#it already feels weird to be older than 15. i don't feel like i'm almost 18 ksgnbjkgsnb'

[lpsotd]

Oh my god you are so baby! I knew you were young but to be that young? Wrow I am ancient (like I own the 90s versions of lps). Honestly impressed though, I wouldn't have been able to handle what you do with this blog at that age!! Are you still in school too??

ehgiuhiubhbdgbkndgjkb thank you !! currently i am not in school. i'm currently on the road to get my GED and hopefully start college >:3c

[star-mum]

the ages in Teen Wolf make no fucking sense and the MTV writers made it MY ISSUES SPECIFICALLY

insane rambling (and very bad math) under the cut

I was thinking.... the Hales weren't recluses ??? (post fire Derek doesn't count, he's been through stuff) cause Derek went to highschool like normal ??? So WHYYYY (besides convenient writing) doesn't ANYONE REMEMBER THEM ??????

Like yeah Derek was older than the main cast, whatever, but CORA ????? SHE'S THEIR AGE ???? THEY PROBABLY ALL WENT TO PRESCHOOL TOGETHER ???? AT LEAST MIDDLE SCHOOL ????

SO !!! i have JUST NOW decided that Cora, Derek and Laura are 3 years apart from each other. "What about Talia and Peter?" you ask me and if you'd given me a FUCKING SECOND I'D TELL YOU !!! GEEZ !!!

Okay so IF we assume Peter is in his early 20s when Derek is in highschool considering ONLY the actor who played him in the Paige Flashback then okay, fine they're like almost 20 years apart BUT !!! Look at Peter now !!! LOOK AT HIM !!! THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN IN 4-6 YEARS (depending on how old you think s1 Derek is) (we'll get to that too, hold on) SO !!!! Im gonna ignore that weird casting choice and confidently give Talia and Peter a 13 years age difference, why ? you ask... idk sounds like a good number, I like things in 3s- WRONG !!! I DID EXTENSIVE MATH AND THINKING ON THIS !!!

We're gonna take some liberty here and assume Wolf Born Families are a bit traditional when it comes to kids and stuff SO Talia would've probably had her first kid in her very early 20s BUT we also need to consider that she was The Alpha of the house (and I refuse to believe Hale isn't HER family name) (OH ALSO !! Since the spark passed from her to Laura we can assume, cause I want to, that, at least, the Hale Pack worked as a matriarchy) which demands a lot of respect and work soooo I'm gonna go with her being about 24-25 when she had Laura

WHICH !!! Would've made Peter 11-12, which is not that different from the age gap he has with Talia, so he probably used to look at Laura much more as a sister than a niece (you know for the pain and suffering and drama) SO !!! when Derek was 15, Peter was 29-30 aaaand 29 makes the most sense to me, so I'd go with that!

Please dont get me started on the contradicting age of our "teen" cast !! Scott is 15 and then 18 in 10 months ???? Doesn't make sense !!!! So to ME the teen cast is all 17 in season 1 !!! except for Alison who's a year older and very understandably insecure about turning 19 and still being in highschool. And then in the span of 10 months we roll around to Scott's 18 birthday !! hooray time is linear !!!

All this to say, these are all people around the same age as our main characters AND THEY WERE PART OF THE TOWN !!!! HOW COME NO ONE REMEMBERS THEM ????

Even if we operate on the belief that Derek is, during season one, between 19-22 (which feels correct to me) that still makes the family fire NOT THAT LONG AGO (4-6 years) HOW COME PEOPLE ARE FORGETTING ABOUT IT ALREADY ????

Cora is the same age as EVERYBODY ELSE !!!! did they not go to middle school together ? do they not remember her ? who was she friends with ? Before Paige died Derek was very well integrated into High School culture, we have no reason to believe either of his sisters were homeschooled. Peter was a grOWN ADULT !!! I KNOW THE HALES WERE OLD MONEY RICH BUT DID HE NOT HAVE A JOB ???? DID HE NOT HAVE A LAW FIRM TO WORK AT ??? (recently came across a "Peter Hale had a law degree" post and it's canon to me forever now) Did Laura not pick up her siblings from school not a SINGLE DAY OF THEIR LIFE ????

OH !! WHICH REMINDS ME !! Derek said at some point that the fire happened when he and his sister were still at school and I'm pretty sure that was on s1 so he obviously meant Laura (i don't think the writers had Cora planned from the beginning, she was there to work in Erica's place) BUT !!! What if he did mean Cora, he walked his little 12 yo sister to school because he's Big Sister Laura (18 yo) was away for college at that time !!! And Kate had no choice but to leave those 3 out cause Laura wouldn't have come home without a good reason and Cora went to school at the time was Derek just a different building

This brings me to my (hopefully) final point: what the fuck is Deatons problem ???? He was Talia's emissary, he knew the pack inside and out and they very OBVIOUSLY KNEW HIM !!! HE WAS BESIDE THEIR ALPHA ALL THE DAMN TIME !!! How come Derek didn't recognize him ???? My vague memory on the dialogue between Deaton and Peter in s1 makes it seem like they Knew Each Other, in that ominous way... why didn't Derek ?? He wasn't a small child, he knew Deaton too, he could've remembered him ????

Again... things that feel like they were written into the plot only AFTER s1 aired

[iantimony]

last tuesday of 2023!

i thought about making this my Yearly Roundup for last tuesday of the year but i think instead i will make this a normal tuesdaypost, and do a big yearly reflection on friday or saturday for last shabbos of the year :)

listening: twilight mirage, still in that holiday special, episode 23. the way that there are eight fuckin episodes for that special........in part 1 or 2 they make a comment how they might have to do three parts and i was like. lol. lmao, even. i'm in the bit right now where they're doing an election and it's very funny. thisbe as the debate moderator made me laugh out loud.

reading: the best part of the game awards this year was the fashion, alyssa mercante: i looooved some of these looks. love the art corset on slide 4, jay-ann lopez on slide 15, the pleated dress on slide 17, the MATCHING BABY ON SLIDE 19, and the author's whole everything on slide 20.

sff's big fat problem, r. k. duncan: i was already aware of some of the stuff talked about here but i am definitely guilty of having less overt things - i.e. goblin emperor reference in there - totally fly by me. i feel like i saw a lot of people talking about rowling's fatphobia after she went mask-off but she is definitely on the more malicious end of the spectrum, it's a much much much more baked in problem than people give it credit for. thinking also about the locked tomb, which i love, but also makes some very weird comments about ortus that i did not clock at all until someone else pointed it out. just something i'm thinking about lately.

the world is hard, dinner doesn't need to be, julia turshen: what it says on the tin. some recipe ideas, cut down to mental bare essentials.

old growth, brawlite: saved the fanfic for last. obsessed with this. it's so so good. the format is a really neat idea that i don't know if i've seen done before. like, using the 'comment section' to point out 'things in the background of shots'? genius. i am eating it up. i should have signed up for this exchange. maybe next year.

playing: fallow. i might buy some games that are on sale tho lol, i've seen both pyre and ghostwire: tokyo recommended this week. latter is no longer on sale unfortunately but i am noting it down for later.

watching: the fashion industry hates older women, mina le

history of bathing, bernadette banner

aaaand a short film that a grad student in my department made as a project. it's. not good. like i'm happy that he's doing hobbies or whatever but this short film commits the cardinal sin of being neither good nor bad, Just Boring. 2/10.

making: the [redacted project] is almost done!! i have 10 rows left. each row takes me about 15 minutes. i will definitely finish it by the end of the week, fringe and all. no pictures yet for obvious reasons but it will be in the first tuesdaypost of the year for 2024! the biggest challenge now is the point of contact on my left hand where i rest the knitting needle against my middle finger is aggravating on a sensory standpoint from overuse, so i have been knitting with one glove on that hand which has helped a lot.

there was a preview of these last week, but i added finishing touches to my gavle goat holiday cards! i used a metallic sharpie to add some horn embellishments and wrote a little note on the back, and mailed out a bunch :)

misc: the first christmas eve/day of my life where i didn't get chinese food!!! shock, horror, etc. i'm at my roommate's family's place so i experienced a real christmas situation. it was fine. her family & their home is like ... hallmark card vibes and idk how i feel about it. i want wonton soup :(

[ectonurites]

sad rambling don't mind me

The passage of time just doesn’t feel real, man. Alaska would have turned 24 today. The last time I can distinctly remember seeing her alive she was newly 15.

It’s just this weird thing of like, yeah, I don’t think about it all the time anymore, not the way I did when it was really recent, but little things do still remind me of her. I can’t believe how close it’s getting to a decade since she's been gone. 

It came up when Emme and I were talking about her a few weeks ago, but at the time she felt so grown up to us. I was a year older than her, but back then she managed to feel so mature regardless. She would nerd out with us (The last time we actually hung out was at the con the college in our town used to hold), but she also did all these grown-up things with people we didn't know—she'd tell us stories about it all though, she just seemed so cool. But god, she was a kid. A kid! Just a kid. She was 15. She was a kid. We all were kids.

So much of high school is honestly just a blur when I think back to it now, but things related to this are so distinct it's kinda scary.

Like, it’s been nearly 9 years! But I can still remember the exact seat in Jenny’s 1st period mechanical physics class I was sitting in when that first announcement about her attempt and coma went out over the loud speaker, it didn’t use her name or anything but just alerted everyone at the school that this had happened to a student. I already knew, I'd known for a few days, and I knew the announcement was probably going to happen that day, so it wasn’t a surprise. Our other friend got to stay home, but I had too many absences so my mom wouldn’t let me. I was in a class of mostly upperclassmen (only three of us were in my grade, nobody in Alaska's), and no one else in the room knew her or at least seemed to know this was about her, it was just whispers and speculation and I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I broke down in tears in front of my math teacher the following period when he asked me about the homework I hadn't done and in hindsight it was almost kinda funny, because he just did not know what to do. 

