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emberfrostlovesloki · 9 months ago

Text

Dead Center [Hotch x Reader]

Photo credits: Center (@madneyslifeline) Right and Left (@spencermyangel)

Prompt: Aaron wards off a creepy man from the reader at the shooting range and comes to realize that the reader is dealing with a lot more than just one man making inappropriate advances toward them.

Pairing: Aaron x gender neutral!non-BAU!reader. The reader uses they/them pronouns

Category: angst/comfort

Word Count: 11.5K

Content Warnings: unwanted touch [from multiple men], mention of drinking, guns [used at a shooting range] revenge porn [the reader’s nudes are leaked online] threat of assault [by multiple people (it does not happen)], a hand is placed over reader's mouth and the reader is pinned down [by some creepy men], mention of cheating [happens to the reader], trauma, isolation. If I missed any, please let me know

A/N: Hi loves! Here is another fic based on the amazing @imagining-in-the-margins January/February Writing Challenge. The prompt was “The character learns to navigate their life after a traumatic event.” I just want to give a heads-up that this is a little dark, but the reader is safe at the end and finds some comfort with Aaron. It takes a bit to reveal what happened to the reader, but I hope the build-up is worth it. This is another novel of a fic, but I hope you enjoy it! If you enjoy this fic, likes, comments, and reblogs are appreciated! I hope you’re having a great start to your weekend and thanks for reading. Love Levi - ❤️

P.S. I was so excited to get this out that I didn't edit it like my normal fics. I will go in tomorrow and do a proper edit then.

List with all stories

_y/n_ = your name

_y/c/e_’s = your color eyes

_u/sf/d_ = up/straight forward/down (depending on your height)

_y/f/c_ = your favorite color

_y/e/p’s/n_ = your ex-partner’s name (the ex is an ass so add the name of someone you dislike here)

_y/n_ cringed back as the shot rang out. It was so loud that they almost closed their eyes. However, _y/n_ managed to almost hit the target and that was a victory. The sound of other shots at the gun range continued throughout the large space. Even with the headphones on, the noise is distracting. What’s even more distracting is yet another person is tapping _y/n_'s shoulder. _y/n_ was fully aware that they couldn’t shoot for shit. It’s not surprising to anyone at this range. However, their inability with a Glock was not an open invitation for every man in the place to offer advice on their technique. _y/n_ strips off their headphones and turns to look at the next man.

He’s wearing a cowboy hat, jeans, and a belt buckle that’s laughable large. _y/n_ resisted the urge to laugh at that man-wanna-be-cowboy. Before _y/n_ could even get a word out the man said, “Sweetheart, I can’t help but notice you might need a hand with that pistol. I’ve got lots of practice under my belt.” The guy patted his belt as an attempt at a joke, and _y/n_ gave him a weak smile that didn’t reach their eyes. Again, _y/n_ tried to say that they weren’t interested in any help, but the man had moved into their personal space and ran a hand up their arms that was holding the gun. _y/n_ froze instantly. His hand was warm, too warm on their exposed skin. _y/n_ struggled to take a breath, let alone tell him to back off. The man leaned in closer and said, “Now sweetheart, if you just hold the gun like this,” he slid his hand down _y/n_’s arm and to their hand, wrapping around the handle of the gun and their fingers. The guy was so close. _y/n_ could feel his breath on their, neck. The panic was rising like it did now in all situations like this. _y/n_ thought that this might be the incident that broke them. Thankfully someone stepped in just in time before that happened.

Hotch walked into the shooting range and checked in. Once the man at the counter checked his gun and gave him a key for a locker. The worker said, “Lane 10 is open, Mr. Hotchner.” Aaron nodded and took back his ID. He slipped his wallet into his pants pocket and moved to his locker. He put the extra things he had in his pockets in the grey chipping lockers as well as his duffle bag. Before locking it up, he took out his protective headphones and glasses. No matter where he was shooting, as long as it wasn’t on the field, he took all the safety measures he could. He’d nearly lost his hearing once, he wasn’t going to let it happen again. Hotch confidently stepped into the range. He didn’t normally feel the need to blow off steam this way. He didn’t see shooting as an outlet for emotions. He had actually killed people before, more time than he had ever wished. Many of those had been with his sidearm. So shooting guns wasn’t just a fun hobby to him. But he didn’t mind the practice now and then. He was a great shot, but he knew he could improve, and when he had an open Saturday and nothing better to do, he decided he could get a few rounds in. Aaron pulled his headphones over his ears, as he stepped into the range. The familiar sound of fire hit him, and he looked over to lane ten.

He furrowed his brow as there was a man half in his lane and half in lane nine. It was a tall guy and he was standing very close to the person actually in lane nine. Hotch let out a huff and thought for a moment that the guy was the other person’s partner. He saw this sometimes. Men trying to be macho often brought their significant other to shoot for the first time. He often found these guys couldn’t even shoot well. As Hotch got closer to his lane, he became aware that the person in lane nine was incredibly uncomfortable. They looked frozen to the spot and the man was pressed close to them. Not only was he close, but he was running a hand down their arm toward their hand that was barely holding onto the pistol. From the set of the frozen person’s shoulders, Aaron could see the tension in their body. This made Hotch move more quickly. Even if the man in the cowboy hat was their partner, it was clear the gun wielder wasn’t comfortable with what was going on. As he approached the pair, moving to the lane that he had booked. The cowboy turned to look at him with a sour look on his face as his chance to be close to _y/n_ was being interrupted. He scowled at Hotch, but Aaron calmly replied, “I’ve got this lane booked for the next hour. Mind if I use it?” He wasn’t looking for a confrontation, especially not one where everyone was holding a weapon. However, he did want to shoot. He was also interested in seeing if the man kept bothering the stranger next to him. Much to Aaron’s chagrin the man just fully moved into lane nine. Hotch sighed slightly, undid the safety of his gun, and listened as the man said, “Alright baby, now shoot like I just told you and showed you.”

Aaron couldn’t help but look over to see the result. _y/n_ raised the gun. It was shaking in their hands, but they hoped that they shot, badly, that the unwanted guy might finally leave them alone. _y/n_ pointed in their lane and pressed the trigger. They were so far off that the bullet didn’t even hit the target. Not even close. Aaron held back any comments of noise, but the cowboy didn’t and he said, “Baby did you listen to anything that I told you?” It was clear to Aaron that “Baby” hadn’t, and Hotch watched as the guy physically put his hands on their hips and moved them back. It became even more evident that _y/n_ was frozen with fear and just let it happen. The man said, “It’s alright sweetheart, let Dalton show you how it’s done.” Dalton made sure to shoot Aaron a look as he took out his own, overpriced gun and aimed at the blank target. It almost seemed impossible, but his shot was worse than _y/n_’s. There was a small chuckle from _y/n_ behind Dalton, and he turned on his heel. He looked angry, and Hotch stepped forward a bit to stop any confrontation, as _y/n_ shied away from the red-faced man. Dalton turned toward Aaron and placed his hands on his belt as if challenging the Agent to do better. Aaron rarely felt the need to be competitive. He was confident in his abilities. However, when he was given such an easy opportunity, he couldn’t pass it up. Hotch had slipped the safety back on when he wanted to observe the pair next to him, but quickly undid it again, turned toward his target, lined up his shot, and took three perfectly clean shots in the center of his target. Hotch slipped the safety back on and looked at the man. Dalton furrowed his brow and almost said something, but stormed off instead due to embarrassment.

As soon as the creepy guy was gone, _y/n_ relaxed and leaned against the barrier to the shooting field. They felt such a relief at being left alone that they hardly noticed Aaron’s concerned expression. Only after _y/n_ had taken a few breaths did they turn their head to look at the man who had helped them out of such an uncomfortable situation. They had been too panicked and barely noticed him before, but _y/n_ did now. He was tall, As tall as Mr. Cowboy, but standing back a respectful distance. This man looked professional. Like someone who might carry a gun for work. _y/n_ thought that they were reading into the dark-haired stranger too much. _y/n_ realized that they were staring and said softly, “Thank you so much for getting him to go away. I’m sorry he was in your space.” Hotch nodded and watched as _y/n_ seemed to compose themself as they spoke to him. Aaron offered a small smile and replied, “You don’t need to thank me, I think he was more in your space than mine. I’m sorry he was bothering you.” Aaron didn’t want to repeat Dalton’s gross behavior and he just nodded and moved back to his lane and target practice.

_y/n_ felt like saying more to the man next to them, but he’d stepped back. He seemed absorbed in his practice which seemed to hit the mark every time he shot his gun. In some ways that made _y/n_ even more comfortable next to him. He was here for a reason, and that reason didn’t involve bothering them. _y/n_ wasn’t sure if it was their appearance or their inability to shoot a gun, but they had been bothered and offered advice nearly the whole time they had been here. _y/n_ tried to follow the man’s lead and turned back to their target. Although Hotch wasn’t directly paying attention to _y/n_, that didn’t stop him from occasionally looking at them now and then. It was clear that _y/n_ was trying and the next couple of shots at the target got closer to the mark but still didn’t hit the paper sheet. Aaron focused back on his shooting and after a few minutes felt a pair of eyes on him. He knew it was the person next to him. Again, he considered offering more advice but didn’t want to impose or offer help where it wasn’t wanted. He hoped that if _y/n_ wanted help, they’d ask him.

And, as usual, Hotch was right because when he took a small break and took off his earmuffs, _y/n_ turned to him and said in a bit of a louder, more confident voice, “You’re really good with that.” _y/n_’s _y/c/e_’s looked briefly at the gun that fit so naturally in his hand and then back to his face. After a small pause, they asked, “Would you mind if I watched you while you practiced? I might actually learn about something from you.” Hotch smiled and said, “Sure you can. Would you like me to tell you what I’m doing while I do it ?” _y/n_ hadn’t expected the man to care enough to offer his help. They felt like they were imposing already by asking to watch, so being offered a verbal tutorial left like something special. Especially coming from someone as skilled as he was. _y/n_ nodded in agreement and said, “Yes, please that’d be very helpful.” Hotch smiled again and said, “I’m happy to help. I’m Aaron by the way.” _y/n_ gave him a small smile, the first he’d seen on them the whole time they were next to each other. _y/n_ lifted a hand and said, “I’m _y/n_. Nice to meet you.” Hotch replied, “It’s nice to meet you too.” He cleared his throat and continued, “Now, when you’re shooting you need a firm grip on the handle of the gun. It’s going to be loud and there will be blowback from the shot, and if you have a weak grip the aim won’t be good.” This was one of the things that Aaron had noticed off the bat about _y/n_’s shooting. Aaron demonstrated how to properly handle a gun with the safety off. He then stated, “Next you want to make sure your line of sight is directly with the gun and the target. You don’t want your eyes higher or lower than the gun itself. It’s like in baseball or softball when people say to keep your eyes on the ball. Here you keep your eyes on the tip of the gun.” Hotch drew a line from his eyes to the point of his extended weapon and said, “After that, it’s about lining up the shot and then following through with the trigger press. Be confident with it. If you’re not then the shot isn’t going to be good either.”

To demonstrate the things he’d just said, Hotch slipped off the safety of the gun in his hands, lined up the shot, and pressed the cool metal of the trigger. Aaron was so used to the feel of the blowback that he didn’t flinch. It helped that he was trained and strong. He took two more shots to allow _y/n_ to see the process multiple times. _y/n_ nodded and said, “Thank you for explaining it to me. Hopefully, I can at least hit the target once before my time is up.” Aaron smiled and said, “I bet you’ll get it. Just try and relax if you can. Is this your first time shooting a gun?” _y/n_ looked at the ground suddenly self-conscious at being observed in a non-creepy way. _y/n_ looked back up and nodded, saying, “Yeah. I assumed it was pretty obvious.” Hotch let out a small chuckle and said, “Well I’ve met people that have had guns for years, and they still don’t know how to handle them.” For a second Spencer flashed into his mind, but he’d seen other agents, and most of all, cops not be able to shoot for anything and he wanted to reassure _y/n_ that it was okay if they didn’t get it the first time. For some reason, he didn’t assume they were just here for fun. _y/n_ gave a small smile back and said, “Thanks.” They turned back to their lane wanting to use the rest of their time making a real attempt at shooting. _y/n_ did reflect on the fact that the man next to them had said that he worked with people who carried, which meant that he probably carried too which would explain why he was such a good shot.

Aaron returned to his practice as well, only checking _y/n_’s progress once or twice. They were getting better. The last time Aaron checked, _y/n_ had gotten a lot closer to the target. They still hadn’t hit one of the three rings, but they were getting close. _y/n_ only had ten minutes left of their time and were getting annoyed that they hadn’t at least made it to the fifty-point circle. Aaron had put down his gun and even though _y/n_ didn’t think guns or carrying was for them after this encounter, they still wanted to at least hit the target. With little time left and no one else to turn to, _y/n_ looked at Aaron again and asked, “Sorry, to bother you again, Aaron, but could you just show me how to do this?” Hotch had noticed _y/n_ get more and more frustrated and he wondered if they would reach a breaking point. He’d seen people crack at much smaller things.

He could tell _y/n_ carried some tension in their shoulder that he couldn’t place. He couldn’t really place _y/n_ at all. They didn’t seem to belong in a place like this. But when _y/n_ asked for help again, he was happy to offer it to make them feel comfortable in a space that could be intimidating. He stepped forward, just a little and replied, “Sure. Do you mind if I help by guiding your hands a bit?” He didn’t want to touch them without getting their permission first. _y/n_ nodded. They hadn’t trusted any of the men who had offered to “help” them up to this point. But Aaron hadn’t pried at all and he asked before touching them. Plus, _y/n_ knew that he would need to. _y/n_ nodded their consent, and Hotch took a step closer into their personal space. He said reassuringly, “Alright, hold you’re gun out.” _y/n_ did as he asked, and pointed at the dreaded target. Hotch took their hand that was gripping the gun in his. His hand covered theirs and he steadied their arm with his. He then got on eye level with them, still providing space where he could, and made sure the gun was in line with the target. He asked softly, “Can you see the target and the tip of the gun together?” _y/n_ turned their face to him and said, “I can.” Aaron nodded and dropped his hands from their body for an instant, put his headphones back on, and then moved back to where he just was next to _y/n_. He used his left hand to wrap around _y/n_’s he could feel the trigger under their hand and he lined up the shot again. He took a breath and helped _y/n_ press the trigger. The bullet hit dead center.

_y/n_’s mouth opened slightly in surprise. They snapped it back shut as Aaron moved a step back and dropped his hands from their hand and shoulder. _y/n_ suddenly missed his presence. _y/n_ was aware that they hadn’t made the shot, that it had been all Aaron. Hotch noticed and said, “Now, _y/n_ pretend I’m right there with you like I just was.” _y/n_ nodded and aimed the gun at the target again. This time it felt much easier. They could feel where Aaron’s hands had been, how he’d looked at the tip of the gun and the target. _y/n_ let out a breath and considered how he had said to try and relax. When _y/n_ was focused in, they pressed the trigger, and for once, didn’t flinch back. Much to _y/n_’s surprise, this bullet had hit the 25-point circle on the target. _y/n_ smiled slightly, slipped the safety back on the gun, and pulled off their headphones. Sure it wasn’t the center like Aaron seemed incapable of not missing, but it was something. They were proud of that and it was a good place to stop. _y/n_ didn’t want to push their luck. Aarou could sense the shift in _y/n_ and he said, “Good job. I knew you could do it. Are you heading out?” _y/n_ nodded and stated, “Yeah, my time’s up and I’ll end on a high note. Thanks for all the help. I wouldn’t have gotten that shot without you.” Hotch gave a small nod and said, “I’m happy to help. Have a good rest of your day.” _y/n_ smiled and gave a small wave as they moved to the exit. Hotch couldn’t help but notice as Dalton and another man he’d noticed staring at _y/n_ also holstered their guns and made their way from the far side of the room to the exit as well. A small part of Hotch’s brain said that it could be a coincidence, but the profiler in him had him quickly holster his gun and walk to catch up with _y/n_. Outside he leaned against the door, as he watched _y/n_ check in the rented gun and then move to a locker. _y/n_ pulled out their things and grabbed their car keys from their tote before slinging the bag over their shoulder.

Just before Dalton moved out of the door, Hotch approached _y/n_ and said, “Hey, _y/n_ you forgot something in your lane.” _y/n_ looked up at him and said, “Did I?” They didn’t remember leaving anything in there. _y/n_ turned toward Aaron and he leaned forward and softly said, “Act natural, you have a few ‘admirers’ that seem to be following you.” Hearing Hotch’s words _y/n_ seemed to freeze up again. Aaron took a breath to remind them to remain calm. _y/n_ looked _u/sf/d_ at him and asked, “Is it the cowboy dude?” Hotch briefly turned his gaze to the left and Dalton and the other man were both standing with arms folded by the gun counter. Aaron nodded and added “And a man in all black. Do you know them?” _y/n_ swallowed and tried to stay calm as they said, “Not until today. They wouldn’t leave me alone in there.” Hotch nodded in understanding and said, “Alright. Do you have all of your things? I can walk you to your car if you want. Make sure you’re not followed?” _y/n_ nodded. They wouldn’t have normally accepted such an offer, but because they had built a rapport with Aaron already and he seemed trustworthy, _y/n_ accepted. Hotch moved to their side and let _y/n_ lead the way out into the bright parking lot.

Aaron ensured the two men didn’t get close to _y/n_ or their car. _y/n_ unlocked the vehicle and Hotch opened the door for them. When _y/n_ was seated and the keys were in the ignition, they turned to him and said, “Thanks again, again, Sorry for all the inconveniences I’ve caused you today, Aaron.” Hotch brushed off the thanks and said, “There’s no need to thank me, _y/n_. I hope you have a safe rest of your day.” He gave them a final parting smile, closed the door for them, and watched as _y/n_ drove away. Once _y/n_ was out of the parking lot, he turned and frowned at Dalton and the other men who had made _y/n_ feel unsafe. It was ironic as a gun range should be a place where safety should be ensured. Both men frowned into the sun and moved back inside, blocked from any further advances. Hotch also moved inside but chose not to shoot anymore. He signed out and moved back home. He’d had enough excitement for the day and he wasn’t keen on having any further contact with Dalton or the other men at the range. Given how _y/n_ had been treated here, he didn’t expect to see them here again, but the thought of what had drawn them here in the first place stuck as he made his way home.

Hotch hadn’t expected to see _y/n_ again, but he did and in a place about as opposite from the shooting range as he could imagine. It was a few weeks later and the weather had turned from the Winter chill to the beginnings of the rejuvenation of Spring. Fresh buds and leaves were shooting from the trees that had been bare last month. During this time, Aaron liked to take Jack out to one of the local Farmer’s Markets near his place. Jack always loved getting some lemonade and a little snack as they walked around the stalls and people-watched. Whether it was his son emulating his father or just a current hobby, Jack had picked up making observations on people while Aaron was around and he found it adorable to see his son, “profile” people from afar. It was early afternoon, and Jack had his drink and Aaron was looking for a decent coffee while Jack walked on tip-toes around the stalls for a cookie or something sweet. Hotch made sure to keep his pace soft so Jack could keep up with him.

Everything seemed to be calm. People were strolling about, the park where the Market was being held was bustling with families and kids on roller skates. Again, it seemed like a perfectly safe place. That illusion was shattered when a slightly louder voice from in front of Jack and Aaron said, “Hey, she clearly said she wasn’t interested, so back off already.” A lower male voice repeated in just as loud a voice, “No one asked you your opinion so keep your nose out of our business.” From both people’s tone of voice, the situation didn’t sound good and Hotch turned to Jack quickly and said, “Alright, Buddy, time to come up.” Jack nodded happily and moved into his dad’s arms. Aaron picked up his son and moved through the crowd to find the source of the disturbance. Aaron saw a man, a few inches shorter than him standing with his hands on his hips in front of two people. The first he recognized as _y/n_ from a few weeks ago. The other was new to him.

