gncwasteland

[gncwasteland]

Though I am often in the depths of misery, there is still calmness, pure harmony and music inside me. I see paintings or drawings in the poorest cottages, in the dirtiest corners. And my mind is driven towards these things with an irresistible momentum.

Vincent van Gogh, from ‘The Letters of Vincent van Gogh’ ⁠— Theo van Gogh - 21st July 1882, tr. Arnold Pomerans

[gncwasteland]

Hieu Minh Nguyen, from Not Here; “Nguyễn”

[Text ID: “For years I craved the red / shock of her anger. / What do you do with tenderness / when all you expect is fury?”]

[gncwasteland]

Having a crush develop into actually liking someone is. Wild. Like oh. I really like you suddenly. I like how you make me feel. I like how you talk to me and challenge me. I really want to kiss you and hold your hand. I want to get you gifts and buy you nondairy ice cream and cook for you. Something about you feels right.

[gncwasteland]

I don't know when I stopped loving you or if I ever really did love you in the first place

[gncwasteland]

I know why it scares you - the idea of waking up with someone you care for. All soft touches, filtered morning sun with skin on skin.

Coffee or tea?

Once you allow it in, it doesn't exit for you - I get that. The feeling floods you, and suddenly - I mean more than you thought I would and it gets scary because you can get hurt again.

My therapist said you've shown more red flags than I should be comfortable with. I know he's right but I keep making excuses for you.

[gncwasteland]

“do it for the vine” = allow yourself to live life in the moment instead of maintaining a facade of normalcy for the enjoyment of not only yourself but of those around you

“commit to the bit” = adhere to the guidelines of an event that will in retrospect be nothing but a minuscule footnote, but continue to execute it for the complex web of happiness it brings you and your collective now

“fuck it we ball” = get the most you can out of life by putting the very thrill of being alive first and everyday occurrences and responsibilities last

[gncwasteland]

I was honest but

You pulled away without a

Warning - heartbreaker

[gncwasteland]

Woke up and still hated myself. Idk when itll stop but hopefully I'll write good poetry about it.

[gncwasteland]

You had yellow tattooed on your arm. A promise to your mom that you'd never hurt yourself again. I miss tracing it. I miss you some mornings. I miss how it felt to have everything wrapped and put together. Now I'm scared a lot of the time. Scared I'll never find peace again. I miss the routine of making you breakfast. I don't eat in the morning anymore. I wait until my stomach is screaming. I wait to grieve you until it all overflows.

[gncwasteland]

I keep waking up anxious. Like someone put a siren in my chest.

Its hard for me when I fuck up, when I make a mistake big enough to make me ashamed. I cant stop moving now. If I do, I start to panic about what I've lost. All I could've maybe had.

I miss my dog. He made me a better person. Now I'm just all burning sinew, screaming out for something to take care of. Taking care of them made it so I didn't have to take care of me. There's work to be done I guess.

Sex was how I coped with her abuse. If I was wanted that way, things were fine between us. I've reduced myself and you to an object. I see exactly why that's a red flag. I've lost. Time to raise the white one and try to not hate myself for it.

I hate myself for a lot. I tried. Fuck I wish I just didn't call you. Wish I kept my drunk mouth shut.

[gncwasteland]

Lately I feel anxious unless I'm outside. Everything in my head gets quiet when I listen to bugs.

Can you imagine a world without the orchestra of sounds that comes from little creatures? I'd feel so alone. I'm glad they exist.

[gncwasteland]

I'm looking at our old bed right now. The frame we slept on for the last 5 years is barely holding itself together. You told me you'd buy us a new frame when we moved, a fancy one with a 4 degit price tag.

We never made it there. We never would.

I've spent today siphoning the remainders of our memories into two piles: goodwill & keep. Found a bunch of your childhood photo albums in the garage, and I know you want those. Its all you have left of your mother and father, of your childhood.. Its not fair that I am the one that has had to do all this, but I know you couldn't handle it. You already had to do this once when your parents died. I never wanted to be another death to you.

Funny, I write this from the room we never used. I am here and there. I am remembering times of hardship and times of peace. All I have left of you are the things I'm taking with memories attached to them. Memories and things I don't want to part with.

The neighbors are asking what happened. I swallow a lot and try not to cry. Throwing out frames because I can't stand to touch the photos I once put in them. This is losing you. Really. This is losing a part of myself - the part that loved you. The part that avoided grieving you. The part that keeps dreaming of you. The part where all this is all nice and wrapped up. The part where the house is rented and my dad stops bothering me. The part where I'm finally breathing again.

It hasn't been easy. And I miss you. Miss you like a slow Sunday morning. Miss you on a Tuesday. Miss drinking our beer with you. Miss fucking midday. Miss the laughter. The good times. Miss watching bravo. Miss the small things. Miss the normal things. Miss you, or at least who I thought you were.

[gncwasteland]

Show me how ugly you get. Show me honestly.

[gncwasteland]

I woke up today and wasn't sad. The sky looks better without you looking at it with me. There is peace in my soul; there is hope.

I have accomplished my objective, I have not hardened because of what you did to me. Yes, to me. I did not crumble because of your anguish and abuse. I finally raised my head above water.

Breathing is easier without your hands around my throat. To be honest, everything is easier without you. I've never felt so free; I knew the day would arrive swiftly.

[gncwasteland]

sometimes i worry that i’ll never get over you / that i’ll wake up one day and find i’ve aged thirty years / with your heart still lodged in my throat / even with age kissing my temples silver, i’ll still be scraping the taste of your name from under my tongue / i’m terrified that i’m going to roll over and find someone else keeping your side of the bed warm / that a lover who is not you and never will be / is going to reach for my hand and i’ll think of nothing but the birthmark on your palm / i’m afraid that i’ll be sitting at dinner / and i’ll open the confession box gore of my mouth / and decades of aching and half-realized grief will tumble out onto my plate / i’m afraid i’ll feel the ghosting of your breath on my skin / and be rendered electric with desire i can never set down.

[gncwasteland]

I need to walk away from you and my feet are stuck in the mud.

I don't see me spending my life with you. At least not in that way. I don't create the sea of love. Neither do you; but we are drowning. I wish I learned how to really swim.

There is no resolve nearing. You will get engaged within the year; I will not be the one putting the ring on your finger. That isn't an easy pill for me to swallow. It's been a decade of loving you: publicly, painfully, privately - prevailing through.

I will love you the next decade, too. That's the tragedy in it all. I will lose you over and over again. I will not stick the landing - my footing is off yet again.

[gncwasteland]

You read it, my bleeding out. I could see you for my birthday but instead I will go get drunk in a foreign country. Instead I will not live my life around you, for once. For once I will move forward, barely sliding away scot-free. For once I won't allow myself to fall into you again. I'm barely treading the water we are awash in. The train has left and I am still on it, moving further and further away from you - crying because I know I'll never be able to have you. At least not in the way I really want.