#it changed my brain chemistry it is SO GOOD! You can tell everyone involved simply loved what they were doing 😭

[alltimefail]

We are only 23 signatures away from 20,000!

If you haven't signed this petition yet, please sign it! Share the link on your blog to all your followers and on your other personal socials as well. If you're from another fandom and want to sign in solidarity with a diverse, queer show that would be so appreciated.

The cast and crew are still being encouraging toward our efforts and publications are talking about this show DAILY. Pressure on Netflix is immense right now and we cannot let up.

We can and we will save Dead Boy Detectives. Keep streaming and screaming! We need to show them we're not going anywhere! 💜

[hubblebubblehub]

yona 197 thoughts

Firstly, behold. I am alive. This chapter honestly made my brain malfunction for a good minute or so, I legit had something akin to a stroke. I honestly believe this chapter encapsulates what has gone wrong with Yona’s storytelling. I understand this is a ‘memoir’, but even backstories whose existence is to deliver exposition require decent consistent characterisation, and a balanced mixture of ‘show don’t tell’ mixed with foreshadowing to result in something... bearable. This chapter was legitimately almost unbearable to read because I think Kusa herself has lost the plot.

To organise my thoughts Imma just put some lil subheadings.

Yon-hi

You know what? Ever since chapter 190 I realised that Yon-hi didn’t have much of a character other than that of an exposition clown. So this lame wrap up on her character was bearable to read, because it’s not as if she had the potential to be anything more than a ye old exposition dump. It’s still frustrating to read her ‘acknowledge’ her own faults, which also make no sense since we haven’t seen a proper build up in a change of thoughts. Yes, she acknowledged her husband was a brute to a certain extent, but apart from this chapter I don’t see her recognising the IMPORTANCE of her position and how her passiveness is stopping her from wielding more influence to prevent tragedy that so clearly hurts her. Sure, she notices that as a country bumpkin amongst nobles she stands out, but even 10 years after the genocide of the priests she never once confronted her husband about it. Or anyone really. Why the change of heart now? The excuse that her husband and Kashi (whom she wasn’t really friends with in the first place?? Honestly I think she was just attached to her out of guilt for what happened) are dead doesn’t explain why she would suddenly have the urge to take some sort of action since the past decade proves she thrives in complacency.

Additionally her relo with her son... I don’t even understand it anymore. She claims she loves Soo-Won but then she writes a letter to her brother-in-law basically asking him to ‘watch out for him’ like MA’AM HE IS YOUR SON. What happened to the role she devoted herself to, as a MOTHER?? I honestly give up trying to understand it.

Il

Oh boi. I thought Yon-hi and Yu-hon had an awful characterisation but Il really takes the cake. I thought I could accept Il’s cowardice since it his duality has been hinted at throughout the whole manga, but honestly it makes close to no sense here. I’m surprised no-one decided to assassinate him the first few years into his reign. I would’ve done it tbh.

This chapter just brings more questions into his passive nature. Why the HELL did he just sit and wait around for something to happen after hearing about the future? Yes, as a religious devotee, he probably accepted the future as fact, but why didn’t he do ANYTHING about it? It seems like he banned weapons out of guilt of his murder, not to actually stop Soo-Won (since he ‘accepted’ that destiny of dying by his nephew’s hands). 

If he knew that Yona would not only face hardship from her position as a reincarnation, but her own freaking family, why didn’t he take counter measures? I don’t understand why he wouldn’t try to empower her so that when he would eventually leave her, she would be able to take care of herself. His attitude to Soo-Won also makes no sense too. If he already accepted he would die by his hand, why didn’t he ban/prevent him from visiting the castle? And if he already accepted his fate, why didn’t he just let the marriage go through anyway? He could clearly see that Soo-Won didn’t detest Yona and would care for her, Yona would be happy with him (provided the murder wouldn’t happen lmfao).

Oh and also, if he knew all these shitty events were going to happen? What was his excuse for not taking care of the country, leaving more than hundreds to starve, live in poverty and die? ‘I’m a placeholder and my brother must not become King. Also I leave everything to the gods’ divine will because I’m a really great religious follower uwu’. Not ‘I’ll properly communicate with my brother, nephew and court to make this country a better place while I’m here to prevent the mistakes of the past.’ He acknowledges he’s not a great King. Why doesn’t he acknowledge and humble himself asking for advice from his advisors. Like whAT

Il & Kashi

Poor Kashi lmfao. Kusa in this chapter really trying to convince us they had a loving relationship and Il was simply just trying to avenge his wife. Sure, let’s say Il did love Kashi. He did a really awful way of expressing it, to the point Kashi genuinely believed he only married her to make the designer baby that is Yona. And I don’t see proof of otherwise tbh. I guess you could argue that Il  & Kashi had some chemistry during the garden scene with Ik-Soo... but also Kashi was a ‘kid’ apparently so call the FBI lmfao. There are honestly no scenes or buildup that convince me that Il loved Kashi without the involvement of the divine. Kashi, maybe. I think she admired him but I see none of that from Il. Even when he flat out murders his brother, his defense isn’t ‘YO THAT WAS MY WIFE YOU JUST MURDEREDDD’ It was ‘THAT WAS THE MOTHER OF THE RED DRAGON’. I think these are self explanatory.

Also to that anti-Soo-Won translator who was saying how this line by Il basically disproves everyone who thought he didn’t love Kashi- it really doesn’t. If anything it just shows how terrible the writing has been for this arc because it’s nowhere near believable enough to accept as truth. Show me scenes where Il is actually.... showing affection and being in a loving and equal relationship with his wife smh

Romance

Il’s reliance on ‘love’ also makes no sense as well, and also highlights how problematic romance is in this series. Considering how ‘girl power’ this series is with Kouren, Lili & her bodyguards, Yona and even Kashi to a certain extent, it makes no sense that Il would choose to leave everything to a man who simply ‘loves Yona and will never betray her’. Like,,, did the events that transpired TEACH HIM NOTHING?? 

Sure only men can become Kings but it seems Queens have a significant position as well. And since Yona is the red dragon... wouldn’t like,, everyone know and respect and hold her on a higher level regardless lmfao like WHAT IS IL THINKING?? He knows that Yona ended up as a superficial spoilt princess as she grew older, but what did he do to rectify that?? n o t h i n g, except attempt to throw another man (Hak) to help solve the (future) problem.

A great grey point this manga has made since the beginning of the series is ‘Prioritising one individual will cause an entire Kingdom to fall to ruin’. So this is why I don’t understand Il’s actions. Yu-hon committed genocide for his wife, whom he loved (also a really poorly built up romance but this chapter ain’t about them), and APPARENTLY murdered Kashi too (dang it... such a weak and predictable outcome, I’m disappointed in you Kusa). Il killing Yu-hon caused Soo-Won & all the Yuhon stans to seek vengeance (although he also did kinda murder him for the sake of Kouka, but nonetheless her adored his father). SO WHY ON EARTH DOES IL THINK LOVE FROM ANOTHER PERSON IS GONNA SAVE HIS DAUGHTER. MAYBE FOR SOMEBODY ELSE BUT CERTAINLY NOT THE ROYAL DAMN FAMILY.

Also just because Hak clearly was devoted to and had affection for Yona, did not mean that Yona would feel the same way, which is arguably is ANOTHER IMPORTANT FACTOR IN A RELATIONSHIP. It seems like Il doesn’t give a damn about his freaking daughter honestly. But maybe who knows, Il has 500 IQ and decided to be passive so Yona would develop feelings for Hak. It was all part of his master plan, while he left most of his kingdom to suffer, no biggie.

Writing

This was such a painful arc to read. I swear Kusa tried to engage her fanbase by constantly making plot twists every chapter. Yu-hon is a good guy. SIKE he’s not. SIKE Il is kind of worse. SIKE Yu-hon bad and should never be one the throne. Il is an okay guy. SIKE he’s borderline religiously fanatic. SIKE Yuhon the crazy one. SIKE Il weird af because he marries Kashi to have baby dragon Yona. SIKE he actually loved Kashi he just DiDn’t MAkE HiS FeElings KnoWn.

Honestly that doesn’t even cover how inconsistent other characters like Yon-hi are either. Bleugh

Predictions for 198?

Maybe Yona will take it upon herself to rectify the wrongs done and pull herself together. Perhaps also do something more substantial than have a deus ex machina bunch of books deliver to information right into her hands. Also maybe show what Soo-Won thinks of this memoir? Surely he’s read it... if he hasn’t then like bye. This series is honestly breaking my heart with every monthly update I swear.

///might rant more later

[flovey-dovey]

I want to say something about Klaus

I’ve been waiting a very long time to see this movie, and when I finally could I loved it to pieces. But the ending broke my heart- in more ways than one.

There will be no “tldr” here because my feelings about this film are too strong to let me minimalize what I have to say about it (but I might have to make a part 2 since this is pretty big). If you don’t agree with me, that’s fine, it’s okay, I don’t blame you. I won’t tell you you’re wrong, because in your own life you’re as obligated as ever to have an opinion of your own, correct or not. One other thing I want to say before I start rambling is that this will be messy. Also I do not- nor have ever- claimed to be a critic, and this is not a review. This is just a single person on the internet expressing their opinion, and for the love of all that is holy let’s keep it at that.

Foreword over, on to my pure thoughts. Oh, and spoiler alert for those who haven’t seen the movie yet. No matter what I think about it it’s definitely worth a watch, and going into this without seeing it will probably confuse some folks. Maybe.

Okay, since my main qualm is with the characters, let’s start with Alva. I like her. She’s not the generic “tough girl who don’t need no man” I was fully prepared to have shoved down my throat. She has some genuinely good moments on her own as well as funny and pleasant interactions with both Jesper and the children of the town and is a fine character. She is jaded and determined, though not to the point of that being her entire personality, and I loved watching her find happiness as the teacher she wanted to be. She is a victim of circumstance that eventually has her environment changed and finds herself changed with it for the better. Her design and personality were very pleasing (to me) to see as well.

However...

Why did she have to be the love interest? Just- why? What warranted her eventually desiring a relationship of any description when she was shown to be more devoted to her position as a teacher- and as a single woman- throughout 90% of the film? This is especially frustrating since it turns almost every scene with her into one that involves Jesper in some way rather than build her as a character outside of this perspective. It takes away from Alva “the character” and instead focuses more on her as Alva “the love interest”. In media stuffed to the rafters in heteronormative relationships, and from those that I’ve seen, as afraid as I was to see it happen I was also prepared to have this aspect of the movie gracelessly thrown into my face. So, as might be expected, I actually groaned out loud when I saw it come to pass. I’m not mad, just... actually that’s a lie I am rather irritated by it, but also just... sad. Very, very sad. Disappointed, you might say. She and Jesper don’t have a lot of interactions showing that this was the obvious outcome. The best I can think that people would draw this conclusion would be a) she’s a woman and he’s a guy and they looked at each other that one time, and b) when he was trying to be charming to wriggle out of her wrath. Also, same scene, I don’t buy that it’s further implied by the boat-guy (I forget his name and can’t find it on IMDB) teasing Jesper over “young love” after she leaves in a huff. He’s not a reliable look into any feelings Jesper might feel towards her since all he’s done up to that point is tease him. It’s not enough, it just isn’t. Not to me.

In regards to her feelings for Jesper, the most I see from her is gratitude. The scene when she’s showing Jesper what he unintentionally did for the town is just that, and as she’s looking at the townsfolk Jesper looks... distressed. This is because he is conflicted about what to do at this point in the story, not necessarily because of any feelings for Alva, but it doesn’t even look like he’s thinking of her- romantically- at all. They don’t share any additional conversation, either; not a single flirtatious joke or anything that would lead me to believe they were bonding. I feel horribly conditioned to see her as the love interest and nothing more because that’s all I’ve ever seen done with a man and woman who only share a single line of dialogue before some narrator is telling me “of course” they got together in the end. Oftentimes, that line of dialogue is in an unpleasant or downright aggressive scenario, and that’s not romance. Seeing it happen over and over and over and over in almost every piece of media I subject myself to makes me want to take a blowtorch to my brain. I’m literally at my wit’s end. If it was more built-up and actually there, then fine, I take it back, but the thing is I hardly saw anything at all in terms of either Jesper or Alva or both of them thinking about each other, wanting to be together as more than just friends, throughout the entire hour and a half of the movie. The most scenes I can say they shared (not counting the ending because I’ll get to that in a bit) are four, with each one being little more than a minute long, two of them being more on the aggressive side, the third being when Alva shows Jesper the new Smeerenburg. Pleasant and humorous, yes, but not inherently romantic (neither of them share more than a glance and Jesper looks pretty preoccupied internally). The fourth is of Alva helping Margu translate what she wants from Klaus for Jesper. When Margu hugs Jesper and he and Alva exchange silent looks, the expression on Alva’s face, to me, says something like “you’re not half bad” and a note of good humor for how he handles children. Just so we’re clear I’m not against her finding happiness with Jesper. I just want it to be warranted. Not narrated.

Oh, but their love for each other is obvious and clearly meant to be from the start, is it? Okay then, show me when Alva says or does something and makes Jesper laugh, or vice-versa. Show me when she thought of him OUTSIDE of simply showing him what he did for everyone and how their hands touched, their gazes met and shy or flirtatious smiles spread across their faces as they drew slightly closer, and how she felt something more than gratitude and impressment for him. Show me when Jesper wanted to do something for her OUTSIDE being the means to a letter-related end. Show me the parts when they pined for each other and how happy seeing the other’s smile made them and how they were happy for each other’s progress and encouraged each other. Show me the parts of the movie where Jesper visited as often as he could manage to squeeze into his busy schedule just to chat. Show me kisses, hand-holding, lingering looks and happy little half-smiles cast from across a crowded courtyard. Maybe they do share something more than friendship, but no matter what I can’t get over how little there was between them to give me the impression it was going to lead to romance. It’s not even subtext, in my opinion.

Do you remember when Jesper’s father came back and it all came out in a part known as “the liar revealed” (a trope I quite hate for the oftentimes needless forced drama it creates, but whatever, for now I’ll let it slide) that he had ulterior motives which, at that point, he no longer had? Alva was the FIRST to turn her back on him in spite of their “lovey-dovey” merry-go-round painting MOMENTS earlier. She didn’t even want to hear out Jesper, who was clearly upset, and jumped straight to accusing him without showing that she was just as upset by the revelation that he could’ve been using her and playing with her feelings. How romantic. Meanwhile, the last one to return inside was Klaus, who was far more saddened and disappointed, leaving slower and leaving Jesper looking the worst, like he was heartbroken by his words- an echo of his own- most of all.

In fact...

Speaking of Klaus, I’d say Jesper is far more attracted to him than to Alva. This movie, while nearly devoid of interactions serving to build romantic chemistry between Jesper and Alva (which it absolutely should’ve if they had the ending be what it was), is littered with moments, wordless and otherwise, between Klaus and Jesper. So let’s go over them. I mean, if you’ve left by now then like I said at the start, I don’t mind. But if it’s alright I’d like to talk about them anyway, because holy holly I love them.

The scenes in question are clearly shown to develop their friendship and only get more romantic from there, and I could run out of breath trying to ramble them off all at once and what it meant to me to see them portrayed in such a beautiful way- artistically as well as in terms of the story.

Fairly early on, we learn that the wind is kind of its own “character”, guiding both Jesper and Klaus to ultimately meet each other as well as bringing them together more than once afterwards, and later on with what we learn about him it’s heavily implied to be the spirit of Klaus’ dearly departed wife. I’d like to think she was trying to tell Klaus to move on and find new love in Jesper and for Jesper to find purpose by Klaus’ side. The instances involving the wind are scattered throughout the film, so this is going to be a bit out of order.

To start, Jesper, while trying to get Klaus to donate his toys to the children of Smeerenburg, doesn’t notice the wind swirling around behind him like it was telling Klaus to follow him even if at the time Jesper’s intentions were selfish. Because he changes. They change each other, and their dynamic progresses so much more naturally, directly and clearly than Jesper and Alva’s.

There’s another scene when it leads Klaus to his workshop, where he opens the door to see a silhouette distinctly meant to parallel his wife- the one he loved- and revealed when he pulls back the cloth to be Jesper- his potential new love.

It’s one of the most explicit scenes enforcing my idea that Klaus’ wife was trying to get him to love again. Anyway, Jesper then excitedly starts going on about his gift and trying to get his mojo back before making an unintentionally big mistake by revealing a painful reminder of Klaus’ wife. A mistake he deeply regrets, mind. Not too long later, Jesper tries working on his own to make Margu’s wish for a boat/sleigh come true. While he works, the shot fades to see Klaus back at his workshop. He sees the picture Jesper drew of them and sighs, giving in and going to see him at the post office [also not to mention the drawing fades with the family shelf thing Klaus made so that’s pretty neat; took me a year to edit this in but hey better late than never]. My favorite scene is Klaus showing up to work on Margu’s present, giving Jesper a tool as well and interrupting Jesper to wordlessly point at the task at hand as if to say “If we work, we work together”. And that spoke to me. More than anything else in the movie and more than I’ve heard from any movie I’ve seen that I can remember. Also, Jesper’s soft, shy, willing smile put the biggest grin on my face. It was the last nail in the sled that made me convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that they were forming a romantic bond from this moment forward.

Part 2 because this is long:

https://flovey-dovey.tumblr.com/post/189133807093/part-2-of-my-thoughts-on-klaus

[apptg554]

Friends First Dating App

Bumble is a dating app that allows you to make new connections, whether you’re looking for a partner, to make new friends, or to expand your professional network. Making the first move on Bumble could change your life! DISCOVER OUR AMAZING FEATURES. Top Filters: Find your right date or next BFF and get an unforgettable first online encounter. Nov 18, 2020 The female-centric Bumble dating app burst onto the scene in 2014. Since then, the founder has launched the buzzy BFF mode as a way for women to meet women simply wanting friends. And though the swipe-happy app is a hit with younger millennials, there are success stories belonging to those born before the early ‘80s.

Friends First Approach To Dating

Is Bumble For Friends Or Dating

Dating is fun and all, but group dates are in again these days, too, especially with all the group dating apps out there. Not only do group dates take away from the pressure of one-on-one dates, but they’re also fun. Several brains are better than one, right? You may think you know all the local hot spots, but once you start a group chat in an app, you’ll soon realize the possibilities are endless. Plus, plenty can be social and not date-y, if that’s more your thing.

And, no two social/group dating apps are quite the same. After all, in general, there seem to be dating apps catered to everyone — adventure-seekers and travelers (like MeetMeOutside), ones where heterosexual women need to make the first move (like Bumble), and even ones for beard-lovers (like Bristlr), to name a few — and such is the case when it comes to group social outings, too.

Some only give you a limited amount of time, like 24 hours, to make plans while others coordinate the date for you — all you need to do is show up. Simple enough, huh? And others even include your first round of drinks. Sign. Me. Up.

Here are some social/group dating apps you need to try — so you can no longer make excuses that there’s no one around to go out with.

Check out Bustle's 'Save The Date' and other videos on Facebook and the Bustle app across Apple TV, Roku, and Amazon Fire TV.

1. Tinder Social

Now, you can go on group dates and outings via Tinder Social. Looking for a fun night out? Just create a group (which looks a lot like a group text) and an activity to do, like hitting up that new bar in Midtown. Even though you can only be in one group at a time, it’s NBD — your group expires at noon the next day anyway.

It’s perfect for making last-minute plans tonight. Plus, you can go back and forth in your settings between being on Tinder solely to date, one-on-one, and Tinder Social. Or, if you’re like me and are already coupled up, you and your bae can go on Tinder just for the social aspect.

2. Squad

With Squad, you pick up to five Facebook friends to be part of your “squad,” which you can switch up anytime. Plus, you can also have multiple squads. You create a group name and tagline, the latter meaning your goal — going to such-and-such bar tonight or a Mets game this weekend. Then, check out other squads and let the swiping left or right begin. Once you match with another squad, you have 24 hours to message and make plans. Oh, and instead of a bio, you describe yourself via three emojis (and you can still write a bio if you so choose) — which is awesome and so 2016.

