#it got me so hard it was so fucking funny GOD lets go dysfunctional gay vampires

[voulezvulcan]

my one braincell is currently on loop on that shot of lestat and louis' coffins and lestat going "I don't like going to bed angry"

[im-the-pride-of-canceledmarines]

(OK this one MAY be ridiculously funny.... https://www.buzzfeed.com/benhenry/bottom-your-way-to-the-top )

1. How long does it take you to prepare for sex?

Jimbo: Well it depends...you can’t just quickly jump into a shower when you’re on a camping trip...And it’s not like I am refusing to wash my favourite sweater....*slightly frowns at Ned*

Ned: *returns a look of: What? I can’t smell anything wrong with it...*

(J: Huh? I just get down to it)

Ned: Mhhh I hate this question mhhh.......*refers to his erectile dysfunction*

(N: It's an extensive procedure that has no time limit)

2. What's your favourite sex position?

Jimbo: Hey why is there just one oral option?! And what about titties? There’s nothing better then a good titjob, right Ned?

Ned: Mhhhh I think they only refer to gay actions over here mhhh.

Jimbo: But that’s not fair! I mean, we’re not even gay!

Ned: ....... Mhhh bi is partly gay man mhhh. Mhhhhh and when was the last time you mhhhh got a titjob mhhh outside a threesome with a guy mhhh?

Jimbo: Uhm.......Now listen, listen, that’s not quite fair to reduce it to guys. What  about lesbians?

Ned: ..........mhh you are not a lesbian Jimbo mhhh.

Jimbo: Alright alright! I’ll just choose the same as you.

Ned: ......Mhhhh I take the last option mhhh every position is the best when done right mhhhhhh.

Jimbo: Well if you say every position then it also means every hole..........

Ned: Mhhhh stoma’s don’t count mhhh! *glares, pulling up his turtleneck*

(J/N: Something else)

3. Where’s your favourite place to have sex that’s not in bed?

Jimbo: Who on earth would choose a car?! I mean I get it for a handjob or a quick sucking, but sex? It’s uncomfortable and I don’t want to get cum on my seats! Once and never again!

Ned: *silentely stares at Jimbo thinking: Once?* *He raises an eyebrow wondering when that ‘once’ may have been since he can’t remember ever fucking Jimbo inside the truck.*

Jimbo: ......ah....it....it was a one night stand........nevermind......*mumbles a silent curse*

Ned: ......... *shrugs it off*

Jimbo: ..........anyway why do it in the car when you could do it next to the campfire? Outside any time!

Ned: Mhhh yeah mhhh me too mhhh. *smiles tilting his head, looking forward to their next trip*

(J/N: Outside)

4. How kinky would you say you are?

Jimbo: Ah come on! How on earth does this determin whether I pound or take it in the butt?! I mean just because I am a little kinky.....*wants to check a little kinky but nothing too wild*

Ned: *shakes his head* Mhhh you’re into some freakish stuff mhhh. *rubs his neck, considering to put on his stoma protection*

Jimbo: Hey! Don’t compare me to your ex-wife!

(J: Pretty kinky, I like to be creative)

Ned: Mhhhh no more mhhh ‘creative’ mhhh advice from Garrison mhhh and we’re good mhhhh.........

(N: Very kinky, I'm into some seriously freaky stuff)

Jimbo: Well that’s a quite bold option you chose there, Neddie....

Ned: Mhhhh who said I was mhhhh talking about being the sub mhhh?

Jimbo: *gulps a little nervously*

5. Has anybody ever called you "daddy" in bed?

Jimbo: *blushes* Uhm........

Ned: *smiles at him with a cheeky grin mouthing the word ‘daddy’*

Jimbo: *ears are glowing from redness* God damnit Ned don’t do that! It feels awkward.....you...you know why........

(J: Yes, and I hated it)

Ned: ............

(N: No, and I want it to stay that way)

6. Which of these kind of dates would you be happy to go on?

Jimbo: Well that was an easy one! *without hesitating*

(J: A couple of drinks)

Ned: ....... *also without hesitating*

(N: The theatre)

Jimbo: Wait what?! *glares at Ned*

Ned: Mhhh what mhhh?.........Mhhh that’s where I took my girlfriend mhhh if we could afford mhhh. Mhhhh would go mhhh drinking with mhhh /you/ mhhh anytime mhhh.

Jimbo: Well I hope so! You almost started to get me worried buddy.......

7. If you went on a dinner date, what would you choose off the menu?

Jimbo: Well let’s see.......I think I’ll take the classic burger.....

(J: A burger)

Ned: .......mhhh you can’t be serious man mhhh.

Jimbo: Now listen, this is America! In no other place you can go to a fancy restaurant and /still/ get a burger.

Ned: Mhhh steak for me mhhh.

Jimbo: Phew....good to see you’re still the old one! Your last answer almost made me fear you’d chose the vegetarian option.

Ned: Mhhh I’d rather starve mhhh.

(N: Steak)

8. How do you like to split the bill on a date?

Jimbo: Well that depends.........

Ned: ........mhhh a gentleman pays mhhh.

(N: I like to treat the guy, so I'd pay)

Jimbo: Well....I mean.....it depends whether I can, you know.....’Buy him one’....without it looking weird......

(J: I prefer the bill to be split equally)

9. What's your favourite sexual asset on another guy?

Jimbo: Ah............if I chose dick that means.................GOD DAMNIT I’M NOT TAKING IT IN THE BUTT!!!!! *wants to klick ass*

Ned: Mhhhhooohmmmm....I know someone who mhhhh couldn’t stop staring at mine mhhhh.

Jimbo: Well....can’t deny that......*cough*.....I mean just because I.......I like a nice dick doesn’t mean I am...one of /those/ guys......you know......

(J: Dick)

Ned: Mhhh arse for me mhhh. *grins* Mhhh though I doubt mhhh there’ll ever be one as mhhh good as yours mhhh.

Jimbo: *pulls his hat over his ears blushing hard and biting his lips*

(N: Ass)

10. What do you think is your better asset?

Jimbo: *blushing even more* God damnit Ned just chose any of it, I....I just want to get over with this........

Ned: *smirks knowingly*

(J: Ass)

Ned: Mhhhh length doesn’t matter mhhh. Mhhh it’s how you use it mhhh.

Jimbo: *mumbles* ......yeah..../if/ you get it hard....

Ned: Mhhhh shut up man mhhh. *hesitates then frowns mutely and choses both instead of dick*

(N: I like both equally)

11. How many sex toys do you own?

Jimbo: Ah heck I am not into those rubbery dicks......*gaze quickly darts over to Ned’s voicebox*

Ned: ........ *eyes his voicebox and his prothetic arm suspeciously and make a little disgusted sound*

Jimbo: .......uhm....let’s split our toys up for this, ok?

Ned: *burps* ....no...

Jimbo: What?! Come on Ned! I don’t use this.....this THING Garrison gave me!

Ned: ...........*rolls his eyes and stays silent since he’s not in the mood for debates now*

Jimbo: Alright so...uhm....let’s just pretend it was his birthday present for /you/ then you have.......*calculates silently* ......wait what counts as sex toy anyway?

Ned: ........ *pouts and doesn’t want to use his voicebox right now*

Jimbo: Technically the whip counts as well and.......anything that isn’t inserted right? *he thinks a little more* ........./TECHNICALLY/ military tools count as well.....you know if it’s a fetish......I mean heck people can sell everything in those stores if it turns someone on.

(J/N: I have enough to stock a shop)

Ned: *tries to keep his face unresponding but can’t help chuckling mutely at Jimbo’s answer*

Jimbo: What? They didn’t specify WHAT toy!

Ned: Mhhh ha ha ha mhhh gives a wrong impression Jimbo mhhh.......*he freezes staring at his voicebox.....yuck......don’t think about where Jimbo may have put this. Better disappear into the bathroom and desinfect to to make sure*

12. Do you own a douche?

Jimbo: *responds for Ned while he’s in the bathroom*

(J: No)

(N: Yes)

Ned: .............*reads the answer* ............mhhh it’s because of the opiates Jimbo mhhh. Mhhhh that doesn’t count mhhhh.

Jimbo: A douche is a douche Neddie ~ *he grins* My little bottom ~ *lifts the phone up in the air keeping it out of reach so Ned can’t jump and grab it to change his answer*

Ned: *jumps although he has no chance* ....!!!

13. The first time you had sex with a guy, did you top or bottom?

Ned: *growls silently as he has his phone back and realizes he can’t change Jimbo’s answer anymore* ............

(N: I topped)

Jimbo: *tickles Ned gently under his chin* Hmmm? I doubt someone’s being honest......~

Ned: *burps* Was...not....with....you....*pouts*

Jimbo: ......Well I sure know what I did during /our/ first time. *wants to choose top*

Ned: .....*grabs his voicebox* Mhhhh yeah mhhh......you sucked me off on the ferrie’s wheel mhhh.

Jimbo: Ah.....that.......that doesn’t count! They mean my first /anal/ sex!

Ned: Mhhhh who complained about mhhhh lack of mhhh oral options mhhhh........?

Jimbo: *gnashes his teeth and chooses bottom deeply regretting what he did in nam*

(J: I bottomed)

14. The last time you had sex with a guy, did you top or bottom?

Jimbo: *makes a short relieved prayer* Thanks Jesus for not giving Ned a hard one.......!

(Jesus: *who just happened to pass by outside the window can be heard through the window* “I told you to leave me alone!” )

(J: I topped)

Ned: .......................*refrains from praising Jimbo for his satisfying performance last night*

(N: I bottomed)

15. If you had sex right now, would you want to top or bottom?

Jimbo: I will of course..........*realizes that Ned seems to be sunken on the sofa next to him, sadly looking at his crotch*

Ned: ..........*suffers silently*

Jimbo: I will..........*bites his lip looking between his devastated partner and the option ‘top’, the option ‘top and bottom’ and the last option.* ............I.....I will of course...........*softly* bottom,.....if.......if that is what you want......Neddie....

Ned: ....... *looks up and leans his head against Jimbo’s arm*

Jimbo: So you....you would love to Neddie.....? I mean.......we can.......we can sure find a way to make it work if.........if we give it enough time......*softly pets over Ned’s cheek*

Ned: Mhhh it’s ok man mhhhh.............mhh you know I love both mhhh. *smiles a little leaning into the soft touch*

Jimbo: Me......me too......Suppose I just....uhm......you know, who gives a damn what a dumb online quiz says about us? We are /both/ real guys!

