#it has no real apology to the woman he cheated on 4 times with

[713-4th-ward-g]

.

[tropes-and-tales]

Just Be

Day 4:  Sex Work (Benny Magalon x F!Reader)

(For the 2023 Kinktober event that I created on my own because I am boring and basic and am trying to keep it simple this year...found here!) 

CW:  Light angst (if you count sad thoughts); smut (erotic massage; sex work; PiV, protected); 18+ only.

Word Count:  3059

AN:  This was requested by an anonymous person!

No one would ever accuse the men of Major Crimes of having their shit together.

Zapata and Connors both teeter into full-blown addiction, the two of them binge drinking on the weekends and days off to make up for the days they can’t drink.  Henderson prefers party drugs and women, runs through both at an alarming rate.  Everyone knows Big Nick’s disaster of a life, cheating on his wife and often missing major moments in his young daughters’ lives because he’s busy partying or playing at being the big man.

Borracho?  Borracho dabbles with alcohol, with the tamer drugs—weed, mostly, but sometimes coke or molly.  But his real vice is women.

Married twice.  Divorced twice.  A failed engagement in between.  Countless girlfriends, and as many one-night stands and hookups as there are stars in the sky.  He likes his women a little crazy, off-kilter enough to keep things interesting.  It’s what always attracts him at the beginning, that scuffed-up angel with a tarnished halo thing.  The type of woman who’s game to blow him in public, who will take his hand eagerly and fuck him in the dirty bathroom at a dive bar.

Unfortunately, those type of women are also the same type to slash his tires or show up at a crime scene to scream at him.  The type to stalk him, follow him to a Major Crimes party and fight with him, then slip off with Big Nick as revenge for some perceived slight.

And maybe none of it mattered when he was young, but he’s creeping closer to middle age now.  He finds the game exhausting now.  He can’t muster up the energy to go out every night like he used to.  The weekend meat market at the bars and clubs feels more like a chore than anything else.  And he goes home alone more often than not:  he’s bordering on creepy now, no longer young, and he sees the side-eye some of the women give him, the wide berth as they walk past the silent man with the salt and pepper facial hair and blurred neck tattoo.

At least he has you.  For awhile now, he’s had you.  The steadiest woman in his life.  Sometimes—when he’s in the throes of a new divorce or curling up alone in his bed after a wasted night out—he’ll contemplate how sad it is that you’re his steadiest relationship. 

You and Borracho, together all this time.  You, the woman who gives erotic massages that lead to more.  Him, the man who pays for your services.

-----

Benny would have never thought himself the type of man to pay for a rub and tug on the regular.  Calling it a rub and tug, though, fails to capture what you really do.

What do you really do?  Benny misunderstood, the first time he paid for your services.  He thought of sex work as a monolith, considered all the sex workers he knew through work and Big Nick’s parties, and he blundered badly.  He got a little rough with you that first time, called you a filthy whore, and you had shut it down immediately.  You had gripped his jaw hard enough to hurt, and stared down at him with cold eyes.

“No,” you’d told him that first time.  “There’s a million girls out here who will let you treat them like shit.  I’m not one of them.  You speak to me respectfully or I leave, understand?”

He did understand.  He had nodded, gulped hard, apologized. 

Everything between the two of you has been smooth ever since.

He calls you when he needs relief, and if he ever gets caught, that’s how he’ll explain it.  It’s just relief, release, whatever.  He’s just a man in need of a woman.

But deep down, he knows it is more.  There are a million girls who will let him treat them terribly, but there’s only one you.  Benny knows he keeps returning to you because you give relief, release, whatever…but you also give comfort.  When he’s heartsore and exhausted to the marrow of his bones, you’re there for him. 

Sometimes—like when he’s watching his brother and his young family living so happily together—he’ll contemplate how sad it is that he has married and dated absolute disasters but how he has to pay the sweetest, gentlest woman he’s ever known for her time and company.

-----

In the beginning, you met in neutral territory, hotel rooms, mostly.  Then you started going to his apartment, leaving a ghostly trace of your perfume on his pillows that would linger for a day or two.  For the last year or so, though, you’ve allowed him to come to your place—your home, where few clients are even afforded a glimpse—because you’ve known him so long and trust him.

You have a little bungalow in Silver Lake, and Benny wonders if your neighbors know what you do for a living.  He knocks on your door, and he doesn’t wait long before you’re opening it and ushering him in.

“It’s been a while,” you say, and you have the same soft smile you always greet him with.  You’re in your usual casual outfit, a wrap dress he knows has nothing underneath it.  You bring him to your guest room—reserved for your work—and you offer him something to drink.

He declines.  He’d been tipsy that first time with you when he badly erred, and he always remains sober since that night.

“This is for you,” he says, and he hands you your fee—an exorbitant amount plus tip, but worth every penny.  He slips it in a greeting card each time, a flimsy pretense in case you get caught.  But you never do.

You take it, thank him.  You slip the card out of the envelope, but you don’t count the cash in front of him.  He’s earned enough trust that you don’t verify his payment, but you do like to see which card he’s selected for each tryst.  Sometimes it’s a birthday card, and sometimes it’s a different sentiment or holiday.  Sometimes he looks for more obscure holidays, just to make you laugh.

Tonight’s card makes you laugh.  It’s a genuine laugh; you throw your head back, open-mouthed, and laugh full from your belly. 

“’For a wonderful pastor and wife’?” you read.  “Seriously, Ben?”

He lifts a shoulder in a shrug, bites back a smile.  “Found it in the ‘Clergy Appreciation’ section of the store.”

You laugh again, then you thank him.  You tuck the card and money in a discreet drawer on the table that holds all of your various massage tools and implements, and you turn to face him.  Your broad grin has been replaced by your soft smile again.

“Shall we?” you ask.

-----

If Benny Magalon had a therapist, they’d have a better handle on his psyche than he does.  Benny doesn’t spend much time ruminating on what makes him tick, what his likes and dislikes and fears and hopes say about him.  If asked, he’d say he’s a simple man, a guy’s guy who likes beer and women and sports, who is generally unphased by life. 

A therapist would peel past all of that and declare it complete bullshit.

Benny is a child of a broken home who grew up to be a detective.  He’s been shot at.  He’s shot suspects.  He has killed.  He stands over the bodies of murdered people—men, women, children.  He sinks down into the underworld on a regular basis, touches on the darkest parts of human nature.  He unwinds with alcohol, drugs, and women, and his only real relationships are his Major Crimes brothers and his multitude of hot, crazy women.

His Major Crimes brothers don’t really know him.  His multitude of women don’t either.  Hell, Benny hardly even knows himself.

A therapist wouldn’t need much time to figure out what he gets out of this thing with you.  What he gets from you, the lone woman standing amongst failed marriages, a failed engagement, and countless failed relationships.  What no one else has ever given him.

Gentle touches.  A care and attention to his body, the gnarled knots of muscles, the twinging nerves pinched from sitting in a car all day for a stake-out.  Soft kisses on every part of him, your skilled hands stroking him, working him into a state of relaxation he’s never known anywhere else but with you.  Soft music playing in the background, soft light illuminating the room.  The soft scent of your perfume, your shampoo, your body wash. 

Everything about you is so fucking soft, and you make him soft too, and if Benny ever bumps against that realization, he shoves it away, doesn’t examine it.  But the fact remains:  you are the one person who makes him soft, and you give him the safe space to be soft.  Benny gets to leave it all behind—the sad childhood, the disappointing relationships, the loneliness, the unhealthy coping mechanisms, the filth and grit of his job.  He gets to shed his tough-guy persona, the whole stiff-upper-lip thing.  He doesn’t have to pretend to be okay, doesn’t have to bury his feelings deep for fear of having Big Nick call him a pussy or worse.

Benny gets to just be.

Tonight, you undress him slowly.  You never hurry.  He’s bought your time, and you never cheat him.  You unbutton his shirt, push it off of his shoulders and arms.  You undo his belt, unbutton his jeans, push them down over his hips.  You push his boxers down too, and you drag your knuckles lightly over his half-hard cock but go no further.  You drop sweet little kisses along the parts of him you expose, his chest and his shoulders, and once he’s naked, you gesture for him to lie down on the bed.

Benny knows the drill.  He lies face-down on the bed, and already he feels more relaxed.  More himself, whoever that may be.  He sloughs off the past few months, the awful cases he’s worked, the failed dates and relationships that never left the ground.  He’s not ruminating on the past and he’s not worried about the future.  He’s just here, now, with you.

A moment later, and he hears the plastic snap of the bottle, the massage oil you warm between your palms before you climb on the bed and join him.  You straddle his waist, and it’s a comforting weight on him.  A moment after that, your hands on him:  warm, slick, accompanied by the light scent of sandalwood.  Stroking him from head to toe.

You start at his scalp.  Your fingernails scratch him lightly, you tug at his short hair.  Down to all the small muscles in his neck, the larger ones in his shoulder and back.  You have a rhythm that makes him sink into the bed:  light strokes that makes him spark to life, makes goosebumps prickle along his skin.  Harder strokes, your fingertips seeking the knots and whorls and loosening them.  Then your bent head, your lips light as air, like you’re sealing your massage work with a chaste kiss to push the magic deeper into him.

You scoot lower, straddle his thighs.  You work his lower back, his ass, and you always give him a flirty little smack that makes him laugh after so much squirming, since he’s especially ticklish there.

Then lower.  You massage his hamstrings, work out the stiffness there, then the knot in his calf that snarls up when he sleeps, always wakes him up with the pain.  Then his feet, finally, and you sometimes joke about breaking out the belt sander to keep his hooves soft, but tonight you just hum and ask him to turn over.

He does, and Benny is never so happy to have this time to be soft as he is when he turns over.  You always look so gorgeous in the soft candlelight, the sight of you straddling him in your dress and him naked, like you’re some sort of goddess coaxing him to life from the common clay of the earth. 

He knows he pays for it, but this is nothing like his usual dalliances.  It’s nothing like he had in his two disastrous marriages, his disastrous engagement.  He can cede control to you and not feel like less of a man; he can let you soothe him, he can focus on the way he feels instead of endlessly worrying that he’s performing well, that he’s the biggest, that he lasts the longest out of any other man his partner has been with.

Besides, when he turns over, that’s when you kiss him in earnest.  That’s when you snake a hand into some inner, hidden tie within your dress and loosen it, let the soft fabric pool around your shoulders and over the swell of your breasts before you toss it aside.  That’s when you turn those clever hands of yours to more promising parts of him:  his chest down to his belly, then down to where his cock strains for you.

But you don’t rush it.  You give the front of him the same amount of attention, if not more.  You pause more to return to his mouth, to kiss him, alternating playful pecks against more passionate ones where you seal your mouth over his, where you lick against him until he’s groaning and squirming underneath you.

You put your mouth to his chest, nipping against his pecs, laying the edge of your teeth lightly against his nipples before you lave his tender flesh with your tongue.  Benny always thinks of it afterwards, this simplest of movements, but how you’re the only woman to ever put her mouth to his nipples, to explore this most obvious of erogenous zones on him.

Through all of it, praise.  You tell him in your quiet voice how good he is, how perfect.  You praise every bit of him—the muscles he works so hard to maintain in the gym, sure, but also the parts no one else ever notices.  His eyes, his hands, his legs, his ass.  You seem to genuinely like his hands, so when he reaches out to steady you against him, you don’t push him away.

Benny wonders sometimes if you’re like this with other clients or just him, but he never allows himself to get obsessive about it.  He’s savvy enough to know that he’s not that far from jealousy, and it would be a fatal mistake to mix feelings with this relationship.

Okay, so he only allows himself to get a little jealous.  Only sometimes.

You can always judge when he’s reached the limits of his patience.  Benny gets squirmy, wriggles underneath you, but you always ask the same question, a paragon of consensual sex.

“You ready, handsome?” you ask.

His answer is always the same, and Benny can be corny with you, can run the stupidest of lines on you because he doesn’t have to play it cool at all.

“I was born ready, beautiful.”

Which always makes your soft smile widen, and then you reach past him to snag a condom.  You tear the foil, and you roll the latex onto him, and this is the sole moment where Benny has regrets:�� he’s not against condoms, but he wishes he could fuck you raw.

He wishes he knew what it feels like to slide into you, to feel not just the warmth and tightness of you but also the slickness of your arousal.  Some primal part of him—the jealous part, he guesses—wishes he could come inside you, mark you as his.  He could convince you to retire, could have you for himself—

You cut him off, cut off his usual fantasy, by grasping his cock and lining it up with your entrance, then mounting him.  Slowly.  You always go slow.  You take him inch by inch, gaze into his eyes as you impale yourself on his throbbing length.  Benny tries to gaze back at you, wants to be fully in the moment, but you always feel so fucking good that he ends up squeezing his eyes shut and clenching his jaw against the urge to thrust up into you and come immediately.

And you always do the same thing here, too.  You reach down and grip his jaw—an echo of that first night together, but you’re gentle now.  You hold him until he opens his eyes again, and you chide him softly.  You run the tip of your thumb over his lower lip, the touch so featherlight he wants to weep. 

“This is about you, Ben,” you remind him.  “Don’t you dare hold back, okay?”

He doesn’t hold back, but he still manages to make you come nine out of ten times.  He doesn’t hold back as his hips press up as you bounce on his cock, your tits gorgeous as they bounce too, your thighs strong and rounded as you work yourself on him.  He doesn’t push away his orgasm as it approaches, but he shifts a hand to where you’re joined to him.  He rubs against your clit, slick and swollen, and Benny knows you’re a pro, but he doesn’t think you’re faking it when your rhythm gets sloppy.  He thinks it’s genuine, how you whine out his name, how your bracing hand on his chest spasms against his pec.

But he knows that you aren’t faking it when you come a beat later.  There’s no way you could fake the way your cunt seizes up and grips his cock, the way your smooth muscles ripple against him like they want to pull him deeper inside of you.

He’s never far behind you.  He’s grateful for the condom in this moment because it affords him those final few thrusts, his hips leaving the bed as he fucks up into you, before he comes too.  The languid heat that has been pooling low in his belly all night finally spills over, molten hot as he comes harmlessly into the latex.  The heat spreads outward from his belly to his limbs, up into his head, and Benny thinks, I could die right now and I’d die happy.

Perfectly safe in your cozy little cocoon of a room.  Perfectly relaxed from your skilled hands and clever mouth and perfect pussy.

Perfectly just himself.

[bruhhxiao]

rant about mental health

(will be deleted in the future maybe)

I would like to apologize for my inactivity, I would like to apologize to those who are waiting for their requests but I want to reassure you guys that I’m working on them! Since I never made a post like this I would like to talk to you about my problem so you could understand the situation I am in.

I never had the chance to live with both of my parents. My father got arrested when I was 1 and 8 months old and was acquitted after nine and a half years, my mom was busy with work and rarely spent time with her and at the time she was an alcohol addicted. She left when I was around 8 and I lived with my brother with my grands. But I don’t want to annoy and the reason it might to take a while for me to post is because my father now lives with us with my grandma. Since he got out of prison he never spent time with us at all to the point he got to know a person, let’s call her Lady. Lady started to ask about my father before he was acquitted from my now passed away aunt. My father went to the point to get to know her even tho she had a boyfriend and lived together (basically she cheated) and from then our relationship was never healthy. She came to our house two time and the third one she promised to be the good one, my father sold the bedroom and kitchen and living room because they weren’t her liking to the point she would leave after 2 months leaving us with nothing.

My father promised to change path with that Lady and start a serious relationship, of course he lied, he can only lie and dated multiples woman to the point he wouldn’t spent a day with us, even Easter, he went to a girl house and she has 4 kids, he prefers others before thank us. This year my mental health got worse, I’ve been suffering with depression for years but never needed a shoulder to cry on because I thought I could handle it myself until yesterday. He started complaining about his wallet that “we” lost and it was early in the morning. I sleep on a couch while he sleeps in my grandmas bed and has no respect towards us at all. So I snapped and of course he had to compre me to my mother calling me a whore and more (even tho I don’t get out from my room at all). I got up and I threw something to him to the point we got into a real fight and in the end my family says is mostly my fault because a daughter should raise hands towards parents, even tho in the past he raised hands on me because of that Lady when were cleaning after dinner, even tho me and my brother weren’t even inside.

My auntie has been helping me since she raised us and toke care of us and she is even trying to find a job for me and pay lessons for me. So it might just take a while to post all the stories and etc.. but I’m working on them all so I could publish them fast. Hope I didn’t annoy with my stories and etc.. but I’ve been keeping this for years. And to all of them that live in a toxic, abusive, unhealthy family please get help. Don’t just ignore the situation because I did too because we didn’t have money to pay therapist. You can always ask to a relative because you’re the only one who can get yourself an out of this kind of situation.

send lots of love and if you want to talk I’ll check you out for sure because I don’t want anyone else live what I’ve been going through <3

I wrote this a few weeks ago, apparently my father got a girlfriend and has two daughters and one is 19(one year older than me) and other is 7 and I had to babysit this kid, which she doesn’t speak my language at all. I fell slightly better. So I’ll start work again!!! Please stay tuned<3

[frozenmoonshine]

Head Canon - Haitani Ran as your boyfriend:

Idek where all these ideas came from, I'm far from a Haitani stan, but I do think the common fanon representation of Ran is rather unfair to the character, considering all the canon stuff we found out from the official character book #3, so... here's my small contribution to fixing it. LOL

Fluff; Hetero relationship

☆ ‌It's no secret that he loves attention and being the center of it, and with his natural good looks and charm/charisma, he always attracts a lot of attention from girls, wherever he appears. That earned him a bad reputation of a playboy/womanizer, but it couldn't be further from the truth. He just enjoys the attention that comes with flirting, but he's only had like, two girlfriends (by the time he joined Tenjiku).

☆‌ Not the type to fall in love easily, or even to develop a crush! He's actually super picky when it comes to women, just like with everything else in life. But once someone has sparked his interest, he goes into the chasing mode, and god help his target, cause they WILL fall for him, no matter what!

☆ ‌But I'm not saying that he's pushy or annoying, or a creep that doesn't know when to back off. Noooo, he's just a sly, witty, little tactician, who will have you play yourself right into his trap! If he's locked on to you, there's no way out, but let's face it - why the hell would you even want out?!

☆ Once in a relationship, he gets comfortable with you easily, you have movie nights and nap dates at least twice a week (after all, he takes 'Netflix and chill' very seriously!), he lets you play with his beloved hair, even mess it up, LOVES lying in your lap, and will fall asleep in less than five minutes, especially if you stroke his hair.

☆ ‌If he's not answering his phone for a while, you know there's only three possible reasons: he's sleeping, in a middle of a fight, or at the hair salon. He will call/message you back right away when he sees the missed calls/receives messages, and most likely say something along the lines of: "Sorry babe, I was asleep". (Bonus points for his sleepy, morning voice! Sexiest thing ever!)

☆ ‌He's very chill and doesn't really do drama. He dislikes fighting with his SO, but when it does happen, even tho it's rare, he'll just go to sleep without talking to you for the rest of the evening. If you buy him a montblanc cake the next day, he'll forgive you whatever your wrong might have been! If he was the one who was wrong, he'll lose sleep thinking about it, and eventually message you a memoire of an apology at like 4 AM. Next time you see him, he'd take you to his favorite hair salon to make up for whatever he did.

☆‌ Not the jealous type at all. So much so, that it might even leave you wondering if he even loves you at all, but cheat on him, or do anything to seriously break his trust, and he'll simply break up with you. He dislikes jealous girls as well.‌

☆ He wants to appear intellectual, but is actually dumb, so he can be rather cringy. He focused on pretty much anything other than studying, so no wonder he keeps using all those "complicated" words wrong, or getting his facts wrong. And if he tries speaking English, lord help you not to laugh at his face! But if you teach him the right things, he'll highly appreciate it. Just don't make fun of him in front of others, that's your one way ticket to hell!

☆ ‌He's quite a sweetheart when he's genuinely close to someone (ask Rindou if you don't believe me). He'll always let you vent to him, hear you out, listen to your problems, no matrer how small or trivial, and he's an amazing listener. He'll always offer emotional and moral support, even if he appears to be teasing you, he's there for his SO when it matters. But he himself can be quite closed off, and not talk about his problems easily, at least not the real ones. He will bitch about a bad hair day, but not openly tell you what's troubling him for real. If you tell him it's ok to rely on others sometimes, he'll just take that as a green light to act like a spoiled kid for the rest of the day, and expect you to baby him.

[watchmegetobsessed]

TO LOVE AND BE LOVED - Part Four (Harry Styles)

a/n: happy TLABL day!! can’t believe we are already on part 4! im not sure if part 5 will be the last part, im still very much writing the rest so we’ll see! thank you so much for all the love you’ve been showing the series, i love reading your reactions! feedback is very much appreciated this time as well!

pairing: CEO!Dad!Harry X Reader

warning: mentions of death, cheating and divorce

word count: 11k

SERIES MASTERPOST masterlist

You wake up feeling like you’ve been hit by a truck or at least consumed a whole bottle of tequila. Your head is pounding and it’s probably with all the crying and stress, so you are quick to take some pills to ease the pain. Sitting on the edge of your bed you stare ahead of you blankly, trying to gain power to start the day.

Though today is Sunday, so you are not working, you’re still worried to face Harry after whatever it was that happened last night. What were you thinking, kissing your boss out of the blue? And what was he thinking kissing you for the second time? It kind of feels like a dream, but you know it really did happen.

You try to stay in your room as long as possible, avoiding to face Harry, but soon enough you can’t postpone it any longer, because you are starving. Peeking out of your room you hear voices coming from downstairs and as you reach the stairs you recognize not just Harry’s and Izzy’s voice, but Niall’s as well.

Arriving downstairs you see Niall and Izzy sitting on the stools at the kitchen island while Harry is cleaning the dishes after their breakfast probably. He is wearing a pair of light-washed jeans and a black hoodie, the sleeves bunched around his elbows. He looks so casual and yet just looking at him makes your heart skip a beat. You are in some big trouble.

Niall spots you first and he perks up waving in your way happily.

“Good morning, Y/N!” he beams, his accent sounds so comforting in such a stressful moment, for some reason.

“Hi, good morning,” you breathe out. Harry turns around, his eyes fall on you and a shiver runs down your spine. He just looked at you and you already want to run away and hide in your room a little longer.

“Morning,” he greets you with a nod before turning back to the sink to finish the dishes.

“Daddy and Uncle Niall are taking me to the park! We are picking Yara up too!” Izzy shares the news with you excitedly.

“Oh, that sounds great!” you smile at her, giving her cheek a gentle pinch before moving to the fridge.

“Do you want to come?” she invites you and your eyes immediately flicker over to Harry who looks at you the exact same time, making your stomach drop right away.

“Um, I have some work to do, maybe some other time,” you smile at Izzy, grabbing yourself a yoghurt and a banana before shutting the fridge closed.

“So how was yesterday?” Niall asks and you freeze. Does he know what happened? Did Harry tell him about last night?

Niall sees your frightened look to which he shoots you a confused one.

“The wedding, Harry told me earlier you had a wedding yesterday.”

“Oh, it went… fine,” you nod shortly, peeking at Harry who is now staring down at his feet awkwardly. This was starting to get painfully ridiculous, the two of you dancing around each other, pretending like you weren’t down each other’s throats just a few hours prior.

“Alright, let’s leave, we need to pick Yara up in twenty,” Harry claps his hands. Izzy jumps off the stool and takes Niall’s hand as they all head out of the house. “We’ll probably have lunch somewhere and then go grocery shopping, so we’ll be away for a while,” he informs you without looking your way before leaving without even waiting for any reaction from you.

Yeah, this was straight up the most awkward conversation you’ve had in a long time.

“Here, Izzy. Play some games on my phone!” Niall passes his phone to her with a sweet smile, but Harry smacks his bicep.

“What are you doing? She has enough screen time already!”

“Yeah, but I needed her to be busy so I can ask you what the fuck was that in the house.”

Harry curls his lips into his mouth, his eyes glued to the road ahead of him as he tries to come up with a good answer, but he knows he could never fool his best friend.

“Don’t stop, even if she is busy with the phone,” Harry scolds him, glancing at Izzy through the mirror, but she doesn’t seem to be listening to them. Niall rolls his eyes, but lets his words uncommented. “Besides, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” “Oh, you exactly know it. You and Y/N were like scared little bunnies around each other. She looked like she was about to faint any moment when you looked at her.”

“Maybe she was just tired,” he shrugs, but Niall laughs at his weak attempt to fool him.

“Now tell me the real reason, I know something happened.”

Harry chews on his bottom lip, debating whether he should come clean or not, but he knows Niall won’t leave him until he finally tells him so he is not left with many choices.

“We kissed.”

“What?!” Niall snaps, a little louder than Harry expected, his voice makes him flinch. “Sorry, that was a little too dramatic, but what the fuck? Why were you keeping this from me?!”

“Because I knew this is how you’d react,” Harry mumbles under his breath. “And… I don’t think it will ever happen again.”

“What do you mean?”

“The whole thing was a mess,” Harry sighs. “She came home late, pretty upset because she met with her ex at the wedding.”

“The one that cheated on her?”

“Mhm. The dude was an asshole and… she was crying in the kitchen when I came down. We sat on the couch, talked, I tried to calm her down and all that and then… she kissed me.”

“Wait, she kissed you? Wow, she’s got balls!” Niall laughs.

“Yeah, but it was, like, really short and she pulled back, shocked at herself for doing it. I think it was just all the emotions that got her a little confused. But then she tried to apologize and… and I kissed her.”

“What?! Oh my God!” Niall’s mind is blown and he doesn’t even tries to hide his excitement hearing the news about last night. “Was there tongue?”

“Jesus, Niall!” Harry scowls. “I’m not sharing the details with you.”

“Okay, but was it like a solid, short kiss or you guys went right at it?”

Harry doesn’t answer, but it tells enough about the situation and Niall can’t help but whistle as he claps his hands.

“Stop acting like a horny teenager, Niall,” Harry growls rolling his eyes at his friend.

“So you guys snogged, what’s the matter with that?”

