#it does not mean I’m not also here for post-Truthful Big Platonic Friend Group that is still REALLY IMPORTANT

[citrus-cactus]

So yeah, Shuuji/Ryo! I guess I should go searching for fanfic when I’m on my laptop, because AO3’s relationship tag filtering in Digimon Survive (on mobile, anyway) seem genuinely… unusable? 🤔

[prettygraceful]

magnus & the main characters interaction count: a study

an interaction counts as magnus talking specifically to 1 main and that main character responding, or vice versa. (you know like alec does with jace/ clary/ izzy in 95% of the episodes throughout the whole series and luke/ simon in half of s1 and s3.) an interaction is NOT where magnus addresses the group in general with no one responding to him directly, or him being in the same room with all of them, but they only talk to alec or to each other.

this count starts from 2b. s1/ 2a did NOT have anywhere close to an adequate amount, but at least there wasn’t so little that it was total joke like after that. the sad truth of this is so glaringly obvious when it’s listed.

plz take note this post is about magnus/ MAIN character interaction ONLY

and obviously this count is about the 6 mains other than alec

SEASON 2B

2x11: NONE

altho clary/ jace are in the room, they only talk to alec

2x12: NONE

2x13: NONE

2x14: 1 scene with luke

2x15: NONE

altho jace/ izzy are in the room, they don’t talk to him

2x16: NONE

he was not in the episode. he also was not in some episodes in s1. luke and maia have also not been in some.

clary, jace, alec, izzy, and simon have been in every episode. just saying.

2x17: 2 scenes with luke

2x18: 1 scene with luke

2x19: NONE

altho the shadowhunters/ luke are in the room, they don’t talk to him

side note: making literally everyone be against magnus/ glaring at him/ shading him behind his back after all he’s literally done for every single one of them was… a choice. they all didn’t seem to care that he was hurting.

2x20: 1 scene with izzy

final count:

6 episodes (over half the season) with NONE

2 episodes of only 1 scene interaction

only 1 episode where he interacts throughout, yet still only with 1 other main

only 3 scenes where he gets to talk to another main without alec there

no scene where he talks to another main and alec isn’t mentioned

SEASON 3A

3x01: NONE

3X02: NONE

altho shadowhunters/ luke are in the room, they only talk to alec

3X03: 1 scene with izzy

3x04: NONE

altho clary is in room, she only talks to alec

3x05: NONE

3x06: multiple scenes with clary

3x07: NONE

altho clary/ izzy/ simon are in the room, they only talk to alec

3x08: multiple scenes with izzy

no, owl!jace saying alec would chose jace over him doesn’t count

altho luke/ simon are in the room, they only talk to alec

3x09: 1 scene with izzy

3x10: 1 scene with jace

altho should a scene of him telling the parabatai he gave up his magic for them and them not saying anything count?

final count:

5 episodes (half the season) with NONE

3 episodes of only 1 scene interaction

only 2 episodes where he interacts throughout, yet only with 1 other main

only 1 episode where he gets to talk to another main without alec there

no episodes where he talks to another main and alec isn’t mentioned

SEASON 3B

3x11: 1 scene with izzy

altho jace is in the room, he only to talks alec

3x12: NONE

altho jace/ luke are in the room, they only talk to alec

3x13: 1 scene with izzy

and 1 single line to clary, i guess

3x14: NONE

3x15: NONE

aside from 1 single line to simon, i guess

no, clary/ jace/ izzy unkindly questioning him being there doesn’t count

side note: making magnus be surrounded by a room full of racist-coded shadowhunters in s3 was… a choice. what was the point of that? it showed that apparently only laws have changed but not societal sentiment- outside of the main foursome- since s1 in their mindset towards downworlders. and then they had malec get married amongst these racists a few weeks later?? to show him being treated so disrespectfully (again in s3, so nobody’s mindset progressed outside of the 4) and be made so uncomfortable and then never have them show him any love or treat him as an equal later on (as an individual and not just as half of malec) was… a choice. a bad choice.

3x16: NONE

3x17: NONE

3x18: NONE

altho clary/ jace are in the room, they only talk to alec (and then when he’s sad over something that their 3a choices caused, they leave. in the same episode the writers have maryse say “we’re all here for you”…what a joke.)

3x19: NONE

3x20: NONE

altho izzy/ clary/ jace are in the room, they only talk to alec

3x21: NONE

aside from 1 single line to simon, i guess

no, saying only biscuit doesn’t count

3x22: NONE

altho it’s his wedding day, they don’t let jace/ izzy welcome him into the family but instead irrelevant max.

and altho it’s literally the finale, the ONLY person he gets to talk to is his rival. (side note, but lorenzo and underhill should NOT have been at the wedding after their awful treatment towards him. such two-faced people.)

final count:

10 episodes (the length of a normal half season) with NONE

2 episodes of only 1 scene interaction

0 episodes where he interacts throughout

1 scene where he get to talk to another main without alec there

in his 1 scene in 3x13, he talks to another main and alec isn’t mentioned

i think the point i’m making is obvious: the 3 white showrunners and mostly white writers almost never ever let magnus even talk to any of the other main characters. (he also goes three seasons without a single story arc with another main that lasts more than 1 episode. (no, the writers using luke as a mouthpiece to justify alec’s mistake in 2b does not count.) you know, like how alec had big long arcs with both clary and jace in s1, 2a, and 3a and izzy here and there. even maia, the most neglected character on this show, still got to regularly interact with simon and luke- 2 mains. even luke with his limited screentime, still got to regularly at least talk to literally all of the mains in all his group scenes.

and what about the 3 downworlder mains and alec?

well, altho alec and maia only had 2 scenes together, that’s still twice what magnus/ maia got, seeing as they only had the 1 scene together in 2a.

alec and luke had at least 3 scenes together in s1 that i can remember vs magnus/ luke only having 2 lines in 1x06. both duos had about equal in 2b.

in 3a alec/luke had 5 scenes together. magnus/ luke had none where they actually spoke to each other. in group scenes magnus only talked to alec.

in 3b alec/ luke had 3 scenes. magnus/ luke had none. plus luke told alec that he couldn’t go to his wedding, instead of telling magnus.

in s1 magnus/ simon had maybe 1 line. alec/ simon were interacting constantly throughout, i don’t remember how many scenes it was.

in 2a magnus/ simon had 2 episodes together. in 2b they had 1 scene but i don’t really count it since it was only to have it be literally everyone vs magnus. alec/ simon had 1 scene in 2b and none in 2a.

in 3a alec/ simon had 3 scenes interacting together. magnus/ simon had none where they actually spoke to each other.

in 3b all the fans complaining really paid off! 2 scenes in 3x15. 1 scene each in 3x17, 3x19, 3x20, and 3x21 for a grand total of 6 scenes. plus no talking- yet still in a scene together- in 1 other scene in 3x15, 3x17, 3x18, and 2 others in 3x19, for a grand total of 5, not counting the edom finale scenes. magnus/ simon only said 2 lines to each other in 3b.

not to mention alec stood next to simon in a nice two-shot in 4 separate scenes. it really reminded me of what they do with clary/ alec in group scenes. the writers don’t always give them a lot of dialogue together, but they’re sure to get that dynamic in at least visually. alec always has at least crumbs vs magnus getting nothing. where is that energy from the writers, directors, or fans with magnus and literally any main? really, where is it?

i mean, there was no reason for alec/ simon not to have scenes, but i’m so truly disappointed that this is where the fan effort was spent instead of lobbying for magnus to get to interact with even one main character other than alec, seeing as alec always already get to constantly have many, many, many duo and group scenes and big arcs with the 3 other shadowhunters. and now he gets to be more bonded with all of the main downworlders too instead of magnus with his own people. the writers are so so so wack.

also obviously magnus interacts with alec on a regular basis. the point is that’s it. malec is the main reason why i watch the show, so it matters a great deal, but when every other main is getting vastly more interactions, it’s a problem. also in nearly all of the episodes when alec has scenes with other mains- and magnus is not there- magnus is not mentioned. not so when it’s vice versa.