Aaron didn’t want to cause a scene for everyone, especially not with Jack here, so he called out over the noise, “_y/n_, Jamie, there you are. Sorry parking the car took so long, it was a mess out there. At hearing a familiar half-familiar voice, _y/n_ looked over at Aaron and relaxed immediately. It was surprising, yet calming to see him again. At least this time they weren’t the ones that needed protection. At least not at the start. _y/n_ had gotten involved in the situation precisely because of the gun range incident. _y/n_ had decided that guns weren’t for them at all, but having someone stand up for them had felt good. They felt safe for the first time in over a month. So when _y/n_ saw a young woman being followed and then spoken to in a demeaning and intimidating manner, they felt like they should step in as the man at the range had. The dude didn’t seem that intimidating until he did. When he raised his voice and moved toward the woman, _y/n_ stepped between them and told him to “back the fuck off,” he didn’t take it well. _y/n_ was proud of standing their ground and keeping the guy away, even if it did mean backing up. However, even though _y/n_ hadn’t fallen into a panic as they had expected in the situation, they were immediately relieved when Aaron came into view.

_y/n_ caught onto Hotch’s plan quickly, took the woman’s hand, and said, “Hey, Aaron. Yeah, we were worried about you.” To make it look extra convincing to the man, _y/n_ leaned over to Jack and smiled, saying, “Hey, kiddo. How are you?” As the group moved down the street, the woman followed along with _y/n_ and Hotch watched as her face began to relax. He looked behind him and watched as the man took a few steps forward. Aaron shot him a glare and the unnamed dude halted in his tracks. In instances like these, Aaron was glad he had a look that could freeze lava. When he turned back to the pair, he made sure to relax his facial muscles. He didn’t want to make them uncomfortable. When the trio plus Jack got to a quiet space, _y/n_ turned to the woman and said, “Are you, alright darling? Did he bother you at all?” The woman sniffled a little and said, “He was just being a…” She stopped herself from saying an adult insult as she remembered there was a kid here and said instead, “... a major creep. Thanks for stepping in. I wouldn’t have been brave enough to do that.”

The woman smiled at _y/n_, Aaron and Jack. Hotch smiled but knew that he hadn’t done the hard work this time. _y/n_ also smiled and said, “I understand.” Their voice dropped and _y/n_ added, “Something bad happened to me a month ago, so I couldn’t just watch as that dude followed you.” There was a small pause as the woman put a hand on _y/n_’s shoulder. They perked up a bit and asked, “Are you waiting for someone, or did you come here by yourself? I’m _y/n_ by the way.” The woman smiled and said, “Ainsley. It’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m waiting for my husband. He’s the one taking forever” she said and smiled over at Aaron. As Ainsley said this, however, her eyes shifted past Aaron’s shoulder and she rolled them. She looked back to the pair and said, “Well speak of the devil. He’s over there looking at the bread stand again. He keeps on forgetting he’s allergic to gluten bless him. Thank y’all so much for the help. Let me stop him before he buys stuff he can’t even eat.” The woman quickly moved over to her husband and both Aaron and _y/n_ watched as Ainsley moved to the bread stall. _y/n_ couldn’t help but laugh at the argument the couple seemed to be having and Aaron joined in. Although both found it slightly funny, they also realized it wasn’t a good situation before.

Hotch turned to _y/n_ and said, “That was good of you to do _y/n_. I’m sorry to hear you went to something bad before.” _y/n_ dropped their eyes at the memory and said, “It was the least I could do.” _y/n_ didn’t feel like reflecting on why they felt like they needed to be able to protect themself and others. To lighten the mood, _y/n_ looked at Jack and his drink and said, “I don’t believe I’ve introduced myself, I’m _y/n_ and you are?” _y/n_ held a hand out to Jack and his eyes went wide at the attention. Aaron turned his gaze to his son and said, “Jack, what do we say when we meet someone new?” Jack looked at his dad and then _y/n_ and said softly, “Hi!” The little boy also gave a small wave with his words. Hotch chuckled and said, “And what else do we say?” Jack smiled and replied, “My name’s Jack, what’s yours?”

_y/n_ smiled and chuckled softly before repeating their name. Aaron’s smile widened at his son’s practicing his social skills. He could see _y/n_ look from Jack to his left hand and then to him. Aaron shifted his son to his other side and said, “This is my son by the way.” _y/n_ smiled and nodded, saying, “Well it’s nice to meet you, Jack. And it’s good to see you again too, Aaron. I hope you’ve been well since I’ve last seen you?” Hotch’s mind flashed to the last two cases. They had been hard, but _y/n_ didn’t need to hear about that, so he said, “It’s been good.” Hotch caught sight of the cold brew in their hand and he asked, “Can I ask where you got the coffee? I haven’t seen any around here yet.” _y/n_ smiled and said, “It’s a bit hidden. The stall is at the very back behind the crepe people. I might ask Jack where he got his lemonade. This heat is starting to get to me.” Hotch chuckled as _y/n_ half looked at him and half looked at Jack. It was clear that they were trying to include Jack in the conversation, but knew that Aaron was the one with the answer they wanted. Hotch replied, “It’s in the opposite direction as the crepe guy. Just down this way and to the left.”

Hotch could see why _y/n_ was hot in their _y/f/c_ long-sleeve shirt and form-fitting black pants. He had to move his eyes up before he got distracted. He didn’t want to start being the creep in this situation. _y/n_ didn’t even notice his distraction and said, “Okay. Thanks for the scoop. I think I’ll head over there or I might melt in this heat. It was nice to see you again. Maybe I’ll catch up with you later, maybe?” Jack squirmed in Hotch’s arms and he let his son down, saying, “Sure thing, _y/n_. I’ll see you around.” Jack was pulling at Aaron’s arm and _y/n_ let them both go with a wave. They knew it was unlikely that they had seen each other again. They weren’t expecting a third chance encounter. Little did either of them know the last meeting before Aaron found out what had happened to _y/n_ would come sooner than either of them imagined.

The rest of that afternoon unfolded uneventfully for both Aaron and _y/n_. Both got their drinks and then left without seeing the other again. On the drive home, Jack looked at his dad from his car seat and asked, “Daddy, who was that person today at the park?” Aaron looked at his son in the rearview mirror and tried to think of how to word his response. “Aquanitice wasn’t a word or topic he fully thought Jack could get yet, so he opted to say, “Well _y/n_ is a friend of mine and they were doing a good thing, and I wanted to make sure they were okay.” Jack nodded slowly and then asked, “Are they a friend like Uncle Rossi or Aunt Emily?” Hotch chuckled slightly at the affection Jack gave the team and clarified, “Not that close of a friend, Buddy. But we can learn something from _y/n_ today, and that’s when you see something bad or scary happening you should try and help. That doesn’t always mean getting into the situation, sometime it means finding someone to help, but you should always help people where you can. Okay, Jack?”

Jack nodded happily. The inquisitive child that he was, Jack had to ask, “What was dangerous back there, Daddy?” Hotch let out a nod, knowing this wasn’t a conversation Jack was ready for. Aaron replied, “I’ll tell you when you’re older, okay, son?” Jack nodded and then seemed to get absorbed by finishing his lemonade and looked out of the window at the scenery. As the car ride lulled into silence, Aaron considered how some spaces that should be safe, spaces that were safe for him simply weren’t for other people. Facts like that always made him sad. He wished reality wasn’t like that. Hotch reflected back on one of the things _y/n_ had said that afternoon, Their words to Ainsley about “something bad happening to them” echoed through his head. He assumed this bad thing wasn’t just the incident he was involved in. He tried to imagine what had happened to _y/n_ but realized it was pointless. Unless _y/n_ directly told him about the bad thing, which he didn’t expect to happen, he was just going to have to let it go. This thought stuck with Hotch as he made it home. As Aaron and Jack entered the apartment, he promised to teach his son that it was important to keep people safe and to model that behavior like he had to today when he could. Hotch knew he had the privilege of training and a gun to keep him safe, and this would come in handy when he saw _y/n_ for the third time.

The third time Aaron met _y/n_ was not that long after the last. The team was celebrating the end of a long and violent kidnapping case and Emily’s two-year anniversary of joining the team. The BAU had gone to a nicer bar in D.C. thanks to the fact that Rossi was paying, everyone stayed up a little later than they normally would. It helped that it was a Friday night and the bar was full of people to watch and loud enough for them to talk about what they wanted without being overheard. After four rounds and some good conversation, everyone moved out while Rossi paid the tab. Spencer, JJ, and Penelope had parked to the right while Aaron, Derek, and Emily, along with Rossi had found parking in a garage on the left side of the street. One problem that everyone always complained about when it came to going to D.C. was the parking. It was always terrible. The BAU split into two groups after saying their goodbyes. Hotch’s trio moved down the half-busy street. Some bars had people lining up to get in while others seemed empty.

Aaron was having a conversation with Emily and paying attention to what she was saying, while Derek watched what was happening on the street. He noticed something unsettling happening in front of them. On the darker side of the street which was almost empty, Morgan noticed a few yards ahead a group of three men manhandling and herding someone forward and toward the stone wall and an alleyway that was even darker than the street. Derek was too far away yet to hear what was being said, but when they got a few feet closer Morgan caught something from the person being pushed: “I told you that ad was fake, just leave me alone. God get your hands off of me.” Derek watched as one of the men moved a hand over the person’s mouth and pushed them forward. This was when Derek tapped Aaron urgently and said, “Situation at 1:00 o’clock.” Hotch’s head snapped up and he saw what was happening in the gloom ahead.” A rush of worry passed through him as he noticed _y/n_ as the one being towed by three men larger than them. Hotch looked at Morgan and both men moved into a sprint down the road. Emily followed closely behind, now noticing what her other two teammates had.

_y/n_ tried to thrash and kick those holding them against the cold wall, but they were pinned on either side, unable to scream. The man in front of them has his hands at _y/n_'s waistband while his friend covers their mouth. _y/n_ flinches as gruff hands move under their shirt, working up their torso. _y/n_ tried to fight, but it was no good. As the violation continued and their clothes were pulled away from their body, y/n_ accepted the fact that this would happen. No one had listened to them. Not the police, not Craigslist support. They tried to blank their mind out as much as possible at what was happening to them, so when the man in front of them was pulled away suddenly, they slumped forward not sure what was happening._y/n_ hadn’t even heard Aaron shout out, “Federal Agents,” as he and Morgan entered the alleyway.

Hotch and Derek got to the site first and both men watched for a split second at what was happening. They both needed to make sure that none of the men who had _y/n_ pinned down was armed. When they noticed the men didn’t seem armed, they sprung into action. Hotch shouted “Federal Agents,” and Morgan tore the man in front of _y/n_ off of them. Morgan swung the man to the ground and pinned his arm behind his back while his friends ran off down the alleyway, up the side of a dumpster, and over the short wall dividing one back street from another. Hotch watched for a moment torn between following the men and making sure _y/n_ was alright. It only took a microsecond for him to know that he would stay with _y/n_. Hotch ignored what the man on the ground was saying as he approached _y/n_ with palms open and out to show he wasn’t a threat. _y/n_ was slowly sliding down the wall, and Aaron noticed the back of their shirt rising behind them. Hotch caught _y/n_ before they hit the ground. He could see they were in shock. Who wouldn't be after such a situation?

As he guided them with his strong hands down to the ground, Emily rounded the corner and took in the situation. Morgan looked at Emily and said, “Can you sit on him or something? Prentiss nodded and she took his place. She painfully pinned the man’s arm behind his back to stop him from moving and Derek stood up. Aaron knew that Morgan wanted to try and find the other two men who had made a run for it. It was in Derek’s nature to take action, so when Hotch looked up at Derek, he said, "Follow those guys" It didn't take more than that for Morgan to take off running. Now Emily had the pleasure of the man below her shout out, “What the fuck are you doing. That bitch asked us to do this. They asked us. What do you guys not get about that? Like I said to the other guy I’ll show you the ad online if you just let me get my phone from my pocket. Em scoffed and replied, “Fat chance pal. Generally when someone is fighting you and you have to pin them to a wall that’s not what I call enthusiastic consent. Now if I were you, I’d shut up until the police get here.”

Hotch overheard the conversation as he gently tapped _y/n_'s face lightly to try and bring them back. Aaron didn’t have to look at Emily as calling the police and 9-1-1. His attention snapped back to _y/n_ as they started thrashing slightly, fighting his hold on their shoulder. Aaron rocked on his heels and moved his hand to _y/n_’s as their breaths came raggedly at the new contact. Hotch made sure his face was in view as he squeezed _y/n_’s hand to match his breath as he said, “_y/n_, it’s Aaron, from before. I need you to take some deep breaths for me.” _y/n_ could hear a comforting tenor voice and felt their hand get enveloped in a larger, warm one. This was not the invasive touch from before. It took _y/n_ a few minutes before their mind fully came back to their body. When it did, _y/n_ turned their head and saw a familiar face. They gave a tiny squeeze of acknowledgment back to Aaron. Their breath was still rapid, and _y/n_ struggled to speak from the stress and adrenaline coursing through them. All _y/n_ could do was just make a little sound from the back of their throat. Hotch leaned forward and ran a hand over their forehead, pushing a loose strand of hair away from their face, He knelt on the ground and said reassuringly, “You’re doing good, _y/n_. You’re safe now. Just try and breathe and relax for me. Can you do that?” _y/n_ nodded and tried to follow his instructions.

They watched and breathed along with Aaron taking a moment to look over at Emily and the man on the ground. Hotch shifted to block _y/n_’s view so they couldn’t see the man clearly. He had finally shut up, and for that, Hotch was grateful. After a few minutes, the paramedics came and evaluated _y/n_’s physical and emotional state. Hotch was annoyed that the police took five minutes after 9-1-1 to arrive. While _y/n_ was being evaluated, Aaron provided the details of what had happened. He gave a description of the other two assailants and the fact that another federal agent was pursuing them right now. The pair of cops asked him a few questions but didn’t seem that interested in his responses. Hotch shifted his weight and folded his arms over his chest. He wasn’t impressed with either of the men’s attitudes. He took a quick moment to memorize their badge numbers as they moved to Emily’s side. One hauled the grounded man up and toward their cruiser while the other interviewed Prentiss with a similar laissez-faire tone. While this happened, Hotch looked over to _y/n_. They seemed to be back to a more normal state but they had a shock blanket on and a pressure cuff on their arm. Hotch looked around to see if Morgan was back, but he wasn’t. Aaron then texted the rest of the team. He didn’t say they needed to come. The scene was busy enough as it was, he just let them know that a “situation” had unfolded and that he might call or text them if he needed something. When the rest of the team sounded off on the chat, he thanked them and clicked off his phone.

Morgan returned a few minutes later looking angry. Hotch looked up at him, and Derek shook his head no. As they began to chat about the chase that hadn’t ended up with the fit agent finding the other two men, Aaron noticed that the cops had approached _y/n_ in the back of the ambulance. Morgan noticed Hotch’s lack of attention caught Derek’s attention and he turned to look and listen to the quiet conversation happening near the street. Whatever the cops were saying was indistinguishable from the noise of the cars moving down the street, but both agents noticed how uncomfortable _y/n_ looked. They had their arms holding each other in a self-soothing gesture. They didn’t look comforted by what the men were saying either. The conversation also seemed to be too short to get any real information from _y/n_. One of the cops moved back toward the cruiser with their empty notepad out while the other approached Morgan. Aaron slipped past the officer and toward _y/n_. One of the paramedics was taking off the cuff on _y/n_’s arm and Hotch looked from _y/n_ to the man and asked, “Could you give us a few moments alone?”

The man nodded, placed the medical device back where belonged, and then moved away to give them some space. Before asking _y/n_ any serious questions, he just checked in saying, “Are you feeling alright, _y/n_? Are you in any pain?” _y/n_ met his gaze and then looked down at the pavement below them. After a moment of silence and a breath, _y/n_ replied, “The medic gave me something to numb everything a bit. The nerves and stuff. So I’m not in any physical pain at least.” Hotch clenched his jaw knowing that _y/n_ was most likely in emotional turmoil at the moment. Even though it was going to be hard, he hoped he could provide some comfort and reassurance to _y/n_ that he would make sure they were safe. But in order for him to do that, he needed the full story. He took a breath and introduced himself again, this time fully. Aaron leaned a bit closer and said, “It’s good to hear that they gave you something. Would you be willing to talk to me for a minute? I’m a federal agent, and I’d like to be able to help you if you’re willing.” He pulled out his badge and showed it to _y/n_. He didn’t flash it like he normally did at cops or other agents. He gave _y/n_ plenty of time to look at it. In _y/n_’s brain, things started making more sense about the man they’d run into often. Why he was so good with a gun? How confident he was in stressful situations, and why the other men had run away when he got there. _y/n_ seemed mesmerized by the card but snapped their eyes back to his deep brown ones.

_y/n_ realized that they were focusing on only one thing at a time in order to not have to think about what was not happening. If that was the case, it might as well be Agent Aaron Hotchner. He was comforting and certainly not hard on the eyes. _y/n_ released a breath and nodded yes. The small rapport they had built with the man in front of them made _y/n_ feel safe enough to speak with Aaron. Hotch registered their consent and he thought about how to word his first question. He knew that with victims of trauma, specific questions were better than general ones. Something like “What happened,” could send _y/n_ into a spiral or unable to answer. Aaron decided to start from the beginning and move to tonight’s events in order. He asked gently, “The last time I saw you, at the farmers market, you said that something bad had happened to you. Could you tell me what that was?” _y/n_ looked down at their hands. They felt like saying “Nothing.” _y/n_ had felt like saying nothing for the last thirty-three days, but nothing hadn’t helped them, so _y/n_ resolved to tell Aaron the truth. Raising their eyes back to his, _y/n_ saw the compassion and care in Hotch’s gaze and it gave them the strength to quietly say, “It’s kind of a long story…” Aaron nodded his head no and said, “Not to me. I’ve got all night. Take your time.” _y/n_ nodded and looked at Aaron’s hands instead of him as they said, “I was dating a guy. It was pretty on and off. It was a mistake, we didn’t have the same beliefs or interests. So when I found out he was cheating on me I broke it off. I thought he felt the same way about me as I felt about him. I thought I was doing him a favor by cutting him free.

As it turns out he was very invested in me and he got incredibly angry when I told him it was over. He threatened to hurt himself if I did this to him. I told him that wasn’t true and that he was too arrogant to go through with something like that. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that, but it was true. He’s a baby and he’s never had to do anything for himself before. As it turned out he ended up just hurting me instead.” _y/n_ looked briefly at Aaron to see if he was still listening. Again, they hadn’t been before and _y/n_ was surprised as his warm gaze was still as attentive as ever. Hotch gave a little nod for _y/n_ to continue. _y/n_ moved their gaze to the wall just to the left of his ear and continued, “So he left and everything was quiet for a week. Then one day one of my friends sent me a link saying I had to see something.” _y/n_ picked at their nail, with eyes downcast. Hotch assumed it was a tell for embarrassment for them. His core clenched for what was about to come. He could tell it wasn’t good. Already had negative feelings toward whoever this guy was. _y/n_ finally said, “I clicked the link and it took me to an adult site. My ex had leaked the nudes I’d sent him a few months back. It turned out he put them all over the net. To as many sites as he could think of. I’d been told so many times not to send nudes because of revenge porn and stuff, but I never thought it would happen to me. Not to this scale. So that was horrible and I stayed up for two days emailing the sites and I called the police and they said they’d start a report or something. I was mortified, but the next day some guy I’d never seen before came to my door and said he was there about the ad.”