3. Grouper

With Grouper, you anonymously pick out friends-of-friends to meet IRL. If you mutually match, the app plans a “Grouper” for you — drinks between their friends and your friends. Plus, there is no messaging when you use Grouper. None! The app does all the work for you: time, place, and coordinating with everyone involved. The best part? It’s about friends meeting up with friends. “Dating” does not even have to be part of it, though if you do find you have a love connection with a friend-of-a-friend, it’s pretty great (like having a letter of recommendation, of sorts).

4. CLIQ

Let’s say you and a couple friends want to meet some new people IRL. Just log onto CLIQ and then you can match with another group of friends. First, you’ll choose some topics you’re interested in. Then, the app will take it from there and send you “Goodies” based on your interests and suggest places for you to check out. Via “Huddle,” you can also chat with members of your CLIQ privately. With the app, CLIQs can also choose not to be private and post status updates, pics, videos, and location posts, so followers can see what you have going on and where.

5. Entourage

First, choose one or two friends and start a group with them. Then, the app suggests nearby groups to you and you can “like” or “pass.” When you and another group match, you can start up a group chat. Then, let the planning-to-meet-IRL begin. The only downside? Currently, Entourage is only available in New York City, Los Angeles, Chicago, and San Francisco, but let’s be optimistic that it’ll expand to more cities soon enough.

6. Cheers

Cheers, formerly known as Who’s That, is a social app that connects you to people at over 30 Boston-area bars. The company recently rebranded and also formed a partnership with Absolut Elyx, Absolut’s new luxury vodka — and continues to have a partnership with Fireball Whiskey, as well. With the app, you create a group with friends and swipe through other groups going out in your city. When you see people you want to get drinks with, tap “Cheers.” Like other swiping apps, you get a match when there’s mutual interest. Then, “Pick a Place” in the conversation to meet for drinks. Your concierge will make a reservation and you’ll get the first round of drinks free. Yep, free. So easy. (Though I hope it expands to other cities, too.)

Images: Fotolia, Tinder, Squad, Grouper, CLIQ, Entourage, Cheers

Whether you’re looking for true love or a quick hookup, dating apps have become the go-to for finding what you’re craving. But what about friends? After using Tinder and OKCupid for dating, I was actually more interested in finding new pals and I figured I could keep using the same tools but with a different purpose.

I’m open to love but not looking for it. I’m taking a very chill approach to new relationships these days, preferring to let the right connection come to me rather than chasing it. That said, I’ve always found dating apps really interesting and I love dating, so even though I’m not looking for romance, I still enjoy that aspect of it. Why not keep the parts of dating I enjoy and use the same approach to simply find cool people to hang with?

I’m upfront about it. I state in my profile that I’m looking for friendship so it’s clear to anyone perusing my stats what I’m open to. I also make sure to talk about it explicitly before I meet anyone in person. A dating site isn’t the typical place for people to find platonic connections, so I make sure I’m upfront about it. I have no interest in leading people on.

Friendship is more important to me than partnership. Don’t get me wrong, I love being in a relationship, but the older I get, the more I realize that a solid network of good friends is much more important. I want to have a community of amazing people around me more than I want to find “The One.” I’ve spent way too much time giving up my friendships for the sake of whichever relationship I was in at the time. Now it’s time to start putting friendship first.

An online connection doesn’t mean a real-life romance. Even if I meet someone online who I think could be an incredible partner, you never know until you’ve actually met them. I’ve met a few guys who, on paper and from our messages, seemed like real keepers, only to find there was no chemistry in real life. In those situations, I was open to keeping them as friends rather than scrapping all that potential because the spark of romance wasn’t there.

Friends First Approach To Dating

Not everyone has the same idea. Unfortunately, some people aren’t into it. Some of those dudes just dropped off the face of the earth when they realized I wasn’t interested romantically. I get it, they were looking for something specific and I just wasn’t on board. To me though, it just seems like a shame to shut off the possibility of platonic connection just because I wasn’t DTF.

It’s hit and miss. Just like searching for real-life romance through a screen doesn’t guarantee a connection, neither does looking for friends. I love dating because it’s an opportunity to meet an entirely new human being and friendship dating is no different. That said, some people just do not fit together and there’s a lot of time spent awkwardly sipping coffee over a forced conversation, calculating how many minutes until I can politely exit the interaction.

I’ve had some weird dates come out of it. Even if I say on my profile that I’m looking for friends, and even if that’s explicitly stated before we meet, there are still some people who equate dating apps with, well, dating. On the one hand, that’s totally fair enough. On the other hand, we’re all adults here and we (hopefully) all understand the concept of consent. When one of us is looking for friendship and the other is only interested in hooking up, nobody wins.

If we can use apps for romance, why not for friendship? We’re living in a world that is steadily becoming more and more digitized and if we can use technology to find our soulmates, why can’t we do the same to find friends? There’s an app for that, right? The social stigma around online dating has pretty much disappeared, but when I tell people I find friends online, I still get some funny looks.

Is Bumble For Friends Or Dating

The tech world is catching on. For a hot minute, Tinder launched a version of the app created for exactly this purpose. Unfortunately, the idea tanked, probably because as a hook-up app, it’s not particularly geared towards meaningful connections. Nevertheless, there are a bunch of other apps that are designed for exactly that market if, like me, you’re not opposed to finding cool people through the power of the internet.

“Sponsored: The best dating/relationships advice on the web. Check out Relationship Hero a site where highly trained relationship coaches get you, get your situation, and help you accomplish what you want. They help you through complicated and difficult love situations like deciphering mixed signals, getting over a breakup, or anything else you’re worried about. You immediately connect with an awesome gecoach o”n text or over the phone in minutes. Just click here…

Read more:

[peter-parcoeur]

“When you’re gone” - part 3

Post Thanos snap, Peter has to live in a world where Tony Stark is gone. But what happens when Tony’s daughter enters his life...?

Summary + Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Going back to school felt weird.

Though Peter always seemed to struggle to find a balance between his ordinary teenager life and being an Avenger, this time, the wake-up call was hitting harder. His body was definitely walking across the High-School Hall, but his head was somewhere else.

All around him were familiar faces, some looked obviously different after what they all called “the blip” but most of his school seemed back to normal, which was harder to digest as he felt like nothing would ever be the same now that his mentor was gone.

How could he live in a world without Tony Stark?

Luckily, his best-friend was there to show some support and bring random chit-chats back into his routine. Even MJ had given him a hug as she seemed genuinely happy to see him back, but when it should have been the most amazing, unexpected moment of his day, Peter had felt nothing but comfort from catching up with a friend. No tingles at the pit of his stomach, no burning red cheeks, not the usual stiffness down his abdomen. Nothing.

It was like a part of him had died too.

They were all sat in history class when Ned tapped him on the shoulder from behind, his voice filled with some unusual excitement.

“Wow mate, check out the new girl!”

Peter had to roll his eyes and smile at his friend’s typical enthusiasm over the opposite gender. Every time a remotely ‘hot’ girl walked by, Ned turned into a little kid on Christmas Day with a massive sugar rush.

His smile faded as soon as he locked eyes with the girl sitting at the back of the class.

“God” Ned moaned “I would gladly let her step on my face, who’s she?”

“That’s Y/N Stark.” Peter stated as she looked away as soon as their eyes met.

“What do you mean--- Stark? As in...?

-         As in Tony’s only daughter.”

Ned was left gobsmacked at this new revelation, quite oblivious to his friend’s sudden change of attitude. Peter looked like he had seen a ghost, writhing on his seat with complete nervousness. He could tell her anger was still running through her blood from the way she avoided his look, but for some obscure reason, he also felt relieved. Now that they had to spend an entire year in the same room, maybe they would get to talk at some point.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When the bell rang, Peter wisely waited for Y/N to exit the room before he made any move. It had been the longest hour of his entire school experience and he had been sat in chemistry before, listening to Mr. Wyatt spreading bullshits about things Peter himself could teach better.

“You should talk to her” Ned said after being quiet for longer than anyone would expect him.

“I’m not sure she wants me to…

-         When was the last time you spoke?

-         Her dad’s funeral?

-         Yeahhhh…. Ned winced, maybe not the perfect time to have a chat?

-         I know, but she seemed so upset

-         Dude, her father died, you think she’s gonna give you a lapdance?”

Peter rolled his eyes at Ned’s obvious answer. He couldn’t quite process how he felt about Y/N. Part of him wanted to avoid her at all costs to save himself the embarrassment, but mostly, he wanted to walk down the hallway as confident as possible and just… talk to her. There was this weird attraction between them that made it seems like, somehow, this reunion was meant to be.

“Alright, I’m gonna talk to her” Peter sighed as he caught a glimpse of Y/N grabbing a few books from her locker across the hallway.

His palms were sweaty as he tried his best to brush them to the sides of his pants, air caught in his throat like he was about to give an inspiring speech to a bored audience. Nobody had ever made him feel this way, not even his high-school crush, MJ.

“Hi, Y/N!”

Y/N turned around to see Peter standing there awkwardly, both his hands buried in his pockets.

For a second, it seems like she was about to speak, her eyes daunting him from head to toes. As he stood closer to her face, Peter realized just how much she looked like Tony. She had his eyes, his cocky expression but her slim nose and perky lips were definitely Pepper’s. Her long brown hair was tamed on a sid braid and her ankle boots made her seem taller than him, which was embarrassing enough if she had chosen not to talk to him.

But with the snap of her locker door, she simply turned her back and walked away, leaving him speechless and embarrassed once again.

“Well done, Don Juan!” MJ teased as she walked past him.

On the other side of the corridor, Peter saw Ned biting his lip so he wouldn’t laugh at his misery.

Things were going to be tougher than he had thought.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Economics was the worst.

Peter and Ned usually discussed any other topic that didn’t involve money and budget throughout the whole course, but today, Peter was just lost in his own daydream, looking out the window with his chin buried into his palm. It was a nice autumnal day, the kind that brought him back to better times where he and his Aunt would start decorating their apartment with Halloween/spooky stuff, their favorite time of the year. It was hard to think that life would go on after the blip but Peter was willing to be an optimistic. Happier days would come.

“Alright, today’s class will be sorely about your final assignment… I want you to pay close attention because this will be half of your grade for the exam.” Mr. Andersen spoke louder so the distracted students could hear.

At least half of the class moaned in complete despair. Mr. Andersen’s assignments were known as chaotic and frankly awful. This one was no exception.

“You will be working as a pair”

Ned smiled brightly at Peter, knowing they would definitely team-up, as usual.

At least it would make it less horrible to be working as a team.

“But don’t get too excited” Mr. Andersen added abruptly as he watched his students stare at each other, building up the usual team partners. “I have written half of the class’s names on papers. These papers I have folded and put in this box so the rest of you can draw”.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me” Ned burped out.

“Mr. Leeds, since you seem so pleased, we’ll start with you!”

Mr. Andersen walked closer to Ned and offered him a chance to pick a name inside the tiny white box he was holding. Ned reluctantly picked a piece of paper and pulled a worried face.

“Betty Brant…”

Sitting at the front of the class, Betty Brant looked over her shoulder and gave him an unenthusiastic thumbs up. At least, she was smart, but her good looks would definitely make it hard for Ned to focus on their homework. Shivers ran down his spine at the thought of having a girl in his bedroom, his temple, the architectural equivalent of a Jedi farting the Game of Thrones theme song, aka the shameful natural habitat of the biggest geek.

Things went on as everyone picked a team partner with more or less enthusiasm and soon enough, it was Y/N’s time to draw a name into the box.

She quite obviously hesitated before she composed herself and spoke.

“Mr. Andersen, is there any way I can switch partner?”

“Well, Ms. Stark, what would be the point if anyone just decided who they’d like to collaborate with? I’m sorry you didn’t pick your crush’s name but I’m afraid things are what it is. Now, would you be kind enough to share your designated partner?”

There was a silence before she spoke again, her hand fiddling with the piece of paper.

“Peter Parker”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Dude, what are the odds???” Ned squealed as he sat next to Peter at the cafeteria.

It was lunch time and the whole room was buzzing with chatty students and cutlery grazes.

“Yeah, wow, I’m the luckiest guy in the world, am I?” Peter mumbled, still baffled at the complete humiliation he had been given in front of the entire class. The second one that day.

“Now she has no other option than talk to you, think positive!”

“Amazing, it must be as pleasant as being held at gunpoint somehow, I mean… did you hear what she said?” he sighed “Mr. Andersen, can I switch partners?” Peter was mimicking her disgusted tone when Ned gave him the big eyes, nodding towards a point behind him.

“Brilliant, why wasting your time here when you could have a one-man show?” Y/N bluntly stated. Her arms were crossed against her chest, her eyes glued to his face like she was trying to read his soul for some reason.

“Shit, Y/N, I’m sorry I didn’t mean—it’s just—

-         Let’s spare us both this conversation, alright? It seems like we’ll have to do this assignment, so… your place or mine?”

Ned couldn’t help but chuckle at the ambiguous comment, but as Peter gave him the dead eye, it was definitely too late to take his nervous laughter back.

“What are you, 12?” Y/N pulled an unimpressed look, eyeballing Ned until he went slightly red. This time, it was Peter’s turn to contain his laugh. Her attitude and comebacks definitely reminded him of the great Tony Stark. In a weird way, it was comforting, like wrapping yourself into a warm blanket in a cold morning. She irradiated with that famous Spark Confidence.

“Whatever suits you best” Peter finally said after what seemed like an eternity of quietness.

“What suits me best is to not be doing this with you but it seems like this isn’t an option, so…”

“Okay, my place then? Peter blurted out all of a sudden

-         What time?

-         Six thirty

-         Good” she turned to Ned “You got a pen?”

Ned fiddled with his backpack and handed her a black ballpoint pen.

“Text me your address” she simply said, writing down her number on a napkin.

She walked away without further word, leaving both Ned and Peter speechless for a while. Peter watched her sit at a table with a bunch of fellow classmates and for a minute, it felt like his brain had stopped to frame-freeze the scene in front of him. Everyone around her seemed captivated, whatever she was talking about. She had inherited that charisma from her father, that ability to catch everyone’s attention in the blink of an eye.

As he stared at her for a couple more minutes, Peter realized this weird, tingly feeling was back at the pit of his stomach.

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@eternaleviee

[cherryeol04]

The Firsts

Summary: No one ever told him that living was going to be so difficult. That there would emotions get couldn’t label and distinguish. He’s just a young boy trying to navigate through life and its unexpected ups and downs.

Genre: Humor, Fluff, smut(?)

Pairings: Oc x Felix, Oc x Changbin, Changbin x Oc x Felix

Warnings: poly relationship, angst in some part, excessive fighting about the MCU.

Parts: Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9 / Part 10 / Part 11 / Part 12 / Part 13 / Part 14 / Part 15 / Part 16 / Part 17

A/N: This story has a theme of Firsts. First love, first kiss and many other firsts. Each part can be read on their own and are meant to stand as oneshots. It’s basically a collection of oneshots (little snapshots into my Oc’s life. 😁)

“Thor.”

“Loki.”

“Thor!”

“Loki!”

“Neither!” Seungmin and Minho stopped dead in their tracks as they stared at Aiden with narrowed eyes. He hadn’t really wanted to get in between their little quarrel over which brother was hotter, Thor or Loki, but it had been going on for the past four hours and Aiden was actually tired of it.

“Excuse you?” Minho asked with a raised brow. “Have you even watched Thor?” He asked. 

“No.”

“Do you even Marvel?” Seungmin asked and Aiden shook his head. “Then you can’t contribute to this conversation!!!” He exclaimed, cheeks puffing out in frustration. 

“Oh, well excuse me!” Aiden held up his hands in defense and slipped between the two, walking ahead of them. There was silence for a brief moment before the two boys were back at their argument, trailing behind Aiden as they made their way up the long driveway.  Bang Chan was a friend of Changbin’s and extremely popular, or so Aiden had heard. His family was originally from Australia, but they moved when his father got a chance to expand their business in the Korean market - he was known as a self-made millionaire which of course made Chan a hit with all the people that wanted his family’s money. 

He was a sweet guy, if not a bit reserved and wary of people. But he has hit it off with Changbin one day during chemistry and the rest was history - though it had only been a couple of months. Chan has offered to host study sessions at his place and who were they to refuse such a generous offer? Their first visit, Aiden had expected to see a mansion but was greeted with a modest house. Decent size and you could tell that the place was pricey, but it didn’t scream wealth which had surprised Aiden but at the same time was a blessing. It put Chan in a different light for him - though rich, he was still a normal person and his family tried to live modestly.  True role model. 

Knocking on the door, it was opened in less than a minute to a bright-eyed and smiling Chan. “Hey guys.”

“He-“

“Channie hyung! Thor or Loki?” Minho asked as he pushed Aiden lightly, the male stumbling to the house.

“Whoa.” Chan wrapped his arms around Aiden quickly to catch him before he went tumbling down, eyes looking back at the other two. “Loki.” He said. 

“Ha! See, I told you!” Seungmin cheered happily, Minho simply rolling his eyes and scoffing. 

“Uncultured swine.” He snorted and made his way into the house - as if he owned the place - with a shake of the head. “Thor is the better of the two brothers and you can’t change my mind.” He huffed. 

“How can you say that when Loki is literally the best at everything?” Seungmin questioned as he followed quickly behind Minho, their voices fading as they disappeared around the left corner and into the study. 

“Uh...” Chan stared at Aiden in confusion as he stood upright and brushed himself off. 

“They’ve been going at it since the 5th period.” Aiden told him, flashing him a smile. “They won’t shut up and told me I couldn’t contribute to the conversation because I haven’t seen Thor.”

“You haven’t seen Thor?” Chan asked, his eyes wide, trailing after Aiden as he walked in.  Closing the door, Chan followed up his previous question with another. “Have you watched any of the Marvel movies?”

Aiden was silent for a moment, staring at Chan as he debated if he should answer truthfully or not. He could probably lie and get away with it, for now. But if the talk of Marvel movies and Thor continued, his lie would be seen so quickly. It was probably just best to say the through, despite how embarrassing it really was. “No, I haven’t.

He winced at the gasp Chan gave, loud and overdramatic and he knew he had made a grave mistake with this answer. “Oh my god!” Chan turned quickly, feet shuffling as he made his way into the den. “Aiden hasn’t seen any of the Marvel movies!” Chan’s voice was nearly drowned out by the loud gasps that fell from the other’s lips, complaints filling the air to the point Aiden wanted to just leave and pretend this didn’t happen. But he knew if he did run away, he really wouldn’t live this down. 

Reluctantly, he moved into the study and stared at his ‘friends’ as they all sat around a decent-sized coffee table - books and papers laid out for their intense study session that has yet to start. 

“I can’t believe you!” Seungmin scolded with a shake of his head. 

“How have you lived this long and not watched a Marvel film?” Woojin, Chan’s friend, asked concerned. 

“We bonded over Spider-Man dude. Spider-Man! I thought I knew you.” Changbin tsked, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“First of all, we were eight!” Aiden huffed and glared at Changbin, arms crossing in a mimic of the other’s posture. “Second of all, I’ve just been busy.”

“No one is too busy to watch a Marvel Movie. There is literally an entire cinematic universe.” Minho scoffed, disgusted by this horrid betrayal of his friend. 

“I have things to do!”

“Like what? Whine about how much you want to fuck Felix?” The words were said so nonchalantly that Aiden had to wonder if Changbin’s brain had been working when he so easily spilled his greatest secret. “I mean-“

“Whoa! Where did that come from?” Chan asked with wide eyes, head whipping back and forth between Felix, Changbin, and Aiden. 

“I don’t know. Changbin be out here making up stories so he can be so melodramatic.” Aiden hissed, eyes narrowed at the male and he could see Changbin shrinking in on himself, trying to apologize with his eyes. Aiden would only consider the apology if he could get out of this situation without anyone actually thinking he wanted to screw around with Felix. 

“I don’t date anyone who hasn’t seen at least Iron Man.” Felix said, a smirk playing on his lips as he joked. 

“Well damn, looks like you struck out buddy.” Chan laughed and clapped a hand over Aiden’s shoulder. “Aiden hasn’t seen a single Marvel movie.”

“Wow, you truly do love under a rock, don’t you?” Minho asked in awe. 