why not count any supporting characters you may be saying? because that’s not what i hear everyone demanding for alec or the others, is it? because he didn’t interact with raphael, his supposed son, in s1, or at all after 3x01 to the actual finale. because aside from her bringing madzie over in 3x11, catatrina and and him didn’t speak in 3b. she wasn’t even introduced until 3a (so 2 seasons w/o any friends.) they only spoke in 4 scenes total in all of s3. she was his best man, yet that’s not important enough to show on screen. ragnor was literally only 1 episode. who’s left- his jealous, bitter pathetic rival or his father who has obvious gross, creepy incestuous, jealous feelings for him. or alec’s mother, who only had scenes with him for the same reason maia/ jordan had all those scenes- to give them something to do away from the group/ main plotlines. why couldn’t magnus and maia had scenes together also or instead? and being bffs with his bf’s mom but not getting to even TALK to his parabatai, the person alec’s closest to platonically, let alone be friends, is truly beyond words. and also harry and matt are only 5 years apart (kat/ dom have more of an age difference) so i’m tired of the writers/ fans keeping alec in the playpen with his younger co-stars while magnus is separated to only older ones.

and also i just really don’t care about supporting characters. i see them as just taking screentime away from the mains, specifically the downworlder mains, who are already running on limited time. look at 3x13 when they want to do a whole heidi arc, who gets cut- magnus. or in 3x17 when they want to introduce helen and aline, i resented them right off the bat for getting twice as much screentime than magnus, a main character, in that important episode for him. throughout the whole show, whenever supporting characters are getting screentime, it always means magnus, maia, and luke are not. that’s not good.

some final thoughts, nearly every single malec fan spent the entire 9 month hiatus from 3a to 3b relentlessly saying alec needs interactions. as if he didn’t get huge bonding arcs with clary and jace in s1 and 2a and 3a. as if he doesn’t talk to and go places and do things with clary, jace, and izzy nearly every single episode, every single season since the beginning. mighty handy to not count the 3 of them when you want to cry “alec has no friends” every single day, as if he hasn’t had an enemy to friendship arc with clary 3 times in 3 seasons. as if he hasn’t had a dying, can’t live without you arc with jace 3 times in 3 seasons. as if he doesn’t hug jace twice more than magnus per half season. as if he doesn’t have izzy there to lean on and talk to. funny how siblings don’t count as friends when it’s mighty convenient that’s they’re the only mains to have siblings. i would kill, KILL, for magnus to be even talk to jace and izzy let alone be real friends, yet fans are taking their friendships with alec for granted, while simultaneously saying they’re robbed of the parabatai dynamic. that’s rich.

if alec having scenes every other ep, and melodramatic arcs every other half season, wasn’t such a guarantee the fans have learned they could count on, nobody would say that his siblings and clary don’t count. but everyone knew they could say that because we know it wouldn’t be taken away. i mean, look at the stark siblings in game of thrones. they never interacted, and the entire fandom cried about that being the most important friendships to show, but it wasn’t shown. this fandom needs to put things in perspective and stop taking the lightwoods sibs and the shadowhunters squad dyamic for granted and realize that magnus and maia don’t get even a minuscule fraction of that. also want to add that simon got plenty of constant sturdy dynamics too, with clary, jace, luke, maia, and izzy. and fans got their alec/ simon content and yet still so ungrateful. i beg the malecs to compare what magnus gets before complaining.

[weebeestie]

PRE- FINAL 2 EPISODES THOUGHTS & ENDGAME SPEC! :)

Okay, I know nerves are running high and especially so among the crowd considering stuff like PR around Misha/Cas and “script adjustments” but having spent the past 24 hours re-watching the post-hiatus eps I am feeling pretty secure and positive going into the endgame! This is just my personal speculation based on my reading of the episodes themselves, just for fun and for me to check back with later as we near the end! So, here is what I’m expecting/hoping for by the finale (under the cut since this is kinda long):

General Spec

All of them live in the end (not counting stuff like death/resurrection or if in the last episode we get like a many-years-later-in-heaven kinda thing)

Cas comes back, probably human or close to human

Dean and Sam separate in the end--not estranged, just resolving into healthy independence while still loving each other and being in each other’s lives; no longer trapped in eternal tragic codependency

Endgame Sam and Eileen (a big part of the former point)

Endgame Dean and Cas -- *see below for notes

Even if Jack’s still a cosmic entity he will 1) survive, and 2) be allowed to live life as a kid and not be constantly chained to cosmic duty

Monsters and magic and stuff will remain; the afterlife/cosmic order will just be rebalanced like Amara’s wanted all along. I care less about the mytharc stuff than the characters so I haven’t thought much about this beyond the point that I think the guys will still hunt, just without the constant Apocalypse threats (Dean likes hunting, Sam likes magic, both of them love helping people, there are good ‘monsters’ like Garth or even Jack--they just need more than that and they need to have peace and happiness of their own, without constant impending cosmic doom)

The ending will be happy and I will c r y !!

The show will at long last spring for Zepp for the final scene bonus points if it’s on the mixtape!

The Biggie: Cas Was Right All Along and What That Means for Dean

The biggest thing that strikes me on this re-watch is Dean’s ongoing anger issues and struggle with truth. The root of Dean’s anger is that he feels trapped and oppressed by his life--highlighted by his conversations with Sam, Cas, Jack, and even Amara. As Dean repeatedly states, he believes that this oppression has been created by Chuck controlling them, pulling the strings. He fails to accept that they do have free will, and that the basis of free will is love. Chuck may be omniscient and control time and space, but he doesn’t control the feelings they have for each other (same as he didn’t orchestrate Amara’s thing with Dean). He is able to manipulate them to the extent that he can introduce obstacles through his powers and (as writer/creator) his deep understanding of their flaws. He is adept at playing on the weaknesses created by the trauma in their lives to push them toward outcomes he desires. However, Team Free Will’s proven ability to repeatedly thwart his narrative is based on the love that they have for each other, which is the true driver of their actions. It’s no accident that right before Cas tells Dean that he’s the embodiment of love, Billie tells him that he’s the embodiment of chaos. Love is what breaks the divine order of the system. LIKE CAS SAYS IN 15x02, Chuck may have built the maze, but they are the ones running it. They are real. So why does Dean feel so oppressed? Because he cannot, like Amara says in Gimme Shelter, accept his life. He can’t accept his truth. His self-hatred is the opposite of the love with which he breaks the bonds of the system to save others; and until he sheds this he can never be free, Chuck or no Chuck. Chuck isn’t the one oppressing Dean; Dean is. Because he has not given himself permission to fully shed the rest of John Winchester’s ghost, fully shed the scars of his time as a torturer in Hell (brought up by Belphagor just this season), fully shed the idea that he can never have the kinds of relationships with his loved ones that he truly desires, Dean is still trapped. He should take what Sam and Cas have each told him about himself in the previous two episodes to heart if he is to release himself.

*Dean and Cas

I am fully endgame positive, but not 100% sure where we’ll land in terms of like the...definition?...of their relationship? At the bare minimum I expect it to be made explicit, as in not just left implied or in the subtext, that what Dean feels for Cas is not just love as a brother or love as a best friend, but something more than that, even if the show ends at a place where Dean is like, still coming to terms with everything and they’re gonna take it slow. I do expect them to be together in the end though and do not think they’ll go with love-declaration-to-permanent-separation or anything like that as the final chapter of their relationship. I expect we’ll have a better idea what their endgame will look like post-15x19.

PR and Covid Stuff

The PR about Cas being permadead is just that...PR. If anything, it strengthens my feeling that when we get Cas back, it’ll be as a human (which has always been my ideal ending for him--which I think is the ideal ending for him!), so that has me kinda pumped!

Re: covid--the kind of script adjustments that they would have made to accommodate shooting restrictions would imo have no impact on what they intended for Cas. This kind of thing would be more relevant to stuff like bringing back a bunch of old guest stars for a final appearance--think things like a memory or vision of all the people they saved (or their souls), or if they wanted to resurrect a bunch of familiar angels and demons from the empty to fight Chuck or whatever. Like a big montage group scene kinda thing. There are limits on the number of people you can cram into a set at once under the new restrictions. It would absolutely not effect anything essential like the conclusion of the storyline of a beloved main character (and also they are not giving Cas a tragic ending that is also bury your gays, c’mon friends! they just aren’t). If you are someone who is worried bc you pay attention to PR/what actors say/etc, I would suggest you consider reports that Misha told people he had five days of shooting left post- wrapping 15x18. That is a substantial amount of shooting that suggests real story content, not some single random shot of Cas smiling beatifically at Dean when he reaches heaven or something that could non-meaningfully be cut without changing the main story. As far as I know, kissing is still allowed given proper safety and testing procedures are followed. I would love to see a deancas kiss (tho imo it’s only ‘necessary’ insofar as shutting up the idiots who are still claiming the confession was platonic) and I think a saileen reunion without one would feel weird--but these are not endgame requirements for me for either ship and I mention it only because I’ve seen people speculating about whether it’s allowed or whatever.

