#it follows his wishes so clearly and YET! and YET he is denied the catharsis of death after such a fight

[impossible-rat-babies]

sitting here goofy pool for the 283737 time of zenos killing eyrie. the is no ruin for the both of them—there is merely the cold silence of loneliness when he holds their limp body and they empty eyes staring at the heavens and realizing there is nothing left in the universe now.

[jadelotusflower]

June 2021 Roundup

It's been a month of highs and lows. Every year my city holds a cabaret festival, and I've seen some truly amazing acts over the years - including Lea Salonga, Kristin Chenoweth, and Indina Menzel. This year's Artistic Director was the great Alan Cumming, and although due to covid he didn't quite get to curate the program he wanted to, the opening night Gala was still a highlight, as was Alan's DJ set at the pop-up Club Cumming afterwards, where there was much singing at the top of my lungs and dancing to pop anthems and theatre tunes. At one point Alan, dressed in a onesie and perched on the shoulders of a man wearing only sparkly short shorts, was carried around the dance floor while Circle of Life blared. Reader, I was delighted.

I was also able to see his solo show Alan Cumming Is Not Acting His Age, which was hilarious and damn, he can sing!

As for the low, I was meant to fly to Sydney for the weekend to see Hamilton, a trip I have been looking forward to for almost a year, but had to be cancelled because of a covid outbreak and border closures. The tickets have been rescheduled, but I'm still kind of bummed about it (while completely appreciating the need for covid safety, especially when our vaccine rollout has been completely botched by our incompetent, corrupt federal government)

Anyway.

Reading

The Hundred and One Dalmations (Dodie Smith) - With all the bewilderment over Disney's Cruella, I decided to revisit the original novel which I first read as a kid. It's funny, I had very vivid memories of this book, or rather thought I did, particularly the scene where Roger and Anita have dinner at Cruella's house that fixed in my young mind as utterly disturbing with all this devil imagery and the implication Cruella was literally some kind of demon, which must have been either a) my overactive imagination or b) an illustration, because it's not as clear as I thought it was. The strangeness is there (food with too much pepper, Cruella's inability to keep warm, the walls painted blood red) but not the explicit demon imagery I had remembered. There is a part later in the book recounting the history of Hell Hall and the rumors of Cruella's ancestor streaking out of the place conjuring blue lightening, but clearly child me was reading far more into the book than was on the page.

But I still wish they'd gone with this version of Cruella's backstory, because to me an aristocratic, ink-drinking, heat-obsessed, possibly-demon spawn, high camp villain is more interesting and rings far more true than plucky punk against the establishment.

Smith clearly had Facts About Dalmations to share, and she does really craft a wonderful animal-based story that the Disney animated film is largely faithful to. Key differences include: Roger's occupation (he doesn't have to pay tax because he wiped out government debt somehow?!?), Pongo's mate and the puppy's mother is called Missis, Perdita is another dalmation who acts as a kind of doggie wet nurse, Roger and Anita both have Nannies who come to live with them (Nanny Butler and Nanny Cook), Cruella is married to a furrier (who changed his last name to de Vil). Also odd, on her first description Cruella is described as having "dark skin" but later in the novel her "white face" is mentioned, so I'm chalking it up to 50's descriptors not having the same meanings they do today.

The Duke and I (Julia Quinn) - After being just whelmed by the tv series, I wasn't really planning on reading the books, but I saw this on the top picks shelf at the library and damn, the top picks shelf is irresistible. This is very much Daphne's book (and I had known each in the series dealt with the different sibling) so many of the characters and much of the plot of the show is absent, as are some of the more baffling elements of the show like the Diamond of the First Water nonsense, which I always thought was a strange character choice in that it stacks the deck for Daphne when her character arc is better served as somewhat of an underdog (in her third season, the kind of girl who is liked but not adored), and the Prince subplot which was always far too OTT even for soapy regency romance.

It's a breezy, fun read (that scene excepted), even if the misunderstandings are contrived and I'm never going to take "I'll never have kids because I hate my dad" as a credible romantic obstacle deserving of so much angst.