I remember sitting at Lily's house on the couch with her and Emme—having a sleepover to work on cosplay because that's what we did back then—when Lily's mom came home in the middle of the night and we knew something was wrong. And we got told the news that she'd passed a few hours earlier.

I remember on the first birthday after she passed, Emme and I went to the park across the street from the high school to let go of balloons. It had snowed recently, but we wanted to be in the center of the park, because otherwise they'd get stuck in the trees, so we trekked our way out there and laid on our jackets in the freezing cold and laughed and talked and cried.

I don’t know. I don’t know where I'm going with any of this, or what I’m trying to say. It's just like, time is supposed to make these things feel easier, and in a way I guess it does, but my brain just gets so focused on dates and anniversaries so every year when this day and the day she died roll around I still get hit with so much all at once.

(the anniversary of the day she died was particularly rough this past year because it was the same day Stranger Things Vol. 2 dropped and I went to a watch party thinking 'oh cool it'll be fun to watch this thing I like with my friends as a distraction' and promptly got punched in the fucking gut by what happened with Max, the hospital scene towards the end sent me spiraling for hours)

Anyways.

Happy Birthday, Alaska. I met you on a Tuesday afternoon in late August at the park I roller skate at now, two days after me and my mom finally called the cops on my dad and everything in my life changed. You were the first new friend I made after all that. I didn't get to know you for a long time, but you’re still on my mind even after all these years. I miss you. Happy Birthday. 

[destinyc1020]

austins dating choice is just lik any other man in the entertainment industry tbh dsnt make it right bt the way he jumped from a long term relationship with an age appropriate woman (a woman who was actually 3 yrs older) to a fling wit a then 22 yr old lily to a then 20 yr old (when he n kaia 1st started dating) is... interesting to say the least.

he seems nice n talented bt his dating habits SCREAM hollywood man now n a lot of ppl find age gaps (esp wen 1 person in the relationship is in their 20s) weird

I mean...let's be honest... Men have been dating MUCH younger women for ages...especially in Hollywood. It's nothing new. Austin isn't the first, and he most certainly won't be the last! 🤷🏾‍♀️ Mark Anthony JUST got MARRIED to a 23 year old. He's 54. 🤮 That's a 30-year old difference. By the time she was born, he was already past high school, past COLLEGE, and was in his 30's. 🥴

X

Like c'mon...I'm not gung ho about the Kaustin Berger rlshp either, but I'm not losing sleep over it....and it's not like she's 20 years younger than him. She's a young adult and is making her own decisions. It's not my business. Her parents seem okay with it (although, that's not really saying much smh🥴)..... Who knows how long they'll even last? 🤷🏾‍♀️

As I've said before, Lily and Olivia both seemed like rebounds to me (no offense). No way was he completely over a near-decade long relationship THAT fast. 😄 He was barely with these women. He was still with Vanessa the longest. No way you're completely over a lengthy rlshp THAT quick....even if you were the one who called it off. The longer the rlshp lasted, usually the longer it takes to get over. You shared a life w/someone for almost your entire 20's. I'm sorry, but that's jmho.

With that said, I can like someone w/out necessarily caring for their dating life. Just like I'm not really feeling Chris Evans and his child bride who's 15 years his jr either lol. 😅 But hey, it's their life, not mine! 🤷🏾‍♀️ I don't lose sleep over it.

I'm still a fan of Chris, I just give him the side-eye for his current gf. 👀 You can be a fan of someone and be kind of iffy about who they're dating. I didn't care for Zendaya with JE, but I still stayed a fan of hers regardless, even though I could see that JE was bad news. Look, I don't hate on these women at all.... I'm just happy my faves are happy. But do I wish they were dating women who were closer to their age?? Heck yea! But again, it's not my life.

LISTEN: IF he and Kaia ever do split up, I'll see what happens, and I'll adjust my opinion if needed. 🤷🏾‍♀️

[marmolita]

AO3 wrapped 2022 writer's edition

Based on this ask game going around but I figured I'd just answer all the questions for fun!  All 30 answers under the cut.

1. How many words have you written this year? 42,048 on AO3, and I have another 20k or so that's not published yet

2. How many works did you publish this year?  10, which includes my Yuletide fic that's not revealed yet but not my consent issues fics which aren't quite done, and I guess also includes the ones I wrote for holiday stuff last year that got posted on like Jan 1.

3. What work are you most proud of (regardless of kudos/hits)? how many spruces grow on the moon?

4. What work of yours has the most hits? workout

5. What work of yours got more feedback than you expected? definitely also "how many spruces grow on the moon" because it's such a niche rarepair!

6. Favorite title you used this is also how many spruces grow on the moon lol

7. If you use song lyrics, which artist’s songs did you pull from the most? actually none of my titles are song lyrics for this year

8. Pairing you wrote the most for this year?  I didn't write much this year but I did two for Aho/Jarvis so that's the winner

9. Favorite pairing you wrote for this year?  ...that's also gonna be Aho/Jarvis based on what I've written so far I think.

10. What work was the quickest to write?  escape because it's like 300 words I splatted into a tumblr post

11. What work took you the longest to write?  hmmm, I'm not sure!  I think it was either team bonding or workout because it's always hard to manage that many characters together

12. How many WIP’s do you have in your docs for next year?  well, I have two that are nearly done that I'm planning to post for consent issues so those will be this year but also revealing like Jan 1, and I have one hockey wip that I would like to not abandon since I put so much work into it already but idk if it'll happen.

13. What’s your longest work of the year? team bonding at 10,130, but one of my wips for consent issues is longer

14. What’s your shortest work of the year? escape at 362

15. What WIP are you taking into next year with you?  I guess the Aho/Jarvis omegaverse wip that I haven't finished?  I don't know if I will finish it or not though, but it's not getting done this year for sure.

16. What’s your most common “Additional Tags” tag?  Apparently it is "2021-2022 NHL Season"

17. Your favorite character to write this year?  I am having a blast writing Tim Stoker right now so it's gonna be him at the moment.

18. The character that gave you the most trouble writing this year?  Roope Hintz for sure, idk why I had trouble with him!

19. What’s one pairing you want to explore next year?  Jon/Martin for TMA, although I feel like I'll end up writing weird stuff that's just about one of them or the other but with that as a background throughline?  idk we'll see

20. Which work of yours have you reread the most?  ngl it's probably workout

21. How many kudos in total did you get this year?  702 on fics that were written this year, I'm not sure how to calculate how many I got on older fics during this year

22. Which work has the most comments?  how many spruces grow on the moon

23. Did you do any collaborative works this year?  well the actual real book I self-pubbed was a collaboration, but I don't think that counts?  All my fanfic is like a pseudo-collab between me and the people I complain to about it constantly while I'm writing lol

24. Did you write any gifts this year?  Yes!  This year almost all my fic was gifts actually.  Of the 10 that are in AO3, 4 of them are gifts, and my two that are finishing up for consent issues will also be gifts.

25. Did you receive any gifts this year?  Yup!  4-5 depending how you count Dec 31/Jan 1 posting dates.

26. What’s your most common category?  M/M

27. What do you listen to while writing? nothing usually, maybe hockey on the tv in the background lol

28. Favorite work you wrote this year?  it's gonna be how many spruces grow on the moon, I felt like it was a fun concept to base it on Duolingo, and a cute little romance and like....not coming-of-age exactly but kind of?  and it was much better received than I expected given that it inaugurated the ship tag.

29. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?  Martin telling Jon "I've never been afraid of you watching me" in see you later because I'm obsessed with it as a character beat

30. Biggest surprise while writing this year?  I guess the biggest surprise of the year is finding a new fandom?  Or maybe the fact that I randomly wrote a Stargate Atlantis fic in the middle of this year sometime, definitely wasn't expecting to do that!  Also the good reception for my Aho/Jarvis fics, that was a nice surprise.

[leaflovescloud]

Hello, April.

I can't believe that we are entering Q2 already. Time indeed flies.

I'm currently in BB, KD. It's a Sunday and yeah of course I'm working. But it's been a really chill week for Eid. And I managed to workout almost like everyday.

It feels weird that my life is not so occupied with work anymore. Instead, I have much more free time to do things that I like, or even spending time with my friends. I'm indeed grateful for that.

But at the same time, I'm also feeling anxious and lost as to my career progression. So my G11 is not progressing at all and that really worries me.

Clearly, I need to do something.

Is it true that I can't have everything at once? Hmm.

Anyway, other than career progression, I don't have anything to complain about. I mean, I'm truthfully happy, I guess. At least, I feel more attune to my inner self now.

Speaking of that, I've been acting very impulsively, doing things that I'd normally overthink a lot - piercing(s) [emphasis added].

So, in the span of 2 weeks, not only I got a piercing, but I got 4 piercings LOL. Tel me that's not impulsive.

So I got double helix, one ear lobe piercing and also a nostril piercing. That's actually very insane to me. But I'm just feeling empowered at this point as in I don't want to run away from my fear anymore. Instead, I want to honour what I truly want to do and really just do it and trust the moment.

And the fact is that I really do feel good about it. And I'm glad that I managed to empower people around me to do the same too. I hope empower is the right word, or rather, may be enabling them to do it, haha.

Speaking of that, i just want to highlight something. I think back then, I spent too much time overthinking and just worrying about things, that haven't even happened, and gradually I got consumed by the ideas and the fear that I created for myself, and that's what stopping me to achieve things.

I realized this traits about me because of K, of course. I mean, in life, I still need to be careful, be thoughtful, be thorough and logical. But sometimes, there are certain things that I can truly just listen to my heart and just do it. And I like that about myself.

Because of that, I feel powerful and I feel I'm ready to execute challenges.

Learning how to detach from the expectations is also very important. Often times, I find myself being upset when things are not going my way. For instance, I think I may be a bit affected or resentful when K didn't really "deliver" what he said he would, for instance, promise ring and bracelet. Or at least, I feel like he represented that he would get those for me?