“Listen, Linda, can we dropped this stupid subject and actually study?” Aiden whined. 

“Marvel isn’t stupid. Marvel is life!” Seungmin protested and Aiden could only roll his eyes as he took his seat next to Changbin. “You don’t know what you’re missing.”

“At this moment in time, I don’t care.” Aiden stuck out his tongue at Seungmin, snickering with the other pouted. 

“Alright children, let's get down to business.” Woojin spoke, arms extending across the table to signify the end of this discussion. 

“Fine. But this isn’t over. Thor is superior and you all will see this, I swear to you.” Minho huffed as he flipped open his book to start working.  Felix was glad the topic had been dropped and everyone settled into a comfortable silence. It gave him time to think about things that had been said - words so haphazardly thrown about with no regard to the people involved. And what was Felix supposed to say? ‘Right on, let's find a bed and get down to business?’

How was someone supposed to act to such a crude confession as that? He wasn’t appalled by it - he knew that much - but it also wasn’t a favorable confession considering it came from Changbin. But Aiden did deny it, claimed it was made up but it was too specific to be a lie.  Changbin wasn’t that good at making up stories; his C+ literature project proved that much. So he laughed it off, continuing the joke of blasphemy about Aiden never seeing a Marvel movie. But he was aware now, so extremely aware. Every few seconds Aiden would lift his eyes to sneak a glance at him, Felix catching the movement out of his peripheral. 

He was a peculiar person, Aiden. The times that they had interacted alone, he seemed so shy and uncertain. Yet when with Changbin, his personality was alimony bigger than life and on countless times pulled laughter from him over something idiotic he had said or done. There was something about him that interested Felix in some way, but was it in the way that Aiden wanted? To suddenly have feelings forced upon you was inducing anxiety-inducing and suddenly he was feeling and questioning things he had never questioned before. 

‘Would it be worth it? Was he worth Aiden’s time? Would it work out? Did he even have feelings for Aiden in return?’ 

None of those questions were getting answered and they were burning the back of his mind, demanding some closure. The offer slipped out before he could even stop himself, lingering heavily in the quiet room. “You could always come over to my place and we could watch the movies.”

Aiden’s head lifted and their eyes locked. Everyone in the room stilled and Felix could swear they were all holding their breaths, waiting to see how this would play out. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t in the same position. 

“Really?”

“Yeah. I own all the movies, including Infinity War. We could have a movie marathon this weekend.” It was an innocent offer and yet Felix felt so guilty because there was so much meaning behind it, to him. A spur of the moment thing that would satisfy his need for answers. He just hoped he didn’t up hurting Aiden in the process. 

“Okay, sounds like a plan!” 

Well, that was easier than he thought. 

“Ooooh, sounds like a date~.” Minho teased, a smirk plastered on his face. “Felix and Aiden sitting in a tree -“ 

“F - U - C - K - I - N - G.” Seungmin continued, a matching smirk etched across his features as well. 

“I hate you both so much.” Aiden grumbled, the two boys giggling in happiness at Aiden’s discomfort. 

“It’s not a date.” Felix said quickly as he looked around the table. He wasn’t oblivious to the way Aiden’s face fell at his words and he quickly tried to back peddle his statement. “I mean-“

“Poor Aiden. Forever the unconfirmed gay virgin.” Changbin teased, laughing as he was punched in the arm. “Someday you’ll get some action.”

“I truly hate all of you.”

[vexedtonightmares]

last dance (elu ballet au) chapter onze

Lucas is in his final year at the Paris Opera Ballet School and he’ll be damned if he lets his former friend-turned-rival Eliott steal the lead role in their production of Swan Lake.

aka- lucas and eliott are rivals who are forced to room together for their final year of ballet school before they try to enter the company. we can all see where this is going.  

i. ii. iii. iv. v. vi. vii. viii. ix. x. xi.

ao3

**tw: eating disorders**

Dimanche 12:24

It was exam day. Why exam day fell on one of their two days off was beyond Lucas, but it was still exam day. What they all did on exam day every year was book a studio for the entire day and work together so they all passed with flying colors. Maybe it was technically ‘cheating’, but none of them were too worried about their general education requirements other than the bare minimum of passing them. 

All the students in their final year were sitting in a big circle, and Eliott was right across from him between Sofiane and Daphné. Lucas was seated with Imane on his right and Arthur on his left. He’d been surprised when Imane plopped down beside him, but he was grateful she had. They were the best at science out of the group, so they figured out the answers to that exam together while the others worked on different subjects. 

“Lucas, are you serious? The answer to number seventeen is D, not A,” Imane scoffed, looking at his work. Lucas squinted back down at the question, then the answers, realizing she was right. 

“I can’t fucking think straight right now,” he groaned, pressing the heels of his palms to his temples and inadvertently meeting Eliott’s bemused gaze. Can you ever, Lu? His eyes seemed to ask. No, but that was beside the point. His brain power felt like it was running closer to zero than one hundred, which was just great. “Sorry,” he added, erasing the answer on his paper and rewriting the correct one.

Her voice was low when she spoke to him again so no one else could hear. “Are you ok Lucas? You don’t look great. We break for lunch in about a half hour, but I can make up some excuse if you need food now.”

“No,” he said hastily. She narrowed her eyes and he cursed himself for responding too quickly. “I’m just tired, didn’t sleep well last night. Don’t worry about it.”

He could tell she didn’t believe him, but he was saved from more questions by Arthur, who tapped his shoulder. When Lucas turned to face him, Arthur was red in the face. “You, um, you got a text,” Arthur said, nodding to Lucas’ phone, face up on the floor beside them. 

Lucas wasn’t sure why Arthur was acting so weird about it, so he just nodded in acknowledgement and picked up his phone, eyes widening as he saw the notification. Apparently, Eliott had changed his contact name at some point. At least Arthur’s reaction made more sense.

MY BOYFRIEND 💘✨😍🦝💯🤪: hey, u good?

Glaring at Eliott would have been too obvious, so he closed his phone without responding, rolling his eyes before returning his attention to Arthur.

“Um, that’s Mika,” Lucas lied, like it should have been obvious. 

“Oh,” Arthur said, then furrowed his eyebrows, “You’re dating Mika?”

Unfortunately, Arthur’s voice carried. Yann turned to join their conversation, eyes wide. “You’re dating someone Lulu?”

“Mika?” Imane asked incredulously at his side. 

“What about who?” Manon asked from beside Daphné. 

“Nothing,” Lucas answered at the same time Yann said, “Apparently Lucas has a boyfriend.”

“What?” Emma and Daphné gasped at the same time.

Lucas grimaced and risked a peek at Eliott through squinted eyes. Unsurprisingly, Eliott looked like he was holding back a laugh, despite being the reason Lucas was in this situation in the first place. Everyone was looking at him with rapt attention, and he sighed heavily before pulling an explanation out of his ass. 

“Yes, it’s Mika, no, Mika is not my boyfriend. He saved his name on my phone as boyfriend because the last time we went out some creepy guy was hitting on me so he left and called me so the contact would show up on my phone and the guy would leave me alone. I just forgot to change it back, sue me,” Lucas explained, acting like it was the most normal thing in the world. He saw Eliott bite his lip as further restraint to keep from laughing though Lucas remained unamused. 

“Oh,” Daphné said sadly, “How amazing would it have been if you had some hot secret boyfriend!”

Manon nudged Daphné in the side, shaking her head dubiously. Daphné furrowed her brows, clearly not understanding why Manon had cut her off. “What? I love love, I want my friends to find love.”

Arthur laughed and wiggled his eyebrows in Lucas’ direction. “If Mika gets to be your boyfriend do I get to change my name to ‘future husband’?” he asked with a laugh. 

Lucas couldn’t help but crack a smile as well, patting Arthur’s shoulder sympathetically. “In your dreams Tuturo.” There was only one person in that room Lucas planned on marrying, and it wasn’t Arthur, despite drunken promises that had been made. Well, drunken on Arthur’s end, at least. 

Manon was squinting her eyes at Lucas again, like she was trying to read something on his face so he schooled his features back into neutrality, hoping she wouldn’t text Mika to fact check. 

Eliott, however, was raising his eyebrows at Lucas. He nodded down to his phone, and Lucas sat back from the circle a bit to see what else Eliott had sent.

MY BOYFRIEND 💘✨😍🦝💯🤪: future husband? do i have to fight arthur?

MY BOYFRIEND 💘✨😍🦝💯🤪: i don’t want to fight him i like him :(

Lucas: Hilarious

Lucas: We made a marriage pact when he was drunk, but don’t worry, it only holds up if we’re both single at 30

Lucas: Which I don’t plan on 

MY BOYFRIEND 💘✨😍🦝💯🤪: oh, no? got anyone in mind?

Lucas: There’s this one guy, but he’s really bad at math, so… 

MY BOYFRIEND 💘✨😍🦝💯🤪: fuck i love you  

“What did Mika have to say?” Manon asked, drawing Lucas back into the conversation. He was sure his face was bright red and he didn’t know how successful he’d been at maintaining a straight face while he texted Eliott. Probably not too successful, if he had to guess.

“He wanted me to approve his outfit for a date he has tonight,” Lucas said with an eyeroll. 

Manon didn’t look convinced. “On a Sunday?”

“I guess,” Lucas said with a shrug, hoping she wouldn’t ask for more details. She still looked skeptical, but she let the subject drop as Lucas scooted back into the circle, turning his phone on do not disturb mode just in case.

The rest of the exam day passed without incident, but Lucas saw Eliott watching him nearly the entire time, completely unsubtly. Thankfully, everyone was too focused on passing their exams to notice. 

Manon pulled Lucas to the side as they finished up, waiting until everyone left. Eliott shot a glance Lucas’ way that Manon missed, furrowing his eyebrows slightly. Lucas shrugged nearly imperceptibly, trying to communicate with his eyes that he would be back to the room later. A small part of his brain told him that if he was gone long enough he could tell Eliott he’d eaten dinner with Manon and he wouldn’t question it. 

Once the room was empty Manon raised one eyebrow, leveling him with a glare. He scrunched his nose and looked around the room for an answer to her unasked questions. “What?” he asked defensively. 

“You know what,” she said, crossing her arms. 

“No, I really don’t.”

She sighed deeply, like he was being dumb on purpose. “Mika didn’t text you.”

“Yes, he did,” Lucas argued. 

“No, he didn’t.”

Lucas narrowed his eyes. “And how would you know that, huh? Mika and I have inside jokes that don’t involve you.”

“Lucas, you can tell me you know.” She had a slightly hurt expression on her voice and Lucas wondered if she really had figured out his relationship with Eliott. It was weird, though, that she hadn’t said anything to Eliott about it. They spent all day in rehearsals together, had booked plenty of extra studio time together, there was plenty of opportunity to talk about it.

“Tell you what?” he asked hesitantly. 

“About your real boyfriend.” He didn’t say anything to that, allowing her to continue before he said anything to confirm or deny her suspicions. “I mean, I get why you’d hide it, it’s just a bit obvious.”

“Manon—” he began with a sigh, resigning himself to the fact that she was just always a step ahead, but she cut him off. 

“I’m happy you’re with him, though. I’ve always thought you two had a lot of chemistry,” she admitted. 

“Really?” he asked incredulously. As far as he was aware, she had always been pretty accepting of the fact that he’d hated Eliott, especially given everything he’d shared with her about his life over the summer. 

“Yeah…” she said slowly, “I mean, you don’t think so?”

“I’m still not confirming or denying anything,” he said with a shrug. He hadn’t forgotten that she still hadn’t told him about her and Daphné. 

She mimicked his shrug, feigning nonchalance. “Fine, I’ll just ask Arthur then.”

Now he was even more confused. Did Arthur know too? He supposed it was possible, but he was sure Arthur would have said something to him by now. “Why would you ask Arthur?”

“Because he’ll tell me if you’re dating or not,” she said simply. 

“Why would he know?” Lucas asked. 

“Why… wouldn’t he know?” Manon was looking at Lucas like he had either grown a third head or was talking utter nonsense. “I’m pretty sure Arthur would know that he’s dating you.”

Oh. Oh. 

Well, this was an interesting turn of events. On the upside, Manon didn’t actually know shit, but on the downside, he’d basically admitted he was dating someone, and if it wasn’t Arthur she would have to make another guess. He couldn’t just go on having her think he was dating Arthur, though. “Manon, I’m not dating Arthur,” he said. 

“Lucas, please—” she began, but he cut her off.

“I swear, Manon, I am not and do not plan on dating Arthur. The whole ‘future husband’ thing was an inside joke,” he explained. 

She shook her head in confusion. “Wait, then who are you dating?”

“I told you, Mika texted me, his name was saved as that because of an experience we had when we were out together once.” He may as well try to lie about it. 

“Lucas.”

“Manon.”

“I’ll tell you something in exchange,” she tried, even though he already knew her secret. 

“But I have nothing to exchange,” he pointed out, “I’m not dating anyone.”

“Lucas.”

He did sort of want to tell her, but he didn’t want to hear anything about how he’d hated Eliott for so long. All of that was in the past for him, but he knew it would be hard for Manon to be happy for him when she was the only one who really knew why he’d broken ties with Eliott in the first place. He switched tactics, trying to catch her off guard. “Are you dating someone? A certain mystery someone? Is that why you’re so interested?”

She blinked rapidly, face going red, and even though Lucas already knew that she and Daphné were together, he couldn’t help but grin in surprise at the fact she couldn’t conceal her feelings from her face. He laughed in disbelief. “I can’t believe it. You so are. Did you take my miraculous advice?”

“Maybe.” She looked down at the floor but Lucas saw a hint of a smile on her face. 

“And…”

“And?”

He rolled his eyes. “And, I was right, wasn’t I? You confessed your love and threw yourselves into each other’s arms?”

“Shut up,” she said with a grin, swatting his arm. 

“I’m serious!” he giggled as he leaned away to avoid another slap. “Is it Charles?”

He didn’t know why he asked about Charles, especially when he knew it was definitely not Charles, but everyone deserved to have their coming out moment, if she even wanted to do so, and he didn’t want to insinuate anything before she was ready. 

“No, it’s not Charles,” she said quietly. He nodded for her to continue. She did, a bit hesitantly, “It’s not a boy.”

Lucas couldn’t help the grin that split across his face as he pulled Manon into a hug. She squeezed him back after a moment head resting on his shoulder gently. “Welcome to the club,” he said lightly, pulling back from the hug and checking her face to make sure she wasn’t freaking out. He wouldn’t have blamed her if she was, he’d almost combusted when he officially came out to Yann. 

She smiled weakly, taking a breath. “Lucas, it’s… it’s Daphné.”

He pretended to be surprised and hoped Manon wouldn’t see right through him. “That’s amazing, Manon, really. I’m happy for you both.”

“Thanks.” Her smile was more genuine now, and she looked a bit more at ease. “God, I’ve wanted to tell you so bad I could just never find the right time…”

“Hey, no worries. These things take time,” he assured her, voice whispering in the back of his head that he should just say something about Eliott already, especially if she’d trusted him enough to divulge this secret. Was it a secret? “Is it a secret, though? Should I pretend I don’t know?”

She shook her head. “No, I told Daph I’d tell you, but we want to keep it pretty low key until Swan Lake is over so no one makes a big fuss about it.”

Sometimes he and Manon thought so much alike it scared him. It also made him feel even more guilty he was lying to her about not being in a relationship. He nodded understandingly, but not too understandingly. “My lips are sealed.”

“It’s been so hard not saying anything to anyone, you know? Like, I feel like my heart has grown three times the size it used to be but no one else has noticed,” she said emphatically, and Lucas knew exactly what she meant. His heart felt the same way.

“The only hard thing,” she continued, “Is that we both want to dance for the rest of our lives, we’ve always known that.”

“Why is that the hard part?” he asked. 

“Because, what if we end up in different companies? I know it's too early to say so, but I want her by my side forever, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to be the dancer I know I am without her with me,” Manon emphasized, voice slightly pained. 

Lucas put his hands on either one of her shoulders. “First of all, I feel like when you know, you know. I don’t think it’s too early, especially when you’ve known each other for ten years. That aside, if you guys really are forever, a little distance won’t be the end of you. Plus there’s a great opportunity you’ll both make it into the same company after graduation, especially if you go to the same city.”

“Who are you?” Manon asked.

Lucas rolled his eyes again. “Man, I’m serious.”

“I am too, why are you giving me rational advice? No offense, but you’ve never been my go to advice giver, especially when you’re so shit at taking it yourself, grudge boy.” She raised her eyebrows at him, and he blushed.

“Grudge boy, that’s a new one,” he said.

She placed her hands on top of his. “I’m not saying you don’t have a reason to hold a grudge, I’m just saying maybe you should take some of your own advice and live and let live. Even if you refuse to tell me about it, I can tell that someone has a hold on your heart. Pretend all you want, but you forget that we share a soul, and that I feel everything you feel just like you feel everything I do.”

It was really annoying how perceptive she was. “You can keep it to yourself for now, but you deserve to be happy. As long as he’s making you happy, I guess I can’t complain,” she added, “Also, I still have my money on Arthur.”

“I’m not dating Arthur,” he said fruitlessly, earning him a sly grin. She probably still didn’t believe him, but at least he didn’t feel as guilty now. If she went on thinking he and Arthur had a secret relationship, that was on her. 

It hit them both that they’d been talking much longer than anticipated, and Lucas knew Eliott was probably wondering where the hell he was. Plus, he was tired as hell after taking exams all day. 

Lucas made obnoxious kissing faces when he dropped Manon off in her room, which he could tell she was only pretending to be annoyed by. The love emanating off her was too strong for her to actually have been mad. He wondered if his own love was as apparent, even in small ways. One part of him hoped it was, another part hoped it wasn’t.         

Lundi 2:17

Another night, another couple hours lying awake against his will. He hadn’t dwelled too much on his middle of the night thoughts during the hours he was supposed to be awake, but every time he laid down in bed for the night they came creeping back, interrupting the peace he found in Eliott’s arms. 

“You’d tell me if anything was wrong, right?” Eliott’s voice ghosted on his back as Lucas laid tangled in his arms and legs. He startled slightly, he’d thought Eliott was already asleep. 

Lucas didn’t know where the question came from, but he lied swiftly. “Of course.”

Part of him felt bad for lying, especially when he could tell Eliott cared so much about him, but he didn’t want to deal with the things he was feeling, at least not verbally or at two in the morning. He didn’t want to be a burden on Eliott, a broken mess Eliott had to continually pick up the pieces to. 

“I love you, Lu, more than you know.” Eliott’s voice came in a murmur, and Lucas wondered if maybe he was asleep after all, or halfway there. His heart burned at the words, burned of his own love mixed with his feelings of unworthiness that only came out at night. 

The best thing to do, the only thing to do was to shove everything to the back of his mind, ignore it all, and respond from the depths of his heart and soul. “I love you more than the moon loves the sun, Eliott Demaury, don’t you ever forget it.”

Eliott never responded, breathing slow and steady, which was just as well. Lucas even found himself drifting off into oblivion as well, the tundra inside his brain finally slowing down enough for him to take a real breath and remember that what Eliott said was true. He was loved in a way he’d never been loved before, and he should be taking advantage of that instead of running through all the things that could, and invariably would, go wrong.

Mercredi 12:57

Being in love was really annoying. He couldn’t keep losing his breath every time he caught sight of Eliott, it was getting ridiculous at this point. Although, in his defense, he did have a reason to lose his ability to speak or form a coherent thought at that moment. 

Eliott had texted him to meet outside the school at 13h, and to wear something nice. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that meant Eliott was planning a date, but Lucas found himself giddy and nervous nonetheless. It was the first date they’d been on, and the first real one Lucas had ever been on, now that he thought about it. They had Wednesday rehearsals cancelled because the director was out for the day, and Eliott clearly intended to take advantage of a day free of worrying about classes.

Lucas didn’t really know what ‘dress nice’ entailed, so he put on a pair of jeans and a blue denim shirt with a white shirt underneath. He didn’t have a suit, or anything, so this would have to do, given that most of his clothes were made for working out. 

