#it broke my heart but I didn't want to stable her forever

[arthursfuckinghat]

Arthur and Honey Puff 𑁦𐂂𑁦 Lake Isabella

[archangeldyke-all]

Hi! I really love your writing!

I've stumbled upon your account accidentally - I've never read anything with Sevika before (when I first watched Arcane I didn't really appreciate her, and I didn't read any arcane x reader anyway), and I'm very glad I did.

Your reader feels real. The way you write her speech, actions and reactions is liberating for me in a sense that your reader is her own person with agency, desires and common fucking sense. She feels like an adult, stable, secure in herself and grounded in reality. I also appreciate that in smut your reader still has her agency and her enthusiasm is not some filling of a stereotype (not a brat or a domme or something else), but a genuine depiction of confidence and comfort in her own skin.

I usually see the reader as a character, and the way your voice as a writer shines through every one of the readers creates a picture of the reader in my head (I usually think she has a pony tail and a very stubborn mouth).

After reading your works I saw Sevika in a different light (I rewatched scenes with her to refresh my memories): she is caring and passionate and loyal, exactly like you depict her. (She also gives me tired grandpa energy) She feels real too, with her own personality, and honestly, you pulled off some of your reqs I'd never even think about being possible to write, dare I say, authentically? with the way you write Sevika, but you did it and I enjoyed every bullet point. (stuffie one broke my heart even though when I saw the title I wasn't really sure I'd like it).

So thank you again for your writing, it really brightens up my day!

(I'm currently reading Middlemarch and Virginia Wolf called it a novel for adults and I feel like your writing is x reader for adults 😂)

jesus this ask took my fucking breath away. thank you so fucking much for such a sweet, thoughtful ask holy fuck. oh my god. i'm so fucking glad i could shed a new light on sevika, and i'm SO fucking glad you like the way i write reader! i try so hard for her to be someone we can all aspire to be like-- someone relatable and flawed but still confident in herself and kind and unafraid to speak her mind. the fact that my reader has helped you feel a bit more liberated and brightens your day?? that's like the best fucking thing i've ever heard. i'm crying major happy tears right now, thank you so much. also, sevika is the tiredest grumpiest grandpa ever you're so fucking right!

you have no idea how encouraging, uplifting, and sweet this was to read, thank you so much for taking the time to give me such a lovely message, i'll be thinking about this forever and ever and ever. so many kisses for you babe (consensual of course) and a hug if you don't want them <3333333333

[eskalations]

"I've always known that I was a big target for them - almost as big as Erwin himself - but I never thought they would go after my own daughter." Levi released a dark chuckle at this, closing his eyes in disbelief. 'I can't believe my stupidity. The Titans have cut down families before, I don't know what made me think that mine would be any different."

(Rivetra AU where Petra is a pediatric nurse and Levi is a single father)

Hello! Wow oh wow! I haven't written since August and this oneshot definitely made it more obvious. Originally it was only supposed to be about 5,000 words but it soon grew into the monster that it is now. Will it stay a oneshot forever? I don't know...but for now, it is what it is! Editing this was a nightmare, so I apologize for any missed mistakes, as well as my poor writing skills that have been underutilized for quite some time.

I hope regardless of that, you will still enjoy this! I just finished AOT and this couple's story absolutely gripped my heart. Here you go, Rivetra fandom!

As always, reviews are MUCH appreciated. So please be sure to tell me what you think!

-

Petra Ral was NOT having a good day.

While she had been a night nurse for several years now, her penchant for making rookie mistakes was almost as bad as it had been when she started. Upon crashing into bed at seven this morning, she had completely forgotten to set her alarm for later in the day. Hence, why she was running through the streets of Paradis like a madwoman.

Her co-workers were less than impressed with her dramatic entry onto the ward. Nanaba was glaring at her over the top of the counter, while Nifa bristled from beside the employee water tower.

"Really, Petra?" The spunky redhead commented in a low, disapproving tone - watching as the other ginger woman threw her bag down onto the floor beneath the desk and hurriedly began to punch in her time. "This oversleeping thing is getting pretty old, considering it's six in the afternoon, not six in the morning."

Petra held back a growl as she fumbled with her card, sticking it into the machine but not getting any response due to the shakiness of insertion. Finally, she heard a click and withdrew the parchment. With her heart still racing like mad after her dash up the stairs, she dropped in exhaustion into a vacant chair.

“You say that - “ Petra spoke for the first time since entering Paradis Hospital, her usual chipper voice hoarse from her ragged breathing. “ - but you’re not the one who worked a 12-hour shift yesterday. You were too busy working on that boyfriend of yours to even - "

“Shhhhhh!” Nifa’s face glowed scarlet as she shushed the young woman, her pale skin heating at the vulgar comment. Nanaba just laughed quietly at her friend’s embarrassment, turning her attention back to the file in front of her. All the nurses and doctors bustling about around the counter paid the girls no mind, used to the familiar banter between the three.

"Say what you want about Nifa's love life," Nanaba bristled, pulling out another form from the file in front of her for closer observation. The blonde's eyes cut towards Petra, disapproval evident in her tone. "But your the one who's late today. We had a pretty intense case come into the ward too from emergency."

“What?!” Petra yelped, her nurse’s instincts kicking in instantly at Nananba’s words. Despite her still heaving chest, the young woman sat up straighter to observe the report that was being handed over to her. “Is the child okay?”

"She's stable." Nanaba offered, turning back to the folder on her desk to grab a few more forms. "However, she's going to need to be watched closely throughout the night. The poor thing was stabbed and the blade had poison on it."

Petra wished she could act shocked, but she wasn’t. Paradis Hospital received several stab cases a day due to the gang violence in the area. The Titans certainly weren’t pulling any of their punches when it came to looting. Regardless of whether their victim was eight or eighty, they would steal from anyone with a bit of coin in their pocket.

Stabbings weren't super common on the pediatric ward, but common enough that all the staff who bustled about barely batted an eye at the thought of such an injury being treated on the floor.

"She's already been stitched up and the antidote for the poison has been administered - but, the emergency department sent her up here for monitoring, just in case she relapses," Nifa explained, now leaning over the counter to read the forms Nanaba still held in her hands. The blonde threw her an exasperated look.

“She’s not your patient, so stop being so damn nosy.”

"Well, I've never - " Nifa scoffed at the blonde's scathing tone, though Petra could hear the amusement behind it. "Sorry, for wanting to dedicate my life for the next 12-hours to a hot man with a nice - oh, I mean to a sweet little girl with a -"

"Nifa!" Petra exclaimed, catching on to what the young woman was implying. "Don't tell me you're trying to hit on a little girl's father while she's bedridden in the hospital! Have you no shame?"

“Not really!”

Even Nanaba laughed at Nifa's answer.

"Well, too bad for you, since you have a boyfriend." The blonde reminded her, to which the red-headed nurse simply stuck out her tongue. " - and  Petra has been assigned to be her nurse."

“Me?” Petra had the gall to act surprised, but her friends simply rolled their eyes at her modest response.

“Oh please!" Nifa sighed, crossing her arms over the counter to once again lean closer to the girls on the other side. One of the older doctors, a man with grey hair and spectacles, eyed her disapprovingly as he passed. Nifa didn't even spare him a glance. "While you may be a notorious flake when it comes to arriving on time, it's no secret that they entrust you with the higher priority cases on the ward."

Nifa was right - it wasn't a secret. Since graduating at the top of her class in nursing school, she had always been highly respected for not only her knowledge but bedside manner, as well. Just last year, she had received an award for having the highest satisfaction rate on her floor. Now, if only she could show up to work on time…

“- he’s really short, but his eyes - wow!" Petra was brought back from her thoughts by Nifa's words. Nanaba was shaking her head as she wrote a note down in one of her patient files, trying to tune out the girl's excessive praise. "He's got that rough around the edges look, yet is put together and clean and - "

"I hate to cut you off in the middle of your fantasy - " Petra commented before standing and collecting the patient papers from the desk. "- but I have patients to take care of."

Nifa's mouth popped open in shock, her expression quickly turning to one of disbelief at the sight of Petra's teasing look.

“Says the girl who was LATE!”

Petra chuckled, shrugging her shoulders as she rushed off to her first patient's room, ready to begin her shift with newfound energy. Despite her exhaustion from the night before and the soreness in her limbs, she couldn't approach the job she loved with anything less than excitement and positivity.

Maybe it would be a good day after all.

-

Upon entering Heidi Ackerman's room twenty minutes later though, Petra was once again lamenting the horrible luck that seemed to be plaguing her during the past twenty-four hours.

It wasn't the child who was causing her such discomfort, but her father.

After having checked on and familiarizing herself with the low-risk patients she had been assigned, Petra finally decided to introduce herself to the latest Titan's stab victim that was residing on her ward. Checking the young girl's forms before entering the room, the nurse noticed that the child was due for a round of medication soon anyways.

‘Perfect,' Petra thought to herself while turning the knob of the door. 'If I take care of her medications now, I won’t have to return for another hour and then I can go check on - ‘

Petra's thoughts were interrupted by the sight that met her upon entry to the room.

Nifa wasn’t kidding - the guy was short. Like, really short.

Petra rarely met a male anywhere close to her height - so, the short stature of the figure that stood by the lone window of the room, instantly caught her attention.

The second thing that caught her attention? His looks.

While the man was certainly not attractive by societal standards, his piercing gaze was enough to stop any woman in her path. His eyes were grey and heavily hooded by pale white lids and beneath his stare, lay two dark bags that spoke of a restless nature. Despite the blatant signs of exhaustion, his dark hair lay near perfect across his forehead, the shaved lower half of it buzzed in an undercut fashion.

He was captivating and terrifying all at once.

“Oi, are you just going to stand there?”

His gravelly, low voice broke her from her analysis, jolting her back to reality as he shifted his posture to a more casual stance. Whereas he once stood rigid, he now placed a hand on his hip and schooled his features to resemble something more akin to indifference.

Realizing she had never responded, Petra suddenly jumped into action.

"Oh!" She smiled awkwardly, not quite feeling like her usual self. Typically, talking to patients and their families wasn't so difficult for her, but this guy was unlike her usual clientele. He practically exuded indifference and didn't look very interested in receiving an answer to what she had to assume was a rhetorical question - but Petra did not care. "Hello, my name's Petra Ral, I'll be the night nurse for Miss Heidi."

As if saying her name had reminded her of exactly why she was standing there in the first place, Petra turned her smiling face towards the bed, trying not to show her concern as her gaze fell on the small child.

Heidi Ackerman at five years old had experienced more pain in the past several hours than some adults would face in their entire lifetime. While the child's sweet features could still be seen over the top of the crisp white blankets, the pained lines of her forehead spoke of a quiet distress that had taken a hold of her and refused to let go.

Petra ached to go towards her - however, a snide remark from the man on the other side of the room had her pausing.

“You’re going to attend my child looking like that?” Disgust was evident in the man’s tone as he gave her a once over from top to bottom. “Ever heard of an iron?”

The young woman could feel her face go red at his comment, her eyes glancing down at the outfit she typically wore during her shift - a white nurses uniform, tights, and white slip-ons. The front of her outfit was pristine white - however, the bottom of her skirt had a set of small wrinkles. Petra went redder as she realized that in her confusion to get dressed after having slept in, she had picked up her uniform from the previous night that had been lying atop of the hamper.

Most people wouldn't even have noticed her slightly used uniform, but somehow this man had called her out on it, despite it only having had a few wrinkles of use embedded in the fabric.

Petra was furious. Of course, she wasn't going to show it, since she was a professional - but she couldn’t help but bite back, even if it was just a little.

“Yeah - well you aren’t looking too good either, so I guess we're even.”

The man cocked an eyebrow at her comment, before looking down at himself to see what she was talking about.

In Petra's defense, she hadn't actually looked at the man's clothes. When she had entered the room, she had been so distracted by his face, that she hadn't even gotten the opportunity. But, as he looked down at himself in search of the reason for her comment, Petra was able to give him a once over too. After examining his outfit of choice, Petra had to bite back a groan from the error of her comment.

He was dressed immaculately, wearing a dark brown leather jacket with a white shirt underneath and a pair of slender black jeans on the bottom. On his feet, were a pair of shiny, black combat boots that looked as though they had been polished that very morning.

However, the state of his clothes was not the reason Petra wanted the Earth to swallow her whole. It was the substance on the front of his shirt.

Blood.

“Tch," The man clicked his tongue, having caught sight of the dried, red blood covering his otherwise pristine white shirt. "I guess my child's blood isn't the best accessory to wear, huh?"

Fully embarrassed by her comment, Petra immediately stuck out her hands in defense, forms and all.

“Sir, I’m sorry. I truly didn’t mean - “

“I’m sure.” The words were said with such a quiet finality, that the woman felt her tongue grow heavy in her mouth. Not knowing what else to say, the room fell into an awkward silence that even Petra’s vivacious personality couldn’t conquer.

Perhaps, she had officially met her match.

The man continued to stare at her with his slate-gray eyes as the silence drug on - however, they were both interrupted from their thoughts by a quiet cough coming from the bed.

‘That’s right!’ Petra thought, a newfound energy taking hold of her as she returned her attention to the small patient residing in the bed. ‘She’s the reason I’m here.’

"Sorry, Miss Heidi!" Petra adopted her usual, chipper tone as she approached the child, already glancing at the chart that had been left on the wall at her side. While the form should have match the one she had been given, she wasn't one to cut corners, so she began to read over it to check for any additional information that could have been missed. "Your father and I are rudely neglecting you. Are you in any pain at the moment?"

While most children instantly brightened at the ginger's easygoing bedside manner - Heidi, much like her father, was not acting like a typical patient. Instead of answering, the small, dark-haired girl remained silent, glancing over at the woman with the same hooded gray eyes as her father.

Petra found the whole thing incredibly unnerving. To keep herself busy, she began to check the young girl's vitals. As she glanced over the numbers, she snuck a peek at her charge who still lay silent in the hospital bed.

Despite her lack of response to Petra's earlier question, the woman could see from the lines of distress on the girl's forehead that something was bothering her. She knew from the child's file that she had been slashed with a knife across the stomach and had been on the receiving end of an incredibly deadly poison. There probably wasn't much on her body that didn't hurt at this point.

Although she knew that the young girl must be in pain, the silence continued to grow as the two females in the room kept their gazes locked on the other.

Finally, Heidi turned to her father, who had been watching the scene unfold from his designated spot by the window. The girl's eyes shone with nothing short of fear as she appeared to silently communicate with her father. While the look on the poor child's features caused Petra's heart to clench, the man by the window merely bristled at his daughter's behavior.

"Stop trying to be tough, brat." His voice was rough, the edge in his tone similar to what it had been a minute ago. However, Petra was relieved to note a slight gentleness to his words that hadn't been present in their earlier conversation. "There's no reason to hide your pain if you're feeling any."

While the young nurse imagined any normal child would flinch at such words being thrown at them after having experienced such trauma - Heidi just blinked at her father's comment, almost as if pondering the meaning behind it.

Petra was about to jump in, having seen quite enough of the man's crass attitude towards his daughter, when the little girl finally spoke. Feebly, but with conviction.

“My stomach burns.”

Unlike her father's voice, Heidi had a sweet, slightly high-pitched voice, that would have had Petra cooing, had it not been for the current predicament the child was in.

“That’s to be expected.” The ginger responded understandingly, wanting the girl to know that she was someone she could trust over the next twelve hours. “What if I told you that I have some medicine that could make it feel better? Would you like that, Miss Heidi?”

Heidi hesitated for a moment, pulling the crisp white blanket up to her chin, almost acting like she was ashamed for having to take medicine. However, only a few beats passed before she nodded in response to the young woman's question.

"Perfect!" Petra's smile grew, the genuine kindness that typically radiated from her, shining from the depths of her chestnut eyes. "You're going to need a drink to help you wash down your pills - and I know they may taste a little nasty - so, how about I get you a juice to make it just a little bit better?"

As though a switch had been flipped, Heidi’s pale hands dropped the sheet covering the lower half of her face, revealing a tiny, rosebud mouth opened in shock. The dull gray of her eyes that had been so flat just a few moments ago, sparkled at the prospect of such a treat.

It made Petra’s heart clench once again.

The nurse was about to ask what flavor the girl wanted when her attention was drawn back to the man standing on the other side of the room. He had made a disapproving noise with his tongue as his daughter's face lit up at the thought of the sweet drink.

"Now you've done it." The man chuckled, though there was no real humor behind it. "This girl's favorite thing in the world is sweets. Now she's going to say she's in pain, just so she can get some juice."

“Sir,” Petra responded firmly, her once shining brown eyes hardening at such a careless statement. “I’m sorry, but after what she’s been through today, I think the least we could do is allow her to have some juice.”

The man shrugged his shoulders, raising his brows as though to tell her ‘do what you want’.

Which she would - gladly, in fact.

Turning back towards Heidi, who was now watching her father with a concerned expression, Petra attempted to redirect the girl’s attention.

"What flavor do you want?" That got Heidi's head swiveling back towards her. "I have cherry, grape, apple, orange, or watermelon."

“Uhhhh - “ Heidi pondered over her choices, looking up at the ceiling as though the answer would be there. After a few moments of thinking it over, the girl finally glanced back at the nurse waiting anxiously by her bedside. “I guess...cherry?”

“Excellent choice!” Petra agreed, readying herself to leave the room, but stopping dead in her tracks when hearing Heidi’s little voice again.

“Is that okay, Daddy?”

Petra watched as the little girl turned to her father, gauging his reaction for some kind of approval. The nurse waited with bated breath as the man simply stared back at the child, giving no indication of his approval either way.

Just when he was opening his mouth to give Heidi an answer - Petra jumped in, tired of witnessing the power dynamic in front of her.