Ned: .....Mhhh yeah mhhh. Mhhh fuck those gay roles mhhh. Mhhhh we’re bi mhhh!

Jimbo: YEAH! You say it! *gives Ned a poke against the shoulder* Screw that quiz!

Ned: ............mhhh curious nevertheless mhhh. *smirks a little*

Jimbo: Alright alright I proceed...............

(J/N: I would want to top and bottom)

Ned: *snuggles against Jimbo, smiling*

Jimbo: Alright your result is.........

(N: You Got: 41% top and 59% bottom!)

Ned: Mhhh fair enough mhhh...now yours mhhh.

Jimbo: Ah damn......you know Ned I am.......I am not feeling comfortable with those......you know.....roles..........

Ned: Mhhh come on mhhh. Mhhh it’s just for fun mhhh. *snuggles him* Mhhhhhh you’re my favourite husband anyway mhhh whatever they say mhhh.

Jimbo: Awww Neddy....*kisses him on the mouth quickly* Alright, alright bring it on!

(J: You Got: 51% top and 49% bottom!)

Ned: *grins* Mhhhhh I love your result Jimbo mhhhh.

Jimbo: *hides his eyes behind his hands, too scared of seeing it* I......I am a top Ned........Neddie right? Please....please don’t tell me I am a pansy.....I........I don’t take it in the butt. I mean....maybe I do but........but it doesn’t mean I am a fag.......I am a manly guy.......Right Ned? It says top......

Ned: .............

Jimbo: *snif* *too scared of looking*

Ned: Mhhhh it says top mhhhh.

Jimbo: It....it does. But.......but how much of it?

Ned: .........mhhhh more top then bottom mhhhh.

Jimbo: *relieved almost crying* I knew it, I knew I’m not a pansy......

Ned: Mhhh don’t worry man mhhh. Mhhh more then 80 percent top mhhh. Mhhhh you’re probably more mhhh top then any other guy in the whole town mhhhh.

Jimbo: Really?

Ned: *puts the phone away as Jimbo opens his eyes* Mhhh yup mhhh. Mhhhh you’ve topping a former box champion mhhh and you’re smashing him mhhh better then his opponents ever did mhhh. Mhhh what more proof you’d need mhhh?

[hjertetssunnegalskap1]

The Skam Characters` Personalities and their Complexity

I don’t write a lot of metas but I had to write down some words. I have heard some say that the Skam characters didn’t get a lot of personality. And that made me think. Because in my eyes, their personalities and their developments are one of the strengths of this show. We get so close to some of the characters that we can feel what they feel. That just doesn’t sound like “not a lot personality” to me.

In my eyes, the characters’ core personalities are most important for the story, and those are pretty clear. It’s pretty obvious that Julie and the other writers have had introvert and extrovert traits in mind, and traits like emotion-focused or thought focused. The characters also have well known personality issues, like a strive to get more independent (Eva, Even) vs. a strive to dare to trust others (Noora, Isak, Sana).

These aspects of the characters are clear, and we get hints from the start about Jonas’ individualism and Eva’s dependency, for instance. The characters also have more shallow traits, of course, like their interests. These details, like their favourite colours or hobbies, are maybe not that important when you have whole and believable characters, and we don’t get much of them. But we do get some hints, and they add some flavour.

Here are some of my thoughts about what we learn about the characters’ personalities and interests, and to me, it seems like it’s quite a lot:

Eva is written and acted as kind, outgoing, impulsive and easily influenced. She is also struggling to know what she wants and stand up for herself. We learn that she wants to get new friends and that she has a need to be accepted. She seems to fear to be left alone, both by Jonas, her friends and others. We know that she came to Oslo when she was 12 and that she has lost the first friends she got back then. She has a loving mom, but is often left alone. We don’t know much about her interests, but she dresses up as a ballerina at Halloween, and it’s easy to imagine that she likes to dance (Andem did let the actors’ traits influence the characters more than once). She struggles with school when she’s feeling down. She winds down with reality shows when she does, too. She’s against using drugs like weed.

Jonas seems to be more laid back. He sees the best in most people around him and seems to dislike conflict (he avoids to tell Eva about the weed to avoid an argument, for instance, and he avoids to tell her that he invites Elias to the cabin). He seems to like independence and he has ideals like equality and solidarity that he likes to live by. He seems to be a good listener and he knows how to put people at ease. At first, he doesn’t see his own role in messing up the relationship with Eva, but he seems to learn as time goes. He likes to write, he loves to skate, listen to 90-ies hip-hop, hang with his friends and smoke weed.

Noora is independent, tough, rational, critical and can be perceived as rigid (“to fiskekaker klokka fem”). Noora wants to do the right thing. She goes to women’s marches and she wants to support the Syrian refugees. She has high ideals and good values like equality, solidarity and feminism but can be a little judgemental. She has a history with self-obsessed parents and an eating disorder. She seems to have some trust issues (but not as much as her slightly assholey love interest William). She’s embarrassed that she likes Justin Bieber, but learns to loosen up and own it.

William is a guy with some serious trust issues. He comes from a wealthy family on the west side of Oslo and has a way with words. His parents seem to be pretty distanced and his family is quite dysfunctional. His brother has serious issues. William will hold back the truth in an attempt to protect the ones he loves, and he doesn’t see how that’s a problem. He’s been fucking around, partly because it’s expected of him, and partly to protect himself from pesky emotions (?) but when he falls for Noora he falls hard and doesn’t give up easily. He has anger issues. And daddy issues.

Vilde is determined to fit in and be like everyone else. Vilde appears to be stronger than many believe that she is. She takes care of her depressed mother and hides it from everyone. She has often no problem discovering what needs to be done and then delegating tasks for others to carry out. She has insecurities about being good enough and has a starting eating disorder. The fact that she’s focused on fitting in and being “normal”, makes her notice things that differ from the “norm”, and she can at times seem judgemental and prejudiced because of this. She seems to like to kiss girls. She likes to work out, but we know little about her other interests.

Isak is lonely, smart, funny and sarcastic. He hides a lot about himself in the beginning, but we soon learn that he has struggles at home. He moves away from home because living with his mom becomes unbearable after his father leaves them. He seems to want to be as everybody else and he fears to be rejected because he isn’t. He keeps a lot to himself, also this. He can be hard on both himself and others. He can do sneaky things when he feels it’s the right thing to do. He sometimes says things that can seem judgemental (this mostly happens when he tries to be like everyone else). However, he listens when his friends say things that are logical and that makes sense, and when he agrees, he acts accordingly. He listens to Jonas, Even, Eskild, Sana and Magnus talking about prejudice, for instance. And he learns from it. He has a temper, and he ends up in some fights. Even brings out the best in Isak, in many ways. Isak dares to show his soft side with Even. Isak says that biology is his subject and he works to get good grades. He doesn’t believe in God. And we see that he likes to play video games and watch Narcos, and that he likes both “I’m Yours” and 90-ies hip hop (the latter probably influenced by Jonas). Yeah, and he’s fascinated by the thought of parallel universes and of Illuminati. He struggles to accept that he’s gay, but learns how to.

Even hides a lot in the beginning, and we only know that he’s kind of outgoing, playful and slightly impulsive and that he’s very tuned in to what others are feeling. He doesn’t like prejudices, so he says what he means about that. He likes to banter and makes jokes (or he sees it as a possibility to lighten the mood). He avoids conflict if he can. He doesn’t like to be controlled or restrained. He seems to have good relations with his family. He’s romantic and he has a passion for movies. He loves to talk about music, too. And he loves to quote Seinfeld. He is kind of forgetful and messy, but creative. He has Bipolar disorder and struggles with insecurities because of it. He fears to let others know about his personal struggles. His biggest fear is to hurt the ones he love (Isak) so that they will leave him. He’s pan. He later starts to work at KB.

Magnus is open-minded, impulsive and enthusiastic yet he can have glimpses of intuition, too. He’s a curious soul, and loving. He really wants to find someone to love. From his background we know that his mom has bipolar disorder and that he’s fine with that. We don’t know his preferences but the way he looks at Even can imply that he not only falls for girls. He plays soccer and hangs with friends.

Mahdi seems to be slower to warm up than Magnus is, but when he does, he is open-minded and accepting. He uses humour a lot and can appear sarcastic. He shares political interests with Jonas and also an interest in weed.

Sana is honest, loyal, observant, sometimes sarcastic and focused on making a career, on belonging and on protecting her closest friends. She says what she means, but she holds back her emotions. She’s used to relying on her own instinct, something that has made her think she’s always right. Example: Biology class, yeah?! She can plan and organize well and will often make decisions single-handedly. Sana is muslim and faith is an important part of her life. From her background we know that she has grown up in a loving family. She has been bullied at school because she’s muslim. She’s into basketball, she hates Trump, she loves Tupac and she wants to become a surgeon like her father.

Yousef is outgoing and emotional. He’s kind of romantic, but clueless at flirting. He has lost his faith in Allah, but he has high ideals that he tries to live by. He’s considerate and caring. He likes soccer and dancing and he likes to hang with his friends.

Mikael is kind of an enigma, but since he’s mentioned a lot in the show I can say what we know. He’s absent-minded in the way that he turns up on the wrong place for a job interview. He is (or has been) very religious. He seems to have a Norwegian mother (because of his middle name). He knows how to spell tricky words. He knows how to use sign language. He doesn’t like tacky romantic movies with tragic deaths much. He’s not interested in girls in bunads.

Christina is an outgoing, easy going, strong and confident girl. She has a big heart and likes to have fun. She’s an adventurer. She also worries about her friends and wants to help them (I would love to see her character more developed, though, I will admit that). We don’t know much about her interests, apart from watching Paradise Hotel and partying.

Christoffer seems to be an extrovert, easy going fun guy. He uses humour a lot. He is an adventurer in many ways. But he’s also supportive of his friends. Commitment is not his strongest forte, but when he thinks he’s falling for someone, he tries his best. He’s impulsive. He likes to party.

Linn is an introvert. She also seems to be depressed a lot of the time. She doesn’t seem to like changes much. She fears to be left by the persons she has learned to love. She likes to drink Fun Light, eat candy and watch reality shows. She also likes to hook up with guys and has had chlamydia several times.  