And what I would do last time is probably keep on prompting him, and i think eventually he will buy it. But right now, I'm actually nonchalant about it, just because, I don't know, considering the circumstances, honestly I don't know I'm asking for gifts in what capacity. I'm not so sure about the role that I'm playing - Is it just someone that he is seeing right now and that's it?

And truthfully, I think the gifts will be more meaningful if it's comes from him without me prompting him. I would definitely appreciate that more. But aha, I don't think he is romantic kinda guy, in fact, I think he is quite practical.

And once again, I ask myself this - At this age and stage, I think I'm quite enlightened in terms of life lessons, and I think I like this version of myself, mature though still playful. And I feel like I'm ready to love and be a good partner. But I'm also kinda scared that I'm compromising my own needs and standards at the same time.

I think I'm just gonna give us a bit more time probably until June. I do hope that we can build a future together and support each other. But I really don't know if he is the right guy.

There are just a few things that are quite alarming and I really don't want to down play the significance of it - (i) 15 years older (ii) divorced (iii) with kid. This is something that I have never encountered before. I don't exactly think it came as a shock for me - because truly after all these things, what else could shock me?

And I appreciate the qualities in him, and how he is aspired to be a good father too. And I have no issue with that.

It's just we won't be like the couple going through the conventional path - For eg, being alone in the weekends....

I don't know if I should be involved in a relationship that has so many uncertainties.

I want a partner that I can grow together, and do things together.

Hmm.

[enruiinas]

Interaction PSA: Shipping

-- Important info for anyone wanting to explore a romantic/sexual/more-than-platonic dynamic with Law. --

♥ I enjoy shipping, but it's an extremely selective thing for me. The mun of this blog is aro/ace and my Law is very demisexual / far more interested in his goals & adventures than he is in a relationship. For these reasons, SHIPPING REQUIRES BOTH OF THE FOLLOWING:

‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ 1. ALL SHIPS MUST BE DISCUSSED BEFOREHAND. Even if you write a muse I'm known to have a bias for, don't assume I'm going to ship right off the bat. Please reach out to let me know you're interested in shipping.

-- NOT SURE HOW? Feel free to send in THIS MEME, fill out my INTEREST TRACKER, or if you're shy about asking, feel free to send me an anon ask to see how I feel about a ship! Any I've answered can be found here [will add link if/when I get any]. --

‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ 2. SHIPS REQUIRE MUSE CHEMISTRY -- AND -- A GOOD CONNECTION BETWEEN THE MUNS! As a general rule, I only ship with someone I talk to OOC fairly often. I need to be able to bounce ideas and ponder or squeal over our dynamic outside of our threads. Light plotting, outlining, or brainstorming is a must - at least at first.

I promise I'm approachable and don't want this to deter any interest, it's just something I NEED to come out of my own aro/ace shell and properly warm up to a ship / find my footing in writing our interactions!

‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎⭐ [ NEW! ⬇️ Updated 10 Mar. 2024 ]⭐

‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ 3. Although I do write some NSFW threads within my ships, nsfw/spicy material will NEVER be my "favorite" part of a ship. There's nothing wrong with wanting to only ship or simply to write ships for the NSFW content; however, that is not my particular energy, and if that's your preference I would ask you to please skip by me for shipping interest. It's nothing personal & I encourage everyone to write what they're here to enjoy! I just personally get discouraged when it feels like the NSFW threads are all a ship is about (I need a healthy balance of buildup, emotional attachment, fluff, & feeling expressed in other ways.). Just be straightforward with me and yourself before reaching out a ship, please - that's all I ask.

3b. While all active (agreed upon & gushed over) ships CAN send spicy memes in, I may still be slow in responding to them until I have comfortably reached the level of muse and mun chemistry mentioned above. This largely depends on enough OOC discussion of our thoughts & ideas for the ship to get a feel of how these situations would play out. 3c. Friendly reminder that I (the mun) am aro/ace without a flirty or romantic bone in my body, and that my Law is extremely demisexual. Ships will almost always be feelings first, sex later/second - NOT the other way around. As a general rule, I shy away from writing FWB dynamics or situations where feelings are worked out during or after intimate relations.

‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎⭐ [ // END UPDATE. ⬆️ ]⭐

♥ General shipping info for Law: Law is bisexual, but again, very demi and unlikely to enter into any sort of romantic or sexual relationship without an established connection to your muse. No ships will be written with any muse under the age of 18; otherwise, age gaps are not a big concern unless they're like... extreme (given Law's age that limits the "younger than him" gap to 8 years - older I'd probably go so far as 10-15, depending.)

♥ This blog is MULTI-SHIP & I DO NOT (will not) do exclusives. Each ship takes place in its own verse: there will be no one "canonical" relationship. I'm okay with duplicate shipping, so don't be afraid of reaching out even if you already see me writing with another mun's portrayal of your muse. I promise you I'm not writing a ship with anyone that's going to feel "weird" about me writing that ship with your muse, too, and if we go that route, Law and I will love you and your muse as much as we do our existing mun/muse relationships.

♥ WHAT I CONSIDER AN ACTIVE SHIP: I mentioned this in the Memes PSA since MY NSFW MEMES ARE OPEN TO ACTIVE SHIPS ONLY, it's relevant here too. An "active ship" implies we've had the "are you interested in shipping" chat and it's gathered enough traction (either in ongoing threads or our OOC chats) that we both seem to think it's going to take off. If I've told you how excited I am at any point and/or thanked you for writing/wanting to write a ship with me, you're safe to send.

♥ Ship Biases & Ship WILL NOTs: Below are brief lists of ships I WILL NOT write and ones I have a bias for. If a ship is not listed in either category, don't be afraid to reach out - that means it's one I will at least consider to see if 1. I personally can see it working or 2. my Law would ever feasibly end up in. The worst that can happen is I consider it and decide I can't see it working out for whatever reason(s).

In the case of a "no", I'll be honest, but never rude! And even if I don't see a romantic ship working, I will still be more than happy to write other dynamics between our muses. (If you aren't, that's okay, too! Everyone's RP experience should be what they want and I see no fault in "only being here for the ships"! I would just ask you to be straightforward with me & yourself and unfollow or soft block so I know not to pursue any platonic interactions. No hard feelings.)

♥ SHIP "WILL NOT"S: I do not ship and will not write Law with either of the Donquixote brothers, ANY member of his crew (or platonic family), or Luffy. I don't mind people shipping LawLu, but it's not one I care to explore personally.

♥ SHIPS I HAVE A BIAS FOR: A short list, but I'm particularly keen on Law x Nami, Law x Robin, and Law x Zoro.‎‏‏‎ ‏‏‏‎‏‏‎‎

Other PSAs: Memes, Plotting, On Verses & Verse-Building, General RP Preferences (Coming Soon), OOC interactions (Coming Soon), Mutuals & Affiliates (Coming Soon), ALL PSAs.

[venus-flame]

well, out of the blue, someone contacted me from grade school that I haven't seen in over 15 years and was never even friends with, really. he was the funny popular athletic guy, always hanging out with the popular girls. I thought he was just adding me on fb out of curiosity due to having shared childhood experiences, as one is wont to do. whenever this happens I hope they contact me to actually catch up and say hello, but they never do. this time, I was wrong!

he told me he always thought I was cute but never said anything. HAHAHA. I still don't know if I believe him, and am skeptical that he's just saying this to get in my pants. I am VERY wary of all male attention after what I have experienced, so it may take a lot for me to be convinced if he is genuine. If it's true though, I almost can't believe it still. he was popular and I was quiet and weird. but, I guess it's possible.

he asked me if I thought he was cute. I can't quite remember if I did, but perhaps I did. to be honest I think I did think he was cute but I didn't allow myself to dwell on it because it would be highly taboo for me to like this person due to my family's, well, racism......which is a whole other issue and I hate it

he asked me for pictures but I playfully declined. he can look through my facebook pictures. admittedly there are not a lot of recent pics of me on fb, especially "full body" but oh well for him. he asked me if I still look the same before that, like lmao I'm not 13 anymore so no????? I am a voluminous lady, so in my mind this question becomes "are you fat and ugly now?" and a filter for whether I'm worth his time as a potential sexual partner. I don't like it. but I do acknowledge that he could be genuinely curious and I am reading into the question too much. SKEPTICAL. there is also a part of me that wants to be confident and happily share photos of myself. and another part that immediately rejects spending the energy it takes to accommodate the request of a man I don't have any type of relationship with.

we're supposed to get coffee sometime over the next 2 weeks. I told him to let me know when and where - he can do that work since he wants to see me so badly. I'm still not sure he'll follow through, but maybe he will. he was dodging my questions about places he likes to get coffee. so I'm not sure he even drinks coffee LOL

I basically never entertain guys around my age. I have always been with or wanted to be with older men. unfortunately that started when I was 14 :melty face:

I've been wanting to dip my toe into the dating world for a while but never put any effort into it. I recognize that it's highly triggering for me and I have a LOT of inner work to do before I might feel closer to "ready" for a new relationship. HOWEVER: I also know that healing from relationship trauma happens largely via safe relationships and that is something I want to be more open to. I'm not going to heal my trust issues if I never give myself the opportunity to trust someone trustworthy again, for instance. I'm never going to heal my avoidance of intimacy if I never let myself experience intimacy again. duh, but I have to remind myself.

at first I was not a fan of the conversation, but it hasn't gotten any worse and is pretty casual and neutral at the moment. I am surprisingly neither scared nor giddy about the situation. I also surprisingly hope we do get coffee. I think it would be a great opportunity to expose myself to male attention/interaction and have a sort of practice date where I can just be myself, with absolutely nothing at stake. because this isn't someone I'm already invested in or crushing on. he IS very cute, well dressed, and successful tho, according to facebook. which is hawt.

my thing is, I am like 90% sure I'm "demisexual" which idk if I need that label but it does describe how I feel about sex. sex, I could take it or leave it. I can give myself orgasms just fine. the idea being with a partner who prioritizes sex much more than me is uncomfortable. I think a lot of my hesitancy toward sex comes from my religious and social upbringing, as well as my experiences with sexual coercion and harassment, which is unfortunate. I don't want my body image to get in the way of my pleasure either. so part of me just wants to avoid it altogether. but another part of me truly does require some sense of trust, mutual respect, emotional connection, and the desire for more than a purely/mostly physical relationship, in order for me to be comfortable with the idea of having sex with someone. I do like sex when I feel completely comfortable with the person and know they aren't using me. THAT is a challenge after my shitty experiences.

so anyway, I am looking forward to this opportunity and hope it goes well. if it goes well, however, that will be very strange and I'll have a new set of challenges to work with.