“It got awkward. We just pulled back and I think we both were pretty shocked about it and… she just stood up and said that she is going to bed. End of story. And then you were there in the morning, so… yeah.”

“Tell me why the hell we are heading to a playdate then when you should be talking to her?” Niall asks, arching an eyebrow at Harry.

“There’s not much to talk about. It just happened in the heat of the moment, that’s all,” Harry shrugs, but deep down he knows it’s a blatant lie. At least on his side.

Unlike you, who fell asleep right away, Harry spent about an hour lying in his bed wide awake, not able to think about anything else but your lips on his. He replayed the whole thing in his head about a million times, he was starting to feel ashamed of it, but he just couldn’t stop.

Your abrupt leaving left him puzzled and he thought long and hard about why you felt the need to run away. The only thing that made sense to him is that you regretted it the moment it happened, that it really did just happen in the heat of the moment so Harry thought it’s best to act like it didn’t even happen.

“Please don’t be an ass and just… talk to her. We both know we can never know for sure what a woman thinks about. You can’t just assume and think that your assumption is one hundred percent right.”

“I find it funny that you’re such an expert in this stuff, but you haven’t had a stable relationship since like, we finished college,” Harry scoffs as he takes the corner and starts driving down the street to Yara’s moms’ house.

“Me not having a relationship doesn’t mean that I’m not good at them. It’s a choice,” Niall smirks.

“Yeah, whatever.”

“But back to the topic, you wanted to kiss her, right?”

“I mean, yeah? It kinda threw me off as well, but it was… nice.”

“Please don’t refer to a kiss as nice again,” Niall gags, but Harry just chuckles at him. “A kiss is hot, passionate, pant tighteni—“

“Okay, that’s enough!” Harry cuts him, earning a cackle from him.

“Just talk to her, don’t be a pussy.”

“I really do need better friends,” Harry mumbles under his breath as he pulls up to the driveway.

You really didn’t feel like staying home alone in that big ass house so you invited yourself over for an early dinner to your mom’s. You haven’t been over since the little fiasco with Trevor so you thought it might be a good idea to spend some time with them. Trevor said they’ve been trying to keep the fighting down to the minimum and not let it turn into a screaming match, so your speech worked after all.

It’s past three o’clock when you leave, no sign of Harry or Izzy and you feel like they won’t be back for a while either, so you lock everything up and head out.

You have a genuinely good time. It’s obvious that your mom feels guilty about her past behavior and is trying to lure you into forgiving her, though you already did that. But you’re happy your little speech worked. At least Trevor can have his peace now.

After dinner your mom disappears in her room and then returns with a nicely wrapped box and you sigh, rolling your eyes.

“Mom, I told you I don’t need gifts.” You give her a look. Your birthday is coming up next week, but you were never the kind to celebrate. You never felt comfortable with all the attention and fuss birthdays come with, so you’ve always liked to keep it down. These past years you didn’t even ask for anything, though your parents never listened and this year doesn’t seem like an exception either.

“Oh hush. You can’t expect me not to celebrate my baby!” she shakes her head, sitting back to the dining table. “And besides, I didn’t pay a dollar for it,” she then adds and now you’re curious what she got you.

Removing the lid of the box you peek inside and your lips immediately part as you see the stack of polaroids inside.

“I know how much you like old photos and when we sold Grandma’s house back in August, I found these in my old room. I got a polaroid camera for graduation, just in time to take tons of pictures of you,” she explains with a soft chuckle as you start going through the pictures from when you were born and the next few years. Whenever you are done looking at a photo you hand it to Trevor so he can take a look at them too.

“Are you sure you don’t want to keep these, mom?” you ask glancing up at her over the stack.

“I took out a few for myself,” she admits with a sneaky smile. “You can have the rest, I know how much you love these stuff.”

“Thank you, mom,” you smile at her, hugging her from the side, feeling touched by this gift.

It’s nearing eight when you arrive back home, the lights are still up and if you had to guess you’d say that Harry is trying to tire Izzy out enough to put to bed, as usual. Walking in, your guess is proven right, the TV is on in the living room while Harry is sitting on the couch, Izzy all over him in her pink pajamas, playing around with his hair like she always does.

“Hi Y/N!” she calls out happily when she spots you.

“Hi Sunshine, did you have a good time today?” you ask with a soft smile.

“I did! And guess what!”

“What?”

“Yara invited me over for a sleepover!” she beams, clearly ecstatic about the invitation.

“That’s amazing!”

“What’s that?” she curiously asks pointing at the gift box in your hands. Harry turns to see you, his eyes falling on the box as well.

“Oh, it’s a gift I got from my mom,” you explain, stepping closer.

“Is it your birthday?” she questions, knitting her eyebrows together.

“No, not yet. But it will be next week,” you admit with a soft chuckle.

“Really? Are you having a birthday party?” she gasps, getting way too excited already. Harry eyes you without a word, holding Izzy by her hips so she is not losing her balance standing on the cushion of the couch.

“I’m not, sorry. I don’t like having birthday parties,” you pout at her apologetically.

“Oh, okay. Can I see what you got from your mom?”

“Izzy, don’t be nosy,” Harry warns her, but you just smile at the curious girl.

“Sure,” you nod, joining them on the couch. You sit on the opposite end than where Harry is, Izzy in the middle as she watches the box in awe. You set it down to the cushion and take the lid off, revealing the stack of photos.

“What are these?”

“They are called polaroids. They are old pictures, taken with a special camera that kind of prints the picture out right away,” you explain to her as she takes the first photo from the top, a picture of your mom holding you as a newborn. She was so young, practically a child herself, yet her pride was undeniable, it shone all over her face.  You spot Harry looking at the picture as well over Izzy’s shoulder, still keeping his silence.

“Who are these people?”

“That’s my mom and that’s me as a baby. And… this is my dad,” you hold up another photo that features your dad.

“They really were young when they had you,” Harry speaks up for the first time, surprised by the photos.

“Yeah, they were.”

“What are you going to do with them?” Izzy questions, dropping the photo back into the box as she leans back to lie on Harry’s chest.

“Not sure yet. I might make an album from them,” you shrug. “I really like polaroids, I love that they are one of a kind.”

Izzy nods, though you’re not sure she understood what you meant by that. Fidgeting with her fingers she pushes down a yawn and Harry takes that as a good sign.

“Alright, time for bed, Love. Say good night to Y/N.” He picks her up as he stands from the couch. Izzy waves at you smiling with tired eyes.

“Night-night, Y/N,” she singsongs as Harry carries her towards the stairs.

Putting the pictures back into the box you head into your bedroom too, feeling like the time when you and Harry talk about what happened yesterday will never come. It’s pretty clear that he doesn’t want to acknowledge it, so you’ll just let it slip. It happened just in the heat of the moment, didn’t mean a thing, you better forget about it.

After a speedy shower you are getting ready to just go to bed, read some and have a relaxing evening, something you didn’t have the luck to have the day before. But right as you’re about to make yourself comfortable in bed, there’s a knock on your door.

“Hey,” you breathe out as you open it and find Harry standing in the hallway.

“I hope you weren’t sleeping already.”

“No. Come on in,” you invite him inside and he walks in. As he awkwardly stops in the middle of the room you realize he hasn’t even been in here since you’ve moved in. He takes a look around, examining what you’ve done with the room and you feel thankful you decided to put your laundry away just yesterday, so no dirty underwear is littering the floor anywhere.

“How can I help you?” you ask with a soft smile.

“I, erm… I just wanted to clear some things,” he starts, clearly feeling nervous about the conversation and that makes the two of you for sure. Nodding you let him know that you’re waiting for him to carry on. “What happened yesterday…” he starts and your breath gets caught in your throat. “You were very emotional, a lot happened and it was a very confusing moment probably for the both of us. I really like working with you, I’m very happy with the way you’ve been taking care of Izzy and I would hate to ruin it with anything.”

You can feel your stomach dropping even though you were bracing yourself for this version of the situation. It was very likely that Harry would want to keep things professional, like before, but it still makes you feel like shit.

“I’m sorry for stepping over some boundaries, but I really hope that… we can put it behind us and that we can move on.”

He is using his business tone. It’s the same tone he used with Sarah and his assistants and now he is using it to talk about the kiss that happened between the two of you.

“Sure,” you answer quietly nodding. “Moving on sounds… great,” you nod, forcing a smile to your face, but it couldn’t be more fake.

Harry nods as he runs his tongue over his lips, looking around a little awkwardly now that it’s been discussed.

“Alright, then… good night, Y/N,” he nods in your way before heading towards the door.

“Good night, Harry,” you mumble after him as he walks out and closes the door behind him.

As soon as you are on your own, you let out a shaky breath, falling to your bed, lips trembling as you try to even make out what you’re feeling. Because part of you is glad he didn’t make a fuss about it and you didn’t lose your job, that’s great news. But another part, which is vehemently bigger than the first one is upset and sad and… disappointed?

You were hoping it meant something for him, you wanted him to want it, to feel the same craving for you as you feel towards him, because you haven’t really stopped thinking about what his lips felt like against yours, what it was like when his fingers dug into your thigh, how it sent a shiver down your spine when his tongue met yours.

But this conversation just made it awfully clear that he wants nothing to do with you. And it hurts probably more than it should.

 Harry doesn’t get too far from your door when he feels the all too familiar pain in his chest he has been forced to live with these past over three years. It’s like something is gripping his heart and lungs in his chest so tight, even breathing is a hard task.

Rushing into his bedroom he closes the door behind him and slides down to the floor as the tears flood from his eyes. The past twenty-four hours have been rough on him, the guilt has been growing immensely since he let himself slip and give in for his desires and eventually kiss you.

It’s not that he didn’t want it. Because he’d be lying if he said it meant nothing to him and that he hasn’t been craving it these past weeks.

But his guilt, this evil little voice in the back of his head wouldn’t let him enjoy it even the slightest.

How dare you kiss another woman after your wife? Are you insane? You don’t deserve to feel this way with anyone else. Not when you were the reason your wife ended up dead!

Heartbreaking sobs escape from his chest as he pushes himself up from the floor and heads into the bathroom. He strips out of his clothes leaving them all in a pile on the marble tiled floor before he steps into the shower and lets the hot water pour down on him, almost burning his skin, but he doesn’t change the temperature, as if he was trying to punish himself. His salty tears mix with the water as he stands still, chest heaving as his vivid memories from that night come crashing down on him all at once.

“Are you giving me the silent treatment now? Really?” Harry sighed at his wife when she failed to answer his question about the whereabouts of his sweatpants. Maggie sat on the bed with the recent maternity book she’d been reading these past days, not even paying her husband a look at his question.

“Mags, for fuck’s sake, I’m not in the mood to play this game right now,” Harry sighed in defeat. Maggie looked up at him, closed the book slowly and put it aside to the bedside table.

“So the question of expanding our family is just a game to you?” she asked calmly, but her anger and disappointment in her husband was soaking through her tone.

“You know that’s not what I’m talking about.”

“No, you are not talking about anything, because you refuse to have a fucking conversation with me!” she retorted, letting all her bottled up anger out that’d been boiling inside her.

“I already told you that I can’t think about having another baby right now. Izzy is only six, I’m in the middle of a huge project, I don’t have the capacity to think about having another baby, Maggie. I thought I made it clear, why are you still onto me then?”

“Because it’s not something we can put aside for too long! I don’t want to have another baby when I’m in my mid-thirties, but if we go with your plan, we won’t even have another one!” Maggie jumped to her feet, pacing the floor back and forth next to their bed as Harry stood with his hands on his hips, getting irritated that they were fighting over the same thing again.

“I never said we can’t have another baby, but why can’t we wait a little? When Izzy is older and more independent? Do you have any idea how hard it is to take care of a baby and a toddler? It’s a fucking nightmare!” Harry growled rolling his eyes.

“So our family is just a pain in the ass for you?” Maggie questioned, folding her arms on her chest and she was really getting on Harry’s nerves, twisting his words completely.

“That’s not what I said!” he snapped. “All I’m asking for is you to be a little patient and give me some time!”

“I don’t have time, Harry! I want it as soon as possible!”

“Why are you so fucking difficult?” Harry groaned, running his hands through his hair. “Why can’t you wait just… one year at least? Is that too much to ask?”

“And is it too much to ask to focus on your family? We are supposed to come first!” she turned it back around and Harry was not having the dirty games she was playing, putting all the blame on him when she could have been a little more understanding as well. He was feeling like his opinion was put aside and didn’t matter at all.

“You do come first, you don’t have the right to question that.” Harry pointed at Maggie, his blood practically boiling at this point.

“Then why do I feel like work is always more important to you?”

“What are you talking about? You know I’m home as much as I can, but we still need the fucking money, Maggie! Or how do you plan on paying the bills of this fucking mansion?!”

“I don’t need a mansion! I just need my family and that’s all!” she argued, but Harry rolled his eyes at her.

“Well you seem to enjoy this mansion a lot when you sit by the pool and watch movies in the fucking movie theater in your own home!” he snapped back feistily. “Stop acting like I don’t do shit for our family when I work my ass off to provide the best possible life. And all I’m asking for in return is some fucking time before we bring another baby into the picture!”

“You are so fucking unbelievable,” Maggie shook her head as she marched past him, walking away from the fight that just grinded his gears even more.

Just as Harry was about to go after her, he heard the faint crying through the baby monitor. Groaning he headed into Izzy’s room and as he took her out of her crib, he heard the front door open and shut.

“Aw, baby, I’m sorry, did we wake you up?” he cooed, hugging the crying little girl to his chest who clung onto him immediately. Even at such a young age, Izzy was already a daddy’s little girl.

Soon her cries died down to just little hiccups as Harry soothed her, patting her bum and back gently as he moved around the room. Holding Izzy in one arm he grabbed his phone with his free hand and typed a message to his wife.

Harry: Where did you go?!

Maggie: I’m going over to my sister’s. Don’t wait up, might get home late.

Harry couldn’t help but roll his eyes. She called him out for running away from the conversation, but when they were finally talking about it she just decided to disappear when it didn’t head in the direction she wanted, seeking comfort at her sister, as always.

He managed to lull Izzy back to sleep, putting her back to her crib before going back to the bedroom. As time passed by and he calmed down more and more he wished Maggie was home so they could talk about it without jumping at each other’s throat. There had to be a compromising way to solve the situation that would be fine for the both of them.

Harry: Please come home and let’s talk about it.

Maggie: So you can bite my head off again?!

Harry: Mags, please. You have to understand my point of view too!

Maggie: I understand it, but I don’t agree with it. And you don’t seem to understand mine…

Harry: I do, but there are more things to consider. Please come home, I don’t want to have this conversation over the phone!

Maggie: Okay, I’m heading home now.

Harry put his phone down to the nightstand with a long sigh, already tired from everything that happened that day and he knew this conversation would be a hard one too, but they needed to be on the same page when it came to their family.

It was late getting late and Harry grew a little more restless with each passing moment. Paisley, Maggie’s sister lived about thirty minutes away from them and it’d been forty minutes since she sent her last text. At first he figured she maybe stayed and talked for a little longer with Paisley, or stopped for some fast food which he knew she liked so much whenever she was upset, but when an entire hour passed by he was getting worried.

He kept sending her texts that didn’t even get delivered and when he tried to call it went straight to her voicemail. Harry was losing his shit so he decided to call Paisley to see if she knew anything about her.

“She hasn’t arrived home yet?” she asked, clearly surprised.

“No, and she is not answering my calls and texts. When did she leave from yours?”

“A long time ago. Almost right away when you texted her to go home.”

“Fuck,” Harry breathed out, anxiously pacing the floor as he held the phone to his ear. “Okay, can you please call your parents in case she went there for whatever reason? I’ll try her friends.”

“Yeah, sure. Let me know if you got a hold of her,” Paisley told him before they ended the call.

Harry was scrolling through his contacts, trying to decide who Maggie would go to first in this situation and just as he was about to call the first person, his phone started ringing with an unknown number.

“Hello?” he answered the call unsurely, his heart beating fast in his chest as he stood in the middle of the room.

“Mr. Harry Styles?” a male voice asked on the other end.

“Yes, it’s me. Who am I speaking to?”

“I’m Officer Field speaking. You were listed as the emergency contact for your wife, Margaret Linn Styles.”

Blood rushed out of Harry’s face faster than he could even process what was happening. He stood completely frozen, his hands were getting clammy as he started sweating as if he just ran the marathon.

“What happened?” he asked weakly, barely even finding his own voice.

“Mr. Styles, I have bad news…”

Harry makes his way down to the entertainment room, walking like a zombie, only thinking about the bottle of vodka that sits in the minibar down there. Following his skin burning shower he tried to go to bed, but his head was starting to spin from everything that’s been swirling in his mind and he knew he wouldn’t be able to stop it if he didn’t numb himself somehow. Unfortunately, his only way of doing it has been drinking, nothing seemed to help him the way alcohol did and though he knew he should never solve any of his problems with drinking, he still couldn’t help himself sometimes. When the pain was growing immensely, taking over his whole body, he chose the easiest way to get rid of the guilt or at least stop himself from… feeling.

Grabbing the bottle from the mini fridge he snatches himself a glass as well, not drinking straight from the bottle at least, and plopping himself down to the couch he pours a generous glass, drinking it without any chaser.

He winces as the alcohol burns down his throat, but at least it’s a different kind of pain, that takes the focus away from the one he is feeling in his chest.

One glass chases the other and since he is not particularly used to the heavy drinking, he is more like the ‘let’s nurse this pint for an hour’ type of guy, the raw vodka kicks in pretty quickly.

 But he is not the only one who can’t fall asleep tonight.

You tried everything in your power to end your misery and finally fall asleep, but your mind and body was plotting against you and made you toss and turn until you couldn’t take it any longer. Making a good cup of tea seemed like a good idea, so you headed down the kitchen.

As you round the corner after the stairs and you’re about to walk into the kitchen, you notice how the lights are on down in the entertainment room. You stop in your tracks and try to think back if anyone was there before you went upstairs, but you don’t think it was the case.

You figure since there are only two adults living in the house, it must be Harry down there and right now, facing him doesn’t sound like a good idea, so you decide to leave him be, but that’s when you hear the voice of some kind of glass breaking, followed by a heavy accented cursing and it changes your mind right away.

“Harry?” you softly call out as you walk down the stairs, not sure what to expect down there. He is crouching down, his back in your direction as he is trying to get the pieces of the broken glass up from the floor, but he is too disoriented to succeed in the task and it’s obvious that an injury is deemed to happen sooner or later.

“Harry, you’re gonna cut yourself!” you warn him, and walking over to him you pull him up from his squatting position and when he looks at you is when you realize that he is drunk out of his mind.

“Y/N, oh shit, did I—Did I wake you up?” he slurs, knitting his eyebrows together as he tries to focus his vision on you.

“You didn’t, but let me just—Why don’t you sit down for a moment while I clean this up, huh?” you suggest, pulling him towards the couch, making him sit. He falls to the cushion like dead weight, letting out a tired sigh while you rush to get a broom and a dustpan to get rid of the broken glass on the floor as fast as possible before someone cuts themselves.

“I’m so sorry, Y/N,” he breathes out closing his eyes.

“It’s okay. I’ll just clean it up quickly,” you assure him, getting down to business.

“Not about the g-glass. Well, about that as well…”

“Then why are you sorry?” you ask, as you sweep the shards onto the dustpan and throw them into the closest trashcan.

“About being… a pain in the ass,” he hiccups.

“You are not a pain in the ass,” you chuckle softly as you sit beside him.

“I am. I fucked things up,” he nods with a painful expression all over his handsome face.

“What do you mean?” You know you shouldn’t make him talk in this state, but you can’t help your curiosity. It seems like drunkenness makes his tongue run wild and you are desperate for the tiniest crumble of information about what’s going on in his head.

“I just… I kissed you,” he breathes out, his eyes popping open, but he is staring at the ceiling, not you.

“And?” you ask, trying to act cool, though your pulse is rapidly increasing.

“And I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Oh.” You lick your lips and try not to show how much that hurt. But even drunk, Harry notices the disappointment in your tone. His glassy eyes snap over to you and his face falls right away.

“That’s not how I mean it!” he gasps, reaching for your hand and you’re surprised by the sudden physical touch, but it feels kind of nice, so you let him hold your hand between his arm palms. “It’s not like I didn’t enjoy it, because fucking hell, it was amazing!” he bluntly tells you and you can already feel the heat crawling up your neck.

“Really?”

“Yes!”

“Then why did you tell me all of that in my room just earlier now?”

Harry pulls his hands back and moves his arms across his face, covering his eyes as he slides down the couch, his legs spreading out in front of him. He lets out a shaky whimper and seeing him like this worries you a lot. Harry is always in control, he has never let him fall apart like this before.

“Because… I don’t deserve to feel this way,” he confesses, confusing you even more. What is he talking about?

“Why wouldn’t you?”

He shakes his head under his arms, biting into his bottom lip as he inhales deeply, like he is trying to keep something inside, something you shouldn’t know about, but now you are desperate to find it out.

“I’m a fucking mess,” he breathes out, letting his arms fall to his sides, but he keeps his eyes closed, shutting you out in a way. “I don’t deserve to have these feelings,” he repeats again and it appears he is more likely talking to himself, rather than to you.

“Harry, what are you talking about?”

“I can’t tell you. I can’t tell you, because if I did, you’d never be able to look at me again.”

Now he is crying. Tears are rolling down his cheeks and his lips are trembling and you’ve never seen him in such a vulnerable state and quite frankly, it scares you. You knew him to be a strong and stable man, but now he resembles a frightened little boy, so lost in this big world.

“I’m pretty sure it’s not that bad, Harry.”

“It is,” he winces, as if it’s causing him physical pain to even talk about it.

“Harry…” You breathe out and moving closer you place a hand on his knee, giving it a gentle, reassuring squeeze. He turns to face you, his eyes all watered and glistening, he looks so heartbroken, it almost pains you as well.

“Promise me you won’t see me as a monster,” he whispers.

“I-I promise,” you nod, already bearing yourself for the worst, judging from the look on his face.

Taking a deep breath he looks around, as if he is making sure no one else is listening. Then his eyes fall down to his hands in his lap, he fidgets with his fingers, his tongue running along his pink lips before he takes a deep breath and speaks up again.

“Maggie’s death… It was all my fault. I fucking… killed my own wife.”

His voice dies down at the end of the sentence, staring into the void, completely zoned out as you sit beside him, shocked at his words. This was not exactly what you were expecting him to say. Harry starts sobbing again, the hot tears running down his cheeks as he starts crying and panic sets in you. He is so out of his own world, you have no idea what’s happening to him. Rushing over to the mini fridge, you grab a water for him, thinking it might help him at least after all the alcohol he has consumed.

“Here, drink some water,” you softly tell him, taking the cap off as you hand him the bottle. He takes it with a shaky hand and raising it to his trembling lips he takes a few small sips. “Harry, what do you mean it was your fault?” you ask, knowing well you probably shouldn’t push it, but you can’t just ignore what he said.

“Exactly what I said,” he sobs shaking his head vigorously. “It was all my fault, I was a fucking coward and that’s why she died! I could have stopped her! I should have gone after her!”

He is not answering you, not entirely. He is speaking thoughts that have been planted in his head a long time ago and they seem to be on repeat whenever he is feeling down. As much as you want to get more details out of him, he needs to rest, especially because he is working in the morning.

“Come on, let’s get you to bed, H,” you tell him as you stand up and reach out for him to help him to his unsteady feet. It turns out to be a little harder than you expected, but you manage to get him up from his sitting position, and throwing one of his arms over your shoulders you start to walk him up towards his bedroom.

“You fucking hate me now, don’t you?” he slurs, his other hand reaching out towards the wall to steady himself a little more.

“I don’t hate you, Harry.”

“But you think I’m a monster, right?”

“I’m not sure I know enough to think anything about you. This is a conversation we should have when you’re sober,” you suggest and he huffs.

“M’sorry for getting drunk in the middle of the night.”

“It’s alright. But I think you’ll have a mean headache in the morning,” you tease him as you finally reach the upstairs and head down the hallway towards his room.

“You’re a fucking angel, Y/N. You know that?” He just keeps talking and talking and you find it funny how different he is from his reserved and quiet self in this state.

“Am I?”

“Yeah. You are. You are so good to my daughter and to me as well… I really don’t get why your fucker ex cheated on you,” he huffs and you can’t help the smile that tugs on your lips. “What was his name? Kyle?”

“Keith,” you correct him.

“That fucker, Keith!” he spats making you laugh as you push his bedroom’s door open and walk him inside finally. “I bet he had a small dick.”

“Why does that matter,” you chuckle, making him sit on the edge of the bed.

“Because guys with small dicks are always out of touch with themselves. They think they are just better than everyone for some reason.”

“Do you have any scientific research to prove that?” you tease him as you push him down, tugging him under the covers, like a little kid.

“No, I just… know shit,” he sighs, his eyes falling closed the moment his head rests on the pillow.

“Alright. You can tell me more about what else you know when you’re sober. Now get some sleep, because you have work in the morning.”

You make sure he lies on his side as he hums his response. Reaching down you brush his messy curls out of his forehead as he breathes out harshly through his nose, probably about to fall asleep any moment.

Tapping on the screen of his phone on the nightstand you make sure that he has set up his alarm and you see the little alarm clock icon at the top bar so you are just about to walk out when you turn back around.

Seeing how he pushed so many things down inside of him, you’re not convinced he’ll be willing to give you the answers you are looking for. You’re afraid he might talk himself out and give you some kind of bullshit answer, so reaching for his phone you sneakily take his thumb and open the device, all whilst he doesn’t even move an inch.

Scrolling through his contacts you find Niall’s number and send it over to yourself before deleting the message so you leave no trail behind. You set the phone back to his nightstand and head out finally, going to bed as well, right after sending Niall a quick message.

Y/N: Hi! It’s Y/N, I got your number from Harry’s phone. Can you come by sometime tomorrow? I need to talk to you about something.

When you come down in the morning it’s pretty obvious that even though Harry had his alarm on, he snoozed one too many times and now he is in a rush, trying to get everything done and leave on time.