Alarm bells were ringing in Aaron’s head because the three men earlier tonight had been speaking of an ad too. _y/n_ didn’t see the concern and anger on his face as they were too embarrassed to look him in the face as they said, “Of course, I didn’t know what he was talking about and said he had the wrong house. The guy got defensive and the ad said for sure this was the right address. I wanted him to leave me alone so I asked to see the ad. I was sure it was a mistake or something and maybe I could point him in the right direction. He pulled up Craigslist and showed me his phone. My… my ex had made an account pretending to be me. He’s posted an ad saying that I lived alone and had a sexual fantasy about being sexually assaulted. He’d put my picture up and my address and even times when I was normally home.”

Aaron watched as _y/n_ struggled more and more to get the words out. He his heart ached that such a violation had been done to _y/n_. He also felt like throttling the man who had done this. Who had thought of something so terrible and gone through with it? He moved a hand to _y/n_’s and gently brushed his fingertips over theirs. He wanted to offer some comfort. _y/n_ looked at their right hand and grabbed onto Aaron’s hand tightly, anchoring themself to his strength. _y/n_ swallowed thickly and said, “When the words registered I just broke down and the guy got real worried. He actually made sure I was okay. I explained it was all a mistake. Just a terrible prank from a friend. He apologized and left. When I finally got it together I emailed Craigslist and then called the support number. I got rerouted about twenty times and I gave up when I was put on hold for the seventh time. I called the cops and they said the same thing as last time. That they’d look into it; make a report. The ad stayed up and guys kept showing up. I told them all it was a mistake but some of them didn’t take it that way.”

Aaron clenched his jaw and spoke for the first time, asking, “Did anything happen? Did anyone hurt you?” His eyes scanned _y/n_ like he’d be able to see if she’d been attacked. _y/n_ found his gaze and said, “Not really. Not until tonight. Last week there was a guy that didn’t take no for no in my driveway but I was close to my car and got inside and locked it before he started running. That was when I called the cops again.” Hotch furrowed his brow. Law enforcement's response so far to _y/n_’s situation had been mediocre at best. That was demonstrated tonight as well. He cleared his throat so he didn’t sound angry at _y/n_ and asked, “And what did they do?” _y/n_ looked at him and said, “They came by and gave the guy a warning and told him not to come back. That was about it.” Aaron clenched his jaw so tight that he thought his teeth might shatter.

Aaron couldn’t help but ask in disbelief, “Why are they treating you so dismissively? Even tonight it looked like they didn’t care.” Aaron had asked the question aloud in frustration and as a hypothetical. So when _y/n_ responded his eyes snapped to theirs. This was the part that _y/n_ hated as they said, “My ex was a cop. Well, part-time cop until he quit because he didn’t like the night shift that they gave him. But he certainly loved waving a gun around and bossing people around too. His job should have been my first red flag, but I was sad and he gave me attention. I was such an idiot.” Aaron nodded his head no and said, “You weren’t an idiot, _y/n_. You were hurting and someone took advantage of that. That’s not your fault.” At hearing his words, and being believed, _y/n_ couldn’t hold in the emotions anymore and put their head in their hands and started to cry large hot tears. Hotch moved forward and protectively put his arms around them. _y/n_ moved their head to his shoulder and kept crying. Aaron placed a hand on their back and just waited. Sometimes words were unneeded and he felt like this was one of those times.

After a few minutes and when _y/n_ had stilled and the tears had gone Hotch asked softly, still holding them, “And tonight? Were those men responding to the ad?” Aaron felt _y/n_ nod into his shoulder and _y/n_ said, “Yeah. I was just taking a walk and they were at the door banging on it. By the time they saw me, it was too late. I tried to tell them the situation like everyone else but they wouldn’t have it, so I ran. I thought they’d stop once I got to a place with more people but they just kept following. Thank God you were here.” Hotch questioned very much if God had anything to do with such cruelty, but he didn’t comment. Instead, he patted _y/n_’s back before pulling back to look at them. Aaron ran a thumb under _y/n_’s eye, catching the last of the tears and brushing it on his button-down. Aaron looked at _y/n_ sincerely as he said, “I’m so sorry that happened to you. No one deserves to be treated like that.” Hotch was more than sad, he was enraged, but he didn’t show it for _y/n_’s sake. He was going to find this guy and make sure he got what he deserved for trying to ruin _y/n_’s life. For getting away with what he had.

Aaron was also going to be filing a complaint to the District Attorney, whom he had on speed dial about how law enforcement was trying to cover for a criminal who didn’t even work for them anymore. Hotch took _y/n_’s hands softly and asked, “Can you tell me the name of your ex? I want to make sure you’re safe. Not only from him but from anyone who might come and try and hurt you.” Aaron knew this was a big ask. A huge ask, but it was needed if he intended to help them. After a few moments of silence, _y/n_ looked at him. Really looked at him. If there was anyone who had shown to act so far, it had been him, almost a stranger. But that feeling of safeness returned and _y/n_ said, “His name’s _y/e/p’s/n_.” Hotch nodded and said sincerely, “Thank you. I’m going to go and make a few calls. I’ll be back in a few minutes. Do you need someone to be here with you?” _y/n_ nodded their head no and said, “I’ll be fine as long as you’re close.” _y/n_ didn’t want to sound so pathetic, but it was true. Aaron understood and replied, “I’ll be in view, I promise.” _y/n_ nodded, relieved that he didn’t seem upset at such a silly ask.

Aaron moved toward Derek and Emily who were both talking in soft tones. As Hotch passed one of the police officers he frowned and asked, “What’s the name of your Cheif of Police?” The befuddled and bored-looking LEO replied with the officer’s name like he didn’t care. Aaron let out a huff and moved past the man and toward his team members. Both Emily and Derek looked at him and registered that he was unhappy. Morgan asked, “What happened?” Hotch responded, “I’ll tell you in a moment. Prentiss, can you call Garcia and ask her to look up a name: _y/e/p’s_n_? I want everything on him.” Emily nodded and Derek looked at Hotch with probing eyes. Hotch stated, “I need to call the Attorney General, will you watch those two officers and make sure they give _y/n_ some space?” At hearing the AG being brought up Derek knew this was important and he nodded and moved closer to the ambulance blocking _y/n_ from the sight of the police car and men talking inside. Hotch quickly left a message and then checked in with Emily. Prentiss assured him that Garcia was already on it. Hotch thanked her and moved back toward _y/n_. The medic was speaking to _y/n_ as he approached.

Aaron moved forward to see what was going on. He looked at _y/n_ and they filled him in saying, “I’m good to go. They’re not taking me.” Hotch looked at _y/n_ and the paramedic who nodded that that was correct. Aaron looked back at _y/n_ and asked, “Are you going home from here? Do you need someone to take you?” _y/n_ managed a small smile at the kindness he was showing them and replied, “I’ve called one of my friends that live close by. I’m going to stay at her house tonight. Maybe I’ll go home tomorrow.” Aaron nodded in understanding and said, “Okay. I’m going to look into what’s happened. I’ll keep you updated if that’s alright?” _y/n_ nodded and said, “I’d like that. Can I give you my number or something?” Hotch nodded and said, “Yes. I’d appreciate that.”

Aaron slipped his hand into his pocket and pulled out his wallet where he kept a few business cards. He flipped one to the back and added his cell number before handing it to _y/n_ saying, “Here’s my office number and my cell. If you feel unsafe if someone tries to come to your door again you can call me and I’ll make sure someone comes and gets them away from you. And I’ll stay here with you until your friend shows up.” _y/n_ felt like they could cry again but held it together and replied, “Thank you so much. Sorry if I messed up your night, or you getting home to your son.” Aaron couldn’t help but give a small smile at _y/n_’s memory of Jack. He replied, “Jack’s at his mom’s tonight. You’re not inconveniencing me _y/n_. I want to make sure you’re safe. That’s what’s important to me. Even though it felt impossible in a case like this after everything _y/n_ had been through, they believed him and just sat in the comfort of someone who made them feel safe for the first time in a very long time. Eventually _y/n_’s friend came and _y/n_ went with them. Hotch wrapped up with the officers, paramedics, and Emily and Derek after which he headed home.

The following day he got the report from Garcia. He also asked her to find the ad on Craigslist take it off the internet and trace the IP address. He also mentioned the revenge porn and Penelope looked as horrified as he had felt when _y/n_ heard about it from _y/n_ Garcia promised to take down an images she could find of _y/n_ as soon as possible. Later that day Hotch got a call back from the Attorney General and he filled the man in on the Police situation. General Miyares promised to look into the situation. At the end of the day, Hotch texted _y/n_ that things were in progress and that the ad had been removed since noon that afternoon. He filled them in on some of the other details too. _y/n_ thanked him profusely over text which he brushed off. Aaron didn’t think too much about _y/n_ until a week later when her ex was arrested for a litany of crimes from assault and battery, to money laundering and fraud. Aaron happened to be on _y/n_’s side of town when he found out about the arrest and he felt like he should call _y/n_ to see if they had heard and if they were doing okay.

He dialed their number and after a few rings, they picked up. There was a hesitation before _y/n_ said, “Hey, Aaron. How are you?” Hotch wondered why he heard hesitation in their voice but answered honestly, “I’m alright? Are you doing okay? Have you heard the news?” After a moment, _y/n_ replied, “I just heard. My friend sent me an article about it. I’m trying to be okay. I haven’t gotten out much since I’ve last seen you.” Hotch could fully understand why _y/n_ would want to isolate. Even after the ad had been taken down, just getting out the door must be a challenge. Aaron asked gently, “Have you thought about any added security measures like you mentioned last week?” _y/n_ replied faster this time saying, “Yes. I bought a ring camera and an extra bolt for the door but haven’t had them installed. I called a guy but when he showed up I kind of freaked out. I’ve been too embarrassed to ask anyone else.” Hotch’s heart gave a little tug at how scary any man showing up at their door would be for them. Aaron had an idea and he simply said, “Listen. I don’t want to push or anything, but I’m in your area. I could come over and install those things for you if you like, _y/n_? But only if you wanted me to.” There was another silence and _y/n_ replied, “You’re not busy?” Aaron smiled and said, “No, I’m not busy.”

Twenty minutes later Hotch parked outside _y/n_’s door and he knocked on the front door. _y/n_ opened it for him and said, “Thanks for doing this. You really didn’t have to.” Aaron gave them a smile and said, “I don’t mind. If it makes you feel safer, then I’m happy to do it. Could you show me the ring camera and bolt?” Hotch was just a few feet into their door and he didn’t move forward. He didn’t want to make them feel unsafe in their space so he didn’t venture further unless asked. From what he did see it seemed cozy and warm. A place that reflected _y/n_’s personality. After a minute and some rustling, _y/n_ came back. Their arms were full of a few boxes and a drill that didn’t fully seem right in their grasp. Hotch stepped forward slightly and said, “Here, let me get that for you.” He took the bigger items from _y/n_’s arms.

Hotch looked at the door and asked, “I can put this camera up first and you could set up the app while I added the bolt. Would that be alright with you?” _y/n_ nodded and said, “Yes, that sounds good to me.” Aaron returned the smile and said, “Great. Well, I’ll get started. This shouldn’t take long to set up.” Hotch grabbed the drill and the box holding the camera and moved back outside. Twenty minutes later he was back in the cooled room. As Aaron started adding the new lock to the door, _y/n_ worked on getting the camera set up and said, “Got it!” Excitedly when they could see the outside of their home from the safety of inside. Aaron turned and said, Great. Hopefully, that will give you some extra security, as will this.” Hotch pulled back and showed the deadbolt was now in place. Aaron stood up and said, “Is there anything else I could do to make you feel better? You said you weren’t getting out much. Are you feeling okay?” _y/n_’s smile fell slightly as they said, “Would you like a coffee or something? Or a glass of water? It was pretty hot out there.” Hotch could hear the desperation in _y/n_’s voice for him to stay, for just a bit longer. Aaron nodded and said, “A coffee sounds nice. Thank you _y/n_.” _y/n_ relaxed and let their shoulders relax. They looked at Aaron and said, “Would you like to come in and sit down?” They pointed to the table near the kitchen and Hotch moved further inside and took a seat. _y/n_ moved around the kitchen brewed a fresh pot of coffee and then sat down across from Aaron. They talked about light topics until the coffee was ready and they got them both a cup.

When _y/n_ was seated again, Hotch asked the same question again: “Are you doing okay, _y/n_?” _y/n_ bit their lip and said, “You’d think I’d be. _y/e/p’s/n_ just got jailed and I have added security, but most days I can’t even leave the house. Some mornings I can’t get out of bed. I’m wondering if I’m ever going to move past this. If I can see a man outside my door and not be afraid. Sometimes I feel like my life is over.” Aaron leaned forward and said, “It’s not over, _y/n_. I know it’s hard, but you can do this. You didn’t deserve anything that happened to you, but I believe you can move on from this. I hope in time you can feel safe and that you know you have resources so when you don’t feel safe there’s someone looking out for you. I’m one of those people, _y/n_. _y/n_ felt their eye’s water again. They hadn’t told Aaron this but he was the first person they’d let into their home since that first man had come looking for sex. It didn’t feel like the new beginning they had planned, but it was a small step forward. If nothing else _y/n_ knew that Aaron Hotchner was a man out in the world fixing things rather than tearing them apart, and he cared enough to be sitting here watching them almost cry. Hotch moved a hand forward and placed it over theirs. _y/n_ closed their eyes, sure they’d say something soon. But for now, it felt good to be safe with someone. And that someone was Aaron Hotchner.

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spade-of-hearts · 1 year ago

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Memoir of a stalker (Yan Sabo x reader)

January 5th

It had been a twist of fate, he had never meant to meet the love of his life that day. The way you had bumped into him, and looked at him set his soul on fire. That was the day his obsession began with you, it was love at first sight, you two were meant to be, you were destined to be soulmates

The moment his eyes graced upon you he knew he had to have you, it was his right to claim you as his one and everything. Sure you didn’t know he existed, a part of him would be lying if he said he didn’t like that.

It became a past time of his, he couldn’t deny how much he loved to watch you go about your life completely oblivious to his love, yet you still talked to other men like he meant nothing.

The more he watched you through the blinds the closer he wanted to be to you. To touch your soft, supple skin he wanted to memorize every single inch of you, burn you into his memory, and ravish you in the streets if it meant no one would take what belonged to him, how he just wanted to bend you over and yank your hair and make you submit to

him until you were fucked stupid.

The longer he played this game of cat and mouse with you, the harder it was getting to keep himself in check. Every time you would undress in front of him of course you had no idea he was watching, he was always watching. What you didn’t know couldn’t hurt you

He couldn’t help himself once you went to work he had watched where you left your keys, surely you wouldn’t mind him in your home it would become his someday as well.

February 12th

The more he watched you, the more he fell in love with you. You were oh so kind, a breath of fresh air, innocent from corruption, pure and utterly perfect. He wanted to savour that innocence of yours, he wanted to protect you and keep you safe, it was his duty as your future husband after all.

He still remembered the first time he stepped foot inside, his heart was leaping through his throat. What if you came back early, he was almost giddy wanting to see your pretty little face. The way he ran his fingers over every inch of your house, touching everything that belonged to you made his head spin feel intoxicated almost like he was drunk just being in the very same space you touched yourself. Did you think of him while you did it? You had to, you were just too shy to say his name yet

His breath caught in his throat as he stopped in front of your dresser. With shaking brown gloved hands, he pulled out that special pair he knew you loved to wear. You must have gotten it just for his eyes only. His breath hitched as he pulled out that delicate underwear staring at it with a flushed red face before his shaking hands brought it up to his face.

He couldn't help but to gulp as he lowered his face into it as he inhaled a sharp breath. He could feel his blue eyes roll back in his eyes as he let out shuddering gasps of air as your sweet scents filled his nose, making his legs feel weak and tremble, stepping back his legs hitting the very edge of the mattress causing him to fall down onto the plush bed with wide eyes.

He could feel his heart thumping against his chest as he moved his other hand down his body rubbing over his own crotch feeling how hard he was already as he shut his eyes pressing the fabric deeper to his face as he shoved his pants down with his own boxers. His cock standing to attention.

He let out a low groan as his mouth opened he needed to taste you like he needed the air to breathe. His tongue flicked, licking a stripe against the middle of the fabric, as his hand wrapped around his cock moving it up and down. Shutting his eyes picturing it was your pretty little lips wrapped around him. But this wasn't close enough for him, his own thoughts weren't giving him enough relief. A light bulb went off in his twisted brain, what better way to be close to you than to wear your underwear.

He slipped the coated underwear, dripping with his saliva onto his own frame making him shudder it was tight but it was wet enough to feel like how he thought it would when he finally would fuck you for the first time. He shut his eyes as he lay on the soft bed moving his hand gripping himself whispering your name as he moved his hand up and down, pleasure fueling his brain.

His mouth hung open as he could feel the drool falling in front of the corner of his mouth. He bucked his hips up into his own hand as he used the thumb to rub over the tip, smearing his precum as his cock pulsed in his own hands. He liked to think he could last a few rounds, but he was so pent up from months of watching you finger fuck yourself . “y-y/n” he whined out sharply as his cum shot out, soaking the fabric and running down his legs. His blonde hair sticking to his face with his eyes facing the ceiling, like god himself was smiling down at what he had just done.

Of course, he could have just left but no he couldn't help himself but to move his own drenched fingers into the delicate underwear. Scooping up some onto his hand bringing it up his lips before his tongue darted around, sucking on the slick groaning loudly. He could feel the blood rushing to his head would you like how he tasted just as much as he liked it himself.

He let one last shuddering groan as he looked at the underwear he was wearing before his lips curled up as he picked up his dark boxers from the floor, it was only right he was taking one of yours it was the least he could do. He smiled as he laid it across your cute sheets you would be so grateful for a piece of him.

June 26th

Waiting for you was getting much more difficult, he was patient yes he knew he had to be in order to make his move. It was a game of chess, he wanted to secure the final piece but nonetheless his heart was aching, weeping almost being apart from you so long was killing him on the inside. You had to know he loved you deep down even though you acted like he didn't exist, you were testing his love for you, that must be it. He needed to prove it to you, and prove it to you he would no matter what he had to do.

Ever since that day in your apartment where he swore he went to heaven, watching you from a distance was no longer quelling his thoughts. He wanted you to notice him, see him…and love him, but despite how he felt you kept talking to other men like some whore. But he couldn't be angry you were just so cute, it was natural for men to be drawn to you. But they could never love you as he loved you.

Six months…it’s been six months since the first time he ever saw you. Always watching from a distance, but today would be different, it was your sixth month anniversary. This was a day he needed to celebrate with you. His breath was tight in his throat as he turned the doorknob, you were much too trusting you didn't even lock your front door. He really needed to have a talk with you about that in the future, but today was all about you.

His footsteps were quiet as he walked through your apartment he cracked open the bedroom door. His smile widening seeing your curled up body entangled in the sheets, the very same sheets he had laid on. He peered down over you leaning down and kissing your temple “Happy anniversary” he whispered to himself.

He reached into his bag pulling out serval wrapped gifts and setting them on the bed, you would be so happy when you woke up and saw them. he pushed a couple of your strands of hair away from your face, “Soon y/n…soon.” He cooed as he spared you one last look as he walked out of their home.

June 26th

The way your eyes widened when you woke up filled him with undescribable joy, you were so surprised, you were speechless. The way your fingers trembled as you looked at the gifts. He could hardly keep his body still and out of sight as you started to open the gifts he got you. He had outdone himself. Especially how flustered you were getting open them, you must have found the lingerie set, he got blue with lace to match him.

He was almost impatient he wanted you to open his real gifts, the teddy bears, and chocolates were simple and overdone. He got something much more special for you that you would love.

His breath hitched seeing how your delicate fingers unwrapped the blue box staring at the gift eyebrows furrowed, going deathly pale as they screamed dropping the gift, a bloody ear laying on the ground from the box with a letter stapled to it

Sabo was giddy, they were so moved they were crying they LOVED the gift he got them, just like he knew they would! , he had enough of one of those stupid men talking to you. You must have hated it too, what better gift than that pig’s ear. You were even trembling you were just so excited as their hands moved to the rest of the box seeing the lock of hair he left. But his final gift had them falling onto their knees in tears.