[dzpenumbra]

3/23/23

Palindrome day, cool! For Americans, at least. I have to remind myself that not everyone uses the same measures and languages. Something we all should remember, I guess.

I started the day with a yoga practice that was way above my level. Like... my legs were actually giving out. My quads are just... I guess they're just not as strong as they used to be. Same with my abs. It's weird. I mean, I'm hardly active, I know... but... I have been skating... and doing yoga every day for.. almost 3 entire months straight now.

It's not going out into the woods and hiking around barefoot every day, combing the rivers for cool stones, moving big rocks to make sculptures and shit. That shit gets you in shape real quick. But I don't know, I feel like I should be in better shape than I am. Maybe it's just part of getting older, I dunno.

So yeah, yoga kicked my ass. But it was good, in the end. I haven't been meditating. I don't know why. Today, it was because I was really hungry, and I just wanted to get food. But when I was in the kitchen, I did dishes and everything, so I definitely had the time. I guess I just... naturally avoid it.

It's not like I wrestle with thoughts as much as I used to. Thank god, that shit was rough. It's still a thing, just... I don't care as much, I can turn the volume down and let the thoughts flow without getting attached a lot of the time. Not all the time, but a lot of the time. Honestly, I think the problem is my posture. The problem is my sitting position is really uncomfortable. And it hasn't really been improving. And that's really upsetting me. It's been months. I must be missing something, or just undoing all the good I do in the morning by sitting at the computer or being hunched over at the drafting table all day.

I can't get my knees down, I can't find the right place to hold my weight, I feel like my coccyx just tilts under my body and arches my back when it should be straight, my abs get grumpy that they have to activate at all, and my neck just can't seem to process what a straight line from my pelvis to my heart to my head even looks like. I, of course, am trying to sort this all out with... no mirror, just visualization. But it feels like I'm just bent and contorted in all kinds of hunched over shapes. And it's very hard to find a place to sit still for 10-15 minutes where I'm not constantly correcting my body position. It's tedious. It's hard to focus on solely my breathing when... oops, a knee is raised... okay, now relax the hips, don't need to grip... ok, now your neck is craning, straighten that... okay, relax the face... oooo tension in the hands, relax that a bit... Hardly letting go of thoughts, just focusing on how depressingly out of shape I am. Even without judgment, it's still stressful, it's work!

So yeah... skipped that. Maybe if I get brave enough to go to an in-person yoga class, they'll help me correct that. I mean, that's like... kinda their job. But I think I'm going to wait for the gastric distress to let up before I go there... think that might be a smart idea...

I cut my hair (very overdue), showered and trimmed my beard pretty nicely. I actually watched a video on how to do it, I have never looked it up before, and the instructions from the guy who I was watching were... basically what I already do, which was validating. There were just small alterations, like only bringing the clippers straight down rather than against the grain or following the jawline. I'm thinking of growing it out again, I'm already past an inch, so I might as well... I'll see how it goes.

The bulk of the day again went to working on the hoodie. And it looks fucking sick. It's really starting to take shape. The eternal race-against-time battle of working with acrylics as they progressively dry out and turn into fucking rubber has been... oddly nostalgic. Acrylic was my primary medium in college. So... this isn't foreign, it's just a bit annoying. And it's really on me for just using the paint out of the jar rather than using my palette. But... it's getting really close to finished. The only work left is... the black outlining, the shading, then figuring out with to do with the thin outermost ring, which I might actually embellish, while I'm at it. It might be done tomorrow, might be the day after, not sure.

I've also developed a bit of a process for the new desire path mapping project, which is working well so far. I have 15 runs down already, 10 tracked. It helps a lot using a shorter route. And the routes still have a nice amount of detail to them. The desire path mod does take a bit longer to erode the dirt than I was hoping... Like... a lot. So I have no clue how many of these runs I'm going to have to take before I start seeing some erosion in the wild.

I was considering streaming while I did this, just to share the process, you know? And to tag it as Art rather than Minecraft to keep the children out, so I just... don't have to deal with it. I'm sorry, I just... it's nothing against kids in general, it's just... teens, honestly. I'm not using minecraft in this context to play minecraft, I'm not even really playing with most of the mods I have on, I'm using it as a tool. So... Art feels much more accurate. And if there's some 16 year old looking for Art on Twitch who stumbles across Minecraft... they'll probably be a bit more open-minded than a 16 year old looking for Minecraft on Twitch... and stumbling across this weird art project instead. Just trying to cultivate a vibe, being in the right category can help with that. But... I didn't stream... because I didn't want to depend on chat for entertainment outside of listening to music and walking through the woods. I wanted to listen to someone else's stream or youtube instead. I run into this problem a lot. So... that's just how it went. Tough shit to the zero people who would've been interested in this anyway. Maybe next time!

Honestly, I have no idea what I'm even going to do with the end product. This piece is very much making itself, and I'm just... letting it happen. And the end result is actually looking pretty damn cool, I really like the designs. Here's the progress so far:

I have no idea where I could do this... but I'd be interested in doing it IRL as well someday. With GPS tracking, I had a hiking app that did that, it just mapped where you hiked. It's an exciting prospect, but I would need to find the right area, and I don't know how that would go, or how safe it really is to do a project like that without someone... knowing where I am.

The idea, for anyone coming into this late, is to basically capture the process of... exploring, getting lost, learning, and gaining orientation. It's a visual demonstration of what it looks like from a birds eye view as one gets lost and wanders between two points. Tracking their entire path, step by step and rendering it on a map as a line, like a GPS route. They travel from point A to point B with only general directions of how to get there. Over time, landmarks are recognized, routines are built, the wandering gets less and less. And, in turn, a path starts to form, as the ground becomes well traveled. I'm calling it a desire path project, even though the focus isn't so much about desire paths as it is... just paths in general. But whatever. It's working well in minecraft, but I'd love to try it in real life sometime. But again, the stakes for willingly getting lost in the woods when you have no friends or family and no one knows or cares where you are are... quite high. So... Maybe I'll put it off for a bit, pop that on the back burner.

So yeah, that was about it. My ex kept popping into my head today, I really don't know why. Maybe something reminded me of her. And not in a good way, like... reminders of the secrets she kept from me, that I naively looked past. That kinda shit. And I had a big emotional overwhelm moment with remembering Maxine today. Which hit me really hard and had me sitting on the floor in the bathroom crying. Grief sucks. My girls really were my world, they were my family. I miss them so much, it's crazy how different my life is now without them.

Yeah, not an insanely exciting day, not a ton went on, I guess in a way I can be grateful for that. Very productive though. I'm really excited for how this hoodie is coming along, I'll share the final state of the back piece when it's ready in a few days.

[myownprivatcidaho]

hi all, @theecholyte has been a dear friend of mine for a few years and now they need help to reach their goal of $800. im gonna put the info from their gofundme here, please boost this and donate if you can.

Hello, my name is Echo, I'm a non-binary, disabled (temporarily), Nerodivergent 21 year old who is currently living in a very stressful and toxic environment. I live with and financially depend on my mother and her husband (technically my step-father) who have both verbally, mentally and emotionally abused me ontop of my already existing trauma and mental issues from years of this kind of treatment from others, including them. They do not accept that I am non-binary and consistantly arise arguments/fights because of it, resulting in them giving me anxiety attacks and triggering my PTSD simply because they don't want to call me the name I prefer to be called by, ontop of driving away my other family and friends they have invited into their home due to their behavior. They have blamed my step sister (who is 2 months older than me) as well as myself on the trauma they have caused us to the point where they drove her to live across the country and will never see my step sister's daughter (my niece) ever again, in order to keep the baby from being exposed to the violence they have shown us. We were both physically abused by them as well, but once we started becoming young adults roughly around the ages 15-17, they stopped hitting us as much and eventually stopped completely after that (for reasons unknown) and my step sister got the worst of it. My youngest brother is also transgender, and they treat him the same, but he has outside help that he's getting from friends he knows, so im not too worried about him, since he's tough and will be able to get out soon enough.

Currently, I feel like I am fighting for my life. My stress levels have gotten to the point where I've gained many migranes (stress-induced as well as random migranes run in my family, but they're happening more often than normal as of late) and a fever because of it, which would go away after one night of rest so i knew i wasnt sick with anything really concerning, that i know of, since im fine now.

I feel as though I am at my breaking point, and my depression has gotten significantly worse as well, despite the medication i take for it as well as the coping mechanisms I use to ease it. I try to tell my mother the stress and pain im in, but she threatens to take me to a mental hospital every time i express that she makes me feel like i should... take my own life, basically, because of how she treats me, ontop of feeling like she wishes i were gone, among other reasons. She prefers to get onto me rather than try to comfort me and try to hear why I feel the way I do with concern. I feel as though she resents me for some reason unknown, resents all of her children... she seems like she has no sympathy for our mental health regardless of how she might actually feel, and will never understand that people deal with things in their own unique ways, and that no one else in the world operates completely like she does.

On multipule occasions, my mother has expressed that if I feel like I want to end my own life, that she wont try to stop me if it means I'll be happier that way, and almost encourages it. She's also stated to my brother when he was 16 that she knows she will bury me one day, and is content with that fact considering how I've been dealing with su*cidal idiations since I was very young.

Ontop of those interactions, when my step-sister was little and was crying to my mother about how she makes her want to end her own life, my mother replied by saying "Is that all? If you don't try to end your own life at least once as a teenager, that makes you the weird kid. It's a phase, I've tried it and so has all of my kids."