Faeries (Brian Froud and Alan Lee) - A lovingly detailed and illustrated compendium of Faerie and its inhabitants, drawing from a range of European (but primarily Celtic) folklore and mythology. Froud was a conceptual designer on The Dark Crystal and Labyrinth, and the link is clear in the art as well as the focus on faeries as mysterious but oftimes sinister beings, where human encounters with them rarely end well. Lee has illustrated several publications of Tolkien's novels, and was a lead concept artists for Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings and Hobbit trilogies, and there is a touch of Middle Earth here as well, or rather the common inspiration of the old world. A useful resource for my novel!

Watching

The Handmaid's Tale (season 4, episodes 4-8) SPOILERS - So when I last wrote about this show in the Roundup, I was complaining it wasn't going anywhere. Well, I'm happy to be wrong because they finally changed things up with June finally escaping to Canada. That part of the plot following the survivors and their trauma has always been far more compelling than Gilead, and so it was a welcome development even if I side-eye some of the choices (none of these characters is seeing an actual licensed therapist why?).

This show has always been difficult to watch given the subject matter, and that has not changed after the shift in power dynamics. I will give the show credit for showing a broad range of trauma responses, from Moira wanting to move on and not let it consume her, to June, a ball of rage and revenge on a downward spiral, to Emily, trying to follow Moira's path but being drawn to June's, to Luke, trying his best but utterly unequipped to deal with what is happening.

But it is very hard to watch June go down this path - raping her husband (I concede the show perhaps didn't intend for it to be rape, but that's what is on screen and framing it as just "taking away Luke's agency" doesn't change that), wishing death on Serena's unborn child, and orchestrating Fred's brutal murder by particulation, then holding her own daughter still covered in his blood and it getting smeared on Nicole's face (an unsubtle metaphor in a series full of unsubtle metaphors).

There are interesting questions being asked of the viewer, and the show (perhaps rightly) not giving any answers. I can certainly appreciate the catharsis of Fred getting what he deserves even if I personally find the manner of it horrifying, but where is the line between justice and revenge, is revenge the only option when justice is denied, when does a trauma release become cyclical violence/abuse - the show is, for now, letting the viewer decide.

Soul (dir. Pete Docter and Kemp Powers) - In a world full of remakes/reboots/sequels, Pixar is perhaps the lone segment under the Disney umbrella committed to original content. However, there does seem to be a Pixar formula at work directed to precision tugging the heart strings, and some of the film feels like well-trod ground. On the other hand, it's hard to criticise the risk of centering a kids film around the existential crisis of a middle aged man, even with the requisite cutesy elements (and of course, the uncomfortable pattern of yet another film where the black lead character spends a great deal of the runtime in non-human form - herein, an amorphous blob or a cat). But the animation is stunning, it successfully did tug my heart strings, and the design of the Great Before and the Jerrys is original and fun.

RuPaul's Drag Race Down Under - Drag Race is somewhat of a guilty pleasure for me, since I generally don't watch reality shows, and this is something I really enjoy even if I'm not invested in the fandom (which like many fandoms can be very yikes). This year it was time for the Australian/New Zealand (Aotearoa) queens to show their stuff, although it's been met with mixed reactions. Covid restrictions didn't allow for guest judges, relegating them to mere cameos via video calls, and its clear that Ru and Michelle really don't quite get all the cultural nuances - Aussie judge Rhys Nicholson was however always delightful. But it wouldn't be Australia without a racism scandal, with the great disappointment of the two queens of colour eliminated first, and one queen having done blackface in the recent past yet making it all the way to the top four.

In the end, the only viable and deserving winner was last Kiwi standing Kita Mean, and it was pure joy to see her get crowned. I do hope they fix the bugs and indeed do another season to better showcase AU/NZ talent.

Writing

A far more productive month - to try and get out of my writing funk I had a goal to try and write every day, even if it was only 100 words. While I didn't quite achieve a consecutive month, I did get a pretty good average, at least got something posted and two others nearly there.

The Lady of the Lake - 2441 words, Chapter 4 posted.

