#it is bleak though and i hate that people have the need to put them there in the first place

[uncanny-tranny]

If you mess with somebody's mobility/life-preserving aid and all you got was yelled at by the disabled person in question, just know you got off easy. Fucking with somebody's aid can easily become a matter of life-or-death, so you have to understand why somebody would "lash out" about that.

[atlabeth]

wake up, sunshine

knight!luke masterlist

based on this ask

pairing: knight!luke castellan x princess!reader

summary: you and luke repair some things at your kingdom's annual flower festival.

a/n: have some fluff after i destroyed their relationship in the last fic! also this is based off of the scene from rapunzel because how could it not be <3 title from the all time low song bc it is soooo them "somebody loves you for yourself" <3 they're everything

wc: 2.5k

warning(s): once again luke is kinda angsty but this is much fluffier than usual! princess is nice again, they have a couple sweet moments <3

we’ve been focusing on a lot of rough times between luke and the princess but things aren’t all bad for them!! even though she’s trying to ignore him and being forced to court a prince she isn’t interested in at all and war is imminent, war has not struck YET 

which means that things are still pretty great lol. and things are going to get a little better 

Aurelda’s flower festival always happens at the peak of spring, when all of the flowers (especially the ones only found in your kingdom) bloom, and it is full of revelry and merriment 

You’ve gone every year since you were old enough to walk, and though things have been a bit bleak for you, you’re actually excited about it! that boring prince has gone back home so you don’t have to spend the entire festival entertaining him. 

For the first time in a while, you actually get to focus on yourself and having fun. and you plan to do just that 

Of course, things are still weird between you and Luke — you know it’s your own fault, and you know that’s how it has to be, but you still hate it — but you can’t stop thinking about his words from that night as your lady’s maid helps you get ready for the festival. 

You may not care about what you want, but I do. And my loyalty is to you, princess. Not to your parents. And certainly no prince. 

Your heart twists painfully but you hide any emotion. The last thing you need is your maids spreading rumors. They already gossip about how close you and Luke are. You don’t need any star-crossed lovers narratives going on when your friendship is being put through the wringer of your own accord. 

You’re wearing a more casual outfit than usual—though your parents usually want you adorned in gowns and over the top dresses, you insisted on a simpler dress that cut off around your ankles for the ease of movement. It has plenty of embroidered flowers, of course. 

You planned to participate in every festival activity, no matter what your parents said. You deserved to have some fun after being so serious for the past month. 

You’re stuck in meetings the entire day before the festival, so you’re brimming with unspent energy the second you step out of the palace. Your leg bounces up and down the entire carriage ride, and you talk at (not to) your parents the whole time. 

You’re excited, okay? And you deserve to be. things have been rough lately, and with the prince’s presence, woefully boring. You can’t wait to get back in the middle of your kingdom and see your people. You love your subjects, and you always love when you get to meet and talk to them in person. 

Luke, on the other hand, is slightly stressed. 

As this is his inaugural year as your knight, it is a season of firsts for him, and every first comes with unhealthy amounts of stress. 

His first ball with you, his first time in another kingdom with you, his first festival with you, his first time being at odds with you. 

Luke honestly doesn’t know how you feel about him right now. You’ve put an impressive amount of distance between you and him, and you rarely talk to him outside of necessity, but he sees your lingering glances in his direction. He notices when you don’t rebuke his attempts at friendly conversation.

Luke meant every word that he said. He knows you, and he knows you don’t want this—you at least don’t want to leave him in the dark like this. So he isn’t going to let you go that easily. 

Your avoidance of him may be a good thing, though, because at least it means you don’t see his reaction when you leave your room wearing your festival dress. 

Luke has always thought of you as the most beautiful girl he knows, and that hasn’t changed with time. 

You always stun in your ballgowns and any Aureldan finery, but there’s just something about you wearing such a simplistic dress, heightened by embroidered flowers, that makes him weak in the knees. 

Maybe it’s because Luke has imagined a life away from all of this so many times. You’re not a princess, and he’s not a knight, but you’re devoted to each other the same—you just don’t have any royal strings attached. 

Apart from being a knight, Luke has never really cared where his future took him, as long as it was with you. He knows he would give up all of this and more if it meant he could share a simple life with you. 

Thankfully, he’s composed himself by the time you look at him, though he can’t push away all the lingering thoughts. 

“Are you attending the festival today, Sir Castellan?” you ask.

He hates it when you call him that, but he nods. “Of course. You’re going out into the kingdom—you need security.”

“It is a festival,” you drawl. “Nothing will happen.”

“It is still necessary,” he says. “You can think of me as your knightly escort.”

That actually gets a bit of a laugh out of you, and he suppresses a smile. “My escort. How improper of you.”

“Today is meant to be a day of festivities,” Luke says. “Impropriety may be allowed just this once.” 

Your smile remains as you start to walk together, and Luke knows he could live off of its warmth alone. 

And when you finally reach your destination, your smile gets even bigger.

It’s been far too long since you’ve gotten to be in the midst of your kingdom, surrounded by all your people. This is the part of your position that you love—you just wish your parents trusted you with it more. 

Your parents are busy with their image—they’re speaking later today, you’re sure, and right now they’re discussing things with some kind of village leader—which gives you the perfect opportunity to slip away. 

Luke is right behind you, of course, but it’s always been hard to keep up with you. You’ve grown very skilled at weaving your way through crowds, but thankfully Luke has grown very skilled at keeping an eye on you. 

By the time he catches up to you, though, it’s too late. 

“Princess—” Luke calls in protest, but you’re already off to greet a group of children calling your name. 

You know exactly how to stress him out, running off like that without him immediately behind you, but he can’t find any anger inside of him.

Luke hasn’t forgotten your words. He doesn’t know how he could. 

But in this moment, it’s so easy to see why he can’t just do his duty and let you go. 

The way you crouch down to be on their level, how you listen so intently to everything they say, your dazzling smile. 

Yes, one could say it’s your duty to be kind to your people, but for many royals, that’s not true. You’ve always cared about the people of Aurelda, ever since you were young—that may have been one of the few things that hasn’t changed as you’ve grown. Luke has always admired that about you. 

In this moment, you’re not the crown princess. You’re just you. And it’s hard for anyone not to love you. 

…It’s hard for him not to love you. 

yeah. 

this is the moment that luke realizes he loves you. like loves you loves you. 

And it doesn’t come as much of a shock to him. Luke has always loved you, one way or another. He’s just now understanding the kind of love he holds for you now. 

wants to spend the rest of his life with you, would throw himself onto a sword for you, would do absolutely anything for you type loves you. 

If anything, it brings some form of relief. 

He loves you. You don’t love him, and you’re going to marry a prince someday. Maybe within the year. 

It’s as simple as that. 

except it isn’t, obviously 

because you love him too!! you just don’t know it yet!! and you don’t really want to marry the prince your parents are pushing at you, you just don’t see any other way. 

But it’s not like Luke knows that. he may be the youngest person to ever become part of the kingsguard but he is ~ insecure ~ and he cannot imagine anyone liking him like that, especially you!!! 

Luke comes back into himself when you bound back over to him, and he notices the flower crown balancing precariously on your head. 

You have the biggest grin on your face, and though the gowns you wear at balls and fancier events are great, you’re nothing less than stunning in your simple dress. You’re slightly out of breath and your skin is luminescent with the glow of exertion. He can’t help but smile.  

Have you always been this beautiful? He’s pretty sure you have, but he doesn’t know how he didn’t realize it sooner. 

Luke has loved you for a while, he thinks. Maybe he always has—maybe that’s what the warm feeling he gets in his chest when he looks at you is. Maybe that’s what made his heart clench every time a prince danced with you at that ball. 

Maybe his love for you has always been what’s pushed him forward. 

“Luke,” you said, and once again, you snapped him out of his thoughts. You were absolutely beaming at him, and you wore a flower crown on your head. “Are you there?” 

Luke, he realized. Not Sir Castellan, for what felt like the first time in weeks. 

“I’m always here,” he said. “I’ve got superior training, princess.” 

“Of course,” you said with mock austerity, nodding sagely. “I could never forget.” 

You held up another flower crown, one similar to yours, and your smile grew. “The kids made another one, too. They said it was for my grumpy looking knight.” 

Luke scoffed, but there was no edge to it. “I’m not grumpy. Merely cautious.” 

“Oh, yes,” you said dryly. “I’m sure those kids had devious plans, Luke.” 

That got the slightest of smiles out of him, and it spurned warmth in your chest. “It’s my—” 

“It’s your job to watch me,” you finished. “I know. Just teasing you.” 

“And I welcome it,” he said. “It’s nice to see you like this, princess.” 

“Talking to my people and actually making a difference?” you guessed. 

“Happy,” he corrected. 

“Yes, well…” you trailed off, glancing away for a moment as you shrugged. “I’ve been busy.” 

“And for once, you don’t look like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders.” Luke’s eyes drifted to the flower crown sitting on your head, and his smile grew. “It suits you.” 

“Carelessness or flower crowns?” you asked wryly. 

“Flower crowns.” Luke crossed his arms. “You’re far from careless, princess.”

You rolled your eyes 

“You’ve got to stop talking down on yourself like that,” he said. “Like nothing you say or do matters. Because it does. It may not feel like it, but you’re doing valuable work.” 

“Oh, yes,” you said breezily. “I’m sure sitting in meetings that don’t matter and looking pretty as I stand in the background during my father’s speeches is valuable work.” 

“That’s not what I mean.” Luke gestured at the crowd of people around, specifically pointing at the group of kids that you’d entertained. “You fight for them every day, even if you don’t realize it. You care about these people, princess, which is already more than half of the people in that castle do for them. Why else would they adore you?” 

You bit your lip and glanced away. It was hard to take Luke’s words to heart when you truly felt like you were doing nothing—when it felt like the only thing you could possibly be good for was a marriage. 

But you did argue with your parents near every chance you got on matters of support and aid for your people. It was the least you could do, especially when you knew you would never really have to deal with consequences. 

(There was a reason most of your father’s advisors had to suppress groans every time you would sit in on a meeting. You took pride in your ability to annoy.) 

“Let’s call a truce, okay?”

You frowned. Now it was Luke bringing you out of your thoughts. “A truce?”

“I don’t want you to keep avoiding me, and I don’t think you’re really enjoying it either.” Luke met your gaze. “We’ve been friends for as long as I can remember, princess. Don’t let boring princes come between that.”

You glanced away. “Luke…” 

“I know,” he said with a sigh. “I know your duty, and I know mine. But seeing you today, so carefree and happy—it’s worth more than a million gold pieces to me.” 

You’d been dancing around this topic since the night you pushed him away. It just hurt too much to talk about, and you felt like you didn’t have a right to be hurt—not when you were the one that did it. 

You loved Luke—he’d been your best friend for as long as you could remember. But you would be lying if you said you didn’t hate the time you’ve been spending apart. 

“We’re both getting older, I know. And we both have responsibilities we’re going to take on. God, someday, you’re going to be queen.” Luke huffed a laugh, though his eyes never wavered from you. “But that doesn’t mean that we can’t get through it together. Just like we’ve gotten through everything else together.” 

Luke held out his hand. “So? Truce?” 

You stared at his hand for a moment, unable to meet his eyes. You knew exactly what you wanted to say but you felt like you couldn’t. 

Because dammit, your days felt so dull. You always wanted to talk about your day and how boring your lessons were or the bullshit your father’s advisors have been discussing in meetings, and Luke was always the person you wanted to talk to about it all. He always has been. 

And you pushed him away. 

Before you could doubt yourself, you ignored his hand entirely and pulled him into a tight hug. Luke wrapped his arms around you immediately, holding you close. 

“I’m sorry for avoiding you,” you whispered. God, how you’d missed his embrace—you never felt safer than when you were in his arms. “And I’m sorry for being so stupid.” 

“You have nothing to be sorry for, princess,” he murmured. “And you’re certainly not stupid. Don’t even think that way.” 

You let out a breathy laugh as you pulled away, smiling softly at Luke. “I’m stupid to ever think I could really stay away from you.” 

and for the rest of the festival, you and luke are practically inseparable<3 not just because he’s your guard but because you’re best friends. 

You’re not going to let anything change that going forward. any prince that wants to marry you is just going to have to deal with that. 

(you even get him to wear that flower crown.)

(and though he tries to hide it, he kind of loves it.) 

(mostly because he loves you<3) 

[onyourhyuck]

Do I Wanna Know? | J.JH

— Prologue: “Maybe i’m too busy being yours to fall for somebody new.”

— Summary: You and Jaehyun both agreed that there will be no feelings involved. But Jung Jaehyun ended up falling for you, and now you’re being distant with him.

— Genre: Friends with benefits > To lovers. Slightly angsty. Artstudent!jaehyun x politicstuddnt!y/n. Romance. Jaehyun is this indie artist student, Y/n is giving Rory from Gilmore.

— Notes: Do I Wanna Know - Artic Monkeys.

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You and Jaehyun both agreed that there will be no feelings involved, this carried on for eight months. You would fool around sometimes before class, sometimes you’re fooling around with him drunk. The whole point of this arrangement was to make sure you both get laid. As an University student you can’t exactly get a relationship and make sure you can be in that relationship while being a future lawyer. You see it’s quite difficult to even begin a forming attachment. Which is why one day in January, you met Jung Jaehyun.

Jung Jaehyun isn’t your typical pretty face. Sure, he’s got the looks and the body. He is devilishly handsome. People often gossip about his rich family in England. The only thing people saw in him were his appearance, his money and his family. Nothing else but you were different to him.

You actually ended up getting to know Jaehyun. Your classes were the opposite but you’ve met on a night out through a mutual friend and ever since then you have been talking whenever you saw each other on campuses. Somehow you’ve never ran into him before but now meeting him on that night out, you keep seeing him everywhere.

You are the opposite to each other. He prefers apple juice and you prefer the classical OJ juice straight out the fridge cold and iced. It somehow amazes you how well you click despite being so different. He hates politics and you love them, he could hear you talk about politics and somehow it makes him interested. But if he heard it on the news or whatever from someone else he’d want to blow his brains out and make sure to never live the day again.

People only saw Jaehyun from what they know on the outside but the outside never amazed you. When you saw how sensitive and precious Jaehyun was you couldn’t help but think he’s pretty cute. Whenever he draws he used his emotions to draw. You can tell he’s very intact with them, you somehow become envious of how much emotion he can create and draw on a blank piece of canvas in a hour.

You can barely put out an emotion just by thinking about it but you suppose it’s because in Politics you’re not meant to lead with emotion you’re meant to be using logic. Which is why your emotions department is looking a bit bleak. Nonetheless Jaehyun’s art had a way of moving your heart.

He admires the way you lead people by protesting outside of the campus. You told him you like protesting for problems that haven’t been spoken out publicly because many corrupted politicians like to gain something out of the work. He would come and see you do your speeches. He would be cheering you. Jaehyun even let you borrow is laptop so you could finish your assessment when yours ran out in middle of your lecture class, so you left to grab a charger from your dorm only to not have it there.

He remembers the day you came inside his art class crying because you were freaking out so much over this assignment and you hated how your laptop shut down suddenly. He literally dragged you to his dormitory just to get you his laptop. You will forever remember how much he cared for you passing your assignments. Even though he was busy needing to finish his portrait exam. He still chose to help you.

The more you two were entangled in each others lives the harder it was to pull away and eventually one day, you both mutually ended up in each others beds. Multiple times for over eight months you were both together agreeing that no sort of feelings will be involved and that this was just for the sake of your hard working subjects.

But the more Jaehyun had a taste of you he couldn’t stop thinking about taking another taste of you, and then his dreams are all about you. He wasn’t sure what you were feeling. In fact he didn’t wanna know what you were feeling because you seemed so in the moment but by the next day you were acting like you weren’t kissing him so passionately like you were in love. Maybe he read into it wrong.

Maybe he was wrong that he could do a friends with benefits with you because he can’t. He failed the first rule which is, don’t fall for you.

You knew something was off about Jaehyun the minute he was kissing you differently one night. You knew something was definitely not right when he moaned your name so softly, as if he were treating you like you were his girlfriend, his lover, with an intention to make love to you. Not to fuck you, but make love to you. You couldn’t handle it and somehow when you questioned it, Jaehyun couldn’t look you in he eyes straight.

You just knew from that moment of silence from your friend that he was no longer just a friend, he was someone who was wanting more.

And you couldn’t handle it. You broke it off that night and since then you and Jaehyun haven’t been as communicative as you were before. You don’t come over to each other’s classes anymore. Your mutual friends don’t see you guys speaking anymore. Your families don’t hear you speak about you and Jaehyun anymore they could only wonder what’s been happening behind the scenes. You and Jaehyun, have stopped being together.

But somehow you still saw each other whenever you guys went. It was like a trick in the matrix to you. You thought if you pull away you’d be free from Jung Jaehyun. But the more you walk away the further he walks forward and somehow you guys meet paths so many times again and again.

You saw him at the bowling centre when you went with a guy friend, Doyoung, from your politics major class.

You saw Jaehyun with your other mutual friend you both share at the bowling centre, with Johnny Suh, and you were both blown away.

What are the chances? None of you had a way of knowing where the other one is so how come you keep on running into each other.

Then your mutual friend Johnny decided it’s a great idea to merge both groups together because apparently, Doyoung and him go back together through high school. Somehow you wanted to disappear from the face of this earth knowing that your friend and Johnny were pretty good senior and junior throughout their high school years which left you and Jaehyun awkwardly confused and wondering what about you two?

It didn’t change the fact that Doyoung and you had a great time together. Smiling and laughing at god knows what. You were speaking to Johnny too, Jaehyun felt jealous with the way Doyoung can casually put his hand around you or tap your shoulder.

It lead him to wondering, ‘Do I Wanna Know if you miss me too?’

‘Do I Wanna if you ever wanna go back to the times when we were together like this too?’

These questions overpopulated his busy mind and you weren’t even aware of it how much he’s been feeling grey and blue without you. He couldn’t draw anything but you and somehow all his professors were worried with the amount of drawings of you were crowding the classroom storage now.

Jaehyun went through so many breaks up which is bizarre to me considering he handled them so well but with you this felt so much worse than a breakup to him and he couldn’t explain it. He couldn’t put a finger on it wondering why and what is making this worse and it’s probably because it’s you. You’re special and he grew attached to you.

When Doyoung and Johnny left you behind to grab popcorn and a few drinks for you guys, it leaves you and Jaehyun sitting next to each other in tense silence wondering when they will come back. It felt like two people waiting for their parents to come and pick them up from school, it felt exactly like that.

You fiddle with your thumbs, pushing away your feelings so you could try and speak to him. “So Johnny wanted to go bowling?” You trail to the boy next to you who had the gloomiest expression ever you couldn’t even imagine what Jaehyun must be feeling.

For you sure, you can handle seeing Jaehyun. But for Jaehyun it felt like two worlds colliding and he doesn’t want them to. It’s making his open wound more wide and open, it’s going to bleed him out if he keeps seeing your beautiful face, hearing your wonderful voice that keeps making his heart all soft and warm. His scars only get more painful when he knows you and him are no longer what you used fo be.

He turns at you somehow his eyes finding the time to look appreciating your eyes finding a wanderlust beauty in them and he couldn’t look away from them. “Mhm, Johnny called me up to go bowling suddenly.” He says biting the bottom lip as he looks away. “And your friend over there? I remember seeing him in your class once.”

“Ah Doyoung? Yeah. He wanted to go bowling suddenly too and we planned to go here.” You nod humming.

You felt your hands become a whole waterfall with the amount of sweat they produce. You and Jaehyun never had an awkward moment before but now it’s just only awkward moments you can’t imagine how hard it must be for the audience watching this, aka your friends, who probably know something is freaking up with you both.

Jaehyun suddenly broke the third wall, letting his emotions carry him throughout his entire existence. “Do you miss me?” ‘Do I Wanna know…’ he trails into his palms thinking hard, if he even wants to know the truth.

You couldn’t lie but the minute he asked you, you were screaming yes instantly. Without a doubt you miss him, of course you do. You were super close and before then you spend the days together for so long. Eight months isn’t a small number of times. You spend a long term time being friends with Jaehyun and halfway through that your bodies were more than friends too.

It’s impossible not to miss Jung Jaehyun. He was a part of you.

“Jaehyun…” You trail stopping yourself. Your heart was beating so fast it’s made you nearly stutter out. Jaehyun faces you seriously and you glance back shortly.

“Of course I miss you. It’s just…” you pause again, holding your teeth to the bridge of your mouth.

“I miss you, a lot Y/n. I cant sleep and eat without you and I don’t know if I’m the only one going crazy here but why can’t you be with me? Has it never crossed your mind?” He softly retorts at you putting all sorts of questions out there he needed answers for, but you yourself didn’t know how to answer them.

What your respond to those were a complete unknown world mystery. You weren’t sure what to do because all you were feeling was blush crawling on your face, you felt your body going into a fighting mode, or maybe those were the butterflies? You weren’t even sure if this was love or if this was your body telling you to run, make a run for it.

