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world-of-aus · 5 years ago

Text

Behind the Screen - (Part 11)

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Word Count: 3,721

Warnings 18+

Author’s Note: sorry for the day delay it seems like its going to be that week for me, but i will work to be better for next week! I will be prepared i promise lol! I hope you enjoy this chapter, as much as i enjoyed writing it lol! Thank you for reading angels!

Part 10 / SERIES MASTERLIST

“It’s too much,” you moaned grasping a hold of his wrist.

Your thighs quivered under the weight of his fingers dragging up your sensitive skin. Bucky chuckled huskily, nipping at your heated, sweaty skin, his tongue running over the bite.

“Told you I had plans for you doll,” he grinned.

Your body shiver under his, “didn’t think you’d meant overstimulation,” you murmured in your post orgasmic state.

He was chuckling lowly again then, “oh baby, you think that was overstimulation, that’s nothing close to it,”

“Buck” you groaned attempting to squirm away from those sinful lips, but his arms held you in place.

“Stop moving,” he grunted at the swat of your arms.

“I’m gross and sweaty Buck, I need a shower and sleep,”

He held you tighter his face burying itself into your neck, “shower and sleep when I’m out, right now I just wanna be with my girl,”

Your body stilled heart thumping away in your chest at his words, a sleepy smile pulling at your lips, “your girl huh,” you questioned, “ and where are you going?”

He picked up his head to look at you, “Tony’s send me out for recon, shouldn’t be more than a few days,”

Your brows furrowed, “Buck we just got back, YOU just got back, when did you accept the job?”

“At the debriefing, I’m going in alone though, it’ll be much faster that way,”

Though you didn’t voice it in worry of starting up an argument with him probably hours before he left something about this just didn’t sit right with you.

Wanting to push away the worry in your mind you pressed your lips to his once more. The two of you stayed wrapped up in each other until the early hours of the morning, your body clinging to his, the worry still sitting heavy on your chest.

It lingered though the feeling growing as you walked hand in hand with Bucky to the jet. The others had met with him earlier to see him off, wanting to give you two privacy for when he actually had to depart.

You watched him move around the area, making sure he had everything he needed. You rubbed at your chest hoping to ease some of the pressure that sat there.

Bucky turned in time to catch the motion, his brows furrowed, “you okay doll?”

You looked up from where your eyes had fallen to the ground to see a look of concern on his face, “yeah just thinking,” you murmured, Bucky didn’t believe it for a second. Closing the distance between the two of you he sweeped you into his arms, fingers crossing behind your back.

“What’s on your mind?” he voiced int your hair.

“just worried is all,” you didn’t want to keep him in the dark, but you also didn’t want to say too much and have him upset during flight, it would do him no good for him to go in without his head on straight.

His thumbs rubbed slow circles on your lower back, “I'll be home before you know it, I'll also be just fine sweetheart,”

You sighed leaning into his chest, “I just don’t like that they’re sending you out again, can’t they give us a break,”

He chuckled into your hair, puffs of warm air tousling your locks, “babe the bad guys never take a day's rest so we’re no exception,” he sighed, “I'll be safe, it’s an in and out job, and I'll be doing exactly that, in and out, once I get the chance and I'm sure I’m threw I'll get into contact with you, I won’t be gone longer than a week,”

You nodded your head, fingers curling into his gear a little tighter not wanting to let go just yet, “just come home, that’s all I ask,” you whispered looking up at him.

A small smile tugged at the corner of his lips, “I’ll come home to you, that’s a promise sweetheart,”

Your job was dangerous, the bad guys were ruthless, there was never telling if a job could go sideways, but at least you had each other to fall back too, except this time you were sending one in alone, and while Bucky had promised you he would come home to you there was just no promising that, but you wouldn’t voice your concern.

With a simple nod of your head and a bruising kiss to pressed to his lips you watched him walk away from you.

He’d be alright you thought, he’s going to come back to you at the end of the week, and everything will be as it once was.

You had been able to keep yourself and your mind busy the first few days, constantly reminding yourself that Bucky had till the end of the week. Those reminders had begun after day two, which had been Bucky’s guess of him returning home. Alongside that reminder you also had to tell yourself he was only taking longer to get home because it was a one-man job, and he didn’t have that back-up to make things move along faster. Day three and four, you were being to get restless without Bucky around to bother you, or keep you company, so you spent most of your time between Natasha, Sam and Steve. Day five was spent locked away in your room under the covers of your bed waiting for your phone to light up. Days six and seven were spent trying to remain hopeful but as the seconds, minutes, and hours ticked you by, the hope dwindled being replaced by the heavy worry on your chest.

Day 8 had you pacing, silent tears running down your face, he had been caught.

Steve had called the team down for an emergency meeting and had broken the news to you then.

“what do you mean he’s been caught, caught by who?” you questioned hurriedly, a look of worry taking over your features.

Sam had slid over to you, his arms wrapping around your shoulder, you had watched as Steve released a sigh, hand rubbing over the worry lines on his head.

“we don’t know much more right now other than that,”

Your heart fell from your chest, “are we going in to get him?”

“these men are dangerous y/n, we can’t just send anybody in, sending Bucky in was already a risk, I can’t risk another member,”

“wait, wait, wait,” you shook your head, trying to gather your thoughts, “you knew this was a dangerous recon even for him and you still sent him in alone?”

“We had no other choice, if we sent more than one person in they would have caught on,”

You threw your hands in the air almost knocking Sam away, “Steve we’re smarter than that, you could have sent in two, three, hell maybe even the whole team and we would have been smart enough to work through it, instead you made the rash decision to send him in alone,”

Steve knew you were right, “I couldn’t risk the team,” he sighed.

“But you could risk him?” you questioned voice rising with anger.

“He signed himself up” Steve fired back, “he asked me to put him in, he said he wanted to be the one sent on this mission, you really think I would have just sent him in there by himself, I tried talking him out of it, hell even Sam tried as well, but he argued that he could be in and out, that it would be a walk in the park,”

You looked to Sam, “it’s true y/n, we tried talking him out of it, we all wanted to believe this wouldn’t go sideways,”.

You sighed, “so how are we getting him out,”

A knock on your door had you wiping at your tears, you muttered a nasally come in, your door slowly swung open. Steve stood just outside of your door, “you can always back out if you need too, you don’t need to do this,”

Your hands fanned over your face, “just like you said you couldn’t risk sending in another member, this is me saying you won’t have to,” steve sighed, “Steve you said yourself these men know you, they know Natasha and they know Sam, had wanda not been away you could have sent her in, but she’s not I'm your only choice at possibly bringing him home,”

“just because they aren’t aware of you y/n doesn’t mean this will end well, it doesn’t mean you’re going to have a successful mission, it doesn’t-”

“Steve” you growled cutting him off, “you don’t think I know all of this, you don’t think I'm aware of all the possible dangers that come with our job, I know what I'm going into, and right now I'm our only hope of bringing him home, if-”

“don’t think like that y/n”

“like I said I know what dangers this job can bring, and super soldier or not, you aren’t immortal, when do I leave?”

Steve didn’t want to send you in, just like he didn’t want to send Bucky but he knew you were the only one with a remote chance of getting in and getting the two of you out. In his mind there was just no other way, he just prayed you wouldn’t end up in the same predicament as his best-friend.

Your sendoff was much more different than Bucky’s, no one there to see you off, the member’s torn apart by the hard decision Steve had to make. You couldn’t blame them though, it was better like this, in your experience at least, you just hope unlike Bucky you would be coming home, and with him in tow.

You looked up at the ratty, worn down metal warehouse before looking back down at the location Steve had sent you of Bucky’s last seen ware abouts. Pocketing your device you made sure your holster was secured around your thigh, your knife and gun tucked away neatly. You took quick calculated steps towards the building, staying light on your feet, molding in with the shadows. You stopped abruptly when your device vibrated profusely from within the confines of your pants. Pulling it out you pressed it to your ears ducking, “what is it Steve, are you trying to give me away?” you hissed.

“the men have been taken care of y/n, just get Bucky out and bring him home,”

Your words caught in your throat, “w-what do you mean taken care of, this is the first place I came too, havent even come across any goons.”

Steve laughed on the other end, “we had some help,”

“so Bucky should be the only one I come across?” you questioned unbelieving it could really be this easy.

“from what we’ve gathered, yes, but still be watchful, I know you won’t have another pair of eyes to watch your back but I also know you’ll do just fine,”

A sigh left your lips, “for once I hope you’re right,” you muttered.

“Just get home safe, we’ll be waiting here for you and Barnes,”

“noted Rogers, see you in a minute,” you grinned though he couldn’t see it.

Steve chuckled before a click sounded from the device, you pocketed it, taking in a shuddering breath before your feet pushed you forward. Finding a side door, you pulled it open cringing when it squeaked on its rusty hinges. Leave it to Barnes to get caught and captured in a rundown warehouse, the whole building was screaming for someone to get caught. Rusty doors, a broken infrastructure, hell even the cemented floors had a squeak to them.

You continued to walk further into the darkened building the only guiding light was from the holes in the roof filtering in the moonlight. Not seeing any sign of other’s around you moved around faster, coming from the shadows to speed up your search. You kicked various doors in but found nothing except torn down rooms. The worry was beginning to creep on you, but you shook the feeling off intent on tearing this warehouse top to bottom if that’s what it took to find Bucky.

You were coming across the last door in the building and you worried that just like the others he wouldn’t be here either. Like the other’s before it this one was also locked, lifting your foot up and back you brought it down onto the weak structure, the door shattering under your foot, splinters of wood flying in every direction.

“fuck you’re a sight for sore eyes,”

You sagged in the doorway a breath of relief falling from your lips, “oh thank god you’re alright,” you breathed moving forward on shaky legs.

Bucky was suspended up, handcuffs bound tightly to his wrists, the toe of his boots scuffing the floor occasionally as he dangled.

You looked at the cuffs, his wrist bloody, “Jesus Buck how did you manage to get yourself into a predicament like this,” you questioned as you thought a way to get him down.

“I've been caught for a few days now babe, they only just managed to hold me down long enough to bring me out here and cuff me in this damn room, they had received word that you all were coming in for retrival and decided to move me before you all could get to them a mistake on their end if you ask me”

You shook your head, looking around the room for something to stand on, you weren’t sure how long his wrist could hold his weight up, and frankly you didn’t want to find out, “did they take out all the things for me to possibly stand on, why the hell did they choose such a shitty place to handcuff you too,” you groaned.

Bucky grinned, “would you have preferred they handcuff me to your bed?”

You stopped your search to whip your head around to stare at him, “I should just leave you there for joking about this, you had us all worried,” you muttered.

Buckys grin fell, “m’sorry sweetheart, just trying to make light of a shitty situation, thought it would make you smile.”

“well don’t Buck you-” you sucked in a shaky breath, “you had me worried, you should have never agreed to this mission, you should have never said you would take it,”

He raised a brow, “how did you know?” he questioned.

“Steve told me,” you murmured as you looked at his wrists, a frustrated sigh left your lips. There was nothing for you to climb on to get you to those cuffs, well nothing except for maybe Bucky, but even then the added weight will just have it chewing through his wrist that much quicker.

You moved toward him, “this may hurt,” you muttered as you threw a leg over his waist, your arms going around his neck as you hoisted yourself up, breasts pushed into his face. You hit him with your foot, “buck stop nuzzling my damn breasts, I'm trying to get you off,”

“you’re messing with the wrong thing if you want to do that sweetheart,” he murmured biting at your chest.

A groan fell from your lips, “buck, babe seriously, I need to get you down your right wrist is bleeding and all you can do right now is think with your head downstairs?”

“can you blame a man, sweetheart, it's been 8 days without you, and the first thing I'm greeted with is your breasts in my face, I can die happily now,” he grinned nipping at your skin again, “ow fuck, okay, I'll stop” he grunted when you sent him another kick to his backside.

“good” you muttered, as you worked on freeing his right wrist, it took you awhile but after searching through yours and Buckys body you finally found something promising to poke through the key whole, it took a few seconds before his bloodied wrist was falling free from the confines of the cuff the hand wrapping itself around you waist. You immediately slid across his body to the other side, “god doll,” he murmured his face pushing into your chest again, “you have no idea how much I missed you,”

“I’m pretty sure I have an idea,” you grunted feeling his hardness, “buck stop moving goddamnit, I'm trying to get you free here,”

A growl was leaving his lips, his left hand whirred under yours a crack sounding through the room as he pulled down the wooden bar he had been cuffed too splitting. You both tumbled to the ground his body falling on top of yours, a pained groan leaving your lips at the impact, “fuck why didn’t you just do that before,” you huffed wincing at the pain that shot up your back.

He doesn’t say a word as he closes the distance between you his lips pressing to your roughly, a moan is leaving his lips at the feel of yours against his. Your fingers tangle in his long locks, bringing him closer tongues dancing with one another. He pushes you into the cement below your back, desperate to feel you, to be close to you.

“missed you so much doll,” he murmurs as he pulls away to run his lips over the rest of you he can reach. Sucking in a breath of air, a moan falls from your lips as Bucky finds his way down to your neck, nipping at the” sensitive skin there. Your hands slide down to his chest, trying to push him up but he won’t budge, “buck,” you moan body arching, “we need to go, we can finish this when we get home, let’s get you home baby,” you groaned as he sucked at the skin of your neck.

He’s not listening as his hands slide down your body fingers working the button of your pants open, hand sliding past your panties, finger seeking out your warmth. “Fuck Bucky please,” you moan as his fingers expertly find your aching bundle. He nips at your chin, fingers circling your clit, your body arching as your body thrums with pleasure.

“need you baby,” he whispers, “don’t want to wait till we get home to have you writhing under me,”

Your pussy is clenching at his words, the words doing things to you, “please,” your moaning again, though your not sure what your asking for.

“tell me what you want baby,” he sounds wrecked and you’re not even doing anything to him.

His fingers sliding into your heat have all coherent thoughts flying out the window, fuck me you thought.

“you want me to fuck you baby?” he whispers leaning down to nip at you ear.

Shit, you had said that out loud in your pleasurable haze, it’s not like the team was waiting for you outside, and fuck if you hadn’t been hot and horny the entire time he had been gone. Throwing caution to the wind you lean up to press your mouth to his tongue sliding against his, lips moving needily against one another.

You slide your hands between your bodies, fingers searching for the button of his pants. The little space between your bodies has Bucky growling into you lips as he pushes up his hand slapping yours away as he works his own pants down, cock springing free from the confines of his pants. Your tongue runs over your bottom lip.

“like what you see sweetheart,” he grins pumping himself a few times, the tip running over you wet folds.

Another plea falls from your lips as he lines himself up with your entrance sinking in slowly, low groans falling from both of your mouths.

Bucky’s head falls back feeling your pussy clench around his aching member, “fuck that feels so good,” he hisses through gritted teeth. He falls forward forehead pressing against yours, his warm breath fanning across your face. Your eyes are staring deeply into one another, a desperate need growing from within you feeling his cock throb inside of your warmth. Your arms wrap around his shoulders, “fuck me buck, I need you,” your moaning against his lips.