Eliott, though, clearly knew what ‘dress nice’ meant. Because holy fuck. He had a green short sleeved turtleneck on that should not have made Lucas feel the way he did, but he couldn’t control the visceral reaction he’d had when he walked outside and caught sight first of Eliott’s fluffy hair, then the clothes hugging his figure. 

“Hi,” Eliott said, shoving his hands in his pockets as Lucas approached. 

“H-hey,” Lucas stammered, still at a loss for words. “I feel a little underdressed.”

Eliott looked him up and down, scrunching his eyebrows. “Are you serious? If we didn’t already have plans I’d already be tearing those clothes off you.”

“Eliott!” Lucas giggled, scandalized. 

Eliott laughed softly before calling him out. “Oh, please, like you weren’t thinking along the same lines?”

“Not that I was, but…” Lucas trailed off, forgetting what he was going to say when Eliott smiled at him so earnestly he thought he might melt on the spot. He blinked a few times to regain his composure. “Anyway, where are we going?”

Eliott shrugged, walking away backwards so Lucas would know to follow him. “Anywhere and everywhere,” he said when Lucas caught up to him. Anywhere and everywhere. Yeah, Lucas could get behind that. 

It was thrilling, to walk around together in plain sight, no one even glancing at them twice thinking, hey, Lucas, don’t you hate Eliott? Because he didn’t hate Eliott, and he didn’t have to here. 

When Eliott reached for his hand, Lucas grabbed it readily, beaming ear to ear. Eliott’s thumb rubbed circles on the back of his hand idly, and every touch made his heart stop beating just a little bit. 

When they ended up in front of the Louvre, Lucas looked at Eliott in amusement. Could they be any more cliche? 

“We’re tourists for the day,” Eliott explained, “Besides, when’s the last time you’ve been here, appreciated the art for real?”

It had been years, Lucas realized. He’d never cared much for museums, much less art museums, but the look in Eliott’s eyes changed his mind. He knew Eliott was passionate about art, especially dance, but from the minute they entered the museum it was like Eliott was an entirely new person. 

He pointed out and explained all of his favorite pieces in painstaking detail, and Lucas found himself hanging on to every single word. Sure, he didn’t care much about old art hanging on the walls of some buildings, but Eliott made him care. He made him realize that it was more than just a painting or sculpture, it was a way of living, of seeing, of expressing oneself in a way that was completely unique. 

“How we feel when we dance, that’s how da Vinci felt when he was painting the Mona Lisa. It’s incredible, the things that people can do, the feelings they can convey with a single paint stroke. I wish I could do that, have that impact,” Eliott said breathlessly as they ran through the museum, ignoring all the security guards disapproving stares.

You can, Lucas thought, but he didn’t say so. Maybe he should have, but he didn’t think Eliott would hear it at the moment. It was ok, though, to take a moment to be inspired, let that inspiration fuel the times to come. Of course Lucas knew that every step Eliott took was impactful in the same way the Venus de Milo was, but it was ok for him to keep that to himself for the moment and let Eliott soak in all this work that clearly meant so much to him. 

“Promise me we’ll go to New York some day,” Eliott said, staring up at the ceiling in awe. 

“Why?” Lucas asked, looking at Eliott instead of the art. He would argue that what he was looking at was more beautiful than any piece on display. 

“Van Gogh’s Starry Night is in New York, at the Museum of Modern Art. It’s my favorite painting of all time,” Eliott explained. 

Lucas scrunched up his nose and giggled. “Isn’t that a little cliché? Everyone’s favorite is the Starry Night.”

“That doesn’t make it any less beautiful.”

Well, that was true, Lucas supposed. “What’s the one of that weird dude yelling with all the orange in the background?” he asked. 

“The Scream?” Eliott clarified with a raised eyebrow. 

“Yeah, that one’s my favorite. Is that in New York too?” Admittedly, it was the only famous painting Lucas knew, other than the Mona Lisa and Starry Night. It was his favorite of the three, though. He felt an affinity for the screaming dude, sometimes he wanted nothing more than to just yell his problems into the void and have no one judge him for it. 

“No,” Eliott said, “The Scream is in Oslo. I don’t mind, though, we can go there too. I’ve always felt weirdly connected to Norway, for some reason. Maybe it’s your parallel universe theory, the original versions of us came from Norway or something.”

Lucas smiled and nudged Eliott lightly. “It’s not my parallel universe theory, it’s a very popular concept.”

“And here I thought my boyfriend was a genius,” Eliott gasped with false shock. 

“Hey, I am a genius,” Lucas shot back, taking both of Eliott’s hands and looking up at him with his head cocked to one side. 

Eliott considered him carefully, stepping closer as Lucas stepped behind himself until his back was pressed against the wall. “Mmm, no,” Eliott said slowly, softly, “You, my love, are a masterpiece.”

Lucas may have commented on the term of endearment if he wasn’t so entranced by Eliott’s eyes, searing with desire. Their hands were still connected, and Eliott pressed them against the wall lightly. “What are you doing?” Lucas asked with a tone of false innocence. Or maybe he didn’t. It was hard to tell when Eliott was still looking at him like that.

“Pinning the artwork to the wall,” Eliott said matter-of-factly, closing the short distance between the two of them, not a moment too soon. Lucas’ brain didn’t even have time to register how utterly ridiculous the words Eliott had just said were, it was too busy honing in on all the details of how Eliott was kissing him. 

He kissed back just as hungrily, rising up on relevé and clenching Eliott’s hands a little bit tighter. Eliott peppered kisses to his collarbone and Lucas tipped his head back, breathing heavily, opening his eyes a fraction only to remember where they were. Shit. 

“Eliott… Eliott…” his words came in gasps and, to his embarrassment, it sounded more like words spoken in passion than the fact that he was actually trying to get Eliott’s attention. That security guard looked like he might have been setting his sights on them. 

“Eliott,” he hissed, more sharply this time, and Eliott finally blinked up at him, lips puffy and so irresistible looking that it took all of Lucas’ self control not to lunge back into a kiss. “Security guard,” he said under his breath, and Eliott turned to look where Lucas was looking. 

“Shit,” Eliott murmured, realizing the guard was coming closer. They straightened out their clothes and separated from one another, trying to look and act casually. Maybe he wouldn’t say anything if they pretended nothing had happened. 

Then again, was luck ever on their side? “Excuse me,” the guard said, and Lucas looked at him with wide, innocent eyes. “This is a highly revered institution, if you’re going to disrespect the property I’ll have to ask you to leave.”

“We meant no disrespect,” Eliott said hurriedly, corner of his mouth quirking up, “But can you blame me? He’s more beautiful than all the art here.”

To his credit, the guard looked amused as he gestured to the exit. “I think it would be best for the patrons of the museum if you two took this elsewhere.”

“Buzzkill,” Eliott sighed as Lucas led him toward the exit by the hand, throwing an apologetic glance over his shoulder. Once they were outside Lucas put his face in his hands, cheeks burning. Never in his life would he have considered that he might be kicked out of a museum for making out with his boyfriend in the middle of the gallery. At least the room they were in had been mostly empty. 

“Where to next, Romeo,” Lucas said once he’d squeezed every bit of embarrassment out of himself, knowing this interaction would probably jolt him awake ten years in the future, remembering the look on the guard’s face and cringing internally. 

Eliott merely raised his eyebrows and slung an arm around Lucas’ shoulders. It fit there perfectly, but what else was new. “I wasn’t expecting to get kicked out of the Louvre, so I guess you’ll have to bear with me while I make up for lost time.”

Lucas smiled, leaning his head on Eliott’s shoulder. He could do that. 

Mercredi 18:33

They ended up doing the most touristy things Eliott could dream of, including going to Notre Dame, walking along the Seine, standing underneath the Arc de Triomphe, where Eliott took an absurd amount of pictures of him, and intentionally getting scammed by people selling poor quality berets on the streets. Being a tourist in his own city went against every principle Lucas had ever set for how to act in public, but he found that this was the greatest day he’d had in a long time. Lucas was even still wearing his shitty beret.

Now, Eliott was standing beside Lucas at the top of the Eiffel Tower, the last stop on their great Parisian adventure, and Lucas couldn’t even find it in himself to roll his eyes at the cheesiness of the gesture. Maybe it was a bit more romantic than he gave it credit for. Then again, Eliott could have pushed him into the Seine and Lucas would have thought it was the most romantic date ever. He giggled to himself at an idea that slipped into his mind, catching Eliott’s attention. 

“What’s so funny?” Eliott asked, looking at him with a glint in his eye. 

“Nothing, nothing,” Lucas giggled again, “I was just thinking, if we get married, we should do it on the bank of the Seine.”

Eliott looked surprised, and Lucas blushed to himself. What was he doing, talking about marriage when they were seventeen? Sure, they’d joked about it a few times, but it felt different after the whole day they’d spent together. “Ok. May I ask why?” Eliott asked.

Lucas bit his lip, hardly containing his grin. “So I can push you in at the end, for old times sake.”

Eliott huffed out a small laugh, closing his eyes as his smile split his face. “Only if I can pull you in after,” he negotiated. 

“Duh.” Lucas glanced at Eliott once more out of the corner of his eye before turning his gaze to the sunset in front of him. He didn’t usually care much for natural beauty, finding beauty in movement and sound and in the walls of a dance studio, but there was something particularly special about that sunset, almost like it had been crafted just for them. 

“Excuse me,” Eliott said, and Lucas turned his head again only to realize Eliott wasn’t talking to him. He said a few words to a woman behind him, handing her his phone and returning to join Lucas. 

“I asked her to take a picture of us,” Eliott explained, “Is that ok?”

“Of course,” Lucas responded, turning to the camera. Eliott pulled him back to face him. 

He fidgeted and cast his gaze downward. “Actually, I was hoping we could like, kiss, or whatever? It’s cheesy, I know, but…”

“Shut up,” Lucas said with a smile, pulling Eliott down to him. They probably kissed longer than the photo required, but the woman taking the picture didn’t seem to mind, telling them that they were a beautiful couple and she wished them the best. Eliott pulled up the picture when she was gone, and Lucas knew that, from his face, it was perfect. 

All you could see was their silhouettes, lit from behind by a mix of orange, yellow, pink, purple, and blue light. It was obvious that they were kissing, obvious how much they loved each other, even in the darkness of the figures. It was Lucas’ favorite picture in the whole world. 

Jeudi 20:41

It had been difficult to return to the real world after their day of false tourism. Lucas let himself believe that he’d entered one of his parallel selves for the day, a Lucas who knew nothing of Paris, or ballet, and had wanted to experience it all for the first time. 

He kept checking his phone to look at the photo of them at the Eiffel Tower as the sun set over the city just to make sure he hadn’t imagined the whole thing. He was nearly certain he hadn’t paid much attention during rehearsals, but he couldn’t help it when he’d just had the best day of his life. How did one come back down to earth after getting a taste of heaven? 

Eliott was stretched out on their couch in the living room and Lucas was sitting at the counter with his laptop, trying desperately to work on his online schoolwork. He’d hoped this week would be a bit easier going because of exams on Sunday, but of course not. 

He might have succeeded in getting work done if Eliott didn’t look so fucking cute and wasn’t wearing one of his hoodies. They had never verbally agreed to share each others clothes, but Lucas stole one of Eliott’s shirts, then Eliott stole a hoodie, and things had only progressed from there. Not that they could wear any of it anywhere other than in the confines of their suite. 

“Eli, Eli, Eli,” Lucas whined from the counter, drooping his head into his arms against the cool surface. Eliott’s eyes peeked up at him from underneath the hood and his floof of hair. 

“Yes, my love?” Eliott responded, mimicking the way Lucas’ head was lying on the counter. My love. It was the second time he’d said it, but Lucas had been so lovestruck the first time he’d nearly forgotten about it. They didn’t do pet names, they really didn’t, other than Eli and Lu, but could those even be considered pet names if they’d been using them since they could speak? Lucas would probably die of embarrassment if Eliott called him babe or baby. My love. There was something about that one, though, something that set Lucas’ heart on fire. 

“I can’t concentrate when you’re over there looking like that,” Lucas huffed, pretending to be upset. 

Eliott frowned sympathetically. “Welcome to my world, Lu.”

“Shut up,” Lucas said, burying his grinning face back into his arms. 

“Oh, so you can say things like that but I can’t? That seems unfair Lallemant,” Eliott countered. 

Lucas let out a giggle. “I’m Lallemant now?”

“Only because you’re not Demaury yet.” This smooth fucker. Lucas was completely, one hundred percent done with him. He loved him so much. 

He sat up fully, trying to turn his attention back to his computer screen so as to not give away how flustered he was. “Well, until then…” Lucas trailed off, clicking his space bar to wake the computer from its screen saving mode. 

He let out a small gasp of shock as hands wrapped around his torso, pulling him off his seat and back onto the couch. The surprise didn’t last long, Lucas sank into Eliott’s touch almost immediately, curling into him like it was what he’d been made to do. Eliott wrapped his arms tighter around Lucas, placing his head on one shoulder. 

“Mmm,” Eliott hummed softly into his ear, “I should make us dinner, you’re too skinny.”

Lucas could tell by his tone that he’d meant it as a joke, but every single nerve in Lucas’ body stood on end at the words. He didn’t mean to, but he stiffened in Eliott’s arms, trying to steady the rapid pace of his heart. He’d been so careful, trying to make sure Eliott didn’t notice… and maybe he didn’t, maybe he was just making an excuse to get up and make food, but what if he wasn’t?

“Lu? You ok? I was just joking,” Eliott said, pulling back slightly. He knew Eliott knew the implication of his words, he might have been the only one that knew, but Lucas had been saying he was ok, so maybe Eliott forgot about when he wasn’t. 

“You— you don’t— I’m not—” Lucas was trying to hold his words back as they came out of his mouth, and he knew the exact moment Eliott worked out what he was trying to say, because he pushed Lucas off his lap to look into his eyes. 

They were beautiful, still, but they were furious. “Lucas. You haven’t been… no, you can’t have been, I’ve made a point to make meals with you…”

He didn’t have a problem he didn’t have a problem he didn’t have a problem he didn’t— 

“Lucas, say something.” Eliott interrupted his thoughts. 

But what could he say? I push around food on my plate and throw it away when you aren’t looking? I put on a whole façade every time you leave the room to make it look like I cooked and ate a full meal? I’ve been ‘eating’ with friends so often so you wouldn’t notice anything, because I know you’re the only one who would notice?

Eliott blinked at him in shock and Lucas realized he might have actually said that all out loud. Lucas recoiled as he saw the shock turn to disbelief and something that looked vaguely like anger. It reminded Lucas of how Eliott had looked after he’d insulted him at the party a few weeks back, but he was pretty sure this argument wasn’t going to end with a kiss. 

“I’m just kidding,” Lucas tried weakly, and he knew in that instant that it was the completely wrong thing to say. 

“Don’t you fucking dare, Lucas, I don’t even know what to say—” Eliott broke off, standing up from the couch and running his hands through his hair. “You’ve been lying to me this whole time. Why? I love you, and I only want the best for you, so why wouldn’t you tell me when you’re slipping back into this?”

“Because it’s not a problem, Eliott! I have it under control!” Tears pricked the corners of Lucas’ eyes and he willed them away. Fuck, he was such an idiot. So, so stupid. 

Eliott clenched his fists at his sides, looking down to where Lucas was still sitting curled in on himself on the couch. “It is a problem, Lucas! Maybe you tell yourself it’s not to justify your unhealthy behavior, but it is a problem!”

“Eliott—”

“Stop. If you’re never going to admit it to yourself, maybe I have to spell it out for you.” Eliott’s breaths were heavy and ragged, like he was angry and heartbroken at the same time. “You have an eating disorder, Lucas. I don’t know how long this has been going on exactly, but if it’s so easy for you to find ways to hide the fact you don’t eat, I’m going to take an educated guess it isn’t a new thing. Which also begs the question of why no one else has noticed before.” A pause. Then—  “I noticed, I always noticed.”

Lucas halted his rapid train of thought. “What does that mean? You always noticed?”          

“I notice every little thing about you, you think I’m not going to notice when the circles under your eyes are so dark they look bruised, or when you look so small I could wrap one hand around your waist? I ignored it for years, I told myself it wasn’t my problem, that you had Yann, and Manon, and Emma, and Arthur, and Daphné, and Imane, and probably a shitload of other people you cared about more than me. I made my peace with it and I pretended not to notice. I’m so fucking sorry for that, you have no idea, I’m sorry for being selfish and not speaking up when there was a real problem that no one was doing anything about. But I’m not sorry right now, because you need to hear this, you need to stop living in denial and realize that this is a problem. One that could cost you your fucking life if you’re not careful, Lucas!” His voice broke again, and Lucas felt a tear slip down his face at the same time he say one slip down Eliott’s. 

Eliott was silent for a moment, and Lucas thought he might have run out of things to say, when he added, in the softest, most broken voice Lucas had ever heard, “I can’t lose you Lucas, not when we’ve only just started what’s meant to be a life full of love.”

Lucas was at a loss for words. Eliott had noticed everything. Even when he’d been so careful over the many years, never taking things far enough to raise suspicion. No one else had ever noticed anything, but Eliott had, Eliott always had. Lucas loved him so much that he didn’t know what to do with it, so he did the only thing he knew how to do when confronted with an ugly truth. “Fuck off.”

The tears stopped running down Eliott’s face almost immediately. Lucas practically saw him close himself up, putting up walls that Lucas had only just started to see through. 

“Fuck off,” Lucas repeated, hating himself more than anything, “You don’t know shit, Eliott. You noticed everything, huh? What about the actual bruises, what about the way my spirit was crushed inside me every time I came back to school from the holidays? Huh? You noticed what was convenient, just so you could have this big ‘I told you so’ moment somewhere down the line. You didn’t want to have to deal with any of the real shit, so you just hyper focused on one thing, ignoring what wouldn’t make you a hero.”

“Are you serious right now, Lucas?” Eliott’s voice was cold, dead, defeated. “I need to know if you’re serious.”

He wasn’t, because it shouldn’t have been Eliott’s job to notice. He was, because if Eliott had made it his job to notice, why didn’t he notice everything? Lucas must have been silent a second too long, because Eliott took a deep, heaving breath and stormed to his room. He made way to slam the door, turning around to meet Lucas’ eyes at the last second. “I’ll let you win tonight, only because I can’t fucking deal with this right now, but I’m not pretending anymore. Starting tomorrow, we’re going to eat together for every meal, and I don’t care if you hate me again, but I won’t let you kill yourself slowly. We can start small, but we are going to start somewhere, because you have an eating disorder Lucas, and yeah, it’s a problem.”

The door slammed before Lucas could respond, which was probably a good thing, because Lucas might have said something he regretted. The sick, twisted thing about it all was that Eliott’s care for him only made him want to eat less. He wanted to show Eliott that what he was doing wasn’t a problem, and that he could keep doing it as long as he wanted, no matter what Eliott thought was best. He didn’t need a fucking babysitter, and he sure as shit didn’t want his boyfriend to act like his parent. If Eliott even still was his boyfriend. 

This was a mess, a mess of Lucas’ own making, but he couldn’t find it in himself to feel guilty or remorseful about any of it. He felt proud that it had taken this long for anyone to snap, realize that they didn’t want to hold their tongue anymore. 

Maybe it was a problem, like Eliott had said, but it had always been Lucas Lallemant versus the world, and he’d learned how to thrive in that isolation. When the world threw quite a few punches, he punched back, never accepting anyone on his team because he didn’t need it. As much as he loved Eliott, he didn’t need him to be there to take care of him, he could do it all himself as he always had done. If Eliott didn’t understand that, maybe it would be better if they went back to being less than friends. Sometimes the best way to love someone was to let them go, and Lucas knew he’d only ever be a burden if he made Eliott stay. In the long run, Eliott would probably thank him for ending things before Eliott started to resent the fact that Lucas wasn’t perfect and, ok, maybe did have a problem. It was his own thing to deal with, and Lucas would make sure Eliott knew that from here on out. 

Lucas could already feel it hurting, the loss of the one person he’d thought he’d never have to lose, but at least he was accustomed to pain.