“Good morning,” you greet him and Izzy upon walking into the kitchen. Harry’s head snaps up from the half-made breakfast in front of him and judging by his expression, he more or less remembers what happened last night. “Rough morning?” you ask teasing him to ease the tension.

“Uh, yeah. Woke up a little late,” he nods, finishing up Izzy’s sandwich just the way she likes, without the crust on before handing it over to her. Izzy grabs the plate and marches over to the dining table, quietly munching on her food while Harry quickly tries to make himself a coffee, but he is a hot mess, still in his night clothes when he is supposed to leave in about ten minutes.

“I’ll make you the coffee, go and get changed,” you offer, taking over the machine.

“Oh, thank you,” he nods and for a change, he doesn’t try to argue with you, he just disappears upstairs.

You make his coffee just as he likes and leave it on the counter for him before joining Izzy at the table with your own breakfast. She is babbling about how excited she is for her piano lesson today, because she’s been practicing a lot lately. When Harry appears again he is dressed for work, but still looks a little disoriented.

“Hey,” you softly say as you join him in the kitchen.

“Hey, thank you for the coffee,” he nods, moving around the kitchen.

“No problem. How are you feeling?” you ask, hoping you’re not crossing any boundaries. Harry opens his mouth to answer, but then closes, probably not sure how much he should share, though he didn’t have too much problem with that last night.

“I’m… A little hangover, but I’m… fine,” he nods shortly. “Y/N, about last night, I—“

“We can talk about it later, okay? Don’t stress about it.” You give him a reassuring smile and you can tell he is sort of relieved he doesn’t have to have this conversation right in this moment.

“Thank you.”

“No worries. And I’ll clean up in the kitchen, don’t be late,” you smile at him warmly. You can tell he wants to protest, but he also knows he is running late so he doesn’t have much choice.

“Thank you, I’ll… see you later.”

Storming over to Izzy he presses a kiss to her forehead before grabbing all his stuff and leaving.

Niall texts you back not long after breakfast that he is free to drop by when Izzy is having her piano lesson. You carry on with the morning as usual, trying your best not to dwell on everything that happened last night.

Just as Rosaline and Izzy get settled for the lesson you hear a car pulling up outside and a few moments later the doorbell rings through the house.

“Let’s get one thing straight, is it a booty call?” Niall questions right away as you let him inside.

“It’s good to see you again,” you chuckle, shaking your head at him.

“So no sex is gonna be involved?” he smirks and you know he is just teasing you.

“No, sorry to disappoint.”

“Oh, you can never disappoint me, darling,” he winks at you before walking into the kitchen to serve himself a drink. “So why did you need to see me so desperately?”

“Well, I know I shouldn’t be discussing this with you first, but I feel like I need to know some basic information that Harry might not give me so I thought you could help me out.” Niall nods as he pours himself some soda and joins you at the kitchen island, sitting on the stool next to you. “I uhh—I need to ask how much Harry shared with you about… about me—and, um what—“

“Save the stuttering, I know you two kissed,” Niall cuts you off and you breathe out in relief that you don’t have to be the one breaking him the news.

“Oh, okay,” you nod with an awkward smile. “Yeah, so that happened. And last night he and I had this conversation how we should just keep our relationship professional and all that. We both went our own way but then later I found Harry down in the entertainment room, drunk and basically having a meltdown of some sort.”

“How drunk was he?” Niall asks, knitting his eyebrows together.

“Pretty drunk. He broke a glass and he was… crying and talking about a lot of stuff.” Niall takes your words in as he inhales deeply, just nodding for you to continue. “He started telling me how sorry he was for fucking things up and he was a mess, like a huge fucking mess. Then he told me about how he shouldn’t be feeling the way he does, because he doesn’t deserve it…”

“Jesus…” Niall shakes his head, probably already knowing where this is heading.

“And then he told me that his wife’s death was his fault. That was… pretty intense.”

“I can imagine.”

“I know I have to talk to him about it, but I’m really afraid he might shake it off, but it seems like he is having some serious issues and I wouldn’t want things to get out of hands. That’s why I thought I would talk to you, maybe you know what to do or how to approach him with such a sensitive subject.”

“Yeah, I get it. It’s nice of you for being so considerate,” Niall nods, scratching his chin. “Alright, I’ll tell you what I know, but please also let him tell you if he decides to share it with you.” You nod and turn all your attention to him. “I didn’t find this out until about two months after Maggie’s death, but apparently, the night she died they had a fight. Maggie had been nagging Harry to have another baby, but he wanted to wait a little longer, until Izzy is older so they don’t have two babies at the same time. Harry said they had another big fight about it, said some pretty nasty things to each other before Maggie just stormed out to go over to her sister’s. She made it there, but… never made it back home.”

A shiver runs down your spine at the thought of how devastating it must have been, losing your partner after an intense fight without ever making up.

“Understandably, Harry completely lost his shit. For weeks he was barely functioning and we all knew he was grieving, but we didn’t know that he was blaming himself for what happened. When he wasn’t getting any better we somehow convinced him to go to therapy which luckily helped him immensely, but he stopped going a while ago. I thought he got things straight in his head about this whole Maggie situation, but I guess he is still hung up on that.”

“What about the drinking, did that happen a lot?”

“Not that I know of. I mean, yeah, he got wasted quite a few times, but only at the beginning. I don’t think you should be afraid that he might turn into an alcoholic. I think he is just really struggling right now because of the conflict he is having because of you.”

“Because of me?”

“Yeah, he is clearly very confused about his feelings for you and he has convinced himself he shouldn’t feel this way towards anyone ever, but then you came,” he chuckles softly giving you a knowing look.

“Niall, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do,” you breathe out, worry and fear slowly taking over your judgment.

“First and foremost just… be patient with him, okay? This is genuinely the first time he has taken an interest in anyone since Maggie and I think he has already taken some big steps, which is a good sign. Try to talk to him and be open, but don’t push him. I know it can be really annoying when he keeps things, but let him tell you everything at his own pace.”

You nod, understanding the importance of not rushing Harry into anything. Just because you want to get over the awkwardness of the current situation, you can’t push him over his own boundaries.

“Okay, I’ll try to do that,” you nod taking a deep breath. “Thank you, Niall.”

“Oh, and don’t let him give you the ‘you work for me, we shouldn’t be doing this’ bullshit alright? He’ll try to make it out to be some kind of business, but it’s not. He needs to get himself out there and I genuinely think you’re the right person to help him with that.”

His words touch you and you’re not even sure how to react. Niall is clearly someone who stands close to Harry and if he thinks that you and him should give it a try, that must mean something. You can only hope that Harry will come around and think the same at one point.

Izzy gets a little fussy by the end of the day and it takes a lot of persuading to get her to bed in the evening. Harry arrived back home on his usual time and because it’s been such a hot day outside, he took her out to the pool. The problem with that is that Izzy never wants to get out of the water, so when Harry said it’s time for dinner she threw a bit of a tantrum as Harry brought her inside and her mood didn’t get any better later either.

You spent most of your night in the living room just watching TV and working on your laptop, updating your schedule for the upcoming weeks and doing some editing. Harry stays upstairs with Izzy for a long time when her bedtime comes and you figure she is still a little moody, but then you eventually hear his footsteps approaching. Harry pads his way into the living room and joins you on the couch. When you glance over at him you know he is trying to find a way to start the conversation you both know you need to have, so you put your laptop aside and turn your attention towards him.

“Y/N, I’m really sorry about last night. I’m honestly so terribly ashamed you had to… see me like that,” he starts, clearly nervous to bring it all up.

“It’s fine, happens to everyone,” you assure him and it’s the genuine truth.

“It’s not a regular occurrence, really. I usually know my limits and try to stay within them. I’m really sorry for making you uncomfortable.”

“Harry, don’t worry about it,” you tell him again with a warm smile. “We can get past it. I think what we really should talk about is… what you said. Do you remember what we talked about?” you carefully ask.

“I do…” he nods, awkward diverting his eyes away from you. “I’m sorry I told you all that in that state, I didn’t… I didn’t mean to just pour it all on you so suddenly.”

“It’s alright.” “No, it’s not,” he protests shaking his head. “I dropped a bomb on you because I couldn’t deal with my own problems the right way, and it’s not okay. So please, just… accept my apology.”

“Okay, I accept it,” you nod.

“And about the whole thing with… What I told you about Maggie…”

“Just know that you don’t have to talk about it now if you don’t want to. I’m happy to listen whenever you are ready to, but I’m not trying to push you.”

“I know and thank you for that, but I feel like… I owe you an explanation,” he admits and you nod, happy that he is willing to talk instead of closing himself off entirely. “The day Maggie died, we got into this huge fight and she ran off to her sister. It was… a whole mess, we both said things we clearly didn’t mean and I texted her, tried to get her to come home so we could talk things out. That’s when… she was on her way home when it happened and… I still feel like it was my fault.” His voice dies down at the end, just like it did last night when he was talking about her. It clearly left a deep scar on him that’s still not entirely healed and you can’t blame him.

“Everyone keeps telling me that it wasn’t, that it was just all one big coincidence, but all I can think about is that she would still be here if we didn’t get into the fight and I didn’t piss her off so much she felt the need to leave.”

“There was no way for you to see what would happen, Harry. It’s not like you did it on purpose, you had no power over the drunk driver or where Maggie chose to drive home. It really was a coincidence.”

“I know, I mean… I understand, but somehow, my mind keeps telling me that it was my fault.”

“Have you thought about… getting professional help?” you ask, trying to be polite and cautious on the topic.

“Actually, I just called my therapist today to see if… she can fit me in for some sessions,” he admits and you’re surprised at how great he is dealing with the matter. “I feel like I might need some guidance again, before things get out of my hands.”

“That’s great! It really is good to go a bit ahead of problems.”

“Yeah. About us…” he exhales nervously, his eyes meeting yours and you can tell this is the part that’s got him the most anxious. You take this as your queue to take over the conversation.

“Harry, I’m going to be honest with you,” you start and he nods, chewing on his bottom lip. “I… I have feelings for you. You haven’t been the only one making realizations,” you add with a soft chuckle, that brings a smile to his lips as well. “I know that the situation is not quite ideal, but it’s not impossible. But I just want you to be honest with me, do you have feelings for me?”

The conflict is clearer than daylight in his eyes as he is trying to figure out what to say and you really hope he isn’t gonna try to mask his feelings.

“I do,” he then admits and it’s like a giant rock has been lifted off your chest and shoulders. “It’s just… I’m not sure how to deal with it.”

“That’s alright,” you tell him. “Let’s just… take it slow. We’re not in a rush, we obviously have a lot to figure out and that’s completely fine. The pace is completely up to you, I know that you need to get a lot of things straight in your head and I can wait, okay? I’m not going anywhere, I really like where we are now and… I just hope that we can move this forward whenever you feel comfortable with it.”

Harry stares back at you for a moment like you’re some alien creature. Like what you just said wasn’t normal or even human and that’s quite heartbreaking, because somewhere along the way he managed to convince himself that he is not worthy of the most basic decency.

“I-I can’t ask you to wait around while I figure my shit out, that’s not—“

“You’re not asking me, Harry,” you smile at him softly. “This is my decision.”

His eyes are shifting between yours and he is most likely looking for any sign of doubt or qualm, but there’s none, you genuinely meant everything you said.

“So, where does this leave us?” he then asks and you shrug your shoulders.

“Everything goes on like it used to and… whenever you are ready to take a step, just… let me know.”

You can tell he is filled with questions, but he just nods with a weak smile and leaves it at that. This will be a bumpy ride, but at least you are more or less on the same page now.

You haven’t been a big fan of birthday celebrations. You just never understood the big fuss about it, throwing a party for surviving another year? Seems a little weird. This is why you never treated this day any different.

The morning starts off as usual, only that you wake up to a few texts from friends and family, wishing you a happy birthday. Your mom has sent you a whole damn paragraph about how you made her life complete and it wouldn’t be the same without you in it. She does that every time, gets a little too sentimental about it, but you guess it’s because it reminds her of getting old herself as well, which is a sensitive topic in her book these days.

It’s a Sunday, so a day off for you. Coming downstairs you find Izzy and Harry sitting at the dining table, already having their breakfast as usual, but when she sees you, she jumps in her seat in excitement.

“Good morning, Y/N!” she beams with a wide smile, buzzing more than she usually does.

“Morning, Sunshine. Slept well?” you ask as you pour yourself some cereal and join them at the table. Izzy nods and then peeks at her father as if she is trying to hide something with him from you.

“Daddy, can we do it now?” she asks in a whisper, but it’s not quiet enough for you to not hear it.

Your eyes lock with Harry’s over the table and the butterflies in your stomach start dancing around right away when you see the tiny smirk tugging on his lips.

It’s been almost an entire week since your conversation with him and things finally seem to get in place for now. Harry had his first session with his therapist on Wednesday and though you can tell he is still trying to find his own boundaries, he doesn’t worry as much about the situation as he probably did before. He isn’t walking on eggshells around you, unsure how to act. More or less it’s the same as it was before the kiss, but there are tiny little things that still make it different. Stolen glances, lingering touches and sweet smiles are making your days more colorful now and it’s gotten you all giddy and… happy.

“What are you two plotting, huh?” you ask, pointing at them with your spoon before digging into the cereal. Izzy glances at Harry one last time and when he nods shortly, she turns to you and throws her arms in the air.

“Happy birthday, Y/N!” she cheers as Harry reaches over to the chair next to him and pulls up a box from under the table, handing it over to Izzy so she could give it to you. “This is for you!”

“You shouldn’t have gotten me anything!” you gasp, truly surprised by the gift. You were not expecting it at all.

“It’s not a birthday without gifts!” she giggles excitedly as she hands the box over. You push your cereal bowl to the side and set the gift to the table in front of you. “Open it!” she urges you, her little hands curled into fists as she watches your every move, as if it was her who just got a present.

Your eyes meet Harry’s green ones over the table once more and he is watching you with a small smile, probably enjoying that he could surprise you.

You pull on the bow on the top and then carefully take the wrapping paper off until the box is revealed underneath and you gas as soon as you realize what this is.

“Oh my God!” you breathe out in disbelief as you take a better look at the gift. Harry didn’t just get you something, he actually listened to what you were saying and remembered that you’re a big fan of oldschool cameras and you have a special love for polaroids. And now, in front of you in the box is your very own polaroid camera, something you’ve been really wanting to buy for yourself for a long time, but you just never got around to actually do it.

“Do you like it? Daddy said you’d really like it!” Izzy asks with big eyes, watching your reaction.

“Oh, I love it!” you breathe out, feeling all mushy and melted from the gesture. Izzy climbs over to your lap, hugging your neck. You wrap your arms around her in a bone crushing hug and you’re so thankful for having them both in your life.

Izzy sits on your lap as you get the camera out of the box and figure out how to work it. She then hops off your lap and poses for the first ever picture taken with your new favorite camera.

“But it’s blank!” she furrows her eyebrows when the photo comes out.

“Because you have to wait for it to develop. It’ll show up in a few minutes,” you smile, setting the photo down on the table.

Izzy sits in her seat, excitedly waiting for the photo to develop and in the meanwhile you join Harry in the kitchen where he is washing the dishes. He spots you and turns the tap off, turning to face you as he dries his hands off.

“You shouldn’t have gotten me anything,” you tell him softly, but really feel touched by the gesture.

“No, but I wanted to. Do you really like it?”

“I love it!” you chuckle in disbelief. How could he think you wouldn’t like it?!

You move forward, aiming for a hug out of instinct but then stop yourself, not wanting to cross any boundaries, but Harry notices the motion and for your surprise, he wraps you in a warm hug on his own. You melt against his hard chest, your nose buried into his shoulder as your arms circle around his waist.

When you lean back, you both keep your arms around each other, eyes meeting and you realize just how close you are to each other. Without even knowing, your gaze flickers down to his lips and you’re dying to kiss him, to feel them again, but you don’t move, wanting to keep your word about letting him set the pace.

But what you didn’t expect is Harry leaning down and capturing your lips in a sweet, innocent kiss. It’s so different from the last time, that was a hot mess, but this one… this is light as a feather but still makes your stomach somersault as you taste his lips, cupping his face in your hands.

“Daddy! I’m thirsty!” Izzy calls out from outside and it kind of ends the moment. Harry pulls back and when you look at him you see that his eyes are still closed. They flutter open a moment later, finding your gaze and you look for any kind of regret or fear in them, but they are nothing but shiny.

“Just a moment, baby!” he answers her, a small smile tugging on his lips as he leans down and pecks the corner of your mouth again before his hands fall from your waist. “Happy birthday, Y/N,” he breathes out before grabbing a bottled water and heading back to Izzy.

You bring your fingertips to your tingling lips as you take a moment to really process what just happened and you can’t push down the smile that spreads across your face. Harry finally took the first step and now you can’t wait to see what’s coming next.

Thank you for reading, please like and reblog if you enjoyed it!

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[idy-ll-ique]

Voices.

Pairing: Chris Evans x F!Reader

Genre: nothing but floofy-floof

Warnings: none

Requested: nope

Summary: in which you can hear the voice of your soulmate in your head and Y/N's soulmate is someone really special— her celebrity crush.

Author's Note: Hiya peeps! do y'all know how long ago I wrote this fic, like— at least 2 years ago. damn. so in advance, im sorry if there are any grammatical mistakes or bad punctuation in the fic that I forgot to correct (apology for bad english 😌)

oh and

bold/italics - chris

only italics - y/n

---

Hey, you still there?

Y/N snapped out of a trance and focused on the voice. Yeah, yeah I'm still there, she thought to herself. She was hearing the voice of her soulmate, or rather, was speaking to him, telepathically. The thing is, you could hear the voice of your soulmate in your head. You could talk, hold conversations, but the only thing was that you couldn't ask for their name.

You had to guess. Most of the people made plans, like let's meet here or there and concentrate hard enough, I'll see your name written on a paper. It was a thing, I mean, if you concentrated hard enough, you could see what your soulmate was doing. It was like a cheat code of sorts. Most of them found their soulmate in that way.

You see, Y/N loved surprises, so she wasn't going to find her soulmate just yet. Y/N wanted to figure it out for herself. Your soulmate couldn't hear every single one of your thoughts, though (which was how she had zoned out mid-conversation). Listen, we should meet up sometime.

Aw, already? she thought with a pout on her lips. Yes, I'm very excited to meet you, I've been waiting for too long, the voice replied, chuckling. It was a manly voice, really deep and raspy. She loved it. When Y/N was small, about 4-5 years old, all she could hear were swear words and dirty thoughts; characteristics of a teenage boy.

From that, she inferred, that soulmate was much older than her, about 8-9 years older than her. She didn't mind, She was kind of into older guys anyway… But I like this game we have! Why do you want to ruin it? she asked, shaking her head. Alright, sweetheart, just for you, I'm holding back. But I don't have much patience, the voice laughed. Y/N smiled.

Without even meeting her, Chris loved the voice in his head. She sounded so sweet and welcoming, maybe she was younger than him. He couldn't wait to meet her. Chris had tried to plan their meeting for so long now, but she just wouldn't give in. She was also a feisty one. He smiled to himself as he walked down the street, engaged in thoughts about his soulmate.

In his haste, he accidentally bumped into someone. "I'm so sorry!" he blurted out, instead hearing a soft ouch, shit in his head. His brows furrowed. The lady he had bumped into just kept on walking. Are you alright? he asked his soulmate in his mind. Yeah, just bumped into someone while walking.

I bumped into someone just now too! he told her excitedly, still staring at the lady who had now stopped in her tracks. She turned around, scanning the crowd. Then she looked at him, but maybe she didn't realize that she had bumped into him. Holy shit, I see— Then it all went blank. See what? Chris questioned desperately.

He still wasn't sure whether the woman he had just bumped into was his soulmate or not.

Why can't I say the name of the guy who played the role of Captain America?

Chris froze and stared at the lady, jaw dropped. She was lost in her thoughts, confused. He slowly walked to her and stood in front of her; she stared back at him, her heart racing. This was her celebrity crush, who was currently looking at her as if she hung the moon. But why? Why was he looking at her like that?

"You can't say his name because that's me, you technically can't say his name because you aren't allowed to," Chris whispered to her, smiling softly. Her eyes widened.

"You! You're the voice I hear in my mind! Chris freaking Evans is my soulmate?! How did I not realize?!" The woman exclaimed, shocked. Soon though, she got a wide smile on her face. His eyes widened too, hers was the voice he heard as well! "What's your name?" he asked her as they hugged. "I'm Y/N Y/L/N," she replied, smiling.

"Wanna join me for a coffee?" he offered, holding his hand out. She put her palm on top of his and nodded. Both of them entered a nearby coffee shop. "So, what do you do?" he asked her after ordering two coffees. "Nothing. I'm unemployed right now, just got out of my last job. I gave an interview yesterday at Ralph Lauren, just waiting for a call back," she shrugged.

"Oh, into fashion?" he asked her, smiling. "Yeah, got my degree and all. Just needed a job, Ralph Lauren offers a good amount of money," she chuckled. Chris smiled again. "Reminds me of Rachel Green." She laughed more, which warmed his heart. Her laugh was adorable. Suddenly, her phone rang and she looked at him, wide-eyed.

He nodded dismissively and she picked up the call. She spoke for a while and when she ended the call, she had the biggest smile on her face.

"I got the job at Ralph Lauren, I'm starting tomorrow!" Y/N squealed. They couldn't have picked a better timing. "Congratulations, Y/N!" he told her, grinning. After spending some more time at the cafe, they parted ways. She went home while he went back to the sets where they were filming Avengers: Age of Ultron.

"Hi Chris, you were out for a long time, what's up?" Chris Hemsworth asked, smiling at Chris Evans as they stumbled upon each other. "Nothing, just met my soulmate, had a cup of coffee with her." The older Chris feigned nonchalance. "You what?! That's awesome, man! So, how is she, what does she do?" Hemsworth asked him excitedly as both of them walked inside.

Robert and Scarlett were there, talking. "She's so beautiful, I stopped functioning when I saw her. She works at Ralph Lauren, she's a fashion designer," Chris told him with a smile. Robert and Scarlett looked up. "Who?" Scarlett questioned. "Y/N," he said simply, sitting beside Robert. "Who's that?" Robert inquired. "My soulmate." Chris smiled, as if in a trance.

"Boy, you look like you're in love," Scarlett laughed. "Because I am, she's that beautiful," he told her adamantly. "Whoa, did you ask her out?" Robert snorted. "I'm back from our first date." We had our first date right now, didn't we? he asked her in his mind.

Of course we did, I loved it. Hope to meet you again soon, her voice replied and he could practically feel her smile.

Sure, I'm in town for a few more months, I'll mind-text you as to when I'm free, he told her, sporting a smile on his face. She outright laughed in the comfort of her own home. Mind-text? Sounds fun, she agreed and focused on the Netflix series she was watching, turning off the "magical telepathic link" between them.

Chris, too, focused on the others only to see them smiling at him. "Talking to her?" He nodded at Scarlett. A few minutes later, all of them went to another room to begin with the shooting of a new scene.

---

Y/N danced as she prepared dinner, singing along to You Don't Know Me by Jax Jones. It had been a month since she last saw Chris. He had promised her a date, but he didn't get time. She couldn't blame him, he was a busy man. Y/N was shouting the lyrics of the song in her head, unaware of the fact that Chris was snooping in on her mind.

Hey, calm down, she heard Chris chuckling in her mind and shrieked in real life. What are you— are you snooping on my mind? Chris! she thought, scandalized. He laughed more. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I wanted to ask you out. Are you free right now? We could meet in the same coffee shop, he asked. She grinned and nodded to herself. Of course, I'll be there in 15.

She quickly got dressed, wearing a pair of track pants and a t-shirt (like she was wearing on their first date). She didn't bother with her hair or makeup, it looked good anyway, she just bolted out of the house. Y/N entered the coffee shop to see Chris already sitting there, wearing a suit. She cursed herself mentally, making Chris look up.

He stifled a laugh. She went and sat in front of him.

"I'm so sorry I look like a single mother of two kids who hasn't slept in a year," she moaned, "I didn't know you were gonna show up in a suit." She facepalmed for good measure. "It's quite alright, you look beautiful. I wouldn't have you any other way, I should say. I'm coming back from a party right now, therefore the suit."

She blushed softly at his compliment. He ordered two coffees for them and they started talking. "So, how's your job at Ralph Lauren?" Chris asked, smiling at her. "It's amazing, I got promoted. Now I'm the head of the department, with my own office and all," she told him, smiling back. "That's great! Oh, congratulations, honey," he grinned.

"Thanks," she muttered, blushing slightly when he called her a nickname. "You look cute while blushing, has anyone ever told you that?" Chris winked as their coffees arrived. "No one, ever. I don't interact with people much, it's a tedious job," she half-joked, smiling.

"Really! So who are the people you talk to?" he joined in. "Well, there's my assistant, my mother, my bro and you. That's all. I've got some friends, but I rarely talk to them, only on the phone while texting, that is," she shrugged. "Nice, nice," he nodded as they finished their coffees. "Allow me to drop you home," Chris offered, taking out a key which she found out was for his bike as they left the café.

"No it's alright, I'll go," she refused immediately. "Nonsense, you're practically my girlfriend! I'm going with ya," he shook his head. They looked like an odd couple; one wearing a suit while the other looked like she had just woken up. Surprisingly enough, the one who looked like she just woken up had the best fashion sense among them. "Hop on," Chris grinned.

She sat down behind him, wrapping her arms around his waist. Both of them chatted for the 2 minutes that took them to get to Y/N's home. Once they reached her building, she got down from Chris's bike and turned to him.

"Thanks, Chris, this has been an amazing second date. Can't wait for the third," she told him with a smile. "Me too," he smiled back. A few seconds later, she turned to leave but Chris suddenly grabbed her hand, turning her around. "Wha—" She didn't get to finish her sentence as Chris pressed his lips to hers. She kissed back, wrapping her arms around his neck.

"I just had to, sweetheart," he panted as they pulled away from each other, breathless. "Wow," she breathed out as Chris rested his forehead against hers. "So, um, see you on the third date, yeah?" Y/N giggled as they stepped away from one another, smiling. "I'll make it as quick as possible. Can't stay away from you, darling," he winked.