His hips pull back slowly, his cock dragging within you leaving behind a delicious burn, he's just at the tip before he’s slamming back in. The pace he sets is relentless, your body sliding against the cemented floor, low hisses falling from your lips at the burn. His hips are driving into you, hands keeping you in place as he fucks up into you. You cling into him, head buried in his shoulder, moans of his name falling from your lips.

His thrusts are wild, desperate, muscles tense under your fingers that keep you bound to him. You had never had Bucky like this, so desperate, needy, out of control, you’d be lying if you said this didn’t do things for you.

Your close and Bucky can tell, your walls clenching around him tightly as he draws your wound up body closer to release, “you going to cum for me sweetheart, cum all over my cock?” he questions fingers sliding down to circle your aching clit.

A loud moan is falling from your lips at not only his fingers but also his words, fuck if that isn't the hottest thing you’d ever heard fall from his sinful lips.

“Cum for me y/n, come on baby cum for me,” he moans into your ear, licking over the shell of it, that’s all it takes for him to have you falling apart in his arms. Your back arches, chest pressing into his as your orgasm takes over your body. The moans falling from your lips is enough to send him over as well, his warmth filling you up, “fuck y/n!” he groans continuing to fuck you through both your orgasms.

He slumps forward body crushing yours, face nuzzling your neck as he breathes you in, “I really did miss you sweetheart,” he murmurs.

Your fingers find their way into his hair scratching at his scalp, “I missed you too Buck,” you whispered pressing a kiss to his head, “can we agree to never do this again,”

“Won’t promise, but I'll try my hardest,” he replies picking up his weary head to look at you.

Your fingers run over his face, “I’ll take that,” you murmur pressing your lips to his.

Part 12

Behind The Screen Tag-list: @ladifreakingda @georgialeighc13 @racewife2004 @multy-fandom-lover @otvlanga @sailorstupidsblog @n1ghtsh4d3-67 @wantingtobekorra @gazzan-a @clarinette07 @amanda-the-fangirl @im-sure-its-fine @sagechanoafterdark @heyywestman @runaway-escape @ilovesupersoldiers @unlistedpond @rayofdawnworld @badassbaker @spookyanairwin @fandom-basurero @krabby-tentacles @sassy-pelican @lizlepuffs @jaywolf840 @xoasalxo @buckys-plums3 @buchanansebba

#behind the screen #bucky x reader #bucky x you #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes smut #marvel fanfiction #marvel fanfic

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arthurflecksgirl · 4 years ago

Note

Hiiii it's me again😂❤️ Can I have a ff where Artie Is at Arkham and it's his last day in. and x Reader comes to pick him up from the hospital🥺 and they go home together, and as always if you want to add some cuddles or She helps Artie to take a warm bath🥺 It would be nice

Oh my dear friend, thank you so much for the request. It was a very emotional ride and very intimate to write. I hope with all my heart that you will like it. Love you so much!

💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚

The moment the door opened you felt your heart crumble. That heavy, white door with the tiney window. He must have stared at this window for so many nights.

The bed was empty. For a second you feared that he broke out of the hospital. If that was the case they would find him and lock him up again. Way longer than last time. The thought of being seperated from him for another few weeks or months seemed unbearable. Looking back at the last weeks without him made you wonder how you managed to stay sane yourself. The empty bed, the stillness of his empty apartment...it felt like the walls were closing in on you. Night for night was spent on his couch, alone, trying to remember his skin on yours, pressing his pillow close to your face to smell the remains of his sweat and shampoo that got caught up in the soft fabric.

He was missing from you like a part of your very own body. And now you`re gonna get your missing part back. Taking it home with you. Filling his apartment with love again.

Your eyes searched for him. That room. Standig between these four walls made you feel snowblind. All the white. Even Arthur was dressed in white. The only contrast was his dark hair .

Arthur was sitting in the corner of the room. Crumbled up on the floor, like a piece of paper. Like a love letter that wasn`t well written enough to send it, so the writer just formed it into a ball and threw it across the room.

But you wanted to read it. Every sentence. Every letter. You wanted to take that page and uncrumble it. Make it readable again, to realize how beautifully written it actually was. Poetry. The purest form there ever was.

Arthur was the poem who remained unnoticed. Unseen by so many. Even by the ones who wrote him.

The doctor kept looking at you, talked about last night and how Arthur kept whimpering your name. But all you could do was focusing on that one curls that fell to Arthurs forehead. His head was hanging heavy on his shoulders. He looked downwards.

"Artie, darling? I`m here. " you got up to him to knee on the ground.

Arthur finally lifted his head. The circles under his eyes darkened since you saw him two days ago. He looked exhausted as you gently stroke his hair. A tired smile crossed his sad eyed face. His curls felt greasy like he didnt washed it for at least a week.

"You look tired, darling"

Arthur tried to get up but he seemed so much weaker than he was when he got here.

"Im so tired, Y/N. I`m so very tired." He sat down on the floor again "You`re really here aren`t you?"

"I am. Its your last day. I will take you home with me now".

Arhur started to cry "Can you please hug me. I need to feel that this is real. I want to hug you but....I can`t"

It was now that you realized that he was still in his handcuffs.

You wrapped your arms around him so tight you felt his ribcage poking you. Silent tears fell from his eyes onto your shoulders. "I missed you so much, Arthur. I was so incompleate without your breath on my neck at night. "

He nodded, unable to answer. He just cried.

"Cry, sweetheart.its okay let it all out. It`s over now. You can go home with me. No more lonely night in this cold room. We`re gonna go home now and I`m gonna make you a nice, hot bath before we disappear under the sheets.

The doctor looked at you with disguise "A hot bath sounds like a plan. Mr Fleck refused to take a shower for 9 days straight. "

You didnt liked the tone in her voice.

"Why is he still wearing his handcuffs anyway?" you asked.

"Because you can never know with him." The doctor replied, giving him a dirty look.

You wanted to tell her how damn rude she was but you kept silent to not risk anything.

"And he refused to eat,too. We actually thought he wated to starve himself to death in here. Which is illegal."

The anger inside of you grew with every word she said, but you concentrated on Arthur and supported him to get up. "C`mon, darling. We`re gonna leave this place now."

Arthur once again fell into your arms, desperately trying to touch you with his cuffed hands. You held his fingers inside your fist "You`ll feel better soon, I promise."

The doctor took a step closer and got the keys to unlock the handcuffs. "Goodbye, Mr. Fleck. " her voice sounded cold and heartless. You noticed her taking a step back as Arthur looked up to starte into her eyes. Almost like she was afraid of him. How could anyone be afraid of him?

Arthur didnt answer. The second his hands were free he hugged you with his whole body. So tight it felt like you shared the same jumpsuit. He held your face between his hands. They were as gentle as always. The most gently hands in the world. He seemed different. But still the same. His fingertips stroke your face, your cheekbones and nose, your chin. "I missed touching you, Y/N. Oh, I need to touch you so bad. " The intensivity of his eyes never left, even when he looked as tired as he did now. He was so touch starved. Just as you.

"Not in here, Mr Fleck. You know the rules." The doctors voice really got on your nerves. Did she had any idea how hard it was not being able to share your love ? Did she even knew how it felt to be in love? To be forced to leave your other half behind? At a mental hospital?

You both ignored her, touching each others faces "I missed the taste of you" he breathed upon your mouth, right before your lips met. Arthur kissed you with all that was within him. His mouth was dry from all the medication. His lips cracked. But his kiss was full of love and admiration for you. Full of longing and pain.

Your fingers ran through his messy hair. It was getting even longer than usual. Almost reaching his shoulders.

"Please!" The doctor started to sound angry. "This is not allowed! You`ve got enough time in your hands when you`re out of this building".

Your lips parted again.

"Thats right Dr. Finn. Goodbye." you grabbed Arthurs hand and lead him out of the room.

Before you left Arkham Arthur was lead into the changing room, where he got rid of his white clothing. He looked so much more like himself when he got back. His brown cardigan made him look softer than ever before. He touched the soft, worn out fabric of it, convincing himself that this was all real. Grounding.

It felt good to leave this bulding which became his second home after so many years of being in and out. A home that felt more like a prison since there was someone waiting for him outside these walls.

The whole way home on the tram Arthur rested his head on your shoulder, closing his eyes. He needed sleep.

"I havent slept for days" he whispered while you sqeezed his hand. "I couldnt close an eye without you by my side. Even the sleeping pills couldnt help."

"We`re gonna make you rest as soon as we get home, Artie."

Artur almost drifted off into sleep on the ride home. Leaning on your shoulder was enough to make him feel save enough to get sleepy.

When you arrived home you took off his sweater and pants "You`re freezing, baby."

"I know."

"Do you still want to take a bath before going to bed?"

"Yeah...please! I feel kinda... dirty".

You kissed his forehead and handed him a bathrobe "Put this on while the water is still running. It will keep you warm. I will make you some soup, okay? You gotta eat something,too."

Arthur nodded "Okay. But...I`m afaraid my stomach cant hold it. They gave me some new meds and it was getting worse again. "He looked ahamed as you walked into the kitchen to boil some water. "Dont worry, Artie. We`ll go slowly. But we have to try. I wont let you go to bed with an empty stomach today. It must have been days since you had eaten something. "

Arthur followed you into the kitchen. He needed to be near you every second. He looked so lost in his bathrobe. So helpless.

"Alright, the soup will be done when you finished bathing. " you smiled. Arthur mirrored your smile and followed you back into the bathroom. He stil walked like he had his handcuffs on, which was a sad thing to wittness.

Arthur froze when you helped him out of his bathrobe and into the bathtub. He was even skinnier than usual. His body looked like he was close to a break down. His shoulderbone seemed like it was about to burst through his fragile skin. He`s got some small bruises on his wrists and his tummy was sucked in.

The warm water felt like an embrace as he let himself sink into it. He immediately closed his eyes and awaited your touch.

"I`m so gald to be home" he mumbled as you started to shampoo his sweaty hair. Washing his beautiful curls always felt very intimate to you. You had a thing for his hair. Every strain of it was holy to you. Every curl a poem.

You noticed a small wound on his forehead as you tried not to let the shampoo run into his eyes. "You`re hurt"

"I know. It was my fault. I did it to myself. I`m sorry if I disappoint you"

"Artie, you could never disappoint me. Do you hear me?"

He nodded.

"I love you more than anything, Arthur"

"My whole life I never loved anything else" he replied.

You stopped washing his hair for a second to lean in to kiss him. The warm water dripped down his forehead. You tasted his shampoo upon your lips.

He was home with you.

Life was sweet.

You took the sponge and washed away the pain and loneliness. Every bad memory, every sleepless night at Arkham. You washed it all way. Watching the pain dissappear in his eyes.

Arthurs musicles started to relax under your tender touch. Even his tense tummy.

He was thankful for all the attention, the love. A smile crossed his face after he got out of the bathtub. You hugged him while he was still naked.

"You feel better now, sweetheart?"

" A lot, Y/N. Thank you. I`m trying to eat some soup now. Just for you!"

"Thats great, Artie. lets do it" you handed him oneof his sweaters. "Um....can I have....would you let me wear one of yours? " he asked with his little voice.

"Of course, Arthur. Oh god, sure. Wait I will get you one!"

A minute later you came back with your fave sweater. Arthur slipped into it like it was his.

"Thank you so much. Its so comortig to wear your clothes".

"Anytime, baby" you got the bowl of soup.

Arthur sat down on the couch. He didnt even asked for a cigarette.

You noticed his eyes watering.

"Whats wrong, Artie?"

"I`m afraid I might throw up. I`ll be so embarassing."

You took the spoon and put it to his lips "There is no reason to be ashamed. The important thing is to try. If you have to throw up its okay. "

"I threw up at Arkham and they yelled at me"

"I´m not gonna yell at you."

"I know....I know that." he whispered.

Arthur swallowed after you fed him the first spoon.

"Is that okay?"

"Yeah."

"Another?"

"Yeah"

You fed him three spoons of soup until he was close to spit it out again.

"Its okay, baby. Take your time. We`ve got all the time in the world to make you eat."

"Thank you so much, Y/N. I dont know what I would do without you."

Arthur waited five minutes until he was ready for another four spoons.

"I´m proud of you, Arthur. Really. You`re doing great.

"Thank you Y/N. For helping me with that. I think thats all I can eat for today. But maybe....tomorrow. Or later when I wake up. Maybe you can leave the bowl of soup next to my bed"

"Sure, darling." You kissed the corner of his mouth and placed the bowl on the table.

"Try to get some sleep now. I`ll be right here with you".

Arthur layed down on the couch as you joined him.

His huge blanket covered both of your bodies.

"Finally" he muttered, pulling you close to his heart, burying his face in the crook of your neck, kissing it gently as he breathed you in.

The familiar smell of his own sheets helped him relax.

"Y/N?"

"Yes Arthur?"

"Would you....like...sing me to sleep or something?"

"Of course,my love"

Arthur closed his tired eyes as your voice quietly echoed through apartment 8J.

"The moon is a silver dollar shining up in the sky

There is a dream we can buy.

Sweetheart you and I

The moon is a silver dollar

Made for lovers to share

And with you in my arms

I`m a millionaire

Our care in troubles

Will all be small change

Someday they all change

Into a dream come true

The moon is a silver dollar

What a glorious sight

Lets invest at him love

Tonight"

---

@impulsiveclown @ben-solos-writing-avenger @jokerownsmysoul @missjoker96 @arthurskitten @lynnesm @nonnymousse @gwynplaine89 @damnrightobsessedwithim @sgtsavoytruffle @duhliriouss @sadjesterautumn @therealjokerking10 @flowerglitterwoman @thirstforfleck @spookyhome @iartsometimes @you-cant-cry-in-here @bustafatclownnut @jokerismyhubbie @jokerflecker @check-out-this-joker @darknessisafriend @nicoleverse @mdme-rosary @arthurhappyclown @neon-umbrella-for-stella @cherrymoon75 @call-me-harley-quinn @arthurjokersgirl

@aarthurfleckk @mylovelycrazyworld @clownalog @ajokerfangirl @the-one-who-is-chaos

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7wanderingpaws · 5 years ago

Text

Simply, Yours. (5)

Pairing: Baekhyun x reader

Genre: family AU, hapkido teacher AU

Word count: 3.1K

Warnings: cursing

a/n: Finally I am updating this little story! I havent updated it in a long while for which I apologise, it wasnt my intention :( But there will be a slight twist in their “planned” pregnancy so... I cant wait to have a little fun 😁 I am always eager to hear your opinions.🙌 Stay safe!

MASTERLIST

PARTS: 1 . 2 . 3 . 4 . 5

This time, Baekhyun was the first one to be awake. Stirring a little bit around, he turned to his right side where your back was facing him, your hair splayed out on the pillow like a wild willow tree.

Scurrying a little closer, he brought his pillow to yours, his arm finding your sweet middle as he breathed in your fresh scent. He really liked moments like these, when the sun had yet to rise, the clock had yet to struck 6 and you had yet to wake up, while he could just indulge in looking at you without being interrupted by anything or anyone.