[angioponder]

ultimately walking

Fandom: VIXX OT6 (Platonic/Friendship) Genre/Warnings: humor, crack, fluff  Word count: 1556w

author’s note:  also on AO3 (@angioponder) hb to my cuppycake.<3 hope this brought a smile to your lovely face. being your best friend and roommate over the years made me so happy. thanks for letting me love you with gifts like this. i miss you lots!

list of the songs referenced are at the end. enjoy~

Hakyeon awoke due to someone beating harshly on the door of his brand new apartment. He feigned sleep in hopes that whoever was outside would leave, thinking the flat to be empty. But after a pause of silence, the banging only came back louder and harder. 

A barely open, one-eyed peek at the phone he dragged out from under his pillow told him it was ten in the morning—quite a bit later than he usually got up due to all the unpacking he had to do the night before.

Wondering who it could be, he begrudgingly left the comfort of his warm bed, lugging the sheets over and around his body as he tried very hard to send messages from his brain to his foot to move in front of the other, and vice versa. At some point, it didn't really matter how he got to the door, as long as he could keep himself upright and moving forward to open the damn thing and send whoever interrupted his sleep far, far away.

When Hakyeon reached his destination, he leaned—more like ungracefully banged his forehead due to sleep deprivation—against the door to peer through the peephole. As soon as his eyes adjusted to see past the lens properly, he threw his sheets off to the side and practically ripped open the door to reveal his bandmates standing out in the hallway. Now fully awake, he was about to hug them all happily for following through with visiting him in his new home, but that died when he saw how visibly apprehensive they were.

“What? What what is it? What?” Hakyeon did a sweep across all of them really quickly.

Taekwoon was sporting coffee stains on his white sweater, Jaehwan was holding Special K under one arm and a bowl of milk in the other, Hongbin was wearing that god-awful green scarf that made him look like your gossipy neighborhood auntie, Wonshik was sleep-standing until he woke himself up with a snore, and Sanghyuk was, well, he was big. So, really nothing out of the ordinary.

Hakyeon relaxed a smidgen, crossing off the possibility of them being physically harmed in some fashion. Something was still off, but he couldn’t figure it out at the moment. He pointedly looked at Taekwoon, who was chewing on his pale fingers.

“I take it you you're not here to visit your most favorite hyung just because you realized your undying love for him and miss him very, very much ever since he moved out.”

“Well…y-yeah?”

“Oh, honestly!” Hakyeon mocked a shocked gasp, “Humor me a little bit more than that. I'm hurt.”

“Yes! I mean yes! Definitely all that—yes, yes but also,” Taekwoon glanced to his side at the other four who have a mixed array of emotions on their faces, all their lips held tight in a line. “I don’t really know what happened but,” he seemed like he was trying to come up with an explanation but settled with, “something’s wrong with them.”

“O-kay?” Hakyeon tilted his head. “Something’s always wrong with them, but I have a really bad feeling that’s not it.”

Taekwoon clapped his palm over Jaehwan's general face without missing a beat. Unsurprisingly, Wonshik did the same to Hongbin and Sanghyuk, reducing whatever retort all of them were making into muffles. When it looked like their protests directed to Hakyeon were over, Taekwoon and Wonshik retracted their hands.

“It’s not the usual thing this time just—” Taekwoon shoved them all forward towards the doorway, “we might want to be indoors for this.”

Everyone shuffled inside towards the bare living room, past the stacks of empty boxes that have been tetris-arranged inside of each other. It was a good thing too, Hakyeon thought as he watched them try to fit themselves on his couch in vain, limbs spilling over the armrests and all over the carpet on the livingroom floor of his one bedroom apartment.

“So, what’s this about?”

Nobody replied. Taekwoon nudged Hongbin with his elbow and pointed his chin towards Hakyeon. Hongbin sighed deeply then opened his mouth.

“I'm singin' in the rain,” he sang with heavy dread, “Just singin' in the rain. What a glorious feeling,” he drawled in disdain, “I'm happy again.” The whole room watched Hongbin continue his song as he dragged his body listlessly around, with a few half-hearted heel clicks here and there. By the end of his… performance of sorts, Hongbin was clenching his whole body in what one could only describe as mortifying agony. Jaehwan and Sanghyuk was, laughing at him, as is expected.

“That was… a great rendition,” Hakyeon clapped slowly, hesitantly. “So… what I got from that was Hongbin’s been practicing for a musical he got casted in, and he wants my feedback? Well, I’d say you need to fix your face a little. You look incredibly sour for someone who’s supposed to be happy after a great date with your lover.”

“No, no, you don’t get it,” Taekwoon tried, “he’s—”

“—running for his life, from Shia LaBeouf!” Wonshik launched himself off the couch and burst into song. “He’s brandishing a knife, it's Shia LaBeouf! Lurking in the shadows,” he bellowed, “Hollywood superstar Shia LaBeouf!”

“ …What? Is going on?” Hakyeon shivered as Wonshik, wide eyed and distressed, climbed on top of the coffee table and proceeded to bust out some very dramatic, interpretive dance moves. “What’s happeni—Wonshik are you biting my thigh!?”

“That’s what I’m trying to figure out! Ever since you left, it comes out like this whenever they try and speak as if—”

“If you were gay,” Jaehwan chimed in harmoniously, “that'd be okay. I mean 'cause, hey!” he pranced on over to Taekwoon, “I'd like you a-ny-way. Because you see,” he locked arms with him, “If it were me! I would feel free to say that I was gay, but I'm not gay!”

Taekwoon pried himself out of Jaehwan’s tight grasp and tried to cling on to Hakyeon while confetti and glitter magically rained down on them—wait what?

“They won’t respond in anything but singing and dancing,” Taekwoon said, “I even looked up their symptoms on the interne—”

“The internet is for porn!” Sanghyuk sang enthusiastically. “The internet is for porn! Why do you think the net was born? Porn! Porn! Porn!”

“You're joking, right?” Hakyeon said as Sanghyuk continued screaming porn repeatedly while holding his hands in a recitation handclasp and bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet to the melody in his head. “Taekwoon, come on. This can't be serious.”

Then out of nowhere, Jaehwan, Wonshik and Hongbin—almost escalatory and frantically so—resumed singing and dancing their own respective songs on top of each other in a jumbled mess, all at the same time.

Hakyeon was starting to feel slightly delirious.

“I seriously think they're cursed or something, Hakyeon.” Taekwoon said as chaos ensued right before their eyes. “Wonshik wouldn’t be doing all of this out of his own volition, especially not Hongbin,” he commented as they watched all the self-loathing radiate from Hongbin’s body. “Though I'm not sure I can say the same for Jaehwan and Sanghyuk.”

While that seemed to be true, Hakyeon couldn't ignore the red tiredness under their swollen eyes. Maybe something actually happened, then.

“So, what now?”

“Come home,” Taekwoon said, trying not to make too much eye contact, “with us?”

With us. Hakyeon paused. Come home.

His eyes drifted next to Taekwoon, where a group photo from the night of their debut five years ago was hanging—the only decorative item on display in the whole apartment aside from his favorite family portrait.

“You think it might ‘break the curse’ they're under?”

Taekwoon looked at him with those eyes and shrugged. “Worth a try.”

Truth is, watching them take up what was once a large amount of space in his one bedroom flat made him feel almost suffocated, that is, if it he didn't adore them all so, so much. But it was a familiar, loving type of suffocating, where it was difficult to not feel loved when it surrounded him from corner to corner. Moving out was such a bittersweet thing. Hakyeon may not necessarily enjoy every single moment of living together, but he does miss them—all the time.

Real curse or not, he’d do anything for them at the end of the day. Unfortunately for him, he wouldn’t be able to leave them die in a ditch, even if he tried. And they’d do the same for him, probably.

