#it is not too terrible if i fail because i am very strict in washing or wiping down as much of myself as possible daily anyway...

[blackwaxidol]

it was a clear day today but. sunset is nevertheless at 4pm.

[xfandomwritingsx]

Hold Your Breath – Chapter Three: A Strong Brew - Draco Malfoy

-gif source unknown-

Description: After decisions put you on opposite side of the war, returning to Hogwarts to finish your education proves to be challenging. Maybe closure isn’t the only thing you need from Draco.

Warnings/Labels: Tension. Lots of tension.

Approx. Word Count: 3,400

A/N: Okay… I reference “a foot” as a measurement of length here. I’m sorry. I’m American. I know it’s wrong. But a meter was too long and saying 30cm just sounds so specific. Please don’t skewer me.

Story Masterpost

October 1998

You sit in Headmistress McGonagall’s office the next day, wringing your hands in your lap and feeling small. You had no intentions of leaving your room today and had intended on staying in bed wallowing in your sadness. A summons from McGonagall put a pin in that plan however. You must admit, even though walking through the halls had been daunting, it did make you feel better to at least put on fresh clothes and wash your face.

McGonagall rounds her desk after shutting her office door and stands next to her chair instead of sitting in it. You take a breath, strangely nervous, and look up to her. Her face is fairly expressionless, but her eyes are soft.

“You have Hogwarts’ and my personal apologies for what happened at the ball,” she tells you sincerely. “The behavior that boy displayed was unacceptable and there are quite serious repercussions in process.” You give a small appreciative smile, but lower your head down again. Honestly, you didn’t want such a fuss to be made. It makes disappearing quite difficult. “We want you to know you have the full support of the Hogwarts staff and your efforts in the war are not forgotten nor minimalized.” Her voice is stern, but compassionate and while you feel as though you don’t deserve the praise, it does give you a little bit of validation which takes a little bit of weight off of you.

“Thank you.” Your voice is sheepish, but you at least look up to meet her eyes as you speak.

“Is there anything we can do for you?” she asks kindly. You take a moment to think, eyes darting side to side for a moment, feeling like you should have some kind of an answer.

“I don’t think so,” you say finally. Before she can speak, a knock on her door interrupts.

“Come in,” she beckons. You hear the door open, but don’t look back, not particularly interested in seeing who has entered. That is, until she greets, “Ah, Mister Malfoy. Please step in.”

The look on his face when you turn around is something between irritation and forced complacency. You notice a bandage on his right hand, but he shifts it closer to his side and tries to keep it out of view. You turn back in your seat and focus on your hands again.

“Madam Pomfrey assured me your hand will heal by the end of the day.” She nods her chin towards him as he approaches her desk to stand at the empty chair next to you. “Mister Dolohov’s face, however, will unfortunately have remaining bruising for some time due to a sudden shortage of arnica.”

Wait a moment. Did Draco hit Dolohov? You glance to Draco just in time to see him look away from you and avoid your questioning eyes. You take another look at his hand, the bandage around the knuckles. He did, didn’t he? But why?

“You understand we do not condone violence of any kind, even for altruistic reasons.” Her tone is stern, but there’s something in it that lacks the powerful scolding nature the words demand. In fact, she sounds even a little bored with the lecture. She hadn’t sounded particularly remorseful about Dolohov’s bruising either. “Therefore, you will be given two detentions each week for four consecutive weeks which will be served out in the library under my supervision.” Draco sighs heavily and barely contains an eye roll.

“Yes ma’am,” he says arbitrarily.

“Now,” she snaps at him, clearly not amused with his lack of respect. “As you understand I am a busy woman with a school to run and may not always be able to attend your detentions in person.” There’s a sly undertone despite her stony expression. “I expect that at these times, you will behave properly and serve your detention out on your own.” Both you and Draco catch up to her at the same time. Detention without supervision? Clearly just a formality. “Do you understand?”

“Yes ma’am,” he repeats in a much more respectful manner now that he realizes he’s not actually being scolded.

“Try not to punch anyone else if you can help it,” is her dismissal to him before she looks back to you. “Are you sure there’s nothing more we can do for you?” she asks in a much gentler tone. You simply shake your head, still trying to process the evening itself, let alone the apparent news of Draco punching the boy. “If anyone troubles you further, please don’t hesitate to let us know.”

Draco leaves first with you trailing behind. You feel as though you should thank him or at least say something to acknowledge what he did. It was an act of chivalry, even if it was a violent one. It was a protective gesture. Could he possibly still care about you? Or did he just feel personal offense since he also bears your same mark?

“Draco,” you call to him before he’s able to hurry himself away.

“What?” he snaps bitterly as he spins on his toes back to you, face full of irritation and impatience. The gratitude sputters and dies on your tongue and you feel yourself draw back with pause.