Plus, the fact that few days had already passed since both you and him found out about your state did not mean he got used to the idea of suddenly three people occupying this bed. What a miracle, he thought. What a blessing.

Baekhyun carefully maneuvered himself out of the bed, his feet gently tapping on the wooden floor as he tiptoed to your side to turn off your alarm clock. He wanted to be the one to surprise you and wake you up with healthy breakfast in bed before both of you would have to head out to your work places.

Today he had a hapkido class with university students and as much as he loved the class, he just wanted to spend time with you.

He was just in the middle of pouring thick and rich pumpkin porridge into the last bowl when he heard you open the bedroom door.

“Baekhyun, what are you doing up so early?” you murmured, your voice low and heavy. “Sorry, it seems like I forgot to turn on the alarm clock. I would have done the breakfast myself,” you continued walking to his side to take the big pot out of his hand so that you could do it instead of him.

Baekhyun continued his job, not budging once at your prying hands. “Why are you up if your alarm clock didn't go off? I worked so hard this morning to turn off your alarm, and yet here you are beating the nature clock.”

“You turned off my alarm?” you asked, surprised.

“Of course I did!” exclaimed Baekhyun, as he put the pot back down on the stove and reached for the drawer to take out two spoons. “Now go back to bed, we have a breakfast to eat and you still owe me a face of surprise when I bring the food in,” he said, preoccupied with putting the bowls on the tray.

You held back the giggle that was threatening to spill at his antiques. “Alright, let me just pee real quick.”

By the time you were back, Baekhyun was bouncing on the bed, eagerly waiting for both of you to indulge in the hot porridge that was one of your favourites. You made sure to look completely taken aback when you sat down on the bed, giving him a loud peck on the cheek before making yourself comfortable. “You know this is the food we have after a hangover,” you murmured, taking a big spoonful and swallowing it in one.

“Oho, slow down, hungry cub. You will get a tummy ache if you eat so fast,” scolded Baekhyun gently, making you smile.

“Yes, chef.”

He gave you a wink. “And anyway. You love this porridge, might as well please your taste buds.”

You nodded, devouring a spoonful after another until you were done before him. And that rarely ever happened. “Done!”

he shook his head at you, trying to swallow the last bids of his porridge.

“Look at me! I rock today,” you laughed loudly when he pouted.

“It isn't fair,” he whined, putting down his spoon into now an empty bowl. “I am alone while you guys are two!”

Your laughter halted, melting into an endearing smile. Warmth spread through your insides. “I don't think its the matter yet,” you responded. “It has long way to grow for me to eat for two, you know?”

“No, it doesn't. It still counts.”

Rolling your eyes at him, you reached over the tray to mess up his bed hair. “Alright, whatever you say, mister. Still does not change the fact that I win for today, ha! And now, you better hurry, you need to be at the university in an hour!”

“First a kiss,” he demanded, crossing his arms on his chest.

Smiling, you pressed your lips to his warm ones, tasting the porridge.

“Love you,” he murmured.

Once Baekhyun was out the door, you rushed to prepare for your work only to end up with your head in the toilet, throwing up all the porridge and more.

____

You made it your absolute, utmost priority to keep your blessed state as far away from the workplace as possible. Not only was it all so fresh and new, but you also needed to wait till the first trimester was over to be 100% sure the pregnancy was safe and actually happening. Besides, you would lose your job immediately if your boss as much as whifs a baby around you. Thankfully, he was not the smartest man, as much as he insisted himself.

It only got proven when he called you into his office few days later, his meaty index finger pointing at the contract in front of him. It was a deal between yours and a Chinese company, but it was written in English. “I am sure there was a mistake on their side,” he mumbled, frustration slowly, but surely boiling in his facial features as he was gripping the piece of paper. He chuckled bitterly. “And they think I wouldnt find out? Just who do they think they are? I find out everything,” he seethed through gritted teeth as he suddenly snapped his eyes up at you, catching you off guard in the process.

You winced, taking a cautious step back, trying not to give too much attention to the meaning behind his words. “Sir, I believe this is correct,” you tried to explain gently, “the deal does not have any mistakes in English, we have already skimmed through it.”

He frowned. “But the calculations aren't correct. There should be one more zero.”

As calmly as you possibly could, you explained to him that he, indeed, bought much more than he actually thought. Making business was not always rainbows and unicorns, and today this fact seemed to dawn on your boss. “You were in a conference call last week,” you kept reminding him, “and because they offered you a good deal, you decided to buy more. Therefore you had to pay more, and we received less.”

He snatched the paper out of your small hands and gave you an ugly stare. “Whatever. I know my things,” he mumbled, turning his face back to the table.

“That is my job, sir.”

He whipped his head back at you again, but you only bowed at him politely, turning to walk out of his office when he started: “I still haven't scolded you for lying to me.”

Raising your head from your bow, you looked at him with worried eyes. “Lied to you, sir?”

He scoffed. “You lying about having a boyfriend was not the best move. Even if it is a white lie, I don't want any of it in my office. Nor in this company.”

You nodded, fully aware and guilty. You saw this coming sooner or later.

“And,” he started, giving you a side-look. “You plan on getting married?”

Holding back your breath, you knew you could reply to him truthfully. “No. Definitely not anytime soon anyway. As you know, it is a pricey matter.”

“Well, if you keep up the good work here, you might be able to save some money for such occasion,” he replied, his poker face giving you a slight unease. “Besides, I'm sure your handsome boyfriend would earn loads with that face of his.”

To that, you did not want to reply. Baekhyun, indeed, was a handsome man. This was a fact ever since you got to really know him back in the high school days, when he already graduated but still would sometimes visit your school for physical work around the building. The girls would be drooling and swooning in the big hallway windows during break, but he saved his handsome boyish smiles only for you, always giving you a wink that would swoosh away the unwanted company of other girls.

When your boss realised he wouldn't get an answer from you, he ended the conversation on a very straight-forward note. “Whatever. Just don't get pregnant with him. Or anyone. No pregnancy in this company.”

It has been a few weeks later that the battle with the rollercoaster of your emotions had gone downward. There were still no direct signs of a small human being inside of you, but oh my goodness, were your hormones and emotions acting up. Tired of constantly puking your guts out on the morning, then rushing to work, dealing with the moody bastard of a boss, being either desperate for Baekhyun's touch or just plain hating his presence in the same room was driving you up the wall.

Countless times you ended up bawling your eyes out in the bathroom in your work, or in the shower at home, because you didn't see a way out of this. Plus, the stress of accidentally revealing your pregnancy even to the ever-so-kind Sukyeong left you with a heavy soul. You needed to talk to someone of your age, you needed some help but your own independent self couldn't as much as think of such an option.

Another issue was scaring Baekhyun away from you and him leaving you alone in this mess that HE created… No, scratch that. Your slight change in weight made you feel so utterly unattractive that you were trying not to physically shudder whenever he complimented you about your looks. And the poor boy hadn't even a clue about your internal turmoil.

You sighed.

“You look freaking gorgeous, love.”

He said it again. And he meant it, he honestly did. You saw it in his eyes.

Being now almost past the first trimester, you and Baekhyun were both dressing up for your scheduled ultrasound at the doctor's. Although you were a bit nervous, you were thankful Baekhyun was always there throughout each check-up you had. And yet, here you were pissed at him, but you said nothing.

“Are you alright?” he asked you carefully, knowing how your mood could change within a nanosecond. He came closer to you as you were standing in front of the mirror you had in your tiny bedroom.

Swallowing harshly, you nodded, but did not look into his eyes. Ever so gently, through your tight dress, you saw a gentle baby bump. It could easily be covered up (and you did passionately cover it up for work) but it was there. Solid. A prove that it was real.

“Do we want to know the gender, honey?” asked Baekhyun gently, as he made another step closer to you and he let his hands hold your hips before his wide palms ever-so slowly slid over your stomach where he let them rest. Then his chin came resting on your shoulder as he turned his face to give you a gentle kiss to your neck.

You heart-rate picked up and it wasn't because of the high blood pressure you had been experiencing recently. “I don't know,” you whispered looking at him through the reflection in the mirror, “do we?”

This topic has been on your mind for the longest time. Do you want to be surprised? Or do you want to be prepared? Surely, in the nature of the village life, the answer would be an immediate: yes, we do want to know. Poor villagers always wanted certainty, and it was only understandable. But maybe this unpredictable city life of Seoul made you more adventurous. You might have not wanted to know.

He hummed, the vibrations in his chest sending electric shocks down your spine, causing you to squirm in his arms. He let out an amused laugh through his nose before he whispered into your ear: “So sensitive, my love.”

“You fucking tease,” you glowered, but leaned back into him.

He gasped softly and squeezed your body. “Now there, sweet cheeks, we do not swear with a baby inside of you.”

“Then stop teasing, love” you snapped back and he laughed now with an open mouth. “You know exactly what you are doing. You're sneaky.”

“Sure I am. You know me, hun. And now back to the point,” he emphasized, and you rolled your eyes but smiled anyways. “I don't mind if we get surprised. But if you want the gender to be revealed, I am supporting that as well.”

You nodded as you held his hands on your belly, letting your fingers caress the top of his knuckles. “Alright,” you said, nodding. “I think I will, ehm, see how I feel once we are there?”

He hummed in approval before he turned his head again, waiting for you to turn your face to see him. So you did. And then he gave you the sweetest smile of support before he leaned in and gave you a breathtaking kiss, ending it with a loud smack. “Shall we go then?”

Usually it was always an uncomfortable experience to sit in the waiting room of your doctor with other pregnant ladies. When you weren't pregnant, you felt so out of place, despite you having an active lovemaking life. That was why you were sitting there, right? Even at those times, Baekhyun was going with you, just because he wanted to be responsible and also to support you. He knew how much the village ladies didn't go for regular check-ups.

So now, sitting there with your tiny belly as your hands were intertwined with your boyfriend, it was a completely different feeling. You were still shy to as much as lie on that stupid chair, let alone spread your legs in front of a stranger - even though it was a woman and a doctor. But now it just felt right. You were eager. Excited. Happy. Curious. And Baekhyun felt your excitement as your knee was bouncing up and down. He was excited as well. The sparkle in his eyes was proving it.

Once finally inside, you both took a seat opposite your doctor, who gifted you with a kind smile as she also took a seat and skimmed through your papers. “The lovely couple I could never forget,” she noted, briefly looking at you and Baekhyun before diving back into your records. “And the unplanned baby. So!” she exclaimed, folding quickly the papers before she rested her laced hands down on the table. “Any abnormalities?” she looked at you, obviously expecting you to answer her questions.

Squeezing Baekhyun's hand under the table, you shrugged, not sure if what you were about to say was an abnormality. “Crazy mood swings. Emotions are a mess. Throwing up is still on, but thankfully not so often… And my boobs hurt,” you mumbled the last sentence, looking at your hand engulfed in Baekhyun's, a slight blush creeping up your cheeks. This time Baekhyun squeezed your hand, although you didn't notice the affectionate look he sent your way. You dared to look up when you heard the doctor laugh.

“Those are all completely normal signs. Is your blood pressure still acting up?” she asked and as she was waiting for your reply she turned in her chair and grabbed the little machine. “I will check it now.”

You nodded but Baekhyun answered for you. “She had a couple of dizzy moments, but it wasn't as severe.”

The doctor nodded and checked you up, writing down the final results. “It's normal today. But if it will get too high, you need to go to the hospital. You know that, right?”

Not the happiest with her advice, you nodded.

“Good,” she replied cheerfully. “Any questions before we start the ultrasound?”

You were just about to shake your head when your boyfriend cleared his throat, stopping you from doing the action. You gave him a wary look, and he squeezed your hand again when he spoke: “How is it with, eh, sex? As the baby is growing, we are not sure how far we can go or if we should even do it. And I wouldn't want to hurt my girlfriend or the baby...” he trailed off, his ears growing pink. You felt your heart swell with love for him as you smiled like a little high school student.

“Oh my god, please do have sex,” replied your doctor, her eyes worried as she gestured with her hand to you. “She might not be showing it, but the sexual frustration can get out of hand, to put it nicely,” she continued, her stance confident. “Paying attention to your pregnant lady is very important in every phase of pregnancy and it is completely safe. Of course, around the due date you might want to be more careful, however it does not necessarily affect the baby in any way, so there is no need to worry, Baekhyun. It is more than healthy,” she laughed loudly, making you and Baekhyun giggle in the meantime.

“Any more questions? No? Good! Then let's get to it,” she clapped her hands, swiftly getting up from her chair and walking to the bed where you lied down, now familiar with the process. Baekhyun was sitting on a chair just where your head was, and he ran his fingers through your hair, giving you a reassuring smile while you tried not wince at the cold gel touching your hot skin covering your stomach.

“So do we want to find out the gender?” she asked as she spread the gel evenly, now digging into your tummy while she was already looking at the screen.

You contemplated quickly but before you could answer the doctor cut through: “Or do you want to know how many babies you would have?” she asked, but her voice was light but a bit unfocused as she stared at the screen.

Not seeing Baekhyun's frown, he asked: “What do you mean?”

It was silent for a little longer, your doctor going through the same trail on your belly again, probably to double check whatever she saw there. Letting out a tiny laugh, she turned to look at your puzzled looks. “Well, this is fantastic!” she exclaimed and for some strange reason you had a feeling this might not be the best news, nor the news you were expecting when you were coming there. So when she uttered the next words, you felt your world crumbling down on you, and this time you could be sure Baekhyun wasn't as confident either. “You are expecting triplets!”

#baekhyun scenario #baekhyun fanfiction #baekhyun fanfic #baekhyun imagine #baekhyun au #exo scenario #exo au #baekhyun fluff #kpop fluff #kpop au #kpop scenario #mywritings

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thedankfaerie · 5 years ago

Text

i am posting this here because i am tired of burdening my boyfriend with my feelings. this is a little nsfw. and this is my call for help. i dont know who to talk to anymore about this.

i need someone to hear what i feel

or at least, a free space to say what i feel

im in a low place. i feel so awful about myself and my body and i hate this feeling. i hate that this time last year, i was so happy about the way i looked. i was working this awful job that had me so overworked and overtired and poorly treated that i skipped meals and slept through meals regularly... i lost so much weight from stress in just a year and was the skinniest i had ever been. mentally, i was not in a good place being exploited by my managers... but my self esteem re: my body was at a new level i never knew could exist for me.

last year, i felt powerful and confident about my body, and i expressed that through sexuality. i was fucking my ex that i still liked (i grew out of wanting him back, but he never did, and it was nice to have the upper hand). i was also fucking an old fwb that i stayed friends with, that was also recently single, so we reunited again at the perfect time. i was also seeing this one guy (now my boyfriend) so if ever i got tired of the sex i at least was able to calm down and settle down with someone who genuinely wanted to know me. of course, i ended up catching feelings for this guy, and cut off the other two to pursue something more serious (we are now dating and are moving in together next month!) anyways, it was so nice to be wanted. to feel... i guess sexy? sex is empowering. and it shouldn’t be taboo to say that as a woman, or anyone really. i dont want to give off the message that a woman’s validation is fueled by men’s desire - but hey, don’t you feel flattered when someone thinks you’re attractive? desire and lust aren’t everything... but they matter. and they have an impact on how you feel about yourself, whether or not you believe me when i say that is up to you.

and i hate that i would gladly put myself through the stress that i did just to feel happy about my body. before the summer ended, i finally had enough and i quit my shitty job. i was jobless for a month, but was able to enjoy the rest of the summer with my new ‘skinny’ body - last year i took my first bikini picture ... a 2 piece! i have never done that. i still think about how happy i was that summer to look and feel good about myself.

i have struggled with self esteem issues since highschool. i always felt like i was too big. i used to follow all these blogs of pretty people and try to copy their poses to feel pretty and i used to spend hours after school trying on short dresses and clothes to stare at my body in the mirror. i used to starve myself to the point of literally wanting to faint on the daily, until finally i admitted it to one of my teachers. she respectfully asked if i wanted to speak with the school guidance counsellor, and i declined. but she encouraged me to speak up to at least a friend, so i did, and it helped, and for a long time, i was okay. after i graduated that teacher still checked up on me for a few years every now and again.