[writingmyimagines]

Shot Through the Heart - Pt 1

Billy Hargrove X Reader

A/N: Hi all, this is my first imagine on this blog and it will in fact be a series. I am still playing with the title, so it may change, but as of now it is from You Give Love a Bad Name by Bon Jovi. This chapter introduces you as a character and establishes where the plot is going, let me know if you have any feedback!

Warning: cursing

Word Count: 1.9k

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You watched as the sun rose, a sleepless night behind you. Your radio hummed in the background, quietly playing Bruce Springsteen, and you turned your attention back to the speckled ceiling waiting for the inevitable. Today was January 10th, the first day of school since you had recessed for winter break. ‘Stupid school,’ you muttered.

Moments later, the alarm blared, signaling your normal 6:20 AM wake up time. And you rolled out of bed, before quickly getting into action. Rolled up jeans, adidas sneakers, hair spray, your fur lined jean jacket, and a bit of lip gloss later and you were ready to go. 

Hurriedly, you ran downstairs as your mother called, “(Y/N), breakfast is ready!” Taking two steps at a time, you hopped down and reached for the plate of eggs and french toast being presented to you. It seems your dad had already left the house given his empty coffee cup and syrup smothered plate. Your younger sister on the other hand was already gobbling down eggs, staring at you before blathering, “Impf alrady rally late.” Distantly, you processed what was said, and began to eat violently fast, glancing at the clock that read 7:03, “Shit.”

“Language! Although you two do need to get out the door.” You couldn’t help, but roll your eyes before inhaling the rest of your plate and running up to kiss your mom on the cheek, a bit of syrup sticking to her skin. You snatched your bag off the hook by the doorway, calling, “I was going to hang out with Britt and Robin today, can you take care of Cassie?”

You hardly waited for the response, swinging open the door and being met with a sharp breeze of cold Indiana air. Distantly, there was some kind of approval and Cassandra ran past you, heading straight for your ‘79 Chevy. She was a bit old and didn’t always run great, but she was yours, and god you loved her. You followed suit, accidentally slamming the door, and immediately revving her up.

The radio hummed on your way to the middle school, dropping Cassie off. Hardly stopping, you ushered her out and yelled, “Have a good day! Don’t do anything I wouldn’t!”

She ran off and you glanced at the clock again, 7:20. So you put the pedal to the metal, screeching into the parking lot at 7:26 like a bat out of hell, your tires having burnt some serious rubber on the turn in. Several shocked faces glanced at you, everyone making their own way to the first day of school this calendar year. You hurried out, knowing that your 7:30 AM chemistry class was at the very end of the building and you would have to hurry up. But by some stroke of luck, one of your dearest friends Brittney caught up to you as you ran into the bustling halls of your high school. She bumped into your shoulder aggressively, “Good to see you too. Don’t tell me that screeching was you in the parking lot?”

You gave out a guilty laugh, before confirming, “Yeah, I guess I was running a little late. New year, I wanted to make sure my hair looked nice.” You gently messed with your carefully styled hair, before she oooh’d at you, “Trying to impress anyone, are you? You know, Damien in your biology class is pretty cute, Robin says he can play guitar too.”

You winked at her, before waving her off, “Nah, gotta focus on finishing college applications! You think I want to be stuck in Indiana for the rest of my life? No thank you.”

“Well with your grades, you should be fine, Miss Soon-to-Be Valedictorian.” You laughed at her, lightly punching her shoulder and whining, “You don’t know that! Don’t put those far off dreams in my head.” 

So yes, you were good at school, very good at school; so good in fact, you were applying to Stanford, Brown, Yale, and Harvard. They were distant dreams, but if anyone in this god forsaken small town had a chance, it was you. This also meant that yes, you guys were nerds, but luckily not outcasts. The three of you didn’t bring enough attention to yourselves that you got bullied, but you weren’t exactly popular either. Or really, anywhere near popular. The closest you had gotten was Tommy H has made a passing comment about Britt’s “rack” once, so yeah, not really your scene.

But you were dragged from your thoughts as the one minute warning bell rang and you and Britt sat down in the dusty chemistry lab room, sadly knowing Robin had band first thing in the morning. And it didn’t take your graying, wheezing instructor but ten seconds to start droning on about balancing chemical reactions and the proper way to go about it. Seems like it would be another exciting day at Hawkins High.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The school day had quickly come to a close and you began making your way to your little trio’s meeting spot; the music room. Your last class was Literature, and you shared it with none of your friends, so you were quietly humming to yourself, making your way to the adjacent arts building when the vice principal stopped you. Mr. Eldridge gave a small smile, before inquiring, “Mrs. (Y/L/N)? Yes, I need to see you in my office really quickly if you have a moment, nothing bad of course, just a little something.”

You tried not to raise your eyebrow at the careful lilt in his voice towards the end of the phrase, almost as if he was hiding something. You pushed a smile onto your features and nodded, quietly following him into the musty office of his. There, a puke green carpet cushioned your steps as you fell into quite possibly the most uncomfortable neon office chair you had ever had the displeasure of being in. 

He rested his bony hands on the oak desk and you watched him questioningly, nodding almost as if urging him to tell you what was going on. He started loudly, “As you know, I am in charge of all student’s academics and well-being here at Hawkins High and as such, I want every single student to do well.” You nodded carefully, wondering why he was telling you all this. “Well, I wanted to try a new program of sorts. You are an exemplary student Ms. (Y/L/N), top of the class, involved in several clubs, engaged in volunteering, and an all around sweet girl.” You smiled a bit more proudly, not hating hearing your own praise. “As such, we figured you would be the best candidate to lift others up with you.” Here is where you started getting suspicious, what on Earth did he mean by that?

Your eyebrows lifted and he continued, “As I mentioned, I want all students to succeed, and unfortunately, some students here don’t take their studies as seriously as you do. So some of the faculty and I thought to do a Student-to-Student program of sorts. Essentially, we’ll be pairing you with a student that is struggling and you will meet with them a couple of days a week. You can study together, offer them tips, perhaps encourage volunteering or extracurriculars? Your job is to try to encourage them to be a better student, and more importantly, a better person.”

Gears in your brain were slowly cranking as you deciphered what this meant. So he wanted you to mentor someone? As if the dead-beats at this school would give a shit, none the less agree to this. It was clear that higher education wasn’t the uhhh, right path for some. 

Yet, he went on, “We wanted to test out this program with you and one other student given your absolutely stunning record. If it goes well, then we can further this program and hopefully improve the lives of all youth that walk through these hallowed halls!” He glanced proudly around his office, glancing longingly at his own high school graduation portrait before glancing back around. He let out a heavy sigh, but perked back up, waiting for your answer.

You weren’t exactly convinced though, this sounded like a lot of effort and to be rewarded with what? You knew that this wasn’t going to be transformative for anyone and was more than likely a waste of time. “I’m sorry sir, but I am not sure I have the time to do this. As you mentioned, my schedule is quite packed and I am in the process of applying to quite a few colleges, as well as balancing my clubs and spending time with family…”

You trailed off, but he interrupted, “Ah, but perhaps I can help that. We can put on your resume that you helped this program get off the ground, mentored another student, proving yourself as a leader. You would be the first student to do something like this in all of Hawkins, maybe even all of Indiana. Aren’t colleges always looking for leadership and initiative?” He had a glint in his eye and you sighed. This would look stellar, and unfortunately, you were lacking a bit in the leadership department. But you would be missing a lot. But none of that would matter if you got into the college of your dreams. ‘Well, it might be for the best.’

“Sir, how often would this be?” And he laughed boisterously, knowing that he had gotten you in. “But a mere two days a week and every other Friday afternoon. Just an hour in the library, nothing you aren’t capable of. And we wanted to run this for a month or two, just to see how it goes.”

You nodded slowly, mulling things over. You would be missing time with your dear friends, but this could very well be the edge you need to get into an Ivy League. Another sigh escaped your lips, and you nodded. “Well sir, sign me up, I’ll do it.”

He nodded, his lips breaking into a large smile and his hands clapping together. It seems that he was more worried about this than he had let on. He chortled, “Amazing, simply amazing Ms. (Y/L/N), you don’t understand how great that is to hear, and I will be happy to write any recommendation letters or help in any way I can. Can you start tomorrow, Tuesday afternoon?”

Well that was quick, and your features showed your surprise, but you nodded. Seems that your schedule was about to change quite a bit. 

“Fantastic! Just go to the library after school and we’ll send in your mentee.”

You nodded again and began to reach for your bag as he was getting up as well. You made a mental note to write this in your planner as your feet lead you to the door. And your heart beat faster, getting nervous at the thought of basically being responsible for another student’s life when you turned back towards this thinning man, and you questioned, “Oh I nearly forgot sir, who should I be looking for tomorrow? Or rather, who will I be working with?”

He took a moment, heading to the door as well when he pursed his lips and you became suspicious immediately. Surely it was gonna be some druggie or someone who just didn’t care, nothing too hard to deal with, you knew the type. But the words that left his mouth stunned you, “You’ll be working with Mr. Billy Hargrove.” And his door slammed shut.

Billy fucking Hargrove. Unbelievable.

[avengerscompound]

Skin Contact

Skin Contact:  A Bucky Barnes Fanfic

Series Masterlist

Buy me a ☕ Character Pairing:  Bucky Barnes x F!Reader

Word Count:  2923

Series Warnings:  Angst, smut (hand jobs, vaginal sex, fingering), PTSD, mentions of past torture.  Superpowered Reader.

Synopsis:  While on the run in Romania you come across a man who has a past very similar to your own.  When the people pursuing him track him down, you assume you will never see him again.

Skin Contact

You step into the stairwell of the apartment block and his scent hits you immediately.  He’s like a wild animal caught in a snare.  Fear seeps from every pore in his body.

Here was the burden of your abilities.  You control the chemicals in your body that change behavior.  As well as pheromones.  Both yours and through touch, other people’s.  It meant that when people were happy or angry or turned on you knew right away.  You could tell the predators from the prey through their scent.  You also could tell when someone was scared.  Like this someone.  But just because you knew they were didn’t mean you knew why.  Or what to do about it.

You look up and catch a glimpse of him.  He’s not acting scared.  Just calmly climbing the stairs.

“Hello?”  You say and then curse yourself.  You’re in Romania now.  Speaking in English isn’t going to help.  “Uhh… buna ziua?”

The figure starts and his adrenaline kicks in.  He looks over the metal railing of the stairs.  His stance is slightly defensive.  “Who are you?”  He asks, also in English.  It sounds accusatory.  His heart is racing.  You can almost hear it.

You say your name and start climbing the stairs.  “I live in apartment 6C.  Are you okay?”

“You live in the building?”  He asks.

“Yes.  I have for a while now.”  You answer.  “Are you okay?  You seem … uh, are you okay?”

He watches you climb the stairs peering over the railing.  His long hair falling in his face.  “You’re not Romanian.  Why would you live here?  Why aren’t you taking the elevator?”

You take a breath in while you consider what to tell him.  Your abilities aren’t natural.  They were created.  Against your will by people who would use them as a weapon.  So you ran.  Bucharest is for hiding.  You get the feeling that’s why he is here too.  “I ran.  That’s why I live here.  I’m not taking the elevator because it smells like piss.”

The man laughs and relaxes a little.  A very little but it happens.  “It’s bad isn’t it?”  He says.

“Well, I never had high expectations of this building, to be honest.  And I can handle stairs.”  You say.  “Are you running too?”

He becomes defensive again.  He’s not as scared now.   Or more he has decided you’re not a threat he needs to run from.  He’s chosen 'fight' instead of 'flight'.  “What are you running from?”  He asks.

You finally reach the flight of stairs he’s on.  The guy is remarkably good looking.  Dark hair that falls over his piercing blue/gray eyes.  He strong jaw is covered with scruff.  Not a full beard but more than just a five o’clock shadow.  It also looks like he works out a lot.  His chest is wide and his arms and legs are thick with muscle that strains against what would be loose-fitting clothing on most average men.  

“Who.  I’m running from a who.”  You answer.  You stand, assessing each other for a minute.  Both of you holding your small bag of groceries.  Normally by now if a person was as scared as he is you would have risked skin contact to calm them and to have them trust you.  He has every piece of skin covered except his face though.  You get the feeling that if you tried to touch his face it wouldn’t end well for you.

“Are you okay?”  You repeat.

“I’m running from a who too.”  He says.

You glance around the stairwell uneasily.  “Do you want to maybe come to my apartment.  Have some tea?”

That is how you become friends with Bucky Barnes.  After that first meeting, you start circling each other like satellites.  Neither of you willing to completely open up to the other but both recognizing the same things in each other.  The history of pain. The fear of being found.  The unwillingness to trust easily.

Even though neither of you is fully willing to open up to each other, you find yourself falling for him.  He is fragile despite his physical strength.  The need to protect others has always been strong in you.  You know he is attracted to you too.  You can smell his attraction.  It overwhelms your senses.  There are days where holding yourself back from jumping him takes all your effort.

He never actually touches you though.  Always keeping himself at arm’s length from you.  He won’t even let your hands brush over each other.  If they accidentally do, he flinches away, like you’ve burned him.  He also never takes his gloves off.  Not for anything.

In a way, it’s like you’re just drifting along through life, side by side.  Neither of you really living life.  Just existing in a similar state.  Neither willing to go forward and admit maybe there was something here.

You’re in your apartment together one night.  You’re always in your apartment.  He won’t take you to his.  One of the old ladies in the building had cooked you ‘Ciorba de fasole cu ciolan’ in payment for a massage.  That’s how you earned your money.  Massage was easy when you could relax people by upping their dopamine when you touched them.  People thought you were much better at it than you were.  Bucky just worked odd jobs.  Usually, construction that didn’t involve papers and the money was paid under the table.  The old ladies of the building loved him too.  Always asking him to fix things around the building.

“Can I show you something?”  Bucky asks as he cleans away the dishes.

“Of course.”

He puts the dishes in the sink and turns to you.  He takes off his gloves.  And to begin with, you don’t notice the glint of metal on his left hand.  He then pulls his Henley off over his head.  You gasp.

The metal arm is what attracts your attention first.  If it was just that it was a prosthetic you wouldn’t flinch.  It’s the degree of technology that shocks you.  The way it mimics the shape of a human arm but is made of so many interconnecting metal plates that shift and slide against each other as he moves.  The next thing you notice is how raw the connection to his shoulder is. There was no care taken at all to make the wound clean or neat.  It’s ragged and red and looks like it must still cause him pain even though you know it doesn’t.  You’d be able to smell it if it did.

You get up and approach him slowly.  “Who did this to you?”  You ask gently grazing your fingers down his arm.  He flinches a little and lust flows from his pores drowning your senses.

“Nazis,”  Bucky says simply.  He takes your hand and moves it away, as he lets it go his fingers linger on yours like he doesn’t want to end that skin to skin contact.

You blink up at him.  “What?”

Bucky runs his hand through his hair and shakes his head.  “It’s complicated.  There was an accident.  When I woke up I was this… this monster.”

“Can I show you something?”  You ask.

“Sure thing, doll.”  He says.

“Pay attention to the way you’re feeling.”  You say and place your hand on his chest.  Once again he flinches.  A shudder runs through him.  You start by increasing his adrenaline.  His heartbeat speeds up.  You can feel the quick thud-thud-thud under your palm.  You dial it back and increase his dopamine.  His heartbeat slows and his eyes soften.

“How are you doing that?”  He asks.  His voice sounds slow and slightly slurred.   Like he’s high or drunk.  You return him to how he was.

“They did it to me.”  You answer.

“Who’s they?”  He asks.

“AIM.   Have you heard of AIM?”  

Bucky shakes his head.

“I used to work for them.  I was a chemist.  I was pretty new to it.  I’d just gotten my Ph.D. and they’d recruited me.  My supervisor was working on something for altering DNA and one night he asked me to stay back to help him.  I ended up strapped to a chair and he injected me with something.  Now I can manipulate people’s brain chemistry through touch.  I can smell things too.  Like fear and anger.  Lust.”

Bucky blushes and looks away from you.  “That’s who you’re running from?”

You nod.

“You don’t have a family?”  He asks.

“Don’t you?”  

He shakes his head.  “They’re all dead.  Everyone.  Just - just …”  He pauses and shakes his head.

“Bucky.”  You say, reaching up and touching his face.  “I’m here.”

Bucky moves your hand away and crosses his arms over his chest.  “I don’t trust myself.  What they did to me.  They put things in my head.  I can’t - I can’t -”

You tilt his face back towards you.  “You want to.  I know you do.  Life is a journey to be experienced, not a problem to be solved.  Just live it for a change and stop worrying.”

He leans into you, hovering his mouth over yours.  Your breath mingles.  It’s hot and moist and there’s far too much CO₂.  “You can talk.”  He breathes.  And his mouth is on yours.

Everything suddenly becomes frantic.  You become breathless as he kisses you, his tongue plunged into your mouth.  His hands scramble at your clothes and he tears your t-shirt.  You pull back sliding your hands down his chest.

“Bucky, slow down.”  You pant as his mouth moves to your throat.

Bucky snaps back like you just electroshocked him.  “Sorry.  It’s just been so long.”

“It’s okay.  I haven’t been with anyone for a while either.”   You say, tracing the back of your fingers up his abs.  His muscles contract and then release as your hand trails over them.

He shakes his head.  “No, I mean…”  He sighs and breaks eye contact with you.  “I can’t even remember the last time someone touched me that wasn’t meant to cause me pain.”

You kiss the corner of his jaw.  “I have an idea.  Do you think you can trust me?”

Bucky looks panicked for a moment.  “You can’t tie me up.”  He says.

You laugh and take his hand, leading him to the bedroom.  “I wasn’t going to.  I don’t think after what happened to me that I’d like that either.”

You drag your portable massage table from the closet where you keep it and set it up.  “Can you undress for me?”  You ask.

You turn away from him in some attempt to give him privacy, despite how ridiculous that is given what you’re planning.  Bucky grabs your hand and turns you back to face him.  He strokes the fingers of his cybernetic hand gently over your jaw before he starts removing the rest of his clothes.  He starts with his shoes, kicking them off without undoing the laces.  His socks go next.  He stuffs them in his trainers and then moves them out of the way.  He unbuckles his belt and unfastens his jeans.  Your breath hitches as he starts pushing them down, slowly revealing his cock.

He is large.  Very large.  And already semi-erect.  Your tongue flicks over your bottom lip as he works his jeans down his legs.  You drink all of him in.  All the muscles. The body hair.  Each and every scar.

He walks past you and climbs up onto the massage table lying face down.  You pick up your massage oil and squeeze it directly on his skin.  You watch the way his muscles contract and relax as the cold liquid hits his skin.  The scent of mango fills the room but it isn’t enough to cover the scent of his lust.

You start to run your hands over his back.  Just gently to begin with.  As your skin touches his, you adjust his dopamine and serotonin levels.  His muscles stop twitching at your touch and he starts to relax.  As you increase the pressure on his back he begins to moan.  Just softly but each moan comes as his muscles relax more and more.

“You don’t have to be quiet, Bucky.”  You say.

You move down his ass and over the back of his legs.  You are careful to touch each part of him.  Your fingers slide in between his ass crack and he groans loudly, his body jerking.

“Can you roll over?”  You ask.

He rolls and looks up at you.  You pour oil into your hands and start working it into his chest.  Up and out over his shoulders.  Across his ribs.  You move lower, down to his abs.  His cock is now rock hard and leaking.  Precome drips onto his skin.  As you rub the tension out of him, letting him become used to these touches that are about pleasure and not pain, he gives himself to it.  He whimpers and moans. His cock twitches and you take it in your hand and start to stroke it.

He groans and bucks his hips up into your hand.  “Stop, doll.  I’m gonna - I’m gonna come.”  He groans.  His accent coming through the strongest you’ve ever heard it.

“It’s okay.”  You soothe.  “Let go, Bucky.”

He groans again and his eyes fall closed.  The scent of his sex pheromones fills the room.  With a sudden jerk, he comes, spilling onto your hand and his stomach.  You keep pumping your fist as he empties in short spurts.  When his cock stills you pick up one of your hand towels and wipe him clean.

His hands go to your hips and he lifts you so that you’re straddling him.  You start to kiss, his hands in your hair.  It’s no longer frantic, but it is passionate.  