“Nothing,” you sigh. “Nevermind.” There’s a small shake of his head and an angry eye roll before he twists back around and whisks himself away.

~~~

November 1998

The chatter and fascination with what happened at the ball calms down a lot faster than you expected. Dolohov was put on a strict probation and not allowed to use magic unless supervised by a professor. The opinion of his punishment was split amongst the students. Many thought it was too harsh for such a small prank. You were surprised to hear how many people had agreed it was fitting, however. Granted, they weren’t necessarily concerned about you as a person, but agreed that bullying in general was intolerable and severe punishment was warranted.

Jane, the girl from the dance who has become increasingly friendly towards you, walks you to potions this morning. She doesn’t loop her arm with yours like Ginny normally does, but she stands close enough and talks directly to you, making it very obvious that she is with you. You appreciate it. The halls are much easier to walk with a friend.

She leaves you with a wave and a smile and a little bit of hope that today will be a good day. That hope is broken when Slughorn announces the assignment for today; a partner project. You know what’s coming next because whatever God existed out there clearly has it in for you. There’s exactly zero surprise in you when he pairs you with Draco, only dread and defeat.

Everyone stands from their seats to shift around and sit next to their partners. It’s obvious Draco has no intention of moving from his original seat, so you gather your things and approach him. The bastard doesn’t even look at you. You give a huff and noisily sit down to his left, scraping your chair deliberately along the floor as you scoot in. He still doesn’t look over to you.

Two potions, one grade. That is the assignment. You can either work together to ensure a good grade or you can work alone, one on each potion, and just hope the other doesn’t mess theirs up. Judging by the way Draco slides the recipe for the Calming Draught across the table to you, you assume you’re going with the second option.

The rest of the classroom is filled with reasonable chatter as the other pairs discuss their assigned potions and how to handle them. It makes the silence coming from Draco all the more noticeable, but you push through it.

It’s about halfway through the lesson when your potion turns a dull grey and has a sickly smell permeating from it. You’ve clearly done something wrong. You rifle through your notes, the recipe, your potions book, trying desperately to figure out what went wrong.

“Merlin’s beard! Stop stirring it!” Draco hisses besides you. You look to your cauldron dumbly, not even having realized you’d forgotten to end the enchantment on your wooden spoon so it continues to spin round and round. You grab the spoon and snatch it out of the cauldron, embarrassed by the mistake. “You always were rubbish with potions,” he comments snidely.

“Rubbish at potions, dreadful at charms,” you say mostly to yourself, staring at the ruined potion with disdain. “Is there anything I’m not terrible at?” He gives an annoyed sigh at your side and then quickly stands to leave. You glance at his potion while he’s gone and of course, it has that indicative silver vapor floating up from his perfectly brewed Draught of Peace.

Your shoulders slouch and you put your face in your hands. Perhaps you could find some satisfaction from taking Draco’s grade down with you. Serves him right for being a prat.

There’s a clatter on the table in front of you and when you remove your hands from your face, you see ingredients splayed out on the table. You look at Draco quizzically as he starts to open the bottle containing lavender.

“I don’t fancy a failing grade today,” he tells you sharply. “Make yourself useful and measure out the peppermint.” He pushes another bottle to you before coming back around the table to sit in his chair. You expect him to pull the cauldron towards him in order to take over, but instead he moves his chair closer to you in order to reach it. You try not to look at him or pay attention to how close he is as he uses his wand to clear the contents. “Let’s not use a stirring enchantment like a first year this time.”

“Are you going to mock me the whole time?” you snap at him as you do your part and carefully put the peppermint sprigs on the scale.

“Only when you deserve it.” His reply makes your skin prickle and an anger bubble in you, but it fades rather quickly when he briefly looks at you from the side of his eye and his lips just barely turn upwards from his scowl. It’s a phrase you’ve said to him many times over the years, sometimes seriously and sometimes friendly or flirtatiously. And he’s repeating it back to you, making a callback to your friendship. You have no words for him.

You’d imagined saying that sentence in a completely different manner before. You’d had fantasies of him beneath you, begging for release and you kissing along his skin teasingly. Only when you deserve it. You never had a chance to attempt making that fantasy anything more than that, having only been with him the one time, but that didn’t stop your mind from conjuring the image up periodically. It has been quite some time since it resurfaced, but now that it’s there again, it’s hard to shake.

When you don’t offer him a reply, Draco returns to the potion, taking the peppermint from you and crushing it with the mortar. You feel as though you should have said something, should have acknowledged that his reference was not unwanted, but you can’t bring yourself to find anything appropriate to say.

“Measure these again,” he instructs, handing the mortar with the peppermint back to you. “After they’re crushed, you typically lose a little bit of weight. Usually not enough to make a difference, but every bit counts when the potion brewer is incompetent.” It’s said much more sharply than his last jab and you straighten your back, trying not to let it hurt you.

“Seeing as how you’re the one doing all the work so far, I am assuming you’re referring to your own incompetence,” you quip back at him. He leans back in his chair comfortably and fans his hand over the table.

“If you want to do it yourself, by all means, give it a try.” Bristling at his challenge, you huff and face the table fully with determination. You will not let him be so satisfied.

You dump the peppermint into the cauldron and pick up the jar of pre-mixed base liquids. You struggle momentarily with the lid, but manage to get it off without making a fool of yourself or spilling the contents everywhere. Chin held high, you begin to pour the jar on top of the peppermint. Draco’s hand is suddenly covering yours, holding onto you and titling the jar back up. The contact startles you, your body giving a small jolt as he puts a hand on the back of your chair and leans in near you.

“Slower,” he commands, his voice almost a whisper this close to you. “It’s a Calming Draught. If you rush it, it doesn’t work.” He guides your hand, directing the liquid to flow languidly from the jar. “Better.” You can feel his breath just barely reach your neck. His arm is outstretched, nearly outlining your own and his chest bumps into your shoulder. He’s practically cradling you into him and you’re not entirely sure how you feel about it.

The warmth of his body is familiar. Your body remembers what it feels like to have his arms wrap around you, to hold you tight and give you comfort or pleasure. Your arm tingles at the memory of his fingertips gliding down your skin, intertwining his fingers with yours. You remember it, feel it, all too easily.

But there’s still that anger, the resentment that fights the warm, good feelings. It puts a block up and prevents the threat of euphoria rushing in. It’s the thing stopping you from turning your head to look at him which you’re fairly certain ran a high risk of ending up with his lips on yours. Instead, you focus on your breathing, on calming your racing heart.

When the jar is empty, Draco releases your hand and the jar, pulling away and leaving the space beside you with an empty chill. He crosses steps off of the recipe with a quill before tipping the feather towards the cauldron.

“Stir it five times. That’s all,” he instructs, seemingly oblivious to what his presence had done to you.

“Slowly?” you confirm, somewhat surprised your voice didn’t quake. He hums and nods approvingly, but keeps his focus on the recipe.

He continues to direct you on what ingredients to add when and how many times to stir the concoction. He’s firm in his instructions, but the jabs have ceased at least. He’s also keeping his distance and remaining in his chair, away from your personal space. And that… makes you anxious somehow.

You find yourself wondering if he’ll come back and when. Any movement he makes, you feel yourself tense up with anticipation, but he doesn’t come any closer than he already is. What’s more is that you recognize the tension is not unpleasant. You aren’t dreading his warmth. You’re craving it.

You glance down. There’s absolutely no more than a foot of space between your chairs. Almost unconsciously, you uncross your legs and shift your right one to shorten the empty space. It’s not enough to touch him and you take a moment to contemplate if you even want to. If he’s allowed to touch you, to get into your space, shouldn’t you be allowed the same?

You twist your hips towards him, planting your foot firmly in the space between the chairs’ front legs. You put your weight on it and lift up from your chair, reaching across the table in front of him to pick up a piece of parchment with notes on it that you don’t particularly need nor want. Your knee bumps into his and your sudden arrival into his personal bubble seems to shock him ever so slightly as he looks up in confusion. You sit back down quickly, but place yourself on the right most part of the chair which allows you to keep your knee pressed to his.

You give him a shy smile as a show of thanks for letting you steal his notes and pretend to read them. Your eyes gloss over the words, but you can’t comprehend a single one with Draco making no move to shift away from your touch. He doesn’t push back either though. He focuses back on the recipe and lets you just stay there.

That is until his hand is on your knee. It pushes you away and doesn’t linger and for a moment, dread drops down into your stomach like a stone, heavy with rejection. His push is gentle though and it has a purpose when he stands up next to you in the space your leg had occupied and leans over the cauldron to peer inside. He’s close again now, this time his hip is the part of him almost pressing into your shoulder as he hinges his waist and puts his hands flat on the table.

“Come here,” he tells you. You follow his lead, hands on table and leaning over the cauldron. “What do you smell?” You take a moment to refocus on the potion and inhale deeply.

“Lavender,” you tell him. “It’s faint though.”

“Exactly.” His palm shifts on the table and the side of his hand molds to yours. “That means it needs more. You shouldn’t have to think about it. It should be potent.” He leans away from you to grab the bowl with the extra lavender. In doing so, she shifts his hand again, the heel of his palm drifting away from you, but his little finger making up for lost contact by slipping casually over your own.

“I thought we used what the recipe called for?” It’s hard to focus on the potion, but you do your best even with air trapped in your chest and the urge to slip your entire hand under his.

“The heat was a little too high,” he explains. “It reduced too quickly. We can fix that by adding a pinch or two more.” He lifts the bowl up towards you, encouraging you to do the honors. His expression is even and unbothered by the two of you touching. He waits patiently, watching you carefully until you make the decision to use your left hand to pinch the lavender with and deliberately leave your right one with him.

His expression remains unchanged as his little finger reaches and strokes the knuckle of your ring finger a single time before resting back down over your pinky. Why was such a small touch so invigorating? How did he keep such a straight face? He must know you’re not unaffected by this.

“More?” you ask quietly after dropping a single pinch into the cauldron. He takes a moment, contemplating and curling his little finger to wrap under yours.

“Can you handle more?” The flirtatious tease comes to his voice just as quick as it comes to his eyes. It’s a challenge, but it’s at least recognition that you hadn’t been imagining everything he’s been doing. You keep your eyes on him as you add another pinch to the potion. “Good,” he praises. “Now stir.”

He pulls away slowly, letting his touch and his warmth drag along you as he sits back in his seat. You let out a breath you’ve apparently been holding and give the potion a delicate, calculated stir. Draco settles back in his chair and crosses his left ankle over his knee, causing his left knee to protrude into the space between your chairs. You have no doubts that the motion is made with intent.

You oblige his silent invitation. Sitting back down yourself, you lean over the table to take notes and shift your right knee out towards him again. It slips beneath his and he pushes down just enough to encourage you to stay there. You don’t dare to look at him, but you can’t keep the smallest smile off your lips as you wait for Slughorn to come by and grade you.

It’s only when he comes by do you break apart and you become acutely aware that you’ve been in a classroom full of people this entire time. Had anyone noticed anything? Surely, they hadn’t. The interactions had been so miniscule and everyone was focused on their own potions, yes?

Slughorn presents you a solid E grade which pleases you greatly. Draco, ever the perfectionist with his grades, had been holding out hope for an O, but it didn’t come to pass. This causes you to be unsure if you owed him a thanks or an apology and end up giving him neither as you clean up.

“Astronomy,” Draco says as he’s putting books into his bag. You look at him, utterly confused.

“Excuse me?” He doesn’t look at you.

“You asked what you’re not terrible at,” he explains as though it was obvious. “You’re quite brilliant in astronomy.”

“Oh.” A compliment. A real, no backhand compliment. “Thank you.” He gives a small nod in response before slipping the strap of his bag over his shoulder, ready to leave.

“Practice your potions more,” he advises and then turns to leave without another word.

You watch him go, still a little confused and excited by the whole lesson. What in the world did any of it mean? What did you want it to mean?

Best not to think about it too much.

---

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[thebestandworstdayofjune]

White Lies on White Shirts

Pairing: Steve Rogers/Captain America x Reader Word Count: 2,691 A/N: Long time no see. this is being posted at the request of the birthday girl herself, @secretschuylersister. 

You tried to convince yourself that you didn’t mind because the sound of the washing machine at three in the morning was calming. You tried to convince yourself that you weren’t staying up late on the off chance that your neighbor would knock on your door, needing a favor because your lazy super still hasn’t fixed his washing machine. Somewhere, in the very back of your brain, you knew that Steve could fix it himself. You’ve seen him working on his motorcycle enough in the parking lot to know that he must be handy enough to fix a small leak. At the very least, he has enough friends that could pitch in.

Steve was knocking at your door twice a week, minimum. You had never before seen a man go through clothing so quickly, but you weren’t complaining. In all honesty, it should not have been as much of an event as it was. Steve knew that there were other things he could and should be doing with his time, but nothing seemed as important to him in that moment than curling up on your overstuffed couch and pretending to watch a movie with you.

Even though you knew that there was a communal laundry room in the basement, you had given Steve a spare key and instructions to come over whenever he needed to. Rather than admit that you trusted him more than you should for the amount of time you had actually known him, you reasoned that he was a busy man and didn’t need to wait for you all day. Instead of taking it at face value, Steve pocketed the key, and informed you he would only use it “in case of an emergency”. Instead of letting himself in, Steve listened impatiently for the sound of your keys jingling in the hallway before gathering up his basket of, admittedly, mostly clean laundry and knocking on your door with a sheepish grin that made your face instantly feel warm.

At first you were just in awe. Not only did you have a certified superhero living next door, but he had more laundry than you ever imagined that one mostly human man could produce. Along with what you would expect, without fail Steve had a pile of white undershirts buried under the rest of his laundry. You tried to chalk it up to a habit that stuck around after his time in the ice, but you still had a hard time wrapping your head around it.

Besides the suspicious contents of his laundry basket, you and Steve fell into a comfortable pattern. It had escalated from sitting on opposite ends of the couch, Steve sketching and you scrolling on your phone, to being cuddled up in the middle of it, laughing at something dumb you had found on TV and not even hearing the washing machine signaling the end of the cycle. Well, you didn’t. Steve was ignoring it because you had just laid your head on his shoulder and he wasn’t ready to give that up yet.

Eventually, he was bringing food with him to make you both dinner, or a new movie that he had seen while he was out at the store that he thought you would want to watch while his clothes dried. You didn’t even notice when he started showing up without his laundry basket. You were just too happy to see him. One afternoon you threw open the door after hearing Steve’s familiar knock, but you were floored by the man standing in front of you. Even though he was in his uniform, Steve did not seem to be the confident man that you were so used to seeing on the news, and more recently, on your couch.

“I have to go.” No ‘hello’, no ‘how was your day’. Just the brush of his hand against your cheek as he tucked a stray hair behind your ear and a sense of urgency in his words. “But I’ll see you soon.” he planted a soft kiss on your cheek before his phone rang, and he dashed down the stairwell muttering that whoever was on the other end had terrible timing and he would be at the airstrip soon.

It took some getting used to when Steve didn’t show up at your door within thirty seconds of you getting home from work. You tried to make dinner, but you were relatively unsuccessful because every few seconds you were looking over your shoulder. It wasn’t until you looked down to see that you had burned two servings of food instead of one that you realized you were waiting for him. Your apartment was achingly quiet without Steve, and it wasn’t just because the washing machine wasn’t running for what felt like the first time in millennia. Steve wasn’t there to complain about how hard headed the new recruits were or make you laugh by telling you for the tenth time about when Bucky tripped over his own feet because he saw the girl from the coffeeshop he definitelydidn’t have a crush on. It had been weeks, and there was no sign of him.

You knew you were being irrational. You knew that Steve had a life outside of you and your apartment. Hell, he had barely talked to you before he needed something. It was presumptuous to even assume that you were anything more than a clingy neighbor who got too attached. You moped around the apartment for days. And you hated to admit it, but you missed him. You missed his dumb jokes and his dumb face and his dumb pile of white shirts that you still thought no mere mortal could accumulate in such a short time. You knew that you had to get over it, move on as Steve so clearly had.

Your friends were shocked when you accepted their invitation to go out. After months of claiming to have plans, knowing that Steve would probably have a ridiculous amount of laundry to do despite being over yesterday, they were glad to have you back, even if they could tell something was off. You tried to make the best of it, to dance and laugh like nothing was wrong. After a few hours of putting on a brave face, your friends shooed you into a cab, giving you strict instructions to call when you got home.  

When you got home, you felt a foolish flicker of hope at seeing light shining from the space underneath your door. Maybe Steve was back, and he had finally used his key. You unlocked the door and tried to contain your excitement as you glanced around the apartment. You were met with a heartbreakingly empty couch and the rationalization that you had just forgotten to turn off the lamp before heading out.

You tried to not notice that the couch felt bigger with every passing day. You went to work, you went out with friends, tried to get your life back to normal. But it felt dull without him and you couldn’t stop yourself for keeping an ear out for the deceivingly light footfalls. After a few weeks, they appeared. You didn’t think twice about launching yourself off of the couch where you had been moping and sticking your head out into the hallway.

Unfortunately, Steve was nowhere to be found. There was, however, a teenager unlocking his door. He jumped as your door flew open, giving you a tight-lipped smile as he sat his laundry basket down on the floor of the hallway. “Oh, hi there.” he seemed friendly enough, but you weren’t able to give him more than a halfhearted grimace by way of greeting. “Mr. Rogers left me his key. Our machine is broken”.

That brought you back to reality. “His machine has been broken for months.” you said, trying your best to force some normal inflection into your tone.

“Oh. He must have gotten it taken care of” he said, pushing the door open. “I was just here yesterday. My aunt and I just moved in down the street. I’m Peter by the way.” He held out his hand, shaking yours tightly for entirely too long. “Mr. Rogers said I could take care of a few loads of laundry when I came by to get his mail”.

“My mistake, Peter. Let me know if you need anything.” you said quietly before giving him the most unconvincing grimace in the history of the entire universe and slipping into your apartment.

The gears in your head were spinning at five hundred miles an hour, but not one coherent thought was forming. Steve had lied to you, and you had absolutely no idea why. It was then and there you decided you were done. He may be off saving the world, but he had time for one text. He could have left a note or told you that he couldn’t reach you for a bit. Instead, he left you to worry, wondering where he was. And even after all that, you didn’t really believe you had a right to be angry at all. You were friends, nothing more.

The days turned into weeks, and Steve went from your goofy neighbor to America’s most wanted. By day you ignored your friends’ prying questions about the man who had waltzed into your life as suddenly as he had left.  By night you fought to keep yourself from watching the news. It hurt too much to stay up to date, and you felt much more secure staying in the dark, especially when Earth’s Mightiest Heroes were involved.

And then, there was a knock at your door. A knock that you knew.

Out of habit, you were standing in front of the door in a matter of seconds. But once you realized what you were doing, you snatched your hand away from the handle. You didn’t need this. He was a liar and he didn’t even bother to leave you with an explanation. You slowly backed away from the door, plopping yourself down on the couch and putting your head in your hands. It was all too much.

You took a few deep breaths, trying your best to swallow the sob that was clawing its way up your throat. You were so caught up in trying to keep yourself together that you hadn’t heard the door opening. Steve could have robbed you blind and you wouldn’t have noticed if he hadn’t placed a hand on your shoulder. You leapt off of the couch as if it was burning you, whirling around to see his wide eyes.

“Steve, how did you even get in here?” you asked, glancing over his shoulder to make sure he hadn’t managed to kick the door in without you noticing.

He held up the key, a smirk playing at his lips. “You were mad at me. It felt like an emergency.”

“I am mad at you. Current tense.” Any trace of a smile disappeared immediately, an eyebrow quirking up in confusion as Steve tilted his head like a puppy who just got scolded for tearing up the carpet. “You lied to me.”

He opened his mouth, searching for an explanation, a way to defend himself. Not for the first time in his life, he was at a loss. You were angry with him, and you had every right to be. But you were wearing that sweater. It was absolutely ancient but your favorite, nonetheless. Your hair was a mess and even though it felt like there had been a hole in his heart for weeks, he was hit once again with just how much he missed you.

“I know.” he sighed, the pain evident in his voice. “I know I said see you later and then I couldn’t make it back. But I tried calling so many times, sweetheart but we were-”