4th year university was when i realized how much i had let myself go. i was the heaviest i had ever been, it was my graduating year, i was looking for a job and was always worried about my grades. every time i was stressed or every time i needed to study i bought pad thai and bubble tea. a ritual. i didnt realize how much that had caught up to me until i saw old pictures of myself. at this point, i started my (shitty) job, straight out of graduation.

i actively avoided scales, i didn’t like looking at the number because it just made me upset. and i already felt upset looking in the mirror, i didn’t need something else to make me upset. but i did. and i was 20 pounds heavier than i was in highschool - the heaviest i had ever been.

i cried.

i didnt do much about it. i was too busy. my first job out of uni was a brand new daycare and i was head teacher of a toddler class - also i was the only staff on floor since there were not as many kids. there was nobody to train me, at all. i had to teach myself everything. i had no time.

a little while before starting the job, i met this guy. he was so hot, but such a dick - we had a “thing” but it was so toxic. he started off interested in me, but i turned him down. his attitude changed and he started being a douche, but we became friends because we were seeing each other so often. i didn’t have a car yet. he was driving me everywhere. he lived 5 minutes away. he was the type of friend that would text me “im outside, lets go out”. we hung out as friends at first, we would have “study dates”, until we started hooking up. we acted like a thing but he denied we were ever one - but got mad at me whenever i tried to look elsewhere. but i guess in that time, it was nice to be wanted, especially by someone so attractive.

but again, a year in that shithole job went by fast. i would stay late after work. i would come in on weekends. i was expected to not only help new kids transition, but train new partners. and given that my supers refused to support me, i watched a lot of people quit due to pressure. i had to keep retraining. and kids kept coming. that never stopped. i can honestly say my class wasn’t settled until december, and i started in september. everyday it was ‘its fine, it will get better’.

a year in that shithole, with 0 support, and i lost all the weight i gained - and more. i was the skinniest i had ever been. even in highschool. i looked at old pictures of myself from when i started the job at my heaviest. i couldnt believe that was me. and i was so happy looking at myself in the mirror. for once!

after i quit that job, i started another job that i hoped would be a happy ending.

and it wasn’t. it stressed me out just as much. i also moved out by this point, a month after i started this job. my hours are whack. 7-9, 11:30-6. i woke up early and got home late. i never had free time. my last shift at my old job was 7-3:30 and i had the whole day to myself. im someone that needs social interaction and alone time, and by the time i got home i was so tired, i would just cook, clean, shower, and go to bed. and that was my life. sometimes i would get so tired that i couldn’t cook, i just went and ate out. i tried to make personal time with my friends after work but by the time i reached their house, it was late, and places were closed. and id have to leave early anyways because i had work early the next day... so fast food was the only way to make this work. on top of this, this was the most difficult class that i had ever had. the kids behaviours’ were so difficult and i couldn’t handle it. i would cry in my car 3x a week. i would cry 4 minutes before my shift starts in the washroom and walk out and pretend i was okay. i would have my boyfriend come over as much as i could just so i could cry in his arms. i couldnt leave this job because i had just moved out and having a consistent rent payment was a huge responsibility for me. as well, if you know anything about ECEs in canada, just know we make shit pay. but this job pays me better than most ECE jobs... by a landslide. AND gives me benefits, which is so hard to find. i am still at this job - i was at my breaking point at the time covid started, so i was rejoicing when we closed for covid. i havent worked since march, but i needed that time off so desperately.

with that being said, i gained the weight back.

not everything, but i definitely could tell i was packing on some pounds.

cue covid.

i havent worked since march. i fell back into a lazy routine of ordering fast food. lying in bed. resting. just enjoying NOT dealing with my difficult class.

but i gained it all back. and i think im back at my heaviest weight. i picked up all my summer clothes from last year from my moms... half of them dont fit me. my favourite pair of shorts won’t close. i just sat and cried in a mess of clothes on my floor in front of the mirror. this was last week.

im trying to tell myself, ‘you’re in the middle of a global pandemic, go easy on yourself’... but do you know what it’s like to finally get what you’re chasing, and have it be taken away from you? i finally had a taste of what it was like to look AND feel good about myself. something ive wanted since i was a teenager...and it’s gone. it’s my fault and i accept that, so please don’t tell me i did this to myself. i know i did. but i can still be upset about it. i look in the mirror and i try to suck my stomach in and pretend nothing changed but its not the same. i see old pictures of myself, especially that bikini pic. ironically, i captioned it “i will never have the confidence to take a bikini pic again”... and here we are. i look at the clothes i wore last year and remember how fucking good i felt wearing them. i try putting them back on and seeing my stomach bulging and my arms looking fat and my love handles, something i didn’t see last year. and i just take them off and opt to wear something frumpier that doesnt hug my figure.

i try to tell people about how i feel but i cant take those ‘love yourself and all your flaws’ campaigns seriously. i dont think i can listen to another ‘you have to just keep faking it until you make it and if u just tell urself ur beautiful u will feel beautiful!’

because if you’re me, you know you cant kid yourself. if you’re me you can’t ‘love every flaw’. you fixate on them. and you let them define you. and if youre me, flaws are all you see.

i hate myself for getting back to this point.

i have a very supportive boyfriend that knows about all this, who is trying to actively get me to go on runs with him. we are trying to go for walks more and be out and about. he reminds me of little things, like if we are getting bubbletea he will suggest i go with less sugar. he is trying, we are trying. and i appreciate him so much.

today i complained in my car about this to my boyfriend, again. for the millionth time. and he still was supportive. but i just feel like i cant keep doing this to him. he said something today, which i think was him trying to give me a reality check to show me that i cant just wish i could starve myself and overwork myself to lose weight and call it a day... but it stung. he said “i don’t want to be with someone that’s not healthy. i have standards too” and i realized then he deserves so much better than to fucking babysit my complaining ass. i am 24. and i shouldnt be putting this on him. he is an adult with problems just as real as mine and i shouldnt be burdening him with this anymore.

im scared to talk to him about how that comment made me feel, because he’s so right, and he has every right to leave me. i would honestly. the amount that i worry and fixate on all my flaws and complain and have crying breakdowns about this is not fucking normal. and it shouldnt be his problem. i just want him to be with someone that doesnt give him this baggage. he met me in my ‘prime’ days when i just started getting my skinny body last year. when we finally started dating, we were super sexually active. and i mean, having sex like 15 times a week. im not kidding. now we havent had sex in almost an entire month. i dont feel sexy anymore and its impacting my sex drive.. he tries to start it with me and i just can’t because i feel like he is probably repulsed by my body. this is a huge huge huge problem, seeing as sex was a huge part of our relationship (we are very emotionally in tune with one another, but sex was a great addon because we both love it so much). i hate the way i look without clothes on. i cant bring myself to do it because it makes me feel like shit about myself.

but we are moving in together next month. and that is a huge step. and i am worried that i will never change, and he’s going to feel like he’s stuck with me because he’s moving 40 minutes away from his hometown to live with me. i almost want us to break up so he can be with someone with less baggage but i also love him and i want to be better for him and for us.

someone please help me.

#help #lol

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whistlemist · 6 years ago

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Take Out Night

Tim did not have time for this.

There was a meeting going on back home with his family. One of the most important meetings they always had that, for the bat-kids, was pretty much life or death. It was always about strategy, cunning, and wit.

It was the family takeout night.

Someone got to pick what the whole family would order, no exceptions, no other fast food, no other options. It took a whole hour meeting of them trying to outsmart each, to impress Bruce so they could get the main prize and tonight Tim wanted Chinese food.

Which means that getting kidnapped wasn’t a good start to this afternoon. With a scowl on his face, he dug his heels into the carpet as the masked man was trying to drag him out of WE. It only worked a little since Tim was small and bearly when over the 110 marks. This might be why he was kidnapped so often because all they had to do to Tim Wayne was toss him over their shoulder.

The heels in the carpet did nothing, he was still dragged along like it was nothing. When they got to the car he looked up at the man. “Listen, I know you ‘re probably really good at this, but it’s family Take out and Movie night and I really want to win the food part, so can I just write you a check and go?”

“Get in the car kid!” The man growled grabbing him by the back of his shirt before forcing Tim inside the backseat, soon the other two men had shown up getting into the car before driving away. “Shut up and I won’t kill you, kid!”

Grumbling Tim crossed his arms eyes closed. Now he had a huge problem. Last few times he had lost to Dick and Jason. Italian food and Burgers where good but he really wanted to eat some Chinese food! It’s not like he could let his chance slip again! Not with Jason and Dick both plotting about some sorta new food, whatever it was called, but he wanted sesame chicken and pork fried rice damn it!

“I can write it right now. I have my checkbook and a pen,” Tim offered and when they said nothing he frowned. “Come on! What teenager has a pen nowadays?! Please….?! It’s a family food ad movie night!”

“I said shut up!”

Sitting back Tim started to tap his foot trying to think of an escape plan that would be simple enough for Tim Wayne. This would have been so much easier as Red Robin. He’d just knock them out before heading home.

Looking out the window he thought about throwing himself out the door but Tim knew that not only was that risky but did he really want to risk getting injured and stuck int he hospital with no food that he had his heart on? Nope! Time to think of something else.

After a few minutes, they pulled into an alleyway. Alright, this could work for him. Maybe just slip away when they weren’t looking. Easy, simple, he liked this.

Suddenly the car came to a stop in the middle of the always. Sitting up Tim looked around confused on why where they just here in the middle of this place where anyone could find them?! Handn’t they done this before or at least looked it up online before deciding to kidnap one of Wayne’s children?!

“Get the other car,”

Oh, they had a second car. Well, points to that. As he was yanked out of the car Tim just went limp, pretending to pass out. If they thought he did maybe they would have some struggle to get him the next car.

Suddenly he was just tossed over someone’s shoulder. Well, that never worked, why would it work now? Despite that, he was ready to figure out how to get home. The sound of something opening let him know that was probably the truck. Still being limp he was lowered down laid on the floor of the truck before it slammed shut.

Opening his eyes only after he felt the car starting Tim crossed his arms looking up into the darkness with a scowl on his face. Alright, now that he was alone there was an unknown window of time. First, he felt around with his hand looking for the strap that was often used in case kids got stuck in the trunk. Feeling around he found nothing.

“Right,” Tim mumbled before moving around to reach down to his watch pressing a button as small light blinked on. Taing off the watch he set it on his chest before moving to reach down to his show. A twist of the heel was made to reveal a lock picking kit. “Alright time to get out of here so I can get my food.”

Taking out the tools he started to mess with the lock moving the tools around trying find the right… mechaizmen…. A click. Ah ha! Carefully he held onto the lid waiting for the car to pull to a stop that way jumping out wasn’t going to cause to harm. Finally, it pulled to a stop peeking out he looked around the streets.

Carefully Tim slipped out of the trunk before moving carefully towards a shop. Going inside he kept down heading towards the back door when the front door slammed open “There he is!”

“Crap,” Tim shot off running towards the back door. Slamming it open he hurried over to the fire escape stairs. Lowering himself at the last moment he jumped up catching the end pulling himself up rushing up the stairs ignoring how his kidnappers struggled to try to get the stairs to pull down. “Sorry, I got to go!”

Getting to the top Tim looked around for an entrance. Finding the door he ran to it wiggling the handle only to find it locked. Now he could pick it but that would give the others time to reach him. Besides he didn’t want to lose his kit, it was brand new!

Going to the end of the building he looked over before humming. Yeah, that would be a perfect place to land on. Now all he needed was the sped. Running back to the end Tim took a breath before running full sped leaping off the building.

The second he got close enough to landing he tucked and rolled before springing back up running towards the door. Not waiting to see if it was locked or opened he kicked it open. No time to waste he hurried down the stairs to before ended up on a ninth floor.

Going out he realized he was in a realtor building. Luckily they had an elevator. Going over he pushed a button waiting. As he stood there Tim tried to fix his suit. It had gotten a bit crinkled with all that drama from work. Pushing the coat down trying to get the lines out e noticed that his phone was missing.

He would have to delete everything on there when he got home. Luckily it had a failsafe on it and if those thugs tried to use it the thing would fray itself out. Still, that was a nice phone! Had all his music on it… oh well, he’d pick up another one on the way home.

The bing, the doors opening as Tim walked in thinking about all his favorite foods he was going to be ordering tonight. Pork fried rice, sesame chicken, Sweet and sour chicken, beef and broccoli, cream cheese wontons, egg fu young, ah, there was much he was going to order and the leftovers he was going to put them in containers tomorrow that way he could eat them for and lunch.

Getting downstairs he sighed before asking the front desk if he could make a call. He called a few of his brothers, Jason, Dick to come to pick him up.

But those jerks! They wanted him to give up his bid to take out! Hanging up on them Tim st his hands on his hips debating on what he was about to do and if it was childish enough to warrant the single e was about to give out.

It was time to be childish.

“You know when you said you it was matter of life and death, I thought you meant actually dying,” Kon said as he carried Tim in his arms towards the Manor. “I don’t think fighting over what take out is life or death, Tim.”

“Have you’ve ever been to my family's take out night?” Tim asked as he held on smiling. He kissed Kon’s cheek. “Thanks for getting here so fast.”

“You screamed ‘Kon, I’m dying!’ of course I got there fast!” Kon said before smiling at the kiss. He held Tim a little closer before moving to fly lower as the Manor came into view. “You know for a place where some of the scariest people live is also one of the most beautiful places.”

“The Manor was in the talk of Home and Gardens,” It was said with pride because, well, yes Wayne Manor was a very lovely place to live and screamed wealth. As they landed on the balcony outside his room Tim gave Kon a kiss on the lips, a chase one but still loving. “Thank you, I’ll text you later!”

“See ya!”

Once showered, dried and dressed Tim hurried downstairs. He would have to grab a phone from the cave, for now, to use until he got a new one. Once he picked one that he liked, copied all his things to the new phone Tim Destroyed the old one.