As they pulled out the one favorite pairs of underwear they thought they lost, covered in cum stains and sticky with fresh cum dropping it into the box scooting back as far back as possible, as tears streamed down their face. Before they jumped up and ran out of the apartment. Sabo felt his heartache, why were they running away he spent so much time getting those gifts? Why weren't they touching them, they had tossed it to the side…were they more fussy with gifts than he thought?.

August 8

Something had changed after the anniversary his poor sweet y/n was always looking over their shoulder, they seemed scared of something. He needed to find out who was scaring them and put an end to their life. The poor dear was so stressed they even moved to another apartment on the other side of town, and got locks on their doors, and even bought a gun. He needed to find out who was behind this and put an end to their life. No one had a right to scare his soulmate like this, he would bring them their dead body that would put them at ease, it had to! He would crush their skull in his hands for the pain they put poor y/n through.

It broke sabo’s heart seeing you so timid and locked away in your apartment when you were always so bright and bubbly and friendly to everyone you knew. You didn't even leave a key out for him or a letter where you were moving. It had to be some kind of mistake, you weren't trying to avoid him on purpose that was utterly absurd, insane even. You loved him just as much as he loved you, you were just so shy that’s all.

He knew just the thing to cheer you up, you needed a piece of him to get through the day, you didn't like the last gifts he gave you but this one he knew you would love the most, he had poured his own blood into it quite..literally, it was personal you would love that.

When you left for work that day he snuck into your new apartment like he had a million times while you were asleep, blissfully unaware of his presence. He almost wanted you to wake up so badly sometimes and then he could touch you, kiss you, run his hands all over your body until you were a puddle under his fingers. It would be wrong of him to touch you if you were asleep. He was nothing if not gentlemen he told himself, believing it whole heartily.

He sucked in a breath the way your scent lingered in the apartment always made a mess of him. He reached into his pocket placing the silver chain with the two vials attached to them laying it on the center of the bed. He smiled softly, they had to love this gift it was a part of him! He would leave a note this time so his sweet little y/n would know exactly what it was, they would be so moved when they saw the vials. Wearing them so proudly they had to.

He laid the note in front of it feeling that same flicker of excitement he had on their anniversary, he could hardly quell himself but he needed to leave and wait for them to come home he could even feel himself getting hard at the thought of them carrying that around for the world to know they belonged to HIM and no one else. All his, his sweet innocent y/n.

He waited hours for them to get home, staying close to the window his leg trembling in anticipation. He could feel his heart racing a thousand miles per hour as his sweet y/n opened the door. Their face drained of all color as they approached the bed with trembling legs. Only to look around in sheer terror as they dropped it on the bed and backed out of the apartment, running to get the police.

Sabo liked to think he was a forgiving man but..why couldn't y/n see how much they were breaking his heart. He spend so much collecting the perfect amount of his cum and his very own blood to put into that necklace just for them, it was personal so they should have loved it! So why!. He liked to think he was patient, he knew you were just confused by his love, it was strong the way it was supposed to be. but yet he couldn't help but be overwhelmed by anger.

He couldn't believe they had the nerve to run to the cops after his heartwarming gift for them. Not that they did anything of course, as if he was stupid enough to leave his DNA for them to take. He could feel his very being burn in anger when the angel of his life throw his gift in the trash after how hard he worked on it, his heart was shattering into million of pieces right then, and they're not a care in the world.

September 13th

How dare they, how fucking dare his sweet, y/n play this cruel game with him. He hadn't done anything wrong to be treated this way like he was NOTHING to them. He gave them everything and yet they had still tossed his gifts in the trash without a single care in the world. His blood was boiling, the rage was overflowing, and he was seeing red, not even his sweet y/n could get away with treating him like a fool. If they wouldn't notice him he would simply have no choice but to force them to see him.

He couldn't contain his rage when he stepped into the apartment that once brought him a sense of curiosity and awe, only now filled him with dread and fury. He raised his rusty pipe and swung it smashing all of the windows in your room, throwing your bed against the wall, smashing holes in the wall. His eyes were hard in pure rage as his chest heaved up and down at the mess. You were going to see him regardless of what you wanted, his shoes clicking across the floor. As he stopped at the wall pulling out a can of spray paint leaving behind big, bold , black letters

“do you see me now y/n!”

Ripping the door off the hinges as he walked out of the apartment, leaving a wake of disarray in his wake

January 1st

After his unfortunate fit of anger, his sweet y/n started taking different paths to get to work and home, and triple checked the apartment as if they were being followed, but there was no one but him watching them. It was almost a year since he ever laid his eyes upon them. It was a new year, and their first year together soon, yet nothing had changed still. He even gave them months of space. But obviously, y/n didn't know how to handle this kind of a relationship he was patient but this wasn't going to work, it was time to make them commit to their love. Commit they would, they would never leave his side again.

January 5th

Today was the day, the day he would get his y/n to finally admit how much they loved him and needed him. It was their anniversary the words filled him with endless joy it wasn't going to be an easy but most good things in life never came free much less easy. He always did like a challenge his y/n proved to be the perfect example of that. It was their first anniversary, a reminder of a whole year together, a year of ups and downs but oh how he wouldn't change that for the world if it meant he got to call himself your boyfriend maybe soon fiancee would be a better word.

He knew you would be working late again, you were working so many doubles and picking up extra shifts they didn't deserve you, but this was perfect. It gave him the chance to make everything breathtaking for you. He could hardly wait to see your face when you stepped inside your home seeing the pages of your journal talking about him taped to your front door, you had acted like you hated him but you talked about him, you loved him just as much as he loved you, you two were truly meant to be.

Next, he made your favorite dish he had even had to break into your mother's home he wasn't fond of it to steal the recipe but it had proved a good investment in the very end, all that was missing was you.

His eyes gleamed as he tapped his gloved fingers on the dinner table as he heard those footsteps and that shaky gasp as the door creaked open. Ah even your voice was wavering as you turned on the lights to reveal… Him. The man who had been oh so blindly chasing your love for the past year. About time you got home, I was worried the food wa going get cold you know” he said his voice smooth as silk as he stood up towering over y/n much smaller frame

He clicked his tongue as they went to scream leaving him no choice but to cover their mouth as he slammed them against the wall, his lips brushing their ear.

“If your going scream, I’ll give you something to scream about,” he purred as he pressed his body against theirs pushing his knee between their legs, really he had wanted to make this a bit more special. But if they were going scream then what choice did he have other than to correct that behavior. He couldn't help but lean down and smash his own lips against theirs as they were using their arms to hit the blonde man in the chest. Really they were never a match to start with as the blonde pinned their smaller arms over their head.

He grunted as he pulled away with blood running down his lip, “you bit me!“ He said as his lips curled up into a twisted smile, as his eyes moved up and down seeing how their chest was heaving up and down, how their legs trembled. They needed him just as much as he needed them.

He could practically feel his cock pressing against his pants he needed to make this feel mind-blowing for them. He moved a hand down running it down their chin down to the center of their shirt as a loud sound of fabric tearing filled the quiet apartment as their breasts bounced free.

Y/n turned their head to the side letting out cries of please don’t, As the blonde man moved his fingers down clutching at their chest enjoying how they felt in his hand, they were oh so perfect as always. He leaned down taking that cute little rosy nipple into his mouth squishing his tongue around it, his blue eyes half-lidded never breaking eye contact from them.

He moved his hand down to their underwear rubbing circles through the fabric as he felt how damp the fabric only to yank it to the side exposing their dripping clit. He pressed his rugged, yet smooth fingers against their gentle jewel only to push two of his fingers inside pumping them in and out. Listening to the loud squelching noises you were making as he used his thumb to rub messy circles smearing their juices everywhere as high pitched sounds left his little cocksleve

He started to pump his fingers in and out hitting every single nerve. as he was knuckle deep in their sweet cunt as he started to curl his fingers up as he was slamming them in and out of them. The way their thighs kept quivering around his fingers as they were sobbing as he used his hand that was supposed to be holding theirs back even if they fought back what could they really do. He gripped their hip shoving them onto his fingers as he pulled away from their nipple leaving it cold and puffy as drool dripped down onto the floor.

Sabo twisted smile only grew even wider and more sicker as he could feel just how tight it was getting to slam his thick fingers inside of them. The tension was becoming tighter and tighter, He hadn't even done much,...Well yet and here they were already about to explode, “ Go on, don't be shy.” He cooed into their ear as they weakly glared at him. He moved his thumb pressing down on the top of their clit making their eyes bug out nearly out of their skull as that little band snapped violently as they cummed all over his gloved fingers and some ran down their thighs.

He pulled his hand away to exiame the soiled gloves he leaned down using his teeth to peel his soiled gloves off before throwing them to the floor as he stared down at them his cock throbbing painfully, to hell with taking his time .

He moved his fingers to his belt yanking it off and started to unzip his pants when he was knocked flat on his ass which honestly made the room spin for a momen. As he looked over only to see his y/n running toward the door screaming for help . He jumped up running after them yanking y/n by their hair pinning them to the floor.

He wrapped his hand around their neck putting pressure on the area cutting off their air, “I suggest you stop screaming otherwise i might just break your neck, just be good.” He said his blonde brow twitching at how they were kicking and thrashing under him pushing against him. He reached down yanking their soaked underwear off before he shoved it right into their mouth, as he grabbed His belt tying their hands together as they continued to kick for dear life at him with hot tears running down their face.

He grabbed their knees with his strong hands bending them back to the point they were next to their head making him smile at the scene in front of him , they were presented like the final meal for him to feast upon.

He pushed his pants and boxers down exposing his thick cock leaking with pre cum as he rubbed himself agaisnt their quivering core. As they shook their head frantically letting out muffled cries and screams behind the gag “shhh shhh,.” he whispered as he impaled y/n. Not giving them any chance to adjust to his rather large size. He let out a shaky breath as he got all the way to the hilt. His eyes nearly rolling back in his head as he shuddered in pure ecstasy.

He buried his face in their neck as he pulled out only to slam back into their heat. They felt like heaven, the way they were gripping his cock for dear life, as he was picking up the pace. His hips hitting against theirs, skin slapping against skin, it was addicting. Just how he always pictured it as he started to pick up the pace letting out small grunts. He couldn't hold back any longer he needed to have them right now he was going fill them to the brim until they were a quivering mess under him.

His lips curled up as he let out little grunts and pants filling the room as he started ram into them without any remorse or care as his brows furrowed. He was on a mission it was like with every single thrust he was searching for something, that special little spot that would make their toes curl up and have them singing their prayers to whatever god that was listening out there.

When y/n let out a loud muffled gasp with wide eyes their thighs trembling in the psychopath’s grip, his smile only widened “aha found it” he thought as he ruthlessly started to attack that one spot, over and over again. “What a good whore, your taking my cock so well” he sneered at them as he moved a hand fisting a chunk of their hair in his rough hand.

He hadn't thought his little y/n was so kinky but the way they clenched around his cock whenever he would choke the life out of them or pull their hair so hard he swore he accidentally ripped some of their hair out. He could feel himself starting to reach his limit but he wasnt done with them by any means yet no far from it accidentally he was going to Ruin them.

He let out a sharp gasp as he felt himself cum deep inside of them, filling them up as promised as it rolled down their thighs. Only for him to pick some up with his fingers and smear it across their breasts making them look like a goddess.

“You know y/n you look so good in white, but your going look even better swollen with my seed” he whispered as he grabbed the back of their neck pushing them onto their stomach. Ass up arms behind their back, with their face pressed to the floor y/n choked behind the gag.

He leaned down placing a kiss on the middle of their spine before he pushed his cock into their back entrance without warning making yn let out a blood curdling scream as their fingers gripped the binding. He grabbed their hips as he started to jackrabbit into them sweat running down his face as his blonde locks covered his eyes as he whispered sweet nothings into their ear sending them to a new cloud, a new piece of paradise, one they never would have ever gotten from anyone but HIM .

Time was blurring together with how fast and rough he was driving his manhood into them as he could see y/n whole body was convulsing underneath him from the force of his thrusts. Any moment now they would come undone, “come on cum for me,” he purrred into their ear as y/n eyes were rolled back in their head. Drool coming out of the side of their mouth getting onto the floor leaving a puddle.

He jolted as he felt them clench him almost painfully so as he gave one more thrust as he felt that familiar feeling as they came hard all over his shaft, he followed right after, pulling out splattering his cum all over their back, getting it in their hair. As they laid on the ground convulsing from their orgasm.

He smiled as he moved closer to their bruised and broken body, his breath hitting their neck “ you did so good y/n , were finally one , this is the start of our lives together “ he said pushing their gag down “you, 'll learn to love me,” he said/

January 6th

How could this have happened y/n had been so careful, they had moved the moment they felt something was wrong. But it hadn't been enough, why couldn't they see this coming, they never even saw his psychopath coming a mile away. After what he did on what he claimed was their anniversary, but it was more like the day their freedom had been ripped away from them. He had moved them into his own apartment far away from the town they knew, the police wouldn't help them …he had paid them off.

No one was coming to save them, they were stuck in the clutches of this mad man, trapped in physical and invisible chains praying upon a miracle.

#sabo the revolutionary #sabo x reader #yandere #smut one piece #terrible #one piece #x reader #cringecore

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sroloc--elbisivni · 1 year ago

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Bunnyguard master post

July 1, 2023: in the spirit of shameless self-promotion here's a collective post for the Usagi Yojimbo/Rottmnt fusion Leosagi fic series I've been working on this year. somewhat celebratory because 1. I'm very excited to have hit the halfway mark on this project 2. my birthday is later this month and I can do a little treat for myself if I want 3. it's my first day off in ages and I can spend my time luxuriantly and frivolously. Prompts taken from Year of the OTP; titles from Richard Siken "Litany in which certain things are crossed out."

Post last updated December 22, 2023

Bunnyguard verse premise in three bullet points:

The cast of Usagi Yojimbo are embedded in the Hidden City

Draxum helped raised the turtles

Usagi gets hired as a bodyguard for Leo a month after the Krang invasion

January - "missionfic" - something other than the desperation Usagi does his best to not embarrass himself while Leo tries to do the same and fails. (the hero shifts from one foot to the other)

February - "mermaid au" - no one will ever want to sleep with you A first meeting sparks a series of increasingly dumb and desperate decisions. (the repeated image of the lover destroyed)

March - "mutual pining" - your heart, and it is painted shut We skip ahead in the timeline to the point where Usagi has decided he's going to just quietly pine forever and Leo stops for five seconds of self-examination and immediately starts planning his wedding. (the same big and little words, all spelling out desire)

April - "No, I'm not dating your brother" - There is something underneath the floorboards After a series of shenanigans, (some of) Usagi's misconceptions are corrected and Leo eventually gets a full night's sleep. (bruised and ruined, you poor sad thing)

May - "accidental pet/child acquisition" - Quit milling around the yard and come inside Usagi uses his day off to be with his family, including his son, and Leo takes a turn being the babysitter instead of the babysat. (Inside your head you hear a phone ringing.)

June - "you're not what I expected" - These terms from the lower depths After being chased by a demon, Leo and Usagi end up in the bones of both of their pasts, one after the other. (I have told you where I'm coming from, so put it together.)

July - "enemies to lovers" - recently we have had our difficulties Leo screws up, Usagi gets hurt, and they have to work together to fix it. (the moment of epiphany, in gold light)

August - "au of your choice" (free space) - close enough to see the blue rings Usagi fights a dragon and Leo has a bunch of minor problems happen all at once. (But it doesn't work, these erasures, this constant refolding of the pleats)

September - "hurt/comfort" - Are you there, sweetheart? Do you know me? An unexpected attack forces everyone involved to reexamine their circumstances. (Love always wakes the dragon and suddenly flames everywhere)

October - "identity shenanigans" - I guess I can tell you that now. Our heroes go on a date to a mob warehouse and find out things that were not exactly secrets but definitely unknown. (I walk through your dreams and invent the future)

November - "be careful what you wish for" - You want a better story. Who wouldn't? A confrontation, a choice, a number of things undone. (It should mean laughter, not poison.)

December - "forgiveness" - so maybe I wanted to give you something Our heroes reckon with their actions, and choose to try again. (I want more seats reserved for heroes. Dear Forgiveness, I saved a plate for you.)

#bunnyguard #here we go :3 #turtles #usagi yojimbo #leosagi #fic talk #updated through september

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bubblesandgutz · 8 months ago

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Every Record I Own - Day 812: Willie Nelson Stardust

My father-in-law passed away on February 23rd after a long battle with Parkinson’s and various other ailments. Over the last six years, my husband and I made frequent trips down to central Oregon to check in on my in-laws and help out around the house. During some visits, it seemed possible that his dad would be around for another decade or more. And on other visits, we wondered if he would be around more than a few months. Things took a rough turn around Thanksgiving of last year and his health declined considerably. My husband spent most of January in Oregon while I’ve spent 2024 fulfilling tour obligations with three different bands and making trips down to visit them during any available downtime.

My father-in-law was a great guy. He grew up in the Bay Area and was around for all the excitement of the late ‘60s and early ‘70s. He was buddies with Pigpen from the Grateful Dead and attempted to go to the Altamont Free Concert but was stuck in the traffic jam when news traveled down the road about all the chaos and violence incited by the Hells Angels. He loved ZZ Top and Creedence Clearwater Revival and Tina Turner. But more than anything, he loved Willie Nelson.

Stardust, in particular, got a lot of spins around their house when I’d come to visit. In some ways, it’s odd that this was their Willie album of choice. After all, the ten songs on Stardust are all covers of old pop standards. Columbia Records was even hesitant to release it considering that Willie was riding strong on his outlaw country reputation at the time. But the album became a huge hit—a quintuple platinum album and a favorite among both fans and critics.

I won’t lie, I prefer Willie’s own songs, but the slow, sparse, and relaxed vibe of Stardust grew on me. I also appreciated how he chose songs with less conventional melodies (“Blue Skies,” “All of Me,” etc) and how his minimalist slow-hand style seemed perfectly suited to those compositions. The stretches of empty space, the chord changes that feel a little counterintuitive at first but then settle nicely into the larger song, the playful but rough-hewn quality to the vocals—it all has a hazy, late night, intoxicating vibe. I don’t even remember when I picked up my personal copy but it’s been a part of my collection for at least two decades.

Over the years, I heard less and less music at my in-law’s house. Television became the more constant companion, perhaps because the sound of people talking filled the conversational void stemming from the reclusive nature of my father-in-law’s disease. But when they began doing hospice at home back in January, they switched back to music. In his last days, we kept the stereo on throughout the day, switching between various CDs from their collection. I was occasionally tasked with picking out music, and I grappled with finding something that was familiar and comforting without running the risk of forever being tainted by the circumstances. Stardust was a family favorite but I never put it on for fear that it would render it off-limits once his father passed.

The hospice nurse called us on a Tuesday in February to say my father-in-law was near the end. He wasn’t eating or drinking and his breathing was labored. My husband and I drove all night hoping to make it to central Oregon in time to say goodbye. He was nearly unresponsive by that point, though he would squeeze your hand if you talked to him. Despite his condition, he managed to to hang in there for another week-and-a-half. In that time, I had to return to Seattle for rehearsals, then had to fly out to the East Coast for a weekend of shows, then flew back to Oregon, then had to fly back to Seattle to check in on a friend that was mentally struggling after being involved in a motor vehicle fatality involving an inebriated man that had been running across a busy highway.

The call came in the afternoon. My father-in-law passed peacefully. My husband and his mother had been listening to Stardust at the time, and he took his last breath during “September Song.”