“Jaehyun…we are friends. We can’t be anything more than that. You know this from the start.”

Jaehyun knew it from the start but that never stopped him from developing feelings for you nonetheless that rule was the dumbest rule he has ever heard and the more he keeps hearing you talk about it the more his feelings were becoming progressively stronger for worse or for better.

“Why don’t you find someone new Hm?” You smile at him trying to light up the situation.

Every political issue has a problem logically it can be solved by another situation. You thought about this through political eye point of view so if Jaehyun likes you, a way to discard those feelings is if he meets another girl. Yes, exactly that.

You thought you found a loophole but Jaehyun found it incredibly difficult and mean to process. He found it almost impossible and somehow you, the one he loves, being the one to address him a solution to getting over you made his blood boil a little.

“Maybe i’m too busy being yours to fall for somebody new.” He gnaws beneath his breath pushing himself off the seat and suddenly, grabbing his bags.

You look at him with widen eyes. “Hey— where are you going Jaehyun?”

You couldn’t believe it but he looked pretty angry with you right now and you wondered maybe you weren’t going with the good approach. The moment he left the building your two friends come back with the food completely shocked by seeing only you left. Johnny squints his eyes at Jaehyun’s seat helplessly.

“Jaehyun looks a little different here.” He says lightly. “Where’d he go Y/n?”

You look down murmuring. “He left.”

Doyoung chokes on his cola looking over at Jaehyun. You were busy looking down at your hands thinking this through because you must’ve said something mean to truly upset him and you couldn’t help but think maybe you’re the one in the wrong here. Your two friends were whispering in the air to one another, near-yelling whispers.

Doyoung points at Johnny miming all sorts of actions to the older guy. “You said this bowling situation would bring them back to normal.” He clenched his jaw speaking harshly and quietly in front.

Johnny looks back helplessly. He and Doyoung met up together one night planning this day together so that it would look like a little coincidence that they would meet up at this bowling public area. It felt like a genius plan but someone had to make sure it didn’t work.

You grab your head pulling on your hair feeling that you were too harsh on him. You felt awful.

“I’m awful. I’m an awful person.” You bite on your bottom lip in worry. You’re starting to realise how much of a jerk you’ve been to Jaehyun.

The two boys join your side to comfort you knowing that you probably weren’t aware how to deal with whatever situation you’ve been through together. You sit in your seat trembling just by the thought of Jaehyun truly walking out of your life it made you rethink things. You’ve not been grateful enough for him. Johnny taps your shoulders, to go and show comfort for you.

But no matter what your friends say all your body was telling you to do was go find Jaehyun and apologise on your knees, just go and find him before it’s too late because he was an one in a life time person you’ll ever meet who actually loves you so much he would rather suffer than have you suffer.

“What did you say to him?” Doyoung spoke out causing you to murmur your response in shame.

“I told him to find and look for someone new. So he could get over me quickly.” I flatly said.

Johnny clears his throat when Doyoung looks at Johnny glaring. He knew he shouldn’t of trusted Johnny with this bowling idea.

“I- maybe you weren’t thinking with your heart when you said that, were you?” Johnny slants looking at you and you look back at him.

“Yeah. I thought that… if politics had a solution to everything maybe this did too. The logical route I guess.”

Doyoung never wanted to slap someone so much beforehand but mentally told himself you were built different and perhaps he should go the softer scolding method to way you out.

“Y/n love isn’t politics. Love is something your heart desires not what your brain wants you to do and believe.” Doyoung told you shaking his head.

You widen your eyes realising that Doyoung and Johnny was right. You kept on thinking about Jaehyun logically when you broke it off you kept on thinking that if you put your distance your relationship will be forgotten or something, but in reality your heart never wanted that.

Your heart always wanted Jaehyun. When you and Jaehyun kiss your heart was the only thing beating not your freaking brain.

You clench your hands together suddenly running out and Doyoung looks at Johnny side slanting.

“I bet twenty won that Y/n will make the first move.” Doyoung smirks.

Johnny pull out thirty won in his hand. “I bet thirty that Jaehyun will do the first move.”

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Wondering endlessly where on earth could Jaehyun be you were chasing the one you were avoiding all this time so stupidly because you were afraid, all because of one single emotion called fear took control over you. In reality you were busy being in denial all in your head thinking about this like it were some freaking political campaign.

Jaehyun wasn’t some protest. He wasn’t an exam you needed to study for. He wasn’t a thing you should’ve been avoiding in all along where in fact you should’ve been here, in front of him, holding him, speaking to him.

Being true to him.

But no you didn’t do that. You were too stupid to.

Meanwhile Jaehyun was spending his precious time mopping about the horrible incident between your fall out he was spending his time wondering if this feeling goes both way. He always chose you. He would always wanna know, if you ever returned his unknowingly emotions he feels for you; the feelings he held dear to his poor ole’ heart for you. He wanna know if you want to be the one to wake up to his side every morning, he wanna know if you ever thought about calling him up, he wanna know if you would have drinks with him like the old times.

He would want to know if you, were willing to be his.

Now you’re the one crawling back to him.

You have iron between your teeth everytime you play it on repeat how shameless you were hurting your friend and his feelings, the guy you all along were falling for but weren’t even aware of it this closely until you were losing him. To know how precious someone is sometimes, you gotta lose the precious think to want it back.

‘Do I wanna know…’

‘I’m crawling back to you.’

‘My heart is open to you now.’

Jaehyun doesn’t need to wonder if your heart is closed at this time or when it’s going to be open next time so he could have you all to himself. No. He doesn’t need to wait anymore.

‘If you wanna to we can be together.’

Jaehyun doesn’t need to hope for you to stay anymore.

‘Because you’re staying with him.’

You run down to the house banging on the door with your fists knocking so hard you could chuck the entire wooden door down by the power you’re enforcing. You were panting, heat coming to your cheeks and your eyes teary eyed with water in them. The cold suppresses your body.

You ran all over the city for him only to crawl back to his house that you’ve been going to all these months sleeping with him, in his warm bed that is now empty, wondering if you’d ever stay in his bedsheets again. Even though they smell of you you’re gone.

The moment you saw Jaehyun standing in the doorway with a distasteful look on his face seeing you, you were the one biting your bottom lip.

“Y/n what are you doing here?”

You never wanted to stay with someone until now.

“I’m here to make things right.” You pant coming forward grabbing Jaehyun by his collars pushing the boy inside his house making you enter with a harsh kiss on his mouth. Jaehyun felt like he were on extreme ecstasy the moment your soft but very cold mouth was roughly exposing him to a makeout with you. Your bodies falling flat on the bed sheets again, it didn’t take a whole second to figure your way round the house. It felt like a core muscle memory for you considering you’ve stayed in this house and in this same exact bed with him so many times to count. It was your secret.

Too many secrets you are keeping with Jaehyun, constantly playing on repeat until you fall asleep. You both were wanting to know if this feel was going on both ways, he was wondering, if you were staying or not. If you were crawling back to him, or not.

Jaehyun swipes you underneath him biting on the bottom lip leaving you breathless, you look mythical underneath him almost like a siren who was alluringly close with his heart bewitching it making him madly in love with you.

“Will this night be the same night for the things you can’t say tomorrow,” Jaehyun watches you deeply wanting a genuine response, to something he wants to know, for a long time he’s been waiting. “Or will it be different. Will you stay with me and become mine?”

You’re watching him with the intent of doing exactly that. To stay until he gets sick of you because you’re done running without a pathway to someone good. You’re done being alone and pretending you don’t need anyone when in reality all you ever needed was someone — someone like Jaehyun.

You cup his face smiling. “I’m crawling back to you. I’m done being your friend, Jaehyun. I am yours.” He watches your face leans in whispering to his lips before deeply touching his own.

“You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to hear this.”

Jaehyun says as if this were his biggest dream come true to hear you accept the same feelings he was feeling.

He never thought so much before, but he wanted to know and you let him know how you truly felt.

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@onyourhyuck please refer from translating and copyrighting my work thank youu! Reblog this fic and follow for more updates it helps a girl out.

[berrystiles]

Right Where You Left Me

Pairing: Steve Harrington x Fem!reader

Word Count: 10.1k

Content Warnings: Angst, Lovers to strangers kinda deal ya know, some cursing.

Summary: It's the summer before you head off to college, and there's a fear about that decision that keeps creeping in. You try not to let it drown you, spending time making summer plans for your friends and with your boyfriend Steve. It feels like you can do this, and you're happy to be staring into the summer ready to make memories that will carry you into college. However, unbeknownst to you something else is brewing and Steve has plans of his own. One unexpected breakup later and your summer now looks a lot more like trying to overcome heartbreak.

Author Note: I'm the only one to read over this, so me and Grammarly are all I have regarding editing. Also, I guess this is just what I write now! Inspired by my favorite sad girl songs, if you know them I'm sure you'll see them. I have ideas for a part 2 of this if anyone would be interested? All of this was supposed to be a one-shot type of thing, but it started getting long. Part two would be a resolution as we fade into a happy ending, and get some much needed answers.

Ao3 Link - In case you want to read it there

Steve Harrington is soft smiles passed your way over the tops of all the children he babysits heads. He is weekend movie nights spent curled up next to one another on his couch, so close that you sometimes think you could become one person if you tried hard enough. He’s not your first relationship, but sometimes when you can’t sleep at night there’s a reoccurring thought that he is going to be your last. Steve has been orbiting around your life since elementary school, close but never within reach. That was the way, only knowing him through rumors passed around the halls of Hawkins High, two passing ships in the hallway between classes. This last year though has brought him into your world, no longer is he a passing comet that you stop to stare at. Now he’s yours and your mom will chide and say it’s just high school love, but you can’t imagine a world where his hand doesn’t stay attached to yours. Call it whatever you want, but something about this just feels too real. The kind of love you hear about in novels, the kind people wax poetic structures about. You’re not sure what you did in a past life, or what karma you collected over time, but you’re thankful for the universe putting the two of you together.

The only bleak part of your future with Steve comes after summer ends. You’ve just graduated, and school is expected of you in a way that you know you can’t turn down. Steve has been more than understanding, it’s a pressure he recognizes from his parents. You have no clue what you want to do but your dad swears that you’ll figure it out when you get there. You manage to get into a good school but it’s 5 hours away from Hawkins. Your parents are ecstatic, they can’t stop talking about all the ways you’re going to grow in this next phase of your life. Your parents are the people who met in college, and even though they won’t say it there’s something about you needing to attend that feels a little like them trying to relive their glory days. You love them but you’re not sure if they know you or if they really listen when you talk.

You find that if you put on a smile and nod along to what they say though it gets you through conversations faster. It’s a small price to pay so you can escape the house and rush to Steve. Steve who you hate to leave behind, sweet Steve who has been there to hold your hand and be your rock through it all. You’re not sure if you’d be able to put up with your parents’ expectations if he wasn’t there with you holding you up. You worry you put too much on him like you weigh him down the same way your parents tend to do. Sometimes you tell him your concerns, and he’s always quick to quiet the fear.

The thing with Steve is he is so soft sometimes, and yet you can’t help but feel protected in his arms. Still though, even as he brushes your hair to the side, as his lips touch yours and he peppers you with affection and reassurance, you make a vow to yourself to try and reduce how much you complain. You can’t stop the anxiety that sometimes spikes up despite his kindness that maybe this all hurts a little too much for him. After all, his family held similar expectations for him. You know that his dad is a different kind of mean and demanding than yours. Your family feels like a small-time problem when put into the perspective of Steve’s parents.

You have a mantra you follow, reminding yourself that school, as daunting as it is, is still months away. You have a whole summer to forget about it all. A whole summer of nothing but your friends and Steve. You know you’ll be right next door at the arcade, your shifts and Steve’s always lining up because of a favor Keith owed you. There are plans in place that will carry you through. There’s the drive-in and their Friday night movie deals, sunny days that will be spent at Lover’s Lake, the regular Sunday brunch at your favorite diner, and so much more. You make sure to focus on those things, knowing that all of it will be enough to get you through that first semester of school once you finally go.

However, like with most things that seem to happen in Hawkins, your good luck runs out. You hate to say it, but you didn’t see it coming. Delusional bliss is apparently where you’ve been living and the rose-colored glasses you didn’t know you were wearing are snatched off your face without a moment of hesitation. Looking back the signs will be there in glaring neon colors, and you will hate yourself for missing them. For missing them to the point that you couldn’t even backtrack to fix where your so-called perfect relationship went off the tracks.

It's a week into summer and things are not at all going to plan. Your parents are pressuring you to cut your summer short and go to school three weeks early so you can settle in for classes. And honestly, it’s not the worst idea and if you were anyone else maybe it would be appealing. However, you’re on a fixed time frame and you don’t plan to give up one ounce of time with Steve and your friends before you absolutely must. Despite schedules syncing up, there’s a distance growing between you and Steve. At the time you understand, there are kids to be driven around and then his parents unexpectedly show up back home. You don’t blame him for the distance, you take it in stride and offer your support just like he’s been doing for you. The future version of yourself, will look back and call you an idiot for not digging deeper. But why would you? In all the time, though maybe it hasn’t been that long, Steve has never once been the cause of your anxiety. Never once has he ever done anything to make you question your relationship, or whether you can trust him or not.

After a week of only seeing Steve in passing and on lunch breaks, you finally get the chance to have uninterrupted time with Steve. He catches you on a break at work and asks if you want to get dinner once your shifts end. He doesn’t carry that same glowing smile he always does when he drops these moments on you, but you brush the thought aside assuming this is the residual damage from his parents. You’re just happy at the prospect of being with Steve so you’re quick to agree, and even quicker to pull him in for a kiss to seal the deal. In your excitement, you don’t notice how this kiss doesn’t feel like a welcomed hello, and later you’ll tell yourself that it was the first sign of goodbye. But in the moment Steve is pulling away, and he’s looking at you like he's tracing and memorizing everything about you. “I’ll see you after work,” is the parting sentence before he’s jogging back to Family Video.

Steve and you meet in the middle of your two jobs, and he holds out his hand just like he always does. He leads you to his car, asking you about your day. You tell him about the party coming in, and about all the different characters of teens who came in. You prattle on and on, all the way to your favorite diner. You ask him about his day and try to get him to talk more. A quiet Steve, with eyes not shining, is a version you hate to see. You want nothing more than to pick him up, hopefully, wash off all the grime that his parents so obviously threw on him in the short week they were home. It’s always hard doing this walk and dance, the scars his parents leave him with always cut deeper than you have an awareness of. But it’s never this impossible, by the time you’re leaving the diner you’re more worried about what happened during this visit home than you ever have been. You’ve learned with Steve that when it comes to his parents you can’t poke too much otherwise, he gets spooked. Normally, he finds a way to talk about it usually when you’re both back at his place and the light is off for the night. When it’s so dark in his room that you can’t see the way his face is lined with grief, and pain that he shouldn’t have to experience. You’re so used to the pattern that you don’t mind the car ride after dinner being just the sound of the radio. It’s not unwelcomed, it’s just a part of the pieces that happen, which is why you’re surprised when Steve parks in front of your house.

“Oh, are we not going to yours?” Your brow is furrowed as you turn in your seat to face Steve. Even when you don’t stay at his place, he still is always looking at you when you turn to leave. This time though Steve’s hands are still holding on to the steering wheel, and he can’t turn to face you when he finally gathers the ability to reply. “I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

The radio is still on, and your ears pick up Whitney Houston singing a new song that’s been playing everywhere. “What do you mean,” your stomach feels like it’s falling right out of you and your brain is giving radio silence as you try to gain some understanding of what the hell is going on. You watch as Steve takes a deep breath like he’s centering himself before turning to face you. Every time Steve has ever looked at you it’s been with nothing but softness, an unquestioning gaze that always tells you what he’s thinking. The Steve before you though, these are eyes that aren’t that sweet look he normally gives you. Instead, this one is cold, one that you can barely recall. You have to pull at memories from his reign as King Steve to find some type of look that’s like the one you receive now.

“I just don’t think this is working,” he shrugs like this isn’t the biggest thing to ever happen before. Like he’s telling you something that should be common knowledge.

“I don’t understand, Steve.” There’s a burning feeling in the corners of your eyes. The sensation is a warning that if you don’t pull it together, you’re going to start crying. You don’t know how to pull it together because what little Steve is telling you sounds an awful like a breakup.

Steve sighs, something heavy like he’s just so tired of having to explain himself. It’s an odd sound and it rubs you raw because he hasn’t explained anything. How can he already be tired of a conversation that makes no sense?

“Look, I don’t want this to be harder than it is,” you cut him off before he can continue. “So don’t make it hard, just tell me what’s going on and why you’re saying all of this.” You don’t recognize your voice. The pleading tone sounds watery and not at all like what you know yourself to be. You don’t think you’ve ever begged someone in this way before.

“I just don’t feel the same way for you,” it’s so blunt and to the point that it leaves no room for argument.

“I don’t understand,” you’re repeating yourself and you hate that. You’re not stupid, you can usually piece things together faster than this. The phrase, ‘having the rug pulled out from under you’ rattles around in a way that suddenly makes total sense.

“I don’t know how to explain it any better. I don’t want to date you anymore. I don’t want to see you.” You didn’t realize before that the cold tone he was using still allowed for kindness. In this final statement, his words are ice, and you feel like you just took a plunge into Lover’s Lake in the middle of winter.

You have more you want to say, questions that you feel need to be asked. If you stay though you feel like you’re not going to get them, and honestly, it’s taking more energy to keep yourself together than it would be to stay. You’re not sure if you say anything else if there’s some kind of acknowledgement on your part. All you know is that your body is screaming at you to run. Staying in that car doesn’t feel like a place you belong, so you’re quick to get out. You don’t even make it to the door before Steve is peeling off and driving himself home. The action feels like the last break in any resolve you had. Your Steve would always wait until you were inside before leaving. Always telling you he'd rather know with certainty that you were safe before he ever left. It was one of those things that told you how caring he was, that showed how he loved you.

______________________________________________________________

In what will later be referred to as The Aftermath, you have the next day off. Your mom hovers at your door, knocking and knocking. The sound makes your head hurt and forces you to pull your covers over your head like it’ll drown out everything else. If you had anyone else as a mother, you might be able to convince yourself that she’s doing it from a place of concern. The truth is that this is the same woman who when you came in last night, uncontrollably sobbing and barely getting out the words ‘Steve’ and ‘broke up’, your mom was asking if this meant you’d go to school earlier like she and your father want.

The tears had stopped sometime around when you finally found yourself falling asleep. They haven’t picked back up and everything you ever learned in biology screams out you’re dehydrated. There are things you should be doing, things that you have done for yourself when other relationships ended that made it so the person you were dating was nothing more than a faded memory. Maybe if you go through the ritual of it all, the gathering of reminders, and the disposal of memories it’ll make you feel better. There should be phone calls to girlfriends, and movie nights set up to help push you through these feelings.

Instead, you continue to stay in bed. Your limbs feel like lead, weighed down and stuck, too heavy for you to move. Your curtains are drawn so tight that not even the hot Indiana sun comes through to ruffle you into motion. Your wall has your attention, and you find yourself using the texture of the paint to trace all the lines in your relationship with Steve. Maybe if you follow them to the end like a map, they’ll tell you where you are and where you go from here.

In the midst of The Aftermath, in the bed of your grief, you manage to make one phone call. Well… that’s a lie. You make two phone calls. In no surprise to the imaginary audience watching you grieve; the first call is to Steve. The phone rings and rings and rings. Steve never answers and it should be a sign. You get the standard Harrington voicemail. Steve’s mom’s voice becomes the soundtrack to your day. She tells you to leave a message, and that the family will get back to you when they can. You open your mouth, no plan on what to say but surely there’s something there in your head that will tumble out. The answering machine beep is met with your silence though, just your breath coming through, you wonder if Steve will know it’s you even if you don’t leave your name. Does he still have you memorized in all the ways that you still know him? Did he forget about you in just the span of a day? Worst thought of all, did he even really take the time to trace you down in his memory the same way you did him?

You hang up after that last thought, still no name and still carrying the hope that it could be enough. Your second call is made two hours later when there’s still no call back from Steve, even though he should be off today too. Even though, there’s a piece of your mind screaming over and over that he should have heard the silence in the message and been able to read through it. Maybe that’s unfair of you to place that on Steve, but it also feels unfair that he had the power and took action to bring you where you lay now. The second call is to Keith at the arcade, where you know he’s working since you’re off today. The favor you cashed in on is wasted because your request is for him to take back your schedule.

“I can’t work the day shift anymore,” your voice is hoarse and throat sore as the words stumble out.

“That sounds like a you problem,” you grimace as you hear Keith chewing what you know are those stupid cheese snacks he always carries around.

You hold back a groan and tell yourself your next move, while incredibly bratty, is the only way that you return to work. Your parents hate you working at the place anyway, but you like the independence, you like having your own money and you don’t want to give up another thing this summer.

“It’s going to be your problem because I’m not working any shift that overlaps with Harrington. I’ll quit.” You hate how Steve has transformed into Harrington. Hate how removed it sounds, not at all reflective of how close you had been. If you say his first name though, you know you’re going to cry.