"How flattering," she winked back and turned to leave, purposely adding a sway to her hips knowing that he was watching. And fuck, was he watching. "Oh, the things you do to me, my dear Y/N."

"I heard that!"

"Good!"

---

A/N: Thanks for reading, leave a like if you enjoyed!

[xxhentaibootytomhardyblowme]

CW Gravity Falls: Season Three

1. “Into the Bunker”

Three weeks after they return from the past, Dipper is still struggling with the loss of Sue, and tells Mabel he can’t be around Soos anymore because he reminds Dipper of her. While exploring the woods, Dipper finds an abandoned bunker filled with magical artifacts and drawings, along with photos of a man who looks like Stan and the grey-haired woman. A shapeshifter pretends to be Sue, and Dipper apologizes for breaking up with her, telling her it was “the only way to escape the nightmare.” The creature then tries to eat Dipper, but he kills it and cries over its dead body. Later, he asks Stan about his twin and the woman, but Stan storms off. Later, we see him in the basement rebuilding the portal.

2. “The Walking Dead”

Using a magic spell he finds in his spellbook, Dipper attempts to resurrect Sue. However, since she is not dead but erased from time, the spell brings the town’s dead to life instead. Dipper, Mabel, and Soos hide on the roof of the Mystery House, and Dipper realizes he has feelings for Soos.

3. “Golf or Death”

Gideon’s sister Candy and Mabel have a golf-off, but Candy cheats by using her telekinesis. To get her back, Mabel enlists Dipper’s help, but his spell goes wrong and all three of them are turned into anthropomorphic golf balls. Meanwhile, two government agents arrive in Gravity Falls to investigate Stan.

4. “Soos and the Real Girl”

Soos attempts to use Dipper’s spellbook, but it goes wrong and creates a ghostly version of Sue. However, Dipper is frozen in time and cannot move. Soos and Sue bond while attempting to free him. Eventually, they realize that they both care deeply for Dipper, and that Sue’s ghost must be banished in order to return Dipper to normal. After the spell is complete, Soos comforts a heartbroken Dipper, and they kiss. In a post credits scene, Bill is seen alive in another dimension holding Ford and the grey-haired woman hostage.

5. “The Blind Eye”

Mabel, Soos, and Dipper discover a mind-erasing gun in Stan’s possession, and attempt to find out where it came from. They eventually learn it was made by Old Man McGucket, who has been mind-wiping people for Stan so they don’t remember Ford or the mysterious woman. Dipper finds a way to reverse the memory loss McGucket suffered, and he recognizes Soos as his son. However, he still does not remember who Ford or the woman are, or why Stan wanted them erased from the town’s memories.

6. “Time Bandits”

Dipper decides to try to change the past, feeling guilty about all the damage his magic has done. He travels back to Season 1 to warn that Dipper about Wendy, but is unsuccessful. When he returns, he is confronted by the Time Baby, who throws him into the Time Arena. Hundreds of alternate-universe Dippers fight to the death, and the one survivor, covered in blood, returns home. However, it is revealed that this is not our Dipper but one from a different universe.

7. “Cupid’s Arrow”

The new Dipper uses his powers to create a love potion, which he uses on Soos. However, some of it spills into Mabel’s coffee, and she falls in love with Soos. Meanwhile, Stan’s gig as a hot air balloon pilot goes horribly wrong, and he crashes into a local music festival. Mabel and Alt!Dipper fight over Soos, and Alt!Dipper is about to cast a spell on her when Prime!Dipper appears and shoots Alt!Dipper with Stan’s shotgun. Outside, we see the government agents hear the shotgun blast.

8. “Not What He Seems”

The government agents arrest Dipper for murder, and he is thrown in jail. Meanwhile, Stan is almost done with the portal. He enlists the help of Mabel and Soos, and they manage to activate it as more agents storm the Mystery House. However, it quickly stops working. The agents shoot Stan in the leg, and Mabel protects him with her body as more shots are fired. Meanwhile, in jail, Dipper’s eyes begin to glow. He manages to use his magic without the aid of a spellbook, and explodes the jailhouse wall with his mind. He arrives on the scene at the Mystery House to find a dead Stan, Mabel, and Soos. Furious and filled with grief, he uses his powers to rip the government agents apart and resurrect the three dead. After being revived, Stan asks Dipper if he can open the portal with his mind. Dipper says he can, and it activates once more. Ford steps out, carrying the dead body of the grey-haired woman. Stan points his shotgun at his brother and pulls the trigger with rage in his eyes.

episode summaries for the first season of the CW live-action gravity falls reboot dropped!

1. “Tourist Trapped”

Mabel and Dipper, aged 17, arrive in Gravity Falls, Oregon, for the summer. Upon arrival, they witness their grandfather Stan burying a body behind his Mystery House. The body later returns as a zombie, revealed to be local teen Robbie, and attempts to seduce Mabel.

2. “Murder at the Lake”

Mabel questions Stan about why Robbie was killed, as he has lost his memories. Later, another body washes up at a nearby lake, revealed to be local prom queen Pacifica Northwest. The prime suspect is eccentric inventor Fiddleford McGucket, but Dipper suspects Stan’s involvement.

3. “Gleeful Greetings”

Mabel and Dipper encounter high school football star Gideon Gleeful, who is 6’4” with a full beard. His sister, Candy, has been manipulating his football games with telekinesis, and Dipper sets out to expose them both.

4. “Adventures in Babysitting”

Dipper is hired to babysit two bratty local kids who seem like uncanny younger versions of him and Mabel. While they get high on sugary snacks and go on a rampage, Dipper attempts to impress local girl Wendy by lying about his family, claiming not to be related to Stan. In a post credits scene, Stan buries another body.

5. “The Man-Bear”

A horrifying monster stalks the streets of Gravity Falls, kidnapping Dipper and Wendy and striking fear into the hearts of the townsfolk. After Mabel stumbles onto a mysterious crystal, she becomes a muscleman known as He-Mabel and defeats the Man-Bear with an axe. After being rescued, Dipper finds a mysterious journal in the bear’s cave and shares a kiss with Wendy.

6. “The Hunt for McGucket’s Gold”

Old Man McGucket has gone missing. After his disappearance, rumours spread that he left behind a massive pile of gold bars somewhere in the town. Dipper, Wendy, and Robbie break into the town museum to find it, while Mabel flirts with Gideon.

7. “Time After Time”

Dipper encounters an older version of himself from the future, who warns him not to get involved with Wendy. At a local fair, Mabel and Gideon grow closer, and he wins her a pet pig named Waddles at a carnival game. At the end of the episode, we see Dipper alone in the darkened Mystery House being chased by a shadowy figure.

8. “Headhunters”

The mysterious figure is revealed to be Wendy, wielding an axe. She kills Stan by decapitating him, and Dipper narrowly escapes. He attempts to tell people about what happened but no one believes him. At Stan’s funeral, Mabel gives a moving eulogy. After the service, Wendy chases Dipper and Mabel into the basement of the Mystery House, where they accidentally activate a mysterious portal. Stan appears, and kills Wendy with a sawed-off shotgun. He explains that Wendy is his daughter, and that he was covering up her crimes to protect himself. He faked his death so he could finally kill her. After the credits, the portal activates again, and a strange man in a yellow suit and top hat appears.

[rosesxpoetry]

Okay, so, about Riverdale: I’d like to talk about the plot lines the writers absolutely and utterly fucked this season:

- TBK (up until the last few minutes of last night’s episode I was convinced they were gonna forget about it and let it go)

- The mothman lights (I mean they did “explain” in a very Riverdale-ish way the legend of the mothmen but what about the lights Pop’s, Jughead, etc, saw? - there is literally no explanation for that)

- J*bitha (I don’t hate them, and I’d even find them remotely cute had they had any development, but where is it really? Where is the chemistry, the story? Nowhere.)

- Bughead - so like 5 episodes ago Jughead was hallucinating Betty all over him, talking about his unforgettable beautiful ex girlfriend on AA therapy and remembering her saving him from the underground etc etc and that’s all just gone now? Don’t think so. They even had that scene where he apologized for the voicemail and all and she seemed ready to open up to him but just…left instead? Absolutely no sense.

- B*archie - I’m not against it, I just don’t understand (or like) it. It’s like so obvious they are each other’s rebounds?!! How can Betty not see that they only get a shot every time Veronica is out of the picture (or being cheated on..)? I think Lili and KJ obviously have a good relationship and it shows, but I just don’t feel the romantic chemistry vibe. I think that building two strong relationships (Varchie and Bughead) to just forget about them this season to throw in some new, undeveloped and senseless couples is just pure stupidity and cluelessness about who the real audiences this show still has are. Also what the f***, did they explode? Lol. Wtf!!!???

- Hiram - he is such a pain in the ass. Getting him exiled or killed or whatever now is SO ridiculous, I mean he tried to kill Archie for over 7 years and nothing ever happens to him, he blows up a prison, a drug business etc and he is still breathing. Him lasting 4/5 seasons is honestly one the most unrealistic things Riverdale has. And also, is he really dead? Did he kill Archie and Betty? What the hell is wrong with him? Can’t he take a hint? Just leave.

- Cheryl: I give up trying to understand and feel empathy for this woman. She is plainly nuts. There is literally no more to it: she is crazy and absolutely deranged. Additionally, her storylines are just so fucking bizarre, it seems it’s a completely different show. Like Veronica is building casinos, Archie is a fireman and she is a witch? Wtf.

- Toni and Fangs: not against it, it just doesn’t make sense. I do know coparenting may lead to some feelings surfacing but they were friends their whole lives, they had numerous chances and yet???!! Never happened. Does it make sense now? No. What about Kevin? Or even moose? AND CHERYL WHO SERIOUSLY NEEDS TONI BACK? Idk man, it’s just painful at this point.

I’m sure there are a hundred more ideas and messed up parts to add to this extensive list of thoughtless plot lines. If you have any, let me know so I can add it. But for now this is it.

Disclaimer: I miss my Bughead a lot. I also miss Choni and Cheryl being tolerably crazy. Also I like Veggie.

[paceypeternathanslawyer]

Here I go again, going on my soap box about a show that ended decades ago and has almost no tumblr fandom presence. I just hope that at least one person will see this and get a catharsis because it sure is a catharsis to write it. Today I feel compelled to get my feelings about Myra Monkhouse in Family Matters out. I feel like I see way too many people say that they find her relatable and say stuff like "Myra is so me!" I really need people to strive for better. Do not strive to be that crazy fucking psycho. Strive to be a Laura. I've also seen a few people assert that Laura is the toxic one in the Laura/Steve/Myra triangle which is patently false. Most of the time Laura just minded her own business and didn't have romantic feelings for Steve, and Myra went haywire on her for even looking at Steve. And then you have the people who claim that they only made Myra crazy in S9 which this is the assertion I would really like to hone into today. Myra was always crazy. Sometimes early on she was straight up crazy but the red flags were ALWAYS there.

🚩 #1 The fact that Myra agreed to be in a relationship with Steve in the first place was a red flag. Steve was extremely open from the start with what the terms of their relationship was. He straight up told her that he would go steady with her but the second that Laura showed any indication that she was into him then he would leave Myra. Myra knew this and agreed to date Steve under those terms. And it would be different if after that Myra was chill with Steve/Laura but she wasn't... she acted with extreme and scary jealousy at all turns which tells me that Myra went into that relationship manipulatively. She went in thinking that she could change Steve like "he's in love with her now but after dating me for awhile I can change his mind" which is such a toxic thing to do.

🚩 #2 Early in Steve and Myra's relationship Myra straight up spied on Steve outside his bedroom window and sketched him in the nude. Yes she did apologize but words are cheap when they are not accompanied by real change in character and Myra never changed. In S9, she's still spying on Steve.

🚩 #3 I mean just watch the way Steve and Myra kiss. 95% of their kisses are Myra forcing herself on Steve. Like i'm saying that he's trying to get away from her and she is physically trying to hold him down and force a kiss on him. How is that relationship attractive to some people. Reverse the roles... if it were a man doing that to a woman then it would rightfully be treated as sexual assault and it is sexual assault on Steve by Myra. And it's so clear that Steve is reluctant to be physical with Myra because his heart is not completely in that relationship and he wants to be with Laura. Myra just stalked him and pushed him into a "relationship."

🚩 #4 Early on before they were going steady and Steve was still trying to avoid Myra... Myra switched schools to be near Steve. It's super weird especially since Steve was clearly trying to avoid her at that time.

All these red flags lead to the person we see in S9. Behaviour does tend to escalate as you get older and that's what we are seeing with Myra. She was always creepy and never respected Steve's boundaries and then in S9 she escalated her own behavior to psycho levels because she officially lost Steve to Laura.

🚩 In s9, she spends the entire time conniving to destroy Steve and Laura's relationship. She tries to get Steve to cheat on Laura with her. She uses Stefan to try and break up Steve and Laura.

🚩 Myra puts a camera in Steve's glasses and then spies on him for 2 months. Her room is so indicative of what a creep she is. The blanket on her bed is just a huge picture of Steve, her wallpaper is just pictures of Steve. She has a TV screen on her wall where she just looks at the feed of her glasses camera and spies on Steve in the process.

🚩 On Steve and Laura's first date, Myra crashed it dressed EXACTLY like Laura and i'm talking about everything from her lipstick to her hair to her clothes. And then Myra straight up admits she did it because Steve loves Laura and maybe if she looks like Laura then Steve will love her. Myra then gives Laura her watch as a "gesture of burying the hatchet," Myra walks out and immediately flags down a police officer and proceeds to accuse her of stealing the watch. All this to get Laura arrested and destroy Steve and Laura's date.

I wish that Steve had broken up with Myra sooner but it makes sense that he would cling to Myra. Steve is not used to anyone loving him that much so he takes it even if it's weirdly obsessive attention. His parents hate him/abuse him, his classmates hate him, Carl is mean to him, Eddie's a bad friend to him most of the time. Laura is the only one who goes to bat for him and is a friend. And then Myra comes along and is the first person to have romantic feelings. I'm not a therapist so i'm not gonna go too far into this but with Steve's childhood it makes perfect sense that he put up with Myra's bullshit for as long as he did.

[thewolfmanny]

let me be clear about something as someone who does not like eric or eric ships

it's not him fucking up CAELUS that makes me dislike him. it's how he treats rachel even when you pick the 'good' options.

i don't consider what rachel did as cheating. if you pay attention to their dialogue and explore the different options, you'll learn that after the accident, they drifted apart. eric poured his attention into CAELUS, blamed rachel for the accident (which is unfair imo also don't put your fucking feet on the dashboard--there are so many documented cases of people fucking up their legs in car crashes that way), pulled away from her, and then comes back a year later to take over her operation and expect things to be fine again.

they aren't legally divorced, but they WERE separated for a YEAR for all intents and purposes. if you get the cut scene with nick and rachel meeting for the first time, you get the tail end of a phone convo she has with eric that gets heated with her implying eric said some meanspirited shit to her. that doesn't sound like the type of guy i would take back with open arms and this is AT camp slayer which means that phone call happened within the last few weeks before the game (and post-checkpoint for nick, another timeline clue).

so, 1) he pulls away after the accident after blaming her for it 2) leaves to focus on work for a year while she tries to move on by focusing on HER career 3) comes back to take over her program and 4) acts like everything is normal when he comes back.

and look, everything he says after that--the simping as we all like to joke about--is typical nice guy bullshit. i have seen this so many times where guys act like they didn't do anything wrong and expect the woman to just get over it and come back to them with apologies and unconditional love. it's manipulative, it's toxic, it's unhealthy.

i did a co-op playthru recently where eric simped while rachel told him to back off, she moved on. later, when he was being choked by the ancient one, she came back to save him, but i fucked up a qte. you know what eric did? he booked it while rachel got infected by a vampire. later on in the game, he didn't try to save her and then ghost signaled nick. when jason wants to go back to save salim, eric tells him salim isn't one of them despite everything they had been through together.

that's so beyond petty, i can't even find a way to spin that into a good thing.

oftentimes i ignore stuff about eric. i just move on. maybe it was just all bad writing; i mean the whole love triangle and nick's storyline being conflated with that when he had a more interesting character arc with the checkpoint is bad writing, period. however, i don't like implications that people are wrong for disliking a character or have stupid reasons for it lmao. my reasons are shaped by real world interactions with men like this and i ain't apologizing for that. he's a shitty average looking white blond guy that is often excused for his shitty behavior and often gets put over nick (and nevermind the treatment rachel gets) and that rubs me in all the wrong ways.

if eric is your favorite character, that's cool. i'll respect that and leave you alone, but i gotta say my piece about it since ive been seeing one too many posts writing off people for not liking him.

[the-lazyyy-artist]

Soulmates and Everything in Between

A/N: Hey! Here is now my two centavos for the Trese/Kambal fandom. I offer to you a Basilio x Fem!Reader fanfic... you can also consider it a Maliksi x Fem!Reader bc it has some parts with Mal. Also, what a title, emerite. It’s loosely based on this song:

https://open.spotify.com/track/4jq5J39hJ28RmDhNp1QkYk?si=1bff151aeec64129

(I had to put a link bc how do u insert a like... song from spotify???)