“Your Daddy’s not the one drinking the juice, Heidi - so, I’m sure your choice is of no real consequence to him. Isn’t that right, Mr. Ackerman?”

There was a challenge in her tone, the words laced with borderline rudeness as she stared down the man across the room from her. Never in her life had she been so sharp with a patient nor a patient's family - however, she guessed there was no day like today. If she was going to get fired due to bad conduct, at least let it be because she stood up for a child who seemed to be in want of an advocate.

What reaction she was expecting to get from the man, she did not know - but it certainly wasn't a smirk.

He was smirking at her.

The silence stretched on for a few more seconds, the man's thin lips holding that frustrating smirk in place. He watched her as though waiting for what she was going to do next, but instead of shrinking under his gaze, she simply crossed her arms over her chest, ready to stand her ground.

Once the older Ackerman noticed Heidi’s head swiveling from side to side, watching their reactions, he released another tired, breathy chuckle.

“That’s right, Miss Ral.”

Petra hated to admit it - but, even after exiting the room, her legs continued to shake as she made her way down the hall. The trembles soon transferred into her hands as she poured the little girl a glass of cherry juice.

Upon re-entering the room, the first thing Petra noticed was that Mr. Ackerman had moved from what she thought was going to be his permanent spot in the room. He now stood by his daughter where she lay in her hospital bed, speaking quietly to her about something that the nurse couldn’t hear.

The second he saw her walk through the door, he quickly quieted - his lips returning to the thin line of indifference that she had become acquainted with, not too long ago. Choosing to ignore the strange atmosphere that settled over the room at such a blatant display of secrecy, Petra smiled brightly towards the child lying in the bed.

She was her priority.

“Alright, Miss Heidi!” Petra chirped happily, trying her best to return to the usual persona that she emulated while within the walls of the hospital. “Time for your medicine! If you could just sit up for me - “

The girl began to shift higher up in the bed, struggling to prop herself up against the pillows that lay behind her. Petra rushed to find somewhere to set the glass of juice down so that she could help her patient - however, she was beaten to it.

The girl's father placed his hands underneath her armpits, slowly pulling her back towards the head of the bed. After she was situated a little bit higher, he released his grip on her before tugging at the pillows to arrange them in a fashion that was more comfortable for her. Though he moved with purpose, his actions held a tenderness that Petra was surprised to see. If this was an unusual occurrence for Heidi, she certainly didn't show it on her tired, yet grateful features.

“Thank you, Daddy.”

The man grunted in response, patting his hand on the pillow behind her head one more time before moving his hands back to his pockets.

Petra’s brow rose in response to the uncharacteristic helpfulness she had just witnessed, but she tried to school her features in a way that didn’t show her surprise.

“Well - “ The woman cleared her throat, before handing the glass of juice over to the girl, to give herself time to retrieve the pills she had placed in the pocket at the front of her dress. “Hopefully, your pain will lessen after you take these.”

Heidi gave a shy nod at the woman’s words, looking warily at the pills. Noticing the child’s hesitance, the older Ackerman reached for the cup of juice in her shaking hands. With the movement of his arm, Petra watched as the cuff of his jacket slid up and over the skin of his wrist.

She couldn’t hide her surprise at what she saw branded there.

It was a ‘Wings of Freedom’ tattoo.

This man was a part of the Survey Corps.

It wasn’t that Petra had never interacted with an SC member before, it was just that they normally didn’t frequent this side of the hospital. Most of them didn’t have children and, even if they did, most of them wouldn’t have the opportunity to care for them properly.

It was no secret that of all the cities in Marley, Paradis was the one that had the biggest gang violence problem. Paradis was deemed as the headquarters for the infamous Titans gang, a group of thugs who were well-versed in politics and typically well-educated. One could never know that someone was a Titan, since they blended in so well to society.

There were rumors floating around that several larger corporations had Titans at the helm, working their way through the ranks in an attempt to have a better chance at being elected into political office. Their end goal was unclear - however, their violent acts and shady business dealings had escalated over the recent years.

Suddenly, businessmen who were in perfectly good health one day were turning up dead in a river the next. The same went for major political figures. Several big-name military men had been cut down in the streets and in their homes, to the point where the implications couldn't be ignored.

This was an all-out war.

Though Petra had been busy in nursing school at the time, she still vividly remembered Commander Erwin Smith’s case - since it had eventually led to the creation of the Survey Corps.

Erwin Smith had walked into his home one day after a long day of work, only to be attacked by a group of four masked Titans brandishing knives. While the Commander had lost an arm as a result of the poison on the blades that had come in contact with his arm, he was able to fight off all four assailants and come through the accident with a clear vision of what needed to be done.

This incident prompted the formation of the Survey Corps.

The Survey Corps was a group of former criminals who would have otherwise faced jail time or execution if they chose not to serve their government. The Commander's idea was that when it came to the Titans - one had to fight fire with fire. For him, the Survey Corps was his fire.

The men would be given a meager compensation in exchange for their loyalty, as well as a full pardon for the crimes they had committed in the past. All they had to do was promise their hearts to the cause.

Petra had always thought the venture sounded like a risky one. How could someone trust a criminal? If someone was willing to commit a crime once, wouldn’t they be willing to do it again? From what she had seen of the SC members who had been wheeled into the Emergency Room over the past few years, they looked more like thugs than the actual Titans themselves.

However, it appeared that that was the whole point.

The Survey Corps were used to obtain information about the Titans from the inside. To learn about the Titans, it seemed you had to act like one. Once inside, their goal was to negotiate deals with the underlings, who would then pass on the information to the SC in exchange for compensation. No surprise, though - these exchanges could turn deadly pretty quickly.

The young nurse couldn’t imagine how anyone could trust a criminal to infiltrate the enemy without the fear of them turning themselves - but from what she had heard, Commander Erwin Smith was a very good leader who kept a tight hold on all the men who worked under him.

Petra guessed as much since a good majority of them had small government-issued tracking devices located somewhere on their person - somewhere that they were unaware of, of course.

The woman had only ever seen an actual 'Wings of Freedom' tattoo once, and it was on the wrist of a body that was being rolled to the morgue past her in the hallway one day. The symbol was a sign of rank. Much like how the military operated, the Survey Corps themselves had a set of ranks that signaled a separation of powers within the group.

Only captains and the Commander himself were given the ‘honor’ of bearing the SC tattoo. The placement was purposeful, too - right on the wrist, where an opponent’s eyes would be drawn as they wielded their signature blades.

Suddenly, the behavior of the man made a lot more sense. He was a former thug - now, turned Captain of the Survey Corps.

The nature of Heidi’s injury also made a lot more sense now. She wasn’t victim to a few Titan pick-pockets on the street of Paradis. She was a victim to her father’s line of work.

She had been caught up in the crossfire.

"Miss Ral?" At the sound of the man's deep, gravelly voice, Petra looked up only to be met by a steely gray gaze. He had noticed where her eyes had fallen and had also deduced where her train of thought was drifting. "Are you ready to hand over the medicine?"

His tone was polite enough, not to alert Heidi to the mounting tension that seemed to build with every interaction the two adults had - but there was certainly an edge to it. He was pretty much daring her to ask questions.

Petra certainly was not taking the bait.

“Yes,” The woman responded, slowly. The smile that had fallen from her face at the sight of the man’s tattoo, returned as she warmly regarded her waiting patient. “Let’s get this over with!”

Neither father nor daughter caught the double meaning behind her words.

This shift could not go by fast enough.

-

After what she could only describe as ‘the longest 12-hour shift ever,’ Petra was ready to hit the sack and enjoy the next two days off.

It seemed like fate, though - had other plans.

"What?" The woman groaned as she pulled her time card out of the slot, her whine catching the attention of a few doctors passing by. Petra couldn't care less what they thought of her right now, she was exhausted - and the news Nanaba had given her was definitely less than welcome "There expediting Krista's maternity leave? Isn't she still like - I don't know - four months away from giving birth?!"

Nifa shook her head from her usual spot by the water tower, looking just about ready to fall over herself.

“Two months,” She reminded the frazzled ginger, chuckling at the groan her answer received. “It was bound to happen sooner or later with how faint she’s been - it just so happens that they made the call during a hospital-wide nursing shortage.”

Petra didn’t want to seem inconsiderate, but this news had really put a wrench in her plans - plans which had included nothing but cleaning and sleeping - but plans nonetheless! There were about a million other things she'd rather do than continue to cross paths with her patient's reticent father.

She had really thought that as the hours passed, his mood would perhaps lift and become a bit more pleasant - but no, things had only seemed to get worse.

While Heidi had slept most of the night, it was almost as if the dark-haired man was reluctant to close his eyes. No matter how many times Petra had walked in there over the past twelve hours, he never moved from his spot near the window. Even when Petra offered to help move the chair over closer to the wall so that he could see, he had glared at her as though she had outright insulted him.

Never had Petra felt so uncomfortable while tending to a patient and she had been doing this for years!

The worst instance of this was when she had gone to change Heidi's bandages over where her injury was. While she had tended to many injured patients before, she could feel a cold sweat breaking out along her hairline as she gently removed the bandages from the young girl's pale skin.

Every movement she made was subject to his intimidating glare - almost as though he was waiting to snap at her the second she made a wrong move. Though he was trying to hide it behind a wall of indifference, Petra could tell that he was on edge as she began to work on Heidi’s wound.

If one thing could be said, it was that Petra had never met a five-year-old quite like Heidi before. Though she remained silent for most of the night, the young woman could tell that she was highly intelligent and aware. Never before had she had a patient who was able to grit their teeth and fight their pain so well. Not even when her bandage got stuck on a small area of irritated skin did Heidi release a whimper.

Petra knew the whole process must have caused her a great deal of pain - however, like her father said, she was hellbent on acting tough.

It wasn’t until she got to the part of the cut that appeared to be the most severe that the child even happened to make a sound.

“Is that tender?” She had asked, but it was more of a formality. The lines of distress on the girl’s forehead told her all she needed to know. “I’ll try to make it quick.”

Heidi said nothing in response, but at her obvious signs of discomfort, her father shifted forward - hands still in his pockets, but his rigid posture showing that he wasn't nearly as indifferent as he tried to act.

Petra was suddenly aware of the man's eyes following the movements of her hands and - though she had done this in front of an audience many times - his attention made her more nervous than she had ever been before. Not only were his eyes watching her like a hawk's - but his body was also tilting forward , closer to her, to see exactly what she was doing.

Under such pressure, she panicked - something that was highly unlike her on a normal day.

With the man's eyes boring holes into her hands, her sweaty palms lost their grip on the bandage she had been trying to pull gently from the skin.  Heidi's reaction was instantaneous.

While she had made little more than a whimper up to that point, when the bandage slipped from Petra's hand and the skin of her palm made contact with the stitches that lay over the girl's abdomen - a short, little whelp escaped from her lips at the pain.

If that didn’t have the nurse feeling bad enough, Heidi’s dad’s reaction almost had her crying.

While most parents would be understanding of such a small mistake - many not even realizing she had made one - because he had been watching her so closely, he had borne witness to her error. The shock on his face, expressed only by the raise of his brows and the slight opening of his mouth, soon morphed into something much more threatening - anger.

"Don't you know how to do your job?" The man seethed, glaring at her with the same eyes that had been watching her so closely moments before. While his voice was not loud, the quiet tone almost made it that much scarier. "Can't you see that your mistake has caused her pain?"

Petra didn’t know what else to do besides look at him like a gaping fish.

"Well - are you competent enough to continue your work, or should I request another nurse?"

“No sir,” The woman answered, quietly - in a sort of daze from the man’s unusual reaction. Though she thought he was going to argue some more with her - he instead leaned back against the wall next to Heidi’s bed and continued to watch her in silence, as though he hadn’t questioned her skill at all.

Petra rolled her shoulders back, steeling herself to do the same thing she had done a million times. She would not let this man get to her twice.

After apologizing to the small girl, who merely gave a meek nod in response, Petra finished removing the old bandage from her cut. Once the wound had been cleaned and rebandaged - the nurse hurriedly made herself scarce, barely giving the girl's father a second glance.

When she had left the room, her face had been flushed and she had felt as though she was going to cry - but after hearing the taunts from her friends at the desk, thinking she had had some kind of flirtation with her patient's father, she instead turned to the next room and prepared herself to tend to her other patients.

“Earth to Petra?” Nifa’s voice brought her back to the present, something she was grateful for. Though it had been a long shift, at least it was finally over. “So, are you going to cover Krista for the rest of the week?”

Petra groaned once again. She had forgotten why she had spaced out for so long in the first place - they wanted her to take on the night shift for an additional two days.

"Hey!" Nifa chirped, crossing the small distance that separated her from Petra, throwing an arm around her shoulders and pulling her close. "The good thing is you'll get almost a full week off if you finish all your hours now!"

"Yeah - " Petra agreed reluctantly, though her voice held little excitement. "But what good are hours off if I'm too exhausted to enjoy them?"

"All you do is clean, you neat freak! Don't act like it's going to spoil a hot date or something!"

Nanaba chuckled at Nifa's words, also reaching to pick up her card and clock out. "You know, she's not wrong."

Petra blushed at their goading. “How would you know?”

Both girls looked at her dubiously,  their reaction causing Petra to blush an even deeper shade of red. Nifa shook her head, clucking her tongue in disappointment.

“I rest my case.”

“Oh, shove it!” Petra grabbed her bag from the floor, ready to leave the past 12-hour shift behind. “I’ll cover Krista’s damn shifts if it means I’ll get some time away from you weirdos next week.”

Nanaba rolled her eyes at Petra's dramatics, while Nifa simply laughed in response, also retrieving her bag from under the counter. Though both busied themselves by getting their stuff together to take home, neither missed the shameless smirk Petra sent over her shoulder.

“I guess this is the price one has to pay when they’ve been named the most satisfactory nurse on the ward.”

Now, this comment had both Nifa and Nanaba groaning, the girls rushing to catch up with Petra as she made her way to the stairwell.

-

The second day Petra was assigned to the Ackerman’s was just as strange as the first.

After getting a good 8-hour rest, the nurse entered the hospital with a renewed bounce in her step. The reason? She had pressed her uniform to perfection and had even pushed back her shoulder-length hair with a headband with not a hair out of place.

‘Let’s see what that man can find wrong with me now,’ Petra thought to herself as she clocked in for the day, only to be shocked by what she saw going on at Room 325 - Heidi Ackerman's room.

She could recognize the dark blue suits of the Military Police from a mile away.

Two men, one with long blonde hair and the other with a dark, crew cut, stood outside the girl's room, talking with Heidi's father. The men were speaking quietly to each other, the blonde one jotting down some notes onto a form he held in his hand.

It looked like a statement.

Not wanting to intrude, Petra double-checked Heidi's folder to make sure that she wasn't due for another dose of medication for another half an hour still. The day nurse had left several notes for the night nurse, describing the girl's progress. While she was still in a considerable amount of pain, her vitals had remained stable throughout the day. Now, the only thing they needed to worry about was the possibility of infection setting in at the sight of her would.

Petra made a mental note to remain extremely vigilant when it came to caring for the girl’s wound. The faster she healed, the faster she would be out of the ward.

'...and the faster her father could get the hell off of my floor.'  Petra thought to herself, jotting down a few quick notes of her own, before closing the file and picking up the next.

By the time Petra arrived at Heidi's room, the MP's were long gone and the girl was sleeping peacefully in bed.

Upon entering the room with a glass of cherry juice already in hand, Petra braced herself for a rude comment or a deadly stare - but was surprised when she found that she was not on the receiving end of one.

Mr. Ackerman was still dressed in the same clothes he had worn the day before, his hair styled still to perfection, yet a bit greasier from the lack of a good washing. While his gaze was cold as ever as it moved from his daughter's slumbering form to the nurse as she entered the room, it wasn't nearly as intimidating as it had been before.

The man just looked tired.

Still, he stood by the lone window in the room, leaning against the ledge as if it was the only thing keeping him on his feet. Petra spared a glance towards the only chair in the room by Heidi's bedside and noticed that the pillow and blanket that she had left for him last night were still neatly folded and waiting to be used.

He had never slept. He had never even sat.

Petra's mouth popped open in surprise as she stood in the doorway, glass in hand. She wanted to say something but found that every time she tried to get the words out, they got stuck in her throat.

"Don't wake her up." It was the first words she had heard out of his mouth since entering, his tone as deep as it had been the day before, but weaker from lack of rest. He almost didn't look so much annoyed, as he did exasperated. "She's had a long few hours and was just now able to fall asleep."

At his request, Petra felt conflicted.

"It's time for her medicine." The woman insisted, talking quietly as she approached the girl's bedside, placing the glass of cherry red liquid onto the side table. "I'm worried that if she doesn't take it soon, she may wake up in pain."

The man considered her words, staring at her for a few moments before letting his gaze drop to the sleeping five-year-old in the hospital bed. The fact that he was even chewing over her statement had Petra reeling. While the day before, he had been questioning her methods - now he was actually taking her seriously.

The man sighed, pushing himself off from the wall he was leaning against.

“Could you wait twenty minutes?”

The words were spoken quietly, yet for the first time, they held no underlying rudeness. He seemed genuine in his request, his gray eyes boring into her's as he waited for an answer.

Petra was beginning to feel as though she was experiencing whiplash on the receiving end of his mood swings.

It was only in that moment, when he was making such direct eye contact with her, that she began to notice the slight shake of his stature, almost as though a short burst of chills were beginning to overcome his body. The sight was so strange, that Petra felt herself nodding at the man's request before she had even had a chance to think it over.

"Uh - " The young woman stuttered, trying desperately to find her voice. "I guess that would be alright?"