Against the Dying of the Light - 2745 words

Turn Your Face to the Sun - 1752 words.

Here I Go Again - 1144 words

Total words this month: 8082

Total words this year: 35,551

[ryanmeft]

Movie Review: Birds of Prey

Birds of Prey is absolutely a product, and Grrl Power, as a brand, is being used to sell it. To deny this was a factor at every stage of production would be credulity beyond reason---the characters frequently point it out, managing to work comments about the power of women and the horribleness of men into conversation about every ten minutes. It just so happens that it works. The movie’s operating on the same turf as hundreds of flicks where one team of hard men takes on the world and wins, seducing or dominating any women they happen to come across. It’s just that the roles have been flipped.

If you’re expecting more, you’ll be disappointed. The plot’s as thin as they come. Harley Quinn (Margot Robbie, also a producer and chief motivator in getting the movie made) has, sometime after the events of the godawful Suicide Squad, been given the boot by the Joker, who is never seen outside of animation or brief silhouette because Jared Leto is presumably expensive. Without the protection offered her by Gotham’s #1 crime figure, it’s open season on Harley. Text flashes on screen to break down what she’s done to piss off each new assailant, and some of the offenses are genuinely funny. Eventually, though, she realizes it’s too hot for her to handle, and in exchange for her life agrees to track down a valuable diamond for twisted small-time crime lord Roman Sionis (Ewan McGregor). The diamond is nothing but a plot device which serves to bring the other characters into the fold. There’s aging police detective Renee Montoya (Rosie Perez), who was passed over for promotion in favor of a man. Dinah Lance (Jurnee Smollett-Bell) is a singer at Roman’s nightclub and later bodyguard, whose inept colleague Zsasz (Chris Messina) almost immediately loses the jewel to a teenaged pickpocket (Ella Jay Basco). Mary Elizabeth Winstead is a crossbow-wielding killer tracking down underworld figures. Not a single bit of this matters in the least---it’s all there because the movie needs a reason, however flimsy, for these people to be out there fighting against and eventually with each other.

The fuel of the film is energy, not plot. With respect to the talented cast, two of its members bring most of the heat: Robbie and McGregor. Robbie previously played the role in Suicide Squad, where she and Will Smith were the only reasons not to walk out. Her co-stars aren’t as dull this time around---Christina Hodson’s script has a few good ideas for them, like Winstead’s frustration over her superhero name. Without Robbie’s Quinn, however, the team would be largely standard (the ending offers a convenient way to remove her from the sequel, which also provides a convenient reason not to make one). She mercifully puts paid to the idea that her “relationship” with Joker, long idealized by comic fans who confuse regular abuse with love, is a good thing. Robbie gets the most out of the character, breaking the fourth wall and causing low-key mayhem with a lot of profanity while secretly wishing for a more ordinary life.

McGregor, in turn, is perfect as the villain, and it is to the credit of director Cathy Yan that she seems to have mostly allowed these two characters to do their thing---no amount of micro-managing could be responsible for Sionis’s deeply disturbing-yet-magnetic mad criminal, who gets a clearly sexual charge out of having people’s faces cut off and struts about in pink shirts like a maniacal parade float. When he eventually puts on the character’s titular black mask, it feels like performance art. I don’t typically read cast lists going in, and was surprised to find someone of McGregor’s caliber, known for playing heroes, in the role. He’s usually got a fairly relaxed style, a sort of Aw, Shucks leading man in the vein of Jimmy Stewart. Tasked with playing a scene-chewing baddie, though, he licks the plate clean and orders seconds.  

When Martin Scorsese said superhero pictures were amusement park rides and that they had their place, I feel like this is the sort of movie that exemplifies that comment. It’s not there to suggest new ideas to you, to take you into the souls of any of the characters, or even to try out new concepts in technical filmmaking, It’s there to offer the target audience exactly what they came to receive, and is very careful to disguise or omit anything that might get in the way of that. As an example, many of Harley’s stunts---blowing up a chemical factory, drunkenly assaulting nightclub patrons, charging down a supermarket check-out line with a full cart---are, in keeping with the character, snap decisions, and if she did them in real life would be incredibly likely to get women and men hurt. The film makes sure to only place men in the path of these rampages. At times you can hear the screenwriter’s voice, saying “Okay, we made sure not to alienate anyone we want to impress with this scene.”

