#it goes through the horrors but yknow it stays silly

[boygirlctommy]

oh ya i dont think i posted this yet. kiet d'kaio my babygirl i love it so much

[fandommemequeen]

my 2023.

yearly retrospective time LETZ GO!!!

last year i said 2022 sucked but uh,, 2023 was definitely worse :'o)

with the rise in queerphobic legistlation, school getting progressively harder to stay on track with, my dad dying, and just everything else that ive had to endure this year, its been difficult. but.. i somehow made it.

and you might be wondering how i got through everything. did i touch grass and magically everything was sunshine and rainbows? buy some overpriced self help book or online course that changed my life? No <3

i just,, did what i normally do. i played video games, talked with my friends, watched youtube, brainrotted over fandoms, listened to music, came up with cool outfits, somehow made it through skool, drew, wrote, cosplayed, roleplayed, made kandi and crafts, and just overall found ways to find joy in the small things, which goes a long way when youre trans in a world where your joy is an act of rebellion.

i also had some cool fandom moments this year! season 7 of siivagunner has been AWESOME, return to dream land deluxe was great even if it fricked with the lore a little, THE TOH FINALE WAS SO FRICKIN GOOD, marios madness may be my new fave fnf mod, NPMD THREW ME BACK INTO MY HATCHETFIELD FIXATION, i FINALLY got the kirby planet robobot soundtrack cd and the limited edition quiznos training game physical edition, i found ways to actually enjoy WDY again and leave behind itz toxic fandom, i got into pokepasta, tintn, gogos crazy bones, playtime with percy, inside job, tadc, i started listening to mal blum and against me and chonny jash, im currently being dragged into eggotama as we speak and im getting back into mpdsap,,

but the fandom that had the most impact for me this year was the june archive and restoration project. getting into TJA led me to discover bowlbys other works and get into one of the best fandoms ive ever been in, thanks in part to the june archive and restoration project fanserver. ive met so many cool people through that server, and getting to chat and VC with them has always been a blast. [yknow what? shoutout to all my friends that ive loved talking with all throughout 2023 yall are awesome]

back to life stuff for a moment here, i got to do a lotta cool stuff this year! i FINALLY homebrewed my 3ds [with a bit of help from jaco xd], GOT TO SEE THE HAUNTING OF NIGHT VALE LIVE, put together some awesome cosplays for gencon and halloween, im getting better at rhythm games, i got SECOND PLACE in my skoolz national cybersecurity codebreakers competition, i had an awesome bday, i went to go see barbie [my first movie in theaters since lockdown] and fnaf and both were AWESOME!! all of this despite everything thats happened in 2023!

and as for my creative projectz,, DIGIVERSE REBOOT EPISODE 3 FINALLY RELEASED BACK IN MAY!!!!!! holy frick i was SO PROUD of that,, in addition, ive been doing character reveals for gamerz epic megamix take, i created the doomed timelines awoken au, and ive strengthened my artstyle into what it is today while learning how to use my drawing tablet :3

in addition, getting into TJA and watching bowlbys animation legacy made me think about my past as a creator, and i started work on giving my old book ocs from my days in the TWOW fandom the care and attention they deserve, even if it means some slight redesigns or rewrites. speaking of TWOW, EWOW IS OUT AND IM GETTING BACK INTO TWOW AFTER YEARS!! feelz good to be back, and im hoping i can maybe properly host a minitwow at some point in 2024!

overall 2023 wasnt great, but i stayed silly and had fun despite it and i think thatz very swag of me!

now, every time i do one of these things, if i do an overconfident "bring it on" type message at the end i almost always end up regretting it, AND i am absolutely terrified about 2024 so i am not taking my chances!

so i leave u with this sentiment towards 2024 instead:

i gotta survive The Horrors anyway, might as well stay silly and do what i like while im doing it :3