“Fine,” Hakyeon groaned. “I'll pack enough for the weekend and go.” He stomped into his unmade bedroom, pretending to be irritated. “I must be cursed to be bonded with you all forever.”

On Sunday night, the main door of their dorm finally shut after saying goodbye for roughly an hour, leaving the living room a little colder and quieter than it was. Jaehwan, Wonshik, Hongbin and Sanghyuk turned to Taekwoon.

“Should we play pretend again so hyung will come back and stay over next weekend?”

“Or, or maybe play it up a little more so we can extend it to weekdays too?”

“No, no we might make it too obvious!”

“Hyung can be dense as a humidifier, what are you talking about?”

“Yeah, I miss him too.” Taekwoon shook his head and laughed to himself. “Now go research more musicals for next week.”

author’s note:

a wee bit late but we realized it was april fool's yesterday right before posting this ahahahaha so fitting!

Singing in the Rain by Gene Kelly Shia LaBeouf by Rob Cantor If You Were Gay by Avenue Q The Internet is for Porn by Avenue Q

[cacoethesfaciendi]

responding to lo’s 25* book-inspired asks, part 1

aka the series of posts where tai overthinks and overanalyzes and then rambles for the possible entertainment of at most five people

*25 in the interest of drama but also because @ahmortentia was genuinely intrigued by the questions and/or had read the book

stargirl, by jerry spinelli

do you value uniqueness?

yes, and i feel like i should explain why. see, as humans, we all share certain characteristics. a certain elemental composition, a specific bone structure, a variety of organs, opposable thumbs, a conspicious lack of a tail, the distinct ability to experience a wide range of emotions - the list goes on and on. but at the same time, each human is also a unique combination of factors in a sort of proportion specific to each individual. there are currently a lot of humans. like... a lot of them. there have also been a lot of humans ever since the first human walked out of the ocean after saying goodbye to the fish (because that’s how that went, obviously). and yet, somehow, nobody is or ever was exactly like anyone else (this is a statement that holds true unless it is applied to clones, skrulls, androids, or odysseus). so although it’s also important to remember that we have similarities, i feel that recognizing that we are all unique is what makes us who we are because it’s the differences between us that sort of define us. tl;dr: uniqueness gives each of us an identity, and that’s why i value it.

pride and prejudice, by jane austen

are you romantic?

this is a question that’s interesting for me to talk about because i first have to define what romantic means to me. i could, for example, interpret this as asking whether i have an idealized perception of reality, which- i do not. i could also think briefly on whether i characterize myself as part of a late 18th century artistic movement. my conclusion is no. however, all of this consideration of other interpretations of this question is in truth me trying to ignore that this is very obviously a question about me being romantic in a relationship way, evidenced by the fact that it’s a pride and prejudice themed question. if i were to answer without thinking, i suppose i would say no, because why would someone who has no interest in romance be romantic? however, a pacifist may also be rather skilled at fighting so it’s apparently not quite that simple. so let’s see... being romantic as i understand it is about the expression of love, right? having established that, and giving it a bit more thought, i have thus far concluded that i am at the very least maybe a valentine’s day type of romantic in that i would totally go all out with the love languages to show my appreciation for those that i care about and celebrate my strong relationships with and emotions toward people? also i do artistic things for people after being inspired by them... does that make me romantic? i’m not sure. i think the takeaway here is: romance? i don’t know her

the lightning thief, by rick riordan

what would you be the god/goddess of?

this is not an easy question to answer - not that any of these are. but for this in particular, there are just so many things. i could be the goddess of everything from a specific personality trait to emus. i could name myself the patron of the specific group of people who procrastinate too much or the protector of the poor souls who get lost in costco. i could be the deity that deals with that inarticulate emotion of aaaaaaasocutesquishplease that wells up in your chest until you sort of want to emit a high pitched noise but also makes you want to go and hug and protect whatever it is you’ve seen with your life. i could also just be the goddess of long convoluted rambles because... yikes. really though, i’m not quite sure. i guess in terms of things that are really important to me, i would want to sort of be responsible for platonic love because philotes is a goddess that exists and she’s all friendship and affection and good things and all but also she is possibly the spirit of the act of copulation so.. yeah

lord of the flies, by william golding

what motivates you best?

i think it’s the prospect of having or being able to have a positive impact on people’s lives that motivates me most, and while i hope to one day feel that making myself happy is a priority, for the time being i will continue to do everything i can so that i can keep making those that i love smile. i recognize that it’s not perhaps the best thing to sort of always place myself in service to people, to value myself in terms of how much i can do for others, but i think that’s what i was taught, and as long as i have people like my friends in my life to keep that pure, i’ll be okay. because at least with my friends, doing things that benefit me is a way to make them happy as well - others in my life say that they’d be happy if i sacrificed my health and personality so... yikes

flowers for algernon, by daniel keyes

how much potential do you think you have?

i don’t know. i suppose that i’ve been told i have a lot, but some would also say that it’s unfortunate that i was the person to receive so much potential, which really makes me feel as though i don’t have any considering that i’m being told that i’m incapable of using it. others who say i have a lot of potential have a lot of belief in me, which i’m so very grateful for. and yet that thought terrifies me. i feel like i’m letting people down a lot in that respect, because i want to prove them right and achieve all the big things that they say i’m capable of, but i’m also scared that i’m actually a screw up and things. and then sometimes i find myself wasting the opportunities i’m given? which is just a source of a lot of regret. in truth, i think everybody has a lot of potential, because everybody is technically capable of so much. and looking at myself and considering my base traits, my circumstances, my resources, and my support system, i want so badly to say that that’s true for me too. i want to confidently say that i have a lot of potential, because it seems to make sense that i would. but do i truly believe that? unfortunately, i don’t think i do. so i guess i just don’t know

so that’s the first set of five questions - only four more to go lmao

hoping everyone’s having a good day! (and lo, i’m hoping that the frozen food has been helping with everything) (also without caps, your name looks like the name of a moon/the name of a certain love interest of zeus that got turned into a cow)

yeet!

[indelible-stars]

So I finished reading ‘I Was Born For This’ by Alice Oseman and it was superb. Brilliant. A masterpiece. From the moment I heard about this book and what it was about I was intrigued. I’m so, so glad I won one of the giveaways and got the chance to read it early. It certainly lived up to the hype. The characters were loveable and real as Alice’s characters always are and I loved them all dearly. I wrote down my thoughts while reading so below is my stream of consciousness on what happens throughout the book.

MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD BEWARE

MONDAY

ANGEL

• This is such a realistic meeting of two internet friends • Omg how could you do this Juliet? I'd die if this happened to me. I'd just combust on the spot or sink into the ground and stay there forever.

JIMMY

• I love,,, them? Yes boys • I want all their outfits • “If we can talk about anxiety we can talk about poo. They’re basically the same thing.” Sure sure true that true that • I love how Cecily says babe all the time. She's an icon • Our girls like our boys I love it • I already love the boys friendship so much and it's only Jimmy's first chapter

ANGEL

• Mac is such a basic bitch. There's so many guys like him that think they're original bc they like really popular slightly old bands. You're not that edgy stop.

JIMMY

• Bliss is Rowan's girlfriend???? I didn't expect that to be her role. I thought she was gonna be a fan.

ANGEL

• Mac can you go??? Or at least shut up • I like how realistic Juliet is. Like I'm annoyed on Angel's behalf but I get how she is. • I thought the ship was going to be Rowan and Lister!!! Ah but Jowan makes sense and I'm interested in how this will play into stuff • Convincing evidence...yeah they're totally together Angel...you keep telling yourself that sweetheart

JIMMY

• We're like brothers • I would actually love this band. The angel wings and aesthetic? Yes bitch fuck me up • Oh I'm glad Jimmy likes something about being in his band • I was born for this... title reference complete

TUESDAY

ANGEL

• Ah what cute platonic cuddling. Eh guys? That's what you're freaking about isn't it? Their beautiful friendship? Also it's really creepy that someone got pictures of them sleeping in their apartment. Like what? It's gross that celebrities have to go through that • I don't think you should base your point of living on a fandom relationship Angel....that might be unhealthy....Do you perchance think there's something else going on here?