The man gave her a short nod of appreciation, his lips pressed in a thin line as he seemed to consider whether to say something else. Instead of asking any more questions though, he breezed past the young nurse and began to make his way to the door - something that caught Petra's attention, considering he had not left his daughter's room the entire time during her shift before.

"Wait!" She called out in surprise, though the volume of her voice surprised her. The man gave her a sharp look as he glanced over at the still slumbering child. After watching the rise and fall of her chest for a few long moments - he switched his gaze back to her, annoyance evident in the twist of his features.

And just like that, the same man from the day before was back.

"What?" He asked, as though it wasn't unusual for him to leave his daughter's room. In most cases, it wouldn't be strange for her patient's parents to leave their child unattended while they went to find some food or refreshments in the hospital, but this man had never done that before.

‘Maybe that’s why he wants her to stay asleep…’ Petra thought to herself, as she tried to think of what else she could say without sounding too nosy.

“Where are you going?”

Nice one, Ral.

The man scoffed, as though he believed her question didn't deserve an answer. Without responding, he turned back to the door and placed his shaking hand on the knob.

But Petra was surprised when, before leaving the room, he quietly called back over his shoulder.

“Would you mind keeping an eye on her for me, real quick? There’s something I need to do.”

Not waiting for her answer, the man was out the door before Petra's brain could even catch up to what he had been asking. However, when she realized what he had done, she found herself seething.

What did she look like - a babysitter?! She had other patients to be taking care of!

Though she knew that she had no real obligation to stay in Heidi’s room, there was something that had her sitting in the chair beside the bed, scooting the pillow and blankets out of the way to make herself more comfortable. She didn’t know what it was that kept her rooted in that spot, but she truly felt like she couldn’t leave the little girl.

A vision of the MP's quickly flashed through her mind.

It was that feeling of guilt that had her planted in the chair for the next twenty minutes - even though she had other patients to check on.

‘Oh well,’ Petra picked a piece of lint off the top sheet of the bed, watching the steady rise and fall of Heidi’s small chest. ‘What are they gonna do? Fire me?’

Just as Petra was fantasizing about all the things she could do if her boss truly did fire her - Mr. Ackerman returned to the room.

The first thing the young ginger noticed about the man was that he held a large white bag in his hand - one that seemed to be from the hospital's gift shop. The second thing she noticed was that he held a mug of what looked like some kind of tea in his other hand.

The third thing she noticed was that he reeked of smoke. With this knowledge, Petra could feel her face heat up in annoyance.

Now the shaking of his body and hands made sense - he had been going through withdrawals.

“You left me in here to tend to your daughter while you went and had a smoke?” The nurse stood from her spot in the chair, quietly chastising the man as he walked through the door. “Don’t you know those things can kill you?”

After having gotten his fix of nicotine, the man was back to his usual pleasant self. Before Petra could even think of what else to say, his eyes flashed towards her in contempt.

"Don't you know how to mind your own business?"

At such a rude response, Petra threw caution to the wind, sick of the man's attitude. Not caring whether Heidi woke up at this point or not, she stormed over to the dark-haired man, pointing a single finger into his chest. At least the man had the nerve to look surprised.

“Listen here - “ Petra dug her finger further into his hard chest, the fabric of his white shirt wrinkling as she tapped him once more for good measure. “Your daughter is currently my patient, Mr. Ackerman. So yes, your health is a part of my business now. What I’d like to know is how you think you're going to take care of your child on nothing but cigarettes and tea? Did you even eat while you were gone?”

The man raised a brow at her tirade, still shocked at the fact that the small redhead had had the nerve to speak to him like that. He definitely wasn’t used to it.

"Well, did you?" She asked again, demanding an answer, sticking him in the chest with a finely manicured finger once more.

What the man did next, nearly floored the poor girl for what felt like the millionth time in the past twenty-four hours. He smirked.

That damn infuriating smirk again!

Before she could repeat her question, the Survey Corps member grabbed the finger that was currently poking his chest, pushing her hand down while the infuriating smirk on his face only grew bigger.

"No," He said simply, as though he had not a care in the world. Petra could tell by the challenge in his eyes that he was eagerly waiting to see how she would respond.

Almost as though it was a game to him. Well, Petra was perfectly ready to play.

Pulling her hand out of his hold, the woman crossed her arms over her chest, looking up at him as he continued to smirk down at her. While he had shaken her the day before, she had become familiar enough with him to know that he only seemed to respond positively to her when she was actively challenging him.

What was he - a masochist?

“Lucky for you I have a wide array of crackers to offer you.” Petra smiled sweetly, watching as the man’s brows rose at the sound of her tone. “What would your flavor of choice be - cheese or peanut butter?”

“Neither, I - ,”

“Oh!” She cut him off, tapping him once again on the chest, knowing that this seemed to annoy him greatly just a few moments ago. “I’m sorry but ‘neither’ doesn’t seem to be a flavor - try again!”

The man's brows rose even higher at her continued teasing. "What if I'm allergic to peanut butter and cheese?"

Petra was anticipating such an answer, her arms once again crossing over her chest as she puffed it out with pride, knowing that this was an argument she had already won. "Then I guess I get to pick your poison."

They stared at each other in silence, neither intending to back down. Finally, the older Ackerman broke.

The man chuckled. Not a pity chuckle, either - but a real, amused chuckle. Though it may have been quiet, Petra couldn't conceal the pride that swelled up in her chest at having broken through at least one of the man's self-made barriers.

They didn't call her the best nurse for nothing!

"Alright, alright…" He finally conceded, no longer chuckling - but still keeping that mysterious smirk on his face. "I'll eat something, but no crackers."

Petra’s brow rose at this. “Why not? Isn’t that the most universal snack there is?”

“They’re too messy.”

The woman had to stop herself from giggling at the look of annoyance that passed over the man’s face. It seemed they at least had one thing in common - Petra absolutely hated a mess.

“An apple?”

The man shrugged noncommittally. Petra took this as confirmation that the fruit would do.

“Daddy?”

The feeble call from the bed had both of the adults turning, their eyes falling on the once slumbering girl who still lay propped up against the pillows. Though she had only said one word, Petra could tell from the look on her face that she had been woken from her sleep by some kind of pain.

The girl’s father hummed in response, acknowledging that he had heard her. Not wasting a moment and with a new pep in his step from his smoke break, the Survey Corps member approached his daughter’s bedside, placing his tea down by the glass of juice that still lay on the bedside table.

It was when the girl glanced over at the juice and then at the door, that she noticed the short nurse who was also now standing in her room. Petra liked to imagine that the girl’s face had lit up a bit at the sight of her, but she wasn’t foolish enough to think that it was anything other than the prospect of juice that had her glowing.

Heidi, much like her father though, surprised her.

"Hi, Miss Petra," The girl said in that sweet tone of her, her words still shy, but definitely more confident than from the night before. "Is it time for my medicine?"

Petra smiled in encouragement, joining the girl’s father at the side of her bed. “Yes, it is. Are you in any pain?”

Once again, the child looked up at her father - but, instead of waiting for some kind of input from him, she turned back to the nurse and answered for herself.

“Just a little.”

While her answer was not nearly as descriptive as Petra would have liked, the woman knew that this was probably the best she was going to get out of the child. With a tough-as-nails father by her side, the little girl was never going to give a true indication of how she was truly feeling. To do so would be to admit defeat in her eyes.

It was sad to an extent, but having grown up with a single dad herself - something she was assuming based on the fact that Petra had yet to see a mother stop by for a visit to Heidi's room - she knew how important it was to show them that their little girls were strong enough to handle themselves.

Petra’s respect for the precocious five-year-old just continued to grow as she spent more time with her.

After the nurse had given the girl her pills and had made sure that they went down easily, she reviewed Heidi’s vitals one more time before promising to return in the next hour.

Before she could make it out the door though, she turned to face the girl’s father one last time.

“I’ll be bringing you an apple, Mr. Ackerman,” She called back to him, watching as his gaze drifted upwards to meet her’s. “- and I’ll be expecting you to eat it.”

“Levi.”

The response was so quick and unexpected that it had Petra quieting immediately. Seeing the look of confusion written across her face, one side of the man's mouth quirked up in a half-smile. He sighed, shaking his head before closing his eyes in exasperation.

When he opened them again, there was a softer look there than there had been before.

“My name’s Levi. Stop it with that Mr. Ackerman stuff.”

Even Heidi chuckled from her place in the bed at the sound of such a formal name for her father. Once Petra had collected her wits, she gave a short nod in response.

"Levi, then."

Without wasting another second, the woman turned from the room - shutting the door close with more force than what she had intended to.

Her face was burning as she walked away from the room - and for the first time since she had been assigned to the patient in Room 325 - it wasn't from shame.

-

It was nearly an hour and a half later that she was finally able to return to Heidi’s room to check on the girl. With an apple in hand, the woman pushed open the door quietly, just in case the little girl had happened to fall back asleep.

The scene that lay before her, had her pausing in the open doorway in wonder.

Levi Ackerman was sitting. Not only was he sitting, but he was reading - and from a children’s book, nonetheless!

The white bag from earlier lay at his feet, the contents of it having been removed. While it had been puffed up quite large only an hour before, it now sat deflated on the cold tile of the hospital floor. Petra couldn't imagine that a few children's books from the gift shop would make a bag look that full, and she was right to assume that.

The reason the bag had looked so full was currently resting in the happy little hands of one Miss Heidi Ackerman in the form of a very large, stuffed teddy bear.

"Then Mr. Owl asked Mr. Bear if he could borrow a few - ," Petra listened to the smooth voice of the man who had nearly made her cry the day before, no rudeness left in his tone as he read to a very captive audience.

"Daddy, why would he ask to borrow something that he could never give back?' Heidi asked from her hospital bed, fully engaged in the story. Whether it was consciously or not, she hugged her bear a little tighter to herself as she turned onto her side to regard her father.

The man gave her a small, patient smile. "It's an expression, Heidi. Mr. Owl is going to eat the carrots, of course - so I'm sure hoping he's not planning on regurgitating them and giving them back to Mr. Bear. Mr. Bear is letting Mr. Owl have something without the guarantee of ever receiving it back or something in return."

“Then it’s not borrowing.”

Her father shrugged, his eyes turning back to the page in front of him. "Not really, I guess."

Before the man could pick up where he'd left off - Heidi cut him off once more.

“Daddy, I don’t think owls actually eat carrots.”

“Are you going to let me finish the story, brat?” The man gazed at her over the top of the book, annoyance creeping into his tone after having been interrupted for the second time. “Or do I need to read from the dictionary in order to please you?”

While Petra had been shocked when he had referred to his daughter as "brat" the night before, she would have to be deaf to not hear the endearment that lay hidden in his tone. He said it so gently - as though it was meant as an affectionate tease more than an insult.

Heidi certainly wasn’t offended by it if her sweet little laugh was any indication of how she was feeling.

“Daddy!” She whined, hugging her bear even tighter. “No dictionary! I want animal stories!”

“Then sit back and enjoy the damn book, instead of overanalyzing everything.”

Heidi’s eyes widened in shock, her small mouth forming an ‘o’ at her father’s choice of words. “Daddy, you swore.”

The man twisted his lips, trying his best to hide his face behind the children's book that he held in his hands.

“I heard you! You’re going to have to put change in the swear jar at home!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Heidi smiled brightly at her father. "Nuh-uh, it's a deal! I'm going to be rich!"

“Heidi,” Levi raised one dark brow towards the girl, his tone darkening with warning as she continued to get louder. “You need to be quiet.”

At her father’s admonishment, the child’s face fell, her bright smile falling swiftly off her features. Petra made a movement to jump in - anything to bring that sweet expression back to the darling girl’s face - but was stopped by the man’s voice chiming in once again.

“ - and besides, you only have two dollars. That’s barely enough to call yourself rich.”

While most children would have balked at Levi's use of blunt humor, Heidi - who must have been used to it by now -  began to giggle once more, the bright smile from just moments before, returning to her face. Petra was even surprised to find that the man was wearing one of his own now.

"It's almost enough to buy a chocolate bar." Heidi insisted as if the candy was the most precious thing in the world.

Petra had to clamp her mouth shut to keep from laughing out loud. From her spot in the doorway, the nurse's shoulders trembled in quiet amusement. This little girl was something else - and, from what she had seen over the past few minutes, so was her father.

"Now you see, Miss Ral?" The question had her pausing mid-shake, her amusement slowly fading now that she had been caught. "I told you sweets would be her downfall."

Petra could feel her cheeks heating up. She had just been caught eavesdropping - how unprofessional could she be?

Opening the door all the way, the woman stepped fully into the room, apple still in hand. While Heidi certainly seemed to quiet as the woman entered the room, the smile on her face did not fade.

While she had thought the older Ackerman would look at her in contempt for having the gall to eavesdrop on him, during what she would call a very intimate family moment, he instead looked over at her with a slight quirk in his brow.

“ - and eavesdropping will be yours.”

Without saying another word, the man placed the children’s book on top of the bedside table, where Petra could now see an entire stack had been laid. Next to it, a small cat plush sat, almost as though watching over the mountain of books that now stood beside it. Before the nurse could make any comments in regards to his gift shop purchases, the man stuck out his hand.

Petra just stared at him in confusion.

Levi gave her a less than impressed look. “My apple, Miss Ral?”

If Petra had thought her face had been burning before, it was nothing compared to now.

-

A few hours passed uneventfully in the pediatric ward. That was one thing Petra had always enjoyed about the night shift - there was a certain calm in the air that seemed to hang over the 3rd floor of the hospital. A child would cry out in pain, only to be shushed a few moments later by comfort or medicine - or a buzzer would go off, signaling that someone needed assistance.

Other than that, the ward pretty much always stayed quiet in the late night to early morning hours of the day and Room 325 was no exception to this.

Heidi was snoozing peacefully as Petra made her rounds once again to check on the girl. After having received her last dose of medication until morning, the girl had lost her battle against sleep. She had fought valiantly - wanting to stay up and continue listening to the stories being told by her father - but after several hours and retellings of the same stories over and over, she was finally out for the night.

While Petra hated to disturb the girl's sleep, it was pertinent that she clean her wound every few hours to keep the infection from setting in. Though the girl was already taking oral antibiotics, the nurse knew that it was better to be safe than sorry when it came to wounds.

In an attempt to be as stealthy as possible, Petra quietly entered the dimly lit room of Heidi Ackerman, careful not to make any noise as she closed the door behind her.

Giving her eyes time to adjust to the lack of lighting in the room, Petra squinted while looking over at the chair.

There sat Levi, bloody clothes and all, by his daughter's bed and still wide awake despite his obvious exhaustion. Petra had given up hours ago on telling him to get some sleep, learning quickly that even without an injured child the man was a terrible insomniac.

However, she couldn't help but be concerned when it came to the man's state of mind. How on earth was he supposed to tend to his child when he wasn't willing to rest himself?

"Oi, stop lurking in the doorway." A ragged voice called from the chair, his eyes never drifting from Heidi's face. Even without looking, he seemed to just know she was there. it must have been a Survey Corps thing. “She’s out for the night, so there’s no need to sneak around as if the smallest noise is going to wake her up.”

Petra blushed at the call-out, stepping fully into the dim light of the room, her expression apologetic. "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to change her bandages."

The man grunted in acknowledgment, shrugging his shoulders. "It can't be helped. Several more hours of reading from 'Mr. Owl's Adventures' sounds like a decent penance to me."

Though Petra found herself chuckling at the man's dry wit, she couldn't help but notice the strain in his voice that spoke of some underlying guilt she was not privy to. Trying to lighten the mood, she moved closer to Heidi's bedside, bandages already in hand and a soft smile on her features.

"Count yourself lucky," The woman bristled, reaching into her pocket for a disinfectant wipe. "You could be changing dirty bandages and bedpans for the rest of the night. I think I would choose Mr. Owl over that, any day."

While she hadn't expected the man to laugh at her remark, she wasn't expecting him to sober so quickly either.

He watched as she placed the packet of disinfectant wipes down on the table, her hands moving to the bandages to ready them for placement. The night before, she had found his gaze unnerving - now, however, he seemed to be pondering her actions more than looking for something that she was doing wrong.

“Could you show me how to change her bandages?”

Petra couldn't hide the shock that flooded her features at the quiet request. The words were spoken so softly that she questioned whether she had even heard them.

“Huh?” She heard herself ask, pausing mid-action.

Levi's face held its usual passive expression - but, when Petra looked closely, she could see the skin of his neck turning red underneath the hairs of his undercut.

The man was blushing.

Petra had little time to be amazed before he was speaking again.

"I tried watching you last night and when the nurse did it this morning," The man confessed, his voice tight as though he felt ashamed for admitting it. "But I want to make sure I know how to do it right since I'm the one who's going to be doing it at home."

Suddenly, his attentiveness to her actions during her prior shift made a lot more sense.

While she had thought he had been watching her closely to see if she made any mistakes while changing Heidi's bandages, he was really just trying to learn how to do it himself. So the reason he must have been so grouchy when she had made that one mistake, was because he was frustrated not only with her but with himself for having to seek out someone's help.

Man, she had misjudged him terribly in that moment.

Knowing that it was hard for the man to admit he needed guidance - Petra gave him a small but encouraging smile.

"I can show you," The woman gestured for him to come closer to the bed so that he could see better. "This is the perfect time, actually since I'm going to be doing it really slow, so that we don't wake her."

Petra tried to calm the furious beating of her heart as the man rose from his chair and made his way over to her side. This was the closest she had ever been to him, even closer than when she had gotten up in his face earlier. From this vantage point, she could see the dark stubble that now lined his cheeks and the puffy bags that seemed to permanently reside under his eyes.

The man was starting to look a bit ragged. However, no amount of exhaustion could dull the look of determination in his eyes.

