Â
Jaehyunâs eyes moved from his shoes to your face. The shadows cast by the streetlights made it hard to decipher his expression, but you thought there was a pleading look to his handsome face. What he was pleading for, you werenât entirely sure.Â
You cleared your throat and finally found your voice again. âThatâs really exciting, Jaehyun,â you managed, trying to keep your tone light. âI hear New York is gorgeous this time of year.â
The smile you pasted on your face was a flimsy one, and you could feel your top lip begin to tremble when he didnât quite return it. Before it could turn into a grimace, you let the corners of your mouth fall. There had never been any use in putting on an act in front of him. Unsure what else to say without sounding insincere â though you were excited for him, truly, this little fit of sadness was a silly thing that would pass surely and quickly â you turned and resumed your steps towards your apartment.Â
Another few minutes and youâd be in the safety of your own home. Free to let your top lip tremble and quiver, and let the inexplicable lump in your throat force its way out, rather than try to swallow it down.
It only took a few steps for you to realise that Jaehyun had not followed. You looked over your shoulder to find him standing there by the streetlight, eyes fixed on the ground again.Â
âI donât want to go,â he said, toeing at a crack in the concrete. âIf I didnât have to, I wouldnât. I donât want to leaveâŚâ
You.
He may not have said that last word, but you heard it all the same. Your chest squeezed with emotion you couldnât quite place.
âBut you have to,â you said softly. A gentle breeze blew through the early autumn air and you briefly wondered if your words had been carried adrift.
He looked up at you then, eyes burning into yours with unspoken sentiments. A thousand words were conveyed with that one look, those few seconds in which you understood everything he wanted to say, and nothing he wanted to say, because he hadnât said much at all. Just like how he could read your emotions with a simple glance at your face, you saw his reluctance. You saw the irresolution in his resolve, and how it wavered as he turned over in his mind the things he wanted to say to you, and how much of his heart he was willing to risk.Â
âBut I have to,â he agreed.Â
Jaehyun still knew you inside out, yes, but you knew him too.
Your feet dragged over the last few hundred metres to your apartment complex, until you finally reached the door and there was nothing left you could do to delay the inevitable.
âHere,â you said, handing his jacket back to him. âThank you for walking me home.â
He took it from your outstretched hand, fingers just brushing your knuckles. âOf course.â
And maybe Jaehyun was just as unwilling to let you go. His feet stayed firmly planted on the concrete pavement in front of your building, even though you were pretty sure no harm would befall you across the five steps into the lobby. The two of you stood there for a while, neither quite knowing what to say, or how to ward off the odd melancholy you knew he felt too.
There were so few guarantees of forever in life. You knew that. And even if you had never really gotten him back in the first place, you couldnât shake the feeling that you were losing him again. Except this time, he wouldnât just be a 67-minute subway ride away. This time, heâd be a 14-hour flight away, on the other side of not the city but the world, with 7,000 miles and the entire Pacific Ocean separating you.Â
And yes, heâd come back eventually, but who could promise that the feelings between the two of you now would be the same upon his return? You knew that you were in no position to demand he refrain from exploring other romantic pursuits, to deter him from making new connections in the diverse metropolis that was New York City, and all the excitement and energy that came with it.Â
You had unknowingly gotten in the way of that once.
âWell, Iâd better get inside,â you said quietly, gesturing at the building behind you. Jaehyun only nodded.
This was it. All things must come to an end, you thought as you walked up to the lobby door. Even if they never really started. Perhaps you and your hesitance to let him in had played the biggest part of all, and whatever it was between you and Jaehyun wouldnât be ending before it began if you had only been more forgiving at the start. Less pointy and disagreeable. Perhaps then you would be parting now on more certain terms, and youâd carry some peace of mind knowing heâd be coming back to you, instead of the crushing weight of disappointment currently lodged underneath your sternum.
And yet, what difference did it make? Youâd be losing him anyway, no matter what you did. In two weeksâ time, heâd be sitting in a conference room on a different continent, regardless of whether you said nothing or cussed him out to his face right now.
Your hand froze on the steel handle for only a second before you turned around to face him again. Three determined strides was all it took to close the distance between you.Â
âWhat is it?â he asked.
There had been few occasions where you had seen Jaehyun drunk, or at least not sober, in the years you had known him. Your split early on in university had not afforded you many chances to witness his supposedly high tolerance in action at weekend benders. Nothing more than a few underage sips snuck from his dadâs glass at the dinner table. You took a second now to look at him, really look at him, taking in all the details of the face you knew almost as well as your own.Â
Pink. Everything about him was so pink, from the slight tinge around the whites of his eyes, to the lingering flush in the apples of his cheeks.
To the pretty colour of his soft, full lips.Â
They parted with confusion when you approached. Carefully, you reached out a hand and placed it against his cheek, feeling the way he leaned into your touch almost immediately. His eyes fluttered shut for the briefest of moments before they were searching your face again, almost fervently.Â
âI justâŚâ you whispered, trying to commit this picture of him to memory.Â
What difference did it make?
It was hard to tell who moved first. Youâd like to believe it didnât matter.
The rhythm of your lips against his was unfamiliar at first, clumsy from years of disuse. Through slow and careful movements, you reacquainted yourself with the shape of Jaehyunâs mouth, the pillowy swell of his bottom lip as it gently slid in between your own. It fit there perfectly, like it always did. His hands came up to graze the curve of your waist, resting lightly on your skin as if he was afraid youâd crumble like sand in his grasp.Â
You tilted your head, parting your mouth ever so slightly to let the tip of your tongue brush against the underside of his top lip. The kiss changed immediately. You felt his surprise in the small puff of air that escaped through his nose and landed softly against your cheek. His fingers gripped at you with a newfound strength, pulling you flush against him. Even through the fabric of your shirts, the outline of his toned chest was unmistakable. Your hands found their home in the softness of hair at the nape of his neck, revelling in the throaty sound that left him as you ran your hands through it.Â
How had you denied yourself of this for so long?
Jaehyun must have pulled away first, because suddenly you could breathe again, shaky gasps coming in and out through your mouth. He fared no better, pressing his forehead gently against yours while he tried to catch his breath.
You couldnât think. You felt electrified, as if every nerve ending in your body was simultaneously firing, as if your blood was laced with dynamite. Hell, you had half a mind to invite him up to your room and finish off what you had so brazenly started.
âItâs late,â he finally managed, voice rough. âYou should head in.â His hands, however, stayed firmly in place around your waist. You watched as his Adamâs apple bobbed up and down with each swallow.
Right. Perhaps it was best to let the night end here, before you could do anything else that you might regret.Â
âYeah, I should probably,â you murmured, catching the way his eyes followed each movement of your mouth as you spoke. The sound of your voice seemed to break the daze he was in, and you felt his grip on you loosen, slowly and reluctantly. The arms you had looped around his neck made their way back to your sides. You were released from his warmth far too quickly.
Impulsive decisions (like inviting your ex-boyfriend to spend the night in your one-bedroom apartment with nowhere to sleep except in your bed) seldom ended well. You shouldâve known better than to make those rookie mistakes.
You had barely turned around to walk up to your building doors when Jaehyun wrapped a warm hand around your wrist and pulled you back into him. He pressed his lips to yours, swallowing the small noise of surprise that left your mouth. This time, his kiss was softer, surer, and in it you tasted the sweetness of unspoken promises he was determined to keep.Â
âIâll see you when I get back,â he said, dark eyes fixed on you with conviction. Your lip colour had smudged by the side of his mouth, leaving behind a faint pink stain that only added to the pretty hue of his now kiss-swollen lips.Â
He was still the most gorgeous person you had ever seen.Â
âSee you when youâre back, then,â you echoed.Â
Some odd emotion, neither happy nor sad, settled in your chest as you pushed open the door to the emptiness of your home. You had rushed to the window, hoping to catch a glimpse of Jaehyun before he left, only to find he had gone already, and the sidewalk outside your building was as vacant as to be expected for this hour of the night.
No matter. Youâd wait for him to come back.Â
âOne more prosecco before he disappears to the bathroom for the rest of the night.â
You cast a glance at the catering table and clicked your tongue against your teeth.
âHalf a prosecco,â you concluded, taking a sip from your own glass.Â
Joy raised a shapely eyebrow at you. âYou know it doesnât hit until at least twenty minutes after he gets the munchies.â
âTrue, but he specifically told me he skipped lunch today so it would hit earlier, and heâd have the energy to mingle.â
âWell,â she shrugged, âI guess thatâd do it.â
The two of you turned your gazes back to the catering table, where Jungwoo was doing some serious damage to the salmon ceviche tostadas. The glass in his hand was empty, and you watched as he asked for a refill from one of the waitstaff.
âSomeone should really stop him,â Joy sighed. âBefore we get a repeat of last year.â
âSomeone should,â you agreed.
Neither of you made a move.
As far as year-end wrap-up events went, this one wasnât too bad, even if it was your first at the company. This year, HR had managed to book one of the smaller function rooms at an upscale hotel, with an open bar and hors dâoeuvres menu to match. It was a nice chance to celebrate the yearâs achievements, and get to know the other people in the department a little better. Already a year in this place, and youâd be lying if you said you knew the name of every person on your floor.
September to November had flown by in a blur. Recruitment for the companyâs graduate program next year had been an intensive few months of screening, interviewing, reviewing, and then interviewing again. As hectic as it had been, the fruits of your teamâs efforts had been warmly recognised with smiles and praises from the senior managers and higher-ups youâd had the chance to speak with tonight.Â
Traditionally, each department hosted their own event, though from what you gathered, HR and Marketing were the only ones that put in any real effort. While HR liked to keep things classy, Marketing liked to go all out.
âDo you think itâs true that Marketing rented out a yacht this year?â you asked. Surely their budget wasnât that excessive.
Joy made a face. âGod, I hope not. Itâs the middle of December. Iâd be surprised if the Han River wasnât all frozen over.â
Winter had come early this year, sinking its cold fingers into November and staking its claim. Yet, there had been no snow, even though it was only a few days out from the holidays. Though it was nice that your clothes stayed relatively dry all day from the lack of precipitation, you couldnât help but miss the sight of the city covered in a blanket of white softness.Â
âThere he goes,â Joy said, nudging your arm. You turned to see Jungwoo excuse himself from the conversation, setting down a barely-touched glass on the tablecloth. He made a beeline for the menâs restrooms, or as close to a beeline as he could manage in his current state, face flushed and a little queasy.
It was a good thing the companyâs holiday closure started tomorrow.
âOkay, you win. Want to come and get a refill with me?â she asked. âWe can say hi to a few of the directors over there.â
The thought of having to network with more seniors, when you had already spent the last hour and a half donning bright smiles and laughing politely at their lacklustre jokes, was not a pleasant one. You knew it would be a good thing for you to go and introduce yourself, but your battery for social interaction had long since been depleted. Perhaps you shouldâve taken a page out of Jungwooâs book.
Still, you flashed Joy a grateful smile. âYou go ahead. I might grab some air, actually.â
âOkay,â she replied, eyes warm with understanding. âBut make sure you put your coat on. Itâs freezing out there.â
She was right, of course. The toasty interior of the function room was a completely different world from the frigid gust of wind that greeted you as soon as you pulled the sliding door open. An upscale hotel needed to have a matching upscale view of the city. You leaned against the balcony railing, blocking out the icy sting of the metal against your hands, and took in the sight of the not-quite-frozen Han River below, and the sparkling Seoul Tower further away on the skyline.
Youâd only be out here for a little bit, you told yourself. Just a few minutes, and then youâd head home.
Truthfully, you could have left half an hour ago when your reserves for socialising had just run out, and be within the warm and familiar confines of your own bed right now, doom-scrolling to your heartâs content. But these days, the solitude of your apartment that you had once found comforting had evolved into a loneliness that youâd rather avoid.Â
The empty echoes of your own footsteps across the tiled floors didnât bounce against the walls like deep laughter did.
Absent-mindedly, you thumbed at the pendant sitting at the hollow of your throat. You had turned your jewellery box inside out, almost fully convinced that you had lost the thing entirely until you finally spotted the milky pearl set in white gold, underneath all the other chains. It was gorgeous when you had first opened the velvet box all those years ago, and it still was now, even if you hadnât seen it for quite some time. Jaehyun always had an eye for beautiful things.