The struggle was over. It had been a long decline and by the end it was hard to recognize the warm, witty, and vibrant man I first met nearly 26 years ago in the withered and incapacitated person we’d been tending to for the last few months. I was grateful to know my father-in-law for so many years, to have a stockpile of memories of him before things got so difficult. And in the weeks since he’s passed I’ve listened to Stardust a few times. The wistful nature of the album has an added element of sadness, but the memories of listening to it in happy moments outweigh its more recent association. If anything, “September Song” feels like an even more bittersweet reminder to savor the moment and hold your loved one’s close, because seasons change and all things must pass.

Oh, it's a long long while

From May to December

But the days grow short

When you reach September

When the autumn weather

Turns leaves to flame

One hasn't got time

For the waiting game

Oh, the days dwindle down

To a precious few

September, November

And these few precious days

I'll spend with you

These precious days

I'll spend with you

#everyrecordiown #willie nelson

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xtruss · 9 months ago

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‘Like Going To The Moon’: The World’s Most Terrifying Ocean Crossing

— Julia Buckley, CNN | Monday February 5, 2024

The Drake Passage is feared by travelers and sailors alike. Gerald Corsi/iStockphoto/Getty Images

It’s the body of water that instils fear and inspires sailors in equal measure. Six hundred miles of open sea, and some of the roughest conditions on the planet – with an equally inhospitable land of snow and ice awaiting you at the end of it.

“The most dreaded bit of ocean on the globe – and rightly so,” Alfred Lansing wrote of explorer Ernest Shackleton’s 1916 voyage across it in a small lifeboat. It is, of course, the Drake Passage, connecting the southern tip of the South American continent with the northernmost point of the Antarctic Peninsula.

Once the preserve of explorers and sea dogs, the Drake is today a daunting challenge for an ever-increasing number of travelers to Antarctica – and not just because it takes up to 48 hours to cross it. For many, being able to boast of surviving the “Drake shake” is part of the attraction of going to the “white continent.”

But what causes those “Shakes,” which can see waves topping nearly 50 feet battering the ships? And how do sailors navigate the planet’s wildest waters?

For oceanographers, it turns out, the Drake is a fascinating place because of what’s going on under the surface of those thrashing waters. And for ship captains, it’s a challenge that needs to be approached with a healthy dose of fear.

The World’s Strongest Storms

The Drake Passage can see waves of up to 49 feet. Mike Hill/Stone RF/Getty Images

At around 600 miles wide and up to 6,000 meters (nearly four miles) deep, the Drake is objectively a vast body of water. To us, that is. To the planet as a whole, less so.

The Antarctic Peninsula, where tourists visit, isn’t even Antarctica proper. It’s a thinning peninsula, rotating northwards from the vast continent of Antarctica, and reaching towards the southern tip of South America – the two pointing towards each other, a bit like a tectonic version of Michelangelo’s “Creation of Adam” in the Sistine Chapel.

That creates a pinch point effect, with the water being squeezed between the two land masses – the ocean is surging through the gap between the continents.

“It’s the only place in the world where those winds can push all around the globe without hitting land – and land tends to dampen storms,” says oceanographer Alexander Brearley, head of open oceans at the British Antarctic Survey.

Winds tend to blow west to east, he says – and the latitudes of 40 to 60 are notorious for strong winds. Hence their nicknames of the “roaring forties,” “furious fifties” and “screaming sixties” (Antarctica officially starts at 60 degrees).

But winds are slowed by landmass – which is why Atlantic storms tend to smash into Ireland and the UK (as they did, causing havoc, with Storm Isha in January buffeting planes to entirely different countries) and then weaken as they continue east to the European continent.

With no land to slow them down at the Drake’s latitude anywhere on the planet, winds can hurtle around the globe, gathering pace – and smashing into ships.

“In the middle of the Drake Passage the winds may have blown over thousands of kilometers to where you are,” says Brearley. “Kinetic energy is converted from wind into waves, and builds up storm waves.” Those can reach up to 15 meters, or 49 feet, he says. Although before you get too alarmed, know that the mean wave height on the Drake is rather less – four to five meters, or 13-16 feet. That’s still double what you’ll find in the Atlantic, by way of comparison.

And it’s not just the winds making the waters rough – the Drake is basically one big surge of water.

“The Southern Ocean is very stormy in general [but] in the Drake you’re really squeezing [the water] between the Antarctic and the southern hemisphere,” he adds. “That intensifies the storms as they come through.” He calls it a “funneling effect.”

Then there’s the speed at which the water is thrashing through. The Drake is part of the most voluminous ocean current in the world, with up to 5,300 million cubic feet flowing per second. Squeezed into the narrow passage, the current increases, traveling west to east. Brearley says that at surface level, that current is less perceptible – just a couple of knots – so you won’t really sense it onboard. “But it does mean you’ll travel a bit more slowly,” he says.

For oceanographers, he says, the Drake is “a fascinating place.”

It’s home to what he calls “underwater mountains” below the surface – and the enormous current squeezing through the (relatively) narrow passage causes waves to break against them underwater. These “internal waves,” as he calls them, create vortices which bring colder water from the depths of the ocean higher up – important for the planet’s climate.

“It’s not just turbulent at the surface, though obviously that’s what you feel the most – but it’s actually turbulent all the way through the water column,” says Brearley, who regularly crosses the Drake on a research ship. Does he get scared? “I don’t think I’ve ever been really fearful, but it can be very unpleasant in terms of how rough it is,” he says candidly.

Fear Breeds Fear

In 2010, tourist ship Clelia II declared an emergency after suffering engine failure in the Drake. Fiona Stewart, Garett McIntosh/AP

One other key thing that makes the Drake so scary: our fear of the Drake itself.

Brearley points out that until the Panama Canal opened in 1914, ships going from Europe to the west coast of the Americas had to dip round Cape Horn – the southern tip of South America – and then trundle up the Pacific coast.

“Let’s say you were shipping goods from western Europe to California. You either had to offload them in New York and do the journey across the US, or you had to go all the way around,” he says. It wasn’t just large cargo ships, either; passenger ships made the same route.

There’s even a monument at the tip of Cape Horn, in memorial of the more than 10,000 sailors who are believed to have died traveling through.

“The routes between the south of South Africa and Australia, or Australia or New Zealand to Antarctica, don’t really lie on any major shipping routes,” says Brearley. “The reason it’s been so feared over the centuries is because the Drake is where ships really have to go. Other parts [of the Southern Ocean] can be avoided.”

‘We Don’t Gamble’

Captain Stanislas Devorsine regularly crosses the Drake. Sue Flood/Ponant Photo Ambassador

Navigating the Drake is an extremely complex task that demands humility and a side of fear, says Captain Stanislas Devorsine, one of three captains of Le Commandant Charcot, a polar vessel of adventure cruise company Ponant.

“You have to have a healthy fear,” he says of the Drake. “It’s something that keeps you focused, alert, sensitive to the ship and the weather. You need to be aware that it can be dangerous – that it’s never routine.”

Devorsine made his Drake debut as a captain over 20 years ago, sailing an icebreaker full of scientists over to Antarctica for a research stint.

“We had very, very rough seas – more than 20 meter [66 feet] swells,” he says. “It was very windy, very rough.” Not that Ponant’s clients face anything like that. Devorsine is quick to point out that the comfort levels for a research ship – and the conditions it will sail in – are very different from those for a cruise.

“We are extremely cautious – the ocean is stronger than us,” he says. “We’re not able to go in terrible weather. We go in rough seas but always with a big safety margin. We’re not gambling.”

Even with that extra safety margin, though, he admits that crossing the Drake can be a hairy experience. “It can be very rough and very dangerous, so we take special care,” he says.

“We have to choose the best time to cross the Drake. We have to adapt our course – sometimes we don’t head in our final direction, we alter the course to have a better angle with the waves. We might slow down to leave a low pressure path ahead, or speed up to pass one before it arrives.”

The ‘Drake Shake’ and Broken Plates

Captains check the weather up to six times a day before departure to ensure a safe crossing. Jamie Lafferty

Of course, every time you get on a ship – whether it’s a simple ferry ride or a fancy cruise – the crew will already have meticulously planned the journey, checking everything from the weather to the tides and currents. But planning for a crossing of the Drake is on a whole new level.

Weather forecasting has improved in the two decades since Devorsine’s first ride, he says – and these days crew start planning the voyage while passengers are making their way to South America from all over the globe.

Sometimes they leave late; sometimes they head back early, to beat bad weather. Devorsine – who makes the return journey about six to eight times per year – estimates that the unusually calm “Drake lake” effect happens once in every 10 crossings, with particularly rough conditions (that “Drake shake”) once or twice in every 10 journeys.

Of course, he knows what’s in store long before the passengers reach the ship.

“We look ahead to have the best option to cross. Normally I look at the weather 10 days or a week before, just to have an idea of what it could be,” he says.

“Then I check the forecast once per day, then two or three days before departure I start looking at it twice per day. If it’s going to be a challenging passage you look every six hours. If you have to adjust your departure time, then you look at it very closely to be very accurate.”

His safety margin means that he’s calculating a route that will get you across not just alive, but also as comfortably as possible. Hearing an anecdote about broken crockery and furniture on another operator, he sighs, “That’s a bit too far for me.”

“Before you have any issue with a storm, you have to keep a comfortable ship,” he says. The safety margin is to be sure that the guests will enjoy being in Antarctica, and that we won’t turn around because we have a problem… like injured people.”

In extreme conditions, he orders extra weather advice from Ponant HQ, but if you’re imagining the staff on the bridge desperately radioing for advice as waves batter the ship, think again.

“It would never happen to be in the middle of the Drake with bad conditions, needing assistance from headquarters because it would mean we didn’t have any safety margin before departure. When we cross and it’s going to be challenging, we have a big safety margin and the ship is not at all in danger.”

They are in contact with headquarters with high level satellite antennae throughout the crossing, with both satellite and radio backup if needed – Devorsine says he can’t imagine ever losing contact, whatever the weather.

Antarctica cruise: The last frontier for a big at-last luxury adventure

A Dangerous Thrill

Aurora Expeditions' Greg Mortimer ship has a patented bow to make a Drake crossing more stable. Tyson Mayr/Aurora Expeditions

Devorsine, who now spends 90% of his time sailing in polar waters, feels at home on the Drake. “When I was a little child, I read books about the maritime adventures of sailors and polar heroes,” he says. “I was attracted by tough things – I like challenges. This is why I followed the path to be able to sail in these areas.”

His first experience of the area was doing a “race around the world” in a sailboat as a youngster, heading south from his native France and rounding Cape Horn.

“It was my dream because it’s difficult, dangerous and challenging,” he says.

He’s not the only one. Some guests are drawn to Antarctica trips because of the tough journey. “I guess [they] are attracted by these areas [of the Southern Ocean] because it’s wild, it can be rough, and it’s a unique experience to go there,” he says.

Not everone’s a thrill-seeker though. As managing director of Mundy Adventures, an adventure travel agency, Edwina Lonsdale is dealing with a clientele already used to discomfort – yet she says crossing the Drake is a “conversation topic” during booking.

“it’s something we would raise to make sure people are completely aware of what they’re buying,” she says. “[Going to Antarctica] is a huge investment – you need to talk through every aspect and make sure nothing’s an absolute no.”

Lonsdale advises that passengers nervous of feeling sick should choose their ship carefully. In the past, vessels heading to Antarctica tended to be uncomfortable metal boxes built to take a heavy beating. But in recent years, companies have introduced more technically advanced vessels: like Le Commandant Charcot, which was the world’s first passenger vessel with a Polar Class 2 hull – meaning it can go deeper and further into the ice in polar regions – when it debuted in 2021.

Two of Aurora Expeditions’ ships, the Greg Mortimer and Sylvia Earle, use a patented inverted bow, designed to slide gently through the waves, reducing impact and vibration and improving stability, rather than “punching” through the water as a regular bow shape does, which makes the bow rock up and down.

Lonsdale says that the fancier the vessel and the offerings onboard, the more distractions you’ll have if bad weather hits. Newer boats often have more spacious rooms and bigger windows so that you can watch the horizon, which helps to lessen seasickness. If the budget allows, she says, book a suite – you won’t just get more space, you’ll (likely) have floor-to-ceiling windows, too.

But a word of advice – she recommends a careful selection not just of the right operator for you, but of the ship itself.

“Just because a company has a fleet with a very modern ship doesn’t mean the whole fleet will be like that,” she says.

‘Act Before You Start Spewing’

At Cape Horn there's a monument marking the 10,000 sailors thought to have died navigating the Drake. DreamPictures/Photodisc/Getty Images

So you’ve conquered your fears, booked your ticket and you’re about to set sail. Bad news: the captain is predicting the Drake shake. What to do?

Hopefully you’ve come prepared. Most ships have ginger candies on offer during bad weather, but bring your own, as well as any anti-seasickness medication you want to take. Some passengers swear by acupressure “seeds”: tiny spikes, attached to your ears with a sticking plaster, designed to stimulate acupuncture points. Some ships offer acupuncture onboard; alternatively you can get it done beforehand, since the seeds last for some time.

Devorsine’s top tips are to keep your eyes on the horizon, hold onto the handrail when walking around, be careful around doors, and “don’t jump out of bed.”

Jamie Lafferty, a photographer who leads excursions on Antarctic cruises, says that of his 30-odd crossings, “I’ve had one where it felt like I was going to fall out of bed and that was the second time, way back in 2010 when there was a lot more guesswork involved. Crossing the Drake Passage is much, much more benign than it used to be thanks to the accuracy of modern forecasting models and stabilizers on more modern cruise ships. This doesn’t mean it’ll be smooth, but it’s vastly less chaotic and unpredictable than it used to be.”

His top tip? “Take seasickness medication before heading out into open sea – once you start spewing, tablets aren’t going to be any use.”

Warren Cairns, senior researcher at the Institute of Polar Sciences of the National Research Council of Italy, has a bit of extra help.

“The only thing that works for me is going to the ship’s medic for a scopolamine patch,” he says. “It’s so rough, normal seasickness pills are just to get me to the infirmary.” Although he has it worse than the average tourist – on trips to Antarctica, their research ships have to pause for hours to take samples. “The waves come from all sorts of directions as the thrusters keep it in place,” he says. “When you’re underway it’s a much more regular motion.”

Lonsdale says it’s important not to fight it if you feel ill: “Just go to bed.” But equally, she says, don’t expect it: “It may be calm. You may not feel ill.”

People suffer differently from seasickness she says. “The Pacific has very long, slow swells, Channel crossings [between the UK and France] have quite a bouncy experience. Lots of people say crossing the Drake in very rough weather is uneven enough to not make them ill at all.” On that plate-smashing crossing, for example, this reporter – who was watching 40-foot waves from the observation deck – never got sick.

Remember that however it feels, you’re safe. “There’s an extraordinary level of safety in the build of those ships doing this,” says Lonsdale. Add in the safety margins that the likes of Devorsine build in, and you’re in uncomfortable, but not dangerous, territory.

And if all else fails, remember why you’re there.

“The motivation and excitement to discover those latitudes is very important to fight the seasickness,” says Devorsine. Lonsdale agrees.

“If you were going to the moon, you’d expect the journey to be uncomfortable but it’d be worth it,” she says. “You just have to think, ‘This is what I need to get from one world to another.’”

#World 🌎#Ocean 🌊 World 🌎#Terrifying Ocean 🌊#World’s Strongest Storms ☔️ ☔️ ☔️#Drake Passage #Ernest Shackleton #Antarctica 🇦🇶#The Antarctic 🇦🇶 Peninsula #Oceanographer Alexander Brearley | British 🇬🇧 Antarctic Survey.#Fear #Drake Shake | Broken Plates #Dangerous Thrill #Cape Horn #Actions | Alertness‼️ 🚨 🔔#Warren Cairns #Institute of Polar Sciences of the National Research Council | Italy 🇮🇹#Julia Buckley | CNN

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foxes-that-run · 1 year ago

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Coney Island

To Zane Lowe (at 36mins) Taylor talked about Coney Island being about male regret and place everyone wanted to be but now with the lights are off. In this Lyric video Taylor referenced Harry's winding wheels, a metaphor for soulmates. It is co-written with William Bowery, Joe has no credit.

Winding Wheel

The Winding Wheel is a Ryan Adams’ song. (Ryan made a rock cover album of 1989). There is a post about it here. Ryan described it as a metaphor for an “ultimate soulmate”.

13 December 2013, Harry posted 'better still be my winding wheel' on Taylor's birthday. Say don't go was written 2 weeks later.

27 February 2015, the first photos of Taylor with Calvin were posted and Harry posted an overgrown winding wheel to IG

11 January 2018, Taylor put a Ferris Wheel in the open of End Game

11 December 2020, this Lyric Video has a ferris wheel

This is very long, this song hits so many classic Haylor themes that its dense. When it is all written out like this it boggles my mind people would think it is about another muse or several.

Taylor also said on radio about Coney Island:

"Aaron Dessner sent me this track that he created with his brother Bryce, and I wrote the lyrics and the melody with William Bowery. I was coming from a place of somebody who’s been in a relationship for decades and wakes up one day & realizes that they have taken their partner for granted. It speaks to people who are trying to communicate - but they’re two ships passing in the night. They’re trying to love each other but their signals are somehow missing each other.”

She also said ships in the nights about Exile in that interview and in the lyrics of Willow.

Live performances

Coney Island has been played live once, 28 April 2023 in Atlanta. This is one day before the High Infidelity anniversary of April 29. The other song was The Other Side of the Door which has similar theme of wanting a lover back and regret for ruining a relationship.

Lyrics

[Verse 1: Taylor Swift] Break my soul in two looking for you But you're right here If I can't relate to you anymore Then who am I related to?

The opening verse does not pull punches, it ends with 'if I can't relate to who then who am I related to?' Taylor and Harry have a lot of shared history, similar careers and while no one is as big as Taylor Harry is in a small group who can relate. They have respectively sung about being each others soulmate. To loose that is devastating.

Breaking her soul looking is similar to:

Don't blame me "For you, I would cross the line / fall from grace"

Illicit affairs "And you know damn well / For you I would ruin myself / …a million little times"

Slut! "And if they call me a slut / You know it might be worth it for once"

And if this is the long haul How'd we get here so soon? Did I close my fist around something delicate? Did I shatter you?

This again refers to this concept that even apart they are each others person, so to feel they aren’t connecting is a loss

Closing her fist around something Delicate is a reference to the song, which is also about Harry, more on why here. Shattering him is a reference to Falling, to be so lonely. and possibly renegade. Shattered pieces are also in mirrorball.

[Chorus: Taylor Swift] And I'm sitting on a bench in Coney Island Wondering, where did my baby go? The fast times, the bright lights, the merry go Sorry for not making you my centerfold

The fast times, bright lights describe their life, the place to be:

I Know Places: "Lights flash and we’ll run for the fences"

Wonderland: "Flashing lights and we took a wrong turn and we fell down a rabbit hole"

New Romantics: "We’re all here, the lights and noise are blinding"

Is it Over Now: "And did you think I didn't see you? / There were flashin' lights"

Merry-go round, and lost again with no surprises, disappointments refers to the cyclical nature of their relationship.

Blank Space: "But you’ll come back each time you leave"

Style: "And when we go crashing down we come back every time"

Cardigan: "And I knew you’d come back to"me"

OOTW "We were built to fall apart / Then fall back together (back together)"

Sorry for not making me your centerfold breaks my heart, meaning sorry you were not her end game when she thought he would stay with Joe. Lets take Labyrinth as a nice sequel.

Over and over Lost again with no surprises Disappointments, close your eyes And it gets colder and colder When the sun goes down

Maroon "How the hell did we lose sight of us again? Sobbin' with your head in your hands Ain't that the way shit always ends?" The chorus ends sadly, with it getting colder and colder the longer it goes on like that.