Petra took her time, carefully peeling back the bandages that sat across Heidi's abdomen. Levi watched closely as she worked her finger under the sticky material at a particularly irritated patch of skin. While Heidi mumbled a few incoherent words in her sleep and turned her head to the side in agitation, she remained unconscious as Petra continued to work on her wound.

The nurse quietly explained proper wound care, as she cleaned around the stitches that lay on the girl's stomach. Levi nodded in acknowledgment to each of her points, his steely gaze never leaving her hands.

The whole process took about ten minutes, much longer than usual, but Petra felt like it had taken a hundred years.

The man was just so close and it was distracting.

Despite being flustered by his proximity and rapt attention, Petra was able to successfully clean and re-bandage the wound.

She ripped the end of the last piece of tape needed for the girl's skin, gently patting it down with soft pressing motions. "So, that's all there is to it."

Levi nodded, the wheels in his head turning as he tried to internalize everything he had just seen.

It struck Petra as odd that he needed such guidance from her when his line of work surely included some bumps and nicks over time. Almost as if he could guess her train of thought, the man answered her unspoken question.

"I've had to treat my own wounds before," He admitted quietly, eyes glued to the area of Heidi's stomach where her injury lay. " - but I've never had to treat a child's. I just want to make sure I do it right."

Petra gave him a sympathetic smile, placing the roll of tape back on the table. "It really isn't that much different from dressing your own wounds."

Levi's eyes darkened at her words, his tone shifting. "It is different."

The young woman watched as the man's eyes drifted back up to Heidi's peaceful face, her small pink lips opened in an 'o' as little breaths escaped between them. From a hardened gaze, the Survey Corps member's eyes softened at the sight of his slumbering daughter.

“What happened?”

Petra didn't know what had come over her, but at the man's words and expression, she couldn't help but speak out of curiosity. While the girl's file had said she had been cut by a blade that had been laced with poison, it hadn't said any more than that. She figured that Heidi had been caught up in a crossfire, but she couldn't be too sure.

She wanted to know what had caused her patient so much pain - and she also wanted to know what it was that was causing the girl's father so much guilt.

Petra had not expected much in ways of a response, figuring that the man would tell her to mind her own business. She was surprised when, instead of snapping at her in anger, Levi sighed and crossed his arms over his chest in defeat. She could see his reluctance to share in the rigid way he stood, but could also see in the way he rolled his lips inwards, that there was a part of him that wanted to tell someone what happened.

"They broke into my home when it wasn't there." The man admitted quietly, a quick rush of breath leaving him as he resigned himself to share with Petra the details behind the incident. "Heidi knows not to open the door to strangers, so when they came knocking, she hid - but they knew she was there. They had been watching."

"The Titans?" Petra asked in a whisper. Levi nodded.

"I've always known that I was a big target for them - almost as big as Erwin himself - but I never thought they would go after my own daughter." Levi released a dark chuckle at this, closing his eyes in disbelief. 'I can't believe my stupidity. The Titans have cut down families before, I don't know what made me think that mine would be any different."

The man sighed, his eyes cutting back to his daughter’s face. “One of my men had heard through our line of communication that The Titans were planning on laying siege to my house - however, it had been kept under wraps for as long as possible to keep the plan from getting back to me.”

Levi's face darkened, his thin lips pressing together as his eyes took on a faraway look - like he was being transported back in time.

"Unlucky for them," The man continued, his tone growing terser as time went on. "I found out and was able to intercept the attack."

Petra watched as the man’s focus drew back to the present, his steely gaze never leaving his daughter. “But not before Heidi could get hurt.”

Levi ran a single hand through his hair, the action causing the arm of his jacket to rise and the ‘Wings of Freedom’ tattoo to be exposed.

"There were six of them at the house," Levi admitted, not even pausing when this information called forth a gasp from Petra. "I cut down every single one of them."

At the dark look on his face, the nurse could feel herself gulp in fear. The same intimidating man whom she had encountered the night before during her first shift was suddenly making an appearance once again. His behavior - however, made more sense now. He had been reticent and ready to snap, not just because his daughter had been injured, but because he had just murdered six men.

Petra also realized that the blood that lay splattered across the man’s white shirt was, more than likely, not just Heidi's. While the news had Petra suppressing a shiver, she didn't interrupt him as he continued with his story.

"When I realized the blade had been laced with poison, I rushed Heidi here." He glanced over at her now, his gaze watching her carefully as he analyzed her reaction. "Then a few hours later, we met you."

Petra didn't know what to say - half of her had expected the story to be something like that, but also half of her wishing it hadn't. She was outright conflicted.

"She had been alone?" She heard herself ask through the whooshing in her ears. Her head was spinning from all the new information.

Levi nodded. "I can't afford to send her anywhere. She's always alone."

Though Petra tried to hide her surprise, she couldn't conceal it quick enough for his all-seeing eyes.

"She has no mother." Levi admitted though Petra had deduced as much. "The woman dropped her off on my doorstep years ago without so much as a word - so I'm all she has."

"That's horrible." While it was an understatement, to be sure, it was all Petra could think of in response. At least it was able to draw a dry chuckle from the man.

“I guess you could say that.”

Not knowing how to dispel the tension that currently lay in the air, Petra turned to continue cleaning up the used bandages from the side table, disposing of them in the trash while she continued to think of what to say.

Noticing her unease, Levi sighed. "I didn't tell you all of this to make you feel awkward. You did ask, you know?"

"I don't feel awkward!" Petra insisted although she knew it was a fib. She rolled up the gauze that she had neglected to use while trying to choose her words carefully. "I'm just not sure what to say."

"You don't have to say anything,"  The man said, walking back around to the other side of the bed. His eyes drifted to the children's books that lay stacked on the side of the bed. "It's the ways things are and the way they will always be. All I can do is ensure that none of my decisions from here on out will infringe on her safety.'

Petra nodded. “I guess you're right.”

The room was quiet as Petra continued to bustle about. She fluffed Heidi's pillows a few more times, before reviewing the young girl's vitals. She didn't know what it was, but despite the tense atmosphere that lay heavy over the room, she really didn't want to leave.

No matter what she wanted though, she knew she had other patients to see.

Before she left, a thought came to her as she reached for the handle on the door. She remembered at the start of her shift that Levi had only taken leave of his daughter's room when Petra was guaranteed to be there and keep watch. The circumstance had Petra pausing.

Was that why he hadn’t bothered to go home and change yet?

Petra could see that the man needed a good shower and a fresh pair of clothes - but, after hearing about what happened, she highly doubted he was willing to leave the hospital while his daughter was still in such a vulnerable state.

She didn’t know what came over her, but suddenly she was speaking.

“I get off in a few hours. Do you want me to sit with Heidi while you go home and change?”

Her offer caused the man to turn his head, his eyes gazing at her warily. “I couldn’t ask you to do that. I know you probably need your rest.”

Petra shook her head. “I wouldn’t have offered if I wasn’t willing.”

"I couldn't -,"

"No offense," Petra finally said, her arms crossing over her chest in an act of defiance. " - but you are starting to look rough.”

This caused one side of the man’s mouth to quirk up. “I’m just now starting to? I thought surely when I walked in covered in blood yesterday that I looked about as rough as I could.”

“Well, then I guess you’ve been proven wrong.”

Levi shook his head. “I’m not leaving. Besides, I have nowhere to go. My home is a crime scene, remember?”

"You can use my apartment." The words had left Petra's mouth before she even had time to think. At the suggestion, she could feel her face heating up, but she continued speaking anyway. "Go at least take a shower - please."

This had the man's brows raising to his hairline.

"You would let a man who just murdered six people take a shower in your home?"

Petra shrugged. “Yeah, I mean as long as you promise not to mess with anything.”

“You’re damned crazy.”

"Yeah, maybe," Petra conceded, but her arms still crossed tightly over her chest. "But it's better than being stinky. I'm going to get a shirt from the lost and found for you to take. My shift is over in three hours, so try to at least get some rest before it's my turn to watch Heidi."

Without waiting for a response, Petra exited the room in a flurry of white fabric and frazzled nerves, missing the smirk that followed her actions as she hurriedly exited through the door.

- True to her word, Petra had returned to Heidi's room after clocking out. The woman handed the older Ackerman a piece of paper with her address, a key, and a plain white t-shirt - before practically pushing him out of the room.

Not allowing any chance of negotiation, Petra slammed the door behind him, fighting the urge to actually lock it.

Now fully awake, Heidi giggled at the sight of the young woman bossing her otherwise intimidating father around. The sound had Petra smiling, too. Though she was tired, she was looking forward to spending a bit of downtime with the girl.

During the hour and a half that Levi was gone, Petra learned many things about Miss Heidi Ackerman.

She was born in late September and couldn't wait for the Summer to be over so that she could finally be six. Her favorite thing to learn about was animals - hence, why her father always bought her stories with animal characters rather than humans. She had named the big teddy bear her father had gotten her, Felix, after a cat character with the same name that existed in one of the storybooks her dad had once read to her.

While it wasn’t new information, Petra was struck once again by how intelligent the little girl was.

Heidi shared with her the process of her daily routine - how she woke up in the morning to find a bowl of cereal already sitting ready for her at the table. Though her father was usually gone by this time, he always left a note telling her what time he would be home and reminded her to never open the door to strangers. After reading the note, she would do a few chores around the house - she loved sweeping - and even had her own little broom that matched her father's so that on the weekends they could clean the floors together.

While Petra imagined such an existence would be a sad one - being all alone in a house all day, especially, at such a young age - Heidi didn't seem particularly bothered by it.

"When Daddy gets home in the afternoon, he always cooks me something yummy for dinner," Heidi's voice held all the wonderment of a child, who was properly spoiled by her father. "Uncle Erwin even sometimes comes over and eats with us. He can toss me up in the air really high! Higher than Daddy!"

Petra found herself chuckling at this. “Oh, really?”

Heidi nodded excitedly, her cheeks flushed from the conversation and probably what was still a bit of residual pain. Despite this, she continued chatting as though she couldn't be bothered.

Petra felt her heart warm as the girl slowly began to open up more and more to her - remembering how quiet she had been during the first time she had attended to her.

It was as though the child that sat before her now was a completely different person from the one before. While she could probably blame some of that on the young girl's injury - a bigger portion of it was just that it probably took the girl time to warm up to people.

‘Much like her father,’ Petra supposed.

By the time Levi returned, both his daughter and the nurse were sat up in the hospital bed, the scene causing him to pause in the doorway.

Petra had sat herself behind Heidi, allowing the girl to lean back on her legs and chest in a reclining position. The nurse’s hands were working through the girl’s hair, her deft fingers twirling the long dark strands into a simple braid.

“I’ve always wanted a braid!” Heidi shared, squeezing her bear close to her chest. “I’m so excited! I hope it looks pretty.”

“Oh, it looks very pretty," Petra insisted, her light, chestnut eyes finally drifting towards the man that stood in the door. Her lips quirked up in a small smirk. "Doesn't it, Mr. Levi?"

Fighting the urge to groan at the use of mister before his name, the man closed the door to the hallway behind him before stepping fully into the room. "Oh yes - very pretty."

At his insistence, Heidi giggled - her little cheeks flushed now from the compliments.

Once the girl was situated back on her pillows - chatting with her bear about all the hairstyles she'd like to try to learn to do in the future - Petra turned to Heidi's dad, giving him a smile of appreciation.

Instead of wearing the t-shirt she had retrieved from him, he was wearing a dark blue one with the hospital logo that they sold in the gift shop. The woman had to smirk when she saw that.

"What are you -  a germaphobe?" She couldn't help but ask, remembering the wary look he had had on his face when she had handed the used t-shirt over. Though she couldn't blame him, being very particular about things like that herself, she couldn't hold back a laugh.

Levi shrugged. “Sure, let’s go with that.”

They stood there for a few silent beats, the only sound between them being that of Heidi's quiet voice as she chatted to Felix, the teddy bear. Finally, Levi pulled his hand out of his pocket, her key shining in his hand.

Petra held out her hand to receive it.

"Thank you for your hospitality." The man drawled, placing the object in the middle of her palm, a smirk teasing the corner of his lips. "Your lodgings were adequate enough, I guess."

After having heard from Heidi herself in the past hour of how her dad was a self-proclaimed 'clean freak' - the woman was not surprised at such a comment. In fact, knowing what she did now, it made her quietly chuckle.

“I’m glad.”

Petra called over her shoulder to Heidi that she would be back on the night shift in just a few hours, the girl happily waved at her as the woman made her way to the door. Knowing that she only had one more 12-hour shift for the week, the young nurse moved with a slight bounce in her step.

The realization that she probably only had one more night to spend with Heidi and her father had her pausing though.

Shaking her head, she attempted to rid her mind of the thought. She wasn't one to get attached to her patients and she definitely wouldn't start now.

Still, there was something in her heart that tugged every time she thought of Heidi’s sweet little face. Not only that, but the tug worsened every time she thought of Levi’s.

‘I need some sleep,’ She lamented to herself as she continued her way down the stairs.

Yes, sleep was all she needed.

-

Upon arriving on the 3rd floor for her fourth shift of the week, but third with Heidi, Petra was surprised to see the one and only, Erwin Smith exiting the room of her favorite patient.

She guessed she shouldn't be surprised by the appearance of the blonde man - given how much Heidi talked about him - however, what did surprise her was the grave expression present on his features. While not one to fear the worst, the furrow between his brows and the thin line of his lips had her heart sinking, just a bit.

After confirming with the day nurse that nothing had changed in Heidi's condition, Petra was able to breathe easier. Apparently, in the last hour, Dr. Shadis had even cleared the girl to return home whenever she pleased - however, both the Commander and Levi had convinced the doctor to extend her hospital stay by one day.

The day nurse said she had no idea what the reasoning was behind it but Petra had a good idea.

‘My home is a crime scene.’ Levi had said earlier in response to her pressures for him to go home and shower. The truth of the matter was, Petra feared that neither Levi nor Heidi had anywhere to go.

With that in mind, she entered the girl's room for her first round of medication with a slight hesitance in her gait.

Whatever nerves she had been feeling though dissipated at the sight of Heidi's joyful face.

"Miss Petra!" The girl exclaimed from her place in bed, arms wrapped around her teddy bear and now a large monkey plushie too. "Look what Uncle Erwin brought me!"

The woman was about to respond when a sort of grumbling coming from the direction of the chair caught her attention. Levi had his chin in his hand, his eyes glaring at the plush kitty that still sat on the bedside table untouched. Petra could see a hint of jealousy in his actions.

Dare she call it - adorable?

Though his mutterings weren't all that caught the woman's attention. The man had a whole new change of clothes on, the hospital t-shirt now stuffed away in the white bag that lay by his feet.

The commander must have brought him an extra pair of clothes.

Realizing that she hadn't ever answered Heidi's cheer, Petra smiled at the child who lay in the hospital bed. "Well isn't that a lovely surprise?"

Heidi nodded excitedly, hugging her plushies closer to her. “I think I’m going to name him Beast.”

"That's a lovely name," The nurse agreed, laughing quietly as she watched the girl's father roll his eyes. Despite the current levity in the atmosphere, the woman knew she wasn't going to be able to keep her mouth shut much longer.

Placing the cup of juice she had brought with her down on the bedside table, she busied herself preparing Heidi’s medication as she thought of how to brooch the topic.

“So, I heard Heidi’s been cleared to return home?”

Levi was silent for a moment, but she soon heard a grunt behind her. “It would appear that way.”

“I heard Dr. Shadis approved her for one more night in our care?”

Levi hummed in response, not saying anything more as the woman continued to arrange the pills. Her hands paused as she got to Heidi’s sleep medication.

“Will you be staying with Commander Erwin?”

At her question, the man remained silent - watching as Petra assisted Heidi with taking her pills. Always a brave patient, the girl barely grimaced as the nasty medication tumbled down her throat. When it was all over, the five-year-old simply laid back on her pillows, picking up right where she left off with her two stuffed animals.

It took Levi so long to respond that Petra figured he wouldn't say anything more on the subject - however, his quiet answer came soon enough, a sort of bitterness in his tone.

"No, we can't," He spat out, a rare show of his old reticence shining through. Petra could tell that it wasn't directed at her, though - it was more so in response to the situation. "Erwin thinks it's a bad idea for us to stay with anyone who's a part of the Survey Corps. If they had my address, who's to say they don't have any others?"

Petra had guessed this was the case by the way Commander Erwin had looked upon leaving the room. It was the look of a man who was used to solving problems, who just couldn't seem to solve this one.

Levi continued, missing the pensive look that settled across Petra's features. "He's trying to find somewhere cheap that we could stay, but at the end of the day, the Corps don't receive much funding. I barely make enough to pay for the place we have now and I'm still going to have to pay for it until my lease is up."

“You don’t think you’ll be able to go back after everything is cleaned up?” Petra asked, the wheels still turning in her head. Levi released a dry chuckle at the suggestion.

"I'm not going to make the brat stay in a home where she was almost killed. I may be a monster, but even I have more compassion than that." He spoke quietly, aware that Heidi was still very much awake and able to hear their conversation.

"There's no one you could reach out to and stay with?"

Levi laughed bitterly, once again. "The only people I know are either a part of the Survey Corps or thugs themselves, my options are pretty slim."

Petra nodded, quietly mulling over his words.

After a few moments, she made the offer she had entered the room willing to make.

“Why don’t you stay with me?”

Levi's brows rose, a look of mild shock commanding his features. Feeling uneasy from his reaction, Petra began to ramble in order to fill the awkward silence.

“I mean -,” She cleared her throat, hating how the words had come out as a mere squeak. “You said my lodgings were adequate, right?”