You werenât the only one who endured a few packed and chaotic months. Johnnyâs team had flown out of the country the Wednesday after Joyâs birthday and had been sequestered in New York ever since. Between your swamped schedules and the 14 hour time difference, conversations with Jaehyun were intermittent at best, and sparse and uncoordinated at worst. Sometimes heâd message with silly little things, like the time he sent you a picture of a doll sitting in the window of an antique shop.
this reminded me of you, the accompanying text had said.
He was due back soon, and there was still much left to be said, but above all, you only hoped that he was well, and that the New York winter was much more forgiving than it was here at home.
The cloudy wisps of air formed by your breath floated upwards before they dissipated into the night sky. No wonder the balcony was empty â who would want to be out here when there were mozzarella stuffed mushrooms and central heating on the other side of the glass?
You heard the doors slide open behind you as someone else equally as crazy decided to step out into the cold. Just as well. It was time for you to head back anyways. You turned to make your way inside, only to freeze in your tracks.
âThey told me Iâd find you out here. You really know how to pick a spot, huh?â
A soft gasp left your mouth.
âJaehyun?â
He gave you a smile, your favourite smile, where his dimples were only just visible, and there was the hint of a pout to the shape of his lips. He was here, and he was in front of you, looking at you like you were the most wonderful thing in the world that he would ever have the good fortune of knowing. Your chest swelled almost painfully at the sight of him.
âWhen did you get back? How did you even get in here?â
âWe landed in Incheon earlier this afternoon. I had to pay the door guy outside a hundred bucks for him to let me in.â
Your eyes widened. âHe canât make you do that!â
âJust kidding,â Jaehyun chuckled. âI only had to show him my company ID.â
He walked over to where you stood by the railing and rested his arms against the metal. His profile was sharp against the darkness of the night sky, and you took a moment to study the details while he took in the view.Â
âAre you tired?â you asked. âIt canât be easy adjusting to the time difference.â
âA little,â he admitted. The bags under his eyes were dark and purple now that you could see his face up close. He must have been exhausted. Nobody ever slept well on long haul flights. âYou should see Johnny though. He would have come tonight, but jet lag is seriously kicking his ass.â
You shared a laugh, traces of your breaths mingling in the air. Beside him, you settled back into your original spot, mirroring the way he leaned against the metal railing. Jaehyun was close, but not too close, your elbows only a few centimetres apart. A mellow silence settled over the balcony as you gazed out at the river, watching the never-ending stream of cars as they circled the waterfront.Â
With even this, you were content. His mere presence next to you was a remedy in itself, regardless of the words shared or touches exchanged. You felt more at home in this moment now than you had in over 3 months.
âIâve missed you,â he said, still gazing out into the distance. The gravity in his voice hinted at circumstances beyond the recent season he had spent on the other side of the world. And yet, he had said it so simply, as if the words were an immovable truth that would withstand the corrosion of time.
âIâve missed you too,â you replied.
Maybe it was just that simple, because it was the truth. The nights weathered away in your own apartment were only lonely because there had been an absence of him, an absence that was known to you, even if you had not felt it for many years.
He turned to you, taking in a shaky breath. âI should never have let you go.â
âOh, Jaehyunââ
âI was young, and foolish, and I thought I knew what I wanted. And I had you, but I thought I wanted more, because I wanted everything. I wanted the whole damn world.â
Something sharp pricked behind your eyes as you listened to the honesty pouring out of him.
âAnd then I lost you, and it wasâgod, it was⌠like someone had sucked all the colour out of my life. And I had no one to blame, because I was the one who did that to myself. To us.â
It was so hard to not notice the pain etched into his beautiful features. The tight set of his jaw. The redness that rimmed his eyes. Your fingers ached to reach over and smooth out the crease between his brows.
âThere were so many things I could have done to make things right between us again. Even if you wouldnât have me back. But my pride, and my ego⌠I did nothingââ
âYou canât pin it all on yourself, Jaehyun,â you said, shaking your head. âI had no idea what I wanted. And even when I did, I never actedâI never stood up for myself. I couldâve fought for us, but I didnât. I just accepted everything. Hell, I never even told you how I felt.â
You flashed him a watery smile. âWe needed the time away from each other, donât you think?âÂ
There was a moment where the two of you simply stared at each other. A hurricane of repressed emotions swirled in your chest, finally breaking the surface five years on. Jaehyun must have felt the same, reliving all those memories now. You could see it on his face.
Youth was so beautiful, and precious â even the heartbreak, and all the other foolish things that came along with it.Â
âI let you go once, and maybe that was meant to happen.â He took a step closer. âBut weâre not dumb teenagers anymore. Iâm not⌠I wonât make the same mistake twice.â
His eyes locked on yours as he gazed at you with reverence. âDonât you still feel the same? Even after all these years?â
I do, you wanted to say.Â
You would have too, if it werenât for the small speck of white that landed in Jaehyunâs dark hair. It was visible for only a few seconds before melting away. You looked up and sure enough, the night sky was dotted with white.
âFirst snow,â you breathed, watching as the snowflakes fell from the sky. âDo you know what that means?â
Jaehyun gave you a small shake of his head. Of course. He never believed in superstitions.
You reached for his hand, feeling his fingers respond to yours immediately. He was so warm, and his touch breathed life back into your frozen body.
âIf you see the first snow with someone you love, it means that your love will be true and long-lasting.â
A few seconds passed as he took in your words, trying to make sense of them.
âYou⌠love me?â
âI do,â you admitted. A teardrop finally spilled out from your waterline, leaving behind a wet track on your cheek that stung in the cold. âEven when I thought I hated you, deep down, I think I still loved you.â
One of his hands came up to wipe away the trail of moisture from the escaped tear. The action sent a shiver through your entire body.
âI never stopped loving you,â he confessed softly, stroking your cheek. You felt it then, that deep, aching feeling that had threaded itself into the very marrow of your bones.Â
Longing. You longed for his presence, his smile, his touch. You longed to hold his heart in your hands again, and give him yours in exchange. You had missed him more than you could bear, and here he was, telling you his heart was where it had always been, sitting in the centre of your palm.Â
Perfect moments didnât exist, but damn did this one come close.
âCome here,â Jaehyun whispered, pulling you into him.Â
His mouth was just as sweet as you remembered. His lips were a little rougher, slightly chapped from the cold. His kiss was slow and patient, taking his time to explore the shape of your mouth and mould to it again. You felt his smile, the slight tension in his bottom lip giving him away, and you couldnât help but reciprocate, a quiet giggle bubbling in your chest before escaping through your lips.Â
âI really fucking missed you,â you mumbled against his mouth, another giggle accompanying the words. âYou kissed me and then you were on a plane to the other side of the world.âÂ
âI told you Iâd see you when I was back, didnât I?â he reminded, giving your waist a small squeeze. âAnd for the record, you kissed me. Not that it matters.â
You swatted a hand against his chest. âI see you still care too much about technicalities.â
Jaehyun only laughed, that deep and familiar sound you had craved to hear for the last 3 months. He pulled your hands into his warm ones, and pressed his lips to your knuckles.Â
âYour hands are cold,â he murmured, wrapping his fingers around yours.Â
âWell, I was about to head back inside when you found me. Itâs nice and toasty in there.â
âDo you want to go in now?â
You looped your arms around his neck and buried your head into the crook of it. âLetâs just stay out here for a little bit longer,â you said, words muffled by the fabric of his coat. âYou always run hot in the colder months anyways. Enough to keep me warm.â
He hummed in agreement, holding you flush against him as the snow fell around you. In his arms, you were the most at ease you had been in years, and the thought was almost enough to bring a fresh new wave of moisture to your eyes.Â
âWhat is thatâsomethingâs digging in,â he suddenly said, pulling away from you. His eyes landed on the pendant that had slipped out from underneath the lapels of your coat. Wordlessly, he reached for it, running his thumb across the pale pearl that hung from your neck.Â
âYou kept this?âÂ
âOf course,â you answered. âYou kept yours.â
He smiled, a big one, dimples marking his cheeks. âOf course,â he repeated.Â
âWeâre lucky, arenât we? To have found each other again after all this time?â
Jaehyunâs reply took the form of another sweet and unhurried kiss. It warmed you from the inside out, all the way down to the tips of your toes.
âSo weâre really doing this, right?â he asked. âWeâre giving us a second chance?â
You raised an eyebrow. âAre you telling me you said all that earlier just for shits and giggles?â
âOf course not,â he chuckled, squeezing your sides again. âI just wanted to make sure. I think I might lose faith in the world if you tell me you donât want to be with me.â
âYou have nothing to worry about,â you reassured. The snow was sticking to his hair, and you took a second to run your hands through it, brushing off the half-melted pieces. His eyes fondly followed your every movement.
âGood, because I plan on keeping you for a long time.â
You returned inside shortly after. The snow had picked up and it was clear that you couldnât stay out for much longer (unless you wanted hypothermia, which neither of you did). The function hall was much emptier now than it had been when you stepped out, and of the remaining faces, none of them were familiar.Â
A quick glance at your phone showed a few unread messages from Joy.Â
joy [08:32 pm]: hey, had to leave, doyoungâs still working tomorrow so itâs an early night for me joy [08:33 pm]: hope you and jaehyun work things out joy [08:33 pm]: iâm rooting for you guys!!
joy [08:37 pm]: also can you see if jungwoo is okay joy [08:38 pm]: i donât think heâs come out yet
âCan I ask a favour, just before we go?â
Jaehyun smiled back at you sweetly, devotion written in his eyes. âAnything.â
âPop into the menâs room and check if Jungwooâs still alive?â
Life was a funny thing.Â
âThere are so few things in life that are guaranteed. Death, for one, and taxes, for another. Sorry if that was a bit dark and killed the mood. You can laugh, by the way. But I think everyone here would agree, neither of those two are all that conducive to happiness.â
Roundabout.Â
âSo when the girl youâve been chasing, for what feels like an eternity, finally gives you a second chance, you absolutely cannot take it for granted. You grab onto that chance with both hands, and even your teeth if you have to. Itâs no guarantee for happiness, but itâs your best bet.â
Unpredictable.Â
âIâm not a God-fearing man, but Iâm a God-believing man. I thank God everyday for bringing such a magnificent woman into my life.â
He raised his glass.Â
âJoy, you make me the happiest person in the world, and I canât wait to be married to you.â
The crowd broke into warm applause as Doyoung finished off his impromptu speech by planting a kiss on his bride-to-be.
âHeâs so good at talking,â you mused, wrapping your arm around Jaehyunâs. âIf thatâs his toast for this, I wonder what his vows will be like.â
A year ago, you would never have believed that youâd be attending your co-workerâs engagement party, much less with your ex-boyfriend who you hadnât seen in 5 years. Spring had well and truly arrived, and with it came promises of love and new beginnings. The last rays of the April afternoon sunlight filtered through the windows of the riverside art centre. The venue was gorgeous, floating on the edge of the river with unobstructed views of the skyline and where it met the water â as always, Joy knew how to pick a spot.
âI didnât know she rejected him before they got together. He must have really liked her.â
Jaehyun gave you a crooked smile. âFour years of university, and he never gave up. Even when she started dating that blockhead from liberal arts.â
âI bet he wouldâve felt like the luckiest guy in the world when she finally said yes to a date,â you said, watching as the happy couple shared a moment, giggling about something nobody else was privy to. Jaehyun followed your gaze and made a small noise of agreement.
âNot as lucky as I am to have found you again.â
He ran his thumb across your knuckles. You couldâve sworn there was stardust sprinkled into those pretty brown eyes of his.
Life was a funny thing, for sure. It had a funny way of bringing back things you once thought you had lost forever. You knew now that you had to seize them before they passed by. Who knew if theyâd ever turn up again?
âOkay, thatâs enough.â
Jungwoo set his glass down on the table with a loud thunk, lightly startling you.
âIâm right here. You guys know that, right? I am right in front of you.â
A sheepish smile was thrown his way. âSorry.â You patted his hand once, softly. âYour time will come, Iâm sure of it,â you reassured. âHow did the date with the KU Business girl go?â
âI flaked,â Jungwoo said simply.
âNo! Why?â
He sighed. âBlind dates are really not my thing. Itâs too awkward. And it feels so superficial. Like, what if you have nothing in common, or thereâs no physical attraction, orââÂ
Jungwoo paused, cutting himself off. âActually, Iâm not talking about this with you people. Iâm going to get another drink.â With that, he turned and headed straight for the cocktail bar. You and Jaehyun gazed at him from behind as he walked off.
âIâm gonna be babysitting him again tonight, arenât I?â Jaehyun asked, the question directed at nobody in particular.