Taylor has referred to watching sunsets with Harry, usually in happy, wistful times, but here it is sad, the sun is setting on them. Sunsets are also in:

Out Of The Woods: When you started crying, baby, I did, too, but when the sun came up I was looking at you

Wildest Dreams: "Say you’ll remember me standing in a nice dress, staring at the sunset, babe"

It’s Nice To Have A Friend: Light pink sky up on the roof, sun sinks down, no curfew

Harry and Taylor also posted Sunset photos in Cannes a year apart, which Taylor referenced in the promotion for Cruel Summer, Slut!'s music video also had a similar sky.

[Verse 2: Matt Berninger with Taylor Swift] The question pounds my head What's a lifetime of achievement If I pushed you to the edge But you were too polite to leave me?

The lifetime achievement having no meaning without this muse reflects a theme that Harry and Taylor have sung about the cost of fame in Mirrorball, your on your own kid and Sign of the Times. In Suburban Legends Taylor sings "I didn't come here to make friends We were born to be suburban legends" which to me plays into the idea that they put their careers first and the relationship suffered.

Suburban Legends "I broke my own heart 'cause you were too polite to do it"

And do you miss the rogue Who coaxed you into paradise and left you there? Will you forgive my soul When you're too wise to trust me and too old to care?

Taylor describes Harry as a rogue is a troublemaker Harry has been in IKYWT, "you were trouble", 22 "you look like bad news" Style "James Dean daydream" and Ready for it? "Knew he was a killer first time that I saw him". Harry has also described himself this way in Trouble "You know i’m trouble / I’m trouble with you"

He coaxed her into paradise and left her there in the Virgin Isles in Now that we don't talk and famously the boat.

[Chorus: Taylor Swift with Matt Berninger] 'Cause we were like the mall before the internet It was the one place to be The mischief, the gift-wrapped suburban dreams Sorry for not winning you an arcade ring

Taylor talks about the line of the mall before the internet because it was the one place to be to Zane Lowe, linked above. I love this line, they were the one place to be, the two biggest pop stars in love. I also find a parallel in this line and August, "And say, "Meet me behind the mall" August being the other person, not Harry and Taylor, they meet behind the mall which Harry and Taylor are.

Gift-wrapped suburban dreams refers to Suburban Legends, where Harry and Taylor are the idols of suburbia. "We were born to be suburban legends [...] We were born to be national treasures/ When you told me we'd get back together"

Similar to the centerfold line, not winning you an arcade ring is saying sorry for not getting back together as they had thought. Falling is Harry's perspective on this belief that Taylor would stay with someone else. This time I will choose SOTB as my sequel track. ;)

[Bridge: Taylor Swift, Matt Berninger, Both] Were you waiting at our old spot In the tree line by the gold clock Did I leave you hanging every single day? Were you standing in the hallway With a big cake, happy birthday

In the unreleased Hunger Harry indicates they may have broken up on his birthday "We could ruin a perfect night / On my birthday I made you cry". This may have been in 2015, they had been seen together in late 2014, up to 2 weeks before Harry's birthday. Then Taylor was in Nashville on his birthday and she met CH 3 weeks later.

Hallways are also in 10 songs, generally meeting in them, but here they break up. Taylor also mentioned the birthday line to Zane Lowe as the album came out just before her birthday.

Did I paint your bluest skies the darkest grey? A universe away And when I got into the accident The sight that flashed before me was your face But when I walked up to the podium I think that I forgot to say your name

The accident is a reference to the Snow mobile accident in Is it over now? and OOTW: "Remember when you hit the brakes too soon / Twenty stitches in a hospital room / When you started crying, baby, I did too / But when the sun came up, I was looking at you"

To me, I forgot to say your name at the podium is a reference to Taylors 2013 VMA speech where she said "I'd like to say the person who inspired this song, you know exactly who you are, and now I have one of these!" Harry and Taylor were both musicians, the inspired each other and as evidenced by still writing to each other 10 years later this speech diminished that.

Harry’s unreleased Talk and includes “You forgot my name / Sick and tired of me, I can feel the heat” which, no one forgets his name so I take it as referring to the podium.

#haylor #evermore #coney island #song analysis #Lyric analysis #Winding Wheel #Taylor Swift

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lawful-evil-novelist · 5 months ago

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Jon’s Romantic Relationships During the Scarecrow Years, Complete with Why They Ended

So, as I work on my timeline and settle on details, this rather spur of the moment idea came to me. Jonathan was active as Scarecrow from 2011-2014, then again from 2016-2018. For the sake of consistency, I will also include his romantic relationships from 2014-2016 just to make it clear that he wasn’t single during that period.

Another thing I want to note, just for the sake of clarity, is that Jonathan Crane is not exactly one of those people that gets into healthy relationships. The reasons these relationships are toxic are not one sole person’s fault. Some of them are abusive, some of them are just unhealthy. Jonathan is also just not a particularly good person, and at his worst moments he can be one of the worst people in the Rogues Gallery to date. So if you read here something Jonathan or another rogue has done and think that makes them a bad person: that is the point. The Rogues are not good people, they’re not supposed to be, and their relationships are going to be messy and unhealthy.

Harley Quinn (2005-February 2012): Two reasons for this. First, Jonathan had gone off his meds for a year without telling Harley, who found out around the same time she found out he was the Scarecrow and Jonathan, kind of in a haze of adrenaline, threatened her not to tell anyone. Not even a month later, Harley startes a relationship with Joker and hid it from Jonathan until she was caught committing a crime and arrested. Jonathan and Harley got into a very heated argument in the visitor’s area two days later in which Harley outed Jonathan being off his meds and tried using that to justify cheating on him. Jonathan promptly ended things and left. They did not talk for over a year afterwards.

Killer Croc (September 2012-January 2013): As will become a running theme, Jonathan broke up with and ghosted Waylon while dealing with Hugo Strange and did not tell Waylon what was going on. Waylon found out through a mutual friend.

Two-Face (February 2013-September 2013): Another two reason situation. Firstly, this was about when Jonathan’s issues with addiction were hitting an all time high and he definitely cheated on Harvey several times during the relationship, several times specifically to make Harvey jealous. Secondly, Harvey’s mental health was at an all time low, and he was prone to very violent outbursts that turned into routine abuse. Harvey ended things at the suggestion of his therapist at the time, both for the sake of his mental health and Jonathan’s safety.

Riddler (September 2013-November 2013): Edward realized he was a rebound and broke things off, suggesting Jonathan maybe work on himself for a bit.

Joker (December 2013-February 2014): Jonathan didn’t do that, then realized Edward was right and maybe he shouldn’t be dating an abusive piece of shit who is still dating his ex. He had to break his phone and leave the state to get Joker to leave him alone.

Harley Quinn (April 2014-November 2014): Remember how lying and infidelity were the reasons these two broke up the first time? Yeah they kept doing it the second time and it only ended because their respective green-toned bestie chucked their phones into Gotham Harbor and dragged them out of state. They broke up via bestie communication and Ivy had to drag Harley out of state a second time when she tried to key Edward’s car.

Riddler (November 2014-January 2015): Jonathan, once again, ghosted his significant other while dealing with Hugo Strange, only this time he didn’t tell Edward they were breaking up. Edward found out when someone told him Jonathan was in Europe. He had been worried about Jonathan for weeks. Yeah, they broke up.

Constantine (June 2015-January 2016): Jonathan had to return to Georgia to help his then 14-year-old sister, Adriane, deal with palliative care for their grandmother, as their mother had lost custody of Adriane 6 years prior. Further, after their grandmother’s death, Jonathan had to handle custody of Adriane—which he could not take over at the time, the will and estate, his mother being an absolute nightmare by trying to impose a conservatorship on him and retake custody of Adriane, and grieving the only parent he ever had a stable relationship with…and the whole time Constantine was completely unreachable and proceeded to pretend he didn’t know Jonathan when they crossed paths again. Jonathan didn’t just end things, he threatened to kill Constantine if he ever saw him again.

Riddler (January 2017-): At current the last relationship of Jonathan’s Scarecrow years. I don’t have an end date at the moment because I’m not actually sure they end things after they leave their old monikers behind.

#jonathan crane #headcanons #shipping crap #cw abuse mention #cw toxic relationship #lawfulverse

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delta-pavonis · 8 months ago

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Last 10 Fics/Writing Patterns meme + Last First Line Tag Game

First the writing patterns meme, which is such a cool idea! I was tagged by @teejaystumbles! Thank yoooou.

Rules: Post the first lines of your last ten fics posted to AO3 (Sort by date posted), AND see if there's a pattern!

By last updated date:

3 March 2024: Quaternion

KLOT DOD-DOT The knock of the twisted iron ring against its plate on the outside of his library door startles King Morpheus from his reverie. He is supposed to be notating one of the histories of the Moirai, the so-called Three Sisters of Fate, who have ruled the island nation of Ananke with brutal efficiency since seemingly time immemorial. Their ships have been seen too often in view of his coastline of late and he needs to be prepared for whatever their intentions are.

15 February 2024: you might be the answer to the sinner in me

“Hob, are you alright?” Hob’s shoulders tighten and his spine goes ramrod straight. It is the family holiday dinner and he is out on the back patio in the cold, staring at the over-manicured hedgerows that make up one of the distant property lines. He left to have space to pull out his vape pen and take a hit because that is probably the only way that he is going to get through the night.

16 January 2024: Placebo Effect

“You should just DM him,” Desire is studying their nails, the dark red of dried blood, while reclining on a chaise in the living room of their oldest sister’s condo. “My kingdom for anything that might throw Dearest Mumsie and Popsicle off your trail for an evening. I don’t think I can endure another holiday of it.” They sprawl, letting their head loll backwards over the armrest, to look at Dream almost upside down. “What say you big brother?”

6 January 2024: show me who I am

Hob taps his fingers on the table next to the map of Northern Ireland and takes a sip from his glass of shiraz. “I think this is it. This is the plan. We’ve got it. Anyone see something we missed?” He looks around the table at each person in turn, waiting for a response.

1 January 2024: Another Song

Shunk ka-thunkszzzz. The lights in the entire loft go out. “What the FUCK?” Matthew’s voice smacks into Dream despite the thick panels of wood between them.

30 December 2023: Thoughts on the Roman Empire (and Other Pickup Lines)

“You know, I think this whole meme going around about men thinking about the Roman Empire is great!” Hob smiles at the ceiling as he leans back in his chair, balancing it on its back legs, propping his feet up on the table in the private library study room. He doesn't need to look at Morpheus to know that the grad student is giving him a withering glare, or perhaps not looking at him at all. “First off, people are discussing history! Second, some of the jokes are actually solid gold. Like I saw one that just murdered me in broad daylight. Wanna hear it?”

21 December 2023: Levade

“Oh fuck Dream,” Hob writhes in his bonds. “You said you wanted more did you not?” The centaur smirks. “I am simply acquiescing to your request.”

15 December 2023: You create me against your lips

The first time Hob sees Dream is when the latter has the audacity to enter the Morningstar's realm. He watches as the Dream King intimidates Squatterbloat into bringing him to the Palace. The demon is stupid and gullible, easily swayed, and Hob has a mind to bury his morningstar in the moron's fleshy head, but he would rather observe the visitor and his raven from the shadows.

9 December 2023: where I'm supposed to be

For all that he shares a given name with the God of Sleep, has a nickname of Dream, he has only experienced lucid dreaming rarely. Once, maybe twice, before. But. He knows he is dreaming right now.

26 November 2023: Venus conjunct Saturn

“Show me, Hob.” Dream purrs in a way he knows will make his lover shiver. “Show me how she pleasured you.” He is laid beneath Hob, who is on all fours above him, and the only cloth they have is the sheets upon their bed here in the Dreaming.

Other than 30% of those fics having titles from Maneskin lyrics... apparently I like to start with sounds or dialog. Some in medias res beginnings in there, too. Huh. Fascinating.

And, just for fun, here are the FIRST few lines paragraphs of the finished fic I have on deck, a sequel to A Change in Tactics (published in October 2022!)... (originally I was tagged in a last lines tag game by @amielot!)

“We have to stop meeting like this!” Hob laughed as he broke the barstool in his hands over the head and shoulders of another patron of the White Horse Inn. Said patron had just previously been trying to stab Hob with a shard of wine bottle so he most decidedly deserved it. Hob pulled a chunk of wood from where it had lodged in his palm and frowned at the blood that welled up there. A crash to his left stole his attention. “Ope. Watch out Lou!” Lou ducked the tankard aimed at her head with all the sliding fluid grace of one well-acquainted with being deep in her cups. She didn’t spill a single drop of her own ale as she backed around the bar and out of the Inn through the alleyway door. Lou may have been part of starting this fight, but she clearly had no intention of finishing it. Which was just fine by Hob. Lou didn’t deserve to be in hospital any more than absolutely necessary. She had enough going on, as Hob had just learned. Speaking of his mysterious friend… Hob flung his sweaty hair out of his eyes in time to watch Dream elegantly sidestep the brawler charging him like they were a pair in some courtly dance. The beautiful bastard hadn’t even moved his hands from where they were clasped at the small of his back, while his opponent had gone headlong into a wooden pillar. “This only happens when I join you here, Hob.” One loping step over the fallen man and Dream was back at Hob’s side. (Graceful twat.) “This type of violence is notably absent when you visit my Realm.” (Double the twat on that one.)

I tag... everyone who has a springtime birthday.

#Dreamling #learn about Pavonis #Pavonis writes #writing meme #tag game

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oxygenbefore1775 · 4 months ago

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There will be no second (and final) part to the Down The Chasm fic I've published for ReiJeanWeek2024 — Below would be the unfinished snippet of the second chapter for anyone interested

Additionally, I want to offer some sort of explanation for this. Not because I feel like I own one, but because I want to make my reasonings for not wishing to conclude it exhaustively clear. If you're not interested, you can just skip over the purple text to the text of the chapter itself

cw: death mention

I was not in the best place when I started to write this fic, and these circumstances played a part in establishing the premise/plot that was not very healthy for me to think about for the prolonged periods of time. The main theme of the fic was meant to be centred around the loss of control, with fear of forfeiting the agency of one's body being a prime example of it. And as the luck would have it, I picked to elaborate on the very same concept that was haunting me at the time. During the latter part of January and the whole of February, I felt like I wasn't in control of my own life myself. There were plenty of reasons for me to think that, I won't get into specifics, but they must have been intense enough to manifest themselves into the worst form inside my mind. I fell into the month-long anxious episode where the only thing I kept thinking about was death. They say that the fear of death is most likely the purest form of fear of losing control over your actions since once you're dead there's not much you can do, so I guess that tracked for me. The thought of my death kept me up at night and caused a couple of panic attacks. I assumed that writing about my experience in the fic would help me to process my state (like a diary or something), but in actuality, it only worsened it since I kept making myself recall my darkest thoughts and hold them there for a very long time. That's why I don't want to write a continuation for the fic. Because every time I try to add to it, now that I'm relatively ok, it makes me think about possibly the worst part of my life mental-health-wise, and I'd rather not subject myself to it. The premise and the writing of the fic were... fine, I wish I could revisit it some time. But right now, the memories tied to the fic are far too visceral (even jotting this paragraph proved to be quite a challenge), so I will leave it be until the better time should it ever come.

****

The sky is red in his dreams. Still it bleeds crimson rivers of fire. Still it is cloaked in dark clouds of black ash. The tainted, never-changing red.

The same dream, the same darkness enveloped and beckoned into its depths, only to consume him the moment he closed his eyes.

If only it were a mere dream, an unpleasant vision that could be left behind within the confines of sleep. But its talons were closing in on him even as he lay there, awake, painfully aware that it was not some dreadful nightmare but his memories.

They would have to rob him of his mind first for the tolling of tocsin in his head to cease.

He drew in a sharp breath and abruptly sat upright in his bed once it became too much to bear. It all felt too real — pitch black, the scorching heat, the sensation of the body that doesn’t belong to him — perhaps, because it was indeed so. How easy it was to find the retreat during the day, lost in tasks, any task requiring some level of mental function. The nights provided no such solace. He couldn’t help but to think, alone.

In the stillness of the room he could discern the faint sound of breathing — so unlike his own, ragged and strained. Armin, Connie, Reiner, all asleep in their beds. It seemed the past haunted only him. His ribs still throbbed mercilessly where his body hit ground and his skin bloomed with bruises, the pain robbing Jean of any chance to fall back into the slumber. If only the dreams didn’t make it any more unlikely for him.

The moon bathed his form in its light, for the first time in so many months. A pitiful reprieve before the promise of the sunrise and the new day yet Jean yearned for it nonetheless. He wouldn’t find any sleep today, like all the days before this. The red skies would be there.

Jean intended to flee before it could overtake him again, as it had on all the nights before this. This time, however, he had a refuge.

The starless waste greeted him as Jean walked into the field, a burst of white robes amidst the black soil. The moon, brighter than any memory he held, and its glow bleached the sky into the wash of… Blue. Just blue. No clouds to dull its color, no sun to poison it. No warmth in the desolate landscape — none that Jean sought, anyway, casting his gaze back at the settlement he’d just left, quiet and dark and serene.

In the open field, the wind showed no mercy, sweeping through his body and draining it of the last grains of warmth. But Jean didn’t mind, he welcomed the cold. He longed to shiver, to wrap himself in the cradle of his arms from something other than the memories in his head refusing to die. The darkness, the heat, the feeling of inhabiting a foreign body — all of those for the wind to take, to get lost in its freezing current. Yet another thing, something else remained of this day.

A voice in the distance failed to bring him out of his thoughts. Was it calling out to him? What for? Jean couldn’t tell; all the words — if there were any words indeed — drowned all the same in the snapping and cracking sound of the plates from that day, the one only the chitin shell of a crushed beetle would make.

The warm touch grazed his shoulder yet even that Jean barely acknowledged. Standing, rooted to one spot, he spectated his mind race, no longer master of his own thoughts.

“

The taste of ash in his mouth. Was it the smoke in the air? No. It was the flesh.

“Each night, I devour you.”

****

i am thankful to everyone who were interested in my fic and took their time to read it, I really appreciate it

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baocean · 2 years ago

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BREAK UP IN THE END - RAFE CAMERON

Part 4 of the country song playlist. This song, right after I broke up with my boyfriend, hit so different

Summary: who was Rafe to say no to you, even if it always ended in breaking up

Warnings: fighting?? swearing, Rafe being…Rafe

Pairing Rafe x reader

February 2023

Rafe would go through hell and back for you. It was his best and worst trait. He would do it over and over again, if he had to.

July 2021

You met him at a party on figure eight. He was a little bit drunk when he first showed up. His first words to you were ‘What are you drinking’ then ‘What’s your name’.

When he lays in his bed at night, alone, he thinks that he still would have kissed you at that party, when the crowd was dying down, even if he know you would break up in the end. You were standing on the balcony of the house, talking about everything and anything.

He was sweet and held you when you felt like your legs were going to collapse.

Even though Rafe had been doing coke off the kitchen counter a few hours ago, he was surprisingly gentle. He kissed you in a way that you didn’t expect.

August 2021

Rafe would have still introduced you to his dad and step mom, if it meant he got to see you nervous and all giggly when his dad called you gorgeous.

When you left for the bathroom before dinner, he would still turn to his parents and tell them that he thought he loved you.

Rose gave Ward a concerned look, then looked back at Rafe, before nodding. Sort of saying that she thought his love wasn’t real.

Rafe didn’t care.

He would still give you a grand tour around his childhood house and let you snoop in his bedroom.

He watched your from his bed, letting you touch all his colognes and the nick nacks on his dresser.

When you walked over to him with that certain look in your eye he knew well, his heart did a flip flop.

He would still let you crawl over to him, kiss him lightly, and messily unbutton his shirt.

He would still tell his parents you had an emergency so he could drive you back to his apartment, since you told him you refused to have sex with him in his parents house.