Running back upstairs he headed towards the kitchen Tim got there in time to see everyone watching the news. At first, he wondered what happened and if this ruined the chance of his food but then he noticed that it was his own kidnapping.

“Well, looks like Drake is fine,” Damian said turned around. “Shame, with you gone I would have been able to beat these idiots easily,”

“Shut up, Satan’s child!” Jason snapped at him as he crossed his arms. “Brat’s right now, it would have been easier.”

“Glad you’re alright, Tim,” Dick grinned going over to hug before pulling back face getting serious. “But it’s time to battle.”

“First things first,” Bruce came over to Tim “Post something your social media so people won’t keep report that you’ve been kidnapped.”

“Right,” Tim said glaring at Dick as the older Robin backed away as they eyes each other up. He took out his phone opening up his app while asking “What game are we playing tonight, Bruce?”

“We haven’t drawn out the games yet,” Walking over to a small bowl that had small pieces of paper folded up into squares. Holding it up Bruce nodded to boys as they all sat down around the island table waiting. Bruce shuffled the papers before holding one up. “First game tonight. Janga. The ten-second rule applies, everyone has that time to make their move, if you miss it, you’re out.”

Tim paused to take a picture of himself flashing a peace sign while added that he was safe at home and that it was thanks to Batman. Yeah, he’s dealing with the press another day. Looking back he was already thinking about how to make his first move, well depending on who went first second and third.

“Second part will be,” Bruce moved the papers again before pulling out another one looking it over for a second. “Calculations.”

Dick frowned slightly, not that he was bad at it but going against Tim? That was going to be a challenge not to mention he could tell that the stakes where high tonight. Tim had an air of wanting to win and it was strong.

“After that, the final challenge will be,” A toss of the bowl before the last paper came out. “Connet four.”

“Tt.” Damian looked at the other three eyes narrowed. It was a simple childish game but placing that game in the mix with them? He knew he’d have to be careful. “When do we start?”

“Now.” Bruce turned around picking up the Jenga game opening it. “You know the rules, last one standing gets food order rights. Now, since we did it youngest to oldest last week, will go oldest to youngest.”

Everyone wast tensely watching as Tim placed his last block on top as the tower wobbled a bit before going back to being still. Once it stilled moved forward quickly eyes scanning the thing as his time was quickly going he got one block out placing it on top before they all paused as the thing wiggled more threating to topple over.

Crash!

“Yes!” Tim shouted throwing his arms up into the air “I win!”

“I’ll kill you, Drake!”

“You lot, so shut it!” Tim yelled as the two of them started to face off only to be ripped again. “Hey!”

“Enough!” Bruce set them down. “Damian, you lost. Alright, let’s move on with calculations.”

Dick was struggling as he answered another question. On the paper there were ten questions, each of them made by Bruce, did he ever put an easy one? No! Not at all so he was trying to get done as soon as possible. If anything he had to be at least second to move on to the next round.

The scrapping of paper, however, was unnerving and he could hear how fast Tim was going. Damn, this was a major disadvantage with this challenge. Tim was a well-known genius and maybe people underestimated Jason but the second Robin was a lot smarter than most people knew.

The hope had been that Tim would have been taken out in the first round but since that didn’t happen he had to do his best to get all the answers right and to finish on time. The stupid timmer was a half hour but he almost cringed when he heard the small ping of the bell in and Tim call out that he was done.

Trying to force his mind to work fast Dick scribbled down his answers as fast as he could. The second bell made him wince as he could feel Jason’s smirk even though he hadn’t looked up. Once he was done he flipped his paper over and smacked the bell.

“Done!”

“Alright, there were two minutes and three seconds left on the bell.” Bruce closed his phone before taking all the papers reading them over. “Tim got every answer right.”

“Of course,” Jason rolled his eyes. “Come on, old man who’s it gonna be me or Dick?”

Taking a minute to go over both the papers Bruce took his time before looking up. “Jason is the winner. Dick, you forgot to show your work on two of these.”

“Noooooooo!” Dick cried laying his head down. “I wanted pizza!”

“F*ck yeah!” Jason yelled standing up before glaring at Tim, his hand patting his hidden gun. “Ready to lose?”

“Like that’s going to happen,” Tim glared standing full height though it did very little against how tall Jason was. “Get ready to be buried twice.”

“Damn, that’s cold,” Jason smirked. “Alright, bring it on!”

The rules were the same as Janga, you have ten seconds to get your move in or you lost. Tim and Jason had been moving their red and black pieces as fast as possible as well as keeping tabs on each other’s moves.

Baby blue eyes and Lazurus’s green eyes glared at each other while they moved their pieces down into the slots as the pieces continued to fall until finally there was only a few moved left. Jason moving one over only he bearly missed the line as it fell into the wrong slot before he could snag it up.

“No! Damn it!”

Without hesitation, Tim put his second to the last piece in before jumping up with his hands raised high. “Yes! I am victorious!”

“Damn it!” Jason hit his fists on the table before sitting back. “Whatever, you got lucky!”

“Don’t be a sore loser, Jay,” Dick laughed as he moved to put the game away.

“It makes you look pathetic, Todd.”

“You were sulking this whole time!”

“Enough!” Bruce yelled as he pulled out his phone. “Alright, Tim, what are we ordering?”

As the Silence of the Lambs played, it was near the end in the Family movie room. In front of them on the coffee table, it was full of Chinese take out boxes. Everyone had their own plate filled with this and that from the place and even got seconds.

Tim was in his chair next to Bruce watching the movie as he slowly ate the late of his food eyes closing a little. Even though the movie wasn’t scary to him, hell they have seen worse. With the last bite of his food, the warm bubbling feeling that had settled in his stomach the second the food had arrived was expanding as he felt relaxed and peaceful.

Shifting more he laid his head on Bruce’s shoulder slowly dozing up thinking about what leftover Chinese food he was going to eat tomorrow. Just before he could slip all the way under he made a mental note that next week he wanted Korean food.

#fan fiction #Tim Drake #family #Batkids

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yellowsounds124-blog · 6 years ago

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I have something I need to share. Not with you, with someone else but that'll never happen, its simply not possible, but I need this off my chest and dont have a safe place for it. With your stance on abortion, I figured you would be a good place, sense you wont see the fetus in this story as a "clump of cells" Growing up, my dad was not okay. He was abusive. It took me years and years to say this because through all the running away and calling the police, not going home- I was told over and over that it was fine because he wasnt raping me or punching me in the face. The pushing, screaming inches from my face, tearing apart my stuff, throwing things at me, making me change in front of him, refusing to be by me in public if I didnt look good enough...didnt matter. I was told I was being ridiculous and should be greatful. My friends.. I would beg them please dont leave me alone with him if he ask you to leave the room. But they always would what were they suppose to do? I wouldnt be allowed to talk to anyone to go out for months at a time. So there was a huge foundation of fear, and protecting myself. At some point, i met this guy (brother of my friend), and I just loved him, and he loved me to. He was a POC, once we started with each other his sister hated me for some reason, which made his mom hate me. And my parents hated him (I later figured this was a race and class thing for my father) so being together involved a lot of sneaking around, a lot of giving up, a lot of trying again, the sneaking around would get me in more trouble, especially if it was known it was with him. At this point, I didnt tell anyone how bad it was, I started self mutation. If I wasnt with him (we will call him Kay for the sake of thevstory) I would do any drug I could get and have sex or mess with whoever showed interest (well almost). It was how I would cope as I didnt think I could tell anyone. How could I say anything about what I was going through when I had a friend being raped by her brother, a friend who's dad just up and left, a friend whos mom called her fat and made her diet? I was literally a wreck and the worst part of the cycle was being this wreck made him more angry, he'd treat me worse, and I'd further wreck myself. So about Kay, we went on and off for years, then he moved in with a friend who was only a street away, I wasnt at a 8-3 school anymore and he graduated do it was really easy to be together. I immediately broke up with this other guy I was seeing (we will call him Colin) that my dad liked so I would use him to be able to leave the house ect so I could be with Kay. It was only a month and a half of perfection before it started falling apart. Kay wanted to talk to my father, he didnt know what things were like except that he didnt like him. He thought he could talk to him about how much he loved me and make things better, and I freaked out. He knew I was hurting myself, a few months before my father** had saw the marks and yelled at me asking if I was crazy, asking what the hell was wrong with me, telling me it was disgusting and I stayed in a padded room for a night before being released sense I wasnt suicidal, and Kay saw on my body that I had found a new more hidden place after that incident. He thought he could save me, and we would get married and be happy, but I knew if he went to talk to my father that my father would send him off and I would pay for trying such a thing. * That's when I made multiple huge mistakes that I havent shared with people, 9 years later. First, i broke up with him and told him i didnt even like him and needed time to discover myself,stuff like that. I never stopped loving him. To this day, I'm sure I'd still fall apart at his touch. *Within that same week, I missed my period, I again wasnt able to leave the house, I bought a tested while at the store with my mom, was caught and ordered to take it as soon as we were back. This was bad because if it was negative, I was going to be in trouble for basically no reason. And again this "trouble" wasnt normal. It meant my things wouldbe torn apart. I would be held down and screamed at, spit on not allowed to talk. But it wasnt negative, it was positive. And my mom was waiting downstairs, and I knew this only had a small handful of outcomes. Either they would send me off and have me give the baby up for adoption while being under close watch the whole time, or they would make me get rid of the baby. Abortion. So I did the first thing that came to mind, I called Colin. I told him I was pregnant and it was his. And that I couldnt talk right now. Then I told my mom, and immediately told her that Colin knew. To me, this was security. If he knew, someone would be checking in on me, he would tell his parents, another adult would he involved, if I disappeared there would be questions. And I knew I was right because I told my mom he knew and immediately she was upset I did that. I went in for an ultrasound, found out how far I was, quickly gave Colin a photo and shut the door on him. And the problems started. The dates dont match up, Colin said. I told him hes wrong. His parents wanted a paternity test, I said that's not possible itll hurt the baby. They claimed it wouldnt. I convinced Colin it was his and I just knew. He knew i had been seeing Kay but took my word.Then i heard from Kay, he heard I was pregnant. If he even thought it was his he would be at my door, trying to figure things out, trying to talk to my parents. But my father would not respect him the way he would Colin, so if anyone knew it was Kay's, I would be hurt, punished, sent away. I was terrified, I cant even explain the level of panic I had for my safety. I told Kay it wasnt his, there was no single way, and to leave me alone forever. It hurt so much to tell him that, it felt so wrong and I hated it and I knew it hurt him and I was so broken over it. After that, i was still stuck. The dates didnt match, Colin's parents wanted a paternity test, *the baby was partly a POC and might not come out white, so I wouldnt be able to pass them off as Colin's. I couldnt sleep. My father wasmt speaking to me and wasnt even around, really. I stayed in my room. My parents were pushing for me to get an abortion. "Were just going to the clinic so you can see what its like" my mom said when she took me to the abortion clinic. It was down a stair case, there were no protesters. They took my blood, they walked me through everything and asked when they could set up an appointment. They asked me one time if I wanted to do this, in front of my mom who stared me down. When she brought me back, she paid extra for them to put me to sleep. While I waited with the IV and the last ultra sound pictures I'd have done, I started crying. My mom wasnt there for this part, a nurse asked me why I was crying, she was so angry about it. I said sorry and tried to stop. She didnt ask if i wanted to do this, no one told me that i was at the point where the baby was like a small miniature looking baby, only slightly misshapen. No one told me it had tiny hands and feet, or what they would do with it afterward. And no one made sure i wanted this. When I went in the room I was alone with a Male doctor, and I remember how unusual that was as I had always been asked if I wanted someone else in the room if left with a Male doctor. And I laid on the doctor bed, and I remember think I should say something, this is my last chance, and then I was asleep. When I woke up I was given pads, they told my mom, not me, even though I was 17, that I would bleed for a few days. I never went to the check up appointment. I stayed in my room, I scanned every blood clot for a piece of the baby. I slept and cried, when I heard from Colin I told him that I lost the baby. That's all. I lost the baby. People spread rumors it wasnt ever real. I didn't care. I didnt leave my room. I didnt shower, I barely ate. I gave up Kay, and all my friends connected to him, Colin started dating my bestfriend and they talked shit about me, I lost everyone connected to them. I was just alone. My father came back and was around more. They never talked to me about it, never asked if I was okay. I was like that for months, before finding friends online, forcing myself to listen to happy music, go out, pretending. Fake it till you make it. I met two people, we will call Slw and Ice- who helped me in that time more than they will ever know because they didnt know about it. Slw once asked why we didnt hang out with my friends and I got really upset with him but they both helped me so much. Ice reminded me it was okay to hurt and not be okay, he just didnt know what about. I made more friends, I am so greatful for every single one because they are the only reason I dudnt take my own life in those following years. Things got bad again. I got bad. I am better now, I have kids. People say I am a good mom. But ever sense "getting better" I think about that baby everyday. I worry life will take one of my babies that are here because I let that one die. How can I be a good mom when I let that happen? And I dont deserve them. And I am so sorry to that child. I could have found another way. I could have spoke more. That childs dad would have loved them and had no choice. I hate myself for this, every day. And again, have no where to go to talk about it. Like I said I just needed to get it off my chest because it eats me alive, everyday. Regardless of if people think abortion is right or wrong. To me, I know I got rid of a baby with a future, and its minimalized.