JIMMY

• Note to self: never read the start of this chapter when on a plane • How Jimmy logically knows that he's not as likely to die on a plane than so many other things but is still panicked is super relatable. Like logic and anxiety do not coincide. Anxiety knows no reason • Ah what's on the iPad has been revealed! A photo taken out of context and ridiculous article • Two whole months? Damn Rowan's a tough one. I'd be annoyed at Lister too but he shouldn't have to be really careful. It's shitty that one photo can be posted and Jimmy is forced to come out. • Aw no Lister :( aw no Jimmy :( how gross and invasive that someone else took it. Fuck man. I'd be terrified • Ro Ro. • No I just want my boys to love each other and be happy and safe :(

ANGEL

• Your dad might be getting at something Angel.... • Angel and her dad are cute. I like them • Everyone watching B99 all the time. Good choice in TV show. They know what they're doing • Yeah they just might not be thrilled at the situation girls.... • That sounds like a bloody long fanfic and how could it be a fave when the prospect of solo careers is involved?!?

JIMMY

• Shit I would not want any of those worst days. They really do sound awful • A secret for 2 years? That's pretty good going. Cecily well done • “Do you think if we hired a full-time bodyguard they’d do the hoovering for us?” bitch meee. Lister has his priorities in order. • Ah yes Alex you treat Jimmy as a person. The way he deserves • That new contract doesn't sound fun...not something that Jimmy will like... • Oh god Lister you mess • Ah this interview. Make it stop. I'm clenching up for them • Go away Dave! Give them a break • Breaking news: a fictional interviewer found dead by the hands of me

ANGEL

• I read Muliet as mullet and honestly? Same thing • “I think the truth is that everyone in the entire world is confused and nobody knows much of anything at all.” Angel speaking the goddamn truth. If I've never heard a more accurate statement. • Oh god Angel has balls I'd never be able to tell someone that I think someone they like's annoying • Oh is Juliet moving away from home...is that why she feels uncomfortable talking about parents? Did something blow up for her? • Ah Angel is a big name fan account. Why am I not surprised? • J2O my drink. My go to. My one true friend. • Omg is it Bliss? Why is Bliss there? • IT IS BLISS! • I love Bliss. It's been like 2 paragraphs but I love her! • "The world's a bit shit. Can't save it all at once." • “I learn that Bliss is bisexual. She says it with such extreme confidence that I'm suddenly jealous." Angel I relate. If it ain't me. • I wonder who your boyfriend’s best friend is Bliss.... • Well shit man... Angel sweetie how can you not believe love exists if Jowan isn't real? If only you knew you were saying this to Rowan's gf • Yeah it's ironic...it's not like it's actually Rowan or anything... • Omg Mac. Dude. • I can't believe they just left without her. Well, actually I can. • Alice is so good at writing nuanced sad moments. Like you ache for the characters and it's not even like they're balling their eyes out. Their feelings are just so real and shown in such simple ways.

JIMMY

• I love the transition with the flickering lights on both sides. Jimmy's grandad sounds ace and their apartment sounds lit! • ffs Lister. I couldn't live with him • Okay I need to state my love for Bliss again • Aw no my babes. Mummy and daddy are arguing. How dare fame ruin their relationship • Oh a cute X factor winner. Intriguing • Okay never mind he can get to fuck. Piss the hell away forever Magnet • Ooh Lister and Jimmy tension. Don't fight my boys. And I really wanna know what's up with Lister. • Honestly Jimmy is me if I ever became famous. Which is why I don't want to be. I could never handle it • I love Piero with all my heart • Ohmygod Jimmy my baby imma cry

WEDNESDAY

ANGEL

• Wow Tuesday was a long day. Never mind the rest of them. I'd be collapsing by now • Fuck. No. It wasn't her! No Bliss don't think it was Angel. Oh god poor Bliss. Who leaked it? I'll bloody get em. Is it someone in there life that has access to photos that's leaking them or something?

JIMMY

• Don't take this out on Lister! • Dave can actually die. I'll kill him yet again • Why must my boys hurt like this? Give them happiness goddammit!! • Screw getting big in America that contract sounds awful

ANGEL

• Yes Angel help the poor girl. I know it's a terrible circumstance but I'm happy they'll see each other again

JIMMY

• My boys no. In pain. No. Stop treating Lister as such a third wheel you don't notice him. Stop it all. Happiness only please

ANGEL

• "I will try to remain between you and the group of scary men at all times. Most of them are shorter than me. And I'm wearing heavy boots. If they get near us, I'll just kick. Like a giraffe." • Bliss and Angel? The ultimate friendship • Yasssssss @woman tripping the paps

JIMMY

• B99 mention number 3 • Ah yes some Jimmy and Lister quality bonding time. This is what I needed • "At once?" OMG I died haha. • “Druggie bisexual slut.” • The extremely famous girl band member is someone from Little Mix I bet • Does Lister like Jimmy? All these signs. I thought I was being tricked but does he? • A 32 year old woman? Fuck that's awful • Aw lister baby no :(

ANGEL

• “Is the word you're looking for "gay? It ain't poisonous.” • Did I mention I love bliss? Her every line is iconic • Mac’s been booted

JIMMY

• B99 again • Jimmy just stand outside in the rain don't go on a walk. Please be okay. Oh god • All the adorable old people in this book. They're so pure • This is so sad. My heart is aching

THURSDAY

JIMMY

• Jimmy and Angel are gonna meet! They're gonna meet!!!! I’m kinda scared about what will happen. • #LetListerWearTheBinbag2K18 • I want Jimmy's clothes. All of the things he just mentioned? I want • Yes Rowan fuck it up with that dress!! • I love the cape moment. My boy • How can you forget your birthday Jimmy? Ah • Oh I love the boys being happy and having fun and being...boys. Yes you dance to the Killers

ANGEL

• Love isn't a lie Angel!!!

JIMMY

• Why Lister whyyy • Lister does like Jimmy! Oh jesus. So much drama. I want Jimmy to like him back. I want there to be happiness. Don't kiss him while you're in the bathroom and drunk Lister! Oh god. Fuck

ANGEL

• Something bad has happened with Juliet and probably her parents. Why don't you see that Angel? • Piss off Mac. He has a point but I still wanna punch him • Jesus so much drama. Poor Juliet. Poor everyone. Why can't they have a second of a break?

JIMMY

• I'm nervous now. What's going to happen? Something big probably is going to happen when Angel and Jimmy meet or idk

ANGEL

• WTF WTF WTF WHAT HAPPENED TO ROWAN? WTF

JIMMY

• Someone threw a brick? What? Oh Jesus no! That girl can go to hell! Fuck. How did she even manage to get away with having a brick with her?? • Make this stop. Make this stop • Cecily! Save them! • They're meeting this is it. • Oh god • She's not going to hurt you Jimmy!

ANGEL

• Ah no • Don't be scared of each other • By god I think she's got it! Yes a panic attack Angel! A panic attack. Help him please • First Bliss and now Jimmy. Angel really is the saviour • Fuck man that was one hell of a meeting

JIMMY

• Your fans aren't monsters guys. I mean some of them are but they're real people just like you. Of course they'd help you in that situation

ANGEL

• Why can't my boys and my girls all just have happiness? Give them happiness goddammit. At least some peace • My,,,heart,,,Is,,,aching

FRIDAY

ANGEL

• All the emotions in this book are so real. I feel them in my gut • No Angel don't leave this way! • Mac. It's Mac. Time for a heart to heart • Juliet my girl my gal she deserves better. I want to hug her. I can't believe some parents can just do stuff like that. • She did take the knife! This is how they'll meet again though. The knife will bring them together

JIMMY

• They never have time my boys. They need to talk to Lister about his relationship with alcohol. Rowan deserves a relationship not affected so deeply by fame. Jimmy deserves so so much and it's not getting more anxious. They need to not sign the new contract • Rain rain so much rain • Jimmy that probably isn't a good idea..... but y'know what! Run. Go.

ANGEL

• Yes Angel you choose Juliet! • Or y'know Jimmy can message you... • Angel you be his bodyguard!!!!!

JIMMY

• He asked her to stay. Oh my babies. They're going to see Piero together ;_; • I love seeing Angel from Jimmy's perspective so much

ANGEL

• This whole section I just my heart is swelling • His grandma was called Joan. I'm going to cry • Piero my man I love him. He's adorable • Piero is wise. Piero speaks the truth. Jimmy and Angel both need to sort their shit out my babes

JIMMY

• No Jimmy please don't leave the ark just get a better contract. Idk. Ah this is so sad.