âPeople are going to start wondering if youâre dating me or him.â
His mouth curled into a smirk. âShould I give them a reminder?â
âMy boss is standing right over there, so no.â
Junmyeon and Irene were still going steady, to your surprise. Youâd probably be seeing more and more of him, since Joy and the rest of the Parks genuinely treated Irene like one of their own. The thought wasnât exactly a pleasant one, but not awful either. Maybe you were warming up to him.
âAlso, you should probably be careful about who you call blockhead,â you said to Jaehyun, holding back a smile.
He fixed you with a suspicious stare. âAnd whatâs that supposed to mean?â
âYou know,â you trailed off, gesturing vaguely at his head. The smile broke through, your cheeks lifting as you tried to keep the laughter from coming out. He, on the other hand, was thoroughly unimpressed.
âYou should really watch your mouth,â he said lowly, though he was smiling. There was a look in his eyes that sent a jolt straight to the pit of your stomach.
âOr what?â
His hands were all over you before you even made it through the door.
âMy beautiful, gorgeous, sexy girlfriend,â he mumbled, peppering your neck with kisses between each adjective. The keypad finally beeped and you pushed down on the handle, letting the door swing open as you pulled him in by the collar.
âStop talking and just kiss me,â you sighed, dragging his face back up to yours. He was all too eager to comply, mouth slotting over yours with practised ease. His tongue brushed along yours in the way he knew you liked, pulling your bottom lip into his mouth with just the right amount of pressure. Fire licked at your insides as he drew a light moan from you.
Four months in, the second time around, and everything with Jaehyun was still electrifying. Â
Your hands fumbled with the buttons on his shirt, finally succeeding with undoing the top one after a few tries. Hands came up around the back of your thighs, lifting you up onto his kitchen countertop. The marble was cool to the touch, and you felt it through the silk of your dress, a soft gasp of surprise flying from your mouth into his awaiting one.
âBeen wanting to do this all day, ever since you put this thing on,â Jaehyun rasped. The heat of his body radiated into you from where he stood between your parted legs. He was so warm up against you, and he smelled so good, you were positively light-headed with desire.
His mouth ghosted over the shell of your ear, sending a shiver through you. âYou look so fucking good,â he said, teeth gently grazing the skin of your neck. âMy pretty girl.â The quick press of his hips into yours pulled another moan out of you, and you braced a hand against the marble countertop.
Your fingers knocked against the edge of something sharp and sent it tumbling to the floor, where it landed with a heavier thud than you were expecting.
âWhat was that?â you forced out in between gasps. Jaehyunâs teeth nipped at your collarbone, showing no signs of letting up. âWait, Jae, something fell on the floor.â
You had smashed a mug in your apartment in the midst of it once. Better safe than sorry.
Reluctantly, Jaehyun detached himself from you and bent down to retrieve the fallen item. He was breathing hard as he picked up a thick, padded envelope, and flipped it over to read the details.
âPhotos,â he finally managed, tossing the package back onto the counter. âWe can look at them later.â
His mouth was on you again, working at the spot between your neck and shoulder that always had your knees weak and toes curling.Â
âWait,â you giggled, âmy film photos? I want to see.â He had sent the camera off almost two weeks ago, and you had been (im)patiently waiting for the developed pictures to be sent back.Â
Jaehyun looked up at you with hooded eyes. âReally? You want to look at them now?â
You nodded.Â
A beat passed before his face broke into a lazy smile.Â
âOkay,â he chuckled softly, reaching for the envelope again.Â
There was a good stack in there. The ones on top were more recent, with a few shots from his birthday that had recently passed. You had taken him ice skating at the outdoor rink atop Namsan Mountain. The twinkling lights that hung from the trees surrounding the rink were still beautiful, even through photos. Jaehyun was good at so many things that it was unfair â how could he be so talented and have a face like that? â but on that day, you discovered that ice skating was not one of his strengths, and the bruises on his tailbone could attest to that.Â
âThe colouring on these is really nice,â you murmured, flicking through the photos.
He hummed. âThey are. This place doesnât over-saturate the images, which is why I like them.â
A few more pictures from Christmas, where the two of you had set up a pillow fort â it had always been a childhood dream of yours â and stayed in watching movies for three whole days because it was too cold to do anything that required leaving the house. Funnily enough though, you had spent New Yearâs Eve out in the cold with a few thousand others, waiting for the annual fireworks. There were a few shots of those as well.Â
You neared the bottom of the stack, recognising the blur of colours that formed the crowd of the jazz festival from last year.
âAll of these are out of focus,â you complained, a pout adorning your lips. The shots of the stage, of the artists, even the one of Jaehyun and the cute face he made trying to fit the burger in his mouth. Only the two pictures of you were crisply defined, because he had taken them.Â
You flipped to the last photo. It was the one you took at the end of the show, during the closing bars of Lauvâs set. Miraculously, this one was in focus. You could see the press of your cheek against Jaehyunâs, and the slight surprise in his eyes as you had clicked the shutter. Lauv was nowhere to be seen, but maybe a clear shot of him as well would have been asking for too much.Â
âCan I say something cheesy?â Jaehyun asked softly.Â
âYouâll say it anyway.â
âI really wanted to kiss you. On this day.â
Strange, that it was these words which brought heat to your cheeks. Surely there were other things that would be more appropriate to blush about, instead of a months-late admission that was degrees more innocent than your current situation, where Jaehyunâs shirt was half undone, and the fabric of your dress was bunched up around your hips.Â
âI wanted to kiss you right there, in the crowd. And then I wanted to kiss you again, here, when you made that stupid ramen joke. And when you had that chilli flake stuck on the corner of your mouth.â
You set the last photo down on the counter and turned back to Jaehyun, who was still standing between your knees.Â
âAnd how about now?â you asked, the corners of your mouth lifting in a teasing smile.Â
He cradled your chin, tilting your face towards his, and let the pad of his thumb brush over the swell of your bottom lip.Â
âI think you already know the answer to that.â
The crescent moon was high and luminescent in the sky when you caught your breath again, the last few waves of euphoria ebbing away through your body. Jaehyun always indulged you.
Maybe a little too much.Â
You turned to him, nestling your face into the crook of his neck and breathing in the scent of soap and his skin. A finger lazily traced over the ridges of his stomach.Â
âThat tickles,â he mumbled into your hair. It mustâve still been damp from the shower, but he didnât seem to mind. Fatigue was already tugging away at him.Â
âDo you want me to stop?â you asked softly, looking up at him.Â
He shook his head, just slightly. âI like knowing youâre there.â
You resumed your movements, but it was only a few seconds before Jaehyun was shifting, soft laughs filling the intimate space of his bedroom. Â
âThat really does tickle,â he said, smile threaded into his voice. One of his hands reached for yours, pulling it up to rest against his chest. The gentle press of his lips on your forehead was a delicate thing.Â
You fell asleep like that, feeling the steady beat of his heart, quiet and sure beneath your fingertips. It was warm in his hold, and safe. There was no other home you needed to know.
#jaehyun#nct jaehyun#jaehyun x reader#jaehyun angst#jaehyun fluff#jaehyun smut#jaehyun fic#nct 127#nct 127 x reader#jeong jaehyun#nct jaehyun x reader#nct x reader#nct 127 fanfic#kaleidohscopic works
243 notes
¡
View notes
Text
Prev / Next / Beginning
TW: Self Harm Mentioned/Implied
AN: next update our ladies will have a proper reunion but first tree farm tree farm! (Even though only the poor kids- and Bob- are the only ones super excited about it)
Transcript under the cut
Nancy Narrates: [All those years Iâve spent yearning, wanting, my whole self calling for herâand now sheâs here]
Nancy Narrates: [This isnât a dream. Sheâs here. I can feel the warmth in her cheek]
Nancy: I- Iâm sorry! I didnât mean to- I donât know why I did that. I shouldnât have-
Vanessa: [laughs] Itâs ok, Nancy! Itâs good to see you too.
Vanessa: Wow, look at you. Youâre all grown up, arenât you?
Nancy: I- I-
Vanessa: Still filled to the brim with tears too.
Nancy: [softly] Sorry. I thought.. I thought Iâd never see you again.
Vanessa: 16 years is a long time. I was worried you would have forgotten all about me.
Nancy: I could never forget you.
Vanessa: Iâve come all this way to see you.
Nancy: Have you really?
Vanessa: I know itâs been years, but I was hoping we could reconnect. Iâm staying at the Fyres Hotel. Maybe we could have dinner there tonight. Catch up?
Nancy Narrates: [I had to physically restrain myself from saying yes. I realized, after all these years, I still would have followed her anywhere...but it canât be this way. Not anymore..]
Nancy: [exhales] I canât. Iâm sorry. I had plans.
Vanessa: Ah! Well. I did pop in last minute. Maybe some other-
Nancy: You could come with me! I mean, If you like? Weâre supposed to get a Christmas tree for the house; trying to set new traditions and what not.
Nancy: Itâs silly but itâs important to them- my sons. I have two boys, by the way. I have to do this for them but- youâre here and I donât know if I can see you leave again. God, am I rambling too much?
Vanessa: You want me to go tree shopping with you and your children?
Nancy: [blushes] Will you?
Vanessa: Lead the way.
-
Malcolm: Whatâs taking that lady so long!
Jonathan: Should we try and call mom again?
Geoffrey: [hums noncommittally]
Malcolm: Heâs not even listening!
Bob: Hellooo? Earth to Geoffrey?
Bob: Iggy say, âwhatâs eatinâ ya, Uncle G?â
Iggy: [coos]
Geoffrey: Heh, sorry! Sorry. I guess I got alot on my mind right now.
Eliza: Is everything ok?
Geoffrey: Oh, yeah! Yeah, yeah- well...I guess Iâm thinking about Nance?
Eliza: Whatâs wrong with Nancy?
Geoffrey: Iâve been thinking about what happened on our anniversary trip.
Bob: Yeah? What was it?
Malcolm: Mommyâs here!! Mommyâs here!!
Malcolm: Er, whoâs that with my mommy?
Bob: Well, Iâll be damned! Talk about a throwback!
Eliza: [whistles] Oh, wow! Who is that? Is she a model?: Well, Iâll be damned! Talk about a throwback!
Geoffrey: Vanessa Villareal?
Nancy: These are my sons, Jonathan and Malcolm.
Vanessa: Oh! Oh, Nancy, they are beautiful.
Malcolm: Who are you, lady!
Nancy: Donât be rude, darling. Vanessa is- was- sheâs my..
Vanessa: Iâm your motherâs best friend.
Jonathan: Iâm Jonathan, but call me Johnny. This loud mouth is Malcolm.
Vanessa: Johnny it is. You must get those cool, blue eyes from your momâs brother.
Jonathan: You knew my Uncle Nathan?
Vanessa: No, but I saw a picture once, a long time ago.
Vanessa: [turns to Malcolm] And you look just like your mother.
Malcolm: Are you a movie star too?
Vanessa: [chuckles] No, Iâm not a movie star.
Malcolm: Then who are you lady?
Vanessa: Iâm your Auntie V. You can call me that, if you like.
Malcolm: Aunt V, are you gonna pick out a tree with us?
Vanessa: You bet. You should know, I have a keen eye.
Nancy: Sorry Iâm late..
Geoffrey: Better late than never. I see you had an eventful day.
Malcolm: No more talking! Letâs go already!
Jonathan: I want to find our tree with mom!
Malcolm: Well Iâm taking daddy!
Bob: Alright! Long time no see, VV! Man, itâs been a while, huh?
Vanessa: Just V is fine. Billy, right?
Bob: [sighs] Itâs Bobby. This is my wife, Eliza and this cool guy is Iggy.
Vanessa: [sheepishly] Right. Nice to meet you. Wasnât there another one of you?
Bob: [chuckles] Cassie. We still keep in touch. Sheâs a travel blogger now. And Iâm sure you remember olâ Geoffrey here.
Geoffrey: Good seeing you, Vanessa.
Vanessa: Likewise.
Bob: Heck yeah! Let the festivities begin!
-
Jonathan: This one! This is the perfect tree, right, Mom?
Nancy: Mhm. Yes, thatâs nice- Iâll be right back.
Jonathan: Oh..
Bob: Alright, whatâs going on? You can tell me, itâs just us guys now, and Iggy here is great at keeping secrets.
Geoffrey: Nance was so sad on our trip, sadder than usual. I havenât seen her so low since- well, since Vanessa left. And she kept apologizing to me.
Bob: Youâve mentioned before she gets in a mood sometimes, right?