Normally I might kick more about such things, but then the movie is only doing what testicle-centric action pictures have been doing since the dawn of film: carefully arranging things so that the heroes don’t do any serious or lasting harm to anyone or anything which might affect our identification with them. It happens every time John McClane mows through city streets in a truck or a snowplow or whatever, and miraculously only the bad guys get hurt; no accidental flattenings of a family minivan here. That places Birds of Prey not so much as female empowerment---which is more the goal of Wonder Woman or Captain Marvel---but as female catharsis, as the kind of power fantasy normally aimed at men but now being offered to women. Men who think the very existence of such a movie is political would do well to remember they do not think that when Liam Neeson and his particular set of skills single-handedly end sex trafficking without once harming an innocent bystander.

Verdict: Recommended

Note: I don’t use stars, but here are my possible verdicts.

Must-See

Highly Recommended

Recommended

Average

Not Recommended

Avoid like the Plague

 You can follow Ryan's reviews on Facebook here:

https://www.facebook.com/ryanmeftmovies/

 Or his tweets here:

https://twitter.com/RyanmEft

 All images are property of the people what own the movie.

[allthephils]

Repose

Chapter 8

I will likely post the next chapter very soon! Thanks for reading!

Word count: 3068 Rating M (language, sleeping beauty au)

Read on ao3

The sun was low in the sky when Phil finally left Dan’s side. He gave Adrian a hug goodbye and a promise to see him tomorrow. This time, when Phil got in the car, he was surprised to see Dennis at the wheel. “Oh. Hi. I thought you were working the door.”

Dennis eyed Phil in the rear view mirror. “Working the door? I’m not a bouncer, mate.”

“I know that Dennis, that’s not what I meant. Just, I trust you with his life, that’s all.”

“Yeah, don’t worry, I left someone I trust at my post.”

It was strange talking to Dennis again. He knew more about Phil and Dan than anyone. He was witness to their love story and to their undoing. He looked the other way on more than one occasion so that Dan could just be an 18 year old man, so that he could fall in love. Gratitude brought tears to Phil’s eyes, taking him completely by surprise. Exhaustion, both physical and emotional, had left him raw and sensitive.

“Dennis, I’m glad you’re here. I wanted to thank you. For letting me in yesterday. It really means the world to me and it looks like it might really make a difference to Dan too.”

Dennis stayed focused on the road. “Well, it’s not like you gave me much of a choice, Phil.”

“Yeah, sorry about all that. But I know full well that you could have tackled me to the ground or had me arrested, or like, thrown in the dungeon or something.”

It’s a miracle the glass didn’t shatter for the look Dennis gave Phil in the mirror. They were quiet until they neared Phil’s apartment.

“8am tomorrow.” Dennis said authoritatively.

Phil winced. “Um, actually Dennis. I don’t really do 8am. I need to be rested and emotionally prepared when I see Dan so let’s say noon. Ok?”

Dennis got out and opened Phil’s door. “Noon then.”

Phil stood in front of Dennis and looked at his tired face. He’d aged since Phil first met him, more than 5 years worth and it occurred to Phil that this must be really hard for Dennis too.

“Dennis, this is so scary, for all of us. If you ever need anyone to talk to… I mean, are you doing ok?”

Dennis patted Phil hard on the shoulder, it seemed like a pretty important gesture though Phil wasn’t quite sure what it meant. He didn’t say another word, just got in the car and drove away.