"Well, yes. But -,"

"I certainly wouldn't mind it - and you wouldn't have to pay me rent or anything! All I would need is maybe a little bit of money for groceries since I barely have any - and - uh - and I'm barely home anyway since I work so much, so it would probably be just like living alone!" The words left Petra in a rush, her brain working faster than her mouth as she tried to convince him that this option wouldn't be so bad. "I'm a pretty clean person, so you wouldn't have to worry about -,"

“Could you shut your damn mouth for a second?!”

The low growl of his voice had Petra pausing mid-ramble, her mouth hanging open as the man in the chair cleared his throat, in an attempt to get emotions back under control.

When he spoke again, his tone was even, incredulity evident in his words. "You really expect me to accept such charity?"

Petra closed her mouth, shrugging meekly. “I mean, do you have any other options?”

"Yeah, the street." The nurse found herself rolling her eyes at his words.

"What happened to not allowing any danger to fall upon your daughter again?" Petra asked, remembering their conversation from before. While the man's eyes flashed in anger at her implication, the woman didn't stop there. "Do you really think the safest place for your daughter currently is on the streets?”

The man was silent again.

“I can’t pay you.”

“I’m not asking you to.”

“I hate charity.”

"This isn't charity." Petra insisted, meeting his steely gaze with one of her own. "I'm honestly being selfish. I don't think I could sleep at night knowing that the two of you ended up on the streets when I could have helped.'

“Why would you do that for people you barely know?”

"I don't know," Petra answered, honestly - her eyes drifting to where Heidi lay still unaware of the serious conversation taking place next to her. "But something inside of me is telling me that it's the right thing to do."

Levi stared at her, his eyes narrowing in suspicion.

"So you would offer up your home to two strangers just because your heart is telling you to?”

While his comment was snide, Petra refused to back down. "And you would offer up your life to a cause that will most likely get you killed in the end? It seems like neither of us is very responsible when it comes to where our hearts lie."

The man couldn’t argue with that.

The room descended into a suffocating silence for a few moments, before Levi spoke again.

"What about Heidi?" He asked. "She stays home alone all day. Are you okay with a child residing by themselves in your apartment?"

"Not really," Petra admitted, though she had already thought about this. "But my friend who lives down the hall runs a daycare out of her home. I'm sure if I explained the circumstances, she would be willing to make an exception and let Heidi stay with her when you or I can't be at home."

Levi sighed, realizing she had thought this out a lot more than he had expected. “You’re not going to take no for an answer, are you?”

“Nope.” Petra smiled brightly, knowing that he was close to admitting defeat.

The man looked once more towards his daughter, who was now rubbing her tired eyes as she tried to win the battle against sleep.

“Fine.” He begrudgingly agreed, refusing to make eye contact with the now ecstatic ginger.

"Perfect!" The woman nearly exclaimed with glee - however, she kept her reaction quiet, aware of the presence of Heidi who was almost in the throes of sleep. "Leave all the planning to me. Heidi was cleared to stay one more night - so, once I finish my shift, I'll go home and get everything prepared for her discharge tomorrow afternoon."

Levi nodded, still not exactly happy about the situation.

"Don't think you're going to be able to stand around and mope, either," Petra warned, pulling the blanket up higher on Heidi's chest, the girl finally losing the battle against her eyelids. "I'm doing this because I want to, so I won't have you feeling guilty.

Levi shook his head, a smirk appearing on his features. "You're crazy."

"Maybe," Petra shrugged.

After picking up the empty glass of juice from the girl's bedside, Petra decided to take her leave, ready to attend to her other patients.

Before leaving the room, she turned back towards Levi, still sat in the chair with his arms crossed over his chest.

"We're going to figure this out," Petra assured him as she exited the room, smiling as he turned his face towards her - a look of apprehension on his features. "You, me, and Heidi - it'll work, I promise."

Though his answering smirk was tired, Petra could see that maybe - just maybe - he was starting to believe her.

[kokichi-and-co]

How did the warriors meet kokichi? Dunno if this was asked already

OOOOOOOH, I WAS WAITING TO GET THIS ASK-

"Well, around a year ago, I got contacted by Future Foundation. Said they had a new idea to 'kill two birds with one stone', and that it would help with trauma for not just one, but six people. I was a little confused, but I got called into Future Foundation Headquarters, and the five were sitting in a goddamn cell. No wonder they didn't trust adults. Anyway, I was told that I had the option to adopt them. I'd be provided with assistance, as well, though I do have stable income, and that these five were heavily traumatized, although I told them not to tell me. They'd be able to tell me on their own time. I relate to all five of the stories these kids told me, too. It's so obvious those kids had... no one. Just like I did. I don't want them to fall down the same path I did. Even if they're murderers, I don't care. It's not their fault they were used and abused by the very people they were supposed to be able to depend on."

"Masaru told me he got hit a lot, and I soon found out that the smell of alcohol made him very afraid. I only found this out after I took them to Miu's New Years party, and wine was involved. I didn't drink any, of course, because I do have children that are dependent on me, but he flew into a rage, trying to get rid of Miu. I ended up taking him home early, while Tenko watched the other four for me. She doesn't like men, but she adores children."

"Nagisa... Poor thing came home for the first time, and immediately started studying. When I pointed out that he still hadn't even gone to school yet, he asked me 'Well, what else do you do in this house?' Absolutely broke my heart. He has a bad habit of pushing himself past the limits, which usually ends with me forcibly taking his notes, and telling him to get some sleep, some food, and something to drink, and I promise to help him study more in the morning. He seems to love teaching me, so I pretend I didn't know about the topic, and he tells me. It's really very sweet to hear him talk about something he enjoys."

"Jataro had this fixed mindset that if he takes his mask off, he'll kill everyone, including his friends. Right now, I'm trying to work him up to self-confidence, so he can remove his mask. He's learned that love is painful, just like I did, though I have that word as a trigger. Still, I try to show him what real love is. The way nobody ever did for me growing up. Which includes being buried in my arms, and snuggling up with me and the other Warriors."

"Kotoko... My god, hers is the worst. I've prostituted myself before, to make enough money to provide for D.I.C.E., but being forced into it... Especially being as young as she was... My god. She was extremely distrustful of me at first. Which is probably a good thing. If she wasn't, she would've been absolutely eaten alive by now. She told me to be careful once while patching up an injury, and I told her I'd be as gentle as I possibly could. And I never thought I'd see someone as strong and brave as Kotoko breakdown like that... She begged me not to be gentle, and to do anything but gentle. I reassured her that, no, I wouldn't be gentle, assuming that was a trigger word. I ended up taking her out for ice cream as an apology, and she forgave me."

"Monaca... was a bit of a tough case. There was a lot she had to learn, like the fact that despair is worth nothing when she has people that care for her. She also had to learn that she was actually going to have all the things she never did. Food every day, a place to sleep, and always having someone to talk to. She used to resort to triggering her friends to make sure they wouldn't abandon her, and when I brought this up, she apologized and we all told her we'd never leave her. That we're all in this together forever. She's a very sweet little girl, too, and being around her can be straight-up therapy. She's sweet, supportive, and a great listener. Plus, she knows exactly how to take your mind off of things."

[hwallout]

caramel boy - ksh

You wondered if he tasted like caramel too.

The boy you'd often meet had the most beautiful smile, bronze skin, warm eyes and an inviting aura. His name was unknown, but still, you weren't stopped from nicknaming the cute stranger.

Caramel boy.

It was funny. The male always wore beige/light brown clothes that matched his skin tone and somehow reminded you of caramel. Alas, that wasn't the exact reason why he was titled as such. No; it was much simpler than that.

Whenever the boy visited the little shop you worked in, he'd buy caramel candy. You found it slightly strange but intriguing at the same time. The behavior continued for a few months but never in a stable pattern. He'd sometimes disappear for half a month, then visit every day for a week straight. Yet, the male would always buy the same kind of candy.

And every time he'd have the brightest smile on his face. Every time, except this one.

"They're for my girlfriend, she really loves these" The boy replied once you gathered enough courage to ask about the situation. His voice was soft and calm, but with furrowed brows and distanced gaze, he looked troubled.

Upon hearing the words, your heart ached for a short second before letting go.

The other was just a breath away, thanks to the thin counter separating you. It was possible to smell his scent from such close proximity. Surprisingly, or maybe not as much, the boy smelled of caramel. What a coincidence, right?

"Oh, that's very cute of you to be buying her candy" You answered, trying to hide the disappointment that was threatening to seep through words. The male absentmindedly nodded and paid for his purchase, before turning around and walking towards the exit. It was unusual to see him like this.

"Wait!" You were unsure what it is you wanted to ask at that moment. Still, the male stopped just a meter away from the glass door, patiently waiting for what's to come.

"What's your name?" That question took both by surprise. You guess it was slightly strange that after such a long time, you didn't know each other's names. Neither showed any kind of special reaction to it, though.

He turned around and finally smiled. The smile wasn't like the previous ones. It seemed forced and you quickly caught on to it. Something was wrong.

"Seunghun. It's nice to finally meet you" He answered, wondering if it would be appropriate to go back for a handshake. In the end, he decided not to.

"Nice to meet you too" Giving the other your own name, you watched him nod and wave a goodbye. Seemingly back to his previous state, Seunghun walked out in long, hurried steps and with a face full of worry.

You didn't see him for a while after that.

The next time Seunghun walked in through the glass door, it was almost two months after. He came in a few minutes before closing, eyes hooded and posture slightly hunched.

Exhausted, that's how you'd describe the other.

With a smile on your face, you began preparing the usual order, opening the transparent container and picking up a brown paper bag when-

"There's no need" Seunghun said. He approached the counter and leaned over it, head hanging low, body seeking a place to rest. Immediately, enveloped in worry, you ran around to grab a glass of water for the male.

"What happened?" You asked, setting the glass down and watching Seunghun down it in one gulp. Although tired and shocked, his thoughts were clear and ready to be explained.

"I've been cheated on, that's what happened" Seunghun's voice was small, it broke on the last syllable and it looked as if he was about to start crying. You audibly gasped, unable to believe the words your ears picked up. It seemed illogical and unreal, yet there the boy was, confirming it.

"It's been going on for two months. I was suspicious of it but always stupid enough to convince myself she'd never do that" He continued, tightened fist coming up to lightly hit his temple. You immediately jumped up, taking the fist in your soft hand, not allowing the other to harm himself. Seunghun looked up and smiled weakly, but unlike the last, this one seemed to be sincere. The smell of caramel once again filled the small space.

The dots for why he wasn't in his best element last time connected quickly. Maybe it would be better not to question any more things.

"I'm sorry to hear that" You added, opting to continue rubbing unrecognizable patterns on Seunghun's still tightened fist. Gradually, you felt it relax, palm slowly moving in the right direction so his fingers could interwine with yours.

"It's okay. I should've known better"

Unexpectedly, something seemed to snap and you lunched forwards, enveloping the other in a strong hug. With Seunghun's face burried into the crook of your neck, you feel his growing smile on the burning skin.

The hug seemed to go on forever. Neither moved.

Weeks passed and so have numerous dates along with them. It was actually you who first invited the cute caramel boy on a date, masking it as a normal outing after a tiresome day. Seunghun and you seemed to click immediately, getting to know each other more and more with every ticking second, discovering just how perfectly compatible you are.

With the ending of the fifth (official) date, two souls walked through a little public garden. There were thousands of smells in the broad area, but none were nearly as strong as the one of the boy beside you.

Seunghun never once stopped smelling like the darn candy he always used to buy. Throughout time, you grew to love it, probably even more than his previous partner did.

Once in the center of the garden, you climbed the little circular podium, enjoying the shallow pond in the middle. The water was filled with colorful fish and white lillies that just seemed to come to life at this point of the night.

Seunghun was slow and quiet while approaching, steps careful as in a panther. He didn't want to scare, rather pleasantly surprise as his hands wrapped around your waist, pulling you around. His eyes were as adoring as ever, two brown orbs emitting insane amounts of warmth. Not able to look away, you stared back at the other, unconsciously smiling wide as the grip around your waist tightened.

Seunghun's face inched closer to yours, checking if all of his movements were okay with you. Once just a breath away, you impatiently closed the distance, cupping his small face with both of your hands.

Seunghun smiled into the kiss, enjoying the rhythm of two euphoric heartbeats beating against each other.

And that's exactly when you got the answer. The one that you still sought, even after such a long time.

He did taste like caramel.

[stoopsbookstore]

Kinktober Day 14 (10/14/2019)

Kinks - Dacryphilia (Crying) & Hybristophilia (Fetish of knowing your partner just commited a crime a.k.a. Bonnie and Clyde)

"Did you hear about the possible theft happened in town?"

"No, but do you think it's the same hooded guy who's been all over the wanted posters?!"

"Oh my God, what if he tried attacking the princess?!"

"Is that why she's being locked in a tower?!"

"He killed that vanguard, maybe he's escalating to the princess!"

Rumors spread throughout the kingdom, not letting up for even a second. They said that the princess was attacked by a hooded man, or that she was pregnant by one of the butlers.

"Do you think it was Jaemin?"

"Hell no, he's too much of a child. Maybe it was Johnny, the stable boy."

"She does go to the garden a lot and he is always th-"

The gossip stopped as Y/N walked by the two slackers, Yuta and Jaemin in tow.

"Don't you think you should focus on cleaning the palace instead of whose cock I'm jumping on or if someone wants to slash my throat?"

The four servants were stunned at the mood changes in Y/N, she never had been this mean, even if she was scolding or busting them. It was like she had been possessed. The flowers in the garden wilted and were eventually taken over by weeds. The entire atmosphere of the palace felt drained. Y/N walked the halls like a ghost, floating through the corridors. Letters in her hands that she refused to let anyone even look at.

Yuta and Jaemin watched Y/N walk up the stairs to her temporary tower, the tall, winding spiral staircase hopefully a deterrent for any who try to attack. Yuta noticed one of the letters at the first step, picking up and reading the contents.

"Do you think he went after her?"

"No," Yuta looked at the younger male, patting his back in assurance, "he's a criminal, but Taeyong said something like he's chaotic good, he steals from the rich and gives to the poor. He wouldn't have attacked Y/N. Also, based on these letters, it seems like they have a relationship."

"Why do you think she's been so quiet then?"

"Broken heart?" Yuta shrugged before Chaeyeon came up, ripping the letter out of his hands.

"What the hell do you think you're doing with that letter?"

"It was on the ste-"

"It's meant for Princess Y/N and no one else," Chaeyeon barked at Yuta, her eyes with a glint of annoyance, walking up the stairs to deliver the note.

"So you know about the boy on the wanted poster?" Chaeyeon stopped as the younger male bared his teeth, "do you know him?!"

"I could ask you little shits the same question," Chaeyeon bit back, "now if you excuse me, I need to deliv-"

"Get back to work, you three."

Shindong, the head butler yelled at the trio at the base of the tower, breaking up the impromptu meeting. Yuta and Jaemin kept their heads down while Chaeyeon walked up the staircase to the princess.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the tower, Y/N didn't do much except read or sleep, hours upon hours of nothing. Night had begun, the sun going down in the sky causing a glow in the room that comforted the princess, the sky a golden bronze turning into a deep void.

Y/N walked over to the desk pushed up against the wall, the wanted poster and a familiar face. Tears begun swelling up, falling onto the parchment, causing it to shiver up even more.

A knocking on the floot entrance made Y/N jump back.

"Y/N, it's Yuta! We only have a few minutes until someone checks in on you, open up!"

Y/N bent down and reached for the handle of the hatch, opening it only for three boys scattering in the small space.

"Have you been cryi-"

Jaemin was cut off by Doyoung's cloak engulfing Y/N, the girl audibly sobbing as the criminal swayed back and forth, comforting the princess.

"What happened?" Y/N asked Doyoung, her voice weak and breaking as she noticed the blood on his neck.

"I'll tell you all about it, I just needed to see you," Doyoung brushed his thumbs over Y/N's cheeks before placing a chaste kiss on her forehead.

"Yuta, Jaemin, what's going on?" Y/N broke out of her lover's hold to scold the two servants, the duo looking around for any sort of answers.

"Your highness, please don't be mad."

"We've been helping him," Jaemin's confession spilled out of his lips like a waterfall, Yuta contorting his body in discomfort as he tried to hide himself, "we've been taking some jewelry and goods so he can give them to his friends. We helped him come in through the kitchen every night. He's a good guy, we prom-"

"I know he's a good guy, Jaemin," Y/N's eyes red and cheeks itchy from the tears, "I just didn't realize you've been helping him."

"Are we in trouble?" Yuta looked up from the floor, his eyes pleading for forgiveness, but there was no need to plead.

"Go get bandages and antiseptic," Y/N lifted the hatch once more, "be quiet and careful, don't let anyone know what's going on."

Yuta and Jaemin hurried down the stairs, the opening now closed as Y/N went back to hugging the hooded figure. Doyoung's arms squeezed Y/N's waist, trying to bring the girl impossibly close to him.

"I've been worried about you, Yuta told me they put you in a tower because of me," Doyoung walked the pair out to the small bed, just barely big enough for the two, "I never wanted to hurt you."

"Did you really kill that man?" Y/N was straddling Doyoung's lap, her arms around his neck, her nightgown bunching up, "Doyoung, please tell me the truth."

Doyoung tilted Y/N's chin up, their eyes meeting each other, "do you want the truth?"

Y/N bit her lip, scared to know the answer, but wanting the truth.

Running her hands through his hair, he was debating on what to tell the girl in his lap. He was panicking, the room now only lit by a few candles on the walls, Y/N looking more ethereal. Doyoung didn't realize his mouth had opened until Y/N gasped.

"Yes."

Y/N stood up, half in shock, half in acknowledgement, her eyes growing glossy again.