Geoffrey: Well, yeah... thatâs not all. I saw these bruises on the inside of her thigh.
Bob: [eyes widen] You think sheâs hurting herself?
Geoffrey: Is that it, you think? At first I thought they were- you know, hickies?
Bob: Whoa. Hickies? On Nancy?
Geoffrey: [snorts] Thatâs crazy, right?
Bob: You should talk to her. If she is harming herself, you should get her help, bud.
Geoffrey: And if itâs not that...
Bob: Then, thatâs another kind of conversation. But this is Nancy weâre talking about. You two have been bit by the love bug since high school. I canât imagine her having an affair with some other guy.
-
Nancy: Hi.
Vanessa: Hi.
Nancy: Sorry if Iâm being...odd. I guess, Iâm still getting used to seeing you.
Vanessa: I donât think youâre being odd. I think youâre being you.
Nancy: Is that a bad thing?
Vanessa: [giggles] No, not at all. You havenât changed and itâs refreshing.
Nancy: Ah. Well. You havenât either. I mean..you still feel like my Vanessa.
Nancy Narrates: [All those questions I craved answers for came rushing back to me the more I looked at her. Was my loving her just a girlish memory of our past? Did she ever hear my voicemail? Was it worth mentioning after almost 2 decades apart? After Iâve already married and had children? After Iâve sworn to dedicate my all to them-]
Vanessa: So, about that dinner. Are you free tonight?
#the art of being seen#the landgraabs#tw self harm mentioned#tw self harm#mentioned only#sims 4 simblr#ts4 simblr#sims 4 stories#sims 4#sims
120 notes
¡
View notes
Text
Babygirl. We have come so far.
Today, your thoughts turned around to the past. They shook hands with the way we used to treat ourselves. It started off on a note I'd never expect it to start off of, though; look at that picture of me, the one in the natural pool in Madeira. The first time I looked at it, I was truly surprised and shooketh. "Damn, I look thin", as to which niklas said that that's how I always look, I am, in fact, thin. I didn't count, but I think I asked him at least 3 times. "Do I truly look like this?" He did say that the angle might be making me look extra thin, but yes. Suddenly, it all clicked. How to him, I can seem so fragile. So fragile that he'd always let me walk first on hikes to make sure the pace is okay, always carrying the backpack himself. The way he is scared of hurting me, like, physically. The picture looks like a tiny, thin, and fragile girl. Yeah tbh, she also doesn't look particularly strong. You can see her collarbones. Her ribs. Her shoulders. Tbh, she also looks a bit like a petshop. I do think the gopro did something with the angle there, u can't tell me my head is out of proportion to my tiny body, lol. My point is. Today, I was doubting whether or not I should eat those cookies. After thinking if it'd make me thick, I remembered. I am v thin, more weight wouldn't be so bad.
I never expected to truly feel skinny. Or well, 'too skinny', at least. To think I could gain some weight; it wouldn't be a problem. That is very new to me. After 25 years. Some of those years being spend hating my body and my belly and feeling overweight, even if my teacher even told me that being underweight is dangerous, her eyes seemingly insinuating the obvious.
Yet here I am. This one picture. And tbh, the other pics or videos of this vacation, don't have the same vibe. So I do think it's the angle. And maybe a bit of a fishbowl effect. Either way. It got me thinking. And suddenly I was thinking of it again: boobs. I am also reading 'the 7 husband's of Evelyn Hugo', who seduced men with her big boobs. Somehow, booby enlargement came to my mind again. Why? It's been so long. I have learned to love my boobs, yet this blast of the past came into my head. Actually,.. it is just a thought. It is actually nice. A reminder of where we came from.
How I hated my body in the past. And here I am. Loving every single part of it. Frankly, I love my boobs the way they are. Sure, they might not be super big, but I don't need to hold them when I run or sprint down the stairs. Sure, they are soft in the middle instead of pointy, but I think it's fascinating how certain temperatures, moods and touches can change that. Sure, they don't touch, but at least it also won't create a hot brew in there or trap my clothes inbetween or underneath my boobs. Honestly, they are truly perfect. (Even the little pimple on there right now. Even though I am a bit scared; is it truly a pimple? It should be, it behaves like one for sure.) I can cup one into my hand; it is a perfect fit. As if they were made to be held so gently and smoothly. So filled with love. So, ... true. My hand can touch all of its beautiful creases. They don't overflow my hands, nor do I need to search to find them. Sure, some might have bigger boobs, but not everyone likes that. Some people get attention just because of it. I am truly happy to be able to say that a lot of people just like me for my personality. The looks are for sure also there, but at least my boobs don't get eye-fucked or objectified. I am myself. Perfect the way I am. And I am grateful to be this exact way. I think my boobs are adorable, they are cute, and truly. Truly beautiful. Thanks boobs, for being w me always. And I'm sorry that I didn't see the beauty of you guys for a part of my life. I am happy that I do now, since a while. Love u, boobies. Lol.
Anyhow. I wish to send myself love letters. See this is a loveletter to one of the bodyparts which I was insecure about in the past. Let me show them some true love, which is exactly what they deserve.
24K notes
¡
View notes
Text
i love kot kot. i've always loved kot kot. and i'm gonna tell you why.
i think it's a beautiful song, i think it's a banger, i think it's a nostalgic sound, and i think it's an incredibly sad song.
musically, i think kot kot sounds like a summer night in finland. the contrast between the melodic, soaring chorus and the darker, harder verses sounds like walking back and forth between the bright light midnight and the dark clubs or bars or restaurants or something. going from the first verse into the chorus again feels like stepping out from a dark venue and it's 2 am but the light outside is the same as it was when you went in hours ago. it's actually super eerie the way time doesn't seem to move at all during the height of summer in finland. it's a sort of a liminal space that can feel either like never ending horror or an addictive state of true living, depening on how you deal with endless light.Â
this is a summer song to me.
i love love love the free flying chorus.
i love love love the old school sound of the verses.
the chorus is beautiful with it's long soaring vowels and lines. the verses are mega bangers that remind of early 2000's music. the echoes of like old school drum and bass, breakbeat etc. are super nostalgic to me and have sent me down the rabbit hole of music from my childhood multiple times since the song came out. and i personally love the contrasts and different sections in the song. i think they go together well, i don't think they clash.
i think jurek and allu have composed a clever song. and honestly allu deserves more recognition across the board i am sorry i've been slipping in that department.
now. to the sad part.
i always felt like the chorus was sort of... wistful and melancholic. but the album puts all of that in a different context. he's not just mr. lonely. he's fucking terrified of being alone.Â
"pelottaa, ettei jatkopläänit ehkä osukkaa, kuumottaa tosissaan, osote ois saatava, poket tos jo hoputta siis vastatkaa nyt saatana" meaning "i'm scared that after party plans will fall through, seriously getting jittery about it, i need an address, bouncers are on my case, somebody pick up the phone" like with the context of the full album now, it's really painting a picture of someone who does not want to go home and face being alone with his thoughts.
i remember when the song came out and people had all sorts of headcanons and ideas as to why the second time round the voice on the phone is in english - things like maybe he's making an international call or something. well, the truth is that in finland, that message is always played in three languages: finnish, swedish and english. so why is it in english the second time? honestly in all seriousness i think it's just a little nod to his international fans or something, like i don't think there is a real story reason for it. but if there was.. well, if anything, to me it suggests that he must have stayed on the phone, listening through the whole litany: valitsemaanne numeroon ei juuri nyt saada yhteyttä, kontakt med numret ni har valt füs ej, the number you have dialed cannot be reached. to get to the english part he has already been told twice in two languages that there is no one there, nobody is picking up, but he's still there.
honestly this song more than anything feels like the true pair of autiomaa, because to me, this song is someone trying to avoid feeling exactly the way autiomaa describes. feeling empty, feeling nothing, feeling alone. he says as much: "tää klubi on yht tyhjä ku sen katsoja" meaning this club is as empty as he who is looking at it. he's empty and finding other people to party and hang out with is the only way out of feeling empty, the only way to distract himself from the fact that he is lost.
and so for skit and autiomaa to come right after this? he has reached a breaking point and realised he has to face the nothingness inside.
and again, like with takavoltti, i think this song represents that long standing finnish tradition of writing funny lyrics about difficult subjects. it's also very very typical in finnish culture to make songs that seem to be about drinking on the surface level but are actually not about that. this song builds a lot of very comedic images: him vibing to celine dion alone in a club and refusing to leave, fighting with bouncers etc. and then of course there is the whole chicken thing with kot kot kot. it's funny - except it's not funny at all.
but the thing is, it's okay to find things funny in the song. they both are and are not funny at the same time, because isn't that what life is. i don't think the intention of these songs is to make you feel one specific way, it's just a matter of perspective. and that can change from day to day. so i think it's okay if one day the song breaks your heart on behalf of the käärijä in the story of the song, and on another day you just want to belt out the chorus and dance through the verses. it's all okay, it's all good.
and that's pretty skilled song writing.
66 notes
¡
View notes
Text
ok i have avoided talking abt my datv thoughts but now ive finished and slept on it here it is. this is huge btw and really just a way to process my thoughts for my own peace of mind. and get out what i need to say. so yeah word salad below
2 disclaimers before i start. firstly i think im going to be SUPER blunt and clear about my thoughts on this post but then i will mostly be putting the matter to bed in my heart bc i am not someone who delights in being a hater nor do i take comfort in it. i will take from this the things i enjoyed and keep my distance from the rest. second disclaimer: ultimately i think i will still enjoy being a part of the fandom and seeing other people enjoy the game, because it will endear it to me and maybe take away the pain im feeling right now, so this isnt a long rant to make you feel bad about enjoying the game if you do like it! in fact quite the opposite. it comforts me that there are people who find value in the game and i hope in watching you play it i may be able to eventually be able to say the same
that being said . obviously i didnt like the game
which is an extremely difficult thing for me to say. i went into this game thinking "i will at the VERY least enjoy the game. not love it but at least like it. but im sure ill love it". it really is quite distressing for me that it didnt even really reach that bar for the most part. i TRIED to like it. i begged this game to give me ANY handhold at all that i could cling to, to forgive and like this game. i think the things i liked err more on the technical side. the graphics i loved, the character DESIGN was *fantastic*. the art. the pacing. the vague vision of what they were obviously nebulously aiming for. and honestly, i mostly enjoyed the main plot although i wish it had been more disciplined and constrained with the lore it was trying to expand on. act 3 was fantastic and naturally i am happy and fulfilled for the most part by the conclusion of solas's story, who i still believe was and is the best written "villain" of dragon age. sorry logang and meredith nation but i do still stand by this.
but thats really about it. as a disclaimer i am not an origins puritan or a da2 diehard or anything like that. i have loved (almost equally) EVERY single iteration of dragon age which has been released. i am one of the few people who sees equal value in inquisition and origins. i love them both so deeply. i couldnt pick between them.
for me what i love the MOST about dragon age - and which every single previous game has always nailed despite other flaws - is the characters. right under that is the world's capacity for introspection. and unfortunately nothing in this game provided that for me
regarding the characters: i do not care about a single one of them unfortunately. or at least i do not CARE about them the way that i have CARED about the other previous games companions. companions i would write banter about !!! just for fun when i was bored!!!! i would say my only exception is harding, but even then i care about her only because i care about her due to inquisition. overall i just found them all so ..... shallow. and devoid of any of the conflict or nuance or ethical quandries that make biowares stories so compelling - and sure, usually controversial! i would give ANYTHING for this game to have been controversial. for a unforgivable RO, or a problematic fave, or a cancelled wife. did bioware forget that their most beloved or at least enjoyed characters are people like anders, merrill, mordin solus, blackwall, sten, loghain, SOLAS??? i dont understand HOW they could have forgotten that, because solas is literally right there in game and handled (in my opinion as a fan) well. love him or hate him or dont care about him, he is such a hallmark of great bioware writing (in dai if nothing else) - characters who are not EASY to like. characters who are not SAFE to write and who WILL generate criticism from all sides because they are written boldly and unapologetically, strengthened by a foundation of consistent ideals, clear objectives and beautiful faults. characters that do not NEED you to like them, but instead invite you to engage with them critically. solas, even to someone who hates him, is nuanced and morally complex enough to muse and fight over for 10 whole years. hes IN this game, just as ethically murky as ever, but the morally grey hallmark of biowares writing really does kind of live and die with him alone. the rest of the companions feel like they barely made it out of their concept phase. what are lucanis's flaws??? genuinely asking. other than being a murderer who exists in an organization which buys and trains literal child slaves of course, but i'll get to that in a sec (because bioware sure as fuck didnt). um, i guess you could say hes broody?? and emmrich too. what actual flaws does he have?? he has a fear of death, as we're TOLD, but it does not really reflect in the overall convesations we have with him over the course of the game. mostly hes just.... a little bumbling i guess. bellara's flaw is being a scatterbrain. harding's is that shes..... angry??? but shes not???? fucking come on. i really felt the lack of actually being able to TALK to these people at the end of act 2, when i realized i still felt like i havent really MET any of them. and yet here rook is talking about found family and being a team. ok
and then there are the romances. which from my perspective - having romanced taash - and my friends who have romanced lucanis, neve and davrin..... WHAT romances. davrin's full romance is 20 minutes in a 30 PLUS HOUR GAME. solas had the least amount of content out of any companion in inquisition and was a last minute unintentional RO and still had like easily 50 minutes of content. so why did these romances feel like nothing. actually nothing. i was so excited for taash, but their romance straight up felt like neither rook nor taash even wanted to be there. i forgot they were technically together at certain points. zero chemistry. zero intimacy. all TELLING zero SHOWING. if you had told me that i would be saying these sorts of things about a writer like trick weekes a month ago i would call you fucking crazy to your face. i cannot reconcile that taash was written by the same person who wrote solas. i cannot reconcile that mary kirby - who wrote the fucking chant of light - wrote lucanis. its so dire. its devastating actually.