SATURDAY

ANGEL

• It's the boys. "I've got a bone to pick with you." Lol. Angry • This is certainly one way to meet your favourite band your obsessed with

JIMMY

• Jimmy noooooo • This isn't Angels fault Rowan. Just because she's a fictional protagonist so ends up in all these wild situations. • That's right Piero you tell em

ANGEL

• Angel you really gotta stop leaving without telling people • Yes Angel talk to your mummy. Is every interaction in this book going to split open my heart? • I wanna hug Angel so badly. I wanna hug them all • Statement of my love for Bliss again

JIMMY

• They're jamming like they used to. I'm going to cry. I never cry at books but I think I'm going to cry. • Why are they all so broken? Why do they have to break up? My heart it can't take this • Juliet is coming. The gang will be complete

ANGEL

• "I'm going to need another glass of milk" • Yes you definitely should care about yourselves more

JIMMY

• NO don't fight and leave NO • I'm going to need this fighting and hurt to stop now please. Time for happiness. Chip chop • Exactly don't let them leave Piero. It needs to be bloody resolved • Goddammit Lister. Just. Goddammit • Lister definitely has the knife doesn't he? • I'm so sad and there's not much left. This better get resolved enough for me to be smiling by the end or help me god

ANGEL

• Where's Lister? Jesus it just keeps coming. This needs to stop • Yes Juliet you snap at your idol. Don't take any shit girl

JIMMY

• Why do Angel and Jimmy both think everything is there fault. Stop it. Just. Ugh. My babies no • This weather is dramatic • Oh fuck. Oh no. Lister!!!! No. Why ah my heart no fuck no. Why the hELL would you do this to him? Why write this? Ahhhh • What the fu k? What the FUCK? WHY?

SUNDAY

ANGEL

• Yes yes yes. Angel would make a great band manager • I want Angel and Jimmy to stay in touch. I love their photos. I love these characters. It's nearly over and I'm not ready

JIMMY

• Yes guys you do whatever you want! Fuck the contract! Live your life! Be the band you're meant to be! I love them so much and yeah they're all a right much of weirdos • And I'm finished. My heart has gone through so much. I love all these characters. I want more of them. I don't want it to be over

damn that was a good book! @chronicintrovert well done!!

[acim]

Ramblings on Limits on Faith

I laid there, my head in my boyfriend’s lap, resting against his warmth as he dozed off. Something dumb on TV was in the background, casting a bright white-blue light on two empty wine bottles on the coffee table. A tender scene of intimacy and comfort and simplicity, which I ruined. I had my phone in my hand, distracted as always, with a dating app open. My ass pics out, dick pics being sent to me left and right, all while I rested so unrestfully in my boyfriend’s lap; him being innocently unaware of what I was doing to him.

We somehow meandered to the bed and fell asleep there, but I woke up to him saying “is something wrong between us?” He had seen the texts somehow, which does not bother me, as I am an incredibly unprivate person. A deep dread entered me, and unfortunately it was not from some sense of guilt, which I should’ve felt, but instead it was from this fear and loathing for communicating to him something that he did not want to hear, for disappointing someone that I truly did care for. He cried to me, and as his heart broke I didn’t do the brave thing, I did not communicate why I did what I did and how I truly felt about our relationship, I blamed it on something else going on in my life and apologized; damage control that was blatantly a lie just to avoid the painful truth. 

Thankfully, he did not buy into my poorly-veiled damage control completely, he thought it was best to at least take a break, if not fully breakup. Words like music to my ears at the time. Through my actions I was able to communicate the truth of unhappiness between us, even though I should’ve communicated it so much sooner. We tried to stay friends after, but I could not stop judging him and seeing him not for who he was in the present but who he was in the past. I could not see his perfection as an image of God. I caused him so much pain and I ask for forgiveness for that.

I have never been truly faithful in any of my relationships, except for my most recent one, which was the only time I felt like I was truly even remotely present in a romantic relationship. He challenged me to be more present in and of myself and I am thankful for that, even though that relationship is over. And that challenge was so intriguing, it was the reason why that is the only time I had not at least redownloaded dating apps if not done more unfaithful things, during a relationship. And when I was dumped, the pain was so acute and sharp, like a nail bursting a balloon: suddenly, loudly, and violently. Just like a balloon popping, this pain woke me up to how unpresent I was due to my own disordered thinking. It also woke me to how poorly I had been treating people; I have treated people, even people I greatly and deeply cared for, as nothing more than interchangeable toys. Never truly creating that sacred space for connection between myself and someone else. Never truly seeing everyone I interact with romantically or platonically or professionally as the true and utter perfection they are.

Both here and in previous posts, I’ve hinted at from where this arises. My intense need to please people and never disappoint people brings up this pain and this separation between myself and others. We often think all day that if we bring up something difficult or something unpleasant to someone else that they will react negatively.

“Maybe they’ll hate me” “He’ll end it with me if I tell him” “He’ll fire me if I express my frustration”

And we can obsess over this and turn into these little balls of stress over something that we have entirely made up. An inner play of self-inflicted torment. But when you really think about it, it is so nice to hear these things. It is so liberating to know the truth; so liberating to know what someone else thinks in earnest without the filter that comes with worrying about other people’s reactions. The pain of our expectations not coming to fruition through inaction or lies on someone else’s part is much worse than the pain of being told the reality of the situation up front. So go forth and be a blunt ass binch.

If we betray our gut instinct to tell the truth and instead go down the route of people pleasing, which I am guilty of, then we also ensure separation through inauthenticity. By creating this fake persona for every single person we come into contact with, we ensure that we cannot truly ever get close to anyone. Even if they like that persona you have created to please them, which is rare, as that kind of fake energy inevitably pushes people away, then they like not you. They like this not you because you have not at all even allowed them the possibility of knowing the real you. My most egregious way of doing this is by not being vulnerable, by being so sheltered in myself, as I have said in one of my previous posts. Specifically, I take myself too seriously. I’m afraid of being vulnerable and doing goofy, fun, or stupid shit because I’m afraid of what people will think of me, I’m afraid my inner fun won’t appease everyone. I am too serious to dance with most friends, or to sing with most friends, or act like a fool with most friends; there are a select few that I can, all women, but the story behind that is for another post. I also can feel this aggressive seriousness whenever I talk and it is silent but for my voice, a deafening silence that makes me retract into myself and stop talking as soon as possible. We all take ourselves too seriously, and sure there’s a time and place for reverence and formality, as life itself should be taken seriously, but our meager selves should not be taken so seriously. So lighten up, have fun, live a little. 

uwu Live Laugh Love uwu

I am taking steps now to be more vulnerable (not only in terms of levity) with almost every person I meet, and it truly has been transformative. It is incredibly uncomfortable to let anyone, even those close to us, in and to see how we treat ourselves. To show them how cruel we can be to ourselves when we could not imagine anyone else being nearly as cruel to our friends. An odd conundrum. “Do as I say not as I do.” But with that inevitable uncomfortability of change comes this opening up to everything and this ability to receive so much more deeply. Which in turn creates a deeper sacred space between ourselves and others, it unseparates us, and that is truly all we are trying to do. I have been doing this vulnerability-increasing with my father, and have never had such a healthy relationship with him.

I mentioned faith above and how I have struggled with it romantically. However, that is not the only way that I have struggled with faith. My entire life I have struggled with faith in anything. Always cynical about everything. Flitting about from one thing to another, never truly staying in one place long enough to maintain and promote faithfulness. Specifically, my religious/spiritual faith has always been weak, and that’s still something I struggle with today. My prayer group, who I cherish deeply as they have so much wisdom and compassion to give and receive, take things in the Course much too seriously for me. They take these metaphysical concepts of the big bang, of oneness, and cosmic certitude, and apply it to the physical world. And it makes me wonder about where I should put limits on faith, or if I can even put limits on faith without it losing all meaning. Perhaps I am just intellectualizing some of the lessons and not truly taking them in spiritually, which is where this limiting comes from. At the same time though, we live in the real world. The real world is filled with fear due to our unseparation that populates the energy surrounding us. And that energy causes real physical danger to be present. I cannot be compassionate and caring and loving if I am dead or in such an emotional rut because of my situation that I am too loving to leave. To be a loving person is to be bold and to be a blessing, and sometimes that boldness requires the opposite of people pleasing, instead it requires to be brutally honest and authentic. And to do that I must take care of myself.