He’d still take those disappointed looks from his dad and step mom for you, even if you broke up in the end.

December 2021

“She’s moving in with me.” He told his dad.

Ward Cameron shook his head, another disapproving look from his father, something Rafe was familiar with.

“Is that really the smartest choice right now, Rafe?” Ward asked his son.

Maybe Ward was right, maybe if you hadn’t moved in together, things would have happened differently.

I mean, you had already technically broken up once already, over something small and not meaningful, but you had still fought and you had still called it quits.

Ward knew about the break up and maybe he thought he really was doing the right thing by asking Rafe.

Rafe didn’t care, probably even less than he did the first time you and his parents met.

He didn’t care that you guys were moving fast. You really did need a place to stay since your lease was up and Rafe was so generous to offer his apartment as a place to stay.

Ward gave him a look that made Rafe feel sad, like his parents knew something he didn’t. Then, it made his angry, that his parents acted like they knew something Rafe didn’t about his own relationship.

“I don’t care, Dad. I love her.” Rafe shot his father a foul look, then picked up his keys and left his childhood house.

January 2023

“Rafe, you can’t act like this anymore!” You yelled at him.

“Stop trying to fucking control me! You don’t know shit about what’s going on. Let’s keep it that way.” He called back at you.

It was true, he had kept you in the dark completely from whole pogue vs. Rafe Cameron thing. You heard he had found millions of dollars worth of gold and now was looking for something like a cross, you lost in. Confronting him ended up not being the best option.

“You won’t tell me anything! I want to know, I want to help you.” You cried, desperately pleading for your boyfriend to trust you.

“I do not want your fucking help. You can’t help with this. I don’t want you involved.” His voice lowered, pinching his eyebrows together.

“Then we’re done.” You threw your hands up in defeat. You waited for some sort of reaction from him, all you got was a blank, absent stare.

He just stood there, letting almost two years fly right out the window.

Scoffing, you went to your shared bedroom and packed some clothes, ready to head anywhere but there.

February 2023

Rafe was sure you were the definition of the one that got away.

The girl who was meant for him and who he was meant for, just not in this lifetime.

He swore to hell and back he would go back in time and get you back if he could.

Rafe knew you were his best and worst mistake. One thing he knew for certain is that he would make that mistake over and over.

His best mistake was walking up to that pretty girl at that kook party one night in July and asking what her name was. Rafe had been obsessed with you since you first smiled at him.

His worst mistake was letting you walk out that door, the one he was staring at now.

The door that, on the other side, someone was knocking on.

He popped up from the couch and peaked through the peephole.

When he opened the door, you gave him the same smile from the first night.

“Hey, Rafe.” You whispered as he let you in.

He knew you were lonely, it was a Saturday night in the Outer Banks. You were too old to be going to a boneyard party but too young to be heading to the bar.

But he can’t not let you in. He can’t just shut the door on your pretty face, watching you smile up at him. He can’t say no to you.

He can’t not let you in, even though you’ll break up in the end.

…..

#Spotify #rafe x you #outerbanks rafe #obx fanfiction #obx imagine #obx season 3 #outer banks #outer banks imagine #rafe cameron #rafe angst #rafe outer banks #rafe fanfiction #rafe x reader #rafe x y/n #rafe fic #rafe smut

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fitgothgirl · 4 months ago

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I've been scheduling more sporadically with my therapist since she changed practices and the new place doesn't take my insurance - I'd been seeing her since February 2023 so a few months ago when this happened she offered to keep seeing me on the side wherever she could fit me in, and was having me Venmo her just whatever my copay was ($40). I haven't seen her in over two months now and a couple weeks ago we had scheduled for 7/17, but the time came and went and she didn't text me the zoom link. I'm thinking I just slipped off the radar since I'm not *official* haha. My feelings would be hurt a small amount (and only that much because I know she doesn't mean anything by it and she seems to actually enjoy our time together - don't think she'd see me on the side if not lol), but I was meaning to get more prepared for the appointment and hadn't done so yet, so it kind of worked out for the best. We have better sessions when I'm ready like that (not surprising of course). So I'm going to organize some thoughts here!...

Things are not bad but not good. I'm in an odd happy-sad place lately. On the one hand, everyday, multiple times a day, I'm so overwhelmed with gratitude for how my life is right now. I have to remind myself that nothing is permanent because I do so badly wish things could be like this forever. I love my partner, I love our home, I love our families, I love our amazing circle of super supportive friends, I love our cat, I love the lake house, I love the weather of the Bay Area, I love the stuff to do/cool places in the Bay & California, I love the relative wealth of human rights in my country, I love my health and my mundane physical abilities, etc... I don't have kids and I work from home for a unstressful job and so I have an amazing work-life-balance; literally everyday I get to be like "hmmm what do I wanna to do today?" I've also witnessed very little death & illness in terms of important people in my life. I'm so privileged in so many ways and I'm constantly cognizant of all these things and overflowing with gratitude and reveling in the moment as much as I can.

On the other hand... I just feel like since Costa Rica in late January/early February, I've been faltering in all the progress I've made over the last 2 years. I haven't been able to get my weed smoking back under control. It's been a while since I've been able to make more fitness progress despite trying a few times to reset (I will give it up for myself that working out is just part of my identity now and I still go to the gym, which is a huge win overall, but I'm struggling to do the minimum maintain right now). I'm back to spending way too much money (outside of the tattoo that was saved for) and putting things on my credit card that's creeping towards its limit. I haven't been able to get myself to keep up with my bujo anymore (which has its own repercussions) despite trying to go back to super simple/basic spreads of just black ink and no designs. Reading has stopped again. I feel like my executive function has deteriorated. I'm eating too much and feeling less in control in that area. I'm also drinking too much and it's becoming problematic; I don't get drunk all the time, but having at least a couple drinks each night is becoming a difficult thing to talk myself out of once evening hits. And I do get drunk sometimes - maybe twice a week. Not like I'm hammered, but nonetheless. Alcohol is quite a different beast from weed so I'm uneasy and need to deal with it.

There was a big build up to Costa Rica because it was a deadline I was being held to, where if I was unsuccessful in tapering down my smoking, I was going to be extremely uncomfortable both physically and mentally for the entirely of the trip (a trip of a lifetime no less); the alternative being not going on the trip, which would be ridiculous to do over weed lol. Withdrawal fucking sucks for me since I'm such a heavy user so I knew it was crucial to cut back. And around this time I was also at the peak of my consistency with the gym/fitness progress - not only because it felt great but knowing that getting as fit as (healthfully) possible by CR would only help me during travel and the activities there, as well as helping my confidence while in swimsuits & in many pictures. But in retrospect, tapering down my weed was a bigger mental boost than I really realized, and was helping out every area of my life in indirect ways. Even before starting to incorporate weedless days, when I was just relegating daily smoking to nighttime, I was in a much stronger place mentally. It's not like I didn't know it was going to be beneficial to cut back, but it was so gradual I didn't really fully grasp the progress until looking at things in hindsight.

But then after the big build up to CR and coming home, things fell apart in the decompression... I didn't have that assured, impending deadline where I'd be suffering if I failed my goal (I feel like the positive punishment aspect was a big factor). Without that fire under my ass, I just haven't been able to stay consistent with sticking to a schedule and using my kSafe to lock up my weed. And I feel like knowing I need to restart the tapering process (i.e. locking it up for just 2 hours a day for a couple weeks and then progressing to 4 hours, 8 hours, etc., as well eliminating smoking in the AM), is actually a bit of a detriment, because it's easy to think it's not a big deal to miss a day since it's "just 2 hours" and I can even inadvertently do that just by being busy. And knowing I had done so much more in the past makes just a couple hours seem so trivial. But the main point of starting off like that was to just get in the habit of using the kSafe in the first place, and to turn up the hours like boiling a frog. I know I can't just jump to "no smoking until 9pm" or something, even though at first I felt like I could just since I had the confidence from it doing before, but my therapist says trying to cut to that is not a good idea (which I did try to do unbeknownst to her but she was proven right lol).

So yeah I'm basically blaming the multiple aspects of this rut/depression on the excessive smoking its ripple effects... Not a surprise though lol. Local Girl Realizes Being Huge Stoner Not Healthy.... (I'd known this long ago lol just joshin)

I miss me. Before, my progress was me getting to physical and mental states I had never been at before. Now that I know what I'm capable of, there's a me to "get back to." In a way it's comforting to know from experience that I can successfully work on myself and I can just follow my own example again. But in another way it makes me sad any backtracking was done. I actually kinda thought I had passed some threshold of mental progress or something (silly in hindsight ig), and am so frustrated with how easily things fell apart just by removing the CR deadline; it made me feel really weak. But my therapist would tell me to not focus on mistakes or setbacks and to not feel guilty, so I'm trying to keep that in mind as I write this. I know I'm looking through the rose-colored glasses of memory too; I know I had struggles in November/basically when DST ended and through the winter until CR, plus other little setbacks. And the fact that I was indeed successful in cutting back smoking enough to not feel like shit on the trip is something to be proud of.

"This thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down" (Mary Pickford)

(Again another good quote that I learned from Parks and Rec lol)

#long post 🙃#you're a trooper if you read all that #mine #personal fitblr

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onenettvchannel · 4 months ago

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LATE-BREAKING THIS MORNING: Southern Californian animated YouTube star and VTuber nominee 'JaidenAnimations' wins U$D1M in MrBeast's Online Game Show Challenge in North Carolina [#TeleRadyoSerbisyoEXCLUSIVE]

(Written by Miko Kubota and Rhayniel Saldasal Calimpong / K5 Tele-Serbisyo Patrol #4 reporter of OneNETnews & Station Manager and President of ONC, and Freelance News Writer, Online Media Reporter and News Presenter of OneNETnews)

GREENVILLE, NORTH CAROLINA -- Southern Californian 2D-animated YouTuber named 'Ms. Jaiden Kiyomi Dittfach' wins the 'MrBeast' YouTube Challenge outlasting 4 YouTubers as contestants, who were participated in an online-only reality game show at a disclosed television-like studio in North Carolina, United States of America (U.S.A.) after eliminating 50 of the biggest social media & video influencers and personality individuals including ValkyRae (Rachell Marie Hofstetter), Odd1sOut (Robert James Rallison), Kai Carlo Cenat III, Logan Alexander Paul, KSI (Olajide Olayinka Williams Olatunji), Nick Channing DiGiovanni, The Game Theorists (Matthew Robert Patrick [MatPat]), MoistCr1TiKaL (Charles Christopher White Jr.), LilyPichu (Lily Ki) and Pokimane (Imane Anys).

This was recently surpassed last Wednesday (July 10th, 2024 -- Eastern local time) after hitting 300 million subscribers from a video-sharing platform YouTube (owned by Google's Alphabet), as according to ViewStats. 'TeleRadyo Serbisyo: Dumaguete' was first to cover the only entertainment scoop from our internet media partners at OneNETnews.

For context between those individuals aside all of that… Mr. James Stephen "Jimmy" Donaldson, better known by his online alias 'MrBeast' is a 26 y/o North Carolinian-based YouTuber, online personality, entrepreneur, philanthropist, and the now - online game show host & executive producer of himself. Mr. Donaldson started as a YouTuber alone in the late mid-February 2012 when he was just 13 y/o old and intially went by the former channel username 'MrBeast6000'. His early content included Let's Plays and older videos estimating the wealth of other YouTubers.

Fast forward to January 2017, he went viral with his "counting to 100k" video, gaining tens of thousands of views in a few days. But today, due to increased demand of popularity, Donaldson's content evolved to feature elaborate challenges, large giveaways and high-production value. Several sponsors and partnerships endorsed related to him in product placements and virtual goodies online. In the early Q1 2024, his own studio in North Carolina was now completed. The rest remains history within the present day.

While Ms. Dittfach on the other hand, better known online as 'JaidenAnimations' in Los Angeles, California; who was an independent 2D-animator, VTuber, gaming YouTuber and the 6-time Streamy Awards nominee, famously known for her engaging story-time animations that cover a variety of topics, from personal experiences to general anecdotes.

Dittfach primarily creates videos centered around video game stories like Pokémon (Pocket Monsters) and even the now previously declared - Virtual YouTuber (VTuber) during a Sub-a-thon broadcast debut in December 2022. Her main animation channel has over 12 million subscribers, while their gaming channel including her VTuber debut surpassed 1 million subscribers. Lastly on their official Twitch gaming and LIVE reaction channel received 965,000 followers at the time of this writing scoop. She only won previously an award in the Animated category of the 2020 Streamy Awards.

Now, 50 of the biggest YouTube creators were confined in a cube, battling various challenges from the start in his own studio as pre-recorded during the process in the making and filming new online video and later released on Saturday (July 13th, 2024 at 12nn -- Eastern local time). The task, simple on paper, demanded mental and physical endurance as in-person contestants navigated eliminations through basketball shots, a Squid Game-inspired sugar cookie challenge, and a high-stakes Jenga competition. Think about as a qualifying-like rounds and later advanced in the semi-finals.

17 YouTuber contestants in the 3rd challenge of Jenga were eliminated, while 7 of them in the 4th challenge of 'Steal or No Steal' are also eliminated with guest Canadian host of "Deal or No Deal" and "America's Got Talent" named Mr. Howie Michael Mandel. Down to 10 YouTubers in the 5th semi-finals challenge, an intensive MasterChef-inspired team cooking competition to be judged with Mr. Joseph Christian Chestnut, Nickelodeon's iCarly reboot star actress named Ms. Miranda Taylor Cosgrove, and IShowSpeed's Darren Jason Watkins Jr.

In a team cooking challenge… Kai Cenat, Ayaanle "AJ" Shabeel, Logan Paul, El Rubius' Rubén Doblas Gundersen and SpriteDer SPD's Prite Netijen Netirattanapaiboon were eliminated. Leaving only the last 5 in the grand finals unveiling the MrBeast YouTube millionaire, which may either subjected to tax or tax-free in some states of America per contestant individual.

At the grand finals, as part of the last 6th challenge… Amixem's Mr. Maxime Chabroud, Ms. Dittfach, Ms. Alexandra Valeria Botez, Mr. Ludwig Anders Ahgren and Mr. DiGiovanni battled for a jackpot prize inside one of 5 briefcases, moderated by MrBeast himself.

In the first round with the unofficially tied majority vote of 2 points goes both to Dittfach and Ludwig. He won the tiebreaker round for another 2 points but, Ludwig didn't make the cut and goes home with nothing, then proceeds anyway with a final 2nd round. At the end of it with a final majority vote of 3-1 goes to Ms. Dittfach, now declared officially a video platform winner worth U$D1M (or nearly PHP58.45M). Taxes will be immediately shouldered by MrBeast and received her Diamond Creator Award since 'JaidenAnimations' reached late above the 10 million subscribers mark in June 2021.

Per the short vlog-like conference money box, sat beside 'MrBeast' obtained exclusively thru 'TeleRadyo Serbisyo: Dumaguete', Dittfach's proceeds of U$D1M prize will sent them over to the art school in her home state of California and selected states in their home country for those supportive and active subscribers nationwide on this video sharing platform: "It's hard for a lot of (aspiring animation) artist out there. I'd really like to send a lot of them to art school", JaidenAnimation said.

Dittfach made it through to the very end and secured the impressive U$D1M prize from 'MrBeast'. Afterwards, she will soon complete her animation degree after graduation, making it full-time professional 2D-animator and VTuber altogether in Southern California. You can see a full video available right now on his official YouTube channel of 'MrBeast'. A big congratulations to JaidenAnimations!

SCREENGRAB and LOGOS COURTESY: MrBeast via YT VIDEO & Jaiden Dittfach (JaidenAnimations) BACKGROUND PROVIDED BY: Tegna

SOURCE: *https://x.com/MrBeast/status/1811019365514428859 [Referenced X Network Tweet Post via MrBeast] *https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4SNThp0YiU4 [Referenced YT Video #1 via MrBeast] *https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-ySUjrJFcI [Referenced YT Video via Pokimane] *https://twitch.tv/videos/2196800638 [Referenced Twitch VIDEO via JaidenAnimations] *https://indianexpress.com/article/trending/trending-globally/mrbeast-next-challenge-50-famous-youtubers-competing-1-million-for-subscribers-9443915/ [Referenced News Article via The Indian Express] *https://www.sportskeeda.com/us/streamers/news-mrbeast-1-000-000-challenge-contestants-full-list-youtubers-participated-video [Referenced News Article via Sportskeeda] *https://tribune.com.pk/story/2479628/jaidenanimations-wins-mrbeasts-1-million-youtube-challenge-outlasting-logan-paul-and-ksi [Referenced News Article via Tribune Pakistan News Bureau] *https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWcldHxHFpo [Referenced YT Video #2f via MrBeast] *https://mrbeast.fandom.com/wiki/Jimmy_Donaldson *https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jaiden_Animations *https://www.businessinsider.com/photos-inside-mrbeasts-14-million-top-secret-filming-studio-2023-5 [Referenced News Article via Business Insider] *https://www.wnct.com/news/mrbeast/best-of-mrbeast-inside-mrbeasts-top-secret-14-million-studio/ [Referenced News Article via WNCT-TV's CBS 9: Greenville] *https://www.streamys.org/nominees-winners/13th-annual-nominees/ *https://www.youtube.com/creators/how-things-work/get-involved/awards/ *https://www.hrblock.com/tax-center/income/other-income/taxes-on-prize-winnings/ [Referenced Editorial Article via H&R Block] *https://osgamers.com/frequently-asked-questions/how-much-is-taxed-if-you-win-1-million-in-california [Referenced Editorial Article via Old School Gamers News Bureau] and *https://bartleylawoffice.com/faq/how-much-tax-is-taken-from-lottery-winnings-in-california-solution-found.html [Referenced Editorial Article via Bartley Law Office]

-- OneNETnews Online Publication Team

#breaking news #this morning #los angeles #california #SoCal #greenville #north carolina #MrBeast #jaiden animations #jaidenanimations #YouTube #challenge #fyp #game show #online #exclusive #first and exclusive #teleradyo serbisyo #OneNETnews

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avionvadion · 2 months ago

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Will you add all the events in the once upon a dream fic? and Would a random person sometimes try to hit on El during some of the events and how do the guys react?

I won’t be doing all of them, but there will be quite a bit.

Book 1: August

Book 2: October (Scary Monsters+Endless Night)

Book 3: November

(Nightmare Before Christmas?)

Book 4: December

Book 5: January to Early February (Noble Bell College, Early Jan. Feast of Fools is January 6th.)

Book 6: February to Early March (Beanfest is Late February) (Scalding Sands is shortly after Ignihyde) (Harveston is late March)

Book 7: April (Fairy Gala, early April)

I might fiddle with it a bit more and move things around, but this is the general idea. I’d like to do Ghost Bride too, but I haven’t decided when to sneak her in.

And uh… potentially??? Depends on the event and what her current friendship level is with them.

Adeuce would undoubtedly be protective little brothers mode, Malleus would be VERY upset and glare at the perpetrator, and Riddle might get irritable. Trey would be the typical big brother/mom friend like, “She’s not interested, so please stop before things escalate and our dorm leader cuts off your head. Or before the freshman start throwing punches.” Jade might take it as a personal challenge though.

#twisted wonderland #twst #eleanora quince #twst oc

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krinndnz · 1 year ago

Text

An Ad-Hoc, Informally-Specified, Bug-Ridden, Single-Subject Study Of Weight Loss Via Potassium Supplementation And Exercise Without Dieting

Here's the short version: I lost 30 pounds in 6 months by chugging a bunch of potassium salt and exercising a lot. My subjective experience is that cranking my potassium intake way up made it possible to do a lot more exercise than I had been doing without also eating a lot more. Exercising more without also eating more led to weight loss (as one would hope!). I did not diet: I ate as I had been doing and as it pleased me to do. Do with the raw data as you please.