lastly i want to talk about my other point - bioware's famed emphasis on introspection and ethically quandries. again, i'm genuinely experiencing a sense of profound whiplash because when it comes solas's character you can still see it. its still there. they actually doubled down on making him worse than he was in trespasser which i LOVED and thought was so incredibly promising. they could have caved to solavellan fans and uwu-ified him but they didnt. thats great.
but where was that energy for literally anything else. everything has been defanged - even minrathous, the capital of the tevinter slave trade, does not even ADDRESS the elephant in the room of slavery. and i know because i played a shadow dragon. so tell me why i as a shadow dragon am happily allied with the crows, who solely exist to assassinate politicians and BUY SLAVES. THEY BUY SLAVES. THEY BUY SLAVES AS CHILDREN AND TRAIN/TORTURE THEM TO MURDER. HELLO??????????? there is no commentary made about the mages/templars. there is no discussion of the treatment of the elves in the north or Anywhere. there is no discussion of why exactly blood magic is or isnt acceptable - they simply tell us its bad. all the theories of the last 10 years were answered with handwaved comments or bare bones codex entries that honestly stripped so much nuance away from so many things (the blight, my BELOVED) that i dont know how im going to go about fixing it or making it right in my head. the introspective nature of dragon age always went hand in hand with player choice, but there really WAS no choice in this game as so there IS no real capacity for other interpretations or schools of thought. it is so..........................bleak.
i think the thing that finally made it click in my head that this game had fundamentally let me down was the gloom howler quest. and i know im not alone on this. for those of you who dont know - the gloom howler, "isseya" was the protagonist of the dragon age novel "the last flight". i would HIGHLY recommend you read it, especially if you're an origins fan. super bleak, super political, not flashy at all in terms of magic. it was set 500 years pre origins, during the 3rd blight. isseya is very similar to characters like loghain and solas in a way - a richly complex, beautifully intricate, terribly thought provoking character who did HORRIFIC things for the most NOBLE reason you could imagine, under the most traumatic of circumstances. im tearing up just thinking about her story, and how the title "the LAST flight" foreshadowed that her story had a definitive, bittersweet, finite and peaceful ending.
and then this game did THAT to her. turned her into a grotesque caricature of what she was. stripping her of her nuance and her capacity for atonement or forgiveness. and once again, i do not fucking get it. she was obviously brought back because she is a parallel to the solas dilemma. so WHY is she not afforded the same opportunity for empathy that he is. why is bellara's brother not either. its insane. its literally insane. i cannot begin to imagine the oversight or laziness or WHATEVER IT WAS that occured to have this game turn out this way.
there are innumerable other problems with the game that im not going to get into because what ive said above is the main crux of my problem. introspective and character. those are all i really wanted from this game, and like..... i thought we would get that. because the game centered around solas. and i know people dislike his fans for very fair reasons, but i hope those who know me know that i enjoy him not because hes hot (he is though) but because he is terrible. i love him because they made a character who was TERRIBLE, and then gave you the task of using your head and refelcting on your own morality and values and deciding and arguing and meditating over whether he is worth loving anyway. to me, solas is the person i point to when i want to describe why i love dragon age. its complicated, its nuanced, it is terrible and wonderful and everything in between depending on the angle you look at it from. and so having the writer of a character like THAT in charge of the whole game filled me with hope and dissuaded so many of my fears for this game. but i was wrong apparently.
so now im left with a feeling akin to survivors guilt. genuinely. because at the VERY least, despite me saying all of these negative things, i at least finished the game crying happy tears and being overjoyed that my favourite character was handled well and got an ending i enjoyed. and yet that happiness *i* got to feel and that glimmer of good writing was paid for at the expense of literally everything else. i feel almost personally responsible in a way, which sucks. im sorry to all the people who did not enjoy or care about solas, im sorry that you really did get nothing out of this game. i hope we can all be comforted by the trilogy we have and will always have, and i hope we can all take what good parts we enjoyed out of veilguard and make peace with the rest
leaving this youtube comment my friend sent me which is unfortunately a summary of how i feel about the game as a whole.
#tay plays datv#datv#datv spoilers#datv critical#nobody needs to read this but fgdjkfgjk if you do#i hope it is clear that i write from a perspective of profound love for this series and all its characters.
26 notes
¡
View notes
Text
i love everyone whos taking an interest to the sharks no matter what forces compelled yall <3 but also can i interest you in some of our guys that are older than 19 because i think the sharks truly excels at being the funniest collection of . guys, i guess
head coachs emotional support 2nd liner
last year (with david quinn) we had luke kunin as a second line center (hes a depth winger in teams that have more than five forwards and a dream). this year (with ryan warsofsky) we have jan rutta in second dpair . problem: they arent. good . theuy are CLOTH MOTHER!!!
we already have barclay goodrow at home
this is a quote from a tweet comparing kunin and goodrow but i CANT FIND IT...
i dont think we shoulda got barclay goodrow ill be real gang. i dont know what mike was doing here. anyways luke kunin is also our barclay goodrow at home (a bit of a goon, a bit of a leg weight) & we have barclay goodrow & warso loves sticking them together. & naturally theres some center with these two guys. (its currently will smith hockey)
the two old guys so to speak hook up
quoting this call from drew remenda regularly (~0:42 seconds in)
o captain my captain logan couture who has not touched ice since last season (but he played 6 beautiful games in our flop 23-24 season) && marc edouard vlasic (cousin of alex vlasic if you saw everyone getting pavlovian dog reactions every time they mentioned smaller pickle) who we last saw on ice last season...! theyre both out on injuries from the wear and tear of hockey and i honestly doubt we will see them again but i am incredibly fond of them.
heres some important things to know about marc edouard vlasic (pickles)! ^_^
divorced
yeah thats all i got for you
genuine question i have had for a while: how many of yall have never seen these guys on ice LOL
HOTEL CALIFORNIA!!!
oh my god we have SO many retired sharks that just. came back to work for the sharks. just off the top of my head:
mike grier (gm)
ryane clowe (assistant gm)
known landlords joe thornton (who is here for. vibes??? DOES HE GET PAID???) and patrick marleau (player dev coach)
tommy wingels (player dev coach)
mike ricci (player dev coach)
evgeni nabokov (goaltending dev coach) (not to be confused with goaltending dev coach thomas speer, known goalie whisperer)
mark smith (casting)
scott hannan (casting)
alex stalock (casting)
jason demers (casting)
david quinn has connections in the furry community (national hockey league) that could end your career in minutes
ex head coach dq (hes an assistant coach for the pens!) was really good at collecting guys from his prior teams, he used to be a coach for team usa in the olympics and for boston university . he knew gmmg (general manager mike grier) from bu! he also i know a guy'd his way to the pens!
funniest to me is henry thrun . dq WAMTED this guy . back in the college days ! see the thing is henry thrun we call him mr harvard. the one that got away NO LONGER...
swear to god theres another guy who dq ? i think ? loved SO much from his time with the rangers that he just kinda. snatched them with him to the sharks. BUT MY MEMORY IS BAD. I SWEAR IT HAPPENED. <- spent god knows how long paging through the shrimer
the san jose-new jersey highway
we keep collecting notable guys from new jersey... they arent even necessarily super notable IN jersey. mackenzie blackwood and vitek vanecek dont LOOK super good. i think both of them had insane injury records too?? and then we put them behind the sharks defense LMAOOOO
this post is written AFTER vitek vaneceks career record 49 save game BTW
ty equillibrium
did you know we traded away one ty (ty emberson) and also traded for one ty (ty dellandrea) . this is completely unrelated to anything .
the swedish mafia power struggle
we currently have five swedes: fabian zetterlnd, william eklund, alexander wennberg, carl grundstrom, and timothy liljegren ^_^
last season, it was a capital t thing that willyek was self appointing as head of the mafia with getting swedish meatballs at the rink (see previous link) and fabian zetterlund getting him coffee for his exit interview
alex wennberg as his senior IS challenging willyeks seating
riveting stuff. shout out to san jose shark media!
#san jose sharks#this ramble has been a nightmare for me and my ability to recall where i saw specific articles & the like#crackin this one outta the drafts ^_^
36 notes
¡
View notes
Text
Evay QA Bulk Post 6
Here's another batch of questions.
Again, these do not include Domino or Phlox questions as I plan on addressing those in a separate post. Sorry for the delay on Phloxino questions, I just need to finish the final chapter of their story first.
Thank you all for reaching out âşď¸
PERSONAL/MISC ASKS
toonfan91 asked: What is your favorite retro video game system, what would you say is your favorite retro game to play?
A: My favorite consoles would be the Super Nintendo, Gamecube, and the Gameboy Advance SP. Those are all so nostalgic for me and were integral to my childhood. I had the Sega Genesis as well but I didn't end up playing it nearly as much as the other 3. Top three of my favorite retro games would be Sonic 3 & Knuckles, Ms Pacman and Super Mario World.
Anon asked: omg! i wondered if cheese was just something you were super about in your teen years im so glad that cheese is still the #1 fave đ§
A: Hahaha! Aww, you remembered that about me! Yes, I'm still a cheese fiend, forever and always!!!
Anon asked: Any writing tips and/or subversions on common tropes? - âđť
A: I've said this before but I recommend really focusing on your character building. I personally believe if you can get the audience to care about your characters, the rest will work out. As far as subverting tropes, I'd just say don't default to what's easy. I remember writing a script in high school and it involved a "it was all a dream" ending and my teacher actually rolled his eyes at me and said "Don't do this to your audience. It's an easy out for you and a disservice to them" and that moment has stuck with me forever. So though I don't have exact advice for you, I'd just say keep your audience in mind. You want them to be happy that they read your story, not rolling their eyes. (You're a member of your audience too, so make sure you're happy with your story as well!)
Anon asked: Will your kid be named aroura?
A: Ever since I was a little girl, I always wanted to name my future daughter Aurora. Who knows if I'll ever have a kid and even if I do, I am not sure what their name will be. Aurora is definitely still one of my favorite names and I'd love to name my child that, but it will depend on what best fits that human :)
Anon asked: have you seen the until dawn remaster?? i know you did a drawing of that long ago!! have you ever drawn the actual characters? and also, how would you match the sonic characters to the until dawn characters? đł?
A: I have seen the remaster but I haven't played it! It looks like such an improvement from what I've seen, and I honestly loved the original. I drew Ashley and Chris once, but for the life of me I can't find that file! It was so long ago, it probably wouldn't look any good now anyway haha. Hmm, it's a little hard matching Sonic characters to the Until Dawn characters without making them OOC. I guess if I had to pick, and with the caveat that this is a weird AU and characters are not 100% canon-accurate, I'd cast Amy as Sam (kind, gets along with everyone, doesn't like violence but can absolutely kick ass), Tails as Chris (because of his intelligence, his love for tech and his overall positive, good-natured spirit), Rouge as a mix of Jessica and Emily (covers the bases of intelligent, seductive, resourceful). I'm torn about casting Sonic as either Josh or Mike. Josh would of course be an unhinged version of Sonic which could be fun to explore but if you ignore the unhinged part, he still really suits Sonic as he is the core of the friend group and he is torn between fun-loving and masking his real emotions. Mike I feel like is a little more of the 'lead character' role that Sonic tends to fall into and his fear of commitment is pretty spot-on to our blue boy hahaha. Knuckles would be Matt because they're athletic and loyal. I'd probably choose Blaze for Ashley because of how polite and serious she can be, but I acknowledge it's not the best fit.