Eskild is a guy who bases his opinions and actions on his feelings. He’s extrovert and laid back in nature. He has a big heart and he loves to help others. Eskild is proud to be gay but struggles when he meets prejudice. He has been hurt by guys who haven’t been ready to commit. He wants everyone to be fine and he fears change and to be left alone. We learn some of his interest, but I must admit I have forgotten that now. I know he sometimes ends up spending time with Linn, watching reality shows. 

Now I haven’t said anything about Emma, Sonja, Mutta, Adam, Elias, Ingrid, Sara or Iben because they are minor characters. Although I guess we actually could have found a lot of stuff to say about them as well.

I really think that Skam has a wide range of characters with complex personalities. Of course, I see that a lot of what made the characters was left up to the viewers to project on to them. That’s why some see Isak mostly as a cocky fun guy, while others see him as a nerdy loner. Some might even see him as a manipulative guy, or maybe just a victim. But in many ways he’s all of this, and he develops, and that’s what make him complex. It doesn’t matter if he likes soccer or skiing. We know who he is, anyway, and we know his most important motives and fears. As long as the core of the characters, and their lessons to learn, are easy to see, then that’s more than enough for the story.

[roslinadama-sinequanon]

Major Crimes-Sanctuary City-Pt. 5

Family seemed to be the overriding theme in this episode. Family at home, at work, and within the church as well as the contrast between dysfunctional and functional families. 

“It’s not a suicide, it’s a murder.”

Sharon shakes her head negatively at Julio.

“I’m sitting down ma’am.”

Andy supportively touches his shoulder.  

I loved how the “family” was looking out for Julio, trying to calm him down. But it is Sharon who is ultimately successful. Julio has such respect for Sharon. She has done a lot for him and worked hard to help him keep his job when others were wary of his anger issues.   

The next family moment is with Buzz. 

“Buzz, that’s so sneaky.”

“No, I uh, in my reserve officer training---”

“That is exactly what we will do.” 

Buzz thinks he’s in trouble but Sharon is actually enthused by his idea.  The team/family is also impressed with their little bro. Julio with a comment, Tao with the point of his finger and Andy with a nod and a grin. 

“Ryan, his step father was beating him because he was different”

And

“Lucas’s father was an addict in and out of rehabs.” 

You can see that this hits home with Rusty who was verbally beaten by his mother for being gay and whose mother was also in and out of rehab. I think this also contrasts with what we will later see with the functional Raydor/Flynn/Beck family who love and care so deeply for one another. 

“Your brother and sister are here.”

“Ricky.” 

“Andy.” 

I love the happy greeting between the guys and I especially loved the way Emily throws her arms open to Andy with a little giggle. They are so happy their mom is marrying Andy and it’s just so nice that they like him so much.  

“This marriage is the biggest honor of my life.” 

Aww…Andy really is the sweetest. It’s very hard to imagine the Andy we met on “The Closer” saying anything this sweet and sentimental. He really has changed so much. He’s such a happier and more content person, no longer carrying around all that bitterness and regret. He has a good relationship with Nicole and her step kids and with Sharon’s kids, and his love for Sharon and Sharon’s love for him have really transformed him. Sharon brought out the sweet and tender Andy who was always there right under the surface, hidden by that tough exterior and Andy brought out a lot of who Sharon was before Jack and FID caused her to have to bottle up all her emotions. They are both so good for each other. 

I also loved the way Emily rested her head so affectionately on Rusty’s shoulder. She reminds me so much of Sharon. The way she worries about everyone, how sensitive she is to everyone’s emotions and her gentleness and affection. 

“We might have to work the vows around the investigation.” 

Oh shit. Should have known right here the wedding would be more of an afterthought that what I was expecting. What really bugged me was that Andy said this with a smile. Seriously? This is the guy who tweaks out any time a case ruins his plans-- two examples, the Dodger game and the plans he made to whisk Sharon away to Napa and propose to her. This is his WEDDING and he doesn’t appear worried or frustrated by this at all. All we got was a little smile and shrug, WTF. 

“Well, you know she’s led a very good life.” 

Oh my ever loving GOD. My heart just SANK when he said this. Like many, I took it that Andy was saying “Well, kids, come on don’t be too sad, your mom’s had a good life so it won’t be so bad if she dies.” Oh Andy how can you say this so calmly and with a smile? Well, that’s because he continued with the fact that she doesn’t have a lot of bad habits to kick, meaning she has taken good care of her body and her meds are working so Emily shouldn’t be too worried about her working too much. It was meant to reassure but for a minute, it did anything but.

 “Evidence? I want to see it.”

Sharon’s little snort of “Are you fucking kidding me?” LOVED IT. 

She’s taking her meds, she feels better, just take a seat. The adults have this, we really do.”

Too funny, Andy still considers them all kids and only he and Sharon are the adults. I loved the way Andy stepped in as the firm father here. In the past, he has always deferred to Sharon when it comes to her kids but I think he feels a little more confident in his role in the family now and is willing to take a little more control. Also, he is being protective of Sharon. He knows she doesn’t want to be molly coddled by anyone. She just wants everyone to treat her the way they always have and certainly not like she’s an invalid. Andy can understand this. He went through the same thing with his clot and then his heart. He too fought being treated like an invalid so he knows how frustrating that can be. That would be another good compare and contrast gif. Andy recuperating at Sharon’s sitting at the breakfast table asking about the case and her telling him a bit about it and ending with “And that’s enough of that, how are you feeling?” And Sharon in the hospital begging Provenza for info on the case and Andy telling her to rest cause them’s the rules. Then the two condo scenes, Andy in his bathrobe bugging Sharon to give him something to do and her saying “You’re not supposed to work” and kissing his forehead and then him trying to get Sharon to rest and she says she just needs to do one more email and she’ll be done and they can talk. Hint….hint… 

I also liked that Sharon smiled at Andy’s taking control. I think she appreciated him having her back, where in the past she made sure he knew she could take care of herself. 

“If I can’t do the things that make life worth living, why bother?” 

Okay so that line scared me. I’m afraid this may be some foreshadowing. If there was more time left to the season and if Sharon and Andy were actually the focus of the show, I think Duff would be cruel enough to make this a storyline about assisted suicide and Sharon struggling with her faith over this. I’m wondering if this will lead into a DNR or something. Because you know, how like Duff would that be? Let’s get this couple finally married and then just make Sharon get even sicker and have the newlyweds discussing DNR’s. I have a terrible feeling that the back half of this season is going to be depressing and that rather than the kick ass, bad ass Sharon that we would have liked to see at the end of MC, we will instead have her weakening and going out with a whimper rather than a bang. There is just too much talk about her illness and decisions she has to make over the next few episodes for me to believe that we will get anything but a Sharon getting sick enough that she feels she has to retire. I hate that. I hate it more than I can say, but it just feels like that’s the way things are moving. 

“We do not want you taking care of us. We should be taking care of you.” 

It’s a sweet sentiment Ricky but it’s the last thing Sharon or any mother wants to hear. A mother ALWAYS wants to be able to take care of her children and the last thing she ever wants is for them to feel like they have to take care of her. Also, she doesn’t want to be treated as if she is dying. 

“Saturday at 2pm assuming that you guys haven’t all been excommunicated, you are walking down the aisle at St. Joseph of Nazareth.”

“And you guys are all coming with me.” 

Love the laughter when Rusty talks about them be excommunicated and I love how warm Sharon said they were all coming with her. She is just so pleased to be surrounded by her family and is so looking forward to sharing this day with them. 

“I can’t make an arrest based on a physical exam without a second opinion. Don’t you think, Andy?”

“Well, uh, yeah, because we’re so close to the finish line, just a couple of questions to answer.”

“What kind of questions?” 

This was such a weird conversation. Sharon was a little flirty and then Andy a little flustered and when Ricky asks, “What questions?” Sharon gives Andy a look and he doesn’t have a clue what to say. I thought the whole scene screamed of double entendre. I read a comment by someone who stated they thought Sharon was referring to the wedding night and consummating the marriage--I apologize, I can’t remember who it was that made the comment--but that was exactly how I felt. I get the feeling that Andy has tried to reassure Sharon that he is okay without having sex on their wedding night if it wouldn’t be good for her health and that she has tried to tell him her doctor said it was okay. But, just to reassure him she has set up a second opinion, which is where this conversation comes from. Because, you know, we couldn’t have a conversation about sex between two adults about to get married. In Duff’s warped little universe, if you’re middle aged you don’t talk about sex and sure as hell don’t HAVE sex. At least not on his screen. 

“I’ve been praying with you and your family for the past 22 years and it’s as that person I ask, how are you feeling?”

“Almost overwhelmed. Not by work or the wedding but…my children are concerned about me and they express their concern to you.” 

Oh Sharon, Oh MARY (this woman deserves her EMMY) what a powerful moment. Sharon has been so strong, but hearing that her children are frightened by her illness and have had to turn to their priest to help them is what finally breaks her. First, no mother wants their children to be afraid and second she realizes that in trying to be so strong, she has not allowed her children to express their fears to her and so they had to turn to someone else to help bear that burden. It was amazingly well acted by an amazing actress; however, I felt it added to the overall depressing quality of an episode that had been built up to be the happy, beautiful penultimate WEDDING. 

“When you talk about your responsibilities to Christ, the defense will interrupt and ask if that includes refusing to use birth control while having sex with the single moms of some of your students.”

“Yeah. Sorry Father but by not answering our questions today you’ll be on the stand explaining whether or not you used a condom having sex with Ms. Varza.” 

I like Andy and Wes interviewing together, especially when they feed off each other like this and each get their quips in. 

“I’m not…physically…tempted….by Latina’s.” 

Too funny. All of them leaning in with each word dying to hear what he is going to say and it turns out to be something rather silly. 

“Yeah, no stress.” 

This time it is the kids playing the usual Andy and Sharon role of being frustrated and trying to figure out how to make things work when a case gets in the way of their personal life. As I said earlier, Andy is being unusually laid back about the case interfering with the wedding—especially considering he told Sharon he was barely able to wait until the ceremony to call her his wife. The only reason I can come up with is that he is trying not to stress Sharon out, because usually when he’s getting all frustrated and pissy she is the one calming him down and saying they will be able to make things work.  