Her husband on the other hand, is a dog abuser and has thrown/kicked puppies and our older dogs, including one pit bull we had named Pepa, who was thrown over the fence and landed hard on her side when she somehow got out of the backyard (she was a huge sweetheart and would never hurt a soul). He has no sympathy what so ever for animals, and when I confronted him about throwing Pepa when she was vulnerable and weak after just having a littler of 14 puppies, he stated that he could have done so much worse. He also has a habit of yelling/snapping at his kids when theyre in pain or take his attention away from his video games simply because it annoys him and he "doesn't want to hear it". Once, before my first knee surgery several years ago, I fainted out of the diningroom chair (I deal with low blood sugar issues sometimes) and bruised my ACL, crying and screaming for help while everyone was asleep. He has woken up to see what happened, and while i was on the floor clutching my leg, crying for help, he stated that "I need to learn how to do it myself" and went to go back to sleep. I had sat there for another several minutes screaming and crying before my brother woke up and helped me onto the livingroom couch and made sure I was okay. (my mother was at work at the time so she didn't find out about this until I called her when I was finally on the couch. she also doesnt believe what her husband did even happened, because I didn't think to tell her about it until some time later.)

They both also believe that my step-sister deserved to be hit and punched in the face as a young teenager, simply because she has an anger/attidude problem. (She is now the smartest, most strong and mature woman I've ever known, She's a wonderful friend, and an even better mother who deserves the best.)

Just a few reasons I need to be away from them both, and examples to explain to you all how severe this situation is.

I'm at a loss, and just need to get away. I have a friend in Washington State (where i used to live) who is offering to help house me, and I just need the funds to get there considering i'm in Texas, as well as provide for my dog. My dog Remi (He's a 13 year old Schnauzer) currently has two ear infections and has had them for over a month, yet my mother refused to take him to the vet no matter how much I begged her since im unemployed and cant provide for him at the moment, I have ear drops that I used to temporarily help relieve his discomfort, but his contition continued to get more severe and the ear drops stopped working. (She's had no problem providing for him until recently, especially when he was the family's dog first before he became mine several years ago.) She constantly says how they have no money but its very hard to believe when they have recently had the funds to go to an expensive amusement park twice in two weeks and spend all of their money on merch. Luckily, a long time friend offered to pay for his treatments with what little money she does have, so my dog has finally been treated after having to stay overnight at the vet and is home now, taking madications and resting as he should. His vet bill was only $117, and my mother could have easily afforded it.

Now for as what I'll need the funds for, I had found out that the most efficient way I can get myself and my dog all the way up to Washinton State (Seattle/Everett area) from Boyd Texas, is to rent a car and drive up there myself. Now, I've had my licence since I was 16, and started driving at the age of 15 with a permit, and have taken many long road trips on my own before, so I'm rather confident in my abilities to travel that far. Also with my issues only being in my left leg, I've still been able to drive perfectly fine as long as I take breaks to stretch.

I have looked into many different airlines I possibly could for the cheapest tickets I could get for myself, as well as for my dog.. problem is, he's just a little too big to fit in the cabin of any plane I've reserched, I even called around and tried to recieve quotes and advice from airlines, but to no avail. I've also contacted animal transportation and shipping services, but they're all just very expensive and too complicated. I will also not put my baby boy in cargo on a plane, as it is dangerous.

For renting a car in my area, I will need to be able to find a place that will let me rent a car for 4 days so that I will have wiggle room to rest, make stops for gas/take my dog potty, and also get food while im on the way, considering my ideal route takes 1 day and 7 hours, minus the time ill need for stops and to rest, as well as traffic. The cheapest I could find while doing reserch is between $70-$90 a day for either a renter's choice car, or just any cheap car they have available, and for four days, that rounds up to be close to $300-$360 total for the trip. Ontop of that, gas for the one-way trip will cost roughly $300 or more depending on the car's milage.

Tomorrow (11/01) since it'll be a Monday, I'll be calling around for offers for my specific need to see if they'll have anything available for the end of this week or next week up to a month. I'm honestly willing to wait for this trip at least a month, but I'm not sure I could stand staying here longer than that at this point, since I'm wanting to leave as soon as possible for the sake of my mental health and well being, as well as the well being of my dog.

I appreciate any donations anyone makes no matter how much it is, it would mean everything to me to get out of here and finally be happier and feel safe for once. Thank you so very much if you read all of this, my situation may not be as severe as some peoples, but its certainly something worth addressing, I'd think.

I'll happily answer any questions anyone has for me regarding my situation, as I believe in the power of reassurance and cooperation, especially when it comes to strangers providing money for me which they absolutely do not have to give, out of the kindness of their hearts. I'll give as much information as I can to truely strengthen your trust in me that my situation is as genuine as I have stated.

Thank you so much for reading all of this, it means the world to me and more to have anyone take me seriously. Regardless if you donate or not, I hope you have a wonderful day, and to have a restful sleep every night this week.

[celestialevie]

Flower Boy // George Weasley x GN! Reader

Summary: AU where y/n is working at the tattoo shop, while their best friend is an owner of a flower shop. What happenes when expecting to see your best friend for lunch, you end up meeting a tall ginger man. Warnings: fluff, mention of food, tattoos, flowers, George being absolute charmer Word count: 1.7k a/n: enjoy this aboslute fluff of a fic!! and again, english is not my first language so if there are any mistakes please do not hestitate to let me know about it!! ' Evangeline ' is an oc of mine, so she might appear in some of my fics as a side charachter. Also credit to @bwbatta for the dividers!!

Being a tattoo artist was one of the things you were proudest of. It wasn't easy to become one after neglecting art for so many years during High School. But after your best friend opened her own flower shop, she helped you get your inspiration for art being constantly surrounded by flowers and stories of why people were getting flowers. You were happy with everything but not knowing that wasn't the end of your happiness. It all started when you were on your lunch break and decided to swing by your best friend's flower shop to visit her. Expecting to see a small blonde girl behind the counter, you were shocked to see a tall ginger man standing there instead. '' Hello, how can I help you today? '' When ginger looked up, he felt as if someone kicked all of the air from his lungs because before him stood a beautiful person with y/h/c hair and y/e/c eyes. Smiling at them as they approached the counter, they were even more beautiful up close. '' Hi, um I'm looking for Evangeline? I didn't know she hired someone new. '' Ginger laughed, nodding his head. '' Ah yes, I'm only here temporarily. Unfortunately, you just missed her, she left to go on a lunch break with my uglier twin. '' You only laughed at that. '' Too bad, but can you please let her know that y/n looked for her? '' He nodded. '' I'll let her know. I'm George by the way. If you ever wanna ask her for me. '' George wiggled his eyebrows, making you shook your head. '' It was nice meeting you, but I have to go now. Please don't break any of her flowers she's not afraid to commit murder if you break something in her shop. '' his eyes widen, making you laugh as you were leaving but his voice stopped you. '' Hey! You come here often? '' he asks '' Considering I use to work here and my best friend owns it, yes. '' and with that, you left the shop, heading back to your workplace.

As the clock turned changed time to 8 pm, you relaxed finally going home after a stressful day. Just as you were open the door, Evangeline barged in. '' Hello, heard you've been looking for me. '' She grinned at her best friend, attacking them with a hug. '' Hello to you too,'' you said returning the hug '' I see the tall ginger you failed to mention to me kept his word. '' smirk appearing in the corner of your mouth as you recall your encounter with him from earlier today. '' It seemed to me you left a trance on Georgie boy. '' Evangeline wiggled her eyebrows, making you laugh '' You can't do that to me, I wanted to have lunch with my best friend only to find she ditched me for and I quote the ginger man '' uglier twin '', leaving me to get almost a heart attack. For a second I thought I walked into a wrong shop. '' Both of you walked out of the shop, heading towards your apartment. '' Speaking of that date, you also failed to mention you were dating someone, and here I thought we tell each other everything, tsk tsk. I'm disappointed. '' you nudged her, blush creeping on her cheeks. '' Oh my god are you blushing? He's making you blush just by thinking of him? You need to tell me about him. '' and so she did. She told you how his name is Fred and along with his twin, he has 6 siblings, making both of them the middle children. It was very interesting to know about a man who took an interest in my best friend. Deciding she'll spend the night at yours, you both got cosy into pyjamas and watched movies until you both crashed. The next morning you went together to work, letting you know she'll come to your work for the lunch break. So when your lunch break came, you didn't expect her to walk in with the same ginger man from yesterday. '' y/n/n, I brought us a bodyguard to keep us safe during our lunch break. '' grin played on her lips, making you shake your head. '' Yeah because we're so in danger that someone is gonna try and kill us while eating Taco Bell. '' George snorted, making you look at him. He looked even cuter than yesterday if that's even possible. Maybe there was something in gingers that you'd yet to discover that makes them so attractive. '' So flower boy, what do you do when you're not being a bodyguard or taking care of Evie's flower shop. '' he was grinning at the nickname. '' I own a joke shop with my brother, but we're currently redecorating inside so we had to close it for a week or two. '' An attractive businessman, that's a first one you snorted to yourself. Spending an hour with two of them, turned into a mostly back and forth conversation between George and you. Soon Evie had to leave, her lunch break coming to an end. To your surprise, George asked you if he could stay for a bit longer, which you said yes to since you had no client for another hour. He asked you about your art style, which, according to George made your eyes sparkle up with happiness, making him chuckle when you started to ramble not even noticing. '' You're rambling. '' he chuckled making you blush a little. '' Sorry, sometimes I can get carried away without even noticing. '' George smiled, taking your hand in his, making you look at him. '' Don't apologise, it's adorable. '' blushing even harder, you looked at the clock making you realise that in 15 minutes your client should be coming. '' Oh shit I didn't even realise how much time has passed already, I have to prepare for the next client. But hey if you ever want a tattoo you know where to come. '' You said and with that, you disappeared somewhere behind in the storage, kind of hiding from flower boy, because he's starting to make you feel things you haven't felt before.