"Y/N, it was self-defense," Doyoung mimicked her actions, standing up, tears falling on his cheek, "I didn't want to, but he attacked som-"

"Chaeyeon."

"She told you?"

"Who do you think has been bringing me the letters?" Y/N let out a breath of relief, "she told me about that night, I pieced it together when I saw the posters going up. I thought the worst."

Doyoung walked up to Y/N, kissing her in a moment of passion, "I don't ever want you to think the worst of me. I promise I only do good when I'm being bad."

Y/N smiled through the tears, Doyoung standing in front of her in comfortable silence. She pulled off her nightgown to reveal her body, only panties covering her. Doyoung took off his cloak, new wounds covering his arms, her hands tracing over each one.

"I know I'm not the prince you thought you would be in love," Doyoung helped Y/N to the bed, moving papers and books out of the way, Y/N sitting on the wood as Doyoung began kissing her body, "but I promise I will be the best man I can be, god you're so beautiful."

Y/N responded to Doyoung's touches with whines and moans, his praises felt sll throughout her body. Y/N kept her head on Doyoung's chest, her hands scratching down his back as his fingers began to play in her panties. Doyoung instantly started working on Y/N's clit, his other hand on her back, holding Y/N close to him, her tears still flowing.

"Don't cry, I'm here for you," Doyoung pulled his hand away from Y/N, "come on, not on a desk."

Y/N hopped off the desk, following Doyoung as he gently laid her down on the mattress, kissing and loving her body.

"You just killed someone," Y/N's voice cracked.

"To protect another," Doyoung kissed up Y/N's stomach to her neck, snuggling into the flesh, "I don't do anything horrible."

"You're a wanted criminal," Y/N pulled on Doyoung's hair, a growl coming out of his throat.

"Who you're in bed with," Doyoung pulled down Y/N's panties, throwing them aside, burying his face into Y/N's slit as he began to eat her out.

"Doyoung," Y/N's body was drained from all the crying, everything already sensitive, "I don't wa-want you t-"

"You want me to stop?" Doyoung halted his actions, confused, "I thou-"

"Just make love to me please," Y/N's voice cracked again, Doyoung untying the lace on his pants and chucking them to meet Y/N's discarded panties.

Doyoung pumped himself, rubbing his cock up and down in Y/N's essence. He pushed into her, bottoming out as he pulled her closer to him. His thrusts began almost immediately, Y/N keeping her mouth shut so they won't get caught, her hands on his lower back.

"My princess, I never want to see you crying again," the passion in the crimnial's thrusts meeting Y/N's hips in beat with the starting rain, "I want to see you happy forever, I want you to be mine forever. God, I wish I could fill you up without the kingdom knowing."

Y/N let out a ecstatic moan, Doyoung's dirty talk bringing her closer and closer to the edge she was ready to jump off of.

"Having children with you would be the best thing, they would have an amazing life," Doyoung felt Y/N clenching around him, "just a little bit more, princess."

Y/N felt her legs shake as Doyoung moved his hand to her clit, rubbing at the same pace of his hips.

Y/N came with a silent moan, her eyes shutting tight as she felt Doyoung's semen leak out of her, the liquid feeling warm on her thighs.

"You're so perfect," Doyoung kissed her forehead, pulling out, but holding Y/N in a calm aura, the only noise coming from the downpour that suddenly emerged outside.

Y/N got herself out of Doyoung's grasp, laying down and wrapping herself in the blanket. Doyoung uncovered her for a second, grabbing her discarded night gown to wipe her down. Y/N's eyes started to flutter shut, Doyoung kissing her cheek before spotting the wanted poster.

'Fuck, I have to go,' he wanted to say, he really did, but with the entire kingdom looking for him, he couldn't risk himself and potentially Y/N for his own selfish wants.

As Doyoung was about to leave, his wrist was held by Y/N's hand, her body covered by the blanket, her eyes tired from the roller coaster of emotions.

"Stay, please."

Doyoung grabbed his cloak, placing it over Y/N's shoulder before crawling into bed with her.

"For tonight and forever."

[benhardyisdaddy]

Love Of My Life - Part 4

MASTERLIST 

(oof hello um first off, (you'll understand when u get to it) i didn't want to put a specific name on the thing john is going through, because i feel like that may have been a trigger to some, so forgive me if its confusing <3)

Word Count: 2,713

The ambulance ride to the hospital was the longest moment in your life. The thirty minute route felt like years. The moment you had called Roger, he heard the panic in your voice. You hadn’t even told him what had happened and he was already on his way.

“Hello?” he asked as the voice of a girl was heard in the background.

All you could do was sit next to John and run your hand over his cheek, in an attempt to wake him up. You weren’t sure how you were even going to speak. You couldn’t stop sobbing. You were terrified. More than terrified. The only thing pushing you forward was knowing that John was breathing. He chest slowly rose and fell, allowing you to realize that he was still alive. You felt like your chest was caving in as you tried to breathe, but can’t. It just came out as loud gasps.

“Rog-” you sobbed out. “It’s John… Help...”

That’s all you had to say. You hear a rustling noise on his line and the shout of a girl asking ‘where the hell are you going’. The sound of a door slams shut and you can hear him running outside.

“Y/n,” he says. “I’ll be there in five.”

The line went dead as you drop your phone and look back to John. The thought of calling an ambulance hadn’t even crossed your mind. Only to call Roger. You were in utter shock at this point. Your brain felt scrambled as you raise John’s head and place it on your legs for cushion. You run your hand through his hair and silently pray to yourself.

“John,” you barely whisper. “Baby,”

You’re sat like this for several more minutes until your front door bursts open, making you jump. Roger runs in and looks around, spotting the two of you on the ground. He freezes for a moment as he watches John lie there, motionless. He’s quickly snapped back to reality as you call out to him. He hurries to the two of you and drops to his knees. His fingers immediately go to John’s neck to feel a pulse. He sighs in relief when he feels one.

“What happened?” he gently asks you.

You looked terrified. Like a helpless child. You looked loss. It broke Roger’s heart. You open your mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. Only gasps. Roger leans forward and cups your face to make you look at him. You relax a bit as you look into his eyes. He was the strong one at the moment and that’s what you needed.

“Babe, look at me,” he says. “What happened?” he asks once more.

You shake your head as more tears fall.

“His face went pale and he just… Fell. He just fell.” you cry out as you look back down at your husband.

Roger leans forward to look at John. He gently taps John’s face in an attempt to wake him up.

“John,” he says loudly. “It’s Roger. Wake up, buddy. Okay? You need to wake up.”

Nothing happens. You watch as Roger suddenly gets scared.

“John!? I really need you to wake up, okay? I called an ambulance, they’re on their way. So I just need you to wake up!”

Roger is frustrated at the fact that he’s so helpless. Suddenly, you look up at the sound of sirens getting closer. Roger looks to you quickly and you both look back at John. The ambulance was almost there.

***

The waiting part was excruciating. They wouldn’t allow either of you back to see him. You argued with everyone, reminding them that you’re his wife. They explained that they were running tests and that nobody was allowed back. They informed you that John was stable, just exhausted. When asked what had caused him to faint, they wouldn’t tell you anything. They kept using the same excuse ‘we’re still trying to figure that out’. You were racking your brain as you paced back and forth in the waiting room. Roger sat in a chair in front of you as you go back and forth. You couldn’t sit still. Rog watched you the whole time and wanted to comfort you, but didn’t know how. He wasn’t sure what to do. He felt something deep in his bones that something was wrong. He wasn’t sure why. He tried so hard to wipe away this anxious feeling, but it was no use. It was glued to him.

“It’s been five fucking hours!” you hiss. “What more tests could they possibly be doing!?”

You run your hands over your face as you exhale. Roger stands up and walks over to you. He lightly grabs your arm to make you stop pacing. You turn to look at him and you realize now how tired he looks. His eyes were bloodshot from crying and the bags under his eyes were darker than usual. You release a breath you didn’t know you were holding and relax under his touch.

“It’s okay,” he says softly. “They’re helping him. John wouldn’t want you to be upset right now, okay? Sit, relax. You want something from the vending machine?”

You shake your head no as you make your way over to a chair that faces the doors leading back to where John was. Roger was still stood over by the corner as he watched you shake your leg due to anxiety. You couldn’t sit still when you were nervous and he was realizing that. Roger began to make his way to the vending machine to retrieve you a snack, even though you said no. As he was about to reach it, the doors fling open and out walks a women with a white coat on. She looks around and her eyes land on you. Roger pauses and instantly knows that she’s John’s doctor. Your head flies up at the sound of the doors opening and you watch as she walks towards you.

“Mrs. Deacon?” she asks.

You nod quickly and jump up.

“Yes!” you say, stepping towards her.

Roger rushes over to you as the nurse sadly smiles.

“You can see him now.” she says, looking over to Roger. “It’s only family allowed back there-” starts the doctor.

“He’s his brother.” you say fast.

Roger looks down at you and smiles at how quickly you defend him. You glance up and return one. The nurse smiles to you two and turns around to head for the doors. You both follow behind her as you enter a narrow hallway with doors all around. The nurse takes a right and continues walking.

“How is he?” you ask, hoping to get any kind of information.

The doctor looks back to you and once more smiles.

“He’s awake and stable. I know you need to see him, so just enjoy each other for a moment and then we’ll talk about it.”

It. What did that mean? What was ‘it’? You look up to Roger fast and he looked just as concerned as you do. He places his hand on your lower back as you continue walking. The three of you walk up to two large double doors that were blocked off. There’s a sign on the wall next to it reading ICU. You instantly know what that means.

“He’s in the intensive care unit?” you ask nervously.

The doctor nods her head as she takes her badge and scans it on something by the door. The two doors slowly open up, allowing you all to walk once more.

“We weren’t sure what was going on with him when he arrived. The ICU was the only place we could take him.” she explains.

It felt like you three were walking for forever. You were so nervous to see John. You suddenly feel yourself starting to shake out of fear. You attempted to take deep, calm breaths, but that didn't help. Roger noticed you shivering and was about to speak just as your hand reached down and nervously grabbed his for support. He smiles a bit as he squeezes it, letting you know he’s there for you.

“You’re husband is in room 404 just a few doo-”

Before she can finish her sentence, you let go of Roger’s hand and run towards the door. It’s closed and you know you should knock before entering, but you can’t help yourself. You’ve waited so long to see him, that you needed to right away. You turn the handle and open the door up. There sat on the hospital bed was your handsome husband. He was sitting up with all kinds of wires and tubes connected to him. He has an IV attached to his arm as some kind of fluid drips into it. His eyes look extremely tired, but they brighten up when they land on you. The biggest grin was glued to his face as you try to smile through tears. You slowly walk in as Roger and the doctor lingered outside by the door, watching you two.

“Hi, baby.” he whispers to you.

You exhale and melt at the sound of his sweet voice. You rush over to him and gently lean forward to hug him. You make sure not to squeeze in fear of hurting him. He realizes what you’re doing and laughs.

“Sweetie, you’re not gonna hurt me.”

You nuzzle your head in the side of his neck and kiss it. Being in his arms again was like finally being home. You felt so safe when he held you. John lightly kisses the top of your head and you smile against him.

“I missed you so much.” you whisper. “I was so scared.”

John squeezes you a bit and kisses you once more before leaning back and making you look up at him. He takes in every detail of your face and smiles as he runs his thumb over your tear stained cheek.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispers, his face falling slightly. “Everything around me went white and next thing I know, I’m here.”

You stare into his eyes as you bring your hand up and run your finger over his bottom lip. He smiles against it as you lean up and gently kiss him. John tenses as you kiss. He wants to be able to kiss you like this every day until the end of time, but he knows that can’t happen. You break away and continue to smile up at him as you lay down on the bed next to him and rest your head on his chest. He wraps his arm over your shoulder and holds you close to him, almost scared that he’ll lose you. You relax against him as the doctor knocks at his door. The two of you turn to look over at her as she and Rog walk inside. Roger looks between the two of you and smiles. He looks a lot calmer now that he got to see John was okay. Or so he thought.

“I’m so happy you’re okay, mate.” says Rog, as he rushes up and hugs him.

Tears sting at his eyes as he sniffles a bit. He backs away and wipes his hand over his eyes. John smiles up to him as he rubs your arm.

“Thank you for taking care of her.” says John, pulling you even closer to him.

You look up to Roger as he looks down at you. You both smile as you look away. Roger nods his head and takes in a deep breath.

“Always.” he says back.

The doctor makes her way next to John’s side of the bed. She pulls up her chair and sits down on it. In her hand is a clipboard. Roger looks around and spots a chair on your side of the bed and sits down on it.

“Are you ready?” asks the doctor, looking at John.

He sadly smiles to her and nods his head. She smiles back and looks down at her clipboard. She looks back up and takes a deep breath before speaking. At first, the words she’s saying makes no sense. You didn’t catch on until the words ‘stage four’ hit you. You were frozen as you listened to every disappointing word slip from her mouth. You felt John look at you as you just stared at the doctor, not able to take your eyes off of her. Every cell in your body felt like they were about to give up. You found yourself not even able to breathe as she explained that a treatment plan could possibly work for John, but it could also not. She explained that this condition is what caused John to faint and that it could happen several more times. Being in shock was an understatement. You felt your whole entire world fall and burn all around you. Your heart’s racing as tears began to sting in your eyes. John wasn’t the only one looking at you. So was Roger.

The moment he heard the doctor speak those words, his eyes instantly fell on you. He couldn’t look away. He knew how hard and difficult this was for you and his heart broke for you both. His best friend was sick and his other best friend was helpless. If he could take this from John, he would in a heartbeat. The doctor’s words started to become background noise as he watched how hard you were trying not to cry. He knows you were trying to be strong for John. You always were. He glances over to John and watches as he stares at you as well. His eyes were so full of love for you. The way he stared at you as if you were the most precious thing on this whole entire planet. It was almost intament, so Roger looks away. The doctor finishes talking and watches you for a moment as you attempt, but fail, to process all of this.

“No,” is all you can whisper.

The doctor frowns as John watches you heartbroken. He was the one sick, but he needed to protect you first.

“I am so sorry. There is never an easy way to tell someone that kind of information. It’s going to take you both a while to process it, and that’s okay.”

You look to John and watch as his eyes are on you. You furrow your brows and shake your head. He doesn’t look shocked or anything by this news. He was watching you for your reaction.

“You already knew.” you whisper.

John’s face falls as he looks away for a split second, something he does when he’s been caught. He takes in a deep breath and nods.

“They told me the moment they found out.”

“And how long ago was that?” you ask, sitting up more.

John hesitates a moment before answering.

“Two hours ago.”

You gasp and look away from him. Your heart was so broken by everything that was happening. The love of your life was sick and this time there was no way for you to help him.

“That’s okay,” you say. “We’ll change your diet and get you on vitamins. We should go walking every day and get those healthy drinks that you like so much-”

John half smiles as he watches you try to figure everything out. He reaches forward and cups your face gently, making you stop. You look into his eyes as tears fall from yours. His touch was so soft and warm, you melt against him. You bring your hand up and place it over one of his. Your chin quivers as he smiles to you.

“It’s okay,” he says softly. “Everything’s gonna be okay.”

You slightly nod against his hands and he leans forward to kiss you. Roger is still sat there as he wipes away tear after tear. He then has a thought come in his head and he says it before thinking.

“How long?” he asks.

All three of you look over to him and your heart almost stops. You can’t believe he’d ask that. You stare at him shocked while John just sadly smiles at him. You turn your head and look to the doctor, who shifts uncomfortably under all of your gazes. Her half smiles drops as her eyes turn sad.

“Six months.”

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[fanficsaremylifeline]

Life wasn’t fair. Not that this was really news to Merlin; the universe had managed to screw him over at every turn imaginable.

First, something decides to give him magical powers. That should be considered a blessing, but no. What did it get him? Persecution, saving some clotpole-prat from everybody it seems and, if he wasn’t saving the prince’s backside, he got to scrub his boots, mend his knickers and muck out the stables.

And now Merlin was just supposed to continue working for that royal arse after he killed her? Granted, Arthur didn’t know about Merlin’s feelings. Then again, it’s not like he really knew anything about his manservant…

But Merlin didn’t care about that pompous prick right now. Merlin was above all heart-broken.

He had been ready to drop everything, leave Camelot behind for a simple life, a nice cottage by the lake, with mountains, a couple of cows and oh so many strawberries; just him and Freyja, living in peace. But that was just too much to ask, wasn’t it?

A knock on the door ripped Merlin out of his thoughts. Gaius poked his head through the door, shooting the young warlock some very pitiful looks.

“Gaius.”

“Merlin. How are you feeling?”

“I feel freaking fantastic”, Merlin deadpanned and sat up in his bed. “Let me guess, his royal highness needs help tying his shoes.” As aware as he was about how bitter he sounded, Merlin cared even less.

“I have informed Prince Arthur that you unfortunately have come down with a very nasty and infectious inflamation of the throat and will have to be kept isolated for three days.”

“Oh… Thank you. Why?”

“Well…” Gaius closed the door behind him and sat himself next to Merlin on the bed. “You might not have told me everything, but I do recognize a broken heart when I see one.”

“Is it that obvious?”

“To someone who knows you… I’m so sorry, I can only imagine what she meant to you.” He gently patted Merlin’s am and it took a lot for him to stop the tears from rolling down his cheek. “And you deserve to grief her.”

“Thank you, Gaius.”

“Just know I’m right there, if you need me.” With a warm smile, Gaius got up and left Merlin by himself again. Huh, with a guardian like Gaius, maybe the universe wasn’t all that cruel after all.

Day three of Merlin’s ‘quarantine’. He had snuck out early that morning, intend not to be caught by Gaius or any guard that would spare him more than just a fleeting glance.

And now he sat by the lakeside.