“All that is required of me for this rehearsal is to show up, look great and walk down the aisle. I don’t need to practice that. “ 

Nope, no you don’t Sharon. 

“I think this is another one of those moments where prayer is your very best answer.”

“You always say that.”

“Ricky” 

I love this moment between Father Stan, Ricky and Emily. It is another moment of “family” this time with the Catholic Church. It’s very obvious that they are all very close. As Father Stan said earlier, the kids turned to him with their fears and worries about their mother and for comfort. There is a real relationship here and as has been said, the church helped Sharon raise Ricky and Emily so it was nice to see this familial type of moment. 

Dr. Redmond did it. 

At this point, the case had dragged on for so long I pretty much didn’t care who did it. Not to mention by now I was just looking at my clock with disgust thinking “Are you KIDDING me, we’re not going to get much of anything with this wedding. So, I was more thinking, end the damn scene already, and let’s get to the wedding.  

The wedding: 

What we saw of it was beautiful; I’m just so sad and disappointed that it seemed to be pinned on as a bit of an afterthought. During the first few episodes of this season, it was as if Sharon and Andy weren’t even a couple. All the writers had to do was throw in a little more wedding dialogue like Sharon saying she has to go in and have her last wedding gown fitting and maybe she’s worried because she lost some weight when she had the flu or Andy saying he had to pick up the tux’s on the way home. Just offering up some of those the little details that come up with a lead up to a wedding would have at least kept the wedding in the forefront of everyone’s minds. 

I know there has been some comparison with the fact that Brenda and Fritz didn’t have their whole wedding shown either, but they did at least have a huge lead up to it. They were out looking for venues, they were having cake tastings, we saw Brenda looking at different gowns and having a fitting in her gown with her mother. And the B/F wedding wasn’t a big church wedding; they got married on a hotel balcony with three people in attendance, so it makes sense that it was presented more low-key. Also, over the previous seasons we’d seen Brenda and Fritz on dates, kissing, arguing, in bed, jealous, discussing their relationship, we never got ANY of that with Sharon and Andy.  Their entire relationship pretty much took place off screen. What we got on screen were looks and smiles. This was supposed to be our penultimate episode, our chance to get those moving vows and actually hear the words. Instead, we got a beautiful walk down the aisle, and the looks and smiles were breathtakingly loving and tender, but yet again, we were cut off from anything truly meaningful. We deserved more. We really did. 

I have said this before, but I feel there were easy ways of showing the fans, who are applauded as being tremendously loyal and devoted, what they wanted to see, and also finishing up the case. It didn’t have to be either/or, there could have been more balance. They could have had Olivia sing Ave Maria and during the vocal break with the music playing softly in the background let us hear the simple traditional vows of “I Sharon take you Andy to be my husband….and then Andy‘s vows” then the vocals pick up again and we watch them exchanging rings, kissing as they are pronounced man and wife, and, as she always does, Sharon wipes her lipstick off Andy’s lips with her thumb, they laugh and go forehead to forehead—like in the picture-- and the episode fades out. Yes, FADES OUT, doesn’t SLAM to black. And yes, I would have loved a bit from the reception, but at least with this we would have gotten the entire wedding.  

Of course, what we did get with Sharon and Andy that we didn’t get with Brenda and Fritz was a real sense of inclusion and family with the team. Brenda, being the loner that she is, did not really want anyone invited to her wedding except her parents, while Sharon wanted to share the day with all her family and friends. Included in that family was the MC team who were not even invited to Brenda’s wedding. I think that really shows the difference in the two characters and in the way they relate to the team. On MC, they have become a family and that really played out in the wedding. 

So, now on to the wedding details: 

Olivia has a beautiful voice. 

Loved Julio directing Mark to turn around. I know some people wondered why Mark was a ring bearer. Yes, I know it should have been Andy’s step-grandsons but evidently, everyone forgot that Andy actually has a family and that they would of course be at his wedding. But now hearing that Sharon and Julio attend the same church and Mark goes to the same school as Sharon’s kids did, it makes sense that maybe Sharon attends mass with Julio and Mark and they have gotten closer in that respect. Also, I’m sure Sharon has been very helpful in giving advice to Julio in child rearing and adoption. 

“How do I look?”

“Better than usual.” 

Aww…Andy is nervous. Provenza is Provenza and it helps ease Andy’s tension. 

The first strands of Ave Maria- 

I was really hoping this hymn would be played at some point in the wedding—little did I know the walk down the aisle was all we were going to get—so I ‘m glad it had its moment. It’s such a beautiful hymn and it’s very Sharon, very traditional and Catholic. 

The doors open and there is Sharon looking like a beautiful angel lit from the heavens. She gives Andy a little smile and his mouth falls open in awe. It’s a BEAUTIFUL moment. 

At first it looks like Sharon is alone, but then Ricky steps up and takes her arm. Mary mentioned in her podcast that some fans had hoped that Sharon would walk down the aisle alone but that she too liked that Ricky was at her side. I loved it. Like Mary, I don’t see it as the old patriarchal “giving a woman away” I see it as public blessing, an acceptance. I’m glad it was Ricky as the eldest son—which is traditional as Sharon is-- and that the day wasn’t overshadowed by Rusty. It was nice that each of her children had their role. Sharon is first and foremost a mom and when they talked about her walking down the aisle, she reminded them that she was taking them all with her. She wants her whole family to participate in the wedding, uniting them all as a family because there is nothing more important to Sharon than family. And, it made for some touching conversation on the walk. 

Things I loved: 

How Sharon looked in the dress-When I first saw a pic I wasn’t overwhelmed. Once I got past my prejudice of “I like the gown I picked out for Sharon better” I was able to appreciate it for what it was. Mary looked absolutely stunning in it and it did look vintage 1940’s—very Katharine Hepburn as I read in one post quite a while ago. At first I was surprised she went with a veil (My mom was hoping for a half updo with some flowers in her hair) but I think the gown really needed the veil. The dress is so simple and unadorned it needed the lace in the veil and the arms to make it more feminine and romantic. And I can see that the inspiration was probably the picture of Mary at her first holy communion. The one thing I did not like was the belt. A thin pretty pearl and rhinestone belt would have looked nicer and added a little sophistication for a woman who is the epitome of fashion. As it was, the belt she was wearing looked like something she just found in her closet. Thankfully, you could hardly see it. 

The rose petals scattered on the white carpet.  

The little kiss Patrice sends Provenza’s way and the way he touches his heart.

The way Sharon is already in tears even before she talks to Ricky.

Cami saying they really are like a family and Mason saying, “You have no idea.”  It can’t be easy for him stepping into that tight-knit family. 

“How’s your heart holding up?”

“It’s never been this full.” 

At first, I was like “Really, Ricky, you’re going to bring this up NOW.” LOL, but it ended up leading to what I think is not just an amazing emotional response but also a response that is really quite important to understanding the Shandy relationship. Sharon used the word “never” here. She didn’t say, “It hasn’t been this full in years” or “As full as it’s ever been” she stated “It’s NEVER been this full”. Andy truly is the love of her life and before the previous week when she told Andy “I love you so SO much” I was never really quite sure where she stood and where her love for Andy stood in comparison to what she had felt for Jack. Of course, I knew she loved Andy; she wouldn’t have married him if she didn’t, but was it a really deep kind of love? Or was it a comfortable, companionship kind of love? Thanks to all missing scenes and poor writing of the relationship, I’m not sure anyone really knew. But here it is. Sharon lays it out right here, both in her very emotional response and in her words. She’s never been this in love and this happy. Who would have ever thought that the Sharon we met on “The Closer” would get so emotional and cry at her wedding? 

“I’m just so happy to have this day. I’m so happy.” 

Without the heart issue, this really would have made me melt. Instead, it sent me back into some BSG PTSD.  It felt like she was saying she was so happy to get to have this day before she dies, like Laura Roslin’s “So much life” a smile and then she dies. I really hope I read that wrong. I think many Laura Roslin fans are hypersensitive about this because we are terrified of Sharon going down the same path as Laura. 

“We’re so happy for you.” 

I liked the way Ricky squeezed her hand and that he said “we”, including his siblings. All of her children are so happy for Sharon and that has to warm her heart. I think he also feels some pride in being able to have helped in giving her this day. Ricky and Emily are the reason Sharon was able to have the church wedding she wanted so much, by forcing Jack to sign the annulment papers. They did it because all they really want is for her to be happy and to be able to give something back to the mother who has given so much to them. 

As Sharon gets closer, she and Andy begin to share loving looks and Andy gets a little emotional and turns to Provenza for support. This time Provenza pats him on the shoulder. I thought that was a rather touching moment between the two men. Provenza gets it; they’ve both come a long way since their bachelor Closer days. 

Sharon and Andy at the altar-Love the way Andy looks her up and down and the smile of joy when he reaches her face��and the way Sharon responds with a joyful smile of her own, before biting her lip with emotion, like she can’t believe they are really doing this. I loved what Mary said in her podcast about this wedding being a miracle for Sharon. It really is. After all those years dealing with things on her own and after having come to terms with being alone, she found the love of her life, a man who truly brightens her day, makes her laugh and who is there for her in every way. I would also say that it is a miracle for Andy as well. 

And then, just as things get good, SLAM, the scene is just cut to black. No gentle fade out, just a door slammed. It was so jarring it made me jump. As I posted that night it felt like a slap in the face. 

I have to say, I was upset the night the episode aired with the wedding being just thrown in at the end rather than it being an integral part of the episode. We’ve been waiting so long for this day, the hype was all there for the wedding of the year and this was supposed to be our payoff for having dealt with all the wasted opportunities over the past years. But, I felt a lot better after listening to Mary’s podcast and how she too had gotten caught up in the hype and SHE knew she only had one page in the script for the wedding, so she understood why fans were so upset. It sounded like she too would have liked more. However, she brought up the fact that there really had not been a plan for the Shandy relationship and that it was written because of the chemistry between Sharon and Andy that was noticed by the fans and promoted by the fans and that it was amazing we were even really shown the wedding. And I guess that’s true. Given how Sharon and Andy have been written, it would have been very much in character for the wedding to take place off-screen, so I am grateful that we got to see what we did. And though the first time around I felt the episode was very depressing and did not have the kind of joy I would expect in a wedding episode, in watching it again without those expectations I’ve been able to appreciate it more. 

And I’ll just end by saying again, what we did get to see was pure magic. 