“That’s not what I’m talking about.” the words were so soft you weren’t sure someone without super soldier hearing would have picked up on them.

His eyebrows were nearly in his hairline as he tried to move around the couch to reach you. You took a step back and he froze, leaving the couch between you. “I don’t understand”.

“Why did you say your washing machine was broken?” you shocked yourself that you had even managed to get the words out. Weeks of wondering and waiting and hurting and here you were.

“I don’t know how to talk to women” he blurted. Your jaw dropped and you felt a laugh bubbling up from your stomach. “I just, well, you’re so pretty and I couldn’t think of a reason that you would give me the time of day. And it wasbroken, the first time, anyways.” he was rambling, his hands flying and if his face got any redder you were going to get worried. “But you were so nice and even more amazing than I ever could have imagined, and you made me feel at home. And I know that it was selfish, but I couldn’t bring myself to give that up.” He paused, letting out a shaky breath.  “To give you up, is more like it.”

You could feel the tears collecting in the corner of your eyes. That was not what you were expecting from him. How could you have imagined that he didn’t care about you?

You knelt on the couch, reaching over the back and winding your arms around his neck before pulling him against you tightly. Steve let out another breath he didn’t know he had been holding, quickly wrapping his arms around your middle.

“You might have been out saving the world, but you are such a fucking idiot, Steve.” you felt him chuckle, before he reached down, guiding your legs to wrap around his waist, and moved the both of you to sit on the couch. You tried to scoot off of him, but his grip only tightened. You knew that he would have let you go if you tried a second time, but you felt at home in your own apartment for the first time in longer than you would admit.

Your hands found the hair at the nape of his neck, and you twirled a piece around your finger as the two of you sat in comfortable silence. You had never seen his hair so long, or with so much scruff. He didn’t look like the Captain America image you had been avoiding on the news. He just looked like Steve. Your Steve. “Aren’t you some kind of war criminal now?” you asked, not bothering to pull away from him and meet his eyes.

You felt him shake underneath you, a silent laugh breaking the tension. “Tony and I worked it out.”

“Good. I couldn’t visit you in prison. Orange really isn’t your color. Not to mention that they simply wouldn’t put up with all of your outfit changes.” You were shocked that you made it through the last bit before letting out a laugh so hard that you were shaking against Steve’s chest. Only then did he pull away to look at you, his eyes twinkling with amusement. “How many times a day were you changing to get that many undershirts dirty?”

The tips of his ears were turning pink and his eyebrows were quirked up once more. “I’m going to level with you, sweetheart.”

Your hands found the hair at the back of his neck, twirling the hair there while you watched the gears turn in his head. “Yeah?” Your voice was more of a whisper than anything, not wanting to interrupt but feeling the need to nudge him to continue.

“Ninety percent of the stuff in that basket was clean. I never even took it out after I left.”

“Are you telling me that you went home, unfolded every white shirt in that basket and then brought it back the next day?” Your voice was full of disbelief and your eyes were as wide as saucers as he nodded his head so minutely that it was nearly imperceptible. “Steven Grant Rogers you are an absolute menace.”

“Yeah, but I’m your menace now.”

[prorevenge]

Destroy my childhood, ruin my chance at college, and laugh when I said I was homeless? Lol cool, I'll ruin your life.

Long story. TL;DR at the end.

BACKSTORY: My mother was a really shitty person. I have 4 other siblings. One older sister, 3 way younger, 3 different dads. Before I was born (im a male btw), my oldest sister was taken away from my mother when she was a few months old because she tried to stab/slice the father of my sister WHILE HE WAS HOLDING HER. She lost custody and the dude left her. Older sister goes to live with her fathers family in a different city. CUE LIL OL ME COMING INTO THIS SEXY WORLD. My dad went to jail 2-3 years after I was born for a while, I rarely saw him. He's an alcoholic if that matters. She was a single mother but she made it work and she worked hard. One of the bigger problems was that she took out all her agression and hatred of my father on me as well as work stress and etc. She dealt with sexual abuse growing up which I'm sure definitely affected her relationships and how she treated me as well. Anyways...

Cue me being abused from the age of 4-5 to about 17. Every day was hell. She was extremely strict and her perspective was warped. She was also pretty big in stature and had alot of strength. Examples of her being shitty: I've gotten beaten up badly once because HER room was dirty. The dishes weren't washed and I got beaten soon as I got home, even if there werent dishes when I left to school. If i walked too loud, id get my ass beat. She broke my nose for looking at her the wrong way on my 10th birthday when she brought me a cake I was allergic too(It had peanuts, she knows im slightly allergic but feigned ignorance..) It was more or less every day or every other day. She used her fists/elbows/extension cords/hangers/chairs/canes/bats/etc. Whatever she could find I was getting beaten with. I couldn't ever escape to my room for long because she would always call me every few minutes to get her things or to yell at me. She never drank or did drugs or anything. Whenever she was upset and I happened to be in front of her she'd kick me down the stairs to make me hurry up. She's put a knife to my neck before and had to be forcibly stopped by her bf of the time. Burned my christmas presents from other people (she didnt get me anything that year) and just other really shitty things. The only thing I will say, she tried really hard to make up for it with video games and electronics and etc. It didn't make a difference to me though, it never helped.

She controlled most aspects of my life. I got by with little petty revenges. Peeing in the lipton iced tea she drank. Rubbing her forks and spoons between ny buttcheeks before i served her dinner. Ignoring her screams for help when she had kidney stones (how tf am i supposed to help anyways??) But by the time i got to highschool I turned to alcohol. I resented her and the negative atmosphere affected who I was as a person. I started to be cold and uncaring. Calculated. She started kicking me out every few months telling me to find somewhere else to live by age 15. She sent me away to a different country for a year and tried to keep my passport but I made it back to the US with the help of the embassy and my step father (she'd already left by that time and found some other dude). I came back senior year with no credits for the prior grade which ended with me getting a GED. I spent most of the time i could with my best friend and started working shitty jobs. I was terrible at saving as i had accumulated loads of shitty habits while growing up so it didnt make much difference. She eventually told me that If i went to college, I would ALWAYS have a place to live until I finished. Cue my first 2 semesters at a 2 year college, I maintained a 3.7ish gpa. My teachers loved me and it was my escape. Towards the end of my 2nd semester during finals, i came home late one night around 10pm and my mother yanks the door open screaming in my face asking when I'll move out. I'm slightly drunk and decide to completely ignore her and walk to my room. If I opened my mouth, that day would be the day I blew up and cursed her out. I've rarely ever raised my voice at her because it never ended well. Now at this point im 19 and I've been doing school full time with no savings. Im also fairly fit and could easily take my mom at this point (Never laid a hand on her or any woman, i hate violence). I get to my room, she rips my door open, and starts yelling. I say nothing and stare at her. She walks away and called the police on me saying she thought id murder her and my younger siblings. I don't know where the fuck she got that idea from as she's the one who's nearly killed me many times.

I packed everything into a duffle bag and left 5 minutes afterwards. I failed all of my finals because I couldnt make it to my school. Things kinda spiraled and the next 2-3 years were me on and off homeless. I survived the best I could in a big city with no college degree and made alot of shitty choices due to my shitty habits. Eventually i found a profitable hobby that gave me meaning and through that i started to work my way up. Got my own apartment, had a full time job, and did my hobby on the side. I hadn't kept up contact with my mother at all but my younger sister who was old enough to have a phone found me on social media so i saw photos and such, she didn't have it anywhere near as bad but she did get beaten occasionally. My mother reached out via email all smiles asking how I've been. Now guys, ive always been envious of the relationship most ppl have with their moms so I gave her a chance and gave her a call. We talked for a few minutes and everything was civil and seemed like things would go okay but then...

She asked me what I've been up to the last few years and I told her honestly, that I was homeless for a while and struggled alot after what she did to me but I worked my way out of it. SHE LITERALLY LAUGHS. She laughed for a few seconds in a very condescending kinda chuckle and then said "I never did a thing to you so you don't know what abuse is! its your own damn fault you were homeless. So how about yo-" but by that point I hung up. I was speechless and fuming. I don't know what abuse is? OKAY BITCH. IVE SPENT TOO FUCKING LONG LETTING YOU DESTROY MY SANITY. NOW IS THE TIME.

There was a few things my mother didn't know. One, I knew for a fact that current well paying job she had was gotten on lies as she never got her college degree and lied about it on her resume. Two, I had access to all of her email accounts and cloud storage accounts since I was the one that set them up when I was younger and she never changes her passwords. Lastly, she DEFINITELY wasn't aware that from 13yrs old and onto the last time she hit me I took photos of ALL my bruises/marks/wounds/bloody noses saving them to my computer and then google drive. ON TOP OF THAT, my little sister had been sending me photos via social media of the bruises she got from my mom.

The first thing I did was compile ALL of those photos/videos into one folder. I then reached out to CPS in my city and explained that my siblings were being abused, how I was abused in the past, and that I had mountains of proof. Since ive called the cops on my mother before AND the thing that happened with my older sister, there was immediately a home visit. They arrived almost a day later with the police and coincidentally my mother was literally in the process of beating my younger sister when they were knocking. Cue an Emergency removal of all my siblings from the house and my mother getting arrested though she was released hours later. (I was getting a day to day play by play because my mothers best friend is a blabber mouth and everything my mother said she told her son who relayed it to me without either of their knowledge.) I sent CPS all the evidence and there's a legit case against my mother now. The next day I emailed and then called up her job to inform them that she had lied about having a very necessary college degree as well current events in her life which sparked a background check. She was fired days later. Say adios to 75k and a blacklist in the only industry you know how to work. I then spitefully deleted every cloud account and email address I ever made for her, which was all of them which im sure will make keeping up with alot bills and etc nearly impossible. I then anonymously reported her to the IRS because of the tax fraud she committed for years by claiming people's children that weren't hers with ALOT of detailed information since I lived with her while she did it.

So now, my mother lost all her kids and her job. Im meeting with a caseworker from CPS next week to talk more about what happens moving forward but I do know they're NOT going back. Idk how she's gonna pay her mortgage now and survive. I'm sure she's gonna get a call from the IRS who'll be looking for a few thousand dollars she owes them. She also has to go back to court in a few months, not exactly sure what she was charged with but ill update when I find out how everything turns out.

Side Note: She isn't aware im the cause of any of this. I plan on keeping tabs on her and waiting until it seems like she's close to death before I tell her it was all me and I peed in her lipton.

TL;DR - My mother abuses me badly for most of my life as well as my younger siblings. I have to drop out of college and support myself after she drove me to homelessness. She proceeds to laugh at me about me being homeless and denys abuse. So I ruined her life by getting my younger siblings removed and her arrested, making her lose her job, reported her to the IRS, and essentially set her up so that the remainder of her life is full of disaster and hardships.

(source) (story by howbout_that_lipton)

[geekygoddesss]

Sunday morning

Summary: a very jetlagged and chilly Monday morning in Sydney

Words: 3k

As much as I love traveling, there is one fact that I would never be able to get out of the way and would haunt me forever, this shit is exhausting and even when I love it, with all of my heart, it seemed to be the only thing that tired me down this way.

It feel likes it’s only been a couple of hours ever since we arrived at Sydney but in fact, I think it has been actually about twenty four hours, in which most of them I spent sleeping and the other I was trying to be awake and failing terribly, it was like I have fallen on a trance where I could not keep myself awake until I broke my record of the most time sleeping in my whole life. I was in the zone from the moment my head touched that pillow and transported me into my dreamland after a lot of hours on the go.

This was certainly the most tired I have been in a long time.

I was fairly surprised when I woke up and the window was shining beneath the curtain. It was the day already, it looked just like this when I went to sleep at first and now I know I have been sleeping for almost a full day. This is really weird for me.

For the first time in hours, I am finally feeling my body waking up from a beautiful sleeping time after a ten hour flight and a couple of hours working. I felt like a new me but not entirely because I can still feel that feeling of tiredness overpowering my body and winning over my wishes to be awake at the moment.

There was something in me that was making me feel uncomfortable and from the moment I noticed it, I knew I would not be able to go back to sleep until I did something with that. It would not go away just like so.

I stir on the bed, feeling a little weird at first when I open my eyes, it was like I was walking up after a coma (I don’t know how it felt like but I bet if I had one it would feel like this), I was completely lost in time. I look at my side, I could have sworn my boyfriend was here with me when we first went to sleep and now he wasn’t, I look at my other side, I could see nothing but the half-open door of the bedroom, the bright light of the day pecking through its side and illuminating the room just a little, but most importantly, illuminating my face, it was almost like a signal for me to wake up right now and do something.

My first instinct when I sit up on the bed is to grab my phone, but oddly enough, I can’t find it anywhere, I must have left it on my bag with all of my stuff, so at the lack of energy I just go for my second instinct, getting up from the bed.

I peck outside of the room and listen closely, just to see if I heard any kind of sign that Calum was somewhere else but instead, I heard noises downstairs and there was a smell starting to run all over the hallway, it smelled like food and breakfast, I guess that’s how I know it’s the morning. I try to listen up more closely, I can’t hear Calum, or at least that’s what I think at first, because just about a minute after that thought, I hear a musical humming coming from behind me, it only takes me a couple of seconds to connect the dots, he is in the bathroom, he probably just woke up.

That’s when my third instinct kicks in, I think the wisest thing is to go to him.

I carefully close the door behind me, make sure it is locked just in case and walk on the opposite direction, right to where the humming is coming from. His washroom.

I walk in the bathroom, barely knocking as I make my way inside. I could have done it in the first place but I just didn’t felt like it, I barely felt like myself this morning, I was not in the mood for waiting to get in the bathroom and all of that nonsense.

Thank god I didn’t step in nothing weird because that would have been an awkward situation, inside there was just Calum, who was still on his pajamas and moving things around on his old bathroom, packing and unpacking things from his personal toiletries bag and setting everything in front of him for whatever he was going to do. He barely acknowledged me when I walked in at first, he just raised his look, nodded at me and turned back to unpacking his things, he was looking just as tired as I was and I don’t blame him, this might have been one of the heaviest trips to Australia we have had in such a long time.

“Good morning” he says, once I make my way inside all the way and close the door behind me. He didn’t look surprised nor weirded out when I walked in there, he tried to give me a smile and extended his hand in greeting when I turned to look up at him.

“Mmm morning” I say, rubbing my eyes with the back of my hand as I grab his with the other, give him a short hug and walk past him.

I see we both had different plans, because the moment I go in for a quick hug, he lowers himself a little to go for a kiss, which I decline without even noticing at first, causing him to whine when his lips crash with my forehead and my body makes just a passenger contact with his.

He whines, follows me with his gaze and pouts “Where’s my kiss?”

I shake my head, hold in a yawn and try to make my best to get actual words out of my mouth. I was way too sleepy to process the world around me, I needed time to go back to my normal self, not the asshole that I would usually be when I was just woken up.

“It’s too early for kisses” I say, making my way to the toilet and opening the sit.

Calum smiles at me shakes his head in fake disappointment and said “It’s never too early” he speaks watching me through the mirror, turning to face me just at the right moment when  I lower my pants and sit down on the toilet sit. Very attractive sight.

“Oh Wow” he says, turning around again in surprise and totally blushing, if I wasn’t so groggy I would laugh.

This was not as weird for us anymore. The first time it kind of was, the others were already not a big deal at all, he would do it with me and I would do it with him, he was just overreacting, we’ve been dating for way too long now, we were more than comfortable with each other by now.

I shook my head as his reaction. “Shut up, We’ve been dating for years, you pee when I shower all the time” I groan, still rubbing my sleepiness out of my eyes as I let it go and relieve myself.

He looks at me through the mirror once again, shows me a smile and says “Good point” to then he can go back to finishing unpacking his stuff and letting me do my business in peace.

He finished emptying his bag and organized everything, stored the empty bag in one of the cabinets and reached for his toothbrush, going in to clean up his mouth before doing anything else.  I knew he had a strict politic of brushing his teeth before doing anything that mattered and being more than tired after arriving in Australia was not an excuse, he would do it whether he was here or in China.

I finished my business quickly and by the time I was flushing and reaching out to give a quick wash to my hands, Calum was already cleaning out his toothbrush and inspecting his smile on the mirror to make sure his teeth were clean, they were, they always were.

To this I take advantage of his minty fresh and white smile, grab his hand in mine and catch his attention, he turns to me, smiles in my direction and chuckles the second I make a smooch with my lips “Now we’re talking, hello” he says, lowering himself to peck my lips shortly in a proper greeting.

“Hi” I say, taking in his kiss and giving him Space in front of the sink as I hug him from behind “What are you doing?”

“Manly business” he said chuckling, quickly washing his hands before grabbing a towel and some other stuff from around “what are you doing?” he asked back, looking up at me through the mirror.

I hum slightly, press my forehead against his back, in an attempt to make myself comfortable “Jet lagging” I mumble, closing my eyes. He chuckles at my answer. “Your mom is awake” I announce.

“Is she?” He says in small interest, reaching for some stuff from his back.

“Yes” I nod, pecking through his side to stare at him “I think she’s making us breakfast” I mumble, not helping myself as a pout shows on my lip.

Not that I was sad or was about to reject her breakfast, but I was really tired, all I wanted was to sleep.

“Why that pout?” he laughs weirdly, pouting back as he turns to me for a short second.

“Because I really want to sleep a little longer, I’m so tired, I don’t really feel like going downstairs” I whine, pressing my cheek against his back and hugging him more.

“Why aren’t you in bed then?” He teases, turning the water on and splashing some on his face.

I don’t answer I just stand there, pressing my forehead on his back and closing my eyes, it was weird to even say this out loud, but the moment he turns to look at me in question, my cheeks blush for some reason, he really wanted to know the real reason why I got off bed and was whining so much about it.

“I really had to pee and my mouth felt weird, okay?” I say, he laughed quietly, not really saying anything besides that, but I didn’t mind about it. I took the liberty to step in the tips of my toes and whisper in his eyes “Come to bed”

He shakes his head heavily, turns his head around to peck my lips really shortly and mumbles “No way, rule number one of jet lag, adapt” he said as a conclusion, going back to business again “What we need is a shot of espresso”

I laugh. He was right, a shot of that stuff did not sound bad at all, in fact, I would not say no to some of that stuff right now.

“Make it two” I say, kissing on his shoulder “you look so awake, why?”

He shrugs “Well Maybe it’s the practice, maybe I am well rested, maybe I am just happy” he says, not taking it as a big deal, talking as he reaches for the bottle of shaving cream and a razor “It’s going to be a fun day” he concludes, being way to sure about it.

It was impossible to say no to that. It was always going to be a good day when we were in Sydney. I can’t remember one time where I was a bad time in here, because I have never had one, this place was like our happy place.

“How do you know?” I tease, even when I knew what he meant.

“I see the future” he says in fake mysteriousness, he looks at me through the mirror and says “Wanna go to the beach later?”

I stare at his reflection. “Hmm” I say, really considering it. “Maybe” I mumble, closing my eyes again.

I try and really consider the fact of staying right here where I was for longer, but I was almost falling asleep like this, while I stood up and could barely keep my eyes open for a long period of time, his warmth against my body relaxed me way too much and oddly reminded me of the soft mattress of the bed. I had to go back to it before I fell asleep right here, right now.

I kiss on his shoulder and slowly slide my body to the side, moving to leave his side and walking away from him, but I can’t go too far away from here I was, because the moment I take about three steps away from him, he is already grabbing my wrist and holding me in place.

“Don’t go” he says, a small pout on his face. He softly pulls on my arm so I come back to his side.

My eyebrow raises. “Why?” I whine again but this time more on a playful tone “I’m just going back to bed for a little more, I’m exhausted” I pout as he pulls me in a hug and leaves a soft kiss on my forehead.

“You’re warm” he mumbles, kissing the crown of my head. “Stay” he says softly as he turns around and going back to our previous position “I won’t take long” he says.

I guess I believe him.

I make myself comfortable and rest my head on his back, close my eyes and do my best to rest my body for a little bit as I feel him moving around and completing his routine, and it is in this moment when I realize, I am so tired that I barely notice what he’s doing. The moment I hear the water running and a familiar ‘whoosh’ sound going off for about half a second, I am instantly opening my eyes and looking over his shoulder.