[mothbug]

 ranking of love live (only µ’s and aqours bc i dont know enough about nijigasaki or liella to really make any judgements) relationships based on my opinions alone. i should be studying for my finals. nobody needs to read this i just need to make my stances clear

the best:

yohamaru. other people had their gay awakenings to nozoeli but nooo i was an aqours fan i had to latch onto these weirdos when i was in 8th grade. anyway they have it ALL and it astonishes me that they’re not more popular. the childhood friends reunited. the jokey banter. the fact that hanamaru is DEFINITELY also a little weird but people don’t notice. the fact that their voices sound so good together and we deserve a duo song...is it really possible for a choir girl and a twitch streamer to be in a relationship... i truly believe that even if hanamaru teases yoshiko sometimes she truly believes that she’s the coolest person EVER. hanamaru sees that her old best friend is going through a warriors phase and demanding to be called ‘ravenstar’ and just goes god she’s still so awesome. they watch horror movies together and yoshiko cowers behind hanamaru the whole time while hanamaru considers the artistic merit of the plot. i think they are nonbinary lesbianisms together.

nozoeli. they’re so married. garasu no hanazono has been my top song on spotify wrapped for two years in a row. despite arguably being the most canon relationship they can fit so much yearning in there. i don’t even know what to say about them they’re so good. they really do have gay aunts energy.

rinpana. they’re t4t and the most autistic girls around and they��ve been in love with each other for so long they feel like it’s sort of an unspoken thing. like of course we love each other silly. everyone else tells rin ‘CUT YOUR MULLET NOW’ but hanayo just goes ..’wow... a mane. you’re like a cute little lion’ and rin keeps the mullet forever. who can say if this is good or bad.

chikayouriko. people always fight over these guys because they don’t realize none of them should be left out. you can’t have chikariko without you you can’t have chikayou without riko and you can’t even have youriko without chika. they’re sillay. we’re getting into the trios category now btw

kanamaridia. similar to chikayouriko in that people constantly leave dia out even though she’s so important to the dynamic.. i think they all got ‘married’ as kids and none of them have really let it go and they really can’t imagine the real deal happening in any other way. it’s always been the three of them.

honokotoumi. very similar in backstory to kanamaridia but they’re a lot stupider about it. i think kotoumi are a lot more obvious but honoka is the glue that holds them together. they all complement each other very well.

the ‘okay i can see it’:

youruby: i think this could be cute. they have personalities that mesh well together and i think they’d have a lot of fun just hanging out.

rubyleah. it’s fun! i feel like they have a lot of parallels and differences that work out in a nice way, but also i feel like leah didn’t have enough screen time to get me invested in this. i also hc ruby as arospec so i think it’d take more time than they got for her to develop feelings for anyone.

rikomaki. red hair pianists. it’s cute. this is the only cross-group relationship i’ll even consider just because it’s fun.

the ‘only platonically. sorry’:

yohariko. i actually really dislike this romantically for some reason, but by GOD their friendship is SO fucking fun. the two people you wouldn’t ever really think could be besties just end up clicking. i mean EVERYONE in aqours is friends but they usually stay within their ‘years’ yknow? it’s nice to see. i think they’re supportive forces in each other’s lives and help each other stay grounded and live a little respectively. people probably assume they’re dating bc of how close they become, but they aren’t. if anyone asks riko probably just starts laughing, which yoshiko acts very offended about.

rubymaru. this is?? kind of pushed as much as yohamaru is but i just don’t see it as anything but platonic. i think it’s also kinda boring and does a disservice to both of their characters. i like them as friends a lot but i feel like they’re more interesting when there’s other characters to interact with. i like maru being the kind of friend that encourages ruby to be more confident. emotional support hanamaru that helps her just. order a drink. ruby calls hanamaru at like 12 at night to ask for ideas for costumes and hanamaru always picks up.

nicomaki. I KNOWWWW they push it so hard in everything they put them in but the age gap bothers me. i think a lot of people look past it because maki is very mature and collected and nico is. nico. and the dynamic could be cute. but. idk  a lot of people gloss over the fact that maki is 15 and nico is 17. they’re still really good as friends.

every other relationship i haven’t mentioned. they’re all best friends to me.

very funny one sided:

ruby having a one-sided crush on kanan would be SO funny. the ‘older sister’s cool boyfriend’ effect. ruby admires her strength and carefree attitude a lot, but i think she gets over it pretty quickly and comes to see her as a friend that she just looks up to.

[trillgutterbug]

in which a 4am note-writing session turns into shitty nic/geoff camping fic

-So I’m sitting here thinking, how would it happen, Nic and Geoff, finally getting their shit together?

-Not in a bar, that’s too easy.

-Maybe camping tho.

-Except I can’t see Nic going camping for shiggles, not at this point.