It was an idea I had overnight so... enjoy!

~~~

You were never one to believe in love, not after breaking up with your boyfriend for 4 years; you caught him cheating on you for 6 months. Basilio was the one who believed in love, despite the destiny that his mother had and that his dad was a killing machine. He still believed that there’s this good kind of love. It has been a year since you two met at The Diabolical, after Maliksi practically pulled you out of your bed so that you can finally hang out with him and the wind girls after two months of moping in your apartment. It was a good time, being able to debate with Basilio that night about love after just an hour of meeting each other in the bar.

 “You know, Basilio,” you said, alcohol streaming through your blood, “love is just a social concept that was made up to trick people to fuck and produce more people. That’s why this country is overpopulated.” Basilio laughed. The others just listened and hummed in agreement. “It’s not just a social concept, Y/N. It’s Bathala’s way of leading people to their other half, their soulmate. He knows that we cannot live alone, so he created other halves for each one of us.” You scoffed and had another drink of your beer. “Really? If so, then why are there womanizers? Cheaters? If that’s Bathala’s way for us to find our so-called other halves, then no one should be cheating. Soulmate my ass, it was never real in the first place. Whoever wrote that must’ve been whack.”

 “Girl,” Amie said, rubbing circles on your back, “kalma ka lang. Let’s just enjoy this night, shall we? No more debating about love.”

 The next day, despite the hangover you had, you were sobered up to the texts you received from an unknown number and a friend request on your socials. It was Basilio. You groaned. “What does he want this time?” On his texts, he apologized about the debate and that he got your number from Maliksi. Good ol’ Maliksi, playing cupid all over again.

 Since that day, Basilio has been bombarding you with texts messages, asking how you were, how was work, or anything in general. It was annoying, honestly, since that you obviously got a feeling that he likes you. You scoffed at that thought. “No way. If he thought he’d win my heart, keep dreaming na lang.” Then, in a few months, it was no longer just texts. He started coming over with Maliksi. He knows that you and Mal were bestfriends. He started bringing food, worse, even cooking in your own kitchen! He knew about your favorite dish, and he just smiled at you when this shocked you. “How?” You asked him as he was setting the table. He then tilted his head to Mal, who was already grinning at you. You just cursed under your breath.

 It was not long when it was just Basilio coming, still with food and movies and haranas. It made your heart flutter, in all honesty, but you tried not to fall in love again. You knew about the twins’ history with girls, how they would sometimes bed them. The thought made you shiver. Still, Basilio was persistent, and consistent. It even surprised you that he came with you on your grocery day at the public market, and he was wearing shorts and sando. He helped you carry your groceries, and put them all on the shelves in your kitchen. “Thanks, Basilio. It’s very nice of you to help me out today,” you said, smiling at him. “It’s nothing. I’d do everything for my girl.” That caught you off guard.

 And that was when you knew you got it bad.

 You were in love. You finally fell for him.

 You then started to shut him out. You started to make up excuses if Basilio wants to come over. This worried Basilio, and asked Maliksi about what happened. “This this isn’t new to me,” Mal answered, “she did that to me too after the break up.”

 “But this isn’t a break up,” Basilio said, a bit of panic in his voice. “It was always okay for her if I was coming over.” Maliksi gave him a pat on the shoulder. “Don’t worry, I’ll talk to her.”

 You were reading a book on your sofa when the front door opened. It was Maliksi. You trusted him enough for him to have the spare key of your apartment, in case something happened. “I guess you heard the news, huh.” You joked, and he chuckled. “Yes, bub, I did. What happened?” He asked as he sat beside you. You turned to him, and rested your head on his shoulder. “I’m scared, Mal,” you said, your voice quiet. “About what?”

 “Love.”

 Maliksi sighed and you finally faced him. “I understand that you’re scared of getting hurt again, but please don’t stop yourself from experiencing a new kind of love. It’s always good to try again,” he said as he took your hands. You just groaned and tears fell from your eyes. “He’s just too good to be true, Mal. He’s kind, and gentle. He knows what I want and he’s trustworthy, and he helps me with everything I do. He wants to be involved with my life and wants to do everything with me. He even went with me to the public market! No guy ever did that!” Mal chuckled and hugged you as you sobbed. “Then why are you scared if he’s doing all these amazing things?”

 “Because,” you said in between sobs, “what if he changes over time? What if he’ll get used to all of this and decides that it bores him?”

 “Are you gonna let your what if’s stop yourself from experiencing this wonderful kind of love?” He asked you. You just sighed. “Y/N, don’t ever be scared to love again, because it’s the only good thing in this horrible world we’re in. It’s the thing that Bathala gave us so that our souls will be at peace.” He was right, you thought. Ever since Basilio came, everything was beautiful, your soul was at peace. Maybe this is what Basilio was talking about months ago, about soulmates. Maybe he was yours.

 Days after, you asked Basilio to come over, and it overjoyed him. Maliksi told him about your fear, and it was enough for him to understand why you shut him out. When he arrived, you gave him a weak smile. He brought all your comfort food, street foods, to be exact. He prepared everything on the table before he sat beside you on the couch. “Hey, Y/N,” he said softly. You then hugged him. It felt like it was everything you needed. “I know you’re scared,” he said softly, as he enveloped you into his arms, “and I understand if you’re not ready. Nevertheless, I will still be here, because after I met you, and after all the time we spent, I knew that I love you. My soul is at peace when I’m with you.”

 You swore to yourself that you won’t cry, but you did, and he hugged you tighter. It was the best feeling in the world, to be at peace, to be with someone who understands you. You were then surprised that he played a song on his phone. He placed it on the couch and he stood up. The intro played, the very familiar guitar chords spilling through the speakers. He offered his hand to you, and said, “Care to dance, baby?” You laughed when he said ‘baby’, but you accepted. You gingerly placed your hands on his chest, and his hands rested on your waist. It was an odd song to dance to, but you figured that Basilio was the kind of guy to tell his feelings through a song, thus the endless haranas.

 The chorus of the song came up, and he sang along to it. It was everything he wanted to say. Basilio, the guy you just debated about love, is now the man you swore to be with until the end. A secret promise for now. After all, it’s what Bathala gave us; a partner to be with until the end.

[yourfavouriteprettyboy]

the lore in folklore

My analysis of folklore

So ig we all know about the folkore love triangle, still if u don't, here's a summary (bcs this post will be based on that)

There's a high school couple, James and Betty. James cheats on Betty with another girl over the summer, lets call her Augustine (cs the name isn't specified anywhere). Later, James apologizes to Betty by showing up at her party. She accepts the apology.

Now here comes the list of tracks and how I think they are all related to this (except a few)

1. the 1: I think this song is from Betty's POV, after she finds out that James is cheating, but before the party. Though lyrics like Roaring 20s suggest that this is after they complete high school (or that the song is completely unrelated lol).

2. cardigan: We know this song is from Betty's Pov, and I dont think I need to elaborate on that.

3. the last great american dynasty: Though this song is probably unrelated to the love triangle, I still have to include it so here are my thoughts on it. This may be a song from Augustine's POV, but after they all grow up. Ig she kind of was hated by everyone after everything bcs Betty was probably popular (since she is throwing a party, which is attended by her friends and probs many others). She grew old, but everyone still hated her.

4. exile: Now again this song doesn't clearly fit in the love triangle, but since Betty and James weren't really very good as a couple (since he cheated on her) they may have broken up a few years later, and this might be a song about that.

5. my tears ricochet: Again, this doesn't fit in well, not even after i force it. so we are just gonna leave it.

6. mirrorball: I consider this song from Augustine's POV, before the cheating stuff happened. She is still trying to desperately impress James, changing everything about herself just to fit in.

7. seven: I don't think this song is related to the love triangle, (but i think it has a relation to 'dorothea', which i'll be explaining in a future post.)

8. august: We know august is from Augustine's POV so i wont explain much.

9. this is me trying: I think this song is from James' POV, after he cheats and realizes the mistake he made. This can be supported by similar lyrics in the song betty 'Betty, I'm here on your doorstep' and 'But I'm here in your doorway' in this is me trying. There are also similar lyrics in the song august 'August sipped away like a bottle of wine' and 'Pouring out my heart to a stranger/But I didn't pour the whiskey' in this is me trying. Both the lyrics indicating getting drunk with someone you don't really know, smthg that happens during cheating ig.

10. illicit affairs: now this is a song clearly from Augustine's POV, during the cheating stuff is going. Even the name of the song says that so yeah.

11. invisible string: Ig this is a song from Betty's POV, about how James and her are meant to be.

12.mad woman: again tho the lyrics rlly don't fit in, this might be a song from Augustine's POV, cs she is being hated by everyone.

13. epiphany: ok this song is clearly unrelated so I'll leave it here

14. betty: this is from James' POV i don't need to explain why i think

15. peace: this can be a song from Augustine's POV, 'i could never give you peace' and 'But the rain is always gonna come if you're standing with me' indicate that troubles gonna follow everywhere and I see Augustine as a girl always in trouble so yea

16. hoax: i think this is a song from Betty's POV, after she finds out about the cheating. (I also think this is related to champagne problems, which I'll be explaining in some other post)

So the basic timeline of the album can be:

(commas indicating that they happened at the same time, the semi colon meaning a time gap)

So yea this is my analysis of folklore

Invisible string, mirrorball; august, illicit affairs, peace, hoax; cardigan, betty, this is me trying;the 1, exile;mad woman, the last grt American dynasty

This is in no way real it's just my analysis

[uh-velkommen]

The White Lotus, HBOMax

Alright four episodes in and things are finally starting to ramp up. My face throughout the whole episode was stuck on discomfort. This show packs so much tension in every 45 minutes that I'm constantly waiting for somebody to pop off or something crazy to happen but instead we get teased with the smallest little plot pusher. Which is working. I'm officially intrigued. I do wish I knew the overall point of the show because that's what would've helped me decide if I wanted to keep up with but now my determination to find out how this all ends is doing just that...

Character breakdown + Spoilers/Predictions

Armond: The manager of the White Lotus resort. I love him in all his poor choices. He's just constant chaos simply because he has the power to create it. He's also the biggest driver of drama. He lies a lot, almost pathologically, and he will carry those lies to the grave for no real reason.

Nicole Mossbacher: Resort guest, Mark's wife, and Olivia and Quinn's mom. She's a pretty basic character who is teased about possibly having OCD and working during vacation. She was pretty chill in the first 2 episodes but every once in a while she says things that gives off I'm a centrist but my views lean a little more conservative.

Mark Mossbacher: In the beginning he's stressing about possibly having testicular cancer because his father died of cancer... Turns out his father had AIDs. He has a depressive episode over his dad being gay and then, while drunk, he inadvertently comes onto the Armond. The next day Armond tests the waters with Sober Mark and we get uncomfortably funny scenes of Armond coming onto Mark in front of the whole family. Mark's a very passive dude who doesn't do anything exciting in the show but we just find out that he has, in the past, repeatedly cheated on his wife and didn't tell her (he told his son that he did tell Nicole but I don't believe it) I think his theme is just being genuinely unhappy with his life at the moment.

Olivia Mossbacher: She's a college sophmore and has many moments where she calls out her parents questionable statements. She carries herself with a weird nonchalance where you'd think she's a mean girl but she's only ever expectedly mean to her brother. However, she brought along her friend Paula and we start to see that their friendship is built on some unspoken competition. The girls do tons of drugs on vacay until Armond gets his hands on them and breaks his 5 year sobriety. This is when and why shit starts to hit the fan. They know he stole the drugs but because everyone avoids admitting to having illegal drugs, no one is ever outright accused.

Paula: Olivia's poc friend, possible hypochondriac, and supplier of drugs, has secret rendezvous with one of the Hawaiian native resort workers. She refuses to say anything when asked about her nightly disappearances but Olivia knows why or for whom Paula keeps sneaking off. We learn that Paula doesn't want Olivia to know about her and her beau because Olivia always wants what she has. My theory is that this wouldn't be the first time Olivia has stolen a partner of hers and I think now because Paula isn't admitting to hooking up with this guy, Olivia is gonna steal him and use Paula's secrecy as a way of blame.

Quinn Mossbacher: Involuntary loner in my opinion. He comes off as a classic video game nerd, obsessed with the internet, cant live without his Switch and Fortnite. He doesn't have any friends and he takes all the teasing from Olivia and Paula without a fuss. But he starts sleeping on the beach alone and keeps running into these amazing sights to see. This is where we start to see him blossom and speak up. Its ever so slow but in episode 4 he actually walks up to a group of guys and introduces himself, interested in their boat related sport[?] (Or maybe even the guys themselves🤞) He's also the only one who knows about the Dad's affair and stupidly hints at it at the family dinner (he's just genuinely stupid).

Shane Patton: Also a resort guest and the funniest character to me. He's your run of the mill self-centered male Karen (Kevin if you will) and he arrives at the resort with his wife Rachel. They're on their honeymoon but so many moments make you question why in the hell did these two get married? He is in an unnecessarily one sided battle with Armond. First the resort accidentally downgrades his room. Armond gaslights Shane into thinking that he never purchased the bigger room. Shane gets a receipt. Armond tells him there's a German couple staying in the receipted room longer than Shane and his wife are there so the room will not be ready for them in time. Shane finds out the Germans are actually leaving wayy earlier. Armond apologizes and books them a romantic sunset dinner on a boat. The boat is actually a funeral where a strange grieving woman, named Tanya, fails to spread her mothers ashes in the sea. Shane confronts Armond and asks for Corperate's number. Armond creates a fake business card and when Shane realizes the number is fake, he bursts into Armond's office to find him rimming a coworker while high on Ketamine. Prediction: Armond's gonna get blackmailed for abuse of power in a classic Monicagate manner.

Rachel: Shane's wife. Rachel's a journalist who actually looked up to Nicole (her job as CEO of god knows what puts her in the public eye) but when she finally got to sit with Nicole over lunch, Nicole calls her out for writing an incredibly slut shamey article, claiming that Nicole used her femininity to get her where she is now. This is the first smack in the face that maybe journalism isn't for Rachel. Well that on top of the constant teasing from Shane about her career choices. Shane's family is much more wealthy than Rachel's and he always finds subtle ways to make it known. Shane also pays her no mind, flirting with Olivia and Paula and battling Armond. Even during their arguments (which happens too many times for newlyweds) Shane doesn't look at Rachel and just gives periodic "mhmm"s and "okay"s. Also Rachel hates the Mossbacher family simply because they all seem to be doing better than her.

Now for the boring ones

Tanya McQuoid: An eccentric resort guest (which is a polite way of saying, a weird ass person who is over polite and basically pushes herself into every other character's drama in the most unintentional way, she's also bad at reading the room) She comes off as calm and quiet but we find out that her mother recently passed and she's in Hawaii to spread her mothers ashes. She becomes creepily obsessed with the resort's massage parlor manager, Belinda, after a complimentary massage and suggests becoming a beneficiary so Belinda can open up her own massage parlor. Her "obsession" could possibly just stem from Belinda showing her an act of kindness during a hard time but I know I questioned Tanya's intentions for at least the first two episodes... In episode 4, some random dude, Greg, shows up and invites Tanya to dinner after "accidentally" mistaking her room door for his own. Tanya postpones a business meeting with Belinda so she and Greg can hook up that night. The presence of these characters feel a little out of place. Unlike the Newly Weds and the Mossbacher family, there is not a lot of plot overlap. Tanya will often pop up to converse with the others and brag about Balinda's skills but she doesn't cause any trouble. Tanya's also very wealthy so I definitely thing this "Greg" has some secret plot to take down Tanya or plant something or steal her cash and unfortunately I do not think Belinda will see anything bright in her future. Her plans will be left on the backburner which I say is unfortunate because she's a kind woc who is just trying to do her job and is clearly very skeptical about going into business with this strange, rich white, resort guest.

Honorable Mention

Lani: A Hawaiian native, trainee at the White Lotus. She shows up in episode one as her first day on the job. Later we find out she's also pregnant and goes into a premature labor on the job. She has her baby and disappears for the next three episode. Come back Lani, Armond has just started getting your name right!

Show Themes

The show does touch on conversations of race and class but I would not consider this a political show or one with an agenda (it's satire). I point out the characters of color here because their race becomes a device used to create tension but not in a Token POC kind of way. All the characters are rich and they are shamed for it by the show writers. By this I mean nobody is spitting in their faces and calling them Climate Killers but the choices the characters make, the things they say, and the way they act gives the viewer something to laugh at. Their ignorant entitlement juxtaposing with the beautiful Hawaiian beaches and tragic Hawaiian history creates an underlying experience of, look at these rich people not having a good time and they can't even realize why! As for the characters, there is plenty of time to sit back and question, is this character a good person, who's the real antagonist, how do these stories intertwine, who do we root for What story is attempting to be told here? What is the message!?

[chikkou]

masterpost on the ryan haywood (and adam kovic) situation

so i already made this post as a more general “whats wrong with rooster teeth” post, as i honestly didnt expect the ryan haywood/adam kovic situation to go as far as it has - but at this point i think it’s much more prudent to put that information into its own post because the situation with both of these men, ryan primarily, has gone off the fucking rails 

tl;dr for the situation: ryan haywood and adam kovic both had nudes leak and were outed as cheating on their wives as a result of being catfished, but a great deal more information surfaced after the initial leak which led to the discovery that ryan haywood is a manipulative sexual predator, and adam kovic may have been sending sexual pictures and videos of his wife without her consent. 

i will try to break down this post chronologically as best i can and provide ample sources, and i will update it as new information is gathered. please be aware that many of these sources will be coming from kiwifarms, as it has gathered all of the relevant info into one place, but i will not be linking to the thread directly for a myriad of reasons, so if you want to find it, youll have to look for yourself. apologies if any of the screenshots contain disagreeable language; i wouldnt link them if they werent relevant.

general tw for pretty much everything in this post. all pictures of people will be largely sfw, but there will be nsfw text under the cut. i will not link to any nudes of ryan or adam. this is going to be long as fuck.

here goes.

NOTE: this post is currently up-to-date as of january 28th, 7:27 pm (EST). 

GENERAL BACKGROUND:

adam kovic and ryan haywood are both employees at the entertainment company rooster teeth. ryan has been working there since 2011, originally for more behind-the-scenes work before becoming a regular achievement hunter staple, while adam kovic was a personality who originally worked for machinima before he and a few others branched off to become funhaus. funhaus was later purchased by the media corporation fullscreen, as was rooster teeth, and both were merged sometime in 2014/2015. 

HOW THIS ALL BEGAN:

sometime in august, there were rumors circulating on certain forum sites that a catfisher had been sexting with a handful of e-celebs, and had their nudes. a torrent link was put up containing the files, but was quickly taken down. this didnt gain much traction, but was brought up again on the same forum in late september/early october. this time, the person posted images directly, showing that they’d been sexting with adam kovic and ryan haywood.

according to them, they didnt get very far with ryan and so there were only a small handful of his pictures and videos, but there were over 400 of adam’s nudes, also pictures and videos, and some of which featured his wife. after this news broke, a thread was made on kiwifarms to document everything (the thread was created on october 4th). another thread was made on /pol/ shortly before this, claiming that ryan was grooming underaged fans, and that both ryan and adam had sexted with fans (both of age and underage). no sources or corroboration for this claim were given at the time.

WEEK 1, DAY 1 (october 4th):

initially, most of the focus was on adam, due to the sheer number of his nudes and the content within them. while people were suspicious of the veracity of ryan’s nudes, it became clear that the photos of adam were legitimate, as his face was shown in several of them, there was no evidence of photoshopping, and he has a distinct tattoo which made it pretty hard to dispute. heres a more sfw picture as an example.

the catfish had all of these images on hand, and due to the “sent to you” header on top we know that they were sent directly to the catfish, and not taken from adam’s phone, meaning he willingly sent these images to the catfish. note that his wife was indeed almost naked in the background (wearing only underwear), and there are multiple pictures and videos of her completely naked and sometimes even engaging in sex with adam. after a bit of analysis, people came to the conclusion that the pictures of ryan were real, as well.

ADAM’S WIFE, JESS KOVIC:

no response came from him at first, nor his wife - the only indication she gave that she knew what had happened was this cryptic comment on her instagram account, which she has since privated. no one is quite clear what this reaction means, nor has she confirmed or denied whether she consented to the pictures and videos being taken and sent to others.

soon after, people who’d (puzzlingly) decided to sift through the nudes discovered something jarring - some of the nudes he’d sent appeared to have been taken IN the rooster teeth office. heres a sfw example, but there were at least a dozen others taken in the same location.

RYAN:

ryan’s nudes were largely ignored in the beginning - there were a great deal more of adam’s, and while ryan’s were pretty standard nudes, adam’s were much more plentiful and had a lot more variety in the... activities depicted, shall we say. people were also fixated on the status of his wife’s consent in the matter, and so little attention was given to ryan, who was simply deemed a cheater and left at that.

ROOSTER TEETH & THE FANBASE:

unsurprisingly, rt attempted to immediately suppress any and all mention of the scandal when it first broke. heres an image of a handful of threads that were made on r/roosterteeth that day; as you can see, the ones highlighted in red have been deleted, and all were about the leaks. comments on the official rt site were instantly deleted as well. no official comment from the company or any of the employees, though a former funhaus employee (rahul kohli) commented mocking adam for the situation, and implied that things were worse than we yet realized.

WEEK 1, DAY 2 (october 5th):

although adam had been the primary focus of the first day of the news breaking, it began to look like there was little else to discuss with him. at worst, he seemed to be a cheater, and potentially sent nudes of his wife without her permission. still disgusting, but as there was no comment from him and no new updates on his situation, attentions turned, and a slow rumble began bubbling up with more accusations about ryan.

ANONYMOUS ACCUSATIONS:

an anonymous twitter account, @brotherxteresa (whose account has since been suspended), claims to have been speaking to girls who’d been sexual with ryan. they state that everyone they’ve spoken to was of age - significantly younger than ryan, true, but still legally able to consent. however, they confirm that ryan has indeed been getting around with fans, both via sexting and in-person. he also strongly implies that the mods knew, and asks them to comment, but their responses are predictably vague. notably, though, is this tweet from @grandaddyskulls, in which they condemn “proven disgusting behavior,” heavily implying that the mods did indeed deal with “unproven” accusations against ryan in the past. unfortunately, there are no sources for this at this time.

on the same day, tumblr user @juggey creates this post, containing screenshots of a conversation they had with one of ryan’s victims. within those screenshots is this particularly interesting one, in which ryan receives a nude from the fan in question, only to ask, in an almost joking tone, if they “turned him into a felon” by sending a nude. they confirm that they are an adult, but it becomes clear that ryan did not know the age of the fan before getting sexual with them, and seems to have a very flippant and casual approach to this.

later on, this tweet is posted by @jasminewill123, confirming that ryan has indeed been messing with fans for years. no sources are posted, though, just a verbal confirmation. @brotherxteresa also reveals that he is speaking to someone who was solicited by ryan for sex when they were a minor in this tweet thread, but doesnt share any info, stating that the minor is saving it for a potential court case. there is also this tweet from someone stating that they slept with him in 2017, and that he claimed to have never had sex with a fan before and removed the condom mid-sex. once again, no corroboration for this just yet.

RT’S RESPONSE:

still mainly radio silence from the company, except for this tweet cancelling the days stream. replies on this post are locked almost instantly. rt also begins a quiet sweeping of all ryan and adam-centric content and videos, including a video of ryan reading “thirsty tweets” from fans, and straight up cut ryan out of certain videos (like a recent AHWU). some of these videos were archived, but we dont have a complete list of what was removed.

on the slightly less official side, r/roosterteeth issues a statement basically saying that any post attempting to discuss the leaks will be deleted immediately, and the people who post them will be reported (and likely banned).

WEEK 1, DAY 3 (october 6th):

we get our first confirmation of ryan having sexted a fan from @jasminewill123, in the form of this previously-unseen picture of ryan (it’s sfw but is clearly a cropped nude). rahul kohli again makes snide comments about adam and funhaus in general, but does not share any details of what he means. rumors spread that one of the former funhaus members, lawrence sonntag, has sent an email to his subscribers regarding adam kovic, but no evidence of that comes up yet. jess kovic posts this tweet plugging her online store, but still declines to comment on the situation. things are pretty quiet for a while, until finally, the first shoe drops.

TESSA GRAVES

at 4:13 pm, a woman named tessa graves posts this youtube video and links to it on her twitter account (with associated screenshots in the same thread). she discusses at length how she met ryan and when their relationship became sexual. 

as a brief summary of her video: they met at a con in 2017, when she had just turned 17, and started talking on snapchat. the relationship was platonic for a while until tessa accidentally sent him a picture meant for a friend in which her bra strap was visible. ryan began to flirt with her after this, and soon their relationship became sexual, with nudes being exchanged and dirty texts being sent. she states in the video that ryan did not know her age, nor did he ask for it. the two of them sexted and sent nudes on and off for two years, and planned to hook up in person, but it never came to fruition.

shortly after uploading the video, she posts this screen-recording of her snap messages with ryan, scrolling back through months and months of messages between them, all the way back to late 2017. the snapchat account is confirmed to be his, and the screen-recording proves to be incredibly compelling evidence. this is the first girl to come out and say that ryan was sexual with her when she was underage, and that she did send him nudes as a minor. on her twitter account, someone noticed that ryan was online in the video and inquired about it - tessa confirms that ryan messaged her when he saw her recording their chat, but declined to share what his message said.

RYAN’S TWEET

around an hour after tessa’s video was posted, ryan posts this tweet, announcing his departure from rt. he states that he “made mistakes,” acknowledging that the pictures and screenshots were real, but specifically insists that he “did nothing illegal,” a clear comment on tessa’s accusation. 

(he also asks people to stop harassing his family, but im unsure if the claim is true, as i personally have only seen people empathizing with his wife and children and no negative comments about them at all. he may be referring to people messaging his wife for comment on the situation, or he may just be straight up lying. given all hes done, the latter seems quite likely.)

people quickly begin speculating whether or not ryan was fired or quit of his own volition. personally, i believe the company offered him the option to either resign right then and there, or let them fire him publicly, and he chose the former. this is all speculation, though.

WEEK 1, DAY 4 (october 7th):

lawrence sonntag’s email to his subscribers finally gets leaked; it basically just says that hes grossed out and pissed off by what happened, and ends with the cryptic comment that “adam never washed his hands.” (he later stated that he meant this literally. EW!)

later the same day, adam privates his twitter account, and removes all references to rooster teeth and funhaus in his bio. shortly after, he unfollows everyone he was following and changes his icon and header to a black image. (basic public breakdown stuff, i suppose?) 

NEW LEAK TIMELINE:

it’s discovered that an anonymous twitter user, @d74840281, had messaged ryan and adam weeks before regarding these leaks on september 18th. they also accuse ryan, adam, and several other youtube personalities - alec paul, kootra, nenreaper, and dormstreams - of “grooming the same minor.” (i dont know any of those people, but it seems relevant so i added it.)

it’s also revealed that the r/funhaus subreddit was aware of the leaks 2 weeks beforehand, meaning that the info was successfully suppressed until october 4th, and that it was likely well-known by all funhaus members and probably general rt staff, as well.

RT’S RESPONSE:

the official rt account on roosterteeth.com posts this update to their programming schedule, cancelling several rttv programs, putting both achievement hunter and funhaus on a week long break, and delaying the premiere of two new shows (”rvb zero” and “grudge night”)

not long after, they post these tweets stating that they have “parted ways” with both adam and ryan, confirming that both men are no longer rt employees. they are deliberately vague about whether the men were fired or quit, but given the responses from both, i think ryan likely chose to resign instead of be fired, and adam was probably just fired outright. 

RYAN’S MODS:

you may recall that, on the second day, the question of whether the mods knew about ryan’s doings was posed. their answers were, of course, extremely vague, but one of them in particular strongly implied that the mods had dealt with some kind of accusation against ryan in the past and either ignored or actively suppressed it. well, sure enough, two of the mods (@grandaddyskulls and @ohdeerbambi/) post tweets admitting that they knew the entire time. 

specifically, they state that someone came forward with accusations of ryan behaving inappropriately two years ago (2018), coupled with screenshots. the mods confronted ryan about this, and when ryan (predictably) lied about it, they decided to drop it instead of pursuing it further. 

ADAM’S TWEET:

at 10:49 pm, adam finally speaks up with a post on twitter, formally stating that he is leaving funhaus. he apologizes to his coworkers and fans, but primarily apologizes to his wife, stating that he has “upturned her life.” he describes the events thus far as an “unbelievable breach of privacy and peeling back of [his] life,” and says that he is stepping away in order to focus on repairing his relationship with his wife and working on himself. 