My suspects are confirmed the moment I take a simple glance at him. His face is full of foam and there is a razor already on his hand.

“No”I whine when I first see what he’s doing “Are you shaving?” I say pouting, grabbing his right hand where he held the razor and holding it in place.

He chuckles “Yes” he nods, now going to stand more straight.  “I feel like you have a bit of a personal opinion” he says in a serious tone, looking sideways in my direction.

“I like your stubble” I say, trying to lower his hand and making my pout a lot more noticeable.

It was true the fact that it was always going to be weird seeing him grow a beard for longer than needed, he was always going to be babyface Calum no matter what age he was currently at, but I was not going to deny the fact that he was way too attractive with a little bit of a beard, even when it was only a five o'clock kind of beard, I still liked it on him a lot.

“Really?” he asked, looking at his reflection in the mirror and sighing deeply  “Now your making me feel guilty”

I rest my chin on his shoulder and mumble a quiet “Don’t shave” as I leave a small kiss on the back of his ear as a small try to convince him.

he hissed, thought about it for a little bit but I guess he did not buy it because right after, he was grabbing the back of my hand and leading it back where it was before, so he could hear a proper grip of that razor and get things done.

“I have to” he says, shrugging and turning to look back at me “I have interviews and we agreed on taking pictures” he reminds me.

“Yes” I nod “But you look handsome with it” I try to convince him, he looks at me in the eye and I look at him, so I take advantage of this moment, make a pout with my lips and mumble “please?”

“Sorry Baby” he said, raising his opposite hand to touch my nose with one finger in a loving gesture.

I pout again “You’re no fun” I state, going back to my previous position and resting my eyes “You’re an artist you have to experiment with your looks”

“I literally dyed my hair two weeks ago” He laughed, leaning in and turning his head to make the first shave, which is fairly short before he says “I need to keep and professional, fresh, young look for all of my fans” he says chuckling before dragging the blade down all the way and turning the water on, in the meantime while he washes off his razor, he turns to look at me “especially my number one fan”

I smile to him, turn to look him in the eye and say in clear words “I Love you”

He smiles “I love you” he says softly.

Before I can even go back to my previous ‘sleeping’ position, he steals a quick kiss from me, it is quick and agile, I barely see it coming, but I can definitely feel it the second my face is slightly covered with spots of shaving cream.

“Hey!” I laugh, pushing him away as I wipe it off with my hand “That’s not fair”

“Oh sorry let me clean that up” he apologizes, putting his hand under the running water and splashing it on my face.

He was basically asking for me to start a fight.

“Ah!” I whine, doing the same as him and splashing water right in his eyes “I take it back, I hate you” I say, crossing my hand over my chest and taking a step back.

“But you’re awake now, aren’t you?” He laughs, turning the water off and reaching to grab my hand “Don’t hate me” he pouts

“I’m trying” I say, shaking my head in disbelief.

He pouts, pulls me closer to him and makes a move to leave a kiss on my cheek but before he can even get an inch close to my face I am already pushing him away again and exclaim “Okay!  don’t hate you!” I said laughing, walking backward and behind him “But you owe me an ice pop for that” I said pointing at him.

“Ah!” I hear him say as he grabs the razor again and runs it one more time on his face “Fair enough” he says before doing the same process all over again.

I walk back and away from him and despite his whines from the bathroom, after what he did, I just decided I would go back to the bed for a little longer before he decided to splash me away with the water and I think that is the best decision I have taken in the course of the day.

The moment I lay on the bed, I feel the warmth of the bed hugging me on it’s soft fabric and welcoming me to another round of sleep. I feel how deep I fell in my sleep, I could have sworn I even had a clear dream in the short amount of time I closed my eyes, now this is the kind of rest I was talking about, just a short nap before I had to go back to the real world and I can’t deny it felt just as good as I was picturing it to be.

It was a really good and comfortable moment, but like everything else in life, it came to an end, the moment a pair of hands laid on me and shook me in place on the bed.  

“Cmon sleeping beauty!” Calum exclaim as he woke me up successfully “We have a long day ahead of us”

This is what he says to me the moment he brings me back to reality and leaves me alone to get ready by myself, and damn he was right. It was going to be a long day, but there was something I was also sure off, it would be long but certainly unforgettable.

[fidelishaereticus]

Mode 5, Alice asks Jezebel about the Cardmaster: M and R

here is a scene for M. (biases/prejudices): it’s not a comprehensive answer and uhhhh idk if its wat you wanted but it came to me and it’s a plausible scene! Working on R separately.

—

“Will he…”

Alice looked down at her dirt-stained feet. The dust stuck between her toes where they were still wet: she’d tried to wash them, but it was no use. She was filthy—permanently. Even when she manifested in faerie she felt it cling to her.

Jezebel bent over her from where she floated in the air, brushed the hair back behind Alice’s ear and lifted her chin.

“What is it?”

Alice held her eyes only a moment, then looked down.

“I can’t imagine that he’ll want to look at me.”

Jezebel laughed.

“Of course he will! You are his Star. He’s been very impressed with you.”

“But I’m not clean!” 

She pulled her shoulders up around her ears, and wrung her dress with both hands. “I’ve never been clean. Not here, and not there either. Every time I manifest I try to be rid of it, but I can’t. It follows me. Everywhere. Everywhere.” She dropped down and hugged her knees in a tight ball. “I’ve wanted to see him for so long, but now…” She whispered. “He’s so perfect. I’ll never be like that. I’ve never fit into the world i’ve never fit into my clothes I’ve never even fit into my own skin. It just—it hangs on me. I didn’t choose it; I knock around inside and I can’t move—I don’t even recognise it—it’s obscene. Stretched over my bones like I don’t belong. Every movement. Every sound. There’s something wrong with me. I thought it was just here, but I can’t even escape it on the other side. I can’t make myself without it. It’s not my body. It’s not this world. It’s what I am. Why did you choose me?” She drew in a long breath, shuddering, and rocked on her feet. “I am dirt. I am dirt.”

Jezebel alighted on the floor and crouched beside her, hesitating a moment, then placed one arm around her shoulders.

“My darling Star,” she said. “You are all too perceptive. No, you do not fit—but that is precisely why we chose you. It’s a terrible world, and only very terrible people fit into it—people who are of no use to us. It’s them the Cardmaster will never want to see. You, on the other hand…I’ve seen you manifest, Alice. You are very beautiful, and you will only become more beautiful with time.”

Alice shook her head. “Not like Anemone. Not like Syrine. They always look so polished. I don’t know how they maintain it. They don’t spill dust and touch things they don’t mean to and lose control of their shapes. It’s like they can plan everything about how they are and then just be that. But I can’t.”

Jezebel laughed. “I’m noticing you didn’t say Iris.”

“That’s different. She knows her powers and she uses them like she means to. The darkness doesn’t speak to her. She claims what she is; she fits. She’s not…contaminated.”

Jezebel sat back, and smiled oddly. “I suspect, Alice, that you are holding yourself to a double-standard. How do you know that Iris doesn’t feel exactly the same way you do? Believe me…” Her eyes glittered with mischief. “And because I am a wretched gossip, allow me to clear this up for good. Iris is a mess. She hates herself—every bit as much as you do. Anemone is a mess. It’s just mess of a different kind. Even Syrine. So yes, you too, are a mess. You think I don’t know that? You think the Cardmaster doesn’t know that? And yet he loves you. And yet he chose you.” She ran her fingers through Alice’s hair. “And yet I chose you.”

“Why?” Alice furrowed her brow. “I don’t understand. You’ve said it yourself: he hates messes, and he hates the darkness. How is it that he won’t hate me?”

Jezebel looked down her lashes—long and fushia and flecked with stars.

“You do not know him,” she said. “True, he is very ‘perfect.’ He likes things to be ordered, and he despises necromancy and all that tends towards it. He’s very strict about that—and I daresay he can he can be a little overzealous in of his judgement of us when we fail to meet his standards—or when anything prompts him to suspect as much. But it is only because he wants the best for us—for all of us. We live with him. We strive with him for perfection: it is our job. With you, it is very different: he knows you exist also in this place—that you don’t fit—and that it frays you. But you are meant for something better. He wants to give it to you. That is the whole purpose of his enterprise: to help people—to fight the darkness, in all forms. And you admire him. You are no necromancer. You espouse his cause, and you serve him with all your heart. That is quite enough to endear you to him. He will not judge you as the world does. He wants to heal you. He would love to see you, Alice, however you come.”

Now she held Alice’s face lightly between both hands, and wiped one tear from her cheek.

“Won’t you let him?”

[stephenmccull]

Why Doctors Keep Monitoring Kids Who Recover From Mysterious COVID-Linked Illness

Israel Shippy doesn’t remember much about having COVID-19 — or the unusual auto-immune disease it triggered — other than being groggy and uncomfortable for a bunch of days. He’s a 5-year-old, and would much rather talk about cartoons, or the ideas for inventions that constantly pop into his head.

“Hold your horses, I think I know what I’m gonna make,” he said, holding up a finger in the middle of a conversation. “I’m gonna make something that lights up and attaches to things with glue, so if you don’t have a flashlight, you can just use it!”

In New York, at least 237 kids, including Israel, appear to have Multisystem Inflammatory Syndrome in Children, or MIS-C. And state officials continue to track the syndrome, but the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention did not respond to repeated requests for information on how many children nationwide have been diagnosed so far with MIS-C.

A study published June 29 in the New England Journal of Medicine reported on 186 patients in 26 states who had been diagnosed with MIS-C. A researcher writing in the same issue added reports from other countries, finding that about 1,000 children worldwide have been diagnosed with MIS-C.

Tracking the Long-Term Health Effects of MIS-C

Israel is friendly and energetic, but he’s also really good at sitting still. During a recent checkup at Children’s Hospital at Montefiore, in the Bronx, he had no complaints about all the stickers and wires a health aide attached to him for an EKG. And when Dr. Marc Foca, an infectious disease specialist, came by to listen to his heart and lungs, and prod his abdomen, Israel barely seemed to notice.

There were still some tests pending, but overall, Foca said, “Israel looks like a totally healthy 5-year-old.”

“Stay safe!” Israel called out, as Foca left. It’s his new signoff, instead of goodbye. His mother, Janelle Moholland, explained Israel came up with it himself.

And she’s also hoping that after a harrowing couple of weeks in early May, Israel himself will “stay safe.”

That’s why they’ve been returning to Montefiore for the periodic checkups, even though Israel seems to have recovered fully from both COVID-19 and MIS-C.

MIS-C is relatively rare, and it apparently responds well to treatment, but it is new enough — and mysterious enough — that doctors here want to make sure the children who recover don’t experience any related health complications in the future.

“We’ve seen these kids get really sick, and get better and recover and go home, yet we don’t know what the long-term outcomes are,” said Dr. Nadine Choueiter, a pediatric cardiologist at Montefiore. “So that’s why we will be seeing them.”

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Subscribe to KHN’s free Morning Briefing.

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Please confirm your email address below:

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When Israel first got sick at the end of April, his illness didn’t exactly look like COVID-19. He had persistent high fevers, with his temperature reaching 104 degrees — but no problems breathing. He wasn’t eating. He was barely drinking. He wasn’t using the bathroom. He had abdominal pains. His eyes were red.

They went to the emergency room a couple of times and visited an urgent care center, but the doctors sent them home without testing him for the coronavirus. Moholland, 29, said she felt powerless.

“There was nothing I could do but make him comfortable,” she said. “I literally had to just trust in a higher power and just hope that He would come through for us. It taught me a lot about patience and faith.”

As Israel grew sicker, and they still had no answers, Moholland grew frustrated. “I wish his pediatrician and [the emergency room and urgent care staff] had done what they were supposed to do and given him a test” when Israel first got sick, Moholland said. “What harm would it have done? He suffered for about 10 or 11 days that could have been avoided.”

In a later interview, she talked with NPR about how COVID-19 has disproportionately affected the African American community, due to a combination of underlying health conditions and lack of access to good health care. She said she felt she, too, had fallen victim to those disparities.

“It affects me, personally, because I am African American, but you just never know,” she said. “It’s hard. We’re living in uncertain times — very uncertain times.”

Finally, Children’s Hospital at Montefiore admitted Israel — and the test she’d been trying to get for days confirmed he had the virus.

“I was literally in tears, like begging them not to discharge me because I knew he was not fine,” she recalled.

Israel was in shock, and by the time he got to the hospital, doctors were on the lookout for MIS-C, so they recognized his symptoms — which were distinct from most people with COVID-19.

Doctors gave Israel fluids and intravenous immune globulin, a substance obtained from donated human plasma, which is used to treat deficiencies in the immune system.

Immune globulin has been effective in children like Israel because MIS-C appears to be caused by an immune overreaction to the initial coronavirus infection, according to Choueiter, the Montefiore pediatric cardiologist.

“The immune system starts attacking the body itself, including the arteries of the heart,” she said.

In some MIS-C cases — though not Israel’s — the attack occurs in the coronary arteries, inflaming and dilating them. That also happens in a different syndrome affecting children, Kawasaki disease. About 5% of Kawasaki patients experience aneurysms — which can fatally rupture blood vessels — after the initial condition subsides.

Choueiter and her colleagues want to make sure MIS-C patients don’t face similar risks. So far, they’re cautiously optimistic.

“We have not seen any new decrease in heart function or any new coronary artery dilations,” she said. “When we check their blood, their inflammatory markers are back to normal. For the parents, the child is back to baseline, and it’s as if this illness is a nightmare that’s long gone.”

For a Pennsylvania Teen, the MIS-C Diagnosis Came Much Later

Not every child who develops MIS-C tests positive for the coronavirus, though many will test positive for antibodies to the coronavirus, indicating they had been infected previously. That was the case with Andrew Lis, a boy from Pennsylvania who was the first MIS-C patient seen at the Nemours/Alfred I. duPont Hospital for Children in Wilmington, Delaware.

Andrew had been a healthy 14-year-old before he got sick. He and his twin brother love sports and video games. He said the first symptom was a bad headache. He developed a fever the next day, then constipation and intense stomach pain.

“It was terrible,” Andrew said. “It was unbearable. I couldn’t really move a lot.”

His mother, Ingrid Lis, said they were thinking appendicitis, not coronavirus, at first. In fact, she hesitated to take Andrew to the hospital, for fear of exposing him to the virus. But after Andrew stopped eating because of his headache and stomach discomfort, “I knew I couldn’t keep him home anymore,” Lis said.

Andrew was admitted to the hospital April 12, but that was before reports of the mysterious syndrome had started trickling out of Europe.

Over about five days in the pediatric intensive care unit, Andrew’s condition deteriorated rapidly, as doctors struggled to figure out what was wrong. Puzzled, they tried treatments for scarlet fever, strep throat and toxic shock syndrome. Andrew’s body broke out in rashes, then his heart began failing and he was put on a ventilator. Andrew’s father, Ed Lis, said doctors told the family to brace for the worst: “We’ve got a healthy kid who a few days ago was just having these sort of strange symptoms. And now they’re telling us that we could lose him.”

Though Andrew’s symptoms were atypical for Kawasaki disease, doctors decided to give him the standard treatment for that condition — administering intravenous immune globulin, the same treatment Israel Shippy received.

“Within the 24 hours of the infusion, he was a different person,” Ingrid Lis said. Andrew was removed from the ventilator, and his appetite eventually returned. “That’s when we knew that we had turned that corner.”

It wasn’t until after Andrew’s discharge that his doctors learned about MIS-C from colleagues in Europe. They recommended the whole family be tested for antibodies to the coronavirus. Although Andrew tested positive, the rest of the family — both parents, Andrew’s twin brother and two older siblings — all tested negative. Andrew’s mother is still not sure how he was exposed since the family had been observing a strict lockdown since mid-March. Both she and her husband were working remotely from home, and she says they all wore masks and were conscientious about hand-washing when they ventured out for groceries. She thinks Andrew must have been exposed at least a month before his illness began.

And she’s puzzled why the rest of her close-knit family wasn’t infected as well. “We are a Latino family,” Ingrid Lis said. “We are very used to being together, clustering in the same room.” Even when Andrew was sick, she says, all six of them huddled in his bedroom to comfort him.

Meanwhile, Andrew has made a quick recovery. Not long after his discharge in April, he turned 15 and resumed an exercise routine involving running, pushups and situps. A few weeks later, an echocardiogram showed Andrew’s heart was “perfect,” Ed Lis said. Still, doctors have asked Andrew to follow up with a cardiologist every three months.

An Eye on the Long-Term Effects

The medical team at Montefiore is tracking the 40 children they have already treated and discharged. With kids showing few symptoms in the immediate aftermath, Chouetier hopes the long-term trajectory after MIS-C will be similar to what happens after Kawasaki disease.

“Usually children who have had coronary artery dilations [from Kawasaki disease] that have resolved within the first six weeks of the illness do well long-term,” said Choueiter, who runs the Kawasaki disease program at Montefiore.

The Montefiore team is asking patients affected by MIS-C to return for a checkup one week after discharge, then after one month, three months, six months and a year. They will be evaluated by pediatric cardiologists, hematologists, rheumatologists and infectious disease specialists.

Montefiore and other children’s hospitals around the country are sharing information. Choueiter wants to establish an even longer-term monitoring program for MIS-C, comparable to registries that exist for other diseases.

Moholland is glad the hospital is being vigilant.

“The uncertainty of not knowing whether it could come back in his future is a little unsettling,” she said. “But I am hopeful.”

This story is part of a partnership that includes WNYC, NPR and Kaiser Health News.

Why Doctors Keep Monitoring Kids Who Recover From Mysterious COVID-Linked Illness published first on https://smartdrinkingweb.weebly.com/

[gordonwilliamsweb]

Why Doctors Keep Monitoring Kids Who Recover From Mysterious COVID-Linked Illness

Israel Shippy doesn’t remember much about having COVID-19 — or the unusual auto-immune disease it triggered — other than being groggy and uncomfortable for a bunch of days. He’s a 5-year-old, and would much rather talk about cartoons, or the ideas for inventions that constantly pop into his head.

“Hold your horses, I think I know what I’m gonna make,” he said, holding up a finger in the middle of a conversation. “I’m gonna make something that lights up and attaches to things with glue, so if you don’t have a flashlight, you can just use it!”

In New York, at least 237 kids, including Israel, appear to have Multisystem Inflammatory Syndrome in Children, or MIS-C. And state officials continue to track the syndrome, but the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention did not respond to repeated requests for information on how many children nationwide have been diagnosed so far with MIS-C.

A study published June 29 in the New England Journal of Medicine reported on 186 patients in 26 states who had been diagnosed with MIS-C. A researcher writing in the same issue added reports from other countries, finding that about 1,000 children worldwide have been diagnosed with MIS-C.

Tracking the Long-Term Health Effects of MIS-C

Israel is friendly and energetic, but he’s also really good at sitting still. During a recent checkup at Children’s Hospital at Montefiore, in the Bronx, he had no complaints about all the stickers and wires a health aide attached to him for an EKG. And when Dr. Marc Foca, an infectious disease specialist, came by to listen to his heart and lungs, and prod his abdomen, Israel barely seemed to notice.

There were still some tests pending, but overall, Foca said, “Israel looks like a totally healthy 5-year-old.”

“Stay safe!” Israel called out, as Foca left. It’s his new signoff, instead of goodbye. His mother, Janelle Moholland, explained Israel came up with it himself.

And she’s also hoping that after a harrowing couple of weeks in early May, Israel himself will “stay safe.”

That’s why they’ve been returning to Montefiore for the periodic checkups, even though Israel seems to have recovered fully from both COVID-19 and MIS-C.

MIS-C is relatively rare, and it apparently responds well to treatment, but it is new enough — and mysterious enough — that doctors here want to make sure the children who recover don’t experience any related health complications in the future.

“We’ve seen these kids get really sick, and get better and recover and go home, yet we don’t know what the long-term outcomes are,” said Dr. Nadine Choueiter, a pediatric cardiologist at Montefiore. “So that’s why we will be seeing them.”

Email Sign-Up

Subscribe to KHN’s free Morning Briefing.

Sign Up

Please confirm your email address below:

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When Israel first got sick at the end of April, his illness didn’t exactly look like COVID-19. He had persistent high fevers, with his temperature reaching 104 degrees — but no problems breathing. He wasn’t eating. He was barely drinking. He wasn’t using the bathroom. He had abdominal pains. His eyes were red.

They went to the emergency room a couple of times and visited an urgent care center, but the doctors sent them home without testing him for the coronavirus. Moholland, 29, said she felt powerless.

“There was nothing I could do but make him comfortable,” she said. “I literally had to just trust in a higher power and just hope that He would come through for us. It taught me a lot about patience and faith.”

As Israel grew sicker, and they still had no answers, Moholland grew frustrated. “I wish his pediatrician and [the emergency room and urgent care staff] had done what they were supposed to do and given him a test” when Israel first got sick, Moholland said. “What harm would it have done? He suffered for about 10 or 11 days that could have been avoided.”

In a later interview, she talked with NPR about how COVID-19 has disproportionately affected the African American community, due to a combination of underlying health conditions and lack of access to good health care. She said she felt she, too, had fallen victim to those disparities.

“It affects me, personally, because I am African American, but you just never know,” she said. “It’s hard. We’re living in uncertain times — very uncertain times.”