Phil plopped onto the sofa exhausted and pulled his phone out. He turned it on, he couldn’t remember the last time his phone had been all the way off. This is how it would be now, disconnected. He didn’t know how many days he’d be spending just hanging out with Dan but he’d already resigned himself to this new life for the foreseeable future. Everyday he’d be with Dan and every night, he’d come back here and try to keep his life running. If he filmed something tonight, he could edit tomorrow night. Get it out of the way so he could forget about it for a few days. He opened Twitter, hoping for inspiration but that’s not what he found. His feed brimmed with speculation about why the royals had stopped letting people in to try and wake Dan. Most believed the protests had been successful, but there were other theories too. Maybe they had found her, the woman Dan would marry, maybe he’d gotten better, maybe he’d gotten worse, and in one small corner of Twitter, maybe #Phaniel was the reason. The video of Phil defending his right to see Dan was everywhere. #Phaniel was still trending. Reluctantly, Phil clicked on one of many video links.

You could clearly hear him use the word homophobia, just before he threatened to sick his fans on the castle. Shit. You could also hear Dennis call Phil by name and say you know I can’t let you in. It was pretty obvious Phil wasn’t a stranger to Dan. And now, thousands of tweets asking Phil what had happened had been ignored all day. It was only one day but that was enough to produce Phaniel videos cutting together footage of Dan and Phil against music about star-crossed lovers, destiny, and dreaming. Photoshopped images of the two of them sent Phil’s heart reeling. They were too close to home, too true. He wished his fans were just a little less savvy. He felt nauseous. The only thing he hated more than being tangled up in politics was having his personal life exposed. Panic began to set in and Phil had to make a conscious effort to steady his breath. His heart beat loud in his ears. Could he ignore this? Deny it? He could say he was on the Isle of Man, he usually turned his phone off when he went there. That wouldn’t satisfy his fans though and he knew that. They wanted an explanation for the video, they weren’t going to fall for a lie. His phone felt like a grenade in his hand and he had no idea how to put the pin back. It vibrated and he jumped, his nerves completely shot after two days of emotional exhaustion.

Louise: How are you holding up?

Louise, thank god.

Phil: Not great. What are you doing right now?

Louise: Headed home to put Darcy to bed but Liam can do that. You want some company?

Phil: God yes.

Louise: 20 minutes

Louise didn’t hand out hugs to just anyone. She hated being touched for the most part but Phil had always been the exception. She let herself into the apartment, of course she had a key, and walked toward Phil with open arms. He stood and let his best friend hold him tight.

“Seeing you three days in a row is quite a treat, Philip,” Louise cooed, “I just wish the circumstances were a bit lighter.”

The doorbell buzzed. “I ordered us pizza. I’ll get it.” Louise ran downstairs.

Phil went to the kitchen for all the necessary things and came back to Louise opening the box.

“That smells amazing. Louise, you truly are the best best friend.” He kissed her cheek and grabbed a slice, feeling his anxiety start to dissipate.

Knowing he didn’t have to explain what was going on was incredibly comforting. Louise had certainly kept up on the drama all day. She’d likely been asked her share of invasive questions about Phil and she had definitely deflected every one of them.

“Louise, I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me.”

“I know, love.” She watched Phil’s face soften but there was still so much there. “Phil, yesterday you said that you thought you might have loved Dan...”

“Yeah, Louise, that’s a pile of crap. I loved him. I wanted to marry him, I think Dan is the love of my life.” His voice cracked just a bit and he took a bite to swallow it down before it could turn into something more.

“Ok, well this all makes more sense now. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I don’t know. I signed an non-disclosure agreement. You already knew he'd asked me out so I just kept the details sparse I guess. Plus, you were my favorite drinking buddy then but we weren’t like we are now. We weren’t us.”

Louise frowned. “Phil, I’m so sorry. Who did you talk to? Like when you broke up. Why did you break up? Oh my god, I have so many questions.”

“I didn't talk to anyone. I couldn’t. It was awful, Lou. I’ve never felt pain like that. I just faked it, you know? And eventually I moved on.”

“Oh Philly. I hate that. I hate knowing you went through that on your own.” Louise had teared up a bit, always the empathetic one, she wiped away the one tear that escaped. “Do you feel ready to tell me about you and Dan?”