      “

[scalira]

I wanna be yours

Pairing: Richie/Eddie, Bill/Stan (background), Mike/Ben (background) Words: 3700 Read on ao3

Richie Tozier doesn’t necessarily care about a lot of cheesy traditions, but there are some things that are sacred to him. He doesn’t have a lot of consistency in his life, so he clings onto the few things that he considers traditional. One of the things he clings onto is the yearly Leap of Faith, when all the losers jump off the quarry cliff during the first day of summer break. They do it every year, no matter the weather.They’ve all gotten sick at least once because Richie insisted on doing it when it was raining, but nobody complains about it (except maybe Eddie, but he complains about everything so he doesn’t really count).

Another important tradition is that they all come over to Bill’s house on December 31st to celebrate the new year together. Bill got sick one year and almost called it off, but they ended up crowding his bedroom and piling onto his bed to play stupid boardgames and try to make Bill laugh so hard it turned into a coughing fit.

And finally, Richie always pairs up with Eddie on Halloween to try to win the couples costume competition. It’s not even an official tradition - it’s just been like that since they stopped trick or treating and started going to parties instead. Nobody ever questioned it, nobody ever challenged it. Either Richie and Eddie went to a party with matching costumes or they didn’t go at all.

Until this year.

Eddie asking him if it’s okay if he pairs up with Bill this year feels like a slap in the face. Richie doesn’t want to be a little bitch about it and he certainly doesn’t want to look like he’s jealous or anything ridiculous like that, but Eddie still notices the way his face falls. He nudges him gently, but the touch does little to cheer him up. Richie is normally delighted whenever Eddie decides he’s Pure™ enough to touch, but not today.

“We wanna go as Doc and Marty from Back to the Future,” Eddie explains. “You told me you don’t like the movies, so I figured you wouldn’t mind.”

“I don’t,” Richie quickly says, terrified of exposing himself as, in fact, minding very much. “It’s cool. Bill makes a better Doc than me anyway; he’s already ugly.”

Eddie stomps him. “Don’t be mean!” Then he grins, mischievous glint in his eyes. “Bill is way uglier than Doc Brown. He’s gonna have to pretty-fy himself to play the part.”

Richie has to fight every fiber in his body to not just lunge forward and kiss Eddie right then and there. He balls his hands into fists, digging his nails into his palms, and forces out a laugh.

“But you’re sure you’re okay with it, right? I mean, Bill asked Stan first but Stan apparently said that he’d rather be caught naked in a ditch drunkenly making out with a rat than to dress up as any character from that ‘weird incest movie’.”

“Woah, really? He said those exact words?”

Eddie shrugs. “Yeah, well. Marty’s mom does get a weird crush on him. It’s one of the movie’s only flaws, but I don’t blame Stan for finding it disturbing.”

“Maybe I can pair up with Stan and dress up as Back to the Future haters,” Richie suggests. The relief in Eddie’s eyes as he smiles feels suspiciously like betrayal.

“Yeah, totally. Channel that hatred and put it into a good cause. Maybe you’ll win!”

Richie wants to tell him he doesn’t want to win anything if he can’t do it with him by his side, but he just bites the inside of his cheek and nods.

***

Richie has had a couple of days to get used to the idea of not meeting up with Eddie right before the party to get dressed together, but it still stings when rides his bike up on Eddie’s driveway and sees him and Bill waiting on his porch in matching costumes. They’re laughing about something together and something ugly and green stirs in Richie’s chest. He forces it down, telling himself that Bill has a boyfriend and would never try something with Eddie, but he still feels miserable as he plants his feet on the ground.

“Hey, ugly motherfuckers!” He yells. Eddie’s head snaps up.

“Shut the fuck up, Richie,” he hisses between clenched jaws, quickly running over to where Richie is standing. “My mom is inside! She’ll whoop your ass if she hears you cursing like that.”

“I’m into that,” Richie replies easily. Eddie groans in disgust.

“One day you’re gonna be inappropriate to the wrong person and you won’t be able to joke yourself out of it,” he warns. Richie raises his eyebrows in provocation.

“is that a challenge?” He asks. Eddie looks like he’s considering homicide, but luckily Bill steps in before he can find something to strangle Richie with.

“Billiam!” Richie greets, a bit too cheerily even to his own ears. His smile feels fake on his lips, but Bill doesn’t seem to notice. “You look disgustingly old.”

“Thanks, Richard,” Bill says, patting his white lab coat. His white wig is a bit askew on his head, but Richie doesn’t say anything.

“So, has Stan seen you like this yet?”

“No, why?”

“I figure he’ll develop instant erectile dysfunction when he does,” Richie grins.

“I should hope so,” Bill immediately replies. “If he gets horny seeing me dressed up as an old man, I’m breaking up with him.”

That makes Richie laugh. He kinda hopes Stan does end up getting a weird boner over Bill’s costume, but he doesn’t want them to break up over it. It would just be funny to bully him with it.

As if summoned, Stan rides up the driveway. He stops next to Richie and eyes Bill up and down before making a face.

“You look disgusting,” he deadpans.

“Aw, babe, that’s so sweet,” Bill replies dryly. He tries to sling his arms around Stan’s neck, but Stan bends his body away from him.

“Don’t. Do not try to kiss me, it’s creeping me out.”

Bill makes a kissing sound at him and Stan gags, but can barely hide his smile.

“Why do you have a problem with me dressing up as good ol’ Doc Brown when Richie is dressed up as Dr. Frank N. Furter from the Rocky Horror Picture Show?” Bill complains when Stan jumps off his bike in order to avoid his touches and hides behind Richie.

Stan gestures at Richie’s slender body dressed in black stilettos, thigh high fishnets, black booty shorts, a black lace corset and a pin-covered leather jacket.

“Uh, because he’s hot?” He points out.

Richie innocently bats his thick fake eyelashes at Bill. Beverly helped him with his makeup earlier before running off to her girlfriend’s house to get ready together.

“Aw, Stanny boy!” He purrs. He drapes his arms over Stan’s shoulders, and Stan allows them to stay there for exactly three seconds before he squirms and steps out of his reach. “I’m really flattered, but I’m taken.”

“So is he, dick,” Bill says at the same time Eddie exclaims, “by who?” Voice unusually high-pitched.

Richie smiles at Eddie. “Your mom,” he says.

“God,” Eddie groans. He looks up at the night sky as if praying for some lightning to strike Richie, but when it doesn’t come he just takes his bike and mounts it.

“Let’s just meet the others at the party before I get arrested for attempted murder,” he sighs.

***

Beverly, Drew, Ben and Mike are already waiting at the party when the others arrive. Bev and her girlfriend Drew are dressed as Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn respectively, while Ben and Mike are dressed as Bob Ross and Happy Little Tree, which makes Richie laugh so hard he almost smudges his makeup. Bev shoots out her hands and skillfully wipes away his tears without ruining his eyeliner.

“That’s fucking amazing,” Richie hiccups, only briefly looking at Mike and Ben before looking away again because he doesn’t want to burst out laughing again. “If you two don’t win I’m gonna burn the building to the ground.”

“It was all Mike’s idea,” Ben smiles warmly.

“Hell yeah, that’s why I got to dress up as Bob Ross and Benny had to dress up as the tree,” Mike grins. He holds up his paintbrush and boops Ben’s nose with it. Then he looks at Stan. “And who are you supposed to be?”

Stan makes an offended sound at the back of his throat, linking his arm with Richie’s.

“I’m Brad Majors, you uncultured swine!”

Mike raises his eyebrows. “Who?”

“Are you fucking with us?” Eddie says.

“Leave him alone,” Ben says, taking Mike’s hand. “He’s a baby gay; he hasn’t seen Rocky Horror yet.”

Richie shakes his head. “Such a disgrace,” he tuts. “People should be forced to watch Rocky Horror when they decide to live the gay life. It’s part of our culture.”

Mike rolls his eyes and looks at Ben. “Can I come over and watch it with you tomorrow?”

“Sure you can,” Ben beams. His smile is so bright Richie almost feels like he should look away.

“Now that’s settled, can we go inside? My balls are freezing off,” Eddie says.

“Aw, and they haven’t had the chance to drop yet,” Stan says. Eddie flips him off and grabs Bill’s hand.

“I’m stealing your boyfriend for that, Stanley.”

“You can have him for tonight,” Stan shrugs. “Just give him back once he’s changed out of the Doc costume.”

“Can’t make promises I don’t know I can keep,” Eddie smiles innocently, and then he drags a blushing Bill inside.

Richie looks at Stan, hoping to catch him looking as jealous as he feels, but there’s an amused smile dancing on his lips. Damnit. He would’ve felt better about his own green monster if Stan had shared the sentiment, but it looks like Richie will be the only miserable asshole tonight.

Great.

***

Richie gets a lot of attention with his costume. He catches some girls (and one guy, though he tries his hardest to hide it) staring at his ass and others start whispering when he walks past them to get drinks. Richie purposely holds his head high and walks with his shoulders pushed back, taking long, proud strides in his high heels. Halloween is the only night he can dress as androgynous and inappropriately as he wants without making himself a target.

Some random dude says something to his friend about Richie looking ‘fucking queer’ in that costume, which Richie takes as a compliment. He makes a whole scene out of walking past them, hips swaying, which earns him a couple of wolf whistles. When he turns around to see who whistled at him he catches Eddie grinning at him. Richie turns around to hide his blush, but his cheeks hurt from smiling so widely.

Eddie and Bill appear to be the most popular couple of the night. Everyone wants to take pictures with them and everyone thinks they’re adorable. Richie drinks his beer in silence, occasionally grumbling into the liquid. Sure, Eddie does look painfully cute in his Marty McFly costume. And they do look really good together. And Richie isn’t jealous of the attention they’re getting. It’s just that something twists in the pit of his stomach whenever Eddie casually touches Bill’s arm or whenever Bill puts a hand on the small of Eddie’s back.

He can’t stand it anymore when Bill throws an arm around Eddie’s shoulders and Eddie leans against his side, relaxed smile on his face. Eddie is almost never relaxed when someone crowds him with their body like that. He normally only allows Richie to do it.

Richie puts his beer away and beelines to the exit, immediately sinking down onto the curb once outside and taking out his pack of cigarettes.

He smokes two cigarettes before Stan joins him. Richie looks up to him and holds up his hand to offer him a half smoked cigarette, but Stan declines.