Finally, Children’s Hospital at Montefiore admitted Israel — and the test she’d been trying to get for days confirmed he had the virus.

“I was literally in tears, like begging them not to discharge me because I knew he was not fine,” she recalled.

Israel was in shock, and by the time he got to the hospital, doctors were on the lookout for MIS-C, so they recognized his symptoms — which were distinct from most people with COVID-19.

Doctors gave Israel fluids and intravenous immune globulin, a substance obtained from donated human plasma, which is used to treat deficiencies in the immune system.

Immune globulin has been effective in children like Israel because MIS-C appears to be caused by an immune overreaction to the initial coronavirus infection, according to Choueiter, the Montefiore pediatric cardiologist.

“The immune system starts attacking the body itself, including the arteries of the heart,” she said.

In some MIS-C cases — though not Israel’s — the attack occurs in the coronary arteries, inflaming and dilating them. That also happens in a different syndrome affecting children, Kawasaki disease. About 5% of Kawasaki patients experience aneurysms — which can fatally rupture blood vessels — after the initial condition subsides.

Choueiter and her colleagues want to make sure MIS-C patients don’t face similar risks. So far, they’re cautiously optimistic.

“We have not seen any new decrease in heart function or any new coronary artery dilations,” she said. “When we check their blood, their inflammatory markers are back to normal. For the parents, the child is back to baseline, and it’s as if this illness is a nightmare that’s long gone.”

For a Pennsylvania Teen, the MIS-C Diagnosis Came Much Later

Not every child who develops MIS-C tests positive for the coronavirus, though many will test positive for antibodies to the coronavirus, indicating they had been infected previously. That was the case with Andrew Lis, a boy from Pennsylvania who was the first MIS-C patient seen at the Nemours/Alfred I. duPont Hospital for Children in Wilmington, Delaware.

Andrew had been a healthy 14-year-old before he got sick. He and his twin brother love sports and video games. He said the first symptom was a bad headache. He developed a fever the next day, then constipation and intense stomach pain.

“It was terrible,” Andrew said. “It was unbearable. I couldn’t really move a lot.”

His mother, Ingrid Lis, said they were thinking appendicitis, not coronavirus, at first. In fact, she hesitated to take Andrew to the hospital, for fear of exposing him to the virus. But after Andrew stopped eating because of his headache and stomach discomfort, “I knew I couldn’t keep him home anymore,” Lis said.

Andrew was admitted to the hospital April 12, but that was before reports of the mysterious syndrome had started trickling out of Europe.

Over about five days in the pediatric intensive care unit, Andrew’s condition deteriorated rapidly, as doctors struggled to figure out what was wrong. Puzzled, they tried treatments for scarlet fever, strep throat and toxic shock syndrome. Andrew’s body broke out in rashes, then his heart began failing and he was put on a ventilator. Andrew’s father, Ed Lis, said doctors told the family to brace for the worst: “We’ve got a healthy kid who a few days ago was just having these sort of strange symptoms. And now they’re telling us that we could lose him.”

Though Andrew’s symptoms were atypical for Kawasaki disease, doctors decided to give him the standard treatment for that condition — administering intravenous immune globulin, the same treatment Israel Shippy received.

“Within the 24 hours of the infusion, he was a different person,” Ingrid Lis said. Andrew was removed from the ventilator, and his appetite eventually returned. “That’s when we knew that we had turned that corner.”

It wasn’t until after Andrew’s discharge that his doctors learned about MIS-C from colleagues in Europe. They recommended the whole family be tested for antibodies to the coronavirus. Although Andrew tested positive, the rest of the family — both parents, Andrew’s twin brother and two older siblings — all tested negative. Andrew’s mother is still not sure how he was exposed since the family had been observing a strict lockdown since mid-March. Both she and her husband were working remotely from home, and she says they all wore masks and were conscientious about hand-washing when they ventured out for groceries. She thinks Andrew must have been exposed at least a month before his illness began.

And she’s puzzled why the rest of her close-knit family wasn’t infected as well. “We are a Latino family,” Ingrid Lis said. “We are very used to being together, clustering in the same room.” Even when Andrew was sick, she says, all six of them huddled in his bedroom to comfort him.

Meanwhile, Andrew has made a quick recovery. Not long after his discharge in April, he turned 15 and resumed an exercise routine involving running, pushups and situps. A few weeks later, an echocardiogram showed Andrew’s heart was “perfect,” Ed Lis said. Still, doctors have asked Andrew to follow up with a cardiologist every three months.

An Eye on the Long-Term Effects

The medical team at Montefiore is tracking the 40 children they have already treated and discharged. With kids showing few symptoms in the immediate aftermath, Chouetier hopes the long-term trajectory after MIS-C will be similar to what happens after Kawasaki disease.

“Usually children who have had coronary artery dilations [from Kawasaki disease] that have resolved within the first six weeks of the illness do well long-term,” said Choueiter, who runs the Kawasaki disease program at Montefiore.

The Montefiore team is asking patients affected by MIS-C to return for a checkup one week after discharge, then after one month, three months, six months and a year. They will be evaluated by pediatric cardiologists, hematologists, rheumatologists and infectious disease specialists.

Montefiore and other children’s hospitals around the country are sharing information. Choueiter wants to establish an even longer-term monitoring program for MIS-C, comparable to registries that exist for other diseases.

Moholland is glad the hospital is being vigilant.

“The uncertainty of not knowing whether it could come back in his future is a little unsettling,” she said. “But I am hopeful.”

This story is part of a partnership that includes WNYC, NPR and Kaiser Health News.

Why Doctors Keep Monitoring Kids Who Recover From Mysterious COVID-Linked Illness published first on https://nootropicspowdersupplier.tumblr.com/

[dinafbrownil]

Why Doctors Keep Monitoring Kids Who Recover From Mysterious COVID-Linked Illness

Israel Shippy doesn’t remember much about having COVID-19 — or the unusual auto-immune disease it triggered — other than being groggy and uncomfortable for a bunch of days. He’s a 5-year-old, and would much rather talk about cartoons, or the ideas for inventions that constantly pop into his head.

“Hold your horses, I think I know what I’m gonna make,” he said, holding up a finger in the middle of a conversation. “I’m gonna make something that lights up and attaches to things with glue, so if you don’t have a flashlight, you can just use it!”

In New York, at least 237 kids, including Israel, appear to have Multisystem Inflammatory Syndrome in Children, or MIS-C. And state officials continue to track the syndrome, but the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention did not respond to repeated requests for information on how many children nationwide have been diagnosed so far with MIS-C.

A study published June 29 in the New England Journal of Medicine reported on 186 patients in 26 states who had been diagnosed with MIS-C. A researcher writing in the same issue added reports from other countries, finding that about 1,000 children worldwide have been diagnosed with MIS-C.

Tracking the Long-Term Health Effects of MIS-C

Israel is friendly and energetic, but he’s also really good at sitting still. During a recent checkup at Children’s Hospital at Montefiore, in the Bronx, he had no complaints about all the stickers and wires a health aide attached to him for an EKG. And when Dr. Marc Foca, an infectious disease specialist, came by to listen to his heart and lungs, and prod his abdomen, Israel barely seemed to notice.

There were still some tests pending, but overall, Foca said, “Israel looks like a totally healthy 5-year-old.”

“Stay safe!” Israel called out, as Foca left. It’s his new signoff, instead of goodbye. His mother, Janelle Moholland, explained Israel came up with it himself.

And she’s also hoping that after a harrowing couple of weeks in early May, Israel himself will “stay safe.”

That’s why they’ve been returning to Montefiore for the periodic checkups, even though Israel seems to have recovered fully from both COVID-19 and MIS-C.

MIS-C is relatively rare, and it apparently responds well to treatment, but it is new enough — and mysterious enough — that doctors here want to make sure the children who recover don’t experience any related health complications in the future.

“We’ve seen these kids get really sick, and get better and recover and go home, yet we don’t know what the long-term outcomes are,” said Dr. Nadine Choueiter, a pediatric cardiologist at Montefiore. “So that’s why we will be seeing them.”

Email Sign-Up

Subscribe to KHN’s free Morning Briefing.

Sign Up

Please confirm your email address below:

Sign Up

When Israel first got sick at the end of April, his illness didn’t exactly look like COVID-19. He had persistent high fevers, with his temperature reaching 104 degrees — but no problems breathing. He wasn’t eating. He was barely drinking. He wasn’t using the bathroom. He had abdominal pains. His eyes were red.

They went to the emergency room a couple of times and visited an urgent care center, but the doctors sent them home without testing him for the coronavirus. Moholland, 29, said she felt powerless.

“There was nothing I could do but make him comfortable,” she said. “I literally had to just trust in a higher power and just hope that He would come through for us. It taught me a lot about patience and faith.”

As Israel grew sicker, and they still had no answers, Moholland grew frustrated. “I wish his pediatrician and [the emergency room and urgent care staff] had done what they were supposed to do and given him a test” when Israel first got sick, Moholland said. “What harm would it have done? He suffered for about 10 or 11 days that could have been avoided.”

In a later interview, she talked with NPR about how COVID-19 has disproportionately affected the African American community, due to a combination of underlying health conditions and lack of access to good health care. She said she felt she, too, had fallen victim to those disparities.

“It affects me, personally, because I am African American, but you just never know,” she said. “It’s hard. We’re living in uncertain times — very uncertain times.”

Finally, Children’s Hospital at Montefiore admitted Israel — and the test she’d been trying to get for days confirmed he had the virus.

“I was literally in tears, like begging them not to discharge me because I knew he was not fine,” she recalled.

Israel was in shock, and by the time he got to the hospital, doctors were on the lookout for MIS-C, so they recognized his symptoms — which were distinct from most people with COVID-19.

Doctors gave Israel fluids and intravenous immune globulin, a substance obtained from donated human plasma, which is used to treat deficiencies in the immune system.

Immune globulin has been effective in children like Israel because MIS-C appears to be caused by an immune overreaction to the initial coronavirus infection, according to Choueiter, the Montefiore pediatric cardiologist.

“The immune system starts attacking the body itself, including the arteries of the heart,” she said.

In some MIS-C cases — though not Israel’s — the attack occurs in the coronary arteries, inflaming and dilating them. That also happens in a different syndrome affecting children, Kawasaki disease. About 5% of Kawasaki patients experience aneurysms — which can fatally rupture blood vessels — after the initial condition subsides.

Choueiter and her colleagues want to make sure MIS-C patients don’t face similar risks. So far, they’re cautiously optimistic.

“We have not seen any new decrease in heart function or any new coronary artery dilations,” she said. “When we check their blood, their inflammatory markers are back to normal. For the parents, the child is back to baseline, and it’s as if this illness is a nightmare that’s long gone.”

For a Pennsylvania Teen, the MIS-C Diagnosis Came Much Later

Not every child who develops MIS-C tests positive for the coronavirus, though many will test positive for antibodies to the coronavirus, indicating they had been infected previously. That was the case with Andrew Lis, a boy from Pennsylvania who was the first MIS-C patient seen at the Nemours/Alfred I. duPont Hospital for Children in Wilmington, Delaware.

Andrew had been a healthy 14-year-old before he got sick. He and his twin brother love sports and video games. He said the first symptom was a bad headache. He developed a fever the next day, then constipation and intense stomach pain.

“It was terrible,” Andrew said. “It was unbearable. I couldn’t really move a lot.”

His mother, Ingrid Lis, said they were thinking appendicitis, not coronavirus, at first. In fact, she hesitated to take Andrew to the hospital, for fear of exposing him to the virus. But after Andrew stopped eating because of his headache and stomach discomfort, “I knew I couldn’t keep him home anymore,” Lis said.

Andrew was admitted to the hospital April 12, but that was before reports of the mysterious syndrome had started trickling out of Europe.

Over about five days in the pediatric intensive care unit, Andrew’s condition deteriorated rapidly, as doctors struggled to figure out what was wrong. Puzzled, they tried treatments for scarlet fever, strep throat and toxic shock syndrome. Andrew’s body broke out in rashes, then his heart began failing and he was put on a ventilator. Andrew’s father, Ed Lis, said doctors told the family to brace for the worst: “We’ve got a healthy kid who a few days ago was just having these sort of strange symptoms. And now they’re telling us that we could lose him.”

Though Andrew’s symptoms were atypical for Kawasaki disease, doctors decided to give him the standard treatment for that condition — administering intravenous immune globulin, the same treatment Israel Shippy received.

“Within the 24 hours of the infusion, he was a different person,” Ingrid Lis said. Andrew was removed from the ventilator, and his appetite eventually returned. “That’s when we knew that we had turned that corner.”

It wasn’t until after Andrew’s discharge that his doctors learned about MIS-C from colleagues in Europe. They recommended the whole family be tested for antibodies to the coronavirus. Although Andrew tested positive, the rest of the family — both parents, Andrew’s twin brother and two older siblings — all tested negative. Andrew’s mother is still not sure how he was exposed since the family had been observing a strict lockdown since mid-March. Both she and her husband were working remotely from home, and she says they all wore masks and were conscientious about hand-washing when they ventured out for groceries. She thinks Andrew must have been exposed at least a month before his illness began.

And she’s puzzled why the rest of her close-knit family wasn’t infected as well. “We are a Latino family,” Ingrid Lis said. “We are very used to being together, clustering in the same room.” Even when Andrew was sick, she says, all six of them huddled in his bedroom to comfort him.

Meanwhile, Andrew has made a quick recovery. Not long after his discharge in April, he turned 15 and resumed an exercise routine involving running, pushups and situps. A few weeks later, an echocardiogram showed Andrew’s heart was “perfect,” Ed Lis said. Still, doctors have asked Andrew to follow up with a cardiologist every three months.

An Eye on the Long-Term Effects

The medical team at Montefiore is tracking the 40 children they have already treated and discharged. With kids showing few symptoms in the immediate aftermath, Chouetier hopes the long-term trajectory after MIS-C will be similar to what happens after Kawasaki disease.

“Usually children who have had coronary artery dilations [from Kawasaki disease] that have resolved within the first six weeks of the illness do well long-term,” said Choueiter, who runs the Kawasaki disease program at Montefiore.

The Montefiore team is asking patients affected by MIS-C to return for a checkup one week after discharge, then after one month, three months, six months and a year. They will be evaluated by pediatric cardiologists, hematologists, rheumatologists and infectious disease specialists.

Montefiore and other children’s hospitals around the country are sharing information. Choueiter wants to establish an even longer-term monitoring program for MIS-C, comparable to registries that exist for other diseases.

Moholland is glad the hospital is being vigilant.

“The uncertainty of not knowing whether it could come back in his future is a little unsettling,” she said. “But I am hopeful.”

This story is part of a partnership that includes WNYC, NPR and Kaiser Health News.

from Updates By Dina https://khn.org/news/why-doctors-keep-monitoring-kids-who-recover-from-mysterious-covid-linked-illness/

[isiyasy]

Wiladat Anniversary of 10th Imam Ali an-Naqi (A.S.)

Birth Imam Ali un-Naqi (A.S.) known as Hazrat Hadi was born in the mid of ZilHajj, 212 Hijrah in the vicinity of Madina, at a place known as Surya. His father is Imam Jawad (A.S.) his mother Samana was a maid with excellence, virtue and piety. Imam (A.S.) got the post of Imamate after the martyrdom of his father in the year 220 Hijrah.

Although he was not more than 8 years of age, yet he was the focus of the attention of Shias and the Abbasade caliphs were extremely scared and afraid of him. They set their hand to his exile and torture. Such as "Mutawakkil" brought Imam (A.S.) from Madina to Samarra and he stayed then till the end of his life. The Special Moral Features of Imam (A.S.) Imam (A.S.) was unique in asceticism, devotion and prayers. So that, when the agents and officials of Mutawakkil attacked his house, they saw him busy praying in a simple room.

He had a great attachment and affiliation with the holy Quran. Whenever he was free from the works of the people he would recite Quran. He conducted people with smiling and bloomed face and when he walked he took slow steps. He attended and helped the afflicted ones. Sometimes, he would grant up to thirty thousand dinnars to the have nots, needy and problem stricken people.

So that when "Mutawakkil" sent thirty thousand dinnars for him he gave all of it to a needy and poor Arab. The mother of "Mutawakkil" had become enamored and fascinated by the devotion and asceticism and faith of Imam Hadi (A.S.). On the day when Mutawakkil fell ill, his foot was injured and the physicians got unable and helpless regarding his treatment. His mother sent "Fatah bin Khaqan" to Imam's (A.S.) house to request him for a medicine. Imam (A.S.) recommended a medicine to him by which Mutawakkil was treated and cured and all the physicians were astonished at it. His mother send a thousand dinars as a gratitude in connection with his being cure. He distributed all of that money among the afflicted ones.

Imam's (A.S.) Attends the Distressed

Once "Younas Naqqash" came terrified and trembling to see Imam (A.S.) and said, "Oh the son of the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) I am at the verge and threshold of death, you help my family." Imam (A.S.) asked him as to what was the matter. He said so, "one of the courtiers of Abbasade caliphate has given me a gem to engrave a design upon it. During the work, the gem broke into two pieces. Tomorrow, he will send someone to collect the gem. If he comes to know about the matter he will kill me." Imam (A.S.) bent his head downward then he raised it saying, "I prayed for you, be satisfied no harm will reach you from him, instead, this work will end to your benefit. Get up and go you will face no trouble tomorrow." The next day Younas moved towards the house of that man with trembling legs along with one of the officials deputed.

Not very long afterwards, the owner of the house arrived and said, "Oh younas it was settled that you engrave a design over that gem but two of my daughters have a conflict upon this gem." If it is possible, break the gem into two pieces, and engrave the design on each of the two parts of it. I will give you a reward too, for that, Younas said, "Permit me to think about this matter." He came out of that place and returned happily to Imam (A.S.) and expressed his gratitude and thankfulness over the kindness he had shown to him.

The Hardest Period

The continuation of combat and opposition of Imams (A.S.) to the tyrants and the brutal rulers is one of the pride and passions of the history of Islam and Shiite school. They, by their un-comprising attitude toward tyranny and siding with the poor and desperate flared up the anger of the tyrants and cruel to the extent that they deprived them off their sleep and comfort.

Although Imam's (A.S.) period of life was coincident with seven of the Abbasade Caliphs, yet the hardest and toughest period of his life as that of the caliphate of "Mutawakkil" because he was a fame fan, wicked and faithless person. If he posed to be religious that was only in view of promoting his political causes. In the year 226 Hijrah, Mutawakkil ordered that the grave of Imam Hussain (A.S.) be washed away by diverting (river) water and the place be ploughed for agriculture so that people may be deprived of the visiting the martyrs of Karbala.

Mutawakkil knew pretty well that each of these graves was a strong fortress against him, which continuously attracts the self-sacrificing and devoted soldiers, and heart burnt lovers from all over the world towards itself. So far so, that Mohammad Ibn-e-Idrees, one of the scholars sided by Mutawakkil. He instigated people to ask the solution to their (religious) problems from Mutawakkil so that they may gradually take distance from the family of Ali (A.S.).

Following the terrible crime of martyring the Imam (A.S.) Mutawakkil never had peace of mind and remained continuously sad and gloomy till the Turks killed him.

Imam (A.S.) and Unseen Aids

One day one of the flatterer and glib tongued person said to 'Mutawakkil', "Why do you command your court offices to honor Imam, and when he arrives they must raise the curtains and open the doors for him.

This itself is against your conduct. Let Imam (A.S.) come and go like the rest of the people so that he looses his worth in the eyes of people." Mutawakkil agreed to his demand and ordered his officials not to hold the curtains and open the doors while Imam (A.S.) comes or leaves. One day, one of his servants came rushing to him and said: "Imam (A.S.) is coming and to whichever part of the court he arrives, the doors open and curtains are drawn automatically.

This thing attracted the attention of all and if this continues on the superiority and supremacy of Imam (A.S.) will become clear and evident to all, thus your government will be endangered. Mutawakkil at once ordered that the officials must adopt the previous conduct with Imam (A.S.) and honor him more than ever.

Martyrdom Due to Truthfulness

One day Mutawakkil asked Ibn-e-Sikkit the tutor of his sons, "Do you love my sons more than you love the sons of the Prophet (P.B.U.H.)." He at once answered with valor and bravely, "I love Qambar the slave of Ali (A.S.) more than I love your sons." Mutawakkil was enraged and furious like an injured wolf and ordered that the tongue of this man be extracted and pulled out of the back of his head (neck) and so that great man died at the age of 58 years.

Mutawakkil Pressurizes the Family of Ali (A.S.)

Mutawakkil got famous and well known for his extravagant and lavish expenditure and misusing people's wealth so that he spent one million and seven hundred golden dinars for building a strong fortress which is present to this date in Samarra. With all these extravagances and plundering people's wealth he was so very strict in his behavior with the sons of the Prophet (P.B.U.H.).

So that the daughters of the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) led their lives by yarn spinning in Madina and did not even have a pair of new dress to wear. Mutawakkil had a bad and ill conduct with the sons of the Prophet (P.B.U.H.). He got friendly with the enemies of Ali (A.S.) and gave them money to make fun of Ali (A.S.) and his family such as he was always accompanied by a stooge who cut jokes and made fun of Ali (A.S.) and made him laugh. He would laugh loudly and lunatic ally.

The rigid, tough and harmful attitude of Mutawakkil regarding sons of Ali (A.S.) went to the extent that he wrote to the governor of Madina, "whosoever wishes to help the family of Ali (A.S.) or visits them, punish him severely." Mutawakkil banished the Imam (A.S.) through one of his officials from Madina to Samarra in the year 243 Hijrah. He accommodated him along with his son Imam Hassan Askari (A.S.) in a military camp near his palace. And kept him under observation till the end of (Imam) life.