Phil was so tired, to the bone, but he’d never told anyone these stories and he needed this right now. He needed the catharsis and the understanding and the love. Louise was the only person he’d let see him like this, so open and vulnerable. Well, Louise and Dan. He told her the beginning and the end. The middle was beautiful and mundane and they didn't have time for that story right now. They laughed a lot and Phil opened a bottle of wine and they cried too. Louise volunteered to tweet in Phil’s place for a few days. Non-committal, cryptic tweets while he was at the castle with his phone confiscated. They both knew it wasn’t a solution but maybe it would hold off the mob for a few days so Phil could have some peace and figure out what to do.

Phil had kissed the most beautiful boy last night and that boy had kissed him back. All was right in the world. The day started with a sweet good morning text from Dan. That started Phil’s heart fluttering and it hadn’t stopped yet. He called his mum after that because that’s what Phil does when he’s feeling really great. He talked way too fast and laughed too easily. She asked how much coffee he’d had to drink. She asked what he wasn’t telling her and if there was a girl.

“I’m just having a good day, mum. And no, there isn’t a girl. Can’t a guy just be happy to talk to his mum?”

“Not this happy.” She had said.

He went outside because the sun was shining and it seemed appropriate for the romantic comedy montage he felt like he was living in. He had no shame about the extra spring in his step and the permanent smile plastered on his face. At the bakery, Phil giggled and blushed his way through ordering coffee and scones. Leo just grinned and said he was glad it went well. He sat outside, a rare thing for him. He wouldn’t even have minded if a follower came by. The table next to him was empty but someone had left the paper behind. Phil reached over to pick it up, warming at the memory of his first discovery of grown up Dan, looking out at him from the pages of a tabloid just like this one. He paged through, past stories of actors cheating with nannies and pop stars in rehab. This paper was seriously garbage. Just as he was about to toss it aside, the words Royal Love Story pg 9 caught Phil’s eye. Half of page 9 was taken up by a photo of Dan, clearly taken without his knowledge, in the garden at Windsor castle. Dan stood about a foot from Iris Spencer, his hand on her waist. He leaned in close to her ear. She wore a wide smile, amused by whatever Dan must be saying. God, Dan looked good. He wore slim slacks and slip on shoes with a little ankle showing. His button down shirt hugged his chest and accentuated his trim arms. Iris looked like she’d coordinated her outfit with his, she looked like garden party Barbie, totally at home in her natural environment.

Phil’s stomach lurched a bit. He knew he had no right to be jealous when he and Dan had only been on two dates. He was jealous though, mostly of the way Iris could just walk in and out of Dan’s life with so much ease, no NDAs, no bodyguards. He was, of course, also jealous of the way Dan’s hand was on her waist and the fact they were sharing something in that moment, something just for them. Rationally, he knew that the photo was out of context, that tabloids lie. That didn’t dull the sting of the words Is this the future queen? at the top of the page. It didn’t make him feel any better about the stark contrast between him and the rest of Dan’s life. Dan would be crazy to choose Phil over what he had in that photo. Maybe he’s just slumming, getting his gay side a little attention before going back to his rich girlfriend. The girl his family loved, the girl from the right kind of family. She has a penthouse and throws catered parties with stylish friends. Phil has pizza and Ribena by candlelight. Dan’s going to be king one day. He won’t be 18 year old Dan; beautiful, passionate, nerdy Dan for long. It’s bigger than them. One day, he would have a queen.

One kiss and Phil had imagined a future with Dan. But it was an amazing kiss, a beautiful kiss. And Dan had been vulnerable and sweet and open. You can’t fake that, right? A kiss like that has got to mean something. Phil wished he could call his mum back and tell her everything, get some advice, but he really couldn’t. He tried to imagine what she might say. She’d say that Dan was lucky to have met Phil and that the royal family don’t have anything on the Lesters. She’d say that if Phil was worried about that photo, he should just ask Dan about it. She’d say that Phil’s heart was very seldom wrong and he should follow it. And she’d be right, she always was, even when she was just a voice in Phil’s head.

So he followed his slightly bruised, mildly frightened, very excited heart. He picked up his phone and texted Dan.