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inixsis · 6 years ago

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5 years later

Coming back and reading the few posts I had was a bit of a shocker, for many reasons. But im in a position where I really need to express myself again because I dont really have anyone else or any other way. So let the shitshow begin! I dont really know where to begin. I feel like ive grown a lot in some aspects, stayed the same in so many others. Ive definitely stayed the same when it comes to complaining unfortunately... Im well aware i do it, but its like word votmit. I dont string together what im trying to convey in the right way most of the time. Sometimes I swear people have this expectation of me that they put the words in my mouth before i can even finish a sentence. Like please, just let me finish. Anyway. Point blank, ive been an Alcoholic for about 5-7 years now. I dont really remember when it trulyyyy kicked in that i had such a dependency. But its only within the past year that if i dont get my fix, I go into a withdrawal state of shakes, tremors and sweats. i went to hospital about a year ago, so I didnt have a drink for around 12 hours. I was barely able to move. I was shaking so badly I could barely move my muscles or complete basic motor functions. Some mornings after only a few hours without alcohol i can barely type on my keyboard or use my mouse correctly. But with all of this, im still proud at other ways ive progressed. Ive quit marijuana. Ive mostly quit smoking. Ive only had green once in the past 2 years. I didnt have a single cigarette for almost 8 months up until recently and i only buy a pack once in a while. Along with that, I feel like my attitude and the way i address certain things has drastically changed also. Im not nearly as aggressive, paranoid or annoying as I used to be. But its never enough... Essentially im here to cry about how alcoholism has somewhat impacted my relationship, but how it also isnt the main reason its over. Its hard to explain right now heh. All i truely want to do is blame him and my perspectives of why he has started to act like this. Nothing is good enough lately. I can shower him with love, affection, appreiciation and all the space he needs but its not enough. I really dont feel my alcoholism can be the complete blame of our relationship - but definitely some things are to do with it. 1. He knew what he was getting into. And on that note, over 5 years ive done nothing but get better. Especially the past 2 years ive made huge changes whilst he has not. Alcoholism cant be compared to the mistakes he makes, but as a 29 year old he has never left his home, he doesnt pay rent or bills, he has a cushy life where his mother stole 1.2 million and is now in prison for it. But he thinks I would steal money from his account given the chance... 2. I paid for everything for the first 3 years He stayed in my homes non stop, i paid electricity for his pc or to run the aircon, i paid for and cooked 3 meals a day everyday for atleast a few days of every week. I cleaned up after him everytime. in 5 years he has cooked for me once, and by force. He has done dishes for me and bought me takeaway, dont get me wrong. but nothing compared to what ive spent. let alone the green and alcohol he would also consume. But granted he paid alot of fuel whilst i rarely topped him up. 3. Extreme patience with his privacy Theres a certain factor im not going to speak about in this. But ive always been quite upfront with him, never protected my phone or computer around him either. I understood a person needs their space and if he is not willing then thats ok - but only to a point. at 5 years we should be able to share phones. Once i wasnt allowed to hold it to use his flashlight during a power out. thats insane. I went to reddit over this and there were suggestions such as ‘are you clumsy?’ and well... no. he has swerved his car once when i went for his phone to search a location. 4. Games come first Its been a rocky 2 years. Ive asked him to spend more time with me regularly, threatened if he did not take 1 less night a week from raiding im done - and i left. But then his mothers case of theft came in and he was distraight, said he needed me. I couldnt help but give in, so gave him another chance for the sake of moral support. I also very recently came across a chat with some chick online. ‘I guess i havent found my gamer girl yet’ he said. - i am younger, but have been gaming much longer than him and on different platforms - I am the one he had to compete with in WoW - I am the one who taught him many things and showed him all these things about the game - I take a couple years off of certain games because of my anger and suddenly i am no longer a gamer, let alone his girl. Made me sick to the stomach. All ive done is change myself to look towards our future and this is all the shit I get. So heres to the men in my history that may read this - karma came the FUCK back around and truly i hope youre doing well. I think im going to keep on posting again, I need some form of comfort. id like to ultimately turn this into a blog about alcoholism, sobriety and all the things that come with this. I need something to focus on for a bit haha. Best wishes all <3

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matronaa · 6 years ago

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Heaven (2) || myg

Pairing: Yoongi x Reader

Word count: 1159

Genre: Angst/fluff?

a/n: i honestly dont like this ff and you can tell i lost inspiration halfway through, but i still finished it so i’m sorry if it seems forced or rushed. i havent been in a very good head space so i’m sorry i dont post as much as i probably should lmao i just dont like posting or writing things im not inspired to

It had been a year since you walked out of your shared apartment with all your belongings. Yoongi had tried to get you to stay for hours before silently watching you gather the last of your things with tears starting to form in his eyes. His pleads still seemed to echo in your head, even after you moved back in with your best friend. Luckily, she helped you try to get over Yoongi. Although she helped you feel less miserable, he was always the last thing you thought of before going to sleep, and the first thing to appear in your mind when you woke up. You missed hearing his voice sleepily mumble lyrics, or hearing the piano playing softly in the middle of the night. You knew you could never really get over him, as he was permanently engraved in your mind. Not being around him was killing you slowly, but you had left him so broken. You couldn’t remember any other time seeing him cry. He was never the type to cry. You made him cry.

You knew he loved you but you were almost positive he wouldn’t want you back, even if you begged him to. You wondered how he was. If he was happy, or if he moved on to someone new. If he followed his dream to make music. You soon found your answer when you ran into him at a coffee shop. You had been craving coffee cake, and although your favorite coffee shop was an hour away, they were the only ones to could make a coffee cake the way you liked it. As soon as you stepped through the door, you felt a pair of eyes on you. The uneasiness settled in, and you couldn’t ignore the need to figure out who was staring at you. You quietly scanned the room as you stood in line, hoping to find whoever was sending a chill down your spine. When you finally found them, you could feel your heart sink to the pit of your stomach. There he was. Yoongi, sitting at a table in the corner with nothing but a coffee, notebook, and a pen.

Before you could stop yourself, you began walking towards the table. You could hear your heartbeat drum loudly in your ears and time seemed to stop as you made your way towards him. Yoongi sat up from his slouching posture to face you. His face seemed expressionless, and his movements seemed almost robotic. When you came to stand in front of him, he seemed to glare at you through the recently dyed black hair that messily framed his face. He was just as breathtaking as you remembered, if not more.

“What are you doing here?” He asked, tilting his head to the side.

“I- Uhm… I came for-” You stuttered.

“Coffee cake?” You noticed the corner of his mouth curve up in a small smile before turning back to his signature resting bitch face.

“Yeah…” You smiled sadly. He remembered your love for this shops cakes. You happened to glance down at his notebook, noticing your name at the top of the page. Yoongi noticed and quickly closed the notebook, sighing.

“Look-” You both started.

“Sorry,” You said, sitting down across from him, “Please continue so I don’t say anything stupid.”

“I know I’ve made mistakes before,” He sighed, “-but I finally got my degree and I have more time now. I can’t keep denying how not being able to say you’re mine is killing me. I need you Y/n, please just give me another shot.”

“Yoongi, it wasn’t your fault. The timing wasn’t right, you had your own responsibilities and-” You began to ramble before Yoongi cut you off.

“And that’s why I’m asking for another chance. We’ll get it right this time, just please?” He begged. It was killing you how desperate he was, and you knew how bad you wanted it to work between you and him.

“Okay.” You agreed quietly, almost to yourself. You were amazed he even forgave you, let alone wanted you back. You’re the one who gave up on the relationship and left, yet he still loved you.

“Okay?” His eyes seemed to brighten after hearing that simple word. You nodded and he smiled the happiest grin you had ever seen from him “I promise I’ll treat you better than I did before.”

He did. You didn’t think he could but he proved he could. He provided you with everything you ever wanted and more, showering you with love daily. This continued on for years, and there wasn’t a day he didn’t tell you how much he loved you. He was glued to your side constantly, always holding your hand in public or cuddling up next to you when you were at home. It was apparent he was scared to lose you again, but you didn’t think you could ever leave him like you had before. You noticed he had become a little softer during your time away. He smiled more often and his true personality shone through. He was so much more colorful now, compared to the monotone wall he had built up before. When you got back together, you learned he was actually in a band now. He could finally make enough money off of just music to pay his bills and you couldn’t have been more proud. Although he still had to write songs, he always made sure to balance that with taking care of you. No matter what, he would always go to bed when you did, and often made you breakfast before continuing his writing. He loved sharing his songs with you and often asked you for your input or suggestions.

When your two-year anniversary arrived, you wanted to do something special for him. He had been working so hard for the past few months, and you wanted him to know you’d always be here no matter what. That morning you dragged him into the car and blindfolded him, not wanting him to know where he was going. When you pulled up to your location, you told him to take off the blindfold.

“A… tattoo parlor?” He questioned with a small chuckle, “Are you forcing me to get another tattoo?”

“No silly,” You giggled while getting out of the car, “I’m getting one.”

That day you came back to your apartment with a matching rose to his permanently drawn on your right wrist, with the initials ‘myg’ written into the pattern. It was small, something someone would notice only if you told them where to look. That night you went to bed with love bites on your neck and the wonderful feeling of Yoongi's hands trailing every inch of your skin. The following morning you turned to look at the figure sleeping next to you, silently confirming to yourself this was the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.

And you did.

#yoongi #min yoongi #yoongi bts #bts fanfic #bts yoongi #bts imagines #yoongi x reader #yoongi imagines #yoongi fluff #yoongi angst

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dragontag420 · 6 years ago

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I am Rant

im just sadsacking so its under the cut, i just want to yell at world n have ppl nod n go "yeah! thats dumb!" so im putting it here

AHHHH i am

tired??

have not eaten in like 24 hours

late to work

my period started?? i am?? the fuck? i thought it was a week and a half ago?

i havent showered in like 3 days bc i keep forgetting n im not Getting Up in time for anything

My car BROKE and the piece that isnt working is HAHA like 600$ to replace, plus labor costs, plus costs to look at tje car (380$ to make sure which piece it is and get it pulled apart, plus probably another 100$+ to get it replaced n fixed)

oh and

i work until midnight xmas eve, so i cant get a ride w my grandparents to get the three hours home for xmas

and i dont know how id get BACK even bc i have work the 27th, and still, no Car.

mmm so also i keep forgetting to take my meds this past week? because retail is hell? so at might i keep getting SAD and UNHAPPY and WEIRD and LONELY

did i mention i havent eaten in like a day bc im too tired to make smth bc i.. dun dun dun, havent eaten?

my house js a mess bc we're both too busy n depressed to clean it

my room too, its #Bad

my tummy keeps hurting this week from stress

everyone at work is getting SICK except me bc i DONT GET SICK so i have to work with No Support or Little Support alot

Retail Sucks and im in Chico so everyone is pissed off bc of the fires and me not being able to Do anything Special or pull MAGIC out my ass to get them an item that's been gone for MONTHS because they're Fire Victims n they're all just so Angry and ahhhh buddy i live here too youre not alone in this please stop im so tired please dont yell at me because i dont have the Fortnite Switch Bundle and you lost your house si you feel entitled to be as angry at retail workers as you want

anyway bottom line

i have no car

i hurt

its gonna cost me so much money

idk how im gonna get home for christmas since i promised my lil brother id be there

nd my bus is pulling into work so i gotta dip

thanks for

reading

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anxiousramblingsblog · 6 years ago

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Lets be positive

10-10-18

I had a post that I started but I guess i waited too long bc it isnt saved and now its gone. Oh well!!!

Yesterday was a good day. Work was easy. Started chatting with Rob again and that quicly turneed sexual. Im not usually one to chat with people that way, expecially someone I havent met but it just happened and it felt nice. Things got a little instense to the point I was EXTREMELY turned on while at work. It was set to be my date night with Joel, but he has been going through some stuff lately and hasnt wanted sex or really any physical touch, so I felt a bit frustrated. I was however, very much looking forward to my date night with him. I only see him one day a week, which can be extremely hard since my love languages are physical touch and quality time. But hey, thats why im kinda looking for a second partner to fill in those gaps for the time being.

So I went home, still extremely horny. To my surprise, Joel was already at my house, letting my dogs out. He seemed very distant though, so when he left to run home a moment I got out my favorite toy to help myself a bit. Then I showered and got ready for date night. Joel and I talked a bit in the car, went to dinner where we had more conversation. Sometimes we are able to converse so well and understand each other, and sometimes its like we speak two different languages and just trigger each other. But this was a good conversation and I felt much closer to him. We went to see Venom, and he was affectionate during the movie. He left me cuddle him and touch him which makes me very happy.

When we got back to my place, he cuddled me more and actually did end up wanting sex so that was nice. I probably also mentioned im kinky. I am very submissive and love to be manhandled in bed and roughed around. I need it. I crave it. And not very often do I get it. Someone who knows how to be rough the right way. Joel can be a little extra rough sometimes but I might just be not used to it anymore. I really should find a play partner to fill that part of me.

He stayed up for a bit and I slept. I woke up worried at 5am that he hadnt come to bed since I knew he needed to get up rather early also. But he finally joined me and my pups in bed.

Todays been pretty uneventful so far. Im in a more positive state of mind (yesterday and today). One of my rare moments of clarity and im trying to hang on to it. We’ll see how long it lasts. Turned down a few guys, chatted with Rob and my long distance love insterest, Matt. Maybe I have a problem. Of the guys im currently interesting in romantically... one is only availble on tuesdays (Joel), one lives two hours away (havent mentioned him yet), one lives in another country! (Matt), and one goes to bed the same time I get home from work (Rob)... so while it appears im talking to a lot of people.. im really still in the same spot of being very alone.

Gonna finish up work and continue chatting with people. Hit the gym tonight and then try to catch up on some paperwork ive been neglecting.

#anxiety #anxious #anxious thoughts #anxietysucks #anxietyawareness #mental health #depression #polyamory #polyamorous

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itskimtaehyung · 7 years ago

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life updates

I feel like i’ve been kind of MIA lately in terms of updating tumblr and all that. Like usually nowadays I just fill up my queue and then log off and I dont really make that many personal posts or original content all that much lately.

Firstly, I want to update you all on all the new stuff I’ve been working on. I started a new painting series which is basically a Yeontan BT21 crossover. I have some ideas for continuing that circle painting series with OT7. I have Yoongi finished and I chose a color scheme for Hoseok. I did a painting for Hoseok’s birthday and I tried a new style that I’ve never done before and I’m really happy with how it turned out I can’t wait for you guys to see it!

In terms of writing, I’m currently working on a YoongixReader fic but it’s going slowly mainly because it’s kind of based on my life and I want to tell the story properly. I have a few scenes writing for some other fics but I don’t have concrete ideas or plots for them yet and I don’t know if I ever will. I plan on finishing the Always series but I’m not happy with the original plan I had for the series so I still have to rewrite my original ending. As for Jeon Jungkook is dead, I wrote part 1 very spur of the moment and honestly I dont remember what I wanted for part 2. I dont know if I’ll ever finish it tbh.

Now that those are out of the way, time for personal updates. As some of you may know, I started uni back in september. Before that I was going to community college to complete my general education requirements and now I’m taking courses that are very focused on my major aka the hard stuff. Also, we’re finally getting into the rocket science courses and they’re really cool!!! My workload is a lot heavier lately and I barely have time for sleep let alone writing and drawing. I’m taking 5 classes this quarter which may or may not have been a mistake but like homegirl wants to graduate on time.

For those of you who were following me during the whole “thirst boi” thing, no, i never hooked up with him, however, he is now one of my very good friends and has introduced me to another guy who’s also become a close friend. Like one time i slept over at their place and we baked cookies and watched cartoons.

I also mentioned a “cute boy” in one of my classes a while back. I think most of my posts were about wanting to talk to him but not knowing how. Well, I finally talked to him after midterms last quarter, we we also became very good friends. At one point I thought he really liked me. We would do homework together and he would offer to drive me home if we stayed late at the library. I was spending nearly all day everyday with him (and I still do). But sadly, I found out after the quarter ended that he has a girlfriend. tbh I still really like him and sometimes it’s hard spending so much time with him but not being able to be with him ya know? I honestly think the universe is working against me because he is literally like everything I look for in a guy. And he smells like something from my childhood???? Also one time he came over to my apartment when we had a break in between classes and he talked to my housemates and they all really got along with him and also really liked him, *sigh* You’ll see a lot of him in Yoongi in that fic i was talking about earlier.

i dont think I ever told you guys about my housemates. I’m living with one of my best friends from middle school and a few other people. Theyre all super nice and I’m so grateful to live with such amazing people. We all get along so well and have “house outings” on a regular basis. A couple of weeks ago we all went together to get 순두부 for one of their birthdays, and today three of us got pizza together after class and then four of us went together to get boba. And whenever we’re stressed or just need to wind down, we sit on the floor of the living room together (we dont have a couch or like furniture really) and talk and eat snacks and complain about our days etc. and two fo them like kpop/khh too! and we listen to it together from time to time. and we have ramen nights where some of us will cook ramen and just eat it together on the floor. we also tease each other a lot which is fun to some extent but can also be kind of annoying. one of the guys is a couple years ahead of me in school but we’re the same major so sometimes he helps me with homework. I’m also on a design project with him which is also pretty fun. I learned how to use a laser cutter for the project so that was really cool.