This is the very reason why Imam (A.S.) got known by the title of Askari, became Askar means army or military.

Imam's (A.S.) Knowledge Status

Since the knowledge of Imam Hadi (A.S.) originated from the Prophetic school thus the light of knowledge shone over his heart and made him aware of the secret of creation.

1. One day, the emperor of Rome wrote to one of the caliphs of Bani Abbas, "We have read in Bible that there is one Surah (Chapter) of the heavenly Surahs, which if read by anyone and practiced upon it's content God will not send that person to the Hell. You write me as to which one is that Surah? Because we did not find it in Bible." The Abbasade Caliph gathered all the wise men and asked them the question and all of them failed to answer it.

The Caliph summoned Imam Hadi (A.S.) and put to him that question Imam (A.S.) opened his lips for the reply and said, "That surah is Surah "Hamd" which every Muslim recites a number of times in his prayers at day and night time." Then Imam (A.S.) gave some explanations about it, which surprised and astonished all the wise men. The answer of Imam (A.S.) was sent to the emperor of Rome who, having read it, was much pleased and embraced Islam.

2. "Yahya bin Aqsam" who was one of the wise men of Mamoon's age and the caliphs afterwards asked Imam (A.S.) many questions through a letter which were replied by him. The questions of Yahya and the response given by Imam (A.S.) are as under: 

Question No.1. When "Sulayman (A.S.)" demanded the throne of queen "Bilqees" of "Sheba" his minister "Asif Barkhia" said, "I can bring the throne for you in the time of winking of an eye" why did Sulayman (Solomon) (A.S.) himself not do that? Did he himself not have the knowledge? Answer: Whatever Asif did was through Sulayman (A.S.) and he had received his wisdom and knowledge from him since, Sulayman was a Prophet he had the capacity and power to perform all these works. But because of it, that he wanted to introduce his successor to the people and make them aware of his station he assigned him this work.

Question No.2. On the basis of Quranic version when Yaqoob (Jacob) (A.S.) went to Kanaan along with his sons to see Yousuf (A.S.) all fell down into prostration before Yousuf (Joseph) (A.S.). Why did a Prophet like Yaqoob (A.S.) performed prostration for Yousuf (A.S.). Whereas, prostration is specified only for God? Answer: This prostration was not for Vousuf (A.S.) but as a thanks giving to God, just like the prostration of the angels for Adam (A.S.) even though, they did not perform it for Adam (A.S.), but prostration to God as a gratitude and thankfulness, regarding this creation, to Him.

Question No.3. Based upon the Quran's narration, if the edibles and beverages of Paradise are for the sake of pleasure then, why was Adam (A.S.) forbidden to eat the grapes and was expelled from Paradise? Answer. As God wanted to try and test Adam (A.S.), He commanded him not to obey his wife Hawwa (Eve) (A.S.) and not to eat from that tree. But he opposed it and as a result he was ousted from the haven.

Question No.4. Why did Ali (A.S.) order his men in the battle of Jamal (Camel) to chase and bring into effect the pursuit of only "the warriors" and not to kill those who ran away, or were not armed, or injured? But in the Siffeen battle he ordered to kill them all, whether armed or unarmed, injured or uninjured, whomsoever they found and laid hands upon. Why was this difference in the order? Answer: Since, the battle of Jamal was a battle of Islam verses Islam and a battle between a deceived Muslim against another Muslim but the battle of Siffeen was a battle of infidels against Islam. 

It was a combat between Muslim appearing infidels and the real Islam. The next day Yahyah bin Aksam asked all the wise men present in the assembly of Haroon: When Adam (A.S.) went to perform Hajj and visit the house of God, who shaved his head off? All of them were unable to give an answer to him. Then they put question to Imam Hadi (A.S.). He said, "Gabriel the angel of God." Yahyah took pleasure and enjoyed the answers of Imam (A.S.) and admitted to the knowledge station of Imam (A.S.) in the presence of all.

The Imam's (A.S.) News about the unseen

People observed from lmam Hadi (A.S.) due to his connection with God and the unseen world, works which were considered to be the specimen of God's might and power. One of the friends of Imam (A.S.) traveled from Iraq to Madina and had the honor to visit Imam (A.S.). Imam (A.S.) enquired from him the condition of Al-Wasiq the Abbasade caliph and he replied, "when I left Iraq he was fit and fine, and Mutawakkil was in prison and Ibn-e-Zayyat had become famous and well known among the people. Imam (A.S.) after a moment's silence said, "That which is God's will, shall take place, and there is no way to stop his orders and commands. Oh my friend be aware that Wasiq has passed away and Mutawakkil has succeeded him and Ibn-e-Ziyyat has been slain upon the behest of Mutawakkil."

I asked, "When was it?" He said, "Six days after you moved out of Baghdad."

Imam's (A.S.) Judgment

In the age of Mutawakkil regime a lady claimed that she was Zainub the daughter of Fatima. He said, "Many long years have passed since that period when Zainub lived and you are quite young." She replied, "Yes, but the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) drew his hand upon my head and prayed for me to remain young for ever. As such, after every forty years I turn back to become young." Mutawakkil called upon all the wise men to visit him and enquired from them, "What do you say about the claim of this women" All of them said, "she tells a lie." 

Mutawakkil said, "I know that she is lying, but what proof and logic do you have to condemn her." They said, "We do not know, Imam Hadi (A.S.) should solve this problem." Mutawakkil at once summoned Imam (A.S.) and told him about that matter.

Imam (A.S.) said, "send her to the cage of the lions, if she is telling the truth, because the beasts do not molest the children of Fatimah (S.A.) and do not eat their flesh. Mutawakkil said to the woman, "what do you say?" She said, "This man wishes that I may be killed. If he is right then let him do it himself." Mutawakkil said, "she is right, you must do it first yourself." Imam (A.S.) replied, "There is no hurdle to it" He went to the lions in the cage and sat among them. All observed with amazement, that the lions sat very respectfully before the Imam (A.S.) and sometimes caressed themselves against his body and he caressed their bodies with his hand, affectionately. When Imam (A.S.) ordered that they might move to a corner, all of them crept to a nook. Then Imam (A.S.) came out of the cage and went to Mutawakkil and said, "Oh woman now it is your turn." The woman started crying and begging saying, "I told a lie, I am the daughter of such and such man, and wanted to play a trick and a hoax but it did not work."

Imam (A.S.) in Mutawakkil's Assembly

Mutawakkil, who was a self conceited and egoist Abbasade caliph, was much annoyed about the attention of the people focused upon Hadi (A.S.) and was all the time immersed in the thought of annihilating Imam (A.S.). One day, he was informed that Imam (A.S.) wanted to bring about a revolt and has gathered money and weapons, for this purpose, in his house. Mutawakkil ordered the officials to attack and break into the house of Imam (A.S.) at midnight and search it and whatever money and weapons are discovered be brought to him along with the Imam (A.S.).

Mutawakkil had arranged a merry making party in his palace for his own relaxation and amusement and the musician played music and the singers sang sons for him. He was counting moments and waiting anxiously for Imam to be showed in. The agents and officials climbed the roof from the backside of the Imam's (A.S.) house and break into it. They found Imam (A.S.) busy in offering his prayers in a room. 

Howsoever, they searched the rooms but could not find anything except a certain amount of money and one sword. They picked these up and presented to Mutawakkil along with the Imam (A.S.). When Imam (A.S.) arrived Mutawakkil seated him beside himself and presented the dirty drink (wine) to him and asked him to take it. Imam (A.S.) said, "By Lord, I shall never at all touch my lips with it." Mutawakkil who was intoxicated and did not have attention towards anything turned his face to Imam (A.S.) and said, "Thus you must recite some poem (rhymes) for me." Hazrat Imam (A.S.) said, "I do not know any of them except for a number of them, which are left over as a monument of my grandfather Ali (A.S.)." Mutawakkil said, "Recite that" Imam (A.S.) recited the rhymes, of his forefather Ali (A.S.), which were striking and awareness creating. A tempest took shape in his interior. So that he came to his senses, out of intoxication. He wept and ordered that Imam (A.S.) may be sent back to his house respectfully.

The money, which was brought from his house, may be returned with sane addition to it.

The Translation of the rhymes is as under:

1. They made the high peaks, their residence, and permanently and always, stationed armed guards to watch that. But none of them could stop the death from approaching them.

2. Finally and consequently, they were dragged from their grand palaces into the ditches of graves and with how unfortunately they arrived it.

3. At this time, the voice of the caller of God raised which said, "Where did those decorations, crowns, magnanimity and ostentation and grandeur go?" Where did those faces brought up in coquetry and endearment and which were nurtured upon the wealth of others, and showed their pride and mincing air to them, go.

4. The grave made them anonymous and their faces turned into the fields of attacks of the insects and worms.

5. One day they ate and drank whatever they desired, without any care but today they have themselves become food of the animals. The rhymes, which were totally admonitions and advices, hammered the brain of Mutawakkil, and made him so ecstasies that he was awakened from the deep slumber and threw his cup of wine upon the earth and his eyes shed tears like it was raining.

Imam's (A.S.) Martyrdom

After the tyrant caliph Mutawakkl's death Imam (A.S.) was still in agony, pain and discomfort till the time he was martyred by "Mutaz" at the age of 42 and was buried in the land of Samarrah.

The Pupils of Imam (A.S.)

Although Imam (A.S.) was strictly under observation and he was being put under vigilance from all aspects but a group of his lovers, enthusiastic and amorous lovers of the spring of his knowledge contacted him confidentially and secretly and used to quench their thirst from that spring up to their utmost means. Some of his friends were:

1. Abdul Azim Hasani: He was one of the great and wise men of his age and was much renowned for his piety. Imam Hadi (A.S.) would usually say to his friends "whenever a difficulty crops up for you ask Abdul Azim and convey my Salam and Salutation to him." Once, he put forward his beliefs before Imam (A.S.). Imam (A.S.) said, "By Cod, these are the same beliefs which God has liked (approved) for His slaves."

This son of Imam (A.S.) was pursued and followed up very strictly and severely and concealed himself in the city of Rai and sometimes he came to visit the grave of Hamza, which is situated near his own. After sometime he fell ill and passed away and was buried at the same place.

2. Hasan Ibn-e-Saeed Ahwazi: Who was one of the friends of Imam Reza (A.S.), Imam Jawad (A.S.) and Imam Hadi (A.S.) and narrated traditions from all of them, lived in the beginning in Kufa then he left along with his brothers for Ahwaz and from there he shifted to Qum. He died over there. He authored about 30 books regarding Jurisprudence and the Islamic ethics and morality. The wise men accept the tradition narrated by him. Allamah Majlisi and Allamah Hilli had mentioned him with great respect and held him in high esteem.

3. Fazl bin Shazan Nishapuri: He was an informed, knowledgeable and strong jurisprudent and orator. He always had confabulation with the friends of Imam (A.S.) and benefited from them. He himself is considered one of the companions of Imam Hadi (A.S.). He wrote a large number of books, which attracted the attention of the wise men. Some of them say he wrote as many as a hundred and eighty books.

Following the demise of Imam Hadi (A.S.), he became a part of the companions of Imam Hassan Askari (A.S.). One day, when he visited Imam's (A.S.) assembly, he praised and recommended him to the people of Khorrasan so that they may get benefited from his books. Since he was pursued on account of his being a Shia, he traveled to Behaq and after a period he became ill and died in the age of Imam Askari (A.S.). Brief Sayings of Imam (A.S.)

1. The one who spends his life in refuge of God, world's discomforts will become easy for him.

2. The one who carelessly commits sin and throws away the curtain of modesty, God will make him ignanimous, desperate and wretched.

3. The one who does not counsel with others in his matters will be harmed.

4. World is a bazaar in which one group makes benefit and the other faces loss.

5. Cutting jokes and mockery is the activity and enjoyment and amusement of foolish ones.

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[soovaryit]

I have to put my hands up and say that in general I am terrible at self-care. I'm definitely getting better, but when you've been in a negative mind-set for a long time, it is very difficult to recognize your own needs and when you're being self-destructive. The way you take care of yourself is going to be completely individual to you but I wanted to share some of my struggles and triumphs that probably a lot of people can relate to.  

At the point in my life where my nutrition came solely from supernoodles and wine, I would have rolled my eyes at the concept of self-care and dismissed as self-indulgent bullshit. For a long time I would read self-care posts and the positivity and simplicity of them would make me angry. I find a lot of them so reductive (i.e. the ‘just love yourself!’ ones) and some verging on abelist, with strict exercise routines and diets being at the forefront of you supposedly making yourself feel better. I am 100% not discounting exercise as a way to make you feel better – it does. But there are lots of different ways to love and take care of yourself and for me, I knew it wouldn’t be as simple as clicking my fingers and changing my attitude or getting on a treadmill.

 So anyway, the past few months I have been thinking about the importance of keeping yourself happy or at least stable by thinking about what you need from yourself and others. I could do a hundred posts on this and probably will. Firstly I’ll start with something I’ve always been guilty of doing – numbing. I’m gonna mention Brene Brown here (because I can’t go a day without talking about her). One of her great quotes from her talk on shame is ‘If you numb the negative, you numb the positive too’. And she is bang on about that. 

Everybody does something to numb reality, whether it's drinking, drugs, obsessing over exercise, excessive shopping... there are literally so many things that we do to push negative feelings to the back of our minds. I wish I was one of the people who would exercise to do that but nope. Mine has pretty much always been alcohol. And don’t get me wrong, I love alcohol, and in moderation it can be totally fine and it didn’t used to affect me in that much of a negative way, but it does now and that was something I needed to address. I used to question why I was miserable and never really looked at my own behaviour. I thought I drank to feel better like everyone else and what was wrong with that? When you're on a variety of pain meds and hormonal treatment there is so much wrong with that. Everybody knows alcohol is a depressant. So when you have underlying feelings of depression that you try and cover it up using a depressant, shit will hit the fan at some point. It’s hard to not have a crutch for when you feel like you need to escape reality, but sometimes working through the shit you’re ignoring will actually make you feel better (once you get through the hell of doing it). I still drink but I’m trying to do so in extreme moderation, and more importantly only when I actually want to and not just to socialise. When I feel like I just want get off my face drunk, I can now identify its usually because I’m stressed and/or miserable, and something I find super useful is to make a list of good, healthy things you can do when you feel really low. Even if they don't make you feel better at the time, they will contribute to making you healthier and happier in the long run and can be your go-to’s instead of something you know will be damaging. Some days I roll my eyes at my own list and decide I can't be that person today but generally it gets me through. I’m not gonna put the whole list here but it’s pretty simple things i.e. replacing bingeing on sweets to bingeing on fruit (sometimes this actually works and its pretty much a miracle on my part). Also, simply preparing to feel terrible is part of my self-care routine (that sounds more bleak than its supposed to). For example, I started my period yesterday and it's the worst pain I've had in a loooong time. The feeling that I could pass out at any minute is back (literally get black spots in my eyes and spin out if I move too quickly), my legs are almost too heavy to move and it feels like there are hot, sharp knives stabbing my abdomen. It was vaguely manageable with nefopam and a coffee (do not recommend but I didn’t sleep well) in my system but after a hazardous food shop that involved me leaning against a wall for a number of minutes trying not to black out, 2 hours later I am back in bed, hot water bottle in hand, gritting my teeth. 

 The difference today is that I feel prepared for this mentally. This is the first month that I have ever felt that way, EVER. I used my amazing period app to track my cycle so I knew when this was coming. I made sure I had lots of healthy food in the house, not many plans for a few days and had enough painkillers. I also try and get washing and cleaning done and make sure I have enough money to get cabs if I need to. It sounds trivial but these simple, seemingly unimportant things can really help when you feel horrific and the smallest task seems unachievable.

In general, paying more attention to your own behaviour and thoughts will tell you a lot about the ways you can make yourself happier. I liked to ignore mine because it was easier. Drinking heavily didn't make me happy, getting involved in pointless situationships (big fan of that word) didn't and working 3 jobs at once definitely didn't, but rather than take a step back and think about it, I carried on until I burned out and would look for external sources of blame. I felt like it was easier that way and to be honest it was, but ultimately, it left me in a state.

In terms of relationships, both platonic and otherwise, I was guilty of putting others needs before mine as well as worrying about the impressions I was giving off, rather than how I actually felt in myself. You can't give anything to anyone when you're running on empty and will often end up making both your situations worse and more negative, so concentrating on your wellbeing first is super important.  When people had suggested I think about my own behaviours and needs in the past I would think literally HOW?! my mind is like a never ending vortex of negative thought patterns that I can’t control. That’s where therapy is your beeest friend. It can be so so difficult to access therapy for many reasons and I appreciate that, but it’s usually worth the wait so try your best to stick with it or start the process if you haven’t. Anyone with a long term condition should absolutely have it because trust me it would have affected you in ways you didn’t think possible. Contact IAPT or Mind for more info on it.

Today I had my last counselling session with a wonderful lady that I have been seeing for the past few months. I equally dreaded and looked forward to each session and every week thought about how much easier it would be to stay at home. We would talk about difficult, upsetting and super personal problems in these sessions but nothing made me emotional until the last one, where she told me she had learnt a lot from me and could see the amount of strength I had from holding on to negative feelings for so long, and now seeing them as empowering.

It really took me by surprise that I didn't cry until she complimented me and said something positive, not only because I am a crier (anti-depressants kind of put a stop to that tho..), but because that to me revealed just how much of a negative opinion I have of myself. I found it easier to talk about difficult experiences and times when I had failed or felt worthless but couldn’t receive one compliment from someone who knew all the ‘bad’ things about me without struggling to believe it. That seems ridiculous and just convinces me further how important it is to keep yourself happy and acknowledge your achievements.

If I had read this a year ago I would have rolled my eyes and thought it was stupid, because I was stuck in a destructive rut that was easy to be in. I never in a million years thought challenging my own behaviour and working through situations that made me feel uncomfortable, rather than avoiding them, would make me feel positive and empowered. I don’t necessarily have any solid tips for self care, neither do I want to be preachy and pretend that I’ve figured it out and wake up everyday feeling myself (I don’t). But I have learned to wholeheartedly respect myself, just as much as I would anyone else. I’m comfortable in being alone and value my body and my mind where before I absolutely hated them. I don’t exercise a tonne and I watch too much TV but ultimately, I like myself, and recognise that all I can do is improve at a pace that feels right and accept the bad days.

‘Loving yourself’ is difficult. It takes time, work, strength and allowing yourself to be vulnerable. But you can start with paying attention your own behaviour and needs, as well as the behaviour of those closest to you (sometimes self-care involves cutting toxic people out so bear that in mind). Do what you need to do to feel at peace with yourself, and never let anyone put you down or make you feel weak for doing that, because it is crazy hard. Next post I’m gonna write a list of the super simple things I did to start feeling better but right now I have to eat a lot of chocolate and roll around in agony.

[prorevenge]

Destroy my childhood, ruin my chance at college, and laugh when I said I was homeless? Lol cool, I'll ruin your f*cking life.

warning: this is a VERY long story with few updates and TL:DR at the end.

BACKSTORY: My mother was a really shitty person. I have 4 other siblings. One older sister, 3 way younger, 3 different dads. Before I was born (im a male btw), my oldest sister was taken away from my mother when she was a few months old because she tried to stab/slice the father of my sister WHILE HE WAS HOLDING HER. She lost custody and the dude left her. Older sister goes to live with her fathers family in a different city. CUE LIL OL ME COMING INTO THIS SEXY WORLD. My dad went to jail 2-3 years after I was born for a while, I rarely saw him. He's an alcoholic if that matters. She was a single mother but she made it work and she worked hard. One of the bigger problems was that she took out all her aggression and hatred of my father on me as well as work stress and etc. She dealt with sexual abuse growing up which I'm sure definitely affected her relationships and how she treated me as well. Anyways...

Cue me being abused from the age of 4-5 to about 17. Every day was hell. She was extremely strict and her perspective was warped. She was also pretty big in stature and had alot of strength. Examples of her being shitty: I've gotten beaten up badly once because HER room was dirty. The dishes weren't washed and I got beaten soon as I got home, even if there weren't dishes when I left to school. If i walked too loud, id get my ass beat. She broke my nose for looking at her the wrong way on my 10th birthday when she brought me a cake I was allergic too(It had peanuts, she knows im slightly allergic but feigned ignorance..) It was more or less every day or every other day. She used her fists/elbows/extension cords/hangers/chairs/canes/bats/etc. Whatever she could find I was getting beaten with. I couldn't ever escape to my room for long because she would always call me every few minutes to get her things or to yell at me. She never drank or did drugs or anything. Whenever she was upset and I happened to be in front of her she'd kick me down the stairs to make me hurry up. She's put a knife to my neck before and had to be forcibly stopped by her bf of the time. Burned my Christmas presents from other people (she didnt get me anything that year) and just other really shitty things. The only thing I will say, she tried really hard to make up for it with video games and electronics and etc. It didn't make a difference to me though, it never helped.