Phil: Can I ask you something?

Phil was surprised when Dan responded right away, he figured he’d be busy working on some admirable project.

Dan: I’m an open book

Phil: How long were you with Iris Spencer?

Dan: With? I wasn't. Our parents conspired to get us together but we are just friends. I’m not interested in her

Dan: I am interested in you though

Phil felt some small measure of relief but he also had a masochistic desire to know more.

Phil: But you dated?

Dan: No, not really. My family invited her to things, functions. We do spend time together, we have all the same friends. Where is this coming from Phil?

Phil: So you never slept together?

Phil regretted it the minute he hit send. That was truly none of his business, he was being petty and jealous and immature.

Phil: Shit. Don’t answer that Dan. I’m sorry. I saw a photo in a tabloid and I spiraled

Dan: Ah. Ok. That explains a lot. We did hook up a couple times as drunk teenagers. It was exactly how those things are and it has no bearing on any thing that is happening now.

Phil: What is happening now?

Dan: Me and you are happening now

The ache in Phil chest shifted. The jealousy had turned to longing and Phil wished Dan was here so he could wrap his arms around him and chase away any remaining doubt.

Phil: Me and you

Dan: Dan and Phil

Phil: Phil and Dan

Phil: Phan

Dan: Phan! :-)

Phil: I ship it

Dan: You remember PJ?

Phil: Yes

Dan: He’s having a party tomorrow night. There will be less snogging and more video games than the last party I took you too. PJ is a big nerd. Come with me?

Phil: Yes

Dan: Yay! His house is on the beach. You are going to love it. It’s in Brighton. Is that ok?

Phil: Is it ok?

Phil: I’m not sure. Let’s review. You want me to accompany a gorgeous prince to a beach house in Brighton to play video games and eat gluten free artisan pickles?

Dan: I can’t guarantee the pickles.

Phil: Ug. What good are you if you can’t guarantee artisan pickles?

Dan: I’ll think of some way to make it up to you ;)

Phil: *fans self*

Dan: Pick you up at 5?

Phil: Ok. Come earlier if you want. I miss you.

Dan: I miss you too. See you tomorrow. Xoxo

Dan didn’t come to the door, instead he texted Phil to come down. When he climbed in, there was a basket in the center seat, a picnic basket. Dan leaned over and gave Phil a hello kiss. It was so casual, like they’d known each other for ages and this was just the way they greeted each other. Phil’s heart flipped in his chest. “What’s this?” He gestured to the basket.

Dan smiled that wide affectionate smile that Phil was starting to grow familiar with.

“Well, we’ve got at least two hours in this car and I thought it might be nice to have a picnic.”

He opened the basket and pulled out 2 checkered napkins, handing one to Phil. There were tiny sandwiches wrapped in parchment paper and tied with string. Dan pointed at each one and explained what was inside, scrunching his nose in disbelief when Phil said he didn’t like cheese. They ate and laughed about Phil’s picky taste in food and how pizza was the exception to every rule. Dan handed Phil a glass and pulled out a tiny bottle of champagne. There were strawberries and pears drizzled with dark chocolate for dessert.

“Is this legal? The champagne? In the car?” Phil asked.

“Strictly speaking? No. But I think we’re good.” Dan moved the basket over his lap so he was sitting next to Phil.

“Buckle your seat belt, Dan.” Phil gave Dan a quick peck on the cheek, eyes darting toward the front seat to see if Dennis was looking.

“Ok, mum.” Dan put a strawberry to Phil’s lips. “Don’t worry, Dennis won’t peek. He promised.”

Phil bit into the berry, letting the flavors spread over his tongue, imagining how it would taste to kiss Dan after this. “You are so romantic. I’ve never had anyone do something like this for me. How are you only 18?”

“I had to do something to thank you for the other night. Plus, I might have a chef at home who helped me put this together.” Dan popped the rest of the strawberry into his mouth.

They drank champagne and fed each other fruit, sharing sweet chaste kisses between bites. It was absurdly cliche and absolutely perfect. Phil thought, this is it, this is what it’s like to date a prince.