@bigklingy asked: Does your Lego Amy have a Sonic, like Duck Amy does?Â
A: I don't own an official Sonic minifig yet. All I have is this cursed knockoff hahaha. One day she'll have a real Sonic for her to love.
-
MISC SONIC ASKS
Anon asked: What elements could the Sonic cast bend based on their unique traits?
A: Sonic would be air because he is the wind. Tails would be lightning due to his affiliation with technology. Knuckles would be earth, obvious reasons (though fire works too, especially if you take into consideration the flames of disaster haha). Amy would be fire, due to her passion and also if you read her fortune cards guide, she says her favorite of the elements in her deck is 'fire.'
Anon asked: Quick question, have you ever read the Archie comics? If so, whatâs your opinion on scrouge?
A: I'm not a fan of either.
chrismantike asked: Iâve been seeing this debate a lot everywhere and I want your expert opinion on it. Since you do know about DBZ I was wondering if you think Sonic can actually beat Goku?
A: I'm always going to go with Sonic on this debate. He's defeated monsters, deities, A KILLER MOON?! He can defeat most enemies in his normal state but when he goes super, enemies don't stand a chance. Meanwhile how many times does Goku need to 'level up' his Super Saiyan form just to fight an enemy? (this is all in jest of course) Hedgehog wins.
Anon asked: do you like team chaotix? If so, whoâs your favorite character??
A: Team Chaotix is not my favorite group haha. If I had to choose a favorite amongst them, it'd be Espio. I think he's funny even when he's not trying to be.
whiteghos asked: Can you summarize (if you can) what happened in TEIU by Kbspeeding? I wanted to know what happened before lilâ rory and Shadow got all dirty and beat up and what happened during that chapter. I really wanted to read it so if you can thatâll be great!?
A: I sincerely wish I could, but "The Evil In Us" was so long ago that I don't remember the details well, and KB deleted her account and all of the pages of her fic with it, so I haven't been able to reference it in ages. I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help.
Anon asked: How would you imagine Amy in her teen years? -âđť
A: I already picture Amy as we know her as a teenage Amy. Especially her in Sonic Boom, I think that's a teenage/young adult Amy.
-
MY OCs/AU ASKS
Anon asked: I have this question on my mind for awhile now, how did you make or come up with and Amyâs and Auroraâs clothes designs? They are amazing âşď¸âşď¸
A: Well that's an incredibly kind thing for you to say! I honestly don't feel like I did that great of a job with Amy, I just put her in clothes I'd like to see her in haha. I wish I had put more thought into her outfit but I can always redesign in the future. With Aurora (and any of my OCs, really) I just experiment with things until I figure out what works. I try to first get into the mindset of the character and determine what fashion trend best suits their personality, and then I'll do research on that style and then try to come up with something based on that. Aurora's style is on the spectrum of "Eclectic" and "Fun" and "Funky" fashion trends, so her outfits are based on that. If you're curious, I have a whole Pinterest board dedicated to my AU and there are sections for the different characters' fashion!
Anon asked: Are you going to make more ship/fan children one day, or will you just stick with Tumble, Ruff, & Aurora??
A: Methinks you've forgotten the other 8 fankids I've made! But that's okay đ I love creating characters and I have no plans on stopping that any time soon. That could be OCs that aren't related to anyone, OCs that are the parents of characters we know, or fan children. I don't know what I'll be doing next, but there will definitely be more new characters in the future.
charlieangel345 asked: Hey, evay, What do you think Amy and Auroraâs favorite anime? I think Amyâs favorite anime is fruit basket and Aurora favorite anime is sailor moon.
A: I think you're absolutely right! :) I think Amy might also be a fan of Ranma 1/2 as well. I'm not all that current with anime so I can't make many more recommendations that suit them.
supersaiyaman85 asked: How do you think it would go down if CC ever met Cream or Zooey(Tail's crush from Sonic Boom)?
A: I have a script for a comic that involves CC and Cream interacting, I just have to get around to drawing it. As far as Tails' past crushes like Zooey, CC is very jealous so ... she wouldn't handle it well lol
twistedchaos101 asked: Does Aurora know her grandparents? How is the relationship with them?
A: At this time, Sonic does not know Phlox is his dad and Domino is deceased, so to their knowledge Aurora does not have grandparents on her dad's side. Aurora would know her Grandma Lulu and Grandpa Clay, but Amy is sort of estranged from them so they aren't a major part of her life. They're the kind of grandparents that send a ton of gifts on holidays and birthdays but only visit maybe once ever few years. She loves getting to see them though and they absolutely adore her!
abbysulf asked: Has there ever been a moment where Sonic went dark to save Aurora? Like, was she in so much danger that he would risk his mind and body to save her? And not from Shadow lol
A: In my AU's canon, there hasn't been any moments like that. I like to joke about Sonic turning dark any time he's even mildly upset, but I don't mean it seriously. And as Aurora was growing up, he kept Aurora so safe to the point it was almost smothering, so she wouldn't have ever been in any real danger. But if she were to ever have her life threatened, yes he would lose himself in order to protect her, without hesitation.
Anon asked: We all know Sonic and the gang for saving the world in their world and they have alot of fans but what about in your story? Are they famous and their fans are surprised when they heard that Sonic and Amy got together and had a child same with Rouge and Knuckles but they adopted instead?
A: Even in my AU, Team Sonic is famous. Not to the point where they're like celebrities and have paparazzi following them everywhere, but the average citizen knows who the members of Team Sonic are and some people do get kind of starstruck around them. As they all reach older adulthood, Sonic and Amy's lives get a little more calm and domestic so they are less in the spotlight compared to Tails who is the CEO of his own company and Knuckles who is running the Young Heroes program. Maybe the average person might be surprised that some of their heroes ended up getting married and having their own families, but again I don't picture Team Sonic's personal lives in tabloids regularly.
Anon asked: I actually wanna know how well Aurora takes shots (At the doctors)from a baby all the way up to a young adult
A: Aurora sure wouldn't like shots, but she's never necessarily been scared of getting them. If anything, I could see the DOCTOR being more afraid of giving her a shot. Imagine both Sonic and Amy giving the doctor the death glare with the unspoken threat of "You better get this done quick and if you cause any extra unnecessary pain, we will both end you." They've got a good routine down where Sonic distracts baby/toddler Aurora until the shot happens and then both he and Amy quickly smother her in hugs and kisses and praises so she is only upset for a brief moment.
*The next question is a Shadora Ask. Skip if you donât like Shadora
Anon asked: Why does Sonic spy on Shadow and Aurora when they go on a date or when Aurora visits Shadow's house?
A: Sonic is an overprotective dad and he doesn't like the idea of Aurora dating anybody (even though she's a grownup). It doesn't matter who she was dating, he doesn't think anybody is good enough for his baby girl. He spies to make sure they're not getting into trouble (it's just for the sake of comedy, don't take it too seriously).
*The next question is a Shadora Ask. Skip if you donât like Shadora
djanims asked: maybe weird question but has aurora ever seen shadow in his super form and if not what was her reaction?
A: She has! I've drawn them together in their super forms before :) She thinks he's an angel
*The next question is a Shadora Ask. Skip if you donât like Shadora
Anon asked: Has Shadow told Aurora about who Maria was in your continuity?
A: Absolutely. Maria played a very important role in his life, so of course he'd talk about her. The grief will always be there but with time and by becoming more comfortable opening up to Aurora, he finds it easier to reminisce on the good times he had with his sister.
*The next question is a Shadora Ask. Skip if you donât like Shadora
Anon asked: How did Sonic and Amy react to Aurora and Shadow having 8 children like I just imagine *first born* "Oh my goodness congratulations!" second born still happy. At the 8th their like "Wow... Rory that's um great... Lots of grandkids.." So yes that's how I imagine it going but how about you, this question has really taken over my mind. đ¤Łâ¤ď¸â¤ď¸
A: Hehehe, 8 grandchildren is definitely a lot. BUT! I headcanon that Mobians are a bit more like animals than humans are, so the idea of 'litters' isn't totally foreign (though maybe not as common in modern day Mobius). In my AU, Shadow and Aurora have three litters (so far, hehehe) so it went 3 kids, 2 kids, 3 kids, so they weren't exactly expecting to end up with 8 children, but they're happy all the same. I think Amy would be over the moon no matter what. Sonic would love all his grandkids and be excited about all of them, but also I'm sure he'd be secretly laughing it up at how chaotic the Shadora Home must be at all times and he's just glad that he and Amy had it super easy raising their only child. Plus I could see among friends and family there's an ongoing joke of "So... Aurora, Shadow.... How many next time?"
-
SHIPPING ASKS
kkrucy asked: What your opinion on other ships then sonamy?
A: There are plenty of ships that I like and there are plenty that are not for me. I don't like to announce the ships I don't like, there's no good in doing that. Some that I like include (but are not limited to) KnucklesXRouge, Shadamy, Sonadow, SonAmyShad, MetAmy, VectorXEspio, KnucklesXAriem, RougeXTopaz, WhisperXTangle, Dr.RobotnikXAgentStone (from the movies), SilverXBlaze, I even like BlazeXRouge if I'm being honest (You can blame TMOSTH for that!)
scaredforcewielder asked: I know it's a bit early, but would you consider doing Sonic and Amy's first Christmas as a couple?
A: I know I did it off-season, but I already made a several Sonamy comics for Christmas this year. I always want to draw more Sonamy and I would love to draw their first Christmas as a couple, but honestly I don't know that I'll have the time to do that this year. I hope those mistletoe comics helped to tide you over!
dean-alice-rose asked: What is your favorite sonmy moment? And it can be in your comics or official. Also what is your favorite comic that you made?
A: Gosh, it's really difficult to pick a single favorite Sonamy moment! If I had to narrow it down to just a few... One would definitely be episode 52 of Sonic X where Sonic returns to their planet and he and Amy have that heart to heart. I can't tell you how many times I've watched that scene, I found it to be the epitome of romance even as a kid! A small moment that actually meant a huge deal to me was in The Murder of Sonic the Hedgehog, where Sonic calls Amy "radiant." It's just one line, but wow, what a magnificent compliment! That's way more powerful than simply calling someone 'pretty' or 'great' in my opinion. I have too many favorites, I could go on forever haha! I don't really have a favorite comic that I made, they all mean a lot to me. "My Gal" is maybe what I'm most known for and that's great because it was so personal and I poured SO MUCH of my heart into it. But I have fond memories of every single comic I've made and each one has helped better my writing and drawing, so they're all special to me no matter how silly or serious they are.
Anon asked: In the future, would there be a chance to see CC and Tails again? I always adored CC and loved her design, plus her relationship with Tails. I was just curious as to if you had any future plans for them?
A: Definitely! I have plenty of ideas for them, I just need to dedicate the time to drawing it out. I'm so happy you enjoy that pair so much!
Anon asked: What are your thoughts on Metamy? (´â˝`ĘâĄĆŞ)
A: I ship it! It's not at the top of my list but I still think it's super cute and no matter what, I've always had the headcanon that Metal has feelings for Amy (he's meant to be like Sonic, after all, so if I believe Sonic likes Amy then surely Metal would, too!)
Anon asked: Do you ever compare video game couples to each other? - âđť?
A: Of course, it'd be impossible not to. Personally I relate Sonamy to NathanDrakeXElenaFisher (Uncharted) the most out of all video game couples. Both pairs have an undying love for adventure and enjoy traveling the world. Elena/Amy are definitely more cautious and careful than Nathan/Sonic who're a little more gung-ho, but in the end they make a great team and can keep up with one another.
whiteghos asked: What is Sonamyâs love language? >v< <3
A: I always say that Amy is the physical embodiment of love, and because of that I think ALL the love languages suit her! She expresses her love in every way possible and I'm sure she'd be happy to receive it in any way Sonic is willing to give it 𼰠It makes sense to me that Sonic's would be Quality Time and Acts of Service. Sonic always loves to do his own thing, so whenever he's willing to spend his time with Amy (whether it's grabbing dinner with her or even if it's just sitting in a pile of hay with her), I think that says a LOT. I don't think Acts of Service requires explanation.