Everything was happening so fast, in the next few days he kept coming either alone or in a company of Evangeline. She knew what she was doing and she was enjoying it. You even got to meet Fred, him wanting to meet the fascinating best friend of his girlfriend and the person who his brother can't seem to stop talking about. So when George asked you out, you said yes having nothing to lose. Deciding on a picnic, both of you packed some food, and he picked you up after work, leading you to a park. He prepared a blanket and put down the baskets where food and drinks were, sitting down and relaxing. '' How was your day? '' you began the conversation. '' It was good, mostly spent the entire day thinking of what to bring for our date tonight. '' a smile appeared on his face. '' How was yours? Any interesting tattoos you did? '' so you told him about this older guy who had half of his back tattooed with some weird game character, which made him laugh. Looking up at the sky, it looked amazing. '' Isn't the view beautiful? '' a grin played on your lips as you looked at the stars. George was only looking at you, and how beautiful you looked under the stars. If he wasn't already falling, he definitely would've now. '' Yeah, it couldn't be more beautiful. '' you looked at him and he was looking at you. '' Stop looking at me like that! '' He grinned at you, placing a hand on your cheek. '' Like what? '' he said softly while looking you in the eyes. '' L-like I've placed all the stars in the sky as if I'm the most unique thing on this planet. '' you were avoiding his eyes, knowing you wouldn't be able to breathe if you do. George had other plans, because he softly placed finger under your chin, making you look up at him. His eyes were filled with so much adoration, making you get lost in them. '' I've been looking at you like that ever since we first met, darling. I've grown quite fond of you from the first time our eyes met. '' a smile was spread on both of your lips '' God how much I love seeing you smile. I like you so much, love. '' placing your hands on both of his cheeks '' Can I tell you something? '' you said quietly almost a whisper. '' You can tell me anything. '' ''I like you too flower boy. '' even bigger smile was on his lips. '' Could you say it again? '' you furrowed your eyebrows. '' Were you not listening? '' he shook his head. ' No, I was, I just like the sound of your voice. '' you shook your head at his goofiness. '' Can you kiss me? '' a grin appeared on his lips '' Thought you'd never ask. '' and with that, he placed his soft lips on top of yours, lips mending with each other. It was like fireworks exploded inside you, from how much happiness you felt in this moment. Everything was perfect.

The next day you decided to visit Evangeline in the shop, expecting to see I guy you've grown s much fond of. And there he was stood with Fred and Evangeline, his beautiful smile playing on his lips. '' Hello, hope I'm not interrupting a big secret meeting. '' you joked as you approached them. George pulled you in his embrace, placing a small kiss on your temple as he sneaked an arm around your shoulder. '' Of course not love. '' you smiled at him, starting a conversation with him, not noticing how Fred and Evangeline were looking at the two of you. '' I haven't seen her smile like that in ages. '' Evie said, '' Hey flower boy, '' Fred began only to be shot by a dirty look by you. '' Hey, only I can call him that,'' you said and with that making everyone laugh including yourself. This is the happiest you've been in forever, and you could only hope it could stay like this forever.

[pretoriafics]

If I wasn't a goddamn werewolf - Pt. 6

Heyy! The series is ending, but we still have more chapters to come! Enjoy it while it lasts!

You are so done with all of that drama with men! Word count: 2.573 Pairings: Reader x Derek; Reader x Platonic!Laura Contain: Some angst, Original characters (Daniel, your boyfriend; Lafayette, your friend)  Warnings: English is not my main language <3; Inappropriate language TEEN WOLF MASTERLIST PART 1 |  PART 5

Seventeen years later, Santa Monica, California

"Yeah, girl, I know it's annoying. I mean, live in Beacon Hills? C'mon! There's nothing there!"

Lauren was lay down on her mom and dad's bed, talking with her best friend on her cell phone. The room was entirely filled with boxes: Lauren and her parents were moving to Beacon Hills, which had left her completely annoyed. It's hard for a 15 years old teenager to moving away from her friends to live in a completely different - and smaller - city. Then, she heard a voice calling her.

"Lauren..."

You were at the door frame, with your arms crossed and a serious face. When Lauren saw you, her eyes got widen, and she talks with her friend.

"Uh, Brittany, I have to go. You know, my mom is here giving me that glare. I'll call you later, okay? Bye."

Lauren turns off her phone, and you stare at her.

"I thought you were putting the rest of the things from the cabinet in the boxes."

"I was, but Brit called me and-"

Daniel stopped close to you, looking at Lauren with arched eyebrows.

"What's happening? Lauren, I thought you were putting the things from the cabinet in the boxes."

The teenager rolled her eyes.

"I'm going to do it right now, dammit!"

Daniel looks at you, trying to avoid Lauren's sudden bad mood.

"I'll gonna wait for you downstairs."

You nod for him while Daniel moves away from you. Then, you look at Lauren that was taking a few boxes out from the cabinet.

"Look, I'll go downtown with your dad. I'll be here soon, and then we'll leave. Be ready. I'm serious."

"Okay."

You let your older daughter alone in your bedroom, with your stuff being put in the moving boxes. Then, a suitcase caught Lauren's attention. It was beautiful, made with red velvet. She never saw that thing before. Moving by her curiosity, she opened it. Inside it, Lauren found a few things: a photo album, a necklace with a triskelion pendant, and a diary. The first thing Lauren took was the diary, and when she opened it, she saw a plane ticket to Vegas. That travel was made exactly seventeen years before she was born. With that plane tickets, Lauren also found two polaroid photographs. There, she saw you and Laura Hale with eyeglasses on a sunny afternoon in front of the famous "Welcome to Las Vegas" sign. On the back of that specific photo, a handwritten quote that made Lauren gave a fun smile:

Who cares 'bout the men?

Today, Beacon Hills

Well, Daniel was not Derek's favorite person at all. Was It due to his jealousy? Oh, probably. However, Derek still has his own moral values. It wasn't fair with Daniel what happened between you and Derek, and Hale was completely sure about it. He felt guilty, and if your relationship with Derek wasn't the best earlier, now it seems to get worse. You were feeling guilty about sleeping with him while being in a relationship with Dan, as well as Derek was. He was a nice guy. Daniel didn't deserve it.

Derek was in the hospital where Daniel was working, inside his office with both sitting at the chairs. He made a few questions that would help him to solve the supernatural problem in the city, and despite he had noticed that Daniel wasn't also his biggest fan, he was being pretty collaborative.

"...And this is all I know and saw. I was lucky, I mean, I could have died that night."

Derek nod. Yeah, he could. Despite all, Derek was glad nothing had happened with Daniel.

"Well, a friend of mine managed to escape, so I'm just trying to understand what has happened there."

Daniel stares at him while sitting in his chair, with his arms crossed in front of his chest.

"You know what, Hale? I don't believe you."

Derek arched his eyebrows. He was surely not expecting that.

"...I think I haven't understood you."

"I don't know much about you, but I know you the Hales are different than the most. Inside that bar, I saw things that I can't understand, just like I can't understand things about you and your family."

Well, he really was not expecting that. After a few weird silent seconds, Derek stares at him.

"There a few things outside that could be better for you if you stay away from."

"I noticed."

"I know. You're smart."

"Yeah, Hale. I am." Daniel stood up from his chair, as well as Derek. Daniel gives him a glare, almost deadly "I'm also smart enough to know there three people in my relationship, am I right, Derek?"

Jeez... In that room and in front of that serious man, Derek could feel what feels like a punch at his stomach. Daniel's words made him dizzy.

But he wouldn't let Daniel affects him.

"I don't know, Daniel. You should talk with (Y/N) to find out. I don't have the answers you want."

"Are you sure you haven't?"

"Yeah, I'm sure." Already too annoyed to care, Derek gives his back to Daniel and walks to the door "This is not high school, Daniel. Go talk with her."

And when Derek finally opened the door to leave...

"Derek, wait."

When Derek looks at Daniel, he felt heartbroken. Daniel wasn't with a cold expression anymore. He was surely lost and... heartbroken as well.

"I'm sorry." He started to talk. "I know any of this is your fault. I just know that she is in love with you. She always has." Daniel stares at the floor, melancholic "I envy you. I wish she could love me just like he loves you."

If Daniel's goal was to let Derek without words to say, he achieved it. With the door's handle in his hand, Derek just stares at Daniel without any sign of what he could say. Dammit. It would be the right choice to put all the jealousy to the side to help him someway. Before he could stay anything, Daniel asks:

"Do you love her? Just be honest with me. I need some... Clue of what I should do."

Derek hesitates. However, if it would help him, he would answer. He nods positively, and Daniel lets out a long sigh. This time was Derek's turn to say something.

"I'm serious when I say you need to talk with her."

"I will." Daniel let out a short and humorless laugh. "I'm the intruder here."

"Daniel, I-"

"I will talk with her, Derek. Thank you."

You were heartbroken. You broke up with Daniel. You knew he was bad with it, but when you talked with him about it, you were pretty sure that was the right thing to do. He didn't ask you why you did it or how you decided it. Well, it wasn't like you didn't want to break up with him. It was just the way things happened between both of you. You knew you were being unfair and unfaithful, and that was the reason you felt so bad.

So, he decided to give you a break. You could be back with time, and he was pretty sure he could make you forget all about Derek. And talking about him... Well...

Everyone in the pack knew about you and Daniel, and that's why everyone gave you a break from everything. Without saying things directly, everyone was trying to help you to trespass this phase: Laura appeared at your house with chocolate bars and some movies suggestions to watch. Talia made your favorite food and called you to have lunch at her house. Derek gives you a break about all the supernatural stuff and about himself, and Peter gave you a lot of alcoholic drinks bottles.

But the fact was: You was so done about men! You were so done about all of that drama about Derek and Daniel! Crap! You need some rest.

Two weeks after your breakup with Daniel, you called Laura. It was 1AM, and the older Hale quickly answered your call.

"(Y/N)! What happened?"