But where’s the limit? Where do I draw the line of taking care of myself and taking care of others (especially in a partially unhealthy situation)? When do I leave the train station if the train is not for me? So I am obviously thinking of a specific scenario, and that scenario is teaching. I come back to this over and over, that I need to quit, that I got into it for the wrong reasons, that it is unsustainable, and not a career for me at all, even though I am good at it according to my observers and students. And there are perks, summer vacation and a solid schedule, that do attract me, but it still feels like I’m forcing it? 

Anyway, the main thing I am gleaning from this is that can we give if we are not in a good place? Can we give what we do not have? And if you really think about it, yes we can, and thinking we can’t is a way of scapegoating; of making an excuse for being fearful and unloving. There is no place and no situation where giving out of an abundance of desire for love does not help you feel more loved and connected, which in turn improves your position you were in. What is the pain in being loving, honestly and deeply loving? Where is the danger? It does not exist.

So for me, I am trying to incorporate that into my teaching job and see if it helps open me up to the possibility that things will be okay. However, I also know that I am forcing teaching and that goes against what I should be doing… so I am both actively looking for a way out while also accepting my current job through being more loving.

Long story short, maybe there should be no limits on faith, maybe spirituality can pervade all areas of my life. Maybe it can be like a vine growing through all areas of existence, cohesing them into a more whole union. And that’s honestly truly what we should all want, a more whole and full life. We can all take action towards this by not being people pleasers, but rather being authentic people; by putting faith in yourself that you are as you are meant to be and you will find the people in your life that will love your authentic self. 

[allvrings]

( camila mendes / 23 / she/her ) is that ( daniela rocha ) ordering a ( green tea ) at mocha? i heard they’re an ( art consultant/personal assistant ) who’s known as the ( facade ) around here. however, they say ( daniela ) is very ( captivating ), but ( inauthentic ). well, better get their drink before it gets cold! ( astra / 17 / she/her / pst )

hey, hey !! i'm astra & i’m super happy to be here !! honestly, the group looked cute as hell and i couldn’t resist. fun fact: this is pretty much only my second appless rp ever so forgive me if i’m a bit awkward at first. anyways !! i’m gonna go over some stuff about dani under the cut ( which i’ll try to keep short ), so like this post if you wanna plot & i’ll hit you up <3

tw: abandonment, alcohol abuse, manipulation, sexual implications

ok buckaroos !! here’s a quick & messy crash course on my girl dani

daniela rocha is currently 23 and she’s originally from camarillo, ca. in case you don’t know much abt that area, it’s a relatively “small” area in comparison to los angeles, and is also made up of a lot of farmland and mountain areas. she grew up in a working, middle-class family so life was never truly handed to her. education-wise, she had always been in the top of her classes and managed to land the spot of valedictorian when she graduated. really, she’s so fckn proud of that and will fight anyone who tries to even IMPLY that she’s dumb. her kink is correcting ppl when they say dumb shit

in school she was also well-liked by others — for the most part. the problem with dani is that... she’s a roach. that’s why she’s dani rocha. just move that “a” over a couple of letters & u get roach :~)

ok, no, but rlly. she has issues bcs she doesn’t like not being liked by others because she has straight-up abandonment issues bcs of her dad walked out when she was about 5 and her mom was ?? an alcoholic who rlly wasn’t there for her & she blames herself for those issues so she thinks that if she “fixes” herself and appeals to each individual on a different level then more ppl will like her. 

but then ?? stuff like that gets her into trouble bcs she will do and agree with anything that another person says. she’ll talk shit behind a friend’s back just to make another friend and she’s just... a rAT !! but like i said, she’s two-faced and she does her best to make nice with everyone in a different way just to ensure that they like her bcs she’s insecure abt herself. in a way ?? she’s manipulative

and that moves onto her #issues. on the outside, she seems super cool and confident and sure of herself but on the inside, she’s just ?? such a sad person and so insecure and harbors a lot of self-hatred for the way she acts. like, girl has lost dozens of rlly good friends bcs she has no real loyalty. 

some other things abt her is that she’s the personification of “i fucked my way to the top.” like, the only reason she got her job as a personal assistant is bcs she did things with her current boss. and her pa job eventually landed her a gig as an art consultant for a few clients bcs .. lowkey she’s an Art hoe™ and majored in art history.

rlly, she just wants 2 party and avoid her feelings forever. 

ok now ?? i’m just gonna list a few plots that would be cool ( but i’m lit open 2 anything )

buddies: so literally... im the biggest heaux for platonic ships. give ‘em all 2 me bcs i actually love them more than romantic ships. anyway, i’d love her her to have some pals. could be people that she fucks with and keeps up a facade with or it could be the ONE friendship where she’s truthful and loyal. i’m a big fan of opposites attract types of dynamics so if u got a shy introverted muse ?? throw ‘em @ me.

her boss: man, woman, non-binary ?? idk !! but the boss would have to be someone with a bit of power bcs... she is trying 2 fuck her way to the top. rlly, don’t stress this connection bcs i might just put it as a wanted connection or smthg

ex-buddies: maybe some people that she fucked over in the past ?? she could have gone over their head with something or she could have just.. really messed up their life by being a complete untrustworthy ass

ex-romances: i mean...if ur lookin for some angst with a girl who can’t commit to anything, here’s ya girl. again, gender doesn’t matter bcs .. dani rlly doesn’t care at all. 

potential buddies: idk maybe ppl who kinda ?? notice how toxic she is and point it out to her so she can be all defensive like “huh ?? me ?? i’m totally trustworthy.” but also buddies who might just have very surface friendships with her and don’t really see that side of her yet.

party buddies: pretty much only hang out at 2am, either in some sketchy bar where they drunkenly stumble around and fall off the bar stools or at a club/party where things are just wild

ok that’s all i can think of ?? again, go ahead and shamsh that like button if u wanna plot !!

[justanotherone16]

Take a moment....

Look we are not wrong. If it's not canon it's because even the writers are wrong. I didn't make up all of the subtext myself, and I can't believe they accidentally created masses of subtext. So it was planned, and it was either planned because it is actually gay, or the writers and everyone involved are the biggest cunts on earth, who think queerbaiting is fun. Tell me: would Gatiss queer bait? A gay man with a love of Sherlock Holmes who wanted to write an adaptation with his buddy who is also a Holmes enthusiast so they could FIX what everyone is getting wrong. Would this man leave them in platonic limbo like everyone else has thus far? Would benedict Cumberbatch, a man whose own mother described him as a "twink", who has a best friend who is an overtly gay man, that man was his best man. And Cumberbatch officiated his gay wedding. Would BC commit to a boring, cruel queer bait? No fam. Would Martin "everyone is a little bit bi" Freeman have agreed to play ANOTHER het John Watson? Would his social liberal, conscience have allowed him to queer bait like fuck? Would Andrew Scott, another gay man, have agreed to play Moriarty in the biggest queer bait of all time?? Mmmm no. Would the BBC have ignored their own research and ploughed MILLIONS into a show that does the opposite what they publicly pledged to do- represent LGBT+ relationships in a non-tragic way, if it was actually a queer bait? Would Arwel have put elephants in most rooms if there was no elephant in the fucking room? What's making tv history and groundbreaking cos ummm Holmes backstory has been done loads of ways. They even had him being analysed by Freud in 7% solution! And platonic bros is all it's ever been shown as, queer baiting aint new. SO WHAT IS IT? Wtf does "the power to change 1895" mean if it isn't taking them out of the hostile anti gay Victoriana and placing them in 21st century to be TOGETHER? And obviously there's the hours upon hours of evidence in the show.... I know these last few days have been hard. Like honestly I feel so nervous. But it's like... walking through airport security. I don't traffic drugs or bomb planes yet I am on edge walking through. This screening business has put doubt in our minds... I know. Truly. But then when I think about it, we have SO much evidence for why TJLC is real, that evidence is still there. And after that screening arwel posts the biggest elephant on twitter and I can't believe he's baiting... I'm sorry I just cannot. I'll be honest I've no idea how we will get a different episode to BFI, idk if it'll be alternate endings or straight up different scenes replacing others, or extra time.... idk but I can't fathom how, on Sunday, johnlock will not be canonised. I just can't. I'm still a nervous wreck, I've got to be up in 5 hours for work and I'm glued to tumblr losing my mind instead. I'm not calm or collected and I'm definitely not berating anyone who has lost faith or is nervous because me too pal, me too. This is a big deal, for us, for tv in general, for LGBTQ+ groups... it's huge and it's scary to think it's here, the moment of truth is coming. What if it doesn't happen? I know I've been thinking that too... but somehow I always end up back where I started- pointing to allllll the evidence and asking, where has all of this come from then? We must be right. I hope you guys are all okay, let's get through this together. 💙💜❤

[iloveyouevenstill]

Oscar Wilde once said hearts are made to be broken - but that poetic insight doesn’t help ease the pain of another universal truth: Breakups really, really suck.