Keith whistles, the tone way too low and drags out in a way that makes you feel a wave of creeping anger you’re not used to.

“So, you and Harrington are over then. Knew he was stupid but didn’t think he was that stupid.”

“He’s not stupid,” your defense is soft, it feels telling of where you are. It isn’t harsh in the way that it should be. It’s not your job to defend Steve anymore, he let you go from that position last night after all.

“I’ll change the schedules,” is the response you get back and it’s the nicest thing that you think Keith has ever said to you. However, you know Keith, and this feels a little too easy.

“Is there a catch?”

“Nah, just can’t afford to lose you so consider it your lucky day.” It doesn’t feel like your lucky day, but you don’t say that. Just mumble out a thank you after he tells you that your shift tomorrow will be the closing shift and Harrington will be gone by then.

True to his word, when you pull into the shared parking lot of Family Video there is no sign of Steve’s car. There’s an awareness that it won’t always be this easy, that Hawkins is too small to go all summer without seeing him. And despite Keith’s previous comments on how he couldn’t afford to lose you, there’s also a silent understanding that he’s still going to be an absolute shit about all of this for the rest of the summer. Keith doesn’t know any other way to be, and it’s a moderate price to pay for your ability to at least show up to work without breaking down.

Dustin is the first one you see in The Aftermath, and you can tell by the way he keeps glancing at you in the arcade that he already knows what’s transpired between you and Steve. You’re not sure if it’s the telltale sign of the obvious breakup look you’re sporting, or if it’s Steve’s own admittance to the teen. Could be a combination of the two though. You looked in the mirror before leaving today. You’re fully aware that you look and feel like shit, and there’s no way to sugarcoat that.

Normally, Dustin would come to chat with you. Whether he’s with the rest of the party or by himself, he always says hello. He would do it before Steve, and you hoped that he’d do it after too. Dustin doesn’t say hello though, he avoids your gaze when you catch him looking your way, and even though you know at one point, he should come to you to complain about a machine he just leaves instead. The act makes you sad, it’s the first divide between the friendships you created and thought you would get to hold on to. Dustin might be in high school now, but he’s still a kid. Rationally, a piece of you should be able to string together how his silence speaks more about how he doesn’t know what to say and less about a side he’s choosing. Reality rarely ever plays out as it rationally should, so instead Dustin just becomes the first domino that falls, and you feel like you should have known everyone else would go along with him.

______________________________________________________________

The next three weeks find you oscillating like a fan. Days spent hiding in your room, working up the courage to move and take care of yourself. Then nights of work or spent rummaging through polaroids that catalog your relationship. You always told yourself you put them in a scrapbook, something to hold the years together so in old age you’d have something to shuffle through. It sounds silly now, but the pictures sit in a shoebox of movie stubs from the Hawk, the receipt from your first date together, and the paper menu from the diner that you talked a waitress into giving you. There are notes scribbled on lined paper that were slipped into your jacket pockets when Steve would kiss you goodbye as he dropped you off at school, dried flowers from prom, and so much more. After a week of crying over the pieces, ink smudging thanks to fresh tears your body can create again now that you’re hydrated, you manage to shove the shoe box in the back corner under your bed. You had to slide it back there with the broom, but you know it’s not within reach now and that feels like progress.

You still dodge calls from your friends that you collected outside of your relationship. When they manage to catch you on the phone they whisper sweet condolences, but underneath it’s an unspoken blame of how you should have known. “He was the King of the school, he only knows how to break hearts,” your friend Val tells you over the phone one night. Val pops her gum on the other end of the line, and it sets off a chain reaction of emotions. You feel like you’re going through the five stages of grief in that moment. Val tries to invite you out and reminds you that Hawkins has more boys than just Steve Harrington. She promises you a good time, a night to help you forget all about Steve. You make an excuse and promise to go out next time, but both of you know it’s a promise you won’t keep.

Your parents seem to have set up some game plan amongst themselves. They’ve learned that they can’t tell you that your heartbreak is juvenile. Instead, they preach about how open you’ll be to new opportunities when you head to school. Your dad has the course list, where he got it from you don’t dare to ask. He tries to plan out your future over dinner, but you don’t even know what life you want for yourself. Before this you just saw Steve in the future, you had naïvely assumed you’d have time to sort out the rest. But Steve’s in the rearview now, and your parents want to know what life you plan to have in your passenger seat.

It's three weeks of juggling it all, but you still haven’t seen Steve. It should feel like the universe is still on your side, but really, it’s more of a cosmic joke. It should be finally time for some peace, instead, the world feels the need to implode again. Your parents are out of town, an annual get-together with their old college friends, and you’re home alone. It’s late, you’ve only been off work for 20 minutes when you get to the grocery store. The pantry at home is bare bones and you’ve been putting off the need to go shopping for the last three days. You’ve been supplementing meals through various fast-food restaurants on the outskirts of town. But you’re tired of driving so far away, plus the taste of grease has become less and less appealing as the days have dragged on.

The evening finds you shrugging off your name tag from the arcade and running into Bradley’s to do some shopping before they close for the night. The air conditioning hits you right as the doors open, it cools your skin in a way that summer nights never will. You close your eyes and pause for a moment, maybe you look crazy, but it’s late and you don’t anticipate anyone else is going to be poking around the store. You grab a cart and you’re on your way, trying to be mindful to be quick because you know how it feels to work a closing shift. You wander up and down the aisles of the store, with no real list in mind just grabbing what sounds good. Your diet is still in a post-break-up mode which means you’re either only consuming junk food or pushing food around on your plate still too sad to eat. Which means, it’s time to be gentle with yourself and just grab the food that calls to you. Now is not a time for healthy eating and hitting every food group on that pyramid they went over in health class.

Because of this though you aren’t paying attention to what’s in front of you. You move through the aisles of the store with your eyes on the shelves, still having confidence in the fact that it’s just you and the store clerk in here. But remember, Hawkins likes to implode both literally and emotionally. You swing your cart into the next aisle, already excited to be browsing the cereal options. You only make it a handful of steps forward, eyes already searching for the cinnamon toast crunch which you’re rarely allowed to bring into the house otherwise your mom will complain. Your cart jolts and pushes you back, and you look up to find that you’ve hit another person’s cart.

You feel silly, and your cheeks are warm in an embarrassed flush. “I’m so sorry,” the words tumble out as you drag your gaze up to see what suburban mom you’ve managed to piss off tonight. When you see who it is though you find yourself wishing it was a mom about to yell at you, instead it’s Steve, you find yourself in front of. He says your name, a hint of surprise, and what you might have previously labeled as nervous energy. You must look stupid, both of you really, just standing in silence as the hum of the grocery store lights buzz on and the radio station the store is set to plays out louder than it should. Steve’s cart is full of popcorn, and snacks that you can trace to each teen you know he babysits, there’s even Robin’s favorite chips and the beer that Eddie likes to drink. All of it slides together and reminds you that it’s Saturday, which means movie night at Steve’s.

You don’t know what to say, and you feel like a deer caught in headlights. Frozen so that you can’t even run to escape the impending collision that is about to take place. It’s Robin rounding around the corner, her voice loud and unapologetic in a way you have always admired. “Hey, dingus, should we grab some ice cream for Erica, or do you think…” her voice trails off as she catches sight of you. “Oh,” and you look to Robin, she raises a hand to give a small wave at you and smile. It’s enough to also jump Steve into movement again, saying your name and you don’t wait to see if there’s more.

You don’t say anything as you turn to leave, though maybe you should have, at least to Robin. But she’s the headlights turning off and giving you the freedom to run. You can eat another fast-food burger tonight, and you hate that you’re just leaving your cart in the middle of the cereal aisle. But you can’t, you won’t just sit there and let yourself wonder that store when it’s obviously not a safe place.

The air conditioning hits you again as you run out the doors. No time to pause this time, and you actually seek comfort in the sticky heat that greets you outside of Bradley’s. The crickets sing to you as you rush to fumble with your keys and drive away before your past tries to catch you outside. You got three weeks of no Steve, and you had been lulled into this fantasy of maybe being okay someday soon. This though, this small interaction, where you didn’t even really talk to him, has shown that you’re not close to that. When you finally manage to pull into your driveway, your hand bangs down on the steering wheel. You mumble to yourself, “that was so stupid, you just ran?”

You’ll eventually make your way into the house about 15 minutes later, after you had completely gone over the entire interaction about three times. You know it will continue to replay all night long. It’ll be inside that you realize you never even stopped to get food, too focused on seeking the safety that you can apparently only find in your room these days. Time drags on and you keep opening and closing the fridge and the cabinets hoping that food will magically appear the next time you start looking. It’s late, Bradley’s will have to be a tomorrow you type of goal. You know Steve and the group will be up late tonight which means the morning will be safe.

You’ve resigned that tonight’s dinner will be a pack of saltines you find buried in the back of the pantry when there’s a knock on your door. Your friends know not to show up unannounced, and if your parents managed to come home early, they wouldn’t be knocking. It’s Hawkins, you remind yourself as you creep to the door, but then the additional it’s Hawkins kicks in and there could be anything waiting for you. You grab your mom’s tennis racket from the closet by the front door and peek out the peephole, but your porch light isn’t on, and you can’t see anything. When you open the door, tennis racket at the ready, there’s no one there. Instead, sitting on the mat right in front of your door is three bags of groceries from Bradley’s.

The bags contain all the items you remember dumping into your cart, including the added addition of one box of cinnamon toast crunch. You can’t prove it, there’s no note, but you don’t really need it do you? There are only two people who would have had access to the cart you left behind, and only one of those two would have added in your favorite cereal. An internal debate rages inside of you, one side of you wanting to leave the food on your porch. Hoping that maybe later Steve will drive by and see it still sitting there. Maybe it will be an ounce of the hurt he's inflicted on you. The other part of you though, the part whose stomach is literally just growling at the prospect of food, wins out. You drag the bags inside and spend the night cycling between the incident in the store and what the bags of food on your porch mean.

The next day feels like a relapse, and you find yourself pacing by your phone, the internal debate to call Steve rages on in your mind. The number of times you pick up that phone and start to punch in his number is too many to count. There’s only one time when you get through the whole number, you only let it ring once before you’re slamming the phone back down and rushing off to your room. You throw yourself onto your bed, face first into your pillow, and you scream. It feels like every emotion that’s been building up since that night in Steve’s car just forces its way out of you. You spend the rest of your day in bed, Don’t Dream It’s Over plays on repeat as you stare at your ceiling and only recognize time passing by the light that streams in from your window.

When your parents come back a week later you say that you want to leave Hawkins earlier after all. They don’t even ask why you changed your mind. They don’t press the issue, which you figured they wouldn’t, but it still stings. instead, they celebrate. Your mom pulls you into her arms and excitedly tells you that it’s the second-best decision you’ve ever made. Your dad chimes in about how the first was applying to college in the first place, his hand feels heavy on your shoulder. The smile you wear feels like it was pasted on, like some macaroni art piece a kindergartener does. Your parents don’t notice though, they never do, they move on already making plans about your departure. The choice doesn’t feel right, but then again, you’re not really sure what the right choice is any more or how it should feel.

______________________________________________________________

You spend the rest of your summer forcing yourself into spaces you don’t want to be in, but it feels like you have to. You got to parties with Val, you spend summer days at the pool with your friends as you planned. It may not be all the friends that you had anticipated being with but it’s something. You feel like with each activity you do you’re adding another band-aid to your heart hoping that this time maybe it’ll stay together. There are times, like at the community pool, when you sit with your friends, and you don’t really feel there. It feels like you’re playing a part and you’ve never been a good actress, so you’re still surprised when everyone just believes it.

Time and life keep moving forward and you wish it felt like you were too, but you still feel stuck. Your parents think that time won’t start moving until you’re away at college, and your friends believe that you need to start dating someone new to feel like you’ve moved on. You don’t think any of them are right but again you’re still stuck wondering what the right move is and how it’s supposed to feel.

What you do manage is to only catch glimpses of Steve for the rest of the summer. You see him at the movies dropping the party off, and you catch him one day leaving Family Video when he’s stayed too late. There’s another day at the grocery store, where you find yourself hiding behind a display stand to avoid the awkward run-in. You see him but you don’t think he ever sees you. You’re not sure if that’s exactly what you want, but if it is then why does it still also ache? A week before you leave you seek Steve out. You spend the morning giving yourself a pep talk, you take the time to perfect your outfit and ensure that you look better than you feel. This encounter is in your control, and you want to make sure it all goes off without a hitch.

You march into Family Video. You’ve been waiting for Robin to leave for her break and for a lull in customers to happen. When all the stars align you take a deep breath, shake out the nerves and move forward with purpose. You have a week left in Hawkins and all your teen magazines have told you that if you want to start college off right you need closure.

The bell above the door rings out in a way that feels louder than you remember. You don’t let it stop you though, you move forward and watch with some satisfaction as Steve’s head pops up and surprise washes over his face. Good, you think to yourself, finally, he knows what it’s like to be ambushed. You’ve planned out what you want to say so once you’re at the counter you speak before Steve can completely derail you.

“Harrington,” the last name comes out a lot calmer than you thought it would, you feel confident. “I leave for school next week…”

“Next week?” Steve interrupts, he looks like he has more to say but you send a glare his way which is enough to have him holding back words. If you paused long enough to just stare at him, you might wonder if he's disappointed, but you don't let the silence linger long enough to notice.

“As I was saying, I leave next week for school, and you owe me some type of closure or explanation for what happened. I’ll be at the diner tomorrow night, 7 pm and I expect you to show up.” You’re proud of yourself, your voice has an edge to it that leaves no room for disagreement.

Steve just says your name and he says it in the same soft way he did when you first started dating. You feel ruffled and some of that confidence feels like it’s being washed down a drain somewhere. “No,” you interrupt him. You can feel the tension in your forehead, you know your brows are furrowed and the frown on your face is reflecting your real emotions instead of some mask you’ve been wearing.

“You just dumped me, out of the blue and you gave me no explanation. I’m leaving next week, and you owe me this. You don’t get to dump me, say that you don’t care for me, and then leave groceries on my doorstep, Steve.” Something in your words must hit a soft spot that you know Steve still has inside of him. Even if his feelings for you are long gone, Steve has always been gooey and soft like caramel on the inside.

“Yeah, okay. I’ll be there.” You stare at him a moment longer, trying to figure out if you’re getting an honest response. Once you’re sure you are you nod and turn to leave. When you were dating you never liked saying goodbye to Steve, it was always a see you soon. Now when you leave there’s no goodbye, but it’s more because you don’t want to waste another word on him. Not when you need to prepare for tomorrow.

______________________________________________________________

The next night finds you showing up at the diner first. The waitress recognizes you and tells you it’s been a while since she’s seen you. You don’t have the heart to tell her the reason why, you just smile and walk to the booth that used to belong to Steve and you.

You don’t feel as prepared for your conversation tonight as you would like, but you do feel less fragile. Somewhere between yesterday and today, you’ve managed to slide into the anger stage of your grief. There are times when you’re not sure if you’re going to just hit Steve as soon as you hit him, or worse. Worse is that small intrusive thought that you have about kissing him one last time. It’s weird because you’re so angry, the angriest you think you’ve ever been before. You feel like a pot that was left on a burner too long, just boiling over the edge and sizzling when you hit the stove eye.

And yet, behind all that anger there’s still the part of you that loves Steve. That piece of you can’t even remember the last time you kissed. You have fuzzy memories of when it might have happened. Maybe a goodbye kiss as he dropped you off at home, something that happened underneath his comforter as you both tried to hide away from the world a little longer. Either of those or something more is possible. It’s just... how were you supposed to know you needed to remember it? You think that maybe this time if you knew it was the last, you’d feel more prepared this time. Maybe it’ll help you feel better.

You slide the salt shaker between your hands, watching as it glides over the table as smooth as butter. Another glance at the clock tells you that Steve is late, Steve who was never late to anything that had to do with you before. The heat starts to turn up, and you feel more and more like that roaring boil of the pot. Twenty minutes after the hour he was supposed to be there the bell chimes above the door.

You don’t give in to the urge to look, you watch the salt continue to glide over the table. You know already it’s Steve because that same waitress is telling him that his girlfriend is at the regular booth. Steve doesn’t even correct her, at least not that you can hear. Steve slides into his seat as easily as the salt continued to glide on the table. All the anger you felt feels like it whooshes out of you. You go from feeling like a boiling pot to a balloon that was blown up and then let go before the air could be sealed inside.

As you sit across from him, the silence stretching on like the miles on an interstate you find yourself spiraling. People, mostly your friends and parents, have implied that it was childish of you to assume that your relationship with Steve would be anything long-term. And maybe you were, maybe somewhere in it all you got swept up in teenage fantasies. Sitting across from him though reminds you how it happened. For all the pain he’s caused, Steve Harrington is still the prettiest sight you’ve ever seen.

The people of Hawkins can gather and label you as simple-minded for all you care. Slap a label on you and shelve you in the town library with all the other romance novels, you don’t care. Because for all that they say you saw yourself creating a future with this man in front of you. Sure, maybe you romanticized it all, but God… you would have married Steve if he had given you a chance.

It’s that thought that spurs you back into the anger portion of The Aftermath. Because you didn’t build your relationship up by yourself. Steve was there too, he’s the one that layered the cement for your foundation. Steve with his endless flirting, his soft compliments, his whispered promises of forever. And even at the end, Steve left you with no explanation for this exit he took. And you can’t start your journey until he finally tells you why.

“You never really gave me a why for what happened at the end. I hate that it’s been months and I can’t let go of you, and maybe I’m just oversharing here, maybe I cared more, but I have to know. Steve, what the hell happened to us?” You’re surprised how quickly the words come out, but you’re pleased that they sound so tough. If Steve is surprised that you had to break the silence, he doesn’t show it.

“We’re young, this wasn’t going to be forever.” Steve’s voice isn’t loud, but it feels like it echoes in the diner. You want to sink into the vinyl of the booth, but you know you can’t.

“See, you say that but,” you take a breath to collect yourself to figure out how you say this all. “We talked about plans, Steve.” You look up, it’s easier to stare into the fluorescents than into Steve’s eyes. Your nerves make themselves known as you feel your fingers picking at the dry skin around your nails.

“Maybe somewhere along the way, I was looking farther into the future than you were. And if I was then I guess that’s on me.  But I didn’t even know forever was an option until you gave me the words to use.” You shake your head like it’ll knock away your disbelief. Your gaze drifts from the lights to your hands gathered on the top of the table now.

“There was that time,” You lay your hands flat on the table hoping the action will stop the nerves from expanding. “We had only been together for like 4 months, and it was that really rainy day?” It’s a question, a quick uptake that doesn’t need an answer. You finally look to Steve again, waiting for some recognition to spark in his mind before you bulldoze on.

“We stayed in your bed for hours, wrapped up in one another. It was the laziest and softest day we had since we started dating. And there was that moment, and you told me that you wanted pause time.” A grimace of a smile forms, and it’s a bitter laugh that accompanies it. “You wanted to stay in that moment forever, do you remember that?”

Steve, who has been so emotionless through your every moment since you broke up, seems to finally crack. You watch emotions slide out of him as you wait for a response.

“I remember.” It’s a whisper, a barely audible acknowledgment of your past. If words could hold weight though, if they could carry more than a sound, you think those two would weigh a ton. They sound heavy at least, and for once you’re happy you don’t have to offer to carry them for Steve.

“So, when did that change?” You press on, encouraged by his response.

“I wish I could tell you. I wish there was a day or a time if that would help you. It was slow, and then it was just there and so I ended it.” Steve’s response is a rush of words, and his gaze isn’t even on you. It all collides together like a car crash. And just like a car crash once the collision hits, you can’t look away from it. It feels like a tragedy, and you know you shouldn’t stare, but human nature is human nature, and you can’t change that. Maybe there’s more to say after his confession but instead, Steve leaves without saying goodbye. His departure is quick and you calling his name is the only thing that follows him.

You stay stuck in that booth for a while, Steve’s words rolling around in your head like a tumbleweed. This was supposed to be closure, but it doesn’t feel like anything has been closed. You feel like you’re trying to piece a puzzle together but some of the pieces are still missing. Steve is the only one that has them but he’s refusing to let you see them, so you don’t even know what you’re trying to put together.

A small nagging part of you feels like there’s still more to this. Like something bigger is at play. But if Steve isn’t willing to share with the class despite all your opportunities for him to do so you’re at a loss. You have to, at a certain point, accept the fact that this is an unknown portion that you’ll never get answered. You hate that, hate how bitter it tastes, but you have no other choice than to find a way to work towards it. Because if nothing else, this night has shown that you can’t keep this candle burning when someone is actively blowing it out. It’s time to snuff the flame out yourself. You want to hope that maybe it’ll be easier once there’s some distance between Steve and yourself. Maybe if you’re no longer hiding from him at the grocery store that door that feels like it’s still wide open will start to close and you can move on.