"I know it's late, I know." You started to say, sitting on your couch with a glass of wine in one of your hands "But I needed to ask you something."

"...So this is not an emergency? You know, you're not in danger, you didn't say anything-"

"Do you have money?"

Laura's mind got a lack with your question.

"...What?"

"Do you have money? I mean..." You let out a long sigh "Girl... I'm so done with all this shit."

"Wait" Laura sat on her bed "Are you with financial problems or something like that?"

"No, girl. I was thinking about making a trip. We can buy the tickets tomorrow."

The older Hale's sister arched her eyebrows.

"Where do we wanna go?"

"Vegas. You know, who cares 'bout the men? I just want to give me a break, stop feeling guilty and all this shit."

A smile takes form on Laura's lips. She admires your will to move on, and she surely will not let you alone. And Vegas? Oh, it would be fun girls' travel.

"That's my girl. I'll buy the plane tickets right now."

And the next morning, there Laura was! Her suitcase was close to the main door of the house when Derek came from his loft. Confused, he stares at the suitcase and then his sister.

"I didn't know you would travel."

"Neither do I. But you know what? I'm kinda excited. It will be fun."

Derek arch his eyebrows. It was certainly not the answer he was asking for. Then, the doorbell rings. Talia appears from the doorframe of the living room.

"I'll open it."

And when Talia opened the door, there you are: A car was waiting on the street, and you were with a huge smile on your face. Talia's heart got warm when she saw you that way.

"Hi, dear. Laura's ready."

"Oh, really? Great, because I'm already am too."

You got into the house, and despite Derek's heart failed a beat when he saw you, he still with a huge interrogation point on his head.

"Do you talked with that friend?" Laura asked for you while she takes her suitcase from the floor.

"Yeah, he is waiting for us outside. He knows everything about Vegas. The best places to eat, to have fun..."

Completely lost about that matter, Derek followed you and his sister outside.

"Wait, are you going to Vegas?"

Before you could answer him, a car stopped behind your friend's car: It was Daniel, running in your direction. You let out a long sigh in annoyance, and Derek got even more confused. Laura looks at you with wide eyes.

And this is how things exploded: In front of the Hale house.

"(Y/N), wait!" Daniel runs in your direction "I know things got complicated between us, but can we please talk? Wait." Daniel stares at Derek, and then he stares at you "What are you doing here?"

Without any patience for all of that and already too tired to care, you stare at him.

"I'm here to take my goddamn best friend on a trip. Daniel, please, you were being great during those days, but please, don't try to create drama now."

"I'm not trying to create any drama, (Y/N). I just want to talk and solve things. I think you already had time enough to put things straight on your head, so we can talk and try to solve the things that are going wrong between us."

Oh, man... You couldn't believe it.

"Are you serious, Daniel?! What part of "we're done" you couldn't understand?!"

All that drama made the entire pack suddenly appear in the front door: While Talia watches everything with wide eyes and Laura stares at you and Dan like a tennis play, Cora, Isaac, Boyd, Erica, and Peter had run to know what the hell is going on.

Yeah, it was such a scene. A worthy soap operas drama. Oh, and things got even worse when Derek invaded your arguing with your, now, ex-boyfriend.

"Look, leave her alone. She already said what was needed."

That was enough to make Peter look at his niece Cora.

"Well, I miss pop-corn right now."

Derek's presence made Daniel blush in pure rage. His eyes stare at Hale in a homicidal way.

"No one asked anything for you, Derek. This is all your fault! We were great before you come back!"

Your eyes got widen, already knowing what all of that would result in. You knew Derek and Daniel so well to know things probably would evolve. They were two stubborn men wanting the same woman. Things would get worse, surely.

"Look" Derek approaches Daniel, with a low and threatening voice "I'll request you politely one time, and I just do it once: You'll get the hell outta here and leave (Y/N)'s alone, or I swear that I'll rip your throat."

"Enough!"

Your yell was what they needed to finally look at you. The arguing between Derek and Daniel ended with both of them looking at you. It was your turn to say a few things:

"Daniel, look at me: You're being stubborn as hell. I don't want to come back to you. I don't feel anything other than a friendship about you. That's why I broke up. I don't love you."

"You are telling me a thing that I already know, (Y/N). I'm just saying that we just need some time to-"

"We don't need time, Daniel! Do you know what we need? We need to not date! Do you got it, or do I need to draw it for you?" You stare at Derek, talking with him now "I appreciate your gentleman manners, but I know how to defend myself. And you know what?" You look at both men now, raising your middle fingers. "Fuck you both! I'm choosing myself. You guys can punch each other if you want. I don't give a fuck."

Both of them were looking at you in shock, and your face was warm in rage. Actually, everyone was looking at you in shock because you were freaking out. You yelled again, looking at your friend's car.

"Lafayette!"

From the car, a stunning black drag queen with pink hair came out.

"Hi, dear!"

"We're leaving. Could you please help Laura with her bag? Thank you!"

Lafayette approaches Laura and took her suitcase, bringing it to the car. Then, you grabs Laura's wrist and started to drag her to the car. The older Hale sister looks at everyone with wide eyes.

"Let's get outta here, Laura. I'm done with that shit!" You both got into the car, as soon as Lafayette, and you look at Laura "If you bring a man to our hotel's bedroom, I swear by God that I'll get your heart out with my hand."

You were definitely freaking out. You really were so done with all of that shit!

"Girl..." Laura stares at you, scared "You're definitely spending too much time with my family. You even learned how to threaten someone."

"Hey, girls" Lafayette looks at both of you in the backseat "No men, no drama! Let's go!"

Lafayette turns on the car, and Be Happy by CLMD starts to play loud. Then, the three of you were running to LA in the direction of a relaxing and fun trip. And to be happy.

TAGLIST: @teen-wolf-obsessed4life

[seungstarss]

sei as one of the older kids on sfw enhablr (not saying ur old !! i’m just assuming bc 😭😭 it’s just that there’s a lot of minors (12-16) on here) how do you feel abt the current content for the maknae line? like ik it’s not always super sexualized or anything but sometimes i see stuff that’s just the way it’s worded really rubs me the wrong way ☹️ esp bc some of the kids on here are so young it makes me feel like if they see stuff like that , they might start think it’s okay for others to treat them the same or vice verse … whenever i see edits of niki on tiktok , i have to avoid the comments bc there’s almost always like a “daddy” , “how is he 16” or “you don’t know what you do to me” like wtf he’s a literal child ?? it makes me so mad and honestly so uncomfortable :( and i saw an article on kboo today too that said niki apparently has around 200 explicit or mature fics written abt him on ao3 … sometimes even the fboi trope (usually when it’s written abt minors) bothers me bc i see minors writing abt it (like 13-15 y/o) and i don’t understand why they don’t just use the term player or smtg … bc they’ll go out of their way to mention how the character has sex a lot an whatnot , even that feels way too suggestive for me personally for a minor too write let alone abt a minor too , (i’m usually okay with the trope & will read it though if it’s abt the hyung line or written by someone legal but otherwise it just feels kind of unnecessary like i saw a fboi au for hyung line recently that was written by a minor i think 13/14 y/o & they mentioned how the characters would have s*x a lot of talk about it often as like to fit the trope but it felt strange to me)

sorry for the rant,, i was just wondering how you felt … omg also though tbh i noticed that some of the minors on here / blogs in gen seem way too comfy on here like they’ll be sharing where they live , their actual names and sometimes like giving a lot of personal info … like did they not learn abt internet safety or do they just no care? as one of the older kids , i kind of worry abt them :( i really hope everybody stays safe on here <3 & some reminders: never be afraid to block anyone ! bc i’ve seen a lot of minors on here get sent stuff from the p*rn bots or just weird dms :( & u don’t need to force yourself to interact with someone , make sure ur comfy with them first !

Hi nonnie, I've seen this ask floating around a lot and I agree with everything people have said so I'll try to not make this too long

First, I'm actually not too sure abt the current context of the maknae line as I don't actually interact or go out of my way to actively read stuff. And that is because it feels weird reading something abt someone who's younger or around the same age as me. So that is why it IRKS me to even think abt the possibility that people are sexualizing the maknae line. It's absolutely disgusting. I don't have tik tok but I've heard some stuff from a few moots and that's so fuck horrible. To think that people don't understand that it's wrong to sexualize minors is just jarring??? Like I'd like to think it's basic knowledge but damn. But yes I agree that the Fandom is super young and they might feel comfy calling ex. Riki smth like "daddy" (as u mentioned in the tik tok part) EVEN THO ITS SO FUCKING WRONG. I feel like they think that bc they're younger than him, they think it's okay to call him that. BUT ITS NOT. THEY HAVE TO REALIZE THAT HE IS VERY MUCH STILL UNDERAGE AND ITS INAPPROPRIATE AND DISTURBING. And also regarding the "I can’t believe he's only 16" comments seem like they're from people older than him???? Which just makes it worse too??? Like TF YOU SHOULD KNOW THAF THIS IS WRONG? Atp I'm not sure what to even do anymore.... it's just disgusting.

Abt the fboy trope.... UMMMM WHAT NOW???? THATS NOT IT?? writing abt a minor who quote on quote has "sex a lot?" THAT ALREADY SCREAMS RED FLAG. like what the fuck do u realize that's already sexualizing a minor omg. And abt young kids writing suggestive things abt the hyungline also rubs me the wrong way....

Abt the safety thing,,,, tbh I agree but if I critique them I'd feel a lil too hypocritical bc when I was younger I also had socials when I wasn't supposed to. But it's a whole other issue abt putting all ur info out there. People should really take in mind their internet safety and not display everything abt themselves online. It is quite worrying.... and dw abt the blocking thing. I forsake block whoever I feel uncomfortable around :") and I hope others do the same.