His hands slide down your back and then up under your ruined t-shirt.  You move your hips against him.  You can already feel him hardening again under you.

You pull back a little and look into his eyes.  “We don’t have to do this now.”  You say.  “We can wait until you feel like you trust yourself more.”

“I trust you and I’ve waited long enough.”  He says.  “I had so much of my life stolen, I need to live what’s left while I can.”

You kiss again, your lips moving together.  Your breath coming in shallow as you try to breathe through your nose.  He sits up and pulls your legs around his waist before standing and carrying you to the bed.  Without letting you go, he lays you back and moves on top of you.  You spread your legs, welcoming his body against yours.  He runs remarkably hot and the heat radiates between you.

He raises himself off you and you pull the ruined t-shirt you’re wearing off.  He fumbles with your bra and you help him unhook it.  As soon as your breasts are free, he latches onto one.  His fingers tease and pinch at your other nipple.  His steel hand slides down between both your bodies.  The cold metal a stark contrast from his hot skin.  It slips into your shorts and under the waistband of your panties.  Your cunt is so hot that when he pushes his fingers between your folds it’s like ice.  You moan and arch back off the mattress.

His fingers roll over your clit.  His scent has affected you strongly and you are dripping for him.  Your own personal lubricant allowing his fingers to move easily up and down your labia.

“Bucky,”  You pant.  “I want you.”

He looks up at you.  A smile playing over his lips.  He sits up and together you scramble out of your shorts and panties.  He pushes your body tightly against yours.  It doesn’t feel like there is any of his torso not in contact with you.

His cock slides up and down between your folds.  Pressing against your clit and releasing.  You wrap your legs around him, pulling even tighter against you.  He slides into your waiting cunt and you both hiss.

You move against each other, grinding and rolling your hips.  He brings his mouth to yours again and you devour each other.   Kissing, and sucking and grazing your teeth over each other’s lips.

Bucky keeps one hand in your hair and the other cupping your jaw.  Yours roam up and down his back.  Feeling the way his muscles move, how they twist and tense as he moves above you.  You grip his ass and squeeze it as it clenches.

Your orgasm peaks and then crashes down over you.  Your whole body clenches around Bucky’s.  Your fingers digging into his asscheeks.  He groans and presses his face into your neck as he spills inside of you.

That night, you and Bucky spend completely tangled around each other.  You have sex another three times.  Even when you aren’t having sex, you're touching.  While you talk and while you sleep, your skin is against his.  When you wake the next day he is staring at you.  He leans down and kisses you.  His happiness radiates off him.

“I’m going to get some fresh fruit.”  He says.  “Wait here for me.”

He gets up pulling on his clothes.   You watch him leave and snuggle back down into your blankets.  That’s the last time you see Bucky Barnes.

An hour later you hear a commotion in the stairwell.  You go to see what’s happening and police yell at you to get back inside.  Your heart drops.  Whoever he was running from has found him.  You start packing your things.  It’s time to go.

// NEXT

[body-in-revolt]

ALL OVER - ACTS OF LOVE: interview with director Marcus Azzini

text: Haroon Ali

“In All Over – Acts of Love I simply want to tell a beautiful love story.”

It’s as if the activist has awoken in theatre director Marcus Azzini (47), as we discover on the roof terrace of the International Theatre Amsterdam (ITA). Azzini made the performance Small Town Boy, based on the eponymous gay anthem (Smalltown Boy) by Bronski Beat, together with ITA especially for the Amsterdam Pride this summer. Like the famous Eighties song, the piece is about a gay boy escaping the countryside to seek happiness in the big city. ‘It’s my first performance specifically made for the LGBTI community’, Azzini confides.

‘It’s important that we keep telling these stories’, so the Brazilian-Dutch artistic director of Toneelgroep Oostpool tells us. ‘Until we’re no longer regarded as minorities. That term alone: “minorities”. We’re clearly in search of a new vocabulary for the discussions that are playing out now. Why should it be “extraordinary” that I, a homosexual man, have a 12-year-old son? Indeed, I advocate that no one should need to “come out of the closet”. Because it implies that some shame must be overcome before the real life can begin.’

After Small Town Boy, the rehearsals for All Over – Acts of Love, a unique collaboration between Arnhem based Toneelgroep Oostpool and contemporary dance platform ICK Amsterdam got underway. This performance is about two people who fall for each other – and who happen to be men. ‘In other words, another pink theme. I’m not intent on jumping onto the barricades, but after talks with choreographers Emio Greco and Pieter C. Scholten and writer Hannah van Wieringen I realized that this has to become a positive piece that, for once, does not problematize gay love. It wears me out to be regarded as “different”, just for sharing a bed with men. In All Over – Acts of Love I simply want to tell a beautiful love story.

What distinguishes this romance from other love stories?

‘Superficially these are just two men in their early thirties who live in a metropolis. Soon, however, it becomes clear that they’re living in our time in which climate change is constantly breathing down our spines. How do you live with that? How does it affect them? In other words: love in a time of climate change.’

What does the title All Over – Acts of Love stand for?

‘The first bit means to say: what if it’s all over and the world is really done for? But then it also means something like being all over each other. Acts of Love refers to love as a string of actions. Love is something you do, maybe even more than something you feel. That may also touch upon the psychology of a couple who have been together for long. What does it do to you to spend a whole life with one person; what does it do to your body to lie in bed beside the same person for fifty years? It’s something we can hardly imagine anymore. I’ve been with my man for nine years now --and I find even that something special.’

 Will you be staying together for the rest of your lives?

‘The wish is there, at least. Matthijs (van Bergen, fashion designer – ed.) spent nine months in London last year. I found out then, that I sleep and recharge better if he’s in bed beside me. So, he’s a sort of power pack; my love charger. Isn’t it strange that my body needs his body that much? Not just for romantic reasons, but truly for the physical aspect of love.’

 Are you someone who’s always in relationships?

‘As it happens, I’ve had several long-lasting relationships. The first one eleven years; then single for five years; now nine years at a stretch. Since I regard love as something you can do or make, it also becomes possible to create love in the theatre. If I play that I love you and you experience that as love even though you know I’m acting, then that’s love. You must keep seeing it as a play. If you are so merged together after all those years, then it’s nice to keep surprising each other and to ask yourself again and again: who do I want to be now? That merging and playing at love are the focus of this performance.’

 How did you get involved in this project?

‘ICK approached me. I made the performance LIstEn & See (LIES) together with Ann van den Broek, in which we also brought together actors and dancers. I generally focus on the physical aspect of acting and I want to connect the brain and the body. So, I do understand why ICK came to me – and I immediately wanted to accept the challenge. That’s what set the ball rolling

I called in Theun Mosk, a scenographer I enjoy working with, and Hannah van Wieringen, who is writing the text. She always comes up with strong dialogues that are very up to date. She knows how to capture beautifully how real people talk, while rendering it just a bit more poetic.’

 How did you put together the cast?

‘The piece follows the four seasons, performed by Ludwig Bindervoet and Kendrick Etmon. I chose them because they’re both powerful and inspiring actors who are fully engaged with the world and keep an open mind. There’s also a good chemistry between them. They’re two fiery men who project love, vulnerability and sex, even. The cast of dancers consists of Beatrice Cardone, Denis Bruno, Arad Inbar, Edward Lloyd, Isaiah Wilsson and Siva Canbazoglu, and others.’

Wouldn’t a cross-over of the two disciplines be more exciting?

‘Dance and drama are not separate for nothing, since you need to be so damn good in either discipline. So, there’s little point in drawing them out of their comfort zones. There are actors who can move well, but they will never dance at the level of ICK. And a dancer who has to speak becomes less of a dancer because he cannot focus on his specific talent. Therefore, I don’t use the term cross-over, but see it as a meeting. I want to look at what happens when actors and dancers practise their own disciplines alongside and betwixt each other. I had this wild idea, initially, to keep the actors out of sight altogether and just let them be heard, rather like an audio play. But it’s much more exciting after all to see the bodies of the actors move in between the dancers.’

 So, what role does dance play in this performance?

‘I had long discussions with Emio and Pieter about the choreography. I asked them if I could use their entire body of work to create a new dance language. Like directors often use a play by Shakespeare to do with it what they want. Well, they were a little hesitant at first, because a choreography is a work of art that has been perfected to the finest detail. Once you begin to toss around with it, it doesn’t do well. When we talked about it some more, they came up with the idea of creating a choreography together with the dancers especially for me, like a gift tied in a bow. It’s up to me to decide if I use the whole choreography or just a little piece of it. It’s still a dialogue, of course. Everything comes together in the rehearsals and then I see what works best.’

 Do Pieter and Emio still have an influence on the performance, or do you keep them out?

Laughing: ‘I try to ban them as much as possible. No, not that, but they won’t meddle with it much. I do have a rehearsal director overseeing the technique of the dance movements, so that each toe is placed the way it should. It will take all parties some getting used to, but Emio, Pieter and I have fortunately known each other for years, so there’s full trust between us. And we’ve put together such a good team, so it feels like a creative playground.’

 Is this cross-over – sorry: meeting – of dance and drama a new trend?

‘I don’t know. Some people are wary of cross-overs, because they think that it dilutes the arts disciplines. The performing arts are continuing to innovate, but it can be confusing to the audience sometimes. That is why I tell everyone explicitly that All Over – Acts of Love is a dance performance, so as to keep things clear.’

  ALL OVER – ACTS OF LOVE

DANCE AND LANGUAGE FIND EACH OTHER IN THE SEARCH FOR LOVE

 In All Over – Acts of Love, a collaboration with Toneelgroep Oostpool, dancers and actors present movements of love. Hannah van Wieringen has written dialogues in which there is exploring, thinking and feeling. Emio Greco and Pieter C. Scholten have created a choreography. Theatre director Marcus Azzini has brought everything together in a space designed by Theun Mosk in which bodies and language find each other without one yielding to another. Both go to great lengths in their urge for complete abandon.

 For credits and tour dates please visit

www.ickamsterdam.nl

Publicity image: Henri Verhoef Portrait Marcus Azzini: Bas de Brouwer Stage photography: Alwin Poiana

[scottadamsblog]

When to Trust the Experts (Climate and Otherwise)

 Our duo of hurricanes, Harvey and Irma, have elevated the perceived risks of climate change in a lot of people’s minds. Are these disasters, and the record heat in many places, a sign of climate warming already out of control?

The quick answer is maybe, but climate scientists will need a lot more data and probably a few more years to know whether we are seeing a blip or a trend. From a persuasion perspective, the fascinating thing to me is that the climate science “sides” have reversed because of the storms. And here I am only talking about non-scientists on social media. 

Last winter I saw climate skeptics (or deniers in some cases) proclaiming climate change a hoax because it was cold outside. The scientists and pro-climate-change folks mocked those poor souls for not understanding the difference between anecdotal evidence and science. You can’t determine a long term trend by looking out the window, say all scientists. And if you think you can, you’re being a big dope who doesn’t know the first thing about science.

If you don’t understand that anecdotal data in isolation is generally useless to scientists, you don’t understand anything about science. A year ago, that described a lot of climate skeptics who were looking out their windows, seeing snow, and declaring climate change a hoax.

But that was last year. This week the sides reversed. Now I keep seeing climate alarmists on social media looking at the hurricanes and declaring them strong evidence of climate change. They might be right. But if they are, it is by coincidence and not by science. Scientists say it is too early to tell. So now we have a bizarre situation in which the pro-science side is disagreeing with the scientists on their own side. That’s what confirmation bias gets you. Both sides see anecdotal evidence as real. Both sides think they respect and understand the basics of science. Both sides are wrong.

Please excuse my generalities here. Obviously there are plenty of smart people on both sides who understand that anecdotal information is not confirmation of anything. But in terms of what I see on social media, the hurricanes have turned a lot of people on the pro-science side into believers in anecdotal evidence. Here’s one example. Read from bottom up.

And this brings me to my topic of the day: How do you know when to trust experts? My hypothesis is that people who have the most experience in the real world trust experts the least. To make that point, allow me to give you a brief tour of my experience with experts.

Nutrition

When I was a kid, scientists seemed to agree on what constituted good nutrition. They even put that knowledge into a handy visual aid involving a food pyramid, and provided it to every school. We now understand the science behind it to be bunk.

Fitness

I’m old enough to have observed fitness experts revising their advice countless times. I’m no longer sure if stretching is good or bad. And the exercise experts also had the nutrition stuff wrong, along with the rest of the world, for most of my lifetime. 

Psychology

When I was a kid, Sigmund Freud was considered the leading expert on psychology even though he was dead. Now the experts in psychology considers Freud a fraud. His science wasn’t science at all.

Finance

When I was young, I assumed experts could pick stocks better than a monkey with a dart board. It turns out I was wrong. Index funds with no experts whatsoever routinely outperform the expert stock-pickers. 

I have a degree in economics and an MBA from UC Berkeley. I did financial projections for a living, first at a major bank and later at the local phone company. People considered me an expert in that narrow field. In a number of cases, I got to track how my projections compared to actual results. They were rarely close. As an expert, I deserved no credibility whatsoever. And for a good reason. My projections required human judgment on lots of variables, so the output was little more than guessing and massaging the numbers to meet my boss’s expectations.

Medical

Some of you know I lost my ability to speak for over three years because of a bizarre disorder called spasmodic dysphonia. The experts almost unanimously agreed that the source of the spasmodic dysphonia is in the brain, not the vocal cords. I ended up diagnosing myself correctly after my primary care doctor and his recommended specialists were totally stumped. (I figured it out using Google.) Once I knew the problem, I found the one surgeon in the world who claimed he could fix my problem by rewiring the nerve pathways in my neck. The operation was a success, and I recovered from an “incurable” problem. Had I listened to 99% of the experts who said the problem was in my brain, I would not have considered an operation on my neck.

I could go on like this for hours, but I think you start to see my point. At my age, and given my type of experience, I have seen experts get the big stuff wrong lots of times, even when that seemed deeply unlikely. 

That brings us to climate change. The experts are strongly aligned on one side. If you have neither the age nor the experience to know how often experts can be wrong, you probably assume the experts are credible. But if you have my type of experience, watching the fields of finance, diet, exercise, psychology, and medicine get the big stuff wrong, you start from a place of skepticism. Ideally, we would look at the details in any given situation to make our final decisions on the credibility of experts because no two cases are alike. Unfortunately, we humans are not good at using facts and reason. We tend to use our biases and then rationalize them later.

So how do we know when to trust experts and when to be skeptical? Here are the red flags you should look for in order to know how much credibility to assign to the experts.

Money Distortion

When the players have money on the line, the truth gets distorted. In climate science, money influences both sides of the debate. That’s a red flag.

Complexity with Assumptions

Whenever you see complexity, that is a red flag. Complexity is often used to deceive. And complexity invites human error. When you see complex models that claim to predict the future, stay skeptical, especially when humans are making assumptions that influence the results.

The exceptions are planetary predictions and other straightforward physics. We can predict the future location of planets without any human assumptions. That is just math and physics. But in the fields of finance and climate science, to name just two, humans are influencing the models with assumptions. That is always a red flag. I am aware of no complex prediction model populated with human assumption-tweaking that is credible, in any field. Is climate science the first exception? Maybe. But it would be unusual in my experience.

The Important Fact Left Out

When people have the facts on their side, they are quick to point it out. When a key fact is glaringly omitted, that’s a red flag.

In the world of climate science, most of you would not know the answer to this key question: Are the temperature measurements peer reviewed?

You probably assumed the temperature measurements are peer reviewed. Maybe some, or most, are. All I know for sure is that climate scientist Michael Mann says his temperature data is proprietary. He refused to release it to a Canadian court for that reason. is that a common situation, that data measurements are “secret.” I don’t know. Neither do you. That’s a red flag. It is conspicuous that you and I don’t know the answer to that basic question. Because if the raw temperature data is not peer reviewed, is it really science?

To be perfectly clear here, I don’t know the state of peer review for temperature measurements. But it is such a key question it raises a red flag as to why scientists aren’t making sure we know the raw data is clean and widely reviewed. 

Conflation of Credibility

Whenever you see someone conflate a credible thing (such as the peer review system in science) with a less-credible thing (long term prediction models), that’s a red flag. If you question the accuracy of climate models, someone will mention the gold standard of peer review, even though that doesn’t address climate models that involve human assumptions. Conflation of credibility is a red flag.

My view on climate science is that different elements have different levels of earned credibility. Like this:

Basic Science: The chemistry and physics of climate change seem solid. When you add CO2 to an environment, expect some extra heat, all other things being equal.

Temperature Measurements: The temperature measurements used by climate scientists might be solid. But the way science has so far communicated this topic does not inspire confidence. I think you have to put a lower credibility on the temperature measurements than on the basic science, simply because of the way the topic is presented to the public. If the measurements are credible, why not tell us all about the peer review process that has validated them? And why would Michael Mann even have “proprietary” data? Isn’t everyone looking at the same stuff?

Climate Models: As soon as you hear that someone has a complicated prediction model, that’s red flag. If you hear that the model involves human assumptions and “tweaking,” that’s a double red flag. If you hear there are dozens of different models, that’s a triple red flag. If you hear that the models that don’t conform to the pack are discarded, and you don’t know why, that is a quadruple red flag. And if you see people conflating climate projections with economic models to put some credibility on the latter, you have a quintuple red flag situation.

To be fair, none of the so-called flags I mentioned means the models are wrong. But they do mean you can’t put the same credibility on them as you would the basic science.

Economic Models

Have you noticed that I seem to be the only person talking about economic models when it comes to climate change? That’s because there is a tendency to assume the economic decision is so obvious no study is needed.

That’s the sort of thinking that no economist would find credible. Moreover, economists don’t believe anyone can forecast the future with long term economic models. Science might tell us we have a big problem, but economists have to tell us when to start addressing it and how hard. That part is missing.

I have seen some economic guesses of how much damage would be caused by climate change. But I have not seen one that considered opportunity cost, or the benefit of waiting for better technology. No economist would respect a prediction that ignored those two enormous variables. And those variables are deeply unpredictable by their nature. 

The One Sided Argument

When I see climate scientists in the media, they are never accompanied by skeptical scientists who can check their statements in real time. Likewise, articles by and about skeptics are usually presented without simultaneous debunking by the experts on the other side. Those are red flags. Any presentation of one side without the simultaneous fact-checking by the other is useless and almost certainly designed for persuasion, not truth. The problem here is that both sides of the climate debate are 100% persuasive when viewed without the other in attendance. If you think your side is the smart side, check out the other side. They look just as smart, at least to non-scientists such as me.

I’ll summarize by reminding readers that I am not a scientist and I don’t have the tools to evaluate the credibility of climate scientists. If you think you do have that ability as a non-scientist, my guess is that you are younger than me or you have less experience of the type I described above. 

When I present this sort of framing to climate change believers, they generally retreat to Pascal’s Wager, which says in this case that we should treat any risk of catastrophe as if it is likely, so we aggressively address the risk and eliminate it. That makes sense in a world where resources are not constrained. But our world is the opposite. Everything we do is at the expense of something else we wanted to do. And I am aware of no economic model that considers the opportunity cost of spending a trillion dollars for perhaps a half-degree temperature improvement. 

Climate change isn’t our only mortal threat. We have pandemics, terrorism, nuclear war, the singularity, asteroids, and probably a dozen more threats I don’t even know. If we could eliminate all of those threats and have money left over, I say let’s do it. But if resources are limited (and they are), I need a strong argument to put a trillion dollars into any one of the risks.

---

My new book, Win Bigly, is available for pre-order. It’s about persuasion in a world where facts don’t matter to our decisions. (Even when they should.)

[ramajmedia]

Grey’s Anatomy: 10 Cristina Yang Quotes To Live By | ScreenRant

Grey's Anatomy is known for its dreamy doctors and steamy romances. Aside from the insane medical cases set to an unforgettable soundtrack, it has also been praised for its undeniably quotable dialogue. The series may have been named for Meredith Grey, but Cristina Yang has always been a fan favorite. The doctor was not only Meredith's "person", but she's also responsible for some of the show's best quotes.