“Gross,” he says as he sinks down onto the curb too.

“I share cigarettes with Bill all the time,” Richie counters. “So you’re technically kissing me whenever you’re kissing him.”

“You wish,” Stan says.

“Oh, I do,” Richie sighs dramatically. He puts his head on Stan’s shoulder and grabs his hand. “Oh, Stanley. How I yearn for thee! Every night I am not with you is a night lived in torture!”

Stan pulls his hand out of Richie’s, but allows his head to stay on his shoulder.

“You’re so dramatic.”

“Yeah, well. Gotta live up to the costume.”

They sit together in silence for a while, Stan looking up at the night sky while Richie finishes his cigarette. He flicks it away once it’s burned to a stub and Stan makes a move to get up, but Richie takes his hand again and pulls him back down.

“Aren’t you going back inside?” Stan asks.

“Not yet.”

“Why not? You’re getting a lot of attention. I thought you liked that.”

Richie shrugs and looks at his hands. He’s already longing for another cigarette, but he just smoked his last one.

Stan nudges him. “What’s up, Richie? Something upset you? Did anyone give you shit for your costume?”

“No, it’s not that,” Richie sighs. He puts his hands behind him and leans back on them, staring up at the stars.

“Aren’t you jealous?” He blurts after another long silence.

“Jealous?” Stan repeats.

“Yeah. Of Eddie. That he paired up with Bill this year.”

Stan snorts. “No. Definitely not. I wasn’t about to dress up as Marty Mcfuckingfly, no matter how much I love Bill.”

“Yeah, but like… doesn’t it piss you off that you normally always pair up with Bill? And now he’s having fun with Eddie and everyone thinks they’re totally adorable and they look really happy with each other and -”

“Richie,” Stan interrupts. “Calm down before you spiral. We’re not talking about Bill, are we?”

Richie groans in frustration.

“No, we’re not,” he confesses. “It’s just… Eddie and I always pair up together. But now he’s with Bill and they look really good together - better than we ever looked together. So what if Bill is… I don’t know… a better fit for him? What if Eddie realizes he’s better off without me and this is just the first step in ditching me all together? What if he doesn’t want me anymore, or what if he likes Bill more?” He presses the palms of his hands against his eyes, trying to push back the frustrated tears. He hadn’t even thought about that until he said it out loud: what if this is just Eddie’s first step to replacing him completely?

“Eddie is not replacing you, Rich,” Stan says, putting a comforting hand on his back. “He just paired up with Bill because they’re both Back to the Future nerds, and their costumes technically can’t even be considered couple costumes.” He scoffs. “Back to the Future is weird enough as it is; we do not need a weird romantic Docmarty side plot.”

Richie chuckles despite himself. Stan makes a good point, but it’s not quite enough to put his mind at ease.

“Yeah, but still,” he says. “You have the… security, I guess. You know Bill loves you. Hell, you’ve been dating for a year and you’re probably planning your wedding already. I don’t know how Eddie feels about me, and that insecurity is driving me insane.”

He realizes what he just said way too late. Stan’s eyebrows rise so highly they almost disappear into his hairline.

“Richard Benedict Tozier,” he starts, the biggest grin Richie has ever seen plastered over his face, “are you telling me you’re jealous of Bill taking your place because you think he’s gonna steal your man?”

“No!” Richie says. “I know he’s not gonna steal my man because he’ll never do that to you, but Eddie might realize that Bill is way better than me in every aspect and have his heart stolen by him.”

“All I’m hearing is that you’re not denying Eddie is your man.”

Richie groans and throws his hands up in frustration.

“Fine! Yes, I’m jealous because I don’t like sharing Eddie and I would prefer to have him all to myself and be able to hold his hand and kiss his dumb face and be cute and clingy like you and Bill or Ben and Mike. There, is that what you wanted to hear?”

Stan’s grin is blinding. “Oh, this is fantastic. You have to talk to him. Like, right now.”

“Okay, why?”

“Because you’re an idiot, Tozier.”

Richie narrows his eyes at him. “Do you know something I don’t?”

“I do, all the time. But that’s not the point. My point is that I’m gonna go find my boyfriend now and force him out of that awful wig to make out with him in peace for a while, so Eddie will be alone and easy to talk to. You should probably do something with that information.”

“How very cryptic of you,” Richie mutters. Stan slaps him on the shoulder in an attempt to be comforting and gets up.

“Go. Find. Eddie,” he says, pointing his finger at him with every word. “Now, if you’ll excuse me. I have an ugly wig to snatch.” And with that, he promptly marches back into the building.

Richie stays out a bit longer, thinking about what he could possibly say to Eddie to avoid looking like a fool, and eventually goes back inside too.

***

Eddie has blended back in with their group now that Bill is missing from his side. He doesn’t even look like he’s wearing a costume anymore, and it suddenly makes sense to Richie why he had to be around Bill the entire night; without Doc Brown, Marty McFly’s costume just looks like every average person’s.

“Hey,” he says once he made it to the others. Everyone has to look up slightly to look him in the eye, and that somehow gives Richie great satisfaction. He’s tall without the heels, but now he’s just towering over everyone. It’s a real power trip. “Eds, can I talk to you for a sec?”

“Don’t call me Eds,” Eddie says automatically, but he does follow Richie back outside. Richie walks around the building to the parking lot, where there are no people having a smoke or talking. He leans against the wall, slouching until he’s more or less on eye level with Eddie.

“What’s up?” Eddie asks, putting his hands in the pockets of his bodywarmer.

“Uh,” Richie starts, but he doesn’t know how to continue. His fingers itch for a cigarette to hold. Eddie notices his nervous fidgeting and reaches out to hold Richie’s hand in his own. Eddie’s fingers are cold on his skin.

“Why are you nervous? Is everything okay?”

“I’m not nervous,” Richie counters.

“Your hand is sweaty and you’re chewing your lip,” Eddie points out. Damn it, why does he know him so well?

“Okay, fine,” he admits. “Maybe I’m a bit nervous.”

“Why?”

“Because... “ Richie takes a deep breath. “Because I need to tell you something and I don’t know how you’ll react.”

Eddie frowns.

“You aren’t actually dating my mom, right?” He tries to joke. Though Richie would normally never miss an opportunity to make a mom joke, he’s too nervous to make one now.

“No, no. I just, uh. I haven’t been totally honest with you.”

“What do you mean, Rich?”

Richie looks away from Eddie’s dark eyes, hoping that’ll make his confession a bit easier to get past his lips.

“About the costumes. I actually do mind that you paired up with Bill this year.”

“Really? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I didn’t… I didn’t want to look jealous. But I am, Eds. I’m really jealous.”

Eddie looks confused, but he’s still holding Richie’s hand. Richie takes that as a good sign.

“Jealous of what?” Eddie asks.

“I don’t know. Of Bill, I guess. I know it sounds stupid, but seeing you pair up with him just… it made me realize that I don’t want to share you, Eddie. Not on Halloween, not ever. I want you to myself. I want you, period.”

Eddie’s hand goes limp in Richie’s grip, but he doesn’t let it slide out of his hand. His lips part, then close again, then part again.

“You want me?” Eddie eventually asks, voice soft.

Richie doesn’t trust his voice, scared it’ll shake or break or sound weird, so he just nods.

He’d expected Eddie to do a lot of things. He’d expected him to pull away and run back to the party, never to speak to Richie again; he’d expected him to laugh awkwardly and brush it off as a joke, he’d even expected him to pull up his nose in disgust. What he hadn’t expected was Eddie grabbing Richie by the collar of his jacket and pulling him down for a kiss.

But that’s exactly what happens.

Their first kiss is far from perfect. The angle isn’t right, and Richie’s mouth is dry, and Eddie’s hands are too cold in his neck. But none of that matters. What matters is that Richie’s hands sit comfortably on Eddie’s hipbones, and that Eddie hums approvingly in the back of his throat, and that he tastes like toothpaste and candy. What matters is that Eddie presses himself against Richie, and that he lets his hands slide up until his fingers tangle into Richie’s curls, and that in their imperfect first kiss, Richie still finds perfection.

They stay out in the cold like that until their noses turn numb. Eddie guides them back to the party, not letting go off Richie’s hand once they’re back inside.

They’re just on time to witness Mike and Ben win best couples costume. Stan and Bill are standing to the side, Bill’s wig having disappeared from his head and his lab coat on inside out. When Stan catches his gaze and notices Richie and Eddie holding hands, he holds up his thumb in approval and smiles.

Richie rolls his eyes and flips him off, but he couldn’t wipe the dopey grin off his face even if he tried.

[luffysfakebeard]

I am living for your Isak w Aspergers head canons do you think you could do some more?

the first post

this headcanon means so much to me so of course I’ll be continuing it ♥ (this got fucking long oh my god)

one night during exam season they were going to bed and Even saw that Isak’s thigh was all mottled red and bruising and it took him a few days to realise that it was from Isak stimming and hitting his hand repeatedly against his leg while he worked

after that if he saw Isak stimming he’d weave his fingers through Isak’s and pull his hand up and gently dot kisses over Isak’s shaky fingers

when he was younger (read: when he was first coping with being labelled autistic) he tried going to a support group for people with autism because he was kinda struggling with it and while Jonas was so so good about it he didn’t really get it

Isak went to one meeting and never went back because it was too much it made it too real he didn’t want to need a support group like some drug addict just because his brain worked a little differently

(it didn’t help that he felt so different from everyone there, despite the fact they were all there for the same reason)

the first time Even’s parents cook for him they put raw tomato in the salad and Isak’s heart sinks because raw tomato is his ultimate Nope™ texture

he tried so so hard though because he didn’t want to mess up the first dinner with his boyfriend’s parents so he talked the talk and dazzled Even’s parents but when he tried to eat one of those tiny lil baby tomatoes he just couldn’t

when he bit into it his whole body shuddered and he was 90% sure he was going to vomit everywhere and he was spitting it back out before he could consciously think about it

he quickly excused himself to the bathroom and sat against the door and tried not to cry because he was sure he’d just ruined their impression of him and they were going to think he was so rude and everything was ruined and- 

and Even of course came in and wiped the few tears that had squeezed their way out from Isak’s cheeks and reassured Isak that his parents didn’t mind they just felt kinda bad that they didn’t know he hated tomatoes

all subsequent dinners together involved tomato-free salads

sometimes Isak gets bouts of hyposenstivity (nowhere near as often as he gets hypersensitive, but they happen) and his responses are about five seconds slower than usual

sometimes it’s funny, like when Magnus will try to throw shade at him and then a few seconds later Isak drags Magnus even though someone else is talking

sometimes it’s less funny, like the time he was washing his hands and the plumbing fucked up and hot water poured out and Isak didn’t even feel it and finished washing his hands. Even had to put burn cream on his hands and Isak had to talk him out of calling their landlord in a rage about the state of their plumbing