It’s midnight and i have to get up at 6:30 tomorrow for class but I still havent showered but im still really full from the pizza and only drank a quarter of my milk tea (its strawberry) (i luv strawberry). Anyway, that’s what’s been going on in my life for the last 5 wish months or so? to my old followers, thanks for sticking with me this long. And to my new followers, welcome, thanks for hitting that follow button. I am grateful to every single one of you for supporting me and encouraging me and giving me a safe place to complain or vent or whatever else i need to. also my housemate caught me writing this and he asked to be included in it lmao. his words were “are you writing about me? are you including any of my jokes in your post? am i not funny enough to be included in your tumblr posts?” and then he told me to tell yall that he caught me writing this and he wanted to be included. I dont think he’d ever be able to find my blog because I dont have it searchable by email nor do i use my real name but oh boy if he’s reading this, thats really creepy of you, tyler.

#this is kind of long but its pretty much whats been going on for the last 5 months or so #mine #text

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cassieblck · 7 years ago

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CONFESSION

Three weeks of unconsciousness, Draco became more and more depressed. He didnt talk nor did he take care of himself. He still went to work but not a single word spoken and keeps to himself. After work he spend his nights beside her, reading her: her favourite books. Sometimes he pause his reading and stares at her while caressing her face and hair, kissing her hairline, sometimes crying his eyes out begging for whoever holds his love’s life to bring her back to him.

His family and friends were so sad to see him like this especially his mother and Mrs. Granger. For those who doubt his love for Hermione this is the proved that he loves her with all his heart. One day, Narcissa and Mrs. Granger went to checked on them but before they could enter they heard sobbing and muttering. They stop at the door trying to listen.

How could you do this to me? How could you leave me. You promised me that you will always be by my side. I cant Hermione, I cant get through this without you. Do you know that I was planning to propose to you?

The two woman outside gasp and look at each other with tears glistening from their eyes.

“I did. I thought I could take you on a date and dance with you take a walk then propose to you at the rooftop. Then i’ll shout from the rooftop that you’re mine. Wait, you were doing this just so i tell you, i knew it. I knew you wouldn't leave me right? Is this some kind of a joke? You tried to prank me right love,? Hahahhah its not funny. Okay you can wake up now and stop fooling around. Come on babe. Any minute now. FOR GOD SAKES HERMIONE. Wake up. Please.. please… I love you”

They were sobbing now. Wondering what would happened if they lost her truthfully they didnt want to think that. They regain back their composure and walks through the door and found that Draco is asleep beside Hermione and holds her like she was his lifeline. Narcissa conjured Hermiones bed to make it bigger and tugged her son beside Hermione. Even in sleep Draco was searching for Hermione’s scents and heat scoot closer to her, hug her in a protective manner and buried his head on her neck.

The women were crying even more and cant help to admire their love for one another. They sat in silence for a while watching the lovebirds before engaging on a deep conversation. When suddenly someone moves her fingers. Thats when Jean caught the movement and shoots up. They watch her intently. Hermione’s eyes flutter open adjusting the bright light.

“Mom, Narcissa.. where am i? Am I at St. Mungos?”

“Easy now Hermione dear. Yes you were at St. Mungos. You had an accident when you went out with Pansy. You were unconscious for three weeks.”

“THREE WEEK? Merlin. My head still hurts. Wait, Draco were is he?. He must be so mad at me. Mom where is he i need to see him.”

“Wait Hermione. He is sleeping right beside you. Let him sleep. He doesnt have a good night sleep when youre unconscious. He loves you very much..”

The women both told her what had happened for the past three weeks. How Draco is coping and what he said except for the proposing part. By the end she was crying and sobbing watching the man she loved sleeping beside her. That is when she believe that Draco was the love of her life and she cant ask more because he is more than everything she could have asked for. For that she was thankful to know just how deep his love for her. She snuggles closer to him and inhaling his scent. Just like she remembered soon sleep lulled her.

It was morning when Hermione awake at her love embrace. He havent wake up yet. She takes the opportunities to trace his feature that she admire and cant help herself to peppering his face with kisses to wake him up. He slowly wake up and when he sees her, he smiles and brings his finger to caresses her cheeks. With silent tears and eyes full of adoration to the man sitting in front of her, she leans to the familiar touch.

“Im dead am I?”

“No Draco, youre not and so am I. I miss you, Draco”

“Hermione… Youre alive, you came back to me. I thought ive lost you” he cupped her cheeks and brings her closer, peppering her with kisses and keep recites thankful prayer for the Ones that listen to his prayer “ Dont you dare leave me alone again. I cant do it alone. I love you so much Granger”

“I promise, and I love you too, Malfoy”

The seen were interrupt by the presence of Hermione”s healer. to checked on her.

“ Ahh.. Miss Granger youre awake. Your mother and Mrs. Malfoy told me you will be and they also told me to knock first” his twinkling eyes doesnt escaped from the lovebirds eyes. Draco only gave him, his Malfoy smirks while Hermione’s cheeks turned red from embarrassment

“anyway lets have you checked up alright.”

Their friends and family had been showering Hermione’s room for visit and checking up on her current state. Apparently Hermione will be able to leave in the morning. Draco stays for the rest of the day and tomorrow to accompany Hermione at their home. At the end of the day Draco was asleep feeling to tired after all the past day lacks of sleep. Hermione stares at that particular man and cant help but feeling love and adoration. I must be very good in my previous life to have this man in my arms. Tomorrow we will be going home. truthfully he is my home wherever he is. soon sleep engulfed her. That was the first night that Draco had a decent sleep for the past months

#dramione #draco malfoy #hermione granger #draco x hermione #narcissa malfoy #jean granger #st. mungo's

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itsdjjones · 8 years ago

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Under Control | Dominer

TAGGING: @notpeterxparker & @itsdjjones

DATE: 6/10 Saturday

PLACE: Parker & DJ’s apartment

NOTES: all the fluff ok?

Parker stretched as she stood up and kissed Pajama's head. She was more than happy with her hair color, since it was a nice change and it made her feel more confident. She walked into their kitchen, grabbed something to drink and closed the fridge as she waited for DJ to get ready. She wasn't for sure what was going on between them, since they havent really spent alone time since the trip and sure they ate dinner together whenever one of them got home but something was different. She wasn't going to worry about it since it wasn't a huge deal or anything on her mind.

DJ was still frazzled about the night before with Addie. He went over there to run away from his feelings with Parker and now he was gonna spend time with Parker all day essentially running away from his feelings for Addie. Feelings he knew he shouldn't be having. It was a big cycle and he knew he wasn't doing what he was supposed to be doing. He hadn't even been reading his bible as much since all these feelings with these girls clouded his head. Maybe he felt guilty? Either way he knew that the truth had to come out eventually, he just hoped that today wasn't that day. Not yet. DJ finally rolled out of bed and rubbed his face as he sat on the edge of the bed in his boxers. He stood up and put on some clothes before walking out to the kitchen/living room area. "Morning" he said as he looked over at Parker by the fridge.

Parker took a sip of her water from last night and glanced over at him. "Morning, how did you sleep?" She asked after she swallowed the water and hopped onto the counter. She knew that she should've went to Pride, but she figured she could always go to another one, it wasn't like she never been to one. She crossed her legs at the ankle before she placed her water bottle down onto the counter as she took him in.

DJ watched her hop onto the counter just like Addie had last night and again the same feelings of wanting to stand there between her legs and touch her was ever present. He swallowed and looked into the fridge. "Eh." DJ shrugged. "Could've been better. I'm just glad it's the weekend and I have a break from 10 year olds" he laughed. DJ got some juice and leftovers from the crepes that he got from Madeline the other day. "What about you?" he asked as he moved to lean against the counter next to her. "This looks cool" he said touching her hair lightly. "You did that yesterday yeah?" He asked.

Parker took another drink of her water and swallowed before she laughed. "Aww, I thought you loved hanging around with 10 years old. Since they have a crush on you." She replied as she saw crepes, placed her water bottle next to her. "Those look good." She shrugged a bit. "I'm good, a bit tired from the bakery, the club and from the hair fumes." She glanced at him and gave him a smile. "Thank you and yep, yesterday."

DJ "I do, but not every day!" he laughed. "i need adult contact!" he smiled at her and slide the plate towards her as they stood at the counter together. DJ took one more bite before handing her the fork. "Madeline made them. They're good huh?" He smiled at her and bumped her with his hip. "Well you look great" He said honestly. "I like it. Matches your fiery personality" he smirked at her. "So I'm pretty sure I was promised cuddles and what a massage?" he asked teasing her a bit. "You wanna watch something in bed?" he asked. God they were so a couple already why did things have to be so hard?

Parker "Well, you get adult contact ever day." Parker laughed a bit and grinned when he slid the plate towards her. She grabbed the fork, thanked him before she took a bite and moaned a bit. "That's so delicious. Mhm, they are. I'm gonna see if I can get the recipe from her." She smiled and swallowed what she had chewed and positioned her body towards him. "Thank you and it does, really." She smirked as he talked and nodded. "You were promised that, but someone has to take a shower before those can happen." She knew that he was teasing her but she still wanted it to happen. "I'd like that, actually." They definitely acted like a couple so why are things hard between them?

DJ pointed at her. "That's a good idea" he said drinking his juice. DJ laughed. "What am I smelly?" he teased her and lifted his arm. "you wanna be my nose tester?" he laughed. DJ sighed. "Okay let me shower and I'll meet you in there because my bed is way better" he smirked. DJ faced away from her and pulled off his shirt in one motion as he walked back to his bathroom that was attached to his bedroom. He walked in and stripped the rest of his clothes off, and turning on the shower, waiting for it to get warm. He forgot to close the door because well it was his bathroom and he never usually closed it ever.

Parker smiled when he said it was a good idea. "Be careful now, Im going to be baking more." She replied and shook her head with a laugh. "No, no you can be your own nose tester." She laughed and shrugged a bit. "This is true." She matched her smirk and swallowed hard when she saw his back. It wasn't nothing new of her seeing his back, but something was different. She let out a breath as she placed the plate into the sink and headed into her room. She left the door open, knowing that they were the only two home and started to change into her short shorts along with her tank top. She grabbed her things for the massage, shut the door once Pajamas was out of the bedroom. She walked into the DJ's room, heard the water running and glanced towards it out of habit and ran her eyes over his body. She swallowed some before she quickly looked away. "Um, is there anything you're wanting to watch?"

DJ stepped into the shower after testing the waters and when he heard Parker's voice he realized he forgot to close the door. "Um..whatever you want. I don't care" he said yelling out a bit so she could hear him. He washed up quickly and pulling a towel into the shower to wrap around him. He stepped out and moved into his bedroom. He saw her laying there on his bed and...no he needed to stop thinking about her this way! He was going to get himself in trouble. The two of them being alone in the apartment all day together probably wasn't a good idea but there was no turning back now. He moved to his dresser and got out some fresh clothes to lounge around in. He opted for going shirtless because it was too hot out to cover up especially after that hot shower. He slipped on his boxers and some basketball shorts. "Did you pick anything?" he asked looking over at her briefly. They both knew things were different since the trip. It was like the elephant in the room. He wasn't sure if she felt the same as he did but that tension was still there.

Parker carefully glanced over towards him, swallowed hard as she glanced back at the tv and chewed on her lower lip. She crossed her leg over the other one, as she tried to get lost in the movie, but it wasn't working. "Huh? Oh, yeah, Roadhouse." She replied and started to shout Fuck in her mind and rolled her eyes at herself. "I figured we can always turn it onto something else after the massage so." She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, couldnt avoid the elephant in the room any longer and let out a breath. "Are you ready for the massage or do you want to do it later?"

DJ moved into the bed with her with a nod as she spoke. He looked over at her and nodded. "Yeah we can do massage now. You know you're getting one too right? Because what kind of guy would I be if I didn't return the favor?" he asked shrugging his shoulders. He moved in front of her and sighed. "Can we just...talk about how things have been different since the trip?" he asked. He couldn't take it anymore. He missed the way they used to be when things weren't weird. "I don't know what happened but...I don't know maybe I'm just not here as much anymore and we don't see each other as often as usual." he turned his head to look at her. "I miss us" He said quietly. "I mean it's not just me right?" He asked. As he spoke he could feel him relaxing a bit more.

Parker "Not a gentleman." Parker replied as she adjusted herself to face him and crossed her legs as he spoke. She nodded, knowing that they had to do it sometime. "Yeah, we can." She shrugged a bit at the words don't know what happened. "We don't, which is unusual since we've been attached to the hip and we've been going in different directions." She softly said as he looked at her. "I miss us too." She shook her head at his question and cupped his cheek gently. "Its not, no." She caressed his cheek with her thumb. She felt her body less tensed and more relaxed.

DJ sighed and leaned into her touch for a moment. "I don't wanna lose you. I mean we've always kinda done our own thing but I don't want us to just forget about each other." he turned around and spoke away from her. He tapped his shoulders, ready for his massage. "You mean a lot to me Parks." he spoke honestly. "Can we just go back to being us and forget about everyone else?" he asked as he watched the tv mindlessly. He obviously wasn't paying attention but he just needed to breath and distract himself. He felt like he was being suffocated just thinking about losing her. If he told her how he felt and she left...he wouldn't be able to live with himself. He couldn't hurt her. Not after Addie. DJ was so scared that he was gonna hurt someone again and he didn't want that to be Parker. He just couldn't. So even if he didn't fully understand how he felt about her, he buried it deep. At least for today.

Parker nodded as he talked and continued to caressed his cheek. "I know, and I don't wanna lose you either." She replied softly as she started to massaged his shoulders, smiled softly. "You mean a lot to me too, Dom." She replied a honesty tone and nodded. "I'd love that, actually." She started to work in the muscles and making sure that she made him feel better. She knew that she needed to take Eliana's advice, but she was scared. She couldn lose him, and between everyone who mattered. He was at the top of the list. She pushed it away from her thoughts the best she could and focused on making him feel better.

DJ smiled when she called him Dom. Not many people called him Dom or Dominic. Some people didn't even know his actual name. He was always just DJ but he sounded nice coming from her. "Good" he said. His shoulders relaxed as her hands worked her magic. She was always good at massages and they had done this many time before so it wasn't unusual. Honestly the only thing usual about them was these feelings that hit him like a ton of bricks all at once. He reached for the remote to change the channel. "This is boring sorry" he chuckled and changed it to the Food Network channel. "Oh see that is what you should learn to make" he said. It was some baking competition and he pointed at the tv at the crazy cake they were making.