RELATED: Grey's Anatomy: 10 Of The Worst Things Meredith Has Ever Done

Cristina was brilliant, no-nonsense and pretty funny for someone who rarely smiled. Even though she left the series back in season 10, the character is still sorely missed. Let's take a look at 10 of the most memorable things that Dr. Yang has said over the years.

10 “If you want crappy things to stop happening to you, then stop accepting crap and demand something more.”

This season two quote perfectly sums up Cristina Yang’s life philosophy. The doctor doesn’t accept crap from anyone, which is why so few people have ever dared to cross her. Cristina has always known who she is and absolutely refuses to apologize for it.

RELATED: The Worst Thing Each Main Character From Grey's Anatomy Has Done

It’s these qualities that make Cristina such a beloved character. Fans never had to guess what she was thinking. They could always count on her to tell whoever she was talking to exactly how she felt. Cristina was always one of the strongest characters on Grey’s Anatomy. Her words here may not be eloquent, but that doesn’t mean that they’re not true.

9 “She’s my person. If I murdered someone, she’s the person I’d call to help me drag the corpse across the living room floor. She’s my person.”

Nothing else could explain the friendship between Meredith and Cristina quite so well as this quote that Cristina use to explain things to Burke in season 3. While the romance between Meredith and Derek was often at the center of Grey’s Anatomy, it’s easy to see that the heart of the show was always the relationship between Meredith and Cristina.

RELATED: Grey's Anatomy: 10 George O'Malley Quotes That Will Make You Miss Him Even More

They were each other’s “person” for the entire ten years Cristina was on the show and there was amazing chemistry between Ellen Pompeo and Sandra Oh. Whether they were dancing it out or getting through to each other when no one else could, it’s safe to say that neither would’ve survived without the other.

8 “Oh, screw beautiful. I’m brilliant. If you want to appease me, compliment my brain."

One of Cristina Yang’s best qualities has always been her confidence. It’s not like she doesn’t have the skill to back it up. Of course, she would rather be complimented on her brain than her physical appearance. Many women would prefer to hear about how smart they are versus whether or not someone thinks they’re pretty.

RELATED: Grey’s Anatomy: 10 Storylines That Have Aged Poorly

Cristina said these words to Owen in season 7 and by that point, the guy really should have known better. He and Cristina had been involved for years, so he probably knew her well enough to know how such a compliment would go over.

7 “Don’t let what he wants eclipse what you need. He’s very dreamy, but he’s not the sun. You are.”

Cristina said this to Meredith in reference to her relationship with Derek just before leaving Seattle for good in season 10. We’re still not over it. Mer and Der had built quite a life together, but it had gotten to a point where the former needed to start putting her own dreams ahead of the latter’s career. Cristina gave her some valuable life advice one last time.

RELATED: Grey’s Anatomy: 10 Times The Show Broke Our Hearts

Just because Derek was a dreamboat didn’t mean that Meredith should let him make decisions for her. The next season would be hard on Grey’s most famous couple. Sadly, by the time they worked it out, it would be too late.

6 “I don’t have a sour puss. This is just my face.”

No matter how far we come, there still seems to be this idea that women need to smile all the time. When a patient asked for Cristina’s opinion in season 7, he made the mistake of referring to her as “the one with the sour puss on her face.” Cristina responded with this classic statement.

Luckily, she had April there to back her up, lest anyone think that she was kidding. Again, Cristina was a funny person, but it wasn't too often that she cracked a smile. The patient really was just looking at her face. Cristina wasn’t in a bad mood. She was simply existing.

5 “Shut up. Dance it out.”

When asked about important life lessons learned from Grey’s Anatomy, many fans will tell you they learned the value of “dancing it out.” Whatever was going on in Meredith and Cristina’s life, they could always dance their troubles away, at least for a little while. It was even the way the two women spent their final moments together before Cristina moved away.

This comment was made to Meredith in season 4. She was attempting to talk to Cristina yet again about her troubles with Derek... while Cristina was desperately trying to dance out her own issues. Cristina’s response was completely understandable.

4 “I can do hot in my sleep. I look hot in scrubs. I’m a hot person.”

There’s that trademark Yang confidence again. Cristina said this in season 2 before her first proper date with Burke. The two had been sleeping together but had yet to really see one another outside of the hospital. On top of worrying about what dress to wear, Cristina also had to think of stuff to actually say to him in a completely different context.

RELATED: Grey's Anatomy: 10 Of The Most Relatable Quotes From Alex Karev

Thankfully, Cristina wasn’t really concerned over her appearance at all. Sure, she was nervous about the date, but in terms of looking good for Burke, let’s just say she was feeling pretty self-assured. Obviously, he was already crazy about her anyway.

3 Pretty good is not enough, I wanna be great.

Cristina said this in season 5 and it’s another quote that could’ve only really come from her. Not that everyone else on Grey's wasn’t striving for greatness, but she simply wouldn’t accept anything less. For Cristina, in work and life in general, there was no other option.

RELATED: 10 Characters We Wish Would Return To Grey's Anatomy

It wasn’t just that Cristina wanted to be amazing that made it so. She worked hard and remained steadfast in her goals regardless of what life threw at her. We could all stand to think a little more like Cristina, especially in terms of what we’re capable of. Imagine how much you could accomplish with all that confidence.

2 “Being aware of your crap and actually overcoming your crap are two very different things.”

Here’s some more life advice that Cristina gave to Meredith back in season 4. Self-awareness is indeed an important part of the process, but it certainly doesn’t mean that you’ve actually dealt with your issues. Meredith was aware of her “dark and twisty” nature for quite some time before she actually made some real progress.

RELATED: Grey's Anatomy Characters Sorted Into Their Hogwarts Houses

It is true that you can’t fix something until you know it’s broken, but it’s still an uphill battle. Meredith was extremely lucky to have her person beside her for so much of her difficult Grey’s Anatomy journey. Both Meredith and fans would be delighted if Dr. Yang ever returned, even for just a single episode.

1 “Sometimes the future changes quickly and completely, and we’re left with only the choice of what to do next..." 

"We can choose to be afraid of it, to stand there trembling not moving, assuming the worst that can happen or we can step forward into the unknown and assume it will be brilliant.”

Much like Cristina had words of wisdom for Meredith before she left town, Dr. Yang also had some advice for the viewer. Everything in Cristina’s life was about to change and that’s absolutely terrifying. She could’ve chosen to remain where she was out of fear, but instead, she left behind her job, the man she loved and her person behind when she moved out of Seattle.

What Cristina said is so true. Isn’t it better to assume that what comes next will be amazing rather than unbearable? If we imagine the former, it’s almost impossible to breathe, let alone make a move. Cristina persevered and so can we.

NEXT: Grey's Anatomy: 10 Meredith Grey Quotes We Can All Relate To

source https://screenrant.com/greys-anatomy-cristina-yang-quotes-tv-show/

[persona4ismoving]

Dear Evan Hansen Is A Mediocre Spectacle At Best-- And Here’s Why.

Dear Evan Hansen is a musical that hit Broadway for it’s opening night December 4th, 2016. In the time between then and now (roughly six months) it has skyrocketed in popularity. But I don’t have to tell you that. If you’re involved in theatre, no matter to what extent, you’ve most likely seen everything about this musical and have most likely listened to it or watched the bootleg on Stagedork. Dear Evan Hansen has taken the Broadway world by storm and has succeeded Hamilton as the show with the Midas touch, and everyone who engages with this show seems to be amazed with the shiny golden exterior of it. Now, without any disrespect to this musical and it’s fans, I’m here to explain why DEH is less of a gilded spectacle and more of a cardboard box painted in a thick coat of Home Depot’s satin finish yellow paint.

So we start out with the young, eponymous Evan Hansen writing a letter to himself, cheering himself on for the today. Okay. Seems pretty good so far, I guess. We go through a whole song about the moms not knowing how to deal with their children. Uh, okay. Immediately, it shows that these two boys, Connor Murphy and Evan, are neuroatypical. (definition: someone who experiences mental illness or any other neurodivergency.) And this is when the fear sets in for someone like me, who has been experiencing traumatic mental illness since the age of seven when I was homeless. This is the same fear most neuroatypical people feel when they’re engaging in media that centers around mental illness. Will it be handled in a way that’s believable, like Next To Normal? Or will it be handled in a way that glorifies it or otherwise uses it for shock value and/or just to intrigue people who don’t have mental illnesses, like Thirteen Reasons Why? Or, god forbid, it’s handled in a way that demonizes it and makes it scary, like Split?

The first key factor that made me realize that Dear Evan Hansen does not explore mental illness in a way that is believable and compelling was Connor’s violent and unprovoked outburst when he shoved Evan down in the hall, right before Waving Through A Window. Of course people with violent mental illnesses are going to have outbursts. But there was absolutely no reason for this, unless it was just to show that Connor was a big bad crazy violent kid, which is pretty much all of the character building we get since he’s dead within the first twenty minutes of the show. Another prime example of DEH not handling mental illness correctly is as follows: Evan stops taking his anxiety medication which is implied to have been in his life for awhile now and experiences no health repercussions (apparently lying and becoming a self-entitled brat cures anxiety, who knew?) even though he definitely should have gone through some form of withdrawal or something, given any psychoaffective medication changes your brain chemistry. I suppose both of these could have been forgivable, if only this wasn’t a show that centered everything around mental illness. A good source to read up on is here (https://www.theodysseyonline.com/the-media-glorifying-mental-illness) and it sort of covers the bare bones about why the media is covering mental illness so much-- i.e. because Tumblr is making it trendy as hell.

Another major issue is the characters. In my honest opinion, the only likeable characters in the show are Evan’s mom and Zoe Murphy, the sister of late Connor. Connor’s parents were ignorant as best, and truly selfish at the worst (If your son shows violent tendencies in elementary school, and you’re obviously rich, why not put him in therapy and try to help him? But no, that would take away from the “tragic teenager resorts to suicide because nobody cares about them” trope that this show beats to death.) Alana and Jared seem just as selfish as Evan does, even is Alana’s intentions are much more subdued. And as the story progresses, I even begin to hate Evan. How dare this kid do what he’s doing? He’s making a family grieve for the image of a son they never had, he’s exploiting the gruesome tragedy of a young man killing himself to get himself attention and to be a part of something, and he’s treating his hardworking mother like crap. I start getting so excited to see how this is all going to fall apart for Evan, and I hope that he’ll learn his lesson and realize lying was never the thing to do, etc. I mean, it opens up with him talking about “just be yourself” right? So the ending has to be everything blowing up in his face and him starting over again from square one but this time learning to be himself, right? Right? Nope. That’s not what happens. But I’ll get to that.

A major, if not the most major, problem in DEH is the theme. What exactly is the theme? I know it tries to beat you over the head with the ~if you have mental illness you’re not alone~ or ~you will be found~ but how exactly does it show us that? In fact, all I see is a whole story about the world praising and mourning a dead young boy who they never knew, taking his story and twisting it until they can relate to it, and all in all totally glorifying his suicide. Why is this is a message we want to send out to young teenagers (which is definitely the target audience here, since the majority of the fans I’ve come across are fourteen year old girls)? I also only see this dumbass white teenage boy get away with everything for the most part. The only punishment Evan receives is feeling bad a little bit. He didn’t learn his lesson, he barely got any consequences! In the end of the story, our hero is left not really having changed at all. He only gets worse as the story progresses, and the only way that he could have really evolved would be if his mistake had gone nationwide and he was held accountable for it. He even tries to make excuses for himself, and say that everyone just wants to feel a part of something. Alright, join a fucking book club. This is not the way to get involved in something, Evan! I’ve seen people say that, quite literally, DEH saved their lives, and honestly I just don’t see how. If you can see yourself in Evan and his actions, then you might have bigger problems.

My final point that I’d like to make here, and the one that always seems to ruffle the most feathers though it is the most obvious of all, is how much DEH literally exists to make money. Naive teenagers between the ages of 13-15 throw money at this show for merchandise, praise it like it’s the new god on the block, and talk about how Evan is such a soft, cute, anxious boy who should be protected. And I don’t blame them, I didn’t have a critical eye for which things are capitalistically engineered and which things aren’t, but now I can see that DEH falls into the category of being manufactured to be sold to mentally ill people because of how difficult it is to find stories on Broadway that embrace the the idea of mental illness as blatantly as DEH does. I don’t blame the people who love this show. I, too, am starved for media that I can relate to. But DEH is not the basket people should be putting all their money in. It was hastily prepared with a distinct formula for people to attach themselves to. Plain and simple, mental illness is making tons of money, and that’s all DEH is.

Of course there’s good aspects to this show. Ben Platt performs wonderfully, the acting is great, a lot of the music is sort of generic but it’s worth the listen, etc. But please view this show with an objective and critical eye, because I simply do not find this show to be as amazing as the rest of the world thinks it is. Everyone is always entitled to their own opinion and I’m not going for anyone’s throats with this, but I wanted to share my piece

Another good article to read, even if it is a bit cruder than this post, is here. (https://ladygeekgirl.wordpress.com/2017/04/19/dear-evan-hansen-a-tasteless-exercise-in-forgiving-white-male-mediocrity/)

[imagine--buddies]

Tears Over Beers-- Pt. 1

Request!:  "Tears over beers" by modern baseball with James Madison

Paring: James Madison X Reader

Words: 1242 TW: sadness. (im sorry!!) angst

This is our second song fic!! Next part is already finished! So enjoy! THIS IS THE ANGST I’VE BEEN WORKING ON FOR THE PAST FOUR MONTHS!! ENJOY!!!

Part 2

Masterlist

“(Y/n)... you’re staring again.” Your eyes drifted away from your long time crush, , Hercules Mulligan, and back to your best friend, James Madison.

“I’m sorry James, what were you saying?”

“I was saying how Thomas has a game tonight so it’s just us for pizza night, if you’re still up for it.” You tried to focus on his words, but you couldn’t fight the urge to look back to Hercules. The way his eyes lit up when one of his friends made a joke made you melt.

“(Y/n)!”

“I’m listening.” barely. “Hey how about this, we go watch the game, and then after meet Thomas for pizza.”

“You just want to see Mulligan play.”

“Wow, am I not allowed to watch my best friend play?”

“Not when Hercules is involved.”

You were about to respond when the bell interrupted you. You gathered your things and walked with James to Chemistry.

---------------------------------------------------------- You cheered with the crowd as you saw your teams play steadily becoming more and more successful. Thomas handed off the ball to Hercules who took it and ran. The whole of your school's side stood up waiting for Herc to score. It was the first score of the game and already at the end of second quarter. Everyone was on the edge of their seats. “C’mon Hercules... you can do it.” You prayed as you watch the opposing players close in on him. You clenched your fists in anticipation as he drew closer to the end zone.

The opposition was gaining and one of the players were coming up from the side. Hercules was going to get sacked. "LOOK OUT!" It seemed like everyone shouted at the same time. Hercules looked to the side and saw the player. At the last moment he jumped up, just as the player dived towards him. The player missed and the stadium erupted in cheers and boos as Herc landed in the end zone. “YES!” You jumped up and down excitedly, “James, did you see that? It was amazing!” You looked over to your best friend, who didn’t seem as excited as your fellow classmates. in fact, he looked nervous. "What's up with you? That was an amazing play, no?" “Yeah (y/n), it was. Hey it’s halftime, let’s go get concessions.” He responded absentmindedly. You simply shrugged and followed him into the sea of high schoolers.

You took his hand, as if to not lose him, while all the hunger risen teenagers pushed to get to the lines first. You felt James tense at this, but you were too busy watching the football team. They were up to something, and it peaked your interest. Hercules looked like he was looking for someone and Thomas was nowhere to be seen. "Y/n!" James' voice entered your thought and you snapped out of your trance.   “Yeah, James? Is everything okay?” You inched closer to him to study his features, your mom friend tendencies taking over. He looked so nervous right now it was scary. "Can I ask you something?" “You just did.” You laughed, however James was stone-faced. “Alright, go ahead... jokes aside.” You sighed.

He opened his mouth to speak but was cut off by the sound of applause as the band finished their piece. “Thank you to our lovely band!” The announcer came on through the loudspeakers, “By the request of the football team, will Miss (Y/n) (l/n) come to the field please.” "What the fuck?" You whispered as you looked o James for an answer, he shrugged. Everyone else seemed as confused as you as they looked around to see who you were. You moved through the crowd towards the fence that surrounded the track and field. James followed behind you. Everyone in your close vicinity seemed to be whispering as you drew nearer. You held up a hand signaling James to wait as you crossed over onto the muddy field. You were practically shaking right now as you waited in the middle of the field all eyes on you. What was going on? ---------------------------------------------------------- Thomas jogged from the locker room along with the other players from the team. Over his uniform, he had a shirt on. It displayed a question mark. Then, he saw James standing at the fence, and jogged over. "Hey, why didn't you tell me?" "What? I have no idea what's going on." The two of them shared a puzzled look before Thomas was called onto the field by a fellow teammate. "Jefferson, get out here dude! You're gonna miss your cue!" Thomas looked over and saw the football team lining up before (Y/n), their backs to her. It was Lafayette who had called his name. Y/n looked as puzzled as the two of them. "So, I'm guessing this plan is out?" Thomas held up the poster, he and James spent all night making, and gave it to James. He then turned and ran off towards the team. "GOOD LUCK, JAMES." "What? No! Thomas, wait!" But it was too late. One by one, the team turned around, shouting what was on their shirts. You realized the spelled out "homecoming?" With Thomas as the question mark. You laughed at that, but the question still stands. Who is asking you to homecoming? The E and the C split up, and Hercules stepped through the hole. You would've screamed if it wasn't for being shock to silence. Thomas was the same way. He looked over and spotted James. His jaw was slack. 'I'm sorry.' Thomas mouthed, but James didn't see it. He was staring at Hercules and Y/n as she jumped with joy into Herc's arms. That was supposed to be him... He felt sick. He wanted to run away, but his brain won't let him. All he could do was stare as you looked adoringly at another guy. Today that was supposed to change. It was supposed to change. "James!" Suddenly (Y/n) was next to him again and the football team was focusing back on the game. Everyone else was going back to their seats. He looked back down at you. "That was unexpected." You laughed. Your face was still trying to cool down, you were so flustered."Tell me about it..." James breathed out, eyes still fixed on where you were. The moment was replaying over and over in both of your heads. For different reasons. "Hey, what was it that you wanted to ask me?" You turned your focus away from the game to your friend.

James looked at the bouquet of (f/f) in your arms. "Nothing... Nevermind. I-I'm happy for you." “Thank you.” You smiled, and it became wider as you had another thought. “Hey, maybe I can get the sisters to help me out.” James didn't answer, and you didn't mind. The rest of the game went by fast for you but slow for him. In the end, you left him to go congratulate Hercules on his win, and Thomas took your place.

Once you were out of earshot, Thomas immediately started apologizing, “Dude, I'm sorry, I thought that was your plan and that you changed-”

“It's okay.” James cut him off. “It's fine. I’m just gonna go home.”

“What about pizza?”

“She seems a little busy and I’m tired. I’m going home. See you Monday.”

“Yeah, see you Monday.”

Thomas watched as James got in his car and drove away. Thomas sighed and headed towards the locker room.

it was at this point that i gave up ~ Eliza

And I kept going... LET THE SUFFERING CONTINUE ~Peggy

Part 2

Masterlist

[rachelbethhines]

The Antoine and Bunnie Retrospective - 134

“Sonic’s Angels” - Sonic the Hedgehog #152

So this is quite the controversial issue for many reasons. Mainly because of the way it resolves the whole Evil Sonic mucking with Sonic’s love life plot. In that it doesn’t resolve anything.  

The freedom fighters are sent on a mission to stop a bunch of nanites from destroying the ecosystem. And the group is split into two teams, the “brain trust” (ie the smart guys) and the psychical fighters. Only without the Chaotix or Antoine around, most of the heavy hitters are all women save Sonic himself. 

This leads into my first problem with story and possibility with the whole of the Sonic franchise. There aren’t any super smart women! 

In all of the games, cartoons, and the majority of the comics (I haven’t read Fleetway so forgive me if I’m wrong) most women in the franchise can be roughly categorized into five groups. 

The Cute Bruiser or Action Girl - Amy, Bunnie, Julie-Su, Barby ect. 