Isak almost never has meltdowns, but when he does they take it right out of him and they’re usually triggered by something that anyone else would deem menial

there was an unfortunate incident when Even was having a manic episode and he reorganised everything in their flat in a way that totally made sense to him at 2.30 in the morning. everything including Isak’s school notes which were meticulously ordered

there was shouting, a lot of struggling to breathe, and the crushing certainty that he was going to fuck up his classes because his notes were a mess

when the episode was over Even apologised for messing with Isak’s system and Isak apologised for losing his shit when he knew Even couldn’t always help it

when Isak was little he was always the child who watched other children rather than engage in the play himself

his parents were always trying to push him to play with the other kids, but Isak was much happier observing them

fun fact: Montessori (one of the most renowned people when it comes to theory about children’s play and learning) noted that some children preferred to observe first before they attempted things themselves, and that adults should not try to force those children to engage before they are ready because children know when they’re ready and will move forwards with their play/learning when they’re ready

Isak wishes more people knew about that because he always felt like grown ups were pushing him to do things before he was ready

Magnus once found out that there was a girl in their class who was also on the spectrum and told Isak and Isak was just like and????? because he wasn’t going to befriend someone just because they were autistic too it didn’t work like that there isn’t a secret handshake or something Mags just drop it

occasionally people will try to use his autism as a weapon. in his maths classes he used to sit in front of a kid who always sneered that Isak was like a shittier version of Rain Man (Mahdi may have sold that guy some high quality shit at a high quality price that was actually just oregano)

Isak hates hates hates when the school chooses an autism charity for events because yeah it’s a great cause but whenever he sees signs encouraging people to ‘raise money for autism’ he feels like such a fucking charity case some pathetic loser who should be pitied because his brain is different

he will also use those times to get the boys do things for him out of spite because he really hates those posters (”you can help people with autism right now by shutting up, Magnus” “you raised money for autism? cool, can I borrow a tenner for some dinner?”)

whenever he hears or sees the words “cure autism” a part of him dies because he hates how misinformed people are but there’s also a part of him that wishes so badly sometimes that he could cure it

most of the time he just doesn’t give a shit tbh it’s just part of his life it’s not like he’s at the other end of the spectrum and he’ll need a carer his whole life he considers himself pretty lucky honestly

he’s never really been good at relating to people emotionally. he doesn’t really get emotional like everyone else seems to so he has no idea how to process it when people start crying on his shoulder. with Even’s help he’s getting better at it though.

as time goes on, Isak gets more and more comfortable with his identity as an autistic gay teen and will be vocal about his limitations in both

”I’m gay, Mahdi, I don’t know if she’d like that position????????”

“I’m having a bad day, please don’t talk to me just let me sit here on the edge without talking or looking at anyone okay”

sometimes Even will draw a jigsaw puzzle piece on his own wrist and then draw the piece that would fit next to it on Isak’s same wrist because they’re both a little bit dysfunctional but together they always make it work (also because a puzzle piece is the logo for autism, as Isak points out, but mostly the cute romantic reason Even insists)

[thorias]

Random thoughts watching Riverdale episode 4

Betty keeps a diary. An actual diary. Like in a notebook and everything. Why, when we’re in the age of tumblr and password protection and all that good stuff, would she write her private thoughts down in something like that? Especially when Alice Cooper is her mom! I just met Alice four episodes ago and I know Betty is just asking for that diary to be found and read, so I have no idea what she’s thinking. 

Even the slightest tease that Archie’s dad has a thing for Ms. Grundy makes me depressed that there are not enough ‘NOPE’ gifs in the freaking world to accurately convey my revulsion. 

Kevin is the first character to get sick enough of all the pop culture references being dropped to call attention to it. And thus, a star is born. 

Just as I’m writing a question about why Jughead cares so much about a drive-in when Netflix exists, Veronica takes the words right out of my mouth. Maybe this show is more self-aware than I thought. 

“What was it like before she got here? I honestly cannot remember.” Oh Kevin, you might just be my favorite character this week. 

Betty is putting the pieces together about Archie/Grundy even faster than I expected. Of course, Archie being so thick-headed that he practically spells it out for her certainly accelerates that process. 

“It’s not what you’re thinking.” Shut up, Archie. It’s either exactly what she's thinking or it’s even worse. You’re not very good at this cushioning-the-blow thing, are you? 

Betty is the first person to mention the incredible illegalities of what Archie and Grundy are doing -- illegal, as in jail time -- and he’s still trying to play it off like it’s something innocent. I swear, this dunce makes comic!Archie look like Stephen Hawking. 

Archie actually has the balls to say that Grundy believed in him when no one else did. Betty was taking this news shockingly well until he hit her with that one and now you can actually see her heart being crushed into a fine paste. I want to reach through my TV screen and punch this guy in the face. He had someone who believed in him the whole time; maybe if he hadn’t been so busy friend-zoning her so he could bang his music teacher, he would have noticed. Why must you make it so damn hard to root for you to get your shit together, Archie? ffs 

See what you’ve done, Archie?! You just made me say, “Thank god, Betty’s mom is here!” as she rolls up and tells her daughter to get in the car immediately just to get her away from you. I hope you’re proud of yourself. Ass.

Betty is interviewing Grundy and I suddenly can’t help but feel like Chuck got off easy last week. 

Are they suggesting that TV!Grundy killed comic!Grundy and stole her identity? This is so meta, it’s making me short of breath. 

Maybe a little bit of all the suspicious stuff Betty just dropped in Archie’s lap sunk in because he’s starting to ask Grundy questions, but like any self-respecting she-beast, she distracts him with sex, which seems to be her go-to strategy every time he begins to doubt their relationship in any way. At this point, I’m surprised she doesn’t eat her mate after she gets her freak on. 

Betty Cooper is really good at breaking into cars and picking locks. I don’t know what reality is anymore. 

So “Grundy” has an ID under a different name and a gun stashed in her car. If Archie doesn’t listen to reason now, I vote we have this dumbass sterilized before he reproduces.

I’m pretty sure the writers having Betty be the one to say that something isn’t crazy was intended to be funny, but who can tell at this point? 

Grundy gives Archie some half-baked sob story about an abusive ex-husband and he just believes her without even asking about the gun or the dead old lady with the same name as her. People this stupid shouldn’t be allowed to live. 

Kevin’s dad seems perfectly at ease and accepting of his son being gay. This comes as a surprise to me, but one I’m happy about. There are enough dysfunctional parent/child relationships on this show already. One more would have been really pushing it.  

I don’t know why, but for now, it seems as if the characters are accepting Grundy’s story as the truth. That being the case, Betty still tries to appeal to Archie’s *cough* common sense by explaining how unhealthy this relationship is because of very real and easy-to-understand reasons. Archie isn’t exactly disagreeing with her this time, so I guess that’s a small step forward, but he’s going to have some pretty epic groveling to do to redeem himself to Betty when she’s inevitably proven right about all this. 

I’m less concerned about Alice finding the gun in Betty’s sock drawer and more concerned about the fact that Betty took Grundy’s gun and hid it where her nosy mom would easily find it. Isn’t Betty supposed to be the smart one? And do I even want to know what she planned to do with the gun if she wasn’t going to turn it in to the police? 

Oh look, Alice is reading Betty’s diary. WOW, WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THAT COMING?!?! This is what computers and passwords are for, Betty. 

So Betty’s mom knows about Archie/Grundy now. Alice, I’m begging you... use your powers for good, just this once. 

Veronica yells at the gang of biker thugs to stop talking during the movie and they actually shut up. In what universe would that ever work? Did I just switch to the Syfy channel by accident? 

Archie got Grundy a “thank you” gift for seducing him into her sick web of romanticized statutory rape. I seriously want to retch every time these two are on-screen together. Please tell me the parents are about to put a stop to this.  

Oh, so it’s a ‘good bye’ gift? So Archie has finally decided to listen to Betty and do the sane thing? Halle-fucking-lujah!  Just a little too late though, as the Alice and Fred come busting in. The timing does suck as it seemed Archie was, at long last, starting to rub his two functioning brain cells together, but I can’t say he doesn’t deserve this reality check. 

So instead of getting beaten up by the biker thug, Kevin hooks up with him. Now I know this is science fiction. Whatever. At least the thug is age-appropriate. 

Leave it to Alice Cooper to take a dimwitted underage kid getting taken advantage of by a sexual predator and turn it into a way to ruin the reputation of the kid. Way to keep your eye on the ball, Alice. 

Archie admitting that he’s selfish, stupid and doesn’t deserve to be Betty’s friend might be the most honest thing he’s said since this show started. He may be a dunderhead of the highest order, but at least he’s aware of it, for all the good it did him. 

Now Betty is threatening to tell everyone that she broke into Grundy’s car and made up the whole story just to protect Archie from her mom. I swear, this girl makes me want to use to term “cinnamon roll” unironically. Though I do wonder if her NOT protecting him could be the only way he might learn something from this situation. 

Fred tells Archie that he wasn’t being stupid and this thing with Grundy wasn’t his fault. Fred, I appreciate you trying to be an understanding dad, but please don’t let Archie off the hook just when he’s finally owned up to one of his failings. A get-out-of-jail-free card is that last thing he needs. 

Betty is such a pure angel of goodness and light that she actually apologizes to Archie. For a second, I’m afraid he’s going to blame her for what happened and don’t act like you weren’t thinking it too. But he acknowledges that she was just trying to help and it seems like these two are okay again. I’m pissed as all hell that Grundy has somehow avoided getting arrested, but I guess I’ll take what I can get right now. 

Betty goes right back to writing in her diary. Betty, if you must, at least get a wall safe for that thing so your mom can’t just read it whenever she wants next time, okay? 