“Freyja, it’s me, Merlin. I miss you, I really do. A lot actually. Gaius was so kind to cover for me with Arthur so I could take some time off and so I came here. Felt like the natural choice, there’s mountains, the lake, I even brought strawberries!” He got a little wicker basket out of his satchel. “They’re delicious.”

“Listen, I’ve been thinking. It’s pretty much the only thing I did the last few days. What pains me the most is how that stupid destiny took our future away. And… I don’t want to lose what we could have had.”

“My mother told me about this ritual that developed over the years of persecution. There was no room, no possibility for proper hand-fasting. Those couples didn’t have any druids or priestesses around, there was no walking through fire, they were just not supposed to be united. All this ritual takes is a bracelet, just like this one.” Merlin got the metal band out of his satchel. “I know it’s nothing fancy. But we don’t need that. The way this ritual works is that once infused with magic, the band would be broken in two.” Merlin let his magic work. The bracelet shimmered golden, like his eyes, and broke into two pieces, leaving a jagged edge. “You see, this is like a jigsaw, only those two pieces will ever make a perfectly whole band again.”

Merlin stared down at his hands, one part of the cuff in each. He let the time pass him by, as he listened to the soft waves crashing against the rock he was sitting on and watched the sunlight bouncing off the bronze metal.

“I know this is silly, but… I don’t know, it feels like an opportunity to safe the bit of future we deserved. So…” With a deep breath and a wide smile, he put one half over his wrist. “Perfect fit”, he grinned.

He held the other half up, letting it float through the air, towards the middle of the lake. “In life as in death be forever one”, Merlin whispered as the first tears rolled down his cheek.

“In life as in death, be forever one”, he repeated a little louder. The band was by now hovering out on the lake, seemingly circling its destination.

“In life as in death”, Merlin repeated for the third and last time, “be forever one.” With that, the brass cuff dropped into the water.

Merlin didn’t stay much longer. After he had collected himself again and wiped the last tears off his face, he made his way back to Camelot.

If the lake suddenly started glowing in all the hues of gold, it didn’t last long enough for anybody who wasn’t intently staring at it to notice. Merlin had long since turned away though, halfway back in Camelot already. And even if he were still sitting by the lake, chances are he would not have noticed, for his current main concern was: How the hell was he supposed to explain to Gaius that he just married his dead girlfriend?

Naturally, Gaius had realized that Merlin had snuck out in the morning; as Merlin tiptoed back into the physician’s chambers, he was already awaited by his guardian. “Well, Merlin, it seems the quarantine is working out”, he remarked, barely looking up from the book of herbs he was currently invested in.

“I do actually feel a little better.” Merlin sat himself down opposite Gaius and shot him a contrite smile. “I am sorry for sneaking out.”

“I understand. Just leave me a note next time, will you?”

“Of course.”

“Good. By the way, both Gwen and Morgana have asked about your well-being. So has the prince, though unlike the girls he did not wish you the best.”

“Of course he didn't”, Merlin scoffed with a shake of his head. “Luckily I’ll be back to helping that prat getting dressed tomorrow. Wallowing in self-pity is not going to do me any good and it would probably be best if I keep myself busy.”

“Wise choice”, the man nodded and locked eyes with Merlin. “Are you going to tell me where you went?”

“I was just out”, Merlin shrugged in answer, “had to just… you know?”

“If by 'you know’ you mean getting married…”, Gaius remarked and nodded at the brass bracelet on Merlin’s wrist.

Of course, Gaius would notice right away… “Are you mad because you weren’t invited?” Maybe this conversation would go by easier or faster, if Merlin could joke his way through it.

Gaius gave a soft chuckle. “I am not, since not even the bride was invited…”

“It’s not like that”, Merlin defended his action. “It’s… It’s a long story. In short, this:”, he held the cuff out to Gaius, “is a memory of a future that died with Freyja.”

“It might not be what you want to hear right now, but one day you will love someone like that again.”

“That’s not what I mean.” He took a deep breath, trying to collect his thoughts. “I will never be able to have this. Destiny’ll always make sure of that. We tried, we did, but in the end Arthur and that damn destiny will always get in the way of that.” Merlin sank back in the chair and wiped a tear that made its way down his cheek off his face. “This handfasting ritual was for people that couldn’t be together, that weren’t supposed to be together.” Merlin traced the jagged edge of the band and a small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. “At least this way I can be connected to her and at least keep the vision of what could have been alive.”

“That sounds like a wonderful way to honour Freyja and your relationship.”

Merlin looked up and met Gaius’ gaze. The older man smiled widely, but his eyes were so much sadder for it.

“Yeah…”

“Well, I suggest you go off to bed now. As of tomorrow you will be no longer contagious and required to go back to work.”

Work. Right. As in slaving around for the guy that killed his wife. No, Merlin was not in the mood for a debate about right and wrong, so he better keep that thought to himself. “You’re right”, he agreed instead. “If I know that clotpole, he’ll have me work thrice as hard to make up for missing work…. Good night, Gaius.”

Just before he closed the bedroom door behind him, Merlin put his head through one last time. “And Gaius?”

The physician had already given his attention back to the book in front of him, with the sound of Merlin’s voice he looked up once more. “Yes, Merlin?”

“Thank you.” With a small smile, Merlin closed the door and disappeared in his room.

And, for the first time in days, Merlin even managed to sleep soundly.

***

Arthur was the worst. Was it too much to ask for a friendly: “Good morning, are you feeling better?” Instead, Merlin got a “you’re late. Hurry, my coat needs cleaning before this afternoon’s knighting ceremony.”

“Hello Arthur, it is nice to see you, too.” With an eyeroll, Merlin grabbed the coat and thusly started an excruciatingly long day of slaving around for Prince clotpole. What was nice though, was every time he ran into Gwen or Morgana, both of whom were concerned about his health and were very happy to see him up and running.

As he trotted back to his chamber at the end of the day, he could just fall asleep standing. If Gaius hadn’t kept talking on him during dinner, Merlin would probably have keeled over snoring. And with his luck, he’d probably have landed in the bowl of soup in front of him.

“You have been on a break for three days. How are you already out of practice?”, Gaius wondered.

“Because the prince is a sadistic… prat.” Merlin would have said worse, but he was currently too tired to think of fitting insults.

“It’s hard to argue with destiny…”

“No”, Merlin shot back, “we can discuss this in the morning when my brain doesn’t have the structural integrity of Prince Arthur’s ego.”

He waved lazily at Gaius as he headed into his room and leaned against the closed door inside.

“Finally, you are home! I’ve been waiting all day long!”

Merlin had to be dreaming. It was the only explanation as to why he saw Freyja sitting on his bed.

“That’s not fair.” Merlin just shook his head. “It’s just not fair.”

“What isn’t?”

“That I keep on seeing you everywhere!” He tried not to cry out in frustration; he didn’t exactly want Gaius to have a front-row seat to his hallucinations. All day long, wherever he was, whatever he did, Freyja was always right there and it drove Merlin mad with sadness.

“So let me get this straight. You don’t want me around?”

“I want Freyja around!” He looked up at the figure on his bed, “But it’s not like you are her…”

“Oh really?”, she grinned, “then why did you marry me?” She held up her arm and traced the cuff on her wrist.

“Since you’re only a figment of my imagination, you damn well know.” Merlin was done with this. The sooner he’d fall asleep, the sooner she’d disappear. So he just dropped on the mattress, as far from her as he could and buried himself into his pillow. “Just let me sleep.”

***

When Merlin woke up the next morning, Freyja was still there, sitting beside his bed. “Good morning!”, she greeted him with a smile. “Did you sleep well?”

“Oh, you got to be kidding me”, Merlin groaned as he glanced through half-open eyes. “What are you still doing here?”

“Putting you out of your misery.”

“Fine”, he shrugged. “Just give me a quick death.”

“Merlin. I’m really here. You’re not imagining me.” She slipped the bracelet off her wrist. “In life as in death. Forever one.”

“Wait…” Suddenly wide awake, Merlin sat up, very aware that his mouth was gaping wide open. He pulled the cuff off his own wrist and put the two together. Perfect fit. Undoubtedly the cuff he threw in the lake.

“Freyja?”

“Hi Merlin”, she smiled. “You can’t touch me”, she explained as he made a motion to move. “I’m still dead, I’m just my ghost.”

“Oh.” Merlin leaned back, not quite sure what to make of this very situation.

“Yeah…” She put the cuff back on her wrist. “You’re also the only one that can see me.”

Merlin was admittedly lost for words.

“Yeah, it’s a lot to take in, I get that”, she admitted. “I can leave, if it’s too much.”

“No, no, no, don’t go”, Merlin was quick to answer. “I… I just need a moment. So, the ritual…”

“It bound us together, our souls that is.” Freyja scooted closer; if she was more than a spirit, their feet would be touching. “It’s a beautiful thing that you did. And not just because it brought me back; sort of at least.”

“If I had known that would happen, I’d have done it sooner.” He felt a little flush creeping over his cheeks.

“Before or after we’d have run off together?”

Merlin could just snickered back at that. “I believe it would have been the perfect way to christen our new lakeside home.”

“That does sound pretty perfect.”

“Right? If it weren’t for that stupid Emrys-Albion destiny…”

“Hey”, she interrupted him with the softest smile. “Destiny is not what our relationship is about.” Gently, she put her hand over his and Merlin could have sworn he felt her touch. “Our relationship is about the mountains, living by a lake, a few fields with a couple of cows and gorging ourselves with strawberries.” At that, she started to giggle and it was the most beautiful sound Merlin had ever heard; he couldn’t help but smile along.

“I mean, that’s what this represents, right?” Freyja first traced her bracelet, before tracing Merlin’s. “A symbol for this little world that’s only for us; where you’re not some burdened warlock and I’m not a cursed killing machine…”

“Where we can be just Freyja and Merlin”, he finished the train of thought.

“We can still have that. Right now, it’s just us. And sure, Gaius will probably soon come stomping through that door, asking if you plan on sleeping all day long, but I’m not going anywhere. If we can’t leave Camelot, fine. We’ll just create our own lakehouse moments. Even if it will include so much less strawberries than I hoped for”, she added with a skew grin.

“I love you.” It was all, Merlin managed to beam at Freyja who blushed a little and beamed right back. “I love you, too.”

“Alright.” Eventually, Merlin managed to break away from staring into the beautiful blue eyes. “I think I should get going, before Arthur and Gaius drag me out.”

“Good call. Do you mind me tagging along?”

“Not at all”, Merlin grinned, “I’d love that!”

“Great! Let’s get some work done, then.”

***

“You seem awfully chipper today”, Arthur remarked after a while.

Merlin looked up from the boot he was scrubbing, to see the prince paying him more attention than the maps he was brooding over. “I have no idea what you mean”, he shrugged, trying to look nonchalant and ignoring Freyja, sitting on the desk and pulling funny faces at the prince.

“Of course you don't”, Arthur grumbled, looking back on his maps.

“Aw”, Freyja cooed, “he’s adorable when he’s grumpy.” She jumped off the table and glanced over the prince’s shoulders. “But I really don’t get why he’s so obsessed; he is aware that no matter how hard he stares, the maps won’t change?”

Merlin had to bite down hard to keep from snorting out a laugh and pulled all his focus on the boots in front of him.

It was quiet for a little while, a silence that Arthur broke with a loud yell.

“WHAT?” Merlin jumped up, looking around the room for whatever was trying to kill him – this time finding a giggling Freyja and a very startled Arthur.

“What did you do?”, Merlin asked her.

“What do you mean, what I did?”, Arthur answered instead. “What did you do?”

Fine, then he’ll deal with the Prince first. “I was sitting here, scrubbing your boots, so let me paraphrase: what has you frightened?”

“That’d be me!”

“I’m not frightened!”, they answered in unison.

“Of course you’re no. Does that mean I can get back to my chores now?” Merlin didn’t wait for an answer, he just dropped back on the ground.

Over the course of the next fifteen minutes, Merlin tried to ignore Arthur jerking, jumping and getting more and more worked up. Well, if the Prince wasn’t going to admit he was freaking out, Merlin wouldn’t interfere. Besides, he knew Arthur wasn’t in danger, that it was just Freyja. His curiosity did rise though, as to what she did to have him freak out.

“Right.” Arthur got up, looking very startled, but tried to play over it. “I’m gonna… yeah.” He barely looked at Merlin as he made for the door. “Just finish… Alright then.” With that, the heavy wooden door closed behind Arthur.

Merlin waited until the Prince’s steps went silent, before he allowed his grin to break through. “Alright, what did you do?”

“Nothing bad”, Freyja grinned back. “I just improved the maps a little bit.” As if by a gush of wind, the papers floated off the table and landed right in front of Merlin. It was a map of Camelot; not the way Merlin remembered it, though. The whole thing was ornamented with tendrils, flowers and even a drawing of a rabbit. “I mean, you’re really good at drawing”, he chuckled. “You don’t have to share a piece of paper with Arthur, though.”

“But it is so much more fun!”, she laughed, “especially when he has no idea what is going on.”

“Can’t argue with that logic. I might just check on Prince Scaredy-Cat, knowing him he’s gonna take it out on me.” With a roll of his eyes, Merlin scrambled to his feet.

“Can I come, too?” Something mischievous glinted in Freyja’s eyes and Merlin wasn’t sure he was going to like where this was going.

“Will you be making my life harder by screwing with the crown prince?”

“Merlin, he killed me. I think I deserve to.”

“I get your point”, Merlin admitted. “And what kind of husband would I be if I didn’t support your quest for vengeance?” With a grin, he held his arm out to her.

“You do realize I can’t actually link my arm with yours.”

He did, now. It was weird, how easy it was to forget that Freyja was in fact dead and that he could not touch her. He dropped his arm again, catching his face from falling a little too late.

“Nah, don’t be sad”, she tried cheering him up. “At least this way nobody can take me away from you.” Freyja offered him a warm smile, it didn’t reach her eyes, though.

“Sorry.” He sat next to her on Arthur’s bed; if she were corporal form, they’d be touching. “I’m the one being melancholic, while you’re actually dead. That’s not fair to you.”

“None of this is fair to either of us. But it’s the best we can do in a bad situation.”

“You’re really smart.”

“Well”, she laughed, “I feel like some quip along the lines of 'death grants you perspective’ would be appropriately macabre…”

“Yeah… Come on, let’s look for the royal clotpole.”

***

Merlin seldomly had to practice restraint as he did this afternoon. To work off any anxiety Arthur might have experienced (not that he’d outright admit to it, but Merlin knew him well enough to recognize the small bit of fear Arthur tried to hide) the prince went to practise with a maze. And the target was obviously Merlin.

“First he kills me, then he beats up my husband?” Freyja was not amused to say the least. And so she let him have it. She started small, moving a branch or a rock just in time, so Arthur would trip over it. After the third time it was getting almost impossible to feign sincere worry about the Prince’s well-being. It would also be easier to deal with, if Freyja didn’t do a little victory dance every time she managed to drop Arthur on his behind.

The prince on the other hand got more and more frustrated, flustered and embarrassed, which in turn found its outlet in the intensity of his jabs and hits.

“Come on, Merlin!”, he moaned after the warlock shied away from a blow that would have definitely bruised his arm. “What are you, chicken?”

“Oh, I’ll show you who’s chicken!”, Freyja yelled, jumped off the fence she had been sitting on. She winked at Merlin and instantaneously he felt a gush of wind that sent shivers down his spine.

“What was that?” Yes, Merlin had to admit the if he couldn’t see Freyja, he’d be freaked, too. But it was just so hilarious!

“I have no idea what you mean”, Merlin shrugged, trying his all to sound innocent.

Before Arthur got the chance to – probably – be mean, all hell broke loose. It was announced by the cry of the rooster and before either of them knew what was going on, an entire cluster of chickens circled Arthur, gawking excitedly; the little chicks were even brave (or dumb) enough to peck at Arthur’s boots.

And the Prince lost it. “MERLIN! Get these things off me!” He tried batting and kicking at the poultry, but Freyja herded them well enough so they didn’t leave his side.

“MERLIN!”

“Yes, sire.” Merlin could almost taste blood, he bit that hard on his tongue to keep from snorting with laughter. What did Arthur think Merlin could do against a wild group of chicken? So he shot Freyja a pleading look and after a dramatic eyeroll, she agreed. “Fine. I’ll get him back some way that doesn’t get you in trouble. Pretty amazing wife”, she added with a grin and barely a moment later, the chicken trotted off in single file, except for the chicks which ran behind their mothers in a very uncoordinated zigzag.

“You’re the best”, Merlin smiled at Freyja. Fortunately, the Prince was too busy staring after the poultry with a wide gaping mouth to realize Merlin was talking to his dead wife.

After the chicken-stint, Freyja did decide to leave the prat alone for the rest of the day. This didn’t mean that she kept from giving snarky commentary.

When Merlin went to bed that night, he fell asleep with the wides smile on his face.

***

“Merlin?” Gaius’ voice startled him enough that he almost tossed his bowl of soup over the table, which Freyja found hilarious. She laughed so hard, Merlin was sure that Gaius had to hear her.

“Gaius, sorry, I didn’t hear you come in.” I was so focused on my wife…

“I can see that.” The older man walked over and sat down opposite Merlin, right in his view of Freyja.

“Prince Arthur just came to me, to talk.”, Gaius mentioned as he broke off a piece of bread. “He asked me about the signs and reasons for being haunted.”

“Oh.”Merlin wasn’t sure how to react, what he did know was that he blushed at about the intensity of an overripe tomato.

“You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you?”

“Yes, he does”, Freyja threw in.

“Why would you think that?”

“Because whenever something supernatural happens you are usually right in the middle of it”, Gaius observed.