while we still have no confirmation on whether his wife consented to having those pictures and videos taken, we know with a good amount of certainty now that she did not consent to having them sent to others. this would likely qualify as revenge (or otherwise non-consensual) porn in the state of california, so if she pressed charges, adam would likely see jail time.

CAST MEMBERS REACT:

the first direct response from cast members come from michael, jeremy, and lindsay, stating their feelings of anger and betrayal, and strongly implying that none of them were aware of the goings-on. (while they definitely HAVE to say this cookie-cutter stuff for the sake of their image, i will say that theres really not much else a person can say in a situation like this while still being professional. i do tentatively believe all three of them, with the most doubt on michael.)  

at this time, lawrence sonntag unfollows ryan, as do gus and lindsay. interestingly, the first person ryan unfollows himself is lindsay - this could potentially mean that lindsay actually blocked him, which forces the other person to unfollow.

WEEK 1, DAY 5 (october 8th):

at this point, discussion of adam kovic all but tapers off. he has gone full radio silent, and no one has come out with any more stories about him, so it seems very likely that his wrongdoings begin and end with the initial sexting and sending nudes of his wife. the conversation begins to turn to focus on ryan in earnest.

RYAN’S WIFE:

a reddit post (that is sadly deleted now) is uncovered from 3 months ago that reveals he and his wife have been sleeping in separate rooms for some time - we’re unsure exactly how long, but most people who’ve mentioned it have said it started in may. according to ryan, this was because his wife was exposed to covid at her job, but the quarantine period for covid is only 2 weeks - why would they be sleeping in separate rooms for so long when they clearly were not doing so before?

it is speculated that his wife may have somehow learned of ryan’s dalliances, as he was also seen without his wedding ring in streams much more often around the same time. it is unknown exactly why, though, so take this with a grain of salt.

MORE ANONYMOUS ACCUSATIONS:

a deleted user on reddit makes a post stating that they, too, sexted with ryan while they were also married. their husband found out and threatened to leak the info, but the user was able to convince him not to do so and he - according to op - deleted what proof he had. although the original post is now deleted, a pinned moderator comment on it states that the user provided proof corroborating the story in private. you can read a copy-pasted version of that story here. (apologies if it’s out of order.)

MORE CAST MEMBER COMMENTARY:

a list of all known cast member statements can be found here. it’s pretty comprehensive, but there are some i want to address here directly:

lindsay snaps at someone who tries to call her out for “not supporting her family” (meaning ryan). this, for me, is the big reason why i feel that she, at the very least, is being sincere.

blaine posts this.... weird video of him working out and captions it “me figuring out how to convert anxiety into energy.” i guess it’s supposed to be somewhat of a mood lightener, but honestly it just feels kind of trivializing to me. idk what he was thinking LMAO

aaron marquis makes this... interesting (and vague) comment. no further elaboration on it, but it’s definitely unique in comparison to many others.

meg’s statement strikes me as particularly devoid of sincerity. it may just be confirmation bias, but i just feel like it’s incredibly hollow in comparison to the others (which are also kind of hollow LMAO).

joel heyman, who was fired from rt not long ago, doesnt comment directly, but does like this tweet which calls him “the only non-degenerate connected to rt.” (OCT. 12 EDIT: he has since posted this tweet with no context, but i think it’s pretty clear what hes referring to.)

tina dayton, streamer and wife of ray, posts this tweet letting people know that mentioning the ryan/adam situation to ray in streams will not be tolerated. (OCT. 21 EDIT: she posts this tweet a few days later, on october 15th, decrying anyone who wants to play “devils advocate” in support of an abuser against their victim.)

JAN 30 EDIT: this is very late, but sometime on or before january 6th, alfredo briefly discussed the ryan haywood situation on his stream and berated those who still support him. his closing statement is the perfect summation of all of these events: fuck ryan haywood.

WEEK 1, DAY 6 (october 9th):

adam kovic deletes his twitter account, and all other public social media. this is the last piece of relevant adam kovic information for several months to come.

MICHELLE VOLOGS

at 11:26 am, a twitter user named @MichelleVologs posts this tweet, containing a link to this video, called “what you need to know about ryan haywood,” in which she asserts - with proof - that she and ryan had sex on september 23rd 2017, when she was 17 years old.

brief summary: they began talking when she was 17 and dm’d him on instagram. it was platonic at first, but he began flirting with her and trying to sext with her, at which point she inquired about the nature of his relationship with his wife. he insisted that they were in a “sexless marriage” because his wife hates sex, and that he needed to seek it out elsewhere. (we have no idea if this is even remotely true - the only source claiming this is ryan himself.) they sexted for a while, then eventually met up in california and had sex in person (and much like the story that @jasminewill123 told, ryan removed the condom in the middle of sex). when michelle told ryan that she was underage, he simply stated that it was okay and that he “trusted her.” 

she shows screenshots throughout the video of their instagram dms, as well as some candid shots of ryan in their hotel room. (people have speculated that the latter two pictures may be ryan removing his wedding ring.) this picture also proves that they definitely met in person. take note of the fact that, in the dms, michelle keeps the conversation very platonic and professional - ryan is the one to initiate the sexual talk, and with zero prompting.

on top of this, michelle is also the first person to posit the idea that ryan deliberately chose to pursue young girls with mental health issues, a notion that will crop up again later.

EVEN MORE ANONYMOUS ACCUSATIONS

a reddit user by the name of “klowbie-frenzy” states that they, too, were victimized by ryan, though they dont publicly share their story or any particular info. they are encouraged to go to rt directly.

WEEK 1, DAY 7 (october 10th):

ryan begins deleting tweets, but other than that is completely radio silent. people analyzing ryan’s instagram notice this post, made on september 24th 2017 - the day after he and michelle had sex. sure enough, he is still in LA as he was the day before, and michelle herself comments on the post in a clear reference to the events of the day before, reasserting that she is telling the truth.

LEIGH:

yet another girl, leigh, comes forward and says she was sexually involved with ryan. she posts this (very long) document to her twitter account @leigh__sucks, which details the entirety of her relationship with ryan. unlike tessa and michelle, leigh was over 18 during the course of her experience with ryan (she was 20 when they first started talking).

brief summary of the document: she started messaging ryan on snapchat in 2017, and it remained platonic until february 2018, when they exchanged nudes for the first time. they sexted for a while, until hooking up for the first time at rtx 2018. leigh told someone she knew about the encounter, and this person began harassing leigh and ryan about it, threatening to tell his wife and leaving nasty comments on ryan’s stream. eventually the person backed off, and ryan and leigh continued sexting and meeting up for sex, on and off. according to her, they sexted as recently as september 2020.

this story is MUCH different than tessa’s and michelle’s, as leigh was still engaging with ryan fairly actively until only a month ago, and had a different perspective as an adult than the two underaged girls would have had. still, she is absolutely correct that ryan held a similar power over her due to his celebrity status, and that he took advantage of this.

she also provides screenshots and pictures of the two of them in the thread. although it is all VERY convincing - as if everything else hes done wasnt enough - theres something particularly unique in her thread, which is these screenshots of payments sent to her by ryan, under the name “sorta malicious gaming.” why is ryan sending leigh money under this name relevant? well...

RYAN’S DONATIONS:

one of ryan’s mods reveals that the email ryan used to send this money was connected to his stream. according to ryan, the money he received from twitch donations and bits went to his children’s college funds, or any necessary big-ticket expenditures like home repairs - however, as we can see here, that was a complete lie. this means that all donations he received, which he claimed went to taking care of himself and his family, were actually being spent on gifts and plane tickets for the girls he was hooking up with. im not sure if he could get into any legal trouble here - im doubtful, since they are donations - but this is just another way he took advantage of his fans, only this time is financial instead of sexual. and speaking of taking advantage of fans...

RYAN “VENTS” TO LEIGH:

shortly after posting her document, leigh added an update to say that ryan had redownloaded snapchat and that she’d immediately began taking screenshots. surprisingly, ryan messaged her and asked if she’d speak with him. leigh agreed (for the purpose of getting more screenshots, according to her), and ryan began talking about how his marriage and career were over, how he never meant to victimize anyone, and that the girls coming out would rather “make him the bad guy” than accept that theyd slept with him willingly. 

leigh mentions that it occurred to her how ryan would always cast doubt on any rumors by claiming that whatever girl hed been involved with was “crazy,” and notes that he did the same to her, all while calling her his “friend.” this will be relevant again later. 

ryan goes on to point the finger at leigh specifically, saying that he ‌“still‌ ‌didn’t‌ ‌know‌ ‌if‌ ‌[she] ‌was‌ ‌going‌ ‌to‌ ‌add‌ ‌to‌ ‌the‌ ‌fire‌ ‌at‌ ‌this‌ ‌point,”‌ ‌and‌ ‌how‌ ‌he‌ ‌“hoped‌ ‌[she wouldn’t]‌ ‌for‌ ‌his‌ ‌kids’‌ ‌sake.” all the while, leigh notes that he was deleting messages, proving to her that ryan was more fixated on his image and manipulating her into doing what HE wanted, rather than doing the right thing. here are screenshots of the conversation between leigh and ryan, and here are some clearer photos (as some are a bit blurry due to being taken on another phone).

WEEK 2, DAY 1 (october 11th):

this day is mostly quiet as people attempt to digest the absurd influx of information from the days prior, as well as the huge bombshell dropped by leigh in particular. 

RYAN’S DISCORD SERVER:

it’s discovered that ryan likely found out about the leaks very early on (either the very first day, or the day of tessa’s accusation), because he was noted as being online in his discord server, which he apparently rarely used.

the users in his discord server immediately disown him upon learning of his preying on minors, and assert that the server is now a general server instead of a ryan haywood server.

YOU GUESSED IT - MORE ANONYMOUS ACCUSATIONS:

this tweet thread is made by @trickstress_ stating that, while working with “the madhouse” (not exactly sure what this is, but it seems like some kind of ryan-themed community server), they attempted to get ryan to address a situation occurring behind the scenes in which someone was being bullied and harassed by other members. when ryan is sent five pages of screenshots and evidence, he basically says that screenshots are not proof and that the victim simply “wanted” to be offended. this caused trick and a few others to leave the madhouse.

in the same screenshot, he mentions a situation involving another certain user that he is dealing with (the name of the person in question is redacted in blue), and trick speculates that the person in blue may be another one of ryan’s victims.

meanwhile, twitter user @eacalpreon (whose account appears to be deleted) states that they uncovered this tumblr post from august 25th, 2019, about someone who spotted ryan at an austin hotel they used to work at, entering a hotel room booked by someone that was certainly NOT his wife. at the time of posting, this was simply brushed off as speculation and ignored.

KAYLA:

at 10:03 am, this tweet is posted by @HADERSRICHIE/, detailing yet another story of their encounters with ryan. unlike other stories, kayla unfortunately does not have any screenshot evidence due to losing it all after unfriending ryan from snapchat in 2018 - but in all honesty, at this point we know hes guilty, so that part is not as relevant.

brief summary of the document: the two began talking on snapchat in february 2017, but they didnt begin talking regularly until june 2017, after kayla had moved to austin (for non-related reasons). kayla reveals that she is the user from trick’s tweet thread that was bullied out of the madhouse, and that ryan was not only unhelpful, but was actively telling people that she was a “crazy psycho.” she also backs up the idea that ryan seemed to deliberately target girls with mental health issues. in late 2017/early 2018, the two “make up” and ryan initiates sexual talk. within the first day of flirting, ryan sends kayla a dick pic. the two sexted for a while, and eventually did hook up in person. they hooked up 3 times in total before kayla unfriended ryan on snapchat and ceased all communication with him. 

unlike other cases, kayla was of age (23/24) when this all went down. later on, trick confirms on reddit that kayla was indeed the person from her tweet thread whose name was censored in blue.

DOT:

at 3:37 pm, this tweet thread is posted by @alijdotroro stating that she was also involved with ryan for a few months. her thread is fairly short, and she states that they never had sex in person or anything to the same extent as some of the others - he flirted with her for the first time while she was at a concert, it continued for several months, then he got bored and stopped it. dot was unable to provide screenshots as she had deleted her snapchat. 

JACK’S STATEMENT:

jack pattillo posts this tweet at 8:16 pm, containing this document regarding the ryan (and adam) situation. he first addresses his feelings of anger, betrayal, and guilt, stating that he feels somewhat responsible as he helped to create the same platform that ryan abused. he goes on to thank everyone who has had kind words for him and the other rt staff, and states that while he knows everyone handles rough situations differently, he hopes that people can understand his desire to think positively. he goes on to say that he knows it will be difficult for fans to trust rt going forward, but that he hopes they will give rt another chance and that they (rt) “will be better - [they] have to be.” 

as far as all of the statements go, in my opinion, this one is the most sincere of all (although lindsay’s is definitely the most sincere for me) - jack clearly wrote this himself instead of using standard “shocked” quotes as many of the other rt cast did, and while it is definitely very damage control-y, i can easily tell that he, at the very least, is taking the matter seriously. this doesnt necessarily mean that jack 100% didnt know, but at this point i am inclined to believe that he didnt.

WEEK 2, DAY 2 (october 12th):

twitter user @fantaisieally discusses her own experiences with ryan haywood; they chatted on snapchat starting in 2017, she would often go to him for dating advice, and while ryan finally tried to hit on her, he got completely deaded when she told him that he was “like her older brother.” honestly this one is just really funny to me, like she completely curved his ass and he had to flounder talking about “i was JOKING lol just a joke!” it’s pretty glorious after all this terrible shit.

someone on reddit notes that after ally turns him down, ryan doesnt apologize or anything, but instead continues the “joke” in such a way that prompts her to accept his offer while still giving him plausible deniability. (that phrase is going to come up quite a bit with regard to his overall “strategy.”)

KATIE B:

at 9:08 am, twitter user @frizzical/ posts this tweet thread, documenting her own relationship with ryan. she states that, while their relationship thankfully never turned sexual, ryan absolutely attempted to groom her into sex and even mentioned her to another girl, saying he wanted a threesome with both of them.

brief summary of the document: katie started watching his streams when she was 17, and ryan knew her by name very quickly. they started talking on snapchat shortly after she turned 18, and although it was generally rt-related, one day she reached out asking for advice on a personal situation that ryan was incredibly helpful with, leading to them talking semi-regularly. they talked about katie’s abusive home life and mental health issues, and while things were mostly platonic, ryan would sometimes drop inappropriate questions in, such as if katie was a virgin and what her sexuality was. when katie hit hard financial times, ryan attempted multiple times to send her money, and when katie refused to take charity, he would make a “joke” about having her pay it off with sex.

eventually ryan forced her to accept the money, stating that he would no longer speak to her if she didnt. ryan was katie’s main support system, and so she felt she had no choice but to accept it. she states that he sent her $1000 in total, all of which came from his twitch’s paypal. he also actively tried to turn katie against her best friend - kayla, who was the other victim mentioned on week 2, day 1 (october 11th) - by telling her that kayla was crazy, but this did not work. in 2019, katie moved in with ryan’s mod bambi, and ryan very suddenly cut off contact completely. ryan and katie got back in contact as recently as earlier this week, and when she began taking screenshots of their snap conversations, ryan dm’d her on twitter to confront her about it, further trying to manipulate her. she ends with a message of support for the other girls. 

the messages ryan sent katie are viewable in the thread, but i would like to link them directly here to show how he manipulates victims. notice how he once again pins the blame on the victim for taking screenshots, instead of himself for being a fucking creep. 

RT’S RESPONSE:

they’ve been pretty quiet the last few days, but someone noticed that the off topic podcast episode #177 has been removed from iOS podcasts. this episode is the one where the guys discuss ryan’s habit of leaving business trips a day late. i find it extremely interesting that the company is claiming ignorance of the situation, yet would remove this VERY key piece of information in the process.

OFF TOPIC #177

i originally just had this as a bulletpoint in the miscellanous info section, but decided to move it to its own segment because it is actually quite significant to this story. in this video, michael, jeremy, gavin, ray, geoff, and andy blanchard discuss ryan’s habit of always leaving business trips a day late.

quick description: michael brings up a conversation he had with ryan about staying an extra day on business trips, and paraphrases ryan as saying that he prefers to stay away longer because “[his wife] isnt gonna watch [the kids], im not gonna get a fucking second at home.” michael then states that theyve “gotten to the bottom of this,” that ryan just wants to sleep before “going home to that nightmare.” 

as michael is talking, geoff and jeremy both go quiet and look very pensive and glassy-eyed, while ray tries to joke that the quote was a “cry for help from ryan” but immediately frowns after saying so. gavin, jeremy, and andy are completely quiet for the entire second half of the video. michael tries to paper over it by saying that ryan loves his kids very much as evidenced by their frequent appearances in his streams, but a visibly-uncomfortable ray makes another “joke” that having his kids appear in his videos is “easy money.”

then there is a VERY awkward silence in which everyone looks super uncomfortable, jeremy takes a massive gulp of his drink, ray has his hand over his mouth as he stares hard at michael and shakes his head repeatedly (as if telling him to stop talking), and geoff lets out a HUGE sigh, as if he’s just realized something terrible. michael ends the clip with the comment that they didnt “jack” ryan, meaning that they werent making fun of ryan to have him come on the podcast and defend himself. (OCT. 12 EDIT: thanks to @juggey for clarifying this!) although it’s not included in this short clip, the full podcast shows that the incredibly tense moment is cut by fiona nova immediately walking on set with a puppy out of nowhere. very fucking weird.

while it is largely circumstantial, i find this clip is extremely telling, and i think this is the moment where they realized that something was going on with ryan’s homelife (either they recognized that the real reason he wanted to stay behind was to cheat, or they’d simply put together that he was not happy at home for whatever reason). the fact that this off topic is one of the only ones to have been taken down also really strikes me as important.

ALISON

at 2:31 pm, twitter user @adothop posted some screenshots of conversations between herself and ryan. they did not have a sexual relationship, but looks like ryan tried hard (and failed hard LMAO) at flirting with her, to no avail. not much else to say about this one - it’s pretty straightforward.

RYAN’S STATEMENT

at 7:48 pm (around the same time i uploaded this post, lmao), ryan posted this statement on his twitter account, discussing the events of this past week. he takes full accountability for his actions, stating that he abused his position and crossed the line as a public figure, while also asking that people stop harassing his family. the statement’s about as cookie cutter as it can get - after all, what can a person really say to absolve themselves after being outed as doing so much horrid stuff?

i again am skeptical of the claim that his family is being harassed, though i dont doubt that people are harassing HIM directly, but in any case it’s as much of a non-apology as one might expect. he even tries to shift blame by saying he “always came from a place of what [he] thought was a shared connection.” it’s boilerplate bullshit, as usual.

ANOTHER RH STORY ANON

sometime around 9 pm, a reddit user going by r/anotherrhstoryanon (i will call them anon for short) put this post on the r/roosterteeth subreddit, and linked to a 30 page google doc detailing their relationship with ryan. the timeline of this one is very difficult to parse, but i will do my best to lay it out clearly. particular tw for this story - it describes in detail sexual abuse, physical abuse, and features ddlg heavily throughout. i will not be linking any images directly - please view the doc for those.

(not-so)-brief summary: im not certain of when ryan and anon originally started talking, but the earliest message shown in their conversation is from december 2016, and the first time they met up in person was april 2017. they were “together” for at least a year, as anon states that it took them until march 2018 to begin distancing themselves from ryan. their relationship was HEAVILY steeped in dd/lg culture - ryan almost solely referred to anon as names like “little girl,” “baby girl,” even calls them “kiddo” in the VERY FIRST SCREENSHOT and asks if theyve ever been with an older man. given that he already dipped below the age of consent twice (that we know of - we currently do not know the age of this anon), this is a very horrifying start.

anon admits pretty early on - to both ryan (in the screenshots) and the reader - that they were very intimidated by him, and felt a sort of compulsion to do as he ordered. but as they say quite clearly, they realized soon into their “relationship” that even though they wanted to please ryan so he’d like them, they hated having sex with him, hated BEING sexual with him, and just generally hated being with him. although they enjoyed sex the first time, they note that sex with ryan was rough and painful every time after, leading to them tearing more than once and bleeding EVERY time, and sometimes causing them to be unable to sit or walk after. 

ryan not only ignored anon every time they asked him to be more gentle, but seemed to get off on it, making comments about how they “needed more abuse” or that they “had to work up to it.” on top of all this, ryan would not wear a condom while having sex with anon, and lied to them about them being the only fan he was having sex with - which they believed until august 2020, more than two years later, when ryan said there was “one other fan.” in actuality, ryan had been sleeping with multiple girls and often removing the condom during sex, a fact well-documented here. 

anon ends the document by tying their story to several other known facts, to show the pattern of ryan’s behavior, and sharing some other pertinent info. some of these include:

- a picture of them taken in a hotel room mirror, in an identical room and position to the picture leigh took. 

- this video, at timestamp 8:27, of the off topic podcast #87. in this short moment, ryan idly licks a cupcake. anon shows a screenshot in which ryan messaged her and admitted that he was thinking about her while he was licking it. 

- screenshots of ryan attempting (again with limited success) to give anon money or buy them presents. anon was resistant to this, as katie had been, but ryan managed to convince them to accept a remote controlled sex toy. later in the same exchange, he uses the term “plausible deniability” again. there is a reason this keeps cropping up - he very likely used the phrase often.

- a screenshot of anon telling ryan point blank that the power dynamic between them was imbalanced. this message is dated may 23rd, 2020 - and around june 12th, 2020 was leigh’s exchange with ryan, in which he tells leigh that he is older and “some kind of quasi-internet person,” and is worried this will influence her.

- screenshots of ryan admitting to choking anon without their permission. according to anon, this was not the first time he did something to them without permission, and it wasnt even the non-consensual act anon was referring to when they brought it up. i sincerely cannot overstate my fucking disgust here.

there is a lot more i can get into here, but im going to cut it off here for the sake of brevity (and out of disgust, honestly). please consider reading all 30 pages, if you can stomach it - it truly is even worse than it sounds. theres a reason i didnt link to any of their messages directly.

WEEK 2, DAY 3 (october 13th):

sometime earlier in the week (im not sure when, as the “adam kovic” aspect of the story has been pretty much lost the plot), jess kovic deletes her twitter account. the reason why is pretty easy to guess. then, sometime today, it’s discovered that she has also deleted all posts containing pictures of adam on her instagram account.

(JAN 30 EDIT: this was originally an archive link which showed all of the most recent posts on jess’s insta, of which quite a few adam ones had been deleted [i saw it myself the day it was posted]. unfortunately, it appears the archive was taken down, so ive replaced the original link with a screenshot from kiwifarms of the first person to mention it on the thread. i know thats not amazing proof, but sadly its the best i can do.)

this all but confirms that jess did not consent to having those pictures/videos sent to other people, if she consented to having them taken at all, and this makes adams actions even more disgusting than we initially believed them to be.

RH ANON PT. 2:

people are still reeling from the absolutely horrendous document released the day before (oct. 12) when anon posts a short update on the very last page of the doc, which you can read here. they clear up some points that people were confused on; most are not relevant for our purposes, but the biggest one is that anon confirms they were NOT underage during their “relationship” with ryan and that he knew this. 

anon also confirms that ryan deliberately lied about the circumstances of their “relationship” in order to keep them from backing out of it, as he knew they would not want to proceed with a sexual relationship if he admitted the truth. based on context, i am taking this to mean that he lied about not sleeping with anyone else, and about wearing condoms if he did. 

MEGASHINY:

at 3:04 pm, ryan’s mod meg (who i will be calling by her username, megashiny, for the sake of clarity) posts this tweet, which contains a link to this document. in this document, she admits that ryan took advantage of his position over her (as, being his mod, she was basically his employee) and started sending her nudes without consent in september 2017 (she says it was a sunday, so either the 6th, 13th, 20th, or 27th - notice the proximity to his encounters with michelle and tessa). 

brief summary: he played the same card he had with the others, talking about his sexless marriage, and convinced megashiny to sleep with him. when she asked him point blank how many other girls he was involved with, he lied and said only one or two - as we clearly note, there were many, many more than that. she did not want to sleep with him, but like anon from yesterday, felt compelled to do what he asked. even when megashiny tried to say no to a sex act he wanted to do, he told her he “knew how to make her say yes.” he also knew about her having adhd and anxiety, and in conjunction with the other girls, strikes me as yet another continuation of his pattern of targeting mentally ill and neurodivergent women and girls.

while megashiny was somewhat close in age to ryan (she was 28 at the time), if youll notice in her picture, she is quite thin and small in stature - both of which contribute to her looking pretty young. while i do believe ryan knew her age, it would not surprise me if he pursued her because she had the APPEARANCE of being in her late teens.

megashiny posts an update later the same day, detailing the exact method weve seen happen with the other girls before - ryan would “throw all this attention and praise at [them], make [them] feel special,” only to “basically ghost [them].” this left the girls feeling like theyd done something wrong, but in actuality, it was all part of his plan to keep them dependent on and obedient to him. these same patterns crop up in every story, no matter the variables.

she also admits that she essentially helped ryan with his “sexcapades” by either covering for him, encouraging the girls to sleep with him, or just generally keeping her mouth shut regarding what she knew about them. (this part is very vaguely described, so i can only surmise what she means specifically, but i do think this is essentially what she is saying.) shortly after she posted this, ryan called her and begged her for over an hour to not divulge anymore information, and to “think of his wife and kids.” 

RYAN BEGINS MESSAGING VICTIMS: 

at 7:04 pm, michelle posts this tweet, with the caption “how it started vs how it ended (hopefully, and please stop harassing me)” and two pictures. the first picture is of her first exchange with ryan on instagram; the second picture is a more recent message from ryan (not sure exactly what day it was received, but as it still shows his old icon, it is definitely a few days old), begging her to take down her video and tweets and to “think about his kids.” (brief tw for suicide mention in the next two paragraphs.)

he even goes so far as to strongly imply that he is going to kill himself, telling michelle that he is “going to die” and that “he will die for this if you [michelle] want.” from the statement michelle made, it seems likely that he has sent her similar messages over the course of the last week. michelle must have blocked him on his original account, because he then made this throwaway account and dm’d her again, repeating the same sort of rhetoric and begging her to remove her statements “for his kids.”

in the same tweet thread, another victim, ileena (who was shown accusing ryan very early on in a previous screenshot) posts an old screenshot of a conversation between her and ryan, in which she is actively suicidal and ryan begs her not to kill herself because “practically there’s no way they wouldnt investigate and figure out you and i had stuff going on.” he straight up tells her that he doesnt want her to die because their affair will be discovered.

(note: ileena’s original screenshot contains a full, unblocked number that could potentially belong to ryan - but DO NOT CONTACT THIS NUMBER. he is a disgusting monster, but it is not anyone’s place to needlessly antagonize him, and we dont even know that that is his actual number to begin with. i am only putting this disclaimer because the screenshot is easily viewable in the thread; i wouldnt even mention it otherwise.) 

CAS:

not long after midnight, @slayercas/ (who i will refer to as “cas” for short) posts this cryptic tweet, strongly hinting at needing to say something important, but being scared to do so due to a lack of evidence - the surrounding tweets are all about ryan haywood, making it highly likely they are alluding to having been one of his victims. approximately 4 hours later, they received this message from a throwaway account, ostensibly owned by ryan.

notably, though, is the fact that this is NOT the same throwaway account which ryan was messaging michelle from - the account michelle was messaged from is @pleaseR73880233, while the account cas was messaged from, although the name is partially obscured, ends with the number “7384736.” no confirmation on cas’s claim, nor whether the account is truly ryan’s. 

(OCT. 14 EDIT: the full name seems to be @pleaseR27384736, which originally led to this cryptically bereft page. note the join date, amount of tweets, and amount of followers - the account was in use for quite some time, and may have had a different username before messaging cas. someone also takes note of the fact that there was an intern named “amber” who worked at rooster teeth years ago, but so far no connection has been made between the name and anyone else. 

sadly, this account has since been deleted, so no proper analysis of who it is following and who follows it can be done. the username has since been taken and the account replaced with this - take their personal opinion with a grain of salt.)   

MJ:

at 9:21 am, twitter user @mjmills_ posts these tweets containing these screenshots of a recent conversation with ryan. although she declines to share her story right then, she notes that ryan has been taking screenshots of their old conversations, a statement which causes ryan to message her asking “where [she is] on the hate meter” and once again trying to manipulate her. although nothing is forthcoming right away, this will pop up again later.