*The next question is a Shadora Ask. Skip if you donât like Shadora
whiteghos asked: What is Shadoraâs love language? >v< <3
A: This is hard to narrow down and I feel like love languages fluctuate. For now, I'd say they both share the love language of Physical Touch. Individually, Aurora leans more towards Words of Affirmation and Shadow is Acts of Service.
*The next question is a Shadora Ask. Skip if you donât like Shadora
Anon asked: Are you gonna make a full comic on Shadow and Aurora first date like you did with Sonic and Amy?
A: I'm not 100% sure if it will become a comic. I definitely have a fic in mind, and maybe I'll do some supplemental drawings to go along with it. Sonic and Amy's first date was 'easier' because Sonic and Amy already have an established history. Shadow and Aurora have to get to know each other before they start dating, so it'd be easier to accomplish in a fic rather than a comic. If you haven't seen it already, I did write a summary of their first date.
â
Thank you all for the questions!
Evay QA Bulk Post 1
Evay QA Bulk Post 2
Evay QA Bulk Post 3
Evay QA Bulk Post 4
Evay QA Bulk Post 5
#evayQA#ask me#masterQA#masterpost#long post#bulk QA#MasterAsk#bulk#bulkQA#sonic trash#about me#headcanons#my au#my ocs#sonicparents#amyparents#sonamy#shadora#shadowxaurora?#faq#shadowxaurora#shadora horde#shadora babies#advice#personal
23 notes
¡
View notes
Note
the concept of this story is soo good. the toxicity, the drama, the red flags EVERYWHERE !! i have a deep love for fucked up relationships in which both parties struggle with their vices - both personality and otherwise - and they are deeply miserable but they cant think of leaving. hostage situation of sorts. n the deeper you delve into the more youre able to sympathize with the characters despite being put off by their actions. i Love complexity ! i Love nuance ! i love enabling nasty shit !!! ive played RYWD n im so invested in every character especially the MC bc youre writing is just so real and so creative with its exploration of all kinds of emotions and i love how i can almost sense the underlying motivationa if characters thru every type of interaction and the plot progression. you are incrediblt talented n i am so stoked to see you apply your talent and genius to a rockstar story setting. im very faithful in your ability to deliver a truly immersive nasty sleazey rockstar partner and an MC with an equally debauched emotional outlook !! super excited to delve into the whole cast of characters you have planned n soo excited to step into the world you'll build with your writing. truly i feel catered to with your writing i cant stress how much i appriciate what you do, i usually dont feel posessed to leave long asks but your mind is just âď¸đĽ!! lots of love
yes, you get it!!! the start of the ask is literally lifted straight out of my brain 𫶠I love flawed characters, I love exploring a darker world and characters that are changed by it!! and how they engage with other people just as fucked up as them for reasons that make it understandable how they ended up that way!!
also
the rest of the ask, I feel so emo about it!! thank you so much for the sweet sweet words, I won't forget them any time soon. I really try to write everything with an atmosphere that feels tangible and draws you into the characters and setting so you saying that means a lot to me <33
21 notes
¡
View notes
Text
May never come to reality but im planning out a Animatic to AJR's 'Maybe Man' (sue me) and need some help filling in some of the parts.
(Its probably going to be about all the life series in general not specifically Wild life. but feel free to try it fit it all in one series)
!!!long post incoming!!!
General plan so far:
First Half(ish) will be calmly looking at hermits in their peaceful habitats talking about their insecurities.
Finishing the first half when we get to the god part it will be Grian before life series started pleading to watchers and becoming one himself then cutting to him and all the other lifers standing around in a circle (like the start of each series) (much wow)
ONE. TWO. PANDEMONIUM.
murder, just all of the scenes of people dying biggest polt twist, betrayals, and Amount of kills.
Also specifically a close up of grain seeing the server burning in the reflection of his eyes.
ending with another shot of the beginning of a server but we see grains eyes which are weathered and worn out and maybe has some watcher purple
Specific Lines:
Wish I was a stone, so I couldn't feel You'd yell in my face, it'd be no big deal But I'd miss the way we make up and smile Don't want to be stone, I changed my mind
Im thinking scar and Grian Desert Duo? also could be
I wish I had eyes in the back of my head Then I could see the places I've been But then I would know that you're talkin' shit I don't wanna know what my friends think
This im Deff thinking cleo bigb scott and lizzie from the Boogeyman series (i forgor wich one that is)
but open to other ideas
Wish I were my dog out on the lawn I'd be so glad when I hear you come home But if I were my dog, I wouldn't live long I'm sure gonna miss her when she's gone
This is pearl playing with a dog, you cannot fucking make me change my mind
I wish I could act in a show on TV 'Cause then I could practice not bein' me I'll practice my cry, put it into my reel But you won't believe me when I cry for real
im either thinking like Ren or Martyn because of the acting thing or one of the scenes usually portrayed as lots of crying (ie Scott at the end of double life)
I wish that my brain would triple in size I'd nail every joke, I'd win every fight But I'd get too deep with that kind of mind I don't wanna know the point of life
ive been thinking of this as jimmy in general but also i dont want to be mean so other ideas would be great
In some other life I would be rich I'd travel in style, I'd cover the bill But couldn't complain 'bout anything small Nobody'd feel bad for me at all
havent given much thought for ones after this but im thinking Scar on Magic mountain trying to scam everyone?
If I was cocaine or a bottle of Jack I'd get invited to every frat But when you get old and your good days have passed You'll only want me when you're sad
have there been any people that bounce between alliances during one series?
Wish I was a song, your favorite one You'd follow the dance to me at your prom I would be there when your baby is born For two or three minutes, then I'm gone
there was at least one dande floor that was a trap, right??
I wish I was big, as big as my house I'd sleep on the trees, I'd skip every crowd But I wouldn't fit on my therapist's couch God, I could really use him now
probably ep1 of WildLife
I wish I was God, I'd never trip up And if I did, well, so fuckin' what? I could be cruel and break all your stuff Yeah, I'd be loved no matter what
pov grain angst
grain is on super windy mountain top surrounded by watchers crying, pleading to them
But if I was God, it'd get kinda weird 'Cause you would only say what I wanna hear And then you would die, you'd love me to death I never know who the hell I am
grian is surrounded by purple light wings and eyes becoming at least in part, a watcher
I wish I was me, whoever that is I could just be and not give a shit Hey, I'll be whatever makes you a fan 'Cause I don't know who the hell I am
cut to peaceful tranquil plains, all of them jn a circle at beginning of life series laughing joking shaking hands hugging (set em up for emotional damage)
One, two, pandemonium
black, black, PAN DE MONIUM
cut to destruction of server only using reds browns and blacks showing carnage this series has brought (and yes ofc player has died messages will appear in the corner as if in chat)
One, two, pandemonium
im thinking each line will be each of the series in chronological order
Here I go again
One, two, pandemonium
Here I go again
One, two, pandemonium
One, two-
Here I go again
cut to beginning of ?wild life? they all have scars when their final kills have been, some look tired some look determined
if you end up making this animatic if you want to put me in the credits as like 'inspired by' :3 but honestly idc that much. but you HAVE to tell me if you post one bc i will watch the hell out of that
#god i need more tags
#traffic smp#traffic series#last life#double life#third life#life series#ajr#animatic#help#ideas#outline#grian#mumbo#goodtimeswithscar#skizzleman#implusesv#geminitay#tangotek#joel smallishbeans#ldshadowlady#zombiecleo#bigb#bdoubleo100#martyn inthelittlewood#scott smajor#rendog#jimmy solidarity#solidaritygaming#pearlescentmoon#ethoslab
23 notes
¡
View notes
Note
In one of your last asks, you asked in the tags if it was hypocritical for you to point out how RBR are basically using VCARB as a rookie mill now that Daniel is not on the team, and just wanted to pop up to say youâre NOT hypocritical at all.
I really wish someone in f1 media would grow a backbone and bring Horner, Mekkies and Bayerâs OWN quotes to them from the start of the year. They all swore up and down that VCARB was no longer a junior team but a stand-alone, serious, sister-team. THAT was the justification and the utility of bringing Daniel into it. He was the experienced driver that was essentially leading the project.
And it shows that he was literally DOING the job they asked him to. VCARB went from dead last in the WCC to 6th in the standings. Iâll never get tired of saying it, but RBR could have played this all so differently by highlighting Daniel being in the team to help get them off the ground and lend some much needed developmental experience and consistency.
Instead, they let him be raked over the coals in the media while the car bounced back and forth so wildly in terms of their development. Both he and yukiâs performance was inconsistent because the car itself, along with the teamâs identity and direction, was inconsistent. Itâs not Danielâs fault that half-way through the season, Marko went off his meds and decided to fuck the rebrand and go back to it being a junior team.
After that, what was the point in having Daniel there? We know there was no long-term plan to have him there (because really they wanted him to that RBR seat) but when Checoâs sponsors said ânot so fastâ, it was Daniel that was up a creek without a paddle and no where to go. So, youâre absolutely right in saying that RBR have a little rookie mill and taking up two seats to trial their juniors drivers - AND THEN not even promote them - is weird and warrants calling out.
People are so quick to bitch and cry about how, âwe need more seats/teams on the gridâ well get rid of Racing Bulls and let Andretti take their place then đ¤ˇđźââď¸
đââď¸đââď¸đââď¸
Honestly, I don't think they had any super concrete plans, just a couple of glue sticks, an extra 30 million dollars, and a dream. Because of that they poorly messaged the entire operation from the get-go (paul and his pencil continue to get a 0/10 from me in the external communications department) and then they went and further mismanaged the situation because helmut and christian are too busy having the worlds longest slap fight to do anything constructive. Them not really having a plan or a cohesive message is also why it played into redbull's hand to let daniel constantly take the brunt of the media's pressure, so they let it happen. Originally it was daniel being there to be the experienced driver in this sister team project and then it quickly became daniel being there to prove himself to replace checo and everything kind of unraveled from there. They could've stepped in at any time but chose not to (christian contradicting helmut's rants two days later doesn't really count) and honestly, we should've known then that this was a disaster in the making.
Anyway, thanks for validating me but I am self aware enough to admit that it is a teeny tiny bit hypocritical to have been fine with the team when daniel was there and to now say I think their existence should be illegal lol. But to be clear, it is lame that they're allowed to have an extra team for helmut to play barbies with mostly because he's not even good at it.
Finally, you have unwittingly joined me in the sandcastles-in-my-mind that is the Andretti Global F1 team. I have dreams (they're delusional and never happening but oh do I have them).