______________________________________________________________

The day before you leave feels like a round of goodbyes. You hadn’t told anyone besides Steve that you’d be leaving early. Your friends are surprised, and you smile and tell them you’re just excited. Steve had always been your secret keeper, the only one that knew the fear you had around going to college. So, you know your lie will go over smoothly with your friends, and just like you’ve been doing for the remainder of the summer your mask of ‘I’m fine’ will help sell the story more.

It's the kids and Robin that you feel the most torn on, the ones that you struggle with when it comes to a goodbye. The breakup fractured a lot of things in your life, and it feels like maybe you lost them all somewhere this summer. They were never really yours though, so how you could have lost them you’re not sure. In the end, you solidify your resolve and even if it means nothing to them it does mean something to you. You’ve already worked your last shift, and yet you sit in the shared parking lot of your former work and the only place you’re guaranteed to find everyone you need all at once. Since the mall is long gone, this is the best place to be on a hot summer day. Unless you want to share the pool water with the rest of the Hawkins. You wait, you let Steve leave for his lunch, and you take that as your moment.

There’s no speech planned, nothing too major in your goodbye. Robin’s surprised face is what greets you when she looks towards the bell ringing. A soft exclamation of surprise escapes her and she looks confused. “I don’t want to waste your time,” you find yourself telling her. This is the quietest you’ve ever seen Robin.

“I just wanted to say goodbye. I know you’re his friend, and we haven’t really talked since… Well, you know when, but sometimes you felt like my friend too and so I just wanted to say goodbye before I left and that I’m sorry I didn’t say anything to you before this.”

All your words sound so unsure, and you feel like you should be phrasing questions instead of just statements.

Silence hangs over the store, and you feel like if you don’t leave it’s just going to grow more awkward. “Okay, well then.” You mumble to yourself, and you force a smile and a wave before you turn to go. You make it to the door, it’s open and you are half in the heat and half in the air conditioning when Robin finally speaks.

“I’m sorry,” it’s not what you expect, and you throw a glance over your shoulder. Her face reflects the apology she’s given you. “We were friends, it’s just-” You shake your head and interrupt.

“It’s okay, Robin. He was your friend first, I’m glad that he had you and the kids.” You smile, and it feels real this time. “Maybe when I get back for winter break, we could be friends again?”

 “I’d like that.” Robin matches your smile, and her nod is enthusiastic. You wave one last time and head fully out into the heat, you’ve got one more stop right next door and then your goodbye tour of Hawkins will be over.

The kids are right where you expect them. Tangled together around one of the games, with Max behind the controls. You wait until the losing screen comes on before addressing them. Your goodbye with the kids is just as short as your one with Robin. “You know I’m kind of gonna miss watching you all hold these games hostage,” Your tone is cheerful, not at all scared like you feel inside. The kids are quick to turn around and it’s Will that matches your tone when he calls your name. Will has always been the kindest of the bunch, and he’s quick to hug your side while everyone else smiles and says hello.

Max is the one to break the greetings, always the most impulsive of the group. “What are you doing here, do you work today?”

“Uh no, actually I came here looking for you guys.” You feel like you stumble over your words, especially as Mike gives you the most suspicious look you’ve ever seen him throw your way. He’s always hard to please, but you feel like maybe you shouldn’t have added him to the goodbye tour after all.

“I just wanted to say goodbye, I know we haven’t talked this summer but still.” You find yourself shrugging as you finish talking.

“You’re leaving already?” It’s Dustin this time, and you find yourself surprised. He hasn’t talked to you since the breakup, and you assumed that would carry over to this conversation. His tone sounds disappointed, and you find yourself feeling guilty for a reason you can’t name.

“I leave tomorrow,” there’s a chorus of groans and refusals that leave the kids. Something like regret swells up because sure these were Steve’s kids first, but they were kinda yours too. You knew them before Steve and had a whole weird dynamic with them before you even knew Steve worked next door. A part of you feels like you messed up this summer by not making more of an effort with them.

“I’m sorry about this summer,” the expressions they turn your way feel like they know too much for kids who are too young to be wrapped up in your love life drama. “We’re sorry too,” Lucas tells you. “You have nothing to apologize for okay,” you look at each one of them, the look on your face leaves no room for argument. It’s always worked with the group.

“Maybe when I get home for winter break, we could all do something together?” You offer them the same olive branch that was extended to Robin. Everyone, Mike included you’re happy to note, nods their head. You find yourself ruffling Will’s hair, he’s still the closest to you. “It’s a plan,” you tell them. “I’ll let you get back to the game, make sure you keep that top spot!” Max tells you not to worry about it, a smirk already forming on her face. You give them all one last smile and make your way out of the building.

You think you’re done, and you feel as at peace as you think you can manage under the circumstances of it all. You unlock the door of your car, plans already in mind for what is left to pack up for the trip tomorrow when someone is calling out your name. You look up and find Dustin running towards you. You meet him part of the way, and he’s throwing his arms around your waist and squeezing you tight. There’s a huff of surprise that forces its way out upon the impact, but you don’t hesitate as you return the hug.

His voice is muffled, and you rub soothing circles on his back. “Dustin, I can’t understand you.” You keep your voice soft like you’re talking to a startled animal. It’s just a moment before he pulls back, and you’re met with a teary face. “I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you this summer,” Dustin’s words are rushed and come out as almost one sound. You find yourself shushing him and pulling him in for another hug. “You’re all good, it’s okay.”

You give him a minute to just feel his big feelings before you push him back. Your hands rest on his shoulders and you find you don’t have to bend down too far to meet his gaze. You wonder when he started getting so tall and remind yourself it was probably sometime this summer.

“Dustin, I’m not mad or upset or anything okay?” You wait for him to nod along to what you’re saying. “I’m sorry you got caught up in all this,” there’s enough stress on sorry that you think it could take off like a jet with the force you’re pushing it out. “Steve and I were the adults, you shouldn’t have been caught up in the middle, okay?”

Dustin looks like he’s going to argue, “No arguments! This was between us, and we should have made that clear.” Dustin stares at you for what feels like a minute before he nods.

“I’m gonna miss you,” is what Dustin tells you next. “Keith is never gonna be as cool as you. Whose going kick all the older kids off the games for me?” You laugh, happy to see him joking with you now.

“I’m going to miss you too, kid.” You give his shoulders a squeeze, “I’m going to give you a secret, use it responsibly, okay?” Dustin gives you an excited look and nods his head quickly, “I promise,” he says.

“If Keith gives you any trouble, just tell him that you know about Lucy.” Dustin has questions you can tell. “Keith won’t ask you to tell him, he’ll be too embarrassed. If he asks how you know, then you just tell him I told you. He’ll do whatever you want.”

There’s a part of you that feels like maybe you’ve given him too much power, but Dustin’s always been a smart kid and Keith has always been a dick to him, so you don’t feel too much remorse. Someone should be benefiting from the information anyway, and Dustin feels like the right one out of the party to hold on to the information.

“With great power comes great responsibility,” You quote to him, it’s a quip he used to tell Steve all the time before you started dating. Something from a comic book if you remember correctly.

Dustin’s smile is blinding, “You were always too cool for him you know, it’s his loss.” You smile and hope it doesn’t come off as sad as it feels. “Thanks, Dustin.”

You ruffle his hair, just like you had done to Will. Dustin bats at your hands and you push him toward the arcade, “Go spend time with your friends. I’ll see you in December.”

Dustin starts to go but turns back just as quickly. “You promise?” The happiness that had been there before has been replaced with worry again. “I pinky promise,” you hold out your pinky to show him you’re serious. Dustin comes back just to seal the promise and then waves goodbye again returning to the arcade.

The next morning, when every spare inch of space in your car is covered in your belongings, you finally feel like you could actually leave this place feeling okay. Things are not at all the way you thought they would be when the summer first started. You also still feel a weird sort of dread about attending college, but it feels like you could conquer it. If you could do this, this weird limbo break-up, then you think college can’t be that bad.

Your parents aren’t going with you. Despite their excitement and all the ways they’ve pushed you into this decision, they have both told you they feel you have to do this alone. Everything is set up for you, your dad has given you a paper with your new address on it and a credit card for emergencies. You know in both their eyes they’ve done their job as your parents. They’ve paved the way for success and now it’s your responsibility to make them proud.

It feels fitting that you leave Hawkins the same way you started the summer, all alone. You tell yourself that this is what you need. You tell yourself a lot of things as you make your way to the town line. You try not to look in the rearview mirror, too afraid that you’ll see everything you’re leaving behind and change your mind. You remind yourself it’s a few months, and that you can do this. You just hope that you aren’t lying to yourself. You may not feel happy, but you also don’t feel completely numb either. Maybe that’s the right type of progress though.

[ambiguouspuzuma]

Crooked

They identified the body by her dental records. Her bag was full of them.

"Well, she was definitely some kind of dentist." Detective Sidwell dropped the copies back to the desk. "That should make the identification easier."

"Dr Jane Doe." Sidwell's colleague, Detective Lita, was inspecting the other crime scene photographs. The gory ones. "With a nice big cavity, it seems - carved right in the middle of her chest. She bled out all over the place, although she'd probably say that's because she didn't floss."

"What are we thinking for our suspects?" Sidwell asked, ignoring the jokes. One of them had to stay professional, to focus on the job at hand - and somehow that burden always seemed to fall to him. "A colleague? Patient?"

"No, it looks pretty frenzied to me."

"I'm serious."

Lita took a moment to think it through. "I don't see it, to be honest. I know people hate going to the dentist, but not to the point of murder. In fact, I'll bet you it's nothing to do with her job at all. Dentists can get stabbed for the same reasons as anybody else, right? A fight over her love-life, a mugging gone wrong, heading down the wrong alley at the wrong time, that sort of thing."

"I'll take that action," Sidwell said, holding her to the bet. Professionalism had its merits, but the job could get pretty bleak if they didn't find their own ways to keep things light. "What's your wager? Buy me a coffee?"

"Sure, you can pick me up a latté from the new place downtown." Lita smiled her crooked smile, her teeth stained brown from coffees past. No sugar, though. I wouldn't want to be disrespectful."

With his compensation agreed, Sidwell knuckled down to work on the case. He knew he'd need to do the lion's share of the investigation, as he always did, and the bets were a way of getting something out of it. Or motivating Lita to put a shift in, when it looked like things weren't going her way. She wasn't often too focused on following up leads, but could roll her sleeves up when a bet was in the balance.

Theirs was an unusual partnership, and certainly not an equal one. Lita's lack of professionalism extended far beyond the jokes, and Sidwell often felt that she was less of a help than a liability. He was left to follow up forensics requests she'd forgotten to send, rewrite notes which she'd misplaced on the landfill site that she called a desk, and generally carry her through the working day.

She sometimes apologised, or thanked him with a drink, but showed no sign of trying to be better. Even on this case, charged with catching a murderer, she seemed disinterested in the details. A savaged corpse was enough motivation for Sidwell to chase down every suspect, and he wondered what exactly it would take to capture Lita's attention in the same way. If even this case failed to move her, he didn't understand why she'd wanted to become a cop in the first place.

"Tell me again," Lita asked. "You think she was some sort of orthodontist?"

"A rogue one, according to these reports. She messed up people's teeth intentionally, just so they wouldn't match their dental records. That's why she had so many in her bag. It looks like some local crime ring hired her to sort out their goons, so that they'd never be identified if they were killed."

It had been a tough one for Sidwell to get his head around - it felt like getting laser eye surgery to make yourself more short-sighted, or asking a plastic surgeon to add more wrinkles to your forehead, but it did seem to make sense from the perspective of a killer. If teeth could be reshaped at will, anybody on the system could be fitted with a brand new set, removing any prospect of a match. It was certainly easier than having to dissolve them.

He hadn't realised how often the police relied upon dental records to identify bodies - especially those who'd been disposed of carefully, with the rest of the face disfigured and hands removed - or quite how malleable those patterns were. It was like if there was a whole industry for designer fingerprints or DNA, shaping perfect whorls and helixes, and the state still treated them like unique identifiers. How many past matches had they missed because of Jane Doe's meddling? Even she could be on their database somewhere, hidden behind an unrecognisable overbite.

"A heterodontist, if you will." Lita brought him back to the present.

"No."

"I didn't realise the mob had a dental plan. So what are we thinking? One of the grunts saw their disappearance coming, and swung by to give her a stainless steel filling?"

"This feels like a professional hit. Maybe the higher-ups, if she knew too much. But either way, this isn't just a random attack, right? She's not been murdered for something unrelated to all those murders she helped to cover up. You have to concede that would be too big of a coincidence."

"Yeah, yeah, I know what you're saying," she conceded, hands up in mock surrender. "I'll buy you your drink. Where do you want to go?"

Even then she dragged her feet. Lita made him wait outside whilst she went back to get her jacket, then spilt his coffee at the first attempt and had to go back to the counter to replace it. Sidwell might think her a sore loser, if she wasn't like this about literally everything. Even when he finally had the cup in his hand, he suspected that she'd somehow got his order wrong.

"What's in this drink?" He recoiled at the first sip, but went back for a second. It wasn't unpleasant, exactly - just unexpected. Notes of almond, and something he couldn't quite place. "You just asked for normal milk, right?"

She shook her head. "I added a couple of shots. You deserve a little treat."

"That's not going to be good for my teeth."

"I'm sure our victim will forgive you." Lita grinned, as if to prove his point. "You're the one who was right about her, so you're allowed a little indulgence."

Sidwell tried to be polite, to set an example to her as much as anything. No wonder she'd been at the counter for longer than usual. The coffee wasn't awful, if he ignored the other flavours. Was this what she went for every day? He wondered if the sugar was to blame for her performance, which alternated from erratic to lethargic, like a hyper child who crashed in the afternoons.

Lita watched him drink in silence for a while, then seemed to find the courage for a question.

"Do you think that I'm incompetent?"

Sidwell weighed it up - probably for a second too long. So this was why she'd wanted them to grab a drink together, one way or another. She needed to talk about her career, away from the precinct. "I wouldn't use that word."

"So what word would you use?" she pressed. "Competent?"

"Well... okay, maybe not. Sorry."

Lita nodded. "No, that's good to hear. It'll work on the next guy."

"Huh? Are you transferring from the squad?" Sidwell tried to feign dismay, but knew that she'd always been the better liar. "Is this goodbye?"

"Sure," she said. "Call it a leaving drinks."

"You don't want something?" He gestured with his cup before another deep sip. "Gods, this is potent stuff."

"Only the best for my old partner." She sat back, watching him with something almost like nostalgia in her eyes. "A way of apologising, I suppose. How many of our cases have I delayed, or outright obstructed?"

"Oh, I wouldn't say obstructed," Sidwell told her, trying to find something nice to say. The truth was that she'd often been as much a hindrance as a help, and he'd be glad to get a better partner in her place. "That suggests that you were doing it on purpose. You were just... there's a lot to learn. I'm sure that you've always tried your best."

"That's right," Lita said, although she didn't seem too worried about it. "And if criminals profited from my mistakes, even the failed prosecutions, that's just because I was learning the ropes."

"Yes, I'm sure it's something like that." It didn't sound great when she said it. They were supposed to be detectives. Not for the first time, Sidwell wondered how she'd earnt such a sacred responsibility, or why she'd even wanted it. "But that's why you have a partner. To support you."

"Like you've almost solved this dentist case, all on your own."

"Almost, yeah."

"And you're sure it was a professional hit, from the group she did the work for? There's nothing I say that can persuade you otherwise?"

"I'm sorry, but no," Sidwell said. "You can check out the other angles if you like, and I'd never dissuade you from doing so, but I'm pretty convinced by my current leads. Why, do you know anything you haven't shared?"

"Of course not," Lita said, lying through her crooked teeth. Had he ever noticed quite how bad they were? "You've won me over. That's why we're here, right? I'm sure your theory is correct, and you'll get their names in due course. You just enjoy the rest of your drink to celebrate. Like I said, you deserve it - every last sip."

[bookshelf-in-progress]

Director's Cut of "Good Rich Earth" please?

"Good Rich Earth" is one of the easiest writing experiences I've ever hand. This one just flowed. No hesitation. No laboring over words. I don't know if I've ever had a story come this easily.

I had zero intentions of writing a retelling of "The Secret Garden". Then you mentioned the potential for a fantasy retelling, and I instantly started wondering how such a thing could be done.

You taught me that a proper Secret Garden retelling has to center around childhood emotional neglect, so it quickly turned to sci-fi, because the first line that came to me was, "Raised practically by robots, the poor thing!"

With that, I had my premise. Mary was raised on a military space station by parents who left her in the care of robot nannies. She'd never been on a planet. (I've long wanted to write a story involving space-raised children who have culture shock when they come to a planet, and this fit perfectly.) The story would involve her coming to appreciate the wonders of nature.

Then I just started writing. Instantly. (This was much more appealing than the Chesterton Challenge idea I had originally sat down to write).

When writing about the bleak landscape of Mary's new home, I decided that this would be a ruined post-apocalyptic Earth, to make the landscape seem bleaker and more hateful to the newly-arrived Mary, and the Secret Garden seem more wondrous by comparison. I sometimes wonder if that was the right choice, because I put zero thought into what kind of apocalypse it was, beyond giving it the appallingly generic label of "The Disasters", and this layer might interfere too much with the rest of the story. But it does tie in with the original's themes of recovering from neglect and learning to care for others--the entire planet has been neglected and needs care to come back to life.

I just love how that paragraph about Mary hating everything about Earth allowed me to provide so much worldbuilding and characterization so easily.

I share Ben's disdain for hydroponics.

(Once I finished the draft, I skimmed it in search of ideas for titles. I was surprised to find that Ben's rant contained the perfect one--he's talking about dirt and gardening, but it also works in reference to Mary coming to appreciate the goodness of the planet Earth.)

It's interesting how I was able to keep the story and exposition flowing by just bringing in character voices (like Martha's explanation about the garden) without giving them actual scenes. It's something I didn't even think about--it just happened, and I don't know how, since it's not my usual style. It probably only works because this is a fanfic one-shot where you're expected to know the characters already.

And then I just kind of dither along, stretching out a story with Mary doing nothing but walking outside. I probably leaned too much on the robin finding things. After describing the way the door appears, I have a tough time believing Mary didn't find it on her own--why does a robin's wing set it off and not Mary walking around the wall?

You can probably see me flailing to find ways to make this sci-fi, making up tech on the fly. I mostly justified it, I think--the hologram roof's a bit of a stretch. Maybe the door, too. But that seems like something that would be good to have if you could pull it off (though I really hope there are safety features that keep people from being locked inside without a key). I do love that Mary's space station experience gives her the knowledge to open the Secret Garden's door.

I do like that description of the Secret Garden. I tried not to draw too much from any previous description/depiction of it, and I was careful not to use plant names, because Mary wouldn't know any of them. I think it managed to show the garden without getting too long-winded/flowery.

Of course I had to end by describing the garden as magical.

[hawke-jpg]

At @moominhands behest here is my game list thing! <3 Reasoning under the cut:

Favorite game of all time: If i absolutley have to pick one it'd have to be Shadow of the Colossus, tho runners up are definitely ICO, FNV, Okami, Windwaker and Twilight Princess. it's hard to choose just the one honestly there's so many more too, but this game was so influential and i sunk so many hours into just exploring the world and taking in every tiny detail, it and ICO really changed my perspective on games in general.

Favorite Series: Dragon Age, it's camp and has a lot of issues, but it gave me extreme brain rot and i love it a lot.

Best Soundtrack: ICO, this game has barely any music! But when it does, it really goes all out, the resting theme and the erie music before the final boss are my favorites.

Favorite Protagonist: Hawke, from Dragon age 2, this is surprising to absolutely no one.

Favorite Villain: Dormin from SOTC, I love this thing, is it even really a villan? who knows but it's very cool and i love the voice acting for it! runners up are the shadow creatures from ICO for similar reasons and The Master from Fallout 1.

Best Story: Night in the Woods. This was really hard to pick tbh i could've put a few in this spot but this is one of my favorite story focused walking sims and i love to revisit it.

Have not played but want to: Disco Elysium, I've attempted to play this game on console very briefly once but couldn't get used to the controls. Now that i have a PC I'm planning to play it but i need to be in the right headspace for big CRPGs as i find them hard to get into so, i just need to wait till the time is right to play it. I also want to play Hades.

You Love, Everyone Hates: The Last Guardian, everyone hated this game SO MUCH, especially at launch.. Heaps of streaming people who had only ever played Shadow all expected it to be SOTC again but when it turned out to be much closer to ICO with only some elements of Shadow people just hated it so much for what it wasn't. This game much like ICO can be frustrating at times but it's really good and had a lot of love put into it, the A I of the Creature Trico is especially cool as it learns depending on how you interact with it and becomes more responsive and easy to direct. It's certainly not a game for everyone but it didn't deserve the amount of disdain it received on release.