-Well

-Unless he’s just…. going through some stuff and he mentions it to Geoff sort of in melancholic passing one night, installed at the pub on their sixth round, lights low and fuckin kenny rogers on the juke, mentions that he wants to go back out, see how it is in the woods at night by himself when he’s not drugged or terrified out of his mind.

-And Geoff is like, Haha okay buddy but try this on for size: no fucking way are you going camping out there alone, you need a big strong man to protect you.

-Nic sort of grins a little sleepy and drunk at him and says, You’re not that big.

-Geoff grins back, leans across the table to do a bicep curl in front of Nic’s face. Yeah alright, but feel this, he says. Go on hot shot, give it a squeeze.

-Nic does, giggling, says softly, Yeah okay. I guess you can come, you passed the test.

-So they go out camping that weekend. Just for the night. They don’t go far, a respectable hour’s walk, nothing any casual camper wouldn’t do.

-They make a fire and Nic says no thanks to the beer Geoff brought; he wants to be on top of his game, clear-eyed and clear-headed.

-Geoff doesn’t drink any either. Nic tells him it’s fine, it’s not a thing, but Geoff says, Nah man, no way, if you’re sober I’m sober. I’m your muscle, right?

-Nic looks down into the fire and smiles a little and doesn’t answer.

-They talk for a long time, about growing up and their school years and Geoff’s tours and tv they like and the hobbies they had as teenagers (LARPing and karate respectively, and it’s not respective the way you’d think) and and and

-Natural and quiet and relaxed, long past dark.

-Nic says a few strange things after a while, nothing overt, just shit that makes Geoff pause and squint at him across the fire, rambling morbid questioning things that trail off into silence.

-Sorry, Nic says, shaking himself, chuckling with embarrassment. Um sorry, that was weird. I didn’t mean… anything by that.

-Nah man, says Geoff, poking at the fire with a stick. It’s cool it’s cool, I know you’re a fuckin nerd, no point apologizing now.

-…Right, Nic murmurs, in that soft amused way.

-They go to bed, to their own tents.

-Say goodnight to each other, close and clear even though it feels like they’re miles apart with those thin walls of nylon between them.

-Geoff lies awake for a long time with one hand pressed against his chest, feeling his heartbeat. He’s breathless, wrenched with tender protective longing all the way through.

-He’s in deep fucking trouble.

-He sleeps for a while, and then he wakes up. He knows something’s off. It scares the shit out of him.

-He scrambles out of the tent nearly panicked, sure there’s something wrong, that there’s danger.

-Nic’s tent is wide open, empty.

-Geoff finds him with the beam of his flashlight at the edge of the woods on the other side of the cold ashy fire. He’s just standing there in his boxers and t-shirt, staring into the trees. He doesn’t answer when Geoff calls him. It’s like a fucking horror movie. Geoff’s a brave motherfucker okay but he’s wigged the hell out.

-Nic? he says, sidling up beside him. Buddy? You okay?

-Nic’s eyes are open, but he’s just staring. He’s breathing slow and even. Geoff touches him and he doesn’t startle exactly but he sort of shivers all over, like he’s coming up out of deep water.

-He says, I had a dream.

-He describes this dream slowly, the words sure but the memory fading. It doesn’t make a lot of sense, it’s about flowers and flying, a smell and a light. It trails off.

-Geoff says, You wanna get back in your tent buddy?

-…No, Nic says. I want to��� I wanna stay out here for a little while.

-Alright, Geoff says, but aren’t you cold?

-No, Nic says. Laughs. Of course I’m not cold.

-They sit down in the leaves and the dirt. Geoff describes a silly dream he’d had, just something to talk about, to fill the unnerving quiet. In the middle of it, the middle of his sentence, Nic sinks down and curls up with his head in Geoff’s lap.

-It makes him stammer, stop, say, Ummm haha okay hi?

-Don’t stop, Nic sighs. I like your voice.

-Oh, Geoff says. Oh. Okay.

-He talks and talks. After a while, he realises he’s stroking Nic’s hair, just a soft careful petting, thoughtless.

-Nic rolls over to look up at him eventually. He reaches to touch Geoff’s face, trails his fingers down the curve of Geoff’s jaw. 

-I like you, he says. You're… a good friend.

-Thanks, Geoff says through the lump in his throat.