Losing weight this way is unusual and worth paying attention to because many things about increases and decreases in weight and obesity are very poorly understood. Many people would like their personal weight and obesity levels to be different, so anything that improves our collective understanding of how to make that happen is valuable. However, losing weight this way is an experiment: it's not necessarily safe to do what I did! Part of why I did it was to find out what would happen, and if you have any kind of existing kidney problems then you definitely should not do what I did. Note to other transfemmes: if you're taking spiro, that counts as a kidney problem.

I also don't want to overstate the significance of this experiment: what I've been up to in the last 6 months amounts to a single data point that happens to also be 1,100 spreadsheet cells. It's a data point that is highly suggestive, sure, but it would be extremely ambitious to say that it proves anything beyond "this worked for me" and perhaps "it's not impossible for this to work". I am writing about it because as far as I know, this particular experiment is something that nobody else has tried, and, again, anything that improves our collective understanding here is valuable.

The long version comes next: how I came to be doing this experiment, what I did in the experiment, what I plan to do next, and finally what I think about it all. The really long version is the ongoing conversation that this post is part of, starting with A Chemical Hunger, which is a book-length literature review about the 1980s–present global increase in obesity prevalence, also the posts about single-subject research where the same authors discuss the limits of what can be learned from experiences like mine, also the Experimental Fat Loss guy and his wide variety of diet-only experiments, also some critics who disagree.

How I came to be doing this

At the tail end of 2022, I noticed both that my BMI had hit 30 and that I had become very unhappy about my weight. There's a specific photo where I didn't realize until I saw the photo that my belly was hanging out over my waistband and it's vividly unpleasant in my memory. Around the same time, I happened to find the potassium-supplementation community trial that the Slime Mold Time Mold folks were running. The value proposition was "this will be easy, cheap, and safe, but also it might not actually work," and that sounded good to me, so I signed up for it and took a modest amount of potassium all through December and January. It kinda-sorta worked: I lost 6 pounds. Not nothing, but "it kinda-sorta worked" is the most one can really say about losing 6 pounds in 60 days.

The low-dose potassium delivered on all of what the SMTM folks promised, though. It was easy, cheap, and safe. So I kept doing it and, since I was already doing the potassium, decided that I should get an exercise habit going. I am a big believer in the idea that it's a tremendous amount easier to go from doing Something to doing More Something than to go from doing Nothing to doing Something. The low-dose potassium got me through the first step: once I was doing Something about my weight, it was relatively easy to do More Something. When the community trial ended in early February, I didn't have to worry about messing up its results by departing from the trial's instructions, so I started taking more potassium and building my own experiment. I also kept in touch with the SMTM authors, who were very encouraging. 🐯💕

By late March I had brought myself up to daily amounts of potassium and exertion that seemed good to me, and I stuck with those. This is the first time in my life I've focused on trying to lose weight, and I was not fully prepared for how demoralizing it is that the weight change from day N to day N+1 sometimes seems perversely unrelated to what you were doing on day N. Fortunately I have experience with spreadsheets, so I put together a tracker for myself that focused on the trailing-week average of my daily weight and exercise measurements as well as long-term graphs. Three months of data were enough to put together a chart whose trendline said very, very clearly, "what you are doing is working — keep it up!" With any kind of long-term project it's very important to create and sustain sources of feedback. All else being equal, the longer it takes before you can get a read on "is this going well or poorly?", the worse it will go.

I decided that my goal would be to get my BMI from 30 (the lower limit of "obese") to under 25 (the upper limit of "normal"). Happily, the math is very easy there: for my height, a BMI of 25 rounds off to 200lbs. I further decided that I was willing to spend all of 2023 working on this. That decision is why I'm writing this post now: halfway through a project is a natural time to pause and take stock.

What I did

By the end of March, my regimen was firmly settled and I kept at it through the end of June without further tinkering. The daily goals I settled on were 10,000mg of potassium and 1,200kcal of exertion. That amount of exercise worked out to be 90 to 100 minutes per day. For contrast, in 2022 my average amount of exercise per day was 15 minutes and my average exertion was 500kcal.

I used my smartwatch's exertion number ("how many calories are you using above the amount you need to burn to be alive at all?") and gradually walked up my daily goal, settling at 1,200kcal/day partially because it was working and partially because one hour of watch face equaling 100kcal was helpful for being able to read "how close to my goal am I?" without thinking hard about it. Most of the exercise was treadmill time, usually a brisk walk or light jog. Over the months I also did some running, some bicycling, and some hiking, but treadmill time was the reliable, unremarkable, do-this-every-day core of my exercise regimen. It took a while to ramp up to that amount of exertion and there were definitely days when I stumbled, for good reasons and bad. However, in general I hit the exertion goal and in particular had it absolutely dialed from early March to mid-April.

It was easier to be totally rigorous about the potassium-intake goal — it helped that that part only took a few minutes per day, instead of 90+ minutes! I used potassium chloride powder (whatever came up first on an Amazon search since all KCl should be alike) mixed with regular Gatorade (i.e. not the sugar-free kind) to make it taste okay (I recommend blue Gatorade, it's the closest to appealing when kaliated — the yellow lemon-lime was meh and the fruit punch red was awful). I added two heaping teaspoons of KCl powder to a 20oz. bottle of Gatorade and drank that. KCl is about 52% potassium and a heaping teaspoon of it is about 6500mg, so I rounded up a smidge and called that 6600-and-a-bit milligrams of potassium per bottle. On Thursdays and Sundays I drank 2 full bottles and on other days 1.5 bottles. I recorded this as 10,000mg of potassium on regular days and 13,500mg on Thursdays and Sundays.

Is 10,000mg of potassium a lot? It's a lot more than average! The SMTM potassium trial post contextualizes it helpfully:

For a long time, the recommended daily value for adults (technically, the “Adequate Intake”) was 4,700 mg of potassium per day. But most people don’t get anywhere near this amount. In every CDC NHANES dataset from 1999 to 2018, median potassium intake hovers around 2,400 mg/day, and mean intake around 2,600 mg/day. In this report from 2004, the National Academy of Medicine found that “most American women … consume no more than half of the recommended amount of potassium, and men’s intake is only moderately higher.” Per this paper, only 0.3% of American women were getting the recommended amount. Similarly low levels of intake are also observed in Europe, Mexico, China, etc. But in 2019, the National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine changed the recommended / adequate intake to 2,600 mg/day for women and 3,400 mg/day for men. They say that the change is “due, in part, to the expansion of the DRI model in which consideration of chronic disease risk reduction was separate from consideration of adequacy,” but we can’t help but wonder if they changed it because it was embarrassing to have less than 5% of the population getting the recommended amount. In any case, recommended potassium intake is something like 2,500 to 5,000 mg per day for adults, and many people don’t get enough. Potatoes are exceptionally high in potassium. A single potato contains somewhere between 600 and 1000 mg of potassium, depending on which source you look at. They are the 6th highest in potassium on this list of high-potassium foods from the NIH, and 9th on this old list from the USDA. If you do the math, this means that someone on the potato diet, eating 2,000 kcal of potatoes a day, gets at least 11,000 mg of potassium per day, more than twice the old recommended intake.

This explanation is most of why I decided to stabilize at about 10,000mg per day: because that's about how much potassium people were getting during the SMTM potato diet community trial. Because that community trial involved around 200 people, it was unlikely that there would be any truly heinous health effects from knocking back that much potassium, especially together with the anecdotal evidence that inspired the trial. Aiming for that amount also meant that it would be easier to compare my results to something that worked decently well and to ask questions like "is there something special about whole potatoes, or is it mostly the potassium?" If it's mostly the potassium, you'd expect my results to be closer to the full-potato-diet results than to the low-dose-potassium results — which is what happened.

I measured those results in a very basic way: ordinary bathroom scale, first thing in the morning, every day. Considering how much noise there is in weight measurement, there's just no advantage to measuring it more often. I kept the circumstances of the weigh-in simple and stable, trusting that that was good enough. I also measured exertion in two other forms — step count and exercise minutes — but that was mostly for my personal curiosity because both are basically downstream of exertion as such. Similarly, I tracked my sleep but didn't expect that to matter a whole lot.

While I was affirmatively not dieting, I want to make sure to talk about my food habits because I could be missing something that's easy for others to see as unusual but seems totally ordinary to me. My meals are heavy on pasta, rice, bread, and granola. I work diligently to get enough dietary fiber. I eat some meat but not a lot (eating a pound of meat in a week would be above average for me), and I enjoy coffee but not a tremendous amount of it since usually I make Chemex-style coffee and having a bunch of that in a day would be too time-intensive. My go-to snacks are cashews, pistachios, cherries, and granola bars. Like most people, I should eat more dark leafy greens than I do. I use a generous hand when measuring out olive oil. I believe that if you need either milk taste or milk fat, you shouldn't half-ass it, so when I need milk taste or milk fat, I rely on whole milk and heavy cream. Fats, generally, taste good. I eat more whole food and food I personally cook than I eat packaged and processed food, and I only infrequently eat restaurant food (weekly pizza night, maybe twice a month other than that). I really like sour candies but basically stopped eating them last autumn after some very patient coaxing from my dentist. Once in a while, dark chocolate, usually with the nuts and fruit.

I ate as I had been doing: I ate the food I felt like eating and ate as much of it as I felt like eating. If I felt like eating more or less, I did that. Since I wanted to keep the exercise habit going regardless of whether or not I lost weight, it was very important to me to not make the exercise any more difficult than it had to be. Going hungry would definitely make it more difficult, so I avoided doing that. One way in which I'm very sure my experience generalizes is, it's much easier to persuade people to try "add this supplement to what you're already eating" than to get them to try "replace all of your current food with potatoes," especially when talking about long-term or indefinite-duration changes.

What I plan to do next

I'll be thrilled if I can recapture something like the 7-week March/April streak I had going. Most days in this period (44 out of 49) were PB days (i.e. a day where my trailing-week-average weight was the lowest it had been since the start of the year) and no two consecutive days in this period were non-PB days (i.e. if a day wasn't a PB day, both the day before and the day after were PB days). I was losing almost 2lbs per week and exercising a lot and I felt great. However, my intuition is that that was the honeymoon period of going from mostly-sedentary to exercising regularly, and that I should expect further progress to be more difficult, to be like the less impressive results I got in May and June.

Still, the thing as a whole has definitely been successful enough that I'm going to keep at it until the end of the year, re-evaluating again in December (and maybe when I hit my weight-loss goal, which should happen around halfway between now and then). Since I'm using January 1st as my anchor date for the start of the experiment, it lines up nicely with the calendar if I just keep going all year and see what happens. Besides, I only need 6 months more to generate a year of data, while someone going from a cold start would need a whole year.

Given that I have a setup that is working pretty well, I'm reluctant to tinker with it. I might add one more high-potassium day in addition to Thursdays and Sundays, and I might start tracking some extra data — even though I'm not trying to change them, recording my food habits seems like the most helpful additional thing I could record.

If I develop health problems I'm gonna pull the ripcord (and post about it). There are already too many shitty fake weight loss regimens in the world that fuck up the health of people who try them, we do not need more.

What I think about it

Since I'm the one doing this experiment, I get to be excited about how it's working out for me personally, which is to say, very well indeed. Right now it seems pretty certain that I'll be able to reach my goal of losing ~50lbs in a long-term-sustainable way and just as importantly, getting myself to a much better baseline state of physical fitness. I feel pretty great about that part!

The experiment is not just for me, though: the reason it's an experiment rather than just "I'm trying to lose weight" is that I am keeping track of things carefully such that other people could carry out the same steps I did and get results similar to or different from mine and ideally everyone eventually comes to pretty firm conclusions about whether this — losing weight via potassium and exercise without dieting — works or not. My chugging potassium and Gatorade for six months to a year is the very beginning of that process, and I expect that the difficult parts of the process will be carried out by people with more expertise and resources than me.

I also expect that I have not tumbled to the One Weird Trick for weight loss that everyone else just overlooked. As someone with plenty of programming experience, I have a hearty suspicion towards "well, it worked on MY setup" stories. One obvious alternate explanation for my successful weight loss is "well yeah, you doubled your exertion and kept your food intake the same, of course you lost weight" — but I don't find that explanation satisfying. To start with, if it were that easy, people would do it more often. There are a tremendous number of people who would like to lose weight and a tremendous marketplace of devices, services, and professionals to help them use exercise for that purpose, and yet in a 20-year NCHS study, average exercise rose without obesity falling. It's also very, very easy to find fat people who exercise plenty — you will find them more or less anywhere you find lots of people exercising, as well as in places like sumo stables. A member of my family has taken up powerlifting in the last year, making him both fitter and heavier by quite a bit.

Additionally, there's studies like Keating 2017 concluding that short-term exercise intervention doesn't do enough to matter, or like the Wu 2009 work concluding that exerise-and-dieting isn't meaningfully better than just dieting over periods of 6+ months, and then there's the STRRIDE study, Slentz 2004, concluding that jogging 20 miles a week can get people to lose about 7 pounds over 8 months. The STRRIDE study caught my eye because it's pretty similar to what I did: they took obese mostly-sedentary folks, had them exercise more, and forbade them from eating less. However, once you do the math the results are much less similar: the average STRRIDE participant did around half the exercise I've done for at most a fifth of the weight loss (i.e. around 1lb/month vs. around 5lbs/month and around 3mi/day vs. 7mi/day). If someone else told me "Krinn, your naïve just-hit-the-treadmill exercise regimen is 2.5x as effective as an exercise regimen supervised & measured by professionals," I would want them to provide some compelling evidence for that.

If you tell someone you want to lose weight and would like their advice, it is overwhelmingly likely that the advice will involve exercising more. Everyone has heard this advice. And yet, as Michael Hobbes observes in a searing piece for Highline, "many 'failed' obesity interventions are successful eat-healthier-and-exercise-more interventions" that simply didn't result in weight loss. Even if we as a society choose to believe "more exercise always leads to weight loss, most people just fuck up at it," that immediately confronts us with the important question, why do they fuck up at it? and its equally urgent sibling, what can we learn from those who succeed at it to give a hand up to those who have not yet succeeded?

I find the SMTM authors' metaphor for this helpful:

[exercising more and eating less] is not an explanation any more than "the bullet" is a good explanation for "who killed the mayor?" Something about the potato diet lowered people's lipostat set point, which reduced their appetite, which yes made them eat fewer calories, which was part of what led them to lose weight. Yes, "fewer kcal/day" is somewhere in the causal chain. No, it is not an explanation.

Since I've been doing this for six months, I feel pretty certain that the potassium is doing something positive for me and I'm entirely willing to put in another six months to find out what happens for me. Finding out whether that generalizes is beyond my power: all I can do is explain what worked for me, one middle-aged Seattle housewife, and hope that it's useful to people who are in a position to do serious work about it.

One kind of serious work that's available is the very cool analytic techniques that other people in this conversation have used while looking at their data. If you are the kind of person to get elbows-deep in R or Matlab, feel free to grab my day-by-day measurements for that (I release this data under Creative Commons' CC0 if that's relevant to you). I'm not going to do that, though, partially because it's been a long time since I last used R but mostly because of the thing I said earlier about my whole experiment basically being one data point. If you have a data series, then yeah, get in there with some numeric interrogation, but if you only have one data point, that data point is what it is and statistical analysis can't really add to it. All I can claim here is that this is a new data point: people going about their everyday lives do not spontaneously increase their potassium intake severalfold and the background work from the SMTM potato diet and potassium community trials tell me that no-one's run a study looking directly at what happens if you do increase your potassium intake that much.

Do you want to increase your potassium intake that much? If you do, I have to re-emphasize the potassium community trial's safety warning: if you have existing kidney problems, do not try this. Also I'm gonna deploy the boldface again to make sure I get this across to other trans women: on this topic, taking spiro counts as a kidney problem! I am not a doctor and I'm extremely not your doctor, you should talk to your actual doctor if you have any kind of potential kidney issues and even if you're in good health and want to try chugging a bunch of potassium, you should titrate up gradually the way the SMTM writeup suggests (which is also the way I did).

In addition to a general spirit of responsibility, those warnings are important because otherwise just telling you that this is easy would sound like a recommendation. Did I mention that the experiment was easy? Easy easy. Piss easy. Lemon squeezy, etc. Of course building an exercise habit wasn't easy, but the potassium part didn't make it easier or harder, and the potassium part itself was pretty trivial. Mix this powder into Gatorade a couple times per day, drink it, done.

That said, if you do want to try this, godspeed and please write down how it goes for you. I recommend building positive reinforcement into whatever you use to track it; my personal spreadsheet for this is adorned with color-coding and happy emoji. I also recommend at least thinking about the following questions, whether you're going to do this, evaluate the results of this, or both.

How safe is it, in general rather than for me particularly, to chug this much potassium? This is the big one: "just mix potassium salt into Gatorade and drink it a few times a day" is so incredibly easy that even if the effect size is small, it could benefit a huge number of people, but of course it doesn't benefit them if it's not actually safe to do that.

Does this replicate? If it's not safe it matters a lot less whether it replicates, so the safety question comes first, but if it is safe, then one would immediately want to find out whether it works for 1% of people, 10% of people, or 50% of people.

How much do other mineral nutrients, particularly sodium and magnesium, matter for this? Maybe they need to be combined in some specific way, as this Twitter thread suggests.

Do sex hormone levels matter? I'm a trans woman and I've been having problems with access to HRT in this timeframe. Given how many things in one's body testosterone and estrogen affect, and given that previous obesity research has shown differences based on hormone profiles, that's definitely something to keep an eye on. Also because spironolactone in particular messes with renal function and potassium metabolism, I expect that it affects this. Digression: spironolactone is total bullshit as an anti-androgen of first resort. It sucks and I hate it and I should have switched to other anti-androgens even sooner than I did. If you're using spironolactone as an anti-androgen because it was the first thing your doctor tried for that, you really should try something else and see if that works.

I steadfastly avoided dieting. I like my existing diet just fine, and that's why I preferred the "what if I just chug a bunch of potassium" plan. All else being equal, I'd rather try things that let me eat what I like than things that require throwing my relationship with food into upheaval. But of course you wonder, what would happen if you did combine dieting and exercise and potassium? The ExFatLoss guy has been busy trying a lot of diet-only interventions and he's got a lot of interesting results. I am not the person to try it, but it's one of the obvious things to try, so I hope someone does try it.

How does this interact with the munchies? If you decide to try what I tried and you, like me, enjoy living somewhere where marijuana is legal, I think you should look at whether the potassium changes how you experience marijuana-induced hunger/overeating. One of the things I found very striking about the matter is that it was possible for me to chug enough potassium that the marijuana-induced hunger was drastically reduced. I expected the opposite since the potassium was causing me to eat less (relative to exertion) at other times. However, I have very strong habits about marijuana (exactly twice a week, edibles only, same amount every time) and I'm not willing to change them for this, so who knows how this aspect will work out for others. Definitely something to keep an eye on, though. Even if I wasn't losing weight, the potassium reduces marijuana-induced overeating enough that I'd probably keep going with it just for that effect.

Conclusion

I spent 6 months trying to lose weight with lots of potassium and exercise but without dieting. So far I have succeeded. Unless something disastrous comes up, I'm going to keep trying it for at least another 6 months and going to keep recording what I'm doing. I'm particularly curious to see where I'll plateau, since I assume at some point I'll start getting really hungry and/or tired instead of accidentally starving. I hope that my experience and the data I've recorded from it, are useful to people who are looking into questions about obesity and weight. Please feel free to use my data and my writeup (this post) for that. If you want to try doing as I've done, good luck and stay safe: this has worked for me but it is still experimental, it might be unsafe and/or fail to work for you.

#potassium #obesity #n=1 #slimemoldtimemold #citizen science #achemicalhunger #more or less accidentally doing science and that's kind of a weird feeling ngl but I hope it helps someone <3 #krinnposting

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