Oops I said I would keep this short but if it really ain't short 😭😭🤚🏼 sorry nonnie

[theonethatwatchesalotofshows]

Even before Monica got with Chandler or Richard, I always thought that she would be more compatible with someone who had a similar personality to Richard (obviously I wanted him to be close to her age and want the same things as her, and I wasn’t expecting him to be her parents’ friend). I understood Ross’ concerns about Monica dating Richard (though Ross is kind of a hypocrite cause he dated one of his students) because I can see how that would be weird. I’ve seen so many of my friends get into unhealthy/abusive relationships, sometimes with people who were significantly older then them.

But there are exceptions of course. One of my friends got married at 23 to a guy 13 years older than her but they’re very compatible. They both volunteer to help elderly people in the community (it’s how they met). She works in a daycare and he is teacher. She found his attentiveness and patience appealing. They have the same sense of humor and they’re both introverted. He’s super supportive of her and there doesn’t seem to be a power imbalance. Before I met him I thought the age gap was weird (I was super judgmental about their relationship in my head) but after meeting him I realized they’re a good match. I also know couples who have large age gaps (I’m talking 15-20 years) and are healthy.

I still enjoyed the stability of Chandler and Monica though, especially in juxtaposition to Rachel and Ross’ instability.

Ross is a hypocrite. Remember how he told Joey that he's not allowed to sleep with his students in his acting class but went on to date his student a few seasons later? But I mean I completely understand him being weirded out by his little sister dating his dad's best friend. I would also be concerned for my sister in that situation.

Tbh I'm not sure how to feel about age gap relationships. If both people are over 20 I guess it's okay but then again Taylor Swift dated Jake Gyllenhaal when she was 20 and he was almost 30 and we know how that ended. It depends on the person's maturity I guess. However many of my friends dated or had a thing with older people in their teens (I'm talking age gaps like 18 and 30 or 16 and 23) and I feel like this isn't okay. Also we had a couple in our school that was like 13 and 17 and that actually sickens me. Luckily Monica was 25/26 when she dated Richard so it wasn't pedofilia but he was still too old for her. Monica wanted kids but he already had kids with someone else and was old enough to be a grandfather, not a father. Also wasn't he like twice her age? I'm not sure if I remember that one correctly. So the age difference between them wouldn't be 15-20 years but more like 25-26.

But I mean I am glad it worked out for your friends. My grandma also married my grandpa when she was 21 and he was 29 so age difference relationships can work I guess.

Mondler is my absolute #1 Friends otp though. Like you said Mondler were a polar opposite of Roschel in the way that they were stable and also much more subtle in their relationship, like they didn't need grand gestures or dramatic love declarations. They feel much more realistic. And I love how they prove that fictional couples don't have to be breaking up and getting back together all the time to be interesting.

[heliolicious]

napoleone della rosa's diary - from cristoforo della rosa's point of view

chapter 2: confusion

one day, napoleone had a girlfriend. she appeared very suddenly in his life, the girl of the restaurant confessed to him, a spring day, that she wanted to be his girlfriend. and my brother, a 17 year old, bless his naive being, gave into it without questioning anything. he never got anybody going up to him and asking him out like that, everyone preferred to be away from him. because he was the weird one. the smart ass chatterbox. the one everyone found boring.

portia de amarettis, this was the girl's name. i saw her, multiple times, at home. she seemed to be highly spoilt and respected by our parents, who even started to treat napoleone himself, a little better. something didn't sit right with me about it. something felt fishy, but napoleone was blinded by the feeling of finally having someone by his side. i can't tell if he really ever loved portia, or if he was only ever in love with the sole idea of being loved by someone.

"april 12nd, 1992. (=napoleone's age: 18 / cristoforo's age: 15)

this morning i've been on a date with portia, my girlfriend. we have two almost every week, my parents have never been happier than this, it almost feels like they care about my happiness and my freedom, which is pretty unbelievable. we ate together, and i paid for it to try to be a gentleman. i feel like i took a wrong step, however, when i asked her how she was feeling about making love with me. she is two years older than me, i supposed she already had more experience, but she said she wasn't ready yet. and looked a little upset when she left.

so i took some time to think about where did i go wrong, hoping she wouldn't be upset. i took a walk at the park. and i met a boy, who didn't laugh in my face and didn't call me names when everyone else did. he seemed to be much taken aback from me, and did not want me to see his face. this didn't and won't stop me from being next to him. i'll see him again."

so he met a special friend. a special friend that in a matter of little time, became someway almost as important as portia in his life. but again, his dates with portia started to feel organized in the same way his parents organized and kept under their control his studying schedule. my brother would have wanted to spend an afternoon with his new friend, but sometimes, they set up a date for him and the girl three afternoons in a row. so he couldn't see his friend, for quite some time.

his girlfriend started to feel more like homework, during those days, leading my brother to think about it and realize, that maybe it wasn't as good as he thought. that maybe his heart didn't really beat for her precisely, nothing was in his heart when she smiled, he only ever felt something when he thought about receiving love. no matter whether it came from portia herself or not. until he realized what being suddenly lovestruck really meant.

when his friend showed up with a completely different face. a perfect one. a porcelain doll looking one.

"april 20th, 1992. (=napoleone's age: 18 / cristoforo's age: 15)

i am feeling weird. i have a girlfriend, so it can't be that my heart is racing for desire towards someone else. it should just be for the surprise, he said it's a curse that changed his appearance. never have i ever struggled to keep myself from kissing someone this hard. but he's a man. and i am one too. i don't know how to take this, not to mention, i am busy with portia. even if i never felt this way for her. this might just be the effect of the surprise for i have seen his new face. i have a date with portia, tomorrow. i'll see what do i feel about her and judge what's up with me."

"april 22th, 1992. (=napoleone's age: 18 / cristoforo's age: 15)

i don't know what to say, nor why i did it. there's nothing i want to write here, if not that i messed up, when portia leaned in for a kiss and i backed off. she thought i was upset because she didn't want to sleep with me yet. the truth is, i just don't know if i love her anymore. it saddens me, she seems to love me a lot. or at least she's doing anything to keep me. in all honesty, i fear what would happen if i told her the truth, or worse, if i told my parents. i can't even ask for my friend's opinion. it would require telling him i ache for a kiss of his. and it feels wrong."

i can't hide these pages of my brother's diary hurt me. because i've already read it all, and it makes me furious.

however, napoleone soon found out everyone, portia included, had been using him the whole time, for her family's restaurant had been falling into bankruptcy due to debts with passione, a huge mafia. the plan was getting her married to napoleone, joining the families together, to start a good total income for the two families, being the de amarettis restaurant the best one in the city and the one with most success. the only obstacle so far, had been the debts to fulfill with the rival mafia.

but now, napoleone's heart created another obstacle. when he found out portia never really loved him, and that her family and his own parents played him like a fiddle for money, he stabbed with a dagger all the pages that contained words of affection towards her. or that spoke about her in any case. it took me a little to understand the missing pieces and restore the pages i showed a second ago, but i was able to fix them quite well.

the last piece of this chapter doesn't require his diary anymore, however. after stabbing it with a dagger, he never spoke about her again, in his diary. so, i'm gonna have to expose something i spied in secret.

he mentioned in the first diary page i showed here, that he felt almost as if his parents had started to care about him, after he got together with portia. but he soon learnt at his own expenses that it was just for money. of course, my brother tried to delete her from his mind, even if it was not possible. he even let a lot of anger off, in secret. but when our father saw him set himself up all elegant and good looking, more than he looked like when he used to hang with portia, he questioned really hard where he was gonna go.

napoleone always tried to stay outside with his special friend the most he could, he did not want to stay inside, seeing our family angered him, and seeing lady delphine angered him more, since she knew about it and never told him. he trusted her deeply for years, and she gave his trust away too.

however, my brother was just trying to go outside and spend an afternoon with his friend, when our father stopped him.

"who is it?" he just asked. straight to the point. napoleone could just freeze on the spot and turn around. our mother, olympia, was just in the next room, but as i was spying in secret, i'm sure she was listening just as much. "not only you ruin what your mother and i had planned for you, money and a wedding, but you also have the guts of setting yourself up and leaving like this. almost everyday, instead of studying. there must be someone. is she... rich?"

"no. can i go?"

"is she known?"

"i don't owe you answers. i really... just wanna go-" a loud, smacking sound. when my brother refused to answer for the second time, our father lost his patience. he always snapped. too quickly. i had never seen it before, though. napoleone was the one who always got caught into it. his cheek hurt immensely. his glasses flew off.

"you don't have the power you think you hold, leone. you disobey your mother and i, you leave a betrothed behind for a random lady, a poor underdog god knows where you found. you've always been an obedient kid. what are you doing of your life?"

"she's not an underdog. he- she- ... she is someone i value."

our father stared at him. immensely. for some seconds. my fifteen year old mind didn't get what had happened, i used to ask myself what was wrong with having a male friend, but my current mind does understand what the whole situation truly meant, enough to tell about it. napoleone had slipped on it, and our father wasn't so stupid to not to notice. in fact, he stared at napoleone with a disgusted expression for seconds that felt neverending. and then, whispered under his breath. "you filthy f****t. whose son are you? not mine, for sure."

don't make me write that fully. our father said that word to him, and i didn't know what it meant, when i was fifteen. but now i know, and it gives me chills to think about the scene. the scene of my father taking a handful of my brother's hair to kick his nose, insulting him and telling him he was a disappointment. it was the first time, i ever heard napoleone scream in agony. our father sometimes slapped us if we didn't behave, but he never got so far.

when we were younger, napoleone had little to no muscle. and he was definitely thinner than me. now, it's the contrary, but at the time, it really mattered. the scene continued under my - hidden - eyes and under my mom's gaze, until my brother had a seizure and could just lie on the ground, not reacting, not answering to anything.

"i will find your son's filthy friend." our father murmured in our mother's ear. and i don't know what happened afterwards. all i know, is that i saw my brother's eyes widen and move towards them, as if he heard them despite the ongoing seizure. and the day after, i witnessed him shooting our father in the head.

"june 5th, 1992. (=napoleone's age: 18 / cristoforo's age: 15)

no, no you won't."

it was the beginning of the end.