-When Nic draws him down, he only hesitates for a second. They kiss easily, tenderly. Geoff’s heart tries to pound out of his chest. Nic is so much more confident than he’d expected, unhurried but determined, his hand firm on the back of Geoff’s neck. 

-His mouth makes Geoff rethink the entire world.

-They kiss for a while, deep, slow, and then Nic sighs again, sleepy. He burrows deeper into Geoff’s lap. 

-Talk to me some more? he asks.

-Geoff can hardly breathe, can hardly think or speak, he’s so full of everything all at once and it’s huge and overwhelming and trembling, but he clears his throat and croaks, Yeah alright, and goes back to talking.

-Maybe a half hour later, Nic shudders all over. He gasps and sits straight up. He looks around in bewilderment.

-Geoff? he says. What are we… Why are we outside? Am I– Am I…?

-It takes a second, but Geoff realises. Like a sick horrible curdled wave crashing over him, he realises. 

-Oh, he says. Oh. Uh oh. Uhhhh I think you were… I think maybe you were sleepwalking? You didn’t want to go back to bed, so…

-Nic is clearly embarrassed, but too confused and disoriented to make it a Thing. He says, Oh well thank you, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.

-Geoff tells him, Hey don’t worry about it, it was fine, I didn't… I didn’t mind.

-He is sunk beneath the crushing weight of his enormous disappointed guilt.

-Let’s get you back to bed, he murmurs, and takes Nic to his tent. Gets him inside and sort of crouches there outside the flap, Nic squinting sleepily at him in the beam of the flashlight.

-He has to say something. He’s heavy with guilt.

-He says, Hey so, I just gotta tell you, I’m not gonna be that asshole who… Um anyway, I’m really sorry, but I sort of. I sort of kissed– Well, we, back there, before you– before you woke up, I didn’t realise you were sleepwalking, I swear to Christ I didn’t, but uh– we sort of made out? A bit? Not a lot! It was just sort of, uh yknow heat of the moment, I don’t know man ha it just kinda– kinda happened, I’m real sorry, I never would have– if I’d realised. I’m an idiot, clearly. Let’s forget about it if that’s cool, I’m not gonna get… get weird on you or… or anything, I just wanted you to know. 

-We made out? Nic says. He doesn’t look angry. He looks kind of puzzled. We kissed? he says. Just now, over in the… We kissed?

-Uh yeah, Geoff mutters. We did, sort of.

-Sort of? What does that mean, sort of?

-Well I guess I just mean… nah, it wasn’t sort of, we did. There was… kissing, yeah. Makin… Makin out, haha (rubbing the back of his neck, face on fire)

-Huh, Nic says. Well that’s not… too surprising.

-Its not?? Geoff says.

-Well, no… Nic sort of shrugs one shoulder, ducks his head. I’ve kinda… I mean I’ve had… Sort of a thing? For you. For a while. Yknow…

-You’ve. You’ve had a, uh. A thing. Geoff stares. For me. For a while.

-Is that weird? Nic says, but not like he actually thinks it is. Like he thinks Geoff is being weird.

-No no! Geoff says. No. Ha no. Nah. Not weird. Kind of um. That's… good. That’s good right? You’re not upset? That I uh

-No, Nic says. Shakes his head so his hair falls in his eyes. No I’m not… I’m not upset.

-Okay. Geoff rubs his sweaty hands down his jeaned thighs. He laughs, nervous relief. Okay! That’s– good! I’m glad! Wow haha, I was really… really worried for a sec there.

-Yeah, Nic says. Hey do you… want to sleep in here with me? For the night? Not to do anything, not like that, just um. I’m kind of. I don’t want to be… (by myself, he doesn’t say)

-Yeah, Geoff says, breathless, a little fast. Okay, yeah.

-He crawls into the tent with Nic and shuts off the flashlight. They wedge themselves into Nic’s sleeping bag. It’s silly and it’s too small and it’s amazing. Geoff wants to die in every good way. Nic cuddles up against him, head tucked under his chin, against his chest.

-Geoff squeezes his eyes shut and just reminds himself to fucking breathe.

-(In the morning Nic smiles at him sweet and close and says, I know morning breath isn’t like sexy or anything, but since I missed all the kissing last night……. could we maybe do an encore?)

-(And Geoff doesn’t even say yes, he doesn’t need to, he pulls Nic into him like the closing of a set of parentheses)

-(Nic is late getting to work, but that’s okay, that’s what interns are for)