And just to stick the knife in a little deeper, the show reminds us that Grundy still has a thing for underage boys and now she’s leaving town without going to jail, so she can ruin some other poor kid’s life somewhere else. Well, fuck-a-doodle-doo, that’s just the way I was hoping this storyline would end. smh 

I spend the whole episode wondering why Jughead is so attached to the drive-in, only to find out that he was living there and is now homeless. Good grief, that storyline did a one-eighty from confusing to heart-breaking in a big hurry.   

And the biker thug doing shady business with Veronica’s mom is Jughead’s dad? FFS, Riverdale, I thought we had an agreement about no more dysfunctional parent/child stuff. I’m kind of at my limit here. 

I’m almost afraid to ask, but... if Jughead is homeless, his dad’s in a gang and his mom isn’t around, then where’s his little sister? Please don’t tell me Jelly Bean is dead. 

[funface2]

The 50 best jokes from Edinburgh Fringe 2019's shows – and how to watch them all live – iNews

Culture

As the festival enters its final days, we round up the funniest gags on offer this year

Friday, 23rd August 2019, 09:28 am

Updated Friday, 6th September 2019, 16:32 pm

John Luke Roberts: I remember what my grandmother said to me on her deathbed. She said: ‘I wish I’d bought a normal bed.’ (Photo: Natasha Pszenicki)

I remember what my grandmother said to me on her deathbed. She said: ‘I wish I’d bought a normal bed.’ John Luke Roberts, Assembly Studio Two, 5.30pm

I went for my driving test the other day and the instructor said, ‘you’re in the wrong gear’. I said, ‘Why? What’s wrong with this tuxedo?’Nick Helm Pleasance Dome, 5.40pm; read i’s review of the show here

The best thing about being disabled is nobody ever wants you to babysit. In case you drop them. And recruit them. Rosie Jones, Pleasance Courtyard, 7pm

Do you reckon the band Chic ever found any takers for that free cow they were always trying to get rid of?Joz Norris, Heroes at the Hive, 4.40pm

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What do I want played at my funeral? Rugby.Goodbear, Pleasance Dome, 9.40pm

True crime documentaries are the only time the entertainment industry will take a chance on an unknown female lead. Jena Friedman, Assembly George Square Studios, 9.20pm

My teacher told me to make a vacuum – I thought, no pressure then.Leo Kearse Gilded Balloon, 9.15pm

Rosie Jones: ‘The best thing about being disabled is nobody ever wants you to babysit. In case you drop them. And recruit them’

In his job my dad’s never lost a case. That makes him Gatwick’s top baggage handler.Glenn Moore, Pleasance Courtyard, 4pm

I find it hard to believe Melania Trump had a body double for public appearances. It would definitely be for the private stuff. Laura Lexx, Gilded Balloon, 5.15pm

My mate came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition. He was close, but no cigar. Goose, Assembly George Square, 5.20pm

My mother doesn’t like the word vagina, so she calls it a ‘Lulu’ which was very confusing when I met my cousin Lulu, who coincidentally is a c***.Janine Harouni, Pleasance Courtyard, 5.45pm; read i’s review of the show here

Do I enjoy randomly appointing people to judicial positions? I’ll let you be the judge of that.Ivo Graham, Pleasance Courtyard, 7pm; read i’s review of the show here

I didn’t have sex at university for religious reasons. God hates me.Phil Wang Pleasance Courtyard, 8pm; read i’s review of the show here

Tiff Stevenson: ‘Jeremy Hunt has said he would lower abortion limit to 12 weeks. That’s funny because I’d raise it to whatever age Jeremy Hunt is’ (Photo: Steve Ullathorne)

My grandad died on April Fool’s Day. Every year for 10 years. Rhys James, Pleasance Courtyard, 6.30pm

I’m pleased to be getting a beer belly, I’ve always wanted a father figureCam Spence, Pleasance Courtyard, 4:30pm

I love Lorraine Kelly. I’m a big fan of her earlier work – the stuff she does before quarter to nine.Martha McBrier, Laughing Horse @ The Counting House, 7.15pm

Jeremy Hunt has said he would lower abortion limit to 12 weeks. That’s funny because I’d raise it to whatever age Jeremy Hunt is.Tiffany Stevenson, Monkey Barrel, 9.15pm

A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, ‘Yes, of course, that’s 20 cows’.Jake Lambert, Pleasance Courtyard, 8.15pm

My new boyfriend told me he’s got my face as his wallpaper, which I thought was cute until I saw his lounge.Steff Todd, Just the Tonic @ The Caves, 2pm

As a Russian, I admire Jeremy Corbyn – he’s tough. The KGB could interrogate him for a week and still not find out what his position on Brexit is.Konstantin Kisin, Gilded Ballon, 7pm

Ivo Graham’s sixth show at the Edinburgh Fringe is about becoming a dad

I fully support the school strikers on climate change. I’m just annoyed that they didn’t call it the minors’ strike.Matt Winning, Pleasance Courtyard, 4.25pm

When applying for a job as an estate agent, the interviewer worried that my CV was a bit small. I said ‘actually it’s really cosy’ and I was immediately hired.Alex Kealy, Just the Tonic at the Caves, 6.40pm 

Did you know the word ‘Ikea’ is actually made up of two Swedish words? “Ika”, meaning “Sunday”, and “Keya”, meaning “f***ing ruined.”The Scummy Mummies, Assembly Rooms, 7.50pm

I won Jewish comedian of the year, my mum was judging, then again, she always does.Joe Bor, Laughing Horse @ The Lockup, Cowgate, 3.45pm

Some people think being working class is a negative thing but I think there’s loads of benefits. I’ve claimed them all.Kelly Convey, Pleasance Courtyard, 7.15pm

I got invited to a gender reveal party – when you invite all your friends over to find out the gender of your child and release pink balloons if it’s a girl or blue balloons if it’s going to earn more.Robin Morgan, The Pear Tree, 4.05pm

They say some people ‘inhale books’. I know someone who injects books right into his veins. Particularly ones with female protagonists. He’s a heroine addict.Izzy Mant, Underbelly Bristo Square, 2.50pm

Adam Hess: ‘It must be annoying for clocks that from their perspective their hands are moving anti-clockwise’ (Photo: Matt Crockett)

I know that Banksy’s my dad, because I never see him.Flo & Joan, Assembly George Square Gardens, 6pm

I tell my friends I’m here for them 24/7 because it sounds better than saying I’m only here for them on the 24th of July.Andy Field, Just the Tonic, 2.10pm

It must be annoying for clocks that from their perspective their hands are moving anti-clockwise.Adam Hess, Pleasance Courtyard, 7.15pm

With enough revs and determination any restaurant is a drive-thru. Tom Taylor, Pleasance Courtyard, 6pm

My name is Sukh, which is short for Sukhjeet, which is Sanskrit for you’re never going to find it on a fucking keyring in a gift shop.Sukh Ojla, Gilded Balloon, 5:15pm

I haven’t looked up the definition of hyperbole in, like, forever.Caitlin Cook, Just the Tonic at the Grassmarket Centre, 5.50pm

British people are like coconuts. Hard on the outside but sweet once you crack us. Also often found full of alcohol and holding an umbrella.Milo McCabe, Underbelly, 5.30pm

Catherine Bohart: ‘I suppose lesbian sex is a bit like cricket, in that it goes on forever and there’s a lot of men watching it at home, alone, on the internet’

I’m making a TV series about the different parts of my gas cooker – I’ve already filmed the pilot.Olaf Falafel, Laughing Horse @ The Pear Tree, 2.50pm

I’m pretty sure Jesus is Gay because every time I go to God’s house he’s got pictures of him on the wall with 12 hot guys having brunch.James Barr, Underbelly, 5.20pm

I suppose lesbian sex is a bit like cricket, in that it goes on forever and there’s a lot of men watching it at home, alone, on the internet. Catherine Bohart, Pleasance Courtyard, 6pm

I look the wrong way when crossing the road, so people think I just got back from Paris.Joe Sutherland, Banshee Labyrinth, 10:10pm

My dad is like a black James Bond: it’d be great to see him, but he’s unlikely to make an appearance.Alexander Fox, Pleasance Courtyard, 6pm

In Poirot you meet six really posh people, and you know one of them is going to be murdered. In real life, you rarely get such good odds.Alasdair Beckett-King, Pleasance Dome, 6.50pm 

In my show we won’t be using things like a Ouija Board. Or if you don’t speak French – a Yesja board.SÉAYONCÉ, Assembly George Square, 10.20pm 

Ahir Shah: ‘The Arab Spring was 8 years ago. I thought “How long can a crisis conceivably last?”, and then I looked at my own personal life and was like “Yeah, that makes sense”’

My girlfriend and I are saving up for a mortgage, but it isn’t going very well – because sadly, all of our grandparents are still alive. Matt Richardson, Just the Tonic at The Tron, 9pm

Devon, the county of the UK where you put the cream on the scone before voting Leave.Ivo Graham, Pleasance Courtyard, 7pm

I was living in my office for a while, until it failed its MOT.Jim Campbell, Just the Tonic at the Caves, 5.20pm

Scotland heckled Boris Johnson so badly he had to leave by the back door, like one of his mistresses.Grace Campbell, Gilded Balloon, 3.15pm; read i’s review here

I like to watch Love Your Garden when I have my tea and then True Crime before bed. I feel really confident about being able to bury a body and know what to plant on top of it.Lucy Beaumont, Pleasance Courtyard, 4.45pm  

Me and my partner were going to go on holiday to Norway this year but we costed it up and in the end we couldn’t af-fjord it. Tom Parry, Pleasance Courtyard, 6pm

The Arab Spring was 8 years ago. I thought “How long can a crisis conceivably last?”, and then I looked at my own personal life and was like “Yeah, that makes sense.”Ahir Shah, Monkey Barrel, 1.45pm

Behind every successful man is me, trying to get his attention.Lou Sanders, Monkey Barrel, 3.15pm; read i’s review of the show here

I find it quite ironic that erectile dysfunction is on the rise.Rob Auton, Assembly George Square, 2.50pm 

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Bài viết The 50 best jokes from Edinburgh Fringe 2019's shows – and how to watch them all live – iNews đã xuất hiện đầu tiên vào ngày Funface.

from Funface https://funface.net/best-jokes/the-50-best-jokes-from-edinburgh-fringe-2019s-shows-and-how-to-watch-them-all-live-inews-2/