WEEK 2, DAY 4  (october 14th):

rt’s community manager, jackie izawa, announces her departure from the company. i cant even imagine how much shit she was inundated with after this news broke, but given that she explicitly mentions her mental health being a factor in her decision, im willing to bet it was a lot.

joel heyman also posts this incredibly eyebrow-raising tweet, clearly accusing rt staff of having known full well about ryan’s actions ahead of time. given that he was fired not long ago, it is entirely possible that he is just stirring the pot - but as he is a former rt founder, there may be some truth to his claim. if it IS true, however, then it reflects just as poorly on him, as it means that he ALSO knew about ryan and did nothing.

RYAN’S SOCIAL MEDIA:

sometime in the morning (before 11 am), ryan deletes his twitter account and his instagram. the throwaway account that was used to message michelle is also deleted around the same time, making it highly likely that it did indeed belong to ryan.

interestingly, the account that messaged cas is not deleted until much later (somewhere around 1:30-2 pm), and not before sending some more harassing messages. note the final message which says that “[his] family can’t handle another story coming out.” this strongly implies that there are even more girls than we’ve already seen - and counting every single accusation we know of, not just confirmed ones, we’ve already gotten somewhere between 10-15 girls.  

CAS PT. 2:

after some more messages from the potential ryan account, cas posts this follow-up tweet to clarify some points. she states clearly that she was NOT underage, and lives local to austin, which would explain both her fears about speaking out and how she could have encountered ryan. 

JACK AND MICHAEL:

in the early afternoon, jack and michael go live on youtube to do a stream together - but first, the monumental task of discussing ryan. (OCT. 14 EDIT: the original video was privated almost immediately after its conclusion; here is a reupload. it is sadly missing quite a few moments due to the site crashing periodically, but the majority of their conversation is there.) 

some key bits from the conversation:

- the first minute or so, both jack and michael have difficulty speaking, and stutter/stop short quite a bit before jack finally begins to talk in earnest. jack expresses disgust and regret immediately, apologizing to the community for “letting [them] down,” and thanks people who have been supportive to the victims and rt staff.

- michael point blank states that the achievement hunter staff - and probably more, also - were put into “counseling.” he does not specify whether he means LEGAL counseling or EMOTIONAL counseling, but given the way both he and jack act throughout the video, im all but certain that it’s the latter.

- jack asks that people not bother geoff, as he is “going through his own stuff,” and strongly implies that the situation with ryan has thrown him for a massive loop and possibly sent him into a downward spiral.

- michael states that they will NOT be discussing ryan at all during off-topic, and notes that they no longer want to even mention his name, let alone spend time talking about him at length (and, indeed, they do not address him by name in the video even once - jack mainly refers to him as “that guy” or “that monster,” while michael only refers to ryan as “he” or “him”). i personally am in pretty strong disagreement with the way theyve chosen to approach this, but i can understand the reasoning behind it.

- jack announces the return of rt extra life, and states that they will be doing a full week of 12 hour streams instead of one 24 hour stream “to make up for all the shit that happened this year.” 

- this is a small moment, and COMPLETE conjecture on my part, but i noticed it pretty quickly; at timestamp 14:15, when michael’s child cries off-screen, he slightly turns toward that direction, then seems to suddenly get upset and turns his face away from the camera, so his hair and hat obscure most of his profile. he seems to take a hard swallow, bites his lip (which is quivering), and rubs his face hard before turning back toward the camera. all of these things in conjunction make it seem that he was biting back tears, or otherwise chasing away some bad thought (possibly about ryan’s kids?).  

while i, as always, remain skeptical that no one knew about ryan, i do have to admit that this video is extremely saddening to watch. jack is audibly on the verge of tears for the entire 20-minute video, and michael looks absolutely miserable from beginning to end, as well - his hair is visibly unkempt under his hat, and his face is contorted into a grimace pretty much the whole time, all of which speaks to a sincere depressive state. in any case, rt as a whole has been well and truly fucked by this series of events.

SURVIVORS OF RYAN PT. 1:

earlier in the day, the twitter account @survivorsofryan (run by katie) received these dms from an anonymous account, stating that they were involved with ryan many years ago, around 2004/2005, and that he was still dating his girlfriend (now wife) at that time. they conclude that he has been cheating on her since at least 2004, possibly even earlier than that. note that this anonymous person also fits into ryan’s “preferred” age range of 18 or just over 18, while ryan was in his mid 20s at the time.

RYAN’S MODS 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO:

all of ryan’s mods (katie, bambi, freckles, and more) have their mod powers removed from his youtube and twitch channels. freckles posits an excellent question - why would he remove their mod powers instead of just simply deleting both accounts?

there arent many answers i can think of other than the obvious one - that ryan sincerely plans to return to his online career once this “blows over.” his entitlement is absolutely unthinkable.

ASTRID ROSE:

at 7:01 pm, twitter user @astridrose_20 posts this tweet containing this document, detailing her relationship with ryan. (tw for sexual abuse.) 

summary: their first contact was in late 2018, when astrid was 18. she reached out to him to thank him for his positive content and mentioned her mental health struggle and abusive home life, and ryan responded in a kind way and comforted her. they had a friendly, platonic relationship for a short while, but he soon became suggestive. initially, astrid shut down his advances due to viewing him as a father figure, but was scared that he would sever contact should she not acquiesce. feeling indebted to him for his kindness, astrid rose eventually accepted his advances. 

they sexted for some time until meeting in person in 2019. astrid told ryan she was a virgin and was not on birth control, but ryan assured her he would wear a condom. ryan was, as many girls before have mentioned, very rough and gave her no time to adjust, and removed the condom halfway through sex in spite of astrid telling him she did not want him to. much like the r/roosterteeth anon mentioned, ryan was very rough, and astrid could hardly walk after.

they met up 10 more times after this, and every meeting eventually went this way - astrid could not take pill-form bc due to it making her feel unwell, so every time ryan would promise to wear a condom, and every time he would remove it in the middle of sex. astrid also states that, like the r/roosterteeth anon, ryan did things “similar” to the choking he did to that anon, but astrid did not want to specify any more than this. 

eventually, as a result of her trauma, astrid began binge eating and gained weight. ryan apparently lost interest in her due to this and cut all contact with her, at which point she deleted all their messages and other forms of contact. 

although the story does not have any corroborating evidence, this lines up extremely well with what we have already learned about ryan, and i cant really find myself doubting any bit of it, as it all seems to fit very clearly into the picture. 

KRISTEN M/TATS:

at 8:21 pm, a community member by the name of kristen (nicknamed tats by the community - i will be referring to her as “tats”) posts this tweet containing yet another story about ryan. the story is thankfully not as horrific as some of the others, but is elucidating nonetheless.

brief summary: tats first reached out to ryan in 2013, as she had just founded the blog “fuckyeahrtfanfic” (which is exactly what it sounds like) and wanted to do a q&a with some rt cast members. ryan agreed, and after the q&a she and ryan both kept up contact. tats notes that, while ryan definitely started their relationship off similarly to that of the other girls (being kind and sweet, helping them with emotional problems, sending gifts and other such things, then progressing to sexually suggestive comments and “jokes”), things did not go the same way for her.

simply put, tats did not indulge ryan at all in the sexual stuff very much, and would either brush past it or not notice it. she notes that, after a while - primarily when the other girls, like his twitch mods, came into the picture - their interactions became shorter, more business-like, and much more rare. she concludes by wondering if there was anything she could have done had she been more knowledgeable about what was going on.

while the story is not an allegation in itself, it is indeed telling about ryan’s process, as it shows clearly what happens if the girls he spoke to didnt meet his “standards.” tats does seem grateful to have been spared a much worse fate, but she notes that big parts of her life that were populated by interactions with ryan have now been sullied, and that she feels a tremendous amount of guilt for what little involvement she had in pushing girls toward ryan (as she states that some of the people who’ve come forward were people she knew and unintentionally “placed in harm’s way”). his selfish behavior has had a massive impact that extends far beyond himself and his victims, and it’s horrific to think about.

WEEK 2, DAY 5 (october 15th):

this day was pretty uneventful, overall: only one major breakthrough that i could see.

MJ PT. 2:

at 10:46 am, MJ posts this tweet containing this google doc detailing her relationship with ryan. her story is quite different, as she is currently (as of october 15th) the only girl to have been in ryan’s age range (she was 30 at the time, ryan was 38), and was also married at the time of their relationship.

brief summary: she and ryan began talking around november 2018, and although she was married, both she and her husband were interested in pursuing a polyamorous relationship/open marriage (im not clear on exactly which, as mj uses the term “polyam,” but what she describes sounds closer to an open marriage which allows for no-strings sex outside of the relationship). mj vented to ryan about her anxieties with pursuing this kind of marriage, and ryan talked her through it and vented about his own marital troubles. they began to flirt in earnest.

in december 2018, mj approached ryan about rumors she had heard of other girls, which ryan of course denied. mj found out later that month that there were indeed others. in january 2019, ryan offered to fly her out to austin for a hook-up (using the money from his twitch account, of course). with her husbands approval, mj went in february, and they spent a while together - but when she returned home, ryan immediately ghosted her, and did not talk to her for a few weeks after. mj notes how disgusted and used she felt after the fact, but something still drew her to him, and they continued to have an on-off “relationship” until as recently as this year, where she notes that their conversations slowed basically to a halt. she ends the doc with an apology to everyone who was hurt by ryan. 

at this point, the stories are likely going to be much more of the same, as it’s clear that ryan had a predetermined system for how he’d approach these hook-ups, so i expect many more stories along these lines in the coming days. 

WEEK 2, DAY 6 (october 16th):

@slayercas/ abandons her twitter account due to continual harassment from yet another “pleaseread” account. do note that this is NOT the same account as before, since that one was deleted and then repurposed - this new one is completely barren, with only two (inexplicable) followers and no tweets or content to speak of. i am hesitant to believe that this is truly ryan, as the message really doesnt sound like something he would send at this point in time - however, i dont believe cas has faked this either (after all, why would she abandon the account if she was faking messages from ryan “for attention”?).

my outstanding theory is that someone completely unrelated has made up the account to mess with cas, as we know for sure that at least one person disbelieved cas enough to take the name of the previous account and say so in their description. on top of that, the fact that some of the numbers included are “911″ - making me think 9/11 - and “88401″ - making me think someone tried to slip in a “1488″ reference, but didnt want it to be obvious - have me skeptical that this is a real ryan throwaway. again, this is complete conjecture; please take it with a grain of salt.

SURVIVORS OF RYAN PT. 2:

at 10:25 am, @survivorsofryan posts this tweet containing this document from an anonymous person. (i will refer to them as UK anon, since that is where they are from.)

brief summary: UK anon starts off by saying that, while they did not sleep with ryan themselves, they know someone who has and is going to allow them to speak out for themselves. moving to themselves, they first spoke to ryan in march 2017, and sent him the usual “thank you for your content” message on his snapchat. they were in a discord group for RT, and apparently a few of them decided to send ryan suggestive pictures, which started off a few sexting relationships between them and him. according to UK anon, one of the discord members flew out - on their own dime - to sleep with him, while others had been sexting with him for a long time and were even still doing so recently. 

UK anon did meet ryan at rtx london in 2018, and was even brought on stage and sat next to him by lawrence sonntag (from funhaus) - she states that she’s fairly certain he recognized her, as he made it a point to be very physically close to her and to touch her quite a bit. she notes that, before this, she and many other girls had long since cut contact with him, and he’d promised he would stop the cheating and sexting with fans (which we, of course, know was a complete lie). she ends by saying that they thought they knew the truth about ryan, that he was simply a liar and cheater, but in actuality he was a sexual predator who’d been manipulating girls all along, and that this has floored her and her friends.

ON THE SPOT #80

as with off topic #177, i was going to put this in miscellaneous, but it is actually a huge moment in the context of this story. someone uncovers this moment from on the spot episode 80 (timestamp is 29:40 if the link doesnt work), in which burnie, barbara, jeremy, and ryan are playing “never have i ever,” and jon puts forth the prompt “never have i ever sent nude pics.” ryan takes a big swig, as does jeremy, and jon presses it by asking both of them if the nudes were sent to “someone other than [their wives].” ryan states that hes “not having this conversation” and that he had a life before he was married, to which barbara “jokingly” responds, “and after!”

burnie, however, looks a bit perturbed and says, “you had a life before your wife before camera phones?” to which ryan responds, “email existed back then, and camera phones.” that seems to cover it, you would think, EXCEPT that ryan is telling an out and out lie.

firstly, as we clearly know, he was sexting many more people than his wife, and quite recently. it was stupid of him to not just lie and say no, honestly, but i think weve come to realize ryan is not that bright. secondly, while ryan got married in 2007, he was dating his wife for a few years before that, as this anonymous contributor confirmed days ago - he was already dating his wife in 2004, when he had an affair with the anon. 

third, he is correct that camera phones and email existed back then - however, the average phone at that time did NOT have a camera, and the ones that did capped at 1.3 megapixels, which tended to look something like this. (forgive the random picture; its all i could find to show what i meant.) note how grainy and small the image is, and also take into consideration that this would have been the camera on a top-of-the-line phone in 2004, NOT the sort of phone the average person would have owned. this is assuming 2004 is the latest year he could have sent such pictures to someone without being in a relationship with his wife; camera phones were almost unheard of pre-2003, so his story completely falls apart there. 

he does have a point about the email aspect, but if we are sincerely considering that he may not be lying here, this would mean that he was finding people online to send nudes to (in a VERY pre-social media world; this wouldve been on like, bbs sites, or miscellaneous blogs/homepages, so it wouldve required some serious searching), taking nudes on a digital camera, manually uploading all the pictures to his computer, sorting out the nudes of choice, and then sending them. i dont think i need to go much further into this to show how quickly the basic concept of this falls apart.

WEEK 2, DAY 7 (october 17th):

not much to say in terms of ryan/his victims so far today, but i think this is relevant, so im going to include it - we instead get a surprise tweet from trevor collins, who was previously accused of cheating on and abusing his ex gf, which contains this statement basically refuting the claims entirely with many screenshots. 

i know absolutely nothing about the original trevor accusation, as i was no longer watching rt when trevor joined the crew and had long since lost interest in rt by the time the accusations began going around, so i cannot speak to the veracity of anything said in here, or of the original accusation. i will decline to state my personal opinion on the document, and instead just link it for you all to peruse. 

CAS PT. 2:

at 7:48 pm, @slayercas/ (OCT. 21 EDIT: the account name is now @otpineedyou) posts this tweet containing a document, describing their own story with ryan. 

brief summary: cas informs us out the gate that she was NOT underage, but rather in her late 20s during all this. she reached out to him to thank him for his content, to which ryan responded in a flirtatious way. things quickly escalated to full on sexting from there. when ryan asked if cas wanted to meet in person, she initially declined, but continued talking to him sexually after he confessed to having an open marriage (and cas notes that he did not say this until after she stated that she was in an open relationship herself). cas shared a story regarding a sexual trauma she had with ryan, which he seemed to empathize with.

once they began talking about dom/sub stuff, ryan got more aggressive in tone, and often brought up things like extreme roughness and choking. if cas asked ryan to stop bringing up things that were traumatic, he would apologize but continue to do so anyway. cas became uncomfortable and decided to forgo all sexual conversations with ryan; if he brought up something suggestive, she would either make an excuse to go or change the subject. he tried to guilt trip her into talking to him, but she did not budge, and eventually had to delete all rt-related accounts to put distance between him and herself. she closes with a message of positivity for others in the same situation.

ANON-2:

around 10 pm, this post is made on r/roosterteeth containing this document. although it is also about ryan, a sizable portion of the doc focuses on the anon’s experience with geoff. (i will be calling them anon-2 just for the sake of intelligiblity. i cant link pictures, so please check the doc for those.) 

brief summary: anon-2 was in their early-mid 20s (in mid 2016) when they discovered rt, and decided to send a snap to all of the cast members who had open snap accounts. ryan replied and, although things started out normal, they quickly became suggestive. at the same time, though, geoff also began talking to anon-2 and things also became flirty with them. they did exchange nudes and sext quite often while geoff was still married, but says they never slept with geoff themselves, although they knew others who did.  

anon-2 ended up hooking up with ryan in person, and as with the other girls, he lied about not sleeping with anyone else, and insisted on not using a condom. they had sex multiple times that weekend, and anon-2 confirms that, like the other girls claimed, ryan was incredibly rough and violent with sex. anon-2 then proceeds to share many screenshots and unseen pictures of ryan, and in addition, provides messages from as recently as october 10th, where she goads him into talking about what all happened. ryan confirms he has spoken to a pr agent and a lawyer, and then makes a very weird non-joke about possibly needing an “anchor marriage” to get out of the country, implying he would ask anon-2 to do this for him. anon-2 finishes the main part of the doc by saying she knows ryan has been seeking out sex from craigslist, and that she was just a part of his grand manipulation scheme all along.

WEEK 3, DAY 1 (october 18th):

barely after midnight, we get yet another r/roosterteeth anon, posting a document detailing their relationship with ryan. much like the others, we can see that ryan followed the same pattern of flattery and kindness, getting them to talk about their mental health issues, goading them into doing things they were not comfortable with, and eventually dropping them when he realized he could not manipulate them like the others. not much else to say about it, but i wanted to catalogue it all the same.

ANON-2 PT. 2:

an update is added to anon-2′s google doc, at the end of page 13, addressing the geoff side of their post. they post candids of geoff in a hotel room, sent to them by a friend who’d slept with geoff. they add a third update later the same day, insisting that, like the girls, geoff had no clue that ryan was a sexual predator. anon-2 goes on to add that geoff never mentioned anything about his wife knowing about his sleeping around, but states that they will not be sharing more information unless given permission to do so from the girls affected. lastly, she begs people to stop hassling millie, geoff’s underage daughter. 

GEOFF’S STATEMENT:

not long after anon-2′s update, geoff releases this statement on r/roosterteeth. he basically lays everything out, saying that he did indeed sext with and have sex with some fans during a period in his marriage where they were trying an open relationship, but that he felt uncomfortable with the imbalance due to the fans knowing so much about him and he so little about them. he goes onto say that he has taken a step back from rt due to extreme stress and mental health issues, and that he has not spoken about the ryan situation due to how overwhelming and upsetting it is. he closes by asking that people not drag his daughter and ex-wife into things, and leave all blame for him.

i am extremely mixed on this; on the one hand, geoff is an extremely skilled writer and speaker, and that is very clear in this document. he makes a point to share - almost to the point of oversharing - the situation between him and his then-wife to explain why he was associating with fans, and then moves past that to discuss his tumultuous personal life. however, he does not address the question of any age differences between him and these fans, and just refers to it as “two consenting adults ... getting to know each other.” 

although this all seems well and good, one huge spanner was thrown into geoff’s story here; this tweet from michelle vologs, which states that ryan explicitly told her that geoff was engaging sexually with fans, and possibly knew some of ryan’s stories himself. notice that the anonymous replier, who is concurring with what michelle said, is the same anonymous twitter account who contacted ryan and adam on september 18th about their nudes leak - several WEEKS before the news dropped publicly. 

although originally i was willing to believe what geoff had to say, as there was little conflicting evidence, michelle’s statement gives me extreme pause. if geoff was sleeping with enough fans that ryan knew about it, the chances of ryan not having mentioned his own experiences is very low - and on top of that, ryan has little to no reason to lie about this, as telling the truth would have actually been detrimental to his career, on the off-chance someone blabbed and it made its way back to geoff. so i am highly skeptical of the whole document.

WEEKS 3-11 (october 19th to january 2nd):

complete radio silence from ryan and adam both for a little under three months. as ryan was stated to have hired a pr agent and/or a lawyer amidst the initial scandal, its pretty easy to surmise that he was advised to just shut up and let things die down, and therefore did so. adam had gone quiet for a much longer time, so it was assumed he would not speak out again. however, people still felt that ryan was likely to try and make a comeback eventually. and, well...

WEEK 11, DAY 1 (january 3rd):

freckles, one of ryans former mods, posts this tweet containing this statement from ryan to his remaining subscribers, thanking them for sticking around and vaguely addressing “what a tough year its been” for him. unsurprisingly, this is met with IMMEDIATE retribution, as the message served as a reminder that a) many people forgot to unsubscribe and unfollow in the initial situation, and b) that ryan was still getting paid by twitch the entire time he was being ousted. this, of course, led to calls for ryan to be banned from twitch completely, given that it was his main vehicle for finding and grooming his victims.

it is unknown why he decided to do this, as it is transparently very stupid, but i think the entire series of events has made it quite clear that ryan is not only unintelligent, but EXTREMELY entitled - ryan couldnt last even a week into the new year before trying to lay the groundwork to return to his career, whereas adam managed to go quiet much earlier and remain that way for a much longer time, to let things cool off more significantly.

WEEK 11, DAY 6 (january 8th):

early in the morning, the owner of kiwifarms, null, posts a thread stating that adam kovic has reached out demanding the removal of his and jess kovic’s nude photos and videos. (reminder that i will not be linking to any threads on kf directly - you will have to seek those out for yourself.) 

recall that, in the initial days of the scandal, the vast majority of the attention was on adam instead of ryan - and that was because of the sheer magnitude of his leaked photos, as well as the question of his wifes consent to their distribution (as most of the pictures/videos of her were taken from behind; with the benefit of hindsight, we can say fairly safely that she probably did not consent to the distribution, and possibly not their being taken either). 

im not exactly sure on the legality of the situation, as null did not leak the photos himself but is allowing them to be hosted on his website, and adam himself would likely be found guilty of revenge porn due to him having been the one to send pictures of his wife without her permission in the first place. as for the pictures of adam himself, i would assume that null is somehow protected from prosecution or else i believe he would have already taken them down. the morality of leaving them up is EXTREMELY questionable, and i would say it probably is tipping over the line into morally wrong, but morality holds very little sway legally and so adam may not actually have any recourse here.

WEEK 13, DAY 4 (january 20th)

in the afternoon, its confirmed by twitter account @streamerbans that ryan haywood has been permabanned from twitch, and has lost his partnership with the website as well. this is obviously SUPER fucking late, as the crux of the scandal happened months ago (in october), but better late than never, i suppose.

his ban seems to be a natural consequence of two things: the obvious catalyst is his VERY bold message to his subscriber, but beyond that, twitch has also updated their rules and codes of conduct to address their handling of sexual harassment on their platform, from fans and streamers alike, and ryans actions fall very clearly over the line of acceptability. while its unknown whether ryans actions have anything to do with the drafting of some of the new rules - the rule against “attempting to coerce others into sexual favors via bribes” specifically seems VERY pointed at him - it is likely that twitch was already drafting these rules before the situation occurred, and ryans doings simply expedited their being put into effect.

in any case, the only sad part of this is how long it took; ryan was getting free money off of his fans who hadnt or couldnt unsubscribe for three months before this ban and the loss of his partnership were put into effect, which is very upsetting, but there isnt much that can be done about it now.

(JAN 30 EDIT: as you can tell, the situation has severely petered out from where it began; originally there were new updates and more information on a daily, almost hourly basis, and so it was necessary to break the story up day by day to get everything. since that is no longer the case, i will not be filling in any gaps between time periods; if something else happens two weeks from now, i will not try to fill in the two week silence, and will just skip to the next big event. apologies if this makes timelines confusing, but ive added weeks AND days to each event to make them easier to follow, so hopefully that helps.

any further updates to this post will go here, to keep the timeline together. everything below this line is optional reading, but i do highly recommend it, as it provides a lot of background context.)

-----

MISCELLANEOUS INFO

this is just a section for anything i think is contextually relevant that doesnt really fit anywhere else, or stuff that is not confirmed but highly suspicious. most of this will provide elucidating background for everything that went down, but none of it is necessary to read. 

LOOKING BACK AT RYAN’S CONTENT:

because of how blindsiding these events have been, people began questioning if there were any tells that we as viewers missed over the years, and began going through old videos and other content to find anything of interest. ill link any relevant videos here with a brief summary of why theyre noteworthy:

- this video features ryan encouraging fans to do “whatever [they] need to get [themselves] to finish” (in reference to masturbating), and when trevor states that “there are laws that constrain us,” ryan says that “as long as you do it [in your head], it’s fine.” here he is clearly justifying his own actions to himself.

- this clip of ryan singing “black or white” by michael jackson, but he changes the lyrics to, “thing about my baby, it dont matter if youre black or white - or 12, or 9, or 8.” yeah.... i dont really need to say much else about that i dont think

- this post about ryan’s cover letter from his initial application to rt. the comment about “that sexy, deep voice that ladies love” wouldve been gross even without context, but with it, it appears that playing casanova with fans may have been his intent from the beginning.

- another video in which ryan “misses his flight because of uber.” he states that he missed his flight because the uber driver who was supposed to arrive didnt want to come and asked him to cancel the drive, forcing him to wait for another driver to be available. while they dont say explicitly, i am fairly certain hes talking about returning from pax west in seattle, which took place in early september - around the time that many of these stories (like tessa’s and michelle’s) take place. more likely than not, he fully lied about this story and was actually late because he was hooking up with a fan.

WHY 2017?:

if you’re paying attention to dates, you may notice that almost all of these events transpired - or began - in 2017. there are a few theories as to why, but ultimately i think the answer is quite simple; 2017 is when ryan made an instagram account, and is likely when he had the most direct access to fans. as was noted, he has had twitter for years and his snapchat was created probably a year or two before, and yet there are little to no stories taking place before 2017. most likely, his making an instagram account saw an influx of messages from fans, primarily teenage girls - a huge demographic on insta - and gave him a platform to begin the grooming process without anyone suspecting him.

CONJECTURE PT. 1: THE MEGGENING:

people began to speculate if ryan and meg are/were having an affair, as they spent quite a bit of time together for work, went on a trip to japan alone together, and have been the center of many a “joke” regarding their relationship, to the point of it sincerely bothering gavin (meg’s boyfriend). there are several clips of the achievement hunter guys making jokes about ryan and meg sleeping together behind gavin’s back, but heres one clip of them doing so with gavin in the room. notice his genuinely uncomfortable reaction.

initially i was ready to write this off as “women evil” conjecture, but honestly after looking into it a bit, i can sincerely see what people are talking about. as i said earlier, i find meg’s statement incredibly suspicious - the fact that she explicitly denies any knowledge of ryan’s doings even though that SHOULD go without saying, and that her message doesnt actually say anything negative about ryan or what he did at all, makes me feel extremely wary of her. 

OCT. 12 EDIT: either yesterday or the day before, meg privated most of the highlights from her japan trip with ryan, but a few of them were luckily archived. here they are, if you’re curious: japan #1, japan #2, japan #3.

CONJECTURE PT. 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO:

in early february, its discovered that ryan haywoods home is up for sale, and has been for quite a while. (i will not be linking the listing for obvious reasons.) the house had been on the market for 63 days at that time, placing its initial listing date in very early december - that would only be two months after the initial story broke. on top of that, with the inclusion of the amount of time it takes to find a realtor and begin the selling process, the selling of the house was likely initiated in mid-to-late november, if not sooner.

there are multiple potential explanations for the selling of the house, of course - its possible they could no longer afford the upkeep due to ryan losing his highly lucrative job, or its possible that they moved to escape harassment from others. i find both of these fairly implausible for different reasons: the former because ryans wife also has a fairly high-paying job, and unless ryan is a complete dumbass, they certainly have enough money saved up to remain in that house if they wanted to. in addition, i find the latter implausible because its highly unlikely anyone was going to their house directly, as i think ryan would definitely have played the victim publicly over something like that.