You Hate, Everyone Loves: (please don't kill me for these I don't actually hate them they're just not for me) Kingdom hearts, I tried multiple times to play these games and i just couldn't get into them, they're just not for me i think, i don't really find the gameplay or story elements particularly engaging. Sad! a lot of my friends really love these and seem to get a lot out of them. I never had the chance to play them as a kid though so i feel like i may have had different opinions if i'd started playing them earlier. Last of us 2, The weird opinion split when it released between bigots who hated it cause women and queer people were in it and then the other people saying it was the most profound piece of media ever was really frustrating because it kind of shut down a lot of good faith criticism. I think the main problems i have is that it came out in a really depressing time where something with such a bleak and unsatisfying ending came across as a bit gauche even though the devs couldn't have anticipated it. And that there's a bunch of good elements about it that just didn't really stick the landing for me, or were handled poorly imo. Personally the overall message it's going for via it's gameplay and story had already been done, and done better over 10 years prior (see Shadow of the Colossus; Ico was a stated main inspiration for the first last of us and i'm pretty certain Shadow was for part 2 considering the parallels), and it would've been quite ground breaking back then but now it's not so much. Again this is personal opinion of how it's just not really for me.

Best Art Style: Okami! Kind of self explanatory, even on ps2 this game's graphics still hold up because of that art style, and i love how it was incorporated into the gameplay.

Favorite Ending: Zelda: Twilight Princess, love this game, the climactic boss rush and the story conclusion is so good, it's such a long game and the characters go through so much it all really wraps up nicely even with it's melancholic tone. This was the first Zelda game i fully finished so the ending had more of an impact on me too because of that.

Favorite Boss Fight: Crimson Helm, from Okami, this guy is super fun to fight, cool design, great arena, always a good one to revisit.

Childhood Game(s): my first ever game was Duke Nukem DOS on the floppy disk on my dads old computer, it's a side scroller that's sound effects are drilled into my brain. Frogger i got later on the same computer once dad upgraded his for work, it was the first game i ever finished. and Nintendogs i got much later again with the old clunky silver DS, i played this game way too much.

Relaxing Game(s): Lil Gator Game, it's so fun and cruisey to play, really charming and great controls. Flock, I only played this recently but it's so fun, very pretty, you just fly about and spot new creatures to list in your encyclopedia! A Short Hike, really great chill vibes, i love revisiting this one every now and then. Proteus is also a good one.

Stressful Game: Mass Effect 2, I love these games but they're so stressful trying to avoid people dying from random dumb choices you make hours prior omg! 2 is especially bad for it off memory, i remember writing up a strategy sheet for that last big level so i could avoid people dying.

Game you always come back to: Drakan The Ancients Gates, I love this one, it's a bit janky but it's got a really weird and interesting world, with a weird plot and bizzare character design.

Guilty Pleasure: The Dog Island, this game is so silly but i played so much of it as a kid it was kind of ridiculous, so i really enjoy revisiting it every now and then, it's also kind of bizarre in terms of how the story is written.

Tons of Hours Played: Baldur's Gate 3, I've only played it through twice but it's stacked up a bunch of hours, really good tho! others that I've spent way too much time with is Dragon age Inquisition, Animal crossing NH and NL, and of course SOTC but i dont actually have the hour count for that one, i can only assume.

[starseneyes]

Chenford - Lucy Chen / Tim Bradford - The Rookie - Season 5 - Ep 13

Daddy Cop AKA "Friends Don't Let Friends Murder Board… Alone"

After watching 5x13, I really didn't think I could write the Meta until I had 5x14 for additional context. But after taking a step back and re-evaluating my hangups, I found a way. I do hope you enjoy it!

SPOILER ALERT: If you're looking for a nice, safe, spoiler-free zone... I'm sorry, this ain't it. I will spoil the entirety of the episode and perhaps the entire series to date. It's a LOT of fun, though, if you're up for it!

Ready to see what awaits our delightful duo now that Chenford Coitus has been achieved? Let's dive in!

Nobody Puts Timmy In A Corner

Lucy is sitting at the back of Roll Call so she can keep an eye on Tim. He doesn't even have to turn around for her to feel the misery coming off of him, even through the walls.

Tim hates this. But it's what he has to do for love, right?

My Chair is Moving

Like, this was so personal, and yet so sweet. She totally turned his chair toward her, and he was happy to go along because—let's be real—she's the best part of his day.

Seeing Tim without his set up for his camera on his chest is strange. I know it hasn't been there all along series-wise, but it really stood out to me watching this scene. No need for them to monitor what he's doing with the public because he no longer see the public. He sees... part of a window.

It's been one week based on Canon, so we know he's already bored out of his mind... no matter what he tells his girlfriend. (I will never get over getting to call Lucy Chen that! She's Tim Bradford's girlfriend)

"I thought we said we wound never lie to each other."

There are a million conversations happening between these two that we never see. We have fan fiction where we can speculate on it, but at first blush I really appreciated this glimpse into their shared code.

Now, they spend the entire episode going against said code (which I'll get into at the end of this Meta), but I do like that we have insight into what happens when the camera's not rolling between Tim and Lucy.

"That was a lie." "You're miserable."

She knows her man. I mean, anyone paying attention can tell that Tim's having a horrible time working at a desk. Now, he's got productivity up and whatnot, but he's miserable.

We saw him make the sacrifice play in 5x12, but now seeing him living it is akin to us hearing about the Monster that was his father and then meeting the man, ourselves. It's about as bad as imagined, in both cases, but there's something about seeing it that makes it more "real".

Desk work for Tim Bradford is bleak. But, he'll do whatever it takes to be with the woman he loves.

"No. It's not that bad. Nice people. Low stress. Wait, wait that reminds me... next week." "Thank you." "You're welcome. Be safe out there. I'll see you at the end of shift."

I'm reminded of 4x01 when Lucy asked Tim to be careful over the phone. "I always am," he said. This time, it's Tim who's staying in place and Lucy who's on the move.

And the face she gave him when he gave her the thumbs up? Like, "don't give me the bad baseball thumbs up!" She gives him an aghast look, but he follows up quickly enough to reference the end of shift—his happy place.

The same schedule means they can see each other every day, yes, but during the day it's bloody torture for Tim. There was a song in my youth about living for the weekends. Right now, Tim is living for end-of-shift. (originally I typoed to "end-of-shirt" and that kinda works, too, if ya know what I mean)

When she walks away, he exhales, thinking his charade worked. Hell, no, Tim, my boy. Your girl knows when you're hurting. ("I rode long enough with you to know when you are being you and when you're upset")

Lucy is in the best relationship of her life. No way she's going to stand still while he's struggling. This is the ultimate give-and-take. Tim steps back for Lucy, Lucy steps up for Tim.

"I'm just trying to find a way to keep him from losing his mind." "Is there no other position he can move into?" "No. Everything's at a standstill."

Stripping away the "do they know" question (which I cover in the summary at the end of this Meta), I'm going to just talk about Nyla and Lucy watching out for Tim.

Lucy intervening on Tim's behalf is not surprising. She stood up for him against the Sergeant who wasn't taking the fender-bender case seriously. She recorded multiple books-on-tape for him so he could study for the Sergeant's exam. Heck, she helped renovate his home while he was dating Discount Barbie.

So, Lucy stepping up for Tim would never be what raised red flags on their relationship status change. Yes, I expected someone to comment on Tim being "punished" or something if they weren't aware of the relationship, but since they didn't, we work with what we've got.

And what we've got is everyone aware that Tim's in a job he hates and wants out of.

"Alright, well, then you're going to have to shake things up… create an opening... It means you've gotta get creative. Find a weak link and start a 5-player trade." "Say more."

"Say more" cracks me up. It's so smooth and welcoming.

Girlfriend is finally seeing an angle for her "find Tim a new job" plan. It reminds me of her telling him, once, that he's the king of coming at problems from a sideways angle. Looks like the student really has become the master!

"Metro would be a good fit for Tim... I mean, Hicks might be up for a transfer, a bit more family time... if he left Metro, Tim could take his spot."

The one part I skipped over here is the part that I think would be an interesting test for Tim and Lucy—can they navigate the brutal hours?

I tried to look up the LA Metro to get a little more intel (yes, I'm that Meta writer), but information's sparse online in terms of actual timelines for the teams and shifts. There's likely good reason for it ("Hey, coppers! When will you be off the streets so we can pilfer some golden duckets?"), but I had to check. It's the journalist in me.

It's not like we've never seen Metro before on this show. I was watching an episode the other day where they radio'd to call in Metro and we saw a bunch of folks we didn't know in tactical vests show up. They'll find ways to tie Tim in, I'm sure, but I'll be curious to see if/how it affects Tim and Lucy's relationship.

"What could go wrong?" "A lot for both you and Tim. If Sergeants feel like they're being manipulated, they will never trust you again. And they talk. So the next time you need a favor, and you will, the answer will be no. Forever. So, tread lightly."

Will there be any consequences for all this? I've seen the speculation, but I think all this warning did was encourage Lucy to be crafty. See Exhibit A below.

"Uh, listen, my roommate is an excellent babysitter and she's always looking for work if you ever need someone."

Never underestimate the power of childcare. Especially for parents of multiples. I only had twins, and I can still imagine the chaos of that poor man's house and life. It's a gift, yes, but I wouldn't wish twins on my worst enemy.

Every time I see a character on a show having multiples, I wonder who in the Writer's Room hated them, because it's a tough, tough road. I love my boys forever and ever. But it's a unique challenge raising multiples.

And Hicks is intrigued. Because finding people to watch multiples can be a nightmare, too. Trust me. I've been there and tried all the sites before I finally gave up on Brick-and-Mortar and started working for myself.

The Gang's All Here

This was my second favorite scene of the entire episode. I love the Found Family trope. I love that there is this core of people who have decided to not only work together, but to do life together.

I don't have that through any of my brick-and-mortar jobs (mostly back-stabbers and high drama, there), but I do have it from University. 20 years with the best friends in the world. So, I see these scenes and I see my own Found Family reflected there.

As each group files in (and someone over on Twitter noted quite brilliantly how each door opening coincides with a different method of announcement—knocking, ringing, walking right in), it's adding the layers to the scene. It's not convoluted or complicated or cachophonic. It's harmonious.

You can see how all these very different people work together, compliment one another, and fit together into a jigsaw puzzle of friendship.

And to know that Tim's friends band together to come to his aid means so much. But I hate that he doesn't know.

I understand the subterfuge of doing something great for someone you love—orchestrating a great something. My husband did it for me through a four-hour scavenger hunt marriage proposal that took me through several cities before arriving in the theater where we met. He had production meetings for that proposal.

So, I'm not frustrated at the fact that Lucy did this without taking credit for it. I've done things in secret for my loveyby and him for me.

However, I wish Tim knew how much he was loved. I don't think he fully comprehends that yet, and since this wasn't used as an opportunity to demonstrate that to him, I'm hoping that'll come down the line.

Look, when you grow up thinking you're unlovable, it's powerful when your friends come through for you.

My husband and I had to get a new fridge a few months back. Old one died. But we couldn't afford to go through a box store, so we went Outlet and had to transport it ourselves. One friend fractured a finger. Four others worked together to dismantle and reassemble it to get it into the house. It took 2 hours. They had come over for Matthew's birthday party and instead we moved a fridge.

And not one person complained. We all laughed. We took hilarious photos. We had an amazing time. Because, finally, we have people in our lives who love us without condition.

Tim has that, too, but I sometimes think he doesn't fully understand it. I do wish he knew how much they love him and how they all came together to help him as an act of love.

And if he doesn't find out about this, I do hope there's still a time down the line when Tim Bradford will fully realize how much his Found Family loves him.

"Oh, you look surprised. Wait, weren't you on the group text?"

I'm DYING. DYING that they have a group chat and somehow Nolan still missed it. I know he said that he unplugs when he gets home (which is a great thing to do, but I don't know if he'll continue to move up the ranks without being more easy-to-reach). But it really made me cackle.

And I have to say that the choice to put the post-its on the windows so they could shoot through was really genius. My favorite logistical decision of the episode. Credit to the writer, director, set designer, or whoever said, "This is the way".

But Tim's reaction to Nolan throwing up his arm to block his way cracked me up. Like, Eric Winter's physicality as Tim never fails to amuse and amaze.

And Lucy's "where the hell do I put these things!?" face had me rolling. Melissa O'Neil has had a lot of room for humor these past few episodes, and it's fun to see her show off her chops.

"Is that Lucy's car?"

Yes, Tim. And Wesley's, James'. It's a party! But, of course, the only one he cares about belongs to his love.

And how on-brand is it for Tim that he doesn't care about the air conditioning ("air conditioning makes you soft") but he was all about getting to watch the game? I cackled.

Tim clocks Lucy across the room and Angela clocks their interaction, casting knowing glances towards Bailey and Nyla. Hermana, never change. That choice was all Alyssa Diaz and I love it.

"You okay?" "Yeah. Couldn't be better."

It's not a lie! But, she certainly has a lot on her mind, and as soon as he walks into the room, Tim's forgotten the game. He's focused solely on her.

Smitty and Lucy

This is a tiny detail I spotted as Lucy walks into the room, but it made me laugh. The sign on the door has been switched to "occupied" but the door is wide open. Did Smitty set it to occupied but forget to close the door? Did someone else switch the sign to warn of Smitty? The possibilities are hilarious!

And Lucy Chen loves Tim Bradford so much that she's willing to make a blind deal with Smitty, of all people. And does Smitty know about Lucy and Tim? Is he writing fanfiction of the two of them at his desk instead of working?

"Nothing weird." "Nothing weird. I promise."

Because with Smitty, you have to clarify. Still, she's braver than I am to make this deal with zero idea what he'll demand in return for this favor.

"Deal."

Taking your husband's words? I stan a couple who are so in love they pick up on one another's phrasing. I can think of two recent examples of Tim ending a conversation with "Deal" from my re-viewings. With Genny at their family house, and with Lucy when she told him to ask her out, again, after she dumped Dead-Weight-Chris.

So, Lucy's subconsciously picking up on Tim's words, and that cracks me up.

My husband picks up on my phrasing, but it's more obvious because I make up things. Like when our twins were tiny and complaining about random things, I'd call them "Complainababy" and if they were congested they were "Conjestababy". Yes, I understand normal people don't do that. I embrace who I am.

And watch how she flexes her hands as soon as she leaves the room to rid herself of the awful feeling of making a deal with the Smitty. Sorry, Lucy, but there won't be enough hand sanitizer in the world to save you from what he has planned for you.

"Hey." "Hey." "I just heard Lauren Fuji is retiring." "Really? That's surprising."

I have thoughts about this that are at the bottom of the episode notes, so skip there if you want my honest thoughts on this right away. Or you can keep reading the Meta and we'll get to that later.

"Don't you get it? It means there's an opening in Metro. Well, at least there was."

This is the first information to Lucy that's new, and she cocks her head at it. Because it is completely plausible that someone else swooped in and took the position she tried so hard to hand-carve for Tim. And that would suck, but it can totally happen.

And I love the way Tim (via Eric Winter) is punctuating his words, here. Tim is pumped up and excited, and it's so beautiful to see. He has been through so much heartache throughout the run of this show. We've seen Tim Bradford at his lowest.

But now we get to see him on the way up in a big way.

"Lieutenant Pine just called me 15 minutes ago, and I'm going over."

Timothy Bradford, you are gushing with excitement as you talk to your woman. I love how he leans forward toward her, like a kid with a secret that they can't help but share on the playground.

"That's great! Congratulations."

Lucy gives him a chest tap because she is truly excited for her man. I'm a tapper, myself, with my husband. So I think it's cute we share that, me and my fictional bestie.

But, she's also looking around the station to see if anyone noticed.

"Thanks. Grey gave me rock star review." "Well, he should. You're amazing."

Lucy's heart eyes and Tim's smile are sending me. He is smiling with all his teeth and every beautiful laugh line is alight with pure joy.

I'm also strangely excited to learn that Eric Winter's nose wrinkles like mine when he smiles big, sometimes, and that's so oddly comforting. My Eldest's nose does the same thing.

And how telling is it that we've had 5 years of watching Tim Bradford before I knew this little fact about his smile because we have never seen him smile like this before?

"I'm excited." *giggle* "I'm excited!"

There is something so sweet about excitement being such a foreign emotion to Tim that he has to verbalize it. Like it's bubbling out of him at a rate he can't control because he isn't accustomed to joy.

The last time he was happy, he was working the beat and was married to Isabelle. But, I argue, this is joy, not happiness bred of happenstance. Tim Bradford is bubbling with joy.

Professionally, his greatest fear has been advancing to the point that he's trapped at a desk. Tim likes to be on the streets, in the middle of the action, making things happen. Sitting might be great for Smitty, but not for Tim.

He took that hit for the love of Lucy. Now, everything in this episode implies that this was a waystation situation, where Tim was waiting for an opening to make a move. Grey tells him to "hang in there" and Nyla seems completely aware that they're waiting for something to open up to move him over.

His main goal in taking this desk job was to keep Lucy at Mid-Wilshire. The icing on the cake was that they got to see each other every day and didn't have to deal with syncing shifts.

Lucy knew before Tim took the job that he'd be positively miserable. The staging literally has him in a corner with his back to Roll Call, his back to the action, his back to what he loves.

Now, he's moving up to Metro, and it's definitely movement forward in his career, gets him back out on the streets, and keeps his relationship with Lucy from crossing any lines that might warrant an IA investigation.

The Tim Bradford we met in the Pilot was a man whose life was on pause. He was in a holding pattern with his job, with his wife, with his sense of self. Lucy entered his life, and it's like someone pressed "Play", again.

And it wasn't even romantic, at the beginning. Lucy is just this ball of light that stepped into his world. At first, it was blinding to him and he bit back at her as much as she snapped at him. But as she refined her glow, he softened his gaze, and they somehow met in the middle when the time was right.

Tim Bradford today is a man who has faced his trauma with his father head-on. Is there still healing to do? Hell, yeah. But he's on his way, now, instead of repressing and avoiding. He's working on his relationship with his little sister.

He's trying to be a complete human being—not only running from the image of his father, but embracing all the best parts of himself and owning them as his own unique identity.

Tim Bradford is closer to himself than he's been in a long time. Peeling back the layers of anguish, trauma, heartache, and abuse... it's taken time. And Lucy's been there for so much of it. For her to be the love of his life? Only fate (and the writers) could weave the tapestry so aptly.

Tim is excited. He has something to look forward to every day in his job. He has something to look forward to every night with the woman he loves. He's no longer looking back. For the first time in his life, Tim can truly look forward with excitement.

And Lucy's giggle!? I love her giggle. I doubt she's ever seen Tim this giddy and it made her giggle. And, yes, we know that she made that happen.

And, let me tell you, it's fun when you can make something happen for the person that you love. Puts a special warmth in your chest the bubbles out, sometimes.

"Let's go to dinner tonight and celebrate."

The cadence here reminds me of Tim telling Angela to proudly show off her baby belly while wedding dress shopping. It's a type of abandon we've heard in Tim's voice only when directed at other people and never at himself.

Tim wants to celebrate this amazing achievement. He wants to celebrate something amazing that happened to him. Before, he wasn't that jazzed about his award, except for how it could help with his forward momentum. Jackson built a shelf for his (with Nolan's help), and Tim probably has his in the back of his closet.

But Tim was excited about making Sergeant (remember his pride hanging up his new uniform before he opened his locker to see the booties?) and he's proud of this. But, it's amplified because Tim Bradford's life is finally coming together.

Career. Love. Found Family (even if he doesn't yet realize it). Sibling Relationship. Finances (he and Genny made bank on that house sale in the LA Real Estate Market). Tim's life is coming up Roses.

"Do you need any help?"

I have seen a few people disappointed that Tim didn't show up to help her at the end, but he asked her if she needed him and she said she had to do it alone.

He's not going to go against her wishes because he has learned to trust her and her judgment. He knows that if she truly needs him, she will ask. Lucy's far past not asking Tim for what she needs.

He talked out Emmett with her once he understood that's what she needed. He gave her a hug after Jackson's death.

"But tomorrow it is a date. We are gonna celebrate you. Congratulations. They're really lucky to have you." "Thank you."

Tim can't help himself. He reaches for her left hand with his right. He wants to touch her. He wants to be closer to her. Because he has never been this happy.

Lucy giggles as he briefly holds her hand before she separates herself. But, I swear, that man looked like he wanted to kiss her right then and there.

"Good Job!"

She taps his arm, again, as he goes. And, wow, I can't remember seeing Tim smile this much with teeth ever. He's beaming as he watches her go, his eyes trailing after her until the last second he can no longer see her.

He nods to himself. "Yup. That's the woman I'm going to marry." Not right this moment, obviously, because we're all enjoying the ride and there's no rush. But, someday. And he knows it.

I've seen folks worried about his face falling, but I think we're simply unaccustomed to seeing Tim's face resolve to neutral after a big smile. Something about his face threw me back to 5x02, so I went back and looked. And, yup, tears in his eyes, here, too. Tears of joy.

Tim Bradford is joyful, my friends. So full of joy that it's overflowing. And after all the heartache, heartbreak, and pure hell of his life... it makes it all the sweeter.

This man would do anything for her. She would do anything for him. In one another they've found their equal—that one person who meets them where they are in intensity and devotion.