She controlled most aspects of my life. I got by with little petty revenges. Peeing in the Lipton iced tea she drank. Rubbing her forks and spoons between ny buttcheeks before i served her dinner. Ignoring her screams for help when she had kidney stones (how tf am i supposed to help anyways??) But by the time i got to highschool I turned to alcohol. I resented her and the negative atmosphere affected who I was as a person. I started to be cold and uncaring. Calculated. She started kicking me out every few months telling me to find somewhere else to live by age 15. She sent me away to a different country for a year and tried to keep my passport but I made it back to the US with the help of the embassy and my step father (she'd already left by that time and found some other dude). I came back senior year with no credits for the prior grade which ended with me getting a GED. I spent most of the time i could with my best friend and started working shitty jobs. I was terrible at saving as i had accumulated loads of shitty habits while growing up so it didnt make much difference. She eventually told me that If i went to college, I would ALWAYS have a place to live until I finished. Cue my first 2 semesters at a 2 year college, I maintained a 3.7ish gpa. My teachers loved me and it was my escape. Towards the end of my 2nd semester during finals, i came home late one night around 10pm and my mother yanks the door open screaming in my face asking when I'll move out. I'm slightly drunk and decide to completely ignore her and walk to my room. If I opened my mouth, that day would be the day I blew up and cursed her out. I've rarely ever raised my voice at her because it never ended well. Now at this point im 19 and I've been doing school full time with no savings. Im also fairly fit and could easily take my mom at this point (Never laid a hand on her or any woman, i hate violence). I get to my room, she rips my door open, and starts yelling. I say nothing and stare at her. She walks away and called the police on me saying she thought id murder her and my younger siblings. I don't know where the fuck she got that idea from as she's the one who's nearly killed me many times.

I packed everything into a duffle bag and left 5 minutes afterwards. I failed all of my finals because I couldn't make it to my school. Things kinda spiraled and the next 2-3 years were me on and off homeless. I survived the best I could in a big city with no college degree and made a lot of shitty choices due to my shitty habits. Eventually i found a profitable hobby that gave me meaning and through that i started to work my way up. Got my own apartment, had a full time job, and did my hobby on the side. I hadn't kept up contact with my mother at all but my younger sister who was old enough to have a phone found me on social media so i saw photos and such, she didn't have it anywhere near as bad but she did get beaten occasionally. My mother reached out via email all smiles asking how I've been. Now guys, ive always been envious of the relationship most ppl have with their moms so I gave her a chance and gave her a call. We talked for a few minutes and everything was civil and seemed like things would go okay but then...

She asked me what I've been up to the last few years and I told her honestly, that I was homeless for a while and struggled a lot after what she did to me but I worked my way out of it. SHE LITERALLY LAUGHS. She laughed for a few seconds in a very condescending kinda chuckle and then said "I never did a thing to you so you don't know what abuse is! its your own damn fault you were homeless. So how about yo-" but by that point I hung up. I was speechless and fuming. I don't know what abuse is? OKAY BITCH. IVE SPENT TOO FUCKING LONG LETTING YOU DESTROY MY SANITY. NOW IS THE TIME.

There was a few things my mother didn't know. One, I knew for a fact that current well paying job she had was gotten on lies as she never got her college degree and lied about it on her resume. Two, I had access to all of her email accounts and cloud storage accounts since I was the one that set them up when I was younger and she never changes her passwords. Lastly, she DEFINITELY wasn't aware that from 13yrs old and onto the last time she hit me I took photos of ALL my bruises/marks/wounds/bloody noses saving them to my computer and then google drive. ON TOP OF THAT, my little sister had been sending me photos via social media of the bruises she got from my mom.

The first thing I did was compile ALL of those photos/videos into one folder. I then reached out to CPS in my city and explained that my siblings were being abused, how I was abused in the past, and that I had mountains of proof. Since ive called the cops on my mother before AND the thing that happened with my older sister, there was immediately a home visit. They arrived almost a day later with the police and coincidentally my mother was literally in the process of beating my younger sister when they were knocking. Cue an Emergency removal of all my siblings from the house and my mother getting arrested though she was released hours later. (I was getting a day to day play by play because my mothers best friend is a blabber mouth and everything my mother said she told her son who relayed it to me without either of their knowledge.) I sent CPS all the evidence and there's a legit case against my mother now. The next day I emailed and then called up her job to inform them that she had lied about having a very necessary college degree as well current events in her life which sparked a background check. She was fired days later. Say adios to 75k and a blacklist in the only industry you know how to work. I then spitefully deleted every cloud account and email address I ever made for her, which was all of them which im sure will make keeping up with alot bills and etc nearly impossible. I then anonymously reported her to the IRS because of the tax fraud she committed for years by claiming people's children that weren't hers with ALOT of detailed information since I lived with her while she did it.

So now, my mother lost all her kids and her job. Im meeting with a caseworker from CPS next week to talk more about what happens moving forward but I do know they're NOT going back. Idk how she's gonna pay her mortgage now and survive. I'm sure she's gonna get a call from the IRS who'll be looking for a few thousand dollars she owes them. She also has to go back to court in a few months, not exactly sure what she was charged with but ill update when I find out how everything turns out.

Side Note: She isn't aware im the cause of any of this. I plan on keeping tabs on her and waiting until it seems like she's close to death before I tell her it was all me and I peed in her Lipton.

Updates:

1) I am psychologically not in the position to take care of my younger siblings or take on a parental role. I came very close to suicide 2 years ago and im just trying to work on my alcohol problem and other habits that keep me in a cycle of instability. No I haven't been to any programs or therapy, I don't think it will help me in regards to my nearly constant apathy and etc.

2) My 2 youngest siblings weren't really bothered much. It was mostly my little sister after I left who got beatings but luckily it wasn't anything near the level I had to deal with.

3) Im also incapable of taking custody because I don't have an apartment anymore due to bad decisions I made while drinking recently. So I'm back to homeless but I crash with a friend once in a awhile. I am very well aware I am an influence on my younger siblings and I'm trying to stay consistent with doing everything I can to be a better and more stable person for them so that maybe I can finally build a real relationship with someone in my family. I'm sorry to disappoint everyone who keeps wishing me more success.

4) Aside from my little siblings, I have zero contact with anyone else in my family. And even then, its been very rare because I had to avoid my mother to see them and didn't want her knowing i kept in contact (Meeting my little sister after school, facetime, etc). The rest of my family were well aware of what she did and distanced themselves. I don't plan on reaching out to them as im not good at maintaining relationships with mostly anyone anyways.

TL;DR - My mother abuses me badly for most of my life as well as my younger siblings. I have to drop out of college and support myself after she drove me to homelessness. She proceeds to laugh at me about me being homeless and denys abuse. So I ruined her life by getting my younger siblings removed and her arrested, making her lose her job, reported her to the IRS, and essentially set her up so that the remainder of her life is full of disaster and hardships.

(source) (story by howbout_that_lipton)

[isiyasy]

Birth Imam Ali un-Naqi (A.S.) known as Hazrat Hadi was born in the mid of ZilHajj, 212 Hijrah in the vicinity of Madina, at a place known as Surya. His father is Imam Jawad (A.S.) his mother Samana was a maid with excellence, virtue and piety. Imam (A.S.) got the post of Imamate after the martyrdom of his father in the year 220 Hijrah. Although he was not more than 8 years of age, yet he was the focus of the attention of Shias and the Abbasade caliphs were extremely scared and afraid of him. They set their hand to his exile and torture. Such as "Mutawakkil" brought Imam (A.S.) from Madina to Samarra and he stayed then till the end of his life. The Special Moral Features of Imam (A.S.) Imam (A.S.) was unique in asceticism, devotion and prayers. So that, when the agents and officials of Mutawakkil attacked his house, they saw him busy praying in a simple room. He had a great attachment and affiliation with the holy Quran. Whenever he was free from the works of the people he would recite Quran. He conducted people with smiling and bloomed face and when he walked he took slow steps. He attended and helped the afflicted ones. Sometimes, he would grant up to thirty thousand dinnars to the have nots, needy and problem stricken people. So that when "Mutawakkil" sent thirty thousand dinnars for him he gave all of it to a needy and poor Arab. The mother of "Mutawakkil" had become enamored and fascinated by the devotion and asceticism and faith of Imam Hadi (A.S.). On the day when Mutawakkil fell ill, his foot was injured and the physicians got unable and helpless regarding his treatment. His mother sent "Fatah bin Khaqan" to Imam's (A.S.) house to request him for a medicine. Imam (A.S.) recommended a medicine to him by which Mutawakkil was treated and cured and all the physicians were astonished at it. His mother send a thousand dinars as a gratitude in connection with his being cure. He distributed all of that money among the afflicted ones. Imam's (A.S.) Attends the Distressed Once "Younas Naqqash" came terrified and trembling to see Imam (A.S.) and said, "Oh the son of the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) I am at the verge and threshold of death, you help my family." Imam (A.S.) asked him as to what was the matter. He said so, "one of the courtiers of Abbasade caliphate has given me a gem to engrave a design upon it. During the work, the gem broke into two pieces. Tomorrow, he will send someone to collect the gem. If he comes to know about the matter he will kill me." Imam (A.S.) bent his head downward then he raised it saying, "I prayed for you, be satisfied no harm will reach you from him, instead, this work will end to your benefit. Get up and go you will face no trouble tomorrow." The next day Younas moved towards the house of that man with trembling legs along with one of the officials deputed. Not very long afterwards, the owner of the house arrived and said, "Oh younas it was settled that you engrave a design over that gem but two of my daughters have a conflict upon this gem." If it is possible, break the gem into two pieces, and engrave the design on each of the two parts of it. I will give you a reward too, for that, Younas said, "Permit me to think about this matter." He came out of that place and returned happily to Imam (A.S.) and expressed his gratitude and thankfulness over the kindness he had shown to him. The Hardest Period The continuation of combat and opposition of Imams (A.S.) to the tyrants and the brutal rulers is one of the pride and passions of the history of Islam and Shiite school. They, by their un-comprising attitude toward tyranny and siding with the poor and desperate flared up the anger of the tyrants and cruel to the extent that they deprived them off their sleep and comfort. Although Imam's (A.S.) period of life was coincident with seven of the Abbasade Caliphs, yet the hardest and toughest period of his life as that of the caliphate of "Mutawakkil" because he was a fame fan, wicked and faithless person. If he posed to be religious that was only in view of promoting his political causes. In the year 226 Hijrah, Mutawakkil ordered that the grave of Imam Hussain (A.S.) be washed away by diverting (river) water and the place be ploughed for agriculture so that people may be deprived of the visiting the martyrs of Karbala. Mutawakkil knew pretty well that each of these graves was a strong fortress against him, which continuously attracts the self-sacrificing and devoted soldiers, and heart burnt lovers from all over the world towards itself. So far so, that Mohammad Ibn-e-Idrees, one of the scholars sided by Mutawakkil. He instigated people to ask the solution to their (religious) problems from Mutawakkil so that they may gradually take distance from the family of Ali (A.S.). Following the terrible crime of martyring the Imam (A.S.) Mutawakkil never had peace of mind and remained continuously sad and gloomy till the Turks killed him. Imam (A.S.) and Unseen Aids One day one of the flatterer and glib tongued person said to 'Mutawakkil', "Why do you command your court offices to honor Imam, and when he arrives they must raise the curtains and open the doors for him. This itself is against your conduct. Let Imam (A.S.) come and go like the rest of the people so that he looses his worth in the eyes of people." Mutawakkil agreed to his demand and ordered his officials not to hold the curtains and open the doors while Imam (A.S.) comes or leaves. One day, one of his servants came rushing to him and said: "Imam (A.S.) is coming and to whichever part of the court he arrives, the doors open and curtains are drawn automatically. This thing attracted the attention of all and if this continues on the superiority and supremacy of Imam (A.S.) will become clear and evident to all, thus your government will be endangered. Mutawakkil at once ordered that the officials must adopt the previous conduct with Imam (A.S.) and honor him more than ever. Martyrdom Due to Truthfulness One day Mutawakkil asked Ibn-e-Sikkit the tutor of his sons, "Do you love my sons more than you love the sons of the Prophet (P.B.U.H.)." He at once answered with valor and bravely, "I love Qambar the slave of Ali (A.S.) more than I love your sons." Mutawakkil was enraged and furious like an injured wolf and ordered that the tongue of this man be extracted and pulled out of the back of his head (neck) and so that great man died at the age of 58 years. Mutawakkil Pressurizes the Family of Ali (A.S.) Mutawakkil got famous and well known for his extravagant and lavish expenditure and misusing people's wealth so that he spent one million and seven hundred golden dinars for building a strong fortress which is present to this date in Samarra. With all these extravagances and plundering people's wealth he was so very strict in his behavior with the sons of the Prophet (P.B.U.H.). So that the daughters of the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) led their lives by yarn spinning in Madina and did not even have a pair of new dress to wear. Mutawakkil had a bad and ill conduct with the sons of the Prophet (P.B.U.H.). He got friendly with the enemies of Ali (A.S.) and gave them money to make fun of Ali (A.S.) and his family such as he was always accompanied by a stooge who cut jokes and made fun of Ali (A.S.) and made him laugh. He would laugh loudly and lunatic ally. The rigid, tough and harmful attitude of Mutawakkil regarding sons of Ali (A.S.) went to the extent that he wrote to the governor of Madina, "whosoever wishes to help the family of Ali (A.S.) or visits them, punish him severely." Mutawakkil banished the Imam (A.S.) through one of his officials from Madina to Samarra in the year 243 Hijrah. He accommodated him along with his son Imam Hassan Askari (A.S.) in a military camp near his palace. And kept him under observation till the end of (Imam) life. This is the very reason why Imam (A.S.) got known by the title of Askari, became Askar means army or military. Imam's (A.S.) Knowledge Status Since the knowledge of Imam Hadi (A.S.) originated from the Prophetic school thus the light of knowledge shone over his heart and made him aware of the secret of creation. 1. One day, the emperor of Rome wrote to one of the caliphs of Bani Abbas, "We have read in Bible that there is one Surah (Chapter) of the heavenly Surahs, which if read by anyone and practiced upon it's content God will not send that person to the Hell. You write me as to which one is that Surah? Because we did not find it in Bible." The Abbasade Caliph gathered all the wise men and asked them the question and all of them failed to answer it. The Caliph summoned Imam Hadi (A.S.) and put to him that question Imam (A.S.) opened his lips for the reply and said, "That surah is Surah "Hamd" which every Muslim recites a number of times in his prayers at day and night time." Then Imam (A.S.) gave some explanations about it, which surprised and astonished all the wise men. The answer of Imam (A.S.) was sent to the emperor of Rome who, having read it, was much pleased and embraced Islam. 2. "Yahya bin Aqsam" who was one of the wise men of Mamoon's age and the caliphs afterwards asked Imam (A.S.) many questions through a letter which were replied by him. The questions of Yahya and the response given by Imam (A.S.) are as under:  Question No.1. When "Sulayman (A.S.)" demanded the throne of queen "Bilqees" of "Sheba" his minister "Asif Barkhia" said, "I can bring the throne for you in the time of winking of an eye" why did Sulayman (Solomon) (A.S.) himself not do that? Did he himself not have the knowledge? Answer: Whatever Asif did was through Sulayman (A.S.) and he had received his wisdom and knowledge from him since, Sulayman was a Prophet he had the capacity and power to perform all these works. But because of it, that he wanted to introduce his successor to the people and make them aware of his station he assigned him this work. Question No.2. On the basis of Quranic version when Yaqoob (Jacob) (A.S.) went to Kanaan along with his sons to see Yousuf (A.S.) all fell down into prostration before Yousuf (Joseph) (A.S.). Why did a Prophet like Yaqoob (A.S.) performed prostration for Yousuf (A.S.). Whereas, prostration is specified only for God? Answer: This prostration was not for Vousuf (A.S.) but as a thanks giving to God, just like the prostration of the angels for Adam (A.S.) even though, they did not perform it for Adam (A.S.), but prostration to God as a gratitude and thankfulness, regarding this creation, to Him. Question No.3. Based upon the Quran's narration, if the edibles and beverages of Paradise are for the sake of pleasure then, why was Adam (A.S.) forbidden to eat the grapes and was expelled from Paradise? Answer. As God wanted to try and test Adam (A.S.), He commanded him not to obey his wife Hawwa (Eve) (A.S.) and not to eat from that tree. But he opposed it and as a result he was ousted from the haven. Question No.4. Why did Ali (A.S.) order his men in the battle of Jamal (Camel) to chase and bring into effect the pursuit of only "the warriors" and not to kill those who ran away, or were not armed, or injured? But in the Siffeen battle he ordered to kill them all, whether armed or unarmed, injured or uninjured, whomsoever they found and laid hands upon. Why was this difference in the order? Answer: Since, the battle of Jamal was a battle of Islam verses Islam and a battle between a deceived Muslim against another Muslim but the battle of Siffeen was a battle of infidels against Islam.  It was a combat between Muslim appearing infidels and the real Islam. The next day Yahyah bin Aksam asked all the wise men present in the assembly of Haroon: When Adam (A.S.) went to perform Hajj and visit the house of God, who shaved his head off? All of them were unable to give an answer to him. Then they put question to Imam Hadi (A.S.). He said, "Gabriel the angel of God." Yahyah took pleasure and enjoyed the answers of Imam (A.S.) and admitted to the knowledge station of Imam (A.S.) in the presence of all. The Imam's (A.S.) News about the unseen People observed from lmam Hadi (A.S.) due to his connection with God and the unseen world, works which were considered to be the specimen of God's might and power. One of the friends of Imam (A.S.) traveled from Iraq to Madina and had the honor to visit Imam (A.S.). Imam (A.S.) enquired from him the condition of Al-Wasiq the Abbasade caliph and he replied, "when I left Iraq he was fit and fine, and Mutawakkil was in prison and Ibn-e-Zayyat had become famous and well known among the people. Imam (A.S.) after a moment's silence said, "That which is God's will, shall take place, and there is no way to stop his orders and commands. Oh my friend be aware that Wasiq has passed away and Mutawakkil has succeeded him and Ibn-e-Ziyyat has been slain upon the behest of Mutawakkil." I asked, "When was it?" He said, "Six days after you moved out of Baghdad." Imam's (A.S.) Judgment In the age of Mutawakkil regime a lady claimed that she was Zainub the daughter of Fatima. He said, "Many long years have passed since that period when Zainub lived and you are quite young." She replied, "Yes, but the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) drew his hand upon my head and prayed for me to remain young for ever. As such, after every forty years I turn back to become young." Mutawakkil called upon all the wise men to visit him and enquired from them, "What do you say about the claim of this women" All of them said, "she tells a lie."  Mutawakkil said, "I know that she is lying, but what proof and logic do you have to condemn her." They said, "We do not know, Imam Hadi (A.S.) should solve this problem." Mutawakkil at once summoned Imam (A.S.) and told him about that matter. Imam (A.S.) said, "send her to the cage of the lions, if she is telling the truth, because the beasts do not molest the children of Fatimah (S.A.) and do not eat their flesh. Mutawakkil said to the woman, "what do you say?" She said, "This man wishes that I may be killed. If he is right then let him do it himself." Mutawakkil said, "she is right, you must do it first yourself." Imam (A.S.) replied, "There is no hurdle to it" He went to the lions in the cage and sat among them. All observed with amazement, that the lions sat very respectfully before the Imam (A.S.) and sometimes caressed themselves against his body and he caressed their bodies with his hand, affectionately. When Imam (A.S.) ordered that they might move to a corner, all of them crept to a nook. Then Imam (A.S.) came out of the cage and went to Mutawakkil and said, "Oh woman now it is your turn." The woman started crying and begging saying, "I told a lie, I am the daughter of such and such man, and wanted to play a trick and a hoax but it did not work." Imam (A.S.) in Mutawakkil's Assembly Mutawakkil, who was a self conceited and egoist Abbasade caliph, was much annoyed about the attention of the people focused upon Hadi (A.S.) and was all the time immersed in the thought of annihilating Imam (A.S.). One day, he was informed that Imam (A.S.) wanted to bring about a revolt and has gathered money and weapons, for this purpose, in his house. Mutawakkil ordered the officials to attack and break into the house of Imam (A.S.) at midnight and search it and whatever money and weapons are discovered be brought to him along with the Imam (A.S.). Mutawakkil had arranged a merry making party in his palace for his own relaxation and amusement and the musician played music and the singers sang sons for him. He was counting moments and waiting anxiously for Imam to be showed in. The agents and officials climbed the roof from the backside of the Imam's (A.S.) house and break into it. They found Imam (A.S.) busy in offering his prayers in a room.  Howsoever, they searched the rooms but could not find anything except a certain amount of money and one sword. They picked these up and presented to Mutawakkil along with the Imam (A.S.). When Imam (A.S.) arrived Mutawakkil seated him beside himself and presented the dirty drink (wine) to him and asked him to take it. Imam (A.S.) said, "By Lord, I shall never at all touch my lips with it." Mutawakkil who was intoxicated and did not have attention towards anything turned his face to Imam (A.S.) and said, "Thus you must recite some poem (rhymes) for me." Hazrat Imam (A.S.) said, "I do not know any of them except for a number of them, which are left over as a monument of my grandfather Ali (A.S.)