the most obvious answer to me, given how quickly the house was put up for sale, is that the two have begun divorce proceedings and thus sold the house. finances as a motivator make no sense to me due to the speed with which the house was put up - its highly unlikely they blew through all of their savings in a month - and if they were staying together as a couple, it wouldnt make sense to vacate their home for no reason. of course, this is complete conjecture (thus the header LMAO), but it is interesting to note as it comes into direct contradiction with ryans claims of going to couples therapy with his wife.

RYAN’S TACTICS:

due to the number of accusations against ryan now, a pretty clear picture is painted of him and how he operates. a few things become clear when you put all of this information together. lets break it down bit by bit.

first: the girls. as i mentioned before, michelle notes in her video that ryan seemed to target young girls who were either insecure about themselves/their bodies, or had mental health issues. that pattern does seem to hold up, as all seven of the major accusers (tessa, michelle, leigh, kayla, katie, anon, and megashiny) openly discuss dealing with one or both of these issues in their respective stories. it’s almost undeniable that ryan pursued these types of girls on purpose in order to manipulate them more easily, as well as to have plausible deniability when confronted about them - a phrase which multiple girls have used in reference to him.

second: the method. ryan seems to have consistently used the exact same method of manipulating each of the girls. it goes pretty much like this:

- in early conversations, he is sweet and invested in the girl. once they are a bit more comfortable, he begins to “flirt,” making sexual comments and “jokes” to slowly but surely convince them to sext and exchange nudes with him.

- at the same time, he is sure to tell everyone he knows (mods and the like) about how “crazy” his girl of the week is, guaranteeing that she will not be believed should she try to tell someone what is going on between them

- once the conversations turn sexual, his demeanor changes completely, and he starts to become distant. conversations with him become infrequent to make the girl feel miserable when he is away and over the moon when he decides to talk to her, thus maintaining the constant star-struck feeling and ensuring that she is always just a bit more eager to do what he asks in order to keep him around

- he makes sure to litter conversations with comments about how much he loves his wife and kids, thus ensuring that the girl feels too guilty to let anyone know whats going on at the risk of damaging his relationship with his family

- once he has the girls backed into this corner, he begins reaching out only to talk about sex and to schedule in-person hook ups, and will not talk to the girls otherwise. this goes on over and over until he gets bored or the girl cuts contact with him.

he is consistent with this “defaming, denial, degrading” method, as we can see every single girl make reference to him treating them in the same way. from this, we can conclude one thing - he has a system. he has done this before, and he knows it works. even the girl with the most different experience, katie, was clearly being groomed and sexually coerced with the promise of payment, but when she did not budge ryan switched over to straight up financial manipulation, forcing her to take the money - and therefore making her financially beholden to him - and threatening her with cut contact should she not accept.

ryan also tried to isolate katie from her best friend, kayla, in an effort to prevent her from noticing that he was manipulating and grooming kayla for sex as well, and given that kayla was bullied so thoroughly in HIS community that he was one of the only people she felt safe around, it’s no wonder why he refused to deal with the situation when trick brought it up to him. these are straight up abuser tactics, and while i hesitate to throw that word around, it is clear that ryan is a dangerous, emotionally manipulative sexual predator, who specifically targeted young girls with little to no experience with sex and relationships. he is disgusting, and cruel, and i pray that he experiences the pain he inflicted on these girls ten times over.

[springsteenicious]

i’m sorry i personally don’t like donna, i find her character to be inconsistent, boring, and a mary sue at times. but with listening to you, you make feel bad for not liking her or question my dislike for her. i see why people like her and her appeal but i find myself not to be those people. i saw your post and i’ll be glad to go into more detail about why i don’t care for her character. i honestly just wanted you to see this. also why do you like her if you don’t mind me asking?

You don't have to apologize for not liking Donna. I never meant to make people feel bad for not liking Donna. The post I reblogged, along with my comment, was more about people who rampantly hate Donna not seeing that she has more to her than bad character traits.

i find her character to be inconsistent, boring, and a mary sue at times

That's... exactly what was said in the post. Like, yeah, that's why most people don't like her. But it's not her fault and her character shouldn't be judged on inconsistent writing. When you get down to her true character, she is not at all boring or a Mary Sue.

I personally don't see the point in disliking characters. I like all the characters! Why spend my energy hating someone who doesn't even exist? I don't like Fez's character from season 5-7 (not counting 8 for anything), so I give him the development he needs and write him in a way that I like his character.

i saw your post and i’ll be glad to go into more detail about why i don’t care for her character.

Please don't. Donna is one of my favorite characters in the show, I'd really rather not get an ask detailing her bad qualities. I know she has bad qualities, but that doesn't mean I want someone to point them all out without acknowledging all the great parts of her character.

also why do you like her if you don’t mind me asking?

Where do I start?

She is a strong female character. I am a feminist and I adore seeing strong women on television.

She isn't always traditional. She doesn't always fall in line with outdated gender roles for women. I love breaking gender roles because I'm genderfluid and I like to see people breaking free of restricting roles that society has forced on them because of their gender. I love that she's physically strong, well-read, has ambitions and goals outside of marriage and a family, and is generally just so cool. And she is very much a woman because of all these things.

Again, she has ambitions (at least in seasons 1-4, before her character was ruined a little). She wanted to travel, she wanted to write, she wanted to accomplish so much. At some point, the writers forgot about that and she didn't get to do that. Had she been written consistently, I think she would not have said yes to Eric's proposal and instead suggested that they look for colleges to attend together and move in together after high school. Then they could get engaged later in life.

She supported Jackie (when she wasn't being written inconsistently). She made sure Jackie didn't forget about her pregnancy scare. She made sure Jackie didn't run back to Kelso right after he cheated on her with Laurie. She tried to help Jackie and Hyde make up after Hyde cheated, not because she didn't think Hyde hurt Jackie but because she saw that Jackie loved Hyde. She wanted Jackie to be happy, and she knew she was happy with Hyde. She also knew Hyde really regretted cheating and would make up for it (of course, he didn't, but that's more bad writing and not something a consistent Hyde would do). And a consistent, true-to-character Donna would not have been so hypocritical about Jackie and Hyde being together in the beginning of season 5. That whole thing was super OOC and manufactured for conflict.

She was a feminist. I love it when characters have causes they're dedicated to because I have causes that I'm dedicated to. That passion for something so real helps me connect to the character. I am a feminist and I stand for equal rights for people of all genders, especially trans people. Seeing Donna be passionate about the women's movement is such a cool thing to see. I know her feminism is also written inconsistently, but the main values are there.

I could go on, honestly. But what I really want to wrap this up with is simple: I don't care if you don't like Donna. I am not trying to make you like Donna. I don't want to hear about why you don't like Donna, because I really don't care. I just want people to realize that Donna was a victim of poor writing and her character became unlikeable through that. Her inconsistencies do not indicate her true character.

And I will most likely be writing more long, detailed metas on this subject in the near future. :)

[cakesunflower]

Just My Kind [Teacher!Calum AU] Part 4

Previous Parts: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

           “Everything alright, kiddo? You were pretty quiet at dinner.”

           Odessa inhaled deeply as Grandpa sat down next to her on the step of the back porch, her blue eyes gazing out to the backyard. Grams’ rose bush was thriving, as was her little vegetable garden with growing tomatoes and red bell peppers. Odessa chewed on her lower lip for a moment, trying to push away some of the weight settled on her chest as she told him, “My dad called earlier today. Said he was in town and he wanted to have lunch tomorrow.”

           The phone call hadn’t been one she had been too glad to have received. Her dad had called her right when she’d gotten into her car after school, and the second his name appeared on the screen, Odessa had gaped at it, wondering if she was imagining things. But it was as real as the vibration of her phone in her hand, as real as his voice on the other end when he asked if they could meet up for lunch the next day. Odessa wasn’t sure how many minutes had passed spent with her just sitting in the parking lot after he had hung up, wondering why in the world he wanted to catch up now, basically giving her no choice in the matter.

           “Wow,” Grandpa sounded, resting his arms on his brought up knees as he glanced down at her. “Are you going?”

           “I talked to Mom about it,” Odessa shrugged, gaze on the way she picked at her burgundy painted nails. “She said at the end of the day it was my choice and she’d be fine with whatever I decide. I still don’t know what that is.” Rolling her lips into her mouth and knitting her eyebrows together, Odessa shook her head. “All I know is that I just—I don’t want any kind of relationship with him.”

           She heard Grandpa take in a breath. “Well, if you end up going with an attitude like that, kid, then it’s not going to be very productive, is it?”

           “Who says I want it to be?” Odessa retorted, the frustration evident in her tone as she glanced up at her grandfather. The frown felt heavy on her face as she scoffed. “I’m perfectly fine with getting birthday and Christmas cards from him. He made his choice when he left to live with his secret family.”

           “I understand, sweetheart,” Grandpa stated, his calm tone contrasting with her sharp, bitter one. Odessa couldn’t help but notice how relaxed her normally straight-backed, sharp eyed grandfather was. That wasn’t surprising—he always had been like that with her, at least. But under the topic of her father, Odessa had figured there’d be some tension in his muscles, a glare in his eyes at the mention of the man who cheated on his daughter and all but abandoned his only granddaughter. “Trust me, I ain’t the biggest fan of your dad’s either, but he’s had time to think over what he’s done. Maybe he’s just trying to make things right. Be your dad again.”

           Odessa scoffed once again, running her tongue along the inside of her lower lip as a gentle breeze tickled her skin. “Yeah, nearly ten years later,” she muttered, twisting the bracelet she wore. Her chest felt heavy, the mere topic of her father churning her stomach as she tried not to fall into the pit of hurt and betrayal she had felt when he first left. Her mom had been so angry and Odessa had been so confused, hurt, and with his call, she was left wondering if she’d moved on from it. “I don’t need a dad again,” she added quietly. “I’ve got you.”

           She felt Grandpa’s arm wrap around her shoulders, pulling her into his side as he pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “That you do, kid,” he said with a soft chuckle, rubbing at her arm as Odessa wrapped her arms around his waist. He smelled like tobacco and wood, a combination she’d become so used to and loved. “Listen, Odessa, if you want to go and hear what he has to say, that’s alright. If it’s too much and you decide against it, that’s fine, too. At the end of the day, it’s your decision. You’ve got our support.”

           The next day, Odessa arrived to the cafe about ten minutes before she was meant to meet up with her dad. Those extra minutes were spent sitting in her car, hoping for the music that played loudly through the radio would be enough to distract her from what she was about to do. She’d spent the night before and this morning considering her options, knowing she needed to make her mind up quickly because she was chaperoning the school’s Fall Festival dance later tonight, but kept wondering if showing up to have lunch with her dad would be worth it. Truth be told, she didn’t think it would be.

           She had become an expert in bottling up her feelings, only letting them out in her journal to keep it a secret between the pages. Ten years later and Odessa still hadn’t let her dad know how hurt she was with what he did, how he made both her and her mom feel completely worthless, like they could be so easily replaced—which was what he essentially did. He never even apologized for his actions, not to Odessa at least, and maybe this lunch was his opportunity to do so. But Odessa doubted it would change anything. He did what he did, and there was no going back. Frankly, she couldn’t help but feel she was only going to end up getting hurt by the end of this cursed lunch. She might as well get it over with.

           It was easy to spot her dad in the cafe. He’d aged over the past ten years, of course. With his thick dark hair peppered with gray and silver scruff spread along his chin and jaw. But Odessa still recognized him—though not as the man she’d spent the first fifteen years of her life looking up to. He no longer belonged on that pedestal.

           “You look well, sweetheart.” Odessa pressed her teeth together once she had settled in the chair across from him, biting her tongue to keep herself from telling him not to call her that. It felt wrong. “All grown up,” he added with a short chuckle.

           Yeah, ten years has that effect. “How long are you in town for?” Odessa asked after she’d forced a smile at his statement. The small talk was already starting off awkward, trapped in a bubble of tension amidst the busy cafe.

           “I head back tomorrow,” he answered. “Promised Alex I’d make it back in time for her dance recital.”

           Right. Alex. Her half-sister who was, what, eleven years old by now? Odessa had never met her—or Georgie, her seven year old half-brother—who all lived in Seattle with her dad and his wife, Louisa—the woman he’d been cheating on her mother with. Frankly, Odessa didn’t want to know them, or have any kind of relationship with any of them. Although she knew she couldn’t blame the kids, Odessa still harbored resentment towards her father and his new family—towards Louisa, who knew fully well that he was a married man with a daughter and yet still stayed with him, had a kid with him.

           It wasn’t often Odessa took the time to think about them, but when she did, her blood boiled, threatening to give into a reaction far more explosive than she’d like.

           Before Odessa could say anything, a waitress appeared, asking if they were ready to order. She barely glanced at the menu, eyes catching the option of buffalo macaroni and cheese, which was what she decided on. She wasn’t that hungry, the nerves of sitting across from a man she hadn’t seen in so long killing her appetite.

           “So, uh,” Odessa spoke up, clearing her throat as she glanced around the cafe. They were sat by a window, giving them a view of the busy Los Angeles foot traffic. “Why’d you want to meet?”

           She didn’t miss the way his smile faltered, probably wishing for the small talk to continue some more. But it had been difficult for Odessa to show up to the cafe, to find the courage and pride to accept his offer in the first place. She just kind of wanted to get this over with.

           “Well, uh,” her dad cleared his throat, sitting up in his seat. “I was in town for some business and I remembered you’re staying with your grandparents so I just—I wanted to catch up.”

           Oh, right. The only reason he knew she was living in Los Angeles was because of their yearly phone calls. That’s what he did. He’d sent her a birthday card with some money and then on her actual birthday gave her a call. They’d talk for a couple of minutes, she’d answer his questions without asking any of her own, and that was it. Last year he’d asked her how teaching back in Ely was going, and she mentioned she had taken a job in Los Angeles and was moving there a few weeks later. The fact that he remembered that—it didn’t do anything for Odessa, honestly. She realized, not for the first time, that she didn’t care if he remembered any details about her or her life. She felt numb to it.

           “Right,” Odessa said, not entirely ready to dive into an uncomfortable silence, so she forced herself to ask, “How are Alex and Georgie?”

           Odessa couldn’t help the way her fingers curled into fists under the table as her dad started talking about her half siblings. How Alex was really into dance and Georgie was showing a lot of interest in baseball. How they were so smart for their ages, so funny. Odessa noticed the light in his hazel eyes when he spoke of them, the love he had for them, and she was left wondering if he ever spoke of her that way. When he met people back in Seattle, did he only ever mention Alex and Georgie? Had he ever brought up his daughter from his first marriage—the college graduate, the teacher? Was he proud of her accomplishments the way he was theirs?

           Did she want him to be?

           No, she realized, she didn’t. But the envy still burned her veins—not that her half siblings were receiving the father that had belonged to her first, but that they wouldn’t have had him in the first place had he not stepped out on Odessa’s mom—on her. They apparently weren’t enough for them, so he found something more.

           As Odessa ate her food, more so she was distracted momentarily than feeding a lack of hunger, her father asked, “How’s your mother?”

           She heard the hesitation in his voice and her grip on her spoon tightened. Keeping her gaze on her bowl, she responded, “She’s good. Fell back in love with being a flight attendant.” With a slight scoff, Odessa added, “I guess everyone needed a change.”

           “So she left to fly around the country without anyone to look after you?” Her dad scoffed. “That’s—”

           “No, she didn’t,” Odessa snapped, her tone hardening as her gaze narrowed into a glare directed at the silenced man across from her. She wasn’t about to sit there and let her dad scoff at her mom—who gave him the right? “She waited until I left for college because you weren’t there to look after me, were you?”

           There had been a lid on her anger, one that instantly burst off the second her dad tried to paint her mother as a villain. Odessa wasn’t going to let that happen, not in a million years. If there was a villain in this story, it was the man sitting across from her.

           He put down the sandwich he’d been eating, jaw tightening briefly as he started, “Odessa—”

           “No—what gives you the right to look down on Mom for restarting her career?” Odessa questioned sharply. She kept the level of her voice even, not one to cause a scene in a busy Los Angeles restaurant, no matter how pissed off she was getting. It was only a matter of time until she did, anyway. Her dad just casually trying to insult her mother was not going to sit right with Odessa, and she sure as hell wasn’t going to stand for it. “She needed to do something after the shit you pulled.”

           Odessa could tell that he was figuring out that he was losing control of the situation, losing whatever little patience she had for him. He inhaled sharply as he leaned forward. “Look, I know what I did was wrong, but—”

           “Wrong?” Odessa repeated with an incredulous scoff, shaking her head at him as her eyes narrowed in contempt. “Are you even sorry that you cheated on Mom? That you completely walked out on your family for a newer model?” She put down her spoon, her already wavering appetite completely gone with a churn of her stomach. “Call it a choice or a mistake, whatever makes you feel better, but you—”

           “It wasn’t a mistake.” His words silenced Odessa, her voice dying in her throat as she looked at him, eyebrows drawn together as his hazel eyes met her blue. Her throat tightened when he continued, “If I said it was a mistake, then that’d be like saying my kids were mistakes—which they aren’t. I love my family, Odessa, and I’m sorry that their existence came from hurting you and your mother—but I will never say they’re mistakes.”

           His words felt like a slap to her face, enough to make her eyes sting with frustrated, hurt tears she refused to let fall. She knew this would end up hurting her. Knew that whatever he had to say would not be what she wanted to hear—which she didn’t even know was what. Logically, Odessa knew it was unfair to get him to admit to his mistakes, his choices, if it meant bad mouthing his kids. But Odessa would be lying if she said she would be satisfied to hear it. Now, to know—to have it be confirmed—that he was happy, content with his new family after destroying the one he had at first, had Odessa realizing that she was so better off without him. She didn’t want him or his damn birthday cards. She didn’t want to know about Louisa or Alex or Georgie—she didn’t care.

           Fifteen years with her father was all she was going to get. And Odessa would rather visit those memories, if she ever wanted to, than give another thought to him or his new family now.

           She’d gotten an apology. A shitty, backhanded one, and she knew that was all he was capable of.

           “Wow,” Odessa finally sounded, the word accompanied by an empty laugh as she leaned back in the chair. Gaze meeting his somewhat apologetic, yet stern, one, she gave a shake of her head and mused dryly, “Aren’t you just father of the fucking year?”

           His eyebrows drew together, the situation lost. “Odessa—”

           She was already grabbing her bag, uncaring of the food she’d barely eaten as she stood up, successfully holding back the tears that threatened to fall. “You can hold off on the birthday and Christmas cards—they end up in the trash, anyway.”

*****

           Something was weighing down on Odessa, and Calum couldn’t ignore the need to help her—not that he’d ignore that instinct in the first place. She looked troubled the moment she arrived into the transformed cafeteria, tables set up in a way to provide a dance floor in the middle, and decorated with pumpkins and leaves and streamers of the orange, red, and yellow variety. String lights had been set up along the ceiling and on the tables with the food, providing a soft glow throughout the room, but it didn’t do much to hide the trouble that danced across her features, which Odessa failed to hide behind the smiles she offered everyone else.

           She had greeted him briefly, which was when Calum had noticed something was off, but Odessa had quickly been pulled away by Justine Greggs, gone with a flutter of the long, deep red dress she wore that made her blue eyes pop.

           But Calum had realized, amidst chatting with a few of his students, that Odessa wasn’t around, that he hadn’t been able to spot her for a while, and he couldn’t help the furrow of his eyebrows as he glanced around while approaching Justine. “Hey, Justine,” he greeted the AP Lit teacher, offering her a smile as he asked, “D’you know where Odessa is?”

           “Oh,” Justine blinked before her gaze wandered around in search for the woman in question before finally looking at Calum and saying, “Well, she told me she was going to the bathroom, but that was a few minutes ago.”

           Calum nodded, an absent, “Alright, thanks,” slipping past his lips before he turned to walk in direction of the doors, exiting the cafeteria and heading towards the nearest bathrooms.

           But to get there he had to pass the teachers lounge, and he would’ve walked right past it, too, if it weren’t for the single light on inside that caught his attention. He came to a quick stop, eyebrows subtly drawn together as he neared the door that was ajar, finding exactly who he was looking for seated on the couch, gazing out the window into the dark courtyard.

           She hadn’t noticed him enter the room, facing the window with her arms folded on top of the back of the couch, legs folded as the skirt of her long dress spread on her lap, the heels of her shoes just barely poking out. For the moments she didn’t notice him, Calum took the opportunity to admire the glow of the lamp against her, mixed with the soft moonlight filtering through the window she was peering out of. Odessa was lost in deep thought, unaware of his presence as he took a tentative step forward, hesitant on disturbing her and the silence she was finding comfort in.

           Except it had been difficult for Calum to ignore the troubled look she had worn upon her arrival, itching at him to make sure she was alright because that’s what friends did, right? And they were friends. Just friends. But he wouldn’t focus on that now.

           Licking his lips, Calum finally spoke up, gently, “Odessa?” He heard her release a small gasp at the sound of his voice, head instantly turning towards him before her shoulders relaxed upon realizing who was in the room with her. Calum offered her a small, somewhat sheepish smile as he slowly approached her, watching as she let out a breath while he asked, “What’s going on? You alright?”

           “Yeah, yeah—crap, sorry,” she said through a nervous chuckle, shifting so her lower back leaned against the arm rest of the couch. She looked up at him, a sheepish smile on her face as she said, “I didn’t mean to disappear.”

           When she made a move to get up from the couch, Calum held his hand out to stop her. “Hold on, hold on—I’m sure a couple of more minutes won’t hurt.” Odessa relaxed as he sat down on the couch as well, left elbow propped up on the top of the couch as he got a closer look at her. She kept pursing her pink lips, the subtlest of frowns on her face above downcast eyes. Calum didn’t like seeing her so. . . Off. “What’s bothering you?”

           “Life?” Odessa answered with a dry chuckle and Calum’s lips quirked, recognizing her feeble attempt of deflection. She let out a long sigh, running her fingers through her dark hair to push is back. She looked out the window, jaw working momentarily. “I had lunch with my dad today—it went as well as you’d expect.”

           Calum’s expression fell, teeth pressing together as he gazed at the furrow between her eyebrows. He knew from what Odessa had told him that she didn’t have a good, or any, relationship with her father ever since he left her and her mom. Judging by how down she looked, lunch hadn’t been gone over too well. “I’m sorry about that.”

           She clicked her tongue, waving him off. “Nothing to be sorry about,” she responded with a shrug. “I knew it was only going to upset me but I went anyway. It was a stupid decision.”

           Calum was silent, unable to smooth out the crease in his eyebrows as he watched her profile. He didn’t think anything he could say to Odessa would help. He was lucky enough to have a good relationship with both of his parents, though they were divorced as well. And as difficult as it had been to watch their marriage fall apart when he was young, his parents didn’t let it affect their individual relationships with Calum. Knowing Odessa wasn’t as lucky as he was in the matter had his chest tightening, the need to help out his friend great but the inability of doing so unsettling.

           “I think,” Calum slowly spoke up, picking his words carefully as Odessa glanced at him. He offered a small, encouraging smile. “I think what you need right now is to get your mind off of it, instead of sitting by yourself and letting your thoughts weigh you down.” Odessa quirked an eyebrow as Calum got to his feet, putting on a smile for her as he offered his right hand. “Let’s dance.”

           He watched her blue eyes glance down at his hand before meeting his gaze, something flickering in her eyes that he couldn’t quite place. Calum briefly wondered if it was hesitance, but as quickly as that look in her eye appeared, it was gone. It seemed Odessa came to a silent decision over something, allowing for a smile to quirk on her lips as she placed her hand in his, and Calum felt a relaxed smile grow as he tightened his hold to allow her to shift her legs, dress in mind, before standing.

           Calum reluctantly let her hand go, immediately missing the warmth of her touch as they made their way out of the teacher’s lounge, flexing his fingers as he allowed for Odessa to walk out first before following her after shutting the light off.  They wandered down the hall towards the cafeteria, the muffled music growing louder the closer they got to it, and right as they entered the crowded room, the song changed into one Calum recognized as Finally / Beautiful Stranger by Halsey, and he felt a smile tug at the corner of his lips.

           “Right on time,” he hummed, earning an amused raise of an eyebrow from Odessa, before her gaze dropped to his hand, which he offered her once again. “Shall we?”

           She smiled, sweet and pretty, accepting his hand for a second time as he led her to the center of the room where many students had paired off, even some teachers. His left hand gripping her right, Calum rested his right hand on Odessa’s hip as her other rested on his shoulder, and he could pick up on the way her lips curled up in a small, shy smile as they both swayed to the ballad playing through the cafeteria.

           He tried not to focus too much on their proximity, this closeness between them new and familiar all at once. He tried to keep his attention on their movements, and not on how this kind of closeness with Odessa was something he had been silently wanting. Calum bit the inside of his cheek, willing those thoughts away. They were just friends, colleagues—he couldn’t be thinking of her this way, couldn’t be thinking of her as anything more than what she was. Despite her smile making his heart race, her laugh hitching his breath, her touch sending electricity shooting through his veins—Calum shouldn’t dive deeper into whatever feelings he was developing.

           But, God, he couldn’t help it. Because the more he got to know her, the harder it was to keep himself from falling for Odessa. And how couldn’t he? She was proving herself to be everything he looked for in a woman, and more.

           “Thanks, Calum,” she murmured, blue eyes lifting to meet his dark ones. The appreciation danced in her eyes and being this close to her, Calum was teased by the fruity scent that delightfully clung to her. If he were to guess, he’d say it was watermelon, which he found himself enjoying. When she noticed the subtle raise of his eyebrow, she continued, “For dragging me out of the lounge. I’m kind of irritated I let it get to me at all.”

           Calum clicked his tongue. “No need to thank me, Essa.” He wasn’t quite sure when he started calling her that, having heard Luke utter it a couple of times, but soon enough it was slipping from Calum’s lips and she didn’t seem to mind, so it stuck. “I think it’s perfectly normal for you to feel like that—just know that I’m here to listen.”

           Her smile was grateful, soft in her features, and the sight of it had a beat or two of Calum’s heart skipping. He meant what he said—he enjoyed this relationship he and Odessa had fallen into, a camaraderie during school hours and a genuine friendship outside of it. It was easy to talk to her, to joke around, the two of them finding a rhythm far quicker than Calum would have ever expected to. Getting drinks with her and everyone else on the weekends was relaxing, but so was finding Odessa in the teacher’s lounge during their lunch breaks and chatting about their lesson plans and their favorite novels that aren’t on the roster to teach their students. He’d get to know her as every day passed, finding out that the favorite writer she taught was Edgar Allan Poe and a certain professor in college made her develop a hatred for Herman Melville. He didn’t blame her—he preferred Nathaniel Hawthorne’s works, himself.

           “I appreciate it all the same,” Odessa told him. Calum kept the smile on his face, despite feeling the breath silently hitch in his throat when she gave his hand a grateful squeeze. Then, with a gentle laugh, she teased, “You’re a solid work-husband.”

           He grinned, the warmth of her smile sinking into his skin as they continued swaying to the gentle melody of the song. Calum couldn’t help but think chaperoning school dances just got a whole lot better with Odessa with him.

--

tags: @irwinkitten @sweetcherrymike @meetashthere @astroashtonio @loveroflrh @softforcal @loverofhood @captain-what-is-going-on @angelbbycal @singt0mecalum @hopelessxcynic @lfwallscouldtalk @bodhi-black @findingliam-o @softlrh @highfivecalum @calumsmermaid @erikamarie41 @quintodosuniversos @longlastingdaydream @babylon-corgis @lukehemmingsunflower @miss-saltwatercowgirl @pastelpapermoons @conquerwhatliesahead92 @rotten-kandy @metangi @ohhmuke @mindkaleidoscope @5sos-and-hessa @trustmeimawhalebiologist @vxlentinecal @pettybassists @vaporshawn @lu-my-golden-boi @visualm3nte @isabella-mae13 @dontjinx-it @lifeakaharry @neonweeknds @antisocialbandmate @ixcantxdecidexwhosxmyxfave @calpalbby @grreatgooglymoogly @sunnysidesblog @miahelizaaabeth @dramallamawithsparkles @kaytiebug14 @hoodskillerqueen @bitchinbabylon @empathycth @xhaileyreneex @inlovehoodx @bloodlinecal @sublimehood @madbomb @raabiac @britnicole11 @outofmylimitcal @wildflower-cth @bloodmoonashton @vxidhood @gosh-im-short @thesubtweeter @mycollectionofnuts @cthwldflwr @everyscarisahealingplace​ @socorroann​ @talkfastromance4​ @calumftduke​ @musichoney​ @treatallwithkindness​ @partlysunnycal​ @dead-and-golden​ @kaeleykaeley​ @harrys-sun-flower​ @br-hoe​