Parker shook her head with a smile. "Its a classic! Patrick Swayze, its not boring but the new version of Dirty dancing is boring." She commented and continued to massage his back. She laughed when she looked at the TV and shook her head. "If your mom and Charlie would let me, then maybe I will." She was done and laid down next to him. "Alright my turn."

DJ laughed. "Well maybe we should just watch the real Dirty Dancing then" he said shrugging his shoulders. DJ smiled. "I'm sure you can convinced them. It looks awesome" he smiled. When she laid down he moved over her basically sitting on her ass as his knees rested around her. "I promise not to tickle you this time" he side moving his hands over her back and up to her shoulders. He reached behind him and handed her a pillow. DJ was taking a risk but he did it anyway as his hands slipped up her shirt rubbing her back on her bare skin. "Im sure that feels better than over your shirt" he said making an excuse to touch her.

Parker "Please, that'd be great." Parker replied as she gave him a smile and shrugged a bit. "I'll talk to them and find out." She nodded when he said that he won't tickle her this time. "Good, you better not." She thanked him once she grabbed the pillow and placed it underneath her head as she let out a breath. She nodded as she felt him rubbing her back. "It does, actually." She took off her shirt, knowing that she was taking a chance but her breasts were small enough that they weren't be showing. "There."

DJ pulled his hands away from her as she took off her shirt. He swallowed thickly and licked his lips. Fuck. He slowly moved his hands back onto her skin, rubbing gently all the way down her back. Her skin was so soft and all he wanted to do was lean down and kiss her body. He was trying his best not to get hard right then and there. He massaged her shoulders and up on the back of her neck then back down to her sides almost. His hands were making her back warm from all the friction. DJ tended to run warm anyways, that's why he was shirtless so often.

Parker rested her forehead against the pillow and let out a calming breath as she felt his hands on her. She let out a soft moan as his hands massaged her shoulders and up on the back of her neck along her sides. She felt her back get warm from his hands, knowing that he usually ran warm, not that she was complaining. "The massage ever." She murmured before she rested her head to the side to look at him and gave him a soft smile.

DJ looked down at her and smiled back at her. He finished up the massage and laid next to her on his side. "All done" he said handing her her shirt back. "Sorry as much as I think you'd be comfortable shirtless it's very distracting" he said being honest with her. He raised one eyebrow and then moved onto his stomach facing the tv. "So did you want to watch Dirty Dancing then?" He asked as he looked back at her.

Parker thanked him with a smile before she placed her shirt against her chest, turned around and slipped on the shirt, making sure that her breasts didn't fall out or anything like that. "That'd be fine," She answered as she adjusted her shirt a bit and moved her long hair off to the side.

DJ watched her closely and licked his lips. He pulled his gaze away from her and he nodded. "Alright. He grabbed the remote to look for the movie and finally hit play. He like old movies like this even if it was a romance movie. He moved onto his back and opened his arm for her. "Come here" he said softly. He wrapped his arm around her and pulled her close to him as the movie started. This was so easy. This right here. He wanted everything to work out but he had his worries and that was DJ's biggest problem. He worried a lot.

Parker smiled softly when he pulled her closer and snuggled against him as she placed her hand on his chest along with her head. She let out a sigh of content as the movie started and chewed on her bottom lip as she watched the movie. She had hoped that everything after this would work out for the best.

DJ They watched the movie for a while and spent the day lounging around together. After about two or three movies DJ looked down at her and smiled. He was content and maybe they could always be like this? "You wanna order something for dinner? Maybe pizza so we dont have to get dressed?" he asked chuckling a bit. DJ didn't really want to move from the spot with her. He didn't want her to leave his arms.

Parker laughed a bit as she nodded and pulled out her phone. "Of course, do you want the usual?" She asked as she glanced up at him and cuddle more into him, not wanting to leave his arms.

DJ "the usual" he smiled. DJ held her closer. "You know one of us is gonna have to move eventually." He kissed the top of her head, letting his lips linger there for a moment before pulling away. He reluctantly reached over on the end table and grabbed his phone to dial for pizza. He handed it to her knowing she knew what to say.

Parker smiled against him and nodded. "I know." She closed her eyes when she felt him kissed the top of her head and opened them back up. She grabbed his phone, ordered their food and hung up. She crawled over him to placed his phone back onto the end table, placed her hand on his hips as she gotten comfortable. "They'll be here in twenty-five minutes."

DJ looked at her as she leaned over him. He took a deep breath trying not to get all worked up. "Okay but Rock Paper Scissors on who's going to get up to answer the door." He smiled and chanted Rock Paper Scissors, throwing out Paper.

Parker "Alright, fair." Parker replied and started doing the Rock Paper Scissors before she threw out Rock. "So winner goes and gets the pizza?" She smiled when she looked at him with an eyebrow raised.

DJ laughed. "No way that's no how it works." He shook his head and grabbed her fist. "Paper beats rock." He said letting his hand linger on hers. He looked at her and moved his hand into hers, lacing their fingers together. He looked away and back at the movie that was play on the tv. He didn't say anything at all. He just didn't want to mess stuff up with her but he wanted more.

Parker laughed before she pouted. "Finnnnne." She replied and couldnt help but smile when she looked at him. She had to held herself back from kissing their fingers. She looked away when he did and caressed the back of his fingers mindlessly. She wanted to take the jump, but she didnt want to mess things up and knew that she wanted more with him.

DJ held her hand softly rubbing his thumb against hers. They stayed like this for what felt like forever and DJ almost wanted to say something. almost. Until that knock on the door came and he let go of her hand. "That's for you." He smiled at her. DJ moved and sat up a bit in the bed. "You get pizza. I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'll meet you out there." He said kissing her cheek. God he really needed to stop.

Parker groaned when she heard the knock and shook her head. "Next time, you're going down." She replied as she stretched and nodded after she stood up. "Sounds good to me." She smiled when he kissed her cheek and headed to get her wallet. She slipped on one of DJ's hoodies she had stolen, opened up the door and grabbed the pizza while giving the money to the delivery person and gave them a tip before she closed the door.

DJ smirked. He went to the bathroom and freshed up before walking out to the kitchen. "That smells so good" he said as he followed her to where the pizza was. He got out plates and soda for them. "I think pizza will taste way better in bed don't you think?" He moved behind her and reached around to grab a piece of pizza.

Parker nodded as she pushed up the sleeves and grabbed cups for them. "I would say so, I mean. Bed makes everything better, food, cuddling, sleeping." She said. Making out. She let out a breath and grabbed the pizza before she led them to his bedroom.

DJ took a bite of his pizza and grabbed the rest of their stuff before following her to the bedroom. "Yeah something like that." He smirked. DJ sat down on the unmade bed with her. "Pretty sure we could just stay here all weekend. Make up for lost time." He nodded and looked over at her.

Parker nodded as she took a bite out of her pizza and glanced over at him. "Sounds good enough for me, I don't work." She said once her mouth was clear and took a sip of her soda. "I'm game if you are."

DJ "I'm definitely game." He smiled at her. Does that mean you're gonna sleep in here tonight?" He asked as he looked at the bed then at hers. They hadn't slept in the same bed since the trip and definitely not since she moved in. She had her own room and sometimes he missed her sleeping over in his bed wearing his shirts. He looked at her wearing his hoodie. "You look good in that you know." He smiled.

Parker nodded, knowing that she had miss sleeping with him. "Yep, I'm going to be sleeping in your bed wearing one of your shirts too." She said. She had wanted to steal one of his shirts but wasn't for sure if he wouldn't mind. She glanced down, smiled softly and shrugged a bit. "Thank you, I was hoping you wasn't going to get mad."

DJ shook his head. "Why would I get mad?" He asked. "You can take my clothes whenever you want. Honest. They look better on you than on me." He laughed and looked at her. He searched her eyes for a moment and handed her a can of soda. "Here." He said. The thought of spending the entire weekend with her in bed was great although this mind wandered to other things he wished they were doing in bed.

Parker shrugged a bit as she put the slice back onto the plate and laughed as well. "I don't know and thank you, I feel like one of these days I should put on a runway show for you. Wear one pair of my heels and put music on." She said as she met his eyes and grabbed the soda. "Thank you." She glanced down at his lips then back at his eyes and bit down on her bottom lip. A bunch of ideas popped more into her head, not really know what to do or what to say.

DJ almost choked on his soda because the thought of her putting on a show for him drove him a little insane and he would be thinking about that all weekend. "Well...guess we have something to do next weekend." He teased her as if it was just a joke but he wanted it that bad. DJ bit his bottom lip and looked at her. All he wanted to do was push the pizza off the bed and roll on top of her right now.

Parker nodded as she agreed. She really wanted to do it, no matter what lines would be crossed. "I'll make sure to grab some music from the club then." She said softly. She placed her soda and plate on the end table. She noticed him biting his bottom lip and met his eyes. She really wanted to kiss him and then more.

DJ "oh club music. Perfect." He nodded. "I know we don't talk about it that much but I mean...do you like doing it?" He asked. "Working at the club I mean?" He looked at her his eyes moving down her body slowly.

Parker "Which is basically remixes and mashups of songs and there's a few songs I've put on a list.." She shrugged a bit. "I like it a little, pays well and tones my body..Cant really complain." She ran her eyes down his body, making a mental note of it would feel against her body and held onto his shoulders. "I'm pretty flexible.."

DJ chuckled. "Yeah well I can see that." He smiled. He put his hands on top of hers on his shoulders and he laughed. "Oh are you?" He asked. "Can you do the splits?" He asked with a raised eyebrow. DJ licked his lips. "Like can you put your leg behind your head?"

Parker nodded with a smile and laughed. "I can do the splits and I sadly, cannot do that." She said as she scooted closer to him and sat on his lap.

DJ laughed and he wrapped his arms around her. "Yeah well you might not be able to do that but you are ticklish so that counts for something" he said moving his hands to her side and tickling her. He laughed and moved over her until she was on her back and he was hovering over her. He slowly stop tickling her and became silent as he had her pinned down. He looked down at her and being like this he could feel himself getting hard. He swallowed and pulled away. "Sorry. Um...I'll be right back." He pulled away and rushed to the bathroom to compose himself.

Parker shook her head as he started to tickle her and let out a laugh out. "It doesn't." She said through her laughter and felt the bed against her back. She let her laughter die down as she glanced up at him, could see her chest raise up and down as she caught her breath. She also felt the familiar throb starting and almost wrapped her leg around his waist but stopped when he pulled away. She licked her lips as she nodded, not able to form words and sat up on his bed. She pulled her legs close to her body and rested her chin on her knees as she wrapped her arms around her legs.

DJ stood in the bathroom leaning over the sink and he took a deep breath, splashing water on his face. "Shit." His hissed under his breath. He had to pull himself together and stop getting into these situations with her. He flushed the toilet pretending he was going to the bathroom and came back out. He looked at her and frowned. "You okay?" He asked. Shit did he do something wrong? He sat down on the bed. "Hey I'm sorry for the tickling." He said. "Let's just watch the movie and finish eating yeah?"

Parker gave him a smile. "Yeah, Im okay." She replied softly and shook her head when he apologized. "Hey, no. Don't apologize for tickling." She replied as she stretched out her legs and nodded as she grabbed her soda and her pizza. "I agree."

DJ took a breath and he reached for more pizza. He looked over at her and smiled. DJ leaned back against the headboard of his bed. They spent the rest of the night watching more movies and he had gotten under the covers when it got later. It was almost pitch dark in the bedroom and the movie had ended. He wasn't sure if Parker was asleep or not. "Hey you awake?" He asked. DJ couldn't sleep because all he could think about was her.

Parker returned the smile before she finished up her soda and pizza. Halfway through the night she ditched his hoodie and followed suit once she gotten cold. She laid there and raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, Im awake." She replied as she glanced over at him and rolled onto her side to look at him.

DJ rolled over to face her and his hand moved to her waist. "I can't sleep" he said softly. "Come here. I need cuddles." He said pulling her closer. He needed to be closer to her. Even if he couldn't tell her or if this was all they had. He needed to be close to her.

Parker instantly wrapped her arms around him and buried her face into his chest the best she could. She lightly bit down on her bottom lip as she interlaced their legs together and glanced up at him. "Good because I give the best cuddles."

DJ held her close moving his legs between hers. "You do." He whispered. DJ wrapped his arms around her and he kissed the top of her head. He could stay like this forever with her. DJ ran his hand down her side and around her back. He licked his lips and squeezed her hip gently. "You're quiet." He said softly. "What are you thinking?"

Parker closed her eyes as he wrapped his arms around her and felt him kissed the top of her head. She shrugged a bit as she glanced up at him and gave him a soft smile. "Yeah I am." She said in the same tone. "A bunch of different things. What about you?"

DJ looked down at her and he nodded. "Yeah, a bunch of different things." He said softly. DJ pulled her closer and he sighed contently. "Let's just try to sleep okay?" He added. DJ rubbed her waist gently his fingers slightly touching her skin. "Just sleep." He said again.

Parker wrapped arm around him and rested her head against his chest as he rubbed her waist along with feeling his fingers slightly touching her skin. "Do you worry about losing each other?" She asked after a while.

DJ had his eyes closed as she spoke and he felt a sting in his heart. "Yeah" he said softly. "I do." After a moment of silence he spoke again. "I'm scared one day I'll hurt you or I'll hurt us." He said honestly.

Parker rubbed his back as he talked and looked up at him. She furrowed her eyebrows as she opened up her eyes and licked her lips a bit. "Why would you hurt me or us?" She knew that they should at least sleep, but she was used to a sleepless night.

DJ frowned. "I don't know." He said shrugging his shoulders. "Because I've hurt people before." He said speaking about addie and how he had cheated on her in a drunken mistake a year ago. "I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have you in my life."

Parker scooted up some to look at him and cupped his cheek. "I know, but you're not going to hurt me and you won't hurt us." She replied softly as she rested her forehead against his gently. "You don't have to find out, okay? Because Im not going anywhere."

DJ pressed his forehead to hers and they were so close to kissing he didn't know if he should. "You promise?" He asked softly. DJ moved his hands around to her back slipping under her shirt as his thumb caressed her skin. "Well I promise I'm not going anywhere either and maybe we'll be okay."

Parker nodded gently against his head. "I promise." She replied softly. She felt his thumb caressed her skin and swallowed some as she nodded once more. "Okay, because it'll break my heart if I did."

DJ "I'm never gonna break you're heart." He said softly. "It would break my heart if I broke your heart." He chuckled a bit. "Okay?" He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer. "For now lets just stay us right now okay?" He asked. "Just this."

Parker nodded as she agreed and felt him pulled her closer. "Okay." She answered and placed her head on his chest once more, smiled softly as she started to trace something against his chest with her finger. "And this moment."

DJ smiled and he side. "And this moment." He said repeating her. After a while DJ started to drift off to sleep with her in his arms. Exactly where he was meant to be.

Parker smiled softly as she closed her eyes and yawned as he repeated her. She snuggled more into him as she started to drift off to sleep, with him in her arms and where she was needed to be.

#para #para: parker #para: undercontrol

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