“I didn’t curse him, if that’s what you’re insinuating.”

“No, you just raised your dead wife’s ghost.”

“If you didn’t curse him, then what did you do?”

“I didn’t do anything!”

“Yes, you did.”

Woah, navigating this conversation between Gaius and Freyja was getting a little difficult. “I didn’t coax his horse into trotting in circles”, he shot back, at which Freyja started giggling again. “That was really fun”, she laughed.

“Merlin, please tell me what is going after Arthur.”

“No”, he muttered his quiet response. “I will not. But I promise that he’ll be left alone from now on.” Merlin looked up at his mentor with big, pleading eyes. “I’ll make it stop.”

“Ok”, he nodded, “I trust you, boy, you know that.”

“Thanks”, Merlin smiled up at him. “that really means everything to me. And don’t worry”; he quickly added. “Arthur never was in danger.”

“I know. Otherwise you would have stopped it all the moment it first began. But with the king even playful pranking can turn very dangerous very quickly.”

“I know.”

“Good. Then off to bed you go. With the fear of being haunted, Arthur might be extra…”

“Difficult? Annoying? Pratty?”, Merlin suggested.

“Demanding”, Gaius corrected Merlin’s assumptions, but there was a hint of a grin on Gaius’ face.

“Same difference”, Merlin shrugged. “Good night, Gaius. And thanks for trusting me.”

Gaius shot him a warm smile. “Sleep well, Merlin.”

“I’m sorry”, Freyja apologized as Merlin closed the door to his bedroom.

“What for?”

“That my childish revenge is getting you into trouble with Gaius.” She looked up at him. “I’m really sorry.”

“There’s nothing you need to apologize for”, he assured her as he sat next to her on his bed. “You have all the right in the world to be angry with him and what you did the last few days was really hilarious.”

“It won’t be that funny when Uther has your head for it…”

“Then we’ll both haunt Arthur’s behind together”, he grinned.

“That would be even more fun”, she giggled. “But yes, I think I’ll leave the Prince alone from now on. Besides, I still have a lot of castle to explore and discover. You would see a lot less of me, though.”

“Although that is obviously not good, it would allow me to do my job.”

“I’m still not sure that I want you having to deal with Arthur by yourself…”

“I can handle him”, Merlin assured her, “and besides, he’s a lot easier to deal with when he’s not being chased by a love-sick goat…”

“That was a good one”, Freyja giggled proudly, “But yeah, I’ll leave the prat be.”

“I’m sure he’ll appreciate that”, Merlin yawned and made himself comfortable in his bed.

Freyja put her hand on Merlin’s head and he could swear he felt her tousling his hair. “It’s definitely not him I’m doing any favours. Now, go to sleep and have nice dreams.”

[gncwasteland]

My therapist told me to try writing something about trust, what it means to me. I told him about the slug, and he laughed in a kind way. 

I wish my body didn't respond like it is. Today, when I heard her voice shouting over the phone, I felt the ground beneath me shake; the blue textures in my basement rumbled. Ocular migraines brought on by stress; they happen often. I talked to myself kindly as I panicked.

My body doesn't know how to handle the extent to which it was deceived by the false sense of safety. I am gently holding myself each day, triumphantly waiting for when the gut pinch gets just a little bit lighter. There are no forget me nots in this garden; crows and lizards visit me each day; a not so subtle reminder that I'm here, now; breathe in, out - practice the Buddhist shit she made you run away from. Listen deeply because she wouldn't let you hear your own voice. The mucus will still glisten on the curb tomorrow but nothing stays forever. 

I'm going to see the first girl who ever really broke my heart. We both wish it wasn't true; I know that much already. I don't usually fall out of love with people and I fell out of you, darling. I crawled up the first sturdy branch I could find with a mouth full of blood and bruises on my back (you remember, don't you? from the time you hit me repeatedly in your best friend's bedroom; she'd hate you more if she knew). Did you know the window was open? I saw it that next morning and felt embarrassed because of how I cried as you fell asleep.

You told me to look at you, and you saw me look through you - dead eyes. I'd do anything to slap me like you did - straight across, scratching my nose with a hangnail; I'd slap hard enough to make me run.

Do you remember her, baby? That sweet girl you met 5 years ago? Oh how I wish I could meet her again, as you of course. She was so damaged and you wrapped her in your ill-meaning hands as the hangman of her trust. You enjoyed it, too; making her suffer - taking her last breath. You still demanded her help, even though she was bedridden. Even though she could barely make a move to counter you. All she wanted to do was sleep and you still couldn't just go hang out with your friends. You had to be there, just to watch her. Wait for the right moment to choke. No time to process. Not alone, at least.

You came into her apartment when she wasn't home. How did she not see that? What did that imply about you? Your audacity? How you'd take anything you wanted, morph it into something stable. How could she allow herself to be your sponge and still offer to clean up the blood on the floor?

It's pathetic, really. Get up bitch and start over - the curtain call is soon. You've given yourself the 5 minutes to grieve for the day and now it is time to move on. Didn't you listen to any of the mantras your mother told you, you narcissistic piece of shit? I mean didn't she ever teach you to put things away as you cook? Are you really that stupid? Oh you don't like my tone? Have you seen the ugly look on your face? You disgust me. I'm leaving you.

Remember that one time I didn't cook dinner? That was the first time I thought you were going to hit me. The second time was when you broke the front door to our first apartment; after you pushed me out and slammed it so hard I was scared the neighbors were going to call the cops. I never knew how I'd say to them that I needed to call because of you, so I didn't. I hated the idea of calling pigs in, even though I needed interference. Retrospectively, you were never a rational person. Who throws punches to solve a problem? Capitalism. Which you claimed to hate. 

The first time you actually hit me you were freaking out at our next place. I was so scared that I locked myself in our closet. I called your aunt because I didn't know who else to call except 911. But that'd be too serious, right? That'd only make you more mad, and I can't risk that.

You charged in, grabbed my phone, threw it 10ft across the room into the back wall. The front and back glass shattered. You pushed me again - slammed the wall behind me, three times, backed me into a corner. I quickly turned and grabbed the door. Fuck I wish none of this was true. I got away, left for a few hours in my car that you crashed.

And you still didn't apologize. I told you if you ever hit me again, I'd leave. 

I think I have issues trusting myself. I lost count, did you? I wish I had left you then. Maybe trust would be easier. Maybe a snail would visit instead of a slug.

[aplateoflasagna]

Watched TREASURE's 1st Private stage on Saturday so here's a way too long post about it! 😅

I have to admit I had mixed feelings before the livestream started... On the one hand I thought the music would be too loud and we wouldn't be able to hear the boys sing. On the other hand I thought, maybe we would hear them clearly but they wouldn't live up to my expectations...

YG artists raised my standards to an impossible level and I was scared they wouldn't be able to meet them. Except for YGTB, we haven't really heard Treasure's clear live vocals before. Music shows and Award shows always have such a loud backtrack, so I was a bit worried 😶 But honestly? I really shoudn't have been. They sounded great and way better than I dared to hope 💙

Breaking down each member their performance!

Hyunsuk: King of hyping up the crowd!! 👑 It honestly broke my heart that all teume could do was clap, because they weren't allowed to cheer 😭 Really hoping the spoiler at the end meant that they will have an actual concert soon so that Hyunsuk can hear Teume scream. He had many iconic lines in this though!! Some of my favs: DROP THE BEAT!/ THIS HAS BEEN TREASURE!/ LETS GET PUMPED UP!/ 7CHILL GO!/LETS DO IT NOW!

Jihoon: His voice is so sweet!! Jihoon's high notes are to die for srsly 🥰 Also his perfect MC skills! The boys were all nervous during the talking parts of the show but Jihoon saved us from awkward silences with his quick wit and humour! Fav moments: Jihoon thinking they had to translate 'I Love You' instead of 'Hello' and him saying 'Aishiteru' so he had to do aegyo for the audience 🙈 He looked ready to kill the members who suggested it haha + Jihoon and Haruto's conversation during 'Letters from the future'

Jihoon: It's now 7 years later... I heard your collaberation song with Travis Scott. It sounds great! Yeah... I collaberated with 'The Weeknd', It just came out. Listen to it and tell me what you think!

Haruto: *Dying of laughter but trying to keep it together* 😂

Yoshi: Yoshi can do no wrong in my eyes, he is always giving his all eventhough he was so nervous 😅 His mic was shaking in the beginning!! i felt so bad for him haha. Yoshi is so stable rapping while dancing though, he has all my respect! I remember dancer Jeff Avenue saying that the dance move before Yoshi's rap part in MMM Rock Version is so difficult to do well live and Yoshi absolutely nailed it!

Junkyu: He was definitely having the most fun on stage 😄 + the fancam of Junkyu being overwhelmed by Teume's surprise during 'Slowmotion' ❤ He was a bit out of breath though and didn't sound very clear :( Junkyu has been called YG's ACE during Mixnine + was the most popular contestant of YGTB + def one of the best during that era... Kind of want a solo cover from him on stage so I can hear his beautiful voice again 💙

Mashiho: Is there anything he can't do? I know this is like a running gag in the fandom but srsly why is Mashi great at everything he does?? I'm so looking forward to see him on stage more often because damn, it's just where Mashiho belongs (+ unrelated, I need YG to release 'Fantasy' 🙏)

Jaehyuk: Forever proud of Jaehyuk. Let's be real, he has the weakest vocal in Treasure and when they opened the stage with 'Going crazy', Jaehyuk kind of fucked up his line. I was worried he wouldn't be able sing well but I shouldn't have worried because the rest of the show he did great! Jaehyuk has worked so hard to be deserving of Teume's love and honestly his improvement always astounishes me 😘 The thing that makes me sad though is that Jaehyuk has a habit of looking down while performing :(

Asahi: I'll never get tired of his visual 💛 Asahi is so fucking pretty holy shit haha. I shouldn't have been surprised but he seemed a bit timid on stage. He started to relax towards the end though! I really wonder what Asahi will be like during an actual concert with more interaction from Teume... A few fav moments: Asahi and Yedam shouting eachothers name when 'Everyday' started playing + His conversation with Doyoung during 'letters from the future'.

Doyoung: You once told me you wanted a music studio in Korea, Japan and Paris. It's 10 years after our debut and you're living in Paris. I never see you anymore! Please come back to Korea

Asahi: 9 years from now right? I'll give you one of my songs

Other members: OOOOHHHHH FLEX!! 😂

Yedam: He was God Yedam as always ❤ I'll never get tired of his voice and he deserves like 10 solo albums. I was wondering if Yedamie ever gets tired of only being complemented on his voice and nothing else eventhough he's such an allrounder!! His dancing and his stage presence was top notch again 🥰

Doyoung: YG has a few artists where their actual voice sounds autotuned like Yoon and VIINI, but I think we need to add Doyoung to the list 😅 His voice isn't that strong but honestly doesn't get enough credit for being that unique vocal sound that YG loves so much. I got a newfound appreciation for his voice (it def helps that he got such large singing parts during 'Everyday'. Thank you Yedamie!)

Haruto: King of hyping up the crowd pt 2! 👑 His addlibs and deep ass voice were 💯 The best part was def Haruto shouting 'Saranghae' before Mashi's part in ILY 😄 Haruto's agressive rapping was a bit too much for BOY imo, but it was fantastic for MMM rock version! (it made me think of Jennie yelling her rap lines during concerts and I freaking love that so maybe I just have to get used to it???) But then again, people loved his part in BOY so I guess I'm wrong lol

Jeongwoo: Ugly citizen who??? Jeongwoo has grown up fine and I hope he knows that. He'll do amazing things in the future i'm sure! His voice is so beautiful and I really really want a Jeongwoo x Haruto stage again. That duo is truly unmatched in visuals and vocals! Please YG 🙏 We need to see their amazing chemistry live

Junghwan: Our maknae did it again, stealing my heart with little to no effort 😭 He oozes charisma on stage. His voice is so good aswell. If you compare his lines in 'Going Crazy' from 1.5 years ago to now the difference is wild. I love his deeper voice! I think Mashi said it best: "Our Junghwan, cool but still very cute!"

Random favourite parts of the private stage:

I love the game they played where they had to sing BOY and 'Going Crazy' with only 2 mics while still doing the choreo haha I'm sure they practiced beforehand but it was very fun and I had the biggest smile on my face 😄

Also Hyunsuk saying that they'll have a comeback before the end of the year 😭 Teume been knew that the new song will have to do with space and the moon 🌕🌙 I honestly thought it was wishful thinking before but no, Teume aren't always clowns 😂 They have literally been saying it since their debut teaser omg

+ I feel like people were so overwhelmed by the concert portion of the stage that we kind of overlooked that they gave pretty strong hints to their next comeback song being called 'Rendez-vous'????

Rendez-Vous

Truly a win for French speaking Teume

TLDR: I loved the Private Stage and I can't wait for their first actual concert 😭 Ofcourse there is room for improvement but they all did so well and I'm so proud of them 💎

[sukirichi]

chapter 5 really left me numb and speechless. nothing prepared me for that, you woke up and decided you'd ruin us all today. but okay hear me out, THE BEAUTY OF RECKLESS. (this is me simping for your cute ass and your god-tier writing skills so i'm sorry if the long message bothers you)

but reckless is so heartwrengchingly beautiful. five chapters in and we already have such strong settings and a stable background of all the characters, minus the mysteries of gojo's past we've yet to discover. if i remember correctly, gojo can't go against his mother because he did something wrong in the past and she's using it against him? the manipulation of the characters to tie people up to what they want struck me so much. usually i only read fanfiction for the smut (which you're also an absolute goddess at writing btw) so reckless wasn't really my cup of tea. but after chapter one, i kept moving to the next, and the next, and now i'm left heartbroken after chapter five. i don't think i've ever read something as painful as this before which says a lot because i'm a SUCKER for angst. suki, the way you write, you never fail to blow me away...

i thought reckless was going to be a happy story and i still hope it is, but after chapter five, i'm super excited to see where you'll take us with this. y/n herself is such a complex, human character that is conflicted by her own feelings and goals. honestly, i thought she was pretty annoying that she doesn't give gojo a chance and locks up immediately like gurl...just let him speak ffs, but i'm not actually mad at her because you made us understand her perspective. y/n came from a family background in which love wasn't really what she felt, rather a sense of obligation to provide so she would find a spot. again, this could just be my analysis and i could be wrong, but the way you wrote and pieced them all together as if they were actual human beings going through every day conflicts made me root for the characters more. i still want them to make more babies and fall in love, but now you've given us so much more to look forward to. this is my first time wishing that y/n gets more than love. i wouldn't say she was abused like gojo was (FUCK MAMA GOJO, FUCK PAPA GOJO, FUCK EVERYONE ELSE) but she has her own internal struggles that as someone who preferred to do things my own way because i'm "independently strong" i could see myself in her. the struggles are the same and i was crying a waterfall before i knew it. OVER A FANFIC! ONLY YOU, SUKI, ONLY YOU.

i don't know how you manage to tug at our emotions so effortlessly as if writing the story is an instant way for our hearts to be swayed and pulled side to side, but you are so good at this. i swear. i've been following you for a while now, watched you grow and i'm really proud of you. i hope you know that. i also wish people would stop being so rude to you, you're like the sweetest person here with how you're so patient and welcoming to everyone :(

okay i'm steering off path, forgive me its like 4am right now and i'm still not over reckless ch5. speaking of, who's gonna clean my pillows stained with tears or tell my cat who saw me crying that it's just a fanfic and i shouldn't be this heartbroken as if i lost a loved one?

and suki, gojo...your portrayal of him is CHEF'S KISS, never seen before, really fucked with my mind type of portrayal. he's so well-written and feels so real. i love how he's a kind hearted person but can't care for y/n the way he wants to because his bitch ass mom is getting in his way. the scene over him going against his mother shaped his personality and my respect for him deepened, though i still wish he didn't have to say all those. i know his intentions were good and its his way of "keeping us and the baby safe" but he made me cry so bad i actually felt chest pains. he knew where to hurt us and the way he lied by saying we seduced him and he'll turn the whole world against us when what he wanted to say is the exact opposite really broke me. i'm starting to think that there's more to everyone now than what you've originally shown which makes everything sm better, can't wait for the next update. 

gojo saying "he can't defeat his mother, but he knows you can. you will."

the trust he has for her and the way he believes in her capabilities, i want me a baby daddy gojo 😩 now after seeing the teaser for chapter 6, my theory is that y/n and gojo are going to be the most powerful, baddest couple. king and queens. i don't think y/n will forgive him that easily so i'm hoping gojo explains his side and she listens (y/n please for the love of god hear the poor man out, he's a victim in all this) so they can communicate better. but honestly? you'll do great. i know whatever you post will be so amazing that we will be, once again, left speechless. reckless is so beautiful and painful yet it makes me root for them more. i can't wait for y/n's revenge arc and to see how she and gojo will take over the world someday.

✨ absolute icon couple ✨

sorry this was too long! i hope you're proud and giving yourself some credit and rewards because ch5 was truly amazing. hope you get some rest, don't forget to drink water and eat three meals a day. i love you

oh my gosh i’m so sorry i took long to respond to this i was just...i teared up at this! i’m feeling extra emotional today idk its probably bcos the weather is gloomy and i am too but like anon omg i am...i’m really really humbled and so happy rn, i don’t think i can properly express how thankful i am for a message like this. you have graced my inbox and there’s sm i want to thank you for - for the support from me as a writer here, for the kindness of your words, for the feedback on reckless and how much you related to it - just... thank you so much, for everything, this message really means a lot to me and i hope you know that 😭 i’m still sorry you cried over it but omg anon i’m just downright speechless rn thank you so much 🥺 please take care of yourself too and know i love you more and i’m forever grateful for this, thanks so much 😭💕