." Mutawakkil said, "Recite that" Imam (A.S.) recited the rhymes, of his forefather Ali (A.S.), which were striking and awareness creating. A tempest took shape in his interior. So that he came to his senses, out of intoxication. He wept and ordered that Imam (A.S.) may be sent back to his house respectfully. The money, which was brought from his house, may be returned with sane addition to it. The Translation of the rhymes is as under: 1. They made the high peaks, their residence, and permanently and always, stationed armed guards to watch that. But none of them could stop the death from approaching them. 2. Finally and consequently, they were dragged from their grand palaces into the ditches of graves and with how unfortunately they arrived it. 3. At this time, the voice of the caller of God raised which said, "Where did those decorations, crowns, magnanimity and ostentation and grandeur go?" Where did those faces brought up in coquetry and endearment and which were nurtured upon the wealth of others, and showed their pride and mincing air to them, go. 4. The grave made them anonymous and their faces turned into the fields of attacks of the insects and worms. 5. One day they ate and drank whatever they desired, without any care but today they have themselves become food of the animals. The rhymes, which were totally admonitions and advices, hammered the brain of Mutawakkil, and made him so ecstasies that he was awakened from the deep slumber and threw his cup of wine upon the earth and his eyes shed tears like it was raining. Imam's (A.S.) Martyrdom After the tyrant caliph Mutawakkl's death Imam (A.S.) was still in agony, pain and discomfort till the time he was martyred by "Mutaz" at the age of 42 and was buried in the land of Samarrah. The Pupils of Imam (A.S.) Although Imam (A.S.) was strictly under observation and he was being put under vigilance from all aspects but a group of his lovers, enthusiastic and amorous lovers of the spring of his knowledge contacted him confidentially and secretly and used to quench their thirst from that spring up to their utmost means. Some of his friends were: 1. Abdul Azim Hasani: He was one of the great and wise men of his age and was much renowned for his piety. Imam Hadi (A.S.) would usually say to his friends "whenever a difficulty crops up for you ask Abdul Azim and convey my Salam and Salutation to him." Once, he put forward his beliefs before Imam (A.S.). Imam (A.S.) said, "By Cod, these are the same beliefs which God has liked (approved) for His slaves." This son of Imam (A.S.) was pursued and followed up very strictly and severely and concealed himself in the city of Rai and sometimes he came to visit the grave of Hamza, which is situated near his own. After sometime he fell ill and passed away and was buried at the same place. 2. Hasan Ibn-e-Saeed Ahwazi: Who was one of the friends of Imam Reza (A.S.), Imam Jawad (A.S.) and Imam Hadi (A.S.) and narrated traditions from all of them, lived in the beginning in Kufa then he left along with his brothers for Ahwaz and from there he shifted to Qum. He died over there. He authored about 30 books regarding Jurisprudence and the Islamic ethics and morality. The wise men accept the tradition narrated by him. Allamah Majlisi and Allamah Hilli had mentioned him with great respect and held him in high esteem. 3. Fazl bin Shazan Nishapuri: He was an informed, knowledgeable and strong jurisprudent and orator. He always had confabulation with the friends of Imam (A.S.) and benefited from them. He himself is considered one of the companions of Imam Hadi (A.S.). He wrote a large number of books, which attracted the attention of the wise men. Some of them say he wrote as many as a hundred and eighty books. Following the demise of Imam Hadi (A.S.), he became a part of the companions of Imam Hassan Askari (A.S.). One day, when he visited Imam's (A.S.) assembly, he praised and recommended him to the people of Khorrasan so that they may get benefited from his books. Since he was pursued on account of his being a Shia, he traveled to Behaq and after a period he became ill and died in the age of Imam Askari (A.S.). Brief Sayings of Imam (A.S.) 1. The one who spends his life in refuge of God, world's discomforts will become easy for him. 2. The one who carelessly commits sin and throws away the curtain of modesty, God will make him ignanimous, desperate and wretched. 3. The one who does not counsel with others in his matters will be harmed. 4. World is a bazaar in which one group makes benefit and the other faces loss. 5. Cutting jokes and mockery is the activity and enjoyment and amusement of foolish ones.

http://isiyasy.blogspot.com/2019/08/wiladat-anniversary-of-10th-imam-ali.html

[isiyasy]

Birth Imam Ali un-Naqi (A.S.) known as Hazrat Hadi was born in the mid of ZilHajj, 212 Hijrah in the vicinity of Madina, at a place known as Surya. His father is Imam Jawad (A.S.) his mother Samana was a maid with excellence, virtue and piety. Imam (A.S.) got the post of Imamate after the martyrdom of his father in the year 220 Hijrah. Although he was not more than 8 years of age, yet he was the focus of the attention of Shias and the Abbasade caliphs were extremely scared and afraid of him. They set their hand to his exile and torture. Such as "Mutawakkil" brought Imam (A.S.) from Madina to Samarra and he stayed then till the end of his life. The Special Moral Features of Imam (A.S.) Imam (A.S.) was unique in asceticism, devotion and prayers. So that, when the agents and officials of Mutawakkil attacked his house, they saw him busy praying in a simple room. He had a great attachment and affiliation with the holy Quran. Whenever he was free from the works of the people he would recite Quran. He conducted people with smiling and bloomed face and when he walked he took slow steps. He attended and helped the afflicted ones. Sometimes, he would grant up to thirty thousand dinnars to the have nots, needy and problem stricken people. So that when "Mutawakkil" sent thirty thousand dinnars for him he gave all of it to a needy and poor Arab. The mother of "Mutawakkil" had become enamored and fascinated by the devotion and asceticism and faith of Imam Hadi (A.S.). On the day when Mutawakkil fell ill, his foot was injured and the physicians got unable and helpless regarding his treatment. His mother sent "Fatah bin Khaqan" to Imam's (A.S.) house to request him for a medicine. Imam (A.S.) recommended a medicine to him by which Mutawakkil was treated and cured and all the physicians were astonished at it. His mother send a thousand dinars as a gratitude in connection with his being cure. He distributed all of that money among the afflicted ones. Imam's (A.S.) Attends the Distressed Once "Younas Naqqash" came terrified and trembling to see Imam (A.S.) and said, "Oh the son of the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) I am at the verge and threshold of death, you help my family." Imam (A.S.) asked him as to what was the matter. He said so, "one of the courtiers of Abbasade caliphate has given me a gem to engrave a design upon it. During the work, the gem broke into two pieces. Tomorrow, he will send someone to collect the gem. If he comes to know about the matter he will kill me." Imam (A.S.) bent his head downward then he raised it saying, "I prayed for you, be satisfied no harm will reach you from him, instead, this work will end to your benefit. Get up and go you will face no trouble tomorrow." The next day Younas moved towards the house of that man with trembling legs along with one of the officials deputed. Not very long afterwards, the owner of the house arrived and said, "Oh younas it was settled that you engrave a design over that gem but two of my daughters have a conflict upon this gem." If it is possible, break the gem into two pieces, and engrave the design on each of the two parts of it. I will give you a reward too, for that, Younas said, "Permit me to think about this matter." He came out of that place and returned happily to Imam (A.S.) and expressed his gratitude and thankfulness over the kindness he had shown to him. The Hardest Period The continuation of combat and opposition of Imams (A.S.) to the tyrants and the brutal rulers is one of the pride and passions of the history of Islam and Shiite school. They, by their un-comprising attitude toward tyranny and siding with the poor and desperate flared up the anger of the tyrants and cruel to the extent that they deprived them off their sleep and comfort. Although Imam's (A.S.) period of life was coincident with seven of the Abbasade Caliphs, yet the hardest and toughest period of his life as that of the caliphate of "Mutawakkil" because he was a fame fan, wicked and faithless person. If he posed to be religious that was only in view of promoting his political causes. In the year 226 Hijrah, Mutawakkil ordered that the grave of Imam Hussain (A.S.) be washed away by diverting (river) water and the place be ploughed for agriculture so that people may be deprived of the visiting the martyrs of Karbala. Mutawakkil knew pretty well that each of these graves was a strong fortress against him, which continuously attracts the self-sacrificing and devoted soldiers, and heart burnt lovers from all over the world towards itself. So far so, that Mohammad Ibn-e-Idrees, one of the scholars sided by Mutawakkil. He instigated people to ask the solution to their (religious) problems from Mutawakkil so that they may gradually take distance from the family of Ali (A.S.). Following the terrible crime of martyring the Imam (A.S.) Mutawakkil never had peace of mind and remained continuously sad and gloomy till the Turks killed him. Imam (A.S.) and Unseen Aids One day one of the flatterer and glib tongued person said to 'Mutawakkil', "Why do you command your court offices to honor Imam, and when he arrives they must raise the curtains and open the doors for him. This itself is against your conduct. Let Imam (A.S.) come and go like the rest of the people so that he looses his worth in the eyes of people." Mutawakkil agreed to his demand and ordered his officials not to hold the curtains and open the doors while Imam (A.S.) comes or leaves. One day, one of his servants came rushing to him and said: "Imam (A.S.) is coming and to whichever part of the court he arrives, the doors open and curtains are drawn automatically. This thing attracted the attention of all and if this continues on the superiority and supremacy of Imam (A.S.) will become clear and evident to all, thus your government will be endangered. Mutawakkil at once ordered that the officials must adopt the previous conduct with Imam (A.S.) and honor him more than ever. Martyrdom Due to Truthfulness One day Mutawakkil asked Ibn-e-Sikkit the tutor of his sons, "Do you love my sons more than you love the sons of the Prophet (P.B.U.H.)." He at once answered with valor and bravely, "I love Qambar the slave of Ali (A.S.) more than I love your sons." Mutawakkil was enraged and furious like an injured wolf and ordered that the tongue of this man be extracted and pulled out of the back of his head (neck) and so that great man died at the age of 58 years. Mutawakkil Pressurizes the Family of Ali (A.S.) Mutawakkil got famous and well known for his extravagant and lavish expenditure and misusing people's wealth so that he spent one million and seven hundred golden dinars for building a strong fortress which is present to this date in Samarra. With all these extravagances and plundering people's wealth he was so very strict in his behavior with the sons of the Prophet (P.B.U.H.). So that the daughters of the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) led their lives by yarn spinning in Madina and did not even have a pair of new dress to wear. Mutawakkil had a bad and ill conduct with the sons of the Prophet (P.B.U.H.). He got friendly with the enemies of Ali (A.S.) and gave them money to make fun of Ali (A.S.) and his family such as he was always accompanied by a stooge who cut jokes and made fun of Ali (A.S.) and made him laugh. He would laugh loudly and lunatic ally. The rigid, tough and harmful attitude of Mutawakkil regarding sons of Ali (A.S.) went to the extent that he wrote to the governor of Madina, "whosoever wishes to help the family of Ali (A.S.) or visits them, punish him severely." Mutawakkil banished the Imam (A.S.) through one of his officials from Madina to Samarra in the year 243 Hijrah. He accommodated him along with his son Imam Hassan Askari (A.S.) in a military camp near his palace. And kept him under observation till the end of (Imam) life. This is the very reason why Imam (A.S.) got known by the title of Askari, became Askar means army or military. Imam's (A.S.) Knowledge Status Since the knowledge of Imam Hadi (A.S.) originated from the Prophetic school thus the light of knowledge shone over his heart and made him aware of the secret of creation. 1. One day, the emperor of Rome wrote to one of the caliphs of Bani Abbas, "We have read in Bible that there is one Surah (Chapter) of the heavenly Surahs, which if read by anyone and practiced upon it's content God will not send that person to the Hell. You write me as to which one is that Surah? Because we did not find it in Bible." The Abbasade Caliph gathered all the wise men and asked them the question and all of them failed to answer it. The Caliph summoned Imam Hadi (A.S.) and put to him that question Imam (A.S.) opened his lips for the reply and said, "That surah is Surah "Hamd" which every Muslim recites a number of times in his prayers at day and night time." Then Imam (A.S.) gave some explanations about it, which surprised and astonished all the wise men. The answer of Imam (A.S.) was sent to the emperor of Rome who, having read it, was much pleased and embraced Islam. 2. "Yahya bin Aqsam" who was one of the wise men of Mamoon's age and the caliphs afterwards asked Imam (A.S.) many questions through a letter which were replied by him. The questions of Yahya and the response given by Imam (A.S.) are as under:  Question No.1. When "Sulayman (A.S.)" demanded the throne of queen "Bilqees" of "Sheba" his minister "Asif Barkhia" said, "I can bring the throne for you in the time of winking of an eye" why did Sulayman (Solomon) (A.S.) himself not do that? Did he himself not have the knowledge? Answer: Whatever Asif did was through Sulayman (A.S.) and he had received his wisdom and knowledge from him since, Sulayman was a Prophet he had the capacity and power to perform all these works. But because of it, that he wanted to introduce his successor to the people and make them aware of his station he assigned him this work. Question No.2. On the basis of Quranic version when Yaqoob (Jacob) (A.S.) went to Kanaan along with his sons to see Yousuf (A.S.) all fell down into prostration before Yousuf (Joseph) (A.S.). Why did a Prophet like Yaqoob (A.S.) performed prostration for Yousuf (A.S.). Whereas, prostration is specified only for God? Answer: This prostration was not for Vousuf (A.S.) but as a thanks giving to God, just like the prostration of the angels for Adam (A.S.) even though, they did not perform it for Adam (A.S.), but prostration to God as a gratitude and thankfulness, regarding this creation, to Him. Question No.3. Based upon the Quran's narration, if the edibles and beverages of Paradise are for the sake of pleasure then, why was Adam (A.S.) forbidden to eat the grapes and was expelled from Paradise? Answer. As God wanted to try and test Adam (A.S.), He commanded him not to obey his wife Hawwa (Eve) (A.S.) and not to eat from that tree. But he opposed it and as a result he was ousted from the haven. Question No.4. Why did Ali (A.S.) order his men in the battle of Jamal (Camel) to chase and bring into effect the pursuit of only "the warriors" and not to kill those who ran away, or were not armed, or injured? But in the Siffeen battle he ordered to kill them all, whether armed or unarmed, injured or uninjured, whomsoever they found and laid hands upon. Why was this difference in the order? Answer: Since, the battle of Jamal was a battle of Islam verses Islam and a battle between a deceived Muslim against another Muslim but the battle of Siffeen was a battle of infidels against Islam.  It was a combat between Muslim appearing infidels and the real Islam. The next day Yahyah bin Aksam asked all the wise men present in the assembly of Haroon: When Adam (A.S.) went to perform Hajj and visit the house of God, who shaved his head off? All of them were unable to give an answer to him. Then they put question to Imam Hadi (A.S.). He said, "Gabriel the angel of God." Yahyah took pleasure and enjoyed the answers of Imam (A.S.) and admitted to the knowledge station of Imam (A.S.) in the presence of all. The Imam's (A.S.) News about the unseen People observed from lmam Hadi (A.S.) due to his connection with God and the unseen world, works which were considered to be the specimen of God's might and power. One of the friends of Imam (A.S.) traveled from Iraq to Madina and had the honor to visit Imam (A.S.). Imam (A.S.) enquired from him the condition of Al-Wasiq the Abbasade caliph and he replied, "when I left Iraq he was fit and fine, and Mutawakkil was in prison and Ibn-e-Zayyat had become famous and well known among the people. Imam (A.S.) after a moment's silence said, "That which is God's will, shall take place, and there is no way to stop his orders and commands. Oh my friend be aware that Wasiq has passed away and Mutawakkil has succeeded him and Ibn-e-Ziyyat has been slain upon the behest of Mutawakkil." I asked, "When was it?" He said, "Six days after you moved out of Baghdad." Imam's (A.S.) Judgment In the age of Mutawakkil regime a lady claimed that she was Zainub the daughter of Fatima. He said, "Many long years have passed since that period when Zainub lived and you are quite young." She replied, "Yes, but the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) drew his hand upon my head and prayed for me to remain young for ever. As such, after every forty years I turn back to become young." Mutawakkil called upon all the wise men to visit him and enquired from them, "What do you say about the claim of this women" All of them said, "she tells a lie."  Mutawakkil said, "I know that she is lying, but what proof and logic do you have to condemn her." They said, "We do not know, Imam Hadi (A.S.) should solve this problem." Mutawakkil at once summoned Imam (A.S.) and told him about that matter. Imam (A.S.) said, "send her to the cage of the lions, if she is telling the truth, because the beasts do not molest the children of Fatimah (S.A.) and do not eat their flesh. Mutawakkil said to the woman, "what do you say?" She said, "This man wishes that I may be killed. If he is right then let him do it himself." Mutawakkil said, "she is right, you must do it first yourself." Imam (A.S.) replied, "There is no hurdle to it" He went to the lions in the cage and sat among them. All observed with amazement, that the lions sat very respectfully before the Imam (A.S.) and sometimes caressed themselves against his body and he caressed their bodies with his hand, affectionately. When Imam (A.S.) ordered that they might move to a corner, all of them crept to a nook. Then Imam (A.S.) came out of the cage and went to Mutawakkil and said, "Oh woman now it is your turn." The woman started crying and begging saying, "I told a lie, I am the daughter of such and such man, and wanted to play a trick and a hoax but it did not work." Imam (A.S.) in Mutawakkil's Assembly Mutawakkil, who was a self conceited and egoist Abbasade caliph, was much annoyed about the attention of the people focused upon Hadi (A.S.) and was all the time immersed in the thought of annihilating Imam (A.S.). One day, he was informed that Imam (A.S.) wanted to bring about a revolt and has gathered money and weapons, for this purpose, in his house. Mutawakkil ordered the officials to attack and break into the house of Imam (A.S.) at midnight and search it and whatever money and weapons are discovered be brought to him along with the Imam (A.S.). Mutawakkil had arranged a merry making party in his palace for his own relaxation and amusement and the musician played music and the singers sang sons for him. He was counting moments and waiting anxiously for Imam to be showed in. The agents and officials climbed the roof from the backside of the Imam's (A.S.) house and break into it. They found Imam (A.S.) busy in offering his prayers in a room.  Howsoever, they searched the rooms but could not find anything except a certain amount of money and one sword. They picked these up and presented to Mutawakkil along with the Imam (A.S.). When Imam (A.S.) arrived Mutawakkil seated him beside himself and presented the dirty drink (wine) to him and asked him to take it. Imam (A.S.) said, "By Lord, I shall never at all touch my lips with it." Mutawakkil who was intoxicated and did not have attention towards anything turned his face to Imam (A.S.) and said, "Thus you must recite some poem (rhymes) for me." Hazrat Imam (A.S.) said, "I do not know any of them except for a number of them, which are left over as a monument of my grandfather Ali (A.S.)." Mutawakkil said, "Recite that" Imam (A.S.) recited the rhymes, of his forefather Ali (A.S.), which were striking and awareness creating. A tempest took shape in his interior. So that he came to his senses, out of intoxication. He wept and ordered that Imam (A.S.) may be sent back to his house respectfully. The money, which was brought from his house, may be returned with sane addition to it. The Translation of the rhymes is as under: 1. They made the high peaks, their residence, and permanently and always, stationed armed guards to watch that. But none of them could stop the death from approaching them. 2. Finally and consequently, they were dragged from their grand palaces into the ditches of graves and with how unfortunately they arrived it. 3. At this time, the voice of the caller of God raised which said, "Where did those decorations, crowns, magnanimity and ostentation and grandeur go?" Where did those faces brought up in coquetry and endearment and which were nurtured upon the wealth of others, and showed their pride and mincing air to them, go. 4. The grave made them anonymous and their faces turned into the fields of attacks of the insects and worms. 5. One day they ate and drank whatever they desired, without any care but today they have themselves become food of the animals. The rhymes, which were totally admonitions and advices, hammered the brain of Mutawakkil, and made him so ecstasies that he was awakened from the deep slumber and threw his cup of wine upon the earth and his eyes shed tears like it was raining. Imam's (A.S.) Martyrdom After the tyrant caliph Mutawakkl's death Imam (A.S.) was still in agony, pain and discomfort till the time he was martyred by "Mutaz" at the age of 42 and was buried in the land of Samarrah. The Pupils of Imam (A.S.) Although Imam (A.S.) was strictly under observation and he was being put under vigilance from all aspects but a group of his lovers, enthusiastic and amorous lovers of the spring of his knowledge contacted him confidentially and secretly and used to quench their thirst from that spring up to their utmost means. Some of his friends were: 1. Abdul Azim Hasani: He was one of the great and wise men of his age and was much renowned for his piety. Imam Hadi (A.S.) would usually say to his friends "whenever a difficulty crops up for you ask Abdul Azim and convey my Salam and Salutation to him." Once, he put forward his beliefs before Imam (A.S.). Imam (A.S.) said, "By Cod, these are the same beliefs which God has liked (approved) for His slaves." This son of Imam (A.S.) was pursued and followed up very strictly and severely and concealed himself in the city of Rai and sometimes he came to visit the grave of Hamza, which is situated near his own. After sometime he fell ill and passed away and was buried at the same place. 2. Hasan Ibn-e-Saeed Ahwazi: Who was one of the friends of Imam Reza (A.S.), Imam Jawad (A.S.) and Imam Hadi (A.S.) and narrated traditions from all of them, lived in the beginning in Kufa then he left along with his brothers for Ahwaz and from there he shifted to Qum. He died over there. He authored about 30 books regarding Jurisprudence and the Islamic ethics and morality. The wise men accept the tradition narrated by him. Allamah Majlisi and Allamah Hilli had mentioned him with great respect and held him in high esteem. 3. Fazl bin Shazan Nishapuri: He was an informed, knowledgeable and strong jurisprudent and orator. He always had confabulation with the friends of Imam (A.S.) and benefited from them. He himself is considered one of the companions of Imam Hadi (A.S.). He wrote a large number of books, which attracted the attention of the wise men. Some of them say he wrote as many as a hundred and eighty books. Following the demise of Imam Hadi (A.S.), he became a part of the companions of Imam Hassan Askari (A.S.). One day, when he visited Imam's (A.S.) assembly, he praised and recommended him to the people of Khorrasan so that they may get benefited from his books. Since he was pursued on account of his being a Shia, he traveled to Behaq and after a period he became ill and died in the age of Imam Askari (A.S.). Brief Sayings of Imam (A.S.) 1. The one who spends his life in refuge of God, world's discomforts will become easy for him. 2. The one who carelessly commits sin and throws away the curtain of modesty, God will make him ignanimous, desperate and wretched. 3. The one who does not counsel with others in his matters will be harmed. 4. World is a bazaar in which one group makes benefit and the other faces loss. 5. Cutting jokes and mockery is the activity and enjoyment and amusement of foolish ones.

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