One flame does not overwhelm the other, but they help each other's glow brighter and stronger. When one is dimming, the other provides the light.

This give-and-take is the culmination of years of long nights, early mornings, complex conversations, deep dives, flare ups, cool downs, in-jokes, and trust building. It's fictional, sure, but we're getting to see true love in real-time, and I am so thankful for this ride.

"I'll admit, I've been lax about cleaning it." "How lax?" "Either Clinton or Bush was the president." "Which Bush!?"

I laughed so hard at this line. It cracked me up so bad I didn't even hear the next lines. Of course, I went back and figured it out, but I love Smitty. In small doses, he really does add a bit of levity to the show.

Also, Lucy in a hazmat suit!? The things she does for love.

Because, even though we didn't see Tim and Lucy in a post-coital cuddle-fest, or a shirtless trek through Lucy's kitchen, or even a kiss between these two this week... we're getting to see sacrificial love. Not the kind that gives too much, but the kind that gives-and-takes.

Tim and Lucy are in love (even if they haven't uttered the words, yet). They're demonstrating it through how they treat one another, and it's such a beautiful reminder that relationships are so much more than sex and attraction.

It's about growing together, supporting one another, calling each other on your crap, and finding ways through the hardships of life together.

This is a place where The Rookie really excels. They show couples who work through life together, who love each other even when there is no cozy morning-after because they overslept, or the alarm went off too early, or a dog or kid needs something.

Love is complex and layered, and I love that we're not seeing Tim and Lucy in pound town every week. Like, sure, they're going there, but to see a healthy relationship? That is what both Tim and Lucy have lacked until now.

Tim and Lucy finally have a love that matches their souls. I'm grateful for every morsel of it that we get to see on screen. But just knowing that Tim and Lucy are this unbelievably happy and they're together? That's enough for me.

I used to watch Janeway and Chakotay touch once every 10 episodes and call it a victory. Mulder and Scully danced around each other forever and I was able to cope. So, the scenes we get of Chenford feel like four course meals, and I'm thankful to eat them again, and again, and again. The meals... I mean.

So, what were Rachel's hangups on this one? Lies, Clarity, and Metro. For separate reasons, I got a little stuck on these three.

Lies

I have a big problem with lies, as some readers know. When Lucy and Tim mentioned they promised not to lie to one another and then spent the entire episode lying, it got under my skin.

Now, I'm all for Loving Spousal Surprises. I've given them (my husband's 30th Nerf Battle Surprise Birthday) and received them (4-hr scavenger hunt Engagement).

But hearing the promise at the beginning followed by a whole episode of lying triggered my trauma.

I started writing the Meta and it was too colored by my own experiences. So, I stepped back, deleted everything I wrote, and started fresh with just the bones.

Sometimes, we have to be careful our past prejudices don't ruin our present experiences. At least, that's something I've learned.

Clarity

The ambiguity as to whether the team is in-the-know, oblivious, or pretending-to-be-oblivious regarding Chenford was frustrating. It made it really hard to write because I felt like the cues from the scenes shifted throughout the episode going in multiple directions.

I am not a person who minds that we didn't get a Morning After (plenty of time to see Domestic Chenford), or that we didn't get the DOD Tattoo (it's hers, not theirs), and I wouldn't even mind if we missed seeing everyone find out/announce they know.

From the first scene with Nyla, I thought they were obviously open about their dating. But, then at Nolan's, Angela was giving "knowing" eyes and Tim kept his distance. Then it was over to the final Chenford scene where Lucy and Tim both look guarded about who might be watching.

My take? I figured everyone knew but Chenford thought they didn't. But, that's a far bigger guess than most of my guesses, so I felt uncomfortable writing it. I like to draw from what I see, not try to draw over it. I'm a hapless fan sharing uneducated interpretations, not the writer of the scenes.

So, I tried to avoid talking about it with this Meta since I don't feel like I can yet speak with certainty on the matter.

Metro

"If you ever do consider Metro, give me a call."

If it was this easy, why did Lucy have to go through a thousand hoops? Sure, it was great practice for the inevitable Wedding Place Setting game down the line, but why was this line here if it wasn't an option for Tim?

And why didn't Nolan say anything during the brainstorming session? I know we like to talk about him being clueless, at times, but he's far from idiotic. It might've been pertinent information, or an "in" to help expedite Tim's ascension.

I struggled with the directionality of the scene. Watching it the first time, I was convinced it would feed into the quest to find Tim a new position. If it wasn't there for Tim, was it to show that Nolan isn't where he's supposed to be? Are we setting up for Nolan to pop over with Tim at some point?

And, again, why didn't anyone think to give her a call about Tim, an officer who is far more seasoned and qualified for the position? No shade thrown at Nolan, but that's objectively true, and I couldn't fathom why this scene was structured the way it was if it wasn't going to help Tim. Maybe it's planting the seed for another episode down the line...

EDIT: The amazing @wordgirl40 pointed out in the comments that all the moving pieces on the board were Sergeants, and that hadn't stuck with me when watching the scene. I still think Nolan could have put in a phone call to help with things, but even that tiny clarification makes it easier to follow. Thank you!

Enough of my hangups. Thanks for bearing with me.

I want to draw out one line that I thought was really interesting, considering the "Found Family" angle of the episode.

Grey told Celina, "You have a new family of brothers and sisters. Remember that."

It's true. Big Brother/TO Tim was the one to realize what was bothering Celina and call her out. And how soft was he with her once he assessed the whole situation (no, he's not single, Carla. Ay, dios mio!)?

Big Brother/TO Nolan ran into the building to retrieve Celina. They had her back professionally and personally.

And the team had Tim and Lucy's backs. Like, this really is a beautiful little Found Family.

When Lucy and Tim do get married, if her parents don't show up, Grey can walk her down the aisle. Tamara will be her Maid of Honor and Tim's Best Woman will be Angela, of course. They'll be surrounded by people who love them without criteria or constraints.

Found Family is often stronger than bio family, I've found. And for Tim and Lucy—two people for whom "family" is a bit broken—their Found Family will always be there for them. For Tim. For Lucy. For Chenford. And for the family they'll build together.

Because love is a gift best given freely and with abandon. That is what this ensemble of characters have. At the end of the day, they will never lack in love.

As always, thanks for reading and bearing with me on the delay on this one. It was the most challenging, thus far. But I'm still loving every second of this Chenford ride.

[mysticstarlightduck]

"Proud of" Tag

I was tagged by @pluttskutt, (here), for this one! I'm catching up with my tags after taking a bit of a break the past few weeks (due to health reasons, which I've now recovered from), so here we go!

Rules: Post a snippet you’ve written that you’re proud of and tag 5 people. This snippet can be from today, last week, last month, or five years ago, it doesn’t matter! Show us what you’re proud of 💗

[...] "What are you doing?" Teivel peeked through the bars of the cell, suspicion written in his features as he watched Lucian shakily fumble with a key bunch.

"Getting you out of here."

The young man answered with fierce determination, already moving to unlock the rusted lock. Teivel couldn't help but gasp, horror dawning on him at this recklessness - he reached through the gap, holding onto Lucian's wrist and stubbornly keeping him from turning the key.

"Oh. No, no, no." He shook his head, lowering his voice after his words echoed around the hallway "You're a fool, they'll catch us before we're even out of the dungeons and then we'll both be stuck here. Please, just go back, and we'll just pretend this never happened. It's not worth the risk, not for me."

Lucian looked up in disbelief but did not pull his wrist away from the other's grasp. Instead, he spoke with a reassuring smile.

"It is worth it because of you, not the other way around. We need to try. I'm not letting them kill you - I couldn't care less what my father thinks, and even if I end up tried for treason, at least that way I'll know I'll never be like him."

Teivel sighed, dejection and exasperation mixing in his voice. "We're going to regret this. Even if we escape this place, something will go wrong - that war out there kills everything in its path. I won't be able to keep you safe, and neither you me."

"What if I told you there's a way to stop that war? You know the old tales as well as I do - the curse out there isn't just that, it's a prophecy. 'The Dead God's heir will be flame that'll spark a new dawn', that scroll said." Lucian spoke, hurriedly, like an anxious scholar with too much to explain and not a lot of time. He looked over his shoulder and down the hall, checking if the guards hadn't come down for their usual patrol.

He took a deep breath before continuing. "My father's soldiers are seeking him, and he hates wasting troops. If they are making such an effort to find this guy, then it's because the prophecy is real - and if we find the prince before they do, we can change things, maybe even stop the war."

"So you're suggesting that we put our fates in the hands of your people's fairy tales, and hope we won't just get captured or worse?"

Teivel asked, nearly angry, though there was a glint of something else in his eyes - something that showed that he, as much as he feared to admit it, wanted to hope that maybe, just maybe, there was a sliver of a chance that things wouldn't end in bloodshed this time.

"No. What I'm saying is that we take this chance, we don't know when another will show up." Lucian gestured around, their bleak surroundings emphasizing his point. "Maybe the stories are true, maybe they aren't, but that doesn't matter - my point is, I'd rather put our fates on the uncertainty of what's out there, than on the certainties we have here, certainties like the executioner's blade that's waiting for you tomorrow morning."

Just as Lucian paused, a telltale creak echoed through the hallway - the iron door atop the stairs slowly swinging open. The guards must've realized the keys were missing, and they'd be here any minute. Lucian felt Teivel flinch, tightening his hold on his wrist for a second, before letting go.

Lucian turned the key, opening the door. "If we're going to do this, the time is now. What do you say?"

Teivel looked at him and then up the hallway, where the guards would inevitably appear in a blink. He shook his head, almost not believing what he was about to do, before stepping out of the cell. "You'd better have a spectacular plan." [...]

Tagging (gently): @little-peril-stories, @oh-no-another-idea, @clairelsonao3, @i-can-even-burn-salad and @starlit-hopes-and-dreams

[comfortjoonie]

Last Christmas

a/n: sooo i honestly kind of hate this. it turned out a lot worse than i thought it would. i'm not sure if you guys are gonna like it or not, but i'd appreciate any feedback.

Anyways, the concept of the story is that Seokjin is a doctor at a local hospital and meets a friendly patient named Namjoon, who's a friend he could really use right now. And Namjoon could also use a friend during this time.

Seokjin wipes the leftover tears from his eyes as he hears a knock on the door of the breakroom.  He’s exhausted from another long day of working in the emergency room – which basically means breaking bad news to people, and today, having a child patient die in front of him.  It’s more than bleak, but he can handle it most days.

“Dr. Kim,” Seokjin’s boss enters the room.  “One more for you.  25-year-old male.  Terminal stomach cancer.”  Dr. Han hands Seokjin the patient’s chart, Seokjin looking over it.  This is the last thing he wants to do right now, tell someone they’re dying.  But he has to.  “Bay 204.  His friend brought him in here.  He’s been sick all week.”  Seokjin nodded, exiting the room and making his way back to the emergency department, taking a deep breath before he opens the door to the patient’s room.

When he walks in, a tall, muscular man sitting on the bed looks up at him with blonde bangs in his face.  He’s pretty, Seokjin thinks.  Not in a conventional way, but in a peaceful sort of way, like a Greek statue or an old painting.  He has tan skin and thick lips and a small nose.  There’s a man on the chair next to him, with black hair and a tall frame.  Seokjin glances down at the chart.  Kim Namjoon is the patient’s name.

“We have your results…” Seokjin says hesitantly, but quickly gets his composure.  “Unfortunately…we found cancer in your stomach.”

Namjoon looks shocked, his mouth slightly open.  The friend speaks, “How treatable is it?  He’s…I mean, we’re…”

Seokjin presses his lips together.  “....it isn’t treatable.” He glances at Namjoon.  He’s never seen anyone look so composed, yet devastated at the same time.  “You have about ten months.”

“Ten months?  Before what?” the friend asks, standing up.

“Ten months to live,” Seokjin says flatly, trying not to show his emotion.  “We can give you some relief for your symptoms, though.  Is there any family you want to call?”

Namjoon shakes his head.  “I don’t have any family.”  A tear runs down his cheek and he wipes it off. 

“You know who he is, right?” the friend asks.  “And you know who I am?  He’s Kim Namjoon–”

“Hyung, stop,” Namjoon says softly.

“He’s the main lyricist for JYP.  He writes all the songs for my group.  He doesn’t have cancer.  Your tests are wrong.  Run them back again.”

“Jackson, stop,” Namjoon says, more forcefully.

Seokjin calmly puts a hand up.  “I’m sorry…but our tests are correct.  As I said, we’ll give you some treatment to ease your symptoms.  We’ll get you some discharge paperwork and prescribe you some medicine. 

Jackson suddenly looks at his phone, seeing a call come up.  “Damn it Joon…I have to go.  I’ll call you as soon as I can, okay?  Drive safe.”  Namjoon watches Jackson leave and turns to Seokjin,

“I’m sorry for him.  He’s a little…protective.”  Seokjin can see that Namjoon is trying not to completely break down crying, but he’s holding it together.

“No worries, Mr. Kim.  I’ll ask for your discharge paperwork.”  Seokjin catches himself glancing at Namjoon’s pretty features for a moment too long.

“It’s just Namjoon.  Are you going to be my nurse when I come in for…for the treatments that’ll relieve my symptoms?”

Seokjin shook his head.  “That’s not my job.  Unless you come to the ER, we won’t see each other again.”  Namjoon nods in understanding and Seokjin leaves the room.  As soon as the door shuts, he can sense Namjoon has probably broken down.  He feels horrible leaving him in the room alone, but he needs to ask for the discharge.  When he comes back, Namjoon’s head is turned to the side and his nose and lips are red from crying.

“Hey…some bad news.  The ER is really backed up today, so it’s gonna be a few hours.  My shift is ending—”

“Stay with me,” Namjoon says suddenly before he can stop himself.  Seokjin needs sleep.  But he’s not going to leave someone so young and scared by himself in the hospital with no one.

“Yeah.  I’ll stay,” Seokjin says, sitting down on the chair Jackson was in.  “What do you want to talk about?”

Namjoon sniffles.  “Anything.  I just don’t want to be alone right now.  I don’t even have someone to drive me home.”

“You don’t have a car?”

“I don’t have my license,” Namjoon says.  “And Jackson…is my only friend.”  Seokjin winces in sympathy.  He understands.  More than Namjoon does.  He doesn’t have any friends at all.

“I understand,” Seokjin says.  Namjoon laughs a little.  “Honestly, I do.”

“You’re too handsome to not have any friends,” Namjoon says bluntly.  Seokjin is taken aback a bit, but smiles.

“I’m not too handsome for anything.  Honestly, I don’t have any more friends than you do,” Seokjin says truthfully.  Namjoon’s eyes look into his.

“Maybe we can be friends.”

Seokjin smiles a little.  He’d love to get to know the lyricist for JYP.  He’d love to get to know anyone at this point. “Yeah.  I could use a friend right about now.”  It was true.  He’d never been lower in his life, falling into a deep depression since his husband’s death a year ago.  He wasn’t going to dump that on Namjoon, though.

“Tell me about yourself, Namjoon.  What’s your job like?”

Namjoon nodded.  “I’m given a concept and a rough draft of a melody for a song…and then I add the lyrics.  I write them myself, and then I record a demo for the band to listen to.”

“You can sing?” Seokjin asks.  His husband used to sing for him.  It made his chest hurt to even think about.

“No.  I rap, and I use autotune to help myself out on the vocals,” Namjoon says.

“You rap?”

“Yeah.  I used to be in the hip-hop scene when I was a teenager.  I was really into it.  I had some fans, too.  But…” Namjoon paused.

“What made you quit?” Seokjin asked curiously, searching Namjoon’s eyes.

Namjoon smiles sadly.  “People didn’t like me.  I’m…” he pointed to his face.  “I’m ugly.  And I was kind of chubby back then.  There’s only so much someone can handle.”

Seokjin frowns.  “I don’t think you’re ugly, Namjoon.”  Namjoon shakes his head.

“No, I am.  I don’t really care anymore.  There’s nothing I can do about it.”  Seokjin can tell Namjoon cares, but he doesn’t say anything about it.  “What about you?” Namjoon asks.  “What’s your job like?”

“I just come in every day…consult with patients, give back results, perform some simple procedures like stitches or staples,” Seokjin says.  “It’s not interesting.  Not like your job.”

“No…my job can be pretty boring.  And it’s lonely.  I usually sit in the studio by myself all day long and then come back to my apartment.”

“Do you live alone?  No wife or anything?” Seokjin asks.

Namjoon shakes his head.  “Nobody.  I have a dog, though.  Monie.  I’m always happy to see him.”  Namjoon pauses.  “What about you?  Are you married?  Have kids?”

Seokjin shakes his head.  “I’m not married.  I live by myself, too.”

“You should come over to my house sometime.  You seem like you need a friend,” Namjoon says.  Seokjin looks down at his lap.

“Yeah…I really do.”  He waits on a response for a few seconds, but nothing.  He looks back up at Namjoon, but he looks like he’s falling asleep.  It’s understandable.  It’s nighttime now, and Seokjin is exhausted too.  Before he knows it, he’s falling asleep in his chair.

He wakes up a couple hours later to his phone going off with a message telling him the paperwork is ready.  He quietly leaves the room and comes back with Namjoon’s discharge paperwork, gently waking him up.  “Namjoon?  I have your paperwork.  You can go now,” he says softly.

Namjoon sits up.  “Oh.  Ok.”  He looks over his paperwork.  “Can I get your number, though?”  Seokjin blushes a little.  “Not like that,” Namjoon laughs a little.  “Just because we both need a friend right now,” Namjoon says, and Seokjin immediately feels embarrassed for thinking anything else of it.

“Yeah, of course.  It’s 4-1-2-3-2-6-9,” Seokjin says.  Namjoon nods.

“Do you need a ride home?” Seokjin asks.

“No, it’s fine.  I’ll call a taxi.  I’ll see you later, hopefully?” he asks, and Seokjin smiles.

“Of course.  We’ll talk again tomorrow.”

[eyra]

20 questions for Fic Writers

thank you to everyone who tagged me and I'm sorry it's taken me a month to do this.

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

25 plus a few that I've posted anonymously. bonus points if anyone ever finds them.

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

348,031

3. What fandoms do you write for?

just HP/marauders these days

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

A Brief History of Dragons - people like this Remus I think.

Beneath a Big Blue Sky - my love letter to Yorkshire.

Statten Park - an old one but I do actually still like this, it's a lot of fun.

Sunshine on Leith - can we knock this out of the top five already please.

And a Hedgehog in a Pine Tree - I'm so surprised that this is here, it's such an inconsequential little thing. people like Christmas I suppose.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

oh god I try I really do, every email that comes through with a new comment makes my day but I'm terrible for leaving them all unanswered in my inbox. I'm sorry to everyone who has ever left a comment that I haven't responded to.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

The Proctor House for sure. A Winter, Forever Ago is pretty bleak too.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

most of them! probably the most joyous is something like Beneath a Big Blue Sky because you've been on a decent journey to get there. that goose threatening everyone's happiness and all.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

not really. one comment I do get sometimes is that the way I write Remus/Sirius is OOC and yes I agree, it absolutely is. Remus in Beneath a Big Blue Sky has nothing to do with e.g. Remus in Ullswater. those men have never even met in a bathroom. James in A Brief History of Dragons is an arsehole compared to living legend James in Beneath a Big Blue Sky. Sirius in Statten Park is a complete stranger to Sirius in Heartstones. none of them, really, have much to do with their canon counterparts. just bits here and there but I haven't read the HP books in well over a decade and I don't really remember what these characters are actually like beyond the surface-level stuff, so a lot of what I write is fairly OOC. it's all done knowingly and intentionally and I'm not going to change that.

9. Do you write smut. If so, what kind?

oh gosh a little bit a little bit. please understand that I'm a repressed Englishwoman and I'm trying my hardest. Seventeen Hours and Statten Park are both fairly smutty. I'd like to write more but I'm awkward af.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

no not really my thing but I do like to take other stories and plonk marauders characters into similar worlds - Ullswater was very much inspired by If We Were Villains.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

no but people keep nabbing them to get them printed and then apparently sell them? so actually maybe yes. grow up.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

no because I'm a control freak and I don't allow my work to be replicated. sorry about it. I think people have done it for personal offline projects though and that's absolutely fine.

13. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

back in the day I used to co-write with my then-partner but it was just bits and pieces, not full fics. again, I'm a control freak so I'd struggle with this. I need to get my own way always.

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

right so I should say Remus/Sirius but honestly... Remus/James just reaches places other pairings simply cannot. so it's a toss up.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

oh god how long have you got. I think one of the reasons I dislike Sunshine on Leith so much is because I put that stupid note at the end promising a third part in a few weeks. that was in 2020 and I've still not done it. help.

16. What are your writing strengths?

description, particularly when it comes to: natural landscapes, buildings, food, weather. I think I'm alright at witty dialogue too.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

actually writing anything down. also action, can't do action to save my life.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I don't think I've done it but I'd give it a go.

19. First Fandom you wrote for?

I think it was LOTR and yes it probably still exists somewhere on an old desktop computer at my dad's house and yes that thought keeps me up at night.