The pain of calling it quits (or having it called for you) with someone whom you’ve invested time and emotions in - someone whom you’ve planed a future with, even if it’s just trying that new Mexican restaurant next weekend - is enough to make even the Tin Man’s absent heart ache.

The worst part about having that intimacy ripped away is the question that lingers: What the hell am I supposed to do now? After a breakup you have three choices, says relationship and breakup expert Susan. J. Elliot, author of Getting Back Out There: Successful Dating and Finding Real Love After the Big Breakup.

1. Spend time and energy focusing on your ex, trying to win them back (and possibly succeeding). 2. Go on as if nothing happened, perhaps falling into the first relationship that comes along. 3. Take your time and heal properly, look at what’s happened, learn from it, and find ways to build a new and healthy life.

Not surprisingly, all of our experts are in favor of the last option. (Wait, no option to cry yourself to sleep over rom coms while eating your feelings?)

Your Silver Lining Playbook

 “Breakups are a catch-22: It sucks to have your heart broken, but at the same time, it’s quite possibly the best thing to ever happen to you,” says relationshup coach Donna Barnes, author of Giving Up Junk-Food Relationships: Recipes for Healthy Choices.

It’s make you a better human being, for one, as people who have been heartbroken tend to have more compassion, she says. And it’ll strengthen your friendships - nothing cures loneliness like midweek happy hours and girls’ nights in (or guys’ night out). Plus, heartbreak survivors recognize how valuable a good relationship is - whether romantic or platonic - and will know what’s worth fighting for in the future, Barnes adds.

The end of a relationship is also one of the best jump-starts for lackluster motivation. With extra time on your hands and the newfound need to create your own happiness, you can finally take that French cooking course you’ve always wanted to try or hit up kickboxing (and work out some aggression) three times a week.

And if you leverage the pain correctly, the brightest light at the end of the turmoil tunnel is this: Not only do you come out a stronger, healthier, better version of yourself, but also your future relationships are only looking up from here.

No Pain, No Gain

First, though, we have to understand why a little love loss hurts to damn much. For starters, don’t trivialize the trauma. One study found that when people hooked up to brain scans looked at photos of their ex, the parts of the brain scans looked at photos of their ex, the parts of the brain associated with physical pain lit up - meaning you feel the ache of heartbreak much the same way you’d feel stubbing your toe or burning your hand.

Researchers also found that woman experience more pain than men after a breakup. Why? Ladies are evolutionary wired to invest in whomever they get involved with, since a one-night stand could lead to nine months of pregnancy, followed by an actual child. Whom the canoodle with potentially affects their future, so they become more attached to the one who makes it through the selection process. They’re therefore mourning both the loss of that person and potential future, whether consciously or not. (The upside, researchers also mention, is that women heal faster than guys.)

Same goes for lesbian relationships, research suggests.In fact, breakups between women may be even more painful, as women experience a stronger effect of the “bonding hormone,” oxyoctin, than men. So a tight bond between two similarly wired women can only break with great distress.

“Parts of that post-breakup distress is actually your reaction to losing your identity.”

But there’s more. Yes, you miss that person - their bad jokes, their Sunday snuggles, their annoying-yet-enduring quirks. But part of that post-breakup distress is actually your reaction to losing your identity, research from Northwestern University says. When you are in a relationship, your sense of self becomes intertwined with your partner’s. And researchers found that after a breakup, people felt their selves were subjectively less clear and subjectively smaller compared to when they had been part of a pair.

But not all identity molding is bad. “Sometimes, being in a couple can create ‘self-expansion,’ when you take on new positive qualities due to being in the relationship, such as picking up a new hobby,” explains social psychologist Gwendolyn Seidman, Ph.D, associate professor of Psychology at Albright College in Pennsylvania. Being in a relationship can also cause “self-pruning,” or the elimination of your negative traits, like kicking a smoking habit. These two adjustments generally have a positive impact on your relationship and well-being, she adds.

The bad news comes when you get to self-contraction - losing the positive traits you once had - and self-adulteration - gaining negative traits.

So cut yourself a break post breakup: You’re not only missing your partner, but you’re also partially mourning the loss of this reliable, enjoyable, and secure identity you’ve created.

Happiness wasn’t build in a day.

While it’s beyond nerve-racking to suddenly be flying solo, what follows has the wonderfully optimistic title in psychology of “self-restructuring.” After all, most people have to hit rock bottom before they are motivated to change anything about themselves - if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, right?

“A breakup can be a gift if you use it to become a better version of yourself.”

“A breakup can be a gift if you use it to become a better version of yourself,” Barnes says. “The primary question people have after a breakup is, ‘Why doesn’t he/she want me anymore?’” But instead of wallowing in that dark hole, restructure your outlook to make asking the question helpful, Barnes suggests: What didn’t you like about yourself in the relationship? What values did you compromise on (like ditching your friends for an impromptu date night or skipping the gym to snuggle longer)? What were your biggest fights about and how did you handle them (did you shut down and avoid confrontation?)?

What’s more: Too often people play out their dependency needs with their partner (and their partner does the same with them), and this causes problems in the relationship, explains Deborah P. Hecker, Ph,D,, psychotherapist and relationship expert, author of Who Am I Without My Partner?: Post-Divorce Healing and Rediscovering You Self. “When one is flying solo, it is the perfect time to turn inward and to fill in the gaps.” (And don’t forget the many other benefits of living la vida single too.)

Completing thoughts like “I get angry when...” “I feel strongest when...” “When I’m alone, I feel...” can help too, Hecker says. “This shouldn’t be a way to negatively judge yourself, but rather a way to see yourself objectively in order to grow.”

A study found that this kind of reflection helps you process what has happened and helps you heal by strengthening your sense of self as a singleton. Go it alone, grab a friend, or if you want an un-sugarcoated perspective, consider a professional therapist or counselor, who can give you deeper insights and potentially speed up healing time.

Choosing Yourself

The next - and uber important - step is to substitute healthy behaviors for the old patterns, Hecker advises. If you always listened to your S.O.’s take on movies to politics, for example, discuss your own thoughts with a friend or family member.

“The best chance of finding a healthy and forever love is to have a wonderful life full of interests, hobbies, good friends, and social circles,” says Elliot. Translator: It’s time to pick up your dusty yoga mat, find a volunteer group, to start connecting with like-minded people.

  “Before you can have that perfect romance, you have to be the best version of yourself.”

Creating a vibrant life for yourself - partner or no partner - should be priority #1 post breakup. “The need to bond is in our DNA and an integral part of the human condition, but it’s equally true that a relationship can only be as god as the people in it,” Hecker explains. That means before you can have that perfect romance, you have to be the best version of yourself.

The growth that comes from heartbreak will also help your future relationship be more successful. “Most people don’t know what they don’t want in a relationship until they’ve experienced it, so breakups help them make better choices about the next relationship because the know to avoid the personality characteristics that didn’t work,” Barnes says.

Bonus: This growth will probably help you stop pining for your ex, since you aren’t looking for the same thing in a partner as you were before (or it can be the catalyst in knowing you really should get back together). 

The Takeaway

We know that it’s nearly impossible to trust there’s happiness ahead when you’re six tissue boxes deep into the heartache. But remember there’s light at the end of the tunnel: Research finds that the sooner you can redefine your sense of self, the sooner you will get over a breakup.

All any of us wants is to be happy. For some, this requires the perfect person to be our other half, and for others, it means completing the equation yourself. Either way, to find the right person, you need to be the right person. And trust that in the long run, your efforts will lead to your own personal happy ending.