The Serious No Nonsense Leader or Loner - Lupe, Sally, Madonna, Topaz, Blaze, Shade ect. 

The Innocent - Hope, Maria, Cream, Elise, Tikal, Mina, That genie from Sonic and Secret Rings, ect. 

The Femme Fatale - Rouge, Breezie, Fiona, Lin-da ect. 

The Mothers - Vanilla, Rosie, Bernie, Lara-Le, Aleena ect. 

There’s nothing inherently wrong with any the above tropes and it’s good there are enough differences between theses characters to make them unique from one another.  But it’s telling that the only genius women, like Wave and Relic, are fairly new additions to the franchise. ( I think Fleetway has one, Tenko, I believe?) And anyone else who doesn’t fit into theses categories are often outliers like Sarah, Merlina, Regina, Sonia, Marine, or Sticks. (though Sticks is becoming more prominent) 

Basically what I’m getting at is, due to the nature of the series, there’s an over abundance of psychically strong women and few that have equal but differentiating strengths. Especially since the innocents tend to be plot points and/or motivators for male characters. Cream and Mina being the exceptions. 

So I can’t really fault Penders for wanting to do a story that highlights the fact that over half of the comic’s warriors are women. But I can gripe about how he merely uses them to further forced relationship drama and how none of them, save Bunnie, actually do anything productive. With character’s like Mina being outright redundant with the comic actually stating that she is. 

So what does Bunnie do? Well she get captured by the nanites who thinks she can be converted into the collective because of her cybernetic limbs. 

Now I don’t have a problem with this scene necessarily, unlike many others who seem to, and here’s why....

It’s a logical conflict that’s true to the unique nature of the characters. Robotization already involves natnite technology and Bunnie is one of only two people in the world who still has this technology present in their biological system.   

This ties into Bunnie’s already established internal conflict about her identity but puts a new spin on it where she realizes that who she is now is better then some of the other alternatives out there. This could also potentially tie into future conflicts as her cybernetics could be considered a danger to herself but it’s not one that’ll come up often.  

Some have argued this scene is too “intense” for children but I grew up with late 80s/early 90s cartoons where crap like this was deemed ok. 

I’m of the mind that as long as it doesn’t involve outright gore and has a happy ending you can go as dark as you want with kids and they’ll be fine. Usually. I do recognize that there are exceptions to this rule. 

Last off, there is a happy ending and she’s not permanently psychically harmed by the event.

No, what I have a problem with is what happens after she’s freed. 

Ya see Sonic outwits the nanties with logic in order to free Bunnie. 

Grateful and relieved to be herself once more, Bunnie gives him a kiss. 

Now this isn’t a problem within of itself so much as every thing revolving around it is awful. Bunnie’s already interested and Sonic and believes he has feelings for her because of Scourge lying to her and Sonic himself is unaware of both Scourge’s actions and Bunnie’s new found feelings. So instead of responding to this action in an believable manner or trying to to set the record straight he just goes along with it. So I guess they’re dating now, only no, wait, they’re not, because they never follow up on this ever! 

This is indicative of a larger problem within the Sonic franchise as whole. I mean, yes, it’s also because Penders is mainly a shit writer, but hear me out. From Ben Hurst to Pontaff, 90% of conflicts in Sonic are reactionary. Most characters simply react or respond to events going on around them. Rarely does a character initiate conflict themselves. The few that do, Eggman, Lyric, Metal Sonic, ect. often have very base motivations and rely heavily on mindless monsters to do their dirty work. 

(Note: I do know there are exceptions to this rule such as Shadow in SA2 or Merlina in SatBK) 

In short most Sonic stories tend to be Overcoming the Monster plots. Therefore, external conflicts like Man vs Technology or Man vs Supernatural works for the most part. However when trying to introduce any other potential conflicts, like say love triangles, the writers tend to cock it all up because they’re still running off of that reactionary mindset. 

In order for a Man vs Man conflict to work, which is what relationship drama is based off of, then characters have to have basic motivations, make consciousness decisions, and initiate action. The conflict then comes from two or more characters having conflicting desires and needs.     

By having outside forces like Scourge and Patch be the instigators of the love triangles you then take way any agency on behalf of the other characters involved. They merely become participants reacting to events rather then characters with real agency. 

Now I still defend Penders idea to turn Evil Antoine into Anti-Antoine as Bollers original plan also had that same lack of agency problem with having the Source of All be the manipulator of events. But the entire Bunnie/Sonic/Antoine/Sally triangle is such wasted potential. Because there is a story to be told there, it just required everyone to maintain their agency.     

Bare with me if you will as I explain how I would have written out this love triangle. 

Sonic is believed to be dead and trapped in space as in the real comic. Meanwhile Antoine becomes more serious and over protective as he doesn’t want to lose anybody else. He spends more time training and becomes something of a workaholic. He also becomes more attentive of Sally as she’s in mourning and in need of friend. He and Bunnie grow ever more distant as his new goals shifts his focus away from her.  It’s not that he���s become colder or uncaring, the opposite in fact, but rather they just start spending less and less time with one another. 

When Bunnie confronts him over his obsession, they eventual, but reluctantly, agree that things aren’t working out like the once were and break up. Or at the very least agree to give each other some space to figure things out. During all of this Sally and Antoine become even closer as they find they confine in each other about their problems. Then Sonic returns. 

Every thing in Home plays out more or less the same minus some bitching between Bunnie and Antoine and less slapping on Sally’s part.But the end result is Sally realizing that, while she does still love Sonic, they have very different goals in life and he’s not ready to commit the way she needs him to. But Antoine is. He’s been the study rock she’s leaned on and her shoulder to cry on for nearly a year now. And after his break up with Bunnie they’ve only gotten closer. So eventually after her break up with Sonic, they start dating. 

So that leaves Bunnie and Sonic both feeling lonely and dejected. Since they’re already friends and now have some common ground with their former significant others braking things often to date each other. Well you could see how they would eventually become closer, and may even agree to try dating one another. 

From there you have multiple ways which this could pan out. You could have the clean “happy” ending where everyone eventually realizes who they really love and both couples return to the original status quo. You could have the bitter sweet complex ending where only one couple works out and the others are left to grow from their experiences. Either Bunnie and Antoine get back together, leaving Sonic and Sally to press on, or have Sally and Antoine remain a couple and Sonic and Bunnie break up to figure out who they are without a relationship to depend on. You could also have Sonic wind up permanently with either Sally or Bunnie and leave Antoine and one of the other girls alone, but knowing Sonic it seems unlikely. Finally you can have the unhappy ending where none of the potential pairings work out. 

Either way, regardless of the outcome, the story becomes more compelling as the motivations involved stem from real issues, not evil forces manipulating events. No one turning out to be evil, no one losing their shit and slapping someone just force a plot point, no miscommunication driving the conflict, and no one responding to events just because, but rather making active decisions. It’s people learning to deal with life and how it changes  both themselves and others. Its real, complex, and mature. And because all of the people involved are already close friends with established histories and chemistry; any of the potential outcomes makes internal sense regarding the characters. 

Well enough fanfiction, back to the issue at hand. 

Since Sonic “out logic-ed” the nanites they release everybody. Meaning the rest of the girls didn’t have use Snively’s plan to short circuit the city. Oh yes, did I not mention that Sinvely’s in this and by the end he’s now joined the Freedom Ftighers? Yeah he’s here now and no one manages to accomplish anything, making the rest of girls completely pointless and the “brain trust” a good three or four too many. 

That’s it for this weeks review so tune in next time on the retrospective as we dive even deeper into the final days of Penders run. 

[researching01]

How To Overcome Anxiety and Feel More at Ease (Part 1)

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How To Overcome Anxiety and Feel More at Ease (Part 1)

Anxiety ailments are the most prevalent mental health challenge we face. Globally, an estimated 275 million people, or 4 % of the population, were affected in 2016. (( Our World in Data: Anxiety Disorders )) In the U.S ., 18.1% of the adult population suffers every year and 30% of people will experience nervousnes at some phase .(( Anxiety And Depression Association of America: Facts& Statistics )) Anxiety ailments touch 25.1% of children between 13 and 18 years old and women are almost twice as likely to experience anxiety ailments than males.

So if you’re feeling anxious or suffering from anxiety, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Not merely is anxiety highly common, it is also highly treatable. Yet less than half of people suffering seek treatment.

Having been there myself, I know it is scary, confusing, frustrating and difficult. At periods, it feels like it’s going to suffocate you or swallow you whole; and you fear you’ll never feel like yourself again.

I recollect a day when I stands at the front door sobbing because I didn’t want my husband to leave for work in the morning. It was not me. I have always been laid back, easygoing and fearless. And all of a sudden I was anxious, scared and full of fear.

What attained it even worse was feeling scared I would feel that way forever. I remember calling a good friend on my route home one day from therapy. She’d suffered from anxiety too. I’ll never forget it what she told me. It was a turning point in my healing. “It WILL get better; you won’t always feel like this. I know it feels like it now, but you won’t. I promise, you will get better”. Those terms resonated profoundly and stuck with me through the toughest of periods. I desperately needed to know there was hope.

Everyone I’ve spoken to who’s suffered from anxiety says something similar. I thought it would never end. I supposed I was going to have to live like that forever( and I knew I couldn’t ). I has no such idea how I was going to get out of it. But they all been through this it.

In this article, I’ll share real tales and recommendations from those who have been through anxiety, as well as tips-off and strategies from mental health professionals.

All of them share one common sentiment: anxiety is common and can be treated. If you can summon up the strength and gallantry to take a few steps out of the darkness, you will find light.

So if you’re out there wondering if you will EVER get through this, wondering if you will EVER feel like yourself again, wondering if this will EVER end…It CAN and it WILL.

For those of you facing anxiety on any level, my hope is that you find at least one of these stories, strategies or resources helpful and supportive in running through your own process and journey.

What Is Anxiety? People use the term’ anxiety’ to describe everything from a stressful impression or situation to a severe feeling of anxiety, and even anxiety assaults which can come out of nowhere and closely mimic the same symptoms of a heart attack.

According to David Carbonell, PhD .( The Anxiety Coach ): “Anxiety is a set of feelings, thinks, and physical sensations typically centered on some dread about a future event or potential instance. Anxiety is an ordinary emotion which is part of life. We would have trouble functioning without it.

An anxiety ailment, on the other hand, is a condition in which a person has literally become afraid of their experiences of nervousnes and tries to resist and avoid those experiences in ways that attain the problem worse rather than better. People develop an nervousnes disorder for various reasons. It seems clear that there are genetic predispositions to develop them. People who score high on a measure of’ anxiety sensitivity’ are more prone to develop one.” There are several major nervousnes ailments including Panic Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, and specific phobias of all kinds. When talking about overcoming anxiety, since there are such differing levels and degrees of what that means, there are also varying levels of treatment and supporting .(( Anxiety and Depression Association of America: Understand the Facts ))

What Causes Anxiety? Here’s the technical answer from Jennie Morton: “The experience of anxiety has emerged from a cascade of events that are triggered in the body by the activation of the sympathetic nervous system( or battle/ flight mechanism) in response to a threat. This is a very natural reaction that is designed to ensure our survival when under assault from a predator. An area of our brain called the amygdala acts as a kind of’ smoke detector’ for environmental menaces and plays a key role in triggering the fight or flight response.

The amygdala (( Science Daily: Amygdala )) is also involved in emotional learning and, based on our experiences from childhood onward, will label certain places, people, situations, etc. as either safe or unsafe.

So while for many the experience of nervousnes may seem irrational or illogical, there will be a reason why the amygdala has chosen to spark this sensation. Somewhere along the line it put a red flag warning on an event or even just a particular aspect of a threatening situation which it is then conditioned to repeat.” In my experience, if you’re suffering from anxiety, something bigger is going on. Anxiety is not the problem. Anxiety is a symptom of something.

There are many complex and varying causes for anxiety, including;

Life experiences and events( including trauma)

Genetics and upbringing

Brain chemistry

Medical conditions( including blood sugar imbalance, thyroid dysfunction and gut imbalance/ food sensitivities ), and

Forms of stress including unhealthy relationships, demanding tasks, and financial obligations.

More often than not, anxiety is a sign you are out of alignment or out of balance in some way shape or kind- mentally, emotionally, physically or even spiritually.

It’s your body’s way of telling you something isn’t’ functioning. Something is not right. Our bodies are quite amazing. They have a way of telling us to slow down, do something different, pay attention or make a change. And if we don’t listen, guess what? They scream louder. And often, they speak the language of nervousnes. Remember, anxiety is a message. To honor this message, seem deeper into what may be out of balance in your body, as well as your life. This may feel scary at first, but remember, the life you want is on the other side of dread! — Dr. Kelly Brogan How to Heal Your Anxiety I’d like to introduce Erica Phillipson. Erica is a Graphic Artist, Yoga Instructor& Retreat Facilitator( and former Club DJ& Radio Show Host ).

Here, she shares her personal narrative and recommendations for overcoming anxiety:

At the height of my anxiety, I thought I would never get through it. I didn’t simply have anxiety, I had Panic Disorder. On bad days, I would have 6 or 7 panic attack. They would sometimes last for over an hour and often it would take me a few hours to recover. The trauma I experienced took a toll on me both physically and psychologically. Eventually, everything became too much for me. I didn’t want to get too excited/ nervous/ scared, I didn’t want to set myself in any situation that could trigger my anxiety, I didn’t want to leave the house. I felt like I had short-circuited. I even got to a phase where I would worry that merely thinking about a panic attack was going to bring one on.

I thought it would never objective. But it did. It may have lasted 6 years, but I haven’t had a panic attack for over 6 years now!

Having Panic Disorder pushed me to work through so much’ stuff’. It forced me to really go deep within myself. Seeming back at how much I evolved during that time, I can frankly say that my Panic Disorder has been one of my life’s greatest gifts. Without it, I would have stayed in a career that was not working for me; I would not have found balance in my life; I would still be saying yes when the answer in my heart is no. I would probably not be as grateful for the little things that induce our lives so beautiful; I would not be the person I am today.

I know who I am. I know what I want. I know what I am willing- and not willing- to put up with. I am glad! If I can get through it, you can, too.

This anxiety you are facing is a tool for growth, but you need to be willing to work with it. Your body has given you nervousnes because it is trying to tell you something but you have not been listening. It’s time to listen.

As I went through my healing process, I tried every type of therapy out there, including: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Tapping, Vitamins, Homeopathy, Yoga, Hypnosis, Art procedures, kundalini, Breathwork and drug( for a few months ).

I’m said he hopes that the knowledge I is obtained from these therapies will help you to heal quicker than it took me.

The biggest thing I want you to know is that no one can heal you but you.

Here are my recommendations: 1. Know your triggers. Get to the root issue of what’s not working and what’s causing anxiety.

For me, there were a few triggers. I was working too much , not sleeping, traveling every week and stressed out. I was afraid of flying( from a past experience as a child ), so having to perform in a new city every week became a massive trigger for me.

Living on my own became a trigger because I would arrive home in the early hours of the morning when no one was around( in one of the most dangerous cities in the world, Johannesburg ).

My radio indicate also became a trigger because it was naturally nerve-wracking for me. DJing at clubs became a trigger for me because it’s stressful having to keep a dance floor full and happy.

Compounding these triggers resulted in the perfect recipe for Panic Disorder.

I also use coping mechanisms to keep me running. I would get ready to DJ a present by drinking Coke and a shot of tequila so that I was’ awake and smiling’. Now this may sound extreme, but my guess is many of you have your own versions of this- taking medication for that headache every day, having one too many glasses of wine every night, taking sleeping capsule so you can sleep or drinking style too much coffee to get through the next hour of run. All of those things are masking something that’s not working.

Find out what they are and eliminate those things from your life. Make the changes step by step, and eventually you will begin to understand your anxiety and get what your body is trying to tell you.

It’s not going to be easy, but it’s going to be a heck of a lot easier than living the style you are right now. 2. Find what brings you JOY and add more of that to your life. Discovery what brings you balance, makes you feel good, or brings positivity.

Do what you love. Find things that are aligned with your heart, your soul, your purpose. 3. Surround yourself with people that’ get you’. Unless you’ve had anxiety, you can’t truly understand better how it feels. Not many people got what I was going through.

So many times I suffered panic attacks’ in broad daylight’. I would be hosting my show, DJing to a thousand people, at a fundraiser for the “South African Depression and Anxiety Group”( ironic !), and wouldn’t tell a spirit.

Others would try and help by telling me’ it was going to be ok’ or’ I must think about something else’, but they had NO idea how dark it was. I guessed I was going to die. I guessed I was going to lose my mind and never come back.

It’s important to find your people. Maybe they have gone through it themselves, maybe they just know how to support you unconditionally, perhaps it’s a therapist who can support and normalize what you’re facing.

My husband was my rock, his love helped me mend. My best friend was incredible, she took my panic attack seriously and that meant the world to me. I also determined immense convenience in my puppy, Nala. She genuinely was my emotional support dog. 4. Take care of your body. Eat healthy foods, practise yoga, journal, exercise, breathwork, sleep … These were critical in my healing. 5. Acceptance. When I stopped opposing my panic attacks and faced them, they moved through me much more quickly.

Being aware of what has triggered you and how you are feeling will help you to gain perspective and slowly. But, surely you will understand that you are safe and nothing is going to happen to you. 6. Get to know yourself. This was the single most important factor of my healing. So much of my nervousnes was caused from being out of alignment with who I was, I had to get REAL.

I procured myself in a life that was NOT working for me. I was in a job that wasn’t me. It was glamorous, fun and astonishing from the outside; it looked like the dreaming task. But it wasn’t me. It wasn’t what I wanted to do or how I wanted to do it.

I had to look at who I was, what I wanted in life and what genuinely made me happy. I had to dig into my faiths, values, and moral compass.

Please, as you go through this, don’t be so hard on yourself. Be gentle and nurturing. This is a process and takes time. There is no one way to heal from nervousnes. The root cause is different for different people and the solution will be as well. Try everything. Note what works and let go of what doesn’t.

Lastly, consider that the universe might just be giving you a gift. Maybe say to yourself: “Here’s a gift. It’s called anxiety. Let’s insure what it brings me”. I hope I had that perspective and I hope it helps you.” Conclusion I love Erica’s incredible story and am so thankful she’s shared it with us. It’s a poignant reminder that there’s a reason you have anxiety and that there are things you can do to overcome it.

Personally, I addressed my anxiety from an integrative, holistic approach as well. I stepped back and assessed my life and looked at what needed to happen mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. I went to therapy, worked with a coach, made some important life changes, got bodywork, read books, did yoga, and practiced meditation.

I learned grounding techniques. I changed my eating. I cut out alcohol, caffeine and artificial sweeteners. I tried everything I could get my hands on. I maintained what worked for me and let go of what didn’t.

I was able to work through my nervousnes too…and though I can’t pinpoint exactly what helped the most, I know it was this integrative, multi-faceted approach that made a difference.

Today, I wouldn’t say I’m back to my old self. I’d say I’m happy to be my new ego.

As Nietzsche so wisely said many years ago, “That which does not kill me induces me stronger”.

It’s true. My experience with nervousnes has helped me evolve into the more conscious, thoughtful, connected and compassionate person I am today.

For those of you facing anxiety on different levels, my hope is that these stories and suggestions are supportive in helping you work through your own process so you can move forward and uncover that ‘gift’ Erica spoke about.

Your next step? Take a step forward — any step. That may entail trying one of the techniques you’ve read here or reaching out for help. There are many forms of fantastic therapies that can help – but they can only work if you do.

Don’t miss PART 2 of the Anxiety Series which includes additional stories and lots of great strategies from mental health professionals and experts.

And below are some additional resources to support you in your healing. Resources and Websites Therapists If you’re experiencing persistent and excessive levels of anxiety, I highly recommend you reach out to your doctor, therapist or specialist for support.

To find a therapist near you, reach out to someone you trust who can make a recommendation, contact one of our professionals above or find someone here:

Anxiety Disorders Association of America

Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies

Additional Websites

Anxiety and Depression Association of America

The Anxiety Coach

MarisaPeer.com

Kelly Brogan

Best Anxiety Blog 2019

National Institute of Mental Health

Read more: lifehack.org