20. Favorite fic you've ever written?

The Proctor House and Beneath a Big Blue Sky

[impishtubist]

Fanfic writer self-appreciation! Answer this, then pass the ask along to your favorite writer, your mutuals, or just someone who needs to answer it. If I were to read one fic of yours that best reveals who you are as a writer, or the one you’re MOST proud of, which fic should I read?

First of all, thank you anon, you have no idea how demoralized I have been lately re: writing and how nice this was to receive <3

I don't normally do self-appreciation stuff, but I took a tour through my fics today on a whim after receiving this ask, and have reached some Conclusions. So you're getting a whole ass essay, buckle up.

I really fucking adore missing-scene fics. I write them the most, and I read them the most. But after taking a tour through my 200+ fics, I think the stories that reveal who I am as a writer the most are actually the long, plotty, post-canon ones.

I happened to re-read my As a Desert in Bloom series yesterday (Star Trek: VOY), which is a post-Endgame Chakotay/Tom fic, and you know what? I rocked it with the world-building and all the OCs, and there was also a good deal of plot there. I normally hate OCs in fics that I'm reading! But I am nothing if not a hypocrite, and they appear in a decent number of my fics.

RIP to the OC I killed off in the second fic of that series, you were my favorite blorbo.

Price of Memory is another one. I count this as post-canon because it takes place 15 years after Timeless (and, er, 12 years after Endgame? Something like that), even though that timeline eventually gets changed. Angsty men falling in love even though they know they're going to change history and erase it all? Hell yeah sign me up! This is another one where I did a bunch of worldbuilding and had a bunch of OCs and a bunch of plot.

In the Bleak Midwinter, A Memory That Never Forgets, and An Age of Silver are all post-canon Sherlock fics that do - you guessed it! A bunch of worldbuilding and have a bunch of OCs and are extremely plotty.

So what I have concluded here is, the fics that most reveal who I am as a writer have lots of plot, lots of OCs, and do a bunch of worldbuilding. Which would explain why my real jam is writing original fiction, and fanfic is just what I do on the side.

Okay this was super interesting and not at all surprising, but in 13 years of writing fanfic, it's something I've literally never thought about. So now I need to go take a break and stare at a wall and contemplate my entire existence.

Thank you for this ask, I'm gonna go put it in some other people's inboxes now 😂

[onyourhyuck]

Popular. | N.JM | PART 3

— Prologue: “Tell me how I can fix this” + “You can’t. Everything is temporary, this was merely one of those things.”

— Summary: Revenge becomes love? Old faces become new faces? Where you enroll back to your old school where you got bullied, to get revenge on Na Jaemin but he cannot recognise you.

— Genre: Popularboy!najaemin x goodgirl!y/n. Revenge plot with romance and smut. Mention of bullying. Plot twists. Very sensitive subjects no minors. School sex(?) exhibition. Jaemin’s obsessed with y/n. Enemies to lovers (kinda)

— Notes: Popular — The Series Masterlist.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

“Let me get this straight, Y/n.” — “And I’m not straight at all so this is going to be hard.” Yunjin said matter of factly right after.

The voice of your best friend Yunjin was rather bleak and still trying to figure this all out. Yunjin is a young girl who you knew since a very young age. The two of you grew through all the odds; thick and thin. And even the situation that happened two years ago at the school. It caused your mental health to go down the shit hole and what more you suffered a lot. Yunjin was the only friend you had by your side through all of that and ever since you enrolled back into that school she’s been trying to peruse your judgement to turn away and forget about revenge.

But you can’t forget about the pain they caused you. You won’t ever feel at peace unless you put them in their place and show them what their actions did to someone like you.

“You’re invited to the party with the people who bullied the shit out of you?”

When Yunjin found out on message that you’re going to a party tonight. Ningning’s party you left out purposely for her but somehow your best friend managed to find out! And what else? Yunjin is now forced to see you change in your bedroom looking through your closet.

The two of you recently became roommates so you guys feel a lot closer than before. None of you have a bedtime schedule or whatever. But that doesn’t mean Yunjin will just let you walk into a party thinking you can do whatever you want.

“You. You are going to a party? Y/n you hate parties! You used to call them the gateway of slackers who don’t do anything to contribute to society.”

“Y/n are you even listening to me right now?” She terribly sighs seeing you picking out different dresses.

Okay that was the old you, the old you who didn’t care for popularity at all. You sigh throwing back the summery flowy dress. This won’t fit Ningning’s dress code: you need to look expensive like you’re someone rich daughter. You can’t go to a party sticking out badly. You need to stick out in a good way. You’re already getting unwanted attention because you’re the new girl. You might as well look nice and presentable.

“Yeah well… what do you think of this?” You force a smirk turning around with a red dress putting it in front of Yunjin who stares at you with an eye roll.

You’re now trying to change your best friends worrisome nagging. You need her help, you don’t need her to be worried and mothering you right now. It’s why you moved out.

So you can escape your own mother’s advice. You don’t need Yunjin doing the same to you now.

“Makes you look like slightly older than you already look, pass.” She didn’t approve of that red dress and it was quite an old dress. You throw it away on the floor sighing.

Instead you found that your best friend opens her wardrobe now and brings out a white dress that looks quite expensive. Yunjin always had the most expensive taste but what can you say? She was like a sister to you. The sister you asked for but never got. The girl turns to you putting the dress in front of you and pushed it on your chest with a smile.

“Go wear this, show them what you’re made of.” Yunjin now said slightly more encouragingly even though she spend the last hour and a half saying to you how bad of an idea this was and that you should’ve moved on and lived a happier life.

You wanted to say no, this was her dress. You couldn’t accept something this big and precious to Yunjin. But your best friend gave you a stern look when she saw your expression that she already knows you’re about to reject her dress.

“No, no, close your mouth and go change.” Yunjin said with a laugh and pushed you towards the bathroom so you change in peace. “Ugh fine fine.” You grumble with a little smile that you appreciate her so much. She does a lot for you.

You don’t know what you’d do without Yunjin.

The moment you step out wearing this slit on open white dress you feel like a princess out of a fairytale. Yunjin looks back at you for a moment, she couldn’t recognise you. You look different when you’re dressed up and happy. For once you look like you are determined and you feel great. Yunjin gave a little smile before pulling up in front of you.

With hands going around your neck Yunjin gave a small golden necklace around your neck to make the outfit stand out more. She loves styling you up you can tell.

You smile putting a hand on the chain at your collarbones where it rests. “Yunjin, this is your necklace.” You said with a sigh.

She rolls her eyes. “I know. I’m only letting you borrow it. Don’t worry.” She smirks and now passed you matching white heels. “You can’t go without heels.”

You knew she was right, you cannot pass up on those heels before you start to leave for the party. You have a ride coming in less than a few minutes and it’s a taxi you’re taking to the location that Ningning sent you formally.

You just pray you don’t get lost. But you doubt you will since the party will be probably loud and obvious.

Your eyes glance back at Yunjin once you were done putting on the heels and you are standing by the door, with your purse as you saw that Yunjin was smiling ear to ear watching you look very beautiful. Your hair was done in a neat bun and everything. You look glammed up and ready to go, which scares Yunjin too because well she doesn’t trust them lot of people. Not after what they did to you.

But who has the power to stop you? No one but yourself.

“You need to call me.” Yunjin firmly tells. She’s so protective it can make your heart beat so much faster.

You chuckle nodding. “Got it. I’ll call you once I’m outta there and in there. You happy with that?” You tell your friend hoping she was now feeling less stressed or worried. Yunjin smirks at your words and you and her make a last eye contact before your taxi pulls up to your house waiting for you to get in.

“Yeah.”

The taxi driver pulls up on the empty dark road. You get out carrying your purse in your hand and you take your phone out texting Yunjin that you arrived at the location.

Music was coming from the direction where the house was. It wasn’t even a house to you considering it looks like a villa. You sometimes forget that Ningning isn’t exactly from a decently normal family background.

You were always slightly envious because of that. You never got invited to the parties she hosts because back then, you were a nobody. No one, just a problem. Maybe even a nuisance.

Your thoughts are running wild so you try to calm them and just tell yourself why you’re here and what you’re here to do. You’re here to dig up something, anything. That something can be anything. Just a weakness to destroy Ningning enough so you feel satisfied. You pray you don’t have to take too long to be at this party but then again you’re here to build a name for yourself in the process.m

Maybe sparing a hour or two hours at this party won’t be so bad, you thought.

Slowly you bring yourself to the party where it all begins. You are in the spotlight. The moment you came there was people staring you down, whether it was the design of your clothes, your posture, your heels or your hair; people were judging you from head to toe trying to find a flaw. You see these cliques take dressing like it was the hungry games. You thank Yunjin for giving you expensive clothes for tonight to wear otherwise you wouldn’t of last. You’ve always been low maintenance. Preferring comfortable clothes and shoes. These people don’t understand comfort. They bleed beauty from inside and outside.

They were eying you with hunger or admiration. You can’t tell what they are thinking but you chose to move forward.

People always think the rich parties are amazing but now that you’re at the party seeing it and experiencing it; you have to say you’re left with a clump of nothing in your stomach. Everyone is too concerned with their so-called-status and you are left watching people get drunk and dance around to the disco music. The house was so huge you swore it can fit an entire country of civilians in this house the host owns. So many people would be begging on their knees and selling their soul to stand on these floors, to walk and hangout with them no matter if it’s fake friendship or not. To you you’re doing it for revenge but others would die for this.

And you’re here left wondering why? You see some kind of sadness in Ningning. She was a perfectionist. Wanting and striving to be the best one and if anyone was better than she was, it would be the end of the world for her.

Coming across the pool where the main attraction was happening. You see ningning sitting on the sun bathing chairs with black bikini set, sunglasses on her head when she saw you.

Ningning’s expression sours when she saw you but of course she cannot let her jealousy get to her when she saw what you’re wearing. You look beautiful and it’s definitely ruining her night.

God why must you get on her nerves so much?

“Y/n you arrived.” She said with a bland tone watching you come closer and you gave her a small nod with a short awkward smile.

Now that you’re thinking about it you see Chenle with swimming trucks on. The beautiful young boy sitting on the poor edge dipping in his calves and legs soaking inside the pool water, he saw your eyes on him and he smirks at you with a handsome expression as he pulls the black glasses away. The hair was lightly damp and you feel your eyes moving from Ningning to Chenle side to side.

These two are always together so you kept a mental note of that. If Chenle disappears then Ningning is gone too.

“New girl you’re on everyone’s eyes so far. I can understand why. You’re glowing tonight.” Chenle comments as he lifts the lemonade in the glass sipping it with the purple small straw.

You feel your mind wander off when Chenle gave you a compliment. That’s so uncommon you weren’t sure how to feel hearing it. It was both nerve wrecking but you’re glad — it means it’s working whatever you’re doing right now.

You’re gathering popularity little by little. Chenle sits up with a phone in his hand now pushing it in front of you as he smirks. “Mind giving me your instagram so I can post you on it? I have a feeling we will be getting along.”

You see Ningning giving you a glaring side eye. You look back at the black phone that looks like the grandest new addiction phone you ever saw before. You put on a small smile nodding. “Alright.” You thought this was working out perfectly. He’s posting you on his story and at this point you feel like the amount of followers he has they will double to your account.

Writing your account on the search bar on the app you find your account and you press the follow button. Giving the phone back to Chenle who smirks seeing your username.

“Thanks.” He grins. “I’m getting a drink Ning. You want something?” He now shouts turning to the girl laying down with a scowl.

“Martini, Lele!” She demands as her best friend went away to gather the drink she wanted meanwhile you’re now stuck sitting with Ningning in silence by the pool.

What do you even do at a party now that you think about it?

What do you speak about too? You don’t drink. You never danced. You’re not the type to even attend parties but now you’re having to pretend like you know what you’re doing over here so you don’t seem too suspicious. But you’re so stiff.

Everyone here was dancing moving their bodies to the music letting their worries out of their heads but you, you can’t let loose like that. You can’t have fun in this setting. It’s just not your scene I guess, never was but you came for another reasoning than to have fun.

Ningning’s glare made you even more on the edge. “So Y/n. What do your parents do?”

‘Ah she’s trying to dig information to use against me.’ You thought. Of course she is.

“Business.” You say quick trying to makeup a lie on the spot. You can’t have them thinking you’re from an average background family otherwise it would make them think less of you.

They thought of you less in the past because of it so why say the same answer when you know the truth? You decide to make a white lie. Not like they will try to figure out more than that.

Ningning’s body stands up and she now sits next to you as she became intrigued when you said business and she raised her eyebrows up. “Oh really? What type of business?”

You clear your voice. “Fashion business. They do it overseas too.”

You’re going based on the fashion you’re wearing tonight. You’re thanking your best friend Yunjin for majoring in fashion right now.

You fake a smile. “How about your parents, Ningning?”

The girl starts to now boast. Of course why wouldn’t she? Ningning is proud of her family jobs and so much more it’s why she had do whatever she wanted in this house. “My family are doctors.” She smirks watching your reaction and you gave a small nod. They must make a ton of money you thought. And they probably don’t have any time for Ningning at all. It was kind saddening for you. “Everything you see is out of my family’s money.”

“But don’t let it get to you. This is their money not mine.” Ningning’s condescending tone really put you in a tough spot as she makes you laugh a bit under her breath to lighten the mood at least.

The girl was flexing you knew it but what can you do? You’d flex it too if you were in her position. Ningning smirks seeing your small laugh but she looks back at the pool area which was more of a lounging thing. Silence became a thing until Chenle came back with the martini and a beer of can in his other hand that he was sipping from casually. He sometimes looks like the most ordinary guy but you knew that deep down, Chenle was probably the most outstanding guy you can meet. He was lavish.

Chenle coos to Ningning handing her the martini. “Here you go.” He sat down sipping the beer but now you stood up. “I need the toilet. Do you know where it is?” You ask the girl with a short smile.

Ningning looks back at you as she sips the martini slowly taking the olive on the toothpick off as she bite into it. You hate to admit it but she’s quite beautiful when she isn’t glaring at you, especially while sipping the martini.

“Ugh. It’s upstairs on the left. You’ll see it immediately just keep your eyes open.” You slowly nod while listening to Ningning giving you directions, you walk away going inside the house leaving them two now.

As you walk upstairs your eyes slowly look over scanning the different rooms. Your hands brush over the single handed doors peeking in. You see multiple study rooms and the bathroom like Ningning said where it was but you don’t actually need the toilet. You look away and quickly brush over a specific door on the right corner going inside it.

The room smells of perfumes and you sniff around. Ningning’s perfume was overflowing the entire room you can definitely tell this was her room now, you don’t even need anything to clarify it.

Your body walks around the bedroom and you go over to the computer desk turning on the pc. You realise that there was in need of a password and you turn your head to the side when pushing your elbows on the side suddenly catching your eye was a picture frame.

“Hm… password.” You thought as you search around the bedroom now for anything can be the password. You see it’s quite obvious to figure it out once you think in simple ways.

9 out of 10 chances of a password being a word you keep close to you around all the time so the chances of remembering it was higher. You need to find a word that was very close to the girl otherwise you won’t find the password

You pick the picture frame up thinking. It was a picture of Chenle and Ningning at a private beach house with fireworks in the background they set up in the past.

“Don’t tell me…” you say having a moment of realisation as you put the picture back down on the desk so you can type the password you are taking a wild guess what it could be.

You press the words ‘Lele’ in the password bar and then pressing enter you see a green check appear and you smirk ear to ear finding yourself to be quite smart for a moment.

“I’m a genius.” You whisper to yourself proudly for a moment as you start searching her files for anything you can use against Ningning. Anything.

Who would’ve guessed Chenle was her password? You think it was a lucky guess of yours from earlier. You search her computer until you bring yourself to go to the delete trash bin app on the computer. You found nothing saved but perhaps, perhaps the trash bin has something right?

And you were right. People never empty their computers thinking no one would get on them. Well Ningning you are in for a catch, you thought deeply. The pictures you see in the trashbin was something forbidden.

You grin downloading the pictures on your phone. You airdrop them up on your phone and then you slowly start to take all of them in.

Ningning is going down after this, you vow. There’s no way she will recover from this at all.

Then outside you heard the steps coming up the stairs. Your eyes widen in panic as you slowly turn around listening but the music downstairs was muffled and the footsteps got more and more closer. You start to slowly shut down everything and you move out the chair.

Your feet slowly walk out of Ningning’s bedroom and you creep inside the bathroom door as soon as possible but then a hand stops you from going there. The smell of a wood musk inhaling your nostrils makes it flare. Your eyes widen as you look up and the man stopping you was looking down at you with a wide grin.

The sight of you was heavenly. You look beyond beautiful tonight and you found yourself feeling small when trapped by a long hand stopping you going to the bathroom.

“There you are, Y/n. Where are you off to?” The deep voice strikes you. Jaemin was staring you up and down and you look at him with a scowl. “Toilet. Why? Am I not allowed to go now or what?”

“No, no of course not. I know what to not ask a lady.” He smiles laughing while he pulls his hand back and you want to already leave the party at the sight of the annoying clingy man back again.

Thank god you got what you needed. You try to now leave past him but Jaemin grabs your wrist pulling you back in front of him where he can see you for a little longer.

He can’t get enough of you, and tonight he wants to savour it more. “Y/n what’s the rush?” He says with a small chuckle seeing your annoyed gaze again.

You sigh. “Jaemin what do you want?” Jaemin smiles when you asked him this finally. He waited to tell you what he wants right now.

“I want you. Come dance with me?” He now offers giving you his hand forward and you stare at him in a slow moment of thoughts.

You don’t know how to dance.

“I rather not.” You state blankly.

Jaemin comes forward slowly closing your bodies gap while begging you as his voice drops to whispers. “Please? Why won’t you dance with me.”

You try to avoid him as much as possible but it’s quite hard when he’s pleading you in that voice it makes you weak slightly. Weak to your knees. You can’t tell if it’s because he sounds attractive when he’s begging you, or if it’s the heels you’re wearing.

“Jaemin, I can’t dance.” You murmur in soft embarrassment.

He smirks hearing you admit it. Is this why you rejected him? He was expecting you to say something more life-ending. “That’s okay, princess. I’ll help you.” He reassures and it somehow made you feel better.

It shouldn’t make you feel better. But it did and does make you feel so much lighter than before.

Pulling you back on the dance floor downstairs. He and you were in the crowd slowly dancing, it takes you a while to loosen up but he wraps a hand by your waist pulling you closer while his fingers brush against your bare back. You feel your breath being held in and you don’t realise it while he was dancing and moving your body along the moves. You and him are overtaking the crowd and as he was grinding by your body keeping you close as if he was possessive of you at the same time he wanted to show you off that he was dancing with you, he is the one dancing with you and no one else.

He didn’t want anyone else to see you but at the same time he didn’t want you to be hidden away from the world so what he does is to show you off while having his hands all over you while he teaches you to dance.

“That’s it Y/n, You’re getting it.” He told you against your ears as Jaemin’s face were brushing on your cheek while holding your hips on the side while you are dancing back and forth.

Jaemin saw your eyes waver from his eye contact and he twirls you around suddenly, bringing you back to his chest while holding your hand with a small smug smile.

He saw your surprised expression with a heavy sigh coming out of your mouth. “You look beautiful tonight by the way.”

You heard his voice tell you with sincere honesty and you smirk a little hearing it. Jaemin slowly adds. “Is it for me you’re looking this beautiful?”

“Keep dreaming.”

“It was worth asking.” He laughs a bit as you really cut him where it hurts the most but he doesn’t mind it. He finds your short blunt responses to his flirtatious comments to be very entertaining. Never once did he think he would become so obsessed with a new girl like you, but here he is.

He’s clinging on the bare minimum moments with you, like a lost puppy right now.

You slowly pull away from the dance. You saw Ningning eyeing you from across the dance floor as she’s dancing with Chenle now, somehow you feel like she’s burning the entire city down to ash when you’re around Jaemin.

In fact it’s Jaemin around you. You don’t really find yourself searching for the boy because he always finds you.

“I’m getting a drink.” You say while turning around going to find somewhere to find a glass of water anywhere at least.

You leave Jaemin at the dance floor while you do this you walk to the groups of people crowding the area without many thoughts you find your heart pacing super fast and your breath was caught in your throat when you walk bumping into another man and his partner arm in arm. They spill their drink over your dress and the other girl was also getting drinks spilled all over her dress while screaming. You let out a soft gasp.

Shit, you thought.

Yunjin’s dress was completely wrecked now. Stained by the alcohol drink spilling over it and you look over at the girl and the man who look quite pissed off right now.

The girl glares. “You did that on purpose didn’t you?” She shouts catching the people around attention and you stand there shaking your head about to say no but the girl pushed back pushing you against the wall as she was going to slap you over but then in the process of pushing you her nail got stuck to the necklace.

You gasp a bit catching the necklace on the floor while you push the girl away so you can grab the necklace on the floor. You can’t lose the necklace, not the necklace that Yunjin gave you.