#ask#As I always say: if you're going to be evil at least be good at it#I think that is what frustrates me more and more about this because the more we learn the less it is that rbr are this evil cutthroat team#and more that they're all just incompetent and that's so annoying
20 notes
¡
View notes
Text
Valk x Reader
alright got permission from the requester to just do general hcs, i woke up 4-5 hours before my alarm because weâre having a late start day due to the snow, donât feel as shitty mentally but iâm still not doing great, reasonably
- You werenât entirely sure how you ended up dating one of the Inphernoâs most famous idols, who is also a demi deity and technically a prince, but hey you arenât complaining
- Valk is an incredibly sweet partner and an overall very loving guy, he always lets you know just how much he loves and adores you, wether through actions or words, he can be super cheesy about it but itâs incredibly sincere and loving, so even if you roll your eyes at how sappy heâs being you love the way he treats you
- He is an incredibly touchy guy, he is constantly touching you, holding your hand, giving you hugs and kisses, cuddling, bumping horns with you, just any way for him to touch you really, since heâs very likely shorter then you heâs usually little spoon or he just lays on top of you, heâs surprisingly light honestly, unlike Dom he loves when you touch his wings, theyâre small and sensitive but itâs an intimate and trusting thing for him to let you touch them, so if while youâre cuddling you pet his wings he literally melts
- He sends you those cheesy videos of two cats doing something loving or even just sitting next to each other that have the caption âus<3â, he sends you so many of those itâs not even funny at this point, if one of the cats is an orange cat he always calls being that one, he is very orange cat coded
- He uses those embarrassing over the top pet names for you, you groan and light heartedly swat at him but he just laughs and keeps calling you them, if you retaliate you end up in a war of who can call each other the more embarrassing couples pet name, Dom just looks exhausted by it
- Speaking of Dom you obviously get to know him more, you can tell the differences of the brotherâs personalities a lot clearer, but you also see their real personalities not their stage ones, heâs totally chill with you since you make his brother happy but you did get some serious shovel talk when your partner first introduced you to his brother
- Valk unsurprisingly loves karaoke, itâs probably his favorite date night activity, he doesnât mind if you canât sing youâre doing the thing he loves, and besides half the fun of karaoke is sucking absolute balls at it, if anything heâs the one ruining the fun being a professional trained singer, but itâs nice to have a private room where you let loose, maybe have a drink, eat some like ice cream parfaits and sing out music like maniacs
- Other dates you two usually do are nice fancy dinners, or nights in gaming, he can and will kick your ass at whatever the equivalent of Mario Kart is, maybe also going to an arcade together, unfortunately most of your dates are in their home or yours because he gets recognized in public, he can to some extent to undercover and make himself less recognizable but it only works so well, you promise him you donât mind you knew what you were signing up for by dating him
- His love language is yes. He basically falls into all of them, he may slightly prefer some over the others but for the most part he shows and feels loved by all of them, so whatever yours is heâs absolutely fine with, he feels loved regardless and can love you regardless
- His work hours are so inconsistent itâs crazy, sometimes you have two weeks of him barely doing anything other days he and Don have to go into the studio at 5 am, but between it all he reminds you just how much he loves and treasures you, sending you long winded texts about how much he adores you, any and everything about you
- If youâre insecure about anything about yourself heâs saying the most loving and sweet things about it till you want to cry over how amazing heâs being towards you, you feel inferior sometimes seeing as youâre dating him who has so many fans and people whoâd kill to date him, but he just reminds you how much he loves you and that thereâs no one else in the entire Inphinity heâd rather be with
- Meeting his grandpa was stressful to say the least, not only is he the legal guardian of your lover, heâs a literal god, and your king, so that was not a good time you were incredibly anxious but it went well and eventually it became less scary to see Firebrand
- On the other hand it never became any less scary to see any of his siblings, you see them a lot less so never can really get used to them, the family dinners Firebrand hosts once or twice a year are like a game of mental chess, but Valk is by your side the whole time reassuring you and comforting you, his family isnât so scary when you get to know them, you disagree but you arenât saying that
- You call him Mic/Microphone, thatâs his name so why wouldnât you? Valk is just his stage name, you also call Dom by his real name Meg/Megaphone, only a handful of demons have the permission to call the brotherâs their real names so itâs nice
i self ship with both flipside brothers so this was a nice break to write, iâm fucking starving right now iâll probably make myself some breakfast here soon, anyways hope you enjoyed adios
#x reader#phighting x reader#phighting#phighting!#phighting valk x reader#valk x reader phighting#phighting valk#valk phighting#valk x reader
29 notes
¡
View notes
Text
the category is niche regressor hcs ( i have more .. feel free 2 ask abt them ŕťę°ŕžŕ˝˛áľ áľ áľ ęąŕžŕ˝˛ŕ§§ )
in order : allison mcroberts ( kevin can f**k himself ) , alexis rose ( schitt's creek ) , fallon carrington ( dynasty ) , keeley jones ( ted lasso ) , dani clayton ( thobm ) , cindy berman ( fear street 1978 ) , bess marvin ( nancy drew ) , emily dickinson ( dickinson ) , love quinn ( you ) , rhiannon lewis ( sweetpea ) , guinevere beck ( you ) , mabel mora ( omitb )
been thinking a Lot about kcfh && dynasty again recently which inspired this... i NEED to rw && finish both ( i was super duper hyperfixed before s2 of kcfh && final season of dynasty came out && life got so hectic i haven't had time 2 watch when i realized it was out :C ) ... pattison toxic yuri forevrr .. they plague me so bad i tried 2 edit them in 2021.. i wrote anon regressor!allison fics on ao3 back in da day ... && one baby!fallon one ermm ... && some regressor!keeley i sigh.. shall i post them here ? lmk tehee >__< i used 2 watch dynasty as it was airing && omg the season finale where fallon nearly you know whatted ... waiting 4 that next episode made me insane... also i was ahead of my time with kamanda i was a shipper since the beginning && prophesized they would get together tehe.. also i was TERRIBLY firby brained && i miss them all so baddd waaahhhh /. i never finished ted lasso bc family cancelled apple tv ( also why i never got to finish dickinson aka my biggest loss ) but err...
also sorry 4 the long yap but i am Not normal about fear street ( autism so bad i got sent to the psych ward ermmm :C ) .. && i headcanon Most of them as regressors so htgjes hehe , unfortunately an abuser has made my love for it more complex but if you would like to hear about my headcanons for it i am open to trying to publically indulge in it again :33 ( i'm cindy && sam !!! )
enough yapping 4 now.. eye have MANY thoughts sorry
#U^ェ^U#lot yips#fandom agere#sfw agere#sfw interaction only#age regression#agere headcanons#kevin can fuck himself#schitt's creek#dynasty#ted lasso#thobm#fear street#fear street 1978#nancy drew#dickinson#you#sweetpea#omitb
15 notes
¡
View notes
Text
because we get married super young like some kind of drunk and torrid marriage of a few months because we were so in love and thought we were gonna feel like this forever. we thought nothing could stop us and we sucked on each otherâs tongues for a photobooth picture to commemorate our engagement.
then the honeymoon phase is over, the rose colored glasses tint, i see his flaws and he sees mine and we donât have sex anymore. weâre too mad at each other, too resentful, thereâs too much piled up. weâre fighting all the time itâs exhausting, iâm kicking him out of our bed because im so mad i canât sleep next to him. we get a divorce to get away from each other but we never truly go no contact. he comes over to pick up the last of his stuff and we fuck about it for the last time. breaking that long standing dry spell and he breaks my pussy in.
everybody knows me as the crazy ex wife. everybodyâs heard the exaggerated stories of how i threw a hairdryer at his head (itâs completely hyperbolic, yes i threw that hairdryer but he wasnât even in the same room). people think iâm some toxic tyrannical nagging psycho who wouldâve keyed his car if it wasnât already such a shitty piece of junk. everybody rolls their eyes when jake talks about me yet again and about how if he was still with me he wouldâve hung himself just to get away from me. he talks about my erratic moodiness and how nothing was ever good enough for me but the sexâgod, the sex was amazing. best heâs ever had. best he could ever find. no oneâs like me. you just canât beat batshit crazy pussy.
the no contact of either six months to two years is broken, and we meet up against our better judgement. sparks fly. itâs like old times. easy conversation, stray looks, familiar touches. everything lingers, tensions rise, eye contact holds. suddenly iâm inviting him back to my place because why not? heâs an old friend. and then we fuck like old friends. we fuck on my couch, on my counter, on my glass windows, on my coffee table, on my kitchen island, on my bed, in my shower, in my bathroom. itâs like making up for lost time. itâs fucking disgusting. the place smells like sex. we barely take water n snack breaks and when we clean up we clean up each other in the shower and start it all over again. we canât keep our hands off each other. like weâre two horny teenagers with libido off the charts again and the honeymoon phase is back for an encore. we do this little thing for a while, obviously the sex disperses but we still date, we still hang out, we still act like a couple. he buys me a ring and says âbaby, i wanna do this right. letâs try again.â and i throw my arms around his neck.
âit wonât be like the first time.â we agree but by god itâs just like the first time. as if having a ring on my finger turns me into a bitch and being stuck in the same confines as that man drives me nuts. all those flaws i forgot about come back to bite me in the ass and he spends too much time at the bar to get away from me. i tell him to sleep there if he likes it so much, he says maybe there iâll finally meet a chick whoâs not fucking insane. then we get physical, then we get physical, on the floor like animals making half-assed promises to each other that iâll do better, iâll do better but we never really do. we fight about where to park, what to get to eat, about how jake doesnât carry a key, and how i have a shopping problem. we fight about whether to go to mutual friend parties and if we can afford to dine out. we fight about how heâs bullheaded and iâm defensive and then we kiss like we havenât seen each other in a while and i tell him i love how headstrong he is and he tells me he loves how smart i am.
then we separateânot quite divorce. but he moves out again. but he still calls me his wife. i still call him my husband. we miss each other. we call at night. we say âweâre no good for each other.â and we agree on that, but despite knowing that we still love each other. we agree itâs time to call it. we sign the official papers again. i still call him my husband, he still calls me his wife
need to get married to jake sully, get divorced, be known as his crazy ex wife, get married again bcos weâre crazy in love and canât stop fucking like bunnies, constantly fight, and get divorced again, thatâs how divorced i need to be
33 notes
¡
View notes
Note
Hello! I loved the ghost girls from the comic you drew... a while ago and finally decided that if I don't draw them now, I'll never have time to do it. So. Here they are
Also thank you for your continuous propaganda of tiger tiger!!! I finally sat down to read it yesterday (the tab has been open for weeks? months???) and this was the best way to procrastinate uni homework, I don't even feel guilty. You have great taste
GHOULS NIGHT!!! They look amazing!
#fanart#ghost girls#I'm giving them a tag now. They deserve it!#I will make propaganda for more mdzs ghost girls content if I must. They are probably one of the most underrated parts of the story.#They have so much potential to be (fandom adopted) characters.#We can do this. If we all pitch in one (1) headcannon they will be fully formed characters by the end of the week.#Thank you so much for the super cool fanart! Your style is great! And I am so touched you liked them enough to draw them!#Like waough...that ribcage...extremely good stuff right there.#And THANK YOU FOR CHECKING OUT TIGERS! It is a series that has been around for ages and is so deserving of all the hype.#Tis also a good way to procrastinate uni work (as long as you get to the work eventually - no harm in a break or two!)
141 notes
¡
View notes
Text
DP X DC X Subnautica
Where the Justice League (mostly focusing on the Superfam or Batfam or Flashfam) are large leviathan-esque creatures living on Planet 4546B. Maybe they can change forms due to Precursor experimentation, maybe not. Those with young hang out around the shallows more than the others, what with most of them being large super or specialized predators.
Enter Danny Fenton, interning on the Aurora when the ship is shot down by the Quarantine Enforcement Platform. Oh sure he probably would have tried to stop the destruction and help, but his ghost powers are a bit on the fritz and a well-meaning worker pushes him into one of the last life pods seeing as he's a child.
Now the leviathans may not know what a ship is exactly, but they can definitely understand that in most cases things technology = precursors. As far as they understand, a metal deathtrap not unlike the old labs or caches fell alongside several metallic eggs, with the emerging hatchlings misshapen and not living long.
But then there's the egg that landed in the shallows, which at first they thought was empty. But a hatchling- much smaller than the previous ones- emerges, a day later than the rest, but they're alive even if their swimming is all wobbly! It's so tiny, and obviously hatched too early with the strange split tail and how it keeps swimming to the surface for air, and they have to protect it! Now if only the little hatchling would answer their calls and not dart into hiding spots whenever they approach...
Honestly this is up to the writer lol, but I like to think that Danny's ghost form, when he finally manages to achieve it again, goes a little naga-esque. Almost like a sea snake instead of just a whispy ghost tail, which while better for swimming doesn't help his freak out over most ghost powers still not working.
Danny is just trying to survive man, maybe find other survivors, turn off this big alien gun, stop creating frost crystals when he sneezes, the usual. He doesn't need giant humanoid-esque leviathan-sized sea creatures poking around!
#DcxDP#Prompts#Subnautica#Prompts that came from a dream lol#featuring Danny's ghost form being like a naga lol#danny phantom au#Space core Danny#Khaara is like an ecto-disease like a super deadly ecto-achne that the precursors fucked around and found out with#Why are Danny's ghost powers on the fritz? Idk maybe it's his first ghost puberty or maybe it's something the Precursors did#Batfam#Supergam#Flashfam#Hell maybe all three families are there in the crater trying to pspspsps the new son/brother#Batfam are deep-water leviathans with reflective undersides & patterns who start brightly colored and get darker with age#Superfam deserve long flowing fins that mimic the red capes & also glowy bits#Flashfam are long and eel-like for speed with electrical abilities for fun#Wonderwoman is probably plated around the limbs & bits of gold-vein patterns (babies hatched in nests of clay perhaps)#Aquaman is even more fish-esque#Cyborg is a young-adult leviathan that was experimented on by the Precursors and is similar to the Warpers#Green Lanterns have transparent green fins that mimic their constructs & green bioluminescence#Danny: I am not a *baby*#Justice Leviathans: Oh my stars it's a *baby*#Billy: Just accept it there's no escape#No shipping between Danny plz to them he is literally a baby
557 notes
¡
View notes