Her boyfriend reacts when you pushed his girlfriend away to grab the necklace and when he approached you to go and do something worse, you thought he was going to hurt you badly, but the hand raising to hurt you was grabbed by a shadow overlooking in front pushing between the man and you.

Jaemin stood there grabbing the hand and pushing the man back to the ground before he looks over at you on the floor with spilled drink all over you. He kneels down grabbing your arm helping you slowly up. “Y/n are you okay?” He asked in concern.

You look back at the angry man and the woman too when he asked if you’re okay. You are but you’re completely overwhelmed. You’re shaking and right now you feel like old memories are coming to haunt you.

He feels you shaking in the hold. Jaemin pushed away when the people at the party started gossiping and recording. To take you away from the spotlight he brought you outside the house party now and sat you down by the nearby stairs in the front garden of Ningning’s home.

The tears running down your cheeks as you wipe them away. You can’t believe you’re crying right now in front of your own enemy.

You hate it, crying. You always hated it but what you hated the most was showing your tears to someone else it felt so pathetic.

You don’t even know why you’re crying? Maybe it’s because you know how much this dress and necklace met so much to Yunjin and she trusted you to wear it out tonight and you ruined it. You feel like it’s your own fault for not looking where you were going and Jaemin sat down next to you by the stair as he looks at you wiping your tears from your eyes with the back of your palm.

You look even more beautiful when crying. Jaemin was distracted by your beauty but he was checking you for any injuries.

“Y/n are you hurt?” He softly asks you.

You don’t reply as you’re looking at the broken necklace now too. You ruined her necklace. God you are going to be the worst friend ever when you return back home to your roommate.

He slowly moved a little closer. “Y/n why are you crying? Are you hurt? Show me where it’s hurting.” He demands now a little from you as you shake your head in response. “No… I’m not hurt.”

The boy hearing your words feels more relieve to know you’re okay but then why were you crying? He thought you were maybe scared or shocked by the fight earlier. You didn’t deserve it after all.

Your hair was slightly messy now and he moves strands of it behind your ears while he watches the tears staining your cheeks, just like how your dress was stained by the drinks dropped on you.

“Tell me how I can fix this?” He now asks you. He didn’t want to see you like this and it’s not even close to what he was feeling.

Seeing you cry like this makes him look for ways to destroy everything in his way right now.

Your voice between the sighs as you calm down slowly while your tears pushing back to your ears so they don’t fall out. “You can’t. Everything is temporary, this was merely one of those things.”

You try to sound tough and that this wasn’t bothering you. You don’t want to show that you are stressing over how you ruined this dress and it’s not even your dress. It’s your friend’s dress.

And you ruined it.

“If it was temporary why are you crying y/n? It must be important to you if you’re crying.” He says softly with a little smile while he puts an arm around you so you can now rest your head on his shoulder while he is running his fingers down your arms slowly. You knew Jaemin was right. If it was temporary you wouldn’t be crying like this.

You slowly whisper. “This dress and necklace, someone gave it to me. Someone that is very special to me.”

Jaemin listens to your words and he slowly nods. “Is that really why you’re crying so much?” He chuckles a bit he found you slightly cute when you cry over these things.

He found your empathy to be surprisingly… beautiful.

“How much do you need? I will give you.” He now said bringing his arm back while he faces you and your reaction falters at his words.

He will give you money to get your dress fixed? You can’t believe he would do something like this for you. Jaemin looks at you as if he was serious, serious on his words he just told you and you have no choice but to accept this.

“It’s okay Jaemin you don’t have to.” You state bluntly you don’t want to owe him anything but Jaemin ignores your words despite hearing you say this. He won’t accept a no as an answer.

Jaemin leans closer putting his finger softly against your lips shushing you up immediately.

He smirks pulling back his finger as he saw your silence. “Y/n I want to do this for you. It wasn’t even your fault what happened back there so let me repay you with that?”

You look at him with glistening eyes. They’re glistening because you cried so much and Jaemin liked staring at them. Your eyes were so big he could see his own reflection in them and you were so dreamy looking.

“Fine, but I don’t owe you anything.” You say with a mumble.

Jaemin smirks. “No but you might owe me a kiss?”

He saw your glare at him and he sighs. “Come on not even one? I protected you back there Y’know.”

You roll your eyes. “I didn’t ask you to protect me.” Jaemin chuckles. “No you didn’t you’re right, but that’s what a gentleman does.”

You wanted to throw a sarcastic comment but you’re so drained right now and Jaemin saw right through your disguise seeing how low on mood you are. He grabs your hand slowly comfortingly rubbing it with his thumb and he gave a kiss at the back of your hand.

“Cheer up. I’ll buy you a new dress, new necklace. You won’t have to worry.”

“Thanks… but you still won’t get that kiss.”

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@onyourhyuck please refer from translating copyrighting and plagiarising my work thank youu! Reblog this fic and follow me for more on my pinned masterlist!

[cleverthylacine]

I just saw your post, and I also just watched Episode One and was absolutely furious about it. I've been looking forward to this season!

I was so into the thought of new baby Terrans! I was thrilled at the idea of Breakdown having a kid! That sounded awesome! Even with Aftermath giving me immediate Motormaster vibes, I was initially hopeful being like, Okay, maybe the Emberstone Theory about who last touched it affecting the creations is true.

Maybe Breakdown being in Menasor is going to be brought up.

Maybe we get to see Breakdown dealing with raising a baby Stubticon a la their G1 more wild personalities, and he gets to give them the parenting he didn't get.

Maybe it's going to be continuing the family and breaking abuse cycle themes. That could be cool. Let Aftermath have a rougher personality, but be a good kid. Let other Cons get babies, too.

But I got immediate ick with the descriptions of the "Chaos Terrans," by Alex. It makes no sense. And how they are "corrupted". What?! Hated that.

Me and my Roomie spent the entire time going "BUT WHY???" with the opening! I wanted to see the Cons and Bots working together! The relationships built last Season were fun! THAT WAS ALL THE FUN STUFF!

I loved Hashtag & Starscream and Tarantulas & Nightshade! So much was unpacking different trauma from the war on both sides.

Everyone has issues! Explore them! Continue the theme of not passing on your trauma to your kids and healing and a new generation without war! Getting the future, they all wanted just not how they wanted it!

And the Quintessons would have been a great villain! Especially with all the mucking about Quintus did and their call out with the Sharkticons! AND IN EPISODE TWO THE EVEN PLAY WITH IT BY DIRECTLY CONNECTING THE FACT THAT A QUINTESSON EXECUTIONER WAS ON THE HUNT FOR QUINTUS! WHY WOULD THEY NOT JUST USE IT!

THE DECEPTICONS COULD HAVE GONE FULL SANCTUARY STATION! IT WAS RIGHT THERE!

Sorry to rant, but your criticism was similar to my own! And now I am on the edge of pulling a full V.O.S. of my own on Earthspark. I am just gnashing my teeth at this. I have to write an Alt-Season Two or I'll scream. Worst part is this was supposed to be a treat for a stressful day. 😭

ACK how do I spoiler cut the ask itself?

Welp, I'll put a spoiler tag on it, hopefully people are filtering those.

*hugs*

Man I get it, you just got mad, didn't you? I watched it and I just got madder and madder and madder.

I guess I'm gonna have to steal some characters. Go write your alt-season-2. Make it RavWave and I'll love you forever.

I wanted Hashtag to bond with Star so fucking much. And Tara and Nightshade. I love Nightshade and Hashtag, tbh I'm not that interested in Twitch and Thrash.

I don't understand why they did any of this. A lot of people in places like TFW2005 were complaining about how "woke" they thought it was, maybe they decided to go back to G1, but holy fucking crap it just sucks. I'm not going to watch the rest of it. I might watch the episodes that Ravi and Wave are in, maybe, just to like, SEE them. But maybe not. I don't want this.

The thing about "pulling a VoS" is that it will grow. I thought I was going to write a story where Ravage left the Lost Light, went home to Soundwave, and everything was, well, not 100% fine, but as fine as it ever is in IDW. @sharkteethies and I were joking about how Ravage would get to be Prom Queen and Starscream would maybe mope a little (the Prom Queen jokes come from there, but I gave them to Swerve because Swerve.)

But then as things happen they snowball. Maybe you don't have to be like me and shove every character you ever loved from the rest of the franchise into one AU (they are all there because they fill a need though). But whether you do that or not, you eventually have to go into the past to figure out why things worked out different this time.

(I got to cheat some because briefcase.)

VoS gets very dark and "Every Day Is A Winding Road" is particularly bleak in places, but it has to get dark so the sun can rise.

[chrysoula]

I’m rereading my fic Hollow Sky in preparation for an important chapter. All the Kaeya sequences are pretty intense, but I’m very fond of this one.

A spasm of frustration ran through Kaeya and he put his hands up to his face, his long fingers over his eyes. Klee felt like the last bit of Mondstadt he had with him. If she rejected him, too…

His fingers curled under his eyepatch, stretching his skin around what lay beneath. Just a tug and he felt the rage again, so deep and powerful that it stole his breath away. He no longer remembered if they’d poured it into him or if he’d learned it on his own. He loved Mondstadt, but before that terrible night when he’d made his choice and turned his back on his people, he’d hated it too. Sun-drenched Mondstadt, where there were always flowers and songs, where the adults still remembered laughter and the monsters weren’t allowed to torture people. Mondstadt, where parents protected their children.

We weren’t always like that.

It wasn’t the old man’s voice this time. This time, it sounded like his own.

Ice crystallized in Kaeya’s blood, and he didn’t know if that was real or not. The new voice was too much for him. A creeping cold grew inside, a cold he’d fought like hell for years to resist. Alcohol. Alcohol was good for this. Alcohol was what you had left when you froze everything wholesome in Mondstadt. Alcohol, and him.

He needed a damn distraction. He couldn’t handle that voice, or the ice in his blood, or the incoherent circles his thoughts kept racing in as the permafrost inside him grew stronger. He couldn’t approach Xingqiu and Lumine, whom Klee had run to. She might not hate him yet and he didn’t want to push that. Besides, those two made him uncomfortable now.

Behind him walked Hu Tao and Xiao. But Xiao made the back of his neck prickle. The yaksha was his own ancient story and that was exactly the kind of thing Kaeya had been drawn into too deeply already. Besides, occasionally, late at night, Kaeya suspected Hu Tao could just snap her fingers and extinguish everything left of him. It made no sense via either her fire Vision or her funeral director role, but ‘making sense’ had never been a strong point of late-night terrors.

And then there was Mona. She’d been kind to him recently, in her own way. He could really do with some more of that brand of kindness right now. Somebody warm and willing in his arms was always an excellent distraction from himself. It was a pity they were on the move right now, but maybe on a break — he surveyed the bleak and uninspiring landscape — she’d consider—

He actually focused on her and his line of thought curled up like a leaf in the frost. She walked with her head down and her shoulders slumped. She’d been upset by the sky, of course, maybe more than any of them. But Kaeya had been distracted then too, first by concern for Zielle and Kazuha, and then by Albedo, and most recently Klee. Really, what kind of a friend was he?

He adjusted his pace to match hers and drifted closer. After a moment, she glanced up. Damp eyelashes framed her reddened eyes, but her voice was completely steady as she said, “What do you want?”

He cocked his head. “Wait. Before I say, I have to know. Am I currently at risk of drowning?”

That brought out a brief, small smile. “Probably. I have trouble believing that’s ever stopped you from being a pest before, though.”

“Nah, but I like to know which particular forms of death I’m courting at any given time. Have to dress the part, you know?”

Mona snorted. “What do you wear to be drowned?”

Kaeya bit back the obvious response and just raised his eyebrows at her until she blushed and looked down again. But instead of the threat or counterattack he’d hoped for, she said, “Stop that. Stop…stop flirting with me. I don’t like it.”

Kaeya kicked a pebble along. “Hmm. Well then. I can always listen, instead?”

Mona’s hands went to her face and then she shook her head and glared up at him. “No! Why would I want to talk to an uneducated buffoon like you? I’d get more interesting insights out of… out of Razor!”

Being compared negatively to the barely-verbal wolf boy might have stung at another time but he could hardly be fussed about it now. Still, if she wanted to fight.… He protested “Hey, I’m pretty good at listening. You don’t need a big brain for that.”

With a sneer that didn’t suit her pretty face, Mona said, “Of course you are. Gathering information for all your little schemes.”

Kaeya blinked at her hostility and felt the ice crystals in his blood clink together. “Well, yeah. That’s kind of my job, you know? But you have to admit there’s not much scheming to be done out here.”

Her breath hissed between her teeth. “Yes, and you haven’t been doing much listening, either.”

That definitely would have hurt. But didn’t, because he was not going to let her hurt him. He couldn’t. He might shatter if she did.

Instead, cold billowing through him, he said, “Would you prefer I scheme? Shall I try to guess why this is suddenly about me?”

“Ah yes, the famous Captain Kaeya swelled head.” Mona shot him a scornful look. “Tell me how you think ‘this,’ whatever you mean by that, is about you.”

“Admit it, you enjoyed kissing me yesterday and you can’t stand that. Maybe you even want to do it again. Don’t worry, Meg. It’s a common reaction.”

Kaeya had calculated on making her scream at him. But, although she flinched, she also gave him a jaded look. “That’s all you can come up with?”

“Uh. I thought it was pretty good?” Kaeya hunched his shoulders uneasily. Suddenly trying to cheer up Mona didn’t seem like such a good idea after all. She had enjoyed kissing him, he knew that, and he was pretty sure that the idea of kissing him again would bother her. So what was going on now…?

Mona narrowed her eyes. “You lie nearly constantly, did you know that? Even when you’re not lying to me, you’re lying to yourself. It’s extremely irritating.”

Startled into a wry laugh that skated atop his freezing blood, Kaeya said, “That’s what I’ve heard but a man has to have a few pleasures. Come on, Mona, what’s going on?” He hadn’t wanted to ask that directly, not when the answer was so obvious, but at this point it was far more important to redirect the conversation anywhere else than him.

Her scowl didn’t change. “Why didn’t this cursed sky bother you? It affected almost everybody else, but not you and not Albedo.”

Once again, he did his best to steer the conversation. “Oh, it hit Albedo all right. He just did his big brain thing and then tucked it away. Surely you’ve seen him in action before. Anyhow, now who’s lying? I don’t believe for a minute you’re this pissed because of that.”

“You’re avoiding answering the question. So reliable.” Mona marched along without looking at him and he considered just retreating. Maybe he could drop in on Hu Tao instead.

Then Mona added acidly, “Come on, at least make up a story for me.”

Frustrated, Kaeya ran his hands through his hair and then pulled at it. “Fuck, I don’t know, Mona. I didn’t learn sky stories when I was a kid. The stars aren’t real to me like they are for you.”

Her jaw clenched. “Or you have some… immunity.”

“If I do, I don’t know about it,” Kaeya muttered. He’d looked up at the sky and it hadn’t made sense but what did these days? He’d noticed the moons but they’d been a picture in stained glass and he had a lot of experience thinking around stuff that scattered his thoughts. His ability to explain that to anybody was currently nonexistent. Explaining would require far too much thinking he simply couldn’t do.

But Mona had the look of a woman who wasn’t going to let this go. “I can tell that’s true, at least right now. But how about the you who came out at the Pyre? I want to talk to him.”

Something dark stirred under the surface.

Kaeya stopped walking. “That… wasn’t anybody. Just some childhood training coming back again. Bad memories.”

“A lie,” she said in a sing-song voice as she turned back toward him. “Do you know who he is yet?”

Irritating girl. Go to sleep, Kaeya, suggested the voice that sounded like his own. Go to sleep, just for a moment, and let me deal with this.

“No,” said Kaeya, and then added desperately, “No. I can’t, don’t you understand? I made my choice.”

Mona’s face wiped clean of expression for a moment. Then she shook her head briefly and something like sympathy touched her eyes. “It’s not enough, though. It never will be.”

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

I genuinely apologize in advance for this post. Sometimes Andrew Lawrence comes up in my YouTube recommendations, often as a canary in the coal mine to let me know I need to stop hate reading and/or watching stuff. My internet already knows I want to see British comedy - if I do enough hate watching to make it think I want to see right-wig bullshit too, that’s when the Andrew Lawrence videos start appearing, and then I know I need to stop that shit.

I really don’t do it often; it just annoyingly takes very little for him to start turning up. One wrong click on his stupid fucking face and then he’s everywhere for a few days, a virus that multiples if you give it attention.

...I couldn’t resist the one he did today, about some comedy awards that are happening this weekend. It’s just really funny when Andrew Lawrence rants about comedy, because you can see him looking at the life he willingly chose to give up, of being a comedian. This pushes it from being the “hate watching type of funny, which you’re only slightly laughing at in a bleak way and it’s mainly just frustrating and rage inducing”, to straight-up, laugh out loud funny. I clicked on it. I’m sorry. I know we’re not supposed to give these things views and we’re definitely not supposed to give them attention, which is why I won’t even link to it though obviously anyone could find it. I mean, you shouldn’t. No one should. But holy fuck it’s really funny.

(I’ll be honest: I don’t often watch his videos, but also, I don’t never watch his videos. I do click on them once in a while. I’m admitting that because I want credit for the fact that this is only the second time I’ve made a post about one of his videos, the first time being the absolutely hilarious one he did after it was announced that Mock the Week was cancelled, where he pronounced it “Dara O’Bri-en” and called out Frankie Boyle even though he hasn’t been on since 2009. Other than that I’ve refrained from mentioning them, even when I’ve watched them, which I normally don’t, I know a hate watch is the same as anything else on his view count. But this one is so funny.)

Anyway, here are some of the funniest things about this video:

- The title of Lawrence’s video calls them “C4 Anti-Comedy Awards”, which implies they’re just going to put medals on Richard Ayoade.

- He takes so much pleasure in dropping into the middle of it the fact that he doesn’t pay his license fee. Even though he’s listing that as the reason he can’t watch these awards, and – okay I’m not British so I may well be getting a fact wrong while trying to correct someone else, which is always embarrassing, but isn’t the license fee a BBC thing? These are the Channel 4 Awards.

- Many of the comments (look, I’ve already admitted to hate watching an Andrew Lawrence video, there’s no point in pretending I didn’t also hate read the comments) are complaining about Nish Kumar and/or The Last Leg, saying of course those terrible things will win everything. Neither Nish Kumar nor The Last Leg are nominated for any of those awards.

- At some point he refers to someone else having a “substitute for a personality”, and hearing those words said in that distinctive deadpan voice is really funny.

- I want to know which comedians he thinks Netflix is censoring.

- “Cowards pushing a poisonous identity-obsessed agenda that they don’t actually believe in.” Okay. I realize that’s what people like him say about comedy all the time, that if you don’t make a sufficiently racist joke every four minutes on average it’s just toxic wokeness or whatever. But this comment is a lot funnier if you look at the actual list of nominees. I mean… I’ve seen some comedy with sharp enough leftie credentials to terrifying the likes of Andrew Lawrence. But this shit? BBC Ghosts, and 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown, and Taskmaster, and Josh Widdicombe and Rob Beckett’s parenting podcast? There is nothing in here that should offend even the most easily upset of the Andrew Lawrence-type. What part of that list is he managing to look at and see poison?

Derry Girls criticized colonialism, which is pretty close to the evils of critical race theory, even if everyone involved is white. I guess if you assume anyone who’s not a straight white cis man ever appearing on screen is identity politics, you’d take issue with Starstruck and The Graham Norton Show. But come on. The Graham Norton Show. It’s not exactly revolutionary Marxism, is it? The Russell Howard Hour looks like radical left-wing propaganda compared to every show that’s nominated for these awards (except, again, Derry Girls - even for a hyperbolic joke I can’t suggest that Russell Howard has better left-wing credentials than Derry Girls).

(I’m feeling the need to clarify that I don’t even mean this as a bad thing, Taskmaster and BBC Ghosts are two of the least “edgy” shows I can think of, and they’re both absolutely fantastic. Not all comedy has to be sharply cutting radical satire. I’m just saying, this rant is extra funny when you look at the fact that the stuff that’s upset him so much is very much not sharply cutting radical satire.)

- Fucking love the conspiracy theory about the Edinburgh Fringe selling badly not because of skyrocketing prices, but because patrons of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival don’t want to see left-wing comedy. When I think of people who attend the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, I think of people who can’t stand that woke shit.

- Near the end, he suggests that Britain hasn’t got podcasts. Just throws that one in there. Comedy in Britain would be fine if only they were allowed to have podcasts. It’s that anti-podcast law passed by the British government that’s holding them all back. Why are no British people disseminating misinformation and toxic rhetoric via the medium of podcasts like the Americans are? I don’t know what he thinks Russell Brand does for a living.

- It is so funny when he goes straight from an absolutely unhinged rant, all these opinions just totally divorced from reality and delivered straightforwardly while staring directly into the camera, and then straight into “please do like and subscribe”.

Okay I’m done now. I will go back to pretending Andrew Lawrence doesn’t exist - or trying to, because now that I’ve watched that one he’ll be popping up everywhere again. That’ll be my cue to stop doing that.